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ARDER SCIENTIES
ARBOR VITÆÐ

RiverCH
EX LIBRIS
AIN
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GULLIVER
Soph
LUCIUS LEE HUBBARD
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Hubbard
Imag. Voy.
PR
3722
L27
SELECTIONS FROM THE
PROSE WRITINGS OF
JONATHAN SWIFT

1
SELECTIONS
FROM THE PROSE WRITINGS
OF
JONATHAN SWIFT
WITH A PREFACE AND NOTES
BY
STANLEY LANE-POOLE

Ma
ARHOR SCIENTIE
TRA
ARBOR VIT
LONDON
KEGAN PAUL, TRENCH & CO
MDCCCLXXXIII
Rec
Bucetus £ Hubbardi
qu.
10-31-1922
409954
PREFACE
A TALE OF A TUB.
CONTENTS
•
Epistle dedicatory to Prince Posterity
The Introduction
What is Man but a Micro-coat? (Section II.)
•
•
A Digression in Praise of Digressions
A Digression concerning Madness
From a Farther Digression.
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS
The Spider and the Bee.
The Battle
The Episode of Bentley and Wotton
THE ABOLISHING OF CHRISTIANITY IN ENGLAND
A MEDITATION UPON A BROOMSTICK
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
Gulliver's Reception in Lilliput
The Inventory of the Man-Mountain
Factions in the State of Lilliput
The Capture of the Fleet of Blefuscu
Arrival in Brobdingnag .
•
•
·
ENGLISH POLITICAL TRACTS
The Examiner. No. 15
The Examiner. No. 16
The Conduct of the Allies
•
•
The King of Brobdingnag's Inquiry
The Humours of the Laputians
The Academy of Lagado
A particular Account of the Struldbrugs
The Gray Houyhnhnm
The Virtues of the Houyhnhnms.
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
·
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
PAGE
vii
►
•
·
I
3
IO
20
26
31
44
47
49
55
60
67
87
91
93
100
108
112
115
123
132
136
144
149
156
161
163
170
178
vi
CONTENTS
1.
A PROPOSAL FOR CORRECTING, IMPROVING, AND ASCER-
TAINING THE ENGLISH TONGUE
TRACTS RELATING TO IRELAND
The Swearers' Bank
The Drapier's Fourth Letter
A Modest Proposal for preventing the Children of poor
people in Ireland from being a burden to their parents
and country, and for making them beneficial to the
public
•
POLITE CONVERSATION
NOTES
•
•
•
W
R
PAGE
·
•
187
203
205
210
229
241
261
PREFACE
IT
Tis the melancholy privilege of a classical author
to be more often talked about than read; and
Swift has enjoyed this distinction to the full. It
would be an interesting experiment to take a census
of the number of ordinary readers who have any
acquaintance with his writings beyond a boyish re-
collection of Gulliver's Travels and perhaps an im-
pression that the too familiar pass-words "sweetness
and light" are to be found in the Battle of the Books.
Professional students of English literature must of
course know their Swift; but the multitude of critical
and biographical essays, that inevitably follow in the
train of every classic, furnish the general reader with
only too easy a mode of acquiring a surface knowledge
at second or third hand, and the majority of the polite
commonplaces that are always in stock about Swift
may be traced to Thackeray's slight lecture, or to
the brilliant but superficial chapter in Taine. We
are all proud of our greatest satirist; but as to making
a detailed study of his works, nobody thinks of such
an adventure. A distant acquaintance with Gulliver,
and an inquisitive interest in Stella and Vanessa, will
carry one comfortably through the world, and it were
unreasonable to require more of the harassed reader
viii
PREFACE
in an age when every one is a Deucalion and every
stone a book.
One disadvantage that Swift shares with his con-
temporary Defoe is his bulk. There is certainly
something deterring to many tastes in a classic, let
him be never so famous, who cannot be comfortably
lodged in less than nineteen sizeable volumes. Scott's
second edition, 1824, is still, in spite of its want of
method and accuracy, the standard text of Swift, and
it has recently been luxuriously and only too faithfully
reprinted without any diminution of its size. Nineteen
volumes, with never a novel among them, or at best
an allegorical tale or two, and for subject first and
last one gigantic pillory of the human species, may
fairly be allowed to make a severe demand upon the
jaded appetite of the modern reader. The true book
lover knows how to appreciate long editions; I am
not, however, thinking at present of book lovers, but
of book readers, who need as careful preparation as
ever Foulis or Bodoni bestowed upon their folios,
though the preparation must be of a different or even
opposite nature. Nineteen honest brown backs are
dear to a lover of books, but they scare a mere reader,
whose weaker faith must be fortified by small doses,
and whose unaccustomed organs can only digest food
when it has been well minced.
Thus it happens that Swift is not read except by
a few avowed students. My own introduction to
him in his entirety was under far more unfavourable
auspices than Scott's. I claim to belong to the book
lovers, and an edition that spreads along a whole shelf
has no terrors for me. But I was condemned to
learn my Swift in the most atrocious form that ever
PREFACE
ix
printer and binder conspired to produce for the
torment of their victims. The accident that com-
pelled me to read Swift was an illness. There is
nothing like a good long illness for the cultivation
of pure literature. It should not be too severe or
needlessly painful, for then you may overshoot the
mark and be too weary to read or be read to. It is
possible to have too much of even the best things. But
a proper, comfortable illness, that keeps you in bed,
yet leaves you free to read; that banishes all the
interruptions of life, the constitutional walks, the stupid
visits, the annoying correspondence, the dressing and
the undressing, and all the other amenities of modern
civilization, and allows you to lie at peace and read
your fill, is among the best gifts of the gods. You
soon forget to be sleepy and lazy; your mind displays
an unwonted activity, and you become conscious of an
insatiable craving for books.
At first the attentions of well-meaning friends will
provide you with all the most recent additions to the
circulating library, and you will daily consume your
thirty-one-and-sixpenny-worth of guileless incapacity.
But this will not last long; you will get rid of your
friends, by natural brutality or by simulating an in-
fectious disorder; you will refuse to pay the carriage of
library parcels; and you will then abandon yourself to
the luxury of reposeful reading of some great author
who has stood neglected on your upper shelf for years,
and has sadly listened to your glib criticisms of his
works, when he knows you have never even taken him
into your hands. You will read and re-read the neg-
lected one as you have seldom read anything of late :-
slowly, with enjoyment of each well-turned sentence,
K
X
PREFACE
each pregnant thought; the mere act of reading will
be a delight, instead of the scramble it too often is, and
you will remember that author as long as you live, and
continue to read and re-read him when you know his
every page by heart. If the gods could condescend
to mortal literature, in such a way would they read.
They may talk of an Academy for England; but
what we most want is a statutory illness, which every-
one shall be compelled to take at reasonable intervals,
and during which he shall be locked up in the com-
pany of a real book, till he and it are grown firm
friends. A Bill to banish the productions of circulating
libraries from all sick rooms, and for the provision by
the state of a sufficient diet of good authors, would
almost serve the turn; but the compulsory illness is
the true remedy for literary ignorance.
In such an illness I chanced to forgather with
Swift. I had passed through the thirty-one-and-six-
penny phase, and was experiencing the inevitable re-
action, when I remembered two solid volumes on the
traditional top-shelf, which I had not explored. They
contained Swift's works. I had no recollection when
or why I bought them: and when I opened them for
the first time, I marvelled greatly what perversity had
led to such a purchase.
There are two ways of getting a literary gallon into
a pint pot. One is the evaporative process, by which
the thinner and airier portions of the fluid are suffered
to depart in vapour, and a residue of sound liquor,
mellowed by time and full of the distinctive bouquet
of the vintage, preserves all of it that was worth keep-
ing. This might be applied to Swift with success, for
there is much that is unequal in his work, and it is
PREFACE
xi
quite possible and desirable to distil the true essence
out of the mixed brew that we find in the complete
editions. The other method is one of mechanical com-
pression, unknown to distillers, but familiar to buyers
of books, whereby each particle of the liquor is
squeezed and shaken into half its natural size, with
the loss too often of taste and colour, and is then
crammed into a mean vessel, of the thinnest and
basest metal, which cannot be lifted without spilling
the contents, and in which the pot-boy knocks a hole
at every drawing.
My Swift had been subjected to the latter process.
Two tall columns,-not "tall" in the celestial sense
beloved of collectors, but only long of "form" and
short of margin,-filled each page with closely serried
ranks of undersized letters; and each volume held
near a thousand such pages between its shattered
boards. Here, indeed, was the whole of Swift,-
or more than the whole, for there was a good deal
that he never wrote, -but so hustled and pressed
and "cropped," that a moral effort was needed to keep
the outraged sight upon the pages. Accident, how-
ever, ruled the event. There was nothing else to
read; something printed was essential; and so the
two huge volumes came down from their dusty ob-
scurity, and Swift became my intimate companion,
then and thenceforward. I have never ceased to be
grateful to those two ungainly volumes, and the illness
that forced me to study them: and though I now
rejoice in the possession of Scott's luxurious edition,
the mangled remains of the clumsy but painstaking
edition of 1841 are still religiously preserved as objects
of tender solicitude.
xii
PREFACE
You may get much pleasure by reading chosen por-
tions of an author, as I hope some will gain from these
Selections; but to enjoy a great writer fully you must
read him through and then read him again. It is a
happy accident that forces one to read such a one in
earnest; and however one may agree with Sir John in
the general principle, there can be no doubt that such
reading "upon compulsion" is the best fate that can
befall a man. Selections have their justification.
They serve a double object,-to introduce and to
remind. They provide the unadventurous reader with
the easiest way to learn a little of an author he feels he
ought to know; and they recall the fruits of fuller
study to the memories of those who have passed on to
other fields. "The unlearned will thank me for inform-
ing, and the learned will forgive me for reminding
them," was the exordium of the old scholar and this
is the best motto that can be prefixed to a book of
selections from a great classic.
:
In Swift's case there are other reasons for such selec-
tion. Much of his work was concerned with the
politics of his day, and this part has lost something of
its flavour to all but historical students. Too often his
best writings are defaced by a coarseness of illustration,
which though it may find its parallel in the literature of
the age can hardly be excused, and can certainly not be
tolerated in a book for general reading. Swift's coarse-
ness, however, is not of the worst kind, as anyone will
allow who has made any extensive research among
the pamphlets and skits of his time, nor is it so per-
vasive as is commonly imagined. It is quite possible
to purge his text of every trace of indelicacy without
injuring either his sense or his style. The number of
PREFACE
xiii
such omissions in the present selection is quite trifling;
yet there remains not a line in this volume which
might not be recited in a drawing-room.
Another reason for excision is that his satire some-
times stings a foe who has been so long forgotten that
it takes an antiquary to discover the bite. Swift's re-
marks on the fleeting existence of a pun apply scarcely
less closely to satire. Nothing, he says, is so very tender
as a modern piece of wit, or is so apt to suffer in the car-
riage. 'Some things are extremely witty to-day, or
fasting, or in this place, or at eight o'clock, or over a
bottle, or spoke by Mr. What d' y' call 'm, or in a sum-
mer's morning: any of which by the smallest transposal
or misapplication is utterly annihilate. Thus wit has its
walks and purlieus, out of which it may not stray the
breadth of a hair, upon peril of being lost. The
moderns have artfully fixed this mercury, and reduced
it to the circumstances of time, place, and person.
Such a jest there is that will not pass out of Covent
Garden; and such a one that is nowhere intelligible
but at Hyde-park corner. Now though it sometimes
tenderly affects me to consider, that all the towardly
passages I shall deliver in the following treatise will
quite grow out of date and relish with the first shifting
of the present scene, yet I must needs subscribe to the
justice of the proceeding: because I cannot imagine
why we should be at the expense to furnish wit for
succeeding ages, when the former have made no sort
of provision for ours." What Swift said ironically, for
the benefit of the small wits of his time, applies in
earnest to not a few of his own taunts, which have lost
their savour merely because the exciting cause has
been long buried. What can be less interesting than
xiv
PREFACE
a parody of an unknown poem or play? But this is
the fate of many of Swift's jibes at the abuses of his
age; and ignorance of the objects has brought neglect
and inappreciation upon the jest. Swift's comments
on Prior's journey, and Wharton's vices, and the
theology of Mr. Collins, need a second commentator
to make them intelligible to a latter-day reader.
But if satire has its perishable elements, it possesses
also qualities that will commend it to the shrewder
minds so long as the world lasts. "As wit is the
noblest and most useful gift of human nature, so
humour is the most agreeable; and where these two
enter far into the composition of any work, they will
render it always acceptable to the world." And of all
forms of humour satire has perhaps the most durability.
"Satire is a sort of glass," begins the preface to the
Battle of the Books, "wherein beholders do gene-
rally discover everybody's face but their own; which
is the chief reason for that kind reception it meets
with in the world." It will not win the widest
popularity among the general, for it demands a
sense of humour and perhaps a slight vein of cynicism
which are not present in every mind, and it postulates
a mind, which is not contained in every skull. But
among those who are able to understand it, satire
has a power of fascination that no other written.
thing possesses.
Swift exercises this peculiar fascination upon all
who fairly come within reach of his pen. Some of
his irony has lost its point by age and our forgetful-
ness of the past; but the great mass of his work is on
that large field which embraces human nature without
regard to time or place,-with the ludibrium rerum
PREFACE
XV
humanarum, the "ridiculous tragedy" of life,-and
is as applicable to the follies and hypocrisies of the
present day, as it was to the days of Wharton and
Walpole. Man seen at Lilliput through the wrong
end of a telescope is as fruitful of instructive humour
as he was when Gulliver was first published; the
contrasts between the Houyhnhnms and the Yahoos
have as terrible a meaning now as then; the mocking
laughter of the Tub and the Books rings as scornfully
now as ever it did in the opening of the eighteenth
century. Swift's satire is as enduring as our language,
and will in turn delight and chill and terrify mankind
so long as books have power.
There is something in this satire that is alone and
without exact parallel in literature. It is always in
terrible earnest. We smile with Thackeray, for we
feel that the humourist is ridiculing himself as much as
anybody,, and is laughing with us while he pretends to
anathematize. With Swift it is no laughing matter.
He hates and loathes the meannesses and unrealities of
life with the fervour of a prophet of old; he denounces
them with the Burden of Moab. Weakness and de-
ception do not amuse but enrage him; he does not pity
the feeble race that descends to shams and subterfuge,
he despises it heartily. His whole heart is filled with
unspeakable contempt for "the animal called man,"
and all his writings give utterance to his disgust.
But he did not sneer for the sake of sneering; he
showed the right while he scarified the wrong; he did
not paint that loathsome picture of the Yahoos without
a fellow portrait of the "Great Virtues of the Houyhn-
hnms," or satirize the vices of his country without
contrasting the excellence of the government of Brob-
b
xvi
PREFACE
+
dingnag. Swift was the Carlyle of his time, but with
twice Carlyle's breadth and a thousand times his intel-
lectual keenness. The "Philosophy of Clothes" is
Swift's, as Sartor allows, and the general tenor of the
two men's jeremiads is singularly parallel. Carlyle has
a certain Teutonic idealism and romance which Swift
hardly shows; nevertheless Swift had his standards as
well as his Scottish successor. Each despises "the
animal called man," and each loves his Peter or Jack,-
his Sterling or Arbuthnot. "If there were but a
dozen Arbuthnots in the world," wrote Swift, "I
would burn my Travels." Each had the same belief
in great men, and the same distrust of the multitude-
"mostly fools." Each lacked that broad sympathy
which belongs to the very greatest natures, and each
accordingly fell into that slough of gloomy despairing
misanthropy, from which only wide sympathies can
save those whose eyes are "quick to see offences."
But the defects are integral parts of the character.
You cannot pour the vials of wrath upon the world if
you are able to see its better side; sympathy de-
stroys the power of denunciation, and the lash will be
laid on with a tremulous hand if the whipper is full of
compassion for the whipped. The character that
strikes cannot be joined to the heart that pities, or the
blows will fall feebly and miss their aim. The highest
natures may combine the sword that smites with the
balm that heals, -as Shakspere did,—but it will be at
the sacrifice of the sword's edge. Swift did not pos-
sess this highest nature; he could love and pity on
occasion, but his mission was to scourge, and like
most executioners he grew hardened to his work. It
is the too common fate of the schoolmaster.
PREFACE
xvii
The terrible earnestness of Swift's wrath, the saeva
indignatio of his own epitaph, gives him a peculiar
power. Lighter satire amuses us; we enjoy the wit
and discernment of the writer, and join in his pleasant
half-malicious laugh. But Swift's satire goes home
to us; we feel that he sees into the realities of things,
and that the shams and canting impostures he exposes
are real and hateful things which still destroy the
honesty and truth of life. With Swift as with Carlyle
the detestation of falsehood and hypocrisy was the one
ruling idea, and the vehemence with which they de-
nounced the pettinesses and shams of life carries us
away. It is difficult to turn from either of these earnest
haters of wrong and falsehood to the half-hearted
criticisms of the generality, without a feeling of con-
tempt. I remember, when I had read Sartor Resartus
for the first time, taking up a volume of essays by a
very distinguished critic of these days, whom I had
frequently read with keen pleasure; and flinging it
incontinently away. The bathos was too precipitate.
It is the same with Swift. He towers above other
men by the scathing force and passion of his indig-
nation, by the terrible, perhaps exaggerated, earnest-
ness which underlies his lightest travesties.
His earnestness is reflected in his style. No English
is so pointed and so direct as Swift's. Every sentence
is a keen knife that cuts straight to the core; there
is no hesitation or swerving; there is never a word
wasted. His sentences follow one another logically
and equably, in the order dictated by the subject, with-
out any apparent regard for the graces of expression,
nor even, sometimes, for the ordinary rules of gram
mar. He wrote rapidly, as the thoughts seized him,
xviii
PREFACE
nor "ever leaned his head upon his left hand to study
what he should write next." Yet Swift's prose is never
ungainly; it is simple and clear and direct, absolutely
free from affectation or "curious care," never seeking
mere rhetorical effects; but it is not the less polished
to a smooth and brilliant surface ;-not the polish of
elaboration, but the fine chiselled surface that marks
a mind that thought clearly and exactly. If, as
Mr. Matthew Arnold says, uniformity, regularity,
precision, balance," be the best names for the essen-
tials of good prose, these qualities are conspicuous in
Swift's English. But precision is the quality that
strikes one as more salient in his style than perhaps
in any other English prose. His words always say
precisely what he means, neither more nor less; and
that after all is the end of language with one who has
something to say. If he can say exactly what he
means, without rhetorical exaggeration or bald in-
sufficiency, he writes well; if he can do all this, and
also make his sentences glitter like burnished daggers,
he is a master of prose style. In all this Swift stands
supreme: there is more graceful language, more
glowing, more imaginative, but none more masculine,
straightforward, and expressive of the precise idea of
the writer. A safer model of style cannot be found
in the whole range of English literature.
But there is another quality in Swift as characteristic
as his incisive style or his cynical satire, and this is his
extraordinary power of detailed realization of purely
fictitious images. It is this that gives, not only his
narrative, but his illustrations, his "proposals," and
"schemes," their lifelike probability. As Mr. Leslie
Stephen has put it, "Swift's peculiarity is in the
C
PREFACE
xix
curious sobriety of fancy which leads him to keep
in his most daring flights upon the confines of the
possible. In the imaginary travels of Lucian and
Rabelais, with which Gulliver is generally compared,
we frankly take leave of the real world altogether.
We are treated with arbitrary and monstrous com-
binations, which may be amusing, but which do not
challenge even a semblance of belief. In Gulliver
this is so little the case that it can hardly be said in
strictness that the fundamental assumptions are even
impossible. Why should there not be creatures in
human form with whom, as in Lilliput, one of our
inches represents a foot, or, as in Brobdingnag, one
of our feet represents an inch? the assumption is so
modest that we are presented, it may be said, with
a definite and soluble problem. We have not, as in
other fictitious worlds, to deal with a state of things
in which the imagination is bewildered, but with one
in which it is agreeably stimulated. We have cer-
tainly to consider an extremely exceptional case, but
one to which all the ordinary laws of human nature
are still strictly applicable. Imagine giants and
dwarfs as tall as a house or as low as a footstool, and
let us see what comes of it. That is a plain, almost
mathematical problem; and we can therefore judge
his success and receive pleasure from the ingenuity
and verisimilitude of his creations.
"When we have once thought of big men and little
men,' said Johnson, perversely enough, it is easy to do
the rest.' The first step might, perhaps, seem in this
case to be the easiest, yet nobody ever thought of it be-
fore Swift, and nobody has ever had similar good for-
tune since. There is no other fictitious world the deni-
XX
PREFACE
zens of which have become so real for us and which
has supplied so many images familiar to every educated
mind. But the apparent ease is due to the extreme
consistency and sound judgment of Swift's realization.
The conclusions follow so inevitably from the primary
data, that when they are once drawn we agree that
they could not be otherwise, and infer, rashly, that
anybody else could have drawn them. It is as easy
as lying; but everybody who has seriously tried the
experiment knows that even lying is by no means so
easy as it appears at first sight. In fact, Swift's success
is something unique. The charming plausibility of
every incident throughout the two first parts, com-
mends itself to children, who enjoy definite concrete
images, and are fascinated by a world which is at once
full of marvels surpassing Jack the Giant Killer and
the wonders seen by Sindbad, and yet as obviously and
undeniably true as the adventures of Robinson Crusoe
himself." This is, of course, more even than the edge
of the satire, the true cause of Gulliver's popularity,
and not among children only.
In arranging the present selection, I have sought to
give especial prominence to this peculiar power of
realization, which lends a unique charm to Swift's
narrative. Of the extracts from Gulliver, which fill
a third of this volume, half were chosen on account
of the microscopic realism of the pictures they present
of purely imaginary states of existence. Such extracts
are the "Reception in Lilliput," perhaps the most
successful example of the logical expansion of a fanciful
hypothesis in English literature; the " Inventory,"
where the same idea is consistently developed; the
Capture of the Fleet"; and the meeting with the
"(
PREFACE
xxi
Gray Houyhnhnm, which to my mind possesses a
grace and charm which cannot be matched in all the
rest of the wonderful book. The other extracts from
Gulliver show Swift's vein of cynical satire in its most
sober and restrained dignity. We feel, as Hazlitt
said, that we are reading the measured judgments of
some inhabitant of a higher sphere, who looks down.
with sovereign contempt upon the hollow pretences,
the puny rivalries, the gratuitous falsehoods, which go
to help out the "ridiculous tragedy" called life. The
King of Brobdingnag's "Inquiry" reads as coldly and
judicially as a state paper. The passion and scorn
that underlie the calmest irony in Swift is here so
subdued that it might almost pass unsuspected. There
is little of the exuberant slashing ridicule of the Tub
or the Books; it is rather the expression of the con-
temptuous despair of one who has seen through life,
and pronounces it altogether vanity. The quiet hope-
lessness of the satire reaches its most gloomy stage in
the picture of the Struldbrugs, where Swift turns the
Tithonus myth into a horrible reality, and shows us
old age in its most revolting and dismal aspect.
I have drawn less freely than some will perhaps
approve from the voyage to Laputa; but when it was
necessary to exclude even some of the most celebrated
passages in Lilliput and Brobdingnag, it was inevitable
that the inferior work of the third voyage should be
represented very briefly. The hitherto unpublished
addition to Laputa, however, printed in the Notes,
will make some amends for the omissions in the text.
The studiously restrained contempt of the satire and
the extraordinary lifelike quality of the narrative make
Gulliver Swift's greatest work; but there are many
xxii
PREFACE
who would give a nearly equal rank to the Tale of a
Tub. Swift himself, in the dreary decline of his
powers, was observed to turn over the pages of his ear-
liest work, and exclaim, "Good God, what a genius I
had when I wrote that book!"-and genius is written.
on every page of it. The vigorous young intellect
rejoices in its strength, and wantons and riots in its
work of destruction. He has already found out that
all is vanity and hypocrisy, and he tears the mask
from the solemn shams and decorums of the world
with shouts of derisive laughter. He is divesting him-
self of “prejudices," he says, and is confident that he,
and he alone, is free from the conventional impostures
and plausible formulas of the world. He exposes the
cant of religion and the pretensions of letters and the
unrealities of every established form of putative virtue
or genius with a keen enjoyment of the ruin he lays
bare. He anticipates the philosophy of clothes when
he shows that it is the robe makes the difference
between the mayor and the bishop; and he works out
the dominant idea of the relativity and accidental
character of all so-called greatness, when he draws his
famous parallel between madness and genius, and
explains the common attributes of Curtius and Empe-
docles.
-
In style, and as an artistic whole, the Tale of
a Tub is Swift's masterpiece. The satire is more
pointed and concise than in Gulliver, the thought more
full and vigorous, the ideas and language more sus-
tained and nervous. But to our modern taste there
is much in the story of the three brothers that is painful
and repellent. Without intending to do more than
expose religious shams, Swift deals with what, to
PREFACE
xxili
many people, are very sacred things, with a rude and
coarse brutality that make the Tale hateful to sensi-
tive readers. Fortunately the introduction into it
of "Digressions (a satire upon the " padding" of
Grub Street) affords an opportunity for selection.
While the religious part of the satire must necessarily
be omitted from a volume which everyone should be
able to read without offence, the digressions, which
deal chiefly with the literary forms of imposture, are
capable of being reproduced here with hardly any
omissions, and though they do not adequately represent
the almost boisterous humour of the work, they show
Swift's style in its utmost perfection. As English,
the "Epistle Dedicatory to Prince Posterity," com-
plaining of the unfairness of his governor, Time,
towards the literary productions of the age, is un-
surpassed in all Swift's works.
The Battle of the Books is represented by the
Apologue of the Spider and the Bee," which gives
the moral of the whole dispute, and by the Homeric
combats which end it. The work cannot rank with
the Tub, but it is a remarkable example of Swift's
early mood, when he loved to run a-tilt against any-
thing, for the mere enjoyment of sound knocks, and
did not trouble himself about the merits of the case.
The Argument against abolishing Christianity is
introduced, partly because it is a singularly fine
specimen of Swift's lighter satire, and is capable
of being given in its entirety; and partly because
it gives some hints of his opinions as a Church-
man, which form the key to many difficulties in his
political career. Swift was before all things a church-
man, but his thorough contempt for abstract thought,
(C
35
G
xxiv
PREFACE
as for abstract politics, made him rather a believer in
a practically efficient church, the guardian of order and
morals, than in any very spiritual institution. He was
a staunch upholder of church and state, because his
general contempt for mankind at large convinced him
that they were about as good for flying as for thinking,
and therefore needed authorized and qualified divines to
do their theology for them. He detested sectarianism,
not so much for its doctrinal differences as for its
political dangers. A good deal of this may be read
between the lines of the Abolishing of Christianity, but
it is impossible in a limited space to give an adequate
representation of the ecclesiastical views which formed
so important a part of the convictions of the Dean
of St. Patrick's; and although such tracts as the
Sentiments of a Church of England Man are in-
teresting from the biographer's point of view, as
literature they must take a quite subordinate position
in the works of Swift.
The same criticism applies to his political papers,
which are chiefly occupied with questions that have
long passed out of our horizon, and which need some
historical preparation for their due understanding.
Swift's pamphlets cannot indeed be ignored in the
record of his work, for they formed the main support
of a weak administration, and for ever established
the press in the powerful position it has since held.
Following Defoe's Review, Swift may be said to
have created the "leading article" by his weekly
Examiners, which supplied the Tory ministry with
the arguments they would have used if they had had
wit to think of them; and the long series of these
articles, with the culminating triumph of the Conduct
PREFACE
XXV
of the Allies, had no unimportant share in bringing
about the disgrace of Marlborough, and the short-
lived supremacy of the Harley ministry. There is no
disguising the fact that these political tracts read very
ill in the present day, when we are accustomed to
have our political pabulum very neatly dished up for
fastidious palates. Two Examiners are given in
these selections out of thirty-three that Swift wrote,
and they are, I think, the most interesting, and as
literature the best, of the series; but they are certainly
flat. No modern leader-writer, however common-
piace, would write such heavy stuff now. The
explanation probably is, as Mr. Leslie Stephen
remarks, that Swift's pamphlets were rather blows
than words; he had serious political effects to pro-
duce, and what he had to prove must be said in
plain words, for the honest Tory squire of the country
party to understand,—and obey. However this may
be, very few of Swift's political writings have a literary
value, and too many have a vindictive tone of personal
hatred, that destroys their balance and ruins their
literary effect. The extract from the Conduct of the
Allies, the best and most potent of all his English
tracts, will serve to show Swift's manner in this species
of composition, and contains as clear an epitome of
his views on statesmanship as could be found in a few
vigorous paragraphs. Here we see that peace policy,
that denunciation of the war as the doing of a ring of
Whig stock-jobbers and monied men, and that belief
in the landed interest and in the Establishment, which
formed the keynote to Swift's politics, and the ground
of his secession to the Tories.
Of the rest of the selection little need be said. It
xxvi
PREFACE
was decided that it must be limited to prose, since the
introduction of Swift's verse would have resulted in
an inadequate representation of both; and the same
restrictions of space compelled the rejection of the
Journals and Correspondence, which were not written
for publication, and have a biographical rather than a
literary value. The Essay on improving the English
Tongue is inserted as the only piece that Swift ever
put his name to, and also as one of the few writings
of his that are not satirical, except so far as a proposal
for an Academy for England must always involve
some unconscious irony. The somewhat antiquated
views upon the origin and the history of our language
may be forgiven in consideration of the fine appeal
at the end for more substantial recognition of learning
at the hands of the state :-an appeal which still re-
tains its force in our time, when the revenue of Eng-
land is devoted more readily to any object than the
encouragement of science and learning; in spite of
the fact that "the smallest favour given by a great
prince as a mark of esteem to reward the endowments
of the mind never fails to be returned with praises and
gratitude, and loudly celebrated to the world.”
The last twenty-five years of Swift's sane life may
be called his Irish period. During this time he was
generally resident in Ireland, and his pen-apart from
Gulliver-was almost wholly devoted to Irish concerns.
He wrote about Irish trade, or no-trade; on banks,
currency, agriculture, fisheries, grazing, road-making,
planting, reclaiming bogs, labelling beggars, abolish-
ing the Irish language, and utilizing infants as articles
of food. In all these we find the essential virtues
of Swift's style: all are treated in the inflexibly
PREFACE
xxvii
logical fashion; objections are reduced to absurdity or
laughed out of existence; arguments driven home with
a sledge-hammer, accompanied by a dispersing of
sharp splinters into the soft places of bystanders.
Some are naturally of merely temporary interest:
others contain far-reaching views on the melancholy
condition of Ireland under English rule. Many
notable extracts might be made in illustration of the
state of the country and the corruption of the govern-
ment; but for literary purposes the famous Fourth
Drapier's Letter, which caused a reward to be offered for
the author's detection, and the even more celebrated
Modest Proposal, with the little-known but ingeni-
ous caricature of the bubbles of the period, entitled
The Swearer's Bank, are probably sufficient. They
show that Swift's hand had not lost its cunning; and
they also show, what many would regard as contradic-
tory in his character, that he was an earnest Irish
patriot. His "perfect hatred of tyranny and oppres-
sion," which by his own account was the cause of his
championship of Ireland, was entirely of a piece with
the wrath against wrong that inspired the Tub and
Gulliver. He defended Ireland from a sense of jus-
tice rather than love or pity; for he positively hated
the land of his exile, and regarded Dublin only as a
"good enough place to die in. Nor can we claim for
him a wide sympathy with the Irish proper, of whom
he scarcely thought, or with the Ulster Presbyterians,
whom he abhorred: his voice was for the narrow
Ireland of the Englishry. Nevertheless, he worked a
marvellous change in the country at large. Right or
wrong about Wood's halfpence and other matters, he
created public opinion in a "nation of slaves," and
""
xxviii
PREFACE
used it as a political force against a bad law and a
vicious system of government.
Part of the Polite Conversation concludes the selec-
tion this, with the Directions to Servants, formed
Swift's last prose works. The Directions are SO
radically disgusting from first to last, that I cannot
bring myself to stain these pages by a single extract:
but the Polite Conversation shows us the now vener-
able Dean of St. Patrick's in a light and genial
vein that leaves a pleasant taste, despite the know-
ledge that the sparkling string of inconsequent repartee
was written by a man who had long abandoned hope.
"No English is more robust than Swift's," is the
verdict of a sound critic, "no wit more scathing, no
life in private and public more sad and proud, no death
more pitiable." In this pithy summary a true note is
touched which no student of Swift can forget. That
life full of proud sadness is among the chief titles of
Swift to the interest and admiration of all ages.
The troubled spirit may rest,—ubi saeva indignatio
ulterius cor lacerare nequit,—but the sad proud story
will not be forgotten while there are ears to hear and
hearts to understand. The personality of the desolate
Dean stands out among his contemporaries like a riven
oak amidst a forest of saplings. As we wander through
the forest, we stop and admire the supple grace of the
young trees, but all the while the old oak, seared with
the thunder-bolt, towers above us in lonely majesty :
him we dare not praise, but stand in sudden awe. So
when we ramble through the wonderful correspondence
that has descended to us from the library of St.
Patrick's Deanery, we revel in the sparkling wit and
light grace of the Popes and Gays, the Arbuthnots
}
PREFACE
xxix
and Priors, the Lady Betty Germains and Duchesses
of Queensberry of the brilliant epoch; we do homage
to the daring mind of Bolingbroke; and catch
glimpses of Addison and Steele and Congreve in the
distance but all the while we are conscious of a
greater presence, of a master intellect before whom
all these lesser luminaries pale and fade; a personality
compared to which those others are "as moonlight
unto sunlight, and as water unto wine."
We see him, in his busy years in London, writing his
Examiners all evening, and then in bed scribbling his
"little language" to Stella, till his fingers ache with
cold, or hurrying away unshorn in the early morning,
after a brief postscript to his loved journal, to prepare,
at the urgent entreaty of Harley, some fresh broadside
in defence of the ministry. He is dining with St. John
and the favoured few at the Saturday councils, or
dropping in at Will's or the St. James's Coffee House,
to chat with Addison, or ask for a letter from Ireland,
where he left his heart. Or again he is spending long
silent days with Pope at Twickenham, or enjoying
stolen visits to the Vanhomrighs, or dispensing what
little gaiety and sprightliness he possessed with the
charming Lady Betties of the period. We follow
him to the quiet and hated retreat of St. Patrick's,
and see him defending, as it never before had
been defended, the country of his forced adoption,
passing his only hours of sympathy with that myste-
rious partner of his life who was ever near but never
close or watch him reverently as he sets a seal on
a life's strange love, in the despairing memorable
words, "only a woman's hair,' We tremble at his
forced gaiety with the jovial pathetic Sheridan in his
:
XXX
PREFACE
bear-garden at Cavan; and pity his decorous dinners.
with Delaney; and note the sign of a disappointed
life in his one solace, to write to his English friends
and bemoan his fate.
So comes the last sad scene, when the discase that
had tormented him through life overcame the till
then indomitable will, and the mind that for half
a century had known no rest,—that had guided an
empire and guarded a stricken land, that had de-
lighted and terrified men with its power and humour
and vengeful scorn, at last found sleep; the torch
that had shone with scathing brilliancy upon the dark
corners of the earth flickered and died out.
In every
phase and each relation, Swift stands alone and com-
panionless in his unique personality. We feel the
tragedy of his lonely life in the midst of its busiest en-
gagements. We feel that, loved as he was by some,
and feared and respected by most, he was without an
equal to understand him and enter into his heart, that
he knew it and had steeled himself to live a life of soli-
tude in the midst of a crowd. "No public and private
life was more sad and proud;" none was ever more
affecting. To realize Swift's life is to know human
nature in its sternest, gloomiest, most rebellious, most
mysterious moods. But to realize it fully is beyond the
power of any but a Swift.
A TALE OF
OF A TUB
WRITTEN FOR THE UNIVERSAL
IMPROVEMENT OF MANKIND
B
(C
-
"
The Author's Apology, prefixed to the 5th edition, states that
the greatest part
of the Tale "was finished about
thirteen years since, 1696, which is eight years before it was
published. The author was then young, his invention at the
height, and his reading fresh in his head. By the assistance
of some thinking, and much conversation, he had endeavoured
to strip himself of as many real prejudices as he could.
Thus prepared, he thought the numerous and gross corrup-
tions in religion and learning might furnish matter for a
satire that would be useful and diverting. He resolved to
proceed in a manner that should be altogether new, the
world having been already too long nauseated with endless
repetitions upon every subject. The abuses of religion he
proposed to set forth in the allegory of the coats and the
three brothers, which was to make up the body of the dis-
course those in learning he chose to introduce by way of
digressions." The title was derived, according to the
Author's Preface, from a custom seamen use "when they
meet a whale, to throw him out an empty tub by way of
amusement, to divert him from laying violent hands upon
the ship." Such a whale is Hobbes's Leviathan, “which
tosses and plays with all schemes of religion and govern-
ment," and to divert Hobbes's kindred from tossing and
sporting with the commonwealth" Swift flings them his
treatise until such time as a more complete engine of defence
shall be set up. The Tale is outwardly a narrative of the
career of three brothers, Peter, Martin, and Jack, who repre-
sent respectively the Roman Church, the Reformed or Angli-
can Church, and Protestant Dissent; but the history of their
adventures and the diverse modes in which they contrive to
interpret their father's will, the New Testament, in accord-
ance with their own desires, and to accommodate the
miraculous coats, Christianity, which he had bequeathed to
them to the varying fashions of each season, fills but a third
of the treatise, and even here the satire reaches much further
than ecclesiastical divisions and scholastic hairsplittings.
In the several digressions the story is wholly set aside, and
the author allows his humour to play unfettered upon cant
and hypocrisy of all kinds. Of the eleven sections which,
together with sundry prefaces and dedications, and a con-
clusion, make up the work, the Second, Fourth, Sixth, and
Eleventh, alone are occupied with the allegory of the three
brothers the remaining seven are digressions, though not
all so styled, "on critics, "in the modern kind,' "in
praise of digressions," on the Æolists, or pretenders to im-
mediate inspiration, who derive all things from wind,
madness," etc. The epistle to Prince Posterity, and Sections
I., VII., and IX., together with passages from II. and X.,
are here selected to represent the work but there is hardly
a line that can well be spared from Swift's masterpiece.
"
"
(*
on
THE EPISTLE DEDICATORY
SIR,
ΤΟ
HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS PRINCE
POSTERITY
I
HERE present your highness with the fruits of a
very few leisure hours, stolen from the short intervals
of a world of business, and of an employment quite
alien from such amusements as this: the poor produc-
tion of that refuse of time which has lain heavy upon
my hands during a long prorogation of parliament, a
great dearth of foreign news, and a tedious fit of rainy
weather; for which and other reasons, it cannot choose
extremely to deserve such a patronage as that of your
highness, whose numberless virtues, in so few years,
make the world look upon you as the future example
to all princes: for although your highness is hardly
got clear of infancy, yet has the universal learned
world already resolved upon appealing to your future
dictates with the lowest and most resigned submission;
fate having decreed you sole arbiter of the productions
of human wit in this polite and most accomplished
age. Methinks, the number of appellants were enough
to shock and startle any judge of a genius less unlimited
4
A TALE OF A TUB
than yours but, in order to prevent such glorious
trials, the person, it seems, to whose care the educa-
tion of your highness is committed, has resolved, as I
am told, to keep you in almost a universal ignorance
of our studies, which it is your inherent birthright to
inspect.
It is amazing to me that this person should have the
assurance, in the face of the sun, to go about persuading
your highness that our age is almost wholly illiterate,
and has hardly produced one writer upon any subject.
I know very well, that when your highness shall come
to riper years, and have gone through the learning of
antiquity, you will be too curious to neglect inquiring
into the authors of the very age before you and to
think that this insolent, in the account he is preparing
for your view, designs to reduce them to a number so
insignificant as I am ashamed to mention; it moves
my zeal and my spleen for the honour and interest of
our vast flourishing body, as well as of myself, for
whom, I know by long experience, he has professed,
and still continues, a peculiar malice.
It is not unlikely that, when your highness will one
day peruse what I am now writing, you may be ready
to expostulate with your governor upon the credit of
what I here affirm, and command him to show you
some of our productions. To which he will answer,
(for I am well informed of his designs,) by asking
your highness, where they are? and what has become
of them? and pretend it a demonstration that there
never were any, because they are not then to be
found. Not to be found! who has mislaid them? are
they sunk in the abyss of things? It is certain that in
their own nature they were light enough to swim upon
THE EPISTLE DEDICATORY
5
try
the surface for all eternity. Therefore the fault is in
him who tied weights so heavy to their heels as to
depress them to the centre. Is their very essence
destroyed? who has annihilated them? But, that it
may no longer be a doubt with your highness, who is
to be the author of this universal ruin, I beseech you
to observe that large and terrible scythe which your
governor affects to bear continually about him. Be
pleased to remark the length and strength, the sharp-
ness and hardness, of his nails and teeth; consider
his baneful, abominable breath, enemy to life and
matter, infectious and corrupting and then reflect,
whether it be possible for any mortal ink and paper
of this generation to make a suitable resistance. O!
that your highness would one day resolve to disarm
this usurping maître du palais of his furious engines,
and bring your empire hors de page.
It were needless to recount the several methods of
tyranny and destruction which your governor is pleased
to practise upon this occasion. His inveterate malice
is such to the writings of our age, that of several
thousands produced yearly from this renowned city,
before the next revolution of the sun, there is not one
to be heard of: unhappy infants! many of them bar-
barously destroyed before they have so much as learnt
their mother tongue to beg for pity. Some he stifles
in their cradles; others he frights into convulsions,
whereof they suddenly die; some he flays alive; others
he tears limb from limb. Great numbers are offered
to Moloch; and the rest, tainted by his breath, die of
a languishing consumption.
But the concern I have most at heart is for our
corporation of poets; from whom I am preparing a
6
A TALE OF A TUB
petition to your highness, to be subscribed with the
names of one hundred and thirty-six of the first rate;
but whose immortal productions are never likely to
reach your eyes, though each of them is now a humble
and earnest appellant for the laurel, and has large
comely volumes ready to show for a support to his
pretensions. The never-dying works of these illus-
trious persons, your governor, sir, has devoted to un-
avoidable death; and your highness is to be made
believe that our age has never arrived at the honour
to produce one single poet.
We confess Immortality to be a great and powerful
goddess; but in vain we offer up to her our devotions
and our sacrifices, if your highness's governor, who
has usurped the priesthood, must, by an unparalleled
ambition and avarice, wholly intercept and devour
them.
To affirm that our age is altogether unlearned, and
devoid of writers in any kind, seems to be an assertion
so bold and so false, that I have been some time
thinking the contrary may almost be proved by uncon-
trollable demonstration. It is true, indeed, that al-
though their numbers be vast, and their productions
numerous in proportion, yet are they hurried so hastily
off the scene, that they escape our memory and elude
our sight. When I first thought of this address, I had
prepared a copious list of titles to present your high-
ness, as an undisputed argument for what I affirm.
The originals were posted fresh upon all gates and
corners of streets; but, returning in a very few hours
to take a review, they were all torn down, and fresh
ones in their places. I inquired after them among
readers and booksellers; but I inquired in vain: the
THE EPISTLE DEDICATORY
7
memorial of them was lost among men, their place
was no more to be found; and I was laughed to scorn
for a clown and a pedant, without all taste and refine-
ment, little versed in the course of present affairs, and
that knew nothing of what had passed in the best
companies of court and town. So that I can only
avow in general to your highness, that we do abound
in learning and wit; but to fix upon particulars is a
task too slippery for my slender abilities. If I should
venture in a windy day to affirm to your highness,
that there is a large cloud near the horizon in the
form of a bear, another in the zenith with the head of
an ass, a third to the westward with claws like a
dragon; and your highness should in a few minutes
think fit to examine the truth; it is certain they would
all be changed in figure and position : new ones
would arise, and all we could agree upon would be,
that clouds there were, but that I was grossly mistaken
in the zoography and topography of them.
But your governor perhaps may still insist, and put
the question, -What is then become of those immense
bales of paper which must needs have been employed
in such numbers of books? can these also be wholly
annihilate, and so of a sudden, as I pretend? What
shall I say in return of so invidious an objection?
It ill befits the distance between your highness and me,
to send you for ocular conviction to an oven or a
sordid lantern. Books, like men their authors, have
no more than one way of coming into the world;
but there are ten thousand to go out of it and return
no more.
I profess to your highness, in the integrity of my
heart, that what I am going to say is literally true this
8
A TALE OF A TUB
minute I am writing: what revolutions may happen
before it shall be ready for your perusal, I can by
no means warrant; however, I beg you to accept it
as a specimen of our learning, our politeness, and our
wit. I do therefore affirm, upon the word of a sincere
man, that there is now actually in being a certain
poet, called John Dryden, whose translation of Virgil
was lately printed in a large folio, well bound, and if
diligent search were made, for aught I know, is yet to
be seen. There is another, called Nahum Tate, who
is ready to make oath that he has caused many reams
of verse to be published, whereof both himself and his
bookseller, if lawfully required, can still produce
authentic copies, and therefore wonders why the
world is pleased to make such a secret of it. There
is a third, known by the name of Tom Durfey, a
poet of a vast comprehension, a universal genius, and
most profound learning. There are also one Mr.
Rymer, and one Mr. Dennis, most profound critics.
There is a person styled Dr. Bentley, who has written
near a thousand pages of immense erudition, giving a
full and true account of a certain squabble of wonderful
importance between himself and a bookseller: he is a
writer of infinite wit and humour; no man rallies
with a better grace and in more sprightly turns.
Farther, I avow to your highness that with these
eyes I have beheld the person of William Wotton, B.D.,
who has written a good sizeable volume against a
friend of your governor, (from whom, alas! he must
therefore look for little favour,) in a most gentlemanly
style, adorned with the utmost politeness and civility;
replete with discoveries equally valuable for their
novelty and use; and embellished with traits of wit,
THE EPISTLE DEDICATORY
9
so poignant and so apposite, that he is a worthy yoke-
mate to his forementioned friend.
Why should I go upon farther particulars, which
might fill a volume with the just eulogies of my con-
temporary brethren? I shall bequeath this piece of
justice to a larger work, wherein I intend to write a
character of the present set of wits in our nation :
their persons I shall describe particularly and at
length, their genius and understandings in miniature.
In the meantime, I do here make bold to present
your highness with a faithful abstract, drawn from the
universal body of all arts and sciences, intended
wholly for your service and instruction: nor do I
doubt in the least, but your highness will peruse it as
carefully, and make as considerable improvements, as
other young princes have already done, by the many
volumes of late years written for a help to their
studies.
That your highness may advance in wisdom and
virtue, as well as years, and at last outshine all your
royal ancestors, shall be the daily prayer of,
SIR,
Decemb.
1697.
your highness's
most devoted, &c.
THE INTRODUCTION
WHOEVER has an ambition to be heard in a crowd,
must press, and squeeze, and thrust, and climb, with
indefatigable pains, till he has exalted himself to a
certain degree of altitude above them. Now, in all
assemblies, though you wedge them ever so close, we
may observe this peculiar property, that over their
heads there is room enough, but how to reach it is the
difficult point; it being as hard to get quit of number,
as of hell:
Evadere ad auras,
Hoc opus, hic labor est.
To this end the philosopher's way, in all ages, has
been by erecting certain edifices in the air: but, what-
ever practice and reputation these kind of structures
have formerly possessed, or may still continue in, not
excepting even that of Socrates, when he was suspended
in a basket to help contemplation, I think, with due
submission, they seem to labour under two inconveni-
ences. First, That, the foundations being laid too
high, they have been often out of sight and ever
out of hearing. Secondly, That the materials, being
very transitory, have suffered much from inclemencies
of air, especially in these north-west regions.
Therefore, towards the just performance of this
THE INTRODUCTION
ΤΙ
great work, there remain but three methods that I can
think of; whereof the wisdom of our ancestors being
highly sensible has, to encourage all aspiring adven-
turers, thought fit to erect three wooden machines for
the use of those orators who desire to talk much with-
out interruption. These are the pulpit, the ladder, and
the stage itinerant. For as to the bar, though it be com-
pounded of the same matter, and designed for the
same use, it cannot, however, be well allowed the honour
of a fourth, by reason of its level or inferior situation
exposing it to perpetual interruption from collaterals.
Neither can the bench itself, though raised to a proper
eminency, put in a better claim, whatever its advocates
insist on. For, if they please to look into the original
design of its erection, and the circumstances or adjuncts
subservient to that design, they will soon acknowledge
the present practice exactly correspondent to the
primitive institution, and both to answer the etymology
of the name, which in the Phoenician tongue is a word
of great signification, importing, if literally interpreted,
the place of sleep; but, in common acceptation, a seat
well bolstered and cushioned for the repose of old and
gouty limbs senes ut in otia tuta recedant. Fortune
being indebted to them this part of retaliation, that,
as formerly they have long talked while others slept, so
now they may sleep as long while others talk.
But if no other argument could occur to exclude the
bench and the bar from the list of oratorial machines,
it were sufficent that the admission of them would
overthrow a number which I was resolved to establish,
whatever argument it might cost me; in imitation of
that prudent method observed by many other philo-
sophers and great clerks, whose chief art in division
12
A TALE OF A TUB
has been to grow fond of some proper mystical number,
which their imaginations have rendered sacred, to a
degree that they force common reason to find room for
it in every part of nature; reducing, including, and
adjusting, every genus and species within that compass,
by coupling some against their wills, and banishing
others at any rate. Now, among all the rest, the pro-
found number THREE is that which has most em-
ployed my sublimest speculations, nor ever without
wonderful delight. There is now in the press, and
will be published next term, a panegyrical essay of
mine upon this number; wherein I have, by most
convincing proofs, not only reduced the senses and the
elements under its banner, but brought over several
deserters from its two great rivals, SEVEN and
NINE.
Now, the first of these oratorial machines, in place as
well as dignity, is the pulpit. Of pulpits there are in
this island several sorts; but I esteem only that made
of timber from the sylva Caledonia, which agrees very
well with our climate. If it be upon its decay, it is
the better both for conveyance of sound, and for other
reasons to be mentioned by and by. The degree of per-
fection in shape and size, I take to consist in being ex-
tremely narrow, with little ornament, and, best of all,
without a cover, (for, by ancient rule, it ought to be
the only uncovered vessel in every assembly, where it
is rightfully used,) by which means, from its near
resemblance to a pillory, it will ever have a mighty
influence on human ears.
Of ladders I need say nothing: it is observed by
foreigners themselves, to the honour of our country,
that we excel all nations in our practice and under-
THE INTRODUCTION
13
standing of this machine. The ascending orators do
not only oblige their audience in the agreeable delivery,
but the whole world in the early publication, of their
speeches; which I look upon as the choicest treasury
of our British eloquence, and whereof, I am informed,
that worthy citizen and bookseller, Mr. John Dunton,
has made a faithful and painful collection, which
he shortly designs to publish, in twelve volumes in
folio, illustrated with copper-plates. A work highly
useful and curious, and altogether worthy of such a
hand.
The last engine of orators is the stage itinerant,
erected with much sagacity, sub Jove pluvio, in triviis
et quadriviis. It is the great seminary of the two
former, and its orators are sometimes preferred to the
one, and sometimes to the other, in proportion to their
deservings; there being a strict and perpetual inter-
course between all three.
From this accurate deduction it is manifest that for
obtaining attention in public there is of necessity re-
quired a superior position of place. But, although
this point be generally granted, yet the cause is little
agreed in; and it seems to me that very few philo-
sophers have fallen into a true, natural solution of this
phenomenon. The deepest account, and the most
fairly digested of any I have yet met with, is this:
that air being a heavy body, and therefore, according to
the system of Epicurus, continually descending, must
needs be more so, when loaded and pressed down by
words; which are also bodies of much weight and
gravity, as it is manifest from those deep impressions
they make and leave upon us; and therefore must
be delivered from a due altitude, or else they will
14
A TALE OF A TUB
neither carry a good aim, nor fall down with a sufficient
force.
Corporcam quoque enim vocem constare fatendum est,
Et sonitum, quoniam possunt impellere sensus.
-LUCR. Lib. iv.
And I am the readier to favour this conjecture, from
a common observation, that, in the several assemblies
of these orators, nature itself has instructed the hearers
to stand with their mouths open and erected parallel
to the horizon, so as they may be intersected by a per-
pendicular line from the zenith to the centre of the
earth. In which position, if the audience be well
compact, every one carries home a share, and little
or nothing is lost.
I confess, there is something yet more refined in the
contrivance and structure of our modern theatres. For,
first, the pit is sunk below the stage, with due regard
to the institution above deduced; that, whatever weighty
matter shall be delivered thence, whether it be lead
or gold, may fall plumb into the jaws of certain critics,
as I think they are called, which stand ready opened
to devour them. Then, the boxes are built round,
and raised to a level with the scene, in deference to the
ladies because that large portion of wit, laid out in
raising protuberances, is observed to run much upon a
line, and ever in a circle. The whining passions
and little starved conceits are gently wafted up, by
their own extreme levity, to the middle region, and
there fix and are frozen by the frigid understandings of
the inhabitants. Bombastry and buffoonery, by nature
lofty and light, soar highest of all, and would be lost in
the roof, if the prudent architect had not, with much
foresight, contrived for them a fourth place, called the
:
THE INTRODUCTION
15
twelve-penny gallery, and there planted a suitable
colony, who greedily intercept them in their passage.
Now this physico-logical scheme of oratorial re-
ceptacles or machines contains a great mystery; being
a type, a sign, an emblem, a shadow, a symbol, bear-
ing analogy to the spacious commonwealth of writers,
and to those methods by which they must exalt them-
selves to a certain eminency above the inferior world.
By the pulpit are adumbrated the writings of our
modern saints in great Britain, as they have spiritualised
and refined them from the dross and grossness of sense
and human reason. The matter, as we have said, is
of rotten wood; and that upon two considerations;
because it is the quality of rotten wood to give light in
the dark and secondly, because its cavities are full of
worms; which is a type with a pair of handles, having
a respect to the two principal qualifications of the
orator, and the two different fates attending upon his
works.
*
The ladder is an adequate symbol of faction, and of
poetry, to both of which so noble a number of authors
are indebted for their fame. Of faction because ****
Hiatus in MS. * * ** Of poetry, because its
orators do perorare with a song; and because, climbing
up by slow degrees, fate is sure to turn them off,
before they can reach within many steps of the
top; and because it is a preferment attained by trans-
ferring of property, and a confounding of meum and
tuum.
Under the stage itinerant are couched those pro-
ductions designed for the pleasure and delight of
mortal man; such as, Six-penny-worth of Wit, West-
minster Drolleries, Delightful Tales, Complete Jesters,
16
A TALE OF A TUB
and the like; by which the writers of and for GRUB
STREET have in these latter ages so nobly triumphed
over Time; have clipped his wings, pared his nails,
filed his teeth, turned back his hour-glass, blunted his
scythe, and drawn the hob-nails out of his shoes. It
is under this class I have presumed to list my present
treatise, being just come from having the honour con-
ferred upon me to be adopted a member of that illus-
trious fraternity.
Now, I am not unaware how the productions of the
Grub Street brotherhood have of late years fallen under
many prejudices, nor how it has been the perpetual
eniployment of two junior start-up societies to ridicule
them and their authors, as unworthy their established
post in the commonwealth of wit and learning. Their
own consciences will easily inform them whom I
mean; nor has the world been so negligent a looker-
on, as not to observe the continual efforts made by the
societies of Gresham and of Will's to edify a name and
reputation upon the ruin of OURS. And this is yet a
more feeling grief to us, upon the regards of tenderness
as well as of justice, when we reflect on their proceed.
ings not only as unjust, but as ungrateful, undutiful,
and unnatural. For how can it be forgot by the world
or themselves, to say nothing of our own records, which
are full and clear in the point, that they both are
seminaries, not only of our planting, but our watering
too? I am informed, our two rivals have lately made
an offer to enter into the lists with united forces, and
challenge us to a comparison of books, both as to
weight and number. In return to which, with licence
from our president, I humbly offer two answers: first,
we say, the proposal is like that which Archimedes
THE INTRODUCTION
17
made upon a smaller affair, including an impossibility
in the practice; for where can they find scales of
capacity enough for the first, or an arithmetician of
capacity enough for the second? Secondly, we are
ready to accept the challenge; but with this condition,
that a third indifferent person be assigned, to whose
impartial judgment it should be left to decide which
society each book, treatise, or pamphlet, do most
properly belong to. This point, God knows, is very
far from being fixed at present; for we are ready to
produce a catalogue of some thousands, which in all
common justice ought to be entitled to our fraternity,
but by the revolted and new-fangled writers [are] most
perfidiously ascribed to the others. Upon all which,
we think it very unbecoming our prudence that the
determination should be remitted to the authors them-
selves; when our adversaries, by briguing and cabal-
ling, have caused so universal a defection from us, that
the greatest part of our society has already deserted to
them, and our nearest friends begin to stand aloof, as
if they were half ashamed to own us.
This is the utmost I am authorised to say upon so
ungrateful and melancholy a subject; because we are
extreme unwilling to inflame a controversy whose con-
tinuance may be so fatal to the interests of us all, desir-
ing much rather that things be amicably composed;
and we shall so far advance on our side, as to be ready
to receive the two prodigals with open arms whenever
they shall think fit to return from their husks; and, like
an indulgent parent, continue to them our affection and
our blessing.
But the greatest maim given to that general recep-
tion which the writings of our society have formerly
с
18
A TALE OF A TUB
received, next to the transitory state of all sublunary
things, has been a superficial vein among many readers
of the present age, who will by no means be per-
suaded to inspect beyond the surface and the rind of
things; whereas, wisdom is a fox, who, after long
hunting, will at last cost you the pains to dig out; it is a
cheese, which, by how much the richer, has the thicker,
the homelier, and the coarser coat, and whereof to a
judicious palate the maggots are the best; it is a sack-
posset, wherein the deeper you go, you will find it the
sweeter. Wisdom is a hen, whose cackling we must
value and consider, because it is attended with an egg;
but then, lastly, it is a nut, which, unless you choose
with judgment, may cost you a tooth, and pay you
with nothing but a worm. In consequence of these
momentous truths, the grubæan sages have always
chosen to convey their precepts and their arts shut up
within the vehicles of types and fables; which having
been perhaps more careful and curious in adorning
than was altogether necessary, it has fared with these
vehicles, after the usual fate of coaches over-finely
painted and gilt, that the transitory gazers have so
dazzled their eyes and filled their imaginations with
the outward lustre, as neither to regard nor consider the
person or the parts of the owner within. A misfortune
we undergo with somewhat less reluctancy, because it
has been common to us with Pythagoras, Esop,
Socrates, and other of our predecessors.
However, that neither the world nor ourselves may
any longer suffer by such misunderstandings, I have
been prevailed on, after much importunity from my
friends, to travel in a complete and laborious disser-
tation upon the prime productions of our society; which,
THE INTRODUCTION
19
besides their beautiful externals for the gratification of
superficial readers, have darkly and deeply couched
under them the most finished and refined systems
of all sciences and arts; as I do not doubt to lay open
by untwisting or unwinding, and either to draw up by
exantlation, or display by incision.
WHAT IS MAN BUT A MICRO-COAT?
[FROM SECTION THE SECOND.]
ABOUT this time it happened a sect arose, whose
tenets obtained and spread very far, especially in the
grand monde, and among every body of good fashion.
They worshipped a sort of idol, who, as their doctrine
delivered, did daily create men by a kind of manu-
factory operation. This idol they placed in the
highest part of the house, on an altar erected about
three foot he was shown in the posture of a Per-
sian emperor, sitting on a superficies, with his legs
interwoven under him. This god had a goose for his
ensign whence it is that some learned men pretend
to deduce his original from Jupiter Capitolinus. At
his left hand, beneath the altar, hell seemed to open,
and catch at the animals the idol was creating; to
prevent which, certain of his priests hourly flung in
pieces of the uninformed mass, or substance, and
sometimes whole limbs already enlivened, which that
horrid gulf insatiably swallowed, terrible to behold.
The goose was also held a subaltern divinity, or deus
minorum gentium, before whose shrine was sacrificed
that creature whose hourly food is human gore, and
who is in so great renown abroad, for being the delight
and favourite of the Egyptian Cercopithecus. Mil-
WHAT IS MAN BUT A MICRO-COAT?
21
lions of these animals were cruelly slaughtered every
day, to appease the hunger of that consuming deity.
The chief idol was also worshipped as the inventor of
the yard and needle; whether as the god of seamen,
or on account of certain other mystical attributes, has
not been sufficiently cleared.
The worshippers of this deity had also a system of
their belief, which seemed to turn upon the following
fundamentals. They held the universe to be a large
suit of clothes, which invests everything: that the
earth is invested by the air; the air is invested by the
stars; and the stars are invested by the primum
mobile. Look on this globe of earth, you will find it
to be a very complete and fashionable dress. What
is that which some call land, but a fine coat faced with
green? or the sea, but a waistcoat of water-tabby?
Proceed to the particular works of the creation, you
will find how curious journeyman Nature has been to
trim up the vegetable beaux; observe how sparkish a
periwig adorns the head of a beech, and what a fine
doublet of white satin is worn by the birch. To
conclude from all, what is man himself but a micro-
coat, or rather a complete suit of clothes with all its
trimmings? as to his body there can be no dispute ;
but examine even the acquirements of his mind, you
will find them all contribute in their order towards
furnishing out an exact dress: to instance no more,
is not religion a cloak, honesty a pair of shoes worn
out in the dirt, self-love a surtout, vanity a shirt, and
conscience a pair of breeches?
These postulata being admitted, it will follow in
due course of reasoning that those beings, which the
world calls improperly suits of clothes, are in reality
22
A TALE OF A TUB
the most refined species of animals; or, to proceed
higher, that they are rational creatures, or men.
For
is it not manifest that they live, and move, and talk,
and perform all other offices of human life? are not
beauty, and wit, and mien, and breeding, their
inseparable proprieties? in short, we see nothing but
them, hear nothing but them. Is it not they who walk
the streets, fill up parliament-, coffee-, play-houses?
It is true, indeed, that these animals, which are
vulgarly called suits of clothes, or dresses, do, accord-
ing to certain compositions, receive different appella-
tions. If one of them be trimmed up with a gold
chain, and a red gown, and a white rod, and a great
horse, it is called a lord mayor; if certain ermines and
furs be placed in a certain position, we style them a
judge; and so an apt conjunction of lawn and black
satin we entitle a bishop.
Others of these professors, though agreeing in the
main system, were yet more refined upon certain
branches of it; and held that man was an animal
compounded of two dresses, the natural and celestial
suit, which were the body and the soul: that the soul
was the outward, and the body the inward clothing;
that the latter was ex traduce, but the former of daily
creation and circumfusion; this last they proved by
scripture, because in them we live, and move, and
have our being; as likewise by philosophy, because
they are all in all, and all in every part. Besides, said
they, separate these two and you will find the body to
be only a senseless unsavoury carcase. By all which it
is manifest that the outward dress must needs be the
soul.
To this system of religion were tagged several
WHAT IS MAN BUT A MICRO-COAT?
23
subaltern doctrines, which were entertained with great
vogue; as particularly, the faculties of the mind were
deduced by the learned among them in this manner :
embroidery was sheer wit, gold fringe was agreeable
conversation, gold lace was repartee, a huge long
periwig was humour, and a coat full of powder was
very good raillery: all which required abundance of
finesse and delicatesse to manage with advantage, as
well as a strict observance after times and fashions.
I have, with much pains and reading, collected out
of ancient authors this short summary of a body of
philosophy and divinity, which seems to have been
composed by a vein and race of thinking, very different
from any other systems either ancient or modern.
And it was not merely to entertain or satisfy the
reader's curiosity, but rather to give him light into
several circumstances of the following story; that,
knowing the state of dispositions and opinions in an
age so remote, he may better comprehend those great
events which were the issue of them. I advise,
therefore, the courteous reader to peruse with a world
of application, again and again, whatever I have
written upon this matter. And leaving these broken
ends, I carefully gather up the chief thread of my story,
and proceed.
These opinions, therefore, were so universal, as well
as the practices of them, among the refined part of
court and town, that our three brother-adventurers, as
their circumstances then stood, were strangely at a
loss. For, on the one side, the three ladies they
addressed themselves to were ever at the very top of
the fashion, and abhorred all that were below it but the
breadth of a hair. On the other side, their father's will
{
*
Z
24
A TALE OF A TUB
:
was very precise; and it was the main precept in it, with
the greatest penalties annexed, not to add to or
diminish from their coats one thread, without a
positive command in the will. Now, the coats their
father had left them were, it is true, of very good
cloth, and, besides, so neatly sewn, you would swear
they were all of a piece; but at the same time very
plain, and with little or no ornament: and it hap-
pened that before they were a month in town great
shoulder-knots came up: straight all the world was
shoulder-knots; no approaching the ladies' ruelles
without the quota of shoulder-knots. That fellow,
cries one, has no soul; where is his shoulder-knot?
Our three brethren soon discovered their want by sad
experience, meeting in their walks with forty mortifi-
cations and indignities. If they went to the play-
house, the door-keeper showed them into the twelve-
penny gallery. If they called a boat, says a waterman,
I am first sculler. If they stepped to the Rose to
take a bottle, the drawer would cry, Friend, we sell
no ale. If they went to visit a lady, a footman met
them at the door with, Pray send up your message.
In this unhappy case, they went immediately to consult
their father's will, read it over and over, but not a
word of the shoulder-knot. What should they do?
what temper should they find? obedience was abso-
lutely necessary, and yet shoulder-knots appeared
extremely requisite. After much thought, one of the
brothers, who happened to be more book-learned than
the other two, said, he had found an expedient. It is
true, said he, there is nothing here in this will, totidem
verbis, making mention of shoulder-knots: but I dare
conjecture, we may find them inclusive, or totidem
WHAT IS MAN BUT A MICRO-COAT? 25
syllabis. This distinction was immediately approved
by all; and so they fell again to examine; but their
evil star had so directed the matter, that the first
syllable was not to be found in the whole writings.
Upon which disappointment, he who found the former
evasion took heart, and said: Brothers, there are yet
hopes; for though we cannot find them totidem verbis,
nor totidem syllabis, I dare engage we shall make them
out tertio modo, or totidem literis. This discovery was
also highly commended, upon which they fell once
more to the scrutiny, and picked out S,H,O,U,
L,D,E,R; when the same planet, enemy to their
repose, had wonderfully contrived that a K was not
to be found. Here was a weighty difficulty! but the
distinguishing brother, for whom we shall hereafter
find a name, now his hand was in, proved by a very
good argument that K was a modern illegitimate
letter, unknown to the learned ages, nor anywhere to
be found in ancient manuscripts. Calendæ hath in
Q. V. C. been sometimes written with a K, but errone-
ously; for in the best copies it is ever spelt with a C.
And by consequence it was a gross mistake in our lan-
guage to spell knot with a K; but that from hence-
forward he would take care it should be written with a
C. Upon this all farther difficulty vanished; shoulder-
knots were made clearly out to be jure paterno: and
our three gentlemen swaggered with as large and as
flaunting ones as the best.
3:
A DIGRESSION IN PRAISE OF
DIGRESSIONS
I HAVE Sometimes heard of an Iliad in a nut-shell;
but it has been my fortune to have much oftener seen
a nut-shell in an Iliad. There is no doubt that human
life has received most wonderful advantages from both;
but to which of the two the world is chiefly indebted,
I shall leave among the curious, as a problem worthy
of their utmost inquiry. For the invention of the
latter, I think the commonwealth of learning is chiefly
obliged to the great modern improvement of digres-
sions: the late refinements in knowledge running
parallel to those of diet in our nation, which, among
men of a judicious taste, are dressed up in various
compounds, consisting in soups and olios, fricassees
and ragouts.
It is true, there is a sort of morose, detracting, ill-
bred people, who pretend utterly to disrelish these
polite innovations; and as to the similitude from
diet, they allow the parallel, but are so bold to pro-
nounce the example itself a corruption and degeneracy
of taste. They tell us that the fashion of jumbling
fifty things together in a dish was at first introduced,
in compliance to a depraved and debauched appetite,
as well as to a crazy constitution: and to see a man
A DIGRESSION IN PRAISE OF DIGRESSIONS
27
hunting through an olio after the head and brains of a
goose, a widgeon, or a woodcock, is a sign he wants
a stomach and digestion for more substantial victuals.
Farther, they affirm that digressions in a book are
like foreign troops in a state, which argue the nation
to want a heart and hands of its own, and often either
subdue the natives, or drive them into the most un-
fruitful corners.
But, after all that can be objected by these super-
cilious censors, it is manifest the society of writers
would quickly be reduced to a very inconsiderable
number, if men were put upon making books with the
fatal confinement of delivering nothing beyond what
is to the purpose.
It is acknowledged, that were the
case the same among us, as with the Greeks and
Romans, when learning was in its cradle, to be reared,
and fed, and clothed, by invention, it would be an
easy task to fill up volumes upon particular occasions,
without farther expatiating from the subjects than by
moderate excursions, helping to advance or clear the
main design. But with knowledge it has fared as
with a numerous army, encamped in a fruitful country;
which, for a few days, maintains itself by the product
of the soil it is on; till, provisions being spent, they
are sent to forage many a mile, among friends or
enemies, it matters not. Meanwhile, the neighbouring
fields, trampled and beaten down, become barren and
dry, affording no sustenance but clouds of dust.
The whole course of things being thus entirely
changed between us and the ancients, and the moderns
wisely sensible of it, we of this age have discovered a
shorter and more prudent method to become scholars
and wits, without the fatigue of reading or of thinking.
28
A TALE OF A TUB
:
The most accomplished way of using books at present
is two-fold either, first, to serve them as some men
do lords, learn their titles exactly, and then brag of
their acquaintance; or, secondly, which is indeed the
choicer, the profounder, and politer method, to get a
thorough insight into the index, by which the whole
book is governed and turned, like fishes by the tail.
For, to enter the palace of learning at the great gate
requires an expense of time and forms; therefore men
of much haste and little ceremony are content to get
in by the back door. For the arts are all in flying
march, and therefore more easily subdued by attacking
them in the rear. Thus men catch knowledge by
throwing their wit on the posteriors of a book, as boys
do sparrows with flinging salt upon their tails. Thus
human life is best understood by the wise man's rule
of regarding the end. Thus are the sciences found,
like Hercules's oxen, by tracing them backwards.
Thus are old sciences unravelled, like old stockings,
by beginning at the foot. Besides all this, the army
of the sciences has been of late, with a world of martial
discipline, drawn into its close order, so that a view
or a muster may be taken of it with abundance of
expedition. For this great blessing we are wholly in-
debted to systems and abstracts, in which the modern
fathers of learning, like prudent usurers, spent their
sweat for the ease of us their children. For labour
is the seed of idleness, and it is the peculiar happiness
of our noble age to gather the fruit.
Now, the method of growing wise, learned, and
sublime, having become so regular an affair, and so
established in all its forms, the number of writers
must needs have increased accordingly, and to a pitch.
A DIGRESSION IN PRAISE OF DIGRESSIONS 29
that has made it of absolute necessity for them to
interfere continually with each other. Besides, it is
reckoned that there is not at this present a sufficient
quantity of new matter left in nature to furnish and
adorn any one particular subject to the extent of a
volume. This I am told by a very skilful computer,
who has given a full demonstration of it from rules of
arithmetic. What remains, therefore, but that our last
recourse must be had to large indexes and little com-
pendiums? quotations must be plentifully gathered,
and booked in alphabet; to this end, though authors
need be little consulted, yet critics, and commentators,
and lexicons, carefully must. But, above all, those
judicious collectors of bright parts, and flowers, and
observandas, are to be nicely dwelt on; by some called
the sieves and bolters of learning, though it is left
undetermined whether they dealt in pearls or meal, and
consequently, whether we are more to value that
which passed through, or what staid behind.
By these methods, in a few weeks, there starts up
many a writer capable of managing the profoundest
and most universal subjects. For, what though his
head be empty, provided his commonplace-book be
full; and if you will bate him but the circumstances of
method, and style, and grammar, and invention; allow
him but the common privileges of transcribing from
others, and digressing from himself, as often as he
shall see occasion; he will desire no more ingredients
towards fitting up a treatise that shall make a very
comely figure on a bookseller's shelf; there to be
preserved neat and clean for a long eternity, adorned
with the heraldry of its title fairly inscribed on a
label; never to be thumbed or greased by students,
30
A TALE OF A TUB
nor bound to everlasting chains of darkness in a
library: but, when the fulness of time is come, shall
happily undergo the trial of purgatory, in order to
ascend the sky.
Without these allowances, how is it possible we
modern wits should ever have an opportunity to intro-
duce our collections, listed under so many thousand
heads of a different nature; for want of which, the
learned world would be deprived of infinite delight, as
well as instruction, and we ourselves buried beyond
redress in an inglorious and undistinguished oblivion?
From such elements as these, I am alive to behold
the day wherein the corporation of authors can outvie
all its brethren in the guild. A happiness derived to
us, with a great many others, from our Scythian
ancestors; among whom the number of pens was so
infinite, that the Grecian eloquence had no other way
of expressing it than by saying that in the regions far
to the north it was hardly possible for a man to travel,
the very air was so replete with feathers.
The necessity of this digression will easily excuse
the length; and I have chosen for it as proper a place
as I could readily find. If the judicious reader can
assign a fitter, I do here impower him to remove it
into any other corner he pleases.
A
DIGRESSION CONCERNING
ORIGINAL, THE USE, AND IMPROVE-
MENT OF MADNESS IN A COMMON-
WEALTH
THE
NOR shall it any ways detract from the just reputation
of this famous sect [of the Aeolists], that its rise and
institution are owing to such an author as I have
described Jack to be; a person whose intellectuals
were overturned, and his brain shaken out of its
natural position; which we commonly suppose to be
a distemper, and call by the name of madness or
phrensy. For, if we take a survey of the greatest
actions that have been performed in the world under
the influence of single men; which are, the establish-
ment of new empires by conquest; the advance and
progress of new schemes in philosophy; and the con-
triving, as well as the propagating, of new religions;
we shall find the authors of them all to have been
persons whose natural reason had admitted great
revolutions, from their diet, their education, the pre-
valency of some certain temper, together with the
particular influence of air and climate. Besides, there
is something individual in human minds, that easily
kindles at the accidental approach and collision of
certain circumstances, which, though of paltry and
mean appearance, do often flame out into the greatest
32
A TALE OF A TUB
emergencies of life. For great turns are not always
given by strong hands, but by lucky adaption, and
at proper seasons; and it is of no import where the
fire was kindled, if the vapour has once got up into the
brain. For the upper region of man is furnished like
the middle region of the air: the materials are formed
from causes of the widest difference, yet produce at last
the same substance and effect. Mists arise from the
earth, steams from dunghills, exhalations from the sea,
and smoke from fire; yet all clouds are the same in
composition as well as consequences. Thus far, I
suppose, will easily be granted me: and then it will
follow that, as the face of nature never produces rain
but when it is overcast and disturbed, so human
understanding, seated in the brain, must be troubled
and overspread by vapours ascending from the lower
faculties to water the invention and render it fruitful.
Let us next examine the great introducers of new
schemes in philosophy, and search till we can find from
what faculty of the soul the disposition arises in mortal
man of taking it into his head to advance new systems,
with such an eager zeal, in things agreed on all
hands impossible to be known: from what seeds this
disposition springs, and to what quality of human
nature these grand innovators have been indebted for
their number of disciples. Because it is plain that
several of the chief among them, both ancient and
modern, were usually mistaken by their adversaries,
and indeed by all except their own followers, to have
been persons crazed, or out of their wits; having
generally proceeded, in the common course of their
words and actions, by a method very different from
the vulgar dictates of unrefined reason; agreeing for
OF MADNESS IN A COMMONWEALTH
33
the most part in their several models with their present
undoubted successors in the academy of modern
Bedlam; whose merits and principles I shall farther
examine in due place. Of this kind were Epicurus,
Diogenes, Apollonius, Lucretius, Paracelsus, Descartes,
and others; who, if they were now in the world, tied
fast, and separate from their followers, would, in this
our undistinguishing age, incur manifest danger of
phlebotomy, and whips, and chains, and dark cham-
bers, and straw. For what man, in the natural state
or course of thinking, did ever conceive it in his power
to reduce the notions of all mankind exactly to the
same length, and breadth, and height of his own? yet
this is the first humble and civil design of all innovators
in the empire of reason. Epicurus modestly hoped
that, one time or other, a certain fortuitous concourse
of all men's opinions, after perpetual justlings, the
sharp with the smooth, the light and the heavy, the
round and the square, would by certain clinamina
unite in the notions of atoms and void, as these did in
the originals of all things. Cartesius reckoned to see,
before he died, the sentiments of all philosophers, like
so many lesser stars in his romantic system, wrapped
and drawn within his own vortex. Now, I would
gladly be informed how it is possible to account for
such imaginations as these in particular men, without
recourse to my phenomenon of vapours ascending from
the lower faculties to overshadow the brain, and there
distilling into conceptions for which the narrowness of
our mother-tongue has not yet assigned any other name
besides that of madness or phrensy. Let us therefore
now conjecture how it comes to pass that none of these
great prescribers do ever fail providing themselves and
D
1
A TALE OF A TUB
34
their notions with a number of implicit disciples. And,
I think, the reason is easy to be assigned: for there is
a peculiar string in the harmony of human understand-
ing, which, in several individuals, is exactly of the same
tuning. This if you can dexterously screw up to its
right key, and then strike gently upon it, whenever
you have the good fortune to light among those of the
same pitch, they will, by a secret necessary sympathy,
strike exactly at the same time. And in this one
circumstance lies all the skill or luck of the matter;
for, if you chance to jar the string among those who
are either above or below your own height, instead of
subscribing to your doctrine, they will tie you fast, call
you mad, and feed you with bread and water. It is
therefore a point of the nicest conduct to distinguish
and adapt this noble talent with respect to the diffe-
rences of persons and of times. Cicero understood this
very well, [who,] when writing to a friend in England,
with a caution, among other matters, to beware of
being cheated by our hackney-coachmen, (who, it
seems, in those days were as arrant rascals as they are
now,) has these remarkable words: Est quod gaudeas
te in ista loca venisse, ubi aliquid sapere vidercre. For,
to speak a bold truth, it is a fatal miscarriage so ill to
order affairs, as to pass for a fool in one company,
when in another you might be treated as a philosopher.
Which I desire some certain gentlemen of my acquain-
tance to lay up in their hearts, as a very seasonable
innuendo.
This, indeed, was the fatal mistake of that worthy
gentleman, my most ingenious friend, Mr. Wotton; a
person, in appearance, ordained for great designs as
well as performances: whether you will consider his
OF MADNESS IN A COMMONWEALTH
35
notions or his looks, surely no man ever advanced into
the public with fitter qualifications of body and mind
for the propagation of a new religion. O, had those
happy talents, misapplied to vain philosophy, been
turned into their proper channels of dreams and
visions, where distortion of mind and countenance are
of such sovereign use, the base detracting world would
not then have dared to report that something is amiss,
that his brain has undergone an unlucky shake; which
even his brother modernists themselves, like ungrates,
do whisper so loud, that it reaches up to the very
garret I am now writing in!
Lastly, whosoever pleases to look into the fountains
of enthusiasm, from whence, in all ages, have eternally
proceeded such fattening streams, will find the spring-
head to have been as troubled and muddy as the
current of such great emolument is a tincture of this
vapour, which the world calls madness, that without
its help the world would not only be deprived of those
two great blessings, conquests and systems, but even
all mankind would unhappily be reduced to the same
belief in things invisible. Now, the former postulatum
being held, that it is of no import from what originals
this vapour proceeds, but either in what angles it
strikes and spreads over the understanding, or upon
what species of brain it ascends; it will be a very
delicate point to cut the feather, and divide the
several reasons to a nice and curious reader, how this
numerical difference in the brain can produce effects
of so vast a difference from the same vapour, as to be
the sole point of individuation between Alexander the
Great, Jack of Leyden, and Monsieur Descartes.
The present argument is the most abstracted that ever
36
A TALE OF A TUB
I engaged in; it strains my faculties to their highest
stretch and I desire the reader to attend with the
utmost perpensity; for I now proceed to unravel this
knotty point.
There is in mankind a certain
*
*
Hic multa desiderantur.
*
*
*
*
And this I take to be a clear solution of the
matter.
Having therefore so narrowly passed through this
intricate difficulty, the reader will, I am sure, agree
with me in the conclusion, that if the moderns mean
by madness only a disturbance or transposition of the
brain, by force of certain vapours issuing up from the
lower faculties, then has this madness been the parent
of all those mighty revolutions that have happened in
empire, in philosophy, and in religion. For the brain,
in its natural position and state of serenity, disposes its
owner to pass his life in the common forms, without
any thoughts of subduing multitudes to his own power,
his reasons, or his visions; and the more he shapes his
understanding by the pattern of human learning, the
less he is inclined to form parties after his particular
notions; because that instructs him in his private
infirmities, as well as in the stubborn ignorance of the
people. But when a man's fancy gets astride on his
reason; when imagination is at cuffs with the senses,
and common understanding, as well as common sense,
is kicked out of doors; the first proselyte he makes
is himself; and when that is once compassed, the
difficulty is not so great in bringing over others;
a strong delusion always operating from without as
vigorously as from within. For cant and vision are,
OF MADNESS IN A COMMONWEALTH
37
to the ear and the eye, the same that tickling is to the
touch. Those entertainments and pleasures we most
value in life are such as dupe and play the wag with
the senses. For, if we take an examination of what is
generally understood by happiness, as it has respect
either to the understanding or the senses, we shall find
all its properties and adjuncts will herd under this
short definition, that it is a perpetual possession of
being well deceived. And, first, with relation to the
mind or understanding, it is manifest what mighty
advantages fiction has over truth; and the reason is
just at our elbow, because imagination can build
nobler scenes, and produce more wonderful revolutions,
than fortune or nature will be at expense to furnish.
Nor is mankind so much to blame in his choice thus
determining him, if we consider that the debate merely
lies between things past and things conceived: and so
the question is only this, whether things that have
place in the imagination may not as properly be said
to exist, as those that are seated in the memory; which
may be justly held in the affirmative, and very much
to the advantage of the former, since this is acknow-
ledged to be the womb of things, and the other
allowed to be no more than the grave. Again, if we
take this definition of happiness, and examine it with
reference to the senses, it will be acknowledged
wonderfully adapt. How fading and insipid do all
objects accost us that are not conveyed in the vehicle.
of delusion! how shrunk is everything as it appears
in the glass of nature! so that, if it were not for the
assistance of artificial mediums, false lights, refracted
angles, varnish and tinsel, there would be a mighty
level in the felicity and enjoyments of mortal men.
38
A TALE OF A TUB
If this were seriously considered by the world, as I
have a certain reason to suspect it hardly will, men
would no longer reckon among their high points of
wisdom the art of exposing weak sides and publishing
infirmities; an employment, in my opinion, neither
better nor worse than that of unmasking, which, I
think, has never been allowed fair usage, either in the
world or the playhouse.
In the proportion that credulity is a more peaceful
possession of the mind than curiosity; so far preferable
is that wisdom which converses about the surface, to
that pretended philosophy which enters into the depth
of things, and then comes gravely back with inforına-
tions and discoveries that in the inside they are good
for nothing. The two senses, to which all objects first
address themselves, are the sight and the touch; these
never examine farther than the colour, the shape, the
size, and whatever other qualities dwell or are drawn by
art upon the outward of bodies; and then comes reason
officiously with tools for cutting, and opening, and
mangling, and piercing, offering to demonstrate that
they are not of the same consistence quite through.
Now I take all this to be the last degree of perverting
nature; one of whose eternal laws it is, to put her best
furniture forward. And therefore, in order to save the
charges of all such expensive anatomy for the time to
come, I do here think fit to inform the reader that, in
such conclusions as these, reason is certainly in the
right; and that, in most corporeal beings which have
fallen under my cognizance, the outside has been in-
finitely preferable to the in: whereof I have been
farther convinced from some late experiments. Last
week I saw a woman flayed, and you will hardly
OF MADNESS IN A COMMONWEALTH
39
believe how much it altered her person for the worse.
Yesterday I ordered the carcase of a beau to be stripped
in my presence; when we were all amazed to find so
many unsuspected faults under one suit of clothes.
Then I laid open his brain, his heart, and his spleen :
but I plainly perceived at every operation, that the
farther we proceeded we found the defects increase
upon us in number and bulk: from all which, I justly
formed this conclusion to myself, that whatever philo-
sopher or projector can find out an art to solder and
patch up the flaws and imperfections of nature, will
deserve much better of mankind, and teach us a more
useful science, than that so much in present esteem of
widening and exposing them, like him who held ana-
tomy to be the ultimate end of physic. And he whose
fortunes and dispositions have placed him in a con-
venient station to enjoy the fruits of this noble art; he
that can, with Epicurus, content his ideas with the
films and images that fly off upon his senses from the
superficies of things; such a man, truly wise, creams
off nature, leaving the sour and the dregs for philo-
sophy and reason to lap up. This is the sublime and
refined point of felicity, called the possession of being
well deceived; the serene peaceful state of being a
fool among knaves.
But to return to madness. It is certain that, ac-
cording to the system I have above deduced, every
species thereof proceeds from a redundancy of va-
pours; therefore, as some kinds of phrensy give double
strength to the sinews, so there are of other species
which add vigour, and life, and spirit to the brain :
now, it usually happens that these active spirits, getting
possession of the brain, resemble those that haunt
40
A TALE OF A TUB
other waste and empty dwellings, which, for want of
business, either vanish and carry away a piece of the
house, or else stay at home and fling it all out of the
windows. By which are mystically displayed the two
principal branches of madness, and which some philo-
sophers, not considering so well as I, have mistaken to
be different in their causes, over hastily assigning
the first to deficiency, and the other to redundance.
I think it therefore manifest, from what I have here
advanced, that the main point of skill and address is
to furnish employment for this redundancy of vapour,
and prudently to adjust the season of it; by which
means it may certainly become of cardinal and catholic
emolument in a commonwealth. Thus one man,
choosing a proper juncture, leaps into a gulf, thence
proceeds a hero, and is called the saviour of his
country; another achieves the same enterprise, but,
unluckily timing it, has left the brand of madness
fixed as a reproach upon his memory: upon so nice a
distinction are we taught to repeat the name of Curtius
with reverence and love; that of Empedocles with
hatred and contempt. Thus also it is usually con-
ceived that the elder Brutus only personated the fool
and madman for the good of the public; but this was
nothing else than a redundancy of the same vapour
long misapplied, called by the Latins ingenium par
negotiis; or, to translate it as nearly as I can, a sort of
phrensy, never in its right element till you take it up
in the business of the state.
Upon all which, and many other reasons of equal
weight, though not equally curious, I do here gladly
embrace an opportunity I have long sought for of
recommending it as a very noble undertaking to sir
OF MADNESS IN A COMMONWEALTH
41
Edward Seymour, sir Christopher Musgrave, sir John
Bowles, John Howe, esq., and other patriots con-
cerned, that they would move for leave to bring in a
bill for appointing commissioners to inspect into
Bedlam and the parts adjacent; who shall be em-
powered to send for persons, papers, and records; to
examine into the merits and qualifications of every
student and professor; to observe with utmost exact-
ness their several dispositions and behaviour; by
which means, duly distinguishing and adapting their
talents, they might produce admirable instruments for
the several offices in a state, [ecclesiastical], civil, and
military; proceeding in such methods as I shall here
humbly propose. And I hope the gentle reader will
give some allowance to my great solicitudes in this
important affair, upon account of the high esteem I
have borne that honourable society, whereof I had
some time the happiness to be an unworthy member.
Is any student tearing his straw in piecemeal, swear-
ing and blaspheming, biting his grate, foaming at the
mouth? let the right worshipful the commissioners of
inspection give him a regiment of dragoons, and send
him into Flanders among the rest. Is another
eternally talking, sputtering, gaping, bawling in a
sound without period or article? what wonderful
talents are here mislaid! let him be furnished immedi-
ately with a green bag and papers, and threepence in
his pocket, and away with him to Westminster-Hall.
You will find a third gravely taking the dimensions of
his kennel; a person of foresight and insight, though
kept quite in the dark; for why, like Moses, ecce
cornuta erat ejus facies. He walks duly in one pace,
entreats your penny with due gravity and ceremony;
42
A TALE OF A TUB
talks much of hard times and taxes; bars up the
wooden window of his cell constantly at eight o'clock;
dreams of fire, and shop-lifters, and court-customers,
and privileged places. Now, what a figure would all
these acquirements amount to, if the owner were sent
into the city among his brethren! Behold a fourth, in
much and deep conversation with himself, biting his
thumbs at proper junctures; his countenance checkered
with business and design; sometimes walking very fast,
with his eyes nailed to a paper that he holds in his
hands a great saver of time, somewhat thick of hear-
ing, very short of sight, but more of memory; a man
ever in haste, a great hatcher and breeder of business,
and excellent at the famous art of whispering nothing;
a huge idolater of monosyllables and procrastination;
so ready to give his word to everybody, that he never
keeps it; one that has forgot the common meaning of
words, but an admirable retainer of the sound. If you
approach his grate in his familiar intervals, Sir, says he,
give me a penny, and I'll sing you a song: but give
me the penny first. (Hence comes the common saying,
and commoner practice, of parting with money for a
song.) What a complete system of court skill is here
described in every branch of it, and all utterly lost with
wrong application! Another student struts up fiercely
to your teeth, puffing with his lips, half squeezing out
his eyes, and very graciously holds you out his hand to
kiss. The keeper desires you not to be afraid of this
professor, for he will do you no hurt to him alone is
allowed the liberty of the antechamber, and the orator
of the place gives you to understand that this solemn
person is a tailor run mad with pride. This consider-
able student is adorned with many other qualities,
OF MADNESS IN A COMMONWEALTH
43
upon which at present I shall not farther enlarge.
Hark in your ear-I am strangely mistaken if all his
address, his motions, and his airs, would not then be
very natural, and in their proper element.
I shall not descend so minutely as to insist upon the
vast number of beaux, fiddlers, poets, and politicians,
that the world might recover by such a reformation;
but what is more material, beside the clear gain
redounding to the commonwealth by so large an
acquisition of persons to employ, whose talents and
acquirements, if I may be so bold as to affirm it, are
now buried or at least misapplied; it would be a
mighty advantage accruing to the public from this
inquiry, that all these would very much excel, and
arrive at great perfection, in their several kinds;
which, I think, is manifest from what I have already
shown, and shall enforce by this one plain instance :
that even I myself, the author of these momentous
truths, am a person whose imaginations are hard-
mouthed and exceedingly disposed to run away with
his reason, which I have observed, from long experi-
ence, to be a very light rider and easily shaken off; upon
which account my friends will never trust me alone,
without a solemn promise to vent my speculations in
this or the like manner, for the universal benefit of
human kind; which perhaps the gentle, courteous,
and candid reader, brimful of that modern charity and
tenderness usually annexed to his office, will be very
hardly persuaded to believe.
FROM
A FARTHER DIGRESSION
IF the reader fairly considers the strength of what I
have advanced in the foregoing section, I am convinced
it will produce a wonderful revolution in his notions
and opinions; and he will be abundantly better pre-
pared to receive and to relish the concluding part of
this miraculous treatise. Readers may be divided
into three classes-the superficial, the ignorant, and
the learned and I have with much felicity fitted my
pen to the genius and advantage of each. The super-
ficial reader will be strangely provoked to laughter;
which clears the breast and the lungs, is sovereign
against the spleen, and the most innocent of all
diuretics. The ignorant reader, between whom and
the former the distinction is extremely nice, will
find himself disposed to stare; which is an admirable
remedy for ill eyes, serves to raise and enliven the
spirits, and wonderfully helps perspiration. But the
reader truly learned, chiefly for whose benefit I wake
when others sleep, and sleep when others wake, will
here find sufficient matter to employ his speculations
for the rest of his life. It were much to be wished,
and I do here humbly propose for an experiment, that
every prince in Christendom will take seven of the
deepest scholars in his dominions, and shut them up
close for seven years in seven chambers, with a com-
mand to write seven ample commentaries on this
A FARTHER DIGRESSION
45
comprehensive discourse. I shall venture to affirm
that, whatever difference may be found in their
several conjectures, they will be all, without the least.
distortion, manifestly deducible from the text. Mean-
time, it is my earnest request that so useful an under-
taking may be entered upon, if their majesties please,
with all convenient speed; because I have a strong
inclination, before I leave the world, to taste a bless-
ing which we mysterious writers can seldom reach
till we have gotten into our graves: whether it is
that fame, being a fruit grafted on the body, can
hardly grow, and much less ripen, till the stock is in
the earth; or whether she be a bird of prey, and is
lured, among the rest, to pursue after the scent of a
carcase; or whether she conceives her trumpet sounds
best and farthest when she stands on a tomb, by the
advantage of a rising ground and the echo of a hollow
vault.
A
FULL AND TRUE ACCOUNT
OF THE
BATTLE
FOUGHT LAST FRIDAY
BETWEEN
THE ANCIENT AND THE
MODERN BOOKS
IN SAINT JAMES'S LIBRARY
Swift's patron, Sir William Temple, had been drawn into a
dispute "by a silly question raised in France on the respec-
tive merits of ancient and modern writers, wherein somebody
having declared Corneille to be as much superior to Æschylus
as Pascal was to Plato, Temple took up the cudgels for the
ancients, on whose behalf he made assertions quite as pre-
posterous, and incidentally declared the Epistles of Phalaris
to be one of the triumphs of antiquity. Then came Wotton,
a so-styled youthful prodigy of learning in those days, defend-
ing the moderns against Temple; then a new edition of
Phalaris produced on behalf of Temple by Charles Boyle,
afterwards Lord Orrery, his tutor Atterbury, and other
Oxford scholars; and then from the other university the
scornful challenge of Richard Bentley, first of scholars, who
in a second edition of Wotton's book, declared the Phalaris
epistles to be the egregious forgery which they too truly were.
At this stage of the conflict, while Boyle, Atterbury and
Smallridge were preparing the reply that elicited Bentley's
crushing rejoinder, Swift came to the protection of Temple
with the Battle of the Books [1697], and of all that con-
stituted once the so famous controversy, its prodigious
learning and its furious abuse, this triumphant piece of
humour alone survives. It was circulated widely before
Temple died, and not until four years later [1704] appeared
in print."-Forster.
A history of the rivalry long subsisting between ancient and
modern books, and an account of the manner in which it was
revived among the volumes in the St. James's Library,
of which Bentley was "regent" or curator, leads up to the
allegory of the Spider and the Bee; after which the inter-
position of the Goddess Criticism, mother of Wotton, is
described, and then the fray begins in earnest in a series of
Homeric contests between the classics and their translators
and commentators.
THE SPIDER AND THE BEE
TH
HINGS were at this crisis when a material accident
fell out. For upon the highest corner of a large
window there dwelt a certain spider, swollen up to the
first magnitude by the destruction of infinite numbers
of flies, whose spoils lay scattered before the gates of his
palace, like human bones before the cave of some giant.
The avenues to his castle were guarded with turnpikes
and palisadoes, all after the modern way of fortification.
After you had passed several courts you came to the
centre, wherein you might behold the constable himself
in his own lodgings, which had windows fronting to
cach avenue, and ports to sally out upon all occasions
of prey or defence. In this mansion he had for some
time dwelt in peace and plenty, without danger to his
person by swallows from above, or to his palace by
brooms from below: when it was the pleasure of fortune
to conduct thither a wandering bee, to whose curiosity
a broken pane in the glass had discovered itself, and
in he went; where, expatiating a while, he at last
happened to alight upon one of the outward walls of
the spider's citadel; which, yielding to the unequal
weight, sunk down to the very foundation. Thrice he
endeavoured to force his passage, and thrice the centre
shook. The spider within, feeling the terrible con-
E
50
BATTLE OF THE BOOKS
vulsion, supposed at first that nature was approaching
to her final dissolution; or else that Beelzebub, with
all his legions, was come to revenge the death of many
thousands of his subjects whom his enemy had slain
and devoured. However, he at length valiantly re-
solved to issue forth and meet his fate. Meanwhile the
bee had acquitted himself of his toils, and, posted
securely at some distance, was employed in cleansing
his wings, and disengaging them from the ragged
remnants of the cobweb. By this time the spider was
adventured out, when, beholding the chasms, the ruins,
and dilapidations of his fortress, he was very near at
his wit's end; he stormed and swore like a madman,
and swelled till he was ready to burst. At length,
casting his eye upon the bee, and wisely gathering
causes from events, (for they knew each other by sight,)
A plague split you, said he; is it you, with a vengeance,
that have made this litter here? could not you look
hefore you, and be d-d? do you think I have nothing
else to do, in the devil's name, but to mend and repair
after you?—Good words, friend, said the bee, having
now pruned himself, and being disposed to droll: I'll
give you my hand and word to come near your kennel no
more; I was never in such a confounded pickle since I
was born.-Sirrah, replied the spider, if it were not
for breaking an old custom in our family, never to stir
abroad against an enemy, I should come and teach
you better manners.-I pray have patience, said the
bee, or you'll spend your substance, and, for aught I
see, you may stand in need of it all toward the repair
of your house.-Rogue, rogue, replied the spider, yet
methinks you should have more respect to a person
whom all the world allows to be so much your betters.
THE SPIDER AND THE BEE
SI
-By my troth, said the bee, the comparison will
amount to a very good jest; and you will do me a
favour to let me know the reasons that all the world
is pleased to use in so hopeful a dispute. At this the
spider, having swelled himself into the size and posture
of a disputant, began his argument in the true spirit
of controversy, with resolution to be heartily scurrilous
and angry, to urge on his own reasons, without the
least regard to the answers or objections of his oppo-
site; and fully predetermined in his mind against all
conviction.
Not to disparage myself, said he, by the comparison
with such a rascal, what art thou but a vagabond
without house or home, without stock or inheritance?
born to no possession of your own, but a pair of wings.
and a drone-pipe. Your livelihood is a universal
plunder upon nature; a freebooter over fields and
gardens; and, for the sake of stealing, will rob a
nettle as easily as a violet. Whereas I am a domestic
animal, furnished with a native stock within myself.
This large castle (to show my improvements in the
mathematics) is all built with my own hands, and
the materials extracted altogether out of my own
person.
I am glad, answered the bee, to hear you grant at
least that I am come honestly by my wings and my
voice; for then, it seems, I am obliged to Heaven
alone for my flights and my music; and Providence
would never have bestowed on me two such gifts,
without designing them for the noblest ends. I visit
indeed all the flowers and blossoms of the field and
garden; but whatever I collect thence enriches myself,
without the least injury to their beauty, their smell,
52
BATTLE OF THE BOOKS
or their taste. Now, for you and your ski in archi-
tecture and other mathematics, I have little to say:
in that building of yours there might, for aught I
know, have been labour and method enough; but,
by woful experience for us both, it is plain the
materials are naught; and I hope you will henceforth
take warning, and consider duration and matter, as
well as method and art. You boast indeed of being
obliged to no other creature, but of drawing and
spinning out all from yourself; that is to say, if we
may judge of the liquor in the vessel by what issues
out, you possess a good plentiful store of dirt and
poison in your breast; and, though I would by no
means lessen or disparage your genuine stock of either,
yet I doubt you are somewhat obliged, for an increase
of both, to a little foreign assistance. Your inherent
portion of dirt does not fail of acquisitions, by sweep-
ings exhaled from below; and one insect furnishes
you with a share of poison to destroy another. So
that, in short, the question comes all to this: whether
is the nobler being of the two, that which, by a lazy
contemplation of four inches round, by an overweening
pride, feeding and engendering on itself, turns all into
venom, producing nothing at all but flybane and a
cobweb; or that which, by a universal range, with
long search, much study, true judgment, and distinction
of things, brings home honey and wax.
This dispute was managed with such eagerness,
clamour, and warmth, that the two parties of books,
in arms below, stood silent a while, waiting in sus-
pense what would be the issue; which was not long
undetermined for the bee, grown impatient at so
much loss of time, fled straight away to a bed of roses,
-
THE SPIDER AND THE BEE
53
without looking for a reply, and left the spider, like
an orator, collected in himself, and just prepared to
burst out.
It happened upon this emergency that Æsop broke
silence first. He had been of late most barbarously
treated by a strange effect of the regent's humanity,
who had torn off his title-page, sorely defaced one
half of his leaves, and chained him fast among a shelf
of moderns. Where, soon discovering how high the
quarrel was likely to proceed, he tried all his arts,
and turned himself to a thousand forms. At length,
in the borrowed shape of an ass, the regent mistook
him for a modern; by which means he had time and
opportunity to escape to the ancients, just when the
spider and the bee were entering into their contest;
to which he gave his attention with a world of plea-
sure, and, when it was ended, swore in the loudest key
that in all his life he had never known two cases so
parallel and adapt to each other as that in the window
and this upon the shelves. The disputants, said he,
have admirably managed the dispute between them,
have taken in the full strength of all that is to be said
on both sides, and exhausted the substance of every
argument pro and con. It is but to adjust the reason-
ings of both to the present quarrel, then to compare
and apply the labours and fruits of each, as the bee
has learnedly deduced them, and we shall find the
conclusion fall plain and close upon the moderns and
us. For pray, gentlemen, was ever anything so
modern as the spider in his air, his turns, and his
paradoxes? he argues in the behalf of you his brethren
and himself with many boastings of his native stock
and great genius; that he spins and spits wholly from
54
BATTLE OF THE BOOKS
himself, and scorns to own any obligation or assistance
from without. Then he displays to you his great skill
in architecture and improvement in the mathematics.
To all this the bee, as an advocate retained by us the
ancients, thinks fit to answer, that, if one may judge
of the great genius or inventions of the moderns by
what they have produced, you will hardly have coun-
tenance to bear you out in boasting of either. Erect
your schemes with as much method and skill as you
please; yet, if the materials be nothing but dirt, spun
out of your own entrails, the edifice will conclude at last
in a cobweb; the duration of which, like that of other
spiders' webs, may be imputed to their being forgotten,
or neglected, or hid in a corner. For anything else of
genuine that the moderns may pretend to, I cannot
recollect; unless it be a large vein of wrangling and
satire, much of a nature and substance with the spider's
poison, which, however they pretend to spit wholly out
of themselves, is improved by the same arts, by feeding
upon the insects and vermin of the age. As for us the
ancients, we are content, with the bee, to pretend to
nothing of our own beyond our wings and our voice :
that is to say, our flights and our language. For the
rest, whatever we have got has been by infinite labour
and search, and ranging through every corner of
nature; the difference is, that, instead of dirt and
poison, we have rather chosen to fill our hives with
honey and wax, thus furnishing mankind with the
two noblest of things, which are sweetness and light.
THE BATTLE
THE destined hour of fate being now arrived, the
fight began; whereof, before I dare adventure to
make a particular description, I must, after the ex-
ample of other authors, petition for a hundred tongues,
and mouths, and hands, and pens, which would all be
too little to perform so immense a work. Say, god-
dess, that presidest over history, who it was that first
advanced in the field of battle! Paracelsus, at the
head of his dragoons, observing Galen in the adverse
wing, darted his javelin with a mighty force, which
the brave ancient received upon his shield, the point
breaking in the second fold.
Hic pauca
desunt.
They bore the wounded aga on their shields to his
chariot
*
Desunt
nonnulla. *
Then Aristotle, observing Bacon advance with a
furious mien, drew his bow to the head, and let fly
his arrow, which missed the valiant modern and went
whizzing over his head; but Des Cartes it hit; the
steel point quickly found a defect in his headpiece; it
56
BATTLE OF THE BOOKS
pierced the leather and the pasteboard, and went in
at his right eye.
The torture of the pain whirled the
valiant bowman round, till death, like a star of su-
perior influence, drew him into his own vortex.
Ingens hiatus
*
*
*
hic in MS.
*
when Homer appeared at the head
of the cavalry, mounted on a furious horse, with diffi-
culty managed by the rider himself, but which no
other mortal durst approach; he rode among the
enemy's ranks, and bore down all before him. Say,
goddess, whom he slew first and whom he slew last!
First, Gondibert advanced against him, clad in heavy
armour and mounted on a staid sober gelding, not so
famed for his speed as his docility in kneeling when-
ever his rider would mount or alight. He had made
a vow to Pallas that he would never leave the field till
he had spoiled Homer of his armour: madman, who
had never once seen the wearer, nor understood his
strength! Him Homer overthrew, horse and man, to
the ground, there to be trampled and choked in the
dirt. Then with a long spear he slew Denham, a
stout modern, who from his father's side derived his
lineage from Apollo, but his mother was of mortal
race. He fell, and bit the earth. The celestial part
Apollo took, and made it a star; but the terrestrial
lay wallowing upon the ground. Then Homer slew
Sam Wesley with a kick of his horse's heel; he took
Perrault by mighty force out of his saddle, then hurled
him at Fontenelle, with the same blow dashing out
both their brains.
*
*
*-
*
*
On the left wing of the horse Virgil appeared, in
shining armour, completely fitted to his body: he was
THE BATTLE
57
mounted on a dapple-gray steed, the slowness of whose
pace was an effect of the highest mettle and vigour.
He cast his eye on the adverse wing, with a desire to
find an object worthy of his valour, when behold upon
a sorrel gelding of a monstrous size appeared a foe,
issuing from among the thickest of the enemy's squad-
rons; but his speed was less than his noise; for his
horse, old and lean, spent the dregs of his strength in
a high trot, which, though it made slow advances, yet
caused a loud clashing of his armour, terrible to hear.
The two cavaliers had now approached within the
throw of a lance, when the stranger desired a parley,
and, lifting up the vizor of his helmet, a face hardly
appeared from within, which, after a pause, was known
for that of the renowned Dryden. The brave ancient
suddenly started, as one possessed with surprise and
disappointment together; for the helmet was nine
times too large for the head, which appeared situate
far in the hinder part, even like the lady in a lobster,
or like a mouse under a canopy of state, or like a
shrivelled beau from within the penthouse of a modern
periwig; and the voice was suited to the visage,
sounding weak and remote. Dryden, in a long ha-
rangue, soothed up the good ancient; called him
father, and, by a large deduction of genealogies, made
it plainly appear that they were nearly related. Then
he humbly proposed an exchange of armour, as a
lasting mark of hospitality between them. Virgil con-
sented (for the goddess Diffidence came unseen, and
cast a mist before his eyes), though his was of gold
and cost a hundred beeves, the other's but of rusty
iron. However, this glittering armour became the
modern yet worse than his own.
Then they agreed
58
BATTLE OF THE BOOKS
to exchange horses; but, when it came to the trial,
Dryden was afraid and utterly unable to mount.
Alter hiatus
*
in MS.
Lucan appeared upon a fiery horse of admirable shape,
but headstrong, bearing the rider where he list over
the field; he made a mighty slaughter among the
enemy's horse; which destruction to stop, Blackmore,
a famous modern (but one of the mercenaries), strenu-
ously opposed himself, and darted his javelin with a
strong hand, which, falling short of its mark, struck
deep in the earth. Then Lucan threw a lance; but
Esculapius came unseen and turned off the point.
Brave modern, said Lucan, I perceive some god pro-
tects you, for never did my arm so deceive me before ;
but what mortal can contend with a god? Therefore,
let us fight no longer, but present gifts to each other.
Lucan then bestowed the modern a pair of spurs, and
Blackmore gave Lucan a bridle.
Pauca desunt.
#
+
*
*
*
:
Creech but the goddess Dulness took a cloud, formed
into the shape of Horace, armed and mounted, and
placed in a flying posture before him. Glad was the
cavalier to begin a combat with a flying foe, and pur-
sued the image, threatening aloud; till at last it led
him to the peaceful bower of his father, Ogleby, by
whom he was disarmed and assigned to his repose.
Then Pindar slew
and -, Oldham, and
and Afra the Amazon, light of foot; never
advancing in a direct line, but wheeling with incredible
agility and force, he made a terrible slaughter among
the enemy's light horse. Him when Cowley observed,
THE BATTLE
59
his generous heart burnt within him, and he advanced
against the fierce ancient, imitating his address, his
pace, and career as well as the vigour of his horse and
his own skill would allow. When the two cavaliers
had approached within the length of three javelins,
first Cowley threw a lance, which missed Pindar, and,
passing into the enemy's ranks, fell ineffectual to the
ground. Then Pindar darted a javelin so large and
weighty, that scarce a dozen cavaliers, as cavaliers are
in our degenerate days, could raise it from the ground;
yet he threw it with ease, and it went, by an unerring
hand, singing through the air; nor could the modern
have avoided present death if he had not luckily op-
posed the shield that had been given him by Venus.
And now both heroes drew their swords; but the
modern was so aghast and disordered that he knew
not where he was: his shield dropped from his hands;
thrice he fled, and thrice he could not escape; at last
he turned, and lifting up his hand in the posture of a
suppliant, Godlike Pindar, said he, spare my life, and
possess my horse, with these arms, beside the ransom
which my friends will give when they hear I am alive
and your prisoner. Dog! said Pindar, let your ran-
som stay with your friends; but your carcase shall be
left for the fowls of the air and the beasts of the field.
With that he raised his sword, and, with a mighty
stroke, cleft the wretched modern in twain, the sword
pursuing the blow; and one half lay panting on the
ground, to be trod in pieces by the horses' feet; the
other half was borne by the frighted steed through the
field. This Venus took, washed it seven times in
ambrosia, then struck it thrice with a sprig of ama-
ranth; upon which the leather grew round and soft,
бо
BATTLE OF THE BOOKS
and the leaves turned into feathers, and, being gilded
before, continued gilded still; so it became a dove,
and she harnessed it to her chariot.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Hiatus valde de-
flendus in MS.
THE EPISODE OF BENTLEY AND WOTTON.
Day being far spent, and the numerous forces of the
moderns half inclining to a retreat, there issued forth
from a squadron of their heavy-armed foot a captain
whose name was Bentley, the most deformed of all
the moderns; tall, but without shape or comeliness;
large, but without strength or proportion. His armour
was patched up of a thousand incoherent pieces; and
the sound of it, as he marched, was loud and dry, like
that made by the fall of a sheet of lead, which an
Etesian wind blows suddenly down from the roof of
some steeple. His helmet was of old rusty iron, but
the vizor was brass, which, tainted by his breath, cor-
rupted into copperas, nor wanted gall from the same
fountain; so that, whenever provoked by anger or
labour, an atramentous quality, of most malignant
nature, was seen to distil from his lips. In his right hand
he grasped a flail, and thus completely armed, he ad-
vanced with a slow and heavy pace where the modern
chiefs were holding a consult upon the sum of things;
who, as he came onwards, laughed to behold his crooked
leg and humped shoulder, which his boot and armour,
vainly endeavouring to hide, were forced to comply
with and expose. The generals made use of him for
his talent of railing; which, kept within government,
THE BATTLE
61
proved frequently of great service to their cause, but,
at other times, did more mischief than good; for, at
the least touch of offence, and often without any at
all, he would, like a wounded elephant, convert it
against his leaders. Such, at this juncture, was the
disposition of Bentley; grieved to see the enemy pre-
vail, and dissatisfied with everybody's conduct but his
own. He humbly gave the modern generals to under-
stand that he conceived, with great submission, they
were all a pack of rogues, and fools, and d-d cowards,
and confounded loggerheads, and illiterate whelps,
and nonsensical scoundrels; that, if himself had been
constituted general, those presumptuous dogs, the
ancients, would long before this have been beaten out
of the field. You, said he, sit here idle; but when I,
or any other valiant modern, kill an enemy, you are
sure to seize the spoil. But I will not march one foot
against the foe till you all swear to me that whomsoever
I take or kill, his arms I shall quietly possess.
Bentley having spoken thus, Scaliger, bestowing him.
a sour look, Miscreant prater! said he, eloquent only
in thine own eyes, thou railest without wit, or truth,
or discretion. The malignity of thy temper perverteth
nature; thy learning makes thee more barbarous; thy
study of humanity more inhuman; thy converse among
poets, more grovelling, miry, and dull. All arts of
civilizing others render thee rude and untractable;
courts have taught thee ill manners, and polite con-
versation has finished thee a pedant. Besides, a
greater coward burdeneth not the army.
despond; I pass my word, whatever spoil thou takest
shall certainly be thy own; though I hope that vile
carcase will first become a prey to kites and worms.
But never
62
BATTLE OF THE BOOKS
As
Bentley durst not reply; but, half choked with
spleen and rage, withdrew, in full resolution of per-
forming some great achievement. With him, for his
aid and companion, he took his beloved Wotton;
resolving by policy or surprise to attempt some
neglected quarter of the ancients' army. They began
their march over carcases of their slaughtered friends;
then to the right of their own forces; then wheeled
northward, till they came to Aldrovandus's tomb,
which they passed on the side of the declining sun.
And now they arrived, with fear, toward the enemy's
out-guards; looking about, if haply they might spy
the quarters of the wounded, or some straggling
sleepers, unarmed and remote from the rest.
when two mongrel curs, whom native greediness and
domestic want provoke and join in partnership, though
fearful, nightly to invade the folds of some rich grazier,
they, with tails depressed and lolling tongues, creep
soft and slow; meanwhile the conscious moon, now
in her zenith, on their guilty heads darts perpendicular
rays; nor dare they bark, though much provoked at
her refulgent visage, whether seen in puddle by reflec-
tion or in sphere direct; but one surveys the region
round, while the other scouts the plain, if haply to
discover, at distance from the flock, some carcase half
devoured, the refuse of gorged wolves or ominous
ravens. So marched this lovely, loving pair of friends,
nor with less fear and circumspection, when at a
distance they might perceive two shining suits of
armour hanging upon an oak, and the owners not far
off in a profound sleep. The two friends drew lots,
and the pursuing of this adventure fell to Bentley; on
he went, and in his van Confusion and Amaze, while
THE BATTLE
63
Horror and Affright brought up the rear. As he
came near, behold two heroes of the ancients' army,
Phalaris and Esop, lay fast asleep; Bentley would
fain have despatched them both, and, stealing close,
aimed his flail at Phalaris's breast. But then the
goddess Affright, interposing, caught the modern in
her icy arms, and dragged him from the danger she
foresaw; both the dormant heroes happened to turn
at the same instant, though soundly sleeping and
busy in a dream. For Phalaris was just that minute
dreaming how a most vile poetaster had lampooned
him, and how he had got him roaring in his bull.
And Esop dreamed that, as he and the ancient chiefs
were lying on the ground, a wild ass broke loose, ran
about, trampling and kicking in their faces. Bentley,
leaving the two heroes asleep, seized on both their
armours, and withdrew in quest of his darling Wotton.
He, in the meantime, had wandered long in search
of some enterprise, till at length he arrived at a small
rivulet that issued from a fountain hard by, called, in
the language of mortal men, Helicon. Here he
stopped, and, parched with thirst, resolved to allay it
in this limpid stream. Thrice with profane hands he
essayed to raise the water to his lips, and thrice it
slipped all through his fingers. Then he stooped
prone on his breast, but, ere his mouth had kissed the
liquid crystal, Apollo came, and in the channel held
his shield betwixt the modern and the fountain, so
that he drew up nothing but mud. For, although no
fountain on earth can compare with the clearness of
Helicon, yet there lies at bottom a thick sediment of
slime and mud; for so Apollo begged of Jupiter, as a
punishment to those who durst attempt to taste it with
64
BATTLE OF THE BOOKS
unhallowed lips, and for a lesson to all not to draw
too deep or far from the spring.
At the fountain-head Wotton discerned two heroes ;
the one he could not distinguish, but the other was
soon known for Temple, general of the allies to the
ancients. His back was turned, and he was employed
in drinking large draughts in his helmet from the
fountain, where he had withdrawn himself to rest from
the toils of the war. Wotton, observing him, with
quaking knees and trembling hands, spoke thus to
himself: O that I could kill this destroyer of our
army, what renown should I purchase among the
chiefs! but to issue out against him, man against man,
shield against shield, and lance against lance, what
modern of us dare? for he fights like a god, and
Pallas or Apollo are ever at his elbow. But, O
mother if what Fame reports be true, that I am the
son of so great a goddess, grant me to hit Temple
with this lance, that the stroke may send him to hell,
and that I may return in safety and triumph, laden
with his spoils. The first part of this prayer the gods
granted at the intercession of his mother and of
Momus ; but the rest, by a perverse wind sent from
Fate, was scattered in the air. Then Wotton grasped
his lance, and, brandishing it thrice over his head,
darted it with all his might; the goddess, his mother,
at the same time adding strength to his arm. Away
the lance went hizzing, and reached even to the belt
of the averted ancient, upon which lightly grazing, it
fell to the ground. Temple neither felt the weapon
touch him nor heard it fall and Wotton might have
escaped to his army, with the honour of having re-
mitted his lance against so great a leader unrevenged,
THE BATTLE
65
but Apollo, enraged that a javelin flung by the assis-
tance of so foul a goddess should pollute his fountain,
put on the shape of —
and softly came to
young Boyle, who then accompanied Temple: he
pointed first to the lance, then to the distant modern
that flung it, and commanded the young hero to take
immediate revenge. Boyle, clad in a suit of armour
which had been given him by all the gods, immediately
advanced against the trembling foe, who now fled
before him. As a young lion in the Libyan plains or
Araby desert, sent by his aged sire to hunt for prey,
or health, or exercise, he scours along, wishing to
meet some tiger from the mountains, or a furious boar;
if chance a wild ass, with brayings importune, affronts
his ear, the generous beast, though loathing to distain
his claws with blood so vile, yet, much provoked at
the offensive noise, which Echo, foolish nymph, like
her ill-judging sex, repeats much louder and with
more delight than Philomela's song, he vindicates the
honour of the forest, and hunts the noisy long-eared
animal. So Wotton fled, so Boyle pursued. But
Wotton, heavy-armed and slow of foot, began to
slack his course, when his lover Bentley appeared,
returning laden with the spoils of the two sleeping
ancients. Boyle observed him well, and soon dis-
covering the helmet and shield of Phalaris his friend,
both which he had lately with his own hands new
polished and gilt, rage sparkled in his eyes, and,
leaving his pursuit after Wotton, he furiously rushed on
against this new approacher. Fain would he be re-
venged on both; but both now fled different ways:
and, as a woman in a little house, that gets a painful
livelihood by spinning, if chance her geese be scattered
F
66
BATTLE OF THE BOOKS
o'er the common, she courses round the plain from
side to side, compelling here and there the stragglers
to the flock; they cackle loud, and flutter o'er the
champaign so Boyle pursued, so fled this pair of
friends; finding at length their flight was vain, they
bravely joined, and drew themselves in phalanx. First
Bentley threw a spear with all his force, hoping to
pierce the enemy's breast; but Pallas came unseen,
and in the air took off the point, and clapped on one
of lead, which, after a dead bang against the enemy's
shield, fell blunted to the ground. Then Boyle, ob-
serving well his time, took up a lance of wondrous
length and sharpness; and, as this pair of friends com-
pacted stood close side to side, he wheeled him to the
right, and, with unusual force, darted the weapon.
Bentley saw his fate approach, and flanking down his
arms close to his ribs, hoping to save his body, in
went the point, passing through arm and side, nor
stopped or spent its force till it had also pierced the
valiant Wotton, who, going to sustain his dying friend,
shared his fate. As when a skilful cook has trussed a
brace of woodcocks, he with iron skewer pierces the
tender sides of both, their legs and wings close pinioned
to the ribs; so was this pair of friends transfixed, till
down they fell, joined in their lives, joined in their
deaths; so closely joined that Charon would mistake
them both for one, and waft them over Styx for half
his fare. Farewell, beloved, loving pair; few equals
have you left behind and happy and immortal shall
you be, if all my wit and eloquence can make you.
And now
Desunt cætera.
AN ARGUMENT TO PROVE
THAT THE ABOLISHING
OF CHRISTIANITY IN
ENGLAND
MAY, AS THINGS NOW STAND, BE ATTENDED WITH
SOME INCONVENIENCES, AND PERHAPS NOT
PRODUCE THOSE MANY GOOD EFFECTS
PROPOSED THEREBY,
The Tale of a Tub had offended the orthodox, not perhaps
without reason, and Swift now tried to undo the effect he had
produced in his former work by defending Christianity with
the same weapon which he had before wielded against
certain historical perversions of it. The tract was written
and published in 1708,
THE ABOLISHING OF CHRISTIANITY
IN ENGLAND
I
AM very sensible what a weakness and presumption
it is to reason against the general humour and dis-
position of the world. I remember it was, with great
justice and due regard to the freedom both of the public
and the press, forbidden upon several penalties to write,
or discourse, or lay wagers, against the Union, even be-
fore it was confirmed by parliament; because that was
looked upon as a design to oppose the current of the
people, which, beside the folly of it, is a manifest
breach of the fundamental law that makes this ma-
jority of opinion the voice of God. In like manner,
and for the very same reasons, it may perhaps be nei-
ther safe nor prudent to argue against the abolishing
of Christianity at a juncture when all parties appear so
unanimously determined upon the point, as we cannot
but allow from their actions, their discourses, and their
writings. However, I know not how, whether from
the affectation of singularity or the perverseness of
human nature, but so it unhappily falls out, that I
cannot be entirely of this opinion. Nay, though I
were sure an order were issued for my immediate pro-
secution by the attorney-general, I should still confess
that, in the present posture of our affairs at home or
70
THE ABOLISHING OF
abroad, I do not yet see the absolute necessity of extir-
pating the Christian religion from among us.
This perhaps may appear too great a paradox even
for our wise and paradoxical age to endure; therefore
I shall handle it with all tenderness and with the
utmost deference to that great and profound majority
which is of another sentiment.
And yet the curious may please to observe how
much the genius of a nation is liable to alter in half an
age. I have heard it affirmed for certain, by some
very old people, that the contrary opinion was, even in
their memories, as much in vogue as the other is now ;
and that a project for the abolishing of Christianity
would then have appeared as singular, and been
thought as absurd, as it would be at this time to write
or discourse in its defence.
Therefore I freely own that all appearances are
against me. The system of the gospel, after the fate
of other systems, is generally antiquated and exploded :
and the mass or body of the common people, among
whom it seems to have had its latest credit, are now
grown as much ashamed of it as their betters; opinions,
like fashions, always descending from those of quality
to the middle sort, and thence to the vulgar, where at
length they are dropped and vanish.
But here I would not be mistaken, and must there-
fore be so bold as to borrow a distinction from the
writers on the other side, when they make a difference
between nominal and real Trinitarians. I hope no
reader imagines me so weak to stand up in the de-
fence of real Christianity, such as used in primitive
times, if we may believe the authors of those ages,
to have an influence upon men's belief and actions :
CHRISTIANITY IN ENGLAND
71
to offer at the restoring of that would indeed be a wild
project; it would be to dig up foundations; to destroy
at one blow all the wit and half the learning of the
kingdom; to break the entire frame and constitution
of things; to ruin trade, extinguish arts and sciences,
with the professors of them; in short, to turn our
courts, exchanges, and shops into deserts; and would
be full as absurd as the proposal of Horace, where he
advises the Romans all in a body to leave their city, and
seek a new seat in some remote part of the world, by
way of cure for the corruption of their manners.
Therefore I think this caution was in itself altogether
unnecessary, (which I have inserted only to prevent all
possibility of cavilling,) since every candid reader will
easily understand my discourse to be intended only in
defence of nominal Christianity; the other having been
for some time wholly laid aside by general consent, as
utterly inconsistent with our present schemes of wealth
and power.
But why we should therefore cast off the name and
title of Christians, although the general opinion and
resolution be so violent for it, I confess I cannot
(with submission) apprehend, nor is the consequence
necessary. However, since the undertakers propose
such wonderful advantages to the nation by this pro-
ject, and advance many plausible objections against
the system of Christianity, I shall briefly consider the
strength of both, fairly allow them their greatest weight,
and offer such answers as I think most reasonable.
After which, I will beg leave to show what inconveni-
ences may possibly happen by such an innovation, in
the present posture of our affairs.
First, one great advantage proposed by the abolish-
72
THE ABOLISHING OF
ing of Christianity is that it would very much enlarge
and establish liberty of conscience, that great bulwark
of our nation, and of the Protestant religion; which is
still too much limited by priestcraft, notwithstanding
all the good intentions of the legislature, as we have
lately found by a severe instance. For it is confidently
reported that two young gentlemen of real hopes,
bright wit, and profound judgment, upon a thorough
examination of causes and effects, and by the mere
force of natural abilities, without the least tincture of
learning, having made a discovery that there was no
God, and generously communicating their thoughts for
the good of the public, were some time ago, by an un-
paralleled severity and upon I know not what obsolete
law, broke for blasphemy. And as it has been wisely
observed, if persecution once begins, no man alive
knows how far it may reach or where it will end.
In answer to all which, with deference to wiser
judgments, I think this rather shows the necessity of a
nominal religion among us. Great wits love to be free
with the highest objects; and if they cannot be allowed
a God to revile or renounce, they will speak evil of
dignities, abuse the government, and reflect upon the
ministry; which I am sure few will deny to be of
much more pernicious consequence, according to the
saying of Tiberius, deorum offensa diis curæ.
As to
the particular fact related, I think it is not fair to argue
from one instance; perhaps another cannot be pro-
duced: yet (to the comfort of all those who may be
apprehensive of persecution) blasphemy, we know,
is freely spoken a million of times in every coffeehouse
and tavern, or wherever else good company meet. It
must be allowed, indeed, that to break an English
CHRISTIANITY IN ENGLAND
73
free-born officer only for blasphemy was, to speak the
gentlest of such an action, a very high strain of absolute
power. Little can be said in excuse for the general :
perhaps he was afraid it might give offence to the
allies, among whom, for aught we know, it may be
the custom of the country to believe a God. But if
he argued, as some have done, upon a mistaken
principle that an officer who is guilty of speaking
blasphemy may some time or other proceed so far as
to raise a mutiny, the consequence is by no means to
be admitted; for surely the commander of an English
army is likely to be but ill obeyed, whose soldiers fear
and reverence him as little as they do a Deity.
It is farther objected against the gospel system that
it obliges men to the belief of things too difficult for
freethinkers and such who have shaken off the pre-
judices that usually cling to a confined education. To
which I answer, that men should be cautious how
they raise objections which reflect upon the wisdom of
the nation. Is not everybody freely allowed to believe
whatever he pleases, and to publish his belief to the
world whenever he thinks fit, especially if it serves to
strengthen the party which is in the right? Would any
indifferent foreigner, who should read the trumpery
lately written by Asgil, Tindal, Toland, Coward, and
forty more, imagine the gospel to be our rule of faith
and confirmed by parliaments? Does any man either
believe, or say he believes, or desire to have it thought
that he says he believes, one syllable of the matter?
And is any man worse received upon that score, or
does he find his want of nominal faith a disadvantage
to him in the pursuit of any civil or military employ
ment? What if there be an old dormant statute or
74
THE ABOLISHING OF
two against him, are they not now obsolete, to a
degree that Empson and Dudley themselves, if they
were now alive, would find it impossible to put them
in execution?
It is likewise urged that there are, by computation,
in this kingdom above ten thousand parsons, whose
revenues, added to those of my lords the bishops,
would suffice to maintain at least two hundred young
gentlemen of wit and pleasure, and freethinking,
enemies to priestcraft, narrow principles, pedantry,
and prejudices, who might be an ornament to the
court and town: and then, again, so great a number
of able (bodied) divines might be a recruit to our flect
and armies. This indeed appears to be a consideration
of some weight; but then, on the other side, several
things deserve to be considered likewise: as, first,
whether it may not be thought necessary that in
certain tracts of country, like what we call parishes,
there shall be one man at least of abilities to read and
write. Then it seems a wrong computation, that the
revenues of the Church throughout this island would
be large enough to maintain two hundred young
gentlemen, or even half that number, after the present
refined way of living; that is, to allow each of them
such a rent as, in the modern form of speech, would
make them easy. But still there is in this project a
greater mischief behind; and we ought to beware of
the woman's folly, who killed the hen that every
morning laid her a golden egg. For pray what would
become of the race of men in the next age, if we had
nothing to trust to besides the scrofulous, consumptive
productions furnished by our men of wit and pleasure,
when, having squandered away their vigour, health and
CHRISTIANITY IN ENGLAND
75
estates, they are forced, by some disagreeable marriage,
to piece up their broken fortunes? Now, here are
ten thousand persons reduced, by the wise regulations
of Henry VIII., to the necessity of a low diet and
moderate exercise; who are the only great restorers of
our breed, without which the nation would in an age
or two become one great hospital.
Another advantage proposed by the abolishing of
Christianity is the clear gain of one day in seven, which
is now entirely lost, and consequently the kingdom one
seventh less considerable in trade, business, and
pleasure; beside the loss to the public of so many
stately structures, now in the hands of the clergy, which
might be converted into playhouses, market-houses,
exchanges, common dormitories, and other public
edifices.
I hope I shall be forgiven a hard word, if I call this
a perfect cavil. I readily own there has been an old
custom, time out of mind, for people to assemble in the
churches every Sunday, and that shops are still fre-
quently shut, in order, as it is conceived, to preserve
the memory of that ancient practice; but how this
can prove a hindrance to business or pleasure is hard to
imagine. What if the men of pleasure are forced, one
day in the week, to game at home instead of the choco-
late-houses? are not the taverns and coffee-houses open?
can there be a more convenient season for taking a dose
of physic? is not that the chief day for traders to sum
up
the accounts of the week, and for lawyers to prepare
their briefs? But I would fain know how it can be
pretended that the churches are misapplied? Where are
more appointments and rendezvouses of gallantry?
where more care to appear in the foremost box, with
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THE ABOLISHING OF
greater advantage of dress? where more meetings for
business? where more bargains driven of all sorts? and
where so many conveniences or incitements to sleep?
There is one advantage greater than any of the
foregoing proposed by the abolishing of Christianity;
that it will utterly extinguish parties among us, by
removing those factious distinctions of High and Low
Church, of Whig and Tory, Presbyterian and Church
of England, which are now so many grievous clogs
upon public proceedings, and are apt to dispose men to
prefer the gratifying of themselves, or depressing of
their adversaries, before the most important interests
of the state.
I confess, if it were certain that so great an advan-
tage would redound to the nation by this expedient, I
would submit and be silent; but will any man say
that, if the words drinking, cheating, lying, stealing,
were, by act of parliament, ejected out of the English
tongue and dictionaries, we should all awake next morn-
ing chaste and temperate, honest, and just, and lovers of
truth? Is this a fair consequence? Or if the physicians
would forbid us to pronounce the words gout, rheuma-
tism, and stone, would that expedient serve, like so
many talismans, to destroy the diseases themselves?
Are party and faction rooted in men's hearts no deeper
than phrases borrowed from religion, or founded upon
no firmer principles ? and is our language so poor
that we cannot find other terms to express them?
Are envy, pride, avarice, and ambition, such ill no-
menclators that they cannot furnish appellations for
their owners? Will not heydukes and mamalukes,
mandarins and patshaws, or any other words formed
at pleasure, serve to distinguish those who are in the
CHRISTIANITY IN ENGLAND
77
ministry from others who would be in it if they could?
What, for instance, is easier than to vary the form of
speech, and instead of the word Church make it a
question in politics whether the Monument be in
danger? Because religion was nearest at hand to
furnish a few convenient phrases, is our invention so
barren we can find no other? Suppose, for argument
sake, that the Tories favoured Margarita, the Whigs
Mrs. Tofts, and the trimmers Valentini; would not
Margaritians, Toftians, and Valentinians be very
tolerable marks of distinction? The Prasini and Ve-
niti, two most virulent factions in Italy, began (if I
remember right) by a distinction of colours in ribbons ;
and we might contend with as good a grace about the
dignity of the blue and the green, which would serve as
properly to divide the court, the parliament, and the
kingdom between them, as any terms of art whatsoever
borrowed from religion. And therefore I think there
is little force in this objection against Christianity, or
prospect of so great an advantage as is proposed in
the abolishing of it.
It is again objected, as a very absurd, ridiculous
custom, that a set of men should be suffered, much less
employed and hired, to bawl one day in seven against
the lawfulness of those methods most in use toward
the pursuit of greatness, riches, and pleasure, which
are the constant practice of all men alive on the other
six. But this objection is, I think, a little unworthy of
so refined an age as ours. Let us argue this matter
calmly: I appeal to the breast of any polite freethinker,
whether, in the pursuit of gratifying a predominant
passion, he has not always felt a wonderful incitement
by reflecting it was a thing forbidden; and therefore
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THE ABOLISHING OF
we see, in order to cultivate this taste, the wisdom of
the nation has taken special care that the ladies should
be furnished with prohibited silks and the men with
prohibited wine. And indeed it were to be wished
that some other prohibitions were promoted, in order to
improve the pleasures of the town; which, for want of
such expedients, begin already, as I am told, to flag
and grow languid, giving way daily to cruel inroads
from the spleen.
It is likewise proposed as a great advantage to the
public, that if we once discard the system of the gospel,
all religion will of course be banished for ever; and
consequently along with it those grievous prejudices of
education which, under the names of virtue, conscience,
honour, justice, and the like, are so apt to disturb the
peace of human minds, and the notions whereof are so
hard to be eradicated by right reason or freethinking,
sometimes during the whole course of our lives.
Here, first, I observe, how difficult it is to get rid of
a phrase which the world is once grown fond of,
though the occasion that first produced it be entirely
taken away. For several years past, if a man had
but an ill-favoured nose, the deep thinkers of the
age would some way or other contrive to impute the
cause to the prejudice of his education. From this
fountain were said to be derived all our foolish no-
tions of justice, piety, love of our country; all our
opinions of God or a future state, heaven, hell, and the
like; and there might formerly perhaps have been
some pretence for this charge. But so effectual care
has been taken to remove those prejudices by an entire
change in the methods of education, that (with honour
I mention it to our polite innovators) the young
CHRISTIANITY IN ENGLAND
79
gentlemen who are now on the scene seem to have not
the least tincture of those infusions or string of those
weeds; and, by consequence, the reason for abolish-
ing nominal Christianity upon that pretext is wholly
ceased.
For the rest, it may perhaps admit a controversy
whether the banishing of all notions of religion what-
soever would be convenient for the vulgar. Not that
I am in the least of opinion with those who hold
religion to have been the invention of politicians to
keep the lower part of the world in awe by the fear of
invisible powers, unless mankind were then very diffe-
rent to what it is now : for I look upon the mass or body
of our people here in England to be as free thinkers,
that is to say, as staunch unbelievers, as any of the
highest rank. But I conceive some scattered notions
about a superior power to be of singular use for the
common people, as furnishing excellent materials to
keep children quiet when they grow peevish, and
providing topics of amusement in a tedious winter
night.
Lastly, it is proposed as a singular advantage, that
the abolishing of Christianity will very much contri-
bute to the uniting of Protestants, by enlarging the
terms of communion, so as to take in all sorts of
dissenters, who are now shut out of the pale upon
account of a few ceremonies which all sides confess to
be things indifferent; that this alone will effectually
answer the great ends of a scheme for comprehension,
by opening a large noble gate at which all bodies may
enter; whereas the chaffering with dissenters, and
dodging about this or the other ceremony, is but like
opening a few wickets and leaving them at jar, by
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THE ABOLISHING OF
which no more than one can get in at a time, and that
not without stooping, and sidling, and squeezing his
body.
To all this I answer, that there is one darling
inclination of mankind which usually affects to be a
retainer to religion, though she be neither its parent,
its godmother, or its friend; I mean the spirit of
opposition, that lived long before Christianity, and can
easily subsist without it. Let us, for instance, exa-
mine wherein the opposition of sectaries among us
consists; we shall find Christianity to have no share in
it at all. Does the gospel anywhere prescribe a
starched, squeezed countenance, a stiff formal gait, a
singularity of manners and habit, or any affected
modes of speech different from the reasonable part of
mankind? Yet, if Christianity did not lend its name
to stand in the gap, and to employ or divert these
humours, they must of necessity be spent in contra-
ventions to the laws of the land, and disturbance of
the public peace.
There is a portion of enthusiasm
assigned to every nation, which, if it has not proper
objects to work on, will burst out and set all in a
flame. If the quiet of a state can be bought by only
flinging men a few ceremonies to devour, it is a pur-
chase no wise man would refuse. Let the mastiffs
amuse themselves about a sheep's skin stuffed with
hay, provided it will keep them from worrying the
flock. The institution of convents abroad seems in
one point a strain of great wisdom; there being few
irregularities in human passions that may not have
recourse to vent themselves in some of those orders,
which are so many retreats for the speculative, the
melancholy, the proud, the silent, the politic, and the
CHRISTIANITY IN ENGLAND
81
morose, to spend themselves and evaporate the
noxious particles; for each of whom we in this island
are forced to provide a several sect of religion, to keep
them quiet; and whenever Christianity shall be abo-
lished, the legislature must find some other expedient
to employ and entertain them. For what imports it how
large a gate you open, if there will be always left a
number who place a pride and a merit in refusing to
enter ?
Having thus considered the most important objec-
tions against Christianity, and the chief advantages
proposed by the abolishing thereof, I shall now, with
equal deference and submission to wiser judgments as
before, proceed to mention a few inconveniences that
may happen, if the gospel should be repealed, which
perhaps the projectors may not have sufficiently con-
sidered.
And, first, I am very sensible how much the gentle-
men of wit and pleasure are apt to murmur and be
choked at the sight of so many daggled-tail parsons,
who happen to fall in their way and offend their eyes;
but, at the same time, these wise reformers do not
consider what an advantage and felicity it is for great
wits to be always provided with objects of scorn and
contempt, in order to exercise and improve their
talents, and divert their spleen from falling on each
other or on themselves; especially when all this may
be done without the least imaginable danger to their
persons.
And to urge another argument of a parallel nature:
if Christianity were once abolished, how could the
freethinkers, the strong reasoners, and the men of
profound learning, be able to find another subject so
G
82
THE ABOLISHING OF
calculated in all points whereon to display their
abilities? What wonderful productions of wit should
we be deprived of from those whose genius by con-
tinual practice has been wholly turned upon raillery
and invectives against religion, and who would there-
fore never be able to shine or distinguish themselves
upon any other subject? We are daily complaining of
the great decline of wit among us, and would we take
away the greatest, perhaps the only, topic we have
left? Who would ever have suspected Asgil for a wit,
or Toland for a philosopher, if the inexhaustible stock
of Christianity had not been at hand to provide them
with materials? what other subject, through all art or
nature, could have produced Tindal for a profound
author, or furnished him with readers? it is the wise
choice of the subject that alone adorns and dis-
tinguishes the writer. For had a hundred such pens
as these been employed on the side of religion, they
would have immediately sunk into silence and oblivion.
Nor do I think it wholly groundless, or my fears
altogether imaginary, that the abolishing Christianity
may perhaps bring the Church into danger, or at least
put the senate to the trouble of another securing vote.
I desire I may not be mistaken; I am far from
presuming to affirm or think that the Church is in
danger at present, or as things now stand; but we
know not how soon it may be so when the Christian
religion is repealed. As plausible as this project
seems, there may be a dangerous design lurking under
it. Nothing can be more notorious than that the
atheists, deists, socinians, anti-trinitarians, and other
subdivisions of freethinkers, are persons of little zeal
for the present ecclesiastical establishment; their
CHRISTIANITY IN ENGLAND
83
declared opinion is for repealing the sacramental test ;
they are very indifferent with regard to ceremonies,
nor do they hold the jus divinum of episcopacy;
therefore this may be intended as one politic step
toward altering the constitution of the Church Estab-
lished, and setting up Presbytery in the stead, which
I leave to be farther considered by those at the helm.
In the last place, I think nothing can be more plain
than that, by this expedient, we shall run into the evil
we chiefly pretend to avoid; and that the abolishment
of the Christian religion will be the readiest course we
can take to introduce popery. And I am the more
inclined to this opinion, because we know it has been
the constant practice of the jesuits to send over emis-
saries with instructions to personate themselves mem-
bers of the several prevailing sects among us. So it is
recorded that they have at sundry times appeared in
the disguise of presbyterians, anabaptists, indepen-
dents, and quakers, according as any of these were
most in credit; so, since the fashion has been taken
up of exploding religion, the popish missionaries have
not been wanting to mix with the freethinkers; among
whom Toland, the great oracle of the anti-Christians,
is an Irish priest, the son of an Irish priest, and the
most learned and ingenious author of a book called
The Rights of the Christian Church, and was in a
proper juncture reconciled to the Romish faith, whose
true son, as appears by a hundred passages in his
treatise, he still continues. Perhaps I could add some
others to the number, but the fact is beyond dispute,
and the reasoning they proceed by is right; for,
supposing Christianity to be extinguished, the people.
will never be at ease till they find out some other
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THE ABOLISHING OF
method of worship; which will as infallibly produce
superstition, as superstition will end in popery.
And therefore if, notwithstanding all I have said,
it still be thought necessary to have a bill brought in
for repealing Christianity, I would humbly offer an
amendment, that instead of the word Christianity may
be put religion in general; which, I conceive, will
much better answer all the good ends proposed by the
projectors of it. For, as long as we leave in being a
God and his providence, with all the necessary conse-
quences which curious and inquisitive men will be apt
to draw from such premises, we do not strike at the
root of the evil, though we should ever so effectually
annihilate the present scheme of the gospel: for of
what use is freedom of thought if it will not produce
freedom of action ? which is the sole end, how remote
soever in appearance, of all objections against Chris-
tianity; and therefore the freethinkers consider it as a
sort of edifice, wherein all the parts have such a
mutual dependence on each other, that if you happen
to pull out one single nail, the whole fabric must fall
to the ground. This was happily expressed by him,
who had heard of a text brought for proof of the
Trinity, which in an ancient manuscript was diffe-
rently read; he thereupon immediately took the hint,
and by a sudden deduction of a long sorites most
logically concluded: "Why, if it be as you say, I
may safely drink on, and defy the parson." From
which, and many the like instances easy to be pro-
duced, I think nothing can be more manifest than
that the quarrel is not against any particular points of
hard digestion in the Christian system, but against
religion in general; which, by laying restraints on
CHRISTIANITY IN ENGLAND
85
human nature, is supposed the great enemy to the
freedom of thought and action.
Upon the whole, if it shall still be thought for the
benefit of church and state that Christianity be
abolished, I conceive, however, it may be more
convenient to defer the execution to a time of peace,
and not venture, in this conjuncture, to disoblige our
allies; who, as it falls out, are all Christians, and
many of them, by the prejudices of their education, so
bigoted as to place a sort of pride in the appellation.
If, upon being rejected by them, we are to trust to an
alliance with the Turk, we shall find ourselves much
deceived for as he is too remote, and generally
engaged in war with the Persian emperor, so his
people would be more scandalised at our infidelity than
our Christian neighbours. For the Turks are not only
strict observers of religious worship, but, what is
worse, believe a God; which is more than is required
of us, even while we preserve the name of Christians.
To conclude: whatever some may think of the
great advantages to trade by this favourite scheme, I
do very much apprehend that, in six months time after
the act is passed for the extirpation of the gospel, the
Bank and East-India stock may fall at least one per
cent. And since that is fifty times more than ever the
wisdom of our age thought fit to venture for the
preservation of Christianity, there is no reason we
should be at so great a loss merely for the sake of de-
stroying it.
A MEDITATION UPON A
BROOMSTICK:
ACCORDING TO THE STYLE AND MANNER OF THE
HONOURABLE ROBERT BOYLE'S MEDITATIONS.
Swift went to Ireland in 1699 as chaplain and secretary to Lord
Berkeley, one of the Lords Justices. Lady Berkeley evinced
a singular partiality for Boyle's Meditations, which she
would ask Swift to read aloud to her of an evening. Weary
of these pious platitudes, he at last ventured to substitute
a meditation of his own, On a Broomstick, which Lady
Berkeley accepted in all good faith; until the fraud being
discovered by more discerning persons, Swift was relieved
from further persecution at the hands of the Honourable
Robert Boyle. The parody was published in 1710.
A MEDITATION UPON A BROOMSTICK
Τ
HIS single stick, which you now behold ingloriously
lying in that neglected corner, I once knew in a
flourishing state in a forest: it was full of sap, full of
leaves, and full of boughs: but now, in vain does the
busy art of man pretend to vie with nature, by tying
that withered bundle of twigs to its sapless trunk: it
is now, at best, but the reverse of what it was, a tree
turned upside down, the branches on the earth, and
the root in the air; it is now handled by every dirty
wench, condemned to do her drudgery, and, by a
capricious kind of fate, destined to make other things
clean and be nasty itself; at length, worn to the stumps
in the service of the maids, it is either thrown out of
doors, or condemned to the last use of kindling a fire.
When I beheld this, I sighed, and said within myself,
Surely man is a Broomstick! Nature sent him into
the world strong and lusty, in a thriving condition,
wearing his own hair on his head, the proper branches of
this reasoning vegetable, until the axe of intemperance
has lopped off his green boughs, and left him a withered
trunk he then flies to art, and puts on a periwig,
valuing himself upon an unnatural bundle of hairs (all
covered with powder), that never grew on his head;
but now, should this our broomstick pretend to enter
90
A MEDITATION UPON A BROOMSTICK
the scene, proud of those birchen spoils it never bore,
and all covered with dust, though the sweepings of the
finest lady's chamber, we should be apt to ridicule and
despise its vanity. Partial judges that we are of our
own excellences and other men's defaults!
But a broomstick, perhaps you will say, is an
emblem of a tree standing on its head: and pray what
is man but a topsyturvy creature, his animal faculties
perpetually mounted on his rational, his head where his
heels should be, grovelling on the earth! And yet,
with all his faults, he sets up to be a universal reformer
and correcter of abuses, a remover of grievances, rakes
into every slut's corner of nature, bringing hidden
corruption to the light, and raises a mighty dust where
there was none before; sharing deeply all the while in
the very same pollutions he pretends to sweep away:
his last days are spent in slavery to women, and gene-
rally the least deserving; till, worn out to the stumps,
like his brother besom, he is either kicked out of doors,
or made use of to kindle flames for others to warm
themselves by.
TRAVELS INTO SEVERAL
REMOTE NATIONS OF
THE WORLD.
BY LEMUEL GULLIVER,
FIRST A SURGEON, AND THEN A CAPTAIN OF SEVERAL
SHIPS.
Gulliver's Travels were first published in Nov. 1726, but had been
known to Swift's friends for at least five years previously.
His own account of the motives which led to the writing
of the work is found in a letter to Pope of Sept. 29, 1725.
"I am now returning to the noble scene of Dublin, into
the grand monde, for fear of burying my parts, to signalize
myself among curates and vicars, and correct all corrup-
tions crept in, relating to the weight of bread and butter,
through those dominions which I govern. I have em-
ployed my time (beside ditching) in finishing, correcting,
and transcribing my travels, in four parts complete, newly
augmented, and intended for the press when the world
shall deserve them, or rather when a printer shall be found
brave enough to venture his ears. I like the scheme of our
meeting after distresses and dispersions, but the chief end
I propose to myself in all my labours is to vex the world
rather than divert it; and if I could compass that design
without hurting my own person or fortune, I would be the
most indefatigable writer you have ever seen without read-
ing. I am exceedingly pleased that you have done with
translations: lord treasurer Oxford often lamented that a
rascally world should lay you under a necessity of misem-
ploying your genius for so long a time. But since you will
now be so much better employed, when you think of the
world, give it one lash more at my request. I have ever
hated all nations, professions, and communities, and all my
love is toward individuals; for instance, I hate the tribe of
lawyers, but I love counsellor such-a-one and judge such-a-
one it is so with physicians, (I will not speak of my own.
trade,) soldiers, English, Scotch, French, and the rest. But
principally I hate and detest that animal called man; al-
though I heartily love John, Peter, Thomas, and so forth.
This is the system upon which I have governed myself many
years (but do not tell); and so shall I go on till I have done
with them. I have got materials towards a treatise proving
the falsity of that definition animal rationale, and to show
that it should be only rationis capax. Upon this great foun-
dation of misanthropy (though not in Timon's manner) the
whole building of my travels is erected; and I never will
have peace of mind till all honest men are of my opinion.
I am daily losing friends, and neither seeking nor
getting others. O if the world had but a dozen Arbuthnots
in it, I would burn my travels !"
•
GULLIVER'S RECEPTION IN LILLIPUT
I
T would not be proper, for some reasons, to trouble
the reader with the particulars of our adventures
in those seas: let it suffice to inform him that, in our
passage from thence to the East Indies, we were driven
by a violent storm to the north-west of Van Diemen's
Land. By an observation we found ourselves in the
latitude of 30 degrees 2 minutes south. Twelve of
our crew were dead, by immoderate labour and ill
food; the rest were in a very weak condition. On
the 5th of November, which was the beginning of
summer in those parts, the weather being very hazy,
the seamen spied a rock within half a cable's length of
the ship but the wind was so strong, that we were
driven directly upon it, and immediately split. Six of
the crew, of whom I was one, having let down the
boat into the sea, made a shift to get clear of the ship
and the rock. We rowed, by my computation, about
three leagues, till we were able to work no longer,
being already spent with labour while we were in the
ship. We therefore trusted ourselves to the mercy of
the waves, and in about half an hour the boat was
overset by a sudden flurry from the north. What
became of my companions in the boat, as well as
of those who escaped on the rock, or were left in the
:
94
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
vessel, I cannot tell, but conclude they were all lost.
For my own part, I swam as fortune directed me, and
was pushed forward by wind and tide.
I often let my
legs drop, and could feel no bottom; but when I was
almost gone, and able to struggle no longer, I found
myself within my depth; and by this time the storm
was much abated. The declivity was so small, that I
walked near a mile before I got to the shore, which I
conjectured was about eight o'clock in the evening.
I then advanced forward near half a mile, but could
not discover any sign of houses or inhabitants; at
least I was in so weak a condition, that I did not
observe them. I was extremely tired; and with that,
and the heat of the weather, and about half a pint of
brandy that I drank as I left the ship, I found myself
much inclined to sleep. I lay down on the grass,
which was very short and soft, where I slept sounder
than ever I remembered to have done in my life, and,
as I reckoned, about nine hours; for when I awaked
it was just daylight. I attempted to rise, but was not
able to stir; for, as I happened to lie on my back, I
found my arms and legs were strongly fastened on
each side to the ground, and my hair, which was long
and thick, tied down in the same manner. I likewise
felt several slender ligatures across my body, from my
arm-pits to my thighs. I could only look upwards;
the sun began to grow hot, and the light offended my
eyes. I heard a confused noise about me, but, in the
posture I lay, could see nothing except the sky. In a
little time I felt something alive moving on my left leg,
which, advancing gently forward over my breast, came
almost up to my chin; when, bending my eyes down-
ward as much as I could, I perceived it to be a human
GULLIVER'S RECEPTION IN LILLIPUT
95
!
creature not six inches high, with a bow and arrow in
his hands and a quiver at his back.
In the mean
time, I felt at least forty more of the same kind (as I
conjectured) following the first. I was in the utmost
astonishment, and roared so loud that they all ran
back in a fright; and some of them, as I was after-
wards told, were hurt with the falls they got by leaping
from my sides upon the ground. However, they soon
returned; and one of them, who ventured so far as to
get a full sight of my face, lifting up his hands and
eyes by way of admiration, cried out, in a shrill but
distinct voice, Hekinah degul; the others repeated the
same words several times; but I then knew not what
they meant. I lay all this while, as the reader may
believe, in great uneasiness. At length struggling to
get loose, I had the fortune to break the strings and
wrench out the pegs that fastened my left arm to the
ground; for, by lifting it up to my face, I discovered
the methods they had taken to bind me; and at the
same time, with a violent pull, which gave me ex-
cessive pain, I a little loosened the strings that tied
down my hair on the left side, so that I was just able
to turn my head about two inches. But the creatures
ran off a second time before I could seize them;
whereupon there was a great shout in a very shrill
accent, and after it ceased I heard one of them cry
aloud, Tolgo phonac; when in an instant I felt above
a hundred arrows discharged on my left hand, which
pricked me like so many needles; and besides, they
shot another flight into the air, as we do bombs in
Europe, whereof many, I suppose, fell on my body
(though I felt them not,) and some on my face, which
I immediately covered with my left hand. When this
96
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
saw.
shower of arrows was over, I fell a-groaning with
grief and pain; and then striving again to get loose,
they discharged another volley, larger than the first,
and some of them attempted with spears to stick me
in the sides; but, by good luck, I had on me a buff
jerkin, which they could not pierce. I thought it the
most prudent method to lie still; and my design was
to continue so till night, when, my left hand being
already loose, I could easily free myself: and as for
the inhabitants, I had reason to believe I might be a
match for the greatest army they could bring against
me, if they were all of the same size with him that I
But fortune disposed otherwise of me. When
the people observed I was quiet, they discharged no
more arrows; but by the noise I heard, I knew their
numbers increased; and about four yards from me,
over against my right car, I heard a knocking for
above an hour, like that of people at work; when,
turning my head that way as well as the pegs and
strings would permit me, I saw a stage erected about
a foot and a half from the ground, capable of holding
four of the inhabitants, with two or three ladders to
mount it; from whence one of them, who seemed to
be a person of quality, made me a long speech, whereof
I understood not one syllable. But I should have
mentioned that before the principal person began his
oration, he cried out three times, Langro dehul san;
(these words and the former were afterwards repeated
and explained to me ;) whereupon immediately about
fifty of the inhabitants came and cut the strings that
fastened the left side of my head, which gave me the
liberty of turning it to the right, and of observing the
person and gesture of him that was to speak. He
GULLIVER'S RECEPTION IN LILLIPUT
97
appeared to be of a middle age, and taller than any of
the other three who attended him; whereof one was a
page, that held up his train, and seemed to be somewhat
longer than my middle finger; the other two stood
one on each side to support him.
He acted every
part of an orator, and I could observe many periods of
threatenings, and others of promises, pity, and kind-
ness. I answered in a few words, but in the most
submissive manner, lifting up my left hand and both
my eyes to the sun, as calling him for a witness; and
being almost famished with hunger, having not eaten
a morsel for some hours before I left the ship, I found
the demands of nature so strong upon me, that I could
not forbear showing my impatience, perhaps against
the strict rules of decency, by putting my finger fre-
quently to my mouth, to signify that I wanted food.
The hurgo (for so they call a great lord, as I afterwards
learned) understood me very well. He descended
from the stage, and commanded that several ladders
should be applied to my sides, on which above a
hundred of the inhabitants mounted, and walked
towards my mouth, laden with baskets full of meat,
which had been provided and sent thither by the king's
orders, upon the first intelligence he received of me. I
observed there was the flesh of several animals, but
could not distinguish them by the taste.
There were
shoulders, legs, and loins, shaped like those of mutton,
and very well dressed, but smaller than the wings of
a lark. I eat them by two or three at a mouthful,
and took three loaves at a time, about the bigness of
musket-bullets. They supplied me as fast as they
could, showing a thousand marks of wonder and
astonishment at my bulk and appetite. I then made
H
98
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
another sign, that I wanted drink. They found by
my eating that a small quantity would not suffice me;
and, being a most ingenious people, they slung up,
with great dexterity, one of their largest hogsheads,
then rolled it towards my hand, and beat out the top :
I drank it off at a draught, which I might well do, for
it did not hold half a pint, and tasted like a small
wine of Burgundy, but much more delicious. They
brought me a second hogshead, which I drank in the
same manner, and made signs for more; but they had
none to give me. When I had performed these
wonders, they shouted for joy, and danced upon my
breast, repeating several times, as they did at first,
Hekinah degul. They made me a sign that I should
throw down the two hogsheads, but first warning the
people below to stand out of the way, crying aloud,
Borach mevolah; and when they saw the vessels in
the air, there was a universal shout of Hekinah degul.
I confess I was often tempted, while they were passing
backwards and forwards on my body, to seize forty or
fifty of the first that came in my reach, and dash them
against the ground. But the remembrance of what I
had felt, which probably might not be the worst they
could do, and the promise of honour I had made them,—
for so I interpreted my submissive behaviour,—soon
drove out these imaginations. Besides, I now con-
sidered myself as bound by the laws of hospitality to a
people who had treated me with so much expense and
magnificence. However, in my thoughts I could not
sufficiently wonder at the intrepidity of these diminutive
mortals, who durst venture to mount and walk upon
my body, while one of my hands was at liberty, with-
out trembling at the very sight of so prodigious a
GULLIVER'S RECEPTION IN LILLIPUT
99
creature as I must appear to them. After some time,
when they observed that I made no more demands for
meat, there appeared before me a person of high rank
from his imperial majesty. His excellency, having
mounted on the small of my right leg, advanced
forwards up to my face, with about a dozen of his
retinue; and producing his credentials under the
signet-royal, which he applied close to my eyes, spoke
about ten minutes without any signs of anger, but with
a kind of determined resolution, often pointing for-
wards, which as I afterwards found was towards the
capital city, about half a mile distant, whither it was
agreed by his majesty in council that I must be con-
veyed. I answered in a few words, but to no purpose,
and made a sign with my hand that was loose, putting
it to the other, (but over his excellency's head, for fear
of hurting him or his train,) and then to my own head
and body, to signify that I desired my liberty. It
appeared that he understood me well enough for he
shook his head by way of disapprobation, and held his
hand in a posture to show that I must be carried as a
prisoner. However, he made other signs, to let me
understand that I should have meat and drink enough,
and very good treatment. Whereupon I once more
thought of attempting to break my bonds; but again,
when I felt the smart of their arrows upon my face
and hands, which were all in blisters, and many of the
darts still sticking in them, and observing likewise
that the number of my enemies increased, I gave
tokens to let them know that they might do with me
what they pleased. Upon this the hurgo and his train
withdrew, with much civility and cheerful countenances.
THE INVENTORY OF WHAT WAS FOUND
UPON THE MAN-MOUNTAIN
In the mean time the emperor held frequent councils
to debate what course should be taken with me; and
I was afterwards assured by a particular friend, a
person of great quality, who was as much in the secret
as any, that the court was under many difficulties.
concerning me. They apprehended my breaking
loose; that my diet would be very expensive, and
might cause a famine. Sometimes they determined
to starve me, or at least to shoot me in the face
and hands with poisoned arrows, which would soon
despatch me ; but again they considered that the stench
of so large a carcase might produce a plague in the
metropolis, and probably spread through the whole
kingdom. In the midst of these consultations several
officers of the army went to the door of the great
council-chamber, and two of them, being admitted,
gave an account of my behaviour which made so
favourable an impression in the breast of his majesty
and the whole board in my behalf that an imperial
commission was issued out, obliging all the villages,
nine hundred yards round the city, to deliver in every
morning six beeves, forty sheep, and other victuals,
THE INVENTORY
101
for my sustenance; together with a proportionable
quantity of bread, and wine and other liquors; for the
due payment of which his majesty gave assignments
upon his treasury: for this prince lives chiefly upon
his own demesnes, seldom, except upon great occa
sions, raising any subsidies upon his subjects, who are
bound to attend him in his wars at their own expense.
An establishment was also made of six hundred
persons to be my domestics, who had board wages
allowed for their maintenance, and tents built for
them very conveniently on each side of my door. It
was likewise ordered that three hundred tailors should
make me a suit of clothes after the fashion of the
country; that six of his majesty's greatest scholars
should be employed to instruct me in their language;
and lastly, that the emperor's horses, and those of the
nobility and troops of guards, should be frequently
exercised in my sight, to accustom themselves to me.
All these orders were duly put in execution; and in
about three weeks I made a great progress in learning
their language; during which time the emperor fre-
quently honoured me with his visits, and was pleased to
assist my masters in teaching me. We began already
to converse together in some sort; and the first words
I learnt were to express my desire "that he would
please to give me my liberty;" which I every day
repeated on my knees. His answer, as I could appre-
hend it, was,
"that this must be a work of time, not
to be thought on without the advice of his council, and
that first I must lumos kelmin pesso desmar lon em-
poso;" that is, swear a peace with him and his king-
dom. However, that I should be used with all kindness.
And he advised me to "acquire, by my patience and
102
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
discreet behaviour, the good opinion of himself and
his subjects." He desired "I would not take it ill if
he gave orders to certain proper officers to search me;
for probably I might carry about me several weapons,
which must needs be dangerous things, if they
answered the bulk of so prodigious a person.'
I said,
"his majesty should be satisfied, for I was ready to
strip myself and turn up my pockets before him.'
This I delivered part in words and part in signs. He
replied, "that by the laws of the kingdom I must be
searched by two of his officers; that he knew this
could not be done without my consent and assistance;
and he had so good an opinion of my generosity and
justice as to trust their persons in my hands ; that
whatever they took from me should be returned when
I left the country, or paid for at the rate which I
would set upon them." I took up the two officers in
my hands, put them first into my coat-pockets, and
then into every other pocket about me, except my two
fobs and another secret pocket, which I had no mind
should be searched, wherein I had some little neces-
saries that were of no consequence to any but myself.
In one of my fobs there was a silver watch, and in the
other a small quantity of gold in a purse. These
gentlemen, having pen, ink, and paper about them,
made an exact inventory of everything they saw; and
when they had done desired I would set them down,
that they might deliver it to the emperor.
This
inventory I afterwards translated into English, and is,
word for word, as follows :-
JA
"}
Imprimis, in the right coat-pocket of the great man-
mountain (for so I interpret the words quinbus flestrin),
after the strictest search, we found only one great
THE INVENTORY
103
piece of coarse cloth, large enough to be a footcloth
for your majesty's chief room of state. In the left
pocket we saw a huge silver chest, with a cover of the
same metal, which we the searchers were not able to
lift. We desired it should be opened, and one of us
stepping into it found himself up to the mid-leg in a
sort of dust, some part whereof, flying up to our faces,
set us both a-sneezing for several times together. In
his right waistcoat-pocket we found a prodigious
bundle of white thin substances, folded one over
another, about the bigness of three men, tied with a
strong cable, and marked with black figures, which we
humbly conceive to be writings, every letter almost
half as large as the palm of our hands. In the left
there was a sort of engine, from the back of which
were extended twenty long poles, resembling the
palisadoes before your majesty's court, wherewith we
conjecture the man-mountain combs his head; for we
did not always trouble him with questions, because we
found it a great difficulty to make him understand us.
In the large pocket, on the right side of his middle
cover (so I translate the word ranfulo, by which they
meant my breeches), we saw a hollow pillar of iron,
about the length of a man, fastened to a strong piece
of timber larger than the pillar; and upon one side of
the pillar were huge pieces of iron sticking out, cut
into strange figures, which we know not what to make
of. In the left pocket another engine of the same
kind. In the smaller pocket, on the right side, were
several round flat pieces of white and red metal, of
different bulk; some of the white, which seemed to be
silver, were so large and heavy that my comrade and I
could hardly lift them. In the left pocket were two
104
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
black pillars irregularly shaped; we could not, with-
out difficulty, reach the top of them as we stood at the
bottom of his pocket. One of them was covered, and
seemed all of a piece; but at the upper end of the
other there appeared a white round substance, about
twice the bigness of our heads. Within each of these
was enclosed a prodigious plate of steel; which, by
our orders, we obliged him to show us, because we
apprehended they might be dangerous engines. He
took them out of their cases, and told us that, in his
own country, his practice was to shave his beard with
one of these, and cut his meat with the other. There
were two pockets which we could not enter; these he
called his fobs; they were two large slits cut into the
top of his middle cover, but squeezed close by the
pressure of his belly. Out of the right fob hung a
great silver chain, with a wonderful kind of engine at
the bottom. We directed him to draw out whatever
was at the end of that chain, which appeared to be a
globe, half silver, and half of some transparent metal;
for, on the transparent side, we saw certain strange
figures circularly drawn, and thought we could touch
them, till we found our fingers stopped by that lucid
substance. He put this engine to our ears, which
made an incessant noise, like that of a water-mill; and
we conjecture it is either some unknown animal, or
the god that he worships; but we are more inclined to
the latter opinion, because he assured us (if we
understood him right, for he expressed himself very
imperfectly) that he seldom did anything without
consulting it. He called it his oracle, and said it
pointed out the time for every action of his life. From
the left fob he took out a net, almost large enough for
THE INVENTORY
105
a fisherman, but contrived to open and shut like a
purse, and served him for the same use; we found
therein several massy pieces of yellow metal, which, if
they be real gold, must be of immense value.
CC
Having thus, in obedience to your majesty's com-
mands, diligently searched all his pockets, we observed
a girdle about his waist, made of the hide of some
prodigious animal, from which, on the left side, hung a
sword of the length of five men; and on the right, a
bag or pouch divided into two cells, each cell capable
of holding three of your majesty's subjects. In one of
these cells were several globes, or balls, of a most
ponderous metal, about the bigness of our heads, and
required a strong hand to lift them; the other cell
contained a heap of certain black grains, but of no
great bulk or weight, for we could hold above fifty
of them in the palms of our hands.
"This is an exact inventory of what we found about
the body of the man-mountain, who used us with
great civility, and due respect to your majesty's
commission. Signed and sealed on the fourth day of
the eighty-ninth moon of your majesty's auspicious
reign.
"CLEFRIN FRELOCK, MARSI FRELOCK.”
When this inventory was read over to the emperor,
he directed me, although in very gentle terms, to
deliver up the several particulars. He first called for
my scimitar, which I took out, scabbard and all. In
the meantime he ordered three thousand of his choicest
troops (who then attended him) to surround me, at a
distance, with their bows and arrows just ready to dis-
charge; but I did not observe it, for mine eyes were
106
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
wholly fixed upon his majesty. He then desired me to
draw my scimitar, which, although it had got some
rust by the sea-water, was in most parts exceeding
bright. I did so, and immediately all the troops gave
a shout between terror and surprise; for the sun shone
clear, and the reflection dazzled their eyes as I waved
the scimitar to and fro in my hand. His majesty, who
is a most magnanimous prince, was less daunted than I
could expect; he ordered me to return it into the scab-
bard, and cast it on the ground as gently as I could,
about six feet from the end of my chain. The next
thing he demanded was one of the hollow iron pillars,
by which he meant my pocket pistols. I drew it out,
and, at his desire, as well as I could, expressed to him
the use of it; and, charging it only with powder, which
by the closeness of my pouch, happened to escape wet-
ting in the sea (an inconvenience against which all
prudent mariners take special care to provide), I first
cautioned the emperor not to be afraid, and then I
let it off in the air. The astonishment here was much
greater than at the sight of my scimitar. Hundreds fell
down as if they had been struck dead; and even the
emperor, although he stood his ground, could not re-
cover himself for some time. I delivered up both my
pistols in the same manner as I had done my scimitar,
and then my pouch of powder and bullets; begging him
that the former might be kept from fire, for it would
kindle with the smallest spark, and blow up his im
perial palace into the air. I likewise delivered up my
watch, which the emperor was very curious to see, and
commanded two of his tallest yeoman of the guards to
bear it on a pole upon their shoulders, as draymen in
England do a barrel of ale. He was amazed at the
THE INVENTORY
107
continual noise it made, and the motion of the minute-
hand, which he could easily discern, for their sight is
much more acute than ours; he asked the opinions of
his learned men about it, which were various and re-
mote, as the reader may well imagine without my
repeating; although, indeed, I could not very per-
fectly understand them. I then gave up my silver and
copper money, my purse with nine large pieces of gold
and some smaller ones; my knife and razor, my comb
and silver snuff-box, my handkerchief and journal-book.
My scimitar, pistols, and pouch, were conveyed in
carriages to his majesty's stores; but the rest of my
goods were returned me.
FACTIONS IN THE STATE OF LILLIPUT
ONE morning, about a fortnight after I had ob-
tained my liberty, Reldresal, principal secretary (as
they style him) for private affairs, came to my house
attended only by one servant. He ordered his coach
to wait at a distance, and desired I would give him an
hour's audience; which I readily consented to, on
account of his quality and personal merits, as well as
of the many good offices he had done me during my
solicitations at court. I offered to lie down, that he
might the more conveniently reach my ear; but he
chose rather to let me hold him in my hand during our
conversation. He began with compliments on my
liberty; said, "he might pretend to some merit in it;"
but, however, added, "that if it had not been for the
present situation of things at court, perhaps I might
not have obtained it so soon. For," said he, "as
flourishing a condition as we may appear to be in to
foreigners, we labour under two mighty evils: a violent
faction at home, and the danger of an invasion by a
most potent enemy from abroad. As to the first, you are
to understand that for above seventy moons past there
have been two struggling parties in this empire, under
the names of Tramecksan and Slamecksan, from the
high and low heels of their shoes, by which they
FACTIONS IN LILLIPUT
109
distinguish themselves. It is alleged, indeed, that the
high heels are most agreeable to our ancient consti-
tution; but, however this be, his majesty has deter-
mined to make use only of low heels in the administra-
tion of the government and all offices in the gift of
the crown, as you cannot but observe; and particularly,
that his majesty's imperial heels are lower at least by
a drurr than any of his court (drurr is a measure
about the fourteenth part of an inch). The animosities
between these two parties run so high, that they will
neither eat, nor drink, nor talk with each other. We
compute the Tramecksan, or high heels, to exceed us in
number: but the power is wholly on our side. We
apprehend his imperial highness, the heir to the
crown, to have some tendency towards the high heels;
at least, we can plainly discover that one of his heels is
higher than the other, which gives him a hobble in his
gait. Now, in the midst of these intestine disquiets,
we are threatened with an invasion from the island of
Blefuscu, which is the other great empire of the uni-
verse, almost as large and powerful as this of his
majesty. For as to what we have heard you affirm,
that there are other kingdoms and states in the world,
inhabited by human creatures as large as yourself, our
philosophers are in much doubt, and would rather con-
jecture that you dropped from the moon or one of the
stars; because it is certain that a hundred mortals of
your bulk would in a short time destroy all the fruits and
cattle of his majesty's dominions: besides, our histories
of six thousand moons make no mention of any other
regions than the two great empires of Lilliput and Ble-
fuscu. Which two mighty powers have, as I was going
to tell you, been engaged in a most obstinate war for six-
IIO
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
:
and-thirty moons past. It began upon the following
occasion it is allowed on all hands that the primitive
way of breaking eggs, before we eat them, was upon
the larger end; but his present majesty's grandfather,
while he was a boy, going to eat an egg, and breaking
it according to the ancient practice, happened to cut
one of his fingers. Whereupon the emperor his father
published an edict, commanding all his subjects, upon
great penalties, to break the smaller ends of their eggs.
The people so highly resented this law, that our
histories tell us there have been six rebellions raised on
that account; wherein one emperor lost his life, and
another his crown. These civil commotions were
constantly fomented by the monarchs of Blefuscu; and
when they were quelled, the exiles always fled for
refuge to that empire. It is computed that eleven
thousand persons have at several times suffered death,
rather than submit to break their eggs at the smaller
end. Many hundred large volumes have been pub.
lished upon this controversy; but the books of the
Big-endians have been long forbidden, and the whole
party rendered incapable by law of holding employ-
ments. During the course of these troubles, the
emperors of Blefuscu did frequently expostulate by
their ambassadors, accusing us of making a schism in
religion, by offending against a fundamental doctrine of
our great prophet Lustrog, in the fifty-fourth chapter
of the Blundecral (which is their Alcoran). This,
however, is thought to be a mere strain upon the text;
for the words are these: that all true believers break
their eggs at the convenient end. And which is the
convenient end seems in my humble opinion to be left
to every man's conscience, or at least in the power
FACTIONS IN LILLIPUT
ITI
of the chief magistrate to determine. Now, the Big-
endian exiles have found so much credit in the emperor
of Blefuscu's court, and so much private assistance and
encouragement from their party here at home, that a
bloody war has been carried on between the two
empires for six-and-thirty moons, with various success ;
during which time we have lost forty capital ships, and
a much greater number of smaller vessels, together
with thirty thousand of our best seamen and soldiers;
and the damage received by the enemy is reckoned
to be somewhat greater than ours. However, they
have now equipped a numerous fleet, and are just pre-
paring to make a descent upon us and his imperial
majesty, placing great confidence in your valour and
strength, has commanded me to lay this account of his
affairs before you."
I desired the secretary to present my humble duty to
the emperor; and to let him know "that I thought it
would not become me, who was a foreigner, to interfere
with parties; but I was ready, with the hazard of my
life, to defend his person and state against all invaders.”
THE CAPTURE OF THE FLEET OF
BLEFUSCU
THE empire of Blefuscu is an island situated to the
north-east of Lilliput, from which it is parted only by
a channel of eight hundred yards wide. I had not yet
seen it, and, upon this notice of an intended invasion,
I avoided appearing on that side of the coast, for fear
of being discovered by some of the enemy's ships, who
had received no intelligence of me; all intercourse
between the two empires having been strictly forbidden
during the war upon pain of death, and an embargo
laid by our emperor upon all vessels whatsoever. I
communicated to his majesty a project I had formed
of seizing the enemy's whole fleet; which, as our
scouts assured us, lay at anchor in the harbour, ready
to sail with the first fair wind. I consulted the most
experienced seamen upon the depth of the channel,
which they had often plumbed ; who told me that in the
middle, at high water, it was seventy glumgluffs deep,
which is about six feet of European measure; and the
rest of it fifty glumgluffs at most. I walked towards
the north-east coast, over against Blefuscu; where,
lying down behind a hillock, I took out my small
perspective glass, and viewed the enemy's fleet at
!
CAPTURE OF THE FLEET OF blefuscu
113
anchor, consisting of about fifty men-of-war, and a
great number of transports: I then came back to my
house, and gave orders (for which I had a warrant) for
a great quantity of the strongest cable and bars of
iron. The cable was about as thick as packthread,
and the bars of the length and size of a knitting-
needle. I trebled the cable to make it stronger, and
for the same reason I twisted three of the iron bars
together, bending the extremities into a hook. Having
thus fixed fifty hooks to as many cables, I went back
to the north-east coast, and, putting off my coat, shoes,
and stockings, walked into the sea, in my leathern
jerkin, about half an hour before high water. I waded
with what haste I could, and swam in the middle
about thirty yards, till I felt ground. I arrived at the
fleet in less than half an hour. The enemy were so
frighted when they saw me, that they leaped out of
their ships, and swam to shore, where there could not
be fewer than thirty thousand souls: I then took my
tackling, and, fastening a hook to the hole at the prow
of each, I tied all the cords together at the end.
While I was thus employed, the enemy discharged
several thousand arrows, many of which stuck in my
hands and face, and, besides the excessive smart, gave
me much disturbance in my work. My greatest
apprehension was for mine eyes, which I should have
infallibly lost, if I had not suddenly thought of an
expedient. I kept, among other little necessaries, a
pair of spectacles in a private pocket, which, as I
observed before, had escaped the emperor's searchers.
These I took out, and fastened as strongly as I could
upon my nose; and, thus armed, went on boldly with
my work, in spite of the enemy's arrows; many of
I
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GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
which struck against the glasses of my spectacles, but
without any other effect farther than a little to dis-
compose them. I had now fastened all the hooks,
and, taking the knot in my hand, began to pull; but
not a ship would stir, for they were all too fast held
by their anchors, so that the boldest part of my enter-
prise remained. I therefore let go the cord, and,
leaving the hooks fixed to the ships, I resolutely cut
with my knife the cables that fastened the anchors,
receiving about two hundred shots in my face and
hands; then I took up the knotted end of the cables,
to which my hooks were tied, and with great ease
drew fifty of the enemy's largest men-of-war after me.
The Blefuscudians, who had not the least imagina-
tion of what I intended, were at first confounded with
astonishment. They had seen me cut the cables, and
thought my design was only to let the ships run adrift,
or fall foul on each other; but when they perceived
the whole fleet moving in order, and saw me pulling
at the end, they set up such a scream of grief and
despair, as it is almost impossible to describe or con-
ceive. When I had got out of danger, I stopped a while
to pick out the arrows that stuck in my hands and
face; and rubbed on some ointment. I then took
off my spectacles, and waiting about an hour, till the
tide was a little fallen, I waded through the middle
with my cargo, and arrived safe at the royal port of
Lilliput.
ARRIVAL IN BROBDINGNAG
I FELL into a high road, for so I took it to be, though
it served to the inhabitants only as a footpath through
a field of barley. Here I walked on for some time,
but could see little on either side, it being now near
harvest, and the corn rising at least forty feet. I was
an hour walking to the end of this field, which was
fenced in with a hedge of at least one hundred and
twenty feet high, and the trees so lofty that I could
make no computation of their altitude. There was a
stile to pass from this field into the next. It had
four steps, and a stone to cross over when you came
to the uppermost. It was impossible for me to climb
this stile, because every step was six feet high, and
the upper stone about twenty. I was endeavouring
to find some gap in the hedge, when I discovered one
of the inhabitants in the next field, advancing towards
the stile. He appeared as tall as an ordinary spire-
steeple, and took about ten yards at every stride, as
near as I could guess. I was struck with the utmost
fear and astonishment, and ran to hide myself in the
corn, whence I saw him at the top of the stile, look-
ing back into the next field on the right hand, and
heard him call in a voice many degrees louder than
a speaking-trumpet; but the noise was so high in the
116
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
+
}
air that at first I certainly thought it was thunder.
Whereupon seven monsters like himself came towards
him with reaping-hooks in their hands, each hook
about the largeness of six scythes. These people
were not so well clad as the first, whose servants or
labourers they seemed to be; for, upon some words
he spoke, they went to reap the corn in the field
where I lay. I kept from them at as great a dis-
tance as I could, but was forced to move with ex-
treme difficulty, for the stalks of the corn were some-
times not above a foot distant, so that I could hardly
squeeze my body betwixt them. However, I made a
shift to go forward, till I came to a part of the field
where the corn had been laid by the rain and wind.
Here it was impossible for me to advance a step; for
the stalks were so interwoven that I could not creep
through, and the beards of the fallen ears so strong
and pointed, that they pierced through my clothes
into my flesh. At the same time I heard the reapers
not above a hundred yards behind me. Being quite
dispirited with toil, and wholly overcome by grief and
despair, I lay down between two ridges, and heartily
wished I might there end my days. I bemoaned my
desolate widow and fatherless children. I lamented
my own folly and wilfulness, in attempting a second
voyage against the advice of all my friends and rela-
tions. In this terrible agitation of mind, I could
not forbear thinking of Lilliput, whose inhabitants
looked upon me as the greatest prodigy that ever ap-
peared in the world; where I was able to draw an
imperial fleet in my hand, and perform those other
actions which will be recorded for ever in the chronicles
of that empire, while posterity shall hardly believe
ARRIVAL IN BROBDINGNAG
117
them, although attested by millions. I reflected what
a mortification it must prove to me to appear as in-
considerable in this nation, as one single Lilliputian
would be among us.
But this I conceived was to be
the least of my misfortunes: for, as human creatures
are observed to be more savage and cruel in propor-
tion to their bulk, what could I expect but to be a
morsel in the mouth of the first among these enormous
barbarians that should happen to seize me? Un-
doubtedly philosophers are in the right, when they
tell us that nothing is great or little otherwise than by
comparison. It might have pleased fortune to let the
Lilliputians find some nation where the people were
as diminutive with respect to them, as they were to
me. And who knows but that even this prodigious race
of mortals might be equally overmatched in some
distant part of the world whereof we have yet no
discovery?
Scared and confounded as I was, I could not forbear
going on with these reflections, when one of the reapers,
approaching within ten yards of the ridge where I lay,
made me apprehend that with the next step I should be
squashed to death under his foot, or cut in two with
his reaping-hook. And therefore, when he was again
about to move, I screamed as loud as fear could make
me: whereupon the huge creature trod short, and,
looking round about under him for some time, at last
espied me as I lay on the ground. He considered a
while, with the caution of one who endeavours to lay
hold on a small dangerous animal in such a manner
that it shall not be able either to scratch or to bite
him, as I myself have sometimes done with a weasel
in England. At length he ventured to take me
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GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
behind, by the middle, between his fore-finger and
thumb, and brought me within three yards of his eyes,
that he might behold my shape more perfectly. I
guessed his meaning, and my good fortune gave me
so much presence of mind, that I resolved not to
struggle in the least as he held me in the air above
sixty feet from the ground, (although he grievously
pinched my sides,) for fear I should slip through his
fingers. All I ventured was to raise mine eyes towards
the sun, and place my hands together in a supplicating
posture, and to speak some words in an humble, melan-
choly tone, suitable to the condition I then was in:
for I apprehended every moment that he would dash
me against the ground, as we usually do any little.
hateful animal which we have a mind to destroy. But
my good star would have it that he appeared pleased
with my voice and gestures, and began to look upon
me as a curiosity, much wondering to hear me pro-
nounce articulate words, although he could not under-
stand them. In the mean time I was not able to
forbear groaning and shedding tears, and turning my
head towards my sides; letting him know, as well as
I could, how cruelly I was hurt by the pressure of his
thumb and finger. He seemed to apprehend my
meaning; for lifting up the lappet of his coat, he put
me gently into it, and immediately ran along with me
to his master, who was a substantial farmer, and the
same person I had first seen in the field.
The farmer, having (as I suppose by their talk)
received such an account of me as his servant could
give him, took a piece of a small straw, about the size
of a walking staff, and therewith lifted up the lappets
of my coat; which it seems he thought to be some
ARRIVAL IN BROBDINGNAG
119
kind of covering that nature had given me. He blew
my hairs aside to take a better view of my face. He
called his hinds about him, and asked them (as I
afterwards learned) whether they had ever seen in the
fields any little creature that resembled me. He then
placed me softly on the ground upon all four, but I
got immediately up, and walked slowly backwards
and forwards, to let those people see I had no intent
to run away. They all sat down in a circle about me,
the better to observe my motions. I pulled off my
hat, and made a low bow towards the farmer. I fell
on my knees, and lifted up my hands and eyes, and
spoke several words as loud as I could. I took a
purse of gold out of my pocket, and humbly presented
it to him. He received it on the palm of his hand,
then applied it close to his eye to see what it was, and
afterwards turned it several times with the point of a
pin, which he took out of his sleeve, but could make
nothing of it. Whereupon I made a sign that he should
place his hand on the ground. I then took the purse,
and, opening it, poured all the gold into his palm.
There were six Spanish pieces of four pistoles each,
besides twenty or thirty smaller coins. I saw him
wet the tip of his little finger upon his tongue, and
take up one of my largest pieces, and then another;
but he seemed to be wholly ignorant what they were.
He made me a sign to put them again into my purse,
and the purse again into my pocket, which, after
offering it to him several times, I thought it best
to do.
The farmer by this time was convinced I must be a
rational creature. He spoke often to me, but the
sound of his voice pierced my ears like that of a water-
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GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
mill, yet his words were articulate enough. I answered
as loud as I could in several languages, and he often
laid his ear within two yards of me; but all in vain,
for we were wholly unintelligible to each other. He
then sent his servants to their work, and, taking his
handkerchief out of his pocket, he doubled and spread
it on his left hand, which he placed flat on the ground
with the palm upward, making me a sign to step into
it; as I could easily do, for it was not above a foot in
thickness. I thought it my part to obey; and, for
fear of falling, laid myself at full length upon the
handkerchief, with the remainder of which he lapped
me up to the head for farther security, and in this
manner carried me home to his house. There he
called his wife, and showed me to her; but she
screamed and ran back, as women in England do at
the sight of a toad or a spider. However,
However, when she
had awhile seen my behaviour, and how well I observed
the signs her husband made, she was soon reconciled,
and by degrees grew extremely tender of me.
It was about twelve at noon, and a servant brought
in dinner. It was only one substantial dish of meat,
fit for the plain condition of an husbandman, in a
dish of about four and twenty feet diameter. The
company were the farmer and his wife, three children,
and an old grandmother. When they were sat down,
the farmer placed me at some distance from him on
the table, which was thirty feet high from the floor.
I was in a terrible fright, and kept as far as I could
from the edge, for fear of falling. The wife minced a
bit of meat, then crumbled some bread on a trencher,
and placed it before me. I made her a low bow, took
out my knife and fork, and fell to eat, which gave them
*
ARRIVAL IN BROBDINGNAG
121
exceeding delight. The mistress sent her maid for a
small dram-cup, which held about two gallons, and filled
it with drink; I took up the vessel with much difficulty
in both hands, and in a most respectful manner drank to
her ladyship's health, expressing the words as loud as
I could in English; which made the company laugh
so heartily, that I was almost deafened with the noise.
This liquor tasted like a small cider, and was not un-
pleasant. Then the master made me a sign to come
to his trencher side; but as I walked on the table,
being in great surprise all the time, as the indulgent
reader will easily conceive and excuse, I happened to
stumble against a crust, and fell flat on my face, but
received no hurt. I got up immediately, and ob-
serving the good people to be in much concern, I took
my hat, which I held under my arm out of good
manners, and waving it over my head, made three
huzzas, to show I had got no mischief by my fall.
But advancing forward towards my master (as I shall
henceforth call him), his youngest son, who sat next
to him, an arch boy of about ten years old, took
me up by the legs, and held me so high in the air,
that I trembled every limb; but his father snatched
me from him, and at the same time gave him such a
box on the left ear as would have felled an European
troop of horse to the earth, ordering him to be taken
from the table. But being afraid the boy might owe
me a spite, and well remembering how mischievous
all children among us naturally are to sparrows,
rabbits, young kittens, and puppy-dogs, I fell on my
knees, and, pointing to the boy, made my master to
understand as well as I could that I desired his son
might be pardoned. The father complied, and the
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GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
lad took his seat again; whereupon I went to him.
and kissed his hand, which my master took, and made
him stroke me gently with it.
In the midst of dinner, my mistress's favourite cat
leaped into her lap. I heard a noise behind me like
that of a dozen stocking-weavers at work; and, turning
my head, I found it proceeded from the purring of
that animal, who seemed to be three times larger
than an ox, as I computed by the view of her head
and one of her paws, while her mistress was feeding
and stroking her. The fierceness of this creature's
countenance altogether discomposed me; though I
stood at the farther end of the table, about fifty feet
off, and although my mistress held her fast, for fear she
might give a spring and seize me in her talons. But
it happened there was no danger; for the cat took
not the least notice of me, when my master placed me
within three yards of her. And, as I have been
always told, and found true by experience in my
travels, that flying or discovering fear before a fierce
animal is a certain way to make it pursue or attack
you, so I resolved in this dangerous juncture to show
no manner of concern. I walked with intrepidity five
or six times before the very head of the cat, and came
within half a yard of her; whereupon she drew herself
back, as if she were more afraid of me. I had less
apprehension concerning the dogs, whereof three or
four came into the room, as it is usual in farmers'
houses: one of which was a mastiff equal in bulk to
four elephants, and a greyhound somewhat taller than
the mastiff, but not so large.
THE KING OF BROBDINGNAG'S INQUIRY
INTO THE STATE OF ENGLAND
THE king, who was a prince of excellent understand-
ing, would frequently order that I should be brought
in my box, and set upon the table in his closet: he
would then command me to bring one of my chairs
out of the box, and sit down within three yards'
distance, upon the top of the cabinet, which brought
me almost to a level with his face. In this manner I
had several conversations with him. I one day took
the freedom to tell his majesty, "that the contempt
he discovered towards Europe, and the rest of the
world, did not seem answerable to those excellent
qualities of mind that he was master of: that reason
did not extend itself with the bulk of the body; on
the contrary, we observed in our country that the
tallest persons were usually the least provided with
it; that, among other animals, bees and ants had the
reputation of more industry, art, and sagacity, than
many of the larger kinds: and that, as inconsiderable
as he took me to be, I hoped I might live to do his
majesty some signal service." The king heard me with
attention, and began to conceive a much better opinion
of me than he had ever before. He desired "I would
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GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
give him as exact an account of the government of
England as I possibly could; because, as fond as
princes commonly are of their own customs, (for so he
conjectured of other monarchs by my former dis-
courses,) he should be glad to hear of anything that
might deserve imitation.”
Imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often I
then wished for the tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero,
that might have enabled me to celebrate the praise of
my own dear native country in a style equal to its
merits and felicity.
I began my discourse by informing his majesty that
our dominions consisted of two islands, which composed
three mighty kingdoms, under one sovereign; besides
our plantations in America. I dwelt long upon the
fertility of our soil, and the temperature of our climate. I
then spoke at large upon the constitution of an English
parliament; partly made up of an illustrious body,
called the House of Peers, persons of the noblest blood
and of the most ancient and ample patrimonies. I de-
scribed that extraordinary care always taken of their
education in arts and arms, to qualify them for being
counsellors both to the king and kingdom; to have a
share in the legislature; to be members of the highest
court of judicature, whence there can be no appeal;
and to be champions always ready for the defence of
their prince and country, by their valour, conduct, and
fidelity. That these were the ornament and bulwark of
the kingdom, worthy followers of their most renowned
ancestors, whose honour had been the reward of
their virtue, from which their posterity were never
once known to degenerate. To these were joined
several holy persons, as part of that assembly, under
4
THE STATE OF ENGLAND
135
the title of bishops; whose peculiar business it is
to take care of religion, and of those who instruct the
people therein. These were searched and sought out
through the whole nation, by the prince and his wisest
counsellors, among such of the priesthood as were
most deservedly distinguished by the sanctity of their
lives and the depth of their erudition; who were indeed
the spiritual fathers of the clergy and the people.
That the other part of the parliament consisted of an
assembly called the House of Commons, who were all
principal gentlemen, freely picked and culled out by
the people themselves, for their great abilities and love
of their country, to represent the wisdom of the whole
nation. And that these two bodies made up the most
august assembly in Europe; to whom, in conjunction
with the prince, the whole legislature is committed.
I then descended to the courts of justice; over
which the judges, those venerable sages and interpre-
ters of the law, presided, for determining the disputed
rights and properties of men, as well as for the
punishment of vice and protection of innocence. I
mentioned the prudent management of our treasury,
the valour and achievements of our forces by sea and
land. I computed the number of our people, by
reckoning how many millions there might be of each
religious sect, or political party, among us. I did not
omit even our sports and pastimes, or any other par-
ticular which I thought might redound to the honour
of my country. And I finished all with a brief his-
torical account of affairs and events in England for
about a hundred years past.
This conversation was not ended under five audiences,
each of several hours; and the king heard the whole
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GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
with great attention, frequently taking notes of what I
spoke, as well as memorandums of what questions he
intended to ask me.
When I had put an end to these long discourses, his
majesty in a sixth audience, consulting his notes,
proposed many doubts, queries, and objections upon
every article. He asked: "What methods were used
to cultivate the minds and bodies of our young nobility,
and in what kind of business they commonly spent the
first and teachable part of their lives? What course
was taken to supply that assembly when any noble
family became extinct? What qualifications were
necessary in those who were to be created new lords;
whether the humour of the prince, a sum of money
to a court lady or a prime minister, or a design of
strengthening a party opposite to the public interest,
ever happened to be motives in those advancements?
What share of knowledge those lords had in the laws
of their country, and how they came by it, so as to
enable them to decide the properties of their fellow-
subjects in the last resort? Whether they were always
so free from avarice, partialities, or want, that a bribe,
or some other sinister view, could have no place
among them? Whether those holy lords I spoke of
were always promoted to that rank upon account of
their knowledge in religious matters, and the sanctity
of their lives; had never been compliers with the
times while they were common priests; or slavish
prostitute chaplains to some noblemen, whose opinions
they continued servilely to follow after they were
admitted into that assembly?"
He then desired to know "What arts were practised
in electing those whom I called commoners. Whether
THE STATE OF ENGLAND
127
a stranger, with a strong purse, might not influence the
vulgar voters to choose him before their own landlord,
or the most considerable gentleman in the neighbour-
hood? How it came to pass that people were so
violently bent upon getting into this assembly, which I
allowed to be a great trouble and expense, often to the
ruin of their families, without any salary or pension,
because this appeared such an exalted strain of virtue
and public spirit, that his majesty seemed to doubt it
might possibly not be always sincere?" And he desired
to know "Whether such zealous gentlemen could have
any views of refunding themselves for the charges and
trouble they were at, by sacrificing the public good to
the designs of a weak and vicious prince, in conjunction
with a corrupted ministry?" He multiplied his ques-
tions, and sifted me thoroughly upon every part of this
head; proposing numberless inquiries and objections
which I think it not prudent or convenient to repeat.
Upon what I said in relation to our courts of justice,
his majesty desired to be satisfied in several points :
and this I was the better able to do, having been
formerly almost ruined by a long suit in Chancery,
which was decreed for me with costs. He asked:
“What time was usually spent in determining between
right and wrong, and what degree of expense?
Whether advocates and orators had liberty to plead in
causes manifestly known to be unjust, vexatious, or
oppressive? Whether party in religion or politics
were observed to be of any weight in the scale of
justice? Whether those pleading orators were persons
educated in the general knowledge of equity, or only
in provincial, national, and other local customs?
Whether they or their judges had any part in penning
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GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
those laws which they assumed the liberty of inter-
preting and glossing upon at their pleasure? Whether
they had ever, at different times, pleaded for and
against the same cause, and cited precedents to prove
contrary opinions? Whether they were a rich or a
poor corporation? Whether they received any pecu-
niary reward for pleading or delivering their opinions?
And, particularly, whether they were ever admitted as
members in the lower senate?"
(C
He fell next upon the management of our treasury;
and said "He thought my memory had failed me, be-
cause I computed our taxes at about five or six millions
a-year, and when I came to mention the issues, he found
they sometimes amounted to more than double; for
the notes he had taken were very particular in this
point, because he hoped, as he told me, that the
knowledge of our conduct might be useful to him, and
he could not be deceived in his calculations. But, if
what I told him were true, he was still at a loss how
a kingdom could run out of its estate like a private
person." He asked me 'Who were our creditors, and
where we found money to pay them ?" He wondered to
hear me talk of such chargeable and expensive wars ;
"that certainly we must be a quarrelsome people, or live
among very bad neighbours, and that our generals must
needs be richer than our kings." He asked "What
business we had out of our own islands, unless upon
the score of trade or treaty, or to defend the coasts with
our fleet?" Above all, he was amazed to hear me talk of
a mercenary standing army, in the midst of peace, and
among a free people. He said: "If we were governed
by our own consent, in the persons of our representa-
tives, he could not imagine of whom we were afraid, or
THE STATE OF ENGLAND
129
against whom we were to fight; and would hear my
opinion, whether a private man's house might not
better be defended by himself, his children, and family,
than by half a dozen rascals picked up at a venture in
the streets for small wages, who might get a hundred
times more by cutting their throats?"
He laughed at my
"odd kind of arithmetic," as he
was pleased to call it, "in reckoning the numbers of
our people by a computation drawn from the several
sects among us in religion and politics." He said "He
knew no reason why those who entertain opinions
prejudicial to the public should be obliged to change, or
should not be obliged to conceal them. And as it
was tyranny in any government to require the first, so
it was weakness not to enforce the second; for a man
may be allowed to keep poisons in his closet, but not
to vend them about for cordials."
He observed "That among the diversions of our
nobility and gentry I had mentioned gaming: he
desired to know, at what age this entertainment was
usually taken up, and when it was laid down; how
much of their time it employed; whether it ever went
so high as to affect their fortunes; whether mean,
vicious people, by their dexterity in that art, might
not arrive at great riches, and sometimes keep our very
nobles in dependence, as well as habituate them to
vile companions, wholly take them from the improve-
ment of their minds, and force them by the losses they
received to learn and practise that infamous dexterity
upon others."
He was perfectly astonished with the historical
account I gave him of our affairs during the last cen-
tury; protesting "It was only a heap of conspiracies,
K
130
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
rebellions, murders, massacres, revolutions, banish-
ments, the very worst effects that avarice, faction,
hypocrisy, perfidiousness, cruelty, rage, madness, ha-
tred, envy, lust, malice, and ambition, could pro-
duce."
His majesty, in another audience, was at the pains
to recapitulate the sum of all I had spoken; compared
the questions he made with the answers I had given ;
then taking me into his hands, and stroking me gently,
delivered himself in these words, which I shall never
forget, nor the manner he spoke them in: "My little
friend Grildrig, you have made a most admirable
panegyric upon your country; you have clearly proved
that ignorance, idleness, and vice, are the proper
ingredients for qualifying a legislator; that laws are
best explained, interpreted, and applied, by those
whose interest and abilities lie in perverting, confound-
ing, and eluding them. I observe among you some
lines of an institution which, in its original, might have
been tolerable; but these half erased, and the rest
wholly blurred and blotted by corruptions. It does not
appear, from all you have said, how any one perfection
is required toward the procurement of any one station
among you; much less that men are ennobled on
account of their virtue, that priests are advanced for
their piety or learning, soldiers for their conduct or
valour, judges for their integrity, senators for the love
of their country, or counsellors for their wisdom. As
for yourself," continued the king, "who have spent
the greatest part of your life in travelling, I am well
disposed to hope you may hitherto have escaped many
vices of your country. But, by what I have gathered
from your own relation, and the answers I have with
THE STATE OF ENGLAND
131
much pains wringed and extorted from you, I cannot
but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the most
pernicious race of little odious vermin that nature ever
suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.
But great allowances should be given to a king who
lives wholly secluded from the rest of the world, and
must therefore be altogether unacquainted with the
manners and customs that prevail in other nations :
the want of which knowledge will ever produce many
prejudices, and a certain narrowness of thinking, from
which we, and the politer countries of Europe, are
wholly exempted. And it would be hard indeed, if so
remote a prince's notions of virtue and vice were to be
offered as a standard for all mankind.
***
THE HUMOURS OF THE LAPUTIANS
AT my alighting, I was surrounded with a crowd of
people, but those who stood nearest seemed to be of
better quality. They beheld me with all the marks
and circumstances of wonder; neither indeed was I
much in their debt, having never till then seen a race
of mortals so singular in their shapes, habits, and
countenances. Their heads were all reclined, either
to the right or the left: one of their eyes turned in-
wards, and the other directly up to the zenith. Their
outward garments were adorned with the figures of
suns, moons, and stars, interwoven with those of
fiddles, flutes, harps, trumpets, guitars, harpsichords,
and many other instruments of music unknown to us in
Europe. I observed here and there many in the habit
of servants, with a blown bladder fastened like a flail
to the end of a stick which they carried in their
hands. In each bladder was a small quantity of dried
pease, or little pebbles, as I was afterwards informed.
With these bladders they now and then flapped the
mouths and ears of those who stood near them, of which
practice I could not then conceive the meaning. It
seems the minds of these people are so taken up with
intense speculations, that they neither can speak, nor
attend to the discourses of others, without being roused
THE HUMOURS OF THE LAPUTIANS
133
by some external taction upon the organs of speech and
hearing; for which reason, those persons who are able
to afford it always keep a flapper (the original is clime-
nolc,) in their family, as one of their domestics, nor
ever walk abroad or make visits without him. And
the business of this officer is, when two, three, or more
persons are in company, gently to strike with his
bladder the mouth of him who is to speak, and the
right ear of him or them to whom the speaker ad-
dresses himself. This flapper is likewise employed
diligently to attend his master in his walks, and
upon occasion to give him a soft flap on his eyes,
because he is always so wrapped up in cogitation, that
he is in manifest danger of falling down every precipice,
and bouncing his head against every post: and in the
streets of justling others or being justled himself into
the kennel.
It was necessary to give the reader this information,
without which he would be at the same loss with me
to understand the proceedings of these people, as they
conducted me up the stairs to the top of the island,
and from thence to the royal palace. While we were as-
cending they forgot several times what they were about,
and left me to myself, till their memories were again
roused by their flappers; for they appeared altogether
unmoved by the sight of my foreign habit and counte-
nance, and by the shouts of the vulgar, whose thoughts
and minds were more disengaged.
At last we entered the palace, and proceeded into
the chamber of presence, where I saw the king seated
on his throne, attended on each side by persons of
prime quality. Before the throne was a large table
filled with globes, and spheres, and mathematical in-
134
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
struments of all kinds. His majesty took not the least
notice of us, although our entrance was not without
sufficient noise, by the concourse of all persons belong-
ing to the court. But he was then deep in a problem,
and we attended at least an hour, before he could solve
it. There stood by him on each side a young page
with flaps in their hands, and when they saw he was at
leisure, one of them gently struck his mouth, and the
other his right ear; at which he startled like one
awaked on the sudden, and, looking towards me and
the company I was in, recollected the occasion of our
coming, whereof he had been informed before. He
spoke some words, whereupon immediately a young
man with a flap came up to my side, and flapped me
gently on the right ear; but I made signs as well as I
could that I had no occasion for such an instrument;
which, as I afterwards found, gave his majesty and
the whole court a very mean opinion of my under-
standing. The king, as far as I could conjecture,
asked me several questions, and I addressed myself to
him in all the languages I had. When it was found
I could neither understand nor be understood, I
was conducted by his order to an apartment in his
palace, (this prince being distinguished above all his
predecessors for his hospitality to strangers,) where two
servants were appointed to attend me. My dinner was
brought, and four persons of quality, whom I remem-
bered to have seen very near the king's person, did
me the honour to dine with me. We had two courses,
of three dishes each. In the first course there was a
shoulder of mutton cut into an equilateral triangle, a
piece of beef into a rhomboides, and a pudding into a
cycloid. The second course was two ducks trussed up
THE HUMOURS OF THE LAPUTIANS
135
in the form of fiddles, sausages and puddings resem-
bling flutes and hautboys, and a breast of veal in the
shape of a harp. The servants cut our bread into
cones, cylinders, parallelograms, and several other
mathematical figures.
Those to whom the king had entrusted me ob-
serving how ill I was clad, ordered a tailor to come
next morning and take measure for a suit of clothes.
This operator did his office after a different manner
from those of his trade in Europe. He first took my
altitude by a quadrant, and then with rule and com-
passes described the dimensions and outlines of my
whole body; all which he entered upon paper, and in
six days brought my clothes, very ill made, and quite
out of shape, by happening to mistake a figure in the
calculation. But my comfort was that I observed
such accidents very frequent and little regarded.
•
THE ACADEMY OF LAGADO
THIS academy is not an entire single building, but a
continuation of several houses on both sides of a street,
which, growing waste, was purchased and applied to
that use.
I was received very kindly by the warden, and went
for many days to the academy. Every room has in it
one or more projectors; and I believe I could not be in
fewer than five hundred rooms.
The first man I saw was of a meagre aspect, with
sooty hands and face, his hair and beard long, ragged,
and singed in several places. His clothes, shirt, and
skin, were all of the same colour. He had been eight
years upon a project for extracting sun-beams out of
cucumbers, which were to be put in phials hermetically
sealed, and let out to warm the air in raw inclement
summers. He told me he did not doubt that in eight
years more he should be able to supply the governor's
gardens with sunshine at a reasonable rate; but he
complained that his stock was low, and entreated me to
give him "something as an encouragement to ingenuity,
especially since this had been a very dear season for
cucumbers." I made him a small present, for my lord
had furnished me with money on purpose, because he
knew their practice of begging from all who go to see
them...
THE ACADEMY OF LAGADO
137
There was a most ingenious architect, who had con-
trived a new method for building houses, by beginning
at the roof and working downward to the foundation ;
which he justified to me by the like practice of those
two prudent insects, the bee and the spider.
There was a man born blind, who had several
apprentices in his own condition: their employment
was to mix colours for painters, which their master
taught them to distinguish by feeling and smelling.
It was indeed my misfortune to find them at that time
not very perfect in their lessons, and the professor him-
self happened to be generally mistaken. This artist is
much encouraged and esteemed by the whole fra-
ternity.
In another apartment, I was highly pleased with
a projector who had found a device of ploughing the
ground with hogs, to save the charges of ploughs,
cattle, and labour. The method is this: In an acre
of ground, you bury, at six inches' distance and eight
deep, a quantity of acorns, dates, chestnuts, and other
mast or vegetables whereof these animals are fondest ;
then you drive six hundred or more of them into the
field, where in a few days they will root up the whole
ground in search of their food, and make it fit for
sowing; it is true, upon experiment they found the
charge and trouble very great, and they had little or
no crop. However, it is not doubted that this in-
vention may be capable of great improvement.
We next went to the school of languages, where
three professors sat in consultation upon improving
that of their own country.
•
•
•
The first project was to shorten discourse, by cut-
ting polysyllables into one, and leaving out verbs and
138
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
participles, because, in reality all things imaginable are
but nouns.
The other project was a scheme for entirely abolish-
ing all words whatsoever, and this was urged as a
great advantage in point of health, as well as brevity.
For it is plain, that every word we speak is, in some
degree, a diminution of our lungs by corrosion, and
consequently contributes to the shortening of our lives.
An expedient was therefore offered, "that since words.
are only names for things, it would be more convenient
for all men to carry about them such things as were
necessary to express a particular business they are to
discourse on." And this invention would certainly
have taken place, to the great ease as well as health of
the subject, if the women, in conjunction with the vul-
gar and illiterate, had not threatened to raise a rebellion,
unless they might be allowed the liberty to speak with
their tongues, after the manner of their forefathers;
such constant irreconcilable enemies to science are the
common people. However, many of the most learned
and wise adhere to the new scheme of expressing
themselves by things, which has only this inconvenience
attending it, that if a man's business be very great,
and of various kinds, he must be obliged in proportion
to carry a greater bundle of things upon his back,
unless he can afford one or two strong servants to at-
tend him. I have often beheld two of these sages
almost sinking under the weight of their packs, like
pedlars among us; who, when they meet in the street,
would lay down their loads, open their sacks, and
hold conversation for an hour together, then put up
their implements, help each other to resume their bur-
dens, and take their leave.
THE ACADEMY OF LAGADO
139
But for short conversations, a man may carry imple-
ments in his pockets, and under his arms, enough to
supply him and in his house he cannot be at a loss.
Therefore the room where company meet who practise
this art is full of all things ready at hand, requisite to
furnish matter for this kind of artificial converse.
Another great advantage proposed by this invention
was, that it would serve as a universal language to be
understood in all civilized nations, whose goods and
utensils are generally of the same kind, or nearly re-
sembling, so that their uses might easily be compre-
hended. And thus ambassadors would be qualified to
treat with foreign princes, or ministers of state, to whose
tongues they were utter strangers.
In the school of political projectors I was but ill
entertained; the professors appearing, in my judg
ment, wholly out of their senses; which is a scene
that never fails to make me melancholy. These un-
happy people were proposing schemes for persuading
monarchs to choose favourites upon the score of their
wisdom, capacity, and virtue; of teaching ministers
to consult the public good; of rewarding merit, great
abilities, and eminent services; of instructing princes
to know their true interest, by placing it on the same
foundation with that of their people; of choosing for
employments persons qualified to exercise them; with
many other wild impossible chimeras, that never
entered before into the heart of man to conceive; and
confirmed in me the old observation, "That there is
nothing so extravagant and irrational, which some
philosophers have not maintained for truth."
•
But, however, I shall so far do justice to this part
of the academy, as to acknowledge that all of them
140
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
were not so visionary. There was a most ingenious
doctor who seemed to be perfectly versed in the whole
nature and system of government. This illustrious
person had very usefully employed his studies in
finding out effectual remedies for all diseases and
corruptions to which the several kinds of public
administration are subject, by the vices or infirmities
of those who govern, as well as by the licentiousness
of those who are to obey. For instance, whereas all
writers and reasoners have agreed that there is a strict
universal resemblance between the natural and the
political body; can there be anything more evident
than that the health of both must be preserved, and
the diseases cured, by the same prescriptions? It is
allowed, that senates and great councils are often
troubled with redundant, ebullient, and other peccant
humours; with many diseases of the head, and more
of the heart; with strong convulsions, with grievous
contractions of the nerves and sinews in both hands,
but especially the right; with spleen, flatus, vertigoes,
and deliriums; with scrofulous tumours, full of fetid
purulent matter; with sour frothy ructations; with
canine appetites, and crudeness of digestion, besides
many others needless to mention. This doctor, there-
fore, proposed, that “Upon the meeting of the senate
certain physicians should attend at the three first days
of their sitting, and at the close of each day's debate
feel the pulses of every senator; after which, having
maturely considered and consulted upon the nature of
the several maladies and the methods of cure, they
should, on the fourth day, return to the senate-house,
attended by their apothecaries stored with proper
medicines; and, before the members sat, administer
THE ACADEMY OF LAGADO
141
to each of them lenitives, aperitives, abstersives, corro-
sives, restringents, palliatives, laxatives, cephalalgics,
icterics, apophlegmatics, acoustics, as their several
cases required; and, according as these medicines
should operate, repeat, alter, or omit them at the next
meeting."
This project could not be of any great expense to
the public, and might, in my poor opinion, be of
much use for the despatch of business, in those coun.
tries where senates have any share in the legislative
power; beget unanimity, shorten debates, open a few
mouths which are now closed, and close many more
which are now open; curb the petulancy of the young,
and correct the positiveness of the old; rouse the
stupid, and damp the pert.
Again because it is a general complaint that the
favourites of princes are troubled with short and weak
memories, the same doctor proposed "That whoever
attended a first minister, after having told his business
with the utmost brevity and in the plainest words,
should at his departure give the said minister a tweak
by the nose, or a kick on the belly, or tread on his
corns, or lug him thrice by both ears, or run a pin
into his breech, or pinch his arm black and blue, to
prevent forgetfulness and at every levee day repeat
the same operation, till the business were done, or
absolutely refused."
He likewise directed, "That every senator in the
great council of a nation, after he had delivered his
opinion, and argued in the defence of it, should be
obliged to give his vote directly contrary; because, if
that were done, the result would infallibly terminate
in the good of the public."
142
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
When parties in a state are violent, he offered a
wonderful contrivance to reconcile them. The method
is this: you take a hundred leaders of each party;
you dispose them into couples of such whose heads
are nearest of a size; then let two nice operators saw
off the occiput of each couple at the same time, in such
a manner that the brain may be equally divided. Let
the occiputs thus cut off be interchanged, applying
each to the head of his opposite party-man. It seems,
indeed, to be a work that requires some exactness; but
the professor assured us "That if it were dexterously
performed, the cure would be infallible." For he
argued thus: "That the two half brains, being left to
debate the matter between themselves within the space
of one skull, would soon come to a good understand-
ing, and produce that moderation, as well as regu-
larity of thinking, so much to be wished for in the
heads of those who imagine they come into the world
only to watch and govern its motion and as to the
difference of brains, in quantity or quality, among
those who are directors in faction," the doctor assured
:
us, from his own knowledge, "that it was a perfect
trifle."
I heard a very warm debate between two professors,
about the most commodious and effectual ways and
means of raising money without grieving the subject.
The first affirmed "The justest method would be, to lay
a certain tax upon vices and folly; and the sum fixed
upon every man to be rated, after the fairest manner,
by a jury of his neighbours." The second was of an
opinion directly contrary: "to tax those qualities of
body and mind for which men chiefly value them-
selves; the rate to be more or less according to the
THE ACADEMY OF LAGADO
143
degrees of excelling; the decision whereof should be
left entirely to their own breast." The highest tax was
upon men who are the greatest favourites of the other
sex, and the assessments according to the number and
nature of the favours they have received; for which
they are allowed to be their own vouchers. Wit,
valour, and politeness, were likewise proposed to be
largely taxed, and collected in the same manner,
by every person's giving his own word for the
quantum of what he possessed. But as to honour,
justice, wisdom and learning, they should not be taxed
at all; because they are qualifications of so singular a
kind, that no man will either allow them in his neigh-
bour, or value them in himself.
The women were proposed to be taxed according to
their beauty and skill in dressing; wherein they had
the same privilege with the men, to be determined by
their own judgment. But constancy, good sense, and
good nature, were not rated, because they would not
bear the charge of collecting.
To keep senators in the interest of the crown, it
was proposed that the members should raffle for em-
ployments; every man first taking an oath and giving
security that he would vote for the court, whether he
won or not; after which, the losers had, in their turn,
the liberty of raffling upon the next vacancy. Thus
hope and expectation would be kept alive; none
would complain of broken promises, but impute their
disappointments wholly to fortune, whose shoulders
are broader and stronger than those of a ministry.
A PARTICULAR ACCOUNT OF THE
STRULDBRUGS
>>
ONE day, in much good company, I was asked by a
person of quality "Whether I had seen any of their
struldbrugs, or immortals." I said "I had not;" and
desired he would explain to me "what he meant by
such an appellation applied to a mortal creature. He
told me
“That sometimes, though very rarely, a child
happened to be born in a family with a red circular
spot in the forehead, directly over the left eyebrow,
which was an infallible mark that it should never die.
The spot," as he described it, "was about the compass
of a silver threepence, but in the course of time grew
larger, and changed its colour; for at twelve years old
it became green, so continued till five-and-twenty,
then turning to a deep blue; at five-and-forty it grew
coal-black, and as large as an English shilling, but
never admitted any farther alteration." He said "These
births were so rare, that he did not believe that there
could be above eleven hundred struldbrugs, of both
sexes, in the whole kingdom, of which he computed
above fifty in the metropolis, and among the rest a
young girl born about three years ago; that these
productions were not peculiar to any family, but a
THE STR ULDBRUGS
145
mere effect of chance; and the children of the struld-
brugs themselves were equally mortal with the rest of
the people.'
>>
He said "They commonly acted like mortals, till
about thirty years old, after which by degrees they
grew melancholy and dejected, increasing in both till
they came to fourscore. This he learned from their
own confession: for otherwise, there not being above
two or three of that species born in an age, they were
too few to form a general observation by. When
they came to fourscore years, which is reckoned the
extremity of living in this country, they had not only
all the follies and infirmities of other old men, but
many more which arose from the dreadful prospect of
never dying. They were not only opinionative,
peevish, covetous, morose, vain, talkative, but in-
capable of friendship, and dead to all natural affection,
which never descended below their grandchildren.
Envy and impotent desires are their prevailing passions.
But those objects against which their envy seems
principally directed, are the vices of the younger sort,
and the deaths of the old. By reflecting on the former,
they find themselves cut off from all possibility of
pleasure; and whenever they see a funeral, they
lament and repine that others are gone to a harbour
of rest to which they themselves never can hope to
arrive. They have no remembrance of anything but
what they learned and observed in their youth and
middle age; and even that is very imperfect. And
for the truth or particulars of any fact, it is safer to
depend on common tradition, than upon their best
recollections. The least miserable among them appear
to be those who turn to dotage and entirely lose their
L
146
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
memories; these meet with more pity and assistance,
because they want many bad qualities which abound
in others.
“If a struldbrug happen to marry one of his own
kind, the marriage is dissolved of course, by the
courtesy of the kingdom, as soon as the younger of
the two comes to be fourscore. For the law thinks it
a reasonable indulgence that those who are condemned,
without any fault of their own, to a perpetual con-
tinuance in the world, should not have their misery
doubled by the load of a wife.
"As soon as they have completed the term of eighty
years, they are looked on as dead in law; their heirs
immediately succeed to their estates; only a small
pittance is reserved for their support; and the poor
ones are maintained at the public charge. After that
period they are held incapable of any employment of
trust or profit; they cannot purchase lands or take
leases; neither are they allowed to be witnesses in
any cause either civil or criminal, not even for the
decision of meers and bounds.
"At ninety they lose their teeth and hair; they have
at that age no distinction of taste, but eat and drink
whatever they can get, without relish or appetite. The
diseases they were subject to still continue, without in-
creasing or diminishing. In talking they forget the com-
mon appellation of things, and the names of persons,
even of those who are their nearest friends and relations.
For the same reason they never can amuse themselves
with reading, because their memory will not serve to
carry them from the beginning of a sentence to the
end; and by this defect they are deprived of the only
entertainment whereof they might otherwise be capable.
THE STRULDBRUGS
147
"The language of this country being always upon
the flux, the struldbrugs of one age do not understand
those of another; neither are they able, after two
hundred years, to hold any conversation, farther than
by a few general words, with their neighbours the
mortals; and thus they lie under the disadvantage of
living like foreigners in their own country."
This was the account given me of the struldbrugs,
as near as I can remember. I afterwards saw five or
six of different ages, the youngest not above two
hundred years old, who were brought to me at several
times by some of my friends; but although they were
told "That I was a great traveller, and had seen all the
world," they had not the least curiosity to ask me a
question; only desired "I would give them slumsku-
dask, or a token of remembrance; which is a modest
way of begging, to avoid the law, that strictly forbids
it, because they are provided for by the public,
although indeed with a very scanty allowance.
They are despised and hated by all sorts of people.
When one of them is born, it is reckoned ominous,
and their birth is recorded very particularly; so that
you may know their age by consulting the register,
which however has not been kept above a thousand
years past, or at least has been destroyed by time or
public disturbances. But the usual way of computing
how old they are, is by asking them what kings or
great persons they can remember, and then consulting
history; for infallibly the last prince in their mind
did not begin his reign after they were fourscore years
old.
""
They were the most mortifying sight I ever beheld;
and the women more horrible than the men.
Besides
148
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
the usual deformities in extreme old age, they acquired
an additional ghastliness, in proportion to their number
of years, which is not to be described; and among
half a dozen, I soon distinguished which was the
eldest, although there was not above a century or two
between them
THE GRAY HOUYHNHNM
THE horse started a little when he came near me,
but soon recovering himself, looked full in my face with
manifest tokens of wonder. He viewed my hands and
feet, walking round me several times. I would have
pursued my journey, but he placed himself directly in
the way, yet looking with very mild aspect, never
offering the least violence. We stood gazing at each
other for some time; at last I took the boldness to
reach my hand towards his neck, with a design to
stroke it, using the common style and whistle of
jockeys when they are going to handle a strange horse.
But this animal seemed to receive my civilities with
disdain, shook his head and bent his brows, softly
raising up his right fore-foot to remove my hand.
Then he neighed three or four times, but in so different
a cadence, that I almost began to think he was speak-
ing to himself in some language of his own.
While he and I were thus employed, another horse
came up; who applying himself to the first in a very
formal manner, they gently struck each other's right
hoof before, neighing several times by turns, and vary-
ing the sound, which seemed to be almost articulate.
They went some paces off, as if it were to confer to-
gether, walking side by side, backward and forward,
BON
150
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
like persons deliberating upon some affair of weight,
but often turning their eyes towards me, as it were to
watch that I might not escape. I was amazed to see
such actions and behaviour in brute beasts, and con-
cluded with myself, that if the inhabitants of this
country were endued with a proportionable degree of
reason, they must needs be the wisest people upon earth.
This thought gave me so much comfort, that I resolved
to go forward until I could discover some house or
village, or meet with any of the natives, leaving the
two horses to discourse together as they pleased. But
the first, who was a dapple gray, observing me to steal
off, neighed after me in so expressive a tone, that I
fancied myself to understand what he meant ; where-
upon I turned back and came near him, to expect his
farther commands; but concealing my fear as much as
I could, for I began to be in some pain how this ad-
venture might terminate and the reader will easily
believe I did not much like my present situation.
:
The two horses came up close to me, looking with
great earnestness upon my face and hands. The gray
steed rubbed my hat all round with his right fore-hoof,
and discomposed it so much, that I was forced to ad-
just it better by taking it off and settling it again;
whereat both he and his companion, who was a brown
bay, appeared to be much surprised: the latter felt
the lappet of my coat, and finding it to hang loose
about me, they both looked with new signs of wonder.
He stroked my right hand, seeming to admire the
softness and colour; but he squeezed it so hard between
his hoof and his pastern, that I was forced to roar;
after which, they both touched it with all possible
tenderness. They were under great perplexity about
THE GRAY HOUYHNHNM
151
my shoes and stockings, which they felt very often,
neighing to each other, and using various gestures, not
unlike those of a philosopher when he would attempt
to solve some new and difficult phenomenon.
Upon the whole, the behaviour of these animals
was so orderly and rational, so acute and judicious,
that I at last concluded they must needs be magicians
who had thus metamorphosed themselves upon some
design, and, seeing a stranger in the way, resolved to
divert themselves with him; or perhaps were really
amazed at the sight of a man so very different in habit,
feature, and complexion, from those who might pro-
bably live in so remote a climate. Upon the strength
of this reasoning, I ventured to address them in the
following manner: "Gentlemen,
"Gentlemen, if you be conjurors,
as I have good cause to believe, you can understand
my language; therefore I make bold to let your wor-
ships know that I am a poor distressed Englishman,
driven by his misfortunes upon your coast; and I
entreat one of you to let me ride upon his back, as if
he were a real horse, to some house or village where
I can be relieved. In return of which favour, I will
make you a present of this knife and bracelet " (taking
them out of my pocket). The two creatures stood
silent while I spoke, seeming to listen with great at-
tention; and when I had ended they neighed fre-
quently towards each other, as if they were engaged in
serious conversation. I plainly observed that their
language expressed the passions very well; and the
words might, with little pains, be resolved into an
alphabet more easily than the Chinese.
I could frequently distinguish the word Yahoo,
which was repeated by each of them several times;
152
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
and although it was impossible for me to conjecture
what it meant, yet, while the two horses were busy in
conversation, I endeavoured to practise this word
upon my tongue; and, as soon as they were silent, I
boldly pronounced Yahoo in a loud voice, imitating at
the same time, as near as I could, the neighing of a
horse; at which they were both visibly surprised, and
the gray repeated the same word twice, as if he meant
to teach me the right accent; wherein I spoke after
him as well as I could, and found myself perceivably
to improve every time, though very far from any
degree of perfection. Then the bay tried me with a
second word much harder to be pronounced, but re-
ducing it to the English orthography, may be spelt
thus, Houyhnhnm. I did not succeed in this so well
as in the former: but after two or three farther trials I
had better fortune, and they both appeared amazed at
my capacity.
After some farther discourse, which I then conjec-
tured might relate to me, the two friends took their
leaves with the same compliment of striking each
other's hoof, and the gray made me signs that I should
walk before him; wherein I thought it prudent to
comply, till I could find a better director. When I
offered to slacken my pace, he would cry hhuun hhuun.
I guessed his meaning, and gave him to understand as
well as I could, "that I was weary, and not able to
walk faster;" upon which he would stand a while to
let me rest.
Having travelled about three miles, we came to a
long kind of building made of timber stuck in the
ground and wattled across; the roof was low and
covered with straw. I now began to be a little com-
THE GRAY HOUYHNHNM
153
forted, and took out some toys which travellers usually
carry for presents to the savage Indians of America
and other parts, in hopes the people of the house
would be thereby encouraged to receive me kindly.
The horse made me a sign to go in first. It was a
large room, with a smooth clay floor, and a rack
and manger extending the whole length on one side.
There were three nags and two mares, not eating, but
some of them sitting down upon their hams; which I
very much wondered at, but wondered more to see
the rest employed in domestic business: these seemed
but ordinary cattle. However, this confirmed my first
opinion, that a people who could so far civilize brute
animals must needs excel in wisdom all the nations of
the world. The gray came in just after, and thereby
prevented any ill treatment which the others might
have given me. He neighed to them several times in
a style of authority, and received answers.
Beyond this room there were three others reaching
the length of the house, to which you passed through
three doors, opposite to each other, in the manner of
a vista. We went through the second room towards
the third. Here the gray walked in first, beckoning
me to attend: I waited in the second room, and got
ready my presents for the master and mistress of the
house; they were two knives, three bracelets of false
pearl, a small looking-glass, and a bead necklace.
The horse neighed three or four times, and I waited to
hear some answers in a human voice; but I heard no
other returns than in the same dialect, only one or two
a little shriller than his. I began to think that this
house must belong to some person of great note among
them, because there appeared so much ceremony be-
154
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
fore I could gain admittance. But that a man of quality
should be served all by horses, was beyond my com-
prehension. I feared my brain was disturbed by my
sufferings and misfortunes. I roused myself, and looked
about me in the room where I was left alone; this was
furnished like the first, only after a more elegant
manner. I rubbed my eyes often, but the same objects
still occurred: I pinched my arms and sides to awake
myself, hoping I might be in a dream. I then abso-
lutely concluded that all these appearances could be
nothing else but necromancy and magic. But I had
no time to pursue these reflections, for the gray
horse came to the door, and made me a sign to follow
him into the third room; where I saw a very comely
mare, together with a colt and foal, sitting on their
haunches upon mats of straw not unartfully made, and
perfectly neat and clean.
The mare, soon after my entrance, rose from her
mat, and coming up close, after having nicely observed
my hands and face, gave me a most contemptuous look;
and turning to the horse, I heard the word Yahoo
often repeated betwixt them, the meaning of which
word I could not then comprehend, although it was
the first I had learned to pronounce. But I was soon
better informed, to my everlasting mortification; for
the horse beckoning to me with his head, and repeat-
ing the hhuun, hhuun, as he did upon the road,
which I understood was to attend him, led me out into
a kind of court where was another building at some
distance from the house. Here we entered, and I saw
three detestable creatures, feeding upon roots and the
flesh of some animals, which I afterwards found to be
that of asses and dogs and now and then a cow dead
THE GRAY HOUYHNHNM
155
1
by accident or disease. They were all tied by the
neck with strong withes fastened to a beam; they held
their food between the claws of their fore-feet, and
tore it with their teeth.
The master horse ordered a sorrel nag, one of his
servants, to untie the largest of these animals, and take
him into the yard. The beast and I were brought close
together, and our countenances diligently compared
both by master and servant, who thereupon repeated
several times the word Yahoo. My horror and
astonishment are not to be described, when I observed
in this abominable animal a perfect human figure: the
face of it indeed was flat and broad, the nose depressed,
the lips large, and the mouth wide; but these diffe-
rences are common to all savage nations, where the
lineaments of the countenance are distorted by the
natives suffering their infants to lie grovelling on the
earth, or by carrying them on their backs nuzzling with
their face against the mother's shoulders. The fore-
feet of the Yahoo differed from my hands in nothing
else but the length of the nails, the coarseness and
brownness of the palms, and the hairiness on the backs.
There was the same resemblance between our feet,
with the same differences, which I knew very well,
though the horses did not, because of my shoes and
stockings; the same in every part of our bodies,
except as to hairiness and colour, which I have already
described.
THE VIRTUES OF THE HOUYHNHNMS
HAVING lived three years in this country, the reader,
I suppose, will expect that I should, like other travel-
lers, give him some account of the manners and
customs of its inhabitants, which it was indeed my
principal study to learn.
As these noble Houyhnhnms are endowed by nature
with a general disposition to all virtues, and have no
conceptions or ideas of what is evil in a rational crea-
ture, so their grand maxim is to cultivate reason and
to be wholly governed by it. Neither is reason among
them a point problematical, as with us, where men
can argue with plausibility on both sides of the ques-
tion; but strikes you with immediate conviction, as it
must needs do where it is not mingled, obscured, or
discoloured, by passion and interest. I remember it
was with extreme difficulty that I could bring my
master to understand the meaning of the word opinion,
or how a point could be disputable; because reason
taught us to affirm or deny only where we are certain ;
and beyond our knowledge we cannot do either so
that controversies, wranglings, disputes, and positive-
ness, in false or dubious propositions, are evils un-
known among the Houyhnhnms. In the like manner,
when I used to explain to him our several systems of
THE VIRTUES OF THE HOUYHNHNMS
157
natural philosophy, he would laugh "that a creature
pretending to reason should value itself upon the know-
ledge of other people's conjectures, and in things
where that knowledge, if it were certain, could be of
no use." Wherein he agreed entirely with the senti
ments of Socrates, as Plato delivers them; which I
mention as the highest honour I can do to that prince
of philosophers. I have often since reflected what
destruction such doctrine would make in the libra-
ries of Europe, and how many paths to fame would be
then shut up in the learned world.
:
Friendship and benevolence are the two principal
virtues among the Houyhnhnms; and these not con-
fined to particular objects, but universal to the whole
race for a stranger from the remotest part is equally
treated with the nearest neighbour, and, wherever he
goes, looks upon himself as at home. They preserve
decency and civility in the highest degrees, but are
altogether ignorant of ceremony. They have no fond-
ness for their colts or foals, but the care they take in
educating them proceeds entirely from the dictates of
reason. And I observed my master to show the same
affection to his neighbour's issue, that he had for his
own. They will have it that nature teaches them to
love the whole species, and it is reason only that
makes a distinction of persons where there is a
superior degree of virtue.
When the matron Houyhnhnms have produced one
of each sex, they no longer accompany with their con-
sorts, except they lose one of their issue by some
casualty, which very seldom happens. This cau-
tion is necessary to prevent the country from being
overburdened with numbers. But the race of inferior
158
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
Houyhnhnms, bred up to be servants, is not so strictly
limited upon this article; these are allowed to pro-
duce three of each sex, to be domestics in the noble
families.
In their marriages they are exactly careful to choose
such colours as will not make any disagreeable mix-
ture in the breed. Strength is chiefly valued in the
male, and comeliness in the female; not upon the ac-
count of love, but to preserve the race from degene-
rating; for where a female happens to excel in strength,
a consort is chosen with regard to comeliness.
Courtship, love, presents, jointures, settlements,
have no place in their thoughts, or terms whereby to
express them in their language. The young couple
meet and are joined, merely because it is the deter-
mination of their parents and friends; it is what they
see done every day, and they look upon it as one of
the necessary actions of a reasonable being. But the
violation of marriage, or any other unchastity, was
never heard of; and the married pair pass their lives
with the same friendship and mutual benevolence that
they bear to all others of the same species who come
in their way, without jealousy, fondness, quarrelling,
or discontent.
In educating the youth of both sexes, their method
is admirable, and highly deserves our imitation.
These are not suffered to taste a grain of oats, except
upon certain days, till eighteen years old; nor milk,
but very rarely; and in summer they graze two hours
in the morning, and as many in the evening, which
their parents likewise observe: but the servants are
not allowed above half that time, and a great part of
their grass is brought home, which they eat at the
THE VIRTUES OF THE HOUYHNHNMS
159
most convenient hours, when they can be best spared
from work.
Temperance, industry, exercise, and cleanliness, are
the lessons equally enjoined to the young ones of both
sexes; and my master thought it monstrous in us to
give the females a different kind of education from
the males, except in articles of domestic manage-
ment; whereby, as he truly observed, one half of our
natives were good for nothing but bringing children
into the world; and to trust the care of our children
to such useless animals, he said, was yet a greater in-
stance of brutality.
ENGLISH POLITICAL
TRACTS.
M
The Examiner, a weekly political broadside of the same size as
the Tatler, was started by St. John in 1710 as the organ of
the Tory party, but at first with small success. "Addison
had brought into the field his Whig Examiner with such
damaging effect that the ministry were in ill case if better
advocacy for them could not be found." Then Swift under-
took the defence, and thirty-three consecutive Examiners,
from the fourteenth (Nov. 2, 1710) to the forty-sixth (June
14th 1711), inclusive, were written by him. They were the
"leading articles" of the day, and provided for the first time
a statesmanlike exposition of the ministerial policy.
The Conduct of the Allies was written and published in Nov.
1711. This tract was intended to make Marlborough un-
popular and prepare the way for a peace, by opening the
eyes of the people to the cost of the war, the venality of the
General and of the Allies, and the interested motives of its
upholders, the "monied men;" and by showing how other
powers were profiting at England's expense. It produced
a tremendous effect. "The people, who had been amused
with bonfires and triumphal processions, and looked with
idolatry on the general and his friends, who, as they thought,
had made England the arbitress of nations, were con-
founded between shame and rage, when they found that
'mines had been exhausted and millions destroyed,' to
secure the Dutch, or aggrandize the emperor, without any
advantage to ourselves; that we had been bribing our
neighbours to fight their own quarrel; and that amongst
our enemies we might number our allies."-Johnson. The
extract here given, which forms but a tenth part of the tract,
occurs near the end. Swift has urged his three-headed in-
dictment against the war party and the Allies, and proceeds
to show to what a pass the country has been brought by
their policy.
THE EXAMINER
No. 15.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 1710.
E quibus hi vacuas implent sermonibus aures,
Hi narrata ferunt alio: mensuraque ficti
Crescit, et auditis aliquid novus adjicit auctor.
Illic Credulitas, illic temerarius Error,
l'anaque Letitia est, consternatique Timores,
Seditioque recens, dubioque auctore Susurri.
With idle tales this fills our empty ears :
The next reports what from the first he hears:
The rolling fictions grow in strength and size,
Each author adding to the former lies.
Here vain credulity, with new desires,
Leads us astray, and groundless joy inspires;
The dubious whispers tumults fresh design'd,
And chilling fears astound the anxious mind.
I AM
AM prevailed on, through the importunity of friends,
to interrupt the scheme I had begun in my last
paper, by an Essay upon the Art of Political Lying.
We are told the devil is the father of lies, and was a
liar from the beginning; so that, beyond contradiction,
the invention is old and, which is more, his first
Essay of it was purely political, employed in under-
mining the authority of his prince, and seducing a
164
POLITICAL TRACTS
A
third part of the subjects from their obedience : for
which he was driven down from heaven, where (as
Milton expresses it) he had been viceroy of a great
western province; and forced to exercise his talent in
inferior regions among other fallen spirits, poor or
deluded men, whom he still daily tempts to his own.
sin, and will ever do so, till he be chained in the
bottomless pit.
But although the devil be the father of lies, he seems,
like other great inventors, to have lost much of his
reputation by the continual improvements that have
been made upon him.
Who first reduced lying into an art, and adapted it
to politics, is not so clear from history, although I
have made some diligent inquiries. I shall therefore
consider it only according to the modern system, as it
has been cultivated these twenty years past in the
southern part of our own island.
The poets tell us that, after the giants were over-
thrown by the gods, the earth in revenge produced
her last offspring, which was Fame. And the fable is
thus interpreted: that when tumults and seditions are
quieted, rumours and false reports are plentifully
spread through a nation. So that, by this account,
lying is the last relief of a routed, earth-born, rebellious
party in a state. But here the moderns have made
great additions, applying this art to the gaining of
power and preserving it, as well as revenging them-
selves after they have lost it; as the same instruments
are made use of by animals to feed themselves when
they are hungry, and to bite those that tread upon
them.
But the same genealogy cannot always be admitted
THE EXAMINER
165
for political lying; I shall therefore desire to refine
upon it, by adding some circumstances of its birth and
parents. A political lie is sometimes born out of a
discarded statesman's head, and thence delivered to be
nursed and dandled by the rabble. Sometimes it is
produced a monster, and licked into shape: at other
times it comes into the world completely formed, and
is spoiled in the licking. It is often born an infant in
the regular way, and requires time to mature it; and
often it sees the light in its full growth, but dwindles
away by degrees. Sometimes it is of noble birth, and
sometimes the spawn of a stock-jobber. Here it
screams aloud at the opening of the womb, and there
it is delivered with a whisper. I know a lie that now
disturbs half the kingdom with its noise, [of] which,
although too proud and great at present to own its
parents, I can remember its whisperhood. To con-
clude the nativity of this monster; when it comes into
the world without a sting it is still-born; and whenever
it loses its sting it dies.
No wonder if an infant so miraculous in its birth
should be destined for great adventures; and accord-
ingly we see it has been the guardian spirit of a
prevailing party for almost twenty years. It can con,
quer kingdoms without fighting, and sometimes with
the loss of a battle. It gives and resumes employ-
ments; can sink a mountain to a mole-hill, and raise
a mole-hill to a mountain; has presided for many years
at committees of elections; can wash a blackmoor
white; make a saint of an atheist, and a patriot of a
profligate; can furnish foreign ministers with intelli-
gence, and raise or let fall the credit of the nation.
This goddess flies with a huge looking-glass in her
166
POLITICAL TRACTS
hands, to dazzle the crowd, and make them see,
according as she turns it, their ruin in their interest,
and their interest in their ruin. In this glass you will
behold your best friends, clad in coats powdered with
fleurs de lis and triple crowns; their girdles hung
round with chains, and beads, and wooden shoes;
and your worst enemies adorned with the ensigns of
liberty, property, indulgence, moderation, and a cornu-
copia in their hands. Her large wings, like those of a
flying-fish, are of no use but while they are moist;
she therefore dips them in mud, and, soaring aloft,
scatters it in the eyes of the multitude, flying with
great swiftness; but at every turn is forced to stoop in
dirty ways for new supplies.
I have been sometimes thinking, if a man had the
art of the second sight for seeing lies, as they have in
Scotland for seeing spirits, how admirably he might
entertain himself in this town, by observing the
different shapes, sizes, and colours of those swarms of
lies which buzz about the heads of some people, like
flies about a horse's ears in summer; or those legions
hovering every afternoon in Exchange-alley, enough to
darken the air; or over a club of discontented grandees,
and thence sent down in cargoes to be scattered at
elections.
There is one essential point wherein a political liar
differs from others of the faculty, that he ought to have
but a short memory, which is necessary according to
the various occasions he meets with every hour of
differing from himself and swearing to both sides of a
contradiction, as he finds the persons disposed with
whom he has to deal. In describing the virtues and
vices of mankind, it is convenient, upon every article,
THE EXAMINER
167
to have some eminent person in our eye, from whom
we copy our description. I have strictly observed this
rule, and my imagination this minute represents be-
fore me a certain great man famous for this talent,
to the constant practice of which he owes his twenty
years' reputation of the most skilful head in Eng-
land for the management of nice affairs. The su-
periority of his genius consists in nothing else but
an inexhaustible fund of political lies, which he plen-
tifully distributes every minute he speaks, and by an
unparalleled generosity forgets, and consequently con-
tradicts, the next half-hour. He never yet considered
whether any proposition were true or false, but whether
it were convenient for the present minute or company
to affirm or deny it; so that, if you think fit to refine
upon him by interpreting everything he says, as we do
dreams, by the contrary, you are still to seek, and will
find yourself equally deceived whether you believe or
not the only remedy is to suppose that you have
heard some inarticulate sounds, without any meaning
at all; and besides, that will take off the horror you
might be apt to conceive at the oaths wherewith he
perpetually tags both ends of every proposition; al-
though, at the same time, I think he cannot with any
justice be taxed with perjury when he invokes God
and Christ, because he has often fairly given public
notice to the world that he believes in neither.
g
Some people may think that such an accomplish-
ment as this can be of no great use to the owner, or his
party, after it has been often practised and is become no-
torious; but they are widely mistaken. Few lies carry
the inventor's mark, and the most prostitute enemy to
truth may spread a thousand without being known for
163
POLITICAL TRACTS
the author: besides, as the vilest writer has his readers,
so the greatest liar has his believers; and it often hap-
pens that, if a lie be believed only for an hour, it has
done its work, and there is no farther occasion for it.
Falsehood flies, and truth comes limping after it, so that
when men come to be undeceived it is too late; the jest
is over, and the tale has had its effect: like a man who
has thought of a good repartee when the discourse is
changed or the company parted; or like a physician
who has found out an infallible medicine after the
patient is dead.
Considering that natural disposition in many men to
lie, and in multitudes to believe, I have been perplexed
what to do with that maxim so frequent in everybody's
mouth, that truth will at last prevail. Here has this
island of ours, for the greatest part of twenty years,
lain under the influence of such counsels and persons,
whose principle and interest it was to corrupt our
manners, blind our understanding, drain our wealth,
and in time destroy our constitution both in church.
and state, and we at last were brought to the very brink
of ruin; yet, by the means of perpetual misrepresenta-
tions, have never been able to distinguish between our
enemies and friends. We have seen a great part of
the nation's money got into the hands of those who, by
their birth, education, and merit, could pretend no
higher than to wear our liveries; while others, who, by
their credit, quality, and fortune, were only able to
give reputation and success to the Revolution, were
not only laid aside as dangerous and useless, but
loaded with the scandal of Jacobites, men of arbitrary
principles, and pensioners to France; while truth,
who is said to lie in a well, seemed now to be buried
THE EXAMINER
169
there under a heap of stones. But I remember it
was a usual complaint among the Whigs, that the
bulk of the landed men was not in their interests,
which some of the wisest looked on as an ill omen ;
and we saw it was with the utmost difficulty that they
could preserve a majority, while the court and ministry
were on their side, till they had learned those admi-
rable expedients for deciding elections and influencing
distant boroughs by powerful motives from the city.
But all this was mere force and constraint, however
upheld by most dexterous artifice and management,
until the people began to apprehend their properties,
their religion, and the monarchy itself in danger;
when we saw them greedily laying hold on the first
occasion to interpose. But of this mighty change in
the dispositions of the people I shall discourse more
at large in some following paper: wherein I shall en-
deavour to undeceive or discover those deluded or de-
luding persons who hope or pretend it is only a short
madness in the vulgar, from which they may soon
recover; whereas, I believe it will appear to be very
different in its causes, its symptoms, and its conse-
quences; and prove a great example to illustrate the
maxim I lately mentioned, that truth (however some-
times late) will at last prevail.
THE EXAMINER
No. 16.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 1710.
Medioque ut limite curras,
Icare, ait, moneo: ne si demissior ibis,
Unda gravet pennas; si celsior, ignis adurat.
-My boy, take care
To wing thy course along the middle air:
If low, the surges wet thy flagging plumes;
If high, the sun the melting wax consumes.
It must be avowed that for some years past there have
been few things more wanted in England than such
a paper as this ought to be: and such I will endeavour
to make it as long as it shall be found of any use, with-
out entering into the violences of either party. Con-
sidering the many grievous misrepresentations of per-
sons and things, it is highly requisite at this juncture
that the people throughout the kingdom should, if
possible, be set right in their opinions by some impar-
tial hand, which has never been yet attempted; those
who have hitherto undertaken it being, upon every
account, the least qualified of all human kind for such
work.
THE EXAMINER
171
We live here under a limited monarchy, and under
the doctrine and discipline of an excellent church.
We are unhappily divided into two parties, both
which pretend a mighty zeal for our religion and go-
vernment, only they disagree about the means. The
evils we must fence against are, on one side, fanaticism
and infidelity in religion, and anarchy, under the
name of a commonwealth, in government; on the other
side, popery, slavery, and the pretender from France.
Now, to inform and direct us in our sentiments upon
these weighty points, here are, on one side, two stupid
illiterate scribblers, both of them fanatics by profession,
I mean the Review and Observator; on the other side,
we have an open nonjuror, whose character and per-
son, as well as learning and good sense, discovered
upon other subjects, do indeed deserve respect and
esteem; but his Rehearsal and the rest of his political
papers are yet more pernicious than those of the former
two. If the generality of the people know not how to
talk or think until they have read their lesson in the
papers of the week, what a misfortune is it that their
duty should be conveyed to them through such vehicles
as those! For, let some gentlemen think what they
please, I cannot but suspect that the two worthies I
first mentioned have, in a degree, done mischief among
us; the mock authoritative manner of the one, and the
insipid mirth of the other, however insupportable to
reasonable ears, being of a level with great numbers
among the lowest part of mankind. Neither was the
author of the Rehearsal, while he continued that paper,
less infectious to many persons of better figure, who,
perhaps, were as well qualified, and much less pre-
judiced, to judge for themselves.
172
POLITICAL TRACTS
It was this reason that moved me to take the matter
out of those rough as well as those dirty hands; to
let the remote and uninstructed part of the nation
see that they have been misled on both sides by mad
ridiculous extremes, at a wide distance on each side
of the truth; while the right path is so broad and plain
as to be easily kept if they were once put into it.
Farther, I had lately entered on a resolution to
take little notice of other papers, unless it were such
where the malice and falsehood had so great a mixture.
of wit and spirit as would make them dangerous;
which, in the present circle of scribblers, from twelve-
pence to a halfpenny, I could easily foresee would not
very frequently occur. But here again I am forced to
dispense with my resolution, although it be only to tell
my reader what measures I am likely to take on such
occasions for the future. I was told that the paper
called the Observator was twice filled last week with
remarks upon a late Examiner. These I read with
the first opportunity, and, to speak in the news-writers'
phrase, they gave me occasion for many speculations.
I observed with singular pleasure the nature of those
things which the owners of them usually call answers,
and with what dexterity this matchless author had
fallen into the whole art and cant of them. To trans-
cribe here and there three or four detached lines of
least weight in a discourse, and by a foolish comment
mistake every syllable of the meaning, is what I have
known many, of a superior class to this formidable
adversary, entitle an Answer. This is what he has
exactly done, in about thrice as many words as my
whole discourse; which is so mighty an advantage
over me, that I shall by no means engage in so unequal
THE EXAMINER
173
a combat; but, as far as I can judge of my own temper,
entirely dismiss him for the future; heartily wishing
he had a match exactly of his own size to meddle with,
who should only have the odds of truth and honesty,
which, as I take it, would be an effectual way to
silence him for ever. Upon this occasion I cannot
forbear a short story of a fanatic farmer, who lived
in my neighbourhood, and was so great a disputant in
religion that the servants in all the families thereabouts
reported how he had confuted the bishop and all his
clergy. I had then a footman who was fond of reading
the Bible; and I borrowed a comment for him, which he
studied so close that in a month or two I thought him.
a match for the farmer. They disputed at several
houses, with a ring of servants and other people always
about them; where Ned explained his texts so full and
clear to the capacity of his audience, and showed the
insignificancy of his adversary's cant to the meanest
understanding, that he got the whole country on his
side, and the farmer was cured of his itch of disputation
for ever after.
The worst of it is, that this sort of outrageous party-
writers I have spoken of above are like a couple of
makebates, who inflame small quarrels by a thousand
stories, and, by keeping friends at a distance, hinder
them from coming to a good understanding, as they
certainly would if they were suffered to meet and debate
between themselves; for let any one examine a
reasonable honest man, of either side, upon those
opinions in religion and government which both parties
daily buffet each other about, he shall hardly find one
material point in difference between them. I would
be glad to ask a question about two great men of the
174
POLITICAL TRACTS
late ministry, how they came to be Whigs? and by
what figure of speech half a dozen others, lately put
into great employments, can be called Tories? I doubt
whoever would suit the definition to the persons must
make it directly contrary to what we understood it at
the time of the Revolution.
In order to remove these misapprehensions among
us, I believe it will be necessary, upon occasion, to
detect the malice and falsehood of some popular
maxims, which those idiots scatter from the press
twice a-week, and draw a hundred absurd consequences
from them.
For example, I have heard it often objected, as a
great piece of insolence in the clergy and others, to
say or hint that the church was in danger, when it
was voted otherwise in parliament some years ago;
and the queen herself, in her last speech, did openly
condemn all such insinuations. Notwithstanding
which, I did then and do still believe the church has,
since that vote, been in very imminent danger; and I
think I might then have said so without the least offence
to her majesty or either of the two Houses. The queen's
words, as near as I can remember, mentioned the
church being in danger from her administration; and
whoever says or thinks that deserves, in my opinion, to
be hanged for a traitor; but that the church and state
may be both in danger, under the best princes that ever
reigned, and without the least guilt of theirs, is such a
truth as a man must be a great stranger to history and
common sense to doubt. The wisest prince on earth
may be forced by the necessity of his affairs and the
present power of an unruly faction, or deceived by the
craft of ill-designing men. One or two ministers, most
THE EXAMINER
175
in his confidence, may at first have good intentions,
but
grow corrupted by time, by avarice, by love, by
ambition, and have fairer terms offered them to gratify
their passions or interests from one set of men than
another, until they are too far involved for a retreat,
and so be forced to take seven spirits more wicked
than themselves. This is a very possible case; and
will not the last state of such men be worse than the
first? that is to say, will not the public, which was
safe at first, grow in danger by such proceedings as
these? And shall a faithful subject, who foresees and
trembles at the consequences, be called disaffected
because he delivers his opinion, although the prince
declares, as he justly may, that the danger is not owing
to his administration? or shall the prince himself be
blamed when, in such a juncture, he puts his affairs into
other hands, with the universal applause of his people?
As to the vote against those who should affirm the
church was in danger, I think it likewise referred to
danger from or under the queen's administration; for
I neither have it by me, nor can suddenly have recourse
to it; but, if it were otherwise, I know not how it can
refer to any dangers but what were past, or at that time
present; or how it could affect the future, unless the
senators were all inspired, or at least that majority
which voted it: neither do I see it is any crime,
farther than ill manners, to differ in opinion from a
majority of either or both Houses; and that ill manners,
I must confess, I have been often guilty of for some
years past, although I hope I never shall again.
Another topic of great use to these weekly inflamers
is the young pretender in France, to whom their
whole party is in a high measure indebted for all their
176
POLITICAL TRACTS
greatness; and whenever it lies in their power they
may perhaps return their acknowledgments, as, out of
their zeal for frequent revolutions, they were ready to
do to his supposed father, which is a piece of secret
history that I hope will one day see the light; and I
am sure it shall if ever I am master of it, without re-
garding whose ears may tingle. But at present the
word pretender is a term of art in their profession.
A secretary of state cannot desire leave to resign, but
the pretender is at bottom; the queen cannot dissolve
a parliament, but it is a plot to dethrone herself and
bring in the pretender; half-a-score stock-jobbers are
playing the knave in Exchange-alley, and there goes
the pretender with a sponge.
One would be apt
to think they bawl out the pretender so often to take
off the terror, or tell so many lies about him to slacken
our caution, that when he is really coming, by their
connivance, we may not believe them, as the boy
served the shepherds about the coming of the wolf;
or perhaps they scare us with the pretender because
they think he may be like some diseases that come
with a fright. Do they not believe that the queen's
present ministry love her majesty at least as well as
some loved the church? And why is it not as great a
mark of disaffection now to say the queen is in danger,
as it was some months ago to affirm the same of the
church? Suppose it be a false opinion that the queen's
right is hereditary and indefeasible; yet how is it
possible that those who hold and believe such a doc-
trine can be in the pretender's interest? His title is
weakened by every argument that strengthens hers: it
is as plain as the words of an act of parliament can
make it that her present majesty is heir to the survivor
THE EXAMINER
177
:
of the late king and queen, her sister is not that an
hereditary right? What need we explain it any farther?
I have known an article of faith expounded in much
looser and more general terms, and that by an author
whose opinions are very much followed by a certain.
party. Suppose we go farther, and examine the word
indefeasible, with which some writers of late have made
themselves so merry; I confess it is hard to conceive
how any law which the supreme power makes may not
by the same power be repealed; so that I shall not
determine whether the queen's right be indefeasible or
not.
But this I will maintain, that whoever affirms
it is so is not guilty of a crime; for in that settlement
of the crown after the Revolution, where her present
majesty is named in remainder, there are (as near as I
can remember) these remarkable words,
"to which we
bind ourselves and our posterity for ever." Lawyers
may explain this, or call them words of form, as they
please; and reasoners may argue that such an obliga-
tion is against the nature of government; but a plain
reader, who takes the words in their natural meaning,
may be excused in thinking a right so confirmed is
indefeasible; and if there be an absurdity in such an
opinion, he is not to answer for it.
P.S. When this paper was going to the press, the
printer brought me two more Observators, wholly
taken up in my Examiner upon lying, which I was at
the pains to read; and they are just such an answer as
the two others I have mentioned. This is all I have
to say on that matter.
N
THE CONDUCT OF THE ALLIES
IT is the folly of too many to mistake the echo of a
London coffeehouse for the voice of the kingdom.
The city coffeehouses have been for some years filled
with people whose fortunes depend upon the Bank,
East India, or some other stock. Every new fund to
these is like a new mortgage to a usurer, whose com-
passion for a young heir is exactly the same with that
of a stock-jobber to the landed gentry. At the court
end of the town, the like places of resort are fre-
quented either by men out of place, and consequently
enemies to the present ministry, or by officers of the
army no wonder, then, if the general cry in all such
meetings be against any peace, either with Spain or
without, which in other words is no more than this, that
discontented men desire another change of ministry;
that soldiers would be glad to keep their commissions;
and that the creditors have money still, and would have
the debtors borrow on at the old extorting rate while
they have any security to give.
Now, to give the most ignorant reader some idea of
our present circumstances, without troubling him or
myself with computations in form: everybody knows
that our land and malt tax amount annually to about
two millions and a half. All other branches of the
revenue are mortgaged to pay interest for what we
have already borrowed. The yearly charge of the
THE CONDUCT OF THE ALLIES
179
war is usually about six millions, to make up which
sum we are forced to take up on the credit of new
funds about three millions and a half. This last year
the computed charge of the war came to above a
million more than all the funds the parliament could
contrive were sufficient to pay interest for, and so we
have been forced to divide a deficiency of twelve hun-
dred thousand pounds among the several branches of
our expense. This is a demonstration that, if the
war be to last another campaign, it will be impossible
to find funds for supplying it without mortgaging the
malt tax, or by some other method equally desperate.
If the peace be made this winter, we are then to
consider what circumstances we shall be in toward
paying a debt of about fifty millions, which is a fourth
part of the purchase of the whole island if it were to
be sold.
Towards clearing ourselves of this monstrous in-
cumbrance, some of these annuities will expire or pay
off the principal in thirty, forty, or a hundred years;
the bulk of the debt must be lessened gradually by
the best management we can, out of what will remain
of the land and malt taxes, after paying guards and
garrisons, and maintaining and supplying our fleet in
the time of peace.
I have not skill enough to com-
pute what will be left, after these necessary charges,
toward annually clearing so vast a debt, but believe
it must be very little; however, it is plain that both
these taxes must be continued, as well for supporting
the government, as because we have no other means
for paying off the principal. And so likewise must
all the other funds remain for paying the interest.
How long a time this must require, how steady an
180
POLITICAL TRACTS
administration, and how undisturbed a state of affairs
both at home and abroad, let others determine.
However, some people think all this very reasonable,
and that, since the struggle has been for peace and
safety, posterity, which is to partake of the benefit,
ought to share in the expense; as if at the breaking out
of this war there had been such a conjuncture of
affairs as never happened before, nor would ever
happen again. It is wonderful that our ancestors, in
all their wars, should never fall under such a necessity;
that we meet no examples of it in Greece and Rome;
that no other nation in Europe ever knew anything
like it, except Spain, about a hundred and twenty
years ago, when they drew it upon themselves by
their own folly and have suffered for it ever since; no
doubt we shall teach posterity wisdom, but they will
be apt to think the purchase too dear, and I wish they
may stand to the bargain we have made in their names.
It is easy to entail debts on succeeding ages, and to
hope they will be able and willing to pay them; but
how to ensure peace for any term of years is difficulty
enough to apprehend. Will human nature ever cease
to have the same passions, princes to entertain designs
of interest or ambition, and occasions of quarrel to
arise? May not we ourselves, by the variety of events
and incidents which happen in the world, be under a
necessity of recovering towns out of the very hands of
those for whom we are now ruining our country to
take them? Neither can it be said that those states
with whom we may probably differ will be in as bad a
condition as ourselves; for by the circumstances of
our situation, and the impositions of our allies, we are
more exhausted than either they or the enemy: and by
THE CONDUCT OF THE ALLIES
181
the nature of our government, the corruption of our
manners, and the opposition of factions, we shall be
more slow in recovering.
It will no doubt be a mighty comfort to our grand-
children, when they see a few rags hung up in West-
minster Hall, which cost a hundred millions, whereof
they are paying the arrears, to boast as beggars do
that their grandfathers were rich and great.
I have often reflected on that mistaken notion of
credit so boasted of by the advocates of the late
ministry was not all that credit built upon funds
raised by the landed men whom they now so much
hate and despise? Is not the greatest part of those
funds raised from the growth and product of land?
Must not the whole debt be entirely paid, and our
fleets and garrisons be maintained, by the land and
malt tax after a peace? If they call it credit to run ten
millions in debt without parliamentary security, by
which the public is defrauded of almost half, I must
think such credit to be dangerous, illegal, and perhaps
treasonable. Neither has anything gone farther to
ruin the nation than their boasted credit. For my
own part, when I saw this false credit sink upon the
change of the ministry, I was singular enough to
conceive it a good omen. It seemed as if the young
extravagant heir had got a new steward, and was
resolved to look into his estate before things grew
desperate, which made the usurers forbear feeding him
with money as they used to do.
Since the moneyed men are so fond of war, I
should be glad they would furnish out one campaign
at their own charge: it is not above six or seven
millions; and I dare engage to make it out that when
182
POLITICAL TRACTS
T
they have done this, instead of contributing equal
to the landed men, they will have their full principal
and interest at six per cent. remaining of all the
money they ever lent to the government.
next.
Without this resource, or some other equally mi-
raculous, it is impossible for us to continue the war
upon the same foot. I have already observed that the
last funds of interest fell short above a million, although
the persons most conversant in ways and means em-
ployed their utmost invention; so that of necessity
we must be still more defective next campaign. But
perhaps our allies will make up this deficiency on our
side by great efforts on their own? Quite the contrary:
both the emperor and Holland failed this year in
several articles, and signified to us some time ago that
they cannot keep up to the same proportions in the
We have gained a noble barrier for the latter,
and they have nothing more to demand or desire. The
emperor, however sanguine he may now affect to ap-
pear, will I suppose be satisfied with Naples, Sicily,
Milan, and his other acquisitions, rather than engage
in a long, hopeless war for the recovery of Spain, to
which his allies the Dutch will neither give their
assistance nor consent. So that, since we have done
their business, since they have no farther service for
our arms, and we have no more money to give them,
and lastly, since we neither desire any recompense nor
expect any thanks, we ought in pity to be dismissed
and have leave to shift for ourselves. They are ripe
for a peace to enjoy and cultivate what we have
conquered for them; and so are we to recover, if
possible, the effects of their hardships upon us. The
first overtures from France are made to England upon
k
"
i
THE CONDUCT OF THE ALLIES
183
safe and honourable terms: we, who bore the burden
of the war, ought in reason to have the greatest share
in making the peace. If we do not hearken to a peace,
others certainly will, and get the advantage of us there,
as they have done in the war. We know the Dutch
have perpetually threatened us that they would enter
into separate measures of a peace; and by the strength
of that argument, as well as by other powerful motives,
prevailed on those who were then at the helm to com-
ply with them on any terms, rather than put an end to
a war which every year brought them such great acces-
sions to their wealth and power. Whoever falls off, a
peace will follow, and then we must be content with
such conditions as our allies, out of their great con-
cern for our safety and interest, will please to choose.
They have no farther occasion for fighting, they have
gained their point, and they now tell us it is our
war; so that in common justice it ought to be our
peace.
All we can propose by the desperate steps of pawning
our land or malt tax, or erecting a general excise, is
only to raise a fund of interest for running us annually
four millions farther in debt, without any prospect of
ending the war so well as we can do at present. And
when we have sunk the only unengaged revenues we
had left, our encumbrances must of necessity remain
perpetual.
We have hitherto lived upon expedients which in
time will certainly destroy any constitution, whether
civil or natural; and there was no country in Christen-
dom had less occasion for them than ours. We have
dieted a healthy body into a consumption, by plying it
with physic instead of food. Art will help us no longer;
184
POLITICAL TRACTS
and if we cannot recover by letting the remains of
nature work, we must inevitably die.
What arts have been used to possess the people with
a strong delusion that Britain must infallibly be ruined
without the recovery of Spain to the house of Austria :
making the safety of a great and powerful kingdom,
as ours was then, to depend upon an event which, after
a war of miraculous successes, proves impracticable!
As if princes and great ministers could find no way of
settling the public tranquillity without changing the
possessions of kingdoms, and forcing sovereigns upon
a people against their inclinations. Is there no security
for the island of Britain unless a king of Spain be de-
throned by the hands of his grandfather? Has the
enemy no cautionary towns and seaports to give us for
securing trade? Can he not deliver us possession of
such places as would put him in a worse condition
whenever he should perfidiously renew the war? The
present king of France has but few years to live by
the course of nature, and doubtless would desire to end
his days in peace. Grandfathers, in private families,
are not observed to have great influence on their
grandsons, and I believe they have much less among
princes; however, when the authority of a parent is
gone, is it likely that Philip will be directed by a
brother against his own interest and that of his subjects?
Have not those two realms their separate maxims of
policy, which must operate in the times of peace?
These at least are probabilities, and cheaper at least by
six millions a-year than recovering Spain or continuing
the war, both which seem absolutely impossible.
But the common question is, if we must now sur-
render Spain, what have we been fighting for all this
THE CONDUCT OF THE ALLIES
185
while? The answer is ready: we have been fighting for
the ruin of the public interest and the advancement of a
private. We have been fighting to raise the wealth and
grandeur of a particular family, to enrich usurers and
stock-jobbers, and to cultivate the pernicious designs
of a faction by destroying the landed interest. The
nation begins now to think these blessings are not
worth fighting for any longer, and therefore desires
a peace.
But the advocates on the other side cry out that we
might have had a better peace than is now in agitation,
above two years ago. Supposing this to be true, I do
assert that, by parity of reason, we must expect one
just so much the worse about two years hence. If
those in power could then have given us a better peace,
more is their infamy and guilt that they did it not.
Why did they insist upon conditions which they were
certain would never be granted? We allow it was in
their power to have put a good end to the war, and
left the nation in some hope of recovering itself. And
this is what we charge them with, as answerable to
God, their country, and posterity, -that the bleeding
condition of their fellow subjects was a feather in the
balance with their private ends.
A PROPOSAL FOR
CORRECTING, IMPROVING,
AND ASCERTAINING THE
ENGLISH TONGUE
IN A LETTER TO THE MOST HONOURABLE ROBERT EARL
OF OXFORD AND MORTIMER, LORD HIGH TREASURER
OF GREAT BRITAIN
This letter was addressed to Lord Oxford in February, 1711-12,
and printed in the following May. It is the only composition.
to which Swift put his name, and is also interesting as an
early attempt to import the principle of the Académie
Française into England. Some of the historical parallels
have been omitted, together with part of the too effusive
panegyric upon Harley, in order to bring the piece within.
due compass.
A PROPOSAL FOR CORRECTING,
IMPROVING, AND ASCERTAINING THE
ENGLISH TONGUE
TH
HE period wherein the English tongue received
most improvement I take to commence with the
beginning of queen Elizabeth's reign, and to conclude
with the great Rebellion in forty-two. It is true, there
was a very ill taste, both of style and wit, which
prevailed under king James I.; but that seems to have
been corrected in the first years of his successor, who,
among many other qualifications of an excellent prince,
was a great patron of learning. From the civil war
to this present time, I am apt to doubt whether the
corruptions in our language have not at least equalled
the refinements of it; and these corruptions very few
of the best authors in our age have wholly escaped.
During the usurpation, such an infusion of enthusiastic
jargon prevailed in every writing, as was not shaken
off in many years after. To this succeeded that licen-
tiousness which entered with the Restoration, and,
from infecting our religion and morals, fell to corrupt
our language; which last was not likely to be much
improved by those who at that time made up the court.
of king Charles II.; either such who had followed
him in his banishment, or who had been altogether
conversant in the dialect of those fanatic times; or
190
PROPOSAL FOR CORRECTING
young men who had been educated in the same
country so that the court, which used to be the
standard of propriety and correctness of speech,
was then, and I think has ever since continued, the
worst school in England for that accomplishment; and
so will remain till better care be taken in the education
of our young nobility, that they may set out into the
world with some foundation of literature, in order to
qualify them for patterns of politeness. The con-
sequence of this defect upon our language may appear
from the plays and other compositions written for
entertainment within fifty years past, filled with a
succession of affected phrases and new conceited
words, either borrowed from the current style of the
court, or from those who, under the character of men
of wit and pleasure, pretended to give the law. Many
of these refinements have already been long anti-
quated, and are now hardly intelligible; which is no
wonder, when they were the product only of ignorance
and caprice.
I have never known this great town without one
or more dunces of figure, who had credit enough to
give rise to some new word, and propagate it in most
conversations, though it had neither humour nor
significancy. If it struck the present taste, it was
soon transferred into the plays and current scribbles
of the week, and became an addition to our language ;
while the men of wit and learning, instead of early
obviating such corruptions, were too often seduced to
imitate and comply with them.
There is another set of men who have contributed
very much to the spoiling of the English tongue; I
mean the poets from the time of the Restoration.
THE ENGLISH TONGUE
191
These gentlemen, although they could not be in-
sensible how much our language was already over-
stocked with monosyllables, yet, to save time and pains,
introduced that barbarous custom of abbreviating words
to fit them to the measure of their verses; and this
they have frequently done so very injudiciously as to
form such harsh unharmonious sounds that none but
a northern ear could endure. They have joined the
most obdurate consonants with one intervening vowel,
only to shorten a syllable; and their taste in time
became so depraved, that what was at first a poetical
license not to be justified, they made their choice,
alleging that the words pronounced at length sounded
faint and languid. This was a pretence to take up
the same custom in prose; so that most of the books.
we see now-a-days are full of those manglings and
abbreviations. Instances of this abuse are innu-
merable: what does your lordship think of the words
drudg'd, disturb'd, rebuk'd, fledg'd, and a thousand
others everywhere to be met with in prose as well as
verse? where, by leaving out a vowel to save a syllable,
we form so jarring a sound, and so difficult to utter,
that I have often wondered how it could ever obtain.
Another cause (and perhaps borrowed from the
former) which has contributed not a little to the
maiming of our language, is a foolish opinion, ad-
vanced of late years, that we ought to spell exactly as
we speak; which, besides the obvious inconvenience
of utterly destroying our etymology, would be a thing
we should never see an end of. Not only the several
towns and counties of England have a different way of
pronouncing, but even here in London they clip their
words after one manner about the court, another in
192
PROPOSAL FOR CORRECTING
the city, and a third in the suburbs; and, in a few
years, it is probable, will all differ from themselves,
as fancy or fashion shall direct; all which, reduced to
writing, would entirely confound orthography. Yet
many people are so fond of this conceit that it is
sometimes a difficult matter to read modern books
and pamphlets, where the words are so curtailed and
varied from their original spelling, that whoever has
been used to plain English will hardly know them by
sight.
Several young men at the universities, terribly
possessed with the fear of pedantry, run into a worse
extreme, and think all politeness to consist in reading
the daily trash sent down to them from hence; this
they call knowing the world and reading men and
manners. Thus furnished, they come up to town,
reckon all their errors for accomplishments, borrow
the newest set of phrases; and if they take a pen into
their hands, all the odd words they have picked up in
a coffeehouse or a gaming ordinary are produced as
flowers of style, and the orthography refined to the
utmost. To this we owe those monstrous productions
which, under the name of Trips, Spies, Amusements,
and other conceited appellations, have overrun us for
some years past. To this we owe that strange race of
wits who tell us they write to the humour of the age.
And I wish I could say these quaint fopperies were
wholly absent from graver subjects. In short, I would
undertake to show your lordship several pieces where
the beauties of this kind are so predominant, that,
with all your skill in languages, you could never be
able to read or understand them.
But I am very much mistaken if many of these false
THE ENGLISH TONGUE
193
refinements among us do not arise from a principle
which would quite destroy their credit, if it were well
understood and considered. For I am afraid, my lord,
that, with all the real good qualities of our country,
we are naturally not very polite. This perpetual
disposition to shorten our words by retrenching the
vowels is nothing else but a tendency to lapse into the
barbarity of those northern nations from whom we are
descended, and whose languages labour all under the
same defect. For it is worthy our observation that
the Spaniards, the French, and the Italians, although
derived from the same northern ancestors with our-
selves, are with the utmost difficulty taught to
pronounce our words; which the Swedes and Danes,
as well as the Germans and the Dutch, attain to with
ease, because our syllables resemble theirs in the
roughness and frequency of consonants. Now, as we
struggle with an ill climate to improve the nobler
kinds of fruits, are at the expense of walls to receive
and reverberate the faint rays of the sun, and fence
against the northern blast, we sometimes, by the help
of a good soil, equal the production of warmer coun-
tries, who have no need to be at so much cost and
care. It is the same thing with respect to the politer
arts among us; and the same defect of heat, which
gives a fierceness to our natures, may contribute to
that roughness of our language, which bears some
analogy to the harsh fruit of colder countries. For I
do not reckon that we want a genius more than the
rest of our neighbours but your lordship will be of
my opinion, that we ought to struggle with these
natural disadvantages as much as we can, and be
careful whom we employ whenever we design to
0
194
PROPOSAL FOR CORRECTING
correct them; which is a work that has hitherto been
assumed by the least qualified hands. So that, if the
choice had been left to me, I would rather have
trusted the refinement of our language, as far as it
relates to sound, to the judgment of the women, than
of illiterate court fops, half-witted poets, and univer-
sity boys. For it is plain that women, in their
manner of corrupting words, do naturally discard the
consonants as we do the vowels. What I am going
to tell your lordship appears very trifling: that more
than once, where some of both sexes were in company,
I have persuaded two or three of each to take a pen,
and write down a number of letters joined together,
just as it came into their heads; and upon reading
this gibberish we have found that which the men had
wrote, by the frequent encountering of rough con-
sonants, to sound like High Dutch; and the other,
by the women, like Italian, abounding in vowels and
liquids. Now, though I would by no means give
ladies the trouble of advising us in the reformation of
our language, yet I cannot help thinking that, since
they have been left out of all meetings, except parties
at play or where worse designs are carried on, our
conversation has very much degenerated.
In order to reform our language, I conceive, my
lord, that a free judicious choice should be made of
such persons as are generally allowed to be best quali-
fied for such a work, without any regard to quality,
party, or profession. These, to a certain number at
least, should assemble at some appointed time and
place, and fix on rules by which they design to proceed.
What methods they will take is not for me to prescribe.
Your lordship, and other persons in great employments,
THE ENGLISH TONGUE
195
might please to be of the number: and I am afraid
such a society would want your instruction and example
as much as your protection; for I have, not without a
little envy, observed of late the style of some great
ministers very much to exceed that of any other pro-
ductions.
The persons who are to undertake this work will
have the example of the French before them, to imitate
where these have proceeded right, and to avoid their
mistakes. Beside the grammar part, wherein we are
allowed to be very defective, they will observe many
gross improprieties, which, however authorized by
practice and grown familiar, ought to be discarded.
They will find many words that deserve to be utterly
thrown out of our language; many more to be cor-
rected; and perhaps not a few, long since antiquated,
which ought to be restored on account of their energy
and sound.
But what I have most at heart is that some method
should be thought on for ascertaining and fixing our
language for ever, after such alterations are made in it
as shall be thought requisite. For I am of opinion
it is better a language should not be wholly perfect,
than that it should be perpetually changing; and we
must give over at one time, or at length infallibly
change for the worse; as the Romans did, when they
began to quit their simplicity of style for affected re-
finements, such as we meet in Tacitus and other
authors; which ended by degrees in many barbarities,
even before the Goths had invaded Italy.
The fame of our writers is usually confined to these
two islands; and it is hard it should be limited in time,
as much as place, by the perpetual variations of our
196
PROPOSAL FOR CORRECTING
speech. It is your lordship's observation, that if it
were not for the Bible and Common Prayer Book in
the vulgar tongue, we should hardly be able to under-
stand anything that was written among us a hundred
years ago; which is certainly true for those books,
being perpetually read in churches, have proved a kind
of standard for language, especially to the common
people. And I doubt whether the alterations since
introduced have added much to the beauty or strength
of the English tongue, though they have taken off a
great deal from that simplicity which is one of the
greatest perfections in any language. You, my lord,
who are so conversant in the sacred writings, and so
great a judge of them in their originals, will agree
that no translation our country ever yet produced has
come up to that of the Old and New Testament and
by the many beautiful passages which I have often had
the honour to hear your lordship cite from thence, I am
persuaded that the translators of the Bible were
masters of an English style much fitter for that work
than any we see in our present writings; which I take
to be owing to the simplicity that runs through the
whole. Then, as to the greatest part of our liturgy,
compiled long before the translation of the Bible now
in use, and little altered since, there seems to be in it
s great strains of true sublime eloquence as are any-
where to be found in our language; which every man
of good taste will observe in the communion service,
that of burial, and other parts.
But when I say that I would have our language,
after it is duly correct, always to last, I do not mean
that it should never be enlarged. Provided that no
word, which a society shall give a sanction to, be
THE ENGLISH TONGUE
197
afterwards antiquated and exploded, they may have
liberty to receive whatever new ones they shall find
occasion for; because then the old books will yet be
always valuable according to their intrinsic worth, and
not thrown aside on account of unintelligible words and
phrases, which appear harsh and uncouth only because
they are out of fashion. Had the Roman tongue con-
tinued vulgar in that city till this time, it would have
been absolutely necessary, from the mighty changes
that have been made in law and religion, from the
many terms of art required in trade and in war, from
the new inventions that have happened in the world,
from the vast spreading of navigation and commerce,
with many other obvious circumstances, to have made
great additions to that language; yet the ancients
would still have been read and understood with pleasure
and ease. The Greek tongue received many enlarge-
ments between the time of Homer and that of Plutarch,
yet the former author was probably as well understood
in Trajan's time as the latter. What Horace says of
words going off and perishing like leaves, the new ones
coming in their place, is a misfortune he laments,
rather than a thing he approves; but I cannot see why
this should be absolutely necessary, or, if it were,
what would have become of his monumentum acre
perennius.
As barbarous and ignorant as we were in former
centuries, there was more effectual care taken by our
ancestors to preserve the memory of times and persons,
than we find in this age of learning and politeness, as
we are pleased to call it. The rude Latin of the
monks is still very intelligible; whereas, had their
records been delivered down only in the vulgar tongue,
198
PROPOSAL FOR CORRECTING
so barren and so barbarous, so subject to continua
succeeding changes, they could not now be understood
unless by antiquaries who make it their study to ex-
pound them. And we must at this day have been
content with such poor abstracts of our English story
as laborious men of low genius would think fit to give
us; and even these, in the next age, would be likewise
swallowed up in succeeding collections.
If things go
on at this rate, all I can promise your lordship is, that
about two hundred years hence some painful compiler,
who will be at the trouble of studying old language,
may inform the world that, in the reign of queen Anne,
Robert earl of Oxford, a very wise and excellent man,
was made high treasurer, and saved his country, which
in those days was almost ruined by a foreign war and
a domestic faction. Thus much he may be able to
pick out, and willing to transfer into his new history;
but the rest of your character, which I or any other
writer may now value ourselves by drawing, and the
particular account of the great things done under your
ministry, for which you are already so celebrated in
most parts of Europe, will probably be dropped, on
account of the antiquated style and manner they are
delivered in.
How, then, shall any man who has a genius for history
equal to the best of the ancients be able to undertake
such a work with spirit and cheerfulness, when he con-
siders that he will be read with pleasure but a very few
years, and in an age or two shall hardly be understood
without an interpreter? This is like employing an ex-
cellent statuary to work upon mouldering stone. Those
who apply their studies to preserve the memory of
others will always have some concern for their own;
THE ENGLISH TONGUE
199
and I believe it is for this reason that so few writers
ainong us of any distinction have turned their thoughts
to such a discouraging employment; for the best English
historian must lie under this mortification, that, when
his style grows antiquated, he will be only considered
as a tedious relater of facts, and perhaps consulted in
his turn, among other neglected authors, to furnish
materials for some future collector.
I doubt your lordship is but ill entertained with a
few scattered thoughts upon a subject that deserves to
be treated with ability and care. However, I must
beg leave to add a few words more, perhaps not al-
together foreign to the same matter. I know not
whether that which I am going to say may pass for
caution, advice, or reproach; any of which will be
justly thought very improper from one in my station
to one in yours. However, I must venture to affirm,
that if genius and learning be not encouraged under
your lordship's administration, you are the most in-
excusable person alive. All your other virtues, my
lord, will be defective without this; your affability,
candour, and good nature; that perpetual agreeable-
ness of conversation, so disengaged in the midst of
such a weight of business and opposition; even your
justice, prudence, and magnanimity, will shine less
bright without it. Your lordship is universally allowed
to possess a very large portion in most parts of
literature; and to this you owe the cultivating of
those many virtues which otherwise would have been
less adorned or in lower perfection. Neither can
you acquit yourself of these obligations without letting
the arts, in their turn, share your influence and pro-
tection besides, who knows but some true genius
200
PROPOSAL FOR CORRECTING
may happen to arise under your ministry, exortus ut
æthereus sol. Every age might perhaps produce one
or two of these to adorn it, if they were not sunk
under the censure and obloquy of plodding, servile,
imitating pedants. I do not mean, by a true genius,
any bold writer who breaks through the rules of de-
cency to distinguish himself by the singularity of his
opinions; but one who, upon a deserving subject, is
able to open new scenes, and discover a vein of true
and noble thinking, which never entered into any
imagination before; every stroke of whose pen is
worth all the paper blotted by hundreds of others in
the compass of their lives. I know, my lord, your
friends will offer in your defence that in your private
capacity you never refused your purse and credit to
the service and support of learned or ingenious men ;
and that, ever since you have been in public employ-
ment, you have constantly bestowed your favours to
the most deserving persons. But I desire
But I desire your lord-
ship not to be deceived; we never will admit of these
excuses, nor will allow your private liberality, as
great as it is, to atone for your excessive public thrift.
But here again, I am afraid, most good subjects will
interpose in your defence, by alleging the desperate
condition you found the nation in, and the necessity
there was for so able and faithful a steward to retrieve
it, if possible, by the utmost frugality. We grant all
this, my lord; but then it ought likewise to be con-
sidered that you have already saved several millions
to the public, and that what we ask is too inconsider-
able to break into any rules of the strictest good hus-
bandry. The French king bestows about half-a-dozen
Hensions to learned men in several parts of Europe,
THE ENGLISH TONGUE
201
and perhaps a dozen in his own kingdom; which in
the whole do probably not amount to half the income
of many a private commoner in England, yet have
more contributed to the glory of that prince than any
million he has otherwise employed. For learning, like
all true merit, is easily satisfied; while the false and
counterfeit is perpetually craving, and never thinks it
has enough. The smallest favour given by a great
prince as a mark of esteem to reward the endowments
of the mind, never fails to be returned with praise and
gratitude, and loudly celebrated to the world.
TRACTS RELATING TO
IRELAND
A project was set on foot in 1720 for the establishing of a national
bank in Dublin. Swift took it for a variety of the stock-job-
bing schemes which the South Sea Bubble had made over-
familiar, and wrote several skits upon the subject, including
the Swearer's Bank, with the result that the project was
rejected in parliament.
The seven Drapier's Letters, which were published at intervals
in 1724, were the first of Swift's writings to exercise that
powerful influence over the people of Ireland which he
long afterwards retained. Their precise object, the rejection
of a copper coinage supposed to be base, and known to be
uttered by a party "job," presents little of permanent interest,
though the fraud, if such it was, stirred the vials of Swift's
wrath tempest-high. The real importance of these Letters
lies in their effect upon the Irish nation. For the first time
an Irish public opinion was brought to bear upon the dis-
tant Government. The Drapier's Letters won the day;
Wood's Halfpence were countermanded; and the Dean, with
an ineffectual offer of £300 for the discovery of the Drapier
upon his head, became the idol of his countrymen and the
terror of the lord-lieutenant. But the Letters are not wholly
busied with halfpence. In the fourth, along with some of
Swift's best manner in the treatment of the threat about the
fire-balls, we come upon a noble vindication of Irish liberty
and a strenuous repudiation of the doctrine of dependence. It
was in this fourth letter that the Government found matter
for prosecution, but no jury could be induced to bring a true
bill even against the printer; and as for betraying the Dean,
the popular feeling was expressed in the scriptural saying,
then on everyone's lips, Shall Jonathan die who hath
wrought this great salvation in Israel "?

The Modest Proposal was written and published in 1729, when
people in Ireland were starving in thousands and the dead
lay unburied at the doors. It gives the essence of Swift's
feeling about Ireland, and is "one of the most tremendous
pieces of satire in existence. Swift is burning with a pas-
sion, the glow of which makes other passions look cold, as
it is said that some bright lights cause other illuminating
objects to cast a shadow. Yet his face is absolutely grave,
and he details his plan as calmly as a modern projector sug-
gesting the importation of Australian meat. The superficial
coolness may be revolting to tender-hearted people, and has
indeed led to condemnation of the supposed ferocity of the
author almost as surprising as the criticisms which can see
in it nothing but an exquisite piece of humour. It is, in
truth, fearful to read even now. Yet we can forgive and
even sympathize when we take it for what it really is-the
most complete expression of burning indignation against in-
tolerable wrongs. "-Leslie Stephen.
THE SWEARER'S BANK
OR PARLIAMENTARY SECURITY FOR ESTABLISHING
A NEW BANK IN IRELAND, WHEREIN THE
MEDICAL USE OF OATHS IS CONSIDERED
Si populus vult decipi, decipiatur.
Ο believe everything that is said by a certain set of
men, and to do bt of nothing they relate, though
ever so improbable," is a maxim that has contributed
as much, for the time, to the support of Irish banks as
it ever did to the Popish religion; and they are not
wholly beholden to the latter for their foundation, but
they have the happiness to have the same patron saint;
for Ignorance, the reputed mother of the devotion of
one, seems to bear the same affectionate relation to the
credit of the other.
:
To subscribe to banks, without knowing the scheme
or design of them, is not unlike to some gentlemen's
signing addresses without knowing the contents of
them to engage in a bank that has neither act of
parliament, charter, nor lands to support it, is like
sending a ship to sea without a bottom; to expect a
coach and six by the former, would be as ridiculous as
to hope a return by the latter.
It was well known some time ago that our banks
would be included in the bubble-bill; and it was be-
1
206
TRACTS ON IRELAND
lieved those chimeras would necessarily vanish with
the first easterly wind that should inform the town of
the royal assent.
It was very mortifying to several gentlemen who
dreamed of nothing but easy chariots, on the arrival
of the fatal packet, to slip out of them into their walk-
ing shoes. But should those banks, as it is vainly
imagined, be so fortunate as to obtain a charter, and
purchase lands; yet, on any run on them in a time of
invasion, there would be so many starving proprietors,
reviving their old pretensions to land and a bellyful,
that the subscribers would be unwilling upon any call
to part with their money, not knowing what might
happen; so that in a rebellion, where the success was
doubtful, the bank would infallibly break.
Since so many gentlemen of this town have had the
courage, without any security, to appear in the same
paper with a million or two; it is hoped, when they are
made sensible of their safety, that they will be prevailed
to trust themselves in a neat skin of parchment, with a
single one.
To encourage them, the undertaker proposes the
erecting of a bank on parliamentary security, and such
security as no revolution or change of times can
effect.
To take away all jealousy of any private view of the
undertaker, he assures the world that he is now in a
garret, in a very thin waistcoat, studying the public
good; having given an undeniable pledge of his love
to his country by pawning his coat in order to defray
the expense of the press.
It is very well known that, by an act of parliament
to prevent profane swearing, the person so offending, on
THE SWEARER'S BANK
207
0572
oath made before a magistrate, forfeits a shilling, which
may be levied with little difficulty.
It is almost unnecessary to mention that this is be-
come a pet vice among us; and though age renders us
unfit for other vices, yet this, where it takes hold, never
leaves us but with our speech.
So vast a revenue might be raised by the execution
of this act, that I have often wondered, in a scarcity of
funds, that methods have not been taken to make it
serviceable to the public.
I dare venture to say, if this act was well executed
in England, the revenue of it, applied to the navy,
would make the English fleet a terror to all Europe.
It is computed by geographers that there are
2,000,000 in this kingdom (of Ireland), of which num-
ber there may be said to be 1,000,000 of swearing
souls.
It is thought there may be 5000 gentlemen; every
gentleman, taking one with another, may afford to
swear an oath every day, which will yearly produce
1,825,000 oaths; which number of shillings makes
the yearly sum of £91,250.
The farmers of this kingdom, who are computed to
be 10,000, are able to spend yearly 500,000 oaths,
which gives £25,000; and it is conjectured that,
from the bulk of the people, £20,000 or £25,000 may
be yearly collected.
These computations are very modest, since it is evi-
dent that there is a much greater consumption of oaths
in this kingdom, and consequently a much greater sum
might be yearly raised.
That it may be collected with ease and regularity, it
is proposed to settle informers in great towns in propor-
}
¡
+
208
TRACTS ON IRELAND
tion to the number of inhabitants, and to have riding-
officers in the country; and since nothing brings a
greater contempt on any profession than poverty, it is
determined to settle very handsome salaries on the
gentlemen that are employed by the bank, that they
may, by a generosity of living, reconcile men to an
office that has lain under so much scandal of late as to
be undertaken by none but curates, clerks of meeting.
houses, and broken tradesmen.
►
It is very probable that £20,000 will be necessary
to defray all expenses of servants, salaries, etc.
However, there will be the clear yearly sum of
£100,000, which may very justly claim a million.
subscription.
It is determined to lay out the remaining unapplied
profits, which will be very considerable, toward the
erecting and maintaining of charity schools. A design
so beneficial to the public, and especially to the pro-
testant interest of this kingdom, has met with so much
encouragement from several great patriots in England,
that they have engaged to procure an act to secure the
sole benefit of informing on this swearing act to the
agents and servants of this new bank.
Several of my
friends pretend to demonstrate, that this bank will in
time vie with the South Sea Company: they insist,
that the army dispend as many oaths yearly as will
produce £100,000 nett.
There are computed to be 100 pretty fellows in
this town that swear fifty oaths a-head daily; some of
them would think it hard to be stinted to a hundred :
this very branch would produce a vast sum yearly.
The fairs of this kingdom will bring in a vast reve-
nue; the oaths of a little Connaught one, as well as
THE SWEARER'S BANK
209
they could be numbered by two persons, amounted to
three thousand. It is true that it would be impossible
to turn all of them into ready money, for a shilling is
so great a duty on swearing, that if it was carefully
exacted the common people might as well pretend to
drink wine as to swear, and an oath would be as rare
among them as a clean shirt.
A servant that I employed to accompany the militia
their last muster day had scored down, in the compass
of eight hours, three hundred oaths; but, as the putting
of the act in execution on those days would only fill the
stocks with porters, and pawn-shops with muskets and
swords, and as it would be matter of great joy to
papists and disaffected persons to see our militia swear
themselves out of their guns and swords; it is resolved
that no advantage shall be taken of any militiaman's
swearing while he is under arms; nor shall any advan-
tage be taken of any man's swearing in the Four Courts,
provided he is at hearing in the exchequer, or has just
paid off an attorney's bill.
The medicinal use of oaths is what the undertaker
would by no means discourage, especially where it is
necessary to help the lungs to throw off any distilling
humour. On certificate of a course of swearing pre-
scribed by any physician, a permit will be given to the
patient by the proper officer of the bank, paying no
more than sixpence. It is expected that a scheme of
so much advantage to the public will meet with more
encouragement than their chimerical banks; and the
undertaker hopes, that as he has spent a considerable
fortune in bringing this scheme to bear, he may have
the satisfaction to see it take place for the public good,
though he should have the fate of most projectors, to
be undone.
P
1
THE DRAPIER'S LETTERS
LETTER THE FOURTH
TO THE WHOLE PEOPLE OF IRELAND
Oct. 23, 1724.
MY DEAR COUNTRYMEN,
HAVING already written three letters upon so dis-
agreeable a subject as Mr. Wood and his halfpence, I
conceived my task was at an end; but I find that
cordials must be frequently applied to weak con-
stitutions, political as well as natural. A people long
used to hardships lose by degrees the very notions of
liberty. They look upon themselves as creatures at
mercy, and that all impositions laid on them by a
stronger hand are, in the phrase of the Report, legal
and obligatory. Hence proceed that poverty and low-
ness of spirit to which a kingdom may be subject, as
well as a particular person. And when Esau came
fainting from the field at the point to die, it is no
wonder that he sold his birthright for a mess of pottage.
I thought I had sufficiently shown to all who could
want instruction by what methods they might safely
proceed, whenever this coin should be offered to them;
and I believe there has not been for many ages an
example of any kingdom so firmly united in a point of
THE DRAPIER'S FOURTH LETTER
211
great importance, as this of ours is at present against
that detestable fraud. But however, it so happens
that some weak people begin to be alarmed anew by
rumours industriously spread. Wood prescribes to
the newsmongers in London what they are to write.
In one of their papers, published here by some ob-
scure printer, and certainly with a bad design, we are
told "That the papists in Ireland have entered into
an association against his coin," although it be
notoriously known that they never once offered to stir
in the matter; so that the two houses of parliament,
the privy-council, the great number of corporations,
the lord mayor and aldermen of Dublin, the grand
juries and principal gentlemen of several counties, are
stigmatized in a lump under the name of "papists.
""
("
This impostor and his crew do likewise give out,
that by refusing to receive his dross for sterling we
dispute the king's prerogative, are grown ripe for
rebellion, and ready to shake off the dependency of
Ireland upon the crown of England." To counte-
nance which reports he has published a paragraph in
another newspaper, to let us know that "the lord-lieu-
tenant is ordered to come over immediately to settle
his halfpence."
I entreat you, my dear countrymen, not to be under
the least concern upon these and the like rumours,
which are no more than the last howls of a dog dissected
alive, as I hope he has sufficiently been. These calumn-
nies are the only reserve that is left him. For surely
our continued and (almost) unexampled loyalty will
never be called in question, for not suffering ourselves
to be robbed of all that we have by one obscure iron-
monger.
212
TRACTS ON IRELAND
As to disputing the king's prerogative, give me leave
to explain to those who are ignorant what the mean-
ing of that word prerogative is.
The kings of these realms enjoy several powers,
wherein the laws have not interposed. So they can
make war and peace without the consent of parlia-
ment-and this is a very great prerogative: but if the
parliament does not approve of the war, the king
must bear the charge of it out of his own purse-and
this is a great check on the crown. So the king has
a prerogative to coin money without consent of parlia-
ment; but he cannot compel the subject to take that
money except it be sterling gold or silver, because
herein he is limited by law. Some princes have, in-
deed, extended their prerogative farther than the law
allowed them; wherein, however, the lawyers of
succeeding ages, as fond as they are of precedents,
have never dared to justify them. But to say the
truth, it is only of late times that prerogative has been
fixed and ascertained; for whoever reads the history
of England will find that some former kings, and
those none of the worst, have upon several occasions
ventured to control the laws, with very little ceremony
or scruple, even later than the days of queen Elizabeth.
In her reign that pernicious counsel of sending base
money hither very narrowly failed of losing the king-
dom-being complained of by the lord-deputy, the
council, and the whole body of the English here; so
that soon after her death it was recalled by her suc-
cessor, and lawful money paid in exchange.
Having thus given you some notion of what is
meant by "the king's prerogative," as far as a trades-
man can be thought capable of explaining it, I will
THE DRAPIER'S FOURTH LETTER
213
only add the opinion of the great lord Bacon: "That,
as God governs the world by the settled laws of
nature, which he has made, and never transcends
those laws but upon high important occasions, so
among earthly princes those are the wisest and the
best who govern by the known laws of the country,
and seldomest make use of their prerogative."
Now here you may see that the vile accusation of
Wood and his accomplices, charging us with dis-
puting the king's prerogative by refusing his brass,
can have no place-because compelling the subject to
take any coin which is not sterling is no part of the
king's prerogative, and I am very confident if it were
so we should be the last of his people to dispute it;
as well from that inviolable loyalty we have always
paid to his majesty as from the treatment we might,
in such a case, justly expect from some who seem to
think we have neither common sense nor common
senses. But God be thanked, the best of them are
only our fellow-subjects and not our masters. One
great merit I am sure we have, which those of English
birth can have no pretence to-that our ancestors
reduced this kingdom to the obedience of England;
for which we have been rewarded with a worse
climate,—the privilege of being governed by laws to
which we do not consent,-a ruined trade, -a house
of peers without jurisdiction,—almost an incapacity
for all employments,-and the dread of Wood's half-
pence.
But we are so far from disputing the king's pre-
rogative in coining, that we own he has power to give
a patent to any man for setting his royal image and
superscription upon whatever materials he pleases,
214
TRACTS ON IRELAND
and liberty to the patentee to offer them in any country
from England to Japan; only attended with one small
limitation that nobody alive is obliged to take them.
Upon these considerations, I was ever against all
recourse to England for a remedy against the present
impending evil; especially when I observed that the
addresses of both houses, after long expectance, pro-
duced nothing but a REPORT, altogether in favour of
Wood; upon which I made some observations in a
former letter, and might at least have made as many
more, for it is a paper of as singular a nature as I ever
beheld.
But I mistake; for before this Report was made,
his majesty's most gracious answer to the house of
lords was sent over, and printed; wherein are these
words, granting the patent for coining halfpence and
farthings, AGREEABLE TO THE PRACTICE OF HIS
ROYAL PREDECESSORS, &c. That king Charles II.
and king James II. (AND THEY ONLY) did grant
patents for this purpose is indisputable, and I have
shown it at large. Their patents were passed under
the great seal of Ireland, by references to Ireland; the
copper to be coined in Ireland; the patentee was
bound, on demand, to receive his coin back in Ireland,
and pay silver and gold in return. Wood's patent was
made under the great seal of England; the brass coined
in England; not the least reference made to Ireland;
the sum immense, and the patentee under no obligation
to receive it again and give good money for it. This I
only mention, because in my private thoughts I have
sometimes made a query whether the penner of those
words in his majesty's most gracious answer, “agree-
able to the practice of his royal predecessors," had
THE DRAPIER'S FOURTH LETTER
215
maturely considered the several circumstances which,
in my poor opinion, seem to make a difference.
Let me now say something concerning the other
great cause of some people's fear, as Wood has taught
the London newswriter to express it, that his excellency
the lord-lieutenant is coming over to settle Wood's
halfpence.
We know very well, that the lords-lieutenants, for
several years past, have not thought this kingdom
worthy the honour of their residence longer than was
absolutely necessary for the king's business, which
consequently wanted no speed in the dispatch. And
therefore it naturally fell into most men's thoughts
that a new governor, coming at an unusual time, must
portend some unusual business to be done; especially
if the common report be true, that the parliament, pro-
rogued to I know not when, is by a new summons
revoking that prorogation to assemble soon after the
arrival; for which extraordinary proceeding the lawyers
on the other side the water have by great good fortune
found two precedents.
All this being granted, it can never enter into my
head, that so little a creature as Wood could find
credit enough with the king and his ministers, to have
the lord-lieutenant of Ireland sent hither in a hurry
upon his errand.
For let us take the whole matter nakedly as it lies.
before us, without the refinements of some people,
with which we have nothing to do. Here is a patent
granted under the great seal of England, upon false
suggestions, to one William Wood, for coining copper
halfpence for Ireland. The parliament here, upon
apprehensions of the worst consequences from the said
216
TRACTS ON IRELAND
patent, address the king to have it recalled. This is
refused; and a committee of the privy-council report
to his majesty that Wood has performed the conditions.
of his patent. He then is left to do the best he can
with his halfpence, no man being obliged to receive
them; the people here, being likewise left to them-
selves, unite as one man, resolving they will have
nothing to do with his ware.
us.
By this plain account of the fact it is manifest, that
the king and his ministry are wholly out of the case,
and the matter is left to be disputed between him and
Will any man, therefore, attempt to persuade me
that a lord-lieutenant is to be dispatched over in great
haste before the ordinary time, and a parliament sum-
moned by anticipating a prorogation, merely to put a
hundred thousand pounds into the pocket of a sharper,
by the ruin of a most loyal kingdom ?
But supposing all this to be true, by what arguments
could a lord-lieutenant prevail on the same parliament,
which addressed with so much zeal and earnestness
against this evil, to pass it into a law? I am sure
their opinion of Wood and his project is not mended
since their last prorogation; and supposing those
methods should be used which detractors tell us have
been sometimes put in practice for gaining votes, it is
well known that in this kingdom there are few employ-
ments to be given; and if there were more it is as
well known to whose share they must fall.
But, because great numbers of you are altogether
ignorant of the affairs of your country, I will tell you
some reasons why there are so few employments to be
disposed of in this kingdom.
All considerable offices for life are here possessed by
THE DRAPIER'S FOURTH LETTER
217
those to whom the reversions were granted; and these
have been generally followers of the chief governors, or
persons who had interest in the court of England. So
the lord Berkeley of Stratton holds the great office of
master of the rolls; the lord Palmerstown is first re-
membrancer, worth near £2000 per annum. One
Dodington, secretary to the earl of Pembroke, begged
the reversion of clerk of the pells, worth £2500 a-year,
which he now enjoys by the death of the lord New-
town. Mr. Southwell is secretary of state, and the
earl of Burlington lord high treasurer of Ireland, by in-
heritance. These are only a few among many others
which I have been told of, but cannot remember.
Nay, the reversion of several employments during
pleasure is granted the same way. This, among many
others, is a circumstance whereby the kingdom of
Ireland is distinguished from all other nations upon
earth, and makes it so difficult an affair to get into a
civil employ, that Mr. Addison was forced to purchase
an old obscure place, called keeper of the records in
Birmingham's tower, of £10 a-year, and to get a salary
of £400 annexed to it, though all the records there
are not worth half-a-crown either for curiosity or use.
And we lately saw a favourite secretary descend to be
master of the revels, which by his credit and extortion
he has made pretty considerable. I say nothing of the
under-treasurership, worth about £9000 a-year, nor of
the commissioners of the revenue, four of whom gene-
rally live in England, for I think none of these are
granted in reversion. But the jest is that I have
known upon occasion some of these absent officers as
keen against the interest of Ireland as if they had
never been indebted to her for a single groat,
218
TRACTS ON IRELAND
I confess I have been sometimes tempted to wish
that this project of Wood's might succeed; because I
reflected with some pleasure what a jolly crew it would
bring over among us of lords and squires and pension-
ers of both sexes, and officers civil and military, where
we should live together as merry and sociable as beg-
gars, only with this one abatement, that we should
neither have meat to feed nor manufactures to clothe
us, unless we could be content to prance about in coats
of mail or eat brass as ostriches do iron.
I return from this digression to that which gave me
the occasion of making it. And I believe you are now
convinced that if the parliament of Ireland were as
temptable as any other assembly within a mile of
Christendom (which God forbid !), yet the managers
must of necessity fail for want of tools to work with.
But I will yet go one step farther, by supposing that a
hundred new employments were erected on purpose to
gratify compliers; yet still an insuperable difficulty
would remain. For it happens, I know not how, that
money is neither Whig nor Tory-neither of town nor
country party; and it is not improbable, that a gentle-
man would rather choose to live upon his own estate,
which brings him gold and silver, than with the addition
of an employment, when his rents and salary must both
be paid in Wood's brass at above 80 per cent. discount.
So
For these and many other reasons I am confident
you need not be under the least apprehension from
the sudden expectation of the lord-lieutenant, while
we continue in our present hearty disposition, to alter
which no suitable temptation can possibly be offered.
And if, as I have often asserted from the best authority,
the law has not left a power in the crown to force any
THE DRAPIER'S FOURTH LETTER
219
money, except sterling, upon the subject, much less
can the crown devolve such a power upon another.
This I speak with the utmost respect to the person
and dignity of his excellency the lord Carteret, whose
character was lately given me by a gentleman that has
known him from his first appearance in the world.
That gentleman describes him as a young nobleman of
great accomplishments, excellent learning, regular in
his life, and of much spirit and vivacity. He has since,
as I have heard, been employed abroad; was principal
secretary of state; and is now, about the thirty-seventh
year of his age, appointed lord-lieutenant of Ireland.
From such a governor this kingdom may reasonably
hope for as much prosperity as, under so many dis-
couragements, it can be capable of receiving.
It is true, indeed, that within the memory of man
there have been governors of so much dexterity as to
carry points of terrible consequence to this kingdom
by their power with those who are in office; and by
their arts in managing or deluding others with oaths,
affability, and even with dinners. If Wood's brass
had in those times been upon the anvil, it is obvious.
enough to conceive what methods would have been
taken. Depending persons would have been told in
plain terms, "that it was a service expected from them,
under the pain of the public business being put into
more complying hands." Others would be allured
by promises. To the country gentlemen, beside good
words, burgundy, and closeting, it might perhaps have
been hinted, "how kindly it would be taken to com-
ply with a royal patent, although it were not compul-
sory; that if any inconveniences ensued, it might be
made up with other graces or favours hereafter; that
220
TRACTS ON IRELAND
gentlemen ought to consider whether it were prudent
or safe to disgust England. They would be desired to
think of some good bills for encouraging of trade and
setting the poor to work; some further acts against
popery, and for uniting protestants." There would
be solemn engagements, "that we should never be
troubled with above £40,000 in his coin, and all of
the best and weightiest sort, for which we should
only give our manufactures in exchange, and keep
our gold and silver at home." Perhaps a seasonable
report of some invasion would have been spread in
the most proper juncture; which is a great smoother
of rubs in public proceedings; and we should have been
told that this was no time to create differences when
the kingdom was in danger.
CC
""
These, I say, and the like methods would, in corrupt
times, have been taken to let in this deluge of brass
among us; and I am confident, even then would not
have succeeded; much less under the administration of
so excellent a person as the lord Carteret, and in a
country where the people of all ranks, parties, and
denominations, are convinced to a man that the utter
undoing of themselves and their posterity for ever will
be dated from the admission of that execrable coin;
that if it once enters, it can be no more confined to a
small or moderate quantity than a plague can be con-
fined to a few families; and that no equivalent can be
given by any earthly power, any more than a dead
carcase can be recovered to life by a cordial.
There is one comfortable circumstance in this uni-
versal opposition to Mr. Wood, that the people sent
over hither from England, to fill up our vacancies,
ecclesiastical, civil, and military, are all on our side.
THE DRAPIER'S FOURTH LETTER
221
Money, the great divider of the world, has, by a
strange revolution, been a great uniter of a most
divided people. Who would leave £100 a-year in
England (a country of freedom) to be paid £1000 in
Ireland out of Wood's exchequer? The gentleman
they have lately made primate would never quit his
seat in an English house of lords, and his pre-
ferments at Oxford and Bristol, worth £1200 a-
year, for four times the denomination here but not
half the value; therefore, I expect to hear he will
be as good an Irishman, at least upon this one
article, as any of his brethren, or even of us who have
had the misfortune to be born in this island. For
those who in the common phrase do not come hither
to learn the language would never change a better
country for a worse, to receive brass instead of gold.
Another slander spread by Wood and his emissaries
is "that by opposing him we discover an inclination
to throw off our dependence upon the crown of Eng-
land." Pray observe how important a person is this
same William Wood, and how the public weal of two
kingdoms is involved in his private interest. First, all
those who refuse to take his coin are papists; for he
tells us, “that none but papists are associated against
him." Secondly,
Secondly, "they dispute the king's prero-
gative." Thirdly, "they are ripe for rebellion." And,
fourthly, "they are going to shake off their depend-
ence upon the crown of England;" that is to say,
they are going to choose another king; for there can
be no other meaning in this expression, however some
may pretend to strain it.
And this gives me an opportunity of explaining to
those who are ignorant another point, which has often
222
TRACTS ON IRELAND
swelled in my breast. Those who come over hither to
us from England, and some weak people among our-
selves, whenever in discourse we make mention of
liberty and property, shake their heads, and tell us that
"Ireland is a depending kingdom;" as if they would
seem by this phrase to intend that the people of Ire-
land are in some state of slavery or dependence diffe-
rent from those of England; whereas a depending
kingdom is a modern term of art, unknown, as I have
heard, to all ancient civilians and writers upon govern-
ment; and Ireland is, on the contrary, called in some
statutes "an imperial crown," as held only from God;
which is as high a style as any kingdom is capable of
receiving. Therefore, by this expression, "a depend-
ing kingdom," there is no more to be understood than
that, by a statute made here in the 33rd year of Henry
VIII., the king and his successors are to be kings
imperial of this realm, as united and knit to the
imperial crown of England. I have looked over all
the English and Irish statutes without finding any law
that makes Ireland depend upon England, any more
than England does upon Ireland. We have indeed
obliged ourselves to have the same king with them;
and consequently they are obliged to have the same
king with us. For the law was made by our own
parliament; and our ancestors then were not such
fools (whatever they were in the preceding reign) to
bring themselves under I know not what dependence,
which is now talked of without any ground of law,
reason, or common sense.
Let whoever thinks otherwise, I, M.B., drapier,
desire to be excepted; for I declare, next under God,
I depend only on the king my sovereign and on the
THE DRAPIER'S FOURTH LETTER
223
laws of my own country. And I am so far from
depending upon the people of England, that if they
should ever rebel against my sovereign (which God
forbid !) I would be ready, at the first command from
his majesty, to take arms against them, as some of my
countrymen did against theirs at Preston. And if
such a rebellion should prove so successful as to fix
the Pretender on the throne of England, I would
venture to transgress that statute so far as to lose every
drop of my blood to hinder him from being king of
Ireland.
It is true, indeed, that within the memory of man
the parliaments of England have sometimes assumed
the power of binding this kingdom by laws enacted
there; wherein they were at first openly opposed (as
far as truth, reason, and justice, are capable of op-
posing) by the famous Mr. Molyneux, an English gen-
tleman born here, as well as by several of the greatest
patriots and best Whigs in England; but the love and
torrent of power prevailed. Indeed the arguments on
both sides were invincible. For in reason, all govern-
ment without the consent of the governed is the very
definition of slavery; but in fact, eleven men well
armed will certainly subdue one single man in his
shirt. But I have done; for those who have used
power to cramp liberty have gone so far as to resent
even the liberty of complaining; although a man upon
the rack was never known to be refused the liberty of
roaring as loud as he thought fit.
And as we are apt to sink too much under unreason-
able fears, so we are too soon inclined to be raised by
groundless hopes, according to the nature of all con-
sumptive bodies like ours. Thus it has been given
224
TRACTS ON IRELAND
about for several days past that somebody in England
empowered a second somebody to write to a third
somebody here to assure us that we should no more be
troubled with these halfpence. And this is reported
to have been done by the same person who is said to
have sworn some months ago "that he would ram
them down our throats," though I doubt they would
stick in our stomachs; but whichever of these reports
be true or false, it is no concern of ours. For in this
point we have nothing to do with English ministers, and
I should be sorry to leave it in their power to redress
this grievance or to enforce it, for the report of the
committee has given me a surfeit. The remedy is
wholly in your own hands, and therefore I have
digressed a little in order to refresh and continue that
spirit so seasonably raised among you, and to let you
see that, by the laws of GOD, of NATURE, of NATIONS,
and of your COUNTRY, you ARE and OUGHT to be as
FREE a people as your brethren in England.
If the pamphlets published at London by Wood and
his journeymen, in defence of his cause, were reprinted
here, and our countrymen could be persuaded to read
them, they would convince you of his wicked design
more than all I shall ever be able to say. In short, I
make him a perfect saint in comparison of what he ap-
pears to be from the writings of those whom he hires
to justify his project. But he is so far master of the
field (let others guess the reason) that no London
printer dare publish any paper written in favour of
Ireland; and here, nobody as yet has been so bold as
to publish anything in favour of him.
There was a few days ago a pamphlet sent me of
near fifty pages, written in favour of Mr. Wood and
THE DRAPIER'S FOURTH LETTER
225
his coinage, printed in London: it is not worth answer-
ing, because probably it will never be published here.
But it gave me occasion to reflect upon an unhappiness
we lie under, that the people of England are utterly
ignorant of our case; which however is no wonder,
since it is a point they do not in the least concern
themselves about, further than perhaps as a subject
of discourse in a coffee-house when they have nothing
else to talk of. For I have reason to believe that no
minister ever gave himself the trouble of reading
any papers written in our defence, because I suppose
their opinions are already determined, and are formed
wholly upon the reports of Wood and his accomplices;
else it would be impossible that any man could have
the impudence to write such a pamphlet as I have
mentioned.
Our neighbours, whose understandings are just upon
a level with ours (which perhaps are none of the bright-
est), have a strong contempt for most nations, but espe-
cially for Ireland. They look upon us as a sort of
savage Irish whom our ancestors conquered several
hundred years ago.
And if I should describe the
Britons to you as they were in Caesar's time, when they
painted their bodies or clothed themselves with the
skins of beasts, I should act full as reasonably as they
do. However, they are so far to be excused in relation
to the present subject, that hearing only one side of the
cause, and having neither opportunity nor curiosity to
examine the other, they believe a lie merely for their
ease; and conclude, because Mr. Wood pretends to
power, he has also reason on his side..
But although our arguments are not suffered to be
printed in England, yet the consequence will be of little
Q
•
226
TRACTS ON IRELAND
moment. Let Wood endeavour to persuade the people
there that we ought to receive his coin; and let me
convince our people here that they ought to reject it,
under pain of our utter undoing; and then let him do
his best and his worst.
Before I conclude, I must beg leave in all humility
to tell Mr. Wood, that he is guilty of great indiscretion,
by causing so honourable a name as that of Mr. Wal-
pole to be mentioned so often and in such a manner
upon this occasion. A short paper printed at Bristol,
and reprinted here, reports Mr. Wood to say,
"that he
wonders at the impudence and insolence of the Irish in
refusing his coin, and what he will do when Mr. Wal-
pole comes to town."
Where, by the way, he is mis-
taken; for it is the true English people of Ireland who
refuse it, although we take it for granted that the Irish
will do so too whenever they are asked. In another
printed paper of his contriving, it is roundly expressed,
"that Mr. Walpole will cram his brass down our
throats." Sometimes it is given out "that we must
either take those halfpence or eat our brogues:" and in
another Newsletter, but of yesterday, we read,
"that
the same great man has sworn to make us swallow his
coin in fireballs."
This brings to my mind the known story of a Scotch-
man, who, receiving the sentence of death with all the
circumstances of hanging, beheading, quartering, em-
bowelling, and the like, cried out, "What need all this
cookery ?" And I think we have reason to ask the
same question; for if we believe Wood, here is a din-
ner getting ready for us, and you see the bill of fare;
and I am sorry the drink was forgot, which might easily
be supplied with melted lead and flaming pitch.
THE DRAPIER'S FOURTH LETTER 227
What vile words are these to put into the mouth of
a great counsellor, in high trust with his majesty and
looked upon as a prime-minister! If Mr. Wood has no
better a manner of representing his patrons, when I
come to be a great man he shall never be suffered to at-
tend at my levee. This is not the style of a great mi-
nister; it savours too much of the kettle and the furnace,
and came entirely out of Wood's forge.
As for the threat of making us eat our brogues, we
need not be in pain; for if his coin should pass, that
unpolite covering for the feet would no longer be a
national reproach; because then we should have neither
shoe nor brogue left in the kingdom. But here the false-
hood of Mr. Wood is fairly detected; for I am confi-
dent Mr. Walpole never heard of a brogue in his whole
life.
As to "swallowing these halfpence in fire-balls," it is
a story equally improbable. For to execute this opera-
tion, the whole stock of Mr. Wood's coin and metal
must be melted down, and moulded into hollow balls
with wild-fire, no bigger than a reasonable throat may
be able to swallow. Now, the metal he has prepared,
and already coined, will amount to at least fifty millions
of halfpence, to be swallowed by a million and a half
of people so that, allowing two halfpence to each ball,
there will be about seventeen balls of wild-fire a-piece
to be swallowed by every person in the kingdom; and
to administer this dose, there cannot be conveniently
fewer than fifty thousand operators, allowing one ope-
rator to every thirty; which, considering the squea-
mishness of some stomachs, and the peevishness of
young children, is but reasonable. Now, under cor-
rection of better judgments, I think the trouble and
228
TRACTS ON IRELAND
charge of such an experiment would exceed the profit ;
and therefore I take this report to be spurious, or at
least only a new scheme of Mr. Wood himself; which,
to make it pass the better in Ireland, he would father
upon a minister of state.
But I will now demonstrate beyond all contradiction,
that Mr. Walpole is against this project of Mr. Wood
and is an entire friend to Ireland, only by this one in-
vincible argument; that he has the universal opinion of
being a wise man, an able minister, and in all his pro-
ceedings pursuing the true interest of the king his mas-
and that as his integrity is above all corruption,
so is his fortune above all temptation. I reckon, there-
fore, we are perfectly safe from that corner, and shall
never be under the necessity of contending with so for-
midable a power, but be left to possess our brogues and
potatoes in peace, as remote from thunder as we are
from Jupiter.
ter;
I am, my dear countrymen, your loving fellow-sub-
ject, fellow-sufferer, and humble servant, M. B.
A MODEST PROPOSAL
FOR PREVENTING THE CHILDREN OF POOR PEOPLE
IN IRELAND FROM BEING A BURDEN TO THEIR
PARENTS OR COUNTRY, AND FOR MAKING THEM
BENEFICIAL TO THE PUBLIC
It is a melancholy object to those who walk through
this great town, or travel in the country, when
they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors,
crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by
three, four, or six children, all in rags, and impor-
tuning every passenger for an alms. These mothers,
instead of being able to work for their honest liveli
hood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling
to beg sustenance for their helpless infants; who, as
they grow up, either turn thieves for want of work, or
leave their dear native country to fight for the Pre-
tender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbadoes.
I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious
number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at
the heels, of their mothers, and frequently of their
fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the king-
dom a very great additional grievance; and therefore
whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method
of making these children sound useful members of the
commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public
230
TRACTS ON IRELAND
as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the
nation.
But my intention is very far from being confined to
provide only for the children of professed beggars; it
is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the
whole number of infants at a certain age who are born
of parents in effect as little able to support them as
those who demand our charity in the streets.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for
many years upon this important subject, and maturely
weighed the several schemes of our projectors, I have
always found them grossly mistaken in their com
putation. It is true, a child just dropped from its
dam may be supported by her milk for a solar year,
with little other nourishment; at most not above the
value of 25., which the mother may certainly get, or
the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of beg-
ging; and it is exactly at one year old that I propose
to provide for them in such a manner as, instead of
being a charge upon their parents or the parish, or
wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives,
they shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding,
and partly to the clothing, of many thousands.
There is likewise another great advantage in my
scheme; that it will prevent that horrid practice of
women murdering their children, alas, too frequent
among us, sacrificing the poor innocent babes,
I doubt, more to avoid the expense than the shame;
which would move tears and pity in the most savage
and inhuman breast.
The number of souls in this kingdom being usually
reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate
there may be about 200,000 couple whose wives are
A MODEST PROPOSAL
231
breeders; from which number I subtract 30,000
couple who are able to maintain their own children,
although I apprehend there cannot be so many,
under the present distresses of the kingdom; but
this being granted, there will remain 170,000 breeders.
I again subtract 50,000 for those whose children
die by accident or disease within the year. There
only remain 120,000 children of poor parents an-
nually born. The question therefore is, how this
number shall be reared and provided for? which,
as I have already said, under the present situation of
affairs is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto
proposed. For we can neither employ them in handi-
craft nor agriculture; we neither build houses (I mean
in the country) nor cultivate land; they can very
seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing, till they arrive
at six years old, except where they are of towardly
parts; although I confess they learn the rudiments
much earlier; during which time they can, however,
be properly looked upon only as probationers; as I
have been informed by a principal gentleman in the
county of Cavan, who protested to me that he never
knew above one or two instances under the age of six,
even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the
quickest proficiency in that art.
I am assured by our merchants that a boy or a girl
before twelve years old is no saleable commodity; and
even when they come to this age they will not yield
above £3, or £3 2s. 6d. at most, on the Exchange;
which cannot turn to account either to the parents or
kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having
been at least four times that value.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own
232
TRACTS ON IRELAND
thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least
objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing American
of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy
child, well nursed, is at a year old a most delicious;
nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed,
roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that
it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.
I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration
that of the 120,000 children already computed, 20,000
may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth
part to be males; which is more than we allow to
sheep, black cattle, or swine. That the remaining
100,000 may, at a year old, be offered in sale to the
persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom;
always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully
in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat
for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an
entertainment for friends; and when the family dines
alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable
dish, and, seasoned with a little pepper or salt, will
be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in
winter.
I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just
born will weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if
tolerably nursed, will increase to 28 pounds.
I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and there-
fore very proper for landlords, who, as they have al-
ready devoured most of the parents, seem to have the
best title to the children.
Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year,
but more plentifully in March, and a little before and
after for we are told by a grave author, an eminent
A MODEST PROPOSAL
233
French physician, that, fish being a prolific diet, there
are more children born in Roman Catholic countries
about nine months after Lent than at any other season;
therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets
will be more glutted than usual, because the number
of popish infants is at least three to one in this king-
dom and therefore it will have one other collateral
advantage, by lessening the number of papists among
us.
I have already computed the charge of nursing a
beggar's child (in which list I reckon all cottagers,
labourers, and four-fifths of the farmers) to be about
25. per annum, rags included; and I believe no gentle-
man would repine to give 10s. for the carcase of a good
fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes
of excellent nutritive meat, when he has only some
particular friend or his own family to dine with him.
Thus the squire will learn to be a good landlord, and
grow popular among his tenants; the mother will have
8s. net profit, and be fit for work till she produces
another child.
Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the
times require) may flay the carcase; the skin of which,
artificially dressed, will make admirable gloves for
ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.
As to our city of Dublin, shambles may be
appointed for this purpose in the most convenient
parts of it, and butchers, we may be assured, will not
be wanting; although I rather recommend buying
the children alive than dressing them hot from the
knife as we do roasting pigs.
A very worthy person, a true lover of his country,
and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased,
234
TRACTS ON IRELAND
in discoursing on this matter, to offer a refinement
upon my scheme. He said that many gentlemen of
this kingdom having of late destroyed their deer, he
conceived that the want of venison might be well sup-
plied by the bodies of young lads and maidens, not
exceeding fourteen years of age, nor under twelve; so
great a number of both sexes in every country being
now ready to starve for want of work and service; and
these to be disposed of by their parents if alive, or
otherwise by their nearest relations. But, with due
deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a
patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for
as to the males, my American acquaintance assured
me, from frequent experience, that their flesh was
generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys,
by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable ;
and to fatten them would not answer the charge:
and besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous
people might be apt to censure such a practice,
(although indeed very unjustly,) as a little bordering
upon cruelty; which, I confess, has always been with
me the strongest objection against any project, how
well soever intended.
But, in order to justify my friend, he confessed that
this expedient was put into his head by the famous
Psalmanazar, a native of the island Formosa, who
came thence to London above twenty years ago, and
in conversation told my friend that in his country,
when any young person happened to be put to death,
the executioner sold the carcase to persons of quality
as a prime dainty; and that in his time the body of a
plump girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an attempt
to poison the emperor, was sold to his imperial
A MODEST PROPOSAL
235
majesty's prime minister of state and other great
mandarins of the court, in joints from the gibbet,
at 400 crowns. Neither, indeed, can I deny that if the
same use were made of several plump young girls in this
town, who, without one single groat to their fortunes,
cannot stir abroad without a chair, and appear at play-
house and assemblies in foreign fineries which they
never will pay for, the kingdom would not be the worse.
Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great
concern about that vast number of poor people who
are aged, diseased, or maimed; and I have been
desired to employ my thoughts what course may be
taken to ease the nation of so grievous an encumbrance.
But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because
it is very well known that they are every day dying
and rotting by cold and famine, and filth and vermin,
as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as to the
young labourers, they are now in almost as hopeful a
condition; they cannot get work, and consequently
pine away for want of nourishment, to a degree that if
at any time they are accidentally hired to common
labour, they have not strength to perform it; and thus
the country and themselves are happily delivered from
the evils to come.
I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return
to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal
which I have made are obvious and many, as well as
of the highest importance.
For, first, as I have already observed, it would
greatly lessen the number of papists, with whom we
are yearly overrun, being the principal breeders of the
nation, as well as our most dangerous enemies; and
who stay at home on purpose to deliver the kingdom to
236
TRACTS ON IRELAND
the Pretender, hoping to take their advantage by the
absence of so many good protestants, who have chosen
rather to leave their country than stay at home and
pay tithes against their conscience to an episcopal
curate.
Secondly, The poorer tenants will have something
valuable of their own, which by law may be made
liable to distress, and help to pay their landlord's rent ;
their corn and cattle being already seized, and money
a thing unknown.
Thirdly, Whereas the maintenance of 100,000
children, from two years old and upward, cannot be
computed at less than 10s. a-piece per annum, the
nation's stock will be thereby increased £50,000 per
annum, besides the profit of a new dish introduced to
the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom
who have any refinement in taste.
And the money
will circulate among ourselves, the goods being entirely
of our own growth and manufacture.
Fourthly, The constant breeders, beside the gain of
8s. sterling per annum by the sale of their children,
will be rid of the charge of maintaining them after the
first year.
Fifthly, This food would likewise bring great custom
to taverns; where the vintners will certainly be so
prudent as to procure the best receipts for dressing it
to perfection, and consequently have their houses.
frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly value
themselves upon their knowledge in good eating:
and a skilful cook, who understands how to oblige his
guests, will contrive to make it as expensive as they
please.
Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to
A MODEST PROPOSAL
237
marriage, which all wise nations have either en-
couraged by rewards, or enforced by laws and
penalties. It would increase the care and tenderness
of mothers towards their children, when they were sure
of a settlement for life to the poor babes, provided in
some sort by the public, to their annual profit or
expense. We should see an honest emulation among
the married women, which of them could bring the
fattest child to the market.
Many other advantages might be enumerated. For
instance, the addition of some thousand carcases in our
exportation of barreled beef, the propagation of swine's
flesh, and improvement in the art of making good
bacon, so much wanted among us by the great de-
struction of pigs, too frequent at our table; which are
in no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a
well grown, fat, yearling child, which, roasted whole,
will make a considerable figure at a lord mayor's feast
or any other public entertainment. But this and many
others I omit, being studious of brevity.
Supposing that 1000 families in this city would be
constant customers for infant's flesh, beside others who
might have it at merry-meetings, particularly at wed-
dings and christenings, I compute that Dublin would
take off annually about 20,000 carcases; and the rest
of the kingdom (where probably they will be sold
somewhat cheaper) the remaining 80,000.
I can think of no one objection that will possibly be
raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged
that the number of people will be thereby much.
lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, and it
was indeed one principal design in offering it to the
world. I desire the reader will observe, that I calcu-
238
TRACTS ON IRELAND
late my remedy for this one individual kingdom of
Ireland, and for no other that ever was, is, or I think
ever can be, upon earth. Therefore let no man talk
to me of other expedients: of taxing our absentees at
5s. a pound; of using neither clothes nor household
furniture except what is of our own growth and manu-
facture;
of utterly rejecting the materials and instru-
ments that promote foreign luxury; of curing the
expensiveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and gaming,
in our women; of introducing a vein of parsimony,
prudence, and temperance; of learning to love our
country, in the want of which we differ even from
Laplanders and the inhabitants of Topinamboo; of
quitting our animosities and factions, nor acting any
longer like the Jews, who were murdering one another
at the very moment their city was taken; of being a
little cautious not to sell our country and conscience for
nothing; of teaching landlords to have at least one
degree of mercy toward their tenants; lastly, of putting
a spirit of honesty, industry, and skill into our shop-
keepers; who, if a resolution could now be taken to
buy only our native goods, would immediately unite to
cheat and exact upon us in the price, the measure, and
the goodness, nor could ever yet be brought to make
one fair proposal of just dealing, though often and
earnestly invited to it.
Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of
these and the like expedients, till he has at least
some glimpse of hope that there will be ever some
hearty and sincere attempt to put them in practice.
But as to myself, having been wearied out for many
years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and
at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell
A MODEST PROPOSAL
239
upon this proposal; which, as it is wholly new, so it
has something solid and real, of no expense and little
trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can
incur no danger in disobliging England. For this
kind of commodity will not bear exportation, the flesh
being of too tender a consistence to admit a long con-
tinuance in salt; although perhaps I could name a
country which would be glad to eat up our whole
nation without it.
After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own
opinion, as to reject any offer, proposed by vise men,
which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy,
and effectual. But before something of that kind shall
be advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offer-
ing a better, I desire the author or authors will be
pleased naturally to consider two points. First, as
things now stand, how they will be able to find food
and raiment for 100,000 useless mouths and backs.
And secondly, there being a round million of creatures
in human figure throughout this kingdom, whose whole
subsistence put into a common stock would leave them
in debt £2,000,000 sterling, adding those who are
beggars by profession to the bulk of farmers, cottagers,
and labourers, with the wives and children, who are
beggars in effect: I desire those politicians who dis-
like my overture, and may perhaps be so bold as to
attempt an answer, that they will first ask the parents
of these mortals, whether they would not at this day
think it a great happiness to have been sold for food
at a year old in the manner I prescribe, and thereby
have avoided such a perpetual scene of misfortunes as
they have since gone through by the oppression of
landlords, the impossibility of paying rent without
240
TRACTS ON IRELAND
money or trade, the want of common sustenance, with
neither house nor clothes to cover them from the in-
clemencies of the weather, and the most inevitable
prospect of entailing the like or greater miseries upon
their breed for ever.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have
not the least personal interest in endeavouring to
promote this necessary work; having no other motive
than the public good of my country, by advancing our
trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and
giving some pleasure to the rich.
COMPLETE COLLECTION OF
GENTEEL AND INGENIOUS
CONVERSATION,
AND
ACCORDING TO THE MOST POLITE MODE
METHOD, NOW USED AT COURT, AND IN THE
BEST COMPANIES OF ENGLAND.
IN THREE
DIALOGUES. BY SIMON WAGSTAFF, ESQ.
R
"I am got eight miles from our famous metropolis to a country
parson's, to whom I gave a city living such as an English
chaplain would leap at. I retired thither for the public
good, having two great works in hand; one to reduce the
whole politeness, wit, humour, and style of England into a
short system for the use of all persons of quality, and particu-
larly the maids of honour...." Swift to Gay and the Duchess
of Queensberry, Aug. 28, 1731. Swift presented the manu-
script to Mrs. Barber,-"one of four poetesses in this town,
and all citizens' wives; but she has the vogue of being the
best," who was then in great poverty, to make what she
could by its publication (1738). The first half of the Intro-
duction, and part of the first Dialogue, sufficiently explain
this caricature of the "small talk" of the day.
POLITE CONVERSATION.
INTRODUCTION
A $
S my life has been chiefly spent in consulting the
honour and welfare of my country for more than
forty years past, not without answerable success, if the
world and my friends have not flattered me, so there
is no point wherein I have so much laboured as that of
improving and polishing all parts of conversation be-
tween persons of quality, whether they meet by accident
or invitation, at meals, tea, or visits, mornings, noon,
or evenings.
I have passed perhaps more time than any other
man of my age and country in visits and assemblies,
where the polite persons of both sexes distinguish
themselves; and could not without much grief observe
how frequently both gentlemen and ladies are at a loss
for questions, answers, replies, and rejoinders. How-
ever, my concern was much abated when I found
that these defects were not occasioned by any want of
materials, but because those materials were not in every
hand for instance, one lady can give an answer better
than ask a question: one gentleman is happy at a
reply; another excels in a rejoinder: one can revive
a languishing conversation by a sudden surprising
sentence; another is more dexterous in seconding; a
third can fill up the gap with laughing, or commending
244
POLITE CONVERSATION
what has been said: thus fresh hints may be started,
and the ball of the discourse kept up.
But, alas! this is too seldom the case, even in the
most select companies. How often do we see at court,
at public visiting days, at great men's levees, and
other places of general meeting, that the conversation
falls and drops to nothing, like a fire without supply
of fuel! This is what we all ought to lament; and
against this dangerous evil I take upon me to affirm,
that I have in the following papers provided an infal-
lible remedy.
It was in the year 1695, and the sixth of his late
majesty king William III., of ever-glorious and im-
mortal memory, who rescued three kingdoms from
popery and slavery, when, being about the age of six-
and-thirty, my judgment mature, of good reputation in
the world, and well acquainted with the best families
in town, I determined to spend five mornings, to dine
four times, pass three afternoons, and six evenings
every week in the house of the most polite families, of
which I would confine myself to fifty; only changing
as the masters or ladies died, or left the town, or grew
out of vogue or sunk in their fortunes, or (which to me
was of the highest moment) became disaffected to the
government; which practice I have followed ever since
to this very day; except when I happened to be sick,
or in the spleen upon cloudy weather; and except when
I entertained four of each sex at my own lodgings
once in a month, by way of retaliation.
I always kept a large table-book in my pocket; and
as soon as I left the company I immediately entered
the choicest expressions that passed during the visit :
which, returning home, I transcribed in a fair hand,
POLITE CONVERSATION
245
but somewhat enlarged; and had made the greatest
part of my collection in twelve years, but not digested
into any method, for this I found was a work of infinite
labour, and what required the nicest judgment, and
consequently could not be brought to any degree of
perfection in less than sixteen years more.
Herein I resolved to exceed the advice of Horace, a
Roman poet, which I have read in Mr. Creech's
admirable translation, that an author should keep his
works nine years in his closet before he ventured to
publish them: and, finding that I still received some
additional flowers of wit and language, although in a
very small number, I determined to defer the pub-
lication, to pursue my design, and exhaust (if possible)
the whole subject, that I might present a complete
system to the world: for I am convinced, by long ex-
perience, that the critics will be as severe as their old
envy against me can make them: I foresee they will
object, that I have inserted many answers and replies,
which are neither witty, humorous, polite, nor
authentic, and have omitted others that would have
been highly useful, as well as entertaining. But let
them come to particulars, and I will boldly engage to
confute their malice.
:
For these last six or seven years I have not been
able to add above nine valuable sentences to enrich my
collection from whence I conclude that what remains
will amount only to a trifle. However, if, after the
publication of this work, any lady or gentleman, when
they have read it, shall find the least thing of import-
ance omitted, I desire they will please to supply my
defects by communicating to me their discoveries; and
their letters may be directed to Simon Wagstaff, esq.,
246
POLITE CONVERSATION
at his lodgings next door to the Gloucester-head in St.
James's street, paying the postage. In return of which
favour, I shall make honourable mention of their names
in a short preface to the second edition.
In the mean time, I cannot but with some pride and
much pleasure congratulate with my dear country,
which has outdone all the nations of Europe, in ad-
vancing the whole art of conversation to the greatest
height it is capable of reaching; and, therefore, being
entirely convinced that the collection I now offer to the
public is full and complete, I may at the same time
boldly affirm that the whole genius, humour, politeness,
and eloquence of England are summed up in it; nor is
the treasure small, wherein are to be found at least
a thousand shining questions, answers, repartees,
replies, and rejoinders, fitted to adorn every kind of
discourse that an assembly of English ladies and gentle-
men, met together for their mutual entertainment, can
possibly want especially when the several flowers
shall be set off and improved by the speakers, with
every circumstance of preface and circumlocution, in
proper terms, and attended with praise, laughter, or
admiration.
There is a natural involuntary distortion of the
muscles, which is the anatomical cause of laughter:
but there is another cause of laughter, which decency
requires, and is the undoubted mark of a good taste,
as well as of a polite obliging behaviour; neither is
this to be acquired without much observation, long
practice, and sound judgment; I did therefore once
intend, for the ease of the learner, to set down, in all
parts of the following dialogues, certain marks, asterisks,
or nota benes (in English, mark-wells) after most
POLITE CONVERSATION
247
questions, and every reply or answer; directing exactly
the moment when one, two, or all the company are to
laugh: but, having duly considered that this expedient
would too much enlarge the bulk of the volume, and
consequently the price, and likewise that something
ought to be left for ingenious readers to find out, I
have determined to leave that whole affair, although
of great importance, to their own discretion.
The reader must learn by all means to distinguish
between proverbs and those polite speeches which
beautify conversation; for, as to the former, I utterly
reject them out of all ingenious discourse. I acknow-
ledge, indeed, that there may possibly be found in this
treatise a few sayings, among so great a number of
smart turns of wit and humour as I have produced,
which have a proverbial air; however, I hope it will
be considered that even these were not originally
proverbs, but the genuine productions of superior wits,
to embellish and support conversation; whence, with
great impropriety as well as plagiarism, (if you will
forgive a hard word,) they have most injuriously been
transferred into proverbial maxims; and therefore, in
justice, ought to be resumed out of vulgar hands, to
adorn the drawing-rooms of princes both male and
female, the levees of great ministers, as well as the
toilet and tea-table of the ladies.
I can faithfully assure the reader that there is not
one single witty phrase in this whole collection which
has not received the stamp and approbation of at least
one hundred years, and how much longer it is hard to
determine; he may therefore be secure to find them all
genuine, sterling, and authentic.
But, before this elaborate treatise can become of uni-
248
POLITE CONVERSATION
versal use and ornament to my native country, two
points, that will require much time and much appli-
cation, are absolutely necessary.
For, first, whatever person would aspire to be com-
pletely witty, smart, humorous, and polite, must, by
hard labour, be able to retain in his memory every
single sentence contained in this work, so as never to
be once at a loss in applying the right answers,
questions, repartees, and the like, immediately, and
without study or hesitation.
ensue.
And, secondly, after a lady or gentleman has so well
overcome this difficulty as never to be at a loss upon
any emergency, the true management of every feature,
and almost every limb, is equally necessary; without
which an infinite number of absurdities will inevitably
For instance, there is hardly a polite sentence
in the following dialogues which does not absolutely
require some peculiar graceful motion in the eyes, or
nose, or mouth, or forehead, or chin, or suitable toss of
the head, with certain offices assigned to each hand ;
and in ladies, the whole exercise of the fan, fitted to
the energy of every word they deliver; by no means.
omitting the various turns and cadence of the voice,
the twistings, and movements, and different postures of
the body, the several kinds and gradations of laughter,
which the ladies must daily practise by the looking-
glass, and consult upon them with their waiting-maids.
My readers will soon observe what a great compass
of real and useful knowledge this science includes;
wherein, although nature, assisted by genius, may be
very instrumental, yet a strong memory and constant
application, together with example and precept, will be
highly necessary.
POLITE CONVERSATION
249
POLITE CONVERSATION.
DIALOGUE I.
The Men.
Lord SPARKISH.
Lord SMART.
Sir JOHN LINger.
Mr. NEVERout.
Colonel ATWIT.
The Ladies.
Lady SMART.
Miss NOTAble,
Lady ANSWErall.
Lord Sparkish and Colonel Atwit meet in the morning upon
the Mall: Mr. Neverout joins them: they all go to break-
fast at lady Smart's. Their conversation over their tea.
ST. JAMES'S PARK.
LORD SPARKISH meeting COL. ATWIT.
Col. WELL met, my lord.
Spark. Thank ye, colonel. A parson would have
said, I hope we shall meet in heaven.
When did you
see Tom Neverout?
Talk of the
Col. He's just coming toward us.
devil-
NEVEROUT comes up.
Col. How do you do, Tom?
Never. Never the better for you.
Col. I hope you are never the worse: but pray
where's your manners? Don't you see my lord
Sparkish?
250
POLITE CONVERSATION
Never. My lord, I beg your lordship's pardon.
Spark. Tom, how is it that you can't see the wood
for trees? What wind blew you hither?
Never. Why, my lord, it is an ill wind blows no-
body good; for it gives me the honour of seeing your
lordship.
Col. Tom, you must go with us to lady Smart's to
breakfast.
Never. Must! why, colonel, must's for the king.
[Col. offering, in jest, to draw his sword.
Col. Have you spoke with all your friends?
Never. Colonel, as you are stout be merciful.
Spark. Come, agree, agree; the law's costly.
[Col. taking his hand from his hilt.
Col. Well, Tom, you are never the worse man to
be afraid of me. Come along.
Never. What do you think I was born in a wood,
to be afraid of an owl? I'll wait on you. I hope
Miss Notable will be there; 'egad, she's very hand-
some, and has wit at will.
Col. Why, every one as they like, as the good
woman said when she kiss'd her cow.
LORD SMART's House: they knock at the door; the
Porter comes out.
Spark. Pray are you the porter?
Porter. Yes, for want of a better.
Spark. Is your lady at home?
Porter. She was at home just now, but she's not
gone out yet.
Never. I warrant this rogue's tongue is well hung.
POLITE CONVERSATION
251
LADY SMART's Ante-chamber.
LADY SMART and LADY ANSWERALL at the Tea-table.
Lady S. My lord, your lordship's most humble
servant.
Spark. Madam, you spoke too late; I was your
ladyship's before.
Lady S. Oh! colonel, are you here?
Col. As sure as you're there, madam.
Lady S. O, Mr. Neverout! What, such a man
alive!
Never. Ay, madam, alive, and alive like to be, at
your ladyship's service.
Lady S. Well, I'll get a knife, and nick it down,
that Mr. Neverout came to our house. And pray,
what news, Mr. Neverout?
Never. Why, madam, queen Elizabeth's dead.
Lady S. Well, Mr. Neverout, I see you are no
changeling.
MISS NOTABLE comes in.
Never. Miss, your slave: I hope your early rising
will do you no harm. I find you are but just come
out of the cloth market.
Miss. I always rise at eleven, whether it be day or
not.
Col. Miss, I hope you are up for all day.
Miss. Yes, if I don't get a fall before night.
Col. Miss, I heard you were out of order; pray how
are you now?
Miss. Pretty well, colonel, I thank you.
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POLITE CONVERSATION
Col. Pretty and well, miss! that's two very good
things.
Miss. I mean I am better than I was.
Never. Why then 'tis well you were sick.
Miss. What! Mr. Neverout, you take me up before
I'm down.
Lady S. Come, let us leave off children's play, and
go to push-pin.
Miss. [To lady S.] Pray, madam, give me some
more sugar to my tea.
Col. O! miss, you must needs be very good humour'd,
you love sweet things so well.
Never. Stir it up with the spoon, miss; for the
deeper the sweeter.
Lady S. I assure you, miss, the colonel has made
you a great compliment.
Miss. I am sorry for it; for I have heard say, com-
plimenting is lying.
Lady S. [To Lord Sparkish.] My lord, methinks the
sight of you is good for sore eyes; if we had known of
your coming, we should have strewn rushes for you:
how has your lordship done this long time?
Col. Faith, madam, he's better in health than in
good conditions.
Spark. Well, I see there's no worse friend than one
brings from home with one; and I am not the first
man has carried a rod to whip himself.
Never. Here's poor miss has not a word to throw at
a dog. Come, a penny for your thought.
Miss. It is not worth a farthing; for I was thinking
of you.
POLITE CONVERSATION
253
COLONEL rising up.
Lady S. Colonel, where are you going so soon? I
hope you did not come to fetch fire.
Col. Madam, I must needs go home for half an
hour.
Miss. Why, colonel, they say the devil's at home.
Lady A. Well, but sit while you stay, 'tis as cheap
sitting as standing.
Col. No, madam, while I'm standing, I'm going.
Miss. Nay, let him go; I promise him we won't
tear his clothes to hold him.
Lady S. I suppose, colonel, we keep you from
better company, I mean only as to myself.
Col. Madam, I am all obedience. [Colonel sits down.
Lady S. Lord, miss, how can you drink your tea so
hot? sure your mouth's pav'd. How do you like this
tea, colonel?
Col. Well enough, madam; but methinks it is a
little more-ish.
Lady S. O colonel, I understand you.-Betty,
bring the cannister. I have but very little of this
tea left; but I don't love to make two wants of one;
want when I have it, and want when I have it not.
He, he, he, he !
[Laughs.
Lady A. [To the maid.] Why, sure, Betty, you are
bewitched; the cream is burnt too.
Betty. Why, madam, the bishop has set his foot in
it.
Lady S. Go, run, girl, and warm some fresh cream.
Betty. Indeed, madam, there's none left; for the cat
has eaten it all.
Lady S. I doubt it was a cat with two legs.
254
POLITE CONVERSATION
Miss. Colonel, don't you love bread and butter with
your tea?
Col. Yes, in a morning, miss; for they say, butter
is gold in a morning, silver at noon, but it is lead at
night.
Never. Miss, the weather is so hot that my butter
melts on my bread.
Lady A. Why, butter, I've heard 'em say, is mad
twice a-year.
Spark. To the maid.] Mrs. Betty, how does your
body politic?
Col. Fie, my lord, you'll make Mrs. Betty blush.
Lady S. Blush! ay, blush like a blue dog.
Never. Pray, Mrs. Betty, are you not Tom Johnson's
daughter?
Betty. So my mother tells me, sir.
Spark. But, Mrs. Betty, I hear you are in love.
Betty. My lord, I thank God I hate nobody; I am
in charity with all the world.
Lady S. Why, wench, I think thy tongue runs upon
wheels this morning. How came you by that scratch
upon your nose? Have you been fighting with the cats?
Col. [To Miss.] Miss, when will you be married?
Miss. One of these odd-come-shortly's, colonel.
Never. Yes; they say the match is half made; the
spark is willing but miss is not.
Miss. I suppose the gentleman has got his own con-
sent for it.
Lady A. Pray my lord, did you walk through the
Park in the rain?
Spark. Yes, madam, we were neither sugar nor salt;
we were not afraid the rain would melt us. He, he,
he!
[Laughs.
POLITE CONVERSATION
255
Col. It rained, and the sun shone at the same time.
Never. Why, then the devil was beating his wife
behind the door with a shoulder of mutton. [Laughs.
Col. A blind man would be glad to see that.
Lady S. Mr. Neverout, methinks you stand in your
own light.
Never. Ah! madam, I have done so all my life.
Spark. I'm sure he sits in mine. Pr'ythee, Tom, sit
a little farther; I believe your father was no glazier.
Lady S. Miss, dear girl, fill me out a dish of tea, for
I'm very lazy.
Miss fills a dish of tea, sweetens it, and then tastes it.
Lady S. What, miss, will you be my taster?
Miss. No, madam; but they say 'tis an ill cook that
can't lick her own fingers.
Never. Pray, miss, fill me another.
Miss. Will you have it now, or stay till you get it?
Lady A. But, colonel, they say you went to court
last night very drunk; nay, I'm told for certain, you
had been among the Philistines: no wonder the cat
wink'd, when both her eyes were out.
Col. Indeed, madam, that's a lie.
Lady A. 'Tis better I should lie than you should
lose your good manners: besides, I don't lie; I sit.
Never. O faith, colonel, you must own you had a
drop in your eye; when I left you, you were half seas
over.
Spark. Well, I fear lady Answerall can't live long,
she has so much wit.
Never. No; she can't live, that's certain; but she
may linger thirty or forty years.
256
POLITE CONVERSATION
Miss. Live long! ay, longer than a cat or a dog, or
a better thing.
Lady A. O! miss, you must give your vardi too!
Spark. Miss, shall I fill you another dish of tea?
Miss. Indeed, my lord, I have drank enough.
Spark. Come, it will do you more good than a
month's fasting; here, take it.
Miss. No, I thank your lordship; enough's as good
as a feast.
Spark. Well; but if you always say no, you'll never
be married.
Lady A. Do, my lord, give her a dish; for they say
maids will say no, and take it.
Spark. Well; and I dare say miss is a maid, in
thought, word, and deed.
Never. I would not take my oath of that.
Miss. Pray, sir, speak for yourself.
Lady S. Fie, miss; they say maids should be seen
and not heard.
Lady A. Good miss, stir the fire, that the tea-kettle
may boil.-You have done it very well: now it burns
purely. Well, miss, you'll have a cheerful husband.
Miss. Indeed, your ladyship could have stirred it
much better.
Lady A. I know that very well, hussy; but I won't
keep a dog and bark myself.
Never. What! you are stuck, miss.
Miss. Not at all; for her ladyship meant you.
Never. O faith, miss, you are in Lob's pound; get
out as you can.
Miss. I won't quarrel with my bread and butter for
all that; I know when I'm well.
Lady A. Well; but, miss-
S
POLITE CONVERSATION
257
Never. Ah! dear madam, let the matter fall; take
pity on poor miss; don't throw water on a drowned
rat.
Miss. Indeed, Mr. Neverout, you should be cut for
the simples this morning; say a word more and you
had as good eat your nails.
Spark. Pray, miss, will you be so good as to favour
us with a song?
Miss. Indeed, my lord, I can't; for I have a great
cold.
Col. O miss, they say all good singers have colds.
Spark. Pray, madam, does not miss sing very
well?
Lady A. She sings, as one may say, my lord.
Miss. I hear Mr. Neverout has a very good voice.
Col. Yes, Tom sings well, but his luck's naught.
Never. Faith, colonel, you hit yourself a devilish
box on the ear.
Col. Miss, will you take a pinch of snuff?
Miss. No, colonel, you must know that I never take
snuff but when I am angry.
Lady A. Yes, yes, she can take snuff, but she has
never a box to put it in.
Miss. Pray, colonel, let me see that box.
Col. Madam, there's never a C upon it.
Miss. Maybe there is, colonel.
Col. Ay, but May bees don't fly now, miss.
Never. Colonel, why so hard upon poor miss?
Miss, give me a
Don't set your wit against a child.
blow, and I'll beat him.
Miss. So she prayed me to tell you.
Spark. Pray, my lady Smart, what kin are you to
lord Pozz ?
S
258
POLITE CONVERSATION
!
Lady S. Why, his grandmother and mine had four
elbows.
Lady A. Well, methinks here's a silent meeting.
Come, miss, hold up your head, girl; there's money
bid for you.
[Miss starts.
Miss. Lord, madam, you frighten me out of my
seven senses !
Spark. Well, I must be going.
Lady A. I have seen hastier people than you stay
all night.
Col. [To lady Smart.] Tom Neverout and I are to
leap to-morrow for a guinea.
Miss. I believe, colonel, Mr. Neverout can leap at a
crust better than you.
Never. Miss, your tongue runs before your wit:
nothing can tame you but a husband.
Miss. Peace! I think I hear the church-clock.
Never. Why, you know, as the fool thinks-
Lady S. Mr. Neverout, your handkerchief's fallen.
Miss. Let him set his foot on it, that it mayn't fly
in his face.
Never. Well, miss-
Miss. Ay, ay; many a one says well that thinks
ill.
Never. Well, miss, I'll think on this.
Miss. That's rhyme, if you take it in time.
Never. What! I see you are a poet.
Miss. Yes, if I had but the wit to show it.
Never. Miss, will you be so kind as to fill me a dish
of tea?
Miss. Pray let your betters be served before you;
I'm just going to fill one for myself; and, you know,
the parson always christens his own child first.
POLITE CONVERSATION
259
Never. But I saw you fill one just now for the
colonel: well, I find kissing goes by favour.
Miss. But pray, Mr. Neverout, what lady was that
you were talking with in the side-box last Tuesday?
Never. Miss, can you keep a secret?
Miss. Yes, I can.
Never. Well, miss, and so can I.
Col. Odd-so! I have cut my thumb with this cursed
knife!
Lady A. Ay; that was your mother's fault, because
she only warned you not to cut your fingers.
Lady S. No, no; 'tis only fools cut their fingers,
but wise folks cut their thumbs.
Miss. I'm sorry for it, but I can't cry.
Col. Don't you think miss is grown ?
Lady A. Ay, ill weeds grow apace.
A puff of smoke comes down the chimney.
Lady A. Lord, madam, does your ladyship's chim-
ney smoke?
Col. No, madam; but they say smoke always pur-
sues the fair, and your ladyship sat nearest.
Lady S. Madam, do you love bohea tea?
Lady A. Why, madam, I must confess I do love it,
but it does not love me.
Miss. [To lady Smart.] Indeed, madam, your lady-
ship is very sparing of your tea; I protest, the last I
took was no more than water bewitch'd.
Col. Pray, miss, if I may be so bold, what lover gave
you that fine etui ?
Miss. Don't you know?-then keep counsel.
Lady A. I'll tell you, colonel, who gave it her: it
was the best lover she will ever have while she lives-
her own dear papa.
S
260
POLITE CONVERSATION
Never. Methinks, miss, I don't much like the colour
of that ribbon.
Miss. Why, then, Mr. Neverout, do you see, if you
don't much like it, you may look off it.
Spark. I don't doubt, madam, but your ladyship has
heard that sir John Brisk has got an employment at
court.
Lady S. Yes, yes; and I warrant he thinks himself
no small fool now.
Never. Yes, madam; I have heard some people take
him for a wise man.
Lady S. Ay, ay; some are wise, and some are
otherwise.
Lady A. Do you know him, Mr. Neverout ?
Never. Know him! ay, as well as the beggar knows
his dish.
Col. Well, I can only say that he has better luck
than honester folks. But, pray, how came he to get
his employment?
Spark. Why, by chance, as the man killed the devil.
Never. Why, miss, you are in a brown study: what's
the matter? Methinks you look like Mumchance, that
twas hanged for saying nothing.
Miss. I'd have you to know, I scorn your words.
Never. Well, but scornful dogs will eat dirty pud-
dings.
Miss. Well, my comfort is, your tongue is no slander.
What! you would not have one be always on the high
grin?
Never. Cry mapsticks, madam; no offence, I hope.
NOTES
NOTES
THE text adopted for these selections is Scott's 2nd edition,
as reprinted by Messrs. Bickers, 1883-4. It is the standard
text, though by no means what a perfect text of Swift should be.
The 1841 2-volume edition, which was apparently based upon
an independent collation of the original editions, has, however,
been compared ; and, in cases of discrepancy, reference has been
made to the first, or best, editions of the several works. The
spelling and punctuation have been reduced to the modern
system, except when (as in phrensy and a few other words) the
present spelling is manifestly wrong. Objectionable words,
phrases, and paragraphs, have invariably been expunged. When
a whole paragraph or several sentences have been omitted, a
statement to that effect is given in the notes, and the place of
omission is generally indicated by dots .; but when the
omission consists only of a single word, or a short phrase, no
indication is given that anything has been left out: it was felt
that in such cases dots would only interrupt the reading and
suggest the nature of the words expunged. Footnotes and
marginal references to classical authors are also omitted, as
immaterial and distracting the attention. Such principles would
of course be inapplicable to a critical edition of the works of
Swift: but, in a volume of selections, the main object is to avoid
everything that interferes with the clear understanding of the
writer's meaning, and that distracts the reader from the due
appreciation of the style. For the notes, besides the usual
sources, valuable suggestions have been made by Dr. Richard
Garnett, Mr. John Ashton, Mr. J. Dykes Campbell, and by
Mr. Sidney J. Low, who has contributed some of the notes on
the political situation described in the Examiners and the
Conduct of the Allies.
•
264
NOTES
THE TALE OF A TUB.
The origin of the title has been frequently debated, but beyond
the fact that it was a proverbial phrase, employed by Sir Thomas
More and others to denote any rambling and incoherent story,
much as "a cock and bull story" is used now, very little has
been elicited as to its origin. The attempt to trace the ex-
pression to an incident in Apuleius reproduced by Boccaccio
(7th Day) seems a trifle far-fetched. The meaning is tolerably
clearly conveyed in the lines of Bale's Comedye Concernynge
Thre Lawes, 1538:-
Ye saye thy folowe your lawe
And varye not a strawe
Whych is a tale of a tubbe.
Page 7.
A large Cloud. Cp. Antony and Cleopatra, Act
iv. Sc. 12 :-
Ant. Sometime we see a cloud that's dragonish :
A vapour, sometime, like a bear, or lion,
A tower'd citadel, a pendent rock,
A forked mountain, or blue promontory
With trees upon 't, that nod unto the world,
And mock our eyes with air:
That which is now a horse, even with a thought
The rack dislimns, and makes it indistinct
As water is in water.
•
•
Page 8. Durfey or "D'Urfey," says Scott, "who stood the
force of so much wit, was a playwright and song-writer. He
appears to have been an inoffensive, good-humoured, thought-
less character, and was endured and laughed at by Dryden, by
Steele, . and at length by Pope, who, in a spirit between con-
tempt and charity, wrote a prologue for his last play," which
includes these lines :-
•
He scorn'd to borrow from the wits of yore,
But ever writ, as none e'er writ before
•
•
NOTES
265
Though plays for honour in old time he made,
'Tis now for better reasons, --to be paid.
Believe him, he has known the world too long,
And seen the death of much immortal song.
Dennis was a trenchant critic and an inferior poet of the day,
whose attacks upon Pope and upon Addison's Cato induced
the former to retaliate in a pamphlet called "The Narrative
of Dr. Robert Norris concerning the strange and deplorable
Frenzy of Mr. John Dennis ;" and Dennis's tragedy of Appius is
alluded to by the same poet in the Essay on Criticism :—
But Appius reddens at each word you speak,
And stares, tremendous, with a threatening eye,
Like some fierce tyrant in old tapestry.
Page 8. The friend of your governor is Sir William Temple,
Swift's patron, with whom Bentley and Wotton were then con-
tending in the debate as to the respective merits of ancient and
modern writers.
Page 9.
The many volumes referred to are the well-known
classical editions prepared for the use of the Dauphin, in usum
Delphini.
By ladders are here meant gallows.
Page 12.
Page 13.
Dunton was a broken-down bookseller who pub-
lished his Life and Errors, wherein he described every book-
seller, printer, and stationer in London, together with the cha-
racters of seventeen bookbinders. He did not, however, draw
up the collection of gallows orations suggested in the text.
The stage itinerant is the mountebank's platform, which
leads, according to Swift, either to the conventicle or the
gallows.
Page 15.
Rotten wood: i.e., the fanatic preacher must possess
inward light and a head full of maggots; and the two fates of
his works are to be burnt or worm-eaten.
Hiatus in MS. A device of Swift to avoid a long disqui-
sition, especially when it was a case of proving a paradox.
So on p. 36 he puts Hic multa desiderantur, "here much is
wanting;" on p. 55, Hic pauca desunt, "here a little is gone,
etc. Carlyle's Sartor Resartus contains examples of a similar
device.
"
Page 16. Gresham College was then the meeting place of
266
NOTES
1
the Royal Society, and Will's coffee house in Covent Garden
was the favourite rendezvous of the poets and wits of the day.
Page 17.
"A smaller affair-viz., about moving the earth."
(Swift's note.)
[are], inserted for grammar's sake. Swift was often careless
in trifles like this, and several other examples occur in the present
selection : e.g., on pp. 34, 165.
Briguing: Fr. briguer; "to canvass, solicit."
Husks. A couple of lines are here omitted; and also the list
of the masterpieces of Grub Street which concludes the Intro-
duction, in which Dryden, L'Estrange, Wotton, and others, are
held up to ridicule.
Page 19. Exantlation: i.e. extraction: Lat. exantlare or
exanclare.
Page 20. The Egyptian Cercopithecus: this long-tailed
monkey is, by the classical authors generally, associated with
the worship of the ancient Egyptians. Everyone remembers
Juvenal's lines, (xv. 4,)
Effigies sacri nitet aurea cercopitheci
Dimidio magicae resonant ubi Memnone chordae
Atque vetus Thebe centum jacet obruta portis.
Martial is also familiar with the animal, (xiv. 302,)
Si mihi cauda foret, cercopithecus eram.
and Pliny describes, among the monsters of Aethiopia (viii. 72,
ed. Sillig), "cercopithecos, nigris capitibus, pilo asini, et dissi-
milis ceteris voce.” Cuvier's note on this passage (in Didot's
edition, 1827) is very remarkable: "non desunt in India simiae
quibus longior cauda, pilus leucophaeus, facies nigra; quales
entellus et malbrouk (simia faunus)." The name of "Mal-
brouk," or Marlborough, must have been given to this variety of
ape during the great war of the Spanish succession, and Swift
may have heard of it, as he did hear most things. Beyond the
fact that Swift was a Whig and Marlborough a Tory at the time
of the writing of the Tale of a Tub, there is indeed no reason
for supposing that Swift entertained at that early date the strong
antipathy he afterwards felt for the great general: but it is at
least a curious and hitherto unnoticed coincidence that the lice-
eating long-tailed monkey of the Tub should have been known
by the name of Malbrouk.
NOTES
207
Water-tabby: anything water-marked or wavy was so called,
as watered silk, moiré antique, etc.; derived, through the Fr.
tabis and the Ital. tabi, from the Persian 'ottāby, a striped and
watered cotton-silk, made at Baghdad.
Page 24. I am first sculler. The watermen of the Thames
were divided into two classes; oars, i.e. pair-oars, and scullers,
i.e. single rowers, and the latter were paid at half the rate of
the former. The point of Swift's waterman's speech appears to
be that the brothers could not expect a first-class boat, but must
put up with a cheap sculler.
Page 25. The satire upon the schoolmen's methods of inter-
preting Scripture is rendered the more obvious by the use of
their technical terms, such as ex traduce, “by original deriva-
tion," totidem verbis, "in so many words," &c., and by abbrevia-
tions such as Q. V. C., i.e. quibusdam veteribus codicibus, “in
some ancient manuscripts."
Page 29.
Between arithmetic and What remains an ob-
jectionable paragraph has been excised.
Page 32. After fruitful, more than two pages of Scott's
edition have been omitted, in which Swift instances the evil
effects of vapour in the wars of Henry IV. and Louis XIV. of
France in a manner that will not bear citation.
Page 33. clinamina : inclinations or tendencies.
10,
Page 34. Cicero. The quotation is from Ep. ad Divers, vii.
Trebatio; and the allusion as to the hackney coachmen refers
to Trebatius' timid avoidance of the British war-chariots, in a
subsequent letter (16).
Page 41. [ecclesiastical] was represented by asterisks in the
early editions.
Ecce cornuta erat ejus facies: referring to the Vulgate version
of Ex. xxxiv. 29, 35 : [C The skin of his face shone.”
THE BATTLE OF THE Books.
BOOKS.
See note below, p. 272.
Page 51. The large castle, boast of mathematics, and the
palisadoes and modern way of fortification, are allusions to
some of the arguments used to prove the superiority of the
moderns in the controversy which Swift satirizes.
268
NOTES
Page 53. Regent, i.e. Richard Bentley, the Royal Librarian,
and greatest scholar of the day, who had disputed the antiquity
of the fables ascribed to Æsop, and had altogether refuted
Temple's assumption of the antiquity of the spurious Epistles of
Phalaris. He is consequently held up to special (and of course
unmerited) ridicule, and is described as the Thersites of the
army of the moderns in the battle, where he was useful "for his
talent of railing."
Page 55. The wounded aga. Dr. Harvey, whose discovery
of the circulation of the blood was questioned by Temple.
The asterisks are intended in mock-generosity to screen the
names of the vanquished.
Page 56. Gondibert, a heroic poem by Sir W. Davenant.
Sir John Denham, the author of Cooper's Hill, the inequality
of whose poems is alluded to. S. Wesley, "a wretched scribbler,"
who did the life of Christ into verse. Perrault and Fontenelle,
two of the French writers who began the futile discussion on
the relative merits of old and modern books.
Page 57. Called him father, an allusion to Dryden's some-
what ambitious view of his own relationship to Virgil. Swift
entertained an unreasonable dislike of “Glorious John," perhaps
because Dryden had expressed an unflattering opinion of Swift's
early Pindarics: "Cousin Swift, you will never be a poet.
»
Page 58. Esculapius turned off the point, because Black-
more's skill as a physician made amends for his weakness as a
poet. Swift was curiously indulgent to Blackmore, whose poetic
vein was none of the purest. The following lines from Verses
to be placed under the Picture of England's Arch-Poet, con-
tained in the Miscellanies of Pope, Arbuthnot, and Gay, 1727,
express the current opinion of Blackmore's productions :-
K
See who ne'er was or will be half-read,
Who first sung Arthur, then sung Alfred,
Maul'd Human Wit in one thick satire,
Next in three books sunk Human Nature;
Undid Creation at a jerk,
And of Redemption made d—d work ;
Then took his muse at once and dipp'd her
Full in the middle of the Scripture;
What wonders there the man grown old did!
Sternhold himself he out-Sternholded.
•
NOTES
269
Creech, a clergyman, translated Lucretius and Horace.
Afra the Amazon: Mrs. Afra Behn.
Page 59. Shield given him by Venus: Cowley's poem "The
Mistress," which Swift seems to have preferred to his Pindarics.
It is noteworthy, as Scott has remarked, that Swift entirely
ignores Milton among the moderns, and that no dramatists take
part in the combat.
Neglected quarter, i.e. the little known, and spurious Epistles
of Phalaris. The long-drawn similes here are admirable imi-
tations of the Virgilian manner.
Page 64. Mother, i.e. the goddess Criticism, a "malignant
deity," with claws like a cat and the ears and voice of an ass,
who lay "extended upon the spoils of numberless volumes,"
surrounded by her parents and children, Ignorance and Pride,
Noise and Impudence, Dulness and Vanity, Positiveness and
Pedantry.
Page 65. Boyle entered the controversy out of respect for
Temple, clad in armour of the gods, because supported by
Aldrich, Atterbury, and the rest of the Christ Church scholars,
in his edition of Phalaris new polished and gilt.
ARGUMENT AGAINST ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY.
This treatise, as Mr. Garnett has discovered, was reprinted in
1765, without Swift's name, with many mutilations, and under
the title of Modest Address to the Wicked Authors of the
Present Age, by H. F. (Peter Annet); but a footnote, in
which he expresses his dissent from "the Dean," shows that
this worthy field-preacher did not intend to appropriate the
authorship himself.
Page 72. Between profound judgment and upon a thorough
examination, appears in the original a redundant who.
Page 73. Asgil, Toland, Tindal, and Coward, were leaders
of the deistical writers of the time. Swift devoted several trea-
tises, notably the Remarks on Tindal's Rights of the Christian
Church, and the Abstract of Mr. Collins's Discourse, to the
refutation of a school that was peculiarly obnoxious to him
as a sound churchman.
270
NOTES
Page 74. Empson and Dudley: the well-known extortionate
lawyers of Henry VII.'s reign.
Page 77. Margaritians, Toftians, and Valentinians: after
the names of three famous opera singers of the day, Mrs. Tofts,
first of prime donne, Francisca Margherita de l'Epine, who
married the well-known musician Dr. Pepusch, and the alto
Valentino Urbini. The Italian opera was then not long in-
troduced to England. Among the performances was that of
Camilla, in 1707, "to be sung after the Italian manner. The
parts of Latinus by Mr. Turner, Prenesto by Signiora Mar-
garita, part in Italian, Turnus by Signior Valentino, in Italian,
Metius by Mr. Ramondon, Linco by Mr. Leveridge, Camilla by
Mrs. Tofts, Lavinia by the Baroness, most in Italian, Tullia by
Mrs. Lindsey."-Daily Courant, Dec. 6, 1707; Ashton's Social
Life in the Reign of Queen Anne, ii. 29.
Swift himself had no taste for the Italian opera, or for music
generally. "We have a music meeting in our town to-night,"
he writes to Stella. "I went to a rehearsal of it, and there was
Margarita and her sister, with another drab, and a parcel of
fiddlers; I was weary, and would not go to the meeting."
Daggled-tail, and not draggled, is the correct
Page 81.
orthography.
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS.
In Lilliput and Brobdingnag Swift satirizes the government
of England of the day, with its "violent faction at home and
the danger of invasion from abroad" (p. 108), and many of the
allusions are to contemporary events and persons. In the present
selection, however, passages consisting mainly of such temporary
and particular allusions have been avoided as far as possible,
and those which apply almost to any society or government at
any time have been preferred. Such passages call for little
explanation; the point of the humour is for the most part visible
enough; but among the allusions that have a special application
it may be well to remark that the high and low heels (p. 109)
represent the high and low church parties, between which the
heir to the Crown, George II., is seen to hobble; that the Big-
endians and Little-endians (p. 110) stood originally for Papists
NOTES
271
and Protestants, though they would apply quite as well to any
two sects that differed in points of detail; and that Blefuscu
(p. 111) was intended for France.
In an interesting paper in Notes and Queries, 2nd series,
vol. vi. p. 124, the eminent mathematician, Prof. A. de Morgan,
notices the skill with which Swift has concealed the elementary
nature of his calculations: the Lilliputian being to man as i to
12, and man to the Brobdingnagian as 1 to 12. Once this is
perceived, all the dimensions in the two voyages are obvious.
But Swift takes peculiar care that the proportion should not be
so evident at first sight. He describes the miniature men as
"not six inches high," which does not necessarily suggest that
an average man is "not six feet high." So in Brobdingnag, the
farmer's stride is measured at "about ten yards, as near as I
could guess," when the proportion to the human stride of
1 yard, or 30 inches, is not immediately perceived. Yet the
relative size is accurately maintained throughout. The hedges
are 120 feet high, i.c. 10 feet; the corn 40 feet, i.e. 3 feet, 4 inches;
the step of the stile 6 feet, i.e. 6 inches, etc. Even in cubic
contents Swift keeps carefully to his scale. The largest Lilli-
putian hogshead holds only half-a-pint: pint X 12 X 12 X 12
1,728 half pints, or 108 gallons, which is the cubit con-
tents of a butt of ale, which is probably what Swift meant by the
largest hogshead." Prof. de Morgan thinks that the only
instance in which Swift has overshot the mark is when he makes
Gulliver, up to his neck in water, drag by a rope fifty line-of-
battle ships, which had held 30,000 men. This is equivalent to
drawing 12ths of a line-of-battle ship of Swift's own time,
which would be a somewhat heavy pull for a man up to his neck
in water. This mathematical investigation of Gulliver is, of
course, immaterial to the point of the satire: but it is interesting
to see how carefully Swift worked out his theory. Prof. de
Morgan believed that he must have been assisted by some
mathematician, Arbuthnot for instance: but this view is hardly
borne out by the blunders which Swift made in the voyage to
Laputa, which was specially directed against the Royal Society
and scientific men generally. Prof. de Morgan was, however,
somewhat hypercritical in objecting to the tailor's taking
Gulliver's altitude by a quadrant, on the ground that such an
observation would obtain an angle and not a linear measure;
and it is surely carrying criticism too far to denounce Swift for
带着
​50
272
NOTES
serving up mutton in two dimensions, and cutting bread into
parallelograms, which are plain superficies, as well as into cubical
figures, such as cones and cylinders.
Page 115. Brobdingnag. It is curious that, though this name,
according to Swift's own preface, is a misprint for Brobdingrag,
which is much more pronounceable, the correct spelling has never
been restored. He would, however, be a bold critic who would
attempt to change it now. The arrival in Brobdingnag is, in
the original, prefaced by the famous description of the storm, of
which Scott remarks that it is "a parody upon the account of
storms and naval manœuvres, frequent in old voyages, and is
merely an assemblage of sea-terms, put together at random, but
in such accurate imitation of the technicalities of the art, that
seamen have been known to work hard to attain the proper
meaning of it." So far is this from being true, that the descrip-
tion in question is a perfectly accurate account of the ordinary
seaman's practice of the time, and is taken (as Mr. Knowles
first pointed out in N. and Q., iv. i. 223), word for word from a
seaman's handbook, Sturmy's Compleat Mariner, as anyone
may see by consulting the 3rd edition, published in 1684, in the
British Museum. All that Swift has done is to turn the present
tense into the narrative past, and to omit some immaterial words
and sentences. The identity of the two descriptions is beyond
dispute; and there is nothing blameworthy in Swift's adapting
the phraseology of a current technical handbook. But as the
storm can no longer be regarded as peculiarly illustrative of his
powers of description, the passage in question, celebrated as it
is, has been omitted in the present selection. This is one of the
very few cases in which Swift has been proved to have directly
copied another writer. That he was indebted for many of his
ideas to previous authors, notably to Rabelais, is beyond ques-
tion; and the plan of the Battle of the Books is undoubtedly
identical with that of F. de Callière's Histoire poétique de la
guerre nouvellement declarée entre les anciens et modernes,
Paris, 1688, though, as Swift protested he had never heard of
the book, the resemblance must be only a coincidence. So, too,
the notion of giants and dwarfs was certainly no original idea ;
the fancy had been retouched so lately as 1675, though with
little skill, in Joshua Barnes's Gerania; or, a new discovery of a
little sort of people, anciently discoursed of, called Pygmies ;
while a still more probable source for the bare notion of big and
NOTES
273
little people may have been (as was lately pointed out in the
Athenæum, 1884, 536, 567) Martello's puppet play, Lo Starnuto
d'Ercole, which was published at Bologna in 1723, and written
some six years earlier.
earlier. But in these and other parallel instances,
Swift may indeed have obtained a hint which he worked up in
his masterpieces, but it was only a hint. The consistent elabo-
ration of the idea, the wealth of illustration, the perfect apposi-
tion of the satire, are his alone. As Johnson said of him,
writer can easily be found that has borrowed so little.”
'
no
Page 134. The institution of flappers is of course meant to
ridicule the proverbial absence of mind of philosophers, and was
probably suggested by the current anecdotes, true or false, of
Sir Isaac Newton's peculiarities. The Laputa voyage is, how-
ever, the least successful part of the satire, and Swift seems
himself to have spent more pains in improving it than he
devoted to the other voyages, if we may judge from his manu-
script corrections and additions contained in a copy of the first
edition of Gulliver, which he gave to his friend Charles Ford,
who in turn communicated the corrections to the publisher.
This copy is now in the Forster Library, in the South Kensing-
ton Museum, and a careful collation I have made shows that
most of these corrections, which occur mainly in the Laputa
voyage, were inserted in subsequent editions. A few unimportant
alterations appear to have escaped notice, or more probably were
rejected on a second revision, to which the appearance of several
corrections not marked in Ford's copy bears testimony. The
only addition of any length in Ford's copy that has not been in-
serted in any edition occurs just before the final short paragraph
of Chapter III. of Laputa, at the end of the description of the
Flying Island. As an unpublished addition to Gulliver the
passage possesses some interest, and it is therefore printed below
(with the original spelling and punctuation, but neglecting typo-
graphical peculiarities), though, on its merits, its final rejection
is not perhaps inexcusable.
AN UNPUBLISHED ADDITION TO LAPUTA.
ABOUT three years before my arrival among them, while the
king was in his progress over his dominions, there happened an
extraordinary accident which had like to have put a period to the
T
274
NOTES
fate of that monarchy, at least as it is now instituted. Lindalino
the second city in the kingdom was the first his majesty visited
in his progress. Three days after his departure, the inhabitants
who had often complained of great oppressions, shut the town
gates, seized on the governor, and with incredible speed and
labour erected four large towers, one at every corner of the city
(which is an exact square), equal in heigth (sic) to a strong
pointed rock that stands directly in the center of the city. Upon
the top of each tower, as well as upon the rock, they fixed a great
loadstone, and in case their design should fail, they had pro-
vided a vast quantity of the most combustible fewel, hoping
to burst therewith the adamantine bottom of the island if the
loadstone project should miscarry.
It was eight months before the king had perfect notice that the
Lindalinians were in rebellion. He then commanded that the
island should be wafted over the city. The people were unani-
mous, and had laid in store of provisions, and a great river runs
through the middle of the town. The king hovered over them
several days to deprive them of the sun and the rain. He ordered
many packthreads to be let down, yet not a person offered to
send up a petition, but instead thereof, very bold demands, the
redress of all their greivances (sic), great immunitys, the choice of
their own governor, and other the like exorbitances. Upon which
his majesty commanded all the inhabitants of the island to cast
great stones from the lower gallery into the town; but the
citizens had provided against this mischief by conveying their
persons and effects into the four towers, and other strong build-
ings, and vaults under ground.
The king being now determined to reduce this proud people,
ordered that the island should descend gently within fourty
yards of the top of the towers and rock. This was accordingly
done; but the officers employed in that work found the descent
much speedier than usual, and by turning the loadstone could
not without great difficulty keep it in a firm position, but found
the island inclining to fall. They sent the king immediate in-
telligence of this astonishing event, and begged his majesty's
permission to raise the island higher; the king consented, a
general council was called, and the officers of the loadstone
ordered to attend. One of the oldest and expertest among them
obtained leave to try an experiment. He took a strong line of
an hundred yards, and the island being raised over the town
NOTES
275
above the attracting power they had felt, he fastened a piece of
adamant to the end of his line, which had in it a mixture of iron
mineral, of the same nature with that whereof the bottom or
lower surface of the island is composed, and from the lower
gallery let it down slowly towards the top of the towers. The
adamant was not descended four yards, before the officer felt it
drawn so strongly downwards, that he could hardly pull it back.
He then threw down several small pieces of adamant, and
observed that they were all violently attracted by the top of the
tower. The same experiment was made on the other three
towers and on the rock, with the same effect.
This incident broke entirely the king's measures and (to dwell
no longer on other circumstances) he was forced to give the town
their own conditions.
I was assured by a great minister, that if the island had
descended so near the town as not to be able to raise it self, the
citizens were determined to fix it for ever, to kill the king and all
his servants, and entirely change the government.
ENGLISH POLITICAL TRACTS.
Page 163. The Examiner, No. 15. The numbering of the
Examiners here adopted is that of the original single sheets.
In all texts of Swift, however, No. 14 appears as 13, and all the
subsequent numbers are shifted one back. The reason is that
when the Examiners were republished in 1712 in 12m0,, No. 13,
the paper immediately preceding Swift's first contribution,
containing a strenuous plea for non-resistance, was omitted.
Swift's first Examiner was No. 14, and his last No. 46: or, in
the later numbering, 13-45. There seems no good reason for
following a numbering which is not that of the original publica-
tion.-No. 15 is directed against the Earl of Wharton (a certain
great man, p. 167), who was lord-lieutenant of Ireland from Oct.
1708 to Oct. 1710; to which post graceful allusion is made on
p. 164, where the devil is described as having been viceroy of a
great western province. Swift had personal reasons for disliking
Wharton, but the flagrant profligacy and venality of the viceroy's
character and government amply justified the undying con-
tempt and hatred which inspired Swift's repeated onslaughts.
276
NOTES
Page 166. Wooden shoes: alluding to the French sympathies
of which the Tories, your best friends, were accused.
Page 168. Such counsel: alluding to the Whigs, monied men,
dissenters, the war, and the national debt. The funded debt,
which began in 1692 with £1,200,000 borrowed at ten per cent.
by the Whig Montague had grown to fifty millions by the time
of the treaty of Utrecht: and this indebtedness was a ground of
serious alarm to Swift and the Tories.
Others who... were only able to give reputation and success
to the Revolution: i.e. noblemen, who, like Danby and Notting-
ham, without embracing Whig principles, made the Revolution
possible by their aid.
Page 169. This mighty change refers to the case of Dr. Sache-
verell, put on his trial by the Whigs in 1710, for preaching non-
resistance, which produced a Tory reaction, and the fall of the
Whigs in the same year.
Page 170.
Violences of either party. Swift, though a party
man, was no mere partisan. "Whoever," he wrote in the
Sentiments of a Church of England Man, "has a true value for
Church and State would be sure to avoid the extremes of Whig
for the sake of the former, and the extremes of Tory on account
of the latter."
Page 171.
The Examiner, No. 16. The Review was Defoe's
weekly paper, and the Observator was conducted by another
Whig, John Tutchin, a former adherent of Monmouth, whom
Jeffreys ordered to be flogged through some of the western towns.
Pope alludes to his punishment in the well-known lines,
"Earless on high stood unabashed De Foe,
And Tutchin flagrant from the scourge below."
The non-juror was the Rev. Charles Lesley, an Irish non-juring
clergyman, who promulgated Jacobite opinions in the Rehearsal.
He also wrote numerous tracts against the Deists, whence Swift's
respect and esteem.
The following account of the weekly papers of the year is
taken from a pamphlet, ascribed by some to Gay, entitled, The
Present State of Wit, and printed in 1711. Swift mentions it
in the Journal to Stella, May 14, 1711, and says he thinks
"Steele and Addison were privy to the printing of it.”
"As to our weekly papers, the poor Review is quite ex-
hausted, and grown so very contemptible, that though he has
NOTES
277
C
provoked all his brothers of the quill round, none of them will
enter into controversy with him. This fellow, who had excel-
lent natural parts, but wanted a small foundation of learning, is
a lively instance of those wits, who, as an ingenious author
says, will endure but one skimming.' The Observator was
almost in the same condition; but since our party struggles
have run so high, he is much mended for the better; which is
imputed to the charitable assistance of some outlying friends.
These two authors might, however, have flourished some time
longer, had not the controversy been taken up by much abler
hands. The Examiner is a paper which all men, who speak
without prejudice, allow to be well written. Though his subject
will admit of no greater variety, he is continually placing it in
so many different lights, and endeavouring to inculcate the
same thing by so many beautiful changes of expression, that
men who are concerned in no party may read him with pleasure.
His way of assuming the question in debate is extremely artful;
and his letter to Crassus is, I think, a masterpiece. As these.
papers are supposed to have been written by several different
hands, the critics will tell you that they can discern a difference
in their styles and beauties, and pretend to observe, that the
first Examiners abound chiefly in wit, the last in humour.
Soon after their first appearance, came out a paper, from the
other side, called the Whig Examiner, written with so much
fire and in so excellent a style, as put the Tories in no small
pain for their favourite hero. Every one cried Bickerstaff must
be the author; and people were the more confirmed in this
opinion upon its being so soon laid down, which seemed to
show that it was only written to bind the Examiners to their
good behaviour, and was never designed to be a weekly paper.
The Examiners, therefore, have no one to combat with at
present, but their friend the Medley; the author of which paper,
though he seems to be a man of good sense, and expresses it
luckily enough now and then, is, I think, for the most part,
perfectly a stranger to fine writing. I presume I need not tell
you, that the Examiner carries much the more sale, as it is
supposed to be written by the direction and under the eye of
some great persons who sit at the helm of affairs, and is con-
sequently looked on as a sort of public notice which way they
are steering us. The reputed author is Dr. Swift, with the
assistance sometimes of Dr. Atterbury and Mr. Prior. ... Before
*
278
NOTES
I proceed further in the account of our weekly papers, it will be
necessary to inform you that, at the beginning of the winter, to
the infinite surprise of all men, Mr. Steele flung up his Tatler;
and, instead of Isaac Bickerstaff, subscribed himself Richard
Steele to the last of those papers, after a handsome compliment
to the town for their kind acceptance of his endeavours to
divert them. The expiration of Bickerstaff's lucubrations
was attended with much the same consequences as the death of
Meliboeus's ox in Virgil; as the latter engendered swarms of
bees, the former immediately produced whole swarms of little
satirical scribblers. . . . One cause for the laying down the
Tatler was want of matter; and, indeed, this was the prevailing
opinion in town, when we were surprised all at once by a paper
called the Spectator, which was promised to be continued every
day, and was written in so excellent a style, with so nice a
judgment, and such a noble profusion of wit and humour, that
it was not difficult to determine it could come from no other
hands than those that had penned the lucubrations. . . . The
Spectator, whom we regard as our shelter from that cloud of
false wit and impertinence which was breaking in upon us, is in
every one's hand and a constant topic for our morning conversa-
tion at tea tables and coffee-houses. We had at first, indeed,
no manner of notion how a diurnal paper could be continued in
the spirit and style of our present Spectators; but, to our no
small surprise, we find them still rising upon us, and can only
wonder from whence so prodigious a run of wit and learning can
proceed; since some of our best judges seem to think that they
have hitherto in general outshone even the Squire's first
Tatlers."
• • •
Page 173.
Two great men: Marlborough and Godolphin
came into office as Tories, and became Whigs on the war policy.
Whigs and Tories professed to hold much the same views on the
main questions of constitutional thecry: except the extreme non-
resistance Tories, whom Swift ignores.
Page 174. Half-a-dozen others. Swift probably means that,
accepting the term Whig as it was used at the Revolution, when
it meant a supporter of constitutionalism, the name might be
applied to most of the Tories who came into office in 1710; for
they accepted the Revolution, supported the Act of Settlement,
and discountenanced the theory of kingship by divine right.
Like the Whigs they (nominally at least) considered that Anne
NOTES
279
reigned by a parliamentary title. Among the ministers was the
Duke of Shrewsbury, Lord High Treasurer, who had always
been a prominent Whig.
A
Page 175. The Pretender. The Revolution of 1688 had
been carried out with great unanimity. The bulk of the
nation acquiesced in the step which got rid of a Roman
Catholic sovereign, who was anxious to change the religion
of the English people by French aid.
people by French aid. But the Revolution
brought over a foreign dynasty, and threw the administra-
tion into the hands of a faction which seemed to represent only
one, and that not the most important, interest in the state.
reaction soon took place; a formidable Jacobite party numbering
many of the High Churchmen was in existence throughout
William III.'s reign. With the accession of Anne the Jacobite
cause gained rather than lost. James II. was now dead, and
his son, the Pretender, might claim exemption from the guilt of
his father's sins. No one now thought of dethroning the reigning
sovereign; comparatively few were ready to risk much to
bring back the Stuarts; but at the same time very many people
in England would have gladly acquiesced in the succession of
James Edward on the death of Anne. This the Tory leaders
knew, and some of them were engaged in constant intercourse
with St. Germains, with the more or less definite object of pro-
claiming the Prince on the Queen's death. In fact the whole of
the active Tory party was tainted with the suspicion of Jacobit-
ism; and the suspicion was a strong card in the hands of their
rivals. For the hatred to foreigners and Papists was as keen as
ever among the country gentlemen and landed proprietors on
whom the Tory leaders relied. This Swift knew, and he was
extremely anxious to disclaim the imputation of favouring the
Pretender. In his case the disclaimer was doubtless sincere.
It is probable that to the end he was not made fully acquainted
with the measures by which Bolingbroke was preparing for a
restoration of the Stuarts.
Page 176. Supposed father. It was in many quarters believed
that the Pretender, James Edward, who was born in June, 1688,
was only a suppositious child of James II. and Mary of
Modena.
Piece of secret history, &c. Referring probably to Marl-
borough's and Godolphin's trafficking with James II. after the
Revolution, and in particular their betrayal of the intended
i
289
NOTES
expedition to Brest in 1694, to him. The affair was probably
known to Harley.
Page 176, 28 seq. The title of Anne depended on the Bill of
Rights (1 Will. and Mary, s. 2, cap. 2), which declares "that
William and Mary, Prince and Princess of Orange, be, and be
declared, King and Queen of England, France, and Ireland, and
the dominions thereunto belonging . . . and after their deceases.
the said crown and royal dignity of the said kingdoms and
dominions to be to the heirs of the body of the said Princess
[Mary]; and for default of such issue to the Princess Anne of
Denmark and the heirs of her body."
Page 177. Supreme power. A reminiscence of Hobbes, whose
doctrine of the supremacy of the sovereign power in a state had
no small influence upon the Tory theory of Government.
That settlement, &c. The reference is to the Bill of Rights,
Art. VIII. "Thereunto the said Lords Spiritual and Temporal,
and Commons, do, in the name of all the people aforesaid, most
humbly and faithfully submit themselves, their heirs, and
posterities, for ever.' The words are repeated in the Act of
Settlement, 1700 (12 and 13 Will, iii.).
Page 178. The Conduct of the Allies. The War of the
Spanish Succession was ostensibly entered upon (May, 1702)
by
England, the Netherlands, the Emperor, and the German
Princes, in order to set aside the will of Charles II. of Spain, by
which the whole of the Spanish dominions had been left to Philip
of Anjou, the grandson of Louis XIV. of France. It was rightly
felt that if the resources of both the French and Spanish mon-
archies were at the disposal of the House of Bourbon, England,
Holland, and the minor German princes would no longer be safe
from the ambition of the French king. Hence it was that
William III.and Marlborough strove to bring the Protestant states
to support the counter-claim of the Austrian Archduke Charles
on the Spanish crown. So far, though Swift would not allow it,
the Whigs might urge that they were pursuing a policy necessary
alike to Europe and to England. But the victories of Marl-
borough and Eugene in Flanders and Germany, and the financial
exhaustion of his country, reduced Louis XIV. to the greatest
distress. In 1706, and again in 1709, he made overtures of
peace on terms which should have satisfied the legitimate desires
of the allies. He would have consented to give the Dutch
the "barrier" fortresses of the frontier, including even Lille and
"
NOTES
231
Tournay, and to allow the claims of the Archduke to Spain and her
colonial possessions, only reserving for his grandson the Italian
dominions of the Spanish monarchy. But by this time the Whig
interest in England had become identified with the war policy.
To have made peace might have concentrated public attention or
home politics, and especially on church matters, in which their
rivals were the popular party. Louis' offers were rejected, con-
trary to the advice of Marlborough himself. In 1710 Louis was
in such straits that he made even more favourable proposals.
Besides giving up territory to the Dutch, the Empire, the Duke
of Savoy, and to the English (in North America) he consented
to surrender the whole Spanish monarchy to the Archduke
Charles. But the English ministry, as if determined to drive
him to desperation, imposed on him the intolerably humiliating
condition that he should join with the allies in expelling his
grandson Philip from Spain. To this Louis would not consent,
and the conferences were broken off. After 1710 then, at any
rate, Swift might fairly claim that every justification or excuse
for the war was over. Further in the autumn of 1711 the
Emperor Joseph II. died, and the Archduke Charles succeeded
to the imperial dominions. This put an entirely different aspect
on the matter. Had the allies succeeded in forcing Louis to
submit, and driving Philip V. from Spain, the Spanish and
Austrian territories would have been united un ler one ruler, and
the monarchy of Charles V. would have been restored. Swift
might well urge that it was useless to spend English blood and
treasure to limit the growth of the House of Bourbon, when the
only result would be to aggrandise enormously the House of
Hapsburg.
Page 185. Swift was perfectly right in thinking that the
Spanish Bourbons would speedily forget their French origin.
Within ten years from the date of this pamphlet England and
France are found in alliance against Spain.
PROPOSAL FOR CORRECTING THE English
TONGUE.
Page 193. Swift's ideas of ethnology and the history of lan-
guage are not to be implicitly accepted.
Page 196. Your lordship cite. It is curious to find Swift, a
232
NOTES
clergyman, basing his appreciation of the style of the authorized
version upon Harley's citations, rather than his own experience
in the Offices of the Church.
TRACTS RELATING TO IRELAND.
Tradesmen.
The Swearer's Bank. Page 208.
paragraph is here omitted.
"
The Drapier's Letters. Why Swift used the French form of the
word Draper is not known. A list of bonds relating to the for-
feited estates, dated Dublin, 1690, has the form "linnen-draper.'
Page 210. The Report is the favourable report of the Com-
mittee of the Privy Council on Wood's coinage.
Page 211. The two Irish Houses of Parliament, the Corpora-
tion of Dublin, Grand Juries and guilds, had petitioned against
the new coinage before Swift took the matter up. It is, therefore,
inaccurate to describe him as stirring up the Irish by a factitious
party cry: the people were already roused, and Swift only
guided and strengthened their opposition.
+
•
B
A short
Page 213. Our ancestors. Swift's limited view of the Irish
is here evident: he is mainly concerned for the descendants of
the Englishry, "the true English," (p. 226), and disclaims any
connection with "the savage Irish whom our ancestors con-
quered" (p. 225). The disabilities of the English Irish here
enumerated are more fully described on p. 238.
Page 221. Primate: Dr. Hugh Boulter, of Christ Church,
Oxford, Archbishop of Armagh.
Page 223. Molyneux, a friend of Locke, published a tract
against the oppressive trade laws against Ireland.
Page 225. Side. But. About three pages of Scott's
edition are here omitted, in which Swift gives what he represents
as Wood's and his friends' case according to the English tracts.
Page 227. Kettle and furnace: in allusion to Wood's busi-
ness of ironmonger.
Swallowing the halfpence in fireballs: a fine example of
Swift's method of logical reductio ad absurdum.
Page 228. As remote from thunder: “Procul à Jove, procul
à fulmine."
Modest Proposal. Page 234. Psalmanazar's Description of
NOTES
283
the Island of Formosa, 1705, was an audacious hoax, which the
author eventually retracted.
Page 235. Foreign fineries. Swift was never tired of writing
on this point: urging the people of Ireland to retaliate upon the
atrocious English navigation laws by using only home manu-
factures. His Proposal for the Universal Use of Irish Manu-
factures appeared in 1720, and so alarmed the Government that
they prosecuted the printer: but the Grand Jury brought him
in Not Guilty, and persisted in their verdict until the Chief
Justice had sent them back nine times and kept them eleven
hours, when they gave in so far as to leave the verdict to the
discretion of the judge; and the Government found themselves
compelled to drop so unpopular a case, and entered a nolle
prosequi. The Drapier's Letters frequently refer to the re-
strictions on exportation, and advise a consistent adoption of
home wear.
In Maxims Controlled, and the Short View of the
State of Ireland, both papers of the deepest interest, the same
counsel is repeated in the latter, Swift writes, "Ireland is the
only kingdom I ever heard or read of, either in ancient or
modern story, which was denied the liberty of exporting their
native commodities and manufactures wherever they pleased,
except to countries at war with their own prince or state; yet
this privilege, by the superiority of mere power, is refused us in
the most momentous parts of commerce,-besides an Act of
Navigation, to which we neve consented, pinned down upon us
and rigorously executed." Similar passages occur in many of
Swift's other papers on Ireland, an account of which is given in
Fraser's Magazine for Sept., 1881.
Page 238. Other expedients. This is a list of Swift's remedies
for the wretched condition of Ireland, which shows that he saw
clearly enough into the difficult problem, and also proves that
many of the burdens which still oppress the Irish people were
much more grievous in Swift's time. His remedies are, it may
be noticed, less legislative than moral. He would raise the
spirit and rouse the energy of the Irish to counteract the oppres
sion of England, rather than attempt to cure the evils they
laboured under by new enactments.
284
NOTES
:
POLITE CONVERSATION.
Page 244. Age of six and thirty. As some ingenu ous
reader of the Politc Conversation has been at the trouble of
taking this and similar statemants au pied de la lettre, it may
be well to point out that Swift was not thirty-six in 1695, but
only twenty-seven; and further, that the conversation was not
written or thought of in 1695, but was composed in 1731. The
same interpreter is inclined to accept the hundred years of
p. 247 in an equally exact spirit; where the period is obviously
ironical.
Page 252. Push-pin: probably "spelikans,"-essentially a
children's play.
Page 256. Vardi: par Dieu.-Lob's pound: prison.
Page 259. Etui: the little case, generally of repoussé silver,
attached to a lady's chatelaine, for holding needles and bodkins.
Page 261. Cry mapsticks: This expression has been much
discussed. Some regard it as equivalent to a confession of
humiliation, as though Neverout compared himself to a seller of
mopsticks, or to one who deserves to be beaten with them. I
believe myself that, like many oaths and exclamations of the time,
Mapsticks is a corruption of some Latin or French phrase, and I
incline to Pax tecum as its original. Neverout has been having
a tiff with Miss Notable, and ends it (like a schoolboy's "fax")
with "Cry Mapsticks, [I cry "pax tecum,"] madam! No
offence, I hope."
CHISWICK PRESS:-C. WHITTINGHAM AND CO.
TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE.

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LIBRARY
VERITAS
1837
ARAMARANZAR
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
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OF THE
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GIFT OF
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