^ PRICE 25 CENTS ^ The Society Column BECKLEY- ORDY COMPANY Chicago J^- BOOKS AND HELPS FOR TEACHERS A specially selected list of books and helps which have become popular because of their practical value. There are few teachers indeed who have not been helped by one or more of these publications. We unhesitatingly recommend every one of the titles offered. DRAWING Ea3y Things to Draw — -Auffsburg: fO.45 SEAT WORK Primary Seat Work, Sense Traihirigr and Games — Smith $0.85 Primary Sewing and Color Cards — Cleaveland : No. 1, Animal Series; No. 2, Fairy-Tale Series; No. 3, Children-of-the- World Series. Each set 25 Straight- Line Sewing: Cards — Cleaveland ,2$ PENMANSHIP Muscular Movement Writing- Slips |0,is ARITH-METIC Moody Number Games — Moody. Series 1 $0.85 Moody Number Games — 'Moody. Series 2 8S Number Games for Primary Grades — Harris- Waldo 85 Number Stories — ^Deming .85 LANGUAGE, GRAMMAR AND COMPOSITION Games and Rhymes for Language Teaching in the First Four Grades — Deming $0.85 Language and Composition by Grades — Hammond ........... l.OO Language Games for All Grades — Deming — Book only ........ .80 With Cards t.20 One Hundred Stories for Reproduction— Grove 30 Primary Language Stories — Deming 50 MUSIC Best Primary Songs — Kellogg. $0.20 Merry Melodies — Hanson 20 New Common-School Song Book — Smith-Schuckai 70 Silvery Notes — Hanson .20 Songs We Like Best IS Weaver's New School Songs — ^Weaver 30 OPENING AND GENERAL EXERCISES Best Memory Gems — Sindelar $0.39 Morning Exercises for All the Year — Sindelar. 1.00 CLASS RECORDS Simplex Class Record — Cloth $0.50 Paper .35 S^implex Seat Plan (with Cards) .60 Illustrated Catalog' of Books mailed free upon request. BEGKLE Y-CABDY COMF ANY, Publishers, CHICAGO THE SOCIETY COLUMN BY STELLA T. PAYSON AUTHOR OF "the CHRISTMAS SPIRIT' im BECKLEY-CAEDY COMPANY CHICAGO COPYEIGHT, 1922, BY BECKLEY-CARDY COMPANY Printed in the United States of America ©CI.D 63152 DEC 26 '22 CHAEACTEES {Nine Young Men, Nine Young Ladies, and One Small Girl) Jeff Stewart . . . .• Editor Billy Williams. Assistant editor Jim Street Printer Sam Any young mam Si Doane Any young man Mr. Carpenter A merchant Grandpa Smalley Old, lame, irascible Mr. Barton A deaf old gentleman Ollie Hawkins Who doesn't say a word Aunt Jennie Green Bright and sharp Mamie Prince Just a girl Lucie Van Loan Just a girl Bess Just a girl Lulu Looker Just a girl *'The Bindle Girl" Just a girl Ann Jane Graves A small girl Miss Joyce BoesnH have a word to say Two Women. . . .Appear only once and coidd he imper- sonated if necessary hy two of the girls Place: Any Country Town Time : Noiu Time of Playing : Forty -five Minutes SYNOPSIS Two young men, Jeff and Bill, finding their paper, The Howler, unprofitable, decide to start a society col- umn. Jeff, the editor, is called away at the critical moment, leaving the arrangement of the column to the inexperienced Billy, who has been filled up with fake news by a bunch of mischievous friends. The issue of the paper causes endless trouble, which, however, is grad- ually straightened out and all ends happily. SCENERY AND PEOPERTIES The scenery required is very simple — an office, with a table, a lot of papers for pretended consultation, cal- endars and posters on the walls, several chairs, two entrances, one to the street and one to the rear office. In Scene II, a street scene, the people may come on at either side to Bill in the center of the stage, the two women who pass coming on at one side and going off at the other. In Scene III, where Bill has the stage alone and has a great deal to say, as he works at the table, he could have his speech lying among the papers and be really reading it. A good plan would be to pad the talk with local hits. THE SOCIETY COLUMN SCENE I Country Editor's office — door at rear, tahle, chairs, side entrance. Jeff at tahle with scissors and paste pot, cutting news out of papers, pasting on sheets of brown paper to make copy. Jeff. There, that '11 be my first page — a war — a wed- ding — a strike — a shipwreck — a funny story — a new prophet telling when the world will end — I ought to have a murder — [running over the papers about him, searching] a murder — a murder — oh here's a good, one! '^John, crazed by sorrow, murders Betty." Aw, John was an old dog and got mad at the cat for stealing his dinner and killed her. What fool stuff! A murder — a murder — oh, here 's one — yes, this will do. It was in Italy, but that 's all right, [Holding off page.] Yes, that '11 do the first page. Second page, editorial. Gosh, Bill and I '11 have to dope out something about Congress and the way Senator Smith h not getting us that drinking fountain — Oh, blame the blinkin' stuff! There ought to be something in this old burg to fill up on.— [Calls] Oh, Bill! Say, Bill! Bill [outside] . All right Jeff, coming. 5 6 THE SOCIETY COLUMN Enter Bill, from rear, in shirt sleeves, ^^ stick" in hand, sleeves rolled up, hair mussy, hands inky. Bill. Well, what next? How can I ever get this copy- set up, if you keep calling me off every once in so often ? Jeff, We Ve got to have something nifty on our last page. We can't get a living this way. Six subscribers stopped the paper last month. If we don't dope out something fetching, we '11 be in the soup, pronto. Bill. Well, I can't think of anything more. I got old man Moses to give us that ad about his new root beer and all the old ladies in the W. C. T. U. nearly skinned me alive about it, and said if we didn't leave it out, they 'd all stop their paper. Jeff. I see all these papers have what they call a ^'So- ciety Column/' telling all about folks by name, like this : [Picks up paper] ' ' Miss Mary Hicks is visiting her cousin. Miss Gwendolyn Perkins, over the week- end. Miss Hicks' many friends are glad to see her in Hillsboro again." And like this: *'The many friends of Mr. Percy Scuttle will be sorry to hear that, when returning from a merry gathering of the Amal- gamated Amateur Amblers, on Tuesday night, he had the misfortune to fall into his own coal cellar and, being unable to make himself heard, had to remain there until morning." Hard luck, Percy. Bill. Oh, toodle-oo Percy! Naughty, naughty! Jeff. Of course that 's rot, but all the same it takes, and we '11 just try it out. You put that stick away, put on your coat and hat and go out and find out what 's going on. Who has a visitor, who 's new in THE SOCIETY COLUMN 7 town, who 's going to be married, who has been away — Bill. Aw, come off. I can't go asking that sort of thing — Jeff. Yes, you can. I 've got to get the third page made up. All you have to do is to keep your eyes open and ask questions — who 's giving one of those storms — no, I mean showers for a bride and — oh, any- thing at all about the folks. They '11 be crazy to see their names in the paper and will send copies to all their friends. Bill. Aw, Jeff — Jeff [hrandisJimg scissors] . Go on, chase yourself out. You '11 make it. [Bill goes out rear, sadly. Returns in coat and hat, a noiebook in hand.] Bill. Here— gimme them questions again. Jeff. What questions? Bill. Them I have to ask — who 's getting married, and who 's dead, and so on. Jeff. Oh, you don't have to ask those things. Bill [desperately]. I've got to have something to go on, haven't I? Jeff. Who has visitors, who 's gone away, who 's going to be married, or have a party or has had a partj^ — Bill. Or who might, could, would or should have a party. Jeff [snatching up rider and flinging it at Bill]. Aw, get out. I didn't think you knew that much about grammar. Bill goes out laughing, as curtain is drawn. SCENE II Street. Bill^ standing, notebook in hand, looking desperately right and left and muttering. Bill. Who 's gettin' married, who 's in town, who 's out of town, who 's dead, who 's — oh, there comes Ma- mie Prince, I '11 ask her some of this stuff. Enter Mamie. Mamie. Hello, Bill, what are you standing there for, looking as if you 'd lost your last friend ? Bill. Oh, hello, Mamie. I guess you 're just the per- son I want. I 've got some questions here I 'd like to ask you. Mamie. Ask away. Bill [reading from noteho^ok]. Who's got a visitor? Who 's dead ? Who 's gone away 1 Who 's getting married ? Mamie [excited]. Oh — oh! Billy! Is someone getting married? Who is it? Bill. I 'm asking you. Mamie. Oh, there go Bess and Lucie. Hoo-hoo girls ! Bess and Lucie come up, running. Bess. What is it, Mamie? Mamie. Bill says someone is going to be married. Bill. I didn't. I said, '^ Who's getting married?" Mamie. Well, that 's the same thing. You might tell us. Bess and Lucie. Do, Bill, tell us who it is. Bill. I don't know, I 'm askin' you — 8 THE SOCIETY COLUMN 9 Lucie. I bet I know who it is ! Bess Mamie J- [together]. Oh, who is it? Bill Lucie [giggling]. Old Grandpa Smalley and Aunt Jen- nie Green. Mamie and Bess [disgustedly]. Oh Lucie, you goose! [All laugh, then notice that Bill is writing in his boo^k. They nudge each other and try to peep over.] Bill. Thanks, girls. That 's fine. I '11 put it in the Society Column. Mamie Lucie ^The Somety Column! Bess Bess. Oh Bill, are you going to have a So<^iety Column? Bill. Sure are. Lucie [coqusttishly] . Now Bill, don't forget to put us all in it. ''Our beautiful young townswoman, Miss Lucie Van Loan, has just returned from a morn- ing's shopping in the neighboring metropolis." Bess. And, "The clever and interesting daughter of ■our local physician has recently had a short article printed in The City Ledger.''^ Mamie. And don't forget that ''Miss Mamie Prince entertained the Ladies' Aid on Wednesday evening at her palatial home on Pine street." Bye-bye, Billy dear. Good luck to your Society Columnf [Girls run off laughing. Bill ptdls out notebook and writes busily.] Bill. Shopping — neighboring metropolis — clev — and 10 THE SOCIETY- COLUMN interesting — local physician, how the deuce do yon spell physician — aw, Jeff will know. Miss Mamie Prince (some girl that!) what 's this? Oh, they said that Grandpa Smalley and Aunt Jennie Green are going to get married — ^by gummy, now what do you know about that ? Here comes John Barton. What 's brought him in today? Wonder if he can tell me any news, wonder if I can make him hear? Enter Mr. Barton^ old, deaf, rough clothes, ^^ cow's hreahfast" hat. Bill. Good morning, Mr. Barton. Mr. Barton. Eh, what, what? [Hand to ear.] Bill [shouting]. I said *' Good-morning. " Mr. Barton. Oh, good mornin'. Bill, mornin', mornin'. Fine day. Bill. Bill [shottting]. What 's the good news down your way? Mr. Barton. What, what? Bill [shouting]. What 's the news? Mr. Barton. Shoes, eh, shoes — ^Looks at his own very untidy ones, then at Bill's.] What about shoes? I ain't had shoes for fourteen years. Wear boots like these. Get 'em at Carpenter's cheap sales. Bill [yelling]. I said, ''What 's the News.'' Mr. Barton. Oh, that 's it, is it ? News, hey ? Bet- ter tell Carpenter his sales were news to you. He ought to advertise them in that paper of yours. Bill. By gummy, so he ought. I '11 tell him too — Mr. Barton [moving on]. 'Bye, Bill. Bill, 'Bye, Mr. Barton. [Two women pa^s, deep in talk, do not notice Bill, who' takes out notebook, amd steps close to listen J THE SOCIETY COLUMN 11 First Woman, An' I sez to her, sez I, "Ann Jane Graves, where did you get that baby?" An' she sez, jest as cute, "Oh, the stork brought it." "Is it a boy or a child?" sez I, jest to tease her, an' she speaks up, as bold as brass, "It 's a girl an' her name 's Mary Ann." Second Woman. Oh, Mary Agatha, ain't she the smart one? [Exit.] Bill [writmg] . Well, it 's just as Jeff says, there 's lots of news if a fellow only keeps his eyes and ears open. Enter Lulu Looker, ^^all dolled tip.^^ She appears surprised at seeing Bill. Lulu. Oh, Mr. Williams. How do you do? How well you 're looking. I haven't seen you in ever so long. Bill. Hello Lu, what you all dolled up for, going to walk as far as the post office and back? Lulu [coquettiskly] . Oh, you go on, Billy Williams. Say, are you truly going to have a Society Column in TTie Howler f Bill [snatching out notebook]. Yeah. Say, listen, Lulu, can you tell me anything for it ? Who 's getting married — Lulu [excited]. Oo-oo! Is someone getting married? Aw, Billy, tell me, won't you? Bill. No, I won 't, you '11 see it in the paper. Besides, I don't know what them girls said — besides — Lulu. Oh Bill, just let me peek! [Snatches notebook, dodging Bill's attempts to recover it.] Oh, Grandpa Smalley and Aunt Jennie Green — Oh — oh — Bill. Now Lu, don't you do that, don't give it away — 12 THE SOCIETY COLUMN Lulu. 'Course I won't. But Bill, you mustn't for- get to put me in your Society Column. Bill [preparing to write]. What '11 I say? Lulu [laughing]. You ought to be able to write up a nice paragraph about the leading lady of this pros- perous town. Say I 'm going away or coming back or anything. Bill [soberly] . All right, Lu. Good-bye [as she walks away]. By gummy, I 'm getting a lot of news — a marriage, a party, a baby. "What '11 I do about Lu? Um-m — *' going away or coming back" — ^well, I '11 say that, since she wants me to. Sam enters, nods and passes, hut Bill calls him and Sam comes hack. Bill. Oh Sam, Sam. ' Sam [coming hack]. What's the matter, Bill? Bill. Give us some news, Sam. We 're starting a Society Column in The Howler, and I 'm out looking for news. Sam. Society Column! Well, well, what next ? What 's the bright idea? Bill. Interest more people, see their names in the paper — ^^send to their friends — buy up more — Sam. I see you must get all the names you can. I '11 give you news, sure. [Bill seizes notebook, and Sam begins.] Sam. Miss Joyce, the new school teacher, boards at Mrs. Silas Doane's. [Aside] (Shouldn't wonder if she and young Si take a shine to each other.) Aunt Sairey Ann Morrell has a fine brood of young ducks. [Aside.] (That old Plymouth Rock of hers THE SOCIETY COLUMN 13 is half crazy 'cause her chickens want to swim.) Three commercial travellers registered at Mrs. Doane's boarding house last week. [Aside.] (If a lot of them could taste Mother Doane's fried chicken and sponge cake, they wouldn't stay at half -rate ho- tels, even if we are two hours trolley ride from town.) Let me see. There goes Farmer Brown with a load of potatoes and apples to ship to Boston. Bill. Would you put him in the Society Column? Sam. Sure I would. Personal mention, that 's the thing. Look over yonder, that 's young Oliver Haw- kins and the Bindle girl. Some Peach. Oh, you OUie ! And down there at the brook-side, every rock has its spooners — can't you say something about spoons at the brook? "Little spooners at the brook — Everybody come and look.** Something chaste and literary, like that, ehl Bill. I '11 try. Oh, Jeff will straighten this mess all out. I 've news enough to fill a page, I guess, in- stead of a column. But my ! It 's most awfully mixed up. Sam. Don't worry, old scout. The news is the thing. Here 's Mamie Prince coming. Bill. Well, I '11 scoot. She '11 want to make me prom- ise not to print the news she gave me. Good-bye. [Exits.] Sam. Good-bye. [Enter Mamie.] How do yoia do, Mamie ? Mamie. How do you do, Sam. Have you seen Billy? Sam. Yes, I 've just had the time of my life filling 14 THE SOCIETY COLUMN him up with fake news for his Society Column. Mamie. Oh, have you? We girls told him a lot of foolish stuff. Of course he could see it was all non- sense, but I got nervous about it after the girls left me, and thought I 'd come back to tell him not to really put things in. Sam. Oh, don't you worry. Jeff will straighten that all out. You Ve just time for a walk with me before tea. * Mamie. Oh, if Jeff looks it over, it will be all right. I know Billy is so funny. Everybody tells him things just because he believes anything he 's told. "Why, we told him — - Sam. Never mind what you told him, Jeff's at the helm, so don't bother. Old Bill 's all right too, if he is an easy mark. Come, this way — [Exit.'] CURTAIN SCENE III Office. Jeff pacing up and down. Looks at watch. Looks out of window. Bill rushes in from outside, waving notebook. Jeff. Oh, there yoii are, thank goodness. I 've been waiting to get away. Bill. Can't get away, old bean. I 've a pocket full of news. . Jeff. That 's good. I 've a wire from home. Dad 's sick and I 've just twenty minutes to get that train. Bill. But see here. I 've got a lot of stuff here — Jeff. Fine. The first page is all done and the second. Jim Street is setting up the third, and the fourth page ads are set — ^two columns left for your stuff. Bill. But it 's all mixed up. I sha'n't know how to put it up. You 're the editor. I only grabbed off the news. Jeff [firmly] . You 're the whole works now. What you got anyway? [Getting into coat and hat."] Bill [leafing over notebook desperately']. Marriage — ■ visitors — new school teacher — new baby — Jeff. That 's fine, go ahead. Write it up and set Jim at it. Must go — 'bye. Send me a copy by late mail. Just put down what they gave you. Bill. Oh, I say, Jeff — Jeff. Good Lord, he 's gone — what the deuce — [Sits at desk and registers des- pair.] 15 16 THE SOCIETY COLUMN Jim Street [sticks head in door at rear]. Got that last page ready, Bill? Hurry up your copy. Bill. Oh, heavens! [Begins to copy on tablet.] How to put it down — ' ' Just what they gave you, ' ' says old Jeff. "Well, that 's easy. Grandpa Smalley and Aunt Jennie Green going to be married. That won't do. How do they put down that sort of thing, any- way? [Grabs a paper from pile, hunts for Society Column — reads.] Here it is. Engaged — Married. **A marriage has been arranged" — oh, piffle. ''Mr. and Mrs. Jones-Smith announce the engagement — " darn it, that won't do. Oh, I '11 just have to put it down the way it is. [Writes.] ''We are told" — that will do [writing] that Grandpa Smalley and , Aunt Jennie Green are to be married. Congratula- tions." By gummy! That looks good. Neat and to the point . . . Now who was next? — oh, Lucie. "What 's this? Oh, I '11 just put it the way she told me. "Our beautiful young townswoman, Miss Lucie Van Loan — neighboring metropolis — - [Writes.] "The clever and interesting daughter of our local physician" — that Bess is the limit. Article accepted by Ledger — ^that 's what she said. Wonder what it was about. [Writing.] "Miss Mamie Prince entertained the Ladies' Aid." Jim [poking head in rear door]. Say, got any of that copy yet? Bill [handing copy]. Here you are. Begin on that while I write the rest. Jim [takes copy and begins to read it]. Say, what's this stuff ? Do you want me to set up that stuff about THE SOCIETY COLUMN 17 old Cephas Smalley and Aunt Jennie and Lucie and Mamie ? Bill. Sure, that 's the Society Column. Jim. But g-osh ! Bill, you 're crazy ! Bill. Get out. I guess I soon will be. I 'm doing just what Jeff told me. Chase yourself. Jim goes off muttering. Bill. What next^ Oh, Mr. Barton's boots. [Writ- ing.] **Mr. James Barton tells us that he wears a pair of boots, purchased at Mr. Carpenter's sales, for many years. If Mr. Carpenter advertised in The Howler, many of our fellow-townsmen might be able to profit by these sales." There, Jack Carpenter, that 's one on the nob for you ! Now that baby. Ann Jane Graves — I wonder who she is ? Don 't know. It 's safe to say Mrs. Ann Jane Graves. *'The stork has made a visit to the home of Mrs, Ann Jane Graves, and left a fine baby girl. The baby is named Mary Ann. ' ' That 's easy. Now what did that gooee Lulu say — ^that she was leading lady and was going away or coming back. She couldn't be both, so what '11 I say? *^Our leading lady. Miss Lulu Looker, is either going away or coming back." Oh, that won't do. ''Our leading lady, Miss Lulu Looker, is leaving us for a short visit to friends in New York." That looks fine, but I don't know whether it 's true or not. Serves Lu right, anyway. Jim [coming in]. More copy. By gracious, Bill, you 'd better get out a hundred extra copies. Bill. All right, take this, get out. Jim [reads as he goes, looks 'back at Bill]. My gosh! 18 THE SOCIETY COLUMN Bill, Now here's Sam's stuff [writing and talking]. Miss Joyce, new teacher — Mrs. Doane's — young Si- shine — Aunt Sairey Ann Morrell — young ducks — Plymouth rock — crazy — Three commercial travellers — Mrs. Doane — fried chicken — sponge cake — hotels — Mr. Ezekiel Brown — potatoes and apples — Now about that Bindle girl and Oliver Hawkins. *'Miss Bindle and Mr. Oliver Hawkins enjoyed" — ^by gummy — ''a walk to Brookside, where (how did he say that?) every rock has its spooners? ^ "Little spooners "by the brook, Everybody come and look." By gummy, that 's some poetry. Guess I 'd better put in about poor old Jeff. How is it he always says that? Oh, yes. "Ye editor has been called to Ingleside by the illness of his father. ' ' I guess that 's all. By gummy — what a job. [Calls:] Jim! Jim [outside]. What yuh want? Bill. Come here. [Enter Jim.] Here 's the rest of that copy. I 'm nearly dead. Jim. You '11 be all dead when this copy comes out. Bill. Don 't you think it 's all right, Jim ? Jim [sarcastically] . Sure, it 's a peach of a column. ^ Bill [relieved] . Well, I hope it 's all right. It 's up to Jeff, anyway. Send him a copy by the late mail. Care Mr. B. B. Stewart, Ingleside. Jim. All right, old chap. Bill. I 'm going to supper now. G'bye. [Goes out.] Jim. G'bye. [Goes out with copy.] CURTAIN SCENE IV Office. Next day. Jeff striding up and down. Bill at rear door. Jeff. Oh, it 's awful. Awful. Haven't you amy sense, Bill ? To put in such rot ! We 're ruined. No one will ever look at us again. Poor old dad. He says, ''Get out — I 'm sick,- but your paper is sicker." Bill. Aw, but see here, Jeff. I told you I couldn't write that up, and you went off and left me. Jeff. But couldn't you see those girls were stuffing you? 'BuAj [indignantly] . They were not. By gummy. Look, Jeff, here come the girls. Here 's where I vanish. Jeff. Come back here. Bill. Not me. [Jeff grabs him and they wrestle as girls enter, Bess, Mamie^ Lucie^ Lulu and ' ' The Bin- DLE G];rl."] Mamie. Why, what 's the matter? [All exclaim] For goodness sake ! Boys, oh boys ! [The Bindle Girl says] Gee-ee! [Jeff and Bill stop wrestling — look foolish hut try to look dignified.] Jeff. Why, how do you do, ladies. This is a great pleasure. Bess [sarcastically]. Is it? Well, perhaps you'll change your mind before we 're through. Mamie. Oh Bill, how could you, and Jeff, how could 19 20 THE SOCIETY COLUMN you, put in all that foolishness? We were only in fun. Bill. How was I to know? Jeff told me to ask those questions and you answered and then Jeff cleared out and left me to go it alone, and I never fixed up copy before and so I just put down what you said. Lucie [groans']. Oh, "Our beautiful townswoman — !" Bess. "The clever and interesting daughter" — ! Billy, what do you suppose that "article" in The Ledger was anyway? Bill. How do I know? Bess. Well, Eover lost the tag off his collar, and I advertised it. Some article! "Clever and interest- ing" — ooh! Bill. I '11 take it all back. I '11 say next week that you 're not beautiful or clever and interesting. Lucie and Bess. Wretch! Lulu. And callin' me "our leading lady" — ! ~ Bill. You said it yourself. Lulu. Bill Williams! Haven't you any sense a-tall? Bill. Nary, I guess. The Bindle Girl. Ollie was awful mad. But I thought the poetry was grand. Lulu [loftily]. You little goose! The Bindle Girl. Well, Ollie says if he knew who told that to Bill, he 'd punch his head. But he knew Jeff was away and Bill hadn't brains enough to write poetry. Bill. Blessed be nothing. Lulu. Well, I '11 just tell you, Billy Williams. ' You think you're so smart, but I told dad I wouldn't THE SOCIETY COLUMN 21 stay here and be laughed at about that "leading lady" business, and he says I can go to Aunt Betty's in New York for a long visit. So there! [Exit.] Bill. Well now [smiling], wasn't it good I put that in? It got Lulu her visit. Jeff [hitterly]. It's the only decent thing you said and it was a lie. Enter Sam. Sam. Well, well, well. Where 's the chap with the three-decker brain that edits that Society Column? Bill. You dry up. You 're the one that — Sam [finger on lip]. Hush-sh-sh. Tell it not in Gath. Publish it not in Ascalon. If I live, I just saw Grandpa Smalley and Aunt Jennie Green making for here, and I bet you there '11 be some fireworks when they arrive. I never mentioned tJiem. [Bill makes a dash for rear door. Jeff steps before it and stops him. He then dashes for other door to he stopped hy Sam^ who steps aside to allow Aunt Jennie Green to enter.] Aunt Jennie. Where 's the smart Alec that knows so much about Lonedale society? Jeff Stewart, you young scamp, if I was big enough I 'd give you a good — Enter Grandpa Smalley — red hot. Grandpa Smalley. Where 's that chap that put my name in his Society Column? [Bounces in front of table and pounds it and shouts]. How dare you, I say, how dare you ! I 'm a respectable citizen — name in your Society Column. Jennie Green — ^fine woman — using her name — [Girls hold each other's hands and 22 THE SOCIETY COLUMN look on, half amused, half frightened. Sam tries to put arm around Mamie, hut she pushes him awuy, hut clings to his hand. All jump, and say, '^Ohl'' each time Grandpa Smalley pounds the table. Jeff and Bill stand hehind desk shoulder to shoulder. Aunt Jennie Green perks up and gets mad. Not at all frightened. Grandpa Smalley continues to shout and pound desk. Aunt Jennie keeps out of his sight hut keeps drawing near.] Young scamps, makin' game of respectable people. Fine woman, Jennie Green. She 'd 'a' been Mrs. Smalley forty years ago if she hadn't turned me down. What do you mean— Aunt Jennie [comies forward. At sight of her, Grandpa Smalley shrinks hack in amazement.'] What you mean, yourself, Cephas Smalley ? Thumpin ' tables at them poor boys 'at 's tryin' to do their best with their paper. Ain't you ashamed? Don't you glare at me. I ain't a-scared of you. An' how dare you say I turned you down forty years ago, when you never asked me? Grandpa. Aw now, Jen. Aunt Jennie. Don't you ''Jen" me. An' you goin' off. with never a word and never comin ' back ! Grandpa. But, Jen, you wouldn't see me when I came. Aunt Jennie. An' me with the hull side of my face swole out with a toothache. I 'd be likely to see you. Grandpa. Aw, Jen ! Aunt Jennie. Don't you dare call me a fine woman. Grandpa [gets mad]. Now Jen Green, you just shut up. You know after we fit at the Baptist sociable, I went to see you and you wouldn't see me. THE SOCIETY COLUMN 23 Aunt Jennie. An' you went off the next day, and never wrote and never came back — Grandpa. Well, I was so darned mad — Aunt Jennie. No excuse — I was kind of mad myself. Grandpa. Well, and then I got workin' in Noo York, and got married and Cynthy died and the kids were growin' up and I thought you married Jerry Fiske — Aunt Jennie [contempttiously]. Jerry Fiske! Grandpa. Wal, see here, Jen. I ain't got a soul but Art's children and I 've got to give up my home and go and live with them an' I hate to. I got an awful nice little place there — an' I heard you was goin' to an old ladies' home. Aunt Jennie. So I be. [Young people nudge each other, and watch excitedly.] Grandpa. Well, look here, Jen. Come, let 's get mar- ried now. The idea of you in an old ladies' home! Aunt Jennie. I wasn't goin' as an occupant, I was goin' as a matron. Grandpa. Good gracious, Jen ! You come along 'ith me and we '11 jest stop at the squire's and get a li- cense and go over to the parson's and get married and go home. Aunt Jennie. Oh Cephas, I can't. Jeff. Yes, you can. Aunt Jennie. Sure you can — Aunt Jennie. You keep still, Jeff Stewart. You made enough mischief. Grandpa. Let the boy alone. All his nonsense has helped us both out. Come on, Jen. Girls. Can't we come? Do let us come too. Grandpa. No you don't. We're old enough to get 24 THE SOCIETY COLUMN married without a bunch of kids kitin' round. [Exit.] [Sam, Bill, Jeff and girls all evince greut glee.] All. Isn't it great! Golly. Gee-ee. Gorgeous! Bill [swaggers around, thumbs in armhole^ of vest]. Takes your Uncle Dudley to match-make. Not so worse for a matrimonial bureau. Gosh, here comes Si Doane and Miss Joyce with him. Enter Doane and Miss Joyce. Si. Look here, you two smarties, I jest want to tell you this. Miss Joyce and I were engaged three months before she came here to teach, and we 're going to be married next summer. So you 're not so smart as you think 'yourselves. [Girls and hoys crowd around with congraiidations — Si and Miss Joyce thank them.] Si. And here 's a note from mother to tell you what she thinks about what you said about her. Bill [head in his hands] . Oh lord, that 's another. Jeff [opens note. All crowd around]. ''Dear Jeff: Thank you for that kind mention of my boarding house. I 've had telephone messages from three par- ties at Hillsboro who want to come here for week- ends. You boys have done me a good turn and you can just call on me if ever I can do anything for you. ' ' Bill. Hurray, did anyone say I couldn't write copy? Now who 's here? Enter Little Girl with doll carriage and dolt. Little Girl. "Where 's the man that writes the paper? THE SOCIETY COLUMN 25 Jeff. I 'm it, dearie. What can I do for you^ Little Girl. I wanted to tell you how glad I am you put that in your paper about the baby. Jeff. Is it a little sister, dear? Little Girl. Oh no, it 's my own baby, an' I brought her down for you to see. [Begins to take doll out of carriage.] Mamie. Oh, oh, a doll. What 's your name, dear? Little Girl. My name is Ann Jane Graves. Miss Ann Jane Graves. [Bill pretends to faint and girls aoid hoys shout with laughter.] Little Girl. 'Course you said Mrs. but I 'm only Miss. Lucie. Your baby has blue eyes, and yours are brown — Little Girl. Yes, she 'sembles her father. [BiLL^ who had straightened up to see ''the hahy/' immediately faints again. All admire doll. Little girl tucks it into carriage and goes out.] Little Girl. Good-bye, and thank you ever so much. The Bindle Girl. Gee-ee. Bill [immediately reviving]. Behold Billiam Williams, 'the great happifier. Bess. Billy, you are the biggest goose. Bill. Well, here 's where I quit. I took this job with Jeff, thinkin' I 'd get here near you and that you 'd like a high-brow job. Jeff. High-brow ! Good heavens ! Bess. I should say so, when I 'm crazy to farm and you have such a gorgeous farm, Billy Williams! Bill. Oh, my gummy, Bess, will you, will you? Say, folks, excuse us, Bess and I are engaged. 26 THE SOCIETy COLUMN All. Congratulations. Bess. Go on, Bill means — All. Oh, we know what Billy means— Bill. Come on, Bess, away from this idiotic bunch. Enter Mr. Carpenter. Boys and girls try to look sober aofid husinesslihe. Mr. Carpenter. Is the editor in? Bill [waving hand towards Jeff]. This is the editor. Mr. Jefferson Stewart. Mr. Carpenter [shaking hands] . Glad to meet you, sir. Like to see a young fellow with some enterprise. My name *s Carpenter. [Bill^ pretends to holt, hut Bess holds him hy arm.] Jeff. Yes, Mr. Carpenter. I expect you called about that paragraph in our Society Column yesterday. I 'm sorry. Mr. Carpenter. No need, no need, sir! Needn't be sorry. Fine ad. But just the same lots of truth in it, 'specially that part that says — [pulls out paper and reads] : "If Mr. Carpenter advertised in The Howler, others of our fellow-townsmen might be able to profit by those sales. ' ' That 's sense, sir, and here 's where I arrange with you for a good front page ad. Jeff [draws chair up to tahle]. Sit down, Mr. Car- penter. Now, here 's our first page. I could give you [voices hecome low, Mr. Carpenter, and Jeff with pencil and paper, planning ad. Sam^, Mamie, Bill, Bess, Lucie and Bindle Girl watching and nudging one another.] Mr. Carpenter [rising] . Well, that 's all right. Good day, sir. [Shakes hands.] THE SOCIETY COLUMN 27 Jeff. Good day, sir. [Exit Mr. Carpenter.] Jeff [pounds Bill on haclc]. By golly, Bill, it 's a go. We '11 make it yet. Bill. Not me. Make it go yourself. Take Jim Street, he 's crazy to stick on with you. I 'm going back to the farm. Bess and I — [Bill and Bess go out arm in arm, looking hack and waving laughingly.] Jeff. Well, I never. Look here. This Society Column really will be a go if you people will give it a boost. Sam. Sure we will. Won't we, Mamie? Mame and I may have a bit of news for that column some day. Jeff. You 've nothing on Lucie and me. Have they, Lucie ? Lucie. Not a thing, Jeff, old dear. The Bindle Girl. Gee-ee. You 're all matched off, ain't yez? I guess I 'd better go find Ollie. [Exit.] Jeff. Now about this Society Column. We can all scout for news. If you will help and then — Lucie. I '11 try to handle it if you like, Jeff. Sam. That 's right Lucie. Nothing like getting your hand in and keeping the job in the family. Mamie. And just think of all the matches made^ — Lucie. No, discovered. Mamie. Well, discovered, by poor Billy's Society Col- umn. Jeff. Grandpa Smalley and Aunt Jennie [who come in here.] Sam. Si and Miss Joyce. [Enter Si and Miss Joyce.] Mamie. Billy and Bess. [Enter Bill and Bess.] Lucie. And all of us. 28 THE SOCIETY COLUMN JEFF. Don't forget OUie and the Bindle girl. [Enter Ollie and The Bindle Girl.] Mamie. Oh, and Miss Ann Jane Graves. [Enter Ann Jane Graves.] All. Hurrah for the Society Column! curtain SUPPLEMENTARY READERS Cloth Bound These books ^present a step forward in story-book makini;^, and contain fresh material, the kind that is being placed in the best schools of to-day. Artistically the books set a new standard. 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