•^j . c / / .. -" (^ ?^unti.iB a Suvtle. TuR. Hew well you acted the mad woman— yes it is— no it isn't — ha! ha! . , . , i i u i '»! Mrs T. Hal ha! ha !— its a cnpital joke— ha! ha! m Lev. [.dcancing between ihenu] Ha! ha!-a capital joke- ^ ha! ha! Act I, -Scene 1. g^ut'ncr*s Bramntfc Utiitavi). HUNTING A TURTLE f^n ©ifflfnal i^atce, IN ONE ACT* BY CHARLES SELBY, Comedian : Attlho'^ of Catching an Heiress; Frank Fox Fhipps, Eiq. Domestic Arrangements; The Unfinished Gentleman; Married Rake ; Captain Stevens, ^., S^c» PRINTED FMOM THE BEST ACTING COPV, WITH REM^ItKS BIOGIiAPHICAI. AND CRITICAL, to which are added A (Icscriptrioii of the Costume, Cast of the Cliaracterrf, Exits and , Eniiaiices, and the whole of the Stage Business, Properiies, and Directions: AS NOW PEUFOI'.BIED IN THE LONDON AND AMERICAN THEATRES. dnbellislicd witli a fine Wood Engraving) From a Drawing taken in the Theatre. FREDERICK TURNER, PUBLISHER: TURNER & FISHER, 11 NORTH SIXTH STREET j C.NEAL, 16 SOUTH SEVENTH ST. TURNER & FISHER, 90 DIVISION STREET. W 0ppern, or t'tother mopperioppepun hard word, but I'll bet you a shilling I'll eircitnment you at any thing you pleases. ,, SmaU Done— keep >our eyes open, young Simon, 1 U as- tonish your feeble intellects. ISow to business. lGwrngcard\ Give that to your master, and let me V.iiow if he's at home to i ». Dan. (Ueacling card) 1 he— what 1 the Hornbull Mr. Levy's son— eh ? What a rum name, Hornbull! ^ Smat. No. no, you aje iu e.ror. I be Honorable Mr-J-evi- «m,itli€ name is short, you knoi».— [Spe/iJ?i^— H-=o n-o to-l-e. Dun. Oh. the honorable is short, is it— 1 dare say now that's uery often the case with lots of honorables- Are j^oM tiiis chap's man 1 &»wt. <'^o»«-«W/v) No, rtnhisgentlemaTi. Dan. ( Taking off' his fiac with mock politenMs) Oh, 1 axes pardon, excuse my wulgarity. 1 sees you is a gentleman, you dont look like a man. Smat. Kb? [Angrily] Come, come, Mr. Cauliflower, you ikUNttNG A TURTLE. » are getting impertinent, be respectful, or I must teach you civility. [Turning up the Cuff's of his coat. Dan. Must you? that's your sort, I wants a little laming. Why don't you begin, Mr* Parsley and Butter? [Squaring] Vm quite ready. [5^Hart/ig] Do now, I should like to whdp~A gentleman. [Squaring] Do teach me civility, Mr. Sop in Ihe Pan, I is so wery sarcy. [Squaring. Smat, (^Retreating) No, no, you are in error — I beg leave to decline. {Aside) Rustic savage, he'd murder me! Don't be so violent, I was only joking j besides, the weather is too Warm for pugilistic encounters, don't he so horribly pugnacious, Dan. Pugnacious! come, 1 say, just look here now, Mr. Thingume, don't you come for to go to call names, or I'll teach you civility. (Squaring) I'm not a pug)iacious, or z.ny other nacious, so be respectable or mind your eye. [Squaring. Smat. No, no, you are in error. (Aside) Rural butcher. Allay your passion, young.Strephon, I did not mean to offend, pugnacious is a French word derived from pugnose-o, a verb active, signfying Dan. I doesn't care what it signifies, I won't have it, so I tells ye. I'll take master the card, but afore 1 goes, young clothes brusher, jast let me give you a bit of adwise, free gratis for nothing Don't you try any of your l.unnun trjcks on me, or I'll try if I can't knock out a few of your teeth, flatten your nose, and spile the beauty of your complexion, so look, Mistar Lnnnun particklar, lake care I don't make you a pugnacious! [Exit into House, knocks at l, door in ihePas- sage, enters, and is seen ivithin as in conversation with his master Smat. Make me a pugnacious unlettered savage, he's as strong as a horse, and as vicious as an uncontrollable bull ; he'd think no more of killing, (and, I believe, eating) me, than he would of discussing his breakfast — 1 must keep out of his reach. I wonder wnat can have induced master to leave — what on earth is the cause of his migration into the couotry at this du'l time of tiie year { Some peiticoaiical de- lusion, 1 should imagioe, nothing else could have seduced him from the habitable world to this North Pole region. Enter Timothy Dandelion, /rum House. Dan^ Master will come to you directly. Remember, yoang Lunnun, we've got a shilling a'twuxt us, who can queer and gammoa the best. Look out, won't you learn me civility ekl (^Hitting out) Ha, ha, ha! go your hardest I'll circum- 10 HUNTING A U'lTLE. went you, IVIr. Lunnun particlar. {Taking up watering pat, &{C I'll show you some Clieaire cheesiait soppeiij — I'll inopperlap' pepuit luiitiste you, thougli you does call nie a pugnacious! Smat. That fellow's fate is inevitable, he'll be sent abroad at the expense of his country. Oh! the native potentate, the signeur de village, is coming, I'Ji impress him with an idea of my consequence. ^ Enter Mr. Tl'ktlt, from Apartment, &, with a card in h's Hand. Tar. You are Mr. Levison's servant, I believe 1 Sinat. Yes sir. Tur, Where is your master ? bmat. At the inn, in the village; he despatched me to learn if you were at home and would receive him, Tur. Is his lady with him 1 Smat, No, sir ; which lady do you mean, sir 1 we have so many. [Lavghing affectedly, Tur. (Stenilij) I mean his wife, sir, i\Jrs. Levison. Smat. Mis wife, sii! [Smol}ieriiig a lavgh. Tur. Ills wife. Does my question astonish you 1 Smat. Oh, no, sir, lam too well bred a man to be astonish- ed at anything ; but I was not awaie that my master had a wife. Tur. Indeed! (Aside) Very strange! How long have ou been in his service? Smat. I accepted office on the third of INJay last, I Tur. {Severely) Sir] Smut. I beg pardon, sir — I mean I entered his service in May last, at Taris, about six weeks ago. Tur, Take my compliments to your master, I shall be happy to see him, Smat. Yes, sir — {^Going l) Had I known he was a married man, I would not have consented to superintend him. '^^W?. is a i-1iHMn-1 false world! [Eiit through the GaieJ'ff Tur. This visit bodes me no good. Of all my bacheldr' ' friends Levison is the most to be dreaded. No doubt h^ has heard of my marriage, and has come down to see my wife — I'm sure of it, he has impudence enough for anything. 1 must keep Erai'y out of the way until I can get rid of him. {Culling) John ! hli*^ri'NG A Tl'RlLE. 11 Etijer J(*fH*-from House, ix ' \ ^ .Where is your mislress K^^"'^' Or\^.,j[W«T, In the oiciianl, sik, practising for the archery meeting. Tiir. Request lier to come to me immedintely. ■\^- Jjilui. Yes, sir. [ E,xf It agreeable to him on purpose to punish you. Is he young 1 Tur. {lUefnlli,) Yes. Mrs. r. Cliarmin^, agreeable 1 j„^^ Yts- curse him, a great deal too much so. Mis'. T. Is he tall and handsome J Mrs. 7 Tur, Yes. Mrs. T. In the army 1 ifrs.T.D^el'ig^^tfu^'- Wears whiskers and mustache, of course t 7H'r.\e.s-^unfortunately,yes. Mrs r. Dear cieature ! What's his namel -r u;c name' whv. \i's— (Pulling curd into his pockets, J::''u Mn^T^p^lt up uL readmit. A.de) I'm afraid foTell her (^^--0 His name's Brown-Captain Brown, ^°^r nX'^^^^-'^roh. yes I have though. BrovJn is ml rely a fravelUng name, his real one is the Hon- '"'l^r^l^^^stoni.heH) Ehl iA.ide)^ How the devil couU Jhi knowf ; Yes, yes,^ou a.e right, it is Mr. Levison — do vou know him ^ . r •„„ Mil T Oh, yes. he's an old sweetheart of mine. T,.'-' inrlpp.l' (Aside) Pleasant upon my lite. Mr. I I have known him a long\vhile, we used to dance together, at all the balls, "r.r Oh indeeai OlsWO The devil! ^;;- T \ eT-land Jo jou know at one fme I thought he "^?-,frtu;e:"''Ha".t' ';;:• (^»M Da.„ed pleasant! though 1 were a petted child, ^ut are cruel e ^ , F^^^^, me from winning the prize at ^^'•^ ^^^^^'J "J^ sweetheart; because y.u don't like me to be seen by ^^ J f^^^^^ ^, ] it's very un.iad of you.^--'^/--^^f;-;;;,^^^ 1^ oTn't look Spartan fortitude ! HUNTING A Tt'htir. 13 Ti'.r. Dearest. EtTiily, 1 see you are laus'liing at me; excess of artection makes me inistrusttul, I coiitess I am jealous o( every one, but most particularly of tliis confounded Levison; altliougli he is married now, still I'm afraid of hini. Oblige me by remaining in your apartment till he goes— do, Lmily, and set my heart as rest. Mrs. T. No, you have raised my curiosity, and I am deter- mined to see this dangerous character — no expostulation, 1 will, there, sir — I say 1 will. Ttir. (Aiigrilg) Mrs. Turtle! Mrs. T. {FUppantly) ISlr. 1 urtle, I wilt if you will let me. Dear Charles, forgive me, I do but jest— 1 never saw or heard of Mr. Levison in my life. Tur. Indeed! how 'hen did you become acquainted with his name 1 Mrs. T. By this card, which I saw you drop. (Laughing) Don't be jealous any more ; let me see your formidable friend, and trust to my ingenuity to send him uway. Tur. What do you mean to do ! Mrs. T. To frighten him out of the place, and make him forswear flirting tor the rest of his life. Tar. Well, 1 will trust you, but be cautious, remember raj happiness is at stake. Mrs. T. Fear nothing, leave all to me. Do you receive him while I arrange my plan of attack; don't be astonished at anything 1 may say or do, but be ready to take a hint and assist me. I'll make him an example for the benefit of rakes in general. {Exit in House, through window, r. Tur. Madcap! what does she intend to do ? no matter, I know I can trust her. Lev. ( Without at gate, l) Discharge the chaise, and bring over my portmanteau. Tur. Bring over his portmanteau! Confound him, he cal- culates on making a stay ! Lev. (Without) Take care of the guns and fishing rods. Enter Levison, l. -► My dear Turtle, how d'ye do \ surprised to see me no doubt, — sly dog, got married, and thought to j^ive us all the go by— eh? Made a bet I'd ferret you out, and here 1 am — ha ha! How's your wife. Turtle ] ha, ha, ha! Tur. (Aside) 1 thought so. (Coldly) Mrs. Turtle is quite well, but 1 am 14 ULtNtin'G a turtle* Lev. I ktiow — you are cursedly annoyed at my visit. Don't look grave and sapient, you know my stupid rattling oft' liand manner ; we are old friends, and you ought to have a better opinion oi me than to suspect— lioiculous! Besides, I'm a bene-^ diet myself, and a fellow feeling you know, so make your mind easy, Jdon't care a tig wheiher you let me see your wife or not» Tur. Indeed! what the deuce, then, has brought you here? Let. What! do you suppose 1 came solely for the purpose of seeing Mrs. Turtle ? ha, ha, ha ! My dear boy, you are quite mit^taken, 1 never thought of her— no, no, I'm another man now— quite reformed, 1 assure you; my misforlunes, not your wife, have brought me here. Tur. Misfortunes! {Lduohiug) Pshaw! what misfortunes can you have met with I ridiculuus — ha, ha, ha! Lev. I'm in earnest — my misfortunes and losses have been various, in fact, too numerous to mention. In the first place I've got a wife Tur Do you call that a misfoiiune] Lev. You a married man and doubt it! 1 have /osf my iibetty, in the next place I betted on the wrong hoise and lost my money, next, 1 made love to a coquette and hit my time, had a quarrel in consequence with my hetter half who gave me no ouaiter. so 1 lo,t mv temper, and then I fought a duel, and nearly loit my life, then I lost what I was very soiry I ever found, I lost Tur. Whatl , , , ^ r , Lev. My ioj/c— she ran away; I lost her because she /oj/nd I was a hit man. 1 went to Faris to drive away care, hut it wouldn't do, even there I was lost, for everything had lost its fascination : the wine had lost its flavor, the amusements had lost their spirit, the women had lost their power of attraction, in shoit, I lost no time in returning to England, where IJound everything in confusion. My credMors found that 1 was over- head and°pais in debt, and, of course, soon found means to annoy me, so not knowing what else to do, thought I had bet- ter do them. 'Ihis morning I was J ou, id missing, I have, found my way to vour abode, where 1 hope to find food and shelter until I canji/^d tinieto arrange my aflfairs. [x ton. Tur. (Aside) I wish he had been lost altogether, or>und at the bottom of a river, 1 shall never get rid of him. 'ifour situation really distresses me. Levison, particularly as it is out of my power to be of service to you, we are all going to town to-morrow, iu fact, we were to have gone to day. BUNTING A TURTLE. 15 Lev. How unlucky I I calculated on spending a month with you at least. fur. Indeed! (Aside) I knovr it. (Altnd) 'Tis very un- fortunate. {^Aiide) W Emily doesn't frighten hina away I'm settled. Lev, Is Mrs Turtle at home ? Tar. No — oh, yes — no, I really don't know. Lev, No — yes — I don't know ! Come, come. Turtle, speak the trutli ; she is at home, but you are afraid to let me see her. 2'iir. Oh, no, no, no! I'm not certain whether she is pre- pared to receive company. Lev. Oh, she won't mind me, I'm an old friend you know; ■don't stand upon ceremony, my dear boy, I never do. Tiir. (Aside) No, confound you, 1 know it, you are the most free and easy fellow I ever met with. (^Alond) I'll let tier knovr you are here. (Going c) I'm afraid he's a fixture. [Exil,c. Lev. (Laughing) Ha, ha! he believes every word of my story —ha, ha ! I shall see his wife — I wonder what sort of a creature she is, a perfect rustic Venus I dare say. I've ma- naged capitally, how they will laugh at the adventure when! return to London, I'll make myself particularly agreeable, I'll be irresistably fascinating. Enter Mas. Turtle, disguised as a Chambermaid, r. window, Mrs. T, (Aside) There he is — now for my scheme. H«m ' sir! m^ Lev. (Turning) Eh? a woman — (Aside) a pretty %e oq. How d'ye do my dearl Mrs. T. Pretty well, I thank you, sir— how are yon? yo« are the Honorable Mr, Lerison ; ay'nt you \ Lev, I am — do you know me \ Mrs. T. No, no, 1 don't know you— but I know fomebody that does. Z/cu. Indeed! who is it? Mr*. T. A young woman. ZjCv. a young woman, indeed ! Mrs. T. Yes. Oh, what an insiaerating man you must be, Leo Jn.sinevdting — what do you mean ? Mrs. T. Why, that you are captivating— faTcmafm^—. the young woman that I allude to is dying in love for you. Lev. Is she indeed ? Mrs, T, \ es, and shegces on so about you,s5ays svrh t'liv^^ 16 HUNTING A TURTLK. and calls you such dear names — lor, to listen to her, one would think you were quite au imcommou man ; but 1 can't say you are over and above humlsome or well made either. Lev. 'I'hank you, (Aside) Flattering, upon my life. But tell me, who is the lady I have been so fortunate as to make an impression upon. Mrs. T. Betty, our cook. hev. Your cook ? Mrs. 7. Yes — oh, you wicked man— Betty Iliofgins. Lev. Betty Higgins ! who tiie devil is Betty Higgins? Mrs. T. What, do you pretend not to know her? Oh, you ipocrit — isn't she your wife I Lev. My wife! Mrs. T, Yes, you rattlesnake, your poor deceived, deserted wife — didn't you marry her in St^phney Church ? Lev. Nonsense ! are you mad ? Mrs. T, No, sir, I'm quite j»sa?ie — I've seen the cirtificate you seaserpent. ■/■ Lev. What the ^gUl are you talking about ? you mistake me for some other blackguard — 1 know no such person as Betty lliiigins. Mrs. T. 1 thought you would say so, but I don't believe you. She sent me" to tell you that she is determined to make you own her, and tliat if you don t consent to see her imme- diately, she'll send for a constable and have you taken up. Lev. 'J he devil she will ! Mrs. T. Yes ; so 1 advise you as a friend, if you don't wish to be hanged or transported, to make your escape and get out of tl^e country as fast as you can, JS'ow, go, sir- pray do. [Trying to pu!>h him out at Gate, Lev. Psha! I have nothing to fear j let her do her worst, I know nothing about her. Mrs. T. Very well, you'll repent your obstinacy. Good l^ye, I leave you to your unliappy fate, you'll be sure to be seDt to the Demon's Land, or else to the Gt>o)>e River. [Exit, Lev. 4MKttSk odd ! Am 1 mistaken for someone else — oi- ls it a trick to get rid of me ? Ma, ha, ha ! it is a trick — I'm sure of it. I'll outwit you, Mr. Turtle, 1 will see your wife, in 4pite of all your plots and contrivances. Enter Smattek, with Portmanteau, through gate, z. Stmt, I've discharged the chaise, sir, and brought the port* mtateau. HUNTING A TURTLE. 17 I,ev. Very well. Now, Smatter, I want you to second me to counteract a plot which is formed against me — lake the portmanteau bark to the inn, dress yourself in my uniform, load my pistols — with powder only — and return here imme- diately, (^i'.ll yourself Captain Smith: I'll give you further directions when you arrive. Away! Smut. Yes, sir. (Asids — Going) If he doesn't tip hand- somely, I'll nogociate a cioss, and throw him over. [Exit, l. Lev. With such an accomplished assistant as my rascal Smatter, a little tact, and a considerable quantity of impu- dence, I'll out manoeuvre all the husbands in Europe. Tur. (IViihoul) But I say, I will ! Mis. T. (wiihoul) But i say you shall not, sir — do it, at your peril! Lev. A quarrel! what's in the wind now, I wonder? Mh. TuKTLi: enters from c, in great agitation. Tur. My dear fellow, 1 am in great distress ! I don't know how to break it to you, but— AJrs. Turtle-^my wife- Mrs. Turtle does not wish to see you. I am very sorry — we have had a dreadful quarrel on the subject. She is in an awful rage — scolding, breaking the furniture, and playing the very devil! Mow, my dear boy, don't for a moment suppose I wish to get rid of you — far from it, I assure you — but for the sake of my peace and quiet, pray return to the inn. Lev. If you particularly wish it, I will, (.going i.. u. re» turns) But really, lurtle, your wife's conduct is veryslrange. The world imagines her to be an amiable, good-tempered, mild and gentle creature. Tur. Oil, she's quite the reverse, I assure you. Between ourselves, she's a perfect devil— dreadful temper, scold, scold, scold from morning until night; and then she's very apt, when her temper gets the better of her (and that is, I'm sorry to say, two or three times a day), to— doubling his fist, and making action of hiiling) 1 assure you it's a melancholy fact. Lev. Ha, ha! what a happy man you must be! No won- der you keep her shut up in the country. Your description has enchanted me — slie must be a curiosity! I must see her — l^am very fond of vixens. 'J ur. (aside) The devil! nothing can frighten him ! No, no, no, Levison — for my sake, pray go. You don't know what you expose me to. Lev. 1 do — a good thrashing j but never mind— >you are 8 HUNTING A TURTLE. used to it. I'll take no excuse. Let me see her, or I'll ia~ troduce myself. [Going up to house. ; Tur. (detuinhig him) No, no, I request Lev. {tricing to get away.) Ves, yes, 1 insist Mrs. T. {uilhi ut — in a sharp angry tone) Mr. Tunle! Tur. There she is — go away, or i shall be murdered ! Mn. T. {without) What is the meaning of that disturb ance, sit ? isn't that fellow gone? Lev, Fellow ! she can't mean me t Entei' Mrs. Tirtlf, from c. in an eccentric morning rii-apper — hir head covered with curl papers, and a night-cap, with very bnad borders. Mrs. T. Very pietly, upon my word'' (half aside to Turtle, in a tone of subdue'^, rage) How dare you disobey me 1 Did I not tell you I would not see that mani Tur. (r H pretending alarm) Yes, my love, but- Mrs. T. {half aside as before) Hold your tongue, sir { (^shaking hiir.) How dare you answer me? Lev. (aside) What an amiable creature! Mrs. T. (crossing to Levison — with a bland smile, and ovre- strained politeness) Sir . Lev, (bowing) Madam- Mrs, T. Do you perceive that gate? Lev. (bowing) Yes, madam. Mrs. T. It is open, I believe ? Lev, Yes, madam. Mrs. T. Will you oblige me by Lev. Shutting'it— certainly, madam, (going.) . Mrs. T. No, Bir ; by going outby it— by taking- your leave. Lev. Madam / (aside) Particularly cool, I must say Tur, But, my dear Mrs, T. If you dare to say another word,|ril (Dcnbling her fist— Turtle shrinks away, To Levison) Will you go, g\j. ? [ Mildly pointing to gate. Lev, Madam, I am rery sorry that Mrs, T. (in an agitated tone.) Will yo go, sir? Lev. Really, madam, I Mrs. T. (getting angry) Will you go, sir? Lev. Yes, madam, but Mrs. T. Sir, I wish to be calm and behave like a lady. Don't irritate me! don't put me in a passion, and oblige me toturnvcuo-'! Dsn't -^^on't-^^o'i'l! 1 : ru caln), no%v— fjulte ca!n:— bu! my \rco\ h beginning to boi.! lur. i urtle! HUNTING A TURTir. 10 {in a loud lii^^h tone.) ^V^y do you stand there, like a fool, you unfeeling monster — why don't you make hini go Lev. (aside) I am in a pleasant situation here! Tin: (mildly.) I'm in a dasMMEble situation! Now, go, Levison, there's a good fellow. Mrs. T. (hi a violent rage) Good fellow ! Is that the way you speak to people 1 don't like {Pushing Turtle hack again to n ii.) Oh, you villain'? 1 can't bear it any longer! I'm in a passion now, and don't care for anybody, or any- tliing! rii raise the neigiibourhood — I'll set fire to tlie house — I'll kill myself^ril kill you — I'll — (Turning to Levison — staits uildlii.) Ah! can it be 1 do my eyes deceive me! Yes, it is — no, it isn't— let me look again — it is, it is! Oh! oh ! oh! [Fainti in Turtle's arms — twists and turns about. Lev. ^Yli 1 1 J,^iniiiiiin illii she mean by it ii, and it isii't — Oh! oh! ohl' Tur. Go away ! Emily dear, don't tumble about so, or 1 shall let you fall, Mrs. f. (pretending to revive) "Where am I ? Ah\ he here! Go away — go away! don't let him look at me — oh! [Turning her head awaij, ihahing her hands in terror, throwing curl papers at him, and taking the Stage to r h. Lev. What is the matterl What does she mean by [Imitating her action, Tur. Nothing — go away, pray do. The fact is, she's de- ranged — I didn't like to mention it before. Whenever sh« gels in a passion she's mad — quite mad ! Mrs. T. Where is he? (crossing to c.) let me look upon his face ? (beckons to Levison to approach — he hesitates alarmed — she seizes him) Ah ! 1 know you, though you have dyed your whiskers and wear a wig ! Full well do 1 remember that unmeaning smile— that idiotic grin. Listen to me, Mr. Timkins. Ah ha ! you see I do know you ! Lev. Timkins! Mrs. T. Aye. Timkins — remember, Paris, Timkins— (7wt/«- teriously.) — and let despair gnaw your flesh, icicle your bloo^J, and ossify your heart ; think of that night — the thirty-second of November — that dark, dismal, dreary, dreadful, damned, and direful night, when the wind whistled, and the rain, rained, and the thunder thundered, and the lightning light- ened, as if the fearful fiends in frenzied fiery fury, were kick- ing up the Old Gentleman's delightr—did you not__? — Come com e— you know you did ! Lev, Wi^at] 20 HUNTING ± TUniLE. Mrs, T, What! do you mean to say you did not? Lev, No, 1 never did. Mrs. T. Oh, I inikins, Timkins, I'm ashamed of you ! Hark — »some one is playing the fiddle! Lev. Fiddle de de ! M's. How it squeaks! it tunes my heart to murder! look look, look — there, there, there! {Pushing Levi^on abimt and turniiig him fioin i,ide to side.) Do you not see him there 1 There! he points at you ' he Jrowns and calls for vengeance! Timkins, 1 must kill you — wait here a moment while I go for my scissors!! [Exit into house. Lev. Poor creature ! quite lost! Tut Quite. ISow go, my good fellow, or she'll return and Mrs. T. (without) I've got them! • Lev. Then I m off — good bye I [Buns off through gate. Tur. (laughing violently.) Ua.,hn,hdil capital ! ha, ha, ha ! Enter Mrs. Tijrtle, with a large pair of' Shears, Mrs. T. Now, villain is he gone ? 7'ur. Yes— he couldn't stand the scissors ! Ha, ha! yon did it famcfusly ! Mrs. T. Yes, I flatter myself I did ! Tur, Thank heaven, we've got rid of him ! Enter Levison at the gate. Lev. (aside) I'm afraid I've been hoaxed. Tur. Now we'll go to the aicheiy meeting. How well you acted the mad woman — yes, it is - -no, it isn't — ha, ha, ha J Mrs. T. Ha, ha, ha! it's a capital joke! ha, ha ! Lev. ( Advancing hetween them) Hdi, ha, hdil a eapital joke! ha, ha, ha ! Mrs. T. (Running cff, confused.) Oh dear ! [Mr. Turtle walks up and down in a rage — Levison laughs. Lev. I say, luitle— yes, it is —no, it isn't— ha, ha, ha, ha! It won't do, luitle— I'm too old to be deceived by so shallow an artifice. You want to get rid of me, but you s/ia«'t / I'll Stay, if it be only to plague you. Don't pretend to get in a passion — it is of no use — stay I will ! Tur. Mr. Levison, you presume on our former friendship. I do not wish to quarrel witli you, but if you persist in remain- ing here, and intruding on my domestic privacy, I must resort to wious measwies^ V J HTJNTIXG A TURTLK. 21 Lev, You may resort to whatever measures you please— S4ripus or comic. 1 am ready tor anything. Tur. 'I'his is beyond beuiing. Vou shall meet me, sir, to-morrow morning. ■• Lev. with the greatest pleasure, sir. In the mean time, have the kindness to order your people to prepare some lun- cheon — tiavelling has given me an apr^etite. Tiir. (/« a viol nt rage) Mr. Levison, do not compel me to use violence. Oblige me, by leaving my grounds. Lev. I would oblige you, my dtar fellow, but you see Tur, Very well, sir ; then I know what I must do. Eiit 1st E n H. Lev, Ha, ha, ha? Poor Turtle! what a rage he is in — he looks like a wid IndJan. Ha, ha, ha ! too bad to carry the joke so far. Never mind, I'll make an apology. I am deterniined not to go, until I have seen his wife in propria personae. I dei'y anybody to slir me 'till then. Timothy enters r- catcldug him in Ids arms, and carries him -l. Dan. Do you, indeed ? you are mistaken, my master, Its -of no use y^ur kicking — out you goes I (Puts him out, l. and locks ihe Gale.) Ha, ha, ha! that's an out and out move. Lev. ( Without.) ilollo? open the gate, you rascal! Dan. 1 ihould think not. Jie off, or I'll let the dog loose. Enter Mr. Turtli;, r. n. I've done it, sir — I pitched him out like a sack of wheat. Tur. Very well, I'im — there's half a crown for you. Dan. Thankye, sir — I'd put him up the chimney for another half crown. Tur. Be on the watch, and give me notice if he should return. Dan. Yes, sir; if he does, I'll duck him in the horse pond, Tur. No, no r come tome — I'll tell you what to do ; though I don't think he'll trouble us again. (^Eiit into house, Dan. Don't be loo sure o'that — he'll have another try, de- pend upon it; and when he does, if master don't whop him I knows the chap wot will, and that's Timothy Dandelion, — And then there's youn^ Lunnun pertickler, his seivant — the chap as wanted to learn me manners — won't I whop him, if I gets a chnnce. ( Bell ringnu-ilhoat. at Cute.) Ah, there's some- body at the gate — perhaps tlj^e Uombull gentlenia.n hsis coj»e back again. Who's there ] " 22 HtrsTlJCG A TURTLE. Srnat. (Without, as Captain Smiih.) Open the gate, and be damned to you ! Daii. I shan't till I knows who you are; so tell us your name, and what you wants, or you may kick your heels out- side till the begining of next week. Smut. {Without.) My name's Smith — Captain Smith. I wish to see your master on particular business: Dan. Oh, if you'ie a captain, and wants to see master on business, I suppose I must admit you. {Opens Gate.) Walk in, captain Enter Smatteh, disguised us Captain Smith, a military fop. Smat. How dare you detain me so long at your gate, fellow 1 Really, upon my honour, I'll complain to your master — I will, upon my honor ! {Asperating the letter h.) Da7i. {Aside, ( Here's a conceited swell! Yes, sir — thank you, sir. (Touching his hai.) Smat. I shall insist on his discharging you — I shall really upon my honor ! Dan. Yes, sir — thank you, sir. Is there anything else yo\x would like to do, sirl Smat. No, sir— tell you master I am here. Dan. Yes, sir. {Going — turns round and loolui at Smatter from head to foot. ' . Smat. What are you staring at, fellow 1 Dan. Why I be a taking a sight at you. You looks just as if you comed out of a bandbox. Smat. VVhaf? Dan. I axes pardon, sir— you is such a patent polished gen- tleman— yoM is *♦ really, upon my honor !" {Imitating.) Smat. You are an impertinent rascal, sir — abscond, or T shall be obliged to knock you down— {Turning up the sleeves of his coat.) —1 shall, really, upon my honor \ Dan. {Observing his action.) Eh! (Looking at smatter — Aside.) I'm dashed if it is'nt young pugnacious ! Won't I pep- perhiml {Aland.) Knock me down ! no, captain you wouldn't do that, I'm sure— you wouldn't take the advantage of mj weakness. If you were to hit me, I should never get up again you looks so werry strong and hard fisted. {Pretending to be alarmed.) Smat. Well, well, be civil. Don't tremble young man- I won't hurt you, upon my hoiw^ ! {Taking the stage conceitedlx) to R. — As. he passes, Timothy shakes kii-fist ufhim.) Dan. 'Jifi?nk ye, sir— you are vvery kind. You'll excuse me, captain, but I guesses what you wants here. MUNTiNC A TUntLE. 23 Smtit. Indeed ! really, upon my honor- Dan. Yes — you comes from the Hornbull Mr. Levy's son. Smat. (Aside,) The deuce ! how could he know that? — (^Aloiid.) Yes, yes— you are right, young man, 1 do. He has sent^me to demand satisfaction of your master for his conduct this morning. We mean to shoot him. Dan. Indeed! " Keally, upon my honor I" (^Imitating.) Now 1 tell you what it is. Captain Bandbox, my master is a gentleman, and the Hornbull Mr. Levy's son is'nt— no more is his spooney servant chap — so 1 tells you once for all we isn't going to stand no nonsense. So Mr. Captain I'd advise you to take a hint and march — I would "really npon m the myttor? (After business) What is them- ^^thy ? what i« the meaning of all this 1 explain,''' liliin.. Dan. Why 1 were giving - • t>-— 1 were whop- ping the Hornbull Mr. I goDUemaii a bit. He corned here dressed ur ' <^aH you /lout^so I sarved him out, that's ul, sii. Tur, So, so ; Le- :^on intends £^ '» pe out, does he 1 Well, I suppose I must meet h.im, Thej'. Timothy, is another half crown for you : be oa the alert— '-"^ ^"^y be wanted again. Lev. (IVi' ' — "«,7jj ./i' ^^ -top ■"'>— take care — 24 HUNTING A TLRTLK. take care -you'll be over. Tur, What's lliat ? Oo, Timothy, and see. Exit Timoth\],at Gale. Tur. 'Twas a hazardous schenie , yet if I have forced Levison to return to London, I feel convinced the affair will soon blow over. Enter Timothy, af Gate, Well, Timothy. Dan, Oh, sir, such a lark — I mean such an /jaccident. A post chaise upset, and an old gentleman has gotten his neck broke. Tur, Indeed! dreadful! ^:^«««».l.^-^ Bun, Yes, sir; the post boy T)e bringing himTiCte. Tar. Go, I imothy — yo, aud assist him. (/u/f, Tinvthy — Looking i)Jf ) V\ hat a misiorlune ' he seems very much hurt, Timothy a/iti Post B'JY enter, supporting hh.v inoti, disgttiied us an Old Man. Get a chair, and call your mistress. [Timothi^ goes into r, room, returns uith a chair, in uhich he places Mr. Levison. Dan. Poor old chap, he's done for! regularly booked! [Exit, into house, Tur, How do you feel now, sir "? Ler. Very faint, very ill — oh, Pm a dead man! oh ! broken all to pieces. Oh, tliat' confounded postboy — oh! would gallop — oh!-— upset chaise — oh! knew he would— oh! killed me, the rascal! oh, oh, oh! scud for the doctor — oh, oh! Ppitbojj. I'll go, sir. lExit, l. En*cr Mrs Tvutlb and Tiuotuy from house. Mrs. T. (-R c) What a distressing accident I let me assist him. Poor old ^.-ntleman — he seems very much hurt. Lev. (c) Oh, lijyback! oh, my— oh, oh, oh! [Kicks about Mrs. T. Have yl,! sent for a surgeon ? Tur. (c) Yes, th. post boy is gone for one. Mrs, T. Poor telltw, what can we do for him? He is reviving— how are yoriT.ov/, sir? Lev. (Taking her ha.,i) Better— much better. (Kissing her hand — she uithdraws •,) i ijgg your pardon, madam — a paroxyra of pain. 1 beg pardon— the circumstances that caused my intrusion will,! rust, plead my excuse. May I ask to whom I am indebtt-d ^rso much kisidnessl' JtJ/vs T. My name is 'lur»;i; HUNTING A TURTLE. 55 % Let\ (Aside) "Real turtle, I'll be sworn! (Aside) Tin tie! Turtle! 1 think 1 have heard the name — you are married, aie you not ? your husband is a little old man. Tur. Eh] little old man ! Mrs. T. Oh no — he's tall, and about my own age. Lev. 1 beg- pardon, I mistake, then. J\ow I remember — I ani wrong — the Mrs. I'urtle i mean is a very ugly woman; you are quite the reverse, 7'iH'. VVhere do you leel most pain, sir? Lev. All over me, sir —from head to foot — oh! oh! ( RB' collecting hinisclf ) iMi. iMock Turtle, I presume ? Tur, :Mock I'urtle ! no, sir, I'urtle. Lev. \ beg pardon — I can never be sufficiently grateful to ou sir. Oh ! oh ! Enter Posteot. Postboy, Here be doctor, sir ■? [Exit. Enter Smattbr, disguised as a Doctor, in an eccentric coat and green speclacles — he udvaiices, bans formally to Mr, and Mm. Turtle, then to Timothy. Dan. (r) I wonder who this here be — it beant Doctor Pill or Doctor Jones. Tur. Doctor, that gentleman lias been overturned in a post chaise, and appears to be reiy much hurt — will you have the kindness to see if anything serious has befallen him ] Smut. Certainly, sir. (Crossing to Lev. taking up his arm and feeling it all over) Contusion of the foreheadical artery close to the m.iddle temple; the os fronto — (Feeling his neck) the OS necko dislocated, and — [Feeling legs] ditto, ditto, both the osses legs O. [Crosses to corner, l. Tur. [Aside] Osses legs 0! he's a farrier or a cow doctor. Lev. I'm a de^d man — oh ! Smut. The gentleman mustn't be moved for sixteen weeks at least, exertion v/ill be fatal to him. Tur, Indeed— how unfortunate ! Is he really so bad? Smat. I assure you, sir, on the reputation of a respectable practitioner, that his life is in danger — very great danger. If he's moved or shuk about I will not answer for him — look how he suffers. Lev. Oh, oh! [Kicking about displaces the handkerchiefs which is round his neck — Drops his hat and moves- his wig—* Mrs, T, sees his face. / r $6 HUNTIXG A TVETLT* J»/>s. T. Ah, 'tis Mr. Levison ! So, so— I'll foil him yet. Timothy ? [67)^ gae& up uith Timothy, appears to give him iiiitruclicns, and seihU him off, l. Let. [Faintlii] Doctor"? Smut. Sir. Lev. Do you think, doctor, there is any hope? Shall I ever recover 1 Smut. Ifem — ah 5 why tha' depends upon your treatment ; if you are not shiik and are kept very quiet ycu will mend, but if ycu are removed, mortification vvili take place and you wil! die! Lev. uh, oh! dreadful! ]\Ir.Turtle — IMrs.Turtle — Madam — Sir, ycu hear the doctor's opinioii. W ill you save my life by allowing me to remain your guest a short time? 1 am the last man in the world to intiude, but my wounds are danger- ous. Will ycu take pity on me? Tin: Really, sir, 1 Mis. T. [Aside to Aim] Consent — consent, it's Mr. Levison — ft trick! Tur. ■[ Astonished'] Eh! Mrs. T. Hush! [They retire a pace or tuo back and whisper. Lev. [Aside] Ihey are consulting. I shall carry ray point, they'll ask me to stay : they don't suspect — ha, ha! Tur. [Aside] I'll strangle him. Mrs. T. [Aside — r] No, no, consent — we'll punish him yet. Lev, You don't answer, my good friend j don't stand upon ceremony with me, I beg. Mrs.T. [.4side] We don't intend. Lev. Put me where you please. Mrs. T. [Aside] Into the horsepond. Lev. Do with me as you think proper. Mrs. T. [Aside] Give y(^ a good thrashing, and less you in a blanket. Lev. Only allow Bueto remain inyour house— am I to stay? Tur. Oh, ceitainly — certainly, make yourself at home. Mrs. T. We'll take great care of you, we'll make you so comfoitable. [Goivg vp uith Tvr, Lev. 'I hanks, thanks— a thousand thanks! [Aside] It's all right, I'm settled — established in the house — ha, ha, ha ! How they'll be, how 1 shall laugh at them !— ha, ha, ha ! I'll give them another groan — Oh, oh— [Aloud] I'm getting worse the air is cold. Doctor don't you thiuk 'twould be as well if I could be taken into the house ? HUNTING A TUSTLr,. 27 Srnat. Oh, certainly, certaialy, by all means. Will you et the gentlemun be taken in ? Tur. Oil, yes, we'll take you in. Here, John ! Enter Jo0N. Assist me to carry this gentleman into the house. [They take vp the chair, with Lev. in it ; as they are turning about to enter the houide.) l -J iei iJ i rr Yi ! I'm in a pretty hobble. 28 HUNTING A TURTLE. Smnt. [Alarmed — Aside] Poor roaster! he'll be cut into mincemeat. Tur. Keep up your spirits, sir, 'twill soon be over. Mrs. T. Uon'i l)e alaimed, the doctor's very skilful, he won't hurt you much. Lev. [Aside] i.urtme much — unfeeling woman! What ^hal'ldo? )«/(. Hold him down in the chair — 1 II whip 'em off in a moment. [Florisliing pitinino hnife and suu] Do^'n with him I [John, Mr. and Mrs. T. take hold of Lev. Smut. No, no, no. [E.iposlu luting. Lev. Let me alone — let me go ! Mr. uiid Mrs T.*i)nu. and John. Sit down — sit down! Bequlet- be (luieirl [Bustle — John, Mr. uud Mrs. Tur. and Dun. force Leiison to sit doion in the chuir — Smulter, who endeavors to interpose, is knocked down bif Dan. — After a violent strvfyole lev. breul^s aivjij, and stt.rls vp. Lev. Hold — hold I you are mistaken ! I'm veiy much obliged to you. I'd rather be excused, 1 don't want to pajt with my legs— I'm not huit. [Throat (iff his di.-gnise. Mr. and Mrs. T. [I^ictei^diiig aslojii.-hueht] Mr. Levison ! Lev. Even so. I confess my defeat, apologize for my rude- ness, and lake my leave— [C/oa.s//;^ to v c] hoping when next we meet, you will have forgotten my impertment frolic, and will do me the honor to introduce me to Mrs. Tii/tle, as an f)/d und sincere f dead. [C'oing. Tur. Stay, Levison. Emily, I think we must forgive him —what Sviy you ? Mrs. T. VV hy, if he's very penitent, and will promise never to annoy married people again, I think we must lock over his peccadilloes, paiticularly as we have used rather vioiei.t reme- dies to effect a cure. Vou may put up your mstiuraents, doctor, unless you wi hto practice on the osses of your brother there. [Pointing to Smat. Dun. No, ma'am I've had enough of suigerying ; I'll stick to gardening— [Taking off' his disguise] unless he wants a lesson in civility. [Squaring. Smut. My pugnacious friend. No, no, really, upon my honor you are in erior. Mr$. '/'. Nevei mind, Timothy. Charles, shake hands with Mr. Levison, apologize for oi/r rudeness, and invite him to visit us in Londou ; his folly has caused us much amusement 'twould be ungrateful, therefore, to cut his acquaintance. MUNTJKO A TURT!K. [To t)te Audience"] And if you will condescend \o place oh faults and faiiiiigs in tlie same kind \v^\,i, we will redouble our efforts to anmse and welcome you. {The Curtain FulLs] DISPOSITION OF T-FIE CHAirAClFltS AT THE FALL OF THE CURTAIN. Smat. Tea. Mrs. T. tLxv. Tim. THE END t 014 529 414 9 ^'^X^