(NF THE . rsrºof Michiº SS POETICAL VAGARIES; AND WAGAR IFS WIND I CAT ED; BY GEORGE COLMAN, THE YouNGER. J. M'Creery, Printer, Black-Horse Court, Londou Z-2 /. º 222/3:22, *z 22 POETICAL VAGARIES; CONTAINING: AN opF To WE, A HACKNEY’D CRITICK; LOW AMBITION, OR THE LIFE AND DEATH OF MR, paw. A RECKONING WITH TIME; THE LADY OF THE WRECK, OR, CASTLE BLARNEYGIG; TWO PARSONS, OR THE TALE OF A SHIRT. AND WAG ARIES VIN DICATE D; A POEM, ADDRESSD TO THE REVIEWERS; BY GEORGE COLMAN, THE YouNGER. THE SECOND EDITION of EACH OF THE ABOVE PUBLICATIONs; WHICH ARE, Now, FIRST PRINTED TOGETHER, - * Coharent inter se.” Cicero. -º- #IDIntrºll: - PRINTED FOR LONGMAN, HURST, REES, ORME, AND BROWN, PATERNOSTER-ROW, 1814. & Č ſºº Q // 37 37 / TO ORTH O GRAPHERS. When these Poems were first publish'd, I ven- ture'd to annex to certain words a punctuation contrary to the Fashion of the Press. It relates to the use of the Apostrophe, in Preterits, Parti- ciples, and Adjectives; such as moved, instead of mov’d, dance'd, for danc'd, used, for us'd, &c. &c.” Some Criticks, it seems, have reprobated this attempt; but I have not heard that they have condescended to take the trouble of refuting it; and as it is not, therefore, abandon'd, in the pre- sent edition, this opportunity may serve to explain the motions on which it is founded. Let me premise, however, that, though I re- spect good spelling, I disclaim pedantry;-that, if I have done wrong, my error proceeds from a de- sire to preserve what appears to me a requisite limb of Orthography; not from a rage for trick- ing out it's body with coxcombical appendages;– * If it be worth while to refer, it will be found that this punctuation is more uniformly observe'd in the last Poem than the first, wi TO ORTHOGRAPHERS, and, that, by the following desultory observations, I only aim at inducing my Superiors to settle my Doubt; not at writing a treatise, dogmatically to contend for a System. The learned Bishop Lowth, in common with his brother grammarians, informs us, that, “In English both the Past Time Active, and the Par- ticiple Perfect, or Passive, are form'd by adding to the word, ed; or d only where the word ends in e:’—and, that, ‘The nature of our language, the accent and PR on UN c1Ation of it, inclines us to contract all our regular verbs: thus loved, turned, are commonly PRONo UN CE’D in one syllable, lov'd, turn'd.’ It would be absurd to argue against this gene- ral pronunciation —but the contraction is an irre- gularity, and a license; it is necessary, therefore, that Authors should distinguish when they mean the reader to use it; and this they do, more or less, as it is every day seen, in modern books, by an Apostrophe.—Now, whether the direction for this admitted mode of speech may have been, by Lowth and others, properly exhibited to the sight, is the subject of my present inquiry. If they have misled their pupils, it were better to have left the spelling undisturb’d, and to have omitted the Apostrophe, altogether: for, in this TO ORTHOGRAPHERS. vii case, total darkness is preferable to false lights; and to assist utterance by the elision of one letter, thereby leaving others, which, when combine'd, make us, according to analogy, utter wrong, is something like drawing a man's soundest grinders to help his mastication. It appears, by the foregoing extract from the learned Bishop, that the simple addition of d to a word ending in e, originally produce’d another syllable in utterance; and so it does, to this day, in some instances. In the Church, it heightens the solemnity of prayer; in the Senate, it often dignifies the grace of rhetorick. Verse, too, em- ploys or rejects it's power, as it is convenient or incommodious to rhythm:—and this augmenting faculty of d is so imperious upon us in spelling- books, that we are oblige'd to separate the pa- rent syllable, whence the Preterit is form’d, into two awkward parts, for the immediate service of the Tyro:—as to rule, ru-led; to dislike, dis-li-ked. Yet it is particularly to be observe'd, that, in this division, for the sole purpose of teaching pro- per utterance, not one letter of the or IGINAL syl- lable, with d attach'd to it, is omitted; but sylla- bication is thrust out of it's natural order, before d can exercise it's multiplying force :-and when viii TO OPTHOGRAPHERS. such a division is made as does not convey proper utterance, as rul-ed, dis-lik-ed, it doubles the per- plexity of the child, (who must be puzzle'd even by the best method, as I shall presently shew,) and disgusts those who know the principles of certain combine'd letters producing certain sounds. The first mode which I have mention'd of di- viding syllables, best instructs a boy in mere Pro- nunciation; the second bewilders him much more than the former, in it’s principles; both confuse him; while both shock the philologer. Tell the boy to spell ruled, in the first manner. He begins—r, u, ru; l, e, d, led; ru-led. Very well, child !—but, after all, here is an unfortunate original monosyllable strangely rent in twain, which must confuse the boy in the word rule, if he thinks about it at all, and does not learn language like a parrot.—Then try the other way.-R, u, l, rule; e, d, ed; rul-ed. Good boy!—but this will not do; for the letters r, u, l, do not spell rule. Once more, as our last hope.—R, u, l, e, rule;—Bravo! now for the d5–what does d by itself spell?–No- thing!—What is the boy to make of all this —I make the following deducements. Since, in Schemes to elucidate actual pronun- ciation, that arrangement is best which divides syllables so that they may impart, as nearly as TO ORTHOGRAPHERS, ix possible, their true sound in the word they help to compose;*—since all such schemes, however they may be, more or less, syllabically vicious, ex- hibit the right spelling of a word altogether;-it follows, that, the efficacy of a contracting mark (inserted for the purpose of directing us how to speak) may be question'd, whenever we find, from grammatical rules, it not only corrupts the Sound of the vowel which precedes it, but violates orthography. I shall be told that the Apostrophe, as now use’d in Preterits, does neither the one nor the other ; that it implies the letter in the spelling, which it elides in the utterance; and that, thus, every thing is right, as to spelling, and the sound of the pre- ceding vowel. - Now I beg leave to submit, that, it cuts off the final e in the original word, instead of the implied force of e in di—it cripples the parent syllable, under pretence of curtailing the understood power in the adjunct; and strikes at the root of the tree, by way of lopping it's branches.—D, when it forms a preterit, by following a consonant, always * In support of this opinion, see Lowth's Introduction to English Grammar; and Walker's Pronouncing Dictionary, under the prefatory article “ Syllabication.’ X TO ORTHOGRAPHERS. becomes ed; as in turned, mended; and it is, to all intents, ed in itself, when attach'd, for the same purpose, to a vowel. The fact seems to be, that, in downright strict- ness, and according to all analogy bearing upon this regular preterit, (which a fashion in printing only has render'd doubly irregular, by contraction upon contraction,) d should be written ed; as grace-ed, tike-ed:—in this point of view, we perceive the true place for elision, without difficulty; and the Apos- trophe, then, points out the proper contraction of sound, without danger of injury to pronunciation, or orthography; as grace'd, like'd. If, then, for the sake of avoiding the formality and trouble of printing two ees with a hyphen, as hate- ed, we offer violence to a syllable, and absolutely tear it in two, (as in ha-ted,) to accommodate d with a borrow'd effect, because we are too indolent and fashionable to make him produce his own dormant attribute, if we do this, is d also, when a con- traction is expedient, to perpetrate a cruelty upon the unhappy syllable, because it is no longer wanted upon a supererogatory service?—This is making d commit the same barbarity which, among others, has been attributed to Buonaparte,_that of murdering certain soldiers, after they had fought his battles, because he had no further occasion for TO ORTHOGRAPHERS. xi them : or, rather, as it happen'd in Russia, leav- ing others to be knock'd on the head, to escape being scratch'd himself. ‘Where a vowel is terminated by a consonant, except that consonant be r, whether the accent be upon the syllable or not, the vowel has it's short sound, which, compare’d with it's long one, may be call'd shut.” Thus, take away e from the verbs to bane, to cure, &c. they become ban and cur, with the remaining vowels shorten’d, (even, here, in the excepted instance of r,) which were before long;-and if we still add another consonant, as d to form the preterit, it does not mend the matter; but tends to confirm the short sound still more, if possible; for we know how such a combination of letters is pronounce’d in a band of musick, and the curd of a sillabub. To apply the above Rule to the first words that present themselves, (as laced, liked, baked,) let it be display'd, after the present fashion of printing, that a man lac'd a coat ; lik'd his wife; and bak'd his pig : then, as c is hard between two consonants, (like k * Walker. t There are some exceptions to this in the letter i ;-as in find, child, &c. xii TO ORTHOGRAPHERS. every where, or like itself and k together,) and as the vowels are short, according to orthoepy, we must necessarily pronounce that a man lack'd a coat; lick'd his wife; and back'd his pig, that is, took a ride upon his pig, as he would upon his poney.—If I may judge by my own feelings, it is difficult for grammatical readers, on seeing certain letters in juxtaposition, to avoid thinking of the Principles of Speech, notwith- standing the intervention of the Apostrophe as now employ'd. What is to be made, at first sight, of the preterits akd, usd, icil, &c.; and even though habit has, in part, reconcile'd uS to ak'd, us'd, ic'd, &c., still there is something painful in looking at them : and they would absolutely excite disgust, if we had been accustom'd to the more intelligible ake'd, used, ice'd. There is a multitude of words, and syllables, now reduced to the same predicament: some that I am bold to think ought to be exploded by all well-bred persons, when pronounce’d analogically. To mention only one,—the last syllable of ventur'd, TO OPTHOGRAPHERS. xiii thus deprive'd of it's e, can never be utter'd alone, in any polish'd assembly. Of loved and turned;— their second person,' says Lowth, which was originally lovedest, turnedest, is become a dissyllable, lovedst, turn- edst.”— But, if the e be thrown out in est, (without entering, pro or con, into the merits of this elision,) another e has been, already, ejected in lov’d and turn'd: therefore, if both contractions be admitted, the words must be lovdst, turndst : and under this arrangement would, also, come dancast, fencast, fiddldst, hobbldst, stumblåst; and a multiplicity of other frightful associations, whose look “ does sear mine eyeballs P-It would almost startle a Dutchman to contemplate such a formidable congress of consonants The various instances, and their various branches, which have induce'd me to employ the Apostrophe as I have, in preterits form'd by djoin'd to words ending in a vowel, might swell to a volume:*—but * It may be urge'd that my reasoning is done away, in many cases, by doubling a letter; and that hop'd, for instance, cannot be pronounced as form'd from to hop, because the preterit of this last word is spelt hopp'd:—But the necessity of foisting p upon the adjunct ed only corroborates my prin- ciple, by contrasting it;-for, when neither hopped mor hoped are abridge'd, as the duplication of a consonant keeps the o short in the first word, so only one consonant follow'd by a xiv. TO ORTHOGRAPHERS. I proposed only an outline of my thoughts; and have advance'd sufficient, on this head, to illustrate my general principles.—I have little subsequently to Say; for few, if any, I trust, will be offended with my elision of e, in ed, after a consonant, as turn'd for turned; because this method is frequently seen in modern publications, though not so often, I think, as it ought to be : and it is curious to observe how very often the Apostrophe is left out, in such words, when they are intended to be pronounce'd short, while it is so repeatedly inserted to maim orthography, and shorten vowels that should be long.—I can conceive no motive for this but an odd qualm of conscience; a wish to maintain a bungling kind of moral balance in print, by preserving redundant letters in one place, as a retribution for striking out those that seem indispensable in another. vowel is necessary to preserve the o long in the last.—Take away the e in hoped, and the o is as effectually shorten’d by the two succeeding consonants as by three, or half a dozen. A word or two more, on another point.—I have said that when a preterit is form'd by joining d to a word ending in e, not one letter of the radical syllable is omitted in a spelling- book:-it may, then, be ask'd, how happens e to be left out when ing is annex'd to it, as in hoping, &c. &c.?—No doubt, the word is more properly hopeing ; but ‘ the diph- thong ei, when unaccented, drops the former vowel, and is pronounce'd like short i ;'—the total omission of e may be, therefore, allowable. To ORTHog RAPHERá. XV Walker, indeed, very strongly implies that Pre- terits, when printed at full length, should always be contracted in reading, as a matter of course.* This doctrine I deny; but it seems to be his general rule; first, by his giving exceptions to it, in blessed, learned, cursed,—and in aged and winged, when these two last words are not compounded with another; and, secondly, by his saying, ‘The Distressed Mother, the title of a Tragedy, needs not to be written Distrest, (there I agree with him,) as we generally find it, because, though we write in the former manner, it must necessarily be pronounced in another.’—Now Distresse'd as plain- ly appears to say to us “utter me in three syl- lables, as Distress'd tells us to speak it in two.— Distress'd, and not distrest, sets the matter right. But as Walker has quoted the title of a Tragedy, to support (though it does not) his opinion, let me bring forward King Richard the Third against him. In the first speech of Shakspeare's Play of this name, we find the following lines; * Our bruised arms hung up for monuments.”— * And, now, instead of mounting barbed steeds.”— * I am determined to prove a villain.” Now if the words printed in Italicks were con- * Very often they cannot be contracted; as in the very word itself, contracted,—and many others. xvi. TO ORTHOGRAPHERS. tracted in the utterance, what would become of the metre —But, it may be said, men's ears will direct them in speaking poetry:-yet how few have a good ear for poetry, and how many, who are by no means illiterate, have no ear for poetry at all ! In poetry it is, therefore, necessary to insert the Apostrophe, wherever a contraction is meant; and, then, whenever it is omitted, it will be under- stood that the word is to be spoken at full length. —In the Drama particularly, in Novels, in short, wherever Dialogue is carried on, by persons speak- ing in character, these distinctions of sound should always be designated:—to a Quaker in a printed Play the ascertainment of his formal ed is of con- sequence;—and, in all books, it helps to obviate some of those errors in pronunciation to which, it is fear'd, the majority of readers is liable. I conclude, then, by saying, that, until the Learned remove my scruples, I shall continue to write dance'd for danc'd, walk'd, for walked, &c., &c.; and that, when I omit the Apostrophe, I intend | no contraction of speech whatever. G. C. 5th April, 1814. t ſá !， <ſ - ſą ſae � cae ± Q§ 3;*; · €-4 - • 3 ± TE …?…', pº “E $2 ſa · Ž Ź ğ Ģ Ķ Ķ ºg § ſä. 3 § Ē ē ģ ž Š š # : ; ; ， ; ; ; ） （ ） Z§ §$ $ $ $ $ ? <%§ 3ſ Ř Ě Ě Ě É º ÞR ޺ ∞§ ¶ ¡ ¿ « ...sº Ē Ē Ē Ģ ģ Ķ ∞ Ē Ē É º 5 5 ż# Ē Ē Ģ Ģ Ģ №.È § § §→ $ſ-§ ? ? ? ©Þ>> «3 Ź„ “， “E o *- ---- ſ Ř Ě Ě Ě Ě ---- § 5. § © # Ē Ē Ě Ě Ě -? №n - E < # ſº = ſë ſë T |- POETICAL VAGARIES. II. First Person Singular ! pray, why Impregnate, thus, the Pronoun I? Of madness what a tissue ! To write as if, with passion wild, Thou oft hadst got thyself with child, And thou wert Self and Issue ! III. Thy Voice, which counterfeits, alone, A score of voices in it’s own, Awmie takes in the Many; Thus a bad One Pound Note is past For Twenty Shillings, and, at last, Turns out not worth a penny. IV. "Tis well for Thee no laws of thine Can crush vile Followers of the Nine; oDE To WE ; &c. Thou live'st upon the sinners; And if all Poets left off writing, Through thy anonymous inditing, Why thou must leave off dinners: V. For Thou could'st ne'er turn Poet, sure, Laurels, or luncheons, to procure; Witness thy present calling ; Else why not write thyself a name So very humble, le'en, in fame, As mine which thou art mauling VI. Yet, hold,—thou may’st, on Pindus’ heights, Have far out-soar'd my lowly flights— No, that’s a thought I'll smother: The meanest Bard, among the mean, Can he, thus, sculk behind a screen, And try to stab a brother? B 2 - POETICAL VAGARIES. VII. But come, one moment, leave thy pen Stuck in thy gall-bottle, and, then, Smooth o'er thy forehead's furrow : Let's chat:—Where got'st thou thy employ Art thou of Dublin City, joy Or bonny Edinborough VIII. Or, art John Bull, in garret cramm’d “Spirit of health, or goblin damn'd?” Be something, for thy credit: Perhaps, thou’rt he who (as they say) Cut up the last successful Play, And never saw nor read it. IX. Be what thou wilt;-when all is done, To me thou’rt (like Thyself) All One ; oDE To we, &c. 5 Thou'rt welcome, still, to flog on ; For, till one addled egg's a brood, Or twenty WEs a multitude, My Muse and I will jog on. X. Now, should'st thou praise me, after all Though that, indeed, were comical, What honour could I pin toºt ” If Porridge were my only cheer, Thy Praise or Blame must both appear Two tasteless chips thrown into't. XI. Then, WE, shake hands, and part!—no breach No difference, twixt us, I beseech -- Although our business varies: Thine is Detraction, mine is Jest; Which occupation, pray, is best- Thy Spite, or my Vagaries f LOW AMIBITION: O R, THE LIFE AND DEATH OF MR. D.A.W. -º- Praecordia ludit. Claims the Belly Part. PERSIUS. MooRE's ALMANACK. MALEB RANCHE, and Lock, and such grave fellows, Who were abstracted reasoners, tell us Much that relates to MAN –when you have read All these Philosophers have said, Low AMBITION, &c. 7 You'll give them credit for their perspicacity;- And, after that, (if you should have a head Of no great ontological capacity) You'll know as much, About the matter, as I know of Dutch: For, when a metaphysick chain Once gets entangle'd in your brain, The more you rattle it, the more you rave, And curse, and swear, and misbehave, - Coming to no conclusion; And, if, at last, you lose the smallest link, You may as well go whistle as go think Of mending the confusion. Then, leaving Spiritual Truths to those Who, taking pleasure in the study, O'er Thoughts on Human Understanding doze, Till human understanding grows quite muddy;- POETICAL VAGARHES, One proposition, only, I advance, (It will not lead Philosophy a dance) Respecting Man;–widelicet, I never met with any, yet, However thick his pericranium's density,+ Let it be thicker than a post,- Who has not some astonishing propensity, - Of which he makes a pother, and a boast. -- He'll either tell you he can drink, or smoke, Or play at Whist,--or on the pipe and tabor, Or cut a throat, a caper, or a joke, Much better than his neighbour. - - || Many will say, they’ll settle you the Nation; And make a Peace,—solid, and good, (I wish they would !) Sooner than the Administration. low AMBition, &c. One tells you how a Town is to be taken; A second o'er the Fair Sex boasts his power; Another brags he’ll eat six pounds of bacon, For half a crown, in half an hour. Thus Nature always brings, in Fortune's spite, ; Ps &c. - *_ _ _ dº Man’s “ ruling passion, as Pope says, to light. And I maintain that all these Ruling Passions, Divide them how you will, and subdivide,- I care not how they’re ramified, Into their different forms, and fashions,— I say they all proceed from Pride: And this same Pride is founded on Ambition; Shades varying, with talents, and condition. Look at that Rope-Dancer;-observe Gods ! how he vaults!—’tis all to get a name; Risking his limbs, and straining every nerve, To jump himself, poor devil! into Fame. 10 POETICAL VAGARIES. Mark with what Majesty he wields the pole, While the Buffoon (his vassal) chalks his sole ! Sir, 'tis his poor Ambition’s richest hope To reign elastick Emperor, and Lord, O'er all who ever caper’d on a cord, And be the Buonaparte of the rope. In short, an itching for renown Makes some dance ropes, and others storm a Town;– And an observer must be very dull If a Jack-Pudding, or a Pierrot, Don’t, sometimes, seem to him as great a Hero As a Grand Signior, or a Great Mogul. That lowly men aspire to lowly glory Here followeth (exempl; gratiâ) a Story. Low AMBITION, &c. II GODDESS! whose frolick humour glads the Sky; Who, oft, with dimple’d cheek, to Momus listen; Within the lustre of whose lucid eye Laughter's gay drops, like dew in sunshine, glisten ? Come, sweet EUPHROSYNE! luxuriant MIRTH! Leave all the Heathen Deities behind; Descend, and help, ("twill be but kind) One of the poorest Poets upon earth! O! now descend! while I devote my page To one who flourish’d on a London Stage. She comes!—I sing the Manycleped Daw, Whose Mother dress'd the Tragick Queens; She in the Candle-Snuffer raise’d a flame; Then quench'd it, like a liberal Dame; And the first light my Hero ever saw Was that his Father snuff'd behind the Scenes. 12 - POETICAL VAGARIES, Born to the Boards, as Actors say, this Wight * . Was, oft, let out, at half a crown, per night, By tender parents, after he was wean’d ; At three years old, squab, chubby-cheek’d, and stupid, Sometimes, he was a little extra Fiend, Sometimes, a supernumerary Cupid. When Master Daw full fourteen years had told, He grew, as it is term’d, hobbedyhoy-ish ; For Cupidons, and Fairies, much too old, For Calibans, and Devils, much too boyish. This state, grave Fathers say, behind the Scenes, Often embarrasses their Ways and Means: And Master Daw was out of size, For raising the Supplies:— He was a perfect lout, a log;- You never clapt your eyes Upon an uglier dog! - - * Low AMBition, &c. - 13 His voice had broken to a gruffish squeak; He had grown blear-eye’d, baker-knee’d, and gummy; And, though he hadn’t been too hoarse to speak, He was too ugly, even, for a dumby. But hood-wink'd Fortune, Goddess of misprision, Soon gave her Bandeau's knot a tighter twist; Or else, that she might have no chance of vision,-- She, certainly, employ'd an Oculist: Had she but seen no better than the Fowl . The chaste Minerva loves, yelept an Owl,— Or had of seeing the least notion, She never, never could have found In Master Daw, that chubby, stupid hound, A subject for theatrical promotion. But, lo! 'twas at a Ballet's night-rehearsal,— Perform’d, at last, as Play-Bills often shew, 14 POETICAL VAGARIES. * Whether the Ballet have been hiss'd or no, To over-flows, and plaudits universal;- The Prompter’s Boy, a pickle'd, thoughtless knave, Playing a game at marbles, in the sea, Happen'd to break his leg upon a wave, And Master Daw was made his Deputy. The Office of a Prompter's Boy, perchance, May not be generally known. I’ll sketch it:-Would I could enhance The outline with some touches of my own The Prompter’s Boy, Messieurs tº must stand Near the Stage-Door, close at the Prompter’s hand; Holding a Nomenclature that's numerical, Which tallies with the Book prompterical : - And as the Prompter calls, “One, Two, Three, Four,” Mark'd, accurately, in the Prompt-Book page, Low AMBITION, &c. 15 These numbers mean the Boy must leave the Door, To call the folks refer'd to, for the Stage. In this capacity, as record saith, Young Master Daw Both heard and saw As much (if not as two) as any one can;– He saw the Actor murdering Macbeth, Whom he had only call'd to murder Duncan. He saw Anne Boleyne, in the Green-Room, grant A kiss to Wolsey, dangling at her crupper; Heard an Archbishop damn a Figurante, And Shylock order sausages for supper. During his time, (or Master Daw’s a liar) Three Virgins of the Sun grew wondrous round: Pluto most narrowly escape'd from fire, And Neptune in a water-tub was drown'd. 16 POETICAL VAGARIES. During his time, from the Proscenium ta'en, Thalia and Melpomene both vanish'd; The Lion and the Unicorn remain,_ Seeming to hint, to a capricious Age, “ Suffer the Quadrupeds to keep the Stage,” “ The Muses to be banish’d.” During his time, psha let me turn Time’s glass. Reader, old Time (depend on’t) will kill Thee; But, should I grow prolix, alas! Thou never would'st kill Time by reading Me. Yet, here, will I apostrophize thee, Time! If not in reason, why in Crambo Rhime. 17 A REC KONING WITH TIME.” I. COME on, old TIME –may, that is stuff; Gaffer! thou come'st on fast enough ;— Wing'd foe to feather'd Cupid – But, tell me, Sand-Man' ere thy grains Have multiplied upon my brains, So thick to make me stupid;— II. Tell me, Death's Journeyman —but, no; Hear thou my speech;-I will not grow * This ‘ Reckoning with Time' appear'd three or four years ago, at the request of a friend, in a monthly publication;–whence it was copied into a few works of a similar description:-But, as it was first, purposely, written to be introduced in the present Tale, and has been seen, only, in prints a little more fugitive (perhaps) than this Book, the Author trusts he may be excuse'd for inserting it in the place of it's original destination. C 18 POETICAL VAGARIES. Irreverent while I try it; For, though I mock thy Flight, 'tis said, The Forelock fills me with such dread, - I—never take thee by it. III. List, then, old Is-Was-and-To-Bel I'll state accounts 'twixt Thee and Me;— Thou gave t me, first, the measles; With teething would'st have ta'en me off, Then, made'st me, with the hooping cough, Thinner than fifty weasels. IV. Thou gave'st Small-Pox, (the Dragon, now, That Jenner combats, on a Cow ;) And, then, some seeds of knowledge;— Grains of the Grammar, which the flails Of Pedants thresh upon our tails, To fit us for a College. RECKONING WITH TIME. 19 V. And, when at Christ-Church, 'twas thy sport To rack my brains with sloe-juice Port, And Lectures out of number 1– There Fresh-man Folly quaffs, and sings, While Graduate Dulness clogs thy wings, With mathematick lumber. VI. Thy pinions next, which, while they wave, Fan all our Birth-Days to the grave, I think ere it was prudent, Balloom'd me from the Schools to Town, Where I was parachuted down, A dapper, Temple Student. VII. Then, much in Dramas did I look ; Much slighted Thee, and great Lord Coke; G 2 20 POETICAL VAGARIES. Congreve beat Blackstone hollow : Shakspeare made all the Statutes stale, And, in my Crown, no Pleas had Hale, To supersede Apollo. VIII. Ah, Time ! those raging heats, I find, Were the mere Dog-Star of my mind; How cool is retrospection | Youth's gaudy Summer Solstice o'er, Experience yields a mellow store, An Autumn of reflection IX. Why did I let the God of Song Lure me from Law, to join his throng, Gull'd by some slight applauses What's Verse to A when versus B? Or what John Bull, a Comedy, To pleading John Bull's causes || RECKONING WITH TIME. 21 X. Yet, though my childhood felt disease, Though my lank purse, unswol’n by fees, Some ragged Muse has netted,— Still, honest Chronos 'tis most true, To Thee (and faith to others, too!) I’m very much indebted. XI. For thou hast made me gaily tough, Inure'd me to each day that's rough, In hopes of calm, to-morrow ;- And when, old Mower of us all ! Beneath thy sweeping scythe I fall, Some few DEAR FRIENDs will sorrow. XII. Then, though my idle Prose, or Rhime, Should, half an hour, out-live me, Time ! 22 POETICAL VAGARIES. Pray bid the Stone-Engravers, Where'er my bones find Church-Yard room, Simply to chisel on my tomb, * Thank TIME for all his Favours P’ Managers, Actors, Candle-Snuffers, all,— Yea, all who write, or damn, or clap a Play, E’en little Prompters' Boys, who Players call, (Sad truth to tell!) grow older every day. Now had the sure Fore-runner of our Fate, (TIME, whom I have apostrophize’d,) - Who rubs no Russian oil upon his pate, Scorning a wig, or a transparent téte, Or any cure for baldness advertise’d;— Time had besprinkle'd, with some years, My Hero's asinine and vulgar ears. ºf Low AMBITION, &c. 23 Daw, now adult, and turn'd of five-and-thirty, Conceive’d himself miraculously clever :— His skin was like a Dun Cow's hide, grown dirty, And his legs knit in bandiness, for ever. Coxcombical, malicious, busy, pert, Brisk as a flea, and ignorant as dirt, When he began one of his frothy chatters, Boasting about his knowledge of Stage matters, He look’d so very, very sage, You could not, for your soul, talk gravely to him ; He seem’d an Oran Outang, come of age, Connive’d at for a man, by those who knew him. Many strange faces may be seen;–but Daw’s Look’d like the Knocker of a Door, whose grin Has let it's handle tumble from the jaws, To hinder you from rapping on it's chin. Three single ladies, and one married, By looking at him, all miscarried. 24 POETICAL VAGARIES. No longer Prompter’s Boy, he now had gain’d A rank upon the Stage almost unique; A rank of which I am about to speak;- Which, with great dignity, he long maintain'd. “Daw on the Stage too ugly as a lad!” “And now so frightful, when to manhood grown,” “That Ugliness had mark’d him for her own,” “Sure the Proprietors were all gone mad ſº Reader it ill becometh me To say how mad Proprietors may be ;- But, every night, To crowded audiences, did Mr. Daw Give Boxes, Pit, and Galleries delight, Acting with great eclat. And though he acted so repeatedly, (Of which he often talk’d conceitedly) Low AMBITION, &c. 25 Although no Actor, in his line, excell’d him, Yet, in the personation of his part, (The fact, I know, will make you start,) Not one of his Encomiasts beheld him. When the Enigma is expounded, You'll own 'tis true, and be dumfounded. Well was the adage to my Hero known That Beauty merely is skin deep; But, thinking Ugliness is some skins deeper, He, very politickly, tried to creep Into another skin beside his own ;- Wherein conceal’d, , His face and figure couldn’t be reveal’d, And soon he prove’d a most successful creeper. Being a persevering rogue, Through interest, and strong solicitation, 26 poeticAL vagARIES. ~ Before live cattle came in vogue, He got, at last, his wish’d-for situation:— And, when sham Beasts came on, it was his pride To tell,—he always acted the Inside. Thus Daw “ with Fortune almost out of suits,” Unfit to shew himself, or utter words, Wriggle’d into the Parts of all the Brutes, And all the larger Birds. He was the stateliest Ostrich seen, for struts; Unrivall’d in the bowels of a Boar; Great, and majestick, in a Lion's guts, And a fine Tiger, both for walk and roar. A noted Connoisseur was heard to swear, (From minor merits far from a detractor) There was no bearing any outside Bear, If Mr. Daw were not the inside Actor. Low AMBITION, &c. 27 Sometimes, a failure his great name would tarnish;— Once, acting in a Dragon, newly painted, The ceruse, turpentine, and warnish, Gave him the cholick,-and the Dragon fainted. Once, too, when drunk in Cerberus, oh!, shame! He fell asleep within the Dog’s internals;– Thus, Mr. Whitbread’s Porter overcame The Porter to the King of the Infernals. But in Dumb Follies, that succeed the Play, His reputation rose so fast, That he was call’d, par excellence, at last, The great Intestine Roscius of his day. Yet frequently it has been shewn, And History hath often stated, A Hero meets in his career a check; Sometimes in battle he is overthrown, PoETICAL VAGARIES. Sometimes he is assassinated, And, sometimes, he's suspended by the neck- Sundry the ways, when Fortune's scurvy, In which a Hero is turn’d topsy-turvy. Christmas was coming on;–those merry times, When, in conformity to ancient rules, Grand classick Theatres give Pantomimes, For the delight of Innocents, and Fools:— That is, (if I may make so bold) - For Children who are young, and Children who are old. A pasteboard Elephant, of monstrous size, Was form'd to bless a Learned Nation’s eyes, And charm the sage Theatrical resorters; And, as two men were necessary in it, It was decreed, in an unlucky minute, That Mr. Daw should fill the hinder quarters. Low AMBITION, &c. 29 The HINDER Quarters t t 1–here was degradation Gods! mighty Daw!—what was thy indignation He swore a tragick oath;-‘‘ by Her who bore him!” (Meaning the Dresser of the Tragick Queens) “No individual, behind the scenes,” “Should walk in any Elephant before him.” “He’d rather live on husks,” “Or dine upon his nails,” “Than quit First Parts, under the trunks, and tusks,” “And stoop to Second Rates, beneath the tails!” “”Twas due to his celebrity, at least,” “If he should so far condescend” “To represent the moiety of a beast,” “That he should have the right to chuse which end.” The Managers were on the Stage; To whom he, thus, remonstrated, in rage. 30 POETICAL VAGARIES. “I’ve been chief Lion, and first Tiger, here,” “For fifteen year;-" * That, you may tell me, matters not a souse ;” “But, what is more,” “All London says, I am the greatest Boar” You ever had, in all your House. “Of all Insides, the Town likes me the best;” “Over my head no Underling shall jump :-" “I’ll play your front legs, shoulders, neck, and breast,” “But damn me if I act your loins and rump !” Though this Address was coarser than jack-towels, Although the speaker's face made men abhor him, Yet, when a man acts nothing else but bowels, The Managers might have some bowels for him ; And if obdurate Managers could feel A little more than flint, or steel,- Low AMBITION, &c. 3] If they had any heart, On hearing such a forcible appeal, They might have let the man reject the part. | All the head Manager said to it, Was, simply, this, “ Daw, you must do it.” And, after all, the Manager was right; But how to make the fact appear Incontrovertible, and clear, And place it in it’s proper light, Puzzles me quite Come, let me try.—Reader, 'twould make you sweat, (You'll pardon the expression) - To see two fellows get, With due discretion,-- One upright, one aslant, Into the entrails of an Elephant: 32 - POETICAL VAGARIES. For, if you’ll have the goodness to reflect On the construction of these huge brute creatures, You'll see the man in front must walk erect; While he who goes behind must bend, Stooping, and bringing down his features, Over the front man's latter end:— And the Beast's shape requires, particularly, The tallest man to march first, perpendicularly. Now, the new inside man, you’ll find, Was taller, by a head, than Daw; Therefore 'twas fit that Daw should walk behind, According both to Equity and Law. Daw, for a time, with jealousy was rack'd, And with his rival wouldn’t act; Nevertheless, Like other Politicians in the Nation, Who can’t have all their wishes, Low AMBITIon, &c. - 33 He chose, at last, to coalesce, Rather than lose his situation, And give up all the loaves, and fishes. The House was cramm'd : the Elephant appear'd ; With three times three, the Elephant was cheer'd ; Shouts, and Huzzas, the ear confound ! The Building rings; the Building rocks; The Elephant the Pit, the Elephant each Box, The Elephant the Galleries resound! The Elephant walk’d down, Before the lamps, to fascinate the Town, Daw, with his ugly face incline'd Just over his tall rival’s skirts Bore, horizontally, in mind His Self-Love's bruises, and Ambition's hurts. 34 POETICAL VAGARIES. Hating the man by whom he was disgrace’d, Who from his cap had pluck'd the choicest feather, He bit him in the part where Honour's place’d, Till his teeth met together. On this attack from the ferocious Daw, Upon his Pais Bas, The Man, unable to conceal his pain, Roar'd and writhe’d, Roar'd and writhe’d, Roar'd and writhe’d, and roar'd again " . -- That Beasts should roar is neither new, nor queer, But, on a repetition of the spite, How was the House electifierd to hear t” - The Elephant say,+* Curse you, Daw, don’t bite Daw persevere'd :-unable to get out, The Tall Man face’d about, Low AMbition, &c. 35 And with great force the mighty Daw assail'd;— Both, in the dark, were, now, at random, fighting, iſ Huffing, and cuffing, kicking, scratching, biting, Though neither of the Combatants prevail’d. It was the strongest precedent, by far, In ancient, or in modern story, Of such a desperate intestine war, Wage’d in so small a territory! And, in this Civil Brawl, like any other. Where every Man in Arms his Country shatters, The two inhabitants thump'd one another Till they had torn the Elephant to tatters;– And, thus uncase'd, the Rival Actors Stood bowing to their generous Benefactors. Uproar ensue’d from every side, --- Scene-shifters ran to gather up the hide; D 2 36 PoETICAL VAGARIES. While the Two Bowels, in dismay, Hiss'd, hooted, damn'd, and pelted,—walk'd away. Reader, if you would, further, know The History of Mr. Daw, 'tis brief;- He died, not many months ago, Of mortified AMBITION, and of grief:-- For when Live Quadrupeds usurp'd the Stage, And which are, now, (but mayn’t be long) the rage, He went to bed, And never, afterwards, held up his head. Awhile, he languish'd, looking pale and wan; Then, dying, said, “Daw’s occupation's gone!” lſº ſ º Wºzzº THE LADY OF THE WRECK; O R, CASTLE BLARNEYGIG: A POEM. TO THE AUTHOR, O F THE LADY OF THE LAKE; WHOSE GIFTED MUSE NEEDs No MERETRICrous colourings Upon HER BEAUTY; Z - WHOSE CHAIRMS MIGHT DISDAIN A VEIL OF OBSOLETENESS, TO OBSCURE THEM; THE FOLLOWING POEM, 0 F THE LADY OF THE WRECK, o R. CASTLE BLARNEYGIG, IS RESPECTFULLY INSCRIBE'D, Is Y HIS ADMIRER. AIDW ERTISEMENT. Let not the Reader, whose senses have been delight- fully intoxicated by that Scottish Circe, the Lady of the Lake, accuse the present Author of plagiary. The wild Irish and wild Caledonians bore a great resem- blance to each other, in very many particulars;–and two Poets, who have any “method in their madness,” may, naturally, fall into similar strains of wildness, when handling subjects equally wild, and remote.— 'Tis a wild World, my Masters!—The Author of this Work, has, merely, adopted the Style which a northern GENIUs has, of late, render'd the Fashion, and the Rage:—He has attempted, in this instance, to become a maker of the Modern-Antique; a Vender of a new Coinage, begrime'd with the ancient arugo;-a Con- structor of the dear pretty Sublime, and sweet little Grand;—a Writer of a Short Epick Poem, stuff’d 42 Advertise MENT. How and interlarded HoR. EPIST. 1. LIB. 2. -- is such a Writer to be class'd 3 “An quos et praesens et postera respuet attas?” with Songs and Ballads, d la mode de Chevy Chase, “ Inter quos referendus erit? veteresne Poetas?” Edom o Gordon, Sir Lancelot du Lake, &c. &c. with Romantick Knick-knackeries; — “ quaedam nimis antiquè—pleraque dura.”—HoR. “ Thus have I, (my dear Countrymen) with incredible pains and diligence, discover'd the hidden sources of the BATHos, or, as I may say, broke open the abysses of this GREAT DEEP.” MART. Scrip. rept BAQoYX. CANTO FIRST. HARP of the PATs!” that rotting long has lain On the soft bºom of St. Allan's bog, And, when the Wind had fits,t would'st twang a strain, Till envious mud did all thy musick clog, * “If it be allow'd that the Harp was in use among the ancient Caledo- nians, it can hardly be denied that they borrow'd it from the Irish.” Walker's Historical Memoirs of Irish Bards. * The same idea occurs in the beautiful opening of the Lady of the Lake; —where it is said that the Scotch Harp hung “ On the witch-elm that shades St. Fillan's Spring;” and “fºung it's numbers” down the “fitful breeze.”—Indeed, the whole of the present Invocation to the Irish Harp is a tolerably close, though humble' imitation of the commencement of the Poem above mention'd, 44 POETICAL VAGARIES, . E’en just as too much pudding chokes a dog;- Oh! Paddy's Harp still sleeps thine accent's pride : Will nobody be giving it a jog? Still must thou silent be, as when espied Upon an Irish, old, old halfpenny's back side : Not thus, when Erin wore a wilder shape, Thy Voice was speechless in an Irish Town; It rouse’d the hopeless Lover to a rape, Made timorous Tenants knock proud Landlords down ; Whisky, at every pause, the feast did crown;– Now, by the powers! the fun was never slack; The 0s and Macs were frisky as the Clown; For, still, the burthen (growing now a hack) Was Hubbaboo, dear joys! and Didderoo! and Whack! Och wake again! arrah, get up once more! And let me venture just to take a thrum :— THE LADY of THE wreck, &c. 45 ds Wake, and be damn’d you’ve had a tightish snore"— Perhaps, I’d better let you lie there, dumb: Yet, if one Ballad-Monger like my strain, Though I’ve a clumsy finger and a thumb, I shan’t have jingle’d Minstrelsy in vain; So, Wizard, be alive! old Witch, get up again! I. The Pig, at eve, was lank, and faint, Where Patrick is the Patron Saint, And with his peasant Lord, unfed, Went, grunting, to their common bed: But when black Night her sables threw Athwart the slough of Ballyloo,” The deep-mouth'd thunder's angry roar Rebellow'd on the Ulster shore, * In the latest Chorography of Ireland, Ballyloo is not to be found in the Maps. Various other places, mention'd in this Poem, are, also, totally omit- ted.—But, even the discoveries of Captain Lemuel Gulliver, so long ago as the time of Queen Anne, are look'd for in vain, except in the Charts which are bound up in his own publication.—Shameful negligence! 46 POETICAL VAGARIES. And hailstones pelted, mighty big, The towers of Castle Blarneygig. II. Aloft, where, erst, tyrannick Fear Place'd lynx-eye’d Vigilance to peer,” And listen, in the dunnest dark, Whether a feudal cur should bark, Drunk, deaf, and purblind, in the din, Doze'd the old Warder, Rory Flinn. Before the antique Hall's turf fire, Was stretch'd the Porter, Con Macguire, Who, at stout Usquebagh's command, Snore’d with his prokert in his hand. * i. e. The Watch-Tower ;—in which a man was, formerly, station'd, t give notice of danger, real, or apprehended, from the approach of any party or parties, whatever.--No vestige of this personage's office remains, in th rural abodes of our modern Nobility. In, and around, the Metropolis, an in great provincial Towns, and their suburbs, Warders, still, exist:—bt they are situated on the ground; on the outside of Mansions, which the pretend, and are not suppose'd, to guard; in small Wooden-Bores, just cap. ble of containing them,--wheerin they doze, as conveniently as their pred cessor Rory Flinn, in this Poem recorded. + Hibernice, proker; Anglice, poker. THE LADY of THE wreck, &c. 47 Kathlane, who very ill could dish Wild Ballyshannon's springy fish, And Sheelah, who had lately come To spider-brush, from Blunderdrum, Were dreaming, in a stole’n embrace, With Roger Moyle, and Redmond Scrace; And all the Vassals' senses lay Drown'd in the Whisky of the day.— Still rage'd the storm;-still, records run, All slept in Blarneygig, save one, Lord of the Castle, and Domain, Sir Tooleywhagg O'Shaughnashane.” d, to arty, the and —but they apdº ede- * After a certain period, Irishmen adopted Surnames, for the convenience of designation; and to prevent that confusion from which they have, to this day, kept so proverbially clear.—Hence, arose the “Os and Macs,'—meaning the ‘Sons of.”—The O'Tooles were, formerly, of high celebrity in Ireland, in times of convulsion, and insurrection; military of course;—even the Clergy fought.-Ware informs us (referring to a piece of Biography, publish’d by Purius,) that “ Lawrence O'Tool had an Archbishoprick.” It was a Dublin one. From the surname of the Knight of Blarneygig Castle, it is probable that the families of the O'Tooles and O'Shaughnashanes were allied, by inter- marriages. 48 POETICAL VAGARIES, III. He heard, or thought he heard, a sound Pierce through the hurly-burly round; A shriek, -a yell,—he knew not what, So from his night-couch up he got; Then through a peep-hole popt his head, And thus Sir Tooleywhagg he said; Standing the while, though something loth, In a short shirt of Irish cloth. IV. * Spake out,” he cried, “whose voice is that,” “ Shrill as a Tom Balruddery Cat?” “Come you a Fairy, good or ill,” “ My Bullocks to presarve or kill?” * “Bairuddery cat.”—The squall of a Bairuddery Cat is very annoying to those whose organs of hearing are unaccustom'd to it:-and equally so is the squall of any Cat, in any other place;—which may somewhat tend to diminish the peculiarity of the Cats of Balruddery. - THE LADY of THE wreck, &c. 49 ing “Or, only, does a Banshee” prowl,” “For somebody’s departing sowl '- “Haply you lurk, from Foemen nigh,” “My sea-side Castle's strength to spy,” “Who, on the morrow, may think fit” “To bother Blarneygig a bit:” “ Och if the latter, soon as light” “ Peeps over Murroughlaughlin's height,” “My Kernes, and Gallowglasses," here,” “Will shew you sport, with sparthe, and spear;” “And, sallying on my spalpeen Foe,” “Shout—Forroch Forroch S Bugg-abo!| * “A Banshee:”—a friendly Spirit, that gave a strong hint of an approach- ing Death, in an Irish Family.—There has been, it seems, a similar superna- tural retainer in Scotland;—denominated, by my great North-British Proto- type in Poetry, a Ben-Shie:–the last syllable, possibly, from the French, chier. + “The Irish of the middle ages had two sorts of Foot-Men, some call’d Galloglasses, arm’d, &c. &c.—Others lighter arm’d, call’d Turbiculi, by some Timburii, but, commonly, Kerns.”— Ware's Antiq. and Hist, of Ireland. f A Sparthe was an Irish weapon of war. § Forroch, Farah, or Ferragh.--"When they (the Irish) approach'd the Enemy so near as to be heard, they used this martial Cry–Farah! Farah!” —Ware's Antiq. and Hist. of Ireland. “The vulgar Irish suppose this War-song to have been Forroch, or Fer- ragh.”—Spencer's State of Ireland.” | Bugg-abo.—“They, likewise, call upon their Captain's name, or the word E. 50 POETICAL VAGARIES. V. Scarce had he said, when lightning play’d Full on the features of a Maid, Who, in the elemental shock, Stuck, like a limpet, to the rock. Rear'd o'er the surface of the flood, Her pallid cheek, her lip, life-blood, The blended colours seem'd to shew Of pearl, and coral, from below. Save that her dank dishevell’d hair Half hid her breast, her breast was bare;— What could be seen look’d firm, and white, As the rude rock she held so tight: Bare too was all her beauteous form, Stript by the unrelenting storm' of their Ancestors:—as under O'Neale they cry Landarg—abot’ &c. &c.— Spencer. - In short, Abo was a term of exultation, tantamount to ‘for ever” tack'd to, and shouted with, the principal part of the Estate which their Chieftain possess'd.-It is to be supposed, therefore, that a great part of Sir Tooley- whagg O'Shaughnashane's territory was BUGG. THE LADY of THE WRECK, &c. º - - - But, half in sea, and half on shore, A liquid petticoat she wore; And, as the undulating surge Did, to and fro, it’s fury urge, Just now and then, it left the tips Expose’d of two round polish’d hips; All downward else, her blush to save, Lay cover'd by the wanton wave:— But, oh her voice, from out the main, Seem’d sweeter than a Syren’s strain; And, while below the cliff she clung, Thus to Sir Tooleywhagg she sung. VI. 35ung. What linen so fine has the Bride put on " “What torch is her chamber bright’ning * The Bride is adrift, in a salt-water shift,” “And her candles are flashes of lightning.” E 2 52 POETICAL VAGARIES. “O! Thady Rann the Isle of Man” “ I left, and sail'd for you;” “I am very ill luck'd all night to be duck'd,” “ For keeping my promise true?” “O! Thady, your Bride cannot sleep by your side, “Go to bed to another lady;”— “ I must lie in the dark, with a whale, or a shark, “ Instead of my darling Thady.” VII. She pause’d;—for to the rock rush’d in A booming wave, above her chin ;- Which, haply, work'd her body’s good, For wholesome flows the briny flood, And, if the mouth a pint have caught, A fine aperient 'tis thought. * “O Alice Brand, my native land” “I left for love of you.” See the admirable Poem of the Lady of the Lake. 25 THE LADY of THE wreck, &c. 53 Sir Tooleywhagg, who heard the pause,” Was little conscious of the cause; For, now, pitch-dark was all the shore, And much he wish’d for an encore, Soon did the duck'd, recovering Fair, In varied strains, renew her air;-- Renew’d it, much in hopes to gain Sir Tooleywhagg O'Shaughnashane: For, when he first put out his head, Grace'd with a night-cap, died in red, Fire, that fore-runs the thunder-clap, Blaze'd on him, redder than his cap. "Twas then she mark’d his face, and mien, Plain, through his peep-hole, to be seen ; His eagle eye's commanding glance, His shoulder's broad, superb, expanse, His strong, uncover'd, ample chest, That look’d like so much brawn undrest: * The power of hearing a pause is a gift peculiar to the natives of Ireland. POETICAL VAGARIES. All that, in days of Chivalry, Fair Ladies wish'd their Knights to be ſ— She mark'd, and murmur'd, sighing deep, While through his hole he crouch'd to peep, “ If, stooping, with such charms he's deckt,” “ Gods ! what a man when he’s erect!” “ Yea, on a modest maiden's word,” “ This, this must be the Castle's Lord.” VIII. Well, too, she mark'd, with anxious eyes, A Bucket of capacious size, Suspended o'er the craggy beach, And close within the Chieftain’s reach; With many a roll of cord, to be Let down, at pleasure, to the sea;- Which for the Castle's use was made, Whene'er it suffer'd a blockade ; The LADY of THE wreck, &c. 55 | To draw up succours from the strand, * When the besieger press'd, on land:— And, thus, her plaint she warble'd strong, In all the euphony of song: Šung continued. º - Chieftain if thou canst at all” “ For a shipwreck’d Lady angle,” “ Clew me up thy Castle wall;” “. Near thee doth a Bucket dangle.” & º Chieftain leave me not to drown;” * Save a Maid without a smicket !” - º If the Bucket come not down,” “ Soon shall I be doom'd to kick it.” * This proves that the modern slang phrase of kicking the bucket, i. e. to die, is borrow'd from our ancestors. Multa renascentur, &c. 56 POETICAL VAGARIES. * Quick, oh! quick unwind the rope l’” “ If thou answer'st to my hope,” “Then, on Thee when Fate is frowning,” “ May a Rope prevent thy drowning!” IX. Ye Sons of Erin well 'tis known Your nature to the Sex is prone. South from Lough Swilly, to Tramore, From Kilcock to Knockealy’s shore,” Can ye resist, throughout your Isle, A Woman's tear, a Woman’s smile 2– And when did Beauty pour in vain Her plaint to an O'Shaughnashane When did a Maid, without a rag, Fail to affect a Tooleywhagg * These places are selected as cardinal points; being nearly the extremities of the North, East, West, and South, of the Island. “. Kilcock is further from the Sea.” “Than any of the other three,”—Anon. THE LADY of THE WRECK, &c. 57 Harsh creek’d the rope in its descent, And waggling down the Bucket went ; With fresh provision to be fraught, Fresher than ever yet it brought ! It reach'd the rock:-with eager hope, The sea-drench’d Fair One caught the rope; She sprang, the Bucket's mouth to win, And, light as gossamer, leaptin' X. Gaily the Chieftain plied his arms, Winding his welcome load of charms; At every twist, the dizzied Fair Rose, vacillating, in the air. He heard her shriek, soon heard her gasp, Then, caught the trembler in his grasp. Quick to the couch his Prize he bore, And chafe'd her shivering limbs all o'er:— 58 POETICAL VAGARIES. Strenuous to make the colour seek It’s wonted course upon her cheek, So well he minister'd his aid, To comfort, and revive the Maid, That, ere the Sky-lark plume'd his wing, The Maid was quite another thing ! - Now, on the oaks of Faughanwail,” Dash’d in cold globules by the gale, * This place may be found in the Maps. THE LADY of THE wreck, &c. 59 The pendent thunder-drops of Night Glitter'd, like gems, in orient light. Now vanish'd, from the Chieftain's room, The winking lamp's propitious gloom, And on the Fair One, as she lay, Morn’s golden Tell-tale shot his ray. Ah! when did Sun, declining, leave No Swain forsworn, twixt dawn and eve? When did the Day-Spring's glimmer find, Twixt eve and dawn, no Woman’s mind Had veer'd, like Dunfanaghy's" wind Bent, blushing, o'er the Chieftain's neck, Thus spoke the Lady of the Wreck. XII. 122 “ Oh! mighty Chief! oh!, potent man “ Send me not, now, to Thady Rann (* * This spot is, also, notice'd in the Maps of Ireland;—and the wind has been | observed to vary there quite as much as in any common situation upon a sea- 60 POETICAL VAGARIES, “What though (when from my native Isle” “ He sail'd, where he had moor'd awhile,)” “I rashly pledge'd my maiden truth” “ To follow soon that Ulster Youth;” “ Then left my home, his home to seek,” “ Near the cascades of moist Belleek;” “What though he hope’d the last night's tide.” “ Would waft into his arms a Bride;—” “ If, now, such silly bonds I burst,” “”Twas He was the Deceiver first;” º ‘’Twas Thady Rann decoy’d, and play’d” “ Upon the greenness of a maid;” º * Who, by her ancient parents mew’d,” “ Scarce any face but his had view’d;” “And gaze'd, in ignorant surprise,” “ On his red locks, and vacant eyes.”—. * “Passing, then, through the village of Belleek, I observe’d a succession of small Cascades continued for near two miles.” Twiss’s Tour in Ireland.-- This Author's testimony is indisputable.—The Ladies and Gentlemen of Erin may, still, remember how many cascades and rills he experience'd, even after his taking leave of the Island. THE LADY of the wreck, &c. 6 “Sudden my Change —but, tell me true,” “ (For, oh! I feel 'tis wrought by you !)” “ Does female Judgment, as 'tis call’d” “ By all the wrinkled, and the bald,” “ Creep o'er the mind by dull degrees º' “ Is Judgment slow in growth as Trees?” “Or comes it not, like lightning's flame,” « * Darting direct into our frame * - * Sure 'tis the last;-and, sure, since night,” “ My hour's arrive’d to judge aright.” “And why, Discernment’s heights to climb,” “ Must Woman mount the steps of Time * “Age grasps, with her experience'd lore,” “ But what young Talent grasps before ;” “ And no more knows the Matron dunce” “ Than Penetration, shews, at once.”— “Oh Chief! since, shipwreck'd on your shore,’ “I feel myself Myself no more,” 5. 62 POETICAL VAGARIES. “ Since I am, now, another I,” * Here let me ever live, and die!” XIII. The Hunter, who, upon the sands Of Innisfallen’s” islet stands, And marks the Stag, from steepy wood, Plunge, panting, in Killarney's flood, While mountains,—on whose shaggy head, Clouds, from the vast Atlantick, spread, Re-echo to the mellow sounds Of merry horns, and opening hounds,- The Hunter, then, feels less delight Than, now, did Blarneygig's gay Knight. * Darling !” he said, “when Thady Rann” “ Bother'd you, in the Isle of Man,” “You knew not, 'tis exceeding plain,” * Sir Tooleywhagg O'Shaughnashane;” * In the lake of Killarney. The LADY of the wreck, &c. 63 … * Knew not what difference must be” º * Twixt that Belleek Spalpeen and me:” º * Then let not on your conscience fall” º * The smallest qualm, at all, at all.” “ For your request,--I know not, I,” “ How, while you ever live, you’ll die;”— “ Unless you make (the heart o'erfull)” “What Strangers call an Irish Bull;- * If so, then live with me you may,” “And, living, die the Irish way.” The Castle's Mistress, now, array'd, * The Lady of the Wreck was made : Soon did the deep Cream Crutinº twang, And, thus, as loud the Chorus rang, The Vassals, at the Banquet, sang. * “ Creamthine Crut, or Cream Crutin, by the name imports the Harp (or Cruit) use’d at potations, or carousals; whence Cream.nual, a noisy drunken Company.”—Pallancey. Although the Cream Crutin (or Harp) be extinct, the Cream-nual (or noisy drunken Company) is to be found, without any difficulty of research, in al- most every part of the United Empire of Great Britain, 64 POETICAL VA GAR1 ES. B A N QUIET S O N G.3% XIV. Hail to our Chief! now he's wet through with Whiskey; Long Life to the Lady come from the salt seas Strike up, blind Harpers! skip high to be frisky | For what is so gay as a bag-full of fleas? * Here is to be observe'd the astonishing similarity of manners, and customs, ‘between the Irish and Scotch, in former days. How close is “ Whack for O'Shaughnashame 1–Tooleywhagg, ho!” to * Roderigh Vich Alpine Dhul ho ierhoe!”—See the Lady of the Lake. In the present instance, ’tis a Song at a Banquet ; in the latter, 'tis a Song in a Boat.—'Tis, merely, the difference betwixt Wine and Water.—The Was- sals, on both occasions, express their attachment to their Chief, and their ardour for his Crest:-One being an Evergreen Pine, the other a Potato. THE LADY of THE wreck, &c. 65 Crest of O'Shaughnashane!— That’s a Potato, plain,_ Long may your root every Irishman know ! Pats long have stuck to it, Long bid good luck to it; Whack for O'Shaughnashane !—Tooleywhagg, ho! XV. Our's is an esculent lusty, and lasting; No turnip, nor other weak babe of the ground; Waxy, or mealy, it hinders from fasting Half Erin's inhabitants, all the year round. Wants the soil, where 'tis flung, Hog's, cow's, or horse's dung, Still does the Crest of O'Shaughnashane grow : Shout for it, Ulster men, Till the bogs quake again! Whack for O'Shaughnashane!—Tooleywhagg, hol r 66 - POETICAL VAGARIES, XVI. Drink, Paddies, drink to the Lady so shining ! While flowret shall open, and bog-trotter dig, So long may the sweet Rose of Beauty be twining Around the Potato of proud Blarneygig While the plant vegetates, While Whiskey recreates, Wash down the root, from the horns that o'erflow; Shake your shillalahs, boys! Screeching drunk, scream your joys! Whack for O'Shaughnashane ! Tooleywhagg, hol XVII. Time rolls his course;”—now seems in haste, And now seems slow, as Cooks roll paste; * The Writer fears that he may, here, be thought to have stolen from the admirable Author of the Lady of the Lake:—He, only, borrows ;-and not all that the Author had to lend:—for the original runs * Time rolls his ceaseless course;”— and, as every body knows Time to be ceaseless, the present Writer (with all The LADY of the wreck, &c. 67. Rolling out vows from human dust, Soon to be broken, soon as crust' All, under Time, to ruin falls, Like Blarneygig's now moulder'd walls. The Lover’s, and the Dicer’s oath, The Patriot’s, falser, far, than both !— As Places, Luck, and Love decay, Like fleeting visions, pass away :— Nay, e'en thy holy Nuns, Kildare, Were doom'd Time’s rolling-pin to share º In thy chaste glooms, though Vestals swore To feed a flame for evermore, No flame unsanctifiedly light, But on St. Bridget's altar bright, E’en that, yes, e'en perpetual fire (At least in Ireland,) could expire; When England's King, the Pope to rout, his poverty of expression) felt no occasion to “spring a loan,” for the epi- thet. But the Author, above alluded to, has much to spare, and very much that is too good to relinquish. F 2 68 POET1CAL VAGARIES. Both Fire and Nuns, at once, put out.* No wonder, then, when three long years Had roll'd their course o'er mortal ears, The Lady of the Wreck should mark, Since first she swung up, in the dark, Affection wofully to flag, In all she prize’d,—Sir Tooleywhagg. XVIII. - - The grief of slighted love, supprest, Scarce dull'd her eye, scarce heave’d her breast :— Or if a Tear, she strove to check, A truant Tear, stole down her neck, It seem’d a drop that, with his bill, The Linnet scatters from a rill, Flirting his sweet, and tiny, shower Upon a milk-white April flower:- * Giraldus Cambrensis gives an account of this perpetual fire. Henry the Eighth, of England, extinguish’d it; and turn'd the Nuns adrift, to go the way of all flesh, - . The LADY of THE wreck, &c. 69 Or if a Sigh, breathe'd soft, and low, Escape'd her fragrant lips, e'en so The zephyr will, in heat of day, Between two rose-leaves fan it’s way. Not thus the Knight his tedium brook'd, Whene'er he from his peep-hole look’d: Oft as he look'd, still, high in air, He saw the Bucket dangling there; Then heave’d no sigh, but gave a groan, And grunted, loud, “Och, Hone! Och, Hone ſ” “ Och, Home!” he cried, “my pleasure’s cup” “ Was full that night I wound her up !” “ How will that night my pleasures crown,” “ If e'er it come, I wind her down ''' Ne'er came that night of joy;-but, oh! Soon came a moment full of wo; A moment horror-fraught!—which, oft, On the black peak of Klintertoft, 70 POETICAL VAGARIES." Beneath whose base the waters howl, Is boded by the fatal owl. XIX. Who best, in cattle, and domain, Could vie with the O'Shaughnashane : Who but the Chief of stature tall, Baron Fitz Gallyhogmagawl The Vulture, in his sweeping flight, Sail'd leagues and kept his grounds in sight; Nor could the swiftest Roebuck run Across his land twixt sun and sun : His towers were bosom'd high in wood, And at his gate fierce Wolf-Dogs stood. He had a Daughter passing fair, Once buxom, blithe, and debonnair: A year had flown since, first, it chance’d, With Blarneygig's bold Knight she dance'd ; The LADY of THE wreck, &c. 71 From that time forth, to bowers she crept, There pine’d in thought, and silent wept. Her Father, who, from day to day, Observe’d his daughter's health decay, Question'd her close;—she made a pause— Blush’d deep, then, faltering, own'd the cause; Own’d all that made her spirits flag Was—thinking on Sir Tooley whagg. “ Cease, Judy l’’ cried the Baron, “ cease” “ To grieve, for much I prize your Peace!” A hint, although the point was nice, Brought the wish'd Bridegroom, in a trice; For both desire and interest sway’d The ready Knight to wed the Maid; And his resolves, in accents cold, The Lady of the Wreck he told. XX. She heard.—and pallid grew her cheek, - - | --- | - - - - |-- | - - º º º º -- - - º | |- Nor did she soon essay to speak. 72 POETICAL VAGARIES. Her fiery eyeball shot a gleam That scarce from mortal eye could stream ; Her ghastly form assume'd the cast of withering Spectres, when they blast.* At length, as tight his hand she grasp'd, And with a Ring his finger clasp'd, A dismal hollow laugh she gave, Like sounds that issue from a grave. º * Thy Bridal Couch,” she cried, “ bedeck” - * Far from the Lady of the Wreck;” “ But, oh, beware 1–this Ring, false heart!” “ Must never from thy finger part:” º • When off 'tis ta'en” she could no more, But, headlong, to the billows’ roar, Sprang, from his chamber, to the shore. * This word, formerly of awful dignity, is now so vulgarly familiarize’d, that it shocks us, every day, from the mouths of low wretches, when applied to the eyes and limbs of the human species.—It should not, however, lose its consequence, and force, because it is abuse'd.—Shakspeare introduces it ener- getically, when talking of the Ghost in Hamlet:- “I’ll cross it, though it blast me!” THE LADY of the wreck, &c. 73 The while her fearful leap she took, 'Tis said, the Giant's Causeway shook;- Death on the waves to meet her roll’d, And wrapp'd her in a watery fold. END OF CANTO FIRST. THE LADY OF THE WRECK; or, CASTLE BLARNEY G. I.G. CANTO SECOND. * A Rat, a Rat!—dead, for a ducat!"—SHAKSPEARE. * Out, out, brief Candle "—DITTo. I. “ THE Egg is daintiest when 'tis swallow’d new,” “And Love is sweetest in the Honey-moon;” “ The egg grows musty, kept a whole month through,” * And marriage bliss will turn to strife as soon.” * The tourmure of thought, in this Stanza, is, confessedly, indebted to that sweet commencement of the fourth Canto in the Lady of the Lake; where a Bridegroom “Stands a wakeful Sentinel,”—and then plucks a Rose. What a happiness! what an elegant novelty in that idea!—to make the Bride- groom perform the usual business of the Bride!—to convert the expression of “plucking a Rose,” which has, hitherto, been, figuratively, applied to the mystick garden irrigations of a Lady, into a much more proper matter-of-fact operation of a Gentleman. “ The Rose is fairest when 'tis budding new,” &c. &c. See Lady qf the Lake, -4th Canto, THE LADY of THE wreck, &c. 75 “ O' butter'd egg best eaten with a spoon,” “ I bid your yelk glide down my throat’s red lane;” “ Emblem of Love, and Strife, in Wedlock's boon'ſ"— Thus spake, at breakfast, the O'Shaughnashane, What time his Bride, in bed, napping full late was lain. II. Conceits more fond than this he pour’d,—f Conceits with which False Taste is store’d ; Such as, of late, alas! are broach'd By those who have the spot approach'd Where Poesy, once, cradle’d lay, And stole’n her baby-clothes away:- * Young Norman says to the Rose, (how pretty to talk to a Rose!) “I bid your blossoms in my bonnet wave.” If the weather were quite calm, he, probably, shook his head, with his bon. net on;–otherwise it may be suppose'd he had much less chance of being obey'd by the rose, than Sir Tooley whagg by the egg, who was popping it down his throat with a spoon. tº “Such fond Conceit, half said, half sung.” - - Lady of the Lake, 4th Cantos 76 POETICAL VAGARIES. Conceits, in Song's primeval dress, Of, oh!, such pretty prettiness That the inveigling beldame Muse Seems a sham Virgin from the stews; Or, in her second childhood wild, The doting Nurse that apes the Child.— With such conceits, such feathery lead,” Which either may be sung or said, Mock Fancy fill'd the Bridegroom's head; While the first egg-shell he scoop’d clean, Since he a Married Man had been. 'Twas only on the night before That Father Murtoch, of Kilmore, Had join’d him to his all in all, Judy Fitz Gallyhogmagawl. º, * “O heavy lightness! serious vanity!” “Mis-shapen chaos of well-seeming forms!” “FEATHER OF LEAD, bright smoke!” &c. Thus says Shakspeare of Love:-but far be it from the Author of this idle Poem to speak thus, generally, of the Lady of the Lake t THE LADY of THE wreck, &c. 77 III. * Revere'd by all was Murtoch's worth, Though mystery involve'd his birth :* For when his Mother, on a mat, - Watching a Corpse, at midnight, sat, a The Body rose, and strain’d her charms, Almost two minutes, in it’s arms. , From which embrace, too soon, she found Her ſace grow long, her waist grow round *Till, Prudes, first, tattling o'er her fate, Bid Scorn proclaim her in a state * See Brian, the Priest. (Lady of the Lake, Canto 3d )—In a Note, rela- tive to this personage, proving that the idea of his origin arose from a tradi- tional story, a curious passage is quoted from Macfarlane; who gives an ac- count of one Gilli-Doir-Magrevollich. This tooth-breaking name signifies the Black Child, son to the Bones. The Black Child's mamma went to a hill, one day, on a party of pleasure, with “both wenches and youthes,” to gather the bones of dead men 1–and they made a fire on the spot. “At last, they did all remove from the fire, except one maid, or wench:-She being quietlie her alone, without anie other companie, took up her cloaths above her knees, or thereby, to warm her; a wind did come, and caste the ashes upon her, and she was conceived of ane man-child.”—How much more appropriately than Eneas might Gilli-Doir- Magrevollich have invoked the “cineres et ossa parentis" POETICAL VAGARIES. Which Women wish to be, ’tis said, Who love their Lords, before they’re dead. Exact at midnight, nine months o'er, A little Skeleton she bore. Soon as produce'd, amid the gloom, Two glow-worms crept into the room, Up to it’s skull began to rise, The sockets fill’d, and gave it eyes, O'er every joint did spiders rove, Where, busily, their webs they wove; The Cabin smoke their texture thin Soon thicken'd, 'till it form’d a skin, “ Now it may pass,” the Mother cried, * May pass for human!”—and she died. IV. This Tale was told by Age and Youth; But who can vouch for Rumour's truth? THE LADY of THE wreck, &c. 79. And, yet, though falsehood quick is hatch'd, 'Tis certain, when the Corpse she watch'd, She watch'd alone;—or watch'd, at least, With no one,—save a reverend Priest; Whose duty 'twas to see the clay Mingle'd with kindred earth, next day. True, he was ruddy, tall, and stout, And young, but then he was devout ;- A rigid, stanch, and upright soul, And excellent, upon the whole. Much could he have divulge’d, but fled From questioning, and shook his head. Yet, once, it hapt, when closely task'd, With much solemnity he ask'd, “ If unbegotten 'tis by Me,” “ Whose but the Corpse's can it be * This speech. that spread from roof to roof, To Irishmen was certain proof: Proof that, when mooted whether Shade Or Substance can have force’d a Maid, -- + • *** £-? Ezº º5 †;TE TE* E --！= № ·± 3= ?... ► ºº £ C)Ëcae• → , ：Þ*|8© ： q， č &,. ， （ º ）;$ $; cae>caecae©&oſ)e-+ #Ť∞:�€.----*::"№b«3 Q$3 ）;.ſn 5 （„ “№=; rc: r-+ →>;-，----c3• §|-©© :E3：-）? O== rc:3 :º ： ğº "3 ！§ 3±