M-6 
 

MISS DUZENBERRY. 
 
 PQ 2321 
 .115 
 Copy 1 
 
 A BURLESQUE COMEDY. 
 
 Adopted from the French of Eugene Labiche 
 
 for the Trinity Dramatic Club, 
 
 Hartford, Conn. 
 
 HARTFORD : 
 Clark & Smith, Printers, 362 Main St. 
 
♦.■■ 
 
 <v 
 
 .. 
 
 COPYEIGHT 1891, BY C. F. JOHNSON. 
 
MISS DTTZENBERRY; 
 
 OR, 
 
 Murder Will Out. 
 
 A BURLESQUE COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS. 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
 Henry Barnaby. 
 Percival Bogardus. 
 Peter, Bogardus's Servant. 
 William Smother, Esq., a country Landlord and Justice of 
 
 the Peace. 
 Quibble, a country Lawyer. 
 Hossbarn, an Ostler. 
 Deadhead, a Constable. 
 Mary Brawn, a muscular young woman. 
 Fanny Greenpath, a romantic young country girl. 
 Citizens, Country People, etc. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 Bogardus's Apartment. A large room, with bookcase, easy chairs, etc. 
 
 Doors on right and left at back, leading to sleeping rooms. Enhance 
 
 on right. Peter preparing the breakfast -table, etc. 
 
 Peter- Here it is ten o'clock, and Mr. Bogardus not up yet ! I 
 shall have to get a new place with some gentleman who is more reg- 
 ular in his habits, because I have to eat my own breakfast at seven, 
 regular ; and then I have to eat all that is left of his, and I never 
 know when to be ready for it. It isn't pleasant to eat when one is 
 not prepared. I like to be regular in my meals. Pats plates on table* 
 I am naturally methodical, and sometimes he says : 'Peter I feel 
 rocky this morning,' and then he doesn't eat much, and that is hard 
 on me, for I have to eat all that is left, and sometimes he says, 
 u Peter, I feel like a skylark this morning;" and that is hard on me, 
 too, for then there is not anything left for me. I'm regular in my 
 
habits, I am. I like other people to be regular. Last night he went 
 out to the annual dinner of his school. When did he come back? 
 1 don't know. Going out is one thing, coming back is another 
 thing. If he isn't more regular in his habits, I must discharge him. 
 But, I had best brush his clothes and black his boots or he might 
 discharge me. Picks up boots. Here are his boots, muddier than 
 ever, just to bother me. These are not his boots. He has brot' 
 home another person's boots. Just to bother me, he has got a large 
 pair. Looking behind chair. Here is another pair of boots He has 
 brought back two pairs of boots and no trowsers. What does he 
 want of two pairs of boots, both muddy, just to bother me ! Stop ! 
 there must be a body belonging to these boots. Snoring heard within. 
 It's alive, sure as I'm born. Opens door. He has not only brought 
 home a pair of boots, but he has brought the man that belongs to 
 'em. I'll shine these boots, and if it's any kind of a gentleman, he'll 
 give me a quarter. Snores like he was in a sleeping car ! Sounds 
 kind of liberal. I'll brush his clothes and shine his boots. Here's 
 that jar of tobacco that was sent home yesterday. Smells mighty 
 good. Guess I'll sample that while I shine these boots. Takes news- 
 paper from the outside, folds it up and lays on table, fills his pipe. 
 Exit with boots. 
 Bogardus enters from right-hand bed-room door. He is in his 
 
 shirt sleeves and slippers and rubs his eyes and yawns sleepily. 
 
 Eogardus- Gad, but I feel rocky this morning. This thing has 
 got to stop, my boy. It has got to stop right here, Bogardus. You've 
 got to vote a straight prohibition ticket my boy, hereafter, or you 
 will fill an early drunkard's grave. Pats on wrong coat. What's 
 the matter with the coat ? Big shrinkage here. Stringency in the 
 wool market. Must have got it wet last night. Don't feel like my 
 coat. Don't look like my coat. Don't smell like my coat. 'Tisn't 
 my coat. Takes it off and flings it down angrily. This is my coat. 
 Putting it on. Ah, that feels better. But, whose coat is that ? I 
 don't deal in second-hand coats with base-ball scores in the pocket, 
 but then I can't remember what line of business I went into last 
 night. I remember part of the supper, and there is a sort of blank 
 settles down on my mental horizon. Kind of a mental fog shuts out 
 things. Seems to me I remember a dance — or, was it a circus ? 
 Circus can't open after 12. Musi have been a dance. Snoring heard 
 within. What's that ? 44 Listen to the mocking bird." Sounds like 
 a snore. Tin a snore. Good one too. Must have a trombone in 
 his head. Who lias any right to snore in my apartment at 9:45 a. 
 If. V Opens door. It is a full-grown man lying crossvvays with his 
 
clothes on. Here, you ! you musn't snore like that you know, at 
 9:45 in my room. Snoring continues, Oh, come now ! Stop that ! 
 Wake up, wake uup-p — . Snoring continues. I'll fix him. 
 Brings shovel and poker and bangs them together at door. Wake up 
 John ! Henry ! William, wake up ! Barnaby in his shirtsleeves and 
 stockings tumbles precipitately into the room. 
 
 Barnaby- Where is the fire ? 
 
 Bogardus. There isn't any fire. How came you to be sleeping 
 in my apartment, sir ? 
 
 Barnaby. Was I asleep ? 
 
 Bogardus. Asleep ! I should say so. You were snoring like 
 a Chicago drummer. 
 
 Barnaby. Was I snoring? I was dreaming that I was at the 
 battle of Gettysburg, and my snoring I took for the sound of 
 musketry. 
 
 Bo£a?*dus. Musketry ! I should think you would have taken 
 it for the discharge of heavy artillery. May I ask how you came 
 into my room ? 
 
 Barnaby. Certainly you may, dear fellow. Don't hesitate to 
 ask. It is the very thing I should like to know. First, is this your 
 room? 
 
 Bogardus- Aside. Cool hand this. Certainly, it is, sir, and I 
 am not accustomed to have people snoring in it a 9:45 a. m. 
 
 Barnaby- Putting on his coat. You must be an early riser. 
 Do j T ou know there is something familiar in your face — something 
 about that nose that reminds me of childhood's joys. Would you 
 mind turning a little to the light ? 
 
 Bogardus- There is something familiar in your manner; un- 
 pleasantly familiar, sir. Perhaps you will favor me with your name. 
 
 Barnaby- Oh, certainly. My name used to be Barnaby ; but 
 where I am or who I am now, I haven't the slightest idea. Have 
 you? 
 
 Bogardus- Sir, you are in my rooms. 
 
 Barnaby- Good rooms, too. Did I come here in my stocking 
 feet? 
 
 Bogardus- Sure I can't say. But see here, weren't you at St. 
 Stephens's School in '78 ? 
 
 Barnaby- Seems to me I was, but I didn't leave my shoes 
 there, did I ? 
 
 Bogardus. I remember you now. Don't you remember me ? 
 I was a year ahead of you. My name is Bogardus. 
 
 Barnaby. What, Skinny Bogardus? 
 
Bogardus- No. Tubby Bogardus. 
 
 Barnaby* Your face comes up out of the past like a nightmare. 
 You are the boy that stole farmer Jones's chickens, aren't you ? 
 
 Bogardus I believe that I did. What absurd tilings one does 
 when one is a boy ! But I can't exactly fix you, though I seem to 
 recall your face. 
 
 Barnaby- My name was Barnaby. 
 Bogardus- What, Slimy Barnaby? 
 
 Barnaby- No, not Slimy Barnaby, that was another fellow. 
 I was Brassy Barnaby. 
 
 Bogardus- Ah, Brassy Barnaby, to be sure. Now I recall you. 
 Fou took the first prize in Greek composition, didn't you ? 
 
 Barnaby- I believe that I did. What absurd things one does 
 when one is a boy ! 
 Bogardus- How are you Barnaby ? 
 Barnaby- How are you, Bogardus ? They shake hands. 
 Bogardus- You were at the annual dinner of our Alumni, last 
 night, weren't you ? 
 
 Barnaby- I went there, it seems to me. Did you ? 
 Bogardus- Yes, I went there, but I can't remember coming 
 away. Aside. — Gad, what a red nose he has. I remember that nose 
 last night, but not the man. 
 
 Barnaby- Reflecting. Yes, I went there, but I can't remember 
 anything after the speeches began ; after that, everything is a sort of 
 blank. I am subject to a sort of paralysis of the memory towards 
 the end of these dinners. It is the effect of the speeches, no doubt. 
 
 Bogardus- So am I. The fact is, I was partially paralyzed by 
 the salmon, and my memory was entirely destroyed by something I 
 took with the dessert. 
 Barnaby- How are you, Bogardus? 
 Bogardus- How are you Barnaby ? They shake hands. 
 Barnaby- I remember that you sang something. 
 Bogardus- Did I ? 
 
 Barnaby- Ye3. It made an impression on me. 
 Bogardus- Didn't we go to a dance afterwards ? 
 Barnaby- Seems to me that I remember some floating figures, 
 but as I recall it, it was more like a fight. 
 
 Bogardus- Perhaps it was a fight, I don't know. It seems to 
 me that we went to a theatre. 
 
 Barnaby- I never can recollect when I have been to the thea- 
 tre. Didn't we go to a fire ? Seems to me I recollect a fire. There 
 was a noise. 
 
Bogardus- No doubt there was a noise if you were there. 
 Seems to me I remember riding in a coach and blowing a horn. The 
 fact is, Barnaby, they ought not to give punch at these annual din- 
 ners. 
 
 Barnaby- You are right. It might lead some of the younger 
 men astray, so that they could not recall next morning what they 
 had been doing. 
 
 Bogardus- You are right. It is a pernicious custom, and we 
 older men should frown upon it. 
 
 Barnaby- We should. We will frown upon it, for the sake of 
 the younger men. Enter Peter with Boots. 
 
 Peter- Aside. I knowed there was a body connected with dem 
 boots. 
 
 Barnaby- Ah, my boots. Now I am all here. Puts on boots. 
 
 Bogardus- Peter— 
 
 Peter. Yes, sah. 
 
 Bogardus- Lay a plate for Mr. Barnaby. 
 
 Peter- Yes, sah. Aside. — There won't be anything left. 
 
 Bogardus- Peter, have you seen anything of my umbrella ? 
 
 Peter- Your blue silk umbrella, sah ? 
 
 Bogardus- Yes, my blue silk umbrella with the monkey's head 
 carved on the handle. 
 
 Peter- You took it yesterday when you went out, sah. I re- 
 member distinctively, but it has teetotally vanished. 
 
 Bogardus I wouldn't lose it for anything. I will advertise for 
 it as lost. 
 
 Barnaby- Advertise for a lost umbrella ! You must have faith 
 in human nature. — Putting on his coat. Feels in the pockets. Where 
 is my handkerchief ? Pulls out a womarts shoe. What under the sun 
 is this ? We must have been going into the retail shoe business. 
 
 Bogardus- Writes. Here Peter, take this to the World office 
 when you go out, and pay one dollar. Puts on shoes. What is this 
 in my shoe ? What is this in my shoe ? A piece of charcoal. Have 
 you been trying to black my shoes outside and in, Peter ? 
 
 Peter- No, sah. I don't know where that came from, sah. 
 
 Barnaby- Come, let us have some breakfast. I'm hungry as 
 the sea. 
 
 Bogardus . Aside.— Gad, he is a cool hand. Oh yes, by all 
 means, let us have some breakfast. Bring in all that there is, Peter. 
 
 Peter- Yes, sah. Aside, If he is as hungry as that, there 
 won't be much left for me. It's all ready, sah. Exit Peter. 
 
 Barnaby. Phi terribly thirsty, too, drinks from goblet on table. 
 After all, there is no drink like water. 
 
6 
 
 Bogardws. Yes, and the after effects are so much better. 
 
 Barnaby. It doesn't vaporize the memory in that singular 
 way. If a man is going to be a confirmed drinker, it is safest for 
 him to be a confirmed water drinker. 
 
 Bogardus. Does the fog seem to lift from your memory at all? 
 
 Barnaby. Yes, somewhat. iSeems to me we went to a ball 
 game. 
 
 Bogardus. They don't play ball in the middle of the night. 
 
 Enter Pete?' with tray for breakfast. 
 
 Barnaby. Ah, that looks good. Must have been to a theatre. 
 Seems to me I remember applause. 
 
 Bogardus. Theatres are all closed. Sit down. 
 
 Barnaby . Sitting down. Seems a pity to loose some hours out 
 of two youug lives, don't it? 
 
 Bo tardus. "Like the lost books of Livy; nobody knows what 
 was in them. Have some omelet ? 
 
 Barnaby. Thanks— taking it. Omelet is too salt. 
 
 Bogardus Aside — Gad, he is a cool hand. Well, you see we 
 didn't expect you or we would have put in less. 
 
 Barnaby. Oh, I don't mind. I eat anything. 
 
 Bo tardus. Stiffly. Help yourself. Don't hesitate to express 
 your mind freely on my account, I beg. Peter give me the morning 
 paper. 
 
 Peter. Aside. Now I clean disremembered to bring up that 
 morning paper, and he is getting mad. This will do. 
 
 Takes paper from his pocket that was around tobacco jar. Here it 
 is, sah. 
 
 Barnaby • Coffee reminds me of school days. 
 
 Bo tardus. Shouldn't think it would. 
 
 Barnaby, Why not? Got the same old taste. 
 
 Bo tardus. Because, boys that had been cutting up at night, 
 weren't allowed coffee in the morning. 
 
 Barnaby. That is true. I remember. You never had any 
 coffee there, so you don't remember the flavor. Anything in the 
 paper this morning ? 
 
 Bo tardus. Aside. Confound his impudence! He is a cool 
 hand.— No, don't seem to be. Murder as usual, Beads—" Horrible 
 occurrence in the fifth ward. A woman found dead and horribly 
 mutilated." 
 
 Barnaby. They are always doing that sort of thing. Furnishes 
 the papers with news. This omelet is horribly salt. 
 
 Ho tardus. Sorry you didn't write me word of your visit. We 
 would" have one made to your taste. Peter, make auother omelet. 
 
Peter. Yes, sab. Five eggs, sah ? Aside. Now there will be 
 something left. Exit Peter. 
 
 Bogardus. Continues reading. " The assassins are supposed to 
 be two in number." 
 
 Bamaby Eating. Two men against one woman. The brutes 
 must have thought that two is company and three is a crowd. 
 
 Bogardws- Beading. Our efficient police are on the track of 
 the murderers. They have found a clue. 
 
 Bamaby- That is all they do find. They always find a 
 c lue. But when they follow it up there isn't anything at the other 
 end. 
 
 Bogardus- Reads. " The young woman was apparently carry- 
 ing home a small package of candy." 
 
 Bamaby. That is what attracted the assassins, I suppose. 
 
 Bogardus- Beads. " She had also a lot of charcoal in a paper 
 bag, and near the body was found a light silk handkerchief marked 
 E. B." 
 
 Barnaby. E. B. ! Edward Barnaby ! My handkerchief by all 
 that is inculpating ! What was she doing with it ? 
 
 Bogardus- Beads. " Which had apparently been used to stifle 
 the cries of the victim. And a green silk umbrella, with an ivory 
 handle carved to represent a monkey's head." My umbrella, as sure 
 as there is a judge in the Supreme Court ! 
 
 Barnaby- There was a piece of charcoal in my shoe, and a 
 woman's shoe in my pocket. Jumping up. 
 
 Bogardus- You must have borrowed my umbrella last night. 
 Putting his hand in his coat pocket. 
 
 Bamaby- I never borrow umbrellas and I wouldn't take one 
 with a carved ivory handle. Its bad style. You must have borrowed 
 my handkerchief. 
 
 Bogardus- Drawing his hand from his pocket. What's this? 
 
 Bamaby Candy ! The spoils of our victim ! 
 
 Bogardus- This is horrible, Barnaby. It would appear that 
 we must have wandered forth on the streets, flushed with wine. 
 
 Bamaby- Groaning. So it would, so it would, Bogardus. 
 And we must have struck down a defenceless young woman 
 carrying a package of candy and charcoal to her family at two 
 o'clock in the morning. 
 
 Bamaby. Such seems to be the awful fact, Bogardus. Angrily. 
 What was she doing on the streets with packages of charcoal and 
 candy, at 4 o'clock in the morning ? Young women ought to be at 
 home by 9 o'clock. 
 
Bogardus- They ought. She ought to be ashamed of herself. 
 
 Bamaby- The police are on our trail, Bogardus. 
 Bogardus- They have a clue, Barnaby. 
 
 Bamaby- But they can't find us, Bogardus. 
 
 Bogardus- That umbrella. Oh, that umbrella. 
 
 Bamaby- Probably you jabbed the life out of the poor girl with 
 the point or crushed her skull with furious blows from the ivory 
 handle carved like a monkey's head. 
 
 Bogardus- That umbrella, that umbrella ! 
 
 Bamaby- Surely you don't mind tjie loss of one umbrella? 
 
 Bogardus It is horrible, that umbrella, Why did I leave it 
 on the scene of blood ? 
 
 Bamaby- Never mind that umbrella. You can buy another 
 one of a better style. 
 
 Bogardus- That umbrella, that fatal umbrella ! My name and 
 address were on a silver plate on the handle. 
 
 Barnaby- Why did you have your name and address on a 
 silver plate on the handle ? 
 
 Bogardus- I never thought of assassinating anybody with it. 
 
 Bamaby- You were very careless to leave it. We must seek 
 safety in flight. 
 
 Bogardus- We must, at once. Hush — Enter Peter. 
 
 Peter- I have brought you another omelet, sah. 
 
 Ba/maby- Thank you, Peter. 1 have had quite enough. 
 
 Peter- To Bogardus. Shall I help you, sah ? 
 
 Bogardus- No, Peter, I have no appetite. 
 
 Peter- Aside. There will be lots left after all. 
 
 Bogardus- Peter, we are going out for a little walk. If any 
 one calls before we go, tell him we have gone to the races. If any- 
 one calls after we are gone, ask him to take a seat and wait till we 
 return. 
 
 Barnaby- Aside. Gad, what executive ability he has ! 
 
 Peter- Yes, sah. If any people come before you are gone, show 
 them up. 
 
 Bo tardus* No, no, you rascal. If anyone calls before we are 
 gone, say that we are out. If anyone calls after we are out show 
 them up. Say that we will soon return and ask him to wait. Here, 
 Peter. Giving him some money. 
 
 Peter- Thank you, sir. I understand now. 
 
 Bogardus- You may remove the breakfast, Peter. 
 
 Bamaby- And, Peter, if anyone calls, perhaps it may be as 
 well for you to forget that anybody has been here except Mr. 
 Bogardus. Gives him some money. 
 
9 
 
 Peter- Thank you, sir. 1 disremember it tetotally, sah. There 
 wasn't anybody slept in that room worth mentioning. 
 
 Bogardus You may remove the breakfast, Peter. And, Peter, 
 you need not put that notice in the paper. I don't care much for that 
 umbrella. It was old and out of style. Give me the notice, Peter. 
 
 Peter- Yes, sah. Hands him the notice and exit Peter with the 
 tray, etc. 
 
 Bogardus. Taking up tlie shoe. These evidences of our guilt 
 must be destroyed, Barnaby. 
 
 Bamaby. Certainly, but how ? 
 
 Bogardus. Presenting the shoe. Eat it. Do not hesitate. 
 
 Bamaby. Might eat the candy. Can't eat that. Aside — How 
 fertile he is in resourses. 
 
 Bogardus. Burn it, then. Put it in the stove. Put some 
 paper with it and consume it utterly. 
 
 Bamaby. AH right. We will have some fried sole. Puts it in 
 
 Bogardus. Don't jest in a moment like this. Take some 
 paper. Not this morning's paper. Take this. Hands him some 
 neiospaper. Barnaby puts paper from which they had read into his 
 pocket and the other with shoe into stove. 
 
 Bamaby- Aside. What presence of mind he has. I believe 
 that he is used to this sort of thing. There were no witnessess to the 
 horrid deed, Bogardus. 
 
 Bogardus. No, but circumstantial evidence is enough to hang 
 a man. 
 
 Bamaby. Hang a man ! What do you mean ? 
 
 Bogardus- It's a hanging matter, Barnaby. You don't sup- 
 pose that you can assassinate young women with impunity, do you? 
 
 Bamaby- Don't they make some allowance for the first 
 offense ? 
 
 Bogardus. Yes, they fix it so that it shall be the last. 
 
 Bamaby. Don't they take the youth of the accused into ac- 
 count ? 
 
 Bogardus- They do. They arrange it so that he sha'n't grow 
 any older. 
 
 Bamaby. Is the law like that. Aside. How well he under- 
 stands criminal law. 
 
 Bogardus. That is the law, Barnaby. 
 
 Bamaby. Then it ought to be changed. 
 
 Bogardus. Barnaby, the police are on our track. We have 
 got to tace the consequences of our peccadillo. The police are on 
 our trail. They may arrive at any moment. We must fly. 
 
10 
 
 Bamaby- But there were no witnesses to the peccadillo, in 
 which the unfortunate young woman lost her candy and her life. 
 
 Bogardus- No, I suppose not. That is true. Walks up and 
 down. Aside. — There was but one witness. Why not remove him ? 
 I should be no worse off in the eye of the law and much more com- 
 fortable in traveling. — Excuse me while I go into my room to pack 
 a few necessaries. Exit Bogardus. 
 
 Bamaby. He is the only living witness of the deed. Why not 
 put him out of the way ? He is sure to be hanged sooner or later . 
 Go then, Bogardus, to meet the unhappy female whom we slaught- 
 ered, lakes carving knife from table. When he enters I will meet 
 him here, — Grouches near door, — and hew him limb from limb. 
 Strange how the appetite for blood grows on me. 
 
 Re enters Bogardus with uplifted base-ball bat. Meets Bamaby with 
 knife. They make faces at one another. 
 Bamaby. How are you, Bogardus ? 
 Bogardus- How are you, Barnaby ? Ihey shake hands. 
 Bamaby- I was ready for the police, Bogardus. 
 Bogardus- So was I. I should have dashed out their brains. 
 Barnaby- It is strange how the appetite for blood grows on one. 
 Alter that slight indulgence last night ; I feel like a human tiger. 
 The Mr. Hyde part of us, got the upper hand. 
 
 Bogardus- We are in the same boat, Barnaby. 
 Bamaby We are. Our careers of crime began together. 
 Bogardus- They did. If we are hanged it will be on the same 
 gallows. 
 
 Bamaby- "Happy and youthful in their lives, in death they 
 were not divided." 
 
 Bogardus- It won't do for us to be seen traveling. I have 
 some disguises that we can assume till we reach a safe retreat. 
 Bamaby- Safe retreat ! 
 
 Bogardus- Yes, they will descend on us here, guided by that 
 accursed umbrella. 
 Barnaby- Descend on us ! Looking at ceiling. 
 Bogardus* We must conceal our identity. I have some cos- 
 tumes we used for our amateur theatricals. 
 
 Bamaby. Can't conceal your identity that way. 
 Bo0ardu8- Yes, we can. It must be done. Goes into bedroom. 
 Bamaby- When T think that only yesterday I was a gay hap- 
 py innocent youth, and that now I have entered on a course of crime 
 which can have but one end ; it seems to me like a horrid dream. 
 Yesterday I could look my fellow man in the eye and greet him with 
 
11 
 
 a wholesome, salutation. Now, I must flee from city to city with a 
 comparative stranger. Behind me I hear the baying of the clogs of 
 the law. By my side sits a haunting fear of capture. Before me I 
 see at the end of a long vista, a drop scene — a tight rope act in which 
 I am the star. All around me I see the eye of the law, which seems 
 to wink at me and say, "Go on young fellow, I have my eye on you, 
 and some day I will clutch you" Enter Bogardus with bundle of cos- 
 tumes. 
 
 Bogard^us. The awful crime was committed by two young 
 men. We now disappear from society and become a middle-aged 
 man and women. You have a nice, slim figure and no mustache. 
 You must be the woman. 
 
 Bamaby. I have got quite a nice mustache coming. 
 
 Bogardus- Not enough to be noticed. You must be the mid- 
 dle-aged woman. 
 
 Bamaby. Now, I say there is quite a nice mustache, Rubbing 
 his lip. — Besides I don't want to be middle-aged. 
 
 BoQardus- Nonsense. You can't pick and choose costumes 
 with death staring you in the face. Here take these and go into my 
 room and arrange yourself. 
 
 Bamaby. How can 1 tell how such garments go ? Holds up 
 Skirt. 
 
 Borgardus- Oh, it is simple enough. Put your head through 
 the places and fasten 'em around your waist. Hurry up now. Exit 
 Bamaby through door on back. 
 
 Bo tardus. Tries on his wig and changes coat ; ties on beard, 
 etc. — It is a nuisance to have to take care of him, but there is no help 
 for it. — Re-enters Bamaby in shirt sleeves with bustle in his hand. 
 
 Bamaby. Where does this fish basket go — on the side or in 
 front ? 
 
 Bogardus. No, no. It belongs here. — Don't waste so much 
 time. — Get your skirt on quick. 
 
 Bamaby- Get my skirt on. You talk as if I were a milliner's 
 apprentice. I tell you these things are mysterious. 
 
 Bo tardus. Pshaw, you have no ingenuity. Don't fool, but put 
 on your costume. 
 
 Bamaby. I tell you it is a complicated arrangement. It takes 
 time. Exit Bamaby. 
 
 Bo$ard,us Continues his dressing, looks in glass, puts on hat. 
 Last Time I wore these it was fun. Now it is earnest. No one knew 
 me then. It was at Mrs. Brown's and Lily was the girl. She was 
 a sister to me. She was a nice girl. - 
 
12 
 
 Bamaby- From within. I'm getting the hang of these duds now. 
 I believe I've caught the combination. 
 Bo tardus- All right. Continues his dressing. 
 Bamaby- From within. I've simplified the thing considerably. 
 There is one mysterious garment here I'm going to discard. 
 
 Bo&ardus- You had best not leave out anything. They all go 
 somewhere. 
 
 Bamaby- From within. I have it. Just wait a minute till I 
 find the arm hole. There you are — Enters Bamaby in costume with 
 bonnet in hand. There, am I not killing ? 
 
 Bogoirdus- Killing ! Please don't mention the word. 
 Bamaby. Well, at least I'm a stunning girl. 
 Bogardus- Oh, don't say stunning either. It makes me think 
 of that young girl returning to her home with a package of candy, 
 little knowing her dreadful fate. 
 Bamaby- Poor thing ! — Well, I'm charming anyhow, 
 Bo&ardus- Seems to me there is a lack of harmony some- 
 where. 
 
 Bamaby- Lack of harmony indeed. Much you know about it. 
 If you don't like my style get some other girl. 
 
 Bo tardus- Now, Barnaby, don't be absurd. It seems to me 
 that is not exactly a proper costume for the street. It might attract 
 attention. 
 
 Bamaby- Well, that is what a woman's dress is for is it not ? 
 Pull my dress down behind please, that is a dear. How does my 
 skirt hang ? Looks in glass. 
 
 Bogardus- It has rather a lop-sided look somehow. How do 
 women arrange these things ? 
 
 Barnaby- Before glass. You're jealous. Tries to put on bonnet 
 as if it were a derby. 
 
 Bogardws- Here, you musn't do it that way. You will give 
 the whole thing away. Put it on gingerly from behind — and pat it 
 gently. 
 Bamaby- Like this. Arranges his hat. 
 
 Bo tardus- That is better. Still you have rather a masculine 
 look somehow. 
 
 Bamaby- Of course I have. That is the style of the modern 
 girl. I say, Bogardus, there is lots of excitement in this criminal life, 
 isn't there V 
 JJo<>'ardus- You may find more excitement than you like. 
 Barnaby- It's great fun being a girl— when you are a pretty 
 one willi Style. Like me. Comes to front of stage. 
 
 J Jo 'tardus- There, I think you will do now. Now, assume the 
 
13 
 
 feminine air and remember that your name is Sussanna Duzenberry 
 I am your husband, Obed Duzenberry, from Wayback. Now observe 
 the conventionalities. 
 
 Bamaby. Nobody can recognize us. Seats himself in chair 
 and throws his leg over the arm. 
 
 Bogardus- Here, you musn't do that. Assume a modest de- 
 meanor. 
 
 Bamaby. Like this ? 
 
 Bogardus- No, more like this. Mind, you mustn't look at 
 any men. 
 
 Bamaby- Don't want to, if they look like you. 
 
 Bogardus- Come, that is first rate for a wife. 
 
 Bamaby* Where is the pocket ? No vest pocket ! No trow- 
 sers pocket ! How is this ? This is a great rig. 
 
 Bogardus- I think the pocket is somewhere round here. 
 
 Bamaby* Turning round and round. Might as well have 
 a pocket in another woman's dress. 
 
 Bogardus- Here it is, I think. 
 
 Bamaby- Poor women do have hard times, don't they ? 
 Strides up and down. 
 
 Bogardus- 5f ou musn't walk that way. Step as if your knees 
 were tied together with an elastic band. There that is better. No- 
 body can recognize us. 
 
 Bamaby- Now, my dear, I think we are ready to go out. 
 
 Bogardus- That isn't the way a man's wife talks to him. You 
 must say, "Obed, how long are you going to keep me waiting? 
 
 Bamaby- Obed, how long are you going to dilly-dally ? I 
 never saw such a slow, old poke. 
 
 Bogardus- That is much more natural. 
 
 Bamaby- I say, old man, have you got anything to smoke? 
 
 Bogardus- That won't do. You have got to give up smoking. 
 
 Bamaby- Have I ? The way of the transgressor is hard. I 
 never realized how hard before. 
 
 Bogardus- Now, we are ready to depart. I know a quiet re- 
 treat where we can remain secluded till this thing blows over. 
 
 Bamaby- Do you know, the effect of this costume is to make 
 me feel very tender towards that poor girl. 
 
 Bogardus- Don't mention her. Shuddering. 
 
 Bamaby- Weeping. So young and so lovely. Hangs on Bo- 
 gardus. 
 
 Bogardus- It can't be helped now. 
 
 Bamaby- Cut down in the flower of her youth and happiness. 
 
14 
 
 Bogardus- We must save ourselves. 
 
 Bamaby- We are especially interested in her. We ought to 
 put up a suitable monument, in the cemetery. 
 
 Bogardus. Oh, nonsense ! 
 
 Bamaby. I shall send a check to her family, as a token of my 
 heart-felt sympathy. Takes check book from table. 
 
 Bogardus. Are you crazy ? We must lie hidden. 
 
 Bamaby. You must make some allowance for the tender feel- 
 ings of a female. Don't speak so harshly to your own. Embraces 
 him. 
 
 Bogardus. Oh, stop.— You don't do it right anyhow. Enter 
 Peter. 
 
 Peter. Who are you ? How did you get in ? 
 
 Bamaby. I am your father's ghost. No, I mean I am your 
 mother's aunt. 
 
 Peter. Frightened. For de Lawd, dere is something wrong here. 
 Where Mr. Bogardus ? 
 
 Bamaby. He has gone, Peter, to the region of the home wind. 
 You are the last rose of summer, left blooming alone. Tell him we 
 called, Peter. 
 
 Peter. How he get down stairs without my see him ? Enters 
 bed-room f Bamaby turns key. 
 
 Bamaby- Why not kill him for practice. 
 
 Bogardus- No, no. He is too good a servant. Good servants 
 are rare. 
 
 Peter. Within, kicking door. Let me out ! Let me out ! There 
 is something wrong. Police ! Police ! 
 
 Bogardus. In his natural voice near the door. What is the 
 matter, Peter ? 
 
 Peter- Within. Two strangers lock me in here, Mr. Bogardus. 
 
 Bo tardus. To Bamaby. Our disguises are a success. To 
 Peter. That is all right, Peter. They are my uncle and aunt from 
 the country. Remain quietly in the room where you are, Peter. I 
 must have some conversation with the old people. Don't disturb 
 us, Peter. To Bamaby. Now we will lock all the doors and leave. 
 
 Bamaby- Aside. Gad, what presence of mind he has ! I be- 
 lie vr: that he is an old hand at dodging the law. Let us fly. Exeunt. 
 — Curtain. 
 
15 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Office of a country inn. Window on left. Practicable door in middle. 
 Five splint-bottom chairs. Franklin stove, maps and advertisements, 
 chromos on walls, etc. Counter at one end with hotel register, pens, 
 show case, etc. Table. Smother, Hossbarn and Deadhead, all in 
 their shirt- sleeves. 
 
 Smother behind counter. The others tilted back in chairs, feet on 
 table. 
 
 Smot}ier> I see they have had quite a murder over to Camp- 
 town . 
 
 Hossbam Camptown always was quite a lively place. 
 
 Deadhead- That's so. 
 
 Hossbam- Don't nothing happen here. There ain't no enter- 
 prize in Clayville. 
 
 Deadhead- That's so 
 
 Smother- Well, 1 had just as lieve the murder business was 
 dull, as not. 
 
 Deadhead- So would I. 
 
 Hossbam- I tell you that a murder is a mighty good advertise- 
 ment for a place. Calls attention to the natural advantages of the 
 location. 
 
 Smother- Expensive. 
 
 Hossbam That's according to who it is that is murdered. It 
 brings in lots of strangers and they all spend some money. 
 
 Deadhead- . That's so. 
 
 Hossbam And bosses ; and they all have to be fed. A coro- 
 oner's jury would be worth five dollars to this house. Enter Bogar- 
 dus and Barnaby disguised, from rear. 
 
 Bq tardus- (3&n we have board and lodging here for a week or 
 so? 
 
 Smother- I reckon you can. Presenting register. Bogardus 
 signs. Won't your lady go into the parlor ? 
 
 Bogardus- Lady! What lady ? 
 
 Smother- Why, this lady. Don't she belong to you ? 
 
 Bo^ardllS- Oh, certainly she is my sister. Aside to Barnaby. 
 You musn't tramp round so. You must go into the ladies parlor. 
 You are not conventional 
 
 Baniabfj. Aside to him. What can I do there? I had rather 
 stay here. What did you divorce me for ? 
 
16 
 
 Bogardus. Aside. Oh, I forgot. You can't stay here. Re- 
 collet your sex. Don't make love to the chambermaid. 
 
 Barnaby- Aside. If I remember my sex, I will. 
 
 Smother- Show the lady to the parlor. Exit Hossbarn and 
 Barnaby. 
 
 Deadhead- Looking out of the window. There comes Haines's 
 trotter. 
 
 Smother- Is that so ? Smother, Deadhead and Hossbarn exeunt 
 hurriedly. 
 
 Bogardus. Here ! See here ! I want a room. Cool set this, 
 to all rush out to see a horse and leave a man in possession ! Re- 
 enter Barnaby. 
 
 Barnaby- I'm not going to sit alone in that parlor with a cast 
 iron stove and a stuffy smell and three chairs, two with broken 
 backs, and a china lamp on the mantelpiece. I had rather be killed 
 at once. I'm going out to the barn to see the horses. 
 
 Bogardus- No, you must not. You are the most unmanage- 
 able person I ever saw. You have no discretion at all. 
 
 Barnaby- Have I not acted the part naturally ? 
 
 Bogardus- Altogether too naturally. You have been making 
 eyes at every man you met. You mustn't be making up to all the 
 men in that preposterous way. I'm ashamed of you. 
 
 Barnaby- That is the most natural thing about me. I've had 
 two offers already. Oh, I'm a masher. 
 
 Bogardus- You musn't attract so much attention. 
 
 Barnaby- How can I help it? Enter Smother. 
 
 Smother- That is a mighty good boss, and well gaited, behind. 
 
 Barnaby- Oh, I should so like to ride behind it. 
 
 Bogardus- Well, you can't do it. 
 
 Barnaby- This is a very pleasant town of yours, Mr. Smother. 
 
 Smother. Yes, Miss Duzenberry, we think so. 
 
 Barnaby- And a pleasant old-fashioned roomy house. 
 
 Smother- I am glad it pleases you miss. We are rough, but we 
 are hearty. Notices ring on Barnaby's hand. Aside. That's a hand- 
 sum ring she has, and a nice cane he has, guess they are rich folks. 
 
 Barnaby. Pretty good business, Mr, Smother. 
 
 Smother- Oh, so— so— pretty fair for the country. 
 
 Barnaby- I just dote on the country, I'm infatuated with it ? 
 —just positively infatuated. 
 
 Bo tardus- Aside. Are you crazy? Do keep quiet like a 
 good girl. 
 
 Smother- But since I lost my wife, things go sort of caty- 
 cornered. 
 
17 
 
 Bamaby- They eo caty-cornered, do they? I'm so sorry. 
 Dear ! dear ! are you a widower ? It is bad for a house to be without 
 a mistress. I lost my husband three years ago. Dear ! dear ! you 
 remember bow badly I felt, Alfred. 
 
 Bogardus- Aside. Stop your nonsense. You will get us into 
 trouble. 
 
 Bamaby. A house like this ought to have a mistress, Mr. 
 Smother. 
 
 Smother. Indeed, it had, Miss Duzenberry. I feel it every 
 day. 
 
 Bogardus- Aside. Come, you fool, let us go out. 
 
 Barnaby > A Smart capable woman about my age. 
 
 Smother- Yes, indeed, Miss Duzenberry. 
 
 Bogardus- Taking Barnaby's arm. You musn't stay here, 
 this is the men's room. 
 
 Bamaby- I'm sure I don't wish to intrude. Do I Mr. Smoth- 
 er ? I am not in the way, am I ? 
 
 Smother- No, marm. You are welcome to any part of the 
 house or to the whole of it, when you say the word. 
 
 Bamaby- Oh, Mr. Smother, do you really mean that ? Men 
 are deceivers, ever. Aren't they, Alfred ? If I thought — Enter Hoss- 
 barn. 
 
 Hossbam- Excitedly. That hoss is coming down the street at 
 a 2:30 clip. Exit hurriedly. 
 
 Smother. Is he? I don't believe he can do it. Exit. 
 
 Bogardus- Angrily. Now you have got to stop this. What a 
 fool I was not to register you as my wife. Here we are in a safe re- 
 treat, the police entirely baffled, and you are reckless beyond de- 
 scription. 
 
 Bamaby- It is all the effect of that costume. I can't wear this 
 rig without acting out the character. 
 
 Bo tardus- At least you might act as a dignified, retiring ma- 
 tron. 
 
 Bamaby- I act up to my conception of the character. If you 
 don't like it get somebody else. I say, my reading is true to the broad 
 lines. Seats himself. 
 
 Bo&ardus- You really must be quieter in your manner, Barn- 
 aby. Women don't try to attract notice from every one they meet. 
 
 Bamaby- Don't they though ? 
 
 Bogardus- They don't assume that wild, reckless air. It is 
 considered highly objectional in good society. 
 
 Bamaby- You are way behind the time in your conception of 
 
18 
 
 the female character. Noise of dog fight heard outside. Barnaby 
 jumps up, overturning chair, and rushes to window. Hi Towzer ! good 
 dog. Grip him boy. 
 
 Bo&ardws- Brags him from window. I suppose you consider 
 that lady-like. Now, I tell you, you must not behave in that man- 
 ner. It is not feminine. 
 
 Barnaby- Well, perhaps that was not, but was it not a lively 
 fight ? 
 
 Bogardus You will give the whole thing away. After a 
 pause. After all why not ? Our tracks are entirely covered, we 
 might safely lay aside our disguises. 
 
 Barnaby- By all means. This is the most infernal, uncom- 
 fortable, inconvenient, exasperating rig ever invented by the enemy 
 of mankind. No vest pockets, no hip pocket, no shirt front, no 
 nothing, — pins sticking into you, things flapping about your legs. 
 You don't know what I have suffered. Next time I am a woman, 
 I'm going in for the divided skirt. 
 
 Bogardus As we have thrown the police entirely off from the 
 scent, I see no reason why we should not go out and throw away 
 our disguises and come back and register again. I will carry your 
 coat. Unpacks it from bag . Enter landlord. 
 
 Smother. That is a good boss, but in my opinion, he will never 
 do better than 2:33. Wouldn't you like to look him over, Miss 
 Duzenberry ? 
 
 Barnaby. Oh, of all things. 
 
 Bogardus. No, we are going out for a little walk. 
 
 Smother- Can I have a few moments private conversation with 
 you, Miss Duzenberry? 
 
 Bogardus- Not now. Come with me. 
 
 Barnaby- Oh, Alfred, why so stern? I'm sure I should like 
 to hear what Mr. Smother has to say,— that is, — if it is proper. 
 
 Boftarrfus- Aside. The very spirit of mischief is in you. 
 
 Barnaby* Good-bye, Mr. Smother. I shall not forget. I de- 
 clare 1 am all of a tremor. Good-bye. Au revoir. Kissing his 
 huwl r/xjuet'ishly. 
 
 Ho'Jardus. Pushing him out. I declare you are worse than a 
 real woman. Exeunt Bogardus and Barnaby. 
 
 Smother* ^olus. That is a plaguy smart acting woman. 
 Shouldn't wonder if she had souk; money. That is a hansum ring 
 ,| l;ll B he had on. He don't want me to keep company with her. 
 Quesa I will -lick up some. Puts on his coat and brushes his hair. 
 Thai was a hansum ring, Bhe is a hansum woman, too. First 
 
19 
 
 woman I've been took with, since Sally had them fits. Mighty good 
 woman Sally was, but, she did put a little too much shortening in 
 her raised biscuits. But, her pies! I shall never see them pies 
 again, nor such a pie-maker. She was never out of pie but once 
 while we kept house, and she could jell anything she set her mind to. 
 Taint likely I shall see her equal again. But it ain't well for a man 
 to live alone. Oh dear. Enter Hossbarn. 
 
 Smother- That was a fine sort of a woman, William. 
 
 Hossbarn- Who was ? 
 
 Smother. That woman who arrived with her brother. 
 
 Hossbarn- Shoo ! There ain't much odds in women. They 
 are curious creeters, but they are all alike, 'cept in heft and age. 
 
 Smother- You live with one a spell and you will find out that 
 there is odds in temper. 
 
 Hossbarn- I wouldn't give a hundred dollars boot between any 
 two women I ever see. 
 
 Smother- I tell you there is just as much odds in 'em as there 
 is in hosses, or in folks. You don't know nothing about 'em, 
 William. 
 
 Hossbarn- There is lots of odds in hosses. 
 
 Smother- That is so. I wonder where Miss Duzenberry, and 
 her brother went. They was mighty fine folks. 
 
 Hossbarn- I seen 'em moseying off by the river. Eater Bogar- 
 dus and Barnaby in their original dress. 
 
 Bo&ardus- To Barnaby. Now, w r e have got to arrive all over 
 again To Smother. Can w T e be accommodated with rooms here 
 for a few days, Laudlord ? 
 
 Smother- I reckon you can it you will take us as w T e run. 
 Noticing Bogardus' cain. — Aside. That is just like her brother's cain. 
 
 Barnaby* Give me something to smoke, quick I haven't 
 smoked tor a week Landlord ovens cigar case, and puis a bundle of 
 cigars on top of case. Notices Barnaby 's ring. 
 
 Aside. Her ring ! There has been foul play. 
 
 Bogardus- Well, what can you do for us, Landlord ? 
 
 Smother. Did you notice a couple of strangers as you came up, 
 a gentleman and a lady handsomely dressed ? 
 
 Bogardus. We didn't see anything but strangers, but we cer- 
 tainly did not see anybody handsomely dressed. But show us a 
 room. 
 
 Smother- To Hossbarn. G^ out and see if you can find any- 
 thing of Mr. and Miss Duzenberry. I believe these evil looking chaps 
 have murdered them. Get the other constable and some of the 
 neighbors Exit Hossbarn. 
 
20 
 
 Bogardus.. Landlord, if you can spare us a few moments of 
 your valuable attention, we would like to be informed whether we 
 can have a private room. Aside. Beats all the hotel clerks I ever 
 saw. 
 
 Smother. Presently, presently ! Don't be too fast. Opens reg- 
 ister, pushes it with pens totcards them, retreats to back of enclosure and 
 takes down old horse-pistol. Register. 
 
 Bogardus. What have you got that pistol for ? 
 
 Smother. In case -we should disagree about the room. 
 
 Bamaby. What a lunatic. I suppose that you don't know that 
 it is loaded. 
 
 Smother. It is loaded young man, with seven buckshot and a 
 slug. 
 
 Bogardus. Do you keep an asylum or a hotel ? Can we have 
 some rooms ? 
 
 Smother- Presently, presently. Now, what sort of a room 
 would you like ? 
 
 Bogardus. What have you got ? We want a room with two 
 beds and a fire. 
 
 Smother. Two beds and a fire ? I haven't got a room with two 
 beds and a fire. 
 
 Bamaby. Well, then give us a fire with a room and two beds. 
 
 Smother. The fire is in this pistol, young man. 
 
 Bamaby. Well, don't point it at me. It might go off and hurt 
 you. 
 
 Smother- Aside. What bold villains. Not afraid of my pis- 
 tol ! Let me think. A Mr. and Miss Dnzenberry have my two best 
 rooms. Observes them intently. 
 
 Bogardus. With confusion. Ah, yes. 
 
 Bamaby. We know them well. Very nice people. Give us 
 their rooms till they come back. 
 
 Smother. The cold blooded miscreant! Leaves the room pre- 
 cipitately. 
 
 Bogardus. Here! You haven't settled us yet. Did you ever 
 see the like. I believe that we have struck a private lunatic asylum. 
 
 Bamaby. Having two sets of guests oome the same afternoon 
 has unsettled his reason. Re-e)ite> Smother, accompanied by Hossharn, 
 Deadhead and several citizens armed with muskets and pitchforks. 
 
 Smother- There are the men. Seize the desperate criminals. 
 
 Bo0Cirdll8> What is the meaning of this P Arc you crazy ? 
 
 AIL. Surrender ! Bogardus and Bamaby are seized and after 
 resistance are overcome and bound in two chairs with a clothes line. 
 7 he crowd gathers to one side. 
 
21 
 
 Bogardus- What under the sun are you about ? I will have 
 the law of you. 
 
 Smother- You will have all the law you want. 
 
 Bamaby, Why do you treat inoffensive tourists in this inhos- 
 pitable manner? 
 
 Smother. Tragically. You are accused of murder. 
 
 Bogardus. ) Marder!! 
 
 Bamaby. > 
 
 Smother. Of the murder of a fair and pure-souled maiden. 
 
 Bamaby. Aside to Bogardus. The devil ! Who would have 
 supposed that they would have heard of our peccadillo out here? 
 
 Smother- Of the murder of Miss Duzenberry and her brother. 
 
 Bogard,us. Oh ! that ! 
 
 Bamaby- Is that all ? I breathe again. Jumping up. 
 
 Smother- Hard-hearted miscreants ! is not that enough ? She 
 was a beautiful woman. 
 
 Bamaby- So she was. But how do you know she is dead ? 
 
 Smother- She went out with her brother to view the scenery. 
 They entered the grove near the river. They have never been seen 
 to emerge. A splash was heard. Shortly after you emerged from 
 the fatal grove, your faces covered with fiendish glee, your boots 
 covered with mud. No one knows where 3 t ou came from, nor how 
 you arrived in this place. You have the ring of that saintly woman 
 on your finger, She was strangled by your hands in the bloom of 
 her youth and in the new found prospect of happiness, for I should 
 have married her. You have her brother's cane. Fiends, in the 
 human shape, what have you to say for yourselves ? 
 
 Bamaby- Oh, that is all right. Landlord. Don't interest your- 
 self so much in other people's business. 
 
 Smother- As sure as there is law in Jackson County, you shall 
 hang. Red-handed murder can't stalk through the streets of our 
 village with impunity. 
 
 Hossbam- Not much it can't. 
 
 Bogardus- We demand that you produce the body. 
 
 Smother- Your request is denied. What hardness of heart to 
 wish to gaze on the mangled remains. 
 
 Bamaby- L et us know when you have the coroner's inquest, 
 will you ? 
 
 Smother- This levity is ill-timed. 
 
 Hossbam- This will be a mighty good advertisement for our 
 town. 
 
 Deadhead- That's so. 
 
22 
 
 Smother. Who will wan't to settle in a place where a lovely- 
 stranger and her brother disappeared mysteriously in broad daylight. 
 However, I will telegraph to New York for a reporter, and you may 
 charge ten cents for a glass of whiskey. 
 
 Hossbarn- It will make things hum. 
 
 Smother. Let the doors be guarded, and we will drag the river 
 for the bodies. 
 
 Bogardus. We demand counsel. 
 
 Smother. In niy opinion, they ought to be lynched. However, 
 send for old Quibble. He will get them hanged anyhow. 
 
 Exeunt all but Barnaby and Bogardus, who are tied to the chairs. 
 
 Barnaby. How are you, Bogardus ? 
 
 Bogardus- How are you, Barnaby? 
 
 They go through the motion of shaking hands, then edge their chairs 
 along till they are nearer together, 
 
 Barnaby. This is an odd tiling — to be arrested for murdering 
 ourselves. Who ever heard of hanging a man for suicide. 
 
 Bogardus. Yes, and if we explain matters, that other matter 
 might come out. 
 
 Barnaby. What little matter? 
 
 Bogardus. Why, what are we running away for? 
 
 Barnaby. Oh yes ! Murder No. 1. I keep forgetting about 
 that poor girl. You see, I am a novice at this business. 
 
 Bogardus. Barnaby, do be serious. Our situation is gravo — 
 extremely grave. 
 
 Barnaby. All right. I am grave too. But is is a little compli- 
 cated for a man to be accused of two murders in same day. 
 
 Bogardus. So it is. But we must remain strictly incog. 
 
 Barnaby- We must not give our real names. 
 
 Bo&ardus. Certainly not, and they can't do anything with us 
 till they find the bodies. 
 
 Barnaby. They won't do that in a hurry. I say, Bogardus, 
 this criminal career has its ups and downs, hasn't it ? 
 
 Bo&ardus. Yes, it is like any other business, I suppose. No 
 matter how hard you work, your efforts are not always blessed. 
 
 Barnaby. Doesn't it strike you as too confining. 
 
 Bogardus. I don't like the sedentary part. 
 Enter Quibble and Guard. 
 
 Guard Here's your lawyer. Aside. Tough cases those. 
 Exit (hi aril, leaving his musket. 
 
 Quibble* Well, gentlemen, a little trouble, hey ! What can I 
 do for you ? 
 
23 
 
 Barnaby- You might untie this rope. 
 
 Quibble- I can't interfere with the executive. When the law ties 
 a rope, no man can unloose it. First, what are your names ? Re 
 prepares to takes notes 
 
 Barnaby. My name is Morris. 
 
 Bogardus- So is mine. 
 
 Quibble- Writing. Both names Morris What was the occa- 
 sion of your j ourney ? 
 
 Barnaby- I am travelling for my health. He is my valet. I 
 had heard that this is a very healthy part of the country. I am 
 troubled with nervous prostration. 
 
 Bogardus- So am I. 
 
 Quibble- Writing. Both suffering from nervous prostration. 
 Yes, the salubrity of our valley is remarkable. Yet people some- 
 times lose their lives here, very suddenly. Now detail all the occur- 
 rences from the time you left the city up to the commission of the 
 crime. 
 
 Bogardus- There isn't anything to tell. We haven't committed 
 any crime, — at least not here. 
 
 Quibble- You need not be afraid to tell me. You must confide 
 in your counsel. 
 
 Bogardus- We come here as simple travellers. We asked for 
 rooms. They bind us in this inhospitable way. 
 
 Quibble- To Bogardus. I prefer to talk to your master. To 
 Barnaby. Have you any money ? 
 
 Barnaby- No, not much, and we mean to keep what we have. 
 
 Quibble- Have you any political influence ? 
 
 Barnaby- I haven't any with me. Have you Bogardus ? 
 
 Bogardus- I never had any. I'm a mugwump. 
 
 Quibble- Then I should advise you to plead guilty. No money 
 and no political influence? Then, why did you commit a crime? 
 
 Bogardus- We haven't committed any crime. 
 
 Quibble- I can get your sentence reduced to ten years for one 
 hundred dollars. 
 
 Barnaby- J Ten years ! ) 
 
 Bogardus- \ Ten years ! J 
 
 Quibble- Yes, you will get that, any way. You have a pretty 
 good watch there. 
 
 Barnaby- Have I? It puts me up to the time of day. 
 
 Bo&ardus They can't prove us guilty till they find the bodies. 
 
 Quibble- They will have both of them inside of an hour. They 
 were fast to one as I came in, I heard. 
 
24 
 
 Bamaby* Were they ? Well, when they get them we will be 
 there. 
 
 Quibble- Gathering up his papers. When you make up your 
 minds to confide in your counsel, send for me. I can get you down 
 to ten years for one hundred dollars. Meanwhile, good bye. Exit 
 Quibble. 
 
 Bamaby- Ten years! This criminal life has its drawbacks 
 as a life of pleasure. But there is lots of excitement in it 
 
 Bogardus- It wont be so exciting, ten years of solitary con- 
 finement. 
 
 Bamaby- No, I should say there might be some sameness after 
 the first year 
 
 People put their heads in at the doors and windows. Cries of "they 
 ought to be lynched." Aren't they desperate looking, etc., etc. 
 
 Bamaby. Our appearance seems to be attracting a good deal 
 of attention, Bogardus. 
 
 Bogardus- I don't half like this. Suppose they should take it 
 into their silly heads to lynch us. 
 
 Bamaby- It grows more and more exciting. Mary and Fanny 
 enter at the door with floral ornaments, wreaths, etc. 
 
 Mary, Why, they are real interesting looking. Did you ever 
 See a real murderer before ? 
 
 Fanny- Pointing to Bamaby. This one is real cute. 
 Bamaby- Rising and bowing, uith chair attached Thank you 
 mavm. Excuse my sitting, please. Circumstances over which I have 
 no control, prevent me from standing. Pray be seated, ladies. In r 
 less constrained posture, I should be much more cute, I assure you. 
 
 Mary- Poor men. We have brought you some flowers, to cheer 
 your last hours. 
 
 Bogardus- Flowers are the one thing we needed to make the 
 time pass pleasantly. 
 
 Fanny- We will put them where } r ou can see them and inhale 
 their heavenly fragrance. 
 
 Bamaby- ConlcVt you fasten them in my button hole ? 
 Fanny- Oh, no ! You see you haven't been introduced. 
 Bamaby- You ought not to refuse the last wish of a condemned 
 man. 
 
 Fanny- No, poor man. Your wish shall be gratified. Aside. I 
 don't think that he is dangerous at all. Fastens large bouquet to his 
 coat. Mary does same for Bogardus. 
 
 Mary- r lo Bogardus. You too shall be decorated. 
 Bamaby* Thank you so much. Seems like a funeral But we 
 COUid converse better, ladies, if you would undo these ropes. 
 
25 
 
 Fanny- Oh, we ought not to do that. 
 
 Bogardus- We should so enjoy a few moments unrestrained 
 conversation with you 
 
 Bamaby. Dear Madam, see how those cruel men have bound us. 
 
 Mary. To Fanny How untamable they look. How lion-like 
 the glances of their eyes. So different from the commonplace every- 
 day men one meets at picnics. 
 
 Fanny, ^es, indeed. Like eagles. 
 
 Bamaby- For the love of humanity, do loosen this cord a little. 
 My foot's asleep. 
 
 Fanny- Will you promise not to run away ? 
 
 Bamaby- We will promise on our sacred honors not to try to 
 escape. 
 
 Bogardus. We will consider ourselves on parole. 
 
 Mary- But you might break your parole. 
 
 Bogardus- Say no more, madam. If you have no confidence 
 in my honor, freedom and captivity are all one to me. 
 
 Fanny. How could you hurt his feelings so. His spirit is so 
 noble. To doubt his honor. 
 
 Bamaby . My spirit is noble, too, but both my feet are asleep, 
 but I will endure it. 
 
 Bogardus. Many times have I been in imminent peril. I have 
 stared death in the face without flinching- And he stared right back 
 without flinching either, but never has my honor been doubted be- 
 fore. 
 
 Fanny- I have more confidence in you. I know that neither 
 you nor your friend would swerve from your plighted word. Offers 
 to unbind him. 
 
 Bogardus- No, madam. I will not be unbound, if your friend 
 thinks that I cannot be trusted. Oh, that my word should be doubted 
 by a lovely woman. This is indeed a stab 
 
 Bamaby. Aside. Gad, he knows how to manage 'em.^y left 
 eyebrow tickles. 
 
 Fanny. Poor fellow. Does it? I will relieve you. Takes a 
 gun left by the guard and rubs his eyebrow with\muzzel. There, is it 
 better. 
 
 Bamaby- Thank you. It does not tickle any more. 
 
 Mary To Bogardus, whose head haugs dejectedly. Now, do 
 not take it so to heart. I would not wound you for worlds. There, 
 you see I have perfect confidence in you, unbinds him. Aside. 
 What delicacy of feeling ! 
 
 Ba,maby My feet and hands are all asleeep. 
 
26 
 
 Fanny- Poor man. I will release you. 
 
 Barnaby- No. I do not wish to be unbound. If there is a 
 shade of suspicion between us, I prefer to submit to the temporary in- 
 convenience of the ropes I despise. Aside. — I guess I can work that 
 game as well as he. 
 
 Fanny- To Mary. What nobility of soul. So superior to the 
 men one meets at dances. To Barnaby. Pray pardon me my sus- 
 picion. It was unworthy of me. I had never met any gentlemen of 
 your profession before. Both are unloosed and walk about unsteadily. 
 The girls support them. 
 
 Fanny- Cruel men, to put you to such inconvenience. 
 
 JVLarif- To Bogardus. Can you forgive me ? 
 
 Bogardus. Say no more about it. We are, perhaps, foolishly 
 tenacious of our professional honor. 
 
 Mary- Now, sit down, and tell us something about your life. 
 
 Fanny- How wildly exciting it must be to be a real murderer. 
 Were you brought up to it ! Do sit down here. They seat themselves. 
 The men in the center, the girls on either side. 
 
 Barnaby- I was forced into a wild life by a cruel train of 
 unmitigated circumstances. 
 
 Fanny- How interesting. Do tell us all of your adventures. 
 
 Bogardus I was born an orphan. 
 
 Mary- How touching. 
 
 Barnaby- I was born of rich but honest parents on a hill farm 
 in Connecticut. You have noticed that all our great men came from 
 hill farms in Connecticut ? 
 
 Fanny- Poor man, so young and so unhappy. 
 
 Barnaby- At an early age I was deprived of my parents and 
 left with the farm. 
 
 Fanny- Poor man. No wonder you became desperate. 
 
 Barnaby- In these interesting circumstances, I was put under 
 the care of a grinding guardian. 
 
 Bogardus Interrupting. At four years, I ran away from 
 home and became a foot pad. 
 
 Barnaby Interrupting. A contemptible straight-laced honest 
 man. My spirit rose against oppression. I removed that guardian. 
 
 Bo&ardus- Interrupting. Placing myself at the head of a gang 
 of bandits, I devastated. 
 
 Barnaby Interrupting and speaking very fast. Since then I 
 have lived a life of an outlaw— my hand against every man and every 
 man's hand against mine. I terrorized the country for years. I am 
 the head of a great organization with our emissaries in every town. 
 
 
27 
 
 My friend here is a mere amateur, a robber apprentice whom I am 
 putting up to a few points. The unfortunate man and woman who 
 came here yesterday were in the possession of information that was 
 fatal to our band. It was necessary to remove them. They are re- 
 moved accordingly. 
 
 Fanny- Where to ? 
 
 Barnaby- To one of the secret hiding places of our band. 
 They can be produced at a moments notice. 
 
 Mary- Then, why don't you produce them ? 
 
 Barnaby- Do you think so meanly of me as to suppose that I 
 would produce them at the dictate of the minions of the law. No, 
 far rather death. Death has no terrors for me. 
 
 Bogardws. Nor for me I snap my fingers at it. 
 
 Mary- To Fanny. What untamed eagle — like fearlessness ! 
 Such men one could love with one's whole soul. 
 
 Fanny- Yes, indeed. To the firey center of one's heart. 
 
 Barnaby- Do you think that we would fly from the dogs of 
 the law. Perish the thought. 
 
 Bogardus- Perish the thought. 
 
 Barnaby- Don't you think that a walk in the country would 
 be pleasant ? 
 
 Fanny- The guard is at the door. 
 
 Barnaby. Say the word, and I will strike him down and hew 
 my way through all opposition. 
 
 Fanny- Oh, no. You must not do that. 
 
 Bo^aJ'das- Why not get out of the window and not disturb 
 them. 
 
 Mary- But that would be running away, wouldn't it ? 
 
 Bogardus- It would look like it, but of course we should come 
 back. Our parole is sacred. 
 
 Barnaby Our parole is not to be broken. Tumult outside. 
 Cries of, "Lynch the murderers. Let us get at them. Bring them out. 
 Hang them" etc. 
 
 Mary- They will get at them and kill them. Fastens the door on 
 the inside. Blows heard on the door. 
 
 Fanny- You must fly. 
 
 Barnaby- Not unless you go with me. 
 
 Fanny- I know a safe retreat on the mountain side where you 
 would not be disturbed unless it might be by a Sunday School picnic. 
 
 Barnaby- I used to be a Sunday-school superintendent; I love 
 the little innocents. Will you go with me and be mine forever? 
 
 Fanny Have you got over being a Sunday-school superintend- 
 ent? 
 
28 
 
 Barnaby. Entirely. I assure you, my love. 
 
 Fanny- Then, I am yours. Come. They climb out of the window, 
 
 Mary- You mustn't stay here to be assassinated by those cruel 
 men. 
 
 Bogardus- Will you consent to become a bandit's bride. 
 
 Mary. Why, I hardly know. This is very unexpected. Con- 
 sider how short our acquaintance has been. Are you sure you really 
 know me. By the way, what is your name? Aside. — How romantic. 
 
 Bogardus My name is Percival Bogardus. Can you love an 
 outlaw, a proscribed man. 
 
 Mary. It has been my dream to wed a lion-hearted man, who 
 would terrorise the country from his rocky lair, and whom I could 
 terrorise at home. 
 
 Bogardus- Here is the man. The genuine article. Cries heard 
 outside as before, — the door is pounded on. 
 
 Mary- Come quick, there' is no time to lose. 
 
 Bogardus- Aside. I guess that door will hold a few minutes 
 longer. I will not leave this room till you promise to be mine. 
 
 Mary- Nonsense, you must. Come along, we can talk of that 
 as we fly, Pushes him towards window. 
 
 Bogardus- Gad ! how strong she is ! Gently, gently, please, 
 my dear. 
 
 Mary- Catching hold of him and hauling him along. You are 
 mine now, my lion-hearted terror, my stony eagle ! I never knew 
 what love was before. 
 
 Bogardus- Aside. Neither did 1. This is a new experience. 
 She has the muscle of a prize fighter. I thought love was a tender 
 passion, my dear. 
 
 Mary- So it is, usually. But these are unusual circumstances. 
 My love is deep as the oceau, and strong,— oh, so stroDg ! Still haul- 
 ing him towards window. 
 
 Bogardus- Aside. Strong. I should say it was strong. John 
 L. Sullivan is nothing to it,— easy, easy, my dear. 
 
 Mary- Gets through window and hauls Bogardus through.. Come 
 on my bandit, my robber king. You have found your mate. Exeunt 
 behind window as Smother enters in through the other side in exaggerated 
 mourning. 
 
 Smother- The body of the sainted woman cannot be found. I 
 have put on mourning for her. Where have ye hidden it ye mis- 
 creants V You shall answer; you shall be put to the torture. Per- 
 ceives vacant chairs. Why they have gone, too ! No bodies ! No 
 criminals! Help! Rescue! They have cut sticks. They have 
 
29 
 
 vamoosed. They have departed. The crowd rushes in through door. 
 The murderers are loose. Pursue them. The reputation of our 
 town is at stake. No murderers and no corpses ! Pursue them. 
 Bring them in dead or alive. 
 Jill. Pursue them. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 Same room as in Act II. Bogardus and Barnaby bound in chairs. 
 Smother •, Hossbarn and Deadhead have jtist finished tying them. 
 
 Smother. They thought they could get away, but we caught 
 'em. There, 1 guess that you will not get away this time until you 
 are led out for execution. 
 
 Barnaby. I still hold, Landlord that you can't hang anybody 
 for murder until you can prove that somebody is dead. 
 
 Smother. Where is Miss Duzenberry ? 
 
 Barnaby- I am sure I don't know. Why do you hold me re- 
 sponsible for a female in whom I do not take the slightest interest ? 
 
 Smother- Your impudence is equalled only by your monstro- 
 sity. Let the door be guarded, and we will bring them to trial at 
 once. Bring in the Jury, constable. 
 
 Hossbarn- All right Squire. Exeunt all but B. and B. 
 
 Barnaby- This criminal life is very confining, Bogardus. 
 
 Bogardus- Altogether too sedentary, Barnaby. 
 
 Barnaby- That is the most pestilential old fool I ever saw. 
 
 Bogardus- They can't prove anything against us. 
 
 Barnaby- I'd rather they would prove it and let me go, than 
 not prove it and hold me because they can't, 
 
 Enter Smother, Deidhead, Hossbarn, Quibble and three or four 
 others.— Enough to make ajuryofsix. 
 
 Smother- The trial will now proceed. Mr. Constable, conduct 
 the jury to their places. Gentlemen of the jury, rise— You do 
 solemnly swear that you will hear the evidence in this ease of the 
 People against the man Morris, and his partner, and a true verdict 
 
30 
 
 give according to the evidence and the statute in such case made and 
 provided, raise your right hands. 
 
 Jury We do. All stare intently at Barnaby. 
 
 Smother. Prisoner at the bar, rise. 
 
 Barnaby. Rises akwardly, with chair attached. I must protest. 
 
 Smother- Silence in the Court. You shall be heard through 
 your counsel. Beads from paper. "You are accused of having, with 
 malice aforethought and intent to do bodily harm, clubbed, stabbed, 
 drowned, murdered, and otherwise bereft of life with clubs, stones, 
 daggers, swords, guns, revolvers, and howitzers, Miss Clara Duzen- 
 berry, to her great bodily harm, detriment and inconvenience, and 
 contrary to the statute in such case made and provided." What do 
 you plead ? 
 
 Barnaby- I claim first : that no murder has been committed ; 
 second, that I did not do it ; third, that Miss Duzenberry committed 
 suicide and is at present in perfect health ; fourth, that there never 
 has been, and is not now, and never will be, any Miss Duzenberry. 
 
 Smother- Entering notes. Have you counsel ? 
 
 Bamaby- No. 
 
 Smother- I will appoint Solomon Quibble, Esq., Attorney at- 
 law, to defend the prisoners. 
 
 Barnaby- Then, I plead guilty. 
 
 Smother. You shall be heard through your counsel. Mr. Quib- 
 ble, take charge of the case. What plea do you enter? 
 
 Quibble- Rising. I plead that the prisoner is insane. It is a 
 clear and undoubted case of emotional insanity. 
 
 Barnaby. Nonsense ! Sitting down violently with chair. 
 
 Bo tardus. Aside. Gad, he is about right. 
 
 Quibble. We shall show, your Honor, that the prisoner's family 
 are all insane, and have been so for three generations. 
 
 Barnaby. Angrily. Perfectly absurd. 
 
 Quibble. In particular we shall show that the prisoner was born 
 under very unsanitary conditions ; that his mother boarded before his 
 birth with an insane woman whose son was also insane, from whom 
 the prisoner caught the complaint ; that symptoms of a tendency to 
 delirium were developed in the prisoner at the age of two years, giving 
 rise to homicidal insanity during his entire childhood"; that the pris- 
 oner's speech, look and actions are wild, disconnected, incoherent and 
 SUCll as only an insane person indulges in. 
 
 Barnaby. Angrily. A pack of lies ! 
 
 Quibble. Aside to him. That is right Talk and act just 
 that" way. I call your attention, gentlemon of the jury, to the pris- 
 
31 
 
 oner's appearance. Notice the wild gleam of insanity in his eye. 
 Furthermore, your honor, under the authority of the 15th and 16th 
 of Wendell, where the Supreme Court held distinctly that until the 
 body of the murdered person is found there is no corpus delicti, and 
 in consequence no cause of action, we ask for an adjournment. 
 
 Smother. For how long ? 
 
 Quibble. For seven years. 
 
 Bogardus- To Barnaby. The old man's head is level. 
 
 Barnaby. Aloud. The lawyer is the craziest one of the lot. 
 
 Quibble Do you hear that? Another evidence of insanity. An 
 insane person always considers other people crazy. 
 
 Smother. Seven years is too long. The prisoners might die. 
 
 Hossbarn. Who has been looking out of the window. They are 
 fixing for a race between the old Daniel Webster horse and Hines's 
 mare 
 
 All. Is that so ! All rise and rush out excitedly. 
 
 Smother. In going out. Hear ye! Hear ye ! This court stands 
 adjourned for one-quarter of an hour. Rushes out leaving B. and B. 
 alone. 
 
 jBogardus. Did you ever know the like. This is the craziest 
 town I ever struck. 
 
 Barnaby. It is a good thing that we are not accused of horse 
 stealing. They would have us hanged by this time. 
 
 Enter Mary and Fanny, climbing through the window. 
 
 J\tary. They would not let us in, and so we came the moment 
 the coast was clear. 
 
 Fanny. That guard is just real mean. You sha'n't be tied in 
 chairs any longer, you poor dear bandits. Theyproceed to utiiie them. 
 
 Barnaby. Thanks, awfully. I hope that we sha'n't be tied again 
 soon. 
 
 Bogardics. Interrupting. Except when we are tied to you. 
 
 Barnaby- That is what I was going to say. Do not interrupt 
 your captain. 
 
 Jlfary. Now, we have a new plan. Producing bundle. We have 
 brought you some clothes so that you can disguise yourselves and 
 nobody will know you. Opens buudle. We have brought these 
 that my little brother found in the river. 
 
 Fanny. We have dried and iroued them nicely, so that you 
 need not fear to catch cold. 
 
 Barnaby. To Bogardus. Our disguises ! How fortunate ! 
 
 Botfardus. Our disguises to be sure. Now, Barnaby, be a good 
 girl this time. 
 
32 
 
 Mary. Run into the parlor and disguise yourselves quick as you 
 can. We will go away and meet you outside. Exeunt B. and B. 
 
 Fanny' What fun ! Do you suppose nobody will know them ? 
 
 Mary. Oh, we can fix them up a little. 
 
 Fanny. But what can we do with them. 
 
 Mary. We will introduce them as friends from the city. Make 
 up some names. 
 
 Fanny. Let me see. Enter Peter. 
 
 Peter. Excuse me ladies. I am looking for two strangers. 
 
 Fanny. Two strangers. Aside. Its somebody after our ban- 
 dits. 
 
 Peter- Yes ladies. An elderly man and woman. 
 
 Mary. Oh, yes; exactly; an elderly man and woman. 
 
 Peter. I followed them from the railroad station. 
 
 Fanny. Why do you want an elderly man and woman ? 
 
 Peter. They have absquandered my master in toto. 
 
 Mary. Is it possible 1 
 
 Peter. Yes miss, and I have followed them to this town and I 
 am going to have them arrested. They are desperate characters. 
 
 Fanny- Why this town is running over with desperate charac- 
 ters! 
 
 Peter. Then I guess I'll get the constable. 
 
 Mary. We will show you where he lives. Exeunt all three 
 Enter B. aud B. disguised. 
 
 Barnaby. Does my dress hang right behind ? 
 
 Bogardus. Oh, yes, it hangs down to the ground. 
 
 Barnaby. Is my hat on straight? This makes me think of 
 that poor girl. 
 
 Bogardus- Pretty straight, I think, but it looks crumpled. 
 Poor thing, I am sorry for her, too. 
 
 Barnaby- How do I look. Her bright and unsuspecting life 
 snurTed out in an instant. Weeps. 
 
 Bogardus. Are my whiskers even? Life is very uncertain, 
 Barnaby, 
 
 Barnaby. Push 'em a little more to the left. There that will 
 do. It is indeed, Bogardus. She was probably bringing the candy 
 to her little sister, Bogardus. 
 
 Bogardus. They don't feel just right. Straighten 'em a little, 
 please. That little sister will never see her, Barnaby. Nor eat that 
 candy. Weeps. 
 
 Barnaby. Not in this world. So young and so happy ! Am I 
 all right, Bogardus ? 
 
33 
 
 Bo&ardus. You haven't a real feminine air somehow. Cut 
 down so early in life, she who might have made some good man's 
 home bright and happy. There, that is better. Pulls down his skirt 
 
 Bamaby. Now, we are complete. Probably she would have- 
 lived to a good old age. Enter Peter and Hossbarn. 
 
 Peter. There they are. I want you to arrest them for making 
 away with two men. 
 
 Hossbarn- Why them's the folks came this morning. They've 
 been made away with themselves. 
 
 Peter- I can't help that. I've got a requisition, 
 
 Hossbarn- All right then. Peter shows him paper. 
 
 Bamaby, To Bogardus Here's more trouble. These are 
 mighty good disguises of yours. -I'd like to assume some character 
 in which I should nnt be liable to arrest. 
 
 Bogardus- lo Bamaby. No one could have foreseen this 
 complication. It is unfortunate. 
 
 Bamaby. We'll have to go through some more lightning trans- 
 formation scenes. Fast as they take us up in one character, we will 
 change to another. 
 
 Bogardus- I am afraid that would not work. I must speak to 
 Peter. Moves up behind Peter and speaks in his ear. Hossbarn contin- 
 ues reading requisition paper. Peter, bring another omelet ! 
 
 Peter. Great scott ! ! Mr. 
 
 Hogardu/S. Hush. Don't mention my name but go right back 
 to town and if anybody asks for me say I'm in Europe. 
 
 Peter- Yes, sah. 
 
 Bamaby. And Peter, While you are about it, say I'm dead. 
 Dead, Peter recollect. I never was deader, that is simplest. Dead. 
 Peter. 
 
 Peter. Yes, sah. 
 
 Hossbarn. This is all right. Now, come along. 
 
 Peter. These are not the individuals. 
 
 Hossbarn. Paper is all right, I'm going to arrest them anyhow. 
 
 Bamaby. To Peter. Tell him you saw the right people in 
 another part of the town. 
 
 Peter I saw those individuals near the depot. Come quick. 
 
 Hossbarn- Well, I want my fees anyway. 
 
 Peter- You shall have them. 
 
 Bamaby- "Take, O boatman, thrice thy fee." Giving him 
 money. 
 
 Hossbarn All right. We'll catch them. Exit Hossbarn and 
 Peter, main door. 
 
34 
 
 Bamaby. There is more excitement in this criminal life than I 
 thought possible, but I am getting mixed as to whom I really am. 
 
 Bogardus It is confusing. Assume a more conventionally 
 proper air. Some one is coming. Enter Smother. 
 
 Smother. The bodies as sure as I am born ! Where are the 
 prisoners ? 
 
 Bamaby. Two persons went out just as we arrived, Mr. 
 Smother. 
 
 Smother. Is it really you, Miss Duzenberry? Alive and well ? 
 You can imagine what I have suffered in thinking about you. 
 
 Bamaby. Have you ? Was the thought of me so painful ? 
 
 Bogardus. Aside to Bamaby. Shut up, you fool. 
 
 Smother- I have looked for you everywhere. That is, for your 
 remains. I thought that you had been murdered. 
 
 Bamaby, Murdered! How horrible! What an idea! lam 
 not in the habit of being murdered, I assure you. Coquettishly. And 
 you really felt badly ? 
 
 Bogardus. To Bamaby. Stop your confounded nonsense. I 
 believe that lawyer is right. You are insane. You will get us into 
 trouble again. 
 
 Smother. Yes, I felt very bad right here. Puts his hand on his 
 heart. I hain't felt so bad since I lost Sally. 
 
 Bamaby. Did you really think I was murdered ? 
 
 Smother. Yes, there came here two of the most villainous look- 
 ing men, I ever saw. One of them was a huge man, his face seamed 
 with crime. 
 
 Bamaby. To Bogardus That is you. But there were two 
 you say, the other was not so bad then ? 
 
 Smoth&r- You are mistaken, Miss Duzenberry. The other was 
 shorter, but I never saw a more frightful face. He looked like a 
 fiend from hell, out on a summer vacation and]trying to look benevo- 
 lent. I shudder when I think of that evil man. 
 
 Bogardus, To Bamaby. That is you. But] where are they 
 now ? 
 
 Smother. They were captured and escaped. I re-captured 
 them after a most desperate struggle. 
 
 Bamaby They resisted, did they ? 
 
 Smother. Violently. I thought at one time that I should have 
 to call for help. 
 
 Bogardus- But, you did not. 
 
 Si Mother. No, the thought of Miss Duzenberry nerved my arm. 
 [ was like a thousand men. 
 
35 
 
 Bamaby. But where are the desperate miscreants now ? Do 
 let us see them. 
 
 Smother- Looking around. That reminds me. They have es- 
 caped again. They must be pursued. Calls. Hiram ! George ! En- 
 ter Hossbam and Deadhead. Them murderers have got loose again. 
 They must be caught. 
 
 Hossbam. Them murderers is more trouble than a whole 
 family. 
 
 Deadhead' Confound them, why can't they stay caught? I 
 can't be chasing murderers all this good haying weather. 
 
 Smother. They must be caught for the honor of the town. 
 Will you go with us, Mr. Dnzenburry ? 
 
 Bo gar das Thanks. I am rather tired after my walk. Aside. — 
 The idea of asking a man to help catch himself. I will stay and 
 protect my sister. 
 Bamaby- Oh, yes, do. Catching his arm. I'm so timid. 
 Hossbarn. If we get them again, we might as well shoot them 
 on the spot and save all further litigation. 
 Bamaby. Oh, yes, shoot them on the spot. 
 Smother. Bring them in alive or dead, and we will give them 
 a fair trial. Law is laiv. 
 
 Hossbam. But, it seems to me, that there hasn't been anybody 
 murdered. Here are the folks to prove it. 
 
 Bamaby \ We don't know anything about it. We are strangers, 
 aren't we Alfred ? 
 
 Bo tardus Certainly, we know nothing about the case. 
 Smother. You can't prove anything by them. Those murder- 
 ers were in the custody of the law, and they can't be released except 
 by verdict. 
 Bamaby- Oh, catch them by all means. 
 
 Smother. It shall be done if you wish it. But I will take off 
 my mourning. Removes his coat. 
 
 Hossbam. To Deadhead. I can't get this through my head. 
 Deadhead Nor I neither. But it will all come out on the 
 trial. 
 
 Bamaby. To Smother. Did you really think I was lost ? 
 Bo (tardus- To Bamaby. Keep quiet, can't you. You will get 
 things mixed. 
 
 Bamaby. To Bogardus. Can't be mixed up worse than they 
 are already. If I am to wear a woman's dress, I am going to have a 
 woman's heart. No half-way measures for me. It is the effect of this 
 costume. 
 
36 
 
 Smother. I thought I should never see you again. 
 Barnaby. My poor man! Now catch those murderers, and 
 when you get them, I am yours. We will have the hanging and 
 the wedding on the same day. Two nooses— one clergyman ! 
 
 Smother. They shall be captured. Exeunt Smother, Eossbarn 
 and Deadhead. 
 
 Bogardus. Positively, Barnaby, you are the most imprudent 
 person, — don't you know that that first murder is still hanging over 
 us. We should avoid all notice. 
 
 Barnaby. Dear me ! I forgot all about that poor girl. So 
 young, so handsome, and no suitable monument erected over her 
 mangled remains. Weeps. It is a duty peculiarly ours. It shall be 
 inscribed, "From her friends and well wishers.— The good die young," 
 Enter Mary and Fanny. 
 
 Fanny. Why didn't you come out as you said you would ? We 
 have been waiting for you this half hour, you naughty bandits. 
 
 Barnaby. Our disguises are so good that there is no need of our 
 running away now 
 
 Fanny. Oh, you goose. You don't think that you really look 
 like a woman. 
 Barnaby. Why. Don't I? 
 
 Mary. You might deceive a man, but not a woman. How his 
 dress hangs ! Do look. 
 
 Fanny* Let me arrange you a little. Pins it up here and there. 
 Mary. That is better ; still— Mary and Barnaby converse apart. 
 Fanny. But didn't you want to see us? Why did you wait? 
 Barnaby. Knew you would come here to see us pretty soon. 
 Fanny- But, the gentlemen ought to come to see the ladies. 
 Barnaby- Well, I'm a lady now. I admit, Bogardus was not 
 polite to dally here. He is only a walking gentleman. We girls 
 have to wait for people to come to see us. 
 Fanny. We girls, indeed ! 
 
 Barnaby. It's mean in Mary to take the only beau. 
 Fanny. Tearfully. Then you don't love me any longer ? 
 Barnaby* Oh, yes, I do, but in a different way. More tender 
 and retiring, you know. 
 
 Fanny. I don't like the retiring way. 
 
 Barnaby- I can't feel much like a bold bandit in this dress. I 
 can't make the advances, now. 
 
 Fanny. Pouting. I don't believe you ever hurt anybody. 
 Barnaby- Don't you? Just read our exploit in this morning's 
 paper. Feels frantically for the pocket 
 
37 
 
 Bogardus. Calls out. Don't tell her about that. 
 
 Fanny- About what ? You mustn't have any secrets from me 
 
 Bogardus- Running up. Don't show that paper. You might 
 give the police a clue. 
 
 Barnaby. If they get a clue, we are safe anywhere. 
 
 Fanny* You must give your Fanny your whole confidence. 
 
 Barnahy- Certainly. But I can't find any pockets. There are 
 a great many inconveniences about being a woman. 
 
 Fanny- Here is the pocket. You were looking in the wrong 
 gore. 
 
 Barnaby- I was looking in the wrong gore, was I ? 
 
 Bogardus- Don't show the paper. 
 
 Mary- Coming up. What are you talking about, my dear ? 
 
 Bogardus- I was saying that it was very fortunate that you 
 found our disguises. 
 
 Barnaby- That paper must be in my coat pocket. Goes to side 
 where 7iis coat is. Enter Smother. 
 
 Smother. No trace can be found of the fugitives. They have 
 vanished. 
 
 Bogardus- Are they still at large ? 
 ' Smother- They are. 
 
 Bo&ardus- But they cannot escape, can they ? 
 
 Smother. No. The town is thoroughly patrolled. Would you 
 advise me to send to New York for a detective ? 
 
 Bogardus- By no means. Let the honor of capturing them 
 be ours. They converse apart. Smother regards Barnahy admiringly. 
 
 Barnaby. 1o Fanny. He has been examining his coat in the 
 meantime, finds the paper, carries forward and hands to her. Here 
 it is. Prepare to have your blood froze. 
 
 Fanny- Reads. " Horrible occurrence ! A young woman found 
 dead ! " She looks at head of paper. Why, how old are you ? 
 
 Barnaby- I was thirty on my last birthday. 
 
 Fa,nny- Sobbing. You have been deceiving me. You have 
 claimed crimes that are not yours. 
 
 Barnaby. No. I assure you. 
 
 Fanny \ You have assumed a wickedness to which you have no 
 Veal title. Your character is not what I thought. 
 
 Barnaby Do you think me moan enough to conceal virtue un- 
 c ler a smiling appearance of vice ? 
 
 Fanny- Yes. I must conquer my love. You are not truthful. 
 fobbing. And I thought you so bad and wild. 
 
 Barnaby- I m:lv have lived a life oi violence and crime, but 1 
 
38 
 
 have always been scrupulously veracious. My professional reputa- 
 tion is beyond reproach. 
 
 Fanny- Sobbing. How could you have murdered a woman 
 when you were only two years old. 
 
 Bamaby. Two years old. 
 
 Fanny- Deceiver ! I don't believe you ever killed a chicken. 
 Say that you have at least, robbed a hen roost, and that your love for 
 me made you claim crimes you never have committed. 
 
 Bamaby* What do you mean ? We are hiding now on account 
 of that murder, and I haven't slept since it was committed. 
 
 Fanny- Likely that you have been awake twenty-eight years. 
 Read that, innocent man and never raise your head again. 
 
 Bamaby- Reads. "Fort Sumter was this morning fired upon 
 from Charleston. The venerable Edward RufBn pointed the first 
 gun." Confound those fellows. Have they started a new rebellion. 
 Is that old Ruffin on hand to fire the first gun again ? I will enlist 
 at once. Thank the Lord for the chance to show myself a man. 
 Good bye, my love. Halloo, Bogardus ! Come here ! We can go 
 to war and get oat of this. The others come forward. 
 
 Smother- You go to war, Miss Duzenberry ! 
 
 Bamaby- I shall enlist at once. Hurrah for the Stars and 
 Stripes ! Dances around stage. 
 
 Smother- Mercy on us ! She has gone crazy. Miss Duzenberry, 
 reflect. Think a moment. 
 
 Bogardus- We will be in the ranks to-morrow. 
 
 Mary- That is right. I honor you for it. 
 
 Fanny- 1o Bamaby. Here, look at the date of this paper. 
 Thrusts it into Ids hand. 
 
 Bamaby- Beads. April 12th 1861!! Why, this paper is 
 twenty-seven years old. Bogardus, that murder took place twenty- 
 seven years ago. 
 
 Bo&ardus- What do you mean ? 
 
 Bamaby- See here. Showing paper. 
 
 Bogardus- That murder is outlawed. Hurrah ! They dance 
 around the stage. 
 
 Smother- They have both gone crazy. . 
 
 Bamaby- Hurrah! I'm a man again. Off with these duds I'm 
 twice the man I was. Begins to take off woman's clothes. 
 
 Smother- She is crazy. Miss Duzenberry ! Consider your sex. 
 Withdraw into an inner apartment. Endeavors to hold Barnaby's 
 Hkiris on. Oirls retire to back of stage, laughing. In the struggle, 
 Barndby throws Smother down, throws skirt over his head. Bamaby 
 arises without woman's dress puts on his coat quickly. Bogardus takes 
 off false tchiskers, etc. 
 
39 
 
 Smother. Arising Where is Miss Duzenberry? Recognize* 
 Barnaby. 
 Barnaby. She has gone out for a walk. 
 
 Smother. That is the murderer. Seize him, ladies Barnaby 
 and Bogardus retreat to the girls. 
 
 Bogardus. We surrender. 
 
 Barnaby. We surrender at discretion. 
 
 Mary. We take you, for your readiness to enlist, rather than 
 your clothes, shows that you are really men. 
 
 Smother. Where is Miss Duzenberry ? 
 
 Barnaby. Landlord, you have been laboring under a slight mis- 
 take. We are the murderers and the victims In fact, there have 
 been no murderers and no victims. Attracted by the fame of the 
 beauty and grace of these young ladies, we came here in assumed 
 characters that we might judge for ourselves, We find that the truth 
 was not half told us. 
 
 Fanny. Come, — you can at least lie. 
 
 Smother. Then, there ain't any Miss Duzenberry. 
 
 Barnaby. No, not much. Miss Duzenberry is no more. 
 
 Smother. I will resume my mourning. Pats on his coat. 
 
 Bogardus. There is nothing left ot her, but that skirt. 
 
 Smother- Gathering up clothes tenderly. She was a fine woman. 
 I shall never see her like again 
 
 Barnaby. Take her for all in all, you never will. 
 
 Smother. I wish I had her photograph to remember her by. 
 
 Bogardus. Cherish her memory and be true to it. 
 
 Smother. Tearfully. I loved her the moment I sot eyes on her. 
 
 Barnaby. Your sentiments do credit equally to your head and 
 to your heart, Mr. Smother. 
 
 Smother. If there was a stun in the cemetery, 'long side of 
 Sally, it would be a comfort. 
 
 Mary. Things are not what they seem, Mr. Smother. 
 
 Fanny. The world is full of illusions, Mr. Smother. 
 
 Barnaby- "What shadows we are aud what shadows we 
 pursue" 
 
 Smother. She was hansum as a picter. Lord, what an intellect 
 that woman had ! I shall never see such a rigger again. Enter IIoss- 
 larn. 
 
 Hossbarn. The Bronson mare is coming down the road at a 
 two-twenty-five clip, and the Henderson mare after her. 
 
 Smother. Is that so ? Excuse me ladies and gentlemen. 
 Exeunt Smother and Hossbarn hastily. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
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