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 "^ 
 
 WALKER. STREET & DOOUTTLE ^^^ 
 
 NEW YORK ^ i. 
 
THE MASTER 
 OF THE "PIFFLE 
 
 A PSYCHOLOGICAL PHANTASMAGORIA 
 IN FIVE SCREAMS AND A KICK. 
 
 INCLUDING AN ANCIENT AZTEC 
 FORMULA FOR SCIENTIFIC TREAT- 
 MENT OF INTERNAL TROUBLES. 
 
 By LIND C. DOYLE. jR. 
 

 Copyright, 1914 
 By Jeromb Lewis Roberts 
 
 JUL --9 1314 
 
 ©CI.A376630 
 
To the Memory 
 
 of 
 
 Hon. STEPHEN A. DOUGLAS 
 
 A Senator from Illinois 
 
 "Whenever you recognize the rirht of a President 
 to say to a member of Congress, 'Vote as I tell you' 
 or I will bring a power to bear against you at home 
 which will crush you' you destroy the independence 
 of the representative and convert him into a tool 
 of the Executive power. I resisted this invasion of 
 the Constitutional rights of a Senator, and I intend 
 to resist it as long as I have a voice to speak or 
 a vote to give". 
 
 (Speech at Alton, Oct., 15, 1858) 
 
 ASPIRATION. 
 
 "His gentle spirit rolls, in the melody of souls 
 "Which is pretty, but I don't know what it means." 
 
APOLOGY. 
 
 ''When 'Onicr smote 'is hloouiin Lyre 
 " 'E'd 'eard men sing by land and sea 
 
 "And ivot 'E thought 'E might require 
 "'£ zvent an' took — the same as me. 
 
 (Kipling.) 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 SCREAM 1— Diplomatic Ideals 
 
 By The Beaver 
 
 SCREAM II— Psychological Democracy 
 
 By The Bellman 
 
 SCREAM III— Peons and Pills 
 
 By The Bellman 
 
 SCREAM IV— BoojuMS and Sneeks 
 
 By The Bellman 
 
 SCREAM V— The New Freedom 
 
 By The Bellman 
 
 A KICK— Addressed to the American Citizen 
 
 By The Author 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 The author cannot escape an acknowl- 
 edgment of his debt to the late Lewis 
 Carroll for much of the machinery and 
 symbolism of this work. "The Master of 
 the Tiffle'" like "The Hunting of the 
 Snark" is an attempt to provoke serious 
 political thought under cover of "non- 
 sense verse." Credit should also be given 
 to a well known Talking Machine Com- 
 pany for the Musical Medley in Scream 
 IV. 
 
 Some explanation of the Ancient Az- 
 tec Formula may be desired. In 
 spite of the Bellman's confident assertion 
 of its simplicity, the lay reader will 
 find it better to "accept it in prin- 
 ciple" and ignore trivial details. The 
 
principle demonstrated (a-]^b-\-c=o) is 
 sufficient. 
 
 The Formula itself should be read mus- 
 ically and diplomatically, passing over 
 important points as lightly as possible. 
 
 The dash (— ) should be read always 
 "wm?«"— all temptations to the contrary 
 notwithstanding. 
 
 It has been questioned whether, in the 
 equation ''21—D—n', the ''21" should be 
 emphasized (like the h in Hades) or si- 
 lent (like the p in Psychology). Un- 
 doubtedly the best way is to read it over 
 twice, emphasizing the '*2i guns" (like 
 Hades) the first time, and only enunciat- 
 ing the second term of the equation the 
 second. In the same Scream the word 
 ''brandeised" should be pronounced in 
 three syllables and with the long i. 
 
The only originality claimed is the ne- 
 bulous lucidity in which a semi-occult but 
 Crystalline Psychology is draped. 
 
 Another word. The author stands 
 sponsor for no unauthorized interpreta- 
 tions of this ''pome." All such are at 
 readers risk. 
 
 L. C. DOYLE, JR. 
 
SCREAM I. 
 
 DIPLOMATIC IDEALS 
 
 The good "Piffle" lay in the bight of the 
 bay 
 
 With her colors afloat at her peak ; 
 
 She was purely bedight, in dazzling white, 
 
 Adorned with a fine Yellow Streak. 
 
The Master of the "Piffle' 
 
 On deck lay a Beaver who peacefully 
 
 snoozed, ' 
 
 His head, fossilif'rous and fat. 
 
 Adorned with (the only adornment he 
 used) 
 
 A richlv embroidered Cocked Hat. 
 
 A tremulous torrent of words to the face 
 
 The slumbering Beaver awoke 
 
 And, promptly chatauquing (with pon- 
 derous grace), 
 
 In piffulous accents he spoke. 
 lO 
 
Diplomatic Ideals 
 
 "Come listen to me," said the Beaver, in 
 glee, 
 
 "While I tell the infallible signs 
 
 That the Piffle is sailed by the Bellman 
 and me 
 
 On loftiest statesmanlike lines. 
 
 We run her on Rhomboids, we run her 
 on Reefs, 
 
 On Romance and Rhetoric rare, 
 
 We run her by meeting political griefs 
 
 With figments of frozen Hot Air. 
 
 II 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 Whenever the Bellman performs on his 
 bell 
 
 Or issues commands to the crew, 
 
 The Lobsters emit an admiring yell 
 
 Of 'Isn't that perfectly true.' 
 
 The Royal device which our owner has 
 planned 
 
 And considers remarkably fit 
 
 Is 'Dirigo,' meaning, as I understand, 
 
 In popular phrase, T am It.' 
 
 12 
 
Diplomatic Ideals 
 
 But the power which casts such a won- 
 derful spell 
 
 And shows his remarkable worth 
 
 Is the ease of his pose while he's ringing 
 his bell 
 
 In every language on earth. 
 
 To establish his power of standing alone 
 
 He makes his linguistics complete 
 
 By using a language entirely unknown 
 
 But which sounds irresistibly sweet. 
 13 
 
The Master of the *'Piffle" 
 
 When weather is thick, he's simply a brick 
 And the crew are convinced all is well 
 
 When he writes in the log, 'This ain't 
 much of a fog' 
 
 And calmly performs on his bell. 
 
 His Convictions are real — made of Pvub- 
 ber and steel — 
 
 But elusive and spry like a frog 
 
 And he covers their gist with a luminous 
 mist 
 
 Like a biograph shown in a fog. 
 14 
 
Diplomatic Ideals 
 [lis lofty Ideals are frequently backed 
 
 By a change in political Creeds 
 And a modification of statements of fact 
 
 To suit Argumentative needs. 
 
 His diplomacy frail, wears a nebulous 
 veil, 
 
 Being sinuous, wavy and neat. 
 
 So it easily takes in a Tenpenny Nail 
 
 And turns out a Corkscrew complete. 
 15 
 
The Master of the 'Tiffle" 
 
 And next you should know of his 'Diet of 
 Crow' " 
 
 (Here the Beaver broke off with a sob) 
 
 "He handed a Hat to an Eminent foe 
 
 And gave him a Cabinet Job. 
 
 In diplomacy, industry, finance, or war 
 
 He can thread the most intricate maze, 
 
 Each threatening crisis he calmly will 
 floor 
 
 By a highly felicitous phrase. 
 l6 
 
Diplomatic Ideals 
 
 While quite without flaw, in respect for 
 the law, 
 
 Constitutions are wax in his hands. 
 
 Though he knows that of course he's 
 bound to enforce 
 
 Constitutions in neighboring lands. 
 
 In Foreign Relations his method is sound, 
 
 It convinces, delights and allures; 
 
 It is simply to send his chief officer 'round 
 
 On lucrative lecturing tours. 
 17 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 I'm sorry to notice it's growing so late, 
 For I've an appointment to treat 
 
 For Riparian Rights on Occasions of State 
 With a trader who Uves up the street. 
 
 I know that the Monster of Money will 
 jeer, 
 
 But it's awfully hard" (here a sigh) 
 
 "To live on a meagre twelve thousand a 
 year, 
 
 With living so horribly high." 
 i8 
 
SCREAM 11. 
 
 PSYCHOLOGICAL DEMOCRACY 
 
 "He may come with a Toga or come with a 
 Mace 
 
 He may come with a grouch or a grin, 
 
 With snowy lace curtains adorning his 
 face 
 
 Or a lambrequin under his chin. 
 
 19 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 But if there's a character which I detest 
 
 (I'm perfectly wilHng to own) 
 
 It is that pestilential pestiferous pest 
 
 From Missouri, who 'wants to be 
 shown.' 
 
 A crew that was anxious to live at its ease 
 
 Or was made of the genuine stuff, 
 
 Would give a submissive and synchronous 
 sneeze 
 
 Whenever its Bellman took snuff. 
 20 
 
Psychological Democracy 
 
 The function of followers is to be led 
 And hence it is no one's concern 
 
 If I choose to go backward at **full speed 
 ahead" 
 Or forward at ''full speed astern." 
 
 If I happen to spread all the canvass be- 
 low 
 
 And stow all the cargo aloft 
 
 It's sufficient to murmur ''He surely must 
 know" 
 
 And you cannot repeat it too oft. 
 
 21 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 There's a high moral maxim that's true if 
 not trite 
 
 And can be controverted by none. It 
 
 Is not *'He has done it because it is right" 
 
 But "Its right just because he has done 
 it." 
 
 This talk of adjourning I'm sorry to learn, 
 It approaches insurgency's border. 
 
 The one proper time for a crew to adjourn 
 Is just when I give it the order. 
 
 22 
 
Psychological Democracy 
 I feel that my crew is sturdy and true 
 
 When leisure's allowed for reflection 
 And only just now has it started a row 
 
 (To the best of my own recollection). 
 
 'Twill quickly discover the meat in the 
 
 When I flourish my whip o'er its head 
 
 Oh, its lovely to see it just sit up and beg 
 
 Or calmly lie down and play dead. 
 23 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 Vox Populi (so it has often been said) 
 
 Is exactly the same as Vox Dei 
 
 But for practical purposes (don't be mis- 
 led) 
 
 A far safer reading" is Mei. 
 
 I know the conspiracy up in New York 
 
 At your peril you aid or abet it, 
 
 For whenever it comes to dispensing of 
 Pork 
 
 Vox Populi's mine. Don't forget it. 
 24 
 
Psychological Democracy 
 
 This Merchant's Conspiracy is, I'm afraid, 
 Deep-rooted. For what do I see? 
 
 A failure for forty-four million is made 
 Expressly to irritate me. 
 
 They may gloom, glower, glimmer with 
 glances morose 
 
 Or squeal till it echoes and thrills, 
 
 Fm simply determined to give 'em a dose 
 
 Of my Patent Political Pills. 
 25 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 When Psychology gives them a pain in 
 their necks 
 
 And insolvents are praying for fires, 
 
 They've only to get psychological checks 
 
 From pure psychological buyers. 
 
 A Fact'ry, ignoring all "mights, woukls or 
 coulds," 
 
 When it stands on Insolvenc3''s borders, 
 
 Should busily make psychological goods 
 
 On fine psychological orders. 
 26 
 
Psychological Democracy 
 
 When psychology's turning his black 
 locks to gray 
 
 And cares thro' his harried head hurtle, 
 
 The workman on gay ps3^chological pay 
 
 Will eat psychological turtle. 
 
 With cheerful psychology raising their 
 rates 
 
 The Roads, gaily waving their flippers. 
 
 Will gleefully haul psychological freights 
 
 From glad psychological shippers. 
 27 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 As a fruit of this pure psychological trance 
 
 Hens will lay psychological Eggs, 
 
 Hypothetical Hebrews will make misty 
 pants 
 
 For pure psychological legs. 
 
 To the Purpose of Providence always I'm 
 priv- 
 
 Y and (showing I'm fitted to lead 'em) 
 
 A Boom to the Big Business Interests I'll 
 give 
 
 In My New Constitution of Freedom. 
 28 
 
Psychological Democracy 
 
 But one final fact I wish to relate, 
 
 (Though you may consider it funny), 
 
 The most psychological Servant of State 
 Won't take psychological money. 
 
 And then I have fears (here he melted in 
 tears) 
 
 I've even a horrible hunch 
 
 That the Boojum is free, and preparing for 
 me 
 
 No mere psychological punch. 
 29 
 

 FORMULA. 
 
 
 Assume b 
 
 b 
 = — ana a ^=^-r- 
 a 
 
 
 
 . ^ = c IF .1' — y = 
 
 - <v 
 
 Transpose 
 
 .1- — ^ = 3; 
 
 
 . 
 
 •. (if a- =/)/> = 
 
 q 
 
 
 ajid V.r = n 
 
 
 Restate if 
 
 c — ,t' = ^ and zv" 
 
 3= u 
 
 / 
 
 ' (ab-\-c) pdq. 
 
 
 Unstate if 
 
 a — b 
 
 — hr 1 T 
 
 
 ^ — p,v -]- / 
 
 ? 
 
 21 — D—n 
 
 
 Mi state if 
 
 tan {^ — c) <cos 
 
 (.y) 
 
 Coneliision 
 
 A -^ B + C =:0 
 
 
 30 
 
SCREAM III. 
 
 PEONS AND PILLS 
 
 "You may rouse me with metaphors, mag- 
 
 gots and mice 
 
 Or with quirks, quibbles, quillets and 
 quills 
 
 But surely there's nothing so thoroughly 
 nice 
 
 As a Passion for Peons and Pills. 
 31 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 I jiever was born, to Mentally Mourn 
 
 O'er mere Psychological griefs 
 But in agony deep, I incessantly weep 
 
 When I think of the Mexican fiefs. 
 
 A Remedy which many years I have kept 
 
 Would cure all these Mexican ills 
 
 If the petulant peons would only accept 
 
 My Patent Political Pills. 
 32 
 
Peons and Pills 
 
 You may take them in tariffs or take them 
 in tolls 
 
 For National fevers or chills 
 
 Since germs of decadence are murdered in 
 shoals 
 
 By these Patent Political Pills. 
 
 I make them of Maxims transcendently 
 wise 
 
 I mix them in Mist (slightly wet) 
 
 Then add some Ideals (with capital I's 
 
 And the very best Deals I can get.) 
 33 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 A flavor of Dreams, such as poets have j 
 hymned 
 
 A measure of Conscience (Refined) 
 
 And a trace of Ambition, tenaciously 
 trimmed, 
 
 With a passion for Serving Mankind. ! 
 
 This recipe's only intended for minds 
 
 Of a high intellectual sort, 
 
 But I've made out (for people of Com- 
 moner kinds) 
 
 A Formula simple and short. 
 
 See note at end of Scream. j 
 
 34 i 
 
 i 
 i 
 
Peons and Pills 
 
 No mere lack of culture unfits you to 
 tread 
 
 I The maze of this sweet syllogism 
 
 Its Perfectly Plain if you stand on your 
 Head 
 
 And look at the thing through a prism. 
 
 And surgeons have said that when care- 
 fully read 
 
 This Cryptic and Crystalline Thesis 
 
 ' Brings Bats to the Belfry or Wheels to 
 
 the Head 
 
 And produces Perceptive Paresis. 
 
 35 
 
The Master of the "Piffle' 
 
 h 
 
 For b= — it is plain 
 a 
 
 
 
 Then &=f, (a remarkable gain) 
 When X — 3'=^. 
 
 Transposing it x — ^=3' 
 
 And, (if .r equal unity.) then 
 
 If pzzzq it is evident why 
 yx—n 
 
 36 
 
Peons aivd Pills 
 
 Restating: If c=x — ^ 
 
 And zv^^^u 
 
 The point is how shall u determine the 
 value 
 
 Of {ab-{-c) pdq. 
 
 Unstating if - — ^ 
 
 =pA'-\-nuity then 
 
 (So the formula runs) Are 21 guns 
 
 Worth a Tin Merchant's D — n? 
 37 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 Mis-stating: If tan (^ — e) 
 
 <Cos. (y) 
 
 You can easily see that Grapejuice and 
 Tea 
 
 Are the best Coefficients for Pie. 
 
 This Formula — (work of the labor of 
 years) 
 
 May show, (as I grieve to admit) 
 
 As a final result — (here he burst into 
 tears) 
 
 That A B & C = nit 
 38 
 
Peons and Pills 
 
 I play it in Persian, I paint it in Pink 
 
 I solve it in Swedish and Spanish ; 
 
 In Aztec, which one would assuredly 
 think 
 
 Would cause apprehension to vanish. 
 
 But the moral effect on Niagara Park 
 
 Might be (and it troubles me much) 
 
 That the Bandersnatch could'nt get hold 
 of the Snark 
 
 Which would certainly put it in Dutch. 
 39 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 I hold the Snark guilty of arson and rape 
 
 I chafe him with anxious alarms 
 
 I tempt him with Truces and tie him with 
 Tape 
 
 While sending the Bandersnatch arms.. 
 
 (My idea of an Armistice, let me remark 
 
 Is a vision of beauty and grace, 
 
 Its simply to muzzle the jaws of the Snark 
 
 While the Bandersnatch scratches his 
 face). 
 
 40 
 
Peons and Pills 
 
 I am not so deeply in ignorance sunk 
 
 As to think that a horrid Deceiver 
 
 Like a Snark, can compete when he's 
 thoroughly drunk 
 
 With a sober intelligent Beaver. 
 
 He'll fan him with figments factitiously 
 spun 
 
 Of fictions and foibles and frills 
 
 He'll offer him doses of t6 to i 
 
 And my Patent Political Pills. 
 41 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 'Tis hard to sit silent and Watchfully 
 Wait 
 
 But I grudge not the labor or tears 
 
 For it shows to the World, Who's inher- 
 ently great 
 
 (A thing I've suspected for years) 
 
 Then seemed to be borne by a northerly 
 gale 
 
 As the mainsail filled out with a flap 
 
 A whisper which made the poor Bellman 
 turn pale 
 
 "The Beaver is pushed off the map" — 
 42 
 
Peons and Pills 
 
 "I cannot believe it," he shrieked in af- 
 fright 
 
 'Twould blast the Ideals of years, 
 
 Its only some hideous vision of night 
 
 Compounded of grape juice and sneers. '* 
 
 Like the nightmare (which gives me a 
 horrible pain 
 
 And makes me unable to flee) 
 
 That the Boojum is back from the Wed- 
 ding in Spain 
 
 To dispense what is coming to me. 
 
 Note.— The expression "6 = — should be 
 
 read "b equals b over a" and V^=«, "the 
 square root of x equals n". 
 
 Tan ($ — c) and Cos (v) are "tangent of 
 Phi minus c" and * Cosine of y", respectively. 
 
 The sign < reads "is less than". 
 
 43 
 
SCREAM IV. 
 
 BOOJUMS AND SNEERS 
 
 You may rouse me with Grapejuice or 
 rouse me with squills, 
 
 May move me to laughter or tears ; 
 
 I'll still have a passion for peons and pills 
 
 And horror, of Boojums and Sneers. 
 
 44 
 
 1 
 
BoojUMS AND Sneers 
 
 My Personal mien, toward 1916 
 
 Is modest, receptive and free. 
 
 If the Boojum should fling his Hat in the 
 ring 
 
 Who knows what would happen to me? 
 
 Whenever I see a Dentiferous Grin 
 
 With a bellicose beam in its eye 
 
 My current of courage grows thready and 
 thin 
 
 And I feel unaccountably shy. 
 45 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 From visions of night I wake in affright 
 
 As the Boojum oiitgrabes on the heath 
 
 And moonbeams which shine with a sil- 
 very light 
 
 Refract from his Eminent Teeth 
 
 Last evening I woke with a horrified 
 shout 
 
 **Oh Boojum why haste 3''e to roam 
 
 In searching for dubious Rivers of Doubt 
 
 When I've perfect Oceans at home." 
 
 46 
 
 ! 
 
BoojUMS AND Sneers 
 
 Whenever he makes his Triumphant Re- 
 turns 
 
 From junketings over the sea 
 
 The heart in my bosom indignantly burns 
 
 At the Personal Insult to Me. 
 
 When I hear the Earth shake to his pon- 
 derous tread 
 Or his Smile gleams athwart of my 
 hawse 
 
 My tongue stands erect on the top of my 
 head 
 
 And my Similes stick to my jaws. 
 
 47 
 
The Master of the "Piffle'' 
 
 If ever I sit up especially late 
 Or am feeling remarkably blue, 
 
 I seem to remember the Baker's sad fate 
 And his horrible shriek : — ''Its a Boo — " 
 
 I bathe him in bathos, I bait him with 
 bread 
 
 I treat him with treacle and toffee ; 
 
 But I cannot escape a delirious dread 
 
 That he may take a Third Cup of 
 Coffee. 
 
 48 
 
BoojuMs AND Sneers 
 
 He fills me with woes though he certainly 
 knows 
 
 That purest pneumatics I preach 
 
 From the time of the Prince known as 
 Louis the Quince 
 
 To Louis the brandeised Peach. 
 
 But I keep my bell ringing whatever be- 
 tides 
 
 In mellifluous figures of speech 
 
 Like a disc that has music on both of its 
 sides 
 
 And a different record on each. 
 
 49 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 Its natural charm and perfection of tone 
 (In which all admit it excels) 
 
 Has the stately sonority of the Trombone 
 And the clearness of Orchestra Bells. 
 
 Now, the trill of the Piccolo, birdlike and | 
 thin 
 
 Or the tremulous sound of the lute 
 
 And again blending sweetly the vague 
 violin 
 
 With the low dulcet voice of the flute 
 50 
 
BoojUMS AND Sneers 
 
 'Tis only one Bell and one Bellman and 
 yet 
 
 We range in our neophyte knell 
 
 From the pure golden tone of the cheerful 
 Cornet 
 
 To the Orchestra's marvellous swell. 
 
 Yet, (isn't it hard?) he plays in my yard 
 
 Without the least thought of apology 
 
 And I hear him insist that his ponderous 
 fist 
 
 Will knock the ''sigh" out of Psycho- 
 logy. 
 
 51 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 When I'm seeking Specifics both simple 
 and sure 
 
 For woes which our finances fetter 
 
 And doubt whether Metaphor, mingled or j 
 
 pure 
 
 Or strong striking Similes better. 
 
 And the Monster of Money I'm ready to 
 bind 
 
 With my thoughts soaring high and 
 yet higher 
 
 And there comes on the wings of the 
 Whispering Wind 
 
 A word sounding something like L'yie. 
 52 
 
BoojUMs AND Sneers 
 
 I know that the Boojnm (Ah, there is the 
 rub) 
 
 While singing his popular song 
 
 Is electing some Dub to the Scriptural 
 Club 
 
 Which he runs while he does not be- 
 long. 
 
 I envy the sailors who fight, bleed and die 
 
 F'or two hundred dollars a year, 
 
 For the bullet is easier far to defy 
 
 Than the subtle and sibilant sneer. 
 53 
 
SCREAM V. 
 
 THE NEW FREEDOM 
 
 I quote them from Pindar, I quote them 
 from Paul 
 
 From Malthus, Ricardo and Mill 
 
 I move them with motives and metaphors 
 —all 
 
 Constructed with infinite skill. 
 
 54 
 
The New Freedom 
 
 But if ever Imperative Laws I demand 
 For Personal Reasons of State 
 
 Some insolent Senator's sure to arise 
 Insisting on useless debate. 
 
 I rouse them with Rhetoric, Ruffles and 
 Rice 
 
 I move them to mirth and to sobs. 
 
 I offer them highly Judicious Advice 
 
 (Relating to Government Jobs). 
 55 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 But they talk about Commerce and Cab- 
 bage and Corn 
 
 Of Banking and Business and Pork, 
 
 Of Conspirators lorn, who Mentally 
 Mourn 
 
 In the purlieus of lower New York. 
 
 What are sickness and health, unemploy- 
 ment or wealth 
 
 Prosperity, Profits or Freights 
 
 (And the Beaver replied, in an accent of 
 pride 
 
 "They are mere Psychological States"). 
 
 56 
 
The New Freedom 
 
 But the Bellman continued "This country 
 of ours 
 
 Should really, I've frequently said, 
 
 Vest all of its diffr'ent co-ordinate powers 
 
 In an Able Responsible Head." 
 
 Then Congress, eschewing all Futile De- 
 bate 
 
 Would send Me a statement of fact 
 
 I'd adjourn it, and then it would watch- 
 fully Wait 
 
 Till I told it what laws to enact. 
 57 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 With infinite skill, a suitable bill 
 
 I'd promptly and carefully draw 
 
 And this I would send — without right to 
 amend — 
 
 For speedy enactment in law. 
 
 I should write it in Sanskrit or write it in 
 Dutch 
 
 , (Both easily at my command) 
 
 Or in some other one of the languages 
 such 
 
 As our Congressmen don't understand. 
 
 58 
 
The New Freedom 
 
 Should they venture to offer a captious 
 complaint 
 
 That my meaning was quite out of 
 reach 
 
 I'd soothe 'em with quillets, quixotic and 
 quaint 
 
 In mellifluous figures of speech. 
 
 Undoubtedly then it would go to the 
 Senate 
 
 Who, tactfully loath to offend 
 
 Would ask (with a moan) o'er the Presi- 
 dent's 'phone 
 
 If the President wished to amend. 
 
 59 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 If I didn't say ''crush it"; They surely 
 would rush it 
 
 And send it to me to be signed 
 
 And this, it is true, I should probably do 
 
 Unless I had altered my mind. 
 
 But should there be sound, constitutional 
 ground 
 
 For doubt that the Courts could en- 
 force, 
 
 The Judge would agree to refer it to me ^ 
 
 And I'd cheerfully tell him of course. 
 60 
 
The New Freedom 
 
 This method is slow, and cumbrous 1 
 know 
 
 I could shorten, Improve and Refine it 
 
 Should I quietly draw, the requisite law 
 
 And simply but formally sign it. 
 
 In its libellous, laxative, license — the 
 Press 
 
 Is a menace to true liberty 
 
 And the cure (I am really obliged to con- 
 fess) 
 
 Is to leave the v/hole business to me. 
 6i 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 A courage I'll need, you will see at a 
 
 glance 
 
 Which never turns backward or halts," 
 
 (And the Crab and the Crawfish came for- 
 ward to dance 
 
 A meticulous Mexican Waltz). 
 
 62 
 
A "KICK". 
 
 TO THE AMERICAN CITIZEN. 
 
 'Tis said, at his worst, King Charley the 
 First 
 
 Demanded but this of his nation : 
 
 No Christians or Jews should dissent from 
 his views 
 
 And He should control legislation. 
 
 The Fathers who founded this nation of 
 ours 
 
 (To prevent usurpations and treasons) 
 
 Established co-ordinate separate powers 
 
 For good, sound and permanent reasons. 
 
 63 
 
The Master of the "Piffle" 
 
 "Old Man Knowall" 'tis clear, was buried 
 last year 
 
 And unless you'd be laid on the shelf 
 
 As a citizen gay of this great U. S. A. 
 
 Do some Unwaitful Watching, yourself. 
 
 HERE ENDETH THE FIRST INNING. 
 
 64 
 
At wholesale 
 
 J. L. ROBERTS 
 
 1487 Eatt^th Street 
 
 Brooklyn. N. Y. 
 Apply by letter only.