lie Arrival of Kitty / PS 3537 .W375 ,P7 11914 A Farce in Three Acts Copy 1 By NORMAN LEE SWARTOUT Author of '"-One of the Etght^' ''- Half- Back Sandy ^' etc. All rights reserved under the International Copyright Act. Performance forbidden and right of representation reserved! Application for the right of performing this play by professional actors must be made to the author, Norman Lee Swartout 24 Blackburn Road, Summit, New Jersey, and all royalties should be paid to him. BOSTON WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 1914 T The Arrival of Kitty THE PERSONS IN THE PLAY ' . William Winkler. j / - ' Aunt Jane, /lis sister, Jane, /it's niece. Bobbie Baxter. Benjamin More. Ting, a bell-boy. Sam, a colored porter. Kitty, an actress. SuzETTE, Aunt Jane s maid. Scene.— The office of the Halcyon House, in the Catskill Mountains. Time. — One day last August. ACT I. Late morning. ACT II. Early afternoon. ACT III. Almost evening. Copyright, 1914, sr Norman Lee Swartout Ai author and proprietor y All rights resented APR 27 1914 §)[;i.D 3G924 ^ 1^ The Arrival of Kitty THE ORIGINAL CAST (jIs produced at The We&t End Theatre^ Neiv York CUy^ October 22 y I god) William Winkler .... Eddie Bower. Bobbie Baxter Hal Johnson.^ Benjamin More Edwin Felix. Ting Effie Pearson. Aunt Jane Edith Bower. Jane . . . . . . Vinnie Bradcotne. Suzette Pearl Reavere. Sam Fred Peel. Kitty Eve ken Dunmore, *NOTE Mr. Hal Johnson has appeared in the part of Bobbie Baxter over two thousand times. PLEASE NOTICE The professional stage-rights in this play are strictly re- served by the author to whom applications for its use should be addressed. Amateurs may obtain permission to produce it privately on payment of a fee of ten dollars (^lo.oo) for the first and five dollars (^5.00) for each subsequent perform- ance, or twenty-five dollars (^25,00) a week, in case that num- ber of performances be given, always in advance. Correspond- ence on this subject should be addressed and all such payments made, to Norman Lee Swartout, 24 Blackburn Road, Summit, New Jersey, though payment of royalty may be made as a matter of convenience through the publishers. Attention is called to the penalties provided by law for any infringements of the author's rights, as follows : "Sec. 4966 :— Any person publicly performing or representing any 'dramatic or musical composition for which copyright has been obtained, without the consent of the proprietor of said dramatic or musical composi- tion, or his heirs and assigns, shall be liable for damages therefor, such damages in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred dollars for the first and fifty dollars for every subsequent performance, as to the court shall appear to be just. If the unlawful performance and rep- resentation be wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction be imprisoned for a period not exceeding one year."— U. S. Revised Statutes, Title bo, Chap. 3. The Arrival of Kitty THE FIRST ACT SCENE. — The office and tenvporary dining-room of the Halcyon House^ a hotel in a secluded part of the Catskill Mountains. There are three openings ^ L., R. and c. C. leads into hallicay or may show exterior moun- tain baclting. In u. R. corner is the hotel office desh, with mail-lox^ keys., register, sta- tionery., etc., etc. u. L. is a sideboard with dishes, etc. L.j[, is a small wall desk and R. c, a smaU table set for meal / L. c. a small settee I chairs, palms, ajpjpropriate pic- tures, 7'ugs, etc., complete furnishings. Over C. D. hangs a large sign marked " Tran- quillity^'' xohich is the hotel motto. As the curtain rises slowly. Ting, a srfiall bell- boy, in uniforrfi, and Sam, a big color ed^ porter, in large swallow-tail coat and fancy vest, with skin tight trousers, are discovered asleep ; Ting behind table r. c. and Sam with his feet ha^iging over end of settee, 7 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY ^^ ^^ -^t'^i '^ ^.^<^^''^^i of Mrde and dis- tant coK-lelU After a moment Sam snores move^, opens las eyes, stretches, yawns, gets ^PMsat Tj^g. cAuekles ..^ly to Mm- 7' 'T^V J^^'^y^^ones ! " and then shuf- Ji^ slowly of c, hut returns almost im- mediateiy bearing a letter. AM BeU-bov: ^^j youj [Gives him%csh wJdch tojrples him to floor.-] T\^ake up ! TlXG. jj^'l'^^V'^J''^ ^'^ ^^'^^^^' '^^'^n like a football-] Left tackle back. 4-r7-6-E-E. [^ith head low h^ riif.es aroundfront of table and bumps into bAM.] Down ! ^ Sam. [PuUing himself together:] Say. you younff rascal what's de mattah ? ^ -^ ^ ^^ TlXG. Gee, I dreamed I made a touchdown I What do^ou mean by waking me up at this unearthly Sam. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 9 Ting. {Snatching letter r\ Well, why didn't you say so ? yBtad-% Utter. Bu^ness of Sam read- ing over dundder.] Well, what do vou think of that ? Sam. Anybody dead ? It's from the boss. Listen I [Beads letter.'] " Dear Tinglepaugh : I shall be detained by business in Xew York for a day or two and want you to take charge of the Halcyon House during my absence, not forgetting to preserve the tranquillity which is at present our chief asset." *• Sam. Dat's right I Ting. Shut up 1 — " For your services I shall pay in addition to your regular salary " [to Sam] which I do not get ! Sam. Dat's right : Ting. •* Ten per cent, of all business done before mv return." Gee I lO THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Sam. Hurrah ! Ting. " Hoping that I may find a full house await- ing me, I am, yours truly, Calvin Peck water." Is that all the mail there was ? ^ Sam. Yaas, suh — 'cept a telegram foh de boss. Ting. Well, why didn't you say so ? Sam. Ah did say so, didn't Ah ? Ting. Silence ! You may fetch the message, slave. Sam. [BUnki7ig.] Ah said de telegram was foh de boss. Ting. Well, I'm the boss, am I not ? Sam. My boss ? Ting. Certainly. Didn't you hear what I read to you? THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 1 Sam. Yaas, ma'am, but [Scratclies head.] Wal, wal, so yo' am de boss, eh ? Ting. I am the boss. "N^ow brino: me the telefirium. snake Sam. All right — woi^n. [Gets telegram from desk and hands it to TiXG. Half aside.'] De idocity ob dat kid bein' mah boss ! [Muifibles to himself. Ting. [After reading telegratn.] The rush has commenced. We're going to do a great busi- ness, Sam. Sam. Am it jx)ssible dat a boarder am gwinter arrive ? Ting. Not one, but a whole family of boarders — and I get ten j)or cent. How's this for be- ginners' luck? [Reading telegram.] '* Will arrive Halcyon H(Mise noon with two ladies, maid and dog. William Winkler." Sam. Sounds rich, don't he ? 12 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY TiNCx. I hope he's a good spender. Did the bus meet the 11 ; 20 ? Sam. Yaas, ma'am. Ting. ^ They ought to be here by this time. TSam ^ Z«j.^W] Say, you make me nervous. What's the matter ? Sam {Laughing.^ Ah was jes' thinkin' day no- he h ^^^ ^ ^ gwintei- believe yo' de boss. He, Ting. And why not ? {PovnUng to hrass humns on Ting's rmi- JO^"^\ -Dose brass buttons am gwinter tell de tale. He, he, he! IPulls doion vestA Ah am t got no brass buttons on me ! He he he » Ting. nl.tV<^ ''I t^>^^f^*^0 Ah! [Puts arm about ^AU farmharly,-\ Say, old man, how'd days ^ ' Uh ^ "" "^^ ^'''''' ''''^^ ^""^ ^ ''''"P^^ ^^ THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 3 Sam. {Crossing.] And me in mah shirt-sleeves ? No, sah. TiNcr. {Removing Au- jcvcket.] Not for a minute. Here. A fair exchange gathers no moss. [ Voice h^ard off stage. '" Whoa ! " Thsy listen.'] They've come. Winkler. {C>f stage c] Is this the Halcyon House ? [ Voice heard offstage. *' Yep.''] Doesn't look much like the pictures, does it ? [ Voice heard off' .stage. '' Nope. Git ap ! " Cracks wh ip. Ting. Sam, I'll appoint you my assistant. Do as I say and I'll give you two per cent, of all I make. Sam. Money speaks ter me ! {Removes coat with alacrity. Ting helps him on with jacket, which is muvli too small. Business.] Yo' kin have everything -Ah got on, Mistah Boss, foh two per cent. {Crosses^ trying to 7 nake jacket fit.] Trilie snuii:, ain't it V 14 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Ting. Clinging effect is all the fashion this year. Now hurry to receive the guests and conduct them hither. {Places his cap on Sam's head ; it is much too small. Sam. {As he goes.] Say, Mr. Ting, it may be sty- lish, but Ah can't help feelin' kinder immodest in dis heah costume. {Exit c. Goes L. Ting laughs^ puts on Sam's coat, which is many sizes too large / turns up the sleeves, puts pillow in front and takes importa/nt attitude behind desk. Winkler. {Off stage.] Where is the office of this man- forsaken place ? Sam. Straight ahead to your left, suh ! {Enter Winkler, a jolly looking man of fifty fve, dressed in a fashionable business suit. Gray Jiair and small side whiskers / glasses on cord. Sam follows with his suit-case. Winkler. Good-morning, sir. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 5 Tl^G. Good-morning and welcome to our moun- tain. {TJiey shake hands. Winkler. My name is William Winkler, from the city — you had my wire ? Ting. Ah yes, Mr. Winkler. Will you scribble in our autograph album ? Winkler. Yes. [He vyt^it'CS. Sam. \Pointing to buttons on jacket.'] Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief [Significant look at TiNG.J Eeney, meeny, miney, mo Winkler. [Returning pen to Ting.] You have made reservations ? Ting. I think we can accommodate you, sir, in spite of the fact that we're having a splendid season. Sam. Catch a nigger by the toe ! l6 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Ting. The ladies won't mind doubling, with room for maid adjoining ? Winkler. Yery good. Ting. And you and the canine in No. 17. Winkler. What floor ? Ting. First door to the right. Beautiful room, southern exposure. Winkler. Now, look here, I don't want any exposures. That's why I'm here — to get away from things. Ting. Ah, but you've come to the right place, sir. Wonderful how nutritious the mountain air is. Why, when I came here two months ago, I was a mere stripling and look at me now. Sam. An' look at me ! {Tries to pull down jacket Winkler. Well, all I care about is the seclusion. Seems quiet ; put me down for those rooms. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 7 Ting. We're very glad to put you up, sir. I'll make a special rate for the party, including canine, at fifty dollars a day. Winkler. {Shocked.^ Could I borrow an ear trumpet ? Sam. [ Counting buttons.] If he hollers, let him go. Ting. [In a louder voice.] I say forty dollars a day with dog. WlXKLKi:. liow much is it with meals ? TlN(J. All meals a la carte, sir. Sam. [To himself.] And Ah git two per cent. I higiires on sinall pad. Winklek. Well, my sister-in-law pays the bills, but, dear me, isn't that a little steep ? l8 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Ting. But remember where you are, Mr. "Winkler — on the side of a mountain — of course it seems steep to you, but then everything in the moun- tains is high, you know. Sam. Oh, yaas. [Ting signals Sam to keep quiet. WiNKLEK. Is it possible ? Ting. Ah, but consider your closeness to nature. Oh, you'll love it here, Mr. Winkler, especially at night, the noise is so silent, and then to be lulled into dreamland by the distant croak of the mud-turtles ! Winkler. Let that pass and come to important matters. First of all, where do you keep the bar ? l^Goes down B. Ting. Bar ! Bar ! — Now where have I heard that word before? Bar ? {^Coming out c. Sam. [l. c] Dere's a crow-bar in de cellar. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY IQ Ting. \^Near Winklp:r.j Oh, I know what you mean, but I'm very soriy to say that intoxi- cating beverages are strictly prohibiteulUner cent, gwin' right out de door. Winkler. [c.j That sounds better, but I must warn you to keep the bar bills separate from my sister-in-law *s. She's very strict ; has a perfect horror of whiskey, and the stage, and — oh, well, you know the kind. Aunt Jane. [Offstage.'] William! 20 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY WlNKLEK. Yes, ray dear ! That's she. Aunt Jane. \^As she enters.] Can't we go to our rooms ? I'm a perfect fright ! [Aunt Jane in a typical old maid of about fifty — hoDiely^ ludicrously dressed in inappropriate styU and colors. SuzETTE, a pretty maidyfol- Imvs^ vrlth dog on chain. WlXKLEK. Certainly, my dear. How do you like the place ? Aunt J axe. The scenery is magnificent, William, and I think when I recover from the fatigue of the journey it will be delightful. Ting. We shall do our best to make your sojourn memorable, madam. {Crosses to c. Aunt Jane. [To Suzette.] Isn't he cute ? I'm sure we shall like it with such an attractive host ! THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 21 Ting. ^Bowing l&w.] Madam, I am your servant. [Aunt Jank f/ict'« silly (jiggle. Aunt Jank. What numbers are we, William V TlNCi. Sam, conduct the ladies to Suite sixteen. Sam. Dis way, ladies. [^Opens door on l. and goes of. Aunt Jane. [Liitghing and coquetting in a silly tmmner. WiNKLKU OH, a rleaji cut OAul good-looking chap of twenty-two. Bob. [^Throwivg hw s^uitrcase to floar.'] Boy ! Boy! 28 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Sam. Wonderful, how youthful dis co^Uime makes me. Bob. Where's the proprietor ? [Crosses to L. Sam. You mean de boss ? Bob. Yes, where is he ? Sam. Ah ain't sure but Ah think he's countin' money — jes' a moment, suh ! [Exit^ R. I. Bob walks about as if look- ing for some one. Goes u. c. Ting. [Enteri/ag from R. i, — talking hack. Sam follows.'] Yes, ten dollars a day is cheap when you consider the tranquillity. [Starts to greet Bob.] I think we have just one room left, sir [J^ecognises Bob.} Bob! Bob. Ting! Ting. Give me the grip ! [They shake. Bicsi/ness for Sam with Bob's case. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 29 Bob. [l. c] Well, in the name of Yale, what^s the answer to it ? Does the team train up here ? Ting. [r. c] Xo; you know I'm one of those lucky chaps that have to work during vacation — ^got a job up here as bell-boy — boss is away and I am " IT ! " Bob. Seems to agree with you. {^Indicating his iiiCTeensive— but I'd pass away without it, so charge it up, charge it up ! 36 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Ting. Will you sign, sir ? [Hands him pad. Winkler. [Readiiig^^ " One noiseless smoke, $2.00." [Sights. ^ Now send me the waiter, please. Ting. Yes, sir. [Takes telegram fi'om desh?^ Oh, by the way, there was a telegram came for you this morning. \Exit^ c. Winkler. [Putting on glasses and opening message.'] Must be from More. [Reads.] '' Boat in port. Will take first train for Halcyon after dock- ing." — Ah ! — " Make all arrangements for im- mediate marriage. B. More." [Joyfidly^ Arrangements ! You bet I'll make arrange- ments — and the prenuptial festivities shall be- gin at once. [Rings hell on table violently y contimtss until Sam speaks. Enter Sam, c, in a hurry, struggling to get into a large white apron. Sam. Did you ring, suh ? Winkler. No. I was whistling. Are you the waiter ? THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 37 Sam. Ah'm whateber yo' rang fob, sub. Winkler. Tben disappear immediately, and return sooner witb a study in black and white. Are you wise ? Sam. Wbere wisdom is bliss 'tis folly to be igno- rant. Winkler. That's the idea, Sara : bring me a nice long glass of bliss. Sam. [Going.] Yaas, sub ! Yaas, sub ! Winkler. And, waiter ! Sam. Yaas, suh ! Winkler. Don't keep me long in " ignorance," will you? Sam. No, suh — no, suh ! [Bxit c. to L. Anter Aunt Jane with- out hat and gloves. Crosses L. 38 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Aunt Jane. Ah, William, is luncheon ready ? Winkler. Yes, my dear. Come right along and sit down and listen to the glad tidings ; More will be here on the next train and his marriage with Jane takes place at six o'clock this evening. Aunt Jane. And has she consented ? Winkler. Oh, she can't refuse now. Aunt Jane. Oh, I'm so relieved to think she won't go on the stage. You know what an aversion 1 have for actresses. Winkler. Yes, I know, I know. Aunt Jane. Almost as great an aversion as I have for strong drink. Winkler. [Thinking of drink he has ordered^] Great Scott ! THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 39 Aunt Jane. William, you seem to be a great success at arranging marriages. Don't you suppose you could manage to arrange one for me V {Giggles, Winkler. Impossible ! Aunt Jane. It's an awful thing to pass into spinsterhood unwooed, unhonored and unloved. WiNKLEK. I suppose it is. Aunt Jane. Of course I'm getting along now. I shall never see thirty again, you know. Winkler. \To himself.'] Not with a telescope. Aunt Jane. But I'm still girlish in my ways and Suzette says I'm really beautiful at times. Winkler. Especially at times. Aunt Jane. The fact is, brother, I'm lonely. Can't you find me a husband ? 40 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Winkler. "Well, you see, Jane, I'm very busy just now and, of course, my time is money and Aunt Jane. I was just coming to that, William. Your hatred of all that is evil, your freedom from all bad habits, and especially your aversion to the stage and to liquor, have touched me deeply. Winkler. \NeT'ooush|^^ I'm afraid you flatter, my dear. Aunt Jane. And I want you to understand that you are not to be forgotten when I am no more. Winkler. {Pretending to he affected. ^^ Oh, sister, dear sister, may that time be long delayed — [to him- self] when I shall be forgotten. [ Wi2)es his eyes. Sam enters c. Sam. Bery sorry, suh, but — [Winkler mate 5^^/15 to Sam] de boss says dat drinks served in de cafe am extra. Aunt Jane. Drinks ! What does this mean, William ? THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 4I Winkler. Mean? Why, why, it means that I was thirsty and ordered a drink of — of — eh — what do you call it, waiter '? Sam. You called it " bliss," suh. Aunt Jane. It sounds suspicious, William. [To Sam.] Is it intoxicating, my good man ? Winkler. Aunt Jane ! How could you ? Why, it's a new kind of cowless milk that grows in the mountains, isn't it, waiter '? {Gwes Sam a \oink. Sam. Ah'm ignorant. Winkler. I should say you were. Take the lady's order and leave the " milk " until later. Sam. \Blinking?[ Yaas, suh ! Aunt Jane. I'm not ver}'' hungry this noon, but you may bring me some grapes — and 42 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Sam. {Stands with jpad and ^pencil.'] Grape fruit or grape nuts, missus ? Aunt Jane. [Speaking rapidly.'] Just plain grapes, and, let me see, I think I'll have an oyster cocktail, some chestnut soup, whitebait on toast, squab stuffed with pate de foies gras, mint jelly, hash browned potatoes, fried green peppers, hearts of celery, caviare tarts, a Waldorf salad, marshmellow parfait, macaroons, nuts, mixed fruit, a large cup of French coffee, and Winkler. [ Who has been trying to stop her.'] Jane, oh Jane, I beg your pardon for interrupting but I feel it my solemn duty to warn you that we are not at a Childs' Kestaurant, we are at the Halcyon House, for grown-up billionaires, and the prices are somewhat upward. Aunt Jane. Oh, thank you, William — in that case I'll just have a cup of coffee and roUs. Winklee. Ditto for me, Samuel. Sam. Will you hab sugah, suh ? THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 43 Winkler. Sugar ! Why, certainly, of course [Sam starts. '\ Wait a moment — sugar extra? Sam. Fifty cents, suh. Aunt Jane. Oh, as long as we're here, William, let's en- joy ourselves. Winkler. As you will, Jane, but it seems wicked. {Pauses^ Waiter, two small lumps of sugar. Sam. Yaas, suh. Aunt Jane. And, boy — one spoon will be enough. Winkler. Sure, I can stir mine with a lead pencil. And, Samuel, you needn't bring me any saucer. Sam. No, suh ! \To himself.'] And Ah gits two per cent. ! Winkler. After Jane's wedding we'll get back to the Plaza where things are reasonable. Oh, sister, 44 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY you were about to say when we were inter- rupted ? Aunt Jane. Oh, yes. What I started to say, William, was this : If you will use j^our influence in making me the better half of some good man, it will not be necessary for you to wait until I die before coming into your share. Winkler. What a beautiful thought ! Aunt Jane. On the day of my marriage you will receive a check for ten thousand dollars. Winkler. {Trying to appear iinconceimed.'] I certainly must have ear trouble. You know, Jane, it sounded to me just as though you said ten thousand dollars then. It's a funny thing ! Aunt Jane. Your ears do not deceive you, brother. Winkler. You mean that I get ten thousand for finding a man willing to marry you ? Aunt Jane. Never have I been more in earnest. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 45 Winkler. Then start the trousseau at once. We'll have a double wedding. Before sunset you'll be a married woman — if there's a single man this side of the Mississippi. I'll find somebody or bust! Aunt Jane. {Over come. '\ Oh, William, this is so sudden. It quite takes my breath away ! \Rises^ goe^ dovyn c] My heart is thumping so fast that I believe I shall have to go and lie down for a few moments. Have the coffee sent to my room. [She reels. Winkler. {Catching her.] For Heaven's sake, Jane, don't faint in the Halcyon. It's liable to be extra. Suzette I Suzette ! [Fans her.] Jane, compose yourself ; you're not married yet. Aunt Jane. Be sure to get me the best you can, won't you, brother-in-law ? Winkler. Steady, old girl, steady ! I'll do my best, but — but of course you can't be too particular in a case like this. [Suzette appears L.] Take her away, Susv. 46 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Aunt Jane. {As SuzETTE takes her off.] At last ! My dream is coming true, at last ! [Mseunt Aunt Jane and Suzette, l. Winkler. , [To himself, elated.] Ten thousand added to ten thousand — twenty thousand dollars! \_Dam.ces about] And when I get it, Kitty, old girl, you'll have a diamond necklace that'll make the bald-headed row sit up and take notice. Oh, joy ! [Enter Sam with tioo cujps of cofee ofi tray, c. L. Sam. [Watchi7ig Winkler as he dances about] 'Cuse me, suh, but de coffee and sugar Winkler. Take it to Suite sixteen. And then you may bring me that drink I ordered. Sam. Yaas, suh, — Suite sixty-one, did you say, suh ? [Mcit, L. Winkler. [Lost in thought again.] I'll get that ten thousand if I have to dress up some hobo ! [Sits on sofa. Enter Ting, c- l. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 47 Ting. Anything I can do for you, Mr. Winkler ? Winkler. By Jove, I believe you can. Ting Good ! Winkler. Am I right in surmising that you are the product of a Brain Factory V Ting. Yale is resix)nsible for any gray matter I happen to possess. Winkler. The very man I want. I have a problem I desire to dip into an educated think-tank. How much ? Ting. Depends entirely upon the diflficulty of the solution. Winkler. Where can I find a husband for my sister-in- law? Ting. \SxirjpTised?^ Well, seeing it's you, Mr. Winkler, I'll do it for a century note. 48 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Winkler. A hundred dollars ! You're engaged. Ting. So is Aunt Jane. The solution is very simple. Winkler. Simple ! I guess you didn't take a good look at her, did you ? Ting. Oh, I've seen worse with husbands. Winkler. You must have traveled more than I. But simplify. Ting. \TJjp R., getting telephone hook.] Well, the first step is to call up the Matrimonial Agency. Winkler. Matrimonial Agency ! By Jove ! [Crosses to R. Ting. [Looking through hook.] They supply men in large or small quantities. [I)own c. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 49 WlKKLER. That shows what a college education'll do. I'd never have thought of such a thing m a thousand years. \^%ts R. Ting. {SearcUng?^ Urn !— Let's see— K, L, M, Ma — m-a-n, man Winkler. That's what we're after. Ting. Manhattan— ah ! Matrimonial Agency, 23 Jay Street, Number 711, Madison. \In 'phone.'] Hello! Get me New York right away, please. \^Enter Sam with a high-hall on tray, c. Sam. Heah am your " milk," Mr. Bliss. Winkler. Ah, thank you, Samuel— just in time to brace me up for the busiest day of my life. Sam. [Offering hill.'] Sign, please. 50 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Winkler. [Taking hill.] I'm almost afraid to face it. [Puts on glasses ; reads.] One highball, twenty cents; glass five cents; ice three cents,— cheaper than I expected ; total, one dollar and twenty-eight cents. [Pause:] Did you do this on an adding machine, Samuel ? Sam. Yaas, suh — in my head. Winkler. Will you please excuse me for inquiring what the extra simolian is for ? Sam. [Pause:] License, suh ! Winkler. [As he si^ns.] Individual licenses are a new one on me. But I'm learning. [Sam goes out with hill, c. L. Ting. [In 'jplwne.] Hello ! Give me seven and a • couple of aces, please. Winkler. [Looking at his glass.] One hundred and twenty-eight cents.— I must take it slowly. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 5 1 Ting. \In ^phone.'] Hello ! Is this the homo fac- tory ? I mean the Matrimonial Bureau ? [Winkler interested.'] Yes. It is ? Well, connect me with the Men's Furnishing Depart- ment, will you, please ? [Winkler drinks. ] Good-morning. Will you take my order, please ? Keady ? — Now, have you some nice, fresh men in this morning ? What ? — Not a man on the place ? [Winkler hcis glass half-way up to his lips and holds it there.'] Oh, I see. Yes, well, if you should have any returned send them immediately to the Halcyon House, Catskill Mountains. It's a fine chance for the right man. All right. Thank you. Good-bye. [Hangs up receive?'.] Pshaw ! They say men are very scarce at this time of year. Winkler. It isn't going to be as simple as you thought, is it? Ting. One was out on approv^al, but they think he may be returned before night and you heard what I told them. Winkler. [Goi7ig R.] Well, let me know if he gets here. Meanwhile I'll go and enjoy my south- ern exposure. l&it, R. Bell rings off c . 52 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Ting. Coming, coming ! [Exit^ c. Enter from c, Bob ; enter from L., Jane. Bob. Jane ! Jane. Bobbie ! Bob. My darling ! Jane. What are you doing here ? Bob. I came for you, Jane. Jane. Oh, Bob, I'm afraid you're too late. Benja- min More has landed. Bob. But you're not married to him ? Jane. No — not yet. Bob. Then let's get away from here at once. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 53 Jane. Let me think first. Bob. Jane, you do care for me, don't you ? Jane. I don't exactly hate you. Bob. You love me and you know it. Jane ! {He takes lier in his arms. WiNKLER enters R., suddenly. Winkler. I bet that'll be extra ! Mr. More, I'm glad to see [Bob turns.'] You ! You ! SJIe struggles fcyr words. Bob. Yes, me. Winkler. Jane, you go finish reading " Paradise Lost " to your aunt. \^Exit Jane slowly, L.] I won't waste any words with you, you young scoun- drel ! Get out of this hotel ! Get oft* from this mountain. My niece is engaged to Mr. Benja- min More and if you don't disappear before he comes, there'll be another murder mystery for the papers. 54 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Bob. Mr. Winkler, I^ ask you, man to man, to put yourself in my place. Jane and I love each other. Give me a chance. WiNKLEE. I'll give you just fifteen minutes to pack up and get out. {Enter Ting, c, with letter from L. Ting. Special delivery for you, Mr. Winkler. Winkler. [TaJcmg letter.] Special delivery ? Why — I [Puts (yti glasses and proceeds to open. Bob. [Taking Ting o^ide.] Ting, I want a little fatherly advice. \^T^^y *^^^^ '^P- Ting. I told you not to let him see you yet. Bob. I know, but he came in when I wasn't look- ing, and [Exeunt Ting and Bob, c. Go E. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 55 Winkler. {Raising letter tv nose ^ Some lady, eh ? By Jove ! {&its at table R. c] Looks like Kitty's writing. [Begins to read.] " Dear old boy " — it's Kitty all right — "Dear old boy, what has become of you ? Haven't seen you since our little trip to Coney. I have just learned of your whereabouts and before beginning re- hearsals I think I shall join you for a little mountain air." — Great Scott ! Not if I know it ! — " I am homesick for one of your old time champagne suppers. You may expect me al- most any time. With love and a thousand kisses, I am, your own little tootsy-wootsy, Kitty."— Holy Moses! What shall I do?— "P. S. I enclose my latest photograph." [Tal'es out photo.'] Fine ! There's no use talk- ing, Kitty certainly is a beautiful woman. \_Tunis photo.] " In remembrance of our quiet little blow-out at Dreamland, July 4th." [^Tak- ing envelope. Leaves letter and p)hoto on table.] Just as well not to have my name connected with a letter like this. {^Destroys envelope and goes to desk.] And now to keep Kitty away. If sister-in-law Jane ever found out that I had a speaking acquaintance with a real live actress — that ten thousand w^ould fade away into airy nothingness. [ Writes.] " Miss Kitty Benders, Imperial Hotel, Broadway, New York." [Con- tinues to write. Enter TiNO, c, with vase of $6 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY flowers and jputs it on table R. c, and in straight- ening things discovers the letter and jphotogrojph which Winkler has left. He tiptoes out with them. Winkler writing telegram.l "Don't under any circumstances come up here. Will meet you at Kector's Thursday, Y p. M., and explain all. Old Boy." [Rising.'] Now I'll just give [crossing to R.] this to the operator myself, and — [looking for letter'] operator my- self , and — and \_Blin'ks.'\ Why, I'd swear I [Searches in pochetsJ] Great Scott ! That's the queerest thing [Crosses to L. Looks through desk ; throws papers around^ etc.] How careless ! [Empties waste basket. Finally gets on his knees and looks under sofa. Busi- ness. Ting brings Bob to c, and putting the letter and photo in his hands, pushes him into room. Exit Ting. Bob conceals letter and photo and coTTies carelessly down whistling. Bob. Matter, Uncle William, lost anything ? Winkler. [l. c. JuTnping up and trying to appear un- concerned?^ No — what makes you think Didn't I tell you to disappear ? THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 57 Bob. I thought you " looked " as though you'd lost something, Mr. Winkler. Winkler. [ Watching Bob closely. 1 You haven't found anything, have you ? Bob. Why, yes, I think I have. Winkler. You have ? Where ? Bob. [Quietly.'] Right here in this room. Winkler. [Trying to control himself.'] What— what was it? Bob. Well, Winkler, since you seem to be so inter- ested I'll tell you. I've found Winkler. Yes? Bob. I've found that I'm very much in love with Jane. 58 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Winkler. [Believed, laughing.'] Oh, is that all ? [Crosses to R. Bob. That is a good deal, Winkler, but it is not all. Winkler. [Again interested.] No ? Bob. [Quietly.] I have also found that you will give your consent to our marriage. Winkler. Young man, how dare you insult me by any such insinuation ? [Starts off R. Bob. One moment if you please, Mr. Winkler. Winkler. [Stopping.] Well ? Bob. Would it pain you very much to prolong our acquaintance for just about two minutes ? Winkler. [Starting agairi. Feeling in pocket.] It would. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 59 Bob. I only wanted to ask you something about Dreamland. Winkler. [Coming hack. Eyeing Bob suspiciously.^ What's that ? Did you say Dreamland ? Bob. Yes ; what kind of a place is it ? I'm going there on my wedding trip. Winkler. How should I know ? Bob. You've been there, of course ? Winkler. Well, ves, I've been there several times. Who hasn't ? Bob. I haven't. By the way, it was pretty quiet there on the Fourth of July, wasn't it, Mr. Winkler ? Winkler. Young man, what's your game ? 6o THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Bob. My game is to win ! And by George, you can't stop me this time, [c] I've got my hand full of trumps and the widow up my sleeve and her name is "• Kitty." Winkler. [r. c] You're a joker, Bobbie; you speak in a language that I don't understand. Bob. Then perhaps jy^our eyesight is better than your earsight. [Disjplays letter and photo J\ Perhaps you'll understand this letter and this photograph. One of the most notorious women on the New York stage. Winkler. [Glancing at picticre and trying to appear unconcerned.] Deuced pretty girl — but not good company for a boy of your age, Bobbie. [Tries to seise them. Init fails. Bob. No, you don't ! You can have them when I'm through and not before. Winkler. Ha ! — well, — what's your price ? THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 6 1 Bob. Jane. Winkler. And if I refuse ? Bob. Aunt Jane and More shall know you for what you are — a hypocrite I Winkler. Ha! Do you suppose they'll believe your word against mine ? \Cro88e8 to l. Bob. But I hold the proofs. Winkler. Undeveloped proofs, yes. Bob. But the photo seems to be a very good ex- posure, Mr. Winkler. Do I get Jane ? Winkler. My answer is the negative. Bob. Jane ! Oh, Jane ! {Goes to door L., calh off. Winkler crosses hack to R., nervous, thinking. 62 ^ THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Jane. [0/l.] Yes, Bobbie! Bob. Can you and Aunt Jane come in here right awav? Jane. In just a minute, Bob. Bob. [c. to Winkler.] And even if they shouldn't believe these, I can send for the lady herself. Winkler. [r. c] You don't know her address. Bob. Oh, I v7on't have any trouble if I need her. Winkler. But what good'll it do you ? Kitty knows her business. She's game all right. Bob. And so is Bobbie Baxter. Game to the bitter end and don't you forget it. \Enter Jane and Aunt Jane, l. Jane. Here we are, Bobbie. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 63 Aunt Jane. Oh, William, I hope nothing serious has happened. Winkler. Nothing to get excited over, my dear. Aunt Jane. Then why did you send for us in such a hurry ? {Sits on sofa l. Jane hehind her. Bob. [c] I sent, Aunt Jane. Jane. Oh, Bobbie, be careful what you do. Winkler. Mr. Baxter has a little confession he wants to get off his mind. Aunt Jane. Please proceed quickly, young man ; I have other things to think of to-day. Haven't I, William ? Bob. I hardly know how to say it, but you ought to know that for years you have had in your midst one who has basely deceived you. You will hardly believe me when I speak his name, but much as I dislike to speak it, 1 must, even 64 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY I Winkler. [Suddenly sweeping Bob aside.'] Nobly done, oung man ! But, sister, let's be easy with him. c] Let's forgive and forget him if we can. \_Action very fast tcntil curtain. Bob. What are you talking about ? Aunt Jane. That's what I want to know. [Rises. Jane. What does it mean ? Who is he ? Winkler. [Quickly.'] There he stands — Robert Baxter, the self-confessed hypocrite ! Bob. [Hardly able to speak.] He lies — he lies, I tell you. [r. c] Don't believe — Jane Here ! [Holds out letter and photo. Winkler. [Thu7idering.] Silence ! Aunt Jane. 1 But what's he done ? Jane. I don't understand. Together, THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 65 Winkler. [Snatching Utter and 2>hotofrovi Bob.] I'll tell you what he's done. He's been making love to you, Jane, and at the same time sneak- ing down to a place called Dreamland, and giving champagne suppers to a notorious actress who signs herself as his own Kitty. That's what he's done. Jane. I don't believe it. Bob. Absurd ! Winkler. [JIa7iding lette?' and jplwto to Jane.] Then read these. [Jane i^eads in hcrrror. Crosses down l. Bob. But I tell you those things belong to him. Winkler. [Bapidly.] Come, my dear ! [To Aunt Jane.] Let us not contaminate ourselves by breathing the same air as this impostor. [T/iei/ go lip. Aunt Jane. Oh, William, how happy I am that we have you. 66 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Winkler. Come, Jane, let us leave him alone with his shame and his guilt. {Exeunt Winkler cmd Aunt Jane, l. Jane. \Throwvng letter and photo at hisfeet.l Ah, Bobbie, how could you ? Bob. But, Jane, you don't Jane. Don't speak to me, Mr. Baxter. Go back to your Dreamland. To-night I shall become the wife of Mr. Benjamin More. {Exit, L. Bob. [After a pause — dazed.'] Well, I'll be {Goes up to c. doar and calls.'] Ting ! Ting ! curtain THE SECOND ACT SCENE. — TJie same as Act I. Bob discovered in same position as lohen curtain descended on Act I. Bob. [Calling.^ Ting, Ting !— Oh, Ting ! Ting. [(9/c.] HeUo! Bob. Come in here quick ! [Enter TiNG, R. c. from L.] Now you've done it ! Ting, [l. C.J Done it ? Done what ? Bob. Where did you get these cursed things ? [Picks them up. Ting. Right there on the table where the *' Old Boy " left them. 67 68 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Bob. Are you sure they belong to Winkler ? Ting. Certainly; why? Bob. Why ? Because he made Jane believe they were mme, that's why. Ting. What are you talking about ? Bob. Well, he did. You see they were in my hands and there's no name— only " old boy " — and before I could Ting. [Lati^Mng.] Ha, ha, ha ! That's rich. [Crosses to R. Bob. Oh, enjoy yourself ! But it's no joke for me, I can tell you. You've got to get me out of this, do you hear ? Ting. How can I ? Bob. By testifying that they were addressed to WinMer. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 69 Ting. \Serious?\ I see — but — Bob, I'd do almost anything for you — but there are reasons why I can't rouse Mr. Winkler's anger — at least not just now. Bo^. Then I might just as well give up and ^et out. \SiU, Ting. Nonsense! I can't testify against Winkler openly but I'll do all I can on the quiet, old man, and don't forget that truth crushed to earth will rise again. {Sits on sofa. Bob. Yes, but if we don't set an alarm clock it'll rise too late. Jane is going to marry More at six o'clock and then Avhat good'll truth be ? {Bell rings off. Ting. Don't give her up yet, Bob. We've got four hours and I'll think of a way out of this even if I have to use my brains to do it. Back in a minute. \Exit^ C. Goes R. Bob sinks into a chair and looks at letter and jplioio with a sigh. Jane enters L. 70 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Jane. Oh, I beg your pardon. Bob. [Jumping iip and hastily concealing photo. ^ Jane! Jane. Mr. Baxter ! [Starts off. Bob. Jane, you don't believe that pack of lies J about Kitty ? I tell you it's all a mistake. Jane. How can I believe anything else ? Bob. But I tell you that those things belong to your uncle. Jane. I notice you still cling to them. Bob. Oh, it's all too absurd. Jane, you didn't mean it vt^hen you said you were going to marry Benjamin More, did you ? Jane. On the tick of six, if he gets here. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY /I Bob. Jane, if you marry that man I'll commit suicide. Jane. It takes courage to do that. {Crosses to R. Bob. You dare me to do it ? Yery well, young lady, before sunset my body shall lie under ninety feet of water — possibly ninety-one feet. Jane. Indeed ! I suppose you've got some " Mer- maid Kitty " waiting for you at the bottom of the lake. Bob. But, Jane, you have the power to prevent this horrible deed. I tell you if you don't save me my water-soaked and fish-bitten face will haunt you into an early grave. Jane. {Crossing^ laughing.^ That's very dramatic to say the least, but it doesn't frighten me one little tiny bit, because I know that if you really love me you'll stay on dry land and hustle for some evidence that'll prove you not guilty. Bob. But you doubt my word. 72 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Jane. You can easily make me believe it. Bob. How? Jane. Send for this "Kitty." She'd soon settle between vou and Uncle William. t/ Bob. By Jove! That's a good idea. I'll do it. Jane, come to my arms. Jane. Don't touch me. {Down c] As yet, Mr. Baxter, you have proved nothing, and until the arrival of Kitty, let us consider ourselves strangers. Good-afternoon. \Exit^ c. Goes L. Bob. Jane, don't leave me like that ! Jane ! [Follows her off. Enter c. from R., Benjamin More. He is small and insignificant y hair touched with gray / flowing side whiskers y has on dark frock coat and white gaiters; carries a silk hat^ a gold-headed cams and wears glasses. His quick little steps and jerky motions stamp him as a man of nervous temperament. Ti^Gr follows hi/m. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 73 More. I'm looking for Mr. William Winkler. Ting. He's out just now. Can't I sell you a nice room with bath ? \Goe8 behind desh, and turns register.] There's just one left. More. Nice warm welcome for the bridegroom, I must say. Ting. Oh, you're from the matrimonial agency, aren't you ? More. Nonsense ! I'm Benjamin More from New York City. Ting. Oh, I beg your pardon. More. I suppose you know that I am about to sacri- fice my forty years of wisdom on the altar of Hymen, to cancel my four decades of economy by assuming the responsibility of an extra meal ticket. But I cannot ignore the wishes of my departed friend. I only hope that — that — what the deuce is my bride's name ? 74 Tt^E ARRIVAL OF KITTY Ting. Jane. More. Ah, yes. Jane ! Thank you. I only hope that Jane is supplied with a reasonable amount of good looks and amiability. We've never seen each other, you know. Ting. Oh, you'll like her. More. That's good, that's good. I'm not much on love making but in order not to have the court- ship and marriage seem too abrupt, I dashed off a little sonnet for Jane, coming up on the train. See how you like it. " Fairest, rarest maid in this whole world, For thee my heart is all unfurled, — When at thy feet I lay it bare. Thy smile shall be reflected there. " Not bad if I do say it myself. Ting. In a whisper. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 75 Moke, \^Lighting cigar. ^ When Winkler returns let me know. You'll find me enjoying a weed on the rocks. [^Goes c. jfi^i^rBoB, c, from L., hunvp- ing into More. Bob. I beg your pardon. More. Ass ! [Exit, c. Bob. Who is that, Ting ? Ting. Mr. Benjamin More. Bob. Benjamin More ! Great Scott ! I'll kill him. [Starts off c. Ting. [Stopping him.] Hold on, old man ! Things are approaching a crisis and we've got to hold a council of war. Bob. And that reminds me that we've got to get Kitty Benders up here right away. 76 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Ting. A good plan, but there isn't time — besides you don't know where to reach her. Bob. She was at the Colonial last week. Ting. You saw her ? Bob. Twice. Ting. Good ! Then we won't have to send for her. Bob. Why not ? Ting. Because she's here. Bob. Here ! Where ? Ting. In this room. Bob. Ting, have you lost your mind ? Ting. On the contrary this is the sanest and most inspired moment of my life. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 77 Bob. For cat's sake, explain yourself. Ting. You're the explanation. Bob. I don't understand. Ting. Brighten up, Bobbie, brighten up ! You're Kitty. Bob. Me! Ting. Yes, you ! Bob. By Jove ! [Rises. Crosses to L.] Oh, but you're crazy to think of such a thing. Ting. l^ot at all. Don't you see how everything is in our favor, old boy ? You're the best leading lady that ever gladdened the heart of Yale, you've all your stuff here with you, you've seen the lady twice within a week; Winkler is as blind as a bat ; what more do you want ? J^ THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Bob. \_Lookmg at photo. Crosses to K.] Well Oh, but I'm afraid it won't work. Tma. It's got to work. Now you go to your room, get on the glad rags, come back here and you'll not only win Jane, but we'll have more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Bob. It's a risk, but I'll do it. Ting. That's the boy. [."They shake hands. Bob. I'll do it ! I'll disguise myself as Kitty. I'll arrive and by thunder, if I don't get Uncle Willie backed into a corner yelling for ice- water my name is not Bob Baxter ! Ting. \Tahing him up.] Good! Hurry upl I can't wait! Bob. Hurrah ! I'll get Jane yet. [Mvit, c. Goes R. Enter Winkler, r., searching his pockets. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 79 Winkler. Say, Mr. Ting, you haven't seen anything of my eye-glasses, have you ? Ting. No, sir. Winkler. Funny ! I had two pair and I can't find anything but these old colored things. [Shows smoked glasses. Ting. There was a gentleman here just now wanted to see you. Winkler. Who was it ? Ting. Can't you guess ? Winkler. That fellow from the matrimonial agency for Aunt Jane ? Ting. You're a good guesser. Winkler. Where is he ? 8o THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Ting. Outside on the weeds enjoying a rock. I'll call him. WiNKLEE. Good. I hope he's better than those hoboes you got from the village. Ting. Oh, yes, sir. This is a real man. Just wait. [ Whistles and heclco7is off c. Winkler. [^Down stage.'] I wish I had my glasses. [Hunts. Enter More, c. More. [Aside to Ting]. Is that Winkler ? Ting. Yes, sir. More. You told him I was here ? Ting. Yes, he's waiting for you. More. Good. Ting. Mr. Winkler — the bridegroom ! THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 8l Winkler. Glad to know you, sir. More. And I'm glad to know you^ Mr. Winkler. {They shake hands c. Winkler. {Aside to Ting after walking around More in admiration. Ting goes up c] Stand guard outside. We can't afford to let him escape. Ting. I'm glad you like him. {JSxit, c, laughing y goes R. Winkler. Now let's sit down and talk things over. More. Certainly, my dear Winkler. ^They sit on sofa. Winkler. Now, of course, you know why you were sent for ? More. Yes, indeed, and I do not hesitate to say that I can hardly wait for the ceremony to be per- formed. S2 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Winkler. You're not half as impatient as I am, my friend. Now, I don't suppose you'll object to a few questions. More. But I thought Oh, very well. Winkler. You didn't happen to bring your pedigree with you, did you ? More. \As if to resent this cmd then deciding to take it as a joke.'] Well, no, but I can assure you that I have a full set of teeth and four of my ancestors came over in the Mayflower. Winkler. An excellent record, my dear friend. Now how about references ? Didn't you like your last place ? More. \Risvng^ excitedly.] Keferences! I want you to understand, Mr. Winkler, that I didn't travel all this distance to be insulted. . Winkler. {Pushing More haclc into seat.] Now don't get excited, my friend. It's all right. It's all THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 83 right. I accept your apology. You needn't show 'em if you don't want to. Moke. \PaGified?\ I hardly think it necessary in my case, Mr. Winkler. Winkler. Well, perhaps not, but I always like to be on the safe side. However, you're such an im- provement on the other bunch that I am willing to accept you carte hlancJie. Moke. Ah, then, there have been. others ? I am not the first suitor ? Winkler. No, indeed. But I hope you will be the last. More. Thank you, Winkler, that's why I'm here. Winkler. I am more than pleased with your appear- ance. More. You flatter me. 84 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Winkler. Not at all, sir. Why, do you know that once or twice since you have been sitting there I have seen a gleam of almost human intelligence flash across your countenance. More. {Rising^ Well, I must say Winkler. \Putthig him down.] Oh, don't attempt to deny it. It's a fact, sir, and I'm overjoyed at it. I like your face immensely. It's so differ- ent from the other applicants — your face is so full of features. Oh, I'm more than pleased. More. [Confused.'] But how about my lady love ? Winkler. Your bride ? More. Yes ; do you think she'U like me ? Winkler. Like you? Why, my dear brother, she'll jump at you — actually jump at you ! More. You really think so ? THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 85 Winkler. I know so. But the trouble is I'm very much afraid that you're going to '^'jump " at her. More. From what I hear I know I shall be de- lighted with her. Winkler. [jRising and kissing Mo RE on forehead.^ Bless you, for those kind words. I thank you a thousand times, in fact I thank you '' ten thousand " times. More. Don't mention it. Will. Winkler. I don't know what you've heard, but I think it only fair to warn you in advance not to ex- pect too much. More. [Disa2}poi7ited.] No ? Winkler. [Hastening to reassure him.] Not too^ too much. Of course, expect something, but as I say not too much. I may as well confess right here that Jane has never taken any prizes at a beauty show. In plain words, she's homely — extremely homelv. 86 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY More. I won't attempt to conceal my disappoint- ment, Mr. Winkler. \RisesP\ I had been led to believe that Jane was Winkler. Oh, but she has her redeeming features ; she's — [rising] seldom around and she pays the gas bills. More. That's something. [Crosses to B. Winkler. You'll get acclimated in a week or two. More. Ump ! But when can I see her ? Winkler. Now, immediately. I'll send her to you at once. [Starts L. More. Good. Winkler. [Comingi hack.] But I want you to promise me this : '^ Oh, Promise Me " that you will not reject her at first sight. Don't be in a hurry. Take time. Just take her in by degrees. She's THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 87 like olives, you have to learn to like her, and if the worst comes to the worst, just try these. {Hands him some dark colored spec- tacles. More. What are they ? Winkler. Smoked glasses. Wait here. [Mait^ L. More. ITo himself .'] Homely? Olives? Smoked glasses ? But rich ! Oh, well ! {Down extreme R. TiNG enters G.from R. Jane enters c. from L. They meet, Jane. Mr. Tinglepaugh, I'm expecting a professor from town to give me a lesson in acting this afternoon. You haven't seen him, have you ? Ting. Why, certainly ; he's been waiting quite a while. There he is now. {Points to More. Jane. Oh, thank you. Ting. Don't mention it, Miss {LaugJbS^ aside. Exit^ c, to L. 88 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Jane. [Dovm c] How do you do, sir ? More. [Keeping his hack to Jane.] She's come. \Puts oil glasses."] I hardly dare turn. Jane. I'm very sorry to have kept you waiting. More. [To himself.'] I like the voice. Jane. You got my letter, I suppose. More. Yes. [Turns slowly.] Winkler said by de- grees. Jane. [To herself.] What's he doing ? [More looks at her through glasses^ then over the top and smiles. Business. Jane. Oh, I suppose he's acting. More. Not so bad. In fact not bad at all. [Takes off glasses.] Can I believe my eyes? She's beautiful ! Actually beautiful. Oh, joy ! This is some joke of Winkler's. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 89 Jane. [0.] What's it a scene from ? More. [r. c] Seen from " A Pair of Spectacles." Jane. Oh, I just love that play. Go on. More. Olive, my dear ! Jane. OUve? More. I should say Jane. Jane, you exceed my wildest expectations. Jane. Oh, I'm so glad. And do you really think I'll succeed ? More. You have succeeded already. Jane. Then let's begin the rehearsal. More. Kehearsal! Oh, for the ceremony. Of course, of course. 90 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Jane. What part are you going to take ? Moke. Part ? Oh, I see you mean " All the world's a stage," and of course I am to play the happy bridegroom. [Jane laughs.^ What's the joke ? Jane. Oh, excuse me for saying it but I can't quite imagine you as a lover. [Crosses to R- More. And why not ? Jane. Aren't you a trifle old ? More. [Angry. 1 Old? Old? Young lady, I'd have you know Jane. [Interrupting. ^^ I beg your pardon. I'm very sorry if I've offended you. More. That's all right, little girl. Perhaps I'm not as young as I used to be. Ah, but my heart at least never grows old. [Takes o^tt paper ^ looks at it tioo or three times as he recites.^ Listen : THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 9I ^* Fairest, rarest maid in this whole world, For thee my heart is all unfurled, — When at thy feet I lay it bare. Thy smile shall be reflected there. ^^ Jane. Yery good. What's it from ? More. From the deepest cavern of my heart, dar- ling. Your lips are tempting. May I steal just one ? \Ent&r Winklee, l. Jane. Are you still acting ? {Crosses to L. More. Acting ? No, Jane, I'm in earnest. Sweet- heart, come to my arms. {Attempts to embrace her. Jane. [Bunning away.] How dare you, sir ? Winkler. [c] Hold on. [Jane l. c. More. [r. c] Well, Bill, everything seems to be O.K. Winkler. Everything seems to be N. G. 92 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY More. Ah, that was a good joke you played on me, "William. But it's all right. I'm more than satisfied. Winkler. But you haven't seen her yet — she isn't quite ready. More. Haven't seen ? Winkler. No, this isn't the one. More. But I have already won this one. Winkler. Well, then, uny^m her right away. This young lady's engaged to be married. More. I know ; of course she is. Jane. Oh, uncle, you're so stupid. Don't you see ? This is the tragedian I was telling you about. He was giving me a lesson in acting." Winkler and More. Nonsense ! THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 93 More. Why, my dear child, I Winkler, tell her who I am. Winkler. Certainly ; my dear, this gentleman is from the agency and he came More. Agency ! What are you talking about, Winkler ? \_Excited. Winkler. [Aroused.] You came in response to my message, didn't you ? More. I most certainly did. Winkler. Well, then, what are you getting so excited about ? More. I thought you understood Winkler. I do ; it's all right. More. But there's a mistake somewhere. 94 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY WiNKLEE. Of course there is, but don't worry. You'll forgive him, won't you, dear ? Jane. Of course, if he didn't mean anything. More. yConfused?^ I don't know whether I meant anything or not. \Ilnhhing his headJ] You see, my friend, I'm just a little confused. Winkler. Of course. Now you go right into my room and take a little rest until your mind gets cleared. More. Perhaps it'll be best. Winkler. Your bride isn't quite ready yet. More. But you said that this lady and I — I don't quite see Winkler. I know you don't yet. Get in there and keep still until I call you, and you'll have your eyes opened. [Pushes him into room and doses the door.] I'm engineering this mar- riage. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 95 Jane. Oh, uncle, what a terrible mistake ! Winkler. Never mind, Jane, everything'll be all right as soon as Benjamin More arrives. And in the meantime you go and help your aunt get herself into trim. Jane. Into trim. What for ? Winkler. Why, this gentleman in there has come here to propose to her and I hope he'll win her in time for a double wedding at six o'clock. Jane. And he mistook me for Aunt Jane ? Oh, I shall never forgive him as long as I live, [^c] The idea! [Winkler Z^w^A^.] You can go and get Aunt Jane into trim yourself. I won't. \Exit^ G.,toL. Winkler. Well, perhaps I had better hustle her along a little. He may get nervous and not wait. You never can tell. [J^nter Sam, c, wheeling a large Umiik from R. 96 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Sam. Is this your trunk, suh ? Winkler. No, it's not my trunk. {Exit^ l. Sam. [ Wheeling it off.] Ah wush Ah could find de owner of dis heah trunk. [Exit, c. Goes L. jEkter Bob, c. from R., disguised as Kitty ; dressed com- jpletel/y i7i red, wears veil, carries suit- case marked " Kitty Benders " and red parasol y looks about, then sits at table and rifigs. Enter Ting, c, sees Bob hut thinks he is a woman. Busi- ness of putting himself in order, straightening tie, brushing himself off, etc. TiNa. {At table.] Did you ring, madam ? Bob. [Female voice.] Oh, yes. [Smiles and flirts with Ting, who is delighted. Ting. Did you want to order something ? THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 97 Bob. Yes. Ting. {Politely^ We have some very nice hum- ming birds* tongues to-day. Bob. Bring me a kangaroo steak and a package of Moguls. Ting. [Somewhat shocked.^ I'm extremely sorry, madame, but it's against the rules of the house to serve tobacco to ladies. Bob. [In his own voice.] Well, you darn fool, can't you see I'm no lady ? Ting. [^Recognizing him.] Bob ! Bob. [Laughing.] Well, what do you think of it ? [ Walks about to L., then hack to R. Ting, [l. c] Great ! Simply perfect, old man ! Bob. It was an awful squeeze but I got in. 98 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Ting. If you'd kept still I'd been making love to you in five minutes. You're a peach. Bob. You really didn't know me ? Ting. Why, your own mother wouldn't recognize you. Besides Uncle Bill has lost his specs. {Takes them from his pocket ^ j^uts them hdck into pocket / laugJis. Bob. Oh, I won't do a thing but put a crimp in Winkler's good name. {Crosses to L. Ting. I've already started things for you. Uncle Bill thinks that More is the man from the mat- rimonial agency. {LaugJis. Bob. How'd you do that ? Ting. I hardly know myself ; it just kind of hap- pened. Jane. [^c] Suzette! THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 99 Bob. \Startled.'\ Jumping Jerusalem ! [ Crosses to R. Ting. [^Ruruning wp c, looking off and coming hack.J It's Jane. [Bushes Bob i?ito chair.] Sit down ! [Bob sits r. c. Ty^g pulls the veil over Bob's face'] — and let the good work begin. I'm off. Bob. Don't leave me, Ting. Ting. Shut up, " Kitty." [Exit, c, to R. Bob. I'm scared stiff. [Fixes hiinself. Pause. Enter Jane, G.^from L. Jane. [c. D.] Suzette ! [Sees Bob.] Oh, I beg your pardon. Bob. [Clearing his throat and pausing before dar- ing to speak in girVs voice.] You're entirely welcome. Jane. [To herself.] What a strange woman ! [To hi7n.] Are you waiting for any one ? ICX5 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Bob. [Keeping his face from her.] Yes ; are you acquainted with Mr. William Winkler ? Jane. He's mj uncle. Bob. Ah, indeed ! Jane. Yes ; do you know him ? Bob. Know him ? Why, my dear child, every- thing that I am in this world I owe to your uncle. Jane. I'll go and find him for you. [Starts L. ; then conies hack.] Did you tell me your name ? Bob. Well, William always calls me Kitty. Jane. Kitty ! Bob. K-i-double t-y, Catty — Kitty. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY lOI Jane. Can it be possible ? Bob. If you don't believe me look on the suit-case. Jane. You're Kitty Benders, the actress ? Bob. And the girl guessed right the very first time. \Crosses to L. Jane. Oh ! [Almost afraid to ask?^ You — you're a friend of Mr. Baxter's — aren't you ? Bob. Never heard the name before. Jane. Perhaps you called him Bobbie. Bob. Bobbie I I knov^^ a policeman of that name. Jane. But you surely haven't forgotten Bobbie Baxter so soon ? I02 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Bob. Do you doubt the word of a lady ? Jane. Aren't you the Kitty that sent Bobbie a letter and your photograph ? Bob. I guess you've got the wroDg pussy, my child. I'm perfectly satisfied with " Willious." Jane. \J(yyously?[ You mean my uncle ? Bob. I mean William Winkler, the gayest old sport that ever opened a bottle of champagne. {Crosses to R. Jane. TheD you wrote to him ? Bob. You're right, I wrote. Jane. Oh, how I have wronged Bobbie ! \S/iU. Bob. What'd you do to him ? THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 103 Jane. I didn't believe him when he told me that the letter and picture were meant for Uncle William. I thought he was in love with you, and oh, I've been so mistaken. \_Throws herself on sofa and cries. Bob throws kisses hehind her hack and holds out his arms as if to enibi'ace her. Business. Bob. What's become of Kobert ? Jane. Oh, I don't know — he said he was going to commit suicide. Bob. One moment. Is your name Jane ? Jane. Yes, ma'am. Bob. [Taking note from the hamd-hag^ Well, somebody handed this to me as I came in. It may be news from Mr. Baxter. Jane. Yes, it's Bob's hand. Oh, dear, I'm afraid to open it. 104 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Bob. Be brave, my dear ; he may only have drowned himself. Jane. [^Opening and reading.'] "Jane, when this you see I shall be eating angel food." Bob. [^To himself. 1 Or deviled ham. Jane. "Good-bye forever, from one who loved you." [Cries.'] Oh, dear ! I shall never see my Bobbie again ! Bob. [Sitting beside her.] I know better than that, my girl. [Puts arm around her.] He'll be around. There! That's right, have a good cry. Jane. If I only had some one who could sympathize with me. Bob. What's the matter with me, Jane ? Come, dear, rest your head upon my bosom. [Jane throws her arms about his neck and puts her head on his shoulder.] I'll be a mother to you. There ! There ! THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 105 Jane. But I loved him so. Bob. I know, I know. But come now, Jane, cheer up ! Come, dry your eyes, dearie. Bobbie may turn up yet. The news may be false. Don't give up hope yet — please don't ! Jane. But it seems like hugging a delusion. Bob. [Jumping up. '] Delusion! [Feeling of him- self^.'] Has anything separated ? [Jumps up cmd goes R. Jane. But won't you come and help me look for him ? [Eises c. Bob. I don't think we need to drag the frog pond, Jane, but I'll go. Jane. [As they go.] Oh, do you really think Bobbie's alive? Bob. He's just as much alive as I am. I feel it in my bones. Come on. [They exeunt, c. Go L. I06 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Winkler. \EnteTS L. Crosses to door R. Knochs.'] I hope Aunt Jane's man hasn't escaped. [^Ualls through door.] Hello, in there ! More. [ Of R.] HeUo, out there ! Winkler. Say, my friend, if you'll come out into this room in about five minutes, you'll meet your future wife — she's almost ready, now. More. All right. Winkler. Delicacy forbids me to be present at the interview, but before I go is there anything I can do for you ? More. " Nay, nay, Pauline." Winkler. By the way, you'll find a long black bottle on the wash-stand right next to the tooth-brush mug. More. Yes. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY I07 Winkler. Perhaps you'd better take a small swallow before you face the music. More. I have. Winkler. Well, then, take another. More. I have. Winkler. Great Scott ! We're going to have a drunk- ard in the family. \To nim/} Why don't you take the whole bottle ? More. I have. Winkler. He has! Well, I'm glad for Jane's sake there wasn't much in it. [To him.] Good luck ! Now to find out where Benjamin More is. [Looks at watch.] It's getting dangerously near six and I'm worried. [Ibit, c. Goes R. Miter Aunt Jane, L., shyly, expectantly. She is elaho- rately dressed and powder is plainly I08 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY visible on her face. She looks about / sits; clears her throat; begins to doubt; is disaj^poiiited. Sits R. c. Enter Bob, c.^from L., still in dress, without hat. Bob. Madame, I beg your pardon, but are you ex- pecting company ? Aunt Jane. My husband. Bob. [Surprised.] Are you married ? Aunt Jane. Well, it's the same thing. I'm going to be at sunset. Bob. But, madame, do you think it's safe ? Aunt Jane. What do you mean ? Bob. I mean that your face is so full of powder that if you ever struck a match there'd be an awful explosion. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 109 Aunt Jane. [LooMng at herself in hand mirror.'] You insulting creature ! Powder, the idea of such a thing ! [ Uses powder puff. Bob. Say, are you related to Willie Winkler ? Aunt Jane. I am Mr. Winkler's only sister-in-law. Bob. Thank the Lord for that. Aunt Jane. What do you mean, you bold woman ? [Rises. Bob. I mean I'm glad there aren't any more at home like you. Aunt Jane. Who are you, anyway ? Bob. I'm going to be your sister-in-law, twice re- moved. Aunt Jane. What? no THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Bob. Yes, Will and I are going to housekeeping. [Crosses to R. Aunt Jane. What's your name ? Bob. Kitty. Aunt Jane. Kitty ! Not Kitty the play actress ? Bob. I'm the article as advertised. [07'osses to L. Aunt Jane. Then that letter did belong to William after all and not to Bobbie Baxter ? Bob. You bet your sweet life it was William's. William's the Willie for me, and I'm going to stick to the old boy, just as long as his money holds out. Aunt Jane. [Horrified.] Oh, you wretch ! The deceiver ! [ Crosses to L.] To bring a horrible actress into our midst ! Oh, I shall never forgive him for this ! Never ! But I won't let him marry you, vou bold, bad, wicked actress ! THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY III Bob. Forget it, old lady ! {Shakes shirts in her face. Aunt Jane. Oh, I'll not stand this another minute ! Oh, William, how could you ? If he's deceived me in this, he'll deceive me about my husband! Oh, dear ! Suzette ! Suzette ! Suzette ! my salts! [^Exit^ L. Bob falls onto sofa in fit of laughter. More sticks his head in door R. His dress is slightly disar- ranged^ and while not drunk he is feel- ing happy from the effects of the hottle. More. Five minutes must be up— I guess. [Sees Bob.] Yes, there she is, waiting for me. [Referring to red dress^ Looks like a case of scarlet fever. I hope she's contagious. [ Whistles. Waves handkerchief foolishly.'] Cuckoo ! [Bob hears hut does not move ; More crosses to c] Jane 1 Bob. [Sitting up,] Did you speak to me ? More. I did. 112 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Bob. {RishigP^ How dare you, sir ? More. Have I made another mistake ? Aren't you Jane? Bob. Jane ? Oh, yes, of course. Of course I'm Jane. Who said I wasn't ? MOEE. Well, I'm Benjamin. Bob. Benjamin ? More. Yes — Benjamin More. Bob. Oh! How do you do? I've been waiting for you, of course, Mr. Benjamin. More. Keally ! \To himself ?\ She's a peach. Bob. Won't you be seated ? THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY II3 More. Thanks. \_Sits^ tlwn risesJ] Jane — Jane [Crosses unsteadily to end of sofa, 'R. Q.^ where Bob sits.'] Jane, I suppose you know my pur- pose in coming here ? Bob. [Making room for him on sofa.] Did you come on purpose ? More. On purpose to ask you to be my partner. [Sits. Bob. Do you want a waltz or a two-step ? More. I want you to waltz with me through life. Bob. Say, are you proposing to me ? More. Such was my intention. Bob. Oh, Mr. More, this is such a suddenness 1 More. [Putting his arm around Bob.] Call me Bennie. 114 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Bob. Oh, I dare not. {Rises and crosses to R. Moke. {Reading from cuff.'] Jane, listen : [Rises. " Fairest, rarest maid in this whole world, For thee my hair is all uncurled." Bob. Exquisite ! But, Benjamin, do you really and truly mean what you say ? More. I love you madly, passionately. Bob. And you swear that you will never pay another's board bill ? More. If I do, Jane, it'll be with your money. Bob. Then you really want me ? More. I do. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 11$ Bob. Then I'm yours. \Throws himself heavily into More's arms, nearly knocking him, down. MoEE struggles. Business of hold- ing, etc. More. That's right, lean on me, honey-bubble. Bob. I'm so happy ! More. [Kissing him.] You cute thing ! Bob. Shall we be married at once, Bennie ? More. Yes, Jennie. Bob. Then I must go now and prepare for the wedding. [To himself] By getting a shave. [Crosses and gets parasol. More. Will it be long? Il6 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Bob. I should say so, if I don't hurry up. Ta, ta. {Throws him a kiss. Exit, c. Goes R. More shows great delight. Shakes hands with himself and is walking about y sees suit-case— jpicks it u^, reads '''' Kitty ^"^ jputs it down and pro- ceeds to straighten tie, etc. Enter Winkler, c.,from l. side. Winkler. Well, has she been here yet ? More. [r.] She has. Winkler. [l. c] What's the verdict ? More. I fell in love with her at first sight. She's divine ! Winkler. Divine ! I'm afraid you saw through a glass darkly. More. No, William, I was so enraptured that I never thought of the smoked glasses. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY WJ Winkler. Do you mean to say that you thought her beautiful with the naked eye ? More. It may have been immodest, William, but I did. And she's promised to marry me at once. Winkler. Easy money ! Put her there, old man ! You're my friend for life. More. Let's go outside and celebrate the occasion with a quiet little lemonade. Winkler. With pleasure. Is this your suit-case ? More. No, it belongs to some one named Kitty Benders. Hurry up. I'm thirsty. \Exit^ c. Goes L. Winkler. Kitty ! Kitty ! Great Heaven, I'm doomed. {Goes L. Enter Ting, o.^from r. Ting. Lady to see you, Mr. Winkler. Il8 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Winkler. Take her away ! I don't want to see her ! I won't see her, do you hear me ? Ting. {Going up c] All right. [Beckons. Enter Bob, c, from R. Bob. {Rushing to Winkler with outstretched a/rms.] William, at last I have found you ! Winkler. [Frightened, trying to push him off.'] Kitty, in Heaven's name what are you doing here ? [Crosses to R. Bob. Kiss me, William. [Kisses him. Ting stands up c. with Winkler's glasses on laughing. Winkler. {Throwing something at Ting.] Get out! Go get me a cigar. [ Up r. and down L. Ting. Yes, sir. [Exit, c. Goes R. Bob kisses Winkler again. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY II9 Winkler. Kitty, in Heaven's name stop ! It's not safe. What are you doing here ? Didn't you get my telegram to stay away ? {Tries door u. L. Bob. Yes, and that's why I came. Winkler. Heavens ! Kitty, you can't stay here another minute. If you do I'm a ruined man. {Looks offv.c. Bob. [c] You're ashamed of me ? ^ Winkler. No, it's not that, ivitt}^ ; you're one of the best girls that [douut n. c] ever lived. But I'm engineering two very important operations involving thousands of dollars, and your pres- ence here will upset the whole thing. Bob. But I don't understand. {Crosses to R. c. and sits. Winkler. Well, you see, my sister-in-law is very much prejudiced against the stage, and if she should find out that I was intimate — [c] with you, she'd — well — 1\\ have to go to work, that's all. 120 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Bob. But, dearie, I came up here especially to get acquainted with the family. Winkler. Great Scott ! You can't do it, Kitty. Now listen ! If I can marry my niece Jane to Benjamin More, I get a cool ten thousand dollars and ten thousand more from my old- maid sister-in-law for securing her a husband. Now, my dear girl, I'm just on the verge of victory, and you don't want to defeat me, do you ? Bob. But why do I interfere ? {Rises and crosses to L. Winkler. Oh, there isn't time to explain it again. But just take my word for it, you'll spoil the whole blamed business if you don't disappear im- mediately. Now, Kitty, once more, if you love me, go. Bob. All right, I'll go for your sake, but don't think it's easy for me to make the sacrifice. It hurts, old boy. {Placing hand on heart] It hurts right here. {Tries to ease corset] You don't know how it hurts me. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 121 Winkler. You won't regi^et it, Kitty. \Takes out watch.] Now you've got just time to catch the limited for Weehawken. I'll go get a car- riage. You hide in my room and wait till I come back for you. [Pus/ies Bob off r. and closes door and picking up suit-case runs ex- citedly up c] Samuel, get me a horse at once. Samuel I A horse, a horse ! [^Exit, G.,to J.. Bob reappears in door- way ; takes off wig. Bob. [r. c, mopping his hrow.] Whew ! It's about one hundred and twenty-three degrees in the shade under that wig. [Laughs.] Gee ! How dry I am. [£kter Ting, c^from r., with tray on which are a s?nall bottle and glass containing a cigar and matches. Ting. Where's Winkler ? Bob. [Taking bottle.] Just what I want. [Drinks. Crosses to L. Ting. Bob, what are you doing ? [c. Takes bottle away from him. 122 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Bob. {Makirig face^ Gee ! What is it ? Ting. Aunt Jane's hair tonic. Bob. Help ! Give me that cigar quick. {Takes cigar. Ting. It's Winkler's. Bob. He's too busy to smoke just now. Here, hold this while I get a light. [Ting jputs tray on table R. Takes wig and Bob lights cigar. Ting. What's become of the old boy, anyway ? Bob. Gone for a carriage to take Kitty awajr. {Takes Ting's hat amd fans himself. Sits. Ting. [Sitting beside Bob.] What are you going to do? THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY I23 Bob. Ride down to the station and then refuse to get on the train. \.They laugh. Ting. Poor Winkler ! But we'd better watch out. He's liable to come back, isn't he ? Bob. Not yet. Say, I wonder what's become of Bennie. We're engaged, you know. {Tkey laugh?\^ Ting ! {Laughs. Ting. Well? Bob. Will you be a flower girl at the wedding ? Ting. Sure! {They laugh heartily and slap each other. Business. Enter Jane, G.^from l. Jane. I beg your pardon. [Ting a'tid Bob jump up in confusion. Bob puts on Ting's cap and Ting puts on tJie loig. Bob discovers wig a/nd thro^oing Ting his cap motions him to exchange loig. TiNG does not 124 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY understand at first. Finally throws wig to Bob, who gets it on hackward. Bob then discovers that lie still has cigar ^ and tosses it to Ting. Bob he- hind sofa. Business ad lib. Ting, [r.] Did you ring, Miss ? Jane. [c] Mr. Tinglepaugh, I'm surprised. Ting. Not half as surprised as we were. Jane. Such disgraceful actions ! Ting. I'll explain it, Miss. Jane. It's not necessary, Mr. Tinglepaugh. Miss Kitty Benders, aren't you ashamed of yourself ? [^Pause. No answer.] Uncle William may know you smoke, but I'm sure he doesn't know you're bald-headed ! [Snatches wig from Bob's head.] Bobbie Baxter ! Bob. [l. c] I seem to be discovered. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 12$ Jane. But I thought you had committed suicide. Bob. The water was too chilly, Jane. Jane. Oh, Bob, how could you do such a thing ? Bob. It was for your sake, Jane. Jane. And to think of what I told you ! But it wasn't true. You had no right to listen. You've deceived me again, Mr. Baxter, and I hate you for it. Bob. But I did it for your sake, Jane. Jane. Don't ever speak to me again. I hate you. If Benjamin More were here I'd marry him this minute. I hate, hate, hate you ! [Jane hursts into tears and exits L. Bob. l^After a mo7ne7it.] Whistle some slow music, will you, Ting, while I finish the hair oil ? 126 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Ting. I'll do nothing of the kind. She didn't mean a word she said. Bob. Are you sure ? Ting. Yes ; hurry up and explain to her before she warns Winkler. Bob. Great Scott ! She's got the wig, too. [ Goes^ Jane, Jane, I want to explain ! \Exit^ L. Enter Sam wheeling trunk from L. Sam. Am dis your trunk ? Ting. Don't talk to me, I'm busy. {Takes tray with hottle^ etc. Exit, C. Goes R. Sam. [Shaking head and wiping hrow.] If Ah ever fin' de gentleman what owns dis [going down L.] trunk Ah'll [Enter Kitty Benders, c. She is dressed almost identically the same as Bob a/rid has suit-case marked " Kitty Benders y Puts suit-case down R. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 12/ Kitty, [r. c] This is the Halcyon House, isn't it ? Sam. [l. c, howing.^ Yaas'm, yaas'm. Dis am de Halcyon House. Did you get one of the booklets ? Kitty. I'm looking for Mr. William "Winkler. Is he here ? Sam. He suah am. Kitty. Then that's all right. Is this the register ? Sam. [Goirig hehind desk.] Yaas'm. It suah am. [Ho/riding the pen.'] Will you scribble in de photograph album ? Kitty. [Laughing.] Certainly. Now, I'm Kitty Benders, leading lady of " The Girl in Eed " Company and of course I want the best you have. Sam. Ah'm very sorry, Missus, dat " suite sixteen " am tooken. 128 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Kitty. Oh, well, give me the next best. Here's a little Christmas present for you, my friend, and if you're good to me there'll be some more later on. Now go find Winkler, and tell him there's a lady wants to see him. Sam. Yaas'm. Thank you bery much. Missus. Ah'll hurry fas' as Ah kin. S^Exit^ c, with trunk. Goes L. Winkler. {Off c. to L.] Whoa ! Sam, where in the name of humanity have you been ? I had to harness up the horse myself. [ When Kitty hears his voice she hides in room R. Enter WiNKLER, 0.^ fol- lowed hy Sam, from l. Sam. Mr. Winkler, dere am a lady ter see you, suh — a lady to see you. Winkler. What ! A lady to see me ? Sam. [Looking around.'] Yaas, suh. She was here jes' a moment ago. THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 29 Winkler. [ Worried. '\ What kind of a lady ? Sam. A beautiful red lady, suh. Winkler. Confound Kitty! {^Crosses to L.] Samuel, here's a Christmas present for you. {^G-ivea him money. ^ Now you haven't seen anybody, have you ? Sam. Not unless you say so, Marse Winkler. Winkler. All right. Now you go outside and hold the horse and keep your eyes shut. You're blind. Understand ? Sam. Yaas, suh. Ah'm glad Christmas comes more'n once'n a year. [^Exit, c. Goes L. Winkler. {Taking Kitty's suit-case?^ I thought I took that thing down. She must have had two. Kitty ! {Opening door R.] Hurry ; we haven't a minute to lose. [Starts iij) c. Bnter Kitty, r. I30 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY Ejtty. [ With outstretched arms?^ 'W'illiam ! WlXKLER. {Starting up 8t