PS 635 _g tional Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and K391 1916 Copy 1 ates) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE A FARCE IN ONE ACT BY JESSIE A. KELLEY Author of a Photographer's Troubles, Peddlers' Parade, The Census Taker, etc , etc. Copyrigfht, 1916, By SAMUEL FRENCH NO ROYALTY REQUIRED FOR AMATEUR PRODUC- T [ON— ALL OTHER RIGHTS RESERVED. PRICE 25 CENTS New York SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHER 28-30 WEST 38th STREET London SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 26 Southampton Street STRAND THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE A FARCE IN ONE ACT BY JESSIE A. KELLEY Author of a Photographer's Troubles, Peddlers' Parade, The Census Taker, etc, etc. Copyright By SAMUEL FRENCH NO ROYALTY REQUIRED FOR AMATEUR PRODUC- TION—ALL OTHER RIGHTS RESERVED. NEW YORK SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHER 28.30 WLST 38TH STREET LONDON SAMUEL FRENCH. LTD. •26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET STRAND THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE ^^' CHARACTERS. Mrs. Brown Who runs the office Mrs. Aldrich Mrs. Sawyer Mrs. French Mrs. Newlywed Grace Smith Marie Bessette Bridget Mulligan Hilda Olson Who are looking for maids Who are looking for places COSTUMES. ^ Ordinary street attire Mrs. Brown Mrs. Sawyer Mrs. French Mrs. Newlywed Mrs. Aldrich Very dressy Grace Smith. .Shoivy, tawdry clothes with much cheap jezvelry Marie Bessette. . Very Frenchy — black dress, white collar and cuffs Bridget Mulligan Grotesque — hair in tight knot, old bonnet, shazvl, etc. Hilda Olson Grotesque — hat zvifh straggly plumes, old fashioned coat, bag and bundles STAGE ARRANGEMENT. The sia^Q should be arranged to represent an eniplovment bureau — a desk at one side for Miss Brown — chairs ranged along the wall with perhaps a table in center or at one side. No curtain is neces- sary. NOTES. Use local names wherever possible as they are always laugh ])roducers. Go slowly — give the audience time to get the jokes. MAY I8l9l6©ci.0 4S955 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. (Mrs. Brown enters, takes off wraps, hangs them up, goes to desk and begins looking over mail.) Mrs. Brown. {Letter in hand) Well, this is an honest woman at any rate but I fear she'll find it rather hard to get help. Don't often find them so truthful (Reads) " I want a woman to wash dishes, keep house in order, care for six hateful children, bake, wash and iron. Must be a very good cook and able to get along without sleep. Am very particular and never satisfied. Wages low. If you have some one you think will fill the bill send her to me for a personal interview — ]\Irs. Unsatisfied, 97 Kicker Street " — Huh, I'm afraid she'll be over- whelmed with applicants. (Looks over other let- ters) Hilda. (Pokes head only inside of door) Be you the woman what gets yobs for girls ? Mrs. Brown. Yes, come in. (Hilda enters zvith old fashioned hag and many bundles done up in newspapers.) Hilda. Me want a new yob. Mrs. Brown. All right, I'll see what I can do for you. I suppose you are competent. Hilda. No — no — I no — no — what you say. I Swede — Swede and I want yob. 4 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. Mrs. Brown. Can you cook? Hilda. Ya — ^ya — I boil water. (Enter Mrs. French and Mrs. Sawyer.) Mrs. Brown. (To Hilda) You sit down over there and I'll see what I can do for you a little later. (Hilda sits on extreme edge of chair, holding hag and bundles firmly.) Mrs. Brown. (To Mrs. French and Mrs. Sawyer) Good morning, ladies. What can I do for you? Mrs. French. I called to inquire if you had a towheaded girl with a wart on her nose that was looking for a place. Mrs. Brown. Pardon me, but aren't you the lady that lives in the house just around the corner? Mrs. French. Yes, that's where I live. Mrs. Brown. (Looks over paper on desk) Yes, this is the application. I thought I wasn't mistaken. Your husband called this morning and said if I had a very stylish, good-looking young girl who was look- ing for a place to send her over to his house. Mrs. French. (Indigna^itly) He did, did he? That's just like him. I'll attend to his case when I get home. The curtain lectures Mr. Bowser used to get won't be in it with the one he'll get. Stylish, good looking young girl ! Just destroy that applica- tion. Mrs. Sawyer. I thought you had an excellent cook, Mrs. French. Mrs. French. She could cook all right but what's the use of keeping a girl who doesn't get any gossip from the neighbors' maids. I stood it just as long as I could. Why, I really felt such an THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 5 ignoramus. I didn't know a thing about my neigh- bors' affairs. Are you looking for a cook, too? Mrs. Sawyer. Yes, I had to let mine go. Mrs. French. What was the matter with yours ? Mrs. Sawyer. Oh, she was frightfully imper- tinent ! Mrs. French. Dear me, is that so? Mrs. Sawyer. Yes, she couldn't have been any more impertinent if she had been one of my own daughters. Mrs. French. Just think of it ! Mrs. Brown. (To Mrs. French) Here's a girl with a tow head. (Points to Hilda) She doesn't seem to have the wart on her nose but she wouldn't exactly pass for a beauty. Perhaps you'd like to interview her. Mrs. French. She's not just what you'd call stylish and good-looking — Yes, I'll have a talk with her. Mrs. Brown. (Beckons to Hilda) This lady wishes to talk to you. (Hilda comes forzvard with arms full of bundles.) Hilda. Ya — ya — I talk. Mrs. French. What is your name? Hilda. Name Hilda Olson. Mrs. French. Can you cook? Hilda. Ya, ya, I boil water. I no boil eggs soft. My mistress say boil eggs real soft for lunch. I boil them two hours and they no soft then so I tell her no have eggs for lunch. I boil them all after- noon, they no soft then. Mrs. French. Perhaps I could teach you how to do that. But I am very particular to have the eggs fresh and to keep them so they must be laid in a cool place. 6 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. Hilda. Ya, ya, I speak to the hens about it. I tell them lay them in a cool place. Ya, ya. (Mrs. French, Mrs. Brown and Mrs. Sawyer ex- change glances and suppress laughter.) Mrs. Sawyer. You don't like cowardly eggs? Mrs. French. What on earth are cowardly eggs ? Mrs. Sawyer. Cowardly eggs? Why, eggs that hit you and run. (Laughter.) Mrs. French. (To Hilda) Do you keep com- pany with any young man? Hilda. Ya, ya, but (In a loud, stage zvhisper) he very small eater. Mrs. French. Well, if you had him in the kitchen more than once a week I should speak to him. Hilda. You speak if you want but you no get him away from me. We be married next summer. Speak much as you like. You no get him. He say I pretty style girl. You no get him. I no 'fraid. Mrs. French. (Indignantly) Hilda, I will not have any girl answer me back. Hilda. I no answer you back. I answer' you face — Ya, ya. Mrs. French. (To Mrs. Sawyer) Oh, dear, I wish I could do my own work but Eve tried it for a week and every bone in my body aches. Mrs. Sawyer. Every bone in your body aches. You ought to be glad you are not a herring at present. Mrs. French. (To Mrs. Brown) Is this the only girl you have ? THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 7 Mrs. Brown. The only one at present. Help is very scarce. Mrs. French. (Sighs deeply) Hilda, can you use a gasoline stove ? Hilda. I try once but the stove go out. Mrs. French. Didn't you try again? Hilda. No, the stove no come back — It go out (Points up) through the roof. Mrs. French. Can you make chicken soup? Hilda. Oh, ya, ya. I make chicken soup. You like windpipes in you soup? Mrs. French. Windpipes in the soup? No, of course not. Hilda. I no like them. My mistress put them in hers. Mrs. Brown. I rather think Hilda has got macaroni and windpipes mixed. Hilda. Ya, ya, she call it that name I call wind- pipes — Ya, ya. Mrs. French. Do you like fish balls? Hilda. Fish balls? I no never go to one fish ball. I go Swedish ball — dance. Mrs. French. (To Mrs. Brown) This girl is too stupid. It's no use, I can't take her. Hilda. You no want me. I no want you. Mrs. Brown. Perhaps there will be more in later. Mrs. French. Well, I'll call again. (Mrs. French goes out. Grace enters. Hilda sits, still grasping bundles) Grace. (Chewing gum) I don't s'pose yer don't know of nobody what don't want to hire no- body to do nothin', don't yer ? Mrs. Brown. What? What did you say? Grace. I don't s'pose yer don't know of nobody what don't want to hire nobody to do nothin', don't yer? Mrs. Brown. (To Mrs. Sawyer) That's Eng- Hsh as she is spoke. (To Grace) Yes, I don't. 8 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. Mrs. Sawyer. (To Grace) I want a girl for second work. Can you do that? Grace. (Chewing gum vigorously) Yep, kin do anythin'. Mrs. Sawyer. Where did you work last ? Grace. Down to shop. Mrs. Sawyer. Why did you leave there ? Grace. Aw, one of the girls got vaccinated and the rest of us wouldn't work with a scab. Savey? Mrs. Sawyer. Have you ever done house work? Grace. Yep, I worked for Mrs. three weeks. Mrs. Sawyer. Why did you leave there? Grace. Not for mine! Stood it three weeks, then I told her I was going to leave. " What do you want to leave for, Grace ? " ses she, " I'm sure we've treated you like one of the family." " That's just the trouble," ses I, *' you've treated me like one of the family and I've made up my mind not to stand it any longer," and I left that minute. Mrs. Sawyer. Why, I shouldn't think you could do things like that — You've got to be more con- siderate. Grace. (Tosses head) Deed and I ain't got to do nothin' but die. I guess not. Mrs. Sawyer. (To Mrs. Brown) I should like to be St. Peter for awhile. Mrs. Brown. Why? Mrs. Sawyer. Haven't you heard the story of the servant girl who applied to St. Peter for entrance to Heaven? Mrs. Brown. No, I haven't heard it. Mrs. Sawyer. She applied and he asked, " What was your occupation while on earth ? " " Oi wuz a servant goirl, soir." " A servant girl," St. Peter said thoughtfully, " then you'll have to go down below. You can't run this place." Servant girls are an awful trial. THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 9 Mrs. Brown. Didn't you like the last girl I sent you? Mrs. Sawyer. She made me work harder than the others but she was quite respectful. I'd made so many changes I thought I wouldn't tell my hus- band last time but he found it out right off. Mrs. Brown. Noticed the difference in the cooking, I presume. Mrs. Sawyer. No, he saw the imprint of a strange, dirty thumb on his soup plate. {To Grace) Can you use a vacuum cleaner? Grace Naw, they didn't have no vacuums what needed cleaning where I worked. Mrs. Sawyer. I should want you to call me at seven o'clock each morning. Grace. Well, if you'll just hustle out of bed at that time and ring a bell for five minutes or so I'll try to wake up to call you. Mrs. Sawyer. I'm a poor sleeper and some- times want to light a candle in the night so it would be one of your duties to see that there were matches beside my bed. Grace. I'll put one there. Mrs. Sawyer. One! Why, suppose it wouldn't light. Grace. I should worry. I'd try it to make sure. Mrs. Sawyer. One thing I won't stand. I never want to see you eating cake between meals. Remem- ber, I never want to see you do that. Grace. All right, I'll try to remember to cover the keyhole every time. Mrs. Sawyer. And I must insist that you be very quiet. I am very nervous. {To Mrs. Brown) When I lived in California I had one of the noisiest maids. One day when I was upstairs I heard a tremendous racket so I called down, " Jane, what are you doing now ? " She didn't answer so I went down and found we had had an earthquake, pictures 10 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. and crockery knocked down, furniture rattled about but really it hadn't made much more noise than she made every day doing her work. (To Grace) I think I will give you a trial. Grace. I'll ask a few questions meself first. I'd like to use the piano three times a week as I'm musically inclined. The stage lost a star when it lost me. Mrs. Sawyer. Y-e-e-s — I suppose I could let you use the piano. Grace. And you have a victrola? Mrs. Sawyer. Yes. Grace. I wouldn't go into no home what didn't have a victrola, nohow. Got an opera cloak ? Mrs. Sawyer. Yes. Grace. A swell one? Mrs. Sawyer. Yes. Grace. I should want to borrow that once in awhile. Opera glasses ? Mrs. Sawyer. Yes. Grace. Keep an auto, of course. Mrs. Sawyer. Yes. Grace. We'd want to use that twice a week and Sundays — me and my feller. Mrs. Sawyer. (Frigidly) I've decided you won't suit me. (To Mrs. Brown) Haven't you anybody else on file? Grace. There are some goats wanted at the biitt-ev works. Savey? Mrs. Brown. You are too pert altogether, Miss. What did you remark? Grace. Oh, I just said they needed some goats at the butt-tr works. Better apply. Mrs. Brown. (Looking over papers. Reads) Strong Swede woman needs washing. Grace. (Holds nose and points to Hilda) I thought she did. Mrs. Brown. (Reading) " Blacksmith wanted THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. ii in a restaurant to shoo flies." That isn't in your line. (Reads) " Partner wanted by a one legged man to share a pair of shoes." No use. (Reads) " Young lady wants a tutor for an automobile. Giggling girl wanted in dentist's office to supply laughing gas." Grace. Gee, I could do that. Mrs. Brown. (Reads) Clairvoyant — send me a gold dollar wrapped in a lock of your hair and I'll tell you what you are. Mrs. Sawyer. Huh, that's easy. A fool, of course, but they say there is a sucker born every minute and two to catch him so I suppose some one will bite. That all you have? Mrs. Brown. Seems to be all at present. (To Grace) Sit down over there. Grace. Perhaps I will and then again perhaps I won't. (Finally sits down) (Enter Mrs. Newlywed.) Mrs. Newlywed. (Gushing manner) Oh, good morning, Mrs. Sawyer. Are you looking for a maid, too? Mrs. Sawyer. Yes are you? Mrs. Newlywed. Yes, do you know my husband thought I might do my ozvu work but I said, " Oh, Jack, what will the neighbors say if I do own work?" Mrs. Sawyer. What did he say to that? Mrs. Newlywed. " Why," he asked, " whose work do you want to do ? " Mrs. Sawyer. Isn't that just like a man? Mrs. Bosworth's husband gave her such a beautiful fur coat for doing her own cooking that I asked my hus- band what he would give me if I did mine. What do you suppose that wretch of a man said ? Mrs. Brown. I can't imagine. Mrs. Sawyer. Why, he said that judging by the 12 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. food I'd been giving him since the cook left if I kept on he'd give me the right to wear a widow's veil. Mrs. Newlywed. Of course I know all about cooking. I've been attending lectures on how to cook. Last time the teacher told us how to make cabbage salad and to have it best she said me must take a good hearted cabbage. I wanted to find out all about it for Jack is so fond of it and I wanted to be sure to g^\. a good hearted cabbage so I asked how one could find out the disposition of a cabbage. And everybody laughed. I don't see yet what they were laughing at. Then she told us how to make cottage pudding but I couldn't use that recipe be- cause we live in an apartment. Do you do your own marketing, Mrs. Sawyer? Mrs. Sawyer. Sometimes. Mrs. Newlywed. Oh, you always ought to. Why, the other day I went in the market and asked for some bacon and the clerk said, " I suppose you want the cured bacon ? " " No, indeed," I said, " I want some that has never been ill." Now, if I had telephoned for it he would have sent me some of that cured stuff and we would have had ptomaine poisoning. (Mrs. Sawyer and Mrs. Brown ex- change glances and smiles) Then it is a house- keeper's duty to visit the markets where she trades to be sure they are clean. Why, I thought Mr. was such a nice clean place to trade until I saw the sign up in his store ** We Handle Good Butter," I wouldn't trade there any more. I didn't want the butter after they had handled it. I don't under- stand why they put that sign up. Then I tried Mr. market but it is such a murderous place. Mrs. Sawyer. Murderous? Mrs. Newlywed. Yes, I went in there one morn- ing to get something. I told him I was in a hurry so he said he'd wait on me just as soon as he broke THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 13 the bones in Mr. chops, put Mr. ribs in a basket and sawed off Mrs. leg. I didn't wait for him. I got out just as quickly as I could. I didn't know what horrible thing he'd do to me. Grace. (Aside) Say, she'd think a cook was cruel 'cause she beat the eggs, whipped the cream, stoned the raisins, mashed the potatoes and pounded the steak. Looks as if she be an easy guy to work for. (To Mrs. Newlywed) Want a girl? Mrs. Newlywed. Yes, are you looking for a place ? Grace. Yep. Hilda. I want yob too. Mrs. Newlywed. ( To Grace) Can you sterilize milk? Grace. Bet yer life. Mrs. Newlywed. Do you soak the meat in antiseptics ? Grace. Nope, I like it best soaked in gravy. Mrs. Newlywed. Do you burn sulphur in the pantry every morning? Grace. (IVlnks) Oh, of course I do that morn- ing and night. Mrs. Newlywed. And you are always careful to boil the ice ? Grace. Say, wouldn't that jar you now? I don't work for no lunatic. Hilda. Me no want yob there. Mrs. Newlywed. (To Mrs. Brown) I fear your help aren't scientifically trained. I will look elsewhere. Mrs. Sargent. I think I'll go with you and see if I can find anyone. (Mrs. Sawyer and Mrs. Newlywed go out. Mrs, Aldrich and Marie enter.) Mrs. Aldrich. I am looking for a maid. 14 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. Hilda. (Jumps up) Me want yob. Mrs. Brown. A cook? Mrs. Aldrich. Yes, I want a cook and a nurse- maid who will do parlor work. Hilda. Me no want that yob. (Sits again) Grace. Not for mine. She thinks she's some class. Bet she's meaner'n dirt, I bet. Marie. I am looking for a nursemaid's place. Mrs. Aldrich. (Looks Marie over from top to toe, using lorgnette) You look as if you might suit. Have you a good eye for color? Marie. Yes, madam. Mrs. Aldrich. Sometimes I take one of the children to church with me and I should expect you to choose the child that would look best with the gown I was wearing that day. Could I trust you to do that? Marie. Yes, madam. Mrs. Aldrich. My last nursemaid left because I asked her to stay home with the children. You are willing to stay with them ? Marie. Yes, madam. Mrs. Aldrich. And you would have the care of little Fido, my precious dog. I wonder if I could trust him with you. (Uses lorgnette for another critical look) Why, Mrs. Brown, "clo you know the last nursemaid you sent me let Fido into the room where one of the children — I didn't know which one — had the measles. Oh, dear, what an anxious time I had ! I was so afraid that dear dog would catch them. Did you ever hear of such carelessness ? (Bridget enters. Stands with arms akimbo.) Mrs. Aldrich. (To Marie) When the front door bell rings I shall expect you to answer it. Marie. But madam, I have no callers so it must THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 15 be some one to see you and madam would go her- self. Mrs. Aldrich. I am only at home to callers Wednesdays from three to five. Marie. Yes, madam. (Aside) What a heavenly situation you're getting, Marie, with a mistress only home two hours a week to boss you round. Mrs. Aldrich. I shall expect you to clean the parlor and do it very quietly. Marie. Yes, madam, I won't even disturb the dust. Mrs. Aldrich. My parlor is full of antiques so you must be very careful. Marie. FU sprinkle some insect powder around, madam, and try to get rid of them Mrs. Aldrich. Oh, dear, oh, dear, such ignor- ance! My last maid was too familiar with the policeman. Can I trust you? Marie. Yes, madam. I can't bear them. Fve been brought up to hate the very sight of them. My father is a burglar. Mrs. Aldrich. (Holds up hands in horror) _ A burglar! And to think I came very near trusting my precious dog Fido to vour care. Marie. But madam, father never steals dogs. (Sits) Bridget. Is anny wan afther wanting a good cook ? Mrs. Aldrich. Yes, it's just what I'm looking for but I did want a colored one. Bridget. A colored wan. Shure, ma'am, thin Oi kin suit yez if yez want a colored wan. Mrs. Aldrich. Why, you are not black. Bridget. No, but Oim very grane. Isn't that the color yez want? Mrs. Aldrich. Have you a reference from your former employer ? Bridget. {After much hunting pulls out an i6 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. enormous bunch of papers) Yis, Oi hev wan hun- dred and twinty sivin of them. Shure if anny wan didn't want ter give a peaceable respectable girl a rifirince a rolling pin hild in that arm (Rolls up sleeve) soon made thim change their moind. Mrs. Aldrich. What wages do you ask? Bridget. Well, ma'am Oi charge six dollars a wake if Oi eats meself and four dollars a wake if you eats me. Mrs. Aldrich. Well, I don't know as I want to eat you. You don't look like a very tempting morsel. Could you cook a large, thick porterhouse steak with mushrooms and butter? Bridget. Could Oi cook it? Could Oi ate it? Shure Oi do be thinkin' you'd niver see it. Oi'd ate it meself. Mrs. Aldrich. You can make cake I suppose. Bridget. Indade, Oi kin that. Mrs. Aldrich. I'd want you to learn my favorite cake recipe. It's very easy to remember as it is in poetry. This is it. (Bridget listens with open mouth, arms on hips. Recites) Carefully in thirty strokes beat up forty grams of yolks ; add one kilo sugar, then beat for thirty strokes again. Drop one liter milk that's made hot at eighty centigrade. Steadily for half an hour, sift two kilograms of flour. Fold the whites when inspissated to a gram of walnuts, grated. Stir four times and introduce one spoonful of lemon juice. Pour the batter slowly in to a patent bottom tin. Keep electric oven right up to ninety Fahrenheit. Bake till sixty minutes pass ; turn it out on sterile glass. You see how very simple it is. Bridget. Begorry and did yez ivir hear the loike of that. Shure Oi hev a rasate that bates that all to paces. (Recites and goes through all motions) To short'nin' the size of yer fist whin it's tight, add sugar as much as will stick ; then brake siveral eggs THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 17 (if they're chape) and bate light, into clabber that's tasty and thick. Jf clabber ain't handy and trouble to git, take sody enough on a spoon and mix it with swate milk sufficient to wet (and moind yez don't add it too soon) Now grate enough nutmeg to cover a dime and choc'lit the soize of yer wrist, and throw in some flour a bit at a toime and knead it up smooth with yer fist. A sinsible number of nuts is required and crumbs you be loikely to waste, then raisins and spoices as much as desired, vanilly, you flavor to taste. Now mess up togither and slap in a tin well buttered with lard or with oil ; be sure that yer bat- ter ain't anny too thin, and if it's too thick it'll spile. Now place in the oven, not too near the back, and kape the fire high (if you wish) and bake till it's done, then remove from the rack and turn out on anny old dish. You can't bate that for a cake rasate. Mrs. Aldrich. Can you make griddle cakes? Bridget. The foinest iver. Mrs. Aldrich. Are you used to a soapstone griddle ? Bridget. Yez nadent go to the ixpinse uv buyin' a soapstone wan. Shure, Oi kin grase the iron wan with soap and it'll do jist as well. Mrs. Aldrich. Are you neat in your kitchen? Bridget. As nate as wax. Mrs. Aldrich. Careful to keep the flies out? Bridget. Oi always hang a pace of floiy-paper outsoide the house. Mrs. Aldrich. Outside the house! What do you hang it outside the house for ? Bridget. Bejabbers, ain't there more floies out- soide than insoide? Mrs. Aldrich. When the parlor maid is out I should expect you to answer the doorbell and to al- ways give a glance into the parlor before going to the door to be sure that everything was in order. Bridget. Oid do that. Shure, Oi always chased i8 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. the pig out of the parlor whin Oi hed company. Oi wouldn't want anny wan to git the imprission Oi wasn't high-toned. Mrs. Aldrich. What about going to church? Bridget. Oi should want to go to mass iviry morning. Mrs. Aldrich. Every morning! Bridget. Faith an' 'twas a good cook yez wuz axin' for. Mrs. Aldrich. Have you any men callers? Bridget. Terry Dolan, the polaceman. Mrs. Aldrich. Anything serious? Bridget. Yis, mum, Oi think so. Anny way he's begun to complane about my cookin' and that's a shure soign he manes business. Mrs. Aldrich. How did you get acquainted with him? Bridget. He arristed me wance. Mrs. Aldrich. Arrested you? For what? Bridget. For being drunk. Mrs. Aldrich. Did you have to serve time ? Bridget. Shure Oi did, all on account of that baste of a judge. He ses, ses he " Yez look familiar, were yez iver before this court before?" ''No soir," ses Oi, ''but Oi wuz yer cook last month." " Thirty days on bread and wather," ses he, the auld scalpeen. Mrs. Aldrich. Have you ever been arrested since ? Bridget. Only thoirty-five toimes. Mrs. Aldrich. Thirty-five times ! Bridget. No woman is perfect. What's the matter wid yez? Does yez ixpict an angil from Hivin ? Mrs. Aldrich. I thought I was visiting an em- ployment office but I should think Ed got in a penitentiary. I'll get out of here as quickly as pos- sible. THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. 19 {Exit Mrs. Aldrich.) Bridget. There's no plasing some payple. Hilda. Me want a yob. (Postman throivs letter in door, Mrs. Brown picks it lip, opens, reads to herself.) Bridget. Oi'd like wan misilf, Swedy. Marie. So do I. Grace. Me, too, Pete. Mrs. Brown. Well, here's a letter I've just re- ceived. Perhaps this will suit one of you. (Reads) " I want a girl for general housework in a family of two. May have use of piano from nine to eleven, victrola from eleven to two, automobile from two to five, theatre and opera tickets three times a week, use of mistresses' clothes on days out which are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and all day Sunday. May entertain callers in the parlor at any time. Fine looking grocer, butcher, milkman, iceman and policeman. Salary paid four times a week. No washing, ironing, cook- ing or sweeping. If you have any girl looking for such a place send her to 548 County Street. (Girls have all been listening intently, zvhen letter is partly read all jump up ready to go as soon as address is heard. When that is read they make a rush for the door, pushing and jostling one another in mad efforts to get off first.) Bridget. Begorry, that's the wan for me. Grace. Me for it. Marie. Madam will want me. Hilda. Me want that yob. Ya. ya. (All go out) 20 THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE. Mrs. Brown. (Puts on zvraps) Well, that was a good way to get rid of that bunch, Em afraid they'll be rather disappointed when they reach 548 County Street. I think Ell go to dinner now. (Mrs. Brown goes out) CURTAIN LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 015 825 952 7