PS 3545 
 .Y4 S6 
 1919 
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Smiles and Tears of 
 Foreign War 
 
 By Don A. Wyckoff 
 
 Copyright, 1919. by Don A. Wyckoff 
 
 Printed by 
 
 HERALD PUBLISHING HOUSE 
 
 LAMONI, IOWA 
 
'CU525437 
 
THE TRAINING CAMP 
 
 When Uncle Sam joined in the war 
 He made a mighty draft; 
 
 The selective, as they called it; 
 'Twas made in my behalf. 
 
 I was a lucky bird, you know, 
 
 Drew a lucky number; 
 'Twas like Yankee Doodle Doo — 
 
 Went to town on lumber. 
 
 And by and by, when the time came, 
 We called at the courthouse; 
 
 Well, there was no trial on at all — 
 Remove your shirt and blouse. 
 
 They examined our ears and eyes. 
 
 Then examined our feet. 
 They weighed us and calculated 
 
 Just how much we could eat. 
 
 They ran us through mighty lively, 
 All the good feeding class ; 
 
 They knew we could eat anything 
 From Huns to bits of glass. 
 
SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 While some had grounds of exemption, 
 
 Some physically unfit, 
 And some cried their little eyes out 
 
 Before the draft had hit. 
 
 As for myself I was quite glad 
 
 .That I could pass exam. 
 For I never was worth a cuss — 
 
 They took me as I am. 
 
 Then in the course of a few days 
 
 I got a little slip; 
 It said, "Be ready any time 
 
 To take a little trip." 
 
 Well now I was as ready then. 
 
 As I would ever be ; 
 I didn't know what the camp was like 
 
 Much less of Germany. 
 
 So one afternoon they called us 
 To come to old Mount Ayr ; 
 
 There wasn't very many of us, 
 Just six of us were there. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 
 
 We took the early morning train — 
 I felt myself real queer — 
 
 'Twas for me a new beginning, 
 Friends seemed to me real dear. 
 
 In fact, I guess I lingered long, 
 Too long for my own good, 
 
 For when I clutched onto the train 
 'Twas air there where I stood. 
 
 But by and by my feet caught up 
 With where my hand did clutch; 
 
 I said right then unto myself, 
 
 "Now don't that beat the Dutch?' 
 
 When we got into the station. 
 That is at old Des Moines, 
 
 Well, it wasn't yet so very late. 
 But we'd have liked surloins. 
 
 About two o'clock we landed 
 In our new home to dwell; 
 
 There were very few that liked it. 
 And I didn't think it swell. 
 
SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 And we went straggling up the street, 
 
 Our comfort kits in hand, 
 Soldiers at the mustering place 
 
 Made us to feel our brand. 
 
 They ran us through that station there 
 
 To our future places; 
 They've mustered many men in there. 
 
 Men of all the races. 
 
 Well, after being mustered in, 
 
 We went at our new work. 
 Although the work was new to us. 
 
 It's best that you not shirk. 
 
 First they issued out the mess kits, 
 With the knives, forks, and spoons; 
 
 Yes, the canteen cup was issued. 
 From which we drank for moons. 
 
 I ate the first meal out at camp, 
 Goodness, that tasted good; 
 
 It was late in the afternoon — 
 One reason why it should. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 
 
 The dinner consisted chiefly 
 
 Of biscuits and of hash, 
 Although I thought it mighty good, 
 
 I'd heard of army trash. 
 
 I shall never forget that meal, 
 Within that mess hall there, 
 
 For everything was nice and clean 
 Although the tables bare. 
 
 The tables were made of lumber. 
 With benches 'long the side. 
 
 And some of those were sort of rough- 
 It's best that one don't slide. 
 
 Well, after dinner that first day 
 They issued us more things; 
 
 They issued us empty bed sacks 
 For cots with springy springs. 
 
 And they also issued blankets, 
 
 Wearing apparel, too. 
 Enough of such conveniences 
 
 So as to pull us through. 
 
10 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 With such a few originals, 
 
 The first per cent to go, 
 We had lots of policing up — 
 
 We rambled to and fro. 
 
 That first day in the evening 
 
 I helped to peel the spuds, 
 After which I scrubbed the floors 
 
 With soap that would not suds. 
 
 Next day I had a better job, 
 
 'Twas scrubbing the latrine, 
 And the boys who've scrubbed as I scrubbed 
 
 Will know just what I mean. 
 
 I've gone too fast with my story 
 
 So I must meditate, 
 But after supper the first night 
 
 They worked us till quite late. 
 
 There had been few preparations. 
 
 As we were first to go. 
 And they kept us busy working 
 
 Or sign right here below. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 11 
 
 Well, after everything was through 
 
 And army chores were done, 
 Which consisted of K. P. mostly, 
 
 Preparing for the Hun. 
 
 We were lined up with our bed sacks, 
 
 Marched for about a mile, 
 Told quite frequently to hurry — 
 
 'Twas raining all the while. 
 
 We lugged our ticks to the barracks — 
 
 The night was dark outside — 
 There wasn't neighbor Jones to help us. 
 
 No one with which to ride, 
 
 And it was ten o'clock that night 
 
 When we got into our bed. 
 Well, the performance of that day 
 
 Filled us with future dread. 
 
 Had put in sixteen hours per day, 
 
 On farms we knew so well. 
 But doing it in the army 
 
 We could not live to tell. 
 
12 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 But after that 'twas shorter hours, 
 
 Fatiguing still remained, 
 And I sure got my fill of that. 
 
 For I was much untrained. 
 
 If you are not aware of that, 
 Just ask the boys who know, 
 
 .They'll be mighty glad to tell you 
 It's absolutely so. 
 
 Yes, I was the most awkward guy 
 
 Who ever tried to step; 
 If the boys had plowed corn with me 
 
 They'd had more farmer pep. 
 
 They didn't seem to appreciate 
 Those graceful strides I took. 
 
 And so when I would be marching 
 They'd just stand by and look. 
 
 When it came to getting bawlings, 
 I had the whole world beat; 
 
 They would bawl me on the drill fields, 
 They'd bawl me on the street. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 13 
 
 Sometimes I'd run the average 
 
 .To forty times or more, 
 Although no matter how I tried 
 
 I'd do just like before. 
 
 Finally got so I could step 
 
 In cadence most the time, 
 And then they brought the rifles out, 
 
 So I sure had a time. 
 
 I ne'er could bring that rifle up 
 
 As was prescribed by rules — 
 The army has a funny way 
 
 Of handling U. S. tools. 
 
 Well, they gave us all the marchings 
 
 Of the close order drill; 
 There was marching in valley 
 
 And marching on the hill. 
 
 But at first we learned the facings. 
 
 Right, left, and about face; 
 We all had to learn those items. 
 
 E'en to the colored race. 
 
14 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 And then we had both the dressings, 
 The right and left, you know. 
 
 Were combined with the squad movements- 
 It made a pretty show. 
 
 We had the bayonet practice. 
 
 My lands, I hate that truck. 
 But had we confronted the Huns 
 
 They could but trust to luck. 
 
 There also was the Semaphore, 
 
 Messages sent by flags, 
 We talked with them of the weather 
 
 And of the grassy crags. 
 
 The Wig Wag was quite similar ; 
 
 You only used one flag. 
 And when it wasn't wiggy waggy 
 
 'Twas bound to be a wag. 
 
 Yes, the buzzer was another means 
 
 Of talking without voice; 
 You could buzz or be buzzed at 
 
 As happed to be your choice. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 15 
 
 Well, excuse me for a moment, 
 
 Again I will turn back; 
 Theres some of the history waiting 
 
 Upon the old side track. 
 
 I'd forgotten about the load 
 
 Of relics left out there, 
 Though it's the very thing that caused 
 
 So many men despair. 
 
 Well, it is the vaccination 
 
 Of which I'm doomed to speak, 
 
 Though it was the situation 
 Made some of us feel weak. 
 
 The vaccination did not hurt, 
 
 The air was sort of thick. 
 And it made me feel real dizzy. 
 
 Though I really wasn't sick. 
 
 Our arms got sore and felt real bad. 
 
 Our patience felt much worse. 
 And if you'd strained your ears a bit 
 
 You might have heard some curse. 
 
16 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 But while we're reconnoitering 
 
 And taking up the lost, 
 We might as well weigh balances 
 
 And figure up the cost. 
 
 When we began our new career 
 
 We had lectures as well, 
 .They told us of the means in which 
 
 To live our lives and dwell. 
 
 They told us of the court martials 
 
 The army has in store, 
 Especially those most severe 
 
 For men in time of war. 
 
 About the one asleep on post, 
 
 A thing you must not do. 
 For when you are caught you're finished, 
 
 At least your chance is blue. 
 
 But we'll wander to the campus. 
 
 The boys are playing ball; 
 There is our old friend Westerman, 
 
 The biggest boy of all. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 17 
 
 How I would like to speak a word 
 
 For everyone of them, 
 But that lump rises in my throat, 
 
 Big as a graham gem. 
 
 So will try to console the boys 
 
 By writing merely facts. 
 And tell them never to forget 
 
 Our days of guns and packs. 
 
 As those days are quite dear to us, 
 More dear than we e'er thought, 
 
 I think it a lasting friendship 
 That ne'er will be forgot. 
 
 But I was telling of the camps 
 
 And the maneuvers there. 
 To tell the truth they are many, 
 
 They are, I do declare. 
 
 We had position exercise, 
 
 Toughened up our shoulder. 
 For when we fired that old end field 
 
 'Twas high time to hold her. 
 
18 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 Before we shot out at the range 
 We aimed across tripods, 
 
 'Twas to get the way of sighting 
 Along those old iron rods. 
 
 We shot from all positions there, 
 Prone, kneeling, and upright. 
 
 And when I would miss the target 
 That was my oversight. 
 
 I missed the target quite often, 
 My bull's eyes were quite few, 
 
 Although I made an average 
 It would but scarcely do. 
 
 Well, we shot at short distances 
 And at long range as well. 
 
 But shooting at six hundred yards 
 The red flags waved a spell. 
 
 For when one misses the target 
 Those flags are sure to wave. 
 
 And so they are not enticing, 
 But make one to look grave. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 19 
 
 But now we'll come to the gas mask, 
 
 Helpful little machine, 
 Although it hangs around your neck 
 
 And pulls upon your spleen. 
 
 'Tis a curious contraption 
 
 The canister and all, 
 If it wasn't for its helpfulness 
 
 The gas would be a wall. 
 
 It's lots of fun a-practicing 
 
 Putting on the muzzle; 
 Just put your chin way out in front, 
 
 That is half the puzzle. 
 
 And it is very difficult 
 
 To breathe, sometimes, when hot, 
 And you feel almost like dropping — 
 
 Expiring on the spot. 
 
 Well, we went through the gas chamber, 
 We wore our masks while there. 
 
 And they kept us from inhaling 
 The gas upon the air. 
 
20 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 We made three trips through the chamber, 
 
 First 'twas dangerous gas; 
 The second was not dangerous, 
 
 But the tears, oh, alas! 
 
 Yes, the second was called tear gas; 
 
 'Twas made to make one cry. 
 The dog followed us in that time, 
 
 He acted queer, but why! 
 
 We made the third trip through the place. 
 Our masks removed that time. 
 
 The tears that flowed from out our eyes 
 Were big as any dime. 
 
 That finishes up the gas mask 
 
 As far as I can tell. 
 But the man that invented gas, 
 
 I do not wish him well. 
 
 I haven't spoken of the guard duty — 
 Many times I've walked post. 
 
 Saluted all the officers 
 Who walked among the host. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 21 
 
 I've walked those posts on long, cold nights; 
 
 I've walked them through the snow; 
 I've walked them in the bitter cold, 
 
 When thirty-two below. 
 
 But the greatest inconvenience 
 
 Was being waked at night; 
 It made you feel more than ever 
 
 Like fighting for the right. 
 
 We had our lunches while on guard, 
 We ate them through the night; 
 
 No wonder we could sleep so sound, 
 .Those lunches were so light. 
 
 And then we had some little hikes — 
 We thought them large ones then — 
 
 Though they were real appetizing. 
 See what they might have been. 
 
 We hiked one day some five miles out, 
 
 'Twas in the afternoon, 
 We arrived there perspiring some, 
 
 And some were wont to swoon. 
 
22 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 We made our camp within the wood, 
 Our pup tents stretched together, 
 
 We made our bunks upon the ground — 
 Pillows made of weather. 
 
 We broke that camp next afternoon 
 And journeyed back to Dodge; 
 
 Well, the barracks looked quite welcome 
 E'en to the small garage. 
 
 Another time we hiked at night, 
 And just wound round and round; 
 
 We never stopped till we got back 
 Or we would ne'er been found. 
 
 Went for another hike one day. 
 Took onions, spuds, and meat; 
 
 And every man cooked his own chow. 
 As much as he could eat. 
 
 We hiked some more that afternoon, 
 
 Cooked our little suppers; 
 We bought some eggs at a farmhouse, 
 
 Put us on our uppers. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 23 
 
 That was the hottest day I believe 
 
 That I have ever saw; 
 Other batteries had their men 
 
 Lying in every draw. 
 
 We never had but two fall out, 
 They stayed until they dropped, 
 
 The T. M. B.'s were stepping out 
 To stay till they were stopped. 
 
 Started back about ten o'clock. 
 
 The fore part of the night. 
 And although our packs were heavy 
 
 Our little hearts were light. 
 
 Guess I've touched on most the subjects, 
 
 I think I have, I mean. 
 When I come to think about it 
 
 There was the old canteen. 
 
 Though we didn't run it very long 
 
 It was a big affair. 
 Working there when vaccinated 
 
 Would almost cause despair. 
 
24 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 And then there were the horses, too, 
 When they were mobihzed — 
 
 'Twas a relief to most the men 
 When we were motorized. 
 
 The horses then were all turned back 
 
 But one, a suicide ; 
 He broke his neck within the shed, 
 
 And that is why he died. 
 
 .This finishes up the training camp 
 
 Except the mumps I had; 
 They didn't amount to very much, 
 
 Although my face looked bad. 
 
 This puts us through the training days 
 
 Until we were entrained; 
 Although we went across to France 
 
 Memories have remained. 
 
TRIP TO FRANCE 
 
 To all those whom it may concern, 
 And to those who care to know, 
 
 I will write for each and every one, 
 A few gathered lines below. 
 
 I'm in hopes this finds you well, 
 
 As I am very sm'e it will. 
 And now as to my long, long trip, 
 
 A little black ink I'll spill. 
 
 Well, we left the camp in August, 
 Something o'er a month ago. 
 
 And rode three days across the States 
 To where the deep waters flow. 
 
 Traveling in the United States 
 
 Certainly was paradise. 
 But traveling over yonder. 
 
 Sometimes, is not very nice. 
 
 We left our previous training camp. 
 
 As I have related before, 
 And rode the United States railway 
 
 Clear to the far eastern shore. 
 
26 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 The crops within the States were good, 
 
 Although Iowa's the best, 
 For Illinois we never saw, 
 
 For in fact we were at rest. 
 
 We woke up in the morning, 
 
 Upon Indiana soil; 
 And we saw where the railsplitters 
 
 Had expired among their toil. 
 
 We alighted from the troop train, 
 And it was left upon the track; 
 
 And there a woman stood and kept 
 All the fords and autos back. 
 
 And then we exercised our limbs, 
 To say nothing of our feet. 
 
 Oh, yes, we sang a little song 
 With voices very shrill and sweet. 
 
 And the people cheered in turn, 
 With voices very much the same ; 
 
 And we were truthfully glad that we 
 Had had time to stretch our frame. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 27 
 
 And then we scrambled in the train 
 
 Which began to eat the rail, 
 The same took us to Ohio 
 
 And we bathed where large ships sail. 
 
 Then we went on into Cleveland 
 Where the Red Cross fed us pie; 
 
 They waved us all a last adieu 
 As the train was passing by. 
 
 We passed into Pennsylvania, 
 
 That State you cannot surmise, 
 Where the people live and die 
 
 As mountains fall and rise. 
 
 And New York is very much like it 
 
 In a thousand different ways, 
 As the pines grow on the hill tops 
 
 And the people in the sways. 
 
 But in the State of New Jersey, 
 
 That is, the portion we've seen. 
 Consists of very fertile valleys. 
 
 And the fields were nice and green. 
 
28 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 But to speak of New York City — 
 
 Traffic is so very great, 
 The people travel underneath 
 
 And so leave the top for freight. 
 
 Then we went across to Camp Mills, 
 To that place of long renown. 
 
 Where one went to bed a-sweating 
 Though he waked up all cooled down. 
 
 And we stayed there almost a week, 
 The airplanes buzzing around, 
 
 But when we boarded the ship 
 
 It was to change the engine's sound. 
 
 And so when we boarded the ship 
 Surely the fishes fared quite well, 
 
 For volunteers were plentiful 
 And so business went pell-mell. 
 
 Now there seemed much competition 
 Between the small and great, 
 
 And when I would open my mouth 
 I would lose all I had ate. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 29 
 
 At last one day we sighted land 
 
 And that was a glorious sight, 
 To see the land on either side 
 
 With the fields a shining bright. 
 
 And we pulled into a harbor — 
 
 It was way up in the night 
 So there we stayed until next day — 
 
 Stayed till everything was right. 
 
 So then we landed in that place 
 And there took an eight-mile hike, 
 
 And though we hiked it all afoot 
 All the natives rode a bike. 
 
 The scenery there was simply great 
 Throughout the hedges, trees, and all. 
 
 .There were flowers within each yard, 
 And vines upon each wall. 
 
 We resided there a few days. 
 There within that camp inwalled, 
 
 But we went for several hikes 
 
 And so we really were not stalled. 
 
30 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 But then we left that camp quite early 
 On a fair and cloudless morn, 
 
 And rode across a foreign land 
 Where they raise no swine or corn. 
 
 And all the houses along the road 
 Are either thatched or slaten roofed ; 
 
 And then although they have some horses 
 Most animals are cloven hoofed. 
 
 Street cars are double-decked and shorter 
 Than the ones we have at home, 
 
 And so the rich man rides below 
 With the poor guy in the dome. 
 
 Coming to our destination 
 
 We emerged from out the train 
 
 And we arrived in another camp 
 After hiking it through the rain. 
 
 Although we were only there one night 
 Next day we boarded the ship 
 
 Which bore us on our journey 
 That helped to finish our trip. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 31 
 
 And there and then we found ourselves 
 
 In a far more foreign land; 
 We journeyed across the place 
 
 In cars we could run by hand. 
 
 And we were then in a village 
 Where all the buildings were old, 
 
 And the animals and people 
 All resided in one fold. 
 
ENGLAND 
 
 England is real beautiful, 
 The garden of the world. 
 
 It stands out in its splendor, 
 Vines and flowers unfurled. 
 
 It is the prettiest place 
 
 I've ever looked upon, 
 Where many generations 
 
 Have lived though dead and gone. 
 
 I was simply mystified 
 By quaintness over there, 
 
 The holly and the ivy 
 Sure made a picture rare. 
 
 There are no words to express 
 The beauty of that place, 
 
 Although I liked that country 
 Far better than the race. 
 
 People were indifferent, 
 
 At least it seemed to me. 
 They thought that we were fighting 
 
 Just for their dignity. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 38 
 
 But I might as well tell you 
 
 Of homes in which they dwell, 
 I know naught of the inside 
 
 The outside is quite swell. 
 
 You have read in books of places 
 
 Such as Gladvale or Vin 
 But I never thought them real 
 
 Though now I know they've been. 
 
 Just hundreds of such estates 
 
 Are scattered round about, 
 And the rich man lives within 
 
 The tenant lives without. 
 
 Either homes of the tenant 
 
 Or the homes of the lord 
 Are alike with the hedges 
 
 Which they can all afford. 
 
 To begin with in that land, 
 
 The people live apart, 
 Not living with the oxen 
 
 Or with the oxen cart. 
 
34 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 Houses there are neat and trim, 
 The walls are made of brick, 
 
 Roofs are mostly made of slate 
 Which makes them all look slick. 
 
 Houses are two stories high. 
 Most all of them at least, 
 
 Not like the structures in France 
 Which are for man and beast. 
 
 Those homes are real neat and nice. 
 
 The nicest thing of all 
 Are flowers within the yard 
 
 And vines upon the wall. 
 
 Those vines cluster round those homes, 
 Some walls are hidden there. 
 
 With only doors and windows 
 Open to light and air. 
 
 We hiked along the highways 
 Which cross and intercross 
 
 As to just what road to take 
 It left us at a loss. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 35 
 
 Roads are of the winding kind 
 
 And run out every way, 
 Past the farms and down the street 
 
 To where the children play. 
 
 They run past those big estates, 
 
 Angling o'er the prairie, 
 There're roads that go toward London; 
 
 Some go towards Canterbury. 
 
 Along those rocken highways 
 
 Many trees are planted. 
 In hedges by the roadside 
 
 Songs of birds are chanted. 
 
 The whole affair thrilled my soul, 
 
 Its vines and hedges galore, 
 The flowers within the yards 
 
 I surely did adore. 
 
 One day we saw an abbey; 
 
 They claimed six hundred years 
 Had its walls been standing there 
 
 Mid England's joys and fears. 
 
36 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 It didn't look so very old, 
 
 In fact 'tis still in use, 
 Ivy clinging to its walls 
 
 With clutch one could not loose. 
 
 And just across the highway 
 There stood a chapel old. 
 
 Where many people worshiped 
 Before these days of gold. 
 
 We were ushered through the gate, 
 By Bishop Jones, I think. 
 
 He didn't introduce himself. 
 He was a mystic link. 
 
 He showed us about the church, 
 Their ways of worship there. 
 
 Old contribution boxes 
 Are something very rare. 
 
 The seats were fixed different 
 From all I've seen before. 
 
 With small doors to enter pews 
 And footstools on the floor. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 37 
 
 With up in front the pulpit, 
 
 The choir sat in the rear, 
 That's the way it looked to me 
 
 I might be wrong I fear. 
 
 They had an old pipe organ 
 
 Of which the Bible speaks. 
 I would have liked to heard it 
 
 I'm great for old-time freaks. 
 
 Old time persons buried there. 
 
 Their graves lie in the wall. 
 Their epitaphs can be read 
 
 Of persons large or small. 
 
 That church was dedicated — 
 
 Yet can we realize — 
 Some four hundred years before 
 
 Columbus found his prize. 
 
 Uon't misunderstand me, friends, 
 
 'Tis repaired now and then. 
 The bell they had at that time 
 
 May never ring again. 
 
38 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 And so it has been transformed 
 As scores of years pass by, 
 
 And if those first walls could speak 
 Quite few would make reply. 
 
 I noticed in the churchyard 
 
 As we came filing out 
 The yard was quite full of graves 
 
 The whole church round about. 
 
 I noticed on one tombstone 
 
 A very ancient date; 
 I just had time to catch it 
 
 While passing out the gate. 
 
 T'was in the fifteen hundreds 
 Though older stones are there. 
 
 I'd have liked to had more time 
 I would I do declare. 
 
 I've told you of the houses, 
 
 The vines and all those things. 
 
 All those things that make their home 
 And hold its mystic strings. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 39 
 
 But we'll journey down the street, 
 
 Along the street car line, 
 To see street cars bobbing up 
 
 Along the small incline. 
 
 Those cars are short and stubby 
 
 And are two stories high. 
 They look sort of top heavy 
 
 As they go bobbing by. 
 
 Horses there are mostly large 
 
 And draw a heavy load; 
 They work them always single 
 
 You'll see them on the road. 
 
 They draw great heavy wagons. 
 
 Which are a load alone. 
 They're heavier than the ones 
 
 The U. S. farmers own. 
 
 I think that is about all. 
 
 Of things that cheered me most, 
 And will close my gentle thoughts 
 
 To sleep among the host. 
 
FRANCE 
 
 When I left off with our travels 
 I had told you where we were, 
 
 But I ne'er explained the customs 
 Of that village and its whirr. 
 
 Or had I told you very fully 
 Of the buildings and the stock 
 
 As combined with all those people 
 Ancient as the oldest rock? 
 
 As to the trees within that country, 
 People surely take more pride 
 
 In the keeping of their woodlands 
 Than we on the U. S. side. 
 
 The fruit trees within that country 
 Are quite scarce, it seemed to me. 
 
 But the grapes within the vineyards 
 Have made up to a degree. 
 
 I'll try to explain the buildings 
 
 And inhabitants v/ithin, 
 But the subject for commencing 
 
 Makes me think and scratch my chin. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 41 
 
 Now those buildings are made of rock, 
 
 And it surely took some time, 
 To lay all of those mortared walls 
 
 In a seasoning of lime. 
 
 Some buildings though built in a line 
 Like most buildings there are built; 
 
 Are joined by uneven angles 
 
 That are much like a crazy quilt. 
 
 And leaves those little offsets, 
 
 That are filled with various things, 
 
 Maybe the manure pile cherished. 
 Perhaps water from the springs. 
 
 Now that crude and antique structure 
 
 Starts in at the ground floor. 
 And ascends clear up to a deck, 
 
 Perhaps fifteen feet or more. 
 
 Now we would simply enter in. 
 In the place where I was stored. 
 
 Through a very large and arched doorway 
 That would admit most any Ford. 
 
42 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 Now these huge and rocken doorways 
 Are inclosed with swinging doors, 
 
 These also contain a smaller one 
 For people doing chores. 
 
 We would walk into that building 
 
 Climb a ladder up to B, 
 Which consisted of a hay loft 
 
 Just above and over C. 
 
 And then up another ladder 
 
 Through a passage in the wall, 
 
 And which separated the house 
 From the stable and its all. 
 
 There I would rest in solid comfort 
 Just above the Frenchies' head, 
 
 And they would treat one very friendly 
 Though I kncAv not what was said. 
 
 I must finish up this building. 
 For I fear that it will rain, 
 
 And to be without a roofing 
 Would certainly cause us pain. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 43 
 
 Well those roofs within that country 
 
 Mostly all are made of tile, 
 And all the bracings underneath 
 
 Will certainly last a while. 
 
 The henhouse is merely a box, 
 
 And within the barn installed, 
 A small opening being left 
 
 When the barn was being walled. 
 
 And through that tiny opening. 
 
 Which is merely a small hole, 
 The chicks are doomed to go each day 
 
 While assisted by a pole. 
 
 To continue with this building, 
 
 With this home for man and beast, 
 
 There is no living thing left out 
 From the largest to the least. 
 
 And there is room for everything 
 
 There along that angling line. 
 By the way, in a darkened shed 
 
 You will find the family swine. 
 
44 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 And in the driveway of some barns 
 There will be an open shay, 
 
 Unlike the ones we have at home 
 In our little Iowa. 
 
 And the coupling pole is missing 
 Like our cutaways, it's made, 
 
 Although owing to its heaviness 
 We can lay it in the shade. 
 
 This vehicle is so very queer, 
 As queer as I've ever seen. 
 
 Well, it has a sort of hinged hood, 
 And it works much like a screen, 
 
 As it kept off the storm and cold 
 And protects one's chilling feet 
 
 The whole affair looked beautiful 
 Especially on the street. 
 
 The shafts work independently, 
 Or are neutral, I might say, 
 
 But like the Allies in this war, 
 They're both pulling the same way 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 45 
 
 A lock is furnished for that shay, 
 
 With the blocks made for the wheels 
 
 A rod runs up beneath the seat 
 And there to a crank it yields. 
 
 And their farming tools are very few, 
 
 As quite plainly could be seen, 
 I saw one day upon the street 
 
 A Deering mowing machine. 
 
 A plow and harrow I saw there. 
 
 Although of very ancient make. 
 Those with a nariow wagon bed, 
 
 And they think that they are jake. 
 
 The people thrash within their barns, 
 Their machines are run by hand. 
 
 But their harvests aren't very large 
 With fields like a garden land. 
 
 Just in little patches to and fro, 
 
 Where the grain is sowed and reaped, 
 
 And then into the village brought, 
 There within the barns is heaped. 
 
46 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 The dwelling part of that structure, 
 Where the house and barn is one, 
 
 Contains a sort of roomy fireplace, 
 The envy of the Turk and Hun. 
 
 But stoves are used within those places, 
 As fuel is as scarce as lead. 
 
 And branches bound in little bundles 
 Form the means by which it's fed. 
 
 The ground floors are mostly barren, 
 Little gates swing at the door, 
 
 And perhaps upon the outside. 
 Grapevines bear their fruit galore. 
 
 Walls within the house are plastered. 
 Great beams running overhead. 
 
 Resemble in their appearance 
 Ceilings of an old hay shed. 
 
 The windows swing on little hinges 
 Which open toward the room. 
 
 Upon that widened window sill 
 Some flowers may be in bloom, 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 47 
 
 Or it might be the family cat, 
 
 That would happen to be there, 
 Watching from out a sleepy eye 
 
 A canary in its snare. 
 
 The furnishings within those houses 
 
 Are quite often few and rare, 
 With a mantle stove and cupboard 
 
 And a chair strewn here and there. 
 
 Some other few necessities 
 
 That are helpful through their strife 
 And are handed down for ages, 
 
 A means to sustain their life. 
 
 This is the house and barn combined. 
 That of which you have been told. 
 
 Though some are built separately 
 Many are built in a double fold. 
 
 The outside of the house alone. 
 
 That is, all that I have seen. 
 To me it looked real neat and nice 
 
 And the grass was nice and green. 
 
48 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 Some buildings are dreadfully old, 
 Some giving away with age, 
 
 If one only knew their history 
 He could write by the page. 
 
 There's cellars beneath those buildings, 
 Which have entrance from the street, 
 
 Those bleak and mossy cellarways 
 Make a large and safe retreat. 
 
 But now speaking of the buildings. 
 The church there appealed to me. 
 
 And reminds us of their struggles 
 In their days of tyranny. 
 
 Well, the church is braced by pillars. 
 And they stand from out the wall. 
 
 Where they help to brace the building 
 As it holds its all in all. 
 
 And engraved within the window 
 Is the image, Virgin Mary, 
 
 And in the belfry is the bell 
 
 Which rings o'er wood and prairie. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 49 
 
 Upon the spire is a weather vane, 
 
 And then just below a clock, 
 Which indicates the hour and time 
 
 Best to feed and water stock. 
 
 And in the churchyard graves are strewn 
 With many stones and markers round; 
 
 Tells who they were and when they died 
 And, 3^es, where they may be found. 
 
 Those stones or markers are incased 
 
 In a sort of wire wreath. 
 Some have a little covering 
 
 With the wiring underneath. 
 
 O'er the country little statues 
 
 Have been erected here and there, 
 
 Which are old and mossy covered. 
 And in need of some repair. 
 
 And some stood out as a landmark 
 
 Upon most the roads we hiked. 
 But the ones beneath the shade trees 
 
 Were the ones that we most liked. 
 
50 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 And the streets within that village 
 Are rocken as are the roads, 
 
 And over those rocken highways 
 The oxen pull many loads. 
 
 The yokes are fastened to the heads 
 
 Of the oxen in that place; 
 They think that beats our olden way 
 
 Of the shoulder yoke and trace. 
 
 Their horses are used in single file, 
 For they think that shafts are best. 
 
 And when the load is very light 
 Then one horse is left to rest. 
 
 Although when the load is heavy. 
 And so very hard to freight. 
 
 They then hitch in front another horse 
 Equivalent to the weight. 
 
 Their farms, as I have said before. 
 
 Are decided garden spots. 
 The people live in the village 
 
 And go forth to farm their plots. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 51 
 
 Tobacco, spuds, and grain are grown, 
 With a pumpkin here and there. 
 
 And trees growing along the road 
 Where wild flowers scent the air. 
 
 And many brooks run through that place 
 Where geese go hither and hence, 
 
 And it passes many a bridge 
 Though very seldom a fence. 
 
 There are walls within that village. 
 And they run from street to street, 
 
 Though some of those are very low 
 Others rise to several feet. 
 
 Their stores are merely little shops 
 
 Of the combination kind. 
 And there you simply find and point 
 
 To the things you have in mind. 
 
 Wee wee, how much, and no compree 
 Are the things that come to hand. 
 
 But when you show those French notes 
 Then at once thev understand. 
 
52 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 Their wells are few, and fewer still 
 Are the ones that are in use, 
 
 Patiently upon the windlass 
 Many chains are hanging loose. 
 
 And though the curbings on those wells 
 Are just made of slabs of stone, 
 
 The well itself is rock walled 
 Like the ones our fathers own. 
 
 But in those people's modern day. 
 Most the wells are out of style. 
 
 And water from the springs does feed 
 Many fountains all the while. 
 
 And great washbasins made of stone 
 Are filled by the overflows, 
 
 And used by everyone to wash 
 
 Their dirty faces and their clothes. 
 
 The women do their washing there, 
 And seem very well content. 
 
 But if they knew the U. S. way 
 .Then they surely would lament. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR - 53 
 
 And it certainly did seem queer 
 
 To see them kneeling around 
 To wash their clothes upon a stone 
 
 Where a washboard can't be found. 
 
 And at those fountains morn and night 
 All the stock come forth to drink, 
 
 And from the way they scramble there 
 They must enjoy it, I think. 
 
 Cattle are herded through the day 
 
 By the women young and old, 
 Who knit all day and watch the herd 
 
 And then bring them to the fold. 
 
 The mayor of the town comes out 
 When something has happened new, 
 
 And yells and beats upon his drum 
 And makes an awful ado. 
 
 There's another thing that puzzles me. 
 
 People have a funny way. 
 Of working sleighbells on a horse 
 
 Regardless of any sleigh. 
 
54 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 And when the people butcher there, 
 That is, when they butcher swine, 
 
 Well, they do it with a method 
 That's different from our line. 
 
 I only saw them butcher one. 
 But it looked to me quite queer, 
 
 And we all stood around and watched 
 Though we did not interfere. 
 
 Well, they stuck the poor old fellow. 
 And they caught it while he died. 
 
 All the blood that kept him living 
 While upon the living side. 
 
 And when he had totally expired, 
 All the life from him had gone. 
 
 The Frenchie built a little fire 
 And they laid him thereupon. 
 
 And they singed all the bristles off. 
 Off with little wisps of straw. 
 
 They singed him very nice and brown. 
 Then brought water from the draw. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 55 
 
 And they washed and scraped him off 
 
 As the very best they could, 
 And when at last they had finished 
 
 Then their pork was very good. 
 
 In finishing up my story 
 
 There's one thing I most forgot, 
 So will stop and write about it 
 
 Right at once upon the spot. 
 
 So when you feel you are distressed. 
 
 And you sort of have the blues. 
 Don't think you are poorly dressed 
 
 But think of those wooden shoes. 
 
 Now those shoes were made for service, 
 And they surely stand the wear, 
 
 Although to wear them all one's life 
 Would certainly cause despair. 
 
 But they wear them from early morn 
 
 Till the hour for their repose, 
 As this covers most the subjects, 
 
 I believe that I will close. 
 
OUR RETURN TRIP 
 
 Now of our return homeward trip 
 I shall write with throbbing brain, 
 
 And in France we rode in box cars, 
 But upon a U. S. train. 
 
 For all things looked quite inviting 
 
 With insignia U. S. A., 
 Although it might be in box cars 
 
 While returning day by day. 
 
 We were loaded in those box cars 
 
 The capacity to fill, 
 And when I tramped upon Jim's feet 
 
 He would look at me quite ill. 
 
 And then many of them complained, 
 And claimed they hadn't room. 
 
 And they tried to drown our sunshine 
 With their cloudiness and gloom. 
 
 It was raining in the evening 
 When we loaded in the train. 
 
 And the pattering of rain drops 
 Made a lullabye refrain. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 57 
 
 Then we went to bed, by gracious, 
 
 And how close we cuddled up, 
 You would think that we'd been drinking 
 
 From the same canteen and cup. 
 
 And we lived upon our rations — 
 Hardtack tasted mighty good — 
 
 The construction of those crackers. 
 Like Wilson, would need the wood. 
 
 Corned beef was appreciated, 
 
 And the boys were on the job; 
 When they attacked a can of beef 
 
 And there might have been a mob. 
 
 Pork and beans were quite consoling. 
 
 When we haped to get a can. 
 And we sat around consuming 
 
 With our beans upon a pan. 
 
 And we didn't do much fatiguing, 
 Though our appetites were great; 
 
 Our capacity was limited. 
 Although quite up to date. 
 
58 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 Well, we continued on our journey, 
 And it rained from time to time; 
 
 And sometimes though simply pouring 
 The sun would be doomed to shine. 
 
 We continued on our journey, 
 With the shore to gain at last; 
 
 But owing to the traffic 
 
 Our progress wasn't very fast. 
 
 Although we traveled from the east 
 Clear out to the western side, 
 
 There's naught contained within that land 
 Could equal America's pride. 
 
 Though the pastures were nice and green. 
 The rain would come drizzling down; 
 
 And would make them seem more dreary 
 Than our fields of wintered brown. 
 
 At last we came to a rest camp, 
 And its name they called it Brest; 
 
 So what the privates couldn't do. 
 Then the noncoms did the rest. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 59 
 
 They would fatigue us every day 
 From early morning until night, 
 
 But they didn't work us very hard 
 As they surely treat one white. 
 
 But the greatest difficulty 
 
 Was the drying of our clothes; 
 For all the moisture coming through, 
 
 Surely dampened up our hose. 
 
 Though it may seem to you quite queer, 
 We would wear them through the night ; 
 
 They would dry out very nicely 
 In our blankets wrapped up tight. 
 
 But regardless of the muck 
 
 And the mud we wallowed through. 
 We very seldom caught a cold, 
 
 To say nothing of the flu. 
 
 We just simply lived with nature 
 
 In our little tents out there; 
 And quite many were the rainfalls 
 
 That would freshen up the air. 
 
I SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 And standing in the mess line, 
 From quite early until late, 
 
 Was so very inconvenient, 
 Very far from up to date. 
 
 In mud we waited patiently, 
 Behind many hundreds there. 
 
 Who would rush into the mess hall 
 With their hunger to repair. 
 
 And the eats within those kitchens 
 Were quite often very slim. 
 
 With the slimy slum and coffee 
 All served by a waiter grim. 
 
 And we ambled through the runways. 
 Also through the kitchen, too, 
 
 So we ambled through more runways 
 To the mess hall with our stew. 
 
 We stood up within those mess halls. 
 Many times in mud we stood, 
 
 But regardless of surroundings 
 
 More slum would have tasted good. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 61 
 
 But we simply ate our portion 
 
 And then ambled on our way, 
 For it kept us busy ambling 
 
 And fatiguing every day. 
 
 Now if you ever go to Brest 
 
 I think you had better be 
 A civilian in the suburbs, 
 
 For B-rest spells Brest, you see. 
 
 But now who put the rest in Brest 
 
 Is a thing I cannot tell, 
 For working there is bad enough, 
 
 Although resting would be h — 1. 
 
 At last one day the word came in 
 
 That we were going to sail, 
 Although it proved to be the truth 
 
 It was like a fairy tale. 
 
 We rolled our packs very early. 
 
 Long before the light of day, 
 Through mud we hiked it to the docks. 
 
 Though real cheery was the way. 
 
62 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 We loaded ourselves in a boat 
 .That carried us from the shore, 
 
 And we left the mud behind us 
 Although many feet were sore. 
 
 But then very soon we sighted 
 Quite a large and shapely ship. 
 
 It was Kaiser Wilhelm Second 
 Minus Wilhelm on the trip. 
 
 When the Yankees took it over, 
 Why, they changed its little name; 
 
 They called it the Agemnon, 
 
 Though Wilhelm is not to blame. 
 
 But it is quite well constructed. 
 
 And of tremendous size; 
 The benefit it offers us 
 
 Can Wilhelm quite realize? 
 
 The ship had been renovated 
 
 Of the German fragments there, 
 
 And the compartments ventilated 
 So the Yankees breathed fresh air. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 63 
 
 Regardless of convenience, 
 
 Though it seemed hke paradise, 
 Seasickness is coming aboard 
 
 Regardless of any price. 
 
 But on my trip across to France — 
 
 Excuse me for butting in — 
 The ship was run by foreigners 
 
 And the crew were Chinamen. 
 
 I think that's enough to tell you 
 
 Of our trip and of our plight, 
 But they must have thought us kinsmen 
 
 And forgot that we were white. 
 
 Now just another little verse while 
 
 I intrude upon good things, 
 But my thoughts are leaping madly 
 
 And my anger often springs. 
 
 The foreigners who run that ship. 
 Although paid to feed white men, 
 
 But now for the way they fed us 
 We can lick the boobs again. 
 
64 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 I'll return to the homeward trip 
 And think of all that is well, 
 
 Seasickness will come and go 
 
 Though it sure makes one feel swell. 
 
 While the feeding of the fishes 
 
 Was a great relief to me, 
 Just the very act of giving 
 
 All I'd ate to charity. 
 
 But aboard the Agemnon — 
 
 It was run by Uncle Sam, 
 And the chuck was appetizing 
 
 From the spuds up to the jam. 
 
 To the feeding of the fishes. 
 
 Going o'er I'd done right smart; 
 
 Just one day on board returning 
 Did I and charity take part. 
 
 Some of the boys were pretty sick. 
 Or, at least, they thought they were; 
 
 They would lay all day in their bunks 
 And would scarcely make a stir. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 65 
 
 The greatest cure for those sick guys 
 
 Was the seeing of dry land, 
 And once again they reunite 
 
 With our happy little band. 
 
 Then we landed in Hoboken, 
 
 It was on a Sunday noon, 
 Liberty Statue left behind, 
 
 That would welcome others soon. 
 
 The Red Cross was quite liberal 
 
 With coffee, cakes, and candy; 
 It made our very souls to ring 
 
 With Yankee Doodle Dandy. 
 
 We loaded on a U. S. train. 
 
 En route to old Camp Merritt; 
 And so our very souls were thrilled. 
 
 We jabbered hke a parrot. 
 
 A seat within a home-bound car 
 
 Never looked as good as those. 
 And so we just unslung our packs 
 
 While we sat down where we chose. 
 
66 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 It certainly seemed very grand 
 Being home with Uncle Sam, 
 
 Where you could see U. S. houses, 
 Not big structures in a jamb. 
 
 Arriving at the railroad stop 
 We then hiked it into camp; 
 
 And they served a goodly supper 
 That well paid us for our tramp. 
 
 Camp Merritt is the nicest camp, 
 
 Perhaps I've ever seen, 
 The ground was frozen up and dry. 
 
 And the buildings painted green. 
 
 It has all the modern comforts 
 Of which a camp comprises, 
 
 There're canteens all, the Merritt hall. 
 And Y's of various sizes. 
 
 Well, we were there about five days, 
 And we took the cootie cure. 
 
 Although they had not prospered much 
 It was best that we be sure. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 67 
 
 And they pressed our clothes up nicely 
 In the steam they put them through, 
 
 But when the presser tries his luck 
 It's best that you skidoo. 
 
 When we left this cheery place, 
 Well, we left behind some men, 
 
 But we left them with the feeling 
 Of a meeting once again. 
 
 They were sent to different camps 
 Where they would be mustered out, 
 
 And I wish them thrilling success 
 In the things they go about. 
 
 And then we went aboard the train 
 On the New York Central line. 
 
 It's the best road I ever saw. 
 
 And things went just simply fine. 
 
 .Though we didn't leave till Friday, 
 
 In the afternoon quite late. 
 We certainly hit a liner 
 
 That put locals out of date. 
 
68 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 We wound around the Hudson River 
 For quite a number of miles, 
 
 We were feeling quite light-hearted, 
 Very many were our smiles. 
 
 And we passed into the tunnels, 
 
 There along the river side ; 
 Those tunnels are so very short 
 
 That a train could scarcely hide. 
 
 It was quite beautiful to see, 
 
 With the train a-winding round, 
 
 Clinging there to a bit of earth 
 Where a road bed could be found. 
 
 But where no road bed could be had, 
 Then a tunnel there must be, 
 
 So that traffic on the railroad 
 
 Competes with that upon the sea. 
 
 So then we passed along the lakes, 
 And how wet that water looked ; 
 
 It made us all have remembrance 
 Of that food that was steam cooked. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 69 
 
 We ate our supper on the train, 
 
 While they brought it down the aisle, 
 
 And we ate from out our mess kits, 
 Now, I claim that was some style. 
 
 We went to bed very early. 
 
 For to dedicate our berth. 
 As sleeping there's quite different 
 
 From sleeping on the earth. 
 
 We awoke up in the morning 
 
 In Ohio's gracious bounds, 
 Very many were the cities 
 
 To say nothing of the towns. 
 
 In Cleveland we stayed for a spell. 
 Where the Red Cross had supplies; 
 
 They bandaged up our appetites 
 With coffee, candy, and pies. 
 
 We got on the train and beat it, 
 
 While cheering the Red Cross there; 
 
 They've certainly got it coming, 
 For they're to all despair. 
 
70 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 You have got to hand it to them, 
 For no matter where you are, 
 
 No matter what your trouble is 
 
 They're a bright and morning star. 
 
 We passed into Indiana, 
 
 Then on into Illinois, 
 To have gone through there in daylight 
 
 Would have been my joy of joys. 
 
 Crossing the bridge at Davenport, 
 I was Avakened by the crowd; 
 
 Our boys who came from Davenport 
 Were certainly talking loud. 
 
 My bunkie also had awoke, 
 
 And we looked from out the train; 
 
 Well, we saw a couple of ladies. 
 And we saw them not in vain. 
 
 Well, we opened up the window. 
 And we shook them by the hand; 
 
 Just then the train went whizzing on 
 To a still more welcome land. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 71 
 
 Well, Sunday morning we rolled in — 
 
 Rolled into Des Moines for fair, 
 Although just into the suburbs 
 
 For Camp Dodge we changed cars there. 
 
 Then we arrived in old Camp Dodge — 
 
 It was at the noonday hour — 
 And though we hiked it for a ways, 
 
 It was not so very far. 
 
 We were showed into a barrack, 
 
 And we quickly seized a cot, 
 Depositing packs upon them 
 
 Right at once upon the spot. 
 
 .Then we lined up for our dinner, 
 
 And of course it was not much; 
 The}^ said that we were not expected. 
 
 So they just had such and such. 
 
 And that week was the longest week 
 
 That I have ever put in. 
 For we were always sticking round 
 
 Just to do what might have been. 
 
72 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 They kept us in a sort of trance 
 From the time we landed there; 
 
 Those birds who never saw a sea 
 
 Must have thought that we were rare. 
 
 Well, the days dragged on quite slowly 
 
 Until Friday, by the way. 
 At the theater that p. m. 
 
 We all sat and watched the play. 
 
 Well, the play was very, very good, 
 
 And interesting as well ; 
 Part of it was not so snappy 
 
 Although other parts were swell. 
 
 But for something very common 
 All the water tricks were there, 
 
 ^Vhen it came to fooling many, 
 For it looked like something rare. 
 
 And after the play was over 
 We all gathered out in front, 
 
 Where we waited for more orders 
 As concernino' the next stunt. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 73 
 
 We were released for half an hour 
 
 To meander where we might, 
 But we gathered on the corner 
 
 Just as it was coming night. 
 
 Yes, we gathered there in column 
 And we marched on up the street, 
 
 Where we turned around a corner 
 In an entrance made retreat. 
 
 Through the doors of the Des Moines Club, 
 Where a private ne'er had trod, 
 
 Although we were all admitted 
 From clod hopper to the clod. 
 
 We spent a joyful evening there, 
 
 Our last to be together, 
 There were old rookies like myself, 
 
 And birds of every feather. 
 
 Though I spoke of the joyful evening, 
 I will have to change that phrase. 
 
 Although we all enjoyed ourselves. 
 It ended our comrade days. 
 
74 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 I don't believe there was an ounce 
 Of old malice there that night; 
 
 There's never any need of it 
 If a man is only white. 
 
 Although a fellow gets his dues 
 In a way he thinks severe, 
 
 He is bound to make a soldier 
 If he'll only persevere. 
 
 The banquet was a thing sedate, 
 And with waiters there galore 
 
 Who served the courses round to us 
 As they glided o'er the floor. 
 
 And the fare consisted mostly 
 Of courses, as I have said, 
 
 And they passed the candy around 
 When I ate till almost dead. 
 
 And then when the feed was over 
 The officers spoke to us all, 
 
 From general down to noncoms, 
 And officers short and tall. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 75 
 
 They spoke to us of the future, 
 
 The past and the time at hand, 
 Their thoughts were quite encouraging. 
 
 And will help us in our stand. 
 
 After the banquet came the dance. 
 For those who cared to go, 
 
 But those who didn't care to stay- 
 Could meander to and fro. 
 
 Next morning we were mustered out, 
 
 Although anxious to be gone, 
 There was some miscalculating 
 
 To that lump we swallowed on. 
 
 It was like breaking up a home. 
 
 And we never realized 
 That we had an ingrown friendship 
 
 That we dared not criticize. 
 
 And I had thought my days of tears 
 
 Were a thing of the long past. 
 Although that tender spot is there. 
 
 And I think that it will last. 
 
THE KAISER'S QUARREL 
 
 Satan and Wilhelm had a fuss, 
 
 Says Satan, "We'll have it through, 
 
 Although you've bested my cunning, 
 To me you have been untrue. 
 
 "You went far beyond my limit, 
 In this war you have construed. 
 
 Though you thought yourself quite brainy 
 Time has proved you're not so shrewd. 
 
 "Also, from the very beginning. 
 Clear up to the present time. 
 
 You have pulled off many boners 
 That I would myself call crime. 
 
 "You killed those innocent Belgians 
 And destroyed their homes and stock. 
 
 And caused the world such suffering 
 As would give my nerves a shock. 
 
 "You started in the beginning 
 
 All the world to domineer. 
 But by the God Almighty's help 
 
 You have lost your great career. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 77 
 
 "You thought you would trick the Frenchmen 
 As you tricked the Belgians there, 
 
 While holding them in subjection 
 Until driven to despair. 
 
 "You worked Austria and Turkey, too, 
 And kept them under your thumb. 
 
 And like some dog with its master. 
 When you whistled they must come. 
 
 "While you held them in submission, 
 And you kept them from their peace. 
 
 Although you pretended friendship 
 It was only for their fleece. 
 
 "You dragged them into your service. 
 
 To help with your submarines 
 And all other hideous constructions 
 
 Of your hfe and death machines. 
 
 "And laughing you sent some sailing 
 
 In Zeppelins o'er the earth. 
 Once where you laughed at your sowing 
 
 I no longer hear your mirth." 
 
78 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 Old Wilhelm looked at the Devil, 
 
 On his face a look despair, 
 He said, "I'm a good old wagon 
 
 But I'll own I need repair. 
 
 "All of my physical being 
 Is sure shaken by the strain. 
 
 And to shoulder all my burdens 
 Will require another brain. 
 
 "Of my doings you have chided. 
 Which I do not think is fair. 
 
 For I whipped those poor old Belgians 
 And I caused the French despair. 
 
 "I think I should have some credit 
 For the wrong that I have done. 
 
 And but for those darned old Yankees 
 I certainly would have won. 
 
 "When I had things nicely started, 
 With the Allies on the run. 
 
 Along comes old America 
 
 And turns tables on the Hun. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 79 
 
 *'So it was neither fair nor square 
 
 For the world to muster in, 
 While they certainly cooped me up 
 
 Mid the cannon's glare and din. 
 
 "My long years of preparation 
 Were sure shattered by the mob, 
 
 And so, when I sprung new terrors, 
 The Yankees were on the job. 
 
 "The more I would try to trick them. 
 Then the more they seemed to hum; 
 
 The way they gained the finish 
 I was sure my time had come. 
 
 "I tricked the Allies every way 
 
 Any human mind could think, 
 And though I've bound them hand and foot 
 
 They have broken every link. 
 
 "They've torn down fortifications 
 Upon which I've worked for years. 
 
 When I would try to frighten them. 
 They would seem to have no fears." 
 
80 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 Says Satan, "Come down from your perch, 
 And yet we might compromise. 
 
 Come back to earth with your chewing 
 And bite off a chew life size; 
 
 "For it is plain to see you've bitten 
 Off far more than you can chew. 
 
 And though j^our fever is rising 
 I will try to pull you through. 
 
 "But once where your big guns thundered, 
 And you challenged the world to come, 
 
 Then you found that you had blundered 
 For the world was coming some. 
 
 "Though I think that you are ruined, 
 
 As far as your honor stands, 
 I am willing to help you out 
 
 If the blood be on your hands. 
 
 "And all the blood shall surely be 
 Stamped upon your hands, you know, 
 
 For in all my deals and dealings 
 There's no equal down below, 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 81 
 
 "To your treachery and folly, 
 
 To your hatred of mankind, 
 Though I've got to give you credit 
 
 For no truth could sear your mind. 
 
 "In your purpose you persisted 
 
 Like a man gone fairly mad. 
 But the end will be your finish, 
 
 And the world will all be glad. 
 
 "Though you would insist on fighting. 
 In your heart you'd gone to staves. 
 
 And your subjects gone before you 
 To their poor, untimely graves. 
 
 "You have sent men to my portals. 
 You yourself shall pay the price, 
 
 Though your earthly dealings with them 
 Made my hell seem paradise. 
 
 "Some of the poor and wretched ones 
 
 Seem to fairly praise me here, 
 But some of the real old hard boils, 
 
 Like yourself, would domineer." 
 
82 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 The Kaiser roused from his stupor 
 And his chest was sunken in, 
 
 He sat his elbows on his knees 
 And pondered it o'er again. 
 
 Then he drew himself up slowly, 
 
 As a man of many years. 
 His stubborn will is returning 
 
 As he tries to drown his fears. 
 
 He roused once more for the struggle 
 That would name him man of men; 
 
 Although he knew not the future, 
 The past he knew was has been. 
 
 The future stood out before him, 
 Its history on earth was named. 
 
 And on the day is was christened 
 Was the day that Bill was lamed. 
 
 That his earthly career was ended. 
 Bill had known without a doubt. 
 
 And though he could not rule within 
 Determined to rule without. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 83 
 
 And so angered by old Satan, 
 
 The fellow who ruled below, 
 Determined to strike that sector 
 
 A final and lasting blow. 
 
 And his eyes, they glare at Satan, 
 
 As he says, "I've failed on men. 
 After leaving earth I'm going 
 
 To rule dumb creatures again. 
 
 "Though I've failed above in battle. 
 
 Loss above means gain below, 
 And so when I cross your threshold 
 
 It will mean for you to go. 
 
 "With my military experience, 
 
 Though you know I have been tricked, 
 
 If the Allies hadn't doubled up 
 I certainly had them hcked. 
 
 "So you see I will simply turn 
 
 AU my knowledge loose down there; 
 
 You had better take this warning 
 And then get ready to repair." 
 
84 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 The Kaiser's bluff had surely worked, 
 For the Devil knew him well, 
 
 And by knowing in his province 
 That so many Huns did dwell. 
 
 Knowing that a revolution, 
 Now against him by the mob. 
 
 Would be rung in very shortly 
 With the Kaiser on the job. 
 
 Being worried by the torture 
 Of the Kaiser's allies there. 
 
 He slowly turns to Bill the keys 
 As his voice says in despair, 
 
 "I've been ruler for many years 
 In this place of tortured men. 
 
 But 1 now leave it all to you, 
 Never to return again. 
 
 "But when it comes to cursedness 
 You're the lowest simp I know. 
 
 I hope my home is hot enough 
 To keep both your cheeks aglow. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 85 
 
 "And to keep your fighting spirit 
 Clear up to the highest pitch, 
 
 And when you try to domineer 
 They will lay you in the ditch. 
 
 "And as I am leaving you now, 
 I shall bid you all good-by. 
 
 Although to this farewell parting 
 I shall ask for no reply. 
 
 "So I shall simply leave you now 
 With a portion of brimstone, 
 
 But in my new and future home 
 I shall wish to dwell alone." 
 
WHY THE KAISER QUIT 
 
 You wonder why, as much as I, 
 
 The Kaiser quit his throne, 
 But by the by, he did rely 
 
 Too much upon his own. 
 
 I have no doubt he started out 
 
 With great prospects in view. 
 Not being stout he got the gout, 
 
 And thought he had the flu. 
 
 He started through with mighty crew 
 
 To trample down the world. 
 But never knew the might of few 
 
 Until in Belgium hurled. 
 
 Though he killed them and he grilled them 
 They fought for freedom's right. 
 
 Though he killed them there in Belgium 
 They showed him of their might. 
 
 When he had swept where Belgians wept 
 
 The country free of life. 
 Then on he crept where France had slept. 
 
 To cause the Frenchman strife. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 87 
 
 His blows repeat the French retreat, 
 
 But slower than at first. 
 Bill thinks they're beat, sees no defeat, 
 
 Although he could have cursed. 
 
 He was creeping, the world sleeping, 
 
 'Twas not as he desired. 
 His Gott peeping, Satan keeping 
 
 .The fires of hell well fired. 
 
 The French stand pat, or nearly that, 
 
 Horrors of war are on. 
 He gives a pat to his old hat 
 
 And says, "Now world be gone." 
 
 And with his gas they went like grass 
 
 Before the scythe of death; 
 And with his brass combined with glass 
 
 Were doomed to die at breath. 
 
 All things of war he had in store 
 
 To help him on his quest. 
 If not before he'd have stopped war 
 
 When he arrived at Brest. 
 
88 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 But as it was, with head abuzz, 
 
 And business he knew not, 
 His head of fuzz found out that 'twas 
 
 A game that all could plot. 
 
 He did real well with shot and shell 
 
 When first the war begun; 
 He found it hell, in which to dwell. 
 
 Before the war was done. 
 
 He bombed from air, till past repair. 
 
 The towns within his reach, 
 And people there died in despair. 
 
 He only laughed at each. 
 
 To those distressed, who were half dressed. 
 
 He cast a cruel eye; 
 Says, "I'll be blessed, you have confessed. 
 
 Begone, you beggars, die!" 
 
 His cruel hand, e'en in his land, 
 Was thought a taloned thing. 
 
 And his large band in his command 
 Were merely held by string. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 89 
 
 Some people there, I do declare, 
 
 For some are surely white. 
 Have breathed fresh air, mid the stench there, 
 
 And prayed for freedom's light. 
 
 Then with the pull came Johnny Bull, 
 
 To help stop the destruction. 
 It was a pull till John got full — 
 
 France called that abduction. 
 
 Then Bill began and on it ran. 
 
 The sinking of our ships. 
 He says I'll man if I but can 
 
 The ones that don't go tips; 
 
 And then it came — now, who's to blame 
 
 For things that came to pass? 
 We called it shame, now Bill the same. 
 
 But he was out of class. 
 
 He sank our ships and stopped their trips 
 
 And lives and stores as well. 
 He sank our ships and smacked his lips, 
 
 And wished them all in hell. 
 
90 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 He merely scoffed, with head aloft, 
 And says, "That Yankee truck." 
 
 Well, then he hoffed, but now he's coughed. 
 But says it's merely luck. 
 
 We had scorned him, we had warned him, 
 
 He'd promised to be good; 
 When we scorned him should adorned him 
 
 With bricks right where he stood. 
 
 And with a rock, right on his block, 
 
 A mason close at hand 
 To hold a lock his topmost shock 
 
 Cemented to the land. 
 
 He thought us fools, or some such tools, 
 
 And he went on and on. 
 But with our mules mid ridicules 
 
 The U. S. boys were gone. 
 
 The Kaiser found we had not drowned 
 
 As he had said we should; 
 He found us round upon the ground 
 
 Where once his men had stood. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 91 
 
 For what he'd done the Kaiser's Hun, 
 
 And all his men as well, 
 Had been great fun till we begun 
 
 To show him where to dwell. 
 
 Although at first the Kaiser cursed 
 
 And swore we could not do, 
 It was the worst he had rehearsed 
 
 When he had it to chew. 
 
 He thought awhile how to beguile 
 
 Boys there in the trenches. 
 They march in file or any style 
 
 Forward through the stenches. 
 
 With look quite stern they never turn 
 
 Backward in a battle. 
 Their hearts all yearn to fairly churn 
 
 Wilhelm and his cattle. 
 
 Well they bored him, and they gored him. 
 
 They drove him to Jespair; 
 And they floored him, they abhored him 
 
 Until he did repair. 
 
92 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 It seemed a task but God could ask 
 
 The winning of the war, 
 But with the mask they won the task 
 
 As we have won before. 
 
 They fired them well, the shot and shell, 
 
 Regardless of the lost; 
 They gave them hell, if I must tell, 
 
 Not stopping for the cost. 
 
 They struggled on lest all be gone, 
 
 With death tools set to work. 
 The fight was on until the dawn 
 
 When darkness had to lurk. 
 
 They fell around upon the ground 
 Where Wilhelm won but naught, 
 
 But they were bound for freedom's ground 
 Where freedom could be wrought. 
 
 The shrapnel shrieked where comrades reeked 
 
 In agony of pain. 
 And their wound leaked ; the Red Cross seeked 
 
 To help them not in vain. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 93 
 
 The boys who fought are ones who've got 
 
 A glory all their own, 
 But have we thought in some lone spot 
 
 There many lie alone? 
 
 It breaks the heart of those who are 
 
 The loved ones of the dead. 
 It cheers in part that broken heart 
 
 To think of why he bled. 
 
 He died to fill the good Lord's will, 
 
 No nobler death can be ; 
 He gave with will life's precious mill 
 
 A grist for harmony. 
 
 I can't express the preciousness 
 
 Of memories of the dead, 
 Should not distress the righteousness 
 
 Of those for whom he bled. 
 
 It should tender and so render 
 
 Great thoughts for those who give. 
 
 If in splendor should surrender 
 And do more while we live. 
 
94 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 But the Kaiser got much wiser 
 Right when the Yanks stepped in, 
 
 Thought us Hizzer oversizer 
 And says the wars begin. 
 
 They threw it back, a heap more black 
 
 Gas he had invented. 
 And he felt slack — just sort of lack — 
 
 When it was presented. 
 
 And more and more the cannon's roar 
 Sent chills clear up his spine; 
 
 It was in store as ne'er before 
 This dope to make him whine. 
 
 There was the fall of Norman Hall; 
 
 Before he fell he'd made 
 A barrier wall to Bill quite tall 
 
 And this he would evade. 
 
 The rifles fire the Yanks' desire, 
 
 The bayonet as well ; 
 T'was to the squire another lyre 
 
 Of music not so swell. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR Dr) 
 
 The hand grenade he would evade, 
 
 At least he tried his best, 
 But where he stayed could promenade 
 
 Although he got no rest. 
 
 But in the end had changed his blend 
 
 A milder brand he is, 
 I'd just pretend and never send 
 
 My name if it was his. 
 
 Well this is why or my reply 
 
 To why the Kaiser quit, 
 He saw as I he must comply 
 
 And do what he saw fit. 
 
 He flew about and started out 
 
 A refuge for to find ; 
 He met a scout, a U. S. trout. 
 
 Who says, "Have you gone blind?" 
 
 He went to dwell in Holland's dell, 
 
 A place too good I vow, 
 He'll live a spell perhaps in hell, 
 
 I'm sure I don't know how. 
 
THE SLACKER 
 
 Now in the world are things unfurled 
 
 Such as the Stars and Stripes; 
 There are men old as I've been told 
 
 Who smoke cigars and pipes. 
 
 There are men young who've oft been stung, 
 
 Thought they were the fellow; 
 It came to war they were no more 
 
 So were branded yellow. 
 
 And yellow means no pork and beans 
 
 For him that stayed at home, 
 Thinks it funny, gets no honey. 
 
 But chews upon the comb. 
 
 He thinks he's lost and without cost 
 
 His honor now at hand ; 
 Though he wishes well himself to dwell 
 
 He's of the yellow brand. 
 
 There's him of pains who oft complains: 
 
 If real I sympathize, 
 But him in doubt, the guy who's stout, 
 
 Of him I criticize. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 97 
 
 There's the fellow who is yellow, 
 
 Who was ne'er sick before, 
 But when drafted fever wafted 
 
 He caught the pinafore. 
 
 At least he tried to win a bride — 
 
 Means of his exemption — 
 But here's to her who'd marry him 
 
 Just for his redemption. 
 
 But there are those who would have chose 
 
 To have been selected; 
 They have my will; I trust them still, 
 
 .They should be respected. 
 
 The guy I mean of crepe de chine 
 
 Who thought himself a sport, 
 But when asked why he looks so shy 
 
 And says, "I was too short." 
 
 There're others, too, who got quite blue, 
 
 And viewed their last remains, 
 But up till that under their hat 
 
 They'd never had those pains. 
 
TIME 
 
 As I have written of the war 
 All the things that are in store, 
 From the Kaiser's throne invaded 
 Until he was degraded. 
 
 But I must write of peace time facts, 
 What time has, and what it lacks ; 
 Now the clock has two willing hands 
 Lacks a voice to give commands. 
 
 But regardless of all machines 
 Time ne'er slacks by any means — 
 Yes, time goes on the whole day through 
 Is not run by human crew. 
 
 No human mind can e'er command 
 Time that passes o'er the land, 
 Though people live all kinds of lives 
 Time is for him that survives. 
 
 And whether their hves are cheery. 
 Or be their paths quite dreary; 
 Every day does the time pass on. 
 There's the dark and there's the dawn. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 99 
 
 Days they come, and days have gone, 
 Time just passes on and on. 
 You cannot beat time if ybu would. 
 Compromise is understood. 
 
 Though time may have a funny face, 
 Knows just how to keep its place, 
 T'was never known to interfere, 
 But time lost is very dear. 
 
 Though time abides in all this land 
 'Tis not run by human hand; 
 Higher power although unseen. 
 Has sole rule of time machine. 
 
 .The only way we can abate. 
 Be there early don't be late. 
 Yes, always try and be on time. 
 Lateness is our greatest crime. 
 
 Why do it now ? To-day is best, 
 Future dreams just call for rest. 
 Some day I believe that I'll try 
 Will do for days long gone by. 
 
100 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 That is a phrase we must not use 
 Upon its bounds we can but loose. 
 Just start to-da}^ as I have said, 
 'Tis to-day our hopes are fed. 
 
 Our futures are a promise now, 
 Ways are clear we must find how; 
 Just figure what your life is for 
 Many people go ashore. 
 
 They know what they would like the best, 
 Always have lived lives distressed; 
 'Twas just because they thought some day 
 They'd change jobs for better pay. 
 
 But that motto of future date 
 Is a thing I surely hate, 
 I've practiced it for many years 
 And I know it domineers. 
 
 Self-confidence is what we need, 
 Self-consciousness is poor seed; 
 And so many lives been wasted, 
 For failure they have tasted. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 101 
 
 Their lives are spent so many times — 
 Lives that have for them no chimes — 
 Same old place where their fathers dwelled, 
 Same old job their fathers held. 
 
 The farmer's life looks good to me — 
 Eats they have the harmony. 
 Many folks are trying to do 
 Jobs to which they can't prove true. 
 
 Other jobs if but alive, 
 Many failures could but thrive, 
 So many people fear the test 
 Petting resources to the best. 
 
 They fear the ridicule of men, 
 Go back to old jobs again, 
 Sink into the same old rut — 
 Live in only God knows what. 
 
 I started out to write on time. 
 Told the cause of seeming crime. 
 Too many feel the way is lost. 
 And wouldn't stick at any cost. 
 
102 SMILES AND TEARS 
 
 While they themselves are but to blame, 
 Aiming with too high an aim, 
 Building their castles far too high, 
 Falling down and shattered lie. 
 
 Poverty, too, has kept man down; 
 Tries to live in some small town, 
 And lives each day from hand to mouth 
 E'en his work is stopped by drouth. 
 
 And money is what all adore, 
 Those that have it want some more. 
 All people seem to crave it so. 
 Some that get it won't let go. 
 
 They freeze to it like so much lead. 
 They'll let go when they are dead. 
 Some other one will have it then. 
 Other than our old friend Ben. 
 
 So after all the joy of life 
 Is wrought through our every strife, 
 The poor are happy as can be 
 When not in dire poverty. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 103 
 
 Although some rich enjoy their stores 
 Common wealth lives best indoors 
 It makes a fireside far more bright 
 Sheltering inmates through the night. 
 
 I've changed my subject now and then 
 Telling of time and of men, 
 Told of things as appeared to me, 
 Summed them up to my degree. 
 
 Perhaps the thoughts of others run 
 Back to days of Washington; 
 The people lived more common then — 
 Made the world what it has been. 
 
 This brings me back to time once more, 
 Brings thoughts of that old-time war; 
 Forefathers fought for a free land. 
 Greater time than now at hand. 
 
 I'll close this little theme of mine. 
 Pull up on the finish line ; 
 Although I've done my very best 
 Think that I had better rest. 
 
THE FORD 
 
 The Ford goes rambling down the street, 
 
 'Tis a very pleasant sight, 
 Did you ever see its beat 
 
 For its keeping to the right. 
 
 Yes, it is always on the right 
 When it's not upon the wrong, 
 
 And you can crank with all your might 
 Especially if you're strong. 
 
 The radiator leaks a bit. 
 
 And the water runs right through. 
 You start right out to hit the grit 
 
 But quite soon you're feeling blue. 
 
 Well, now, a leaky radiator 
 
 Is a thing I do detest, 
 But there are other parts as bad 
 
 When I think of all the rest. 
 
 There's the punctures and the blowouts 
 
 Just confined to tires alone, 
 They serve to put one on the outs, 
 
 And ask for a bigger loan. 
 
OF FOREIGN WAR 105 
 
 The carbureter is so nice 
 
 You dare not touch the trigger, 
 Just keep your hands off it says twice 
 
 And wait till you are bigger. 
 
 The wind shield is the only part 
 
 That has ever bothered me, 
 But once the engine broke its heart — 
 
 Through its tears I could not see. 
 
 The best part of my Ford, I think. 
 
 Was the dear old exhaust pipe; 
 For it exhausted all my chink 
 
 Amid all the tears I'd wipe. 
 
 And yes, there was the cushion, too, 
 T'was better than cranking ground; 
 
 And it was bound to see one through 
 Whenever the wheels went round. 
 
 Have criticized the little Ford — 
 
 I am sorry that I did — 
 The maker of that little Ford 
 
 Must have brains under his lid. 
 
■iiiill 
 
 mmm 
 
 ill