HI rw PS 3 5-^5" PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY J5 CENTS EACH p CRANFORD DAMES. 2 Scenes; i]4 hours 8 GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. 1 Act; 30 minutes 7 CHEERFUL. COMPANION". 1 Act; 25 minutes 2 LESSON IN ELEGANCE. 1 Act; CO minutes 4 MAIDENS ALL FORLORN. 3 Acts; 1J4 hours 6 MURDER WILL OUT. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. 3 Acts; 1^ hours 4 SOCIAL ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes 5 OUTWITTED. 1 Act; 20 minutes 3 WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 4 SWEET FAMILY. 1 Act; 1 hour 8 BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. 1 Act; 2 hours 30 PRINCESS KIKU. (35 cents) 13 RAINBOW KIMONA. (35 cents.) 2 Acts; li^ hours 9 MERRY OLD MAIDS. (35 cents.) Motion Song 11 PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY 15 CENTS EACH u APRILi FOOLS. 1 Act; 30 minutes 3 BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40 minutes 6 DARKEY AVOOD DEALER. 1 Act; CO minutes 3 WANTED, A MAHATM A. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; 1 hour.... MEDICA. 1 Act; 35 minutes 7 NIGGER NIGHT SCHOOL. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 SLIM JIM AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; 30 minutes 5 WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 SNOBSON'S STAG I»ARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour 12 PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20 minutes 6 HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes 10 CASE OF IIERR BAR IJOOMSKI. IMoclc Trial; 2 hours.... 28 DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mode Trial. 22 GREAT LIBEL CASE. Mock Trial; 1 Scene; 2 hours 21 RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; IJ.^ hours 24 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. TOO MANY HUSBANDS % facte in €tao %tt^ (adapted from the FRENCH) BY ANTHONY E. WILLS AUTHOR OF "JUST PLAIN FOLKS," " EAST SIDERS," "STUBBORN MOTOR CAR," " COLLEGE CHUMS," " A COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT," " NEW " ENGLAND FOLKS," " OAK FARM," " BENJAMIN, BENNY AND ben" and "MATINEE IDOL " Copyright, 1911, by Dick & Fitzgerald NEW YORK DICK & FITZGERALD 18 ANN STREET Note. — The professional acting rights of this play are expressly reserved by the publishers, to whom theatrical managers who wish to produce it should apply. Amateur representation may be made without such application and without charge. , cT TOO MANY HUSBANDS. CHARACTERS. Colonel Thaddeus Crane, of His Majesty's Service, Eccentric character Dorothy Crane, his daughter Ingenue CiiAUNCEY Chilton, his Secretary Character Arthur Maitland, a poor Author, his nephew Lead Harry Brown, a Bookkeeper Juvenile Milly Brown, Harry's wife Straigh t Reverend Ormsby, a Preacher Comedy Mrs. Sheffield, Harry's mother-in-law Comedy MoLLiE, a Servant Comedy Jones, an Expressman Bit O'Flynn, a Patrolman Bit Rudolph Bauer, Character Note. — Jones can double O'Flynn. Time. — The present. Locality. — The Bronx. Time of Playing. — Two hours. SYNOPSIS. Act I. — Home of the Browns, on the outskirts of the Bronx, New York City. Nine o'clock in the morning. Act it, — Ssme as before. One hour later, (^. Ci.D 23937 Too Many Husbands. COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. Colonel Thaddeus Crane aged 55, is a short, heavy-set, red- faced, bald-headed man, with gray side whiskers; wear- ing a checkered suit, red vest, fancy tie, white spats and soft hat. Act I. Later in act changes coat to a frock. Act II, same as Act I. Chauncey Chilton, his secretary, is a thin, dark com- plexioned, smooth-ghaven, nervous man about thirty, wear- ing a black coat, trousers, tie, and having an almost clerical look. Same Act II. Arthur Maitland, is a good-looking juvenile about 25 wearing a sack or walking suit Act I, however, for first entrance, wears lounging robe over same and has towel tied about his head. No material change for Act IT. Harry Brown, a smooth-shaven juvenile, a bookkeeper, about Arthur's age. Plainly dressed Act I. Act II, wears an apron tied about his waist and jacket off; sleeves rolled up. Rudolph Bauer, a German, wearing blonde wig and whiskers; broad suit and silk hat, much too large for his head. Also a police badge pinned to vest which he displays end of Act II. Reverend Ormsby, a preacher, wearing frock-coat, large white bow tie, silk hat and white cotton gloves. Jones, the expressman, wears a blue shirt, black trousers and expressman's cap. Pencil behind ear and large book under arm. O'Flynn, is a typical New York patrolman. Red hair and ruddy face. Dorothy Crane, is a good-looking ingenue about twenty- one. ' Act 1, wears a traveling coat over a pretty dress. Act. II, another pretty gown. MiLLY Brown, aged about twenty-five, wears a neat house dress and small apron Act I. Act II, discards apron. Mrs. Sheffield, Harry's mother-in-law, is a good-sized, sharp-mannered woman. Wears her hair combed straight back; a small black bonnet, with ribbons, tied under her chin ; eye-glasses, short cape, and carries a small hand-bag and umbrella. After first exit, discards bonnet and cape. Mollie, the servant, is a pretty girl. Neatly dressed and also wearing an apron. 4: Too Many Husbands. INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. Newspaper, Towel, Plate for IlAKin-. Sugar-bowl, Letter3, Telegram for Mollik. Valise with Shirts, Collars, etc. Let- ter, Handcuffs for Eatkr. TTmbrella, Letters for Mrs. Shef- field. Revolver, Sword, Valises for Colonel Crane. STAGE DIRECTIONS. As seen by a performer on the stage, facing audience, R. means right hand; l. left hand; c. center of stage; c. D. center door in rear flat; r. 1 and R. 3 right first and third entrances; l. 1 an L. 3, left first and third entrances. TOO MANY HUSBANDS. ACT I. SCENE. — A plain, yet neatly furnished room with doors R. 1, and B. 3, c. and L. 1, and L. 3. Table with three chairs r. c. Table is laid for three; couch L. c. ; fancy pillows on couch. Screen upper L. corner; sideboard upper R., with dishes, silver-ware etc. Sign over door " No Place Like Home." Pictures on wall; carpet down. Time, 9 A. M. Henry Brown and Milly Brown, DISCOVERED seated at table, eating break- fast. Harry at the same time is also perusing morning paper. (Milly taps bell.) ENTER MoLLiE D. c. MoLLiE. Did you ring, ma'am? Milly. Yes, Mollie. You neglected the sugar. MoLLiE. Oh, yes, ma'am. [EXIT l. 3. Milly (to Harry). It seems strange for you to be at home to-day, doesn't it, Harry? Harry. Well, a fellow doesn't have a christening on every day. Milly (pouring coffee). Mother wrote she'd come rain or shine; and you know it's her first visit since we were married. Harry. And I hope it's her last. Milly (indignant). Harry! Harry. Can you blame me, when you remember how she used to go for me before we were married? Milly (passing him cup). That's unkind, for you know mother always liked you. Harry. Had a queer way of showing it. (Turning page of paper) Used to nearly eat my head off. Milly (reprovingly). I don't know what's got into you lately. You're awfully irritable. 5 6 Too Many Husbands. Harry. Well, you're not the calmest person on the globe either. MiLLY. At least I'm not always quarreling. Please don't let Mollie hear you make such dreadful remarks. Harry. Who cares for Mollie? MiLLY (sharply). I do. Harry {imitating her). I don't. ENTER Molly d. l. 3, with sugar-howl, which she places on table. MiLLY (changing tone). Thank you, dear. What can be keeping Mr. Maitland this morning? Mollie. Came home pretty late last night, ma'am. MiLLY. Did you call him, dear? Mollie. Yes ma'am, I knocked at least a dozen times. Harry (suddenly looking intently at paper). Hello! MiLLY (interested). What is it now? Harry. Remember that fellow Sweeney, the detectives were all after a few years ago? Milly. I do believe I remember something of the sort. Harry. Well, the authorities have an idea they've spotted their man. Scotland Yard detectives believe he left Europe on an ocean liner a week ago and have cabled the New York police to be on a sharp lookout for him. Milly. Now I remember! Wasn't he the swindler who ? Harry (quichhj). The identical. I thought they'd never get him. I'd like nothing better than to land that twenty thousand dollars reward. Milly. Twenty thousand dollars? Gracious! Harry (cutting photo, reproduction from paper). I'm going to keep this picture and from now on compare it with every face I meet. Milly. You'll have a nice job on your hands. You'd do * better if you found out what can be keeping Mr. Maitland. May be he is ill. Harry. Oh, I know what his trouble is. (Rising) But perhaps I'd better hurry him down anyway. [EXIT D. R. 3. Mollie. Didn't you hear him come home last night, ma'am? It was near three o'clock. Milly. As late as that, Mollie? Mollie. Oh dear, yes, and he took most an hour getting tip the hall stairway. I thought every minute, he'd tumble to the bottom. (Bell rings off) The postman, ma'am. [EXIT D. c. going r. Too Many Husbands. 7 MiLLY. And poor Mr. Maitland needs money so badly. I suppose he's become despondent and doesn't care now, "what happens. ENTER MoLLiE D. c. with letter. MoLLiE. For you, ma'am. Brought by a messenger boy. MiLLY (taking it). By a messenger boy? For me? (Quickly breaks seal and reads.) ENTER Harry d. r. 3. Harry. I've got Arthur up at last. He'll be right down. (Then espying letter) Hello, a letter? MiLLY. Yes, Harry, and we're in luck. Harry. I don't understand. MiLLY. Don't you remember me telling you about the telephone call bright and early this morning? Harry. Yes — some German wanted to rent a room. You don't mean to say anything's come of it? MiLLY. Here's a note enclosing a money order for two weeks in advance. Harry (taking note and glancing at it). You don't tell me. (Looking vp) This fellow must have money to burn. MiLLY. It will help reduce our expenses, won't it, dear? Harry. Well you can just bet it will. Who is he any- way? (Looking at note. Beads) " Rudolph Bauer." He's a German all right. MiLLY. I'm so pleased. (To Mollie) Better tidy the big front room, Mollie, so everything will be in readiness when the gentleman arrives. Mollie. Yes, ma'am. [EXIT d. r. 1. Harry. Too bad he's coming on the very day fixed for the christening. Couldn't you have asked him to wait for a few days? Milly. I tried to, but he said he had to find a place to-day. Harry. I suppose your mother will go on the war-path when she learns we take in boarders. Milly (indignant). I'll have you understand my mother doesn't go on war-paths ! Harry. I'd like to know what you call them then! Milly. My mother never 8 Too Many Husbands. ENTER Arthur d. r. 3, a towel tied about his head. MiLLY (espying him and changing tone). Why, Mr. Maitland is that you? Arthur (sadly). All that's left of me. MiLLY. You look ill. Arthur (groans). I don't look half as bad as I feel. (Sinks into chair R. of table. Groans) Oh> my poor head. Harry (patting him on shoulder). I don't want to rub it in, old pal, but you're only paying the piper for the tune he played. Arthur (hand to head). Then he's overcharged me. (Groans) I never in all my life had such a MiLLY (offering him platter). Won't you have some nice Virginia ham? Arthur (business). I'll have the doctor if this terrible pounding in my head doesn't cease. MiLLY. You've been overdoing the past few weeks, Mr. Maitland. Arthur. I know I have, but I felt so relieved at the completion of my book that I just had to cut loose and let go. Harry. Well you let go all right. Heard anything since submitting your new novel? Arthur. Not a word — and that's also got me going. (Becoming serious) Unless I soon receive a check, I'll have to get a job and go to work — real work! Harry (shaking head). Terrible, terrible. MiLLY. What about your rich uncle abroad who used to send you money so regularly? Arthur. Last heard from him a month ago. Was then very ill and I'm afraid, seriously. Harry. If anything happened ! Supposing he should Arthur (quickly). His will you mean? I don't think I've much chance there. He has a daughter, you know. Uncle's a most peculiar old codger, my mother's brother and when, after my folks died, I was placed in his care, he en- deavored to make me walk a chalk line. I remonstrated. I had literary aspirations; he thought me crazy and wanted me to become a butcher MiLLY. A butcher? Horrid! Arthur. It was tug nnd tug from morning until night. Then he objected to my becoming engaged to his daughter; said I wasn't a fit candidate for her hand. Finally, I sick- ened of the whole thing, broke away and came back to Too Many Husbands. ^ America. He's had no great love for me since; but I will say, has treated me a great deal better than I perhaps de- served. Harry. Then you really think the butcher business Arthur. Was where I belonged. As a literary man I appear to be a ranlj failure. MiLLY. Nonsense, don't lose your nerve. From what you state of your new book, it ought to prove a great success. Harry (patting him on hack). Then remember, the pub- lishers are flooded with manuscripts. It requires time to weed them out. It may be six or eight months before you know the verdict. Arthur (despairingly). And in the meantime? Harry (patting him on shoulder). Well Arthur, old chap, you'll continue to live with us. We haven't forgotten how you helped us out last winter when I was out of a job. You were always willing to share your last dollar with us ■ MiLLY (warmly). And we haven't forgotten it. (Then changing subject) But what of the girl — your uncle's daughter ? Arthur. Heard a while ago she'd marry some English chap. MiLLY. Wasn't very loyal to you, was she? Arthur. Oh, it wasn't Dorothy's doings; I'll wager on it. But it's a long story — and will make good matter for a romance, later on. (Bell rings heloiv) MiLLY (calling aloud). The doorbell! Mollie! Mollie! ENTER Mollie, d. r. 1. Mollie. Yes, ma'am. MiLLY. See who's below, dear. [EXIT TVIoLLiE D. c. going r. Harry. Who can it be I wonder? MiLLY. It couldn't be mama. It would take her longer to come up on the subway. Arthur (surprised). Your mother coming? Harry. For the christening you know. Arthur. By jove — the christening. And I've been count- ing on the sale of that book to buy the kid a decent present. Harry (patting him on shoulder). Brace up, old pal — and forget it. We owe you a great deal more already than we can ever hope to repay. Arthur. Oh, don't think for a moment I entirely forgot 10 Too Many Husbands. the little tot. No siree, I dropped into Clarkson's yesterday and ordered — well, what do you think? Harry. > (.^^,^ imagine. MiLLY. > Arthur. A baby-carriage. It ought to arrive this morn- ing. ENTEE MoLLiE D. c. MoLLiE. Please, ma'am, a gentleman below who says he's the new boarder. MiLLY (up). The new boarder? Show him up, Mollie. [EXIT Mollie d. c, going r. Arthur (rising). A new boarder? Why I Harry (forcing him hack on chair). Finish your break- fast, old man. ENTER Mollie d. c. followed hy Rudolph Bauer, carrying a large valise. Mollie. Right this way sir, right this way. [EXIT d. c. Bauer (with sweeping how). Madam, mit bleasure. You are der lady of der house? Milly. I am the landlady. Bauer (hawing). Dee-lighted. Und I am Rudolph Bauer, der gentlemans vat rented der room. Milly. You will find everything in readiness. (Present- ing Harry) This is Mr. Brown and this (Introducing Arthur) Mr. Maitland, our other boarder. Bauer. Ach, yes. Gentlemans — also dee-lighted. (Bows. To Milly) Den you got only one oder boarder besides my- self? Milly. That is all at present. Bauer. Und I thought dere vas oders. You expect some- body else to-day, vat? Milly. No. Oh, yes — my mother. Bauer. Oh, you expect your mother. (With smile) How nice. Harry. What is your business, Mr. Bauer? Bauer. Ach it is — vmd it isn't a bizness. I am an er- finder. Such — vat you call hiin — an inventor. Harry. Inventor eh ? Of what, pray ? Bauer. Of wonderful dings. You see before I am here a great while. I astound der whole continent — und more besides. I will revolunize der entire world. I will-* Too Many Husbands. 11 ENTER MoLLiE D. c. MiLLY (interrupting). Mollie, please show Mr, Bauer to his room. Mollie (crossing to d. r. 1.). This way, sir. Bauer (crossing to D. R. 1). Mit bleasure. (At door) You are sure you expect no one else — no men folks? MiLLY. Positive. Bauer. Veil, dot seems to decide it. (With a low how) Gentlemens! [EXIT with Mollie d. r. 1. Arthur. Queer fellow that. Milly. Yes, but he's got lots of money. Just think — paid me in advance. Arthur (looMng down). That's one on me. I haven't paid you in four weeks. Harry (patting him on shoulder). There you go again. Milly didn't mean it that way. Milly. Of course I didn't. Harry. But Arthur is right. He is a peculiar individual. And so anxious about other men. (Starts and quickly takes torn sheet of newspaper from pocket) Can it be possible he is the notorious Sweeney? Arthur. Not with a face like that. Harry (holding up paper). Does he look anything like this ? Milly (pouting). Since you're so suspicious — I'm really sorry I ever Harry (comforting her). There, there girlie; but just imagine that reward! It's enough to make one's hair stand on end. ENTER Mollie timidly d. r. 1. Mollie (reluctayitly to Arthur, who is drinking coffee). Please Mr. Maitland Arthur. Well, Mollie Mollie. You won't be angry with me, I hope. Arthur. Angry with you? What about? Mollie. I didn't mean to forget it, sir — ^but I put it in the pocket of my other apron and never gave it a thought until Arthur (puzzled). Never gave what a thought? Mollie (gingerly holding out letter). This letter. It came over two weeks ago. Arthur (quickly). A letter! Two weeks ago! From the publishers ! (Dances around singing lively air) I'll bet mj 12 Too Many Husbands. book's been accepted. {Reprovingly to Mollie) Oh, MoUIe — Mollie — why did you keep this joyful news from me? Mollie (piqued). I couldn't help it, sir — I just forgot. Harry (interested). I do hope it's good luck. MiLLY. If only your book has been accepted! Arthur (hurriedly opens letter, reads and starts). Great Scott! (Sinks into chair.) Harry. What is it? AtnnvR (moans despairingly). I'm lost! lost! lost! (Mol- lie L. C, thumhs her apron and pouts, ready to cry.) Harry. Man, you're as pale as a sheet. What has hap- pened ? Arthur (hands him letter). Eead! Read! (Harry glances quickly at letter.) Arthur. It's the worst news I could have received. A letter from my uncle. Harry (to Milly, who anxiously looks over his shoulder). And he's coming to America. Arthur. If not already here. And bringing his daughter (Warmly) Dorothy with him. Harry (handing Milly letter. To Arthur). But I don't see anything in that to Arthur. Oh, don't you, though? My boy, it's a long story — a long, long story. Milly (having glanced at letter. To Mollie). Go below Mollie. It's all your fault. You're too forgetful for any- thing. Mollie (crying). I didn't mean it, ma'am — I really didn't mean it. [EXIT d. c. going r. Harry. But even yet, Arthur, I don't see the point. Milly (to Harry). Don't you see? The letter being de- layed the old gentleman probably arrived this morning with- out anyone to welcome him at the pier. Arthur (sadly). If that were all, — but it isn't. I'll have to make a clean breast of the thing before you'll thoroughly understand my whole miserable business. Harry. Clean breast of it? Why you talk as if you'd committed some crime. Arthur. I've acted shabbily, but the winter was a hard one and I Harry (anxiously). For heaven's sake, Arthur, speak out! Don't keep us in this dreadful suspense. We are your friends and will stick by you through thick and thin. Now out with it — what have you done? Arthur (hrohenly). I've married. Too Many Husbands. 23 Harry. MiLLY '" Married? When? } Arthur (sadly). It's over a year ago. Harry (warmly). Over a year ago! You sly dog! And never a word to us about it — your closest friends! (Offer- ing hand) Congratulations! Arthur (sadly). Eatlier pity me. MiLLY. Pity you? How strange you act. Arthur. You see I'm married — and still — unmarried. Harry. The plot thickens ! MiLLY. Divorced? (Arthur sadly shakes head nega- tively.) Harry (sympathetically) . Your wife died. I know, you're a widower. Arthur. Wrong again. Harry. \ ^ • -. Arthur. The fact is, my uncle only thinks I'm married. Harry. Ah ha, I begin to smell a mouse. Arthur (sadly). He began cutting my allowance a year ago and becoming desperate, I hit upon the idea Harry. Of writing him you were married. (Laughs heartily) Clever scheme. Arthur. The colonel was tickled and immediately doubled my allowance, displaying unprecedented haste in sending it to me. Harry. Clever boy. But you should have no cause for alarm. Your wife's gone to the seaside, mountains, any- thing and you are rooming with us. Arthur (shaking head). Which would be all right had I not written him I'd bought this house. Harry. Bought this house? Arthur. Yes, last winter — remember when you needed that loan? Well I got uncle to cable me the amount. Harry (musing). That does complicate the thing. MiLLY (looking at letter). He only intends remaining for a few days prior to leaving for the baths at Hot Springs. Harry. I have it. You shall own this house and we will be your guests — your boarders. Arthur (reluctantly) . There's just one other little detail which also gives me concern. Harry. Go on — what else? Arthur. Well, uncle insisted that I send him a photo- graph of my wife 14 l^oo Many Husbands. Harry {laughing heartily). I see, I see — and you sent him a photograph MiLLY (joining laugh). Of some chorus girl • Harry (now loudly laughing). Some yellow-haired high kicker. Arthur (seriously). No — I sent him a photograph of your wife! Harry (immediately stopping laughter). Of my wife! Of Milly? MiLLY (indignant). Of me? Arthur. Don't be angry. I was cornered and had to act quickly. Seeing your wife's photograph on the mantle, I was seized with a — well never mind the graphic details — I sent uncle Milly (reprovingly). My picture! How could you — how could you? Harry (comforting her). There, there Milly, don't be hard on Arthur. He's been our best friend in the past; our friend in need, so to speak. Arthur. It was wrong of me I know, but I never thought — I never realized what a plight Harry (to Arthur). It's too late now to undo it. We've got to make the best of it. The question is, what can we do to help you. Arthur. You've agreed to lend me your house; would it be possible for you to also Harry (starting). What! Lend you my wife? Great Scott, man ! Milly (indignant). How dare you! Arthur. At present, kind friends, I would dare most anything. (To Harry) Just to present her, you know, old chap, in case he insists upon seeing her. Harry (to Milly). I can see no greot harm in it, Milly. (To Arthur) Why of course I will. Arthur («p, offering hand). You've saved my life! Milly (handkerchief to eyes). This is awful! awful! What will mother say? Arthur (sinking hack in chair). Yes — mother! Harry. I never thought of my mother-in-law. (Aside to Arthur) And she's a terror, Arthur. Milly (stamping foot). I won't be a party to it. Harry. Oh, yes you will. Milly (emphatically). Oh, no, I won't. Harry. You must! We can't desert Arthur now that he needs help, (Hands on her shoulders) There's a good Too Many Husbands. 15 little wifey. {Then suddenly) And the new boarder ! What of him? MiLLY. The inventor, you mean? Harry. He's got to get out of that room. Arthur. Uncle must have the best room in the house. It would never do to Harry. I have it. We'll put the German in the garret. {At D. c. Calling) Mollie! Mollie! MiLLY {pouting). But Harry, he has paid in advance. Harry. That's just why he goes upstairs. ENTER Mollie d. c. Harry {to Mollie). Mollie, I want you to change the new boarder to the garret room. Mollie. But sir, there's only a small cot up there and the roof leaks terrible. Harry {emphatically). Do as I tell you. Mollie. Yes, sir. (Crosses to d. r. 1.) Harry. Tell him he was shown that room by mistake. It belongs to one of the other boarders. Tell him anything. Mollie. Yes, sir. [EXIT d. r. 1. Harry {consulting watch). We haven't a minute to lose. If your uncle arrives, with my mother-in-law on the job, and they should by chance meet! (Waving hands above his head) Great Caesar, can you imagine the scrap! MiLLY. I shall faint I know, when they meet! Harry. That might even help some too. Bauer (heard off d. r. 1). Vot's dot? I hired dis room tmd here I stay. (Pause) No sir, no sir, I won't do it. (Pause) Where is der landlady — I speak mit her. (EN- TERS angrily D. R. 1) See here, vot is dis humbugs I hear shust now? Harry. I'll explain it to you. Bauer (angrily). I make my arrangements mit dis lady. Who are you anyway? Harry. I sir, am this lady'.s Arthur (pulling Harry's coat). Man of all work. MiLLY (starting). What? Arthur (in Harry's ear). He mustn't know jon are Harry (winking at Arthur). That's right. (To Bauer) Man of all work. Bauer. Oh so iss it, eh? Well, I paid for dot room und I want it. Harry. You paid for the room upstairs. This rooin was assigned to another boarder weeks ago. 16 Too Many Husbands. Bauer. Another boarder? Harry. Yes — a gentleman from abroad. Bauer (starts). Ah, ha! from abroad! At last! At last! (To Milly) Und you madam, you said dere vas no oder boarders. I don't understand dis monkey-doodle-biznes3. (Bell rings helow.) ENTER MoLLiE D. c. and EXIT d. r. 3. Harry. We've no time to argue. You'll have to hurry, sir. Bauer. I want first, an explanation, for why dig lady told me Harry (seizing him hy arm). Come on — I'll do the ex- plaining. (Starts to force him toward d. c.) Bauer (his valise opens permitting shirts, collars and cuffs to fall to floor). Hold on, hold on, I am losing my baggage. (Bell rings loudly hclow.) Harry (excitedly). Hurry, hurry! (Arthur and Millie on either side of Bauer assist him in recovering his laun- dry. Each time valise is filled, he permits cover to drop open, so that laundry is again thrown out. Great confusion prevails for a moment and finally Bauer, with valise, shirts, collars and cuffs jumhled in his arms, is dragged to D. c.) Harry. Come on, come on, I'll show you to your room! Bauer (protesting). Und I show you someding, when I get my hands loose. [EXIT d. c. going L. Milly (goes to d. c, looTcs after them). I do hope Harry doesn't get hurt. Arthur. It's my fault. I alone am to blame for the present state of things. Milly (glancing l.). Gracious! It must be your uncle. Arthur (glancing at lounging rohe). He mustn't see me like this. (Quickly to D. u. 3) I'll make myself presentable. [EXIT D. R. 3. Milly (ncrvou.'dy looking off r.). And I, myself scarce. (Going to D. L. 3) What will mother say if she learns I've got two husbands? Gracious, as if one wasn't enough. [EXIT D. L. 3. ENTER Harry breathlessly d. c. Harry. Thank goodness the German's out of the way. I locked him in. He's safe for awhile anyway. (Glancing l.) Hello, MoUie's let them in. Well,"you can bet I'm not going Too Many Husbands. 17 to be the reception committee. (Espies screen) I'll size them up from behind here. (Behind screen.) ENTER MoLLiE D. c, followed by Colonel Thaddeus Crane, Dorothy, his daughter, and Chauncey Chilton. MoLLiE. Right this way — right this way. Colonel (looking around). Not a pretentious house, Dorothy — ^but comfortable. By gad, the boy's change of pace surprises me. To Mollie) Is your master at home? Mollie (nervously). I don't know, sir. Colonel. Don't know? Mollie (nervously). I mean — I'll see, sir. (Starts l.) Colonel. Just a moment. (Clearing throat) Your master, he is engaged regularly in business, I trust? Mollie. Oh, yes, sir. Each day — at the factory. Colonel. ) _, ^ . T^ }■ t actory « Dorothy. ) Mollie (adding). As a bookl^eeper — yes, sir. Colonel. Bookkeeper? Ah, then he's given up his foolish literary aspirations, eh? Splendid — splendid! (Nudging Chilton in the side) His wife probably did that. See what a wife can do for a man? (To Mollie) He expected us, of course. Mollie (nervously). Well, I covildn't say, sir. He ex- pected his mother-in-law — I know. (Harry loohs over screen and threatens her with fist.) Colonel. His mother-in-law? Mollie (catching Harry's eye). Oh no, sir — perhaps I shouldn't have said that, sir. He expected no one, sir Colonel (roaring). No one? Mollie (confusedly). Oh yes, sir — no, sir. I think I'd better go, sir — yes, sir. [EXIT D. c. quicldy. Colonel. Bless me what a stupid girl! I thought she acted strange when she opened the door. (Looking off d. r. 1) Ah, there's a large portrait of my daughter-m-law. (To Chilton, warmly ruhhing hands together) See? Chilton. Rather a clever oil painting. I'll take a better look at it. Colonel. Yes, do. My nephew had an eye for beauty when making his choice. [EXIT Chilton d. r. 1. Colonel (to Dorothy). I am glad I made the trip after all. Chilton would have turned me from it, but I've satisfied my mind that Arthur made no mistake in marrying and settling down. And as his guardian, I had a certain re- 18 Too Many Husbands. sponsibility. (Dorothy appears rather downcast, which the Colonel notices) There, there, my dear. Don't be downcast. I know of your little affection for the lad, but Arthur was never intended for you. Chauncey is my idea of an ideal match for you. ENTER Bauer very breathlessly, d. c. Bauer. Where iss he? Where is dot feller who locked me in der room shust now? (Then observing Colonel) Ach, excuse me, I didn't know somebody else vas in der room. Colonel (surprised) . Who are you ? Bauer. Who are you yourself a couple of times und see how you like it. Colonel. Do you know, sir, who I am? Bauer (imitating him). Und do you know who I ain't? (Then after effective pause) You are probably one of der other boarders. Colonel. Nothing of the sort, sir; I am Bauer (interrupting). I got it! You are der fellow who stole from me, my room away. Colonel. Why, you impudent puppy! Bauer (snapping fingers in Colonel's face). Likewise, puppy-cakes for you, sir. I swore to myself, I would pull your nose der first time I Colonel (roaring). Pull my nose, sir? Pull my nose? Bauer. Don't you dink it possible? But you needn't to be alarmed. Now dot I see you got mit you your wife — (Referring to Dorothy.) Dorothy (indignantly). Wife! Bauer. I forgive you der insult. (With how) I am al- ways a gentlemans. Colonel (to Dorothy). The fellow's a lunatic! Bauer (at d. c). Had the oder fellow told me der circum- ferences, I would have moved mit bleasure. Only he was in such a rush he locked me in der room und forgot to leave der key. I am sorry for any disturbance I caused by forcing it open. (With how) I apologize, und mit best wishes, believe me to be, sincerely yours, Rudolph Bauer. [EXIT D. c going l. Colonel. The fellow's clean gone. Bauer (hohhing head, in doorway c.) P. S. T will keep der room in der garrett. [EXIT D. c. Colonel. Did you ever see the like? (Going up to d. c, and looJcing off) The janitor, very likely. Too Many Husbands. 19 ENTER Arthur d. r. 3, hurriedly, having removed dressing- gown and towel, and with hands outstretched. Arthur. Uncle — uncle! Colonel (turning. Warmly). Arthur, my boy! Well, well, well! Arthur (espying Dorothy). And Dorothy! (Quickly to her as if to Mss her.) Colonel (catching him hy coat-tail). Hold on — hold on! Remember you're a married man now! Arthur. By Jove, I forgot that. Dorothy (rather coldly). You're a nice one not to have met us at the pier. Arthur. I'll tell you how that was. You see, Mollie neglected to hand me your letter vmtil Colonel. Mollie? Mollie? Arthur. Yes — our maid. Colonel. Didn't I say right away, Dorothy — she was a stupid thing? (ENTER Chilton d. r. 1) Arthur— know Mr. Chilton, my secretary and Dorothy's affianced husband. Arthur (starting). Then she isn't married yet? By Jove! Colonel. They are engaged. (To Chilton) My nephew, Mr. Maitland. Arthur (warmly shaking his hand). Say, I'm awfully glad you're not married. Chilton. Sir! Arthur (letting go his hand, which he has heen vigorously shaking). Yon know what I mean. Colonel. Chilton has been my secretary for several years now and I know of no man whom I would be prouder to have as my son-in-law. (To Arthur, looking around) You're nicely fixed. Arthur (sadly). Fixed is putting it mildly. Colonel. Only, I'd discharge that janitor. Arthur. Janitor? Colonel. Yes, he's as wild as a March hare. Arthur. Heavens! Which one do you mean? Colonel. Which one? Why, you haven't more than one, I hope. Dorothy. Dad means the old German. Arthur (falling on chair). The old German! You don't mean to say you've seen him ? Colonel. And spoken to him. His case is quite hopeless. Why do you keep him around the house ? Arthur (aside). What shall I say. (To Colonel) He's an old veteran of the revolution 20 'I^oo Many Husbands. Colonel. Revolution ? Arthur. Boer war — I should say Civil war. Some war anyway — and I took pity on him. (Then to change subject) But, uncle, I thought you seriously ill. Colonel. Had a narrow escape, my boy. Come near cash- ing in — but the doctor pulled me through — and then advised a sea voyage. Chauneey there (Referring to Chilton) didn't approve of our coming to America. Chilton (nervously). I was afraid the excitement would Colonel (patting him on shoulder). Always thinking of my welfare, Chauneey. (To Arthur) But I thought to kill two birds with one stone. Recover my health and visit you and your wife. Arthur (starts). Oh yes — my wife! How nice. Colonel. I admired your choice the moment I received her photograph. (Taking photograph from pocTcet) Splen- did! splendid! (Confidentially) But tell me — who is she? Arthur (giving start). Who is she? My wife — is my wife. Colonel. No, no, you don't catch my meaning. Comes of a good family. I svippose; money? Arthur. Well, not exactly too much of the latter. (Then with assumed dignity) Uncle, I'm surprised you would think me capable of marrying any woman for her money. Colonel (slapping him on shoulder). I'm prouder of you than ever. A simon-pure love match, eh? Capital! Capi- tal ! And your job ? Arthur (puzzled). My job? Colonel. How are the prospects for advancement? Arthur. I've got a book at the publishers now that will pay me- Colonel. No, no, not that nonsense. Aren't you a book- keeper ? Arthur. A bookkeeper? Oh lor'! Colonel. Why, yes, in the factory! Your maid told Arthur. The maid told you? Then whatever she told you — I am. Colonel. Don't be ashamed of your job, my boy. I started at the lowest rung of the ladder when just about your age and look at me now! (Stril-es awl-ivard pose.) Arthur (aside). Just look at him! Colonel. But to return to your domestic life. Are you happy? Too Many Husbands. 21 Arthur (with sad face). Don't I look it? Supremely happy. Colonel (close to him). And tell me — have you anything' running around the house. (Illustrating with hands, height of about three feet) about so high? Arthur. A picket fence. Colonel. No, no, I mean children. Arthur. Children? Children? Oh, babies, you mean? Colonel (anxiously). Yes, yes Arthur. No. Colonel. I'm disappointed. However, when are we to see your wife? Arthur (up quickly). I'll tell you about that. Had I ex- pected you Dorothy (anxiously). You don't mean to say she's not at home? Arthur. I'm sorry. She went to the mountains for a lit- tle recreation. Colonel. Mountains? Why, your maid told us she was at home. Arthur. Mollie told you that? Chilton. She distinctly did. Arthur (aside). I wonder what else she told them? Colonel (placing arm about Arthur). You can't hold me in longer suspense. Brace up! don't be ashamed of her, my boy. I shan't be a harsh critic. If she measures up to the photograph I'll be delighted. All I want, anyway, is to see you happy. ENTER Mollie d. l. 3. Colonel (sharply). Oh here, girl. Ask Mrs. Maitland to step here. MoLLiE (surprised). Mrs. Maitland, sir? Colonel. Yes — your mistress — my nephew's wife. (Harry, bobbing over screen, threatens her and motions her to go.) Mollie (confusedly). Oh, yes — my mistress — I forgot. [EXIT D. L. 3. Colonel. Peculiar girl, that. Never seen her equal. Arthur. You've a lot to see. But, uncle, you must for- give her. She's a new servant; only been with us a day. Colonel. And she told me below, she'd been here a whole year. Arthur. Did she, really? To me it seems but a day. 22 ^00 Many Husbands. (Harry, out from hehind screen, is taking long strides toward D. l. 1, hut is seen hy Arthur) Oh ! Harry, Harry {comes to a stop). Oh lor'. Arthur (to Harry). Tell my wife — your wife — our wife — to come here a moment. [EXIT, nervously, Harry d. l. 1. Colonel. And pray, who was that? Arthur. Him? Why, Harry's my — my secretary. Colonel. Secretary? By Jove! you've got a more expen- sive household than I thought. ENTER Harry d. l. 1, leading Milly hy hand. Harry Come on, Milly — come on. (As she reluctantly ENTERS, he gives her a sudden jerk, confusedly Iringing her to c.) Colonel. As I live Arthur (sheepishly). My wife! Colonel (offering hand). My dear daughter-in-law, you don't know how glad I am to see you. Harry (l. of Milly, nudges her. Aside to her). Go on, Milly — say something — do something. Milly (reluctantly taking his hand). Thank you. Colonel (presenting Dorothy). My daughter, Dorothy, (Presenting Chilton) and my secretary, Mr. Chilton. Chilton (hows). Delighted, I'm sure. Colonel. We've come to pay you a brief visit. Arthur (aside). I hope it's brief. Colonel. But in that time hope to become better ac- quainted. And now, if you'll show us to our rooms, we'll remove the evidences of our long voyage. Arthur (nervously, to Milly). Wifey dear, show Unkie to his room. Harry (nudges Milly. Aside to her). Show him the big room. Milly (crosses to d. r. 1. Stammers). This w — w — way, please — this w — w — way. Harry (aside). Poor, poor Milly. [EXIT Harry d. l. 1, and Milly, Chilton and Dorothy D. R. 1. Colonel (follows them to d. r. 1, then turns and in whis- pers to Arthur). She's a little shy — but up to all my expec- tations. Arthur, I'm glad you like her, uncle. Too Many Husbands. 23 ENTER Jones d. c, wheeling haby -carriage. Arthur (starts). Oh lor'. The carriage! Jones (to Colonel). The girl told me to come right up. Your name Maitland ? Colonel (interested. Referring to Arthur). There stands Mr. Maitland. Jones {steering carriage to him). This is for you. Arthur (stammering) . There must be some mistake. Jones (consulting tool-). Nope! Here it is in black and white. Ordered and paid for by Arthur Maitland, this ad- dress — all charges paid. (Arthur sinhs on sofa.) Colonel (joyously). My boy! my boy! your little secret is out. You have got a baby after all. I thought you were trying to keep something back. (Dances around, waving handkerchief) Hurrah! hurrah! I'm the happiest man in the world. Jones. The girl signed the slip. (At d. c.) I knowed dere couldn't be no mistake. (Looking hack at Arthur) Gee! dese newly married guys give me a pain. [EXITS D. c, going r. Colonel (dancing over to Arthur. Jubilantly). We'll keep it from Dorothy for a while. Surprise her — even though your proposed little joke on me came a cropper. (Sits alongside of him) What is it, Arthur — a boy or a girl? Arthur (ahsent-mindedly). Neither. Colonel. Neither? Arthur. No, no — (Then looking up) What do you want it to be? (Then quickly) I mean — (Then turning away) Oh, I don't know what to say. Colonel (slapping him on shoulder). It's a boy — a boy! I can see it by the twinkle in your eye. Arthur (aside). Now my eyes are beginning to give me away. (To Colonel) But, supposing Colonel. I won't suppo.se anything. I'll cut you off with- out a shilling if it's anything but a boy. Arthur (disconsolately). Well, then — it's a boy! Colonel. I knew it— I knew it. And of course you've named him Thaddeus after his uncle, eh? Arthur. The fact is, she — I should say he — he hasn't been christened as yet. Colonel. That so? We'll have to see to it then, before I go. I shall certainly want to act as godfather. (Up, pomp- ously) Another unexpected pleasure! Ah, this has been a glorious day indeed. 24: ^oo Many Husbands. Arthur (sadly). And it's just started! (Baby heard crying loudly dff D. L. 1.) Arthur (up). Great Scott— the kid! Colonel. As I live, the little augel's voice. And softly cooing. (Starts to go l.) Let me go to him — let me Arthur (restraining him). No — his father is trying to lull him to sleep! Colonel. His father? Arthur. I should have said — his nurse! Colonel (starts). What? Also a nurse? Great Scott, man, how do you manage it on your income? You've two janitors, a maid, a secretary, a man of all work, a nurse, and (Harry dances on d. l. 1, a long-skirted hahy in his arms and singing a lullaby) There he i9« — there he is! (Follows after Harry, as the latter waltzes around room, singing) Let me take him in my arms ! Arthur (same time, follows Colonel, endeavoring to draw his attention) But, uncle, I forgot to tell you Colonel (finally halts Harry as he is about to EXIT D. L. 1). What do you mean, sir? What do you mean by making me chase you about that way? Harry. Did I ask you to chase me about? Colonel. None of your impudence, sir. (Endeavoring to relieve him of baby) I want a look at that baby. Harry (pushing his hands axvay). Hold on there — just a minute! Whose baby is this? Colonel. Whose baby? My nephew's, of course. (Refers to Arthur.) Harry. Oh, that's it, eh? Colonel (adjusting glasses — then chucJcing baby under chin). Cooche — eooche — cooche. (Looks from baby to Arthur several times) Takes right after his father! LL\RRY ) n n 1. ■ ^ Arthur \ ^^'^^]' business). Colonel (looking admiringly at baby). Got your eyes, nose and mouth, Arthur. By Jove, I feel twenty years younger. (To Harry) But you've got to stop dancing that child about that way. Harry. Oh, I have — have I? Colonel. And I'll take no back talk, either, even if you are my nephew's secretary. Harry. His secretary? Arthur (loudly). My secretary. Colonel. I'll have you to understand, sir, I am this child's godfather. We're going to name him Thaddeus! Too Many Husbands. 25 Harry (starting). Thaddeus? Kot if I Colonel (pompously). After me, sir — after me! (Cross- ing to D. R. 1) And now I'll tell Dorothy to step here. (Waving hand to hahy) Cooehe, cooche, cooche! (Gives a chuclde.) [EXIT all smiles D. R. 1. Arthur (sighs and sinl:s on sofa). Whew! that's over! Harry (to Arthur). Not by any means! What's this Thaddeus business? I don't mind all that's already hap- pened, but I'm hanged if I let that uncle of yours call this kid of mine Thaddeus! (At D. L. 1) I've got to draw the limit somewhere. [EXIT D. L. 1. Arthur (disconsolately). My name will be mud, if this continues. ENTER Dorothy d. r. 1. Dorothy. Dad said you wanted to show me something. Arthur. Your dad is a (Then making room for her on sofa) Come over and sit down. Dorothy (hesitating). I hardly know whether it's proper or not. You're a married Arthur. You mustn't take that married thing too seri- ously. Dorothy (surprised). Why, Arthur, how can you say that. Arthur (seriously). Honestly, Dorothy, there are a lot of things I'd like to say. (Motions to sofa) Sit down. (Dorothy sits.) Arthur. I never expected to see you again. Dorothy (looking doivn). And I imagine, didn't much care. Arthur. You know better than that, Dorothy. It was your dad who separated us. Remember the night he ordered me from the house? Dorothy. I shall never forget it. Arthur. I told him I'd marry you some day in spite of everything; that I'd wait until eternity Dorothy. And then you went right off and married some- one else. Arthur. No, no, Dorothy, you don't quite gTasp the situ- ation. I really have been waiting all these years. Dorothy. With your present wife at your side. Ridicu- lous ! Arthur (irritated) . Forget this other wife for a minute. I've worked and strived with the one thought uppermost in my mind; the thought that one day you would be my- 26 ^oo Many Husbands. Dorothy (up — alarmed). Gracious, Arthur — how strange you talk! Arthur (passionately). Dorothy, I have never loved any other woman but you. (Takes hold of her hand.) Dorothy. You must be mad! (Snatches hand away and goes R.) Arthur. I want you to become my wife! Dorothy (at door r. 1). Your wife? The only excuse I can offer for your present conduct is that you've been drink- ing. [EXIT haughtily D. R. 1. Arthur (staggered). By Jove, that's so. I always keep forgetting my other wife. (Now c.) I'll have a job making Dorothy understand, and the worst of it is, if I don't hurry, that Chilton fellow will very likely cut me out. (At D. L. 1) By Jove, I'll have to apoloj?ize to Harry for that baby incident. Can't afford to get him down on me too. [EXIT D. L. 1. ENTER Milly d. r. 1, followed hy Chilton, MiLLY. This way, Mr. Chilton. (Pointing to D. R. 3) You'll find your room right in there. Chilton. Thank you, madam, thank you. [EXIT D. R. 3. Milly. My, what a time I've had in that room. What questions the old gentleman asked. I tried my best to an- swer them satisfactorily and do hope I haven't made a dreadful mess of things. (At D. c.) Oh, I do wish this day was over. [EXIT D. c, going l. ENTER Chilton d. r. 3, cautiously to d. c. Chilton. I'm awfully worried about this trip. (LooJcing off) All is quiet below. (Cautiously to d. r. 3) Anyway, I'll be greatly relieved once we're on the high seas again. [EXIT on tiptoes D. R. 3. ENTER Arthur d. l. 1. Arthur. Harry's really touchy on that baby question. Can't be pacified. Will stand for anything but Thaddeus — and I don't much blame him. (Bell rings helow) Who can that be ? (Up to screen) Whoever it is, I must be on guard. (Gets behind screen.) ENTER MoLLiE D. c, followed hy Mrs. Sheffield. MoLLiE. This way, madam — this way. MoLLiE. I'll tell the missus at once, ma'am. {Starts Too Many Husbandd. 2T toward D. L. 1) Pardon, ma'am, but are you also a new boarder? Mrs. Sheffield. A new boarder ? I should hope not. I'm Mrs. Sheffield. MoLLiE {starting). The master's mother-in-law! Oh, yes mam. Mrs. Sheffield. Just a moment. Am I to understand, my son-in-law takes in boarders? MoLLiE. Well, before to-day there was only one — Mr. Maitland; but we've a party of English people and a German inventor who just came. {At d. l. 1) I'll tell the missus. [EXIT d. l. 1. Mrs. Sheffield (hatightily). So he takes in boarders, eh? (Looks around) Well, it looks like it. I might have known Milly would come to this when she married the fool. But she's got only herself to blame. I advised against the match time and time again. ENTER Harry hurriedly d. l. 1, with hands outstretched. Harry. Why, if it isn't dear- Mrs. Sheffield (restraining him). Don't dear me. You know I'm not strong on soft soap. Where's Milly — where is my daughter? Harry (nervously). Be up in a minute. She's in the kitchen. Mrs. Sheffield (pointedly). Preparing dinner for the boarders, I suppose? Harry. Boarders? (Aside) Wow! Mrs. Sheffield. The maid told me all about the English party — the inventor and the Lord only knows who else. Why didn't you let me know you were so hard up? Harry. Why, I Mrs. Sheffield. The idea of a Sheffield conducting a common, ordinary hash-for-breakfast-dinner-and-supper af- fair. But you can be certain of one thing. I'll clear them all out before the day is over. Harry. Clear them out? You mustn't do that. Mrs. Sheffield (pounding umhrella on sofa). Clear them out at once! (Folding arms) Why aren't you at work? Harry. Why, the christening is to Mrs. Sheffifld. The christening, eh? Milly and I could have seen to that. You're wasting time. (Then changing tone) By the way, I don't suppose you've arranged for the parson ? ^8 ^oo Many Husbands. Harry. Why, I thought we'd all go to Mrs. Sheffield. Just like you. You thought — you thought! That's all you ever did do. I knew better than to take things for granted, so I asked the parson on the next block to call here and officiate. And now, where's the little tot? I'm anxious for a glimpse at her. Harry (pointing to D. L. 1). In the nursery, there, to the left. Mrs. Sheffield (at d. l. 1). There's just one thing else. She's to be named after me — her grandmother — do you understand that? Harry (meehly). Perfectly. You have a delightful way of making your meaning clear. Mrs. Sheffield. I'm glad that's settled without the usual row! My, what a temper you've got! I don't see how any woman can get on with you! [EXIT o. l. 1. Harry (bitterly). Dear old soul. How I'll miss her when she's gone. [EXIT d. l. 1. Arthur (hohhing head over screen, looking after Harry). Lucky Harry, (With sarcasm) to have a wife and mother-in- law! (Bell rings helow) And still they come. I wonder who this can be? (Out from behind screen, loohs off D. c, then gives a start) Oh lor'! (Confusedly scrambles behind screen again.) ENTER MoLLiE d. c, followed by Reverend Ormsby. MoLLiE. I'll tell the missus. [EXIT d. l. 1. Ormsby (looking around). I've never had the pleasure of meeting the members of this family, though we've been neighbors for some time. Quite nicely situated. I'll have to ENTER Colonel hurriedly n. r. 1. Colonel (To Ormsby). Ah — you're here for the christen- ing — what ? Ormsby. I believe that is my mission, sir. Colonel (aside). Arthur took my tip and arranged it just to please me. (To Ormsby) You know — I'm to be the child's godfather. Ormsby. Indeed? Why, I thoiight the lady said Colonel. My friend, the lady's got nothing to say. I'm running this affair. I've fixed it with the father. The child is to be christened Thaddeus. Too Many Husbands. 29 Ormsby. My word — there must be some mistake, for the lady distinctly said Colonel (angrily). Mvist I repeat? Thaddeus is the name I chose. (Roaring) Thaddeus! Thaddeus! Thaddeus! Ormsby. I heard you the first time. (Meekly) Thaddeus it shall be. Colonel (slapping him heavily on shoulder). Good! I'll just jump into my frock-coat and hurry right out. You'll wait, of course. Ormsby. I am at your service, sir. [EXIT Colonel D. B. 1) Singular I should have imagined the lady said the child was to be ENTEK Mrs. Sheffield d. l. 1. Mrs. Sheffield. I'm so glad you didn't delay. Ormsby. I am usually quite punctual, madam. Mrs. Sheffield. Everything is in readiness. If you'll just step this way. (Points l.) Ormsby. But the old gentleman in that room — the child's godfather Mrs. Sheffield. Godfather? You must be mistaken. I told you that I would act as godmother. Ormsby. And he told me Mrs. Sheffield. Never mind what anyone else told you. I'm running this affair. Ormsby. There seems to be no end of running. Those were also his very words. (Meekly) However, as you wish, madam. Mrs. Sheffield. You'll find the child awaiting you in that room. Ormsby. Very well, madam. [EXIT d. l. 1. Arthur (out from behind screen, hurries to D. l. 1, looks off). If uncle happens to burst in upon that christening — all is lost. I have it. (Over to d. r. 1. ENTER Chilton D. R. 3, espies Arthur at d. r. 1, gives a start, then cautiously over to screen, partially concealing himself behind same, in- tently watching Arthur, who glances around) The key's in the lock! I'll lock him in until it's over! (Turns key) There! so much for that! ENTER Harry d. l. 1. Harry. Oh, here you are. Hurry, old man. Baby's get- ting fidgety. We're waiting for you inside. 30 Too Many Husbands. Arthur (nervously). Yes — that's so. In a minute — a minute. Harry. Want you as a witness, you know. [EXIT D. L. 1. Arthur. I hope he didn't witness what I was doing. (Over to D. L. 1) Thank goodness uncle is safe for a time. [EXIT D. L. 1. Chilton (hobs head over screen). Now I wonder what all that meant? (Bauer suddenly appears c. and glances mys- teriously about. Chilton sees him) Oh lor'! (Quickly down.) Bauer (quickly over to D. R. 3, looks off; then hurriedly to D. L. 1, looks off; then over to d. r 1. and after glancing around to see no one is ivatching, tries door) Locked! (Gets on knees before door and peers through key-hole) No one in dere — only der old feller. Hello ! dere are a couple of more rooms leading from dot one. Maybe I am mistooken after all. (Cautiously to D. c.) Anyways, I keep mine eyes open. [EXITS d. c. Chilton (bobbing head over screen). The mystery deep- ens! Who can he be? Colonel (from within d. r. 1). Hello, the door's locked? Now, who the (Then calls aloud) Oh, I say — hello there, without ! Chilton. The Colonel! (Out from behind screen and over to D. R. 1) What is it. Colonel? Colonel (within). Some one's locked the door by mistake. Chilton (glancing L. before speaking). On purpose I should say. Colonel (within. Roaring). Eh, what's that? What do you mean? Chilton. I saw your precious son-in-law turn the key and say, " I'll lock him in, until it's over. Colonel (within). I see the scheme! Then he tried to keep the news away on purpose. (Bitterly) Going to name the brat Arthur instead of Thaddeus! (Pounds on door) But I won't allow it! I'll stop it — stop it — stop it — do you hear? Chilton (anxiously glancing L.). The christening appears to be in full blast already. Colonel (within, Groaning). And I'm to be kept away until it's over. Precious scoundrel! Oh, what shall I do? Chilton (anxiously). Isn't there another door — a door lending into m.y room? Colonel (within. Suddenly). Eh? By Jove you're ^oo Many Husbands. 31 right. (Then sadly) But that's also locked. (Suddenly) Hello, the transom! I'll risk my neck on that. Chilton (glances l.). You'll have to hurry. They're Hearing the end. Colonel (excitedly, within). Oh, what a trick to play! But I'll make him sweat for the deception. Chilton. Hurry, hurry! Colonel (within). Coming, coming! (A loud glass crash heard off d. r. 1.) Chilton. There goes the transom! (Another loud crash) And there the Colonel! Colonel (whining off d. r. 1). Coming! Coming! (Extra loud crash D. R. 1.) ENTER Ormsby carrying hahy, excitedly from d. l. 1, fol- lowed hy Mrs. Sheffield, Arthur, Milly and Harry. All. What has happened? (ENTER Colq-sel p. r. 1, his hair disheveled, a red smudge on his nose, his shirt sleeves torn, his collar and tie awry) The Colonel! Colonel (furiously, to Ormsby). So, it's over, eh? Tell me the worst ! Is it Arthur or Thaddeus ? Ormsby (nervously). Beg pardon, sir — neither! I named her Margarite! Colonel (gives a roar). Margarite! Oh lor'! (Groans and sinks limply into Chilton's arms. Ormsby, nervously fumbling hahy, finally holds her upside down; then as Milly gives a horrified scream, confusedly corrects the error.) picture. QUICK CURTAIN. ACT II. Scene, as in Act 1. No change in setting. Table is cleared, and a fancy spread over same; also some boohs, and a vase with cut flowers. Time, 10 A. M. ENTER Colonel d. r. 1, putting on coat and hat, followed by Dorothy. Dorothy. But, father- CoLONEL (angrily). Not a word. The fellow deceived me 32 ^oo Many Husbands. and I'm through with him forever. ( With sarcasm) " I named her Margarite." (Angrily) And I thought it a boy! (Bitterly) Miserable deceiver! (To Dorothy) Go get your things packed. We'll leave as soon as I am ahle to arrange for other quartere. [EXIT Dorothy d. r. 1. Colonel (adjusting gloves). We'll see if I am to be ENTER MoLLiE, sleepily d. c. Yawns. Then seeing Col- onel, starts. Mollie. Oh, gee! Colonel (referring to Mollie). Another part of the household. A fine crovpd — all of them. (To Mollie) See here, girl, where's the nearest telephone station. Mollie (sleepily). At the druggist's, sir, on the corner. Colonel. Good. I'll call up a hotel in New York and arrange for rooms. (Starts for D. c.) Mollie. Going out, sir? Colonel (turning angrily). No — coming in, stupid! Bah! [EXIT d. c. going R. Mollie (looking after him). Nice old party that. So gentle and kind. (Commences to dust furniture) And from the way they all act there's something wrong some- where. Don't act at all like real boarders. ENTER Bauer quickly d. c. Bauer (dramatically). Ha! ha! Mollie (gives a start). Oh, gracious! (Moves away from him.) Bauer (taking long strides down to her). Do you want to make ten thousand dollars? Mollie (dropping duster). Ten thousand what? Bauer. Dollars! (Spelling) D — double O — double L — double S— Dollars! Mollie (fainting in his arms). Tell me all about it — one dollar at a time. Bauer (struggling with her). Yes- — but blease don't take me for a jass-ass. Lean on your own self for a while. Mollie (recovering). Ten thousand dollars! I didn't know there was so much money in the world. Bauer. It's half of vat I git if I am successful. (With a smile) Und mebbee I might include myself in der bargain besides. Mollie. Do you mean that for a proposal? Too Many Husbands. 33 Bauer. Don't it listen dot way? MoLLiE (drawing away. Aside). He's looney sure! Bauer. All you got to did — is to watch der wrists of all the boarders. MoLLlE. The wrists! Bauer. Chessir ! Wrists ! MoLLiE {draws well away from him). That's enough for me. Bauer (confidentially). Ven you see someone mit a cross tattooed on his left wrist — tell me und you get der ten thousand. Is it not easy? MoLLiE. Gee, that's hardly the name for it. Bauer (close to her). So it's a bargain, vat? MoLLiE (alarmed, drawing array from him). Help! help! Bauer. Vat! you are not frightened to see me? MoLLiE (tremhling D. c). N — o; just tickled to death. Bauer (seriously). Kemember ven you see der cross on der wrist you — (Gradually drawing close to her.) Mollie (running to d. l. 1). Heli) — help! Bauer (puzzled). Won't you let me explanation Mollie (confusedly). Help — help! [EXIT d. l. 1. Bauer (sighs). She dinks I am off my noodle. Strange ideas dese peoples git. ENTER Mrs. Sheffield d. c. Bauer (espying her). Ach, madam — maybe you will help me. Mrs. Sheffield (haughtily). Help you? In what way? Bauer (finger to lips, mysteriously glancing around). Can you keep a secret? Mrs. Sheffield (haughtily). Am I not a woman? Bauer. NuflF sed. In two minutes der whole world knows it. It is quicker as wireless telegraphy. (Tahes hold of her left wrist and brings her down stage) S-h. (Glances around) I am looking for a man mit a cross tattooed on his left wrist. Mrs. Sheffield (alarmed). Gracious, what a quest! Bauer. Now I can't do it myself. It looks suspicious und give der snap away. I thought if you could git in conversations mit each man folks und could make out you will tell his fortune— you see? Den you get a chance to see his wrist und if he is got a cross tattooed — den you tell me — und presto! We divide der twenty thousand dollars. Mrs. Sheffield (cautiously crossing to d. l. 1.). I am in danger! The man's not right! 34 ^oo Many Husbands. Bauer. Is it a go? Mrs. Sheffield (at d. l. 1), A go? I'm going — as fast as I can. [EXIT quickly D. L. 1. Bauer. I give it up. For why do dese peoples turn my offer down dot way? ENTER D. c, Arthur with newspaper. Bauer. Ach, you are shust my man! Arthur {turning and about to EXIT again). Is that so? Bauer (catching him by coat, before he EXITS and dragging him down c). Hold on — hold on. You want to earn ten thousand dollars? Arthur. Yes, providing I don't have to work for it. But I do hope you're not going to tell me about the tattooed wrist again? Bauer. Ach, den you know about it? Arthur. I should hope so. You've explained it — as only you can explain it — a half dozen times. Bauer (mysteriously). S-h. Den you are in on it? Arthur. And out of it too. Bauer (at d. c). You are der first sensible person I have seen around here since I arrived. Remember, der cross on the wrist. It's worth ten thousand dollars. [EXIT D. C. Arthur (going up and looking after him). That fellow has less regard for money than any one I know. ENTER Harry d. l. 3. Harry. Oh, here you are. Arthur. What's up now? Harry (angrily). Everything. This thing has got to come to a halt. Arthur. What thing? Harry. Oh, you know well enough. I'll lend you my wife no longer. (On sofa) From now on my wife — is my wife. Arthur (sits alongside Harry). For heaven's sake, Harry, be reasonable. Harry (turning on him). Do you think me unreasonable? Arthur. S-h, not so loud. Harry. I don't care — it's all off, I tell you. Arthur. Be serious, old man. Only let it go on for a few hours longer. Harry. A few hours? Look what's happened in the past Too Many Husbands. 35 thirty minutes! That uncle of yours seems to think Milly his personal property. Then look how narrowly little Margarite escaped being named Thaddeus! {Pacing floor) Just think of a girl being called that! Arthur. Don't take on so. Harry. Oh, it isn't me so much. It's Milly. She'll let the eat out of the bag the next time your uncle tries to kiss her. Arthur. Uncle's got an affectionate manner. Harry. And a worse nerve. But he'd better steer clear of the old lady. She's on the war-path and you know what that means. Arthur. I am blessed with a vivid imagination. Perhaps I'd better have a talk with her. (Starts toward D. L. 1.) Harry. Precious little chance you'll get. Arthur. Don't forget, old friend, that in my time I've faced the wild beasts in the African jungle. [EXIT d. l. 1. Harry. You've got a surprise coming. (Sinls on sofa) By Jove, I wish this was over. ENTER Milly d. c. Milly (down to Harry). Has he gone for good? Harry. Who ? Milly. That awful Colonel. I saw him leave the house some time ago. Harry. I'm afraid not. Milly (sits beside him on sofa). Mother is in the kitchen and is furious. Harry (glancing toward d. l. 1.). Poor Arthur. Milly. Demanded to know who the Colonel really was and when I told her — a boarder, she demanded to know why I permitted him to kiss me a while ago. Harry. What did you say? Milly. What could I say? I burst into tears. Harry. A woman's privilege. And then Milly. And then mama burned her finger • Harry (laughing). And you laughed! Milly. I did nothing of the sort. (Starting to rise) How could you say such a thing. Harry (quicMy talcing her by hand). Forgive me, Milly. Please don't run away. ENTER Colonel d. c. Colonel (espying them, starts. Aside). Hello — what's 36 l^oo Many Husbands. this? Arthur's wife and the secretary! (Gets hehind screen.) Harry (drawing Milly hack on sofa). Sit down. I'll never say it again. Milly (slowly sits). I know you didn't mean it. Harry. Merely a slip of the tongue. (Close to her) Now don't let this worry you any longer. We'll soon be rid of Arthur and his relations. Colonel (hohhing over screen). So that's it, eh? Milly (close to Harry). And then, I hope, things will go on as of old. Harry. Yes, my dear, as of old. Colonel (watching them. Aside). If Arthur could only see this? And I thought her Milly. I feel sorry for Arthur in a way, but yet we must consider our happiness. Harry. A rare good fellow — but his own worst enemy. We must, however, keep up the deception for a while longer. Colonel (aside). A while longer, eh? The plot thickens! Milly. Do you think it wise? I had hoped it would be no longer necessary. Colonel (looking over screen. Angrily aside). Hear the heartless creature! Harry. I think it best to keep it up until the coast is clear. And now, dear, we must not be seen together again until — (The Colonel gives a roar and then down hehind screen. Harry glances around) Did you hear that? (Quickly) Someone is coming. Quick, a kiss. (They kiss. The Colonel hohs tip in time to ivitness it. Harry rises from sofa and over to a L. 1) And now we had better be going. I believe even Arthur will be relieved when once the truth is out. Milly. Oh, I know he will. [EXIT D. L. 1, arm in arm. Colonel (out, looking after them). Deceiving couple! Poor Arthur ! Miserable fellow that he is, I pity him in his domestic life. And kissing each other openly, where every- one could see them. Oh, women, women, you are all alike. (A crash heard off D. L. 3, and the rattling of tins) Great heavens — what was that? ENTER Arthur hurriedly d. l. 1, his hair disheveled, tie and^ collar awry, and flour spattered over his clothing. A tin pail is thrown after him. Colonel. Arthur! Where have you been? Too Many Husbands. 37 Arthur (nervously). In. the jungle — I n.ean kitchen! Harry's mother-in-law— I should say, my mother-in-law, has a pleasant manner of her own. (Gingerly glancing off L. 1.) Thank goodness, the storm is over. (Coming down. To Colonel) Uncle, I'm sorry you should have witnessed this. Colonel. My boy, I've seen a great deal more. (Looking around before continuing, then close to Arthur) My boy, you are being deceived ! Arthur (starting). Deceived! Eh, what? By whom? Colonel. Your secretary. Arthur. My secretary? Colonel (hoarsely). The same! Arthur (tn moch agony. Sinking on sofa). Ye Gods! Colonel (patting him on hack). There, there — better to know the worst now than later. You deceived me about the baby and driven me from your home Arthur (quickly looking up). Uncle, you're not going away ? Colonel. Yes. I've arranged to go to the Hotel Royal within the next half hour. Arthur. You ought not to do that. I wasn't entirely to blame for the way things happened. Colonel. We'll not discuss that now. I'm disappointed with you and your entire household. Still I can't help pity- ing you and I don't propose to see you robbed of your happiness. (Emphatically) You must fight this scoundrel a duel. Arthur (rising). A duel? Colonel. Yes. He kissed your wife! Arthur. My wife? Colonel. Think of it — your wife and before my very eyes. Arthur. Villain ! Colonel. Where I come from it would call for the fellow's life. (Over to table, taking up pen) I'll write the challenge. Arthur (protesting). But uncle, perhaps he didn't mean to do it. Colonel (turning sharply). Didn't mean to kiss her? Bah! I'm beginning to think you're afraid of your rival. Arthur (timidly). Oh, no, uncle — not a bit. Colonel (writing). I'll make it as curt and nasty as possible. The less formality, the deeper the shaft should pierce. Arthur (aside). Poor Harry. What a lot of trouble I have caused you and now 38 ^oo Many Husbands. Colonel. Listen to this! (Reading) "Sir: I hereby challenge you to a duel to the death." {LooJcing up) How's that for a starter. Arthur. Sounds like a finisher. Colonel (reading). "You know the reason why. I have observed your sneaking methods and you can only answer for your contemptible methods with your life." (Looking up) That ought to get him. Arthur. Ought to get us both. Colonel. And to cap the climax — I've signed your name to it. Arthur. Why didn't you sign your own? Colonel (irritated). Simpleton! It's your duel! Arthur (aside). Harry must never receive that note. Colonel (folding 7iote). Now to get it to him! ENTEK MoLLiE excitedly d. c. MoLLiE. Oh, sir, the gentleman in the garret is com- pletely out of his head I'm afraid. Colonel. Never mind that, we've got something more important to attend to. (Holding out note) Hand this to Mr. Maitland's secretary! Mollie. Mr. Maitland's who, sir? Colonel (irritated). Confound the girl. (To Arthur) What's the fellow's name? Arthur (troubled). His name, uncle, his name? (Then suddenly) Why, Bauer, sir. (To Mollie) Hand it to Mr. Bauer! Mollie (talcing note). Is it — is it his note to leave? Colonel. Worse than that. (Over to d. r. 3.) Mollie (at d. c). Oh, I'm so glad. He's most frightened me to death since he's been here. I'll give it to him right away. [EXIT d. c, going h. Colonel (to Arthur, who has seated himself on sofa). I've got a brace of gims and other weapons among my things. And by the by, I'll ask Chilton to act as your other second. Now don't get nervous. The end is near. [EXIT D. R. 3. Arthur (loohing up). I know it is! (Up to D. c.) The old German won't probably understand what it all means. Lucky I thought to give his name. ENTER Dorothy d. r. 1. Dorothy. Arthur! (Then turns as if to EXIT again.) Arthvr (turning). Dorothy! Just a minute. Don't run away. 1 Too Many Husbands. 39 Dorothy (pouting). I'm surprised you should speak to me again after Arthitr. After what? (Looking around, before speak- ing) Don't be hard on me, Dorothy. I'm not half as bad as you think Dorothy. And that's bad enough. Arthur. Come over here, Dorothy, where we can talk things over. I want to make a clean breast of everything. Dorothy. You've a lot to answer for. Arthur (urging her). Come on. Dorothy. And if your wife should see us ? Arthur. Oh, hang my wife! Dorothy. Arthur! You're more heartless than I imagined. Arthur. Haven't you guessed the truth before this? (Glancing around before speaking) I'm not married! Dorothy. Not married! You're a widower? Arthur. Luckier than that. A bachelor. Dorothy. Then your wife Arthur. Isn't my wife at all. Dorothy. Why, Arthur Arthur. She belongs to Harry Brown. I just borrowed her. Dorothy (coming to him). Whatever does it all mean? Are you telling the truth? (Sits on sofa.) Arthur. Oh, I had to do it, Dorothy, to keep the wolf from the door. Your father seemed to want me married and I Dorothy. But, Arthur; what of that baby? Arthur (lightly). Also borrowed. Property of Harry Brown. Oh, Harry's a lucky chap — and a good fellow be- sides. When I learned of your father's coming — he will- ingly came to my rescue. Dorothy. I don't think it was nice to deceive dad that way. Arthur. Neither do I — but honestly, can you blame me? Dorothy. , Dad will never forgive you for the deception. Arthur. I don't care so long as you do. ENTER Chilton d. r. 3. Chilton (espying Arthur, starts. Aside). So! So! I'm just in time! Arthur. Surely you're not going to marry that Chilton fellow? 40 Too Many Husbands. Dorothy {looking down). Dad's mind is set on it. Arthur. And what's to become of me? Have you for- gotten your promise of long ago 'I Dorothy. Those surely were our happy days. Arthur. You promised to wait for me. Dorothy. Yes — but not forever. When I heard you were married Arthur. Don't forget you didn't hear of it until after I'd heard of yovir engagement to this Chilton chap. I thought it all over then — and I did the next best thing. Dorothy. I don't really care for Chauncey — that's why the wedding has been so long deferred. Arthur. By Jove, Dorothy — do yovi know, I believe fate has been kinder to us than we dreamed. What do you say, to our- becoming married Chilton {stepping down R.). Stop where you are! (Arthur and Dorothy hoth rise confusedly. Crossing to Arthur) You, sir, shall answer to me for this. {Then to Dorothy) And as for you, Madam. (Dorothy turns on her heel and giving him a contemptuous look, haughtily EXITS D. R. 1.) Chilton {dramatically handing Arthur card). My card, sir. The Colonel asked me to act as your second in a certain duel — but the scene I just witnessed makes me one of the principals in another. What is it to be — ^swords or pistols ? Arthur. Hold on, old man, you're rushing things. Chilton {stamping foot). Swords or pistols? Arthur. Well, since you look at it that way — hoth! [EXIT D. L. 1. Chilton {sinking on sofa). Beaten! beaten! unless the Colonel arranges for an immediate marriage. And after working all these years! {Up) I'll have a talk with the old man at once. {Starts for d. r. 3.) ENTER D. c, Mrs. Sheffield with several letters in her hand. Mrs. Sheffield {to Chilton). Just a moment, sir. Chilton {halts). Well, Madam. Mrs. Sheffield. I want to hand you this. Chilton {taking letter). What is it? Mrs. Sheffield. A notice to leave, sir — and at once. I'm giving them to all the lodgers. From henceforth, this is no longer a boarding house. Too Many Husbands. _, 41 Chilton {tearing notice into pieces and casting them on ■floor). That shows what I think of your notice! [EXIT D. R. 3. Mrs. Sheffield (shouting after him). Very well; then I'll get a lawyer and have you put out! ENTER D. L. 3, Harry in coat-sleeves, wearing an apron around his waist and carrying a towel and plate in his hands. Sits on sofa with a sigh. Harry. What is home with a mother-in-law ! Mrs. Sheffield (down c. Confronting him). I'll show you in about three minutes! Harry (rises confusedly and begins to hurriedly wipe plate). Oh, lor'. Mrs. Sheffield. Did you finish wiping those dishes as I told you to? Harry. I was just on the last lap when Mrs. Sheffield (sternly). Then go back to the kitchen. You brute, to expect your poor little wife to do the work for this entire household. Harry (at d. l. 3.). Now see here, I object to Mrs. Sheffield (stamping foot). Silence! Not a word! To the kitchen! Do you hear? Harry. Yes, ma'am — I hear all right. [EXIT meekly d. l. 3. Mrs. Sheffield (loohing after him). Milly's spoiled that man. In a week's time, I hope to make him an ideal hus- band. [EXIT d. l. 3. ENTER D. r. 3, Colonel excitedly, followed by Chilton. Colonel. Impossible, impossible, I can't believe my daughter would do such a thing. Chilton. I tell you I saw the whole thing with my own eyes. I immediately challenged the fellow to a duel. Colonel. You should have killed him on the spot. What a villain ! I cast him off ! He is no longer a nephew of mine. I'm through with him forever. I now don't blame his wife for flirting with another. Chilton. And you were saying. Colonel, when we Colonel. Ah, yes. You'd better arrange for an im- mediate wedding. Hunt up a parson. I'll fetch Dorothy around. The sooner this thing is over — the better. Don't [waste a second. Hurry, hurry. 42 ^oo Many Husbands. Chilton (warmly shaking Colonel's hand). ThanK you. Colonel. You've given me renewed courage. [EXIT D. c. going r. Colonel. It will serve the boy right if Chilton forces him into a deadly combat. ENTER D. L. 3, Mrs. Sheffield holding note toward Colonel. Mrs. Sheffield. For you, sir. ^Colonel (taking note). Why, what? Mrs. Sheffield. It's a notice to quit, sir — and at once. Colonel (puzzled). Quit? Mrs. Sheffield. Vamoose — leave the house — (Close to him) get out! Colonel (indignant). I like that. So it comes from him, does it? Mrs. Sheffield. From the owner of the house. He told me to hand it to you. Colonel. And he is handing it to me in many ways. (Over to D. R. 1.) Very well. Madam. We'll get out. But you can tell him one thing. I know all about his love- making to my Dorothy a while ago! [EXIT d. r. 1. Mrs. Sheffield (astounded). Now I know Harry's reason for leaving the dishes and sneaking up here. It was to meet this Dorothy! Love-making, eh? Well he'll not repeat the performance after I'm through with him. (Begins to roll up sleeves and angrily starts to EXIT L. 3.) ENTER Bauer furiously d. c. with a letter in his hand. Bauer. A challenge, eh? To fight a duel to der death! (To Mrs. Sheffield) Perhaps, madam, you can tell me who wrote me dot? Mrs. Sheffield (handing him a note). I can tell you who wrote this one. Bauer (puzzled). Another? (Looking at note) Vat is3 it? Mrs. Sheffield. A notice to vacate at once. Bauer. Vass iss dot — vacate? I have paid two weeks* board only dis morning, in advance. Mrs. Sheffield. That makes no difference to me. Bauer. Veil it makes one to me. Mrs. Sheffield. Your room is preferred to your com- pany. The order is imperative. Either get out or be put out'! [EXIT d. L. 3. Too Many Husbands. 43 Bauer. So dot iss it, eh ? Veil if I go — something goes mit me, you bet on it. Silver-ware, cut-glasses, anything I get me my hands on. (Lookitig at note) But who could have sent me dot challenge? Dot's a clue! I work it for all it is worth. Maybe it is der missing link. (Suddenly) Ah, now I hear footsteps approaching. {Gets behind screen) Maybe it is him! ENTER Chilton hreathlessly d. c. Chilton. I did that in jig time. I'm dreadfully nervous. Once we're married, I'll persuade the Colonel to return to England. (Down c.) Bauer (out from hehind screen, cautiously down to Chilton. Suddenly confronting him). Oscuse me blease, but you don't know me, vat? Chilton (starts guiltily). I've never had the pleasure of an introduction. Bauer. Veil / know you. If you don't mind, let me take a look at your left wrist. Chilton (alarmed). You must be mad! I won't listen to you! (Calls aloud) Help! Help! (Moves around table.) Bauer (folloios after him). Don't be afraid. It only takes a second. Shust one glance at your wrist — dot iss all. Chilton (wildly). Help! Help. ENTER Colonel d. r., with an old sword in one hand, a large old fashioned revolver in the other. Colonel. What is it? Chilton (nervously referring to Bauer). This fellow's suddenly gone mad! Bauer. Not a bit of it. I only want to see if he's got a cross tattooed on his left wrist. Colonel. Ridiculous ! Chilton. What did I tell you? (Quickly moves over to r. of stage behind table.) Colonel. A hopeless case. (Approaching Bauer) Come, sir. We'll take you to your friends. (Brandishes sword and revolver.) Bauer (business). Ober please I don't want to go to my friends. Please be more careful mit dose executioners. (Chilton suddenly scrambles under table.) Colonel (forcing Bauer, against d. r. 3.). Go into that room or I fire, 44 'I^oo Many Husbands. Bauer. But, sir, you don't know who I am. Colonel. Neither do I care. {Firmly) Into that room! Bauer. You are making a mistake. If you will only help me I give you half of der twenty thousand dollars! Colonel (firmly). Into that room! And quick about it I Bauer (despairingly). Too late! Too late! [EXIT D. r. 3. Colonel (quickly to d. r. 3, loching it). A hopeless case! Now for the authorities ! ENTER Harry d. l. 3, followed hy Mrs. Sheffield. Harry. I won't stand this any longer. (Espying Colonel) Ah, there he is. Did you tell this lady I was making love to your daughter? Colonel (weapons behind his hach). I never said any- thing of the sort, sir. Mrs. Sheffield. Never said anything of the sort? (Advancing upon him threateningly) Do you mean to infer that I Colonel (producing weapons). Hold on — hold on! (Brandishes them.) Mrs. Sheffield (gives a scream and hurriedly over in front of d. r. 3.) Help, help! Harry (excitedly). He's mad! Colonel (referring to Bauer in room). The worst case I ever saw. Wanted me to help find the tattooed mark. (Harry and Mrs. Sheffield hoth exchange signals, denoting Colonel is mentally tvrong.) Colonel (watching them). They've got it too. It's con- tagious! Everybody's got it! (Cautiously over to hell rope near d. c.) Why, oh why didn't Arthur notify us he con- ducted a sanitarium! (Pulls hell-cord. Then to Harry) Don't you move! Don't you move! Mrs. Sheffield (leaning against d. r. 3). Help! Help! Colonel. Nor you either. (Brandishing weapons.) ENTER Mollis d. c. MoLLiE. Did you ring, sir? (Then espying Colonel with iveapons. gives a cry and starts for door.) Colonel (in commanding tone). Stand where you are. Yovi shan't desert me in that fashion. Summon the police! Mrs. Sheffield. ) ^^ . ,. , Harey. jYes, the police! 4 Too Many Husbands. 45 Colonel. And at once! MoLLiE (quickly off— calling). Police! Police! Police! Colonel. Where can Dorothy be? {Then aloud) Chil- ton! Chilton! Where are you? Chilton (hohhing head from under table). I'm here, sir — at your service ! Colonel. We'll be out of this in a moment. Harry. If the police will only arrive. Bauer (off r. 3). Let me out! Let me out! (All give a start.) Colonel (wildly brandishing weapons). Be calm every- body! be calm! You are safe in my hands! ENTEK O'Flynn d. c. O'Flynn. What's this disturbance? I could hear ye a block away! Colonel (brandishing weapons). I've had the time of my life, officer. Do your duty ! Better take them all in charge ! O'Flynn. You don't look any too healthy yourself. (Seizes Colonel by lapel of coat.) Mrs. Sheffleld. That's it, officer. You came just in time. Harry (waving hands). Away with him! Colonel. But, officer, I protest. I'm not the one. The man you want is in that room. His specialty is crosses and things. O'Flynn (dragging Colonel to d. c). You've got a few specialties of your own. Now don't make any trouble. Colonel. This is outrageous. I'll appeal to the English Consul! O'Flynn (endeavoring to quiet him). That's all right, me friend. You can go as far as you like. Only be sensible now and come along quietly. (Drags Colonel off c, going R., the Colonel continuing his protestations until they die out in the distance.) Mrs. Sheffield (gives a moan). Thank goodness, its over — (Faints in Harry's arms.) Harry. More trouble — more trouble ! ENTER Arthur d. l. 3. Arthur. What's all the noise? (Then espying Harry) ^What's happened? (Tal-es handJcerchief from pochet and begins to fan Mrs. Sheffield.) 46 ^oo Many Husbands. Harry {struggling with Mrs. Sheffield). It's all your fault! You're the cause for everything! ENTER MiLLY D. L. 3. MiLLY. I heard a terrible racket up here! {Then espying Mrs. Sheffield) Mother! Mother! {Over to her) What is it? Harry. Just fainted — that's all. Help me get her into the other room. MiLLY (taJeing Mrs. Sheffield by l. arm). Poor, poor, mama. (Assists Harry to D. L. 3, ivith her.) Arthur (who has shown great concern). Anything I can do, old man? Harry. Yes — clear out! and take your family with you! We were happy until your uncle arrived! [EXIT Mrs. Sheffield, Milly and Harry d. l. 3. Arthur (puzzled). I don't quite get the drift of things. What new complication can have arisen? Chilton (hohhing head from under table). I can tell you. Arthur (espying him). You? What in the world are you doing under that table. Chilton. It's a long story. (Offering left hand) Here, lend a hand. I'm so stiff I Arthur. Certainly. (Quickly tal-es his hand, then sud- denly looking at wrist, starts) Hello, old man. That's a queer looking mark on your wrist. Chilton (quicMy withdrawing hand, and up). Yes, rather — had it tattooed when a boy. (Then changing sub- ject) But you've got to do something to save your uncle. He's been arrested. Arthur, Arrested? Chilton. Yes — by mistake. Arthur (sinking on sofa). Arrested, eh? (Laughing heartily) That is a good joke. Chilton (angrily). So that's it, eh? Well, your uncle can be glad he's at least got one friend to help him out of his difficulty. And just remember, we've a duel to fight. (At door c.) I'm off to the police station. [EXIT d. c. going R. Arthur. I believe he's as afraid of that duel as I am. (Then up to R. c.) Uncle arrested, eh? Well that is a lark. (Then becoming serious) But, Dorothy! I wonder does she know? (Crash off R. 3) Hello! (Another crash\ There it goes again! .• Too Many Husbands. 47 ENTER Baler hurriedly D. R. 3. Bauer. He's gone! Arthur (gives a start). The German inventor again! Bauer (over to d. c). But he don't fool me dis time. I got him good und blenty. To der police station, eh? Well dot's der blace for me. [EXIT D. c, going R. Arthur. I see it all now, uncle must have been mis- taken for our friend with the black cross mania (Suddenly) And that reminds me. Chilton had a cross on his wrist! Can it be possible there is something in it after all? ENTER Dorothy d. r. 1. Dorothy. Arthur! Arthur! I'm so glad you weren't killed! Arthur. Killed ? Dorothy. Dad threatened all manner of vengeance on your head before he left the house. Arthur. Oh, he did — did he? Dorothy. And when I heard that awful noise I thought he was keeping his vow. He also insists that I marry Mr. Chilton immediately. Where is dad, now? Arthur. Your father? (Hesitatingly) Your father left the house only a moment ago. Dorothy. For the parson ! That's it! And will probably return immediately. Arthur. And prohaMy not. The one thing left for us to do — is get married. Dorothy. If only we dared. Arthur I'd dare anything ju.st now. (Bell rings helow) Too late — it's your father! (Glances off D. c.) No — it's someone else. (Suddenly) Who do you suppose? Dorothy. I can't imagine! Arthur (down to her). Of all persons — a parson. Dorothy. A parson? ENTER Ormsby d. c. Arthur (with a sweeping how). Welcome to our city. Ormsby. A gentleman called at my residence a short while ago, paid in advance and stated that a young couple desired to be married. Arthur (quicldy). We do. Dorothy (aside to Arthur). But Arthur 48 ^00 Many Husbands. Arthur (nudges her. Aside). Don't say a word. Chilton's even paid the marriage fee. Dorothy (puzzled). I don't understand! Ormsby. I am called out of the city, so that if you can conveniently Arthur (quickly). We won't keep you waiting a minute. (To D. L. 3, calling oif) Harry, oh, Harry! ENTER Harry d. l. 3. Arthur. Dorothy and I are going to be married and we want you to stand up for us. Will you do it? Harry. You dare ask that after getting me into such hot water ? Arthur. It'll soon cool off. (Nudging him in side) Go on — be a good fellow. Remember I did as much for you one time. Harry (sadly). And for the last time. It's a go. But only on condition you square me with my mother-in-law. Arthur. It's a bargain. (To Ormsby) Parson, lead the way. (Begins humming sf rains of the wedding march. Ormsby pompously off l., followed hy Harry, then Arthur offering his arm to Dorothy and continuing to hum the wed- ding march, EXITS n. L. with her.) Chilton (breathlessly on from c). Thank goodness, they let the Colonel go after he'd shown his papers. Now for Dorothy! (At D. R. 1, calling aloud) Dorothy! Dorothy! (Then after pause) She must be in the front room. [EXIT D. R. 1. Colonel (limps slowly on d. c, from R. his coat torn, his hair disheveled and his eyes blackened). Oh, what a day this has been ! I haven't seen so much excitement since my service in India. Chilton (on excitedly from d. r. 1). Dorothy's not in her room. Colonel (surprised). Eh? What? Are you sure? The maid told me the parson had arrived. Perhaps she learned of my predicament and has hurried to the police station. Quick ! after her — and bring her back ! Chilton. I'll not delay ! [EXIT c. d. going r. Colonel. Meanwhile I'll pack our grips. Chilton is right. America is too swift a place for us. At the rate we've been going — I shouldn't last a week. We'll return on to-morrow's boat. A month at Monte Carlo will, I hope, restore my shattered nerves. [EXIT d. r. 1, Too Many Husbands. 49 ENTER MoLLiE D. c, with telegram. Calling aloud. MoLLiE. Oh, Mr. Maitland — Mr. Maitland! ENTER Arthur quickly d. l. 1. Arthur. What is it? One could hear you all over the house. MoLLiE (handing him telegram). For you, sir. Arthur. A telegram? For me? You interrupted me just as the parson was about to — (Has opened telegram. Gives a start) Great Scott! My book accepted! (Joy f idly kisses Mollie) Mollie, you're good luck! MoLLiE (confusedly). Oh, lor', sir, what would Mike O'Flynn say! Arthur (excitedly). Accepted! By Jove, I don't need uncle's help now. (At D. h. 1. Aloud) Dorothy! Dorothy! Listen to this ! [EXIT quickly D. L. 1. ENTER Bauer breathlessly d. c. Bauer. I missed my man; but I git him yet. Der clue don't lie. I am nearer und nearer to der reward. (Glances off c.) S-h. Someone is coming. (Behind screen.) ENTER Mrs. Sheffield with haly. Mrs. Sheffield. Milly ! Milly ! where are you ? ENTER Colonel d. r. 1. Colonel. Ah, Madam! I'll trouble you for that child. (Places grips, etc., on floor.) Mrs. Sheffield (draiving away). Are you back again? When did you get out? (Moves over and around table.) Colonel. Because the police believed my story. I am Colonel Thaddeus Crane, Madam, Arthur's uncle — but I am through with him forever. I am leaving this hovise at once! Mrs. Sheffield. Thank goodness! Colonel. But taking the child with me. Mrs. Sheffield (aside). He's got a different hallu- cination this time. Colonel (attempts to seize baby). So, Madam, you'd better give her up to me. Mrs. Sheffield (moving to l.). Help! Help! 50 ^oo Many Husbands. Colonel (angrily). Come, Madam — come! Mrs, Sheffield (wildly). Help! Help! ENTER Arthur suddenly d. l. 1. Arthur. Uncle, what does this mean? Colonel. That I demand the custody of your child! Mrs. Sheffield. His child? Colonel. From what I've seen of this household it is not the proper environment for the little innocent. Mrs. Sheffield. Is that so? Well then why didn't you leave long ago? Arthur (to Colonel). Better be careful, uncle. Mrs. Sheffield (looking at Arthur). Uncle, uncle? Is he really you?- uncle? Arthur. He is, madam. Colonel. And that baby is Mrs. Sheffield. None of your business. Coho^Eh (staggered. To Arthur). Isn't this baby your — Arthur (interrupting). No sir, it isn't! Colonel (furious). Ah, then the story of your marriage? Arthur. "Was true. ENTER Chilton wildly d. c. Chilton. She wasn't there, Colonel — not there. Colonel. This is a nice trick. ENTER Dorothy d. l. 1, followed hy Ormsby, Harry, and MiLLY. Colonel (espying her). Ah, Dorothy — there you are. (To Ormsby) Quick, Parson, I want you to marry my daughter to Dorothy (nervously). Please dad — I am already married. Colonel (staggered). Married? To whom? Arthur. To me, sir. Colonel. To you! Then your other wife? Harry (placing arm about Milly). Was never his wife at all! Colonel. Deception on every side. (To Chilton) My poor boy. (Then to Dorothy) Well, Dorothy, you have gone against my wishes, married a disreputable fellow when I had chosen for you Bauer (has come from behind screen and down to Chilton and tapped him on shoulder). A scoundrel und a dief ! Too Many Husbands. 51 Colonel (starts). What — you again? Bauer. Yes, me. Und I have caught Jim Sweeney at last! (Displays police badge.) Colonel (starting). A detective, eh? (Then changing tone) But, my dear fellow, this is my secretary, Chauncey Chilton. Bauer. Dot's only one of his names ! (Holding Chilto'h's left wrist to view) See, der tattooed cross? All. The tattooed cross! Bauer. Dot proves everyding. I been on his track fer many years, und now der reward is mine. Arthur (to Dorothy). And I had it right in my hands, all the time. Chilton (looking down). I guess the jig's up. I played my game and lost. Colonel (surprised). Why, you don't mean to say Chilton (nodding slowly in affirmative). He's got me right, Colonel. I knew this American trip would prove my undoing. Bauer (talcing handcuffs from pocfcet). Come along, sonny. Chilton (at d. c). So long, Colonel — good-bye every- body. Bauer (to others). LTnd I tried so hard to give somebody half of der reward. It only goes to show, you can never judge a man by his face. (To Chilton, forcing off c.) Come on — no monkey bizness now. On your way! [EXIT c. D. going r. Harry (who has been lool-ing at newspaper clipping). If only I'd kept on comparing faces ! Dorothy (to Colonel, wfio fias fallen on cliair r. of table). You're not angry, dad. Colonel (rising, slieepishly) . Dorothy, I realize that I'm an old fool. Arthur (handing Colonel telegram). Take a look at this. Colonel! Colonel (glances at telegram). By Jove, you do know something after all. Well I misjudged you all along. (Referring to Dorothy) Take her my boy — take her. Arthur (his arm about Dorothy). You're just a trifle late, Colonel, — I've already got her. picture. QUICK CUBTAIN. MY UNCLE FROM INDIA Adapted from the Qerman A Farcical-Comedy in Four Acts, by Harold Sandei PRICE 25 CENTS This play is adapted from the same German work on which "The Private Secretary" is based, and the action throughout is in every respect as continuous and brisk as in that celebrated comedy. Richard Marsland has engaged Robert, a literary milksop, as his secretary. Lothair masquerades as the secretary at Marsland's country house. The rich uncle, just arrived from India, mistakes Robert for his nephew, resulting in absurd complica- tions. Finally, Lothair turns out to be the real nephew. Gibson's ludicrous attempts to gain a foothold in society are immensely funny and add to the startling situations with which the play fairly bristles. CHARACTERS Richard Marsland Walking Gentlemaa James McDonald, lately from India Character Lothair McDonald, blessed with a fertile imagination Lead Harry Marsland, his intimate friend, a man about town. Walking Gentleman Robert Squeezemdown, a victim of circumstances Character Ignatius Gibson, a fashionable tailor and victim of prejudice. .. .Character Mr" Woodford I" Guests at Marsland's Country House. .Walking Gentlemen John, Marsland's butler Utility Trip, bill collector Utility Two Constables. A District Messenger Utility Edith Marsland, Marsland's daughter .Lead Eva Webster, her cousin Walking Lady Mrs. Dixon, Lothair's Landlady Old Woman Miss Sarah Smith, fond of mystery Character By doubling, the characters can be reduced to 9 males and 3 females. Three Scenes, Two Interior and One Exterior. Time of Representation — Two-and-a-half Hours. NEW ENGLAND FOLKS A Rural Drama in Three Acts, by Anthony E. WiUs PRICE 25 CENTS A simple but intensely interesting story of vi-llage life. The central character is Ruth, daughter of the innkeeper, who is disowned by her father, having married against his wishes. Estrangement, unhappiness, and trouble follow, fomented by the rascality of a rival for Ruth's hand, but are finally succeeded by reconciliation and retribution. The pathetic passages are well balanced by incidents and situations which elicit roars of merriment. CHARACTERS Seth Cooley Character Joshua Merrick Old Man Judge TROWBRiDCE Character Francis Trowbridge Lead Stephen Hale Heavy Peter Payson Character P. Roger Hunnewell. .. .Character Nixon Utilfly Mrs. Mary Merrick... Old Woman Ruth Merrick Lead Effie Merrick Ingenue Kittie Sickles Character One iNiiiRioR Scene throughout the Three Acts. Time of Representation — Two-and-a-quarter Hours. MILITARY PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH M. F. BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4Acts;2hour8 10 4 EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2]4 hours 10 4 PRISONER OF ANDERSONVILLE. 4 Acts; 2J4 hours. 10 4 CAPTAIN DICK, a Acts; 1^ hours 9 6 ISABEL,, THE PEARL OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 3 LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 4 4 BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2)^ hours 9 3 BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 RURAL PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 214 hours 9 3 AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. SActs; 2}^ hours 8 4 OAIC FARM. 3 Acts; 21^ hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 GREAT AVINTERSON MINE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 4 SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 5 2 AVHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 4 FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 1 hour. . 6 3 LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 1 i ENTERTAINMENTS 25 CENTS EACH AUNT DINAH'S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene 5 11 BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene 2 30 IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; IJ^ hours 19 15 JAPANESE AVEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 10 MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; 1^ hours 4 4 YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; li^ hours 1 13 OVER THE GARDEN WALL. (15 cents) 11 8 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. \PR 13 19lt COMEDIES AND DRAMAS 25 CENTS EACH u. BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4 Acte; 2 hours 6 BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 Acts; 2i^ hours 11 COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stago Setting 9 COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 23.^ hours 9 l>EA(;ON. 5 Acts; 2>^ hours... 8 DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 3 DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3Acts;2hours 6 EASTSIDERS, Tlie. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 GIRL FROM PORTO KICO. 3 Acts; 2}^ hours 5 GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours 5 IX THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; li^ hours 4 .lAIL BIRD. 5 Acts; 21.^ hours 6 .JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4Acts;2houis 7 MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 21^ hours 9 MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2i^ liours 13 NEXT DOOR. 3Acts;2honrs 5 PIIYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 REGULAR FLIRT. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 ROGUE'S LUCK. 3 Acts; 2 hours 5 SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts; 2]^ hours 6 STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2]^ hours 5 WHAT'S NEXT? 3 Acts; 2}^ hours 7 WHITE LIE. 4Acts; 2i^ hours 4 WESTERN PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH ROCKY FORD. 4Acts;2hour8 8 GOLDEN GULCH. 3Acts;2^hour8 11 RED ROSETTE. 3Acts;2hours 6 MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2^ hours. ... 5 STUBBORN INIOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 CRA^VFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2J4 hours. 9 I DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y