\ he lAaTrlea Tcik^ a farcer. --*&£%& Oass_£J8. J 53. .SaJvu shci's Edition of Standard Farces. ";MoA»;I E&v^RoAM. En o & fc 02 SO Sh S- o o tz £ a ■-a 3 fn . J3> I 13 ,a S\ o PS 03 3 1-5 «i <5H £ & & < si C 02 02 o m c • £ a> a a ■T.J W J . a eti iS e3 Ph as © o si 3 5 o T3 O 02 is o5 O T3 -° a •/:■ .a w 02 H << 41 § g §g S << 1 ■ ' CO 3 . 8 ' 8 (3 8 *»-? CI -i * i 'fS - "•£ ^ .V SJ 1 ' gp. 8 ■ 1 . > J» ft %> 1 ^> 8 ft! ' £ i > 3 . o p* *>> « teasing, tor widow. - ERT FlTZHE regular kit ry Officer. ccompHshed 111 8 ft- . 8 fcr 3 S. « E s iTiJ 8 8 Freder rf Genii g 5M b tat 3-2 g 8 | 8 g T. . .2 ^ ci £ a i ti'i as ft -S < £ 1 s § QD THE MARRIED RAKE. SCENE. — A Drawing; Room, handsomely furnished, with Carpet, Sfc.Folding Doors in c. a door s. e. a fire-place T. E. r. — a Window s. E. l. a Sofa l. — near it a small Table, with Writing Materials, Books, Sfc. and on the r. another Table with a handsome Cover. Mrs. Flighty discovered, seated on the Sofa, with Susan Twist attending. Mrs. Flighty. First go to the library and change the books. Susan. Yes ma'am. Mrs. Flighty. Then call at my milliner's Susan. Yes ma'am. Mrs. Flighty. Tell her my hat must be sent home this evening. Susan. Yes ma'am. Mrs. Flighty. Then go to Mr. Brown, the shoe maker. Susan. Yes ma'am. Mrs. Flighty. Desire him to come to me before twelve o'clock; to-morrow. Susan. Yes ma'am. Mrs. Flighty. Let me see ! — is there anything else ? Yes, call on Lady Manly — my love and compliments, hope she caught no cold last night. Ask after her little dog; say I am very anxious to know the result of the quarrel between the parties she mentioned to me yesterday — that should it be as /said, a certain person will be very awkward ly situated ; but if, on the contrary, she should be right, the consequence will be dreadful, particularly to the individual by whose infamous machinations the meeting was arranged — so much confusion has taken place, and so many dig* tressing circumstances have transpired. Susan. Yes ma'am. Mrs. Flighty. And you may also say ■> 6 THE MARRIED RAKE. Susan. Yes ma'am. Mrs. Flightly. No, never mind, she will understand ; I don't remember anything more at present. You won't forget what I have told you ? Susan. No ma'am, you may 'pend on me, I won't make no mistake. (Rapidly counting her fingers*) First I'm to change the library — tell the miliner you must 'awe your 'af this hevening, before twelve o'clock to-morrow. Mr. Browm the shoe maker — then Lady Manly, love and com- pliments to her little dog, hope she didn't cotch no cold — let you know the insult of the quarrel betwixt them parties you told her on yesterday — If so be it are as you said, then it's aukud and contrary — -but if so be it are as she said, then it's all right, and the consequence will be dreadful, Hickular- ly to the hinder-'- it al by whose famous assassinations the meet'" d — and so much profusion and com- )S has perspired. There, ma'am, I've 'ct/ — I arn't larnt the dicksnary for [Exit, c. d. R. ighty, (laughing.) Poor Susan!— I knew I should r ^zie her. How Lady Manly will laugh ! If she survives " my love and compliments to her little dog," she'll cer- tainly expire at the bewildering episode of "them hinde- widewals and famous assassinations!^ Mrs. Tricktrac, (without.) Never mind, Susan, you need not announce me ; I know your mistress is at home. Enter Mas. Trictrac, r. c. My dear friend, I'm so glad to see you ? Where's Flighty? Ah, as usual, I suppose, amusing himself abroad, while you are moping at home. Well, and how do you do ? — are you glad to see me? Shall I be troublesome if I stay an hour or two ? — can you endure my silly rattle ? Mrs. Flighty. My dear Sophie, you know you are al- ways a welcome visitor, and 1 am never so happy as when you are with me. I anticipate a delightful morning — Flighty has gone to Richmond, to dine with his uncle, so we shall have the whole day to ourselves. Mrs. lYicktrac. That husband of yours is a terrible racketty fellow. I must read him a lecture on matrimo- THE MARRIED RAKL. V nial conduct. Well, as you are rash enough to prefer my society to reading Paradise Lost, in melancholy solitude, I'll stay and plague you. And now — (Crossing to L. and seating herself on Sofa.) — let us sit down and cut up all our friends and acquaintances— By-the-bye, Eliza, I have something to tell you about your husband. Mrs. Flighty. My husband ! — (Lau ghing.) poor fellow; I hope you don't mean to cut him up— what has he been doing ? Mrs. Trictrac. My dear creature, he's a wretch ! Mrs. Flighty. (Laughing.) Indeed, in what way ? Mrs. Trictrac. In every way — he's a gay Lothario, a Blue Beard, a Don Juan, a Robert the Devil . Mrs. Flighty. You alarm me — what do you mean? Mrs. Trictrac. Does he often go Hi 1 and? Mrs. Flighty. Yes, two or three U Mrs. Trictrac. Indeed — does he evt Mrs. Flighty. No, his uncle is a bach bachelor's parties. Mrs. Trictrac. You silly creature — how easily you are imposed upon. An uncle who lives a few miles in the country is a very convenient person, sometimes. Now, what do you think ! — I have discovered Flighty t (without.) Here, Thomas, take my hat and cloak — tell the groom to put up the cab ; I shan't want it till night. Mrs. Flighty. There's Flighty — what can have brought him home so soon? Mrs. Trictrac. (Pointedly.) His uncle was not at home, I dare say, my dear. I'll tell you all by-and-bye. Enter Flighty, r. c. Flighty, (r.) My dearest Eliza, my uncle was from home, so I — (Seeing Mrs. Trictrac, and crossing to c.) Ah, Mrs. Trictrac, little did I anticipate this pleasure ! (Kissing her hand.) Eliza, my love — (Kissing her.) — don't laugh at me Mrs. Trictrack ; I have not been married long enough to give up these little follies. Mrs. Trictrac, (l.) Oh, don't mind me — I like to see married people make fools of themselves ; 'tis quite de- 8 THE MARRIED RAKE. lightful to observe them " billing and cooing, like pretty turtle doves !' ( Aside.) Deceitful savage ! Flighty. Well, I'm so glad my uncle was not at home ; I shall pass the day in matrimonial felicity, instead of be- ing bored with the exploits of Tippoo Saib, and the storm- ing of Seringapatam ! Mrs. Trictrac. Then I'll say adieu — I'll not disturb your matrimonial felicity. Happy creatures ! how I envy you. What an example of a husband you are, Flighty — so kind, so affectionate, (crossing to c. and going up.) Good bye, friends, good bye — make my compliments to your uncle, Mr. Flighty. [Going. Mrs. Flighty, (r.) Nay, Sophie, do not leave us, I am sure you will be a charming addition to our party, — pray stay ; persuade her, Henry. Flighty. Now, positively you shall not leave us — we cannot part with you: we should both be miserable — nay, I'll hear no excuses ; you tnust, you shall stay. Mrs. Trictrac. Well, as you are so determined, I will re- main ; but you'll soon be tired of me ; I'll do all I can to plague you — I'll talk ycu to death. Flighly. I'm quite resigned. Kill me in any way you please, but, lest I should die of hunger in the mean time, suppose I order some luncheon. (Ringing hand-bell) John! Enter Servant, c. Bring luncheon. (Exit Servant.) Ton my life, I don't know when I have bacn so happy. Any news in the world, Mrs. Tricktrac? I know you are the "Gazette of Fashion" — any little affairs of the heart, elopements, or in- teresting domestic calamities? Mrs. Tricktrac. I am not aware of any ; but why do you ask me about such things ? you know I never feel any interest in them — besides, I dislike exposing the in- discretions and misfortunes of my fiiends. By-the-by, I did hear of a circumstance, yesterday, a decided case; 'tis very droll, you know the parties. I've a great mind to tell you if you'll let it go no further — 'twas told me in con- fidence, I would not have it known for the world, but if you'll promise THE MARRIED RAKE. * Flighty. Oh, certainly, certainly, we never talk — what is it, eh ? we won't mention a word. Mrs. Trictrac. Well, then, mind now— 'tis in strict con- fidence ! Flighty. Oh, certainly, strict confidence. Mrs. Trictrac. Tis about your friends, Sir Charles and Lady Simple. Flighty, {aside.) The devil ! — can she know ? I must change the conversation, or I shall get into a scrape. (Aloud.) Oh, I've heard all about that affair ; 'twas very ridiculous — (Laughing.) — I've laughed at it ever since. Who would have supposed — (Laughing.) — John, bring the luncheon ! — Yes, yes, I know all about it. Mrs. Trictrac. I dare say you do, but Eliza does not ; so I shall tell her the particulars. Flighty, (aside.) I'm in a nice hobble ! (aloud.) Oh, it's all nonsense — what does she care ? — (calling.) — John, bring the luncheon! Mrs. Trictrac. It's of no use trying to stop me. Flighty; I will have my own way — never mind him, Eiiza. Sir Charles Simple happening to stroll into his wife's dressing room, the other morning, when she was absent, carelessly sat himself down before the looking-glass, with the inten- tion, no doubt, of waiting her return ; well, finding one of his side curls dreadfully deranged, he opened a drawer of the dressing table to find a comb, with which he wished to have restored the truant hairs to a state of propriety, when he discovered what do you think ? Flighty, (aside.) I'm settled ! Mrs. Trictrac. A miniature portrait of a man with black hair, whiskers, and mustachios — you know the sort of man I mean, Flighty ? Flighty. Oh, yes, perfectly ! (aside.) I'm discovered — she knows all about it ! Mrs. Flighty. Well, and what was the consequence? Mrs. Trictrac. Sir Charles got into a terrible passion ; of course, he must have felt very uncomfortable, and thought of all kinds of unpleasant things. In the midst of his fary, her ladyship returned; a scene immediately ensued — he was violent, she cool ; he vowed vengeance, she laughed 10 THE MARRIED RAKE. and called him a fool — said the miniature belonged to her sister, and that the formidable hero of the mustachios was her cousin. (Laughing) Wasn't that a capital idea, Flighty. Flighty. Capital .' (aside.) I'm alive again ! Mrs. Trictrac. Sir Charles, poor man, believed her, laughed at his ridiculous mistake, and wished to be intro- duced to the gentleman. Poor fellow ! 'twas as much the portrait of her cousin, as 'twas of you, Flighty. Flighty, (laughing.) Yes, yes, I dare say. (aside.) She'll roast me to death — I wish I hadn't asked her to stay. Enter John, with luncheon on a tray. Oh, here's the luncheon — a happy relief; I'll stop her mouth with a sandwich ! Mrs. Trictrac, be seated. (Handing her to the sofa.) Eliza, my love, take a chair. [They sit at table, l. Mrs. Trictrac, l. on the sofa — Mrs. Flighty, c. — Flighty, r. Mrs. Trictrac. Do you know any body at Richmond, be- sides your uncle, Mr. Flighty ! Flighty. Not a soul !— allow me to give you a wing of this chicken. Mrs. Flighty. Do you know, Henry, I should very much like to see your uncle. Flighty. So you shall my love — let me help you — (Mrs. Trictrac bursts+out into a loud laugh.) — What is the mat- ter, Mrs. Trictrac — why are you so merry ? Mrs. Trictrac. Why, at a little affair I heard of the other day ; speaking of your uncle, put me in mind of it. It occurred at Kensington Gardens; you know where they are situated, Flighty — on the road to Richmond. Flighty. Yes, yes, I know very well — allow me to give you a merry thought ! Mrs. Trictrac. Thank you, you often do. (Laughing.) Well I was about to tell you — Flighty. A glass of wine, my love ? — Mrs. Trictrac, you'll join us ? [Fills wine and drinks. Mrs. Trictrac. Well, to return to my story of Kensing- ton Gardens Flighty, (aside.) Confound her, she's determined to ruin THE MARRIED RAKE. 11 Mrs. Trictrac. What are you about, Flighty ? — I declare you are eating out of the dish ! Well, about three o'clock yesterday afternoon, a lady dressed in a cloak, trimmed with ermine, was observed to saunter about one of the re- tired walks. She was joined by a gentleman in a green frock coat, straw colored waistcoat — (Flighty buttons up his coat) and white trowsers — be quiet, Flighty, don't play with your knife and fork like a baby — they (I mean the lady and gentleman) left the gardens, got into a coach, and drove off towards Richmond — take care what you are about Flighty; you'll upset the table — what is the matter with you ? one would think you were one of the parties in ques- tion, and were afraid of being found out Flighty, (rises, and goes down R. and walks about with the fowl on a fork. Laughing.) Ha ! ha ! ha ! I'm so amused with your story, I can't sit still, 'tis so very droll ! Damme, I've carried off the fowl ! (Puts it down on table. Aside.) I wish I could get rid of her. What say you to a walk, ladies? suppose we take a stroll before dinner? Mrs. Trictrac, (rising and going forward, l,) With all my heart — let us go to Kensington Gardens, perhaps we may see the lady in the ermine cloak, or the gentleman in the green frock coat, eh, Flighty ? Flighty. Yes, yes. 'twould be capital fun. (aside) I'm regularly cut up — I must put a sfop to her tongue, or she'il ruin me. Eliza, my love, put on your bonnet, we'll go out immediately. Mrs. Flighty. I won't be a minute — amuse Mrs. Tric- trac, till I return. [Exit into room, r. Mrs. Trictrac and Flighty look at each other for sometime — Mrs. Trictrac takes a chair, draws it after her to l. corner, — sits down and plays with her parasol. Flighty takes a chair to R. corner and plays with his umbrella. Flighty, (r. Aside.) Amuse her ! 1 have already — she has found me out. I must persuade her to be quiet. Mrs. Trictrac, (aside.) A wicked wretch — I'll tease his life out. Flighty, (aside.) It's of no use of mincing the matter — I'll come to the point at once. 12 THE MARRIED RAKE. Mrs. Trictrac, (aside.) He's afraid of me ; I'll torment him ! Mighty. Mrs. Trictrac ! Mrs. Trictrac, (suddenly turning round.) Mr. Flighty ! Flighty, (aside.) She looks like a tiger cat ; I shall be damnably mauled. (Aloud.) Mrs. Trictrac Mrs. Trictrac. Sir ! Flighty, (aside.) There's a sir !— what a horrid mono- syllable. (Aloud.) I perceive madam Mrs. Trictrac. Wei!, sir? Flighty. Don't say sir, again — it makes me very un- happy, I perceive, madam, that you are aware of my error, and — and — -and- Mrs. Trictrac. And what, sir? Flighty, (crossing to her.) Don't tell my wife, there's a dear creature ! Mrs. Trictrac. You confess, then? I'm ashamed of you, sir — how could you behave so ? 'Tis my duty to tell your wife, you base man ! Flighty. Now don't — 'twouldn't do any good — 'twould only make bad worse. In future I'll be savagely virtuous, I will, indeed. Mrs. Trictrac. Well, then, provided you give me your promise never to neglect your wife, ur visit your uncle at Richmond, I will not expose you. Flighty. Oh, you dear, charming — (aside.) — damned tormenting — enchanting woman ! I'll become a perfect anchorite ! — I'll Mrs. Trictrac. Hush I here's your wife. Enter Mrs Flighty, r. Mrs. Flighty. Now, Henry, I'm quite ready — where shall we go ? Flighty. Wherever you please, my dear. Mrs. Trictrac. Suppose we take a turn in St. James's Park, and look at the ducks and swans — you are fond of wild ducks, I believe, Flighty ? Flighty. I used to be. (Aside.) Confound the satirical gipsy, I shall never have a moment's peace. Come, ladies, I'm at your service. THE MARRIED RAKE. 13 ' Enter John, r. c. John. A note, sir. Flighty. I can't attend to it now, I'm going out John. The servant said it required immediate attention, sir. [Exit John. Flighty. Pshaw ! how very annoying — some invitation to dinner, I suppose. Excuse me — (opening letter.) — Eh ! what is this? (Reading.) " Dear Flighty : — I am waiting for you at White's — I have had a scene at home ; want your advice. Come to me immediately. Yours, Charles Sim- ple." The devil ! — what's to be done ? I must go, or he'll find some other confidant, and that would not be so agree- able. Then that confounded Mrs. Trictrac will expose me if I leave her, — no matter, of the two evils, I'll choose the least- Mrs. Trictrac, Eliza, — I'm very sorry I cannot ac- company you to the park, this morning ; I am obliged to see my solicitor on most particular business. Pray, ex- cuse me, I'll return to dinner — very provoking, isn't it, to be called away so unexpectedly ? Good bye, Eliza, — au plaisar, Mrs. Trictrac — J'm so sorry to leave you! Mrs. Trictrac, (c.) You are afraid I shall expose you. Flighty, (aside to Mrs. Trictrac.) Remember your pro- mise — not a word about my uncle. (Going — Significantly.) Mrs. Trictrac [Exit, c.d. Mrs. Flighty, (l.) Now, Sophia, tell me what is the mean- ing of your mysterious hints — what have you discovered about my husband ? he seem'd very much annoyed and uneasy. - Mrs. Trictrac. You recollect my story about the minia- ture ? Mrs. Flighty. Yes. Mrs. Trictrdc. Your husband was the hero of the mus- tachios — 'twas his portrait ! Mrs. Flighty. Impossible ! — he cannot be so base ? Mrs. Trictrac. 'Tis true, nevertheless, but he is not so much to blame either. The affair is only in its infancy, and if you will assist me, I have a scheme to break off the attachment, and make e'en him a good and affectionate husband. B. 14 THE MARRIED RAKE. Mrs. Flighty. I'll aid you to the utmost — I'll do any- thing 1 to sc cure his affection. Mrs. Trictrac. Then try to make him jealous. Mrs. Flighty. Will not that be dangerous ? Mrs. Trictrac. Not in the least — I will represent the lover, so there can be no danger. Enter Susan, c. d. Susan, (c.) I've made all the haste I could, ma'am ; I haven't forgot nothing. When I told Lady Manly what you said, she laughed so, I thought she would have had an asterical fit — she says it are as you said, and them parties you delude to, will pay dearly for their obstropulousness. Mrs. Trictrac, (r. laughing. Aside-) Obstropulousness ! — you have been studying the dictionary again, I find, Susan ! Susan. Yes, ma'am, I takes it in numbers, and expresses three pages in my 'ed hevery day ; it so reproves my physi- ognomy and renunciation. Mrs. Trictrac. Susan may assist my scheme — will you allow me to employ her ? Mrs. Flighty. Certainly. Mrs. Trictrac, (crossing to l. and hastily writing a note) Susan, will you have the kindness to take thislo my maid — she will give you a dress for me ; bring it into your mistress's bed room by the door in the passage. Susan. Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Trictrac. Make haste, and take care you are not seen by your master. Susan. Yes, ma'am — I'll be so individious, nobody shan't inspect me. [Exit c. d. r. Mrs. li iclrac. Now, let us retire into your room and con- cert our plan. I'll give Mr. Flighty a lesson he won't for. get in a hurry [Exeunt Mrs. Flighty and Mrs. Trictrac, into room,*, d Enter Flighty, r. c. Flighty. I wonder who could have sent me that note ? All a hoax — Sir Charles has left town for Dorsetshire. Some trick of my tormenter, Mrs. Trictrac, no doubt. I'll be even with her — what has become of her, I wonder ? THE MARRIED RAKE. 15 Enter Mrs. Flighty. Mrs. Flighty. So, sir, you have returned sooner than I expected. Mrs. Trictrac would not wait, she has gone home. Flighty, (aside.) Glad of it — she looks rather grumpy; I'm afraid the murder's out. (Throwing himself on the Sofa, and taking up a book.) I'm sorry your friend has gone, we should have passed such a delightful day — never mind, we can make ourselves happy without her — (yawning.) — can't we, my love ? [Reading his book. Mrs. Flighty, (taking a chair to r. corner, and pulling a flower to pieces.) Certainly, my dear. Flighty, (after a pause.) You are a very amusing com- panion, Mrs. Flighty. [Looking at her. Mrs. Flighty. So are you, Mr. Flighty, Flighty. How long do you mean to twiddle that flower'' Mrs. Flighty. How long do you mean to read that book ? Flighty. As long as I please, madam ? Mrs. Flighty. Very well, I shan't interrupt you, sir ! — (after a pause — aside.) This is matrimonial felicity. Enter Susan, c. d. r. on tip-toe — She looks cautiously round — Flighty observes her, and peeps over his book — She gives Mrs. Flighty a letter which she hastily conceals. — Susan goes off as she entered, mysteriously endeavouring to avoid being seen by Flighty. Flighty, (aside.) Eh ! what the devil is the meaning of that ? — she gave her a letter ! Mrs. Flighty. Did you speak, Flighty ? Flighty. No, madam. Mrs. Flighty. I thought you did. Oh, dear me ! I de- clare my hair is quite out of order ! I must arrange it — I'll be back directly, Henry. [Exit, r. d. Flighty, (jumping up from sofa.) She has gone to read the letter — who can it be from ? — Dam'me I feel quite queer ! I — I must keep my eyes open ; I musn't go out so often. I — what can that letter be about ?— ~ she's coming back, I'll go into the next room, and observe her from be- hind the door. [Exit> c. d. l. 16 THE MARRIED RAKE. Enter Mrs. Flighty, r. d. Mrs. Flighty, (aside.) He's on the watch, (aloud.) Ah ! Henry gone ? — so much the better. Flighty, (putting his head out from c. d.) You don't say so.' Mrs. Flighty. I can read his dear note again. Flighty. His dear note ! — 'tis from a man, then — I'm one of the club ! [Putting his hand to his head. Mrs. Flighty. How tender, how affectionate * Flighty. Yes, damn'd tender — eursed affectionate I dare say. Mrs. Flighty. How kind to send me his portrait ! Flighty. His portrait! — I'm pleasantly situated ! Mrs. Flighty. There can be no harm in kissing it. [Kissing a miniature. Flighty, (rushing forward.) Can't there, though ? — oh, you vile woman ! I have discovered your perfidy I Mrs. Flighty, (bursting into a laugh.) Where did you ' come from, Henry? I thought you had gone out. (laugh- ing.) What's the matter, dear ? [Coaxing. Flighty, (astonished.) Matter ! matter, madam ! (Aside) She wants to brazen it out. (Aloud.) That letter, madam — that tender letter, madam ! that portrait, madam ! that — that — that — damnation, madam ! [Taking the Stage in a fury. Mrs. Flighty. Now don't make a fool of yourself, Henry, what is the use of getting in a passion, there's no harm in the letter, or the portrait, either. Flighty. No harm, madam ? do you take me for a fool ? whose likeness is it, madam ? who is the rascal, madam — who is he ? Mrs. Flighty. How can you be so ridiculous, Henry, to storm about nothing? 'tis only the likeness of my cousin! Flighty, Your cousin ! (aside.) The old story ! No, no, madam, that won't do for me. Cousins are very convenient persons, madam— Mrs. Flighty. So are uncles, sir. Flighty. Yes, madam — but I'll be hanged if I'll be cousincd by any body. I know better, madam. I'm too old a soldier to be deceived by a cousin. Who is he madam — who is he ? THE MARRIED RAKE. IT Mrs. Flighty. My cousin, sir, as I told you before. If you don't believe me I can't help it. I declare your be- havior is so outrageous, that I'm afraid of you. One would think by your conduct that you were jealous. Flighty. So I am, madam. Mrs. Flighty. What of a boy ? — my poor little cousin ! I'm ashamed of you ! I might as well be jealous of your uncle ! You've used me very ill! I wont bear it! I — I— (Sobbing.) I'll go to my mama ! [Exit into R. room, and drops the note. Flighty, (astonished.) Well, that's the coolest thing I ever heard ! Because I don't I don't like her to love other people, she says she's ill used, and will go home to her mama ! What a victim I am ! Nobody ever felt as I do — nobody ever deserved such treatment! I'm sure I don't. I never — damme, the least I say on that subject the better. Little did I think when /passed for a cousin, that 1 should ever have a wife who had one. I'll be divorced — 111 go abroad — I'll — (sees note.) She has dropped the note, (picks it up.) Pink paper — the fellow's in earnest, I see. (reading.) "Dearest Eliza." Curse his impudence ! " I will be under the window at three o'clock. Three o'clock ! (pulling out his watch.) — it wants but a few, minutes. "If you arc alone, strike a few notes on the guitar. Yonr's ever, Fitz- herbert Fitzhenry. P. S. — Your fool of a husband." — Eh? fool of a husband! I'll cut his throa^i — "is safe at Richmond, I suppose." So, so — he'll be under the window at three o'clock. He thinks I'm safe at Richmond, eh ? I'll murder him ! Let me see —a few notes on the guitar is to be the signal. I'll have him up, and blow his brains out ! Where is the damned, diabolical, cousining instru- ment? — here it is. (taking up Guitar.) Oh, you Confounded caterwauler ! you don't know what you've to answer for. Here's a situation for a husband ! playing the guitar to his wife's cousin ! (plays the guitar vnth furious gesture?.'; There — I think he'il hear. ,that ! Now, for my pistols — I'll settle his business at once*! [Exit c. o. L. Mrs. Trictrac enters from r. d., disguised' as an ofjicer, followed by Mrs. Flighty. Mrs. Trictrac, (laughing.) Poor Flighty! he doesn't 18 THE MARRIED RAKE. seem to relish his first dose —a few more will complete his cure. I don't think he'll recognise me. My brother's dress fits me admirably — in fact, I think I'm the beau ideal of a cavalry officer — at all events, I'm a ladies man, which every fellow in the service is, and ought to be. But hark! I hear Flighty returning. Now for the attack. (Kneeling.) Dearest Eliza ! I love you better than Enter Flighty, hastily, from c. d., with a case of pistols in his hand. Flighty. Death and the devil ! There he is ! I'm just in time, (advancing between them.) So, sir — so madam Mrs. Flighty, (pretending alarm) Oh, good gracious, my husband ! Mrs. Trictrac. Your husband! Flighty, my dear fel- low, how are you ? Flighty, (aside.) Curse his impudence,! Sir — madam — allow me to observe that I — you — she — he — my — crnduct is scandalous — shameful — damnable ! I'm not a man — I — Mrs. Trictrac. What? Flighty, I'm not a man, I say — to be insulted with impunity. I'm a fool — an ass — an idiot— Mrs. Flighty. I know you are. Flighty. Don't interrupt me, sir. I Kay I'm a fool not to have suspected — you deceitful woman — you damned puppy ! Don't laugh, or I'll throw you out of the window ! Leave the room, madam. (Exit, Mrs. Flighty, r. d.) I insist on immediate satisfaction. Here's a case of pistols. (trying to open it.) I'll shoot you, sir— I'll blow you to atoms ! Mrs. Trictrac. Fire away, my boy — I'm not afraid of you or your pistol case, Why don't you produce your weapons, if you intend to blow me to atoms ? Do it at once — I'm' quite ready. Don't keep me waiting; you've no idea how valuable my time is. Flighty. Confound it, I've lost my keys ! I can't open the case. Mrs. Trictrac. How unfortunate ! I should have like to have had a pop at you. I had made up my mind to have had a pop at you. I had made up my mind to a little THE MARRIED RAKE. 19 sport. (Leaning on Flighty's shoulder — he throws him off.) I would have betted five to four I would have drilled a hole through you — smashed that bust at your back, and shivered the looking-glass all at the same moment. Flighty. Would you, indeed? (aside.) He's a regular fire-eater — I shall be peppered — no matter? (aside.) Leave my house, sir— you shall hear from me— leave my house ! Mrs. Trictrac, (crossing to R.) Certainly, my dear boy, if you -wish it. Always happy to hear from you. 'Twould save a deal of trouble, though, if you could find your keys. Give me th; case — (trying to take it from him.) I'll break it open sooner than loose my shot. Flighty, (resisting.) No, sir— you shall meet me to-mor- row morning. Mrs. Tricktrac. Oh, very well — as you please. I'd rather have settled the thing at once. If we had come up to the scratch here, I'd have brought your head, the bust and the glass into one— put in the lead about here — (Hit- ting him on the ribs.) — and drilled you in a most superior style. Flighty. You are very kind. Mrs. Trictrac. Not at all, my dear boy. I'm famous for bringing down my man ! I'm told I've a good eye for it — never made up my mind to hit a fellow, but I made sure of him. I'm very fond of killing. Flighty, (aside.) What a butcher ! Mrs. Trictrac. I shall be sure to settle you, Flighty — you're a capital object. (Laughing.) What.'* the matter — you don't seem comfortable. (Laughing.) Oh, I remember — you are jealous; you don't like tny making love to your wife. (Laughing,) I can't help laughing to think how capitally she deceived you — you, above all men, who have made so many husbands unhappy. (Laughing.) You look quite deranged — quite Othello-ish. Your nose is turn- ing quite blue, and your eyes have such a thunder and lightning expression. (Laughing.) I dare say your friend. Sir Charles Simple, looked just as you do, when he dis- covered your picture in his wife's dressing-room. [Laughing. Flighty. This is beyond bearing. Sir, I— leave my house, sir I 20 THE MARRIED RAKE. Mrs. Trictrac. You and Sir Charles would match well in a curricle, Flighty! [Laughing. Flighty. Leave my house, sir ! Don't make me forget you arcunder my roof 1 Begone, sir, begone ! Mrs. Trictrac. Certainly, my dear boy, certainly. As we do not meet until to-morrow morning, I shall have plenty of time to amuse my friends with the particulars of our little affair, and send a notice of it to the newspaper, as an interesting and laughable occurrence in high life, called" The Jealous Husband; or, the Deceiver Deceived!" (Laughing.) Good bye, old fellow. You mustn't mind being laughed at — your case is not singular. The next lime you take a fancy to a friend's wife, be certain nobody returns the compliment by taking a fancy to your's. Adieu ! I shall never forget the expression of your face ! (Laughing ) What a fool you looked, when you couldn't open the pistol-case ! [Exitc. d. r., laughing Flighty. I shall go mad! (Walks up and down in a great rage icitli his Hinds in his Pockets, then takes a Chair kicks it away, §c.) I'm settled. What a fool I've been ! If I had for a moment supposed I'm in a dreadful situation ! I shall be the laughing-stock of all my friends. I, who have been the terror of* husbands, to be so regularly duped! I'll be revenged at all events. I'll hoot the rascal — if I can — then I'll Susan enters c. d. cautiously, and endeavours to steal in to R. e. Room — Flighty observes, and brings her forward Susan. (Screaming.) Oh, sir, how you frightened me ! Don't look so hateful ! I'm a hinnocent girl. I can't help your misfortunes. I never did nothing wrong in all my life ! Flighty. Come, come Mrs. Innocence, you can't deceive me. I know that you are that young rascal's agent— I saw you give your mistress a letter from him. I'm not blind — I'm awake to all your manoeuvres. You are the letter-car- rier, the message-bearer, the sentinel, the spy, the conveni- ent go-between— you modest, innccent, deceitlul, deluding, diabolical maid servant ! Susan. I deny the dispersion. I'm not a postman-— I THE MARRIED RAKE. 21 never deluded nobody — I aynt convenient — I never went between nothing — I aynt dialogical — you know I aynt. I'm your wife's own woman, and I aynt a maid servant. Flighty. Now tell me this moment all you know about your mistress and that young officer, or I'll murder you ! [Shaking her. Susan. Oh, don't — don't shake me so — I aynt fond of percussions. I'll do anything, if you'll be quiet and keep your hands off. (Flighty relepses her.) Oh, dear! I never was so conglomerated in my life. What a flustration you've put me in, surely. I declare I don't know whether I'm standing on my head or my feet — I'm quite wisey wersey Flighty. Now, answer — who is that officer? [Pointing to c. d. with furious action. Susan. What hossiferl I don't see nobody. Flighty. No prevarication ! The young puppy your mistress is so fond of Susan. She aynt fond of no young puppy that I knows on, except it are the little poodle she had give her last week. Flighty. Curse the poodle ! (Aside.) She's an old hand, and wants a bribe. (Giving Money.) There — now try if you can give a direct answer. Susan. Yes, sir — thank you, sir. Flighty. Who is he ? Susan. A hossifer. Flighty. I know — but what is he ? Susan. A handsome, beautysome young man. Flighty. Pshaw ! you won't understand. What's his name? Susan. Hornet Fitz something — but I don't know what. Flighty. What regiment does he belong to? Susan. The horse-something. I don't Hiclarly remem- ber, but I think it's Blue Dragons, or the Horse Marine Distillery. Flighty. (Aside.) Confound her stupidity! Does he often come here ? Susan. Yes, sir, very often— whenever you go to Rich- mond. 22 THE MARRIED RAKE. Flighty Indeed ! What a cursed idiot I have been ! Susan. You have indeed, sir. Flighty. Do you think so ? Susan. Yes, sir, certain — positive. While you were with your uncle, the Hornet was always here with missis. I had a great mind to send you a synonymous 'letter about it, but I was afeard. Flighty. Now, let us understand each other. If you'll watch your mistress, and give me notice of all her pro- ceedings, I will reward you ; but if I find you attempting to [deceive me, I'll turn you out of doors. Now, which will you do— serve me or your mistress ? Susan. You, sir, if you please. Flighty. Very well. Now go and see what she is about. Susan. Yes, sir ; but don't put yourself in a quandary, It can't be helped. We all has our little weaknesses. Yours is Lady Simple — mississes is lionet Fitzturbot — and mine is Tom Smith the baker ! [Exit into room, b. Flighty. Deceitful woman ! Why did I marry ? I ought to have known better, after all my experience, to run so great a risk. How my friends will laugh. I can never show my face in the world again ! I shall be caricatured in the print shops — pointed at in the streets — and ridiculed by all my acquaintances. If I don't get drilled to-mor- row, I'll go to America — nobody shall ever hear of me again. Enter John, c. d. r. Well, sir — what do you want ? John. A lady, sir, wishes to see you. Flighty. What lady ? John. I don't know, sir — she would not give me her name. She told me to say she came from your uncle at Richmond Flighty, (aside.) The devil ! 'tis Lady Simple ! What on earth can have induced her to come here ! (Aloud.) Say I'm not home. John. It's of no use, sir — she's on the stairs coming up Flighty. Confound your stupidity ! Leave the room, sir. (Exit John.) How cursed unlucky ! What shall I do with her. THE MARRIED RAKE. 23 Enter Susan, r. c. disguised as Lady[Simple — she throws herself into Flighty's arms. My. dear Lady Simple, what is the matter ? why are you here ? Speak — pray speak. (Susan sobs violently.) Damn it, she's going to faint ! What the devil shall I do ? Here — here, sit down. (Gives a chair, l.) If my wife should see me ! (Kneeling, and slapping Susan's hand.) Fanny ! Fanny ! my dear Fanny, you'll ruin me ! pray be com- posed. (Susan kicks and screams.) Fanny ! Fanny ! my dear Fanny ! Enter Mrs. Flighty, from r. room. Mrs. Flighty. What do I see ? A woman fainting, and my husband calling her his dear Fannv ! What are you about, sir ? — (Flighty turns, and jumps up in confusion.) Who is that lady 1 Flighty. I don't know, my cousin, madam. — (To Susan.) Fanny — Fanny, here's my wife ; don't faint any more — come to yourself. (Susan kicks and screatns.) Damn it, she's worse than ever ! It's all up with me ! Mrs. Flighty. I'm ashamed of you, sir. This is one of your vile intrigues ! Oh, you monster ! to deceive your affectionate wife — to pretend so much love for me, and then to have a dear Fanny ! It's shocking — it's dreadful ! I can't bear it — I shall faint — I — oh— oh Faints on a chair, r. Flighty. A fainting duett ! What will become of me 1 Nothing can stand against this ! Eliza — Eliza ! Fanny — Fanny ! — (Turning from one to the other.) — don't make damned fools of yourselves. (Both scream and kick.) I'm very sorry — I'll never do so again. I'll do anything you please. Damme, if I know what to do ! [Crosses to r. Enter Mas. Trictrac, r. c. in her own dress — she goes down c. Mrs. Trictrac. Ah ! good heavens ! my dear friend faint" ing ! Lady Simple, too ! Oh, you barbarian — you vile wretch — you terrible Turk ! The shock is too much for me— my head turns round ! Oh, dear, I'm going I I — oh — oh — oh [Faints on a chair, c. Flighty. Damme, there's a trio ! I must faint myself, 24 THE MARRIED RAKE. and make up a quartette. Ladies — {Going from one to the other.) — my dear Eliza Mrs. Flighty, (screaming.) Oh ! Flighty. Mrs Trictrac- Mrs. Trictrac, (screaming.) Oh ! Flighty. Fanny ! Susan, (screaming.) Oh ! Flighty, (taking up the last scream — in a great rage.) Oh ! pray, be cairn. I cannot endure all this kicking and screaming ! (all scream together.) If all three of you don't come too directly, I'll leave you to fight it out by your- selves. Now Eliza Mrs. Flighty, ( pushing him away.) You wretch ! Flighty. Mrs. Trictrac Mrs. Trictrac. Don't touch me, sir. Flighty. Fanny (Susan rises, bursts into a loud cry. and throws her arms around his neck.) Oh, the devil ! worse and worse ! Mrs. Flighty, (jumping up.) Shocking depravity! be- fore my very lace ! Come away, from her, sir ! [Pulling him — Susan pulls the other way. Mrs. Trictrac, (jumping up.) I'll help you, Eliza. Let go, sir— [All three drag him from one side to the other, and up downthe Stage — Mrs. Trictrac behind him. Flighty. I shall be murdered ! I'm ashamed to call for help. Let me go, ladies — pray, release me ! Give me fair play, and don't all set upon me at once. (They all beat him round the stage.) One at a time, pray. (Breaks away, jumps on the sofa, and holds up one of the pillows in a threat- ening attitude.) What an escape ! I demand a parley — I'm ready to accede to any terms, if you'll keep the peace. Mrs. Trictrac, (h. c.) Will you promise never to go to Richmond again? Flighty. Yes. Mrs. Trictrac. Never to neglect your wife? Flighty. Yes. Mrs. Trictrac. To become a steady husband ? Flighty. Yes. Mrs. Trictrac. In short— you'll stay at home, love your wife, forsake dissipation, and do whatever I please. THE MARRIED RAKE. 25 Flighty. Yes. Mrs. Trictrac. Very well. Then, Eliza, I think we must forgive him. What do you say ? Mrs. Flighty. I have no objection. Mrs. Trictrac. Give him your hand, then. (Mrs. Flighty crosses to c.) But I had forgot Lady Simple — per- haps she won't consent to part with her dear Henry ? Susan, (r.) I aynt got no objection as I knows on. Flighty, (l. astonished.) Knows on ! who's that with a nose en ? Not Lady Simple, I'm certain. Susan, (throwing up her veil.) No, sir, it be I — Susan Twist. I hope no offence. I arnt done no wrong. I'm only a happ'irition. Flighty. So, so — I've been nicely tricked and made a fool of. Mrs. Trictrac. Most decidedly, my dear boy. If you are refractory, "I'll bring your head, the bust, and the looking-glass into one, put in the lead about here — {hitting him.) — and drill you in a most superior style." Flighty, (astonished.) What, were you ihe officer? — What an ass I have made of myself. Susan. You have indeed sir — quite a lustrious one. Flighty. Forgive me, Eliza. I'll profit by the lesson I have received* to-day, and never do anything to disturb our matrimonial felicity. Mrs. Trictrac. Wisely resolved— and now, i" must ask pardon for my transgressions. [Advancing to the audience. Of you, kind friends, who round me sit, In Boxes, Gallery, and Pit — Your plaudits and your smiles to gain, I hope I have not tried in vain. If you'll forgive, and kindly take, A lesson from " The Married Rake." Again I'll " don " my martial gear, Nor fear to meet a welcome here. DISPOSITION OF THE CHARACTERS AT THE FALL OF THE CURTAIN. Li C* R. Susan. Mrs. Trictrac. Mrs. Flighty. Mr. Flighty-- :. ■3m?^ LIBRARY OF CONGRESS I I 014 529 418 6 • | » : WS> "