I~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I KI I )!!!.~r - ~ ~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'I/I- I I I~~~~~~~~~/! 1/ 1i,I~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~,i ~~~~~~~~I~~~~~~~ I ~/i (Iii~, i i ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I t i t iI / Il/i -~ii // ir;i / 1/ 9/' i //~~~~~~~~~~~ z z '^^;~ <> ii. ~I I ^-J- - ^ - -?i' MIR. PIOKWIO. [Page 162. MR. PICKWICK. [Page 162. THE POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF THE PICKWICK CLUB. BY CHARLES DICKENS. WITH FIFTY TWO ILLUSTRATIONS BY THOMAS NAST. NEW YORK: HARPER & BROTHERS, PUBLISHERS, FRANKLIN SQUARE. 87 73 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year I873, by HARPER & BROTHERS, In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. Gif Mrs. F. W. Kelsdy PREFACE. IT was observed, in the Preface to the original Edition of the " Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club," that they were designed for the introduction of diverting characters and incidents; that no ingenuity of plot was attempted, or even at that time considered very feasible, by the author in connection with the desultory mode of publication adopted; and that the machinery of the Club, proving cumbrous in the management, was gradually abandoned as the work progressed. Although, on one of these points, experience and study afterward taught me something, and I could, perhaps, wish now that these chapters were strung together on a stronger thread of general interest, still, what they are they were designed to be. I have seen various accounts of the origin of these Pickwick Papers, which have, at all events, possessed -for me-the charm of perfect novelty. As I may infer, from the occasional appearance of such histories, that my readers have an interest in the matter, I will relate how they came into existence. I was a young man of two or three-and-twenty, when Messrs. CHAPMAN and HALL, attracted by some pieces I was at that time writing in the Morning Chronicle newspaper, or had just written in the Old Monthly Magazine (of which one series had lately been collected and published in two volumes, illustrated by Mr. GEORGE CRUIKSHANK), waited upon me to propose a something that should be published in shilling numbers-then only known to me, or, I believe, to any body else, by a dim recollection of certain interminable novels in that form, which used to be carried about the country by peddlers, and over some of which I remember to have shed innumerable tears before I had served my apprenticeship to Life. When I opened my door in Furnival's Inn to the partner who represented the firm, I recognized in him the person from whose hands I had bought, two or three years previously, and whom I had never seen before or since, my first copy of the Magazine in which my first effusion-a paper in the " Sketches," called MR. MINNS AND HIS CousIN-dropped stealthily one evening at twilight, with fear and trembling, into a dark letter-box, in a dark office, up a dark court in Fleet Street-appeared in all the glory of print; on which occasion I walked down to Westminster Hall, and turned into it for half an hour, because my eyes were so dimmed with joy and pride that they could not bear the street, and were not fit to be seen there. I told my visitor of the coincidence, which we both hailed as a good omen; and so fell to business. The idea propounded to me was, that the monthly something should be a vehicle for certain plates to be executed by Mr. SEYMOUR; and there was a notion, either on the part of that admirable humorous artist or of my visitor, that a "NIMROD Club," the members of which were to go out shooting, fishing, and so forth, and getting themselves into difficulties through their want of dexterity, would be the best means of introducing these. I objected, on consideration, that although born and partly bred in the country, I was no great sportsman, except in regard of all kinds of locomotion; that the idea was not novel, and had been already much used; that it would be infinitely better for the plates to arise naturally out of the text; and that I would like to take my own way, with a freer range of English scenes and people, and was afraid I should ultimately do so in any case, whatever course I might prescribe to myself at starting. My views being deferred to, I thought of Mr. Pickwick, and wrote the first number; from the proof-sheets of which Mr. SEYMOUR made his drawing of the Club, and his happy portrait of its founder-the latter on Mr. EDWARD CHAPMAN'S description of the dress and bearing of a real personage whom he had often seen. I connected Mr. Pickwick with a club because of the original suggestion, and I put in Mr. Winkle expressly for the use of Mr. SEYMOUR. We started with a number of twenty-four pages instead of thirty-two, and four illustrations in lieu of a couple. Mr. SEYMOUR'S sudden and lamented death before the second number was published brought about a quick decision upon a point already in agitation: the number became one of thirty-two pages, with only two illustrations, and remained so to the end. It is with great unwillingness that I notice some intangible and incoherent assertions which have been made, professedly on behalf of Mr. SEYMOUR, to the effect that he had some share in the invention of this book, or of any thing in it not faithfully described in the foregoing paragraph. With the moderation that is due equally to my respect for the memory of a brother-artist and to my self-respect, I confine myself to placing on record here the facts: 8 PREFACE. That Mr. SEYMOUR never originated or suggested an incident, a phrase, or a word, to be found in this book. That Mr. SEYMOUR died when only twenty-four pages of this book were published, and when assuredly not forty-eight were written. That I believe I never saw Mr. SEYMOUR'S handwriting in my life. That I never saw Mr. SEYMOUR but once in my life, and that was on the night but one before his death, when he certainly offered no suggestion whatsoever. That I saw him. then in the presence of two persons, both living, perfectly acquainted with all these facts, and whose written testimony to them I possess. Lastly, that Mr. EDWARD CHAPMAN (the survivor of the original firm of CHAPMAN and HALL) has set down in writing, for similar preservation, his personal knowledge of the origin and progress of this book, of the monstrosity of the baseless assertions in question, and (tested by details) even of the self-evident impossibility of there being any truth in them. In the exercise of the forbearance on which I have resolved, I do not quote Mr. EDWARD CHAPMAN'S account of his deceased partner's reception, on a certain occasion, of the pretenses in question. "Boz," my signature in the Morning Chronicle, and in the Old Montly Magazine, appended to the monthly cover of this book, and retained long afterward, was the nickname of a pet child, a younger brother, whom I had dubbed Moses in honor of the Vicar of Wakefield; which being facetiously pronounced through the nose became Boses, and, being shortened, became Boz. Boz was a very familiar household word to me long before I was. an author; and so I came to adopt it. It has been observed of Mr. Pickwick, that there is a decided change in his character as these pages proceed, and that he becomes more good and more sensible. I do not think this change will appear forced or unnatural to my readers, if they will reflect that in real life the peculiarities and oddities of a man who has any thing whimsical about him generally impress us.first, and that it is not until we are better acquainted with him that we usually begin to look below these superficial traits, and to know the better part of him. Lest there should be any well-intentioned persons who do not perceive the difference (as some such could not when OLD MORTALITY was newly published) between religion and the cant of religion, piety and the pretense of piety, a humble reverence for the great truths of Scripture and an audacious and offensive obtrusion of its letter and not its spirit in the commonest dissensions and meanest affairs of life, to the extraordinary confusion of ignorant minds, let them understand that it is always the latter, and never the former, which is satirized here. Further, that the latter is here satirized as being, according to all experience, inconsistent with the former, impossible of union with it, and one of the most evil and mischievous falsehoods existent in society-whether it establish its head-quarters, for the time being, in Exeter Hall or Ebenezer Chapel, or both. It may appear unnecessary to offer a word of observation on so plain a head. But it is never out of season to protest against that coarse familiarity with sacred things which is busy on the lip and idle in the heart; or against the confounding of Christianity with any class of persons who, in the words of SWIFT, have just enough religion to make them hate, and not enough to make them love, one another. I have found it curious and interesting, looking over the sheets of this reprint, to mark what important social improvements have taken place about us, almost imperceptibly, since they were originally written. The license of Counsel, and the degree to which Juries are ingeniously bewildered, are yet susceptible of moderation; while an improvement in the mode of conducting Parliamentary Elections (and even Parliaments too, perhaps) is still within the bounds of possibility. But legal reforms have pared the claws of Messrs. Dodson and Fogg; a spirit of self-respect, mutual forbearance, education, and co-operation for such good ends, has diffused itself among their clerks; places far apart are brought together, to the present convenience and advantage of the Public, and to the certain destruction, in time, of a host of petty jealousies, blindnesses, and prejudices, by which the Public alone have always been the suffeeres; the laws relating to imprisonment for debt are altered; and the Fleet Prison is pulled down! Who knows but, by the time the series reaches its conclusion, it may be discovered that there are even magistrates in town and country who should be taught to shake hands every day with Common-sense and Justice; that even the Poor Laws may have mercy on the weak, the aged, and unfortunate; that Schools on the broad principles of Christianity are the best adornment for the length and breadth of this civilized land; that Prison-doors should be barred on the outside no less heavily and carefully than they are barred within; that the universal diffusion of common means of decency and health is as much the right of the poorest of the poor as it is indispensable to the safety of the rich and of the state; that a few petty boards and bodies-less than drops in the great ocean of humanity which roars around them-are not forever to let loose Fever and Consumption on God's creatures at their will, or always to keep their jobbing little fiddles going for a Dance of Death. POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF THE PICKWICK CLUB. CHAPTER I. P..P.M.P.C.presiding The following resolutions THE PICKWICKIANS. unanimously agreed to: TThat this Association has heard read, with feelTHE first ray of light which illumines the gloom, ings of unmingled satisfaction, and unqualified apand converts into a dazzling brilliancy that praval, the, paper communicated by Samuel Pickobscurity in which the earlier history of the public wick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C.t+ entitled' Speculationson the career of the immortal Pickwick, would appear to be Source of the Hampstead Ponds, with some Observainvolved, is derived from the perusal of the following tions on the Theory of Tittlebats; and that this entry, in the Transactions of the Pickwick Club, Association does hereby return its warmest thanks which the editor of these papers feels the highest to the said Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., for pleasure in laying before his readers, as a proof of the same. the careful attention, indefatigable assiduity, and "That while this Association is deeply sensible of nice discrimination, with which his search among the advantages which must accrue to the cause of the multifarious documents confided to him has been conducted. Perpetual Vice-President-Member Pickwick Club. "May 12th, 1827. - Joseph Smiggers, Esquire, t General Chairman-Member Pickwick Club.. 10 THE PICKWICK CLUB. science from the production to which they have just mounted into the Windsor chair, on which he had adverted,-no less than from the unwearied research- been previously seated, and addressed the club himes of Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., in Hornsey, self had founded. What a study for an artist did Highgate, Brixton, and Camberwell, —they can not that exciting scene present! The eloquent Pickbut entertain a lively sense of the inestimable benefits wick, with one hand gracefully concealed behind his which mustinevitablyresult from carrying the specu- coat tails, and the other waving in air, to assist his lations of that learned man into a wider field, from glowing declamation; his elevated position revealing extending his travels, and consequently enlarging those tights and gaiters, which, had they clothed an his sphere of observation, to the advancement of ordinary man, might have passed without observaknowledge, and the diffusion of learning. tion, but which, when Pickwick clothed them-if " That, with the view just mentioned, this Asso- we may use the expression-inspired voluntary awe ciation has taken into its serious consideration a and respect; surrounded by the men who had volunproposal emanating from the aforesaid Samuel Pick- teered to share the perils of his travels, and who wick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., and three other Pickwickians were destined to participate in the glories of his hereinafter named, for forming a new branch of discoveries. On his right hand sat Mr. Tracy TupUnited Pickwickians, under the title of The Corre- man -the too susceptible Tupman, who to the sponding Society of the Pickwick Club. wisdom and experience of maturer years, superad" That the said proposal has received the sanction ded the enthusiasm and ardor of a boy, in the most and approval of this Association. interesting and pardonable of human weaknesses "That the Corresponding Society of the Pickwick -love. Time and feeding had expanded that once Club is therefore hereby constituted; and that Sam- romantic form; the black silk waistcoat had become uel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., Tracy Tupman, Esq., more and more developed; inch by inch had the M.P.C., Augustus Snodgrass, Esq., M.P.C., and Na- gold watch-chain beneath it disappeared from within thaniel Winkle, Esq., M.P.C., are hereby nominated the range of Tupman's vision; and gradually had the and appointed members of the same; and that they capacious chin encroached upon the borders of the be requested to forward, from time to time, authenti- white cravat: but the soul of Tupman had known cated accounts of their journeys and investigations, no change —admiration of the fair sex was still its of their observations of character and manners, and ruling passion. On the left of his great leader sat of the whole of their adventures, together with all the poetic Snodgrass, and near him again the sporttales and papers to which local scenery or associa- ing Winkle, the former poetically enveloped in a tions may give rise, to the Pickwick Club, stationed mysterious blue cloak with a canine-skin collar, and in London. the latter communicating additional lustre to a new "That this Association cordially recognizes the green shooting-coat, plaid neckerchief, and closelyprinciple of every member of the Corresponding So- fitted drabs. ciety defraying his own traveling expenses; and that Mr. Pickwick's oration upon this occasion, together it sees no objection whatever to the members of the with the debate thereon, is entered on the Transacsaid society pursuing their inquiries for any length tions of the Club. Both bear a strong affinity to the of time they please, upon the same terms. discussions of other celebrated bodies; and as it is " That the members of the aforesaid Corresponding always interesting to trace a resemblance between Society be, and are, hereby informed, that their pro- the proceedings of great men, we transfer the entry posal to pay the postage of their letters, and the to these pages. carriage of their parcels, has been deliberated upon " Mr. Pickwick observed (says the Secretary) that by this Association: that this Association considers fame was dear to the heart of every man. Poetic such proposal worthy of the great minds from which fame was dear to the heart of his friend Snodgrass; it emanated, and that it hereby signifies its perfect the fame of conquest was equally dear to his friend acquiescence therein." Tupman; and the desire of earning fame in the A casual observer, adds the secretary, to whose sports of the field, the air, and the water, was uppernotes we are indebted for the following account-a most in the breast of his friend Winkle. He (Mr. casual observer might possibly have remarked noth- Pickwick) would not deny that he was influenced by ing extraordinary in the bald head, and circular human passions, and human feelings (cheers)-possispectacles, which were intently turned toward his bly by human weaknesses-(loud cries of" No"); but (the secretary's) face, during the reading of the above this he would say, that if ever the fire of self-imporresolutions: to those who knew that the gigantic tance broke out in his bosom, the desire to benefit the brain of Pickwick was working beneath that fore- human race in preference effectually quenched it. head, and that the beaming eyes of Pickwick were The praise of mankind was his Swing; philanthropy twinkling behind those glasses, the sight was indeed was his insurance office. (Vehement cheering.) He an interesting one. There sat the man who had had felt some pride-he acknowledged it freely, and traced to their source the mighty ponds of Hamp- let his enemies make the most of it - he had felt stead, and agitated the scientific world with his some pride when he presented his Tittlebatian TheTheory of Tittlebats, as calm and unmoved as the ory to the world; it might be celebrated or it might deep waters of the one on a frosty day, or as a solitary not. (A cry of" It is," and greet cheering.) He specimen of the other in the inmost recesses of an would take the assertion of that honorable Pickearthen jar. And how much more interesting did wickian whose voice he had just heard-it was celethe spectacle become, when, starting into full life and brated; but if the fame of that treatise were to exanimation, as a simultaneous call for "Pickwick " tend to the farthest confines of the known world, the burst from his followers that illustrious man slowly pride with which he should reflect on the authorship A PICKWICKIAN DEBATE. 11 ofthat production would be as nothing compared with "Mr. PICKWICK would not put up to be put down the pride with which he looked around him, on this, by clamor. He had alluded to the honorable gentlethe proudest moment of his existence. (Cheers.) He man. (Great excitement.) was a humble individual. (No, no.) Still he could "Mr. BLOTTON would only say, then, that he renot but feel that they had selected him for a service of pelled the hon. gent.'s false and scurrilous accusagreat honor, and of some danger. Traveling was in a tion, with profound contempt. (Great cheering.) troubled state, and the minds of coachmen were un- The hon. gent. was a humbug. (Immense confusion, settled. Let them look abroad, and contemplate the and loud cries of' Chair' and' Order.') scenes which were enacting around them. Stage- "Mr. A. SNODGRASS rose to order. He threw himcoaches were upsetting in all directions, horses were self upon the chair. (Hear.) He wished to know bolting, boats were overturning, and boilers were whether this disgraceful contest between two membursting. (Cheers-a voice"No,") No! (Cheers.) bers of that club should be allowed to continue. Let that honorable Pickwickian who cried "No" (Hear, hear.) N A; AND ADDBESSED THE OLUB HIMSELF HAD FOUNDED. so loudly come forward and deny it, if he could. "The CHAIRMAN was quite sure the hon. Pick(Cheers.) Who was it that cried "No?" (Enthusi- wickian would withdraw the expression he had just astic cheering.) Was it some vain and disappointed made use of. man-he would not say haberdasher-(loud cheers) "Mr. BLOTTON, with all possible respect for the -who, jealous of the praise which had been —per- chair, was quite sure he would not. haps undeservedly-bestowed on his (Mr. Pickwick's) "The CHARMAN felt it his imperative duty to deresearches, and smarting under the censure which mand of the honorable gentleman, whether he had had been heaped upon his own feeble attempts at used the expression which had just escaped him in a rivalry, now took this vile and calumnious mode common sense. of-f "Mr. BLOTTON had no hesitation in saying that he "Mr. BLOTTON (of Aldgate) rose to order. Did had not-he had used the term in its Pickwickian the honorable Pickwickian allude to him? (Cries sense. (Hear, hear.) He was bound to acknowlof'Order,''Chair,''Yes,''No,' Go on,''Leave edge that, personally, he entertained the highest reoff,' etc.) gard and esteem for the honorable gentleman; he 12 THE PICKWICK CLUB. had merely considered him a humbug in a Pcikwiek- Pickwick, rubbing his nose with the shilling he had ian point of view. (Hear, hear.) reserved for the fare. "Mr. PICKWICK felt much gratified by the fair, Forty-two," replied the driver, eying him askant. candid, and full-explanation of his honorable friend. "What!" ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, laying:his hand He begged it to be at once understood, that his own upon his note-book. The driver reiterated his forobservations had been merely intended to bear a mer statement. Mr. Pickwick looked very hard at Pickwickian construction. (Cheers.)" the man's face, but his features were immovable, so Here the entry terminates, as we have no doubt he noted down the fact forthwith. the debate did also, after arriving at such a highly "And how long do you keep him out at a time?" satisfactory and intelligible point. We have no of- inquired Mr. Pickwick, searching for further inforficial statement of the facts which the reader will mation. find recorded in the next chapter, but they have been " Two or three veeks," replied the man. carefully collated from letters and other MS. author- "Weeks!" said Mr. Pickwick ii astonishmentities, so unquestionably genuine as to justify their and out came the note-book again.narration in a connected form. " He lives at Pentonwil when he's at home," observed the driver, coolly, "but we seldom takes him + -— *-~ —- home, on account of his veakness." " On account of his weakness!" reiterated the perCHAPTER II. plexed Mr. Pickwick. "He always falls down when he's took out o' the THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVEN-,* THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVEN- cab," continued the driver, "but when he's in it, we ING'S ADVENTURES - WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES. ING'S ADVENTURES WITH THEIR CONSEUENCES. bears him up werry tight, and takes him in werry HAT punctual servant of all work th s, so he n,hade can't werry well fall down; and we've just risen, and begun to strike a light on the got a pair o' precious large wheels on, so ven he does morning of the thirteenth of May, one thousand move, they run after him, and he must go on-he eight hundred and twenty-seven, when Mr. Samuel can't help it." Pickwick burst like another sun from his slumbers, Mr. Pickwick entered every word of this statethrew open his chamber window, and looked out ment in his note-book, with the view of communiupon the world beneath. Goswell Street was at his eating it to the club, as a singular instance of the feet, Goswell Street was on his right hand-as far as tenacity of life in horses, under trying circumstances. the eye could reach, Goswell Street extended on his The entry was scarcely completed when they reachleft; and the opposite side of Goswell Street was ed the Golden Cross. Down jumped the driver, and over the way. " Such," thought Mr. Pickwick, "are out got Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, the narrow views of those philosophers who, content and Mr. Winkle, who had been anxiously waiting with examining the things that lie before them, look the arrival of their illustrious leader, crowded to not to the truths which are hidden beyond. As well welcome him. might I be content to gaze on Goswell Street forever, "Here's your fare," said Mr. Pickwick, holding out without one effort to penetrate to the hidden coun- the shilling to the driver. tries which on every side surround it." And having What was the learned man's astonishment, when given vent to this beautiful reflection, Mr. Pickwick that unaccountable person flung the money on the proceeded to put himself into his clothes, and his pavement, and requested in figurative terms to be clothes into his portmanteau. Great men are seldom allowed the pleasure of fighting him (Mr. Pickwick) over-scrupulous in the arrangement of their attire; for the amount! the operation of shaving, dressing, and coffee-imbib- "You are mad," said Mr. Snodgrass. iig was soon performed: and in another hour, Mr. "Or drunk," said Mr. Winkle. PickWick, with his portmanteau in his hand, his tel- " Or both," said Mr. Tupman. *scope in his great-coat pocket, and his note-book in " Come on!" said the cab-driver, sparring away Ais waistcoat, ready for the reception of any discov- like clock-work. " Come on-all four on you." eries worthy of being noted down, had arrived at the'Here's a lark!" shouted half a dozen hackneycoach stand in St. Martin's-le-Grand. coachmen. " Go to vork, Sam,"-and they crowded " Cab!" said Mr. Pickwick. with great glee round the party. " Here you are, sir," shouted a strange specimen "What's the row, Sam I" inquired one gentleman of the human race, in a sack-cloth coat, and apron in black calico sleeves. of the same, who, with a brass label and number "Row!" replied the cabman, "what did he want round his neck, looked as if he were catalogued in my number for?" some collection of rarities. This was the water- "I didn't want your number," said the astonished man. "Here you are, sir. Now, then, fust cab!" And Mr. Pickwick. the first cab having been fetched from the public- "What did you take it for, then?" inquired the house, where he had been smoking his first pipe, Mr. cabman. Pickwick and his portmanteau were thrown into the " I didn't take it," said Mr. Pickwick, indignantly. vehicle. "Would any body believe," continued the cab"Golden Cross," said Mr. Pickwick. driver, appealing to the crowd, "would any body, "Only a bob's vorth, Tommy," cried the driver, believe as an informer'ud go about in a man's cab, sulkily, for the information of his friend the water- not only takin' down his number, but ev'ry word he man, as the cab drove off. says into the bargain" (a light flashed upon Mr. "How old is that horse, my friend?" inquired Mr. Pickwick-it was the note-book). THE LIVELY STRANGER. 13 "Did he though?" inquired another cabman. the open street half an hour, with your eye against "Yes, did he," replied the first; " and then arter a lamp-post-eh,-very good-ha! ha!" And the aggerawatin' me to assault him, gets three witnesses stranger, without stopping to take breath, swallowhere to prove it. But I'll give it him, if I've six ed at a draught full half a pint of the reeking branmonths for it. Come on!" and the cabman dashed dy-and-water, and flung himself into a chair with as his hat upon the ground, with a reckless disregard much ease as if nothing uncommon had occurred. of his own private property, and knocked Mr. Pick- While his three companions were busily engaged wick's spectacles off, and followed up the attack in proffering their thanks to their new acquaintance, with a blow on Mr. Pickwick's nose, and another on Mr. Pickwick had leisure to examine his costume Mr. Pickwick's chest, and a third in Mr. Snodgrass's and appearance. eye, and a fourth, by way of variety, in Mr. Tup- He was about the middle height, but the thinness man's waistcoat, and then danced into the road, and of his body, and the length of his legs, gave him the then back again to the pavement, and finally dashed appearance of being much taller. The green coat the whole temporary supply of breath out of Mr. had been a smart dress garment in the days of swalWinkle's body; and all in half a dozen seconds. low-tails, but had evidently in those times adorned "Where's an officer?" said Mr. Snodgrass. a much shorter man than the stranger, for the soiled " Put'em under the pump," suggested a hotpie- and faded sleeves scarcely reached to his wrists. It man. was buttoned closely up to his chin, at the imminent "You shall smart for this," gasped Mr. Pickwick. hazard of splitting the back; and an old stock, with"Informers!" shouted the crowd. out a vestige of shirt-collar, ornamented his neck. "Come on!" cried the cabman, who. had been spar- His scanty black trowsers displayed here and there ring without cessation the whole time. those shiny patches which bespeak long service, and The mob had hitherto been passive spectators of were strapped very tightly over a pair of patched the scene, but as the intelligence of the Pickwicki- and mended shoes, as if to conceal the dirty white ans Bleing informers was spread among them, they stockings, which were nevertheless distinctly visibegan to canvass with considerable vivacity the ble. His long black hair escaped in negligent propriety of enforcing the heated pastry-vender's waves from beneath each side of his old pinched-up proposition; and there is no saying what acts of hat; and glimpses of his bare wrists might be obpersonal aggression they might have committed had served between the tops of his gloves and the cuffs not the affray been unexpectedly terminated by the of his coat-sleeves. His face was thin and haggard; interposition of a new-comer. but an indescribable air of jaunty impudence and "What's the fun?" said a rather tall thin young perfect self-possession pervaded the whole man. man, in a green coat, emerging suddenly from the Such was the individual on whom Mr. Pickwick coach-yard. gazed through his spectacles (which he had fortu" Informers!" shouted the crowd again. nately recovered), and to whom he proceeded, when "We are not," roared Mr. Pickwick, in a tone his friends had exhausted themselves, to return in which, to any dispassionate listener, carried convic- chosen terms his warmest thanks for his recent astion with it. sistance. "Ain't you, though,-ain't you?" said the young " Never mind," said the stranger, cutting the adman, appealing to Mr. Pickwick, and making his dress very short, "said enough, - no more; smart way through the crowd by the infallible process of chap that cabman-handled his fives well; but if elbowing the countenances of its component mem- I'd been your friend in the green jemmy-damn me bers. -punch his head,-'cod I would,-pig's whisperThat learned man in a few hurried words explain- pieman too,-no gammon." ed the real state of the case. This coherent speech was interrupted by the en" Come along, then," said he of the green coat, trance of the Rochester coachman, to announce that lugging Mr. Pickwick after him by main force, and "The Commodore " was on the point of starting. talking the whole way. " Here, No. 924, take your "Commodore!" said the stranger, starting up, fare, and take yourself off-respectable gentleman, "my coach,-place booked,-one outside-leave you -know him well-none of your nonsense-this to pay for the brandy-and-water,-want change for way, sir,-where's your friends?-all a mistake, I a five, -bad silver-Brummagem buttons-won't do see-never mind-accidents will happen-best reg- -no go-eh?" and he shook his head most knowulated families-never say die-down upon your ingly. luck-pull him up-put that in his pipe-like the Now it so happened that Mr. Pickwick and his flavor-damned rascals." And with a lengthened three companions had resolved to make Rochester string of similar broken sentences, delivered with their first halting-place too; and having intimated extraordinary volubility, the stranger led the way to their'new - found acquaintance that they were to the travelers' waiting-room, whither he was close- journeying to the same city, they agreed to occupy ly followed by Mr. Pickwick and his disciples. the seat at the back of the coach, where they could " Here, waiter!" shouted the stranger, ringing the all sit together. bell with tremendous violence, "glasses round,- "Up with you," said the stranger, assisting Mr. brandy-and-water, hot and strong, and sweet, and Pickwick on to the roof with so much precipitation plenty-eye damaged, sir? Waiter! raw beefsteak as to impair the gravity of that gentleman's deportfor the gentleman's eye,-nothing like raw beef- ment very materially. steak for a bruise, sir; cold lamp-post very good, but "Any luggage, sir?" inquired the coachman. lamp-post inconvenient-damned odd standing in "Who-I? Brown paper parcel here, that's all, 14 THE PICK WICK CLUB. other luggage gone by water,-packing-cases, nailed "You have been in Spain, sir t"' said Mr. Tracy up-big as houses-heavy, heavy, damned heavy," Tupman. replied the stranger, as he forced into his pocket as " Lived there-ages." much as he could of the brown paper parcel, which "Many conquests, sir?" inquired Mr. Tupman. presented most suspicious indications of containing "Conquests! Thousands. Don Bolaro Fizzgigone shirt and a handkerchief. Grandee-only daughter-Donna Christina-splen" Heads, heads-take care of your heads!" cried did creature-loved me to distraction-jealous fathe loquacious stranger, as they came out under the ther-high-souled daughter-handsome Englishman low archway, which in those days formed the en- -Donna Christina in despair-prussic acid-stomtrance to the coach-yard. " Terrible place-danger- ach-pump in my portmanteau-operation performed ous work-other day-five children-mother-tall -old Bolaro in ecstasies-consent to our union-join lady, eating sandwiches-forgot the arch-crash- hands and floods of tears-romantic story-very." knock-children look round-mother's head off- "Is the lady in England now, sir?" inquired Mr. sandwich in her hand-no mouth to put it in-head Tupman, on whom the description of her charms had of a family off-shocking, shocking! Looking at produced a powerful impression. Whitehall, sir?-fine place-little window-some- "Dead, sir-dead," said the stranger, applying to body else's head off there, eh, sir?-he didn't keep a his right eye the brief remnant of a very old cambric sharp look-out enough either-eh, sir, eh?" handkerchief. " Never recovered the stomach-pump "I am ruminating," said Mr. Pickwick, " on the -undermined constitution-fell a victim." strange mutability of human affairs." "And her father?" inquired the poetic Snodgrass. "Ah! I see-in at the palace door one day, out at "Remorse and misery," replied the stranger. the window the next. Philosopher, sir V" "Sudden disappearance-talk of the whole city" An observer of human nature, sir," said Mr. Pick- search made everywhere-without success-public wick. fountain in the great square suddenly ceased play" Ah, so am'I. Most people are when they've lit- ing - weeks elapsed - still a stoppage - workmen tle to do and less to get. Poet, sir?'" employed to clean it -water drawn off-father-in"My friend Mr. Snodgrass has a strong poetic law discovered sticking head first in the main pipe, turn," said Mr. Pickwick. with a full confession in his right boot-took him " So have I," said the stranger. "Epic poem,- out, and the fountain played away again, as well as ten thousand lines-revolution of July-composed ever." it on the spot-Mars by day, Apollo by night,-bang "Will you allow me to note that little romance the field-piece, twang the lyre." down, sir?" said Mr. Snodgrass, deeply affected. "You were present at that glorious scene, sir?" "Certainly, sir, certainly,-fifty more if you like said Mr. Snodgrass. to hear'em-strange life mine-rather curious his"Present! think I was;* fired a musket - fired tory-not extraordinary, but singular." with an idea, —rushed into wine-shop-wrote it In this strain, with an occasional glass of ale, by down-back again-whiz, bang-another idea- way of parenthesis, when the coach changed horses, wine-shop again-pen and ink-back again-cut did the stranger proceed, until they reached Rochesand slash —noble time, sir. Sportsman, sir?" ab- ter bridge, by which time the note-books, both of ruptly turning to Mr. Winkle. Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Snodgrass, were completely A little, sir," replied that gentleman. filled with selections from his adventures. "Fine pursuit, sir,-fine pursuit.-Dogs, sir?" "Magnificent ruin!" said Mr. Augustus Snodgrass, "Not just now," said Mr. Winkle. with all the poetic fervor that distinguished him, "Ah! you should keep dogs-fine animals-saga- when they came in sight of the fine old castle. cious creatures-dog of my own once-Pointer-sur- " What a study for an antiquarian!" were the very prising instinct-out shooting one day-entering in- words which fell from Mr. Pickwick's mouth, as he closure-whistled-dog stopped-whistled again- applied his telescope to his eye. Ponto-no go; stock still-called him-Ponto, Pon- "Ah! fine place," said the stranger, "glorious pile to-wouldn't move-dog transfixed-staring at a -frowning walls-tottering arches-dark nooksboard-looked up, saw an inscription-' Gamekeep- crumbling staircases - Old cathedral too - earthy er has orders to shoot all dogs found in this inclos- smell-pilgrim's feet worn away the old steps-liture'-wouldn't pass it -wonderful dog-valuable tie Saxon doors-confessionals like money-takers' dog that-very." boxes at theatres-queer customers those monks-; " Singular circumstance that," said Mr. Pickwick. Popes, and Lord-Treasurers, and all sorts of old fel"Will you allow me to make a note of it?" lows, with great red faces, and broken noses, turning "Certainly, sir, certainly-hundredmore anecdotes up every day-buff jerkins too-matchlocks-Sarof the same animal.-Fine girl, sir" (to Mr. Tracy cophagus-fine place-old legends too-strange stoTupman, who had been bestowing sundry anti-Pick- ries: capital;" and the stranger continued to solilowickian glances on a young lady by the road-side). quize until they reached the Bull Inn, in the High "Very!" said Mr. Tupman. Street, where the coach stopped. " English girls not so fine as Spanish-noble crea- " Do you remain here, sir?" inquired Mr. Nathaniel tures-jet hair-black eyes-lovely forms-sweet Winkle. creatures-beautiful." "Here-not I-but you'd better-good houses A remarkable instance of the prophetic force of Mr. Jin- nice beds-Wright's next house, dear-very deargle's imagination; this dialogue occurring in the year 1827, and half a crown in the bill if you look at the waiterthe Revolution in 1830. charge you more if you dine at a friend's than they THE TRAVELERS ON THEIR JOURNEY. 15 would if you dined in the coffee-room-rum fellows "The consumption of tobacco in these towns (con-very." tinues Mr. Pickwick) must be very great: and the Mr. Winkle turned to Mr. Pickwick, and murmured smell which pervades the streets must be exceeda few words; a whisper passed from Mr. Pickwick to ingly delicious to those who are extremely fond of Mr. Snodgrass, from Mr. Snodgrass to Mr. Tupman, smoking. A superficial traveler might object to the and nods of assent were exchanged. Mr. Pickwick dirt which is their leading characteristic; but to addressed the stranger. those who view it as an indication of traffic and " You rendered us a very important service this commercial prosperity, it is truly gratifying." morning, sir," said he; "will you allow us to offer a Punctual to five o'clock came the stranger, and slight mark of our gratitude by begging the favor of shortly afterward the dinner. He had divested himyour company at dinner?" self of his brown paper parcel, but had made no al"Great pleasure - not presume to dictate, but teration in his attire; and was, if possible, more lobroiled fowl and mushrooms-capital thing! what quacious than ever. time " "What's that?" he inquired, as the waiter re" Let me see," replied Mr. Pickwick, referring to moved one of the covers. his watch, "it is now nearly three. Shall we say "Soles, sir." five?" "Soles-ah!-capital fish-all come from London "Suit me excellently," said the stranger, "five -stage-coach proprietors get up political dinnersprecisely-till then-care of yourselves;" and lift- carriage of soles-dozens of baskets-cunning feling the pinched-up hat a few inches from his head, lows. Glass of wine, sir?" and carelessly replacing it very much on one side, "With pleasure," said Mr. Pickwick; and the the stranger, with half the brown paper parcel stick- stranger took wine, first with him, and then with ing out of his pocket, walked briskly up the yard, Mr. Snodgrass, and then with Mr. Tupman, and then and turned into the High Street. with Mr. Winkle, and then with the whole party to"Evidently a traveler in many countries, and a gether, almost as rapidly as he talked. close observer of men and things," said Mr. Pickwick. "Devil of a mess on the staircase, waiter," said " I should like to see his poem," said Mr. Snodgrass. the stranger. * "Forms going up-carpenters com" I should like to have seen that dog," said Mr. ing down-lamps, glasses, harps. What's going forWinkle. ward?" Mr. Tupman said nothing; but he thought of Don- "Ball, sir," said the waiter. na Christina, the stomach-pump, and the fountain; "Assembly, eh?" and his eyes filled with tears. " No, sir, not Assembly, sir. Ball for the benefit A private sitting-ioom having been engaged, bed- of a charity, sir." rooms inspected, and dinner ordered, the party walk- "Many fine women in this town, do you know, ed out to view the city and adjoining neighborhood. sir?" inquired Mr. Tupman, with great interest. We do not find, from a careful perusal of Mr. "Splendid-capital. Kent, sir-every body knows Pickwick's notes on the four towns, Stroud, Roch- Kent-apples, cherries, hops, and women. Glass of ester, Chatham, and Brompton, that his impressions wine, sir?" of their appearance differ in any material point "With great pleasure," replied Mr. Tupman. The from those of other travelers who have gone over stranger filled, and emptied. the same ground. His general description is easily "I should very much like to go," said Mr. Tupabridged. man, resuming the subject of the ball, " very much." " The principal productions of these towns," says "Tickets at the bar, sir," interposed the waiter; Mr. Pickwick, " appear to be soldiers, sailors, Jews, "half a guinea each, sir." chalk, shrimps, officers, and dock-yard men. The Mr. Tupman again expressed an earnest wish to commodities chiefly exposed for sale in the public be present at the festivity; but meeting with no restreets are marine stores, hard-bake, apples, flat-fish, sponse in the darkened eye of Mr. Snodgrass, or the and oysters. The streets present a lively and ani- abstracted gaze of Mr. Pickwick, he applied himself mated appearance, occasioned chiefly by the con- with great interest to the port-wine and dessert, viviality of the military. It is truly delightful to a which had just been placed on the table. The Waitphilanthropic mind, to see these gallant men stag- er withdrew, and the party were left to enjoy the gering along under the influence of an overflow, cozy couple of hours succeeding dinner. both of animal and ardent spirits; more especially "Beg your pardon, sir," said the stranger, " bottle when we remember that the following them about, stands-pass it round-way of the suin-through the and jesting with them, affords a cheap and innocent button-hole-no heel-taps," and he emptied his glass, amusement for the boy population. Nothing (adds which he had filled about two minutes before, and Mr. Pickwick) can exceed their good-humor. It was poured out another, with the air of a man who was but the day before my arrival that one of them had used to it. been most grossly insulted in the house of a pub- The wine was passed, and a fresh supply ordered. lican. The bar-maid had positively refused to draw The visitor talked, the Pickwickians listened. Mr. him any more liquor; in return for which he had Tupman felt every moment more disposed for the (merely in playfulness) drawn his bayonet, and ball. Mr. Pickwick's countenance glowed with an wounded the girl in the shoulder. And yet this fine expression of universal philanthropy; and Mr. Winfellow was the very first to go down to the house kle and Mr. Snodgrass fell fast asleep. next morning, and express his readiness to overlook "They're beginning up stairs," said the stranger the matter, and forget what had occurred. -" hear the company-fiddles tuning-now the harp 16 THE PICKWICK CLUB. -there they go." The various sounds which found sess as great a knowledge of both as if he had lived their way down stairs announced the commencement there from his infancy. Mr. Winkle was asleep, and of the first quadrille. Mr. Tupman had had sufficient experience in such "How I should like to go," said Mr. Tupman, matters to know, that the moment he awoke he again. would, in the ordinary course of nature, roll heavily "So should I," said the stranger-" confounded lug- to bed. He was undecided. "Fill your glass, and gage-heavy smacks-nothing'to go in-odd, an't it?" pass the wine," said the indefatigable visitor. Now general benevolence was one of the leading Mr. Tupman did as he was requested; and the adfeatures of the Pickwickian theory, and no one was ditional stimulus of the last glass settled his determore remarkable for the zealous manner in which mination. he observed so noble a principle than Mr. Tracy "Winkle's bedroom is inside mine," said Mr. TupTupman. The number of instances, recorded on the man; " I couldn't make him understand what I Transactions of the Society, in which that excellent wanted, if I woke him now, but I know he has a man referred objects of charity to the houses of oth- dress suit, in a carpet-bag, and supposing you wore er members for left-off garments or pecuniary relief it to the ball, and took it off when we returned, I is almost incredible. could replace it without troubling him at all about "I should be very happy to lend you a change of the matter." apparel for the purpose," said Mr. Tracy Tupman, "Capital," said the stranger, "famous plan"but you are rather slim, and I am-" damned odd situation-fourteen coats in the pack"Rather fat-grown-up Bacchus-cut the leaves ing-cases, and obliged to wear another mdn's-very -dismounted from the tub, and adopted kersey, eh? good notion, that-very." -not double distilled, but double milled-ha! ha! "We must purchase our tickets," said Mr. Tupman. pass the wine." "Not worth while splitting a guinea," said the Whether Mr. Tupman was somewhat indignant at stranger, "toss who shall pay for both-I call; you the peremptory tone in which he was desired to pass spin - first time - woman - woman - bewitching the wine which the stranger passed so quickly away; woman," and down came the sovereign, with the or whether he felt very properly scandalized, at an Dragon (called by courtesy a woman) uppermost. influential member of the Pickwick club being igno- Mr. Tupman rang the bell, purchased the tickets, miniously compared to a dismounted Bacchus, is a and ordered chamber candlesticks. In another quarfact not yet completely ascertained. He passed the ter of an hour the stranger was completely arrayed wine, coughed twice, and looked at the stranger for in a full suit of Mr. Nathaniel Winkle's. several seconds with a stern intensity; as that in- "It's a new coat," said Mr. Tupman, as the stran. dividnal, however, appeared perfectly collected, and ger surveyed himself with great complacency in a quite calm under his searching glance, he gradually cheval-glass; "the first that's been made with our relaxed, and reverted to the subject of the ball. club button," and he called his companion's atten"I was about to observe, sir," he said, "that tion to the large gilt button which displayed a bust though my apparel would be too large, a suit of my of Mr. Pickwick in the centre, and the letters " P. C." friend Mr. Winkle's would perhaps fit you better." on either side. The stranger took Mr. Winkle's measure with his "P. C.," said the stranger —" queer set out-old eye; and that feature glistened with satisfaction as fellow's likeness, and'P. C.'-What does'P. C.' he said-" Just the thing." stand for-Peculiar coat, eh?" Mr. Tupman looked round him. The wine, which Mr. Tupman, with rising indignation and great had exerted its somniferous influence over Mr. Snod- importance, explained the mystic device. grass and Mr. Winkle, had stolen upon the senses of "Rather short in the waist, an't it?" said the Mr. Pickwick. That gentleman had gradually pass- stranger, screwing himself round to catch a glimpse ed through the various stages which precede the in the glass of the waist buttons which were halflethargy produced by dinner, and its consequences. way up his back. "Like a general postman's coatHe had undergone the ordinary transitions from the queer coats those-made by contract-no measuring height of conviviality to the depth of misery, and -mysterious dispensations of Providence-all the from the depth of misery to the height of conviviali- short men get long coats-all the long men short ty. Like a gas lamp in the street, with the wind ones." Runmnng on in this way, Mr. Tupman's new in the pipe, he had exhibited for a moment an un- companion adjusted his dress, or rather the.dress of natural brilliancy: then sunk so low as to be scarce- Mr. Winkle; and, accompanied by Mr. Tupman, asly discernible: after a short interval he had burst cended the staircase leading to the ball-room. out again, to enlighten for a moment, then flickered "What names, sir?" said the man at the door. with an uncertain, staggering sort of light, and then Mr. Tracy Tupman was stepping forward to angone out altogether. His head was sunk upon his nounce his own titles, when the stranger prevented bosom; and perpetual snoring, with a partial choke him. occasionally, were the only audible indications of "No names at all;" and then he whispered Mr. the great man's presence. Tupman, "Names won't do-not known-very good The temptation to be present at the ball, and to names in their way, but not great ones-capital form his first impressions of the beauty of the Kent- names for a small party, but won't make an impresish ladies, was strong upon Mr. Tupman. The temp- sion in public assemblies-incog. the thing-Gentletation to take the stranger with him was equally men from London-distinguished foreigners-any great. He was wholly unacquainted with the place thing." The door was thrown open; and Mr. Tracy and its inhabitants; and the stranger seemed to pos- Tupman, and the stranger, entered the ball-room. AT' THE BALL. 17 It was a long room, with crimson-covered benches, other parts of it. The less aristocratic officers of and wax-candles in glass chandeliers. The musi- the 97th devoted themselves to the families of the cians were securely confined in an elevated den, and less important functionaries from the Dock-yard. quadrilles were being systematically got through by The solicitors' wives, and the wine-merchant's wife, two or three sets of dancers. Two card-tables were headed another grade (the brewer's wife visited the made up in the adjoining card-room, and two pair Bulders); and Mrs. Tomlinson, the post-office keeper, of old ladies, and a corresponding number of stout seemed by mutual consent to have been chosen the gentlemen, were executing whist therein. leader of the trade party. The finale concluded, the dancers promenaded the One of the most popular personages, in his own ro6m, and Mr. Tupman and his companion stationed circle, present was a little fat man, with a ring df themselves in a corner, to observe the company. upright black hair round his hea'd, and an extensive "Charming women," said Mr. Tupman. bald plain on the top of it-Doctor Slammer, surgeon "Wait a minute," said the stranger, " fun present- to the 97th. The Doctor took snuff with every body, ly-nobs not come yet-queer place-Dock-yard peo- chatted with every body, laughed, danced, made pie of upper rank don't know Dock-yard people of jokes, played whist, did every thing, and was everylower rank-Dock-yard people of.lower rank don't where. To these pursuits, multifarious as they were, know small gentry-small gentry don't know trades- the little Doctor added a more important one than people-Commissioner don't know any body." any-he was indefatigable in. paying the most unre"Who's that little boy with the light hair and mitting and devoted attention to a little old widow, pink eyes, in a fancy dress I" inquired Mr. Tupman. whose rich dress and profusion of ornament bespoke " Hush, pray-pink eyes-fancy dress-little boy her a most desirable addition to a limited income. -nonsense-Ensign 97th-Honorable Wilmot Snipe Upon the Doctor, and the widow, the eyes of both -great family-Snipes-very." Mr. Tupman and his companion had been fixed for "1 Sir Thomas Clubber, Lady Clubber, and the Misssome time, when the stranger broke silence. Clubbers!" shouted the man at the door in a stento- "Lots of money-old girl-pompous Doctor-not rian voice. A great sensation was created through- a bad idea-good fun," were the intelligible senout the room by the entrance of a tall gentleman in tences which issued from his lips. Mr. Tupman a blue coat and bright buttons, a large lady in blue looked inquisitively in his face. satin, and two young ladies, on a similar scale, in " I'll dance with the widow," said the stranger. fashionably-made dresses of the same hue. "Who is she?" inquired Mr. Tupman. " Commissioner-head of the yard-great man- "Don't know-never saw her in all my life-cut remarkably great man," whispered the stranger in out the Doctor-here goes." And the stranger forthMr. Tupman's ear, as the charitable committee ush- with crossed the room; and, leaning against a manered Sir Thomas Clubber and family to the top of tel-piece, commenced gazing with an air of respectthe room. The Honorable Wilmot Snipe, and other ful and melancholy admiration on the fat countedistinguished gentlemen crowded to render homage nance of the little old lady. Mr. Tupman looked on, to the Miss Clubbers; and Sir Thomas Clubber stood in mute astonishment. The stranger progressed bolt upright, and looked majestically over his black rapidly; the little Doctor danced with another lady; neckerchief at the assembled company. the widow dropped her fan, the stranger picked it " Mr. Smithie, Mrs. Smithie, and the Misses Smith- up, and presented it-a smile-a bow-a courtesyie," was the next announcement. a few words of conversation. The stranger walked "What's Mr. Smithie?" inquired Mr. Tracy Tup- boldly up to, and returned with, the master of the man. ceremonies; a little introductory pantomime; and "Something in the yard," replied the stranger. the stranger and Mrs. Budger took their places in a Mr. Smithie bowed deferentially to Sir Thomas Club- quadrille. ber; and Sir Thomas Clubber acknowledged the sa- The surprise of Mr. Tupman at this summary prolute with conscious condescension. Lady Clubber ceeding, great as it was, was immeasurably exceeded took a telescopic view of Mrs. Smithie and family by the astonishment of the Doctor. The stranger through her eye-glass, and Mrs. Smithie stared in her was young, and the widow was flattered. The Docturn at Mrs. Somebody else, whose husband was not tor's attentions were unheeded by the widow; and in the Dock-yard at all. the Doctor's indignation was wholly lost on his im"Colonel Bulder, Mrs. Colonel Bulder, and Miss perturbablerival. Doctor Slammer was paralyzed. Bulder," were the next arrivals. He, Doctor Slammer, of the' 97th, to be extinguished "Head of the Garrison," said the stranger, in re- in a moment, by a man whom nobody had ever seen ply to Mr. Tupman's inquiring look. before, and whom nobody knew even now! Doctor Miss Bulder was warmly welcomed by the Miss Slammer-Doctor Slammer of the 97th rejected! Clubbers; the greeting between Mrs. Colonel Bulder Impossible'! It could not be! Yes, it was; there and Lady Clubber was of the most affectionate de- they were. What! introducing his friend! Could scription; Colonel Bulder and Sir Thomas Clubber he believe his eyes! He looked again, and was unexchanged snuff-boxes, and looked very much like a der the painful necessity of admitting the veracity pair of Alexander Selkirks-"Monarchs of all they of his optics; Mrs. Budger was dancing with Mr. surveyed." Tracy Tupman, there was no mistaking the fact. While the aristocracy of the place-the Bulders, There was the widow before him, bouncing bodily, and Clubbers, and Snipes-were thus preserving here and there, with unwonted vigor; and Mr. Tracy their dignity-at the tipper end of the room, the other Tupman hopping about, with a face expressive of classes of society were imitating their example in the most intense solemnity, dancing (as a good many 18 TJSE PICKWICK CLUB. people do) as if a quadrille were not a thing to be your party wears a bright blue dress-coat, with a laughed at, but a severe trial to the feelings, which gilt button with P. C. on it?" it requires inflexible resolution to encounter. "It's been given out to brush," thought Mr. PickSilently and patiently did the Doctor bear all this, wick, and the man has forgotten whom it belongs to. and all the handings of negus, and watching for "Mr. Winkle," he called out, "next room but two glasses, and darting for biscuits, and coquetting, that on the right hand." ensued; but, a few seconds after the stranger had " Thank'ee, sir," said the Boots, and away he went. disappeared to lead Mrs. Budger to her carriage, he " What's the matter?" cried Mr. Tupman, as a loud darted swiftly from the room with every particle of knocking at his door roused him from his oblivious his hitherto-bottled-up indignation effervescing, from repose. all parts of his countenance, in a perspiration of "Can I speak to Mr. Winkle, sir?" replied the passion. Boots from the outside. The stranger was returning, and Mr. Tupman was "Winkle-Winkle!" shouted Mr. Tupman, calling beside him. He spoke in a low tone, and laughed. into the inner room. The little Doctor thirsted for his life. He was ex- "Halloo!" replied a faint voice from within the ulting. He had triumphed. bed-clothes. "Sir!" said the Doctor, in an awful voice, produ- "You're wanted-some one at the door-" and cing a card, and retiring into an angle of the passage, having exerted himself to articulate thus much, Mr. "my name is Slammer, Doctor Slammer, sir-97th Tracy Tupman turned round and fell fast asleep Regiment - Chatham Barracks -my card, sir, my again. card." He would have added more, but his indigna- " Wanted!" said Mr. Winkle, hastily jumping out tion choked him. of bed, and putting on a few articles of clothing; "Ah!" replied the stranger, coolly, "Slammer- "wanted! at this distance from town- who on much obliged-polite attention-not ill now, Slam- earth can want me?" mer-but when I am-knock you up." "Gentleman in the coffee-room, sir," replied the "You-you're a shuffler! sir," gasped the furious Boots, as Mr. Winkle opened the door, and confrontDoctor, "a poltroon-a coward-a liar —a-a-will ed him; "gentleman says he'll not detain you a monothing induce you to give me your card, sir!" ment, sir, but he can take no denial." "Oh! I see," said the stranger, half aside, "negus "Very odd!" said Mr. Winkle; "I'll be down ditoo strong here-liberal landlord-very foolish- rectly." very-lemonade much better-hot rooms-elderly He hurriedly wrapped himself in a traveling-shawl gentlemen-suffer for it in the morning-cruel- and dressing-gown, and proceeded down stairs. An cruel;" and he moved on a step or two. old woman and a couple of waiters were cleaning " You are stopping in this house, sir," said the in- the coffee-room, and an officer in undress uniform dignant little man; "you are intoxicated now, sir; was looking out of the window. He turned round you shall hear from me in the morning, sir. I shall as Mr. Winkle entered, and made a stiff inclination find you out, sir; I shall find you out." of the head. Having ordered the attendants to re" Rather you found me out than found me at home," tire, and closed the door very carefully, he said, " Mr. replied the unmoved stranger. Winkle, I presume?' Doctor Slammer looked unutterable ferocity, as "My name is Winkle, sir." he fixed his hat on his head with an indignant knock; "You will not be surprised, sir, when I inform and the stranger and Mr. Tupman ascended to the you, that I have called here this morning on behalf bedroom of the latter to restore the borrowed plum- of my friend, Dr. Slammer, of the Ninety-seventh." age to the unconscious Winkle." Doctor Slammer!" said Mr. Winkle. That gentleman was fast asleep; the restoration "Doctor Slammer. He begged me to express his was soon made. The stranger was extremely jocose; opinion that your conduct of last evening was of a and Mr. Tracy Tupman, being quite bewildered with description which no gentleman could endure; and wine, negus, lights, and ladies, thought the whole (he added) which no one gentleman would pursue affair an exquisite joke. His new friend departed; toward another." and, after experiencing some slight difficulty in find- Mr. Winkle's astonishment was too real, and too ing the orifice in his night-cap, originally intended evident, to escape the observation of Dr. Slammer's for the reception of his head, and finally overturning friend; he therefore proceeded-" My friend, Doctor his candlestick in his struggles to put it on, Mr. Slammer, requested me to add, that he was firmly Tracy Tupman managed to get into bed by a series persuaded you were intoxicated during a portion of of complicated evolutions, and shortly afterward the evening, and possibly unconscious of the extent sank into repose. of the insult you were guilty of. He commissioned Seven o'clock had hardly ceased striking on the me to say, that should this be pleaded as an excuse following morning when Mr. Pickwick's comprehen- for your behavior, he will consent to accept a writsive mind was aroused from the state of unconscious- ten'apology, to be penned by you, from my dictaness, in which slumber had plunged it, by a loud tion." knocking at his chamber door. "A written apology!" repeated Mr. Winkle, in the "Who's there?" said Mr. Pickwick, starting up in most emphatic tone of amazement possible. bed. " Of course you know the alternative," replied the "Boots, sir." visitor, coolly. "What do you want?" "Were you intrusted with this message to me, by "Please, sir, can you tell me, which gentleman of name?" inquired Mr. Winkle, whose intellects were AN AFFAIR OF HONOR. 19 hopelessly confused by this extraordinary conversa- "Will you refer me to a friend, to arrange the tion. time and place of meeting?" said the officer. "I was not present myself," replied the visitor, "Quite unnecessary," replied Mr. Winkle; "name "and in consequence of your firm refusal to give them to me, and I can procure the attendance of a your card to Doctor Slammer, I was desired by that friend afterward." gentleman to identify the wearer of a very uncom- "Shall we say-sunset this evening?" inquired mon coat-a bright blue dress-coat, with a gilt but- the officer, in a careless tone. ton displaying a bust, and the letters'P. C."' "Very good," replied Mr. Winkle; thinking in his Mr. Winkle actually staggered with astonishment heart it was very bad. as he heard his own costume thus minutely described. "You know Fort Pitt?" Doctor Slammer's friend proceeded: "From the in- "Yes; I saw it yesterday." quiries I made at the bar, just now, I was convinced "If you will take the trouble to turn into the field that the owner of the coat in question arrived here, which borders the trench, take the foot-path to the with three gentlemen, yesterday afternoon. I im- left when you arrive at an angle of the fortification, mediately sent up to the gentleman who was de- and keep straight on till you see me, I will precede scribed as appearing the head of the party, and he you to a secluded place, where the affair can be conat once referred me to you." ducted without fear of interruption." If the principal tower of Rochester Castle had sud- "Fear of interruption!" thought Mr. Winkle. denly walked from its foundation, and stationed it- "Nothing more to arrange, I think," said the ofself opposite the coffee-room window, Mr. Winkle's ficer. surprise would have been as nothing compared with "I am not aware of any thing more," replied Mr. the profound astonishment with which he had heard Winkle. this address. His first impression was, that his coat "Good-morning." had been stolen. " Will you allow me to detain you " Good-morning:" and the officer whistled a lively one moment?" said he. air as he strode away. " Certainly," replied the unwelcome visitor. That morning's breakfast passed heavily off. Mr. Mr. Winkle ran hastily up stairs, and with a trem- Tupman was not in a condition to rise, after the unbling hand opened the bag. There was the coat in wonted dissipation of the previous night; Mr. Snodits usual place, but exhibiting, on a close inspection, grass appeared to labor under a poetical depression evident tokens of having been worn on the preced- of spirits; and even Mr. Pickwick evinced an unusuing night. al attachment to silence and soda-water. Mr. Win" It must be so," said Mr. Winkle, letting the coat kle eagerly watched his opportunity: it was not fall from his hands. "I took too much wine after long wanlting. *Mr. Snodgrass proposed a visit to dinner, and have a very vague recollection of walk- the castle, and as Mr. Winkle was the only other ing about the streets and smoking a cigar afterward. member of the party disposed to walk, they went out The fact is, I was very drunk; I must have changed together. my coat-gone somewhere-and insulted somebody " Snodgrass," said Mr. Winkle, when they had -I have no doubt of it; and this message is the ter- turned out of the public street, " Snodgrass, my dear rible consequence." Saying which, Mr. Winkle re- fellow, can I rely upon your secrecy?" As he said traced his steps in the direction of the coffee-room, this, he most devoutly and earnestly hoped he could with the gloomy and dreadful resolve of accept- not. ing the challenge of the warlike Doctor Slammer, "You can," replied Mr. Snodgrass. "Hear me and abiding by the worst consequences that might swear-" ensue. " No, no," interrupted Winkle, terrified at the idea To this determination Mr. Winkle was urged by of his companion's unconsciously pledging himself a variety of considerations; the first of which was, not to give information; "don't swear, don't swear; his reputation with the club. He had always been it's quite unnecessary." looked up to as a high authority on all matters of Mr. Snadgrass dropped the hand which he had, in amusement and dexterity, whether offensive, defen- the spirit of oesy, raised toward the clouds as he sive, or inoffensive; and if, on this very first occa- made the above appeal, and assumed an attitude of sion of being put to the test, he shrunk back from attention. the trial, beneath his leader's eye, his name and "I want your assistance, my dear fellow, in an afstanding were lost forever. Besides, he remembered fair of honor," said Mr. Winkle. to have heard it frequently surmised by the uninitia- " You shall have it," replied Mr. Snodgrass, claspted in such matters, that by an understood arrange- ing his friend's hand. ment between the seconds, the pistols were seldom "With a Doctor-Doctor Slammer, of the Ninetyloaded with ball; and, furthermore, he reflected that seventh," said Mr. Winkle, wishing to make the matif he applied to Mr. Snodgrass to act as his second, ter appear as solemn as possible; "an affair with and depicted the danger in glowing terms, that gen- an officer, seconded by another officer, at sunset this tleman might possibly communicate the intelligence evening, in a lonely field beyond Fort Pitt." to Mr. Pickwick, who would certainly lose no time "I will attend you," said Mr. Snodgrass. in transmitting it to the local authorities, and thus He was astonished, but by no means dismayed. prevent the killing or maiming of his follower. It is extraordinary how cool any party but the prinSuch were his thoughts when he returned to the cipal can be in such cases. Mr. Winkle had forgotcoffee-room, and intimated his intention of accept- ten this. He had judged of his friend's feelings by ing the Doctor's challenge. his own. 20 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "The consequences may be dreadful," said Mr. assistance of several peace officers, to take either me Winkle. or Doctor Slammer, of the Ninety-seventh Regiment, "I hope not," said Mr. Snodgrass. at present quartered in Chatham Barracks, into cus"The Doctor, I believe, is a very good shot," said tody, and thus prevent this duel;-I say, do not." Mr. Winkle. Mr. Snodgrass seized his friend's hand warmly, as "Most of these military men are," observed Mr. he enthusiastically replied, " Not for worlds!" Snodgrass, calmly; " but so are you, an't you " A thrill passed over Mr. Winkle's frame as the Mr. Winkle replied in the affirmative; and per- conviction that he had nothing to hope from his ceiving that he had not alarmed his companion suf- friend's fears, and that he was destined to become ficiently, changed his ground. an animated target, rushed forcibly upon him. " Snodgrass," he said, in a voice tremulous with The state of the case having been formally exemotion, a if I fall, you will find in a packet which I plained to Mr. Snodgrass, and a case of satisfaction shall place in your hands a note for my-for my fa- pistols, with the satisfactory accompaniments of ther." powder, ball, and caps, having been hired from a This attack was a failure also. Mr. Snodgrass manufacturer in Rochester, the two friends returned was affected, but he undertook the delivery of the to their inn; Mr. Winkle to ruminate on the ap-,- 4-""HAVE YOU GOT'EVREY THING?" SAID MR WINKLE, IN AN AGITATED TONE. note as readily as if he had been a Two-penny Post- proaching struggle, and Mr. Snodgrass to arrange the man. weapons of war, and put them into proper order for "If I fall," said Mr. Winkle, "or if the Doctor immediate use. falls, you, my dear friend, will be tried as an acces- It was a dull and heavy evening when they again sory before the fact. Shall I involve my friend in sallied forth on their awkward errand. Mr. Winkle transportation-possibly for life!" was muffled up in a huge cloak to escape observation, Mr. Snodgrass winced a little at this, but his hero- and Mr. Snodgrass bore under his the instruments of ism was invincible. "In the cause of friendship,"destruction. he fervently exclaimed, " I would brave all dangers." " Have you got every thing?" said Mr. Winkle, in How Mr. Winkle cursed his companion's devoted an agitated tone. friendship internally, as they. walked silently along, "Ev'ry thing," replied Mr. Snodgrass; "plenty side by side, for some minutes, each immersed in his of ammunition, in case the shots don't take effect. own meditations! The morning was wearing away; There's a quarter of a pound of powder in thie case, he grew desperate. and I have got two newspapers in my pocket for the " Snodgrass," he said, stopping suddenly, "do not loadings." let me be baulked in this matter-do not give infor- These were instances of friendship for which any mation to the local authorities-do not obtain the men might reasonably feel most grateful. The pre ON THE GROUND. 21 sumption is, that the gratitude of Mr. Winkle was " You have got the packet, my dear fellow," said too powerful for utterance, as he said nothing, but poor Winkle. continued to walk on-rather slowly. "All right," said Mr. Snodgrass. "Be steady, and "We are in excellent time," said Mr. Snodgrass, as wing him." they climbed the fence of the first field; " the sun is It occurred to Mr. Winkle that this advice was just going down." Mr. Winkle looked up at the de- very like that which by-standers invariably give to dining orb, and painfully thought of the probability the smallest boy in a street fight, namely, " Go in, of his "going down" himself, before long. and win:"-an admirable thing to recommend, if you " There's the officer," exclaimed Mr. Winkle, after only know how to do it. He took off his cloak, howa few minutes' walking. ever, in silence-it always took a long time to undo, " Where?" said Mr. Snodgrass. that cloak-and accepted the pistol. The seconds "There;-the gentleman in the blue cloak." Mr. retired, the gentleman on the camp - stool did the Snodgrass looked in the direction indicated by the same, and the belligerents approached each other. forefinger of his friend, and observed a figure, muf- Mr. Winkle was always remarkable for extreme fled up, as he had described. The officer evinced his humanity. It is conjectured that his unwillingness consciousness of their presence by slightly beckoning to hurt a fellow-creature intentionally was the cause with his hand; and the two friends followed him at of his shutting his eyes when he arrived at the fatal a little distance, as he walked away. spot; and that the circumstance of his eyes being The evening grew more dull every moment, and closed, prevented his observing the very extraordia melancholy wind sounded through the deserted nary and unaccountable demeanor of Doctor Slamfields, like a distant giant- whistling for his house- mer. That gentleman started, stared, retreated, dog. The sadness of the scene imparted a sombre rubbed his eyes, stared again; and, finally, shouted tinge to the feelings of Mr. Winkle. He started as " Stop, stop!" they passed the angle of the trench-it looked like "What's all this?" said Doctor Slammer, as his a colossal grave. friend and Mr. Snodgrass came running up; " that's The officer turned suddenly from the path, and af- not the man." ter climbing a paling, and scaling a hedge, entered "Not the man!" said Dr. Slammer's second. a secluded field. Two gentlemen were waiting in "Not the man!" said Mr. Snodgrass. it; one was a little fat man, with black hair; and "Not the man!" said the gentleman with the the other-a portly personage in a braided surtout camp-stool in his hand. -was sitting with perfect equanimity on a camp- " Certainly not," replied the little Doctor. "That's stool. not the person who insulted me last night." " The other party, and a surgeon, I suppose," said "Very extraordinary!" exclaimed the officer. Mr. Snodgrass; "take a drop of brandy." Mr. "Very," said the gentleman with the camp-stool. Winkle seized the wicker bottle which his friend " The only question is, whether the gentleman, being proffered, and took a lengthened pull at the exhila- on the ground, must not be considered, as a matter rating liquid. of form, to be the individual who insulted our friend, "My friend, sir, Mr. Snodgrass," said Mr. Winkle, Doctor Slammer, yesterday evening, whether he is as the officer approached. Doctor Slammer's friend really that individual or not:" and having delivered bowed, and produced a case similar to that which this suggestion, with a very sage and mysterious Mr. Snodgrass carried. air, the man with the camp-stool took a large pinch " We have. nothing further to say, sir, I think," he of snuff, and looked profoundly round, with the air coldly remarked, as he opened the case; " an apolo- of an authority in such matters. gy has been resolutely declined." Now Mr. Winkle had opened his eyes, and his ears "Nothing, sir," said Mr. Snodgrass, who began to too, when he heard his adversary call out for a cesfeel rather uncomfortable himself. sation of hostilities; and perceiving by what he had " Will you step forward?" said the officer. afterward said, that there was, beyond all question, "Certainly," replied Mr. Snodgrass. The ground some mistake in the matter, he at once foresaw the was measured, and preliminaries arranged. increase of reputation he should inevitably acquire " You will find these better than your own," said by concealing the real motive of his coming out: he the opposite second, producing his pistols. "You therefore stepped boldly forward, and saidsaw me load them. Do you object to use them?" I am not the person. I know it." " Certainly not," replied Mr. Snodgrass. The offer' Then, that," said the man with the camp-stool, relieved him from considerable embarrassment, for "is an affront to Dr. Slammer, and a sufficient reason his previous notions of loading a pistol were rather for proceeding immediately." vague and undefined. "Pray be quiet, Payne," said the Doctor's second. "We may place our men, then, I think," observed " Why did you not communicate this fact to me this the officer, with as much indifference as if the prin- morning, sir?" cipals were chess-men, and the seconds players. " To be sure-to be sure," said the man with the "I think we may," replied Mr. Snodgrass; who camp-stool, indignantly. would have assented to any proposition, because he "I entreat you to be quiet, Payne," said the othknew nothing about the matter. The officer cross- er. " May I repeat my question, sir?" ed to Doctor Slammer, and Mr. Snodgrass went up to " Because, sir," replied Mr. Winkle, who had had Mr. Winkle. time to deliberate upon his answer, "because, sir, "It's all ready," he said, offering the pistol. you described an intoxicated and ungentlemanly "Give me your cloak." person as wearing a coat which I have the honor, 22 THE PICKWICK CLUB. not only to wear, but to have invented-the proposed " Oh, certainly." uniform, sir, of the Pickwick Club in London. The By this time they had reached the road. Cordial honor of that uniform I feel bound to maintain, and farewells were exchanged, and the party separated. I therefore, without inquiry, accepted the challenge Dr. Slammer and his friends repaired to the barwhich you offered me." racks, and Mr. Winkle, accompanied by his friend, "My dear sir," said the good-humored little Doc- Mr. Snodgrass, returned to their inn. tor, advancing with extended hand, "I honor your gallantry. Permit me to say, sir, that I highly ad —mire your conduct, and extremely regret having caused you the inconvenience of this meeting, to no CHAPTER III. purpose." p sA NEW ACQUAINTANCE. —THE STROLLER'S TALE. —A "I beg you won't mention it, sir," said Mr. Winkle.A NEW ACQTAINTAE.-THE STROLLER'S TALE.-A "I shall feel proud of your acquaintance, sir," said DISAGREEABLE INTERRUPTION, AND AN UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER. the little Doctor. "It will afford me the greatest pleasure to know /[R. PICKWICK had felt some apprehensions in you, sir," replied Mr. Winkle. Thereupon the Doc- IVI consequence of the unusual absence of his two tor and Mr. Winkle shook hands, and then Mr. Win- friends, which their mysterious behavior during the kle and Lieutenant Tappleton (the Doctor's second), whole morning had by no means tended to diminish. and then Mr. Winkle and the man with the camp- It was, therefore, with more than ordinary pleasure,tool, and, finally, Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass- that he rose to greet them when they again entered; the last-named gentleman in an excess of admiration and with more than ordinary interest that he inat the noble conduct of his heroic friend. quired what had occurred to detain them from his " I think we may adjourn," said Lieutenant Tap- society. In reply to his questions on this point, Mr. pleton. Snodgrass was about to offer an historical account "Certainly," added the Doctor. of the circumstances just now detailed, when he was "Unless," interposed the man with the camp-stool, suddenly checked by observing that there were pres" unless Mr. Winkle feels himself aggrieved by the ent, not only Mr. Tupman and their stage-coach comchallenge; in which case, I submit, he has a right to panion of the preceding day, but another stranger satisfaction." of equally singular appearance. It was a care-worn Mr. Winkle, with great self-denial, expressed him- looking man, whose sallow face, and deeply sunken self quite satisfied already. eyes, were rendered still more striking than nature " Or possibly," said the man with the camp-stool, had made them, by the straight black hair which "the gentleman's second may feel himself affront- hung in matted disorder, half-way down his face. ed with some observation which fell from me at an His eyes were almost unnaturally bright and pierearly period of this meeting: if so, I shall be happy cing; his cheek-bones were high and prominent; to give him satisfaction immediately." and his jaws were so long and lank, that an observer Mr. Snodgass hastily professed himself very much would have supposed that he was drawing the flesh obliged with the handsome offer of the gentleman of his face in, for a moment, by some contraction of who had spoken last, which he was only induced to the muscles, if his half-opened mouth and immovadecline by his entire contentment with the whole ble expression had not announced that it was his proceedings. The two seconds adjusted the cases, ordinary appearance. Round his neck he wore a and the whole party left the ground in a much more green shawl, with the large ends straggling over his lively manner than they had proceeded to it. chest, and making their appearance occasionally be"Do you remain long here?" inquired Dr. Slam- neath the worn button-holes of his old waistcoat. mer of Mr. Winkle, as they walked on most amicably His upper garment was a long black surtout; and together. below it he wore wide drab trowsers, and large " I think we shall leave here the day after to-mor- boots, running rapidly to seed. row," was the reply. It was on this uncouth-looking person that Mr. "I trust I shall have the pleasure of seeing you Winkle's eye rested, and it was toward him that Mr. and your friend at my rooms, and of spending a pleas- Pickwick extended his hand, when he said "A friend ant evening with you, after this awkward mistake," of our friend's here. We discovered this morning said the little Doctor; "are you disengaged this that our friend was connected with the theatre in evening?" this place, though he is not desirous to have it gen"We have some friends here," replied Mr. Winkle, erally known, and this gentleman is a member of the " and I should not like to leave them to-night. Per- same profession. He was about to favor us with a hans you and your friend will join us at the Bull." little anecdote connected with it, when you entered." a With great pleasure," said the little Doctor; "Lots of anecdote," said the green-coated stran" will ten o'clock be too late to look in for half an ger of the day before, advancing to Mr. Winkle and hour?" speaking in a low and confidential tone. "Rum fel"Oh dear, no," said Mr. Winkle. "I shall be most low-does the heavy business-no actor-strange happy to introduce you to my friends, Mr. Pickwick man-all sorts of miseries-Dismal Jemmy, we call and Mr. Tupman." him on the circuit." Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass "It will give me great pleasure, I am sure," re- politely welcomed the gentleman, elegantly desigplied Doctor Slammer, little suspecting who Mr. nated as "Dismal Jemmy;" and calling for brandyTupman was. and-water, in imitation of the remainder of the com"You will be sure to come?" said Mr. Snodgrass. pany, seated themselves at the table. A TUMBLER TUMBLING DOWNWARD. 23 "Now, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, " will you oblige the same course; yet he did persevere, and the result us by proceeding with what you were going to re- may be guessed. He could obtain no engagement, late?" and he wanted bread. The dismal individual took a dirty roll of paper "Every body who is at all acquainted with thefrom his pocket, and turning to Mr. Snodgrass, who atrical matters knows what a host of shabby, poverhad just taken out his note-book, said in a hollow ty-stricken men hang about the stage of a large esvoice perfectly in keeping with his outward man- tablishment-not regularly engaged actors, but bal"Are you the poet " let people, procession men, tumblers, and so forth, "I-I do a little in that way," replied Mr. Snod- who are taken on during the run of a pantomime, or grass, rather taken aback by the abruptness of the an Easter piece, and are then discharged, until the question. production of some heavy spectacle occasions a new "Ah! poetry makes life what lights and music do demand for their services. To this mode of life the the stage-strip the one of its false embellishments, man was compelled to resort; and taking the chair and the other of its illusions, and what is there real every night, at some low theatrical house, at once in either to live or care for " put him in possession of a few more shillings week"Very true, sir," replied Mr. Snodgrass. ly, and enabled him to gratify his old propensity. "To be before the foot-lights," continued the dis- Even this resource shortly failed him; his irregumal man, "is like sitting at a grand court show, and larities were too great to admit of his earning the admiring the silken dresses of the gaudy throng-to wretched pittance he might thus have procured, and be behind them is to be the people who make that he was actually reduced to a state bordering on finery, uncared for and unknown, and left to sink or starvation, only procuring a trifle occasionally by swim, to starve or live, as fortune wills it." borrowing it of some old companion, or by obtaining "Certainly," said Mr. Snodgrass: for the sunken an appearance at one or other of the commonest of eye of the dismal man rested on him, and he felt it the minor theatres; and when he did earn any thing, necessary to say something. it was spent in the old way. " Go on, Jemmy," said the Spanish traveler, " like "About this time, and when he had been existing black-eyed Susan-all in the Downs-no croaking- for upward'of a year no one knew how, I had a short,speak out-look lively." engagement at one of the theatres on the Surrey side " Will you make another glass before you begin, of the water, and here I saw this man, whom I had sir?" said Mr. Pickwick. lost sight of for some time; for I had been traveling The dismal man took the hint, and having mixed in the provinces, and he had been skulking in the a glass of brandy-and-water, and slowly swallowed lanes and alleys of London. I was dressed to leave half of it, opened the roll of paper and proceeded, the house, and was crossing the stage on my way out, partly to read, and partly to relate, the following in- when he tapped me on the shoulder. Never shall I cident, which we find recorded on the Transactions forget the repulsive sight that met my'eye when I of the club as " The Stroller's Tale." turned round. He was dressed for the pantomime, in all the absurdity of a clown's costume. The specTHE STROLLER'S TALE. tral figures in the Dance of Death, the most frightful "There is nothing of the marvelous in what I am shapes that the ablest painter ever portrayed on cangoing to relate," said the dismal man; "there is vas, never presented an appearance half so ghastly. nothing even uncommon in it. Want and sickness His bloated body and shrunken legs-their deformiare too common in many stations of life, to deserve ty enhanced a hundred-fold by the fantastic dressmore notice than is usually bestowed on the most the glassy eyes, contrasting fearfully with the thick ordinary vicissitudes of human nature. I have white paint with which the face was besmeared; thrown these few notes tegether, because the sub- the grotesquely ornamented head, trembling with ject of them was well known to me for many years. paralysis, and the long, skinny hands, rubbed with I traced his progress downward, step by step, until white chalk-all gave him a hideous and unnatural at last he reached that excess of destitution from appearance, of which no description could convey an which he never rose again. adequate idea, and which, to this day, I shudder to " The man of whom I speak was a low pantomime think of. His voice was hollow and tremulous, as actor; and, like many people of his class, an habit- he took me aside, and in broken words recounted a ual drunkard. In his better days, before he had be- long catalogue of sickness and privations, terminacome enfeebled by dissipation and emaciated by dis- ting as usual with an urgent request for the loan of ease, he had been in the receipt of a good salary, a trifling sum of money. I put a few shillings in his which, if he had been careful and prudent, he might hand, and as I turned away I heard the roar of laughhave continued to receive for some years-not many: ter which followed his first tumble on to the stage. because these men either die early, or, by unnatu- "A few nights afterward, a boy put a dirty scrap rally taxing their bodily energies, lose, prematurely, of paper in my hand, on which were scrawled a few those physical powers on which alone they can de- words in pencil, intimating that the man was danpend for subsistence. His besetting sin gained so gerously ill, and begging me, after the performance, fast upon him, however, that it was found impossible to see him at his lodging in some street-I forget to employ him in the situations in which he really the name of it now-at no great distance from the was useful to the theatre. The public-house had a theatre. I promised to comply, as soon as I could fascination for him which he could not resist. Neg- get away; and, after the curtain fell, sallied forth on lected disease and hopeless poverty were as certain my melancholy errand. to be his portion as death itself, if he persevered in "It was late, fdr I had been playing in the last 24 THE PICKWICK CLUB. piece; and as it was a benefit night, the perform- medicine bottles, a broken glass, and a few other doances had been protracted to an unusual length. It mestic articles, was drawn out before it. A little was a dark cold night, with a chill damp wind, which child was sleeping on a temporary bed which had blew the rain heavily against the windows and house been made for it on the floor, and the woman sat on fronts. Pools of water had collected in the narrow a chair by its side. There were a couple of shelves, and little-frequented streets, and as many of the thin- with a few plates and cups and saucers: and a pair ly-scattered oil-lamps had been blown out by the vio- of stage shoes and a couple of foils hung beneath lence of the wind, the walk was not only a comfort- them. With the exception of little heaps of rags less, but most uncertain one. I had fortunately ta- and bundles which had been carelessly thrown into ken the right course, however, and succeeded, after a the corners of the room, these were the only things little difficulty, in finding the house to which I had in the apartment. been directed-a coal-shed, with one story above it, "I had had time to note these little particulars, in the back-room of which lay the object of my search. and to mark the heavy breathing and feverish start"A wretched-looking woman, the man's wife, met ings of the sick man, before he was aware of my i t t. i',., J, N "'NEVER SHALL I FORGET THE REPULSIVE SIGHT THAT MET MY EYE AS I TURNED ROUND." me on the stairs, and, telling me that he had just fall- presence. In his restless attempts to procure some en into a kind of doze, led me softly in, and placed a easy resting-place for his head, he tossed his hand chair for me at the bedside. The sick man was ly- out of the bed, and it fell on mine. He started up, ing with his face turned toward the wall; and as he and stared eagerly in my face. took no heed of my presence, I had leisure to observe "' Mr. Hut]ey, John,' said his wife;' Mr. Hutley, the place in which I found myself. that you sent for to-night, you know.' "He was lying on an old bedstead, which turned "' Ah!' said the invalid, passing his hand across up during the day. The tattered remains of a check- his forehead;'Hutley - Hutley-let me see.' He ed curtain were drawn round the bed's head, to ex- seemed endeavoring to collect his thoughts for a few elude the wind, which however made its way into seconds, and then grasping me tightly by the wrist the comfortless room through the numerous chinks said,'Don't leave me - don't leave me, old fellow. in the door, and blew it to and fro every instant. She'll murder me; I know she will.' There was a low cinder fire in a rusty, unfixed grate; "' Has he been long so V' said I, addressing his and an old three-cornered stained table, with some weeping wife. THE SICK CLO WN. 25 "' Since yesterday night,' she replied.'John, "I took the seat I had occupied the night before, John, don't you know me?' and there I sat for hours, listening to sounds which "' Don't let her come near me,' said the man, with must strike deep to the heart of the most callous a shudder, as she stooped over him.'Drive her among human beings-the awful ravings of a dying away; I can't bear her near me.' He stared wildly man. From what I had heard of the medical atat her, with a look of deadly apprehension, and then tendant's opinion, I knew there was no hope for him: whispered in my ear,'I beat her, Jem; I beat her I was sitting by his death-bed. I. saw the wasted yesterday, and many times before. I have starved limbs, which a few hours before had been distorted her and the boy too; and now I am weak and help- for the amusement of a boisterous gallery, writhing less, Jem, she'll murder me for it; I know she will. under the tortures of a burning fever-I heard the If you'd seen her cry, as I have, you'd know it too. clown's shrill laugh, blending with the low murmurKeep her off.' He relaxed his grasp, and sank back ings of the dying man. exhausted on the pillow. "It is a touching thing to hear the mind reverting "I knew but too well what all this meant. If I to the ordinary occupations and pursuits of health, could have entertained any doubt of it, for an in- when the body lies before you weak and helpless; stant, one glance at the woman's pale face and wast- but when those occupations are of a character the ed form would have sufficiently explained the real most strongly opposed to any thing we associate state of the case.' You had better stand aside,' said with grave or solemn ideas, the impression produced I to the poor creature.'You can do him no good. is infinitely more powerful. The theatre, and the Perhaps he will be calmer, if he does not see you.' public-house, were the chief themes of the wretched She retired out of the man's sight. He opened his man's wanderings. It was evening, he fancied; he eyes, after a few seconds, and looked anxiously had a part to play that night; it was late, and he round. must leave home instantly. Why did they hold him, "'Is she gone?' he eagerly inquired. and prevent his going?-he should lose the money "'Yes-yes,' said I;' she shall not hurt you.' -he must go. No! they would not let him. He hid "'I'll tell you what, Jem,' said the man, in a low his face in his burning hands, and feebly bemoaned voice, she does hurt me. There's something in her his own weakness, and the cruelty of his persecutors. eyes wakes such a dreadful fear in my heart, that it A short pause, and he shouted out a few doggerel drives me mad. All last night, her large staring eyes rhymes-the last he had ever learned. He rose in and pale face were close to mine; wherever I turn- bed, drew up his withered limbs, and rolled about ed, they turned; and whenever I started up from in uncouth positions; he was acting-he was at the my sleep, she was at the bedside looking at me.' He theatre. A minute's silence, and he murmured the drew me closer to him, as he said in a deep, alarmed burden of some roaring song. He had reached the whisper-' Jem, she must be an evil spirit-a devil! old house at last how hot the room was. He had Hush! I know she is. If she had been a woman she been ill, very ill, but hewas well now, and happy. would have died long ago. No woman could have Fill up his glass. Who was that, that dashed it borne what she has.' from his lips? It was the same persecutor that had "I sickened at the thought of the long course of followed him before. He fell back upon his pillow cruelty and neglect which must have occurred to and moaned aloud. A short period of oblivion, and produce such an impression on such a man. I could he was wandering through a tedious maze of lowsay nothing in reply; for who could offer hope, or arched rooms-so low, sometimes, that he must creep consolation, to the abject being before me? upon his hands and knees to make his way along; "I sat there for upward of two hours, during which it was close and dark, and every way he turned, time he tossed about, murmuring exclamations of some obstacle impeded his progress, There were pain or impatience, restlessly throwing his arms here insects too, hideous crawling things with eyes that and there, and turning constantly from side to side. stared upon him, and filled the very air around: At length he fell into that state of partial uncon- glistening horribly amidst the thick darkness of the sciousness, in which the mind wanders uneasily from place. The walls and ceiling were alive with repscene to scene, and from place to place, without the tiles- the vault expanded to an enormous sizecontrol of reason, but still without being'able to di- frightful figures flitted to and fro-and the faces of vest itself of an indescribable sense of present suffer- men he knew, rendered hideous by gibing and mouthing. Finding from his incoherent wanderings that ing, peered out from among them; they were searthis was the case, and knowing that in all probabil- ing him with heated irons, and binding his head with ity the fever would not grow immediately worse, I cords till the blood started; and he struggled madly left him, promising his miserable wife that I would for life. repeat my visit next evening, and, if necessary, sit "At the close of one of these paroxysms, when I up with the patient during the night. had with great difficulty held him down in his bed, "I kept my promise. The last four-and-twenty he sank into what appeared to be a slumber. Overhours had produced a frightful alteration. The eyes, pFwered with watching and exertion, I had closed though deeply sunk and heavy, shone with a lus- my eyes for a few minutes, when I felt a violent tre frightful to behold. The lips were parched, and clutch on my shoulder. I awoke instantly. He had cracked in many places: the dry hard skin glowed raised himself up, so as to seat himself in bed - a with a burning heat, and there was an almost un- dreadful change had come over his face, but conearthly air of wild anxiety in the man's face, indi- sciousness had returned, for he evidently knew me. eating even more strongly the ravages of the dis- The child who had been long since disturbed by his ease. The fever was at its height. ravings, rose from its little bed, and ran toward its 26 THE PICKWICK CLUB. father, screaming with fright -the mother hastily dressing Mr. Pickwick, who was considerably myscaught it in her arms, lest he should injure it in the tified by this very unpolite by-play, " will you allow violence of his insanity; but, terrified by the alter- me to ask you, sir, whether that person belongs to ation of his features, stood transfixed by the bedside. your party?" He grasped my shoulder convulsively, and, striking "No, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick, "he is a guest of his breast with the other hand, made a desperate at- ours." tempt to articulate. It was unavailing-he extend- "He is a member of your club, or I am mistaken?" ed his arm toward them, and made another violent said the Lieutenant, inquiringly. effort. Tilere was a rattling noise in the throat-a "Certainly not," responded Mr. Pickwick. glare of the eye-a short stifled groan-and he fell "And never wears your club-button?" said the back-dead!" _Lieutenant. "No-never!" replied the astonished Mr. Pickwick. It would afford us the highest gratification to be Lieutenant Tappleton turned round to his friend enabled to record Mr. Pickwick's opinion of the fore- Doctor Slammer, with a scarcely perceptible shrug going anecdote. We have little doubt that we should of the shoulder, as if implying some doubt of the achave been enabled to present it to our readers, but curacy of his recollection. The little Doctor lookfor a most unfortunate occurrence. ed wrathful, but confounded; and Mr. Payne gazed Mr. Pickwick had replaced on the table the glass with a ferocious aspect on the beaming countenance which, during the last' few sentences of the tale, he of the unconscious Pickwick. had retained in his hand; and had just made up his " Sir," said the Doctor, suddenly addressing Mr. mind to speak-indeed, we have the authority of Tupman, in a tone which made that gentleman start Mr. Snodgrass's note-book for stating, that he had as perceptibly as if a pin had been cunningly insertactually opened his mouth —when the waiter enter- ed in the calf of his leg, "you were at the ball here ed the room, and said- last night!" "Some gentlemen, sir." Mr. Tupman gasped a faint affirmative, looking It has been conjectured that Mr. Pickwick was on very hard at Mr. Pickwick all the while. the point of delivering some remarks which would " That person was your companion," said the Dochave enlightened the world, if not the Thames, when tor, pointing to the still unmoved stranger. he was thus interrupted: for he gazed sternly on the Mr. Tupman admitted the fact. waiter's countenance, and then looked round on the "Now, sir,"' said the Doctor to the stranger, "I company generally, as if seeking for information rel- ask you once again, in the presence of these gentleative to the new-comers. men, whether you choose to give me your card, and " Oh!" said Mr. Winkle, rising, "some friends of to receive the treatment of a gentleman; or whether mine-show them in. Very pleasant fellows," add- you impose upon me the necessity of personally chased Mr. Winkle, after the waiter had retired-" Of- tising you on the spot?" ficers of the 97th, whose acquaintance I made rather " Stay, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, " I really can not oddly this morning. You will like them very much." allow this matter to go any farther without some exMr. Pickwick's equanimity was at once restored. planation. Tupman, recount the circumstances." The waiter returned, and ushered three gentlemen Mr. Tupman, thus solemnly abjured, stated the into the room. case in a few words; touched slightly on the borrow" Lieutenant Tappleton," said Mr. Winkle, " Lieu- ing of the coat; expatiated largely on its having tenant Tappleton, Mr. Pickwick-Doctor Payne, Mr. been done "after dinner;" wound up with a little Pickwick-Mr. Snodgrass, you have seen before: my penitence on his own account; and left the stranger friend Mr. Tupman, Doctor Payne-Dr. Slammer, Mr. to clear himself as he best could. Pickwick-Mr. Tupman, Doctor Slam-" He was apparently about to proceed to do so, when Here Mr. Winkle suddenly paused; for strong Lieutenant Tappleton, who had been eying him emotion was visible on the countenance both of Mr. with great curiosity, said with considerable scornTupman and the Doctor. " Haven't I seen you at the theatre, sir?" " I have met this gentleman before," said the Doc- "Certainly," replied the unabashed stranger. tor, with marked emphasis. " He is a strolling actor," said the Lieutenant, con" Indeed!" said Mr. Winkle. temptuously; turning to Dr. Slammer-" He acts in "And-and that person, too, if I am not mistaken," the piece that the Officers of the 52d get up at the said the Doctor, bestowing a scrutinizing glance on Rochester Theatre to-morrow night. You can not the green - coated stranger. "I think I gave that proceed inthis affair, Slammer —impossible!" person a very pressing invitation last night, which " Quite!" said the dignified Payne. he thought proper to decline." Saying which the "Sorry to have placed you in this disagreeable Doctor scowled magnanimously on the stranger, and situation," said Lieutenant Tappleton, addressing whispered his friend Lieutenant Tappleton. Mr. Pickwick; " allow me to suggest, that the best "You don't say so," said that gentleman, at the way of avoiding a recurrence of such scenes in fuconclusion of the whisper. ture, will be to be more select in the choice of your " I do, indeed," replied Doctor Slammer. companions. Good-evening, sir!" and the Lieuten"You are bound to kick him on the spot," mur- ant bounced out of the room. mured the owner of the camp-stool with great im- "And allow me to say, sir," said the irascible Docportance. tor Payne, " that if I had been Tappleton, or if I had " Do be quiet, Payne," interposed the Lieutenant. been Slammer, I would have pulled your nose, sir, "Will you allow me to ask you, sir," he said, ad- and the nose of every man in this company. I THE AFFAIR OF HONOR MELTS AWAY. 27 would, sir, every man. Payne is my name, sir-Doc- There was a short pause; the brandy-and-water tor Payne of the 43d. Good-evening, sir." Having had done its work; the amiable countenance of Mr. concluded this speech, and uttered the three last Pickwick was fast recovering its customary expreswords in a loud key, he stalked majestically after his sion. friend, closely followed by Doctor Slammer, who said "They are not worth your notice," said the dismal nothing, but contented himself by withering the man. company with a look. "You are right, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick, "they Rising rage and extreme bewilderment had swell- are not. I am ashamed to have been betrayed into ed the noble breast of Mr. Pickwick, almost to the this warmth of feeling. Draw your chair up to the bursting of his waistcoat, during the delivery of the table, sir." above defiance. He stood transfixed to the spot, The dismal man readily complied: a circle was gazing on vacancy. The closing of the door recalled again formed round the table, and harmony once him to himself. He rushed forward with fury in his more prevailed. Some lingering irritability appearlooks, and fire in his eye. His hand was upon the ed to find a resting-place in Mr. Winkle's bosom, oclock of the door; in another instant it would have casioned possibly by the temporary abstraction of been on the throat of Doctor Payne of the 43d, had his coat-though it is scarcely reasonable to suppose j /I't tji- __ _.~ MR. SNODGRASS SEIZED IIIS REVERED LEADER BY THE COAT TAIL, AND DRAGGED HIM BACKWARD. not Mr. Snodgrass seized his revered leader by the that so slight a circumstance can have excited even coat-tail, and dragged him backward. a passing feeling of anger in a Pickwickian breast. "Restrain him," cried Mr. Snodgrass, "Winkle, With this exception, their good-humor was completeTupman-he must not peril his distinguished life in ly restored; and the evening concluded with the such a cause as this." conviviality with which it had begun. "Let me go," said Mr. Pickwick. "Hold him tight," shouted Mr. Snodgrass; and by the united efforts of the whole company, Mr. Pickwick was forced into an arm-chair. CHAPTER IV. "Leave him alone," said the green-coated stranger -" brandy-and-water-jolly old gentleman-lots of A FIELD-DAY AND BIVOUAC.- MORE NEW FRIENDS. pluck-swallow this-ah!-capital stuff." Having -AN INVITATION TO THE COUNTRY. previously tested the virtues of a bumper, which had 1ANY authors entertain, not only a foolish, but a been mixed by the dismal man, the stranger applied 1V1 really dishonest objection to acknowledge the the glass to Mr. Pickwick's mouth; and the remain- sources from whence they derive much valuable inder of its contents rapidly disappeared. formation. We have no such feeling. We are mere 28 THE PICKWICK CLUB. ly endeavoring to discharge, in an upright manner, and the efforts they were compelled to make, to rethe responsible duties of our editorial functions; tain the position they had gained, sufficiently occuand whatever ambition we might have felt under pied their attention during the two hours that enother circumstances to lay claim to the authorship sued. At one time there was a sudden pressure from of these adventures, a regard for truth forbids us to behind; and then Mr. Pickwick was jerked forward do more than claim the merit of their judicious ar- for several yards, with a degree of speed and elasticrangement and impartial narration. The Pickwick ity highly inconsistent with the general gravity of papers are our New River Head; and we may be his demeanor; at another moment there was a recompared to the New River Company. The labors quest to "keep back" from the front, and then the of others have raised for us an immense reservoir of butt-end of a musket was either dropped upon Mr. important facts. We merely lay them on, and com- Pickwick's toe, to remind him of the demand, or municate them, in a clear and gentle stream, through thrust into his chest, to insure its being complied the medium of these numbers, to a world thirsting with. Then some facetious gentlemen on the left, for Pickwickian knowledge. after pressing sideways in a body, and squeezing Mr. Acting in this spirit, and resolutely proceeding on Snodgrass into the very last extreme of human torour determination to avow our obligations to the au- ture, would request to know "vere he vos a-shovin' thorities we have consulted, we frankly say, that to to;" and when Mr. Winkle had done expressing his the note-book of Mr. Snodgrass are we indebted for excessive indignation at witnessing this unprovoked the particulars recorded in this, and the succeeding assault, some person behind would knock his hat chapter-particulars which, now that we have dis- over his eyes, and beg the favor of his putting his burdened our conscience, we shall proceed to detail head in his pocket. These, and other practical witwithout further comment. ticisms, coupled with the unaccountable absence of The whole population of Rochester and the adjoin- Mr. Tupman (who had suddenly disappeared, and ing towns rose from their beds at an early hour of was nowhere to be found), rendered their situation the following morning, in a state of the utmost bustle upon the whole rather more uncomfortable than and excitement. A grand review was to take place pleasing or desirable. upon the Lines. The manceuvres of half a dozen At length that low roar of many voices ran through regiments were to be inspected by the eagle eye of the crowd, which usually announces the arrival of the commander-in-chief; temporary fortifications whatever they have been waiting for. All eyes had been erected, the citadel was to be attacked and were turned in the direction of the sally-port. A taken, and a mine was to be sprung. few moments of eager expectation, and colors were Mr. Pickwick was, as our readers may have gath- seen fluttering gayly in the air, arms glistened brightered from the slight extract we gave from his de- ly in the sun, column after column poured on to the scription of Chatham, an enthusiastic admirer of the plain. The troops halted and formed; the word of army. Nothing could have been more delightful to command rung through the line, there was a general him-nothing could have harmonized so well with clash of muskets as arms were presented; and the the peculiar feeling of each of his companions-as commander-in-chief, attended by Colonel Bulder and this sight. Accordingly they. were soon afoot, and numerous officers, cantered to the front. The millwalking in the direction of the scene of action, to- tary bands struck up altogether; the horses stood ward which crowds of people were already pouring upon two legs each, cantered backward, and whisked from a variety of quarters. their tails about in all directions; the dogs barked, The appearance of every thing on the Lines de- the mob screamed, the troops recovered, and nothing noted that the approaching ceremony was one of was to be seen on either side, as far as the eye could the utmost grandeur and importance. There were reach, but a long perspective of red coats and white sentries posted to keep the ground for the troops, trowsers, fixed and motionless. and servants on the batteries keeping places for the Mr. Pickwick had been so fully occupied in falling ladies, and sergeants'running to and fro, with vel- about, and disentangling himself, miraculously, from lum-covered books under their arms, and Colonel between the legs of horses, that he had not enjoyed Bulder, in fqll military uniform, on horseback, gal- sufficient leisure to Observe the scene before him, unloping first to one place and then to another, and til it assumed the appearance we have just described. backing his horse among the people, and prancing, When he was at last enabled to stand firmly on his and curveting, and shouting in a most alarming legs, his gratification and delight were unbounded. manner, and making himself very hoarse in the "Can any thing be finer or more delightful?" he voice, and very red in the face, without any assign- inquired of Mr. Winkle. able cause or reason whatever. Officers were run- "Nothing," replied that gentleman, who had had ning backward and forward, first communicating a short man standing on each of his feet for the with Colonel Bulder, and then ordering the ser- quarter of an hour immediately preceding. geants, and then running away altogether; and "It is indeed a noble and a brilliant sight," said even the very privates themselves looked from be- Mr. Snodgrass, in whose bosom a blaze of poetry was hind their glazed stocks with an air of mysterious rapidly bursting forth, " to see the gallant defenders solemnity, which sufficiently bespoke the special na- of their country drawn up in brilliant array before ture of the occasion. its peaceful citizens; their faces beaming-not with Mr. Pickwick and his three companions stationed warlike ferocity, but with civilized gentleness; their themselves in the front rank of the crowd, and pa- eyes flashing-not with the rude fire of rapine or retiently awaited the commencement of the proceed- venge, but with the soft light of humanity and inings. The throng was increasing every moment; telligence." MR. PICKWICK BETWEEN TWO FIRES. 29 Mr. Pickwick fully entered into the spirit of this It was in this trying situation, exposed to a galleulogium, but he could not exactly re-echo its terms; ing fire- of blank cartridges, and harassed by the for the soft light of intelligence burned rather feebly operations of the military, a fresh body of whom in the eyes of the warriors, inasmuch as the com- had begun to fall in on the opposite side, that Mr. mand " eyes front" had been given, and all the spec- Pickwick displayed that perfect coolness and selftator saw before him was several thousand pair of possession, which are the indispensable accompanioptics, staring straight forward, wholly divested of ments of a great mind. He seized Mr. Winkle by any expression whatever. the arm, and placing himself between that gentle"We are in a capital situation now," said Mr. Pick- man and Mr. Snodgrass, earnestly besought them to wick, looking round him. The crowd had gradually remember that beyond the possibility of being rendispersed in their immediate vicinity, and they were dered deaf by the noise, there was no immediate nearly alone. danger to be apprehended from the firing. "Capital!" echoed both Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. " But-but-suppose some of the men should hapWinkle. pen to have ball cartridges by mistake," remonstrated I _ __ __ ___ _ _ __- 1-~ _L -- —'^ ^ I —-_ a, e \_' -..11J, \I > I-I-rather think," said Mr. Winkle, changingthe air just now-so sharp; close to my ear." " Nonsense," said Mr. Pickwick, hastily. hadn't we?" said Mr. Snodgrass. " I-I-really think they are," urged Mr. Snod- " No, no-it's over now," said Mr. Pickwick. His grass, somewhat alarmed. lip might quiver, and his cheek might blanch, but Impossible," replied Mr. Pickwick. He had hard- no expression of fear or concern escaped the lips of ly uttered the word, when the whole half-dozen regi-that immortal man. ments leveled their muskets as if they had but one Mr. Pickwick was right: the firing ceased; but common object, and that object the Pickickians, he had scarcely time to congratulate himself on the and burst forth with the most awfl and tremendous accuracy of his opinion, when a quick movement was discharge that ever shook the earth to its centre, orvisible in e e thl e hoarse shout of the word of an elderly gentleman off his. command ran along it, and before either of the party 30 THE PICKWICK CLUB. could form a guess at the meaning of this new ma- and about to give up the chase, when the hat was nceuvre, the whole of the half-dozen regiments, with blown with some violence against the wheel of a carfixed bayonets, charged at double-quick time down riage, which was drawn up in a line with half a dozupon the very spot on which Mr. Pickwick and his en other vehicles on the spot to which his steps had friends were stationed. been directed. Mr. Pickwick, perceiving his advanMan is but mortal: and there is a point beyond tage, darted briskly forward, secured his property, which human courage can not extend. Mr. Pick- planted it on his head, and paused to take breath. wick gazed through his spectacles for an instant on He had not been stationary half a minute, when he the advancing mass, and then fairly turned his back heard his own name eagerly pronounced by a voice, and -we will not say fled; firstly, because it is an which he at once recognized as Mr. Tupman's, and, ignoble term, and, secondly, because Mr. Pickwick's looking upward, he beheld a sight which filled him figure was by no means adapted for that mode of re- with surprise and pleasure. treat-he trotted away, at as quick a rate as his legs In an open barouche, the horses of which had would convey him; so quickly, indeed, that he did been taken out, the better to accommodate it to the not perceive the awkwardness of his situation, to the crowded place, stood a stout old gentleman, in a blue full extent, until too late. coat and bright buttons, corduroy breeches and topThe opposite troops, whose falling-in had perplex- boots, two young ladies in scarfs and feathers, a ed Mr. Pickwick a few seconds before, were drawn young gentleman apparently enamored of one of the up to repel the mimic attack of the sham besiegers young ladies in scarfs and feathers, a lady of doubtof the citadel; and the consequence was that Mr. ful age, probably the aunt of the aforesaid, and Mr. Pickwick and his two companions found themselves Tupman, as easy and unconcerned as if he had besuddenly inclosed between two lines of great length, longed to the family from the first moments of his the one advancing at a rapid pace, and the other infancy. Fastened up' behind the barouche was a firmly waiting the collision in hostile array. hamper of spacious dimensions-one of those ham" Hoi!" shouted the officers of the advancing line. pers which always awaken in a contemplative mind Get out of the way," cried the officers of the sta- associations connected with cold fowls, tongues, and tionary one. bottles of wine-and on the box sat a fat and red" Where are we to go to?" screamed the agitated faced boy, in a state of somnolency, whom no specPickwickians. ulative observer could have regarded for an instant " Hoi-hoi-hoi!" was the only reply. There was without setting down as the official dispenser of the a moment of intense bewilderment, a heavy tramp contents of the before-mentioned hamper, when the of footsteps, a violent concussion, a smothered laugh; proper time for their consumption should arrive. the half-dozen regiments were half a thousand yards Mr. Pickwick had bestowed a hasty glance on off, and the soles of Mr. Pickwick's boots were eleva-these interesting objects, when he was again greeted ted in air. by his faithful disciple. YIr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle had each perform- "Pickwick-Pickwick," said Mr. Tupman: "come ed a compulsory somerset with remarkable agility, up here. Make haste." when the first object that met the eyes of the latter "Come along, sir. Pray, come up," said the stout as he sat on the ground, staunching with a yellow gentleman. "Joe! -damn that boy, he's gone to silk handkerchief the stream of life which issued sleep again.-Joe, let down the steps." The fat boy from his nose, was his venerated leader at some dis- rolled slowly off the box, let down the stepsq and held tance off, running after his own hat, which was gam- the carriage door invitingly open. Mr. Snodgrass holing playfully away in perspective. and Mr. Winkle came up at the moment. There are very few moments in a man's existence "Room for you all, gentlemen," said the stout when he experiences so much ludicrous distress, or man. "Two inside, and one out. Joe, make room meets with so little charitable commiseration, as for one of these gentlemen on the box. Now, sir, when he is in pursuit of his own hat. A vast deal come along;" and the stout gentleman extended his of coolness, and a peculiar degree of judgment, are arm, and pulled first Mr. Pickwick, and then Mr. requisite in catching a hat. A man must not be pre- Snodgrass, into the barouche by main force. Mr. cipitate, or he runs over it; he must not rush into Winkle mounted to the box, the fat boy waddled to the opposite extreme, or he loses it altogether. The the same perch, and fell fast asleep instantly. best way is, to keep gently up with the object of "Well, gentlemen," said the stout man, "very glad pursuit, to be wary and cautious, to watch your op- to see you. Know you very well, gentlemen, though portunity well, get gradually before it, then make a you mayn't remember me. I spent some ev'nins at rapid dive, seize it by the crown, and stick it firmly your club last winter-picked up my friend Mr. Tupon your head: smiling pleasantly all the time, as if man here this morning, and very glad I was to see you thought it as good a joke as any body else. him. Well, sir, and how are you? You do look unThere was a fine gentle wind, and Mr. Pickwick's common well, to be sure." hat rolled sportively before it. The wind puffed, Mr. Pickwick acknowledged the compliment, and and Mr. Pickwick puffed, and the hat rolled over and cordially shook hands with the stout gentleman in over as merrily as a lively porpoise in a strong tide; the top-boots. and on it might have rolled, far beyond Mr. Pick- "Well, and how are you, sir?" said the stout wick's reach, had not its course been providentially gentleman, addressing Mr. Snodgrass with paternal stopped, just as that gentleman was on the point of anxiety. "Charming, eh? Well, that's right-.that's resigning it to its fate. right. And how are you, sir? (to Mr.Winkle). Well, Mr. Pickwick, we say, was completely exhausted, I am glad to hear you say you are well; very glad I THE FAT BOY WAITS AT DINNER. 31 am to be sure. My daughters, gentlemen-my gals "Plates, Joe, plates." A similar process employthese are; and that's my sister, Miss Rachel Wardle. ed in the distribution of the crockery. She's a Miss, she is; and yet she an't a Miss-eh, sir, "Now, Joe, the fowls. Damn that boy; he's gone eh?" And the stout gentleman playfully inserted to sleep again. Joe! Joe!" (Sundry taps on the his elbow between the ribs of Mr. Pickwick, and head with a stick, and the fat boy, with some diffilaughed very heartily. culty, roused from his lethargy.) "Come, hand in " Lor, brother!" said Miss Wardle, with a depre- the eatables." cating smile. There was something in the sound of the last "True, true," said the stout gentleman; "no one word which roused the unctuous boy. He jumped can deny it. Gentlemen, I beg your pardon; this is up: and the leaden eyes, which twinkled behind his my friend Mr. Trundle. And now you all know each mountainous cheeks, leered horribly upon the food other, let's be comfortable and happy, and see what's as he unpacked it from the basket. going forward; that's what I say." So the stout "Now make haste," said Mr. Wardle; for the fat gentleman put on his spectacles, and Mr. Pickwick boy was hanging fondly over a capon, which he pulled out his glass, and every body stood up in the seemed wholly unable to part with. The boy sighcarriage, and looked over somebody else's shoulder ed deeply, and, bestowing an ardent gaze upon its at the evolutions of the military. plumpness, unwillingly consigned it to his master. Astounding evolutions they were, one rank firing "That's right-look sharp. Now the tongueover the heads of another rank, and then running now the pigeon-pie. Take care of that veal and away; and then the other rank firing over the heads ham-mind the lobsters-take the salad out of the of another rank, and running away in their turn; cloth-give me the dressing." Such were the hurand then forming squares, with officers in the centre; ried orders which issued from the lips of Mr. Wardle, and then descending the trench on one side with as he handed in the different articles described,.and scaling-ladders, and ascending it on the other again placed dishes in every body's hands, and on every by the same means; and knocking down barricades body's knees, in endless number. of baskets, and behaving in the most gallant manner "Now, an't this capital?" inquired that jolly perpossible. Then there was such a ramming down of sonage, when the work of destruction had comthe contents of enormous guns on the battery, with menced. instruments like magnified mops; such a prepara- "Capital!"' said Mr. Winkle, who was carving a tion before they were let off, and such an awful noise fowl on the box. when they did go, that the air- resounded with the "Glass of wine?" screams of ladies. The young Miss Wardles were so "With the greatest pleasure." frightened, that Mr. Trundle was actually obliged to " You'd better have a bottle to yourself, up there, hold one of them up in the carriage, while Mr. Snod- hadn't you?" grass supported the other, and Mr. Wardle's sister "You're very good." suffered under such a dreadful state of nervous "Joe!" alarm, that Mr. Tupman found it indispensably nec- "Yes, sir." (He wasn't asleep this time, having essary to put his arm round her waist, to keep her up just succeeded in abstracting a veal patty.) at all. Every body was excited, except the fat boy, "Bottle of wine to the gentleman on the box. and he slept as soundly as if the roaring of cannon Glad to see you, sir." were his ordinary lullaby. "Thankee." Mr. Winkle emptied his glass, and "Joe, Joe!" said the stout gentleman, when the placed the bottle on the coach-box, by his side. citadel was taken, and the besiegers and besieged "Will you permit me to have the pleasure, sir?" sat down to dinner. "Damn that boy, he's gone to said Mr. Trundle to Mr. Winkle. sleep again. Be good enough to pinch him, sir-in " With great pleasure," replied Mr. Winkle to Mr. the leg, if you please; nothing else wakes him- Trundle: and then the two gentlemen took wine, thank you. Undo the hamper, Joe." after which they took a glass of wine round, ladies The fat boy, who had been effectually roused by and all. the compression of a portion of his leg between the " How dear Emily is flirting with the strange genfinger and thumb of Mr. Winkle, rolled off the box tleman," whispered the spinster aunt, with true spinonce again, and proceeded to unpack the hamper, ster-aunt-like envy, to her brother Mr. Wardle. with more expedition than could have been expect- " Oh! I don't know," said the jolly old gentleman; ed from his previous inactivity. "all very natural, I dare say-nothing unusual. Mr. "Now, we must sit close," said the stout gentle- Pickwick, some wine, sir?" Mr. Pickwick, who had man. After a great many jokes about squeezing the been deeply investigating the interior of the pigeonladies' sleeves, and a vast quantity of blushing at pie, readily assented. sundry jocose proposals, that the ladies should sit in "Emily, my dear," said the spinster aunt, with a the gentlemen's laps, the whole party were stowed patronizing air, "don't talk so loud, love." down in the barouche; and the stout gentleman pro- " Lor, aunt!" ceeded to hand the things from the fat boy (who had "Aunt and the little old gentleman want to have mounted up behind for the purpose) into the car- it all to themselves, I think," whispered Miss Isabelriage. la Wardle to her sister Emily. The young ladies "Now, Joe, knives and forks." The knives and laughed very heartily, and the old one tried to look forks were handed in, and the ladies and gentlemen amiable, but couldn't manage it. inside, and Mr. Winkle on the box, were each fur- "Young girls have such spirits," said Miss Wardle nished with those useful instruments. to Mr. Tupman, with an air of gentle commiseration, 32 THE PICKWICK CLUB. as if animal spirits were contraband, and their pos- silk handkerchief to tie round your dear old headsession without a perniit, a high crime and misde- you really should take care of yourself- consider meanor. your age!" " Oh, they have," replied Mr. Tupman, not exactly However well deserved this piece of retaliation making the sort of reply that was expected from might have been, it was as vindictive a one as could him. "It's quite delightful." well have been resorted to. There is no guessing " Hem!" said Miss Wardle, rather dubiously. in what form of reply the aunt's indignation would "Will you permit me," said Mr. Tupman, in his have vented itself, had not Mr. Wardle unconsciousblandest manner, touching the enchanting Rachael's ly changed the subject, by calling emphatically for wrist with one hand, and gently elevating the bot- Joe. tle with the other. "Will you permit me?" "Damn that boy," said the old gentleman, " he's "Oh, sir!" Mr. Tupman looked most impressive; gone to sleep again." and Rachael expressed her fear that more guns were "Very extraordinary boy, that," said Mr. Pickgoing off, in which case, of course, she would have wick; "does he always sleep in this way?" required support again. "Sleep!" said the old gentleman, "he's always "Do you think my dear nieces pretty t" whispered asleep. Goes on errands fast asleep, and snores as their affectionate aunt to Mr. Tupman. he waits at table." "I should, if their aunt wasn't here," replied the "How very odd!" said Mr. Pickwick. ready Pickwickian, with a passionate glance. "Ah! odd indeed," returned the old gentleman; " Oh, you naughty man-but really, if their com- "I'm proud of that boy-wouldn't part with him on plexions were a little better, don't you think they any account-he's a natural curiosity! Here Joewould be nice-looking girls-by candle-light " " Joe-take these things away, and open another bot".Yes; I think they would;" said Mr. Tupman, tle-d'ye hear?" with an air of indifference. The fat boy rose, opened his eyes, swallowed the " Oh, you quiz-I know what you were going to huge piece of pie he had been in the act of mastisay." eating when he last fell aslee, and slowly obeyed "What?" inquired Mr. Tupman, who had not pre- his master's orders-gloating languidly over the recisely made up his mind to say any thing at all. mains of the feast, as he removed the plates; and'2You were going to say, that Isabel stoops-I deposited them in the hamper. The fresh bottle was know you were-you men are such observers. Well, produced, and speedily emptied: the hamper was so she does; it can't be denied; and, certainly, if made fast in its old place-the fat boy once more there is one thing more than another that makes a mounted the box-the spectacles and pocket-glass girl look ugly, it is stooping. I often tell her, that were.again adjusted-and the evolutions of the miliwhen she gets a little older, she'll be quite frightful. tary recommenced. There was a great fizzing and Well, you are a quiz!" banging of guns, and starting of ladies-and then a Mr. Tupman had no objection to earning the repu- mine was sprung, to the gratification of every body tation at so cheap a rate: so he looked very know — and when the mine had gone off, the military and ing, and smiled mysteriously. the company followed its example, and went off too. " What a sarcastic smile," said the admiring Ra- " Now mind," said the old gentleman, as he shook chael; "I declare I'm quite afraid of you." hands with Mr. Pickwick at the conclusion of a "Afraid of me!" conversation which had been carried on at intervals, "Oh, you can't disguise any thing from me-I during theconclusion of the proceedings -" we shall know what that smile means, very well." see you all to-morrow." "What?" said Mr. Tupman, who had not the slight- " Most certainly," replied Mr. Pickwick. est notion himself. "You have got the address." " You mean," said the amiable aunit, sinking her "Manor Farm, Dingley Dell," said Mr. Piekwick, voice still lower-" you mean, that you don't think consulting his pocket-book. Isabella's stooping is as bad as Emily's boldness. "That's it," said the old gentleman. "I don't let Well, she is bold! You can not think how wretched you off, mind, under a week; and undertake that it makes me sometimes-I'm sure I cry about it for you shall see every thing worth seeing. If you've hours together -my dear brother is 80 good, and so come down for a country life, come to me, and I'll unsuspicious, that he never sees it; if he did, I'm give you plenty of it. Joe-damn that boy, he's quite certain it would break his heart. I wish I gone to sleep again-Joe, help Tom put in the could think it was only manner-I hope it may horses." be-" (here the affectionate relative heaved a deep The horses were put in-the driver mounted-the sigh, and shook her head despondingly). fat boy clambered up by his side-farewells were "I'm sure aunt's talking about us," whispered Miss exchanged -and the carriage rattled off. As the Emily Wardle to her sister-" I'm quite certain of Pickwickians turned round to take a last glimpse of it-she looks so malicious." it, the setting sun cast a rich glow on the faces of "Is she?" replied Isabella-" Hem! aunt, dear!" their entertainers, and fell upon the form of the fat "Yes, my dear love!" boy. His head was sunk upon his bosom: and he "I'm so afraid you'll catch cold, aunt -have a slumbered again. THE ORDER OF TRAVELING IS ARRANGED. 33 CHAPTER V. dismal man's tipping him over, by way of experiment, occurred to him rather forcibly. A SHORT ONE.-SHOWING, AMONG OTHER MATTERS, entoccurred thim rather HOW MR. PICKWICK UNDERTOOK TO DRIVE, AND "I have thought so often," said the dismal man, MR. WINKLE TO RIDE; AND HOW THEY BOTH DID IT. wthot noticing the action. " The calm, cool water seems to me to murmur an RIGHT and pleasant was the sky, balmy the air, invitation to repose and rest. A bound, a splash, a and beautiful the appearance -of every object brief struggle; there is an eddy for an instant, it around, as Mr. Pickwick leaned over the balustrades gradually subsides into a gentle ripple; the waters of Rochester Bridge, contemplating nature, and wait- have closed above your head, and the world has ing for breakfast. The scene was indeed one which closed upon your miseries and misfortunes forever." might well have charmed a far less reflective mind, The sunken eye of the dismal man flashed brightly than that to which it was presented. as he spoke, but the momentary excitement quickly On the left of the spectator lay the ruined wall, subsided; and he turned calmly away, as he saidbroken in many places, and in some overhanging the "There-enough of that. I wish to see you on narrow beach below in rude and heavy masses. Huge another subject. You invited me to read that paknots of sea-weed hung upon the jagged and point- per, the night before last, and listened attentively ed stones, trembling in every breath of wind; and while I did so." the green ivy clung mournfully round the dark and "I did," replied Mr. Pickwick; "and I certainly ruined battlements. Behind it rose the ancient cas- thought-" tle, its towers roofless, and its massive walls crum- "I asked for no opinion," said the dismal man, inbling away, but telling us proudly of its own might terrupting him, " and I want none. You are traveland strength, as when, seven hundred years ago, it ing for amusement and instruction. Suppose I forrang with the clash of arms, or resounded with the warded you a curious manuscript-observe, not cunoise of feasting and revelry. On either side, the rious because wild or improbable, but curious as a banks of the Medway, covered with corn-fields and leaf from the romance of real life. Would you compastures, with here and there a windmill, or a dis- municate it to the club, of which you have spoken taut church, stretched away as far as the eye could so frequently?" see, presenting a rich and varied landscape, rendered "Certainly," replied Mr. Pickwick, "if you wished more beautiful bythe changing shadows which passed it; and it would be entered on their transactions." swiftly across it, as the thin and half-formed clouds "You shall have it," replied the dismal man. skimmed away in the light of the morning sun. The "Your address;" and, Mr. Pickwick having commuriver, reflecting the clear blue of the sky, glistened nicated their probable route, the dismal man carefuland sparkled as it flowed noiselessly on; and the oars ly noted it down in a greasy pocket-book, and resistof the fishermen dipped into the water with a clear ing Mr. Pickwick's pressing invitation to breakfast, and liquid sound, as the heavy but picturesque boats left that gentleman at his inn, and walked slowly glided slowly down the stream. away. Mr. Pickwick was roused from the agreeable Mr. Pickwick found that his three companions reverie into which he had been led by the objects had risen, and were waiting his arrival to commence before him, by a deep sigh, and a touch on his shoul- breakfast, which was ready laid in tempting display. der. He turned round: and the dismal man was at They sat down to the meal; and broiled ham, eggs, his side. tea, coffee, and sundries, began to disappear with a "Contemplating the scene?" inquired the dismal rapidity which at once bore testimony to the excelman. lence of the fare, and the appetites of its consumers. "I was," said Mr. Pickwick. "Now, about Manor Farm," said Mr. Pickwick. "And congratulating yourself on being up so "How shall we go?" soon?" Mr. Pickwick nodded assent. "We had better consult the waiter, perhaps," said " Ah! people need to rise early, to see the sun in Mr. Tupman, and the waiter was summoned accordall his splendor, for his brightness seldom lasts the ingly. day through. The morning of day and the morning "Dingley Dell, gentlemen-fifteen miles, gentleof life are but too much alike." men-cross-road-post-chaise, sir?" "You speak truly, sir," said Mr. Pickwick. "Post-chaise won't hold more than two," said Mr. "How common the saying," continued the dismal Pickwick. man, "' The morning's too fine to last.' How well "True, sir-beg your pardon, sir.-Very nice fourmight it be applied to our every-day existence. God! wheeled chaise, sir-seat for two behind-one in what would I forfeit to have the days of my child- front for the gentleman that drives-oh! beg your hood restored, or to be able to forget them forever!" pardon, sir-that'll only hold three." "You have seen much trouble, sir," said Mr. Pick- "What's to be done?" said Mr. Snodgrass. wick, compassionately. "Perhaps one of the gentlemen would like to ride, " I have," said the dismal man, hurriedly; " I have. sir?" suggested the waiter, looking toward Mr. WinMore than those who see me now would believe kle; "very good saddle-horses, sir-any of Mr. Warpossible." He paused for an instant, and then said, dle's men coming to Rochester bring'em back, sir." abruptly- "The very thing," said Mr. Pickwick. " Winkle, " Did it ever strike you, on such a morning as this, will you go on horseback?" that drowning would be happiness and peace?" Mr. Winkle did entertain considerable misgivings " God bless me, no!" replied Mr. Pickwick, edging in the very lowest recesses of his own heart, relative a little from the balustrade, as the possibility of the to his equestrian skill; but, as he would not have 3 34 THE PICKWICK CLUB. them even suspected on any account, he at once re- experienced in getting up the side of a first-rate plied with great hardihood, "Certainly. I should man-of-war. enjoy it, of all things." "All right?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, with an inMr. Winkle had rushed upon his fate; there was ward presentiment that It was all wrong. no resource. " Let them be at the door by eleven," "All right," replied Mr. Winkle faintly. said Mr. Pickwick. "Let'em go," cried the hostler,-" Hold him in, "Very well, sir," replied the waiter. sir," and away went the chaise, and the saddle-horse, The waiter retired; the breakfast concluded; and with Mr. Pickwick on the box of the one, and Mr. the travelers ascended to their respective bedrooms, Winkle on the back of the other, to the delight and to prepare a change of clothing, to take with them gratification of the whole inn yard. on their approaching expedition. "What makes him go sideways?" said Mr. SnodMr. Pickwick had made his preliminary arrange- grass in the bin, to Mr. Winkle in the saddle. ments, and was looking over the coffee-room blinds " I can't imagine," replied Mr. Winkle. His horse at the passengers in the street, when the waiter en- was drifting up the street in the most mysterious tered, and announced that the chaise was ready-an manner-side first, with his head toward one side of announcement which the vehicle itself confirmed, by the way, and his tail toward the other. forthwith appearing before the coffee-room blinds Mr. Pickwick had no leisure to observe either this aforesaid. or any other particular, the whole of his faculties It was a curious little green box on four wheels, being concentrated in the management of the aniwith a low place like a wine-bin for two behind, and mal attached to the chaise, who displayed various an elevated perch for one in front, drawn by an im- peculiarities, highly interesting to a by-stander, but mense brown horse, displaying great symmetry of by no means equally amusing to any one seated bebone. A hostler stood near, holding by the bridle hind him. Besides constantly jerking his head up, another immense horse-apparently a near relative in a very unpleasant and uncomfortable manner, and of the animal in the chaise-ready saddled for Mr. tugging at the reins to an extent which rendered it Winkle. a matter of great difficulty for Mr. Pickwick to hold " Bless my soul!" said Mr. Pickwick, as they stood them, he had a singular propensity for darting sudupon the pavement while the coats were being put denly every now and then to the side of the road, in. "Bless my soul! who's to drive? I never then stopping short, and then rushing forward for thought of that." some minutes, at a speed which it was wholly impos"Oh! you, of course," said Mr. Tupman. sible to control. " Of course," said Mr. Snodgrass. "What can he mean by this?" said Mr. Snodgrass, I!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. when the horse had executed this manoeuvre for the " Not the slightest fear, sir," interposed the hos- twentieth time. tier. "Warrant him quiet, sir; a hinfant in arms "I don't know," replied Mr. Tupman; "it looks might drive him." very like shying, don't it?" Mr. Snodgrass was about " He don't shy, does he?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. to reply, when he was interrupted by a shout from " Shy, sir?-He wouldn't shy if he was to meet a Mr. Pickwick. vaggin-load of monkeys with their tails burnt off." "Woo!" said that gentleman; "I have dropped The last recommendation was indisputable. Mr. my whip." Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass got into the bin; Mr. "Winkle," said Mr. Snodgrass, as the equestrian Pickwick ascended to his perch, and deposited his came trotting up on the tall horse, with his hat over feet on a floor-clothed shelf, erected beneath it for his eyes, and shaking all over, as if he would shake that purpose. to pieces, with the violence of the exercise, " pick up " Now, shiny Villiam," said the hostler to the dep- the whip, there's a good fellow." Mr. Winkle pulled uty hostler, " give the gen'lm'n the ribbins." " Shiny at the bridle of the tall horse till he was black in Villiam"-so called, probably, from his sleek hair the face; and having at length succeeded in stopand oily countenance-placed the reins in Mr. Pick- ping him, dismounted, handed the whip to Mr. Pickwick's left hand; and- the upper hostler thrust a wick, and grasping the reins, prepared to remount. whip into his right. Now whether the tall horse, in the natural play"Wo-o!" cried Mr. Pickwick, as the tall quad- fulness of his disposition, was desirous of having a ruped evinced a decided inclination to back into the little innocent recreation with Mr. Winkle, or whethcoffee-room window. er it occurred to him that he could perform the jour" Wo-o!" echoed Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass, ney as much to his own satisfaction without a rider from the bin. as with one, are points upon which, of course, we can "Only his playfulness, gen'lm'n," said the head arrive at no definite and distinct conclusion. By hostler encouragingly; "jist kitch hold on him, Vil- whatever motives the animal was actuated, certain liam." The deputy restrained the animal's impetu- it is that Mr. Winkle had no sooner touched the osity, and the principal ran to assist Mr. Winkle in reins, than he slipped them over his head, and darted mounting. backward to their full length. " T'other side, sir, if you please." " Poor fellow," said Mr. Winkle, soothingly-" poor "Blowed if the gen'lm'n worn't a gettin' up on fellow-good old horse." The "poor fellow" was the wrong side!" whispered a grinning post-boy to proof against flattery: the more Mr. Winkle tried to the inexpressibly gratified waiter. get nearer him, the more he sidled away; and, notMr. Winkle, thus instructed, climbed into his sad- withstanding all kinds of coaxing and wheedling, die, with about as much difficulty as he would have there were Mr. Winkle and the horse going round THE ORDER OF TRA VELING IS DISARRANGED. 35 and round each other for ten minutes, at the end of the direction from which they had just come. Mr. which time each was at precisely the same distance Pickwick ran to his assistance, but the faster Mr. from each other as when they first commenced-an Pickwick ran forward, the faster the horse ran backunsatisfactory sort of thing under any circumstances, ward. There was a great scraping of feet, and kickbut particularly so in'a lonely road, where no assist- ing up of the dust; and at last Mr. Winkle, his arms ance can be procured. being nearly pulled out of their sockets, fairly let go "What am I to do?" shouted Mr. Winkle, after his hold. The horse paused, stared, shook his head, the dodging had been prolonged for a considerable turned round, and quietly trotted home to Rochestime. "What am I to do? I can't get on him." ter, leaving Mr. Winkle and Mr. Pickwick gazing on " You had better lead him till we come to a turn- each other with countenances of blank dismay. A pike," replied Mr. Pickwick from the chaise. rattling noise at a little distance attracted their at" But he won't come!" roared Mr. Winkle. "Do tention. They looked up. come, and hold him." "Bless my soul!" exclaimed the agonized Mr. Mr. Pickwick was the very personation of kind- Pickwick, "there's the other horse running away!" "BLESS MY SOUL!" EXOLAIMED THE AGONIZED MR. PIOKWICK, "THERE'S THE OTHER HORSE BUNNING AWAY!" ness and humanity: he threw the reins on the horse's It was but too true. The animal was startled by back, and having descended from his seat, carefully the noise, and the reins were on his back. The redrew the chaise into the hedge, lest any thing should silt may be guessed. He tore off with the fourcome along the road, and stepped back to the assist- wheeled chaise behind him, and Mr. Tupman and ance of his distressed companion, leaving Mr. Tup- Mr. Snodgrass in the four-wheeled chaise. The heat man and Mr. Snodgrass in the vehicle. was a short one. Mr. Tupman threw himself into The horse no sooner beheld Mr. Pickwick advan-the hedge, Mr. Snodgrass followed his example, the cing toward him with the chaise whip in his hand, horse dashed the four-wheeled chaise against a than he exchanged the rotatory motion in which he wooden bridge, separated the wheels from the body, had previously indulged, for a retrograde movement and the bin from the perch; and finally stood stock of so very determined a character, that it at once still to gaze upon the ruin he had made. drew Mr. Winkle, who was still at the end of the The first care of the two unspilled friends was to bridle, at a rather quicker rate than fast walking, in extricate their unfortunate companions from their,.~.~:.- %. S~~~~~~~C~~~~~~~ji,: bridle, at a rather quicker rate than fast walking, in extricate their unfortunate companions from their 36 THE PICKWICK CLUB. bed of quickset-a process which gave them the un- one auricular organ to the other. Saying which, he speakable satisfaction of discovering that they had turned into the house, and banged the door after sustained no injury, beyond sundry rents in their him. garments, and various lacerations from the brambles. "It's like a dream," ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, "a The next thing to be done was, to unharness the hideous dream. The idea of a man's walking about, horse. This complicated process having been effect- all day, with a dreadful horse that he can't get rid ed, the party walked slowly forward, leading the of!" The depressed Pickwickians turned moodily horse among them, and abandoning the chaise to its away, with the tall quadruped, for which they all fate. felt the most unmitigated disgust, following slowly An hour's walking brought the travelers to a lit- at their heels. tle road-side public-house, with two elm-trees, a It was late in the afternoon when the four friends horse-trough, and a sign-post, in front; one or two and their four-footed companion turned into the deformed hay-ricks behind, a kitchen garden at the lane leading to Manor Farm: and even when they side, and rotten sheds and moldering outhouses jum- were so near their place of destination, the pleasure bled in strange confusion all about it. A red-head- they would otherwise have experienced was mateed man was working in the garden; and to him Mr. rially damped as they reflected on the singularity Pickwick called lustily-" Halloo there!" of their appearance, and the absurdity of their sitThe red-headed man raised his body, shaded his uation. Torn clothes, lacerated faces, dusty shoes, eyes with his hand, and stared, long and coolly, at exhausted looks, and, above all, the horse. Oh, how Mr. Pickwick and his companions. Mr. Pickwick cursed that horse! he had eyed the "Halloo there!" repeated Mr. Pickwick. noble animal from time to time with looks express"Halloo!" was the red-headed man's reply. ive of hatred and revenge; more than once he had " How far is it to Dingley Dell?" calculated the probable amount of the expense he "Better er seven mile." would incur by cutting his throat; and now the "Is it a good road?" temptation to destroy him, or to cast him loose upon "No, t'ant." Having uttered this brief reply, and the world, rushed upon his mind with tenfold force. apparently satisfied himself with another scrutiny, He was roused from a meditation on these dire imthe red-headed man resumed his work. aginings, by the sudden appearance of two figures "We want to put this horse up here," said Mr. at a turn of the lane. It was Mr. Wardle, and his Pickwick; " I suppose we can, can't we?" faithful attendant, the fat boy. " Want to put that ere horse up, do ee t" repeated " Why, where hare you been?" said the hospitable the red-headed man, leaning on his spade. old gentleman; "I've been waiting for you all day. "Of course," replied Mr. Pickwick, who had by Well, you do look tired. What! Scratches! Not this time advanced, horse in hand, to the garden hurt, I hope-eh? Well, I am glad to hear that — rails. very. So you've been spilt, eh! Never mind. "Missus!"-roared the man with the red head, Common accident in these parts. Joe-he's asleep emerging from the garden, and looking very hard at again! -Joe, take that horse from the gentleman, the horse-" Missus!" and lead it into the stable." A tall bony woman-straight all the way down- The fat boy sauntered heavily behind them with in a coarse blue pelisse, with the waist an inch or the animal; and the old gentleman, condoling with two below her armpits, responded to the call. his guests in homely phrase on so much of the day's " Can we put this horse up here, my good woman?" adventures as they thought proper to communicate, said Mr. Tupman, advancing, and speaking in his led the way to the kitchen. most seductive tones. The woman looked very hard " We'll have you put to rights here,' said the old at the whole party; and the red-headed man whis- gentleman, " and then I'll introduce you to the peopered something in her ear. ple in the parlor. Emma, bring out the cherry"No," replied the woman, after a little considera- brandy; now, Jane, a needle and thread here; towtion, "I'm afeerd on it." els and water, Mary. Come, girls, bustle about." "Afraid!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick; "what's the Three or four buxom girls speedily dispersed in woman afraid of?" search of the different articles in requisition, while " It got us in trouble last time," said the woman, a couple of large-headed, circular-visaged males rose turning into the house; "I woant have nothin' to from their seats in the chimney-corner (for although say to'un." it was a May evening, their attachment to the wood "Most extraordinary thing I ever met with in my fire appeared as cordial as if it were Christmas), and life," said the astonished Mr. Pickwick. dived into some obscure recesses, from which they "I —I-really believe," whispered Mr. Winkle, as speedily produced a bottle of blacking, and some his friends gathered round him, "that they think half-dozen brushes. we have come by this horse in some dishonest man- "Bustle!" said the old gentleman again, but the ner." admonition was quite unnecessary, for one of the "What!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, in a storm of girls poured out the cherry-brandy, and another indignation. Mr. Winkle modestly repeated his sug- brought in the towels, and one of the men suddenly gestion. seizing Mr. Pickwick by the leg, at imminent haz"Halloo, you fellow!" said the angry Mr. Pick- ard of throwing him off his balance, brushed away wick, " do you think we stole this horse?" at his boot, till his corns were red-hot; while the "I'm sure ye did," replied the red-headed man, other shampoo'd Mr. Winkle with u heavy clotheswith a grin which agitated his countenance from brush, indulging, during the operation, in that hiss AN ALARMING OLD LADY. 37 ing sound which hostlers are wont to produce when olent face-the clergyman of Dingley Dell; and engaged in rubbing down a horse. next him sat his wife, a stout blooming old lady, Mr. Snodgrass, having concluded his ablutions, who looked as if she were well skilled, not only in took a survey of the room, while standing with his the art and mystery of manufacturing home-made back to the fire, sipping his cherry-brandy with cordials greatly to other people's satisfaction, but of heartfelt satisfaction. He describes it as a large tasting them occasionally very much to her own. A apartment, with a red brick floor and a capacious little hard-headed, Ripstone-pippin-faced man, was chimney; the ceiling garnished with hams, sides of conversing with a fat old gentleman in one corner; bacon, and ropes of onions. The walls were deco- and two or three more old gentlemen, and two or rated with several hunting-whips, two or three bri- three more old ladies, sat bolt upright and motiondies, a saddle, and an old rusty blunderbuss, with an less on their chairs, staring very hard at Mr. Pickinscription below it, intimating that it was " Load- wick and his fellow-voyagers. ed"-as it had been, on the same authority, for half "Mr. Pickwick, mother," said Mr. Wardle, at the a century at least. An old eight-day clock, of sol- very top of his voice. emn and sedate demeanor, ticked gravely in one "Ah!" said the old lady, shaking her head; "I corner; and a silver watch, of equal antiquity, dan- can't hear you." gled from one of the many hooks which ornamented "Mr. Pickwick, grandma!" screamed both the the dresser. young ladies together. "Ready?" said the old gentleman inquiringly, "Ah " exclaimed the old lady. "Well; it don't when his guests had been washed, mended, brushed much matter. He don't care for an old'ooman like and brandied. me, I dare say." "t Quite," replied Mr. Pickwick. "I assure you, ma'am," said Mr. Pickwick, grasp" Come along, then," and the party having trav- ing the old lady's hand, and speaking so loud that ersed several dark passages, and being joined by Mr. the exertion imparted a crimson hue to his benevoTupman, who had lingered behind to snatch a kiss lent countenance, I assure you, ma'am, that nothing from Emma, for which he had been duly rewarded delights me more than to see a lady of your time of with sundry pushings and scratchings, arrived at the life heading so fine a family, and looking so young parlor door. and well." " Welcome," said their hospitable host, throwing " Ah!" said the old lady, after a short pause; " it's it open and stepping forward to announce them, all very fine, I dare say; but I can't hear him." "Welcome, gentlemen, to Manor Farm." "Grandma's rather put out now," said Miss Isabella Wardle, in a low tone; " but she'll talk to you + ~ —-<~ —-presently." Mr. Pickwick nodded his readiness to humor the CHAPTER VI. infirmities of age, and entered into a general conversation with the other members of the circle. AN OLD-FASHIONED E CARD-PARTY.-THE C TLERGY- " Delightful situation this," said Mr. Pickwick. MAN'S VERSES.-THE STORY OF THE CONVICT'S "e " ef o RETURN. Delightful!" echoed Messrs. Snodgrass, Tupman, and Winkle. SEVERAL guests who were assembled in the old "Well, I think it is," said Mr. Wardle. parlor rose to greet Mr. Pickwick and his friends "There an't a better spot o' ground in all Kent, upon their entrance; and during the performance of sir," said the hard-headed man with the pippin-face; the ceremony of introduction, with all due formali- "there an't indeed, sir —I'm sure there an't, sir." ties, Mr. Pickwick had leisure to observe the appear- The hard-headed man looked triumphantly round, ance, and speculate upon the characters and pursuits, as if he had been very much contradicted by someof the persons by whom he was surrounded-a habit body, but had got the better of him at last. in Which he in common with many other great men " There an't a better spot o' ground in all Kent," delighted to indulge. said the hard-headed man again, after a pause. A very old lady, in a lofty cap and faded silk gown "'Cept Mullins's Meadows," observed the fat man -no less a personage than Mr. Wardle's mother- solemnly. occupied the post of honor on the right-hand corner "Mullins's Meadows!" ejaculated the other, with of the chimney-piece; and various certificates of her profound contempt. having been brought up in the way she should go "Ah, Mullins's Meadows," repeated the fat man. when young, and of her not having departed from it "Reg'lar good land that," interposed another fat when old, ornamented the walls, in the form of sam- man. piers of ancient date, worsted landscapes of equal "And so it is, sure-ly," said a third fat man. antiquity, and crimson silk tea-kettle holders of a "Every body knows that," said the corpulent host. more modern period. The aunt, the two young la- The hard-headed man looked dubiously round, but dies, and Mr. Wardle, each vying with the other in finding himself in a minority, assumed a compassionpaying zealous and unremitting attentions to the old ate air, and said no more. lady, crowded round her easy-chair, one holding her "What are they talking about?" inquired the old ear-trumpet, another an orange, and a third a smell- lady of one of her granddaughters, in a very audible ing-bottle, while a fourth was busily engaged in pat- voice; for, like many deaf people, she never seemed ting and punching the pillows which were arranged to calculate on the possibility of other persons hearfor her support. On the opposite side sat a bald- ing what she said herself. headed old gentleman, with a good-humored benev- "About the land, grandma." 38 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "What about the land?-Nothing the matter, is "Another double," said the old lady: triumphantthere?" ly making a memorandum of the circumstance, by " No, no. Mr. Miller was saying our land was bet- placing one sixpence and a battered half-penny unter than Mullins's Meadows." der the candlestick. "How should he know any thing about it?" in- "A double, sir," said Mr. Pickwick. quired the old lady indignantly. " Miller's a con- "Quite aware of the fact, sir," replied the fat genceited coxcomb, and you may tell him I said so." tleman, sharply. Saying which, the old lady, quite unconscious that Another game, with a similar result, was followed she had spoken above a whisper, drew herself up, and by a revoke from the unlucky Miller; on which the looked carving-knives at the hard-headed delinquent. fat gentleman burst into a state of high personal ex" Come, come," said the bustling host, with a natu- citement which lasted until the conclusion of the ral anxiety to change the conversation,-" what say game, when he retired into a corner, and remained you to a rubber, Mr. Pickwick?" perfectly mute for one hour and twenty-seven min" I should like it of all things," replied that gen- utes; at the end of which time he emerged from his tleman; "but pray don't make up one on my ac- retirement, and offered Mr. Pickwick a pinch of snuff count." with the air of a man who had made up his mind to Oh, I assure you, mother's very fond of a rub- a Christian forgiveness of injuries sustained. The ber," said Mr. Wardle; " an't you, mother?" old lady's hearing decidedly improved, and the unThe old lady, who was much less deaf on this sub- lucky Miller felt as much out of his element as a dolject than on any other, replied in the affirmative. phin in a sentry-box. "Joe, Joe!" said the old gentleman; " Joe-damn Meanwhile the round game proceeded right merthat-oh, here he is; put out the card-tables." rily. Isabella Wardle and Mr. Trundle " went partThe lethargic youth contrived without any addi- ners," and Emily Wardle and Mr. Snodgrass did the tional rousing to set out two card-tables; the one same; and even Mr. Tupman and the spinster aunt for Pope Joan, and the other for whist. The whist- established a joint-stock company of fish and flatplayers were Mr. Pickwick and the old lady; Mr. tery. Old Mr. Wardle was in the very height of his Miller and the fat gentleman. The round game jollity; and he was so funny in his management of comprised the rest of the company. the board, and the old ladies were 80 sharp after their The rubber was conducted with all that gravity winnings, that the whole table was in a perpetual of deportment and sedateness of demeanor which be- roar of merriment and laughter. There was one old fit the pursuit entitled " whist "-a solemn observ- lady who always had about half a dozen cards to pay ance, to which, as it appears to us, the title of "game" for, at which every body laughed, regularly every has been very irreverently and ignominiously applied. round; and when the old lady looked cross at havThe round-game table, on the other hand, was so bois- ing to pay, they laughed louder than ever; on which terously merry as materially to interrupt the contem- the old lady's face gradually brightened up, till at plations of Mr. Miller, who, not being quite so much last she laughed louder than any of them. Then, absorbed as he ought to have been, contrived to com- when the spinster aunt got " matrimony," the young mit various high crimes and misdemeanors, which ladies laughed afresh, and the spinster aunt seemexcited the wrath of the fat gentleman to a very ed disposed to be pettish; till, feeling Mr. Tupman great extent, and called forth the good-humor of the squeezing her hand under the table, she brightened old lady in a proportionate degree. up too, and looked rather knowing, as if matrimony "There!" said the criminal Miller triumphantly, in reality were not quite so far off as some people as he took up the odd trick at the conclusion of a thought for; whereupon every body laughed again, hand; "that could not have been played better, I and especially old Mr. Wardle, who enjoyed a joke flatter myself;-impossible to have made another as much as the youngest. As to Mr. Snodgrass, he trick!" did nothing but whisper poetical sentiments into his " Miller ought to have trumped the diamond, partner's ear, which made one old gentleman faceoughtn't he, sir?" said the old lady. tiously sly, about partnerships at cards and partnerMr. Pickwick nodded assent. ships for life, and caused the aforesaid old gentleman "Ought I, though?" said the unfortunate, with a to make some remarks thereupon, accompanied with doubtful appeal to his partner. divers winks and chuckles, which made the company " You ought, sir," said the fat gentleman, in an aw- very merry and the old gentleman's wife especially so. ful voice. And Mr. Winkle came out with jokes which are very "Very sorry," said the crest-fallen Miller. well known in town, but are not at all known in the "Much use that," growled the fat gentleman. country: and as every body laughed at them very "Two by honors makes us eight," said Mr. Pick- heartily, and said they were very capital, Mr. Winwick. kle was in a state of great honor and glory. And Another hand. " Can you one?" inquired the old the benevolent clergyman looked pleasantly on; for lady. the happy faces which surrounded the table made " I can," replied Mr. Pickwick. " Double, single, the good old man feel happy too; and though the and the-rub." merriment was rather boisterous, still it came from "Never was such luck," said Mr. Miller. the heart and not from the lips: and this is the " Never was such cards," said the fat gentleman. right sort of merriment, after all. A solemn silence: Mr. Pickwick humorous, the old The evening glided swiftly away, in these cheerlady serious, the fat gentleman captious, and Mr. ful recreations; and when the substantial though Miller timorous. homely supper had been dispatched, and the little SOME INDIFFERENT VERSES ARE RECITED. 39 party formed a social circle round the fire, Mr. Pick- Whole ages have fled and their works decayed, wick thought he had never felt so happy in his life, And nations have scattered been; and at no time so much disposed to enjoy, and make Bt the stot old Ivyhall never fade, From its hale and hearty green. the most of, the passing moment. The brave old plant in its lonely days, "Now this," said the hospitable host, who was sit- Shall fatten upon the past; ting in great state next the old lady's arm-chair, For the stateliest building man can raise, with her hand fast clasped in his-" this is just Is the Ivy's food at last. what I like-the happiest moments of my life have Creeping on, where time has been, A rare old plant is the Ivy green. been passed at this old fireside; and I am so attached to it, that I keep upea blazing fire here every even- While the old gentleman repeated these lines a ing, until it actually grows too hot to bear it. second time, to enable Mr. Snodgrass to note them Why, my poor old mother, here, used to sit before down, Mr. Pickwick perused the lineaments of his this fire-place upon that little stool when she was a face with an expression of great interest. The old girl; didn't you, mother?" gentleman having concluded his dictation, and Mr. The tear which starts unbidden to the eye when Snodgrass having returned his note-book to his the recollection of old times and the happiness of so pocket, Mr. Pickwick said: many years ago is suddenly recalled, stole down the "Excuse me, sir, for making the remark on so old lady's face as she shook her head with a melan- short an acquaintance; but a gentleman like yourcholy smile. self can not fail, I should think, to have observed "You must excuse my talking about this old many scenes and incidents worth recording, in the place, Mr. Pickwick," resumed the host, after a short course of your experience as a minister of the Gospause, " for I love it dearly, and know no other-the pel." old houses and fields seem like living friends to me; "I have witnessed some certainly," replied the old and so does our little church with the ivy-about gentleman; "but the incidents and characters have which, by-the-bye, our excellent friend there made a been of a homely and ordinary nature, my sphere of song when he first came among us. Mr. Snodgrass, action being so very limited." have you any thing in your glass?" "You did make some notes, I think, about John "Plenty, thank you," replied that gentleman, Edmunds, did you not?" inquired Mr. Wardle, who whose poetic curiosity had been greatly excited by appeared very desirous to draw his friend out, for the last observations of his entertainer. "I beg the edification of his new visitors. your pardon, but you were talking about the song The old gentleman slightly nodded his head in of the Ivy." token of assent, and was proceeding to change the " You must ask our friend opposite about that," subject, when Mr. Pickwick saidsaid the host, knowingly; indicating the clergyman "I beg your pardon, sir; but pray, if I may venby a nod of his head. ture to inquire, who was John Edmunds?" " May I say that I should like to hear you repeat "The very thing I was about to ask," said Mr. it, sir?" said Mr. Snodgrass. Snodgrass, eagerly. " Why really," replied the clergyman, "it's a very "You are fairly in for it," said the jolly host. slight affair; and the only excuse I have for having "You must satisfy the curiosity of these gentlemen, ever perpetrated it is, that I was a young man at sooner or later; so you had better take advantage the time. Such as it is, however, you shall hear it of this favorable opportunity, and do so at once." if you wish." The old gentleman smiled good-humoredly as he A murmur of curiosity was of course the reply; drew his chair forward; the remainder of the party and the old gentleman proceeded to recite, with the drew their chairs closer together, especially Mr. Tupaid of sundry promptings from his wife, the lines in man and the spinster aunt, who were possibly rather question. " I call them," said he, hard of hearing; and the old lady's ear-trumpet having been duly adjusted, and Mr. Miller (who had THE IVY GREEN. fallen asleep during the recital of the verses) roused Oh, a dainty plant is the Ivy green, from his slumbers by an admonitory pinch, adminisThat creepeth o'er ruins old! tered beneath the table by his ex-partner the solemn Of right choice food are his meals I ween,fat man, the old gentleman, without further preface, In his cell so lone and cold. commenced the following tale, to which we have The wall must be crumbled, the stone decayed, taken the liberty of prefixing the title of To pleasure his dainty whim: And the moldering dust that years have made, THE CONVICT'S RETURN. Is a merry meal for him. Creeping where no life is seen, " When I first settled in this village," said the A rare old plant is the Ivy green. old gentleman, "which is now just five-and-twenty Fast he stealeth on, though he wears no wing, years ago, the most notorious person among my paAnd a staunch old heart has he. rishioners was a man of the name of Edmunds, who How closely he twineth, how tight he clings, leased a small farm near this spot. He was a moTo his friend the huge Oak Tree I rose, savage-hearted, bad man: idle and dissolute in And slyly he traileth along the ground, his habits; cruel and ferocious in his disposition. And his leaves he gently waves, Beyond the few lay and reckless vagabonds with As he joyously hugs and crawleth round As he joyously hugs and crawleth round the few lazy and reckless vagabonds with The rich mold of dead men's graves.whom he sauntered away his time in the fields, or Creeping where grim death has been, sotted in the ale-house, he had not a single friend or A rare old plant isthe Ivy green. acquaintance; no one cared to speak to the man 40 THE PICKWICK CLUB. whom many feared, and every one detested-and they were wont to be of old, but she shunned their Edmunds was shunned by all. greetings with averted head. There was no linger"This man had a wife and one son, who, when I ing among the old elm-trees now-no cheering anfirst came here, was about twelve years old. Of the ticipations of happiness yet in store. The desolate acuteness of that woman's sufferings, of the gentle woman drew her bonnet closer over her face, and and enduring manner in which she bore them, of the walked hurriedly away. agony of solicitude with which she reared that boy, "Shall I tell you that the young man, who, lookno one can form an adequate conception. Heaven ing back to the earliest of his childhood's days to forgive me the supposition, if it be an uncharitable which memory and consciousness extended, and carone, but I do firmly and in my soul believe, that the rying his recollection down to that moment, could man systematically tried for many years to break her remember nothing which was not in some way conheart; but she bore it all for her child's sake, and, nected with a long series of voluntary privations sufhowever strange it may seem to many, for his fa- fered by his mother for his sake, with ill-usage, and ther's too; for brute as he was and cruelly as he had insult, and violence, and all endured for him;-shall treated her, she had loved him once; and the recol- I tell you, that he, with a reckless disregard of her lection of what he had been to her, awakened feel- breaking heart, and a sullen willful forgetfulness of ings of forbearance and meekness under suffering in all she had done and borne for him, had linked himher bosom, to which all God's creatures, but women, self with depraved and abandoned men, and was are strangers. madly pursuing a headlong career, which must bring "They were poor-they could not be otherwise death to him, and shame to her? Alas for human when the man pursued such courses; but the wom- nature! You have anticipated it long since. an's unceasing and unwearied exertions, early and "The measure of the unhappy woman's misery late, morning, noon, and night, kept them above act- and misfortune was about to be completed. Numerual want. Those exertions were but ill repaid. ous offenses had been committed in the neighborPeople who passed the spot in the evening-some- hood; the perpetrators remained undiscovered, and times at a late hour of the night-reported that their boldness increased. A robbery of a daring and they had heard the moans and sobs of a woman in aggravated nature occasioned a vigilance of pursuit, distress, and the sound of blows: and more than once, and a strictness of search, they had not calculated when it was past midnight, the boy knocked softly on. Young Edmunds was suspected with three at the' door of a neighbor's house, whither he had companions. He was apprehended-committedbeen sent, to escape the drunken fury of his unnat- tried-condemned-to die. ural father. "The wild and piercing shriek from a woman's "During the whole of this time, and when the voice, which resounded through the court when the poor creature often bore about her marks of ill-usage solemn sentence was pronounced, rings in my ears at and violence which she could not wholly conceal, this moment. That cry struck a terror to the cul-he was a constant attendant at our little church. prit's heart, which trial, condemnation-the apRegularly every Sunday, morning and afternoon, she proach of death itself, had failed to awaken. The occupied the same seat with the boy at her side; lips which had been compressed in dogged sullenand though they were both poorly dressed-much ness throughout, quivered and parted involuntarily; more so than many of their neighbors who were in the face turned ashy pale as the cold perspiration a lower station-they were always neat and clean. broke forth from every pore; the sturdy limbs of the Every one had a friendly nod and a kind word for felon trembled, and he staggered in the dock.'poor Mrs. Edmunds;' and sometimes, when she "In the first transports of her mental anguish, the stopped to exchange a few words with a neighbor at suffering mother threw herself upon her knees at my the conclusion of the service in the little row of elm- feet, and fervently besought the Almighty Being trees which leads to the church porch, or lingered who had hitherto supported her in all her troubles, behind to gaze with a mother's pride and fondness to release her from a world of woe and misery, and upon her healthy boy, as he sported before her with to spare the life of her only child. A burst of grief, some little companions, her care-worn face would and a violent struggle, such as I hope I may never lighten up with an expression of heartfelt gratitude; have to witness again, succeeded. I knew that her and she would look, if not cheerful and happy, at heart was breaking from that hour; but I never least tranquil and contented. once heard complaint or murmur escape her lips. " Five or six years passed away; the boy had be- "It was a piteous spectacle to see that woman in come a robust and well-grown youth. The time that the prison-yard from day to day, eagerly and ferventhad strengthened the child's slight frame and knit his ly attempting, by affection and entreaty, to soften weak limbs into the strength of manhood had bowed the hard heart of her obdurate son. It was in vain. his mother's form, and enfeebled her steps; but the He remained moody, obstinate, and unmoved. Not arm that should have supported her was no longer even the unlooked-for commutation of his sentence locked in hers; the face that should have cheered to transportation for fourteen years, softened for an her, no more looked upon her own. She occupied instant the sullen hardihood of his demeanor. her old seat, but there was a vacant one beside her. "But the spirit of resignation and endurance that The Bible was kept as carefully as ever, the places had so long upheld her, was unable to contend were found and folded down as they used to be: but against bodily weakness and infirmity. She fell sick. there was no one to read it with her; and the tears She dragged her tottering limbs from the bed to visit fell thick and fast upon the book, and blotted the her son once more, but her strength failed her, and words from her eyes. Neighbors were as kind as she sunk powerless on the ground. A SOFTENED HEART. 41 "And now the boasted coldness and indifference old elms, through whose branches the declining sun of the young man were tested indeed; and the retri- cast here and there a rich ray of light upon the bution that fell heavily upon him, nearly drove him shady path, awakened the associations of his earlimad. A day passed away and his mother was not est days. He pictured himself as he was then, clingthere; another flew by, and she came not near him; ing to his mother's hand, and walking peacefully to a third evening arrived, and yet he had not seen her; church. He remembered how he used to look up and in four-and-twenty hours he was to be separated into her pale face; and how her eyes would somefrom her-perhaps forever. Oh! how the long-for- times fill with tears as she gazed upon his features gotten thoughts of former days rushed upon his -tears which fell hot upon his forehead as she mind, as he almost ran up and down the narrow yard stooped to kiss him, and made him weep too, al-as if intelligence would arrive the sooner for his though he little knew then what bitter tears hers hurrying-and how bitterly a sense of his helpless- were. He thought how often he had run merrily ness and desolation rushed upon him, when he heard down that path with some childish playfellow, lookthe truth! His mother, the only parent he had ever ing back, ever and again, to catch his mother's smile, known, lay ill-it might be dying-within one mile or hear her gentle voice; and then a veil seemed of the ground he stood on; were he free and unfet- lifted from his memory, and words of kindness untered, a few minutes would place him by her side. requited, and warnings despised, and promises broHe rushed to the gate, and grasping the iron rails ken, thronged upon his recollection till his heart with the energy of desperation, shook it till it rang failed him, and he could bear it no longer. again, and threw himself against the thick wall as if "He entered the church. The evening service to force a passage through the stone; but the strong was concluded and the congregation had dispersed, building mocked his feeble efforts, and he beat his but it was not yet closed. His steps echoed through hands together and wept like a child. the low building with a hollow sound, and he al"I bore the mother's forgiveness and blessing to most feared to be alone, it was so still and quiet. her son in prison; and I carried his solemn assurance He looked round him. Nothing was changed. The of repentance, and his fervent supplication for par- place seemed smaller than it used to be, but there don, to her sick-bed. I heard, with pity and com- were the old monuments on which he had gazed passion, the repentant man devise a thousand little with childish awe a thousand times; the little pulplans for her comfort and support when he returned; pit with its faded cushion; the Communion-table but I knew that many months before he could reach before which he had so, often repeated the Comhis place of destination, his mother would be no mandments he had reverenced as a child, and forlonger of this world. gotten as a man. He approached the old seat; it "He was removed by night. A few weeks after- looked cold and desolate. The cushion had been reward the poor woman's soul took its flight, I confi- moved, and the Bible was not there. Perhaps his dently hope, and solemnly believe, to a place of eter- mother now occupied a poorer seat, or possibly she nalhappiness and rest. I performed the burial serv- had grown infirm and could not reach the church ice over her remains. She lies in our little church- alone. He dared not think of what he feared. A yard. There is no stone at her grave's head. Her cold feeling crept over him, and he trembled violentsorrows were known to man; her virtues to God. ly as he turned away. " It had been arranged previously to the convict's " An old man entered the porch just as he reached departure, that he should write to his mother as soon it. Edmunds started back, for he knew him well; as he could obtain permission, and that the letter many a time he had watched him digging graves in should be addressed to me. The father had posi- the church-yard. What would he say to the returntively refused to see his son from the moment of his ed convict? apprehension; and it was a matter of indifference to "The old man raised his eyes to the stranger's him whether he lived or died. Many years passed face, bid him'good-evening,' and walked slowly on. over without any intelligence of him; and when He had forgotten him. more than half his term of transportation had ex- "He walked down the hill, and through the vilpired, and I had received no letter, I concluded him lage. The weather was warm, and the people were to be dead, as indeed, I almost hoped he might be. sitting at their doors, or strolling in their little gar" Edmunds, however, had been sent a considerable dens as he passed, enjoying the serenity of the evendistance up the country on his arrival at the settle- ing, and their rest from labor. Many a look was ment; and to this circumstance, perhaps, may be at- turned toward him, and many a doubtful glance he tributed the fact, that though several letters were cast on either side to see whether any knew and dispatched, none of them ever reached my hands. shunned him. There were strange faces in almost He remained in the same place during the whole every house; in some he recognized the burly form fourteen years. At the expiration of the term, of some old school-fellow-a boy when he last saw steadily adhering to his old resolution and the him-surrounded by a troop of merry children; in pledge he gave his mother, he made his way back to others he saw, seated in an easy-chair at a cottage England amidst innumerable difficulties, and return- door, a feeble and infirm old man, whom he only reed, on foot, to his native place. membered as a hale and hearty laborer; but they "On a fine Sunday evening, in the month of Au- had all forgotten him, and he passed on unknown. gust, John Edmunds set foot in the village he had "The last soft light of the setting sun had fallen left with shame and disgrace seventeen years before. on the earth, casting a rich glow on the yellow corn His nearest way lay through the church-yard. The sheaves, and lengthening the shadows of the orchard man's heart swelled as he crossed the stile. The tall trees, as he stood before the old house-the home of 42 THE PICKWICK CLUB. his infancy-to which his heart had yearned with and tottered to his feet. Edmunds sprang to his. an intensity of affection not to be described, through He stepped back a pace or two. Edmunds adlong and weary years of captivity and sorrow. The vanced. paling was low, though he well remembered the "' Let me hear you speak,' said the convict, in a time when it had seemed a high wall to him; and thick broken voice. he looked over into the old garden. There were "'Stand off!' cried the old man, with a dreadful more seeds and gayer flowers than there used to be, oath. The convict drew closer to him. but there were the old trees still-the very tree, un- "' Stand off!' shrieked the old man. Furious with der which he had lain a thousand times when tired terror, he raised his stick and struck Edmunds a of playing in the sun, and felt the soft mild sleep of heavy blow across the face. happy boyhood steal gently upon him. There were "' Father-devil!' murmured the convict, between voices within the house. He listened, but they fell his set teeth. He rushed wildly forward, and clenchstrangely upon his ear; he knew them not. They ed the old man by the throat-but he was his father; were merry too; and he well knew that his poor old and his arm fell powerless by his side. mother could not be cheerful, and he away. The "The old man uttered a loud yell which rang door opened, and a group of little children bounded through the lonely fields like the howl of an evil out, shouting and romping. The father, with a lit- spirit. His face turned black: the gore rushed from tie boy in his arms, appeared at the door, and they his mouth and n9se, and dyed the grass a deep dark crowded round him, clapping their tiny hands, and red, as he staggered and fell. He had ruptured a dragging him out, to join their joyous sports. The blood-vessel: and he was a dead man before his son convict thought on the many times he had shrunk could raise him. from his father's sight in that very place. He re- * * * membered how often he had buried his trembling "In that corner of the church-yard," said the old head beneath the bed-clothes, and heard the harsh gentleman, after a silence of a few moments, "in word, and the hard stripe, and his mother's wailing; that corner of the church-yard of which I have beand though the man sobbed aloud with agony of fore spoken, there lies buried a man who was in my mind as he left the spot, his fist was clenched, and employment for three years after this event: and his teeth were set, in fierce and deadly passion. who was truly contrite, penitent, and humble, if ever " And such was the return to which he had looked man was. No one save myself knew in that man's through the weary perspective of many years, and lifetime who he was, or whence he came:-it was for which he had undergone so much suffering! No John Edmunds, the returned convict." face of welcome, no look of forgiveness, no house to receive, no hand to help him-and this too in the — old village. What was his loneliness in the wild thick woods, where man was never seen, to this! CHAPTER VII. "He felt that, in the distant land of his bondage and infamy, he had thought of his native place as it HO MR. WINKLE, INSTEAD OF SHOOTING AT THE was when he left it; not as it would be when he re- PIGEON AND KILLING THE CROW, SHOT AT THE turned. The sad reality struck coldly at his heart, AND OUNDED THE PIGEON; HOW THE turned*~....MDINGLEY DELL CRICKET CLUB PLAYED ALL-MUGand his spirit sank within him. He had not cour-LULED ALL age to make inquiries, or to present himself to the GLETON, AND HOW ALL-MUGGETON DINED AT THE only person who was likely to receive him with ING EXPENSE: WITH OTHER INTERESTkindness and compassion. He walked slowly on; ING AND INTRUCTIVE MATTERS. and shunning the road-side like a guilty man, turn- THE fatiguing adventures of the day or the somed into a meadow he well remembered; and cover- niferous influence of the clergyman's tale oping his face with his hands, threw himself upon the erated so strongly on the drowsy tendencies of Mr. grass. Pickwick, that in less than five minutes after he had " He had not observed that a man was lying on been shown to his comfortable bedroom, he fell into the bank beside him; his garments rustled as he a sound and dreamless sleep, from which he was only turned round to steal a look at the new-comer; and awakened by the morning sun darting his bright Edmunds raised his head. beams reproachfully into the apartment. Mr. Pick" The man had moved into a sitting posture. His wick was no sluggard; and he sprung like an ardent body was much bent, and his face was wrinkled and warrior from his tent-bedstead. yellow. His dress denoted him an inmate of the "Pleasant, pleasant country," sighed the enthuwork-house; he had the appearance of being very siastic gentleman, as he opened his lattice-window. old, but it looked more the effect of dissipation or "Who could live to gaze from day to day on bricks disease, than length of years. He was staring hard and slates, who had once felt the influence of a scene at the stranger, and though his eyes were lustreless like this? Who could continue to exist, where there and heavy at first, they appeared to glow with an are no cows but the cows on the chimney-pots; nothunnatural and alarmed expression after they had ing redolent of Pan but pan-tiles; no crop but stonebeen fixed upon him for a short time, until they crop? Who could bear to drag out a life in such a seemed to be starting from their sockets. Edmunds spot Who I ask could endure it?" and, having gradually raised himself to his knees, and looked cross-examinedsolitude after the most approvedprecmore and more earnestly upon the old man's face. edents, at considerable length, Mr. Pickwick thrust They gazed upon each other in silence. his head out of the lattice, and looked around him. "The old man was ghastly pale. He shuddered The rich, sweet smell of the hay-ricks rose to his A WELL-INTENDED SHOT. 43 chamber window; the hundred perfumes of the lit- may be supposed to assume. It might have been tie flower-garden beneath scented the air around; keenness, but it looked remarkably like misery. the deep-green meadows shone in the morning dew The old gentleman nodded; and two ragged boys that glistened on every leaf as it trembled in the who had been marshaled to the spot under the digentle air; and the birds sang as if every sparkling rection of the infant Lambert, forthwith commenced drop were a fountain of inspiration to them. Mr. climbing up two of the trees. Pickwick fell into an enchanting and delicious rev- " What are those lads for?" inquired Mr. Pickwick erie. abruptly. He was rather alarmed; for he was not " Halloo!" was the sound that roused him. quite certain but that the distress of the agricultural He looked to the right, but he saw nobody; his interest, about which he had often heard a great deal, eyes wandered to the left, and pierced the prospect; might have compelled the small boys attached to he stared into the sky, but he wasn't wanted there; the soil to earn a precarious and hazardous subsistand then he did what a common' mind would have ence by making marks of themselves for inexperidone at once-looked into the garden, and there enced sportsmen. saw Mr. Wardle. "Only to start the game," replied Mr. Wardle, "How are you?" said that good-humored individ- laughing. ual, out of breath with his own anticipations of pleas- "To what?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. ure. " Beautiful morning, an't it? Glad to see you "Why, in plain English to frighten the rooks." up so early. Make haste down, and come out. I'll "Oh! is that all?" wait for you here." "You are satisfied?" Mr. Pickwick needed no second invitation. Ten "Quite." minutes sufficed for the completion of his toilet, and "Very well. Shall I begin?" at the expiration of that time he was by the old gen- "If you please," said Mr. Winkle, glad of any restieman's side. pite. " Halloo!" said Mr. Pickwick in his turn: seeing "Stand aside, then. Now for it." that his companion was armed with a gun, and that The boy shouted, and shook a branch with a nest another lay ready on the grass. " What's going for- on it., Half a dozen young rooks in violent converward?" sation, flew out to ask what the matter was. The "Why, your friend and I," replied the host, "are old gentleman fired by way of reply. Down fell one going out rook-shooting before breakfast. "He's a bird, and off flew the others. very good shot, an't he?" "Take him up, Joe," said the old gentleman. "I've heard him say he's a capital one," replied There was a smile upon the youth's face as he Mr. Pickwick; "but I never saw him aim at any advanced. Indistinct visions of rook-pie floated thing." through his imagination. He laughed as he retired "Well," said the host, " I wish he'd come. Joe- with the bird-it was a plump one. Joe!" "Now, Mr. Winkle," said the host, reloading his The fat boy, who under the exciting influence of own gun. "Fire away." the morning did not appear to be more than three Mr. Winkle advanced, and leveled the gun. Mr. parts and a fraction asleep, emerged from the house. Pickwick and his friends cowered involuntarily to " Go up, and call the gentleman, and tell him he'll esoape damage from the heavy fall of rooks, which find me and Mr. Pickwick in the rookery. Show the they felt quite certain would be occasioned by the gentleman the way there; d'ye hear?" devastating barrel of their friend. There was a solThe boy departed to execute his commission; and emn pause-a shout-a flapping of wings- a faint the host, carrying both guns like a second Robinson click. Crusoe, led the way from the garden. "Halloo!" said the old gentleman. " This is the place," said the old gentleman, pans- "Won't it go?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. ing, after a few minutes' walking, in an avenue of " Missed fire," said Mr. Winkle, who was very pale: trees. The information was unnecessary; for the probably from disappointment. incessant cawing of the unconscious rooks sufficient- "Odd," said the old gentleman, taking his gun. ly indicated their whereabout. "Never knew one of them miss fire before. Why, I The old gentleman laid one gun on the ground, don't see any thing of the cap." and loaded tne other. "Bless my soul," said Mr. Winkle. "I declare I "Here they are," said Mr. Pickwick; and as he forgot the cap!" spoke, the forms of Mr. Tupnlan, Mr. Snodgrass, and The slight omission was rectified. Mr. Pickwick Mr. Winkle, appeared in the distance. The fat boy, crouched again. Mr. Winkle stepped forward with not being quite certain which gentleman he was di- an air of determination and resolution; and Mr. rected to call, had with peculiar sagacity, and to pre- Tupman looked out from behind a tree. The boy vent the possibility of any mistake, called them all. shouted; four birds flew out. Mr. Winkle fired. "Come along," shouted the old gentleman, ad- There was a scream as of an individual-not a rook dressing Mr. Winkle; "a keen hand like you ought -in corporeal anguish. Mr. Tupman had saved the to have been up long ago, even to such poor work lives of innumerable unoffending birds by receiving as this." a portion of the charge in his left arm. Mr. Winkle responded with a forced smile, and To describe the confusion that ensued would be took up the spare gun with an expression of coun- impossible. To tell how Mr. Pickwick in the first tenance which a metaphysical rook, impressed with transports of his emotion called Mr. Winkle "wretch!" a foreboding of his approaching death by violence, how Mr. Tupman lay prostrate on the ground; and 44 THE PICKWICK CLUB. how Mr. Winkle knelt horror-stricken beside him; "What's the matter?" screamed the ladies. how Mr. Tupman called distractedly upon some fem- "Mr. Tupman has met with a little accident; that's inine Christian name, and then opened first one eye, all." and then the other, and then fell back and shut them The spinster aunt uttered a piercing scream, burst both;-all this would be as difficult to describe in into an hysteric laugh, and fell backward in the detail, as it would be to depict the gradual recover- arms of her nieces. ing of the unfortunate individual, the binding up of "Throw some cold water over her," said the old his arm with pocket-handkerchiefs, and the convey- gentleman. ing him back by slow degrees supported by the arms "No, no," murmured the spinster aunt; " I am betof his anxious friends. ter now. Bella, Emily —a surgeon! Is he woundThey drew near the house. The ladies were at ed?-Is he dead?-Is he-ha, ha, ha!" Here the the garden-gate, waiting for their arrival and their spinster aunt burst into fit number two, of hysteric breakfast. The spinster aunt appeared; she smiled, laughter interspersed with screams. and beckoned them to walk quicker.'Twas evident "Calm yourself," said Mr. Tupman, affected alA' TO DESCRIBE THE CONFUSION THAT ENSUED WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE. she knew not of the disaster. Poor thing! there are most to tears by this expression of sympathy with times when ignorance is bliss indeed. his sufferings. " Dear, dear madam, calm yourself." They approached nearer. "It is his voice!" exclaimed the spinster aunt; " Why, what is the matter with the little old gen- and strong symptoms of fit number three developed tleman?" said Isabella Wardle. The spinster aunt themselves forthwith. heeded not the remark; she thought it applied to Mr. "Do not agitate yourself, I entreat you, dearest Pickwick. In her eyes Tracy Tupman was a youth; madam," said Mr. Tupman soothingly. " I am very she viewed his years through a diminishing glass. little hurt, I assure you." "Don't be frightened," called out the old host, "Then you are not dead!" ejaculated th6 hysterfearful of alarming his daughters. The little party ical lady. " Oh, say you are not dead!" had crowded so completely round Mr. Tupman, that "Don't be a fool, Rachael," interposed Mr. Wardle, they could not yet clearly discern the nature of the rather more roughly than was quite consistent with accident. the poetic nature of the scene. "What the devil's " Don't be frightened," said the host. the use of his saying he isn't dead?" THE ILLUSTRIOUS TOWN OF MUGGLETON. 45 " No, no, I am not," said Mr. Tupman. "I require long, lay through shady lanes, and sequestered footno assistance but yours. Let me lean on your arm." paths, and as their conversation turned upon the deHe added, in a whisper, "Oh, Miss Rachael!" The lightful scenery by which they were on every side agitated female advanced, and offered her arm. They surrounded, Mr. Pickwick was almost inclined to returned into the breakfast parlor. Mr. Tracy Tup- gret the expedition they had used, when he found man gently pressed her hand to his lips, and sank himself in the main street of the town of Muggleton. upon the sofa. Every body whose genius has a topographical "Are you faint?" inquired the anxious Rachael. bent knows perfectly well that Muggleton is a cor"No," said Mr. Tupman. "It is nothing. I shall porate town, with a mayor, burgesses, and freemen; be better presently." He closed his eyes. and any body who has consulted the addresses of the " He sleeps," murmured the spinster aunt. (His mayor to the freemen, or the freemen to the mayor, organs of vision had been closed nearly twenty sec- or both to the corporation, or all three to Parliament, onds.) "Dear-dear-Mr. Tupman!" will learn from thence what they ought to have Mr. Tupman jumped up-" Oh, say those words known before, that Muggleton is an ancient and loyagain!" he exclaimed. al borough, mingling a zealous advocacy of Christian The lady started. "Surely you did not hear them!" principles with a devoted attachment to commercial she said, bashfully. rights; in demonstration whereof, the mayor, corpo" Oh yes I did!" replied Mr. Tupman; "repeat them. ration, and other inhabitants, have presented at diIf you would have me recover, repeat them." vers times, no fewer than one thousand four hundred " Hush!" said the lady. " My brother." and twenty petitions against the continuance of neMr. Tracy Tupman resumed his former position; gro slavery abroad, and an equal number against any and Mr. Wardle, accompanied by a surgeon, entered interference with the factory system at home; sixtythe room. eight in favor of the sale of livings in the Church, The arm was examined, the wound dressed, and and eighty-six for abolishing Sunday trading in the pronounced to be a very slight one; and the minds street. of the company having been thus satisfied, they pro- Mr. Pickwick stood in the principal street of this ceeded to satisfy their appetites with countenances illustrious town, and gazed with an air of curiosity, to which an expression of cheerfulness was again re- not unmixed with interest, on the objects around stored. Mr. Pickwick alone was silent and reserved. him. There was an open square for the marketDoubt and distrust were exhibited in his oounte- place; and in the centre of it, a large inn with a nance. His confidence in Mr. Winkle had been sign-post in front, displaying an object very common shaken-greatly shaken-by the proceedings of the in art, but rarely met with in nature-to wit, a blue morning. lion, with three bow legs in the air, balancing him" Are you a cricketer?" inquired Mr. Wardle of the self on the extreme point of the centre claw of his marksman. fourth foot. There were, within sight, an auctionAt any other time, Mr. Winkle would have replied eer's and fire-agency office, a corn-factor's, a linenin the affirmative. He felt the delicacy of his situa- draper's, a saddler's, a distiller's, a grocer's and a tion, and modestly replied, " No." shoe-shop-the last-mentioned warehouse being also "Are you, sir?" inquired Mr. Snodgrass. appropriated to the diffusion of hats, bonnets, wear" I was once upon a time," replied the host; "but ing apparel, cotton umbrellas, and useful knowledge. I have given it up now. I subscribe to the club There was a red brick house with a small paved here, but I don't play." court-yard in front, which any body might have "The grand match is played to-day, I believe," known belonged to the attorney; and there was, said Mr. Pickwick. moreover, another red brick house with Venetian " It is," replied the host. " Of course you would blinds, and a large brass door-plate, with a very leglike to see it." ible announcement that it belonged to the surgeon. "I, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick, "am delighted to A few boys were making their way to the cricketview any sports which may be safely indulged in, field; and two or three shop-keepers who were and in which the impotent effects of unskillful peo- standing at their doors, looked as if they should like ple do not endanger human life." Mr. Pickwick to be making their way to the same spot, as indeed paused, and looked steadily on Mr. Winkle, who to all appearance they might have done, without quailed beneath his leader's searching glance. The losing any great amount of custom thereby. Mr. great man withdrew his eyes after a few minutes, Pickwick having paused to make these observations, and added: "Shall we be justified in leaving our to be noted down at a more convenient period, haswounded friend to the care of the ladies " tened to rejoin his friends, who had turned out of "You can not leave me in better hands," said Mr. the main street, and were already within sight of Tupman. the field of battle. " Quite impossible," said Mr. Snodgrass. The wickets were pitched, and so were a couple It was therefore settled that Mr. Tupman should of marquees for the rest and refreshment of the conbe left at home in charge of the females; and that tending parties. The game had not yet commenced. the remainder of the guests, under the guidance of Two or three Dingley Dellers, and All-Muggletonians, Mr. Wardle, should proceed to the spot where was were amusing themselves with a majestic air by to be held that trial of skill, which had roused all throwing the ball carelessly from hand to hand; and Muggleton from its torpor, and inoculated Dingley several other gentlemen dressed like them, in straw Dell with a fever of excitement. hats, flanneljackets, and white trowsers-a costume As their walk, which was not above two miles in which they looked very much like amateur stone 46 THE PICKWICK CLUB. masons-were sprinkled about the tents, toward one ship on which a general invitation may be easily of which Mr. Wardle conducted the party. founded. His curiosity was therefore satisfied, and Several dozen of "How-are-you's?" hailed the old putting on his spectacles he prepared himself to gentleman's arrival; and a general raising of the watch the play which was just commencing. straw hats, and bending forward of the flannel jack- All-Muggleton had the first innings; and the inets, followed his introduction of his guests as gen- terest became intense when Mr. Dumkins and Mr. tiemen from London, who were extremely anxious to Podder, two of the most renowned members of that witness the proceedings of the day, with which, he most distinguished club, walked, bat in hand, to had no doubt, they would be greatly delighted. their respective wickets. Mr. Luffey, the highest "You had better step into the marquee, I think, ornament of Dingley Dell, was pitched to bowl sir," said one very stout gentleman, whose body and against the redoubtable Dumkins, and Mr. Struggles legs looked like half a gigantic roll of flannel, ele- was selected to do the same kind office for the hithvated on a couple of inflated pillow-cases. erto unconquered Podder. Several players were sta"You'll find it much pleasanter, sir," urged anoth- tioned, to "look out," in different parts of the field, er stout gentleman, who strongly resembled the oth- and each fixed himself into the proper attitude by er half of the roll of flannel aforesaid. placing one hand on each knee, and stooping very "You're very good," said Mr. Pickwick. much as if he were "making a back" for some be"This way," said the first speaker; "they notch ginner at leap-frog. All the regular players do this in here-it's the best place in the whole field;" and sort of thing;-indeed it's generally supposed that it the cricketer, panting on before, preceded them to is quite impossible to look out properly in any other the tent. position. "Capital game -smart sport- fine exercise- The umpires were stationed behind the wickets; very," were the words which fell upon Mr. Pick- the scorers were prepared to notch the runs; a wick's ear as he entered the tent; and the first ob- breathless silence ensued. Mr. Luffey retired a few ject that met his eyes was his green-coated friend paces behind the wicket of the passive Podder, and of the Rochester coach, holding forth, to the no small applied the ball to his right eye for several seconds. delight and edification of a select circle of the chosen Dumkins confidently awaitedits coming with his eyes of All-Muggleton. His dress was slightly improved, fixed on the motions of Luffey. and he wore boots; but there was no mistaking him. " Play!" suddenly cried the bowler. The ball flew The stranger recognized his friends immediately; from his hand straight and swift toward the centre and, darting forward and seizing Mr. Pickwick by stump of the wicket. The wary Dumkins was on the hand, dragged him to a seat with his usual im- the alert; it fell upon the tip of the bat, and bounced petuosity, talking all the while as if the whole of far away over the heads of the scouts, who had just the arrangements were under his especial patronage stooped low enough to let it fly over them. and direction. " Run-run-another.-Now, then, throw her up "This way-this way-capital fun-lots of beer - up with her-stop there-another-no-yes-hogsheads; rounds of beef-bullocks; mustard- no-throw her up, throw her up!"-Such were the cart- loads; glorious day-down with you-make shouts which followed the stroke; and, at the conyourself at home-glad to see you-very." clusion of which All-Muggleton had scored two. Nor Mr. Pickwick sat down as he was bid, and Mr. was Podder behindhand in earning laurels wherewith Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass also complied with the to garnish himself and Muggleton. He blocked the directions of their mysterious friend. Mr. Wardle doubtful balls, missed the bad ones, took the good looked on, in silent wonder. ones, and sent them flying to all parts of the field. "Mr. Wardle-a friend of mine," said Mr. Pick- The scouts were hot and tired; the bowlers were wick. changed and bowled till their arms ached; but Dum"Friend of yours!-My dear sir, how are you?- kins and Podder remained unconquered. Did an Friend of my friend's-give me your hand, sir"- elderly gentleman essay to stop the progress of the and the stranger grasped Mr. Wardle's hand with ball, it rolled between his legs or slipped between all the fervor of a close intimacy of many years, and his fingers. Did a slim gentleman try to catch it, it then stepped back a pace or two as if to take a full struck him on the nose, and bounded pleasantly off survey of his face and figure, and then shook hands with redoubled violence, while the slim gentleman's with him again, if possible, more warmly than be- eyes filled with water, and his form writhed with fore. anguish. Was it thrown straight up to the wicket, "Well and how came you here?" said Mr. Pick- Dumkins had reached it before the ball. In short, wick, with a smile in which benevolence struggled when Dumkins was caught out, and Podder stumpwith surprise. ed out, All-Muggleton had notched some fifty-four, "Come," replied the stranger- "stopping at while the score of the Dingley Dellers was as blank Crown-Crown at Muggleton-met a party-flannel as their faces. The advantage was too great to be jackets-white trowsers-anchovy sandwiches- recovered. In vain did the eager Luffey, and the deviled kidneys-splendid fellows-glorious." enthusiastic Struggles, do all that skill and expeMr. Pickwick was sufficiently versed in the stran- rience could suggest, to regain the ground Dingley ger's system of stenography to infer from this rapid Dell had lost in the contest;-it was of no avail; and disjointed communication that he had, somehow and in an early period of the winning game Dingley or other, contracted an acquaintance with the All- Dell gave in, and allowed the superior prowess of Muggletons, which he had converted, by a process All-Muggleton. peculiar to himself, into that extent of good fellow- The stranger, meanwhile, had been eating, drink DINNER AT THE BLUE LION. 47 ing, and talking, without cessation. At every good arm through Mr. Pickwick's, and another through stroke he expressed his satisfaction and approval of Mr. Wardle's, as he whispered confidentially in the the player in a most condescending and patronizing ear of the former gentlemanmanner, which could not fail to have been highly " Devilish good dinner-cold, but capital-peeped gratifying to the party concerned; while at every into the room this morning-fowls and pies, and bad attempt at a catch, and every failure to stop the all that sort of thing-pleasant fellows these-wellball, he launched his personal displeasure at the behaved too-very." head of the devoted individual in such denunciations There being no further preliminaries to arrange, as-"Ah, ah!-stupid "- " Now, butter-fingers"- the company straggled into the town in little knots "Muff"-" Humbug "-and so forth-ejaculations of twos and threes; and within a quarter of an hour which seemed to establish him in the opinion of all were all seated in the great room of the Blue Lion around, as a most excellent and undeniable judge of Inn, Muggleton-Mr. Dumkins acting as chairman, the whole art and mystery of the noble game of and Mr. Luffey officiating as vice. cricket. There was a vast deal of talking and rattling of "Capital game - well played - some strokes ad- knives and forks, and plates: a great running about mirable," said the stranger, as both sides crowded of three ponderous-headed waiters, and a rapid disinto the tent, at the conclusion of the game. appearance of the substantial viands on the table; "You have played it, sir?" inquired Mr. Wardle, to each and every of which item of confusion, the who had been much amused by his loquacity. facetious Mr. Jingle lent the aid of half a dozen ordi"Played it! Think I have-thousands of times- nary men at least. When every body had eaten as not here-West Indies-exciting thing-hot work- much as possible, the cloth was removed, bottles, very." glasses, and dessert were placed on the table; and " It must be rather a warm pursuit.in such a cli- the waiters withdrew to " clear away," or, in other mate," observed Mr. Pickwick. words, to appropriate to their own private use and "Warm!-red-hot-scorching-glowing. Played emolument whatever remnants of the eatables and a match once-single wicket-friend the Colonel- drinkables they could contrive to lay their hands on. Sir Thomas Blazo-who should get the greatest num- Amidst the general hum of mirth and conversaber of runs.-Won the.toss - first innings - sevefi tion that ensued, there was a little man with a puffy o'clock A.M.-six natives to look out-went in; kept Say - nothing-to-me,-or-I'll-contradict-you sort of in-heat intense-natives all fainted-taken away countenance, who remained very quiet; occasional-fresh half-dozen ordered- fainted also- Blazo ly looking round him when the conversation slackbowling-supported by two natives-couldn't bowl ened, as if he contemplated putting in something me out - fainted too - cleared away the Colonel- very weighty; and now and then bursting into a wouldn't give in-faithful attendant-Quanko Sam- short cough of inexpressible grandeur. At length, ba-last man left-sun so hot, bat in blisters, ball during a moment of comparative silence, the little scorched brown-five hundred and seventy runs- mancalled out in a very loud, solemn voicerather exhausted-Quanko mustered up last remain- " Mr. Luffey!" ing strength-bowled me out-had a bath, and went Every body was hushed into a profound stillness out to dinner." as the individual addressed, replied"And what became of what's-his-name, sir?" in- "Sir!" quired an old gentleman. "I wish to address a few words to you, sir, if you "Blazo?" will entreat the gentlemen to fill their glasses." "No-the other gentleman." Mr. Jingle uttered a patronizing "hear, hear," Quanko Sanba?" which was responded to by the remainder of the "Yes, sir." company: and the glasses having been filled, the "Poor Quanko-never recovered it-bowled on, Vice-president assumed an air of wisdom in a state on my account-bowled off on his own-died, sir." of profound attention; and saidHere the stranger buried his countenance in a brown "Mr. Staple." jug, but whether to hide his emotion or imbibe its "Sir," said the little man, rising, "I wish to adcontents, we cannot distinctly affirm. We only know dress what I have to say to you and not to our worthy that he paused suddenly, drew a long and deep breath, chairman, because our worthy chairman is in some and looked anxiously on, as two of the principal mem- measure-I may say in a great degree-the subject bers of the Dingley Dell club approached Mr. Pick- of what I have to say, or I may say to-to-" wick, and said- "State," suggested Mr. Jingle. "We are about to partake of a plain dinner at the -" Yes, to state," said the little man, "I thank Blue Lion, sir; we hope you and your friends will my honorable friend, if he will allow me to call him join us." so-(four hears, and one certainly from Mr. Jingle) "Of course," said Mr. Wardle, "among our friends -for the suggestion. Sir, I am a Deller-a Dingley we include Mr.;" and he looked toward the Deller (cheers). I can not lay claim to the honor stranger. of forming an item in the population of Muggleton; " Jingle," said that versatile gentleman, taking the nor, sir, I will frankly admit, do I covet that honor: hint at once. " Jingle-Alfred Jingle, Esq., of No and I will tell you why, sir-(hear); to Muggleton Hall, Nowhere." I will readily concede all those honors and distinc" I shall be very happy, I am sure," said Mr. Pick- tions to which it can fairly lay claim-they are too wick. numerous and too well known to require aid or re" So shall I," said Mr. Alfred Jingle, drawing one capitulation from me. But, sir, while we remember 48 THE PICKWICK CLUB. that Muggleton has given birth to a Dumkins and a Dingley Dell and Muggleton were heard to sing, Podder, let us never forget that Dingley Dell can with great feeling and emphasis, the beautiful and boast a Luffey and a Struggles. (Vociferous cheer- pathetic national air of ing.) Let me not be considered as wishing to detract Zn. * >.1 > a- _We won't go home'till morning, from the merits of the former gentlemen. Sir, wogoome tillmoring We won't go home'till morning, envy them the luxury of their own feelings on this We won't go home'till morning, occasion. (Cheers.) Every gentleman who hears'Till daylight doth appear. me, is probably acquainted with the reply made by an individual, who-to use an ordinary figure of — speech-' hung out' in a tub, to the emperor Alexander:-' If I were not Diogenes,' said he,' I would CHAPTER VIII. be Alexander.' I can well imagine these gentlemen to say,'If I were not Dumkins I- would be Luffey; STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION THAT if I were not Podder I would be Struggles.' (Enthu- THE COURSE OF TRUE LOE I NOT A RAILWAY. siasm.) But, gentlemen of Muggleton, is it in cricket HE quiet seclusion of Dingley Dell, the presence alone that your fellow-townsmen stand pre-eminent? of so many of the gentler sex, and the solicitude Have you never heard of Dumkins and determina- and anxiety they evinced in his behalf, were all fation? Have you never been taught to associate vorable to the growth and development of those softPodder with property? (Great applause.) Have er feelings which nature had implanted deep in the you never, when struggling for your rights, your lib- bosom of Mr. Tracy Tupman, and which now aperties, and your privileges, been reduced, if only for peared destined to centre in one lovely object. The an instant, to misgiving and despair? And when young ladies were pretty, their manners winning, you have been thus depressed, has not the name of their dispositions unexceptionable; but there was a Dumkins laid afresh within your breast the fire dignity in the air, a touch-me-not-ishness in the which had just gone out; and has not a word from walk, a majesty in the eye of the spinster aunt, to that man lighted it again as brightly as if it had which, at their time of life, they could lay no claim, never expired? (Great cheering.) Gentlemen, I beg which distinguished her from any female on whom to surround with a rich halo of enthusiastic cheering Mr. Tupman had ever gazed. That there was somethe united names of' Dumkins and Podder."' thing kindred in their nature, something congenial Here the little man ceased, and here the company in their souls, something mysteriously sympathetic commenced a raising of voices, and thumping of in their bosoms, was evident. Her name was the tables, which lasted with little intermission during first that rose to Mr. Tupman's lips as he lay woundthe remainder of the evening. Other toasts were ed on the grass; and her hysteric laughter was the drunk. Mr. Luffey and Mr. Struggles, Mr. Pickwick first sound that fell upon his ear when he was supand Mr. Jingle, were, each in his turn, the subject of ported to the house. But had her agitation arisen unqualified eulogium; and each in due course re- from an amiable and feminine sensibility which turned thanks for the honor. would have been equally irrepressible in any case? Enthusiastic as we are in the noble cause to which or had it been called forth by a more ardent and we have devoted ourselves, we should have felt a passionate feeling, which he, of all men living, could sensation of pride which we can not express, and a alone awaken? These were the doubts which rackconsciousness of having done something to merit im- ed his brain as he lay extended on the sofa: these mortality of which we are now deprived, could we were the doubts which he determined should be at have laid the faintest outline of these addresses be- once and forever resolved. fore our ardent readers. Mr. Snodgrass, as usual, It was evening. Isabella and Emily had strolled took a great mass of notes, which would no doubt out with Mr. Trundle; the deaf old lady had fallen have afforded most useful and valuable information, asleep in her chair; the snoring of the fat boy, penhad not the burning eloquence of the words or the etrated in a low and monotonous sound from the disfeverish influence of the wine made that gentleman's tant kitchen; the buxom servants were lounging at hand so extremely unsteady, as to render his writing the side door, enjoying the pleasantness of the hour, nearly unintelligible, and his style wholly so. By and the delights of a flirtation, on first principles, dint of patient investigation, we have been enabled with certain unwieldy animals attached to the farm; to trace some characters bearing a faint resemblance and there sat the interesting pair, uncared for by all, to the names of the speakers; and we can also dis- caring for none, and dreaming only of themselves; cern an entry of a song (supposed to have been sung there they sat, in short, like a pair of carefully-folded by Mr. Jingle), in which the words "bowl" " spark- kid gloves-bound up in each other. ling" " ruby" " bright," and " wine " are frequently " I have forgotten my flowers," said the spinster repeated at short intervals. We fancy too, that we aunt. can discern at the very end of the notes, some indis- "Water them now," said Mr. Tupman in accents of tinct reference to "broiled bones;" and then the persuasion. words " cold " without " occur: but as any hypothe- " You will take cold in the evening air," urged the sis we could found upon them must necessarily rest spinster aunt, affectionately. upon mere conjecture, we are not disposed to indulge "No, no," said Mr. Tupman rising; " it will do me in any of the speculations to which they may give rise. good. Let me accompany you." We will therefore return to Mr. Tupman; merely The lady paused to adjust the sling in which the adding that within some few minutes before twelve left arm of the youth was placed, and taking his right o'clock that night, the convocation of worthies of arm led him to the garden. I ~7I ]?'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'I I~~ i' I'I b~~~~~~:/ /., r"/' 4~~~~~j MR. TUPMAN DECLARES. 51 There was a bower at the farther end, with hon- Mr. Tupmau looked round. There was the fat boy, eysuckle, jasmine, and creeping plants-one of those perfectly motionless, with his large circular eyes starsweet retreats which humane men erect for the ac- ing into the arbor, but without the slightest exprescommodation of spiders. sion on his face that the most expert physiognomist The spinster aunt took up a large watering-pot could have referred to astonishment, curiosity, or any which lay in one corner, and was about to leave the other known passion that agitates the human breast. arbor. Mr. Tupman detained her, and drew her to a Mr. Tupman gazed on the fat boy, and the fat boy seat beside him. stared at him; and the longer Mr. Tupman observed " Miss Wardle!" said he. the utter vacancy of the fat boy's countenance, the The spinster aunt trembled, till some pebbles which more convinced he became that he either did not had accidentally found their way into the large wa- know, or did not understand, any thing that had tering-pot shook like an infant's rattle. been going forward. Under this impression, he said, "Miss Wardle," said Mr. Tupman, " you are an with great firmnessangel." "What do you want here, sir?" " Mr. Tupman!" exclaimed Rachael, blushing as red "Supper's ready, sir," was the prompt reply. as the watering-pot itself. "Have you just come here, sir?" inquired Mr. Tup"Nay," said the eloquent Pickwickian-" I know man, with a piercing look. it but too well." " Just," replied the fat boy. "All women are angels, they say," murmured the Mr. Tupman looked at him very hard again; but lady, playfully. there was not a wink in his eye, nor a curve in his " Then what can you be; or to what, without pre- face. sumption, can I compare you?" replied Mr. Tupman. " Mr. Tupman took the arm of the spinster aunt, "Where was the woman ever seen who resembled and walked toward the house; the fat boy followed you? Where else could I hope to find so rare a com- behind. bination of excellence and beauty? Where else could "He knows nothing of what has happened," he I seek to- Oh!" Here Mr. Tupman paused, and whispered. pressed the hand which clasped the handle of the " Nothing," said the spinster aunt. happy watering-pot. There was a sound behind them, as of an imperThe lady turned aside her head. "Men are such fectly suppressed chuckle. Mr. Tupman turned sharpdeceivers," she softly whispered. ly round. No; it could not have been the fat boy; "They are, they are," ejaculated Mr. Tupman; there was not a gleam of mirth, or any thing but feed"but not all men. There lives at least one being ing in his whole visage. who can never change-one being who would be "He must have been fast asleep," whispered Mr. content to devote his whole existence to your happi- Tupman. ness-who lives but in your eyes-who breathes but "I have not the least doubt of it," replied the spinin your smiles-who bears the heavy burden of life ster aunt. itself only for you." They both laughed heartily. "Could such an individual be found," said the Mr. Tupman was wrong. The fat boy, for once, lady- had not been fast asleep. He was awake-wide " But he can be found," said the ardent Mr. Tup- awake-to what had been going forward. man, interposing. "He is found. He is here, Miss The supper passed off without any attempt at a Wardle." And ere the lady was aware of his inten- general conversation. The old lady had gone to bed; tion, Mr. Tupman had sunk upon his knees at her Isabella Wardle devoted herself exclusively to Mr. feet. Trundle; the spinster's attentions were reserved for " Mr. Tupman, rise," said Rachael. Mr. Tupman; and Emily's thoughts appeared to be "Never!" was the valorous reply. "Oh, Ra- engrossed by some distant object-possibly they were chael!"-He seized her passive hand, and the water- with the absent Snodgrass. ing-pot fell to the ground as he pressed it to his lips. Eleven-twelve-one o'clock had struck, and the -" Oh, Rachael! say you love me." gentlemen had not arrived. Consternation sat on "Mr. Tupman," said the spinster aunt, with averted every face. Could they have been waylaid and head-" I can hardly speak the words; but-but- robbed? Should they send men and lanterns in evyou are not wholly indifferent to me." ery direction by which they could be supposed likeMr. Tupman no sooner heard this avowal, than ly to have traveled home? or should they- Hark! he proceeded to do what his enthusiastic emotions there they were. What could have made them so prompted, and what, for aught we know (for we are late? A strange voice, too! To whom could it bebut little acquainted with such matters), people so long? They rushed into the kitchen whither the circumstanced always do. He jumped up, and, throw- truants had repaired, and at once obtained rather ing his arm round the neck of the spinster aunt, im- more than a glimmering of the real state of the case. printed upon her lips numerous kisses, which after a Mr. Pickwick, with his hands in his pockets and due show of struggling and resistance, she received his hat cocked completely over his left eye, was leanso passively, that there is no telling how many more ing against the dresser, shaking his head from side Mr. Tupman might have bestowed, if the lady had to side, and producing a constant succession of the not given a very unaffected start and exclaimed, in blandest and most benevolent smiles without being an affrighted tone- moved thereunto by any discernible cause or pretense " Mr. Tupman, we are observed!-we are discov- whatsoever; old Mr. Wardle, with a highly-inflamed ered!" countenance, was grasping the hand of a strange gen 52 THE PICKWICK CLUB. tleman muttering protestations of eternal friendship; "I won't go to bed," said Mr. Winkle, firmly. Mr. Winkle, supporting himself bythe eight-day clock, "No living boy shall carry me," said Mr. Pickwick, was feebly invoking destruction upon the head of any stoutly;-and he went on smiling as before. member of the family who should suggest the pro- "Hurra!" gasped Mr. Winkle, faintly. priety of his retiring for the night; and Mr. Snod- " Hurra!" echoed Mr. Pickwick, taking off his hat grass had sunk into a chair, with an expression of and dashing it on the floor, and insanely casting his the most abject and hopeless misery that the human spectacles into the middle of the kitchen.-At this mind can imagine, portrayed in every lineament of humorous feat he laughed outright. his expressive face. " Let's-have-'nother-bottle," cried Mr. Winkle, "Is any thing the matter?" inquired the three la- commencing in a very loud key, and ending in a very dies. faint one. His head dropped upon his breast; and, "Nothing the matter," replied Mr. Pickwick. muttering his invincible determination not to go to We -we're -all right.- I say, Wardle, we're all his bed, and a sanguinary regret that he had not right, an't we?" "done for old Tupman " in the morning, he fell fast Va~i::b,,:,,:'"":: "HE KNOWS NOTHING OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED," HE WHISPERED. "I should think so," replied the jolly host.-" My asleep; in which condition he was borne to his apartdears, here's my friend, Mr. Jingle-Mr. Pickwick's ment by two young giants under the personal superfriend, Mr. Jingle, come'pon-little visit." intendence of the fat boy, to whose protecting care " Is any thing the matter with Mr. Snodgrass, sir?" Mr. Snodgrass shortly afterward confided his own inquired Emily, with great anxiety. person. Mr. Pickwick accepted the proffered arm of " Nothing the matter, ma'am," replied the stranger. Mr. Tupman and quietly disappeared, smiling more "Cricket dinner-glorious paity-capital songs- than ever; and Mr. Wardle, after taking as affectionold port-claret-good-very good-wine, ma'am- ate a leave of the whole family as if he were ordered wine." for immediate execution, consigned to Mr. Trundle "It wasn't the wine," murmured Mr. Snodgrass, the honor of conveying him up stairs, and retired, in a broken voice. "It was the salmon." (Some- with a very futile attempt to look impressively solhow or other, it never is the wine, in these cases.) emn and dignified. " Hadn't they better go to bed, ma'am?" inquired "What a shocking scene!" said the spinster aunt. Emma. " Two of the boys will carry the gentlemen "Dis-gusting!" ejaculated both the young ladies. up stairs." "Dreadful-dreadful!" said Jingle, looking very A SNAKE IN THE GRASS. 53 grave: he was about a bottle and a half ahead of Now it so happened that Mr. Jingle was walking any of his companions. " Horrid spectacle-very!" in the garden close to the arbor at this moment. He " What a nice man!" whispered the spinster aunt too heard the shout of " Missus," and stopped to hear to Mr. Tupman. more. There were three reasons for his doing so. "Good-looking, too!" whispered Emily Wardle. In the first place, he was idle and curious; secondly, "Oh, decidedly," observed the spinster aunt. he was by no means scrupulous; thirdly, and lastMr. Tupman thought of the widow at Rochester: ly, he was concealed from view by some flowering and his mind was troubled. The succeeding half- shrubs. So there he stood, and there he listened. hour's conversation was not of a nature to calm his "Missus!" shouted the fat boy. perturbed spirit. The new visitor was very talka- "Well, Joe," said the trembling old lady. "I'm five, and the number of his anecdotes was only to be sure I have been a good mistress to you, Joe. You exceeded by the extent of his politeness. Mr. Tup- have invariably been treated very kindly. You man felt that as Jingle's popularity increased, he have never had too much to do; and you have al(Tupman) retired farther into the shade. His laugh- ways had enough to eat." ter was forced-his merriment feigned; and when This last was an appeal to the fat boy's most senat last he laid his aching temples between the sheets, sitive feelings. He seemed touched, as he replied, he thought, with horrid delight, on the satisfaction emphaticallyit would afford him to have Jingle's head at that mo- "I knows I has." ment between the feather-bed and the mattress. "Then what can you want to do now?" said the The indefatigable stranger rose betimes next morn- old lady, gaining courage. ing, and, although his companions remained in bed "I wants to make your flesh creep," replied the overpowered with the dissipation of the previous boy. night, exerted himself most successfully to promote This sounded like a very blood-thirsty mode of the hilarity of the breakfast-table. So successful showing one's gratitude; and as the old lady did not were his efforts, that even the deaf old lady insisted precisely understand the process by which such a reon having one or two of his best jokes retailed suit was to be attained, all her former horrors rethrough the trumpet; and even she condescended to turned. observe to the spinster aunt, that "he" (meaning "What do you think I see in this very arbor last Jingle) "was an impudent young fellow:" a senti- night?" inquired the boy. ment in which all her relations then and there pres- "Bless us! What?" exclaimed the old lady, alarment thoroughly coincided. ed at the solemn manner of the corpulent youth. It was the old lady's habit on the fine summer "The strange gentleman -him as had his arm mornings to repair to, the arbor in which Mr. Tup- hurt-a-kissin' and huggin'-" man had already signalized himself, in form and man- "Who, Joe? None of the servants, I hope." ner following: first, the fat boy fetched from a peg "Worser than that," roared the fat boy, in the old behind the old lady's bedroom door, a close black lady's ear. satin bonnet, a warm cotton shawl, and a thick stick "Not one of my grandda'aters?" with a capacious handle; and the old lady having "Worser than that." put on the bonnet and shawl at her leisure, would "Worse than that, Joe!" said the old lady, who had lean one hand on the stick and the other on the fat thought this the extreme limit of human atrocity. boy's shoulder, and walk leisurely to the arbor, "Who was it, Joe? I insist upon knowing." where the fat boy would leave her to enjoy the fresh The fat boy looked cautiously round, and having air for the space of half an hour; at the expiration concluded his survey, shouted in the old lady's ear: of which time he would return and reconduct her to "Miss Rachael." the house. "What!" said the old lady, in a shrill tone. The old lady was very precise and very particu- " Speak louder." lar; and as this ceremony had been observed for "Miss Rachael," roared the fat boy. three successive summers without the slightest de- "My da'ater!" viation from the accustomed form, she was not a lit- The train of nods which the fat boy gave by waytle surprised, on this particular morning, to see the of assent, communicated a blanc-mange-like motion fat boy, instead of leaving the arbor, walk a few to his fat cheeks. paces out of it, look carefully round him in every di- "And she suffered him!" exclaimed the old lady. rection, and return toward her with great stealth A grin stole over the fat boy's features as he said: and an air of the most profound mystery. "I see her a-kissin' of him agin." The old lady was timorous —most old ladies are- If Mr. Jingle, from his place of concealment, could and her first impression was that the bloated lad have beheld the expression which the old lady's face was about to do her some grievous bodily harm with assumed at this communication, the probability is the view of possessing himself of her loose coin. She that a sudden burst of laughter would have betraywould have cried for assistance, but age and infirmi- ed his close vicinity to the summer-house. He listty had long ago deprived her of the power of scream- ened attentively. Fragments of angry sentences ing; she, therefore, watched his motions with feel- such as, " Without my permission!"-" At her time ings of intense terror, which were in no degree di- of life "-" Miserable old'ooman like me"-" Might minished by his coming close up to her, and shout- have waited till I was dead," and so forth, reached ing in her ear in an agitated, and, as it seemed to her, his ears; and then he heard the heels of the fat boy's a threatening tone- bots crunching the gravel, as he retired and left the "Missus!" old lady alone. 54 THE PICKWICK CLUB. It was a remarkable coincidence perhaps, but it walked out alone, soon after breakfast. The coast was nevertheless a fact, that Mr. Jingle within five was clear. minutes after his arrival at Manor Farm on the pre- The breakfast-parlor door was partially open. He ceding night, had inwardly resolved to lay siege to peeped in. The spinster aunt was knitting. He the heart of the spinster aunt, without delay. He coughed; she looked up and smiled. Hesitation had observation enough to see, that his off-hand formed no part of Mr. Alfred Jingle's character. He manner was by no means disagreeable to the fair laid his finger on his lips mysteriously, walked in, object of his attack; and he had more than a strong and closed the door. suspicion that she possessed that most desirable of "Miss Wardle," said Mr. Jingle, with affected earall requisites, a small independence. The impera- nestness, "forgive intrusion —short acquaintancetive necessity of ousting his rival by some means or no time for ceremony-all discovered." other flashed quickly upon him, and he immediately "Sir!" said the spinster aunt, rather astonished by - --- - ------ lilil i I 1 il —... "HUIRAl" ECHOED MR. PlOKWIOK, TAKING OFF HIS HAT AND DASHING IT ON THE FLOOR, AND INSANELY CASTING HIS SPECTACLES INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE KITCHEN. resolved to adopt certain proceedings tending to that the unexpected apparition, and somewhat doubtful end and object, without a moment's delay. Field- of Mr. Jingle's sanity. ing tell us that man is fire, and woman tow, and the "Hush!" said Mr. Jingle, in a stage whisper;Prince of Darkness sets a light to'em. Mr. Jingle " large boy-dumpling face-round eyes-rascal!" knew that young men, to spinster aunts, are as light- Here he shook his head expressively, and the spined gas to gunpowder, and he determined to essay the ster aunt trembled with agitation. effect of an explosion without loss of time. "I presume you allude to Joseph, sir?" said the Full of reflections upon this important decision, lady, making an effort to appear composed. he crept from his place of concealment, and, under "Yes, ma'am-damn that Joe!-treacherous dog, cover of the shrubs before mentioned, approached Joe-told the old lady-old lady furious-wildthe house. Fortune seemed determined to favor his raving-arbor-Tupman-kissing and hugging-all design. Mr. Tupman and the rest of the gentlemen that sort of thing-eh, ma'am-eh?" left the garden by the side gate just as he obtained "Mr. Jingle," said the spinster aunt, " if you come a view of it; and the young ladies, he knew, had here, sir, to insult me-" THE SNAKE IN ACTION. 55 "Not at all-by no means," replied the unabashed "Short girl-black eyes-niece Emily." Mr. Jingle;-" overheard the tale-came to warn There was a pause. you of your danger-tender my services-prevent Now, if there were one individual in the whole the hubbub. Never mind —think it an insult — world, of whom the spinster aunt entertained a morleave the room"-and he turned, as if to carry the tal and deeply-rooted jealousy, it was this identical threat into execution. niece. The color rushed over her face and neck, and "What shall I do!" said the poor spinster, burst- she tossed her head in silence with an air of ineffaing into tears. "My brother will be furious." ble contempt. At last, biting her thin lips, and bri" Of course he will," said Mr. Jingle, pausing- dling up, she said"outrageous." "It can't be. I won't believe it." " Oh, Mr. Jingle, what can I say!" exclaimed the "Watch em," said Jingle. spinster aunt, in another flood of despair. "I will," said the aunt. " Say he dreamed it," replied Mr. Jingle, coolly. "Watch his looks." A ray of comfort darted across the mind of the "I will." spinster aunt at this suggestion. Mr. Jingle per- "His whispers." ceived it, and followed up his advantage. "I will." "Pooh, pooh! -nothing more easy-blackguard "He'll sit next her at table." boy- lovely woman- fat boy horsewhipped -you "Let him." believed-end of the matter-all comfortable." "He'll flatter her." Whether the probability of escaping from the con- "Let him." sequences of this ill-timed discovery was delightful "He'll pay her every possible attention." to the spinster's feelings, or whether the hearing "Let him." herself described as a " lovely woman" softened the "And he'll cut you." asperity of her grief, we know not. She blushed "Cut me!" screamed the spinster aunt. "He cut slightly, and cast a grateful look on Mr. Jingle. me; will he!" and she trembled with rage and disapThat insinuating gentleman sighed deeply, fixed pointment. his eyes on the spinster aunt's face for a couple of "You will convince yourself?" said Jingle. minutes, started melo-dramatically, and suddenly "I will." withdrew them. "You'll show your spirit?" "You seem unhappy, Mr. Jingle," said the lady, in "I will." a plaintive voice. " May I show my gratitude for "You'll not have him afterward?" your kind interference, by inquiring into the cause, "Never." with a view, if possible, to its removal?" You'll take somebody else?" " Ha!" exclaimed Mr. Jingle, with another start- "Yes." "removal! remove my unhappiness, and your love "You shall." bestowed upon a man who is insensible to the bless- Mr. Jingle fell on his knees, remained thereupon ing-who even now contemplates a design upon the for five minutes thereafter: and rose the accepted affections of the niece of the creature who-but no; lover of the spinster aunt: conditionally upon Mr. he is my friend; I will not expose his vices. Miss Tupman's perjury being made clear and manifest. Wardle-farewell!" At the conclusion of this ad- The burden of proof lay with Mr. Alfred Jingle; dress, the most consecutive he was ever known to and he produced his evidence that very day at dinutter, Mr. Jingle applied to his eyes the remnant of ner. The spinster aunt could hardly believe her a handkerchief before noticed, and turned toward eyes. Mr. Tracy Tupman was established at Emily's the door. side, ogling, whispering, and smiling, in opposition "Stay, Mr. Jingle!" said the spinster aunt emphat- to Mr. Snodgrass. Not a word, not a look, not a ically. " You have made an allusion to Mr. Tupman glance, did he bestow upon his heart's pride of the -explain it." evening before. "Never!" exclaimed Jingle, with a professional "Damn that boy!" thought old Mr. Wardle to (i. e., theatrical) air. " Never!" and, by way of show- himself.-He had heard the story from his mother. ing that he had no desire to be questioned further, "Damn that boy! He must have been asleep. It's he drew a chair close to that of the spinster aunt all imagination." and sat down. " Traitor!" thought the spinster aunt. " Dear Mr. " Mr. Jingle," said the aunt, " I entreat-I implore Jingle was not deceiving me. Ugh! how I hate the you, if there is any dreadful mystery connected with wretch!" Mr. Tupman, reveal it." The following conversation may serve to explain "Can I," said Mr. Jingle, fixing his eyes on the to our readers this apparently unaccountable alteraaunt's face-" can I see-lovely creature-sacrificed tion of deportment on the part of Mr. Tracy Tupmdan. at the shrine-heartless avarice!" He appeared to The time was evening; the scene the garden. he struggling with various conflicting emotions for There were two figures walking in a side path; one a few seconds, and then said in a low deep voice- was rather short and stout; the other rather tall "Tupman only wants your money." and slim. They were Mr. Tupman and Mr. Jingle. "The wretch!" exclaimed the spinster, with ener- The stout figure commenced the dialogue. getic indignation. (Mr. Jingle's doubts were re- "How did I do it?" he inquired. solved. She had money.) "Splendid-capital-couldn't act better myself" More than that," said Jingle-" loves another." you must repeat the part to-morrow-every evening, "Another!" ejaculated the spinster. "Who?" till further notice." 56 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Does Rachael still wish it?"CHAPTER IX "Of course-she don't like it-but must be doneavert suspicion-afraid of her brother-says there's A DISCOVERY AND A CHASE. no help for it-only a few days more-when old folks HE supper was ready laid, the chairs were drawn blinded-crown your happiness." L round the table, bottles, jugs, and glasses were "Any message?" arranged upon the sideboard, and every thing be"Love-best love-kindest regards-unalterable tokened the approach of the most convivial period affection. Can I say any thing for you " in the whole four-and-twenty hours. "My dear fellow," replied the unsuspicious Mr. "Where's Rachael?" said Mr. Wardle. Tupman, fervently grasping his "friend's" hand- "Ay, and Jingle I" added Mr. Pickwick. " carry my best love-say how hard I find it to dis- "Dear me," said the host, "I wonder I haven't semble -say any thing that's kind: but add how missed him before. Why, I don't think I've heard sensible I am of the suggestion she made to me, his voice for two hours at least. Emily, my dear, through you, this morning. Say I applaud her wis- ring the bell." dom and admire her discretion." The bell was rung, and the fat boy appeared: "I will. Any thing more?" "Where's Miss Rachael?" He couldn't say. "Nothing; only add how ardently I long for the " Where's Mr. Jingle, then?" He didn't know. time when I may call her mine, and all dissimulation Every body looked surprised. It was late-past may be unnecessary." eleven o'clock. Mr. Tupman laughed in his sleeve. "Certainly, certainly. Any thing more?" They were loitering somewhere, talking about him. "Oh, my friend!" said poor Mr. Tupman, again Ha, ha! capital notion that-funny. grasping the hand of his companion, "receive my "Never mind," said Wardle, after a short pause, warmest thanks for your disinterested kindness; "they'll turn up presently, I dare say. I never wait and forgive me if I have ever, even in thought, done supper for any body." you the injustice of supposing that you could stand "Excellent rule, that," said Mr. Pickwick, " adin my way. My dear friend, can I ever repay you?" mirable." " Don't talk of it," replied Mr. Jingle. He stop- "Pray, sit down," said the host. ped short, as if suddenly recollecting something, and "Certainly," said Mr. Pickwick; and down they sat. said-" By-the-bye-can't spare ten pounds, can you? There was a gigantic round of cold beef on the ta-very particular purpose-pay you in three days." ble, and Mr. PickWick was supplied with a plentiful " I dare say I can," replied - Mr. Tupman, in the portion of it. He had raised his fork to his lips, and fullness of his heart. " Three days, you say?" was on the very point of opening his mouth for the "Only three days-all over then-no more diffi- reception of a piece of beef, when the hum of many culties." voices suddenly arose in the kitchen. He paused, Mr. Tupman counted the money into his compan- and laid down his fork. Mr. Wardle paused too, ion's hand, and he dropped it piece by piece into his and insensibly released his hold of the carving-knife, pocket, as they walked toward the house. which remained inserted in the beef. He. looked at "Be careful," said Mr. Jingle-" not a look." Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Pickwick looked at him. " Not a wink," said Mr. Tupman. Heavy footsteps were heard in the passage; the "Not a syllable." parlor door was suddenly burst open; and the man " Not a whisper." who had cleaned Mr. Pickwick's boots on his first ar" All your attentions to the niece-rather rude rival, rushed into the room, followed by the fat boy, than otherwise, to the aunt-only way of deceiving and all the domestics. the old ones." "What the devil's the meaning of this?" exclaim"I'll take care," said Mr. Tupman, aloud. ed the host. "And I'll take care," said Mr. Jingle, internally; "The kitchen chimney ain't afire, is it, Emma?" and they entered the house. inquired the old lady. The scene ofthat afternoon was repeated that "Lor grandma! No," screamed both the young evening, and on the three afternoons and evenings ladies. next ensuing. * On the fourth, the host was in high "What's the matter?" roared the master of the spirits, for he had satisfied himself that there was house. no ground for the charge against Mr. Tupman. So The man gasped forbreath, andfaintly ejaculatedwas Mr. Tupman, for Mr. Jingle had told him that "They-ha' gone, Mas'r!-gone right clean off, sir!" his affair would soon be brought to a crisis. So was (At this juncture Mr. Tupman was observed to lay Mr. Pickwick, for he was seldom otherwise. So was down his knife and fork, and to turn very pale.) not Mr. Snodgrass, for he had grown jealous of Mr. "Who's gone?" said Mr. Wardle, fiercely. Tupman. So was the old lady, for she had been win- "Mus'r Jingle and Miss Rachael, in a po'-chay, ning at whist. So were Mr. Jingle and Miss Wardle, from Blue Lion, Muggleton. I was there; but I for reasons of sufficient importance in this eventful couldn't stop'em; so I run off to tell'ee." history to be narrated in another chapter. "I paid his expenses!" said Mr. Tupman, jumping up frantically. "He's got ten pounds of mine!stop him!-he's swindled me!-I won't bear it!I'll have justice, Pickwick!-I won't stand it!" and with sundry incoherent exclamations of the like nature, the unhappy gentleman spun round and round the apartment, in a transport of frenzy. TEMPORARY INSANITY OF MR. TUPMAN. 57 "Lord preserve us!" ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, ey- leased his hold, than the man entered to announce ing the extraordinary gestures of his friend with that the gig was ready. terrified surprise. "He's gone mad! What shallh "Don't let him go alone!" screamed the females. we do?" "He'll kill somebody!" "Do!" said the stout old host, who regarded only "I'll go with him," said Mr/Pickwick. the last words of the sentence. "Put the horse in "You're a good fellow, Pickwick," said the host, the gig! I'll get a chaise at the Lion, and follow grasping his hand. " Emma, give Mr. Pickwick a'em instantly. Where "-he exclaimed, as the man shawl to tie round his neck-make haste. Look ran out to execute the commission — "where's that after your grandmother, girls; she has fainted away. villain, Joe?" Now then, are you ready?" "Here I am; but I han't a willin," replied a voice. Mr. Pickwick's mouth and chin having been hastiIt was the fat boy's. ly enveloped in a large shawl: his hat having been "Let me get at him, Pickwick," cried Wardle, as put on his head, and his great-coat thrown over his he rushed at the ill-starred youth. " He was bribed arm, he replied in the affirmative. by that scoundrel, Jingle, to put me on a wrong scent, They jumped into the gig. " Give her her head, by telling a cock-and-a-bull story of my sister and Tom," cried the host; and away they went, down N I I' \\ MRE. WINKLE, TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF. MR. PIOKWIOK, LET ME GO, SIR 1 your friend Tupman!" (Here Mr. Tupman sunk into the narrow lanes; jolting in and out of the cart-ruts, a chair.) "Let me get at him!" and bumping up against the hedges on either side, "Don't let him!" screamed all the women, above as if they would go to pieces every moment. whose exclamations the blubbering of the fat boy "How much are they ahead?" shouted Wardle, was distinctly audible. as they drove up to the door of the Blue Lion, round " I won't be held!" cried the old man. " Mr. Win- which a little crowd had collected, late as it was. kle, take your hands off. Mr. Pickwick, let me go, "Not above three-quarters of an hour," was every sir!" body's reply. It was a beautiful sight, in that moment of tur- "Chaise-and-four directly!-out with'em! Put moil and confusion, to behold the placid and philo- up the gig afterward." sophical expression of Mr. Pickwick's face, albeit "Now, boys!" cried the landlord — "chaise-andsomewhat flushed with exertion, as he stood with four out-make haste-look alive there!" his arms firmly clasped round the extensive waist Away ran the hostlers, and the boys. The lanof their corpulent host, thus restraining the impetu- terns glimmered, as the men ran to and fro; the osity of his passion, while the fat boy was scratch- horses' hoofs clattered on the uneven paving of the ed, and pulled, and pushed from the room by all the yard; the chaise rumbled as it was drawn out of the females congregated therein. He had no sooner re- coach-house; and all was noise and bustle. 58 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Now then!-is that chaise coming out to-night?" "Oh yes, there's been a shay by." cried Wardle. "How long ago, my friend," interposed Mr. Pick"Coming down the yard now, sir," replied the wick; "an hour?" hostler. "Ah, I dare say it might be," replied the man. Out came the chaise-in went the horses-on "Or two hours?" inquired the post-boy on the sprung the boys-in got the travelers. wheeler. " Mind- -the seven-mile stage in less than half an " Well, I shouldn't wonder if it was," returned the hour!" shouted Wardle. old man doubtfully. " Off with you!" "Drive on, boys," cried the testy old gentleman: The boys applied whip and spur, the waiters shout- "don't waste any more time with that old idiot!" ed, the hostlers cheered, and away they went, fast " Idiot!" exclaimed the old man with a grin, as he and furiously. stood in the middle of the road with the gate half "Pretty situation," thought Mr. Pickwick, when closed, watching the chaise which rapidly diminished he had had a moment's time for reflection. " Pretty in the increasing distance. "No-not much o' that situation for the General Chairman of the Pickwick either; you've lost ten minutes here, and gone away Club. Damp chaise-strange horses-fifteen miles as wise as you came, arter all. If every man on the an hour-and twelve o'clock at night!" line as has a guinea give him, earns it half as well, For the first three or four miles, not a word was you won't catch t'other shay this side Mich'lmas, old spoken by either of the gentlemen, each being too short-and-fat." And with another prolonged grin, much immersed in his own reflections to address any the old man closed the gate, re-entered his house, observations to his companion. When they had gone and bolted the door after him. over that much ground, however, and the horses get- Meanwhile the chaise proceeded,without any slackting thoroughly warmed began to do their work in ening of pace, toward the conclusion of the stage. really good style, Mr. Pickwick became too much ex- The moon, as Wardle had foretold, was rapidly on hilarated with the rapidity of the motion, to remain the wane; large tiers of dark heavy clouds, which any longer perfectly mute. had been gradually overspreading the sky for some " We're sure to catch them, I think," said he. time past, now formed one black mass overhead; and " Hope so," replied his companion. large drops of rain which pattered every now and " Fine night," said Mr. Pickwick, looking up at the then against the windows of the chaise, seemed to moon, which was shining brightly. warn the travelers of the rapid approach of a stormy "So muchthe worse," returnedWardle; "forthey'll night. The wind, too, which was directly against have had all the advantage of the moonlight to get them, swept in furious gusts down the narrow road, the start of us, and we shall lose it. It will have and howled dismally through the trees which skirted gone down in another hour." the pathway. Mr. Pickwick drew his coat closer " It will be rather unpleasant going at this rate in about him, coiled himself more snugly up into the the dark, won't it?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. corner of the chaise, and fell into a sound sleep, from " I dare say it will," replied his friend dryly. which he was only awakened by the stopping of the Mr. Pickwick's temporary excitement began to so- vehicle, the sound of the hostler's bell, and a loud ber down a little, as he reflected upon the inconven- cry of "Horses on directly!" iences and dangers of the expedition in which he But here another delay occurred. The boys were had so thoughtlessly embarked. He was roused by sleeping with such mysterious soundness, that it took a loud shouting of the post-boy on the leader. five minutes apiece to wake them. The hostler had " Yo-yo-yo-yo-yoe," went the first boy. somehow or other mislaid the key of the stable, and " Yo-yo-yo-yoe!" went the second. even when that was found, two sleepy helpers put "Yo-yo —yo-yoe!" chimed in old Wardle him- the Wrong harness on the wrong horses, and the self, most lustily, with his head and half his body whole process of harnessing had to be gone through out of the coach window. afresh. Had Mr. Pickwick been alone, these multi"Yo —yo-yo-yoe!" shouted Mr. Pickwick, tak- plied obstacles would have completely put an end ing up the burden of the cry, though he had not the to the pursuit at once, but old Wardle was not to be slightest notion of its meaning or object. And amidst so easily daunted; and he laid about him with such the yo-yoing of the whole four, the chaise stopped. hearty good-will, cuffing this man, and pushing that; " What's the matter?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. strapping a buckle here, and taking in a link there, "There's a gate here," replied old Wardle. "We that the chaise was ready in a much shorter time shall hear something of the fugitives." than could reasonably have been expected, under so After a lapse of five minutes, consumed in inces- many difficulties. sant knocking and shouting, an old man in his shirt They resumed their journey; and certainly the and trowsers emerged from the turnpike-house, and prospect before them was by no means encouraging. opened the gate. The stage was fifteen miles long, the night was dark, "How long is it since a post-chaise went through the wind high, and the rain pouring in torrents. It here?" inquired Mr. Wardle. was impossible to make any great way against such "How long?" obstacles united; it was hard upon one o'clock al" Ah?" ready; and nearly two hours were consumed in get"Why, I don't rightly know. It worn't a long ting to the end of the stage. Here, however, an obtime ago, nor it worn't a short time ago, just between ject presented itself, which rekindled their hopes, the two, perhaps." and reanimated their drooping spirits. " Has any chaise been by at all?" "When did this chaise come in?" cried old War REALLY MO VING NO W. 59 die, leaping out of his own vehicle, and pointing to utmost speed; and those in Mr. Wardle's galloped one covered with wet mud, which was standing in furiously behind them. the yard. "I see his head," exclaimed the choleric old man. "Not a quarter of an hour ago, sir," replied the "Damme, I see his head." hostler, to whom the question was addressed. "So do I," said Mr. Pickwick, "that's he." "Lady and gentleman?" inquired Wardle, almost Mr. Pickwick was not mistaken. The countebreathless with impatience. nance of Mr. Jingle, completely coated with the mud "Yes, sir." thrown up by the wheels, was plainly discernible at "Tall gentleman-dress-coat-long'legs-thin the window of his chaise; and the motion of his body " arm, which he was waving violently toward the pos"Yes, sir." tilions, denoted that he was encouraging them to "Elderly lady-thin face-rather skinny-eh?" increased exertion. "Yes, sir." The interest was intense. Fields, trees, and "By heavens, it's the couple, Pickwick!" exclaimed hedges, seemed to rush past them with the velocity the old gentleman. of a whirlwind, so rapid was the pace at which they "Would have been here before," said the hostler, tore along. They were close by the side of the first "but they broke a trace." chaise. Jingle's voice could be plainly heard, even " It is!" said Wardle, "it is, by Jove! Chaise-and- above the din of the wheels, urging on the boys. four instantly! We shall catch them yet, before Old Mr. Wardle foamed with rage and excitement. they reach the next stage. A guinea apiece, boys- He roared out scoundrels and villains by the dozen, be alive there-bustle about-there's good fellows." clenched his fist and shook it expressively at the obAnd with such admonitions as these, the old gen- ject of his indignation; but Mr. Jingle only answered tleman ran up and down the yard, and bustled to and with a contemptuous smile, and replied to his menfro, in a state of excitement which communicated it- aces by a shout of triumph, as his horses, answering self to Mr. Pickwick also; and under the influence the increased application of whip and spur, broke of which, that gentleman got himself into compli- into a faster gallop, and left the pursuers behind. cated entanglements with harness, and mixed up Mr. Pickwick had just drawn in his head, and with horses and wheels of chaises, in the most sur- Mr. Wardle, exhausted with shouting, had done the prising manner, firmly believing that by so doing he same, when a tremendous jolt threw them forward was materially forwarding the preparations for their against the front of the vehicle. There was a sudresuming their journey. den bump-a loud crash-away rolled a wheel, and " Jump in-jump in?" cried old Wardle, climbing over went the chaise. into the chaise, pulling up the steps, and slamming After a very few seconds of bewilderment and the door after him. "Come along! Make haste!" confusion, in which nothing but the plunging of And before Mr. Pickwick knew precisely what he horses, and breaking of glass, could be made out, Mr. was about, he felt himself forced in at the other door, Pickwick felt himself violently pulled out from by one pull from the old gentleman, and one push among the ruins of the chaise; and as soon as he from the hostler; and off they were again. had gained his feet, and extricated his head from the " Ah! we are moving now," said the old gentleman skirts of his great-coat, which materially impeded exultingly. They were indeed, as was sufficiently the usefulness of his spectacles, the fall disaster of testified to Mr. Pickwick, by his constant collisions the case met his view. either with the hard wood-work of the chaise, or the Old Mr. Wardle without a hat, and his clothes body of his companion. torn in several places, stood by his side, and the "Hold up!" said the stout old Mr. Wardle, as Mr. fragments of the chaise lay scattered at their feet. Pickwick dived head foremost into his capacious The post-boys, who had succeeded in cutting the waistcoat. traces, were standing, disfigured with mud and dis" I never did feel such a jolting in my life," said ordered by hard riding, by the horses' heads. About Mr. Pickwick. a hundred yards in advance was the other chaise, "Never mind," replied his companion, "it will which had pulled up on hearing the crash. The soon be over. Steady, steady." postilions, each with a broad grin convulsing his Mr. Pickwick planted himself into his own cor- countenance, were viewing the adverse party from ner as firmly as he could; and on whirled the chaise their saddles, and Mr. Jingle was contemplating the faster than ever. wreck from the coach window with evident satisfacThey had traveled in this way about three miles, tion. The day was just breaking, and the' whole when Mr. Wardle, who had been looking out of the scene was rendered perfectly visible by the gray window for two or three minutes, suddenly drew in light of the morning. his face, covered with splashes, and exclaimed in "Halloo!" shouted the shameless Jingle, "any breathless eagerness- body damaged? - elderly gentlemen - no light"Here they are!" weights-dangerous work-very." Mr. Pickwick thrust his head out of his window. "You're a rascal!" roared Wardle. Yes: there was a chaise-and-four, a short distance "Ha! ha!" replied Jingle; and then he added, before them, dashing along at full gallop. with a knowing wink, and a jerk of the thumb to"Go on, go on!" almost shrieked the old gentle- ward the interior of the chaise-" I say-she's very man. "Two guineas apiece, boys-don't let'em well-desires her compliments -begs you won't gain on us-keep it up-keep it up!" trouble yourself-love to Tuppy-won't you get up The horses in the first chaise started on at their behind?- drive on, boys." 60 THE PICKWICK CLUB. The postilions resumed their proper attitudes, and merable veracious legends connected with old Lonaway rattled the chaise, Mr. Jingle fluttering in de- don Bridge, and its adjacent neighborhood on the rision a white handkerchief from the coach-window. Surrey side. Nothing in the whole adventure, not even the It was in the yard of one of these inns-of no less upset, had disturbed the calm and equable current celebrated an one than the White Hart-that a man of Mr. Pickwick's temper. The villainy, however, was busily employed in brushing the dirt off a pair which could first borrow money of his faithful fol- of boots, early on the morning succeeding the events lower, and then abbreviate his name to " Tuppy," narrated in the last chapter. He was habited in a was more than he could patiently bear. He drew coarse-stripbd waistcoat, with black calico sleeves, his breath hard, and colored up to the very tips of and blue glass buttons; drab breeches and leghis spectacles, as he said, slowly and emphatically- gins. A bright red handkerchief was wound in a " If ever I meet that man again, I'll-" very loose and unstudied style round his neck, and " Yes, yes," interrupted Wardle, "that's all very an old white hat was carelessly thrown on one side well; but while we stand talking here, they'll get of his head. There were two rows of boots before their license, and be married in London." him, one cleaned and the other dirty, and at every Mr. Pickwick paused, bottled up his vengeance, addition he made to the clean row, he paused from and corked it down. his work, and contemplated its results with evident "How far is it to the next stage?" inquired Mr. satisfaction. Wardle, of one of the boys. The yard presented none of that bustle and activ" Six mile, an't it, Tom?" ity which are the usual characteristics of a large "Rayther better." coach inn. Three or four lumbering wagons, each "Rayther better nor six mile, sir." with a pile of goods beneath its ample canopy, about "Can't be helped," said Wardle, "we must walk the height of the second-floor window of an ordinary it, Pickwick." house, were stowed away beneath a lofty roof which " No help for it," replied that truly great man. extended over one end of the yard; and another, So sending forward one of the boys on horseback, which was probably to commence its journey that to procure a fresh chaise and horses, and leaving the morning, was drawn out into the open space. A other behind to take care of the broken one, Mr. double tier of bedroom galleries, with old clumsy Pickwick and Mr. Wardle set manfully forward on balustrades, ran round two sides of the straggling the walk, first tying their shawls round their necks, area, and a double row of bells to correspond, sheland slouching down their hats to escape as much as tered from the weather by a little sloping roof, hung possible from the deluge of rain, which after a slight over the door leading to the bar and coffee-room. cessation had again begun to pour heavily down. Two or three gigs and chaise-carts were wheeled up under different little sheds and pent-houses; and the — * — occasional heavy tread of a cart-horse, or rattling of a chain at the farther end of the yard, announced to CHAPTER X. any body who cared about the matter, that the stable lay in that direction. When we add that a few CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS (IF ANY EXISTED) OF THE boys in smock-frocks were lying asleep on heavy boys in smock-frocks were lying asleep on heavy DISINTERESTEDNESS OF MR. JINGLE'S CHARACTER. packages, wool-packs, and other articles that were THERE are in London several old inns, once the scattered about on heaps of straw, we have described head-quarters of celebrated coaches in the days as fully as need be the general appearance of the when coaches performed their journeys in a graver yard of the White Hart Inn, High Street, Borough, and more solemn manner than they do in these on the particular morning in question. times; but which have now degenerated into little A loud ringing of one of the bells, was followed by more than the abiding and booking places of'coun- the appearance of a smart chamber-maid in the uptry wagons. The reader would look in vain for any per sleeping-gallery, who, after tapping at one of the of these ancient hostelries, among the Golden Crosses doors, and receiving a request from within, called and Bull and Mouths, which rear their stately fronts over the balustradesin the improved streets of London. If he would "Sam!" light upon any of these old places, he must direct "Halloo," replied the man with the white hat. his steps to the obscurer quarters of the town; and "Number twenty-two wants his boots." there in some secluded nooks he will find several, still "Ask number twenty-two, wether he'll have'em standing with a kind of gloomy sturdiness, amidst the now, or wait till he gets'em," was the reply. modern innovations which surround them. "Come, don't be a fool, Sam," said the girl, coaxIn the Borough especially, there still remain some ingly, "the gentleman wants his boots directly." half-dozen old inns, which have preserved their ex- "Well, you are a nice young'ooman for a musical ternal features unchanged, and which have escaped party, you are," said the boot-cleaner. "Look at alike the rage for public improvement, and the en- these here boots-eleven pair o' boots; and one shoe croachments of private speculation. Great, ram- as b'longs to number six, with the wooden leg. The bling, queer, old places they are, with galleries, and eleven boots is to be called at half-past eight and passages, and staircases, wide enough and antiquated the shoe at nine. Who's number twenty-two, that's enough to furnish materials for a hundred ghost sto- to put all the others out? No, no; reg'lar rotation, ries, supposing we should ever be reduced to the as Jack Ketch said, wen he tied the men up. Sorry lamentable necessity of inventing any, and that the to keep you a-waitin', sir, but I'll attend to you diworld should exist long enough to exhaust the innu- rectly." MR. SAMUEL WELLER RELATES AN ANECDOTE. 61 Saying which, the man in the white hat set to they never dreamed of. My father, sir, wos a coachwork upon a top-boot with increased assiduity. man. A widower he wos, and fat enough for any There was another loud ring; and the bustling thing-uncommon fat, to be sure. His missus dies, old landlady of the White Hart made her appearance and leaves him four hundred pound. Down he goes in the opposite gallery. to the Commons, to see the lawyer and draw the "Sam," cried the landlady, "where's that lazy, blunt-wery smart-top-boots on-nosegay in his idle-why, Sam-oh, there you are; why don't you button-hole-broad-brimmed tile-green shawlanswer?" quite the gen'lm'n. Goes through the archway, "Wouldn't be gen-teel to answer,'til you'd done thinking how he should inwest the money- up talking," replied Sam, gruffly. comes the touter, touches his hat-' License, sir, li" Here, clean them shoes for number seventeen di- cense?' —' What's that?' says my father.-' License, rectly, and take'em to private sitting-room, number sir,' says he.-' What license?' says my father.-' Marfive, first-floor." riage license,' says the touter.-' Dash my veskit,' The landlady flung a pair of lady's shoes into the says my father,' I never thought o' that.'-' I think yard, and bustled away. you wants one, sir,' says the touter. My father pulls "Number 5," said Sam, as he picked up the shoes, up, and thinks abit-' No,' says he,'damme, I'm too and taking a piece of chalk from his pocket, made old, b'sides I'm a many sizes too large,' says he.-' Not a memorandum of their destination on the soles- a bit on it, sir,' says the touter.-' Think not?' says "Lady's shoes and private sittin'-room! I suppose my father.-' I'm sure not,' says he;'we married a she didn't come in the waggin." gem'lm'n twice your size, last Monday.'-' Did you, " She came in early this morning," cried the girl, though,' said my father.-' To be sure, we did,' says who was still leaning over the railing of the gallery, the touter,' you're a babby to him-this way, sir"with a gentleman in a hackney-coach, and it's him this way!'-and sure enough my father walks arter as wants his boots, and you'd better do'em, that's all him, like a tame monkey behind a horgan, into a litabout it." tle back office, vere a feller sat among dirty papers "Vy didn't you say so before," said Sam, with and tin boxes, making believe he was busy.'Pray great indignation, singling out the boots in ques- take a seat, vile I makes out the affidavit, sir,' says tion from the heap before him. " For all I know'd the lawyer. - Thankee, sir,' says my father, and he vas one o' the regular three-pennies. Private down he sat, and stared with all his eyes, and his room! and a lady too! If he's any thing of a gen- mouth vide open, at the names on the boxes.'lm'n, he's worth a shillin' a day, let alone the ar-'What's your name, sir,' says the lawyer.-' Tony rands." Weller,' says my father.-' Parish?' says the lawyer. Stimulated by this inspiring reflection, Mr. Sam- —'Belle Savage,' says my father; for he stopped uel brushed away with such hearty good-will, that there wen he drove up, and he know'd nothing about in a few minutes the boots and shoes, with a polish parishes, he didn't.-'And what's the lady's name?' which would have struck envy to the soul of the says the lawyer. My father was struck all of a amiable Mr. Warren (for they used Day and Martin heap.'Blessed if I know,' says he.-'Not know!' at the White Hart), had arrived at the door of num- says the lawyer.-' No more nor you do,' says my faber five. ther;' can't I put that in arterward?'-' Impossible!' " Come in," said a man's voice, in reply to Sam's says the lawyer.-' Wery well,' says my father, after rap at the door. he'd thought a moment,'put down Mrs. Clarke.'Sam made his best bow, and stepped into the pres-'What Clarke?' says the lawyer, dipping his pen in ence of a lady and gentleman seated at breakfast. the ink.-' Susan Clarke, Markis o' Granby, Dorking,' Having officiously deposited the gentleman's boots says my father;' she'll have me, if I ask, I des-sayright and left at his feet, and the lady's shoes right I never said nothing to her, but she'll have me, I and left at hers, he backed toward the door. know.' The license was made out, and she did have "Boots," said the gentleman. him, and what's more she's got him now; and I nev" Sir," said Sam, closing the door, and keeping his er had anr of the four hundred pound, worse luck. hand on the knob of the lock. Beg your pardon, sir," said Sam, when he had con"Do you know-what's-a-name-Doctors' Cor- eluded, "but wen I gets on this here grievance, I mons " runs on like a new barrow with the vheel greased." " Yes, sir." Having said which, and having paused for an instant "Where is it?" to see whether he was wanted for any thing more, "Paul's Church-yard, sir; low archway on the Sam left the room. carriage-side, booksellers at one corner, hot-el on the " Half-past nine-just the time-off at once," said other, and two porters in the middle as touts for li- the gentleman, whom we need hardly introduce as censes."Mr. Jingle. " Touts for licenses!" said the gentleman. " Time-for what?" said the spinster aunt, coquet"Touts for licenses," replied Sam. "Two coves tishly. in vhite aprons-touches their hats wen you walk "License, dearest of angels-give notice at the in-'License, sir, license?' Queer sort, them, and church-call you mine, to-morrow "-said Mr. Jintheir mas'rs too, sir - Old Bailey Proctors-and no gle, and he squeezed the spinster aunt's hand. mistake." "The license!" said Rachael, blushing. " What do they do?" inquired the gentleman. "The license," repeated Mr. Jingle"Do! You, sir! That an't the wost on it, nei- "In hurry, post-haste for a license, ther. They puts things into old gen'lm'n's heads as In hurry, ding-dong I come back." 62 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "How you run on," said Rachael. and seals, depended from his fob. He carried his "Run on-nothing to the hours, days, weeks, black kid gloves in his hands, not on them; and as months, years, when we're united-run on-they'll he spoke, thrust his wrists beneath his coat-tails, fly on - bolt - mizzle - steam-engine - thousand- with the air of a man who was in the habit of prohorse power-nothing to it." pounding some regular posers. " Can't - can't we be married before to-morrow " Pretty busy, eh?" said the little man. morning?" inquired Rachael." Oh, werry well, sir," replied Sam, "we sha'n't be " Impossible-can't be-notice at the church- bankrupts, and we sha'n't make our fort'ns. We eats leave the license to-day-ceremony come off to-mor- our biled mutton without capers, and don't care for row." horse-radish wen ve can get beef." " I am so terrified, lest my brother should discover "Ah,' said the little man, "you're a wag, an't us!" said Rachael. you?" "Discover-nonsense-too much shaken by the "My eldest brother was troubled with that combreakdown-besides-extreme caution-gave up plaint," said Sam; "it may be catching-I used the post-chaise-walked on-took a hackney-coach to sleep with him." -came to the Borough-last place in the world that "This is a curious old house of yours," said the lithe'd look in-ha! ha!-capital notion that-very." tle man, looking round him. " Don't be long," said the spinster, affectionately, "If you'd sent word you was a-coming, we'd ha' as Mr. Jingle stuck the pinched-up hat on his head. had it repaired," replied the imperturbable Sam. " Long away from you?-Cruel charmer," and Mr. The little man seemed rather baffled by these sevJingle skipped playfully up to the spinster aunt, eral repulses, and a short consultation took place beimprinted a chaste kiss upon her lips, and danced tween him and the two plump gentlemen. At its out of the room. conclusion, the little man took a pinch of snuff from " Dear man!" said the spinster as the door closed an oblong silver box, and was apparently on the after him. point of renewing the conversation, when one of the "Rum old girl," said Mr. Jingle, as he walked plump gentlemen, who in addition to a benevolent down the passage. countenance, possessed a pair of spectacles, and a It is painful to reflect upon the perfidy of our spe- pair of black gaiters, interferedcies; and we will not, therefore, pursue the thread "The fact of the matter is," said the benevolent of Mr. Jingle's meditations, as he wended his way to gentleman, "that my friend here (pointing to the Doctors' Commons. It will be sufficient for our pur- other plump gentleman) will give you half a guinea, pose to relate, that escaping the snares of the drag- if you'll answer one or two-" ons in white aprons, who guard the entrance to that " Now, my dear sir-my dear sir," said the little enchanted region, he reached the Vicar-general's of- man, "pray, allow me-my dear sir, the very first fice in safety, and having procured a highly flatter- principle to be observed in these cases, is this: if ing address on parchment, from the Archbishop of you place a matter in the hands of a professional Canterbury, to his " trusty and well-beloved Alfred man, you must in no way interfere in the progress of Jingle and Rachael Wardle, greeting," he carefully the business; you must repose implicit confidence in deposited the mystic document in his pocket, and re- him. Really, Mr. (he turned to the other plump gentraced his steps in triumph to the Borough. tleman, and said)-I forget your friend's name." He was yet on his way to the White Hart, when " Pickwick," said Mr. Wardle, for it was no other two plump gentlemen and one thin one entered the than that jolly personage. yard, and looked round in search of some authorized "Ah, Pickwick-really Mr. Pickwick, my dear person of whom they could make a few inquiries. sir, excuse me-I shall be happy to receive any priMr. Samuel Weller happened to be at that moment vate suggestions of yours, as amicus curic, but you engaged in burnishing a pair of painted tops, the per- must see the impropriety of your interfering with sonal property of a farmer who was refreshing him- my conduct in this case, with such an ad captandum self with a slight lunch of two or three pounds of argument as the offer of half a guinea. Really, my cold beef and a pot or two of porter, after the fatigues dear sir, really;" and the little man took an arguof the Borough market; and to him the thin gentle- mentative pinch of snuff, and looked very profound. man straightway advanced. "My only wish, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, "was to "My friend," said the thin gentleman. bring this very unpleasant matter to as speedy a "You're one o' the adwice gratis order," thought close as possible." Sam," or you wouldn't be so werry fond o' me all at " Quite right-quite right," said the little man. once." But he only said-" Well, sir." "With which view," continued Mr. Pickwick, "I " My friond," said the thin gentleman, with a con- made use of the argument which my experience of ciliatory hem-"have you got many people stop- men has taught me is the most likely to succeed in ping here, now? Pretty busy. Eh?" any case." Sam stole a look at the inquirer. He was a little "Ay, ay," said the little man,'very good, very high-dried man, with a dark squeezed-up face, and good, indeed but you should have suggested it to small restless black eyes, that kept winking and me. My dear sir, I'm quite certain you can not be twinkling on each side of his little inquisitive nose, ignorant of the extent of confidence which must be as if they were playing a perpetual game of peep-bo placed in professional men. If any authority can with that feature. He was dressed all in black, with be necessary on such a point, my dear sir, let me reboots as shiny as his eyes, a low white neckcloth, and fer you to the well-known case in Barnwell and-" a clean shirt with a frill to it. A gold watch-chain, " Never mind George Barnwell," interrupted Sam, DIPLOMACY WITH MR. WELLER. 63 who had remained a wondering listener during this "Is this the room?" murmured the little gentleshort colloquy; "every body knows vhat sort of a man. case he was, tho' it's always been my opinion, mind Sam nodded assent. you, that the young'ooman deserved scragging a Old Wardle opened the door; and the whole three precious sight more than he did. Hows'ever, that's walked into the room just as Mr. Jingle, who had neither here nor there. You want me to except of that moment returned, had produced the license to half a guinea. Werry well, I'm agreeable: I can't the spinster aunt. say no fairer than that, can I, sir? (Mr. Pickwick The spinster uttered a loud shriek, and, throwing smiled.) Then the next question is, what the devil herself in a chair, covered her face with her hands. do you want with me, as the man said wen he see Mr. Jingle crumpled up the license, and thrust it the ghost?" into his coat-pocket. The unwelcome visitors ad" We want to know-" said Mr. Wardle. vanced into the middle of the room. "Now my dear sir-my dear sir," interposed the " You-you are a nice rascal, arn't you?" exclaimbusy little man. ed Wardle, breathless with passion. Mr. Wardle shrugged his shoulders, and was si- "My dear sir, my dear sir," said the little man, lent. laying his hat on the table. " Pray, consider-pray. "We want to know," said the little man, solemn- Defamation of character: action for damages. Calm ly; " and we ask the question of you, in order that yourself, my dear sir, pray-" we may not awaken apprehensions inside-we want "How dare you drag my sister from my house?" to know who you've got in this house, at present?" said the old man. "Who there is in the house!" said Sam, in whose "Ay-ay-very good," said the little gentleman, mind the inmates were always represented by that "you may ask that. How dare you, sir?-eh, sir?" particular article of their costume, which came un- " Who the devil are you?" inquired Mr. Jingle, in der his immediate superintendence. "There's a so fierce a tone, that the little gentleman involuntawooden leg in number six; there's a pair of Hessians rily fell back a step or two. in thirteen; there's two pair of halves in the com- "Who is he, you scoundrel," interposed Wardle. mercial; there's these here painted tops in the snug- "He's my lawyer, Mr. Perker, of Gray's Inn. Perker, gery inside the bar; and five more tops in the coffee- I'll have this fellow prosecuted-indicted-I'll-I'll room." -I'll ruin him. And you," continued Mr. Wardle, " Nothing more?" said the little man. turning abruptly round to his sister, " you, Rachael, "Stop a bit," replied Sam, suddenly recollecting at a time of life when you ought to know better, himself. "Yes; there's a pair of Wellingtons a what do you mean by running away with a vagagood deal worn, and a pair o' lady's shoes, in num- bond, disgracing your family, and making yourself ber five." miserable. Get on your bonnet, and come back. "What sort of shoes?" hastily inquired Wardle, Call a hackney-coach there, directly, and bring this who, together with Mr. Pickwick, had been lost in lady's bill, d'ye hear-d'ye hear?" bewilderment at the singular catalogue of visitors. "Cert'nly, sir," replied Sam, who had answered "Country make," replied Sam. Wardle's violent ringing of the bell with a degree "Any maker's name?" of celerity which must have appeared marvelous to "Brown." any body who didn't know that his eye had been "Where of?" applied to the outside of the key-hole during the " Muggleton." whole interview. "It is them," exclaimed Wardle. "By heavens, " Get on your bonnet," repeated Wardle. we've found them." "Do nothing of the kind," said Jingle. "Leave "Hush!" said Sam. "The Wellingtons has gone the room, sir-no business here-lady's free to act to Doctors' Commons." as she pleases-more than one-and-twenty." "No," said the little man. "More than one-and-twenty!" ejaculated Wardle, "Yes, for a license." contemptuously. "More than one-and-forty!" " We're in time," exclaimed Wardle. " Show us "I an't," said the spinster aunt, her indignation the room; not a moment is to be lost." getting the better of her determination to faint. "Pray, my dear sir-pray," said the little man; "You are," replied Wardle, "you're fifty if you're "caution, caution." -He drew from his pocket a red an hour." silk purse, and looked very hard at Sam as he drew Here the spinster aunt uttered a loud shriek, and out a sovereign. became senseless. Sam grinned expressively. "A glass of water," said the humane Mr. Pickwick, " Show us into the room at once, without announ- summoning the landlady. cing us," said the little man, "and it's yours." "A glass of water!" said the passionate Wardle. Sam threw the painted tops into a corner, and led " Bring a bucket, and throw it all over her; it'll do the way through a dark passage, and up a wide her good, and she richly deserves it." staircase. He paused at the end of a second pas- "Ugh, you brute!" ejaculated the kind-hearted sage, and held out his hand. landlady. "Poor dear." And with sundry ejacu"Here it is," whispered the attorney, as he depos- lations, of "Come now, there's a dear-drink a little ited the money in the hand of their guide. of this —it'll do you good-don't give way so-there's The man stepped forward for a few paces, follow- a love," etc., etc., the landlady, assisted by a chambered by the two friends and their legal adviser. He maid, proceeded to vinegar the forehead, beat the stopped at a door. hands, titillate the nose, and unlace the stays of the 64 THE PICKWICK CLUB. spinster aunt, and to administer such other restora- distressing case-very; I never knew one more so; tives as are usually applied by compassionate fe- but really, my dear sir, really we have no power to males to ladies who are endeavoring to ferment control this lady's actions. I warned you before we themselves into hysterics. came, my dear sir, that there was nothing to look to " Coach is ready, sir," said Sam appearing at the but a compromise." door. There was a short pause. "Come along," cried Wardle. "I'll carry her "What kind of compromise would you recomdown stairs." mend?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. At this proposition, the hysterics came on with re- "Why, my dear sir, our friend's in an unpleasant doubled violence. position —very much so. We must be content to The landlady was about to enter a very violent suffer some pecuniary loss." protest against this proceeding, and had already "I'll suffer any, rather than submit to this disI: "1S THIS THE ROOM?" MURMURED THE LITTLE GENTLEMAN. SAM NODDED ASSENT. given vent to an indignant inquiry whether Mr. War- grace, and let her, fool as she is, be made miserable dle considered himself a lord of the creation, when for life," said Wardle. Mr. Jingle interposed- "I rather think it can be done," said the bustling " Boots," said he, "get me an officer." little man. " Mr. Jingle, will you step with us into "Stay, stay," said little Mr. Perker. "Consider, the next room for a moment?" sir, consider." Mr. Jingle assented, and the quartette walked into " I'll not consider," replied Jingle. "She's her an empty apartment. own mistress-see who dares to take her away-un- "Now, sir," said the little man, as he carefully less she wishes it." closed the door, " is there no way of accommodating " I won't be taken away," murmured the spinster this matter-step this way, sir, for a moment-into aunt. " I don't wish it." (Here there was a fright- this window, sir, where we can be alone-there, sir, ful relapse.) there, pray sit down, sir. Now, my dear sir, between "My dear sir," said the little man, it a low tone, you and I, we know very well, my dear sir, that you taking Mr. Wardle and Mr. Pickwick apart: "my have run off with this lady for the sake of her dear sir, we're in a very awkward situation. It's a money. Don't frown, sir, don't frown; I say, be. TENDING TOWARD A COMPROMISE. 65 tween you and I, we know it. We are both men of "and we can get the lady away, meanwhile." Mr. the world, and we know very well that our friends Wardle sullenly nodded assent. here are not-eh?" "A hundred," said the little man. Mr. Jingle's face gradually relaxed; and some- "And twenty," said Mr. Jingle. thing distantly resembling a wink quivered for an "My dear sir," remonstrated the little man. instant in his left eye. "Give it him," interposed Mr. Wardle, "and let "Very good, very good," said the little man, ob- him go." serving the impression he had made. " Now the fact The check was written by the little gentleman, is, that beyond a few hundreds, the lady has little or and pocketed by Mr. Jingle. nothing till the death of her mother-fine old lady, "Now, leave this house instantly!" said Wardle, my dear sir." starting up. " Old," said Mr. Jingle, briefly but emphatically. "My dear sir," urged the little man. "Why, yes," said the attorney with a slight cough. "And mind," said Mr. Wardle, "that nothing "You are right, my dear sir, she is rather old. She should have induced me to make this compromisecomes of an old family though, my dear sir; old in not even a regard for my family-if I had not known every sense of the word. The founder of that family that the moment you got any money in that pocket came into Kent, when Julius Caesar invaded Britain; of yours, you'd go to the devil faster, if possible, than -only one member of it, since, who hasn't lived to you would without it-" eighty-five, and he was beheaded by one of the Hen- "My dear sir," urged the little man again. rys. The old lady is not seventy-three now, my dear "Be quiet, Perker," resumed Wardle. -" Leave the sir." The little man paused, and took a pinch of room, sir." snuff. "Off directly," said the unabashed Jingle. "Bye"Well," cried Mr. Jingle. bye, Pickwick." "Well, my dear sir-you don't taKe snuff!-ah! If any dispassionate spectator could have beheld so much the better-expensive habit-well, my dear the countenance of the illustrious man, whose name sir, you're a fine young man, man of the world-able forms the leading feature of the title of this work, to push your fortune, if you had capital, eh?" during the latter part of this conversation, he would Well," said Mr. Jingle again. have been almost induced to wonder that the indig" Do you comprehend me?" nant fire which flashed from his eyes did not melt "Not quie." the glasses of his spectacles-so majestic was his "Don't you think-now, my dear sir, I put it to wrath. His nostrils dilated, and his fists clenched you, don't you think —that fifty pounds and liberty, involuntarily, as he heard himself addressed by the would be better than Miss Wardle and expectation?" villain. But he restrained himself again-he did "Won't do-not half enough!" said Mr. Jingle not pulverize him. rising. "Here," continued the hardened traitor, tossing "Nay, nay, my dear sir," remonstrated the little the license at Mr. Pickwick's feet; "get the name attorney, seizing him by the button. "Good round altered-take home the lady-do for Tuppy." sum-a man like you could treble it in no time- Mr. Pickwick was a philosopher, but philosophers great deal to be done with fifty pounds, my dear sir." are only men in armor, after all. The shaft had "More to be done with a hundred and fifty," re- reached him, penetrated through his philosophical plied Mr. Jingle, coolly. harness, to his very heart. In the frenzy of his rage, " Well, my dear sir, we won't waste time in split- he hurled the inkstand madly forward, and followed ting straws," resumed the little man," say-say- it up himself. But Mr. Jingle had disappeared, and seventy." he found himself caught in the arms of Sam. "Won't do," said Mr. Jingle. "Halloo," said that eccentric functionary, " furni"Don't go away, my dear sir-pray don't hurry," ter's cheap were you come from, sir. Self-acting said;the little man. "Eighty; come: I'll write you ink, that'ere: it's wrote your mark upon the wall, a check at once." old gen'lm'n. Hold still, sir: wot's the use o' run"Won't do," said Mr. Jingle. nin' arter a man as has made his lucky, and got to "Well'my dear sir, well," said the little man, still t' other end of the Borough by this time." detaining him; "just tell me what will do." Mr. Pickwick's mind, like those of all truly great " Expensive affair," said Mr. Jingle. " Money out men, was open to conviction. He was a quick, and of pocket-posting, nine pounds; license, three- powerful reasoner; and a moment's reflection sufthat's twelve-compensation, a hundred-hundred ficed to remind him of the impotency of his rage. and twelve -breach of honor-and loss of the It subsided as quickly as it had been roused. He lady —" panted for breath, and looked benignantly round "Yes, my dear sir, yes," said the little man with upon his friends. a, knowing look, "never mind the last two items. Shall we tell the lamentations that ensued, when That's a hundred and twelve —ay a hundred- Miss Wardle found herself deserted by the faithless come." Jingle? Shall we extract Mr. Pickwick's masterly "And twenty," said Mr. Jingle. description of that heart-rending scene.? His note"Come, come, I'll write you a cheek," said the book, blotted with the tears of sympathizing hulittle man; and down he sat at the table for that manity, lies open before us; one word, and it is in purpose. the printer's hands. But, no! we will be resolute! "I'll make it payable the day after to-morrow," We will not wring the public bosom, with the desaid the little man, with a look toward Mr. Wardle; lineation of such suffering! 5 66 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Slowly and sadly did the two friends and the de- served to increase. He shortly afterward disappearserted lady, return next day in the Muggleton heavy ed; he was missing during the whole day, and in the coach. Dimly and darkly had the sombre shadows evening this letter was brought by the hostler from of a summer's night fallen upon all around, when the Crown, at Muggleton. It had been left in his they again reached Dingley Dell, and stood within charge in the morning, with a strict injunction that the entrance to Manor Farm. it should not be delivered until night. Mr. Pickwick opened the epistle. It was in his *~ —-t~ —-friend's handwriting, and these were its contents: CHAPTER XI. "MY DEAR PICKWICK,"You, my dear friend, are placed far beyond the INVOLVING ANOTHER JOURNEY, AND AN ANTIQUA- reach of many mortal frailties and weaknesses which RIAN DISCOVERY.- RECORDING MR. PICKWICK'S RIAN DISCOVERY.RECORDIG MR. ICWICK ordinary people can not overcome. You do not know DETERMINATION TO BE PRESENT AT AN ELEC- what it is, at one blow, to be deserted by a lovely and TION; AND CONTAINING A MANUSCRIPT OF THE fascinating creature, and to fall a victim to the artiOLD CLERGYMAN'S. fices of a villain, who hid the grin of cunning beNIGHT of quiet and repose in the profound si- neath the mask of friendship. I hope you never lence of Dingley Dell, and an hour's breathing may. of its fresh and fragrant air on the ensuing morning, "Any letter, addressed to me at the Leather Botcompletely recovered Mr. Pickwick from the effects tie, Cobham, Kent, will be forwarded-supposing I of his late fatigue of body and anxiety of mind. still exist. I hasten from the sight of that world, That illustrious man had been separated from his which has become odious to me. Should I hasten friends and followers, for two whole days; and it from it altogether, pity-forgive me. Life, my dear was with a degree of pleasure and delight, which no Pickwick, has become insupportable to me. The common imagination can adequately conceive, that spirit which burns within us, is a porter's knot on he stepped forward to greet Mr. Winkle and Mr. which to rest the heavy load of worldly cares and Snodgrass, as he encountered those gentlemen on his troubles; and when that spirit fails us, the burden return from his early walk. The pleasure was mu- is too heavy to be borne. We sink beneath it. You tual; for who could ever gaze on Mr. Pickwick's may tell Rachael-Ah, that name!beaming face without experiencing the sensation? "TRACY TUPMAN." But still a cloud seemed to hang over his compan-, ions which that great man could not but be sensible "We must leave this place, directly," said Mr. of, and was wholly at a loss to account for. There Pickwick, as he refolded the note. "It would not was a mysterious air about them both, as unusual as have been decent for us to remain here, under any it was alarming. circumstances, after what has happened; and now "And how," said Mr. Pickwick, when he had we are bound to follow in search of our friend." grasped his followers by the hand, and exchanged And so saying, he led the way to the house. warm salutations of welcome; "how is Tupman?" His intention was rapidly communicated. The Mr. Winkle, to whom the question was more pe- entreaties to remain were pressing,but Mr.Pickwick culiarly addressed, made no reply. He turned away was inflexible. Business, he said, required his imhis head, and appeared absorbed in melancholy re- mediate attendance. flection. The old clergyman was present. " Snodgrass," said Mr. Pickwick, earnestly, "how "You are not really going?" said he, taking Mr. is our friend-he is not ill?" Pickwick aside. "No," replied Mr. Snodgrass; and a tear trembled Mr. Pickwick reiterated his former determination. on his sentimental eyelid, like a rain-drop on a win- "Then here," said the old gentleman, "is a little dow-frame. " No; he is not ill." manuscript, which I had hoped to have the pleasure Mr. Pickwick stopped, and gazed on each of his of reading to you myself. I found it on the death friends in turn. of a friend of mine-a medical man, engaged in our " Winkle-Snodgrass," said Mr. Pickwick; " what County Lunatic Asylum-among a variety of papers, does this mean? Where is our friend? What has which I had the option of destroying or preserving, happened? Speak-I conjure, I entreat-nay, I as I thought proper. I can hardly believe that the command you, speak." manuscript is genuine, though it certainly is not in There was a solemnity-a dignity-in Mr. Pick- my friend's hand. However, whether it be the genwick's manner, not to be withstood. nine production of a maniac, or founded upon the "He is gone," said Mr. Snodgrass. ravings of some unhappy being (which I think more "Gone!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. " Gone!" probable), read it, and judge for yourself." "Gone," repeated Mr. Snodgrass. Mr. Pickwick received the manuscript, and parted "Where?" ejaculated Mr. Pickwick. from the benevolent old gentleman with many ex"We can only guess, from that communication," pressions of good-will and esteem. replied Mr. Snodgrass, taking a letter from his pock- It was a more difficult task to take leave of the et, and placing it in his friend's hand. "Yesterday inmates of Manor Farm, from whom they had remorning, when a letter was received from Mr. War- ceived so much hospitality and kindness. Mr. Pickdie, stating that you would be home with his sister wick kissed the young ladies-we were going to say, at night, the melancholy which had hung over our as if they were his own daughters, only as he might friend during the whole of the previous day, was ob- possibly have infused a little more warmth into the MR. TUPMAN'S RETREAT. 67 salutation, the comparison would not be quite appro- portraits and roughly-colored prints of some antiquipriate-hugged the old lady with filial cordiality: ty. At the upper end of the room was a table, with and patted the rosy cheeks of the female servants in a white cloth upon it, well covered with a roast a most patriarchal manner, as he slipped into the fowl, bacon, ale, and et'ceteras; and at the table sat hands of each some more substantial expression of Mr. Tupman, looking as unlike a man who had taken his approval. The exchange of cordialities with his leave of the world, as possible. their fine olA host and Mr. Trundle, was even more On the entrance of his friends, that gentleman laid hearty and prolonged; and it was not until Mr. down his knife and fork, and with a mournful air Snodgrass had been several times called for, and at advanced to meet them. last emerged from a dark passage followed soon af- "I did not expect to see you here," he said, as he ter by Emily (whose bright eyes looked unusually grasped Mr. Pickwick's hand. " It's very kind." dim), that the three friends were enabled to tear "Ah!" said Mr. Pickwick, sitting down, and wipthemselves from their friendly entertainers. Many ing from his forehead the perspiration which the a backward look they gave at the Farm, as they walk had engendered. " Finish your dinner, and walked slowly away: and many a kiss did Mr. Snod- walk out with me. I wish to speak to you alone." grass waft in the air, in acknowledgment of some- Mr. Tupman did as he was desired; and Mr. Pickthing very like a lady's handkerchief, which was wick having refreshed himself with a copious waved from one of the upper windows, until a turn draught of ale, waited his friend's leisure. The dinof the lane hid the old house from their sight. ner was quickly dispatched, and they walked out At Muggleton they procured a conveyance to Roch- together. ester. By the time they reached the last-named For half an hour, their forms might have been place, the violence of their grief had sufficiently seen pacing the church-yard to and fro, while Mr. abated to admit of their making a very excellent Pickwick was engaged in combating his companion's early dinner; and having procured the necessary in- resolution. Any repetition of his arguments would formation relative to the road, the three friends set be useless; for what language could convey to them forward again in the afternoon to walk to Cobham. that energy and force which their great originator's A delightful walk it was: for it was a pleasant manner communicated? Whether Mr. Tupman was afternoon in June, and their way lay through a deep already tired of retirement, or whether he was wholand shady wood, cooled by the light wind which ly unable to resist the eloquent appeal which was gently rustled the thick foliage, and enlivened by made to him, matters not; he did not resist it at the songs of the birds that perched upon the boughs. last. The ivy and the moss crept in thick clusters over "It mattered little to him,"'he said, "where he the old trees, and the soft green turf overspread the dragged out the miserable remainder of his days: ground like a silken mat. They emerged upon an and since his friend laid so much stress upon his open park, with an ancient hall, displaying the quaint humble companionship, he was willing to share his and picturesque architecture of Elizabeth's time. adventures." Long vistas of stately oaks and elm-trees appeared Mr. Pickwick smiled; they shook hands; and on every side: large herds of deer were cropping the walked back to rejoin their companions. fresh.grass; and occasionally a startled hare scoured It was at this moment that Mr. Pickwick made along the ground, with the speed of the shadows that immortal discovery, which has been the pride thrown by the light clouds which swept across a and boast of his friends, and the envy of every ansunny landscape like a passing breath of summer. tiquarian in this or any other country. They had "If this," said Mr. Pickwick, looking about him, passed the door of their inn, and walked a little way "if this were the place to which all who are trou- down the village, before they recollected the precise bled with our friend's complaint came, I fancy their spot in which it stood. As they turned back, Mr. old attachment to this world would very soon re- Pickwick's eye fell upon a small broken stone, parturn." tially buried in the ground, in front of a cottage "I think so too," said Mr. Winkle. door. He paused. "And really," added Mr. Pickwick, after half an "This is very strange," said Mr. Pickwick. hour's'walking had brought them to the village, "What is strange?" inquired Mr. Tupman, staring "really, for a misanthrope's choice, this is one of the eagerly at every object near him, but the right one. prettiest and most desirable places of residence I "God bless me, what's the matter?" ever met with." This last was an ejaculation of irrepressible astonIn this opinion, also, both Mr. Winkle and Mr. ishment, occasioned by seeing Mr. Pickwick, in his Snodgrass expressed their concurrence; and having enthusiasm for discovery, fall on his knees before been directed to the Leathern Bottle, a clean and the little stone, and commence wiping the dust off it commodious village ale-house, the three travelers with his pocket-handkerchief. entered, and at once inquired for a gentleman of the "There is an inscription here," said Mr. Pickwick. name of Tupman. "Is it possible?" said Mr. Tupman. " Show the gentlemen into the parlor, Tom," said "I can discern," continued Mr. Pickwick, rubbing the landlady. away with all his might, and gazing intently through A stout country lad opened a door at the end of his spectacles: " I can discern a cross, and a B, and the passage, and the three friends entered a long, then a T. This is important," continued Mr. Picklow-roofed room, furnished with a large number of wick, starting up. " This is some very old inscriphigh-backed leather-cushioned chairs of fantastic tion, existing perhaps long before the ancient almsshapes, and embellished with a great variety of old houses in this place. It must not be lost." 68 THE PICKWICK CLUB. He tapped at the cottage door. A laboring man er, was received with unanimous applause. Having opened it. himself deposited the important stone in a small deal "Do you know how this stone came here, my box, purchased from the landlady for the purpose, friend?" inquired the benevolent Mr. Pickwick. he placed;himself in an arm- chair at the head of the " No, I doan't sir," replied the man civilly. "It table; and the evening was devoted to festivity and was here long afore I war born, or any on us." conversation. Mr. Pickwick glanced triumphantly at his com- It was past eleven o'clock-a late hour for the litpanion. tle village of Cobham-when Mr. Pickwick retired "You-you-are not particularly attached to it, I to the bedroom which had been prepared for his redare say," said Mr. Pickwick, trembling with anxi- ception. He threw open the lattice-window, and ety. " You wouldn't mind selling it, now?" setting his light upon the table, fell into a train of "Ah! but who'd buy it?" inquired the man, with meditation on the hurried events of the two precedan expression of face which he probably meant to be ing days. very cunning. The hour and the place were both favorable to con"I'll give you ten shillings for it, at once," said templation; Mr. Pickwick was roused by the churchMr. Pickwick, " if you would take it up for me." clock striking twelve. The first stroke of the hour The astonishment of the village may be easily im- sounded solemnly in his ear, but when the bell agined, when (the little stone having been raised ceased the stillness seemed insupportable;-he alwith one wrench of a spade), Mr. Pickwick, by dint most felt as if he had lost a companion. He was of great personal exertion, bore it with his own nervous and excited; and hastily undressing himself hands to the inn, and after having carefully washed and placing his light in the chimney, got into bed. it, deposited it on the table. Every one has experienced that disagreeable state The exultation and joy of the Pickwickians knew of mind, in which a sensation of bodily weariness in no bounds, when their patience and assiduity, their vain contends against an inability to sleep. It was washing and scraping, were crowned with success. Mr. Pickwick's condition at this moment; he tossed The stone was uneven and broken, and the letters first on one side and then on the other; and persewere straggling and irregular, but the following veringly closed his eyes as if to coax himself to slumfragment of an inscription was clearly to be deci- ber. It was of no use. Whether it was the unwontphered: ed exertion he had undergone, or the heat, or the + brandy-and-water, or the strange bed-whatever it B. I L S T was, his thoughts kept reverting very uncomfortably U M to the grim pictures down stairs, and the old stories P S H I to which they had given rise in the course of the S. M, evening. After half an hour's tumbling about, he A R K came to the unsatisfactory conclusion, that it was of no use trying to sleep; so he got up and partially Mr. Pickwick's eyes sparkled with delight, as he dressed himself. Any thing, he thought, was better sat and gloated over the treasure he had discovered. than lying there fancying all kinds of horrors. He He had attained one of the greatest objects of his looked out of the window-it was very dark. He ambition. In a county known to abound in remains walked about the room-it was very lonely. of the early ages; in a village in which there still: He had taken a few turns from the door to the existed some memorials of the olden time, he - he, window, and from the window to the door, when the the, Chairman of the Pickwick Club-had discovered clergyman's manuscript for the first time entered his a strange and curious inscription of unquestionable head. It was a good thought. If it failed to interantiquity, which had wholly escaped the observa- est him, it might send him to sleep. He took it from tion of the many learned men who had preceded him. his coat-pocket, and drawing a small table toward He could hardly trust the evidence of his senses. his bedside, trimmed the light, put on his spectacles, "This-this," said he, "determines me. We re- and composed himself to read. It was a strange turn to town to-morrow." handwriting, and the paper was much soiled and " To-morrow!" exclaimed his admiring followers. blotted. The title gave him a sudden start, too; and " To-morrow," said Mr. Pickwick. "This treasure he could not avoid casting a wistful glance round must be at once deposited where it can be thorough- the room. Reflecting on the absurdity of giving ly investigated, and properly understood. I have way to such feelings, however, he trimmed the light another reason for this step. In a few days, an elec- again, and read as follows: tion is to take place for the borough of Eatanswill, at which Mr. Perker, a gentleman whom I lately A MADMAN'S MANUSCRIPT. met, is the agent of one of the candidates. We will "Yes! - a madman's! How that word would behold, and minutely examine, a scene so interesting have struck to my heart, many years ago! How it to every Englishman." would have roused the terror that used to come upon "We will," was the animated cry of three voices. me sometimes; sending the blood hissing and tinMr. Pickwick looked round him. The attachment gling through my veins, till the cold dew of fear stood and fervor of his followers lighted up a glow of en- in large drops upon my skin, and my knees knocked thusiasm within him. He Was their leader, and he together with fright! I like it now though! It's felt it. a fine name.. Show me the monarch whose angry "Let us celebrate this happy meeting with a con- frown was ever feared like the glare of a madman's vivial glass,' said he. This proposition, like the oth- eye-whose cord and axe were ever half so sure GOLDEN LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 69 a madman's gripe. Ho! ho! It's a grand thing to to me by the consciousness of my well-kept secret. be mad! to be peeped at like a wild lion through the I inherited an estate. The law-the eagled-eyed law iron bars-to gnash one's teeth and howl, through itself-,had been deceived, and had handed over disthe long still night, to the merry ring of a heavy puted thousands to a madman's hands. Where was chain-and to roll and twine among the straw, the wit of the sharp-sighted men of sound mind? transported with such brave music. Hurra for the Where the dexterity of the lawyers, eager to discovmad-house! Oh, it's a rare place! er a flaw? The madman's cunning had overreached "I remember days when I was afraid of being mad; them all. when I used to start from my sleep, and fall upon "I had fmoney. How I was courted! I spent it my knees, and pray to be spared from the curse of profusely. How I was praised! How those three my race; when I rushed from the sight of merriment proud overbearing brothers humbled themselves be-.or happiness, to hide myself in some lonely place, fore me! The old white-headed father, too —such and spend the weary hours in watching the progress deference-such respect-such devoted friendshipof the fever that was to consume my brain. I knew he worshiped me! The old man had a daughter, and that madness was mixed up with my very blood, the young men a sister; and all the five were poor. I and the marrow of my bones; that one generation was rich; and when I married the girl, I saw a smile had passed away without the pestilence appearing of triumph play upon the faces of her needy relatives, among them, and that I was the first in whom it as they thought of their well-planned scheme, and would revive. I knew it must be so: that so it al- their fine prize. It was for me to smile. To smile! ways had been, and so it ever would be: and when To laugh outright, and tear my hair, and roll upon I cowered in some obscure corner of a crowded room, the ground with shrieks of merriment. They little and saw men whisper, and point, and turn their eyes thought they had married her to a madman. toward me, I knew they were telling each other of "Stay. If they had known it, would they have the doomed madman; and I slunk away again to saved her? A sister's happiness against her husmope in solitude. band's gold. The lightest feather I blow into the "I did this for years; long, long years they were. air, against the gay chain that ornaments my body! The nights here are long sometines-very long,; but "In one thing I was deceived with all my cunning. they are nothing to the restless nights, and dreadful If I had not been mad-for though we madmen are dreams I had at that time. It makes me cold to re- sharp-witted enough, we get bewildered sometimes member them. Large dusky forms with sly and jeer- -I should have known that the girl would rather ing faces crouched in the corners of the room, and have been placed, stiff and cold in a dull leaden cofbent over my bed at night, tempting me to madness. fin, than borne an envied bride to my rich, glittering They told me in low whispers, that the floor of the house. I should have known that her heart was old house in which my father's father died, was with the dark-eyed boy whose name I once heard stained with his own blood, shed by his own hand her breathe in her troubled sleep; and that she had in raging madness. I drove my fingers into my ears, been sacrificed to me, to relieve the poverty of the but they screamed into my head till the room rang old white-headed man and the haughty brothers. with it, that in one generation before him the mad- " I don't remember forms or faces now, but I know ness slumbered, but that his grandfather had lived the girl was beautiful. I know she was,; for in the for years with his hands fettered to the ground, to bright moonlight nights, when I start up from my prevent his tearing himself to pieces. I knew they sleep, and all is quiet about me, I see, standing still told the truth-I knew it well. I had found it out and motionless in one corner of this cell, a slight and years before, though they had tried to keep it from wasted figure with long black hair, which streaming me. Ha! ha! I was too cunning for them, madman down her back, stirs with no earthly wind, and eyes as they thought me. that fix their gaze on me, and never wink or close. " At last it came upon me, and I wondered how I Hush! the blood chills at my heart as I write it down could ever have feared it. I could go into the world -that form is hers; the face is very pale, and the now, and laugh and shout with the best among them. eyes are glassy bright; but I know them well. The I knew I was mad, but they did not even suspect it. figure never moves; it never frowns and mouths as HowI usedto hug myself withdelight when I thought others do, that fill this place sometimes; but it is of the fine trick I was playing them after their old much more dreadful to me, even than the spirits that pointing and leering, when I was not mad, but only tempted me many years ago-it comes fresh from the dreading that I might one day become so! And how grave; and is so very death-like. I used to laugh with joy, when I was alone, and "For nearly a year I saw that face grow paler; for thought how well I kept my secret, and how quick- nearly a year I saw the tears steal down the mournly my kind friends would have fallen from me, if they fil cheeks, and never knew the cause. I found it out had known the truth. I could have screamed with at last though. They could not keep it from me long. ecstasy when I dined alone with some fine roaring She had never liked me; I had never thought she fellow, to think how pale he would have turned, and did: she despised my wealth, and hated the splendor how fast he would have run, if he had known that in which she lived; —I had not expected that. She the dear friend who sat close to him, sharpening a loved another. This I had never thought of. Strange bright glittering knife, was a madman with all the feelings came over me, and thoughts, forced upon me power, and half the will, to plunge it in his heart. by some secret power, whirled round and round my Oh, it was a merry life! brain. I did not hate-her, though I hated the boy "Riches became mine, wealth poured in upon me, she still wept for. I pitied-yes, I pitied-the and I rioted in pleasures enhanced a thousand-fold wretched life to which her cold and selfish relations 70 THE PICKWICK CLUB. had doomed her. I knew that she could not live could hear me, and laughed till the air resounded with long, but the thought that before her death she might my shouts! give birth to some ill-fated being, destined to hand "She died next day. The white-headed old man down madness to its offspring, determined me. I re- followed her to the grave, and the proud brothers solved to kill her. dropped a tear over the insensible corpse of her "For many weeks I thought of poison, and then whose sufferings they had regarded in her lifetime of drowning, and then of fire. A fine sight the grand with muscles of iron. All this was food for my sehouse in flames, and the madman's wife smouldering cret mirth, and I laughed behind the white handkeraway to cinders. Think of the jest of a large re- chief which I held up to my face, as we rode home, ward, too, and of some sane man swinging in the wind till the tears came into my eyes. for a deed he never did, and all through a madman's "But though I had carried my object and killed cunning! I thought often of this, but I gave it up her, I was restless and disturbed, and I felt that beat last. Oh! the pleasure of stropping the razor fore long my secret must be known. I could not day after day, feeling the sharp edge, and thinking hide the wild mirth and joy which boiled within of the gash one stroke of its thin bright edge would me, and made me when I was alone at home, jump make! up and beat my hands together, and dance round "At last the old spirits who had been with me so and round, and roar aloud. When I went out, and often before whispered in my ear that the time was saw the busy crowds hurrying about the streets; or come, and thrust the open razor into my hand. I to the theatre, and heard the sound of music, and begrasped it firmly, rose softly from the bed, and leaned held the people dancing, I felt such glee, that I could over my sleeping wife. Her face was buried in her have rushed among them, and torn them to pieces hands. I withdrew them softly, and they fell listless- limb from limb, and howled in transport. But I ly on her bosom. She had been weeping; for the ground my teeth, and struck my feet upon the floor, traces of the tears were still wet upon her cheek. and drove my sharp nails into my hands. I kept it Her face was calm and placid; and even as I looked down; and no one knew I was a madman yet. upon it, a tranquil smile lighted up her pale features. "I remember-though it's one of the last things I I laid my hand softly on her shoulder. She started can remember: for now I mix up realities with my -it was only a passing dream. I leaned forward dreams, and having so much to do, and being always again. Shescreamed, and woke. hurried here, have no time to separate the two, " One motion of my hand, and she would never from some strange confusion in which they get inagain have uttered cry or sound. But I was startled, volved-I remember how I let it out at last. Ha! and drew back. Her eyes were fixed on mine. I ha! I think I see their frightened looks now, and know not how it was, but they cowed and fright- feel the ease with which I flung them from me, and ened me; and I quailed beneath them. She rose dashed my clenched fist into their white faces, and from the bed, still gazing fixedly and steadily on me. then flew like the wind, and left them screaming I trembled; the razor was in my hand, but I could and shouting far behind. The strength of a giant not move. She made toward the door. As she near- comes upon me when I think of it. There-see ed it, she turned and withdrew her eyes from my how this iron bar bends beneath my furious wrench. face. The spell was broken. I bounded forward, I could snap it like a twig, only there are long galand clutched her by the arm. Uttering shriek upon leries here with many doors-I don't think I could shriek, she sunk upon the ground. find my way along them; and even if I could, I "Now I could have killed her without a struggle; know there are iron gates below which they keep but the house was alarmed. I heard the tread of locked and barred. They know what a clever madfootsteps on the stairs. I replaced the razor in its man I have been, and they are proud to have me usual drawer, unfastened the door, and called loudly here, to show. for assistance. "Let me see; yes, I had been out. It was late at " They came, and raised her, and placed her on the night when I reached home, and found the proudest bed. She lay bereft of animation for hours; and of the three proud brothers waiting to see me-urwhen life, look, and speech returned, her senses had gent business he said: I recollect it well. I hated deserted her, and she raved wildly and furiously. that man with all a madman's hate. Many and "Doctors were called in-great men who rolled up many a time had my fingers longed to tear him. to my door in easy carriages, with fine horses and They told me he was there. I ran swiftly up stairs. gaudy servants. They were at her bedside for weeks. He had a word to say to me. I dismissed the servThey had a great meeting, and consulted together in ants. It was late, and we were alone together-for low and solemn voices in another room. One, the the first time. cleverest and most celebrated among them, took me "I kept my eyes carefully from him at first, for I aside, and bidding me prepare for the worst, told me knew what he little thought-and I gloried in the -me, the madman!-that my wife was mad. He knowledge-that the light of madness gleamed from stood close beside me at an open window, his eyes them like fire. We sat in silence for a few minutes. looking in my face, and his hand laid upon my arm. He spoke at last. My recent dissipation, and strange With one effort, I could have hurled him into the remarks, made so soon after his sister's death, were street beneath. It would have been rare sport to an insult to her memory. Coupling together many have done it; but my secret was at stake, and I let circumstances which had at first escaped his obserhim go. A few days after, they told me I must place vation, he thought I had not treated her well. He her under some restraint: I must provide a keeper wished to know whether he was right in inferring for her. I! I went into the open fields where none that I meant to cast a reproach upon her memory, FAMILY PRIDE AND HONOR. 71 and a disrespect upon her family. It was due to the fence and wall, with a wild shout which was taken uniform he wore, to demand this explanation. up by the strange beings that flocked around me on " This man had a commission in the army-a com- every side, and swelled the sound, till it pierced the mission, purchased with my money, and his sister's air. I was borne upon the arms of demons who misery! This was the man who had been foremost swept along upon the wind, and bore down bank in the plot to ensnare me, and grasp my wealth. and hedge before them, and spun me round and This was the man who had been the main instru- round with a rustle and a speed that made my head ment in forcing his sister to wed me; well knowing swim, until at last they threw me from them with a that her heart was given to that puling boy. Due violent shock, and I fell heavily upon the earth. to his uniform! The livery of his degradation! I When I awoke I found myself here-here in this gay turned my eyes upon him-I could not help it-but cell where the sunlight seldom comes, and the moon I spoke not a word. steals in, in rays which only serve to show the dark "I saw the sudden change that came upon him shadows about me, and that silent figure in its old beneath my gaze. He was a bold man, but the col- corner. When I lie awake, I can sometimes hear or faded from his face, and he drew back his chair. strange shrieks and cries from distant parts of this I dragged mine nearer to him; and as I laughed-I large place. What they are, I know not; but they was very merry then-I saw him shudder. I felt neither come from that pale form, nor does it regard the madness rising within me. He was afraid of them. For from the first shades of dusk till the me. earliest light of morning, it still stands motionless "' You were very fond of your sister when she in the same place, listening to the music of my iron was alive'-I said —' Very.' chain, and watching my gambols on my straw bed." "He looked uneasily round him, and I saw his At the end of the manuscript was written, in anhand grasp the back of his chair: but he said noth- other hand, this note: ing. [The unhappy man whose ravings are recorded "' You villain,' said I,'I found you out; I discov- above, was a melancholy instance of the baneful reered your hellish plots against me; I know her heart suits of energies misdirected in early life, and excesswas fixed on some one else before you compelled her es prolonged until their consequences could never be to marry me. I know it-I know it.' repaired. The thoughtless riot, dissipation, and de"He jumped suddenly from his chair, brandished bauchery of his younger days, produced fever and it aloft, and bid me stand back-for I took care to delirium. The first effects of the latter was the be getting closer to him all the time I spoke. strange delusion, founded upon a well-known medi" I screamed rather than talked, for I felt tumult- cal theory, strongly contended for by some, and as uous passions eddying through my veins, and the strongly contested by others, that an hereditary old spirits whispering and taunting me to tear his madness existed in his family. This produced a setheart out. tled gloom, which in time developed a morbid insan"'Damn you,' said I, starting up, and rushing upon ity, and finally terminated in raving madness. There him;'I killed her. I am a madman. Down with is every reason to believe that the events he detailed, you. Blood, blood! I will have it!' though distorted in the description by his diseased " I turned aside with one blow the chair he hurled imagination, really happened. It is only matter of at me in his terror, and closed with him; and with wonder to those who were acquainted with the vices a heavy crash we rolled upon the floor together. of his early career, that his passions, when no longer "It was a fine struggle that; for he was a tall controlled by reason, did not lead him to the comstrong man fighting for his life; and I, a powerful mission of still more frightful deeds.] madman, thirsting to destroy him. I knew no strength could equal mine, and I was right. Right Mr. Pickwick's candle was just expiring in the again, though a madman! His struggles grew faint- socket, as he concluded the perusal of the old clergyer. I knelt upon his chest, and clasped his brawny man's manuscript; and when the light went suddenthroat firmly with both hands. His face grew pur- ly out, without any previous flicker by way of warnple; his eyes were starting from his head, and with ing, it communicated a very considerable start to his protruded tongue, he seemed to mock me. I excited frame. Hastily throwing off such articles squeezed the tighter. of clothing as he had put on when he rose from his "The door was suddenly burst open with a loud uneasy bed, and casting a fearful glance around, he noise, and a crowd of people rushed forward, crying once more scrambled hastily between the sheets, and aloud to each other to secure the madman. soon fell fast asleep. "My secret was out; and my only struggle now The sun was shining brilliantly into his chamber was for liberty and freedom. I gained my feet be- when he awoke, and the morning was far advanced. fore a hand was on me, threw myself among my as- The gloom which had oppressed him on the previous sailants and cleared my way with my strong arm, night, had disappeared with the dark shadows which as if I bore a hatchet in my hand, and hewed them shrouded the landscape, and his thoughts and feeldown before me. I gained the door, dropped over ings were as light and gay as the morning itself. the banisters, and in an instant was in the street. After a hearty breakfast, the four gentlemen sallied " Straight and swift I ran, and no one dared to forth to walk to Gravesend, followed by a man bearstop me. I heard the noise of feet behind, and re- ing the stone in its deal box. They reached that doubled my speed. It grew fainter and fainter in town about one o'clock (their luggage they had dithe distance, and at length died away altogether: rected to be forwarded to the City, from Rochester), but on I bounded, through marsh and rivulet, over and being fortunate enough to secure places on the 72 THE PICKWICK CLUB. outside of a coach, arrived in London in sound health He also wrote a pamphlet, addressed to the seventeen and spirits, on that same afternoon, learned societies, native and foreign, containing a The next three or four days were occupied with repetition of the statement he had already made, the preparations which were. necessary for their and rather more than half intimating his opinion journey to the borough of EatanswilL As any ref- that the seventeen learned societies were so many erence to that most important undertaking demands "humbugs." Hereupon the virtuous indignation a. separate chapter, we may devote the few lines of the seventeen learned societies, native and foreign, which remain at the close of this, to narrate, with being roused, several fresh pamphlets appeared; the great brevity, the history of the antiquarian dis- foreign learned societies corresponded with the nacovery. five learned societies; the native learned societies It appears from the Transactions of the Club, translated the pamphlets of the foreign learned sothen, that Mr. Pickwick lectured upon the discovery cieties into English; the foreign learned societies at a General Club Meeting, convened on the night translated the pamphlets of the native learned sosucceeding their return, and entered into a variety cieties into all sorts of languages; and thus comof ingenious and erudite speculations on the mean- menced that celebrated scientific discussion so well ing of the inscription. It also appears that a skillful known to all men as the Pickwick controversy. artist executed a faithful delineation of the curiosi- But this base attempt to injure Mr. Pickwick, rety, which was engraven on stone, and presented to coiled upon the head of its calumnious author. The the Royal Antiquarian Society, and other learned seventeen learned societies unanimously voted the bodies-that heart-burnings and jealousies without presumptuous Blotton an ignorant meddler, and number, were created by rival controversies which forthwith set to work upon more treatises than ever. were penned upon the subject-and that Mr. Pick- And to this day the stone remains, an illegible monwick himself wrote a Pamphlet, containing ninety- ument of Mr. Pickwick's greatness, and a lasting six pages of very small print, and twenty-seven dif- trophy to the littleness of his enemies. ferent readings of the inscription. That three old gentlemen cut off their eldest sons with a shilling --- apiece for presuming to doubt the antiquity of the fragment-and that one enthusiastic individual cut CHAPTER XII. himself off prematurely, in despair at being unable to fathom its meaninig. That Mr. Pickwick was DESCIPTIVE OF A VERY IMPORTANT PROCEEDING elected an honorary member of seventeen native and ON THE PART OF MR. PICKWICK; NO LESS AN foreign societies, for making the discovery; that EPOCH IN HIS LIFE, THAN IN THIS HISTORY none of the seventeen could make any thing of it; /RR. PICKWICK'S apartments in Goswell Street, but that all the seventeen agreed it was very ex- Jl1 although on a limited scale, were not only of a traordinary. very neat and comfortable description, but peculiarly Mr. Blotton, indeed-and the name will be doomed adapted for the residence of a man of his genius and to the undying contempt of those who cultivate the observation. His sitting-room was the first -floor mysterious and the sublime-Mr. Blotton, we say front, his bedroom the second-floor front; and thus, with the doubt and caviling peculiar to vulgar whether he were sitting at his desk in his parlor; or minds, presumed to state a view of the case, as de- standing before the dressing-glass in his dormitory, grading as ridiculous. Mr. Blotton, with a mean de- he had an equal opportunity of contemplating husire to tarnish the lustre of the immortal name of man nature in all the numerous phases it exhibits, Pickwick, actually undertook a journey to Cobham in that not more populous than popular thoroughin person, and on his return, sarcastically observed fare. His landlady, Mrs. Bardell- the relict and in an oration at the club, that he had seen the man sole executrix of. a deceased custom-house officerfrom whomthe stone was purchased; that the man was a comely woman of bustling manners and agreepresumed the stone to be ancient, but solemnly de- able appearance, with a natural genius for cooking, nied the antiquity of the inscription-inasmuch as improved by study and long practice, into an exquihe represented it to have been rudely carved by site talent. There were no children, no servants,,no himself in an idle mood, and to display letters in- fowls.. The only other inmates of the house were tended to bear neither more nor less than the simple a large man and a small boy; the first a lodger, construction of —"BILL STUMPS, HIS MARK;" the second a production of Mrs. Bardell's. The and that Mr. Stumps, being little in the habit of large man was always home precisely at ten o'clock original composition, and more accustomed to be at night, at which hour he regularly condensed him. guided by the sound of words than by the strict self into the limits of a dwarfish French bedstead in rules of orthography, had omitted the concluding the back parlor; and the infantine sports and gym"L" of his Christian name. nastic exercises of Master Bardell were exclusively The Pickwick Club (as might have been expected confined to the neighboring pavements and gutters. from so enlightened an In tpntion), received this Cleanliness and quiet reigned throughout the house; statement with the contempt; i deserved, expelled and in it Mr. Pickwick's will was law. the presumptuous and ill-conditioned Blotton, and To any one acquainted with these points of the voted Mr. Pickwick a pair of gold spectacles, in token domestic economy of the establishment, and converof their confidence and approbation; in' return for sant with the admirable regulation of Mr. Pickwick's which, Mr. Pickwick caused a portrait of himself to mind, his appearance and behavior on the morning be painted, and hung up in the club-room. previous to that which had been fixed upon for the Mr. Blotton though ejected was not conquered. journey to Eatanswill, would have been most mysa INNOCENCE IN DANGER. 73 terious and unaccountable. He paced the room to "Oh, I never thought any thing of the trouble, and fro with hurried steps, popped his head out of sir," replied Mrs. Bardell; "and, of course, I should the window at intervals of about three minutes each, take more trouble to please you then, than ever; constantly referred to his watch, and exhibited many but it is so kind of you, Mr. Pickwick, to have so other manifestations of impatience very unusual with much consideration for my loneliness." him. It was evident that something of great impor- Ah, to be sure," said Mr. Pickwick; "I never tance was in contemplation, but what that something thought of that. When I am in town, you'll always was, not even Mrs. Bardell herself had been enabled have somebody to sit with you. To be sure, so you to discover. will." "Mrs. Bardell," said Mr. Pickwick, at last, as that "I'm sure I ought to be a very happy woman," amiable female approached the termination of a pro- said Mrs. Bardell. longed dusting of the apartment- "And your little boy-" said Mr. Pickwick. "Sir," said Mrs. Bardell. "Bless his heart!" interposed Mrs. Bardell, with a "Your little boy is a very long time gone." maternal sob. "Why it's a good long way to the Borough, sir," "He, too, will have a companion," resumed Mr. remonstrated Mrs. Bardell. Pickwick, "a lively one, who'll teach him, I'll be "Ah," said Mr. Pickwick, "very true; so it is." bound, more tricks in a week than he would ever Mr. Pickwick relapsed into silence, and Mrs. Bar- learn in a year." And Mr. Pickwick smiled placdell resumed her dusting. idly. "Mrs. Bardell," said Mr. Pickwick, at the expira- "Oh you dear-" said Mrs. Bardell. tion of a few minutes. Mr. Pickwick started. "Sir," said Mrs. Bardell again. "Oh you kind, good, playful dear," said Mrs. BarDo you think it a much greater expense to keep dell; and without more ado, she rose from her chair, two people, than to keep one?" and lung her arms round Mr. Pickwick's neck, with " La, Mr. Pickwick," said Mrs. Bardell, coloring up a cataract of tears and a chorus of sobs. to the very border of her cap, as she fancied she ob- " Bless my soul," cried the astonished Mr. Pickserved a species of matrimonial twinkle in the eyes wick; "Mrs. Bardell my good woman-dear me, of her lodger; "La, Mr. Pickwick, what a ques- what a situation-pray consider.-Mrs. Bardell, don't tion!" -if any body should come-" " Well, but do you?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. " Oh, let them come,' exclaimed Mrs. Bardell, fran"That depends-" said Mrs. Bardell approaching tcally; "Fl::l never leave you -dear,' kind, good, the duster very near to Mr. Pickwick's elbow, which soul;n' and, with these words, Mrs. Bardell clung the was planted on the table-" that depends a good tighter. deal upon the person, you know, Mr. Pickwick; and "Mercy upon me," said Mr. Pickwick, struggling whether it's a saving and careful person, sir." violently, "I hear somebody coming up the stairs. " That's very true," said Mr. Piekwick, "but the Don't, don't, there's a good creature, don't." But enperson I have in my eye (here he looked very'hard treaty aind emonstrance were alike unavailing: for at Mrs. Bardell) I think:possessesd tes, qualities Mrs. Bardel had fainted in Mr. Pickwick's arms; and and has, moreover, a;eonsideralble-Ekowledge of the J~befmore he could gain time to deposit her on a chair, world, and a great deal of shairpess, Mrs&tBardell; MasterI Bardell entered the room, ushering in Mr. which may be of material use te me."' Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass. " La, Mr. Pickwick," said Mrs. Bardell; the crim- Mrl. Pickwick was struck motionless and speechson rising to her cap-border again. less. He stood with his lovely burden in his arms, "I do," said Mr. Pickwick, growing energetic, as gazing vacantly on the countenances of his friends, was his wont in speaking of a subject which inter- without the slightest attempt at recognition or exested him, "I do, indeed; and to tell you the truth, planation. They; in their turn, stared at him; and Mrs. Bardell, I have made up my mind." Master Bardell, in his turn, stared at every body. "Dear me, sir," exclaimed Mrs. Bardell. The astonishment of the Pickwickians was so ab"You'll think it very strange now," said the amia- sorbing, and the perplexity of Mr. Pickwick was so ble Mr. Pickwick, with a good-humored glance at his extreme, that the$ might have remained in exactly companion, "that I never consulted you about this the same relative situations until the suspended anmatter, and never even mentioned it, till I sent your imation of the lady was restored, had it not been for little boy out this morning-eh?' a most beautiful and touching expression of filial afMrs. Bardell could only reply by a look. She had fection on the part of her youthful son. Clad in a long worshiped Mr. Pickwick at a distance, but tight suit of corduroy, spangled with brass buttons here she was, all at once, raised to a pinnacle to of a very considerable size, he at first stood at the which her wildest and most extravagant hopes had door, astounded and uncertain, but by degrees, the never dared to aspire. Mr. Pickwick was going to impression that his mother must have suffered some propose-a deliberate plan, too-sent her little boy personal damage, pervaded his partially developed to the Borough, to get him out of the way-how mind, and considering Mr. Pickwick as the aggressor, thoughtful-how considerate! he set up an appaling and semi-earthly kind of " Well," said Mr. Pickwick, "what do you think?" howling, and butting forward with his head, com" Oh, Mr. Pickwick," said Mrs. Bardell, trembling menced assailing that immortal gentleman about the with agitation, "you're very kind, sir." back and legs, with such blows and pinches as the "It'll save you a good deal of trouble, won't it?" strength of his arm, and the violence of his excitesaid Mr. Pickwiek. ment, allowed. 74 THE PICK WICK CLUB. "Take this little villain away," said the agonized wick, "I sent for him to the Borough this morning. Mr. Pickwick, "he's mad.' Have the goodness to call him up, Snodgrass." "What i8 the matter?" said the three tongue-tied Mr. Snodgrass did as he was desired; and Mr. SamPickwickians. uel Weller forthwith presented himself. "I don't know," replied Mr. Pickwick, pettishly. "Oh-you remember me, I suppose?" said Mr. "Take away the boy" (here Mr. Winkle carried the Pickwick. interesting boy, screaming and struggling, to the "I should think so," replied Sam, with a patronizfarther end of the apartment). "Now, help me lead ing wink. "Queer start that'ere, but he was one this woman down stairs." too many for you, warn't he? Up to snuff and a " Oh, I am better now," said Mrs. Bardell, faintly. pinch or two over-eh?" " Let me lead you down stairs," said the ever-gal- "Never mind that matter now," said Mr. Pickwick lant Mr. Tupman. hastily, "I want to speak to you about something "Thank you, sir - thank you," exclaimed Mrs. else. Sit down." Bardell, hysterically. And down stairs she was led "Thank'ee, sir," said Sam. And down he sat accordingly, accompanied by her affectionate son. without further bidding, having previously deposit"I can not conceive"- said Mr. Pickwick, when ed his old white hat on the landing outside the door. Lf!' II I,_ ~,:,.',, "HE, TOO, WILL HAVE A- OMPANION," RESUMED MR. PIOKWIOK. his friend returned-" I can not tonceive what has "Tan't a werry good'un to look at," said Sam, " but been the matter with that woman. I had merely it's an astonishin''un to wear; and afore the brim announced to her my intention of keeping a man- went, it was a werry handsome tile. Hows'ever it's servant, when she fell into the extraordinary parox- lighter without it, that's one thing, and every hole ysm in which you found her. Very extraordinary lets in some air, that's another-wentilation gossathing." mer I calls it." On the delivery of this sentiment, "Very," said his three friends. Mr. Weller smiled agreeably upon the assembled " Placed me in such an extremely awkward situ- Pickwickians. ation," continued Mr. Pickwick. "Now with regard to the matter on which I, with "Very," was the reply of his followers, as they the concurrence of these gentlemen, sent for you," coughed slightly, and looked dubiously at each other. said Mr. Pickwick. This behavior was not lost upon Mr. Pickwick. "That's the pint, sir," interposed Sam; "out vith He remarked their incredulity. They evidently sus- it, as the father said to the child wen he swallowed pected him. a farden." "There is a man in the passage now," said Mr. " We want to know, in the first place," said Mr. Tupman. Pickwick, "whether you have any reason to be disIt's the man I spoke to you about," said Mr. Pick- contented with your present situation." ENGAGEMENT OF MR. WELLER BY MR. PICKWICK. 75 "Afore I answers that'ere question, gen'lm'n," re- CHAPTER XIII. plied Mr. Weller, "I should like to know, in the first SOME ACCOUNT OF EATANSWILL; OF THE STATE OF place, whether you're agoin' to purwide me with a THEREIN; AND OF THE ELECTION OF A PARTIES THEREIN; AND OF THE ELECTION OF A better." b~~~~~~etter.~MEMBER TO SERVE IN PARLIAMENT FOR THAT A sunbeam of placid benevolence played on Mr. ACIENT, LOYAL, AND PATRIOTIC BOROUGH. Pickwick's features as he said,' I have half made up my mind to engage you myself." TE will frankly acknowledge, that up to the pe"Have you, though?" said Sam. V riod of our being first immersed in the voluMr. Pickwick nodded in the affirmative. minous papers of the Pickwick Club, we had never " Wages?" inquired Sam. heard of Eatanswill; we will with equal candor ad-' Twelve pounds a year," replied Mr. Pickwick. mit, that we have in vain searched for proof of the "Clothes?" actual existence of such a place at the present day. "Two suits." Knowing the deep reliance to be placed on every note "Work?" and statement of Mr. Pickwick's, and not presuming "To attend upon me; and travel about with me to set up our recollection against the recorded decand these gentleman here." larations of that great man, we have consulted every "Take the bill down," said Sam, emphatically. authority, bearing upon the subject, to which we "I'm let to a single gentleman, and the terms is could possibly refer. We have traced every name agreed upon." in schedules A and B, without meeting with that of "You accept the situation?" inquired Mr. Pick- Eatanswill; we have minutely examined every corwick. ner of the Pocket County Maps issued for the benefit " Cert'nly," replied Sam. " If the clothes fits me of society by our distinguished publishers, and the half as well as the place, they'll do." same result has attended our investigation. We are "You can get a character of course?" said Mr. therefore led to believe, that Mr. Pickwick, with that Pickwick. anxious desire to abstain from giving offense to any, "Ask the landlady o' the White Hart about that, and with those delicate feelings for which all who sir," replied Sam. knew him well know he was so eminently remarka"Can you come this evening?' ble, purposely substituted a fictitious designation, "I'll get into the clothes this minute, if they're for the real name of the place in which his observahere," said Sam with great alacrity. tions were made. We are confirmed in this belief by " Call at eight this evening," said Mr. Pickwick; a little circumstance, apparently slight and trivial "and if the inquiries are satisfactory, they shall be in itself, but when considered in this point of view, provided." not undeserving of notice. In Mr. Pickwick's noteWith the single exception of one amiable indis- book, we can just trace an entry of the fact, that the cretion, in which an assistant house-maid had equal- places of himself and followers were booked by the ly participated, the history of Mr. Weller's conduct Norwich coach; but this entry was afterward lined was so very blameless, that Mr. Pickwick felt fully through, as if for the purpose of concealing even the justified in closing the engagement that very even- direction in which the boroughis situated. We will ing. With the promptness and energy which char- not, therefore, hazard a guess upon the subject, but acterized not only the public proceedings, but all the will at once proceed with this history; content with private actions of this extraordinary man, he at once the materials which its characters have provided led his new attendant to one of those convenient for us. emporiums where gentlemen's new and second-hand It appears, then, that the Eatanswill people, like clothes are provided, and the troublesome and incon- the people of many other small towns, considered venient formality of measurement dispensed with; themselves of the utmost and most mighty imporand before night had closed in, Mr. Weller was fir- tance, and that every man in Eatanswill, conscious nished with a gray coat with the P. C. button, of the weight that attached to his example, felt hima black hat with a cockade to it, a pink-striped self bound to unite, heart and soul, with one of the waistcoat, light breeches and gaiters, and a vari- two great parties that divided the town-the Blues ety of other necessaries, too numerous to recapitu- and the Buffs. Now the Blues lost no opportunity late. of opposing the Buffs, and the Buffs lost no opportu"Well," said that suddenly-transformed individ- nity of opposing the Blues; and the consequence ual, as he took his seat on the outside of the Eatans- was, that whenever the Buffs and Blues met together will coach next morning; "I wonder whether I'm at public meeting, Town-Hall, fair, or market, dismeant to be a footman, or a groom, or a game-keeper, putes and high words arose between them. With or a seedsman. I looks like a sort of compo of every these dissensions it is almost superfluous to say that one on'em. Never mind; there's change of air, every thing in Eatanswill was made a party quesplenty to see, and little to do; and all this suits my tion. If the Buffs proposed to new sky-light the complaint uncommon; so long life to the Pickvicks, market-place, the Blues got up public meetings, and says I!" denounced the proceeding; if the Blues proposed the erection of an additional pump in the High Street, the Buffs rose as one man and stood aghast at the * -— *~ —-enormity. There were Blue shops and Buff shops. Blue inns and Buff inns;-there was a Blue aisle and a Buff aisle, in the very church itself. Of course it was essentially and indispensably nec 76 THE PICKWICK CLUB. essary that each of these powerful parties should "Slumkey forever!" echoed Mr. Pickwick, taking have its chosen organ and representative: and, ac- off his hat. cordingly, there were two newspapers in the town- "No Fizkin!" roared the crowd. the Eatanswill Gazette and the Eatanswill Independ- "Certainly not!" shouted Mr. Pickwick. ent; the former advocating Blue principles, and the "Hurra!" And then there was another roaring, latter conducted on grounds decidedly Buff. Fine like that of a whole menagerie when the elephant newspapers they were. Such leading articles, and has rung the bell for the cold meat. such spirited attacks! —" Our worthless contempo- "Who is Slumkey?" whispered Mr. Tupman. rary,the Gazette"-" That disgraceful and dastardly "I don't know," replied Mr. Pickwick in the same journal, the Indepdedent"-" That false and scurril- tone. "Hush. Don't ask any questions. It's alous print, the Independent "-" That vile and slander- ways best on these occasions to do what the mob do." ous calumniator, the Gazette;" these, and other spirit- "But suppose there are two mobs?" suggested Mr. stirring denunciations were strewn plentifully over Snodgrass. the columns of each, in every number, and excited " Shout with the largest," replied Mr. Pickwick. feelings of the most intense delight and indignation Volumes could not have said more. in the bosoms of the towns-people. They entered the house, the crowd opening right Mr. Pickwick, with his usual foresight and sagaci- and left to let them pass, and cheering vociferously. ty, had chosen a peculiarly desirable moment for his The first object of consideration was to secure quarvisit to the borough. Never was such a contest ters for the night. known. The Honorable Samuel Slumkey, of Slum- "Can we have beds here?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, key Hall, was the Blue candidate; and Horatio summoning the waiter. Fizkin, Esq., of Fizkin Lodge, near Eatanswill, had "Don't know, sir," replied the man; " afraid we're been prevailed upon by his friends to stand forward full, sir-I'll inquire, sir." Away he went for that on the Buff interest. The Gazette warned the elect- purpose, and presently returned, to ask whether the ors of Eatanswill that the eyes not only of England, gentlemen were "Blue." but of the whole civilized world, were upon them; "As neither Mr. Pickwick nor his companions took and the Independent imperatively demanded to know, any vital interest in the cause of either candidate, whether the constituency of Eatanswill were the the question was rather a difficult one to answer. grand fellows they had always taken them for, or In this dilemma Mr. Pickwick bethought himself of base and servile tools, undeserving alike of the name his new friend, Mr. Perker. of Englishmen and the blessings of freedom. Never "Do you know a gentleman of the name of Perhad such a commotion agitated the town before. ker?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. It was late in the evening, when Mr. Pickwick "Certainly, sir; honorable Mr. Samuel Slumkey's and his companions, assisted by Sam, dismounted agent." from the roof of the Eatanswill coach. Large blue "He is Blue, I think?" silk flags were flying from the windows of the Town "Oh yes, sir." Arms Inn, and bills were posted in every sash, in- "Then we are Blue," said Mr. Pickwick; but obtimating, in giganticletters, that the honorable Sam- serving that the man looked rather doubtful at this nel Slumkey's Committee sat there daily. A crowd accommodating announcement, he gave him his card, of idlers were assembled in the road, looking at a and desired him to present it to Mr. Perker forthhoarse man in the balcony, who was apparently talk- with, if he should happen to be in the house. The ing himself very red in the face in Mr. Slumkey's waiter retired; and re-appearing almost immediatebehalf; but the force and point of whose arguments ly with a request that Mr. Pickwick would follow were somewhat impaired by the perpetual beating him, led the way to a large room on the first-floor, of four large drums which Mr. Fizkin's committee where, seated at a long table covered with books and had stationed at the street corner.. There was a papers, was Mr. Perker. busy little man beside him, though, who took off his "Ah-ah, my dear sir," said the little man, advanhat at intervals and motioned to the people to cheer, cing to meet him; " very happy to.see you, my dear which they regularly did, most enthusiastically; and sir, very. Pray sit down. So you have carried your as the red-faced gentleman went on talking till he was intention into effect. You have come down here to redder in the face than ever, it seemed to answer his see an election-eh?" purpose quite as well as if any body had heard him. Mr. Pickwick replied in the affirmative. The Pickwickians had no sooner dismounted, than "Spirited contest, my dear sir," said the little man. they were surrounded by a branch mob of the honest "I am delighted to hear it," said Mr. Pickwick, and independent, who forthwith set up three deafen- rubbing his hands. " I like to see sturdy patriotism, ing cheers, which being responded to by the main on whatever side it is called forth; —and so it's a body (for it's not at all necessary for a crowd to spirited contest?" know what they are cheering about) swelled into a "Oh yes," said the little man," very much so intremendous roar of triumph, which stopped even the deed. We have opened all the public-houses in the red-faced man in the balcony. place, and left our adversary nothing but the beer"Hurra!" shouted the mob in conclusion. shops-masterly stroke of policy that, my dear sir, "One cheer more," screamed the little fugleman eh?"-the little man smiled complacently, and took in the balcony, and out shouted the mob again, as if a large pinch of snuff. lungs were cast-iron, with steel works. "And what are the probabilities as to the result " Slumkey forever!" roared the honest and inde- of the contest?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. pendent. "Why doubtful, my dear sir; rather doubtful as HOW TO "WORK" AN ELECTION. 77 yet," replied the little man. "Fizkin's people have "And what, sir "-said Pott-" what, sir, let me got three-and-thirty voters in the lock-up coach- ask you as an impartial man, is the state of the pubhouse at the White Hart." lie mind in London, with reference to my contest "In the coach-house!" said Mr. Pickwick, consid- with the Independent?" erably astonished by this second stroke of policy. " Greatly excited, no doubt," interposed Mr. Per" They keep'em locked up there till theywant'em," ker, with a look of slyness which was very likely acresumed the little man. "The effect of that is, you cidental. see, to prevent our getting at them; and even if we "The contest," said Pott, "shall be prolonged so could, it would be of no use, for they keep them very long as I have health and strength, and that portion drunk on purpose. Smart fellow Fizkin's agent- of talent with which I am gifted. From that convery smart fellow indeed." test, sir, although it may unsettle men's minds and Mr. Pickwick stared, but said nothing. excite their feelings, and render them incapable for "We are pretty confident, though," said Mr. Per- the discharge of the every-day duties of ordinary ker, sinking his voice almost to a whisper. "We life; from that contest, sir, I will never shrink, till had a little tea-party here last night-five-and-forty I have set my heel upon the Eatanswill Independent. women, my dear sir-and gave every one of'em a I wish the people of London, and the people of this green parasol when she went away." country,to know, sir, that they may rely upon me; "A parasol!" said Mr. Pickwick. -that I will not desert them, that I am resolved to "Fact, my dear sir, fact. Five-and-forty green stand by them, sir, to the last." parasols, at seven-and-sixpence apiece. All women "Your conduct is most noble, sir," said Mr. Picklike finery-extraordinary the effect of those para- wick; and he grasped the hand of the magnanimous sols. Secured all their husbands, and half their Pott. brothers-beats stockings, and flannel, and all that "You are, sir, I perceive, a man of sense and talsort of thing, hollow. My idea, my dear sir, entirely. ent," said Mr. Pott, almost breathless with the veHail, rain, or sunshine, you can't walk half a dozen hemence of his patriotic, declaration. "I am most yards up the street, without encountering half a happy, sir, to make the acquaintance of such a man." dozen green parasols." "And I," said Mr. Pickwick, "feel deeply honored Here the little man indulged in a convulsion of by this expression of your opinion. Allow me, sir, mirth, which was only checked by the entrance of a to introduce you to my fellow-travelers, the other third party. corresponding members of the club I am proud to This was a tall, thin man, with a sandy-colored have founded." head inclined to baldness, and a face in which sol- "I shall be delighted," said Mr. Pott. emn importance was blended with a look of un- Mr. Pickwick withdrew, and returning with his fathomable profundity. He was dressed in a long friends, presented them in due form to the editor of brown surtout, with a black cloth waistcoat and the Eatanswill Gazette. drab trowsers. A double eye-glass dangled at his "Now my dear Pott," said little Mr. Perker, "the waistcoat: and on his head he wore a very low- question is, what are we to do with our friends here?" crowned hat with a broad brim. The new-comer " We can stop in this house, I suppose," said Mr. was introduced to Mr. Pickwick as Mr. Pott, the Pickwick. editor of the Eatanswill Gazette. After a few pre- "Not a spare bed in the house, my dear sir-not a liminary remarks, Mr. Pott turned round to Mr. single bed." Pickwick, and said with solemnity- Extremely awkward," said Mr. Pickwick. " This contest excites great interest in the metrop- " Very," said his fellow-voyagers. olis, sir?" "I have an idea upon this subject," said Mr. Pott, " I believe it does," said Mr. Pickwick. "which I think may be very successfully adopted. "To which I have reason to know," said Pott, They have two beds at the Peacock, and I can boldlooking toward Mr. Perker for corroboration-"to ly say, on behalf of Mrs. Pott, that she will be dewhich I have reason to know that my article of last lighted to accommodate Mr. Pickwick and any of his Saturday in some degree contributed." friends, if the other two gentlemen and their servant " Not the least doubt of it," said the little man. do not object to shifting, as they best can, at the " The press is a mighty engine, sir," said Pott. Peacock." Mr. Pickwick yielded his fullest assent to the After repeated pressings on the part of Mr. Pott, proposition. and repeated protestations on that of Mr. Pickwick "But I trust, sir," said Pott," that I have never that he could not think of incommoding or troubling abused the enormous power I wield. I trust, sir, his amiable wife, it was decided that it was the only that I have never pointed the noble instrument feasible arrangement that could be made. So it was which is placed in my hands against the sacred lboe made; and after dining together at the Town Arms, som of private life, or the tender breast of individual the friends separated, Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass reputation;-I trust, sir, that I have devoted my repairing to the Peacock, and Mr. Pickwick and Mr. energies to-to endeavors-humble they may be, Winkle proceeding to the mansion of MrPott; it humble I know they are-to instill those principles having been previously arranged that they should of-which-are-" all re-assemble at the, Town Arms in the morning, Here the editor of the Eatanswill Gazette, appear- and accompany the honorable Samuel Slumkey's proing to ramble, Mr. Pickwick. came to his relief, and cession to the place of nomination. said- Mr. Pott's domestic circle was limited to himself " Certainly." and his wife. All men whom mighty genius has 78 THE PICKWICK CLUB. raised to a proud eminence in the world, have usual- Twenty-eight. I'll read you-" added the editor, ly some little weakness which appears the more con- turning to Mr. Pickwick, "I'll just read you a few of spicuous from the contrast it presents to their gen- the leaders I wrote at that time upon the Buff job of eral character. If Mr. Pott had a weakness, it was, appointing a new tollman to the turnpike here; I perhaps, that he was rather too submissive to the rather think they'll amuse you." somewhat contemptuous control and sway of his' "I should like to hear them very much, indeed," wife. We do not feel justified in laying any par- said Mr. Pickwick. ticular stress upon the fact, because on the present Up came the file, and down sat the editor, with occasion all Mrs. Pott's most winning ways were Mr. Pickwick at his side. brought into requisition to receive the two gentle- We have in vain pored over the leaves of Mr. men. Pickwick's note-book, in the hope of meeting with a My dear," said Mr. Pott, " Mr. Pickwick - Mr. general summary of these beautiful compositions. Pickwick of London." We have every reason to believe that he was perMrs. Pott received Mr. Pickwick's paternal grasp fectly enraptured with the vigor and freshness of the of the hand with enchanting sweetness: and Mr. style; indeed Mr. Winkle has recorded the fact that Winkle, who had not been announced at all, slided his eyes were closed, as if with excess of pleasure, and bowed, unnoticed, in an obscure corner. during the whole time of their perusal. "P. my dear —" said Mrs. Pott. The announcement of supper put a stop both to "My life," said Mr. Pott. the game at ecart6, and the recapitulation of the beau"Pray introduce the other gentleman." ties of the Eatanswill Gazette. Mrs. Pott was in the " I beg a thousand pardons," said Mr. Pott. "Per- highest spirits and the most agreeable humor. Mr. mit me, Mrs. Pott, Mr.-" Winkle had already made considerable progress in "Winkle," said Mr. Pickwick. her good opinion, and she did not hesitate to inform "Winkle," echoed Mr. Pott; and the ceremony of him, confidentially, that Mr. Pickwick was "a delightintroduction was complete. ful old dear." These terms convey a familiarity of " We owe you many apologies, ma'am," said Mr. expression, in which few of those who were intimatePickwick, "for disturbing your domestic arrange- ly acquainted with that colossal-minded man would ments at so short a notice." have presumed to indulge. We have preserved them, " I beg you won't mention it, sir," replied the fem- nevertheless, as affording at once a touching and a inine Pott, with vivacity. " It is a high treat to convincing proof of the estimation in which he was me, I assure you, to see any new faces; living as I held by every class of society, and the ease with do, from day to day, and week to week, in this dull which he made his way to their hearts and feelplace, and seeing nobody." ings. "Nobody, my dear!" exclaimed Mr. Pott, archly. It was a late hour of the night-long after Mr. "Nobody but you," retorted Mrs. Pott, with asper- Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass had fallen asleep in the ity. inmostrecesses of the Peacock-whenthe two friends "You see, Mr. Pickwick," said the host in explana- retired to rest. Slumber soon fell upon the senses tion of his wife's lament, "that we are in some meas- of Mr. Winkle, but his feelings had been excited, and ure cut off from many enjoyments and pleasures of his admiration roused; and for many hours after which we might otherwise partake. My public sta- sleep had rendered him insensible to earthly objects, tion, as editor of the Eatanswill Gazette, the position the face and figure of the agreeable Mrs. Pott prewhich that paper holds in the country, my constant sented themselves again and again to his wandering immersion in the vortex of politics-" imagination. "P. my dear-" interposed Mrs. Pott. The noise and bustle which ushered in the morn"My life-" said the editor. ing, were sufficient to dispel from the mind of the "I wish, my dear, you would endeavor to find most romantic visionary in existence, any associasome topic of conversation in which these gentlemen tions but those which were immediately connected might take some rational interest." with the rapidly-approaching election. The beat" But my love," said Mr. Pott, with great humility, ing of drums, the blowing of horns and trumpets, "Mr. Pickwick does take an interest in it." the shouting of men, and -tramping of horses, echoed "It's well for him if he can," said Mrs. Pott, em- and re-echoed through the streets from the earliest phatically; " I am wearied out of my life with your dawn of day; and an occasional fight between the politics, and quarrels with the Independent, and non- light skirmishers of either party at once enlivened sense. I am quite astonished P. at your making such the preparations and agreeably diversified their charan exhibition of your absurdity." acter. "But my dear-" said Mr. Pott. "Well, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, as his valet ap"Oh, nonsense, don't talk to me," said Mrs. Pott. peared at his bedroom door, just as he was conclud"Do you play ecarte, sir?" ing his toilet; " all alive to-day, I suppose?" "I shall be very happy to learn under your tui- Reg'lar game, sir," replied Mr. Weller; "our tion," replied Mr. Winkle. people's a col-lecting down at the Town Arms, and "Well, then, draw that little table into this win- they're a-hollering themselves hoarse already." dow, and let me get out of hearing of those prosy "Ah," said Mr. Pickwick, "do they seem devoted politics." to their party, Sam?" "Jane," said Mr. Pott, to the servant who brought "Never see such dewotion in my life, sir." in candles, "go down into the office, and bring me "Energetic, eh?" said Mr. Pickwick. up the file of the Gazette for Eighteen Hundred and "Uncommon," replied Sam; " I never see men eat MR. WELLER ON THE CONVEYANCE OF VOTERS. 79 and drink so much afore. I wonder they an't afeer'd of wine, and gammons him about his driving, and o' bustin." gets him into a reg'lar good humor, and at last shoves "That's the mistaken kindness of the gentry a twenty-pound note in his hand.' It's a werry bad here," said Mr. Pickwick. road between this and London,' says the gen'l'm'n" Wery likely," replied Sam, briefly.' Here and there it is a heavy road,' says my father"Fine, fresh, hearty fellows they seem," said Mr.'Specially near the canal, I think,' says the gen'l'm'n Pickwick, glancing from the window.- Nasty bit that'ere,' says my father-' Well, Mr. " Wery fresh," replied Sam; "me, and the two Weller,' says the gen'l'm'n,'you're a wery good whip, waiters at the Peacock, has been a-pumpin' over the and can do what you like with your horses, we know. independent woters as supped there last night." We're all wery fond o' you, Mr. Weller, so in case you " Pumping over independent voters!" exclaimed should have an accident when you're a-bringing these Mr. Pickwick. here'woters down, and should tip'em over into the " Yes," said his attendant, "every man slept vere canal vithout hurtin' of'em, this is for yourself,' says he fell down; we dragged'em out, one by one, this he-' Gen'l'm'n, you're wery kind,' says my father, mornin', and put'em under the pump, and they're in'and I'll drink your health in another glass of wine,' reg'lar fine order, now. Shillin' a head the commit- says he; wich he did, and then buttons up the montee paid for that'ere job." ey, and bows himself out. You wouldn't believe, " Can such things be!" exclaimed the astonished sir," continued Sam, with a look of inexpressible imMr. Pickwick. pudence at his master, " that on the wery day as he "Lord bless your heart, sir," said Sam, "why came down with them woters, his coach was upset where was you half baptized?-that's nothin', that on that'ere wery spot, and ev'ry man on'em was an't." turned into the canal." "Nothing?" said Mr. Pickwick. "And got out again?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, "Nothin' at all, sir," replied his attendant. "The hastily. night afore the last day o' the last election here, the "Why," replied Sam, very slowly, " I rather think opposite party bribed the bar-maid at the Town one old gen'l'm'n was missin'; I know his hat was Arms, to hocus the brandy-and-water of fourteen un- found, but I an't quite certain whether his head was polled electors as was a-stoppin' in the house." in it or not. But what I look at, is the hex-traor"What do you mean by'hocussing' brandy-and- dinary, and wonderful coincidence, that arter what water?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. that gen'l'm'n said, my father's coach should be upset " Puttin' laud'num in it," replied Sam. "Blessed in that wery place, and on that wery day!" if she didn't send'em all to sleep till twelve hours "It is, no doubt, a very extraordinary circumstance arter the election was over. They took one man up indeed," said Mr. Pickwick. "But brush my hat, to the booth, in a truck, fast asleep, by way of ex- Sam, for I hear Mr. Winkle calling me to breakperiment, but it was no go-they wouldn't poll fast." him; so they brought him back; and put him to bed With these words Mr. Pickwick descended to the again." parlor, where he found breakfast laid, and the family "Strange practices, these," said Mr. Pickwick; already assembled. The meal was hastily dispatchhalf speaking to himself and half addressing Sam. ed; each of the gentlemen's hats was decorated with " Not half so strange as a miraculous circumstance an enormous blue favor, made up by the fair hands as happened to my own father, at an election-time, of Mrs. Pott herself; and as Mr. Winkle had underin this werry place, sir," replied Sam. taken to escort that lady to a house-top, in the im"What was that?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. mediate vicinity of the hustings, Mr. Pickwick and "Why he drove a coach down here once," said Mr. Pott repaired alone to the Town Arms, from the Sam; "'lection-time came on, and he was engaged back window of which, one of Mr. Slumkey's comby vun party to bring down woters from London. mittee was addressing six small boys, and one girl, Night afore he was agoing to drive up, committee on whom he dignified, at every second sentence, with t'other side sends for him quietly, and away he goes the imposing title of "men of Eatanswill," whereat vith the messenger, who shows him in;-large room the six small boys aforesaid cheered prodigiously. -lots of gen'l'm'n-heaps of papers, pens and ink, The stable-yard exhibited unequivocal symptoms and all that'ere.'Ah, Mr. Weller,' says the gen'l'm'n of the glory and strength of the Eatanswill Blues. in the chair,' glad to see you, sir; how are you?'- There was a regular army of blue flags, some with'Werry well, thank'ee, sir,' says my father;'I hope one handle, and some with two, exhibiting appropriyou're pretty middlin,' says he-' Pretty well, thank- ate devices, in golden characters four feet high, and'ee, sir,' says the gen'l'm'n;'sit down, Mr. Weller- stout in proportion. There was a grand band of pray sit down, sir.' So my father sits down, and trumpets, bassoons and drums, marshaled four he and the gen'l'm'n looks werry hard at each other. abreast, and earning their money, if ever men did, -' You don't remember me'? says the gen'l'm'n.- especially the drum beaters, who were very muscular.'Can't say I do,' says my father.-' Oh, I know you,' There were bodies of constables with blue staves, says the gen'l'm'n;'know'd you when you was a twenty committee-men with blue scarfs, and a mob boy,' says he.-' Well, I don't remember you,' says of voters with blue cockades. There were electors my father-' That's very odd,' says the gen'l'm'n- on horseback, and electors afoot. There was an open'Werry,' says my father-'You must have a bad carriage-and-four, for the honorable Samuel Slummem'ry, Mr. Weller,' says the gen'l'm'n-' Well, it is key; and there were four carriages and pair, for his a wery bad'un,' says my father —' I thought so,' says friends and supporters; and the flags were rustling the gen'l'm'n. So then they pours him out a glass and the band was playing, and the constables were 80 THE PICKWICK CLUB. swearing, and the twenty committee-men were Another cheer, much louder. squabbling, and the mob were shouting, and the "He has shaken hands with the men," cried the horses were backing, and the post-boys perspiring; little agent. and every body, and every thing, then and there as- Another cheer, far more vehement. sembled, was for the special use, behoof, honor, and "He has patted the babies on the head," said Mr. renown, of the honorable Samuel Slumkey, of Slum- Perker, trembling with anxiety. key Hall, one of the candidates for the representation A roar of applause that rent the air. of the Borough of Eatanswill, in the Commons House "He has kissed one of'em.!" exclaimed the deof Parliament of the United Kingdom. lighted little man. Loud and long were the cheers, and mighty was A second roar. the rustling of one of the blue flags, with " Liberty " He has kissed another," gasped the excited manof the Press" inscribed thereon, when the sandy head ager. of Mr. Pott was discerned in one of the windows, by A third roar. the mob beneath; and tremendous was the enthusi- "He's kissing'em all!" screamed the enthusiastic asm when the honorable Samuel Slumkey himself, little gentleman. And hailed by the. deafening in top-boots, and a blue neckerchief, advanced and shouts of the multitude, the procession moved on. seized the hand of the said Pott, and melodramatic- How or by what means it became mixed up with ally testified by gestures to the crowd, his inefface- the other procession, and how it was ever extricated able obligations to the Eatanswill Gazette. from the confusion consequent thereupon, is more " Is every thing ready?" said the honorable Sam- than we can undertake to describe, inasmuch as Mr. uel Slumkey to Mr. Perker. Pickwick's hat was knocked over his eyes, nose, and " Every thing, my dear sir," was the little man's mouth, by one poke of a Buff flag-staff, very early in reply. the proceedings. He describes himself as being sur" Nothing has been omitted, I hope?" said the hon- rounded on every side, when he could catch a glimpse orable Samuel Slumkey. of the scene, by angry and ferocious countenances, "Nothing has been left undone, my dear sir-noth- by a vast cloud of dust, and by a dense crowd of ing whatever. There are twenty washed men at the combatants. He represents himself as being forced street door for you to shake hands with; and six from the carriage by some unseen power, and being children in arms that you're to pat on the head, and personally engaged in a pugilistic encounter; but inquire the age of; be particular about, the chil- with whom, or how, or why, he is wholly unable to dren, my dear sir,-it has always a:great effect, that state. He then felt himself forced up some wooden sort of thing." steps by the persons from behind: and on removing "I'1 take care," said the honorable Samuel Slum- his hat, found himself surrounded by his friends, in key. the very front of the left-hand side of the hustings. "And, perhaps, my dear sir-" said the cautious The right was reserved for the Buff party, and the little man, "perhaps if you could-I don't mean to centre for the Mayor and his officers; one of whom say it's indispensable-but if you could manage to -the fat crier of Eatanswill-was ringing an enorkiss one of'em, it would produce a very great im- mous bell, by way of commanding silence, while Mr. pression on the crowd." Horatio Fizkin, and the honorable Samuel Slumkey, "Wouldn't it have as good an effect if the pro- with their hands upon their hearts, were bowing poser or seconder did that?" said the honorable with the utmost affability to the troubled sea of Samuel Slumkey. heads that inundated the open space in front; and " Why, I am afraid it wouldn't," replied the agent; from whence arose a storm of groans, and shouts, "if it were done by yourself, my dear sir, I think it and yells, and hootings, that would have'done honor would make you very popular." to an earthquake. "Very well," said the honorable Samuel Slumkey, "There's Winkle," said Mr. Tupman, pulling his with a resigned air, " then it must be done. That's friend by the sleeve. all." "Where?" said Mr. Pickwick, putting on his spec"Arrange the procession," cried the twenty com- tacles, which he had fortunately kept in his pocket mittee-men. hitherto. Amidst the cheers of the assembled throng, the' There," said Mr. Tupman, "on the top of that band, and the constables, and the committee-men, house." And there, sure enough, in the leaden gutand the voters, and the horsemen, and the carriages, ter of a tiled roof, were Mr. Winkle and Mrs. Pott, took their places-each of the two-horse vehicles comfortably seated in a couple of chairs, waving being closely packed with as many gentlemen as their handkerchiefs in token of recognition-a comcould manage to stand upright in it: and that as- pliment which Mr. Pickwick returned by kissing his signed to Mr. Perker containing Mr. Pickwick, Mr. hand to the lady. Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, and about half a dozen of The proceedings had not yet commenced; and as the committee besides. an inactive crowd is generally disposed to be jocose,,There was a moment of awful suspense as the pro- this very innocent action was sufficient to awaken cession waited for the honorable Samuel Slumkey to their facetiousness. step into his carriage. Suddenly the crowd set up a "Oh you wicked old rascal," cried one voice, great cheering. "looking arter the girls, are you?" "He has come out," said little Mr. Perker, greatly "Oh you Venerable sinner," cried another. excited; the more so as their position did not enable' Putting on his spectacles to look at a married them to see what was going forward.'ooman!" said a third. ELECTIONEERING PROGRESS. 81 " I see him a-winkin' at her, with his wicked old orator was received with a storm of delight, which, eye," shouted a fourth. with a bell-accompaniment, rendered the remainder " Look arter your wife, Pott," bellowed a fifth;- of his speech inaudible, with the exception of the and then there was a roar of laughter. concluding sentence, in which he thanked the meetAs these taunts were accompanied with invidious ing for the patient attention with which they had comparisons between Mr. Pickwick and an aged heard him throughout,-an expression of gratitude ram, and several witticisms of the like nature; and which elicited another burst of mirth, of about a as they moreover rather tended to convey reflections quarter of an hour's duration. upon the honor of an innocent lady, Mr. Pickwick's Next, a tall thin gentleman, in a very stiff white indignation was excessive; but as silence was pro- neckerchief, after being repeatedly desired by the claimed at the moment, he contented himself by crowd to "send a boy home, to ask whether he scorching the mob with a look of pity for their mis- hadn't left his woice under the pillow," begged to guided minds, at which they laughed more boister- nominate a fit and proper person to represent them ously than ever. in Parliament. And when he said it was Horatio "Silence!" roared the mayor's attendants. Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, near Eatanswill, " Whiffin, proclaim silence," said the Mayor, with the Fizkinites applauded, and the Slumkeyites groanH tE'S KISSING'EM ALL!" an air of pomp befitting his lofty station. In obedi-ed, so long, and so loudly, that both he and the secence to this command the crier performed another onder might have sung comic songs in lieu of speakconcerto on the bell, whereupon a gentleman in the ing, without any body's being a bit the wiser. crowd called out " muffins;" which occasioned an- The friends of Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, having had other laugh. their innings, a little choleric, pink-faced man stood " Gentlemen," said the Mayor, at as loud a pitch forward to propose another fit and proper person to as he could possibly force his voice to, "Gentlemen. represent the electors of Eatanswill in Parliament; Brother electors of the Borough of Eatanswill. We and very swimmingly the pink-faced gentleman are met here to-day for the purpose of choosing a would have got on, if he had not been rather too representative in the room of our late-" choleric to entertain a sufficient perception of the Here the Mayor was interrupted by a voice in the fun of the crowd. But after a very few sentences of crowd. figurative eloquence, the pink-faced gentleman got " Suc-cess to the Mayor!" cried the voice, " and from denouncing those who interrupted him in the may he never desert the nail and sarspan business, mob, to exchanging defiances with the gentlemen on as he got his money by." the hustings; whereupon arose an uproar which reThis allusion to the professional pursuits of the duced him to the necessity of expressing his feelings 6 "H' ISN E L an airof pop beftting is loty sttion.In bd-es og n oludy htbt eadt se ence toti omn h re efrmdaohrodrmgthv un oi og nle fsek conero o te ell werupo agetleaninthe in, ithutan boy' binga itthewier crowd called out "muffin;" which occasioned an- The friends of Horatio F~kin, Esquire, having ha ma enee esr heni adsrsa usns, otoecanigdeacs ihth et6mno 82 THE PICKWICK CLUB. by serious pantomime, which he did, and then left state, with the utmost confidence, that he was the the stage to his seconder, who delivered a written man who would eventually be returned. speech of half an hour's length, and wouldn't be There was a show of hands; The Mayor decided stopped, because he had sent it all to the Eatanswill in favor of the honorable Samuel Slumkey, of SlumGazette, and the Eatanswill Gazette had already key Hall. Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, printed it, every word. demanded a poll, and a poll was fixed accordingly. Then Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, Then a vote of thanks was moved to the Mayor for near Eatanswill, presented himself for the purpose his able conduct in the chair; and the Mayor deof addressing the electors; which he no sooner did, voutly wishing that he had had a chair to display than the band employed by the honorable Samuel his able conduct in (for he had been standing durSlumkey, commenced performing with a power to ing the whole proceedings), returned thanks. The which their strength in the morning was a trifle; processions re-formed, the carriages rolled slowly in return for which, the Buff crowd belabored the through the crowd, and its members screeched and heads and shoulders of the Blue crowd; on which shouted after them as their feelings or caprice dicthe Blue crowd endeavored to dispossess themselves tated. of their very unpleasant neighbors the Buff crowd; During the whole time of the polling, the town and a scene of struggling, and pushing, and fighting, was in a perpetual fever of excitement. Every succeeded, to which we can no more do justice than thing was conducted on the most liberal and dethe Mayor could, although he issued imperative or- lightful scale. Excisable articles were remarkably ders to twelve constables to seize the ringleaders, cheap at all the public-houses; and spring-vans pawho might amount in number to two hundred and raded the streets for the accommodation of voters fifty, or thereabout. At all these encounters, Hora- who were seized with any temporary dizziness in tio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, and his friends, the head-an epidemic which prevailed among the waxed fierce and furious; until at last Horatio Fiz- electors, during the contest, to a most alaiming exkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, begged to ask his op- tent, and under the influence of which they might ponent the honorable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey frequently be seen lying on the pavements in a state Hall, whether that band played by his consent; of utter insensibility. A small body of electors rewhich question the honorable Samuel Slumkey de- mained unpolled on the very last day. They were dining to answer, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin calculating and reflecting persons, who had not yet Lodge, shook his fist in the countenance of the hon- been convinced by the arguments of either party, alorable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall; upon though they had had frequent conferences with each. which the honorable Samuel Slumkey, his blood be- One hour before the close of the poll, Mr. Perker soing up, defied Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, to mortal licited the honor of a private interview with these combat. At this violation of all known rules and intelligent, these noble, these patriotic men. It was precedents of order, the Mayor commanded another granted. His arguments were brief, but satisfactory. fantasia on the bell, and declared that he would They went in a body to the poll; and when they rebring before himself, both Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, turned, the honorable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey of Fizkin Lodge, and the honorable Samuel Slumkey, Hall, was returned also. of' Slumkey Hall, and bind them over to keep the peace. Upon this terrific denunciation, the sup- -- porters of the two candidates interfered, and after the friends of each party had quarreled in pairs, for CHAPTER XIV. three-quarters of an hour, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, COMPRISING A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE COMPAtouched his hat to the honorable Samuel Slumkey:N T the honorable Samuel Slumkey touched his to Ho- AT TE PEACOCK ASSEMBLED A A TALE TOLD BY A BAG-MAN. ratio Fizkin, Esquire: the band was stopped: the crowd were partially quieted: and Horatio Fizkin, TT is pleasant to turn from contemplating the strife Esquire, was permitted to proceed. and turmoil of political existence, to the peaceful The speeches of the two candidates, though differ- repose of private life. Although in reality no great ing in every other respect, afforded a beautiful trib- partisan of either side, Mr. Pickwick was sufficiently ute to the merit and high worth of the electors of fired with Mr. Pott's enthusiasm, to apply his whole Eatanswill. Both expressed their opinion that a time and attention to the proceedings, of which the more independent, a more enlightened, a more pub- last chapter affords a description compiled from his lie-spirited, a more noble-minded, a more disinterest- own memoranda. Nor while he was thus occupied ed set of men than those who had promised to vote was Mr. Winkle idle, his whole time being devoted for him, never existed on earth; each darkly hinted to pleasant walks and short country excursions with his suspicions that the electors in the opposite in- Mrs. Pott, who never failed, when such an opporterest had certain swinish and besotted infirmities tunity presented itself, to seek some relief from the which rendered them unfit for the exercise of the tedious monotony she so constantly complained of. important duties they were called upon to discharge. The two gentlemen being thus completely domestiFizkin expressed his readiness to do any thing he cated in the Editor's house, Mr. Tupman and Mr. was wanted; Slumkey, his determination to do noth- Snodgrass were in a great measure cast upon their ing that was asked of him. Both said that the trade, own resources. Taking but little interest in public the manufactures, the commerce, the prosperity of affairs, they beguiled their time chiefly with such Eatanswill, would ever be dearer to their hearts than amusements as the Peacock afforded, which were any earthly object; and each had it in his power to limited to a bagatelle-board in the first-floor, and a MR. SNODGRASS THE CHAMPION OF THE FAIR. 83 sequestered skittle-ground in the back-yard. In the ing upon the company with his solitary eye, to the science and nicety of both these recreations, which enthusiastic delight of an elderly personage with a are far more abstruse than ordinary men suppose, dirty face and a clay pipe. they were gradually initiated by Mr. Weller, who "Rum creeters is women," said the dirty-faced possessed a perfect knowledge of such pastimes. man, after a pause. Thus, notwithstanding that they were in a great "Ah! no mistake about that," said a very redmeasure deprived of the comfort and advantage of faced man, behind a cigar. Mr. Pickwick's society, they were still enabled to After this little bit of philosophy there was anothbeguile the time, and to prevent its hanging heavily er pause. on their hands. "There's rummer things than women in this world It was in the evening, however, that the Peacock though, mind you," said the man with the black eye, presented attractions which enabled the two friends slowly filling a large Dutch pipe, with a most capato resist even the invitations of the gifted, though cious bowl. prosy, Pott. It was in the evening that the "com- "Are you married?" inquired the dirty-faced man. mercial room" was filled with a social circle, whose " Can't say I am." characters and manners it was the delight of Mr. "I thought not." Here the dirty-faced man fell Tupman to observe; whose sayings and doings it into fits of mirth at his own retort, in which he was was the habit of Mr. Snodgrass to note down. joined by a man of bland voice and placid counteMost people know what sort of places commercial nance, who always made it a point to agree with evrooms usually are. That of the Peacock differed ery body. in no material respect from the generality of such "Women, after all, gentlemen," said the enthusiapartments; that is to say, it was a large bare-look- astic Mr. Snodgrass, " are the great props and coming room, the furniture of which had no doubt been forts of our existence." better when it was newer, with a spacious table in " So they are," said the placid gentleman. the centre, and a variety of smaller dittos in the cor- "When they're in a good-humor," interposed the ners; an extensive assortment of variously shaped dirty-faced man. chairs, and an old Turkey-carpet, bearing about the "And that's very true," said the placid one. same relative proportion to the size of the room as "I repudiate that qualification," said Mr. Snoda lady's pocket-handkerchief might to the floor of a grass, whose thoughts were fast reverting to Emily watch-box. The walls were garnished with one or Wardle, "I repudiate it with disdain-with indignatwo large maps; and several weather-beaten rough tion. Show me the man who says any thing against great-coats, with complicated capes, dangled from a women, as women, and I boldly declare he, is not a long row of pegs in one corner. The mantel-shelf man." And Mr. Snodgrass took his cigar from his was ornamented with a wooden inkstand, contaiuing mouth, and struck the table violently with his clenchone stump of a pen and half a wafer: a road-book ted fist. and directory: a county history minus the cover: "That's good sound argument," said the placid and the mortal emains of a trout in a glass coffin. man. The atmosphere was redolent of tobacco smoke, the "Containing a position which I deny," interrupted fumes of which had communicated a rather dingy he of the dirty countenance. hue to the whole room, and more especially to the "And there's certainly a very great deal of truth dusty red curtains which shaded the windows. On in what you observe too, sir," said the placid gentlethe sideboard a variety of miscellaneous articles man. were huddled together, the most conspicuous of "Your health, sir," said the bag-man with the which were some very cloudy fish-sauce cruets, a lonely eye, bestowing an approving nod on Mr. Snodcouple of driving-boxes, two or three whips, and as grass. many traveling shawls, a tray of knives and forks, Mr. Snodgrass acknowledged the compliment. and the mustard. "I always like to hear a good argument," continHere it was that Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass ned the bag-man, "a sharp, one, like this; it's very were seated on the evening after the conclusion of improving; but this little argument about women the election, with several other temporary inmates brought to my mind a story I have heard an old unof the house, smoking and drinking. -cle of mine tell, the recollection of which, just now, "Well, gents," said a stout, hale personage of made me say therewere rummer things than women about forty, with only one eye-a very bright black to be met with, sometimes." eye, which twinkled with a roguish expression of fun " I should like to hear that same story," said the and good-humor, " our noble selves, gents. I always red-faced man with the cigar. propose that toast to the company, and drink Mary " Should you?" was the only reply of the bag-man, to myself. Eh, Mary!" who continued to smoke with great vehemence. " Get along with you, you wretch," said the hand- " So should I," said Mr. Tupnan, speaking for the maiden, obviously not ill pleased with the compli- first time. He was always anxious to increase his ment, however. stock of experience. " Don't go away, Mary," said the black-eyed man. "Should you? Well then, I'll tell it. No I won't. "Let me alone, imperence," said the young lady. I know you won't believe it," said the man with the "Never mind," said the one-eyed man, calling after roguish eye, making that organ look more roguish the girl as she left the room. "I'll step out by-and- than ever. by, Mary. Keep your spirits up, dear." Here he "If you say it's true, of course I shall," said Mr. went through the not very difficult process of wink- Tupman. 84 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Well, upon that understanding I'll tell you," re- ing a good pace notwithstanding, until a gust of plied the traveler. " Did you ever hear of the great wind, more furious than any that had yet assailed commercial house of Bilson and Slum? But it them, caused her to stop suddenly and plant her four doesn't matter though, whether you did or not, be- feet firmly against the ground, to prevent her being cause they retired from business long since. It's blown over. It's a special mercy that she did this, eighty years ago since the circumstance happened for if she had been blown over, the vixenish mare to a traveler for that house, but he was a particular was so light, and the gig was so light, and Tom Smart friend of my uncle's; and my uncle told the story to such a light-weight into the bargain, that they must me. It's a queer name; but he used to call it infallibly have all gone rolling over and over together, until they reached the confines of earth, or until THE BAG-MAN'S STORY, the wind fell; and in either case the probability is, and he used to tell it, something in this way. that neither the vixenish mare, nor the clay-colored " One winter's evening, about five o'clock, just as gig with the red wheels, nor Tom Smart, would ever it began to grow dusk, a man in a gig might have have been fit for service again. been seen urging his tired horse along the road which "'Well, damn my straps and whiskers,' says Tom leads across Marlborough Downs, in the direction of Smart-(Tom sometimes had an unpleasant knack Bristol. I say he might have been seen, and I have of swearing),' Damn my straps and whiskers,' says no doubt he would have been, if any body but a blind Tom,' if this ain't pleasant, blow me!" man had happened to pass that way; but the weath- "You'll very likely ask me why, as Tom Smart er was so bad, and the night so cold and wet, that had been pretty well blown already, he expressed nothing was out but the water, and so the traveler this wish to be submitted to the.same process again. jogged along in the middle of the road, lonesome and I can't say-all I know is, that Tom Smart said so dreary enough. If any bag-man of that day could -or at least he always told my uncle he said so, have caught sight of the little neck-or-nothing sort and it's just the same thing. of gig, with a clay-colored body and red wheels, and "' Blow me,' says Tom Smart; and the mare the vixenish ill-tempered, fast-going bay mare, that neighed as if she were precisely of the same opinlooked like a cross between a butcher's horse and a ion. two-penny post-office pony, he would have known at "' Cheer up, old girl,' said Tom, patting the bay once, that this traveler could have been no other mare on the neck with the end of his whip.'It than Tom Smart, of the great house of Bilson and won't do pushing on, such a night as this; the first Slum, Cateaton Street, City. However, as there was house we come to we'll put up at, so the faster you no bag-man to look on, nobody knew any thing at all go the sooner it's over. Soho, old girl-gentlyabout the matter; and so Tom Smart and his clay- gently.' colored gig with the red wheels, and the vixenish " Whether the vixenish mare was sufficiently well mare with the fast pace, went on together, keeping acquainted with the tones of Tom's voice to comprethe secret among them: and nobody was a bit the hend his meaning, or whether she found it colder wiser. standing still than moving on, of course I can't say. "There are many pleasanter places even in this But I can say that Tom had no sooner finished speakdreary world, than Marlborough Downs when it ing, than she pricked up her ears, and started forblows hard; and if you throw in besides,' a gloomy ward at a speed which made the clay-colored gig winter's evening, a miry and sloppy road, and a pelt- rattle till you would have supposed every one of the ing fall of heavy rain, and try the effect, by way of red spokes were going to fly out on the turf of Marlexperiment, in your own proper person, you will ex- borough Downs; and even Tom, whip as he was, perience the full force of this observation. couldn't stop or check her pace, until she drew up, "The wind blew-not up the road or down it, of her own accord, before a road-side inn on the though that's bad enough, but sheer across it, send- right-hand side of the way, about half a quarter of a ing the rain slanting down like the lines they used mile from the end of the Downs. to rule in the copy-books at school, to make the boys " Tom cast a hasty glance at the upper part of the slope well. For a moment it would die away, and house as he threw the reins to the hostler, and stuck the traveler would begin to delude himself into the the whip in the box. It was a strange old place, belief that, exhausted with its previous fury, it had built of a kind of shingle, inlaid, as it were, with quietly lain itself down to rest, when, whoo! he cross-beams, with gabled-topped windows projecting would hear it growling and whistling in the dis- completely over the pathway, and a low door with a tance, and on it would come rushing over the hill- dark porch, and a couple of steep steps leading down tops, and sweeping along the plain, gathering sound into the house, instead of the modern fashion of half and strength as it drew nearer, until it dashed with a dozen shallow ones leading up to it. It was a a heavy gust against horse and man, driving the comfortable-looking place though, for there was a sharp rain into their ears, and its cold damp breath strong, cheerful light in the bar-window, which shed into their very bones; and past them it would scour, a bright ray across the road, and even lighted up the far, far away, with a stunning roar, as if in ridicule hedge on the other side; and there was a red flickof their weakness, and triumphant in the conscious- ering light in the opposite window, one moment but ness of its own strength and power. faintly discernible, and the next gleaming strongly " The bay mare splashed away, through the mud through the drawn curtains, which intimated that a and water, with drooping ears; now and then toss- rousing fire was blazing within. Marking these liting her head as if to express her disgust at this very tie evidences with the eye of an experienced travungentlemanly behavior of the elements, but keep- eler, Tom dismounted with as much agility as his SNUGLY HOUSED. 85 half-fiozeu limbs would permit, and entered the fectly delightful. He ordered another tumbler, and house. then another-I am not quite certain whether he "In less than five minutes' time, Tom was en- didn't order another after that-but the more he sconced in the room opposite the bar-the very room drank of the hot punch, the more he thought of the where he had imagined the fire blazing-before a tall man. substantial matter-of-fact roaring fire, composed of "'Confound his impudence!' said Tom to himself, something short of a bushel of coals, and wood what business has he in that snug bar? Such an enough to make half a dozen decent gooseberry- ugly villain too!' said Tom.'If the widow had any bushes, piled half-way up the chimney, and roaring taste, she might surely pick up some better fellow and crackling with a sound that of itself would have than that.' Here Tom's eye wandered from the glass warmed the heart of any reasonable man. This on the chimney-piece to the glass on the table; and was comfortable, but this was not all, for a smartly as he felt himself becoming gradually sentimental, dressed girl, with a bright eye and a neat ankle, was he emptied the fourth tumbler of punch and ordered laying a very clean white cloth on the table; and as a fifth. Tom sat with his slippered feet on the fender, and "Tom Smart, gentlemen, had always been very his back to the open door, he saw a charming pros- much attached to the public line. It had long been pect of the bar reflected in the glass over the chim- his ambition to stand in a bar of his own, in a green ney-piece, with delightful rows of green bottles and coat, knee-cords, and tops. He had a great notion gold labels, together with jars of pickles and pre- of taking the chair at convivial dinners, and he had serves, and cheeses and boiled hams, and rounds of often thought how well he could preside in a room beef, arranged on shelves in the most tempting and of his own in the talking way, and what a capital delicious array. Well, this was comfortable too; but example he could set to his customers in the drinkeven this was not all-for in the bar, seated at tea ing department. All these things passed rapidly at the nicest possible little table, drawn close up be- through Tom's mind as he sat drinking the hot fore the brightest possible little fire, was a buxom punch by the roaring fire, and he felt very justly and widow of somewhere about eight-and-forty or there- properly indignant that the tall man should be in a about, with a face as comfortable as the bar, who fair way of keeping such an excellent house, while was evidently the landlady of the house, and the he, Tom Smart, was as far off from it as ever. So, supreme ruler over all these agreeable possessions. after deliberating over the two last tumblers, whethThere was only one drawback to the beauty of the er he hadn't a perfect right to pick a quarrel with whole picture, and that was a tall man-a very tall the tall man for having contrived to get into the man-in a brown coat and bright basket buttons, good graces of the buxom widow, Tom Smart at last and black whiskers, and wavy black hair, who was arrived at the satisfactory conclusion that he was seated at tea with the widow, and who it required a very ill-used and persecuted individual, and had no great penetration to discover was in a fair way better go to bed. of persuading her to be a widow no longer, but to "Up a wide and ancient staircase the smart girl confer upon him the privilege of sitting down in preceded Tom, shading the chamber candle with her that bar, for and during the whole remainder of the hand, to protect it from the currents of air which in term of his natural life. such a rambling old place might have found plenty " Tom Smart was by no means of an irritable or of room to disport themselves in, without blowing envious disposition, but somehow or other the tall the candle out, but which did blow it out nevertheman with the brown coat and the bright basket but- less; thus affording Tom's enemies an opportunity tons did rouse what little gall he had in his compo- of asserting that it was he, and not the wind, who sition, and did make him feel extremely indignant: extinguished the candle, and that while he pretended the more especially as he could now and then ob- to be blowing it alight again, he was in fact kissing serve, from his seat before the glass, certain. little af- the girl. Be this as it may, another light was obfectionate familiarities passing between the tall man tained, and Tom was conducted through a maze of and the widow, which sufficiently denoted that the rooms, and a labyrinth of passages, to the apartment tall man was as high in favor as he was in size. which had been prepared for his reception, where Tom was fond of hot punch-I may venture to say the girl bade him good-night, and left him alone. he was very fond of hot punch-and after he had "It was a good large room with big closets, and a seen the vixenish mare well fed and well littered bed which might have served for a whole boardingdown, and had eaten every bit of the nice little hot school, to say nothing of a couple of oaken presses dinner which the widow tossed up for him with her that would have held the baggage of a small army; own hands, he just ordered a tumbler of it, by way but what struck Tom's fancy most was a strange, of experiment. Now, if there was one thing in the grim-looking high-backed chair, carved in the most whole range of domestic art, which the widow could fantastic manner, with a flowered damask cushion, manufacture better than another, it was this iden- and the round knobs at the bottom of the legs caretical article; and the first tumbler was adapted to fully tied up in red cloth, as if it had got the gout in Tom Smart's taste with such peculiar nicety, that he its toes. Of any other queer chair, Tom would only ordered a second with the least possible delay. Hot have thought it was a queer chair, and there would punch is a pleasant thing, gentlemen-an extremely have been an end of the matter; but there was somepleasant thing under any circumstances- but in thing about this particular chair, and yet he couldn't that snug old parlor, before the roaring fire, with tell what it was, so odd and so unlike any other the wind blowing outside till every timber in the piece of furniture he had ever seen, that it seemed old house creaked again, Tom Smart found it per- to fascinate him. He sat down before the fire, and f86 THE PICKWICK CLUB. stared at the old chair for half an hour;-deuce take "Tom gazed at the chair; and, suddenly as he the chair, it was such a strange old thing, he couldn't looked at it, a most extraordinary change seemed to take his eyes off it. cpme over it. The carving of the back gradually "'Well,' said Tom, slowly undressing himself, and assumed the lineaments and expression of an old staring at the old chair all the while, which stood shriveled human face; the damask cushion became with a mysterious aspect by the bedside,' I never an antique, flapped waistcoat; the round knobs grew saw such a rum concern as that in my days. Very into a couple of feet, encased in red cloth slippers; odd' said Tom, who had got rather sage with the and the old chair looked like a very ugly old man, hot punch,'very odd.' Tom shook his head with of the previous century, with his arms akimbo. an air of profound wisdom, and looked at the chair Tom sat up in bed, and rubbed his eyes to dispel the again. He couldn't make any thing of it though, illusion. No. The chair was an ugly old gentleso he got into bed, covered himself up warm, and man; and what was more, he was winking at Tom fell asleep. Smart. "In about half an hour, Tom woke up, with a "Tom was naturally a headlong, careless sort of A MOST E\TBAORDINABY CHANGE SEEMED TO COME OVER IT. start, from a confused dream of tall men and tumblers dog, and he had had five tumblers of hot punch into of punch; and the first object that presented itself the bargain; so, although he was a little startled at to his wking imagination was the queer chair first, he began to grow rather indignant when he sa:7i "' I won't look at it any more,' said Tom to him- the old gentleman winking and leering at him with self, and he squeezed his eyelids together, and tried such an impudent air. At length he resolved that to persuade himself he was going to sleep again. No he wouldn't stand it; and as the old face still kept use; nothing but queer chairs danced before his eyes, winking away as fast as ever, Tom said, in a very kicking up their legs, jumping over each other's angry tone: backs, and playing all kinds of antics. "' What the devil are you winking at me for?' "' I may as well see one real chair, as two or three "'Because I like it, Tom Smart,' said the chair; complete sets of false ones,' said Tom, bringing out or the old gentleman, whichever you like to call him. his head from under the bed-clothes. There it was, He stopped winking though, when Tom spoke, and plainly discernible by the light of the fire, looking began grinning like a superannuated monkey. as provoking as ever. "' How do you know my name, old nut-cracker "SILEXCE FOR THE CHAIR!" 87 face! inquired Tom Smart, rather staggered;- "' You,' said the old gentleman. though he pretended to carry it off so well. "' Bless your reverend locks,' said Tom-(he had "' Come, come Tom,' said the old gentleman,'that's a few scattered horse-hairs left)-' bless your revernot the way to address solid Spanish Mahogany. end locks, she wouldn't have me.' And Tom sighed Dam'me, you couldn't treat me with less respect if I involuntarily, as he thought of the bar. was veneered.' When the old gentleman said this, "' Wouldn't she' said the old gentleman, firmly. he looked so fierce that Tom began to grow fright- "No, no,' said Tom; there's somebody else in the ened. wind. A tall man-a confoundedly tall man-with "' I didn't mean to treat you with any disrespect, black whiskers.' sir,' said Tom; in a much humbler tone than he had "'Tom,' said the old gentleman;'she will never spoken in at first. have him.' "'Well, well,' said the old fellow, perhaps not- "'Won't she?' said Tom.'If you stood in the bar, perhaps not. Tom-' old gentleman, you'd tell another story.' "' Sir-' "' Pooh, pooh,' said the old gentleman.'I know "'I know every thing about you, Tom; every all about that.' thing. You're very poor, Tom.' "'About what?' said Tom. "'I certainly am,' said Tom Smart.'But how "'The kissing behind the door, and all that sort came you to know that' of thing, Tom,' said the old gentleman. And here he "'Never mind that,' said the old gentleman; gave another impudent look, which made Tom very'you're much too fond of punch, Tom.' wroth, because as you all know, gentlemen, to hear "Tonm Smart was just on the point of protesting an old fellow, who ought to know better, talking that he hadn't tasted a drop since his last birth-day, about these things, is very unpleasant — nothing but when his eye encountered that of the old gentle- more so. man, he looked so knowing that Tom blushed, and "' I know all about that, Tom,' said the old genwas silent. tleman.'I have seen it done very often in my time, "' Tom,' said the old gentleman,' the widow's a Tom, between more people than I should like to menfine woman - remarkably fine woman-eh, Tom?' tion to you; but it never came to any thing after Here the old fellow screwed up his eyes, cocked up all.' one of his wasted little legs, and looked altogether "'You must have seen some queer things,' said so unpleasantly amorous, that Tom was quite dis- Tom, with an inquisitive look. gusted with the levity of his behavior;-at his time "' You may say that, Tom,' replied the old fellow, of life, too! with a very complicated wink.' I am the last of my "' I am her guardian, Tom,' said the old gentle- family, Tom,' said the old gentleman, with a melanman. choly sigh. "'Are you?' inquired Tom Smart. "' Was it a large one' inquired Tom Smart. "'I knew her mother, Tom,' said the old fellow; " There were twelve of us, Tom,' said the old genand her grandmother. She was very fond of me- tleman;'fine straight-backed, handsome fellows as made me this waistcoat, Tom.' you'd wish to see. None of your modern abortions "' IDid she?' said Tom Smart. -all with arms, and with a degree of polish, though'And these shoes,' said the old fellow, lifting up I say it that should not, which would have done your one of the red-cloth mufflers;' but don't mention it, heart good to behold.' Tom. I shouldn't like to have it known that she "'And what's become of the others, sir?' asked was so much attached to me. It might occasion Tom Smart. some unpleasantness in the family.' When the old "The old gentleman applied his elbow to his eye rascal said this, he looked so extremely impertinent, as he replied,'Gone, Tom, gone. We had hard servthat, as Tom Smart afterward declared, he could have ice, Tom, and they hadn't all my constitution. They sat upon him without remorse. got rheumatic about the legs and arms, and went "' I have'been a great favorite among the women into kitchens and other hospitals; and one of'em, in my time, Tom,' said the profligate old debauchee; with long service and hard usage, positively lost his' hundreds of fine women have sat in my lap for hours senses: -he got so crazy that he was obliged to be together. What do you think of that, you dog, eh!' burned. Shocking thing that, Tom.' The old gentleman was proceeding to recount some "'Dreadful!' said Tom Smart. other exploits of his youth, when he was seized with "The old fellow paused for a few minutes, apparsuch a violent fit of creaking that he was unable to ently struggling with his feelings of emotion, and proceed. then said: "' Just serves you right, old boy,' thought Tom "' However, Tom, I am wandering from the point. Smart; but he didn't say any thing. This tall man, Tom, is a rascally adventurer. The "'Ah!' said the old fellow,'I am a good deal trou- moment he married the widow, he would sell off all bled with this now. I am getting old, Tom, and have the furniture, and run away. What would be the lost nearly all my rails. I have had an operation consequence? She would be deserted and reduced performed, too-a small piece let into my back- to ruin, and I should catch my death of cold in some and I found it a severe trial, Tom.' broker's shop.' "' I dare say you did, sir,' said Tom Smart. " Yes, but-' "'However,' said the old gentleman,'that's not "'Don't interrupt me,' said the old gentleman. the point. Tom! I want you to marry the widow.''Of you, Tom, I entertain a very different opinion; " Me, sir!' said Tom. for I well know that if you once settled yourself in 88 THE PICKWICK CLUB. a public-house, you would never leave it, as long as with his hands behind him, quite at home. He there was any thing to drink within its walls.' grinned vacantly at Tom. A casual observer might "'I am very much obliged to you for your good have supposed he did it, only to show his white teeth; opinion, sir,' said Tom Smart. but Tom Smart thought that a consciousness of tri"'Therefore,' resumed the old gentleman, in a dic- umph was passing through the place where the tall tatorial tone;'you shall have her, and he shall not.' man's mind would have been, if he had had any. "'What is to prevent it?' said Tom Smart, eagerly. Tom laughed in his face; and summoned the land" This disclosure,' replied the old gentleman;'he lady. is already married.' "' Good-morning, ma'am,'said Tom Smart, closing "'How can I prove it' said Tom, starting half the door of the little parlor as the widow entered. out of bed. "' Good-morning, sir,' said the widow.' What will "The old gentleman untucked his arm from his you take for breakfast, sir? side, and having pointed to one of the oaken presses, " Tom was thinking how he should open the case, immediately replaced it in its old position. so he made no answer. " He little thinks,' said the old gentleman,' that " There's a very nice ham,' said the widow,' and a in the right-hand pocket of a pair of trowsers in that beautiful cold larded fowl. Shall I send'em in, sir? press, he has left a letter, entreating him to return to "These words roused Tom from his reflections. his disconsolate wife, with six-mark me, Tom-six His admiration of the widow increased as she spoke. babes, and all of them small ones.' Thoughtful creature! Comfortable provider! "As the old gentleman solemnly uttered these "'Who is that gentleman in the bar, ma'am? inwords, his features grew less and less distinct, and quired Tom. his figure more shadowy. A film came over Tom " His name is Jinkins, sir,' said the widow, slightSmart's eyes. The old man seemed gradually blend- ly blushing. ing into the chair, the damask waistcoat to resolve "' He's a tall man,' said Tom. into a cushion, the red slippers to shrink into little "'He is a very fine man, sir,' replied the widow, red cloth bags. The light faded gently away, and'and a very nice gentleman.' Tom Smart fell back on his pillow, and dropped "'Ah! said Tom. asleep. " Is there any thing more you want, sir?' inquired " Morning aroused Tom from the lethargic slum- the widow, rather puzzled by Tom's manner. her, into which he had fallen on the disappearance " Why, yes,' said Tom.'My dear ma'am, will you of the old man. He sat up in bed, and for some have the kindness to sit down for one moment' minutes vainly endeavored to recall the events of "The widow looked much amazed, but she sat the preceding night. Suddenly they rushed upon down, and Tom sat down too, close beside her. I him. He looked at the chair; it was a fantastic don't know how it happened, gentlemen-indeed and grim-looking piece of furniture, certainly, but it my uncle used to tell me that Tom Smart said he must have been a remarkably ingenious and lively didn't know how it happened either-but somehow imagination, that could have discovered any resem- or other the palm of Tom's hand fell upon the back blance between it and an old man. of the widow's hand, and remained there while he "'How are you, old boy?' said Tom. He was spoke. bolder in the daylight-most men are. "'My dear ma'am,' said Tom Smart-he had al"The chair remained motionless, and spoke not a ways a great notion of committing the amiableword.'my dear ma'am, you deserve a very excellent hus"'Miserable morning,' said Tom. No. The chair band;-you do indeed.' would not be drawn into conversation. "'Lor, sir!' said the widow-as well she might: " Which press did you point to?-you can tell Tom's mode of commencing the conversation being me that,' said Tom. Devil a word, gentlemen, the rather unusual, not to say startling: the fact of his chair would say. never having set eyes upon her before the previous "' It's not much trouble to open it, anyhow,' said night, being taken into consideration.' Lor, sir." Tom, getting out of bed very deliberately. He walk- "' I scorn to flatter, my dear ma'am,' said Tom ed up to one of the presses. The key was in the Smart.'You deserve a very admirable husband, lock; he turned it, and opened the door. There was and whoever he is, he'll be a very lucky man.' As a pair of trowsers there. He put his hand into the Tom said this, his eye involuntarily wandered from pocket, and drew forthi the identical letter the old the widow's face to the comforts around him. gentleman had described! " The widow looked more puzzled than ever, and "' Queer sort of thing, this,' said Tom Smart; look- made an effort to rise. Tom gently pressed her hand, ing first at the chair and then at the press, and then as if to detain her, and she kept her seat. Widows, at the letter, and then at the chair again.'Very gentlemen, are not usually timorous, as my uncle queer,' said Tom. But, as there was nothing in ei- used to say. ther to lessen the queerness, he thought he might " I am sure I am very much obliged to you, sir, as well dress himself, and settle the tall man's busi- for your good opinion,' said the buxom landlady, ness at once-just to put him out of his misery. half laughing;'and if ever I marry again-' "Tom surveyed the rooms he passed through, on "' If,' said Tom Smart, looking very shrewdly out his way down stairs, with the scrutinizing eye of of the right-hand corner of his left eye' If-' a landlord; thinking it not impossible that, before "'Well,' said the widow, laughing outright this long, they and their contents would be his property. time.' When I do, I hope I shall have as good a husThe tall man was standing in the snug little bar, band as you describe.' TOM SMART AND THE WIDOW. 89 "'Jinkins, to wit,' said Tom. "At all events, Tom kicked the very tall man out "' Lor, sir!' exclaimed the widow. at the front door half an hour after, and married the "' Oh, don't tell me,' said Tom,'I know him.' widow a month after. And he used to drive about "'I am sure nobody who knows him, knows any the country, with the clay-colored gig with red thing bad of him,' said the widow, bridling up at the wheels, and the vixenish mare with the fast pace, till mysterious air with which Tom had spoken. he gave up business many years afterward, and went "'Hem!' said Tomn Smart. to France with his wife; and then the old house was " The widow began to think it was high time to pulled down." cry, so she took out her handkerchief, and inquired whether Tom wished to insult her: whether he "Will you allow me to ask you," said the inquisithought it like a gentleman to take away the char- tive old gentleman, " what became of the chair?" acter of another gentleman behind his back: why, "Why," replied the one-eyed bag-man, "it was if he had got any thing to say, he didn't say it to the observed to creak very much on the day of the man, like a man, instead of terrifying a poor weak wedding; but Tom Smart couldn't say for certain woman in that way; and so forth. whether it was with pleasure or bodily infirmity. "' I'll say it to him fast enough,' said Tom,'only I He rather thought it was the latter, though, for it want you to hear it first.' never spoke afterward." " What is it V' inquired the widow, looking in- "Every body believed the story, didn't they?" said tently in Tom's countenance. the dirty-faced man, refilling his pipe. " I'll astonish you,' said Tom, putting his hand "Except Tom's enemies," replied the bag-man. in his pocket. "Some of'em said Tom invented it altogether; and "' If it is, that he wants money,' said the widow,' I others said he was drunk, and fancied it, and got know that already, and you needn't trouble yourself.' hold of the wrong trowsers by mistake before he "'Pooh, nonsense, that's nothing,' said Tom Smart; went to bed. But nobody ever minded what they'I want money.'Tan't that.' said." "' Oh, dear, what can it be?' exclaimed the poor "Tom said it was all true?" widow. "Every word." "' Don't be frightened,' said Tom Smart. He slow- "And your uncle?" ly drew forth the letter, and unfolded it.' You won't "Every letter." scream?' said Tom, doubtfully. "They must have been very nice men, both of "' No, no,' replied the widow;' let me see it.' em," said the dirty-faced man. "' You won't go fainting away, or any of that non- "Yes, they were," replied the bag-man; " very nice sense?' said Tom. men indeed!" " No, no,' returned the widow, hastily. "' And don't run out, and blow him up,' said Tom, because I'll do all that for you; you had better not exert yourself.' CHAPTER XV.' Well, well,' said the widow,' let me see it.' I will,' replied Tom Smart; and, with these IN WHICH IS GIVEN A FAITHFUL PORTRAITURE OF "I will,' replied Tom Smart; and, with theseDISTINGUISHED PERSONS; AND AN ACCURATE words, he placed the letter in the widow's hand. TDO DISTINGUISHED PERSONS AND AN ACCURATE " Gentlemen, I have heard my uncle say, that Tom DESCRIPTION OF A PUBLIC BREAKFAST IN THEIR Smart said, the widow's lamentations when she heard HOUSE AND GROUND HCH ULIC RAFAT Tom was certainly very tender-hearted, but they ANCE, AND THE COMMENCEMENT OF ANOTHER pierced his, to the very core. The widow rocked CHAPTER. herself to and fro, and wrung her hands. /[R. PICKWICK'S conscience had been somewhat "' Oh, the deception and villainy of man!' said the Il reproaching him for his recent neglect of his widow. friends at the Peacock; and he was just on the point "' Frightful, my dear ma'am; but compose your- of walking forth in quest of them, on the third mornself,' said Tom Smart. ing after the election had terminated, when his faith"' Oh, I can't compose myself,' shrieked the wid- ful valet put into his hand a card, on which was enow. I shall never find any one else I can love so graved the following inscription: much!' "' Oh yes you will, my dear soul,' said Tom Smart; mrs. aeo 10Unter. letting fall a shower of the largest-sized tears, in pity The Den. Eatanswill. for the widow's misfortunes. Tom Smart, in the energy of his compassion, had put his arm round the "Person's a-waitin'," said Sam, epigrammatically. widow's waist; and the widow, in a passion of grief, "Does the person want me, Sam?" inquired Mr. had clasped Tom's hand. She looked up in Tom's Pickwick. face and smiled through her tears. Tom looked "He wants you particular; and no one else'11 do, down in hers, and smiled through his. as the Devil's private secretary said ven he fetched "I neyer could find out, gentlemen, whether Tom avay Doctor Faustus," replied Mr. Weller. did or did not kiss the widow at that particular mo- "He. Is it a gentleman?" said Mr. Pickwick. ment. He used to tell my uncle he didn't, but I have "A wery good imitation o' one, if it an't," replied my doubts about it. Between ourselves, gentlemen, Mr. Weller. I rather think he did. "But this is a lady's card," said Mr. Pickwick. 90 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Given me by a gen'lm'n, hows'ever," replied Sam,'Can I view thee panting, lying " and he's a-waitin' in the drawing-room-said he' On thy stomach, without sighing; rather wait all day, than not see you."an I nmove see thee dying Mr. Pickwick, on hearing this determination, de- Ex fro og " scended to the drawing-room, where sat a grave man, who started up on his entrance, and said, with " Beautiful!" said Mr. Pickwick. an air of profound respect: " Fine," said Mr. Leo Hunter, "so simple." "Mr. Pickwick, I presume I" "Very," said Mr. Pickwick. "The same." "The next verse is still more touching. Shall I "Allow me, sir, the honor of grasping your hand. repeat it?" Permit me, sir, to shake it," said the grave man. "If you please," said Mr. Pickwick. "Certainly," said Mr. Pickwick. "It runs thus," said the grave man, still more The stranger shook the extended hand, and then, gravely. continued. * Say, have fiends in shape of boys, "We have heard of your fame, sir. The noise of With wild halloo, and brutal noise, your antiquarian discussion has reached the ears of Hunted thee from marshyjoys, With a dog, Mrs. Leo Hunter-my wife, sir; I am Mr. Leo Hun- Exiring frog " ter"-the stranger paused, as if he expected that Mr. Pickwick would be overcome by the disclosure; "Finely expressed," said Mr. Pickwick. but seeing that he remained perfectly calm, pro- "All point, sir," said Mr. Leo Hunter; "but you ceeded. shall hear Mrs. Leo Hunter repeat it. She can do "My wife, sir- Mrs. Leo Hunter - is proud to justice to it, sir. She will repeat it, in character, sir, number among her acquaintance all those who have to-morrow morning." rendered themselves celebrated by their works and "In character!" talents. Permit me, sir, to place in a conspicuous "As Minerva. But I forgot-it's a fancy-dress part of the list the name of Mr. Pickwick, and his breakfast." brother members of the club that derives its name "Dear me," said Mr. Pickwick, glancing at his from him." own figure-" I can't possibly-" " I shall be extremely happy to make the acquaint- "Can't, sir; can't!" exclaimed Mr. Leo Hunter. ance of such a lady, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick. "Solomon Lucas, the Jew in the High Street, has thou"You shall make it, sir," said the grave man. sands of fancy dresses. Consider, sir, how many appro"To-morrow morning, sir, we give a public break- priate characters are open for your selection. Plato, fast-a fete chanmpetre-to a great number of those Zeno, Epicurus, Pythagoras-all founders of clubs." who have rendered themselves celebrated by their "I know that," said Mr. Pickwick, "but as I can works and talents. Permit Mrs. Leo Hunter, sir, to not put myself in competition with those great men, have the gratification of seeing you at the Den." I can not presume to wear their dresses." " With great pleasure," replied Mr. Pickwick. The grave man considered deeply, for a few sec"Mrs. Leo Hunter has many of these breakfasts, onds, and then said, sir," resumed the new acquaintance-"' feasts of "On reflection, sir, I don't know whether it would reason, sir, and flows of soul,' as somebody who not afford Mrs. Leo Hunter greater pleasure, if her wrote a sonnet to Mrs. Leo Hunter on her breakfasts, guests saw a gentleman of your celebrity in his own feelingly and originally observed." costume, rather than in an assumed one. I may ven"Was he celebrated for his works and talents?" ture to promise an exception in your case, sir-yes, I inquired Mr. Pickwick. am quite certain that on behalf of Mrs. Leo Hunter, " He was, sir," replied the grave man, " all Mrs. I may venture to do so." Leo Hunter's acquaintance are; it is her ambition, "In that case," said Mr. Pickwick, "I shall have sir, to have no other acquaintance." great pleasure in coming." "It is a very noble ambition," said Mr. Pickwick. "But I waste your time, sir," said the grave man, "When I inform Mrs. Leo Hunter, that that re- as if suddenly recollecting himself. " I know its mark fell from your lips, sir, she will indeed be value, sir. I will not detain you. I may tell Mrs. proud," said the grave man. "You have a gentle- Leo Hunter, then, that she may confidently expect man in your train, who has produced some beautiful you and yourdistinguished friends? Good-morning, little poems, I think, sir." sir, I am proud to have beheld so eminent a person"My friend Mr. Snodgrass has a great taste for age-not a step, sir; not a word." And without givpoetry," replied Mr. Pickwick. ing Mr. Pickwick time to offer remonstrance or de" So has Mrs. Leo Hunter, sir. *She dotes on poet- nial, Mr. Leo Hunter stalked gravely away. ry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole Mr. Pickwick took up his hat, and repaired to the soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. Peacock, but Mr. Winkle had conveyed the intelliShe has produced some delightful pieces herself, sir. gence of the fancy ball there, before him. You may have met with ler'Ode to an Expiring "Mrs. Pott's going," were the first words with Frog,' sir." which he saluted his leader. " I don't think I have," said Mr. Pickwick. "Is she?" said Mr. Pickwick. " You astonish me, sir," said Mr. Leo Hunter. "It "As Apollo," replied Mr. Winkle. "Only Pott created an immense sensation. It was signed with objects to the tunic." an'L' and eight stars, and appeared originally in a " He' is right. He is quite right," said Mr. PickLady's Magazine. It commenced wick emphatically. PICKWICKIAN WARMTH. 91 "Yes;-so she's going to wear a white satin gown " Sir," said Mr. Tupman, "you're a fellow." with gold spangles." "Sir," said Mr. Pickwick, "you're another!" "They'll hardly know what she's meant for; will Mr. Tupman advanced a step or two, and glared they?" inquired Mr. Snodgrass. at Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Pickwick returned the glare, "Of course they will," replied Mr. Winkle indig- concentrated into a focus by means of his spectacles, nantly. "They'll see her lyre, won't they?" and breathed a bold defiance. Mr. Snodgrass and "True; I forgot that," said Mr. Snodgrass. Mr. Winkle looked on, petrified at beholding such "I shall go as a Bandit," interposed Mr. Tupman. a scene between two such men. "What!" said Mr. Pickwick, with a sudden start. " Sir," said Mr. Tupman, after a short pause, speak"As a bandit," repeated Mr. Tupman, mildly. ing in a low, deep voice," you have called me old." "You don't mean to say," said Mr. Pickwick, gaz- "I have," said Mr. Pickwick. ing with solemn sternness at his friend, "you don't "And fat." mean to say, Mr. Tupman, that it is your intention "I reiterate the charge." ij 1!I L i ( "COME ON, SIR!" REPLIED MR. PIOKWICK. to put yourself into a green velvet jacket, with a "And a fellow." two-inch tail?" "So you are!" "Such is my intention, sir," replied Mr. Tupman There was a fearful pause. warmly. "And why not, sir?" "My attachment to your person, sir," said Mr. "Because, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, considerably Tupman, speaking in a voice tremulous with emo-cited. " Because you are too old, sir." tion, and tucking up his wristbands meanwhile, " is "Too old!" exclaimed Mr. Tupman. great-very great-but upon that person, I must "And if any further ground of objection be want- take summary vengeance." ing," continued Mr. Pickwick, "you are too fat, sir." "Come on, sir!" replied Mr. Pickwick. Stimu" Sir," said Mr. Tupman, his face suffused with a lated by the exciting nature of the dialogue, the crimson glow. " This is an insult." heroic man actually threw himself into a paralytic " Sir," replied Mr. Pickwick in the same tone, " it attitude, confidently supposed by the two by-standers is not half the insult to you, that your appearance to have been intended as a posture of defense. in my presence in a green velvet jacket, with a two- "What!" exclaimed Mr. Snodgrass, suddenly reinch tail, would be to me." covering the power of speech, of which intense as ~~~92 TETHE PICKWICK CLUB. tonishment had previously bereft hin, and rushing Eastern Fairy-land itself would appear to be clothed between the two, at the imminent hazard of receiv- in as many dark and murky colors, as must be the ing an application on the temple from each, "What! mind of the splenetic and unmanly being who could Mr. Pickwick, with the eyes of the world upon you! presume to taint with the venom of his envy, the Mr. Tupman! Who, in common with us all, derives preparations making by the virtuous and highly disa lustre from his undying name! For shame, gentle- tinguished lady, at whose shrine this humble tribute men; for shame." of admiration was offered." This last was a piece The unwonted lines which momentary passion had of biting sarcasm against the Independent, who in ruled in Mr. Pickwick's clear and open brow, gradu- consequence of not having been invited at all, had ally melted away, as his young friend spoke, like the been through four numbers affecting to sneer at the marks of a black-lead pencil beneath the softening whole affair, in his very largest type, with all the influence of india-rubber. His countenance had re- adjectives in capital letters. sumed its usual benign expression, ere he concluded. The morning came: it was a pleasant sight to be"I have been hasty," said Mr. Pickwick, "very hold Mr. Tupman in full Brigand's costume, with a hasty. Tupman, your hand." very tight jacket, sitting like a pincushion over his The dark shadow passed from Mr. Tupman's face, back and shoulders: the upper portion of his legs as he warmly grasped the hand of his friend. encased in the velvet shorts, and the lower part "I have been hasty, too," said he. thereof swathed in the complicated bandages to "No, no," interrupted Mr. Pickwick, "the fault which all Brigands are peculiarly attached. It was was mine. You will wear the green velvet jacket?" pleasing to see his open and ingenuous countenance, "No, no," replied Mr. Tupman. well mustached and corked, looking out from an "To oblige me, you will," resumed Mr. Pickwick. open shirt-collar; and to contemplate the sugar-loaf "Well, well, I will," said Mr. Tupman. hat, decorated with ribbons of all colors, which he It was accordingly settled that Mr. Tupman, Mr. was compelled to carry on his knee, inasmuch as no Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass, should all wear fancy known conveyance with a top to it would admit of dresses. Thus Mr. Pickwick was led by the very any man's carrying it between his head and the warmth of his own good feelings to give his consent roof. Equally humorous and agreeable was the apto a proceeding from which his better judgment pearance of Mr. Snodgrass in blue satin trunks and would have recoiled-a more striking illustration of cloak, white silk tights and shoes, and Grecian helhis amiable character could hardly have been con- met: which every body knows (and if they do not, ceived, even if the events recorded in these pages had Mr. Solomon Lucas did) to have been the regular, been wholly imaginary. authentic, every-day costume of a Troubadour, from Mr. Leo Hunter had not exaggerated the resources the earliest ages down to the time of their final disof Mr. Solomon Lucas. His wardrobe was extensive appearance from the face of the earth. All this was -very extensive-not strictly classical perhaps, nor pleasant, but this was as nothing, compared with the quite new, nor did it contain any one garment made shouting of the populace when the carriage drew up, precisely after the fashion of any age or time, but behind Mr. Pott's chariot, which chariot itself drew every thing was more or less spangled; and what up at Mr. Pott's door, which door itself opened, and can be prettier than spangles! It may be objected displayed the great Pott accoutred as a Russian ofthat they are not adapted to the daylight, but every ficer of justice, with a tremendous knout in his hand body knows that they would glitter if there were -tastefully typical of the stern and mighty power lamps; and nothing can be clearer than that if peo- of the Eatanswill Gazette, and the fearful lashings it pie give fancy balls in the day-time, and the dresses bestowed on public offenders. do not show quite as well as they would by night, "Bravo!" shouted Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass the fault lies solely with the people who give the from the passage, when they beheld the walking alfancy balls, and is in no wise chargeable on the legory. spangles. Such was the convincing reasoning of "Bravo!" Mr. Pickwick was heard to exclaim, Mr. Solomon Lucas; and influenced by such argu- from the passage. ments did Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snod- "Hoo-roar Pott!" shouted the populace. Amidst grass, engage to array themselves in costumes which these salutations, Mr. Pott, smiling with that kind his taste and experience induced him to recommend of bland dignity which sufficiently testified that he as admirably suited to the occasion. felt his power, and knew how to exert it, got into A carriage was hired from the Town Arms, for the the chariot. accommodation of the Pickwickians, and a chariot Then there emerged from the house, Mrs. Pott, was ordered from the same repository, for the pur- who would have looked verylike Apollo if she hadn't pose of conveying Mr. and Mrs. Pott to Mrs. Leo had a gown on: conducted by Mr. Winkle, who in Hunter's grounds, which Mr. Pott, as a delicate ac- his light-red coat, could not possibly have been misknowledgment of having received an invitation, had taken for any thing but a sportsman, if he had not already confidently predicted in the Eatanswill Ga- borne an equal resemblance to a general postman. zette " would present a scene of varied and delicious Last of all came Mr. Pickwick, whom the boys apenchantment-a bewildering coruscation of beauty plauded as loud as any body, probably under the imand talent-a lavish and prodigal display of hospi- pression that his tights and gaiters were some remtality-above all, a degree of splendor softened by nants of the Dark Ages; and then the two vehicles the most exquisite taste; and adornment refined with proceeded toward Mrs. Leo Hunter's: Mr. Weller perfect harmony and the chastest good keeping- (who was to assist in waiting) being stationed on compared with which, the fabled gorgeousness of the box of that in which his master was seated. A DISTING UISHED FOREIGNER. 93 Every one of the men, women, boys, girls, and ba- "Mr. Pickwick," said Mrs. Leo Hunter, "I must bies, who were assembled to see the visitors in their make you promise not to stir from my side the whole fancy dresses, screamed with delight and ecstasy, day. There are hundreds of people here, that I must when Mr. Pickwick, with the Brigand on one arm, positively introduce you to." and the Troubadour on the other, walked solemnly "You are very kind, ma'am," said Mr. Pickwick. up the entrance. Never were such shouts heard, as "In the first place, here are my little girls; I had those which greeted Mr. Tupman's efforts to fix the almost forgottenthem," saidMinerva, carelesslypointsugar-loaf hat on his head, by way of entering the ing toward a couple of full-grown young ladies, of garden in style. whom one might be about twenty, and the other a The preparations were on the most delightful year or two older, and who were dressed in very scale; fully realizing the prophetic Pott's anticipa- juvenile costumes-whether to make them look tions about the gorgeousness of Eastern Fairy-land, young, or their mamma younger, Mr. Pickwick does and at once affording a sufficient contradiction to not distinctly inform us. the malignant statements of the reptile Independ- " They are very beautiful," said Mr. Pickwick, as ent. The grounds were more than an acre and a the juveniles turned away, after being presented. quarter in extent, and they were filled with people! " They are very like their mamma, sir," said Mr. Never was such a blaze of beauty, and fashion, and Pott, majestically. literature. There was the young lady who "did" "Oh you naughty man," exclaimed Mrs. Leo Hunthe poetry in the Eatanswill Gazette, in the garb of ter, playfully tapping the Editor's arm with her fan a sultana, leaning upon the arm of the young gentle- (Minerva with a fan!). man who "did" the review department, and who "Why now, my dear Mrs. Hunter," said Mr. Pott, was appropriately habited in a field-marshal's uni- who was trumpeter in ordinary at the Den, "you form-the boots excepted. There were hosts of know that when your picture was in the Exhibition these geniuses, and any reasonable person would of the Royal Academy, last year, every body inquired have thought it honor enough to meet them. But whether it was intended for you, or your youngest more than these, there were half a dozen lions from daughter; for you were so much alike that there London-authors, real authors, who had written was no telling the difference between you." whole books, and printed them afterward-and here " Well, and if they did, why need you repeat it you might see'em, walking about, like ordinary before strangers?" said Mrs. Leo Hunter, bestowing men, smiling, and talking-ay, and talking pretty another tap on the slumbering lion of the Eatanswill considerable nonsense too, no doubt with the benign Gazette. intention of rendering themselves intelligible to the " Count, Count," screamed Mrs. Leo Hunter to a common people about them. Moreover, there was a well-whiskered individual in a foreign uniform, who band of music in pasteboard caps; four something- was passing by. ean singers in the costume of their country, and a "Ah! you want me?" said the Count, turning back. dozen hired waiters in the costume of their country "I want to introduce two very clever people to -and very dirty costume too. And above all, there each other," said Mrs. Leo Hunter. " Mr. Pickwick, was Mrs. Leo Hunter in the character of Minerva, I have great pleasure in introducing you to Count receiving the company, and overflowing with pride Smorltork." She added in a hurried whisper to Mr. and gratification at the notion of having called such Pickwick-" the famous foreigner-gathering matedistinguished individuals together. rials for his great work on England-hem!-Count "Mr. Pickwick, ma'am," said a servant, as that Smorltork, Mr. Pickwick." gentleman approached the presiding goddess, with Mr. Pickwick saluted the Count with all the revhis hat in his hand, and the Brigand and Troubadour erence due to so great a man, and the Count drew on either arm. forth a set of tablets. " What! Where!" exclaimed Mrs. Leo. Hunter, " What you say, Mrs. Hunt?" inquired the Count, starting up, in an affected rapture of surprise, smiling graciously on the gratified Mrs. Leo Hunter, " Here," said Mr. Pickwick. "Pig Vig or Big Vig-what you call-Lawyer-eh? " Is it possible that I have really the gratification I see-that is it. Big Vig"-and the Count was proof beholding Mr. Pickwick himself?" ejaculated Mrs. ceeding to enter Mr. Pickwick in his tablets, as a Leo Hunter. gentleman of the long robe, who derived his name " No other, ma'am," replied Mr. Pickwick, bowing from the profession to which he belonged, when Mrs. very low. "Permit me to introduce my friends- Leo Hunter interposed. Mr. Tupman-Mr. Winkle-Mr. Snodgrass-to the "No, no, Count," said the lady, " Pick-wick." authoress of' The Expiring Frog."' "Ah, ah, I see," replied the Count. " Peek-chrisVery few people but those who have tried it, know tian name; Weeks-surname; good, ver good. Peek what a difficult process it is, to bow in green velvet Weeks. How you do, Weeks?" smalls, and a tight jacket, and high-crowned hat; or " Quite well, I thank you," replied Mr. Pickwick, in blue satin trunks and white silks: or knee-cords with all his usual affability. " Have you been long and top-boots that were never made for the wearer, in England?" and have been fixed upon him without the remotest "Long-ver long time-fortnight-more.", reference to the comparative dimensions of himself "Do you stay here long?" and the suit. Never were such distortions as Mr. "One week." Tupman's frame underwent in his efforts to appear "You will have enough to do," said Mr. Pickwick, easy and graceful-never was such ingenious postur- smiling, " to gather all the materials you want, in ing, as his fancy-dressed friends exhibited. that time." 94 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Eh, they are gathered," said the Count. an Expiring Frog, which was encored once, and "Indeed!" said Mr. Pickwick. would have been encored twice, if the major part of "They are here," added the Count, tapping his the guests, who thought it was high time to get forehead significantly. "Large book at home-full something to eat, had not said that it was perfectly of notes-music, picture, science, poetry, poltic; all shameful to take advantage of Mrs. Hunter's goodtings." nature. So although Mrs. Leo Hunter professed her " The word politics, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, " com- perfect willingness to recite the ode again, her kind prises, in itself, a difficult study of no inconsiderable and considerate friends wouldn't hear of it on any magnitude." account; and the refreshment-room being thrown "Ah!" said the Count, drawing out the tablets open, all the people who had ever been there before again, "ver good-fine words to begin a chapter. scrambled in with all possible dispatch: Mrs. Leo Chapter forty-seven. Poltics. The word poltic sur- Hunter's usual course of proceeding, being, to issue prises by himself-" And down went Mr. Pick- cards for a hundred, and breakfast for fifty, or in wick's remark, in Count Smorltork's tablets, with other words to feed only the very particular lions, such variations and additions as the Count's exuber- and let the smaller animals take care of themselves. ant fancy suggested, or his imperfect knowledge of "Where is Mr. Pott?" said Mrs. Leo Hunter, as the language occasioned. she placed the aforesaid lions around her. " Count," said Mrs. Leo Hunter. "Here I am," said the editor, from the remotest " Mrs. Hunt," replied the Count. end of the room; far beyond all hope of food, unless " This is Mr. Snodgrass, a friend of Mr. Pickwick's, something was done for him by the hostess. and a poet." " Won't you come up here?" " Stop," exclaimed the Count, bringing out the "Oh pray don't mind him," said Mrs. Pott, in the tablets once more. " Head, potry-chapter, literary most obliging voice-" you give yourself a great friends-name, Snowgrass; ver good. Introduced deal of unnecessary trouble, Mrs. Hunter. You'll do to Snowgrass-great poet, friend of Peek Weeks- very well there, won't you-dear?" by Mrs. Hunt, which wrote other sweet poem-what "Certainly-love," replied the unhappy Pott, with is that name?-Fog-Perspiring Fog-ver good- a grim smile. Alas for the knout! The nervous ver good indeed." And the Count put up his tab- arm that wielded it, with such gigantic force, on lets, and with sundry bows and acknowledgments public characters, was paralyzed beneath the glance walked away, thoroughly satisfied that he had made of the imperious Mrs. Pott. the most important and valuable additions to his Mrs. Leo Hunter looked round her in triumph. stock of information. Count Smorltork was busily engaged in taking notes " Wonderful man, Count Smorltork," said Mrs. Leo of the contents of the dishes; Mr. Tupman was doing Hunter. the honors of the lobster salad to several lionesses, "Sound philosopher," said Mr. Pott. with a degree of grace which no Brigand ever exhib" Clear-headed, strong-minded person," added Mr. ited before; Mr. Snodgrass having cut. out the young Snodgrass. gentleman who cut up the books for the Eatanswill A chorus of by-standers took up the shout of Count Gazette, was engaged in an impassioned argument Smorltork's praise, shook their heads sagely, and with the young lady who did the poetry: and Mr. unanimously cried "Very!" Pickwick was making himself universally agreeable. As the enthusiasm in Count Smorltork's favor ran Nothing seemed wanting to render the select circle very high, his praises might have been sung until complete, when Mr. Leo Hunter-whose department the end of the festivities, if the four something-ean on these occasions, was to stand about in door-ways, singers had not ranged themselves in front of a small and talk to the less important people-suddenly apple-tree, to look picturesque, and commenced sing- called outing their national songs, which appeared by no "My dear, here's Mr. Charles Fitz-Marshall." means difficult of execution, inasmuch as the grand "Oh dear," said Mrs. Leo Hunter," how anxiously secret seemed to be, that three of the something-ean I have been expecting him. Pray make room, to let singers should grunt, while the fourth howled. This Mr. Fitz-Marshall pass. Tell Mr. Fitz-Marshall, my interesting performance having concluded amidst the dear, to come up to me directly, to be scolded for loud plaudits of the whole company, a boy forthwith coming so late." proceeded to entangle himself with the rails of a "Coming, my dear ma'am," cried a voice, "as chair, and to jump over it, and crawl under it, and quick as I can-crowds of people-full room-hard fall down with it, and do every thing but sit upon it, work-very." and then to make a cravat of his legs, and tie them Mr. Pickwick's knife and fork fell from his hand. round his neck, and then to illustrate the ease with He stared across the table at Mr Tupman, who had which a human being can be made to look like a dropped his knife and fork, and was looking as if he magnified toad-all which feats yielded high delight were about to sink into the ground without further and satisfaction to the assembled spectators. After notice. which, the voice of'Mrs. Pott was heard to chirp "Ah!" cried the voice, as its owner pushed his faintly forth, something which courtesy interpreted way among the last five-and-twenty Turks, officers, into a song, which was all very classical, and strictly cavaliers, and Charles the Seconds, that remained in character, because Apollo was himself a composer, between him and the table, " regular mangle —Baand composers can very seldom sing their own music ker's patent-not a crease in my coat, after all this or any body else's, either. This was succeeded by squeezing-might have'got up my linen' as I came Mrs. Leo Hunter's recitation of her far-famed Ode to along-ha! ha! not a bad idea, that-queer thing SUDDEN DEPARTURE OF MR. PICKWICK. 95 to have it mangled when it's upon one, though-try- CHAPTER XVI. ing process-very." With these broken words, a young man dressed asT FULL OF ADVENTURE TO BE BRIEFLY DEa naval officer made his way up to the table, andSCRIBED. presented to the astonished Pickwickians the iden- FHERE is no month in the whole year in which tical form and features of Mr. Alfred Jingle. nature wears a more beautiful appearance than The offender had barely time to take Mrs. Leo in the month of August. Spring has many beauties, Hunter's proffered hand, when his eyes encountered and May is a fresh and blooming month, but the the indignant orbs of Mr. Pickwick. charms of this time of year are enhanced by their "Halloo!" said Jingle. "Quite forgot-no direc- contrast with the winter season. August has no tions to postilion-give'em at once-back in a such advantage. It comes when we remember nothminute." ing but clear skies, green fields, and sweet-smelling "The servant, or Mr. Hunter will do it in a mo- flowers-when the recollection of snow, and ice, and ment, Mr. Fitz-Marshall," said Mrs. Leo Hunter. bleak winds, has faded from our minds as completely "No, no-I'll do it-sha'n't be long-back in no as'they have disappeared from the earth-and yet time," replied Jingle. With these words he disap- what a pleasant time it is! Orchards and cornpeared among the crowd. fields ring with the hum of labor; trees bend. be"Will you allow me to ask you, ma'am," said the neath the thick clusters of rich fruit which bow excited Mr. Pickwick, rising from his seat, " who that their branches to the ground; and the corn, piled young man is, and where he resides?" in graceful sheaves, or waving in every light breath "He is a gentleman of fortune, Mr. Pickwick," said that sweeps above it, as if it wooed the sickle, tinges Mrs. Leo Hunter, "to whom I very much want to the landscape with a golden hue. A mellow softintroduce you. The Count will be delighted with ness appears to hang over the whole earth; the inhim." fluence of the season seems to extend itself to the " Yes, es,s," said Mr. Pickwick, hastily. "His resi- very wagon, whose slow motion across the well-reapdence-" ed field, is perceptible only to the eye, but strikes " Is at present at the Angel at Bury." with no harsh sound upon the ear. "At Bury?" - As the coach rolls swiftly past the fields and or"At Bury St. Edmunds, not many miles from here. chards which skirt the road, groups of women and But dear me, Mr. Pickwick, you are not going to children, piling the fruit in sieves, or gathering the leave us: surely, Mr. Pickwick, you can not think of scattered ears of corn, pause for an instant from their going so soon." labor, and shading the sun-burned face with a still But long before Mrs. Leo Hunter had finished browner hand, gaze upon the passengers with curispeaking, Mr. Pickwick had plunged through the ous eyes, while some stout urchin, too small to work, throng, and reached the garden, whither he was but too mischievous to be leftat home, scrambles over shortly afterward joined by Mr. Tupman, who had the side of the basket in which he has been depositfollowed his friend closely. ed for security, and kicks and screams with delight. " It's of no use," said Mr. Tupman. "He has gone." The reaper stops in his work, and stands with folded " I know-it," said Mr. Pickwick, " and I will follow arms, looking at the vehicle as it whirls past; and him." the rough cart-horses bestow a sleepy glance upon "Follow him! Where?" inquired Mr.Tupman. the smart coach-team, which says, as plainly as a "To the Angel at Bury," replied Mr. Pickwick, horse's glance can, "It's all very fine to look at, but speaking very quickly. "How do we know whom slow going, over a heavy field, is better than warm he is deceiving there? He deceived a worthy man work like that, upon a dusty road, after all." You once, and.we were the innocent cause. He shall not cast a look behind you, as you turn a corner of the do it again, if I can help it; I'll expose him! Where's road. The women and children have resumed their lamy servant?" bor: the reaper once more stoops to his work; the cart" Here you are, sir," said Mr. Weller, emerging horses have moved on: and all are again in motion. from a sequestered spot, where he had been engaged The influence of a scene like this, was not lost in discussing a bottle of Madeira, which he had ab- upon the well-regulated mind of Mr. Pickwick. Instracted from the breakfast-table, an hour or two be- tent upon the resolution he had formed, of exposing fore. "Here's your servant, sir. Proud o'the title, as the real character cf the nefarious Jingle, in any the Living Skellinton said, ven they show'd him." quarter in which he might be pursuing his fraud"Follow me instantly," said Mr. Pickwick. "Tup- nlent designs, he sat at first taciturn and contemman, if I stay at Bury, you can join me there, when plative, brooding over the means by which his purI write. Till then, good-bye!" pose could be best attained. By degrees his attenRemonstrances were useless. Mr. Pickwick was tion grew more and more attracted by the objects. roused, and his mind was made up. Mr. Tupman re- around him; and at last he derived as much enjoyturned to his companions; and in another hour had ment from the ride, as if it had been undertaken for drowned all piresent recollection of Mr. Alfred Jingle, the pleasantest reason in the world. or Mr. Charles Fitz-Marshall, in an exhilarating qua- " Delightful prospect, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. drille and a 4ottle of Champagne. By that time, "Beats the chimney-pots, sir," replied Mr. Weller, Mr. Pickwick' and Sam Weller, perched on the out- touching his hat. side of a stagP-coach, were every succeeding minute "I suppose you have hardly seen any thing but placing a less and less distance between themselves chimney-pots and bricks and mortar all your life, and the good {pld town of Bury St. Edmunds. Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, smiling. 96 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "I worn't always a boots, sir," said Mr. Weller, "Well," said Mr. Weller, "the adwantage o' the with a shake of the head. " I wos a vagginer's boy, plan's hobvious. At six o'clock every mornin' they once." lets go the ropes at one end, and down falls all the " When was that?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. lodgers.'Consequence is, that being thoroughly " When I wos first pitched neck and crop into the waked, they get up wery quietly, and walk away! world, to play at leap-frog with its troubles," replied Beg your pardon, sir," said Sam, suddenly breaking Sam. "I wos a carrier's boy at startin'; then a off in his loquacious discourse.- "Is this Bury St. vagginer's, then a helper, then a boots. Now I'm a Edmunds?" gen'l'm'n's servant. I shall be a gen'l'm'n myself " It is," replied Mr. Pickwick. one of these days, perhaps, with a pipe in my mouth, The coach rattled through the well-paved streets and a summer-house in the back-garden. Who of a handsome little town, of thriving and cleanly knows? I shouldn't be surprised, for one." appearance, and stopped before a large inn situated " You are quite a philosopher, Sam," said Mr. Pick- in a wide open street, nearly facing the old abbey. wick. "And this," said Mr. Pickwick, looking up, " is the "It runs in the family, I b'lieve, sir," replied lr. Angel! We alight here, Sam. But some caution is Weller. " My father's wery much in that line, now. necessary. Order a private room, and do not menIf my mother-in-law blows him up, he whistles. She tion my name. You understand." flies in a passion, and breaks his pipe; he steps out, " Right as a trivet, sir," replied Mr. Weller, with a and gets another. Then she screams wery loud, and wink of intelligence; and having dragged Mr. Pickfalls into'sterics; and he smokes wery comfortably wick's portmanteau from the hind boot, into which till she comes to agin. That's philosophy, sir, an't it had been hastily thrown when they joined the it?" coach at Eatanswill, Mr. Weller disappeared on his "A very good substitute for it, at all events," re- errand. A private room was speedily engaged; and plied Mr. Pickwick, laughing. "It must have been into it Mr. Pickwick was ushered without delay. of great service to you, in the course of your ram- " Now Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, " the first thing to bling life, Sam." be done is to-" "Service, sir," exclaimed Sam. "You may say "Order dinner, sir, interposed Mr. Weller. "It's that. Arter I run away from the carrier, and afore wery late, sir." I took up with the vagginer, I had unfurnished lodg- "Ah, so it is," said Mr. Pickwick, looking at his in's for a fortnight." watch. " You are right, Sam." " Unfurnished lodgings?" said Mr. Pickwick. "And if I might adwise, sir," added Mr. Weller, "Yes-the dry arches of Waterloo Bridge. Fine " I'd just have a good night's rest arterwards, and not sleeping-place-within ten minutes' walk of all the begin inquiring arter this here deep'an till the mornpublic offices-only if there is any objection to it, it in'. There's nothin' so refreshin' as sleep, sir, as the is that the sitivation's rayther too airy. I see some servant-girl said afore she drank the egg-cupful o' queer sights there." laudanum." "Ah, I suppose you did," said Mr. Pickwick, with "I think you are right, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. an air of considerable interest. " But I must first ascertain that he is in the house, " Sights, sir," resumed Mr. Weller, "as'ud pene- and not likely to go away." trate your benevolent heart, and come out on the "Leave that to me, sir," said Sam. "Let me orother side. You don't see the reg'lar wagrants there; der you a snug little dinner, and make my inquiries trust'em, they knows better than that. Young beg- below while it's a-getting ready; I could worm ev'ry gars, male and female, as hasn't made a rise in their secret out o' the boots's heart in five minutes, sir." profession, takes up their quarters there sometimes; "Do so," said Mr. Pickwick: and Mr. Weller at but it's generally the worn-out, starving, houseless once retired. creeturs as rolls themselves in the dark corners o' In half an hour, Mr. Pickwick was seated at a very them lonesome places-poor creeturs as an't up to satisfactory dinner; and in three-quarters Mr. Welthe two-penny rope." ler returned with the intelligence that Mr. Charles "And pray, Sam, what is the two-penny rope?" Fitz-Marshall had ordered his private room to be reinquired Mr. Pickwick. tained for him until further notice. He was going "The two-penny rope, sir," replied Mr. Weller, "is to spend the evening at some private house in the just a cheap lodgin'-house, where the beds is two- neighborhood, had ordered the boots to sit up until pence a night." his return, and had taken his servant with him. "What do they call a bed a rope for?" said Mr. "Now, sir," argued Mr. Weller, when he had conPickwick. eluded his report, " if I can get a talk with this here "Bless your innocence, sir, that an't it," replied servant in the mornin', he'll tell me ll his master's.Sam. "Wen the lady and gen'l'm'n as keeps the concerns." Hot-el first begun business they used to make the "How do you know that?" interposed Mr. Pickbeds on the floor; but this wouldn't do at no price, wick.'cos instead o' taking a moderate two-penn'orth o' " Bless your dear heart, sir, servants always do," sleep, the lodgers used to lie there half the day. So replied Mr. Weller. now they has two ropes,'bout six foot apart, and "Oh, ah, I forgot that," said Mr. Pickwick. three from the floor, which goes right down the "Well." room; and the beds are made of slips of coarse sack- " Then you can arrange what's best tLo be done, sir, ing, stretched across'em." and we can act according." "Well," said Mr. Pickwick. As it appeared that this was the besti arrangement MR. JOB TROTTER IS TREATED. 97 that could be made, it was finally agreed upon. Mr. " Wery sirrg'ler," said Sam, inwardly congratulaWeller, by his masters permission, retired to spend ting himself upon the softness of the stranger. the evening in his own way; and was shortly after- "What's your name, my patriarch?" ward elected, by the unanimous voice of the assem- "Job." bled company, into the tap-room chair, in which hon- "And a wery good name it is-only one I know, orable post he acquitted himself so much to the that ain't got a nickname to it. What's the other satisfaction of the gentlemen frequenters, that their name?" roars of laughter and approbation penetrated to Mr. "Trotter," said the stranger. "What is yours?" Pickwick's bedroom, and shortened the term of his Sam bore in mind his master's caution, and replied, natural rest by at least three hours. " My name's Walker; my master's name's Wilkins. Early on the ensuing morning, Mr. Weller was dis- Will you take a drop o' somethin' this mornin', Mr. pelling all the feverish remains of the previous even- Trotter?" ing's conviviality, through the instrumentality of a Mr. Trotter acquiesced in this agreeable proposal: half-penny shower-bath (having induced a young and having deposited his book in his coat-pocket, gentleman attached to the stable-department, by the accompanied Mr. Weller to the tap, where they were offer of that coin, to pump over his head and face, soon occupied in discussing an exhilarating comuntil he was perfectly restored), when he was at- pound, formed by mixing together, in a pewter vestracted by the appearance of a young fellow in mul- sel, certain quantities of British Hollands, and the berry-colored livery, who was sitting on a bench in fragrant essence of the clove. the yard, reading what appeared to be a hymn-book, "And what sort of a place have you got?" inquired with an air of deep abstraction, but who occasionally Sam, as he filled his companion's glass, for the second stole a glance at the individual under the pump, as time. if he took some interest in his proceedings, never- "Bad," said Job, smacking his lips, " very bad." theless." You don't mean that?" said Sam. "You're a rum'un to look at, you are!" thought "I do, indeed. Worse than that, my master's goMr. Weller, the first time his eyes encountered the ing to be married." glance of the stranger in the mulberry suit: who "No." had a large, sallow, ugly face, very sunken eyes, and "Yes; and worse than that, too, he's going to run a gigantic head, from which depended a quantity of away with an immense rich heiress, from'boardinglank black hair. " You're a rum'un!" thought Mr. school." Weller; and thinking this, he went on washing him- "What a dragon!" said Sam, refilling his companself, and thought no more about him. ion's glass. " It's some boarding-school in this town, Still the man kept glancing from his hymn-book I suppose, ain't it?" to Sam, and from Sam to his hymn-book, as if he Now although this question was put in the most wanted to open a conversation. So at last Sam, by careless tone imaginable, Mr. Job Trotter plainly way of giving him an opportunity, said with a fa- showed by gestures, that he perceived his new friend's miliar nod- anxiety to draw forth an answer to it. He emptied "How are you, governor " his glass, looked mysteriously at his companion, "I am happy to say, I am pretty well, sir," said the winked both of his small eyes, one after the other, man, speaking with great deliberation, and closing and finally made a motion with his arm, as if he the book. " I hope you are the same, sir?" were working an imaginary pump-handle: thereby "Why, if I felt less like a walking brandy-bottle, intimating that he (Mr. Trotter) considered himself I shouldn't be quite so staggery "this mornin'," re- as undergoing the process of being pumped, by Mr. plied Sam. "Are you stoppin' in this house, old Samuel Wellera'un?V" No, no," said Mr. Trotter, in conclusion, "that's The mulberry man replied in the affirmative. not to be told to every body. That is a secret-a " How was it, you worn't one of us, last night?" great secret, Mr. Walker." inquired Sam, scrubbing his face with the towel. As the mulberry man said this, he turned his glass "You seem one of the jolly sort-looks as conwivial upside down, as a means of reminding his companion as a live trout in a lime basket," added Mr. Weller, that he had nothing left wherewith to slake his thirst. in an undertone. Sam observed the hint; and feeling the delicate "I was out last night,'with my master," replied manner in which it was conveyed, ordered the pewthe stranger. ter vessel to be refilled, whereat the small eyes of the " What's his name?" inquired Mr. Weller, coloring mulberry man glistened. up very red with sudden excitement, and the friction "And so it's a secret?" said Sam. of the towel combined. " I should rather suspect it was," said the mulber" Fitz-Marshall," said the mulberry man. ry man, sipping his liquor, with a complacent face. " Give us your hand," said Mr. Weller, advancing; " I suppose your mas'r's wery rich?" said Sam. "I should like to know you. I like your appear- Mr. Trotter smiled, and holding his glass in his ance, old fellow." left hand, gave four distinct slaps on the pocket of "Well, that is very strange," said the mulberry his mulberry indescribables with his right, as if to man, with great simplicity of manner. "I like yours intimate that his master might have done the same so much, that I wanted to speak to you, from the without alarming any body much, by the chinking very first moment I saw you under the pump." of coin. " Did you though?" "Ah," said Sam, "that's the game, is it?" "Upon my word. Now, isn't that curious." The mulberry man nodded significantly. 7 98 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Well, and don't you think, old feller," remon- opinion is somewhat homely, and occasionally instrated Mr. Weller, "that if you let your master comprehensible." take in this here young lady, you're a precious ras- " He is, sir, very right," said Mr. Trotter," and I cal?" will give way no longer." "I know that," said Job Trotter, turning upon his "Very well," said Mr. Pickwick. "Now, where companion a countenance of deep contrition, and is this boarding-school?" groaning slightly. "I know that, and that's what "It is a large, old, red-brick house, just outside it is that preys upon my mind. But what am I to the town, sir," replied Job Trotter. do?" "And when," said Mr. Pickwick, " when is this vil"Do!" said Sam; "di-wulge to the missis, and lainous design to be carried into execution-when is give up your master." this elopement to take place?" " Who'd believe me?" replied Job Trotter. " The "To-night, sir," replied Job. young lady's considered the very picture of innocence "To-night!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. and discretion. She'd deny it, and so would my mas- " This very night, sir," replied Job Trotter. " That ter. Who'd believe me? I should lose my place, is what alarms me so much." and get indicted for a conspiracy, or some such "Instant measures must be taken," said Mr. Pickthing; that's all I should take by my motion." wick. " I will see the lady who keeps the establish" There's somethin' in that," said Sam, ruminating; ment immediately." "there's somethin' in that." "I beg your pardon, sir," said Job, "but that " If I knew any respectable gentleman who would course of proceeding will never do." take the matter up," continued Mr. Trotter, "I might "Why not?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. have some hope of preventing the elopement; but "My master, sir, is a very artful man." there's the same difficulty, Mr. Walker, just the same. "I know he is," said Mr. Pickwick. I know no gentleman in this strange place, and ten " And he has so wound himself round the old lady's to one if I did, whether he would believe my story." heart, sir," resumed Job, "that she would believe "Come this way," said Sam, suddenly jumping up, nothing to his prejudice, if you went down on your and grasping the mulberry man by the arm. "My bare knees and swore it; especially as you have no mas'r's the man you want, I see." And after a slight proof but the word of a servant, who, for any thing resistance on the part of Job Trotter, Sam led his she knows (and my master would be sure to say so), newly-found friend to the apartment of Mr. Pickwick, was discharged for some fault, and does this in reto whom he presented him, together with a brief venge." summary of the dialogue we have just repeated. "What had better be done, then?" said Mr. Pick"I am very sorry to betray my master, sir," said wick. Job Trotter, applying to his eyes a pink-checked "Nothing but taking him in the very act of eloppocket-handkerchief about six inches square. ing, will convince the old lady, sir," replied Job. "The feeling does you a great deal of honor," re- " All them old cats will run their heads agin mileplied Mr. Pickwick; "but it is your duty, neverthe- stones," observed Mr. Weller in a parenthesis. less." "But this taking him in the very act of elopement, " I know it is my duty, sir," replied Job, with great would be a very difficult thing to accomplish, I fear," emotion. "We should all try to discharge our duty, said Mr. Pickwick. sir, and I humbly endeavor to discharge mine, sir; " I don't know, sir," said Mr. Trotter, after a few but it is a hard trial to betray a master, sir, whose moments' reflection. " I think it might be very easiclothes you wear, and whose bread you eat, even ly done." though he is a scoundrel, sir." "How?" was Mr. Pickwick's inquiry. "You are a very good fellow," said Mr. Pickwick, "Why," replied Mr. Trotter, "my master and I, much affected, " an honest fellow." being in the confidence of the two servants, will be " Come come," interposed Sam, who had witnessed secreted in the kitchen at ten o'clock. When the Mr. Trotter's tears with considerable impatience, family have retired to rest, we shall come out of the " blow this here water-cart bis'ness. It won't do no kitchen, and the young lady out of her bedroom. A good, this won't." post-chaise will be waiting, and away we go." " Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, reproachfully, " I am "Well," said Mr. Pickwick. sorry to find that you have so little respect for this "Well, sir, I have been thinking that if you were young man's feelings." in waiting in the garden behind, alone-" "His feelins is all wery well, sir," replied Mr. "Alone," said Mr. Pickwick. "Why alone?" Weller; " and as they're so wery fine, and it's a pity "I thought it very natural," replied Job, "that he should lose'em, I think he'd better keep'em in the old lady wouldn't like such an unpleasant dishis own buzzum, than let'em ewaporate in hot water, covery to be made before more persons than can pos-'specially as they do no good. Tears never yet wound sibly be helped. The young lady too, sir-consider up a clock, or worked a steam-ingen'. The next her feelings." time you go out to a smoking-party, young fellow, " You are very right," said Mr. Pickwick. " The fill your pipe with that'ere reflection; and for the consideration evinces your delicacy of feeling. Go present just put that bit of pink gingham into your on; you are very right." pocket.'Ta'u't so handsome that you need keep "Well sir, I have been thinking that if you were waving it about, as if you was a tight-rope dancer." waiting in the back garden alone, and I was to let " My man is in the right," said Mr. Pickwick, ac- you in, at the door which opens into it, from the end zosting Job, " although his mode of expressing his of the passage at exactly half-past eleven o'clock, PENITENT PROPOSAL OF MR. TROTTER. 99 you would be just in the very moment of time to as- We can not state the precise nature of the sist me in frustrating the designs of this bad man, thoughts which passed through Mr. Trotter's mind, by whom I have been unfortunately ensnared." Here because we don't know what they were. Mr. Trotter sighed deeply. The day wore on, evening came, and at a little be"Don't distress yourself on that account," said Mr. fore ten o'clock Sam Weller reported that Mr. Jingle Pickwick, "if he had one grain of the delicacy of and Job had gone out together, that their luggage feeling which distinguishes you, humble as your sta- was packed up, and that they had ordered a chaise. tion is, I should have some hopes of him." The plot was evidently in execution, as Mr. Trotter Job Trotter bowed low; and in spite of Mr. Wel- had foretold. ler's previous remonstrance, the tears again rose to Half-past ten o'clock arrived, and it was time for his eyes. Mr. Pickwick to issue forth on his delicate errand. "I never see such a feller," said Sam. "Blessed Resisting Sam's tender of his great-coat, in order if I don't think he's got a main in his head as is al- that he might have no incumbrance in scaling the ways turned on." wall, he set forth, followed by his attendant. " Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, with great severity. There was a briglt moon, but it was behind the "Hold your tongue." clouds. It was a fine dry night, but it was most un"Werry well, sir," replied Mr. Weller. commonly dark. Paths, hedges, fields, houses, and "I don't like this plan," said Mr. Pickwick, after trees, were enveloped in one deep shade. The atdeep meditation. "Why can not I communicate mosphere was hot and sultry, the summer lightning with the young lady's friends?" quivered faintly on the verge of the horizon, and was " Because they live one hundred miles from here, the only sight that varied the dull gloom in which sir," responded Job Trotter. every thing was wrapped-sound there was none, ex"That's a clincher," said Mr. Weller, aside. cept the distant barking of some restless house-dog. "Then this garden," resumed Mr. Pickwick. " How They found the house, read the brass-plate, walked am I to get into it?" round the wall, and stopped at that portion of it " The wall is very low, sir, and your servant will which divided them from the bottom of the garden. give you a leg up." " You will return to the inn, Sam, when you have " My servant will give me a leg up," repeated Mr. assisted me over," said Mr. Pickwick. Pickwick, mechanically. " You will be sure to be "Wery well, sir." near this door that you speak of?" "And you will sit up till I return." "You can not mistake it, sir; it's the only one "Cert'nly, sir." that opens into the garden. Tap at it when you "Take hold of my leg; and, when I say'Over,' hear the clock strike, and I will open it instantly." raise me gently." " I don't like the plan," said Mr. Pickwick; " but "All right, sir." as I see no other, and as the happiness of this young Having settled these preliminaries, Mr. Pickwick lady's whole life is at stake, I adopt it. I shall be grasped the top of the wall, and gave the word sure to be there." " Over," which was very literally obeyed. Whether Thus, for the second time, did Mr. Pickwick's in- his body partook in some degree of the elasticity of nate good feeling involve him in an enterprise from his mind, or whether Mr. Weller's notions of a gentle which he would most willingly have stood aloof. push were of a somewhat rougher description than "What is the name'of the house " inquired Mr. Mr. Pickwick's, the immediate effect of his assistance Pickwick. was to jerk that immortal gentleman completely "Westgate House, sir. You turn a little to the over the wall on to the bed beneath, where, after right when you get to the end of the town; it stands crushing three gooseberry-bushes and a rose-tree, he by itself, some little distance off the high-road, with finally alighted at full length. the name on a brass plate on the gate." You ha'n't hurt yourself, I hope, sir?" said Sam, "I know it," said Mr. Pickwick. "I observed it in a loud whisper, as soon as he recovered'from the once before, when I was in this town. You may de- surprise consequent upon the mysterious disappearpend upon me." ance of his master. Mr. Trotter made another bow, and turned to de- "I have not hurt myself, Sam, certainly," replied part, when Mr. Pickwick thrust a guinea into his Mr. Pickwick from the other side of the wall, "but hand. I rather think that you have hurt me." "You're a fine fellow," said Mr. Pickwick, " and I "I hope not, sir," said Sam. admire your goodness of heart. No thanks. Remem- "Never mind," said Mr. Pickwick, rising, "it's ber-eleven o'clock." nothing but a few scratches. Go away, or we shall " There is no fear of my forgetting it, sir," replied be overheard." Job Trotter. With these words he left the room, fol- "Good-bye, sir." lowed by Sam. "Good-bye." "I say," said the latter, "not a bad notion that With stealthy steps Sam Weller departed, leaving'ere crying. I'd cry like a rain-water spout in a Mr. Pickwick alone in the garden. shower on such good terms. How do you do it?" Lights occasionally appeared in the different win"It comes from the heart, Mr. Walker," replied dows of the house, or glanced from the staircases, as Job, solemnly. " Good-morning, sir." if the inmates were retiring to rest. Not caring to "You're a soft customer, you are;-we've got it go too near the door, until the appointed time, Mr. all out o' you, anyhow," thought Mr. Weller, as Job Pickwick crouched into an angle of the wall, and walked away. awaited its arrival. 100 THE PICKWICK CLUB. It was a situation which might well have depress- that the person who had opened it was-not Job ed the spirits of many a man. Mr. Pickwick, how- Trotter, but a servant-girl with a candle in her ever, felt neither depression nor misgiving. He hand! Mr. Pickwick drew in his head again, with knew that his purpose was in the main a good one, the swiftness displayed by that admirable melodraand he placed implicit reliance on the high-minded matic performer, Punch, when he lies in wait for the Job. It was dull, certainly; not to say, dreary; but flat-headed comedian with the tin box of music. a contemplative man can always employ himself in "It must have been the cat, Sarah," said the girl, meditation. Mr. Pickwick had meditated himself addressing herself to some one in the house. "Puss, into a doze, when he was roused by the chimes of the puss, puss,-tit, tit, tit." neighboring church ringing out the hour-half-past But no animal being decoyed by these blandisheleven. ments, the girl slowly closed the door, and refastened " That is the time," thought Mr. Pickwick, getting it; leaving Mr. Pickwick drawn up straight against cautiously on his feet. He looked up at the house. the wall. The lights had disappeared, and the shutters were "This is very curious," thought Mr. Pickwick. THAT IMMORTAL GENTLEMAN (OMPLETELY OVER THE WALL. closed-all in bed, no doubt. He walked on tiptoe "They are sitting up beyond their usual hour, I supto the door, and gave a gentle tap. Two or three pose. Extremely unfortunate, that they should minutes passing without any reply, he gave another have chosen this night, of all others, for such a purtap rather louder, and then another rather louder pose-exceedingly." And with these thoughts, Mr. than that. Pickwick cautiously retired to the angle of the wall At length the sound of feet was audible upon the in which he had been before ensconced; waiting unstairs, and then the light of a candle shone through til such time as he might deem it safe to repeat the the key-hole of the door. There was a good deal of signal. unchaining and unbolting, and the door was slowly He had not been here five minutes, when a vivid opened. flash of lightning was followed by a loud peal of Now the door opened outward: and as the door thunder that crashed and rolled away in the distance opened wider and wider, Mr. Pickwick receded be- with a terrific noise-then came another flash of hind it, more and more. What was his astonishment lightning, brighter than the other, and a second peal when he just peeped out, by way of caution, to see of thunder louder than the first; and then down THE.MAN BEHIND THE DOOR. 101 came the rain, with a force and fury that swept ev- said it was "a shame!" for which partisanship she ery thing before it. received a month's warning on the spot. Mr. Pickwick was perfectly aware that a tree is "Do you hear, cook?" said the lady abbess, stampa very dangerous neighbor in a thunder-storm. He ing her foot impatiently. had a tree on his right, a tree on his left, a third "Don't you hear your missis, cook?" said the three before him, and a fourth behind. If he remained teachers. where he was, he might fall the victim of an acci- "What an impudent thing that cook is!" said the dent; if he showed himself in the centre of the gar- thirty boarders. den, he might be consigned to a constable;-once or The unfortunate cook, thus strongly urged, adtwice he tried to scale the wall, but having no oth- vanced a step or two, and holding her candle just er legs this time than those with which Nature had where it prevented her from seeing any thing at all, furnished him, the only effect of his struggles was to declared there was nothing there, and it must have inflict a variety of very unpleasant gratings on his been the wind. The door was just going to be closed knees and shins, and to throw him into a state of the in consequence, when an inquisitive boarder, who most profuse perspiration. had been peeping between the hinges, set up a fear"What a dreadful situation!" said Mr. Pickwick, ful screaming, which called back the cook and the pausing to wipe his brow after this exercise. He house-maid, and all the more adventurous, in no time. looked up at the house-all was dark. They must "What is the matter with Miss Smithers?" said be gone to bed now. He would try the signal again. the lady abbess, as the aforesaid Miss Smithers proHe walked on tiptoe across the moist gravel, and ceeded to go into hysterics of four young lady power. tapped at the door. He held his breath, and listened "Lor,' Miss Smithers dear," said the other nineat the key-hole. No reply: very odd. Another and-twenty boarders. knock. He listened again. There was a low whis- "Oh, the man-the man-behind the door!" pering inside, and then a voice cried- screamed Miss Smithers. "Who's there?" The lady abbess no sooner heard this appalling cry, "That's not Job," thought Mr. Pickwick, hastily than she retreated to her own bedroom, double-lockdrawing himself straight up against the wall again. ed the door, and fainted away comfortably. The "It's a woman." boarders, and the teachers, and the servants, fell back He had scarcely had time to form this conclusion, upon the stairs, and upon each other; and never when a window above stairs was thrown up, and was such a screaming, and fainting, and struggling, three or four female voices repeated the query- beheld. In the midst of the tumult, Mr. Pickwick "Who's there?" emerged from his concealment, and presented himMr. Pickwick dared not move hand or foot. It self among them. was clear that the whole establishment was roused. "Ladies-dear ladies," said Mr. Pickwick. He made up his mind to remain where he was, until "Oh, he says we're dear," cried the oldest and ugthe alarm had subsided: and then by a supernatu- liest teacher. " Oh the wretch!" ral effort, to get over the wall, or perish in the at- " Ladies," roared Mr. Pickwick, rendered desperate tempt. by the danger of his situation. "Hear me. I am no Like all Mr. Pickwick's determinations, this was robber. I want the lady of the house." the best that could be made under the circum- "Oh, what a ferocious monster!" screamed another stances; but, unfortunately, it was founded upon teacher.' He wants Miss Tomkins." the assumption that they would not venture to open Here there was a general scream. the door again. What was his discomfiture, when "Ring the alarm bell, somebody!" cried a dozen he heard the chain and bolts withdrawn, and saw voices. the door slowly opening, wider and wider! He re- "Don't-don't," shouted Mr. Pickwick. "Look treated into the corner, step by step; but do what at me. Do I look like a robber? My dear ladieshe would, the interposition of his own person pre- you may bind me hand and leg, or lock me up in a, vented its being opened to its utmost width. closet, if you like. Only hear what I have got to say "Who's there?" screamed a numerous chorus of -only hear me." treble voices from the staircase inside, consisting "How did you come in our garden?" faltered the of the spinster lady of the establishment, three teach- house-maid. ers, five female servants, and thirty boarders, all "Call the lady of the house, and I'll tell her every half-dressed, in a forest of curl-papers. thing-every thing," said Mr. Pickwick, exerting hisOf course Mr. Pickwick didn't say who was there: lungs to the utmost pitch. " Call her-only be quiet, and then the burden of the chorus changed into- and call her, and you shall hear every thing." "Lor'! I am so frightened." It might have been Mr. Pickwick's appearance, orit "Cook," said the lady abbess, who took care to be might have been his manner, or it might have been on the top stair, the very last of the group-" Cook, the temptation-irresistible to a female mind-of why don't you go a little way into the garden?" hearing something at present enveloped in mystery, "Please, ma'am, I don't like," responded the cook. that reduced the more reasonable portion of the' Lor,' what a stupid thing that cook is!" said the establishment (some four individuals) to a state of thirty boarders. comparative quiet. By them it was proposed, as a "Cook," said the lady abbess, with great dignity; test of Mr. Pickwick's sincerity, that he should im"don't answer me, if you please. I insist upon your mediately submit to personal restraint; and that looking into the garden immediately." gentleman having consented to hold a conference Here the cook began to cry, and the house-maid with Miss Tomkins, from the interior of a closet in 102 THE PICKWICK CLUB. which the day boarders hung their Jbonnets and not the truth, but so far from it, on the contrary, sandwich-bags, he at once stepped into it, of his own quite the rewerse. And if there's any number o' men accord, and was securely locked in. This revived on these here premises as has said so, I shall be wery the others; and Miss Tomkins having been brought happy to give'em all a wery convincing proof o' to, and brought down, the conference began. their being mistaken, in this here wery room, if these " What did you do in my garden, Man?" said Miss wery respectable ladies'11 have the goodness to reTomkins, in a faint voice. tire, and order'em up, one at a time." Having de"I came to warn you, that one of your young la- livered this defiance with great volubility, Mr. Weldies was going to elope to-night," replied Mr. Pick- ler struck his open palm emphatically with his wick, from the interior of the closet. clenched fist, and winked pleasantly on Miss Tom" Elope!" exclaimed Miss Tomkins, the three teach- kins: the intensity of whose horror at his supposing ers, the thirty boarders, and the five servants. "Who it within the bounds of possibility that there could with?" be any men on the premises of Westgate House Es" Your friend, Mr. Charles Fitz-Marshall." tablishment for Young Ladies, it is impossible to de" My friend! I don't know any such person." scribe. "Well; Mr. Jingle then." Mr. Pickwick's explanation having already been " I never heard the name in my life." partially made, was soon concluded. But neither in "Then, I have been deceived, and deluded," said the course of his walk home with his friends, nor Mr. Pickwick. "I have been the victim of a con- afterward when seated before a blazing fire at the spiracy-a foul and base conspiracy. Send to the supper he so much needed, could a single observaAngel, my dear ma'am, if you don't believe me. Send tion be drawn from him. He seemed bewildered to the Angel for Mr. Pickwick's man-servant, I im- and amazed. Once, and only once, he turned round plore you, ma'am." to Mr. Wardle, and said, "He must be respectable-he keeps a man-serv- t How did you come here?" ant," said Miss Tompkins to the writing and cipher- " Trundle and I came down here, for some good ing governess. shooting on the first," replied Wardle. "We arrived " It's my opinion, Miss Tomkins," said the writing to-night, and were astonished to hear from your servand ciphering governess, "that his man-servant ant that you were here too. But I am glad you keeps him. I think he's a madman, Miss Tomkins, are," said the old fellow, slapping him on the back. and the other's his keeper." "I am glad you are. We shall have a jovial party "I think you are very right, Miss Gwynn," re- on the first, and we'll give Winkle another chancesponded Miss Tomkins. "Let two of the servants eh, old boy?" repair to the Angel, and let the others remain here, Mr. Pickwick made no reply; he did not even ask to protect us." after his friends at Dingley Dell, and shortly afterSo two of the servants were dispatched to the ward retired for the night, desiring Sam to fetch his Angel in search of Mr. Samuel Weller: and the re- candle when he rung. maining three stopped behind to protect Miss Tom- The bell did ring in due course, and Mr. Weller kins, and the three teachers, and the thirty boarders. presented himself. And Mr. Pickwick sat down in the closet, beneath a " Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, looking out from under grove of sandwich-bags, and awaited the return of the bed-clothes. the messengers, with all the philosophy and fortitude " Sir," said Mr. Weller. he could summon to his aid. Mr. Pickwick paused, and Mr. Weller snuffed the An hour and a half elapsed before they came back, candle. and when they did come, Mr. Pickwick recognized, in " Sam," said Mr. Pickwick again, as if with a desaddition to the voice of Mr. Samuel Weller, two other perate effort. voices, the. tones of which struck familiarly on his "Sir," said Mr. Weller, once more. ear; but whose they were, he could not for the life "Where is that Trotter?" of him call to mind. "Job, sir " A very brief conversation ensued. The door was "Yes." unlocked. Mr. Pickwick stepped out of the closet, "Gone, sir." and found himself in the presence of the whole estab- "With his master, I suppose?" lishment of Westgate House, Mr. Samuel Weller, and "Friend or master, or: whatever he is, he's gone -old Wardle, and his destined son-in-law, Mr. Trun- with him," replied Mr. Weller. " There's a pair on die!'em, sir." "My dear friend," said Mr. Pickwick, running for- "Jingle suspected my design, and set that fellow ward and grasping Wardle's hand, " my dear friend, on you, with this story, I suppose?" said Mr. Pickpray, for Heaven's sake, explain to this lady the un wick, half choking. fortunate and dreadful situation in which I am "Just that, sir," replied Mr. Weller. placed. You must have heard it from my servant; " It was all false, of course?" say, at all events, my dear fellow, that I am neither "All, sir," replied Mr. Weller. " Regqlar do, sir; a robber nor a madman." artful dodge." " I have said so, my dear friend. I have said so "I don't think he'll escape us quite so easily the already," replied Mr. Wardle, shaking the right hand next time, Sam?" said Mr. Pickwick. of his friend, while Mr. Trundle shook the left. " I don't think he will, sir." " And whoever says, or has said, he is," interposed " Whenever I meet that Jingle again, wherever it Mr. Weller, stepping forward, "says that which is is," said Mr. Pickwick, raising himself in bed, and in NATHANIEL PIPEIN IN LOVE. 103 denting his pillow with a tremendous blow," I'll in- ment as the vestry-room, or so well-ordered a semiflict personal chastisement on him, in addition to the nary as his own. Once, and only once, in his life, exposure he so richly merits. I will, or my name is Nathaniel Pipkin had seen a bishop-a real bishop, not Pickwick." with his arms in lawn sleeves, and his head in a wig. "And wenever I catches hold o' that there mel- He had seen him walk, and heard him talk, at a conan-cholly chap with the black hair," said Sam, " if I firmation, on which momentous occasion Nathaniel don't bring some real water into his eyes, for once in Pipkin was so overcome with reverence and awe, a way, my name an't Weller. Good-night, sir!" when the aforesaid bishop laid his hand on his head, that he fainted right clean away, and was borne out * ---— *~ —- of church in the arms of the beadle. "This was a great event, a tremendous era, in CHAPTER XVII. Nathaniel Pipkin's life, and it was the only one that had ever occurred to ruffle the smooth current of his SHOWIG THAT ANT A TTACK OF RHEUMATIS, INT quiet existence, when happening one fine afternoon, ME SES, AS AS A UIENE INEN in a fit of mental abstraction, to raise his eyes from ~~~IVE GEINIUS.^~ ^the slate on which he was devising some tremendous THE constitution of Mr. Pickwick, though able to problem in compound addition for an offending ursustain a very considerable amount of exertion chin to solve, they suddenly rested on the blooming and fatigue, was not proof against such a combina- countenance of Maria Lobbs, the only daughter of tion of attacks as he had undergone on the memora- old Lobbs, the great saddler over the way. Now, ble night recorded in the last chapter. The process the eyes of Mr. Pipkin had rested on the pretty face of being washed in the night air, and rough-dried in of Maria Lobbs many a time and oft before, at a closet, is as dangerous as it is peculiar. Mr. Pick- church, and elsewhere; but the eyes of Maria Lobbs wick was laid up with an attack of rheumatism. had never looked so bright, the cheeks of Maria Lobbs But although the bodily powers of the great man had never-looked so ruddy, as upon this particular were thus impaired, his mental energies retained their occasion. No wonder then, that Nathaniel Pipkin pristine vigor. His spirits were elastic; his good- was unable to take his eyes from the countenance humor was restored. Even the vexation consequent of Miss Lobbs; no wonder that Miss Lobbs, finding upon his recent adventure had vanished from his herself stared at by a young man, withdrew her head mind; and he could join in the hearty laughter from the window out of which she had been peeping, which any allusion to it excited in Mr. Wardle. and shut the casement and pulled down the blind; without anger and without embarrassment. Nay, no wonder that Nathaniel Pipkin, immediately theremore. During the two days Mr. Pickwick was con- after, fell upon the young urchin who had previousfined to his bed, Sam was his constant attendant. ly offended, and cuffed and knocked him about, to On the first, he endeavored to amuse his master by his heart's content. All this was very natural, and anecdote and conversation; on the second, Mr. Pick- there's nothing at all to wonder at about it. wick demanded his writing-desk, and pen and ink, "It is matter of wonder, though, that any one of and was deeply engaged during the whole day. On Mr. Nathaniel Pipkin's retiring disposition, nervous the third, being able to sit up in his bed-chamber, temperament, and most particularly diminutive inhe dispatched his valet, with a message to Mr. War- come, should, from this day forth, have dared to asdle and Mr. Trundle, intimating that if they would pire to the hand and heart of the only daughter of take their wine there that evening, they would the fiery old Lobbs —of old Lobbs the great saddler, greatly oblige him. The invitation was most will- who could have bought up the whole village at one ingly accepted; and when they were seated over stroke of his pen, and never felt the outlay-old their wine, Mr. Pickwick with sundry blushes, pro- Lobbs, who was well known to have heaps of money, duced the following little tale, as having been " edit- invested in the bank at the nearest market-towned" by himself, during his recent indisposition, from old Lobbs, who was reported to have countless and his notes of Mr. Weller's unsophisticated recital. inexhaustible treasures, hoarded up in the little iron safe with the big key-hole, over the chimney-piece THE PARISH CLERK. in the back parlor -old Lobbs, who it was well A TALE OF TRUE LOVE. known, on festive occasions garnished his board with a real silver tea-pot, cream ewer, and sugar-basin, "Once upon a time in a very small country town, which he was wont, in the pride of his heart, to boast at a considerable distance from London, there lived should be his daughter's property when she found a a little man named Nathaniel Pipkin, who was the man to her mind. I'repeat it, to be matter of proparish clerk of the little town, and lived in a little found astonishment and intense wonder, that Nahouse in the little High Street, within ten minutes' thaniel Pipkin should have had the temerity to cast walk of the little church; and who was to be found his eyes in this direction. But love is blind: and every day from nine till four, teaching a little learn- Nathaniel had a cast in his eye: and perhaps these ing to the little boys. Nathaniel Pipkin was a harm- two circumstances, taken together, prevented his seeless, inoffensive, good-natured being, with a turned- ing the matter in its proper light. up nose, and rather turned-in legs; a cast in his eye, "Now, if old Lobbs had entertained the most reand a halt in his gait; and he divided his time be- mote or distant idea of the state of the affections tween the church and his school, verily believing of Nathaniel Pipkin, he would just have razed, the that there existed not, on the face of the earth, so school-room to the ground, or exterminated its masclever a man as the curate, so imposing an apart- ter from the surface of the earth, or committed some 104 THE PICKWICK CLUB. other outrage and atrocity of an equally ferocious in time, and meet him face to face. But though he and violent description; for he was a terrible old fel- was afraid to make up to them, he couldn't bear to low, was Lobbs, when his pride was injured, or his lose sight of them; so when they walked faster, he blood was up. Swear! Such trains of oaths would walked faster, when they lingered he lingered, and come rolling and pealing over the way, sometimes, when they stopped he stopped; and so they might when he was denouncing the idleness of the bony have gone on, until the darkness prevented them, if apprentice with the thin legs, that Nathaniel Pipkin Kate had not looked slyly back, and encouragingly. would shake in his shoes with horror, and the hair beckoned Nathaniel to advance.. There was someof the pupils' heads would stand on end with fright. thing in Kate's manner that was not to be resisted, "Well! Day after day, when school was over, and so Nathaniel Pipkin complied with the invitaand the pupils gone, did Nathaniel Pipkin sit him- tion; and after a great deal of blushing on his part, self down at the front window, and while he feigned and immoderate laughter on that of the wicked litto be reading a book, throw sidelong glances over tie cousin, Nathaniel Pipkin went down on his knees the way in search of the bright eyes of Maria Lobbs; on the dewy grass, and declared his resolution to reand he hadn't sat there many days, before the bright main there forever, unless he were permitted to rise eyes appeared at an upper window, apparently deep- the accepted lover of Maria Lobbs. Upon this, the ly engaged in reading too. This was delightful, and merry laughter of Maria Lobbs rang through the gladdening to the heart of Nathaniel Pipkin. It was calm evening air-without seeming to disturb it, something to sit there for hours together, and look though; it had such a pleasant sound-and the wickupon that pretty face when the eyes were cast down; ed little cousin laughed more immoderately than bebut when Maria Lobbs began to raise her eyes from fore, and Nathaniel Pipkin blushed deeper than ever. her book, and dart their rays in the direction of Na- At length, Maria Lobbs being more strenuously urged thaniel Pipkin, his delight and admiration were per- by the love-worn little man, turned away her head, fectly boundless. At last, one day when he knew and whispered her cousin to say, or at all events old Lobbs was out, Nathaniel Pipkin had the temeri- Kate did say, that she felt much honored by Mr. Pipty to kiss his hand to Maria Lobbs; and Maria Lobbs, kin's addresses; that her hand and heart were at her instead of shutting the window, and pulling down father's disposal; but that nobody could be insensithe blind, kissed hers to him, and smiled. Upon ble to Mr. Pipkin's merits. As all this was said with which,Nathaniel Pipkin determined that, come what much gravity, and as Nathaniel Pipkin walked home might, he would develop the state of his feelings, with Maria Lobbs, and struggled for a kiss at partwithout further delay. ing, he went to bed a happy man, and dreamed all "A prettier foot, a gayer heart, a more dimpled night long, of softening old Lobbs, opening the strong face, or a smarter form, never bounded so lightly box, and marrying Maria. over the earth they graced, as did those of Maria " The next day, Nathaniel Pipkin saw old Lobbs Lobbs, the old saddler's daughter. There was a rogu- go out upon his old gray pony, and after a great ish twinkle in her sparkling eyes, that would have many signs at the window from the wicked little made its way to far less susceptible bosoms than that cousin, the object and meaning of which he could by of Nathaniel Pipkin; and there was such a joyous no means understand, the bony apprentice with the sound in her merry laugh, that the sternest misan- thin legs came over to say that his master wasn't thrope must have smiled to hear it. Even old Lobbs coming home all night, and that the ladies expected himself, in the very height of his ferocity, couldn't Mr. Pipkin to tea at six o'clock precisely. How the resist the coaxing of his pretty daughter; and when lessons were got through that day, neither Nathaniel she, and her cousin Kate-an arch, impudent-look- Pipkin nor his pupils knew any more than you do; ing, bewitching little person-made a dead-set upon but they were got through somehow, and, after the the old man together, as, to say the truth, they very boys had gone, Nathaniel Pipkin took till full six often did, he could have refused them nothing, even o'clock to dress himself to his satisfaction. Not had they asked for a portion of the countless and in- that it took long to select the garments he should exhaustible treasures, which were hidden from the wear, inasmuch as he had no choice about the matlight, in the iron safe. ter; but the putting of them on to the best advan"Nathaniel Pipkin's heart beat high within him, tage, and the touching of them up previously, was a when he saw this enticing little couple some hun- task of no inconsiderable difficulty or importance. dred yards before him one summer's evening, in the "There was a very snug little party, consisting very field in which he had many a time strolled about of Maria Lobbs and her cousin Kate, and three or till night-time, and pondered on the beauty of Maria four romping, good -humored, rosy - cheeked girls. Lobbs. But though he had often thought then, how Nathaniel Pipkin had ocular demonstration of the briskly he would walk up to Maria Lobbs and tell fact, that the rumors of old Lobbs's treasures were her of his passion if he could only meet her, he felt, not exaggerated. There were the real solid silver now that she was unexpectedly before him, all the tea-pot, cream-ewer, and sugar-basin, on the table, blood in his body mounting to his face, manifestly and real silver spoons to stir the tea with, and real to the great detriment of his legs, which, deprived china cups to drink it out of, and plates of the same, of their usual portion, trembled beneath him. When to hold the cakes and toast in. The only eye-sore they stopped to gather a hedge-flower, or listen to a in the whole place, was another cousin of Maria bird, Nathaniel Pipkin stopped too, and pretended to Lobbs's, and a brother of Kate, whom Maria Lobbs be absorbed in meditation, as indeed he really was; called' Henry,' and who seemed to keep Maria Lobbs for he was thinking what on earth he should ever all to himself, up in one corner of the table. It's a do, when they turned back, as they inevitably must delightful thing to see affection in families, but it TERRIBLE OLD LOBBS. 105 may be carried rather too far, and Nathaniel Pipkin when a great strong fellow like old Lobbs was pullcould not help thinking that Maria Lobbs must be ing it outward. Old Lobbs gave it one tug, and very particularly fond of her relations,:if she paid as open it flew, disclosing Nathaniel Pipkin standing much attention to all of them as to this individual bolt upright inside, and shaking with apprehension cousin. After tea, too, when the wicked little cousin from head to foot. Bless us! what an appalling look proposed a game at blind-man's-buff, it somehow or old Lobbs gave him, as he dragged him out by the other happened that Nathaniel Pipkin was nearly collar, and held him at arms-length. always blind, and whenever he laid his hand upon "' Why, what the devil do you want here?' said old the male cousin, he was sure to find that Maria Lobbs Lobbs, in a fearful voice. was not far off. And though the wicked little cousin "Nathaniel Pipkin could make no reply, so old and the other girls pinched him, and pulled his hair, Lobbs shook him backward and forward, for two or and pushed chairs in his way, and all sorts of things, three minutes, by way of arranging his ideas for him. Maria Lobbs never seemed to come near him at all; "'What do you want here?" roared Lobbs;'I supand once-once-Nathaniel Pipkin could have sworn pose you have come after my daughter, now' he heard the sound of a kiss, followed by a faint re- "Old Lobbs merely said this as a sneer: for he did monstrance from Maria Lobbs, and a half-suppressed not believe that mortal presumption could have carlaugh from her female friends. All this was odd- ried Nathaniel Pipkin so far. What was his indigvery odd-and there is no saying what Nathaniel nation, when that poor man replied: Pipkin might or might not have done, in consequence, "'Yes, I did, Mr. Lobbs. I did come after your if his thoughts had not been suddenly directed into daughter. I love her, Mr. Lobbs.' a new channel. "' Why, you sniveling, wry-faced, puny villain,' "The circumstances which directed his thoughts gasped old Lobbs, paralyzed by the atrocious coninto a new channel was a loud knocking at the street fession;'what do you mean by that? Say this to door, and the person who made this loud knocking my face! Damme, I'll throttle you!' at the street door was no other than old Lobbs him- "It is by no means improbable I*at old Lobbs self, who had unexpectedly returned, and was ham- would have carried this threat into execution, in the mering away, like a coffin-maker: for he wanted his excess of his rage, if his arm had not been stayed by supper. The alarming intelligence was no sooner a very unexpected apparition, to wit, the male couscommunicated by the bony apprentice with the thin in, who, stepping out of his closet, and walking up legs, than the girls tripped up stairs to Maria Lobbs's to old Lobbs, said: bedroom, and the male cousin and Nathaniel Pipkin "'I can not allow this harmless person, sir, who were thrust into a couple of closets in the sitting- has been asked here, in some girlish frolic, to take room, for want of any better places of concealment; upon himself, in a very noble manner, the fault (if and when Maria Lobbs and the wicked little cousin fault it is) which I am guilty of, and am ready to had stowed them away, and put the room to rights, avow. I love your daughter, sir; and I am here for ithey opened the street door to old Lobbs, who had the purpose of meeting her.' never left off knocking since he first began. "Old Lobbs opened his eyes very wide at this, but "Now it did unfortunately happen that old Lobbs not wider than Nathaniel Pipkin. being very hungry was monstrous cross. Nathaniel "'You did?' said Lobbs: at last finding breath to Pipkin could hear him growling away like an old speak. mastiff with a sore throat; and whenever the unfor- "' I did.' tunate apprentice with the thin legs came into the "'And I forbade you this house, long ago.' room, so surely did old Lobbs commence swearing "'You did, or I should not have been here, clandesat him in a most Saracenic and ferocious manner, tinely, to-night.' though apparently with no other end or object than "I am sorry to record it, of old Lobbs, but I think that of easing his bosom by the discharge of a few he would have struck the cousin, if his pretty daughsuperfluous oaths. At length some supper, which ter, with her bright eyes swimming in tears, had not had been warming up, was placed on the table, and clung to his arm. then old Lobbs fell to, in regular style; and having "' Don't stop him, Maria,' said the young man: made clear work of it in no time, kissed his daugh-'if he has the will to strike me, let him. I would ter, and demanded his pipe. not hurt a hair of his gray head, for the riches of the "Nature had placed Nathaniel Pipkin's knees in world.' very close juxtaposition, but when he heard old "The old man cast down his eyes at this reproof, Lobbs demand his pipe, they knocked together, as and they met those of his daughter. I have hinted if they were going to reduce each other to powder; once or twice before, that they were very bright for, depending from a couple of hooks, in the very eyes, and, though they were tearful now, their influcloset in which he stood, was a large brown-stemmed, ence was by no means lessened. Old Lobbs turned silver-bowled pipe, which pipe he himself had seen his head away, as if to avoid being persuaded by in the mouth of old Lobbs, regularly every afternoon them, when, as fortune would have it, he encounterand evening, for the last five years. The two girls ed the face of the wicked little cousin, who, half went down stairs for the pipe, and up stairs for the afraid for her brother, and half laughing at Nathanpipe, and everywhere but where they knew the pipe iel Pipkin, presented as bewitching an expression was, and old Lobbs stormed away meanwhile, in the of countenance, with a touch of shyness in it too, as most wonderful manner. At last he thought of the any man, old or young, need look upon. She drew closet, and walked up to it. It was of no use a little her arm coaxingly through the old man's, and whisman like Nathaniel Pipkin pulling the door inward, pered something iuhis ear; and do what he would, 106 THE PICKWICK CLUB. old Lobbs couldn't help breaking out into a smile, "Sir!" exclaimed Mr. Winkle, starting from his while a tear stole down his cheek at the same time. chair. "Five minutes after this, the girls were brought "Serpent, sir," repeated Mr. Pott, raising his voice, down from the bedroom with a great deal of giggling and then suddenly depressing it; "I said, Serpent, and modesty; and while the young people were mak- sir-make the most of it." ing themselves perfectly happy, old Lobbs got down When you have parted with a man, at two o'clock the pipe, and smoked it: and it was a remarkable in the morning, on terms of the utmost good-fellowcircumstance about that particular pipe of tobacco, ship, and he meets you again, at half-past nine, and that it was the most soothing and delightful one he greets you as a serpent, it is not unreasonable to conever smoked. elude that something of an unpleasant nature has "Nathaniel Pipkin thought it best to keep his occurred meanwhile. So Mr. Winkle thought. He own counsel, and by so doing gradually rose into returned Mr. Pott's gaze of stone, and in compliance high favor with old Lobbs, who taught him to smoke with that gentleman's request, proceeded to make in time; and they used to sit out in the garden on the most he could of the " serpent." The most, howthe fine evenings, for many years afterward, smoking ever, was nothing at all; so, after a profound silence and drinking in great state. He soon recovered the of some minutes' duration, he said,effects of his attachment, for we find his name in the " Serpent, sir! Serpent, Mr. Pott! What can you parish register, as a witness to the marriage of Maria mean, sir?-this is pleasantry." Lobbs to her cousin; and it also appears, by refer- "Pleasantry, sir!" exclaimed Pott, with a motion ence to other documents, that on the night of the of the hand, indicative of a strong desire to hurl the wedding he was incarcerated in the village cage, for Britannia metal tea-pot at the head of his visitor. having, in a state of extreme intoxication, committed "Pleasantry, sir!-but no, I will be calm; I will be sundry excesses in the street, in all of which he was calm, sir;" in proof of his calmness, Mr. Pott flung aided and abetted by the bony apprentice with the himself into a chair, and foamed at the mouth. thin legs." "My dear sir," interposed Mr. Winkle. " Dear sir!" replied Pott. " How dare you address me, as dear sir, sir? How dare you look me in the face and do it, sir?" CHAPTER XVIII. "Well, sir, if you come to that," responded Mr. BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS;FIRST Winkle, "how dare you look me in the face, and call THE POWER OF HYSTERICS, AND, SECONDLY, THE me a serpent, sir" FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES. S N Because you are one," replied Mr. Pott. " Prove it, sir," said Mr. Winkle, warmly. " Prove FOR twp days after the breakfast at Mrs. Hunter's it." the Prckwickians remained at Eatanswill, anx- A malignant scowl passed over the profound face iously awaiting the arrival of some intelligence from of the editor, as he drew from his pocket the Inde-i their revered leader. Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snod- pendent of that morning; and laying his finger on a grass were once again left to their own means of particular paragraph, threw the journal across the amusement; for Mr. Winkle, in compliance with a table to Mr. Winkle. most pressing invitation, continued to reside at Mr. That gentleman took it up, and read as follows: Pott's house, and to devote his time to the compan- "Our obscure and filthy contemporary, in some ionship of his amiable lady. Nor was the occasional disgusting observations on the recent election for society of Mr. Pott himself wanting to complete their this borough, has presumed to violate the hallowed felicity. Deeply immersed in the intensity of his sanctity of private life, and to refer, in a manner not speculations for the public weal and the destruction to be misunderstood, to the personal affairs of our of the Independent, it was not the habit of that great late candidate-ay, and notwithstanding his base man to descend from his mental pinnacle to the hum- defeat, we will add, our future member, Mr. Fizkin. ble level of ordinary minds. On this occasion, how- What does our dastardly contemporary mean? What ever, and as if expressly in compliment to any fol- would the ruffian say, if we, setting at naught, like lower of Mr. Pickwick's, he unbent, relaxed, stepped him, the decencies of social intercourse, were to raise down from his pedestal, and walked upon the ground, the curtain which happily conceals HIS private life benignly adapting his remarks to the comprehension from general ridicule, not to say from general execraof the herd, and seeming in outward form, if not in tion? What if we were even to point out, and comspirit, to be one of them. ment on, facts and circumstances, which are publicSuch having been the demeanor of this celebrated ly notorious, and beheld by every one, but our molepublic character toward Mr. Winkle, it will be read- eyed contemporary-what if we were to print the ily imagined that considerable surprise was depicted following effusion, which we received while we were on the countenance of the latter gentleman, when, writing the commencement of this article, from a as he was sitting alone in the breakfast-room, the talented fellow-townsman and correspondent! door was hastily thrown open, and as hastily closed, on the entrance of Mr. Pott, who, stalking majestic-'LINES TO A BRASS POT. ally toward him, and thrusting aside his proffered "'Oh Pott! if you'd known hand, ground his teeth, as if to put a sharper edge How false she'd have grown, When you heard the marriage-bells tinkle: on what he was about to utter, and exclaimed, in a You'd have done then, I saw-like voice,- What you can not help now, "Serpent!" And handed her over to W * * *.'" ALARMING CONDITION OF MRS. POTT. 107 "What," said Mr. Pott, solemnly: " what rhymes little sentence, " Upon my word, sir," when it comes to'tinkle,' villain?" to be read; but the tone of voice in which it was "What rhymes to tinkle?" said Mrs. Pott, whose delivered, and the look that accompanied it, both entrance at the moment forestalled the reply. "What seeming to bear reference to some revenge to be rhymes to tinkle? Why Winkle, I should conceive:" thereafter visited upon the head of Pott, produced saying this, Mrs. Pott smiled sweetly on the disturb- their full effect upon him. The most unskillful obed Pickwickian, and extended her hand toward him. server could have detected in his troubled counteThe agitated young man would have accepted it, in nance, a readiness to resign his Wellington boots to his confusion, had not Pott indignantly interposed. any efficient substitute who would have consented "Back, ma'am-back!" said the editor. "Take to stand in them at that moment. his hand before my very face!" Mrs. Pott read the paragraph, uttered a loud shriek, "Mr. P.!" said his astonished lady. and threw herself at full length on the hearth-rug, "Wretched woman, look here," exclaimed the hus- screaming, and tapping it with the heels of her J-,..,q, "SIR " EXOLAIMED MR. WINKLE, STARTING FROM HIS OHAIR. band. "Look here, ma'am-' Lines to a brass Pot.' shoes, in a manner which could leave no doubt of' Brass pot;'-that's me, ma'am.' False she'd have the propriety of her feelings on the occasion. grown;'-that's you, ma'am-you." With this ebul- "My dear," said the petrified Pott-" I didn't say lition of rage, which was not unaccompanied with I believed it;-I-" but the unfortunate man's voice something like a tremble, at the expression of his was drowned in the screaming of his partner. wife's face, Vlr. Pott dashed the current numbQr of "Mrs. Pott, let me entreat you, my dear ma'am, to the Eatanswill Independent at her feet. compose yourself," said Mr. Winkle; but the shrieks "Upon my word, sir," said the astonished Mrs. and tappings were louder, and more frequent than Pott, stooping to pick up the paper. "Upon my ever. word, sir!" "My dear,"said Mr. Pott, "I'm very sorry. If yon Mr. Pott winced beneath the contemptuous gaze won't consider your own health, consider me, my of his wife. He had made a desperate struggle to dear. We shall have a crowd round the house." screw up his courage, but it was fast coming un- But the more strenuously Mr. Pott entreated, the screwed again.,- more vehemently the screams poured forth. There appears nothing very tremendous in this Very fortunately, however, attached to Mrs. Pott's 108 THE PICKWICK CLUB. person was a body-guard of one, a young lady whose insert it; that's all;" Mr. Pott cast an imploring look ostensible employment was to preside over her toilet, at the innocent cause of the mischief, as if to entreat but who rendered herself useful in a variety of ways, him to say nothing about the serpent. and in none more so than in the particular depart- "And what steps, sir, do you mean to take to ob-* ment of constantly aiding and abetting her mistress tain redress?" inquired Mr. Winkle, gaining courage in every wish and inclination opposed to the desires as he saw Pott losing it. of the unhappy Pott. The screams reached this "Oh, Goodwin," observed Mrs. Pott, "does he young lady's ears in due course, and brought her into mean to horsewhip the editor of the Independentthe room with a speed which threatened to derange, does he, Goodwin?" materially, the very exquisite arrangement of her "Hush, hush, ma'am; pray keep yourself quiet," cap and ringlets. replied the body-guard. " I dare say he will, if you " Oh, my dear, dear mistress!" exclaimed the body- wish it, ma'am." guard, kneeling frantically by the side of the pros- "Certainly," said Pott, as his wife evinced decided trate Mrs. Pott. "Oh, my dear mistress, what is the symptoms of going off again. " Of course I shall." matter?" "When, Goodwin- when?" said Mrs. Pott, still "Your master-your brutal master," murmured undecided about the going off. the patient. "Immediately, of course," said Mr. Pott, "before Pott was evidently giving way. the day is out." "It's a shame," said the body-guard, reproachful- "Oh, Goodwin," resumed Mrs. Pott, "it's the only ly. "Iknow he'll be the death of you, ma'am. Poor way of meeting the slander, and setting me right dear thing!" with the world." He gave way more. The opposite party followed "Certainly, ma'am," replied Goodwin. "No man up the attack. as is a man, ma'am, could refuse to do it." "Oh don't leave me-don't leave me, Goodwin," So, as the hysterics were still hovering about, Mr. murmured Mrs. Pott, clutching at the wrist of the Pott said once more that he would do it; but Mrs. said Goodwin with an hysteric jerk. "You're the Pott was so overcome at the bare idea of having only person that's kind to me, Goodwin." ever been suspected, that she was half * dozen times At this affecting appeal, Goodwin got up a little on the very verge of a relapse, and most unquestiondomestic tragedy of her own, and shed tears copi- ably would have gone off, had it not been for the inously. defatigable efforts of the assiduous Goodwin, and re"Never, ma'am-never," said Goodwin. " Oh, sir, peatedentreaties for pardon from the conquered Pott; you should be careful-you should indeed; you don't and finally, when that unhappy individual had been know what harm you may do missis; you'll be sorry frightened and snubbed down to his proper level, for it one day, I know-I've always said so." Mrs. Pott recovered, and they went to breakfast. The unlucky Pott looked timidly on, but said "You will not allow this base newspaper slander nothing. to shorten your stay here, Mr. Winkle?" said Mrs. "Goodwin," said Mrs. Pott, in a soft voice. Pott, smiling through the traces of her tears.' Ma'am," said Goodwin.'I hope not," said Mr. Pott, actuated, as he spoke, " If you only knew how I have loved that man-" by a wish that his visitor would choke himself with "Don't distress yourself by recollecting it, ma'am," the morsel of dry toast which he was raising to his said the body-guard. lips at the moment: and so terminate his stay efPott looked very frightened. It was time to fin- fectually. ish him. "I hope not." "And now," sobbed Mrs. Pott, "now, after all, to "You are very good," said Mr. Winkle; "but a be treated in this way; to be reproached and insult- letter has been received from Mr. Pickwick-so I ed in the presence of a third party, and that party learn by a note from Mr. Tupman, which was brought almost a stranger. But I will not submit to it! up to my bedroom door, this morning-in which he Goodwin," continued Mrs. Pott, raising herself in the requests us to join him at Bury to-day; and we are arms of her attendant," my brother, the Lieutenant, to leave by the coach at noon." shall interfere. I'll be separated, Goodwin!" "But you will come back?" said Mrs. Pott. " It would certainly serve him right, ma'am," said "Oh, certainly," replied Mr. Winkle. Goodwin. "You are quite sure?" said Mrs. Pott, stealing a Whatever thoughts the threat of a separation tender look at her visitor. might have awakened in Mr. Pott's mind, he forbore " Quite," responded Mr. Winkle. to give utterance to them, and contented himself by The breakfast passed off in silence, for each memsaying, with great humility: ber of the party was brooding over his, or her, own " My dear, will you hear me " personal grievances. Mrs. Pott was regretting the A fresh train of sobs was the only reply, as Mrs. loss of a beau; Mr. Pott his rash pledge to horsePott grew more hysterical, requested to be informed whip the Independent; Mr. Winkle his having innowhy she was ever born, and required sundry other cently placed himself in so awkward a situation. pieces of information of a similar description. Noon approached, and after many adieux and prom" My dear," remonstrated Mr. Pott, "do not give ises to return, he tore himself away. way to these sensitive feelings. I never believed that "If he ever comes back, I'll poison him," thought the paragraph had any foundation, my dear —impos- Mr. Pott, as he turned into the little back office sible. I was only angry, my dear-I may say out- where he prepared his thunder-bolts. rageous-with the Independent people for daring to " If I ever do come back, and mix myself up with THE PICKWICKIATNS CONSIDERED AS A SOCIAL BLIGHT. 109 theee people again," thought Mr. Winkle, as he wend- I, too, have had something of an adventure," ed his way to the Peacock, "I shall deserve to be said Mr. Winkle, with a smile; and at the request of horsewhipped myself-that's all." Mr. Pickwick he detailed the malicious libel of the HBis friends were ready, the coach was nearly so, Eatanswill Independent, and the consequent exciteand in half an hour they were proceeding on their ment of their friend, the editor. journey, along the road over which Mr. Pickwick Mr. Pickwick's brow darkehed during the recital. and Sam had so recently traveled, and of which, as His friends observed it, and, when Mr. Winkle had we have already said something, we do not feel called concluded, maintainede profound silence. Mr. Pickupon to extract Mr. Snodgrass's poetical and beauti- wick struck the table emphatically with his clenched ful description. fist, and spoke as follows: Mr. Weller was standing at the door of the Angel, "Is it not a wonderful circumstance," said Mr. ready to receive them, and by that gentleman they Pickwick, " that we seem destined to enter no man's were ushered to the apartment of Mr. Pickwick, house without involving him in some degree of trouwhere, to the no small surprise of Mr. Winkle and ble? Does it not, I ask, bespeak the indiscretion, or, Mr. Snodgrass, and the no small embarrassment of worse than that, the blackness of heart-that I Mr. Tupman, they found old Wardle and Trundle. should say so!-of my followers, that, beneath what" How are you?" said the old man, grasping Mr. ever roof they locate, they disturb the peace of mind Tupman's hand. "Don't hang back, or look senti- and happiness of some confiding female? Is it not, mental about it; it can't be helped, old fellow. For I say-" her sake, I wish you'd had her; for your own, I'm Mr. Pickwick would in all probability have gone very glad you have not. A young fellow like you on for some time, had not the entrance of Sam, with will do better one of these days-eh?" With this a letter, caused him to break of in his eloquent disconsolation, Wardle slapped Mr. Tupfhan on the course. He passed his handkerchief across his foreback, and laughed heartily. head, took off his spectacles, wiped them, and' put "Well, and how are you, my fine fellows?" said them on again; and his voice had recovered its the old gentleman, shaking hands with Mr. Winkle wonted softness of tone when he said: and Mr. Snodgrass at the same time. " I have just "What have you there, Sam?" been telling Pickwick that we must have you all "Called at the Post-office just now, and found this down at Christmas. We're going to have a wedding here letter, as has laid there for two days," replied -a real wedding this time." Mr. Weller. " It's sealed with a vafer, and directed "A wedding!" exclaimed Mr. Snodgrass, turning in round hand." very pale. "I don't know this hand," said Mr. Pickwick, " Yes, a wedding. But don't be frightened," said opening the letter. "Mercy on us! what's this? It the good-humored old man; " it's only Trundle there, must be a jest; it-it-can't be true." and Bella." "What's the matter?" was the general inquiry. " Oh, is that all!" said Mr. Snodgrass, relieved from " Nobody dead, is there?" said Wardle, alarmed at a painful doubt which had fallen heavily on his the horror in Mr. Pickwick's countenance. breast. "Give you joy, sir. How is Joe?" Mr. Pickwick made no reply, but, pushing the let" Very well," replied the old gentleman. "Sleepy ter across the table, and desiring Mr. Tupman to as ever." read it aloud, fell back in his chair with a look of " And your mother, and the clergyman, and all of vacant astonishment quite alarming to behold.'em?" Mr. Tupman, with a trembling voice, read the let" Quite well." ter, of which the following is a copy: "Where," said Mr. Tupman, with an effort" where is-she, sir?" and he turned away his head, "Freeman's Court, Cornhill, August 28th, 1830. and covered his eyes with his hand. " Bardell against Pickwick "She!'" said the old gentleman, with a knowing shake of the head. " Do you mean my single rela- Sir-Having been instructed by Mrs. Martha Bartive-eh?" dell to commence an action against you for a breach of Mr. Tupman, by a nod, intimated that his question promise of marriage, for which the plaintiff lays her damapplied to the disappointed Rachael. ages at fifteen hundred pounds, we beg to inform you that Oh, she's gone away," said the old gentleman. a writ has been issued against you in this suit in the Court "She's living at a relation's, far enough off. She of Common Pleas; and request to know, by return of couldn't bear to see the girls, so I let her go. But post, the name of your attorne n London, who wi accome! Here's the dinner. You must be hungry ceptservice thereof. We are, sir, after your ride. I am, without any ride at all; so Yor obeient servants, let us fall to." "DODSON AND FOGG. "Mr. SAMUEL PIaKWIaCK." Ample justice was done to the meal; and when they were seated round the table, after it had been There was something so impressive in the mute disposed of, Mr. Pickwick, to the intense horror and astonishment with which each man regarded his indignation of his followers, related the adventure neighbor, and every man regarded Mr. Pickwick, he had undergone, and the success which had at- that all seemed afraid to speak. The silence was tended the base artifices of the diabolical Jingle. at length broken by Mr. Tupman. "And the attack of rheumatism which I caught "Dodson and Fogg," he repeated mechanically. in that garden," said Mr. Pickwick, in conclusion, " Bardell and Pickwick," said Mr. Snodgrass, mus" renders me lame at this moment." ing. 110 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Peace of mind and happiness of confiding fe- "Wery well, sir." males," murmured Mr. Winkle, with an air of ab- Mr. Weller left the room, and departed slowly on straction. his errand, with his hands in his pockets, and. his "It's a conspiracy," said Mr. Pickwick, at length eyes fixed on the ground. recovering the power of speech; " a base conspiracy "Rum feller, the hemperor," said Mr. Weller, as he between these two grasping attorneys, Dodson and walked slowly up the street. " Think o' his making Fogg. Mrs. Bardell would never do it;-she hasn't up to that ere Mrs. Bardell-vith a little boy, too! the heart to do it;-she hasn't the case to do it. Always the vay vith these here old'uns howsoever, Ridiculous-ridiculous." as is such steady-goers to look at. I didn't think "Of her heart," said Wardle, with a smile, "you he'd ha' done it, though-I didn't think he'd ha' should certainly be the best judge. I don't wish to done it!" Moralizing in this strain, Mr. Samuel discourage you, but I should certainly say that, of Weller bent his steps toward the booking-office. her case, Dodson and Fogg are far better judges than any of us can be.""It's a vile attempt to extort money," said Mr. Pickwick. CHAPTER XIX. "I hope it is," said Wardle, with a short, dry cough. NASAN. cough.;' A PLEASANT DAY, WITH AN UNPLEASANiT TERMI" Who ever heard me address her in any way butNATION. that in which a lodger would address his landlady?" rHE birds, who, happily for their own peace of continued Mr. Pickwick, with great vehemence. mind and personal comfort, were in blissful ig" Who ever saw me with her? Not even my friends norance of the preparations which had been making here-" to astonish them, on the first of September, hailed it, " Except on one occasion," said Mr. Tupman. no doubt, as one of the pleasantest mornings they Mr. Pickwick changed color. had seen that season. Many a young partridge who " Ah," said Mr. Wardle. " Well, that's important. strutted complacently among the stubble, with all There was nothing suspicious then, I suppose?" the finicking coxcombry of youth, and many an older Mr. Tupman glanced timidly at his leader. "Why," one who watched his levity out of his little round said he, " there was nothing suspicious; but —I don't eye, with the contemptuous air of a bird of wisdom know how it happened, mind-she certainly was re- and experience, alike unconscious of their approachclining in his arms." ing doom, basked in the fresh morning air with live" Gracious powers!" ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, as ly and blithesome feelings, and a few hours afterthe recollection of the scene in question struck forci- ward were laid low upon the earth. But we grow bly upon him; " what a dreadful instance of the force affecting: let us proceed. of circumstances! So she was-so she was." In plain commonplace matter-of-fact, then, it was " And our friend was soothing her anguish," said a fine morning-so fine that you would scarcely have Mr. Winkle, rather maliciously. believed that the few months of an English summer " So I was," said Mr. Pickwick. " I won't deny it. had yet flown by. Hedges, fields, and trees, hill and So I was." moorland, presented to the eye their ever-varying "Halloo!" said Wardle; "for a case in which shades of deep rich green; scarce a leaf had fallen, there's nothing suspicious, this looks rather queer scarce a sprinkle of yellow mingled with the hues of -eh, Pickwick? Ah, sly dog-sly dog!" and he summer, warned you that autumn had begun. The laughed till the glasses on the sideboard rang again. sky was cloudless; the sun shone out bright and "What a dreadful conjunction of appearances!" warm; the songs of birds, and hum of myriads of exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, resting his chin upon his summer insects, filled the air; and the cottage garhands. " Winkle-Tupman —I beg your pardon for dens, crowded with flowers of every rich and beautithe observations I made just now. We are all the ful tint, sparkled, in the heavy dew, like beds of glitvictims of circumstances, and I the greatest." With tering jewels. Every thing bore the stamp of sumthis apology Mr. Pickwick buried his head in his mer, and none of its beautiful colors had yet faded hands, and ruminated; while Wardle measured out from the dye. a regular circle of nods and winks, addressed to the'Such was the morning, when an open carriage, in other members of the company. which there were three Pickwickians, (Mr. Snod" I'll have it explained though," said Mr. Pickwick, grass having preferred to remain at home,) Mr. Warraising his head and hammering the table. " I'll see die, and Mr. Trundle, with Sam Weller on the box this Dodson and Fogg! I'll go to London to-morrow." beside the driver, pulled up by a gate at the road"Not to-morrow," said Wardle; "you're too lime." side, before which stood a tall, raw-boned game"Well, then, next day." keeper, and a half-booted, leather-leggined boy: each "Next day is the first of September, and you're bearing a bag of capacious dimensions, and accompledged to ride out with us, as far as Sir Geoffrey panied by a brace of pointers. Manning's grounds, at all events, and to meet us at "I say," whispered Mr. Winkle to Wardle, as the lunch, if you don't take the field." man let down the steps, " they don't suppose we're "Well, then, the day after," said Mr. Pickwick; going to kill game enough to fill those bags, do they?" "Thursday.-Sam!" "Fill them!" exclaimed old Wardle. "Bless you, "Sir," replied Mr. Weller. yes! You shall fill one, and I the other; and when " Take two places outside to London, on Thursday we've done with them, the pockets of our shootingmorning, for yourself and me."' jackets will hold as much more." \\'::~ I~dr~I. 1dB. WINKLE.~~~~~~~]/ MR. PICKWICK IN A WHEELBARROW. 113 Mr. Winkle dismounted without saying any thing the boy. "If the gentleman's servant would wheel in reply to this observation; but he thought within along the paths, he could keep nigh us, and we could himself, that if the party remained in the open air lift it over the stiles, and that." until he had filled one of the bags, they stood a con- "The wery thing," said Mr. Weller, who was a siderable chance of catching colds in their heads. party interested, inasmuch as he ardently longed to " Hi, Juno, lass-hi, old girl; down, Daph, down," see the sport. " The wery thing. Well said, Smallsaid Wardle, caressing the dogs. " Sir Geoffrey still check; I'll have it out in a minute." in Scotland, of course, Martin?" But here a difficulty arose. The long gamekeeper The tall gamekeeper replied in the affirmative, resolutely protested against the introduction into a and looked with some surprise from Mr. Winkle, who shooting party, of a gentleman in a barrow, as a gross was holding his gun as if he wished his coat-pocket violation of all established rules and precedents. to save him the trouble of pulling the trigger, to Mr. It was a great objection, but not an insurmountTupman, who was holding his as if he were afraid able one. The gamekeeper having been coaxed and of it-as there is no earthly reason to doubt he real- feed, and having, moreover, eased his mind by "punchly was. ing " the head of the inventive youth who had first "My friends are not much in the way of this sort suggested the use of the machine, Mr. Pickwick was of thing yet, Martin," said Wardle, noticing the look. placed in it, and off the party set; Wardle and the "Live and learn, you know. They'll be good shots long gamekeeper leading the way, and Mr. Pickone of these days. I beg my friend Winkle's par- wick in the barrow, propelled by Sam, bringing up don, though; he has had some practice." the rear. Mr. Winkle smiled feebly over his blue necker- "Stop, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, when they had chief in acknowledgment of the compliment, and got half across the first field. got himself so mysteriously entangled with his gun, "What's the matter now?" said Wardle. in his modest confusion, that if the piece had been "I won't suffer this barrow to be moved another loaded, he must inevitably have shot. himself dead step," said Mr. Pickwick, resolutely, "unless Winkle upon the spot. carries that gun of his in a different manner." " You mustn't handle your piece in that ere way, " How am I to carry it?" said the wretched Winkle. when you come to have the charge in it, sir," said "Carry it with the muzzle to the ground," replied the tall gamekeeper, gruffly," or I'm damned if you Mr. Pickwick. won't make cold meat of some on us." "It's so unsportsman-like," reasoned Winkle. Mr. Winkle, thus admonished, abruptly altered "I don't care whether it's unsportsman-like or its position, and in so doing, contrived to bring the not," replied Mr. Pickwick; "I am not going to be barrel into pretty sharp contact with Mr. Weller's shot in a wheelbarrow, for the sake of appearances, head. to please any body." " Halloo!" said Sam, picking up his hat, which " I know the gentleman'll put that ere charge into had been knocked off, and rubbing his temple. " Hal- somebody afore he's done," growled the long man. loo, sir! if you comes it this vay, you'll fill one o' "Well, well —I don't mind," said poor Winkle, them bags, and something to spare, at one fire." turning his gun-stock uppermost;-" there." Here the leather-leggined boy laughed very heart- "Any thin' for a quiet life," said Mr. Weller; and ily, and then tried to look as if it was somebody on they went again. else, whereat Mr. Winkle frowned majestically. "Stop!" said Mr. Pickwick, after they had gone a " Where did you tell the boy to meet us with the few yards farther. snack, Martin?" inquired Wardle. "What now?" said Wardle. " Side of One-tree Hill, at twelve o'clock, sir." "That gun of Tupman's is not safe; I know it "That's not Sir Geoffrey's land, is it?" isn't," said Mr. Pickwick. "No, sir; but it's close by it. It's Captain Bold- "Eh? What! not safe?" said Mr. Tupman, in a wig's land; but there'll be nobody to interrupt us, tone of great alarm. and there's a fine bit of turf there." " Not as you are carrying it," said Mr. Pickwick. "Very well," said old Wardle. " Now the sooner " I am very sorry to make any further objection, but we're off the better. Will you join us at twelve, I can not consent to go on, unless you carry it as then, Pickwick?" Winkle does his." Mr. Pickwick was particularly desirous to view " I think you had better, sir," said the long gamethe sport, the more especially as he was rather anx- keeper," or you're quite as likely to lodge the charge ious in respect of Mr. Winkle's life and limbs. On in yourself as in any thing else." so inviting a morning, too, it was very tantalizing Mr. Tnpman, with the most obliging haste, placed to turn back, and leave his friends to enjoy them- his piece in the position required, and the party selves. It was, therefore, with a very rueful air moved on again; the two amateurs marching with that he replied, reversed arms, like a couple of privates at a royal "Why, I suppose I must." funeral. " An't the gentleman a shot, sir?" inquired the The dogs suddenly came to a dead stop, and the long gamekeeper. party advancing stealthily a single pace, stopped too. " No," replied Wardle; "and he's lame besides." "What's the matter with the dogs' legs?" whis"I should very much like to go," said Mr. Pick- pered Mr. Winkle. "How queer they're standing." wick," very much." "Hush, can't you?" replied Wardle, softly. -" Don't There was a short pause of commiseration. you see, they're making a point?" "There's a barrow t'other side the hedge," said "Making a point!" said Mr. Winkle, staring about 8 114 THE PICKGWICK CLUB. him, as if he expected to discover some particular they crept, and very quietly they would have adbeauty in the landscape, which the sagacious ani- vanced, if Mr. Winkle, in the performance of some mals were calling special attention to. "Making a very intricate evolutions with his gun, had not accipoint! What are they pointing at?" dentally fired, at the most critical moment, over the " Keep your eyes open," said Wardle, not heeding boy's head, exactly in the very spot where the tall the question in the excitement of the moment. man's brain would have been, had he been there in"Now then." stead. There was a sharp whirring noise, that made Mr. "Why, what on earth did you do that for?" said Winkle start back as if he had been shot himself. old Wardle, as the birds flew unharmed away. Bang, bang, went a couple of guns; -the smoke "I never saw such a gun in my life," replied poor swept quickly away over the field, and curled into Mr. Winkle, looking at the lock, as if that would do the air. any good. " It goes off of its own accord. It will "Where are they?" said Mr. Winkle, in a state of do it." the highest excitement, turning round and round in "Will do it?" echoed Wardle, with something of all directions. "Where are they? Tell me when irritation in his manner. "I wish it would kill to fire. Where are they-where are they?"' something of its own accord." "Where are they?" said Wardle, taking up a brace " It'll do that afore long, sir," observed the tall of birds which the dogs had deposited at his feet. man, in a low, prophetic voice. "Why, here they are." "What do you mean by that observation, sir?" in" No, no; I mean the others," said the bewildered quired Mr. Winkle, angrily. Winkle. "Never mind, sir, never mind," replied the long " Far enough off, by this time," replied Wardle, gamekeeper; " I've no family myself, sir; and this coolly reloading his gun. here boy's mother will get something handsome from " We shall very likely be up with another covey Sir Geoffrey, if he's killed on his land. Load again, in five minutes," said the long gamekeeper. "If the sir, load again." gentleman begins to fire now, perhaps he'll just get "Take away his gun," cried Mr. Pickwick from the the shot out of the barrel by the time they rise." barrow, horror-stricken at the long man's dark in"Ha! ha! ha!" roared Mr. Weller. sinuatibns. "Take away his gun, do you hear, "Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, compassionating his somebody?" follower's confusion and embarrassment. Nobody, however, volunteered to obey the com" Sir." mand; and Mr. Winkle, after darting a rebellious "Don't laugh." glance at Mr. Pickwick, reloaded his gun, and pro"Certainly not, sir." So, by way of indemnifica- ceeded onward with the rest. tion, Mr. Weller contorted his features from behind We are bound, on the authority of Mr. Pickwick, the wheelbarrow, for the exclusive amusement of to state, that Mr. Tupman's mode of proceeding the boy with the leggings, who thereupon burst evinced far more of prudence and deliberation than into a boisterous laugh, and was summarily cuffed that adopted by Mr. Winkle. Still, this by no means by the long gamekeeper, who wanted a pretext for detracts from the great authority of the latter genturning round, to hide his own merriment. tleman, on all matters connected with the field; be" Bravo, old fellow!" said Wardle to Mr. Tupman; cause, as Mr. Pickwick beautifully observes, it has " you fired that time, at all events." somehow or other happened, from time immemorial, " Oh yes," replied Mr. Tupman, with conscious that many of the best and ablest philosophers, who pride. "I let it off." have been perfect lights of science in matters of "Well done. You'll hit something next time, if theory, have been wholly unable to reduce them to you look sharp. Very easy, ain't it?" practice. "Yes, it's very easy," said Mr. Tupman. "How Mr. Tupman's process, like many of our most subit hurts one's shoulder, though. It nearly knocked lime discoveries, was extremely simple. With the me backward. I had no idea these small fire-arms quickness and penetration of a man of genius, he kicked so." had at once observed that the two great points to be "Ah," said the old gentleman, smiling; "you'll attained were-first, to discharge his piece without get used to it in time. Now then-all ready-all injury to himself, and, secondly, to do so without right with the barrow there?" danger to the by-standers;-obviously, the best "All right, sir," replied Mr. Weller. thing to do, after surmounting the difficulty of firing " Come along then." at all, was to shut his eyes firmly, and fire into the "Hold hard, sir," said Sam, raising the barrow. air. "Ay, ay," replied Mr. Pickwick; and on they went, On one occasion, after performing this feat, Mr. as briskly as need be. Tupman, on opening his eyes, beheld a plump par" Keep that barrow back now," cried Wardle when tridge in the act of falling wounded to the ground. it had been hoisted over a stile into another field, He was on the point of congratulating Mr. Wardle and Mr. Pickwick had been deposited in it once more. on his invariable success, when that gentleman ad"All right, sir," replied Mr. Weller, pausing. vanced toward him, and grasped him warmly by the "Now, Winkle," said the old gentleman, "follow hand. me softly, and don't be too late this time." "Tupman," said the old gentleman, "you singled "Never fear," said Mr. Winkle. "Are they point- out that particular bird?" ing?" "No," said Mr. Tupman-" no." "No, no; not now. Quietly now, quietly." On "You did," said Wardle. " I saw you do it-I ob REFRESHMENTS AND COLD PUNCH. 115 served you pick him out —I noticed you, as you'I do-a good many,' says he.'You must be wery raised your piece to take aim; and I will say this, fond o' cats,' says I.'Other people is,' says he, that the best shot in existence could not have done a-winkin' at me;'they an't in season till the winit more beautifully. You are an older hand at this, ter though,' says he.'Not in season!' says I.'No,' than I thought you, Tupman; you have been out says he,'fruits is in, cats is out.''Why, what do before." you mean?' says I.'Mean?' says he.'That Ill It was in vain for Mr. Tupman to protest, with a never be a party to the combination o' the butchers, smile of self-denial, that he never had. The very to keep up the prices o' meat,' says he.' Mr. Weller,' smile was taken as evidence to the contrary; and says he, a-squeezing my hand wery hard, and visperfrom that time forth, his reputation was established. ing in my ear-' don't mention this here agin-but It is not the only reputation that has been acquired it's the seasonin' as does it. They're all made o' as easily, nor are such fortunate circumstances con- them noble animals,' says he, a-pointin' to a wery fined to partridge-shooting. nice little tabby kitten,'and I seasons'em for beefMeanwhile, Mr. Winkle flashed, and blazed, and steak, weal, or kidney,'cordin to the demand. And smoked away, without producing any material re- more than that,' says he,'I can make a weal a beefsults worthy of being noted down; sometimes ex- steak, or a beefsteak a kidney, or any one on'em a pending his charge in mid-air, and at others sending mutton, at a minute's notice, just as the market it skimming along so near the surface of the ground changes, and appetites wary!' as to place the lives of the two dogs on a rather uu- " He must have been a very ingenious young man, certain and precarious tenure. As a display of fancy that, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, with a slight shudder. shooting, it was extremely varied and curious; as an " Just was, sir," replied Mr. Weller, continuing his exhibition of firing with any precise object, it was, occupation of emptying the basket,'"and the pies upon the whole, perhaps a failure. It is an estab- was beautiful. Tongue; well that's a wery good lished axiom, that "every bullet has its billet." If it thing when it an't a woman's. Bread-knuckle o' apply in an equal degree to shot, those of Mr. Winkle ham, reg'lar picter-cold beef in slices, wery good. were unfortunate foundlings, deprived of their nat- What's in them stone jars, young touch-and-go?" ural rights, cast loose upon the world, and billeted "Beer in this one," replied the boy, taking from nowhere. his shoulder a couple of large stone bottles, fasten"Well," said Wardle, walking up to the side of ed together by a leathern strap-"cold punch in the barrow, and wiping the streams of perspiration t'other." from his jolly red face; " smoking day, isn't it?" "And a wery good notion of a lunch it is, take it " It is, indeed," replied Mr. Pickwick. "The sun altogether," said Mr. Weller, surveying his arrangeis tremendously hot, even to me. I don't know how ment of the repast with great satisfaction. "Now, you must feel it." gen'l'm'n,'fall on,' as the English said to the French " Why," said the old gentleman, " pretty hot. It's when they fixed bagginets." past twelve, though. You see that green hill there?" It needed no second invitation to induce the party " Certainly." to yield full justice to the meal; and as little press" That's the place where we are to lunch; and, by ing did it require to induce Mr. Weller, the long Jove, there's the boy with the basket, punctual as gamekeeper, and the two boys, to station themselves clock-work!" on the grass, at a little distance, and do good execu" So he is," said Mr. Pickwick, brightening up. tion upon a decent proportion of the viands. An "Good boy, that. I'll give him a shilling, presently. old oak afforded a pleasant shelter to the group, and Now, then, Sam, wheel away." a rich prospect of arable and meadow land, inter"Hold on, sir," said Mr. Weller, invigorated with sected with luxuriant hedges, and richly ornamented the prospect of refreshments. "Out of the vay, with wood, lay spread out below them. young leathers. If you walley my precious life don't "This is delightful-thoroughly delightful!" said upset me, as the gen'l'm'n said to the driver when Mr. Pickwick, the skin of whose expressive countethey was a-carryin' him to Tyburn." And quicken- nance was rapidly peeling off, with exposure to the ing his pace to a sharp run, Mr. Weller wheeled his sun. master nimbly to the green hill, shot him dexterous- "So it is: so it is, old fellow," replied Wardle. ly out by the very side of the basket, and proceeded " Come; a glass of punch!" to unpack it with the utmost dispatch. "With great pleasure," said Mr. Pickwick; the " Weal pie," said Mr. Weller, soliloquizing, as he satisfaction of whose countenance, after drinking it, arranged the eatables on the grass. "Werry good bore testimony to the sincerity of the reply. thing is weal pie, when you know the lady as made "Good," said Mr. Pickwick, smacking his lips. it, and is quite sure it an't kittens; and arter all "Very good. I'll take another. Cool; very cool. though, where's the odds, when they're so like weal Come, gentlemen," continued Mr. Pickwick, still rethat the wery piemen themselves don't know the taining his hold upon the jar, "a toast. Our friends difference?" at Dingley Dell." " Don't they, Sam?" said Mr. Pickwick. The toast was drunk with loud acclamations. "Not they, sir," replied Mr. Weller, touching his " I'll tell you what I shall do, to get up my shoothat. "I lodged in the same house vith a pieman ing again," said Mr. Winkle, who was eating bread once, sir, and a wery nice man he was-reg'lar clever and ham with a pocket-knife. "I'll put a stuffed chap, too-make pies out o' any thing, he could. partridge on the top of a post, and practice at it, be-'What a number o' cats you keep, Mr. Brooks,' says ginning at a short distance, and lengthening it by I, when I'd got intimate with him.'Ah,' says he, degrees. I understand it's capital practice." 116 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " I know a gen'l'man, sir," said Mr. Weller, " as did black neckerchief and blue surtout, who, when he that, and begun at two yards; but he never tried it did condescend to walk about his property, did it in on agin; for he blowed the bird right clean away at company with a thick rattan stick with a brass ferthe first fire, and nobody ever seed a feather on him rule, and a gardener and sub-gardener with meek arterwards." faces, to whom (the gardeners, not the stick) Captain "Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. Boldwig gave his orders with all due grandeur and "Sir," replied Mr. Weller. ferocity: for Captain Boldwig's wife's sister had "Have the goodness to reserve your anecdotes till married a Marquis, and the Captain's house was a they are called for." villa, and his land "grounds," and it was all very " Cert'nly, sir." high, and mighty, and great. Here Mr. Weller winked the eye which was not Mr. Pickwick had not been asleep half an hour concealed by the beer-can he was raising to his lips when little Captain Boldwig, followed by the two with such exquisiteness, that the two boys went into gardeners, came striding along as fast as his size and spontaneous convulsions, and even the long man importance would let him; and when he came near condescended to smile. the oak-tree, Captain Boldwig paused, and drew a "Well, that certainly is most capital cold punch," long breath, and looked at the prospect as if he said Mr. Pickwick, looking earnestly at the stone thought the prospect ought to be highly gratified at bottle; " and the day is extremely warm, and-Tup- having him to take notice of it; and then he struck man, my dear friend, a glass of punch?" the ground emphatically with his stick, and sum"With the greatest delight," replied Mr. Tupman; moned the head-gardener. and having drank that glass, Mr. Pickwick took an- "Hunt," said Captain Boldwig. other, just to see whether there was any orange-peel "Yes, sir," said the gardener. in the punch, because orange-peel always disagreed "Roll this place to-morrow morning-do you with him; and finding that there was not, Mr. Pick- hear, Hunt?" wick took another glass to the health of their absent "Yes, sir." friend, and then felt himself imperatively called upon "And take care that you keep me this place in to propose another in honor of the punch-compound- good order-do you hear, Hunt?" er, unknown. "Yes, sir." This constant succession of glasses produced con- "And remind me to have a board done about tressiderable effect upon Mr. Pickwick; his countenance passers, and spring-guns, and all that sort of thing, beamed with the most sunny smiles, laughter played to keep the common people out. Do you hear, Hunt; around his lips, and good-humored merriment twink- do you hear?" led in his eye. Yielding by degrees to the influence " I'll not forget it, sir." of the exciting liquid, rendered more so by the heat, " I beg your pardon, sir," said the other man, adMr. Pickwick expressed a strong desire to recollect vancing, with his hand to his hat. a song which he had heard in his infancy, and the "Well, Wilkins, what's the matter with you?" attempt proving abortive, sought to stimulate his said Captain Boldwig. memory with more glasses of punch, which appeared " I beg your pardon, sir-but I think there have to have quite a contrary effect; for, from forgetting been trespassers here to-day." the words of the song, he began to forget how to ar- "Ha!'" said the Captain, scowling around him. ticulate any words at all; and finally, after rising to "Yes, sir-they have been dining here, I think, his legs to address the company in an eloquent sir." speech, he fell into the barrow, and fast asleep, sim- "Why, confound their audacity, so they have," ultaneously. said Captain Boldwig, as the crumbs and fragments The basket having been repacked, and it being that were strewn upon the grass met his eye. " They found perfectly impossible to awaken Mr. Pickwick have actually been devouring their food here. I from his torpor, some discussion took place whether wish I had the vagabonds here!" said the Captain, it would be better for Mr. Weller to wheel his master clenching the thick stick. back again, or to leavelim where he was, until they "I wish I had the vagabonds here," said the Capshould all be ready to return. The latter course tain, wrathfully. was at length decided on; and as the further ex- " Beg your pardon, sir," said Wilkins, "but —" pedition was not to exceed an hour's duration, and " But what? Eh?" roared the Captain; and folas Mr. Weller begged very hard to be one of the lowing the timid glance of Wilkins, his eyes enparty, it was determined to leave Mr. Pickwick countered the wheelbarrow and Mr. Pickwick. asleep in the barrow, and to call for him on their " Who are you, you rascal?" said the Captain, adreturn. So away they went, leaving Mr. Pickwick ministering several pokes to Mr. Pickwick's body snoring most comfortably in the shade. with the thick stick. "What's your name?" That Mr. Pickwick would have continued to snore " Cold punch," murmured Mr. Pickwick, as he in the shade until his friends came back, or, in de- sunk to sleep again. fault thereof, until the shades of evening had fallen "What?" demanded Captain Boldwig. on the landscape, there appears no reasonable cause No reply. to doubt; always supposing that he had been suffered " What did he say his name was?" asked the Capto remain there in peace. But he was not suffered tain. to remain there in peace. And this was what pre- " Punch, I think, sir," replied Wilkins. vented him: "That's his impudence, that's his confounded imCaptain Boldwig was a little fierce man in a stiff pudence," said Captain Boldwig. " He's only feign CAPTAIN BOLDWIG IN A PASSION. 117 ing to be asleep now," said the Captain, in a high of fruitless search, they arrived at the unwelcome passion. "He's drunk; he's a drunken plebeian. conclusion that they must go home without him. Wheel him away, Wilkins, wheel him away di- Meanwhile Mr. Pickwick had bees wheeled to the rectly." Pound, and safely deposited therein, fast asleep in " Where shall I wheel him to, sir?" inquired Wil- the wheelbarrow, to the immeasurable delight and kins, with great timidity. satisfaction, not only of all the boys in the village, "Wheel him to the Devil," replied Captain Bold- but three-fourths of the whole population, who had wig. gathered round, in expectation of his waking. If "Very well, sir," said Wilkins. their most intense gratification had been excited by "Stay," said the Captain. seeing him wheeled in, how many hundred-fold was Wilkins stopped accordingly. their joy increased when, after a few indistinct cries "Wheel him," said the Captain, "wheel him to of " Sam!" he sat up in the barrow, and gazed with the pound; and let us see whether he calls himself indescribable astonishment on the faces before him. Punch when he comes to himself. He shall not bul- A general shout was of course the signal of his ly me, he shall not bully me. Wheel him away." having woke up; and his involuntary inquiry of "WHO ABE YOU, YOU RA80ALS"' Away Mr. Pickwick was wheeled in compliance" What's the matter?" occasioned another, louder with this imperious mandate: and the great Captain than the first, if possible. Boldwig, swelling with indignation, proceeded on l "Here's a game!" roared the populace. his walk. "Where am I?" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. Inexpressible was the astonishment of the little "In the Pound," replied the mob. party, when they returned, to find that Mr. Pickwick "How came I here? What was I doing? Where had disappeared, and taken the wheelbarrow with was I brought from?" him. It was the most mysterious and unaccountable "Boldwig! Captain Boldwig!" was the only rething that was ever heard of. For a lame man to ply. have got upon his legs without any previous notice, "Let me out," cried Mr. Pickwick. " Where's my and walked off would have been most extraordinary; servant? Where are my friends?" but when it came to his wheeling a heavy barrow be- "You an't got no friends. Hurra!" Then there fore him, by way of amusement, it grew positively came a turnip, then a potato, and then an egg: with miraculous. They searched every nook and corner a few other little tokens of the playful disposition round, together and separately; they shouted, whis- of the many-headed. tfled, laughed, called-and all with the same result. How long this scene might have lasted, or how Mr. Pickwick was not to be found. After some hours much Mr. Pickwick might have suffered, no one can 118 THE PICKWICK CLUB. tell, had not a carriage, which was driving swiftly deposited several ticketed bundles of dirty papers, by, suddenly pulled up, from whence there descended some old deal boxes with paper labels, and sundry old Wardle and Sam Weller, the former of whom, in decayed stone ink-bottles of various shapes and sizes. far less time than it takes to write it, if not to read There was a glass door leading into the passage it, had made his way to Mr. Pickwick's side, and which formed the entrance to the court, and on the placed him in the vehicle, just as the latter had con- outer side of this glass door, Mr. Pickwick, closely eluded the third and last round of a single combat followed by Sam Weller, presented himself on the'with the town-beadle. Friday morning succeeding the occurrence, of which " Run to the Justice's!" cried a dozen voices. a faithful narration is given in the last chapter. "Ah, run avay," said Mr. Weller, jumping up on "Come in, can't you?" cried a voice from behind the box. "Give my compliments-Mr. Veller's com- the partition, in reply to Mr. Pickwick's gentle tap pliments-to the Justice, and tell him I've spiled his at the door. And Mr. Pickwick and Sam entered acbeadle, and that, if he'll swear in a new'un, I'll come cordingly. back agin to-morrow and spile him. Drive on, old "Mr. Dodson or Mr. Fogg at home, sir?" inquired feller." Mr. Pickwick, gently, advancing, hat in hand, toward "I'll give directions for the commencement of an the partition. action for false imprisonment against this Captain "Mr. Dodson ain't at home, and Mr. Fogg's parBoldwig, directly I get to London," said Mr. Pick- ticularly engaged," replied the voice; and at the wick, as soon as the carriage turned out of the town. same time the head to which the voice belonged, with "We were trespassing, it seems," said Wardle. a pen behind its ear, looked over the partition, and "I don't care," said Mr. Pickwick, "I'll bring the at Mr. Pickwick. action." It was a ragged head, the sandy hair of which, "No, you won't," said Wardle. scrupulously parted on one side, and flattened down "I will, by-" but as there was a humorous ex- with pomatum, was twisted into little semicircular pression in Wardle's face, Mr. Pickwick checked him- tails round a flat face ornamented with a pair of self, and said: "Why not?" small eyes, and garnished with a very dirty shirt " Because," said old Wardle, half-bursting with collar, and a rusty black stock. laughter, "because they might turn round on some " Mr. Dodson ain't at home, and Mr. Fogg's particof us, and say we had taken too much cold punch." ularly engaged," said the man to whom the head beDo what he would, a smile would come into Mr. longed. Pickwick's face; the smile extended into a laugh; "When will Mr. Dodson be back, sir?" inquired the laugh into a roar; the roar became general. So, Mr. Pickwick. to keep up their good-humor, they stopped at the "Can't say." first road-side tavern they came to, and ordered a "Will it be long before Mr. Fogg is disengaged, glass of brandy-and-water all round, with a magnum sir?" of extra strength for Mr. Samuel Weller. "Don't know." Here the man proceeded to mend his pen with ~ -— *~~ —— great deliberation, while another clerk, who was mixing a Seidlitz powder under cover of the lid of CHAPTER XX. his desk, laughed approvingly. " I think I'll wait," said Mr. Pickwick. There was SHOWING HOW DODSON AND FOGG WERE MEN OF no reply; so Mr. Pickwick sat down unbidden, and BUSINESS, AND THEIR CLERKS MEN OF PLEASURE; s BUSINESS, AND THEIR CLERKS MEN OF` PLEASU~RE; listened to the loud ticking of the clock and the murAND HOW AN AFFECTING INTERVIEW TOOK PLACE ued oeto of the cl mured conversation of the clerks. BETWEEN MR. WELLER AND HIS LONG-LOST PAR- BENT; SHOWING ALSO WHAT CHOICE SPIRITS AS-, " That was a game, wasn't it?" said one of the genENT; SHOWING ALSO WHAT CHOICE SPIRITS AStlemen, in a brown coat and brass buttons, inky SEMBLED AT THE MAGPIE AND STyMP, AND WHAT, a SEMBLED AT THE MAGPIE AND STINMP, AND WHAT drabs, and bluchers, at the conclusion of some inauA CAPITAL CHAPTER THE NEXT ONE'ILL BE. CAPITA dible relation of his previous evening's adventures. IN the ground-floor front of a dingy house, at the "Devilish good —devilish good," said the Seidlitzvery farthest end of Freeman's Court, Cornhill, powder man. sat the four clerks of Messrs. Dodson and Fogg, two "Tom Cummins was in the chair," said the man of his Majesty's Attorneys of the Courts of King's with the brown coat; " it was half-past four when I Bench and Common Pleas at Westminster, and so- got to Somers Town, and then I was so uncommon licitors of the High Court of Chancery: the aforesaid lushey, that I couldn't find the place where the latchclerks catching as favorable glimpses of Heaven's key went in, and was obliged to knock up the old light and Heaven's sun, in the course of their daily'ooman. I say, I wonder what old Fogg'ud say, if labors, as a man might hope to do, were he placed at he knew it. I should get the sack, I s'pose-eh?" the bottom of a reasonably deep Mell; and without At this humorous notion, all the clerks laughed in the opportunity of perceiving the stars in the day-. concert. time, which the latter secluded situation affords. "There was such a game with Fogg here, this The clerks' office of Messrs. Dodson and Fogg was mornin'," said the man in the brown coat, " while a dark, moldy, earthy-smelling room, with a high Jack was up stairs sorting the papers, and you two wainscoted partition to screen the clerks from the were gone to the stamp-office. Fogg was down here, vulgar gaze: a couple of old wooden chairs: a very opening the letters, when that chap as we issued the loud-ticking clock: an almanac, an umbrella-stand, writ against at Camberwell, you know, came in — a row of hat-pegs, and a few shelves, on which were what's his name again?" MORAL (AND LEGAL) ELEVATION. 119 " Ramsey," said the clerk who had spoken to Mr. "Pickwick," replied the illustrious subject of these Pickwick. memoirs. "Ah, Ramsey-a precious seedy-looking customer. Mr. Jackson departed up stairs on his errand, and'Well, sir,' says old Fogg, looking at him very fierce immediately returned with a message that Mr. Fogg -you know his way-' well sir, have you come to would see Mr. Pickwick in five minutes; and having settle?'' Yes, I have, sir,' said Ramsey, putting his delivered it, returned again to his desk. hand in his pocket, and bringing out the money,' the "What did he say his name was?" whispered debt's two-pound-ten, and the costs three-pound-five, Wicks. and here it is, sir," and he sighed like bricks, as he " Pickwick," replied Jackson; "it's the defendant lugged out the money, done tiin a bit of blotting- in Bardell and Pickwick." paper. Old Fogg looked first at the money, and then A sudden scraping of feet, mingled with the sound at him, and then he coughed in his rum way, so that of suppressed laughter, was heard from behind the I knew something was coming.'You don't know partition. there's a declaration filed, which increases the costs "They're a-twiggin' of you, sir," whispered Mr. materially, I suppose?' said Fogg.' You don't say Weller. that, sir,' said Ramsey, starting back;'the time was "Twigging of me, Sam!" replied Mr. Pickwick; only out last night, sir.''I do say it, though,' said "what do you mean by twigging me?" Fogg,'my clerk's just gone to file it. Hasn't Mr. Mr. Weller replied by pointing with his thumb Jackson gone to file that declaration in Bullman and over his shoulder, and Mr. Pickwick, on looking up, Ramsey, Mr. Wicks?' Of course I said yes, and then became sensible of the pleasing fact, that all the four Fogg coughed again, and looked at Ramsey.'My clerks, with countenances expressive of the utmost God!' said Ramsey;'and here have I nearly driven amusement, and with their heads thrust over the myself mad, scraping this money together, and all wooden screen, were minutely inspecting the figure to no purpose.''None at all,' said Fogg, coolly;'so and general appearance of the supposed trifler with you had better go back and scrape some more together, female hearts, and disturber of female happiness. and bring it here in time.' I can't get it, by God!' On his looking up, the row of heads suddenly disapsaid Ramsey, striking the desk with his fist.' Don't peared, and the sound of pens traveling at a furious bully me, sir,' said Fogg, getting into a passion on rate over paper, immediately succeeded. purpose.'I am not bullying you, sir,' said Ramsey. A sudden ring at the bell which hung in the office,'You are,' said Fogg;'get out, sir; get out of this summoned Mr. Jackson to the apartment of Fogg, office, sir, and come back, sir, when you know how from whence he came back to say that he (Fogg) to behave yourself' Well, Ramsey tried to speak, was ready to see Mr. Pickwick if he would step up but Fogg wouldn't let him, so he put the money in stairs. his pocket, and sneaked out. The door was scarce- Up stairs Mr. Pickwick did step accordingly, leavly shut, when old Fogg turned round to me, with a ing Sam Weller below. The room door of the onesweet smile on his face, and drew the declaration out pair back, bore inscribed in legible characters the imof his coat-pocket.'Here, Wicks,' says Fogg,' take posing words " Mr. Fogg;" and, having tapped therea cab, and go down to the Temple as quick as you at, and been desired to come in, Jackson ushered Mr. can, and file that. The costs are quite safe, for he's Pickwick into the presence. a steady man with a large family, at a salary of five- "Is Mr. Dodson in?" inquired Mr. Fogg. and-twenty shillings a week, and if he gives us a "Just come in, sir," replied Jackson. warrant of attorney, as he must in the end, I know "Ask him to step here." his employers will see it paid; so we may as well "Yes, sir." Exit Jackson. get all we can out of him, Mr. Wicks; it's a Christian "Take a seat, sir," said Fogg; " there is the paper, act to do it, Mr. Wicks, for with his large family and sir; my partner will be here directly, and we can small income, he'll be all the better for a good les- converse about this matter, sir." son against getting into debt-won't he, Mr. Wicks, Mr. Pickwick took a seat and the paper, but, inwon't he?'-and he smiled so good-naturedly as he stead of reading the latter, peeped over the top of it, went away, that it was delightful to see him. He is and took a survey of the man of business, who was a capital man of business," said Wicks, in a tone of an elderly, pimply-faced, vegetable-diet sort of man, the deepest admiration, " Capital, isn't'he?" in a black coat, dark mixture trowsers, and small The other three cordially subscribed to this opin- black gaiters: a kind of being who seemed to be an ion, and the anecdote afforded the most unlimited essential part of the desk at which he was writing, satisfaction. and to have as much thought or sentiment. "Nice men these here, sir," whispered Mr. Weller After a few minutes' silence, Mr. Dodson, a plump, to his master; " wery nice notion of fun they has, portly, stern-looking man, with a loud voice, appearsir." ed; and the conversation commenced. Mr. Pickwick nodded assent, and coughed to at- "This is Mr. Pickwick," said Fogg. tract the attention of the young gentlemen behind "Abt You are the defendant, sir, in Bardell and the partition, who, having now relaxed their minds Pickwick?" said D.odson. by a little conversation among themselves, conde- " I am, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick. sceuded to take some notice of the stranger. "Well, sir," said Dodson, "and what do you pro"I wonder whether Fogg's disengaged now?" said pose?" Jackson. "Ah!" said Fogg, thrusting his hands into his "I'll see," said Wicks, dismounting leisurely from trowsers' pockets, and throwing himself back in his his stool. "What name shall I tell Mr. Fogg?" chair," what do you propose, Mr. Pickwick?" 120 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Hush, Fogg," said Dodson, "let me hear what "Unquestionably," replied Dodson, sternly. For Mr. Pickwick has to say." the action was onlyjust begun; and it wouldn't have " I came, gentlemen," said Mr. Pickwick, gazing done to let Mr. Pickwick compromise it then, even if placidly on the two partners, "I came here, gentle- he had been so disposed. men, to express the surprise with which I received "As you offer no terms, sir," said Dodson, displayyour letter of the other day, and to inquire what ing a slip of parchment in his right hand, and affecgrounds of action you can have against me." tionately pressing a paper copy of it on Mr. Pickwick " Grounds of-" Fogg had ejaculated thus much, with his left, "I had better serve you with a copy of when he was stopped by Dodson. this writ, sir. Here is the original, sir." "Mr. Fogg," said Dodson, "I am going to speak." "Very well, gentlten, very well," said Mr. Pick"I beg your pardon, Mr. Dodson," said Fogg. wick, rising in person and wrath at the same time; "For the grounds of action, sir," continued Dod- "you shall hear from my solicitor, gentlemen." son, with more elevation in his air, "you will con- "We shall be very happy to do so," said Fogg, sult your own conscience and your own feelings. rubbing his hands. We, sir, we are guided entirely by the statement of "Very," said Dodson, opening the door. our client. That statement, sir, may be true, or it "And before I go, gentlemen," said the excited may be false; it may be credible, or it may be in- Mr. Pickwick, turning round on the landing, " percredible; but, if it be true, and if it be credible, I do mit me to say, that of all the disgraceful and rascalnot hesitate to say, sir, that our grounds of action, ly proceedings-" sir, are strong, and not to be shaken. You may be "Stay, sir, stay," interposed Dodson, with great an unfortunate man, sir, or you may be a designing politeness. " Mr. Jackson! Mr. Wicks!" one; but if I were called upon, as a juryman upon "Sir," said the two clerks, appearing at the botmy oath, sir, to express an opinion of your conduct, tom of the stairs. sir, I do not hesitate to assert that I should have but " I merely want you to hear what this gentleman one opinion about it." Here Dodson drew himself says," replied Dodson. "Pray, go on, sir-disgraceup, with an air of offended virtue, and looked at ful and rascally proceedings, I think you said?" Fogg, who thrust his hands farther in his pockets, "I did," said Mr. Pickwick, thoroughly roused. and, nodding his head sagely, said, in a tone of the "I said, sir, that of all the disgraceful and rascally fullest concurrence," Most certainly." proceedings that ever were attempted, this is the "Well, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, with considerable most so. I repeat it, sir." pain depicted in his countenance, " you will permit "You hear that, Mr. Wicks?" said Dodson. me to assure you, that I am a most unfortunate man, "You won't forget these expressions, Mr. Jackso far as this case is concerned." son?" said Fogg. "I hope you are, sir," replied Dodson; " I trust "Perhaps you would like to call us swindlers, you may be, sir. If you are really innocent of what sir," said Dodson. " Pray do, sir, if you feel disis laid to your charge, you are more unfortunate than posed; now pray do, sir." I had believed any man could possibly be. What "I do," said Mr. Pickwick. "You are swindlers." do you say, Mr. Fogg?" "Very good," said Dodson. " You can hear down " I say precisely what you say," replied Fogg, with there, I hope, Mr. Wicks?" a smile of incredulity. "Oh yes, sir," said Wicks. "The writ, sir, which commences the action," con- " You had better come up a step or two higher, if tinned Dodson, " was issued regularly. Mr. Fogg, you can't," added Mr. Fogg. " Go on, sir; do go on. where is the prcecipe book?" You had better call us thieves, sir; or perhaps you " Here it is," said Fogg, handing over a square would like to assault one of us. Pray do it, sir, if book, with a parchment cover. you would; we will not make the smallest resist" Here is the entry," resumed Dodson. "'Middle- ance. Pray do it, sir." sex, Capias Martha Bardell, widow, v. Samuel Pickwick. As Fogg put himself very temptingly within the Damages, ~1500. Dodson and Fogg for the plaintiff, reach of Mr. Pickwick's clenched fist, there is little Aug. 28,1830.' All regular, sir; perfectly." Dodson doubt that that gentleman would have complied coughed and looked at Fogg, who said "Perfectly," with his earnest entreaty, but for the interposition also. And then they both looked at Mr. Pickwick. of Sam, who, hearing the dispute, emerged from the "I am to understand, then," said Mr. Pickwick, office, mounted the stairs, and seized his master by " that it really is your intention to proceed with the arm. this action?" * "You just come avay," said Mr. Weller. " Battle"Understand, sir? That you certainly may," re- dore and shuttlecock's a wery good game, vhen you plied Dodson, with something as near a smile as his an't the shuttlecock and two lawyers the battleimportance would allow. dores, in which case it gets too excitin' to be pleas"And that the damages are actually laid at fifteen ant. Come avay, sir. If you want to ease your hundred pounds?" said Mr. Pickwick. mind by blowing up someboby, come out into the " To which understanding you may add my assur- court and blow up me; but it's rayther too expenance, that if we could have prevailed upon our cli- sive work to be carried on here." ent, they would have been laid at treble the amount, And without the slightest ceremony, Mr. Weller sir," replied Dodson. hauled his master down the stairs, and down the " I believe Mrs. Bardell specially said, however," court, and having safely deposited him in Cornhill, observed Fogg, glancing at Dodson, " that she would fell behind, prepared to follow whithersoever hi not compromise for a farthing less." should lead. THE ELDER MR. WELLER APPEARS. 121 Mr. Pickwick walked on abstractedly, crossed op- the appearance of belonging to that learned proposite the Mansion House, and bent his steps up fession, were drinking and smoking in the different Cheapside. Sam began to wonder where they were boxes. Among the number was one stout, red-faced, going, when his master turned round, and said: elderly man in particular, seated in an opposite box, "Sam, I will go immediately to Mr. Perker's." who attracted Mr. Pickwick's attention. The stout "That's just exactly the wery place vere you man was smoking with great vehemence, but between ought to have gone last night, sir," replied Mr. Wel- every half-dozen puffs, he took his pipe from his ler. mouth, and looked first at Mr. Weller and then at "I think it is, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Pickwick. Then he would bury in a quart pot "I know it is," said Mr. Weller. as much of his countenance as the dimensions of the "Well, well, Sam," replied Mr. Pickwick, "we will quart pot admitted of its receiving, and take another go there at once, but first, as I have been rather ruf- look at Sam and Mr. Pickwick. Then he would take fled, I should like a glass of brandy-and-water warm, another half-dozen puffs with an air of profound Sam. Where can I have it, Sam?" meditation and look at them again. At last the Mr. Weller's knowledge of London was extensive stout man, putting up his legs on the seat, and lean-......... i PRAY DO IT, SIR!" and peculiar. He replied, without the slightest con- ing his back against the wall, began to puff at his sideration: pipe without leaving off at all, and to stare through " Second court on the right-hand side-last house the smoke at the new-comers, as if he had made up but vun on the same side the vay-take the box ashis mind to see the most he could of them. stands in the first fire-place,'cos there an't no leg in At first the evolutions of the stout man had esthe middle o' the table, vich all the others has, and caped Mr. Weller's observation, but by degrees, as it's wery inconwenient." he saw Mr. Pickwick's eyes every now and then Mr. Pickwick observed his valet's directions im-turning toward him, he began to gaze in the same plicitly, and bidding Sam follow him, entered the direction, at the same time shading his eyes with his tavern he had pointed out, where the hot brandy- hand, as if he partially recognized the object before and-water was speedily placed before him; while him, and wished to make quite sure of his identity. Mr. Weller, seated at a respectful distance, though His doubts were speedily dispelled, however; for the at the same table with his master, was accommo- stout man having blown a thick cloud from his pipe, dated with a pint of porter. a hoarse voice, like some strange effort of ventriloThe room was one of a very homely description, quism, emerged from beneath the capacious shawls and was apparently under the especial patronage of which muffled his throat and chest, and slowly utstage coachmen: for several gentlemen, who had all tered these sounds-"Wy, Sammy!" and peculiar. He replied, without the slightest con- ing his back against the wall, began to puff at his~~~~~1 stage coachmen: for several gentlemen, who had all tered these sounds-" Wy, Sammy!" 122 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Who's that, Sam?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. " Yes, yes, he is," said Mr. Pickwick and Sam, with "Why, I wouldn't ha' believed it, sir," replied Mr. great earnestness. Weller, with astonished eyes. "It's the old'un." "Then I know where they are, and that's all "Old one," said Mr. Pickwick. " What old one?" about it," said Mr. Weller; " they're at Ipswich, safe "My father, sir," replied Mr. Weller. "How are enough, them two." you, my ancient?" With which beautiful ebullition "No!" said Mr. Pickwick. of filial affection, Mr. Weller made room on the seat "Fact," said Mr. Weller, "and I'll tell you how I beside him, for the stout man, who advanced pipe in know it. I work an Ipswich coach now and then mouth and pot in hand, to greet him. for a friend o' mine. I worked down the wery day " Wy, Sammy," said the father, "I ha'n't seen you arter the night as you caught the rheumatiz, and at for two year and better." the Black Boy at Chelmsford-the wery place they'd " No more you have, old codger," replied the son. come to-I took'em up, right through to Ipswich, "How's mother-in-law?" where the man-servant-him in the mulberries" Wy, I'll tell you what, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, told me they was agoin' to put up for a long time." senior, with much solemnity in his manner; "there "I'll follow him," said Mr. Pickwick; "we may never was a nicer woman as a widder, than that'ere as well see Ipswich as any other place. I'll follow second wentur o' mine-a sweet creetur she was, him." Sammy; all I can say on her now, is, that as she "You're quite certain it was them, governor?" inwas such an uncommon pleasant widder, it's a great quired Mr. Weller, junior. pity she ever changed her con-dition. She don't act "Quite, Sammy, quite," replied his father, "for as a vife, Sammy." their appearance is wery sing'ler; besides that'ere, " Don't she, though?" inquired Mr. Weller, junior. I wondered to see the gen'l'm'n so formiliar with his The elder Mr. Weller shook his head, as he replied servant; and, more than that, as they sat in front, with a sigh, "I've done it once too often, Sammy; right behind the box, I heerd'em laughing, and sayI've done it once too often. Take example by your ing how they'd done old Fireworks." father, my boy, and be wery careful o' widders all "Old who?" said Mr. Pickwick. your life, specially if they've kept a public-house, "Old Fireworks, sir; by which, I've no doubt, Sammy." Having delivered this parental advice they meant you, sir." with great pathos, Mr. Weller, senior, refilled his There is nothing positively vile or atrocious in pipe from a tin box he carried in his pocket, and, the appellation of "old Fireworks," but still it is by lighting his fresh pipe from the ashes of the old one, no means a respectful or flattering designation. The commenced smoking at a great rate. recollection of all the wrongs he had sustained at " Beg your pardon, sir," he said, renewing the sub- Jingle's hands had crowded on Mr. Pickwick's mind, ject, and addressing Mr. Pickwick, after a consider- the moment Mr. Weller began to speak: it wanted able pause," nothin' personal, I hope, sir; I hope you but a feather to turn the scale, and " old Fireworks" ha'n't got a widder, sir." did it. "Not I," replied Mr. Pickwick, laughing; and "I'll follow him," said Mr. Pickwick, with an emwhile Mr. Pickwick laughed, Sam Weller informed phatic blow on the table. his parent in a whisper of the relation in which he "I shall work down to Ipswich the day arter tostood toward that gentleman. morrow, sir," said Mr. Weller the elder, " from the "Beg your pardon, sir," said Mr. Weller, senior, Bull in Whitechapel; and if you really mean to go, taking off his hat, "I hope you've no fault to find you'd better go with me." with Sammy, sir?" "So we had," said Mr. Pickwick; "very true; I "None whatever," said Mr. Pickwick. can write to Bury, and tell them to meet me at "Wery glad to hear it, sir," replied the old man; Ipswich. We will go with you. But don't hurry " I took a good deal o' pains with his eddication, away, Mr. Weller; won't you take any thing?" sir; let him run in the streets when he was wery " You're wery good, sir," replied Mr. W., stopping young, and shift for his-self. It's the only way to short; "perhaps a small glass of brandy to drink make a boy sharp, sir." your health, and success to Sammy, sir, wouldn't be " Rather a dangerous process, I should imagine," amiss." said Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. "Certainly not," replied Mr. Pickwick. "A glass "And not a wery sure one, neither," added Mr. of brandy here!" The brandy was brought: and Weller; " I got reg'larly done the other day." Mr. Weller, after pulling his hair to Mr. Pickwick, "No!" said his father. and nodding to Sam, jerked it down his capacious " I did," said the son; and he proceeded to relate, throat as if it had been a small thimbleful. in as few words as possible, how he had fallen a " Well done, father," said Sam; " take care, old felready dupe to the stratagems of Job Trotter. low, or you'll have a touch of your old complaint, Mr. Weller, senior, listened to the tale with the most the gout." profound attention, and, at its termination, said: " I've found a sov'rin' cure for that, Sammy," said "Worn't one o' these chaps slim and tall, with Mr. Weller, setting down the glass. long hair, and the gift o' the gab wery gallopin'?" "A sovereign cure for the gout," said Mr. PickMr. Pickwick did not quite understand the last wick, hastily producing his note-book-" what is it?" item of description, but, comprehending the first, "The gout, sir," replied Mr. Weller, "the gout is a said " Yes," at a venture. complaint as arises from too much ease and comfort. "T'other's a black-haired chap in mulberry liv- If ever you're attacked with the gout, sir, jist you ery, with a wery large head?" marry a widder as has got a good loud woice, with THE MAGPIE AND STUMP. 123 a decent notion of usin' it, and you'll never have the "Not so well," replied Mr. Pickwick. gout agin. It's a capital prescription, sir. I takes'Well," said the old woman, "if it was any thing it reg'lar, and I can warrant it to drive away any very particular, I was to say where he was, so I supillness as is caused by too much jollity." Having pose there's no harm in telling. If you just go to imparted this valuable secret, Mr. Weller drained his the Magpie and Stump, and ask at the bar for Mr. glass once more, produced a labored wink, sighed Lowten, they'll show you in to him, and he's Mr. deeply, and slowly retired. Perker's clerk." "Well, what do you think of what your father With this direction, and having been furthermore says, Sam?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. informed that the hostelry in question was situated "Think, sir!" replied Mr. Weller; " why, I think in a court, happy in the double advantage of being he's the wictim o' connubiality, as Blue Beard's do- in the vicinity of Clare Market, and closely approxmestic chaplain said, with a tear of pity, ven he bur- imating to the back of New Inn, Mr. Pickwick and ied him." Sam descended the rickety staircase in safety, and There was no replying to this very apposite con- issued forth in quest of the Magpie and Stump. elusion, and therefore Mr. Pickwick, after settling This favored tavern, sacred to the evening orgies the reckoning, resumed nis walk to Gray's Inn. By of Mr. Lowten and his companions, was what ordithe time he reached its secluded groves, however, nary people would designate a public-house. That eight o'clock had struck, and the unbroken stream the landlord was a man of a money-making turn, of gentlemen in muddy high-lows, soiled white hats, was sufficiently testified by the fact of a small bulkand rusty apparel, who were pouring toward the head beneath the tap-room window, in size and shape different avenues of egress, warned him that the not unlike a sedan-chair, being underlet to a mender majority of the offices had closed for that day. of shoes: and that he was a being of a philanthropic After climbing two pairs of steep and dirty stairs, mind, was evident from the protection he afforded to he found his anticipations were realized. Mr. Per- a pieman, who vended his delicacies without fear of ker's " outer door" was closed; and the dead silence interruption on the very door-step. In the lower which followed Mr. Weller's repeated kicks thereat, windows, which were decorated with curtains of a announced that the officials had retired from busi- saffron hue, dangled two or three printed cards, ness for the night. bearing reference to Devonshire cider and Dantzic "This is pleasant, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick; "I spruce, while a large black board, announcing in shouldn't lose an hour in seeing him; I shall not be white letters to an enlightened public that there able to get one wink of sleep to-night, I know, unless were 500,000 barrels of double stout in the cellars I have the satisfaction of reflecting that I have con- of the establishment, left the mind in a state of not fided this matter to a professional man." unpleasing doubt and uncertainty as to the precise "Here's an old'ooman cqmin' up stairs, sir," re- direction in the bowels of the earth in which this plied Mr. Weller; " p'raps she knows where we can mighty cavern might be supposed to extend. When find somebody. Halloo, old lady, vere's Mr. Perker's we add, that the weather-beaten sign-board bore people?" the half-obliterated semblance of a magpie intently "Mr. Perker's people," said a thin, miserable-look- eying a crooked streak of brown paint, which the ing old woman, stopping to recover breath after the neighbors had been taught from infancy to consider ascent of the staircase, "Mr. Perker's people's gone, as the "stump," we have said all that need be said and I'm agoin' to do the office out." of the exterior of the edifice. "Are you Mr. Perker's servant?" inquired Mr. On Mr. Pickwick's presenting himself at the bar, Pickwick. an elderly female emerged from behind a screen "I am Mr. Perker's laundress," replied the old therein, and presented herself before him. woman. "Is Mr. Lowten here, ma'am?" inquired Mr. Pick"Ah," said Mr. Pickwick, half aside to Sam, "it's wick. a curious circumstance, Sam, that they call the old "Yes he is, sir," replied the landlady. "Here, women in these inns, laundresses. I wonder what's Charley, show the gentleman in to Mr. Lowten." that for." "The gen'l'm'n can't go in just now," said a sham"'Cos they has a mortal awersion to washing any bling pot-boy, with a red head, "'cos Mr. Lowten's thin', I suppose, sir," replied Mr. Weller. a-singin' a comic song, and he'll put him out. He'll "I shouldn't wonder," said Mr. Pickwick, looking be done d'rectly, sir." at the old woman, whose appearance, as well as the The red-headed pot-boyhadscarcelyfinished speakcondition of the office, which she had by this time ing, when a most unanimous hammering of tables, opened, indicated a rooted antipathy to the applica- and jingling of glasses, announced that the song had tion of soap-and-water; " do you know where I can that instant terminated; and Mr. Pickwick, after defind Mr. Perker, my good woman?" siring Sam to solace himself in the tap, suffered him"No, I don't," replied the old woman, gruffly; " he's self to be conducted into the presence of Mr. Lowten. out o' town now." At the announcement of "gentleman to speak to "That's unfortunate," said Mr. Pickwick; "where's you, sir," a puffy-faced young man, who filled the his clerk? Do you know?" chair at the head of the table, looked with some sur" Yes, I know where he is, but he won't thank me prise in the direction from whence the voice profor telling you," replied the laundress. ceeded: and the surprise seemed to be by no means " I have very particular business with him," said diminished, when his eyes rested on an individual Mr. Pickwick. whom he had never seen before. " Won't it do in the morning?" said the woman. " I beg your pardon, sir," said Mr. Pickwick," and 124 THE PICKWICK CLUB. I am very sorry to disturb the other gentlemen, too, man?" said a young man with a whisker, a squint, but I come on very particular business; and if you and an open shirt collar (dirty), from the bottom of will suffer me to detain you at this end of the room the table., for five minutes, I shall be very much obliged to "Hear! hear!" said the smoking gentleman in the you." Mosaic jewelry. The puffy-faced young man rose, and drawing a "Because I only know one song, and I have sung chair close to Mr. Pickwick in an obscure corner of it already, and it's a fine of'glasses round' to sing the room, listened attentively to his tale of woe. the same song twice in a night," replied the chair".Ah," he said, when Mr. Pickwick had concluded, man. " Dodson and Fogg-sharp practice theirs-capital This was an unanswerable reply, and silence premen of business, Dodson and Fogg, sir." vailed again. Mr. Pickwick admitted the sharp practice of Dod- "I have been to-night, gentlemen," said Mr. Pickson and Fogg, and Lowten resumed. wick, hoping to start a subject which all the com" Perker ain't in town, and he won't be, neither, pany could take a part in discussing, " I have been before the end of next week; but if you want the to-night in a place which you all know very well, action defended, and will leave the copy with me, I doubtless, but which I have not been in before for can do all that's needful till he comes back." some years, and know very little of; I mean Gray's "That's exactly what I came here for," said Mr. Inn, gentlemen. Curious little nooks in a great Pickwick, handing over the document. "If any place, like London, these old Inns are." thing particular occurs, you can write to me at the " By Jove," said the chairman, whispering across post-office, Ipswich." the table to Mr. Pickwick, "you have hit upon some" That's all right," replied Mr. Perker's clerk; and thing that one of us, at least, would talk upon forthen seeing Mr. Pickwick's eye wandering curiously ever. You'll draw old Jack Bamber out; he was toward the table, he added, "Will you join us, for never heard to'talk about any thing else but the half an hour or so? We are capital company here Inns, and he has lived alone in them till he's half to-night. There's Samkin and Green's managing- crazy." clerk, and Smithers and Price's chancery, and Pim- The individual to whom Lowten alluded was a kin and Thomas's out-o'-door-sings a capital song, little, yellow, high-shouldered man, whose countehe does-and Jack Bamber, and ever so many more. nance, from his habit of stooping forward when siYou're come out of the country, I suppose. Would lent, Mr. Pickwick had not observed before. He you like to join us?" wondered though, when the old man raised his shrivMr. Pickwick could not resist so tempting an op- eled face, and bent his gray eye upon him, with a portunity of studying human nature. He suffered keen inquiring look, that such remarkable features himself to be led to the table, where, after having could have escaped his attention for a moment. been introduced to the company in due form, he was There was a fixed grim smile perpetually on his counaccommodated with a seat near the chairman, and tenance; he leaned his chin on a long, skinny hand, called for a glass of his favorite beverage. with nails of extraordinary length; and as he inA profound silence, quite contrary to Mr. Pick- dined his head to one side, and looked keenly out wick's expectation, succeeded. from beneath his ragged gray eyebrows, there was a "You don't find this sort of thing disagreeable, I strange, wild slyness in his leer, quite repulsive to hope, sir?" said his right-hand neighbor, a gentleman behold. in a checked shirt, and Mosaic studs, with a cigar in This was the figure that now started forward, and his mouth. burst into an animated torrent of words. As this " Not in the least," replied Mr. Pickwick, "I like chapter has been a long one, however, and as the it very much, although I am no smoker myself." old man was a remarkable personage, it will be more " I should be very sorry to say I wasn't," interposed respectful to him, and more convenient to us, to let another gentleman on the opposite side of the table. him speak for himself in a fresh one. " It's board and lodging to me, is smoke." Mr. Pickwick glanced at the speaker, and thoughtthat if it were washing too, it would be all the better. Here there was another pause. Mr. Pickwick was CHAPTER XXI. a stranger, and his coming had evidently cast a damp LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS upon the party.FAVORITE THEME AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT "Mr. Grundy's going to oblige the company with AD REAE A R a song," said the chairman.A QUEER CLIENT. No he ain't," said Mr. Grundy. " AHA!" said the old man, a brief description of "Why not?" said the chairman. whose manner and appearance concluded the "Because he can't," said Mr. Grundy. last chapter, "Aha! who was talking about the Inns?" "You had better say he won't," replied the chair- " I was, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick; " I was observman. ing what singular old places they are." "Well, then, he won't," retorted Mr. Grundy. "You " said the old man, contemptuously, "what Mr. Grundy's positive refusal to gratify the company do you know of the time when young men shut themoccasioned another silence. selves up in those lonely rooms, and read and read, "Won't any body enliven us?" said the chairman, hour after hour, and night after night, till their readespondingly. son wandered beneath their midnight studies; till "Why don't you enliven us yourself, Mr. Chair- their mental powers were exhausted; till morning's INNS OF COURT. 125 light brought no freshness or health to them; and tie old man put his head more on one side, and rubthey sank beneath the unnatural devotion of their bed his hands with unspeakable glee. youthful energies to their dry old books? Coming "I know another case," said the little old man, down to a later time, and a very different day, what when his chuckles had in some degree subsided. do you know of the gradual sinking beneath consump- "It occurred in Clifford's Inn. Tenant of a top set tion, or the quick wasting of fever-the grand results -bad character-shut himself up in his bedroom of'life' and dissipation-which men have under- closet, and took a dose of arsenic. The steward gone in these same rooms? How many vain plead- thought he had run away; opened the door, and put ers for mercy do you think have turned away heart- a bill up. Another man came, took the chambers, sick from the lawyer's office, to find a resting-place furnished them, and went to live there. Somehow in the Thames, or a refuge in the jail? They are no or other he couldn't sleep-always restless and unordinary houses, those. There is not a panel in the comfortable.'Odd,' says he. I'll make the other old wainscoting, but what, if it were endowed with room my bed-chamber, and this my sitting-room.' the powers of speech and memory, could start from He made the change, and slept very well at night, the wall, and tell its tale of horror-the romance of but suddenly found that, somehow, he couldn't read life, sir, the romance of life! Commonplace as they in the evening: he got nervous and uncomfortable, may seem now, I tell you they are strange old places, and used to be always snuffing his candles and starand I would rather hear many a legend with a ter- ing about him.'I can't make this out,' said he, rific sounding name, than the true history of one old when he came home from the play one night, and set of chambers." was drinking a glass of cold grog, with his back to There was something so odd in the old man's sud- the wall, in order that he mightn't be able to fancy den energy, and the subject which had called it forth, there was any one behind him-' I can't make it out,' that Mr. Pickwick was prepared with no observation said he; and just then his eyes rested on the little in reply; and the old man checking his impetuosity, closet that had been always locked up, and a shudand resuming the leer, which had disappeared during der ran through his whole frame from top to toe. his previous excitement, said:'I have felt this strange feeling before,' said he,' I "Look at them in another light: their most com- can not help thinking there's something wrong about monplace and least romantic. What fine places of that closet.' He made a strong effort, plucked up slow torture they are! Think of the needy man who his courage, shivered the lock with a blow or two of has spent his all, beggared himself, and pinched his the poker, opened the door, and there, sure enough, friends, to enter the profession, which will never yield standing bolt upright in the corner, was the last tenhim a morsel of bread. The waiting-the hope-the ant, with a little bottle clasped firmly in his hand, disappointment-the fear-the misery-the poverty and his face - well!" As the little old man con-the blight on his hopes, and end to his career-the cluded, he looked round on the attentive faces of his suicide perhaps, or the shabby, slipshod drunkard. wondering auditory with a smile of grim delight. Am I not right about them?" And the old man "What strange things these are you tell us of, sir," rubbed his hands, and leered as if in delight at hav- said Mr. Pickwick, minutely scanning the old man's ing found another point of view in which to place countenance, by the aid of his glasses. his favorite subject. " Strange!" said the little old man. "Nonsense; Mr. Pickwick eyed the old man with great curi- you think them strange, because you know nothing osity, and the remainder of the company smiled, and about it. They are funny, but not uncommon." looked on in silence. "Funny!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, involuntarily. "Talk of your German universities," said the lit- "Yes, funny, are they not?" replied the little old tie old man. " Pooh, pooh! there's romance enough man, with a diabolical leer; and then, without pausat home without going half a mile for it; only peo- ing for an answer, he continued: pie never think of it." "I knew another man-let me see-forty years " I never thought of the romance of this particular ago now-who took an old, damp, rotten set of chamsubject before, certainly," said Mr. Pickwick, laugh- bers, in one of the most ancient Inns, that had been ing. shut up and empty for years and years before. There " To be sure you didn't," said the little old man, were lots of old women's stories about the place, and " of course not. As a friend of mine used to say it certainly was very far from being a cheerful one; to me,' What is there in chambers, in particular?' but he was poor, and the rooms were cheap, and that'Queer old places,' said I.'Not t aall,' said he. would have been quite a sufficient reason for him, if'Lonely,' said I.'Not a bit of it,' said he. He died they had been ten times worse than they really were. one morning of apoplexy, as he was going to open He was obliged to take some moldering fixtures, that his outer door. Fell with his head in his own letter- were on the place, and, among the rest, was a great box, and there he lay for eighteen months. Every lumbering wooden press for papers, with large glass body thought he'd gone out of town." doors, and a green curtain inside; a pretty useless "And how was he found at last?" inquired Mr. thing for him, for he had no papers to put in it; and Pickwick. as to his clothes, he carried them about with him, "The benchers determined to have his door bro- and that wasn't very hard work either. Well, he ken open, as he hadn't paid any rent for two years. had moved in all his furniture -it wasn't quite a So they did. Forced the lock; and a very dusty truclful-and had sprinkled it about the room, so as skeleton in a blue coat, black knee-shorts, and silks, to make the four chairs look as much like a dozen fell forward in the arms of the porter who opened as possible, and was sitting down before the fire at the door. Queer, that. Rather, perhaps?" The lit- night, drinking the first glass of two gallons of whis 126 THE PICKWICK CLUB. ky he had ordered on credit, wondering whether it think you might find much more comfortable quarwould ever be paid for, and if so, in how many years' ters: to say nothing of the climate of London, which time, when his eyes encountered the glass doors of is extremely disagreeable.''You are very right, the wooden press.'Ah,' says he.' If I hadn't been sir,' said the ghost, politely,'it never struck me till obliged to take that ugly article at the old broker's now; I'll try change of air directly.' In fact, he valuation, I might have got something comfortable began to vanish as he spoke: his legs, indeed, had for the money. I'll tell you what it is, old fellow,' quite disappeared.'Andif, sir,' saidthe tenant,callhe said, speaking aloud to the press, having nothing ing after him,'if you would have the goodness to else to speak to:' If it wouldn't cost more to break suggest to the other ladies and gentlemen who are up your old carcass, than it would ever be worth now engaged in haunting old empty houses, that afterward, I'd have a fire out of you in less than no they might be much more comfortable elsewhere, you time.' He had hardly spoken the words, when a will confer a very great benefit on society.''I will,' sound resembling a faint groan, appeared to issue replied the ghost;'we must be dull fellows, very from the interior of the case. It startled him at dull fellows, indeed; I can't imagine how we can first, but thinking, on a moment's reflection, that it have been so stupid.' With these words, the spirit must be some young fellow in the next chamber, who disappeared; and what is rather remarkable," added had been dining out, he put his feet on the fender, the old man, with a shrewd look round the table, and raised the poker to stir the fire. At that mo-" he never came back again." ment, the sound was repeated: and one of the glass "That ain't bad, if it's true," said the man in the doors slowly opening, disclosed a pale and emaciated Mosaic studs, lighting a fresh cigar. figure.in soiled and worn apparel, standing erect in " If!" exclaimed the old man, with a look of exthe press. The figure was tall and thin, and the cessive contempt. "I suppose," he added, turning countenance expressive of care and anxiety; but to Lowten, "he'll say next, that my story about the there was something in the hue of the skin, and queer client we had, when I was in an attorney's ofgaunt and unearthly appearance of the whole form, fice, is not true, either-I shouldn't wonder." which no being of this world was ever seen to wear. "I sha'n't venture to say any thing at all about it,'Who are you?' said the new tenant, turning very seeing that I never heard the story," observed the pale: poising the poker in his hand, however, and owner of the Mosaic decorations. taking a very decent aim at the countenance of the "I wish you would repeat it, sir," said Mr. Pickfigure.'Who are you?'' Don't throw the poker at wick. me,' replied the form;'if you hurled it with ever "Ah, do," said Lowten, "nobody has heard it but so sure an aim, it would pass through me, without me, and I have nearly forgotten it." resistance, and expend its force on the wood behind. The old man looked round the table, and leered I am a spirit.''And, pray, what do you want here' more horribly than ever, as if in triumph, at the atfaltered the tenant.'In this room,' replied the ap- tention which was depicted in every face. Then parition,'my worldly ruin was worked, and I and rubbing his chin with his hand, and looking up to my children beggared. In this press, the papers in the ceiling as if to recall the circumstances to his a long, long suit, which accumulated for years, were memory, he began as follows: deposited. In this room, when I had died of grief, and long-deferred hope, two wily harpies divided the THE OLD MAN'S TALE ABOUT THE QUEER wealth for which I had contested during a wretched CLIENT. existence, and of which, at last, not one farthing was "It matters little," said the old man, "where, or left for my unhappy descendants. I terrified them how, I picked up this brief history. If I were to refrom the spot, and since that day have prowled by late it in the order in which it reached me, I should night-the only period at which I can revisit the commence in the middle, and when I had arrived earth-about the scenes of my long-protracted mis- at the conclusion, go back for a beginning. It is ery. This apartment is mine: leave it to me.''If enough for me to say that some of its circumstances you insist upon making your appearance here,' said passed before my own eyes. For the remainder I the tenant, who had had time to collect his pres- know them to have happened, and there are some ence of mind during this prosy statement of the persons yet living, who will remember them but too ghost's,'I shall give up possession with the greatest well. pleasure; but I should like to ask you one question, "In the Borough High Street, near Saint George's if you will allow me.'' Say on,' said the apparition, Church, and on the same side of the way, stands, as sternly.'Well,' said the tenant,'I don't apply the most people know, the smallest of our debtors' prisobservation personally to you, because it is equally ons, the Marshalsea. Although in later times it has applicable to most of the'ghosts I ever heard of; but been a very different place from the sink of filth and it does appear to me somewhat inconsistent, that dirt it once was, even its improved condition holds when you have an opportunity of visiting the fairest out but little temptation to the extravagant, or conspots of earth-for I suppose space is nothing to you solation to the improvident. The condemned felon -you should always return exactly to the ve y has as good a yard for air and exercise in Newgate, places where you have been most miserable.'' Egad, as the insolvent debtor in the Marshalsea Prison.* that's very true; I never thought of that before,' "It may be my fancy, or it may be that I can not said the ghost.'You see, sir,' pursued the tenant separate the place from the old recollections asso-'this is a very uncomfortable room. From the appearance of that press, I should be disposed to say Better. But this is past, in a better age, and the prison exthat it is not wholly free from bugs,; and I really ists no longer. BEREAVEMENTS. 127 ciated with it, but this part of London I can not prison. The slight and delicate woman was sinking bear. The street is broad, the shops are spacious, beneath the combined effects of bodily and mental the noise of passing vehicles, the footsteps of a per- illness. The child's young heart was breaking. petual stream of people-all the busy sounds of traf- "Winter came, and with'it weeks of cold and fi, resound in it from morn to midnight, but the heavy rain. The poor girl had removed to a wretched streets around are mean and close; poverty and de- apartment close to the spot of her husband's imprisbauchery lie festering in the crowded alleys; want onment; and though the change had been rendered and misfortune are pent up in the narrow prison; an necessary by their increasing poverty, she was hapair of gloom and dreariness seems, in my eyes at pier now, for she was nearer him. For two months, least, to hang about the scene, and to impart to it a she and her little companion watched the opening squalid and sickly hue. of the gate as usual. One day she failed to come, "Many eyes, that have long since been closed in for the first time. Another morning arrived, and the grave, have looked round upon that scene lightly she came alone. The child was dead. enough, when entering the gate of the old Marshal- "They little know, who coldly talk of the poor sea Prison for the first time: for despair seldom man's bereavements, as a happy release from pain to comes with the first severe shock of misfortune. A the departed, and a merciful relief from expense to man has confidence in untried friends, he remembers the survivor-they little know, I say, what the agothe many offers of service so freely made by his boon- ny of those bereavements is. A silent look of affeccompanions when he wanted them not; he has hope tion and regard when all other eyes are turned coldly -the hope of happy inexperience-and however he away-the consciousness that we possess the symmay bend beneath the first shock, it springs up in pathy and affection of one being when all others his bosom, and flourishes there for a brief space, until have deserted us-is a hold, a stay, a comfort, in the it droops beneath the blight of disappointment and deepest affliction, which no wealth could purchase, neglect. How soon have those same eyes, deeply or power bestow. The child had sat at his parents' sunken in the head, glared from faces wasted with feet for hours together, with his little hands patientfamine, and sallow from confinement, in days when ly folded in each other, and his thin wan face raised it was no figure of speech to say that debtors rotted toward them. They had seen him pine away, from in prison, with no hope of release, and no prospect day to day; and though his brief existence had been of liberty! The atrocity in its full extent no longer a joyless one, and he was now removed to that peace exists, but there is enough of it left to give rise to and rest which, child as he was, he had never known occurrences that make the heart bleed. in this world, they were his parents, and his loss " Twenty years ago, that pavement was worn with sunk deep into their souls. the footsteps of a mother and child, who, day by day, "It was plain to those who looked upon the mothso surely as the morning came, presented themselves er's altered face, that death must soon close the scene at the prison gate; often, after a night of restless of her adversity and trial. Her husband's fellowmisery and anxious thoughts, were they there, a full prisoners shrunk from obtruding on his grief and hour too soon, and then the young mother turning misery, and left to himself alone, the small room he' meekly away would lead the child to the old bridge, had previously occupied in common with two comand raising him in her arms to show him the glisten- panions. She shared it with him: and lingering on ing water, tinted with the light of the morning's without pain, but without hope, her life ebbed slowly sun, and stirring with all the bustling preparations away. for business and pleasure that the river presented "She had fainted one evening in her husband's at that early hour, endeavor to interest his thoughts arms, and he had borne her to the open window, to in the objects before him. But she would quickly revive her with the air, when the light of the moon set him down, and hiding her face in her shawl, give falling full upon her face, showed him a change upon vent to the tears that blinded her; for no expression her features, which made him stagger beneath her of interest or amusement lighted up his thin and weight, like a helpless infant. sickly face. His recollections were few enough, but "'Set me down, George,' she said faintly. He did they were all of one kind: all connected with the so, and seating himself beside her, covered his face poverty and misery of his parents. Hour after hour with his hands, and burst into tears. had he sat on his mother's knee, and with childish " It is very hard to leave you, George,' she said, sympathy watched the tears that stole down her'but it is God's will, and you must bear it for my face, and then crept quietly away into some dark sake. Oh! how I thank him for having taken our corner, and sobbed himself to sleep. The hard reali- boy! He is happy, and in heaven now. What ties of the world, with many of its worst privations would he have done here, without his mother!' -hunger and thirst, and cold and want-had all "' You shall not die, Mary, you shall not die,' said come home to him, from the first dawnings of rea- the husband, starting up. He paced hurriedly to son; and though the form of childhood was there, and fro, striking his head with his clenched fists; its light heart, its merry laugh, and sparkling eyes, then reseating himself beside her, and supporting were wanting. her in his arms, added more calmly,' Rouse yourself, " The father and mother looked on upon this, and my dear girl. Pray, pray do. You will revive yet.' upon each other, with thoughts of agony they dared "Never again, George; never again,' said the not breathe in words. The healthy, strong-made dying woman.'Let them lay me by my poor boy man, who could have borne almost any fatigue of now, but promise me, that if ever you leave this active exertion, was wasting beneath the close con- dreadful place, and should grow rich, you will have finement and unhealthy atmosphere of a crowded us removed to some quiet country church-yard, a 128 THE PICKWICK CLUB. long, long way off-very far from here -where we was sailing over a boundless expanse of sea, with a can rest in peace. Dear George, promise me you blood-red sky above, and the angry waters, lashed will.' into fury beneath, boiling and eddying up, on every "'I do, I do,' said the man, throwing himself pas- side. There was another vessel before them, toiling sionately on his knees before her.'Speak to me, and laboring in the howling storm: her canvas flutMary, another word; one look-but one!' tering in ribbons from the mast, and her deck throng"He ceased to speak; for the arm that clasped ed with figures who were lashed to the sides, over his neck grew stiff and heavy. A deep sigh escaped which huge waves every instant burst, sweeping from the wasted form before him; the lips moved, away some devoted creatures into the foaming sea. and a smile played upon the face; but the lips were Onward they bore, amidst the roaring mass of wapallid, and the smile faded into a rigid and ghastly ter, with a speed and force which nothing could restare. He was alone in the world. sist; and striking the stern of the foremost vessel, " That night, in the silence and desolation of his crushed her, beneath their keel. From the huge miserable room, the wretched man knelt down by whirlpool which the sinking wreck occasioned, arose the dead body of his wife, and called on God to wit- a shriek so loud and shrill-the death-cry of a hunness a terrible oath, that from that hour, he devoted dred drowning creatures, blended into one fierce yell himself to revenge her death and that of his child; -that it rung far above the war-cry of the elements, that thenceforth to the last moment of his life, his and echoed, and re-echoed till it seemed to pierce,whole energies should be directed to this one object; air, sky, and ocean. But what was that-that old that his revenge should be protracted and terrible; gray head that rose above the water's surface, and that his hatred should be undying and inextinguish- with looks of agony, and screams for aid, buffeted able; and should hunt its object through the world. with the waves! One look, and he had sprung from "The deepest despair, and passion scarcely human, the vessel's side, and with vigorous strokes was had made such fierce ravages on his face and form, swimming toward it. He reached it; he was close in that one night, that his companions in misfortune upon it. They were his features. The old man saw shrunk affrighted from him as he passed by. His him coming, and vainly strove to elude his grasp. eyes were bloodshot and heavy, his face a deadly But he clasped him tight, and dragged him beneath white, and his body bent as if with age. He had the water. Down, down with him, fifty fathoms bitten his under-lip nearly through in the violence down; his struggles grew fainter and fainter, until of his mental suffering, and the blood which had they wholly ceased. He was dead; he had killed flowed from the wound had trickled down his chin, him, and had kept his oath. and stained his shirt and neckerchief. No tear, or "He was traversing the scorching sands of a sound of complaint escaped him: but the unsettled mighty desert, barefoot and alone. The sand choked look, and disordered haste with which he paced up and blinded him; its fine thin grains entered the and down the yard, denoted the fever which was very pores of his skin, and irritated him almost to burning within. madness. Gigantic masses of the same material, "It was necessary that his wife's body should be carried forward by the wind, and shone through, by removed from the prison, without delay. He re- the burning sun, stalked in the distance like pillars ceived the communication with perfect calmness, of living fire. The bones of men, who had perished and acquiesced in its propriety. Nearly all the in- in the dreary waste, lay scattered at his feet; a fearmates of the prison had assembled to witness its re- ful light fell on every thing around; so far as the moval; they fell back on either side when the wid- eye could reach, nothing but objects of dread and ower appeared; he walked hurriedly forward, and horror presented themselves. Vainly striving to stationed himself, alone, in a little railed area close utter a cry of terror, with his tongue cleaving to his to the lodge-gate, from whence the crowd, with an mouth, he rushed madly forward. Armed with suinstinctive feeling of delicacy, had retired. The pernatural strength, he waded through the sand, unrude coffin was borne slowly forward on men's shoul- til exhausted with fatigue and thirst, he fell senseders. A dead silence pervaded the throng, broken less on the earth. What fragrant coolness revived only by the audible lamentations of the women, and him; what gushing sound was that? Water! It the shuffling steps of the bearers on the stone pave- was indeed a well; and the clear fresh stream was ment. They reached the spot where the bereaved running at his feet. He drank deeply, of it, and husband stood: and stopped. He laid his hand upon throwing his aching limbs upon the bank, sunk into the coffin, and mechanically adjusting the pall with a delicious trance. The sound of approaching footwhich it was covered, motioned them onward. The steps roused him. An old gray-headed man totterturnkeys in the prison lobby took off their hats as ed forward to slake his burning thirst. It was he it passed through, and in another moment the heavy again! He wound his arms round the old man's gate closed behind it. He looked vacantly upon the body, and held him back. He struggled, and shriekcrowd, and fell heavily to the ground. ed for water, for but one drop of water to save his "Although for many weeks after this, he was life! But he held the old man firmly, and watched watched, night and day, in the wildest ravings of his agonies with greedy eyes; and when his lifeless fever, neither the consciousness of his loss, nor the head fell forward on his bosom, he rolled the corpse recollection of the vow he had made, ever left him from him with his feet. for a moment. Scenes changed before his eyes, place "When the fever left him, and consciousness resucceeded place, and event followed event, in all the turned, he awoke to find himself rich and free: to hurry of delirium; but they were all connected in hear that the parent who would have let him die in some way with the great object of his mind. He jail-would! who had let those who were far dearer FEVERED VISIONS OF REVENGE. 129 to him than his own existence, die of want and sick- "'Heyling!' said the old man, wildly:'my boy, ness of heart that medicine can not cure-had been Heyling, my dear boy, look, look!' gasping for breath, found dead on his bed of down. He had had all the the miserable father pointed to the spot where the heart to leave his son a beggar, but proud even of young man was struggling for life. his health and strength, had put off the act till it "'Hark!' said the old man.'He cries once more. was too late, and now might gnash his teeth in the He is alive yet. Heyling, save him, save him!' other world, at the thought of the wealth his re- "The stranger smiled again, and remained immovmissness had left him. He awoke to this, and he able as a statue. awoke to more. To recollect the purpose for which "'I have wronged you,' shrieked the old man, fallhe lived, and to remember that his enemy was his ing on his knees, and clasping his hands together. wife's own father-the man who had cast him into'Be revenged; take my all, my life; cast me into prison, and who, when his daughter and her child the water at your feet, and, if human nature can resued at his feet for mercy, had spurned them from press a struggle, I will die, without stirring hand or his door. Oh, how he cursed the weakness that pre- foot. Do it, Heyling, do it, but save my boy, he is so vented him from being up, and active, in his scheme young, Heyling, so young to die!' of vengeance! "'Listen,' said the stranger, grasping the old man "He caused himself to be carried from the scene fiercely by the wrist:'I will have life for life, and of his loss and misery, and conveyed to a quiet resi- here is ONE. My child died, before his father's eyes, dence on the sea-coast; not in the hope of recover- a far more agonizing and painful death than that ing his peace of mind or happiness, for both were young slanderer of his sister's worth is meeting fled forever; but to restore his prostrate energies, while I speak. You laughed-laughed in your and meditate on his darling object. And here, some daughter's face, where death had already set his evil spirit cast in his way the opportunity for his hand-at our sufferings, then. What think you of first, most horrible revenge. them now? See there, see there!' " It was summer-time; and wrapped in his gloomy "As the stranger spoke, he pointed to the sea. A thoughts, he would issue from his solitary lodgings faint cry died away upon its surface: the last powearly in the evening, and wandering along a narrow erful struggle of the dying man agitated the rippath beneath the cliffs, to a wild and lonely spot pling waves for a few seconds; and the spot where that had struck his fancy in his ramblings, seat him- he had gone down into his early grave, was undisself on some fallen fragment of the rock, and, bury- tinguishable from the surrounding water. ing his face in his hands, remain there for hours- * * * * sometimes until night had completely closed in, and "Three years had elapsed, when a gentleman the long shadows of the frowning cliffs above his alighted from a private carriage at the door of a head cast a thick black darkness on every object London attorney, then well known as a man of no near him. great nicety in his professional dealings, and re"He was seated here, one calm evening, in his old quested a private interview on business of imporposition, now and then raising his head to watch the tance. Although evidently not past the prime of flight of a sea-gull, or carry his eye along the glori- life, his face was pale, haggard, and dejected; and ous crimson path, which, commencing in the middle it did not require the acute perception of the man of the ocean, seemed to lead to its very verge where of business, to discern at a glance, that disease or the sun was setting, when the profound stillness of suffering had done more to work a change in his the spot was broken by a loud cry for help; he list- appearance, than the mere hand of time could have ened, doubtful of his having heard aright, when the accomplished in twice the period of his whole life. cry was repeated with even greater vehemence than "' I wish you to undertake some legal business for before, and starting to his feet, he hastened in the me,' said the stranger. direction whence it proceeded. "The attorney bowed obsequiously, and glanced " The tale told itself at once: some scattered gar- at a large packet which the gentleman carried in ments lay on the beach; a human head was just his hand. His visitor observed the look, and provisible above the waves at a little distance from the ceeded. shore; and an old man, wringing his hands in ago- "' It is no common business,' said he;'nor have ny, was running to and fro, shrieking for assistance. these papers reached my hands without long trouThe invalid, whose strength was now sufficiently re- ble and great expense.' stored, threw off his coat, and rushed toward the sea, "The attorney cast a still more anxious look at with the intention of plunging in and dragging the the packet: and his visitor, untying the string that drowning man ashore. bound it, disclosed a quantity of promissory notes, "' Hasten here, sir, in God's name; help, help, sir, with copies of deeds, and other documents. for the love of Heaven. He is my son, sir, my only "' Upon these papers,' said the client,'the man son!' said the old man, frantically, as he advanced to whose name they bear, has raised, as you will see, meet him.' My only son, sir, and he is dying before large sums of money, for some years past. There his father's eyes!' was a tacit understanding between him and the men "At the first word the old man uttered, the stran- into whose hands they originally went-and from ger checked himself in his career, and, folding his whom I have by degrees purchased the whole, for arms, stood perfectly motionless. treble and quadruple their nominal value-that these "' Great God!' exclaimed the old man, recoiling. loans should be from time to time renewed, until a Heyling!' given period had elapsed. Such an understanding is "The stranger smiled, and was silent. nowhere expressed. He has sustained many losses 9 130 THE PICKWICK CLUB. of late; and these obligations accumulating upon Half a year had passed over, and he was still undishim at once, would crush him to the earth.' covered. "L' The whole amount is many thousands of pounds,' "At length, late one night, Heyling, of whom nothsaid the attorney, looking over the papers. ing had been seen for many weeks before, appeared "' It is,' said the client. at his attorney's private residence, and sent up word "' What are we to do?' inquired the matf of busi- that a gentleman wished to see him instantly. Beness. fore the attorney, who had recognized his voice from "' Do!' replied the client, with sudden vehemence. above stairs, could order the servant to admit him,'Put every engine of the law in force, every trick he had rushed up the staircase, and entered the drawthat ingenuity can devise and rascality execute; ing-room pale and breathless. Having closed the fair means and foul; the open oppression of the law; door, to prevent being overheard, he sunk into a aided by all the craft of its most ingenious practition- chair, and said, in a low voice: ers. I would have him die a harassing and linger- "'Hush! I have found him at last.' ing death. Ruin him, seize and sell his lands and "'No!' said the attorney.'Well done, my dear goods, drive him from house and home, and drag him sir; well done.' forth a beggar in his old age, to die in a common "' He lies concealed in a wretched lodging in Camjail.' den Town,' said Heyling.'Perhaps it is as well, we " But the costs, my dear sir, the costs of all this,' did lose sight of him, for he has been living alone reasoned the attorney, when he had recovered from there, in the most abject misery, all the time, and he his momentary surprise.' If the defendant be a man is poor-very poor.' of straw, who is to pay the costs, sir?'' Very good,' said the attorney.'You will have "'Name any sum,' said the stranger, his hand the caption made to-morrow, of course? trembling so violently with excitement, that he could " Yes,' replied Heylifg.'Stay! No! The next scarcely hold the pen he seized as he spoke;'any day. You are surprised at my wishing to postpone sum, and it is yours. Don't be afraid to name it, it,' he added, with a ghastly smile;'but I had forman. I shall not think it dear, if you gain my ob- gotten. The next day is an anniversary in his life: ject.' let it be done then.' " The attorney named a large sum, at hazard, as "' Very good,' said the attorney.' Will you write the advance he should require to secure himself down instructions for the officer' against the possibility of loss; but more with the "' No; let him meet me here, at eight in the evenview of ascertaining how far his client was really ing, and I will accompany him, myself.' disposed to go, than with any idea that he would "They met on the appointed night, and, hiring a comply with the demand. The stranger wrote a hackney-coach, directed the driver to stop at that check upon his banker for the whole amount, and corner of the old Pancras Road at which stands the left him. parish work-house. By the time they alighted there, " The draft was duly honored, and the attorney, it was quite dark; and, proceeding by the dead wall finding that his strange client might be safely relied in front of the Veterinary Hospital, they entered a upon, commenced his work in earnest. For more small by-street, which is, or was at that time, called than two years afterward, Mr. Heyling would sit Little College Street, and which, whatever it may be whole days together, in the office, poring over the now, was in those days a desolate place enough, surpapers as they accumulated, and reading again and rounded by little else than fields and ditches. again, his eyes gleaming with joy, the letters of re-lt Having drawn the traveling-cap he had on half monstrance, the prayers for a little delay, the repre- over his face, and muffled himself in his cloak, Heysentations of the certain ruin in which the opposite ling stopped before the meanest-looking house in the party must be involved, which poured in, as suit af- street, and knocked gently at the door. It was at ter suit, and process after process, was commenced. once opened by a woman, who dropped a courtesy of To all applications for a brief indulgence, there was recognition, and Heyling, whispering the officer to but one reply - the money must be paid. Land, remain below, crept gently up stairs, and, opening house, furniture, each in its turn, was taken under the door of the front room, entered at once. some one of the numerous executions which were is- "The object of his search and his unrelenting anisued; and the old man himself would have been im- mosity, now a decrepit old man, was seated at a bare mured in prison had he not escaped the vigilance of deal table, on which stood a miserable candle. He the officers, and fled. started on the entrance of the stranger, and rose " The implacable animosity of Heyling, so far from feebly to his feet. being satiated by the success of his persecution, in- "'What now, what now' said the old man. creased a hundred-fold with the ruin he inflicted.'What fresh misery is this? What do you want On being informed of the old man's flight, his fury here?' was unbounded. He gnashed his teeth with rage, "'Awordwith you,' replied Heyling. Ashespoke, tore the hair from his head, and assailed with horrid he seated himself at the other end of the table, and, imprecations the men who had been intrusted with throwing off his cloak and cap, disclosed his features. the writ. He was only restored to comparative calm- "The old man seemed instantly deprived of the ness by repeated assurances of the certainty of dis- power of speech. He fell backward in his chair, and, covering the fugitive. Agents were sent in quest of clasping his hands together, gazed on the apparition him, in all directions; every stratagem that could with a mingled look of abhorrence and fear. be invented was resorted to, for the purpose of dis- "' This day six years,' said Heyling,' I claimed the covering his place of retreat; but it was all in vain. life you owed me for my child's. Beside the lifeless A FRESH DEPARTURE. 131 form of your daughter, "cM man, I swore to live. a life ler, with impressive gravity. "She's been gettin' of revenge. I have never i werved from my purpose rayther in the Methodistical order lately, Sammy; for a moment's space; but P. I had, one thought of and she is uncommon pious, to be sure. She's too her uncomplaining, suffering look, as she drooped good a creetur for me, Sammy. I feel I don't deserve away, or of the starving face of our innocent child, her." would have nerved me to my task. My first act of "Ah," said Mr. Samuel, " that's wery self-denyin' requital you well remember: this is my last.' o' you." "The old man shivered, and his hands dropped "Wery," replied his parent, with a sigh. "She's powerless by his side. got hold o' some inwention for grown-up people being "'I leave England to-morrow,' said Heyling, after born again, Sammy; the new birth, I thinks they a moment's pause.'To-night I consign you to the calls it. I should wery much like to see that system living death to which you devoted her-a hopeless in haction, Sammy. I should wery much like to see prison-' your mother-in-law born again. Wouldn't I put her " He raised his eyes to the old man's countenance, out to nurse!" and paused. He lifted the light to his face, set it "What do you think them women does t'other gently down, and left the apartment. day," continued Mr. Weller, after a short pause, "' You had better see to the old man,' he said to during which he had significantly struck the side of the woman, as he opened the door, and motioned the his nose with his forefinger some half-dozen times. officer to follow him into the street.'I think he is "What do you think they does, t'other day, Samill.' The woman closed the door, ran hastily up my?" stairs, and found him lifeless. "Don't know," replied Sam; "what?" * * * * * * "Goes and gets up a grand tea-drinkin' for a feller " Beneath a plain grave-stone, in one of the most they calls their shepherd," said Mr. Weller. " I was peaceful and secluded church-yards in Kent, where a-standing starin' in at the pictur-shop down at our wild flowers mingle with the grass, and the soft land- place, when I sees a little bill about it;' tickets half scape around forms the fairest spot in the garden of a crown. All applications to be made to the commitEngland, lie the bones of the young mother and her tee. Secretary, Mrs. Weller;' and when I got home gentle child. But the ashes of the father do not there was the committee a-sittin' in our back parlor. mingle with theirs; nor, from that night forward, Fourteen women; I wish you could ha' heard'em, did the attorney ever gain the remotest clue to the Sammy. There they was, a-passin' resolutions, and subsequent history of his queer client." wotin' supplies, and all sorts o' games. Well, what with your mother-in-law a-worrying me to go, and As the old man concluded his tale, he advanced to what with my looking for'ard to seein' some queer a peg in one corner, and taking down his hat and starts if I did, I put my name down for a ticket; at coat, put them on with great deliberation; and, with- six o'clock on the Friday evenin' I dresses myself out out saying another word, walked slowly away. As wery smart, and off I goes with the old'ooman, and the gentleman with the Mosaic studs had fallen up we walks into a fust-floor where there was teaasleep, and the major part of the company were deep- things for thirty, and a whole lot o' women as begins ly occupied in the humorous process of dropping melt- whisperin' to one another, and lookin' at me, as if ed tallow-grease into his brandy-and-water, Mr. they'd never seen a rayther stout gen'l'm'n of eightPickwick departed unnoticed, and having settled his and-fifty afore. By-and-by, there comes a great own score and that of Mr. Weller, issued forth, in bustle down stairs, and a lanky chap with a red nose company with that gentleman, from beneath the and a white neckcloth rushes up, and sings out, portal of the Magpie and Stump.'Here's the shepherd a-coming to wisit his faithful flock;' and in comes a fat chap in black, vith a great + -— *~ —-white face, a-smilin' avay like clock-work. Such goin's-on, Sammy!' The kiss of peace,' says the shepCHAPTER XXII. herd; and then he kissed the women all round, and ven he'd done, the man vith the red nose began. I MR. PICKWICK JOURNEYS TO IPSWICH, AND MEETS MR.WITH A ROMANTIC AVENTURE WICH, AD MLEETS was just a-thinkin' whether I hadn't better begin AGEDWITH A ROMANTIC AD URL-PAPE WH A M LE- too-'specially as there was a wery nice lady a-sittin' next me-yen in comes the tea, and your mother-inTHAT'ere your governor's luggage, Sammy?" in- law, as had been makin' the kettle bile down stairs. quired Mr. Weller of his affectionate son, as he At it they went, tooth and nail. Such a precious entered the yard of the Bull inn, Whitechapel, with loud hymn, Sammy, while the tea was a-brewing; a traveling-bag and a small portmanteau. such a grace, such eatin' and drinkin'! I wish you "You might ha' made a worser guess than that, could ha' seen the shepherd walkin' into the ham and old feller," replied Mr. Weller the younger, setting muffins. I never see such a chap to eat and drink; down his burden in the yard, and sitting himself never. The red-nosed man warn't by no means the down upon it afterward. " The Governor hisself'11 sort of person you'd like to grub by contract, but he be down here presently." was nothin' to the shepherd. Well; arter the tea " He's a-cabbin' it, I suppose?" said the father. was over, they sang another hymn, and then the " Yes, he's a-havin' two mile o' danger at eight- shepherd began to preach: and wery well he did it, pence," responded the son. " How's mother-in-law considerin' how heavy them muffins must have lied this mornin' 7" on his chest. Presently he pulls up, all of a sudden, "Queer, Sammy, queer," replied the elder Mr. Wel- and hollers out'Where is the sinner; where is the 132 THE PICKWICK CLUB. mis'rable sinner' Upon which all the women look- "Bless my soul, how rem arkable-I am going outed at me, and began to groan as if they was a-dying. side, too," said the red-hai,d man: " we are positiveI thought it was rather sing'ler, but hows'ever, I says ly going together.".'Ad the red-haired man, who nothin. Presently he pulls up again, and lookin' was an important-looking, sharp-nosed, mysteriouswery hard at me, says,'Where is the sinner; where spoken personage, with a bird-like habit of giving is the mis'rable sinner' and all the women groans his head a jerk every time he said any thing, smiled again, ten times louder than afore. I got rather as if he had made one of the strangest discoveries wild at this, so I takes a step or two for'ard and says, that ever fell to the lot of human wisdom.'My friend,' says I,'did you apply that'ere obserwa- "I am happy in the prospect of your company, tion to me''Stead of begging my pardon as any sir," said Mr. Pickwick. gen'l'm'n would ha' done, he got more abusive than "Ah," said the new-comer, "it's a good thing for ever: called me a wessel, Sammy-a wessel of wrath both of us, isn't it? Company, you see-company is -and all sorts o' names. So my blood being reg- -is-it's a very different thing from solitude-ain't'larly up, I first give him two or three for himself, and it?" then two or three more to hand over to the man "There's no denying that'ere," said Mr. Weller, with the red nose, and walked off. I wish you could joining in the conversation, with an affable smile. _~,.112 " SHE'S BEEN GETTIN' RAYTHER IN THE METHODISTICAL ORDER LATELY, SAMMY." ha' heard how the women screamed, Sammy, ven " That's what I call a self-evident proposition, as the they picked up the shepherd from under the table- dog's-meat man said, when the house-maid told him Halloo! here's the governor, the size of life." he warn't a gentleman." As Mr. Weller spoke, Mr. Pickwick dismounted " Ah," said the red - haired man, surveying Mr. from a cab, and entered the yard. Weller from head to foot with a supercilious look. "Fine mornin', sir," said Mr. Weller senior. "Friend of yours, sir?" "Beautiful indeed," replied Mr. Pickwick. "Not exactly a friend," replied Mr. Pickwick in a "Beautiful indeed," echoed a red-haired man with low tone. " The fact is, he is my servant, but I alan inquisitive nose and blue spectacles, who had un- low him to take a good many liberties; for, between packed himself from a cab at the same moment as ourselves, I flatter myself he is an original, and I am Mr. Pickwick. " Going to Ipswich, sir?" rather proud of him." "I am," replied Mr. Pickwick. "Ah," said the red-haired man, "that, you see, is a " Extraordinary coincidence. So am I." matter of taste. I am not fond of any thing origiMr. Pickwick bowed. nal; I don't like it; don't see the necessity for it. " Going outside?" said the red-haired man. What's your name, sir?" Mr. Pickwick bowed again. " Here is my card, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick, much A NEW PASSENGER. 133 amused by the abruptness of the question, and the you. You was a lighter weight when you was a singular manner of the stranger. boy, sir." "Ah," said the red-haired man, placing the card "True enough, that, Mr. Weller," said the breathin his pocket-book, " Pickwick; very good. I like less Mr. Pickwick, good - humoredly, as he took his to know a man's name, it saves so much trouble. seat on the box beside him. That's my card, sir; Magnus, you will perceive, sir- "Jump up in front, Sammy," said Mr. Weller. Magnus is my name. It's rather a good name, I "Now, Villam, run'em out. Take care o' the archthink, sir?" vay, gen'l'm'n.' Heads,' as the pieman says. That'll "A very good name, indeed," said Mr. Pickwick, do, Villam. Let'em alone." And away went the wholly unable to repress a smile. coach up Whitechapel, to the admiration of the "Yes, I think it is," resumed Mr. Magnus. "There's whole population of that pretty-densely populated a good name before it, too, you will observe. Permit quarter. me, sir-if you hold the card a little slanting, this "Not a wery nice neighborhood this, sir," said way, you catch the light upon the up-stroke. There Sam, with a touch of the hat, which always preceded -Peter Magnus-sounds well, I think, sir." his entering into conversation with his master. " Very," said Mr. Pickwick. " It is not, indeed, Sam," replied Mr. Pickwick, sur" Curious circumstance about those initials, sir," veying the crowded and filthy street through which said Mr. Magnus. "You will observe-P. M.-post- they were passing. meridian. In hasty notes to intimate acquaintance, " It's a wery remarkable circumstance, sir," said I sometimes sign myself'Afternoon.' It amuses my Sam, " that poverty and oysters always seems to go friends very much, Mr. Pickwick." together." " It is calculated to afford them the highest grati- " I don't understand you, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. fication, I should conceive," said Mr. Pickwick, rath- " What I mean, sir," said Sam," is, that the poorer er envying the ease with which Mr. Magnus's friends a place is, the greater call there seems to be for oyswere entertained. ters. Look here, sir; here's a oyster-stall to every "Now, gen'l'm'n," said the hostler," coach is ready, half-dozen houses. The street's lined vith'em. if you please." Blessed if I don't think that ven a man's wery poor, " Is all my luggage in?' inquired Mr. Magnus. he rushes out of his lodgings, and eats oysters in " All right, sir." reg'lar desperation." " Is the red bag in?" "To be sure he does." said Mr. Weller senior; "All right, sir." "and it's just the same vith pickled salmon!" "And the striped bag?" "Those are two very remarkable facts, which nev"Fore boot, sir." er occurred to me before," said Mr. Pickwick. " The "And the brown-paper parcel?" very first place we stop at, I'll make a note of them." "Under the seat, sir." By this time they had reached the turnpike at "And the leather hat-box?" Mile End; a profound silence prevailed until they "They're all in, sir." had got two or three miles farther on, when Mr. "Now, will you get up?" said Mr. Pickwick. Weller senior, turning suddenly to Mr. Pickwick, "Excuse me," replied Magnus, standing on the said: wheel. "Excuse me, Mr. Pickwick. I can not con- " Wery queer life is a pike-keeper's, sir." sent to get up, in this state of uncertainty. I am "A what I" said Mr. Pickwick. quite satisfied from that man's manner, that that "A pike-keeper." leather hat-box is not in." "What do you mean by a pike-keeper?" inquired The solemn protestations of the hostler being whol- Mr. Peter Magnus. ly unavailing, the leather hat-box was obliged to be " The old'un means a turnpike-keeper, genl'm'n," raked up from the lowest depth of the boot, to satis- observed Mr. Samuel Weller, in explanation. fy him that it had been safely packed; and after he " Oh," said Mr. Pickwick, "I see. Yes; very curihad been assured on this head, he felt a solemn pre- ous life. Very uncomfortable." sentiment, first, that the red bag was mislaid, and " They're all on'em men as has met vith some disnext that the striped bag had been stolen, and then appointment in life," said Mr. Weller senior. that the brown - paper parcel "had come untied." "Ay, ay?" said Mr. Pickwick. At length, when he had received ocular demonstra- "Yes. Consequence of vich, they retires from the tion of the groundless nature of each and every of world, and shuts themselves up in pikes; partly vith these suspicions, he consented to climb up to the the view of being solitary, and partly to rewenge roof of the coach, observing that now he had taken themselves on mankind, by takin' tolls." every thing off his mind, he felt quite comfortable " Dear me," said Mr. Pickwick, " I never knew that and happy. before." "You're given to nervousness, an't you, sir?" in- "Fact, sir," said Mr. Weller; "if they was gen'l'm'n quired Mr. Weller senior, eying the stranger askance, you'd call'em misanthropes, but as it is, they only as he mounted to his place. takes to pike-keepin'." " Yes; I always am rather, about these little mat- With such conversation, possessing the inestimaters," said the stranger, " but I am all right now- ble charm of blending amusement with instruction, quite right." did Mr. Weller beguile the tediousness of the jonr" Well, that's a blessin'," said Mr. Weller. " Sam- ney, during the greater part of the day. Topics of my, help your master up to the box: t'other leg, conversation were never wanting, for even when sir, that's it; give us your hand, sir. Up with any pause occurred in Mr. Weller's loquacity, it was 134 THE PICKWICK CL UB. abundantly supplied by the desire evinced by Mr. ing influence of the place. After the lapse of an Magnus to make himself acquainted with the whole hour, a bit of fish and a steak were served up to the of the personal history of his fellow-travelers, and travelers, and when the dinner was cleared away, Mr. his loudly-expressed anxiety at every stage, respect- Pickwick and Mr. Peter Magnus drew their chairs ing the safety and well-being of the two bags, the up to the fire, and having ordered a bottle of the leather hat-box, and the brown-paper parcel. worst possible port-wine, at the highest possible In the main street of Ipswich, on the left-hand price, for the good of the house, drank brandy-andside of the way, a short distance after you have water for their own. passed through the open space fronting the Town Mr. Peter Magnus was naturally of a very comHall, stands an inn known far and wide by the ap- municative disposition, and the brandy-and-water pellation of The Great White Horse, rendered the operated with wonderful effect in warming into life more conspicuous by a stone statue of some rampa- the deepest hidden secrets of his bosom. After suncious animal with flowing mane and tail, distantly dry accounts of himself, his family, his connections, resembling an insane cart-horse, which is elevated his friends, his jokes, his business, and his brothers above the principal door. The Great White Horse (most talkative men have a great deal to say about is famous in the neighborhood, in the same degree their brothers), Mr. Peter Magnus took a blue view as a prize ox, or county paper-chronicled turnip, or of Mr. Pickwick through his colored spectacles for unwieldy pig-for its enormous size. Never were several minutes, and then said, with an air of modsuch labyrinths of uncarpeted passages, such clus- esty: ters of moldy, ill-lighted rooms, such huge numbers "And what do you think-what do you think, Mr. of small dens for eating or sleeping in, beneath any Pickwick-I have come down here for?" one roof, as are collected together between the four " Upon my word," said Mr. Pickwick, " it is wholwalls of the Great White Horse at Ipswich. ly impossible for me to guess; on business, perhaps." It was at the door of this overgrown tavern that "Partly right, sir," replied Mr. Peter Magnus; the London coach stopped, at the same hour every "but partly wrong, at the same time; try again, evening; and it was from this same London coach, Mr. Pickwick." that Mr. Pickwick, Sam Weller, and Mr. Peter Mag- "Really," said Mr. Pickwick, "I must throw mynus dismounted, on the particular evening to which self on your mercy, to tell me or not, as you may this chapter of our history bears reference. think best; for I should never guess, if I were to try " Do you stop here, sir?" inquired Mr. Peter Mag- all night." nus, when the striped bag, and the red bag, and the " Why, then, he-he-he!" said Mr. Peter Magnus, brown-paper parcel, and the leather hat-box, had all with a bashful titter, " what should you think, Mr. been deposited in the passage. " Do you stop here, Pickwick, if I had come down here to make a prosir j" posal, sir, eh? He-he-he!" "I do," said Mr. Pickwick. "Think! That you are very likely to succeed," " Dear me," said Mr. Magnus, "I never knew any replied Mr. Pickwick, with one of his beaming smiles. thing like these extraordinary coincidences. Why, "Ah!" said Mr. Magnus. "But do you really think I stop here too. I hope we dine together " so, Mr. Pickwick? Do you, though?" "With pleasure," replied Mr. Pickwick. "I am " Certainly," said Mr. Pickwick. not quite certain whether I have any friends here "No; but you're joking, though." or not, though. Is there any gentleman of the name "I am not, indeed." of Tupman here, waiter?" "Why, then," said Mr. Magnus, " to let you into a A corpulent man, with a fortnight's napkin under little secret, I think so too. I don't mind telling his arm, and coeval stockings on his legs, slowly you, Mr. Pickwick, although I'm dreadful jealous by desisted from his occupation of staring down the nature-horrid-that the lady is in this house." street, on this question being put to him by Mr. Here Mr. Magnus took off his spectacles, on purpose Pickwick; and, after minutely inspecting that gen- to wink, and then put them on again. tieman's appearance, from the crown of his hat to "That's what you were running out of the room the lowest button of his gaiters, replied emphatic- for, before dinner, then, so often," said Mr. Pickwick, ally: archly. "No." "Hush! Yes, you're right, giat was it; not such "Nor any gentleman of the name of Snodgrass?"a fool as to see her, though." inquired Mr. Pickwick. "No!" "No!" "No; wouldn't do, you know, after having just "Nor Winkle?" come off a journey. Wait till to-morrow, sir; double "No." the chance then. Mr. Pickwick, sir, there is a suit "My friends have not arrived to-day, sir," said Mr. of clothes in that bag, and a hat in that box, which Pickwick. "We will dine alone, then. Show us a I expect, in the effect they will produce, will be inprivate room, waiter." valuable to me, sir." On this request being preferred, the corpulent man "Indeed!" said Mr. Pickwick. condescended to order the boots to bring in the gen- "Yes; you must have observed my anxiety about tlemen's luggage; and preceding them down a long them to-day. I do not believe that such another dark passage, ushered them into a large badly-fur- suit of clothes, and such a hat, could be bought for nished apartment, with a dirty grate, in which a money, Mr. Pickwick." small fire was making a wretched attempt to be Mr. Pickwick congratulated the fortunate owner cheerful, but was fast sinking beneath the dispirit- of the irresistible garments, on their acquisition; RETIRING TO REST. 135 and Mr. Peter Magnus remained for a few moments Mr. Pickwick sat himself down in a chair before apparently absorbed in contemplation. the fire, and fell into a train of rambling meditations. "She's a fine creature," said Mr. Magnus. First he thought of his friends, and wondered when "Is she?" said Mr. Pickwick. they would join him; then his mind reverted to Mrs. " Very," said Mr. Magnus, "very. She lives about Martha Bardell; and from that lady it wandered, by twenty miles from here, Mr. Pickwick. I heard she a natural process, to the dingy counting-house of would be here to-night and all to-morrow forenoon, Dodson and Fogg. From Dodson and Fogg's it flew and came down to seize the opportunity. I think off at a tangent, to the very centre of the history of an inn is a good sort of a place to propose to a single the queer client; and then it came back to the Great woman in, Mr. Pickwick. She is more likely to feel White Horse at Ipswich, with sufficient clearness to the loneliness of her situation in traveling, perhaps, convince Mr. Pickwick that he was falling asleep. than she would be at home. What do you think, So he roused himself, and began to undress, when he Mr. Pickwick " recollected he had left his watch on the table down "I think it very probable," replied that gentle- stairs. man. Now this watch was a special favorite with Mr. " I beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick," said Mr. Peter Pickwick, having been carried about, beneath the Magnus, "but I am naturally rather curious; what shadow of his waistcoat, for a greater number of may you have come down here for " years than we feel called upon to state at present. " On a far less pleasant errand, sir," replied Mr. The possibility of going to sleep, unless it were tickPickwick, the color mounting to his face at the rec- ing gently beneath his pillow, or in the watch-pockollection. "I have come down here, sir, to expose et over his head, had never entered Mr. Pickwick's the treachery and falsehood of an individual, upon brain. So as it was pretty late now, and he was unwhose truth and honor I placed implicit reliance." willing to ring his bell at that hour of the night, he "Dear me," said Mr. Peter Magnus, "that's very slipped on his coat, of which he had just divested unpleasant. It is a lady, I presume? Eh? ah! himself, and taking the japanned candlestick in his Sly, Mr. Pickwick, sly. Well, Mr. Pickwick, sir, I hand, walked quietly down stairs. wouldn't probe your feelings for the world. Painful The more stairs Mr. Pickwick went down, the subjects, these, sir, very painful. Don't mind me, more stairs there seemed to be to descend, and again Mr. Pickwick, if you wish to give vent to your feel- and again, when Mr. Pickwick got into some narrow ings. I know what it is to be jilted, sir; I have en- passage, and began to congratulate himself on having dured that sort of thing three or four times." gained the ground-floor, did another flight of stairs " I am much obliged to you, for your condolence appear before his astonished eyes. At last he reachon what you presume to be my melancholy case," ed a stone hall, which he remembered to have seen said Mr. Pickwick, winding up his watch, and laying when he entered the house. Passage after passage it on the table, " but-" did he explore; room after room did he peep into; "No, no," said Mr. Peter Magnus, "not a word at length, as he was on the point of giving up the more: it's a painful subject. I see, I see. What's search in despair, he opened the door of the identical the time, Mr. Pickwick?" room in which he had spent the evening, and beheld " Past twelve." his missing property on the table. "Dear me, it's time to go to bed. It will never Mr. Pickwick seized the watch in triumph, and do, sitting here. I shall be pale to-morrow, Mr. Pick- proceeded to retrace his steps to his bed-chamber. wick." If his progress downward had been attended with At the bare notion of such a calamity, Mr. Peter difficulties and uncertainty, his journey back was inMagnus rang the bell for the chamber-maid; and finitely more perplexing. Rows of doors, garnished the striped bag, the red bag, the leathern hat-box, with boots of every shape, make, and size, branched and the brown-paper parcel, having been conveyed off in every possible direction. A dozen times did he to his bedroom, he retired in company with a japan- softly turn the handle of some bed-room door which ned candlestick, to one side of the house, while Mr. resembled his own, when a gruff cry from within of Pickwick, and another japanned candlestick, were "Who the devil's that?" or "What do you want conducted through a multitude of tortuous windings, here?" caused him to steal away, on tiptoe, with a to another. perfectly marvelous celerity. He was reduced to "This is your room, sir," said the chamber-maid. the verge of despair, when an open door attracted "Very well," replied Mr. Pickwick, looking round his attention. He peeped in. Right at last! There him. It was a tolerably large double-bedded room, were the two beds, whose situation he perfectly rewith a fire; upon the whole, a more comfortable- membered, and the fire still burning. His candle, looking apartment than Mr. Pickwick's short expe- not a long one when he first received it, had flickered rience of the accommodations of the Great White away in the draughts of air through which he had Horse had led him to expect. passed, and sank into the socket as he closed the door "Nobody sleeps in the other bed, of course," said after him. " No matter," said Mr. Pickwick, " I can Mr. Pickwick. undress myself just as well by the light of the fire." " Oh, no, sir." The bedsteads stood one on each side of the door; "Very good. Tell my servant to bring me up and on the inner side of each was a little path, tersome hot water at half-past eight in the morning, minating in a rush-bottomed chair, just wide enough and that I shall not want him any more to-night." to admit of a person's getting into, or out of bed, on Yes, sir." And bidding Mr. Pickwick good-night, that side, if he or she thought proper. Having carethe chamber-maid retired, and left him alone. fully drawn the curtains of his bed on the outside, 136 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Mr. Pickwick sat down on the rush-bottomed chair, It was quite impossible to resist the urgent desire and leisurely divested himself of his shoes and gai- to see what was going forward. So out went Mr. ters. He then took off and folded up his coat, waist- Pickwick's head again. The prospect was worse coat, and neckcloth, and slowly drawing on his tas- than before. The middle-aged lady had finished arseled night-cap, secured it firmly on his head, by ty- ranging her hair; had carefully enveloped it in a ing beneath his chin the strings which he always muslin nightscap with a small plaited border; and had attached to that article of dress. It was at this was gazing pensively on the fire. moment that the absurdity of his recent bewilder- "This matter is growing alarming," reasoned Mr. ment struck upon his mind. Throwing himself back Pickwick with himself. " I can't allow things to go in the rush-bottomed chair, Mr. Pickwick laughed to on in this way. By the self-possession of that lady himself so heartily, that it would have been quite it is clear to me that I must have come into the wrong delightful to any man of well-constituted mind to room. If I call out, she'll alarm the house; but if I have watched the smiles that expanded his amiable remain here, the consequences will be still more features as they shone forth from beneath the night- frightful." cap. Mr. Pickwick, it is quite unnecessary to say, was "It is the best idea," said Mr. Pickwick to him- one of the most modest and delicate-minded of morself, smiling till he almost cracked the night-cap tals. The very idea of exhibiting his night-cap to a strings: "it is the best idea, my losing myself in lady overpowered him, but he had tied those conthis place, and wandering about those staircases, founded strings in a knot, and, do what he would, that I ever heard of. Droll, droll, very droll." Here he couldn't get it off. The disclosure must be made. Mr. Pickwick smiled again, a broader smile than be- There was only one other way of doing it. He fore, and was about to continue the process of un- shrunk behind the curtains, and called out very dressing, in the best possible humor, when he was loudly: suddenly stopped by a most unexpected interrup- "Ha-hum!" tion; to wit, the entrance into the room of some per- That the lady started at this unexpected sound son with a candle, who, after locking the door, ad- was evident, by her falling up against the rush-light vanced to the dressing-table, and set down the light shade: that she persuaded herself it must have been upon it. the effect of imagination was equally clear, for when The smile that played on Mr. Pickwick's features Mr. Pickwick, under the impression that she had was instantaneously lost in a look of the most un- fainted away stone-dead from fright, ventured to bounded and wonder-stricken surprise. The person, peep out again, she was gazing pensively on the fire whoever it was, had come in so suddenly and with as before. so little noise, that Mr. Pickwick had had no time to "Most extraordinary female this," thought Mr. call out, or oppose their entrance. Who could it be? Pickwick, popping in again. "Ha-hum!" A robber? Some evil-minded person who had seen These last sounds, so like those in which, as lehim come up stairs with a handsome watch in his gends inform us, the ferocious giant Blunderbore was hand, perhaps. What was he to do! in the habit of expressing his opinion that it was The only way in which Mr. Pickwick could catch time to lay the cloth, were too distinctly audible to a glimpse of his mysterious visitor with the least be again mistaken for the workings of fancy. danger of being seen himself, was by creeping on to "Gracious Heaven!" said the middle-aged lady, the bed, and peeping out from between the curtains "what's that?" on the opposite side. To this manoeuvre he accord- "It's —it's-only a gentleman, ma'am," said Mr. ingly resorted. Keeping the curtains carefullyclosed Pickwick from behind the curtains. with his hand, so that nothing more of him could be "A gentleman!" said the lady with a terrific seen than his face and night-cap, and putting on his scream. spectacles, he mustered up courage, and looked out. " It's all over!" thought Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Pickwick almost fainted with horror and dis- "A strange man!" shrieked the lady. Another inmay. Standing before the dressing-glass was a mid- stant, and the house would be alarmed. Her gardle-aged lady, in yellow curl-papers, busily engaged ments rustled as she rushed toward the door. in brushing what ladies call their "back-hair." "Ma'am," said Mr. Pickwick, thrusting out his However the unconscious middle-aged lady came head, in the extremity of his desperation, "Ma'am!" into that room, it was quite clear that she contem- Now, although Mr. Pickwick was not actuated by plated remaining there for the night; for she had any definite object in putting out his head, it was inbrought a rush-light and shade with her, which, stantaneously productive of a good effect. The lady, with praiseworthy precaution against fire, she had as we have already stated, was near the door. She stationed in a basin on the floor, where it was glim- must pass it, to reach the staircase, and she would mering away, like a gigantic light-house in a partic- most undoubtedly have done so by this time, had not ularly small piece of water. the sudden apparition of Mr. Pickwick's night-cap " Bless my soul," thought Mr. Pickwick, " what a driven her back into the remotest corner of the apartdreadful thing!" ment, where she stood staring wildly at Mr. Pick"Hem!" said the lady; and in went Mr. Pick- wick, while Mr. Pickwick in his turn stared wildly wick's head with automaton-like rapidity. at her. "I never met with any thing so awful as this," "Wretch," said the lady, covering her eyes with thought poor Mr. Pickwick, the cold perspiration her hands, "what do you want here?" starting in drops upon his night-cap. "Never. This "Nothing, ma'am; nothing, whatever, ma'am," is fearful." said Mr. Pickwick earnestly. MR. PICKWICK'S PREDICAMENT. 137 "Nothing!" said the lady, looking up. cumstances. Although he had hastily put on his hat "Nothing, ma'am, upon my honor," said Mr. Pick- over his night-cap, after the manner of the old patrol; wick, nodding his head so energetically that the tas- although he carried his shoes and gaiters in his hand, sel of his night-cap danced again. "I am almost and his coat and waistcoat over his arm; nothing ready to sink, ma'am, beneath the confusion of ad- could subdue his native politeness. dressing a lady in my night-cap (here the lady has- "I am exceedingly sorry, ma'am," said Mr. Picktily snatched off hers), but I can't get it off, ma'am wick, bowing very low. (here Mr. Pickwick gave it a tremendous tug, in "If you are, sir, you will at once leave the room," proof of the statement). It is evident to me, ma'am, said the lady. now, that I have mistaken this bedroom for my own. "Immediately, ma'am; this instant, ma'am," said I had not been here five minutes, ma'am, when you Mr. Pickwick, opening the door, and dropping both suddenly entered it." his shoes with a crash in so doing. "If this improbable story be really true, sir," said "I trust, ma'am," resumed Mr. Pickwick, gatherWRETCH," SAID THE LADY. the lady, sobbing violently, "you will leave it in- ing up his shoes, and turning round to bow again: stantly.""I trust, ma'am, that my unblemished character, " I will, ma'am, with the greatest pleasure," replied and the devoted respect I entertain for your sex, will Mr. Pickwick. plead as some slight excuse for this-" But before " Instantly, sir," said the lady. Mr. Pickwick could conclude the sentence the lady " Certainly, ma'am," interposed Mr. Pickwick very had thrust him into the passage, and locked and quickly. " Certainly, ma'am. I-I-am very sorry, bolted the door behind him. inmaam," said Mr. Pickwick, making his appearance Whatever grounds of self-congratulation Mr. Pickat the bottom of the bed, " to have been the innocent wick might have for having escaped so quietly from occasion of this alarm and emotion; deeply sorry, his late awkward situation, his present position was ma'am." by no means enviable. He was alone, in an open The lady pointed to the door. One excellent passage, in a strange house, in the middle of the quality of Mr. Pickwick's character was beautifully night, half dressed; it was not to be supposed that displayed at this moment, under the most trying cir- he could find his way in perfect darkness to a room 138 THE PICKWICK CLUB. which he had been wholly unable to discover with a his career, Mr. Weller's profile might have presented light, and if he made the slightest noise in his fruit- a bold and determined outline. His face, however, less attempts to do so, he stood every chance of be- had expanded under the influence of good living, and ing shot at, and perhaps killed, by some wakeful a disposition remarkable for resignation; and its bold traveler. He had no resource but to remain where fleshy curves had so far extended beyond the limits he was until daylight appeared. So, after groping originally assigned them, that unless you took a full his way a few paces down the passage, and, to his view of his countenance in front, it was difficult to infinite alarm, stumbling over several pairs of boots distinguish more than the extreme tip of a very ruin so doing, Mr. Pickwick crouched into a little recess bicund nose. His chin, from the same cause, had acin the wall, to wait for morning as philosophically as quired the grave and imposing form which is genhe might. erally described by prefixing the word "double" to He was not destined, however, to undergo this ad- that expressive feature; and his complexion exhibditional trial of patience: for he had not been long ited that peculiarly mottled combination of colors ensconced in his present concealment when, to his which is only to be seen in gentlemen of his profesunspeakable horror, a man, bearing a light, appeared sion, and in underdone roast-beef. Round his neck at the end of the passage. His horror was suddenly he wore a crimson traveling-shawl, which merged converted into joy, however, when he recognized the into his chin by such imperceptible gradations, that form of his faithful attendant. It was indeed, Mr. it was difficult to distinguish the folds of the one Samuel Weller, who after sitting up thus late, in con- from the folds of the other. Over this, he mounted versation with the Boots, who was sitting up for the a long waistcoat of a broad pink-striped pattern, and mail, was now about to retire to rest. over that again, a wide-skirted green coat, ornament" Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, suddenly appearing be- ed with large brass buttons, whereof the two which fore him," where's my bedroom?" garnished the waist, were so far apart, that no man Mr. Weller stared at his master with the most em- had ever beheld them both at the same time. His phatic surprise; and it was not until the question hair, which was short, sleek, and black, was just vishad been repeated three several times, that he turn- ible beneath the capacious brim of a low-crowned ed round, and led the way to the long-sought apart- brown hat. His legs were encased in knee-cord ment. breeches, and painted top-boots: and a copper " Sam," said Mr. Pickwick as he got into bed, "I watch-chain, terminating in one seal, and a key of have made one of the most extraordinary mistakes the same material, dangled loosely from his capato-night that ever were heard of." cious waistband. "Wery likely, sir," replied Mr. Weller, dryly. We have said that Mr. Weller was engaged in pre"But of this I am determined, Sam," said Mr. Pick- paring for his journey to London-he was taking wick; "that if I were to stop in this house for six sustenance, in fact. On the table before him, stood months, I would never trust myself about it, alone, a pot of ale, a cold round of beef, and a very respectagain." able-looking loaf, to each of which he distributed "That's the wery prudentest resolution as you his favors in turn, with the most rigid impartiality. could come to, sir," replied Mr. Weller. "You ray- He had just cut a mighty slice from the latter, when ther want somebody to look arter you, sir, wen your the footsteps of somebody entering the room caused judgment goes out a wisitin'." him to raise his head; and he beheld his son. " What do you mean by that, Sam?" said Mr. Pick- " Mornin', Sammy!" said the father. wick. He raised himself in bed, and extended his The son walked up to the pot of ale, and nodding hand, as if he were about to say something more; significantly to his parent, took a long draught by but suddenly checking himself, turned round, and way of reply. bade his valet "Good-night." " Werry good power o' suction, Sammy," said Mr. " Good-night, sir," replied Mr. Weller. He paused Weller the elder, looking into the pot, when his firstwhen he got outside the door-shook his head- born had set it down half empty. "You'd ha' made walked on-stopped-snuffed the candle-shook his an uncommon fine oyster, Sammy, if you'd been born head again- and finally proceeded slowly to his in that station o' life." chamber, apparently buried in the profoundest med- " Yes, I des-say I should ha' managed to pick up a itation. respectable livin'," replied Sam, applying himself to _ ~ — — the cold beef with considerable vigor. " I'm wery sorry, Sammy," said the elder Mr. WelCHAPTER XXllI. ler, shaking up the ale, by describing small circles with the pot, preparatory to drinking. "I'm wery IN WHICH MR. SAMEL WELLER BEGINS TO DEVOTE sorry, Sammy, to hear from your lips, as you let yourHIS ENERGIES TO THE RETURN MATCH BETWEEN self be gammoned by that'ere mulberry man. I al-'HIMSELF AND MR. TROTTER. ways thought, up to three days ago, that the names IN a small room in the vicinity of the stable-yard, of Veller and gammon could never come into conbetimes in the morning, which was ushered in by tact, Sammy, never." Mr. Pickwick's adventure with the middle-aged lady " Always exceptin' the case of a widder, of course," in the yellow curl-papers, sat Mr. Weller senior, pre- said Sam. paring himself for his journey to London. He was "Widders, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller, slightly sitting in an excellent attitude for having his por- changing color. "Widders are'ceptions to ev'ry trait taken. rule. I have heerd how many ord'nary women one It is very possible that at some earlier period of widder's equal to, in pint o' comin' over you. I think TOUCHING THE MULBERRY MAN. 139 it's five-and-twenty, but I don't rightly know vether Great White Horse when his father had left him; it an't more." and bending his steps toward St. Clement's Church, "Well; that's pretty well," said Sam. endeavored to dissipate his melancholy, by strolling "Besides," continued Mr. Weller, not noticing the among its ancient precincts. He had loitered about interruption, " that's a wery different thing. You for some time, when he found himself in a retired know what the counsel said, Sammy, as defended the spot-a kind of court-yard of venerable appearance gen'lm'n as beat his wife with the poker, venever -which he discovered had no other outlet than the he got jolly.'And arter all, my Lord,' says he,' it's turning by which he had entered. He was about rea amable weakness.' So I says respectin' widders, tracing his steps, when he was suddenly transfixed Sammy, and so you'll say, ven you gets as old as me." to the spot by a sudden appearance, and the mode "I ought to ha' know'd better, I know," said Sam. and manner of this appearance, we now proceed to " Ought to ha' know'd better!" repeated Mr. Wef- relate. ler, striking the table with his fist. " Ought to ha' Mr. Samuel Weller had been staring up at the old know'd better! why, I know a young'un as hasn't brick houses now and then, in his deep abstraction, had half nor quarter your eddication-as hasn't bestowing a wink upon some healthy-looking servslept about the markets, no, not six months-who'd ant-girl as she drew up a blind, or threw open a bedha' scorned to be let in, in such a vay; scorned it, room window, when the green gate of a garden at Sammy." In the excitement of feeling produced by the bottom of the yard opened, and a man having this agonizing reflection, Mr. Weller rang the bell, emerged therefrom, closed the green gate very careand ordered an additional pint of ale. fully after him, and walked briskly toward the very " Well, it's no use talking about it now," said Sam. spot where Mr. Weller was standing. "It's over, and can't be helped, and that's one conso- Now, taking this as an isolated fact, unaccompalation, as they always says in Turkey, ven they cuts nied by any attendant circumstances, there was noththe wrong man's head off. It's my innings now, gov- ing very extraordinary in it; because in many parts'rnor, and as soon as I catches hold o' this ere Trot- of the world, men do come out of gardens, close green ter, I'll have a good'un." gates after them, and even walk briskly away, with"I hope you will, Sammy. I hope you will," re- out attracting any particular share of public obserturned Mr. Weller. " Here's your health, Sammy, and vation. It is clear, therefore, that there must have may you speedily vipe off the disgrace as you've in- been something in the man, or in his manner, or both, flicted on the family name." In honor of this toast to attract Mr. Weller's particular notice. Whether Mr. Weller imbibed at a draught at least two-thirds there was, or not, we must leave the reader to deterof the newly-arrived pint, and handed it over to his mine, when we have faithfully recorded the behavior son, to dispose of the remainder, which he instanta- of the individual in question. neously did. When the man had shut the green gate after him, " And now, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, consulting he walked, as we have said twice already, with a the large double-cased silver watch that hung at the brisk pace up the court-yard: but he no sooner end of the copper chain. "Now it's time I was up caught sight of Mr. Weller, than he faltered and stopat the office to get my vay-bill, and see the coach ped, as if uncertain, for the moment, what course to loaded; for coaches, Sammy, is like guns-they re- adopt. As the green gate was closed behind him, quires to be loaded with wery great care, afore they and there was no other outlet but the one in front, go off." however, he was not long in perceiving that he must At this parental and professional joke, Mr. Weller pass Mr. Samuel Weller to get away. He therefore junior smiled afilialsmile. His revered parent con- resumed his brisk pace, and advanced, staring tinued in a solemn tone: straight before him. The most extraordinary thing "I'm agoin' to leave you, Samivel, my boy, and about the man was, that he was contorting his face there's no telling ven I shall see you again. Your into the most fearful and astonishing grimaces that mother-in-law may ha' been too much for me, or a ever were beheld. Nature's handiwork never was thousand things may have happened by the time you disguised with such extraordinary artificial carving, next hears any news o' the celebrated Mr. Veller o' as the man had overlaid his countenance with, in one the Bell Savage. The family name depends wery moment. much upon you, Samivel, and I hope you'll do wot's "Well!" said Mr. Weller to himself, as the man apright by it. Upon all little pints o' breedin', I know proached. "This is wery odd. I could ha' swore it I may trust you as vell as if it was my own self. So was him." I've only this here one little bit of adwice to give Up came the man, and his face became more frightyou. If ever you gets to up'ards o' fifty, and feels dis- fully distorted than ever, as he drew nearer. posed to go a-marryin' any body-no matter who- " I could take my oath to that'ere black hair, and jist you shut yourself up in your own room, if you've mulberry suit," said Mr. Weller; " only I never see got one, and pison yourself off-hand. Hangin's wul- such a face as that, afore." gar, so don't you have nothin' to say to that. Pison As Mr. Weller said this, the man's features asyourself, Samivel, my boy, pison yourself, and you'll sumed an unearthly twinge, perfectly hideous. He be glad on it arterwards." With these affecting was obliged to pass very near Sam, however, and the words, Mr. Weller looked steadfastly on his son, and scrutinizing glance of that gentleman enabled him turning slowly upon his heel, disappeared from his to detect, under all these appalling twists of feature, sight. something too like the small eyes of Mr. Job Trotter, In the contemplative mood which these words had to be easily mistaken. awakened, Mr. Samuel Weller walked forth from the "Halloo, you sir!" shouted Sam, fiercely. 140 THE PICK WICK CLUB. The stranger stopped. "How," said Job Trotter, as they walked away, "Halloo!" repeated Sam, still more gruffly. "how is your dear, good master? Oh, he is a The man with the horrible face, looked with the worthy gentleman, Mr. Weller! I hope he didn't greatest surprise, up the court, and down the court, catch cold that dreadful night, sir." and in at the windows of the houses-everywhere There was a momentary look of deep slyness in but at Sam Weller-and took another step forward, Job Trotter's eye as he said this, which ran a thrill when he was brought to again, by another shout. through Mr. Weller's clenched fist as he burned with " Halloo, you sir!" said Sam, for the third time. a desire to make a demonstration on his ribs. Sam There was no pretending to mistake where the constrained himself, however, and replied that his voice came from now, so the stranger, having no master was extremely well. other resource, at last looked Sam Weller full in the " Oh, I am so glad," replied Mr. Trotter; " is he face. here?" "It won't do, Job Trotter," said Sam. "Come! " Is your'n?" asked Sam, by way of reply. None o' that'ere nonsense. You ain't so wery'and- "Oh, yes, he is here, and I grieve to say, Mr. Welsome that you can afford to throw avay many o' your ler, he is going on worse than ever." good looks. Bring them'ere eyes o' your'n back into "Ah, ah?" said Sam. their proper places, or I'll knock'em out of your "Oh, shocking-terrible!" head. D'ye hear?" "At a boarding-school?" said Sam. " As Mr. Weller appeared fully disposed to act up "No, not at a boarding-school," replied Job Trotto the spirit of this address, Mr. Trotter gradually al- ter, with the same sly look which Sam had noticed lowed his face to resume its natural expression; and before; "not at a boarding-school." then giving a start of joy, exclaimed, "What do I "At the house with the green gate?" said Sam, see? Mr. Walker!" eying his companion closely. " Ah," replied Sam. " You're wery glad to see me, "No, no-oh, not there," replied Job, with a quickain't you?" ness very unusual to him, "not there." " Glad!" exclaimed Job Trotter; " oh, Mr. Walker, "What was you a-doin' there?" asked Sam, with if you had but known how I have looked forward to a sharp glance. " Got inside the gate by accident, this meeting! It is too much, Mr. Walker; I can perhaps?" not bear it, indeed I can not." And with these "Why, Mr. Weller," replied Job, "I don't mind words, Mr. Trotter burst into a regular inundation telling you my little secrets, because, you know, we of tears, and, flinging his arms around those of Mr. took such a fancy for each other when we first met. Weller, embraced him closely, in an ecstasy of joy. You recollect how pleasant we were that morning?" "Get off!" cried Sam, indignant at this process, "Oh yes," said Sam, impatiently. "I remember. and vainly endeavoring to extricate himself from the Well." grasp of his enthusiastic acquaintance. " Get off, I " Well," replied Job, speaking with great precistell you! What are you crying over me for, you ion, and in the low tone of a man who communiportable ingine?" cates an important secret; "in that house with the "' Because I am so glad to see you," replied Job green gate, Mr. Weller, they keep a good many servTrotter, gradually releasing Mr. Weller, as the first ants." symptoms of his pugnacity disappeared. " Oh, Mr. " So I should think, from the look on it," interWalker, this is too much." posed Sam. "Too much!" echoed Sam, "I think it is too much- "Yes," continued Mr. Trotter, " and one of them is rayther! Now what have you got to say to me, eh?" a cook, who has saved up a little money, Mr. Weller, Mr. Trotter made no reply; for the little pink and is desirous, if she can establish herself in life, to pocket-handkerchief was in full force. open a little shop in the chandlery way, you see." "What have you got to say to me, afore I knock I "Yes." your head off?" repeated Mr. Weller, in a threaten- "Yes, Mr. Weller. Well, sir, I met her at a chapel ing manner. that I go to: a very neat little chapel in this town, "Eh!" said Mr. Trotter, with a look of virtuous Mr. Weller, where they sing the number four collecsurprise. tion of hymns, which I generally carry about with " What have you got to say to me?" me in a little book, which you may perhaps have "I, Mr. Walker!" seen in my hand-and I got a little intimate with "Don't call me Valker; my name's Veller; you her, Mr. Weller, and from that, an acquaintance know that veil enough. What have you got to say sprung up between us, and I may venture to say, to me?" Mr. Weller, that I am to be the chandler." "Bless you, Mr. Walker-Weller I mean-a great "Ah, and a wery amiable chandler you'll make," many things, if you will come away somewhere, replied Sam, eying Job with a side look of intense where we can talk comfortably. If you knew how dislike. I have looked for you, Mr. Weller- " "The great advantage of this, Mr. Weller," con"Wery hard, indeed, I s'pose?" said Sam, dryly. tinned Job, his eyes filling with tears as he spoke, "Very, very, sir," replied Mr. Trotter, without "will be, that I shall be able to leave my present moving a muscle of his face. "But shake hands, disgraceful service with that bad man, and to deMr. Weller." vote myself to a better and more virtuous life; more Sam eyed his companion for a few seconds, and like the way in which I was brought up, Mr. Weller." then, as if actuated by a sudden impulse, complied " You must ha' been wery nicely brought up," said with his request.. Sam. A TRYING POSITION. 141 "Oh, very, Mr. Weller, very," replied Job. At the CHAPTER XXIV. recollection of the purity of his youthful days, Mr. Trotter pulled forth the pink handkerchief, and WHEREIN wept copiously. THE MIDDLE-AGED LADY APPREHENSIVE, WHICH wept copiously. BRINGS THE PICKWICKIANS WITHIN THE GRASP "Youmust ha' been an uncommon nice boy, to go THE KWICKIAS WITHI THE GRASP to school vith," said Sam.OF THE LAW. "I was, sir," replied Job, heaving a deep sigh. "I I ATHEN Mr. Pickwick descended to the roomi in was the idol of the place." V V which he and Mr. Peter Magnus had spent the "Ah," said Sam, "I don't wonder at it. What a preceding evening, he found that gentleman with comfort you must ha' been to your blessed mother." the major part of the contents of the two bags, the At these words, Mr. Job Trotter inserted aneend leathern hat-box, and the brown-paper parcel, disof the pink handkerchief into the corner of each eye, played to all possible advantage on his person, while one after the other, and began to weep copiously. he himself was pacing up and down the room in a "Wot's the matter vith the man," said Sam, in- state of the utmost excitement and agitation. dignantly. " Chelsea water-works is nothin' to you. "Good- morning, sir," said Mr. Peter Magnus. What are you melting vith now? The conscious- "What do you think of this, sir?" ness o' willainy?" "Very effective indeed," replied Mr. Pickwick, "I can not keep my feelings down, Mr. Weller," surveying the garments of Mr. Peter Magnus with a said Job, after a short pause. "To think that my good-natured smile. master should have suspected the conversation I had " Yes, I think it'll do," said Mr. Magnus. " Mr. with yours, and so dragged me away in a post-chaise, Pickwick, sir, I have sent up my card." and after persuading the sweet young lady to say " Have you?" said Mr. Pickwick. she knew nothing of him, and bribing the school- "And the waiter brought back word, that she mistress to do the same, deserted her for a better would see me at eleven-at eleven, sir; it only wants speculation! Oh! Mr. Weller, it makes me shudder." a quarter now." " Oh, that was the vay, was it?" said Mr. Weller. "Very near the time," said Mr. Pickwick. " To be sure it was," replied Job.." Yes, it is rather near," replied Mr. Magnus, "rath"Vell," said Sam, as they had now arrived near er too near to be pleasant-eh! Mr. Pickwick, sir?" the Hotel, "I vant to have a little bit o' talk with "Confidence is a great thing in these cases," obyou, Job; so if you're not partickler engaged, I served Mr. Pickwick. should like to see you at the Great White Horse to- "I believe it is, sir," said Mr. Peter Magnus. "I night, somewheres about eight o'clock." am very confident, sir. Really, Mr. Pickwick, I do " I shall be sure to come," said Job. not see why a man should feel any fear in such a case "Yes, you'd better," replied Sam, with a very mean- as this, sir. What is it, sir? There's nothing to be ing look, " or else I shall perhaps be asking arter you, ashamed of; it's a matter of mutual accommodation, at the other side of the green gate, and then I might nothing more. Husband on one side, wife on the cut you out, you know.".other. That's my view of the matter, Mr. Pick"I shall be sure to be with you, sir," said Mr. wick." Trotter; and wringing Sam's hand with the utmost "It is a very philosophical one," replied Mr. Pickfervor, he walked away. wick. "But breakfast is waiting, Mr. Magnus. "Take care, Job Trotter, take care," said Sam, Come." looking after him, "or I shall be one too many for Down they sat to breakfast, but it was evident, you this time. I shall, indeed." Having uttered notwithstanding the boasting of Mr. Peter Magnus, this soliloquy, and looked after Job till he was to be that he labored under a very considerable degree of seen no more, Mr. Weller made the best of his way nervousness, of which loss of appetite, a propensity to to his master's bedroom. upset the tea-things, a spectral attempt at drollery, "It's all in training, sir," said Sam. and an irresistible inclination to look at the clock "What's in training, Sam?" inquired Mr. Pick- every other second, were among the principal sympwick. toms. "I have found'em out, sir," said Sam. "He - he - he," tittered Mr. Magnus, affecting "Found out who?" cheerfulness, and gasping with agitation. "It only "That'ere queer customer, and the melan-choly wants two minutes, Mr. Pickwick. Am I pale, sir?" chap with the black hair." " Not very," replied Mr. Pickwick. "Impossible, Sam!" said Mr. Pickwick, with the There was a brief pause. greatest energy. "Where are they, Sam; where "I beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick; but have you are they?" ever done this sort of thing in your time?" said Mr. "Hush, hush!" replied Mr. Weller; and as he as- Magnus. sisted Mr. Pickwick to dress, he detailed the plan of "You mean proposing?" said Mr. Pickwick. action on which he proposed to enter." Yes." "But when is this to be done, Sam?" inquired Mr. "Never," said Mr. Pickwick, with great energy, Pickwick. "never." "All in good time, sir," replied Sam. "You have no idea, then, how it's best to begin?" Whether it was done in good time, or not, will be said Mr. Magnus. seen hereafter. "Why," said Mr. Pickwick, "I may have formed ~ some ideas upon the subject, but, as I have never submitted them to the test of experience, I should 142 THE PICKWICK CLUB. be sorry if you were induced to regulate your pro- "Congratulate me, Mr. Pickwick; I followed your ceedings by them." advice to the very letter." "I should feel very much obliged to you, for any "And it was all correct, was it?" inquired Mr. advice, sir," said Mr. Magnus, taking another look at Pickwick. the clock: the hand of which was verging on the "It was, sir. Could not possibly have been betfive minutes past. ter," replied Mr. Magnus. "Mr. Pickwick, she is' Well, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, with the profound mine." solemnity with which that great man could; when "I congratulate you with all my heart," replied he pleased, render his remarks so deeply impressive; Mr. Pickwick, warmly shaking his new friend by the " I should commence, sir, with a tribute to the lady's hand. beauty and excellent qualities; from them, sir, I' You must see her, sir," said Mr. Magnus; "this should diverge to my own unworthiness." way, if you please. Excuse us for one instant, gen"Very good," said Mr. Magnus. tlemen." Hurrying on in this way, Mr. Peter Mag"Unworthiness for her only, mind, sir," resumed nus drew Mr. Pickwick from the room. He paused Mr. Pickwick; "for to show that I was not wholly at the next door in the passage, and tapped gently unworthy, sir, I should take a brief review of my past thereat. life, and present condition. I should argue, by analo- "Come in," said a female voice. And in they went. gy, that to any body else I must be a very desirable "Miss Witherfield," said Mr. Magnus, " allow me object. I should then expatiate on the warmth of to introduce my very particular friend, Mr. Pickwick. my love, and the depth of my devotion. Perhaps I Mr. Pickwick, I beg to make you known to MissWithmight then be tempted to seize her hand." erfield." "Yes, I see," said Mr. Magnus; "that would be a The lady was at the upper end of the room. As very great point." Mr. Pickwick bowed, he took his spectacles from his "I should then, sir," continued Mr. Pickwick, grow- waistcoat pocket, and put them on; a process which ing warmer as the subject presented itself in more he had no sooner gone through, than, uttering an exglowing colors before him: " I should then, sir, come clamation of surprise, Mr. Pickwick retreated several to the plain and simple question, Will you have ie?' paces, and the lady, with a half-suppressed scream, I think I am justified in assuming that upon this, hid her face in her hands, and dropped into a chair; she would turn away her head." whereupon Mr. Peter Magnus was stricken motion"You think that may be taken for granted?" said less on the spot, and gazed from one to the other, Mr. Magnus; " because if she did not do that at the with a countenance expressive of the extremities of right place, it would be embarrassing." horror and surprise. "I think she would," said Mr. Pickwick. "Upon This certainly was, to all appearance, very unacthis, sir, I should squeeze her hand, and I think-I countable behavior; but the fact is, that Mr. Pickthink, Mr. Magnus-that after I had done that, sup- wick no sooner put on his spectacles, than he at once posing there was no refusal, I should gently draw recognized in the future Mrs. Magnus the lady into away the handkerchief, which my slight knowledge whose room he had so unwarrantably intruded on of human nature leads me to suppose the lady would the previous night; and the spectacles had no sooner be applying to her eyes at the moment, and steal a crossed Mr. Pickwick's nose, than the lady at once respectful kiss. I think I should kiss her, Mr. Mag- identified the countenance which she had seen surnus; and at this particular point, I am decidedly of rounded by all the horrors of a night-cap. So the opinion that if the lady were going to take me at all, lady screamed, and Mr. Pickwick started. she would murmur in my ears a bashful acceptance." " Mr. Pickwick!" exclaimed Mr. Magnus, lost in Mr. Magnus started; gazed on Mr. Pickwick's in- astonishment, "what is the meaning of this, sir? telligent face for a short time in silence; and then What is the meaning of it, sir?" added Mr. Magnus, (the dial pointing to the ten minutes past) shook in a threatening, and a louder tone. him warmly by the hand, and rushed desperately "Sir," said Mr. Pickwick, somewhat indignant at from the room. the very sudden manner in which Mr. Peter Magnus Mr. Pickwick had taken a few strides to and fro; had conjugated himself into the imperative mood, and the small hand of the clock following the latter "I decline answering that question." part of his example, had arrived at the figure which " You decline it, sir," said Mr. Magnus. indicates the half-hour, when the door suddenly "I do, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick: "I object to opened. He turned round to meet Mr. Peter Mag- saying any thing which may compromise that lady, nus, and encountered, in his stead, the joyous face of or awaken unpleasant recollections in her breast, Mr. Tupman, the serene countenance of Mr. Winkle, without her consent and permission." and the intellectual lineaments of Mr. Snodgrass. "Miss Witherfield," said Mr. Peter Magnus, "do As Mr. Pickwick greeted them, Mr. Peter Magnus you know this person?" tripped into the room. "Know him!" repeated the middle-aged lady, hes"My friends, the gentleman I was speaking of- itating. Mr. Magnus," said Mr. Pickwick. "Yes, know him, ma'am. I said know him," re"Your servant, gentlemen," said Mr. Magnus, evi- plied Mr. Magnus, with ferocity. dently in a high state of excitement; " Mr. Pickwick, " I have seen him," replied the middle-aged lady. allow me to speak to you one moment, sir." " Where?" inquired Mr. Magnus, " where?" As he said this, Mr. Magnus harnessed his forefin- "That," said the middle-aged lady, rising from her ger to Mr. Pickwick's button-hole, and, drawing him seat, and averting her head, " that I would not reto a window recess, said: veal for worlds." JEALOUSY OF MR. MAGNUS. 143 "I understand you, ma'am," said Mr. Pickwick, this phrase of "Never mind," for we do not recollect "and respect your delicacy; it shall never be re- to have ever witnessed a quarrel in the street, at a vealed by me, depend upon it." theatre, public room, or elsewhere, in which it has " Upon my word, ma'am," said Mr. Magnus, "con- not been the standard reply to all belligerent insidering the situation in which I am placed with re- quiries. "Do you call yourself a gentleman, sir?"gard to yourself, you carry this matter off with tol- "Never mind, sir." " Did I offer to say any thing to erable coolness-tolerable coolness, ma'am." the young woman, sir?"-" Never mind, sir'?" "Do " Cruel Mr. Magnus!" said the middle-aged lady; you want your head knocked up against that wall, here she wept very copiously indeed. sir?" —" Never mind, sir." It is observable, too, that "Address your observations to me, sir," interposed there would appear to be some hidden taunt in this Mr. Pickwick; "I alone am to blame, if any body be." universal " Never mind," which rouses more indigna"Oh! you alone are to blame, are you, sir?" said tion in the bosom of the individual addressed, than Mr. Magnus; "I I-I-see through this, sir. You re- the most lavish abuse could possibly awaken. pent of your determination now, do you?" We do not mean to assert that the application of " My determination!" said Mr. Pickwick. this brevity to himself, struck exactly that indigna"Your determination, sir. Oh! don't stare at tion to Mr. Pickwick's soul, which it would infallibly iX / "WHAT 18 THE MEANING OF THIS, SIR " me, sir," said Mr. Magnus; "I recollect your words have roused in a vulgar breast. We merely record last night, sir. You came down here, sir, to expose the fact that Mr. Pickwick opened the room door, the treachery and falsehood of an individual on and abruptly called out, "Tupman, come here!" whose truth and honor you had placed implicit reli- Mr. Tupman immediately presented himself, with ance-eh?" Here Mr. Peter Magnus indulged in a a look of very considerable surprise. prolonged sneer; and taking off his green spectacles "Tupman," said Mr. Pickwick, "a secret of some -which he probably found superfluous in his fit of delicacy, in which that lady is concerned, is the cause jealousy-rolled his little eyes about, in a manner of a difference which has just arisen between this frightful to behold. gentleman and myself. When I assure him, in your " Eh?" said Mr. Magnus; and then he repeated presence, that it has no relation to himself, and is the sneer with increased effect. " But you shall an- not in any way connected with his affairs, I need swer it, sir." hardly beg you to take notice that if he continue to "Answer what?" said Mr. Pickwick. dispute it, he expresses a doubt of my veracity, which "Never mind, sir," replied Mr. Magnus, striding up I shall consider extremely insulting." As Mr. Pickand down the room. " Never mind." wick said this, he looked encyclopedias at Mr. Peter There must be something very comprehensive in Magnus. 144 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Mr. Pickwick's upright and honorable bearing, est walker would find out, between sunrise and suncoupled with that force and energy of speech which set, on the twenty-first of June, which being, accordso eminently distinguished him, would have carried ing to the almanacs, the longest day in the whole conviction to any reasonable mind; but unfortunate- year, would naturally afford him the longest period ly at that particular moment, the mind of Mr. Pe- for his search. On this particular morning, Mr. ter Magnus was in any thing but reasonable order. Nupkins was in a state of the utmost excitement Consequently, instead of receiving Mr. Pickwick's and irritation, for there had been a rebellion in the explanation as he ought to have done, he forthwith town; all the day-scholars at the largest day-school proceeded to work himself into a red-hot, scorching, had conspired to break the windows of an obnoxious consuming passion, and to talk about what was due apple-seller, and had hooted the beadle, and pelted to his own feelings, and all that sort of thing; add- the constabulary-an elderly gentleman in top-boots, ing force to his declamation by striding to and fro, who had been called out to repress the tumult, and and pulling his hair-amusements which he would who had been a peace officer, man and boy, for half vary occasionally, by shaking his fist in Mr. Pick- a century at least. And Mr. Nupkins was sitting in wick's philanthropic countenance. his easy-chair, frowning with majesty, and boiling Mr. Pickwick, in his turn, conscious of his own in- with rage, when a lady was announced on pressing, nocence and rectitude, and irritated by having un- private, and particular business. Mr. Nupkins lookfortunately involved the middle-aged lady in such ed calmly terrible, and commanded that the lady an unpleasant affair, was not so quietly disposed as should be shown in: which command, like all the was his wont. The consequence was, that words mandates of emperors, and magistrates, and other ran high, and voices higher; and at length Mr. Mag- great potentates of the earth, was forthwith obeyed; nus told Mr. Pickwick he should hear from him; to and Miss Witherfield, interestingly agitated, was which Mr. Pickwick replied, with laudable politeness, ushered in accordingly. that the sooner he heard from him the better; where- "Muzzle!" said the magistrate. upon the middle-aged lady rushed in terror from the Muzzle was an undersized footman, with a long room, out of which Mr. Tupman dragged Mr. Pick- body and short legs. wick, leaving Mr. Peter Magnus to himself and medi- "Muzzle!" tation. "Yes, your worship." If the middle-aged lady had mingled much with "Place a chair, and leave the room." the busy world, or had profited at all by the man- "Yes, your worship." ners and customs of those who make the laws and "Now, ma'am, will you state your business?" said set the fashions, she would have known that this sort the magistrate. of ferocity is the most harmless thing in nature; but' "It is of a very painful kind, sir," said Miss Withas she had lived for the most part in the country, erfield. and never read the parliamentary debates, she was "Very likely, ma'am," said the magistrate. "Comlittle versed in these particular refinements of civil- pose your feelings, ma'am." Here Mr. Nupkins lookized life. Accordingly, when she had gained her ed benignant. "And then tell me what legal busibed-chamber, bolted herself in, and begun to medi- ness brings you here, ma'am." Here the magistrate tate on the scene she had just witnessed, the most triumphed over the man; and he looked stern again. terrific pictures of slaughter and destruction present- "It is very distressing to me, sir, to give this ined themselves to her imagination; among which, a formation," said Miss Witherfield, "but I fear a duel full-length portrait of Mr. Peter Magnus borne home is going to be fought here." by four men, with the embellishment of a whole bar- "Here, ma'am?" said the magistrate. "Where, relful of bullets in his left side, was among the very Ma'am?" least. The more the middle-aged lady meditated, "In Ipswich." the more terrified she became; and at length she de- "In Ipswich, ma'am! A duel in Ipswich!" said termined to repair to the house of the principal mag- the magistrate, perfectly aghast at the notion. "Imistrate of the town, and request him to secure the possible, ma'am; nothing of the kind can be contempersons of Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupman without plated in this town, I am persua4ed. Bless my soul, delay. ma'am, are you aware of the activity of our local To this decision the middle-aged lady was impel- magistracy? Do you happen to have heard, ma'am, led by a variety of considerations, the chief of which that I rushed into a prize-ring on the fourth of May was the incontestable proof it would afford of her last, attended by only sixty special constables; and, devotion to Mr. Peter Magnus, and her anxiety for at the hazarl of falling a sacrifice to the angry pashis safety. She was too well acquainted with his sions of an infuriated multitude, prohibited a pugiljealous temperament to venture the slightest allu- istic contest between the Middlesex Dumpling and sion to the real cause of her agitation on beholding the Suffolk Bantam? A duel in Ipswich, ma'am! Mr. Pickwick; and she trusted to her own influence I don't think-I do not think," said the magistrate, and power of persuasion with the little man, to quell reasoning with himself, " that any two men can have his boisterous jealousy, supposing that Mr. Pickwick had the hardihood to plan such a breach of the peace were removed, and no fresh quarrel could arise. in this town." Filled with these reflections, the middle-aged lady "My information is unfortunately but too correct," arrayed herself in her bonnet and shawl, and repair- said the middle-aged lady. " I was present at the ed to the Mayor's dwelling straightway. quarrel. Now George Nupkins, Esquire, the principal magis- "It's a most extraordinary thing," said the astrate aforesaid, was as grand a personage as the fast- tounded magistrate. " Muzzle!" WARRANTS GRANTED. 145 "Yes, your worship." Grummer, the military must protect the civil power, " Send Mr. Jinks here, directly! Instantly." and the windows too. I believe that is a maxim of "Yes, your worship." the constitution, Mr. Jinks?" Muzzle retired; and a pale, sharp-nosed, half-fed, "Certainly, sir," said Jinks. shabbily-clad clerk, of middle age, entered the room. " Very good," said the magistrate, signing the war" Mr. Jinks," said the magistrate. " Mr. Jinks." rants. " Grummer, you will bring these persons be" Sir," said Mr. Jinks. fore me this afternoon. You will find them at the " This lady, Mr. Jinks, has come here, to give in- Great White Horse. You recollect the case of the formation of an intended duel in this town." Middlesex Dumpling and the Suffolk Bantam, GrumMr. Jinks not knowing exactly what to do, smiled mer?" a dependent's smile. Mr. Grummer intimated, by a retrospective shake "What ar6 you laughing at, Mr. Jinks?" said the of the head, that he should never forget it-as indeed magistrate. it was not likely he would, so long as it continued to Mr. Jinks looked serious, instantly. be cited daily. " Mr. Jinks," said the magistrate, "you're a fool." "This is even more unconstitutional," said the Mr. Jinks looked humbly at the great man, and magistrate; "this is even a greater breach of the bit the top of his pen. peace, and a grosser infringement of his Majesty's "You may see something very comical in this in- prerogative. I believe dueling is one of his Majesformation, sir;. but I can tell you this, Mr. Jinks; ty's most undoubted prerogatives, Mr. Jinks?" that you have very little to laugh at," said the mag- "Expressly stipulated in Magna Charta, sir," said istrate. Mr. Jinks. The hungry-looking Jinks sighed, as if he were " One of the brightest jewels in the British crown, quite aware of the fact of his having very little, in- wrung from his Majesty by the Barons, I believe, Mr. deed, to be merry about; and, being ordered to take Jinks?" said the magistrate. the lady's information, shambled to a seat, and pro- "Just so, sir," replied Mr. Jinks. ceeded to write it down. " Very well," said the magistrate, drawing himself "This man, Pickwick, is the principal, I'under- up proudly, "it shall not be violated in this portion stand," said the magistrate, when the statement was of his dominions. Grummer, procure assistance, and finished. execute these warrants with as little delay as possi"He is," said the middle-aged lady. ble. Muzzle!" "And the other rioter —what's his name. Mr. "Yes, your worship." Jinks?"' Show the lady out." " Tupman, sir." Miss Witherfield retired, deeplyimpressed with the " Tupman is the second?" magistrate's learning and research; Mr. Nupkins re"Yes." tired to lunch; Mr. Jinks retired within himself"The other principal you say, has absconded, that being the only retirement he had, except the ma'am?" sofa-bedstead in the small parlor which was occupied "Yes," replied Miss Witherfield, with a short by his landlady's family in the day-time-and Mr. cough. Grummer retired, to wipe out, by his mode of dis-: "Very well," said the magistrate. "These are charging his present commission, the insult which two cut-throats from London, who have come down had been fastened upon himself, and the other reprehere to destroy his Majesty's population: thinking sentative of his Majesty-the beadle-in the course that at this distance from the capital, the arm of the of the morning. law is weak and paralyzed. They shall be made While these resolute and determined preparations an example of. Draw up the warrants, Mr. Jinks. for the conservation of the King's peace were pendMuzzle!" ing, Mr. Pickwick and his friends, wholly uncon"Yes, your worship." scious of the mighty events in progress, had sat "Is Grummer down stairs?" quietly down to dinner; and very talkative and "Yes, your worship." companionable they all were. Mr. Pickwick was in "Send him up." the very act of relating his adventure of the preceThe obsequious Muzzle retired, and presently re- ding night, to the great amusement of his followers, turned, introducing the elderly gentleman in the Mr. Tupman especially, when the door opened, and a top-boots, who was chiefly remarkable for a bottle- somewhat forbidding countenance peeped into the nose, a hoarse voice, a snuff-colored surtout, and a room. The eyes in the forbidding countenance lookwandering eye. ed very earnestly at Mr. Pickwick, for several sec" Grummer," said the magistrate. onds, and were to all appearance satisfied with their "Your wash-up." investigation; for the body to which the forbidding " Is the town quiet now?" countenance belonged slowly brought itself into the " Pretty well, your wash-up," replied Grummer. apartment, and presented the form of an elderly indi"Pop'lar feeling has in a measure subsided, conse- vidual in top-boots-not to keep the reader any longkens o' the boys having dispersed to cricket." er in suspense, in short, the eyes were the wandering "Nothing but vigorous measures will do in these eyes of Mr. Grummer, and the body was the body of times, Grummer," said the magistrate, in a deter- the same gentleman. mined manner. "If the authority of the king's offi- Mr. Grummer's mode of proceeding was professioncers is set at naught, we must have the riot act read. al, but peculiar. His first act was to bolt the door If the civil power can not protect these windows, on the inside; his second, to polish his head and 10 146 THE PICKWICK CLUB. countenance very carefully with a cotton handker- When the executive perceived that Mr. Pickwick chief; his third, to place his hat, with the cotton and his friends were disposed to resist the authority handkerchief in it, on the nearest chair; and his of the law, they very significantly turned up their fourth, to produce from the breast-pocket of his coat coat-sleeves, as if knocking them down in the first a short truncheon, surmounted by a brazen crown, instance, and taking them up afterward, were a with which he beckoned to Mr. Pickwick with a mere professional act which had only to be thought grave and ghost-like air. of, to be done, as a matter of course. This demonMr. Snodgrass was the first to break the astonished stration was not lost upon Mr. Pickwick. He consilence. He looked steadily at Mr. Grummer for a ferred a few moments with Mr. Tupman apart, and brief space, and then said emphatically: " This is a then signified his readiness to proceed to the Mayor's private room, sir. A private room." residence, merely begging the parties then and there Mr. Grummer shook his head, and replied, "No assembled, to take notice, that it was his firm intenroom's private to his Majesty when the street door's tion to resent this monstrous invasion of his privionce passed. That's law. Some people maintains leges as an Englishman the instant he was at libthat an Englishman's house is his castle. That's erty; whereat the parties then and there assembled gammon." laughed very heartily, with the single exception of The Pickwickians gazed on each other with won- Mr. Grummer, who seemed to consider that any slight dering eyes. cast upon the divine right of magistrates was a spe"Which is Mr. Tupman?" inquired Mr. Grummer. cies of blasphemy not to be tolerated. He had an intuitive perception of Mr. Pickwick; he But when Mr. Pickwick had signified his readiness knew him at once. to bow to the laws of his country; and just when "My name's Tupman," said that gentleman. the waiters, and hostlers, and chamber-maids, and " My name's Law," said Mr. Grummer. post-boys, who had anticipated a delightful commo" What?" said Mr. Tupman. tion from his threatened obstinacy, began to turn " Law," replied Mr. Grummer, " law, civil power, away, disappointed and disgusted, a difficulty arose and exekative; them's my titles; here's my authori- which had not been foreseen. With every sentiment ty. Blank Tupman, blank Pickvick-against the of veneration for the constituted authorities, Mr. peace of our sufferin' Lord the King-stattit in that Pickwick resolutely protested against making his case made and purwided-and all regular. I appre- appearance in the public streets, surrounded and hend you Pickvick! Tupman-the aforesaid." guarded by the officers of justice, like a common " What do you mean by this insolence?" said Mr. criminal. Mr. Grummer, in the then disturbed state Tupman, starting up: " leave the room!" of public feeling (for it was half-holiday, and the " Halloo," said Mr. Grummer, retreating very ex- boys had not yet gone home), as resolutely protestpeditiously to the door, and opening it an inch or ed against walking on the opposite side of the way, two, " Dubbley." and taking Mr. Pickwick's parole that he would go "Well," said a deep voice from the passage. straight to the magistrate's; and both Mr. Pickwick " Come for'ard, Dubbley." and Mr. Tupman as strenuously objected to the exAt the word of command, a dirty-faced man, some- pense of a post-coach, which was the only respectthing over six feet high, and stout in proportion, able conveyance that could be obtained. The dissqueezed himself through the half-open door (mak- pute ran high, and the dilemma lasted long; and ing his face very red in the process), and entered the just as the executives were on the point of overcomroom. ing Mr. Pickwick's objection to walking to the mag" Is the other specials outside, Dubbley?" inquired istrate's, by the trite expedient of carrying him Mr. Grummer. thither, it was recollected that there stood in the inn Mr. Dubbley, who was a man of few words, nodded yard an old sedan-chair, which having been originalassent. ly built for a gouty gentleman with funded property, " Order in the diwision under your charge, Dub- would hold Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupman, at least bley," said Mr. Grummer. as conveniently as a modern post-chaise. The chair Mr. Dubbley did as he was desired; and half a doz- was hired, and brought into the hall; Mr. Pickwick en men, each with a short truncheon and a brass and Mr. Tupman squeezed themselves inside, and crown, flocked into the room. Mr. Grummer pocket- pulled down the blinds; a couple of chairmen were ed his staff and looked at Mr. Dubbley; Mr. Dubbley speedly found; and the procession started in grand pocketed his staff and looked at the division; the order. The specials surrounded the body of the vedivision pocketed their staves and looked at Messrs. hide; Mr. Grummer and Mr. Dubbley marched triTupman and Pickwick. umphantly in front; Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle Mr. Pickwick and his followers rose as one man. walked arm in arm behind; and the unsoaped of " What is the meaning of this atrocious intrusion Ipswich brought up the rear. upon my privacy?" said Mr. Pickwick. The shop-keepers of the town, although they had " Who dares apprehend me?" said Mr. Tupman. a very indistinct notion of the nature of the offense, "What do you want here, scoundrels?" said Mr. could not but be much edified and gratified by this Snodgrass. spectacle. Here was the strong arm of the law, comMr. Winkle said nothing, but he fixed his eyes on ing down with twenty gold-beater force upon two Grummer, and bestowed a look upon him, which, if offenders from the metropolis itself; the mighty he had had any feeling, must have pierced his brain. engine was directed by their own magistrate, and As it was,however, it had no visible effect upon him worked by their own officers; and both the crimiwhatever. nals, by their united efforts, were securely shut up THE OFFENDERS IN CUSTODY. 147 in the narrow compass of one sedan-chair. Many other: a compliment which Mr. Weller returned by were the expressions of approval and admiration knocking him down out of hand: having previouswhich greeted Mr. Grummer, as he headed the cav- ly, with the utmost consideration, knocked down a alcade, staff in hand; loud and long were the shouts chairman for him to lie upon. raised by the unsoaped; and amidst these united Whether Mr. Winkle was seized with a temporary testimonials of public approbation, the procession attack of that species of insanity which originates moved slowly and majestically along. in a sense of injury, or animated by this display of Mr. Weller, habited in his morning jacket with the Mr. Weller's valor, is uncertain; but certain it is, black calico-sleeves, was returning in a rather de- that he no sooner saw Mr. Grummer fall than he sponding state from an unsuccessful survey of the made a terrific onslaught on a small boy who stood mysterious house with the green gate, when, raising next him; whereupon Mr. Snodgrass, in a truly his eyes, he beheld a crowd pouring down the street, Christian spirit, and in order that he might take no surrounding an object which had very much the ap- one unawares, announced in a very loud tone that pearance of a sedan-chair. Willing to divert his he was going to begin, and proceeded to take off his thoughts from the failure of his enterprise, he stepped coat with the utmost deliberation. He was immeaside to see the crowd pass; and finding that they diately surrounded and secured; and it is but comwere cheering away, very much to their own sat- mon justice both to him and Mr. Winkle to say, that isfaction, forthwith began (by way of raising his they did not make the slightest attempt to rescue spirits) to cheer too, with all his might and main. either themselves or Mr. Weller: who, after a most Mr. Grummer passed, and Mr. Dubbley passed, and vigorous resistance, was overpowered by numbers the sedan passed, and the body-guard of specials and taken prisoner. The procession then reformed; passed, and Sam was still responding to the enthusi- the chairmen resumed their stations; and the march astic cheers of the mob, and waving his hat about as was recommenced. if he were in the very last extreme of the wildest Mr. Pickwick's indignation during the whole of joy (though, of course, he had not the faintest idea this proceeding was beyond all bounds. He could of the matter in hand), when he was suddenly stop- just see Sam upsetting the specials, and flying about ped by the unexpected appearance of Mr. Winkle in every direction; and that was all he could see, and Mr. Snodgrass. for the sedan doors wouldn't open, and the blinds " What's the row, gen'l'm'n?" cried Sam. " Who wouldn't pull up. At length, with the assistance of have they got in this here watch-box in mournin'?" Mr. Tupman, he managed to push open the roof; and Both gentlemen replied together, but their words mounting on the seat, and steadying himself as well were lost in the tumult. as he could, by placing his hand on that gentleman's "Who?" cried Sam again. shoulder, Mr. Pickwick proceeded to address the Once more was a joint reply returned; and, though multitude; to dwell upon the unjustifiable manner the words were inaudible, Sam saw by the motion in which he had been treated; and to call upon them of the two pairs of lips that they had uttered the to take notice that his servant had been first assaultmagic word "Pickwick." ed. In this order they reached the magistrate's This was enough. In another minute Mr. Weller house; the chairmen trotting, the prisoners followhad made his way through the crowd, stopped the ing, Mr. Pickwick oratorizing, and the crowd shoutchairmen, and confronted the portly Grummer. ing. " Halloo, old gen'l'm'n!" said Sam. "Who haveyou got in this here conwayance?" "Stand back," said Mr. Grummer, whose dignity, CHAPTER XXV. like the dignity of a great many other men, had been wondrously augmented by a little popularity. HOW MAJESTIC AND IMPARTIAL MR. NUPKINS WAS; " Knock him down, if he don't," said Mr. Dubbley. m w', AND HOW MR. WELLER RETURNED MR. JOB TROT"I'm wery much obliged to you, old gen'lmn, Im w much oul^ to you, old gen'A'm'n ".TER'S SHUTTLECOCK AS HEAVILY AS IT CAME. WITH replied Sam, "for consulting my conwenience, and TER HTTIL I IT I'm still more obliged to the other gen'l'm'n, who OTHER MATTER WHICH WILL BE FOUND IN ITS PLACE. looks as if he'd just escaped from a giant's carrywan, for his wery'ansome suggestion; but I should perfer TIOLENT was Mr. Weller's indignation as he was your givin' me a answer to my question, if it's all the Vborne along; numerous were the allusions to same to you.-How are you, sir?" This last obser- the personal appearance and demeanor of Mr. Grumvation was addressed with a patronizing air to Mr. mer and his companions: and valorous were the defiPickwick, who was peeping through the front win- ances to any six of the gentlemen present in which dow. he vented his dissatisfaction. Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Grummer, perfectly speechless with indigna- Mr. Winkle listened with gloomy respect to the tortion, dragged the truncheon with the brass crown rent of eloquence which their leader poured forth from its particular pocket, and flourished it before from the sedan-chair, and the rapid course of which Sam's eyes. not all Mr. Tupman's earnest entreaties to have the "Ah," said Sam, "it's wery pretty,'specially the lid of the vehicle closed, were able to check for an crown, which is uncommon like the real one." instant. But Mr. Weller's anger quickly gave way "Stand back!" said the outraged Mr. Grummer. to curiosity when the procession turned down the By way of adding force to the command, he thrust identical court-yard in which he had met with the the brass emblem of royalty into Sam's neckcloth runaway Job Trotter: and curiosity was exchanged with one hand, and seized Sam's collar with the for a feeling of the most gleeful astonishment, when 148 THE PICKWICK CLUB. the all-important Mr. Grummer, commanding the mits these here officers o' yourn to the tread-mill for sedan-bearers to halt, advanced with dignified and a month or two, the sooner we shall begin to be on portentous steps to the very green gate from which a pleasant understanding. Business first, pleasure Job Trotter had emerged, and gave a mighty pull at arterwards, as King Richard- the Third said wen he the bell-handle which hung at the side thereof. The stabbed the t'other king in the Tower, afore he smothring was answered by a very smart and pretty-faced ered the babbies." servant-girl, who, after holding up her hands in as- At the conclusion of this address, Mr. Weller brushtonishment at the rebellious appearance of the pris- ed his hat with his right elbow, and nodded benignoners, and the impassioned language of Mr. Pick- ly to Jinks, who had heard him throughout, with wick, summoned Mr. Muzzle. Mr. Muzzle opened unspeakable awe. one half of the carriage gate, to admit the sedan, the "Who is this man, Grummer?" said the magistrate. captured ones, and the specials; and immediately "Wery desp'rate ch'racter, your wash-up," replied slammed it in the faces of the mob, who, indignant Grummer. "He attempted to rescue the prisoners, at being excluded, and anxious to see what followed, and assaulted the officers; so we took him into cusrelieved their feelings by kicking at the gate and tody, and brought him here." ringing the bell for an hour or two afterward. In "You did quite right," replied the magistrate. "He this amusement they all took part by turns, except is evidently a desperate ruffian." three or four fortunate individuals, who, having dis- "He is my servant, sir," said Mr: Pickwick, angrily. covered a grating in the gate which commanded a " Oh! he is your servant, is he?" said Mr. Nupkins. view of nothing, stared through it with the indefat- "A conspiracy to defeat the ends of justice, and igable perseverance with which people will flatten murder its officers. Pickwick's servant. Put that their noses against the front windows of a chemist's down, Mr. Jinks." shop, when a drunken man, who has been run over Mr. Jinks did so. by a dog-cart in the street, is undergoing a surgical "What's your name, fellow?" thundered Mr. Nupinspection in the back parlor. kins. At the foot of a flight of steps, leading to the house "Veller," replied Sam. door, which was guarded on either side by an Amer- "A very good name for the Newgate Calendar," ican aloe in a green tub, the sedan-chair stopped. said Mr. Nupkins. Mr. Pickwick and his friends were conducted into This was a joke; so Jinks, Grummer, Dubbley, all the hall, whence, having been previously announced the specials, and Muzzle, went into fits of laughter by Muzzle, and ordered in by Mr. Nupkins, they were of five minutes' duration. ushered into the worshipful presence of that public- "Put down his name, Mr. Jinks," said the magisspirited officer. trate. The scene was an impressive one, well calculated "Two Ls, old feller," said Sam. to strike terror to the hearts of culprits, and to im- Here an unfortunate special laughed again, wherepress them with an adequate idea of the stern maj- upon the magistrate threatened to commit him inesty of the law. In front of a big book-case, in a stantly. It is a dangerous thing to laugh at the big chair, behind a big table, and before a big vol- wrong man, in these cases. ume, sat Mr. Nupkins, looking a full size larger than "Where do you live?" said the magistrate. any one of them, big as they were. The table was "Vare-ever I can," replied Sam. adorned with piles of papers: and above the farther "Put down that, Mr. Jinks," said the magistrate, end of it appeared the head and shoulders of Mr. who was fast rising into a rage. Jinks, who was busily engaged in looking as busy "Score it under," said Sam. as possible. The party having all entered, Muzzle "He is a vagabond, Mr. Jinks," said the magiscarefully closed the door, and placed himself behind trate. "He is a vagabond on his own statement; is his master's chair to await his orders. Mr. Nupkins he not, Mr. Jinks?" threw himself back with thrilling solemnity, and "Certainly, sir." scrutinized the faces of his unwilling visitors. "Then I'll commit'him. I'll commit him as such," "Now, Grummer, who is that person?" said Mr. Nup- said Mr. Nupkins. kins, pointing to Mr..ickwick, who, as the spokes- " This is a wery impartial country for justice," said man of his friends, stood hat in hand, bowing with Sam. " There ain't a magistrate goin' as don't commit the utmost politeness and respect. himself twice as often as he commits other people." " This here's Pickwick, your wash-up," said Grum- At this sally another special laughed, and then mer. tried to look so supernaturally solemn, that the mag"Come none o' that'ere, old Strike-a-light," in- istrate detected him immediately. terposed Mr Weller, elbowing himself into the front " Grummer," said Mr. Nupkins, reddening with pasranu. Beg your pardon, sir, but this here officer o' sion," how dare you select such an inefficient and yourn in the gambooge tops'ull never earn a decent disreputable person for a special constable as that livin' as a master o' the ceremonies any vere. This man? How dare you do it, sir?" here, sir," continued Mr. Weller, thrusting Grummer "I am very sorry, your wash-up," stammered aside, and addressing the magistrate with pleasant Grummer. familiarity, "this here is S. Pickvick, Esquire; this "Very sorry!" said the furious magistrate. " You here's Mr. Tupman; that'ere's Mr. Snodgrass; and shall repent of this neglect of duty, Mr. Grummer; furder on, next him on the t'other side, Mr. Winkle- you shall be made an example of. Take that felall wery nice gen'l'm'n, sir, as you'll be wery happy low's staff away. He's drunk. You're drunk, felto have the acquaintance on; so the sooner you com- low." THE WORTHY MAGISTRATE. 149 "I am not drunk, your worship," said the man. sir, of claiming my right to be heard, until I am re"You are drunk," returned the magistrate. " How moved by force." dare you say you are not drunk, sir, when I say you "Pickvick and principle!" exclaimed Mr. Weller, are? Doesn't he smell of spirits, Grummer?" in a very audible voice. "Horrid, your wash-up," replied Grummer, who "Sam, be quiet," said Mr. Pickwick. had a vague impression that there was a smell of "Dumb as a drum vith a hole in it, sir," replied rum somewhere. Sam. "I knew he did," said Mr. Nupkins. "I saw he Mr. Nupkins looked at Mr. Pickwick with a gaze was drunk when he first came into the room, by his of intense astonishment, at his displaying such unexcited eye. Did you observe his excited eye, Mr. wonted temerity; and was apparently about to reJinks?" turn a very angry reply, when Mr. Jinks pulled him "Certainly, sir." by the sleeve, and whispered something in his ear. "I haven't touched a drop of spirits this morning," To this the magistrate returned a half-audible ansaid the man, who was as sober a fellow as need be. swer, and then the whispering was renewed. Jinks " How dare you tell me a falsehood?" said Mr. Nup- was evidently remonstrating. kins. " Isn't he drunk at this moment, Mr. Jinks?" At length the magistrate, gulping down, with a " Certainly, sir," replied Jinks. very bad grace, his disinclination to hear any thing " Mr. Jinks," said the magistrate, "I shall commit more, turned to Mr. Pickwick, and said, sharply, that man for contempt. Make out his committal, "What do you want to say?" Mr. Jinks." "First," said Mr. Pickwick, sending a look through And committed the special would have been, only his spectacles, under which even Nupkins quailed. Jinks, who was the magistrate's adviser (having had " First, I wish to know what I and my friend have a legal education of three years in a country attor- been brought here for?" ney's office) whispered the magistrate that he thought " Must I tell him?" whispered the magistrate to it wouldn't do; so the magistrate made a speech, and Jinks. said, that in consideration of the special's family, he "I think you had better, sir," whispered Jinks to would merely reprimand and discharge him. Ac- the magistrate. cordingly, the special was abused, vehemently, for a "An information has been sworn before me," said quarter of an hour, and sent about his business; and the magistrate, " that it is apprehended you are goGrummer, Dubbley, Muzzle, and all the other specials ing to fight a duel, and that the other man, Tupman, murmured their admiration of the magnanimity of is your aider and abettor in it. Therefore-eh, Mr. Mr. Nupkins. Jinks?" "Now, Mr. Jinks," said the magistrate, "swear "Certainly, sir." Grummer." "Therefore, I call upon you both to-I think Grummer was sworn directly; but as Grummer that's the course, Mr. Jinks?" wandered, and Mr. Nupkins's dinner was nearly " Certainly, sir." ready, Mr. Nupkins cut the matter short, by putting " To-to- what, Mr. Jinks?" said the magistrate, leading questions to Grummer, which Grummer an- pettishly. swered as nearly in the affirmative as he could. So " To find bail, sir." the examination went off, all very smooth and com- "Yes. Therefore, I call upon you both-as I was fortable, and two assaults were proved against Mr. about to say, when I was interrupted by my clerkWeller, and a threat against Mr. Winkle, and a push to find bail." against Mr. Snodgrass. When all this was done to "Good bail," whispered Mr. Jinks. the magistrate's satisfaction, the magistrate and Mr. "I shall require good bail," said the magistrate. Jinks consulted in whispers. "Towns-people," whispered Jinks. The consultation having lasted about ten minutes, "They must be towns-people," said the magistrate. Mr. Jinks retired to his end of the table; and the "Fifty pouuds each," whispered Jinks, "and housemagistrate, with a preparatory cough, drew himself holders, of course." up in his chair, and was proceeding to commence " I shall require two sureties of fifty pounds each," his address, when Mr. Pickwick interposed. said the magistrate aloud, with great dignity, " and " I beg your pardon, sir, for interrupting you," said they must be householders, of course." Mr. Pickwick; " but before you proceed to express, " But, bless my heart, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, who, and act upon, any opinion you may have formed on together with Mr. Tupman, was all amazement and the statements which have been made here, I must indignation; "we are perfect strangers in this town. claim my right to be heard, so far as I am personally I have as little knowledge of any householders here, concerned." as I have intention of fighting a duel with any body." " Hold your tongue, sir," said the magistrate, per- " I dare say," replied the magistrate, " I dare say emptorily. -don't you, Mr. Jinks?" " I must submit to you, sir," said Mr. Pickwick. "Certainly, sir." "Hold your tongue, sir," interposed the magistrate, " Have you any thing more to say I" inquired the " or I shall order an officer to remove you." magistrate. "You may order your officers to do whatever you Mr. Pickwick had a great deal more to say, which please, sir," said Mr. Pickwick; " and I have no doubt, he would no doubt have said, very little to his own from the specimen I have had of the subordination advantage; or the magistrate's satisfaction, if he had preserved among them, that whatever you order, not, the moment he ceased speaking, been pulled by they will execute, sir; but I shall take the liberty, the sleeve by Mr. Weller, with whom he was imme 150 THE PICKWICK CLUB. diately engaged in so earnest a conversation, that he " Two," interrupted Sam. "Mulberry agin all suffered the magistrate's inquiry to pass wholly un- natur, for tears and willainy!" noticed. Mr. Nupkins was not the man to ask a "Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, "if I am to render myquestion of the kind twice over; and so, with an- self intelligible to this gentleman, I must beg you to other preparatory cough, he proceeded, amidst the control your feelings." reverential and admiring silence of the constables, "Werry sorry, sir," replied Mr. Weller; "but when to pronounce his decision. I think o' that ere Job, I can't help opening the He should fine Weller two pounds for the first as- waive a inch or two." sault, and three pounds for the second. He should "In one word, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, "is my fine Winkle two pounds, and Snodgrass one pound, servant right in suspecting that a certain Captain besides requiring them to enter into their own recog- Fitz-Marshall is in the habit of visiting here? Benizances to keep the peace toward all his Majesty's cause," added Mr. Pickwick, as he saw that Mr. Nupsubjects, and especially toward his liege servant, kins was about to offer a very indignant interDaniel Grummer. Pickwick and Tupman he had ruption, "because, if he be, I know that person to already held to bail. be a-" Immediately on the magistrate ceasing to speak, " Hush, hush," said Mr. Nupkins, closing the door. Mr. Pickwick, with a smile mantling on his again "Know him to be what, sir?" good-humored countenance, stepped forward, and "An unprincipled adventurer- a dishonorable said: character-a man who preys upon society, and " I beg the magistrate's pardon, but may I request makes easily-deceived people his dupes, sir; his aba few minutes' private conversation with him, on a surd, his foolish, his wretched dupes, sir," said the matter of deep importance to himself?" excited Mr. Pickwick. " What?" said the magistrate. "Dear me," said Mr. Nupkins, turning very red, Mr. Pickwick repeated his request. and altering his whole manner directly. "Dear " This is a most extraordinary request," said the me, Mr.-" magistrate. "A private interview?" "Pickwick," said Sam. "A private interview," replied Mr. Pickwick, firm- "Pickwick," said the magistrate, "dear me, Mr. ly; " only, as a part of the information which I wish Pickwick-pray take a seat-you can not mean this? to communicate is derived from my servant, I should Captain Fitz-Marshall?" wish him to be present." " Don't call him a cap'en," said Sam, "nor FitzThe magistrate looked at Mr. Jinks; Mr. Jinks Marshall neither; he ain't neither one nor t'other. looked at the magistrate; the officers looked at each He's a strolling actor, he is, and his name's Jingle; other in amazement. Mr. Nupkins turned suddenly and if ever there was a wolf in a mulberry suit, that pale. Could the man Weller, in a moment of re- ere Job Trotter's him." morse, have divulged some secret conspiracy for his "It is very true, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, replying assassination? It was a dreadful thought. He was to the magistrate's look of amazement; "my only a public man: and he turned paler as he thought business in this town is to expose the person of of Julius Caesar and Mr. Perceval. whom we now speak." The magistrate looked at Mr. Pickwick again, and Mr. Pickwick proceeded to pour into the horrorbeckoned Mr. Jinks. stricken ear of Mr. Nupkins an abridged account of "What do you think of this request, Mr. Jinks?" Mr. Jingle's atrocities. He related how he had first murmured Mr. Nupkins. met him; how he had eloped with Miss Wardle; Mr. Jinks, who didn't exactly know what to think how he had cheerfully resigned the lady for a peof it, and was afraid he might offend, smiled feebly, cuniary consideration; how he had entrapped himafter a dubious fashion, and, screwing up the corners self into a lady's boarding-school at midnight; and of his mouth, shook his head slowly from side to side. how he (Mr. Pickwick) now felt it his duty to expose " Mr. Jinks," said the magistrate, gravely, "you his assumption of his present name and rank. are an ass." As the narrative proceeded, all the warm blood in At this little expression of opinion, Mr. Jinks the body of Mr. Nupkins tingled up into the very smiled again-rather more feebly than before-and tips of his ears. He had picked up the captain at a edged himself by degrees back into his own corner. neighboring race-course. Charmed with his long list Mr. Nupkins debated the matter within himself of aristocratic acquaintance, his extensive travel, and for a few seconds, and then, rising from his chair, his fashionable demeanor, Mrs. Nupkins and Miss and requesting Mr. Pickwick and Sam to follow him, Nupkins had exhibited Captain Fitz-Marshall, and led the way into a small room which opened into the quoted Captain Fitz-Marshall, and hurled Captain justice parlor. Desiring Mr. Pickwick to walk to Fitz-Marshall at the devoted heads of their select cirthe upper end of the little apartment, and holding cle of acquaintance, until their bosom friends, Mrs. his hand upon the half-closed door, that he might Porkenham and the Miss Porkenhams, and Mr. Sidbe able to effect an immediate escape, in case there ney Porkenham, were ready to burst with jealousy was the least tendency to a display of hostilities, Mr. and despair. And now to hear, after all, that he Nupkins expressed his readiness to hear the commu- was\ a needy adventurer, a strolling player, and if nication, whatever it might be. not a swindler, something so very like it, that it was "I will come to the point at once, sir," said Mr. hard to tell the difference! Heavens! What would Pickwick; "it affects yourself, and your credit, ma- the Porkenhams say! What would be the triumph terially. I have every reason to believe, sir, that of Mr. Sidney Porkenham when he found that his adyou are harboring in your house a gross impostor!". dresses had been slighted for such a rival! How CLEARLY MR. NUPKINS'S FAULT. 151 should he, Nupkins, meet the eye of old Porkenham thing of the kind; that she had always said it would at the next Quarter Sessions! And what a handle be so; that her advice was never taken; that she would it be for the opposition magisterial party, if really did not know what Mr. Nupkins supposed she the story got abroad! was; and so forth. "But after all," said Mr. Nupkins, brightening for "The idea!" said Miss Nupkins, forcing a tear of a moment, after a long pause; " after all, this is a very scanty proportions into the corner of each eye; mere statement. Captain Fitz-Marshall is a man of "the idea of my being made such a fool of!" very engaging manners, and, I dare say, has many "Ah! you may thank your papa, my dear," said enemies. What proof have you of the truth of these Mrs. Nupkins; "how have I implored and begged representations?" that man to inquire into the Captain's family con"Confront me with him," said Mr. Pickwick, "that nections; how have I urged and entreated him to is all I ask, and all I require. Confront him with take some decisive step! I am quite certain nobody me and my friends here; you will want no further would believe it-quite." proof." "But, my dear," said Mr. Nupkins. "Why," said Mr. Nupkins, " that might be very "Don't talk to me, you aggravating thing, don't!" easily done, for he will be here to-night, and then said Mrs. Nupkins. there would be no occasion to make the matter pub- "My love," said Mr. Nupkins, "you professed yourlic, just-just-for the young man's own sake, you self very fond of Captain Fitz-Marshall. You have know. I-I-should like to consult Mrs. Nupkins constantly asked him here, my dear, and you have on the propriety of the step, in the first instance, lost no opportunity of introducing him elsewhere." though. At all events, Mr. Pickwick, we must dis- "Didn't I say so, Henrietta?" cried Mrs. Nupkins, patch this legal business before we can do any thing appealing to her daughter, with the air of a muchelse. Pray step back into the next room." injured female. " Didn't I say that your papa would Into the next room they went. turn round and lay all this at my door? Didn't I "Grummer," said the magistrate, in an awful say so?" Here Mrs. Nupkins sobbed. voice. "Oh pa!" remonstrated Miss Nupkins. And here " Your wash-up," replied Grummer, with the smile she sobbed too. of a favorite. " Isn't it too much, when he has brought all this " Come, come, sir," said the magistrate, sternly, disgrace and ridicule upon us, to taunt me with being " don't let me see any of this levity here. It is very the cause of it?" exclaimed Mrs. Nupkins. unbecoming, and I can assure you that you have very "How can we ever show ourselves in society!" little to smile at. Was the account you gave me said Miss Nupkins. just now strictly true? Now be careful, sir?" "How can we face the Porkenhams!" cried Mrs. " Your wash-up," stammered Grummer, "I —" Nupkins. " Oh, you are confused, are you?" said the magis- "Or the Griggs's!" cried Miss Nupkins. trate. "Mr. Jinks, you observe this confusion?" "Or the Slummintowkens!" cried Mrs. Nupkins. " Certainly, sir," replied Jinks. " But what does your papa care! What is it to him!" " Now," said the magistrate, "repeat your state- At this dreadful reflection, Mrs. Nupkins wept with ment, Grummer, and again I warn you to be careful. mental anguish, and Miss Nupkins followed on the Mr. Jinks, take his words down." same side. The unfortunate Grummer proceeded to restate Mrs. Nupkins's tears continued to gush forth, with his complaint, but, what between Mr. Jinks's taking great velocity, until she had gained a little time to down his words, and the magistrate's taking them think the matter over: when she decided, in her up;;is natural tendency to rambling, and his ex- own mind, that the best thing to do would be to ask treme confusion; he managed to get involved, in Mr. Pickwick and his friends to remain until the something under three minutes, in such a mass of Captain's arrival, and then to give Mr. Pickwick the entanglement and contradiction, that Mr. Nupkins opportunity he sought. If it appeared that he had at once declared he didn't believe him. So the fines spoken truly, the Captain could be turned out of the were remitted, and Mr. Jinks found a couple of bail house without noising the matter abroad, and they in no time. And all these solemn proceedings hav- could easily account to the Porkenhams for his dising been satisfactorily concluded, Mr. Grummer was appearance, by saying that he had been appointed, ignominiously ordered out-an awful instance of the through the Court influence of his family, to the instability of human greatness, and the uncertain Governor-Generalship of Sierra Leone, or Sangur tenure of great men's favor. Point, or any other of those salubrious climates which Mrs. Nupkins was a majestic female in a pink enchant Europeans so much that when they once gauze turban and a light brown wig. Miss Nupkins get there, they can hardly ever prevail upon thempossessed all her mamma's haughtiness without the selves to come back again. turban, and all her ill-nature without the wig; and When Mrs. Nupkins dried up her tears, Miss Nupwhenever the exercise of these two amiable qualities kins dried up hers, and Mr. Nupkins was very glad to involved mother and daughter in some unpleasant settle the matter as Mrs. Nupkins had proposed. So dilemma, as they not unfrequently did, they both Mr. Pickwick and his friends, having washed off all concurred in laying the blame on the shoulders of marks of their late encounter, were introduced to the Mr. Nupkins. Accordingly, when Mr.Nupkins sought ladies, and soon afterward to their dinner; and Mr. Mrs. Nupkins, and detailed the communication which Weller, whom the magistrate, with his peculiar sa-'had been made by Mr. Pickwick, Mrs. Nupkins sud- gacity, had discovered in half an hour to be one of denly recollected that she had always expected some- the finest fellows alive, was consigned to the care and 152 THE PICKWICK CLUB. guardianship of Mr. Muzzle, who was specially en- kitchen to titter, for ten minutes; then returning, joined to take him below, and make much of him. all giggles and blushes, they sat down to dinner. " How de do, sir?" said Mr. Muzzle, as he conduct- Mr. Weller's easy manners and conversational powed Mr. Weller down the kitchen stairs. ers had such irresistible influence with his new "Why, no con-siderable change has taken place friends, that before the dinner was half over, they in the state of my system, since I see you cocked up were on footing of perfect intimacy, and in possesbehind your governor's chair in the parlor, a little sion of a full account of the delinquency of Job Trotvile ago," replied Sam. ter. "You will excuse my not taking more notice of "I never could a-bear that Job," said Mary. you then," said Mr. Muzzle. " You see, masler hadn't "No more you never ought to, my dear," replied introduced us, then. Lord, how fond he is of you, Mr. Weller. Mr. Weller, to be sure!" "Why not?" inquired Mary. "Ah," said Sam, " what a pleasant chap he is!" "Cos ugliness and svindlin' never ought to be for"Ain't he?" replied Mr. Muzzle. miliar vith elegance and wirtew," replied Mr. Weller. "So much humor," said Sam. "Ought they, Mr. Muzzle t" "And such a man to speak," said Mr. Muzzle. "Not by no means," replied that gentleman. "How his ideas flow, don't they?" Here Mary laughed, and said the cook had made "Wonderful," replied Sam; "they comes a-pour- her; and the cook laughed, and said she hadn't. ing out, knocking each other's heads so fast, that " I ha'n't got a glass," said Mary. they seems to stun one another; you hardly know " Drink with me, my dear," said Mr. Weller. " Put what he's arter, do you?" your lips to this here tumbler, and then I can kiss " That's the great merit of his style of speaking," you by deputy." rejoined Mr. Muzzle. "Take care of the last step, "For shame, Mr. Weller!" said Mary.Mr. Weller. Would you like to wash your hands, "What's a shame, my dear?" sir, before we join the ladies? Here's a sink, with "Talkin' in that way." the water laid on, sir, and a clean jack-towel behind "Nonsense; it ain't no harm. It's natur; ain't it, the door." cook?" "Ah! perhaps I may as well have a rinse," replied " Don't ask me, imperence," replied the cook in a Mr. Weller, applying plenty of yellow soap to the high state of delight; and hereupon the cook and towel, and rubbing away till his face shone again. Mary laughed again, till what between the beer, and "How many ladies are there?" the cold meat, and the laughter combined, the latter " Only two in our kitchen," said Mr. Muzzle, " cook young lady was brought to the verge of chokingand'ouse-maid. We keep a boy to do the dirty work, an alarming crisis from which she was only recovand a gal besides, but they dine in the washus." ered by sundry pats on the back, and other necessary " Oh, they dines in the washus, do they?" said Mr. attentions, most delicately administered by Mr. SamWeller. uel Weller. "Yes," replied Mr. Muzzle, "we tried'em at our In the midst of all this jollity and conviviality, a table when they first come, but we couldn't keep'em. loud ring was heard at the garden-gate: to which The gal's manners is dreadful vulgar; and the boy the young gentleman who took his meals in the breathes so very hard while he's eating, that we wash-house immediately responded. Mr. Weller was found it impossible to sit at table with him." in the height of his attentions to the pretty house" Young grampus!" said Mr. Weller. maid; Mr. Muzzle was busy doing the honors of the " Oh, dreadful," rejoined Mr. Muzzle; " but that is table; and the cook had just paused to laugh, in the the worst of country service, Mr. Weller; the juniors very act of raising a huge morsel to her lips; when is always so very savage. This way, sir,ifyou please; the kitchen door opened, and in walked Mr. Job this way." Trotter. Preceding Mr. Weller, with the utmost politeness, We have said in walked Mr. Job Trotter, but the Mr. Muzzle conducted him into the kitchen. statement is not distinguished by our usual scrupu" Mary," said Mr. Muzzle to the pretty servant- lous adherence to fact. The door opened and Mr. girl, "this is Mr. Weller: a gentleman as master has Trotter appeared. He would have walked in, and sent down, to be made as comfortable as possible." was in the very act of doing so, indeed, when, catch" And your master's a knowin' hand, and has just ing sight of Mr. Weller, he involuntarily shrank back sent me,to the right place," said Mr. Weller, with a a pace or two, and stood gazing on the unexpected glance of admiration at Mary. " If I wos master o' scene before him, perfectly motionless with amazethis here house, I should alvays find the materials ment and terror. for comfort vere Mary wos." "Here he is!" said Sam, rising with great glee. "Lor, Mr. Weller!" said Mary, blushing. " Why we were that wery moment a-speaking o' you. "Well, I never!" ejaculated the cook. How are you? Where have you been? Come in." " Bless me, cook, I forgot you," said Mr. Muzzle. Laying his hand on the mulberry collar of the un"Mr. Weller, let me introduce you." resisting Job, Mr. Weller dragged him into the kitch"How are you, ma'am," said Mr. Weller. "Werry en; and, locking the door, handed the key to Mr. glad to see you, indeed, and hope our acquaintance Muzzle, who very coolly buttoned it up in a sidemay be a long'un, as the gen'l'm'n said to the fi'-pun' pocket. note." " Well, here's a game!" cried Sam. " Only think When this ceremony of introduction had been gone o' my master havin' the pleasure o' meeting yourn through, the cook and Mary retired into the back up stairs, and me havii' the joy o' meetin' you down MR. WELLER BELOW STAIRS. 153 here. How are yor gettin' on, and how is the chand- But Mr. Trotter made no reply. So Mr. Muzzle lery bis'ness likely to do? Well, I am so glad to see proceeded in a solemn manner: you. How happy you look. It's quite a treat to "It's very probable, sir, that you won't be wanted see you; ain't it, Mr. Muzzle?" up stairs for several minutes, sir, because my master "Quite," said Mr. Muzzle. is at this moment particularly engaged in settling "So cheerful he is!" said Sam. the hash of your master, sir; and therefore you'll "In such good spirits!" said Muzzle. have leisure, sir, for a little private talk with me, sir. "And so glad to. see us-that makes it so much Do you understand me, sir?" more comfortable," said Sam. " Sit down; sit down." Mr. Muzzle again paused for a reply; and again Mr. Trotter suffered himself to be forced into a Mr. Trotter disappointed him. chair by the fireside. He cast his small eyes, first on "Well, then," said Mr. Muzzle, "I'm very sorry to Mr. Weller, and then on Mr. Muzzle, but said nothing. have to explain myself before ladies, but the urgen"Well, now," said Sam, "afore these here ladies, I cy of the case will be my excuse. The back kitchshould jest like to ask you, as a sort of curiosity, en's empty, sir. If you will step in there, sir, Mr. wether you don't con-sider yourself as nice and well- Weller will see fair, and we can have mutual satisbehaved a young genTl'm'n as ever used a pink check faction till the bell rings. Follow me, sir!".-e /~ \ "WELL, NOW," SAID SAM. pocket-handkerchief, and the number four collec- As Mr. Muzzle uttered these words, he took a step tion?" or two toward the door; and, by way of saving time, "And as was ever agoin' to be married to a cook," began to pull off his coat as he walked along. said that lady indignantly. "The willin!" Now the cook no sooner heard the concluding "And leave off his evil ways, and set up in the words of this desperate challenge, and saw Mr. Muzchandlery line arterwards," said the house-maid. zle about to put it into execution, than she uttered "Now I'll tell you what it is, young man," said a loud and piercing shriek, and rushing on Mr. Job Mr. Muzzle, solemnly, enraged at the last tyo allu- Trotter, who rose from his chair on the instant, tore sions, "this here lady" (pointing to the cook) "keeps and. buffeted his large flat face with an energy pecompany with me; and when you presume, sir, to culiar to excited females, and twining her hands in talk of keeping chandlers' shops with her, you injure his long black hair, tore therefrom about enough me in one of the most delicatest points in which one to make five or six dozen of the very largest-sized man can injure another. Do you understand me, mourning-rings. Having accomplished this feat sir?" with all the ardor which her devoted love for Mr. Here Mr. Muzzle, who had a great notion of his Muzzle inspired, she staggered back; and being a eloquence, in which he imitated his master, paused lady of very excitable and delicate feelings, she infor a reply. stantly fell under the dresser, and fainted away. 154 THE PICKWICK CLUB. At this moment the bell rang. "I say," said Mr. Pickwick, growing gradually "That's for you, Job Trotter," said Sam; and be- angry, " that I might have taken a greater revenge, fore Mr. Trotter could offer remonstrance or reply- but I content myself with exposing you, which I even before he had time to staunch the wounds in- consider a duty I owe to society. This is a lenienflicted by the insensible lady-Sam seized one arm cy, sir, which I hope you will remember." and Mr. Muzzle the other; and one pulling before, When Mr. Pickwick arrived at this point, Job and the other pushing behind, they conveyed him Trotter, with facetious gravity, applied his hand to up stairs, and into the parlor. his ear, as if desirous not to lose a syllable he utIt was an impressive tableau. Alfred Jingle, Es- tered. quire, alias Captain Fitz-Marshall, was standing near "And I have only to add, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, the door with his hat in his hand, and a smile on his now thoroughly angry, "that I consider you a rascal, face, wholly unmoved by his very unpleasant situ- and a-a ruffian-and-and worse than any man I ation. Confronting him, stood Mr. Pickwick, who ever saw, or heard of, except that pious and sanctihad evidently been inculcating some high moral les- fied vagabond in the mulberry livery." son; for his left hand was beneath his coat-tail, and "Ha! ha!" said Jingle, "good fellow, Pickwickhis right extended in air, as was his wont when de- fine heart-stout old boy-but must not be passionlivering himself of an impressive address. At a lit- ate-bad thing, very-by-by-see you again some tle distance stood Mr. Tupman, with indignant coun- day-keep up your spirits-now, Job-trot!" tenance, carefully held back by his two younger With these words, Mr. Jingle stuck on his hat in friends; at the farther end of the room were Mr. the old fashion, and strode out of the room. Job Nupkins, Mrs. Nupkins, and Miss Nupkins, gloomily Trotter paused, looked round, smiled, and then with grand, and savagely vexed. a bow of mock solemnity to Mr. Pickwick, and a " What prevents me," said Mr. Nupkins, with mag- wink to Mr. Weller, the audacious slyness of which isterial dignity, as Job was brought in: " what pre- baffles all description, followed the footsteps of his vents me from detaining these men as rogues and hopeful master. impostors? It is a foolish mercy. What prevents "Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. as Mr. Weller was folme?" lowing. "Pride, old fellow, pride," replied Jingle, quite at "Sir." his ease. "Wouldn't do-no go-caught a captain, "Stay here." eh?-ha! ha! very good-husband for daughter- Mr. Weller seemed uncertain. biter bit-make it public-not for worlds-look stu- " Stay here," repeated Mr. Pickwick. pid-very!" "Mayn't I polish that ere Job off in the front gar-'" Wretch," said Mrs. Nupkins, "we scorn your base den?" said Mr. Weller. insinuations." "Certainly not," replied Mr. Pickwick. " I always hated him," added Henrietta. "Mayn't I kick him out o' the gate, sir?" said Mr. " Oh, of course," said Jingle. " Tall young man- Weller. old lover-Sidney Porkenham-rich-fine fellow- "Not on any account," replied his master. not so rich as captain, though?-turn him away- For the first time since his engagement, Mr. Weloff with him-any thing for captain-nothing like ler looked for a moment discontented and unhappy. captain anywhere-all the girls-raving mad-eh, But his countenance immediately cleared up; for Job?" the wily Mr. Muzzle, by concealing himself behind Here Mr. Jingle laughed very heartily; and Job, the street door, and rushing violently out at the rubbing his hands with delight, uttered the first right instant, contrived with great dexterity to oversound he had given vent to since he entered the turn both Mr. Jingle and his attendant, down the house-a low noiseless chuckle, which seemed to in- flight of steps, into the American aloe tubs that timate that he enjoyed his laugh too much, to let stood beneath. any of it escape in sound. " Having discharged my duty, sir," said Mr. Pick" Mr. Nupkins," said the elder lady, " this is not a wick to Mr. Nupkins, "I will, with my friends, bid fit conversation for the servants to overhear. Let you farewell. While we thank you for such hospithese wretches be removed." tality as we have received, permit me to assure you, "Certainly, my dear," said Mr. Nupkins. "Muz- in our joint names, that we should not have accepted zle!" it, or have consented to extricate ourselves in this "Your worship." way, from our previous dilemma, had we not been "Open the front door." impelled by a strong sense of duty. We return to "Yes, your worship." London to-morrow. Your secret is safe with us." "Leave the house!" said Mr. Nupkins, waving his Having thus entered his protest against their hand emphatically. treatment of the morning, Mr. Pickwick bowed low Jingle smiled, and moved toward the door. to the ladies, and notwithstanding the solicitations " Stay!" said Mr. Pickwick. of the family, left the room with his friends. Jingle stopped. "Get your hat, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. "I might," said Mr. Pickwick, "have taken a "It's below stairs, sir," said Sam, and he ran down much greater revenge for the treatment I have ex- after it. perienced at your hands, and that of your hypocrit- Now, there was nobody in the kitchen but the ical friend there." pretty house-maid; and as Sam's hat was mislaid, he Job Trotter bowed with great politeness, and laid had to look for it; and the pretty house-maid lighted his hand upon his heart. him. They had to look all over the place for the hat. MR. PICKWICK'S RESOLUTION. 155 The pretty house-maid, in her anxiety to find it, went their several homes to make such preparations as down on her knees, and turned over all the things might be requisite for their forthcoming visit to that were heaped together in a little corner by the Dingley Dell; and Mr. Pickwick and Sam took up door. It was an awkward corner. You couldn't their present abode in very good, old-fashioned, and get at it without shutting the door first. comfortable quarters: to wit, the George and Vul"Here it is," said the pretty house-maid. " This ture Tavern and Hotel, George Yard, Lombard Street. is it, ain't it " Mr. Pickwick had dined, finished his second pint " Let me look," said Sam. of particular port, pulled his silk handkerchief over The pretty house-maid had stood the candle on the his head, put his feet on the fender, and thrown himfloor; as it gave a very dim light, Sam was obliged self back in an easy-chair, when the entrance of Mr. to go down on his knees before he could see whether Weller with his carpet-bag aroused him from his it really was his own hat or not. It was a remark- tranquil meditations. ably small corner, and so-it was nobody's fault " Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. but the man's who built the house-Sam and the " Sir," said Mr. Weller. pretty house-maid were necessarily very close to- "I have just been thinking, Sam," said Mr. Pickgether. wick, "that having left a good many things at Mrs. "Yes, this is it,?' said Sam. " Good-bye!'.' Bardell's, in Goswell Street, I ought to arrange for "Good-bye!" said the pretty house-maid. taking them away before I leave town again." "Good-bye!" said Sam; and as he said it, he drop- "Wery good, sir," replied Mr. Weller. ped the hat that had cost so much trouble in looking "I could send them to Mr. Tupman's, for the presfor. ent, Sam," continued Mr. Pickwick, "but before we "How awkward you are," said the pretty house- take them away, it is necessary that they should be maid. " You'll lose it again, if you don't take care." looked up, and put together. I wish you would step So, just to prevent his losing it again, she put it up to Goswell Street, Sam, and arrange about it." on for him. "At once, sir?" inquired Mr. Weller. Whether it was that the pretty house-maid's face "At once," replied Mr. Pickwick. "And stay, looked prettier still, when it was raised toward Sam," added Mr. Pickwick, pulling out his purse, Sam's, or whether it was the accidental consequence "there is some rent to pay. The quarter is not due of their being so near to each other, is matter of un- till Christmas, but you may pay it, and have done certainty to this day; but Sam kissed her. with it. A month's notice terminates my tenancy. " You don't mean to say you did that on purpose," Here it is, written out. Give it, and tell Mrs. Barsaid the pretty house-maid, blushing. dell she may put a bill up as soon as she likes." "No, I didn't then," said Sam; "but I will now." "Wery good, sir," replied Mr. Weller; "any thin' So he kissed her again. more, sir?" " Sam!" said Mr. Pickwick, calling over the ban- "Nothing more, Sam." isters. Mr. Weller stepped slowly to the door, as if he "Coming, sir," replied Sam, running up stairs. expected something more; slowly opened it, slowly "How long you have been!" said Mr. Pickwick. stepped out, and had slowly closed it within a couple " There was something behind the door, sir, which of inches, when Mr. Pickwick called out, perwented our getting it open, for ever so long, sir," " Sam." replied Sam. " Sir," said Mr. Weller, stepping quickly back, and And this was the first passage of Mr. Weller's first closing the door behind him. love. " I have no objection, Sam, to your endeavoring to * --- — ascertain how Mrs. Bardell herself seems disposed toward me, and whether it is really probable that this CHAPTER XXVI. vile and groundless action is to be carried to extremity. I say I do not object to your doing this, if you WHICH CONTAINS A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PROG- wish it Sam sid Mr Pickwik. wish it, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. RESS OF THE ACTION OF BARDELL AGAINST PICK- Sam RESS OF THE ACTION OF BARDELL AGAINST PICK- Sam gave a short nod of intelligence, and left the'~~~WI ~CK~~. ~room. Mr. Pickwick drew the silk handkerchief HAVING accomplished the main end and object once more over his head, and composed himself for a of his journey, by the exposure of Jingle, Mr. nap. Mr. Weller promptly walked forth, to execute Pickwick resolved on immediately returning to Lon- his mission. don, with the view of becoming acquainted with the It was nearly nine o'clock when he reached Gosproceedings which had been taken against him, in well Street. A couple of candles were burning in the mean time, by Messrs. Dodson and Fogg. Act- the little front parlor, and a couple of caps were reing upon this resolution with all the energy and de- fiected on the window-blind. Mrs. Bardell had got cision of his character, he mounted to the back seat company. of the first coach which left Ipswich on the morning Mr. Weller knocked at the door, and after a pretty after the memorable occurrences detailed at length long interval- occupied by the party without, in in the two preceding chapters; and accompanied by whistling a tune, and by the party within, in perhis three friends, and Mr. Samuel Weller, arrived in suading a refractory flat candle to allow itself to be the metropolis, in perfect health and safety, the same lighted - a pair of small boots pattered over the evening. floor-cloth, and Master Bardell presented himself. Here the friends, for a short time, separated. "Well, young townskip," said Sam, "how's mothMessrs. Tupman, Winkle, and Snodgrass repaired to er?" 156 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "She's pretty well," replied Master Bardell; " so lady when he put her on the fire'; but as me and my am I." governor's only jest come to town, and is jest going " Well, that's a mercy," said Sam; " tell her I want away agin, it can't be helped, you see." to speak to her, will you, my hinfant fernomenon?" "Of course, the yolng man can't help the faults Master Bardell, thus adjured, placed the refractory of his master," said Mrs. Cluppins, much struck by flat candle on the bottom stair, and vanished into Mr. Weller's appearance and Conversation. the front parlor with his message. "Certainly not," chimed in Mrs. Sanders, who, The two caps, reflected on the window-blind, were from certain wistful glances at the little tin saucethe respective head-dresses of a couple of Mrs. Bar- pan, seemed to be engaged in a mental calculation dell's most particular acquaintance, who had just of the probable extent of the pettitoes, in the event stepped in, to have a quiet cup of tea, and a little of Sam's being asked to stop to supper. warm supper of a couple of sets of pettitoes and "So all I've come about, is jest this here," said some toasted cheese. The cheese was simmering and Sam, disregarding the interruption; "first, to give browning away, most delightfully, in a little Dutch my governor's notice-there it is. Secondly, to pay oven before the fire; the pettitoes were getting on the rent-here it is. Thirdly, to say as all his things deliciously in a little tin saucepan on the hob; and is to be put together, and give to any body as we Mrs. Bardell and her two friends were getting on sends for.'em. Fourthly, that you may let the place very well, also, in a little quiet conversation about as soon as you like-and that's all." and concerning all their particular friends and ac- "Whatever has happened," said Mrs. Bardell, "I quaintance; when Master Bardell came back from always have said, and always will say, that in every answering the door, and delivered the message in- respect but one Mr. Pickwick has always behaved trusted to him by Mr. Samuel Weller. himself like a perfect gentleman. His money al" Mr. Pickwick's servant!" said Mrs. Bardell, turn- ways was as good as the bank: always." ing pale. As Mrs. Bardell said this, she applied her handker"Bless my soul!" said Mrs. Cluppins. chief to her eyes, and went out of the room to get "Well, I raly would not ha' believed it, unless I the receipt. had ha' happened to ha' been here!" said Mrs. Sanders. Sam well knew that he had only to remain quiet, Mrs. Cluppius was a little, brisk, busy-looking and the women were sure to talk; so he looked alwoman; Mrs. Sanders was a big, fat, heavy-faced ternately at the tin saucepan, the toasted cheese, personage; and the two were the company. the wall, and the ceiling, in profound silence. Mrs. Bardell felt it proper to be agitated; and as "Poor dear!' said Mrs. Cluppins. none of the three exactly knew whether, under ex- "Ah, poor thing!" replied Mrs. Sanders. isting circumstances, any communication, otherwise Sam said nothing. He saw they were coming to than through Dodson and Fogg, ought to be held the subject. with Mr. Pickwick's servant, they were all rather "I raly can not contain myself," said Mrs. Cluptaken by surprise. In this state of indecision, obvi- pins, "when I think of such perjury. I don't wish ously the first thing to be done was to thump the to say any thing to make you uncomfortable, young boy for finding Mr. Weller at the door. So his moth- man, but your master's an old brute, and I wish I er thumped him, and he cried melodiously. had him here to tell him so." "Hold your noise - do- you naughty creetur!" "I wish you had," said Sam. said Mrs. Bardell. "To see how dreadful she takes on, going moping "Yes; don't worrit your poor mother," said Mrs. about, and taking no pleasure in nothing, except Sanders. when her friends comes in, out of charity, to sit " She's quite enough to worrit her, as it is, without with her, and make her comfortable," resumed Mrs. you, Tommy," said Mrs. Cluppins, with sympathizing Cluppius, glancing at the tin saucepan, and the resignation. Dutch oven, " it's shocking!" "Ah! worse luck, poor lamb!" said Mrs. Sanders. "Barbareous," said Mrs. Sanders. At all which moral reflections,'Master Bardell "And your master, young man! A gentleman howled the louder. with money, as could never feel the expense of a " Now, what shall I do?" said Mrs. Bardell to Mrs. wife no more than nothing," continued Mrs. ClupCluppins. pins, with great volubility; " why there ain't the "I think you ought to see him," replied Mrs. Clup- faintest shade of an excuse for his behavior! Why pins. "But on no account without a witness." don't he marry her?" "I think two witnesses would be more lawful," "Ah," said Sam, "to be sure; that's the question." said Mrs. Sanders, who, like the other friend, was "Question, indeed,"retorted Mrs. Cluppins; "she'd bursting with curiosity. question him, if she'd my spirit. Hows'ever, there is "Perhaps he'd better come in here," said Mrs. law for us women, mis'rable creeturs as they'd make. Bardell. us, if they could; and that your master will find out, " To be sure," replied Mrs. Cluppins, eagerly catch- young man, to his cost, afore he's six months older." ing at the idea; "walk in, young man; and shut At this consolatory reflection, Mrs. Cluppins brithe street door first, please." dled up, and smiled at Mrs. Sanders, who smiled Mr. Weller immediately took the hint; and pre- back again. senting himself in the parlor, explained his business " The action's going on, and no mistake," thought to Mrs. Bardell thus: Sam, as Mrs. Bardell re-entered with the receipt. "Werry sorry to'casion any personal inconwen- " Here's the receipt, Mr. Weller," said Mrs. Bardell, ience, ma'am, as the house-breaker said to the old "and here's the change, and I hope you'll take a lit SAM AT MRS. BARDELL'S. 157 tie drop of something to keep the cold out, if it's only ceed. I don't know what I should do, Mr. Weller, if for old acquaintance' sake, Mr. Weller." I didn't." Sam saw the advantage he should gain, and at The mere idea of Mrs. Bardell's failing in her aconce acquiesced; whereupon Mrs. Bardell produced, tion, affected Mrs. Sanders so deeply, that she was from a small closet, a black bottle and a wine-glass; under the necessity of refilling and re-emptying her and so great was her abstraction, in her deep men- glass immediately; feeling, as she said afterward, tal affliction, that, after filling Mr. Weller's glass, she that if she hadn't had the presence of mind to do so, brought out three more wine-glasses, and filled them she must have dropped. too. " Ven is it expected to come on?" inquired Sam. "Lauk, Mrs. Bardell," said Mrs. Cluppins, " see "Either in February or March," replied Mrs. Barwhat you've been and done!" dell. " Well, that is a good one!" ejaculated Mrs. Sanders. "What a number of witnesses there'll be, won't " Ah, my poor head!" said Mrs. Bardell, with a there?" said Mrs. Cluppins. faint smile. "Ah, won't there!" replied Mrs. Sanders. Sam understood all this, of course, so he said at "And won't Mr. Dodson and Fogg be wild if the "I SUPPOSE YOU'VE IIEARD WHAT'S GOING FORWARD, MR. WELLER?" SAID MRS. BARDELL. once, that he never could drink before supper, unless plaintiff shouldn't get it?" added Mrs. Cluppins, a lady drank with him. A great deal of laughing "when they do it all on speculation!" ensued, and Mrs. Sanders volunteered to humor him, "Ah! won't they!" said Mrs. Sanders. so she took a slight sip out of her glass. Then, Sam "But the plaintiff must get it," resumed Mrs. said it must go all round, so they all took a slight Cluppins. sip. Then, little Mrs. Cluppins proposed as a toast, "I hope so," said Mrs. Bardell. "Success to Bardell agin Pickwick;" and then the "Oh, there can't be any doubt about it," rejoined ladies emptied their glasses in honor of the senti- Mrs. Sanders. ment, and got very talkative directly. "Veil," said Sam, rising and setting down his glass, " I suppose you've heard what's going forward, "all I can say is, that I wish you may get it." Mr. Weller?" said Mrs. Bardell." Thank'ee, Mr. Weller," said Mrs. Bardellfervently. "I've heerd somethin' on it," replied Sam. "And of them Dodson and Foggs, as does these "It's a terrible thing to be dragged before the sort o' things on spec," continued Mr. Weller, "as public in that way, Mr. Weller," said Mrs. Bardell; well as for the other kind and gen'rous people o' the " but I see now, that it's the only thing I ought to same purfession, as sets people by the ears, free gratis do, and my lawyers, Mr. Dodson and Fogg, tell me, for nothin', and sets their clerks to work to find out that with the evidence as we shall call, we must suc- little disputes among their neighbors and acquaint 158 THE PICKWICK CLUB. ances as vants settlin' by means o' lawsuits-all I "Wery, sir," replied Mr. Weller; "if ever I wantcan say o' them is, that I vish they had the revard ed any thin' o' my father, I always asked for it in a I'd give'em." wery'spectful and obligin' manner. If he didn't "Ah, I wish they had the reward that every kind give it me, I took it, for fear I should be led to do and generous heart would be inclined to bestow any thin' wrong, through not havin' it. I saved him upon them!" said the gratified Mrs. Bardell. a world o' trouble in this vay, sir." " Amen to that," replied Sam, " and a fat and hap- "That's not precisely what I meant, Sam," said py livin' they'd get out of it! Wish you good-night, Mr. Pickwick, shaking his head, with a slight smile. ladies." "All good feelin', sir-the wery best intentions, To the great relief of Mrs. Sanders, Sam was allow- as the gen'l'm'n said ven he run away from his wife ed to depart without any reference, on the part of'cos she seemed unhappy with him," replied Mr. Welthe hostess, to the pettitoes and toasted cheese: to ler. which the ladies, with such juvenile assistance as "You may go, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. Master Bardell could afford soon afterward render- "Thank'ee, sir," replied Mr. Weller; and having ed the amplest justice-indeed they wholly vanished made his best bow, and put on his best clothes, Sam before their strenuous exertions. planted himself on the top of the Arundel coach, and Mr. Weller went his way back to the George and journeyed on to Dorking. Vulture, and faithfully recounted to his master such The Marquis of Granby in Mrs. Weller's time was indications of the sharp practice of Dodson and Fogg quite a model of a road-side public-house of the betas he had contrived to pick up in his visit to Mrs. ter class-just large enough to be convenient, and Bardell's. An interview with Mr. Perker, next day, small enough to be snug. On the opposite side of more than confirmed Mr. Weller's statement; and the road was a large sign-board on a high post, repMr. Pickwick was fain to prepare for his Christmas resenting the head and shoulders of a gentleman visit to Dingley Dell, with the pleasant anticipation with an apoplectic countenance, in a red coat with that some two or three months afterward, an action deep blue facings, and a touch of the same blue over brought against him for damages sustained by rea- his three-cornered hat, for a sky. Over that again son of a breach of promise of marriage, would be were a pair of flags; beneath the last button of his publicly tried in the Court of Common Pleas; the coat were a couple of cannon; and the whole formed plaintiff having all the advantages derivable, not an expressive and undoubted likeness of the Marquis only from the force of circumstances, but from the of Granby of glorious memory. sharp practice of Dodson and Fogg to boot. The bar window displayed a choice collection of ff geranium-plants, and a well-dusted row of spirit* — -phials. The open shutters bore a variety of golden inscriptions, eulogistic of good beds and neat wines; CHAPTER XXVII. and the choice group of countrymen and'hostlers SAMUL WEER MAKES A PIGRIMAG TO ORK lounging about the stable-door and horse-trough, afSAMUEAND BEHOLDLLEM S MOTHER-IN-LAWG TO DO forded presumptive proof of the excellent quality of AND BEHOLDS HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW. the ale and spirits which were sold within. Sam THERE still remaining an interval of two days Weller paused, when he dismounted from the coach, before the time agreed upon for the departure to note all these little indications of a thriving busiof the Pickwickians to Dingley Dell, Mr. Weller sat ness, with the eye of an experienced traveler; and himself down in a back room at the George and Vul- having done so, stepped in at once, highly satisfied ture, after eating an early dinner, to muse on the with every thing he had observed. best why of disposing of his time. It was a remark- "Now, then!" said a shrill female voice, the inably fine day; and he had not turned the matter stant Sam thrust his head in at the door, "what do over in his mind ten minutes, when he was suddenly you want, young man?" stricken filial and affectionate; and it occurred to Sam looked round in the direction whence the him so strongly that he ought to go down and see voice proceeded. It came from a rather stout lady his father, and pay his duty to his mother-in-law, of comfortable appearance, who was seated beside that he was lost in astonishment at his own remiss- the fire-place in the bar, blowing the fire to make the ness in never thinking of this moral obligation be- kettle boil for tea. She was not alone; for on the fore. Anxious to atone for his past neglect without other side of the fire-place, sitting bolt upright in a another hour's delay, he straightway walked up stairs high-backed chair, was a man in threadbare black to Mr. Pickwick, and requested leave of absence for clothes, with a back almost as long and stiff as that this laudable purpose. of the chair itself, who caught Sam's most particular "Certainly, Sam, certainly," said Mr. Pickwick, his and especial attention at once. eyes glistening with delight at this manifestation of He was a prim-faced, red-nosed man, with a long, filial feeling on the part of his attendant; " certain- thin countenance, and a semi-rattlesnalke sort of eye ly, Sam." -rather sharp, but decidedly bad. He wore very Mr. Weller made a grateful bow. short trowsers, and black-cotton stockings, which, " I am very glad to see that you have so high a like the rest of his apparel, were particularly rusty. sense of your duties as a son, Sam," said Mr. Pick- His looks were starched, but his white neckerchief wick. was not, and its long limp ends straggled over his "I always had, sir," replied Mr. Weller. closely-buttoned waistcoat in a very uncouth and "That's a very gratifying reflection, Sam," said unpicturesque fashion. A pair of old, worn beaver Mr. Pickwick, approvingly. gloves, a broad-brimmed hat, and a faded green um THE DEPUTY SHEPHERD. 159 brella, with plenty of whalebone sticking through shriller tone, that he became conscious of the improthe bottom, as if to counterbalance the want of a priety of his behavior. handle at the top, lay on a chair beside him, and, "Governor in?" inquired Sam, in reply to the quesbeing disposed in a very tidy and careful manner, tion. seemed to imply that the red-nosed man, who- "No, he isn't," replied Mrs. Weller; for the rathever he was, had no intention of going away in a er stout lady was no other than the quondam relict hurry. and sole executrix of the dead-and-gone Mr. Clarke; To do the red-nosed man justice, he would have "no, he isn't, and I don't expect him, either." been very far from wise if he had entertained any "I suppose he's a-drivin' up to-day?" said Sam. such intention; for, to judge from all appearances, "He may be, or he may not," replied Mrs. Weller, he must have been possessed of a most desirable cir- buttering the round of toast which the red - nosed cle of acquaintance, if he could have reasonably ex- man had just finished. "I don't know, and, what's pected to be more comfortable anywhere else. The more, I don't care. Ask a blessin', Mr. Stiggins." fire was blazing brightly under the influence of the The red - nosed man did as he was desired, and bellows, and the kettle was singing gayly under the instantly commenced on the toast with fierce voinfluence of both. A small tray of tea-things was racity. "GOVERNOR IN?" INQUIRED SAM. arranged on the table, a plate of hot buttered toast The appearance of the red-nosed man had induced was gently simmering before the fire, and the red- Sam, at first sight, to more than half suspect that he nosed man himself was busily engaged in converting was the deputy shepherd of whom his estimable para large slice of bread into the same agreeable edible, ent had spoken. The moment he saw him eat, all through the instrumentality of a long brass toasting- doubt on the subject was removed, and he perceived fork. Beside him stood a glass of reeking hot pine- at once that if he purposed to take up his temporary apple rum-and-water, with a slice of lemon in it; quarters where he was, he must make his footing and every time the red-nosed man stopped to bring good without delay. He therefore commenced prothe round of toast to his eye, with the view of ascer- ceedings by putting his arm over the half-door of thetaining how it got on, he imbibed a drop or two of bar, coolly unbolting it, and leisurely walking in. the hot pine-apple rum-and-water, and smiled upon " Mother-in-law," said Sam, "how are you?" the rather stout lady, as she blew the fire. "Why, I do believe he is a Weller!" said Mrs. W., Sam was so lost in the contemplation of this com- raising her eyes to Sam's face, with no very gratified fortable scene, that he suffered the first inquiry of expression of countenance. the rather stout lady to pass unheeded. It was not "I rayther think he is," said the imperturbable until it had been twice repeated, each time in a Sam; "and I hope this here reverend gen'l'm'n'11 160 THE PICKWICK CLUB. excuse me saying that I wish I was the Weller as "Those which combine amusement with instrucowns you, mother-in-law." tion, my young friend," replied Mr. Stiggins: " blendThis was a double-barreled compliment. It im- ing select tales with wood-cuts." plied that Mrs. Weller was a most agreeable female, " Oh, I know," said Sam; "them as hangs up in and also that Mr. Stiggins had a clerical appearance. the linen-drapers' shops, with beggars' petitions and It made a visible impression at once; and Sam fol- all that'ere upon'em?" lowed up his advantage by kissing his mother-in-law. Mr. Stiggins began a third round of toast, and nod"Get along with you!" said Mrs. Weller, pushing ded assent. him away. "And he wouldn't be persuaded by the ladies, "For shame, young man!" said the gentleman with wouldn't he?" said Sam. the red nose. "Sat and smoked his pipe, and said the infant " No offense, sir, no offense," replied Sam; "you're negroes were-what did he say the infant negroes wery right, though; it ain't the right sort o' thing, were?" said Mrs. Weller. ven mothers-in-law is young and good-looking, is it, "Little humbugs," replied Mr. Stiggins, deeply afsir?" fected. "It's all vanity," said Mr. Stiggins. "Said the infant negroes were little humbugs," "Ah, so it is," said Mrs. Weller, setting her cap to repeated Mrs. Weller. And they both groaned at rights..the atrocious conduct of the old gentleman. Sam thought it was, too, but he held his peace. A great many more iniquities of a similar nature The deputy shepherd seemed by no means best might have been disclosed, only the toast being all pleased with Sam's arrival; and when the first effer- eaten, the tea having got very weak, and Sam holdvescence of the compliment had subsided, even Mrs. ing out no indications of meaning to go, Mr. Stiggins Weller looked as if she could have spared him with- suddenly recollected that he had a most pressing apout the smallest inconvenience. However, there he pointment with the shepherd, and took himself off was; and as he couldn't be decently turned out, they accordingly. all three sat down to tea. The tea-things had been scarcely put away, and "And how's father?" said Sam. the hearth swept up, when the London coach deposAt this inquiry, Mrs. Weller raised her hands, and ited Mr. Weller senior at the door; his legs deposturned up her eyes, as if the subject were too pain- ited him in the bar; and his eyes showed him his ful to be alluded to. son. Mr. Stiggins groaned. "What, Sammy!" exclaimed the father. " What's the matter with that'ere gen'l'm'n?" in- " What, old Nobs!" ejaculated the son. And they quired Sam. shook hands heartily. " He's shocked at the way your father goes on in," "Werry glad to see you, Sammy," said the elder replied Mrs. Weller. Mr. Weller, "though how you've managed to get " Oh he is, is he?" said Sam. over your mother-in-law, is a mystery to me. I only "And with too good reason," added Mrs. Weller, vish you'd write me out the receipt, that's all." gravely. "Hush!" said Sam, "she's at home, old feller." Mr. Stiggins took up a fresh piece of toast, and "She ain't vlthin hearin'," replied Mr. Weller; groaned heavily. "she always goes and blows up, down stairs, for a " He is a dreadful reprobate," said Mrs. Weller. couple of hours arter tea; so we'll just give ourselves "A man of wrath!" exclaimed Mr. Stiggins. He a damp, Sammy." took a large semicircular bite out of the toast, and Saying this, Mr. Weller mixed two glasses of spirgroaned again. its-and-water, and produced a couple of pipes. The Sam felt very strongly disposed to give the rever- father and son sitting down opposite each other: end Mr. Stiggins something to groan for, but he re- Sam on one side of the fire, in the high-backed chair, pressed his inclination, and merely asked, "What's and Mr. Weller senior on the other, in an easy ditto: the old'un up to, now?" they proceeded to enjoy themselves with all due "Up to, indeed!" said Mrs. Weller. "Oh, he has gravity. a hard heart. Night after night does this excellent "Any body been here, Sammy?" asked Mr. Weller man-don't frown, Mr. Stiggins: I will say you are senior, dryly, after a long silence. an excellent man-come and sit here, for hours to- Sam nodded an expressive assent. gether, and it has not the least effect upon him." "Red-nosed chap'?" inquired Mr. Weller. "Well, that is odd," said Sam; "it'ud have a Sam nodded again. wery considerable effect upon me, if I wos in his "Amiable man that'ere, Sammy," said Mr. Weller place; I know that." smoking violently. "The fact is, my young friend," said Mr. Stig- "Seems so," observed Sam. gins, solemnly, "he has an obderrate bosom. Oh, "Good hand at accounts," said Mr. Weller. ~my young friend, who else could have resisted the "Is he?" said Sam. pleading of sixteen of our fairest sisters, and with- "Borrows eighteen-pence on Monday, and comes stood their exhortations to subscribe to our noble on Tuesday for a shillin' to make it up half a crown; society for providing the infant negroes in the West calls again on Vensday for another half-crown to Indies with flannel waistcoats and moral pocket- make it five shillin's; and goes on, doubling, till he handkerchiefs?" gets it up to a five-pound note in no time-like them "What's a moral pocket-ankercher?" said Sam; sums in the'rithmetic book'bout the nails in the "I never see one o' them articles o' furniter." horse's shoes, Sammy." MR. WELLER AT HOME. 161 Sam intimated by a nod that he recollected the row, and run'em up and down a fourteen-inch-wide problem alluded to by his parent. plank all day. That'ud shake the nonsense out of " So you vouldn't subscribe to the flannel ves-'em, if any thin' vould." kits?" said Sam, after another interval of smoking. Mr. Weller having delivered this gentle recipe with " Cert'nly not," replied Mr. Weller; "what's the strong emphasis, eked out by a variety of nods and good o' flannel veskits to the young niggers abroad? contortions of the eye, emptied his glass at a draught, But I'll tell you what it is, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, and knocked the ashes out of his pipe, with native lowering his voice, and bending across the fire-place; dignity. " I'd come down wery handsome towards strait-ves- He was engaged in this operation, when a shrill kits for some people at home." voice was heard in the passage. As Mr. Weller said this, he slowly recovered his " Here's your dear relation, Sammy," said Mr. Welformer position, and winked at his first-born in a ler; and Mrs. W. hurried into the room. profound manner. "Oh, you've come back, have you!" said Mrs. " It cert'nly seems a queer start to send out pock- Weller. et-ankerchers to people as don't know the use on "Yes, my dear," replied Mr. Weller, filling a fresh'em," observed Sam. pipe. " They're alvays a-doin' some gammon of that sort, "Has Mr. Stiggins been back?" said Mrs. Weller. Sammy," replied his father. " T'other Sunday I wos " No, my dear, he hasn't," replied Mr. Weller, lightwalkin' up the road, wen who should I see, a-standin' ing the pipe by the ingenious process of holding to at a chapel door, with a blue soup-plate in her hand, the bowl thereof, between the tongs, a red-hot coal but your mother-in-law! I werily believe there was from the adjacent fire; " and what's more, my dear, change for a couple o' suv'rins in it, then, Sammy, I shall manage to surwive it, if he don't come back all in ha'pence; and as the people come out, they at all." rattled the pennies in it, till you'd ha' thought that "Ugh, you wretch!" said Mrs. Weller. no mortal plate as ever was baked could ha' stood "Thank'ee, my love," said Mr. Weller. the wear and tear. What d'ye think it was all "Come, come, father," said Sam, "none o' these for?" little lovins afore strangers. Here's the reverend " For another tea-drinkin', perhaps," said Sam. gen'l'm'n a-comin' in now." "Not a bit on it," replied the father; "for the At this announcement, Mrs. Weller hastily wiped shepherd's water-rate, Sammy." off the tears which she had just begun to force on; " The shepherd's water-rate!" said Sam. and Mr.W. drew his chair sullenly into the chimney"Ay," replied Mr. Weller, "there was three quar- corner. ters owin', and the shepherd hadn't paid a farden, Mr. Stiggins was easily prevailed on to take annot he-perhaps it might be on account that the wa- other glass of the hot pine-apple rum-and-water, and ter warn't o' much use to him, for it's wery little o' a second, and a third, and then to refresh himself that tap he drinks, Sammy, wery; he knows a trick with a slight supper, previous to beginning again. worth a good half-dozen of that, he does. Hows'- He sat on the same side as Mr. Weller senior; and ever, it warn't paid, and so they cuts the water off. every time he could contrive to do so, unseen by his Down goes the shepherd to chapel, gives out as he's wife, that gentleman indicated to his son the hidden a persecuted saint, and says he hopes the heart of emotions of his bosom, by shaking his fist over the the turn-cock as cut the water off'11 be softened, deputy-shepherd's head: a'process which afforded and turned in the right vay: but he rayther thinks his son the most unmingled delight and satisfaction, he's booked for somethin' uncomfortable. Upon this, the more especially as Mr. Stiggins went on, quietly the women calls a meetin', sings a hymn, wotes your drinking the hot pine-apple rum-and-water, wholly mother-in-law into the chair, wolunteers a col-lec- unconscious of what was going on. tion next Sunday, and hands it all over to the shep- The major part of the conversation was confined herd. And if he ain't got enough out on'em, Sam- to Mrs. Weller and the reverend Mr. Stiggins; and my, to make him free of the water company for life," the topics principally descanted on were the virtues said Mr. Weller, in conclusion, "I'm one Dutchman, of the shepherd, the worthiness of his flock, and theand you're another, and that's all about it." high crimes and misdemeanors of every body beside;' Mr. Weller smoked for some minutes in silence, dissertations which the elder Mr. Weller occasionaland then resumed: ly interrupted by half-suppressed references to a gen"The worst o' these here shepherds is, my boy, that tleman of the name of Walker, and other running they reg'larly turns the heads of all the young ladies commentaries of the same kind. about here. Lord bless their little hearts, they thinks At length Mr. Stiggins, with several most indubiit's all right, and don't know no better; but they're table symptoms of having quite as much pine-apple the wictims o' gammon, Samivel,they're the wictims rum-and-water about him as he could comfortably o' gammon." accommodate, took his hat, and his leave: and Sam " I s'pose they are," said Sam. was immediately afterward shown to bed by his fa"Nothin' else," said Mr. Weller, shaking his head ther. The respectable old gentleman wrung his gravely; " and wot aggrawates me, Samivel, is to hand fervently, and seemed disposedto address some see'em a-wastin' all their time and labor in making observation to his son; but on Mrs. Weller advanclothes for copper-colored people as don't want'em, cing toward him, he appeared to relinquish that inand taking no notice of flesh-colored Christians as tention, and abruptly bade him good-night. do. If I'd my vay, Samivel, I'd just stick some o' Sam was up betimes next day, and having parthese here lazy shepherds behind a heavy wheelbar- taken of a hasty breakfast, prepared to return to 11 162 THE PICKWICK CLUB. London. He had scarcely set foot without the preparing, like an ancient philosopher, to call his house, when his father stood before him. friends around him, and amidst the sound of feasting "Goin', Sammy?" inquired Mr. Weller. and revelry to pass gently and calmly away. Gay "Off at once," replied Sam. and merry was the time, and gay and merry were at "I vish you could muffle that'ere Stiggins, and least four of the numerous hearts that were gladdentake him with you," said Mr. Weller. ed by its coming. "I am ashamed on you!" said Sam, reproachfully; And numerous indeed are the hearts to which " what do you let him show his red nose in the Mar- Christmas brings a brief season of happiness and enkis o' Granby at all for " joyment. How many families, whose members have Mr. Weller the elder fixed on his son an earnest been dispersed and scattered far and wide, in the look, and replied, "'Cause I'm a married man, Sami- restless struggles of life, are then reunited, and meet vel,'cause I'm a married man. Wen you're a mar- once again in that happy state of companionship ried man, Samivel, you'll understand a good many and mutual good-will, which is a source of such pure things as you don't understand now; but vether it's and unalloyed delight, and one so incompatible with worth while goin' through so much to learn so lit- the cares and sorrows of the world, that the religtle, as the charity-boy said ven he got to the end of ious belief of the most civilized nations, and the rude the alphabet, is a matter o' taste. I rayther think traditions of the roughest savages, alike number it it isn't." among the first joys of a future condition of exist" Well," said Sam, "good-bye." ence, provided for the blest and happy! How many "Tar-tar, Sammy," replied his father. old recollections, and how many dormant sympa"I've only to say this here," said Sam, stopping thies, does Christmas-time awaken! short," that if I was the proprietor o' the Markis o' We write these words now, many miles distant Granby, and that'ere Stiggins came and made toast from the spot at which, year after year, we met on in my bar, I'd-" that day, a merry and joyous circle. Many of the " What?" interposed Mr. Weller, with great anxi- hearts that throbbed so gayly then, have ceased to ety. " What " beat; many of the looks that shone so brightly then, " —Pison his rum-and-water," said Sam. have ceased to glow; the hands we grasped, have " No!" said Mr. Weller, shaking his son eagerly grown cold; the eyes we sought, have hid their lusby the hand, " would you raly, Sammy; would you, tre in the grave; and yet the old house, the room, the though V" merry voices and smiling faces, the jest, the laugh, "I would," said Sam. "I wouldn't be too hard the most minute and trivial circumstances connectupon him at first. I'd drop him in the water-butt, ed with those happy meetings, crowd upon our mind and put the lid on; and if I found he was insensible at each recurrence of the season, as if the last asto kindness, I'd try the other persvasion." semblage had been but yesterday! Happy, happy The elder Mr. Weller bestowed a look of deep, un- Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of speakable admiration on his son: and, having once our childish days; that can recall to the old man more grasped his hand, walked slowly away, revolv- the pleasures of his youth; that can transport the ing in his mind the numerous reflections to which sailor and the traveler thousands of miles away, back his advice had given rise. to his own fireside and his quiet home! Sam looked after him, until he turned a corner of But we are so taken up and occupied with the the road: and then set forward on his walk to Lon- good qualities of this saint Christmas, that we are don. He meditated, at first, on the probable conse- keeping Mr. Pickwick and his friends waiting in the quences of his own advice, and the likelihood and cold on the outside of the Muggleton coach, which unlikelihood of his father's adopting it. He dismiss- they have just attained, well wrapped up in greated the subject from his mind, however, with the con- coats, shawls, and comforters. The portmanteaus solatory reflection that time alone would show; and and carpet-bags have been stowed away, and Mr. this is the reflection we would impress upon the Weller and the guard are endeavoring to insinuate reader. into the fore-boot a huge codfish several sizes too — l-c —-~ large for it-which is snugly packed up in a long brown basket, with a layer of straw over the top, CHAPTER XXVIII. and which has been left to the last, in order that he may repose in safety on the half-dozen barrels of A GOOD-HUMORED CHRISTMAS CHAPTER, CONTAINING real native oysters, all the property ofMr. Pickwick, real native oysters, all the property of Mr. Pickwick, AN ACCOUNT OF A WEDDING, AND SOME OTHERW which have been arranged in regular order at the SPORTS BESIDE: WHICH ALTHOUGH IN THEIR WAY,R bottom of the receptacle. The interest displayed in EVEN AS GOOD CUSTOMS AS MARRIAGE ITSELFE, ARE Mr. Pickwick's countenance is most intense, as Mr. NOT QUITE SO RELIGIOUSLY KEPT UP, IN THESE DENOT QUITE ESO RELIGIOUSLY WEPT UP) IN THESE DE- Weller and the guard try to squeeze the codfish into GENERATE TIMES. the boot, first head first, and then tail first, and then AS brisk as bees, if not altogether as light as fai- top upward, and then bottom upward, and then sideries, did the four Pickwickians assemble on the ways, and then longways, all of which artifices the morning of the twenty-second day of December, in implacable codfish sturdily resists, until the guard the year of grace in which these, their faithfully-re- accidentally hits him in the very middle of the bascorded adventures, were undertaken and accomplish- ket, whereupon he suddenly disappears into the boot, ed. Christmas was close at hand, in all his bluff and with him, the head and shoulders of the guard and hearty honesty; it was the season of hospitality, himself, who, not calculating upon so sudden a cesmerriment, and open-heartedness; the old year was sation of the passive resistance of the codfish, ex QUITE AN OLD-FASHIONED RIDE. 163 periences a very unexpected shock, to the unsmoth- off the moment he stops. Mr. Pickwick emerges erable delight of all the porters and by-standers. from his coat-collar, and looks about him with great Upon this, Mr. Pickwick smiles with great good-hu- curiosity; perceiving which, the coachman informs mor, and drawing a shilling from his waistcoat-pock- Mr. Pickwick of the name of the town, and tells him et, begs the guard, as he picks himself out of the it was market-day yesterday, both of which pieces boot, to drink his health in a glass of hot bran- of information Mr. Pickwick retails to his fellowdy-and-water; at which the guard smiles too, and passengers; whereupon they emerge from their coatMessrs. Snodgrass, Winkle, and Tupman, all smile in collars too, and look about them also. Mr. Winkle, company. The guard and Mr. Weller disappear for who sits at the extreme edge, with one leg dangling five minutes: most probably to get the hot brandy- in the air, is nearly precipitated into the street, as and-water, for they smell very strongly of it when the coach twists round the sharp corner by the they return, the coachman mounts to the box, Mr. cheese-monger's shop, and turns into the marketWeller jumps up behind, the Pickwickians pull their place; and before Mr. Snodgrass, who sits next to coats round their legs and their shawls over their him, has recovered from his alarm, they pull up at noses, the helpers pull the horse-cloths off, the coach- the inn yard, where the fresh horses, with cloths on, man shouts out a cheery "All right," and away they are already waiting. The coachman throws down go. the reins and gets down himself, and the other outThey have rumbled through the streets, and jolt- side passengers drop down also: except those who ed over the stones, and at length reach the wide and have no great confidence in their ability to get up open country. The wheels skim over the hard and again: and they remain where they are, and stamp frosty ground: and the horses, bursting into a can- their feet against the coach to warm them-looking, ter at a smart crack of the whip, step along the road with longing eyes and red noses, at the bright fire as if the load behind them-coach, passengers, cod- in the inn bar, and the sprigs of holly with red berfish, oyster-barrels, and all, were but a feather at ries which ornament the window. their heels. They have descended a gentle slope, But the guard has delivered at the corn-dealer's and enter upon a level, as compact and dry as a sol- shop the brown paper packet he took out of the litid block of marble, two miles long. Another crack tle pouch which hangs over his shoulder by a leathern of the whip, and on they speed, at a smart gallop: strap; and has seen the horses carefully put to; and the horses tossing their heads and rattling the har- has thrown on the pavement the saddle which was ness, as if in exhilaration at the rapidity of the mo- brought from London on the coach-roof; and has tion: while the coachman, holding whip and reins assisted in the conference between the coachman in one hand, takes off his hat with the other, and and the hostler about the gray mare that hurt her resting it on his knees, pulls out his handkerchief, off-fore-leg last Tuesday: and he and Mr. Weller are and wipes his forehead: partly because he has a all right behind, and the coachman is all right in habit of doing it, and partly because it's as well to front, and the old gentleman inside, who has kept show the passengers how cool he is, and what an the window down full two inches all this time, has easy thing it is to drive four-in-hand when you have pulled it up again, and the cloths are off, and they had as much practice as he has. Having done this are all ready for starting, except the " two stout genvery leisurely (otherwise the effect would be mate- tlemen," whom the coachman inquires after with rially impaired), he replaces his handkerchief, pulls some impatience. Hereupon the coachman, and the on his hat, adjusts his gloves, squares his elbows, guard, and Sam Weller, and Mr. Winkle, and Mr. cracks the whip again, and on they speed, more mer- Snodgrass, and all the hostlers, and every one of the rily than before. idlers, who are more in number than all the others A few small houses, scattered on either side of the put together, shout for the missing gentlemen as road, betoken the entrance to some town or village. loud as they can bawl. A distant response is heard The lively notes of the guard's key-bugle vibrate in from the yard, and Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupman the clear cold air, and wake up the old gentleman come running down it, quite out of breath, for they inside, who, carefully letting down the window-sash have been having a glass of ale apiece, and Mr. Pickhalf-way, and standing sentry over the air, takes a wick's fingers are so cold that he has been full five short peep out, and then carefully pulling it up again, minutes before he could find the sixpence to pay for informs the other inside that they're going to change it. The coachman shouts an admonitory " Now then, directly; on which the other inside wakes himself gen'l'm'n!" the guard re-echoes it; the old gentleman up, and determines to postpone his next nap until inside thinks it a very extraordinary thing that peoafter the stoppage. Again the bugle sounds lustily pie will get down when they know there isn't time forth, and rouses the cottager's wife and children, for it; Mr. Pickwick struggles up on one side, Mr. who peep out at the house door, and watch the coach Tupman on the other; Mr. Winkle cries "All right;" till it turns the corner, when they once more crouch and off they start. Shawls are pulled up, coat-collars round the blazing fire, and throw on another log of are re-adjusted, the pavement ceases, the houses diswood against father comes home; while father him- appear, and they are once again dashing along the self, a full mile off, has just exchanged a friendly open road, with the fresh clear air blowing in their nod with the coachman, and turned round to take a faces, and gladdening their very hearts within them. good long stare at the vehicle as it whirls away. Such was the progress of Mr. Pickwick and his And now the bugle plays a lively air as the coach friends by the Muggleton Telegraph, on their way rattles through the ill-paved streets of a country to Dingley Dell; and at three o'clock that afternoon town; and the coachman, undoing the buckle which they all stood, high and dry, safe and sound, hale keeps his ribbons together, prepares to throw them and hearty, upon the steps of the Blue Lion, having 164 THE PICKWICK CLUB. taken on the road quite enough of ale and brandy to "Sometimes," replied the boy; "and I likes a enable them to bid defiance to the frost that was drop of something, when it's good." binding up the earth in its iron fetters, and weaving "Oh, you do, do you I" said Sam; "come this way, its beautiful net-work upon the trees and hedges. then!" Mr. Pickwick was busily engaged in counting the The Blue Lion tap was soon gained, and the fat barrels of oysters and superintending the disinter- boy swallowed a glass of liquor without so much as ment of the codfish, when he felt himself gently pull- winking-; a feat which considerably advanced him ed by the skirts of the coat. Looking round, he dis- in Mr. Weller's good opinion. Mr. Weller having covered that the individual who resorted to this transacted a similar piece of business on his own acmode of catching his attention was no other than count, they got into the cart. Mr. Wardle's favorite page, better known to the "Can you drive?" said the fat boy. readers of this unvarnished history by the distin- " I should rayther think so," replied Sam. guishing appellation of the fat boy. "There, then," said the fat boy, putting the reins "Aha!" said Mr. Pickwick. in his hand, and pointing up a lane, " it's as straight "Aha!" said the fat boy. as you can go; you can't miss it." As he said it, he glanced from the codfish to the With these words, the fat boy laid himself affecoyster-barrels, and chuckled joyously. He was fatter tionately down by the side of the codfish: and plathan ever. cing an oyster-barrel under his head for a pillow, "Well, you look rosy enough, my young friend," fell asleep instantaneously. said Mr. Pickwick. "Well," said Sam," of all the cool boys ever I set " I've been asleep, right in front of the tap-room my eyes on, this here young gen'l'm'n is the coolest. fire," replied the fat boy, who had heated himself to Come, wake up, young dropsy!" the color of a new chimney-pot, in the course of an But as young dropsy evinced no symptoms of rehour's nap. "Master sent me over with the shay- turning animation, Sam Weller sat himself down in cart, to carry your luggage up to the house. He'd front of the cart, and starting the old horse with a ha' sent some saddle-horses, but he thought you'd jerk of the rein, jogged steadily on toward Manor rather walk, being a cold day." Farm. "Yes, yes," said Mr. Pickwick, hastily, for he re- Meanwhile, Mr. Pickwick and his friends having membered how they had traveled over nearly the walked their blood into active circulation, proceeded same ground on a previous occasion. "Yes, we cheerfully on. The paths were hard; the grass was would rather walk. Here, Sam!" crisp and frosty; the air had a fine, dry, bracing cold"Sir," said Mr. Weller. -ness; and the rapid approach of the gray twilight "Help Mr. Wardle's servant to put the packages (slate-colored is a better term in frosty weather) into the cart, and then ride on with him. We will made them look forward with pleasant anticipation walk forward at once." to the comforts which awaited them at their hospitaHaving given this direction, and settled with the ble entertainer's. It was the sort of afternoon that coachman, Mr. Pickwick and his three friends struck might induce a couple of elderly gentlemen, in a into the foot-path across the fields, and walked brisk- lonely field, to take off their great-coats and play at ly away, leaving Mr. Weller and the fat boy con- leap-frog in pure lightness of heart and gayety; and fronted together for the first time. Sam looked at we firmly believe that had Mr. Tupman at that mothe fat boy with great astonishment, but without ment proffered "a back," Mr. Pickwick would have saying a word; and began to stow the luggage rapid- accepted his offer with the utmost avidity. ly away in the cart, while the fat boy stood quietly However, Mr. Tupman did not volunteer any such by, and seemed to think it a very interesting sort accommodation, and the friends walked on, conversof thing to see Mr. Weller working by himself. ing merrily. As they turned into a lane they had "There," said Sam, throwing in the last carpet- to cross, the sound of many voices burst upon their bag. " There they are!" ears; and before they had even had time to form a "Yes," said the fat boy, in a very satisfied tone, guess to whom they belonged, they walked into the "there they are." very centre of the party who were expecting their " Vell, young twenty stun," said Sam, "you're a arrival —a fact which was first notified to the Picknice specimen of a prize boy, you are!" wickians, by the loud "Hurra," which burst from " Thankee," said the fat boy. old Wardle's lips when they appeared in sight. " You ain't got nothin' on your mind as makes you First, there was Wardle himself, looking, if possifret yourself, have you?" inquired Sam. ble, more jolly than ever; then there were Bella and " Not as I knows on," replied the fat boy. her faithful Trundle; and, lastly, there were Emily " I should rayther ha' thought, to look at you, that and some eight or ten young ladies, who had all you was a laborin' under an unrequited attachment come down to the wedding, which was to take place to some young'ooman," said Sam. next day, and who were in as happy and important The fat boy shook his head. a state as young ladies usually are on such moment"Vell," said Sam, "I'm glad to hear it. Do you ous occasions; and they were, one and all, startling ever drink any thin'?" the fields and lanes, far and wide, with their frolic " I likes eating, better," replied the boy. and laughter. "Ah," said Sam, "I should ha' s'posed that; but The ceremony of introduction, under such circumwhat I mean is, should you like a drop of any thin' stances, was very soon performed, or we should rathas'd warm you t but I s'pose you never was cold, er say that the introduction was soon over, without with all them elastic fixtures, was you?" any ceremony at all. In two minutes thereafter, THE WEDDING MORNING. 165 Mr. Pickwick was joking with the young ladies who rubber with you; and we'll show these boys and wouldn't come over the stile while he looked-or girls how to dance a minuet, before they're eightwho, having pretty feet and unexceptionable ankles, and-forty hours older." preferred standing on the top rail for five minutes or The old lady was rapidly giving way, but she did so, declaring that they were too frightened to move not like to do it all at once; so she only said, "Ah! -with as much ease and absence of reserve or con- I can't hear him!" straint, as if he had known them for life. It is wor- "Nonsense, mother," said Wardle. " Come, come, thy of remark, too, that Mr. Snodgrass offered Emily don't be cross, there's a good soul. Recollect Bella; far more assistance than the absolute terrors of the come, you must keep her spirits up, poor girl." stile (although it was full three feet high, and had The good old lady heard this, for her lip quivered only a couple of stepping-stones) would seem to re- as her son said it. But age has its little infirmities quire; while one black-eyed young lady in a very of temper, and she was not quite brought round yet. nice little pair of boots with fur round the top, was So, she smoothed down the lavender-colored dress observed to scream very loudly when Mr. Winkle of- again, and, turning to Mr. Pickwick, said, "Ah, Mr. fered to help her over. Pickwick, young people was very different when I All this was very snug and pleasant. And when was a girl." the difficulties of the stile were at last surmounted, "No doubt of that, ma'am," said Mr. Pickwick, and they once more entered on the open field, old "and that's the reason why I would make much of Wardle informed Mr. Pickwick how they had all the few that have any traces of the old stock,"-and been down in a body to inspect the furniture and fit- saying this, Mr. Pickwick gently pulled Bella toward tings-up of the house, which the young couple were him, and bestowing a kiss upon her forehead, bade to tenant, after the Christmas holidays: at which her sit down on the little stool at her grandmother's communication Bella and Trundle both colored up, feet. Whether the expression of her countenance, as as red as the fat boy after the tap-room fire; and the it was raised toward the old lady's face, called up young lady with the black eyes and the fur round a thought of old times, or whether the old lady was the boots, whispered something in Emily's ear, and touched by Mr. Pickwick's affectionate good-nature, then glanced archly at Mr. Snodgrass: to which Em- or whatever was the cause, she was fairly melted; ily responded that she was a foolish girl, but turned so she threw herself on her granddaughter's neck, very red, notwithstanding; and Mr. Snodgrass, who and all the little ill-humor evaporated in a gush of was as modest as all great geniuses usually are, felt silent tears. the crimson rising to the crown of his head, and A happy party they were, that night. Sedate and devoutly wished in the inmost recesses of his own solemn were the score of rubbers in which Mr. Pickheart that the young lady aforesaid, with her black wick and the old lady played together; uproarious eyes, and her archness, and her boots with the fur was the mirth of the round table. Long after the round the top, were all comfortably deposited in the ladies had retired, did the hot elder-wine, well qualadjacent county. ified with brandy and spice, go round, and round, and But if they were social and happy outside the round again; and sound was the sleep and pleasant house, what was the warmth and cordiality of their were the dreams that followed. It is a remarkable reception, when they reached the farm! The very fact that those of Mr. Snodgrass bore constant referservants grinned with pleasure at sight of Mr. Pick- ence to Emily Wardle; and that the principal figure wick; and Emma bestowed a half-demure, half-im- in Mr. Winkle's visions was a young lady with black pudent, and all pretty, look of recognition, on Mr. eyes, an arch smile, and a pair of remarkably nice Tupman, which was enough to make the statue of boots with fur round the tops. Bonaparte in the passage unfold his arms, and clasp Mr. Pickwick was awakened. early in the morning, her within them. by a hum of voices and a pattering of feet, sufficient The old lady was seated in customary state in to rouse even the fat boy from his heavy slumbers. the front parlor, but she was rather cross, and, by He sat up in bed and listened. The female servants consequence, most particularly deaf. She never and female visitors were running constantly to and went out herself, and like a great many other old la- fro; and there were such multitudinous demands for dies of the same stamp, she was apt to consider it hot water, such repeated outcries for needles and an act of domestic treason, if any body else took thread, and so many half-suppressed entreaties of the liberty of doing what she couldn't. So, bless "Oh, do come and tie me, there's a dear!" that Mr. her old soul, she sat as upright as she could, in her Pickwick in his innocence began to imagine that great chair, and looked as fierce as might be-and something dreadful must have occurred: when he that was benevolent, after all. grew more awake, and remembered the wedding. " Mother," said Wardle, "Mr. Pickwick. You rec- The occasion being an important one, he dressed himollect him?" self with peculiar care, and descended to the break"Never mind," replied the old lady with great fast-room. dignity. " Don't trouble Mr. Pickwick about an old There were all the female servants, in a brand-new creetur like me. Nobody cares about me now, and uniform of pink muslin gowns with white bows in it's very nat'ral they shouldn't." Here the old lady their caps, running about the house in a state of tossed her head, and smoothed down her lavender- excitement and agitation which it would be imposcolored silk dress with trembling hands. sible to describe. The old lady was dressed out in a "Come, come, ma'am," said Mr. Pickwick, "I can't brocaded gown which had not seen the light for let you cut an old friend in this way. I have come twenty years, saving and excepting such truant rays down expressly to have a long talk, and another as had stolen through the chinks in the box in which 166 TRE PICKWICK CLUB. it had been lain by, during the whole time. Mr. "Wardle," said Mr. Pickwick, almost as soon as Trundle was in high feather and spirits, but a little they were all seated, "a glass of wine, in honor of this nervous withal. The hearty old landlord was try- happy occasion!" ing to look very cheerful and unconcerned, but fail- "I shall be delighted, my boy," said Wardle. "Joe ing signally in the attempt. All the girls were in -damn that boy, he's gone to sleep." tears and white muslin, except a select two or three " No, I ain't, sir," replied the fat boy, starting up who were being honored with a private view of the from a remote corner, where, like the patron saint bride and brides-maids up stairs. All the Pickwick- of fat boys-the immortal Horner-he had been deians were in most blooming array; and there was a vouring a Christmas pie: though not with the coolterrific roaring on the grass in front of the house, oc- ness and deliberation which characterized that young casioned by all the men, boys, and hobbledehoys at- gentleman's proceedings. tached to the farm, each of whom had got a white "Fill Mr. Pickwick's glass." bow in his button-hole, and all of whom were cheer- "Yes, sir." ing with might and main: being incited thereunto, The fat boy filled Mr. Pickwick's glass, and then and stimulated therein, by the precept and example retired behind his master's chair, from whence he of Mr. Samuel Weller, who had managed to become watched the play of the knives and forks, and the mighty popular already, and was as much at home as progress of the choice morsels from the dishes to the if he had been born on the land. mouths of the company, with a kind of dark and A wedding is a licensed subject to joke upon, but gloomy joy that was most impressive. there really is no great joke in the matter after all;- "God bless you, old fellow!" said Mr. Pickwick. we speak merely of the ceremony, and beg it to be "Same to you, my boy," replied Wardle; and they distinctly understood that we indulge in no hidden pledged each other heartily. sarcasm upon a married life. Mixed up with the "Mrs. Wardle," said Mr. Pickwick, " we old folks pleasure and joy of the occasion, are the many re- must have a glass of wine together, in honor of this grets at quitting home, the tears of parting between joyful event." parent and child, the consciousness of leaving the The old lady was in a state of great grandeur just dearest and kindest friends of the happiest portion then, for she was sitting at the top of the table in of human life, to encounter its cares and troubles the' brocaded gown, with her newly-married grandwith others still untried and little known: natural daughter on one side and Mr. Pickwick on the other, feelings which we would not render this chapter to do the carving. Mr. Pickwick had not spoken in mournful by describing, and which we should be still a very loud tone, but she understood him at once, and more unwilling to be supposed to ridicule. drank off a full glass of wine to his long life and Let us briefly say, then, that the ceremony was per- happiness; after which the worthy old soul launchformed by the old clergyman, in the parish church of ed forth into a minute and particular account of her Dingley Dell, and that Mr. Pickwick's name is attach- own wedding, with a dissertation on the fashion of ed to the register, still preserved in the vestry there- wearing high-heeled shoes, and some particulars conof; that the young lady with the black eyes signed cerning the life and adventures of the beautiful Lady her name in a very unsteady and tremulous manner; Tollimglower, deceased: at all of which the old lady that Emily's signature, as the other brides-maid, is herself laughed very heartily indeed, and so did the nearly illegible; that it all went off in very admira- young ladies too, for they were wondering among ble style; that the young ladies generally thought themselves what on earth grandma was talking it far less shocking than they had expected; and about. When they laughed, the old lady laughed that although the owner of the black eyes and arch ten times more heartily, and said that these always smile informed Mr. Winkle that she was sure she had been considered capital stories: which caused could never submit to any thing so dreadful, we them all to laugh again, and put the old lady into have the very best reasons for thinking she was the very best of humors. Then the cake was cut, mistaken. To all this we may add, that Mr. Pick- and passed through the ring; the young ladies saved wick was the first who saluted the bride, and that pieces to put under their pillows to dream of their in so doing he threw over her neck a rich gold fiture husbands on; and a great deal of blushing watch and chain, which no mortal eyes but the jew- and merriment was thereby occasioned. eler's had ever beheld before. Then the old church- "Mr. Miller," said Mr. Pickwick to his old acbell rang as gayly as it could, and they all returned quaintance the hard-headed gentleman, " a glass of to breakfast. wine?" "Vere does the mince-pies go, young opium-eat- "With great satisfaction, Mr. Pickwick," replied er?" said Mr. Weller to the fat boy, as he assisted the hard-headed gentleman, solemnly. in laying out such articles of consumption as had " You'll take me in?" said the benevolent old clernot been duly arranged on the previous night. gyman. The fat boy pointed to the destination of the pies. "And me," interposed his wife. "Wery good," said Sam," stick a bit o' Christmas "And me, and me," said a couple of poor relations in'em. T'other dish opposite. There; now ve look at the bottom of the table, who had eaten and drank compact and comfortable, as the father said ven he very heartily, and laughed at every thing. cut his little boy's head off to cure him o' squint- Mr. Pickwick expressed his heartfelt delight at in'." every additional suggestion; and his eyes beamed As Mr. Weller made the comparison, he fell back a with hilarity and cheerfulness. step or two, to give full effect to it, and surveyed the " Ladies and gentlemen," said Mr. Pickwick, sudpreparations with the utmost satisfaction. denly rising. THE TOAST OF THE DAY. 167 "Hear, hear! Hear,he Hear, hear hear!" cried Mr. mile walk, undertaken by the males at Wardle's recWeller, in the excitement of his feelings. ommendation, to get rid of the effects of the wine "Call in all the servants," cried old Wardle, inter- at breakfast. The poor relations had kept in bed posing to prevent the public rebuke which Mr. Wel- all day, with the view of attaining the same happy ler would otherwise most indubitably have received consummation, but, as they had been unsuccessful, from his master. " Give them a glass of wine each, they stopped there. Mr. Weller kept the domestics to drink the toast in. Now, Pickwick." in a state of perpetual hilarity; and the fat boy diAmidst the silence of the company, the whisper- vided his time into small alternate allotments of eating of the women-servants, and the awkward em- ing and sleeping. barrassment of the men, Mr. Pickwick proceeded. The dinner was as hearty an affair as the break"Ladies and gentlemen-no, I won't say ladies fast, and was quite as noisy, without the tears. and gentlemen, I'll call you my friends, my dear Then came the dessert and some more toasts. Then friends, if the ladies will allow me to take so great a came the tea and coffee; and then, the ball. liberty —" The best sitting-room at Manor Farm was a good, Here Mr. Pickwick was interrupted by immense long, dark-panneled room with a high chimney-piece, applause from the ladies, echoed by the gentlemen, and a capacious chimney, up which you could have during which the owner of the black eyes was dis- driven one of the new patent cabs, wheels and all. tinctly heard to state that she could kiss that dear At the upper end of the room, seated in a shady Mr. Pickwick. Whereupon Mr. Winkle gallantly in- bower of holly and evergreens, were the two best quired if it couldn't be done by deputy: to which fiddlers, and the only harp, in all Muggleton. In all the young lady with the black eyes replied, "Go sorts of recesses, and on all kinds of brackets, stood away"-and accompanied the request with a look massive old silver candlesticks with four branches which said as plainly as a look could do-" if you each. The carpet was up, the candles burned bright, can." the fire blazed and crackled on the hearth, and mer" My dear friends," resumed Mr. Pickwick, "I am ry voices and light-hearted laughter rang through going to propose the health of the bride and bride- the room. If any of the old English yeomen had groom-God bless'em" (cheers and tears). "My turned into fairies when they died, it was just the young friendTrundle, I believe to be a very excel- place in which they would have held their revels. lent and manly fellow; and his wife I know to be a If any thing could have added to the interest of very amiable and lovely girl, well qualified to trans- this agreeable scene, it would have been the remarkfer to another sphere of action the happiness which able fact of Mr. Pickwick's appearing without his for twenty years she has diffused around her in her gaiters, for the first time within the memory of his father's house." (Here, the fat boy burst forth into oldest friends. stentorian blubberings, and was led forth by the "You mean to dance?" said Wardle. coat-collar by Mr. Weller.) "I wish," added Mr. "Of course I do," replied Mr. Pickwick. "Don't Pickwick, "I wish I was young enough to be her you see I am dressed for the purpose?" Mr. Picksister's husband" (cheers), "but, failing that, I am wick called attention to his speckled silk stockings, happy to be old enough to be her father; for, being and smartly tied pumps. so, I shall not be suspected of any latent designs "You in silk stockings!" exclaimed Mr. Tupman when I say, that I admire, esteem, and love them jocosely. both" (cheers and sobs). "The bride's father, our "And why not, sir-why not?" said Mr. Pickwick, good friend there, is a noble person, and I am proud turning warmly upon him. to know him" (great uproar). "He is a kind, ex- " Oh, of course there is no reason why you shouldn't cellent, independent-spirited, fine-hearted, hospita- wear them," responded Mr. Tupman. ble, liberal man" (enthusiastic shouts from the poor " I imagine not, sir, I imagine not," said Mr. Pickrelations, at all the adjectives; and especially at the wick, in a very peremptory tone. two last). "That his daughter may enjoy all the Mr. Tupman had contemplated a laugh, but he happiness even he can desire; and that he may de- found it was a serious matter; so he looked grave, rive from the contemplation of her felicity all the and said they were a pretty pattern. gratification of heart and peace of mind which he so " I hope they are," said Mr. Pickwick, fixing his well deserves, is, I am persuaded, our united wish. eyes upon his friend. " You see nothing extraordiSo, let us drink their healths, and wish them pro- nary in the stockings, as stockings, I trust sir?" longed life, and every blessing!" "Certainly not. Oh certainly not," replied Mr. Mr. Pickwick concluded amidst a whirlwind of ap- Tupman. He walked away; and Mr. Pickwick's plause; and once more were the lungs of the super- countenance resumed its customary benign expresnumeraries, under Mr. Weller's command, brought sion. into active and efficient operation. Mr. Wardle pro- "We are all ready, I believe," said Mr. Pickwick, posed Mr. Pickwick; Mr. Pickwick proposed the old who was stationed with the old lady at the top of lady. Mr. Snodgrass proposed Mr. Wardle; Mr. the dance, and had already made four false starts, Wardle proposed Mr. Snodgrass. One of the poor in his excessive anxiety to commence. relations proposed Mr. Tupman, and the other poor " Then begin at once," said Wardle. " Now!" relation proposed Mr. Winkle; all was happiness and Up struck the two fiddles and the one harp, and festivity, until the mysterious disappearance of both off went Mr. Pickwick into hands across, when there the poor relations beneath the table warned the party was a general clapping of hands, and a cry of " Stop, that it was time to adjourn. stop!" At dinner they met again, after a five-and-twenty "What's the matter!" said Mr. Pickwick, who was 168 THE PICKWICK CLUB. only brought to by the fiddles and harp desisting, to be a man you'll lay yourself open to the same sort and could have been stopped by no other earthly of personal inconwenience as was inflicted on the old power, if the house had been on fire. gen'l'm'n as wore the pigtail." " Where's Arabella Allen?" cried a dozen voices. " What did they do to him?" inquired the fat boy, "And Winkle?" added Mr. Tupman. in a faltering voice. " Here we are!" exclaimed that gentleman, emer- "I'm agoin' to tell you," replied Mr. Weller; " he ging with his pretty companion from the corner; and was one o' the largest patterns as was ever turned as he did so, it would have been hard to tell which out-reg'lar fat man, as hadn't caught a glimpse of was the redder in the face, he or the young lady with his own shoes for five-and-forty-year." the black eyes. "Lor!" exclaimed Emma. "What an extraordinary thing it is, Winkle," said "No, that he hadn't, my dear," said Mr. Weller; Mr. Pickwick, rather pettishly, "that you couldn't "and if you'd put an exact model of his own legs have taken your place before." on the dinin'-table afore him, he wouldn't ha' known " Not at all extraordinary," said Mr. Winkle.'em. Well, he always walks to his office with a wery "Well," said Mr. Pickwick, with a very express- handsome gold watch -chain hanging out, about a ive smile, as his eyes rested on Arabella, "well, I foot and a quarter, and a gold watch in his fob pockdon't know that it was extraordinary, either, after et as was worth —I'm afraid to say how much, but all." as much as a watch can be-a large, heavy, round However, there was no time to think more about manafacter, as stout for a watch as he was for a man, the matter, for the fiddles and harp began in real and with a big face in proportion.'You'd better earnest. Away went Mr. Pickwick-hands across- not carry that'ere watch,' says the old gen'l'm'n's down the middle to the very end of the room, and friends,' you'll be robbed on it,' says they.'Shall half-way up the chimney, back again to the door- I?' says he.'Yes, will you,' says they.'Vell,' says poussette everywhere-loud stamp on the ground- he,'I should like to see the thief as could get this ready for the next couple-off again-all the figure here watch out, for I'm blest if I ever can, it's such over once more-another stamp to beat out the time a tight fit,' says he;' and venever I vants to know -next couple, and the next, and the next again- what's o'clock, I'm obliged to stare into the bakers' never was such going! At last, after they had reach- shops,' he says. Well, then he laughs as hearty as if ed the bottom of the dance, and full fourteen couple he was agoin' to pieces, and out he walks agin' with after the old lady had retired in an exhausted state, his powdered head and pigtail, and rolls down the and the clergyman's wife had been substituted in Strand vith the chain hangin' out furder than ever, her stead, did that gentleman, when there was no and the great round watch almost bustin' through his demand whatever on his exertions, keep perpetually gray kersey smalls. There warn't a pickpocket in dancing in his place, to keep time to the music: all London as didn't take a pull at that chain, but smiling on his partner all the while with a blandness the chain'ud never break, and the watch'ud never of demeanor which baffles all description. come out, so they soon got tired o' dragging such a Long before Mr. Pickwick was weary of dancing, heavy old gen'l'm'n along the pavement, and he'd go the newly-married couple had retired from the scene. home and laugh till the pigtail wibrated like the penThere was a glorious supper down stairs, notwith- derlum of a Dutch clock. At last, one day the old standing, and a good long sitting after it; and when gen'l'm'n was a-rollin' along, and he sees a pickpockMr. Pickwick awoke, late the next morning, he had et as he know'd by sight, a-comin' up, arm in arm a confused recollection of having, severally and con- vith a little boy vith a wery large head.'Here's a fidentially, invited somewhere about five-and-forty game,' says the old gen'l'm'n to himself,'they're people to dine with him at the George and Vulture, agoin' to have another try, but it won't do!' So he the very first time they came to London; which Mr. begins a-chucklin' wery hearty, wen, all of a sudden, Pickwick rightly considered a pretty certain indica- the little boy leaves hold of the pickpocket's arm, tion of his having taken something besides exercise, and rushes headforemost straight into the old genon the previous night.'l'm'n's stomach, and for a moment doubles him right "And so your family has games in the kitchen to- up vith the pain.'Murder!' says the old gen'l'm'n. night, my dear, has they?" inquired Sam of Emma.'All right, sir,' says the pickpocket, a-whisperin' in "Yes, Mr. Weller," replied Emma; "we always his ear. And wen he come straight agin, the watch have on Christmas-eve. Master wouldn't neglect to and chain was gone, and what's worse than that, the keep it up on any account." old gen'l'm'n's digestion was all wrong ever arter"Your master's a wery pretty notion of keepin' vards, to the wery last day of his life; so just you any thin' up, my dear," said Mr. Weller; " I never look about you, young feller, and take care you don't see such a sensible sort of man as he is, or such a get too fat." reg'lar gen'l'm'n." As Mr. Weller concluded this moral tale, with " Oh, that he is!" said the fat boy, joining in the which the fat boy appeared much affected, they all conversation; "don't he breed nice pork!" The fat three repaired to the large kitchen, in which the youth gave a semi-cannibalic leer at Mr. Weller, as family were by this time assembled, according to anhe thought of the roast legs and gravy. nual custom on Christmas-eve, observed by old War" Oh, you've woke up at last, have you?" said Sam. die's forefathers from time immemorial. The fat boy nodded. From the centre of the ceiling of this kitchen old "I'll tell you what it is, young boa-constructer," Wardle had just suspended, with his own hands, a said Mr. Weller, impressively; " if you don't sleep a huge branch of mistletoe, and this same branch of little less, and exercise a little more, wen you comes mistletoe instantaneously gave rise to a scene of UNDER THE MISTLETOE. 109 general and most delightful struggling and confu- up, without knowing it! Wardle stood with his sion; in the midst of which, Mr. Pickwick, with a back to the fire, surveying the whole scene with the gallantry that would have done honor to a descend- utmost satisfaction; and the fat boy took the opporant of Lady Tollimglower herself, took the old lady tunity of appropriating to his own use, and summaby the hand, led her beneath the mystic branch, and rily devouring, a particularly fine mince-pie, that had saluted her in all courtesy and decorum. The old been carefully put by for somebody else. lady submitted to this piece of practical politeness Now, the screaming had subsided, and faces were with all the dignity which befitted so important and in a glow, and curls in a tangle, and Mr. Pickwick, serious a solemnity, but the younger ladies, not be- after kissing the old lady as before mentioned, was ing so thoroughly imbued with a superstitious ven- standing under the mistletoe, looking with a very eration for the custom, or imagining that the value pleased countenance on all that was passing around of a salute is very much enhanced if it costs a little him when the young lady with the black eyes, aftrouble to obtain it, screamed and struggled, and ter a little whispering with the other young ladies, 0 ~11 /<-7-,' 7/;,/ IT WAS A PLEASANT THING TO SEE MR. PIc.wicx IN THE CNTRE OF THE GROUP. ran into corners, and threatened and remonstrated, made a sudden dart forward, and, putting her arm and did every thing but leave the room, until some around Mr. Pickwick's neck, saluted him affectionateof the less adventurous gentlemen were on the point ly on the left cheek; and before Mr. Pickwick disof desisting, when they all at once found it useless tinctly knew what was the matter, he was surroundto resist any longer, and submitted to be kissed with ed by the whole body, and kissed by every one of a good grace. Mr. Winkle kissed the young lady them. with the black eyes, and Mr. Snodgrass kissed Emi- It was a pleasant thing to see Mr. Pickwick in the ly, and Mr. Weller, not being particular about the centre of the group, now pulled this way, and then form of being under the mistletoe, kissed Emma and that, and first kissed on the chin, and then on the the other female servants, just as he caught them. nose, and then on the spectacles: and to hear the As to the poor relations, they kissed every body, not peals of laughter which were raised on every side; even excepting the plainer portion of the young- but it was a still more pleasant thing to see Mr. lady visitors, who, in their excessive confusion, ran Pickwick, blinded shortly afterward with a silk right under the mistletoe, as soon as it was hung handkerchief, falling up against the wall, and scram 170 THE PICKWICK CLUB. bling into corners, and going through all the myste- "But my song I troll out, for CHRISTMAS stout, ries of blind-man's-buff, with the utmost relish for The hearty, the true, and the bold; the game, until at last he caught one of the poor re- A bumper I drain, and with might and main Give three cheers for this Christmas old! lations, and the had to evade te blind-man him- We'll usher him in with a merry din self, which he did with a nimbleness and agility that That shall gladden his joyous heart, elicited the admiration and applause of all beholders. And we'll keep him up, while there's bite or sup, The poor relations caught just the people who they And in fellowship good we'll part. thought would like it, and, when the game flagged, n his e honest pride, he scorns to hide got caught themselves. When they were all tired One jot of his hard-weather scars; of blind-man's-buff, there was a great game at snap- They're no disgrace, for there's much the same trace dragon, and when fingers enough were burned with On the cheeks of our bravest tars. that, and all the raisins were gone, they sat down by Then again I sing till the roof doth ring, the huge fire of blazing logs to a substantial supper, And it echoes from wall to wallTo the stout old wight, fair welcome to-night, and a mighty bowl of wassail, something smaller As the King of the Seasons all I than an ordinary wash-house copper, in which the hot apples were hissing and bubbling with a rich This songwas tumultuously applauded-for friends look, and a jolly sound, that were perfectly irresisti- and dependents make a capital audience-and the ble. poor relations, especially, were in perfect ecstasies of "This," said Mr. Pickwick, looking round him, rapture. Again was the fire replenished, and again " this is, indeed, comfort." went the wassail round. "Our invariable custom," replied Mr. Wardle. "How it snows!" said one of the men, in a low " Every body sits down with us on Christmas- tone. eve, as you see them now-servants and all; and " Snows, does it?" said Wardle. here we wait, until the clock strikes twelve, to " Rough, cold night, sir," replied the man; " and usher Christmas in, and beguile the time with for- there's a wind got up, that drifts it across the fields feits and old stories. Trundle, my boy, rake up the in a thick white cloud." fire." "What does Jem say?" inquired the old lady. Up flew the bright sparks in myriads as the logs "There ain't any thing the matter, is there?" were stirred. The deep red blaze sent forth a rich " No, no, mother," replied Wardle; " he says there's glow, that penetrated into the farthest corner of the a snow-drift, and a wind that's piercing cold. I room, and cast its cheerful tint on every face. should know that, by the way it rumbles in the "Come," said Wardle, "a song-a Christmas song! chimney." I'll give you one, in default of a better." "Ah!" said the old lady, " there was'just such a "Bravo!" said Mr. Pickwick. wind, and just such a fall of snow, a good many Fill up," cried Wardle. " It will be two hours, years back, I recollect-just five years before your good, before you see the bottom of the bowl through poor father died. It was a Christmas-eve, too; and the deep rich color of the wassail; fill up all round, I remember that on that very night he told us the and now for the song." story about the goblins that carried away old GaThus saying, the merry old gentleman, in a good, briel Grub." round, sturdy voice, commenced without more ado: "The story about what?" said Mr. Pickwick. "Oh, nothing, nothing," replied Wardle. "About A CHRISTMAS CAROL. an old sexton, that the good people down here sup"I care not for Spring; on his fickle wing pose to have been carried away by goblins." Let the blossoms and buds be borne: "Suppose!" ejaculated the old lady. "Is there He woos them amain with his treacherous rain, any body hardy enough to disbelieve it? Suppose! And he scatters them ere the morn. Haven't you heard ever since you were a child, that An inconstant elf, he knows not himself, he was carried away by the goblins, and don't you Nor his own changing mind an hour, He'll smile in your face, and, with wry grimace, know he was?" He'll wither your youngest flower. "Very well, mother, he was, if you like," said Wardle, laughing. "He was carried away by goblins, " Let the Summer bsn to his bright home run,Pickwick; and there's an end of the matter." He shall never be sought by me * When he's dimmed by a cloud I can laugh aloud, "No, no," said Mr. Pickwick, "not an end of it, I And care not how sulky he be! assure you; for I must hear how, and why, and all For his darling child is the madness wild about it." That sports in fierce fever's train; Wardle smiled, as every head was bent forward to And when love is too strong, it don't last long, hear; and filling out the wassail with no stinted As many have found to their pain. hand, nodded a health to Mr. Pickwick, and began "A mild harvest night, by the tranquil light as follows: Of the modest and gentle moon, But bless our editorial heart, what a long chapter Has a far sweeter sheen, for me, I ween, we have been betrayed into! We had quite forgotThan the broad and unblushing noon. ten all such petty restrictions as chapters, we solemnAs it lieth beneath the tree; As it liet beneath the tree * Bly declare. So here goes, to give the goblin a fair So let Autumn air be never so fair, start in a new one! A clear stage and no favor for It by no means agrees with me. the goblins, ladies and gentlemen, if you please. LARCENOUS GOBLINS. 171 CHAPTER XXIX. the shaven-headed monks. As Gabriel walked on, THE STORY OF THE GOBLINS WHO STOLE A SEXTON. and the voice drew nearer, he found it proceeded from a small boy, who was hurrying along, to join " N an old abbey town, down in this part of the one of the little parties in the old street, and who, L country, a long, long while ago-so long, that the partly to keep himself company, and partly to prestory must be a true one, because our great-grandfa- pare himself for the occasion, was shouting out the thers implicitly believed it-there officiated as sex- song at the highest pitch of his lungs. So Gabriel ton and grave-digger in the church-yard one Gabriel waited until the boy came up, and then dodged him Grub. It by no means follows that because a man into a corner, and rapped him over the head with his is a sexton, and constantly surrounded by the em- lantern five or six times, to teach him to modulate blems of mortality, therefore he should be a morose his voice. And as the boy hurried away with his and melancholy man; your undertakers are the mer- hand to his head, singing quite a different sort of riest fellows in the world; and I once had the honor tune, Gabriel Grub chuckled very heartily to himself, of being on intimate terms with a mute, who in pri- and entered the church-yard, locking the gate bevate life, and off duty, was as comical and jocose a hind him. little fellow as ever chirped out a devil-may-care "He took off his coat, put down his lantern, and song, without a hitch in his memory, or drained off getting into the unfinished grave, worked at it for the contents of a good stiff glass without stopping an hour or so, with right good-will. But the earth for breath. But, notwithstanding these precedents was hardened with the frost, and it was no very easy to the contrary, Gabriel Grub was an ill-conditioned, matter to break it up and shovel it'out; and alcross-grained, surly fellow-a morose and lonely man, though there was a moon, it was a very young one, who consorted with nobody but himself, anl an old and shed little light upon the grave, which was in wicker bottle which fitted into his large deep waist- the shadow of the church. At any other time, these coat pocket-and who eyed each merry face, as it obstacles would have made Gabriel Grub very moody passed him by, with such a deep scowl of malice and and miserable, but he was so well pleased with havill-humor, as it was difficult to meet, without feeling ing stopped the small boy's singing, that he took something the worse for. little heed of the scanty progress he had made, and "A little before twilight, one Christmas-eve, Ga- looked down into the grave, when he had finished briel shouldered his spade, lighted his lantern, and work for the night, with grim satisfaction: murmurbetook himself toward the old church-yard; for he ing as he gathered up his things: had got a grave to finish by next morning, and, feel- Brave lodgings for one, brave lodgings for one, ing very low, he thought it might raise his spirits, A few feet of cold earth, when life is done; perhaps, if he went on with his work at once. As A stone at the head, a stone at the feet, he wended his way, up the ancient street, he saw the A rich, juicy meal for the worms to eat; cheerful light of the blazing fires gleam through the Rank rass overhead, and damp clay around, old casements, and heard the loud laugh and the Brave lodgings for one, these, in holy ground' cheerful shouts of those who were assembled around "'Ho! ho!' laughed Gabriel Grub, as he sat himthem; he marked the bustling preparations for next self down on a flat tombstone which was a favorite day's cheer, and smelt the numerous savory odors resting-place of his; and drew forth his wicker botconsequent thereupon, as they steamed up from the tle.'A coffin at Christmas! A Christmas-box. kitchen windows in clouds. All this was gall and Ho! ho! ho!' wormwood to the heart of Gabriel Grub; and when "'Ho! ho! ho! repeated a voice which sounded groups of children, bounded out of the houses, trip- close behind him. ped across the road, and were met, before they could " Gabriel paused, in some alarm, in the act of raisknock at the opposite door, by half a dozen curly- ing the wicker bottle to his lips: and looked round. headed little rascals who crowded round them as The bottom of the oldest grave about him was not they flocked up stairs to spend the evening in their more still and quiet than the church-yard in the Christmas games, Gabriel smiled grimly, and clutch- pale moonlight. The cold hoar-frost glistened on ed the handle of his spade with a firmer grasp, as he the tombstones, and sparkled like rows of gems, thought of measles, scarlet-fever, thrush, hooping- among the stone carvings of the old church. The cough, and a good many other sources of consolation snow lay hard and crisp upon the ground; and besides. spread over the thickly-strewn mounds of earth, so "In this happy frame of mind, Gabriel strode white and smooth a cover, that it seemed as if corpses along: returning a short, sullen growl to the good- lay there, hidden only by their winding-sheets. Not humored greetings of such of his neighbors as now the faintest rustle broke the profound tranquillity and then passed him: until he turned into the dark of the solemn scene. Sound itself appeared to be lane which led to the church-yard. Now, Gabriel frozen up, all was so cold and still. had been looking forward to reaching the dark lane, "' It was the echoes,' said Gabriel Grub, raising because it was, generally speaking, a nice, gloomy, the bottle to his lips again. mournful place, into which the towns-people did not "' It was not,' said a deep voice. much care to go, except in broad daylight, and when "Gabriel started up, and stood rooted to the spot the sun was shining; consequently, he was not a with astonishment and terror; for his eyes rested on little indignant to hear a young urchin roaring out a form that made his blood run cold. some jolly song about a merry Christmas, in this "Seated on an upright tombstone, close to him, very sanctuary, which had been called Coffin Lane was a strange unearthly figure, whom Gabriel felt ever since the days of the old abbey, and the time of at once, was no being of this world. His long fan 172 THE PICKWICK CL UB. tastic legs which might have reached the ground, Gabriel looked fearfully round-nothing was to be were cocked up, and crossed after a quaint, fantastic seen. fashion; his sinewy arms were bare; and his hands " What have you got in that bottle' said the rested on his knees. On his short round body he goblin. wore a close covering, ornamented with small slash- "'Hollands, sir,' replied the sexton, trembling es; a short cloak dangled at his black; the collar more than ever; for he had bought it of the smugwas cut into curious peaks, which served the goblin glers, and he thought that perhaps his questioner in lieu of ruff or neckerchief; and his shoes curled might be in the excise department of the goblins. up at the toes into long points. On his head he wore "' Who drinks Hollands alone, and in a churcha broad-brimmed sugar-loaf hat, garnished with a yard, on such a night as this' said the goblin. single feather. The hat was covered with the white " Gabriel Grub! Gabriel Grub!' exclaimed the frost; and the goblin looked as if he had sat on the wild voices again. same tombstone very comfortably for two or three "The goblin leered maliciously at the terrified hundred years. He was sitting perfectly still; his sexton, and then raising his voice, exclaimed: HIS EYES RESTED ON A FORM THAT MADE HIS BLOOD RUN OOLD. tongue was put out, as if in derision; and he was'And who, then, is our fair and lawful prize?' grinning at Gabriel Grub with such a grin as only a "To this inquiry the invisible chorus replied, in a goblin could call up. strain that sounded like the voices of many choristers "' It was not the echoes,' said the goblin. singing to the mighty swell of the old church organ"'Gabriel Grub was paralyzed, and could make a strain that seemed borne to the sexton's ears upon no reply. a wild wind, and to die away as it passed onward; "' What do you do here on Christmas-eve?" said but the burden of the reply was still the same,'Gathe goblin sternly. briel Grub! Gabriel Grub!' "' I came to dig a grave, sir,' stammered Gabriel "The goblin grinned a broader grin than before, Grub. as he said,'Well, Gabriel, what do you say to this?' "'What man wanders among graves and church- "The sexton gasped for breath. yards on such a night as this?" said the goblin. "'What do you think of this, Gabriel' said the "'Gabriel Grub! Gabriel Grub!' screamed a wild goblin, kicking up his feet in the air on either side chorus of voices that seemed to fill the church-yard. of the tombstone, and looking at the turned-up GABRIEL GRUB WANTED. 173 points with as much complacency as if he had been and bounding over the tombstones like foot-balls. contemplating the most fashionable pair of Welling- The sexton's brain whirled round with the rapidity tons in all Bond Street. of the motion he beheld, and his legs reeled beneath "'It's-it's-very curious, sir,' replied the sexton, him, as the spirits flew before his eyes: when the half dead with fright;' very curious, and very pret- goblin king, suddenly darting toward him, laid his ty, but I think I'll go back and finish my work, sir, hand upon his collar, and sank with him through the if you please.' earth. "'Work!' said the goblin,'what work?' "When Gabriel Grub had had time to fetch his " The grave, sir; making the grave,' stammered breath, which the rapidity of his descent had for the the sexton. moment taken away, he found himself in what ap"' Oh, the grave, eh?' said the goblin;' who makes peared to be a large cavern, surrounded on all sides graves at a time when all other men are merry, and by crowds of goblins, ugly and grim; in the centre takes a pleasure in it' of the room, on an elevated seat, was stationed his "Again the mysterious voices replied,'Gabriel friend of the church-yard; and close beside him Grub! Gabriel Grub!' stood Gabriel Grub himself, without the power of "'I'm afraid my friends want you, Gabriel,' said motion. the goblin, thrusting his tongue farther into his "'Cold to-night,' said the king of the goblins, cheek than ever-and a most astonishing tongue it'very cold. A glass of something warm, here!' was-' I'm afraid my friends want you, Gabriel,' said "At this command, half a dozen officious goblins, the goblin. with a perpetual smile upon their faces, whom Ga"'Under favor, sir,' replied the horror-stricken briel Grub imagined to be courtiers, on that acsexton,' I don't think they can, sir; they don't know count, hastily disappeared, and presently returned me, sir; I don't think the gentlemen have ever seen with a goblet of liquid fire, which they presented to me, sir.' the king. "'Oh, yes they have,' replied the goblin;'we "'Ah!' cried the goblin, whose cheeks and throat know the man with the sulky face and grim scowl, were transparent, as he tossed down the flame, that came down the street to-night, throwing his'this warms one, indeed! Bring a bumper of the evil looks at the children, and grasping his burying- same for Mr. Grub.' spade the tighter. We know the man who struck " It was in vain for the unfortunate sexton to prothe boy in the envious malice of his heart, because test that he was not in the habit of taking any thing the boy could be merry, and he could not. We know warm at night; one of the goblins held him while him, we know him.' another poured the blazing liquid down his throat; " Here the goblin gave a loud shrill laugh, which the whole assembly screeched with laughter as he the echoes returned twenty-fold: and throwing his coughed and choked, and wiped away the tears legs up in the air, stood upon his head, or rather which gushed plentifully from his eyes, after swalupon the very point of his sugar-loaf hat, on the nar- lowing the burning draught. row edge of the tombstone: from whence he threw a "'And now,' said the king, fantastically poking somerset with extraordinary agility, right to the sex- the taper corner of his sugar-loaf hat into the sexton's feet, at which he planted himself in the atti- ton's'eye, and thereby occasioning him the most extude in which tailors generally sit upon the shop- quisite pain:'and now, show the man of misery board. and gloom a few of the pictures from our own great "'I-I —am afraid I must leave you, sir,' said the store-house!' sexton, making an effort to move. "As the goblin said this, a thick cloud which ob"' Leave us!' said the goblin,' Gabriel Grub going scured the remoter end of the cavern rolled graduto leave us. Ho! ho! ho!' ally away, and disclosed, apparently at a great dis"As the goblin laughed, the sexton observed, for tance, a small and scantily furnished, but neat and one instant, a brilliant illumination within the win- clean apartment. A crowd of little children were dows of the church, as if the whole building were gathered round a bright fire, clinging to their mothlighted up; it disappeared, the organ pealed forth er's gown, and gamboling around her chair. The a lively air, and whole troops of goblins, the very mother occasionally rose, and drew aside the wincounterpart of the first one, poured into the church- dow-curtain, as if to look for some expected object; yard, and began playing at leap-frog with the tomb- a frugal meal was ready spread upon the table; and stones: never stopping for an instant to take breath, an elbow-chair was placed near the fire. A knock but'overing' the highest among them, one after was heard at the door: the mother opened it, and the other, with the most marvelous dexterity. The the children crowded round her, and clapped their first goblin was a most astonishing leaper, and none hands for joy, as their father entered. He was wet of the others could come near him; even in the ex- and weary, and shook the snow from his garments tremity of his terror the sexton could not help ob- as the children crowded round him, and seizing his serving, that while his friends were content to leap cloak, hat, stick, and gloves, with busy zeal, ran with over the common-sized grave-stones, the first one them from the room. Then, as he sat down to his took the family vaults, iron railings and all, with as meal before the fire, the children climbed about his much ease as if they had been so many street posts. knee, and the mother sat by his side, and all seemed "At last the game reached to a most exciting happiness and comfort. pitch; the organ played quicker and quicker; and " But a change came upon the view, almost imthe goblins leaped faster and faster: coiling them- perceptibly. The scene was altered to a small bedselves up, rolling head over heels upon the ground, room, where the fairest and youngest child lay dy 174 THE PICKWICK CLUB. ing; the roses had fled from his cheek, and the light spread their transparent wings, and reveled in their from his eye; and even as the sexton looked upon brief but happy existence. Man walked forth, elated him with an interest he had never felt or known be- with the scene; and all was brightness and splendor. fore, he died. His young brothers and sisters crowd- "' You a miserable man' said the king of the gobed round his little bed, and seized his tiny hand, lins, in a more contemptuous tone than before. And so cold and heavy; but they shrunk back from its again the king of the goblins gave his leg a flourish; touch, and looked with awe on his infant face; for, again it descended on the shoulders of the sexton; calm and tranquil as it was, and sleeping in rest and and again the attendant goblins imitated the exampeace as the beautiful child seemed to be, they saw pie of their chief. that he was dead, and they knew that he was an "Many a time the cloud went and came, and many Angel looking down upon, and blessing them, from a a lesson it taught to Gabriel Grub, who, although his bright and happy Heaven. shoulders smarted with pain from the frequent ap"Again the light cloud passed across the picture, plications of the goblin's feet, looked on with an inand again the subject changed. The father and terest that nothing could diminish. He saw that mother were old and helpless now, and the number men who worked hard, and earned their scanty bread of those about them was diminished more than half; with lives of labor, were cheerful and happy; and but content and cheerfulness sat on every face, and that to the most ignorant, the sweet face of nature beamed in every eye, as they crowded round the fire- was a never-failing source of cheerfulness and joy. side, and told and listened to old stories of earlier He saw those who had been delicately nurtured, and and by-gone days. Slowly and peacefully the father tenderly brought up, cheerful under privations, and sank into the grave, and, soon after, the sharer of superior to suffering, that would have crushed many all his cares and troubles followed him to a place of a rougher grain, because they bore within their of rest. The few who yet survived them, knelt by own bosoms the materials of happiness, contentment, their tomb, and watered the green turf which cover- and peace. He saw that women, the tenderest and ed it with their tears; then rose, and turned away: most fragile of all God's creatures, were the oftensadly and mournfully, but not with bitter cries, or est superior to sorrow, adversity, and distress; and despairing lamentations, for they knew that they he saw that it was because they bore, in their own should one day meet again; and once more they hearts, an inexhaustible well-spring of affection and mixed with the busy world, and their content and devotion. Above all, he saw that men like himself, cheerfulness were restored. The cloud settled upon who snarled at the mirth and cheerfulness of others, the picture, and concealed it from the sexton's view. were the foulest weeds on the fair surface of the "'What do you think of that?' said the goblin, earth; and setting all the good of the world against turning his large face toward Gabriel Grub. the evil, he came to the conclusion that it was a " Gabriel murmured out something about its be- very decent and respectable sort of world after all. ing very pretty, and looked somewhat ashamed, as No sooner had he formed it, than the cloud which the goblin bent his fiery eyes upon him. closed over the last picture seemed to settle on his "' You a miserable man!' said the goblin, in a tone senses, and lull him to repose. One by one the gobof excessive contempt.'You!' He appeared dis- lins faded from his sight; and as the last one disapposed to add more, but indignation choked his ut- peared, he sunk to sleep. terance, so he lifted up one of his very pliable legs, "The day had broken when Gabriel Grub awoke, and flourishing it above his head a little, to insure and found himself lying at full length on the flat his aim, administered a good sound kick to Gabriel grave-stone in the church-yard, with the wicker Grub; immediately after which, all the goblins in bottle lying empty by his side, and his coat, spade, waiting crowded round the wretched sexton, and and lantern, all well whitened by the last night's kicked him without mercy: according to the estab- frost, scattered on the ground. The stone on which lished and invariable custom of courtiers upon earth, he had first seen the goblin seated, stood bolt upwho kick whom royalty kicks, and hug whom roy- right before him, and the grave at which he had alty hugs. worked the night before, was not far off. At first, "' Show him some more!' said the king of the he began to doubt the reality of'his adventures, but goblins. the acute pain in his shoulders when he attempted "At these words, the cloud was dispelled, and a to rise, assured him that the kicking of the goblins rich and beautiful landscape was disclosed to view was certainly not ideal. He was staggered again, -there is just such another, to this day, within half by observing no traces of footsteps in the snow on a mile of the old abbey town. The sun shone from which the goblins had played at leap-frog with the out the clear blue sky, the water sparkled beneath grave-stones, but he speedily accounted for this cirhis rays, and the trees looked greener, and the flow- cumstance when he remembered that, being spirits, ers more gay, beneath his cheering influence. The they would leave no visible impression behind them. water rippled on, with a pleasant sound; the trees So, Gabriel Grub got on his feet as well as he could, rustled in the light wind that murmured among their for the pain in his back; and brushing the frost off his leaves; the birds sang upon the boughs; and the coat, put it on, and turned his face toward the town. lark caroled on high, her welcome to the morning. "But he was an altered man, and he could not Yes, it was morning: the bright, balmy morning of bear the thought of returning to a place where his summer; the minutest leaf, the smallest blade of repentance would be scoffed at, and his reformation grass, was instinct with life. The ant crept forth disbelieved. He hesitated for a few moments; and to her daily toil, the butterfly fluttered and basked then turned away to wander where he might, and in the warm rays of the sun; myriads of insects seek his bread elsewhere. LIVE AND LEARN. 175 "The lantern, the spade, and the wicker bottle, "Wery good, sir," replied Sam. " There's a couple were found that day in the church-yard. There o' Sawbones down stairs." were a great many speculations about the sexton's "A couple of what!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, sitfate at first, but it was speedily determined that he ting up in bed. had been carried away by the goblins; and there "A couple o' Sawbones," said Sam. were not wanting some very credible witnesses who "What's a Sawbones?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, had distinctly seen him whisked through the air on not quite certain whether it was a live animal, or the back of a chestnut horse blind of one eye, with something to eat. the hind-quarters of a lion, and the tail of a bear. "What! Don't you know what a Sawbones is, At length all this was devoutly believed; and the sir?" inquired Mr. Weller. "I thought every body new sexton used to exhibit to the curious, for a tri- know'd as a Sawbones was a Surgeon." fling emolument, a good-sized piece of the church "Oh, a Surgeon, eh?" said Mr. Pickwick, with a weather-cock which had been accidentally kicked smile. off by the aforesaid horse in his airial flight, and "Just that, sir,"'replied Sam. "These here ones picked up by himself in the church-yard a year or as is below, though, ain't reg'lar thorough-bred Sawtwo afterward. bones; they're only in trainin'." "Unfortunately, these stories were somewhat dis- " In other words, they're Medical Students, I supturbed by the unlooked-for re-appearance of Gabriel pose?" said Mr. Pickwick. Grub himself, some ten years afterward, a ragged, Sam Weller nodded assent. contented, rheumatic old man. He told his story to "I am glad of it," said Mr. Pickwick, casting his the clergyman, and also to the mayor; and in course night-cap energetically on the counterpane. " They of time it began to be received as a matter of history, are fine fellows; very fine fellows; with judgments in which form it has continued down to this very matured by observation and reflection; tastes refined day. The believers in the weather-cock tale, having by reading and study. I am very glad of it." misplaced their confidence once, were not easily pre- "They're a-smokin' cigars by the kitchen fire," vailed upon to part with it again, so they looked as said Sam. wise as they could, shrugged their shoulders, touch- "Ah!" observed Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his hands, ed their foreheads, and murmured something about " overflowing with kindly feelings and animal spirits. Gabriel Grub having drunk all the Hollands, and Just what I like to see." then fallen asleep on the flat tombstone; and they "And one on'em," said Sam, not noticing his masaffected to explain what he supposed he had wit- ter's interruption, " one on'em's got his legs on the nessed in the goblin's cavern, by saying that he had table, and is a-drinkin' brandy neat, vile the tother seen the world, and grown wiser. But this opinion, one-him in the barnacles-has got a barrel o' oyswhich was by no means a popular one at any time, ters atween his knees, wich he's a-openin' like steam, gradually died off; and be the matter how it may, and as fast as he eats'em, he takes a aim vith the as Gabriel Grub was afflicted with rheumatism to shells at young dropsy, who's a-sittin' down fast the end of his days, this story has at least one moral, asleep in the chimbley-corner." if it teach no better one-and that is, that if a man " Eccentricities of genius, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. turn sulky and drink by himself at Christmas-time, "You may retire." he may make up his mind to be not a bit the better Sam did retire accordingly; Mr. Pickwick, at the for it: let the spirits be never so good, or let them expiration of the quarter of an hour, went down to be even as many degrees beyond proof as those which breakfast. Gabriel Grub saw in the goblin's cavern." "Here he is at last!" said old Mr. Wardle. " Pickwick, this is Miss Allen's brother, Mr. Benjamin Al+ -— *~ —-len. Ben we call him, and so may you if you like. This gentleman is his very particular friend, Mr.-" CHAPTER XXX. " Mr. Bob Sawyer," interposed Mr. Benjamin Allen; whereupon Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Benjamin Allen HOW THE PICKWICKIANS MADE AND CULTIVATEDlaughed in concert. THE ACQUAINTANCE OF A COUPLE OF NICE YOUNG M Pickwick bowed to Bob Sawyer, and Bob MEN BELONGING TO ONE OF THE LIBERAL PRO- Sawyer bowed to Mr. Pickwick; Bob and his very FESSIONS; HOW THEY DISPORTED THEMSELVES FESSIONS; HOW THEY DISPORTED THEMSELVESI particular friend then applied themselves most asON THE ICE AND HOW THEIR FIRST VISIT CACME siduously to the eatables before them; and Mr. PickTO A CONCLUSION. wick had an opportunity of glancing at them both. " TTELI, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, as that favor- Mr. Benjamin Allen was a coarse, stout, thick-set V ed servitor entered his bed-chamber with his young man, with black hair cut rather short, and a warm water, on the morning of Christmas-day," still white face cut rather long. He was embellished frosty?" with spectacles, and wore a white neckerchief. Be"Water in the wash-hand basin's a mask o' ice, low his single-br6asted black surtout, which was sir," responded Sam. buttoned up to his chin, appeared the usual number " Severe weather, Sam," observed Mr. Pickwick. of pepper-and-salt colored legs, terminating in a pair " Fine time for them as is well wropped up, as the of imperfectly polished boots. Although his coat was Polar Bear said to himself ven he was practicing his short in the sleeves, it disclosed no vestige of a linen skating," replied Mr. Weller. wristband; and although there was quite enough of "I shall be down in a quarter of an hour, Sam," his face to admit of the encroachment of a shirtsaid Mr. Pickwick, untying his night-cap. collar, it was not graced by the smallest approach to 176 THE PICKWICK CLUB. that appendage. He presented, altogether, rather As Mr. Pickwick spoke, the ladies, gallantly esa mildewy appearance, and emitted a fragrant odor corted by Messrs. Snodgrass, Winkle, and Tupman, of full-flavored Cubas. returned from an early walk. Mr. Bob Sawyer, who was habited in a coarse blue "Why, Ben!" said Arabella, in a tone which excoat, which, without being either a great-coat or a pressed more surprise than pleasure at the sight of surtout, partook of the nature and qualities of both, her brother. had about him that sort of slovenly smartness, and "Come to take you home to-morrow," replied Benswaggering gait, which is peculiar to young gentle- jamin. men who smoke in the streets by day, shout and Mr. Winkle turned pale. scream in the same by night, call waiters by their "Don't you see Bob Sawyer, Arabella?" inquired Christian names, and do various other acts and deeds Mr. Benjamin Allen, somewhat reproachfully. Araof an equally facetious description. He wore a pair bella gracefully held out her hand, in acknowledgof plaid trowsers, and a large, rough, double-breasted ment of Bob Sawyer's presence. A thrill of hatred waistcoat; out-of-doors he carried a thick stick with struck to Mr. Winkle's heart, as Bob Sawyer inflicta big top. He eschewed gloves, and looked, upon ed on the proffered hand a perceptible squeeze. the whole, something like a dissipated Robinson "Ben, dear!" said Arabella, blushing; "haveCrusoe. have-you been introduced to Mr. Winkle?" Such were the two worthies to whom Mr. Pick- "I have not been, but I shall be very happy to be, wick was introduced, as he took his seat at the Arabella," replied her brother gravely. Here Mr. breakfast-table on Christmas morning. Allen bowed grimly to Mr. Winkle, while Mr. Winkle "Splendid morning, gentlemen," said Mr. Pick- and Mr. Bob Sawyer glanced mutual distrust out of wick. the corners of their eyes. Mr. Bob Sawyer slightly nodded his assent to the The arrival of the two new visitors, and the conproposition, and asked Mr. Benjamin Alien for the sequent check upon Mr. Winkle and the young lady mustard. with the fur round her boots, would in all probabil" Have you come far this morning, gentlemen?" ity have proved a very unpleasant interruption to inquired Mr. Pickwick. the hilarity of the party, had not the cheerfulness of "Blue Lion at Muggleton," briefly responded Mr. Mr. Pickwick and the good-humor of the host been Allen. exerted to the very utmost for the common weal. " You should have joined us last night," said Mr. Mr. Winkle gradually insinuated himself into the Pickwick..good graces of Mr. Benjamin Allen, and even joined "So we should," replied Bob Sawyer, "but the in a friendly conversation with Mr. Bob Sawyer; brandy was too good to leave in a hurry: wasn't it, who, enlivened with the brandy, and the breakfast, Ben " and the talking, gradually ripened into a state of ex"Certainly," said Mr. Benjamin Allen; "and the treme facetiousness, and related with much glee an cigars were not bad, or the pork chops either: were agreeable anecdote about the removal of a tumor they, Bob?" on some gentleman's head: which he illustrated by "Decidedly not," said Bob. The particular friends means of an oyster-knife and a half-quartern loaf, resumed their attack upon the breakfast more freely to the great edification of the assembled company. than before, as if the recollection of last night's sup- Then the whole train went to church, where Mr. per had imparted a new relish to the meal. Benjamin Allen fell fast asleep: while Mr. Bob Saw"Peg away, Bob," said Mr. Allen to his compan- yer abstracted his thoughts from worldly matters, ion, encouragingly. by the ingenious process of carving his name on the "So I do," replied Bob Sawyer. And so, to do him seat of the pew, in corpulent letters of four inches justice, he did. long. "Nothing like dissecting to give one an appetite," "No said Wardle, after a substantial lunch, said Mr. Bob Sawyer, looking round the table. with the agreeable items of strong-beer and cherryMr. Pickwick slightly shuddered. brandy, had been done ample justice to; " what say " By-the-bye, Bob," said Mr. Allen, " have you fin- you to an hour on the ice? We shall have plenty ished that leg yet " of time." "Nearly," replied Sawyer, helping himself to half "Capital!" said Mr. Benjamin Allen. a fowl as he spoke. "It's a very muscular one for a "Prime!" ejaculated Mr. Bob Sawyer. child's."' You skate, of course, Winkle?" said Wardle. " Is it?" inquired Mr. Allen, carelessly. "Ye-yes; oh, yes," replied Mr. Winkle. " I-I" Very," said Bob Sawyer, with his mouth full. am rather out of practice." " I've put my name down for an arm, at our place," "Oh, do skate, Mr. Winkle," said Arabella. "I said Mr. Allen. " We're clubbing for a subject, and like to see it so much.' the list is nearly full, only we can't get hold of any " Oh, it is so graceful," said another young lady. fellow that wants a head. I wish you'd take it." A third young lady said it was elegant, and a "No," replied Bob Sawyer; "can't afford expen- fourth expressed her opinion that it was "swansive luxuries." like." " Nonsense!" said Allen. " I should be very happy, I'm sure," said Mr. Win"Can't indeed,"rejoined Bob Sawyer. "I wouldn't kle, reddening; " but I have no skates." mind a brain, but I couldn't stand a whole head." This objection was at once overruled. Trundle "Hush, hush, gentlemen, pray," said Mr. Pickwick, had a couple of pair, and the fat boy announced that "I hear the ladies." there were half a dozen more down stairs; whereat MR. WINKLE ON SKATES. 177 Mr. Winkle expressed exquisite delight, and looked "Stop, Sam, stop!" said Mr. Winkle, trembling vioexquisitely uncomfortable. lently, and clutching hold of Sam's arms with the Old Wardle led the way to a pretty large sheet of grasp of a drowning man. "How slippery it is, ice; and the fat boy and Mr. Weller, having shovel- Sam!" ed and swept away the snow which had fallen on it "Not an uncommon thing upon ice, sir," replied during the night, Mr. Bob Sawyer adjusted his skates Mr. Weller. " Hold up, sir!" with a dexterity which to Mr. Winkle was perfectly This last observation of Mr. Weller's bore refermarvelous, and described circles with his left leg, ence to a demonstration Mr. Winkle made at the inand cut figures of eight, and inscribed upon the ice, stant, of a frantic desire to throw his feet in the air, without once stopping for breath, a great many oth- and dash the back of his head on the ice. er pleasant and astonishing devices, to the excessive "These-these-are very awkward skates; ain't satisfaction of Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Tupman, and the they, Sam?" inquired Mr. Winkle, staggering. ladies: which reached a pitch of positive enthusiasm, "I'm afeerd there's a orkard gen'l'm'n in'em, sir," when old Wardle and Benjamin Allen, assisted by replied Sam. "I WISH YOU'D LET ME BLEED YOU." the aforesaid Bob Sawyer, performed some mystic "Now, Winkle," cried Mr. Pickwick, quite unconevolutions, which they called a reel. scious that there was anything the matter. "Come; All this time, Mr. Winkle, with his face and hands the ladies are all anxiety." blue with the cold, had been forcing a gimlet into "Yes, yes," replied Mr. Winkle, with a ghastly the soles of his feet, and putting his skates on, with smile. "I'm coming." the points behind, and getting the straps into a very "Just agoin' to begin," said Sam, endeavoring to complicated and entangled state, with the assistance disengage himself. " Now, sir, start off!" of Mr. Snodgrass, who knew rather less about skates " Stop an instant, Sam," gasped Mr. Winkle, clingthan a Hindoo. At length, however, with the as- ing most affectionately to Mr. Weller. "I find I've sistance of Mr. Weller, the unfortunate skates were got a couple of coats at home that I don't want, Sam. firmly screwed and buckled on, and Mr. Winkle was You may have them, Sam." raised to his feet. "Thank'ee, sir," replied Mr. Weller. "Now, then, sir," said Sam, in an encouraging "Never mind touching your hat, Sam," said Mr. tone; "off vith you, and show'em how to do it." Winkle, hastily. "You needn't take your hand away 12 178 THE PICKWICK CLUB. to do that. I meant to have given you five shillings With those words Mr. Pickwick turned slowly on this morning for a Christmas-box, Sam. I'll give it his heel, and rejoined his friends. you this afternoon, Sam." While Mr. Pickwick was delivering himself of the " You're wery good, sir," replied Mr. Weller. sentiment just recorded, Mr. Weller and the fat boy, " Just hold me at first, Sam; will you?" said Mr. having by their joint'endeavors cut out a slide, were Winkle. "There-that's right. I shall soon get exercising themselves thereupon in a very masterin the way of it, Sam. Not too fast, Sam; not too ly and brilliant manner. Sam Weller, in particular, fast!" was displaying that beautiful feat of fancy-sliding Mr. Winkle stooping forward, with his body half which is currently denominated "knocking at the doubled up, was being assisted over the ice by Mr. cobbler's door," and which is achieved by skimming Weller, in a very singular and un-swan-like manner, over the ice on one foot, and occasionally giving a when Mr. Pickwick most innocently shouted from postman's knock upon it with the other. It was a the opposite bank: good long slide, and there was something in the mo" Sam!" tion which Mr. Pickwick, who was very cold with " Sir " standing still, could not help envying. " Here. I want you." "It looks a nice warm exercise that, doesn't it?" " Let go, sir," said Sam. " Don't you hear the he inquired of Wardle, when that gentleman was governor a-callin'? Let go, sir." thoroughly out of breath, by reason of the indefatiWith a violent effort, Mr. Weller disengaged him- gable manner in which he had converted his legs self from the grasp of the agonized Pickwickian, into a pair of compasses, and drawn complicated and, in so doing, administered a considerable impetus problems on the ice. to the unhappy Mr. Winkle. With an accuracy "Ah, it does indeed," replied Wardle. "Do you which no degree of dexterity or practice could have slide?" insured, that unfortunate gentleman bore swiftly " I used to do so on the gutters, when I was a boy," down into the centre of the reel at the very moment replied Mr. Pickwick. when Mr. Bob Sawyer was performing a flourish of "Trry it now," said Wardle. unparalleled beauty. Mr. Winkle struck wildly "Oh do, please, Mr. Pickwick!" cried all the ladies. against him, and with a loud crash they both fell "I should be very happy to afford you any amuseheavily down. Mr. Pickwick ran to the spot. Bob ment," replied Mr. Pickwick, "but I haven't done Sawyer had risen to his feet, but Mr. Winkle was far such a thing these thirty years." too wise to do any thing of the kind in skates. He "Pooh! pooh! Nonsense!" saidWardle, dragging was seated on the ice, making spasmodic efforts to off his skates with the impetuosity which charactersmile; but anguish was depicted on every lineament ized all his proceedings. " Here; I'll keep you comof his countenance. pany; come along!" And away. went the good"Are you hurt?" inquired Mr. Benjamin Allen, tempered old fellow down the slide, with a rapidity with great anxiety. which came very close upon M*Weller, and beat the "Not much," said Mr. Winkle, rubbing his back fat boy all to nothing. very hard. Mr. Pickwick paused, considered, pulled off his "I wish you'd let me bleed you,' said Mr. Benja- gloves and put them in his hat: took two or three min, with great eagerness. short runs, balked himself as often, and at last took "No, thank you," replied Mr. Winkle hurriedly. another run, and went slowly and gravely down the " I really think you had better," said Allen. slide, with his feet about a yard and a quarter apart, "Thank you," replied Mr. Winkle; "I'd rather amidst the gratified shouts of all the spectators. not." " Keep the pot a-bilin', sir!" said Sam; and down "What do you think, Mr. Pickwick?" inquired went Wardle again, and then Mr. Pickwick, and then Bob Sawyer. Sam, and then Mr. Winkle, and then Mr. Bob Sawyer, Mr. Pickwick was excited and indignant. He and then the fat boy, and then Mr. Snodgrass, followbeckoned to Mr. Weller, and said in a stern voice, ing closely upon each other's heels, and running af"Take his skates off." ter each other with as much eagerness as if all their "No; but really I had scarcely begun," remon- future prospects in life depended on their expedition. strated Mr. Winkle. It was the most intensely interesting thing, to ob"Take his skates off," repeated Mr. Pickwick serve the manner in which Mr. Pickwick performed firmly. his share in the ceremony; to watch the torture of The command was not to be resisted. Mr. Winkle anxiety with which he viewed the person behind, allowed Sam to obey it in silence. gaining upon him at the imminent hazard of tripping "Lift him up," said Mr. Pickwick. Sam assisted him up; to see him gradually expend the painful him to rise. force he had put on at first, and turn slowly round on Mr. Pickwick retired a few paces apart from the the slide, with his face toward the point from which by-standers; and, beckoning his friend to approach, he had started; to contemplate the playful smile fixed a searching look upon him, and uttered in a which mantled on his face when he had accomplishlow, but distinct and emphatic tone, these remark- ed the distance, and the eagerness with which he able words: turned round when he had done so, and ran after his " You're a humbug, sir." predecessor: his black gaiters tripping pleasantly "A what?" said Mr. Winkle, starting. through the snow, and his eyes beaming cheerfulness "A humbug, sir. I will speak plainer, if you wish and gladness through his spectacles. And when he it. An impostor, sir." was knocked down (which happened upon the av IN AND OUT. 179 erage every third round), it was the most invigor- steps, and Mr. Benjamin Allen was holding a hurried ating sight that can possibly be imagined to behold consultation with Mr. Bob Sawyer, on the advisabilihim gather up his hat, gloves, and handkerchief, ty of bleeding the company generally, as an improvwith a glowing countenance, and resume his station ing little bit of professional practice - it was at in the rank, with an ardor and enthusiasm that noth- this very moment, that a face, head, and shoulders, ing could abate. emerged from beneath the water, and disclosed the The sport was at its height, the sliding was at the features and spectacles of Mr. Pickwick. quickest, the laughter was at the loudest, when a "Keep yourself up for an instant-for only one sharp smart crack was heard. There was a quick instant!" bawled Mr. Snodgrass. rush toward the bank, a wild scream from the ladies, "Yes, do; let me implore yollu-for my sake!" and a shout from Mr. Tupman. A large mass of ice roared Mr. Winkle, deeply affected. The adjuration disappeared, the water bubbled up over it; Mr. Pick- was rather unnecessary; the probability being, that wick's hat, gloves, and handkerchief were floating on if Mr. Pickwick had declined to keep himself up for ----—' -._^ —-^^^^^- - A LARGE MASS OF ICE DISAPPEARED. the surface; and this was all of Mr. Pickwick that any body else's sake, it would have occurred to him any body could see. that he might as well do so for his own. Dismay and anguish were depicted on every coun- " Do you feel the bottom there, old fellow?" said tenance, the males turned pale, and the females faint- Wardle. ed, Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle grasped each other "Yes, certainly," replied Mr. Pickwick, wringing by the hand, and gazed at the spot where their leader the water from' his head and face, and gasping for had gone down, with frenzied eagerness: while Mr. breath. "I fell upon my back. I couldn't get on Tupman, by way of rendering the promptest assist- my feet at first." ance, and at the same time conveying to any persons The clay upon so much of Mr. Pickwick's coat as who might be within hearing, the clearest possible was yet visible, bore testimony to the accuracy of notion of the catastrophe, ran off across the country this statement; and as the fears of the spectators at his utmost speed, screaming " Fire!" with all his were still further relieved by the fat boy's suddenly might. recollecting that the water was nowhere more than It was at this moment, when old Wardle and Sam five feet deep, prodigies of valor were performed to Weller were approaching the hole with cautious get him out. After a vast quantity of splashing, 180 THE PICKWICK CLUB. and cracking, and struggling, Mr. Pickwick was at ery, and his knowledge of the anatomy of the human length fairly extricated from his unpleasant position, frame, at one and the same time, inquired: and once more stood on dry land. "I say, old boy, where do you hang out t" " Oh, he'll catch his death of cold," said Emily. Mr. Pickwick replied that he was at present sus"Dear old thing!" said Arabella. "Let me wrap pended at the George and Vulture. this shawl round you, Mr. Pickwick." "I wish you'd come and see me," said Bob Sawyer. "Ah, that's the best thing you can do," said War- "Nothing would give me greater pleasure," replied die; " and when you've got it on, run home as fast Mr. Pickwick. as your legs can carry you, and jump into bed di- "There's my lodgings," said Mr. Bob Sawyer, prorectly." ducing a card. "Lant Street, Borough; it's near A dozen shawls were offered on the instant. Three Guy's, and handy for me, you know. Little distance or four of the thickest having been selected, Mr. after you've passed Saint George's Church-turns Pickwick was wrapped up, and started off, under out of the High Street on the right-hand side the the guidance of Mr. Weller: presenting the singular way." phenomenon of an elderly gentleman, dripping wet, "I shall find it," said Mr. Pickwick. and without a hat, with his arms bound down to his " Come on Thursday fortnight, and bring the other sides, skimming over the ground, without any clear- chaps with you," said Mr. Bob Sawyer, "I'm going ly-defined purpose, at the rate of six good English to have a few medical fellows that night." miles an hour. Mr. Pickwick Vxpressed the pleasure it would afBut Mr. Pickwick cared not for appearances in ford him to meet The medical fellows; and after Mr. such an extreme case; and urged on by Sam Weller, Bob Sawyer had informed him that he meant to be he kept at the very top of his speed until he reached very cozy, and that his friend Ben was to be one of the door of Manor Farm, where Mr. Tupman had ar- the party, they shook hands and separated. rived some five minutes before, and had frightened We feel that in this place we lay ourself open to the old lady into palpitations of the heart by impress- the inquiry whether Mr. Winkle was whispering, ing her with the unalterable conviction that the during this brief conversation, to Arabella Allen; kitchen chimney was on fire-a calamity which al- and if so, what he said; and furthermore, whether ways presented itself in glowing colors to the old Mr. Snodgrass was conversing apart with Emily Warlady's mind when any body about her evinced the die; and if so, what he said. To this we reply, that smallest agitation. whatever they might have said to the ladies, they Mr. Pickwick paused not an instant until he was said nothing at all to Mr. Pickwick or Mr. Tupman snug in bed. Sam Weller lighted a blazing fire in for eight-and-twenty miles, and that they sighed very the room, and took up his dinner; a bowl of punch often, refused ale and brandy, and looked gloomy. was carried up afterward, and a grand carouse held If our observant lady readers can deduce any satisin honor of his safety. Old Wardle would not hear factory inferences from these facts, we beg them by of his rising, so they made the bed the chair, and Mr. all means to do so. Pickwick presided. A second and a third bowl were ordered in; and when Mr. Pickwick awoke next morning, there was not a symptom of rheumatism about him: which proves, as Mr. Bob Sawyer very CHAPTER XXXI. justly observed, that there is nothing like hot punch.WHICH IS ALL ABOUT THE LAW, AND SUNDRY GREAT in such cases: and that if ever hot punch did fail to act as a preventive, it was merely because the patient fell into the vulgar error of not taking enough of it. CATTERED about, in various holes and corners The jovial party broke up next morning. Break- k of the Temple, are certain dark and dirty chamings-up are capital things in our school-days, but in bers, in and out of which, all the morning in Vacaafter-life they are painfil enough. Death, self-in- tion, and half the evening too in Term-time, there terest, and fortune's changes, are every day breaking may be seen constantly hurrying with bundles of up many a happy group, and scattering them far and papers under their arms, and, protruding from their wide; and the boys and girls never come back again. pockets, an almost uninterrupted succession of LawWe do not mean to say that it was exactly the case yers' Clerks. There are several grades of Lawyers' in this particular instance; all we wish to inform Clerks. There is the Articled Clerk, who has paid a the reader is, that the different members of the party premium, and is an attorney in perspective, who runs dispersed to their several homes; that Mr. Pickwick a tailor's bill, receives invitations to parties, knows and his friends once more took their seats on the top a family in Gower Street, and another in Tavistock of the Muggleton coach; and that Arabella Allen re- Square: who goes out of town every Long Vacation paired to her place of destination, wherever it might to see his father, who keeps live horses innumerable; have been-we dare say Mr. Winkle knew, but we and who is, in short, the very aristocrat of clerks. confess we don't-under the care and guardianship There is the salaried clerk-out-of-door, or indoor, of her brother Benjamin, and his most intimate and as the case may be-who devotes the major part of particular friend, Mr. Bob Sawyer. his thirty shillings a week to his personal pleasure Before they separated, however, that gentleman and adornment, repairs half-price to the Adelphi and Mr. Benjamin 1llen drew Mr. Pickwick aside Theatre at least three times a week, dissipates mawith an air of some <.ystery: and Mr. Bob Sawyer jestically at the cider cellars afterward, and is a thrusting his forefinger between two of Mr. Pick- dirty caricature of the fashion which expired six wick's ribs, and thereby displaying his native droll- months ago. There is the middle- aged copying LEGAL MACHINERY. 181 clerk, with a large family, who is always shabby, That gentleman bowed, and looked somewhat surand often drunk. And there are the office lads in prised, for the physiognomy of Mr. Jackson dwelt their first surtouts, who feel a befitting contempt for not in his recollection. boys at day-schools: club as they go home at night, "I have called from Dodson and Fogg's," said Mr. for saveloys and porter: and think there's nothing Jackson, in an explanatory tone. like "life." There are varieties of the genus, too Mr. Pickwick roused at the name. "I refer you numerous to recapitulate, but however numerous to my attorney, sir: Mr. Perker, of Gray's Inn," said they may be, they are all to be seen, at certain regu- he. "Waiter, show this gentleman out." lated business hours, hurrying to and from the places "Beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick," said Jackson, we have just mentioned. deliberately depositing his hat on the floor, and These sequestered nooks are the public offices of drawing from his pocket the strip of parchment. the legal profession, where writs are issued, judg- "But personal service, by clerk or agent, in these ments signed, declarations filed, and numerous other cases, you know, Mr. Pickwick-nothing like cauingenious machines put in motion for the torture tion, sir, in all legal forms?" and torment of His Majesty's liege subjects, and the Here Mr. Jackson cast his eye on the parchment; comfort and emolument of the practitioners of the and, resting his hands on the table, and looking law. They are, for the most part, low-roofed, moldy round with a winning and persuasive smile, said: rooms, where innumerable rolls of parchment, which "Now, come; don't let's have no words about such a have been perspiring in secret for the last century, little matter as this. Which of you gentlemen's send forth an agreeable odor, which is mingled by name's Snodgrass?" day with the scent of the dry-rot, and by night with At this inquiry Mr. Snodgrass gave such a very the various exhalations which arise from damp undisguised and palpable start) that no further reply cloaks, festering umbrellas, and the coarsest tallow was needed. candles. "Ah! I thought so," said Mr. Jackson, more affaAbout half-past seven o'clock in the evening, some bly than before. "I've got a little something to ten days or a fortnight after Mr. Pickwick and his trouble you with, sir." friends returned to London, there hurried into one "Me!" exclaimed Mr. Snodgrass. of these offices, an individual in a brown coat and "It's only a subpoena in Bardell and Pickwick on brass buttons, whose long hair was scrupulously behalf of the plaintiff," replied Jackson, singling out twisted round the rim of his napless hat, and whose one of the slips of paper, and producing a shilling soiled drab trowsers were so tightly strapped over from his waistcoat-pocket. "It'll come on, in the his Blucher boots, that his knees threatened every settens after Term; fourteenth of Febooary, we exmoment to start from their concealment. He pro- pect; we've marked it a special jury cause, and it's duced from his coat-pockets a long and narrow strip only ten down the paper. That's yours, Mr. Snodof parchment, on which the presiding functionary grass." As Jackson said this, he presented the impressed an illegible black stamp. He then drew parchment before the eyes of Mr. Snodgrass, and forth four scraps of paper, of similar dimensions, each slipped the paper and the shilling into his hand. containing a printed copy of the strip of parchment Mr. Tupman had witnessed this process in silent with blanks for a name; and having filled up the astonishment, when Jackson, turning sharply upon blanks, put ll the five documents in his pocket, and him, said: hurried away. "I think I ain't mistaken when I say your name's The man in the brown coat, with the cabalistic Tupman, am I?" documents in his pocket, was no other than our old Mr. Tupman looked at Mr. Pickwick; but, peracquaintance, Mr. Jackson, of the house of Dodson ceiving no encouragement in that gentleman's wideand Fogg, Freeman's Court, Cornhill. Instead of ly-opened eyes to deny his name, said: returning to the office from whence he came, how- "Yes, my name is Tupman, sir." ever, he bent his steps direct to Sun Court, and walk- "And that other gentleman's Mr. Winkle, I think?" ing straight into the George and Vulture, demanded said Jackson. to know whether one Mr. Pickwick was within. Mr. Winkle faltered out a reply in the affirmative; "Call Mr. Pickwick's servant, Tom," said the bar- and both gentlemen were forthwith invested with a maid of the George and Vulture. slip of paper, and a shilling each, by the dexterous "Don't, trouble yourself," said Mr. Jackson, " I've Mr. Jackson. come on business. If you'll show me Mr. Pickwick's "Now," said Jackson, " I'm afraid you'll think me room, I'll step up myself." rather troublesome, but I want somebody else, if it "What name, sir?" said the waiter. ain't inconvenient. I have Samuel Weller's name "Jackson," replied the clerk. here, Mr. Pickwick." The waiter stepped up stairs to announce Mr. "Send my servant here, waiter," said Mr. PickJackson; but Mr. Jackson saved him the trouble by wick. The waiter retired, considerably astonished, following close at his heels, and walking into the and Mr. Pickwick motioned Jackson to a seat. apartment before he could articulate a syllable. There was a painful pause, which was at length Mr. Pickwick had that day invited his three friends broken by the innocent defendant. to dinner; they were all seated round the fire, drink- "I suppose, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, his indignaing their wine, when Mr. Jackson presented himself, tion rising while he spoke; " I suppose, sir, that it as above described. is the intention of your employers to seek to crimi"How de do, sir?" said Mr. Jackson, nodding to nate me upon the testimony of my own friends?" Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Jackson struck his forefinger several times 182 THE PICKWICK CLUB. against the left side of his nose, to intimate that he " Sir," said Sam, stepping up to his master. was not there to disclose the secrets of the prison- "Which way?" house, and playfully rejoined: "Up Newgate Street." "Not knowin', can't say." Mr. Pickwick did not turn round immediately, but " For what other reason, sir," pursued Mr. Pick- looked vacantly in Sam's face for a few seconds and wick, " are these subpoenas served upon them, if not heaved a deep sigh. for this?" "What's the matter, sir?" inquired Sam. " Very good plant, Mr. Pickwick," replied Jackson, "This action, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, "is exslowly shaking his head. "But it won't do. No pected to come on on the fourteenth of next month." harm in trying, but there's little to be got out of "Remarkable coincidence that'ere, sir," replied me." Sam. Here Mr. Jackson smiled once more upon the com- "Why remarkable, Sam?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. pany, and, applying his left thumb to the tip of his "Walentine's day, sir," responded Sam; "reg'lar nose, worked a visionary coffee-mill with his right good day for a breach o' promise trial." hand: thereby performing a very graceful piece of Mr. Weller's smile awakened no gleam of mirth in pantomime (then much in vogue, but now, unhappi- his master's countenance. Mr. Pickwick turned ably, almost obsolete) which was familiarly denomi- ruptly round, and led the way in silence. nated "taking a grinder." They had walked some distance: Mr. Pickwick "No, no, Mr. Pickwick," said Jackson, in conclu- trotting on before, plunged in profound meditation, sion; " Perker's people must guess what we've served and Sam following behind, with a countenance exthese subpoenas for. If they can't, they must wait pressive of the most enviable and easy defiance of till the action comes on, and then they'll find out." every thing and every body: when the latter, who Mr. Pickwick bestowed a look of excessive disgust was always especially anxious to impart to his mason his unwelcome visitor, and would probably have ter any exclusive information he possessed, quickhurled some tremendous anathema at the heads of ened his pace until he was close at Mr. Pickwick's Messrs. Dodson and Fogg, had not Sam's entrance at heels; and, pointing up at a house they were passthe instant interrupted him. ing, said: " Samuel Weller?" said Mr. Jackson, inquiringly. "Wery nice pork-shop that'ere, sir." " Vun o' the truest things as you've said for many "Yes, it seems so," said Mr. Pickwick. a long year," replied Sam, in a most composed man- "Celebrated Sassage factory," said Sam. ner. "Is it?" said Mr. Pickwick. " Here's a subpoena for you, Mr. Weller," said Jack- "Is it!" reiterated Sam, with some indignation; son. "I should rayther think it was. Why, sir, bless "What's that in English?" inquired Sam. your innocent eyebrows, that's vere the mysterious " Here's the original," said Jackson, declining the disappearance of a'spectable tradesman took place required explanation. four year ago." "Which?" said Sam. "You don't mean to say he was burked, Sam?" "This," replied Jackson, shaking the parchment. said Mr. Pickwick, looking hastily round. " Oh, that's the'rig'nal, is it?" said Sam. "Well, "No, I don't indeed, sir," replied Mr. Weller, " I I'm wery glad I've seen the'rig'nal,'cos it's a grati- wish I did; far worse than that. He was the masfyin' sort o' thing, and eases vun's mind so much." ter o' that'ere shop, sir, and the inwenter o' the pat"And here's the shilling," said Jackson. "It's ent-never-leavin'-off sassage steam-ingine, as ud from Dodson and Fogg's." swaller up a pavin'-stone if you put it too near, and "And it's uncommon handsome o' Dodson and grind it into sassages as easy as if it was a tender Fogg, as knows so little of me, to come down vith a young babby. Wery proud o' that machine he was, present," said Sam. " I feel it as a wery high com- as it was nat'ral he should be, and he'd stand down pliment, sir; it's a wery hon'rable thing to them, as in the cellar a-lookin' at it wen it was in full play, they knows how to reward merit werever they meets till he got quite melancholy with joy. A wery hapit. Besides wich, it's affectin' to one's feelin's." py man he'd ha' been, sir, in the procession o' that As Mr. Weller said this, he inflicted a little friction'ere ingine and two more lovely hinfants besides, if on his right eyelid with the sleeve of his coat, after it hadn't been for his wife, who was a most ow-dathe most approved manner of actors when they are cious wixin. She was always a-follerin' him about, in domestic pathetics. and dinnin' in his ears, till at last he couldn't stand Mr. Jackson seemed rather puzzled by Sam's pro- it no longer.'I'll tell you what it is, my dear,' he ceedings; but as he had served the subpoenas, and says one day;' if you persewere in this here sort of had nothing more to say, he made a feint of putting amusement,' he says,'I'm blessed if I don't go away on the one glove which he usually carried in his to'Merriker; and that's all about it.''You're a idle hand, fort the sake of appearances, and returned to willin', says she,' and I wish the'Merrikins joy of the office to report progress. their bargain.' Arter wich she keeps on abusin' of Mr. Pickwick slept little that night; his memory him for half an hour, and then runs into the little had received a very disagreeable refresher on the parlor behind the shop, sets to a-screamin', says he'll subject of Mrs. Bardell's action. He breakfasted be- be the death on her, and falls in a fit, which lasts for times next morning, and, desiring Sam to accompany three good hours-one o' them fits wich is all screamhim, set forth toward Gray's Inn Square. in' and kickin.' Well, next mornin', the husband "Sam!" said Mr. Pickwick, looking round, when was missin'. He hadn't taken nothin' from the till they got to the end of Cheapside. -hadn't even put on his great-coat-so it was quite WITH THE SERGEANT'S CLERK. 183 clear he warn't gone to'Merriker. Didn't come back "Don't go away, Mr. Pickwick," said Lowten, next day; didn't come back next week; Missis had "I've got a letter for you." The stranger seeming bills printed, sayin' that, if he'd come back, he should to hesitate, once more looked toward the ground, be forgiven every thin' (which was very liberal, and the clerk winked slyly at Mr. Pickwick, as if to seein' that he hadn't done nothin' at all); the canals intimate that some exquisite piece of humor was gowas dragged, and for two months artervards, wenever ing forward, though what it was Mr. Pickwick could a body turned up, it was carried, as a reg'lar thing, not for the life of him divine. straight off to the sassage-shop. Hows'ever, none "Step in, Mr. Pickwick," said Lowten. "Well, on'em answered; so they gave out that he'd run will you leave a message, Mr. Watty, or will you call avay, and she kep on the bis'ness. One Saturday again?" night, a little thin old gen'l'm'n comes into the shop "Ask him to be so kind as to leave out word what in a great passion, and says,'Are you the missis o' has been done in my business," said the man; "for this here shop?''Yes, I am,' says she.'Well, God's sake don't neglect it, Mr. Lowten." ma'am,' says he,'then I've just looked in to say that "No, no; I won't forget it," replied the clerk. me and my family ain't agoin' to be choked for noth-" Walk in, Mr. Pickwick. Good-morning, Mr. Watin'; and more than that, ma'am,' he says,'you'll al- ty; it's a fine day for walking, isn't it?" Seeing low me to observe, that as you don't use the primest that the stranger still lingered, he beckoned Sam parts of the meat in the manafacter o' sassages, I Weller to follow his master in, and shut the door in think you'd find beef come nearly as cheap as but- his face. tons.''As buttons, sir!' says she.'Buttons, ma'am,' "There never was such a pestering bankrupt as says the little old gentleman, unfolding a bit of pa- that since the world began, I do believe!" said Lowper, and showin' twenty or thirty halves o' buttons. ten, throwing down his pen with the air of an in-'Nice seasonin' for sassages is trowsers' buttons, jured man. "His affairs haven't been in Chancery ma'am.''They're my husband's buttons!' says the quite four years yet, and I'm d-d if he don't come widder, beginnin' to faint.'What!' screams the lit- worrying here twice a week. Step this way, Mr. tie old gen'l'm'n, turnin' wery pale.'I see it all,' Pickwick. Perker is in, and he'll see you, I know. says the widder;' in a fit of temporary insanity he Devilish cold," he added, pettishly, " standing at rashly converted his-self into sassages!' And so he that door, wasting one's time with such seedy vagahad, sir," said Mr. Weller, looking steadily into Mr. bonds!" Having very vehemently stirred a particuPickwick's horror-stricken countenance, " or else he'd larly large fire with a particularly small poker, the been draw'd into the ingine; but however that clerk led the way to his principal's private room, might ha' been, the little old gen'l'm'n, who had been and announced Mr. Pickwick. remarkably partial to sassages all his life, rushed out "Ah, my dear sir," said little Mr. Perker, bustling o' the shop in a wild state, and was never heerd on up from his chair. "Well, my dear sir, and what's artervards!" the news about your matter, eh? Any thing more The relation of this affecting incident of private about our friends in Freeman's Court? They've not life brought master and man to Mr. Perker's cham- been sleeping, I know that. Ah, they're very smart bers. Lowten, holding the door half open, was in fellows; very smart, indeed." conversation with a rustily-clad, miserable-looking As the little man concluded, he took an emphatic man, in boots without toes, and gloves without fin- pinch of snuff, as a tribute to the smartness of Messrs. gers. There were traces of privation and suffering- Dodson and Fogg. almost of despair-in his lank and care-worn counte- "They are great scoundrels," said Mr. Pickwick. nance; he felt his poverty, for he shrunk to the dark "Ay, ay," said the little man; "that's a matter side of the staircase as Mr. Pickwick approached. of opinion, you know, and we won't dispute about " It's very unfortunate," said the stranger, with a terms; because of course you can't be expected to sigh. view these subjects with a professional eye. Well, "Very," said Lowten, scribbling his name on the we've done every thing that's necessary. I have redoor-post with his pen, and rubbing it out again tained Sergeant Snubbin." with the feather. "Will you leave a message for "Is he a good man?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. him?" "Good man?" replied Perker; " bless your heart " When do you think he'll be back?" inquired the and soul, my dear sir, Sergeant Snubbin is at the stranger. very top of his profession. Gets treble the business "Quite uncertain," replied Lowten, winking at of any man in court-engaged in every case. You Mr. Pickwick, as the stranger cast his eyes toward needn't mention it abroad; but we say-we of the the ground. profession-that Sergeant Snubbin leads the court " You don't think it would be of any use my wait- by the nose." ing for him?" said the stranger, looking wistfully The little man took another pinch of snuff as he into the office. made this communication, and nodded mysteriously " Oh no, I'm sure it wouldn't," replied the clerk, to Mr. Pickwick. moving a little more into the centre of the door-way. "They have subpcena'd my three friends," said "He's certain not to be back this week, and it's a Mr. Pickwick. chance whether he will be next; for when Perker "Ah! of course they would," replied Perker. "Imonce gets out of town, he's never in a hurry to come portant witnesses; saw you in a delicate situation." back again." "But she fainted of her own accord," Said Mr. "Out of town!" said Mr. Pickwick; "dear me, Pickwick. "She threw herself into my arms." how unfortunate!" " Very likely, my dear sir," replied Perker; "very 184 THE PICKWICK CLUB. likely, and very natural. Nothing more so, my dear itor into the outer office of the great Sergeant Snubsir, nothing. But who's to prove it?" bin himself. " They have subpena'd my servant too," said Mr. It was an uncarpeted room of tolerable dimensions, Pickwick, quitting the other point; for there Mr. with a large writing-table drawn up near the fire: Perker's question had somewhat staggered him. the baize top of which had long since lost all claim "Sam?" said Perker. to its original hue of green, and had gradually grown Mr. Pickwick replied in the affirmative. gray with dust and age, except where all traces of "Of course, my dear sir; of course. I knew they its natural color were obliterated by ink-stains. would. I could have told you that, a month ago. Upon the table were numerous little bundles of paYou know, my dear sir, if you will take the manage- pers tied with red tape; and behind it sat an elderly ment of your affairs into your own hands after in- clerk, whose sleek appearance, and heavy gold watchtrusting them to your solicitor, you must also take chain, presented imposing indications of the extenthe consequences." Here Mr. Perker drew himself sive and lucrative practice of Mr. Sergeant Snubbin. up with conscious dignity, and brushed some stray "Is the Sergeant in his room, Mr. Mallard?" ingrains of snuff from his shirt frill. quired Perker, offering his box with all imaginable "And what do they want him to prove?" asked courtesy. Mr. Pickwick, after two or three minutes' silence. "Yes, he is," was the reply, "but he's very busy. That you sent him up to the plaintiff's to make Look here; not an opinion given yet on any one of some offer of a compromise, I suppose," replied Per- these cases; and an expedition fee paid with all of ker. "It don't matter much, though; I don't think'em." The clerk smiled as he said this, and inhaled many counsel could get a great deal out of him." the pinch of snuff with a zest which seemed to be "I don't think they could," said Mr. Pickwick; compounded of a fondness for snuff and a relish for smiling, despite his vexation, at the idea of Sam's fees. appearance as a witness. " What course do we pur- " Something like practice that," said Perker. sue?" "Yes," said the barrister's clerk, producing his "We have only one to adopt, my dear sir," replied own box, and offering it with the greatest cordiality; Perker; "cross-examine the witnesses; trust to "and the best of it is, that as nobody alive except Snubbin's eloquence; throw dust in the eyes of the myself can read the Sergeant's writing, they are judge; throw ourselves on the jury." obliged to wait for the opinions, when he has given "And suppose the verdict is against me I" said them, till I have copied'em, ha, ha, ha!" Mr. Pickwick. "Which makes good for we know who, besides Mr. Perker smiled, took a very long pinch of snuff, the Sergeant, and draws a little more out of the clistirred the fire, shrugged his shoulders, and remained ents, eh?" said Perker; "ha, ha, ha!" At this the expressively silent. Sergeant's clerk laughed again; not a noisy boister"You mean that in that case I must pay the dam- ous laugh, but a silent, internal chuckle, which Mr. ages?" said Mr. Pickwick, who had watched this Pickwick disliked to hear. When a man bleeds telegraphic answer with considerable sternness. inwardly, it is a dangerous thing for himself; but Perker gave the fire another very unnecessary when he laughs inwardly, it bodes no good to other poke, and said "I am afraid so." people. "Then I beg to announce to you, my unalterable "You haven't made me out that little list of the determination to pay no damages whatever," said fees that I'm in your debt, have you? said Perker. Mr. Pickwick, most emphatically. "None, Perker. "No, I have not," replied the clerk. Not a pound, not a penny, of my money, shall find its "I wish you would," said Perker. " Let me have way into the pockets of Dodsou and Fogg. That is them, and I'll send you a check. But I suppose my deliberate and irrevocable determination." Mr. you're too busy pocketing the ready money, to think Pickwick gave a heavy blow on the table before of the debtors, eh? ha, ha, ha!" This sally seemed him, in confirmation of the irrevocability of his in- to tickle the clerk amazingly, and he once more entention. joyed a little quiet laugh to himself. "Very well, my dear sir, very well," said Perker. "But, Mr. Mallard, my dear friend," said Perker, " You know best, of course." suddenly recovering his gravity, and drawing the "Ofcourse,"repliedMr.Pickwickhastily. "Where great man's great man into a corner, by the lappel does Sergeant Snubbin live?" of his coat; "you must persuade the Sergeant to see "In Lincoln's Inn, Old Square." replied Perker. me, and my client here." "I should like to see him," said Mr. Pickwick. "Come, come," said the clerk, "that's not bad ei"See Sergeant Snubbin, my dear sir!" rejoined ther. See the Sergeant! come, that's too absurd." Perker, in utter amazement. " Pooh, pooh, my dear Notwithstanding the absurdity of the proposal, howsir, impossible. See Sergeant Snubbin! Bless you, ever, the clerk allowed himself to be gently drawn my dear sir, such a thing was never heard of, without beyond the hearing of Mr. Pickwick; and after a a consultation fee being previously paid, and a con- short conversation conducted in whispers, walked sultation fixed. It couldn't be done, my dear sir; it softly down a little dark passage, and disappeared couldn't be done." into the legal luminary's sanctum: whence he shortMr. Pickwick, however, had made up his mind ly returned on tiptoe, and informed Mr. Perker and not only that it could be done, but that it should Mr. Pickwick that the Sergeant had been prevailed be done; and the consequence was, that within ten upon, in violation of all established rules and cusminutes after he had received the assurance that the toms, to admit them at once. thing was impossible, he was conducted by his solic- Mr. Sergeant Snubbin was a lantern-faced, sallow WITH THE SERGEANT. 185 complexioned man, of about five-and-forty, or-as These tokens of the Sergeant's presentiments on the novels say-he might be fifty. He had that the subject, slight as they were, were not lost on dull-looking boiled eye which is often to be seen in Mr. Pickwick. He settled the spectacles, through the heads of people who have applied themselves which he had attentively regarded such demonstraduring many years to a weary and laborious course tions of the barrister's feelings as he had permitted of study; and which would have been sufficient, himself to exhibit, more firmly on his nose; and said without the additional eye-glass which dangled from with great energy, and in utter disregard of all Mr. a broad black ribbon round his neck, to warn a Perker's admonitory winkings and frownings: stranger that he was very near-sighted. His hair "My wishing to wait upon you for such a purwas thin and weak, which was partly attributable pose as this, sir, appears, I have no doubt, to a gento his having never devoted much time to its ar- tleman who sees so much of these matters as you rangement, and partly to his having worn for five- must necessarily do, a very extraordinary circumand-twenty years the forensic wig which hung on a stance." block beside him. The marks of hair-powder on his The Sergeant tried to look gravely at the fire, but coat collar, and the ill-washed and worse tied white the smile came back again. neckerchief round his throat, showed that he had "Gentlemen of your profession, sir," continued not found leisure since he left the court to make any Mr. Pickwick, see the worst side of human nature. alteration in his dress: while the slovenly style of All its disputes, all its ill-will and bad blood, rise up the remainder of his costume warranted the infer- before you. You know from your experience of juence that his personal appearance would not have ries (I mean no disparagement to you, or them) how been very much improved if he had. Books of prac- much depends upon effect: and you are apt to attribtice, heaps of papers, and opened letters, were scat- ute to others a desire to use, for purposes of deceptered over the table, without any attempt at order tion and self-interest, the very instruments, which or arrangement; the furniture of the room was old you, in pure honesty and honor of purpose, and with and rickety; the doors of the book-case were rotting a laudable desire to do your utmost for your client, in their hinges; the dust flew out from the carpet know the temper and worth of so well, from conin little clouds at every step; the blinds were yellow stantly employing them yourselves. I really believe with age and dirt; the state of every thing in the that to this circumstance may be attributed the vulroom showed, with a clearness not to be mistaken, gar but very general notion of your being, as a body, that Mr. Sergeant Snubbin was far too much occu- suspicious, distrustful, and overcautious. Conscious pied with his professional pursuits to take any great as I.am, sir, of the disadvantage of making such a heed or regard of his personal comforts. declaration to you, under such circumstances, I have The Sergeant was writing when his clients enter- come here, because I wish you distinctly to undered; he bowed abstractedly when Mr. Pickwick was stand, as my friend Mr. Perker has said, that I am introduced by his solicitor; and then, motioning innocent of the falsehood laid to my charge; and them to a seat, put his pen carefully in the inkstand, although I am very well aware of the inestimable nursed his left leg, and waited to be spoken to. value of your assistance, sir, I must beg to add, that "Mr. Pickwick is the defendant in Bardell and unless you sincerely believe this, I would rather be Pickwick, Sergeant Snubbin," said Perker. deprived of the aid of your talents than have the ad" I am retained in that, am I t" said the Sergeant. vantage of them." "You are, sir," replied Perker. Long before the close of this address, which we The Sergeant nodded his head, and waited for are bound to say was of a very prosy character for something else. Mr. Pickwick, the Sergeant had relapsed into a state "Mr. Pickwick was anxious to call upon you, Ser- of abstraction. After some minutes, however, durgeant Snubbin," said Perker, "to state to you, before ing which he had re-assumed his pen, he appeared to you entered upon the case, that he denies there being be again aware of the presence of his clients; raisany ground or pretense whatever for the action ing his head from the paper, he said, rather snapagainst him; and that unless he came into court pishly, with clean hands, and without the most conscientious "Who is with me in this case?" conviction that he was right in resisting the plaint- "Mr. Phunky, Sergeant Snubbin," replied the atiff's demand, he would not be there at all. I believe torney. I state your views correctly; do I not, my dear sir?" " Phunky, Phunky," said the Sergeant, " I never said the little man, turning to Mr. Pickwick. heard the name before. He must be a very young "Quite so," replied that gentleman. man. Mr. Sergeant Snubbin unfolded his glasses, raised "Yes, he is a very young man," replied the attorthem to his eyes; and, after looking at Mr. Pickwick ney. "He was only called the other day. Let me'for a few seconds with great curiosity, turned to Mr. see-he has not been at the Bar eight years yet." Perker, and said, smiling slightly as he spoke: "Ah, I thought not," said the Sergeant, in that " Has Mr. Pickwick a strong case?" sort of pitying tone in which ordinary folks would The attorney shrugged his shoulders. speak of a very helpless little child. " Mr. Mallard, " Do you propose calling witnesses I" send round to Mr.-Mr.-" "No." "Phunky's I Holborn Court, Gray's Inn," interThe smile on the Sergeant's countenance became posed Perker. (Holborn Court, by-the-bye, is South more defined; he rocked his leg with increased vio- Square now.) "Mr. Phunky, and say I should be lence; and, throwing himself back in his easy-chair, glad if he'd step here a moment." coughed dubiously. Mr. Mallard departed to execute his commission; 186 THE PICKWICK CL UB. and Sergeant Snubbin relapsed into abstraction until prevented the other party from getting Sergeant Mr. Phunky himself was introduced. Snubbin; and other topics of doubt and consolation, Although an infant barrister, he was a full-grown common in such a position of affairs. man. He had a very nervous manner, and a painful Mr. Weller was then roused by his master from a hesitation in his speech; it did not appear to be a sweet sleep of an hour's duration; and, bidding adieu natural defect, but seemed rather the result of timid- to Lowten, they returned to the City. ity, arising from the consciousness of being "kept down" by want of means, or interest, or connection, —- or impudence, as the case might be. He was overawed by the Sergeant, and profoundly courteous to CHAPTER XXXII. the attorney. " I have not had the pleasure of seeing you before, DESCRIBES, FAR MORE FULLY THAN THE COURT NEWSMr. Phunky," said Sergeant Snubbin, with haughty MAN EVER DID, A BACHELOR'S PARTY, GIVEN BY condescension. MR. BOB SAWYER AT HIS LODGINGS IN THE BORMr. Phunky bowed. He had had the pleasure of OUGH. seeing the Sergeant, and of envying him too, with THERE is a repose about Lant Street, in the borall a poor man's envy, for eight years and a quarter. ough, which sheds a gentle melancholy upon the "You are with me in this case, I understand " soul. There are always a good many houses to let said the Sergeant. in the street: it is a by-street too, and its dullness If Mr. Phunky had been a rich man, he would have is soothing. A house in Lant Street would not come instantly sent for his clerk to remind him; if he had within the denomination of a first-rate residence, in been a wise one, he would have applied his forefin- the strict acceptation of the term; but it is a most ger to his forehead, and endeavored to recollect, desirable spot, nevertheless. If a man wished to abwhether, in the multiplicity of his engagements he stract himself from the world-to remove himself had undertaken this one, or not; but as he was nei- from within the reach of temptation-to place himther rich nor wise (in this sense at all events) he self beyond the possibility of any inducement to look turned red, and bowed. out of the window-he should by all means go to "Have you read the papers, Mr. Phunky?" in- Lant Street. quired the Sergeant. In this happy retreat are colonized a few clearHere again, Mr. Phunky should have professed to starchers, a sprinkling of journeymen book-binders, have forgotten all about the merits of the case; but one or two prison agents for the Insolvent Court, as he had read such papers as had been laid before several small housekeepers who are employed in the him in the course of the action, and had thought of Docks, a handful of mantua-makers, and a seasoning nothing else, waking or sleeping, throughout the two of jobbing tailors. The majority of the inhabitants months during' which he had been retained as Mr. either direct their energies to the letting of furnishSergeant Snubbin's junior, he turned a deeper red, ed apartments, or devote themselves to the healthful and bowed again. and invigorating pursuit of mangling. The chief "This is Mr. Pickwick," said the Sergeant, waving features in the still life of the street are green shuthis pen in the direction in which that gentleman was ters, lodging-bills, brass door-plates, and bell-hanstanding. dies; the principal specimens of animated nature, Mr. Phunky bowed to Mr. Pickwick with a rever- the pot-boy, the muffin-youth, and the baked-potato ence which a first client must ever awaken; and man. The population is migratory, usually disapagain inclined his head toward his leader. pearing on the verge of quarter-day, and generally "Perhaps you will take Mr. Pickwick away," said by night. His Majesty's revenues are seldom colthe Sergeant, " and-and-and-hear any thing Mr. lected in this happy valley; the rents are dubious; Pickwick may wish to communicate. We shall have and the water communication is very frequently cut a consultation, of course." With this hint that he off. had been interrupted quite long enough, Mr. Sergeant Mr. Bob Sawyer embellished one side of the fire, Snubbin, who had been gradually growing more and in his first-floor front, early on the evening for which more abstracted, applied his glass to his eyes for an he had invited Mr. Pickwick, and Mr. Ben Allen the instant, bowed slightly round, and was once more other. The preparations for the reception of visitors deeply immersed in the case before him: which arose appeared to be completed. The umbrellas in the pasout of an interminable lawsuit, originating in the sage had been heaped into the little corner outside act of an individual, deceased a century or so ago, the back-parlor door; the bonnet and shawl of the who had stopped up a pathway leading from some landlady's servant had been removed from the banplace which nobody ever came from, to some other nisters; there were not more than two pairs of patplace which nobody ever went to. tens on the street-door mat, and a kitchen candle, Mr. Phunky would not hear of passing through with a very long snuff, burned cheerfully on the any door until Mr. Pickwick and his solicitor had ledge of the staircase window. Mr. Bob Sawyer had passed through before him, so it was some time be- himself purchased the spirits at a wine- vault in fore they got into the Square; and when they did High Street, and had returned home preceding the reach it, they walked up and down, and held a long bearer thereof, to preclude the possibility of their conference, the result of which was, that it was a delivery at the wrong house. The punch was readyvery difficult matter to say how the verdict would made in a red pan in the bedroom; a little table, go; that nobody could presume to calculate on the covered with a green baize cloth, had been borrowed issue of an action; that it was very lucky they had from the parlor, to play at cards on; and the glass MRS. RADDLE RELIEVES HER MIND. 187 es of the establishment, together with those which woman, with a shrill titter. "I didn't want it parhad been borrowed for the occasion from the public- ticular before to-day; leastways, as it has to go house, were all drawn up in a tray, which was de- to my landlord directly, it was as well for you to posited on the landing outside the door. keep it as me. You promised me this afternoon, Mr. Notwithstanding the highly satisfactory nature of Sawyer; and every gentleman as has ever lived here all these arrangements, there was a cloud on the has kept his word, sir, as of course any body as calls countenance of Mr. Bob Sawyer, as he sat by the fire- himself a gentleman does." Mrs. Raddle tossed her side. There was a sympathizing expression, too, in head, bit her lips, rubbed her hands harder, and lookthe features of Mr. Ben Allen, as he gazed intently ed at the wall more steadily than ever. It was plain on the coals; and a tone of melancholy in his voice, to see, as Mr. Bob Sawyer remarked in a style of as he said, after a long silence: Eastern allegory on a subsequent occasion, that she " Well, it is unlucky she should have taken it in was "getting the steam up." her head to turn sour, just on this occasion. She "I am very sorry, Mrs. Raddle," said Bob Sawyer might at least have waited till to-morrow." with all imaginable humility, "but the fact is, that "That's her malevolence, that's her malevolence," I have been disappointed in the City to-day." —Exreturned Mr. Bob Sawyer, vehemently. " She says traordinary place that City. An astonishing numthat if I can afford to give a party I ought to be ber of men always are getting disappointed there. able to pay her confounded'little bill."' "Well, Mr. Sawyer," said Mrs. Raddle, planting "How long has it been running?" inquired Mr. Ben herself firmly on a purple cauliflower in the KidderAllen. A bill, by-the-bye, is the most extraordinary minster carpet, " and what's that to me, sir?" locomotive engine that the genius of man ever pro- "I —I-have no doubt, Mrs. Raddle," said Bob duced. It would keep on running during the long- Sawyer, blinking this last question, " that before the est lifetime, without ever once stopping of its own middle of next week we shall be able to set ouraccord. selves quite square, and go on on a better system "Only a quarter, and a month or so," replied Mr. afterward." Bob Sawyer. This was all Mrs. Raddle wanted. She had busBenAllen coughedhopelessly, and directeda search- tled up to the apartment of the unlucky Bob Sawing look between the two top bars of the stove. yer, so bent upon going into a passion, that, in all " It'll be a deuced unpleasant thing if she takes it probability, payment would have rather disappointinto her head to let out when those fellows are here, ed her than otherwise. She was in excellent order won't it?" said Mr. Ben Allen at length. for a little relaxation of the kind: having just ex"Horrible," replied Bob Sawyer, "horrible." changed a few introductory compliments with Mr. A low tap was heard at the room door. Mr. Bob R. in the front kitchen. Sawyer looked expressively at his friend, and bade " Do you suppose, Mr. Sawyer," said Mrs. Raddle, the tapper come in; whereupon a dirty slipshod girl elevating her voice for the information of the neighin black cotton stockings, who might have passed bors, "do you suppose that I'm agoing day after day for the neglected daughter of a superannuated dust- to let a fellar occupy my lodgings as never thinks man in very reduced circumstances, thrust in her of paying his rent, nor even the very money laid out head, and said, for the fresh butter and lump sugar that's bought "Please, Mister Sawyer, Missis Raddle wants to for his breakfast, and the very milk that's took in speak to you." at the street door? Do you suppose a hard-working Before Mr. Bob Sawyer could return any answer, and industrious woman as has lived in this street the girl suddenly disappeared with a jerk, as if for twenty year (ten year over the way, and nine somebody had given her a violent pull behind; this year and three-quarter in this very house) has nothmysterious exit was no sooner accomplished, than ing else to do but to work herself to death after a there was another tap at the door-a smart pointed parcel of lazy idle fellars, that are always smoking tap, which seemed to say, "Here I am, and in I'm and drinking, and lounging, when they ought to be coming." glad to turn their hands to any thing that would Mr. Bob Sawyer glanced at his friend with a look help'em to pay their bills? Do you-" of abject apprehension, and once more cried "Come "My good soul," interposed Mr. Benjamin Allen, in." soothingly. The permission was not at all necessary, for, be- "Have the goodness to keep your observashuns fore Mr. Bob Sawyer had uttered the words, a little to yourself, sir, I beg," said Mrs. Raddle, suddenly fierce woman bounced into the room, all in a tremble arresting the rapid torrent of her speech, and addresswith passion, and pale with rage. * ing the third party with impressive slowness and so"Now, Mr. Sawyer," said the little fierce woman, lemnity. " I am not aweer, sir, that you have any trying to appear very calm, "if you'll have the kind- right to address your conversation to me. I don't ness to settle that little bill of mine, I'll thank you, think I let these apartments to you, sir." because I've got my rent to pay this afternoon, and "No, you certainly did not," said Mr. Benjamin my landlord's a-waiting below now." Here the lit- Allen. tle woman rubbed her hands, and looked steadily "Very good, sir," responded Mrs. Raddle, with lofty over Mr. Bob Sawyer's head at the wall behind him. politeness. "Then p'raps, sir, you'll confine yourself "I am very sorry to put you to any inconven- to breaking the arms and legs of the poor people in ience, Mrs. Raddle," said Bob Sawyer, deferentially, the hospitals, and keep yourself to yourself, sir, or "but-" there may be some persons here as will make you, "Oh, it isn't any inconvenience," replied the little sir." 188 THE PICK WICK CLUB. "But you are such an unreasonable woman," re- "Don't mention it, don't mention it," said Bob monstrated Mr. Benjamin Allen. Sawyer. " I'm rather confined for room here, but " I beg your parding, young man," said Mrs. Rad- you must put up with all that, when you come to see die, in a cold perspiration of anger. " But will you a young bachelor. Walk in. You've seen this genhave the goodness just to call me that again, sir?" tleman before, I think?" Mr. Pickwick shook hands "I didn't make use of the word in any invidious with Mr. Benjamin Allen, and his friends followed sense, ma'am," replied Mr. Benjamin Allen, growing his example. They had scarcely taken their seats somewhat uneasy on his own account. when there was another double knock. " I beg your parding, young man," demanded Mrs. " I hope that's Jack Hopkins!" said Mr. Bob SawRaddle in a louder and more imperative tone. " But yer. " Hush. Yes, it is. Come up, Jack; come up." who do you call a woman? Did you make that re- A heavy footstep was heard upon the stairs, and mark to me, sir " Jack Hopkins presented himself. He wore a black "Why, bless my heart!" said Mr. Benjamin Alien. velvet waistcoat, with thunder-and-lightning but"Did you apply that name to me, I ask of you, tons; and a blue striped shirt, with a white false sir?" interrupted Mrs. Raddle, with intense fierce- collar. ness, throwing the door wide open. " You're late, Jack?" said Mr. Benjamin Allen. "Why, of course I did," replied Mr. Benjamin Allen. "Been detained at Bartholomew's," replied Hop" Yes, of course you did," said Mrs. Raddle, back- kins. ing gradually to the door, and raising her voice to "Any thing new?" its loudest pitch, for the special behoof of Mr. Rad- "No, nothing particular. Rather a good accident die in the kitchen. "Yes, of course you did! And brought into the casualty ward." every body knows that they may safely insult me in " What was that, sir?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. my own ouse while my husband sits sleeping down " Only a man fallen out of a four-pair-of-stairs winstairs, and taking no more notice than if I was a dog dow;-but it's a very fair case-very fair case indeed." in the streets. He ought to be ashamed of himself" " Do you mean that the patient is in a fair way to (here Mrs. Raddle sobbed) "to allow his wife to be recover?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. treated in this way by a parcel of young cutters and "No," replied Hopkins, carelessly. " No, I should carvers of live people's bodies, that disgraces the rather say he wouldn't. There must be a splendid lodgings" (another sob), "and leaving her exposed operation though, to-morrow-magnificent sight, if to all manner of abuse; a base, faint-hearted, timo- Slasher does it." rous wretch, that's afraid to come up stairs, and face "You consider Mr. Slasher a good operator?" said the ruffinly creatures-that's afraid-that's afraid to Mr. Pickwick. come!" Mrs. Raddle paused to listenwhether the rep- " Best alive," replied Hopkins. " Took a boy's leg etition of the taunt had roused her better half; and, out of the socket last week-boy ate five apples and finding that it had not been successful, proceeded a gingerbread cake-exactly two minutes after it to descend the stairs with sobs innumerable: when was all over; boy said he wouldn't.lie there to be there came a loud double knock at the street door: made game of, and he'd tell his mother if they didn't whereupon she burst into an hysterical fit of weep- begin." ing, accompanied with dismal moans, which was pro- " Dear me!" said Mr. Pickwick, astonished. longed until the knock had been repeated six times, "Pooh! That's nothing, that ain't," said Jack when, in an uncontrollable burst of mental agony, Hopkins. "Is it, Bob?" she threw down all the umbrellas, and disappeared "Nothing at all," replied Mr. Bob Sawyer. into the back parlor, closing the door. after her with "By-the-bye, Bob," said Hopkins, with a scarcely an awful crash. perceptible glance at Mr. Pickwick's attentive face, " Does Mr. Sawyer live here?" said Mr. Pickwick, " we had a curious accident last night. A child was when the door was opened. brought in who had swallowed a necklace." "Yes," said the girl, "first-floor. It's the door "Swallowed what, sir?" interrupted Mr. Pickwick. straight afore you, when you gets to the top of the "A necklace," replied Jack Hopkins. "Not all stairs." Having given this instruction, the hand- at once, you know, that would be too much —you maid, who had been brought up among the aborigi- couldn't swallow that, if the child did-eh, Mr. Picknal inhabitants of Southwark, disappeared, with the wick, ha! ha!" Mr. Hopkins appeared highly graticandle in her hand, down the kitchen stairs: perfect- fled with his own pleasantry; and continued. " No, ly satisfied that she had done every thing that could the way was this. Chjd's parents were poor peopossibly be required of her under the circumstances. ple who lived in a court. Child's eldest sister bought Mr. Snodgrass, who entered last, secured the street a necklace; comihon necklace, made of large black door, after several ineffectual efforts, by putting up wooden beads. Child, being fond of toys, cribbed the chain; and the friends stumbled up stairs, where the necklace, hid it, played with it, cut the string, they were received by Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been and swallowed a bead. Child thought it capital fun, afraid to go down, lest he should be waylaid by Mrs. went back next day, and swallowed another bead." Raddle. "Bless my heart," said Mr. Pickwick, "what a "How are you?" said the discomfited student. dreadfulthing! Ibegyourpardon,sir. Goon." "Glad to see you-take care of the glasses." This "Next day, child swallowed two beads; the day caution was addressed to Mr. Pickwick, who had put after that, he treated himself to three, and so on, till his hat in the tray. in a week's time he had got through the necklace"Dear me," said Mr. Pickwick, " I beg your par- five-and-twenty beads in all. The sister, who was don." an industrious girl, and seldom treated herself to a REMARKABLE ANECDOTE OF A NECKLACE. 189 bit of finery, cried her eyes out at the loss of the imagine. First of all, it was necessary to awaken necklace; looked high and low for it; but, I needn't the girl, who had fallen asleep with her face on the say, didn't find it. A few days afterward, the fami- kitchen-table; this took a little time, and, even when ly were at dinner-baked shoulder of mutton, and she did answer the bell, another quarter of an hour potatoes under it-the child, who wasn't hungry, was was consumed in fruitless endeavors to impart to her playing about the room, when suddenly there was a faint and distant glimmering of reason. The man heard a devil of a noise, like'a small hail - storm. to whom the order for the oysters had been sent, had'Don't do that, my boy,' said the father.'I ain't not been told to open them; it is a very difficult a-doin' nothing,' said the child.' Well, don't do it thing to open an oyster with a limp knife or a twoagain,' said the father. There was a short silence, pronged fork; and very little was done in this way. and then the noise began again, worse than ever. Very little of the beef was done either; and the ham'If you don't mind what I say, my boy,' said the fa- (which was also from the German sausage-shop round ther,' you'll find yourself in bed in something less the corner) was in a similar predicament. However, than a pig's whisper.' He gave the child a shake to there was plenty of porter in a tin can; and the make him obedient, and such a rattling ensued as cheese went a great way, for it was very strong. So nobody ever heard before.'Why, damme, it's in the upon the whole, perhaps, the supper was quite as child!' said the father,'he's got the croup in the good as such matters usually are. wrong place!''No I haven't, father,' said the child, After supper, another jug of punch was put upon beginning to cry,'it's the necklace; I swallowed it, the table, together with a paper of cigars, and a father.'-The father caught the child up, and ran couple of bottles of spirits. Then, there was an awwith him to the hospital: the beads in the boy's ful pause; and this awful pause was occasioned by stomach rattling all the way with the jolting; and a very common occurrence in this sort of places, but the people looking up in the air, and -down in the a very embarrassing one notwithstanding. cellars to see where the unusual sound came from. The fact is, the girl was washing the glasses. The He's in the hospital now," said Jack Hopkins, "and establishment boasted four; we do not record the he makes such a devil of a noise when he walks about, circumstance as at all derogatory to Mrs. Raddle, for that they're obliged to muffle him in a watchman's there never was a lodging - house yet that was not coat, for fear he should wake the patients!" short of glasses. The landlady's glasses were little "That's the most extraordinary case I ever heard thin blown glass tumblers; and those which had been of," said Mr. Pickwick, with an emphatic blow on the borrowed from the public-house were great, dropsictable. al, bloated articles, each supported on a huge gouty " Oh, that's nothing," said Jack Hopkins; "is it, leg. This would have been in itself sufficient to Bob?" have possessed the company with the real state of "Certainly not," replied Mr. Bob Sawyer. affairs; but the young woman of all-work had pre"Very singular things occur in our profession, I vented the possibility of any misconception arising can assure you, sir," said Hopkins. in the mind of any gentleman upon the subject, by "So I should be disposed to imagine," replied Mr. forcibly dragging every man's glass away long bePickwick. fore he had finished his beer, and audibly stating, Another knock at the door announced a large-. despite the winks and interruptions of Mr. Bob Sawheaded young man in a black wig, who brought with yer, that it was to be conveyed down stairs and him a scorbutic youth in a long stock. The next washed forthwith. comer was a gentleman in a shirt emblazoned with It is a very ill wind that blows nobody any good. pink anchors, who was closely followed by a pale The prim man in the cloth boots, who had been unyouth with a plated watch-guard. The arrival of a successfully attempting to make a joke during the prim personage in clean linen and cloth boots ren- whole time the round game lasted, saw his oppordered the party complete. The little table with the tunity, and availed himself of it. The instant the green baize cover was wheeled out; the first install- glasses disappeared, he commenced a long story about ment of punch was brought in, in a white jug; and a great public character, whose name he had forgotthe succeeding three hours were devoted to vingt-et- ten, making a particularly happy reply to another un at sixpence a dozen, which was only once inter- eminent and illustrious individual whom he had nevrupted by a slight dispute between the scorbutic er been able to identify. He enlarged at some length youth and the gentleman with the pink anchors; in and with great minuteness upon divers collateral cirthe course of which, the scorbutic youth intimated cumstances, distantly connected with the anecdote a burning desire to pull the nose of the gentleman in hand, but for the life of him hescouldn't recollect with the emblems of hope: in reply to which, that at that precise moment what the anecdote was, alindividual expressed his decided unwillingness to though he had been in the habit of telling the story accept of any "sauce" on gratuitous terms, either with great applause for the last ten years. from the irascible young gentleman with the scorbu- "Dear me," said the prim man in the cloth boots, tic countenance, or any other person who was orna- "it is a very extraordinary circumstance." mented with a head. "I am sorry you have forgotten it," said Mr. Bob When the last " natural" had been declared, and Sawyer, glancing eagerly at the door, as he thought the profit and loss account of fish and sixpences ad- he heard the noise of glasses jingling; " very sorry." justed, to the satisfaction of all parties, Mr. Bob Saw- "So am I," responded the prim man, "because I yer rang for supper, and the visitors squeezed them- know it would have afforded so much amusement. selves into corners while it was getting ready. Never mind; I dare say I shall manage to recollect It was not so easily got ready as some people may it in the course of half an hour or so." 190 THE PICKWICK CLUB. The prim man arrived at this point just as the the necessity of alarming the neighbors by throwing glasses came back, when Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had the person who has just spoken out o' window." been absorbed in attention during the whole time, "What do you mean by that, sir?" inquired Mr. said he should very much like to hear the end of it, Noddy. for, so far as it went, it was, without exception, the "What I say, sir," replied Mr. Gunter. very best story he had ever heard. "I should like to see you do it, sir," said Mr. Noddy. The sight of the tumblers restored Bob Sawyer to ".You shall feel me do it in half a minute, sir," rea degree of equanimity which he had not possessed plied Mr. Gunter. since his interview with his landlady. His face "I request that you'll favor me with your card, brightened up, and he began to feel quite convivial. sir," said Mr. Noddy. "Now, Betsy," said Mr. Bob Sawyer, with great "I'll do nothing of the kind, sir," replied Mr. Gunter. suavity, and dispersing, at the same time, the tu- " Why not, sir?" inquired Mr. Noddy. multuous little mob of glasses the girl had collected "Because you'll stick it up over your chimneyin the centre of the table; "now, Betsy, the warm piece, and delude your visitors into the false belief water: be brisk, there's a good girl." that a gentleman has been to see you, sir," replied "You can't have no warm water," replied Betsy. Mr. Gunter. "No warm water!" exclaimed Mr. Bob Sawyer. " Sir, a friend of mine shall wait on you in the "No," said the girl, with a shake of the head which morning," said Mr. Noddy. expressed a more decided negative than the most co- " Sir, I'm very much obliged to you for the caupious language could have conveyed. "Missis Rad- tion, and I'll leave particular directions with the dle said you warn't to have none." servant to lock up the spoons," replied Mr. Gunter. The surprise depicted on the countenances of his At this point the remainder of the guests interguests imparted new courage to the host. posed, and remonstrated with both parties on the " Bring up the warm water instantly-instantly!" impropriety of their conduct; on which Mr. Noddy said Mr. Bob Sawyer, with desperate sternness. begged to state that his father was quite as respect" No. I can't," replied the girl; "Missis Raddle able as Mr. Gunter's father; to which Mr. Gunter reraked out the kitchen fire afore she went to bed, and plied that his father was to the full as respectable locked up the kittle." as Mr. Noddy's father, and that his father's son was " Oh, never mind; never mind. Pray don't dis- as good a man as Mr. Noddy any day in the week. turb yourself about such a trifle," said Mr. Pickwick, As this announcement seemed the prelude to a recomobserving the conflict of Bob Sawyer's passions, as mencement of the dispute, there was another interdepicted in his countenance, " cold water will do ference on the part of the company; and a vast quanvery well." tity of talking and clamoring ensued, in the course " Oh, admirably," said Mr. Benjamin Allen. of which Mr. Noddy gradually allowed his feelings "My landlady is subject to some slight attacks of to overpower him, and professed that he had ever mental derangement," remarked Bob Sawyer with a entertained a devoted personal attachment toward ghastly smile;" and I fear I must give her warning." Mr. Gunter. To this Mr. Gunter replied that, upon "No, don't," said Ben Allen. the whole, he rather preferred Mr. Noddy to his own "I fear I must," said Bob, with heroic firmness. brother; on hearing which admission, Mr. Noddy "I'll pay her what I owe her, and give her warning magnanimously rose from his seat, and proffered his to-morrow morning." Poor fellow! how devoutly hand to Mr. Gunter. Mr. Gunter grasped it with afhe wished he could! fecting fervor; and every body said that the whole Mr. Bob Sawyer's heart-sickening attempts to ral- dispute had been conducted in a manner which was ly under this last blow, communicated a dispiriting highly honorable to both parties concerned. influence to the company, the greater part of whom, "Now," said Jack Hopkins, "just to set us going with the view of raising their spirits, attached them- again, Bob, I don't mind singing a song." And selves with extra cordiality to the cold brandy-and- Hopkins, incited thereto by tumultuous applause, water, the first perceptible effects of which were dis- plunged himself at once into " The King, God bless played in a renewal of hostilities between the scor- him," which he sang as loud as he could, to a novel butic youth and the gentleman of the sanguine shirt. air, compounded of the " Bay of Biscay," and "A Frog The belligerents vented their feelings of mutual con- he would." The chorus was the essence of the song; tempt, for some time, in a variety of frownings and and, as each gentleman sang it to the tune he knew snortings, until at last the scorbutic youth felt it best, the effect was very striking indeed. necessary to cole to a more explicit understand- It was at the end of the chorus to the first verse, ing on the matter; when the following clear under- that Mr. Pickwick held up his hand in a listening standing took place. attitude, and said, as soon as silence was restored: "Sawyer," said the scorbutic youth, in a loud voice. " Hush! I beg your pardon. I thought I heard "Well, Noddy," replied Mr. Bob Sawyer. somebody calling from up stairs." "I should be very sorry, Sawyer," said Mr. Noddy, A profound silence immediately ensued; and Mr. "to create any unpleasantness at any friend's table, Bob Sawyer was observed to turn pale. and much less at yours, Sawyer-very; but I must "I think I hear it now," said Mr. Pickwick. "Have take this opportunity of informing Mr. Gunter that the goodness to open the door." he is no gentleman." The door was no sooner opened than all doubt on "And I should be very sorry, Sawyer, to create the subject wasremoved. any disturbance in the street in which you reside," "Mr. Sawyer - Mr. Sawyer!" screamed a voice said Mr. Gunter, "but I'm afraid I shall be under from the two-pair landing. IGNOMINTIO US RETREAT. 191 "It's my landlady," said Bob Sawyer, looking round " Just as we were getting so comfortable too." The with great dismay. "Yes, Mrs. Raddle." prim man was just beginning to have a dawning "What do you mean by this, Mr. Sawyer?" re- recollection of the story he had forgotten. plied the voice, with great shrillness and rapidity " It's hardly to be borne," said the prim man, lookof utterance. "Ain't it enough to be swindled out ing round. "Hardly to be borne, is it?" of one's rent, and money lent out of pocket besides, "Not to be endured," replied Jack Hopkins; "let's and abused and insulted by your friends that dares have the other verse, Bob. Come, here goes!" to call themselves men: without having the house "No, no, Jack, don't," interposed Bob Sawyer; turned out of window, and noise enough made to "it's a capital song, but I am afraid we had better bring the fire-engines here, at two o'clock in the not have the other verse. They are very violent morning?-Turn them wretches away." people, the people of the house." " You ought to be ashamed of yourselves," said the " Shall I step up stairs, and pitch into the landvoice of Mr. Raddle, which appeared to proceed from lord?" inquired Hopkins, "or keep on ringing the beneath some distant bed-clothes. bell, or go and groan on the staircase? You may "Ashamed of themselves!" said Mrs. Raddle. "Why command me, Bob." 1 I _ If"GET ALONG WITH YOU, YOU OLD WRETOH!" don't you go down and knock'em every one down " I am very much indebted to you for your friendstairs? You would if you was a man." ship and good-nature, Hopkins," said the wretched " I should if I was a dozen men, my dear," replied Mr. Bob Sawyer, "but I think the best plan to Mr. Raddle, pacifically," but they've the advantage avoid any further dispute is for us to break up at of me in numbers, my dear." once." " Ugh, you coward!" replied Mrs. Raddle, with su- "Now, Mr. Sawyer!" screamed the shrill voice of preme contempt. Do you mean to turn them wretch- Mrs. Raddle, "are them brutes going?" es out, or not, Mr. Sawyer?" "They're only looking for their hats, Mrs. Raddle," "They're going, Mrs. Raddle, they're going," said said Bob; "they are going directly." the miserable Bob. "I am afraid you'd better go," "Going!" said Mrs. Raddle, thrusting her nightsaid Mr. Bob Sawyer to his friends. "I thought you cap over the banisters just as Mr. Pickwick, followwere making too much noise." ed by Mr. Tupman, emerged from the sitting-room. " It's a very unfortunate thing," said the prim man. "Going! what did they ever come for?" 192 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "My dear ma'am," remonstrated Mr. Pickwick, human nature, obeyed all his master's behests with looking up. that imperturbable good-humor and unruffable com"Get along with you, you old wretch!" replied posure which formed one of his most striking and Mrs. Raddle, hastily withdrawing the night-cap. amiable characteristics. "Old enough to be his grandfather, you willin! Sam had solaced himself with a most agreeable You're worse than any of'em." little dinner, and was waiting at the bar for the glass Mr. Pickwick found it in vain to protest his inno- of warm mixture in which Mr. Pickwick had requestcence, so hurried down stairs into the street, whither ed him to drown the fatigues of his morning's walks, he was closely followed by Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, when a young boy of about three feet high, or thereand Mr. Snodgrass. Mr. Ben Allen, who was dismal- about, in a hairy cap and fustian overalls, whose ly depressed with spirits and agitation, accompanied garb bespoke a laudable ambition to attain in time them as far as London Bridge, and in the course of the elevation of an hostler, entered the passage of the walk confided to Mr. Winkle, as an especially el- the George and Vulture, and looked first up the igible person to intrust the secret to, that he was re- stairs, and then along the passage, and then into the solved to cut the throat of any gentleman except Mr. bar, as if in search of somebody to whom he bore a Bob Sawyer who should aspire to the affections of commission; whereupon the bar-maid, conceiving it his sister Arabella. Having expressed his determi- not improbable that the said commission might be nation to perform this painful duty of a brother with directed to the tea or table spoons of the establishproper firmness, he burst into tears, knocked his hat ment, accosted the boy with, over his eyes, and, making the best of his way back, "Now, young man, what do you want?" knocked double knocks at the door of the Borough "Is there any body here named Sam?" inquired Market office, and took short naps on the steps alter- the youth, in a loud voice of treble quality. nately, until day-break, under the firm impression "What's the t'other name?" said Sam Weller, that he lived there, and had forgotten the key. looking round. The visitors having all departed, in compliance "How should I know?" briskly replied the young with the rather pressing request of Mrs. Raddle, the gentleman below the hairy cap. luckless Mr. Bob Sawyer was left alone, to meditate "You're a sharp boy, you are," said Mr. Weller; on the probable events of to-morrow, and the pleas- "only I wouldn't show that wery fine edge too much, ures of the evening. if I was you, in case any body took it off. What do you mean by comin' to a hot-el, and asking arter Sam, * ~ —-*~ — vith as much politeness as a vild Indian?" "'Cos an old gen'l'm'n told me to," replied the boy. CHAPTER XXXIII. "What old gen'l'm'n?" inquired Sam, with deep disdain. MR. WELLER THE ELDER DELIVERS SOME CRITICAL Ipswiccoach, and uses our par"Him as drives a Ipswich'coach, and uses our parSENTIMENTS RESPECTING LITERARY CO1WPOSITION.; lor," rejoined the boy. "He told me yesterday mornAND, ASSISTED BY HIS SON SAMUEL. PAYS A SMALL AND, ASSISTED BY HIS SON SAMUEL PAYS A SMALLin' to come to the George and Wultur this arternoon, INSTALLMENT OF RETALIATION TO THE ACCOUNT ad a f and ask for Sam." OF THE REVEREND GENTLEMAN WITH THE RED 1 "It's my father, my dear," said Mr. Weller, turning NOSE. with an explanatory air to the young lady in the THE morning of the thirteenth of February, which bar; "blessed if I think he hardly knows wot my the readers of this authentic narrative know as other name is. Vell, young brockiley sprout, wot well as we do to have been the day immediately pre- then?" ceding that which was appointed for the trial of Mrs. "Why, then," said the boy, " you was to come to Bardell's action, was a busy time for Mr. Samuel Wel- him at six o'clock to our ouse;'cos he wants to see ler, who was perpetually engaged in traveling from you-Blue Boar, Leaden'all Markit. Shall I say the George and Vulture to Mr. Perker's chambers and you're comin'?" back again, from and between the hours of nine "You may wenture on that'ere statement, sir," o'clock in the morning and two in the afternoon, replied Sam. And thus empowered, the young genboth inclusive. Not that there was any thing what- tleman walked away, awakening all the echoes in ever to be done, for the consultation had taken place, George Yard as he did so, with several chaste and and the course of proceeding to be adopted had been extremely correct imitations of a drover's whistle, finally determined on; but Mr. Pickwick being in a delivered in a tone of peculiar richness and volume. most extreme state of excitement, persevered in con- Mr. Weller having obtained leave of absence from stantly sending small notes to his attorney, merely Mr. Pickwick, who, in his then state of excitement containing the inquiry, " Dear Perker. Is all going and worry was by no means displeased at being left on well?" to which Mr. Perker invariably forwarded alone, set forth, long before the appointed hour, and the reply, "Dear Pickwick. As well as possible;" having plenty of time at his disposal, sauntered down the fact being, as we have already hinted, that there as far as the Mansion House, where he paused and conwas nothing whatever to go on, either well or ill, templated, with a face of great calmness and philosuntil the sitting of the court on the following morn- ophy, the numerous cabs and drivers of short stages ing. who assemble near that famous place of resort, to the But people who go voluntarily to law, or are taken great terror and confusion of the old-lady population forcibly there for the first time, may be allowed to of these realms. Having loitered here for half an labor under some temporary irritation and anxiety: hour or so, Mr. Weller turned, and began wending his and Sam, with a due allowance for the frailties of way toward Leadenhall Market, through a variety CUPID AT THR BLUE BOAR. 193 of by-streets and courts. As he was sauntering away assortment within, which the shop-keeper pledged his spare time, and stopped to look at almost every himself to dispose of, to his countrymen generally, object that met his gaze, it is by no means surprising at the reduced rate of one-and-sixpence each. that Mr. Weller should have paused before a small " I should ha' forgot it; I should certainly ha' forstationer's and print-seller's window; but without got it!" said Sam; so saying, he at once stepped into further explanation it does appear surprising that his the stationer's shop, and requested to be served with eyes should have no sooner rested on certain pictures a sheet of the best gilt-edged letter-paper, and a which were exposed for sale therein, than he gave a hard-nibbed pen which could be warranted not to sudden start, smote his right leg with great vehe- splutter. These articles having been promptly supmence, and exclaimed with energy, "If it hadn't been plied, he walked on direct toward Leadenhall Marfor this, I should ha' forgot all about it till it was ket at a good round pace, very different from his retoo late!" cent lingering one. Looking round him, he there The particular picture on which Sam Weller's beheld a sign-board on which the painter's art had eyes were fixed as he said this, was a highly colored delineated something remotely resembling a cerulean THE PARTIOULAR PICTURE ON WIcIH SAM WELLER 5 EYES WERE FIXED. representation of a couple of human hearts skewered elephant with an aquiline nose in lieu of trunk. together with an arrow, cooking before a cheerful Rightly conjecturing that this was the Blue Boar fire, while a male and female cannibal in modern at- himself, he stepped into the house, and inquired contire: the gentleman being clad in a blue coat and cerning his parent. white trowsers, and the lady in a deep red pelisse "He won't be here this three-quarters of an hour with a parasol of the same: were approaching the or more," said the young lady who superintended meal with hungry eyes, up a serpentine gravel-path the domestic arrangements of the Blue Boar. leading thereunto. A decidedly indelicate young Wery good, my dear," replied Sam. "Let me gentleman, in a pair of wings and nothing else, was have nine penn orth o' brandy-and-water luke, and depicted as superintending the cooking; a repre-the inkstand, will you, miss?" sentation of the spire of the church in Langham The brandy-and-water luke and the inkstand havPlace, London, appeared in the distance; and the ing been carried into the little parlor, and the young whole formed a "valentine," of which, as a written lady having carefully flattened down the coals to inscription in the window testified, there was a large prevent their blazing, and carried away the poker to 13 it j:1~~ /xlil';~;' L iiul ~~~~~~~~~~~7.1~31)i i j i 1j I ii I; I~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i i i 1 11 i cs in~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ mrii1ii i —:;i~~~~~~~~~ -~ —)~'i I;iI ~ ~ THE I'ARTIOULAR PIOTURE ON WHIO~t SAM WELLER'S El'ES WERE FIXED. rersnaioo f acul e f h m n hatsseee lphn ihaquln oei le ftuk toete witha arw coin beoeceru ighly cnetring th at his a h leBa firhila ma'Iendfml cnibal oen t slh tpe notehue n nurdcn tire h etean bing clad in a bleca dcrighi aet wittrwsradtel d y i adepre pe l ise"ewntbhrehitre-urrsoanor with paraol ofthe sme: wre aproachng th or mre," aid te youg lad who uperitende melwt ugyeeu a sepningrelpttedoeicaagmnsofheBuBa. leading thereunto~~~. A / deided inei cayugWeyodmder"epiedSm Ltm gentleman, in a pair of wings and nothing els~, was have nine penn'orth o' brandy-and-water luke, and~~~~~i 194 THE PICKWICK CLUB. preclude the possibility of the fire being stirred, but I'm pretty tough, that's vun consolation, as the without the full privity and concurrence of the Blue wery old turkey remarked wen the farmer said he Boar being first had and obtained, Sam Weller sat wos afeerd he should be obliged to kill him for the himself down in a box near the stove, and pulled out London market." the sheet of gilt-edged letter-paper, and the hard- "Wot'll be a trial?" inquired Sam. nibbed pen. Then looking carefully at the pen to "To see you married, Sammy-to see you a dilsee that there were no hairs in it, and dusting down luded wictim, and thinkin' in your innocence that the table, so that there might be no crumbs of bread it's all wery capital," replied Mr. Weller. " It's a under the paper, Sam tucked up the cuffs of his coat, dreadful trial to a father's feelin's, that'ere, Sammy." squared his elbows, and composed himself to write. "Nonsense," said Sam. "I ain't agoin' to get To ladies and gentlemen who are not in the habit married, don't you fret yourself about that; I know of devoting themselves practically to the science of you're a judge of these things. Order in your pipe, penmanship, writing a letter is no very easy task: and I'll read you the letter. There!" it being always considered necessary in such cases We can not distinctly say whether it was the for the writer to recline his head on his left arm, so prospect of the pipe, or the consolatory reflection as to place his eyes as nearly as possible on a level that a fatal disposition to get married ran in the with the paper, while glancing sideways at the let- family and couldn't be helped, which calmed Mr. ters he is constructing, to form with his tongue im- Weller's feelings, and caused his grief to subside. aginary characters to correspond. These motions, We should be rather disposed to say that the result although unquestionably of the greatest assistance was attained by combining the two sources of consoto original composition, retard in some degree the lation, for he repeated the second in a low tone, very progress of the writer; and Sam had unconsciously frequently; ringing the bell meanwhile, to order in been a full hour and a half writing words in small the first. JHe then divested himself of his upper text, smearing out wrong letters with his little fin- coat; and fighting the pipe and placing himself in ger, and putting in sew ones which required going front of the fire with his back toward it, so that he over very often to render them visible through the could feel its full heat, and recline against the manold blots, when he was roused by the opening of the tel-piece at the same time, turned toward Sam, and door and the entrance of his parent. with a countenance greatly mollified by the soften"Vell, Sammy," said the father. ing influence of tobacco, requested him to "fire "Vell, my Prooshan Blue," responded the son, lay- away." ing down his pen. " What's the last bulletin about Sam dipped his pen into the ink to be ready for mother-in-law?" any corrections, and began with a very theatrical "Mrs. Veller passed a very good night, but is air: uncommon perwerse, and unpleasant this mornin'. "'Lovely-' Signed upon oath, S. Veller, Esquire, Senior. That's "Stop," said Mr. Weller, ringing the bell. "A the last vun as was issued, Sammy," replied Mr.Wel- double glass o' the inwariable, my dear." ler, untying his shawl. V "Very well, sir," replied the girl; who with great "No better yet?" inquired Sam. quickness appeared, vanished, returned, and disap"All the symptoms aggerawated," replied Mr. peared. Weller, shaking his head. "But wot's that, you're "They seem to know your ways here," observed a-doin' of? Pursuit of knowledge under difficulties, Sam. Sammy?" "Yes," replied his father, "I've been here before, " I've done now," said Sam, with slight embarrass- in my time. Go on, Sammy." ment; "I've been a-writin'." "' Lovely creetur,' "repeated Sam. "So I see," replied Mr. Weller. "Not to any "'Tain't in poetry, is it?" interposed his father. young'ooman, I hope, Sammy?"" No, no," replied Sam. "Why it's no use a sayin' it ain't," replied Sam. "Werry glad to hear it," said Mr. Weller. "Po" It's a walentine." etry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked poetry'cept a "A what!" exclaimed Mr. Weller, apparently hor- beadle on boxin'-day, or Warren's blackin', or Rowror-stricken by the word. land's oil, or some o' them low fellows; never you let "A walentine," replied Sam. yourself down to talk poetry, my boy. Begin agin, " Samivel, Samivel," said Mr. Weller, in reproach- Sammy." ful accents, "I didn't think you'd ha' done it. Arter Mr. Weller resumed his pipe with critical solemthe warnin' you've had o' your father's wicious pro- nity, and Sam once more commenced, and read as folpensities; arter all I've said to you upon this here lows: wery subject; arter actiwally seein' and bein' in the "' Lovely creetur i feel myself a dammed-'" company o' your own mother-in-law, vich I should "That ain't proper," said Mr. Weller, taking his ha' thought wos a moral lesson as no man could nev- pipe from his mouth. er ha' forgotten to his dyin' day! I didn't think "No; it ain't'dammed,'" observed Sam, holding you'd ha' done it, Sammy, I didn't think you'd ha' the letter up to the light, "it's'shamed,' there's a done it!" These reflections were too much for the blot there-' I feel myself ashamed.'" good old man. He raised Sam's tumbler to his lips "Werry good," said Mr. Weller. " Go on." and drank off its contents. "'Feel myself ashamed and completely cir-' I "Wot's the matter now?" said Sam. forget what this here word is," said Sam, scratch"Nev'r mind, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller, "it'll ing his head with the pen, in vain attempts to rebe a wery agonizin' trial to me at my time of life, member. THE COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER CONDENSED. 195 "Why don't you look at it, then?" inquired Mr. and think over what I've said.-My dear Mary I will Weller. now conclude.' That's all," said Sam. "So I am a-lookin' at it," replied Sam, "but there's "That's rather a sudden pull up, ain't it, Sammy?" another blot. Here's a'c,' and a' i, and a'd."' inquired Mr. Weller. " Circumwented, p'haps," suggested Mr. Weller. "Not a bit on it," said Sam; " she'll vish there wos "No, it ain't that," said Sam, "circumscribed; more, and that's the great art o' letter-writin'." that's it." "Well," said Mr. Weller, "there's somethin' in "That ain't as good a word as circumwented, that; and I wish your mother-in-law'ud only conSammy," said Mr. Weller, gravely. duct her conwersation on the same gen-teel princi"Think not?" said Sam. pie. Ain't you agoin' to sign it?" "Nothin' like it," replied his father. "That's the difficulty," said Sam; " I don't know "But don't you think it means more?" inquired what to sign it." Sam. "Sign it Veller," said the oldest surviving propi4" Vell p'raps it is a more tenderer word," said Mr. etor of that name. Weller, after a few moments' reflection. " Go on, "Won't do," said Sam. "Never sign a walentine Sammy." with your own name." "' Feel myself ashamed and completely circum- "Sign it Pickvick,' then," said Mr. Weller; " it's scribed in a-dressin' of you, for you are a nice gal a werry good name, and a easy one to spell." and nothin' but it."' " The werry thing," said Sam. " I could end with " That's a werry pretty sentiment," said the elder a werse; what do you think?" Mr. Weller, removing his pipe to make way for the "I don't like it, Sam," rejoined Mr. Weller. " I remark. never know'd a respectable coachman as wrote poet"Yes, I think it is rayther good," observed Sam, ry,'cept one, as made an affectin' copy o' werses the highly flattered. night afore e wos hung for a highway robbery;. " Wot I like in that'ere style of writin'," said the and he wos only a Cambervell man, so even that's elder Mr. Weller, "is, that there ain't no callin' names no rule." in it-no Wenuses, nor nothin' o' that kind. Wot's But Sam was not to be dissuaded from the poetthe good o' callin' a young'ooman a Wenus or a an- ical idea that had occurred to him, so he signed the gel, Sammy?" letter, " Ah! what, indeed?" replied Sam. "Your love-sick " You might jist as well call her a griffin, or a uni-Pickwick." corn, or a king's arms at once, which is werry well And having folded it, in a very intricate manner, known to be a col-lection o' fabulous animals," add- squeezed a down-hill direction in one corner: "To ed Mr. Weller. Mary, House-maid, at Mr. Nupkins's Mayor's, Ips" Just as well," replied Sam. wich, Suffolk;" and put it into his pocket, wafered, " Drive on, Sammy," said Mr. Weller. and ready for the General Post. This important busSam complied with the request, and proceeded as iness having been transacted, Mr. Weller the elder follows: his father continuing to smoke, with a mix- proceeded to open that on which he had summoned ed expression of wisdom and complacency, which his son. was particularly edifying. "The first matter relates to your governor, Sam"'Afore I see you, I thought all women was my," said Mr. Weller. "He's agoin' to be tried toalike.' "morrow, ain't he?" "So they are," observed the elder Mr. Weller, par- " The trial's a-comin on," replied Sam. enthetically. "Vell," said Mr. Weller, "now I s'pose he'll want "'But now,' continued Sam,'now I find what a to call some witnesses to speak to his character, or reg'lar soft-headed, ink-red'lous turnip I must ha' p'raps to prove a alleybi. I've been a-turnin' the been; for there ain't nobody like you, though I bis'ness over in my mind, and he may make hisself like you better than nothin' at all.' I thought it easy, Sammy. I've got some friends as'll do either best to make that rayther strong," said Sam, look- for him, but my adwice'ud be this here —never mind ing up. the character and stick to the alleybi. Nothing like Mr. Weller nodded approvingly, and Sam resumed. a alleybi, Sammy, nothing." Mr. Weller looked very "'So I take the privilidge of the day, Mary, my profound as he delivered this legal opinion; and dear-as the gen'l'm'n in difficulties did, ven he valk- burying his nose in his tumbler, winked over the top ed out of a Sunday-to tell you that the first and thereof at his astonished son. only time I see you, your likeness was took on my "Why, what do you mean?" said Sam; " you don't hart in much quicker time and brighter colors than think he's agoin' to be tried at the Old Bailey, do ever a likeness was took by the profeel macheen you?" (wich p'raps you may have heerd on Mary my dear), "That ain't no part of the present con-sideration, altho' it does finish a portrait and put the frame and Sammy," replied Mr. Weller. "Verever he's agoin' glass on complete, with a hook at the end to hang to be tried, my boy, a alleybi's the thing to get hinm it up by, and all in two minutes and a quarter."' off. Ve got Tom Vildspark off that'ere manslaugh" I am afeerd that werges on the poetical, Sammy," ter with a alleybi, ven all the big vigs to a man said said Mr. Weller, dubiously. as nothing couldn't save him. And my'pinion is, " No it don't," replied Sam, reading on very quick- Sammy, that if your governor don't prove a alleybi, ly, to avoid contesting the point: he'll be what the Italians call reg'larly flummoxed, "'Except of me Mary my dear as your walentine and that's all about it." 196 THE PICKWICK CLUB. As the elder Mr. Weller entertained a firm and un- and once more relapsed into a state of partial suffoalterable conviction that the Old Bailey was the su- cation in consequence. preme court of judicature in this country, and that Nothing could have been more in accordance with its rules and forms of proceeding regulated and con- Sam Weller's feelings than the projected exposure trolled the practice of all other courts of justice what- of the real propensities and qualities of the red-nosed soever, he totally disregarded the assurances and ar- man; and it being very near the appointed hour of guments of his son, tending to show that the alibi meeting, the father and son took their way at once was inadmissible; and vehemently protested that Mr. to Brick Lane: Sam not forgetting to drop his letter Pickwick was being " wictimized." Finding that into a general post-office as they walked along. it was of no use to discuss the matter further, Sam The monthly meetings of the Brick Lane Branch changed the subject, and inquired what the second of the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance topic was, on which his revered parent wished to Association were held in a large room, pleasantly and consult him. airily situated at the top of a safe and commodious "That's a pint o' domestic policy, Sammy," said ladder. The president was the straight-walking Mr. Weller. "This here Stiggins-" Mr. Anthony Humm, a converted fireman, now a "Red-nosed man?" inquired Sam. school-master, and occasionally an itinerant preach"The wery same," replied Mr. Weller. "This er; and the secretary was Mr. Jonas Mudge, chandhere red-nosed man, Sammy, wisits your mother-in- ler's shop-keeper, an enthusiastic and disinterested law vith a kindness and constancy as I never see vessel, who sold tea to the members. Previous to equaled. He's sitch a friend o' the family, Sammy, the commencement of business, the ladies sat upon that wen he's avay from us, he can't be comfortable forms, and drank tea, till such time as they considunless he has somethin' to remember us by." ered it expedient to leave off; and a large wooden "And I'd give him somethin' as'ud turpentine money-box was conspicuously placed upon the greenand bees-vax his memory for the next ten years or baize cloth of the business-table, behind which the so, if I wos you," interposed Sam. secretary stood, and acknowledged, with a gracious "Stop a minute," said Mr. Weller; "I wos agoing smile, every addition to the rich vein of copper to say, he always brings now a flat bottle as holds which lay concealed within. about a pint and a half, and fills it vith the pine- On this particular occasion the women drank tea apple rum afore he goes avay." to a most alarming extent; greatly to the horror "And empties it afore he comes back, I s'pose?" of Mr. Weller, Senior, who, utterly regardless of all said Sam. Sam's admonitory nudgings, stared about him in " Clean!" replied Mr. Weller; "never leaves noth- every direction with the most undisguised astonishin' in it but the cork and the smell; trust him for ment. that, Sammy. Now these here fellows, my boy, are "Sammy," whispered Mr. Weller, " if some o' these agoin' to-night to get up the monthly meetin' o' the here people don't want tappin' to-morrow mornin', Brick Lane Branch o' the United Grand Junction I ain't your father, and that's wot it is. Why, this Ebenezer Temperance Association. Your mother- here old lady next to me is a-drowndin' herself in in-law wos agoin', Sammy, but she's got the rheu- tea." matics, and can't; and I, Sammy-I've got the two "Be quiet, can't you?" murmured Sam. tickets as wos sent her." Mr. Weller communicated "Sam," whispered' Mr. Weller, a moment afterthis secret with great glee, and winked so indefati- ward, in a tone of deep agitation," mark my vords, gably after doing so, that Sam began to think he my boy. If that'ere secretary fellow keeps on for must have got the tic-doloureux in his right eyelid. only five minutes more, he'll blow hisself up with "Well?" said that young gentleman. toast and water." "Well," continued his progenitor, looking round " Well, let him, if he likes," replied Sam; " it ain't him very cautiously, "you and I'll go, punctiwal to no bis'ness o' yourn." the time. The deputy shepherd won't, Sammy; the "If this here lasts much longer, Sammy," said Mr. deputy shepherd won't." Here Mr. Weller was Weller, in the same low voice, "I shall feel it my seized with a paroxysm of chuckles, which gradual- duty, as a human bein',.to rise and address the cheer. ly terminated in as near an approach to a choke as There's a young'ooman on the next form but two, an elderly gentleman can with safety sustain. as has drunk nine breakfast-cups and a half; and " Well, I never see sitch an old ghost in all my she's a-swellin' wisibly before my wery eyes." born days," exclaimed Sam, rubbing the old gentle- There is little doubt that Mr. Weller would have man's back hard enough to set him on fire with the carried his benevolent intention into immediate exfriction. "What are you a-laughin' at, corpilence?" ecution, if a great noise, occasioned by putting up "Hush! Sammy," said Mr. Weller, looking round the cups and saucers, had not very fortunately anhim with increased caution, and speaking in a whis- nounced that the tea-drinking was over. The crockper: "Two friends o' mine, as works the Oxford ery having been removed, the table with the greenRoad, and is up to all kinds o' games, has got the baize cover was carried out into the centre of the deputy shepherd safe in tow, Sammy, and ven he room, and the business of the evening was comdoes come to the Ebenezer Junction (vich he's sure menced by a little emphatic man, with a bald head to do; for they'll see him to the door, and shove him and drab shorts, who suddenly rushed up the ladder, in if necessary), he'll be as far gone in rum-and-wa- at the imminent peril of snapping the two little legs ter, as ever he wos at the Markis o' Granby, Dorkin', encased in the drab shorts, and said: and that's not sayin' a little neither." And with "Ladies and gentlemen, I move our excellent this, Mr. Weller once more laughed immoderately, brother, Mr. Anthony Humm,into the chair." COMMITTEE'S REPORT. 197 The ladies waved a choice collection of pocket- he drank the contents. Feels very low and melanhandkerchiefs at this proposition; and the impetu- choly, is very feverish, and has a constant thirst ous little man literally moved Mr. Humm into the upon him; thinks it must be the wine he used to chair, by taking him by the shoulders and thrusting drink" (cheers). "Is out of employ now: and nevhim into a mahogany frame which had once repre- er touches a drop of foreign wine by any chance" sented that article of furniture. The waving of (tremendous plaudits). handkerchiefs was renewed; and Mr. Humm, who "Thomas Burton is purveyor of cat's meat to the was a sleek, white-faced man, in a perpetual perspi- Lord Mayor and Sheriffs, and several members of ration, bowed meekly, to the great admiration of the the Common Council" (the announcement of this females, and formally took his seat. Silence was gentleman's name was received with breathless inthen proclaimed by the little man in the drab shorts, terest). " Has a wooden leg; finds a wooden leg exand Mr. Humm rose and said-That, with the permis- pensive, going over the stones; used to wear secondsion of his Brick Lane Branch brothers and sisters, hand wooden legs, and drink a glass of hot gin-andthen and there present, the secretary would read the water regularly every night-sometimes two " (deep report of the Brick Lane Branch committee; a prop- sighs). " Found the second-hand wooden legs split osition which was again received with a demonstra- and rot very quickly; is firmly persuaded that their tion of pocket-handkerchiefs. constitution was undermined by the gin-and-water " The secretary having sneezed in a very impressive (prolonged cheering). " Buys new wooden legs now, manner, and the cough which always seizes an as- and drinks nothing but water and weak tea. The sembly, when any thing particular is going to be new legs last twice as long as the others used to do, done, having been duly performed, the following doc- and he attributes this solely to his temperate habument was read: its" (triumphant cheers). REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE Anthony Humm now moved that the assembly do B'REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE OF TJNE BRICT LANE regale itself with a song. With a view to their raBRANCH OF THE UNITED GRAND JUNCTION EBE- tional and moral enjoyment, brother Mordlin had NEZER TEMPERANCE ASSOCIATION. adapted the beautiful words of "Who hasn't heard " Your committee have pursued their grateful la- of a Jolly Young Waterman?" to the tune of the Old bors during the past month, and have the unspeak- Hundredth, which he would request them to join able pleasure of reporting the following additional him in singing (great applause). He might take cases of converts to Temperance. that opportunity of expressing his firm persuasion "H. Walker, tailor, wife, and two children. When that the late Mr. Dibdin, seeing the errors of his in better circumstances, owns to having been in the former life, had written that song to show the adconstant habit of drinking ale and beer; says he is vantages of abstinence. It was a temperance song not certain whether he did not twice a week, for (whirlwinds of cheers). The neatness of the young twenty years, taste'dog's nose,' which your com- man's attire, the dexterity of his feathering, the enmittee find, upon inquiry, to be compounded of warm viable state of mind which enabled him, in the beauporter, moist sugar, gin, and nutmeg " (a groan, and tiful words of the poet, to "So it is!" from an elderly female). "Is now out, o n, ~,, ~~.,,, ~ ~.. /.-,"Row along, thinking of nothing at all," of work, and penniless; thinks it must be the porter" (cheers) "or the loss of the use of his right all combined to prove that he must have been a wahand; is not certain which, but thinks it very likely ter-drinker (cheers). Oh, what a state of virtuous that, if he had drank nothing but water all his life, jollity (rapturous cheering). And what was the his fellow-workman would never have stuck a rusty young man's reward? Let all young men present needle in him, and thereby occasioned his accident" mark this: (tremendous cheering). "Has nothing but cold "The maidens all flock'd to his boat so readily." water to drink, and never feels thirsty" (great applause). (Loud cheers, in which the ladies joined.) What a "Betsy Martin, widow, one child, and one eye. bright example! The sisterhood, the maidens, flockGoes out charing and washing, by the day; never ing round the young waterman, and urging him along had more than one eye, but knows her mother drank the stream of duty and of temperance. But was it bottled stout, and shouldn't wonder if that caused the maidens of humble life only who soothed, conit " (immense cheering). "Thinks it not impossible soled, and supported him? No! that if she had always abstained from spirits, she "(He was always first oars with the fine city ladies." might have had two eyes by this time" (tremendous applause). "Used, at every place she went to, to (Immense cheering.) The soft sex to a man-he have eighteen-pence a day, a pint of porter, and a begged pardon, to a female-rallied round the young glass of spirits; but since she became a member of waterman, and turned with disgust from the drinker the Brick Lane Branch, has always demanded three- of spirits (cheers). The Brick Lane Branch brothand-sixpence instead" (the announcement of this ers were watermen (cheers and laughter). That most interesting fact was received with deafening room was their boat; that audience were the maidenthusiasm). ens; and he (Mr. Anthony Humm), however un"Henry Beller was for many years toast-master worthily, was "first oars" (unbounded applause). at various corporation dinners, during which time " Wot does he mean by the soft sex, Sammy?" inhe drank a great deal of foreign wine; may some- quired Mr. Weller, in a whisper. times have carried a bottle or two home with him; "The womin," said Sam, in the same tone. is not quite certain of that, but is sure if he did, that "He ain't far out there, Sammy," replied Mr. Wel 198 THE PICKWICK CLUB. ler; "they must be a soft sex-a wery soft sex, in- lids; and a murmur of astonishment ran through the deed-if they let themselves be gammoned by such room. fellers as him." " It's my opinion, sir," said Mr. Stiggins, unbuttonAny further observations from the indignant old ing his coat, and speaking very loudly; "it's my gentleman were cut short by the announcement of opinion, sir, that this meeting is drunk, sir. Brother the song, which Mr. Anthony Humm gave out, two Tadger, sir!" said Mr. Stiggins, suddenly increasing lines at a time, for the information of such of his in ferocity, and turning sharp round on the little hearers as were unacquainted with the legend. man in the drab shorts, "you are drunk, sir!" With While it was being sung, the little man with the this, Mr. Stiggins, entertaining a praiseworthy desire drab shorts disappeared; he returned immediately topromote the sobriety of the meeting, and to exon its conclusion, and whispered Mr. Anthony Humm, elude therefrom all improper characters, hit brother with a face of the deepest importance. Tadger on the summit of the nose with such uner"My friends," said Mr. Humm, holding up his ring aim, that the drab shorts disappeared like a hand in a deprecatory manner, to bespeak the si- flash of lightning. Brother Tadger had been knocklence of such of the stout old ladies as were yet a ed, head first, down the ladder. line or two behind; "my friends, a delegate from. Upon this, the women set up a loud and dismal the Dorking branch of our society, Brother Stiggins, screaming; and rushing in small parties before their attends below." favorite brothers, flung their arms around them to Out caume the pocket -handkerchiefs again, in preserve them from danger. An instance of affection greater force than ever; for Mr. Stiggins was ex- which had nearly proved fatal to Humm, who, becessively popular among the female constituency of ing extremely popular, was all but suffocated by the Brick Lane. crowd of female devotees that hung about his neck, "He may approach, I think," said Mr. Humm, and heaped caresses upon him. The greater part of looking round him with a fat smile. " Brother Tad- the lights were quickly put out, and nothing but ger, let him come forth and greet us." noise and confusion resounded on all sides. The little man in the drab shorts, who answered "Now, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, taking off his to the name of Brother Tadger, bustled down the great-coat with much deliberation, "just you step ladder with great speed, and was immediately after- out, and fetch in a watchman." ward heard tumbling up with the reverend Mr. Stig- "And wot are you agoin' to do the while?"inquired gins. Sam. " He's a-comin', Sammy," whispered Mr. Weller, "Never you mind me, Sammy," replied the old genpurple in the countenance with suppressed laughter. tleman; " I shall ockipy myself in havin' a small set"Don't say nothin' to me," replied Sam, "for I tlement with that'ere Stiggins." Before Sam could can't bear it. He's close to the door. I hear him interfere to prevent it, his heroic parent had penea-knockin' his head again the lath and plaster now." trated into a remote corner of the room, and attacked As Sam Weller spoke, the little door flew open, the reverend Mr. Stiggins with manual dexterity. and brother Tadger appeared, closely followed by the " Come off!" said Sam. reverend Mr. Stiggins, who no sooner entered, than "Come on!" cried Mr. Weller; and without further there was a great clapping of hands, and stamping invitation he gave the reverend Mr. Stiggins a prelimof feet, and flourishing of handkerchiefs; to all of inary tap on the head, and began dancing round him in which manifestations of delight, Brother Stiggins re- abuoyant and cork-like manner, whichin a gentleman turned no other acknowledgment than staring with at his time of life was a perfect marvel to behold. a wild eye, and a fixed smile, at the extreme top of Finding all remonstrance unavailing, Sam pulled the wick of the candle on the table: swaying his his hat firmly on, threw his father's coat over his body to and fro, meanwhile, in a very unsteady and arm, and taking the old man round the waist, forciuncertain manner. bly dragged him down the ladder, and into the street; "Are you unwell, brother Stiggins?" whispered Mr. never releasing his hold, or permitting him to stop, Anthony Humm. until they reached the corner. As they gained it, " I am all right, sir," replied Mr. Stiggins, in a tone they could hear the shouts of the populace, who were in which ferocity was blended with an extreme thick- witnessing the removal of the reverend Mr. Stiggins ness of utterance; " I am all right, sir." to strong lodgings for the night, and could hear the " Oh, very well," rejoined Mr. Anthony Humm, re- noise occasioned by the dispersion in various directreating a few paces. tions of the members of the Brick Lane Branch of I believe no man here has ventured to say that I the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance am not all right, sir?" said Mr. Stiggins. Association. "Oh, certainly not," said Mr. Humm. "I should advise him not to, sir; I should advise him not," said Mr. Stiggins. CHAPTER XXXIV. By this time the audience were perfectly silent, IS WHOLLY DEVOTED TO A FULL AND FAITHFUL and waited with some anxiety for the resumption of REPORT OF THE MEMORABLE TRIAL OF BARDELL business. Will you address the meeting, brother?" said Mr. AGAINST PICKWICK. Humm, with a smile of invitation. " WONDER what the foreman of the jury, who" No, sir," rejoined Mr. Stiggins; " no, sir. I will 1 ever he'll be, has got for breakfast," said Mr. not, sir." Snodgrass, by way'of keeping up a conversation on The meeting looked at each other with raised eye- the eventful morning of the fourteenth of February. IN COURT. 199 "Ah!" said Perker, "I hope he's got a good one." the gallery, and a numerous muster of gentlemen in "Why so?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. wigs, in the barristers' seats; who presented, as a "Highly important; very important, my dear sir," body, all that pleasing and extensive variety of nose replied Perker. "A good, contented, well-breakfast- and whisker for which the bar of England is so justed juryman, is a capital thing to get hold of. Dis- ly celebrated. Such of the gentlemen as had a brief contented or hungry jurymen, my dear sir, always to carry, carried it in as conspicuous a manner as posfind for the plaintiff." sible, and occasionally scratched their noses there" Bless my heart," said Mr. Pickwick, looking very with, to impress the fact more strongly on the obblank; " what do they do that for " servation of the spectators. Other gentlemen, who "Why, I don't know," replied the little man, cool- had no briefs to show, carried under their arms ly; "saves time, I suppose. If it's near dinner-time, goodly octavos, with a red label behind, and that the foreman takes out his watch when the jury has under-done-pie-crust-colored cover, which is techniretired, and says,'Dear me, gentlemen, ten minutes cally known as "law calf." Others, who had neito five, I declare! I dine at five, gentlemen.' So do ther briefs nor books, thrust their hands into their I,' says every body else, except two men who ought pockets, and looked as wise as they conveniently to have dined at three, and seem more than half could; others, again, moved here and there with disposed to stand out in consequence. The foreman great restlessness and earnestness of manner, consmiles, and puts up his watch:-' Well, gentlemen, tent to awaken thereby the admiration and astonwhat do we say, plaintiff or defendant, gentlemen? ishment of the uninitiated strangers. The whole, to I rather think, so far as I am concerned, gentlemen, the great wonderment of Mr. Pickwick, were divided -I say, I rather think-but don't let that influence into little groups, who were chatting and discussing you-I rather think the plaintiff's the man.' Upon the news of the day in the most unfeeling manner this, two or three other men are sure to say that possible-just as if no trial at all were coming on. they think so too-as of course they do; and then A bow from Mr. Phunky, as he entered, and took they get on very unanimously and comfortably. his seat behind the row appropriated to the King's Ten minutes past nine!" said the little man, look- Counsel, attracted Mr. Pickwick's attention; and he ing at his watch. " Time we were off, my dear sir; had scarcely returned it, when Mr. Sergeant Snubbreach-of-promise trial-court is generally full in bin appeared, followed by Mr. Mallard, who half hid such cases. You had better ring for a coach, my the Sergeant behind a large crimson bag, which le dear sir, or we shall be rather late." placed on his table, and, after shaking hands with Mr. Pickwick immediately rang the bell; and a Perker, withdrew. Then there entered two or three coach having been procured, the four Pickwickians more Sergeants; and among them, one with a fat and Mr. Perker ensconced themselves therein, and body and a red face, who nodded in a friendly mandrove to Guildhall; Sam Weller, Mr. Lowten, and the ner to Mr. Sergeant Snubbin, and said it was a fine blue bag following in a cab. morning. "Lowten," said Perker, when they reached the "Who's that red-faced man, who said it was a fine outer hall of the court, "put Mr. Pickwick's friends morning, and nodded to our counsel?" whispered Mr. in the students' box; Mr. Pickwick himself had bet- Pickwick. ter sit by me. This way, my dear sir, this way." "Mr. Sergeant Buzfuz," replied Perker. " He's opTaking Mr. Pickwick by the coat-sleeve, the little posed to us; he leads on the other side. That genman led him to the low seat just beneath the desks tleman behind him is Mr. Skimpin, his junior." of the King's Counsel, which is constructed for the Mr. Pickwick was on the point of inquiring, with convenience of attorneys, who from that spot can great abhorrence of the man's cold-blooded villainy, whisper into the ear of the leading counsel in the how Mr. Sergeant Buzfuz, who was counsel for the case any instructions that may be necessary during opposite party, dared to presume to tell Mr. Sergeant the progress of the trial. The occupants of this seat Snubbin, who was counsel for him, that it was a fine are invisible to the great body of spectators, inasmuch morning, when he was interrupted by a general risas they sit on a much lower level than either the ing of the barristers, and a loud cry of " Silence!" barristers or the audience, whose seats are raised from the officers of the court. Looking round, he above the floor. Of course they have their backs to found that this was caused by the entrance of the both, and their faces toward the judge. judge. "That's the witness-box, I suppose?" said Mr. Mr. Justice Stareleigh (who sat in the absence of Pickwick, pointing to a kind of pulpit, with a brass the Chief-Justice, occasioned by indisposition) was rail, on his left hand. a most particularly short man, and so fat, that he "That's the witness-box, my dear sir," replied seemed all face and waistcoat. He rolled in, upon Perker, disinterring a quantity of papers from the two little turned legs, and having bobbed gravely blue bag, which Lowten had just deposited at his to the bar, who bobbed gravely to him, put his little feet. legs underneath his table, and his little three-cor"And that," said Mr. Pickwick, pointing to a con- nered hat upon it; and when Mr. Justice Stareleigh pie of inclosed seats on his right, "that's where the had done this, all you could see of him was two jurymen sit, is it not?" queer little eyes, one broad pink face, and some" The identical place, my dear sir," replied Perker, where about half of a big and very comical-looking tapping the lid of his snuff-box. wig. Mr. Pickwick stood up in a state of great agita- The judge had no sooner taken his seat, than the tion, and took a glance at the court. There were officer on the floor of the court called out "Silence!" already a pretty large sprinkling of spectators in in a commanding tone, upon, which another officer 200 THE PICKWICK CLUB. in the gallery cried " Silence!" in an angry manner, Mr. Fogg, each of whom had prepared a most sympawhereupon three or four more ushers shouted " Si- thizing and melancholy face for the occasion. Mrs. lence!" in a voice of indignant remonstrance. This Sanders then appeared, leading in Master Bardell. being done, a gentleman in black, who sat below the At sight of her child, Mrs. Bardell started; suddenjudge, proceeded to call over the names of the jury; ly recollecting herself, she kissed him in a frantic and after a great deal of bawling, it was discovered manner; then relapsing into a state of hysterical that only ten special jurymen were present. Upon imbecility, the good lady requested to be informed this, Mr. Sergeant Buzfuz prayed a tales; the gentle- where she was. In reply to this, Mrs. Cluppins and man in black then proceeded to press into the special Mrs. Sanders turned their heads away and wept, jury two of the common jurymen; and a green-gro- while Messrs. Dodson and Fogg entreated the plaintcer and a chemist were caught directly. iff to compose herself. Sergeant Buzfuz rubbed his "Answer to your names, gentlemen, that you may eyes very hard with a large white handkerchief, and be sworn," said the gentleman in black. " Richard gave an appealing look toward the jury, while the Upwitch." judge was visibly affected, and several of the be"Here," said the green-grocer. holders tried to cough down their emotions. " Thomas Groffin." "Very good notion that, indeed," whispered Per" Here," said the chemist. ker to Mr. Pickwick. "Capital fellows those Dodson "Take the book, gentlemen. You shall well and and Fogg; excellent ideas of effect, my dear sir, extruly try-" cellent." " I beg this court's pardon," said the chemist, who As Perker spoke, Mrs. Bardell began to recover by was a tall, thin, yellow-visaged man, "but I hope slow degrees, while Mrs. Cluppins, after a careful this court will excuse my attendance." survey of Master Bardell's buttons and the button"On what grounds, sir?" said Mr. Justice Stare- holes to which they severally belonged, placed him leigh. on the floor of the court in front of his mother-a "I have no assistant, my Lord," said the chemist. commanding position in which he could not fail to "I can't help that, sir," replied Mr. Justice Stare- awaken the full commiseration and sympathy of leigh. "You should hire one." both judge and jury. This was not done without " I can't afford it, my Lord," rejoined the chemist. considerable opposition, and many tears, on the part " Then you ought to be able to afford it, sir," said of the young gentleman himself, who had certain the judge, reddening; for Mr. Justice Stareleigh's inward misgivings that the placing him within the temper bordered on the irritable, and brooked not full glare of the judge's eye was only a formal precontradiction. lude to his being immediately ordered away for in" I know I ought to do, if I got on as well as I de- stant execution, or for transportation beyond the served, but I don't, my Lord," answered the chemist. seas, during the whole term of his natural life, at "-Swear the gentleman," said the judge, perempto- the very least. rily. "Bardell and Pickwick," cried the gentleman in The officer had got no further than the " You shall black, calling on the case, which stood first on the well and truly try," when he was again interrupted list. by the chemist. "I am for the plaintiff, my Lord," said Mr. Ser"I am to be sworn, my Lord, am I?" said the geant Buzfuz. chemist. "Who is with you, brother Buzfuz?" said the " Certainly, sir," replied the testy little judge. judge. Mr. Skimpin bowed, to intimate that he "Very well, my Lord," replied the chemist, in a was. resigned manner. "Then there'll be murder before "I appear for the defendant, my Lord," said Mr. this trial's over; that's all. Swear me, if you please, Sergeant Snubbin. sir;" and sworn the chemist was, before the judge "Any body with you, brother Snubbin?" inquired could find words to utter. the court. "I merely wanted to observe, my Lord," said the "Mr. Phunky, my Lord," replied Sergeant Snubchemist, taking his seat with great deliberation, bin. "that I've left nobody but an errand-boy in my "Sergeant Buzfuz and Mr. Skimpin for the plaintshop. He is a very nice boy, my Lord, but he is not iff," said the judge, writing down the names in his acquainted with drugs; and I know that the pre- note-book, and reading as he wrote; "for the devailing impression on his mind is, that Epsom salts fendant, Sergeant Snubbin and Mr. Monkey." means oxalic acid; and sirup of senna, laudanum. "Beg your Lordship's pardon-Phunky." That's all, my Lord." With this, the tall chemist "Oh, very good," said the judge; "I never had composed himself into a comfortable attitude, and, the pleasure of hearing the gentleman's name beassuming a pleasant expression of countenance, ap- fore." Here Mr. Phunky bowed and smiled, and the peared to have prepared himself for the worst. judge bowed and smiled too, and then Mr. Phunky, Mr. Pickwick was regarding the chemist with blushing into the very whites of his eyes, tried to feelings of the deepest horror, when a slight sensa- look as if he didn't know that every body was gaztion was perceptible in the body of the court; and ing at him: a thing which no man ever succeeded immediately afterward Mrs. Bardell, supported by in doing yet, or, in all reasonable probability, ever Mrs. Cluppins, was led in, and placed, in a drooping will. state, at the other end of the seat on which Mr. "Go on," said the judge. Pickwick sat. An extra-sized umbrella was then The ushers again called silence, and Mr. Skimpin handed in by Mr. Dodson, and a pair of pattens by proceeded to " open the case;" and the case appear THE CASE FOR THE PLAINTIFF OPENED. 201 ed to have very little inside it when he had opened only pledge of her departed exciseman, Mrs. Bardell it, for he kept such particulars as he knew complete- shrunk from the world, and courted the retirement ly to himself, and sat down, after a lapse of three and tranquillity of Goswell Street; and here she minutes, leaving the jury in precisely the same ad- placed in her front parlor-window a written placard, vanced stage of wisdom as they were in before. bearing this inscription-' Apartments furnished for Sergeant Buzfuz then rose with all the majesty a single gentleman. Inquire within.'" Here Serand dignity which the grave nature of the proceed- geant Buzfuz paused, while several gentlemen of the ings demanded, and having whispered to Dodson, jury took a note of the document. and conferred briefly with Fogg, pulled his gown "There is no date to that, is there, sir?" inquired over his shoulders, settled his wig, and addressed a juror. the jury. "There is no date, gentlemen," replied Sergeant Sergeant Buzfuz began by saying, that never, in Buzfuz; "but I am instructed to say that it was the whole course of his professional experience- put in the plaintiff's parlor-window just this time never, from the very first moment of his applying three years. I entreat the attention of the jury to himself to the study and practice of the law-had the wording of this document.'Apartments furhe approached a case with feelings of such deep emo- nished for a single gentleman!' Mrs. Bardel's opintion, or with such a heavy sense of the responsibility ions of the opposite sex, gentlemen, were derived imposed upon him —a responsibility, he would say, from a long contemplation of the inestimable qualiwhich he could never have supported, were he not ties of her lost husband. She had no fear, she had buoyed up and sustained by a conviction so strong, no distrust, she had no suspicion; all was confidence that it amounted to positive certainty that the cause and reliance.' Mr. Bardell,' said the widow;' Mr. of truth and justice, or, in other words, the cause of Bardell was a man of honor, Mr. Bardell was a man his much-injured and most oppressed client, must of his word, Mr. Bardell was no deceiver, Mr. Bardell prevail with the high-minded and intelligent dozen was once a single gentleman himself; to single genof men whom he now saw in that box before him. tlemen I look for protection, for assistance, for comCounsel usually begin in this way, because it puts fort, and for consolation; in single gentlemen I shall the jury on the very best terms with themselves, perpetually see something to remind me of what Mr. and makes them think what sharp fellows they must Bardell was, when he first won my young and unbe. A visible effect was produced immediately; sev- tried affections; to a single gentleman, then, shall eral jurymen beginning to take voluminous notes my lodgings be let.' Actuated by this beautiful and with the utmost eagerness. touching impulse (among the best impulses of our "You have heard from my learned friend, gentle- imperfect nature, gentlemen), the lonely and desomen," continued Sergeant Buzfuz, well knowing that, late widow dried her tears, furnished her first-floor, from the learned friend alluded to, the gentlemen of caught the innocent boy to her maternal bosom, and the jury had heard just nothing at all-" you have put the bill up in her parlor-window. Did it reheard from my learned friend, gentlemen, that this main there long? No. The serpent was on the is an action for a breach of promise of marriage, in watch, the train was laid, the mine was preparing, which the damages are laid at ~1500. But you have the sapper and miner was at work. Before the bill not heard from my learned friend, inasmuch as it did had been in the parlor-window three days-three not come within my learned friend's province to tell days-gentlemen-a Being, erect upon two legs, and you, what are the facts and circumstances of the bearing all the outward semblance of a man, and case. Those facts and circumstances, gentlemen, you not of a monster, knocked at the door of Mrs. Barshall hear detailed by me, and proved by the unim- dell's house. He inquired within; he took the lodgpeachable female whom I will place in that box be- ings; and on the very next day he entered into posfore you." session of them. This man wag Pickwick-PickHere Mr. Sergeant Buzfuz, with a tremendous em- wick, the defendant." phasis on the word "box," smote his table with a Sergeant Buzfiz, who had proceeded with such mighty sound, and glanced at Dodson and Fogg, who volubility that his face was perfectly crimson, here nodded admiration of the sergeant, and indignant paused for breath. The silence awoke Mr. Justice defiance of the defendant. Stareleigh, who immediately wrote down something "The plaintiff, gentlemen," continued Sergeant with a pen without any ink in it, and looked unusBuzfuz, in a soft and melancholy voice, " the plaint- nally profound, to impress the jury with the belief iff is a widow; yes, gentlemen, a widow. The late that he always thought most deeply with his eyes Mr. Bardell, after enjoying for many years the esteem shut. Sergeant Buzfuz proceeded. and confidence of his sovereign, as one of the guard- "Of this man Pickwick I will say little; the subians of his royal revenues, glided almost impercep- ject presents but few attractions; and I, gentlemen, tibly from the world, to seek elsewhere for that re- am not the man, nor are you, gentlemen, the men, to pose and peace which a custom-house can never af- delight in the contemplation of revolting heartlessford." ness, and of systematic villainy." At this pathetic description of the decease of Mr. Here Mr. Pickwick, who had been writhing in siBardell, who had been knocked on the head with a lence for some time, gave a violent start, as if some quart-pot in a public-house cellar, the learned ser- vague idea of assaulting Sergeant Buzfuz, in the augeant's voice faltered, and he proceeded with emo- gust presence of justice and law, suggested itself to tion: his mind. An admonitory gesture from Perker re" Some time before his death, he had stamped his strained him, and he listened to the learned gentlelikeness upon a little boy. With this little boy, the man's continuation with a look of indignation, which 202 THE PICKWICK CLUB. contrasted forcibly with the admiring faces of Mrs. A visible impression was produced upon the auCluppins and Mrs. Sanders. ditors by this part of the learned sergeant's address. "I say systematic villainy, gentlemen," said Ser- Drawing forth two very small scraps of paper, he geant Buzfuz, looking through Mr. Pickwick, and proceeded: talking at him; "and when I say systematic vil- "And now, gentlemen, but one word more. Two lainy, let me tell the defendant Pickwick, if he be letters have passed between these parties, letters in court, as I am informed he is, that it would have which are admitted to be in the handwriting of the been more decent in him, more becoming, in better defendant, and which speak volumes indeed. These judgment, and in better taste, if he had stopped letters, too, bespeak the character of the man. They away. Let me tell him, gentlemen, that any ges- are not open, fervent, eloquent epistles, breathing tures of dissent or disapprobation in which he may nothing but the language of affectionate attachindulge in this court will not go down with you; ment; they are covert, sly, underhanded communithat you will know how to value and how to appre- cations, but, fortunately, far more conclusive than ciate them; and let me tell him further, as my lord if couched in the most glowing language and the will tell you, gentlemen, that a counsel, in the dis- most poetic imagery-letters that must be viewed charge of his duty to his client, is neither to be in- with a cautious and suspicious eye —letters that timidated nor bullied, nor put down; and that any were evidently intended at the time by Pickwick attempt to do either the one or the other, or the first, to mislead and delude any third parties into whose or the last, will recoil on the head of the attempter, hands they might fall. Let me read the first:be he plaintiff or be he defendant, be his name Pick-'Garraway's, twelve o'clock. Dear Mrs. B.-Chops wick, or Noakes, or Stoakes, or Stiles, or Brown, or and Tomato sauce. Yours, PICKWICK.' Gentlemen, Thompson." what does this mean? Chops and Tomato sauce. This little divergence from the subject in hand, Yours, Pickwick! Chops! Gracious heavens! and had of course the intended effect of turning all eyes Tomato sauce! Gentlemen, is the happiness of a to Mr. Pickwick. Sergeant Buzfuz, having partial- sensitive and confiding female to be trifled away, by ly recovered from the state of moral elevation into such shallow artifices as these? The next has no which he had lashed himself, resumed: date whatever, which is in itself suspicious.'Dear "I shall show you, gentlemen, that for two years Mrs. B., I shall not be at home till to-morrow. Slow Pickwick continued to reside constantly, and with- coach.' And then follows this very remarkable exout interruption or intermission, at Mrs. Bardell's pression.'Don't trouble yourself about the warmhouse. I shall show you that Mrs. Bardell, during ing-pan.' The warming-pan! Why, gentlemen, who the whole of that time, waited on him, attended to does trouble himself about a warming-pan? When his comforts, cooked his meals, looked out his linen was the peace of mind of man or woman broken or for the washer-woman when it went abroad, darned, disturbed by a warming-pan, which is in itself a aired, and prepared it for wear when it came home, harmless, a useful, and I will add, gentlemen, a comand, in short, enjoyed his fullest trust and confi- forting article of domestic furniture? Why is Mrs. dence. I shall show you that, on many occasions, Bardell so earnestly entreated not to agitate herself he gave half-pence, and on some occasions even six- about this warming-pan, unless (as is no doubt the pences, to her little boy; and I shall prove to you, case) it is a mere cover for hidden fire-a mere subby a witness whose testimony it will be impossible stitute for some endearing word or promise, agreefor my learned friend to weaken or controvert, that ably to a preconcerted system of correspondence, arton one occasion he patted the boy on the head, and fully contrived by Pickwick with a view to his conafter inquiring whether he had won any alley tors or templated desertion, and which I am not in a condicommoneys lately (both of which I understand to be tion to explain? And what does this allusion to the a particular species of marbles much prized by the slow coach mean? For aught I know, it may be a youth of this town), made use of this remarkable ex- reference to Pickwick himself, who has most unquespression:'How should you like to have another fa- tionably been a criminally slow coach during the ther?' I shall prove to you, gentlemen, that about whole of this transaction, but.whose speed will now a year ago Pickwick suddenly began to absent him- be very unexpectedly accelerated, and whose wheels, self from home, during long intervals, as if with the gentlemen, as he will find to his cost, will very soon intention of gradually breaking off from my client; be greased by you!" but I shall show you also, that his resolution was Mr. Sergeant Buzfuz paused in this place, to see not at that time sufficiently strong, or that his bet- whether the jury smiled at his joke; but as nobody ter feelings conquered, if better feelings he has, or took it but the green-grocer, whose sensitiveness on that the charms and accomplishments of my client the subject was very probably occasioned by his havprevailed against his unmanly intentions; by prov- ing subjected a chaise-cart to the process in question ing to you, that on one occasion, when he returned on that identical morning, the learned sergeant confrom the country, he distinctly and in terms offered sidered it advisable to undergo a slight relapse into her marriage: previously, however, taking special the dismals before he concluded. care that there should be no witness to their solemn "But enough of this, gentlemen," said Mr. Sercontract; and I am in a situation to prove to you, geant Buzfuz; "it is difficult to smile with an achon the testimony of three of his own friends-most ing heart; it is ill jesting when our deepest sympaunwilling witnesses, gentlemen-most unwilling thies are awakened. My client's hopes and prospects witnesses-that on that morning he was discovered are ruined, and it is no figure of speech to say that by them holding the plaintiff in his arms, and sooth- her occupation is gone indeed. The bill is downing her agitation by his caresses and endearments." but there is no tenant. Eligible single gentlemen MRS. CLUPPINS IN THE BOX. 203 pass and repass-but there is no invitation for them known to Mrs. Bardell; I had been out with a little to inquire within or without. All is gloom and si- basket, gentlemen, to buy three pound of red kidney lence in the house; even the voice of the child is purtaties which was three pound tuppense ha'penhushed; his infant sports are disregarded when his ny, whenhI see Mrs. Bardell's street door on the jar." mother weeps; his' alley tors' and his'commoneys' "On the what?" exclaimed the little judge. are alike neglected; he forgets the long familiar cry "Partly open, my Lord," said Sergeant Snubbin. of knuckle down,' and at tip-cheese, or odd and "She said on the jar," said the little judge, with a even, his hand is out. But Pickwick, gentlemen, cunning look. Pickwick, the ruthless destroyer of this domestic "It's all the same, my Lord," said Sergeant Snuboasis in the desert of Goswell Street-Pickwick, who bin. The little judge looked doubtful, and said he'd has choked up the well, and thrown ashes on the make a note of it. Mrs. Cluppins then resumed. sward-Pickwick, who comes before you to-day "I walked in, gentlemen, just to say good-mornwith his heartless Tomato sauce and warming-pans in', and went, in a permiscuous manner, up stairs, -Pickwick still rears his head with unblushing ef- and into the back-room. Gentlemen, there was the frontery, and gazes without a sigh on the ruin he sound of voices in the front room, and-" has made. Damages, gentlemen-heavy damages- "And you listened, I believe, Mrs. Cluppins?" said is the only punishment with which you can visit Sergeant Buzfuz. him; the only recompense you can award to my "Beggin' your pardon, sir," replied Mrs. Cluppins, client. And for those damages she now appeals to in a majestic manner, "I would scorn the haction. an enlightened, a high-minded, a right-feeling, a The voices was very loud, sir, and forced themselves conscientious, a dispassionate, a sympathizing, a con- upon my ear." templativejury of her civilized countrymen." With "Well, Mrs. Cluppins, you were not listening, but this beautiful peroration, Mr. Sergeant Buzfuz sat you heard the voices. Was one of those voices down, and Mr. Justice Stareleigh woke up. Pickwick's?" " Call Elizabeth, Cluppins," said Sergeant Buzfuz, "Yes, it were, sir." rising a minute afterward, with renewed vigor. And Mrs. Cluppins, after distinctly stating that The nearest usher called for'Elizabeth Tuppins; Mr. Pickwick addressed himself to Mrs. Bardell, reanother one, at a little distance off, demanded Eliz- peated by slow degrees, and by dint of many quesabeth Jupkins; and a third rushed in a breathless tions, the conversation with which our readers are state into King Street, and screamed for Elizabeth already acquainted. Muffins till he was hoarse. The jury looked suspicious, and Mr. Sergeant BuzMeanwhile Mrs. Cluppins, with the combined as- fuz smiled and sat down. They looked positively sistance of Mrs. Bardell, Mrs. Sanders, Mr. Dodson, awful when Sergeant Snubbin intimated that he and Mr. Fogg, was hoisted into the witness -box; should not cross-examine the witness, for Mr. Pickand when she was safely perched on the top step, wick wished it to be distinctly stated that it was Mrs. Bardell stood on the bottom one, with the pock- due to her to say that her account was in substance et-handkerchief and pattens in one hand, and a glass correct. bottle that might hold about a quarter of a pint of Mrs. Cluppins having once broken the ice, thought smelling-salts in the other, ready for any emergency. it a favorable opportunity for entering into a short Mrs. Sanders, whose eyes were intently fixed on the dissertation on her own domestic affairs; so she judge's face, planted herself close by, with the large straightway proceeded to inform the court that she umbrella: keeping her right thumb pressed on the was the mother of eight children at that present spring with an earnest countenance, as if she were speaking, and that she entertained confident expecfully prepared to put it up at a moment's notice. tations of presenting Mr. Cluppins with a ninth, "Mrs. Cluppins," said Sergeant Buzfuz, "praycom- somewhere about that day six months. At this inpose yourself, ma'am." Of course, directly Mrs. Clup- teresting point, the little judge interposed most iraspins was desired to compose herself she sobbed with cibly; and the effect of the interposition was, that increased vehemence, and gave divers alarming man- both the worthy lady and Mrs. Sanders were politeifestations of an approaching fainting-fit, or, as she af- ly taken out of court, under the escort of Mr. Jackterward said, of her feelings being too many for her. son, without further parley. "Do you recollect, Mrs. Cluppins?" said Sergeant " Nathaniel Winkle!" said Mr. Skimpin. Buzfuz, after a few unimportant questions, " do you "Here!" replied a feeble voice. Mr. Winkle enrecollect being in Mrs. Bardell's back one pair of tered the witness-box, and having been duly sworn, stairs, on one particular morning in July last, when bowed to the judge with considerable deference. she was dusting Pickwick's apartment?" "Don't look at me, sir," said the judge, sharply, in " Yes, my Lord and Jury, I do," replied Mrs. Clup- acknowledgment of the salute; " look at the jury." pins. Mr. Winkle obeyed the mandate, and looked at "Mr. Pickwick's sitting-room was the first-floor the place where he thought it most probable the front, I believe?" jury might be; for seeing any thing in his then "Yes, it were, sir," replied Mrs. Cluppins. state of intellectual complication was wholly out of "What were you doing in the back-room, ma'am?" the question. inquired the little judge. Mr. Winkle was then examined by Mr. Skimpin, "My Lord and Jury," said Mrs. Cluppins, with in- who, being a promising young man of two or three teresting agitation," I will not deceive you." and forty, was of course anxious to confuse a wit" You had better not, ma'am," said the little judge. ness who was notoriously predisposed in favor of " I was there," resumed Mrs. Cluppins, " ube- the other side, as much as he could. 204 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Now, sir," said Mr. Skimpin, "have the goodness sir." And the learned gentleman, with a firm and to let his Lordship and the jury know what your steady frown, placed his hands on his hips, and name is, will you?" and Mr. Skimpin inclined his smiled suspiciously at the jury. head on one side to listen with great shapness to On this question there arose the edifying browthe answer, and glanced at the jury meanwhile, as beating customary on such points. First of all, Mr. if to imply that he rather expected Mr. Winkle's Winkle said it was quite impossible for him to say natural taste for perjury would induce him to give how many times he had seen Mrs. Bardell. Then he some name which did not belong to him. was asked if he had seen her twenty times, to which "Winkle," replied the witness. he replied, " Certainly-more than that." Then he "What's your Christian name, sir?" angrily in- was asked whether he hadn't seen her a hundred quired the little judge. times-whether he couldn't swear that he had seen " Nathaniel, sir." her more than fifty times-whether he didn't know "Daniel-any other name?" that he had seen her at least seventy-five times"Nathaniel, sir-my Lord, I mean." and so forth; the satisfactory conclusion which was "Nathaniel Daniel, or Daniel Nathaniel?" arrived at at last being, that he had better take care "No, my Lord, only Nathaniel; not Daniel at all." of himself, and mind what he was about. The wit"What did you tell me it was Daniel for, then, ness having been by these means reduced to the reqsir?" inquired the judge. uisite ebb of nervous perplexity, the examination " I didn't, my Lord," replied Mr. Winkle. was continued as follows: "You did, sir," replied the judge, with a severe "Pray, Mr. Winkle, do you remember calling on frown. " How could I have got Daniel on my notes, the defendant Pickwick at these apartments in the unless you told me so, sir?" plaintiff's house in Goswell Street, on one particular This argument was, of course, unanswerable. morning in the month of July last?" "I Mr. Winkle has rather a short memory, my Lord," "Yes, I do." interposed Mr. Skimpin, with another glance at the "Were you accompanied on that occasion by a jury. " We shall find means to refresh it before we friend of the name of Tupman, and another of the have quite done with him, I dare say." name of Snodgrass?" "You had better be careful, sir," said the little "Yes, I was." judge, with a sinister look at the witness. "Are they here?" Poor Mr. Winkle bowed, and endeavored to feign "Yes, they are," replied Mr. Winkle, looking very an easiness of manner, which, in his then state of earnestly toward the spot where his friends were confusion, gave him rather the air of a disconcerted stationed. pickpocket. "Praytattend to me, Mr. Winkle, and never mind "Now, Mr. Winkle," said Mr. Skimpin, "attend to your friends," said Mr. Skimpin, with another exme, if you please, sir; and let me recommend you, pressive look at the jury. "They must tell their for your own sake, to bear in mind his Lordship's stories without any previous consultation with you, injunction to be careful. I believe you are a partic- if none has yet taken place (another look at the ular friend of Pickwick, the defendant, are you not?" jury). Now, sir, tell the gentlemen of the jury " I have known Mr. Pickwick now, as well as I what you saw on entering the defendants room on recollect at this moment, nearly-" this particular morning. Come; out with it, sir; "Pray, Mr. Winkle, do not evade the question. we must have it, sooner or later." Are you, or are you not, a particular friend of the "The defendant, Mr. Pickwick, was holding the defendant's?" plaintiff in his arms, with his hands clasping her "I was just about to say, that-" waist," replied Mr. Winkle with natural hesitation, "Will you, or will you not, answer my question, "and the plaintiff appeared to have fainted away." sir?" " Did you hear the defendant say any thing?" " If you don't answer the question you'll be com- "I heard him call Mrs. Bardell a good creature, mitted, sir," interposed the little judge, looking over and I heard him ask her to compose herself, for what his note-book. a situation it was, if any body should come, or words " Come, sir," said Mr. Skimpin, "yes or no, if you to that effect." please." "Now, Mr. Winkle, I have only one more question "Yes, I am," replied Mr. Winkle. to ask you, and I beg you to bear in mind his lord"Yes, you are. And why couldn't you say that ship's caution. Will you undertake to swear that at once, sir Perhaps you know the plaintiff, too? Pickwick, the defendant, did not say on the occasion Eh, Mr. Winkle?" in question,'My dear Mrs. Bardell, you're a good "I don't know her; I've seen her." creature; compose yourself to this situation, for to "Oh, you don't know her, but you've seen her? this situation you must come,' or words to that efNow, have the goodness to tell the gentlemen of the feet?" jury what you mean by that, Mr. Winkle." "I-I didn't understand him so, certainly," said "I mean that I am not intimate with her, but I Mr. Winkle, astounded at this ingenious dovetailing have seen her when I went to call on Mr. Pickwick of the few words he had heard. " I was on the stairin Goswell Street." case, and couldn't hear distinctly; the impression " How often have you seen her, sir?" on my mind is-" "How often?" "The gentlemen of the jury want none of the im"Yes, Mr. Winkle, how often? I'll repeat the pressions on your mind, Mr. Winkle, which I fear question for you a dozen times, if you require it, would be of little service to honest, straightforward DAMAGING EVIDENCE OF MR. WINKLE. 205 men," interposed Mr. Skimpin. "You were on the "Stay, Mr. Winkle, stay!" said Sergeant Buzfuz, staircase, and didn't distinctly hear; but you will "will your lordship have the goodness to ask him, not swear that Pickwick did not make use of the what this one instance of suspicious behavior toward expressions I have quoted? Do I understand that?" females on the part of this gentleman, who is old "'No, I will not," replied Mr. Winkle; and down enough to be his father, was?" sat Mr. Skimpin with a triumphant countenance. "You hear what the learned counsel says, sir," Mr. Pickwick's case had not gone off in so particu- observed the judge, turning to the miserable and larly happy a manner, up to this point, that it could agonized Mr. Winkle. "Describe the occasion to very well afford to have any additional suspicion which you refer." cast upon it. But as it could afford to be placed in "My lord," said Mr. Winkle, trembling with anxa rather better light, if possible, Mr. Phunky rose for iety, " I-I'd rather not." the purpose of getting something important out of "Perhaps so," said the little judge; "but you Mr. Winkle in cross-examination. Whether he did must." get any thing important out of him, will immediate- Amidst the profound silence of the whole court, ly appear. Mr. Winkle faltered out, that the trifling circum"I believe, Mr. Winkle," said Mr. Phunky, "that stance of suspicion was Mr. Pickwick's being found Mr. Pickwick is not a young man?" iin a lady's sleeping apartment at midnight; which "Oh no," replied Mr. Winkle; "old enough to be had terminated, he believed, in the breaking off of my father." the projected marriage of the lady in question, and "You have told my learned friend that you have had led, he knew, to the whole party being forcibly known Mr. Pickwick a long time. Had you ever carried before George Nupkins, Esq., magistrate and any reason to suppose or believe that he was about justice of the peace, for the borough of Ipswich! to be married?" " You may leave the box, sir," said Sergeant Snub" Oh no; certainly not," replied Mr. Winkle with bin. Mr. Winkle did leave the box, and rushed with so much eagerness, that Mr. Phunky ought to have delirious haste to the George and Vulture, where he got him out of the box with all possible dispatch. was discovered some hours after by the waiter, groanLawyers hold that there are two kinds of particu- ing in a hollow and dismal manner, with his head larly bad witnesses: a reluctant witness, and a too- buried beneath the sofa cushions. willing witness; it was Mr. Winkle's fate to figure Tracy Tupman and Augustus Snodgrass were sevin both characters. erally called into the box; both corroborated the " I will even go further than this, Mr. Winkle," testimony of their unhappy friend; and each was continued Mr. Phunky, in a most smooth and com- driven to the verge of desperation by excessive placent manner. "Did you ever see any thing in badgering. Mr. Pickwick's manner and conduct toward the op- Susannah Sanders was then called, and examined posite sex,-to induce you to believe that he ever con- by Sergeant Buzfuz, and cross-examined by Sergeant templated matrimony of late years, in any case?" Snubbin. Had always said and believed that Pick"Oh no; certainly not," replied Mr. Winkle. wick would marry Mrs. Bardell; knew that Mrs. "Has his behavior, when females have been in the Bardell's being engaged to Pickwick was the curcase, always been that of a man who, having attain- rent topic of conversation in the neighborhood, after ed a pretty advanced period of life, content with his the fainting in July; had been told it herself by own occupations and amusements, treats them only Mrs. Mudberry, which kept a mangle, and Mrs. Bunas a father might his daughters?" kin which clear-starched, but did not see either Mrs. " Not the least doubt of it," replied Mr. Winkle, in Mudberry or Mrs. Bunkin in court. Had heard Pickthe fullness of his heart. " That is-yes-oh yes- wick ask the little boy how he should like to have certainly." another father. Did not know that Mrs. Bardell "You have never known any thing in his behav- was at that time keeping company with the baker, ior toward Mrs. Bardell. or any other female, in the but did know that the baker was then a single man, least degree suspicious?" said Mr. Phunky, prepar- and is now married. Couldn't swear that Mrs. Baring to sit down; for Sergeant Snubbin was winking dell was not very fond of the baker, but should think at him. that the baker was not very fond of Mrs. Bardell, or "N-n-no," replied Mr. Winkle, " except on one he wouldn't have married somebody else. Thought trifling occasion, which, I have no doubt, might be Mrs. Bardell fainted away on the morning in July easily explained." because Pickwick asked her to name the day; knew Now, if the unfortunate Mr. Phunky had sat down that she (witness) fainted away stone dead when when Sergeant Snubbin winked at him, or if Ser- Mr. Sanders asked her to name the day, and believed geant Buzfuz had stopped this irregular cross-ex- that every body as called herself a lady would do amination at the outset (which he knew better than the same under similar circumstances. Heard Pickto do; observing Mr. Winkle's anxiety, and well wick ask the boy the question about the marbles, knowing it would, in all probability, lead to some- but upon her oath did not know the difference bething serviceable to him), this unfortunate admis- tween an alley tor and a commoney. sion would not have been elicited. The moment By the COURT.-During the period of her keeping the words fell from Mr. Winkle's lips, Mr. Phunky company with Mr. Sanders, had received love-letters, sat down, and Sergeant Snubbin rather hastily told like other ladies. In the course of their correspondhim he might leave the box, which Mr. Winkle pre- ence, Mr. Sanders had often called her a " duck," but pared to do with great readiness, when Sergeant never "chops," nor yet "tomato sauce." He was Buzfuz stopped him. particularly fond of ducks. Perhaps if he had been 206 THE PICKWICK CL UB. as fond of chops and tomato sauce, he might have "Have the goodness to tell the jury what it was." called her that, as a term of affection. "I had a reg'lar new fit out o' clothes that mornSergeant Buzfuz now rose with more importance in', gen'l'men of the jury," said Sam, " and that was than he had yet exhibited, if that were possible, and a wery partickler and uncommon circumstance vith vociferated: "Call Samuel Weller." me in those days." It was quite unnecessary to call Samuel Weller; Hereupon there was a general laugh; and the litfor Samuel Weller stepped briskly into the box the tie judge, looking with an angry countenance over instant his name was pronounced; and placing his his desk, said, " You had better be careful, sir." hat on the floor, and his arms on the rail, took a "So Mr. Pickwick said at the time, my lord," rebird's-eye view of the bar, and a comprehensive sur- plied Sam; " and I was wery careful o' that'ere suit vey of the bench, with a remarkably cheerful and o' clothes; wery careful indeed, my lord." lively aspect. The judge looked sternly at Sam for full two min"What's your name, sir?" inquired the judge. utes, but Sam's features were so perfectly calm and "Sam Weller, my lord," replied that gentleman. serene that the judge said nothing, and motioned "Do you spell it with a'V' or a'W?"' inquired Sergeant Buzfuz to proceed. the judge. "Do you mean to tell me, Mr. Weller," said Ser"That depends upon the taste and fancy of the geant Buzfuz, folding his arms emphatically, and speller, my lord," replied Sam; " I never had occa- turning half round to the jury, as if in mute assursion to spell it more than once or twice in my life, ance that he would bother the witness yet: "Do but I spells it with a'V."' you mean to tell me, Mr. Weller, that you saw nothHere a voice in the gallery exclaimed aloud, "Quite ing of this fainting on the part of the plaintiff in the right too, Samivel, quite right. Put it down a we, arms of the defendant, which you have heard demy lord, put it down a we." scribed by the witnesses?" "Who is that, who dares to address the court?" "Certainly not," replied Sam, " I was in the passaid the little judge, looking up. " Usher." sage till they called me up, and then the old lady was "Yes, my lord." not there." "Bring that person here instantly." "Now, attend, Mr. Weller," said Sergeant Buzfuz, "Yes, my lord." dipping a large pen into the inkstand before him, But as the usher didn't find the person, he didn't for the purpose of frightening Sam with a show of bring him; and, after a great commotion, all the peo- taking down his answer. "You were in the paspie who had got up to look for theculprit sat down sage, and yet saw nothing of what was going foragain. The little judge turned to the witness as ward. Have you a pair of eyes, Mr. Weller?" soon as his indignation would allow him to speak, "Yes, I have a pair of eyes," replied Sam, " and and said, that's just it. If they wos a pair o' patent double " Do you know who that was, sir?" million magnifyin' gas microscopes of hextra power, " I rayther suspect it was my father, my lord," re- p'raps I might be able to see through a flight o' plied Sam. stairs and a deal door; but bein' only eyes, you see, "Do you see him here now?" said the judge. my wision's limited." "No, I don't, my lord," replied Sam, staring right At this answer, which was delivered without the up into the lantern in the roof of the court. slightest appearance of irritation, and with the most "If you could have pointed him out, I would have complete simplicity and equanimity of manner, the committed him instantly," said the judge. spectators tittered, the little judge smiled, and SerSam bowed his acknowledgments and turned, geant Buzfuz looked particularly foolish. After a with unimpaired cheerfulness of countenance, to- short consultation with Dodson and Fogg, the learnward Sergeant Buzfuz. ed Sergeant again turned toward Sam, and said, with "Now, Mr. Weller," said Sergeant Buzfuz. a painful effort to conceal his vexation, "Now, Mr. "Now, sir," replied Sam. Weller, I'll ask you a question on another point, if " I believe you are in the service of Mr. Pickwick, you please." the defendant in this case. Speak up, if you please, "If you please, sir," rejoined Sam, with the utmost Mr. Weller." good-humor. " I mean to speak up, sir," replied Sam; "I am in "Do, you remember going up to Mrs. Bardell's the service o' that'ere gen'l'man, and a wery good house one night in November last?" service it is." "Oh yes, wery well." "Little to do, and plenty to get, I suppose?" said "Oh, you do remember that, Mr. Weller," said SerSergeant Buzfuz, with jocularity. geant Buzfuz, recovering his spirits; "I thought we "Oh, quite enough to get, sir, as the soldier said should get at something at last." ven they ordered him three hundred and fifty lash- "I rayther thought that, too, sir," replied Sam; es," replied Sam. and at this the spectators tittered again. "You must not tell us what the soldier, or any "Well; I suppose you went up to have a little other man, said, sir," interposed the judge; " it's not talk about this trial-eh, Mr. Weller?" said Sergeant evidence." Buzfuz, looking knowingly at the jury. "Wery good, my lord," replied Sam. "I went up to pay the rent; but we did get " Do you recollect any thing particular happening a-talkin' about the trial," replied Sam. on the morning when you were first engaged by the "Oh, you did get a-talking about the trial," said defendant; eh, Mr. Weller?" said Sergeant Buzfuz. Sergeant Buzfuz, brightening up with the anticipa"Yes I do, sir," replied Sam. tion of some important discovery. "Now what .. I "NO, I DON'T, MY LORD," REPLIED SAM, STARING RIGHT UP INTO TIlE LANTERN IN TH3 ROOF OF THE COURT. MR. SAMUEL WELLER SETS A TRAP. 209 passed about the trial; will you have the goodness "Not I, Mr. Weller, thank you," said Sergeant to tell us, Mr. Weller?" Snubbin, laughing. " Vith all the pleasure in life, sir," replied Sam. "You may go down, sir," said Sergeant Buzfuz, "Arter a few unimportant obserwations from the waving his hand impatiently. Sam went down actwo wirtuous females as has been examined here to- cordingly, after doing Messrs. Dodson and Fogg's day, the ladies gets into a very great state o' admi- case as much harm as he conveniently could, and ration at the honorable conduct of Mr. Dodson and saying just as little respecting Mr. Pickwick as Fogg -them two gen'l'men as is settin' near you might be, which was precisely the object he had had now." This, of course, drew general attention to in view all along. Dodson and Fogg, who looked as virtuous as possi- "I have no objection to admit, my lord," said Serble. geant Snubbin, " if it will save the examination of" The attorneys for the plaintiff," said Mr. Ser- another witness, that Mr. Pickwick has retired from geant Buzfus. "Well! They spoke in.high praise business, and is a gentleman of considerable indeof the honorable conduct of Messrs. Dodson and Fogg, pendent property." the attorneys for the plaintiff, did they?" Very well," said Sergeant Buzfuz, putting in the I.!..... ~~ IB'ui HUAVINU DRAWN ON H1S GLOUVE8 Wlia aiSi6A1' A1)li3.1. " Yes," said Sam, "they said what a wery gen'rous two letters to be read, "then that's my case, my thing it was o' them to have taken up the case on lord." spec, and to charge nothing at all for costs, unless Sergeant Snubbin then addressed the jury on bethey got'em out of Mr. Pickwick." half of the lefendant; and a very long and a very At this very unexpected reply, the spectators tit- emphatic address he delivered, in which he bestowed tered again, and Dodson and Fogg, turning very red, the highest possible eulogiums on the conduct and leaned over to Sergeant Buzfuz, and in a hurried character of Mr. Pickwick; but inasmuch as our manner whispered something in his ear. readers are far better able to form a correct estimate " You are quite right," said Sergeant Buzfuz aloud, of that gentleman's merits and deserts than Sergeant with affected composure. "It's perfectly useless, Snubbin could possibly be, we do not feel called my lord, attempting to get at any evidence through upon to enter at any length into the learned gentlethe impenetrable stupidity of this witness. I will man's observations. He attempted to show that the not trouble the court by asking him any more ques- letters which had been exhibited merely related to tions. Stand down, sir." Mr. Pickwick's dinner, or to the preparations for re"Would any other gen'l'man like to ask me any ceiving him in his apartments on his return from thin'?" inquired Sam, taking up his hat and looking some country excursion. It is sufficient to add in round most deliberately. general terms, that he did the best he could for Mr. 14 210 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Pickwick; and the best, as every body knows, on Sam had put up the steps, and was preparing to the infallible authority of the old adage, could do jump upon the box, when he felt himself gently no more. touched on the shoulder; and looking round, his faMr. Justice Starleigh summed up, in the old-es- ther stood before him. The old gentleman's countetablished and most approved form. He read as nance wore a mournful expression, as he shook his much of his notes to the jury as he could decipher head gravely, and said, in warning accents: on so short a notice, and made running comments on " I know'd what'ud come'o this here mode o' dothe evidence as he went along. If Mrs. Bardell were in' business. Oh Sammy, Sammy, vy worn't there a right, it was perfectly clear that Mr. Pickwick was alleybi!" wrong, and if they thought the evidence of Mrs. Cluppins worthy of credence, they would believe it, and if they didn't, why they wouldn't. If they were CHAPTER XXXV. satisfied that a breach of promise of marriage had PCKWICK THINKS HE AD BETTER been committed, they would find for the plaintiff ACCORD with such damages as they thought proper; and if, on the other hand, it appeared to them that no prom-" " UT surely, my dear sir," said little Perker, as ise of marriage had ever been given, they would find J 1 he stood in Mr. Pickwick's apartment on the forthe defendant, with no damages at all. The jury morning after the trial; "surely you don't really then retired to their private room to talk the matter mean-really and seriously now, and irritation apart over, and the judge retired to his private room, to -that you won't pay these costs and damages?" refresh himself with a mutton chop and a glass of "Not one half-penny," said Mr. PickwiCk, firmly; sherry. " not one half-penny." An anxious quarter of an hour elapsed; the jury "Hooroar for the principle, as the money-lender came back; the judge was fetched in. Mr. Pick- said ven he vouldn't renew the bill," observed Mr. wick put on his spectacles, and gazed at the foreman Weller, who was clearing away the breakfast-things. with an agitated countenance and a quickly beating "Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, "have the goodness to heart. step down stairs." "Gentlemen," said the individual in black, " are " Cert'nly, sir," replied Mr. Weller; and acting on you all agreed upon your verdict?" Mr. Pickwick's gentle hint, Sam retired. "We are," replied the foreman. "No, Perker," said Mr. Pickwick, with great seri"Do you find for the plaintiff, gentlemen, or for ousness of manner, "my friends here have endeavorthe defendant?" ed to dissuade me from this determination, but with" For the plaintiff." out avail. I shall employ myself as usual until the "With what damages, gentlemen " opposite party have the power of issuing a legal "Seven hundred and fifty pounds." process of execution against me; and if they are vile Mr. Pickwick took off his spectacles, carefully enough to avail themselves of it, and to arrest my wiped the glasses, folded them in their case, and put person, I shall yield myself up with perfect cheerthem in his pocket; then having drawn on his fulness and content of heart. When can they do gloves with great nicety, and stared at the foreman this?" all the while, he mechanically followed Mr. Perker "They can issue execution, my dear sir, for the and the blue bag out of court. amount of the damages and taxed costs, next term," They stopped in a side room while Perker paid replied Perker, "just two months hence, my dear the court fees; and here Mr. Pickwick was joined sir." by his friends. Here, too, he encountered Messrs. "Very good," said Mr. Pickwick. "Until that Dodson and Fogg, rubbing their hands with every time, my dear fellow, let me hear no more of the token of outward satisfaction. matter. And now," continued Mr. Pickwick, look"Well, gentlemen," said Mr. Pickwick. ing round on his friends with a good-humored smile, "Well, sir," said Dodson: for self and partner. and a sparkle in the eye which no spectacles could "You imagine you'll get your costs, don't you, dim or conceal, "the only question is, Where shall gentlemen?" said Mr. Pickwick. we go next?" Fogg said they thought it rather probable. Dod- Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass were too much son smiled, and said they'd try. affected by their friend's heroism to offer any reply. "You may try, and try, and try again, Messrs. Mr. Winkle had not yet sufficiently recovered the Dodson and Fogg," said Mr. Pickwick vehemently, recollection of his evidence at the trial, to make any "but not one farthing of costs or damages do you observation on any subject, so Mr. Pickwick paused ever get from me, if I spend the rest of my existence in vain. in a debtor's prison." "Well," said that gentleman, " if you leave me to "Ha, ha!" laughed Dodson. "You'll think better suggest our destination, I say Bath. I think none of that before next term, Mr. Pickwick." of us have ever been there." "He, he, he! We'll soon see about that, Mr. Pick- Nobody had; and as the proposition was warmwick," grinned Fogg. ly seconded by Perker, who considered it extremely Speechless with indignation, Mr. Pickwick allowed probable that if Mr. Pickwick saw a little change himself to be led by his solicitor and friends to the and gayety he would be inclined to think better of door, and there assisted into a hackney-coach, which his determination, and worse of a debtor's prison, it had been fetched for the purpose by the ever-watch- was carried unanimously: and Sam was at once disful Sam Weller. patched to the White Horse Cellar, to take five AN EXCITED INDIVIDUAL. 211 places by the half-past seven o'clock coach next "Buttered toast, mind," said the gentleman, fiercemorning. ly. There were just two places to be had inside, and "D'rectly, sir," replied the waiter. just.three to be had out; so Sam Weller booked for The gentleman with the whiskers hummed a tune them all, and having exchanged a few compliments in the same manner as before, and pending the arwith the booking-office clerk on the subject of a rival of the toast, advanced to the front of the fire, pewter half-crown which was tendered him as a por- and, taking his coat-tails under his arms, looked at tion of his " change," walked back to the George his boots, and ruminated. and Vulture, where he was pretty busily employed "I wonder whereabouts in Bath this coach puts until bed-time in reducing clothes and linen into the up," said Mr. Pickwick, mildly addressing Mr. Winsmallest possible compass, and exerting his mechan- kle. ical genius in constructing a variety of ingenious "Hum-eh-what's that?" said the strange man. devices for keeping the lids on boxes which had nei- "I made an observation to my friend, sir," replied ther locks nor hinges. Mr. Pickwick, always ready to enter into conversaThe next was a very unpropitious morning for a tion. "I wondered at what house the Bath coach journey-muggy, damp, and drizzly. The horses put up. Perhaps you can inform me." in the stages that were going out, and had come " Are you going to Bath?" said the strange man. through the city, were smoking so, that the outside " I am, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick. passengers were invisible. The newspaper-sellers "And those other gentlemen?" looked moist, and smelled moldy; the wet ran off " They are going also," said Mr. Pickwick. the hats of the orange-venders as they thrust their "Not inside-I'll be damned if you're going inheads into the coach-windows, and diluted the insides side," said the strange man. in a refreshing manner. The Jews with the fifty- "Not all of us," said Mr. Pickwick. bladed penknives shut them up in despair; the men "No, not all of you," said the strange man, emwith the pocket-books made pocket-books of them. phatically. " I've taken two places. If they try to Watch-guards and toasting-forks were alike at a dis- squeeze six people into an infernal box that only count, and pencil-cases and sponge were a drug in holds four, I'll take a post-chaise and bring an acthe market. tion. I've paid my fare. It won't do; I told the Leaving Sam Weller to rescue the luggage from clerk when I took my places that it wouldn't do. I the seven or eight porters who flungthemselves sav- know these things have been done. I know they agely upon it, the moment the coach stopped: and are done every day; but I never was done, and I finding that they were about twenty minutes too never will be. Those who know me best, best know early: Mr. Pickwick and his friends went for shelter it; crush me!" Here the fierce gentleman rang the into the travelers' room-the last resource of human bell with great violence, and told the waiter he'd dejection. better bring the toast in five seconds, or he'd know The travelers' room at the White Horse Cellar is the reason why. of course uncomfortable; it would be no travelers' "My good sir," said Mr. Pickwick, "you will alroom if it were not. It is the right-hand parlor, low me to observe that this is a very unnecessary into which an aspiring kitchen fire-place appears to display of excitement. I have only taken places inhave walked, accompanied by a rebellious poker, side for two." tongs, and shovel. It is divided into boxes, for the "I am glad to hear it," said the fierce man. "I solitary confinement of travelers, and is furnished withdraw my expressions. I tender an apology. with a clock, a looking-glass, and a live waiter: There's my card. Give me your acquaintance." which latter article is kept in a small kennel for "With great pleasure, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick. washing glasses in a corner of the apartment. "We are to be fellow-travelers, and I hope we shall One of these boxes was occupied, on this particu- find each other's society mutually agreeable." lar occasion, by a stern-eyed man of about five-and- "I hope we shall," said the fierce gentleman. "I forty, who had a bald and glossy forehead, with a know we shall. I like your looks; they please me. good deal of black hair at the sides and back of his Gentlemen, your hands and names. Know me." head, and large black whiskers. He was buttoned "Of course, an interchange of friendly salutations up to the chin in a brown coat, and had a large seal- followed this gracious speech; and the fierce gentleskin traveling-cap, and a great-coat and cloak, lying man immediately proceeded to inform the friends, on the seat beside him. He looked up from his in the same short, abrupt, jerking sentences, that his breakfast as Mr. Pickwick entered, with a fierce and name was Dowler; that he was going to Bath on peremptory air, which was very dignified; and hav- pleasure: that he was formerly in the army; that ing scrutinized that gentleman and his companions he had now set up in business as a gentleman; that to his entire satisfaction, hummed a tune in a man- he lived upon the profits; and that the individual ner which seemed to say that he rather suspected for whom the second place was taken was a personsomebody wanted to take advantage of him, but it age no less illustrious than Mrs. Dowler, his lady wouldn't do. wife. "Waiter," said the gentleman with the whiskers. "She's a fine woman," said Mr. Dowler. "I am " Sir?" replied a man with a dirty complexion proud of her. I have reason." and a towel of the same, emerging from the kennel "I hope I shall have the pleasure of judging," said before mentioned. Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. " Some more toast." "You shall," replied Dowler. "She shall know "Yes, sir." you. She shall esteem you. I courted her under %12 THE PICKWICK CLUB. singular circumstances. I won her through a rash " Done!" said Mr. Pickwick. "What should be vow. Thus. I saw her; I loved her; I proposed; done?" she refused me.-' You love another?'-' Spare my "Ain't nobody to be whopped for takin' this here blushes.'-'I know him.'-' You do.'-' Very good; if liberty, sir?" said Mr. Weller, who had expected that he remains here, I'll skin him."' at least he would have been commissioned to chal"Lord bless me!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, invol- ledge the guard and coachman to a pugilistic enuntarily. counter on the spot. " Did you skin the gentleman, sir?" inquired Mr. "Certainly not," replied Mr. Pickwick, eagerly; Winkle, with a very pale face. "not on any account. Jump up to your seat directly." "I wrote him a note. I said it was a painful "I'm wery much afeerd," muttered Sam to himthing. And so it was." self, as he turned away, "that somethin' queer's " Certainly," interposed Mr. Winkle. come over the governor, or he'd never ha' stood this "I said I had pledged my word as a gentleman to so quiet. I hope that'ere trial hasn't broke his spirskin him. My character was at stake. I had no al- it, but it looks bad, wery bad." Mr. Weller shook ternative. As an officer in His Majesty's service, I his head gravely; and it is worthy of remark, as an was bound to skin him. I regretted the necessity, illustration of the manner in which he took the cirbut it must be done. He was open to conviction. cumstance to heart, that he did not speak another He saw that the rules of the service were impera- word until the coach reached the Kensington turntive. He fled. I married her. Here's the coach. pike. Which was so long a time for him to remain That's her head." taciturn, that the fact may be considered wholly unAs Mr. Dowler concluded, he pointed to a stage precedented. which had just driven up, from the open window of Nothing worthy of special mention occurred durwhich a rather pretty face in a bright blue bonnet ing the journey. Mr. Dowler related a variety of anwas looking among the crowd on the pavement: ecdotes, all illustrative of his own personal prowess most probably for the rash man himself. Mr. Dow- and desperation, and appealed to Mrs. Dowler in corler paid his bill and hurried out with his traveling- roboration thereof: when Mrs. Dowler invariably cap, coat, and cloak; and Mr. Pickwick and his brought in, in the form of an appendix, some remarkfriends followed to secure their places. able fact or circumstance which Mr. Dowler had forMr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass had seated them- gotten, or had perhaps through modesty omitted: selves at the back part of the coach; Mr. Winkle for the addenda in every instance went to show that had got inside; and Mr. Pickwick was preparing to Mr. Dowler was even a more wonderful fellow than follow him, when Sam Weller came up to his master, he made himself out to be. Mr. Pickwick and Mr. and whispering in his ear, begged to speak to him Winkle listened with great admiration, and at interwith an air of the deepest mystery. vals conversed with Mrs. Dowler, who was a very "Well, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, "what's the mat- agreeable and fascinating person. So, what between ter now?" Mr. Dowler's stories, and Mrs. Dowler's charms, and " Here's rayther a rum go, sir," replied Sam. Mr. Pickwick's good-humor, and Mr. Winkle's good "What?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. listening, the insides contrived to be very compan"This here, sir," rejoined Sam. "I'm wery much ionable all the way. afeerd, sir, that the properiator o' this here coach is The outsides did as outsides always do. They a-playin' some imperence vith us." were very cheerful and talkative at the beginning "How is that, Sam?" said Mr. Pickwick; "aren't of every stage, and very dismal and sleepy in the the names down on the way-bill?" middle, and very bright and wakeful again toward " The names is not only down on the vay-bill, sir," the end. There was one young gentleman in an inreplied Sam, "but they've painted vun on'em up on dia-rubber cloak, who smoked cigars all day; and the door o' the coach." As Sam spoke, he pointed to there was another young gentleman in a parody upon that part of the coach door on which the proprietor's a great-coat, who lighted a good many, and feeling name usually appears; and there, sure enough, in obviously unsettled after the second whiff, threw gilt letters of a goodly size, was the magic name of them away when he thought nobody was looking at PICKWICK! him. There was a third young man on the box who "Dear me," exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, quite stag- wished to be learned in cattle; and an old one begered by the coincidence; "what a very extraordi- hind, who was familiar with farming. There was nary thing!" a constant succession of Christian names in smock"Yes, but that ain't all," said Sam, again directing frocks and white coats, who were invited to have a his master's attention to the coach door; " not content " lift" by the guard, who knew every horse and hostvith writin' up Pickwick, they puts' Moses' afore it, ler on the road and off it; and there was a dinner vich I call addin' insult to injury, as the parrot said which would have been cheap at half a crown a ven they not only took him from his native land, but mouth, if any moderate number of mouths could made him talk the English langwidge arterwards." have eaten it in the time. And at seven o'clock P.M., " It's odd enough certainly, Sam," said Mr. Pick- Mr. Pickwick and his friends, and Mr. Dowler and wick; " but if we stand talking here, we shall lose his wife, respectively retired to their private sittingour places." rooms at the White Hart hotel, opposite the Great "Wot, ain't nothin' to be done in consequence, Pump-room, Bath, where the waiters, from their cossir?" exclaimed Sam, perfectly aghast at the cool- tume, might be mistaken for Westminster boys, only ness with which Mr. Pickwick prepared to ensconce they destroy the illusion by behaving themselves himself inside. much better. MR. PICKWICK AND HIS FRIENDS REGISTER THEIR NAMES. 213 Breakfast had scarcely been cleared away on the Mr. Pickwick acknowledged the compliment which succeeding morning, when a waiter brought in Mr. the supposition implied, but had the self-denial to Dowler's card, with a request to be allowed permis- repudiate it, notwithstanding; and taking advansion to introduce a friend. Mr. Dowler at once fol- tage of a moment's silence on the part of the M.C., lowed up the delivery of the card, by bringing him- begged to introduce his friends, Mr. Tupman, Mr. self and the friend also. Winkle, and Mr Snodgrass. An introduction which The friend was a charming young man of not overwhelmed the M.C. with delight and honor. much more than fifty, dressed in a very bright blue "Bantam," said Mr. Dowler, "Mr. Pickwick and coat with resplendent buttons, black trowsers, and his friends are strangers. They must put their names the thinnest possible pair of highly-polished boots. down. Where's the book?" A gold eyeglass was suspended from his neck by a "The register of the distinguished visitors in short, broad, black ribbon; a gold snuff-box was Ba-ath will be at the Pump-room this morning at lightly clasped in his left hand; gold rings innumer- two o'clock," replied the M.C. " Will you guide our able glittered on his fingers; and a large diamond friends to that splendid building, and enable me to pin set in gold glistened in his shirt-frill. He had a procure their autographs?" gold watch, and a gold curb chain with large gold "I will," rejoined Dowler. "This is a long call. seals; and he carried a pliant ebony cane with a It's time to go. I shall be here again in an hour. heavy gold top. His linen was of the very whitest, Come." finest, and stiffest; his wig of the glossiest, blackest, "This is a ball-night," said the M. C., again taking and curliest. His snuff was princes' mixture; his Mr. Pickwick's hand, as he rose to go. "The ballscent bouquet du roi. His features were contracted nights in Ba-ath are moments snatched from Parinto a perpetual smile; and his teeth were in such adise; rendered bewitching by music, beauty, eleperfect order that it was difficult at a small distance gance, fashion, etiquette, and-and-above all by to tell the real from the false. the absence of trades-people, who are quite inconsist"Mr. Pickwick," said Mr. Dowler; "my friend, ent with Paradise; and who have an amalgamation Angelo Cyrus Bantam, Esquire, M.C. Bantam; Mr. of themselves at the Guildhall every fortnight, which Pickwick. Know each other." is, to say the least, remarkable. Good-bye, good" Welcome to Ba-ath, sir. This is indeed an ac- bye!" and protesting all the way down stairs that he quisition. Most welcometo Ba-ath, sir. It is long was most satisfied, and most delighted, and most -very long, Mr. Pickwick, since you drank the overpowered, and most flattered, Angelo Cyrus Banwaters. It appears an age, Mr. Pickwick. Re- tam, Esquire, M.C., stepped into a very elegant charimarkable!" ot that waited at the door, and rattled off. Such were the expressions with which Angelo At the appointed hour, Mr. Pickwick and his Cyrus Bantam, Esquire, M.C., took Mr. Pickwick's friends, escorted by Dowler, repaired to the Assemhand; retaining it in his, meantime, and shrugging bly-rooms, and wrote their names down in a book. up his shoulders with a constant succession of bows, An instance of condescension at which Angelo Banas if he really could not make up his mind to the tam was even more overpowered than before. Ticktrial of letting it go again. ets of admission to that evening's assembly were to " It is a very long time since I drank the waters, have been prepared for the whole party; but'as they certainly," replied Mr. Pickwick; "for to the best were not ready, Mr. Pickwick undertook, despite all of my knowledge, I was never here before." the protestations to the contrary of Angelo Bantam, " Never in Ba-ath, Mr. Pickwick!" exclaimed the to send Sam for them at four o'clock in the afternoon, Grand Master, letting the hand fall in astonishment. to the M.C.'s house in Queen Square. Having taken "Never in Ba-ath! He! he! Mr. Pickwick, you a short walk through the city, and arrived at the are a wag. Not bad, not bad. Good, good. He! unanimous conclusion that Park Street was very he! he! Re-markable!" much like the perpendicular streets a man sees in a " To my shame, I must say that I am perfectly se- dream, which he can not get up for the life of him, they rious," rejoined Mr. Pickwick. " I really never was returned to the White Hart, and dispatched Sam on here before." the errand to which his master had pledged him. " Oh, I see," exclaimed the Grand Master, looking Sam Weller put on his hat in a very easy and extremely pleased; "yes, yes-good, good-better graceful manner, and thrusting his hands in his and better. You are the gentleman of whom we waistcoat-pockets, walked with great deliberation have heard. Yes; we know you,Mr. Pickwick; we to Queen Square, whistling, as he went along, several know you." of the most popular airs of the day, as arranged with " The reports of the trial in those confounded pa- entirely new movements for that noble instrument pers," thought Mr. Pickwick. "They have heard all the organ, either mouth or barrel. Arriving at the about me." number in Queen Square to which he had been di"You are the gentleman residing on Clapham rected, be left off whistling, and gave a cheerful Green," resumed Bantam, "who lost the use of his knock, which was instantaneously answered by a limbs from imprudently taking cold after port-wine; powdered-headed footman in gorgeous livery, and of who could not be moved in consequence of acute suf- symmetrical stature. fering, and who had the water from the King's Bath "Is this here Mr. Bantam's, old feller?" inquired bottled at one hundred and three degrees, and sent Sam Weller, nothing abashed by the blaze of splenby wagon to his bedroom in town, where he bathed, dor which burst upon his sight, in the person of sneezed, and same day recovered. Very re-mark- the powdered-headed footman with the gorgeous able!" livery. 214 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " Why, young man?" was the haughty inquiry of "Pleasant society, sir," remarked the powderedthe powdered-headed footman. headed footman. "Very agreeable servants, sir." "'Cos if it is, jist you step into him with that'ere "I should think they wos," replied Sam. "Affacard, and say Mr. Veller's a-waitin', will you " said ble, unaffected, say-nothin'-to-nobody sort o' fellers." Sam. And, saying it, he very coolly walked into "Oh, very much so, indeed, sir," said the powderthe hall and sat down. ed-headed footman, taking Sam's remark as a high The powdered-headed footman slammed the door compliment. "Very much so indeed. Do you do very hard, and scowled very grandly; but both the any thing in this way, sir?" inquired the tall footslam and the scowl were lost upon Sam, who was man, producing a small snuff-box with a fox's head regarding a mahogany umbrella-stand with every on the top of it. outward token of critical approval. "Not without sneezing," replied Sam. Apparently, his master's reception of the card had " Why, it is difficult, sir, I confess," said the tall impressed the powdered-headed footman in Sam's fa- footman. "It may be done by degrees, sir. Coffee vor, for when he came back from delivering it, he is the best practice. I carried coffee, sir, for a long smiled in a friendly manner, and said that the an- time. It looks very like rappee, sir." swer would be ready directly. Here a sharp peal at the bell reduced the powderLj HAVING TAKEN A SHORT WALK THROUGH THE OITY. "Werry good," said Sam. "Tell the old gen'lm'n ed-headed footman to the ignominious necessity of not to put himself in a perspiration. No hurry, six- putting the fox's head in his pocket, and hastening foot. I've had my dinner." with a humble countenance to Mr. Bantam's "study." "You dine early, sir," said the powdered-headed By-the-bye, who ever knew a man who never read footman. or wrote either, who hadn't got some small back par" I fin I I gets on better t r at supper wh I I does," lor which he would call a study! replied Sam. "There is the answer, sir," said the powdered" Have you been long in Bath, sir?" inquired the headed footman. " I am afraid you'll find it inconpowdered-headed footman. "I have not had the veniently large." pleasure of hearing of you before." " Don't mention it," said Sam, taking a letter with "I haven't created any wery surprisin' sensation a small inclosure. "It's just possible as exhausted here as yet," rejoined Sam, "for me and the other nature may manage to surwive it." fash'nables only come last night." "I hope we shall meet again, sir," said the pow"Nice place, sir," said the powdered-headed foot- dered-headed footman, rubbing his hands, and folman. lowing Sam out to the door-step. "Seems so," observed Sam. "You are wery obligin', sir," replied Sam. " Now, FASHIONABLE SOCIETY. 215 don't allow yourself to be fatigued beyond your pow- various varieties of puppyism and stupidity; amusers; there's a amiable bein'. Consider what you ing all sensible people near them with their folly owe to society, and don't let yourself be injured by and conceit; and happily thinking themselves the too much work. For the sake o' your feller-creeturs, objects of general admiration. A wise and merciful keep yourself as quiet as you can; only think what dispensation which no good man will quarrel with. a loss you would be!" With these pathetic words, And lastly, seated on some of the back benches, Sam Weller departed. where they had already taken up their positions for "A very singular young man that," said the pow- the evening, were divers unmarried ladies past their dered-headed footman, looking after Mr. Weller with grand climacteric, who, not dancing because there a countenance which clearly showed he could make were no partners for them, and not playing cards nothing of him. lest they should be set down as irretrievably single, Sam said nothing at all. He winked, shook his were in the favorable situation of being able to head, smiled, winked again; and with an expression abuse every body without reflecting on themselves. of countenance which seemed to denote that hewas In short, they could abuse every body, because evgreatly amused with something or other, walked ery body was there. It was a scene of gayety, glitmerrily away. ter, and show; of richly-dressed. people, handsome At precisely twenty minutes before eight o'clock mirrors, chalked floors, girandoles, and wax-candles; that night, Angelo Cyrus Bantam, Esq., the Master and in all parts of the scene, gliding from spot to of the Ceremonies, emerged from his chariot at the spot in silent softness, bowing obsequiously to this door of the Assembly-rooms in the same wig, the party, nodding familiarly to that, and smiling comsame teeth, the same eyeglass, the same watch and placently on all, was the sprucely attired person of seals, the same rings, the same shirt-pin, and the Angelo Cyrus Bantam, Esquire, Master of the Ceresame cane. The only observable alterations in his monies. appearance were, that he wore a brighter blue coat, "Stop in the tea-room. Take your sixpenn'orth. with a white silk lining: black tights, black silk They lay on hot water, and call it tea. Drink it," stockings, and pumps, and a white waistcoat, and said Mr. Dowler, in a loud voice, directing Mr. Pickwas, if possible, just a thought more scented. wick, who advanced at the head of the little party, Thus attired, the Master of the Ceremonies, in with Mrs. Dowler on his arm. Into the tea-room strict discharge of the important duties of his all- Mr. Pickwick turned; and catching sight of him, important office, planted himself in the rooms to re- Mr. Bantam corkscrewed his way through the crowd, ceive the company. and welcomed him with ecstasy. Bath being full, the company and the sixpences "My dear sir, I am highly honored. Ba-ath is for tea, poured in, in shoals. In the ball-room, the favored. Mrs. Dowler, you embellish the rooms. I long card-room, the octagonal card-room, the stair- congratulate you on your feathers. Re-marlable!" cases, and the passages, the hum of many voices, and "Any body here?" inquired Dowler, suspiciously. the sound of many feet, were perfectly bewildering. "Any body! The elite of Ba-ath. Mr. PickDresses rustled, feathers waved, lights shone, and wick, do you see the lady in the gauze turban?" jewels sparkled. There was the music-not of the "The fat old lady?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, innoquadrille band, for it had not yet commenced; but cently. the music of soft tiny footsteps, with now and then "Hush, my dear sir-nobody's fat or old in a clear merry laugh-low and gentle, but very pleas- Ba-ath. That's the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph." ant to hear in a female voice, whether in Bath or "Is it indeed?" said Mr. Pickwick. elsewhere. Brilliant eyes, lighted up with pleasur- "No less a person, I assure you," said the Master able expectation, gleamed from every side; and look of the Ceremonies. "Hush. Draw a little nearer, where you would, some exquisite form glided grace- Mr. Pickwick. You see the splendidly-dressed young fully through the throng, and was no sooner lost, than man coming this way?" it was replaced by another as dainty and bewitching. "The one with the long hair, and the particularly In the tea-room, and hovering round the card-ta- small forehead?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. bles, were a vast number of queer old ladies and de- "The same. The richest young man in Ba-ath crepit old gentlemen, discussing all the small-talk at this moment. Young Lord Mutanhed." and scandal of the day, with a relish and gusto "You don't say so?" said Mr. Pickwick. which sufficiently bespoke the intensity of the pleas- "Yes. You'll hear his voice in a moment, Mr. ure they derived from the occupation. Mingled Pickwick. He'll speak to me. The other gentlewith these groups, were three or four match-making man with him, in the red under-waistcoat and dark mammas, appearing to be wholly absorbed by the mustache, is the honorable Mr. Crushton, his bosom conversation in which they were taking part, but friend. How do you do, my lord?" failing not from time to time to cast an anxious side- "Veway hot, Bantam," said his lordship. long glance upon their daughters, who, remembering " It is very warm, my lord," replied the M.C. the maternal injunction to make the best use of their "Confounded," assented the Honorable Mr. Crushyouth, had already commenced incipient flirtations ton. in the mislaying of scarfs, putting on gloves, setting "Have you seen his lordship's mail-cart, Bantam?" down cups, and-so forth; slight matters apparently, inquired the honorable Mr. Crushton, after a short but which may be turned to surprisingly good ac- pause, during which young Lord Mutanhed had been count by expert practitioners. endeavoring to stare Mr. Pickwick out of counteLounging near the doors, and in remote corners, nance, and Mr. Crushton had been reflecting what were various knots of silly young men, displaying subject his lordship could talk about best. 216 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Dear me, no," replied the M.C. "A mail-cart! "Lord Mutanhed has been introduced to me. I said What an excellent idea. Re-markable!" I thought I wasn't engaged, ma." " Gwacious heavens!" said his lordship, " I thought " You're a sweet pet, my love," replied Mrs. Colonel evewebody had seen the new mail-cart; it's the Wugsby, tapping her daughter's cheek with her fan, neatest, pwettiest, gwacefullest thing that ever wan "and are always to be trusted. He's immensely upon wheels. Painted wed, with a cweam pie- rich, my dear. Bless you!" With these words Mrs. bald." Colonel Wugsby kissed her eldest daughter most "With a real box for the letters, and all com- affectionately, and, frowning in a warning manner plete," said the Honorable Mr. Crushton. upon the other, sorted her cards. "And a little seat in fwont, with an iwon wail, Poor Mr. Pickwick! he had never played with for the dwiver," added his lordship. "I dwove it three thorough-paced female card-players before. over to Bwistol the other morning, in a cwimson They were so desperately sharp, that they quite coat, with two servants widing a quarter of a mile frightened him. If he played a wrong card, Miss behind; and confound me if the people didn't wush Bolo looked a small armory of daggers; if he stopout of their cottages, and awest my pwogwess, to ped to consider which was the right one, Lady know if I wasn't the post. Glorwious, glorwious!" Snuphanuph would throw herself back in her chair, At this anecdote his lordship laughed very, heart- and smile with a mingled glance of impatience and ily, as did the listeners, of course. Then, drawing pity to Mrs. Colonel Wugsby: at which Mrs. Colonel his arm through that of the obsequious Mr. Crush- Wugsby would shrug up her shoulders, and cough, ton, Lord Mutanhed walked away. as much as to say she wondered whether he ever "Delightful young man, his lordship," said the would begin. Then, at the end of every hand, Miss Master of the Ceremonies. Bolo would inquire with a dismal countenance and " So I should think," rejoined Mr. Pickwick, dryly. reproachful sigh, why Mr. Pickwick had not returnThe dancing having commenced, the necessary in- ed that diamond, or led the club, or roughed the troductions having been made, and all preliminaries spade, or finessed the heart, or led through the honarranged, Angelo Bantam rejoined Mr. Pickwick, and or, or brought out the ace, or played up to the king, led him into the card-room. or some such thing; and in reply to all these grave Just at the very moment of their entrance, the charges, Mr. Pickwick would be wholly unable to Dowager Lady Snuphanuph and two other ladies plead any justification whatever, having by this of an ancient and whist-like appearance, were hov- time forgotten all about the game. People came ering over an unoccupied card-table; and they no and looked on, too, which made Mr. Pickwick nervsooner set eyes upon Mr. Pickwiek under the convoy ous. Besides all this, there was a great deal of disof Angelo Bantam, than they exchanged glances tracting conversation near the table between Angelo with each other, seeing that he was precisely the Bantam and the two Miss Matinters, who, being sinvery person they wanted, to make up the rubber. gle and singular, paid great court to the Master of " My dear Bantam," said the Dowager Lady the Ceremonies, in the hope of getting a stray partSnuphanuph, coaxingly, "find us some nice creature ner now and then. All these things, combined with to make up this table; there's a good soul." Mr. the noises and interruptions of constant comings in Pickwick happened to be looking another way at and goings out, made Mr. Pickwick play rather badthe moment, so'her ladyship nodded- her head to- ly; the cards were against him, also; and when they ward him, and frowned expressively. left off at ten minutes past eleven, Miss Bolo rose "My friend Mr. PickWick, my lady, will be most from the table considerably agitated, and went happy, I am sure, re-markably so," said the M.C., straight home, in a flood of tears, rnd a sedan-chair. taking the hint. "Mr. Pickwick, Lady Snuphanuph Being joined by his friends, who one and all pro-Mrs. Colonel Wugsby-Miss Bolo." tested that they had scarcely ever spent a more Mr. Pickwick bowed to each of the ladies, and, pleasant evening, Mr. Pickwick accompanied them finding escape impossible, cut. Mr. Pickwick and to the White Hart, and having soothed his feelings Miss Bolo against Lady Snuphanuph and Mrs. Col- with something hot, went to bed, and to sleep, almost onel Wugsby. simultaneously. As the trump card was turned up, at the commencement of the second deal, two young ladies hurried into the room, and took their stations on CHAPTER XXXVI. either side of Mrs. Colonel Wugsby's chair, where THE CHIEF FEATURES OF WHICH, WILL BE FOUND TO they waited patiently until the hand was over. E A AUTHENTIC VERSION OF THE LEGEND OF said Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, turning BE AN AUTHENTIC VERSION OF THE LEGEND OF Now, Jane," aid Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, turning PRINCE BLADUD, AND A MOST EXTRAORDINARY CAto one of the girls," what is it?"INKLE. "I came to ask, ma, whether I might dance with LAMITY THAT BEFELL MR. WINKLE. the youngest Mr. Crawley," whispered the prettier S Mr. Pickwick contemplated a stay of at least and younger of the two. - two months in Bath, he deemed it advisable to "Good God, Jane, how can you think of such take private lodgings for himself and friends for things?" replied the mamma, indignantly. " Haven't that period; and as a favorable opportunity offered you repeatedly heard that his father has only eight for their securing, on moderate terms, the upper porhundred a year, which dies with him? I am ashamed tion of a house in the Royal Crescent, which was of you. Not on any account." larger than they required, Mr. and Mrs. Dowler of"Ma," whispered the other, who was much older fered to relieve them of a bedroom and sitting-room. than her sister, and very insipid and artificial, This proposition was at once accepted, and in three THE MIGHTY FAMILY OF LUD. 217 days' time they were all located in their new abode, wanted nothing more, Mr. Pickwick, I would go to when Mr. Pickwick began to drink the waters with bed." the utmost assiduity. Mr. Pickwick took them sys- By all means, ma'am," replied Mr. Pickwick. tematically. He drank a quarter of a pint before "Wish you good-night, sir," said Mrs. Craddock. breakfast, and then walked up a hill; and another "Good-night, ma'am," rejoined Mr. Pickwick. quarter of a pint after breakfast, and then walked Mrs. Craddock closed the door, and Mr. Pickwick down a hill; and after every fresh quarter of a pint, resumed his writing. Mr. Pickwick declared, in the most solemn and em- In half an hour's time the entries were concluded. phatic terms, that he felt a great deal better: where- Mr. Pickwick carefully rubbed the last page on the at his friends were very much delighted, though blotting-paper, shut up the book, wiped his pen on they had not been previously aware that there was the bottom of the inside of his coat-tail, and opened aay thing the matter with him. the drawer of the inkstand to put it carefully away. The great pump-room is a spacious saloon, orna- There were a couple of sheets of writing-paper, pretmented with Corinthian pillars, and a music gallery, ty closely written over, in the inkstand drawer, and and a Tompion clock, and a statue of Nash, and a they were folded so, that the title, which was in a golden inscription, to which all the water-drinkers good round hand, was fully disclosed to him. Seeshould attend, for it appeals to them in the cause of ing from this that it was no private document: and a deserving charity. There is a large bar with a as it seemed to relate to Bath, and was very short: marble vase, out of which the pumper gets the wa- Mr. Pickwick unfolded it, lighted his bedroom candle ter; and there are a number of yellow-looking tum- that it might burn up well by the time he finished; blers, out of which the company get it; and it is a and drawing his chair nearer the fire, read as follows: most edifying and satisfactory sight to behold the perseverance and gravity with which they swallow THE TRUE LEGEND OF PRINCE BLADUD. it. There are baths near at hand, in which a part "Less than two hundred years agone, on one of of the company wash themselves; and a band plays the public baths in this city, there appeared an inafterward, to congratulate the remainder on their scription in honor of its mighty founder, the rehaving done so. There is another pump-room, into nowned Prince Bladud. That inscription is now which infirm ladies and gentlemen are wheeled, in erased. such an astonishing variety of chairs and chaises, "For many hundred years before that time, there that any adventurous individual who goes in with had been handed down, from age to age, an old lethe regular number of toes is in imminent danger gend, that the illustrious Prince being afflicted with of coming out without them; and there is a third, leprosy, on his return from reaping a rich harvest of into which the quiet people go, for it is less noisy knowledge in Athens, shunned the court of his royal than either. There is an immensity of promenading, father, and consorted moodily with husbandmen and on crutches and off, with sticks and without, and a pigs. Among the herd (so said the legend) was a great deal of conversation, and liveliness and pleas- pig of grave and solemn countenance, with whom antry. the Prince had a fellow-feeling-for he too was wise Every morning, the regular water-drinkers, Mr. -a pig of thoughtful and reserved demeanor; an Pickwick among the number, met each other in the animal superior to his fellows, whose grunt was terpump-room, took their quarter of a pint, and walked rible, and whose bite was sharp. The young Prince constitutionally. At the afternoon's promenade, sighed deeply as he looked upon the countenance of Lord Mutanhed, and the Honorable Mr. Crushton, the majestic swine; he thought of his royal father, the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph, Mrs. Colonel Wugs- and his eyes were bedewed with tears. by, and all the great people, and all the morning "This sagacious pig was fond of bathing in rich, water-drinkers, met in grandassemblage. After this, moist mud. Not in summer, as common pigs do, they walked out, or drove out, or were pushed out now, to cool themselves, and did even in those disin bath chairs, and met one another again. After taut ages (which is a proof that the light of civilizathis, the gentlemen went to the reading-rooms and tion had already begun to dawn, though feebly), but met divisions of the mass. After this, they went in the cold sharp days of winter. His coat was ever home. If it were theatre night, perhaps they met so sleek, and his complexion so clear, that the Prince at the theatre; if it were assembly night, they met resolved to essay the purifying qualities of the same at the rooms; and if it were neither, they met the water that his friend resorted to. He made the trinext day. A very pleasant routine, with perhaps a al. Beneath that black mud bubbled the hot springs slight tinge of sameness. of Bath. He washed, and was cured. Hastening to Mr. Pickwick was sitting up by himself, after a his father's court, he paid his best respects, and reday spent in this manner, making entries in his jour- turning quickly hither, founded this city, and its fanal: his friends having retired to bed: when he was mous baths. roused by a gentle tap at the room door. " He sought the pig with all the ardor of their " Beg your pardon, sir," said Mrs. Craddock, the early friendship-but, alas! the waters had been his landlady, peeping in; "but did you want any thing death. He had imprudently taken a bath at too more, sir?" high a temperature, and the natural philosopher was "Nothing more, ma'am," replied Mr. Pickwick. no more! He was succeeded by Pliny, who also fell "My young girl is gone to bed, sir," said Mrs. a victim to his thirst for knowledge. Craddock; " and Mr. Dowler is good enough to say "This was the legend. Listen to the true one. that he'll sit up for Mrs. Dowler, as the party isn't "A great many centuries since, there flourished, expected to be over till late, so I was thinking if you in great state, the famous and renowned Lud Hudi 218 THE PICK WICK CLUB. bras, king of Britain. He was a mighty monarch. cing, there was one individual present, who tasted The earth shook when he walked: he was so very not when the sparkling wines were poured forth, stout. His people basked in the light of his counte- and who danced not when the minstrels played. nance: it was so red and glowing. He was, indeed, This was no other than Prince Bladud himself, in every inch a king. And there were a good many honor of whose happiness a whole people were at inches of him too, for although he was not very tall, that very moment straining alike their throats and he was a remarkable size round, and the inches that purse-strings. The truth was, that the Prince, forhe wanted in height, he made up in circumference. getting the undoubted right of the minister for If any degenerate monarch of modern times could be foreign affairs to fall in love on his behalf, had, conin any way compared with him, I should say the ven- trary to every precedent of policy and diplomacy, erable King Cole would be that illustrious potentate. already fallen in love on his own account, and " This good king had a queen, who eighteen years privately contracted himself unto the fair daugher before, had had a son, who was called Bladud. He of a noble Athenian. was sent to a preparatory seminary in his father's "Here we have a striking example of one of the dominions until he was ten years old, and was then manifold advantages of civilization and refinement. dispatched in charge of a trusty messenger, to a If the Prince had lived in later days, he might at finishing school at Athens; and as there was no ex- once have married the object of his father's choice, tra charge for remaining during the holidays, and and then set himself seriously to work to relieve no notice required previous to the removal of a pupil, himself of the burden which rested heavily upon there he remained for eight long years, at the expira- him. He might have endeavored to break her heart tion of which time, the king his father sent the Lord by a systematic course of insult and neglect; or if Chamberlain over to settle the bill, and to bring him the spirit of her sex, and a proud consciousness of home: which, the Lord Chamberlain doing, was re- her many wrongs had upheld her under this ill treatceived with shouts, and pensioned immediately. ment, he might have sought to take her life, and so "When King Lud saw the Prince his son, and get rid of her effectually. But neither mode of refound he had grown up such a fine young man, he lief suggested itself to Prince Bladud; so he solicitperceived at once what a grand thing it would be to ed a private audience, and told his father. have him married without delay, so that his children "It is an old prerogative of kings to govern evmight be the means of perpetuating the glorious race ery thing but their passions. King Lud flew into a of Lud, down to the very latest ages of the world. frightful rage, tossed his crown up to the ceiling, With this view, he sent a special embassy, composed and caught it again-for in those days kings kept of great noblemen who had nothing particular to do, their crowns on their heads, and not in the Towerand wanted lucrative employment, to a neighboring stamped the ground, rapped his forehead, wondered king, and demanded his fair daughter in marriage why his own flesh and blood rebelled against him, for his son: stating at the same time that he was and finally, calling in his guards, ordered the Prince anxious to be on the most affectionate terms with away to instant confinement in a lofty turret; a his brother and friend, but that if they couldn't course of treatment which the kings of old very agree in arranging this marriage, he should be under generally pursued toward their sons, when their matthe unpleasant necessity of invading his kingdom, rimonial inclinations did not happen to point to the and putting his eyes out. To this, the other king same quarter as their own. (who was the weaker of the two) replied, that he "-When Prince Bladud had been shut up in the was very much obliged to his friend and brother lofty turret for the greater part of a year, with no for all his goodness and magnanimity, and that his better prospect before his bodily eyes than a stone daughter was quite ready to be married, whenever wall, or before his mental vision than prolonged imPrince Bladud liked to come and fetch her. prisonment, he naturally began to ruminate on a " This answer no sooner reached Britain, than the plan of escape, which, after months of preparation, whole nation were transported with joy. Nothing he managed to accomplish; considerately leaving was heard, on all sides, but the sounds of feasting his dinner-knife in the heart of his jailer, lest the and revelry-except the chinking of money as it poor fellow (who had a family) should be considered was paid in by the people to the collector of the privy to his flight and punished accordingly by the Royal Treasures, to defray the expenses of the hap- infuriated king. py ceremony. It was upon this occasion that King "The monarch was frantic at the loss of his son. Lud, seated on the top of his throne in full council, He knew not on whom to vent his grief and wrath, rose, in the exuberance of his feelings, and command- until, fortunately bethinking himself of the Lord ed the Lord Chief-justice to order in the richest Chamberlain who had brought him home, he struck wines and the court minstrels: an act of gracious- off his pension and his head together. ness which has been, through the ignorance of tra- "Meanwhile, the young Prince, effectually disditionary historians, attributed to King Cole, in those guised, wandered on foot through his father's docelebrated lines in which his majesty is represented minions, cheered and supported in all his hardships as by sweet thoughts of the Athenian maid, who was Calling for his pipe, and calling for his pot, the innocent cause of his weary trials. One day he And calling for his fiddlers three. stopped to rest in a country village; and seeing that Which is an obvious injustice to the memory of King there were gay dances going forward on the green, Lud, and a dishonest exaltation of the virtues of and gay faces passing to and fro, ventured to inquire King Cole. of a reveler who stood near him, the reason for this "But, in the midst of all this festivity and rejoi- rejoicing. A COPIOUS FLOOD OF TEARS. 219 "'Know you not, oh stranger,' was the reply,' of He stopped at Mr. Dowler's door, according to custhe recent proclamation of our gracious king?' tom, and knocked to say good-night. "'Proclamation! No. What proclamation?' re- "Ah!" said Dowler, "going to bed? I wish I joined the Prince-for he had traveled along the by was. Dismal night. Windy; isn't it?" and little-frequented ways, and knew nothing of "Very," said Mr. Pickwick. "Good-night." what had passed upon the public roads, sugh as they "Good-night." were. Mr. Pickwick went to his bed-chamber, and Mr.''Why,' replied the peasant, the foreign lady that Dowler resumed his seat before the fire, in fulfillour Prince wished to wed, is married to a foreign ment of his rash promise to sit up till his wife came noble of her own country; and the king proclaims home. the fact, and a great public festival besides; for There are few things more worrying than sitting now, of course, Prince Bladud will come back and up for somebody, especially if that somebody be at marry the lady his father chose, who they say is as a party. You can not help thinking how quickly beautiful as the noonday sun. Your health, sir. the time passes with them, which drags so heavily God save the King!' with you; and the more you think of this, the more "The Prince remained to hear no more. He fled your hopes of their speedy arrival decline. Clocks from the spot, and plunged into the thickest recesses tick so loud, too, when you are sitting up alone, and of a neighboring wood. On, on he wandered, night you seem as if you had an under-garment of cobwebs and day: beneath the blazing sun, and the cold pale on. First, something tickles your right knee, and moon: through the dry heat of noon, and the damp then the same sensation irritates your left. You cold of night: in the gray light of morn, and the red have no sooner changed your position, than it comes glare of eve. So heedless was he of time or object, again in the arms; when you have fidgeted your that being bound for Athens, he wandered as far out limbs into all sorts of odd shapes, you have a sudof his way as Bath. den relapse in the nose, which you rub as if to rub "There was no city where Bath stands, then. it off-as there is no doubt you would if you could. There was no vestige of human habitation, or sign Eyes, too, are mere personal inconveniences; and the of man's resort, to bear the name; but there was the wick of one candle gets an inch and a half long, same noble country, the same broad expanse of hill while you are snuffing the other. These, and variand dale, the same beautiful channel stealing on, ous other little nervous annoyances, render sitting far away; the same lofty mountains which, like the Up for a length of time after every body else has troubles of life, viewed at a distance, and partially gone to bed, any thing but a cheerful amusement. obscured by the bright mist of its morning, lose their This was just Mr. Dowler's opinion, as he sat beruggedness and asperity, and seem all ease and soft- fore the fire, and felt honestly indignant with all the ness. Moved by the gentle beauty of the scene, the inhuman people at the party who were keeping him Prince sank upon the green turf, and bathed his up. He was not put into better humor either, by swollen feet in his tears. the reflection that he had taken it into his head, ear"'Oh!' said the unhappy Bladud, clasping his ly in the evening, to think he had got an ache there, hands, and mournfully raising his eyes toward the and so stopped at home. At length, after several sky,'would that my wanderings might end here! droppings asleep, and failings forward toward the Would that these grateful tears with which I now bars, and catchings backward soon enough to premourn hope misplaced, and love despised, might flow vent being branded in the face, Mr. Dowler made up in peace forever!' his mind that he would throw himself on the bed in " The wish was heard. It was in the time of the the back-room and think-not sleep, of course. heathen deities, who used occasionally to take peo- "I'm a heavy sleeper," said Mr. Dowler, as he pie at their words, with a promptness, in some cases, flung himself on the bed. " I must keep awake. I extremely awkward. The ground opened beneath suppose I shall hear a knock here. Yes. I thought the Prince's feet; he sunk into the chasm; and in- so. I can hear the watchman. There he goes. stantaneously it closed upon his head forever, save Fainter now, though. A little fainter. He's turnwhere his hot tears welled up through the earth, and ing the corner. Ah!" When Mr. Dowler arrived where they have continued to gush forth ever since, at this point, he turned the corner at which he had " It is observable that, to this day, large numbers been long hesitating, and fell fast asleep. of elderly ladies and gentlemen who have been dis- Just as the clock struck three, there was blown appointed in procuring partners, and almost as many into the Crescent a sedan-chair with Mrs. Dowler inyoung ones who are anxious to obtain them, repair, side, borne by one short fat chairman, and one long annually, to Bath to drink the waters, from which thin one, who had had much ado to keep their bodies they derive much strength and comfort. This is perpendicular: to say nothing of the chair. But on most complimentary to the virtue of Prince Bladud's that high ground, and in the Crescent, which the tears, and strongly corroborative of the veracity of wind swept round and round as if it were going to this legend." tear the paving-stones up, its fury was tremendous. They were very glad to set the chair down, and Mr. Pickwick yawned several times, when he had give a good round loud double-knock at the street arrived at the end of this little manuscript: careful- door. ly refolded, and replaced it in the inkstand drawer: They waited some time, but nobody came. and then, with a countenance expressive of the ut- " Servants is in the arms o' Porpus, I think," said most weariness, lighted his chamber candle, and went the short chairman, warming his hands at the atup stairs to bed. tendant link-boy's torch. 220 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "I wish he'd give'em a squeeze and wake'em," and kept on perpetually knocking double-knocks of observed the long one. two loud knocks each, like an insane postman. "Knock again, will you, if you please," cried Mrs. At length Mr. Winkle began to dream that he was Dowler from the chair. " Knock two or three times, at a club, and that the members being very refracif you please." tory, the chairman was obliged to hammer the table The short man was quite willing to get the job a good deal to preserve order; then he had a conover as soon as possible; so he stood on the step, fused notion of an auction-room where there were and gave four or five most startling double-knocks, no bidders, and the auctioneer was buying every of eight or ten knocks apiece: while the long man thing in; and ultimately he began to think it just went into the road, and looked up at the windows within the bounds of possibility that somebody for a light. might be knocking at the street door. To make Nobody came. It was all as silent and dark as quite certain, however, he remained quiet in bed for ever. ten minutes or so, and listened; and when he had'i if It fit i I I i I I I I I 1~~ 1H H Jt111, Ii J I Opm~. Pi lp I PAOKED UP A FEW NECESSARIES READY FOR FLIGHT. "Dear me!" said Mrs. Dowler. " You must knock counted two or three and thirty knocks, he felt quite again, if you please." satisfied, and gave himself a great deal of credit for "There ain't a bell, is there, mia'am?" said the being so wakeful. short chairman. * "Rap rap- rap rap-rap rap-ra, ra, ra, ra, ra, "Yes, there is," interposed the link-boy, "I've rap!" went the knocker. been a-ringing at it ever so long." Mr. Winkle jumped out of bed, wondering very " It's only a handle," said Mrs. Dowler; " the wire's much what could possibly be the matter, and hastily broken." putting on his stockings and slippers, folded his "I wis the servants' heads wos," growled the dressing-gown round him, lighted a flat candle from long man. the rush-light that was burning in the fire-place, " I must trouble you to knock again, if you please," and hurried down stairs. said Mrs. Dowler, with the utmost politeness. "Here's somebody comin' at last, ma'am," said the The short man (lid knock again several times, short chairman. without producing the smallest effect. The tall "I wish I wos behind him vith a brad-awl," mutman, growing very impatient, then relieved him, tered the long one. ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE DOOR. 221 "Who's there?" cried Mr. Winkle, undoing the ing from the shrieking landlady, and from Mr. Pickchain. wick, the indignant husband seized a small supper" Don't stop to ask questions, cast-iron head," re- knife, and tore into the street. plied the long man, with great disgust, taking it for But Mr. Winkle didn't wait for him. He no soongranted that the inquirer was a footman; " but open er heard the horrible threat of the valorous Dowler, the door." than he bounced out of the sedan, quite as quickly " Come, look sharp, timber eyelids," added the oth- as he had bounced in, and throwing off his slippers er, encouragingly. into the road, took to his heels and tore round the Mr. Winkle, being half asleep, obeyed the com- Crescent, hotly pursued by Dowler and the watchmand mechanically, opened the door a little, and man. He kept ahead; the door was open as he came peeped out. The first thing he saw was the red round the second time; he rushed in, slammed it in glare of the link-boy's torch. Startled by the sud- Dowler's face, mounted to his bedroom, locked the den fear that the house might be on fire, he hastily door, piled a wash-hand stand, chest of drawers, and threw the door wide open, and holding the candle table against it, and packed up a few necessaries above his head, stared eagerly before him, not quite ready for flight with the first ray of morning. certain whether what he saw was a sedan-chair or Dowler came up to the outside of the door; avowa fire-engine. At this instant there came a violent ed, through the key-hole, his steadfast determination gust of wind; the light was blown out; Mr. Winkle of cutting Mr. Winkle's throat next day; and, after felt himself irresistibly impelled on to the steps; and a great confusion of voices in the drawing-room, the door blew to with a loud crash. amidst which that of Mr. Pickwick was distinctly "Well, young man, now you have done it!" said heard endeavoring to make peace, the inmates disthe short chairman. persed to their several bed-chambers, and all was Mr. Winkle, catching sight of a lady's face at the quiet once more. window of the sedan, turned hastily round, plied the It is not unlikely that the inquiry may be made, knocker with all his might and main, and called where Mr. Weller was all:this time? We will state frantically upon the chairman to take the chair where he was in the next chapter. away again. "Take it away, take it away," cried Mr. Winkle. --- "Here's somebody coming out of another house; put me into the chair. Hide me! Do something CHAPTER XXXVII. with me!" HONORABLY ACCOUNTS FOR MR. WELLER'S ABSENCE, All this time he was shivering with cold; and evBY DESCRIBING A SOIREE TO WHICH HE WAS INery time he raised his hand to the knocker, the wind HE W took the dressing-gown in a most unpleasant man- ITED ND WEN T; ALSO RELATES HOW HE WAT INTRUSTED BY MR. PICKWICK WITH A PRIVATE ner. MISSION OF DELICACY AND IMPORTANCE. "The people are coming down the Crescent now. There are ladies with'em; cover me up with some- "/[R. WELLER," said Mrs. Craddock, upon the thing. Stand before me!" roared Mr. Winkle. But LL morning of this very eventful day, "here's a the chairmen were too much exhausted with laughing letter for you." to afford him the slightest assistance, and the ladies "Wery odd that," said Sam, "I'm afeerd there were every moment approaching nearer and nearer. must be somethin' the matter, for I don't recollect Mr. Winkle gave a last hopeless knock; the ladies any gen'l'm'n in my circle of acquaintance as is cawere only a few doors off. He threw away the ex- pable o' writin' one." tinguished candle, Which, all this time, he had held "Perhaps something uncommon has taken place," above his head, and fairly bolted into the sedan- observed Mrs. Craddock. chair where Mrs. Dowler was. " It must be somethin' wery uncommon indeed, as Now, Mrs. Craddock had heard the knocking and could produce a letter out o' any friend o' mine," rethe voices at last; and, only waiting to put some- plied Sam, shaking his head dubiously; "nothin' thing smarter on her head than her night-cap, ran less than a nat'ral conwulsion, as the young gen'l'm'n down into the front drawing-room to make sure that observed ven he wos took with fits. It can't be from it was the right party. Throwing up the window- the gov'ner," said Sam, looking at the direction. sash as Mr. Winkle was rushing into the chair, she "He always prints, I know,'cos he learnt writin' no sooner caught sight of what was going forward from the large bills in the bookin' offices. It's a below, than she raised a vehement and dismal shriek, wery strange thing now, where this here letter can and implored Mr. Dowler to get up directly, for his ha' come from." * wife was running away with another gentleman. As Sam said this, he did what a great many peoUpon this, Mr. Dowler bounced off the bed as ab- pie do when they are uncertain about the writer of ruptly as an India-rubber ball, and rushing into the a note-looked at the seal, and then at the front, front room, arrived at one window just as Mr. Pick- and then at the back, and then at the sides, and then wick threw up the other: when the first object that at the superscription; and, as a last resource thought met the gaze of both was Mr. Winkle bolting into perhaps he might as well look at the inside, and try the sedan-chair. to find out from that. "Watchman," shouted Dowler furiously; "stop "It's wrote on gilt-edged paper," said Sam, as he him-hold him-keep him tight-shut him in, till I unfolded it, " and sealed in bronze vax vith the top come down. I'll cut his throat-give me a knife- of a door-key. Now for it." And, with a very grave from ear to ear, Mrs. Craddock-I will!" And break- face, Mr. Weller slowly read as follows: 222 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "A select company of the Bath footmen presents Mr. John Smauker looked deeply indignant at any their compliments to Mr. Weller, and requests the parallel being drawn between himself and the depleasure of his company this evening to a friendly ceased gentleman in question; but as Sam's face swarry, consisting of a boiled leg of mutton with the was in the most immovable state of calmness, he usual trimmings. The swarry to be on table at half- thought better of it, and looked affable again. past nine o'clock punctually." "Perhaps we had better be walking," said Mr. This was inclosed in another note, which ran thus: Smauker, consulting a copper time - piece which dwelt at the bottom of a deep watch-pocket, and "Mr. John Smauker, the gentleman who had the was raised tothe surface by means of a black string, pleasure of meeting Mr. Weller at the house of their with a copper key at the other end. mutual acquaintance, Mr. Bantam, a few days since, P'raps we had," replied Sam, "or they'll overdo begs to inclose Mr. Weller the herewith invitation. th warry, and that'll spile it." If Mr. Weller will call on Mr. John Smauker at nine Have you drank the waers, Mr. Weller in"Have you drank the waters, Mr. Weller?" ino'clock, Mr. John Smauker will have the pleasure ofquired his companion, as they walked toward High introducing Mr. Weller. Street. (Signed) "JOHN SMAUKER." "Once," replied Sam. The envelope was directed to blank Weller, Esq., "What did you think of'em, sir?" at Mr. Pickwick's; and in a parenthesis, in the left- "I thought they wos particklery unpleasant," rehand corner, were the words " airy bell," as an in- plied Sam. struction to the bearer. "Ah," said Mr. John Smauker, "you disliked the "Vell," said Sam, "this is comin' it rayther pow- killibeate taste, perhaps?" erful, this is. I never heerd a biled leg o' mutton "I don't know much about that'ere," said Sam. called a swarry afore. I wonder wot they'd call a "I thought they'd a wery strong flavor o' warm flatroast one." irons." However, without waiting to debate the point, "That is the killibeate, Mr. Weller," observed Mr. Sam at once betook himself into the presence of Mr. John Smauker, contemptuously. Pickwick, and requested leave of absence for that " Well, if it is, it's a wery inexpressive word, that's evening, which was readily granted. With this per- all," said Sam. " It may be, but I ain't much in the mission, and the street-door key, Sam Weller issued chimical line myself, so I can't say." And here, to forth a little before the appointed time, and strolled the great horror of Mr. John Smauker, Sam Weller leisurely toward Queen Square, which he no sooner began to whistle. gained than he had the satisfaction of beholding Mr. "I beg your pardon, Mr. Weller," said Mr. John John Smauker leaning his powdered head against a Smauker, agonized at the exceedingly ungenteel lamp-post at a short distance off, smoking a cigar sound. "Will you take my arm?" through an amber tube. " Thankee, you're wery good, but I won't deprive " How do you do, Mr. Weller?" said Mr. John you of it," replied Sam. " I've rayther a way o' putSmauker, raising his hat gracefully with one hand, tin' my hands in my pockets, if it's all the same to while he gently waved the other in a condescending you." As Sam said this, he suited the action to the manner. " How do you do, sir?" word, and whistled far louder than before. "Why, reasonably conwalessent," replied Sam. "This way," said his new friend, apparently much " How do you find yourself, my dear feller?" relieved as they turned down a by-street; " we shall " Only so so," said Mr. John Smauker. soon be there." "Ah, you've been a-workin' too hard," observed " Shall we?" said Sam, quite unmoved by the anSam. "I was fearful you would; it won't do, you nouncement of his close vicinity to the select footknow; you must not give way to that'ere uncom- men of Bath. prdmisin' spirit o' your'n." "Yes," said Mr. John Smauker. "Don't be alarm" It's not so much that, Mr. Weller," replied Mr. ed, Mr. Weller." John Smauker, "as bad wine; I'm afraid I've been "Oh no," said Sam. dissipating." "You'll see some very handsome uniforms, Mr. "Oh! that's it, is it?" said Sam; "that's a wery Weller," continued Mr. John Smauker; "and perbad complaint, that." haps you'll find some of the gentlemen rather high "And yet the temptation, you see, Mr. Weller," at first, you know, but they'll soon come round." observed Mr. John Smauker. "That's wery kind on'em," replied Sam. "Ah, to be sure," said Sam. "And you know," resumed Mr. John Smauker, "Plunged into the very vortex of society, you with an air of sublime protection; "you know, as know, Mr. Weller," said Mr. John Smauker with a you're a stranger, perhaps they'll be rather hard upon sigh. you at first." "Dreadful indeed!" rejoined Sam. "They won't be wery cruel, though, will they?" " But it's always the way," said Mr. John Smauker; inquired Sam. "if your destiny leads you into public life and public "No, no," replied Mr. John Smauker, pulling forth station) you must expect to be subjected to tempta- the fox's head, and taking a gentlemanly pinch. tions which other people is free from, Mr. Weller." "There are some funny dogs among us, and they "Precisely what my uncle said, ven he vent into will have their joke, you know; but you mustn't the public line," remarked Sam, "and wery right mind'em, you mustn't mind'em." the old gen'l'm'n wos, for he drank hiscelf to death " I'll try and bear up agin such a reg'lar knockin somethin' less than a quarter." down o' talent," replied Sam. MR. WELLER IS PRESENTED. 223 "That's right," said Mr. John Smauker, putting sonal allusion to Mr. Tuckle's crimson livery, that up the fox's head, and elevating his own; " I'll stand gentleman looked majestic for a few seconds, but by you." gradually edging away from the fire, broke into a By this time they had reached a small green-gro- forced smile, and said it wasn't bad. cer's shop, which Mr. John Smauker entered, follow- "Wery much obliged for your good opinion, sir," ed by Sam: who, the moment he got behind him, re- replied Sam. " We shall get on by degrees, I des-say. lapsed into a series of the very broadest and most We'll try a better one, by-and-by." unmitigated grins, and manifested other demonstra- At this point the conversation was interrupted by tions of being in a highly enviable state of inward the arrival of a gentleman in orange-colored plush, merriment. accompanied by another selection in purple cloth, Crossing the green-grocer's shop, and putting their with a great extent of stocking. The new-comers hats on the stairs in the little passage behind it, they having been welcomed by the old ones, Mr. Tuckle walked into a small parlor; and here the full splen- put the question that supper be ordered in, which dor of the scene burst upon Mr. Weller's view. was carried unanimously. A couple of tables were put together in the middle The green-grocer and his wife then arranged upon of the parlor, covered with three or four cloths of the table a boiled leg of mutton, hot, with caper different ages and dates of washing, arranged to look sauce, turnips, and potatoes. Mr. Tuckle took the as much like one as the circumstances of the case chair, and was supported at the other end of the would allow. Upon these were laid knives and board by the gentleman in orange plush. The forks for six or eight people. Some of the knife- green-grocer put on a pair of wash-leather gloves to handles were green, others red, and a few yellow; hand the plates with, and stationed himself behind and as all the forks were black, the combination of Mr. Tuckle's chair. colors was exceedingly striking. Plates for a cor- "Harris," said Mr. Tuckle, in a commanding tone. responding number of guests were warming behind "Sir," said the green-grocer. the fender; and the guests themselves were warm- " Have you got your gloves on?" ing before it: the chief and most important of whom "Yes, sir." appeared to be a stoutish gentleman in a bright "Then take the kiver off." crimson coat with long tails, vividly red breeches, "Yes, sir." and a cocked hat, who was standing with his back The green-grocer did as he was told, with a show to the fire, and had apparently just entered, for be- of great humility, and obsequiously handed Mr. sides retaining his cocked hat on his head, he car- Tuckle the carving-knife; in doing which, he acciried in his hand a high stick, such as gentlemen of dentally gaped. his profession usually elevate in a sloping position "What do you mean by that, sir?" said Mr. over the roofs of carriages. Tuckle, with great asperity. "Smauker, my lad, your fin," said the gentleman "I beg your pardon, sir," replied the crest-fallen with the cocked hat. green-grocer, "I didn't mean to do it, sir; I was up Mr. Smauker dovetailed the top joint of his right- very late last night, sir." hand little finger into that of the gentleman with "I tell you what my opinion of you is, Harris," the cocked hat, and said he was charmed to see him said Mr. Tuckle, with a most impressive air, " you're looking so well. a wulgar beast." "Well, they tell me I am looking pretty bloom- "I hope, gentlemen," said Harris, "that you won't ing," said the man with the cocked hat, "and it's a be severe with me, gentlemen. I'm very much wonder, too. I've been following our old woman obliged to you indeed, gentlemen, for your patronabout, two hours a day, for the last fortnight; and age, and also for your recommendations, gentlemen, if a constant contemplation of the manner in which whenever additional assistance in waiting is reshe hooks-and-eyes that infernal lavender-colored quired. I hope, gentlemen, I give satisfaction." old gown of hers behind, isn't enough to throw any "No, you don't sir," said Mr. Tuckle. "Very far body into a low state of despondency for life, stop from it, sir." my quarter's salary." "-We consider you an inattentive reskel," said the At this, the assembled selections laughed very gentleman in the orange plush. heartily; and one gentleman in a yellow waistcoat, "And a low thief," added the gentleman in the with a coach trimming border,whispered a neighbor in green-foil smalls. green-foil smalls, that Tuckle was in spirits to-night. "And an unreclaimable blaygaird," added the gen" By-the-bye," said Mr. Tuckle, " Smauker, my boy, tleman in purple. you-" The remainder of the sentence was forward- The poor green-grocer bowed very humbly while ed into Mr. John Smauker's ear by whisper. these little epithets were bestowed upon him, in the "Oh, dear me, I quite forgot," said Mr. John true spirit of the very smallest tyranny; and when Smauker. " Gentlemen, my friend Mr. Weller." every body had said something to show his superior" Sorry to keep the fire off you, Weller," said Mr. ity, Mr. Tuckle proceeded to carve the leg of mutton, Tuckle, with a familiar nod. "Hope you're not and to help the company. cold, Weller." This important business of the evening had hard"Not by no means, Blazes," replied Sam. "It'udbe ly commenced, when the door was thrown briskly a wery chilly subject as felt cold wen you stood oppo- open, and another gentleman in a light-blue suit and sit. You'd save coals if they put you behind the fend- leaden buttons made his appearance. er in the waitin'-room at a public office, you would." "Against the rules," said Mr. Tuckle. " Too late, As this retort appeared to convey rather a per- too late." 224 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "No, no; positively I couldn't help it," said the "Have you any little thing of that kind in hand, gentleman in blue. "I appeal to the company. sir?" inquired the favored gentleman in blue, drawAn affair of gallantry now, an appointment at the ing a tooth-pick from his waistcoat-pocket. theayter." "Not exactly," said Sam. "There's no daughters "Oh, that indeed," said the gentleman in the at my place, else o' course I should ha' made up to orange plush. vun on'em. As it is, I don't think I can do with "Yes; raly now, honor bright," said the man in any thin' under a female markis. I might take up blue. "I made a promese to fetch our youngest with a young ooman o' large property as hadn't a tidaughter at half-past ten, and she is such an un- tie, if she made wery fierce love to me. Not else." cauminly fine gal, that I raly hadn't the art to dis- "Of course not, Mr. Weller,'" said the gentleman appint her. No offense to the present company, sir, in blue, " one can't be troubled, you know; and uwe but a petticut, sir, a petticut, sir, is irrevokable." know, Mr. Weller-we, who are men of the world"I begin to suspect there's something in that quar- that a good uniform must work its way with the ter," said Tuckle, as the new-comer took his seat women, sooner or later. In fact, that's the only next Sam. " I've remarked, once or twice, that she thing, between you and me, that makes the service leans very heavy on your shoulder when she gets in worth entering into." and out of the carriage." "Just so," said Sam. "That's it, o' course." "Oh raly, raly, Tuckle, you shouldn't," said the When this confidential dialogue had gone thus man in blue. "It's not fair. I may have said to far, glasses were placed round, and every gentleman one or two friends that she was a very divine cree- ordered what he liked best, before the public-house chure, and had refused one or two offers without any shut up. The gentleman in blue, and the man in orhobvus cause, but-no, no, no, indeed, Tuckle-be- ange, who were the chief exquisites of the party, orfore strangers, too-it's not right-you shouldn't. dered "cold srub and water," but with the others, Delicacy, my dear friend, delicacy!" And the man gin-and-water, sweet, appeared to be the favorite in blue, pulling up his neckerchief, and adjusting beverage. Sam called the green-grocer a "desp'rate his coat cuffs, nodded and frowned as if there were willin," and ordered a large bowl of punch: two cirmore behind, which he could say if he liked, but was cumstances which seemed to raise him very much bound in honor to suppress. in the opinion of the selections. The man in blue being a light-haired, stiff-necked, " Gentlemen," said the man in blue, with an air free-and-easy sort of footman, with a swaggering air of the most consummate dandyism, "I'll give you and pert face, had attracted Mr. Weller's especial at- the ladies; come." tention at first, but when he began to come out in "Hear, hear!" said Sam. "The young mississes." this way, Sam felt more than ever disposed to culti- Here there was a loud cry of "Order," and Mr. vate his acquaintance; so he launched himself into John Smauker, as the gentleman who had introthe conversation at once, with characteristic inde- duced Mr. Weller into that company, begged to inpendence. form him that the word he had just made use of was "Your health, sir," said Sam. "I like your con- unparliamentary. wersation much. I think it's wery pretty." "Which word was that'ere, sir?" inquired Sam. At this the man in blue smiled, as if it were a "Mississes, sir," replied Mr. John Smauker, with compliment he was well used to; but looked ap- an alarming frown. "We don't recognize such disprovingly on Sam at the same time, and said he tinctions here." hoped he should be better acquainted with him, for " Oh, wery good," said Sam; "then I'll amend the without any flattery at all he seemed to have the obserwation, and call'em the dear creeturs, if Blazes makings of a very nice fellow about him, and to be vill allow me." just the man after his own heart. Some doubt appeared to exist in the mind of the "You're wery good, sir," said Sam. "What a gentleman in the green-foil smalls, whether the lucky feller you are!" chairman could be legally appealed to as "Blazes;" "How do you mean?" inquired the gentleman in but as the company seemed more disposed to stand blue. upon their own rights than his, the question was not "That'ere young lady," replied Sam. "She raised. The man with the cocked hat breathed knows wot's wot, she does. Ah! I see." Mr. Weller short, and looked long at Sam, but apparently closed one eye, and shook his head from side to side, thought it as well to say nothing, in case he should in a manner which was highly gratifying to the per- get the worst of it. sonal vanity of the gentleman in blue. After a short silence, a gentleman in an embroid" I'm afraid you're a cunning fellow, Mr. Weller," ered coat reaching down to his heels, and a waistsaid that individual. coat of the same which kept one half of his legs "No, no," said Sam. "I leave all that'ere to you. warm, stirred his gin and water with great energy, It's a great deal more in your way than mine, as the and putting himself upon his feet, all at once, by a gen'l'm'n on the right side o' the garden vail said violent effort, said he was desirous of offering a few to the man on the wrong'un, ven the mad bull was remarks to the company: whereupon the person in a-comin' up the lane." the cocked hat had no doubt that the company "Well, well, Mr. Weller," said the gentleman in would be very happy to hear any remarks that the blue," I think she has remarked my air and manner, man in the long coat might wish to offer. Mr. Weller." "I feel a great delicacy, gentlemen, in coming for"I should think she couldn't wery well be off o''ard," said the man in the long coat, "having the misthat," said Sam. forchune to be a coachman, and being only admitted MR. WINEKLE MISSING. 225 as a honorary member of these agreeable swarrys, At the conclusion of this speech every body took a but I do feel myself bound, gentlemen-drove into a sip in honor of Sam; and Sam having ladled out, corner, if I may use the expression-to make known and drunk, two full glasses of punch in honor of himan afflicting circumstance which has come to my self, returned thanks in a neat speech. knowledge; which has happened, I may say, within "Wery much obliged to you, old fellers," said Sam, the soap of my every-day contemplation. Gentle- ladling away at the punch in the most unembarmen, our friend Mr. Whiffers (every body looked at rassed manner possible, "for this here compliment; the individual in orange), our friend Mr. Whiffers wich, comin' from sich a quarter, is wery overvelmin'. has resigned." I've heerd a good deal on you as a body, but I will Universal astonishment fell upon the hearers. say, that I never thought you was sich uncommon Each gentleman looked in his neighbor's face, and nice men as I find you air. I only hope you'll take then transferred his glance to the upstanding coach- care o' yourselves, and not compromise nothin' o' man. your dignity, which is a wery charmin' thing to see, " You may well be sapparized, gentlemen," said the when one's out a-walkin', and has always made me coachman. "I will not wenchure to state the rea- wery happy to look at, ever since I was a boy about sons of this irrepairabel loss to the service, but I will half as high as the brass-headed stick o' my wery beg Mr. Whiffers to state them himself, for the im- respectable friend, Blazes, there. As to the wictim provement and imitation of his admiring friends." of oppression in the suit o' brimstone, all I can say The suggestion being loudly approved of, Mr. of him is, that I hope he'll get jist as good a berth as Whiffers explained. He said he certainly. could he deserves: in vich case it's wery little cold swarry have wished to have continued to hold the appoint- as ever he'll be troubled with agin." ment he had just resigned. The uniform was ex- Here Sam sat down with a pleasant smile, and his tremely rich and expensive, the females of the family speech having been vociferously applauded, the cornwas most agreeable, and the duties of the situation pany broke up. was not, he was bound to say, too heavy: the princi- "Wy, you don't mean to say you're agoin', old felpal service that was required of him being, that he ler?" said Sam Weller to his friend, Mr. John Smaushould look out of the hall window as much as pos- ker. sible, in company with another gentleman, who had "I must indeed," said Mr. Smauker; " I promised also resigned. He could have wished to have spared Bantam." that company the painful and disgusting detail on "Oh, wery well," said Sam; " that's another thing. which he was about to enter; but as the explanation P'raps he'd resign if you disappinted him. You ain't had been demanded of him, he had no alternative agoin', Blazes?" but to state, boldly and distinctly, that he had been "Yes, I am," said the man with the cocked hat. required to eat cold meat. "Wot, and leave three-quarters of a bowl of punch It is impossible to conceive the disgust which this behind you!" said Sam; "nonsense, set down agin." avowal awakened in the bosoms of the hearers. Mr. Tuckle was not proof against this invitation. Loud cries of "Shame!" mingled with groans and He laid aside the cocked hat and stick which he had hisses, prevailed for a quarter of an hour. just taken up, and said he would have one glass, for Mr. Whiffers then added that he feared a portion good-fellowship's sake. of this outrage might be traced to his own forbear- As the gentleman in blue went home the same ing and accommodating disposition. He had a dis- way as Mr. Tuckle, he was prevailed upon to stop tinct recollection of having once consented to eat too. When the punch was about half gone, Sam salt butter, and he had, moreover, on an occasion of ordered in some oysters from the green-grocer's shop; sudden sickness in the house, so far forgotten him- and the effect of both was so extremely exhilarating, self as to carry a coal-scuttle up to the second floor. that Mr. Tuckle, dressed out with the cocked hat He trusted he had not lowered himself in the good and stick, danced the frog hornpipe among the shells opinion of his friends by this frank confession of his on the table: while the gentleman in blue played faults; and he hoped the promptness with which he an accompaniment upon an ingenious musical instruhad resented the last unmanly outrage on his feel- ment formed of a hair-comb and a curl-paper. At ings, to which he had referred, would reinstate him last, when the punch was all gone, and the night in their good opinion, if he had. nearly so, they sallied forth to see each other home. Mr. Whiffers's address was responded to with a Mr. Tuckle no sooner got into the open air, than he shout of admiration, and the health of the interest- was seized with a sudden desire to lie on the curbing martyr was drunk in a most enthusiastic man- stone; Sam thought it would be a pity to contradict ner; for this, the martyr returned thanks, and pro- him, and so let him have his own way. As the posed their visitor, Mr. Weller; a gentleman whom cocked hat would have been spoiled if left there, he had not the pleasure of an intimate acquaintance Sam very considerately flattened it down on the with, but who was the friend of Mr. John Smauker, head of the gentleman in blue, and putting the big which was a sufficient letter of recommendation to stick in his hand, propped him up against his own any society of gentlemen whatever, or wherever. street door, rang the bell, and walked quietly home. On this account, he should have been disposed to At a much earlier hour next morning than his have given Mr. Weller's health with all the honors, if usual time of rising, Mr. Pickwick walked down his friends had been drinking wine; but as they were stairs completely dressed, and rang the bell. taking spirits by way of a change, and as it might be " Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, when Mr. Weller apinconvenient to empty a tumbler at every toast, he peared in reply to the summons, " shut the door." should propose that the'honors be understood. Mr. Weller did so. 15 226 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "There was an unfortunate occurrence here last the end of the passage, and walking quietly back, night, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, " which gave Mr. thrust his head in at the parlor door. Winkle some cause to apprehend violence from Mr. "Sir," whispered Sam. Dowler." Well, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. " So I've heerd from the old lady down stairs, sir," "I fully understands my instructions, do I, sir?" replied Sam. inquired Sam. " And I'm sorry to say, Sam," continued Mr. Pick- "I hope so," said Mr. Pickwick. wick, with a most perplexed countenance, "that in "It's reg'larly understood about the knockin' down, dread of this violence, Mr. Winkle has gone away." is it, sir?" inquired Sam. " Gone avay!" said Sam. "Perfectly," replied Mr. Pickwick. " Thoroughly. "Left the house early this morning, without the Do what you think necessary. You have my orders." slightest previous communication with -me," replied Sam gave a nod of intelligence, and withdrawing Mr. Pickwick. "And is gone, I know not where." his head from the door, set forth on his pilgrimage " He should ha' stopped and fought it out, sir," re- with a light heart. plied Sam, contemptuously. " It wouldn't take much to settle that'ere Dowler, sir." " Well, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, "I may have my doubts of his great bravery and determination, also. CHAPTER XXXVIII. But however that may be, Mr. Winkle is gone. He must be found, Sam. Found and brought baok to HO MR. WINKLE, WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE me." FRYING-PAN, WALKED GENTLY AND COMFORTABLY "And s'pose he won't come back, sir 7" said Sam. INTO THE FIRE. "He must be made, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. HE ill-starred gentleman who had been the un" Who's to do it, sir?" inquired Sam with a smile. fortunate cause of the unusual noise and dis"You," replied Mr. Pickwick. turbance which alarmed the inhabitants of the Roy" Wery good, sir." al Crescent in manner and form already described, With these words Mr. Weller left the room, and after passing a night of great confusion and anxieimmediately afterward was heard to shut the street ty, left the roof beneath which his friends still slumdoor. In two hours' time he returned with as much bered, bound he knew not whither. The excellent coolness as if he had been dispatched on the most and considerate feelings which prompted Mr. Winkle ordinary message possible, and brought the informa- to take this step can never be too highly appreciated tion that an individual, in every respect answering or too warmly extolled. "If," reasoned Mr. Winkle Mr. Winkle's description, had gone over to Bristol with himself, " if this Dowler attempts (as I have no that morning, by the branch coach from the Royal doubt he will) to carry into execution his threat of Hotel. personal violence against myself, it will be incum" Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, grasping his hand, bent on me to call him out. He has a wife; that "you're a capital fellow; an invaluable fellow. You wife is attached to, and dependent on him. Heavmust follow him, Sam." ens! if I should kill him in the blindness of my " Cert'nly, sir," replied Mr. Weller. wrath, what would be my feelings ever afterward!" " The instant you discover him, write to me imme- This painful consideration operated so powerfully on diately, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. " If he attempts the feelings of the humane young man, as to cause to run away from you, knock him down, or lock him his knees to knock together, and his countenance to up. You have my full authority, Sam." exhibit alarming manifestations of inward emotion. "I'll be wery careful, sir," rejoined Sam. Impelled by such reflections, he grasped his carpet"You'll tell him," said Mr. Pickwick, "that I am bag, and creeping stealthily down stairs, shut the highly excited, highly displeased, and naturally in- detestable street door with as little noise as possible, dignant, at the very extraordinary course he has and walked off. Bending his steps toward the Roythought proper to pursue." al Hotel, he found a coach on the point of starting "I will, sir," replied Sam. for Bristol, and, thinking Bristol as good a place for "You'll tell him," said Mr. Pickwick, "that if he his purpose as any other he pould go to, he mounted does not come back to this very house with you, he the box, and reached his place of destination in such will come back with me, for I will come and fetch time as the pair of horses, who went the whole stage him." and back again twice a day or more, could be rea" I'll mention that'ere sir," rejoined Sam. sonably supposed to arrive there. "You think you can find him, Sam " said Mr. He took up his quarters at The Bush, and, designPickwick, looking earnestly in his face. ing to postpone any communication by letter with " Oh, I'll find him if he's any vere," rejoined Sam, Mr. Pickwick until it was probable that Mr. Dowwith great confidence. ler's wrath might have in some degree evaporated, " Very well," said Mr. Pickwick. " Then the soon- walked forth to view the city, which struck him as er you go the better." being a shade more dirty than any place he had ever With these instructions, Mr. Pickwick placed a seen. Having inspected the docks and shipping, sum of money in the hands of his faithful servitor, and viewed the cathedral, he inquired his way to and ordered him to start for Bristol immediately, in Clifton, and being directed thither, took the route pursuit of the fugitive. which was pointed out to him. But as the paveSam put a few necessaries in a carpet-bag, and was ments of Bristol are not the widest or cleanest upon ready for starting. He stopped when he had got to earth, so its streets are not altogether the straightest DISCOVERY OF A MEDICAL GENTLEMAN. 227 or least intricate; Mr. Winkle, being greatly puzzled " It never caught my eye," returned Mr. Winkle. by their manifold windings and twistings, looked "Lord, if I had known who you were, I should about him for a decent shop in which he could ap- have rushed out, and caught you in my arms," said ply afresh for counsel and instruction. Bob Sawyer; " but upon my life, I thought you were His eye fell upon a newly-painted tenement which the King's-taxes." had been recently converted into something between "No!" said Mr. Winkle. a shop and a private house, and which a red lamp, "I did, indeed," responded Bob Sawyer, "and I was projecting over the fan-light of the street door, would just going to say that I wasn't at home, but if you'd have sufficiently announced as the residence of a leave a message I'd be sure to give it to myself; for medical practitioner, even if the word "Surgery" he don't know me; no more does the Lighting and had not been inscribed in golden characters on a Paving. I think the Church-rates guesses who I wainscot ground, above the window of what, in times am, and I know the Water-works does, because I by-gone, had been the front parlor. Thinking this drew a tooth of his when I first came down here. an eligible plac.e wherein to make his inquiries, Mr. But come in, come in!" Chattering in this way, Mr. Winkle stepped into the little shop where the gilt- Bob Sawyer pushed Mr. Winkle into the back-room, labeled drawers and bottles were; and finding no- where, amusing himself by boring little circular cavbody there, knocked with a half-crown on the count- erns in the chimney-piece with a red-hot poker, sat er, to attract the attention of any body who might no less a person than Mr. Benjamin Allen. happen to be in the back parlor, which he judged to "Well!" said Mr. Winkle. "This is indeed a pleasbe the innermost and peculiar sanctum of the estab- ure I did not expect. What a very nice place you, lishment, from the repetition of the word surgery on have here!" the door-painted in white letters this time, by way " Pretty well, pretty well," replied Bob Sawyer; of taking off the monotony. "I passed, soon after that precious party, and my At the first knock, a sound, as of persons fencing friends came down with the needful for this busiwith fire-irons, which had until now been very audi- ness; so I put on a black suit of clothes, and a pair ble, suddenly ceased; at the second, a studious-look- of spectacles, and came here to look as solemn as I ing young gentleman in green spectacles, with a very could." large book in his hand, glided quietly into the shop, "And a very snug little business you have, no and stepping behind the counter, requested to know doubt?" said Mr. Winkle, knowingly. the visitor's pleasure. "Very," replied Bob Sawyer. " So snug, that at " I am sorry to trouble you, sir," said Mr. Winkle, the end of a few years you might put all the profits "but will you have the goodness to direct me to-" in a wine-glass, and cover'em over with a goose"Ha! ha! ha!" roared the studious young gentle- berry leaf." man, throwing the large book up into the air, and " You can not surely mean that?" said Mr. Winkle. catching it with great dexterity at the very moment " The stock itself-" when it threatened to smash to atoms all the bottles " Dummies, my dear boy," said Bob Sawyer; "half on the counter. " Here's a start!" the drawers have nothing in'em, and the other half There was, without doubt; for Mr. Winkle was so don't open." very much astonished at the extraordinary behavior "Nonsense!" said Mr. Winkle. of the medical gentleman, that he involuntarily re- "Fact-honor!" returned Bob Sawyer, stepping treated toward the door, and looked very much dis- out into the shop, and demonstrating the veracity turbed at his strange reception. of the assertion by divers hard pulls at the little gilt "What, don't you know me?" said the medical knobs on the counterfeit drawers. "Hardly any gentleman. thing real in the shop but the leeches, and they are Mr. Winkle murmured, in reply, that he had not second-hand." that pleasure. "I shouldn't have thought it P exclaimed'Mr. Win"Why, then," said the medical gentleman, " there kle, much surprised. are hopes for me yet; I may attend half the old " I hope not," replied Bob Sawyer, " else where's women in Bristol if I've decent luck. Get out, you the use of appearances, eh? tBht what will you moldy old villain, get out!" With this adjuration, take? Do as we do? That's right. Ben, my fine which was addressed to the large book, the medical fellow, put your hand into the cupboard, and bring gentleman kicked the volume with remarkable agil- out the patent digester." ity to the farther end of the shop, and, pulling off Mr. Benjamin Allen smiled his readiness, and prohis green spectacles, grinned the identical grin of duced from the closet at his elbow a black bottle Robert Sawyer, Esquire, formerly of Guy's Hospital, half full of brandy. in the Borough, with a private residence in Lant "You don't take water, of course?" said Bob SawStreet. yer. "You- don't mean to say you weren't down upon "Thank you," replied Mr. Winkle. "It's rather me!"said Mr. Bob Sawyer, shaking Mr. Winkle's hand early. I should like to qualifiy it, if you have no with friendly warmth. objection." " Upon my word I was not," replied Mr. Winkle, " None in the least, if you can reconcile it to your returning the pressure. conscience," replied Bob Sawyer, tossing off, as he " I wonder you didn't see the name," said Bob Saw- spoke, a glass of the liquor with great relish. " Ben, yer, calling his friend's attention to the outer door, the pipkin!" on which, in the same white paint, were traced the Mr. Benjamin Allen drew forth, from the same words " Sawyer, late Nockemorf." hiding-place, a small brass pipkin, which Bob Saw 228 THE PICKWICK CLUB. yer observed he prided himself upon, particularly when the people have got nothing to do but look because it looked so business-like. The water in about'em, and calls me out, with horror and dismay the professional pipkin having been made to boil, in depicted on his countenance.' Bless my soul,' every course of time, by various little shovelfuls of coal, body says, somebody taken suddenly ill! Sawyer, which Mr. Bob Sawyer took out of a practicable win- late Nockemorf, sent for. What a business that young dow-seat, labeled "Soda Water," Mr. Winkle adul- man has!' ", terated his brandy; and the conversation was be- At the termination of this disclosure of some of the coming general, when it was interrupted by the en- mysteries of medicine, Mr. Bob Sawyer and his friend, trance into the shop of a boy,in a sober gray livery Ben Allen, threw themselves back in their respective and a gold-laced hat, with a small covered basket chairs, and laughed boisterously. When they had under his arm: whom Mr. Bob Sawyer immediately enjoyed the joke to their hearts' content, the dishailed with, "Tom, you vagabond, come here." course changed to topics in which Mr. Winkle was The boy presented himself accordingly.'more immediately interested. " You've been stopping to over all the posts in We think we have hinted elsewhere, that Mr. BenBristol, you idle young scamp!" said Mr. Bob Saw- jamin Allen had a way of becoming sentimental afyer. ter brandy. The case is not a peculiar one, as we "No, sir, I haven't," replied the boy. ourself can testify: having, on a few occasions, had "You had better not!" said Mr. Bob Sawyer, with to deal with patients who have been afflicted in a a threatening aspect. "Who do you suppose will similar manner. At this precise period of his existever employ a professional man, when they see his ence, Mr. Benjamin Allen had perhaps a greater preboy playing at marbles in the gutter, or flying the disposition to maudlinism than he had ever known garter in the horse road? Have you no feeling for before; the cause of which malady was briefly this. your profession, you groveler? Did you leave all the He had been staying nearly three weeks with Mr. medicine " Bob Sawyer; Mr. Bob Sawyer was not remarkable "Yes, sir." for temperance, nor was Mr. Benjamin Allen for the "The powders for the child, at the large house ownership of a very strong head; the consequence with the new family, and the pills to be taken four was, that, during the whole space of time just mentimes a day at the ill-tempered old gentleman's with tioned, Mr. Benjamin Allen had been wavering bethe gouty leg?" tween intoxication partial, and intoxication com"Yes, sir." plete. "Then shut the door, and mind the shop." "My dear friend," said Mr. Ben Allen, taking ad"Come," said Mr. Winkle, as the boy retired, vantage of Mr. Bob Sawyer's temporary absence be" things are not quite so bad as you would have me hind the counter, whither he had retired to dispense believe, either. There is some medicine to be sent some of the second-hand leeches, previously referred out." to: "my dear friend, I am very miserable." Mr. Bob Sawyer peeped into the shop to see that Mr. Winkle professed his heartfelt regret to hear no stranger was within hearing, and leaning forward it, and begged to know whether he could do any to Mr. Winkle, said, in a low tone, thing to alleviate the sorrows of the suffering stu" He leaves it all at the wrong houses." dent. Mr. Winkle looked perplexed, and Bob Sawyer and " Nothing, my dear boy, nothing," said Ben. "You his friend laughed. recollect Arabella, Winkle? My sister Arabella-a "Don't you see?" said Bob. "He goes up to a little girl, Winkle, with black eyes-when we were house, rings the area bell, pokes a packet of medicine down at Wardle's? I don't know whether you hapwithout a direction into the servant's hand, and pened to notice her, a nice little girl, Winkle. Perwalks off. Servant takes it into the dining-parlor; haps my features may recall her countenance to your master opens it, and reads the label:'Draught to be recollection?" taken at bed-time-pills as before-lotion as usual Mr. Winkle required nothing to recall the charm-the powder. From Sawyer's, late Nockemorf's. ing Arabella to his mind; and it was rather fortuPhysicians' prescriptions carefully prepared,' and all nate he did not, for the features of her brother Benthe rest of it. Shows it to his wife-she reads the jamin would unquestionably have proved but an inlabel; it goes down to the servants-they read the different refresher to his memory. He answered, label. Next day, boy calls:'Very sorry-his mis- with as much calmness as he could assume, that he take-immense business-great many parcels to de- perfectly remembered the young lady referred to, liver-Mr. Sawyer's compliments-late Nockemorf.' and sincerely trusted she was in good health. The name gets known, and that's the thing, my boy, " Our friend Bob is a delightful fellow, Winkle," in the medical way. Bless your heart, old fellow, was the only reply of Mr. Ben Allen. it's better than all the advertising in the world. "Very," said Mr. Winkle; not much relishing this We have got one four-ounce bottle that's been to close connection of the two names. half the houses in Bristol, and hasn't done yet." "I designed'em for each other; they were made "Dear me, I see," observed Mr. Winkle; "what an for each other, sent into the world for each other, excellent plan!" born for each other, Winkle," said Mr. Ben Allen, set"Oh, Ben and I have hit upon a dozen such," re- ting down his glass with emphasis. "There's a plied Bob Sawyer, with great glee. "The lamp-light- special destiny in the matter, my dear sir; there's er has eighteen-pence a week to pull the night-bell only five years' difference between'em, and both for ten minutes every time he comes round; and my their birth-days are in August." boy always rushes into church, just before the psalms, Mr. Winkle was too anxious to hear what was to PROFESSIONAL CONVIVIALITY. 229 follow, to express much wonderment at this extraor- part of the country to spend a few months at an old dinary coincidence, marvelous as it was; so Mr. Ben aunt's, in a nice dull close place. I think'that will Allen, after a tear or two, went on to say, that, not- cure her, my boy. If it doesn't, I'll take her abroad withstanding all his esteem and respect and venera- for a little while, and see what that'll do." tion for his friend, Arabella had unaccountably and "Oh, the aunt's is in Bristol, is it?" faltered Mr. undutifully evinced the most determined antipathy Winkle. to his person. "No, no, not in Bristol," replied Mr. Ben Allen, "And I think," said Mr. Ben Allen, in conclusion, jerking his thumb over his right shoulder: " over "I think there's a prior attachment." that way; down there. But hush, here's Bob. Not "Have you any idea who the object of it might a word, my dear friend, not a word." be?" asked Mr. Winkle, with great trepidation. Short as this conversation was, it roused in Mr. Mr. Ben Allen seized the poker, flourished it in a Winkle the highest degree of excitement and anxiewarlike manner above his head, inflicted a savage ty. The suspected prior attachment rankled in his blow on an imaginary skull, and wound up by saying, heart. Could he be the object of it? Could it be'~'iI K lI 117 RV,,~~~~~~~~/ "' ]BLESS MY SOUL,' EVERY BODY BALYS, (SOMEBODY TAKEN SUDDENLY ILL! SAWYER, LATE NOCKEMORF, SENT FOR! " in a very expressive manner, that he only wished he for him that the fair Arabella had looked scornfully could guess; that was all. on the sprightly Bob Sawyer, or had he a successful "I'd show him what I thought of him," said Mr. rival? He determined to see her, cost what it might; Ben Alien. And round went the poker again, more but here an insurmountable objection presented itfiercely than before. self, for whether the explanatory "over that way," All this was, of course, very soothing to the feel- and "down there," of Mr. Ben Allen, meant three ings of Mr. Winkle, who remained silent for a few miles off, or thirty, or three hundred, he could in nominutes; but at length mustered up resolution to wise guess. inquire whether Miss Allen was in Kent. But he had no opportunity of popdering over his "No, no," said Mr. Ben Allen, laying aside the love just then, for Bob Sawyer's re urn was the impoker, and looking very cunning; "I didn't think mediate precursor of the arrival of a meat pie from Wardle's exactly the place for a headstrong girl; so, the baker's, of which that gentleman insisted on his as I am her natural protector and guardian, our par- staying to partake. The cloth was laid by an ocents being dead, I have brought her down into this casional char-woman, who officiated in the capacity 230 lTHE PICKWICK CLUB. of Mr. Bob Sawyer's housekeeper; and a third knife comer a sight of the fire. What were Mr. Winkle's and fork having been borrowed from the mother of feelings whlen, in doing so, he disclosed to view the the boy in the gray livery (for Mr. Sawyer's domes- face and figure of the vindictive and sanguinary tic arrangements were as yet conducted on a limit- Dowler! ed scale), they sat down to dinner; the beer being Mr. Winkle's first impulse was to give a violent served up, as Mr. Sawyer remarked, "in its native pull at the nearest bell-handle, but that unfortupewter." nately happened to be immediately behind Mr. DowAfter dinner, Mr. Bob Sawyer ordered in the ler's head. He had made one step toward it, before largest mortar in the shop, and proceeded to brew he checked himself. As he did so, Mr. Dowler very a reeking jorum of rum-punch therein: stirring up hastily drew back. and amalgamating the materials with a pestle in a "Mr. Winkle, sir. Be calm. Don't strike me. I very creditable and apothecary-like manner. Mr. won't bear it. A blow! Never!" said Mr. Dowler, Sawyer, being a bachelor, had only one tumbler in looking meeker than Mr. Winkle had expected in a the house, which was assigned to Mr. Winkle as a gentleman of his ferocity. compliment to the visitor: Mr. Ben Allen being ac- "A blow, sir?" stammered Mr. Winkle. commodated with a funnel, with a cork in the nar- "A blow, sir," replied Dowler. "Compose your row end: and Bob Sawyer contented himself with feelings. Sit down. Hear me." one of those wide-lipped crystal vessels inscribed "Sir," said Mr. Winkle, trembling from head to with a variety of cabalistic characters, in which foot, " before I consent to sit down beside, or oppochemists are wont to measure out their liquid drugs site you, without the presence of a waiter, I must be in compounding prescriptions. These preliminaries secured by some further understanding. You used adjusted, the punch was tasted, and pronounced ex- a threat against me last night, sir, a dreadful threat, cellent; and it having been arranged that Bob Saw- sir." Here Mr. Winkle turned very pale indeed, and yer and Ben Allen should be considered at liberty to stopped short. fill twice to Mr. Winkle's once, they started fair, "I did," said Dowler, with a countenance almost with great satisfaction and good-fellowship. as white as Mr. Winkle's. "Circumstances were There was no singing, because Mr. Bob Sawyer suspicious. They have been explained. I respect said it wouldn't look professional; but to make your bravery. Your feeling is upright. Conscious amends for this deprivation, there was so much talk- innocence. There's my hand. Grasp it." ing and laughing, that it might have been heard, "Really, sir," said Mr. Winkle, hesitating whether and very likely was, at the end of the street. Which to give his hand or not, and almost fearing that it conversation materially lightened the hours and im- was demanded in order that he might be taken at proved the mind of Mr. Bob Sawyer's boy, who, in- an advantage, "really, sir, I —" stead of devoting the evening to his ordinary occu- "I know what you mean," interposed Dowler. pation of writing his name on the counter and rub- "You feel aggrieved. Very natural. So should I. bing it out again, peeped through the glass door, I was wrong. I beg your pardon. Be friendly. and thus listened and looked on at the same time. Forgive me." With this, Dowler fairly forced his The mirth of Mr. Bob Sawyer was rapidly ripen- hand upon Mr. Winkle, and shaking it with the uting into the furious; Mr. Ben Allen was fast relaps- most vehemence, declared he was a fellow of exing into the sentimental, and the punch had well- treme spirit, and he had a higher opinion of him nigh disappeared altogether, when the boy, hastily than ever. running in, announced that a young woman had just "Now," said Dowler, "sit down. Relate it all. come over, to say that Sawyer late Nockemorf was How did you find me? When did you follow? Be wanted directly, a couple of streets off. This broke frank. Tell me." up the party. Mr. Bob Sawyer, understanding the " It's quite accidental," replied Mr. Winkle, greatmessage, after some twenty repetitions, tied a wet ly perplexed by the curious and unexpected nature cloth round his head to sober himself, and, having of the interview, " quite." partially succeeded, put on his green spectacles and " Glad of it," said Dowler. " I woke this morning. issued forth. Resisting all entreaties to stay till he I had forgotten my threat. I laughed at the accicame back, and finding it quite impossible to engage dent. I felt friendly. I said so." Mr. Ben Allen in any intelligible conversation on the " To whom?" inquired Mr. Winkle. subject nearest his heart, or indeed on any other, Mr. "To Mrs. Dowler. You made a vow,' said she. Winkle took his departure, and returned to the Bush.'I did,' said I.'It was a rash one,' said she.'It The anxiety of his mind, and the numerous medi- was,' said I. I'll apologize. Where is he?'" tations which Arabella had awakened, prevented his "Who?" inquired Mr. Winkle. share of the mortar of punch producing that effect "You," replied Dowler. "I went down stairs. upon him which it would have had, under other cir- You were not to he found. Pickwick looked cumstances. So, after taking a glass of soda-water gloomy. Shook his head. Hoped no violence and brandy at the bar, he turned into the coffee- would be committed. I saw it all. You felt yourroom, dispirited rather than elevated by the occur- self insulted. You had gone, for a friend perhaps. rences of the evening. Possibly for pistols.'High spirit,' said I.'I adSitting in the'front of the fire, with his back to- mire him."' ward him, was a tallish gentleman iu a great-coat: Mr. Winkle coughed, and beginning to see how the only other occupant of the room. It was rather the land lay, assumed a look of importance. a cool evening for the season of the year, and the "I left a note for you," resumed Dowler. "I said gentleman drew his chair aside to afford the new- I was sorry. So I was. Pressing business called me MAGNANIMITY. 231 here. You were not satisfied. You followed. You What do I mean! Well, that ain't a bad'un, that required a verbal explanation. You were right. ain't." It's all over now. My business is finished. I go "Unlock that door, and leave this room immeback to-morrow. Join me." diately, sir," said Mr. Winkle. As Dowlet progressed in his explanation, Mr. "I shall leave this here room, sir, just precisely at Winkle's countenance grew more and more digni- the wery same moment as you leaves it," responded fled. The mysterious nature of the commencement Sam, speaking in a forcible manner, and seating himof their conversation was explained; Mr. Dowler had self with perfect gravity. " If I find it necessary to as great an objection to dueling as himself; in short, carry you away, pick-a-back, o' course I shall leave this blustering and awful personage was one of the it the least bit o' time possible afore you; but allow most egregious cowards in existence, and interpret- me to express a hope as you won't reduce me to ing Mr. Winkle's absence through the medium of his ex-tremities; in saying wich, I merely quote wot the own fears, had taken the same step as himself, and nobleman said to the fractious pennywinkle, ven he prudently retired until all excitement of feeling vouldn't come out of his shell by means of a pin, and should have subsided. he conseqvently began to be afeered that he should As the real state of the case dawned upon Mr. be obliged to crack him in the parlor door." At the Winkle's mind, he looked very terrible, and said he end of this address, which was unusually lengthy was perfectly satisfied; but at the same time said for him, Mr. Weller planted his hands on his knees, so with an air that left Mr. Dowler no alternative and looked full in Mr. Winkle's face with an exbut to infer that if he had not been, something most pression of countenance which showed that he had horrible and destructive must inevitably have oc- not the remotest intention of being trifled with. curred. Mr. Dowler appeared to be impressed with " You're a amiably-disposed young man, sir, I don't a becoming sense of Mr. Winkle's magnanimity and think," resumed Mr. Weller, in a tone of moral recondescension; and the two belligerents parted for proof, "to go inwolving our precious governor in all the night, with many protestations of eternal friend- sorts o' fanteegs, wen he's made up his mind to go ship. through every think for principle. You're far worse About half-past twelve o'clock, when Mr. Winkle nor Dodson, sir; and as for Fogg, I consider him a had been reveling some twenty minutes in the full born angel to you!" Mr. Weller having accomluxury of his first sleep, he was suddenly awakened panied this last sentiment with an emphatic slap on by a loud knocking at his chamber door, which, be- each knee, folded his arms with a look of great dising repeated with increased vehemence, caused him gust, and threw himself back in his chair, as if awaitstart up in bed, and inquire who was there, and ing the criminal's defense. what the matter was. " My good fellow," said Mr. Winkle, extending his "Please, sir, here's a young man which says he hand; his teeth chattering all the time he spoke, must see you directly," responded the voice of the for he had been standing, during the whole of Mr. chamber-maid. Weller's lecture, in his night-gear; "my good fel"A young man!" exclaimed Mr. Winkle. low, I respect your attachment to my excellent "No mistake about that'ere, sir," replied another friend, and I am very sorry indeed to have added to voice through the key-hole; " and if that wery same his causes for disquiet. There, Sam, there!" interestin' young creetur ain't let in vithout delay, "Well," said Sam, rather sulkily, but giving the it's wery possible as his legs vill enter afore his proffered hand a respectful shake at the same time; countenance." The young man gave a gentle kick "well, so you ought to be, and I am wery glad to at one of the lower panels of the door, after he had find you air; for, if I can help it, I won't have him given utterance to this hint, as if to add force and put upon by nobody, and that's all about it." point to the remark. " Certainly not, Sam," said Mr. Winkle. " There! " Is that you, Sam?" inquired Mr. Winkle, spring- Now go to bed, Sam, and we'll talk further about ing out of bed. this in the morning." "Quite unpossible to identify any gen'l'm'n vith " I'm wery sorry," said Sam, " but I can't go to any degree o' mental satisfaction, vithout lookin' at bed." him, sir," replied the voice, dogmatically. "Not go to bed!" repeated Mr. Winkle. Mr. Winkle, not much doubting who the young "No," said Sam, shaking his head. "Can't be man was, unlocked the door; which he had no soon- done." er done, than Mr. Samuel Weller entered with great "You don't mean to say you're going back toprecipitation, and carefully relocking it on the in- night, Sam?" urged Mr. Winkle, greatly surprised. side, deliberately put the key in his waistcoat-pock- "Not unless you particklerly wish it," replied et; and, after surveying Mr. Winkle from head to Sam; "but I musn't leave this here room. The foot, said: governor's orders wos peremptory." "You're a wery humorous young gen'l'm'n, you "Nonsense, Sam," said Mr. Winkle, "I must stop air, sir!" here two or three days; and more than that, Sam, "What do you mean by this conduct, Sam?" in- you must stop here too, to assist me in gaining au quired Mr. Winkle, indignantly. " Get out, sir, this interview with a young lady-Miss Allen, Sam; you instant. What do you mean, sir?" remember her-whom I must and will see before I "What do I mean," retorted Sam; come, sir, this leave Bristol." is rayther too rich, as the young lady said, wen she But in reply to each of these positions, Sam shook remonstrated with the pastry-cook, arter he'd sold his head with great firmness and energetically reher a pork-pie as had got nothin' but fat inside. plied, "It can't be done." 232 THE PICKWICK CLUB. After a great deal of argument and representation right, and it was unnecessary for him to mount guard on the part of Mr. Winkle, however, and a full dis- any longer. closure of what had passed in the interview with "I thought it better to come myself," said Mr. Dowler, Sam began to waver; and at length a com- Pickwick, addressing Mr. Winkle, as Sam disencumpromise was effected, of which the following were bered him of his great-coat and traveling-shawl, " to the main and principal conditions: ascertain, before I gave my consent to Sam's employThat Sam should retire, and leave Mr. Winkle in ment in this matter, that you are quite in earnest the undisturbed possession of his apartment, on the and serious, with respect to this young lady." condition that he had permission to lock the door on "Serious, from my heart-from my soul!" returnthe outside, and carry off the key; provided always, ed Mr. Winkle, with great energy. that in the event of an alarm of fire, or other dan- "Remember," said Mr. Pickwick, with beaming gerous contingency, the door should be instantly eyes, " we met her at our excellent and hospitable unlocked. That a letter should be written to Mr. friend's, Winkle. It would be an ill return to tamPickwick early next morning, and forwarded per per lightly, and without due consideration, with this Dowler, requesting his consent to Sam and Mr. young lady's affections. I'llnot allowthat, sir. I'll Winkle's remaining at Bristol, for the purpose and not allow it." with the object already assigned, and begging an "I have no such intention, indeed," exclaimed answer by the next coach; if favorable, the afore- Mr. Winkle, warmly. "I have considered the matsaid parties to remain accordingly, and if not, to ter well for a long time, and I feel that my happireturn to Bath immediately on the receipt thereof. ness is bound up in her." And, lastly, that Mr. Winkle should be understood "That's wot we call tying it up in a small parcel, as distinctly pledging himself not to resort to the sir," interposed Mr. Weller, with an agreeable smile. window, fire-place, or other surreptitious mode of Mr. Winkle looked somewhat stern at this interescape, in the mean while. These stipulations hav- ruption, and Mr. Pickwick angrily requested his ating been concluded, Sam locked the door and de- tendant not to jest with one of the best feelings parted. of our nature; to which Sam replied, "That he He had nearly got down stairs, when he stopped, wouldn't, if he was aware on it; but there were so and drew the key from his pocket. many on'em, that he hardly know'd which was the "I quite forgot about the knockin' down," said best ones wen he heerd'em mentioned." Sam, half turning back. " The governor distinctly Mr. Winkle then recounted what had passed besaid it was to be done. Amazin' stupid o' me, that tween himself and Mr. Ben Allen relative to Arabel-'ere! Never mind," said Sam, brightening up, " it's la; stated that his object was to gain an interview easily done to-morrow, anyvays." with the young lady, and make a formal disclosurf Apparently much consoled by this reflection, Mr. of his passion; and declared his conviction, founded Weller once more deposited the key in his pocket, on certain dark hints and mutterings of the aforeand descending the remainder of the stairs without said Ben, that, wherever she was at present immured, any fresh visitations of conscience, was soon, in com- it was somewhere near the Downs. And this was mon with the other inmates of the house, buried in his whole stock of knowledge or suspicion on the profound repose subject. -— c —With this very slight clue to guide him, it was determined that Mr. Weller should start next morning CHAPTER XXXIX. on an expedition of discovery; it was also arranged MR. SAMUEL WELLER BEING INTRUSTED WITH Athat Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Winkle, who were less MISSION OF LOVE PROEEDS TO EXR UTED IT; A confident of their powers, should parade the town MISSION O LOVESPROCESS TO EXECUTE IT; meanwhile, and accidentally drop in upon Mr. Bob WITH WHAT SUCCESS WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR. Sawyer in the course of the day, in the hope of seeURING the whole of next day, Sam kept Mr. ing or hearing something of the young lady's whereWinkle steadily in sight, fully determined not about. to take his eyes off him for one instant, until he Accordingly, next morning, Sam Weller issued should receive express instructions from the fount- forth upon his quest, in no way daunted by the very ain- head. However disagreeable Sam's very close discouraging prospect before him; and away he watch and great vigilance were to Mr. Winkle, he walked, up one street and down another-we were thought it better to bear with them, than, by any going to say, up one hill and down another, only it's act of violent opposition, to hazard being carried all up-hill at Clifton-without meeting with any away by force, which Mr. Weller more than once thing or any body that tended to throw the faintest strongly hinted was the line of conduct that a strict light on the matter in hand. Many were the collosense of duty prompted him to pursue. There is quies into which Sam entered with grooms who were little reason to doubt that Sam would very speedily airing horses on roads, and nurse-maids who were have quieted his scruples, by bearing Mr. Winkle airing children in lanes; but nothing could Sam back to Bath, bound hand and foot, had not Mr. elicit from either the first - mentioned or the last, Pickwick's prompt attention to the note, which which bore the slightest reference to the object of Dowler had undertaken to deliver, forestalled any his artfully- prosecuted inquiries. There were a such proceeding. In short, at eight o'clock in the great many young ladies in a great many houses, evening, Mr. Pickwick himself walked into the cof- the greater part whereof were shrewdly suspected fee-room of the Bush tavern, and told Sam with a by the male and female domestics to be deeply atsmile, to his very great relief, that he had done quite tached to somebody, or perfectly ready to become so, A LUCKY ACCIDENT. 233 if opportunity offered. But as none among these upon what was best to be done, and revolving in his young ladies was Miss Arabella Allen, the informa- mind a plan for knocking at all the doors within five tion left Sam at exactly the old point of wisdom at miles of Bristol, taking them at a hundred and fifty which he had stood before. or two hundred a day, and endeavoring to find Miss Sam struggled across the Downs against a good Arabella by that expedient, when accident all of a sudhigh wind, wondering whether it was always neces- den threw in his way what he might have sat there sary to hold your hat on with both hands in that for a twelvemonth and yet not found without it. part of the country, and came to a shady by-place Into the lane where he sat, there opened three or about which were sprinkled several little villas of four garden-gates, belonging to as many houses, quiet and secluded appearance. Outside a stable which, though detached from each other, were only door at the bottom of a long black lane without a separated by their gardens. As these were large thoroughfare, a groom in undress was idling about, and long, and well planted with trees, the houses apparently persuading himself that he was doing were not only at some distance off, but the greater something with a spade and a wheelbarrow. We part of them were nearly concealed from view. Sam may remark, in this place, that we have scarcely was sitting with his eyes fixed upon the dust-heap ever seen a groom near a stable, in his lazy moments, outside the next gate to that by which the groom who has not been, to a greater or less extent, the had disappeared, profoundly turning over in his victim of this singular delusion. mind the difficulties of his present undertaking, Sam thought he might as well talk to this groom when the gate opened, and a female servant came as to any one else, especially as he was very tired out into the lane to shake some bed-side carpets. with walking, and there was a good large stone just Sam was so very busy with his own thoughts, that opposite the wheelbarrow; so he strolled down the it is probable he would have taken no more notice lane, and, seating himself on the stone, opened a con- of the young woman than just raising his head and versation with the ease and freedom for which he remarking that she had a very neat and pretty figwas remarkable. ure, if his feelings of gallantry had not been most "Mornin', old friend," said Sam. strongly roused lby observing that she had no one to "Arternoon, you mean," replied the groom, casting help her, and that the carpets seemed too heavy for a surly look at Sam. her single strength. Mr. Weller was a gentleman " You're wery right, old friend," said Sam; " I do of great gallantry in his own way, and he no sooner mean arternoon. How are you?" remarked this circumstance than he hastily rose from "Why, I don't find myself much the better for the large stone and advanced toward her. seeing of you," replied the ill-tempered groom. "My dear," said Sam, sliding up with an air of "That's wery odd-that is," said Sam, " for you great respect, "you'll spile that wery pretty figure look so uncommon cheerful, and seem altogether so out o' all perportion if you shake them carpets by lively, that it does vun's heart good to see you." yourself. Let me help you." The surly groom looked surlier still at this, but The young lady, who had been coyly affecting not not sufficiently so to produce any effect upon Sam, to know that a gentleman was so near, turned round who immediately inquired, with a countenance of as Sam spoke-no doubt (indeed she said so, aftergreat anxiety, whether his master's name was not ward) to decline this offer from a perfect strangerWalker. when, instead of speaking, she started back, and ut"No, it ain't," said the groom. tered a half-suppressed scream. Sam was scarcely "Nor Brown, I s'pose?" said Sam. less staggered, for in the countenance of the well"No, it ain't." shaped female servant he beheld the very features "Nor Vilson?" of his Valentine, the pretty house-maid from Mr. "No; nor that neither," said the groom. Nupkins's. "Vell," replied Sam, " then I'm mistaken, and he "Wy, Mary my dear!" said Sam. hasn't got the honor o' my acquaintance, which I "Lauk, Mr. Weller," said Mary, "how you do thought he had. Don't wait here out o' compliment frighten one!" to me," said Sam, as the groom wheeled in the bar- Sam made no verbal answer to this complaint, nor row, and prepared to shut the gate. "Ease afore can we precisely say what reply he did make. We ceremony, old boy; I'll excuse you." merely know that after a short pause Mary said, "I'd knock your head off for half a crown," said "Lor do adun, Mr. Weller!" and that his hat had the surly groom, bolting one-half of the gate. fallen off a few moments before-from both of which " Couldn't afford to have it done on those terms," tokens we should be disposed to infer that one kiss rejoined Sam. " It'ud be worth a life's board vages or more had passed between the parties. at least, to you, and'ud be cheap at that. Make my " Why, how did youcome here?" said Mary, when compliments indoors. Tell'em not to vait dinner the conversation to which this interruption had been for me, and say they needn't mind puttin' any by, offered was resumed. for it'll be cold afore I come in." "' course I came to look arter you, my darlin'," In reply to this, the groom waxing very wroth, replied Mr. Weller; for once permitting his passion muttered a desire to damage somebody's person; to get the better of his veracity. but disappeared without carrying it into execution, "And how did you know I was here?" inquired slamming the door angrily after him, and wholly Mary. "Who could have told you that I took anunheeding Sam's affectionate request that he would other service at Ipswich, and that they afterward leave him a lock of his hair before he went. moved all the way here? Who could have told you Sam continued to sit on the large stone, meditating that, Mr. Weller?" 234 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Ah to be sure," said Sam with a cunning look, "Miss who?" said Mary, in great astonishment. " that's the pint. Who could ha' told me?" "Miss Arabella Allen," said Sam. "It wasn't Mr. Muzzle, was it?" inquired Mary. "Goodness gracious!" said Mary, pointing to the "Oh no," replied Sam, with a solemn shake of the garden door which the sulky groom had locked after head, "it warn't him." him. " Why, it's that very house; she's been living " It must have been the cook," said Mary. there these six weeks. Their upper house-maid, "0' course it must," said Sam. which is lady's maid too, told me all about it over "Well, I never heard the like of that!" exclaimed the wash-house palin's before the family was out of Mary. bed, one mornin'." "No more did I," said Sam. "But Mary, my "Wot, the wery next door to you?" said Sam. dear:" here Sam's manner grew extremely affection- " The very next," replied Mary. ate: " Mary, my dear, I've got another affair in hand Mr. Weller was so deeply overcome on receiving as is wery pressin'. There's one o' my governor's this intelligence that he found it absolutely necessafriends-Mr. Winkle, you remember him." ry to cling to his fair informant for support; and " Him in the green coat?" said Mary. " Oh yes, I divers little love passages had passed between them, remember him." before he was sufficiently collected to return to the " Well," said Sam," he's in a horrid state o' love; subject. reg'larly comfoozled, and done over with it." "Vell," said Sam at length, "if this don't beat INN' "LOB DO ADUN, MR. WELLE!" " Lor!" interposed Mary. cock-fightin', nothin' never vill, as the Lord Mayor "Yes," said Sam: "but that's nothin' if we could said, ven the chief secretary o' state proposed his find out the young'ooman;" and here Sam, with missis's health arter dinner. That wery next house! many digressions upon the personal beauty of Mary, Wy, I've got a message to her as I've been a-tryin' and the unspeakable tortures he had experienced all day to deliver." since he last saw her, gave a faithful account of Mr. "Ah," said Mary, "but you can't deliver it now, Winkle's present predicament. because she only walks in the garden in the evening, " Well," said Mary, " I never did!" and then only for a very little time; she never goes " O' course not," said Sam," and nobody never did, out without the old lady." nor never vill neither; and here am I a-walkin' Sam ruminated for a few moments, and finally hit about like the wanderin' Jew-a sportin' character upon the following plan of operations: that he you have perhaps heerd on, Mary, my dear, as wos should return just at dusk-the time at which Araalvays doin' a match agin time, and never vent to bella invariably took her walk-and, being admitted sleep-looking arter this here Miss Arabella Allen." by Mary into the garden of the house to which she MR. WELLER UP A TREE. 235 belonged, would contrive to scramble, up the wall as he could reduce himself to, " only me, miss, only beneath the overhanging boughs of a large pear-tree, me." which would effectually screen him from observa- "Mr. Pickwick's servant," said Arabella, earnesttion; would there deliver his message, and arrange, ly. if possible, an interview on behalf of Mr. Winkle for "The wery same, miss," replied Sam. " Here's Mr. the ensuing evening at the same hour. Having made Vinkle reg'larly sewed up vith desperation, miss." this arrangement with great dispatch, he assisted "Ah!" said Arabella, drawing nearer the wall. Mary in the long-deferred occupation of shaking the "Ah, indeed," said Sam. "Ve thought ve should carpets. ha' been obliged to straight-veskit him last night; It is not half as innocent a thing as it looks, that he's been a-ravin' all day; and he says if he can't shaking little pieces of carpet-at least, there may see you afore to-morrow night's over, he vishes he be no great harm in the shaking, but the folding is may be somethin'-unpleasanted if he don't drownd a very insidious process. So long as the shaking hisself." lasts, and the two parties are kept the carpet's length "Oh no, no, Mr. Weller!" said Arabella, clasping apart, it is as innocent an amusement as can well be her hands. devised; but when the folding begins, and the dis- " That's wot he says, miss," replied Sam. "He's a tance between them gets gradually lessened from man of his word, and it's my opinion he'll do it, miss. one-half its former length to a quarter, and then to He's heerd all about you from the Sawbones in baran eighth, and then to a sixteenth, anduthen to a nacles." thirty-second, if the carpet be long enough, it be- " From my brother!" said Arabella, having some comes dangerous. We do not know to a nicety how faint recognition of Sam's description. many pieces of carpet were folded in this instance, " I don't rightly know which is your brother, miss," but we can venture to state that as many pieces as replied Sam. " Is it the dirtiest vun o' the two?" there were, so many times did Sam kiss the pretty " Yes, yes, Mr. Weller," returned Arabella, " go on. house-maid. Make haste, pray." Mr. Weller regaled himself with moderation at "Well, miss," said Sam, " he's heerd all about it the nearest tavern until it was nearly dusk, and then from him; and it's the gov'nor's opinion that if you returned to the lane without the thoroughfare. Hav- don't see him wery quick, the Sawbones as we've ing been admitted into the garden by Mary, and been a-speaking on'ull get as much extra lead in his having received from that lady sundry admonitions head as'll damage the dewelopment o' the orgins if concerning the safety of his limbs and neck, Sam they ever put it in spirits artervards." mounted into the pear-tree, to wait until Arabella "Oh, what can I do to prevent these dreadful quarshould come in sight. rels!" exclaimed Arabella. He waited so long without this anxiously-expect- "It's the suspicion of a priory'tachment as is the ed event occurring, that he began to think it was not cause of it all," replied Sam. " You'd better see him, going to take place at all, when he heard light foot- miss." steps upon the gravel, and immediately afterward "But how?-where?" cried Arabella. "I dare not beheld Arabella walking pensively down the gar- leave the house alone. My brother is so unkind, so den. As soon as she came nearly below the tree, Sam unreasonable! I know how strange my talking thus began, by way of gently indicating his presence, to to you must appear, Mr. Weller, but I am very, very make sundry diabolical noises similar to those which unhappy-" and here poor Arabella wept so bitterly, would probably be natural to a person of middle age that Sam grew chivalrous. who had been afflicted with a combination of inflam- " It may seem very strange talkin' to me about matory sore throat, croup, and hooping-cough, from these here affairs, miss," said Sam, with great vehehis earliest infancy. mence: " but all I can say is, that I'm not only ready Upon this, the young lady cast a hurried glance but villin' to do any thin' as'll make matters agreetoward the spot from whence the dreadful sounds able; and if chuckin' either o' them Sawboneses out proceeded; and her previous alarm being not at all o' winder'ull do it, I'm the man." As Sam Weller diminished when she saw a man among the branches, said this, he tucked up his wristbands, at the immishe would most certainly have decamped and alarm- nent hazard of falling off the wall in so doing,,to ined the house, had not fear fortunately deprived her timate his readiness to set to work immediately. of the power of moving, and caused her to sink down Flattering as these professions of good feeling on a garden seat which happened by good luck to be were, Arabella resolutely declined (most unaccountnear at hand. ably as Sam thought) to avail herself of them. For " She's agoin' off," soliloquized Sam in great per- some time she strenuously refused to grant Mr. Winplexity. " Wot a thing it is, as these here young cree- kle the interview Sam had so pathetically requestturs will go a-faintin' avay just wen they oughtn't ed; but at length, when the conversation threatento. Here, young'ooman, Miss Sawbones, Mrs.Vin- ed to be interrupted by the unwelcome arrival of a kle, don't!" third party, she hurriedly gave him to understand, Whether it was the magic of Mr. Winkle's name, with many professions of gratitude, that it was bareor the coolness of the open air, or some recollection ly possible she might be in the garden an hour later, of Mr. Weller's voice, that revived Arabella, matters next evening. Sam understood this perfectly well; not. She raised her head, and languidly inquired and Arabella bestowing upon him one of her sweetest "Who's that, and what do you want?" smiles, tripped gracefully away, leaving Mr. Weller "Hush," said Sam, swinging himself on to the in a state of very great admiration of her charms, wall, and crouching there in as small a compass both personal and mental. 236 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Having descended in safety from the wall, and not Down the lane they went, and dark enough it was. forgotten to devote a few moments to his own par- Mr. Pickwick brought out the lantern once or twice, ticular business in the same department, Mr. Weller as they groped their way along, and threw a very then made the best of his way back to the Bush, brilliant little tunnel of light before them about a where his prolonged absence had occasioned much foot in diameter. It was very pretty to look at, but speculation and some alarm. seemed to have the effect of rendering surrounding "We must be careful," said Mr. Pickwick, after objects rather darker than before. listening attentively to Sam's tale, " not for our own At length they arrived at the large stone. Here sakes, but for that of the young lady. We must be Sam recommended his master and Mr. Winkle to very cautious." seat themselves, while he reconnoitred, and ascer" We!" said Mr. Winkle, with marked emphasis. tained whether Mary was yet in waiting. Mr. Pickwick's momentary look of indignation at After an absence of five or ten minutes, Sam rethe tone of this remark, subsided into his character- turned, to say that the gate was opened, and all istic expression of benevolence, as he replied: quiet. Following him with stealthy tread, Mr. Pick"We, sir! I shall accompany you." wick and Mr. Winkle soon found themselves in the "You!" said Mr. Winkle. garden. Here every body said " Hush!" a good "I," replied Mr. Pickwick, mildly. " In affording many times; and that being done, no one seemed to you this interview, the young lady has taken a nat- have any very distinct apprehension of what was to ural, perhaps, but still a very imprudent step. If I be done next. am present at the meeting, a mutual friend, who is "Is Miss Allen in the garden yet, Mary?" inquired old enough to be the father of both parties, the Mr. Winkle, much agitated. voice of calumny can never be raised against her "I don't know, sir," replied the pretty house-maid. hereafter." "The best thing to be done, sir, will be for Mr. WelMr. Pickwick's eyes lightened with honest exulta- ler to give you a hoist up into the tree, and perhaps tion at his own foresight, as he spoke thus. Mr. Mr. Pickwick will have the goodness to see that noWinkle was touched by this little trait of his deli- body comes up the lane, while I watch at the other cate respect for the young protegee of his friend, and end of the garden. Goodness gracious, what's that!" took his hand with a feeling of regard akin to ven- " That'ere blessed lantern'ull be the death on us eration. all," exclaimed Sam, peevishly. "Take care wot "You shall go," said Mr. Winkle. you're a-doin' on, sir; you're a-sendin' a blaze o' "I will," said Mr. Pickwick. "Sam, have my light right into the back parlor winder." great-coat and shawl ready, and order a conveyance "Dear me!" said Mr. Pickwick, turning hastily to be at the door to-morrow evening, rather earlier aside, "I didn't mean to do that." than is absolutely necessary, in order that we may "Now it's in the next house, sir," remonstrated be in good time." Sam. Mr. Weller touched his hat, as an earnest of his "Bless my heart!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, turnobedience, and withdrew to make all needful prep- ing round again. arations for the expedition. "Now it's in the stable, and they'll think the The coach was punctual to the time appointed; place is afire," said Sam. "Shut it up, sir, can't and Mr. Weller, after duly installing Mr. Pickwick you?" and Mr. Winkle inside, took his seat on the box by "It's the most extraordinary lantern I ever met the driver. They alighted, as had been agreed on, with in all my life!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, greatabout a quarter of a mile from the place of rendez- ly bewildered by the effe6ts he had'so unintentionvous, and desiring the coachman to await their re- ally produced. "I never saw such a powerful return, proceeded the remaining distance on foot. fiector." It was at this stage of the undertaking that Mr. "It'll be vun too powerful for us, if you keep Pickwick, with many smiles and various other indi- blazin' avay in that manner, sir," replied Sam, as cations of great self-satisfaction, produced from one Mr. Pickwick, after various unsuccessful efforts, of his coat-pockets a dark lanteru, with which he managed to close the slide. "There's the young had specially provided himself for the occasion, and lady's footsteps. Now, Mr. Vinkle, sir, up vith you." the great mechanical beauty of which, he proceeded "Stop, stop!" said Mr. Pickwick, "I must speak to explain to Mr. Winkle as they walked along, to to her first. Help me up, Sam." the no small surprise of the few stragglers they met. " Gently, sir," said Sam, planting his head against "I should have been the better for something of the wall, and making a platform of fis back. " Step this kind, in my last garden expedition at night; atop o' that'ere flower-pot, sir. Now, then, up vith eh, Sam?" said Mr. Pickwick, looking good-humor- you." edly round at his follower, who was trudging behind. " I'm afraid I shall hurt you, Sam," said Mr. Pick"Wery nice things, if they're managed properly, wick. sir," replied Mr. Weller; "but when you don't want "Never mind me, sir," replied Sam. " Lend him to be seen, I think they're more useful arter the can- a hand, Mr. Vinkle, sir. Steady, sir, steady! That's die's gone out than wen it's alight." the time o' day!" Mr. Pickwick appeared struck by Sam's remarks, As Sam spoke, Mr. Pickwick, by exertions almost for he put the lantern into his pocket again, and supernatural in a gentleman of his years and weight, they walked on in silence. contrived to get upon Sam's back; and Sam gently " Down here, sir," said Sam. "Let me lead the raising himself up, and Mr. Pickwick holding on fast way. This is the lane, sir." by the top of the wall, while Mr. Winkle clasped him ARMED WITH A DARK LANTERN. 237 tight by the legs, they contrived by these means to to you for your kindness and consideration," replied bring his spectacles just above the level of the cop- Arabella, drying her tears with her handkerchief. ing. She would probably have said much more, had not "My dear," said Mr. Pickwick, looking over the Mr. Pickwick's head disappeared with great swiftwall, and catching sight of Arabella, on the other ness, in consequence of a false step on Sam's shoulside, "don't be frightened, my dear, it's only me." der, which brought him suddenly to the ground. "Oh pray go away, Mr. Pickwick," said Arabella. He was up again in an instant, however, and bid"Tell them all to go away. I am so dreadfully ding Mr. Winkle make haste and get the interview frightened. Dear, dear Mr. Pickwick, don't stop over, ran out into the lane to keep watch, with all there. You'll fall down and kill yourself, I know the courage and ardor of youth. Mr. Winkle himyou will."' self, inspired by the occasion, was on the wall in a "Now, pray don't alarm yourself, my dear," said moment, merely pausing to request Sam to be careMr. Pickwick, soothingly. "There is not the least ful of his master. D3ON'T BE LONGER THAN YOU CAN 0ONVENIENTLY IHELP, SIR. YOU'RE RAYTHER HEAVY." cause for fear, I assure you. Stand firm Sam," said " I'll take care on him, sir," replied Sam. "Leave Mr. Pickwick, looking down. him to me." "All right, sir," replied Mr. Weller. "Don't be "Where is he? What's he doing, Sam?" inquired longer than you can conweniently help, sir. You're Mr. Winkle. rayther heavy."" Bless his old gaiters," rejoined Sam, looking out " Only another moment, Sam," replied Mr. Pick- at the garden door. " He's a-keepin' guard in the wick. "I merely wished you to know, my dear, lane vith that'ere dark lantern, like a amiable Guy that I should not have allowed my young friend to Fawkes! I never see such a fine creetur in my days. see you in this clandestine way, if the situation in Blessed if I don't think his heart must ha' been born which you are placed had left him any alternative; five-and-twenty year arter his body, at least!" and lest the impropriety of this step should cause Mr. Winkle staid not to hear the encomium upon you any uneasiness, my love, it may be a satisfaction his friend. He had dropped from the wall; thrown to you to know that I am present. That's all, my himself at Arabella's feet; and by this time was dear." pleading the sincerity of his passion with an elo"Indeed, Mr. Pickwick, I am very much obliged quence worthy even of Mr. Pickwick himself. K1ij~~~~f~~~i~~.:L'Ii,' ~i~,~,-j~ n~gg~l~ ~~-~IPB?~i~Sf~i ~~ -i~t Lji —~'i~t(i~tFSh I~(~#L~~~ "CIndleed, Mr. Pickwick, I am very much obliged quence worthy even of Mr. Pickwick himself. 238 THE PICKWICK CLUB. * While these things were going on in the open air, "Thank you, sir," said Pruffle. And down he an elderly gentleman of scientific attainments was went. seated in his library, two or three houses off, writ- But the scientific gentleman could not rest under ing a philosophical treatise, and ever and anon the idea of the ingenious treatise he had projected moistening his clay and his labors with a glass of being lost to the world, which must inevitably be claret from a venerable-looking bottle which stood the case if the speculation of the ingenious Mr. Prufby his side. In the agonies of composition, the el- fle were not stifled in its birth. He put on his hat derly gentleman looked sometimes at the carpet, and walked quickly down the garden, determined to sometimes at the ceiling, and sometimes at the wall; investigate the matter to the very bottom. and when neither carpet, ceiling, nor wall afforded Now, shortly before the scientific gentleman walkthe requisite degree of inspiration, he looked out of ed out into the garden, Mr. Pickwick had run down the window. the lane as fast as he could, to convey a false alarm In one of these pauses of invention, the scientific that somebody was coming that way; occasionally gentleman was gazing abstractedly on the thick drawing back the slide of the dark lantern to keep darkness outside, when he was very much surprised himself from the ditch. The alarm was no sooner by observing a most brilliant light glide through given, than Mr. Winkle scrambled back over the the air at a short distance above the ground, and wall, and Arabella ran into the house; the gardenalmost instantaneously vanish. After a short time gate was shut, and the three adventurers were makthe phenomenon was repeated, not once Qr twice, but ing the best of their way down the lane, when they several times: at last the scientific gentleman, lay- were startled by the scientific gentleman unlocking ing down his pen, began to consider to what natural his garden-gate. causes these appearances were to be assigned. " Hold hard!" whispered Sam, who was, of course, They were not meteors; they were too low. They the first of the party. " Show a light for just vun were not glow-worms; they were too high. They second, sir." were not will-o'-the-wisps; they were not fire-flies; Mr. Pickwick did as he was desired, and Sam, seethey were not fire-works. What could they be? ing a man's head peeping out very cautiously within Some extraordinary and wonderful phenomenon of half a yard of his own, gave it a gentle tap with his nature, which no philosopher had ever seen before; clenched fist, which knocked it, with a hollow sound, something which it had been reserved for him alone against thb gate. Having performed this feat with to discover, and which he should immortalize his great suddenness and dexterity, Mr. Weller caught name by chronicling for the benefit of posterity. Mr. Pickwick up on his back, and followed Mr. WinFull of this idea, the scientific gentleman seized his kle down the lane at a pace which, considering the pen again, and committed to paper sundry notes of burden he carried, was perfectly astonishing. these unparalleled appearances, with the date, day, " Have you got your vind back agin, sir," inquired hour, minute, and precise second at which they were Sam, when they had reached the end. visible; all of which were to form the data of a volu- "Quite. Quite now," replied Mr. Pickwick. minous treatise of great research and deep learning, " Then come along, sir," said Sam, setting his maswhich shouldastonishallthe atmospherical sages that ter on his feet again. "Come betveen, us sir. Not ever drew breath in any part of the civilized globe. half a mile to run. Think you're vinnin a cup, sir. He threw himself back in his easy-chair, wrapped Now for it." in contemplations of his future greatness. The mys- Thus encouraged, Mr. Pickwick made the very terious light appeared more brilliantly than before: best use of his legs. It may be confidently stated dancing, to all appearance, up and down the lane, that a pair of black gaiters never got over the crossing from side to side, and moving in an orbit as ground in better style than did those of Mr. Pickeccentric as comets themselves. wick on this memorable occasion. The scientific gentleman was a bachelor. He had The coach was waiting, the horses were fresh, the no wife to call in and astonish, so he rang the bell roads were good, and the driver was willing. The for his servant. whole party arrived in safety at the Bush before Mr. "Pruffle," said the scientific gentleman, " there is Pickwick had recovered his breath. something very extraordinary in the air to-night. "In with you at once, sir," said Sam, as he helped Did you see that?" said the scientific gentleman, his master out. "Don't stop a second in the street, pointing out of the window, as the light again be- arter that'ere exercise. Beg your pardon, sir," concame visible. tinned Sam, touching his hat as Mr. Winkle descend"Yes, I did, sir." ed. " Hope there warn't a priory'tachment, sir?" "What do you think of it, Pruffle " Mr. Winkle grasped his humble friend by the "Think of it, sir?" hand, and whispered in his ear, " It's all right, Sam; "Yes. You have been bred up in this country. quite right." Upon which Mr. Weller struck three What should you say was the cause of those lights, distinct blows upon his nose in token of intelligence, now?" smiled, winked, and proceeded to put the steps up, The scientific gentleman smilingly anticipated with a countenance expressive of lively satisfaction. Pruffie's reply that he could assign no cause for them As to the scientific gentleman, he demonstrated, at all. Pruffle meditated. in a masterly treatise, that these wonderful lights "I should say it was thieves, sir," said Pruffle at were the effect of electricity; and clearly proved length. the same by detailing how a flash of fire danced be" You're a fool, and may go down stairs," said the fore his eyes when he put his head out of the gate, scientific gentleman. and how he received a shock which stunned him for MR. WELLER STOPS THE WAY. 239 a quarter of an hour afterward; which demonstra- "Now, sir, wot's the matter!" replied Sam, returntion delighted all the Scientific Associations beyond ing the push with compound interest. measure, and caused him to be considered a light of "Come, none of this, my man; this won't do with science ever afterward. me," said the owner of the rough coat, raising his voice, and turning white. " Here, Smouch!" -— * — " Well, wot's amiss here?" growled the man in the brown coat, who had been gradually sneaking up the CHAPTER XL. court during this short dialogue. "Only some insolence of this young man's," said INTRODUCES MR. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UN- principal, giving Sam another push. the princilpal, giving Sam another push. INTERESTING SCENE IN THE GREAT DRAMA OF "Come, none o' this gammon," growled Smouch, LIFE. giving him another, and a harder one. THE remainder of the period which Mr. Pickwick This last push had the effect which it was intendhad assigned as the duration of the stay at Bath ed by the experienced Mr. Smouch to produce; for passed over without the occurrence of any thing while Sam, anxious to return the compliment, was material. Trinity Term commenced. On the expi- grinding that gentleman's body against the doorration of its first week, Mr. Pickwick and his friends post, the principal crept past, and made his way to returned to London; and the former gentleman, at- the bar: whither Sam, after bandying a few epithettended of course by Sam, straightway repaired to ical remarks with Mr. Smouch, followed at once. his old quarters at the George and Vulture. "Good-morning, my dear," said the principal, adOn the third morning after their arrival, just as dressing the young lady at the bar with Botany Bay all the clocks in the city were striking nine individ- ease, and New South Wales gentility; "which is ually, and somewhere about nine hundred and ninety- Mr. Pickwick's room, my dear?" nine collectively, Sam was taking the air in George "Show him up," said the bar-maid to a waiter, Yard, when a queer sort of fresh-painted vehicle without deigning another look at the exquisite, in drove up, out of which there jumped with great reply to his inquiry. agility, throwing the reins to a stout man who sat The waiter led the way up stairs as he was debeside him, a queer sort of gentleman, who seemed sired, and the man in the rough coat followed, with made for the vehicle, and the vehicle for him. Sam behind him: who, in his progress up the stairThe vehicle was not exactly a gig, neither was it case, indulged in sundry gestures indicative of sua stanhope. It was not what is currently denom- preme contempt and defiance, to the unspeakable inated a dog-cart, neither was it a taxed-cart, nor a gratification of the servants and other lookers-on. chaise-cart, nor a guillotined cabriolet; and yet it Mr. Smouch, who was troubled with a hoarse cough, had something of the character of each and every remained below, and expectorated in the passage. of these machines. It was painted a bright yellow, Mr. Pickwick was fast asleep in bed, when his with the shafts and wheels picked out in black; and early visitor, followed by Sam, entered the room. the driver sat, in the orthodox sporting style, on The noise they made in so doing awoke him. cushions piled about two feet above the rail. The "Shaving-water, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, from horse was a bay, a well-looking animal enough; but within the curtains. with something of a flash and dog-fighting air about " Shave you directly, Mr. Pickwick," said the vishim, nevertheless, which accorded both with the ve- itor, drawing one of them back from the bed's head. hide and his master. "I've got an execution against you, at the suit of The master himself was a man of about forty, with Bardell.-Here's the warrant.-Common Pleas.black hair, and carefully combed whiskers. He was Here's my card. I suppose you'll come over to my dressed in a particularly gorgeous manner, with house." Giving Mr. Pickwick a friendly tap on the plenty of articles of jewelry about him-all about shoulder, the sheriff's officer (for such he was) threw three sizes larger than those which are usually worn his card on the counterpane, and pulled a gold toothby gentlemen-and a rough great-coat to crown the pick from his waistcoat-pocket. whole. Into one pocket of this great-coat he thrust " Namby's the name," said the sheriff's deputy, as his left hand the moment he dismounted, while from Mr. Pickwick took his spectacles from under the pilthe other he drew forth with his right a very bright low, and put them on, to read the card. "Namby, and glaring silk handkerchief, with which he whisk- Rell Alley, Coleman Street." ed a speck or two of dust from his boots, and then, At this point, Sam Weller, who had had his eyes crumpling it in his hand, swaggered up the court. fixed hitherto on Mr. Namby's shining beaver, inIt had not escaped Sam's attention that, when terfered: this person dismounted, a shabby-looking man in a "Are you a quaker?" said Sam. brown great-coat shorn of divers buttons, who had " I'll let you know who I am, before I've done with been previously slinking about, on the opposite side you," replied the indignant officer. "I'll teach you of the way, crossed over, and remained stationary manners, my fine fellow, one of these fine mornings." close by. Having something more than a suspicion "Thankee," said Sam. "I'll do the same to you. of the object of the gentleman's visit, Sam preceded Take your hat off." With this, Mr. Weller, in the him to the George and Vulture, and, turning sharp most dexterous manner, knocked Mr. Namby's hat to round, planted himself in the centre of the door-way. the other side of the room: with such violence, that " Now, my fine fellow!" said the man in the rough he had very nearly caused him to swallow the gold coat, in an imperious tone, attempting at the same tooth-pick into the bargain. time to push his way past. "Observe.this, Mr. Pickwick," said the disconcerted 240 THE PICKWICK CLUB. officer, gasping for breath. "I've been assaulted in with a sallow face and harsh voice: evidently possessthe execution of my dooty by your servant in your ed of that knowledge of the world, and captivating chamber. I'm in bodily fear. I call you to witness freedom of manner, which is to be acquired in publicthis." house parlors, and at low billiard-tables. The third "Don't witness nothin', sir," interposed Sam. tenant of the apartment was a middle-aged man in a "Shut your eyes up tight, sir. I'd pitch him out o' very old suit of black, who looked pale and haggard, winder, only he couldn't fall far enough,'cause o' the and paced up and down the room incessantly, stopleads outside." ping, now and then, to look with great anxiety out "Sam," said Mr. Pickwick in an angry voice, as of the window as if he expected someb6dy, and then his attendant made various demonstrations of hos- resuming his walk. tilities, " if you say another word or offer the slight- "You'd better have the loan of my razor this mornest interference with this person, I discharge you ing, Mr. Ayresleigh," said the man who was stirring that instant." the fire, tipping the wink to his friend the boy. " But, sir!" said Sam. "Thank you, no, I sha'n't want it; I expect I shall "Hold your tongue," interposed Mr. Pickwick. be out in the course of an hour or so," replied the " Take that hat up again." other in a hurried manner. Then, walking again up But this Sam flatly and positively refused to do; to the window, and once more returning disappointand, after he had been severely reprimanded by his ed, he sighed deeply, and left the room; upon which master, the officer, being in a hurry, condescended to the other two burst into a loud laugh. pick it up himself: venting a great variety of threats "Well, I never saw such a game as that," said the against Sam meanwhile, which that gentleman re- gentleman who had offered the razor, whose name ceived with perfect composure: merely observing appeared to be Price. "Never!" Mr. Price confirmed that if Mr. Namby would have the goodness to put the assertion with an oath, and then laughed again, his hat on again, he would knock it into the latter when of course the boy (who thought his companion end of next week. Mr. Namby, perhaps thinking one of the most dashing fellows alive) laughed also. that such a process might be productive of incon- "You'd hardly think, would you now," said Price, venience to himself, declined to offer the temptation, turning toward Mr. Pickwick, " that that chap's been and soon after called up Smouch. Having informed here a week yesterday, and never once shaved himhim that the capture was made, and that he was to self yet, because he feels so certain he's going out in wait for the prisoner until he should have finished half an hour's time, that he thinks he may as well dressing, Namby then swaggered out, and drove put it off till he gets home?" away. Smouch, requesting Mr. Pickwick in a surly "Poor man!" said Mr. Pickwick. " Are his chances manner " to be as alive as he could, for it was a busy of getting out of his difficulties really so great?" time," drew up a chair by the door, and sat there "Chances be d-d," replied Price; "he hasn't half until he had finished dressing. Sam was then dis- the ghost of one. I wouldn't give that for his chance patched for a hackney-coach, and in it the trium- of walking about the streets this time ten years." virate proceeded to Coleman Street. It was fortu- With this Mr. Price snapped his fingers contemptnate the distance was short; for Mr. Smouch, besides uously, and rang the bell. possessing no very enchanting conversational pow- "Give me a sheet of paper, Crookey," said Mr. ers, was rendered a decidedly unpleasant compan- Price to the attendant, who in dress and general ion in a limited space, by the physical weakness to appearance looked something between a bankrupt which we have elsewhere adverted. grazier, and a drover in a state of insolvency, "and The coach having turned into a very narrow and a glass of brandy-and-water, Crookey, d'ye hear? dark street, stopped before a house with iron bars to I'm going to write to my father, and I must have all the windows; the door-posts of which were graced a stimulant, or I sha'n't be able to pitch it strong by the name and title of " Namby, Officer to the Sher- enough into the old boy." At this facetious speech, iffs of London:" the inner gate having been opened the young boy, it is almost needless to say, was fairby a gentleman who might have passed for a neglect- ly convulsed. ed twin brother of Mr. Smouch, and who was endow- "That's right," said Mr. Price. "Never say die. ed with a large key for the purpose, Mr. Pickwick All fun, ain't it?" was shown into the "coffee-room." "Prime!" said the young gentleman. This coffee-room was a front parlor: the principal "You've some spirit about you, you have," said features of which were fresh sand and stale tobacco- Price. "You've seen something of life." smoke. Mr. Pickwick bowed to the three persons ~ "I rather think I have!" replied the boy. He had who were seated in'it when he entered; and having looked at it through the dirty panes of glass in a bar dispatched Sam for Perker, withdrew into an obscure door. corner, and from thence looked with some curiosity Mr. Pickwick feeling not a little disgusted with upon his new companions. this dialogue, as well as with the air and manner of One of these was a mere boy of nineteen or twen- the two beings by whom it had been carried on, was ty, who, though it was yet barely ten o'clock, was about to inquire whether he could not be accommodrinking gin-and-water, and smoking a cigar: amuse- dated with a private sitting-room, when two or three ments to which, judging from his inflamed counte- strangers,of genteel appearance entered, at sight nance, he had devoted himself pretty constantly for of whom the boy threw his cigar into the fire, and the last year or two of his life. Opposite him, en- whispering to Mr. Price that they had come to " make gaged in stirring the fire with the toe of his right it all right" for him, joined them at a table in the boot, was a coarse, vulgar young man of about thirty, farther end of the room. MYSTERIO US STRANGERS. 241 It would appear, however, that matters were not Inn-one King's Bench, and one Common Pleasgoing to be made all right quite so speedily as the and a great deal of business appeared to be transactyoung gentleman anticipated; for a very long con- ing before them, if the number of lawyers' clerks versation ensued, of which Mr. Pickwick could not who were hurrying in and out with bundles of paavoid hearing certain angry fragments regarding dis- pers, afforded any test. When they reached the low solute conduct, and repeated forgiveness. At last, archway which forms the entrance to the Inn, Perthere were very distinct allusions made by the oldest ker was detained a few moments parleying with the gentleman of the party to one Whitecross Street, at coachman about the fare and the change; and Mr. which the young gentleman, notwithstanding his Pickwick, stepping to one side to be out of the way primeness and his spirit and his knowledge of life of the stream of people that were pouring in and into the bargain, reclined his head upon the table, out, looked about him with some curiosity. and howled dismally. The people that attracted his attention most were Very much satisfied with this sudden bringing three or four men of shabby-genteel appearance, down of the youth's valor, and this effectual lower- who touched their hats to many of the attorneys ing of his tone, Mr. Pickwick rang the bell, and was who passed, and seemed to have some business there, shown, at his own request, into a private room fur- the nature of which Mr. Pickwick could not divine. nished with a carpet, table, chairs, sideboard, and They were curious-looking fellows. One was a slim sofa, and ornamented with a looking-glass and vari- and rather lame man in rusty black, and a white ous old prints. Here he had the advantage of hear- neckerchief; another was a stout burly person dressing Mrs. Namby's performance on a square piano ed in the same apparel, with a great reddish-black overhead, while the breakfast was getting ready; cloth round his neck; a third was a little, weazen, when it came, Mr. Perker came too. drunken-looking body with a pimply face. They "Aha, my dear sir," said the little man, " nailed at were loitering about, with their hands behind them, last, eh? Come, come, I'm not sorry for it either, and now and then with an anxious countenance because now you'll see the absurdity of this conduct. whispered something in the ear of some of the genI've noted down the amount of the taxed costs and tlemen with papers, as they hurried by. Mr. Pickdamages for which the ca-sa was issued, and we had wick remembered to have very often observed them better settle at once and lose no time. Namby is lounging under the archway when he had been walkcome home by this time, I dare say. What say you, ing past; and his curiosity was quite excited to know my dear sir? Shall I draw a check, or will you " to what branch of the profession these dingy-looking The little man rubbed his hands with affected cheer- loungers could possibly belong. fulness as he said this, but glancing at Mr.Pickwick's He was about to propound the question to Namcountenance, could not forbear at the same time cast- by, who kept close beside him, sucking a large gold ing a desponding look toward Sam Weller. ring on his little finger, when Perker bustled up, "Perker," said Mr. Pickwick, "let me hear no more and observing that there was no time to lose, led of this, I beg. I see no advantage in staying here, so the way into the Inn. As Mr. Pickwick followed, I shall go to prison to-night." the lame man stepped up to him, and civilly touch" You can't go to Whitecross Street, my dear sir," ing his hat, heid out a written card, which Mr. Picksaid Perker. "Impossible! There are sixty beds in wick, not wishing to hurt the man's feelings by rea ward; and the bolt's on sixteen hours out of the fusing, courteously accepted and deposited in his four-and-twenty." waistcoat-pocket. I would rather go to some other place of confine- "Now," said Perker, turning round before he enment if I can," said Mr. Pickwick. "If not, I must tered one of the offices, to see that his companions make the best I can of that." were close behind him. "In here, my dear sir. "You can go to the Fleet, my dear sir, if you're Halloo, what do you want?" determined to go somewhere," said Perker. This last question was addressed to the lame man, "That'll do," said Mr. Pickwick. " I'll go there who, unobserved by Mr. Pickwick, made one of the directly I have finished my breakfast." party. In reply to it, the lame man touched his hat "Stop, stop, my dear sir; not the least occasion again, with all imaginable politeness, and motioned for being in such a violent hurry to get into a place toward Mr. Pickwick. that most other men are as eager to get out of," said "No, no," said Perker, with a smile. "We don't the good-natured little attorney. "We must have want you, my dear friend, we don't want you." a habeas corpus. There'll be no judge at chambers "I beg your pardon, sir," said the lame man. till four o'clock this afternoon. You must wait till "The gentleman took my card. I hope you will then." employ me, sir. The gentleman nodded to me. I'll "Very good," said Mr. Pickwick, with unmoved be judged by the gentleman himself. You nodded patience. "Then we will have a chop here at two. to me, sir?' See about it, Sam, and tell them to be punctual." "Pooh,Pooh, nonsense. You didn't nod to any Mr. Pickwick remaining firm, despite all the re- body, Pickwick? A mistake, a mistake," said Permonstrances and arguments of Perker, the chops ap- ker. peared and disappeared in due course; he was then " The gentleman handed me his card," replied Mr. put into another hackney-coach, and carried off to Pickwick, producing it from his waistcoat-pocket. Chancery Lane, after waiting half an hour or so for "I accepted it, as the gentleman seemed to wish it Mr. Namby, who had a select dinner-party, and could -in fact I had some curiosity to look at it when I on no account be disturbed before. should be at leisure. I-" There were two judges in attendance at Sergeant's The little attorney burst into a loud laugh, and 16 242 THE PICKWICK CLUB. returning the card to the lame man, informing him tain that he was not in attendance without their it was all a mistake, whispered to Mr. Pickwick, as knowledge. the man turned away in dudgeon, that he was only For example. Leaning against the wall, close bea bail. side the seat Mr. Pickwick had taken, was an office"A what!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. lad of fourteen with a tenor voice; near him, a com"A bail," replied Perker. mon-law clerk with a bass one. "A bail!" A clerk hurried in with a bundle of papers, and "Yes, my dear sir-half a dozen of'em here. Bail stared about him. you to any amount, and only charge half a crown. "Sniggle and Blink," cried the tenor. Curious trade, isn't it?" said Perker, regaling him- "Porkin and Snob," growled the bass. self with a pinch of snuff. " Stumpy and Deacon," said the new-comer. "What! Am I to understand that these men Nobody answered; the next man who came in earn a livelihood by waiting about here, to perjure was hailed by the whole three; and he in his turn themselves before the judges of the land, at the rate shouted for another firm; and then somebody else of half a crown a crime!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, roared in a loud voice for another; and so forth. quite aghast at the disclosure. All this time, the man in the spectacles was hard "Why, I don't exactly know about perjury, my at work swearing the clerks: the oath being invadear sir," replied the little gentleman. "Harsh riably administered, without any effort at punctuaword, my dear sir, very harsh word indeed. It's a tion, and usually in the following terms: legal fiction, my dear sir, nothing more." Saying "Take the book in your right hand this is your which, the attorney shrugged his shoulders, smiled, name and hand-writing you swear that the contents took a second pinch of snuff and led the way into of this your affidavit are true so help you God a shilthe office of the judge's clerk. ling you must get change I haven't got it." This was a room of specially dirty appearance, "Well, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, "I suppose they with a very low ceiling and old panneled walls; are getting the habeas corpus ready." and so badly lighted, that although it was broad "Yes," said Sam, "and I vish they'd bring out the day outside, great tallow candles were burning on have-his-carcass. It's wery unpleasant keepin' us the desks. At one end was a door leading to the vaitin' here. I'd ha' got half a dozen have-his-carjudge's private apartment, round which were con- casses ready, pack'd up and all, by this time." gregated a crowd of attorneys and managing clerks, What sort of cumbrous and unmanageable mawho were called in in the order in which their re- chine, Sam Weller imagined a habeas corpus to be, spective appointments stood upon the file. Every does not appear; for Perker, at that moment, walked time this door was opened to let a party out, the up, and took Mr. Pickwick away. next party made a violent rush to get in; and, as in The usual forms having been gone through, the addition to the numerous dialogues which passed body of Samuel Pickwick was soon afterward conbetween the gentlemen who were waiting to see the fided to the custody of the tipstaff, to be by him judge, a variety of personal squabbles ensued be- taken to the Warden of the Fleet Prison, and there tween the greater part of those who had seen him, detained until the amount of the damages and costs there was as much noise as could well be raised in in the action of Bardell against Pickwick was fully an apartment of such confined dimensions. paid and satisfied. Nor were the conversations of these gentlemen "And that," said Mr. Pickwick, laughing, "will be the only sounds that broke upon the ear. Standing a very long time. Sam, call another hackney-coach. on a box behind a wooden bar at another end of the Perker, my dear friend, good-bye." room was a clerk in spectacles, who was "taking the " I shall go with you, and see you safe there," said affidavits:" large batches of which were, from time Perker. to time, carried into the private room by another "Indeed," replied Mr. Pickwick, "I would rather clerk for the judge's signature. There were a large go without any other attendant than Sam. As soon number of attorneys' clerks to be sworn; and it be- as I get settled, I will write and let you know, and ing a moral impossibility to swear them all at once, I shall expect you immediately. Until then, goodthe struggles of these gentlemen to reach the clerk bye." in spectacles were like those of a crowd to get in As Mr. Pickwick said this, he got into the coach at the pit door of a theatre when Gracious Majesty which had by this time arrived, followed by the tiphonors it with its presence. Another functionary staff. Sam having stationed himself on the box, it from time to time exercised his lungs in calling rolled away. over the names of those who had been sworn, for "A most extraordinary man that!" said Perker, as the purpose of restoring to them their affidavits af- he stopped to pull on his gloves. ter they had been signed by the judge, which gave "What a bankrupt he'd make, sir," observed Mr. rise to a few more scuffles; and all these things go- Lowten, who was standing near. "How he would ing on at the same time, occasioned as much bustle bother the commissioners! He'd set'em at defiance as the most active and excitable person could de- if they talked of committing him, sir." sire to behold. There were yet another class of per- The attorney did not appear very much delighted sons-those who were waiting to attend summonses with his clerk's professional estimate of Mr. Picktheir employers had taken out,which it was optional wick's character, for he walked away without deignto the attorney on the opposite side to attend or not ing any reply. -and whose business it was, from time to time, to The hackney-coach jolted along Fleet Street, as cry out the opposite attorney's name, to make cer- hackney-coaches usually do. The horses " went bet IN PRISON. 243 ter," the driver said, when they had any thing be- assembled, one after the other, if it were lawful and fore them (they must have gone at a most extraor- peaceable so to do. dinary pace when there was nothing), and so the At length the likeness was completed, and Mr. vehicle kept behind a cart; when the cart stopped, Pickwick was informed that he might now proceed it stopped; and when the cart went on again, it did into the prison. the same. Mr. Pickwick sat opposite the tipstaff; " Where am I to sleep to-night?" inquired Mr. and the tipstaff sat with his hat between his knees, Pickwick. whistling a tune, and looking out of the coach win- "Why, I don't rightly know about to-night," redow. plied the stout turnkey. "You'll be chummed on Time performs wonders. By the powerful old somebody to-morrow, and then you'll'be all snug and gentleman's aid, even a hackney-coach gets over comfortable. The first night's generally rather unhalf a mile of ground. They stopped at length, and settled, but you'll be set all squares to-morrow." Mr. Pickwick alighted at the gate of the Fleet. After some discussion, it was discovered that one The tipstaff, looking over his shoulder to see that of the turnkeys had a bed to let, which Mr. Pickhis charge was following close at his heels, preceded wick could have for that night. He gladly agreed Mr. Pickwick into the prison; turning to the left, to hire it. after they had entered, they passed through an open "If you'll come with me, I'll show it you at once," door into a lobby, from which a heavy gate opposite said the man. " It ain't a large'un; but it's an outto that by which they had entered, and which was and-outer to sleep in. This way, sir." guarded by a stout turnkey with the key in his hand, They passed through the inner gate, and descendled at once into the interior of the prison. ed a short flight of steps. The key was turned after Here they stopped, while the tipstaff delivered his them; and Mr. Pickwick found himself, for the first papers; and here Mr. Pickwick was apprised that he time in his life, within the walls of a debtor's prison. would remain, until he had undergone the ceremony, known to the initiated as " sitting for your portrait." "Sitting for my portrait!" said Mr. Pickwick. CHAPTER XLI. " Having your likeness taken, sir," replied the stout turnkey. "We're capital hands at likenesses here. WHAT BEFELL MR. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO Take'em in no time, and always exact. Walk in, THE LEET WHAT PRISONERS HE SAW THERE; AND HOW HE PASSED THE NIGHT. sir, and make yourself at home."AND H HE PASSED THE NIGHT Mr. Pickwick complied with the invitation, and HR. TOM ROKER, the gentleman who had acsat himself down; when Mr. Weller, who stationed IJI companied Mr. Pickwick into the prison, turnhimself at the back of the chair, whispered that the ed sharp round to the right when he got to the botsitting was merely another term for undergoing an tom of the little flight of steps, and led the way, inspection by the different turnkeys, in order that through an iron gate which stood open, and up anthey might know prisoners from visitors. other short flight of steps, into a long, narrow gal" Well, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, " then I wish the lery, dirty and low, paved with stone, and very dimartists would come. This is rather a public place." ly lighted by a window at each remote end. " They von't be long, sir, I des-say," replied Sam. "This," said the gentleman, thrusting his hands " There's a Dutch clock, sir." into his pockets, and looking carelessly over his " So I see," observed Mr. Pickwick. shoulder to Mr. Pickwick, " this here is the hall "And a bird-cage, sir," says Sam. "Veels vithin flight." veels, a prison in a prison. Ain't it, sir?" "Oh," replied Mr. Pickwick, looking down a dark As Mr. Weller made this philosophical remark, and filthy staircase, which appeared to lead to a Mr. Pickwick was aware that his sitting had com- range of damp and gloomy stone vaults beneath the menced. The stout turnkey having been relieved ground, "and those, I suppose, are the little cellars from the lock, sat down, and looked at him careless- where the prisoners keep their small quantities of ly from time to time, while a long thin man who had coals. Unpleasant places to have to go down to, relieved him thrust his hands beneath his coat-tails, but very convenient, I dare say." and planting himself opposite, took a good long view " Yes, I shouldn't wonder if they was convenient," of him. A third rather surly-looking gentleman, replied the gentleman, "seeing that a few people who had apparently been disturbed at his tea, for he live there, pretty snug. That's the Fair, that is." was disposing of the last remnant of a crust and but- "My friend," said Mr. Pickwiek," you don't really ter when he came in, stationed himself close to Mr. mean to say that human beings live down in those Pickwick, and, resting his hands on his hips, inspect- wretched dungeons?" ed him narrowly; while two others mixed with the "Don't I?" replied Mr. Roker, with indignant asgroup, and studied his features with most intent and tonishnient; "why shouldn't?" thoughtful faces. Mr. Pickwick winced a good deal "Live! Live down there f exclaimed Mr. Pickunder the operation, and appeared to sit very unea- wick. sily in his chair; but he made no remark to any body "Live down there! Yes, and die down there, too, while it was being performed, not even to Sam, wery often!" replied Mr. Roker; "and what of that? who reclined upon the back of the chair, reflecting, Who's got to say any thing agin it Live down partly on the situation of his master, and partly on there! Yes, and a wery good place it is to live in, the great satisfaction it would have afforded him to ain't it?" make a fierce assault upon all the turnkeys there As Roker turned somewhat fiercely upon Mr. Pick 244 THE PICKWICK CLUB. wick in saying this, and moreover muttered in an ex- "That's it," replied Mr. Roker, pointing to a very cited fashion certain unpleasant invocations concern- rusty one in a corner. " It would make any one go ing his own eyes, limbs, and circulating fluids, the to sleep, that bedstead would, whether they wanted latter gentleman deemed it advisable to pursue the to or not." discourse no further. Mr. Roker then proceeded to "I should think," said Sam, eying the piece of furmount another staircase, as dirty as that which led niture in question with a look of excessive disgust, to the place which had just been the subject of dis- "I should think poppies was nothing to it." cussion, in which ascent he was closely followed by "Nothing at all," said Mr. Roker. Mr. Pickwick and Sam. "And I s'pose," said Sam, with a sidelong glance "There," said Mr. Roker, pausing for breath when at his master, as if to see whether there were any they reached another gallery of the same dimensions symptoms of his determination being shaken by as the one below, "this is the coffee-room flight; what passed, "I s'pose the other gen'l'men as sleeps the one above's the third, and the one above that's here are gen'l'men." the top; and the room where you're agoing to sleep "Nothing but it," said Mr. Roker. "One of'em to-night is the warden's room, and it's this way- takes his twelve pints of ale a day, and never leaves come on." Having said all this in a breath, Mr. off smoking even at his meals." Roker mounted another flight of stairs, with Mr. " He must be a first-rater," said Sam. Pickwick and Sam Weller following at his heels. "A 1," replied Mr. Roker. These staircases received light from sundry win- Nothing daunted, even by this intelligence, Mr. dows placed at some little distance above the floor, Pickwick smilingly announced his determination to and looking into a graveled area bounded by a high test the powers of the narcotic bedstead for that brick wall, with iron chevaux-de-frise at the top. night; and Mr. Roker, after informing him that he This area, it appeared from Mr. Roker's statement, could retire to rest at whatever hour he thought was the racket-ground; and it further appeared, on proper, without any further notice or formality, the testimony of the same gentleman, that there was walked off, leaving him standing with Sam in the a smaller area in that portion of the prison which gallery. was nearest Farringdon Street, denominated and call- It was getting dark; that is to say, a few gas jets ed " the Painted Ground," from the fact of its walls were kindled in this place which was never light, having once displayed the semblances of various by way of compliment to the evening, which had set men-of-war in full sail, and other artistical effects in outside. As it was rather warm, some of the tenachieved in by - gone times by some imprisoned ants of the numerous little rooms which opened into draughtsman in his leisure hours. the gallery on either hand, had set their doors ajar. Having communicated this piece of information, Mr. Pickwick peeped into them as he passed along, apparently more for the purpose of discharging his with great curiosity and interest. Here four or five bosom of an important fact, than with any specific great hulking fellows, just visible through a cloud view of enlightening Mr. Pickwick, the guide, hav- of tobacco-smoke, were engaged in noisy and riotous ing at length reached another gallery, led the way conversation over half-emptied pots of beer, or playinto a small passage at the extreme end, opened a ing at all-fours with a very greasy pack of cards. door, and disclosed an apartment of an appearance In the adjoining room, some solitary tenant might by no means inviting, containing eight or nine iron be seen, poring, by the light of a feeble tallow-canbedsteads. die, over a bundle of soiled and tattered papers, yel"There," said Mr. Roker, holding the door open, low with dust, and dropping to pieces from age:. and looking triumphantly round at Mr. Pickwick, writing, for the hundredth time, some lengthened " there's a room!" statement of his grievances, for the perusal of some Mr. Pickwick's face, however, betokened such a great man whose eyes it would never reach, or whose very trifling portion of satisfaction at the appear- heart it would never touch. In a third, a man, with ance of his lodging, that Mr. Roker looked for a reci- his wife and a whole crowd of children, might be procity of feeling into the countenance of Samuel seen making up a scanty bed on.the ground, or upon Weller, who until now had observed a dignified si- a few chairs, for the younger ones to pass the night lence. in. And in a fourth, and a fifth, and a sixth, and a "There's a room, young man," observed Mr. Roker. seventh, the noise, and the beer, and the tobacco" I see it," replied Sam, with a placid nod of the smoke, and the cards, all came over again in greater head. force than before. "You wouldn't think to find such a room as this In the galleries themselves, and more especially in the Farringdon Hotel, would you?" said Mr. Ro- on the staircases, there lingered a great number of ker, with a complacent smile. people, who came there, some because their rooms To this Mr. Weller replied with an easy and un- were empty and lonesome, others because their studied closing of one eye; which might be consid- rooms were full and hot: the greater part because ered to mean, either that he would have thought it, they were restless and uncomfortable, and not posor that he would not have thought it, or that he had sessed of the secret of exactly knowing what to do never thought any thing at all about it: as the ob- with themselves. There were many classes of peoserver's imagination suggested. Having executed ple here, from the laboring man in his fustian jackthis feat, and reopened his eye, Mr. Weller proceeded et, to the broken-down spendthrift in his shawl to inquire which was the individual bedstead that dressing-gown, most appropriately out at elbows; Mr. Roker had so flatteringly described as an out- but there was the same air about them all-a listan-oiter to sleep in. less, jail-bird, careless swagger, a vagabondish who's THE POPULATION OF THE PLACE. 245 afraid sort of bearing, which is wholly indescribable making believe he warn't up to wot the little man in words, but which any man can understand in one wanted.'Bill,' says the little man, more abrupt moment if he wish, by setting foot in the nearest than afore,'I've got the fancy in my head. Let me debtor's prison, and looking at the very first group see the public streets once more afore I die; and if of people he sees there with the same interest as Mr. I ain't struck with apoplexy, I'll be back in five Pickwick did. minits by the clock.''And wot'ud become o' me if "It strikes me, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, leaning you wos struck with apoplexy?' said the turnkey. over the iron rail at the stairhead, "it strikes me,'Wy,' says the little creetur,'whoever found me,'ud Sam, that imprisonment for debt is scarcely any pun- bring me home, for I've got my card in my pocket, ishment at all." Bill,' he says,'No. 20, Coffee-room Flight:' and that "Think not, sir " inquired Mr. Weller. wos true, sure enough, for wen he wanted to make "You see how these fellows drink, and smoke, the acquaintance of any new-comer, he used to pull and roar," replied Mr. Pickwick. " It's quite impos- out a little limp card vith them words on it and sible that they can mind it much." nothin' else; in consideration of vich, he wos alvays "Ah, that's just the wery thing, sir," rejoined Sam, called Number Tventy. The turnkey takes a fixed "they don't mind it; it's a regular holiday to them- look at him, and at last he says in a solemn manner, all porter and skittles. It's the t'other vuns as gets'Tventy,' he says,'I'll trust you; you won't get your done over vith this sort o' thing: them down-heart- old friend into trouble.''No, my boy; I hope I've ed fellers as can't svig avay at the beer, nor play at somethin' better behind here,' says the little man; skittles neither; them as vould pay if they could, and as he said it he hit his little veskit wery hard, and gets low by being boxed up. I'll tell you wot and then a tear started out o' each eye, which wos it is, sir; them as is always a-idlin' in public-houses wery extraordinary, for it wos supposed as water it don't damage at all, and them as is alvays a-work- never touched his face. He shook the turnkey by in' wen they can, it damages too much.'It's une- the hand; out he vent-" kal,' as my father used to say wen his grog worn't "And never came back again," said Mr. Pickwick. made half-and-half:'it's unekal, and that's the fault " Wrong for vunce, sir," replied Mr. Weller, " for on it."' back he come, two minits afore the time, a-bilin' "I think you're right, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, with rage: sayin' how he'd been nearly run over by after a few moments' reflection, " quite right." a hackney-coach: that he warn't used to it: and he " P'raps, now and then, there's some honest peo- was blowed if he wouldn't write to the Lord Mayor. pie as likes it," observed Mr. Weller, in a ruminative They got him pacified at last; and for five years tone," but I never heerd o' one as I can call to mind, arter that, he never even so much as peeped out o''cept the little dirty-faced man in the brown coat; the lodge-gate." and that was force of habit." "At the expiration of that time he died, I sup"And who was he?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. pose," said Mr. Pickwick. "Wy, that's just the wery point as nobody never "No he didn't, sir," replied Sam. "He got a cuknow'd," replied Sam. riosity to go and taste the beer at a new public-house "But what did he do?" over the way, and it wos such a wery nice parlor, " Wy, he did wot many men as has been much that he took it into his head to go there every night, better know'd has done in their time, sir," replied wich he did for a long time, always comin' back Sam, "he run a match agin the constable, and vun reg'lar about a quarter of an hour afore the gate it." shut, wich wos all wery snug and comfortable. At "In other words, I suppose," said Mr. Pickwick, last he began to get so precious jolly, that he used "he got into debt." to forget how the time vent, or care nothin' at all "Just that, sir," replied Sam, "and in course o' about it, and he vent on gettin' later and later, till time he come here in consekens. It warn't much- vun night his old friend wos just a-shuttin' the gate execution for nine pound nothin', multiplied by five -had turned the key, in fact-wen he come up. for costs; but hows'ever here he stopped for seven-'Hold hard, Bill,' he says.'Wot, ain't you come teen year. If he got any wrinkles in his face, they home yet, Tventy?' says the turnkey,'I thought you was stopped up vith the dirt, for both the dirty face wos in long ago.''No I wasn't,' says the little man, and the brown coat wos just the same at the end o' vith a smile.'Well, then, I'll tell you wot it is, my that time as they wos at the beginnin'. He wos a friend,' says the turnkey, openin' the gate wery slow wery peaceful inoffendin' little creetur, and wos al- and sulky,'it's my'pinion as you've got into bad vays a-bustlin' about for somebody, or playin' rack- company o' late, which I'm wery sorry to see. Now, ets and never vinnin'; till at last the turnkeys they I don't wish to do nothing harsh,' he says,'but if got quite fond on him, and he wos in the lodge ev'ry you can't confine yourself to steady circles, and find night, a-chattering vith'em, and tellin' stories, and your vay back at reglar hours, as sure as you're all that'ere. Vun night he wos in there as usual, a-standin' there, I'll shut you out altogether!' The along vith a wery old friend of his as wos on the little man was seized vith a wiolent fit o' tremblin', lock, ven he says all of a sudden,'I ain't seen the and never vent outside the prison walls artervards!" market outside, Bill,' he says (Fleet Market wos there As Sam concluded, Mr. Pickwick slowly retraced at that time)-' I ain't seen the market outside, Bill,' his steps down stairs. After a few thoughtful turns he says,'for seventeen year.''I know you ain't,' in the Painted Ground, which, as it was now dark, says the turnkey, smoking his pipe.' I should like was nearly deserted, he intimated to Mr. Weller that to see it for a minit, Bill,' he says.' Wery probable,' he thought it high time for him to withdraw for the says the turnkey, smoking his pipe wery fierce, and night; requesting him to seek a bed in some adja 246 THE PICKWICK CLUB. cent public-house, and return early in the morning, away at it, Zephyr! I'm smothered if the Operato make arrangements for the removal of his mas- house isn't your proper hemisphere. Keep it up! ter's wardrobe from the George and Vulture. This Hooray!" These expressions, delivered in a most request Mr. Samuel Weller prepared to obey with boisterous tone, and accompanied with loud peals as good a grace as he could assume, but with a very of laughter, roused Mr. Pickwick from one of those considerable show of reluctance, nevertheless. He sound slumbers which, lasting in reality some halfeven went so far as to essay sundry ineffectual hints hour, seem to the sleeper to have been protracted regarding the expediency of stretching himself on for three weeks or a month. the gravel for that night; but finding Mr. Pickwick The voice had no sooner ceased than the room was obstinately deaf to any such suggestions, finally shaken with such violence that the windows rattled withdrew. in their frames, and the bedsteads trembled again. There is no disguising the fact that Mr. Pickwick Mr. Pickwick started up, and remained for some felt very low-spirited and uncomfortable; not for minutes fixed in mute astonishment at the scene belack of society, for the prison was very full, and a fore him. bottle of wine would at once have purchased the ut- On the floor of the room, a man in a broad-skirted most good-fellowship of a few choice spirits, without green coat, with corduroy knee-smalls and gray cotany more formal ceremony of introduction; but he ton stockings, was performing the most popular steps was alone in the coarse, vulgar crowd, and felt the of a hornpipe, with a slang and burlesque caricature depression of spirit and sinking of heart naturally of grace and lightness which, combined with the consequent on the reflection that he was cooped and very appropriate character of his costume, was inexcaged up, without a prospect of liberation. As to pressiblyabsurd. Anotherman, evidentlyvery drunk, the idea of releasing himself by ministering to the who had probably been tumbled into bed by his comsharpness of Dodson and Fogg, it never for an in- panions, was sitting up between the sheets, warbling stant entered his thoughts. as much as he could recollect of a comic song, with In this frame of mind he turned again into the the most intensely sentimental feeling and exprescoffee-room gallery, and walked slowly to and fro. sion; while a third, seated on one of the bedsteads, The place was intolerably dirty, and the smell of was applauding both performers with the air of a tobacco-smoke perfectly suffocating. There was a profound connoisseur, and encouraging them by such perpetual slamming and banging of doors as the ebullitions of feeling as had already roused Mr. Pickpeople went in and out; and the noise of their voices wick from his sleep. and footsteps echoed and re-echoed through the pas- This last man was an admirable specimen of a sages constantly. A young woman, with a child in class of gentry which never can be seen in full perher arms, who seemed scarcely able to crawl, from fection but in such places;-they may be met with, emaciation and misery, was walking up and down in an imperfect state, occasionally about stable-yards the passage in conversation with her husband, who and public-houses; but they never attain their full had no other place to see her in. As they passed bloom except in these hot-beds, which would almost Mr. Pickwick, he could hear the female sob; and seem to be considerately provided by the Legislature once she burst into such a passion of grief, that she for the sole purpose of rearing them. was compelled to lean against the wall for support, He was a tall fellow, with an olive complexion, while the man took the child in his arms, and tried long, dark hair, and very thick, bushy whiskers meetto soothe her. ing under his chin. He wore no neckerchief, as he Mr. Pickwick's heart was really too full to bear it, had been playing rackets all day, and his open shirtand he went up stairs to bed. collar displayed their full luxuriance. On his head Now, although the warden's room was a very un- he wore one of the common eighteen-penny French comfortable one (being, in every point of decoration skull-caps, with a gaudy tassel dangling therefrom, and convenience, several hundred degrees inferior to very happily in keeping with a common fustian coat. the common infirmary of a county jail), it had at His legs, which, being long, were afflicted with weakpresent the merit of being wholly deserted save by ness, graced a pair of Oxford-mixture trowsers, Mr. Pickwick himself. So he sat down at the foot made to show the full symmetry of those limbs. Beof his little iron bedstead, and began to wonder how ing somewhat negligently braced, however, and moremuch a year the warden made out of the dirty room. over, but imperfectly buttoned, they fell in a series Having satisfied himself, by mathematical calcula- of not the most graceful folds over a pair of shoes tion, that the apartment was about equal in annual sufficiently down at heel to display a pair of very value to the freehold of a small street in the suburbs soiled white stockings. There was a rakish, vagaof London, he took to wondering what possible temp- bond smartness, and a kind of boastful rascality, tation could have induced a dingy-looking fly that about the whole man, that was worth a mine of was crawling over his pantaloons, to come into a gold. close prison, when he had the choice of so many airy This figure was the first to perceive that Mr. Picksituations-a course of meditation which led him to wick was looking on; upon which he winked to the the irresistible conclusion that the insect was mad. Zephyr, and entreated him, with mock gravity, not After settling this point, he began to be conscious to wake the gentleman. that he was getting sleepy; whereupon he took his "Why, bless the gentleman's honest heart and night-cap out of the pocket in which he had had the soul!" said the Zephyr, turning round and affecting precaution to stow it in the morning, and, leisurely the extremity of surprise; " the gentleman is awake. undressing himself, got into bed, and fell asleep. Hem, Shakspeare! How do you do, sir? How is "Bravo! Heel over toe-cut and shuffle-pay Mary and Sarah, sir? and the dear old lady at home, MR. PICKWICK BELLIGERENT. 247 sir? Will you have the kindness to put my compli- him of a considerable portion of the commodity ments into the first little parcel you're sending that which sometimes bears his name, and then, recapturway, sir, and say that I would have sent'em before, ing his night-cap, boldly placed himself in an attionly I was afraid they might be broken in the wag- tude of defense. on, sir? "Now," said Mr. Pickwick, gasping no less from "Don't overwhelm the gentleman with ordinary excitement than from the expenditure of so much civilities when you see he's anxious to have some- energy, "come on —both of you- both of you!" thing to drink," said the gentleman with the whis- With this liberal invitation the worthy gentleman kers, with a jocose air. "Why don't you ask the communicated a revolving motion to his clenched gentleman what he'll take?" fists, by way of appalling his antagonists with a "Dear me, I quite forgot," replied the other. display of science. "What will you take, sir? Will you take port-wine, It might have been Mr. Pickwick's very unexpectsir, or sherry-wine, sir? I can recommend the ale, ed gallantry, or it might have been the complicated sir; or perhaps you'd like to taste the porter, sir? manner in which he had got himself out of bed, and Allow me to have the felicity of hanging up your fallen all in a mass upon the hornpipe man, that night-cap, sir." touched his adversaries. Touched they were; for,,'. t - V' \' i 7-,,.:/ dress from Mr. Pickwick's head, and fixed it in a mit manslaughter, as Mr. Pickwick implicitly betwinkling on that of the drunken man, who, firmly lieved they would have done, they paused, stared at impressed with the belief that he was delighting a each other a short time, and finally laughed outright. numerous assembly, continued to hammer away at " Well, you're a trump, and I like you all the betthe comic song in the most melancholy strains im- ter for it," said the Zephyr. " Now jump into bed aginable. again, or you'll catch the rheumatics. No malice, I Taking a man's night-cap from his brow by vi- hope?" said the man, extending a hand the size of olent means, and adjusting it on the head of an un- the yellow clump of fingers which sometimes swings known gentleman of dirty exterior, however ingen- over a glover's door. ious a witticism in itself, is unquestionably one of "Certainly not," said Mr. Pickwick with great those which come under the denomination of practi- alacrity; for, now that the excitement was over, he cal jokes. Viewing the matter precisely in this began to feel rather cool about the legs. light, Mr. Pickwick, without the slightest intimation "Allow me the honor," said the gentleman with of his purpose, sprang vigorously out of bed, struck the whiskers, presenting his dexter hand, and aspirathe Zephyr so smart a blow in the chest as to deprive ting the h. 248 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "With much pleasure, sir," said Mr. Pickwick; "You don't think there is any probability of his and having executed a very long and solemn shake, appropriating the money to his own use?" said Mr. he got into bed again. Pickwick. "My name is Smangle, sir," said the man with the "Oh no! Mind, I don't say that; I expressly say whiskers. that he's a devilish gentlemanly fellow," said Mr. "Oh," said Mr. Pickwick. Smangle. " But I think, perhaps, if somebody went "Mine is Mivins," said the man in the stockings. down just to see that he didn't dip his beak into the "I am delighted to hear it, sir," said Mr. Pickwick. jug by accident, or make some confounded mistake "Hem," coughed Mr. Smangle. in losing the money as he came up stairs, it would "Did you speak, sir?" said Mr. Pickwick. be as well. Here, you sir, just run down stairs, and "No, I did not, sir," said Mr. Smangle. look after that gentleman, will you?" "I thought you did, sir," said Mr. Pickwick. This request was addressed to a little, timid-lookAll this was very genteel and pleasant; and, to ing, nervous man, whose appearance bespoke great make matters still more comfortable, Mr. Smangle poverty, and who had been crouching on his bedassured Mr. Pickwick a great many times that he en- stead all this while, apparently stupefied by the novtertained a very high respect for the feelings of a elty of his situation. gentleman; which sentiment, indeed, did him infi- "You know where the coffee-room is," said Smannite credit, as he could be in nowise supposed to un- gle; "just run down, and tell that gentleman you've derstand them. come to help him up with the jug. Or-stop-I'll "Are you going through the Court, sir?" inquired tell you what-I'll tell you how we'll do him," said Mr. Smangle. Smangle, with a cunning look. "Through the what?" said Mr. Pickwick. " How?" said Mr. Pickwick. "Through the Court-Portugal Street-the Court "Send down word that he's to spend the change for the Relief of-you know." in cigars. Capital thought. Run and tell him that; "Oh no," replied Mr. Pickwick. " No, I am not." d'ye hear? They sha'n't be wasted," continued Sman"Going out, perhaps?" suggested Mivins. gle, turning to Mr. Pickwick. "I'll smoke em." "I fear not," replied Mr. Pickwick. "I refuse to This manoeuvring was so exceedingly ingenious, pay some damages, and am here in consequence." and, withal, performed with such immovable com"Ah," said Mr. Smangle, "paper has been my posure and coolness, that Mr. Pickwick would have ruin." had ho wish to disturb it, even if he had had the "A stationer, I presume, sir?" said Mr. Pickwick, power. In a short time Mr. Mivins returned, bearinnocently. ing the sherry, which Mr. Smangle dispensed in two "Stationer! No, no; confound and curse me! little cracked mugs: considerately remarking, with Not so low as that. No trade. When I say paper, reference to himself, that a gentleman must not be I mean bills." particular under such circumstances, and that, for " Oh, you use the word in that sense. I see," said his part, he was not too proud to drink out of the Mr. Pickwick. jug. In which, to show his sincerity, he forthwith " Damme! A gentleman must expect reverses," pledged the company in a draught which half empsaid Smangle. "What of that? Here am I in the tied it. Fleet Prison. Well; good. What then? I'm none An excellent understanding having been by these the worse for that, am I?" means promoted, Mr. Smangle proceeded to enter" Not a bit," replied Mr. Mivins. And he was quitqe tain his hearers with a relation of divers romantic right; for, so far from Mr. Smangle being any the adventures in which he had been from time to time worse for it, he was something the better, inasmuch engaged, involving various interesting anecdotes of as to qualify himself for the place, he had attained a thorough-bred horse and a magnificent Jewess, gratuitous possession of certain articles of jewelry both of surpassing beauty, and much coveted by the which long before that had found their way to the nobility and gentry of these kingdoms. pawnbroker's. Long before these elegant extracts from the biog"Well; but come," said Mr. Smangle; "this is raphy of a gentleman were concluded, Mr. Mivins had dry work. Let's rinse our mouths with a drop of betaken himself to bed, and had set in snoring for the burned sherry; the last-comer shall stand it, Mivins night, leaving the timid stranger and Mr. Pickwick shall fetch it, and I'll help to drink it. That's a fair to the full benefit of Mr. Smangle's experiences. and gentleman-like division of labor, anyhow. Curse Nor were the two last-named gentlemen as much me!" edified as they might have been, by the moving pasUnwilling to hazard another quarrel, Mr. Pickwick sages narrated. Mr. Pickwick had been in a state gladly assented to the proposition, and consigned of slumber for some time, when he had a faint perthe money to Mr. Mivins, who, as it was nearly elev- ception of the drunken man bursting out afresh with en o'clock, lost no time in repairing to the coffee- the comic song, and receiving from Mr. Smangle a room on his errand. gentle intimation, through the medium of the water" I say," whispered Smangle, the moment his friend jug, that his audience were not musically disposed. had left the room, " what did you give him?" Mr. Pickwick then once again dropped off to sleep, " Half a sovereign," said Mr. Pickwick. with a confused consciousness that Mr. Smangle was " He's a devilish pleasant, gentlemanly dog," said still engaged in relating a long story, the chief point Mr. Smangle; —" infernal pleasant. I don't know of which appeared to be that, on some occasion parany body more so; but-" Here Mr. Smangle stop- ticularly stated and set forth, he had " done" a bill ped short, and shook his head dubiously. and a gentleman at the same time. CLEAN CLOTHES. 249 CHAPTER XLII. tents of which appeared to impress him at once with a most favorable opinion, not only of Mr. Pickwick, ILLUSTRATIVE, LIKE THE PRECEDING ONE, OF THE 7 X ILLUSTRATIVE, LIKE TE REEDNG ONE, THE but of Sam also, who, he took an early opportunity OLD PROVERB THAT ADVERSITY BRINGS A MAN OLD PROVERB, THAT ADVERSITY BRINGS A MANof declaring in a tone of voice loud enough for that ACQUAINTED WITH STRANGE BED-FELLOWS. LIKE- eccentric personage to overhear, was a regular thorWISE CONTAINING MR. PICKWICK'S EXTRAORDINAWISE CONTAINING MR. PICKWICKS EXTRAORDINA-ough-bred original, and consequently the very man RY AND STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENT TO MR. SAM- after his own heart. As to Mr. Pickwick, the affecUEL WELLER. tion he conceived for him knew no limits. W HEN Mr. Pickwick opened his eyes next morn- "Now is there any thing I can do for you, my ing, the first object upon which they rested dear sir?" said Smangle. was Samuel Weller, seated upon a small black port- "Nothing that I am aware of, I am obliged to manteau, intently regarding, apparently in a condi- you," replied Mr. Pickwick. tion of profound abstraction, the stately figure of the " No linen that you want sent to the washer-womdashing Mr. Smangle: while Mr. Smangle himself, an's? I know a delightful washer-woman outside who was already partially dressed, was seated on that comes for my things twice a week; and, by his bedstead, occupied in the desperately hopeless Jove!-how devilish lucky!-this is the day she attempt of staring Mr. Weller out of countenance. calls. Shall I put any of those little things up with We say desperately hopeles, because Sam, with a mine? Don't say any thing about the trouble. comprehensive gaze which took in Mr. Smangle's Confound and curse it! if one gentleman under a cap, feet, head, face, legs, and whiskers, all at the cloud is not to put himself a little out of the way same time, continued to look steadily on, with ev- to assist another gentleman in the same condition, ery demonstration of lively satisfaction, but with no what's human nature?" more regard to Mr. Smangle's personal sentiments Thus spake Mr. Smangle, edging himself meanon the subject than he would have displayed had he while as near as possible to the portmanteau, and been inspecting a wooden statue, or a straw-embow- beaming forth looks of the most fervent and disineled Guy Faux. terested friendship. "Well; will you know me again?" said Mr. Sman- "There's nothing you want to give out for the gle, with a frown. man to brush, my dear creature, is there?" resumed "I'd svear to you anyveres, sir," replied Sam, Smangle. cheerfully. "Nothin' whatever, my fine feller," rejoined Sam, " Don't be impertinent to a gentleman, sir," said taking the reply into his own mouth. "P'raps if Mr. Smangle. vun of us wos to brush, without troubling the man, " Not on no account," replied Sam. " If you'll tell it'ud be more agreeable for all parties, as the schoolme wen he wakes, I'll be upon the wery best extra- master said wen the young gentleman objected to super behavior!" This observation, having a remote being flogged by the butler." tendency to imply that Mr. Smangle was no gentle- "And there's nothing that I can send in my little man, kindled his ire. box to the washer-woman's, is there?" said Smangle, "Mivins!" said Mr. Smangle, with a passionate air. turning from Sam to Mr. Pickwick, with an air of "What's the office?" replied that gentleman from some discomfiture. his couch. "Nothin' whatever, sir," retorted Sam; " I'm afeerd " Who the devil is this fellow?" the little box must be chock-full o' your own as it is." "'Gad," said Mr. Mivins, looking lazily out from This speech was accompanied with such a very under the bed-clothes, "I ought to ask you that. expressive look at that particular portion of Mr. Hasn't he any business here " Smangle's attire, by the appearance of which the "No," replied Mr. Smangle. skill of laundresses in getting up gentlemen's linen "Then knock him down stairs, and tell him not is generally tested, that he was fain to turn upon his to presume to get up till I come and kick him," re- heel, and, for the present, at any rate, to give up all joined Mr. Mivins; with this prompt advice, that ex- design on Mr. Pickwick's purse and wardrobe. He cellent gentleman again betook himself to slumber. accordingly retired in dudgeon to the racket-ground, The conversation exhibiting these unequivocal where he made a light and wholesome breakfast on symptoms of verging on the personal, Mr. Pickwick a couple of the cigars which had been purchased on deemed it a fit point at which to interpose. the previous night. "Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Mivins, who was no smoker, and whose ac"Sir," rejoined that gentleman. count for small articles of chandlery had also reach"Has any thing new occurred since last night?" ed down to the bottom of the slate, and been " car"Nothin' partickler, sir," replied Sam, glancing at ried over" to the other side, remained in bed, and, Mr. Smangle's whiskers; "the late prewailance of a in his own words, " took it out in sleep." close and confined atmosphere has been rayther fa- After breakfasting in a small closet attached to vorable to the growth of veeds, of an alarmin' and the coffee-room, which bore the imposing title of the sangvinary natur; but vith that'ere exception things Snuggery, the temporary inmate of which, in conis quiet enough." sideration of a small additional charge, had the un"I shall get up," said Mr. Pickwick; "give me speakable advantage of overhearing all the conversome clean things." sation in the coffee-room aforesaid; and after disWhatever hostile intentions Mr. Smangle might patching Mr. Weller on some necessary errands, Mr. have entertained, his thoughts were speedily divert- Pickwick repaired to the Lodge, to consult Mr. ed by the unpacking of the portmanteau; the con- Roker concerning his future accommodation. 250 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Accommodation, eh?" said that gentleman, con- steps it would be advisable to see, and hold personal sulting a large book. "Plenty of that, Mr. Pick- converse with, the three gentlemen with whom it vick. Your chummage ticket will be on twenty- was proposed to quarter him, he made the best of his seven, in the third." way to the third flight. "Oh," said Mr. Pickwick. "My what, did you After groping about in the gallery for some time, say?" attempting, in the dim light, to decipher the num"Your chummage ticket," replied Mr. Roker; bers oil the different doors, he at length appealed to " you're up to that?" a pot-boy, who happened to be pursuing his morning "Not quite," replied Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. occupation of gleaning for pewter. "Why," said Mr. Roker, " it's as plain as Salisbury. "Which is twenty-seven, my good fellow?" said You'll have a chummage ticket upon twenty-seven Mr. Pickwick. in the third, and them as is in the room will be your "Five doors further on," replied the pot-boy. chums." "There's the likeness of a man being hung, and "Are there many of them?" inquired Mr. Pick- smoking a pipe the while, chalked outside the door." wick, dubiously. Guided by this direction, Mr. Pickwick proceeded " Three," replied Mr. Roker. slowly along the gallery until he encountered the Mr. Pickwick coughed. "portrait of a gentleman" above described, upon "One of'em's a parson," said Mr. Roker, filling up whose countenance he.tapped with the knuckle of a little piece of paper as he spoke; "another's a his forefinger-gently at first, and then audibly. butcher." After repeating this process several times without " Eh?" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick., effect, he ventured to open the door and peep in. "A butcher," repeated Mr. Roker, giving the nib There was only one man in the room, and he was of his pen a tap on the desk to cure it of a disincli- leaning out of window as far as he could without nation to mark. "What a thorough-paced goer he overbalancing himself, endeavoring, with great perused to be, sure-ly! You remember Tom Martin, severance, to spit upon the crown of the hat of a Neddy?" said Roker, appealing to another man in personal friend on the parade below. As neither the lodge, who was paring the mud off his shoes speaking, coughing, sneezing, knocking, nor any with a five-and-twenty bladed pocket-knife. other ordinary mode of attracting attention, made "I should think so," replied the party addressed, this person aware of the presence of a visitor, Mr. with a strong emphasis on the personal pronoun. Pickwick, after some delay, stepped up to the win" Bless my dear eyes!" said Mr. Roker, shaking his dow, and pulled him gently by the coat-tail. The head slowly from side to side, and gazing abstract- individual brought in his head and shoulders with edly out of the grated windows before him, as if he great swiftness, and surveying Mr. Pickwick from were fondly recalling some peaceful scene of his ear- head to foot, demanded in a surly tone what thely youth; "it seems but yesterday that he whopped something beginning with a capital H-he wanted. the coal-heaver down Fox-under-the-Hill by the "I believe," said Mr. Pickwick, consulting his wharf there. I think I can see him now, a-coming ticket, "I believe this is twenty-seven in the third?" up the Strand between the two street-keepers, a lit- "Well?" replied the gentleman. tie sobered by the bruising, with a patch o' winegar " I have come here in consequence of receiving and brown paper over his right eyelid, and, that'ere this bit of paper," rejoined Mr. Pickwick. lovely bull-dog, as pinned the little boy arterwards, " Hand it over," said the gentleman. a-following at his heels. What a rum thing Time Mr. Pickwick complied. is, ain't it, Neddy?" "I think Roker might have chummed you someThe gentleman to whom these observations were where else," said Mr. Simpson (for it was the leg), addressed, who appeared of a taciturn and thought- after a very discontented sort of a pause. ful cast, merely echoed the inquiry; Mr. Roker, shak- Mr. Pickwick thought so also; but, under all the ing off the poetical and gloomy train of thought into circumstances, he considered it a matter of sound which he had been betrayed, descended to the com- policy to be silent. mon business of life, and resumed his pen. Mr. Simpson mused for a few moments after this, " Do you know what the third gentleman is?" in- and then, thrusting his head out of the window, gave quired Mr. Pickwick, not very much gratified by this a shrill whistle, and pronounced some word aloud description of his future associates. several times. What the word was, Mr. Pickwick "What is that Simpson,Neddy?" said Mr. Roker, could not distinguish; but he rather inferred that turning to his companion. it must be some nickname which distinguished Mr. "What Simpson?" said Neddy. Martin: from the fact of a great number of gentle"Why, him in twenty-seven in the third, that this men on the ground below immediately proceeding gentleman's going to be chummed on." to cry " Butcher!" in imitation of the tone in which "Oh, him!" replied Neddy: "he's nothing exactly. that useful class of society are wont, diurnally, to He was a horse chaunter: he's a leg now." make their presence known at area railings. "Ah, so I thought," rejoined Mr. Roker, closing Subsequent occurrences confirmed the accuracy the book, and placing the small piece of paper in of Mr. Pickwick's impression; for, in a few seconds, Mr. Pickwick's hands.'" That's the ticket, sir." a gentleman, prematurely broad for his years, clothed Very much perplexed by this summary disposition in a professional blue jean frock, and top-boots with of his person, Mr. Pickwick walked back into the circular toes, entered the room nearly out of breath, prison, revolving in his mind what he had better do. closely followed by another gentleman in very shabConvinced, however, that before he took any other by black and a seal-skin cap. The latter gentleman, LODGING FOUND AT LAST. 251 who fastened his coat all the way up to his chin by or gentlemen who are accustomed to act in unison, means of a pin and a button alternately, had a very has a very graceful and airy effect; its expression is coarse red face, and looked like a drunken chaplain; one of light and playful sarcasm. which, indeed, he was. "Can you!" repeated Mr. Martin, with a smile of These two gentlemen having by turns perused Mr. pity. Pickwick's billet, the one expressed his opinion that "Well, if I knew as little of life as that, I'd eat my it was " a rig," and the other his conviction that it hat and swallow the buckle whole," said the clerical was " a go." Having recorded their feelings in these gentleman. very intelligible terms, they looked at Mr. Pickwick "So would I," added the sporting one, solemnly. and each other in awkward silence. After this introductory preface, the three chums "It's an aggravating thing, just as we got the informed Mr. Pickwick in a breath that money was, beds so snug," said the chaplain, looking at three in the Fleet, just what money was out of it; that dirty mattresses, each rolled up in a blanket, which it would instantly procure him almost any thing he occupied one corner of the room during the day, and desired; and that, supposing he had it, and had no formed a kind of slab, on which were placed an old objection to spend it, if he only signified his wish to cracked basin, ewer, and soap-dish, of common yel- have a room to himself, he might take possession of low earthenware with a blue flower; "very aggra- one furnished and fitted to boot, in half an hour's vating." time. Mr. Martin expressed the same opinion in rather With this the parties separated, very much to stronger terms; Mr. Simpson, after having let a va- their common satisfaction: Mr. Pickwick once more riety of expletive adjectives loose upon society with- retracing hissteps to the lodge: and the three comout any substantive to accompany them, tucked up panions adjourning to the coffee-room, there to spend his sleeves, and began to wash the greens for dinner. the five shillings which the clerical gentleman had, While this was going on, Mr. Pickwick had been with admirable prudence and foresight, borrowed of eying the room, which was filthily dirty, and smelled him for the purpose. intolerably close. There was no vestige of either "I knowed it!" said Mr. Roker, with a chuckle, carpet, curtain, or blind. There was not even a when Mr. Pickwick stated the object with which he closet in it. Unquestionably there were but few had returned. "Didn't I say so, Neddy?" things to put away, if there had been one; but, how- The philosophical owner of the universal penknife ever few in number, or small in individual amount, growled an affirmative. still, remnants of loaves and pieces of cheese, and "I knowed you'd want a room for yourself, bless damp towels, and scrags of meat, and articles of you!" said Mr. Roker. "Let me see. You'll want wearing apparel, and mutilated crockery, and bel- some furnitur. You'll hire that of me, I suppose? lows without nozzles, and toasting-forks without That's the reg'lar thing." prongs, do present somewhat of an uncomfortable "With great pleasure," replied Mr. Pickwick. appearance when they are scattered about the floor "There's a capital room up in the coffee-room of a small apartment, which is the common sitting flight, that belongs to a Chancery prisoner," said and sleeping room of three idle men. Mr. Roker. " It'll stand you in a pound a week. I " I suppose this can be managed somehow," said suppose you don't mind that?" the butcher, after a pretty long silence. " What "Not at all," said Mr. Pickwick. will you take to go out?" "Just step there with me," said Roker, taking up "I beg your pardon," replied Mr. Pickwick. his hat with great alacrity; "the matter's settled " What did you say? I hardly understand you." in five minutes. Lord! why didn't you say at first "What will you take to be paid out?" said the that you was willing to come down handsome?" butcher. "The regular chummage is two- and-six. The matter was soon arranged, as the turnkey had Will you take three bob?" foretold. The Chancery prisoner had been there "-And a bender," suggested the clerical gentle- long enough to have lost friends, fortune, home, and man. happiness, and to have acquired the right of hav"Well, I don't mind that; it's only two-pence ing a room to himself. As he labored, however, unapiece more," said Mr. Martin. der the inconvenience of often wanting a morsel of "What do you say, now? We'll pay you out for bread, he eagerly listened to Mr. Pickwick's proposal three-and-sixpence a week. Come!" to rent the apartment, and readily covenanted and "And stand a gallon of beer down," chimed in Mr. agreed to yield him up the sole and undisturbed posSimpson. " There!" session thereof, in consideration of the weekly pay"And drink it on the spot," said the chaplain. ment of twenty shillings; from which fund he fur"Now!" thermore contracted to pay out any person or per"I really am so wholly ignorant of the rules of sons that might be chummed upon it. this place," returned Mr. Pickwick, "that I do not As they struck the bargain, Mr. Pickwick surveyyet comprehend you. Can I live anywhere else? I ed him with a painful interest. He was a tall, thought I could not." gaunt, cadaverdus man, in an old great-coat and At this inquiry Mr. Martin looked, with a counte- slippers, with sunken cheeks, and a restless, eager nance of excessive surprise, at his two friends, and eye. His lips were bloodless, and his bones sharp then each gentleman pointed with his right thumb and thin. God help him! the iron teeth of confineover his left shoulder. This action, imperfectly de- ment and privation had been slowly filing him down scribed in words by the very feeble term of "over for twenty years. the left," when performed by any number of ladies "And where will you live meanwhile, sir?" said 252 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Mr. Pickwick, as he laid the amount of the first Most of our readers will remember that, until within week's rent, in advance, on the tottering table. a very few years past, there was a kind of iron cage The man gathered up the money with a trembling in the wall of the Fleet Prison, within which was hand, and replied that he didn't know yet; he must posted some man of hungry looks, who, from time go and see where he could move his bed to. to time, rattled a money-box, and exclaimed in a "I am afraid sir," said Mr. Pickwick, laying his mournful voice, "Pray, remember the poor debtors; hand gently and compassionately on his arm; "I pray, remember the poor debtors." The receipts of am afraid you will have to live in some noisy, crowd- this box, when there were any, were divided among ed place. Now, pray, consider this room your own the poor prisoners; and the men on the poor side rewhen you want quiet, or when any of your friends lieved each other in this degrading office. come to see you." Although this custom has been abolished, and the "Friends!" interposed the man, in a voice which cage is now boarded up, the miserable and destitute rattled in his throat. " If I lay dead at the bottom condition of these unhappy persons remains the of the deepest mine in the world; tight screwed same. We no longer suffer them to appeal at the down and soldered in my coffin; rotting in the dark prison gates to the charity and compassion of the and filthy ditch that drags its slime along beneath passers-by; but we still leave unblotted in the the foundations of this prison; I could not be more leaves of our statute-book, for the reverence and adforgotten or unheeded than I am here. I am a dead miration of succeeding ages, the just and wholesome man; dead to society,without the pity they bestow law which declares that the sturdy felon shall be on those whose souls have passed to judgment. fed and clothed, and that the penniless debtor shall Friends to see me! My God! I have sunk, from be left to die of starvation and nakedness. This is the prime of life into old age, in this place, and there no fiction. Not a week passes over our heads, but, is not one to raise his hand above my bed when I lie in every one of our prisons for debt, some of these dead upon it, and say,'It is a blessing he is gone!' men must inevitably expire in the slow agonies of The excitement, which had cast an unwonted want, if they were not relieved by their fellow-prislight over the man's face while he spoke, subsided as oners. he concluded; and, pressing his withered hands to- Turning these things in his mind, as he mounted gether in a hasty and disordered manner, he shuffled the narrow staircase at the foot of which Roker had from the room. left him, Mr. Pickwick gradually worked himself to " Rides rather rusty," said Mr. Roker, with a smile. the boiling-over point; and so excited was he with " Ah! they're like the elephants. They feel it now his reflections on this subject, that he had burst into and then, and it makes'em wild!" the room to which he had been directed before he Having made this deeply-sympathizing remark, had any distinct recollection, either of the place in Mr. Roker entered upon his arrangements with such which he was, or of the object of his visit. expedition, that in a short time the room was fur- The general aspect of the room recalled him to nished with a carpet, six chairs, a table, a sofa bed- himself at once; but he had no sooner cast his eyes stead, a tea-kettle, and various small articles, on on the figure of a man who was brooding over the hire, at the very reasonable rate of seven-and-twen- dusty fire, than, letting his hat fall on the floor, he ty shillings and sixpence per week. stood perfectly fixed and immovable with astonish"Now, is there any thing more we can do for ment. you?" inquired Mr. Roker, looking round with great Yes; in tattered garments, and without a coat; satisfaction, and gayly chinking the first week's hire his common calico shirt yellow and in rags; his hair in his closed fist: hanging over his face; his features changed with "Why, yes," said Mr. Pickwick, who had been suffering, and pinched with famine, there sat Mr. musing deeply for some time. " Are there any peo- Alfred Jingle; his head resting on his hand, his eyes pie here who run on errands, and, so forth " fixed upon the fire, and his whole appearance deno" Outside, do you mean?" inquired Mr. Roker. ting misery and dejection! "Yes. I mean who are able to go outside. Not Near him, leaning listlessly against the wall, stood prisoners." a strong-built countryman, flicking with a worn-out "Yes, there is," said Roker. "There's an unfor- hunting-whip the top-boot that adorned his right tunate devil, who has got a friend on the poor side, foot: his left being (for he dressed by easy stages) that's glad to do any thing of that sort. He's been thrust into an old slipper. Horses, dogs, and drink running odd jobs, and that, for the last two months. had brought him there, pell-mell. There was a rusty Shall I send him?" spur on the solitary boot, which he occasionally "If you please," rejoined Mr. Pickwick. "Stay; jerked into the empty air, at the same time giving no. The poor side, you say? I should like to see the boot a smart blow, and muttering some of the it. I'll go to him myself." sounds by which a sportsman encourages his horse. The poor side of a debtor's prison is, as its name He was riding, in imagination, some desperate steeimports, that in which the most miserable and ab- ple-chase at that moment. Poor wretch! He never ject class of debtors are confined. A prisoner hav- rode a match on the swiftest animal in his costly ing declared upon the poor side, pays neither rent stud with half the speed at which he had torn along nor chummage. His fees, upon entering and leav- the course that ended in the Fleet. ing the jail, are reduced in amount, and he becomes On the opposite side of the room an old man was entitled to a share of some small quantities of food: seated on a small wooden box, with his eyes riveted to provide which, a few charitable persons have, on the floor, and his face settled into an expression from time to time, left trifling legacies in their wills. of the deepest and most hopeless despair. A young THE POOR SIDE. 253 girl-his little granddaughter-was hanging about "Every thing-Job's too-all shirts gone-never him, endeavoring, with a thousand childish devices, mind-saves washing. Nothing soon-lie in bedto engage his attention; but the old man neither starve-die-inquest-little bone-house-poor prissaw nor heard her. The voice that had been music oner-common necessaries-hush it up-gentlemen to him, and the eyes that had been light, fell coldly of the jury-warden's tradesmen-keep it snugon his senses. His limbs were shaking with disease, natural death-coroner's order-work-house funeral and the palsy had fastened on his ifind. -serve him right-all over-drop the curtain." There were two or three other men in the room, Jingle delivered this singular summary of his congregated in a little knot, and noisily talking prospects in life with his accustomed volubility, among themselves. There was a lean and haggard and with various twitches of the countenance to woman, too-a prisoner's wife-who was watering, counterfeit smiles. Mr. Pickwick easily perceived with great solicitude, the wretched stump of a dried- that his recklessness was assumed, and looking him up, withered plant, which, it was plain to see, could full, but not unkindly, in the face, saw that his eyes never send forth a green leaf again;-too true an were moist with tears. emblem, perhaps, of the office she had come there to "Good fellow," said Jingle, pressing his hand, and discharge. turning his head away. "Ungrateful dog-boyish Such were the objects which presented themselves to cry-can't help it-bad fever-weak-ill-hunto Mr. Pickwick's view, as he looked round him in gry. Deserved it all-but suffered much-very." amazement. The noise of some one stumbling has- Wholly unable to keep up appearances any longer, tily into the room roused him. Turning his eyes and perhaps rendered worse by the effort he had toward the door, they encountered the new-comer; made, the dejected stroller sat down on the stairs, and in him, through his rags and dirt, he recognized and, covering his face with his hands, sobbed like a the familiar features of Mr. Job Trotter. child. " Mr. Pickwick!" exclaimed Job aloud. "Come, come," said Mr. Pickwick, with consider" Eh?" said Jingle, starting from his seat. "Mr. able emotion, "we'll see what can be done when I --! So it is-queer place-strange thing-serves know all about the matter. Here, Job. Where is me right-very." Mr. Jingle thrust his hands into that fellow?" the place where his trowsers-pockets used to be, "Here, sir," replied Job, presenting himself on the and, dropping his chin upon his breast, sank back staircase. We have described him, by-the-by, as into his chair. having deeply-sunken eyes, in the best of times. In Mr. Pickwick was affected; the two men looked his present state of want and distress, he looked as so very miserable. The sharp involuntary glance if those features had gone out of town altogether. Jingle had cast at a small piece of raw loin of mut- "Here, sir," cried Job. ton, which Job had brought in with him, said more "-Come here, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, trying to of their reduced state than two hours' explanation look stern, with four large tears running down his could have done. Mr. Pickwick looked mildly at waistcoat. "Take that, sir." Jingle, and said: Take what? In the ordinary acceptation of such " I should like to speak to you in private. Will language, it should have been a blow. As the world you step out for an instant?" runs, it ought to have been a sound, hearty cuff; "Certainly," said Jingle, rising hastily. "Can't for Mr. Pickwick had been duped, deceived, and step far-no danger of overwalking yourself here- wronged by the destitute outcast who was now Spike park-grounds pretty-romantic, but not ex- wholly in his power. Must we tell the truth? It tensive-open for public inspection-family always was something from Mr. Pickwick's waistcoat-pockin town-housekeeper desperately careful-very." et, which chinked as it was given into Job's hand, "You have forgotten your coat," said Mr. Pick- and the giving of which, somehow or other, impartwick, as they walked out to the staircase, and closed ed a sparkle to the eye, and a swelling to the heart, the door after them. of our excellent old friend, as he hurried away. " Eh?" said Jingle. "Spout-dear relation-un- Sam had returned when Mr. Pickwick reached his cle Tom-couldn't help it-must eat, you know. own room, and was inspecting the arrangements that Wants of nature-and all that." had been made for his comfort with a kind of grim "What do you mean?" satisfaction which was very pleasant to look upon. "Gone, my dear sir-last coat-can't help it. Having a decided objection to his master's being Lived on a pair of boots-whole fortnight. Silk there at all, Mr. Weller appeared to consider it a umbrella-ivory handle-week-fact-honor-ask high moral duty not to appear too much pleased Job-knows it." with any thing that was done, said, suggested, or " Lived for three weeks upon a pair of boots, and proposed. a silk umbrella with an ivory handle!" exclaimed "Well, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Pickwick, who had only heard of such things in "Well, sir," replied Mr. Weller. shipwrecks, or read of them in " Constable's Miscel- "Pretty comfortable now, eh, Sam?" lany." "Pretty veil, sir," responded Sam, looking round "True," said Jingle, nodding his head. "Pawn- him in a disparaging manner. broker's shop-duplicates here-small sums-mere "Have you seen Mr. Tupman and our other nothing-all rascals." friends?" "Oh," said Mr. Pickwick, much relieved by this "Yes, I have seen'em, sir, and they're a-comin' toexplanation; "I understand you. You have pawned morrow, and wos wery much surprised to hear they your wardrobe." warn't to come to-day," replied Sam. 254 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "You have brought the things I wanted?" three, or four gentlemen in wigs, as the case may be, Mr. Weller in reply pointed to various packages with little writing-desks before them, constructed which he had arranged, as neatly as he could, in a after the fashion of those used by the judges of the corner of the room. land, barring the French polish. There is a box of " Very well, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, after a little barristers on their right hand; there is an inclosure hesitation; "listen to what I am going to say, Sam." of insolvent debtors on their left; and there is an in"Cert'nly, sir," rejoined Mr. Weller, "fire away, dined plane of most especially dirty faces in their sir." front. These gentlemen are the Commissioners of "I have felt from the first, Sam," said Mr. Pick- the Insolvent Court, and the place in which they sit wick, with much solemnity, "that this is not the is the Insolvent Court itself. place to bring a young man to." It is, and has been, time out of mind, the remark"Nor an old'un neither, sir," observed Mr. Weller. able fate of this Court to be, somehow or other, held "You're quite right, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick; and understood, by the general consent of all the "but old men may come here, through their own destitute shabby-genteel people in London, as their heedlessness and unsuspicion: and young men may common resort, and place of daily refuge. It is albe brought here by the selfishness of those they ways full. The steams of beer and spirits perpetuserve. It is better for those young men, in every ally ascend to the ceiling, and being condensed by point of view, that they should not remain here. the heat, roll down the walls like rain; there are Do you understand me, Sam?"more old suits of clothes in it at one time than will "Vy no, sir, I do NOT," replied Mr. Weller, dog- be offered for sale in all Houndsditch in a twelvegedly. month; more unwashed skins and grizzly beards "Try, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. than all the pumps and shaving-shops between Ty"Vell, sir," rejoined Sam, after a short pause, "I burn and Whitechapel could render decent between think I see your drift; and if I do see your drift, it's sunrise and sunset. my'pinion that you're a-comin' it a great deal too It must not be supposed that any of these people strong, as the mail-coachman said to the snow-storm have the least shadow of business in, or the remotest ven it overtook him." connection with, the place they so indefatigably at" I see you comprehend me, Sam," said Mr. Pick- tend. If they had, it would be no matter of surprise, wick. " Independently of my wish that you should and the singularity of the thing would cease. Some not be idling about a place like this for years to of them sleep during the greater part of the sitting; come, I feel that for a debtor in the Fleet to be at- others carry small portable dinners wrapped in pocktended by his man-servant is a monstrous absurdity. et-handkerchiefs or sticking out of their worn-out Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, "for a time, you must pockets, and munch and listen with equal relish; leave me." but no one among them was ever known to have the " Oh, for a time, eh, sir?" rejoined Mr. Weller, rath- slightest personal interest in any case that was ever er sarcastically. brought forward. Whatever they do, there they sit "Yes, for the time that I remain here," said Mr. from the first moment to the last. When it is heavy, Pickwick. "Your wages I shall continue to pay. rainy weather, they all come in, wet through; and Any one of my three friends will be happy to take at such times the vapors of the Court are like those you, were it only out of respect to me. And if I of a fungus-pit. ever do leave this place, Sam," added Mr. Pickwick, A casual visitor might suppose this place to be a with assumed cheerfulness, "if I do, I pledge you Temple dedicated to the Genius of Seediness. There my word that you shall return to me instantly." is not a messenger or process-server attached to it "Now I'll tell you wot it is, sir," said Mr. Weller, who wears a coat that was made for him; not a tolin a grave and solemn voice, " this here sort o' thing erably fresh, or wholesome-looking man in the whole won't do at all, so don't let's hear no more about it." establishment, except a little white-headed apple"I am serious, and resolved, Sam," said Mr. Pick- faced tipstaff, and even he, like an ill-conditioned wick. cherry preserved in brandy, seems to have artificial" You air, air you, sir?" inquired Mr. Weller, firm- ly dried and withered up into a state of preservation ly. "Wery good, sir. Then so am I." to which he can lay no natural claim. The very Thus speaking, Mr. Weller fixed his hat on his head barristers' wigs are ill- powdered, and their curls with great precision, and abruptly left the room. lack crispness. "Sam!" cried Mr. Pickwick, calling after him, But the attorneys, who sit at a large bare table "Sam! Here!" below the commissioners, are, after all, the greatest But the long gallery ceased to re-echo the sound curiosities. The professional establishment of the of footsteps. Sam Weller was gone. more opulent of these gentlemen consists of a blue bag and a boy: generally a youth of the Jewish per+ ~ —-^~ —-suasion. They have no fixed offices, their legal business being transacted in the parlors of public-houses CHAPTER XLIII. or the yards of prisons, whither they repair in crowds, and canvass for customers after the manner of omniSHOWING HOW MR. SAMUEL WELLER GOT INTO DIF- bus cads. They are of a greasy and mildewed apFICULTIES. pearance; and if they can be said to have any vices IN a lofty room, ill-lighted and worse ventilated, at all, perhaps drinking and cheating are the most situate in Portugal Street, Lincoln's Inn Fields, conspicuous among them. Their residences are usuthere sit nearly the whole year round, one, two, ally on the outskirts of "the Rules," chiefly lying MR. SOLOMON PELL. 255 within a circle of one mile from the obelisk in St. "Con-signed in a safe quarter," replied George, George's Fields. Their looks are not prepossessing, wringing the heads off half a dozen shrimps, and and their manners are peculiar. swallowing them without more ado. Mr. Solomon Pell, one of this learned body, was a "Wery good, wery good," said Mr. Weller. " A1fat, flabby, pale man, in a surtout which looked green vays see to the drag ven you go down hill. Is the one minute and brown the next: with a velvet col- vay-bill all clear and straight for'erd?". lar of the same chameleon tints., His forehead was "The schedule, sir," said Pell, guessing at Mr. narrow, his face wide, his head large, and his nose all Weller's meaning, " the schedule is as plain and saton one side, as if Nature, indignant with the propen- isfactory as pen and ink can make it." sities she observed in him in his birth, had given it Mr. Weller nodded in a manner which bespoke his an angry tweak which it had never recovered. Be- inward approval of these arrangements; and then, ing short-necked and asthmatic, however, he respired turning to Mr. Pell, said, pointing to his friend principally through this feature; so, perhaps, what George, it wanted in ornament, it made up in usefulness. "Ven do you take his cloths off?" "I'm sure to bring him through it," said Mr. Pell. "Why," replied Mr. Pell, " he stands third on the "Are you, though?" replied the person to whom opposed list, and I should think it would be his turn the assurance was pledged. in about half an hour. I told my clerk to come over "Certain sure," replied Pell; " but if he'd gone to and tell us when there was a chance." any irregular practitioner, mind you, I wouldn't have Mr. Weller surveyed the attorney from head to answered for the consequences." foot with great admiration, and said emphatically, "Ah!" said the other, with open mouth. "And what'll you take, sir?" "No, that I wouldn't," said Mr. Pell; and he "Why, really," replied Mr. Pell, "you're verypursed up his lips, frowned, and shook his head mys- Upon my word and honor, I'm not in the habit ofteriously. It's so very early in the morning, that, actually, I am Now the place where this discourse occurred was almost- Well, you may bring me three penn'orth the public-house just opposite to the Insolvent Court; of rum, my dear." and the person with whom it was held was no other The officiating damsel, who had anticipated the than the elder Mr. Weller, who had come there to cor- order before it was given, set the glass of spirits befort and console a friend whose petition, to be dis- fore Pell, and retired. charged under the act, was to be that day heard, and "Gentlemen," said Mr. Pell, looking round upon whose attorney he was at that moment consulting. the company, "success to your friend! I don't like "And vere is George?" inquired the old gentle- to boast, gentlemen; it's not my way; but I can't man. help saying, that, if your friend hadn't been fortuMr. Pell jerked his head in the direction of a back nate enough to fall into hands that-but I won't say parlor: whither Mr. Weller at once repairing, was what I was going to say. Gentlemen, my service to immediately greeted in the warmest and most flat- you." Having emptied the glass in a twinkling, Mr. tering manner by some half-dozen of his profession- Pell smacked his lips, and looked complacently round al brethren, in token of their gratification at his ar- on the assembled coachmen, who evidently regarded rival. The insolvent gentleman, who had contract- him as a species of divinity. ed a speculative but imprudent passion for horsing "Let me see," said the legal authority. "What long stages, which had led to his present embarrass- was I a-saying, gentlemen?" ments, looked extremely well, and was soothing the "I think you was remarkin' as you wouldn't have excitement of his feelings with shrimps and porter. no objection to another o' the same, sir," said Mr. The salutation between Mr. Weller and his friends Weller, with grave facetiousness. was strictly confined to the freemasonry of the craft; "Ha, ha!" laughed Mr. Pell. "Not bad, not bad. consisting of a jerking round of the right wrist, and A professional man, too! At this time of the morna tossing of the little finger into the air at the same ing, it would be rather too good a- Well, I don't time. We once knew two famous coachmen (they know, my dear-you may do that again, if you please. are dead now, poor fellows) who were twins, and be- Hem!" tween whom an unaffected and devoted attachment This last sound was a solemn and dignified cough, existed. They passed each other on the Dover road in which Mr. Pell, observing an indecent tendency to every day for twenty-four years, never exchanging mirth in some of his auditors, considered it due to any other greeting than this; and yet, when one himself to indulge. died, the other pined away, and soon afterward fol- "The late Lord Chancellor, gentlemen, was very lowed him! fond of me," said Mr. Pell. " Vell, George," said Mr. Weller, senior, taking off "And wery creditable in him, too," interposed Mr. his upper coat, and seating himself with his accus- Weller. tomed gravity. "How is it? All right behind, and "Hear, hear," assented Mr. Pell's client. "Why full inside?" shouldn't he be?" "All right, old feller," replied the embarrassed "Ah! Why, indeed!" said a very red-faced man, gentleman. who had said nothing yet, and who looked extreme"Is the gray mare made over to any body?" in- ly unlikely to say any thing more. " Why shouldn't quired Mr. Weller, anxiously. he?" George nodded in the affirmative. A murmur of assent ran through the company. " Vell, that's all right," said Mr. Weller. "Coach "I remember, gentlemen," said Mr. Pell, "dining taken care on, also?" with him on one occasion;-there was only us two, 256 THE PICKWICK CLUB. but every thing as splendid as if twenty people had Sam nodded. been expected-the great seal on a dumb-waiter at "You're a dutiful and affectionate little boy, you his right hand, and a man in a bag-wig and suit of are, ain't you?" said Mr. Weller, "to come a-bonnetarmor guarding the mace with a drawn sword and in' your father in his old age?" silk stockings-which is perpetually done, gentle- "How should I know who you wos?" responded men, night and day; when he said,'Pell,' he said, the son. "Do you s'pose I wos to tell you by the'no false delicacy, Pell. You're a man of talent; weight o' your foot?" you can get any body through the Insolvent Court, "Vell, that's wery true, Sammy," replied Mr. WelPell; and your country should be proud of you.' ler, mollified at once; "but wot are you a-doin' on Those were his very words.'My Lord,' I said,'you here? Your gov'nor can't do no good here, Sammy. flatter me.'-' Pell,' he said,' if I do, I'm damned.' They won't pass that werdick, they won't pass it, "' Did he say that?" inquired Mr. Weller. Sammy." And Mr. Weller shook his head with le"He did," replied Pell. gal solemnity. "Vell, then," said Mr. Weller, "I say Parliament "Wot a perwerse old file it is!" exclaimed Sam, ought to ha' took it up; and if he'd been a poor "alvays agoin' on about werdicks and alleybis, and man, they would ha' done it." that. Who said any thing about the werdick?" "But, my dear friend," argued Mr. Pell, "it was in Mr. Weller made no reply, but once more shook confidence." his head most learnedly. "In what?" said Mr. Weller. "Leave off rattlin' that'ere nob o' yourn, if you "In confidence." don't want it to come off the springs altogether," "Oh! wery good," replied Mr. Weller, after a little said Sam, impatiently, "and behave reasonable. I reflection. "If he damned hisself in confidence, o' vent all the vay down to the Markis o' Granby arter course that was another thing." you last night." " Of course it was," said Mr. Pell. " The distinc- "Did you see the Marchioness o' Granby, Sammy?" tion's obvious, you will perceive." inquired Mr. Weller, with a sigh. "Alters the case entirely," said Mr. Weller. "Go "Yes, I did," replied Sam. on, sir." " How wos the dear creetur a-lookin'?" " No, I will not go on, sir," said Mr. Pell, in a low "Wery queer," said Sam. "I think she's a-injurand serious tone. " You have reminded me, sir, that in' herself gradivally vith too much o' that'ere pinethis conversation was private -private and confi- apple rum, and other strong medicines o' the same dential, gentlemen. Gentlemen, I am a professional natur." man. It may be that I am a good deal looked up to "You don't mean that, Sammy?" said the senior, in my profession-it may be that I am not. Most earnestly. people know. I say nothing. Observations have "I do, indeed," replied the junior. Mr. Weller already been made in this room injurious to the rep- seized his son's hand, clasped it, and let it fall. utation of my noble friend. You will excuse me, There was an expression on his countenance in dogentlemen; I was imprudent. I feel that I have no ing so-not of dismay or apprehension, but partakright to mention this matter without his concur- ing more of the sweet and gentle character of hope. rence. Thank you, sir; thank you." Thus deliver- A gleam of resignation, and even of cheerfulness, ing himself, Mr. Pell thrust his hands into his pock- passed over his face too, as he slowly said, "I ain't ets, and, frowning grimly around, rattled three half- quite certain, Sammy; I wouldn't like to say I wos pence with terrible determination. altogether positive, in case of any subsekent disThis virtuous resolution had scarcely been formed, appintment, but I rayther think, my boy, I rayther when the boy and the blue bag, who were insepara- think, that the shepherd's got the liver complaint!" ble companions, rushed violently into the room, and "Does he look bad?" inquired Sam. said (at least the boy did, for the blue bag took no "He's uncommon pale," replied his father, "'cept part in the announcement) that the case was com- about the nose, which is redder than ever. His aping on directly. The intelligence was no sooner re- petite is wery so-so, but he imbibes wunderful." ceived than the whole party hurried across the street, Some thoughts of the rum appeared to obtrude and began to fight their way into Court —a prepar- themselves on Mr. Weller's mind, as he said this; atory ceremony which has been calculated to occupy, for he looked gloomy and thoughtful; but he very in ordinary cases, from twenty-five minutes to thirty. shortly recovered, as was testified by a perfect alMr. Weller, being stout, cast himself at once into phabet of winks, in which he was only wont to inthe crowd with the desperate hope of ultimately dulge when particularly pleased. turning up in some place which would suit him. "Vell, now," said Sam, " about my affair. Just His success was not quite equal to his expectations; open them ears o' yourn, and don't say nothin' till for having neglected to take his hat off, it was I've done." With this brief preface, Sam related, as knocked over his eyes by some unseen person, upon succinctly as he could, the last memorable conversawhose toes he had alighted with considerable force. tion he had had with Mr. Pickwick. Apparently this individual regretted his impetuosity "Stop there by himself, poor creetur!" exclaimed immediately afterward; for, muttering an indistinct the elder Mr. Weller, "without nobody to take his exclamation of surprise, he dragged the old man out part! It can't be done, Samivel, it can't be done." into the hall, and, after a violent struggle, released "O' course it can't," asserted Sam; "I know'd his head and face. that afore I came." " Samivel!" exclaimed Mr. Weller, when he was "Wy, they'll eat him up alive, Sammy," exclaimed thus enabled to behold his rescuer. Mr. Weller. MR. WELLER BECOMES A BORROWER. 257 Sam nodded his concurrence in the opinion. street-door knocker, wen there's so much to be done. " He goes in rayther raw, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, Where's the money?" metaphorically, " and he'll come out done so ex-ceed- "In the boot, Sammy, in the boot," replied Mr. in' brown, that his most familiar friends won't know Weller, composing his features. " Hold my hat, Samhim. Roast pigeon's nothin' to it, Sammy." my." Again Sam Weller nodded. Having divested himself of this incumbrance, Mr. "It oughtn't to be, Samivel," said Mr. Weller, Weller gave his body a sudden wrench to one side, gravely. and, by a dexterous twist, contrived to get his right " It musn't be," said Sam. hand into a most capacious pocket, from whence, af" Cert'nly not," said Mr. Weller. ter a great deal of panting and exertion, he extri" Vel, now," said Sam, "you've been a-prophesyin' cated a pocket-book of the large octavo size, fastened away, wery fine, like a red-faced Nixon as Te six- by a huge leathern strap. From this ledger he drew penny books gives picters on." forth a couple of whip-lashes, three or four buckles, " Who was he, Sammy?" inquired Mr. Weller. a little sample-bag of corn, and finally a small roll "Never mind who he wos," retorted Sam; "he of very dirty bank-notes, from which he selected the warn't a coachman; that's enough for you." required amount, which he handed over to Sam. " I know'd a ostler o' that name," said Mr. Weller, "And now, Sammy," said the old gentleman, when musing. the whip-lashes, and the buckles, and the samples, "It warn't him," said Sam. " This here gen'l'm'n had all been put back, and the book once more dewas a prophet. posited at the bottom of the same pocket," now, Sam" Wot's a prophet?" inquired Mr. Weller, looking my, I know a gen'l'm'n here as'll do the rest o' the sternly on his son. bisness for us in no time-a limb o' the law, Sammy, " Wy, a man as tells what's agoin' to happen," re- as has got brains like the frogs, dispersed all over his plied Sam. body, and reachin' to the wery tips of his fingers; a " I wish I'd know'd him, Sammy," said Mr. Weller. friend of the Lord Chancellorship's, Sammy, who'd " P'raps he might ha' throw'd a small light on that only have to tell him what he wanted, and he'd lock'ere liver complaint as we wos a-speakin' on just you up for life, if that wos all." now. Hows'ever, if he's dead, and ain't left the bis- "I say," said Sam, " none o' that." ness to nobody, there's an end on it. Go on, Sam- "None o' what?" inquired Mr. Weller. my," said Mr. Weller, with a sigh. " Wy, none o' them unconstitootional ways o' doing " Well," said Sam," you've been a-prophesyin' avay it," retorted Sam. "The have-his-carcass, next to about wot'll happen to the gov'nor if he's left alone, the perpetual motion, is vun of the blessedest things Don't you see any vay o' takin' care on him?" as wos ever made. I've read that'ere in the news" No, I don't Sammy," said Mr. Weller, with a re- papers wery of'en." flective visage. "Well, wot's that got to do vith it?" inquired Mr. "No vay at all?" inquired Sam. Weller. " No vay," said Mr. Weller, "unless-" and a gleam "Just this here," said Sam, "that I'll patronize of intelligence lighted up his countenance as be sunk the inwention, and go in, that vay. No visperin's to his voice to a whisper, and applied his mouth to the the Chancellorship, I don't like the notion. It mayn't ear of his offspring-" unless it is getting him out be altogether safe vith reference to gettin' out agin." in a turn-up bedstead, unbeknown to the turnkeys, Deferring to his son's feeling upon this point, Mr. Sammy, or dressin' him up like a old'ooman vith a Weller at once sought the erudite Solomon Pell and green wail." acquainted him with his desire to issue a writ inSam Weller received both of these suggestions stantly for the sum of twenty-five pounds, and costs with unexpected contempt, and again propounded of process; to be executed without delay upon the his question. body of one Samuel Weller; the charges thereby in" No," said the old gentleman; "if he von't let you curred to be paid in advance to Solomon Pell. stop there, I see no vay at all. It's no thoroughfare, The attorney was in high glee, for the embarrassed Sammy, no thoroughfare." coach-horser was ordered to be discharged forthwith. " Well, then, I'll tell you wot it is," said Sam, " I'll He highly approved of Sam's attachment to his mastrouble you for the loan of five-and-twenty pound." ter; declared that it strongly reminded him of his " Wot good'ull that do?" inquired Mr. Weller. own feelings of devotion to his friend, the Chancel" Never mind," replied Sam. " P'raps you may ask lor; and at once led the elder Mr. Weller down to for it five minits artervards; p'raps I may say I the Temple to swear the affidavit of debt, which the von't pay, and cut up rough. You von't think o' boy, with the assistance of the blue bag, had drawn arrestin' your own son for the money, and sendin' upon the spot. him off to the Fleet, will you, you unnat'ral waga- Meanwhile Sam, having been formally introduced bone?" to the whitewashed gentleman and his friends as At this reply of Sam's, the father and son ex- the offspring of Mr. Weller, of the Belle Savage, was changed a complete code of telegraphic nods and treated with marked distinction, and invited to regestures, after which, the elder Mr.Weller sat him- gale himself with them in honor of the occasion; an self down on a stone step and laughed till he was invitation which he was by no means backward in purple. accepting. " Wot a old image it is!" exclaimed Sam, indig- The mirth of gentlemen of this class is of a grave nant at this loss of time. "Wot are you a-set- and quiet character, usually; but the present intin' down there for con-wertin' your face into a stance was one of peculiar festivity, and they relax17 258 THE PICKWICK CLUB. ed in proportion. After some rather tumultuous company seemed divided on the subject, it threatened toasting of the Chief Commissioner and Mr. Solomon to give rise to fresh altercation, when Mr. Weller and Pell, who had that day displayed such transcendent Mr. Pell most opportunely arrived. abilities, a mottle-faced gentleman in a blue shawl "All right, Sammy," said Mr. Weller. proposed that somebody should sing a song. The "The officer will be here at four o'clock," said Mr. obvious suggestion was, that the mottle-faced gen- Pell. "I suppose you won't run away meanwhile, tleman, being anxious for a song, should sing it him- eh? Ha! ha!" self; but this the mottle-faced gentleman sturdily, " P'raps my cruel pa'ull relent afore then," replied and somewhat offensively, declined to do. Upon Sam, with a broad grin. which, as is not unusual in such cases, a rather an- "Not I," said the elder Mr. Weller. gry colloquy ensued. "DJ said Sam. "Gentlemen," said the coach-horser, "rather than "Noton no account," replied the inexorable creddisturb the harmony of this delightful occasion, per- itor. haps Mr. Samuel Weller will oblige the company." "I'll give bills for the amount, at sixpence a "Raly, gentlemen," said Sam, "I'm not wery much month," said Sam. in the habit o' singin' vithout the instrument; but "I won't take'em," said Mr. Weller. any thin' for a quiet life, as the man said wen he "Ha, ha, ha! very good, very good," said Mr. Soltook the sitivation at the light-house." omon Pell, who was making out his little bill of With this prelude, Mr. Samuel Weller burst at costs; a very amusing incident indeed! Benjamin, once into the following wild and beautiful legend, copy that." And Mr. Pell smiled again, as he called which, under the impression that it is not generally Mr. Weller's attention to the amount. known, we take the liberty of quoting. We would "Thank you, thank you," said the professional beg to call particular attention to the monosyllable gentleman, taking up another of the greasy notes as at the end of the second and fourth lines, which not Mr. Weller took it from the pocket-book. " Three ten only enables the singer to take breath at those and one ten is five. Much obliged to you, Mr. Welpoints, but greatly assists the metre. ler. Your son is a most deserving young man, very much so, indeed, sir. It's a very pleasant trait in a ROMANCE. young man's character, very much so," added Mr. I. Pell, smiling smoothly round, as he buttoned up the Bold Turpin vunce, on Hounslow Heath, money. His boldmare Bess bestrode-er; "Wot a game it is!" said the elder Mr. Weller, Ven there he see'd the Bishop's coach en there he see'dl the Bishop's coach with a chuckle. "A reg'lar prodigy son!" A-coming along the road —er. So he gallops close to the orse's legs,Prodigal, prodigal son, sir," suggested Mr. Pell, And he claps his head vithin;mildly. And the Bishop says, "Sure as eggs is eggs, "Never mind, sir," said Mr. Weller, with dignity. This here's the bold Turpin!" "I know wot's o'clock, sir. Wen I don't, I'll ask CHORUS. you, sir." And the Bishop says, " Sure as eggs is eggs, By the time the officer arrived, Sam had made This here's the bold Turpin!" himself so extremely popular, that the congregated *~II.Q~ ~gentlemen determined to see him to prison in a body. Says Turpin, "You shall eat your words, So off they set; the plaintiff and defendant walking With a sarse ofleaden bul-let;" arm in arm; the officer in front, and eight stout So he puts a pistol to his mouth, coachmen bringing up the rear. At Sergeants' Inn And he fires it down his gul-let. Coffee-house the whole party halted to refresh, and, The coachman he not likin' the job, the legal arrangements being completed, the procesSet off at a full gal-lop, sion moved on again. But Dick put a couple of balls in his nob, ion moved on again. And perwailed on him to stop. Some little commotion was occasioned in Fleet cAHornUs (tsarcastically). Street by the pleasantry of the eight gentlemen in CORUSthe flank who persevered in walking four abreast; But Dick put a couple of balls in his nob,the who persevered in walking four abreast; And perwailed on him to stop. it was also found necessary to leave the mottle-faced gentleman behind, to fight a ticket-porter, it being "I maintain that that'ere song's personal to the arranged that his friends should call for him as they cloth," said the mottle-faced gentleman, interrupt- came back. Nothing but these little incidents ocing it at this point. "I demand the name o' that curred on the way. When they reached the gate of coachman." the Fleet, the cavalcade, taking the time from the " Nobody know'd," replied Sam. " He hadn't got plaintiff, gave three tremendous cheers for the dehis card in his pocket." fendant, and, after having shaken hands all round, "I object to the introduction o' politics," said the left him. mottle-faced gentleman. "I submit that, in the Sam, having been formally delivered into the warpresent company, that'ere song's political; and, den's custody, to the intense astonishment of Roker, wot's much the same, that it ain't true. I say that and to the evident emotion of even the phlegmatic that coachman did not run away; but that he died Neddy,passed at once into the prison, walked straight game-game as pheasants; and I won't hear nothin' to his master's room, and knocked at the door. said to the contrairey." "Come in," said Mr. Pickwick. As the mottle-faced gentleman spoke with great Sam appeared, pulled off his hat, and smiled. energy and determination, and as the opinions of the "Ah, Sam, my good lad!" said Mr. Pickwick, evi DON2E ON PRINCIPLE. 259 dently delighted to see his humble friend again; " I of Sam's detaining creditor; but this Mr. Weller as had no intention of hurting your feelings yesterday, perseveringly withheld. my faithful fellow, by what I said. Put down your "It ain't o' no use, sir," said Sam, again and again. hat, Sam, and let me explain my meaning a little "He's a ma-licious, bad-disposed, vorldly-minded, more at length." spiteful, vindictive creetur, with a hard heart as "Won't presently do, sir?" inquired Sam. there ain't no soft'nin'. As the wirtuous clergyman "Certainly," said Mr. Pickwick; " but why not remarked of the old gen'l'm'n with the dropsy, ven now?" he said, that upon the whole he thought he'd rayther " I'd rayther not now, sir," rejoined Sam. leave his property to his vife than build a chapel "Why?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. vith it." "'Cause-" said Sam, hesitating. " But consider, Sam," Mr. Pickwick remonstrated, "Because of what?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, alarm- "the sum is so small that it can very easily be paid; ed at his follower's manner. " Speak out, Sam." and having made up my mind that you shall stop "'Cause," rejoined Sam;'cause I've got a little with me, you should recollect how much more usebisness as I want to do." ful you would be if you could go outside the walls." "What business?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, sur- "Wery much obliged to you, sir," replied Mr. prised at Sam's confused manner. Weller, gravely; "but I'd rayther not." "Nothin' partickler, sir," replied Sam. "Rather not do what, Sam?" "Oh, if it's nothing particular," said Mr. Pickwick, "Wy, I'd rayther not let myself down to ask a fawith a smile, "you can speak with me first." vor o' this here unremorseful enemy." " I think I'd better see arter it at once," said Sam, "But it is no favor asking him to take his money, still hesitating. Sam," reasoned Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Pickwick looked amazed, but said nothing. "Beg your pardon, sir," rejoined Sam; " but it'ud " The fact is," said Sam, stopping short. be a wery great favor to pay it, and he don't deserve "Well!" said Mr. Pickwick. "Speal out, Sam." none; that's where it is, sir." "Why, the fact is," said Sam, with a desperate ef- Here Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his nose with an air fort, "p'raps I'd. better see arter my bed afore I do of some vexation, Mr. Weller thought it prudent to any thin' else." change the theme of the discourse. "Your bed!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, in astonish- " I takes my determination on principle, sir," rement. marked Sam, " and you takes yours on the same " Yes, my bed, sir," replied Sam. " I'm a pris'ner. ground; wich puts me in mind o' the man as killed I was arrested this here wery arternoon for debt." hisself on principle, wich o' course you've heerd on, " You arrested for debt!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, sir." Mr. Weller paused when he arrived at this sinking into a chair. point, and cast a comical look at his iiaaster out of "Yes, for debt; sir," replied Sam. "And the man the corners of his eyes. as puts me in'ull never let me out till you go your- "There is no'of course' in the case, Sam," said self." Mr. Pickwick, gradually breaking into a smile, in "Bless my heart and soul!" ejaculated Mr. Pick- spite of the uneasiness which Sam's obstinacy had wick. "What do you mean?" given him. " The fame of the gentleman in ques"Wot I say, sir," rejoined Sam. "If it's forty tion never reached my ears." year to come, I shall be a pris'ner, and I'm very glad "No, sir!" exclaimed Mr. Weller. "You astonish on it; and if it had been Newgate, it would ha' been me, sir; he wos a clerk in a gov'ment office, sir." just the same. Now the murder's out, and, damme, " Was he?" said Mr. Pickwick. there's an end on it!" "Yes, he wos, sir," rejoined Mr. Weller; " and a With these words, which he repeated with great wery pleasant gen'l'm'n too-one o' the precise and emphasis and violence, Saul Weller dashed his hat tidy sort, as puts their feet in little India-rubber fireupon the ground in a most unusual state of excite- buckets wen its wet weather, and never has no othment; and then, folding his arms, looked firmly and er bosom friends but hare-skins; he saved up his fixedly in his master's face. money on principle, wore a clean shirt ev'ry day on principle; never spoke to none of his relations on -- -- principle,'fear they shou'd want to borrow money of him; and wos altogether, in fact, an uncommon agreeCHAPTER XLIV. able character. He had his hair cut on principle vunce a fortnight, and contracted for his clothes on TREATS OF DIVERS LITTLE MATTERS WHICH OCCURTREATS OF DIVERS LITTLE MATTERS WICH OCCUR-the economic principle-three suits a year, and send RED IN THE FLEET, AND OF MR. WINKLE'S MYSTE- back the old us Being a wery reglar gen''m'n, RIOUS BEHAVIOR; AND SHOWS HOW THE POOR. I 2 ^ ^ IRIOUS BEHAVIOR; A~ND SHOWS HOW THE POOR he din'd ev'ry day at the same place, were it wos CHANCERY PRISONER OBTAINED HIS RELEASE AT one-and-nine to cut off the joint, and a wery good LAST. one-and-nine's worth he used to cut, as the landlord R. PICKWICK felt a great deal too much touch- often said, with the tears a-tricklin' down his face: II ed by the warmth of Sam's attachment, to be let alone the way he used to poke the fire in the vinable to exhibit any manifestation of anger or displeas- ter-time, which wos a dead loss o' four-pence ha'penure at the precipitate course he had adopted, in vol- ny a day: to say nothin' at all o' the aggrawation o' untarily consigning himself to a debtor's prison for an seein' him do it. So uncommon grand with it too! indefinite period. The only point on which he per-'Post arter the next gen'l'm'n,' he sings out ev'ry severed in demanding any explanation was the name day ven he comes in.' See arter the Times, Thomas; 260 THE PICKWICK CLUB. let me look at the Mornin' Herald, wen it's out o' course, did Mr. Weller meet his master's questionhand; don't forget to bespeak the Chronicle; and ing on the night of his taking up his residence in just bring the'Tizer, vill you:' and then he'd set vith the Fleet. Finding all gentle remonstrance useless, his eyes fixed on the clock, and rush out, just a quar- Mr. Pickwick at length yielded a reluctant consent ter of a minit afore the time, to waylay the boy as to his taking lodgings by the week of a bald-headed wos a-comin' in with the evenin' paper, wich he'd cobbler who rented a small slip-room in one of the read with sich intense interest and persewerance as upper galleries. To this humble apartment Mr. worked the other customers up to the wery confines Weller moved a mattress and bedding, which he o' desperation and insanity,'specially one i-rascible hired of Mr. Roker; and, by the time he lay down old gen'l'm'n as the vaiter wos always obliged to upon it at night, was as much at home as if he had keep a sharp eye on at sich times, fear he should be been bred in the prison, and his whole family had tempted to commit some rash act with the carving- vegetated therein for three generations. knife. Vell, sir, here he'd stop, occupyin' the best "Do you always smoke arter you goes to bed, old place for three hours, and never takin' nothin' arter cock?" inquired Mr. Weller of his landlord, when his dinner but sleep, and then he'd go away to a cof- they had both retired for the night. fee-house a few streets off, and have a small pot o' Yes, I does, young bantam," replied the cobbler. coffee and four crumpets, arter wich he'd walk home "Will you allow me to in-quire wy you make up to Kensington and go to bed. One night he wos your bed under that'ere deal table?" said Sam. took very ill; sends for a doctor; doctor comes in a "'Cause I was always used to a four-poster afore green fly, with a kind o' Robinson Crusoe set o' steps, I came here, and I find the legs of the table answer as he could let down wen he got out, and pull up ar- just as well," replied the cobbler. ter him wen he got in, to perwent the necessity o' the "You're a character, sir," said Sam. coachman's gettin' down, and thereby undeceivin' the "I haven't got any thing of the kind belonging to public by lettin''em see that it wos only a livery me," rejoined the cobbler, shaking his head; " and if coat as he'd got on, and not the trowsers to match. you want to meet with a good one, I'm afraid you'll'Wot's the matter?' says the doctor.'Wery ill,' find some difficulty in suiting yourself at this regissays the patient.'Wot have you been a-eatin' on' ter office." says the doctor.'Roast weal,' says the patient. The above short dialogue took place as Mr. Weller'Wot's the last thing you dewoured?' says the doc- lay extended on his mattress at one end of the room, tor.'Crumpets,' says the patient.'That's it!' and the cobbler on his, at the other; the apartment says the doctor.'I'll send you a box of pills direct- being illumined by the light of a rush candle and ly, and don't you never take no more of'em,' he says. the cobbler's pipe, which was glowing below the ta-'No more o' wot?' says the patient-' Pills?''No; ble like a red-hot coal. The conversation, brief as crumpets,' says the doctor.'Wy?' says the patient, it was, predisposed Mr. Weller strongly in his landstarting up in bed;'I've eat four crumpets ev'ry lord's favor; and, raising himself on his elbow, he night for fifteen year,- on principle.'' Well, then, took a more lengthened survey of his appearance than you'd better leave'em off, on principle,' says the doc- he had yet had either time or inclination to make. tor.'Crumpets is wholesome, sir,' says the patient. He was a sallow man-all cobblers are; and had'Crumpets is not wholesome, sir,' says the doctor, a strong bristly beard-all cobblers have. His face wery fierce.'But they're so cheap,' says the pa- was a queer, good-tempered, crooked-featured piece tient, comin' down a little,'and so wery fillin' at the of workmanship, ornamented with a couple of eyes price.''They'd be dear to you at any price; dear that must have worn a very joyous expression at one if you wos paid to eat'em,' says the doctor.'Four time, for they sparkled yet. The man was sixty by crumpets a night, he says,' vill do your business in years, and Heaven knows how old by imprisonment, six months!' The patient looks him full in the face, so that his having any look appproaching to mirth and turns it over in his mind for a long time, and at or contentment was singular enough. He was a litlast he says,'Are you sure o' that'ere, sir?' I'll tle man, and, being half doubled up as he lay in bed, stake my professional reputation on it,' says the doc- looked about as long as he ought to have been withtor.' How many crumpets, at a sittin', do you think out his legs. He had a great red pipe in his mouth,'ud kill me off at once?' says the patient.'I don't and was smoking, and staring at the rush-light, in a know,' says the doctor.'Do you think half a state of enviable placidity. crown's wurth'ud do it?' says the patient.' I think "Have you been here long?" inquired Sam, breakit might,' says the doctor.' Three shillins' wurth ing the silence which had lasted for some time.'ud be sure to do it, I s'pose?' says the patient.'Cer- " Twelve year," replied the cobbler, biting the end tainly,' says the doctor.' Wery good,' says the pa- of his pipe as he spoke. tient;'good-night.' Next mornin' he gets up, has " Contempt?" inquired Sam. a fire lit, orders in three shillins' wurth o'crumpets, The cobbler nodded. toasts'em all, eats'em all, and blows his brains out." "Well, then," said Sam, with some sternness, "What did he do that for?" inquired Mr. Pick- "wot do you persevere in bein' obstinit for, vastin' wick, abruptly; for he was considerably startled by your precious life away, in this here magnified this tragical termination of the narrative. pound? Wy don't you give in, and tell the Chancel"Wot did he do it for, sir?" reiterated Sam. lorship that you're wery sorry for makin' his court "Wy, in support of his great principle that crum- contemptible, and you won't do so no more?" pets wos wholesome, and to show that he wouldn't The cobbler put his pipe in the corner of his be put out of his way for nobody!" mouth, while he smiled, and then brought it back to With such like shiftings and changings of the dis- its old place again, but said nothing. HOW THE COBBLER WAS RUINED. 261 "Wy don't you?" said Sam, urging his question couldn't agree among themselves, and consequently strenuously. couldn't get up a case against the will, they with"Ah," said the cobbler, "you don't quite under- drew the caveat, and I paid all the legacies. I'd stand these matters. What do you suppose ruined hardly done it, when one nevy brings an action to me, now?" set the will aside. The case comes on, some months "Wy," said Sam, trimming the rush-light, "I afterward, afore a deaf old gentleman, in a backs'pose the beginnin' wos, that you got into debt, room somewhere down by Paul's Church-yard; and eh?" arter four counsels had taken a day apiece to bother "Never owed a farden," said the cobbler; "try him regularly, he takes a week or two to consider, again." and read the evidence in six vollums, and then gives "Well, perhaps," said Sam, "you bought houses, his judgment that how the testator was not quite wich is delicate English for goiu' mad: or took to right in his head, and I must pay all the money buildin', wich is a medical term for bein' incurable." back again, and all the costs. I appealed; the case The cobbler shook his head and said, "Try again." come on before three or four very sleepy gentlemen, "You didn't go to law, I hope?" said Sam, suspi- who had heard it all before in the other court, where ciously. they're lawyers without work; the only difference "Never in my life," replied the cobbler. "The being that there they're called doctors, and in the fact is, I was ruined by having money left me." other place delegates, if you understand that; and " Come, come," said Sam, "that won't do. I wish they very dutifully confirm the decision of the old some rich enemy'ud try to vork my destruction in gentleman below. After that we went into Chanthat'ere vay. I'd let him." cery, where we are still, and where I shall always "Oh, I dare say you don't believe it," said the be. My lawyers have had all my thousand pound cobbler, quietly smoking his pipe. " I wouldn't if I long ago; and what between the estate, as they'all was you; but it's true for all that." it, and the costs, I'm here for ten thousand, and shall " How wos it?" inquired Sam, half induced to be- stop here till I die, mending shoes. Some gentlemen lieve the fact already, by the look the cobbler gave have talked of bringing it afore Parliament, and I him. dare say would have done it, only they. hadn't time "Just this," replied the cobbler; "an old gentle- to come to me, and I hadn't power to go to them, man that I worked for down in the country, and a and they got tired of my long letters, and dropped humble relation of whose I married-she's dead, the business. And this is God's truth, without one God bless her, and thank Him for it!-was seized word of suppression or exaggeration, as fifty people, with a fit and went off." both in this place and out of it, very well know." "Where?" inquired Sam, who was growing sleepy The cobbler paused to ascertain what effect his after the numerous events of the day. story had produced on Sam; but finding that he "How should I know where he went?" said the had dropped asleep, knocked the ashes out of his cobbler, speaking through his nose in an intense en- pipe, sighed, put it down, drew the bed-clothes over joyment of his pipe. " He went off dead." his head, and went to sleep too. "Oh, that indeed," said Sam. " Well?" Mr. Pickwick was sitting at breakfast, alone, next "Well," said the cobbler, "he left five thousand morning (Sam being busily engaged in the cobbler's pound behind him." room polishing his master's shoes and brushing the "And wery gen-teel in him so to do," said Sam. black gaiters), when there came a knock at the door, "One of which," continued the cobbler, "he left which, before Mr, Pickwick could cry "Come in!" to me,'cause I'd married his relation, you see." was followed by the appearance of a head of hair " Wery good," murmured Sam. and a cotton-velvet cap, both of which articles of "And being surrounded by a great number of dress he had no difficulty in recognizing as the pernieces and nevys, as was always a-quarreling and sonal property of Mr. Smangle. fighting among themselves for the property, he "How are you?" said that worthy, accompanying makes me his executor, and leaves the rest to me- the inquiry with a score or two of nods; "I sayin trust, to divide it among'em as the will prowided." do you expect any body this morning? Three men "Wot do you mean by leavin' it on trust?" in- -devilish gentlemanly fellows-have been asking quired Sam, waking up a little. " If it ain't ready after you down stairs, and knocking at every door on money, vere's the use on it?" the Hall flight; for which they've been most infer" It's a law term, that's all," said the cobbler. nally blown up by the collegians that had the trouble " I don't think that," said Sam, shaking his head. of opening'em." " There's wery little trust at that shop. Hows'ever, " Dear me! How very foolish of them," said Mr. go on." Pickwick, rising. "Yes; I have no doubt they are " Well," said the cobbler; " when I was going to some friends whom I rather expected to see yestertake out a probate of the will, the nieces and nevys, day." who was desperately disappointed at not getting all "Friends of yours!" exclaimed Smangle, seizing the money, enters a caveat against it." Mr. Pickwick by the hand. "Say no more. Curse "What's that?" inquired Sam. me, they're friends of mine from this minute, and " A legal instrument, which is as much as to say, friends of Mivins's too. Infernal pleasant, gentleit's no go," replied the cobbler. manly dog, Mivins, isn't he?" said Smangle, with "I see," said Sam, "a sort of brother-in-law o' the great feeling. have-his-carcass. Well." "I know so little of the gentleman," said Mr. Pick"But," continued the cobbler, "finding that they wick, hesitating, "that I-" 262 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "I know you do," interposed Smangle, clasping "This foolish fellow," said Mr. Pickwick, tapping Mr. Pickwick by the shoulder. "You shall know Sam on the head as he knelt down to button up his him better. You'll be delighted with him. That master's gaiters, "this foolish fellow has got himself man, sir," said Smangle, with a solemn countenance, arrested, in order to be near me." "has comic powers that would do honor to Drury "What!" exclaimed the three friends. Lane Theatre." " Yes, gen'l'm'n," said Sam," I'm a-stand steady, "Has he indeed?" said Mr. Pickwick. sir, if you please-I'm a pris'ner, gen'l'm'n. Con" Ah, by Jove he has!" replied Smangle. "Hear fined, as the lady said." him come the four cats in a wheelbarrow-four dis- "A prisoner!" exclaimed Mr. Winkle, with unactinct cats, sir, I pledge you my honor. Now you countable vehemence. know that's infernal clever! Damme, you can't help " Halloo, sir!" responded Sam, looking up. " Wot's liking a man when you see these traits about him. the matter, sir?" He's only one fault-that little failing I mentioned "I had hoped, Sam, that-nothing, nothing," said to you, you know." Mr. Winkle, precipitately. As Mr. Smangle shook his head in a confidential There was something so very abrupt and unsetand sympathizing manner at this juncture, Mr. Pick- tled in Mr. Winkle's manner, that Mr. Pickwick inwick felt that he was expected to say something, so voluntarily looked at his two friends for an explahe said " Ah!" and looked restlessly at the door. nation. "Ah!" echoed Mr. Smangle, with a long-drawn "We don't know," said Mr. Tupman, answering sigh. "He's delightful company, that man is, sir. this mute appeal aloud. "He has been much exciI don't know better company anywhere; but he has ted for two days past, and his whole demeanor very that one drawback. If the ghost of his grandfather, unlike what it usually is. We feared there must be sir,^was to rise before him this minute, he'd ask him something the matter, but he resolutely denies it." for the loan of his acceptance on an eighteen-penny "No, no," said Mr. Winkle, coloring beneath Mr. stamp." Pickwick's gaze; " there is really nothing. I assure "Dear me!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. you there is nothing, my dear sir. It will be neces" Yes," added Mr. Smangle; " and if he'd the pow- sary for me to leave town for a short time on private er of raising him again, he would, in two months and business, and I had hoped to have prevailed upon you three days from this time, to renew the bill!" to allow Sam to accompany me." " Those are very remarkable traits," said Mr. Pick- Mr. Pickwick looked more astonished than before. wick; "but I'm afraid that while we are talking "I think," faltered Mr. Winkle, " that Sam would here, my friends may be in a state of great perplex- have had no objection to do so; but of course his beity at not finding me." ing a prisoner here renders it impossible. So I must " I'll show'em the way," said Smangle, making for go alone." the door. "Good-day. I won't disturb'you while As Mr. Winkle said these words, Mr. Pickwick felt, they're here, you know. By-the-bye-" with some astonishment, that Sam's fingers were As Smangle pronounced the last three words, he trembling at the gaiters, as if he were rather surstopped suddenly, reclosed the door which he had prised or startled. Sam looked up at Mr. Winkle, opened, and, walking softly back to Mr. Pickwick, too, when he had finished speaking; and though the stepped close up to him on tiptoe, and said, in a very glance they exchanged was instantaneous, they seemsoft whisper, ed to understand each other. "You couldn't make it convenient to lend me half "Do you know any thing of this, Sam?" said Mr. a crown till the latter end of next week, could you?" Pickwick, sharply. Mr. Pickwick could scarcely forbear smiling; but " No, I don't sir," replied Mr. Weller, beginning to managing to preserve his gravity, he drew forth button with extraordinary assiduity. the coin, and placed it in Mr. Smangle's palm; upon "Are you sure, Sam?" said Mr. Pickwick. which that gentleman, with many nods and winks, " Wy, sir," responded Mr. Weller; " I'm sure so far, implying profound mystery, disappeared in quest of that I've never heerd any thin' on the subject afore the three strangers, with whom he presently return- this moment. If I makes any guess about it," added ed; and having coughed thrice, and nodded as many Sam, looking at Mr. Winkle, " I haven't got any right times, as an assurance to Mr. Pickwick that he would to say what it is,'fear it should be a wrong'un." not forget to pay, he shook hands all round in an en- " I have no right to make any further inquiry into gaging manner, and at length took himself off. the private affairs of a friend, however intimate a "My dear friends," said Mr. Pickwick, shaking friend," said Mr. Pickwick, after a short silence; " at hands alternately with Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and present let me merely say that I do not understand Mr. Snodgrass, who were the three visitors in ques- this at all. There. We have had quite enough of tion, "I am delighted to see you." the subject." The triumvirate were much affected. Mr. Tup- Thus expressing himself, Mr. Pickwick led the conman shook his head deploringly; Mr. Snodgrass drew versation to different topics, and Mr. Winkle graduforth his handkerchief with undisguised emotion; ally appeared more at ease, though still very far from and Mr. Winkle retired to the window, and sniffed being completely so. They had all so much to conaloud. verse about, that the morning very quickly passed "Mornin', gen'l'm'n," said Sam, entering at the away; and when, at three o'clock, Mr. Weller promoment with the shoes and gaiters. " Avay vith duced upon the little dining-table a roast leg of mutmelincholly, as the little boy said ven his school- ton and an enormous meat-pie, with sundry dishes of missis died. Velcome to the College, gen''m'n." vegetables and pots of porter, which stood upon the MR. WINKLE APPARENTLY DESPERATE. 263 chairs or the sofa-bedstead, or where they could, ev- He had sat ruminating about the matter for some ery body felt disposed to do justice to the meal, not- time, when the voice of Roker, the turnkey, demandwithstanding that the meat had been purchased, and ed whether he might come in. dressed, and the pie made, and baked, at the prison "By all means," said Mr. Pickwick. cookery hard by. "I've brought you a softer pillow, sir," said Roker, To these succeeded a bottle or two of very good "instead of the temporary one you had last night." wine, for which a messenger was dispatched by Mr. "Thank you," said Mr. Pickwick. "Will you take Pickwick to the Horn Coffee-house, in Doctors' Com- a glass of wine?" mons. The bottle or two, indeed, might be more "You're wery good, sir," replied Mr. Roker, acceptproperly described as a bottle or six; for by the time ing the proffered glass. " Yours, sir." it was drunk, and tea over, the bell began to ring for "Thank you," said Mr. Pickwick. strangers to withdraw. "I'm sorry to say that your landlord's wery bad But if Mr. Winkle's behavior had been unaccount- to-night, sir," said Roker, setting down the glass, able in the morning, it became perfectly unearthly and inspecting the lining of his hat preparatory to and solemn when, under the influence of his feelings, putting it on again. and his share of the bottle or six, he prepared to take "What! The Chancery prisoner!" exclaimed Mr. leave of his friend. He lingered behind until Mr. Pickwick. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass had disappeared, and "He won't be a Chancery prisoner wery long, then fervently clenched Mr. Pickwick's hand with sir," replied Roker, turning his hat round so as to get an expression of face in which deep and mighty re- the maker's name right side upward, as he looked solve was fearfully blended with the very concen- into it. trated essence of gloom. "You make my blood run cold," said Mr. Pick" Good-night, my dear sir!" said Mr. Winkle be- wick. "What do you mean?" tween his set teeth. " He's been consumptive for a long time past," said " Bless you, my dear fellow!" replied the warm- Mr. Roker, "and he's taken wery bad in the breath hearted Mr. Pickwick, as he returned the pressure to-night. The doctor said, six months ago, that of his young friend's hand. nothing but change of air could save him." " Now then!" cried Mr. Tupman from the gallery. "Great Heaven!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick; "has " Yes, yes, directly," replied Mr. Winkle. " Good- this man been slowly murdered by the law for isix night!" months!" " Good-night," said Mr. Pickwick. " I don't know about that," replied Roker, weighThere was another good-night, aid another, and ing the hat by the brims in both hands. "I suphalf a dozen more after that, and still Mr. Winkle pose he'd have been took the same, wherever he was. had fast hold of his friend's hand, and was looking He went into the infirmary this morning; the doctor into his face with the same strange expression. says his strength is to be kept up as much as possi" Is any thing the matter?" said Mr. Pickwick at ble; and the warden's sent him wine and broth and last, when his arm was quite sore with shaking. that, from his own house. It's not the warden's " Nothing," said Mr. Winkle. fault, you know, sir." "Well then, good-night," said Mr. Pickwick, at- " Of course not," replied Mr. Pickwick, hastily. tempting to disengage his hand. "I'm afraid, however," said Roker, shaking his "My friend, my benefactor, my honored compan- head, "that it's all up with him. I offered Neddy ion," murmured Mr. Winlile, catching at his wrist. two six penn'orths to one upon it just now, but he " Do not judge me harshly; do not, when you hear wouldn't take it, and quite right. Thankee, sir. that, driven to extremity by hopeless obstacles, I-" Good-night, sir." " Now then," said Mr. Tupman, re-appearing at the "Stay," said Mr. Pickwick, earnestly. "Where is door. "Are you coming, or are we to be locked in " this infirmary?" " Yes, yes, I am ready," replied Mr. Winkle. And "Just over where you slept, sir," replied Roker. with a violent effort he tore himself away. "I'll show you, if you like to come." Mr. Pickwick As Mr. Pickwick was gazing down the passage snatched up his hat without speaking, and followed after them in silent astonishment, Sam Weller ap- at once. peared at the stair-head, and whispered for one mo- The turnkey led the way in silence; and gently ment in Mr. Winkle's ear. raising the latch of the room-door, motioned Mr. " Oh certainly, depend upon me," said that gentle- Pickwick to enter. It was a large, bare, desolate man aloud. room, with a number of stump bedsteads made of "Thankee, sir. You won't forget, sir?" said Sam. iron, on one of which lay stretched the shadow of a "Of course not," replied Mr. Winkle. man, wan, pale, and ghastly. His breathing was "Wish you luck, sir," said Sam, touching his hat. hard and thick, and he moaned painfully as it came "I should very much liked to ha' joined you, sir; and went. At the bedside sat a short old man in a but the gov'nor o' course is pairamount." cobbler's apron, who, by the aid of a pair of horn "It is very much to your credit that you remain spectacles, was reading from the Bible aloud. It here," said Mr. Winkle. With these words they dis- was the fortunate legatee. appeared down the stairs. The sick man laid his hand upon his attendant's "Very extraordinary," said Mr. Pickwick, going arm, and motioned him to stop. He closed the book, back into his room, and seating himself at the table and laid it on the bed. in a musing attitude. "What can that young man " Open the window," said the sick man. be going to do'?" He did so. The noise of carriages and carts, the 264 THE PICKWICK CLUB. rattle of wheels, the cries of men and boys, all the tained, moreover, the day-but-one-before-yesterday's busy sounds of a mighty multitude instinct with life paper, he repaired to the skittle-ground, and seating and occupation, blended into one deep murmur, float- himself on a bench, proceeded to enjoy himself in a ed into the room. Above the hoarse loud hum arose, very sedate and methodical manner. from time to time, a boisterous laugh; or a scrap of First of all, he took a refreshing draught of the some jingling song, shouted forth by one of the gid- beer, and then he looked up at a window, and bedy crowd, would strike upon the ear for an instant, stowed a Platonic wink on a young lady who was and then be lost amidst the roar of voices and the peeling potatoes thereat. Then he opened the patramp of footsteps: the breaking of the billows of per, and folded it so as to get the police reports outthe restless sea of life, that rolled heavily on with- ward; and this being a vexatious and difficult thing out. Melancholy sounds to a quiet listener at any to do when there is any wind stirring, he took antime; how melancholy to the watcher by the bed of other draught of the beer when he had accomplishdeath! ed it. Then he read two lines of the paper, and "There is no air here," said the sick man, faintly. stopped short, to look at a couple of men who were "The place pollutes it. It was fresh round about, finishing a game at rackets, which being concluded, when I walked there, years ago; but it grows hot he cried out "wery good" in an approving manner, and heavy, in passing these walls. I can not breathe and looked round upon the spectators, to ascertain it." whether their sentiments coincided with his own. "We have breathed it together for a long time," This involved the necessity of looking up at the said the old man. "Come, come." windows also; and as the young lady was still There was a short silence, during which the two there, it was an act of common politeness to wink spectators approached the bed. The sick man drew again, and to drink to her good health in dumb show a hand of his old fellow-prisoner toward him, and in another draught of the beer, which Sam did; and pressing it affectionately between both his own, re- having frowned hideously upon a small boy who had tained it in his grasp. noted this latter proceeding with open eyes, he threw " I hope," he gasped after a while-so faintly that one leg over the other, and, holding the newspaper they bent their ears close over the bed to catch the in both hands, began to read in real earnest. half-formed sounds his pale lips gave vent to-" I He had hardly composed himself into the needful hope my merciful Judge will bear in mind my heavy state of abstraction, when he thought he heard his punishment on earth. Twenty years, my friend, own name proclaimed in some distant passage. Nor twenty years in this hideous grave! My heart was he mistaken, for it quickly passed from mouth broke when my child died, and I could not even kiss to mouth, and In a few seconds the air teemed with him in his little coffin. My loneliness since then, in shouts of "Weller?" all this noise and riot, has been very dreadful. May "Here!" roared Sam, in a stentorian voice. "Wot's God forgive me! He has seen my solitary, lingering the matter? Who wants him? Has an express death." come to say that his country house is afire?" He folded his hands, and murmuring something "Somebody wants you in the hall," said a man more they could not hear, fell into a sleep-only a who was standing by. sleep at first, for they saw him smile. "Just mind that'ere paper and the pot, old feller, They whispered together for a little time, and the will you?" said Sam. "I'm a-comin'. Blessed, if turnkey, stooping over the pillow, drew hastily back. they was a-callin' me to the bar, they couldn't make " He has got his discharge, by G-!" said the man. more noise about it!" He had. But he had grown so like death in life, Accompanying these words with a gentle rap on that they knew not when he died. the head of the young gentleman before noticed, who, unconscious of his close vicinity to the person * -— *e —- in request, was screaming "Weller!" with all his might, Sam hastened across the ground, and ran up CHAPTER XLV. the steps into the hall. Here the first object that met his eyes was his beloved father sitting on a DESCRIPTIVE OF AN AFFECTING INTERVIEW BEDESCRIPTIVE OF AN AWFFECTING INTERVIEW BE- bottom stair, with his hat in his hand, shouting out TWEEN MR. SAMUEL WELLER AND A FAMILY PAR- "Weller!" in his very loudest tone, at half-minute TY. MR. PICKWICK MAKES A TOUR OF THE DI- intervals intervals. MINUTIVE WORLD HE INHABITS, AND RESOLVES 1" Wot are you a-roarin' at?" said Sam, impetuousTO MIX WITH IT IN FUTURE AS LITTLE AS POSSI- ly, when the old gentleman had discharged himself BLE. of another shout; "makin' yourself so precious hot A FEW mornings after his incarceration, Mr. Sam- that you looks like a aggrawated glass-blower. uel Weller, having arranged his master's room Wot's the matter?" with all possible care, and seen him comfortably "Aha!" replied the old gentleman, "I began to be seated over his books and papers, withdrew to em- afeerd that you'd gone for a walk round the Regency ploy himself for an hour or two to come as he best Park, Sammy." could. It was a fine morning, and it occurred to " Cgme," said Sam," none o' them taunts agin the Sam that a pint of porter in the open air would wictim o' avarice, and come off that'ere step. Wot lighten his next quarter of an hour or so, as well as are you a-settin' down there for? I don't live there." any little amusement in which he could indulge. "I've got such a game for you, Sammy," said the Having arrived at this conclusion, he betook him- elder Mr. Weller, rising. self to the tap. Having purchased the beer, and ob- " Stop a minit," said Sam," you're all vite behind." APOPLECTIC SYMPTOMS. 265 "That's right, Sammy, rub it off," said Mr. Weller, "I'm afeerd," replied Mr. Weller, in a rapture of as his son dusted him. "It might look personal winks, "I'm afeerd I took vun or two on'em, Samhere, if a man walked about with whitevash on his my; he wos a-flyin' out o' the harm-cheer all the clothes, eh, Sammy?" way." As Mr. Weller exhibited in this place unequivocal Here the old gentleman shook his head from side symptoms of an approaching fit of chuckling, Sam to side, and was seized with a hoarse internal ruminterposed to stop it. bling, accompanied with a violent swelling of the " Keep quiet, do," said Sam; " there never vos such countenance, and a sudden increase in the breadth a old picter-card born. Wot are you bustin' vith of all his features; symptoms which alarmed his son now " not a little. "Sammy," said Mr. Weller, wiping his forehead, "Don't be frightened, Sammy, don't be frighten"I'm afeerd that vun o' these days I shall laugh my- ed," said the old gentleman, when, by dint of much self into a appleplexy, my boy." struggling, and various convulsive stamps upon the "Vell, then, wot do you do it for?" said Sam. ground, he had recovered his voice. "It's only a "Now, wot have you got to say?" kind o' quiet laugh as I'm a-tryin' to come, Sammy." "Who do you think's 6ome here with me, Sam- " Well, if that's wot it is," said Sam, " you'd better ivel?" said Mr. Weller, drawing back a pace or two, not try to come it agin. You'll find it rayther a pursing up his mouth, and extending his eyebrows. dangerous inwention." Pell?" said Sam. "Don't you like it, Sammy?" inquired the old genMr. Weller shook his head, and his red cheek ex- tleman. panded with the laughter that was endeavoring to "Not at all," replied Sam. find a vent. "Well," said Mr. Weller, with the tears still run"Mottle-faced man, p'r'aps?" suggested Sam. ning down his cheeks, " it'ud ha' been a wery great Again Mr. Weller shook his head. accommodation to me if I could ha' done it, and'ud " Who, then?" asked Sam. ha' saved a good many vords atween your mother-in" Your mother-in-law," said Mr. Weller; and it was law and me, sometimes; but I am afeerd you're right, lucky he did say it, or his cheeks must inevitably have Sammy: it's too much in the appleplexy line-a deal cracked, from their most unnatural distention. too much, Samivel." "Your mother-in-law, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, This conversation brought them to the door of the " and the red-nosed man, my boy; and the red-nosed snuggery, into which Sam-pausing for an instant man. Ho! ho! ho!" to look over his shoulder, and cast a sly leer at his With this Mr. Weller launched into convulsions respected progenitor, who was still giggling behind of laughter, while Sam regarded him with a broad -at once led the way. grin gradually overspreading his whole countenance. "Mother-in-law," said Sam, politely saluting the " They've come to have a little serious talk with lady, " wery much obliged to you for this here wisit. you, Samivel," said Mr. Weller, wiping his eyes. Shepherd, how air you?" "Don't let out nothin' about the unnat'ral creditor, " Oh, Samuel!" said Mrs. Weller, " this is dreadSammy." ful." "Wot, don't they know who it is?" inquired Sam. "Not a bit on it, mum," replied Sam. " Is it, shep"Not a bit on it," replied his father. herd?" "Vere are they?" said Sam, reciprocating all the Mr. Stiggins raised his hands, and turned up his old gentleman's grins. eyes, till the whites-or rather the yellows-were " In the snuggery," rejoined Mr. Weller. " Catch alone visible; but made no reply in words. the red-nosed man agoin' any vere but vere the liq- "Is this here gen'l'm'n troubled vith any painful uors is; not he, Samivel, not he. Ve'd a wery pleas- complaint?" said Sam, looking to his mother-in-law ant ride along the road from the Markis this mornin', for explanation. Sammy," said Mr. Weller, when he felt himself equal " The good man is grieved to see you here, Samto the task of speaking in an articulate manner. " I uel," replied Mrs. Weller. drove the old piebald, in that'ere little shay-cart as "Oh, that's it, is it?" said Sam. " I was afeerd, belonged to your mother-in-law's first wenter, into from his manner, that he might ha' forgotten to take vich a harm-cheer wos lifted for the shepherd; and pepper vith that'ere last cowcumber he eat. Set I'm blest," said Mr. Weller, with a look of deep scorn, down, sir; ve make no extra charge for the settin' " I'm blest if they didn't bring a portable flight o' down, as the king remarked wen he blowed up his steps out into the road a front o' our door, for him to ministers." get up by." "Young man," said Mr. Stiggins, ostentatiously, " You don't mean that?" said Sam. "I fear you are not softened by imprisonment." "' I do mean that, Sammy," replied his father, " and "Beg your pardon, sir," replied Sam; " wot wos I vish you could ha' seen how tight he held on by you graciously pleased to hobserve?" the sides wen he did get up, as if he wos afeerd o' "I apprehend, young man, that your nature is no being precipitayted down full six foot, and dashed softer for this chastisement," said Mr. Stiggins, in a into a million o' hatoms. He tumbled in at4ast, loud voice. however, and avay ve vent; and I rayther think-I " Sir," replied Sam, " you're wery kind to say so. say I rayther think, Samivel-that he found hisself a I hope my natur is not a soft vun, sir. Wery much little jolted wen ve turned the corners." obliged to you for your good opinion, sir." "Wot, I s'pose you happened to drive up agin a At this point of the conversation, a sound, indepost or two?" said Sam. corously approaching to a laugh, was heard to pro 266 THE PICKWICK CLUB. ceed from the chair in which the elder Mr. Weller stated her conviction that the red-nosed man was a was seated; upon which Mrs. Weller, on a hasty con- saint; whereupon Mr. Weller, senior, ventured to sideration of all the circumstances of the case, con- suggest, in an undertone, that he must be the repsidered it her bounden duty to become gradually resentative of the united parishes of Saint Simon hysterical. Without, and Saint Walker Within. "Weller," said Mrs. W. (the old gentleman was "I'm afeerd, mum," said Sam, that this here gen'seated in a corner); "Weller! Come forth." l'm'n, with the twist in his countenance, feels ray"Wery much obleeged to you, my dear," replied ther thirsty, with the melancholy spectacle afore Mr. Weller; "but I'm quite comfortable vere I am." him. Is it the case, mum?" Upon this, Mrs. Weller burst into tears. The worthy lady looked at Mr. Stiggins for a re" Wot's gone wrong, mum?" said Sam. ply; that gentleman, with many rollings of the eye, " Oh, Samuel!" replied Mrs. Weller, " your father clenched his throat with his right hand, and mimickmakes me wretched. Will nothing do him good?" ed the act of swallowing, to intimate that he was " Do you hear this here?" said Sam. " Lady wants athirst. to know vether nothin''ull do you good." "I am afraid, Samuel, that his feelings have made "Wery much indebted to Mrs. Weller for her him so, indeed," said Mrs. Weller, mournfully. MR. STIGGINS RAISED HIS HAND, AND TURNED UP HIS EYES. po-lite inquiries, Sammy," replied the old gentle- "Wot's your usual tap, sir 7" replied Sam. man. " I think a pipe vould benefit me a good deal. "Oh, my dear young friend," replied Mr. Stiggins, Could I be accommodated, Sammy 7" "all taps is vanities!" Here Mrs. Weller let fall some more tears, and Mr. "Too true, too true, indeed," said Mrs. Weller, murStiggins groaned. muring a groan, and shaking her head assentingly. "Halloo! Here's this unfort'nate gen'l'm'n took "Well," said Sam, "I des-say they may be, sir; ill agin," said Sam, looking round. " Where do you but which is your partickler wanity. Vich wanity feel it now, sir " do you like the flavor on, best, sir 7" " In the same place, young man," rejoined Mr. Stig- "Oh, my dear young friend," replied Mr. Stiggins, gins; in the same place." " I despise them all. If," said Mr. Stiggins, " if there "Where may that be, sir?" inquired Sam, with is auy one of them less odious than another, it is the great outward simplicity. liquor called rum. Warm, my dear young friend, " In the buzzim, young man," replied Mr. Stiggins, with three lumps of sugar to the tumbler." placing his umbrella on hi, waistcoat. "Wery sorry to say, sir," said Sam, "that they At this affecting reply, Mrs. Weller, being wholly don't allow that particular wanity to be sold in this unable to suppress her feelings, sobbed aloud, and here establishment." GRACE AND GRACELESSNESS. 267 "Oh, the hardness of heart of these inveterate plication of strong waters, she dropped a tear with men!" ejaculated Mr. Stiggins. "Oh, the accursed every drop of negus, and so got on, melting the feelcruelty of these inhuman persecutors!" ings down, until at length she had arrived at a very With these words, Mr. Stiggins again cast up his pathetic and decent pitch of misery. eyes, and rapped his breast with his umbrella; and The elder Mr. Weller observed these signs and toit is but justice to the reverend gentleman to say, kens with many manifestations of disgust, and when that his indignation appeared very real and unfeign- after a second jug of the same, Mr. Stiggins began to ed indeed. sigh in a dismal manner, he plainly evinced his disAfter Mrs. Weller and the red-nosed gentleman approbation of the whole proceedings by sundry inhad commented on this inhuman usage in a very coherent ramblings of speech, among which frequent forcible manner, and had vented a variety of pious angry repetitions of the word "gammon" were alone and holy execrations against its authors, the latter distinguishable to the ear. recommended a bottle of port-wine, warmed with a "I'll tell you wot it is, Samivel my boy," whisperlittle water, spice, and sugar, as being grateful to ed the old gentleman into his son's ear, after a long the stomach, and savoring less of vanity than many and steadfast contemplation of his lady and Mr. other compounds. It was accordingly ordered to be Stiggins; "I think there must be somethin' wrong prepared. Pending its preparation, the red-nosed in your mother-in-law's inside, as veil as in that o' man and Mrs. Weller looked at the elder W. and the red-nosed man." groaned. "Wot do you mean?" said Sam. " Well, Sammy," said that gentleman, "I hope " I mean this here, Sammy," replied the old genyou'll find your spirits rose by this here lively wisit.tleman," that wot they drink don't seem no nourishWery cheerful and improvin' conwersation, ain't it, ment to'em; it all turns to warm water, and comes Sammy" " a-pourin' out o' their eyes.'Pend upon it, Sammy, " You're a reprobate," replied Sam; " and I desire it's a constitootional infirmity." you won't address no more o' them ungraceful re- Mr. Weller delivered this scientific opinion with marks to me." many confirmatory frowns and nods; which, Mrs. So far from being edified by this very proper re- Weller remarking, and concluding that they bore ply, the elder Mr. Weller at once relapsed into a some disparaging reference either to herself or to broad grin; and this inexorable conduct causing' Mr. Stiggins, or to both, was on the point of becomthe lady and Mr. Stiggins to close their eyes, and ing infinitely worse, when Mr. Stiggins, getting on rock themselves to and fro on their chairs in a trou- his legs as well as he could, proceeded to deliver an bled manner, he furthermore indulged in several edifying discourse for the benefit of the company, acts of pantomime, indicative of a desire to pummel but more especially of Mr. Samuel, whom he adjured and wring the nose of the aforesaid Stiggins, the in moving terms to be upon his guard in that sink performance of which appeared to afford him great of iniquity into which he was cast; to abstain from mental relief. The old gentleman very narrowly all hypocrisy and pride of heart; and to take in all escaped detection in one instance; for Mr. Stiggins things exact pattern and copy by him (Stiggins), in happening to give a start on the arrival of the which case he might calculate on arriving, sooner or negus, brought his head in smart contact with the later, at the comfortable conclusion that, like him, clenched fist with which Mr. Weller had been de- he was a most estimable and blameless character, scribing imaginary fire-works in the air, within two and that all his acquaintance and friends were hopeinches of his ear, for some minutes. lessly abandoned and profligate wretches. Which "Wot are you a-reachin' out your hand for the consideration, he said, could not but afford him the tumbler in that'ere sawage way for " said Sam, liveliest satisfaction. with great promptitude. "Don't you see you've hit He furthermore conjured him to avoid, above all the gen'l'm'n?" things, the vice of intoxication, which he likened " I didn't go to do it, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, in unto the filthy habits of swine, and to those poisonsome degree abashed by the very unexpected occur- ous and baleful drugs which, being chewed in the rence of the incident. mouth, are said to filch away the memory. At this "Try an in'ard application, sir," said Sam, as the point of his discourse, the reverend and red-nosed red-nosed gentleman rubbed his head with a rueful gentleman became singularly incoherent, and stagvisage. " Wot do you think o' that, for a go o' wan- gering to and fro in the excitement of his eloquence, ity warm, sir?" was fain to catch at the back of a chair to preserve Mr. Stiggins made no verbal answer, but his man- his perpendicular. ner was expressive. He tasted the contents of the Mr. Stiggins did not desire his hearers to be upon glass which Sam had placed in his hand; put his their guard against those false prophets and wretchumbrella on the floor, and tasted it again: passing ed mockers of religion who, without sense to exhis hand placidly across his stomach twice or thrice; pound its first doctrines, or hearts to feel its first he then drank the whole at a breath, and smacking principles, are more dangerous members of society his lips, held out the tumbler for more. than the common criminal; imposing, as they necNor was Mrs. Weller behindhand in doing jastice essarily do, upon the weakest and worst informed, to the composition. The good lady began by pro- casting scorn and contempt on what should be held testing that she couldn't touch a drop-then took a most sacred, and bringing into partial disrepute small drop-then a large drop-then a great many large bodies of virtuous and well-conducted persons drops; and her feelings being of the nature of those of many excellent sects and persuasions. But as he substances which are powerfully affected by the ap- leaned over the back of the chair for a considerable 268 THE PICKWICK CLUB. time, and closing one eye, winked a good deal with find as he's got money to spend, Sammy. Let the the other, it is presumed that he thought all this, gov'ner stop there till Mrs. Bardell's dead, or Mr. but kept it to himself. t Dodson and Fogg's hung (wich last ewent I think During the delivery of the oration, Mrs. Weller is the most likely to happen first, Sammy), and then sobbed and wept at the end of the paragraphs; let him come back and write a book about the'Merwhile Sam, sitting cross-legged on a chair and rest- rikins as'll pay all his expenses and more if he blows ing his arms on the top rail, regarded the speaker'em up enough." with great suavity and blandness of demeanor; oc- Mr. Weller delivered this hurried abstract of his casionally bestowing a look of recognition on the old plot with great vehemence of whisper; then, as if gentleman, who was delighted at the beginning, and fearful of weakening the effect of the tremendous went to sleep about half-way. communication by any further dialogue, he gave the "Brayvo; wery pretty!" said Sam, when the red- coachman's salute, and vanished. nosed man, having finished, pulled his worn gloves Sam had scarcely recovered his usual composure on: thereby thrusting his fingers through the bro- of countenance, which had been greatly disturbed ken tops till the knuckles were disclosed to view. by the secret communication of his respected rela"Wery pretty." tive, when Mr. Pickwick accosted him. "I hope it may do you good, Samuel," said Mrs. "Sam," said that gentleman. Weller, solemnly. " Sir," replied Mr. Weller. " I think it vill, mum," replied Sam. "I am going for a walk round the prison, and I " I wish I could hope that it would do your father wish you to attend me. I see a prisoner we know good," said Mrs. Weller. coming this way, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, smiling. "Thankee, my dear," said Mr. Weller, senior. "Wich, sir?" inquired Mr. Weller; " the gen'l'm'n " How do you find yourself arter it, my love?" vith the head o' hair, or the interestin' captive in " Scoffer!" exclaimed Mrs. Weller. the stockin's?" "Benighted man!" said the reverend Mr. Stiggins. "Neither," rejoined Mr. Pickwick. "He is an "If I don't get no better light than that'ere older friend of yours, Sam." moonshine o' yourn, my worthy creetur," said the "O' mine, sir?" exclaimed Mr. Weller. elder Mr. Weller, "it's wery likely as I shall con- "You recollect the gentleman very well, I dare tiney to be a night-coach till I'm took off the road say, Sam," replied Mr. Pickwick, "or else you are altogether. Now, Mrs. We, if the piebald stands at more unmindful of your old acquaintances than I livery much longer, he'll stand at nothin' as we go think you are. Hush! not a word, Sam, not a syllaback, and p'raps that'ere harm-cheer'ull be tipped ble. Here he is." over into some hedge or another, with the shepherd As Mr. Pickwick spoke, Jingle walked up. He in it." looked less miserable than before, being clad in a At this supposition, the reverend Mr. Stiggins, in half-worn suit of clothes, which, with Mr. Pickwick's evident consternation, gathered up his hat and um- assistance, had been released from the pawnbroker's. brella, and proposed an immediate departure, to He wore clean linen too, and had had his hair cut. which Mrs. Weller assented. Sam walked with He was very pale and thin, however; and as he crept them to the lodge-gate, and took a dutiful leave. slowly up, leaning on a stick, it was easy to see that "A-do, Samivel," said the old gentleman. he had suffered severely from illness and want, and " Wot's a-do?" inquired Sammy. was still very weak. He took off his hat as Mr. " Well, good-bye, then," said the old gentleman. Pickwick saluted him, and seemed much humbled " Oh, that's wot you're a-aimin' at, is it?" said and abashed at sight of Sam Weller. Sam. " Good-bye!" Following close at his heels came Mr. Job Trotter, "Sammy," whispered Mr. Weller, looking cau- in the catalogue of whose vices, want of faith and tiously round; "my duty to your gov'ner, and tell attachment to his companion could at all events find him if he thinks better o' this here bis'ness, to com- no place. He was still ragged and squalid, but his moonicate vith me. Me and a cab'net-maker has face was not quite so hollow as on his first meeting dewised a plan for gettin' him out. A pianner, Sam- with Mr. Pickwick, a few days before. As he took ivel, a pianner!" said Mr. Weller, striking his son on off his hat to our benevolent old friend, he murmured the chest with the back of his hand, and falling back some broken expressions of gratitude, and muttered a step or two. something about having been saved from starving. " Wot do you mean?" said Sam. "Well, well," said Mr. Pickwick, impatiently in"A pianner-forty, Samivel," rejoined Mr. Weller, terrupting him, " you can follow with Sam. I want in a still more mysterious manner, " as he can have to speak to you, Mr. Jingle. Can you walk without on hire; vun as von't play, Sammy." his arm?7 "And wot'ud be the good o' that?" said Sam. "Certainly, sir-all ready-not too fast-legs "Let him send to my friend, the cab'net-maker, to shaky-head queer-round and round-earthquaky fetch it back, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller. "Are you sort of feeling-very." awake, now?" "Here, give me your arm," said Mr. Pickwick. "No," rejoined Sam. "No, no," replied Jingle; "won't indeed-rather ".There ain't no vurks in it," whispered his fa- not." ther. "It ull hold him easy, vith his hat and shoes'" Nonsense,' said Mr. Pickwick; "lean upon me, I on, and breathe through the legs, vich is holler. desire, sir." Have a passage ready taken for'Merriker. The Seeing that he was confused and agitated, and'Merrikiu gov'ment will never give him up ven they uncertain what to do, Mr. Pickwick cut the matter DOWN, B UT SPARED. 269 short by drawing the invalided stroller's arm through "Come on," said Sam; "come on!"' He deigned his, and leading him away without saying another no further explanation until they reached the tap; word about it. and then called for a pot of porter, which was speedDuring the whole of this time the countenance of ily produced. j Mr. Samuel Weller had exhibited an expression of "Now," said Sam, "drink that up, ev'ry drop on the most overwhelming and absorbing astonishment it, and then turn the pot upside down, to let me see that the imagination can portray. After looking as you've took the med'cine." from Job to Jingle, and from Jingle to Job in pro- "But, my dear Mr. Weller," remonstrated Job. found silence, he softly ejaculated the words, "Well, "Down vith it!" said Sam, peremptorily. I am damn'd!" Which he repeated at least a score Thus admonished, Mr. Trotter raised the pot to his of times: after which exertion, he appeared wholly lips, and, by gentle and almost imperceptible debereft of speech, and again cast his eyes, first upon grees, tilted it into the air. He paused once, and the one and then upon the other, in mute perplexity only once, to draw a long breath, but without raisand bewilderment. ing his face from the vessel, which, in a few moments "Now, Sam!" said Mr. Pickwick, looking back. thereafter, he held out at arms-length, bottom up"I'm a-comin', sir," replied Mr. Weller, mechan- ward. Nothing fell upon the ground but a few parically following his master; and still he lifted not tides of froth, which slowly detached themselves his eyes from Mr. Job Trotter, who walked at his from the rim and trickled lazily down. side in silence. "Well done!" said Sam. " How do you find yourJob kept his eyes fixed on the ground for some self arter it?" time. Sam, with his glued to Job's countenance, ran "Better, sir. I think I am better," responded Job. up against the people who were walking about, and "0' course you air," said Sam, argumentatively. fell over little children, and stumbled against steps "It's like puttin' gas in a balloon. I can see with and railings, without appearing at all sensible of it, the naked eye that you gets stouter under the operuntil Job, looking stealthily up, said, ation. Wot do you say to another o' the same di" How do you do, Mr. Weller " mensions?" "It is him!" exclaimed Sam: and having estab- "I would rather not, I am much obliged to you, lished Job's identity beyong all doubt, he smote his sir," replied Job, "much rather not." leg, and vented his feelings in a long, shrill whistle. "Vell, then, wot do you say to some wittles?" in" Things has altered with me, sir," said Job. quired Sam. " I should think they had," exclaimed Mr. Weller, "Thanks to your worthy governor, sir," said Mr. surveying his companion's rags with undisguised Trotter, " we have half a leg of mutton, baked, at a wonder. "This is rayther a change for the worse, quarter before three, with the potatoes under it to Mr. Trotter, as the gen'l'm'n said, wen he got two save boiling." doubtful shillin's and sixpenn'orth o' pocket-pieces "Wot! Has he been a-purwidin' for you?" asked for a good half-crown." Sam, emphatically. "It is, indeed," replied Job, shaking his head. "He has, sir," replied Job. "More than that, Mr. " There is no deception now, Mr. Weller. Tears," Weller; my master being very ill, he got us a room said Job, with a look of momentary slyness, "tears -we were in a kennel before-and paid for it, sir; are not the only proofs of distress, nor the best ones." and come to look at us at night, when nobody should "No, they ain't," replied Sam, expressively. know. Mr. Weller," said Job, with real tears in his " They may be put on, Mr. Weller," said Job. eyes, for once, "I could serve that gentleman till I "I know they may," said Sam; "some people in- fell down dead at his feet. deed, has'em always ready laid on, and can pull out " I say!" said Sam, " I'll trouble you, my friendthe plug wenever they likes." none o' that!" "Yes," replied Job; "but these sort of things are Job Trotter looked amazed. not so easily counterfeited, Mr. Weller, and it is a "None o' that, I say, young feller," repeated Sam, more painful process to get them up." As he spoke, firmly. "No man serves him but me. And now he pointed to his sallow, sunken cheeks, and, draw- we're upon it, I'll let you into another secret besides ing up his coat-sleeves, disclosed an arm which look- that," said Sam, as he paid for the beer. " I never ed as if the bone could be broken at a touch: so heerd, mind you, nor read of in story-books, nor see sharp and brittle did it appear beneath its thin cov- in picters, any angel in tights and gaiters-not even ering of flesh. in spectacles, as I remember, though that may ha' "Wot have you been a-doin' to yourself?" said been done for any thin' I know to the contraireySam, recoiling. but mark my vords, Job Trotter, he's a reg'lar thor" Nothing," replied Job. ough-bred angel for all that; and let me see the man "Nothin'!" echoed Sam. as wenturs to tell me he knows a better vun." With "I have been doing nothing for many weeks past," this defiance, Mr. Weller buttoned up his change in said Job; "and eating and drinking almost as little." a side-pocket, and, with many confirmatory nods Sam took one comprehensive glance at Mr. Trot- and gestures by-the-way, proceeded in search of the ter's thin face and wretched apparel; and then, subject of discourse. seizing him by the arm, commenced dragging him They found Mr. Pickwick, in company with Jinaway with great violence. gle talking very earnestly, and not bestowing a look "Where are you going, Mr. Weller?" said Job, on the groups who were congregated on the racketvainly struggling in the powerful grasp of his old ground; they were very motley groups too, and enemy. worth the looking at, if it were only in idle curiosity. 270 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Well," said Mr. Pickwick, as Sam and his cor- ling-shop, sir, is where they sell spirits." Mr. Job panion drew nigh, "you will see how your health Trotter briefly explained here, that all persons, being becomes, and think about it meanwhile. Make the prohibited under heavy penalties from conveying statement out for me when you feel yourself equal spirits into debtors' prisons, and such commodities to the task, and I will discuss the subject with you being highly prized by the ladies and gentlemen conwhen I have considered it. Now go to your room. fined therein, it had occurred to some speculative You are tired, and not strong enough to be out turnkey to connive, for certain lucrative considerlong." ations, at two or three prisoners retailing the favorMr. Alfred Jingle, without one spark of his old ani- ite article of gin for their own profit and advantage. mation-with nothing even of the dismal gayety "This plan you see, sir, has been gradually introwhich he had assumed when Mr. Pickwick first stum- duced into all the prisons for debt," said Mr. Trotter. bled on him in his misery —bowed low without "And it has this wery great advantage," said Sam, speaking, and, motioning to Job not to follow him "that the turnkeys takes wery good care to seize just yet, crept slowly away. hold o' ev'ry body but them as pays'em, that at"Curious scene this, is it not, Sam?" said Mr. tempts the willainy, and wen it gets in the papers Pickwick, looking good-humoredly round. they're applauded for their wigilance; so it cuts two "Wery much so, sir," replied Sam. "Wonders ways-frightens other people from the trade, and'ull never cease," added Sam, speaking to himself. elewates their own characters." " I'm wery much mistaken if that'ere Jingle worn't "Exactly so, Mr. Weller," observed Job. a-doin' somethin' in the water-cart way!" "Well, but are these rooms never searched, to asThe area formed by the wall in that part of the certain whether any spirits are concealed in them?" Fleet in which Mr. Pickwick stood was just wide said Mr. Pickwick. enough to make a good racket-court; one side being "Cert'nly they are, sir," replied Sam; "but the formed, of course, by the wall itself, and the other turnkeys knows beforehand, and gives the word to by that portion of the prison which looked (or rath- the wistlers, and you may wistle for it wen you go to er would have looked, but for the wall) toward St. look." Pauls Cathedral. Sauntering or sitting about, in By this time Job had tapped at a door, which was every possible attitude of listless idleness, were a opened by a gentleman with an uncombed head, who great number of debtors, the major part of whom bolted it after them when they had walked in, and were waiting in prison until their day of " going up" grinned; upon which Job grinned, and Sam also; before the Insolvent Court should arrive; while oth- whereupon Mr. Pickwick, thinking it might be exers had been remanded for various terms, which they pected of him, kept on smiling to the end of the inwere idling away as they best could. Some were terview. shabby, some were smart, many dirty, a few clean; The gentleman with the uncombed head appeared but there they all lounged, and loitered, and slunk quite satisfied with this mute announcement of their about, with as little spirit or purpose as the beasts business, and producing a flat stone bottle, which in a menagerie. might hold about a couple of quarts, from beneath Lolling from the windows which commanded a his bedstead, filled out three glasses of gin, which view of this promenade were a number of persons, Job Trotter and Sam disposed of in a most workmansome in noisy conversation with their acquaintance like manner. below, others playing at ball with some adventurous "Any more?" said the whistling gentleman. throwers outside, others looking on at the racket- " No more," replied Job Trotter. players, or watching the boys as they cried the game. Mr. Pickwick paid, the door was unbolted, and out Dirty slipshod women passed and repassed, on their they came; the uncombed gentleman bestowing a way to the cooking-house in one corner of the yard; friendly nod upon Mr. Roker, who happened to be children screamed, and fought, and played together, passing at the moment. in another; the tumbling of the skittles, and the From this spot Mr. Pickwick wandered along all shouts of the players, mingled perpetually with these the galleries, up and down all the staircases, and and a hundred other sounds; and all was noise and once again round the whole area of the yard. The tumult, save in a little miserable shed a few yards great body of the prison population appeared to be off, where lay, all quiet and ghastly, the body of the Mivins, and Smangle, and the parson, and the butchChancery prisoner who had died the night before, er, and the leg, over and over, and over again. There awaiting the mockery of an inquest. The body! It were the same squalor, the same turmoil and noise, is the lawyer's term for the restless whirling mass the same general characteristics, in every corner; in of cares and anxieties, affections, hopes, and griefs, the best and the worst alike. The whole place seemthat make up the living man. The law had his ed restless and troubled; and the people were crowdbody; and there it lay, clothed in grave-clothes, an ing and flitting to and fro, like the shadows in an awful witness to its tender mercy. uneasy dream. " Would you like to see a'whistling-shop, sir I" in- "I have seen enough," said Mr. Pickwick, as he quired Job Trotter. threw himself into a chair in his little apartment. "What do you mean?" was Mr. Pickwick's coun- "My head aches with these scenes, and my heart too. ter inquiry. Henceforth I will be a prisoner in my own room." "A vistlin'-shop, sir," interposed Mr. Weller. And Mr. Pickwick steadfastly adhered to this de" What is that, Sam? A bird-fancier's?" inquired termination. For three long months he remained Mr. Pickwick. shut up all day; only stealing out at night, to breathe " Bless your heart, no, sir," replied Job; " a whist- the air, when the greater part of his fellow-prisoners MASTER BARDELL IS UNCOMMUNICATIVE. 271 were in bed, or carousing in their rooms. His health "Don't talk to me, you creetur, don't," retorted was beginning to suffer from the closeness of the con- the lady. "The house with the red door, cabmin. finement; but neither the often-repeated entreaties Oh! If ever a woman was troubled with a ruffianly of Perker and his friends, nor the still more frequent- creetur, that takes a pride and a pleasure in disgracely-repeated warnings and admonitions of Mr. Sam- ing his wife on every possible occasion afore stranuel Weller, could induce him to alter one jot of his gers, I am that woman!" inflexible resolution. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Raddle," said the other little woman, who was no other than Mrs. Cluppins. "What have I been a-doing of?" asked Mr. RadCHAPTER XLVI. dle. "Don't talk to me, don't, you brute, for fear I RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING, should be perwoked to forgit my sect and strike you!" NOT UNMIXED WITH PLEASANTRY, ACHIEVED AND said Mrs. Raddle. PERFORMED BY MESSRS. DODSON AND FOGG. While this dialogue was going on, the driver was IT was within a week of the close of the month of most ignominiously leading the horse by the bridle July, that a hackney cabriolet, number unrecord- up to the house with the red door, which Master Bared, was seen to proceed at a rapid pace up Goswell dell had already opened. Here was a mean and low Street; three people were squeezed into it besides way of arriving at a friend's house! No dashing up, the driver, who sat in his own particular little dick- with all the fire and fury of the animal; no jumping ey at the side; over the apron were hung two shawls, down of the driver; no loud knocking at the door; belonging to two small vixenish-looking ladies under no opening of the apron with a crash at the very last the apron; between whom, compressed into a very moment, for fear of the ladies sitting in a draught; small compass, was stowed away a gentleman of and then the man handing the shawls out afterward, heavy and subdued demeanor, who, whenever he ven- as if he were a private coachman! The whole edge turedto make anobservation, was snapped up short by of the thing had been taken off; it was flatter than one of the vixenish ladies before mentioned. Lastly, walking. the two vixenishjadies and the heavy gentleman were "Well, Tommy," said Mrs. Cluppins, " how's your giving the driver contradictory directions, all tend- poor dear mother?" ing to the one point that he should stop at Mrs. Bar- "Oh, she's very well," replied Master Bardell. dell's door; which the heavy gentleman, in direct "She's in the front parlor, all ready. I'm ready too, opposition to, and defiance of, the vixenish ladies, I am." Here Master Bardell put his hands in his contended was a green door, and not a yellow one. pockets, and jumped off and on the bottom step of "Stop at the house with the green door, driver," the door. said the heavy gentleman. "Is any body else agoin', Tommy " said Mrs. "Oh! you perwerse creetur!" exclaimed one of Cluppins, arranging her pelerine. the vixenish ladies. "Drive to the ouse with the "Mrs. Sanders is going, she is," replied Tommy. yellow door, cabman." "I'm going too, I am." Upon this, the cabman, who in a sudden effort to "Drat the boy," said little Mrs. Cluppins. "He pull up at the house with the green door had pulled thinks of nobody but himself. Here, Tommy dear." the horse up so high that he nearly pulled him back- " Well," said Master Bardell. ward into the cabriolet, let the animal's fore legs "Who else is agoin', lovey?" said Mrs. Cluppins in down to the ground again, and paused. an insinuating manner. "Now vere am I to pull up?" inquired the driver. " Oh! Mrs. Rogers is agoin'," replied Master Bar"Settle it among yourselves. All I ask is, vere?" dell, opening his eyes very wide as he delivered the Here the contest was renewed with increased vi- intelligence. olence; and the horse being troubled with a fly on "What! The lady as has taken the lodgings!" his nose, the cabman humanely employed his leisure ejaculated Mrs. Cluppins. in lashing him about on the head, on the counter-ir- Master Bardell put his hands deeper down into his ritation principle. pockets, and nodded exactly thirty-five times, to im"Most wotes carries the day!" said one of the vix- ply that it was the lady lodger, and no other. enish ladies at length. "The ouse with the yellow "Bless us!" said Mrs. Cluppins. "It's quite a door, cabmin." party!" But after the cabriolet had dashed up in splendid " Ah, if you knew what was in the cupboard, you'd style to the house with the yellow door, "making," say so," replied Master Bardell. as one of the vixenish ladies triumphantly said, " act- "What is there, Tommy?" said Mrs. Cluppins errally more noise than if one had come in one's own coaxingly. "You'll tell me, Tommy, I know." carriage"-and after the driver had dismounted to "No, I won't," replied Master Bardell, shaking his assist the ladies in getting out-the small round head, and applying himself to the bottom step again. head of Master Thomas Bardell was thrust out of the "Drat tlb child!" muttered Mrs. Cluppins. " What one-pair window of a house with a red door, a few a prowokin7 little wretch it is. Come, Tommy, tell numbers off. your dear Cluppy." "Aggrawatin' thing!" said the vixenish lady last "Mother said I wasn't to," rejoined Master Barmentioned, darting a withering glance at the heavy dell, "I'm agoin' to have some, I am." Cheered by gentleman. this prospect, the precious boy applied himself to " My dear, it's not my fault," said the gentleman. his infantile treadmill with increased vigor. 272 THE PICKWICK CLUB. The above examination of a child of tender years "Why, Mrs. Rogers, ma'am," said Mrs. Bardell, took place while Mr. and Mrs. Raddle and the cab- "you've never been introduced, I declare! Mr. Raddriver were having an altercation concerning the die, ma'am; Mrs. Cluppins, ma'am; Mrs. Raddle, fare: which, terminating at this point in favor of ma'am." the cabman, Mrs. Raddle came up tottering. "-Which is Mrs. Cluppins's sister," suggested "Lauk, Mary Ann! what's the matter?" said Mrs. Mrs. Sanders. Cluppins. "Oh, indeed!" said Mrs. Rodgers, graciously; for "It's put me all over in such a tremble, Betsey," she was the lodger, and her servant was in waiting, replied Mrs. Raddle. "Raddle ain't like a man; he so she was more gracious than intimate, in right of leaves every think to me." her position. " Oh, indeed!" This was scarcely fair upon the unfortunate Mr. Mrs. Raddle smiled sweetly, Mr. Raddle bowed, and Raddle, who had been thrust aside by his good lady Mrs. Cluppins said " she was sure she was very hapin the commencement of the dispute, and perempto- py to have an opportunity of being known to a lady rily commanded to hold his tongue. He had no op- which she had heerd so much in favior of, as Mrs. portunity of defending himself, however, for Mrs. Rogers." A compliment which the last-named lady Raddle gave unequivocal signs of fainting; which, acknowledged with graceful condescension. being perceived from the parlor window, Mrs. Bar- "Well, Mr. Raddle," said Mrs. Bardell, "I'm sure dell, Mrs. Sanders, the lodger, and the lodger's serv- you ought to feel very much honored at you and ant, darted precipitately out, and conveyed her into Tommy being the only gentlemen to escort so many the house: all talking at the same time, and giving ladies all the way to the Spaniards, at Hampstead. utterance to various expressions of pity and condo- Don't you think he ought, Mrs. Rogers, ma'am?" lence, as if she were one of the most suffering mor- "Oh, certainly, ma'am," replied Mrs. Rogers; after tals on earth. Being conveyed into the front parlor, whom all the other ladies responded " Oh, certainly." she was there deposited on a sofa; and the lady from " Of course I feel it, ma'am," said Mr. Raddle, rubthe first-floor running up to the first-floor, returned bing his hands, and evincing a slight tendency to with a bottle of sal volatile, which, holding Mrs. brighten up a little. "Indeed, to tell you the truth, Raddle tight round the neck, she applied in all worn- I said, as we was a-coming along in the cabrioily-" anly kindness and pity to her nose, until that lady, At the recapitulation of the word which awakened with many plunges and struggles, was fain to declare so many painful recollections, Mrs. Raddle applied herself decidedly better. her handkerchief to her eyes again, and uttered a < "Ah, poor thing!" said Mrs. Rodgers, "I know what half-suppressed scream; so Mrs. Bardell frowned upon her feelin's is, too well." Mr. Raddle, to intimate that he had better not say "Ah, poor thing! so do I," said Mrs. Sanders; and any thing more, and desired Mrs. Roger's servant, then all the ladies moaned in unison, and said they with an air, to "put the wine on." knew what it was, and they pitied her from their This was the signal for displaying the hidden treashearts, they did. Even the lodger's little servant, ures of the closet, which comprised sundry plates of who was thirteen years old, and three feet high, oranges and biscuits, and a bottle of old crusted port murmured her sympathy. -that at one-and-nine-with another of the cele"But what's been the matter " said Mrs. Bardell. brated East India sherry at fourteen-pence, which "Ah, what has decomposed you, ma'am?" inquired were all produced in honor of the lodger, and affordMrs. Rogers. ed unlimited satisfaction to every body. After great " I have been a good deal flurried," replied Mrs. consternation had been excited in the mind of Mrs. Raddle, in a reproachful manner. Thereupon the Cluppins, by an attempt on the part of Tommy to ladies cast indignant looks at Mr. Raddle. recount how he had been cross-examined regarding "Why, the fact is," said that unhappy gentleman, the cupboard then in action (which was fortunately stepping forward, " when we alighted at this door, a nipped in the bud by his imbibing half a glass of the dispute arose with the driver of the cabrioily-" A old crusted "the wrong way," and thereby endanloud scream from his wife at the mention of this gering his life for some seconds), the party walked word rendered all further explanation inaudible. forth in quest of a Hampstead stage. This was soon "You'd better leave us to bring her round, Rad- found, and in a couple of hours they all arrived safedle," said Mrs. Cluppins. "She'll never get better ly in the Spaniards Tea-gardens, where the luckless as long as you're here." Mr. Raddle's very first act nearly occasioned his good All the ladies concurred in this opinion; so Mr. lady a relapse; it being neither more nor less than Raddle was pushed out of the room, and requested to order tea for seven, whereas (as the ladies one and to give himself an airing in the back yard. Which all remarked), what could have been easier than for he did for about a quarter of an hour, when Mrs. Tommy to have drank out of any body's cup-or evBardell announced to him with a solemn face that ery body's, if that was all-when the waiter wasn't he might come in now, but that he must be very looking: which would have saved one head of tea, careful how he behaved toward his wife. She knew and the tea just as good! he didn't mean to be unkind; but Mary Ann was However, there was no help for it, and the tea-tray very far from strong, and, if he didn't take care, he came, with seven cups and saucers, and bread-andmight lose her when he least expected it, which butter on the same scale. Mrs. Bardell was unaniwould be a very dreadful reflection for him after- mously voted into the chair, and Mrs. Rodgers being ward; and so on. All this Mr. Raddle heard with stationed on her right hand, and Mrs. Raddle on her great submission, and presently returned to the par- left, the meal proceeded with great merriment and lor in a most lamb-like manner. success. UNMYALY CONDUCT OF MR. RADDLES. 273 "How sweet the country is, to be sure!" sighed As the lady spoke these words, Mr. Jackson turned Mrs. Rogers; " I almost wish I lived in it always." from the coach where he had been addressing some " Oh, you wouldn't like that, ma'am," replied Mrs. observations to a shabby man in black leggings, who Bardell, rather hastily; for it was not at all advis- had just emerged from the vehicle with a thick ash able, with reference to the lodgings, to encourage stick in his hand, and made his way to the place such notions; "you wouldn't like it, ma'am." where the ladies were seated; winding his hair "Oh! I should think you was a deal too lively round the brim of his hat as he came along. and sought after, to be content with the country, "Is any thing the matter Has any thing taken ma'am," said little Mrs. Cluppins. place, Mr. Jackson?" said Mrs. Bardell, eagerly. "Perhaps I am, ma'am. Perhaps I am," sighed " Nothing whatever, ma'am," replied Mr. Jackson. the first-floor lodger. "How de do, ladies? I have to ask pardon, ladies, "For lone people as have got nobody to care for for intruding-but the law, ladies-the law." With them, or take care of them, or as have been hurt in this apology Mr. Jackson smiled, made a compretheir mind, or that kind of thing," observed Mr. hensive bow, and gave his hair another wind. Mrs. Raddle, plucking up a little cheerfulness, and look- Rogers whispered Mrs. Raddle that he was really an ing round, "the country is all very well. The coun- elegant young man. try for a wounded spirit, they say." "I called in Goswell Street," resumed Jackson, Now, of all things in the world that the unfor- "and hearing that you were here, from the slavey, tunate man could have said, any would have been took a coach and came on. Our people want you preferable to this. Of course Mrs. Bardell burst into down in the city directly, Mrs. Bardell." tears, and requested to be led from the table in- " Lor!" ejaculated that lady, starting at the sudstantly; upon which the affectionate child began to den nature of the communication. cry too, most dismally. " Yes," said Jackson, biting his lip. " It's very im"Would any body believe, ma'am," exclaimed Mrs. portant and pressing business, which can't be postRaddle, turning fiercely to the first-floor lodger, "that poned on any account. Indeed, Dodson expressly a woman could be married to such a unmanly cree- said so to me, and so did Fogg. I've kept the coach tur, which can tamper with a woman's feelings as on purpose for you to go back in." he does every hour in the day, ma'am?" "How very strange!" exclaimed Mrs. Bardell. "My dear," remonstrated Mr. Raddle, "I didn't The ladies agreed that it was very strange, but mean any thing, my dear." were unanimously of opinion that it must be very "You didn't mean!" repeated Mrs. Raddle, with' important, or Dodson and Fogg would never have great scorn and contempt. "Go away. I can't bear sent; and further, that the business being urgent, the sight on you, you brute." she ought to repair to Dodson and Fogg's without " You must not flurry yourself, Mary Ann," inter- any delay. posed Mrs. Cluppins. "You really must consider There was a certain degree of pride and imporyourself, my dear, which you never do. Now go tance about being wanted by one's lawyers in such a away, Raddle, there's a good soul, or you'll only ag- monstrous hurry, that was by no means displeasing gravate her." to Mrs. Bardell, especially as it might be reasonably " You had better take your tea by yourself, sir, in- supposed to enhance her consequence in the eyes of deed," said Mrs. Rogers, again applying the smelling- the first-floor lodger. She simpered a little, affected bottle. extreme vexation and hesitation, and at last arrived Mrs. Sanders, who according to custom was very at the conclusion that she supposed she must go. busy with the bread-and-butter, expressed the same " But won't you refresh yourself after your walk, opinion, and Mr. Raddle quietly retired. Mr. Jackson?" said Mrs. Bardell, persuasively. After this there was a great hoisting up of Master " Why, really there ain't much time to lose," reBardell, who was rather a large size for hugging, plied Jackson; "and I've got a friend here," he into his mother's arms: in which operation he got continued, looking toward the man with the ash his boots in the tea-board, and occasioned some con- stick. fusion among the cups and saucers. But that de- "Oh, ask your friend to come here, sir," said Mrs. scription of fainting-fits, which is contagious among Bardell. " Pray ask your friend here, sir." ladies, seldom lasts long; so when he had been well "Why, thankee, I'd rather not," said Mr. Jackson, kissed, and a little cried over, Mrs. Bardell recov- with some embarrassment of manner. "He's not ered, set him down again, wondered how she could much used to ladies' society, and it makes him bashhave been so foolish, and poured out some more tea. ful. If you'll order the waiter to deliver him any It was at this moment that the sound of approach- thing short, he won't drink it off at once, won't he! ing wheels was heard, and that the ladies, looking -only try him!" Mr. Jackson's fingers wandered up, saw a hackney-coach stop at the garden-gate. playfully round his nose, at this portion of his dis"More company!" said Mrs. Sanders. course, to warn his hearers that he was speaking "It's a gentleman," said Mrs. Raddle. ironically. "Well, if it ain't Mr. Jackson, the young man from The waiter was at once dispatched to the bashful Dodson and Fogg's!" cried Mrs. Bardell. "Why, gentleman, and the bashful gentleman took somegracious! Surely Mr. Pickwick can't have paid the thing; Mr. Jackson also took something, and the damages." ladies took something, for hospitality's sake. Mr. "Or hoffered marriage!" said Mrs. Cluppins. Jackson then said he was afraid it was time to go; "Dear me, how slow the gentleman is," exclaimed upon which, Mrs. Sanders, Mrs. Cluppins, and TomMrs. Rogers: " why doesn't he make haste!" my (who it was arranged should accompany Mrs. 18 274 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Bardell, leaving the others to Mr. Raddle's protec- This is the Fleet, ma'am. Wish you good-night, tion), got into the coach. Mrs. Bardell. Good-night, Tommy!" "Isaac," said Jackson, as Mrs. Bardell prepared to As Jackson hurried away in company with the get in, looking up at the man with the ash stick, man with the ash stick, another man with a key in who was seated on the box, smoking a cigar. his hand, who had been looking on, led the bewilder"Well?" ed female to a second short flight of steps leading to " This is Mrs. Bardell." a door-way. Mrs. Bardell screamed violently; Tom" Oh, I know'd that long ago," said the man. my roared; Mrs. Cluppins shrunk within herself; and Mrs. Bardell got in, Mr. Jackson got in after her, Mrs. Sanders made off without more ado. For there and away they drove. Mrs. Bardell could not help stood the injured Mr.-Pickwick, taking his nightly ruminating on what Mr. Jackson's friend had said. allowance of air; and beside him leaned Samuel WelShrewd creatures, those lawyers. Lord bless us, ler, who, seeing Mrs. Bardell, took his hat off with how they find people out! mock reverence, while his master turned indignant" Sad thing about these costs of our people's, ain't ly on his heel. it," said Jackson, when Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. San- "Don't bother the woman," said the turnkey to deis had fallen asleep; " your bill of costs, I mean " Weller: " she's just come in." " I'm very sorry they can't get them," replied Mrs. "A pris'ner!" said Sam, quickly replacing his hat. Bardell. " But if you law-gentlemen do these things "Who's the plaintives? What for? Speak up, old on speculation, why you must get a loss now and feller." then, you know." " Dodson and Fogg," replied the man; " execution " You gave them a cognovit for the amount of your on cognovit for costs." costs, after the trial, I'm told?" said Jackson. " Here Job, Job!" shouted Sam, dashing into the "Yes. Just as a matter of form," replied Mrs. passage. "Run to Mr. Perker's, Job. I want him Bardell. directly. I see some good in this. Here's a game. "Certainly,"replied Jackson, dryly. " Quite amat- Hooray! where's the gov'nor?" ter of form. Quite." But there was no reply to these inquiries, for Job On they drove, and Mrs. Bardell fell asleep. She had started furiously off, the instant he received his was awakened after some time, by the stopping of commission, and Mrs. Bardell had fainted in real the coach. downright earnest. " Bless us!" said the old lady. "Are we at Freeman's Court?" "We're not going quite so far," replied Jackson. CHAPTER XLVII. " Have the goodness to step out." Mrs. Bardell, not yet thoroughly awake, complied. I CHIEFLY DEVOTED TO MATTERS OF BUSINESS, AND It was a curious place: a large wall, with a gate in THE TMPORAL ADVANTAGE OF DODSON AND FOGG. the middle, and a gas-light burning inside. MR WINKLE RE-APPEARS UNDER EXTRAORDINARY " Now, ladies," cried the man with the ash stick, IRCUMSTANCES. MR. PICxWICK' BENEVOLENCE looking into the coach, and shaking Mrs. Sanders to PROVES STRONGER THAN IS OBSTINACY. wake her, " come!" Rousing her friend, Mrs. San- OB TROTTER abating nothing of his speed, ra ders alighted. Mrs. Bardell, leaning on Jackson's J up Holborn: sometimes in the middle of the road, arm, and leading Tommy by the hand, had already sometimes on the pavement, sometimes in the gutentered the porch. They followed. ter, as the chances of getting along varied with the The room they turned into was even more odd- press of men, women, children, and coaches, in each looking than the porch. Such a number of men division of the thoroughfare; regardless of all obstastanding about! And they stared so! cles, he stopped not for an instant until he reached " What place is this?" inquired Mrs. Bardell, pans- the gate of Gray's Inn. Notwithstanding all the exing. pedition he had used, however, the gate had been " Only one of our public offices," replied Jackson, closed a good half-hour when he reached it, and by hurrying her through a door, and looking round to the time he had discovered Mr. Perker's laundress, see that the other women were following. " Look who lived with a married daughter, who had bestowsharp, Isaac!" ed her hand upon a non-resident waiter, who occu" Safe and sound," replied the man with the ash pied the one-pair of some number in some street stick. The door swung heavily after them, and they closely adjoining to some brewery somewhere behind descended a small flight of steps. Gray's Inn Lane, it was within fifteen minutes of "Here we are at last. All right and tight, Mrs. closing the prison for the night. Mr. Lowten had Bardell!" said Jackson, looking exultingly round. still to be ferreted out from the back parlor of the "What do you mean?" said Mrs. Bardell, with a Magpie and Stump; and Job had scarcely accompalpitating heart. plished this object, and communicated Sam Weller's "Just this," replied Jackson, drawing her a little on message, when the clock struck ten. one side; " don't be frightened, Mrs. Bardell. There "There," said Lowten, "it's too late now. You never was a more delicate man than Dodson, ma'am, can't get in to-night; you've got the key of the street, or a more humane man than Fogg. It was their my friend." duty, in the way of business, to take you in execu- "Never mind me," replied Job. " I can sleep anytion for them costs; but they were anxious to spare where. But won't it be better to see Mr. Perker toyour feelings as much as they could. What a com- night, so that we may be there the first thing in the fort it must be to you to think how it's been done! morning?" MR. PERKER'S PRIVATE RESIDENCE. 275 " Why," responded Lowten, after a little consid- made. When they had in some measure recovered eration, "if it was in any body else's case, Perker from their trance of admiration, Job Trotter diswouldn't be best pleased at my going up to his charged hiniself of the rest of his commission. Perhouse; but as it's Mr. Pickwick's, I think I may ven- ker nodded his head thoughtfully, and pulled out his ture to take a cab and charge it to the office." Decid- watch. ing on this line of conduct, Mr. Lowten took up his "At ten precisely I will be there," said the little hat, and begging the assembled company to appoint man. "Sam is quite right. Tell him so. Will you a deputy chairman during his temporary absence, take a glass of wine, Lowten?" led the way to the nearest coach-stand. Summon- "No, thank you, sir." ing the cab of most promising appearance, he direct- "You mean yes, I think," said the little man, turned the driver to repair to Montague Place, Russell ing to the sideboard for a decanter and glasses. Square. As Lowten did mean yes, he said no more on the Mr. Perker had had a dinner-party that day, as subject, but inquired of Job, in an audible whisper, was testified by the appearance of lights in the draw- whether the portrait of Perker, which hung opposite ing-room windows, the sound of an improved grand the fire-place, wasn't a wonderful likeness, to which piano, and an improvable cabinet voice issuing there- Job of course replied that it was. The wine being from, and a rather overpowering smell of meat which by this time poured out, Lowten drank to Mrs. Perpervaded the steps and entry. In fact a couple of ker and the children, and Job to Perker. The genvery good country agencies happening to come up to tleman in the plush shorts and cottons considering it town at the same time, an agreeable little party had no part of his duty to show the people from the ofbeen got together to meet them: comprising Mr. fice out, consistently declined to answer the bell, and Snicks, the Life Office Secretary, Mr. Prosee, the emi- they showed themselves out. The attorney betook nent counsel, three solicitors, one commissioner of himself to his drawing-room, the clerk to the Magbankrupts, a special pleader from the Temple, a pie and Stump, and Job to Covent Garden Market to small-eyed peremptory young gentleman, his pupil, spend the night in a vegetable basket. who had written a lively book about the law of de- Punctually at the appointed hour next morning, mises, with a vast quantity of marginal notes and the good-humored little attorney tapped at Mr. Pickreferences; and several other eminent and distin- wick's door, which was opened with great alacrity guished personages. From this society little Mr. by Sam Weller. Perker detached himself, on his clerk being an- "Mr. Perker, sir," said Sam, announcing the visnounced in a whisper; and repairing to the dining- itor to Mr. Pickwick, who was sitting at the winroom, there found Mr. Lowten and Job Trotter look- dow in a thoughtful attitude. "Wery glad you've ing very dim and shadowy by the light of a kitchen looked in accidentally, sir. I rather think the gov'candle, which the gentleman who condescended to nor wants to have a word and a half with you, sir." appear in plush shorts and cottons for a quarterly Perker bestowed a look of intelligence on Sam, instipend had, with abecoming contempt for the clerk timating that he understood he was not to say he and all things appertaining to " the office," placed had been sent for: and beckoning him to approach, upon the table. whispered briefly in his ear. "Now, Lowten," said little Mr. Perker, shutting "You don't mean that'ere, sir?" said Sam, startthe door, "what's the matter t No important letter ing back in excessive surprise. come in a parcel, is there?" Perker nodded and smiled. " No, sir," replied Lowten. "This is a messenger Mr. Samuel Weller looked at the little lawyer, from Mr. Pickwick, sir." then at Mr. Pickwick, then at the ceiling, then at " From Pickwick, eh?" said the little man, turn- Perker again; grinned, laughed outright, and finaling quickly to Job. " Well, what is it?" ly, catching up his hat from the carpet, without " Dodson and Fogg have taken Mrs. Bardell in ex- further explanation disappeared. ecution for her costs, sir," said Job. "What does this mean?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, "No!" exclaimed Perker, putting his hands in his looking at Perker with astonishment. " What has pockets, and reclining against the sideboard. put Sam into this most extraordinary state?" "Yes," said Job. " It seems they got a cognovit "Oh, nothing, nothing," replied Perker. " Come, out of her, for the amount of'em, directly after the my dear sir, draw up your chair to the table. I have trial." a good deal to say to you." "By Jove!" said Perker, taking both hands out "What papers are those?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, of his pockets, and striking the knuckles of his right as the little man deposited on the table a small bunagainst the palm of his left, emphatically, "those die of documents tied with red tape. are the cleverest scamps I ever had any thing to do "The papers in Bardell and Pickwick," replied with!" Perker, undoing the knot with his teeth. " The sharpest practitioners I ever knew, sir," ob- Mr. Pickwick grated the legs of his chair against served Lowten. the ground; and throwing himself into it, folded his "Sharp!" echoed Perker. "There's no knowing hands and looked sternly - if Mr. Pickwick ever where to have them." could look sternly-at his legal friend. " Very true, sir, there is not," replied Lowten; and "You don't like to hear the name of the cause?" said then both master and man pondered for a few sec- the little man, still busying himself with the knot. ends with animated countenances, as if they were "No, I do not, indeed," replied Mr. Pickwick. reflecting upon one of the most beautiful and ingen- "Sorry for that," resumed Perker, "because it will ions discoveries that the intellect of man had ever form the subject of our conversation." 276 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "I would rather that the subject should be never dignation, calmed his wrath as well as he could. mentioned between us, Perker," interposed Mr. Pick- Perker, strengthening his argumentative powers wick, hastily. with another pinch of snuff, proceeded. " Pooh, pooh, my dear sir," said the little man, un- "I have seen the woman this morning. By paying tying the bundle, and glancing eagerly at Mr. Pick- the costs, you can obtain a full release and discharge wick out of the corners of his eyes. "It must be from the damages; and further-this I know is a mentioned. I have come here on purpose. Now, far greater object of consideration with you, my dear are you ready to hear what I have to say, my dear sir-a voluntary statement, under her hand, in the sir? No hurry; if you are not, I can wait. I have form of a letter to me, that this business was, from this morning's paper here. Your time shall be mine. the very first, fomented, and encouraged, and brought There!" Hereupon the little man threw one leg about by these men, Dodson and Fogg; that she over the other, and made a show of beginning to deeply regrets ever having been the instrument of read with great composure and application. annoyance or injury to you; and that she entreats "Well, well," said Mr. Pickwick, with a sigh, but me to intercede with you, and implore your pardon." softening into a smile at the same time. " Say what "If I pay her costs for her," said Mr. Pickwick, inyou have to say; it's the old story, I suppose?" dignantly. "A valuable document, indeed!" "With a difference, my dear sir; with a differ- "No'if' in the case, my dear sir," said Perker. ence," rejoined Perker, deliberately folding up the triumphantly. " There is the very letter I speak of paper and putting it into his pocket again. "Mrs. Brought to my office by another woman at nine Bardell, the plaintiff in the action, is within these o'clock this morning, before I had set foot in this walls, sir." place, or held any communication with Mrs. Bardell, " I know it," was Mr. Pickwick's reply. upon my honor." Selecting the letter from the bun" Very good," retorted Perker. "And you know dle, the little lawyer laid it at Mr. Pickwick's elbow, how she comes here, I suppose; I mean on what and took snuff for two consecutive minutes, without grounds, and at whose suit?" winking. " Yes; at least I have heard Sam's account of the "Is this all you have to say to me?" inquired Mr. matter," said Mr. Pickwick, with affected careless- Pickwick, mildly. ness. "Not quite," replied Perker. "I can not under-' Sam's account of the matter," replied Perker, " is, take to say at this moment whether the wording of I will venture to say, a perfectly correct one. Well the cognovit, the nature of the ostensible consideranow, my dear sir, the first question I have to ask is, tion, and the proof we can get together about the whether this.woman is to remain here?" whole conduct of the suit, will be sufficient to justify " To remain here!" echoed Mr. Pickwick. an indictment for conspiracy. I fear not, my dear sir; " To remain here, my dear sir," rejoined Perker, they are too clever for that, I doubt. I do mean to leaning back in his chair and looking steadily at his say, however, that the whole facts, taken together,!lient. will be sufficient to justify you, in the minds of all "How can you ask me?" said that gentleman. reasonable men. And now, my dear sir, I put it to " It rests with Dodson and Fogg; you know that you. This one hundred and fifty pounds, or whatvery well." ever it may be-take it in round numbers-is noth"I know nothing of the kind," retorted Perker, ing to you. A jury has decided against you; well, firmly. " It does not rest with Dodson and Fogg; their verdict is wrong, but still they decided as they you know the men, my dear sir, as well as I do. It thought right, and it Is against you. You have now rests solely, wholly, and entirely with you." an opportunity, on easy terms, of placing yourself in "With me!" ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, rising nerv- a much higher position than you ever could by reously from his chair, and reseating himself directly maining here; which would only be imputed, by afterward. people who didn't know you, to sheer dogged, wrongThe little man gave a double knock on the lid of headed, brutal obstinacy: nothing else, my dear sir, his snuff-box, opened it, took a great pinch, shut it believe me. Can you hesitate to avail yourself of it, up again, and repeated the words, "With you." when it restores you to your friends, your old pur"I say, my dear sir," resumed the little man, who suits, your health and amusements; when it liberseemed to gather confidence from the snuff; "I say, ates your faithful and attached servant, whom you that her speedy liberation or perpetual imprisonment otherwise doom to imprisonment for the whole of rests with you, and with you alone. Hear me out, your life; and above all, when it enables you to take my dear sir, if you please, and do not be so very en- the very magnanimous revenge-which I know, my ergetic, for it will only put you into a perspiration, dear sir, is one after your own heart-of releasing and do no good whatever. I say," continued Perker, this woman from a scene of misery and debauchery checking off each position on a different finger, as he to which no man should ever be consigned, if I had laid it down; " I say that nobody but you can rescue my will,but the infliction of which on any woman is herefrom this den of wretchedness; and that you can even more frightful and barbarous. Now I ask you, only do that by paying the costs of this suit-both my dear sir, not only as your legal adviser, but as of plaintiff and defendant-into the hands of these your very true friend, will you let slip the occasion Freeman's Court sharks. Now pray be quiet, my of attaining all these objects, and doing all this good dead sir." for the paltry consideration of a few pounds finding A. Pickwick, whose face had been undergoing their way into the pockets of a couple of rascals, to most surprising changes during this speech, and who whom it makes no manner of difference, except that was tvidently on the verge of a strong burst of in- the more they gain, the more they'll seek, and so the EXPLANATIONS. 277 sooner be led into some piece of knavery that must was an audacious young dog, and bade him get up. end in a crash? I have put these considerations to This, Mr. Winkle, who had been for some seconds you, my dear sir, very feebly and imperfectly, but I scratching his nose with the brim of his hat in a -ask you to think of them. Turn them over in your penitent manner, did; whereupon Mr. Pickwick slapmind as long as you please. I wait here most patient- ped him on the back several times, and then shook ly for your answer." hands heartily with Perker, who, not to be behindBefore Mr. Pickwick could reply; before Mr. Per- hand in the compliments of the occasion, saluted ker had taken one-twentieth part of the snuff with both the bride and the pretty house-maid with right which so unusually long an address imperatively re- good-will, and, having wrung Mr. Winkle's hand most quired to be followed up; there was a low murmur- cordially, wound up his demonstrations of joy by ing of voices outside, and then a hesitating knock at taking snuff enough to set any half-dozen men with the door. ordinarily constructed noses a-sneezing for life. "Dear, dear!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, who had "Why, my dear girl," said Mr. Pickwick, "how been evidently roused by his friend's appeal; "what has all this come about? Come! Sit down, and an annoyance that door is! Who is that?" let me hear it all. How well she looks, doesn't she, " Me, sir," replied Sam Weller, putting in his head. Perker?" added Mr. Pickwick, surveying Arabella's "I can't speak to you just now, Sam," said Mr. face with a look of as much pride and exultation as Pickwick. "I am engaged at this moment, Sam." if she had been his daughter. " Beg your pardon, sir," rejoined Mr. Weller. "But " Delightful, my dear sir," replied the little man. here's a lady here, sir, as says she's somethin' wery "If I were not a married man myself, I should be partickler to disclose." disposed to envy you, you dog." Thus expressing "I can't see any lady," replied Mr. Pickwick, whose himself, the little lawyer gave Mr. Winkle a poke in mind was filled with visions of Mrs. Bardell. the chest, which that gentleman reciprocated; after "I vouldn't make too sure o' that, sir," urged Mr. which they both laughed very loudly, but not so Weller, shaking his head. " If you know'd who was loudly as Mr. Samuel Weller. Who had just relieved near, sir, I rayther think you'd change your note. his feelings by kissing the pretty house-maid, under As the hawk remarked to himself with a cheerful cover of the cupboard door. laugh, ven he heerd the robin-redbreast a-singin' "I can never be grateful enough to you, Sam, I round the corner." am sure," said Arabella, with the sweetest smile im"Who is it?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. aginable. " I shall not forget your exertions in the "Will you see her, sir?" asked Mr. Weller, holding garden at Clifton." the door in his hand as if he had some curious live "Don't say nothin' wotever about it, ma'am," reanimal on the other side. plied Sam. "I only assisted natur', ma'am; as the " I suppose I must," said Mr. Pickwick, looking at doctor said to the boy's mother arter he'd bled him Perker. to death." "Well, then, all in to begin!" cried Sam. "Sound "Mary, my dear, sit down," said Mr. Pickwick, the gong, draw up the curtain, and enter the two cutting short these compliments. "Now, then; how con-spiraytors." long have you been married, eh?" As Sam Weller spoke, he threw the door open, and Arabella looked bashfully at her lord and master, there rushed tumultuously into the room Mr. Nathan- who replied, " Only three days." iel Winkle: leading after him by the hand the iden- "Only three days, eh?" said Mr. Pickwick. "Why, tical young lady who at Dingley Dell had worn the what have you been doing these three months?" boots with the fur round the tops, and who, now a "Ah, to be sure!" interposed Perker; "come! Acvery pleasing compound of blushes and confusion count for this idleness. You see Pickwick's only asand lilac silk and a smart bonnet and a rich lace veil, tonishment is, that it wasn't all over months ago." looked prettier than ever. " Why the fact is," replied Mr. Winkle, looking at "Miss Arabella Allen!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, his blushing young wife, " that I could not persuade rising from his chair. Bella to run away for a long time. And when I had " No," replied Mr. Winkle, dropping on his knees, persuaded her, it was a long time more before we "Mrs. Winkle. Pardon, my dear friend, pardon!" could find an opportunity. Mary had to give a Mr. Pickwick could scarcely believe the evidence month's warning, too, before she could leave her of his senses, and perhaps would not have done so, place next door, and we couldn't possibly have done but for the corroborative testimony afforded by the it without her assistance." smiling countenance of Perker, and the bodily pres- "Upon my word," exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, who ence, in the background, of Sam and the pretty house- by this time had resumed his spectacles, and was maid, who appeared to contefiplate the proceedings looking from Arabella to Winkle, and from Winkle with the liveliest satisfaction. to Arabella, with as much delight depicted in his "Oh, Mr. Pickwick!" said Arabella, in a low voice, countenance as warm-heartedness and kindly feelas if alarmed at the silence. " Can you forgive my ing can communicate to the human face: "upon my imprudence?" word! you seem to have been very systematic in Mr. Pickwick returned no verbal response to this your proceedings. And is your brother acquainted appeal; but he took off his spectacles in great haste, with all this, my dear?" and seizing both the young lady's hands in his, kiss- "Oh no, no," replied Arabella, changing color. ed her a great number of times-perhaps a greater "Dear Mr. Pickwick, he must only know it from you number than was absolutely necessary-and then, -from your lips alone. He is so violent, so prejustill retaining one of her hands, told Mr. Winkle he diced, and has been so-so anxious in behalf of his 278 THE PICKWICK CLUB. friend, Mr. Sawyer," added Arabella, looking down, of her from the first, said he could never find it in "that I fear the consequences dreadfully." his heart to stand in the way of young people's hap"Ah, to be sure," said Perker, gravely. "You must piness, and they might do with him as they pleased. take this matter in hand for them, my dear sir. Mr. Weller's first act, on hearing this concession, These young men will respect you, when they would was to dispatch Job Trotter to the illustrious Mr. listen to nobody else. You must prevent mischief, Pell with an authority to deliver to the bearer the my dear sir. Hot blood, hot blood." And the little formal discharge which his prudent parent had had man took a warning pinch, and shook his head the foresight to leave in the hands of that learned doubtfully. gentleman, in case'it should be at any time required "You forget, my love," said Mr. Pickwick, gently, on an emergency; his next proceeding was, to in" you forget that I am a prisoner." vest his whole stock of ready money in the purchase " No, indeed I do not, my dear sir," replied Arabel- of five-and-twenty gallons of mild porter: which he la. "I never have forgotten it. I have never ceased himself dispensed on the racket-ground to every to think how great your sufferings must have been body who would partake of it; this done, he hurraed in this shocking place. But I hoped that what no in divers parts of the building until he lost his voice, consideration for yourself would induce you to do, a and then quietly relapsed into his usual collected regard to our happiness might. If my brother hears and philosophical condition. of this first from you, I feel certain we shall be rec- At three o'clock that afternoon, Mr. Pickwick took onciled. He is my only relation in the world, Mr. a last look at his little room, and made his way, as Pickwick, and unless you plead for me, I fear I have well as he could, through the throng of debtors who lost even him. I have done wrong, very, very wrong, pressed eagerly forward to shake him by the hand, I know." Here poor Arabella hid her face in her until he reached the lodge steps. He turned here, handkerchief, and wept bitterly. to look about him, and his eye lightened as he did Mr. Pickwick's nature was a good deal worked so. In all the crowd of wan, emaciated faces, he upon by these same tears; but when Mrs. Winkle, saw not one which was not the happier for his symdrying her eyes, took to coaxing and entreating in pathy and charity. the sweetest tones of a very sweet voice, he became "Perker," said Mr. Pickwick, beckoning one young particularly restless, and evidently undecided how man toward him, "this is Mr. Jingle, whom I spoke to act. As was evinced by sundry nervous rubbings to you about." of his spectacle-glasses, nose, tights, head, and gai- "Very good, my dear sir," replied Perker, looking ters. hard at Jingle. "You will see me again, young Taking advantage of these symptoms of indecis- man, to-morrow. I hope you may live to remember ion, Mr. Perker (to whom, it appeared, the young and feel deeply what I shall have to communicate, couple had driven straight that morning) urged with sir." legal point and shrewdness that Mr. Winkle, senior, Jingle bowed respectfully, trembled very much as was still unacquainted with the important rise in he took Mr. Pickwick's proffered hand, and withlife's flight of steps which his son had taken; that drew. the future expectations of the said son depended en- "Job you know, I think?" said Mr. Pickwick, pretirely upon the said Winkle, senior, continuing to senting that gentleman. regard him with undiminished feelings of affection "I know the rascal," replied Perker, good-humorand attachment, which it was very likely he would, edly. " See after your friend, and be in the way toif this great event were long kept a secret from him; morrow at one. Do you hear? Now, is there any that Mr. Pickwick, repairing to Bristol to seek Mr. thing more?" Allen might, with equal reason, repair to Birming- "Nothing," rejoined Mr. Pickwick. "You have ham to seek Mr. Winkle, senior; lastly, that Mr. delivered the little parcel I gave you for your old Winkle, senior, had good right and title to consider landlord, Sam?",Mr. Pickwick as in some degree the guardian and "I have, sir," replied Sam. "He bust out a-cryadviser of his son, and that it consequently behooved in', sir, and said you wos wery gen'rous and thoughtthat gentleman, and was indeed due to his personal ful, and he only wished you could have him innokicharacter, to acquaint the aforesaid Winkle, senior, lated for a gallopin' consumption, for his old friend personally, and by word of mouth, with the whole as had lived here so long wos dead, and he'd noweres circumstances of the case, and with the share he had to look for another." taken in the transaction. "Poor fellow, poor fellow!" said Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass arrived, most op- "God bless you, my friends!" portunely, in this stage of the pleadings, and as it As Mr. Pickwick uttered this adieu, the crowd was necessary to explain to them all that had oc- raised a loud shout. Many among them were presscurred, together with the various reasons, pro and ing forward to shake him by the hand again, when con, the whole of the arguments were gone over he drew his arm through Perker's, and hurried from again, after which every body urged every argument the prison: far more sad and melancholy, for the in his own way, and at his own length. And, at moment, than when he had first entered it. Alas! last, Mr. Pickwick, fairly argued and remonstrated how many sad and unhappy beings had he left beout of all his resolutions, and being in imminent hind! danger of being argued and remonstrated out of his A happy evening was that for, at least, one party wits, caught Arabella in his arms, and declaring that in the George and Vulture; and light and cheerful she was a very amiable creature, and that he didn't were two of the hearts that emerged from its hospiknow how it was, but he had always been very fond table door next morning. The owners thereof were PATRONIZING MR. BOB SAWYER. 279 Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller, the former of whom "Exactly so," said Ben. "She has it when she was speedily deposited inside a comfortable post- comes of age, or marries. She wants a year of comcoach, with a little dickey behind, in which the lat- ing of age, and if you plucked up a spirit she needn't ter mounted with great agility. want a month of being married." " Sir," called out Mr. Weller to his master. " She's a very charming and delightful creature," "Well, Sam," replied Mr. Pickwick, thrusting his quoth Mr. Robert Sawyer, in reply; "and has only head out of the window. one fault that I know of, Ben. It happens, unfortu"I wish them horses had been three months and nately, that that single blemish is a want of taste. better in the Fleet, sir." She don't like me." "Why, Sam?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. "It's my opinion that she don't know what she " Wy, sir," exclaimed Mr. Weller, rubbing his does like," said Mr. Ben Allen, contemptuously. hands, "how they would go if they had been!" "Perhaps not," remarked Mr. Bob Sawyer. "But it's my opinion that she does know what she doesn't * --— *~~ —- like, and that's of more importance." "I wish," said Mr. Ben Allen, setting his teeth toCHAPTER XLVIII. gether, and speaking more like a savage warrior who fed on raw wolfs flesh which he carved with RELATES HOW MR. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE peaceable young gentleman who OFSAUE WLLR SSYE T SFTNH his fingers, than a peaceable young gentleman who OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN T ate minced veal with a knife and fork, "I wish I HEART OF MR. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO MOLLIY knew whether any rasal really ha been tampering THE WRATH OF MR. ROBERT SAWYER. THE WRATH OF MR. ROBERT SAWYER.with her, and attempting to engage her affections. M R. BEN ALLEN and Mr. Bob Sawyer sat to- I think I should assassinate him, Bob." gether in the little surgery behind the shop, "I'd put a bullet in him, if I found him out," said discussing minced veal and future prospects, when Mr. Sawyer, stopping in the course of a long draught the discourse, not unnaturally, turned upon the of beer, and looking malignantly out of the porter practice acquired by Bob the aforesaid, and his pres- pot. " If that didn't do his business, I'd extract it ent chances of deriving a competent independence afterward, and kill him that way." from the honorable profession to which he had de- Mr. Benjamin Allen gazed abstractedly on his voted himself. friend for some minutes in silence, and then said, "-Which, I think," observed. Mr. Bob Sawyer, "You have never proposed to her point-blank, pursuing the thread of the subject, " which, I think, Bob?" Ben, are rather dubious." "No. Because I saw it would be of no use, re" What's rather dubious?" inquired Mr. Ben Allen, plied Mr. Robert Sawyer. at the same time sharpening his intellects with a "You shall do it before you are twenty-four hours draught of beer. "What's dubious?" older," retorted Ben, with desperate calmness. " She "Why, the chances," responded Mr. Bob Sawyer. shall have you, or I'll know the reason why. I'll ex"I forgot," said Mr. Ben Allen. " The beer has ert my authority." reminded me that I forgot, Bob-yes; they are du- "Well," said Mr. Bob Sawyer," we shall see." bious." "We shall see, my friend," replied Mr. Ben Allen, "It's wonderful how the poor people patronize fiercely. He paused for a few seconds, and added, me," said Mr. Bob Sawyer, reflectively. "They in a voice broken by emotion," You have loved her knock me up at all hours of the night; they take from a child, my friend. You loved her when we medicine to an extent which I should have conceived were boys at school together, and, even then she was impossible; they put on blisters and leeches with a wayward, and slighted your young feelings. Do you perseverance worthy of a better cause; they make recollect, with all the eagerness of a child's love, one additions to their families in a manner which is day pressing upon her acceptance two small caraquite awful. Six of those lastrnamed little promis- way-seed biscuits and one sweet apple, neatly foldsory notes, all due on the same day, Ben, and all in- ed into a circular parcel with the leaf of a copytrusted to me!" book?" "It's very gratifying, isn't it?" said Mr. Ben Allen, "I do," replied Bob Sawyer. holding his plate for some more minced veal. " She slighted that, I think?" said Ben Allen. " Oh, very," replied Bob; " only not quite so much "She did," rejoined Bob. "She said I had kept so, as the confidence of patients with a shilling or the parcel so long in the pockets of my corduroys, two to spare, would be. This business was capitally that the apple was unpleasantly warm." described in the advertisement, Ben. It is a prac- "I remember" said Mr. Allen, gloomily. "Upon tice, a very extensive practice-and that's all." which we ate it ourselves, in alternate bites." " Bob," said Mr. Ben Allen, laying down his knife Bob Sawyer intimated his recollection of the cirand fork and fixing his eyes on the visage of his cumstance last alluded to by a melancholy frown; friend, "Bob, I'll tell you what it is." and the two friends remained for some time ab" What is it?" inquired Mr. Bob Sawyer. sorbed, each in his own meditations. "You must make yourself, with as little delay as While these observations were being exchanged possible, master of Arabella's one thousand pounds." between Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Benjamin Allen; "Three per cent. consolidated Bank annuities, and while the boy in the gray livery, marveling at now standing in her name in the book or books of the unwonted prolongation of the dinner, cast an the Governor and Company of the Bank of En- anxious look, from time to time, toward the glass gland," added Bob Sawyer in legal phraseology, door, distracted by inward misgivings regarding the 280 THE PICKWICK CLUB. amount of minced veal which would be ultimately "My dear Benjamin," said the old lady, struggling reserved for his individual cravings, there rolled so- with a great shortness of breath, and trembling from berly on through the streets of Bristol a private fly, head to foot: "don't be alarmed, my dear, but I painted of a sad green color, drawn by a chubby think I had better speak to Mr. Sawyer alone for a sort of brown horse, and driven by a surly-looking moment. Only for one moment." man with his legs dressed like the legs of a groom, "Bob," said Mr. Ben Allen, " will you take my and his body attired in the coat of a coachman. aunt into the surgery?" Such appearances are common to many vehicles be- "Certainly," responded Bob, in a most professionlonging to, and maintained by, old ladies of economic al voice. "Step this way, my dear ma'am. Don't habits; and in this vehicle sat an old lady who was be frightened,. ma'am. We shall be able to set you its mistress and proprietor. to rights in a very short time, I have no doubt, "Martin!" said the old lady, calling to the surly ma'am. Here, my dear ma'am. Now then!" With man out of the front window. this, Mr. Bob Sawyer having handed the old lady to "Well?" said the surly man, touching his hat to a chair, shut the door, drew another chair close to the old lady. her, and waited to hear detailed the symptoms of "Mr. Sawyer's," said the old lady. some disorder from which he saw in perspective a "I was going there," said the surly man. long train of profits and advantages. The old lady nodded the satisfaction which this The first thing the old lady did was to shake her proof of the surly man's foresight imparted to her head a great many times, and begin to cry. feelings; and the surly man giving a smart lash to "Nervous," said Bob Sawyer, complacently. "Camthe chubby horse, they all repaired to Mr. Bob Saw- phor-julep and water three times a day, and composyer's together. ing draught at night." "Martin!" said the old lady, when the fly stopped "I don't know how to begin, Mr. Sawyer," said the at the door of Mr. Robert Sawyer, late Nockemorf. old lady. " It is so very painful and distressing." "Well?" said Martin. "You need not begin, ma'am," rejoined Mr. Bob "Ask the lad to step out and mind the horse." Sawyer. "I can anticipate all you would say. The "I'm going to mind the horse myself," said Martin, head is in fault." laying his whip on the roof of the fly. "I should be very sorry to think it was the heart," " I can't permit it on any account," said the old said the old lady, with a slight groan. lady; " your testimony will be very important, and "Not the slightest danger of that, ma'am," reI must take you into the house with me. You must plied Bob Sawyer. "The stomach is the primary not stir from my side during the whole interview. cause." Do you hear?" "Mr. Sawyer!" exclaimed the old lady, starting. " I hear," replied Martin. "Not the least doubt of it, ma'am," rejoined Bob, " Well, what are you stopping for " looking wondrous wise. "Medicine in time, my dear "Nothing," replied Martin. So saying, the surly ma'am, would have prevented it all." man leisurely descended from the wheel, on which "Mr. Sawyer," said the old lady, more flurried than he had been poising himself on the tops of the toes before, "this conduct is either great impertinence to of his right foot, and, having summoned the boy in one in my situation, sir, or it arises from your not the gray livery, opened the coach door, flung down understanding the object of my visit. If it had the steps, and thrusting in a hand enveloped in a been in the power of medicine, or any foresight I dark wash-leather glove, pulled out the old lady could have used, to prevent what has occurred, I with as much unconcern in his manner as if she should certainly have done so. I had better see my were a bandbox. nephew at once," said the old lady, twirling her reti"Dear me!" exclaimed the old lady. "I am so cule indignantly, and rising as she spoke. flurried, now I have got here, Martin, that I'm all in "Stop a moment, ma'am," said Bob Sawyer; "I'm a tremble." afraid I have not understood you. What is the matMr. Martin coughed behind the dark wash-leather ter, ma'am?" glove, but expressed no sympathy; so the old lady, "My niece, Mr. Sawyer," said the old lady; "your composing herself, trotted up Mr. Bob Sawyer's steps, friend's sister." and Mr. Martin followed. Immediately on the old "Yes, ma'am," said Bob, all impatience; for the lady's entering the shop, Mr. Benjamin Allen and Mr. old lady, although much agitated, spoke with the Bob Sawyer, who had been putting the spirits and most tantalizing deliberation, as old ladies often do. water out of sight, and upsetting nauseous drugs to "Yes, ma'am." take off the smell of the tobacco-smoke, issued has- "Left my home, Mr. Sawyer, three days ago, on a tily forth in a transport of pleasure and affection. pretended visit to my sister, another aunt of hers, "My dear aunt," exclaimed Mr. Ben Allen," how who keeps the large boarding-school just beyond the kind of you to look in upon us! Mr. Sawyer, aunt; third mile-stone, where there is a very large laburmy friend, Mr. Bob Sawyer, whom I have spoken to num-tree and an oak gate," said the old lady, stopyou about, regarding-you know, aunt." And here ping in this place to dry her eyes. Mr. Ben Allen, who was not at the moment extraor- " Oh, devil take the laburnum-tree, ma'am," said dinarily sober, added the word "Arabella," in what Bob, quite forgetting his professional dignity in his was meant to be a whisper, but which was an es- anxiety. "Get on a little faster; put a little more pecially audible and distinct tone of speech which steam on, ma'am, pray." nobody could avoid hearing, if any body were so "This morning," said the old lady, slowly, "this disposed. morning, she-" AN ELOPEMENT ANNO UNCED. 281 "She came back, ma'am, I suppose," said Bob, to lead to a result which would place it beyond his with great animation. "Did she come back?" power to claim any wages, board or otherwise, in all " No, she did not; she wrote," replied the old lady. time to come, he muttered an inarticulate remon" What did she say?" inquired Bob, eagerly. strance, and felled Mr. Benjamin Allen to the ground. "She said, Mr. Sawyer," replied the old lady-" and As that gentleman had his hands entangled in his it is this I want you to prepare Benjamin's mind for, cravat, he had no alternative but to follow him to gently and by degrees; she said that she was-I the floor. There they both lay struggling, when the have got the letter in my pocket, Mr. Sawyer, but shop door opened, and the party was increased by my glasses are in the carriage, and I should only the arrival of two most unexpected visitors: to wit, waste your time if I attempted to point out the pas- Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Samuel Weller. sage to you, without them; she said, in short, Mr. The impression at once produced on Mr. Weller's Sawyer, that she was married." mind by what he saw was that Mr. Martin was hired "What!" said, or rather shouted, Mr. Bob Sawyer. by the establishment of Sawyer, late Nockemorf, to "Married," repeated the old lady. take strong medicine, or to go into fits and be exMr. Bob Sawyer stopped to hear no more; but dart- perimentalized upon, or to swallow poison now and THE ARRIVAL OF TWO MOST UNEXPECTED VISITORS. ing from the surgery into the outer shop, cried in a then with the view of testing the efficacy of some stentorian voice, "Ben, my boy, she's bolted!" new antidotes, or to do something or other to proMr. Ben Allen, who had been slumbering behind mote the great science of medicine, and gratify the the counter, with his head half a foot or so below his ardent spirit of inquiry burning in the bosoms of its knees, no sooner heard this appalling communica- two young professors. So, without presuming to intion, than he made a precipitate rush at Mr. Martin, terfere, Sam stood perfectly still, and looked on, as and, twisting his hand in the neckcloth of that taci- if he were mightily interested in the result of the turn servitor, expressed an intention of choking him then pending experiment. Not so Mr. Pickwick. where he stood. This intention, with a promptitude He at once threw himself on the astonished combatoften the effect of desperation, he at once commenced ants with his accustomed energy, and loudly called carrying into execution with much vigor and surgic- upon the by-standers to interpose. al skill. This roused Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been hithMr. Martin, who was a man of few words, and pos- erto quite paralyzed by the frenzy of his compansessed but little power of eloquence or persuasion, ion. With that gentleman's assistance, Mr. Picksubmitted to this operation with a very calm and wick raised Ben Allen to his feet. Mr. Martin findagreeable expression of countenance for some sec- ing himself alone on the floor, got up, and looked onds; finding, however, that it threatened speedily about him. s~282^~ ~THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Mr. Allen," said Mr. Pickwick, "what is the mat- "What!" said Mr. Bob Sawyer. ter, sir?"" His name!" cried Ben Allen. " His name!" " Never mind, sir!" replied Mr. Allen, with haughty "Mr. Nathaniel Winkle," said Mr. Pickwick. defiance. Mr. Benjamin Allen deliberately crushed his spec"What is it T" inquired Mr. Pickwick, looking at tacles beneath the heel of his boot, and having pickBob Sawyer: "Is he unwell?" ed up the pieces, and put them into three separate Before Bob could reply, Mr. Ben Allen seized Mr. pockets, folded his arms, bit his lips, and looked in Pickwick by the hand, and murmured, in sorrowful a threatening manner at the bland features of Mr. accents, "My sister, my dear sir; my sister." Pickwick. " Oh, is that all!" said Mr. Pickwick. " We shall " Then it's you, is it, sir, who have encouraged and easily arrange that matter, I hope. Your sister is brought about this match?" inquired Mr. Benjamin safe and well, and I am here, my dear sir, to —" Allen at length. " Sorry to do any thin' as may cause an interrup- "And it's this gentleman's servant, I suppose," tion to such wery pleasant proceedin's, as the king interrupted the old lady, " who has been skulking said wen he dissolved the parliament," interposed about my house, and endeavoring to entrap my servMr. Weller, who had been peeping through the glass ants to conspire against their mistress. Martin!" door; "but there's another experiment here, sir. "Well," said the surly man, coming forward. Here's a wenerable old lady a-lyin' on the carpet "Is that the young man you saw in the lane whom waitin' for dissection, or galwinism, or some other you told me about this morning?" rewivin' and scientific inwention." Mr. Martin, who, as it has already appeared, was a " I forgot," exclaimed Mr. Ben Allen. " It is my man of few words, looked at Sam Weller, nodded his aunt." head, and growled forth, "that's the man " Mr. "Dear me!" said Mr. Pickwick. "Poor lady! Weller, who was never proud, gave a smile of friendGently Sam, gently." ly recognition as his eyes encountered those of the " Strange sitivation for one o' the family," observed surly groom, and admitted, in courteous terms, that Sam Weller, hoisting the aunt into a chair. "Now, he had" knowed him afore." depitty Sawbones, bring out the wollatilly!" "And this is the faithful creature," exclaimed Mr. The latter observation was addressed to the boy Ben Allen, "whom I had nearly suffocated! Mr. in gray, who, having handed over the fly to the care Pickwick, how dare you allow your fellow to be emof the street-keeper, had come back to see what all ployed in the abduction of my sister? I demand the noise was about. Between the boy in gray, and that you explain this matter, sir." Mr. Bob Sawyer, and Mr. Benjamin Allen (who hav- " Explain it, sir," cried Bob Sawyer, fiercely. ing frightened his aunt into a fainting-fit, was affec- " It's a conspiracy," said Ben Allen. tionately solicitous for her recovery) the old lady "A regular plant," added Mr. Bob Sawyer. was at length restored to consciousness; then Mr. "A disgraceful imposition," observed the old lady. Ben Allen, turning with a puzzled countenance to " Nothing but a do," remarked Martin. Mr. Pickwick, asked him what he was about to say, " Pray hear me," urged Mr. Pickwick, as Mr. Ben when he had been so alarmingly interrupted. Allen fell into a chair that patients were bled in, and "We are all friends here, I presume 1" said Mr. gave way to his pocket-handkerchief. " I have renPickwick, clearing his voice, and looking toward the dered no assistance in this matter, beyond that of man of few words with the surly countenance, who being present at one interview between the young drove the fly with the chubby horse. people, which I could not prevent, and from which I This reminded Mr. Bob Sawyer that the boy in conceived my presence would remove any slight colgray was looking on, with eyes wide open, and.greedy oring of impropriety that it might otherwise have ears. The incipient chemist having been lifted up had; this is the whole share I have taken in the by his coat-collar and dropped outside the door, Bob transaction, and I had no suspicion that an immediate Sawyer assured Mr. Pickwick that he might speak marriage was even contemplated. Though, mind," without reserve. added Mr. Pickwick, hastily checking himself, " mind, " Your sister, my dear sir," said Mr. Pickwick, turn- I do not say I should have prevented it, if I had ing to Benjamin Allen, "is in London; well and known that it was intended." happy." "You hear that, all of you; you hear that?" said "Her happiness is no object to me, sir," said Mr. Mr. Benjamin Allen. Benjamin Allen, with a flourish of the hand. " I hope they do," mildly observed Mr. Pickwick, "Her husband is an object to me, sir," said Bob looking round, " and," added that gentleman, his colSawyer. " He shall be an object to me, sir, at twelve or mounting as he spoke, " I hope they hear this, sir, paces, and a very pretty object I'll make of him, sir also. That from what has been stated to me, sir, I -a mean-spirited scoundrel!" This, as it stood, was assert that you were by no means justified in ata very pretty denunciation, and magnanimous withal; tempting to force your sister's inclinations as you but Mr. Bob Sawyer rather weakened its effect by did, and that you should rather have endeavored by winding up with some general observations concern- your kindness and forbearance to have supplied the ing the punching of heads and knocking out of eyes, place of other nearer relations whom she has never which were commonplace by comparison. known, from a child. As regards my young friend, " Stay, sir," said Mr. Pickwick; " before you apply I must beg to add, that in every point of worldly those epithets to the gentleman in question, consider, advantage, he is, at least, on an equal footing with dispassionately, the extent of his fault, and above yourself, if not on a much better one, and that unless all remember that he is a friend of mine." I hear this question discussed with becoming temper RE-APPEARANCE OF THE ONE-EYED MAN. 283 and moderation, I decline hearing any more said at last he emerged from the room, bottle in hand, upon the subject." and, remarking that he was very sorry to say he had " I wish to make a wery few remarks in addition been making a fool of himself, begged to propose the to wot has been put forard by the honorable gen'lm'n health and happiness of Mr. and Mrs. Winkle, whose as has jist give over," said Mr. Weller, stepping forth, felicity, so far from envying, he would be the first to "wich is this here: a indiwidual in company has congratulate them upon. Hearing this, Mr. Ben Alcalled me a feller." len suddenly arose from his chair, and, seizing the " That has nothing whatever to do with the mat- black bottle, drank the toast so heartily, that, the ter, Sam," interposed Mr. Pickwick. "Pray hold liquor being strong, he became nearly as black in your tongue." the face as the bottle. Finally, the black bottle " I ain't agoin' to say nothin' on that'ere pint, sir," went round till it was empty, and there was so much replied Sam, "but merely this here. P'raps that shaking of hands, and interchanging of compliments, gen'l'm'n may think as there wos a priory'tachment; that even the metal-visaged Mr. Martin condescendbut there worn't nothin' o' the sort, for the young ed to smile. lady said, in the wery beginning o' the keepin' com- "And now," said Bob Sawyer, rubbing his hands, pany, that she couldn't abide him. Nobody's cut "we'll have a jolly night." him out, and it'ud ha' been just the wery same for " I am sorry," said Mr. Pickwick, " that I must rehim if the young lady had never seen Mr. Vinkle. turn to my inn. I have not been accustomed to That's wot I wished to say, sir, and I hope I've now fatigue lately, and my journey has tired me exceedmade that'ere gen'l'm'n's mind easy." ingly." A short pause followed these consolatory remarks "You'll take some tea, Mr. Pickwick?" said the of Mr. Weller. Then Mr. Ben Allen, rising from his old lady, with irresistible sweetness. chair, protested that he would never see Arabella's "Thank you, I would rather not," replied that genface again; while Mr. Bob Sawyer, despite Sam's tleman. The truth is, that the old lady's evidently flattering assurance, vowed dreadful vengeance on increasing admiration was Mr. Pickwick's principal the happy bridegroom. inducement for going away. He thought of Mrs. But, just when matters were at their height, and Bardell; and every glance of the old lady's eyes threatening to remain so, Mr. Pickwick found a pow- threw him into a cold perspiration. erful assistant in the old lady, who, evidently much As Mr. Pickwick could by no means be prevailed struck by the mode in which he had advocated her upon to stay, it was arranged at once, on his own niece's cause, ventured to approach Mr. Benjamin Al- proposition, that Mr. Benjamin Allen should accomlen with a few comforting reflections, of which the pany him on his journey to the elder Mr. Winkle's, chief were, that after all, perhaps, it was well it was and that the coach should be at the door at nine no worse; the least said the soonest mended, and o'clock next morning. He then took his leave, and, upon her word she did not know that it was so very followed by Samuel Weller, repaired to the Bush. bad after all; what was over couldn't be begun, and It is worthy of remark, that Mr. Martin's face was what couldn't be cured must be endured: with vari- horribly convulsed as he shook hands with Sam at ous other assurances of the like novel and strength- parting, and that he gave vent to a smile and an oath ening description. To all of these Mr. Benjamin simultaneously: from which tokens it has been inAllen replied that he meant no disrespect to his aunt, ferred by those who were best acquainted with that or any body there, but if it were all the same to gentleman's peculiarities, that he expressed himself them, and they would allow him to have his own much pleased with Mr. Weller's society, and requestway, he would rather have the pleasure of hating ed the honor of his further acquaintance. his sister till death, and after it. " Shall I order a private room, sir?"'inquired Sam, At length, when this determination had been an- when they reached the Bush. nounced half a hundred times, the old lady suddenly "Why, no, Sam," replied Mr. Pickwick: "as I bridling up and looking very majestic, wished to dined in the coffee-room, and shall go to bed soon, know what she had done that no respect was to be it is hardly worth while. See who there is in the paid to her years or station, and that she should be travelers' room, Sam." obliged to beg and pray, in that way, of her own Mr. Weller departed on his errand, and presently nephew, whom she remembered about five-and-twen- returned to say that there was only a gentleman ty years before he was born, and whom she had with one eye: and that he and the landlord were known, personally, when he hadn't a tooth in his drinking a bowl of bishop together. head? To say nothing of her presence on the first "I will join them," said Mr. Pickwick. occasion of his having his hair cut, and assistance "He's a queer customer, the vun-eyed vun, sir," at numerous other.times and ceremonies during his observed Mr. Weller, as he led the way. "He's babyhood, of sufficient importance to found a claim a-gammonin' that'ere landlord, he is, siS till he don't upon his affection, obedience, and sympathies for- rightly know wether he's a-standin' on the soles of ever. his boots or the crown of his hat." While the good lady was bestowing this objurga- The individual to whom this observation referred tion on Mr. Ben Allen, Bob Sawyer and Mr. Pickwick was sitting at the upper end of the room when Mr. had retired in close conversation to the inner room, Pickwick entered, and was smoking a large Dutch where Mr. Sawyer was observed to apply himself pipe, with his eye intently fixed on the round face several times to the mouth of a black bottle, under of the landlord: a jolly-looking old personage, to the influence of which his features gradually as- whom he had recently been relating some tale of sumed a cheerful and even jovial expression. And wonder, as was testified by sundry disjointed excla 284:THE PICKWICK CLUB. mations of, "Well, I wouldn't have believed it! these melancholy recollections of departed worth; The strangest thing I ever heard! Couldn't have you won't see a man like my uncle every day in the supposed it possible!" and other expressions of as- week. tonishment which burst spontaneously from his lips, "I have always considered it a great point in my as he returned the fixed gaze of the one-eyed man. uncle's character, gentlemen, that he was the inti"Servant, sir," said the one-eyed man to Mr. mate friend and companion of Tom Smart, of the Pickwick. "Fine night, sir." great house of Bilson and Slum, Cateaton Street, "Very much so indeed," replied Mr. Pickwick, as City. My uncle collected for Tiggin and Welps, but the waiter placed a small decanter of brandy and for a long time he went pretty near the same journey some'hot water before him. as Tom; and the very first night they met, my uncle While Mr. Pickwick was mixing his brandy-and- took a fancy for Tom, and Tom took a fancy for my water, the one-eyed man looked round at him ear- uncle. They made a bet of a new hat before they nestly from time to time, and at length said: had known each other half an hour, who should brew "I think I've seen you before." the best quart of punch and drink it the quickest. "I don't recollect you," rejoined Mr. Pickwick. My uncle was judged to have won the making; but "I dare say not," said the one-eyed man. " You Tom Smart beat him in the drinking by about half didn't know me, but I knew two friends of yours a salt - spoonful. They took another quart apiece that were stopping at the Peacock at Eatanswill at to drink each other's health in, and were staunch the time at the Election." friends ever afterward. There's a destiny in these " Oh, indeed!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. things, gentlemen; we can't help it. " Yes," rejoined the one-eyed man. "I mentioned "In personal appearance, my uncle was a trifle a little circumstance to them about a friend of mine shorter than the middle size; he was a thought of the name of Tom Smart. Perhaps you've heard stouter too, than the ordinary run of people, and perthem speak of it." haps his face might be a shade redder. He had the "Often," rejoined Mr. Pickwick, smiling. "He jolliest face you ever saw, gentlemen: something was your uncle, I think?" like Punch, with a handsomer nose and chin; his "No, no; only a friend of my uncle's," replied the eyes were always twinkling and sparkling with one-eyed man. good-humor; and a smile-not one of your unmean"He was a wonderful man, that uncle of yours, ing wooden grins, but a real, merry, hearty, goodthough," remarked the landlord, shaking his head. tempered smile-was perpetually on his counte"Well, I think he was; I think I may say he nance. He was pitched out of his gig once, and was," answered the one-eyed man. "I could tell knocked, head first, against a mile-stone. There he you a story about that same uncle, gentlemen, that lay, stunned, and so cut about the face with some would rather surprise you." gravel which had been heaped up alongside it, that, "Could you?" said Mr. Pickwick. "Let us hear to use my uncle's own strong expression, if his mothit, by all means." er could have revisited, the earth, she wouldn't have The one-eyed Bagman ladled out a glass of negus known him. Indeed, when I come to think of the from the bowl, and drank it; smoked a long whiff matter, gentlemen, I feel pretty sure she wouldn't, out of the Dutch pipe; and then, calling to Sam for she died when my uncle was two years and seven Weller, who was lingering near the door, that he months old, and I think it's very likely that, even needn't go away unless he wanted to, because the without the gravel, his top-boots would have puzzled story was no secret, fixed his eye upon the landlord's the good lady not a little: to say nothing of his jolly and proceeded, in the words of the next chapter. red face. However, there he lay, and I have heard my uncle say, many a time, that the man said who +- ~ —t —-- )picked him up that he was smiling as merrily as if he had tumbled out for a treat, and that after they CHAPTER XLIX. had bled him, the first faint glimmerings of return-'CNTANI TE STORY OF THE BG ing animation were his jumping up in bed, bursting out into a loud laugh, kissing the young woman who " M/-Y uncle, gentlemen," said the bagman, "was held the basin, and demanding a mutton chop and a IlL one of the merriest, pleasantest, cleverest fel- pickled walnut. He was very fond of pickled wallows that ever lived. I wish you had known him, nuts, gentlemen. He said he always found that, gentlemen. On second thoughts, gentlemen, I don't taken without vinegar, they relished the beer. wish you had known him, for if you had, you would "My uncle's great journey was in the fall of the have been all, by this time, in the ordinary course leaf, at which time he collected debts, and took orof nature, if not dead, at all events so near it, as to ders, in the north: going from London to Edinburgh, have taken # stopping at home and giving up com- from Edinburgh to Glasgow, from Glasgow back to pany: which would have deprived me of the inesti- Edinburgh, and thence to London by the smack. mable pleasure of addressing you at this moment. You are to understand that his second visit to EdinGentlemen, I wish your fathers and mothers had burgh was for his own pleasure. He used to go back known my uncle. They would have been amazingly for a week, just to look up his old friends; and what fond of him, especially your respectable mothers; I with breakfasting with this one, lunching with that, know they would. If any two of his numerous vir- dining with a third, and supping with another, a tues predominated over the many that adorned his pretty tight week he used to make of it. I don't character, I should say they were his mixed punch know whether any of you, gentlemen, ever partook and lhis after-supper song. Excuse my dwelling on of a real substantial hospitable Scotch breakfast, and WHISKY TODDY. 285 then went out to a slight lunch of a bushel of oysters, were drifting over the moon at their giddiest speed: a dozen or so of bottled ale, and a noggin or two of at one time wholly obscuring her; at another, sufferwhisky to close up with. If you ever did, you will ing her to burst forth in full splendor and shed her agree with me that it requires a pretty strong head light on all the objects around; anon driving over to go out to dinner and supper afterward. her again with increased velocity, and shrouding ev"But, bless your hearts and eyebrows^ll this sort ery thing in darkness.'Really, this won't do,' said of thing was nothing to my uncle! He was so well my uncle, addressing himself to the weather, as if he seasoned, that it was mere child's play. I have heard felt himself personally offended.' This is not at all him say that he could see the Dundee people out, the kind of thing for my voyage. It will not do, at any day, and walk home afterward without stagger- any price,' said my uncle, very impressively. Having ing; and yet the Dundee people have as strong heads repeated this several times, he recovered his balance and as strong punch, gentlemen, as you are likely to with some difficulty-for he was rather giddy with meet with between the poles. I have heard of a looking up into the sky so long-and walked merGlasgow man and a Dundee man drinking against rily on. each other for fifteen hours at a sitting. They were "The baillie's house was in the Canongate, and both suffocated, as nearly as could be ascertained, at my uncle was going to the other end of Leith Walk, the same moment; but with this trifling exception, rather better than a mile's journey. On either side gentlemen, they were not a bit the worse for it. of him there shot up against the dark sky tall, gaunt, " One night, within four-and-twenty hours of the straggling houses, with time-stained fronts, and wintime when he had settled to take shipping for Lon- dows that seemed to have shared the lot of eyes in don, my uncle supped at the house of a very old mortals, and to have grown dim and sunken with friend of his, a Baillie Mac something and four sylla- age. Six, seven, eight stories high, were the houses; bles after it, who lived in the old town of Edinburgh. story piled above story, as children build with cards There were the baillie's wife, and the baillie's three -throwing their dark shadows over the roughlydaughters, and the baillie's grown-up son, and three paved road, and making the dark night darker. A or four stout, bushy eyebrowed, canny old Scotch fel- few oil-lamps were scattered at long distances, but lows, that the baillie had got together to do honor to they only served to mark the dirty entrance to some my uncle, and help to make merry. It was a glori- narrow close, or to show where a common stair comous supper. There were kippered salmon, and Finnan municated, by steep and intricate windings, with the haddocks, and a lamb's head, and a haggis-a cele- various flats above. Glancing at all these things brated Scotch dish, gentlemen, which my uncle used with the air of a man who had seen them too often to say always looked to him, when it came to table, before, to think them worthy of much notice now, very much like a cupid's stomach-and a great many my uncle walked up the middle of the street, with a other things besides, that I forget the names of, but thumb in each waistcoat-pocket, indulging from time very good things notwithstanding. The lassies were to time in various snatches of song, chaunted forth pretty and agreeable; and the baillie's wife was one with such good-will and spirit, that the quiet honest of the best creatures that ever lived; and my uncle folk started from their first sleep and lay trembling was in thoroughly good cue. The consequence of in bed till the sound died away in the distance; which was, that the young ladies tittered and gig- when, satisfying themselves that it was only some gled, and the old lady laughed out loud, and the drunken ne'er-do-weel finding his way home, they baillie and the other old fellows roared till they were covered themselves up warm and fell asleep again. red in the face, the whole mortal time. I don't quite "I am particular in describing how my uncle recollect how many tumblers of whisky toddy each walked up the middle of the street, with his thumbs man drank after supper; but this I know, that about in his waistcoat-pockets, gentlemen, because, as he one o'clock in the morning, the. baillie's grown-up often used to say (and with great reason too) there son became insensible while attempting the first is nothing at all extraordinary in this story, unless verse of'Willie brewed a Peck o' Maut;' and he hav- you distinctly understand at the beginning that he ing been, for half an hour before, the only other man was not by any means of a marvelous or romantic visible above the mahogany, it occurred to my uncle turn. that it was almost time to think about going: espe- "Gentlemen, my uncle walked on with his thumbs cially as drinking had set in at seven o'clock, in order in his waistcoat-pockets, taking the middle of the that he might get home at a decent hour. But think- street to himself, and singing, now a verse of a loveing it might not be quite polite to go just then, my song, and then a verse of a drinking one, and when uncle voted himself into the chair, mixed another he was tired of both, whistling melodiously, until he glass, rose to propose his own health, addressed him- reached the North Bridge, which at this point conself in a neat and complimentary speech, and drank nects the old and new towns of Edinburgh. Here the toast with great enthusiasm. Still nobody woke; he stopped for a minute, to look at the strange, irso my uncle took a little drop more-neat this time, regular clusters of lights piled one above the other, to prevent the toddy from disagreeing with him- and twinkling afar off so high, that they looked like and, laying violent hands on his hat, sallied forth stars gleaming from the castle walls on the one side into the street. and the Calton Hill on the other, as if they illumina"It was a wild gusty night when my uncle closed ted veritable castles in the air; while the old picturthe baillie's door, and settling his hat firmly on his esque town slept heavily on, in gloom and darkness head, to prevent the wind from taking it, thrust his below: its palace and chapel of Holyrood, guarded hands into his pockets, and looking upward, took a day and night, as a friend of my uncle's used to say, short survey of the state of the weather. The clouds by old Arthur's Seat, towering, surly and dark, like 286 THE PICKWICK CLUB. some gruff genius, over the ancient city he has watch- it out of some book afterward, for he distinctly ed so long. I say, gentlemen, my uncle stopped here stated that he fell into a kind of doze, as he sat on for a minute, to look about him; and then, paying a the old axle-tree looking at the decayed mail-coaches, compliment to the weather, which had a little clear- and that he was suddenly awakened by some deep ed up, though the moon was sinking, walked on church-bell striking two. Now, my uncle was nevagain, as royally as before; keeping the middle of er a fast thinker, and if he had thought all these the road with great dignity, and looking as if he things, I am quite certain it would have taken him would very much like to meet with somebody who till full half-past two o'clock at the very least. I would dispute possession of it with him. There was am, therefore, decidedly of opinion, gentlemen, that nobody at all disposed to contest the point, as it hap- my uncle fell into the kind of doze, without having pened; and so on he went, with his thumbs in his thought about any thing at all. waistcoat-pockets, like a lamb." "Be this as it may, a church-bell struck two. My "When my uncle reached the end of Leith Walk, uncle woke, rubbed his eyes, and jumped up in ashe had to cross a pretty large piece of waste ground tonishment. which separated him from a short street which he "In one instant after the clock struck two, the had to turn down, to go direct to his lodging. Now, whole of this deserted and quiet spot had become in this piece of waste ground there was at that time a scene of most extraordinary life and animation. an inclosure belonging to some wheelwright who The mail-coach doors were on their hinges, the lincontracted with the Post-office for the purchase of ing was replaced, the iron-work was as good as new, old worn-out mail-coaches; and my uncle, being the paint was restored, the lamps were alight, cushvery fond of coaches, old, young, or middle-aged, all ions and great-coats were on every coach-box, porat once took it into his head to step out of his road ters were thrusting parcels into every boot, guards for no other purpose than to peep between the pal- were stowing away letter-bags, hostlers were dashings at these mails-about a dozen of which, he re- ing pails of water against the renovated wheels; membered to have seen, crowded together in a very numbers of men were rushing about, fixing poles forlorn and dismantled state, inside. My uncle was into every coach; passengers arrived, portmanteaus a very enthusiastic, emphatic sort of person, gentle- were handed up, horses were put to; in short, it was men; so, finding that he could not obtain a good perfectly clear that every mail there was to be off peep between the palings, he got over them, and directly. Gentlemen, my uncle opened his eyes so sitting himself quietly down on an old axle-tree, be- wide at all this, that to the very last moment of his gan to contemplate the mail-coaches with a deal of life, he used to wonder how it fell out that he had gravity. ever been able to shut'em again. "There might be a dozen of them, or there might "'Now then!' said a voice, as my uncle felt a be more-my uncle was never quite certain on this hand on his shoulder,' you're booked for one inside. point; and being a man of very scrupulous veracity You'd better get in.' about numbers, didn't like to say-but there they "'I booked!' said my uncle, turning round. stood, all huddled together in the most desolate con- "'Yes, certainly.' dition imaginable. The doors had been torn from "My uncle, gentlemen, could say nothing, he was their hinges and removed; the linings had been so very much astonished. The queerest thing of all stripped off: only a shred hanging here and there by was, that although there was such a crowd of pera rusty nail; the lamps were gone, the poles had sons, and although fresh faces were pouring in evlong since vanished, the iron-work was rusty, the ery moment, there was no telling where they came paint was worn away; the wind whistled through from. They seemed to start up, in some strange the chinks in the bare wood-work; and the rain, manner, from the ground or the air, and disappear which had collected on the roofs, fell, drop by drop, in the same way. When a porter had put his lug, into the insides with a hollow and melancholy gage in the coach and received his fare, he turned sound. They were the decaying skeletons of de- round and was gone; and before my uncle had well parted mails, and in that lonely place, at that time begun to wonder what had become of him, half a of night, they looked chill and dismal. dozen fresh ones started up, and staggered along un"My uncle rested his head upon his hands, and der the weight of parcels which seemed big enough thought of the busy, bustling people who had rattled to crush them. The passengers were all dressed so about, years before, in the old coaches, and were now oddly, too. Large, broad-skirted laced coats, with as silent and changed; he thought of the numbers great cuffs and no collars, and wigs, gentlemenof people to whom one of those crazy moldering ve- great formal wigs with a tie behind. My uncle hides had borne, night after after, for many years, could make nothing of it. and through all weathers, the anxiously expected "'Now, are you going to get in' said the person intelligence, the eagerly looked-for remittance, the who had addressed my uncle before. He was dresspromised assurance of health and safety, the sudden ed as a mail guard, with a wig on his head and most announcement of sickness and death. The mer- enormous cuffs to his coat, and had a lantern in one chant, the lover, the wife, the widow, the mother, hand, and a huge blunderbuss in the other, which he the school-boy, the very child who tottered to the was going to stow away in his little arm-chest. door at the postman's knock-how had they all'Are you going to get in, Jack Martin?' said the looked forward to the arrival of the old coach. And guard, holding the lantern to my uncle's face. where were they all now!."' Halloo!' said my uncle, falling back a step or "Gentlemen, my uncle used to say that he thought two.' That's familiar!' all this at the time, but I rather suspect he learned "'It's so on the way-bill,' replied the giard. COOLNESS OFT THE BAGMAN'S UNCLE. 287 "'Isn't there a "Mister" before it?' said my uncle. made up his mind to help the lady at any peril, if For he felt, gentlemen, that for a guard he didn't she needed help. know, to call him Jack Martin, was a liberty which "'Death and lightning!' exclaimed the young the Post-office wouldn't have sanctioned if they had gentleman, laying his hand upon his sword as my known it. uncle entered the coach. "'No, there is not,' rejoined the guard, coolly. "'Blood and thunder!' roared the other gentle"'Is the fare paid?' inquired my uncle. man. With this, he whipped his sword out, and "'Of course it is,' rejoined the guard. made a lunge at my uncle without further cere"'It is, is it?' said my uncle.'Then here goes! mony. My uncle had no weapon about him, but Which coach?' with great dexterity he snatched the ill-looking "'This,' said the guard, pointing to an old-fash- gentleman's three-cornered hat from his head, and, ioned Edinburgh and London Mail, which had the receiving the point of his sword right through the steps down, and the door open.'Stop! Here are crown, squeezed the sides together, and held it tight. the other passengers. Let them get in first.' "'Pink him behind!' cried the ill-looking gentle" As the guard spoke, there all at once appeared, man to his companion, as he struggled to regain his right in front of my uncle, a young gentleman in a sword. powdered wig, and a sky-blue coat trimmed with "'He had better not,' cried my uncle, displaying silver, made very full and broad in the skirts, which the heel of one of his shoes in a threatening manwere lined with buckram. Tiggin and Welps were ner.'I'll kick his brains out, if he has any, or fracin the printed calico and waistcoat piece line, gen- ture his skull, if he hasn't.' Exerting all his strength tlemen, so my uncle knew all the materials at once. at this moment, my uncle wrenched the ill-looking He wore knee-breeches, and a kind of leggings rolled man's sword from his grasp, and flung it clean out up over his silk stockings, and shoes with buckles; of the coach-window: upon which the younger genhe had ruffles at his wrists, a three-cornered hat on his tleman vociferated'Death and lightning!' again, head, and a long taper sword by his side. The flaps and laid his hand upon the hilt of his sword in a of his waistcoat came half-way down his thighs, and very fierce manner, but didn't draw it. Perhaps, the ends of his cravat reached to his waist. He gentlemen, as my uncle used to say with a smile, stalked gravely to the coach door, pulled off his hat, perhaps he was afraid of alarming the lady. and held it above his head at arms-length: cocking "' Now, gentlemen,' said my uncle, taking his seat his little finger in the air at the same time, as some deliberately, I don't want to have any death, with affected people do when they take a cup of tea. or without lightning, in a lady's presence, and we Then he drew his feet together, and made a low, have had quite blood and thundering enough for one grave bow, and then put out his left hand. My un- journey; so, if you please, we'll sit in our places like cle was just going to step forward and shake it quiet insides. Here, guard, pick up that gentleman's heartily, when he perceived that these attentions carving-knife.' were directed, not toward him, but to a young lady "As quickly as my uncle said the words, the guard who just then appeared at the foot of the steps, at- appeared at the coach-window, with the gentleman's tired in an old-fashioned green velvet dress with a sword in his hand. He held up his lantern, and long waist and stomacher. She had no bonnet on her looked earnestly in my uncle's face, as he handed it head, gentlemen, which was muffled in a black silk in: when, by its light, my uncle saw, to his great surhood, but she looked round for an instant, as she prise, that an immense crowd of mail-coach guards prepared to get into the coach; and such a beautiful swarmed round the window, every one of whom had face as she disclosed, my uncle had never seen-not his eyes earnestly fixed upon him too. He had neveven in a picture. She got into the coach, holding er seen such a sea of white faces, red bodies, and up her dress with one hand; and, as my uncle al- earnest eyes, in all his born days. ways said with a round oath, when he told the story, "' This is the- strangest sort of thing I ever had he wouldn't have believed it possible that legs and any thing to do with,' thought my. uncle;' allow me feet could have been brought to such a state of per- to return your hat, sir.' fection unless he had seen them with his own eyes. "' The ill-looking gentleman received his three"But, in this one glimpse of the beautiful face, cornered hat in silence, looked at the hole in the my uncle saw that the young lady cast an imploring middle with an inquiring air, and finally stuck it on look upon him, and that she appeared terrified and the top of his wig with a solemnity the effect of distressed. He noticed, too, that the young fellow which was a trifle impaired by his sneezing violentin the powdered wig, notwithstanding his show of ly at the moment, and jerking it off again. gallantry, which was all very fine and grand, clasped "'All right!' cried the guard with the lantern, her tight by the wrist when she got in, and follow- mounting into his little seat behind. Away they ed himself immediately afterward. An uncommon- went. My uncle peeped out of the coach-window ly ill-looking fellow, in a close brown wig and a as they emerged from the yard, and observed that plum-colored suit, wearing a very large sword, and the other mails, with coachmen, guards, horses, and boots up to his hips, belonged to the party; and passengers, complete, were driving round and round when he sat himself down next to the young lady, in circles, at a slow trot of about five miles an hour. who shrunk into a corner at his approach, my uncle My uncle burned with indignation, gentlemen. As was confirmed in his original impression that some- a commercial man, he felt that the mail-bags were thing dark and mysterious was going forward, or, as not to be trifled with, and he resolved to memorialhe always said himself, that'there was a screw loose ize the Post-office on the subject the very instant he somewhere.' It's quite surprising how quickly he reached London. 288 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "At present, however, his thoughts were occupied thoughts, however, he abandoned this plan, as being with the young lady who sat in the farthest corner a shade too melodramatic in the execution, and folof the coach, with her face muffled closely in her lowed the two mysterious men, who, keeping the lady hood; the gentleman with the sky-blue coat sitting between them, were now entering an old house in opposite to her; the other man in the plum-colored front of which the coach had stopped. They turned suit, by her side; and both watching her intently. into the passage, and my uncle followed. If she so much as rustled the folds of her hood, he "Of all the ruinous and desolate places my uncle could hear the ill-looking man clap his hand upon had ever beheld, this was the most so. It looked as his sword, and could tell by the other's breathing if it had once been a large house of entertainment; (it was so dark he couldn't see his face) that he was but the roof had fallen in in many places, and the looking as big as if he were going to devour her at stairs were steep, rugged, and broken. There was a a mouthful. This roused my uncle more and more, huge fire-place in the room into which they walked, and he resolved, come what come might, to see the and the chimney was blackened with smoke; but no end of it. He had a great admiration for bright warm blaze lighted it up now. The white feathery eyes, and sweet faces, and pretty legs and feet; in dust of burned wood was still strewed over the hearth, short, he was fond of the whole sex. It runs in our but the stove was cold, and all was dark and gloomy. family, gentlemen-so am I. "'Well,' said my uncle, as he looked about him, "Many were the devices which my uncle prac-'a mail traveling at the rate of six miles and a half ticed to attract the lady's attention, or at all events an hour, and stopping for an indefinite time at such to engage the mysterious gentlemen in conversation. a hole as this, is rather an irregular sort of proceedThey were all in vain; the gentlemen wouldn't talk, ing, I fancy. This shall be made known. I'll write and the lady didn't dare. He thrust his head out to the papers.' of the coach-window at intervals, and bawled out "My uncle said this in a pretty loud voice, and in to know why they didn't go faster? But he called an open, unreserved sort of manner, with the view till he was hoarse; nobody paid the least attention of engaging the two strangers in conversation if he to him. He leaned back in the coach, and thought could. But neither of them took any more notice of of the beautiful face, and the feet and legs. This him than whispering to each other, and scowling at answered better; it whiled away the time, and kept him as they did so. The lady was at the farther end him from wondering where he was going, and how of the room, and once she ventured to wave her hand, it was that he found himself in such an odd situa- as if beseeching my uncle's assistance. tion. Not that this would have worried him much, "At length the two strangers advanced a little, any way-he was a mighty free-and-easy, roving, and the conversation began in earnest. devil-may-care sort of person, was my. uncle, gentle- "' You don't know this is a private room, I supmen. pose, fellow?' said the gentleman in sky-blue. "All of a sudden the coach stopped.'Halloo!' "'No, I do not, fellow,' rejoined my uncle.'Only said my uncle,' what's in the wind now?' if this is a private room specially ordered for the oc"'Alight here,' said the guard, letting down the casion, I should think the public room must be a very steps. comfortable one;' with this my uncle sat himself "'Here!' cried my uncle. down in a high-backed chair, and took such an ac-' Here,' rejoined the guard. curate measure of the gentleman with his eyes, that "'I'll do nothing of the sort,' said my uncle. Tiggin and Welps could have supplied him with "'Very well, then stop where you are,' said the printed calico for a suit, and not an inch too much or guard. too little, from that estimate alone.' I will,' said my uncle. "' Quit this room,' said both the men together,' Do,' said the guard. grasping their swords. "The other passengers had regarded this colloquy "'Eh?' said my uncle, not at all appearing to with great attention, and, finding that my uncle was comprehend their meaning. determined not to alight, the younger man squeezed "' Quit the room, or you are a dead man,' said the past him, to hand the lady out. At this moment the ill-looking fellow with the large sword, drawing it at ill-looking man was inspecting the hole in the crown the same time and flourishing it in the air. of his three-cornered hat. As the young lady brushed "'Down with him!' cried the gentleman in skypast, she dropped one of her gloves into my uncle's blue, drawing his sword also, and falling back two hand, and softly whispered with her lips, so close to or three yards.'Down with him!' The lady gave his face that he felt her warm breath on his nose, a loud scream. the single word'Help!' Gentlemen, my uncle leap- "Now, my uncle was always remarkable for great ed out of the coach at once, with such violence that boldness, and great presence of mind. All the time it rocked on the springs again. that he had appeared so indifferent to what was go"'Oh! You've thought better of it, have you?' ing on, he had been looking slyly about for some said the guard, when he saw my uncle standing on missile or weapon of defense, and at the very instant the ground. when the swords were drawn he espied, standing in " My uncle looked at the guard for a few seconds, the chimney-corner, an old basket-hilted rapier in a in some doubt whether it wouldn't be better to rusty scabbard. At one bound my uncle caught it wrench his blunderbuss from him, fire it in the face in his hand, drew it, flourished it gallantly above his of the man with the big sword, knock the rest of the head, called aloud to the lady to keep out of the way, company over the head with the stock, snatch up hurled the chair at the man in sky-blue, and the the young lady, and go off in the smoke. On second scabbard at the man in plum-color, and taking ad GALLANTRY OF THE BAGMAN'S UNCLE. 289 vantage of the confusion, fell upon them both, pell- "'We have not an instant to lose here,' said the mell. young lady.'He (pointing to the young gentleman " Gentlemen, there is an old story-none the worse in sky-blue) is the onlyson of the powerful Marquess for being true-regarding a fine young Irish gentle- of Filletoville.' man, who being asked if he could play the fiddle, "' Well then, my dear, I'm afraid he'll never come replied he had no doubt he could, but he couldn't to the title,' said my uncle, looking coolly at the exactly say for certain, because he had never tried. young gentleman as he stood fixed up against the This is not inapplicable to my uncle and his fencing. wall, in the cock-chafer fashion I have described. He had never had a sword in his hand before, except'You have cut off the entail, my love.' once when he played Richard the Third at a private "' I have been torn from my home and friends by theatre: upon which occasion it was arranged with these villains,' said the young lady, her features Richmond that he was to be run through from be- glowing with indignation.'That wretch would hind, without showing fight at all. But here he was, have married me by violence in another hour.' cutting and slashing with two experienced swords- "'Confound his impudence!' said my uncle, bemen: thrusting and guarding and poking and sli- stowing a very contemptuous look on the dying heir cing, and acquitting himself in the most manful and of Filletoville. dexterous manner possible, although up to that time "'As you may guess from what you have seen,' he had never been aware that he had the least notion said the young lady,'the party were prepared to of the science. It only shows how true the old say- murder me if I appealed to any one for assistance. ing is, that a man never knows what he can do till If their accomplices find us here, we are lost. Two he tries, gentlemen. minutes hence may be too late. The mail!' With "The noise of the combat was terrific; each of the these words, overpowered by her feelings, and the three combatants swearing like troopers, and their exertion of sticking the young Marquess of Filletoswords clashing with as much noise as if all the ville, she sunk into my uncle's arms. My uncle knives and steels in Newport market were rattling caught her up, and bore her to the house-door. together at the same time. When it was at its very There stood the mail, with four long-tailed, flowheight, the lady (to encourage my uncle, most prob- ing-maned, black horses, ready harnessed; but no ably) withdrew her hood entirely from her face, and coachman, no guard, no hostler even, at the horses" disclosed a countenance of such dazzling beauty, that heads. he would have fought against fifty men, to win one "Gentlemen, I hope I do no injustice to my unsmile from it and die. He had done wonders before, cle's memory, when I express my opinion, that albut now he began to.powder away like a raving mad though he was a bachelor, he had held some ladies in giant. his arms before this time; I believe, indeed, that he "At this very moment, the gentleman in sky-blue had rather a habit of kissing bar-maids; and I know turning round, and seeing the young lady with her that, in one or two instances, he had been seen by face uncovered, vented an exclamation of rage and credible witnesses to hug a landlady in a very perjealousy, and, turning his weapon against her beau- ceptible manner. I mention the circumstance, to tiful bosom, pointed a thrust at her heart, which show what a very uncommon sort of person this caused my uncle to utter a cry of apprehension that beautiful young lady must have been, to have afmade the building ring. The lady stepped lightly fected my uncle in the way she did; he used to say, aside, and snatching the young man's sword from his that as her long dark hair trailed over his arm, and hand before he had recovered his balance, drove him her beautiful dark eyes fixed themselves upon his to the wall, and running it through him, and the face when she recovered, he felt so strange and nervpaneling, up to the very hilt, pinned him there, hard ous that his legs trembled beneath him. But who and fast. It was a splendid example. My uncle, can look in a sweet, soft pair of dark eyes, without with a loud shout of triumph, and a strength that feeling queer? I can't, gentlemen. I am afraid to was irresistible, made his adversary retreat in the look at some eyes I know, and that's the truth of it. same direction, and plunging the old rapier into the "'You will never leave me,' murmured the young very centre of a large red flower in the pattern of his lady. waistcoat, nailed him beside his friend; there they "'Never,' said my uncle. And he meant it too. both stood, gentlemen, jerking their arms and legs "'My dear preserver!' exclaimed the young lady. about in agony, like the toy-shop figures that are'My dear, kind, brave preserver!' moved by a piece of pack-thread. My uncle always "'Don't,' said my uncle, interrupting her. said afterward that this was one of the surest means "'Why?' inquired the young lady. he knew of for disposing of an enemy; but it was "'Because your mouth looks so beautiful when liable to one objection on the ground of expense, in- you speak,' rejoined my uncle,'that I am afraid I asmuch as it involved the loss of a sword for every shall be rude enough to kiss it.' man disabled. "The young lady put up her hand as if to caution "' The mail, the mail!' cried the lady, running up my uncle not to do so, and said-no, she didn't say to my uncle and throwing her beautiful arms round any thing-she smiled. When you are looking at a his neck;' we may yet escape.' pair of the most delicious lips in the world, and see "' May!' cried my uncle;'why, my dear, there's them gently break into a roguish smile-if you are nobody else to kill, is there?' My uncle was rather very near them, and nobody else by-you can not disappointed, gentlemen, for he thought a little quiet better testify your admiration of their beautiful bit of love-making would be agreeable after the form and color than by kissing them at once. My slaughtering, if it were only to change the subject. uncle did so, and I honor him for it. 19 290 THE PICK WICK CLUB. "' Hark!' cried the young lady, starting.'The his feet to warm them! He got down, and looked noise of wheels and horses!' eagerly inside for the beautiful young lady. Alas! " So it is,' said my uncle, listening. He had a there was neither door nor seat to the coach. It good ear for wheels, and the trampling of hoofs; but was a mere shell. there appeared to be so many horses and carriages "Of course, my uncle knew very well that there rattling toward them from a distance, that it was was some mystery in the matter, and that every impossible to form a guess at their number. The thing had passed exactly as he used to relate it. sound was like that of fifty breaks, with six blood- He remained staunch to the great oath he had sworn cattle in each. to the beautiful young lady, refusing several eligible "' We are pursued!' cried the young lady, clasping landladies on her account, and dying a bachelor at her hands.'We are pursued. I have no hope but last. He always said, what a curious thing it was in you!' that he should have found out, by such a mere acci"There was such an expression of terror in her dent as his clambering over the palings, that the beautiful face, that my uncle made up his mind at ghosts of mail-coaches and horses, guards, coachmen, once. He lifted her into the coach, told her not to and passengers, were in the habit of making journeys be frightened, pressed his lips to hers once more, and regularly every night. He used to add, that he bethen advising her to draw up the window to keep lieved he was the only living person who had ever the cold air out, mounted to the box. been taken as a passenger on one of these excursions. "' Stay, love,' cried the young lady. And I think he was right, gentlemen-at least I nev"'What's the matter?' said my uncle from the er heard of any other." coach-box. "'I want to speak to you,' said the young lady;'only a word. Only one word, dearest.' "I wonder what these ghosts of mail-coaches car"' Must I get down?' inquired my uncle. The lady ry in their bags," said the landlord, who had listened made no answer, but she smiled again. Such a smile, to the whole story with profound attention. gentlemen! It beat the other one all to nothing. "The dead letters, of course," said the Bagman. My uncle descended from his perch in a twinkling. "Oh, ah! To be sure," rejoined the landlord. "I "' What is it, my dear?' said my uncle, looking in never thought of that." at the coach window. The lady happened to bend forward at the same time, and my uncle thought she — looked more beautiful than she had done yet. He was very close to her just then, gentlemen, so he CHAPTER L. really ought to know. "'What is it, my dear?' said my uncle. HOW MR. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW HE WAS RE-ENFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY "'Will you never love any one but me; never HO HE WA E-ENORCD IN TE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY. marry any one beside?' said the young lady. " My uncle swore a great oath that he never would THE horses were put to, punctually at a quarter marry any body else, and the young lady drew in before nine next morning, and Mr. Pickwick and her head, and pulled up the window. He jumped Sam Weller having each taken his seat, the one inupon the box, squared his elbows, adjusted the rib- side and the other out, the postilion was duly dibons, seized the whip which lay on the roof, gave rected to repair in the first instance to Mr. Bob Sawone flick to the off leader, and away went the four yer's house, for the purpose of taking up Mr. Benjalong-tailed flowing-maned black horses, at fifteen min Allen. good English miles an hour, with the old mail-coach It was with feelings of no small astonishment, behind them. Whew! How they tore along! when the carriage drew up before the door with the "The noise behind grew louder. The faster the red lamp, and the very legible inscription of "Sawold mail went, the faster came the pursuers-men, yer, late Nockemorf," that Mr. Pickwick saw, on pophorses, dogs, were leagued in the pursuit. The noise ping his head out of the coach-window, the boy in was frightful, but, above all, rose the voice of the the gray livery very busily employed in putting up young lady urging my uncle on, and shrieking, the shutters; the which, being an unusual and an'Faster! Faster!' un-business-like proceeding at that hour of the morn"They whirled past the dark trees, as feathers ing, at once suggested to his mind two inferences; would be swept before a hurricane. Houses, gates, the one, that some good friend and patient of Mr. churches, hay-stacks, objects of every kind they shot Bob Sawyer's was dead; the other, that Mr. Bob by, with a velocity and noise like roaring waters Sawyer himself was bankrupt. suddenly let loose. Still the noise of pursuit grew "What is the matter?" said Mr. Pickwick to the louder, and still my uncle could hear the young lady boy. wildly screaming,'Faster! Faster!' "Nothing's the matter, sir," replied the boy, ex"My uncle plied whip and rein, and the horses flew panding his month to the whole breadth of his onward till they were white with foam; and yet the countenance. noise behind increased; and yet the young lady cried "All right, all right!" cried Bob Sawyer, suddenly'Faster! Faster!' My uncle gave a loud stamp on appearing at the door, with a small leathern knapthe boot in the energy of the moment, and-found sack, limp and dirty, in one hand, and a rough coat that it was gray morning, and he was sitting in the and shawl thrown over the other arm. " I'm going, wheelwright's yard, on the box of an old Edinburgh old fellow.",mail, shivering with the cold and wet, and stamping "You!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. A VOL UNTEER. 291 Yes," replied Bob Sawyer, "and a regular expe- the bill on the street door, locked it, put the key in dition we'll make of it. Here, Sam! Look out!" his pocket, jumped into the dickey, gave the word Thus briefly bespeaking Mr. Weller's attention, Mr. for starting, and did the whole with such extraorBob Sawyer jerked the leathern knapsack into the dinary precipitation, that before Mr. Pickwick had dickey, where it was immediately stowed away un- well began to consider whether Mr. Bob Sawyer ought der the seat by Sam, who regarded the proceeding to go or not, they were rolling away, with Mr. Bob with great admiration. This done, Mr. Bob Sawyer, Sawyer thoroughly established as part and parcel with the assistance of the boy, forcibly worked him- of the equipage. self into the rough coat, which was d few sizes too So long as their progress was confined to the small for him, and then advancing to the coach- streets of Bristol, the facetious Bob kept his profeswindow, thrust in his head, and laughed boister- sional green spectacles on, and conducted himself ously. with becoming steadiness and gravity of demeanor; "What a start it is, isn't it!" cried Bob, wiping merely giving utterance to divers verbal witticisms the tears out of his eyes with one of the cuffs of the for the exclusive behoof and entertainment of Mr. rough coat. Samuel Weller. But when they emerged on the " My dear sir," said Mr. Pickwick, with some em- open road, he threw off his green spectacles and his barrassment, "I had no idea of your accompanying gravity together, and performed a great variety of us." practical jokes, which were calculated to attract the No, that's just the very thing," replied Bob, seiz- attention of the passers-ly, and to render the caring Mr. Pickwick by the lappel of his coat. " That's riage and those it contained objects of more than the joke." ordinary curiosity; the least conspicuous among "' Oh, that's the joke?" said Mr. Pickwick. these feats being a most vociferous imitation of a t" Of course," replied Bob. "It's the whole point key-bugle, and the ostentatious display of a crimson of the thing, you know-that, and leaving the busi- silk pocket-handkerchief attachedto a walking-stick, ness to take care of itself, as it seems to have made which was occasionally waved in the air with variup its mind not to take care of me." With this ex- ous gestures indicative of supremacy and defiance. planation of the phenomenon of the shutters, Mr. "I wonder," said Mr. Pickwick, stopping in the Bob Sawyer pointed to the shop, and relapsed into midst of a most sedate conversation with Ben Allen, an ecstasy of mirth. bearing reference to the numerous good qualities of " Bless me, you are surely not mad enough to Mr. Winkle and his sister; "I wonder what all the think of leaving your patients without any body to people we pass can see in us to make them stare so." attend them!" remonstrated Mr. Pickwick in a very "It's a neat turn - out," replied Ben Allen, with serious tone. something of pride in his tone. "They're not used "Why not?" asked Bob, in reply. "I shall save to see this sort of thing every day, I dare say." by it, you know. None of them ever pay. Besides," "Possibry," replied Mr. Pickwick. " It may be so. said Bob, lowering his voice to a confidential whis- Perhaps it is." per, "they will be all the better for it; for, being Mr. Pickwick might very probably have reasoned nearly out of drugs, and not able to increase my ac- himself into the belief that it really was: had he count just now, I should have been obliged to give not, just then happening to look out of the coach them calomel all round, and it would have been cer- window, observed that the looks of the passengers tain to have disagreed with some of them. So it's betokened any thing but respectful astonishment, all for the best." and that various telegraphic communications apThere was a philosophy, and a strength of reason- peared to be passing between them and some pering, about this reply which Mr. Pickwick was not sons outside the vehicle: whereupon it occurred to prepared for. He paused a few moments, and add- him that these demonstrations might be, in some reed, less firmly than before, mote degree, referable to the humorous deportment " But this chaise, my young friend, will only hold of Mr. Robert Sawyer. two; and I am pledged to Mr. Allen." "I hope," said Mr. Pickwick, "that our volatile "Don't think of me for a minute," replied Bob. friend is committing no absurdities in that dickey "I've arranged it all; Sam and I will share the behind." dickey between us. Look here. This little bill "Oh dear, no," replied Ben Allen. "Except when is to be wafered on the shop door:'Sawyer, late he's elevated, Bob's the quietest creature breathing." Nockemorf. Inquire of Mrs. Cripps over the way.' Here a prolonged imitation of a key-bugle broke Mrs. Cripps is my boy's mother.' Mr. Sawyer's very upon the ear, succeeded by cheers and screams, all sorry,' says Mrs. Cripps;'couldn't help it-fetched of which evidently proceeded from the throat and away early this morning to a consultation of the lungs of the quietest creature breathing, or, in plainvery first surgeons in the country - couldn't do er designation, of Mr. Bob Sawyer himself. without him-would have him at any price-tre- Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Ben Allen looked expressmendous operation.' The fact is," said Bob, in con- ively at each other, and the former gentleman takclusion, "it'll do me more good than otherwise, I ex- ing off his hat, and leaning out of the coach window pect. If it gets into one of the local papers, it will until nearly the whole of his waistcoat was outside be the making of me. Here's Ben; now, then, jump it, was at length enabled to catch a glimpse of his in!" facetious friend. With these hurried words, Mr. Bob Sawyer pushed Mr. Bob Sawyer was seated not in the dickey, but the post-boy on one side, jerked his friend into the on the roof of the chaise, with his legs as far asunvehicle, slammed the door, put up the steps, wafered der as they would conveniently go, wearing Mr. 292 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Samuel Weller's hat on one side of his head, and "What's this " exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. bearing in one hand a most enormous sandwich, It looks like a case-bottle," remarked Ben Alwhile in the other he supported a goodly-sized case- len, eying the object in question through his spectabottle, to both of which he applied himself with in- cles with some interest; "I rather think it belongs tense relish; varying the monotony of the occupa- to Bob." tion by an occasional howl, or the interchange of The impression was perfectly accurate; for Mr. some lively badinage with any passing stranger. The Bob Sawyer, having attached the case-bottle to the crimson flag was carefully tied in an erect position end of the walking-stick, was battering the window to the rail of the dickey; and Mr. Samuel Weller, with it, in tolten of his wish that his friends inside decorated with Bob Sawyer's hat, was seated in the would partake of its contents in all good-fellowship centre thereof, discussing a twin sandwich with an and harmony. animated countenance, the expression of which be- "What's to be done?" said Mr. Pickwick, looking tokened his entire and perfect approval of the whole at the bottle. "This proceeding is more absurd arrangement. than the other." This was enough to irritate a gentleman with Mr. "I think it would be best to take it in," replied Pickwick's sense of propriety, but it was not the Mr. Ben Alien; "it would serve him right to take it whole extent of the aggravation, for a stage-coach in and keep it, wouldn'tit?" full, inside and out, was meeting them at the mo- " It would," said Mr. Pickwick: " shall I?" ment, and the astonishment of the passengers was "I think it the most proper course we could posvery palpably evinced. The congratulations of an sibly adopt," replied Ben. Irish family, too, who were keeping up with the This advice quite coinciding with his own opinchaise, and begging all the time, were of rather a ion, Mr. Pickwick gently let down the window and boisterous description; especially those of its male disengaged the bottle from the stick: upon which head, who appeared to consider the display as part the latter was drawn up, and Mr. Bob Sawyer was and parcel of some political, or other procession of heard to laugh heartily. triumph. "What a merry dog it is!" said Mr. Pickwick, "Mr. Sawyer.!" cried Mr. Pickwick, in a state of looking round at his companion with the bottle in great excitement. "Mr. Sawyer, sir!" his hand. " Halloo!" responded that gentleman, looking over "He is," said Mr. Allen.. the side of the chaise with all the coolness in life. "You can not possibly be angry with him," re"Are you mad, sir?" demanded Mr. Pickwick. marked Mr. Pickwick. "Not a bit of it," replied Bob; "only cheerful." "Quite out of the question," observed Benjamin " Cheerful, sir!" ejaculated Mr. Pickwick. "Take Allen. down that scandalous red handkerchief, I beg. I During this short interchange of sentiments, Mr. insist, sir. Sam, take it down." Pickwick had, in an abstracted mood, uncorked the Before Sam could interpose, Mr. Bob Sawyer grace- bottle. fully struck his colors, and, having put them in his "What is it?" inquired Ben Allen, carelessly. pocket, nodded in a courteous manner to Mr. Pick- "I don't know," replied Mr. Pickwick, with equal wick, wiped the mouth of the case-bottle, and ap- carelessness. "It smells, I think, like milk-punch." plied it to his own; thereby informing him, with- "Oh, indeed?" said Ben. out any unnecessary waste of words, that he devoted "I think so," rejoined Mr. Pickwick, very properly.that draught to wishing him all manner of happi- guarding himself against the possibility of stating ness and prosperity. Having done this, Bob re- an untruth: "mind, I could not undertake to say placed the cork with great care, and looking benig- certainly, without tasting it." nantly down on Mr. Pickwick, took a large bite out "You had better do so," said Ben; "we may as of the sandwich, and smiled. well know what it is." " Come," said Mr. Pickwick, whose momentary an- "Do you think so?" replied Mr. Pickwick. "Well, ger was not quite proof against Bob's immovable if you are curious to know, of course I have no obself-possession, "pray let us have no more of this jection." absurdity." Ever willing to sacrifice his own feelings to the "No, no," replied Bob, once more exchanging hats wishes of his friend, Mr. Pickwick at once took a with Mr. Weller; "I didn't mean to do it, only I pretty long taste. got so enlivened with the ride that I couldn't help "What is it?" inquired Ben Allen, interrupting it." him with some impatience. "Think of the look of the thing," expostulated "Curious," said Mr. Pickwick, smacking his lips, Mr. Pickwick; " have some regard to appearances." "I hardly know now. Oh yes!" said Mr. Pickwick, "Oh, certainly," said Bob, "it's not the sort of after a second taste. "It is punch." thing at all. All over, governor." Mr. Ben Allen looked at Mr. Pickwick; Mr. PickSatisfied with this assurance, Mr. Pickwick once wick looked at Mr. Ben Allen; Mr. Ben Allen smiled; more drew his head into the chaise and pulled up Mr. Pickwick did not. the glass; but he had scarcely resumed the conver- "It would serve him right," said the last-named sation which Mr. Bob Sawyer had interrupted, when gentleman, with some severity, "it would serve him he was somewhat startled by the apparition of a right to drink it every drop." small dark body, of an oblong form, on the outside "The very thing that occurred to me," said Ben of the window, which gave sundry taps against it, Allen. as if impatient of admission. "Is it, indeed?" rejoined Mr. Pickwick. "Then REFRESHMENTS BY THE WAY. 293 here's his health " With these words, that excel- blackening and obscuring every thing around; the lent person took a most energetic pull at the bottle, glare of distant lights, the ponderous wagons which and handed it to Ben Allen, who was not slow to toiled along the road, laden with clashing rods of imitate his example. The smiles became mutual, iron, or piled with heavy goods-all betokened their and the milk-punch was gradually and cheerfully rapid approach to the great working town of Birdisposed of. mingham. "After all," said Mr. Pickwick, as he drained the As they rattled through the narrow thoroughfares last drop, "his pranks are really very amusing; leading to the heart of the turmoil, the sights and very entertaining indeed." sounds of earnest occupation struck more forcibly on " You may say that," rejoined Mr. Ben Allen. In the senses. The streets were thronged with workproof of Bob Sawyer's being one of the funniest fel- ing people. The hum of labor resounded from evlows alive, he proceeded to entertain Mr. Pickwick ery house, lights gleamed from the long casement with a long and circumstantial account how that windows in the attic stories, and the whirl of wheels gentleman once drank himself into a fever and got and noise of machinery shook the trembling walls. his head shaved; the relation of which pleasant and The fires, whose lurid, sullen light had been visible agreeable history was only stopped by the stoppage for miles, blazed fiercely up, in the great works and of the chaise at the Bell at Berkeley Heath, to change factories of the town. The din of hammers, the rushhorses. ing of steam, and the dead, heavy clanking of en"I say! We're going to dine here, aren't we 1" gines, was the harsh music which arose from every said Bob, looking in at the window.quarter. " Dine!" said Mr. Pickwick. "Why, we have only The post-boywas driving briskly through the open come nineteen miles, and have eighty-seven and a streets, and past the handsome and well-lighted shops half to go." which intervene between the outskirts of the town " Just the reason why we should take something and the Old Royal Hotel, before Mr. Pickwick had to enable us to bear up against the fatigue," remon- begun to consider the very difficult and delicate nastrated Mr. Bob Sawyer. ture of the commission which had carried him "Oh, it's quite impossible to dine at half-past thither.. eleven o'clock in the day," replied Mr. Pickwick, The delicate nature of this commission, and the looking at his watch. difficulty of executing it in a satisfactory manner, "So it is," rejoined Bob, "lunch is the very thing. were by no means lessened by the voluntary comHalloo, you sir! Lunch for three, directly, and panionship of Mr. Bob Sawyer. Truth to tell, Mr. keep the horses back for a quarter of an hour. Tell Pickwick felt that his presence on the occasion, howthem to put every thing they have cold on the ta- ever considerate and gratifying, was by no means an ble, and some bottled ale, and let us taste your very honor he would willingly have sought; in fact, he best Madeira." Issuing these orders with monstrous would cheerfully have given a reasonable sum of importance and bustle, Mr. Bob Sawyer at once hur- money to have had Mr. Bob Sawyer removed to any ried into the house to superintend the arrangements; place at not less than fifty miles' distance, without in less than five minutes he returned and declared delay. them to be excellent. Mr. Pickwick had never held any personal commuThe quality of the lunch fully justified the eulo- nication with Mr. Winkle, senior, although he had gium which Bob had pronounced, and very great once or twice corresponded with him by letter, and justice was done to it, not only by that gentleman, returned satisfactory answers to his inquiries conbut Mr. Ben Allen and Mr. Pickwick also. Under cerning the moral character and behavior of his son; the auspices of the three, the bottled ale and the he felt nervously sensible that to wait upon him for Madeira were promptly disposed of; and when (the the first time, attended by Bob Sawyer and Ben Alhorses being once more put to) they resumed their len, both slightly fuddled, was not the most ingenseats, with the case-bottle full of the best substitute ious and likely means that could have been hit upon for milk-punch that could be procured on so short to prepossess him in his favor. a notice, the key- bugle sounded, and the red flag " However," said Mr. Pickwick, endeavoring to rewaved, without the slightest opposition on Mr. Pick- assure himself, " I must do the best I can. I must wick's part. see him to-night, for I faithfully promised to do so. At the Hop Pole at Tewkesbury, they stopped to If they persist in accompanying me, I must make dine; upon which occasion there was more bottled the interview as brief as possible, and be content to ale, with some more Madeira, and some port besides; hope that, for their own sakes, they will not expose and here the case-bottle was replenished for the themselves." fourth time. Under the influence of these combined As he comforted himself with these reflections, the stimulants, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Ben Allen fell fast chaise stopped at the door of the Old Royal. Ben asleep for thirty miles, while Bob and Mr. Weller Allen having been partially awakened from a stnsang duets in the dickey. pendous sleep, and dragged out by the collar by Mr. It was quite dark when Mr. Pickwick roused him- Samuel Weller, Mr. Pickwick was enabled to alight. self sufficiently to look out of window. The strag- They were shown to a comfortable apartment, and gling cottages by the road-side, the dingy hue of ev- Mr. Pickwick at once propounded a question to the ery object visible, the murky atmosphere, the paths waiter concerning the whereabout of Mr. Winkle's of cinders and brick-dust, the deep-red glow of fur- residence. nace-fires in the distance, the volumes of dense smoke " Close by, sir," said the waiter, "not above five issuing heavily forth from high toppling chimneys, hundred yards, sir. Mr. Winkle is a wharfinger, sir, 294 THE PICKWICK CLUB. at the canal, sir. Private residence is not-oh dear the mantel-piece were the sunken doors of an iron no, sir, not five hundred yards, sir." Here the wait- safe, while a couple of hanging shelves for books, an er blew a candle out, and made a feint of lighting it almanac, and several files of dusty papers, decorated again, in order to afford Mr. Pickwick an opportuni- the walls. ty of asking any further questions, if he felt so dis- "Very sorry to leave you standing at the door, posed. sir," said the girl, lighting a lamp, and addressing "Take any thing now, sir?" said the waiter, light- Mr. Pickwick with a winning smile, "but you was ing the candle in desperation at Mr. Pickwick's si- quite strangers to me; and we have such a many lence. "Tea or coffee, sir? Dinner, sir?" trampers that only come to see what they can lay "Nothing now." their hands on, that really-" " Very good, sir. Like to order supper, sir?"' "There is not the least occasion for any apology, "Not just now." my dear," said Mr. Pickwick, good-humoredly. "Very good, sir." Here he walked softly to the "Not the slightest, my love," said Bob Sawyer, door, and then stopping short, turned round, and playfully stretching forth his arms, and skipping said, with great suavity, from side to side, as if to prevent the young lady's " Shall I send the chamber-maid, gentlemen?" leaving the room. "You may if you please;" replied Mr. Pickwick. The young lady was not at all softened by these "If you please, sir." allurements, for she at once expressed her opinion "And bring some soda-water," said Bob Sawyer. that Mr. Bob Sawyer was an "odous creetur;" and, "Soda-water, sir? Yes, sir." With his mind ap- on his becoming rather more pressing in his attenparently relieved from an overwhelming weight, by tions, imprinted her fair fingers upon his face, and having at last got an order for something, the wait- bounced out of the room with many expressions of er imperceptibly melted away. Waiters never walk aversion and contempt. or run. They have a peculiar and mysterious power Deprived of the young lady's society, Mr. Bob Sawof skimming out of rooms which other mortals pos- yer proceeded to divert himself by peeping into the sess not. desk, looking into all the table-drawers, feigning to Some slight symptoms of vitality having been pick the lock of the iron safe, turning the almanac awakened in Mr. Ben Allen by the soda-water, he with its face to the wall, trying on the boots of Mr. suffered himself to be prevailed upon to wash his Winkle, senior, over his own, and making several face and hands, and to submit to be brushed by Sam. other humorous experiments upon the furniture, all Mr. Pickwick and Bob Sawyer having also repaired of which afforded Mr. Pickwick unspeakable horror the disorder which the journey had made in their and agony, and yielded Mr. Bob Sawyer proportionapparel, the three, started forth, arm in arm, to Mr. ate delight. Winkle's; Bob Sawyer impregnating the atmosphere At length the door opened, and a little old gentlewith tobacco-smoke as he walked along. man in a snuff-colored suit, with a head and face the About a quarter of a mile off, in a quiet, substan- precise counterpart of those belonging to Mr. Wintial-looking street, stood an old red-brick house with kle, junior, excepting that he was rather bald, trotted three steps before the door, and a brass plate upon into the room with Mr. Pickwick's card in one hand, it, bearing, in fat Roman capitals, the words, "Mr. and a silver candlestick in the other. Winkle." The steps were very white, and the bricks "Mr. Pickwick, sir, how do you do?" said Winkle were very red, and the house was very clean; and the elder, putting down the candlestick and profferhere stood Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Benjamin Allen, and ing his hand. "Hope I see you well, sir. Glad to Mr. Bob Sawyer, as the clock struck ten. see you. Be seated, Mr. Pickwick, I beg sir. This A smart servant-girl answered the knock, and gentleman is-" started on beholding the three strangers. "My friend, Mr. Sawyer," interposed Mr. Pickwick, "Is Mr. Winkle at home, my dear?" inquired Mr. "your son's friend." Pickwick. "Oh," said Mr. Winkle the elder, looking rather " He is just going to supper, sir," replied the girl. grimly at Bob. "I hope you are well, sir." "Give him that card, if you please," rejoined Mr. "Right as a trivet, sir," replied Bob Sawyer. Pickwick. "Say I am sorry to trouble him at so "This other gentleman," cried Mr. Pickwick, " is, late an hour; but I am anxious to see him to-night, as you will see, when you have read the letter with and have only just arrived." which I am intrusted, a very near relative, or I The girl looked timidly at Mr. Bob Sawyer, who should rather say a very particular friend of your was expressing his admiration of her personal charms son's. His name is Allen." by a variety of wonderful grimaces; and casting an "That gentleman?" inquired Mr. Winkle, pointing eye at the hats and great-coats which hung in the with the card toward Ben Allen, who had fallen passage, called another girl to mind the door while asleep in an attitude which left nothing of him visishe went up stairs. The sentinel was speedily re- ble but his spine and his coat-collar. lieved; for the girl returned immediately, and beg- Mr. Pickwick was on the point of replying to the ging pardon of the gentlemen for leaving them in question, and reciting Mr. Benjamin Allen's name the street, ushered them into a floor-clothed back and honorable distinctions at full length, when the parlor, half office and half dressing-room, in which sprightly Mr. Bob Sawyer, with a view of rousing his the principal useful and ornamental articles of fur- friend to a sense of his situation, inflicted a startling niture were a desk, a wash-hand stand and shaving- pinch upon the fleshy part of his arm, which caused glass, a boot-rack and boot-jack, a high stool, four him to jump up with a shriek. Suddenly aware chairs, a table, and an old eight-day clock. Over that he was in the presence of a stranger, Mr. Ben WHO DECLINES TO COMMIT HIMSELF. 295 Allen advanced and, shaking Mr. Winkle most affec- "I thought you did, sir," rejoined the old gentletionately by both hands for about five minutes, mur- man, with indignant emphasis. "Perhaps you lookmured, in some half-intelligible fragments of sen- ed at me, sir? tences, the great delight he felt in seeing him, and a "Oh, no! sir, not at all," replied Bob, with exhospitable inquiry whether he felt disposed to take treme civility. any thing after his walk, or would prefer waiting "I am very glad to hear it, sir," said Mr. Winkle, "till dinner-time;" which done, he sat down and senior. Having frowned upon the abashed Bob with gazed about him with a petrified stare, as if he had great magnificence, the old gentleman again brought not the remotest idea where he was, which indeed the letter to the light, and began to read it seriously. he had not. Mr. Pickwick eyed him intently as he turned from All this was most embarrassing to Mr. Pickwick, the bottom line of the first page to the top line of the more especially as Mr. Winkle, senior, evinced the second, and from the bottom of the second to palpable astonishment at the eccentric-not to say the top of the third, and from the bottom of the extraordinary-behavior of his two companions. To third to the top of the fourth; but not the slightest bring the matter to an issue at once, he drew a let- alteration of countenance afforded a clue to the feelter from his pocket, and presenting it to Mr. Winkle, ings with which he received the announcement of senior, said: his son's marriage, which Mr. Pickwick knew was "This letter, sir, is from your son. You will see, in the very first half-dozen lines. by its contents, that on your favorable and fatherly He read the letter to the last word; folded it consideration of it depends his future happiness and again with all the carefulness and precision of a welfare. Will you oblige me by giving it the calm- man of business; and, just when Mr. Pickwick exest and coolest perusal, and by discussing the subject pected some great outbreak of feeling, dipped a pen afterward with me, in the tone and spirit in which in the inkstand, and said as quietly as if he were alone it ought to be discussed? You may judge of speaking on the most ordinary counting-house topic, the importance of your decision to your son, and his "What is Nathaniel's address, Mr. Pickwick?" intense anxiety upon the subject, by my waiting "The George and Vulture, at present," replied upon you, without any previous warning, at so late that gentleman. an hour; and," added Mr. Pickwick, glancing slight- "George and Vulture. Where is that?" ly at his two companions, "and under such unfavor- "George Yard, Lombard Street." able circumstances." "In the City?" With this prelude, Mr. Pickwick placed four close- "Yes." ly-written sides of-extra superfine wire-wove peni- The old gentleman methodically indorsed the adtence in the hands of the astounded Mr. Winkle, sen- dress on the back of the letter; and then, placing ior. Then reseating himself in his chair, he watched it in the desk, which he locked, said, as he got off his looks and manner: anxiously, it is true, but with the stool and put the bunch of keys in his pocket, the open front of a gentleman who feels he has taken " I suppose there is nothing else which need deno part which he need excuse or palliate. tain us, Mr. Pickwick?" The old wharfinger turned the letter over; looked "Nothing else, my dear sir!" observed that warmat the front, back, and sides; made a microscopic hearted person in indignant amazement. "Nothing examination of the fat little boy on the seal; raised else! Have you no opinion to express on this mphis eyes to Mr. Pickwick's face; and then, seating mentous event in our young friend's life? No assurhimself on the high stool, and drawing the lamp ance to convey to him, through me, of the continucloser to him, broke the wax, unfolded the epistle, ance of your affection and protection? Nothing to and lifting it to the light, prepared to read. say which will cheer and sustain him, and the anxJust at this moment, Mr. Bob Sawyer, whose wit ious girl who looks to him for comfort and support? had lain dormant for some minutes, placed his hands My dear sir, consider." upon his knees, and made a face after the portraits "I will consider," replied the old gentleman. "I of the late Mr. Grimaldi, as clown. It so happened have nothing to say just now. I am a man of busithat Mr. Winkle, senior, instead of being deeply en- ness, Mr. Pickwick. I never commit myself hastily gaged in reading the letter, as Mr. Bob Sawyer in any affair, and from what I see of this, I by no thought, chanced to be looking over the top of it at means like the appearance of it. A thousand pounds no less a person than Mr. Bob Sawyer himself; right- is not much, Mr. Pickwick." ly conjecturing that the face aforesaid was made in "You're very right, sir," interposed Ben Allen, just ridicule and derision of his own person, he fixed his awake enough to know that he had spent his thoueyes on Bob with such expressive sternness, that the sand pounds without the smallest difficulty. " You're late Mr. Grimaldi's lineaments gradually resolved an intelligent man. Bob, he's a very knowing felthemselves into a very fine expression of humility low this." and confusion., "I am very happy to find that you do me the jus"Did you speak, sir?" inquired Mr. Winkle, senior, tice to make the admission, sir," said Mr. Winkle, after an awful silence. senior, looking contemptuously at Ben Allen, who " No, sir," replied Bob, with no remains of the clown was shaking his head profoundly. " The fact is, Mr. about him, save and except the extreme redness of Pickwick, that when I gave my son a roving license his cheeks. for a year or so, to see something of men and manners "You are sure you did not, sir?" said Mr. Winkle, (which he has done under your auspices), so that senior. he might not enter into life a mere boarding-school "Oh dear yes, sir, quite," replied Bob. milksop to be gulled by every body, I never bargain 296 THE PICKWICK CLUB. ed for this. He knows that very well; so if I with- things to be seen, and the clicking of pattens and draw my countenance from him on this account, he splashing of rain-drops were the only sounds to be has no call to be surprised. He shall hear from me, heard. Mr. Pickwick. Good-night, sir. Margaret, open the The breakfast was interrupted by very little condoor. versation; even Mr. Bob Sawyer felt the influence All this time, Bob Sawyer had been nudging Mr. of the weather, and the previous day's excitement. Ben Allen to say something on the right side; Ben In his own expressive language, he was "floored." accordingly now burst, without the slightest pre- So was Mr. Ben Allen. So was Mr. Pickwick. liminary notice, into a brief but impassioned piece In protracted expectation of the weather clearing of eloquence. up, the last evening paper from London was read " Sir," said Mr. Ben Allen, staring at the old gen- and re-read with an intensity of interest only known tleman out of a pair of very dim and languid eyes, in cases of extreme destitution; every inch of the and working his right arm vehemently up and down, carpet was walked over with similar perseverance; " you-you ought to be ashamed of yourself." the windows were looked out of often enough to "As the ladies' brother, of course you are an ex- justify the imposition of an additional duty upon cellent judge of the question," retorted Mr. Winkle, them; all kinds of topics of conversation were startsenior. "There; that's enough. Pray say no more, ed, and failed; and at length Mr. Pickwick, when Mr. Pickwick. Good-night, gentlemen!" noon had arrived, without a change for the better, With these words, the old gentleman took up the rang the bell resolutely and ordered out the chaise. candlestick, and opening the room door, politely mo- Although the roads were miry, and the drizzling tioned toward the passage. rain came down harder than it had done yet, and al"You will regret this, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, set- though the mud and wet splashed in at the open ting his teeth close together to keep down his choler; windows of the carriage to such an extent that the for he felt how important the effect might prove to discomfort was almost as great to the pair of insides his young friend. as to the pair of outsides, still there was something " I am at present of a different opinion," calmly in the motion, and the sense of being up and doing, replied Mr. Winkle, senior. "Once again, gentle- which was so infinitely superior to being pent in a men, I wish you a good-night." dull room, looking at the dull rain dripping into a Mr. Pickwick walked, with angry strides, into the dull street, that they all agreed, on starting, that the street. Mr. Bob Sawyer, completely quelled by the change was a great improvement, and wondered how decision of'the old gentleman's manner, took the they could possibly have delayed making it as long same course.. Mr. Ben Allen's hat rolled down the as they had done. steps immediately afterward, and Mr. Ben Allen's When they stopped to change at Coventry, the body followed it directly. The whole party went steam ascended from the horses in such clouds as silent and supperless to bed; and Mr. Pickwick wholly to obscure the hostler, whose voice was howthought, just before he fell asleep, that if he had ever heard to declare from the mist that he expected known Mr. Winkle, senior, had been quite so much the first Gold Medal from the Humane Society, on of a man of business, it was extremely probable he their next distribution of rewards, for taking the might never have waited upon him on such an post-boy's hat off; the water descending from the errand. brim of which, the invisible gentleman declared + -— *c —- must inevitably have drowned him (the post-boy), but for his great presence of mind in tearing it CHAPTER LI. promptly from his head, and drying the gasping man's countenance with a wisp of straw. IN WHICH MR. PICKWICK ENCOUNTERS AN OLD AC- "This is pleasant," said Bob Sawyer, turning up QUAINTANCE. TO WHICH FORTUNATE CIRCUMhis coat-collar, and pulling the shawl over his mouth STANCE THE READER IS MAINLY INDEBTED FOR STANCE THE REER IMINL INDEBED FRto concentrate the fumes of a glass of brandy just MATTER OF THRILLING INTEREST HEREIN SETswallowed DOWN, CONCERNING TWO GREAT PUBLIC MEN OF Wery, replied Sa, composedly. ~~MIGHT AND POWEB~R.^~ "You don't seem to mind it," observed Bob. HE morning which broke upon Mr. Pickwick's "Vy, I don't exactly see no good my mindin' on it sight at eight o'clock was not at all calculated'ud do, sir," replied Sam. to elevate his spirits, or to lessen the depression "That's an unanswerable reason, anyhow," said which the unlooked-for result of his embassy in- Bob. spired. The sky was dark and gloomy, the air was "Yes, sir," rejoined Mr. Weller. "Wotever is is damp and raw, the streets were wet and sloppy. right, as the young nobleman sveetly remarked wen The smoke hung sluggishly above the chimney-tops they put him down in the pension list'cos his mothas if it lacked the courage to rise, and the rain came ers uncle's vife's grandfather vunce lit the king's slowly and doggedly down, as if it had not even the pipe vith a portable tinder-box." spirit to pour. A game-cock in the stable-yard, de- "Not a bad notion that, Sam," said Mr. Bob Sawprived of every spark of his accustomed animation, yer, approvingly. balanced himself dismally on one leg in a corner; "Just wot the young nobleman said ev'ry quartera donkey, moping with drooping head under the day arterwards for the rest of his life," replied Mr. narrow roof of an outhouse, appeared, from his med- Weller. itative and miserable countenance, to be contempla- "Wos you ever called in," inquired Sam, glancing ting suicide. In the street, umbrellas were the only at the driver, after a short silence, and lowering his CONCERNING POST-BOYS AND DONKEYS. 297 voice to a mysterious whisper: " wos you ever called ner, sir, they can get ready in half an hour-pair of in, ven you wos'prentice to a sawbones, to wisit a fowls, sir, and a weal cutlet; French beans,'taturs, post-boy?" tart, and tidiness. You'd better stop vere you are, "I don't remember that I ever was," replied Bob sir, if I might recommend. Take adwice, sir, as the Sawyer. doctor said." "You never see a post-boy in that'ere hospital as The host of the Saracen's Head opportunely apyou walked (as they says o' the ghosts), did you " peared at this moment, to confirm Mr. Weller's statedemanded Sam. ment relative to the accommodations of the estab" No," replied Bob Sawyer. " I don't think I ever lishment, and to back his entreaties with a variety did." of dismal conjectures regarding the state of the roads, "Never know'd a church-yard were there wos a the doubt of fresh horses being to be had at the next post-boy's tombstone, or see a dead post-boy, did stage, the dead certainty of its raining all night, the you?" inquired Sam, pursuing his catechism. equally mortal certainty of its clearing up in the " No," rejoined Bob, " I never did." morning, and other topics of inducement familiar to " No!" rejoined Sam, triumphantly. "Nor never innkeepers. vill; and there's another thing that no man never "Well," said Mr. Pickwick; "but I must send a see, and that's a dead donkey. No man never see a letter to London by some conveyance, so that it may dead donkey,'cept the gen'l'm'n in the black silk be delivered the very first thing in the morning, or smalls as know'd the young'ooman as kep a goat; I must go forward at all hazards." and that wos a French donkey, so wery likely he The landlord smiled his delight. Nothing could warn't wun o' the reg'lar breed." - be easier than for the gentleman to inclose a letter "Well, what has that got to do with the post- in a sheet of brown paper, and send it on, either by boys?" asked Bob Sawyer. the mail or the night coach from Birmingham. If "This here," replied Sam. " Without goin' so far the gentleman was particularly anxious to have it as to as-sert, as some wery sensible people do, that left as soon as possible, he might write outside, " To post-boys and donkeys is both immortal, wot I say is be delivered immediately," which was sure to be atthis; that wenever they feels theirselves gettin' stiff tended to, or " pay the bearer half a crown extra for and past their work, they just rides off together, wun instant delivery," which was surer still. post-boy to a pair in the usual way; wot becomes on "Very well," said Mr. Pickwick, "then we will'em nobody knows; but it's wery probable as they stop here." starts avay to take their pleasure in some other "Lights in the Sun, John; make up the fire; the vorld, for there ain't a man alive as ever see either a gentlemen are wet!" cried the landlord. " This way, donkey or a post-boy a-takin' his pleasure in this!" gentlemen; don't trouble yourselves about the postExpatiating upon this learned and remarkable boy now, sir. I'll send him to you when you ring theory, and citing many curious statistical and oth- for him, sir. Now, John, the candles." er facts in its support, Sam Weller beguiled the time The candles were brought, the fire was stirred up, until they reached Dunchurch, where a dry post-boy and a fresh log of wood thrown on. In ten minutes' and fresh horses were procured; the next stage was time a waiter was laying the cloth for dinner, the Daventry, and the next Towcester; and at the end curtains were drawn, the fire was blazing brightly, of each stage it rained harder than it had done at and every thing looked (as every thing always does, the beginning. in all decent English inns) as if the travelers had "I say," remonstrated Bob Sawyer, looking in at been expected, and their comforts prepared, for days the coach window, as they pulled up before the door beforehand. of the Saracen's Head, Towcester, " this won't do, Mr. Pickwick sat down at a side table, and hastily you know." indited a note to Mr. Winkle, merely informing him " Bless me!" said Mr. Pickwick, just awaking from that he was detained by stress of weather, but would a nap, "I'm afraid you're wet." certainly be in London next day; until when he de" Oh you are, are you?" returned Bob. " Yes, I ferred any account of his proceedings. This note am, a little that way. Uncomfortably damp, per- was hastily made into a parcel, and dispatched to the haps." bar per Mr. Samuel Weller. Bob did look dampish, inasmuch as the rain was Sam left it with the landlady, and was returning to streaming from his neck, elbows, cuffs, skirts, and pull his master's boots off, after drying himself by the knees; and his whole apparel shone so with the wet, kitchen fire, when, glancing casually through a halfthat it might have been mistaken for a full suit of opened door, he was arrested by the sight of a genprepared oil-skin. tleman with a sandy head, who had a large bundle "I am rather wet," said Bob, giving himself a of newspapers lying on the table before him, and shake, and casting a little hydraulic shower around, was perusing the leading article of one with a setlike a Newfoundland dog just emerged from the tled sneer which curled up his nose and all his other water. features into a majestic expression of haughty con"I think it's quite impossible to go on to-night," tempt. interposed Ben. "Halloo!" said Sam, "I ought to know that'ere "Out of the question, sir," remarked Sam Weller, head and them features; the eye-glass too, and the coming to assist in the conference; "it's a cruelty broad-brimmed tile! Eatansvill to vit, or I'm a to animals, sir, to ask'em to do it. There's beds Roman." here, sir," said Sam, addressing his master, "every Sam was taken with a troublesome cough at once, thing clean and comfortable. Wery good little din- for the purpose of attracting the gentleman's atten 298 THE PICKWICK CLUB. tion; the gentleman starting at the sound, raised "Why, I don't exactly know about that," replied his head and his eye-glass, and disclosed to view the Bob Sawyer. " I am —" profound and thoughtful features of Mr. Pott, of the "Not buff, Mr. Pickwick," interrupted Pott, drawEatanswill Gazette. ing back his chair, "your friend is not buff, sir?" "Beggin' your pardon, sir," said Sam, advancing "No, no," rejoined Bob, "I'm a kind of plaid at with a bow, " my master's here, Mr. Pott." present; a compound of all sorts of colors." "Hush, hush!" cried Pott, drawing Sam into the "A waverer," said Pott, solemnly, " a waverer. I room, and closing the door, with a countenance of should like to show you a series of eight articles, sir, mysterious dread and apprehension. that have appeared in the Eatanswill Gazette. I "Wot's the matter, sir " inquired Sam, looking think I may venture to say that you would not be vacantly about him. long in establishing your opinions on a firm and sol" Not a whisper of my name," replied Pott; " this id blue basis, sir." is a buff neighborhood. If the excited and irritable "I dare say I should turn very blue, long before I populace knew I was here, I should be torn to got to the end of them," responded Bob. pieces." Mr. Pott looked dubiously at Bob Sawyer for some " No! Vould you, sir?" inquired Sam. seconds, and, turning to Mr. Pickwick, said: "I should be the victim of their fury," replied "You have seen the literary articles which have Pott. "Now, young man, what of your master?" appeared at intervals in the Eatanswill Gazette in the " He's a-stopping here to-night on his vay to town course of the last three months, and which have exvith a couple of friends," replied Sam. cited such general-I may say such universal-at" Is Mr. Winkle one of them?" inquired Pott, with tention and admiration?" a slight frown. "Why," replied Mr. Pickwick, slightly embarrass" No, sir. Mr. Vinkle stops at home now," rejoined ed by the question, " the fact is, I have been so much Sam. " He's married." engaged in other ways, that I really have not had "Married!" exclaimed Pott, with frightful vehe- an opportunity of perusing them." mence. He stopped, smiled darkly, and added, in a "You should do so, sir," said Pott, with a severe low, vindictive tone," It serves him right!" countenance. Having given vent to this cruel ebullition of dead- " I will," said Mr. Pickwick. ly malice and cold-blooded triumph over a fallen "They appeared in the form of a copious reenemy, Mr. Pott inquired whether Mr. Pickwick's view of a work on Chinese metaphysics, sir," said friends were " blue?" Receiving a most satisfactory Pott. answer in the affirmative from Sam, who knew as " Oh," observed Mr. Pickwick; "from your pen, I much about the matter as Pott himself, he consented hope?" to accompany him to Mr. Pickwick's room, where a "From the pen of my critic, sir," rejoined Pott, with hearty welcome awaited him. An agreement to club dignity. dinners together was at once made and ratified. "An abstruse subject I could conceive," said Mr. " And how are matters going on in Eatanswill?" Pickwick. inquired Mr. Pickwick, when Pott had taken a seat "Very, sir," responded Pott, looking intensely sage. near the fire, and the whole party had got their wet " He crammed for it, to use a technical but expressive boots off, and dry slippers on. " Is the Independent term; he read up for the subject, at my desire, in still in being?" the'Encyclopaedia Britannica. "' " The Independent, sir," replied Pott, " is still drag- " Indeed!" said Mr. Pickwick; "I was not aware ging on a wretched and lingering career. Abhorred that that valuable work contained any information and despised by even the few who are cognizant of respecting Chinese metaphysics." its miserable and disgraceful existence; stifled by "He read, sir," rejoined Pott, laying his hand on the very filth it so profusely scatters; rendered deaf Mr. Pickwick's knee, and looking round with a smile and blind by the exhalations of its own slime; the of intellectual superiority, "he read for metaphysics obscene journal, happily unconscious of its degraded under the letter M, and for China under the letter state, is rapidly sinking beneath that treacherous C, and combined his information, sir?" mud which, while it seems to give it a firm standing Mr. Pott's features assumed so much additional with the low and debased classes of society, is nev- grandeur at the recollection of the power and reertheless rising above its detested head, and will search displayed in the learned effusions in question, speedily ingulf it forever." that some minutes elapsed before Mr. Pickwick felt Having delivered this manifesto (which formed a emboldened to renew the conversation; at length, portion of his last week's leader) with vehement ar- as the Editor's countenance gradually relaxed into ticulation, the editor paused to take breath, and its customary expression of moral supremacy, he looked majestically at Bob Sawyer. ventured to resume the discourse by asking, " You are a young man, sir," said Pott. " Is it fair to inquire what great object has brought Mr. Bob Sawyer nodded. you so far from home?" "So are you, sir," said Pott, addressing Mr. Ben "That object which actuates and animates me in Allen. all my gigantic labors, sir," replied Pott, with a calm Ben admitted the soft impeachment. smile; " my country's good." "And are both deeply imbued with those blue "I supposed it was some public mission," observed principles, which, so long as I live, I have pledged Mr. Pickwick. myself to the people of these kingdoms to support "Yes, sir," resumed Pott, "it is." Here, bending and to maintain?" suggested Pott. toward Mr. Pickwick, he whispered in a deep hollow A POWERFUL ARTICLE. 299 voice, "A buff ball, sir, will take place in Birmingham which followed it, were roused by the mere whisperto-morrow evening." ing of the talismanic word "Dinner" in their ears: "God bless me!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. and to dinner they went with good digestion waiting "Yes, sir, and supper," added Pott. on appetite, and health on both, and a waiter on all "You don't say so!" ejaculated Mr. Pickwick. three. Pott nodded portentously. In the course of the dinner and the sitting which Now, although Mr. Pickwick feigned to stand succeeded it, Mr. Pott descending, for a few moments, aghast at this disclosure, he was so little versed in to domestic topics, informed Mr. Pickwick that the local politics that he was unable to form an adequate air of Eatanswill not agreeing with his lady, she was comprehension of the importance of the dire conspira- then engaged in making a tour of different fashioncy it referred to; observing which, Mr. Pott, draw- able watering-places with a view to the recovery of ing forth the last number of the Eatanswill Gazette, her wonted health and spirits; this was a delicate and referring to the same, delivered himself of the veiling of the fact that Mrs. Pott, acting upon her following paragraph: often repeated threat of separation, had, in virtue of an arrangement negotiated by her brother, the Lieutenant, and concluded by Mr. Pott, permanently "A reptile contemporary has recently sweltered retired with the faithful body-guard upon one moiety forth his black venom in the vain and hopeless at- or half-part of the annual income and profits arising tempt of sullying the fair name of our distinguish- from the editorship and sale of the Eatanswill Gazette. ed and excellent representative, the Honorable Mr. While the great Mr. Pott was dwelling upon this Slumkey-that Slumkey whom we, long before he and other matters, enlivening the conversation from gained his present noble and exalted position, pre- time to time with various extracts from his own ludicted would one day be, as he now is, at once his cubrations, a stern stranger, calling from the window country's brightest honor and her proudest boast: of a stage-coach outward bound, which halted at the alike her bold defender and her honest pride-our inn to deliver packages, requested to know whether, reptile contemporary, we say, has made himself mer- if he stopped short on his journey and remained there ry, at the expense of a superbly embossed plated coal- for the night, he could be furnished with the necesscuttle, which has been presented to that glorious sary accommodation of a bed and bedstead. man by his enraptured constituents, and toward the "Certainly, sir," replied the landlord. purchase of which, the nameless wretch insinuates "I can, can I?" inquired the stranger, who seemed the Honorable Mr. Slumkey himself contributed, habitually suspicious in look and manner. through a confidential friend of his butler's, more than " No doubt of it, sir," replied the landlord. three-fourths of the whole sum subscribed. Why, "Good," said the stranger. "Coachman, I get does not the crawling creature see that, even if this down here. Guard, my carpet-bag!" be the fact, the Honorable Mr. Slumkey only appears Bidding the other passengers good-night in a rathin a still more amiable and radiant light than before, er snappish manner, the stranger alighted. He was if that be possible? Does not even his obtuseness a shortish gentleman, with very stiff black hair cut perceive that this amiable and touching desire to in the porcupine or blacking-brush style, and standcarry out the wishes of the constituent body must ing stiff and straight all over his head; his aspect forever endear him to the hearts and souls of such of was pompous and threatening; his manner was perhis fellow-townsmen as are not worse than swine; emptory; his eyes were sharp and restless; and his or, in other words, who are not as debased as our con- whole bearing bespoke a feeling of great confidence temporary himself? But such is the wretched trick- in himself, and a consciouness of immeasurable suery of hole-and-corner Buffery! These are not its periority over all other people. only artifices. Treason is abroad. We boldly state, This gentleman was shown into the room originalnow that we are goaded to the disclosure, and we ly assigned to the patriotic Mr. Pott; and the waiter throw ourselves on the country and its constables for remarked, in dumb astonishment at the singular coprotection-we boldly state that secret preparations incidence, that he had no sooner lighted the candles are at this moment in progress for a Buff ball; which than the gentleman, diving into his hat, drew forth is to be held in a Buff town, in the very heart and a newspaper, and began to read it with the very centre of a Buff population; which is to be conduct- same expression of indignant scorn, which, upon the ed by a Buff master of the ceremonies; which is to majestic features of Pott, had paralyzed his energies be attended by four ultra Buff members of parlia- an hour before. The man observed too, that whereas ment, and the admission to which is to be by Buff Mr. Pott's scorn had been roused by a. newspaper tickets! Does our fiendish contemporary wince? headed The Eatanswill Independent, this gentleman's Let him writhe, in impotent malice, as we pen the withering contempt was awakened by a newspaper words, WE WILL BE THERE." entitled The Eatanswill Gazette. "There, sir," said Pott, folding up the paper quite "Send the landlord," said the stranger. exhausted, "-that is the state of the case!" "Yes, sir," rejoined the waiter. The landlord and waiter entering at the moment The landlord was sent, and came. with dinner, caused Mr. Pott to lay his finger on his "Are you the landlord?" inquired the gentleman. lips, in token that he considered his life in Mr. Pick- "I am, sir," replied the landlord. wick's hands, and depended on his secrecy. Messrs. "Do you know me?" demanded the gentleman. Bob Sawyer and Benjamin Allen, who had irrever- "I have not that pleasure, sir," rejoined the landently fallen asleep during the reading of the quota- lord. tion. from the Eatanswill Gazette, and the discussion " My name is Slurk," said the gentleman. 300 THE PICKWICK CLUB. The landlord slightly inclined his head. "That reptile!" replied Pott. "Slurk, sir," repeated the gentleman, haughtily. "What reptile?" said Mr. Pickwick, looking about "Do you know me now, man " him for fear he should tread on some overgrown The landlord scratched his head, looked at the ceil- black beetle, or dropsical spider. ing, and at the stranger, and smiled feebly. "That reptile," whispered Pott, catching Mr. Pick" Do you know me, man?" inquired the stranger, wick by the arm, and pointing toward the stranger. angrily. "That reptile Slurk, of the Independent!" The landlord made a strong effort, and at length "Perhaps we had better retire," whispered Mr. replied, " Well, sir, I do not know you." Pickwick. "Great Heaven!" said the stranger, dashing his "Never, sir," rejoined Pott, pot-valiant in a double clenched fist upon the table. "And this is popu- sense, "never." With these words, Mr. Pott took up larity!" his position on an opposite settle, and selecting one The landlord took a step or two toward the door; from a little bundle of newspapers, began to read the stranger fixing his eyes upon him, resumed: against his enemy. "This," said the stranger, " this is gratitude for Mr. Pott, of course, read the Independent, and Mr. years of labor and study in behalf of the masses. I Slurk, of course, read the Gazette; and each gentlealight wet and weary; no enthusiastic crowds press man audibly expressed his contempt of the other's forward to greet their champion; the church-bells compositions by bitter laughs and sarcastic sniffs; are silent; the very name elicits no responsive feel- whence they proceeded to more open expressions ing in their torpid bosoms. It is enough," said the of opinion, such as "absurd," "wretched," " atrociagitated Mr. Slurk, pacing to and fro, " to curdle the ty," " humbug," " knavery," " dirt," " filth," "slime," ink in one's pen, and induce one to abandon their "ditch-water," and other critical remarks of the like cause forever." nature. "Did you say brandy-and-water, sir?" said the Both Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Ben Allen had belandlord, venturing a hint. held these symptoms of rivalry and hatred, with " Rum," said Mr. Slurk, turning fiercely upon him. a degree of delight which imparted great additional "Have you got a fire anywhere " relish to the cigars at which they were puffing most "We can light one directly, sir," said the land- vigorously. The moment they began to flag, the lord. mischievous Mr. Bob Sawyer, addressing Slurk with "Which will throw out no heat until it is bed- great politeness, said: time," interrupted Mr. Slurk. "Is there any body in "Will you allow me to look at your paper, sir, the kitchen?" when you have quite done with it!" Not a soul. There was a beautiful fire. Every " You will find very little to repay you for your body had gone, and the house door was closed for trouble in this contemptible thing, sir," replied Slurk, the night. bestowing a Satanic frown on Pott. " I will drink my rum-and-water," said Mr. Slurk, "You shall have this presently," said Pott, looking "by the kitchen fire." So, gathering up his hat and up, pale with rage, and quivering in his speech, from newspaper, he stalked solemnly behind the landlord the same cause. " Ha! ha! you will be amused with to that humble apartment, and throwing himself on this fellow's audacity." a settle by the fireside, resumed his countenance of Terrific emphasis was laid upon this "thing" and scorn, and began to read and drink in silent dignity. "fellow;" and the faces of both editors began to Now, some demon of discord, flying over the Sara- glow with defiance. cen's Head at that moment, on casting down his "The ribaldry of this miserable man is despicably eyes in mere idle curiosity, happened to behold disgusting," said Pott, pretending to address Bob Slurk established comfortably by the kitchen fire, Sawyer, and scowling upon Slurk. and Pott slightly elevated with wine in another Here Mr. Slurk laughed very heartily, and foldroom; upon which the malicious demon, darting ing up the paper so as to get at a fresh column condown into the last-mentioned apartment with in- veniently, said that the blockhead really amused conceivable rapidity, passed at once into the head of him. Mr. Bob Sawyer, and prompted him for his (the de- " What an impudent blunderer this fellow is," said mon's) own evil purposes to speak as follows: Pott, turning from pink to crimson. "I say, we've let the fire out. It's uncommonly "Did you ever read any of this man's foolery, cold after the rain, isn't it?" sir t" inquired Slurk, of Bob Sawyer. " It really is," replied Mr. Pickwick, shivering. "Never," replied Bob; " is it very bad?" " It wouldn't be a bad notion to have a cigar by "Oh, shocking! shocking!" rejoined Slurk. the kitchen fire, wduld it?" said Bob Sawyer, still "Really! Dear me, this is too atrocious!" exprompted by the demon aforesaid. claimed Pott, at this juncture; still feigning to be " I would be particularly comfortable, I think," re- absorbed in his reading. plied Mr. Pickwick. "Mr. Pott, what do you say?" "If you can wade through a few sentences of Mr. Pott yielded a ready assent; and all four trav- malice, meanness, falsehood, perjury, treachery, and elers, each with his glass in his hand, at once betook cant," said Slurk, handing the paper to Bob, "you themselves to the kitchen, with Sam Weller heading will, perhaps, be somewhat repaid by a laugh at the the procession to show them the way. style of this ungrammatical twaddler." The stranger was still reading; he looked up and "What's that you said, sir?" inquired Mr. Pott, started. Mr. Pott started. looking up, trembling all over with passion. "What's the matter?" whispered Mr. Pickwick. "What's that to you, sir?" replied Slurk. ASSAULT AND' BATTERY. 301 "Ungrammatical twaddler, was it, sir?" said Pott. "Take avay that'ere bag from the t'other mad"Yes, sir, it was," replied Slurk; "and blue bore, man," said Sam to Ben Allen and Bob Sawyer, who sir, if you like that better; ha! ha!" had done nothing but dodge round the group, each Mr. Pott retorted not a word to this jocose insult, with a tortoise-shell lanceltin his hand, ready to but deliberately folded up his copy of the Independ- bleed the first man stunned. "Give it up, you ent, flattened it carefully down, crushed it beneath wretched little creetur, or I'll smother you in it." his boot, spat upon it with great ceremony, and Awed by these threats, and quite out of breath, flung it into the fire. the Independent suffered himself to be disarmed; and " There, sir," said Pott, retreating from the stove, Mr. Weller, removing the extinguisher from Pott, set "and that's the way I would serve the viper who him free with a caution. produces it, if I were not, fortunately for him, re- "You take yourselves off to bed quietly," said strained by the laws of my country." Sam, "or I'll put you both in it, and let you fight it "Serve him so, sir!" cried Slurk, starting up. out vith the mouth tied, as I vould a dozen sich, if "Those laws shall never be appealed to by him, sir, they played these games. And you have the goodin such a case. Serve him so, sir!" ness to come this here vay, sir, if you please." " Hear! hear!" said Bob Sawyer. Thus addressing his master, Sam took him by the " Nothing can be fairer," observed Mr. Ben Allen. arm and led him off, while the rival editors were "Serve him so, sir!" reiterated Slurk, in a loud severally removed to their beds by the landlord, unvoice. der the inspection of Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. BenMr. Pott darted a look of contempt, which might jamin Allen; breathing, as they went away, many have withered an anchor. sanguinary threats, and making vague appointments " Serve him so, sir!" reiterated Slurk, it a louder for mortal combat next day. When they came to voice than before. think it over, however, it occurred to them that they " I will not, sir," rejoined Pott. could do it much better in print, so they recom"Oh, you won't, won't you, sir?" said Mr. Slurk, menced deadly hostilities without delay; and all in a taunting manner; "you hear this, gentlemen! Eatanswill rung with their boldness-on paper. He won't; not that he's afraid; oh, no! he won't. They had taken themselves off in separate coaches, Ha! ha!" early next morning, before the other travelers were " I consider you, sir," said Mr. Pott, moved by this stirring; and the weather having now cleared up, sarcasm, "I consider you a viper. I look upon you, the chaise companions once more turned their faces sir, as a man who has placed himself beyond the to London. pale of society by. his most audacious, disgraceful, and abominable public conduct. I view you, sir, personally and politically, in no other light than as a most unparalleled and unmitigated viper." CHAPTER LII. The indignant Independent did not wait to hear the INVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMend of this personal denunciation; for, catching up his carpet-bag, which was well stuffed with ova- ILY AND THE ELY DOWNFALL OF THE REDNOSED MR. STIGGINS. bles, he swung it in the air as Pott turned away, and, NOSED MR. STIGGINS. letting it fall with a circular sweep on his head just CONSIDERING it a patter of delicacy to abstain at that particular angle of the bag where a good _J from introducing either Bob Sawyer or Ben Althick hair-brush happened to be packed, caused a len to the young couple until they were fully presharp crash to be heard throughout the kitchen, and pared to expect them, and wishing to spare Arabelbrought him at once to the ground. la's feelings as much as possible, Mr. Pickwick pro" Gentlemen," cried Mr. Pickwick, as Pott started posed that he and Sam should alight in the neighup and seized the fire-shovel, "gentlemen! Con- borhood of the George and Vulture, and that the two sider, for Heaven's sake-help-Sam-here-pray, young men should for the present take up their quargentlemen-interfere, somebody." ters elsewhere. To this they very readily agreed, Uttering these incoherent exclamations, Mr. Pick- and the proposition was accordingly acted upon; wick rushed between the infuriated combatants just Mr. Ben Allen and Mr. Bob Sawyer betaking themin time to receive the carpet-bag on one side of his selves to a sequestered pot-shop on the remotest conbody, and the fire-shovel on the other. Whether the fines of the Borough, behind the bar-door of which representatives of the public feeling of Eatanswill their names had in other days very often appeared were blinded by animosity, or (being both acute rea- at the head of long and complex calculations worked soners) saw the advantage of having a third party in white chalk. between them to bear all the blows, certain it is that "Dear me, Mr. Weller," said the pretty house-maid, they paid not the slightest attention to Mr. Pick- meeting Sam at the door. wick, but defying each other with great spirit, plied "Dear me I vish it wos, my dear," replied Sam, the carpet-bag and the fire-shovel most fearlessly. dropping behind, to let his master get out of hearMr. Pickwick would unquestionably have suffered ing. " Wot a sweet-lookin' creetur you are, Mary!" severely for his humane interference, if Mr. Weller, "Lor, Mr. Weller, what nonsense you do talk!" attracted by his master's cries, had not rushed in at said Mary. "Oh! don't, Mr. Weller." the moment, and, snatching up a meal-sack, effect- "Don't what, my dear?" said Sam. ually stopped the conflict by drawing it over the "Why, that," replied the pretty housemaid. "Lor, head and shoulders of the mighty Pott, and clasping do get along with you." Thus admonishing him, him tight round the shoulders. the pretty house-maid pushed Sam against the wall, 302 THE PICKWICK CLUB. declaring that he had tumbled her cap, and put her Sammy for I knows him better so he sends his dooty hair quite out of curl. in which I join and am Samivel infernally yours "And prevented what I was going to say, besides," " TONY VELLER." added Mary. "There'# a letter been waiting here for you four days; you hadn't been gone away half "Wot a incomprehensible letter," said Sam; an hour, when it came; and more than that, it's got "who's to know wot it means, vith all this he-ing immediate, on the outside." and I-ing! It ain't my father's writin','cept this "Vere is it, my love?" inquired Sam. here signater in print letters; that's his." "I took care of it for you, or I dare say it would "Perhaps he got somebody to write it for him, have been lost before this," replied Mary. "There, and signed it himself afterward," said the pretty take it; it's more than you deserve." house-maid. With these words, after many pretty little coquet- "Stop a minit," replied Sam, running over the lettish doubts and fears, and wishes that she might not ter again, and pausing here and there, to reflect, as have lost it, Mary produced the letter from behind he did so. " You've hit it. The gen'l'm'n as wrote the nicest little muslin tucker possible, and handed it wos a-tellin' all about the misfortun' in a proper it to Sam, who thereupon kissed it with much gal- vay, and then my father comes a-lookin' over him, lantry and devotion. and' complicates the whole concern by puttin' his " My goodness me!" said Mary, adjusting the tuck- oar in. That's just the wery sort o' thing he'd do. er, and feigning unconsciousness, "you seem to have You're right, Mary, my dear." grown very fond of it all at once." Having satisfied himself on this point, Sam read To this Mr. Weller only replied by a wink, the in- the letter all over once more, and appearing to form tense meaning of which no description could convey a clear notion of its contents for the first time, ejacthe faintest idea of; and, sitting himself down be- ulated thoughtfully, as he folded it up, side Mary on a window-seat, opened the letter and "And so the poor creatur's dead! I'm sorry for glanced at the contents. it. She warn't a bad-disposed'ooman, if them shep" Halloo!" exclaimed Sam, "wot's all this " herds had let her alone. I'm werry sorry for it." "Nothing the matter, I hope?" said Mary, peeping Mr. Weller uttered these words in so serious a over his shoulder. manner, that the pretty house-maid cast down her " Bless them eyes o' yourn!" said Sam, looking up. eyes and looked very grave. "' Never mind my eyes; you had much better read "Hows'ever," said Sam, putting the letter in his your letter," said the pretty house-maid; and as she pocket with a gentle sigh, "it wos to be-and wos, said so, she made the eyes twinkle with such sly- as the old lady said arter she'd married the footman. ness and beauty that they were perfectly irresist- Can't be helped now, can it, Mary?" ible. Mary shook her head, and sighed too. Sam refreshed himself with a kiss, and read as fol- "I must apply to the hemperor for leave of ablows: sence," said Sam. "Markis Gran Mary sighed again. The letter was so very affectBy dorken ing. Wensdy. " Good-bye!" said Sam. "MY DEAR SAMMLE,-I am wery sorry to have "Good-bye," rejoined the pretty house-maid, turnthe plessure of bein a Bear of ill news your Mother ing her head away. in law cort cold consekens of imprudently settin too "Well, shake hands, won't you?" said Sam. long on the damp grass in the rain a-hearin of a The pretty house-maid put out a hand which, alshepherd who warnt able to leave off till late at though it was a house-maid's, was a very small one, night owen to his havin vound his-self up vith brandy- and rose to go. and-vater and not being able to stop his-self till he "I sha'n't be wery long avay," said Sam. got a little sober which took a-many hours to do the "You're always away," said Mary, giving her head doctor says that if she'd svallo'd varm brandy-and- the slightest possible toss in the air. " You no soonvater artervards insted of afore she mightn't have er come, Mr. Weller, than you go again." been no vus her veels wos immedetly greased and Mr. Weller drew the household beauty closer to everythink done to set her agoin as could be inwent- him, and entered upon a whispering conversation, ed your farther had hopes as she vould have vorked which had not proceeded far, when she turned her round as usual but just as she wos a-turnen the cor- face round and condescended to look at him again. ner my boy she took the wrong road and vent down When they parted, it was somehow or other indishill vith a welocity you never see and notvithstand- pensably necessary for her to go to her room, and arin that the drag wos put on drectly by the medikel range the cap and curls before she could think of man it wornt of no use at all for she paid the last presenting herself to her mistress; which preparapike at twenty minutes afore six o'clock yesterday tory ceremony she went off to perform, bestowing evenin havin done the jouney wery much under the many nods and smiles on Sam over the banisters as reglar time vich praps was partly owen to her haven she tripped up stairs. taken in wery little luggage by the vay your father "I sha'n't be avay more than a day, or two, sir, at says that if you vill come and see me Sammy he vill the farthest," said Sam, when he had communicated take it as a wery great favor for I am wery lonely Sam- to Mr. Pickwick the intelligence of his father's loss. ivel n b he vill have it spelt that vay vich I say ant " As long as may be necessary, Sam," replied Mr. right and as there is sich a many things to settle he Pickwick, "you have my full permission to remain." is sure your guvner won't object of course he vill not Sam bowed. MR. WELLER IN A REFEREE. 303 "You will tell your father, Sam, that if I can be of "Wot observations?" inquired Sam. any assistance to him in his present situation, I shall "Them as she made, arter she was took ill," rebe most willing and ready to lend him any aid in my plied the old gentleman. power," said Mr. Pickwick. "Wot was they?" " Thankee, sir," rejoined Sam. "I'll mention it, sir." "Somethin' to this here effect.' Veller,' she says, And with some expressions of mutual good-will'I'm afeard I've not done by you quite wot I ought and interest, master and man separated. to have done; you're a wery kind-hearted man, and It was just seven o'clock when Samuel Weller, I might ha' made your home more comfortabler. I alighting from the box of a stage-coach which passed begin to see now,' she says, vyen it's too late, that if through Dorking, stood within a few hundred yards a married'ooman vishes to be religious, she should of the Marquis of Granby. It was a cold, dull even- begin vith dischargin' her dooties at home, and ing; the little street looked dreary and dismal; makin' them as is about her cheerful and happy, and the mahogany countenance of the noble and and that vile she goes to church, or chapel, or wot gallant Marquis seemed to wear a more sad and not, at all proper times, she should be wery careful melancholy expression than it was wont to do, as it not to con-wert this sort o' thing into a excuse for swung to and fro, creaking mournfully in the wind. idleness or self-indulgence. I have done this,' she The blinds were pulled down, and the shutters part- says,'and I've vasted time and substance on them ly closed; of the knot of loungers that usually col- as has done it more than me; but I hope ven I'm lected about the door, not one was to be seen; the gone, Veller, that you'll think on me as I wos afore place was silent and desolate. I know'd them people, and as I raly wos by natur'.' Seeing nobody of whom he could ask any prelim-' Susan,' says I-I wos took up wery short by this, inary questions, Sam walked softly in. Glancing Samivel; I von't deny it, my boy-' Susan,' I says, round, he quickly recognized his parent in the dis-'you've been a wery good vife to me, altogether; tance. don't say nothin' at all about it; keep a good heart, The widower was seated at a small round table in my dear, and you'll live to see me punch that'ere the little room behind the bar, smoking a pipe, with Stiggins's head yet.' She smiled at this, Samivel," his eyes intently fixed upon the fire. The funeral said the old gentleman, stifling a sigh with his pipe, had evidently taken place that day; for attached to "but she died arter all!" his hat, which he still retained on his head, was a t "Veil," said Sam, venturing to offer a little homehat-band measuring about a yard and a half in ly consolation, after the lapse of three or four miinlength, which hung over the top rail of the chair utes, consumed by the old gentleman in slowly shakand streamed negligently down. Mr. Weller was in ing his head from side to side, and solemnly smoka very abstracted and contemplative mood. Not- ing; "vell, gov'nor, ve must all come to it, one day withstanding that Sam called him by name several or another." times, he still continued to smoke with the same "So we must, Sammy," said Mr. Weller the elder. fixed and quiet countenance, and was only roused "There's a Providence in it all," said Sam. ultimately by his son's placing the palm of his hand "O' course there is," replied his father, with a nod on his shoulder. of grave approval. "Wot'ud become of the under" Sammy," said Mr. Weller, "you're velcome." takers vithout it, Sammy?" "I've been a-callin' to you half a dozen times," Lost in the immense field of conjecture opened by said Sam, hanging his hat on a peg, "but you didn't this reflection, the elder Mr. Weller laid his pipe on hear me." the table, and stirred the fire with a meditative vis"No, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller, again looking age. thoughtfully at the fire. "I wos in a referee, Sam- While the old gentleman was thus engaged, a very my." buxom-looking cook, dressed in mourning, who had "Wot about?" inquired Sam, drawing his chair been bustling about in the bar, glided into the room, up to the fire. and bestowing many smirks of recognition upon Sam, " In a referee, Sammy," replied the elder Mr. Wel- silently stationed herself at the back of his father's ler, "regarding her, Samivel." Here Mr. Weller chair, and announced her presence by a slight cough: jerked his head in the direction of Dorking church- the which, being disregarded, was followed by a loudyard, in mute explanation that his words referred to er one. the late Mrs. Weller. "Halloo!" said the elder Mr. Weller, dropping the "I wos a-thinkin', Sammy," said Mr. Weller, eying poker as he looked round, and hastily drew his chair his son, with great earnestness, over his pipe; as if away. "Wot's the matter now?" to assure him that however extraordinary and in- "Have a cup of tea, there's a good soul," replied credible the declaration might appear, it was nev- the buxom female, coaxingly. ertheless calmly and deliberately uttered. "I wos "I von't," replied Mr. Weller, in a somewhat boisa-thinkin', Sammy, that upon the whole I wos wery terous manner, "I'll see you-" Mr Weller hastily sorry she wos gone." checked himself, and added in a low tone, "furder "Vell, and so you ought to be," replied Sam. fust." Mr. Weller nodded his acquiescence in the senti- "Oh dear, dear! How adversity does change ment, and again fastening his eyes on the fire, shroud- people!" said the lady, looking upward. ed himself in a cloud, and mused deeply. " It's the only thing'twixt this and the doctor as "Those wos wery sensible observations as she shall change my condition," muttered Mr. Weller. made, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, driving the smoke " I really never saw a man so cross," said the buxaway with his hand, after a long silence. om female. 304 THE PICKWICK CLUB. "Never mind. It's all for my own good; vich is, may not;'cos a coachman may be on the wery amithe reflection vith wich the penitent school-boy com- cablest terms with eighty mile o' females, and yet noforted his feelin's ven they flogged him," rejoined the body think that he ever means to marry any vun old gentleman. among'em. And wot other man can say the same, The buxom female shook her head with a compas- Sammy?" sionate and sympathizing air; and, appealing to "Vell, there's somethin' in that," said Sam. Sam, inquired whether his father really ought not to " If your gov'nor had been a coachman," reasoned make an effort to keep up, and not give way to that Mr. Weller, " do you s'pose as that'ere jury'ud ever lowness of spirits. ha' conwicted him, s'posin' it possible as the matter "You see, Mr. Samuel," said the buxom female," as could ha' gone to that extremity? They dustn't ha' I was telling him yesterday, he will feel lonely, he done it." can't expect but what he should, sir, but he should "Wy not?" said Sam, rather disparagingly. keep up a good heart, because, dear me, I'm sure we "Wy not!" rejoined Mr. Weller; "'cos it'ud ha' all pity his loss, and are ready to do any thing for gone agin their consciences. A reg'lar coachman's a him; and there's no situation in life so bad, Mr. Sam- sort o' con-nectin' link betwixt singleness and matuel, that it can't be mended. Which is what a very rimony, and every practicable man knows it." worthy person said to me when my husband died." "Wot! You mean, they're gen'ral fav'rites, and Here the speaker, putting her hand before her mouth, nobody takes adwantage on'em, p'raps?" said Sam. coughed again, and looked affectionately at the elder His father nodded. Mr. Weller. "How it ever come to that'ere pass," resumed the "As I don't rekvire any o' your conversation just parent Weller, "I can't say. Wy it is that long-stage now, mum, vill you have the goodness to re-tire?" coachmen possess such insiniwations, and is alvays inquired Mr. Weller, in a grave and steady voice. looked up to-a-dored, I may say-by ev'ry young "Well, Mr. Weller," said the buxom female, " I'm'ooman in ev'ry town he vurks through, I don't know. sure I only spoke to you out of kindness." I only know that so it is. It's a reg'lation of natur" Wery likely mum," replied Mr. Weller. "Sam- a dispensary, as your poor mother-in-law used to ssay." ivel, show the lady out, and shut the door arter her." "A dispensation," said Sam, correcting the old This hint was not lost upon the buxom female; gentleman. for she at once left the room, and slammed the door "Wery good, Samivel, a dispensation, if you like it behind her, upon which Mr. Weller, senior, falling better," returned Mr. Weller; "IcAlit a dispensary, back in his chair in a violent perspiration, said, and it's alvays writ up so, at the places vere they " Sammy, if I wos to stop here alone vun veek- gives you physic for nothin' in your own bottles; only vun veek, my boy-that'ere'ooman'ud marry that's all." me by force and wiolence afore it was over." With these words, Mr. Weller refilled and relighted "Wot! Is she so wery fond on you?" inquired his pipe, and once more summoning up a meditative Sam. expression of countenance, continued as follows: " Fond!" replied his father, "I can't keep her avay " Therefore, my boy, as I do not see the adwisabilfrom me. If I was locked up in a fire-proof chest ity o' stoppin' here to be marrid vether I vant to or vith a patent Brahmin, she'd find means to get at me, not, and as at the same time I do not vish to separate Sammy." myself from them interestin' members o' society al"Wot a thing it is, to be so sought arter!" ob- together, I have come to the determination o' drivin' served Sam, smiling. the Safety, and puttin' up vunce more at the Bell " I don't take no pride out on it, Sammy," replied Savage, vich is my nat'ral-born element, Sammy." Mr. Weller, poking the fire vehemently, " it's a horrid "And wot's to become o' the bis'ness?" inquired sitiwation. I'm actiwally drove out o' house and Sam. home by it. The breath was scarcely out o' your "The bis'ness, Samivel," replied the old gentleman, poor mother-in-law's body, ven vun old'ooman sends " good-vill, stock, and fixters, vill be sold by private me a pot o' jam, and another a pot o' jelly, and an- contract; and out o' the money, two hundred pound, other brews a blessed large jug o' camomile-tea, agreeable to a rekvest o' your mother-in-law's to me vich she brings in vith her own hands." Mr. Weller a little afore she died, vill be inwested in your name paused with an aspect of intense disgust, and, look- in —wot do you call, them things agin?" ing round, added in a whisper, "They wos all wid- " Wot things?" inquired Sam. ders, Sammy, all on'em,'cept the camomile-tea vun, " Them things as is always a-goin' up and down, as wos a single young lady o' fifty-three." in the City." Sam gave a comical look in reply, and the old "Omnibuses?" suggested Sam. gentleman having broken an obstinate lump of coal, "Nonsense," replied Mr. Weller. "Them things with a countenance expressive of as much earnest- as is alvays a fluctooatin', and gettin' theirselves inness and malice as if it had been the head of one of wolved somehow or another vith the national debt, the widows last mentioned, said, and the checquers bills,.and all that." "In short, Sammy, I feel that I ain't safe anyveres " Oh! the funds," said Sam. but on the box." "Ah!" rejoined Mr. Weller, " the funs; two hun"How are you safer there than anyveres else " dred pounds o' the money is to be inwested for you, interrupted Sam. Samivel, in the funs; four and a half per cent. re"'Cos a coachman's a privileged indiwidual," re- duced counsels, Sammy." plied Mr. Weller, looking fixedly at his son. "'Cos "Wery kind o' the old lady to think o' me," said a coachman may do vithout suspicion wot other men Sam," and I'm very much obliged to her." MR. STIGGINS CALLS. 305 "The rest vill be inwested in my name," continued the fire, and, seating himself on the very edge, drew the elder Mr. Weller; " and ven I'm took off the road, forth a brown pocket-handkerchief, and applied the it'll come to you; so take care you don't spend it all same to his optics. at vunst, my boy, and mind that no widder gets a While this was going forward, the elder Mr. Welinklin' o' your fortun', or you're done." ler sat back in his chair, with his eyes wide open, Having delivered this warning, Mr. Weller resumed his hands planted on his knees, and his whole counhis pipe with a more serene countenance; the dis- tenance expressive of absorbing and overwhelming closure of these matters appearing to have eased his astonishment. Sam sat opposite him in perfect simind considerably. lence, waiting, with eager curiosity, for the termina" Somebody's a-tappin' at the door," said Sam. tion of the scene. " Let'em tap," replied his father, with dignity. Mr. Stiggins kept the brown pocket-handkerchief Sam acted upon the direction. There was another before his eyes for some minutes, moaning decently tap, and another, and then a long row of taps; upon meanwhile, and then, mastering his feelings by a which Sam inquired why the tapperwas not admitted. strong effort, put it in his pocket and buttoned it up. "Hush," whispered Mr. Weller, with apprehensive After this, he stirred the fire; after that, he rubbed looks, "don't take no notice on'em, Sammy, it's vun his hands and looked at Sam. o' the widders, p'raps." Oh, my young friend," said Mr. Stiggins, breaki/I _ —'- t Act < A RESUMING HIS KIOKING WITH GREATER AGILITY THAN BEFORE. No notice being taken of the taps, the unseen vis- ing the silence in a very low voice, "here's a sorrowitor, after a short lapse, ventured to open the door ful affliction!" and peep in. It was no female head that was thrust Sam nodded very slightly. in at the partially opened door, but the long black "For the man of wrath, too!" added Mr. Stiggins; locks and red face of Mr. Stiggins. Mr. Weller's pipe "it makes a vessel's heart bleed!" fell from his hands. Mr. Weller was overheard by his son to murmur The reverend gentleman gradually opened the something relative to making a vessel's nose bleed; door by almost imperceptible degrees, until the ap- but Mr. Stiggins heard him not. erture was just wide enough to admit of the passage "Do you know, young man," whispered Mr. Stigof his lank body, when he glided into the room and gins, drawing his chair closer to Sam, "whether she closed it after him with great care and gentleness. has left Emanuel any thing?" Turning toward Sam, and raising his hands and eyes "Who's he?" inquired Sam. in token of the unspeakable sorrow with which he "The chapel," replied Mr. Stiggins; "our chapel; regarded the calamity that had befallen the family, our fold, Mr. Samuel." he carried the high-backed ciair to his old corner by "She hasn't left the fold notbin', nor the shepherd 20 306 THE PICKWICK CLUB. nothin', nor the animals nothin'," said Sam, decisive- It was a beautiful and exhilarating sight to see ly; " nor the dogs neither." the red-nosed man writhing in Mr. Weller's grasp, Mr. Stiggins looked slyly at Sam; glanced at the and his whole frame quivering with anguish as kick old gentleman, who was sitting with his eyes closed, followed kick in rapid succession; it was a still as if asleep; and drawing his chair still nearer, said, more exciting spectacle to behold Mr. Weller, after a " Nothing for me, Mr. Samuel?" powerful struggle, immersing Mr. Stiggins's head in Sam shook his head. a horse-trough full of water, and holding it there "I think there's something," said Stiggins, turn- until he was half suffocated. ing as pale as he could turn. " Consider, Mr. Sam- "There!" said Mr. Weller, throwing all his energy uel; no little token " into one most complicated kick, as he at length per"Not so much as the vorth o' that'ere old umber- mitted Mr. Stiggins to withdraw his head from the ella o' yourn," replied Sam. trough, "send any vun o' them lazy shepherds here, "Perhaps," said Mr. Stiggins, hesitatingly, after a and I'll pound him to a jelly first, and drownd him few moments' deep thought, "perhaps she recom- artervards! Sammy, help me in, and fill me a small mended me to the care of the man of wrath, Mr. glass of brandy; I'm out o' breath, my boy." Samuel?" "I think that's wery likely, from what he said," rejoined Sam; "he wos a-speakin' about you jist now." CHAPTER LIII. "Was he, though?" exclaimed Stiggins, brightCOMPRISING THE FINAL EXIT OF MR. JINGLE AND ening up. "Ah! He's changed, I dare say. We COMPRIG THE FINAL EXIT OF MR. JIGLE AND might live very comfortably together now, Mr. Sam- JOB TROTTER; ITH A GREAT MORNING OF BSIuel, eh? I could take care of his property when NES IN A INN UAE. CONC G you are away —good care, you see." you are away-good care, you see." A DOUBLE KNOCK AT MR. PERKER'S DOOR. Heaving a long-drawn sigh, Mr. Stiggins paused -THEN Arabella, after some gentle preparation, for a response. Sam nodded, and Mr. Weller the T and many assurances that there was not the elder gave vent to an extraordinary sound, which least occasion for being low-spirited, was at length being neither a groan, nor a grunt, nor a gasp, nor a made acquainted by Mr. Pickwick with the unsatisgrowl, seemed to partake in some degree of the char- factory result of his visit to Birmingham, she burst acter of all four. into tears, and sobbing aloud, lamented in moving Mr. Stiggins, encouraged by this sound, which he terms that she should have been the unhappy cause understood to betoken remorse or repentance, looked of any estrangement between a father and his son. about him, rubbed his hands, wept, smiled, wept " My dear girl," said Mr. Pickwick, kindly, "it is again, and then, walking softly across the room to a no fault of yours. It was impossible to foresee that well-remembered shelf in one corner, took down a the old gentleman would be so strongly prepossessed tumbler, and with great deliberation put four lumps against his son's marriage, you know. I am sure," of sugar in it. Having got thus far, he looked about added Mr. Pickwick, glancing at her pretty face, him again, and sighed grievously; with that, he " he can have very little idea of the pleasure he dewalked softly into the bar, and presently returning nies himself." with the tumbler half full of pine-apple rum, ad- " Oh my dear Mr. Pickwick," said Arabella, " what vanced to the kettle which was singing gayly on the shall we do, if he continues to be angry with us?" hob, mixed his grog, stirred it, sipped it, sat down, "Why, wait patiently, my dear, until he thinks and taking a loig and hearty pull at the rum-and- better of it," replied Mr. Pickwick, cheerfully. water, stopped for breath. "But, dear Mr. Pickwick, what is to become of The elder Mr. Weller, who still continued to make Nathaniel if his father withdraws his assistance?" various strange and uncouth attempts to appear urged Arabella. asleep, offered not a single word during these pro- "In that case, my love," rejoined Mr. Pickwick, ceedings; but when Stiggins stopped for breath, he " I will venture, to prophesy that he will find some darted upon him, and snatching the tumbler from other friend who will not be backward in helping his hand, threw the remainder of the rum-and-water him to start in the worlds" in his face, and the glass itself into the grate. Then, The significance of this reply was not so well disseizing the reverend gentleman firmly by the collar, guised by Mr. Pickwick but that Arabella underhe suddenly fell to kicking him most furiously: ac- stood it. So, throwing her arms round his neck and companying every application of his top-boots to kissing him affectionately, she sobbed louder than Mr. Stiggins's person with sundry violent and in- before. coherent anathemas upon his limbs, eyes, and body. "Come, come," said Mr. Pickwick, taking her " Sammy," said Mr. Weller, " put my hat on tight hand, " we will wait here a few days longer, and see for me." whether he writes or takes any other notice of your Sam dutifully adjusted the hat with the long hat- husband's communication. If not, I have thought band more firmly on his father's head, and the old of half a dozen plans, any one of which would make gentleman, resuming his kicking with greater agili- you happy at once. There, my dear, there!" ty than before, tumbled with Mr. Stiggins through With these words, Mr. Pickwick gently pressed the bar, and through the passage, out at the front Arabella's hand, and bade her dry her eyes, and not door, and so into the street; the kicking continuing distress her husband. Upon which, Arabella, who the whole way, and increasing in vehemence, rather was one of the best little creatures alive, put her than diminishing, every time the top-boot was lifted. handkerchief in her reticule, and by the time Mr. FOOLISH CONDUCT OF JOB TROTTER. 307 Winkle joined them, exhibited in full lustre the out, and let him come as soon as he likes. You same beaming smiles and sparkling eyes that had haven't got a pinch of snuff about you, have you?" originally captivated him. "No, I have not," replied Mr. Pickwick. "This is a distressing predicament for these young "I'm sorry for it," said Lowten. " Never mind. people," thought Mr. Pickwick, as he dressed him- I'll run out presently, and get a bottle of soda. self next morning. " I'll walk up to Perker's, and Don't I look rather queer about the eyes, Mr. Pickconsult him about tlie matter." wick?" As Mr. Pickwick was further prompted to be- The individual appealed to surveyed Mr. Lowten's take himself to Gray's Inn Square by an anxious eyes from a distance, and expressed his opinion that desire to come to a pecuniary settlement with the no unusual queerness was perceptible in those feakind-hearted little attorney without further delay, tures. he made a hurried breakfast, and executed his in- "I'm glad of it," said Lowten. "We were keeptention so speedily, that ten o'clock had not struck ing it up pretty tolerably at the Stump last night, when he reached Gray's Inn. and I'm rather out of sorts this morning. Perker's It still wanted ten minutes to the. hour when he been about that business of yours, by-the-bye." had ascended the staircase on which Perker's cham- "What business?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. "Mrs. bers were. The clerks had not arrived yet, and he Bardell's costs?" beguiled the time by looking out of the staircase "No, I don't mean that," replied Mr. Lowten. window. "About getting that customer that we paid the ten The healthy light of a fine October morning made shillings in the pound to the bill-discounter for on even the dingy old houses brighten up a little: some your account-to get him out of the Fleet, you know of the dusty windows actually looking almost cheer- -about getting him to Demerara." ful as the sun's rays gleamed upon them. Clerk af- " Oh! Mr. Jingle?" said Mr. Pickwick, hastily. ter clerk hastened into the square by one or other "Yes. Well?" of the entrances, and looking up at the Hall clock, "Well, it's all arranged," said Lowten, mending accelerated or decreased his rate of walking accord- his pen. "The agent at Liverpool said he had been ing to the time at which his office hours nominally obliged to you many times when you were in busicommenced; the half-past nine o'clock people sud- ness, and he would be glad to take him on your recdenly becoming very brisk, and the ten o'clock gen- ommendation." tlemen falling into a pace of most aristocratic slow- "That's well," said Mr. Pickwick. "I am delightness. The clock struck ten, and clerks poured in ed to hear it." faster than ever, each one in a greater perspiration " But I say," resumed Lowten, scraping the back than his predecessor. The noise of unlocking and of the pen preparatory to making a fresh split, opening doors echoed and re-echoed on every side; " what a soft chap that other is!" heads appeared as if by magic in every window; the "Which other?" porters took up their stations for the day; the slip- "Why, that servant, or friend, or whatever he is; shod laundresses hurried off; the postman ran from you know; Trotter." house to house; and the whole legal hive was in a "Ah!" said Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. "I albustle. ways thought him the reverse." " You're early, Mr. Pickwick," said a voice behind "Well, and so did I, from what little I saw of him," him. replied Lowten; " it only shows how one may be de"Ah, Mr. Lowten," replied that gentleman, looking ceived. What do you think of his going to Demeround, and recognizing his old acquaintance. rara, too?" "Precious warm walking, isn't it?" said Lowten, "What! And giving up what was offered him drawing a Bramah key from his pocket, with a here!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. small plug therein, to keep the dust out. "Treating Perker's offer of eighteen bob a week, "You appear to feel it so," rejoined Mr. Pickwick, and a rise if he behaved himself, like dirt," replied smiling at the clerk, who was literally red-hot. Lowten. " He said he must go along with the oth"I've come along rather, I can tell you," replied er one, and so they persuaded Perker to write again, Lowten. " It went the half hour as I came through and they've got him something on the same estate; the Polygon. I'm here before him, though, so I don't not near so good, Perker says, as a convict would mind." get in New South Wales if he appeared at his trial Comforting himself with this reflection, Mr. Low- in a new suit of clothes." ten extracted the plug from the door-key, and hav- "Foolish fellow," said Mr. Pickwick, with glistening opened the door, replugged and repocketed his ing eyes. "Foolish fellow." Bramah, and picked up the letters which the post- " Oh, it's worse than foolish; it's downright sneakman had dropped through the box. He then usher- ing, you know," replied Lowten, nibbing the pen ed Mr. Pickwick into the office. Here, in the twink- with a contemptuous face. " He says that he's the ling of an eye, he divested himself of his coat, put only friend he ever had, and he's attached to him, on a threadbare garment which he took out of a and all that. Friendship's a very good thing in its desk, hung up his hat, pulled forth a few sheets of way: we are all very friendly and comfortable at cartridge and blotting-paper in alternate layers, and the Stump, for instance, over our grog, where every sticking a pen behind his ear, rubbed his hands with man pays for himself; but damn hurting yourself for an air of great satisfaction. any body else, you know! No man should have "There you see, Mr. Pickwick," he said, "now I'm more than two attachments —the first to number complete. I've got my office-coat on, and my pad one, and the second to the ladies; that's what I say 308 THE PICKWICK CLUB. -ha! ha!" Mr. Lowten concluded with a loud "He means to say," said Job, advancing a few laugh, half in jocularity, and half in derision, which paces, "that if he is not carried off by the fever, he was prematurely cut short by the sound of Perker's will pay the money back again. If he lives, he will, footsteps on the stairs: at the first approach of which, Mr. Pickwick. I will see it done. I know he will, he vaulted on his stool with an agility most remark- sir," said Job, with energy. "I could undertake to able, and wrote intensely. swear it." The greeting between Mr. Pickwick and his pro- "Well, well," said Mr. Pickwick, who had been befessional adviser was warm and cordial; the client stowing a score or two of frowns upon Perker, to stop was scarcely ensconced in the attorney's arm-chair, his summary of benefits conferred, which the little however, when a knock was heard at the door, and attorney obstinately disregarded," you must be carea voice inquired whether Mr. Perker was within. ful not to play any more desperate cricket-matches, "Hark!" said Perker, "that's one of our vagabond Mr. Jingle, or to renew your acquaintance with Sir friends-Jingle himself, my dear sir. Will you see Thomas Blazo, and I have little doubt of your prehim " serving your health." " What do you think?" inquired Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Jingle smiled at this sally, but looked rather hesitating. foolish notwithstanding; so Mr. Pickwick changed "Yes, I think you had better. Here, you sir, the subject by saying, what's your name, walk in, will your "' You don't happen to know, do you, what has beIn compliance with this unceremonious invitation, come of another friend of yours-a more humble one, Jingle and Job walked into the room, but, seeing whom I saw at Rochester?" Mr. Pickwick, stopped short in some confusion. " Dismal Jemmy?" inquired Jingle. "Well," said Perker, " don't you know that gen- "Yes." tleman?" Jingle shook his head. "Good reason to," replied Mr. Jingle, stepping for- "Clever rascal-queer fellow, hoaxing geniusward. "Mr. Pickwick-deepest obligations-life- Job's brother." preserver-made a man of me-you shall never re- "Job's brother!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. "Well, pent it, sir." now I look at him closely, there is a likeness." " I am happy to hear you say so," said Mr. Pick- "We were always considered like each other, sir," wick. "You look much better." said Job, with a cunning look just lurking in the " Thanks to you, sir-great change-Majesty's corners of his eyes, "only I was really of a serious Fleet-unwholesome place-very," said Jingle, shak- nature, and he never was. He emigrated to America, ing his head. He was decently and cleanly dressed, sir, in consequence of being too much sought after and so was Job, who stood bolt upright behind him, here to be comfortable; and has never been heard staring at Mr. Pickwick with a visage of iron. of since." "When do they go to Liverpool?" inquired Mr. "That accounts for my not having received the Pickwick, half aside to Perker.' page from the romance of real life,' which he prom" This evening, sir, at seven o'clock," said Job, tak- ised me one morning when he appeared to be coning one step forward. "By the heavy coach from templating suicide on Rochester Bridge, I suppose," the city, sir." said Mr. Pickwick, smiling. "I need not inquire "Are your places taken?" whether his dismal behavior was natural or as"They are, sir," replied Job. sumed." "You have fully made up your mind to go?" "He could assume any thing, sir," said Job. " You " I have sir," answered Job. may consider yourself very fortunate in having es"With regard to such an outfit as was indispensa- caped him so easily. On intimate terms he would ble for Jingle," said Perker, addressing Mr. Pickwick have been even a more dangerous acquaintance aloud, "I have taken upon myself to make an ar- than"-Job looked at Jingle, hesitated, and finally rangement for the deduction of a small sum from his added-" than-than-myself even." quarterly salary, which, being made only for one "A hopeful family yours, Mr. Trotter," said Perker, year, and regularly remitted, will provide for that sealing a letter which he had just finished writing. expense. I entirely disapprove of your doing any " Yes, sir," replied Job. " Very much so." thing for him, my dear sir, which is not dependent "Well," said the little man, laughing; "I hope on his own exertions and good conduct." you are going to disgrace it. Deliver this letter to "Certainly," interposed Jingle, with great firm- the agent when you reach Liverpool, and let me adness. " Clear head-man of the world-quite right vise you, gentlemen, not to be too knowing in the -perfectly." West Indies. If you throw away this chance, you "By compounding with his creditor, releasing his will both richly deserve to be hanged, as I sincerely clothes from the pawnbroker's, relieving him in pris- trust you will be. And now you had better leave on, and paying for his passage," continued Perker, Mr. Pickwick and me alone, for we have other matwithout noticing Jingle's observations, " you have ters to talk over, and time is precious." As Perker already lost upward of fifty pounds." said this, he looked toward the door, with an evident "Not lost," said Jingle, hastly. "Pay it all-stick desire to render the leave-taking as brief as possible. to business-cash up-every farthing. Yellow fever, It was brief enough on Mr. Jingle's part. He perhaps-can't help that-if not-" Here Mr. Jin- thanked the little attorney in a few hurried words gle paused, and striking the crown of his hat with for the kindness and promptitude with which he great violence, passed his hand over his eyes, and sat had rendered his assistance, and, turning to his bendown. efactor, stood for a few seconds as if irresolute what A LAST CHANCE. 309 to say or how to act. Job Trotter relieved his per- especially as Messrs. Dodson and Fogg ought to be plexity; for, with a humble and a grateful bow to ashamed to look him in the face, instead of his beMr. Pickwick, he took his friend gently by the arm ing ashamed to see them. Which latter circumand led him away. stance he begged Mr. Perker to note, with a glowing " A worthy couple!" said Perker, as the door closed countenance and many marks of indignation. behind them. " Very well, my dear sir, very well," replied Perker, " I hope they may become so," replied Mr. Pick- "I can only say that if you expect either Dodson or wick. "What do you think? Is there any chance Fogg to exhibit any symptom of shame or confusion of their permanent reformation?" at having to look you, or any body else in the face, Perker shrugged his shoulders doubtfully, but you are the most sanguine man in your expectaobserving Mr. Pickwick's anxious and disappointed tions that I ever met with. Show them in, Mr. Lowlook, rejoined: ten." " Of course there is a chance. I hope it may prove Mr. Lowten disappeared with a grin, and immedia good one. They are unquestionably penitent now; ately returned ushering in the firm, in due form of but then, you know, they have the recollection of precedence; Dodson first, and Fogg afterward. very recent suffering fresh upon them. What they "You have seen Mr. Pickwick, I believe?" said may become, when that fades away, is a problem Perker to Dodson, inclining his pen in the direction that neither you nor I can solve. However, my dear where that gentleman was seated. sir," added Perker, laying his hand on Mr. Pickwick's " How do you do, Mr. Pickwick?" said Dodson, in shoulder, "your object is equally honorable, what- a loud voice. ever the result is. Whether that species of benevo- "Dear me," cried Fogg, "how do you do, Mr. Picklence which is so very cautious and long-sighted wick? I hope you are well, sir. I thought I knew that it is seldom exercised at all, lest its owner the face," said Fogg, drawing up a chair, and lookshould be imposed upon, and so wounded in his self- ing round him with a smile. love, be real charity or a worldly counterfeit, I leave Mr. Pickwick bent his head very slightly in anto wiser heads than mine to determine. But if those swer to these salutations, and, seeing Fogg pull a two fellows were to commit a burglary to-morrow, bundle of papers from his coat-pocket, rose and my opinion of this action would be equally high." walked to the window. With these remarks, which were delivered in a "There's no occasion for Mr. Pickwick to move, much more animated and earnest manner than is Mr. Perker," said Fogg, untying the red tape which usual in legal gentlemen, Perker drew his chair to encircled the little bundle, and smiling again more his desk, and listened to Mr. Pickwick's recital of sweetly than before. "Mr. Pickwick is pretty well old Mr. Winkle's obstinacy. acquainted with these proceedings. There are no "Give him a week," said Perker, nodding his head secrets between us, I think. He! he! he!" prophetically. "Not many, I think," said Dodson. "Ha! ha! "Do you think he will come round?" inquired ha!" Then both the partners laughed togetherMr. Pickwick. pleasantly and cheerfully, as men who are going to "I think he will," rejoined Perker. "If not, we receive money often do. must try the young lady's persuasion; and that is "We shall make Mr. Pickwick pay for peeping," what any body but you would have done at first." said Fogg, with considerable native humor, as he Mr. Perker was taking a pinch of snuff with vari- unfolded his papers. "The amount of the taxed ous grotesque contractions of countenance, eulogistic costs is one hundred and thirty-three, six, four, Mr. of the persuasive powers appertaining unto young Perker." ladies, when the murmur of inquiry and answer was There was a great comparing of papers, and turnheard in the outer office, and Lowten tapped at the ing over of leaves, by Fogg and Perker, after this door. statement of profit and loss. Meanwhile Dodson "Come in!" cried the little man. said, in an affable manner, to Mr. Pickwick, The clerk came in, and shut the door after him, "I don't think you are looking quite so stout as with great mystery. when I had the pleasure of seeing you last, Mr. Pick"What's the matter?" inquired Perker. wick." "You're wanted, sir." " Possibly not, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick, who had "Who wants me?" been flashing forth looks of fierce indignation, withLowten looked at Mr. Pickwick, and coughed. out producing the smallest effect on either of the "Who wants me? Can't you speak, Mr. Lowten?" sharp practitioners; "I believe I am not, sir. I "Why, sir," replied Lowten, "it's Dodson; and have been persecuted and annoyed by Scoundrels of Fogg is with him." late, sir." " Bless my life!" said the little man, looking at his Perker coughed violently, and asked Mr. Pickwick watch, "I appointed them to be here at half-past whether he wouldn't like to look at the morning eleven, to settle that matter of yours, Pickwick. I paper? To which inquiry Mr. Pickwick returned a gave them an undertaking on which they sent down most decided negative. your discharge; it's very awkward, my dear sir; " True," said Dodson, "I dare say you have been what will you do? Would you like to step into the annoyed in the Fleet; there are some odd gentry next room?" there. Whereabouts were your apartments, Mr. The next room being the identical room in which Pickwick?" Messrs. Dodson and Fogg were, Mr. Pickwick re- "My one room," replied that much-injured genplied that he would remain where he was: the more tleman, "was on the Coffee-room flight." 310 THtE PICKWICK CLUB. " Oh, indeed!" replied Dodson. "I believe that "What, sir!" reiterated Fogg. is a very pleasant part of the establishment." "Do you know that I have been the victim of "Very," replied Mr. Pickwick, dryly. your plots and conspiracies?" continued Mr. PickThere was a coolness about all this which, to a wick. " Do you know that I am the man whom you gentleman of an excitable temperament, had, under have been imprisoning and robbing? Do you know the circumstances, rather an exasperating tendency. that you were the attorneys for the plaintiff, in BarMr. Pickwick restrained his wrath by gigantic ef- dell and Pickwick?" forts; but when Perker wrote a check for the whole "Yes, sir, we do know it," replied Dodson. amount, and Fogg deposited it in a small pocket- "Of course we know it, sir," rejoined Fogg, slapbook with a triumphant smile playing over his pim- ping his pocket-perhaps by accident. ply features which communicated itself likewise to " I see that you recollect it with satisfaction," said the stern countenance of Dodson, he felt the blood in Mr. Pickwick, attempting to call up a sneer for the his cheeks tingling with indignation. first time in his life, and failing most signally in so "Now, Mr. Dodson," said Fogg, putting up the doing. "Although I have long been anxious to tell pocket-book and drawing on his gloves, "I am at you, in plain terms, what my opinion of you is, I your service." should have let even this opportunity pass, in defer"Very good," said Dodson, rising, "I am quite ence to my friend Perker's wishes, but for the unready." warrantable tone you have assumed, and your inso"I am very happy," said Fogg, softened by the lent familiarity. I say insolent familiarity, sir," check, "to have had the pleasure of making Mr. said Mr. Pickwick, turning upon Fogg with a fiercePickwick's acquaintance. I hope you don't think ness of gesture which caused that person to retreat quite so ill of us, Mr. Pickwick, as when we first had toward the door with great expedition. the pleasure of seeing you." " Take care, sir," said Dodson, who, though he was "I hope not," said Dodson, with the high tone of the biggest man of the party, had prudently incalumniated virtue. "Mr. Pickwick now knows us trenched himself behind Fogg, and was speaking better, I trust: whatever your opinion of gentlemen over his head with a very pale face. " Let him asof our profession may be, I beg to assure you, sir, sault you, Mr. Fogg; don't return it on any account." that I bear no ill-will or vindictive feeling toward " No, no, I won't return it," said Fogg, falling back you for the sentiments you thought proper to express a little more as he spoke; to the evident relief of in our office in Freeman's Court, Cornhill, on the oc- his partner, who by these means was gradually getcasion to which my partner has referred." ting into the outer office. "Oh no, no; nor I," said Fogg, in a most forgiv- "You are," continued Mr. Pickwick, resuming the ing manner. thread of his discourse, "you are a well-matched "Our conduct, sir," said Dodson, "will speak for pair of mean, rascally, pettifogging robbers." itself, and justify itself, I hope, upon every occasion. "Well," interposed Perker, " is that all?" We have been in the profession some years, Mr. "It is all summed up in that," rejoined Mr. PickPickwick, and have been honored with the confi- wick; "they are mean, rascally, pettifogging robdence of many excellent clients. I wish you good- bers." morning, sir." " There I" said Perker in a most conciliatory tone. " Good-morning, Mr. Pickwick," said Fogg. So "My dear sirs, he has said all he has to say. Now saying, he put his umbrella under his arm, drew off pray go. Lowten, is that door open?" his right glove, and extended the hand of reconcilia- Mr. Lowten, with a distant giggle, replied in the tion to that most indignant gentleman: who there- affirmative. upon thrust his hands beneath his coat-tails, and "There, there-good-morning-good-morningeyed the attorney with looks of scornful amaze- now pray, my dear sirs-Mr. Lowten, the door!" ment. cried the little man, pushing Dodson and Fogg, noth"Lowten!" cried Perker at this moment. " Open ing loath, out of the Office; " this way, my dear sirs, the door." -now pray don't prolong this-dear me-Mr. Low" Wait one instant," said Mr. Pickwick. " Perker, ten-the door, sir —why don't you attend?" I will speak." " If there's law in England, sir," said Dodson, look" My dear sir, pray let the matter rest where it is," ing toward Mr. Pickwick, as he put on his. hat, " you said the little attorney, who had been in a state of shall smart for this." nervous apprehension during the whole interview; "You are a couple of mean-" "Mr. Pickwick, I beg!" "Remember, sir, you pay dearly for this," said "I will not be put down, sir," replied Mr. Pick- Fogg. wick, hastily. "Mr. Dodson, you have addressed "-Rascally, pettifogging robbers!" continued Mr. some remarks to me." Pickwick, taking not the least notice of the threats Dodson turned round, bent his head meekly, and that were addressed to him. smiled. "Robbers!" cried Mr. Pickwick, running to the "Some remarks to me," repeated Mr. Pickwick, stair-head, as the two attorneys descended. almost breathless; "and your partner has tendered " Robbers!" shouted Mr. Pickwick, breaking from me his hand, and you have both assumed a tone of Lowten and Perker, and thrusting his head out of forgiveness and high-mindedness, which is an extent the staircase window. of impudence that I was not prepared for, even in When Mr. Pickwick drew in his head again, his you." countenance was smiling and placid; and, walking "What, sir!" exclaimed Dodson. quietly back into the office, he declared that he had RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT. 311 now removed a great weight from his mind, and that on the mat, with his eyes closed as if in sleep. He he felt perfectly comfortable and happy. had never seen such a fat boy, in or out of a travelPerker said nothing at all until he had emptied ing caravan; and this, coupled with the calmness his snuff-box, and sent Lowten out to fill it, when he and repose of his appearance, so very different from was seized with a fit of laughing which lasted five what was reasonably to have been expected of the minutes; at the expiration of which time he said inflicter of such knocks, smote him with wonder. that he supposed he ought to be very angry, but he "What's the matter?" inquired the clerk. couldn't think of the business seriously yet-when The extraordinary boy replied not a word; but he could, he would be. he nodded once, and seemed, to the clerk's imagina"Well, now," said Mr. Pickwick, "let me have a tion, to snore feebly. settlement with you." "Where do you come from?" inquired the clerk. " Of the same kind as the last?" inquired Perker, The boy made no sign. He breathed heavily, but with another laugh. in all other respects was motionless. " Not exactly," rejoined Mr. Pickwick, drawing out The clerk repeated the question thrice, and,receivhis pocket-book, and shaking the little man heartily ing no answer, prepared to shut the door, when the by the hand, "I only mean a pecuniary settlement. boy suddenly opened his eyes, winked several times, You have done me many acts of kindness that I can sneezed once, and raised his hand as if to repeat the never repay, and have no wish to repay, for I prefer knocking. Finding the door open, he stared about continuing the obligation." him with astonishment, and at length fixed his eyes With this preface, the two friends dived into some on Mr. Lowten's face. very complicated accounts and vouchers, which, hav- "What the devil do you knock in that way for?" ing been duly displayed and gone through by Per- inquired the clerk, angrily. ker, were at once discharged by Mr. Pickwick, with "Which way?" said the boy,,in a slow and sleepy many professions of esteem and friendship. voice. They had no sooner arrived at this point, than a "Why, like forty hackney-coachmen," replied the most violent and startling knocking was heard at clerk. the door; it was not an ordinary double knock, but "Because master said I wasn't to leave off knocka constant and uninterrupted succession of the loud- ing till they opened the door, for fear I should go to est single raps, as if the knocker were endowed with sleep," said the boy. the perpetual motion, or the person outside had for- "Well," said the clerk, " what message have you gotten to leave off. brought. "Dear me,what's that?" exclaimed Perker, starting. "He's down stairs," rejoined the boy. "I think it is a knock at the door," said Mr. Pick- "Who?" wick, as if there could be the smallest doubt of the "Master. He wants to know whether you're at fact! home." The knocker made a more energetic reply than Mr. Lowten bethought himself, at this juncture, words could have yielded, for it continued to ham- of looking out of the window. Seeing an open carmer with surprising force and noise, without a mo- riage, with a hearty old gentleman in it, looking ment's cessation. up very anxiously, he ventured to beckon him; on " Dear me!" said Perker, ringing his bell, "we shall which the old gentleman jumped out directly. alarm the Inn. Mr. Lowten, don't you hear a knock?" "That's your master in the carriage, L suppose?" "I'll answer the door in one moment, sir," replied said Lowten. the clerk. The boy nodded. The knocker appeared to hear the response, and to All further inquiries were superseded by the apassert that it was quite impossible he could wait so pearance of old Wardle, who, running up stairs and long. It made a stupendous uproar. just recognizing Lowten, passed at once into Mr. " It's quite dreadful," said Mr. Pickwick, stopping Perker's room. his ears. $ "Pickwick!" said the old gentleman. "Your "Make haste, Mr. Lowten," Perker called out, "we hand, my boy! Why have I never heard until the shall have the panels beaten in." day before yesterday of your suffering yourself to be Mr. Lowten, who was washing his hands in a dark cooped up in jail? And why did you let him do it, closet, hurried to the door, and, turning the handle, Perker?" beheld the appearance which is described in the "I couldn't help it, my dear sir," replied Perker, next chapter. with a smile and a pinch of snuff: "you know how -— z~+~~ — obstinate he is." "Of course I do, of course I do," replied the old CHAPTER LIV. gentleman. " I am heartily glad to see him, notCONTAINING SOME PARTICULARS RELATIVE TO withstanding. I will not lose sight of him again in CONTAINING SOME PARTICULARS RELATIVE TO THE a hurry." DOUBLE KNOCK, AND OTHER MATTERS: AMONG HDOUBLE KNOCK, AND OTHERT MATTECRS: AMONG With these words, Wardle shook Mr. Pickwick's WHICH CERTAIN INTERESTING DISCLOSURES RELA- moreand having done the same by Prhand once more,.and, having done the same by PerTIV TO MR. SNODGRASS AND A YOUNG LADY AREker threw himself into an arm-chair; his jolly red BY NO MEANS IRRELEVANT TO THIS HISTORY. face shiningagain with smiles and health. THE object that presented itself to the eyes of "Well!" said Wardle. "Here are pretty goings the astonished clerk was a boy-a wonderfully on-a pinch of your snuff, Perker, my boy-never fat boy-habited as a serving-lad, standing upright were such times, eh?" 312 THE PKICKICK CLUB. "What do you mean?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. headache after she had read Arabella's letter to me, "Mean!" replied Wardle. "Why, I think the girls sat herself down by my side the other evening, and are all running mad; that's no news, you'll say? began to talk over this marriage affair.'Well, pa,' Perhaps it's not; but it's true, for all that." she says,'what do you think of it?''Why, my "You have not come up to London, of all places dear,' I said,'I suppose it's all very well; I hope it's in the world, to tell us that, my dear sir, have you?" for the best.' I answered in this way because I was inquired Perker. sitting before the fire at the time, drinking my grog "No, not altogether," replied Wardle; "though it rather thoughtfully; and I know my throwing in an was the main cause of my coming. How's Ara- undecided word now and then would induce her to bella?" continue talking. Both my girls are pictures of "Very well," replied Mr. Pickwick, "and will be their dear mother, and as I grow old I like to sit delighted to see you, I am sure." with only them by me; for their voices and looks "Black-eyed little jilt!" replied Wardle, " I had a carry me back to the happiest period of my life, and great idea of marrying her myself, one of these odd make me for the moment as young as I used to be days. But I am glad of it too, very glad." then, though not quite so light-hearted.'It's quite " How did the intelligence reach you?" asked Mr. a marriage of affection, pa,' said Bella, after a short Pickwick. silence.'Yes, my dear,' said I,' but such marriages " Oh, it came to my girls, of course," replied War- do not always turn out the happiest."' die. "Arabella wrote, the day before yesterday, to "I question that, mind!" interposed Mr. Pickwick, say she had made a stolen match without her hus- warmly. band's father's consent, and so you had gone down "Very good," responded Wardle, "question any to get it when his refusing it couldn't prevent the thing you like when it's your turn to speak, but match, and all the rest of it. I thought it a very don't interrupt me." good time to say something serious to my girls; so "I beg your pardon," said Mr. Pickwick. I said what a dreadful thing it was that children "Granted," replied Wardle. "'I am sorry to should marry without their parents' consent, and so hear you express your opinion against marriages of forth; but, bless your hearts, I couldn't make the affection, pa,' said Bella, coloring a little.'I was least impression upon them. They thought it such wrong; I ought not to have said so, my dear, either,' a much more dreadful thing that there should have said I, patting her cheek as kindly as a rough old been a wedding without brides-maids, that I might fellow like me could pat it,'for your mother's was as well have preached to Joe himself." one, and so was yours.''It's not that I meant, pa,' Here the old gentleman stopped to laugh; and, said Bella.'The fact is, pa, I wanted to speak to having done so to his heart's content, presently re- you about Emily.'" sumed. Mr. Pickwick started. " But this is not the best of it, it seems. This is "What's the matter now?" inquired Wardle, stoponly half the love-making and plotting that have ping in his narrative. been going forward. We have been walking on "Nothing," replied Mr. Pickwick. "Pray go on." mines for the last six months, and they're sprung at "I never could spin out a story," said Wardle, ablast." ruptly. " It must come out, sooner or later, and it'll " What do you mean?" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, save us all a great deal of time if it comes at once. turning pale; "no other secret marriage, I hope?" The long and the short of it is, then, that Bella at last "No, no," replied old Wardle; "not so bad as mustered up courage to tell me that Emily was very that; no." unhappy; that she and your young friend Snodgrass "What then?" inquired Mr. Pickwick; "am I in- had been in constant correspondence and communiterested in it?" cation ever since last Christmas; that she had very "Shall I answer that question, Perker?" said dutifully made up her mind to run away with him, Wardle. in laudable imitation of her old friend and school"If you don't commit yourself by doing so, my fellow; but that having some compunctions of condear sir." science on the subject, inasmuch as I had always "Well, then, you are," said Wardle. been rather kindly disposed to both of them, they "How?" asked Mr. Pickwick, anxiously. "In had thought it better in the first instance to pay me what way?" the compliment of asking whether I would have any "Really," replied Wardle, " you're such a fiery objection to their being married in the usual mattersort of young fellow that I am almost afraid to tell of-fact manner. There now, Mr. Pickwick, if you you; but, however, if Perker will sit between us to can make it convenient to reduce your eyes to their prevent mischief, I'll venture." usual size again, and to let me hear what you think Having closed the room door, and fortified him- we ought to do, I shall feel rather obliged to you!" self with another application to Perker's snuff-box, The testy manner in which the hearty old gentlethe old gentleman proceeded with his great disclo- man uttered this last sentence was not wholly unsure in these words: warranted; for Mr. Pickwick's face had settled down " The fact is, that my daughter Bella-Bella, who into an expression of blank amazement and perplexmarried young Trundle, you know." ity quite curious to behold. "Yes, yes, we know," said Mr. Pickwick, impa- "Snodgrass! Since last Christmas!" were the tiently. first broken words that issued from the lips of the "Don't alarm me at the very beginning. My confounded gentleman. daughter Bella, Emily having gone to bed with a "Since last Christmas," replied Wardle; "that's THE FAT BOY SEES A SIGHT. 313 plain enough, and very bad spectacles we must have or other, for I'm tired of you, and just talk this matworn, not to have discovered it before." ter over between you. If you have not settled it by "I don't understand it," said Mr. Pickwick, rumi- the next time I see you, I'll tell you what to do." nating; " I really can not understand it." "This is satisfactory," said Wardle, hardly know"It's easy enough to understand," replied the ing whether to smile or be offended. choleric old gentleman. " If you had been a young- "Pooh, pooh, my dear sir," returned Perker. " I er man, you would have been in the secret long ago; know you both a great deal better than you know and besides," added Wardle, after a moment's hesi- yourselves. You have settled it already, to all intation, "the truth is, that, knowing nothing of this tents and purposes." matter, I have rather pressed Emily, for four or five Thus expressing himself, the little gentleman months past, to receive favorably (if she could; I poked his snuff-box, first into the chest of Mr. Pickwould never attempt to force a girl's inclinations) wick, and then into the waistcoat of Mr. Wardle, the addresses of a young gentleman down in our upon which they all three laughed, but especially the neighborhood. I have no doubt that, girl-like, to two last-named gentlemen, who at once shook hands enhance her own value and increase the ardor of again, without any obvious or particular reason. Mr. Snodgrass, she has represented this matter in "You dine with me to-day," said Wardle to Perker, very glowing colors, and that they have both arrived as he showed them out. at the conclusion that they are a terribly persecuted "Can't promise, my dear sir, can't promise," repair of unfortunates, and have no resource but clan- plied Perker. "I'll look in in the evening, at all destine matrimony or charcoal. Now the question events." is, what's to be done?" "I shall expect you at five," said Wardle. " Now, " What have you done?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. Joe!" And Joe having been at length awakened, "I!" the two friends departed in Mr. Wardle's carriage, "I mean what did you do when your married which in common humanity had a dickey behind for daughter told you this?" the fat boy, who, if there had been a foot-board in" Oh, I made a fool of myself of course," rejoined stead, would have rolled off and killed himself in his Wardle. very first nap. "Just so," interposed Perker, who had accompa- Driving to the George and Vulture, they found nied this dialogue with sundry twitchings of his that Arabella and her maid had sent for a hackneywatch-chain, vindictive rubbings of his nose, and coach immediately on the receipt of a short note from other symptoms of impatience. " That's very natu- Emily announcing her arrival in town, and had proral; but how?" ceeded straight to the Adelphi. As Wardle had "I went into a great passion, and frightened my business to transact in the city, they sent the carmother into a fit," said Wardle. riage and the fat boy to his hotel, with the informa" That was judicious," remarked Perker; "and tion that he and Mr. Pickwick would return together what else?" to dinner at five o'clock. "I fretted and fumed all next day, and raised a Charged with this message, the fat boy returned, great disturbance," rejoined the old gentleman. slumbering as peaceably in his dickey, over the stones, "At last I got tired of rendering myself unpleasant as if it had been a down bed on watch-springs. By and making every body miserable; so I hired a car- some extraordinary miracle he awoke of his own acriage at Muggleton, and, putting my own horses in cord when the coach stopped, and giving himself a it, came up to town, under pretense of bringing Emi- good shake to stir up his faculties, went up stairs to ly to see Arabella." execute his commission. " Miss Wardle is with you, then?" said Mr. Pick- Now, whether the shake had jumbled the fat boy's wick. faculties together, instead of arranging them in prop" To be sure she is," replied Wardle. " She is at er order, or had roused such a quantity of new ideas Osborne's hotel, in the Adelphi, at this moment, un- within him as to render him oblivious of ordinary less your enterprising friend has run away with her forms and ceremonies, or (which is also possible) had since I came out this morning." proved unsuccessful in preventing his falling asleep "You are reconciled, then?" said Perker. as he ascended the stairs, it is an undoubted fact that "Not a bit of it," answered Wardle; "she has he walked into the sitting-room without previously been crying and moping ever since, except last night, knocking at the door; and so beheld a gentleman between tea and supper, when she made a great pa- with his arms clasping his young mistress's waist, rade of writing a letter that I pretended to take no sitting very lovingly by her side on a sofa, while Aranotice of." bella and her pretty handmaid feigned to be absorb"You want my advice in this matter, I suppose " ed in looking out of a window at the other end of said Perker, looking from the musing face of Mr. the room. At sight of this phenomenon, the fat boy Pickwick to the eager countenance of Wardle, and uttered an interjection, the ladies a scream, and the taking several consecutive pinches of his favorite gentleman an oath, almost simultaneously. stimulant. "Wretched creature, what do you want here?" "I suppose so," said Wardle, looking at Mr. Pick- said the gentleman, who it is needless to say was Mr. wick. Snodgrass. " Certainly," replied that gentleman. To this the fat boy, considerably terrified, briefly "Well, then," said Perker, rising and pushing his responded, " Missis." chair back, "my advice is, that you both walk away "What do you want me for?" inquired Emily, together, or ride away, or get away by some means turning her head aside, " You stupid creature!" 314 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " Master and Mr. Pickwick is agoing to dine here burst into a horse-laugh: being for the first and only at five," replied the fat boy. time in his existence. "Leave the room!" said Mr. Snodgrass, glaring "He understands us,I see," said Arabella. upon the bewildered youth. "He had better have something to eat immedi"No, no, no," added Emily, hastily. "Bella, dear, ately," remarked Emily. advise me." The fat boy almost laughed again when he heard Upon this, Emily and Mr. Snodgrass, and Arabella this suggestion. Mary, after a little more whisperand Mary, crowded into a corner, and conversed ing, tripped forth from the group, and said, earnestly in whispers for some minutes, during which "I am going to dine with you to-day, sir, if you the fat boy dozed. have no objection." " Joe," said Arabella, at length, looking round with " This way," said the fat boy, eagerly. "There is a most bewitching smile, "how do you do, Joe?" such a jolly meat-pie!" "Joe," said Emily, "you're a very good boy; I With these words, the fat boy led the way down won't forget you, Joe." stairs; his pretty companion captivating all the ished youth, and seizing his hand, "I didn't know followed him to the eating-room. you before. There's five shillings for you, Joe!" There was the meat-pie of which the youth had "I'll owe you five, Joe," said Arabella, "for old spoken so feelingly, and there were, moreover, a steak, acquaintance' sake, you know;" and another most and a dish of potatoes, and a pot of porter. captivating smile was bestowed upon the corpulent " Sit down," said the fat boy. "Oh, my eye, how intruder. prime! I am 80so hungry!" The fat boy's perception being slow, he looked Having apostrophized his eye, in a species of raprather puzzled at first to account for this sudden pr- ture, five or six times, the youth took the head of the possession in his favor, and stared about him in a very little table, and Mary seated herself at the bottom. alarming manner. At length his broad face began "Will you have some of this?" said the fat boy, to show symptoms of a grin of proportionately broad plunging into the pie up to the very ferules of the dimensions; and then, thrusting half a crown into knife and fork. each of his pockets, and a hand and wrist after it, he "A little, if you please," replied Mary. TENDER AS WELL AS FAT. 315 The fat boy assisted Mary to a little, and himself "No, no, I won't tell," said the fat boy, stoutly. to a great deal, and was just going to begin eating, "That's a dear," said Mary. "Now it's time I when he suddenly laid down his knife and fork, lean- went up stairs and got my lady ready for dinner." ed forward in his chair, and letting his hands, with "Don't go yet," urged the fat boy. the knife and fork in them, fall on his knees, said, "I must," replied Mary. "Good - bye, for the very slowly: present." " I say! How nice you look!" The fat boy, with elephantine playfulness, stretchThis was said in an admiring manner, and was, so ed out his arms to ravish a kiss; but as it required far, gratifying; but still there was enough of the no great agility to elude him, his fair enslaver had cannibal in the young gentleman's eyes to render the vanished before he closed them again: upon which compliment a double one. the apathetic youth ate a pound or so of steak with "Dear me, Joseph," said Mary, affecting to blush, a sentimental countenance, and fell fast asleep. " what do you mean?" There was so much to say up stairs, and there The fat boy gradually recovering his former po- were so many plans to concert for elopement and sition, replied with a heavy sigh, and remaining matrimony in the event of old Wardle continuing to thoughtful for a few moments, drank a long draught be cruel, that it wanted only half an hour of dinner of the porter. Having achieved this feat, he sighed when Mr. Snodgrass took his final adieu. The ladies again, and applied himself assiduously to the pie. ran to Emily's bedroom to dress, and the lover taking "What a nice young lady Miss Emily is!" said up his hat, walked out of the room. He had scarceMary, after a long silence. ly got outside the door, when he heard Wardle's The fat boy had by this time finished the pie. He voice talking loudly, and looking over the banisters, fixed his eyes on Mary, and replied, beheld him, followed by some other gentlemen, com" I knows a nicerer." ing straight up stairs. Knowing nothing of the "Indeed!" said Mary. house, Mr. Snodgrass, in his confusion, stepped hasti"Yes, indeed!" replied the fat boy, with unwonted ly back into the room he had just quitted, and passvivacity. ing from thence into an inner apartment (Mr. War" What's her name?" inquired Mary. die's bed-chamber), closed the door softly, just as the "What's yours?" persons he had caught a glimpse of entered the sit"Mary." ting-room. These were Mr. Wardle, Mr. Pickwick, "So's hers," said the fat boy. "You're her." The Mr. Nathaniel Winkle, and Mr. Benjamin Allen, whom boy grinned to add point to the compliment, and put he had no difficulty in recognizing by their voices. his eyes into something between a squint and a cast, "Very lucky I had the presence of mind to avoid which there is reason to believe he intended for an them," thought Mr. Snodgrass, with a smile, and ogle. walking on tiptoe to another door near the bedside; " You musn't talk to me in that way," said Mary; " this opens into the same passage, and I can walk "you don't mean it." quietly and comfortably away." "Don't I, though?" replied the fat boy; " I say!" There was only one obstacle to his walking quiet"Well." ly and comfortably away, which was that the door "Are you going to come here regular?" was locked, and the key gone. "No," rejoined Mary, shaking her head, " I'm go- "Let us have some of your best wine to-day, wait - ing away again to-night. Why?" er," said old Wardle, rubbing his hands. "Oh!" said the fat boy, in a tone of strong feeling; " You shalt have some of the very best, sir," re"how we should have enjoyed ourselves at meals, if plied the waiter. you had been!" " Let the ladies know we have come in." "I might come here sometimes, perhaps, to see "Yes, sir." you," said Mary, plaiting the table-cloth in assumed Devoutly and ardently did Mr. Snodgrass wish coyness, "if you would do me a favor." that the ladies could know he had come in. He venThe fat boy looked from the pie-dish to the steak, tured once to whisper "Waiter!" through the keyas if he thought a favor must be in a manner con- hole; but as the probability of the wrong waiter nected with something to eat; and then took out coming to his relief flashed upon his mind, together one of the half-crowns and glanced at it nervously. with a sense of the strong resemblance between his " Don't you understand me?" said Mary, looking own situation and that in which another gentleman slyly in his fat face. had been recently found in a neighboring hotel (an Again he looked at the half-crown, and said faint- account of whose misfortunes had appeared under ly, " No." the head of " Police " in that morning's paper),he sat " The ladies want you not to say any thing to the himself on a portmanteau, and trembled violently. old gentleman about the young gentleman having " We won't wait a minute for Perker," said Warbeen up stairs; and I want you too." die, looking at his watch; " he is always exact. He "Is that all?" said the fat boy, evidently very will be here in time, if he means to come; and if he much relieved as he pocketed the half-crown again. does not, it's of no use waiting. Ha! Arabella!" "Of course I ain't agoing to." "My sister!" exclaimed Mr. Benjamin Allen, fold"You see," said Mary, " Mr. Snodgrass is very fond ing her in a most romantic embrace. of Miss Emily, and Miss Emily's very fond of him, "Oh, Ben, dear, how you do smell of tobacco," said and if you were to tell about it, the old gentleman Arabella, rather overcome by this mark of affection. would carry you all away miles into the country, "Do I?" said Mr. Benjamin Allen. "Do I, Bella? where you'd see nobody." Well, perhaps I do." 316 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Perhaps he did; having just left a pleasant little that gentleman had seen a vast deal of the disease smoking-party of twelve medical students, in a small in question, Wardle was confirmed in an impression back parlor with a large tire. which had been hovering about his mind for half an " But I am delighted to see you," said Mr. Ben Al- hour, and at once arrived at the conclusion that the len. " Bless you, Bella!" fat boy was drunk. "There," said Arabella, bending forward to kiss "Just keep your eye upon him for a few minutes," her brother; " don't take hold of me again, Ben dear, murmured Wardle. " We shall soon find out whether because you tumble me so." he is or not." At this point of the reconciliation, Mr. Ben Allen The unfortunate youth had only interchanged a allowed his feelings and the cigars and porter to dozen words with Mr. Snodgrass: that gentleman overcome him, and looked round upon the beholders having implored him to make a private appeal to with damp spectacles. some friend to release him, and then pushed him out " Is nothing to be said to me?" cried Wardle, with with the snuff-box, lest his prolonged absence should open arms. lead to a discovery. He ruminated a little with a " A great deal," whispered Arabella, as she received most disturbed expression of face, and left the room the old gentleman's hearty caress and congratula- in search of Mary. tion. "You are a hard - hearted, unfeeling, cruel But Mary had gone home after dressing her mismonster!" tress, and the fat boy came back again more dis"You are a little rebel," replied Wardle, in the turbed than before. same tone, " and I am afraid I shall be obliged to for- Wardle and Mr. Ben Allen exchanged glances. bid you the house. People like you, who get mar- "Joe!" said Wardle. ried in spite of every body, ought not to be let loose "Yes, sir." on society. But come!" added the old gentleman "What did you go away for I" aloud," here's the dinner; you shall sit by me. Joe; The fat boy looked hopelessly in the face of every why, damn the boy, he's awake!" body at table, and stammered out, that he didn't To the great distress of his master, the fat boy was know. indeed in a state of remarkable vigilance; his eyes " Oh," said Wardle, "you don't know, eh? Take being wide open, and looking as if they intended to this cheese to Mr. Pickwick." remain so. There was an alacrity in his manner, Now, Mr. Pickwick being in the very best health too, which was equally unaccountable; every time and spirits, had been making himself perfectly dehis eyes met those of Emily or Arabella, he smirked lightful all dinner-time, and was at this moment enand grinned;- once, Wardle could have sworn he saw gaged in an energetic conversation with Emily and him wink. Mr. Winkle: bowing his head courteously, in the emThis alteration in the fat boy's demeanor originated phasis of his discourse, gently waving his left hand in his increased sense of his own importance, and the to lend force to his observations, and all glowing dignity he acquired from having been taken into the with placid smiles. He took a piece of cheese from confidence of the young ladies; and the smirks, and the plate, and was on the point of turning round to grins, and winks, were so many condescending assur- renew the conversation, when the fat boy, stooping ances that they might depend upon his fidelity. As so as to bring his head on a level with that of Mr. these tokens were' rather calculated to awaken sus- Pickwick, pointed with his thumb over his shoulder, picion than allay it, and were somewhat embarrass- and made the most horrible and hideous face that ing besides, they were occasionally answered by a was ever seen out of a Christmas pantomime. frown or shake of the head from Arabella, which the "Dear me!" said Mr. Pickwick, starting, " what a fat boy considering as hints to be on his guard, ex- very-eh?" He stopped, for the fat boy had drawn pressed his perfect understanding of, by smirking, himself up, and was, or pretended to be, fast asleep. grinning, and winking, with redoubled assiduity. "What's the matter?" inquired Wardle. "LJoe," said Mr. Wardle, after an unsuccessful "This is such an extremely singular lad!" replied search in all his pockets, " is my snuff-box on the Mr. Pickwick, looking uneasily at the boy. "It sofa?" seems an odd thing to say, but upon my word I am "No, sir," replied the fat boy. afraid that at times he is a little deranged." "Oh, I recollect; I left it on my dressing-table "Oh! Mr. Pickwick, pray don't say so," cried Emithis morning," said Wardle. "Run into the next ly and Arabella, both at once. room and fetch it." "I am not certain, of course," said Mr. Pickwick, The fat boy went into the next room; and having amidst profound silence, and looks of general disbeen absent about a minute, returned with the snuff- may; "but his manner to me this moment was rebox, and the palest face that ever a fat boy wore. ally very alarming. Oh!" ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, "What's the matter with the boy!" exclaimed suddenly jumping up with a short scream. "I beg Wardle. your pardon, ladies, but at that moment he ran some "Nothin's the matter with me," replied Joe, nerv- sharp instrument into my leg. Really, he is not ously. safe." Have you been seeing any spirits?" inquired the "He's drunk," roared old Wardle, passionately. old gentleman. "Ring the bell! Call the waiters! He's drunk." "Or taking any?" added Ben Allen. "I ain't," said the fat boy, falling on his knees as "I think you're right," whispered Wardle across his master seized him by the collar. " I ain't drunk." the table. " He is intoxicated, I'm sure." "Then you're mad; that's worse. Call the waitBen Alien replied that he thought he was; and as ers," said the old gentleman. WILL OF THE LATE MRS. WELLER. 317 "I ain't mad; I'm sensible," rejoined the fat boy, "what is the use of asking all that now, especially beginning to cry. when you know you had set your covetous old heart "Then what the devil do you run sharp instru- on a richer son-in-law, and are so wild and fierce ments into Mr. Pickwick's legs for?" inquired War- besides, that every body is afraid of you except me. die, angrily. Shake hands with him, and order him some dinner, " He wouldn't look at me," replied the boy. "I for goodness gracious' sake, for he looks half-starved; wanted to speak to him." and pray have your wine up at once, for you'll not " What did you want to say?" asked half a dozen be tolerable until you have taken two bottles at voices at once. least." The fat boy gasped, looked at the bedroom door, The worthy old gentleman pulled Arabella's ear, gasped again, and wiped two tears away with the kissed her without the smallest scruple, kissed his knuckle of each of his forefingers. daughter also with great affection, and shook Mr. " What did you want to say?" demanded Wardle, Snodgrass warmly by the hand. shaking him. "She is right on one point, at all events," said the " Stop!" said Mr. Pickwick; " allow me. What old gentleman, cheerfully. " Ring for the wine!" did you wish to communicate to me, my poor boy?" The wine came, and Perker came up stairs at the " I want to whisper to you," replied the fat boy. same moment. Mr. Snodgrass had dinner at a side " You want to bite his ear off, I suppose," said table, and when he had dispatched it, drew his chair Wardle. " Don't come near him; he's vicious; ring next Emily, without the smallest opposition on the the bell, and let him be taken down stairs." old gentleman's part. Just as Mr. Winkle caught the bell-rope in his The evening was excellent. Little Mr. Perker hand, it was arrested by a general expression of came out wonderfully, told various comic stories, astonishment; the captive lover, his face burning and sang a serious song which was almost as funny with confusion, suddenly walked in from the bed- as the anecdotes. Arabella was very charming, Mr. room, and made a comprehensive bow to the com- Wardle very jovial, Mr. Pickwick very harmonious, pany. Mr. Ben Allen very uproarious, the lovers very si"Halloo!" cried Wardle, releasing the fat boy's lent, Mr. Winkle very talkative, and all of them very collar, and staggering back. "What's this!" happy. " I have been concealed in the next room, sir, sinceyou returned," explained Mr. Snodgrass. "Emily, my girl," said Wardle, reproachfully, "I CHAPTER LV. detest meanness and deceit; this is unjustifiable and indelicate in the highest degree. I don't deserve MR SOLOMON PELL, ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITthis at your hands, Emily, indeed!" TEE OF COACHMEN, ARRANGES THE AFFAIRS OF "Dear papa," said Emily, "Arabella knows-every THE ELDER MR. WELLER. body here knows-Joe knows-that I was no party " AMIVEL," said Mr. Weller, accosting his son on to this concealment. Augustus, for Heaven's sake, the morning after the funeral, " I've found it, explain it!" Sammy. I thought it wos there." Mr. Snodgrass, who had only waited for a hearing, "Thought wot wos vere?" inquired Sam. at once recounted how he had been placed in his "Your mother-in-law's vill, Sammy," replied Mr. then distressing predicament; how the fear of giv- Weller. "In wirtue o' vich, them arrangements is ing rise to domestic dissensions had alone prompted to be made as I told you on last night, respectin' him to avoid Mr. Wardle on his entrance; how he the funs." merely meant to depart by another door, but, finding "Wot, didn't she tell you were it wos?" inquired it locked, had been compelled to stay against his Sam. will. It was a painful situation to be placed in; "Not a bit on it, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller. but he now regretted it the less, inasmuch as it af- "We wos a-adjestin' our little differences, and I woa forded him an opportunity of acknowledging, before a-cheerin' her spirits and bearin' her up, so that I their mutual friends, that he loved Mr. Wardle's forgot to ask any thin' about it. I don't know as I daughter deeply and sincerely; that he was proud should ha' done it indeed, if I had remembered it," to avow that the feeling was mutual; and that if added Mr. Weller, " for it's a rum sort o' thing, Samthousands of miles were placed between them, or my, to go a-hankerin' arter any body's property, ven oceans rolled their waters, he could never for an in- you're assistin''em in illness. It's like helping an stant forget those happy days when first-and so on. outside passenger up, ven he's been pitched off a Having delivered himself to this effect, Mr. Snod- coach, and puttin' your hand in his pocket, vile you grass bowed again, looked into the crown of his hat, ask him vith a sigh how he finds hisself, Sammy." and stepped toward the door. With this figurative illustration of his meaning, "Stop!" shouted Wardle. "Why, in the name of Mr. Weller unclasped his pocket-book, and drew all that's-" forth a dirty sheet of letter-paper, on which were in"Inflammable," mildly suggested Mr. Pickwick, scribed various characters crowded together in rewho thought something worse was coming. markable confusion. "Well-that's inflammable," said Wardle, adopt- " This here is the dockyment, Sammy," said Mr. ing the substitute; " couldn't you say all this to me Weller. "I found' it in the little black tea-pot on in the first instance?" the top shelf o' the bar closet. She used to keep "Or confide in me?" added Mr. Pickwick. bank-notes there afore she vos married, Samivel. "Dear, dear," said Arabella, taking up the defense, I've seen her take the lid off, to pay a bill, many and 318 THE PICKWICK CLUB. many a time. Poor creetur, she might ha' filled all the result of many years' personal experience and the tea-pots in the house vith vills, and not have observation-he contrived, by a dexterous twist of inconwenienced herself neither, for she took wery his body, to get the bottom button of his coat to little of any thin' in that vay lately,'cept on the perform its office. Having paused a few seconds to Temperance nights, ven they just laid a foundation recover breath, he brushed his hat with his elbow, o' tea to put the spirits atop on!" and declared himself ready. "What does it say?" inquired Sam. "As four heads is better than two, Sammy," said "Jist vot I told you, my boy," rejoined his parent. Mr. Weller, as they drove along the London Road in "Two hundred pound vurth o' reduced counsels to the chaise-cart, " and as all this here property is a my son-in-law, Samivel, and all the rest o' my prop- wery great temptation to a legal gen'l'm'n, ve'll take erty, of ev'ry kind and description votsoever, to my a couple o' friends o' mine vith us, as'll be wery soon husband, Mr. Tony Veller, who I appint as my sole down upon him if he comes any thin' irreg'lar; two eggzekiter." o' them as saw you to the Fleet that day. They're " That's all, is it?" said Sam. the wery best judges," added Mr. Weller in a half"That's all," replied Mr. Weller. "And I s'pose whisper, " the wery best judges of a horse you ever as it's all right and satisfactory to you and me as is know'd." the only parties interested, ve may as veil put this "And of a lawyer too?" inquired Sam. bit o' paper into the fire." "The man as can form a ackerate judgment of a " Wot are you a-doin' on, you lunatic?" said Sam, animal, can form a ackerate judgment of any thin'," snatching the paper away, as his parent, in all in- replied his father; so dogmatically, that Sam did not nocence, stirred the fire preparatory to suiting the attempt to controvert the position. action to the word. " You're a nice eggzekiter, you In pursuance of this notable resolution, the servare." ices of the mottle-faced gentleman and of two oth"Vy not?" inquired Mr. Weller, looking sternly er very fat coachmen-selected by Mr. Weller, probround, with the poker in his hand. ably, with a view to their width and consequent "Vy not!" exclaimed Sam. "'Cos it must be wisdom-were put into requisition; and this assistproved, and probated, and swore to, and all manner ance having been secured, the party proceeded to o' formalities." the public-house in Portugal Street, whence a mes" You don't mean that?" said Mr. Weller, laying senger was dispatched to the Insolvent Court over down the poker. the way, requiring Mr. Solomon Pell's immediate atSam buttoned the will carefully in a side pocket; teadance. intimating by a look, meanwhile, that he did mean The messenger fortunately found Mr. Solomon it, and very seriously too. Pell in court, regaling himself, business being rather " Then I'll tell you wot it is," said Mr. Weller, after slack, with the cold collation of an Abernethy bisa short meditation, "this is a case for that'ere con- cuit and a saveloy. The message was no sooner fidential pal o' the Chancellorship's. Pell must look whispered in his ear than he thrust them in his into this, Sammy. He's the man for a difficult ques- pocket among various professional documents, and tion at law. Ve'll have this here brought afore the hurried over the way with such alacrity, that he Solvent Court directly, Samivel." reached the parlor before the messenger had even " I never did see such a addle-headed old creetur!" emancipated himself from the court. exclaimed Sam, irritably, " Old Baileys, and Solvent " Gentlemen," said Mr. Pell, touching his hat, " my Courts, and alleybis, and ev'ry species o' gammon service to you all. I don't say it to flatter you, genalvays a-runnin' through his brain! You'd better tlemen, but there are not five other men in the world get your out-o'-door clothes on, and come to town that I'd have come out of that court for to-day." about this bisness, than stand a-preachin' there about "So busy, eh?" said Sam. wot you don't understand nothin' on." "Busy!" replied Pell; "I'm completely sewn up, "Wery good, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller, "I'm as my friend the late Lord Chancellor many a time quite agreeable to any thin' as vill hexpedite busi- used to say to me, gentlemen, when he came out ness, Sammy, But mind this here, my boy, nobody from hearing appeals in the House of Lords. Poor but Pell-nobody but Pell as a legal adwiser." fellow! he was very susceptible of fatigue; he used " I don't want any body else," replied Sam. " Now, to feel those appeals uncommonly. I actually thought are you a-comin'?" more than once that he'd have sunk under'em; I "Vait a minit, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller, who, did indeed." having tied his shawl with the aid of a small glass Here Mr. Pell shook his head and paused; on which that hung in the window, was now, by dint of the the elder Mr. Weller, nudging his neighbor, as begmost wonderful exertions, struggling into his upper ging him to mark the attorney's high connections, garments. "Vait a minit, Sammy; ven you grow asked whether the duties in question produced any as old as your father, you von't get into your veskit permanent ill effects on the constitution of his noble quite as easy as you do now, my boy." friend. " If I couldn't get into it easier than that, I'm "I don't think he ever quite recovered them," reblessed if I'd vear vun at all," rejoined his son. plied Pell; "in fact I'm sure he never did.'Pell,' "You think so now," said Mr. Weller, with the he used to say to me many a time,'how the blazes gravity of age," but you'll find that as you get vider, you can stand the head-work you do, is a mystery to you'll get viser. Vidth and visdom, Sammy, alvays me.'-' Well,' I used to answer,'I hardly know how grows together." I do it, upon my life.'-' Pell,' he'd add, sighing, and As Mr. Weller delivered this infallible maxim- looking at me with a little envy-friendly envy, you FURTHER GLIMPSES OF MR. PELL. 319 know, gentlemen, mere friendly envy; I never mind- "Veil," said Mr. Weller, who had grown rather ed it-' Pell, you're a wonder; a wonder.' Ah! you'd restless during this discussion, " vith regard to bis'have liked him very much, if you had known him, ness." gentlemen. Bring me three penn'orth of rum, my The word was music to Pell's ears. He had been dear." revolving in his mind whether any business was to Addressing this latter remark to the waitress in a be transacted, or whether he had been merely invited tone of subdued grief, Mr. Pell sighed, looked at his to partake of a glass of brandy-and-water, or a bowl shoes, and the ceiling; and, the rum having by that of punch, or any similar professional compliment, and time arrived, drunk it up. now the doubt was set at rest without his appear"However," said Pell, drawing a chair to the ta- ing at all eager for its solution. His eyes glistened ble, " a professional man has no right to think of his as he laid his hat on the table, and said, private friendships when his legal assistance is want- "What is the business upon which-um? Either ed. By-the-bye, gentlemen, since I saw you here be- of these gentlemen wish to go through the court? fore, we have had to weep over a very melancholy We require an arrest; a friendly arrest will do, you occurrence." know; we are all friends here, I suppose?" Mr. Pell drew out a pocket-handkerchief when he " Give me the dockyment, Sammy," said Mr. Welcame to the word weep, but he made no further use ler, taking the will from his son, who appeared to of it than to wipe away a slight tinge of rum which enjoy the interview amazingly. "Wot we rekvire, hung upon his upper-lip. sir, is a probe o' this here." " I saw it in the Advertiser, Mr. Weller," continued "Probate, my dear sir, probate," said Pell. Pell. "Bless my soul, not more than fifty-two! "Well, sir," replied Mr. Weller, sharply, "probe Dear me-only think." and probe it, is wery much the same; if you don't These indications of a musing spirit were addressed understand wot I mean, sir, I dare say I can find them to the mottle-faced man, whose eyes Mr. Pell had ac- as does." cidentally caught; on which, the mottle-faced man, " No offense, I hope, Mr. Weller," said Pell, meekly. whose apprehension of matters in general was of a "You are the executor, I see," he added, casting his foggy nature, moved uneasily in his seat, and opined eyes over the paper. that indeed, so far as that went, there was no saying " I am, sir," replied Mr. Weller. how things was brought about; which observation, "These other gentlemen, I presume, are legatees, involving one of those subtle propositions which it are they?" inquired Pell, with a congratulatory smile. is difficult to encounter in argument, was controvert- "Sammy is a leg-at-ease," replied Mr. Weller; ed by nobody. " these other gen'l'm'n is friends o' mine, just come "I have heard it remarked that she was a very to see fair; a kind of umpires." fine woman, Mr. Weller," said Pell, in a sympathiz- "Oh!" said Pell, "very good. I have no objecing manner. tions, I'm sure. I shall want a matter of five pound " Yes, sir, she wos," replied the elder Mr. Weller, of you before I begin-ha! ha! ha!" not much relishing this mode of discussing the sub- It being decided by the committee that the five ject, and yet thinking that the attorney, from his pound might be advanced, Mr. Weller produced that long intimacy with the late Lord Chancellor, must sum; after which, a long consultation about nothing know best on all matters of polite breeding. " She particular took place, in the course whereof Mr. Pell wos a wery fine'ooman, sir, ven I first know'd her. demonstrated to the perfect satisfaction of the genShe wos a widder, sir, at that time." tlemen who saw fair, that unless the management "Now, it's curious," said Pell, looking round with of the business had been intrusted to him, it must a sorrowful smile; " Mrs. Pell was a widow." all have gone wrong, for reasons not clearly made "That's very extraordinary," said the mottle- out, but no doubt sufficient. This important point faced man. being dispatched, Mr. Pell refreshed himself with "Well, it is a curious coincidence," said Pell. three chops, and liquids both malt and spirituous, at "Not at all," gruffly remarked the elder Mr. Wel- the expense of the estate; and then they all went ler. " More widders is married than single wimin." away to Doctors' Commons. "Very good, very good," said Pell, "you're quite The next day there was another visit to Doctors' right, Mr. Weller. Mrs. Pell was a very elegant and Commons, and a great to do with an attesting hostaccomplished woman; her manners were the theme ler, who, being inebriated, declined swearing any of universal admiration in our neighborhood. I was thing but profane oaths, to the great scandal of a proud to see that woman dance; there was some- proctor and surrogate. Next week there were more thing so firm and dignified, and yet natural, in her visits to Doctors' Commons, and there was a visit to motion. Her cutting, gentlemen, was simplicity it- the Legacy Duty Office besides, and there were treatself. Ah! well, well! Excuse my asking the ques- ies entered into, for the disposal of the lease and busition, Mr. Samuel," continued the attorney, in a lower ness, and ratifications of the same, and inventories voice, " was your mother-in-law tall?" to be made out, and lunches to be taken, and dinners " Not wery," replied Sam. to be eaten, and so many profitable things to be done, "Mrs. Pell was a tall figure," said Pell, "a splendid and such a mass of papers accumulated, that Mr. Solwoman, with a noble shape, and a nose, gentlemen, omon Pell, and the boy, and the blue bag to boot, formed to command and be majestic. She was very all got so stout that scarcely any body would have much attached to me-very much-highly connect- known them for the same man, boy, and bag, that ed, too. Her mother's brother, gentlemen, failed for had loitered about Portugal Street, a few days beeight hundred pounds, as a Law Stationer." fore. 320 THE PICKWICK CLUB. At length all these weighty matters being ar- his tumbler to his lips. In one instant the mottleranged, a day was fixed for selling out and transfer- faced gentleman depressed his hand again, and evring the stock, and of waiting with that view upon ery glass was set down empty. It is impossible to Wilkins Flasher, Esq., stock-broker, of somewhere describe the thrilling effect produced by this striknear the Bank, who had been recommended by Mr. ing ceremony. At once dignified, solemn, and imSolomon Pell for the purpose. pressive, it combined every element of grandeur. It was a kind of festive occasion, and the parties "Well, gentlemen," said Mr. Pell, " all I can say is, were attired accordingly. Mr. Weller's tops were that such marks of confidence must be very gratifynewly cleaned, and his dress was arranged with pe- ing to a professional man. I don't wish to say any culiar care; the mottle-faced gentleman wore at his thing that might appear egotistical, gentlemen, but button-hole a full-sized dahlia with several leaves; I'm very glad, for your own sakes, that you came to and the coats of his two friends were adorned with me: that's all. If you had gone to any low member nosegays of laurel and other evergreens. All three of the profession, it's my firm conviction, and I aswere habited in strict holiday costume; that is to sure you of it as a fact, that you would have found say, they were wrapped up to the chins, and wore as yourselves in Queer Street before this. I could have many clothes as possible, which is, and has been, a wished my noble friend had been alive to have seen stage-coachman's idea of full dress ever since stage- my management of this case. I don't say it out of coaches were invented. pride, but I think —however, gentlemen, I won't Mr. Pell was waiting at the usual place of meeting trouble you with that. I'm generally to be found at the appointed time; even Mr. Pell wore a pair of here, gentlemen, but if I'm not here, or over the way, gloves, and a clean shirt much frayed at the collar that's my address. You'll find my terms very cheap and wristbands by frequent washings. and reasonable, and no man attends more to his "A quarter to two," said Pell, looking at the par- clients than I do, and I hope I know a little of my lor clock. " If we are with Mr. Flasher at a quarter profession besides. If you have any opportunity of past, we shall just hit the best time." recommending me to any of your friends, gentlemen, " What should you say to a drop o' beer, gen'l'm'n?" I shall be very much obliged to you, and so will they suggested the mottle-faced man. too, when they come to know me. Your healths, "And a little bit o' cold beef," said the second gentlemen." coachman. With this expression of his feelings, Mr. Solomon "Or a oyster," added the third, who was a hoarse Pell laid three small written cards before Mr. Welgentleman, supported by very round legs. lea's friends, and, looking at the clock again, feared "Hear, hear!" said Pell; "to congratulate Mr. it was time to be walking. Upon this hint, Mr. WelWeller, on his coming into possession of his proper- ler settled the bill, and, issuing forth, the executor, ty: eh? ha! ha!" legatee, attorney, and umpires, directed their steps "I'm quite agreeable, gen'l'm'n," answered Mr. toward the City. Weller. " Sammy, pull the bell." The office of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, of the Stock Sam complied; and the porter, cold beef, and oys- Exchange, was in a first-floor up a court behind the ters being promptly produced, the lunch was done Bank of England; the house of Wilkins Flasher, ample justice to. Where every body took so active Esquire, was at Brixton, Surrey; the horse and stana part, it is almost invidious to make a distinction; hope of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, were at an adjabut if one individual evinced greater powers than cent livery-stable; the groom of Wilkins Flasher, another, it was the coachman with the hoarse voice, Esquire, was on his way to the West End to deliver who took an imperial pint of vinegar with his oys- some game; the clerk of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, ters, without betraying the least emotion. had gone to his dinner; and so Wilkins Flasher, Es" Mr. Pell, sir," said the elder Mr. Weller, stirring a quire, himself cried, "Come in," when Mr. Pell and glass of brandy-and-water, of which one was placed his companions knocked at the counting-house door. before every gentleman when the oyster-shells were " Good-morning, sir," said Pell, bowing obsequiousremoved; "Mr. Pell, sir, it wos my intention to have ly. "We want to make a little transfer, if you proposed the funs on this occasion, but Samivel has please." vispered to me-" "Oh, come in, will you?" said Mr. Flasher. " Sit Here Mr. Samuel Weller, who had silently eaten down a minute; I'll attend to you directly." his oysters with tranquil smiles, cried "Hear!" in a "Thank you, sir," said Pell, "there's no hurry. very loud voice. Take a chair, Mr. Weller." "-Has vispered to me," resumed his father, " that "Mr. Weller took a chair, and Sam took a box, and it vould be better to dewote the liquor to vishin' you the umpires took what they could get, and looked at success and prosperity, and thankin' you for the the almanac and one or two papers which were wamanner in which you've brought this here business fered against the wall, with as much open-eyed revthrough. Here's your health, sir." erence as if they had been the finest efforts of the "Hold hard there," interposed the mottle-faced old masters. gentleman, with sudden energy, " your eyes on me, "Well, I'll bet you half a dozen of claret on it; gen'l'm'n!" come!" said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, resuming the Saying this, the mottle-faced, gentleman rose, as conversation to which Mr. Pell's entrance had caused did the other gentlemen. The mottle-faced gentle- a momentary interruption. man reviewed the company, and slowly lifted his This was addressed to a very smart young gentlehand, upon which every man (including him of the man who wore his hat on his right whisker, and was mottled countenance) drew a long breath, and lifted lounging over the desk, killing flies with a ruler. ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE. 321 Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was balancing himself on receive Mr. Solomon Pell's instructions, and having two legs of an office-stool, spearing a wafer-box with filled up some printed forms, requested the party to a pen-knife, which he dropped every now and then follow him to the Bank, which they did; Mr. Weller with great dexterity into the very centre of a small and his three friends staring at all they beheld in red wafer that was stuck outside. Both gentlemen unbounded astonishment, and Sam encountering evhad very open waistcoats and very rolling collars, ery thing with a coolness which nothing could disand very small boots, and very big rings, and very turb. little watches, and very large guard-chains, and sym- Crossing a court-yard which was all noise and metrical inexpressibles, and scented pocket-handker- bustle; and passing a couple of porters who seemed chiefs. dressed to match the red fire-engine which was "I never bet half a dozen," said the other gentle- wheeled away into a corner; they passed into an man. "I'll take a dozen." office where their business was to be transacted, and "Done, Simmery, done!" said Wilkins Flasher, where Pell and Mr. Flasher left them standing for a Esquire. few moments, while they went up stairs into the Will "P. P., mind," observed the other. Office. "Of course," replied Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. "Wot place is this here " whispered the mottleWilkins Flasher, Esquire, entered it in a little book, faced gentleman to the elder Mr. Weller. with a gold pencil-case, and the other gentleman en- " Counsel's Office," replied the executor, in a whistered it also, in another little book with another per. gold pencil-case. "Wot are them gen'l'm'n a-settin' behind the " I see there's a notice up this morning about Bof- counters?" asked the hoarse coachman. fer," observed Mr. Simmery. "Poor devil, he's ex- "Reduced counsels, I s'pose," replied Mr. Weller. pelled the house!" "Ain't they reduced counsels, Samivel?' " I'll bet you ten guineas to five, he cuts his throat," "Wy, you don't suppose the reduced counsels is said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. alive, do you?" inquired Sam, with some disdain. "Done," replied Mr. Simmery. "How should I know?" retorted Mr. Weller; " I "Stop! I bar," said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, thought they looked wery like it. Wot are they, thoughtfully. "Perhaps he may hang himself." then?" "Very good," rejoined Mr. Simmery, pulling out "Clerks," replied Sam. the gold pencil-case again. "I've no objection to "Wot are they all a-eatin' ham sangwidges for?" take you that way. Say, makes away with himself." inquired his father. "Kills himself, in fact," said Wilkins Flasher, "'Cos it's in their dooty, I suppose," replied Sam, Esquire. "it's a part o' the system; they're alvays a-doin' it "Just so," replied Mr. Simmery, putting it down. here, all day long!" "'Flasher-ten guineas to five, Boffer kills himself.' Mr. Weller and his friends had scarcely had a moWithin what time shall we say?" ment to reflect upon this singular regulation as con"A fortnight?" suggested Wilkins Flasher, Es- nected with the monetary system of the country, quire. when they were rejoined by Pell and Wilkins Flash"Con-found it, no," rejoined Mr. Simmery, stop- er, Esquire, who led them to a part of the counter ping for an instant to smash a fly with the ruler. above which was a round black board with a large "Say a week." "W." on it. "Split the difference," said Wilkins Flasher, Es- "Wot's that for, sir?" inquired Mr. Weller, directquire. "Make it ten days." ing Pell's attention to the target in question. "Well; ten days," rejoined Mr. Simmery. "The first letter of the name of the deceased," So, it was entered down in the little books that replied Pell. Boffer was to kill himself within ten days, or Wilkins "I say," said Mr. Weller, turning round to the Flasher, Esquire, was to hand over to -Frank Sim- umpires. "There's somethin' wrong here. We's our mery, Esquire, the sum of ten guineas; and that if letter-this won't do." Boffer did kill himself within that time, Frank Sim- The referees at once gave it as their decided opinmery, Esquire, would pay to Wilkins Flasher, Es- ion that the business could not be legally proceeded quire, five guineas instead. with under the letter W, and in all probability it " I'm very sorry he has failed," said Wilkins Flash- would have stood over for one day at least, had it er, Esquire. "Capital dinners he gave." not been for the prompt, though, at first sight, un"Fine port he had too," remarked Mr. Simmery. dutiful behavior of Sam, who, seizing his father by "We are going to send our butler to the sale to- the skirt of the coat; dragged him to the counter, and morrow, to pick up some of that sixty-four." pinned him there, until he had affixed his signature "The devil you are," said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. to a couple of instruments; which, from Mr. Weller's "My man's going too. Five guineas my man out- habit of printing, was a work of so much labor and bids your man." time, that the officiating clerk peeled and ate three "Done." Ripstone pippins while it was performing. Another entry was made in the little books with As the elder Mr. Weller insisted on selling out his the gold pencil-cases; and Mr. Simmery having by portion forthwith, they proceeded from the Bank to this time killed all the flies and taken all the bets, the gate of the Stock Exchange, to which Wilkins strolled away to the Stock Exchange to see what Flasher, Esquire, after a short absence, returned with was going forward. a check on Smith, Payne, and Smith, for five hundred Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, now condescended to and thirty pounds; that being the sum of money to 21 322 THE PICKWICK CLUB. which Mr. Weller, at the market-price of the day, municated this last intelligence with more warmth was entitled, in consideration of the balance of the than seemed actually necessary, or she might have second Mrs. Weller's funded savings. Sam's two observed the good-humored smile with which Mr. hundred pounds stood transferred to his name, and Pickwick regarded her, when she had finished speakWilkins Flasher, Esquire, having been paid his com- ing. She certainly held down her head, and exammission, dropped the money carelessly into his coat- ined the corner of a very smart little apron, with pocket, and lounged back to his office. more closeness than there appeared any absolute ocMr. Weller was at first obstinately determined on casion for. cashing the check in nothing but sovereigns; but it "Tell them they can come up at once, by all being represented by the umpires that by so doing means," said Mr. Pickwick. he must incur the expense of a small sack to carry Mary, apparently much relieved, hurried away them home in, he consented to receive the amount in with her message. five-pound notes. Mr. Pickwick took two or three turns up and "My son," said Mr. Weller, as they came out of down the room; and rubbing his chin with his left the banking-house, "my son and me has a very par- hand as he did so, appeared lost in thought. ticular engagement this arternoon, and I should like "Well, well," said Mr. Pickwick at length, in a to have this here bis'ness settled out of hand, so let's kind but somewhat melancholy tone, " it is the best jest go straight avay someveres, vere ve can hordit way in which I could reward him for his attachment the accounts." and fidelity; let it be so, in Heaven's name. It is A quiet room was soon found, and the accounts the fate of a lonely old man, that those about him were produced and audited. Mr. Pell's bill was tax- should form new and different attachments, and leave ed by Sam, and some charges were disallowed by him. I have no right to expect that it should be the umpires; but, notwithstanding Mr. Pell's decla- otherwise with me. No, no," added Mr. Pickwick, ration, accompanied with many solemn asseverations more cheerfully, "it would be selfish and ungrateful. that they were really too hard upon him, it was by I ought to be happy to have an opportunity of provery many degrees the best professional job he had viding for him so well. I am. Of course I am." ever had, and one on which he boarded, lodged, and Mr. Pickwick had been so absorbed in these rewashed, for six months afterward. fiections, that a' knock at the door was three or four The umpires having partaken of a dram, shook times repeated before he heard it. Hastily seating hands and departed, as they had to drive out of town himself, and calling up his accustomed pleasant that night. Mr. Solomon Pell, finding that nothing looks, he gave the required permission, and Sam more was going forward, either in the eating or Weller entered, followed by his father. drinking way, took a friendly leave, and Sam and " Glad to see you back again, Sam," said Mr. Pickhis father were left alone. wick. " how do you do, Mr. Weller." " There!" said Mr. Weller, thrusting his pocket- " Wery hearty, thankee, sir," replied the widower; book in his side pocket. "Vith the bills for the "hope I see you well, sir." lease and that, there's eleven hundred and eighty "Quite, I thank you," replied Mr. Pickwick. pound here. Now, Samivel, my boy, turn the horses' "I wanted to have a little bit of conversation heads to the George and Wulter!" with you, sir," said Mr. Weller, " if you could spare me five minits or so, sir." " —- t —-~ ~ "Certainly," replied Mr. Pickwick. " Sam, give your father a chair." CHAPTER LVI. "Thankee, Samivel, I've got a cheer here," said Mr. Weller, bringing one forward as he spoke; "unAN IMPORTANT CONFERENCE TAKES PLACE BETWEEN common e day it's been, sir," added the old gencommon fine day it's been, sir," added the old genMR. PICKWICK AND SAMUEL WELLER, AT WHICH M. PI C AT SAMUEL WELLER, AT HH tleman, laying his hat on the floor as he sat himself HIS PARENT ASSISTS. AN OLD GENTLEMAN IN A down. SNUEFF-COLORED SUIT ARRIVES UNEXPECTEDLY. "Remarkably so, indeed," replied Mr. Pickwick. M R. PICKWICK was sitting alone, musing over "Very seasonable." many things, and thinking, among other con- "Seasonablest veather I ever see, sir," rejoined siderations, how he could best provide for the young Mr. Weller. Here, the old gentleman was seized couple whose present unsettled condition was matter with a violent fit of coughing, which, being termiof constant regret and anxiety to him, when Mary nated, he nodded his head and winked and made stepped lightly into the room, and, advancing to the several supplicatory and threatening gestures to his table, said, rather hastily, son, all of which Sam Weller steadily abstained from " Oh, if you please, sir, Samuel is down stairs, and seeing. he says may his father see you?" Mr. Pickwick, perceiving that there was some em"Surely," replied Mr. Pickwick. barrassment on the old gentleman's part, affected to "Thank you, sir," said Mary, tripping toward the be engaged in cutting the leaves of a book that lay door again. beside him, and waited patiently until Mr. Weller " Sam has not been here long, has he?" inquired should arrive at the object of his visit. Mr. Pickwick. "I never see sich a aggerawatin' boy as you are, "Oh no, sir," replied Mary, eagerly. " He has only Samivel," said Mr. Weller, looking indignantly at his just come home. He is not going to ask you for any son; "never in all my born days." more leave, sir, he says." "What is he doing, Mr. Weller?" inquired Mr. Mary might have been conscious that she had com- Pickwick. MR. TONY WELLER'S PROPERTY. 323 "He von't begin, sir," rejoined Mr. Weller; "he "-To say this here," said the elder Mr. Weller, knows I ain't ekal to ex-pressin' myself ven there's impatiently, "that it ain't o' no use to me. I'm any thin' partickler to be done, and yet he'll stand agoin' to vork a coach reg'lar, and ha'nt got noveres and see me a-settin' here takin' up your walable to keep it in, unless I vos to pay the guard for takin' time, and makin' a reg'lar spectacle o' myself, ray- care on it, or to put it in vun o' the coach-pockets, ther than help me out vith a syllable. It ain't filial vich'ud be a temptation to the insides. If you'll conduct, Samivel," said Mr. Weller, wiping his fore- take care on it for me, sir, I shall be wery much head; "wery far from it." obliged to you. P'raps," said Mr. Weller, walking "You said you'd speak," replied Sam; "how up to Mr. Pickwick and whispering in his ear, " p'raps should I know you wos done up at the wery begin- it'll go a little vay toward the expenses o' that'ere nin'?" conwiction. All I say is, just you keep it till I ask "You might ha' seen I warn't able to start," re- you for it again." With these words, Mr. Weller joined his father; "I'm on the wrong side of the placed the pocket-book in Mr. Pickwick's hands, road, and backin' into the palins, and all manner of caught up his hat, and ran out of the room with a unpleasantness, and yet you von't put out a hand to celerity scarcely to be expected from so corpulent a help me. I'm ashamed on you, Samivel." subject. "The fact is, sir," said Sam, with a slight bow, " Stop him, Sam!" exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, ear" the gov'nor's been a-drawin' his money." nestly. "Overtake him; bring him back instantly! " Wery good, Samivel, wery good," said Mr. Wel- Mr. Weller-here-come back!" ler, nodding his head with a satisfied air, "I didn't Sam saw that his master's injunctions were not to mean to speak harsh to you, Sammy. Wery good. be disobeyed; and catching his father by the arm as That's the vay to begin. Come to the pint at once. he was descending the stairs, dragged him back by Wery good indeed, Samivel." main force. Mr. Weller nodded his head an extraordinary "My good friend," said Mr. Pickwick, taking the number of times, in the excess of his gratification, old man by the hand; " your honest confidence overand waited in a listening attitude for Sam to resume powers me." his statement. " I don't see no occasion for nothin' o' the kind, "You may sit down, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, ap- sir," replied Mr. Weller, obstinately. prehending that the interview was likely to prove " I assure you, my good friend, I have more money rather longer than he had expected. than I can ever need; far more than a man at my Sam bowed again and sat down; his father look- age can ever live to spend," said Mr. Pickwick. ing round, he continued, "No man knows how much he can spend till he "The gov'nor, sir, has drawn out five hundred and tries," observed Mr. Weller. thirty pound." "Perhaps not," replied Mr. Pickwick; "but as I "Reduced counsels," interposed Mr. Weller, senior, have no intention of trying any such experiments, I in an undertone. am not likely to come to want. I must beg you to "It don't much matter vether it's reduced coun- take this back, Mr. Weller." sels, or wot not," said Sam; " five hundred and thir- " Wery well," said Mr. Weller, with a discontented ty pound is the sum, ain't it " look. "Mark my vords, Sammy. I'll do somethin' "All right, Samivel," replied Mr. Weller. desperate vith this here property; somethin' des"To vich sum, he has added for the house and bis- perate!" ness —" You'd better not," replied Sam. "Lease, good-vill, stock, and fixters," interposed Mr. Weller reflected for a short time, and then, Mr. Weller. ~buttoning up his coat with great determination, -"As much as makes it," continued Sam, "alto- said, gether, eleven hundred and eighty pound." " I'll keep a pike." "Indeed!" said Mr. Pickwick. "I am delighted "Wot!" exclaimed Sam. to hear it. I congratulate you, Mr. Weller, on hav- "A pike," rejoined Mr. Weller, through his set ing done so well." teeth; "I'll keep a pike. Say good-bye to your fa"Vait a minit, sir," said Mr. Weller, raising his ther, Samivel. I dewote the remainder o' my days hand in a deprecatory manner. " Get on, Samivel." to a pike." "This here money," said Sam, with a little hesi- This threat was such an awful one, and Mr. Weller, tation, " he's anxious to put someveres vere he knows besides appearing fully resolved to carry it into exeit'll be safe, and I'm wery anxious too, for if he keeps cution, seemed so deeply mortified by Mr. Pickwick's it, he'll go a-lendin' it to somebody, or inwestin' prop- refusal, that that gentleman, after a short reflection, erty in horses, or droppin' his pocket-book down a said, airy, or makin' a Egyptian mummy of hisselfin some " Well, well, Mr. Weller, I will keep the money. vay or another." I can do more good with it, perhaps, than you can." " Wery good, Samivel," observed Mr. Weller, in as " Just the wery thing, to be sure," said Mr. Weller, complacent a manner as if Sam had been passing the brightening up; " o' course you can,sir." highest eulogiums on his prudence and foresight. "Say no more about it," said Mr. Pickwick, lock"Wery good." ing the pocket-book in his desk; "I am heartily "For vich reasons," continued Sam, plucking nerv- obliged to you, my good friend. Now sit down again. ously at the brim of his hat; "for vich reasons, he's I want to ask your advice." drawd it out to-day, and come here vith me to say, The internal laughter occasioned by the triumphleastvays to offer, or in other vords to-" ant success of his visit, which had convulsed not only 324 THE PICKWICK CLUB. Mr. Weller's face, but his arms, legs, and body also, it was evident from the tone in which he used it during the locking up of the pocket-book, suddenly that it was a favorable expression, Mr. Pickwick was gave place to the most dignified gravity as he heard as well satisfied as if he had been thoroughly enlightthese words. ened on the subject. "Wait outside a few minutes, Sam, will you?" "I take a great interest in her, Mr. Weller," said said Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Pickwick. Sam immediately withdrew. Mr. Weller coughed. Mr. Weller looked uncommonly wise and verymuch "I mean an interest in her doing well," resumed amazed, when Mr. Pickwick opened the discourse by Mr. Pickwick; " a desire that she may be comfortasaying, ble and prosperous. You understand?" " You are not an advocate for matrimony, I think, "Wery clearly," replied Mr. Weller, who underMr. Weller?" stood nothing yet. Mr. Weller shook his head. He was wholly un- "That young person," said Mr. Pickwick, " is atable to speak; vague thoughts of some wicked wid- tached to your son." ow having been successful in her designs on Mr. Pick- " To Samivel Veller!" exclaimed the parent. wick choked his utterance. "Yes," said Pickwick. "ALL I SAY 18, JUST YOU KEEP IT TILL I ASK YOU FOR IT AGAIN." "Did you happen to see a young girl down stairs "It's nat'ral," said Mr. Weller, after some conwhen you came in just now with your son?" inquired sideration, " natural, but rayther alarming Sammy Mr Pickwick. must be careful." "Yes. I see a young gal," replied Mr. Weller, "How do you mean?" inquired Mr. Pickwick. shortly.i Wery careful that he don't say nothin' to her," ALL I SAY iS JUST YOU KEEP IT TILL I ASK YOU FO IT AAIN. "What did you think of her, now Candidly, respondedat'ra," said M r. Weller. Wery careful that he ain't Mr. w hen at did you thame in just k of her soned avay, inquirnocent moment, t o say any thin k as I thought she wos wery plump, and vell made,"ickwick. mustay lead to a onwiction for bcareach. Youre never said Mr. Weller, with a critical a" inquirsafe vith em, Mr. Pickwick. ven they vunce has de" sho e is," saidMr. Pickwick, so she is. Whatsigns on you; theres no k say now thin' vere to have em; did you think of her manners, from what you saw respoand vile youre a-considering of it, they have you. of her?" I wos married fust that vay myself, sir, and Sammy " Wery pleasant," rejoined Mr. Weller. " Wery wos the consekens o' the manoover." pleasant and conformable." "You give me no great encouragement to conThe precise meaning which Mr. Weller attached to elude what I have to say," observed Mr. Pickwick, this last-mentioned adjective did not appear; but as "but I had better do so at once. This young person MORE ABOUT SAM'S REWARD. 325 is not only attached to your son, Mr. Weller, but your "I'm very much obliged to you for your goodness, son is attached to her." sir, as is only like yourself; but it can't be done." "Veil," said Mr. Wller, "this here's a pretty sort "Can't be done!" ejaculated Mr. Pickwick in aso' thing to come to a father's ears, this is!" tonishment. " I have observed them on several occasions," said " Samivel!" said Mr. Weller, with dignity. Mr. Pickwick, making no comment on Mr. Weller's "I say it can't be done," repeated Sam, in a louder last remark; "and entertain no doubt at all about key. "Wot's to become of you, sir?" it. Supposing I were desirous of establishing them " My good fellow," replied Mr. Pickwick, " the recomfortably as man and wife in some little business cent changes among my friends will alter my mode or situation, where they might hope to obtain a of life in future entirely; besides, I am growing decent living, what should you think of it, Mr. Wel- older, and want repose and quiet. My rambles, Sam, ler?" are over." At first Mr. Weller received with wry faces a prop- "How do I know that'ere, sir?" argued Sam. osition involving the marriage of any body in whom "You think so now! S'pose you wos to change your he took an interest; but as Mr. Pickwick argued mind, vich is not unlikely, for you've the spirit o' the point with him, and laid great stress on the fact five-and-tventy in you still, what'ud become on that Mary was not a widow, he gradually became you vithout me. It can't be done, sir, it can't be more tractable. Mr. Pickwick had great influence done." over him, and he had been much struck with Mary's "Wery good, Samivel, there's a good deal in that," appearance, having, in fact, bestowed several very said Mr. Weller, encouragingly. unfatherly winks upon her already. At length he "I speak after long deliberation, Sam, and with said that it was not for him to oppose Mr. Pick- the certainty that I shall keep my word," said Mr. wick's inclination, and that he would be very happy Pickwick, shaking his head. " New scenes have to yield to his advice; upon which Mr. Pickwick closed upon me; my rambles are at an end." joyfully took him at his word, and called Sam back " Wery good," rejoined Sam. " Then, that's the into the room. wery best reason wy you should alvays have some"Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, clearing his throat, body by you as understands you, to keep you up " your father and I have been having some conver- and make you comfortable. If you vant a more polsation about you." ished sort o' feller, veil and good, have him; but "About you, Samivel," said Mr. Weller, in a pat- vages or no vages, notice or no notice, board or no ronizing and impressive voice. board, lodgin' or no lodgin', Sam Veller, as you took " I am not so blind, Sam, as not to have seen, a from the old Inn in the Borough, sticks by you, come long time since, that you entertain something more what come may; and let ev'ry thin' and ev'ry body than a friendly feeling toward Mrs. Winkle's maid," do their wery fiercest, nothin' shall ever perwent it!" said Mr. Pickwick. At the close of this declaration, which Sam made "You hear this, Samivel?" said Mr. Weller, in the with great emotion, the elder Mr. Weller rose from same judicial form of speech as before. his chair, and, forgetting all considerations of time, "I hope, sir," said Sam, addressing his master: " I place, or propriety, waved his hat above his head, hope there's no harm in a young man takin' notice and gave three vehement cheers. of a young'ooman as is undeniably good-looking and " My good fellow," said Mr. Pickwick, when Mr. well-conducted." Weller had sat down again, rather abashed at his "Certainly not," said Mr. Pickwick. own enthusiasm, "you are bound to consider the "Not by no means," acquiesced Mr. Weller, affably young woman also." but magisterially. "I do consider the young'ooman, sir," said Sam. " So far from thinking there is any thing wrong "I have considered the young'ooman. I've spoke in conduct so natural," resumed Mr. Pickwick, " it is to her. I've told her how I'm sitivated; she's ready my wish to assist and promote your wishes in this to vait till I'm ready, and I believe she vill. If she respect. With this view, I have had a little conver- don't she's not the young'ooman I take her for, and sation with your father; and finding that he is of I give her up vith readiness. You've know'd me my opinion-" afore, sir." My mind's made up, and nothin' can " The lady not being a widder," interposed Mr. ever alter it." Weller, in explanation. Who could combat this resolution? Not Mr. Pick"The lady not being a widow," said Mr. Pickwick, wick. He derived, at that moment, more pride and smiling. "I wish to free you from the restraint luxury of feeling from the disinterested attachment which your present position imposes upon you, and of his humble friends, than ten thousand protesto mark my sense of your fidelity and many excel- tations from the greatest men living could have lent qualities, by enabling you to marry this girl at awakened in his heart. once, and to earn an independent livelihood for your- While this conversation was passing in Mr. Pickself and family. I shall be proud, Sam," said Mr. wick's room, a little old gentleman in a suit of snuffPickwick, whose voice had faltered a little hither- colored clothes, followed by a porter, carrying a small to, but now resumed its customary tone, "proud portmanteau, presented himself below; and after seand happy to make your future prospects in life my curing a bed for the night, inquired of the waiter grateful and peculiar care." whether one Mrs. Winkle was staying there, to which There was a profound silence for a short time, and question the waiter, of course, responded in the afthen Sam said, in a low husky sort of voice, but firm- firmative. ly withal " Is she alone?" inquired the little old gentleman. 326 THE PICKWICK CLUB. " I believe she is, sir," replied the waiter; "I can not having yet removed his eyes from her countecall her own maid, sir, if you-" nance. "You have been recently married, ma'am?" " No, I don't want her," said the old gentleman, "I have," replied Arabella,jn a scarcely audible quickly. " Show me to her room without announ- tone, laying aside her work, and becoming greatly cing me." agitated as a thought that had occurred to her be"Eh, sir?" said the waiter. fore struck more forcibly upon her mind. "Are you deaf?" inquired the little old gentleman. "Without having represented to your husband "No, sir." the propriety of first consulting his father, on whom "Then listen, if you please. Can you hear me he is dependent, I think?" said the stranger. now?" Arabella applied her handkerchief to her eyes. " Yes, sir." "Without an endeavor, even, to ascertain, by some "That's well. Show me to Mrs. Winkle's room, indirect appeal, what were the old man's sentiments without announcing me." on a point in which he would naturally feel much As the little old gentleman uttered this command, interested?" said the stranger. he slipped five shillings into the waiter's hand, and "I can not deny it, sir," said Arabella. looked steadily at him. "And without having sufficient property of your "Really, sir," said the waiter, "I don't know, sir, own to afford your husband any permanent assistwhether-" ance in exchange for the worldly advantages which "Ah! you'll do it, I see," said the little old gentle- you knew he would have gained if he had married man. "You had better do it at once. It will save agreeably to his father's wishes?" said the old gentime." tleman. "This is what boys and girls call disinterThere was something so very cool and collected ested affection, till they have boys and girls of their in the gentleman's manner, that the waiter put the own, and then they see it in a rougher and very diffive shillings in his pocket, and led him up stairs ferent light!" without another word. Arabella's tears flowed fast, as she pleaded in ex"This is the room, is it?" said the gentleman. tenuation that she was young and inexperienced; "You may go." that her attachment had alone induced her to take The waiter complied, wondering much who the the step to which she had resorted; and that she gentleman could be, and what he wanted; the little had been deprived of the counsel and guidance of old gentleman waiting till he was out of sight, tap- her parents almost from infancy. ped at the door. "It was wrong," said the old gentleman in a "Come in,'? said Arabella. milder tone, "very wrong. It was foolish, romantic, " Um, a pretty voice at any rate," murmured the unbusiness-like." little old gentleman; "but that's nothing." As he " It was my fault; all my fault, sir," replied poor said this, he opened the door and walked in. Ara- Arabella, weeping, bella, who was sitting at work, rose on beholding a "Nonsense!" said the old gentleman; " it was not stranger-a little confused-but by no means un- your fault that he fell in love with you, I suppose? gracefully so. Yes it was, though," said the old gentleman, looking "Pray don't rise, ma'am," said the unknown, rather slyly at Arabella. "It was your fault. He walking in, and closing the door after him. "Mrs. couldn't help it." Winkle, I believe?" This little compliment, or the little gentleman's Arabella inclined her head. odd way of paying it, or his altered manner-so "Mrs. Nathaniel Winkle, who married the son of much kinder than it was at first-or all three tothe old man at Birmingham?" said the stranger, ey- gether, forced a smile from Arabella in the midst of ing Arabella with visible curiosity. her tears. Again Arabella inclined her head, and looked un- "Where's your husband?" inquired the old geneasily round, as if uncertain whether to call for as- tleman, abruptly; stopping a smile which was just sistance. coming over his own face. "I surprise you, I see, ma'am," said the old gen- "I expect him every instant, sir," said Arabella. tleman. "I persuaded him to take a walk this morning. He "Rather, I confess," replied Arabella, wondering is very low and wretched at not having heard from more and more. his father." " I'll take a chair, if you'll allow me, ma'am," said "Low, is he?" said the old gentleman. "Serve the stranger. him right!" He took one; and drawing a spectacle-case from "He feels it on my account, I am afraid," said Arhis pocket, leisurely pulled out a pair of spectacles, abella; "and indeed, sir, I feel it deeply on his. I which he adjusted on his nose. have been the sole means of bringing him to his " You don't know me, ma'am?" he said, looking so present condition." intently at Arabella that she began to feel alarmed. "Don't mind it on his account, my dear," said "No, sir," she replied, timidly. the old gentleman. "It serves him right. I am "No," said the gentleman, nursing his left leg; glad of it-actually glad of it, as far as he is con"I don't know how you should. You know my cerned." name, though, ma'am." The words were scarcely out of the old gentle" Do I " said Arabella, trembling, though she man's lips, when footsteps were heard ascending the scarcely knew why. "May I ask what it is " stairs, which he and Arabella seemed both to rec"Presently, ma'am, presently," said the stranger, ognize at the same moment. The little gentleman SETTLING DOWN. 327 turned pale, and making a strong effort to appear turning just in time for dinner, and then wearing an composed, stood up, as Mr. Winkle entered the room. air of mystery and importance quite foreign to their "Father!" cried Mr. Winkle, recoiling in amaze- natures. It was evident that very grave and eventment. ful proceedings were on foot; but various surmises "Yes, sir," replied the little old gentleman. " Well, were afloat respecting their precise character. Some sir, what have you got to say to me?" (among whom was Mr. Tupman) were disposed to Mr. Winkle remained silent. think that Mr. Pickwick contemplated a matrimo"You are ashamed of yourself, I hope, sir?" said nial alliance; but this idea the ladies most strenuthe old gentleman. ously repudiated. Others rather inclined to the beStill Mr. Winkle said nothing. lief that he had projected some distant tour, and was "Are you ashamed of yourself, sir, or are youlnot?" at present occupied in effecting the preliminary arinquired the old gentleman. rangements; but this again was stoutly denied by "No, sir," replied Mr. Winkle, drawing Arabella's Sam himself, who had unequivocally stated when arm through his. " I am not ashamed of myself, or cross-examined by Mary that no new journeys were of my wife either." to be undertaken. At length, when the brains of "Upon my word!" cried the old gentleman, iron- the whole party had been racked for six long days ically. by unavailing speculation, it was unanimously re"I am very sorry to have done any thing which solved that Mr. Pickwick should be called upon to has lessened your affection for me, sir," said Mr. explain his conduct, and to state distinctly why he Winkle; "but I will say, at the same time, that I had thus absented himself from the society of his have no reason to be ashamed of having this lady admiring friends. for my wife, nor you of having her for a daughter." With this view, Mr. Wardle invited the full circle " Give me your hand, Nat," said the old gentle- to dinner at the Adelphi; and, the decanters having man, in an altered voice. " Kiss me, my love. You been twice sent round, opened the business. are a very charming little daughter-in-law, after all!" "We are all anxious to know," said the old genIn a few minutes' time Mr. Winkle went in search tlemen, "what we have done to offend you, and to of Mr. Pickwick, and, returning with that gentleman, induce you to desert us, and devote yourself to these presented him to his father, whereupon they shook solitary walks." hands for five minutes incessantly. "Are you 1" said Mr. Pickwick. "It is singular " Mr. Pickwick, I thank you most heartily for all enough that I had intended to volunteer a full exyour kindness to my son," said old Mr. Winkle, in a planation this very day; so, if you will give me anbluff, straightforward way. "I am a hasty fellow, other glass of wine, I will satisfy your curiosity." and when I saw you last, I was vexed and taken by The decanters passed from hand to hand with unsurprise. I have judged for myself now, and am wonted briskness, and Mr. Pickwick looking round more than satisfied. Shall I make any more apolo- on the faces of his friends, with a cheerful smile, gies, Mr. Pickwick?" proceeded: "Not one," replied that gentleman. "You have done "All the changes that have taken place among the only thing wanting to complete my happiness." us," said Mr. Pickwick, "I mean the marriage that Hereupon there was another shaking of hands for has taken place, and the marriage that will take five minutes longer, accompanied by a great number place, with the changes they involve, rendered it of complimentary speeches, which, besides being com- necessary for me to think, soberly and at once, upon plimentary, had the additional and very novel rec-. my future plans. I determined on retiring to some ommendation of being sincere. quiet, pretty neighborhood in the vicinity of London; Sam had dutifully seen his father to the Belle I saw a house which exactly suited my fancy; I Sauvage, when, on returning, he encountered the fat have taken it, and furnished it. It is fully prepared boy in the court, who had been charged with the for my reception, and I intend entering upon it at delivery of a note from Emily Wardle. once, trusting that I may yet live to spend many "I say," said Joe, who was unusually loquacious, quiet years in peaceful retirement, cheered through " what a pretty girl Mary is, isn't she? I am so fond life by the society of my friends, and followed in of her, I am!" death by their affectionate remembrance." Mr. Weller made no verbal remark in reply; but Here Mr. Pickwick paused, and a low murmur ran eying the fat boy for a moment, quite transfixed at round the table. his presumption, led him by the collar to the corner, "The house I have taken," said Mr. Pickwick, " is and dismissed him with a harmless but ceremonious at Dulwich. It has a large garden, and is situated kick. After which, he walked home whistling. in one of the most pleasant spots near London. It has been fitted up with every attention to substan- * —— tial comfort; perhaps to a little elegance besides; but of that you shall judge for yourselves. Sam acCHAPTER LVII. companies me there. I have engaged, on Perker's IN WHICH THE PICKWCK CB IS FINALY representation, a housekeeper-a very old one-and IN WHIAND EVERY THINGCI CLUBONCLUDED TO TE such other servants as she thinks I shall require. I SOLVED, ATACN EVERY T CO DD O propose to consecrate this little retreat, by having a SATISFACTION OF EVERY BODY. ceremony in which I take a great interest performed FOR a whole week after the happy arrival of Mr. there. I wish, if my friend Wardle entertains no Winkle from Birmingham, Mr. Pickwick and objection, that his daughter should be married from Sam Weller were from home all day long, only re- my new house on the day I take possession of it. 328 THE PICKWICK CLUB. The happiness of young people," said Mr. Pickwick, ceremony. Hereupon Mr. Trundle called in the doca little moved, "has ever been the chief pleasure of tor, and the doctor said Mrs. Trundle ought to know my life. It will warm my heart to witness the hap- best how she felt herself, to which Mrs. Trundle repiness of those friends who are dearest to me, be- plied that she felt herself quite equal to it, and that neath my own roof." she had made up her mind to go; upon which the Mr. Pickwick paused again: Emily and Arabella doctor, who was a wise and discreet doctor, and knew sobbed audibly. what was good for himself as well as for other peo"I have communicated, both personally and by ple, said that perhaps if Mrs. Trundle stopped at letter, with the club," resumed Mr. Pickwick, "ac- home she might hurt herself more by fretting than quainting them with my intention. During our by going, so perhaps she had better go. And she long absence, it had suffered much from internal dis- did go; the doctor, with great attention, sending in sensions; and the withdrawal of my name, coupled half a dozen of medicine, to be drunk upon the road. with this and other circumstances, has occasioned In addition to these points of distraction, Wardle its dissolution. The Pickwick Club exists no longer. was intrusted with two small letters to two small " I shall never regret," said Mr. Pickwick, in a low young ladies who were to act as brides-maids; upon voice, "I shall never regret having devoted the the receipt of which, the two young ladies were greater part of two years to mixing with different driven to despair by having no " things" ready for varieties and shades of human character, frivolous as so important an occasion, and no time to make them my pursuit of novelty may have appeared to many. in-a circumstance which appeared to afford the two Nearly the whole of my previous life having been worthy papas of the two small young ladies rather a devoted to business and the pursuit of wealth, nu- feeling of satisfaction than otherwise. However, old merous scenes of which I had no previous conception frocks were trimmed, and new bonnets made, and the have dawned upon me-I hope to the enlargement young ladies looked as well as could possibly have of my mind, and the improvement of my understand- been expected of them. And as they cried at the ing. If I have done but little good, I trust I have subsequent ceremony in the proper places, and tremdone less harm, and that none of my adventures will bled at the right times, they acquitted themselves to be other than a source of amusing and pleasant rec- the admiration of all beholders. ollection to me in the decline of life. God bless you How the two poor relations ever reached London all!" -whether they walked, or got behind coaches, or With these words, Mr. Pickwick filled and drained procured lifts in wagons, or carried each other by a bumper with a trembling hand, and his eyes moist- turns-is uncertain; but there they were, before ened as his friends rose with one accord, and pledged Wardle; and the very first people that knocked at him from their hearts. the door of Mr. Pickwick's house on the bridal mornThere were very few preparatory arrangements to ing were the two poor relations, all smiles and shirtbe made for the marriage of Mr. Snodgrass. As he collar. had neither father nor mother, and had been in his They were welcomed heartily, though, for riches minority a ward of Mr. Pickwick's, that gentleman or poverty had no influence on Mr. Pickwick; the was perfectly well acquainted with his possessions new servants were all alacrity and readiness; Sam and prospects. His account of both was quite satis- was in a most unrivaled state of high spirits and exfactory to Wardle-as almost any other account citement; Mary was glowing with beauty and smart would have been, for the good old gentleman was ribbons. overflowing with hilarity and kindness-and a hand- The bridegroom, who had been staying at the some portion having been bestowed upon Emily, the house for two or three days previous, sallied forth marriage was fixed to take place on the fourth day gallantly to Dulwich Church to meet the bride, atfrom that time: the suddenness of which prepara- tended by Mr. Pickwick, Ben Allen, Bob Sawyer, and tions reduced three dress-makers and a tailor to the Mr. Tupman, with Sam Weller outside, having at his extreme verge of insanity. button-hole a white favor, the gift of his lady-love, Getting post-horses to the carriage, old Wardle and clad in a new and gorgeous suit of livery inventstarted off next day to bring his mother up to town. ed for the occasion. They were met by the Wardles, Communicating his intelligence to the old lady with and the Winkles, and the bride and brides-maids, and characteristic impetuosity, she instantly fainted the Trundles; and the ceremony having been peraway; but being promptly revived, ordered the bro- formed, the coaches rattled back to Mr. Pickwick's caded silk gown to be packed up forthwith, and pro- to breakfast, where little Mr. Perker already awaited ceeded to relate some circumstances of a similar na- them. ture attending the marriage of the eldest daughter Here all the light clouds of the more solemn part of Lady Tollimglower, deceased, which occupied of the proceedings passed away; every face shone three hours in the recital, and were not half finished forth joyously; nothing was to be heard but conat last. gratulations and commendations. Every thing was Mrs. Trundle had to be informed of all the mighty so beautiful! The lawn in front, the garden behind, preparations that were making in London, and be- the miniature conservatory, the dining-room, the ing in a delicate state of health was informed there- drawing-room, the bedrooms, the smoking-room, and, of through Mr. Trundle, lest the news should be too above all, the study with its pictures and easy-chairs, much for her; but it was not too much for her, inas- and odd cabinets, and queer tables, and books out of much as she at once wrote off to Muggleton to order number, with a large cheerful window opening upon a new cap and a black satin gown, and moreover a pleasant lawn and commanding a pretty landscape, avowed her determination of being present at the dotted here and there with little houses almost hid /~~e~~YBY/./,-//~~~~ ~ -~~icW;W~);igZS 7/! /A ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ / \\ ~~~~~~~~~~R SRODGRAS SETTLED DOWN. 331 den by the trees; and then the curtains, and the car- al, and otherwise, who hold a high reputation on a pets, and the chairs, and the sofas! Every thing similar tenure. was so beautiful, so compact, so neat, and in such ex- Mr. Tupman, when his friends married, and Mr. quisite taste, said every body, that there really was Pickwick settled, took lodgings at Richmond, where no deciding what to admire most. he has ever since resided. He walks constantly on And in the midst of all this stood Mr. Pickwick, the Terrace during the summer months, with a youthhis countenance lighted up with smiles, which the ful and jaunty air which has rendered him the admiheart of no man, woman, or child could resist: him- ration of the numerous elderly ladies of single conself the happiest of the group: shaking hands, over dition who reside in the vicinity. He has never and over again with the same people, and when his proposed again. own hands were not so employed, rubbing them with Mr. Bob Sawyer, having previously passed through pleasure: turning round in a different direction at the Gazette, passed over to Bengal, accompanied by every fresh expression of gratification or curiosity, Mr.Benjamin Allen; both gentlemen having received and inspiring every body with his looks of gladness surgical appointments from the East India Company. and delight. They each had the yellow fever fourteen times, and Breakfast is announced. Mr. Pickwick leads the then resolved to try a little abstinence; since which old lady (who has been very eloquent on the subject period they have been doing well. of Lady Tollimglower), to the top of a long table; Mrs. Bardell let lodgings to many conversable sinWardle takes the bottom; the friends arrange them- gle gentlemen with great profit, but never brought selves on either side; Sam takes his station behind any more actions for breach of promise of marriage. his master's chair; the laughter and talking cease; Her attorneys, Messrs. Dodson and Fogg, continued Mr. Pickwick, having said grace, pauses for an in- in business, from which they realized a large income, staut, and looks round him. As he does so, the tears and in which they are universally considered among roll down his cheeks, in the fullness of his joy. the sharpest of the sharp. Let us leave our old friend in one of those moments Sam Weller kept his word, and remained unmarof unmixed happiness, of which, if we seek them, ried for two years. The old housekeeper dying at there are ever some, to cheer our transitory existence the end of that time, Mr. Pickwick promoted Mary here. There are dark shadows on the earth; but its to the situation, on condition of her marrying Mr. lights are stronger in the contrast. Some men, like Weller at once, which she did without a murmur. bats or owls, have better eyes for the darkness than From the circumstance of two sturdy little boys havfor the light. We, who have no such optical pow- ing been repeatedly seen at the gate of the back garers, are better pleased to take our last parting look den, there is reason to suppose that Sam has some at the visionary companions of many solitary hours,' family. when the brief sunshine of the world is blazing full The elder Mr. Weller drove a coach for twelve upon them. months, but being afflicted with the gout, was compelled to retire. The contents of the pocket-book had been so well invested for him, however, by Mr. Pickwick, that he had a handsome independence to It is the fate of most men who mingle with the retire on, upon which he still lives at an excellent world, and attain even the prime of life, to make public-house near Shooter's Hill, where he is quite many real friends, and lose them in the course of na- reverenced as an oracle: boasting very much of his ture. It is the fate of all authors or chroniclers to intimacy with Mr. Pickwick, and retaining a most create imaginary friends, and lose them in the course unconquerable aversion to widows. of art. Nor is this the full extent of their misfor- Mr. Pickwick himself continued to reside in his tunes; for they are required to furnish an account new house, employing his leisure hours in arranging of them besides. the memoranda which he afterward presented to the In compliance with this custom-unquestionably secretary of the once famous club, or in hearing Sam a bad one-we subjoin a few biographical words, in Weller read aloud, with such remarks as suggested relation to the party at Mr. Pickwick's assembled. themselves to his mind, which never failed to afford Mr. and Mrs. Winkle, being fully received into fa- Mr. Pickwick great amusement. He was much vor by the old gentleman, were shortly afterward troubled at first by the numerous applications made installed in a newly-built house, not half a mile from to him by Mr. Snodgrass, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. TrunMr. Pickwick's. Mr. Winkle, being engaged in the die, to act as godfather to their offspring; but he City as agent or town correspondent of his father, has become used to it now, and officiates as a matter exchanged his old costume for the ordinary dress of of course. He never had occasion to regret his Englishmen, and presented all the external appear- bounty to Mr. Jingle; for both that person and Job ance of a civilized Christian ever afterward. Trotter became in time worthy members of society, Mr. and Mrs. Snodgrass settled at Dingley Dell, although they have always steadily objected to rewhere they purchased and cultivated a small farm, turn to the scenes of their old haunts and temptamore for occupation than profit. Mr. Snodgrass, be- tions. Mr. Pickwick is somewhat infirm now; but ing occasionally abstracted and melancholy, is to this he retains all his former juvenility of spirit, and may day reputed a great poet among his friends and ac- still be frequently seen contemplating the pictures quaintance, although we do not find that he has ever in the Dulwich Gallery, or enjoying a walk about written any thing to encourage the belief. There the pleasant neighborhood on a fine day. He is are many celebrated characters, literary, philosophic- known by all the poor people about, who never fail 332 THE PICKWICK CLUB. to take their hats off, as he passes, with great re- this, as on all other occasions, he is invariably atspect. The children idolize him, and so indeed does tended by the faithful Sam, between whom and his the whole neighborhood. Every year he repairs to master there exists a steady and reciprocal attacha large family merry-making at Mr. Wardle's; on ment which nothing but death will terminate. Ii' I z ~I I-,I, t:~I-i~i