WOMAN'S RIGHTS, A STRICTLY OEIGINAL COMEDY THREE ACTS, BY OF THE BALTIMORE BAR. BALTIMORE; 1882. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1882, by Sylvan Dkey. WOMAN'S RIGHTS. A STRICTLY ORIGINAL COMEDY THREE ACTS, s"Z"Xj"V"^it x3e-:b"Z' OF THE BALTIMORE BAR. ' ■.-^'•i:. BALTIMORE: 1882. Copyrighted 1882. DRAMATIS PERSONS. Miss Mat^y Tat^krr, President of the Massachusetts Woman's Rights Association and an Attorney-at-law. Mr. Alexander Alonzo Blunderbuss Sheepiiead, a Senator opposed to Woiuiin's Rights and an Attorney-at-law. Miss Roscoana Conkling, a Political Aspirant. Miss Hamiltonia Bliss, a Medical Aspirant. Miss Benjina Butler, a Legal Aspirant. Mr. Frank Adams, ) Mr. Samuel WASiirNGTON, >• Woman's Rights Commission. Mr. Geouge H()L15Rook, ) Mr. John Quincy Brown, President of the Massachusetts Senate. Mrs. Stai{r Morose, a Much-troubled Mother. Miss May JIorose, a Faithless Sweetheart. Dr. Samuel Brosius. Mr. Robekt Green, a Foppish Law Student. ES SS.'^I?^., [ ^^^^-^^ '^ ^I'- Talker's Law Office. Members of the Woman's Rights Association, of Senate, etc. Act L— Convention of the Massacliusetts Woman's Rights Association. (Several months elapse between Act I and Act II.) Act II. — Interior V;ew of Miss Mary Talker's Law Office. Act III. — Legal Consultation at Mrs. Starr Morose's House. WOMAN'S RIGHTS A COMEDY. ACT I. Scene. — Interior vieio of the Gipitol at Boston, Mass., representing the hall in which the mimbers of the Massachusetts State Legislature convene. In the rear of the hall is a stand, resembling an altar, and behind the same is a large arm-chair resting on a raised platform, occupied by the President of the Massachusetts Woman's Rights Association. Two rows of chairs, ticenty-five in each row, arranged in a semicircle, are occupied by fifty women, all of whom wear dark-b'.ue goggles. Fimofthem are supposed to be from 18 to 22 years of age ; the rest from 30 to 60 years of age. To the left of the President are three vacant chairs, subsequently to be occupied by the Woman's Rights Oommission. The hall is otherwise suitably furnished. When the curtain rises, the President calls the meeting to order. Miss Mary Talker [spiritedly]. My patient, much-abused, down- trodden and enthralled sisters [.striking the table violently with her hand] , we have convened here this evening to discharge a solemn duty which we owe not only to ourselves, but to all posterity. The notorious manner in which the obvious rights of women have been trampled upon has at last called forth your righteous indignation, and scattered seeds of discontent in every household in this broad land. " Woman's Rights " is the burning question of the day — the all-absorbing topic of the hour. Indeed, I firmly believe that it is destined to become a party issue in national politics. [A short jmuse.] My sisters, it is for you to determine how long you propose to submit to the tyrannical domination of your incommensurably selfish husbands. No doubt, if this question were put to any one of the myriads of society girls who are annually thrown upon the matrimonial market, they would answer with incre- dible unanimity, " We will submit to the tyrannical domination of a hus- band so long as we can procure one." Ah! [sighing]., my sisters, it cuts me to the very quick to think that woman has fallen so low. It was not always thus. [Triumphantly] — There was a time when man sought woman. [Despondently] — But alas! alas! that was long ago, in the days of Adam, before woman was born. Strange indeed is the fatality, that it should rest upon the women of the nineteenth century to call into life the unborn virtue of pre- Adamite woman ! But we must accept the inevitable. Let us revolt, en masse, against the present regime of husbands. If the " boss system " should not be tolerated in the management of political campaigns, why should it prevail in the regulation of domestic affairs? I need hardly stop to detail the sufler- ings of married women. Most of you have experienced the tyranny of a husband; the rest will not be slow to embrace an opportunity when it presents itself. In passing, however, let me warn the younger 6 nicmbors of this Convention (thou2:1i I confess tlioy do not form a very formidable number) to beware of tlie fatal institution of marria.ije. It takes but a very few years to change the veritable sugar of cooing times into the sourest vinegar ever manufactured. In my case this chemical operation was performed in so short a space that I did not even have time to change my maiden name. History repeats itself; the cause of my divorce and the cause of the Il('pul)lican defeat in Ohio last fall are identical — it was prohil)ition. Pardon the digression ; but when I was engaged to be mnrried I made my ex-husband promise that he would abstain entirely from drinking any spirituous liquors whatever. About ten days after our marriage lie brought home a bottle of whiskey. As he entered the front-door he accidentally let the bottle fall ; the odor ascended rapidly (fu- all good things ascend) until it reached the third story, where / liaiipened to be at the time. As quickly as the odor ascended, so quickly did I descend ; upon finding my ex-husband trembling from head to foot with a broken bottle in liis hand, 1 forth- with dismissed him. Believe me that such violent measures as these (especially when the wife is the daughter of a millionaire) are calcu- lated to do more good to the cause of temperance than ten thousand "Salvation Armies." But to revert to our subject — we have for a long time been shut out from all tlie lucrative pursuits of life. The right to practice medicine has long been denied us, and this too in face of the fact that out of all the numerous male doctors in existence, there is not one who could not counnaud enormous commissions as an agent for an ambitious grave-digger. AVe dare not become lawyers, yet there are thousands of men who have been admitted to the bar who should be behind the bars. We dare not become judges, yet there are hundreds of men Avho sit on the bench who should be in the cell. Only recently I heard a political demagogue say that women were not qualilied to occupy seats in Con- gress, because they are not sutiiciently versed in the corrupt practices necessary to constitute a good Congressman. My sisters, I need hardly say tliat these objections are utterly absurd. No one enters the political arena now-a-days, who does not soon acquire that proficiency in the art of corruption which seems indispensably requisite to a pure politician. Here, as everywhere, "Experience is the best teacher." Look at the career of the Republican party! We need not, therefore, attempt to refute such specious arguments. It is not by idle words, but b}' immediate action, that we can hope to remove the disabilities under which wc are laboring. We must worry our husbands in private life— that is those of us who are fortunate enough to possess any — and we must tantalize them in public till they accede to our demands. [A sJiort pause.^ At the request of some of our members I have sent a petition to the Massachusetts Legislature, whose President has so kindly loaned us the use of this hall, setting forth our views upon the subject of Woman's Bights. The Secretary of State writes as follows concerning the fate of the petition [takes out ajjaper and 7'eads] : To Miss Mary Talker and others : The follo'icing resolution was passed last Saturday, in reference to your petition, by both li/mses of t/ie General Assembly : Wukkkas, The women of this State have petitioned this Assembly to remove the disabilities undrr which they are at present laboriny. He it Rksolved, Tliat a committee of three be appointed, to be known as thf, " Womnn's Rights Commission, ^^ whose duty it shall be to examine a number of the members of the ^^Massachusetts Wo7han\^ Riyhts Association,^^ in politics, law, medicine, etc., in order to determine wlietJier or not the proposed cJiange in the law regulating the rights of women is feasible. All applicants must he ready for examination to-night, as tlie Legislature adjourns in two weeks. Tours respectfully, Secretary of State. My sisters, the Commission waits without, and before inviting them in, it will be necessary' to ascertain who of you are willing to stand the examination which the Commission proposes to hold. Miss Roscoana Conkling {arising'\. My name is Roscoana Conkling. I present myself for examination in the science of politics. \^Miss Mary Talker takes doion the names as each candidate announces her- self.] Miss Hamiltonia Bliss [arising]. My name is Hamiltonia Bliss. 1 present myself for examination in the science of medicine. Miss Benjina Butler [arising']. My name is Benjina Butler. I pre- sent m3'self for examination in the science of law. Miss Talniadgina Beecher [arising]. My name is Talmadgina Beecher. I present myself for examination in theology. Mrs. Garretta Jewetta Vanderhilt [arising]. My name is Garretta Jewetta Vanderbilt. I offer myself for examination as a railroad president. Miss Jane Gould [arising]. My name is Jane Gould. I wish to be examined as a railroad and telegraph consolidator. Mrs. Angella Bergh [arising]. My name is Angella Bergh. I pre- sent myself f .r examination on such subjects as are essential to qualify me to hold the position of President of the '•'• Society for the Prevention of Crueltv to Animals." Miss Mary Talker. The sergeant-at-arms will please inform the Commission that we are ready to receive them. [The seir/eant-at-arms leaves room, immediately re-entering, folloiced by three gentlemen dressed like Senators. Each holds a large sheet of paj)er in his hand, containing the questions to be asked the candidates. They occupy the three vacant chairs next to the President, the Chairman of the Commission occupying the chair nearest the President] Miss Mary Talker [to the Chairman of the Commission]. Mr. Chair- man, the resolution passed by the General Assembly has been laid before our Association, and in pursuance of its provisions I herewith present to you a list of those who will stand the proposed examinations. [She hands him a paper containing the names of those loho are to be examined, and the subjects in ivhich they are to be examined.] Mr. Frank Adams [Chairman of the Commission]. Miss Roscoana Conkling : Politics. [Miss Conkling aiHses.] Miss Conkling, are politics a science or an art? Miss R. Conkling. Politics are neither an art nor a science, for a science teaches us how to know., an art how to do, while politics teaches how to take. Mr. Adams. What is the cardinal distinction between the Republi- cans and Democrats? Miss Conkling. The Republicans are in power ; the Democrats would like to be. Mr. Adams. What sort of political platform would you frame at a Democratic Convention ? 8 Miss Conkling. We recommend free education ; we denounce political assessments ; we favor civil service reform ; we condemn monopolies ; we demand a free ballot and a fair count. Mr. Adams. How would you alter this to suit a Republican Con- vention ? Miss Conkling. I would not alter it at all. Mr. Adams. Why do you malce no allusions to "Free Trade" and "Total Abstinence" in your platform? Miss Conkling. A shrewd political candidate never expresses an opinion on either "Free Trade" or " Proliibition." Mr. Adams. Wliat is the test of a good political platform? Miss Conkling. That it is vague enough to meet the views of all political parties. Mr. Adams. Do you believe in rotation in office or tenure for life ? Miss Conkling. That depends entirely upon circumstances. When I am an ofjiceliolder I believe in tenure for life ; when I am an office- seeker I believe in rotation in office. Mr. Adams. If you are elected as a United States Senator to repre- sent Massacliusetts, and the President refuses to consult you before making nominations to fill the vacant federal offices in Massachusetts, of what political oflence is he guilty? Miss Conkling. He ofl'ends against "Senatorial courtes}'." Mr. Adams. What is the remedy ? Miss Conkling. To resign and try to be re-elected. Mr, Adams. That will suffice. The next on the list is Miss Hamil- tonia Bliss : Medicine. [Miss Bliss arises.^ Mr. Samuel Wasliingto7i [the second member of tlie Commission]. State the fundamental principle upon which the science of medicine is based. Miss Bliss. Whenever a patient dies, death must be ascribed to the will of Providence ; whenever he is cured, the cure is the effect of the medicine. Mr. Washington. Can medicine be called a science? If so, why? Miss Bliss. It can. The test of a science is the absolute certainty that one thing invariably follows another. N'ow the fundamental prin- ciples of medicine will stand this test. We know, for example, that whenever a doctor pays you a visit, an expensive bill will always follow ; so scientific indeed is this principle, that even if he kills the patient the bill is nevertheless forthcoming. We also know that laudanum, arsenic, etc., will kill a patient when taken in sufficiently large doses ; that cucumbers will cause the cramps ; that when life is extinct, the patient is dead. The absolute certainty of these results makes medicine an exact science. Mr. Washington. When a physician does not know the nature of his patient's complaint, how should he conceal his ignorance? Miss Bliss. By telling the patient he is sufi'ering with malaria. Mr. Washington. To what other sciences is medicine closely al- lied ? Miss Bliss. To coffin-making and grave-digging. Mr. Washington. What is the real object of administering medicine to the sick? Miss Bliss. To keep the proprietors of apothecary stores alive. Mr. Washington. What is the essential ditierence between homoeo- pathic and allopathic treatment ? Miss BUss. Homoeopaths give small doses so that they can do no harm ; allopaths give large doses so that the patient may be led to suppose that the medicine does him some good. Mr. Washington. That will do. Mj'. Adams [arisinf/]. The next on the list is Miss Benjina Butler : Law. [He sits down again ; Miss Butler arises,^ Mr. George Holbrook [the third member of the Commission]. Define marriage. Miss Bntler. Marriage is an agreement made between a man and a woman, whereby tlie man, in consideration of a sufficient sum of money owned by the woman, allies himself to her. Mr. HoJhroolc. How does the law regard a married w^oman's will? Miss Butler. As a command, the disobedience of wiiich will cause her husband no little unhappiness. Mr. Holbrook. What is the general eflect of a wife's will upon her husband's })owers ? Miss Butler. The universal rule is that it reduces him to entire sub- mission. 3Ir. Holbrook. To wiiat extent, at present, may married women contract ? Miss Bntler. They have unlimited power to contract for necessaries, but the authorities are all agreed that they cannot contract expenses. Mr. Holbrook. How can you prove a marriage ? Miss Butler. By the financial depression- of the imputed husband. Mr. Holbrook. Mention a good cause for divorce. Miss Butler. Marriage. Mr. Holbrook. That will do. Mr. Adams [arising]. Miss President and Ladies: As the hour at which the two houses meet here this evening to consider the report of the committee is fast approaching, we will be compelled to forego the pleasure of examining any more of the applicants whose names are affixed to this list. The very admirable manner in which the three young ladies just examined have acquitted themselves, amply justifies us in concluding that you are entitled to have your existing disabilities removed. I know I express the sentiments of this Commission when I assert that we are in duty bound to submit a report highly favorable to the cause of " Woman's Rights." If you will, therefore, grant us the use of this liall fur the rest of the evening, we may succeed in persuading the Legislature to enact such liivvs as may be necessary to insure your absolute equality with the male sex. I must not omit to say. Miss President, that the Legislature has authorized this Commission to invite you to address the General Assembly in behalf of your reform move- ment. Any other member of your Association who may so desire is likewise cordially invited to attend. Miss Talker [arising]. Mr. Chairman: I am sure this Association feels more than gratified at the praise which you have so kindly be- stowed upon its members. In return for your kindness we can only heartily thank you for your efforts in our behalf. In accordance with your request, — unless some of the members object — [she looks around the roo7n], I now declare this meeting adjourned. [The members of the Association disperse., the orchestra playing an appropriate air. After the lapse of a few moments, the vicmbers of the Massachusetts Legislature slowly enter from the opposite side; some of 10 them appear to he cnnversivg as they enter. The three vacant chairs near the Presidents chair arc to be occupied by Miss Mary Talker and tioo other members of the Woman^s Rights Association. When the members are all seated the music ceases, and the President calls the meeting to order] . Mr. John Quincy Brown [^President of the Massachusetts Senate], Gentlemen, as you are aware, we meet here this evening; to consider the feasil;ility of adopting such legislation as may he necessary to insure a pn^per recoirnition of woman's rights. The Committee appointed last week to investigate the matter have completed their labors, and will now give us the results of their investigations. Mr. Adams [arising]. Mi'. President: Your Committee appointed to test the justice of the claims set fortii by the Massachusetts Woman's Eights Association has been so pressed for time that they have not been able to submit to this Assembly a written report. This was hardly necessary, however, since they are all of tiie unanimous opinion that your honorable body ought to ])ass such laws as will secure to women the right to engage in any profession, occupation, etc., etc., which is now open to man. One of the members. I move the report be adopted. Another member. Second the motion. Mr. Broion. It has been moved and seconded that this report be adopted. The question is now open for debate. Mr. Alexander A. B. Sheejjliead [arising]. Mr. President and gen- tlemen : 1 am religiously, morally, intellectually, physically and bitterly opposed to this motion. The glowing report which has been submitted to this Assembly by the Woman's lligiits Commission is significant of the mighty intluences which female charms and graces can exert over susceptible men. Mr. President, I shall not mince my words. I boldly assert that the winsome smiles of fifty-one women, the bright lustre of one hundred and two eyes has had a telling etfect on the report of this Committee. In saying this, I do not wish to be under- stood as attaching any blame to tlie honorable gentlemen who consti- tute this Committee, for who could resist such irresistible infiuences? It was on this account, Mr. I'resident, that I opposed this scheme, from its very incipiency, as wholly impracticable. The report of the Committee is, therefore, no surprise to me, but I confess my disajipoint- ment at the hasty manner in which this Assembly is seeking to rush through this ill-considered project. Gentlemen, I beg of you to pause and reflect before taking so dangerous a step. llecoUect that you are the representatives of men. llecollect that you owe the lucrative posi- tions w'hicli you occupy to Republican votes. Have you an}^ idea what the universal extension of the right of sutlrage to women means? It simpl}' means tliat the Republicans will be summai'ily dismounted from the high political eminence on which they have heretofore stood innational politics. Already the atmosphere is impregnated with Democratic suc- cess. You all know that the popular vote of this country is Democratic ; but thanks to the political foresight and sagacity of our ancestors, thanks to the providential contrivance of things, the electoral S3'stein has long saved this country from a Democratic President. If, however, married women are to l)e permitted to vote, is it not plain that our political prestige will be forever buried under the ground? Let not ISIassachu- setts establish such a dangerous ])iece(lent. Women, Mr. Pz-esident, are famous for their quick intuition, and I do not believe I exaggerate 11 when I state that their ohject m pressing the question of "• Woman Suffrage" is tlie salutary effect which tliey know it will have upon mar- riage. It will increase their chances of matrimony tenfold; everywhere Kepuhlicans and Democrats will send out missionaries to impress upon the rising generation of young voters the necessity of marrying early and often. Indeed, nothing is clean r than that it will convert this country into one vast veritable Utah: the motto of the voter will be, " So many wives, so many votes." Moreover, this right to control the votes of women is a powerful incentive to corruption, and we cannot afford to lend a hand to corruption when reform movements are crop- ping up all around us. [A sliort pause.] Recollect, gentlemen, that you are husliands — married men. Personal experience has lauglit you that all politicians are not gentlemen. "Ward roughs," I assure you, are not the most appropriate associates for your wives and daughters. The man who will administer a sound thrashing to his political opponent, will not be prone to dance attendance upon his opponent's wife; and for a woman to have an}^ connection with lings and machines is enough to sliock the feelings of a brute. But aside from the morality of this question, think of the great inconvenience inevitably consequent upon such a social revolution. Mark you, the servant-girl question is bec( ming more and more complex every da}-. You all have noticed their conspicuous absence from your households. Like the evening shadows upon the wall they come and go — only they do not tarry so long. At present you can afford to listen undisturbed to your wife's complaints over the sudden evanescence of these domestic treasures Wliy? Because, despite Bridget's or Susan's dissatisfaction with your wife's behavioi', the old love, which your courting days inspired in your breasts, still continues to linger in the lap of your heart, so long as she herself attends to the cooking. But woe to you when she comes to dabble in politi(ts or "go down town on business." Then, gentle- men, you will be told to attend to your own household duties, and you, sirs, will never be able to procure a servant-girl, for things have come to such a pass that servants require recommendations from their em- ployers — now who ever heard of a Congressman or Senator with a good recommendation ? {A short jjause.] Have you stopped to consider what you are going to do with the crying babes when your wife is at the court, aiding in the prosecution of an(jther husband for iufonticide? Do you know what it is to stand face to face with a Avoman in the trial of a case ? Have you stopped to think what a terrible obstruction tlie right of women to deliver speeches in this Assembly will be to the legisla- tive needs of this State ? Are you aware that the legislation which this Commission favors gives to women the absolute control of her own money, so that therewill be no longer any chance of reviving shattered fortunes through the instrumentality of matrimony ? Is there any man under the sun who can view this state of affairs with composure ? No doubt you think that politicians can always resort to the public funds in times of emergency. I-et me tell you, however, that in these days of re- pudiation the State treasury is the last place to look for money. [A short pause.] In view of these facts, Mr. President, I have no hesitation in saying that the laws which this Commission proposes to adojjt are in- famous. IN'o sane man would or should support such measures. The change is too sweeping. It will tax the ingenuity of our political lexicographers to invent names suitable to the changed conditions of things. What shall we call a female "wire-puller" or a woman 12 "lobbyist " ? How shall we denominate female " stalwarts " or " half- breeds"? Believe me that whatever name is determined upon, it will make Webster (either the statesman or the lexicographer, as ^-ou wish) turn tin-ice in liis grave. [He sits down.] Mr. Adams [arising]. Mr. President, I do not propose to waste time in refutintj; the s))eciousand ingenious arguments of the Senator who has just taken his seat. It is my dul3\ however, to correct some errors 'into wbicli he has fallen, and which have led him to mal^e false charges against the Commission. If the gentleman knew anything at all about the Massachusetts AVoman's Rights Association he could not have uttered such sentimental trash as "the winsome smiles of fair dam-ion — I became an attorney-at-law. Dr. Brosius. I say, Sheephead, are you connected with this case of Mr. Green's y Mr. Sheephead. Certainly, doctor. I represent Mr. Green ; Miss Mary Talker represents Miss Miiiy Morose. Dr. Brosius. My dear Sheephead, my poor fellow ! I don't envy you. I extend you my deepest sympathy. If you've taken this case on a contingent fee, you might as well make up your mind to take nothing and go. She is a most powerful speaker, a most logical reasoner, and a most shrewd manipulator. I heard it sai