7 Copyrighted, 1876. FRENCH'S PARLOR COMEDIES. A new series of selected plays for Amateurs. The finest issued partly owing to the plays themselves, and also on account of the sup erica | manner they are published, being printed on the finest tinted paper, with an elaborate cover. The costumes, scenery, properties, stage di- rections, &c, are graphically described, and the publishers will leave nothing undone to make this particular list perfect. No. 1. Our Best Society, . . . .by Irving Browne. No. 2. How She Loves Him, . . by Dion Boucicault, in press. No. 3. A Leader of Fashion, . . by Fred. Lacy, in press. Others will follow in rapid succession. FRENCH'S AMATEUR OPERAS, fob" stage and drawikg-koom. Comprising some of the best works of the great composers, and ar- ranged so that they can be performed in any drawing-room. Each book is complete in itself, containing the Libretto, Stage Directions, Music, Costumes, and Properties, elegantly finished and the size of ordinary music, illuminated cover. Price, each, . . . 40 cents. This series is superior to any other published in the United States. Six now ready ; M F The Rose of Auvergne, or " Spoiling the Broth," 1 act. Music by Offenbach. Libretto by H. B. Farnie, . . . .21 The Blind Beggars, by Offenbach, 1 act, . . .21 The Barber of Bath, Offenbach, 1 act, . . . . 3 1 My New Maid, composed by Charles Lecocq, 1 act, . . 2 A Fit of the Blues, composed by V. Robillard, 1 act, . .11 Trial by Jury, composed by Arthur Sullivan, 1 act. Words by W. S. Gilbert. This is very amusing and very pretty. There are five males as well as 12 jurymen, the chorus, and one female character and eight bridesmaids, also the chorus. If these numbers are not convenient, any will do. FRENCH'S SCENES FOR AMATEURS, From approved designs. Representing scenes suitable for any piece. These are invaluable to amateur scene painters, and also a great guide and help to a professional. Price, Colored, each, . . . . .30 cents. " Plain, each, . . - . . . 15 " 1. Cottage, Interior. 2. " Exterior 3. Wood 4. Prison 5. Field 6. Castle I 11. Street, Foreign 7. Street | 12. Roadside Inn, with Palace 9. Drawing-room 10. Library river and bridge FRENCH'S PARLOR COMEDIES. ISTo. S. MY MOTHER-IN-LAW; OR, A DIVORCE WANTED. Adapted, from the French, of " Le Proees Veradieux, BY" J. V. PRICHARD. Now being played under the titles of "Great Divorce Case, "Life," and "Wanted, a Divorce." % €omti% m Cljm %d*. or co: Copyrighted, 1876. [fa NEW YORE: Samuel French & Son, PUBLISHERS, Xo. 133 Nassau Street, LONDON: Samuel French, PUBLISHED, 8Q sTii^ig-aD. DRAMATIS FEUSONM. Major EODNEY TUMBLEBULL. Mb. JOHNSTON JOHNS. Mb. SILENUS COBB. Lobd MORDAUNT BLINKERS. CHIEF OF POLICE. SECRETARY OF POLICE. Hon. Mbs. CHATTERTON STILL. Mbs. JOHNSTON JOHNS. Mbs. EMILY BELCHER. Lady MORDAUNT BLINKERS. KATE, \ ANGELINA, >• SERVANTS. SOPHIA, ) Seme : The First and Third Acts in the Study of Mr. Johnston Johns, in London. The Second, at the residence of Mrs. Belcher. Time : The preseni. COSTUMES. Ma, >r Rodney Tumbelbull.— A balf-military fatigue suit, with silk hat, gloves and cane. Mr, Johnston Johns. — First Dress, handsome walking suit. Second Dress, ordinary light morning suit. Mr. Silentjs Cobb.— The same. Lord Moedaunt Blinkebs.— First Dress, full evening suit, white gloves and opera hat. Second Dress, handsome walking suit, silk hat, gloves and cane. Chief op Police. — Policeman's suit. Secbetaby.— Plain black suit. Hon. Mrs. Chattebton Still.— First Dress, afternoon street suit, bonnet, gloves, etc. Second Dress, morning street suit, bonnet, gloves, para- sol. Mrs. Johnston Johns.— Pretty dinner dress in First Act. White muslin morning dress in Third Act. Mrs. Emily Belcheb.— First Dress, a negligee house dress. Second DresS, elegant evening costume. Lady Mobdaukt Blinkebs.— Elegant street dress, bonnet, gloves, parasol. Kate, Angelina and Sophia.— Ordinary servants' dresses. PROPERTIES. Act Fibst.— Table with writing materials and legal documents. Lawyers' green bags fcr Johns and Cobb. Black coat and hat for Johns. Shawl for the Major. Feather duster for Angelina. Act Second.— Two pictures on the wall, one of them representing a little dog. Lighted lamp on table. Pack of cards. Bouquet for Cobb. Two shillings for Johns. Two button-hole bouquets for Johns. Door-key for Johns. Vinaigrette for Mrs. Belcher. Glass of water. Dressing- gown and smoking-cap for Johns. Tea-tray and service. Act Thibd.— Package for Johns, with coat and hat in it. Black coat and jammed hat for Mrs. Still. Visiting cards for Kate. Clock on man- tel. Packet of papers for Lady Blinkers. Vase on chimney. L. C. R. r~ 1 Chair. 1 \ / Double Doors. Chair V hi 1 0| i P O Chair. o\ A<. ' Table. 1 o Chair. / \ L. C. Front View. E. Acts Fikst and Third. — The Study in Mr. Johnston Johns' House. L. Back. C. R. / 1 1 \ / ^PHi Double Doors. /^~~~!& Flowers. / A* / O Chair. Flowers. C~~\ o *\ Chair. £ \ \ ? \ / if ° / Boo*. $ / O Chair. it A 9 -\ o c -\ Chair. \ E. Front View. Act Second.— The Drawing-room in Mrs. Belcher's House. Ths stage directions are given as viewed from the auditorium. MY MOTHER-IN-LAW. ACT I. Scene. — The study of Mr. Johnston Johns.- Two doors on the right ; one door and a chimney-piece on the left. Double doors at the back. On the r. c, a large writing-table, covered with books, paper, briefs, etc. L. c, a sofa. Chairs and furniture dress the scene. (As the curtain rises, Johnston Johns is discovered seated at the table, taking papers out of a lawyer's green hag.) Kate. (Putting lier head in at the doors at oack.) Mr. Mr. (Forgets the name.) Johns. Well, what is it ? Kate. I've forgotten bis name. Johns. Go and find out then. [Exit Kate. J That girl be- comes a greater fool every day ! Kate. (Putting in her head.) Mr. Silenus Cobb, the advocate. Johns. (Aside.) Happy fate! (Aloud.) Show the gen- tleman up, Kate. Enter Silenus Cobb, laughing ; he stops at the oack; has a green tag under his arm. Cobb. Is Mr. Johnston Johns at home ? Kate. (Laughing loudly.) What a stupid! Don't you see him? Johns. (Advancing and shaking hands with Cobb.) Silence, Tomkins | Co^b^ (Astonished.) Tomkins! Is that your new maid's name? Kate. Oh, no, sir! My name's Kate — Kate Diggles. Native born of Abergavenny. Master's only joking. Johns. Tomkins! Kate. What do you call me that for? Johns. (Recollecting.) Oh, by-the-by, yes. I must explain. My step-mother, you see, had Kate sent up from the country. Kate. Be good enough to say, from out of town, not from the country. Johns. Silence, I say ! She took the place of our late Buttons, who was called Tomkins ; and so from the force of habit I call Kate Tomkins. Do you see ? 6 Cobb. She's a droll piece, at all events, this Tomkins— Kate. (Places his bag on the table.) Johns. (To Kate.) Is my mother-in-law in? Kate. Yes, sir. Do you want me to speak to her? Johns. Just be good enough to say, Please, sir, shall I speak to her ? Don't forget that, especially when I'm not alone. Kate. "Well, please, sir, shall I stir up the old lady ? Johns. No! Leave me ! [Exit Katk .] Well, my dear Cobb, you have come just in the nick of time. Cobb. How so? Johns. Five minutes later and you would have missed me. We should probably have passed each other on the way; for I was just starting to call upon you. Cobb. Some particular business? Johns. (Lowering his voice and looldng round.') Yes. And you-- Cobb. (Lowering his voice and looldng round.) Something particular also. I must be free by nine o'clock this even- ing. Johns. Stay ! So must I, by eight. Cobb. And was that the reason you were coming to me? Johns. Exactly. I was going to beg you to drop me a line, which should serve as a pretext for my wife. Cobb. Indeed. I was going to ask you to do the very same thing for me. We may as well write the letters to- gether. Johns. Have you some of your own paper in the bag there? Cobb. Plenty. (He takes a sheet of paper from the bag, seats himself at one side of the table, while Johns sits at the other.) So, are you in some fix? Johns. Alas, yes. Cobb. My poor friend ! Some pecuniary trouble? Johns. Worse. A mother-in-law. Johns and Cobb. (Writing.) Dear confrere — Johns. (Writing.) It is my duty to recall to your mind — Cobb. (Writing.) I have the honor of warning you — Johns. (Writing.) That this evening— (Speaking.) What hour are you going to say? Cobb. Nine o'clock. Johns. Eight o'clock for me. (Writing.) We have a — (Speaking.) Which would you say — an arbitration or a re- port? Cobb. Oh, say an arbitration. Sounds bigger. JonNS. (Writing. ^ An arbitration — Cobb. Writing.) In the— (Speaking.) What trial would you say? Johns In the Chcatwell trial. You know old Cheat- well? Cobb. Grood ! Cheatwell, by all manner of means. (Both write.) in, an idea! John:;,. What is it? Cobb. If we dine together, what do you say to a regular blow-on!; at the Criterion? Johns. Splendid! I was to dine with my mother-in-law ; but this is deliverance. Cobb. All right. (Writing.) As it is important that we should confer beforehand, meet me at — Johns. (Writing.) Six o'clock, precisely. Johns and Cobb. (Writing.) Don't fail. (They write and sign.) Cobb. Envelope! (They fold paper and place in envelopes.*) Johns. Where shall we meet? Cobb. At the corner of Oxford and Regent streets. Johns. Agreed. Now the address. (Writes.) Silenus Cobb, Esq., Cobb. (Writing.) Johnston Johns, Esq. (Speaking.) Got a stamp? (Both place stamps on their letters.) There, it is done. Now give me yours and I'll put it in the post. Johns. Let us say five o'clock at Regent Circus. (They rise and shake hands.) Cobb. (Laughing.) My dear boy, I thought you the most sedate and uxorious being that ever lived. Johns. Well, my Alice is a charming wife, and I. love her very much ; but — Cobb. Don't explain. Quite natural. I never yet met a hen-pecked husband who did not begin by adoring his wife. Johns. But I assure you — Cobb. There, there. Don't swear by the conjugal infi- del itieg. Johns. My dear friend — Cobb. If the statement is false that a husband deceives, his wife because he loves her, it is also true that he loves her because lie deceives her. In a word, you adore your wife ; but — Johkh. It is the fault of my mother-in-law. You have no mother-in-law, and are no judge. Ah ! Did you know mine? Such an aggravating being ! Always after me, morning and evening. When I'm out, she rummages over my papers and in my pockets. When I'm in, she comes upon me like a bomb with some excuse about her umbrella, her gloves, or her handkerchief ; but in reality to find out who I'm with, what I'm saying, or what I'm doing. Silence ! Here she is. Enter l. Mrs. Chatterton Still. Mrs. Still. Son-in-law, have you seen my umbrella? Johns. {Aside to Cobb.) What did I tell you ? Her um- brella ! Mrs. Still. Oh, pardon me. I'm disturbing you. {Aside to Johns.) Who is this man? Johns. {Aside.) A fellow lawyer. Mrs. Still. {Aside.) Present me. Johns. {Aside.) But I — Mrs. Still. {Aside, sternly.) Present me ! Johns. Mr. Cobb, advocate. The Honorable Mrs. Chat- terton Still, my mother-in-law. {Theij salute.) Mrs. S. {To Cobb.) I ask your pardon, sir. I was looking for my umbrella. Cobb. {Looking about.) Allow me, Madam — Mrs. S. Oh, what a goose I am, to be sure ! I left it in the hall. I'll take it as I go out. {Aside to Johns.) Rather a lively character for an advocate. Johns. {Aside.) That's not my fault. Mrs. S. {Saluting Cobb.) Mr. Cobb. Cobb. {Saluting.) Your most obedient. [Exit Mrs. S.] Johns. {Aside.) What an incubus ! {Aloud.) Well, my friend, that is the way it is from morning till night. Be- sides, she is forever putting ideas into my wife's head that I am a deceiver, and such nonsense. Oh, to be rid of my mother-in-law ! But just a week ago, such a charming little episode occurred. Cobb. Quite by chance? Johns. Oh, quite so. An affair in an omnibus. Chance, you see, pure chance. Cobb. So? I congratulate you. Johns. {Li raptures.) Such delightful evenings ! Such a drawing-room! And then the calm. Cobb. Yes, the calm. Johns. When I compare it to the turmoil in this house ! Cobb. What's her name? Johns. Mrs. Belcher — Emily Belcher. Emily — and a blonde. Cobb. Oh, I'm acquainted with a brunette ! A protegee of a horrid old major somebody. {Looks at his watch.) One o'clock. I must go to court, and on my way I'll drop the letters in the post. Johns. {Going with Cobb to door at "back.) Five o'clock. Cobb. Regent and Oxford Streets. [Exit Cobb. Johns. Well, well, well ! If misery loves company, plea- sure is not behind in showing a similar good taste. Mrs. Still. {Outside.) Good-by, dear ; I'm going out. Johns. Oh, Lord! I can't face her again! [Exit, it. Enter l. Mrs. Chatterton Still and Mrs. Johnston Johns. Mrs. S. Oh, they're gone ! Mrs. J. Johnston must be out. Mrs. S. He's always out. Believe me, Alice, you must speak to-day. Mrs. J. Yes, mamma. Mrs. S. Be firm. Mrs. J. Yes, mamma. - Mrs. S. And in case of need, say I wish it. Mrs. J. Yes, mamma. Mrs. S. I know these men. I tell you, if Johnston Johns, an advocate without a client, remains in London, he is lost ! You are lost ! We are all lost ! Mrs. J. But, mamma, you frighten me. Mrs. S. No need of that, so long as your mother is on the watch. But I will have your husband leave London. Oh, if he had a client — just one! He should leave a light burn- ing in this study all night ; it would make people think he was at work. Adieu. Remember, we all dine together this evening. Mrs. J. Yes, mamma. [Exit Mrs. Still at ths hack. Johns. {Putting Ms head in at door r.) Is she gone ? Mrs. J. {Starting.) What! arc you there ? Why have you not said good-by to mamma ? Johns. Because I said good day to her when she came. Mrs. J. You are not civil to her; and shclcves you so dearly. She talks to me constantly of you. . Johns. {Aside.) Too much ; too much altogether. Mrs. J. {Sitting on sofa.) Come, sit by me here. Let us talk over an idea she had tbis morning. Johns. {Aside.) An idea of my mother-in-law ? Take care! Mrs. J. You remember Balefield Lodge ? (Johns sits.) Johns. Your mother's estate near Bristol ? Where we had such a nice time ? Mrs. J. {Joyously.) Oh, did we not ? Johns. {Aside.) Humph! crackiug each other's jaws. Mrs. J. What charming society is there! Johns. Of course. The curate, the sheriff, and the veteri- nary surgeon. 10 Mrs. J. We played cards every evening. Johns. Yes, for nothing, and went to bed at nine o'clock, like so many chickens. Excellent for the health. Mrs. J. Well, why should we not go there and live per- manently ? Johns. (Aghast.) And leave London ? Mrs. J. Of course. Johns. That is an idea. (Aside.) Absurd ! (Aloud.) And one of your mother's notions. Mrs. J. Why, "yes. Johns. Oh, I'm not astonished ! Mrs. J. (Rising.) The place of Justice of the Peace is vacant there, and mamma says she is certain she could obtain it for you. Johns. You may thank your mother ; but I'm not ambi- tious. I'm no respecter of honor. Mrs. J. Life in London is becoming more and more expen- sive; and, as mamma says, it is a dangerous place for a man who has nothing to do. Johns. Who has nothing to do ! Why, I'm an advocate. Mrs. J. But you never plead. And after two years of married life, you are still expecting your first case. Johns. Oh, it will come in time. I go to court every day, and walk up and down in my gown and wig. Oh, I'm well known. Mrs. J. That's all very well, but — Johns. Now, my dear Alice, don't you trouble yourself about me. Don't dream of going into the country. You, young and brilliant as you are, and I, with every promise of success and a name, go and shut ourselves up in a hole ! Rust out in a village with four or five mummies— Mrs. J. Well, obtain a case then. That is necessary, at all events, to quiet mamma. She is determined we shall leave London, and I am in the habit of obeying her, because — well, because she is always right. Johns. Well, now you be quiet. I will go and call upon the President of the Assizes this very day. Mrs. J. Do so, by all means. Explain to him your situa- tion. Perhaps he may — Johns. Give me an office with twelve shillings an hour, or so. Mrs. J. It is not much, I know, but it will please mamma, and that is a great deal. Mrs. Still. (Outside.) Hold your tongue ! Mrs. J. There's mamma. Johns. So it seems. (Goes to r.) 11 Enter Mrs. Still, in a rage. Mrs. S. You are an insolent hussy ! Do you hear ? inso- lent! Johns. What is the trouble, mother-in-law ? Mrs. S. That miserable — See here. You must dismiss the cook this instant. Johns. {Aside.) Halloo ! Another one to go ? Mrs. J. What has happened ? Mrs. S. In going out, just now, I said to myself, Stop ; I'll just take a look into the kitchen. Lo! Angelina was not there ; she never is. Johns. (Aside?) What a whopper ! Mrs. S. (Loolcing at J. severely.) There are some people who are always out. Johns. (Aside.) Caught. Mrs. S. I availed myself of the opportunity to take a gen- eral inspection of the premises; and fancy what I found. A letter in a sauce-pan ! I was just beginning to read it when that girl came in ; and in the first place she never said good morning to me! Ang. (Putting her head in at tlie doors 7>acfc.) Excuse me, madam; I said good morning. Mrs. S. Oh, you're listening now, are you? Mrs. J. Go away, Angelina. Ang. (Aside.) It's many a time I've left the last word to her. (She disappears.) Mrs. S. I had just commenced to make some observations, for her good, of course, when I heard her mumbling. Mrs. J. What did she mumble? Mrs. S. She was calling me an old warming-pan. Mrs. J. (Horrified.) Oh, mamma! Johns. (Laughing.) Warming-pan! Mrs. S. (Severely.) And you can laugh! (r button-hole bouquets, and gives one to Cobb ; they place tJiem in their coats.) Cobb. Thanks ; a little decoration. Johns. Imparts a distingue air, you know. Enter Mrs. Belcher in full dress, l. Exit Sophia, r. Mrs. B. Gentlemen, I am distressed at being obliged to keep you waiting. Johns and Cobb. (Bowing.) Don't mention it, madam. Mrs. B. (To Johns.) Good evening! (They shale hands.) Johns. Permit me to present my friend, Sir Drake Watts. Cobb. (Aside.) What's he say ? Johns. (Hitting Cobb behind.) A secretary of legation. Cobb. (Aside.) Thunder! Johns. Decorated with several foreign Orders, and the 24 poet of the hour. (Aside to Cobb :) Now you're in clear water. Mrs. B. (Advancing and talcing Cobb's hand.) Sir Drake, I'm enchanted to meet you, especially as you are a friend of Mr. Green Greville. Cobb. (Aside.) Green Greville ! Johns. (Aside.) That is I. Cobb. (Aside.) What next ? Mrs. B. Be seated, I pray. Johns. (Presenting Cobb's bouquet.) Dear Mrs. Belcher, will you do me the pleasure to accept these few flowers ? Mrs. B. (Graciously.) You never have forgotten how I love flowers. Johns. (Gallantly.) They are a charming reminiscence to me of you, and 1 trust the rule works both ways. Mrs. B. What a charming sentiment! (She rises and places the bouquet in a vase upon the mantel.) Cobb. (Aside.) Thunder, man! That's my bouquet you are giving away there ! Johns. (Aside.) Oh, you can take it when you go. * Mrs. B. (Returning to the sofa.) Well, Sir Drake, what is there new at the Embassy ? Cobb. (Embarrassed.) Well — (aside) — he may have put me in clear water, but it's mighty deep all the same. (Aloud :) There is really nothing new under the sun. You know, politics — Johns. (Disgusted.) Politics! Cobb. Remain about the same. One party skirmishes here — ( With a gesture.) Johns. (Mocking him.) And another there. Cobb. And some — Mrs. B. (Laughing.) Skirmish all round. Cobb. That's about it. I see you understand. It is rather tiresome for those 'who want to stand in the middle to be skirmished on all sides. Johns. (Aside.) Lor! He's done for. Mrs. B. (Aside.) How very stupid, for a nobleman! Cobb. (Aside.) I'm positively afraid of her. Mrs. B. (Rising.) Won't you have a cup of tea, Sir Drake ? Cobb. Oh, thanks, yes! (Aside to Johns:) My time has come. Mrs. B. I'm going to ring for the tea. (Goes to mantel.) Cobb. I must confess to feeling a little indisposed tnis evening. Mrs. B. Oh, the tea will put you all right. 25 Cobb. (Rising.) No, I think I had better go. Mrs. B. Shall I send for a cab ? Cobb. Oh, there^s no need, thank you. Johns. (Aside.) He's nothing to pay for one with. Mrs. B. (Insisting.) Oh, yes. Pray allow me. My ser- vant will summon one in a moment. Johns. Sir Drake does not require a cab. (Aside to Cobb :) Don't make a fool of yourself. Tell her the truth. Mrs. B. (Astonished.) The truth ? Johns. Yes ; it is that my friend desires to make a call in this neighborhood. It is nine o'clock, and Miss Coddle- ton will be expecting him. Mrs. B. Miss Coddleton ! Why, she is my cousin, and is staying with me. She is in the music room at this very moment. Cobb. (Aside.) It's all up with Sir Drake now. Mrs. B. I will accompany, and introduce you. Cobb. A thousand thanks, madam. (Aside :) Oh, Lord ! Mrs. B. (Aside to Johns.) I will return in a moment. (They speak together.) Cobb. Oh, my bouquet ! (Rushes to the mantel and raises the bouquet.) No use. She has put it in water. (Mrs. B. goes, r.) (Aside to Johns:) Wretch, she's put it in water! (Saluting Mrs. B.) Madam. [Exeunt Mrs. B. and Cobb, r. Johns. (Laughing.) Ah, poor Cobb, how embarrassed he was. (Throws himself upon a sofa.) Oh, how nice it is here, to be sure ; so quiet. The flowers, the hangings, the light — all, all is Elysian. And then to be rid of forever hearing that sharp voice, " son-in-law, son-in-law. " (Rises.) Posi- tively, when my mother-in-law is not round, I am a man ; I expand. (Sits at piano and drums a tune.) Ang. (Entering at the ~bac~k.) Why, here I am again. I've lost my way. Johns. (Perceives her with terror.) Angelina ! Here ? (He turns his tack and begins to sound a key furiously.) Ang. (Starting.) Oh, pardon me, sir. Johns. ( Changing his wice. ) I'm the tuner ! the tuner ! Ang. (Aside.) This tuner seems uncomfortable about something. Johns. (Tapping the keys.) Go away ! go away ! Ang. I'm going, sir. (Disappears at back.) Johns. (Rising, terrified.) Angelina ! Am I watched ? Angelina here? It cannot be possible. I must be suffering from some temporary derangement ! Well, for the sake of prudence, I'll just close that door, and confiscate the key. (Closes door at back, and pockets the key.) -There. 26 Ang. {Entering, ft.) Well done. This house is a regular maze. (Sees Johns.) What ! Johns. (Wildly.) Well ! Ang. You here, sir ? Johns. Yes — that is to say, no. I was passing, and merely came up. Ang. Why, Sophy said that Mrs. Belcher's oeau was up here. Johns. (Horrified.) Will you be quiet ! Ang. (Darting round a sofa, followed uy Johns.) Oh, Mr. Johns ! Johns. Plague take you I If you say one word — But you don't know me ; you have never seen me before. Ang. (Laughing.) Ah, ha ! What, Mr. Johnston Johns, the advocate ? Johns. (Excited.) Here ! Here's a sovereign. Ang. (Taking it.) Why, it's only a shilling, sir. Johns. (Pushing her out.) Oh, that's all right. (Angelina goes out, r. Johns falls upon a chair.) Ang. (Putting in her Tiead.) If you'll speak a good word for me, I'll not tell what — Johns. (Rising.) Yes, yes. I'll say all you want me to say, only go away ! (Pushes her, it., and closes the dooi\) Good heavens ! How my heart beats! If that girl remains here, she will speak ! She must leave, and at once. I'll find her a place — in Africa. I would not have her doubt me for worlds. Here she is. Mrs. B. (Entering, r.) Well, here I am again. Now I'm all yours. (Sits iqwn sofa, r., Johns sits oeside her.) Johns. Ah ! I have awaited you impatiently. Mrs. B. See ! a new ring. (Shows her hand.) Johns. Like your new maid, I don't recognize it. Mrs. B. Oh, she is Sophy's cousin. My jeweler insisted I should take it, but I hesitated. Johns. Well, don't keep her ; she's a very bad cook. Mrs. B. I was not speaking of the cook, but of this ring. Johns. Oh, keep the ring by all means ; it is superb. Mrs. B. And not so very dear ; only two hundred pounds. Johns. Oh, that's nothing. What do you call her ? Mrs. B. It is an emerald. Johns. Kot your ring ; your maid. Mrs. B. Oh, Angelina, I believe. Angelina. (Appears, r., listening.) They are talking about 27 Mrs. B. It is very bright ; and they assured ine it was faultless. Johns. Oh, well. But the very best servants have some faults. Mrs. B. (Puzzled.) What ? Johns. Do you know where she comes from ? Mrs. B. Who ? What ? Johns. Why, this woman, Angelina ! Mrs. B. It seems to me the girl interests you in an extra- ordinary way. She appears to be a mania wrth you. Can't you attend to me ? Ano. (Aside.) He is going to recommend me now. Johns. I merely wish to say that the girl displeases me particularly. Ang. (Starting.) Ah, the wretch ! Johns. You know I have strong prejudices, and she — Ano. Listen to him ! Mrs. B. Oh, well, what matters it? I'll dismiss her. That's all. I will send her away to-morrow. Johns. (Kisses Iter hand.) That is a greater favor than I dared to ask. Ang. Oh, I'll be revenged ! [Disappears. Mrs. B. But my ring — it is not paid for. Johns. It shall be. Trust me. (Aside:) Though Heaven knows where the money is to come from ! Sophia. (Entering in haste.) Mistress, mistress! Mrs. B. What is it, Sophy ? Sophia. Lord Mordaunt Blinkers is below. Mrs. B. Good Heavens, what shall we do ! Oh, pardon me, Mr. Greville ; a most unexpected visit. Johns. Give mc my hat, quick! Mrs. B. (Pointing to the back.) Go that way. Johns. (Goes Mel.) Locked! No key! [Goes, l. Mrs. B. No, no ! There is no way out there ! Johns. (Punning to r.) This way, then ? Mrs. B. Impossible! You will meet him ! Oh, I have it! Sophy, tell Lord Blinkers that I am very ill, and that the doctor is with me. Go! [Exit Sophia. Johns. (Calling.) Say that I am very ill. Mrs. 3. No, no; not yon ! Jam the invalid, you are the doctor. Johns. (Stupefied.) You, ill ! I, the — Mrs. B. The lamp ! Put it down ! Johns. Yes, yes! (Puts lamp on the floor '.) Mrs. B. (Wildly.) Oh dear, no! Turn down the light ! (Johns lowers the light ; Mrs. B. thrmes herself upon a sofa and 28 hinds her head in a handkerchief.) There, come and sit by me, quick! Here, feel of my pulse! (Johns does as he is told.) Don't be so nervous; you tremble like a leaf. Sophia. {Entering.) Chut! Mrs. B. Attention now! (In a iceah voice, as Lord Blinkers enters:) Oh, doctor, do you consider me in a critical condition? (Aside.) Answer. Johns. (Nervously.) Oh, a few leeches and plasters — Mrs. B. (Aside.) Be quiet. Sophia. (Advancing.) Mistress, here is his lordship. Mrs. B. (Weakly.) Oh, is it you, dear friend? I did not think to see you this evening. (Johns rises.) Lord B. And I did not expect to find you thus. Are you very ill ? Mrs. B. Oh, very. But thanks to this good doctor — (Looks for JonNS.) Where is he ? Lord B. Pray do not allow me to disturb you, doctor. Johns. (Confused.) Oh, yes; quite so, quite so ! Mrs. B. Oh, you were looking for the ink, were you not, doctor? You will find it on the table yonder. Lord B. (Pointing.) On the table, doctor ! On the table ! Johns. (Aside.) Heaven grant he does not recognize me! (Seats himself at the table and pretends to write.) Lord B. I had a box for the opera sent me at the last moment, and I came in haste to see — Mrs. B. Oh, it would be impossible, my lord ! Impossi- ble! Lord B. So I see. Mrs. B. You must go alone. Lord B. No. I will leave you; but I shall return home. (Goes to Johns.) What are you prescribing, doctor ? Johns. (Troubled.) Oh, nothing in particular. A few plasters and leeches, and an emetic. Lord B. (Aghast.) What! All at once ? Johns. No; one after the other. The emetic to-morrow, if she is not better. Mrs. B. Thanks to the devotions of this dear, good phy- sician, I — ■ Lord B. (Holding out his hand.) Doctor, allow me. (They shake hands.) Johns. Oh, don't mention it, sir. Lord B. It is nothing serious, is it ? Johns. Oh, no. Fatigue, emotion — Lord B. What emotion ? 29 Johns. Yes ; emotion which causes the fatigue. Lord B. What fatigue ? Johns. The fatigue which causes the emotion. Loud B. I see. Well, I leave her in your care. Johns. Be at rest. You may do so. Lord B. (To Mrs. B.) Good-night. Mrs. B. Au revoir, my friend. Lord B. (Aside to Mrs. B.) You.have changed your phy- sician. Mrs. B. Yes, a long time ago. Lord B. I was not aware of the fact. I will inquire for you to-morrow morning. Mrs. B. Thank you. I think I shall sleep. Lord B. Doctor. Johns. (Starting.) Ah— oh— yes. Did you speak ? Lord B. Do not leave your patient until she is relieved. Johns. Trust me, my lord. Lord B. Come, Sophia. [Exeunt Lord B. and Sophia on tip-toe. Johns. (Falling into a chair.) Thank heaven! Mrs. B. (Listening.) Silence! He is there still. Johns. I'm more dead than alive. Sophia. (Entering.) He's gone. Johns. (Relieved.) At last! (lie draws out his handkerchief and the key falls.) Mrs. B. The key of that door in your pocket. Put it back, Sophy. (She rises.) Johns. So it seems. Mrs. B. How did it come there ? Johns. I can't say. (Struck with an idea.) Ah ! so that we might be alone. Mrs. B. My poor friend, I am so sorry for you. How nervous you were ! Johns. Well, but I am not used to such agitating scenes. They move me as much as they agitate me ; and they agitate ine more than they move me. May I have a glass of water— (Mrs. B. goes to table to prepare it)— with a little sugar— and a dash of Cognac, if you have it. (Aside:) Give me my mother-in-law, rather than this. (Noise outside.) Mrs. B. (Starting.) What is that noise? (The door at back is thrown open, and Cobb dashes in, breathless.) Cobb. (In alarm.) My friend, my friend— Mrs. B. Sir Drake ! Johns. (Rushing to him.) Eh! What is it? Cobb. Hide me, hide me somewhere. Mrs. B. and Johns. What is the trouble? 30 Cobb. The old, the old man has come. I had just time to fly up to back stairs here. But I believe he saw me, and that he is after me. {Sounds outside.) Yes, here he comes. Johns. (Looks out-door at back.) Major Rodney Tumble- bull ! (He rushes through door, L., and closes it.) Cobb. (Bashes after Johns, but finds the door locked. In de- spair:) Locked! (Trembles from head to foot.) Majoii T. (Rushes in at door back, very much moved.) Par- don me, Mrs. Belcher, for rushing in upon you without my hat, but I've lost my head. (Sees Cobb.) Oh, remain sir. Pray, do not let me disturb you. Cobb. (Aside.) He does not recognize me. Mrs. B. (To Cobb.) Do not leave me, sir; I wish to speak with you. Now, Major, what is it? (Dog barks furiously , l.) Good heavens, there's Bijou! Major. No, madam ; it is Miss Coddleton. Mbs. B. (At door, l.) Bijou, Bijou ; stop this minute. Majob. That horrid dog ! Oh, Mrs. Belcher, I must tell you that Miss Coddlet®n expected me this evening, and I was late. I should have been here by six o'clock, but I fell asleep. Blasted odd of me, I know. My nights are good, too. Mrs. B. Well. (Aside to Cobb :) He does not know you. Major. Well, as I came in, I found Miss Coddleton in hysterics. I flew for the salts, but found none. So I have come here to beg — Mrs. B. With pleasure, Major. Here are mine. Major. (To Cobb.) I'm desperate to have been obliged to interrupt your tete-d-tcte. Cobb. Don't mention it, sir. Sophia. (Entering in haste.) Mistress, mistress, here comes his lordship back ! Mrs. B. (With a shriek.) What! {Throws herself on the sofa.) Sophia. He is close upon my heels. Major. (Starting to go.) Eh? Who is it? Mrs. B. (Wildly.) Iiemain. Enter Lord Blinkers, in haste, pale and agitated. Lord B. I'm back again. Such a dreadful thing! (Sees the gentlemen.) Oh, pardon me. (Salutes the gentlemen.) Mrs. B. These gentlemen are here to beg my salts for a lady who has fainted. Major. I have asked this lady and gentleman's pardon for having disturbed them. Mrs. B. (Aside.) Oh, you old stupid! Lord B. Oh, then this gentleman was here — ° 1 V L Mrs. B. Yes, my lord. This gentleman is the doctor. Lord B. The doctor ! Why, just now — Mrs. B. Yes, you saw the other one; but they sent for him. This physician is a homceopathist. Major. (To Cobb.) Oh, sir, are you a doctor? Cobb. Yes, a disciple of Hahnemann, you know — the little sugar-pill man. Mrs. B. Doctor Watts. Major. Oh, then, you will be so good as to come to Miss Coddleton for one moment. Mrs. Belcher will permit it. Cobb. (Starting.) You wish me — to — Mrs. B. Go, by all means, doctor. (Aside:) What a joke ! (Aloud :) Here is the vinaigrette. Cobb. Are you sure you wish me to attend Miss Coddle- ton? Major. (Earnestly.) Oh, I beg you as a favor to me. [Exeunt the Major and Cobb at the back. Mrs. B. (Aside.) Oh, to think of poor Mr. Green Gre- ville in that room all this time at the mercy of Bijou! Lord B. You are better, dear Mrs. Belcher? Mrs. B. Yes, a little. Lord B. Something terrible has occurred. Mrs. B. Indeed, what is it ? Lord B. Lady Mordaunt Blinkers knows all ! Mrs. B. Oh, nonsense ! Lord B. I had no sooner returned home than I was in- formed by her ladyship's maid that her ladyship had already sued for a divorce. Mrs. B. True? Lord B. This very day she went to consult an advocate, one Johnston Johns. Now, in order to shun the scandal of a public trial, I have come to a desperate determination. I am here to bid you adieu. Mrs. B. You are going away ? Lord B. It is necessary. To-morrow morning, I shall call upon this Johnston Johns, this advocate, and try to nip this disgraceful affair in the bud ; then, during the day, I shall set out for Italy. I shall travel for several weeks, and I hope that this rupture — Mrs. B. A rupture ! Lord B. Apparent rupture, will calm Lady Blinkers, and that she will abandon her suit. (Sound of a dog barking, l.) Mrs. B. (Aside.) Heavens! Bijou again! and poor Mr. Green Greville's there ! Lord B. That dog is unbearable. What makes her bark so? 32 Mrs. B. {Starting.) Ob, nothing! Nothing at all ! Pray, do not mind it ! She will be quiet in a moment ! Loud B. It must be most annoying to you. Wait ! (He goes toicard door, l. ) Mrs. B. (Rising.) What is he going to do ? (Shrieks:) Oh! Lord B. (Running to Tier.) What is it ? (Mrs. B. falls upon the sofa.) Mrs. B. (Talcing his hands.) Oh, do not leave me! My nerves, my nerves! Major T. (Entering.) I came to return your salts — Lord B. Here, quick ! Give it to me ! Mrs. B. (Raising her voice.) Kill her! Kill her! Major. Kill whom ? (Crash in room, l.) Mrs. B. (Aside.) He understands. Lord B. It is an attack of hysteria ! (To Mrs. B. :) Here, madam, smell this. Major. (Surprised.) Well, well! What has got into this house? Everybody has hysteria ! Blasted odd! Lord B. (Holding the salts.) There — so., Inhale. Major. Mysterious things, these attacks of the nerves. People do not seem to know what they are saying. Fancy, when I returned to the music-room with the doctor just now, Miss Coddleton shrieked out, "What! you, again, impru- dent man! " and yet she never saw the man before in her life. (Sits on a sofa.) Blasted odd, these emotions, these nerves; blasted — (Falls asleep.) Mrs. B. (Rising.) It is past. I am better now. You must go, my lord. Lord B. And leave you alone ? Mrs. B. I am in need of rest. This news of your depar- ture, so sudden. You will write to me, will you not ? Lord B. Oh, yes ; often. Mrs. B. Every day ? Lord B. Perhaps. (Kisses her hand.) Courage. Mrs. B. I shall think of you. (The Major snores.) Lord B. What ! That old man asleep here ? Wake up, old man, wake up ! Major. (Dreaming.) Imprudent man! Eh? What? (Starts up.) Oh, pardon me. I was dozing. Blasted odd of me. My nights are good ; but, in spite of that — Mrs. B. Au revoir, gentlemen. Major. I shall run round the square to wake myself up. Mrs. B. And Miss Coddleton ? Major. Oh, she is all right. The doctor is with her. 33 Lord B< Dear Mrs. Belcher — I might almost say Emily upon this occasion — I shall write to you. Mrs. B. Every day ? Major. {Saluting.) Madam! {Taking Lord B.'s arm.) Blasted odd of me! My nights are so good! [Exeunt the Major and Lord B. (Mrs. B. follows them, to oe sure they are gone ; then she runs to door l. and knocks.) Mrs. B. You may come in, Mr. Greville. {Enter Johnston Johns, pale and haggard ; his hair and cravat in disorder.) Good heavens, my dear friend, how you do look ! Johns. I have slain Bijou ! I strangled her ! Mrs. B. She is dead, then ? Johns. It was an absolute necessity. She would have torn me in pieces. Mrs. B. {Looking at his hands.) What ! Did she bite you ? Johns. Barked and bit both ! Tell me, has she drank any water to-day ? Mrs. B. I do not know. Johns. Heaven forbid that I should go mad! Sophia. {Entering with tea-tray.) Here is the tea. Johns. Oh, yes, a cup ; 'twill warm me. It was very cold in your chamber. I was half frozen. Sophia. Oh, master's dressing-gown! Mrs. B. Yes, Mr. Greville^ take off your coat. Johns. How my teeth chatter! {Puts on dressing-gown.) Mrs. B. Stay, here is a smoking-cap I was embroidering. {Puts cap on his head.) Johns. Oh, thank you; I am already better. Sophia. {Preparing the tea.) Mistress is served. Johns. Oh, Gods, what an evening I am having! Mrs. B. {With cup of tea.) Here, try this. Take care ; it is boiling. Johns. {Tasting.) Oh, just a little Cognac in it. It will cool the tea and warm me. Mrs. B. Sophy, you may retire. [Exit Sophia, r. Johns. {Mournfully.) What a chapter of accidents! Mrs. B. Never mind. It is all over now. Do you feel better ? Johns. Yes, the heat begins to revive me. I am not used to exciting emotions, so that I — {Drinks. A loud knocking is heard.) Hark ! What's that ? {He rises.) Mrs. B. Silence ! 34 Voice. {Outside.) Open, in the name of the law. Johns. {Aghast.) In the name of the law ? Mrs. B. {Horrified.) The Chief of Police ! Johns. My mother-in-law has sent him. Mrs. B. In heaven's name, fly ! Johns. Oh, yes. How ? where ? (Mrs. B. puts out the lamp ) I'm blind now. I can't see. {The door, r., is thrown open ; enter the Chief op Police and his Secretary. Johns rushes to the left.) Chief. There he is. Mrs. B. What does this mean, sir ? Chief. Do not be alarmed, madam; a mere formality. I am here at the request of certain parties to establish the presence of Lord Mordatmt Blinkers in your house, at this late hour of the night. Mrs. B. But Lord Blinkers is not here. Sec You are mistaken, madam, there he stands. Enter Sophia and Angelina with lights. Mrs. B. falls upon a sofa. Sec. His Lordship Mordaunt Blinkers was concealed in yonder room. Johns. {Aside.) They take me for Blinkers. Chief. Your name, sir? Johns. {Speaking to himself.) Mordaunt Blinkers! — and it is I who — Chief. {To Secretary.) That's he. Write. Johns. {To himself.) It was I who counseled Lady Blinkers to have him seized. {Falls upon a chair, with his head in his hands.) Chief. {To Secretary.) Have you made a note of the dressing-gown and the smoking-cap ? Sec. Yes, sir. Chief. Give it to me. {Takes paper.) That is sufficient for us; we will retire. {To Sophia:) Will you be good enough to show us out ? Ang. {Taking Johns' coat and hat from a chair.) At last I am revenged ! [tableau, curtain.] 35 ACT III. Scene. — Same as in Act I. (As the curtain rises, Kate is discovered dusting the writing* table. ) Kate. It is very queer and I don't understand it. Here's master out already, and I don't believe he ever set his foot outside the door until after his breakfast before in his life. Hark, here he comes. Enter Johnston Johns at back, with a package in his hand. Johns. Has my wife left her room ? Kate. No, sir; not yet. Johns. Good. (Places package on the table. ) Kate. (Surprised.) Why, you have shaved your whiskers ! Johns. Yes ; does it change me ? Kate. Oh, yes ; you are awfully ugly without them. Johns. Eh? Kate. I mean you were much handsomer with them. Johns. Do you think I should not be recognized ? Kate. Well, I recognized you because I did. But, surely, those who don't know you, wouldn't recognize you. Johns. Idiot, you! Kate. Oh, it's a real shame, those pretty whiskers! Johns. Another time I will consult you before shaving. ( Takes a coat out of the package. ) Kate. Well, you'll make no mistake if you do so, sir. Enter Silenus Cobb at the lack. Johns. Ah, Cobb, my dear fellow, come in. Leave us, Kate. Kate. What for ? Johns. (Angry.) No matter ; go away. Kate. Where ? Johns. Wherever you will ; I don't care. {Exit Kate. Cobb. I was very anxious to see you, to learn what hap- pened last night. Johns. Oh, my friend. Cobb. Miss Coddleton mentioned something about an affair with the Chief of Police. Johns. A perfect tragedy, and a frightful one at that. Cobb. You alarm me. What is it ? Speak ! Johns. Ah, let me collect myself. I have had such a ter- rible shaking-up, that my poor head — Well, I was seated with Emily — that is, Mrs. Belcher — and was having a cup of tea, when the Chief of Police knocked. 36 Cobb. Why did he knock ? Johns. To get in, of course. Cobb. But why did he wish to get in ? Johns. To catch them. Cobb. Catch them ! Whom ? Johns. Them. I'm going to explain as fast as I can. It was I who urged his wife to have him arrested. Cobb. Whom do you mean by him ? Johns. Her husband. Cobb. Whose husband ? Johns. If you interrupt me again, I'll not say another word. Cobb. Pardon me ; proceed. Johns. The Chief of Police entered, and finding me up in one corner — Cobb. Up in one corner ! Why, you said you were having tea! Johns. So I was, but I rushed into the corner to conceal myself. Mrs. Belcher had extinguished the lamp. (Cobb is astonished.) Don't you understand ? We were in the dark. It ought to be clear. What is the matter with you this morning ? Cobb. Nothing, nothing; continue. Johns. Well, finding me in the corner in a dressing-gown and smoking-cap, he took me for Lord Mordaunt Blink- ers! Cobb. Who is Lord Mordaunt Blinkers ? Johns. The lover. Cobb. Whose lover ? Johns. Mrs. Belcher's lover. Now I, not knowing his name, you can fancy the effect upon me when I heard the Chief pronounce the name of the husband — Cobb. Of the lover, you mean. Johns. No, no ; the husband. Cobb. A moment ago you said lover — now you say husband I I'm bewildered ! Johns. Why it's simple enough. The lover of Mrs. Belcher, but the husband of the wife. Cobb. Has Mrs. Belcher a wife, then ? Johns. No, no; the wife of Lord Mordaunt Blinkers. Cobb. (Aside.) He's mad; raving mad. Johns. I cannot understand what is the matter with you this morning. Now attend. Lady Mordaunt Blinkers has sued for a divorce, her husband being Mrs. Emily Belcher's lover. Cobb. Well. 3? Johns. I am the counsel for Lady Mordaunt Blinkers; in her cause I urged her to have her husband arrested. Cobb. Well. Johns. Now it was not Lord Blinkers whom the Chief of Police caught last night, but me, whom by mistake he took for his lordship. Cobb. Thunder. This is becoming serious. Johns. But that is not all. When the Chief departed, I wished to follow him. Impossible ! Cobb. Why so ? Johns. I had no coat and hat. Cobb. They took them away as evidence against you ? Johns. So this morning I was obliged to go and purchase a new coat and hat. Oh, my friend, what an evening ! what a night ! Cobb. Stay; you have shaved your whiskers. Johns. Yes, for fear that the Chief of Police might recog- nize me some day or other. You understand ? What if Lord Blinkers should learn that it was I who passed for him ? Cobb. He is sure to, you may depend upon it. You can- not plead for his wife now. Johns. Why not ? Cobb. Because the principal argument of your plea would be the presence of Lord Blinkers at Mrs. Belcher's house after one o'clock. Now if it should transpire that it was you who were there in a dressing-gown and smoking- cap, taking tea up in a corner — what an incident for a crim- inal court! Johns. {Falling upon the sofa.) Oh, you're right. It is out of the question for me to be Lady Blinker's advocate. My first case, for which I have waited two years, is lost. Oh, I shall go mad. {Rises and paces the room.) Cobb. There, there; don't be dismal. {Takes Johns' hand and starts.) What ! are you wounded ? Johns. No; it was only Bijou. We fought together. Hush, here comes my wife. Not a word. Cobb. Fear nothing. Enter Mrs. Johns, l. She sees Cobb. Mrs. J. {Starting.) Oh, pardon me; I disturb you. Johns. Not in the least, my clear. {Kisses her.) Mr. Silenus Cobb, my colleague ; the gentleman who wrote to me yesterday. Mrs. J. {Saluting.) Mr. Cobb! Cobb. {Saluting.) Madam! Mrs. J. Well, what success in the arbitration ? Cobb. It passed off very well, madam ; the affair is arranged. Mrs. J. And quite finished ? Johns. (Suddenly.) I swear I never will set my foot in it again — (Slopping.) That is — Cobb. Yes ; we may say that the business is entirely dis- posed of. Mbs. J. Good. What ! why, Johnston dear, you've shaved your whiskers ! Johns. Ye-es, yes, this morning. Really can't say how I happened to. Mere distraction, I suppose. Cobb. Yes, he has carved the mutton chops this time, sure. Mrs. J. (Sees Ms hand.) What is that, dear ? Were you injured ? No ; bitten. Johns. (Troubled.) Yes— that is to say — no. Cobb. Merely a slight accident which happened yesterday while we were at dinner. Johns. I was bitten by^- Cobb. (Pulling Ms coat.) That is, the lamp-shade burst — Johns. Oh yes; and i he pieces fell upon my hand. (Aside to Cobb :) Thanks. Kate. (Entering.) The Honorable Mrs. Still has come in. Mrs. J. I will go to her immediately. Kate. It is master as she wants to see. Johns. Wants to see me ? Kate. Yes, you. Mrs. J. Beg mamma to step in here. . [Exit Kate. Cobb. I will leave you. Johns. No, no. Go in there. (Points to door, r.) Cobb. But I — Johns. (Aside.) Don't desert me, I beg of you. (Pushes Cobb in at door, r. ) Enter Mrs. Still at hack, furious, and concealing something under her cloak. Mes. S. Where is he, where is he? Oh, there he is! Mrs. J. Good morning, mamma. Mrs. S. Good morning, good morning. (To Johns:) Where were you last night ? Johns. I — I — Mrs. S. It is not true. What were you doing ? Johns. Why, I — Mrs. S. You know it's a falsehood. Your coat, your hat, where are they ? Mrs. J, (Pointing to a chair.) There they are, mamma. 39 Mrs. S. Here they are. (She takes coat and hat from under lier cloak and hurls them at Johns.) Mrs. J. Oh, inamnia! Mrs. S. The Chief of Police has just brought them to me with a letter ; and such a letter I Johns. (Aside.) The devil! The Chief of Police ! Mrs. S. (Taking letter from her pocket.) Listen, my child, listen. (Reads :) ' ' Instead of rummaging in sauce-pans " — Johns. (Aside.) It is Angelina. Mrs. S. (Reading.) "You had better keep one eye on your son-in-law." (Speaks:) What did I tell you, my dear ? Watch him, I said — watch him. Johns. Pardon me one moment — Mrs. S. It's not so, and you know it. (Reading:) "I send you the coat and hat which he forgot last night at house of Miss Blank. I am your devoted admirer, Warming- pan." (Speaks:) The hussy ! Mrs. J. (Sits weeping .) Oh, mamma! Mrs. S. Do not Aveep, my child ; your mother remains to you. Go to your room. In less than an hour I shall see my lawyer. (Goes L.) Mrs. J. What! a suit? Mrs. S. A divorce. Johns. But, madam — Mrs. S. Stop where you are. It is a falsehood. Johns. But, mother-in-law — Mrs. S. I positively forbid you to address me as your mother-in-law. Johns. And why so ? Mrs. S. Do you fancy I do not see the irony you intend, when you say mother-in-law ? Johns. But — Mrs. S. I know it just as well as that I am no longer beautiful, though I have been. Do you understand, sir? I have been beautiful. But you cannot swear that you did not leave your whiskers at Miss Blank's house. Wretch! deceiver! (To Mrs. J.:) Come, my child, come; rest upon your mother's bosom. Johns. I beg you will listen — Mrs. S. There is not one word of truth in all you say. [Exeunt Mrs. 8. and Mrs. J., l. Johns. (Sinking into a chair.) I'm mad. Cobb. (Entering, r.) Ah, my poor friend, I have heard all. Johns. What will become of me ? What shall I do ? (Struck with an idea.) Ah, I will go and consult a lawyer. Cobb. A lawyer! And why ? 40 Johns. I no longer know what I am saying. Cobb. Your wife loves. It will all end happily. Kate. {Entering.) There is a man below as wants to see you. I told him you was having a squabble with your moth- er-in-law, and he said it didn't matter to him if you was; so he gave me this card. {Hands card.) Cobb. {Beads card.) Lord Mordaunt Blinkers. Johns. {Starting up in dismay.) Blinkers! Then all is lost! {To Cobb:) Receive him, I beg of you. Cobb. I? Johns. {Wildly.) Send him away, then. I cannot be bothered. {Rushes off, r.) Cobb. Show his lordship up, Kate. [Exit Kate.] Now, what? Enter Loud Blinkers. Lord B. Mr. Johnston — ■ {Aside :) The devil ! The ho- moeopathic physician! {Aloud:) Good day, doctor. Cobb. {Saluting.) My lord! Lord B. I wished to have a moment's consultation with Mr. Johnston Johns, the lawyer. Cobb. {Embarrassed.) Oh, by all means — yes. Lord B. I have not the pleasure of knowing the gentle- man ; but I am aware that he is the advocate employed by my wife in a suit for a divorce which she contemplates. Now something most abnormal has occurred, even last even- ing; and, before going further, I wished to explain it to Mr. Johnston Johns. Cobb. Oh certainly, in a moment. {Aside:) "What is to be done ! {Aloud :) It is impossible to see him this morn- ing; he is ill. Lord B. Must be very sudden, then, for I know that my wife saw him yesterday. Cobb. Yes, yes; quite sudden. This very morning even. Produced by a discussion with his mother-in-law. You see his nerves and blood were all out of order. It is something that we doctors term a bilioso-nervoso-sanguinoso de- rangement. Lord B. {Appalled.) Really! Quite serious then ? Be good enough not to inform him of my visit ; it might increase the bilioso-nervoso, et cetera. Cobb. Just as you say, my lord. For the moment, Mr. Johnston Johns is incapable of attending to your business. Lord B. It is my loss. {Saluting :) Doctor ! Cobb. {Saluting.) My lord ! Lord B. {Suddenly.) Oh, by-the-by, doctor, I shall be 41 obliged to you if you will not mention the fact of having met me last evening. Cobb. Be at rest, my lord. Discretion is a professional virtue. Lord B. (Saluting.) Doctor! Cobb. (Opening the door at tack.) My lord! [Exit, b. J Not so badly managed, after all. Silenus, you're a success as a medical man. (Goes to door, R.) Come in. Johns. (Entering.) Has he gone ? Cobb. Yes. Loud B. (Entering suddenly.) Upon reflection, I — Johns and Cobb. (Aghast.) Again! Lord B. What ! The allopathic physician ? (Saluting Johns.) Doctor! Cobb. (Aside.) Salute him. Johns. (Saluting.) My lord! Lord B. Is it then so serious, gentlemen, that you are obliged to meet for consultation? (To Johns:) Pray tell me, how have you left Mr. Johnston Johns ? Johns. (Amazed.) Eh, what ? Cobb. (Aside.) I have told him you were very ill. Johns. (Troubled.) Yes, I'm rather indisposed to-day. Cobb. (Aside.) You stupid fool, you are not ill, burt Johnston Johns! Johns. (Aside.) Well, but who am I, then ? Cobb. (Aside.) The doctor, of course! Johns, (Aside.) Oh, (rue; so I am. Lord B. (Aside.) They are holding a consultation. (Aloud:) Well, gentlemen. Johns. Johns is ill— very ill, poor devil ! Lord B. I have reflected, and not having been able to see Mr. Johnston Johns — Johns. (Quickly.) Oh, impossible ! utterly impossible! Lord B. Yes, so your confrere tells me. I have returned to beg leave to write a few words to him. Just fancy ; last evening, at the lady's house where I had the pleasure of meeting you both, some impudent scoundrel passed himself off for me-^and, too, in the very eyes of the law ! Johns. (Aside.) I'm going to faint! Cobb, (Aside.) Hold on a minute. (Aloud:) Indeed! Is it true ? Lord B. It is of very grave significance, considering the suit which is being brought against me; and while I am using every endeavor to discover that knave, I shall inform Mr." Johnston Johns, just as I have the Chief of Police, of this rascality. Now, where may I write ? (Johns points ton.) 42 Cobb. Will you be good enough as to step this way ? Lord B. Thank you. {Suddenly:) Ah, I forgot, doctor. {To Johns :) I shall be obliged to you if you will not mention the fact of having met me last evening. Johns. Be at rest, my lord. Discretion is a professional virtue. Major Tumbt^eeull. {Appearing at door at bach) May I come in ? Johns and Cobb. {Aside.) The Major! Lord B. {Aside.) Ah ! the old cove who was asleep. Major. Ah, Johns, my dear boy! Johns. {Aside in alarm.) Don't call me Johns. {Aloud :) Johns — lb. it is, Mr. Johnston Johns, is very ill. Major. What! You arc ill ? Johns. I? No. Mr. Johns! {Aside to Major:) Hold your tongue. {Goes up stage.) Cobb. {To Lord B.) Don't mind him, my lord. He's a little queer. {Taps his forehead.) Lord B. I made up my mind he was so yesterday. Cobb. {Aside to the Ma jor. ) Be quiet, Major! Major. {Recognizing Cobb.) Ah, the doctor. Charmed to meet you again. {Aside to Cobb :) I beg you will not mention where you met me yesterday. Cobb. Don't be alarmed. Discretion is a virtue of our profession. {Goes up stage.) Major. {Sees Lord B.) What! you here? {Salutes.) Sir! Lord B. {Salutes.) Sir! Major. {Aside to Lord B.) As we met — Lord B. {Aside to Major.) Last evening — Major and Lord B. I shall be obliged to you if you will not mention the fact. Lord B. Just what I was going to say to you. Major. Yery good. Agreed. {They shake hands.) Lord B. I was on my way to write a note to Mr. John- ston Johns. Major. {Astonished.) Write to Johnston Johns ! Johns and Cobb. {Passing the Major, aside.) Hold your tongue. Johns. Allow me to show you the way sir. [Goes r. Lord B. Oh, thank you. [Goes off by "door, r., with Johns. Major. {Running to the door.) But my two hundred pounds ? Johns. {Looking back.) I have no time now. (To Cobb:) Get rid of him in some way, I beg of you. Send him away. [Exit, r. Major. Where is he going ? Cobb. To court. Ma jor.. -Rw* my money ? I must speak to him ! Cobb. (Holding him.) Oh, let it go now. You can talk with him later. I must go now. I have some patients to attend. Will you accompany me ? Major. Not until I have seen Johns. And here is Miss Coddleton expecting me at twelve o'clock. Cobb. But if you sit down, you will fall asleep. Major. True, quite true. Ah, doctor, what can you pre- scribe for this everlasting somnolence ? Cobb. Nothing better than fresh air. So, come on. Major. Do you know, doctor, when I sleep in the day I am tormented with terrible dreams ? Cobb. Fresh air, fresh air. Come ; I am in haste. Major. Oh, bah! Grant me two minutes. I will pay you for your time. Johns. (Appearing at door, r., aside to Cobb.) Get him out of here, for heaven's sake. (Disappears.) Cobb. (Aside.) I've an idea. (Aloud:) Proceed, sir, I'm listening. (While the Major speaks, Cobb goes to the mantel and advances the hands of the clock.) Major. Well, I have employed two physicians. The first I left because I had no confidence in him. I was very well iudeed under his care, but I had no confidence in him. And you know, in medicine, confidence is every thing. Cobb. (Returning to C.) And the second ? Major. The second ? Oh, he was a prince of science. But his prices — something terrific ! Cobb. So you dismissed him? (Walk's the Major round so that he can see the clock.) Major. Yes, and since that time I have been worse than — (Sees clock.) Good heavens! Cobb. What is it ? Major. (Aghast.) Five minutes after one o'clock : Cobb. (Looking at his watch.) I am ten minutes after one. Major. (Looking at his watch.) But I am only five and thirty minutes after eleven ! Cobb. You are very slow indeed. Major. And Miss Coddleton expected me at twelve! She will be in hysterics ! Cobb. In that case, I will attend her. Shall I accompany you ? Major. (Gratefully.) Excellent doctor! You have proved yourself a father to her. Kate. (Entering at lack.) Where is master ? Cobb. At court. Major. (Hurriedly.) Come, doctor, come; I'm going. Kate. At court? 44 Cobb. (Aside.) No, he's in there. (Points- r.) Now, sir, forward. 1 am with you. [Exeunt the Major and Cobb at the tack. Kate. What is the matter with them all to-day? They are cracked. Johns. (Entering, r.) Ah, gone at last! 1 Kate. Master. ! Johns. (Starting.) Well, what is it ? Kate. Your lady client is below. Johns. (Aghast.) Lady Blinkers here ! And his lord- ship there! I cannot see her at present. Kate. Shall I send her away, then ? Johns. No, let her remain where she is. I'll go to her myself. [Exit at back. Kate. (Laughing. ) There's another cracked brain for you. Enter Mrs. Still, in haste, l. Mrs. S. There is a woman below. Kate. Yes; master's client. And a right pretty little thing she is too. Mrs S. That is enough. Leave me. [Exit Kate at bade] His client! More likely to be the woman at whose house he passed the evening. Hark, some one comes; I shall satisfy my own curiosity. (Conceals herself behind door, l.) Enter Lord Blinkers, it. , with a letter in his hand. Lord B. No one here ? But I must send this letter to Mr. Johnston Johns. What a strange house, to be sure! (Gees to door at back and recoils.) What ! My wife with that doctor? (Conceals himself behind door, R.) Enter Lady Blinkers, followed by Johns. Lady B. Only five minutes ! I really must see you ! Johns. Be seated, madam. (F lies to r. and looks in; aside:) The husband gone ! Thank heavens. Lady B. (Seated upon sofa, l.) I have brought all the papers relating to the mad expenditures of my husband. Lord B. (Aside.) • What! To the doctor ? I don't under- stand. Mrs. S. (Aside.) It is a client, after all. Johns. (Hesitating to take papers.) My dear madam, I really — (Aside;) What folly to throw away such a case ! Lady B. You hesitate to take charge of my suit ? Oh, I supplicate you, Mr. Johns. LordB. (Aside.) What! Johns, her lawyer ? 'Tis he! Johns. I assure you, your case is excellent; but consider- ing the unpardonable conduct of Lord Blinkers— 45 Lokd B. {Starting.) Eh ! Johns. (Sees him and drops into a chair.) He ! Ah ! Lady B. What is it, sir ? Johns. Nothing, nothing ! A momentary blindness. (Aside :) The husband ! Lady. B. You are correct, sir. His conduct is indeed unpardonable. Johns. (Troubled.) Excuse me, I — Lady B. Oh, you said it. Even I almost hesitate — Johns. And you are right. (Aside :) I must patch up this matter some way. Lady B. But I no longer hesitate — Johns. And you are wrong. Lady B. (Aside.) The man is mad. Johns. (Starting aside.) My mother-in-law too ! Lady B. What is it now? Johns. Oh, nothing, dear madam, nothing ! Lady B. Do you mean, sir, that you ever undertake to defend faithless husbands ? Johns. And why not? Lord B. (Aside.) He's a trump ! Mrs. S. The monster ! Johns. So much the worse for me if I do. I burn my fleet. But listen — Lady B. (Astonished.) Sir ! Johns. I say, madam, that a wife is oftentimes too ready to demand a separation. A divorce is too grave an affair to be treated lightly. Lady B. But, sir — Johns. Do not interrupt me, madam. Your cause be- comes mine. If I take charge of one, I also take charge of the other ; if I gain one, both are gained. Lad«" B. (Aside.) What does the man mean ? Johns. (Rises and pleads.) It is easy to say a man is guilty. Guilty ! But have you read what is written upon his heart ? Are you aware that he may be driven to an extrem- ity which he regrets ? True, he has deserted the conjugal fireside, and has sought pleasure and peace of mind abroad. But whose fault is it ? Might it not be the fault of those whom he has left at home ? Might not the unfortunate man possess a mother-in-law who renders his life unbearable ? Mrs. S. (Aside. ) What does he say ? Lady B. Oh, no ; my husband has no mother-in-law. Johns. That is quite possible, madam; but do not oblige me to say that /have one ! (Pleading again.) Then where is the judge who does not possess some sense of indulgence in his heart for such an oppressed creature ?— For one who 46 loves his wife — and he does love her — but who is driven from his home by the continual tyranny, pestering, and suspicions of his mother-in-law ? — Driven from home, and launched upon the adventures of a nameless existence. And is this the man whom you would reduce to despair ? This the man whom you would repulse, did he return repentant and chast- ened ? No, you could not do that {to Lady B.), for you love him still ! {To Mrs. S. :) For you have ever loved him. Lady B. It is true ! Mrs. S. {Aside, wiping her eyes.) He has quite touched me ! Lord B. {Advancing, aside.) Very good ! Johns. You would meet him with open arms — forget and pardon all; and instead of a separation, you would seek a reconciliation. Your time has come, my lord ! Lord B. Bertha I Lady B. {Rising.) Mordaunt! {Tliey embrace.) Mrs. S. {Rushing out with open arms.) Son-in-law, embrace your mother-in-law ! Johns. {Aside.) Bah! {They embrace.) Mrs. J. {Entering, l.) What do I see ! A reconciliation ? Mrs. S. Daughter, embrace your husband. Mrs. J. But, mamma. Mrs. S. Embrace your husband. {They embrace.) Ah, could you but have heard him ; such a plea! It made your mother weep. Mrs. J. Oh! Mrs. S. I am all admiration, Alice — all admiration. Johns. {Aside.) I have gained my first case. Kate. {Entering.) Master, here comes old Tumblebull. Johns. Ask him to come up. Kate. He's blubbering like a calf. Enter Major Tumblebull at back, wiping his eyes, followed by Cobb. Major. I have come to say farewell. Johns. Are you leaving London ? Major. Yes ; Coddleton has dismissed me. I have failed for two hundred pounds. Johns. I congratulate you, Major. Major. The doctor has recommended the country. Stay! Where is he ? Oh, there you are ! Johns. {To Cobb.) All is happily settled. Cobb. {Astonished.) Oh, wonderful, wonderful! And most wonderful, wonderful! And yet again wonderful! And after that out of all whooping. Lord B. Yes, doctor — 47 Cobb. {Pointing to the Major.) I am only a doctor to attend Miss Coddleton. Major. {Going to Cobb.) Ah, doctor — Cobb. {Pointing to Lord B.) Only a doctor when I treat Mrs. Belcher. Major. I don't understand. Cobb. Very well, let it pass. {To Johns:) Great news, my friend. Alarmed at the scene last night, Mrs. Emily Belcher has fled to America. Johns. {To Lady B.) Mrs. Belcher has left London ? Lord B. {Starting.) Emily gone ? Lady B. What do you say, my lord ? Lord B. Nothing. I have no fears to beat away, no strife to heal. The past unsigned for, and the future sure. Major. {Sadly.) Well, as for me, I'm going to live in the country with a crook — {with an amorous glance at Mrs. Still) — unless you will share life with me. Daphne and Chloe — Philemon and Baucis! Mrs. S. {Coquettishly.) Flatterer! Major. (To Johns.) Gods! what a woman! Johns. {Aside.) Oh, if my mother-in-law would only marry ! {Aloud.) Well, do as we are going to do ; come and live at Balefield Hall. Mrs J. {Surprised.) What, Johnston! Mrs. S. Never ! You have too great talent to {significantly) rust out in a village with four or five mummies. No, remain in London. {Giving her hand to the Major.) We will keep Balefield Hall ; but from time to time you must come and see — Johns. My mother-in-law. [tableau, curtain. ] ARTICLES NEEDED BY AMATEURS. As amateurs do not, as a general thing, know how to get the different articles needed in giving their performances, or even what those accessories are, we have decided to keep a stock of the best of their several kinds, and offer them as below. TABLEAU LIGHTS. These are always used to heighten the effect of a scene, and any one who has witnessed a spectacular play knows that they are indispensable. Our Tableaii Lights are very easily used and are of the best manufacture. They are not liable to spontaneous combustion, and are expressly made for amateurs. Plainest directions accompany each. We have the following colors, Red, Green, Pink, Blue, Violet, Lilac, White. All Colors, price each 25 cents. We particularly recommend the red and green, as they burn entirely without smoke or fumes. Our lights are dazzling in their brilliancy, requiring no re- flectors. * COLORED FIRE IN BULK. Put up in one-half pound packages. Not less than half-pound of each color is sold in bulk. This has to be sent by express. Price per pound, $2.00. MAGNESIUM TABLEAU LIGHTS. A metal capable of being ignited by a common match, and burning with great brilliancy, producing a light that can be seen thirty miles. Unequalled in beauty and brilliancy. This is the best light for moonlight and statuary. It is so intense that it causes gas-light to cast a shadow. Price each, 25 cents. THEATRICAL PACE PREPAKATIONS. We would call the attention of our customers to the fact that all the prepara- tions here advertised are the best manufactured ; they are all imported by us direct from Paris, and are guaranteed to be perfectly harmless. They are all ready for use. Rouge for the Theatre, in neat box, No. 1, each $0.50 " very fine, " No. 2, " 50 " finest quality, made from flowers, perfumed, No. 3, each -.60 It is absolutely necessary to use some rouge when acting, for a face without it looks perfectly white. This effect is produced by the foot and side-lights. White for the Theatre, (Blanc de Perle), same as Rouge No. 1 .$0.40 . .50 .. 60 This is used principally for the heads and arms, and also to heighten the effect of the rouge on the face. In plays where sickness or fainting*is to be represent- ed, this is indispensable. - Pencils for the eye-lids and eye-brows $0.50 Penci s for the veins, (Crayons d'ltalie) „ .50 Grendine for the lips, gives them a fine color and improves the entire coun- tenance , , .60 Tablettes de Jouvence, a small box of rouge or white 40 Boxes of blue for veins, with stamp used in putting it on ; a superior article, 1.25 Fard Iudien, used for eye-brows and eye-lids, very effective -. 1.25 Etui Mysterieux (Mysterious Box), contains Crayons,'a Sourcils, Houppe, Rouge, Blanc, etc... 1.25 Boxes of Powder for the hair. In neat boxes all ready to use, enough for several occasions. Indispensable in plays of the 16th, 17th, and 18th cen- turies 75 Gold 75 Silver : 75 Diamond 75 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS Jilllllllll 015 825 848 1 A G-T7IDE BOOKS. AMATEUR'S GUIDE, HAND-BOOK, AND MANUAL, 25 CENTS. Containing particulars of every necessary for the proper production of Plays, the formation of a Company, and the Choice of Pieces. List of the most Suitable Dramas, with number of Male and Female Charac ters in each. A Catalogue of all the Modern Plays. The Law for Amateurs. The Names of Pieces actable without charge. Practical Advice as to Deportment, Speaking and effective Act- ing ; with a variety of Interesting Details, never before Collected or Printed. A List of Theatrical Tradesmen, and their Addresses. Edited by T. H. Lacy. Tenth Edition, Corrected to March 1st, 1875. THE GUIDE TO THE STAGE. By Leman Francis Rede. 15 Cents. Containing clear and full directions for Theatrical Engagements, with com- plete and valuable Instructions for Beginners, relative to salaries, rules, manner of going through rehearsals, securing proper dresses, conduct at first appear- ance, &c. To which is added a List of the Principal American Theatres. THE ART OF ACTING ; OR GUIDE TO THE STAGE. 15 Cents. In which the Dramatic Passions are defined, analyzed, and made easy of ac- quirement ; also, the Requisites necessary for Performers of both sexes, heroes, gentlemen, lovers, tradesmen, clowns, heroines, fine ladies, hoydens, characters of middle and old age, &c. THE ACTOR'S ART : Its Requisites, and How to Obtain Them : Its diffi ulties, and How to Remove Them. By C. W. Smith. 15 Cents. READINGS SPEAKING, AND ACTION, The Essence of all Written on the Subject. By C. Smith. 15 Cents. LACY'S DRAMATIC COSTUMES. In sixly-eight parts of six plates each, beautifully colored, one dollar each part; or complete and elegantly bound, sixty dollars. "Lacy's invaluable books on costumes give full particulars of every variety of dramatic and historical costume from the period of the ancient Briton to the present day."— Court Journal. These plates represent alL dresses, National, Historical, and Dramatic. 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