^b ' ^^3%7 • ^^3^7 MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNNY FARCES MARCH BROTHERS, Publishers, LEBANON, OHIO A Proposal in Grandma's Day By Jeannette Joyce PS 635 .Z9 J89 Qq 2 Copyright, 1920, by March Brothers CHARACTERS Charity — A prim maiden, very proper. David — A bashful youth. Ma Allen — A "buxom matron. Pa Allen — A serious man of middle age. Scene : Costumes and furnishings as old-fashioned as can be obtained. {Curtain raises on kitchen in Allen home with Charity seated peeling apples. She looks up excitedly as a rather timid knock is heard, then as the knock is repeated she forces herself to be calm and opens door.) David {entering with much embarrassment) : How do you do, Charity? (Standing stiffly.) Charity: I do well. {Long paus^.) How do you do, David? David: I do well. {Long pause.) How does your father and mother? Charity: They do well, too, Da-vid. {Very long pause; much shuffling of feet on David's part and twisting of apron strings on Charity's.) David: You was peelin' apples. Charity? Charity: Yes, David. David {seeing a chalice): May I help you, Charity? I'm a first rate peeler so mother says. Charity: I don't care if you do, David. You oau sit over here. {Places him at opposite side of tahle where he sits doivn and looks hopelessly ai his hat still in his hand.) David: "What shall I do with this, Charity? {Charity takes it and hangs it up with great care — silence, during which both work steadily. After clear- ing his throat several times, David resumes.) I didn't come to peel apples tonight, Charity. A Proposal in Grandma's Day — ' rj Cuarity {demurely surprised): Didn't you? J^)^ '\^ "^.^ David: No, I came to ask a question — a question {hesitating) . ^ /{ ^ Charity {demurely trying to help him) : Was it a riddle, David, or a conun- drum you 're going to ask ? David : No, not just exactly that, but something like it. My, the,se apples are knotty. Charity : Yes, Pa says they are considerably wormy this year. David {after m^re silence) : Do you like peelin' apples, Charity? Charity: I like it right smart. David: We got a whole orchard full of apples that goes to waste every yeiir for want of peelin', and I came over tonight to say something to yon. Charity : About the apples, David ? Davip: Well, yes; 'twas about apples and 'twasn't. {Cries out as he cuts his finger.) Charity {going around table to him): Oh! David, you've cut your finger. Let me wrap it up for you. {Proceeds to do so.) Da-VId {encouraged iy her nearness) : I remember now what I came for, Cii-^ritv; I came to ask you to — ^to marry me. Charity {starting hack) : Oh! David, you oughtn't — really you oughtn't. David: Why we've been keepin' company two years come next month, and I've never gone to see another girl in all that time. Won't you marry me, Charity? Charfty: I don't know, David, that must be as Pa and Ma decides. Ask them. {Pa and Ma enter on last words and all David's emharrassment returns.) Pa Allen: Good evenin', David; was you speakin' of something we could do for you? David: Well, no — ^yes — not exactly. Pa Allen: Like to borrow something, would you? David: No, I don't want to borrow anything. Pa Allen: Buy then? Your father was coTisiderin' a couple of calves I — Ma Allen {putting hand on Pa's arm) : Pa, let David talk. Pa Allen {not grasping situation as he looks around) : Oh! Well, talk, young man. OCT -I I92G A Proposal in Grandma's Day David {forcing speech,) : How — how's the corn comin' on for you, Mr. Allen? pA Allen: Why first rate, David. Would you like to engage some seed of me this fall? David : No, I don't want to engage no seed com — I — I — Ma Allen {in Pa's ear) -. Pa, ask him if he wants you to give him something. Pa Allen {mystified) : David, is there anything I can give you? David {jumping at this suggestion) : Your daughter — I want to marry her. Pa Allen: Well, now that is something. We'll have to ask the boss. What do you say, mother? Ma Allen : I siay it is no more than I 've expected — girls go ahead and get engaged so easy these days. It's not like it was when I was young. Pa Allen : Now mother, you forget. Don 't you remember — Ma Allen {breaking in) : There's one thing I do remember {moving over to table), and that's these apples. Come on, Pa, and help peel. For if ever they're tended to I'll have it to do. David {taking Charity's hand, hut glancing over at Ma and Pa) : I've S- notion, a great notion, to — Charity : To what, David ? David: To kiss you, Charity. . / {Curtain) LltlKHKY Ul- LUNUKtbb 017 400 015 3 • I MARCH'S FAiVlOUS FUNNY FARCES Five for 25 cent*. Not Lets than Five Sold. AUNT JANE VISITS SCHOOL. By .Toannrftp Joyoo. Any nnmbcr of mnlofs nnd fcmnled. AftPr fifty ypiirs .Mint Jano s|M>ndH h inoniiiic in a nxxlern scliool. HoulS4» Kooglc. I male, 2 femaleB. These eccentric folk visit the school. proUucing no end of fun. AL'NT Ll'ClNDY STAYS. I5y Willis N. Bugbcc. 2 males, 2 females. Two darky characters make lots of fun. Clever and clean. "BEAT ITI" Hy Willis N. Hucbee. 3 males, 1 female. A ecolding wife maken trouble for everybody, the parson Ini-fudi-d. Oceans of fun. BETTY AND BETSY'. 15y Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Betsy was advertised for sale, but he wantiHi Uttty. Rrlcht and pretty. THE BltiTOWN B.YND. By Archibald ITuraboldt. 4 males, 1 female. More fun than you can Imagrlne, and a little music which anybody can make. THE BrZZVII.LE NEWS. By Kflie Louise Koogle. 2 males, 1 female. A breezy conversation between the innnapcr and new editor. A sure hit. DOT ENTERTAINS. Uy Klizalxtb K. Oiiptlll. 1 male, 1 female. Dot entertains her big sister's beau, and the tiling's she tells him are a plenty. A big success. TDK (iOOSE FE.VTHKKBKD. By Willis N. Bui;bee. 4 males, 1 female. A dandy little play for Irish and ci-.fiitrlc characters. Easy and amusinc H.VSTE .M.\KF;s W.YSTE. By Ilarrictte Wilbur. 3 males. The young drug clerk hurriedly grabs the wn.ijf I'd He and learns that haste makes waste. IN A DOCTOR'S OFriC'K. By .Icannclte Joyce. 4 males, C females. A take-off on the specialist of toiliiv Iniiilcnially a number of the follies of humanity are exposed in a lauKhahle manner. L.Vl (illTER AND SON(i. By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males, 4 females. Comic dialog interspersed with jollv songs, making a continuous funny story. LOOK OCT FOR HEZEKI.VH. By L/)Uise Rand Bascom. 3 males. 1 female. Hayseed parents visit college dean. Splendid opiiorlunity for clever acting. Bright and amusing. THE LDN.ATIO OR THE PROFESSOR. By l.ouise Rand Bascom. 2 males, 2 females. The lunatic is mistaken for the brain specialist, which is hard on the lunatic. Great. MORE TI.ME Ol T. By Carolyn P. Rice. 7 females. An amusing comedy dealing with the servant liroblein. Tlic characters are strongly contrasted. Easy, but eflectivc. NO I'EDDLERS ADMITTED, By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 1 female. The busy man Intended not to biiv. but the peddler had a suave manner. OH, YOU TEACHER! By C. A. Donaldson. 8 males, 4 females. A splendid comedy of school life, s'lowing the amateur teacher's trials. Funny and well suited for schools. ONE OX THE .ACiENT. By l.ouise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. A clever skit, bright and telling V repartee. Kcconimendfd for all occasions. NtHE "I'HYSIC.M. TOKTl RE" CLUB. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 fi-males. Physical culture \ exercises for uliich .Ma is ti'o stout and I'a is too rheumatic. Killingly funny. A\ I'HOrOSAL IN (iRAND.ALV'S DAY. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 2 females. Full of fun for ihe modern aiidii-nce. RASTUS BLINK'S MINSTRELS. By EfBe Ix)uise Koogle. For any numl>er. His "Kinky Koons are killing. The iolliest minstrel show ever. A deluge of drollery. "SCAT!" By l/mise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. Cunning attempt of an old maid to prove her voutli Verv laughable. SEEING THE ANI.MALS. By Clara J. Denton. 1 male, 2 females. A swell hotel clerk, a euffragette, and a spoihd child ni:ike a lively time. A hit. THE SQIASHVILI.E FIRE BRUJ^YDE. By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 2 females, and other firemen, if dcsind A brisk and snappy little dialog. Easy and clever. THE STUI'ID WITNESS. By .\rrliibalil llumlK)ldt. 3 males. The lawyer and witness lock horns and have an awful time but it's fun for the audience. Swift and keen. THE TRAIN I EAVES IN TF:N MINUTES. By l.ouise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 2 females. Will they catch the 'train V The awful suspense is punctured by fun and wit ,, , , , TIIF^ TRAIN TO MORROW. By Jcanni'tte Joyce. 3 males, 2 females. (onfuslon in a railway station rcsnlliiig in no emi of fun for the audience. „ . „ . . „ THF TRAVELING FlIOTOC.R.XriIER. By Kate Alice 'White. 3 males, 2 females. n« unexpecfe