HARRY L NEWTON'S One-Act Comedy Sketches, Monologues and Dramatic Episodes MEET MY WIFE A Rose of Mexico A Drama A Pair Of Pants Talking Act A Jack And His Queen A Comedietta An Invitation To The Ball Comedy Sketch Chatter Monologue for Males Down In Paradise Alley Comedy Sketch Family Secrets Monologue Izzy's Vacation A Summer Episode Keep Your Eye On The Ball Comedy Sketch Meet My Wife A Comedy Drama The Spirit of Captain Kidd Comedy Two Girls And Him Comedy Sketch What Every Woman Thinks She Knows Suffragette Monologue 25 Cents M. WITMARK & SONS, Witmark Building 144-146 West 37th Street, NewYork MEET MY WIFE A Comedy-Dramatic Incident, By HARRY L, NEWTON Copyright 1913 by M. WITMARK & SONS International Copyright Secured M. WITMARK Sc SONS Publishers Witmark Building, 144-146 W, 37th Street, New York CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON PARIS Professional performing rights reserved ^c c. VN\ <^ > MEET MY WIFE. Copyright,. Note. — The acting rights of this Playlet are ex- pressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom theatrical managers or performers who wish to produce it shoidd apply. Amateur representation may be made without such application and without charge. TMP96-006874 CI.D 34315 CHARACTERS. George Chamberlain The Husband ,Mrs. Chamberlain The Wife Percy Hamilton The Friend Time. — Early evening. Place. — The Chamberlain Apartments. SYNOPSIS. George Chamberlain, a hen-pecked husband who is not allowed to drink, smoke or to even have an opinion of his own without his wife's permission, with the arrival of an old friend one Percy Hamil- ton, enters into the spirit of the plot, eventually turns the tables on his wife and becomes master in his own house. A clever little play with strong dramatic scenes and situations, blended with unusually good comedy. COSTUMES. George Chamberlain. — Frock coat and light trousers, suitable for evening wear. Mrs. Chamberlain. — Evening gown. Percy Hamilton. — Tuxedo suit. PROPERTIES Bottle of wine. Small basket covered with nap- kin. Revolvers unloaded. Box of cigars. A mag- azine and a deck of cards. STAGE DIRECTIONS. As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience, R. means right hand; L., left hand; C, center of stage ; L. 3 E., entrance at upper L. of stage ; R. 3 E., entrance at upper R. of stage. DIAGPcAM OF STAGE.. D.R.C. CO. bXC R.3e. rue) I I \ LX. .U.E V 3,e. V.2 E . AUDIENCE,. L. I. E. — Left first entrance. R. I. E. — Right first entrance. L. U. E.— Left upper entrance. C. — Centre of stage. R. C. — Right centre of stage. L. C. — Left centre of stage. C. D.— Centre door D. R. C. —Door right centre. D. L. C— Door left centre. Meet My Wife Scene. — The Chamberlain Apartments. Center door fancy. Usual parlor furniture, with sofa down L. In center of stage there must be a small library table over which is suspended an electric drop light which can be switched on and off. At back R. is a sideboard, with mirror, set oblique, to reflect Chamberlain's facial expression to the audi- ence. At rise of curtain Mr. and Mrs. Chamber- lain are discovered. He is seated on sofa, reading newspaper and he has unlighted cigar between fin- gers of right hand. She is at sideboard and has a mouthful of hairpins and is engaged in puttin.^^ finishing touches on her hair. Her waist is unbut- toned in back. About twenty seconds elapse before opening line is spoken, then : Mrs. Chamberlain (Speaking with an effort, owing to hairpins in mouth) — George! George (Not looking up from paper) — Yes, my dear. Mrs. C. (Very sharply)— Don\ say '*yes, my dear" to me. When I want anything done I want it done. George (Looking around at her) — Yes, my dear, but what do you want done? MEET MY WIFE Mrs. C. — Well, I've forgotten now, but I want it done anyhow. George (Meekly) — Yes, my dear. [Short pause, during which h- watches her as she fixes her hair, then) : Mrs. C. {Sarcastically) — If you're not too busy you might hook me in the back. George {Aside) — I'd like to hook you in the jaw. Mrs. C. (Sharply) — What did you say, sir? George (Arising) — I said your word is law. (Lays dozvn paper and goes to her.) Mrs. C. — Are you sure your hands are clean? I don't want this waist soiled the very first time I wear it. George — Certainly not, my dear ; and far be it from me to soil my own little darling's waist. (Busy trying to catch the first hook.) I surely want to have you look your best to-night, on Percy's account— ^and, of course, mine too. (Com- edy biz trying to fasten a hook.) I^.Irs. C. (Squinning as he pulls) — Oh. how clum.sy you are. Can't you ever learn to do things rieht ? George — Why, I thought I was coming along im- mense. Look, I've got one hook hooked already. Now, steady. Here goes for another. (Puts knee up against her and then pulls and yanks at zvaist. She gasps and struggles. Put ad. lib. comedy hiz hi this scene till hooks are hooked, then he mops face zvith handkerchief and staggers hack to sofa and sits.) Whew ! MEET MY WIFE Mrs. C. — -Oh, you make a dreadful fuss over any little thing 1 ask you to do for me. {Busy arrang- ing hair and looking into mirror.) George — Little thing? Great scott! That's the biggest job a man was ever asked to do. But I'm not complaining, you understand, my dear. Far. be it from me to complain — especially since Percy is coming Mrs. C. {Whirling about and speaking sharply) — Percy ! Good gracious, I've been Percied to death for a week. I've had Percy for breakfast, dinner and supper, and it has been "Percy is such a good friend" ; and "Percy is so handsome," and George — Well, you wait till you see him — that's all. {Pulls out watch and notes time.) He'll be popping in here any minute now Mrs. C. — I'm hoping I won't be disappointed in your friend Percy, I'm sure. {Picks up powder puff and uses it on face while speaking.) For my part, men are all alike to me. I wouldn't go across the street for the best man who ever wore shoe leather. George — I know, my dear, but you wait till you see Percy. He's one chap in a million. Percy is the best friend I or any other man ever had. Oh, by the way, dear {Slight pause). May I — may I smoke ? Mrs. C. {Sharply and whirling about) Smoke! well, most certainly not. You know I never allow you to smoke in the house. George {Meekly) — Well, I just thought I'd ask. MEET MY WIFE my dear. (Puts cigar in mouth and paper in front of face.) Mrs. C. {Gii'ing hair a last pat with hands) — And I told you, and that is final. No smoking. George — I got it the first time. But inasmuch as Percy was coming I Mrs. C. — Oh, there goes that 'Tercy" thing again (Sarcastically) . I'm sure I'm going to have a perfectly lovely time this evening — quite sure. George — I'm quite sure you will. You know Percy is a delightful chap any way you look at him. He makes an ideal guest. Has a great fund of ready wit, stories and all that sort of thing, you know. Why, when Percy is around Mrs. C. (Standing in front of him, angrily) — That will be quite enough, Mr. Chamberlain. I've heard all this "Percy" stuff I want to hear. If you keep on, when he comes in I'm going out. (Goes to chair R., picks up maga-zine and opens it, reads.) George (Laying dozvn paper, then looks at her, then looks longingly at cigar in hand, starts to speak, then hesitates, then coaxingly) — I'm awfully sure, my dear, that I would be extremely careful with the ashes, and I'd blow the smoke the other direction from you. Mrs. C. — What's the use in asking foolish ques- tions. I said — no smoking! George (Meekly) — I just thought I'd ask, you know. (Puts cigar in mouth and draws several times on it, trying to imagine it is lighted.) MEET MY WIFE {Door hell rings sharply and George jumps to feet excitedly.) Mrs. C. {With a sigh, and laying down maga- zine) — Oh, dear. Now for a dread f idly pleasant evening. {Rises to feet and stands zvith back to -center door.) George — He's here at last. {Runs to center door, then turns to her.) Get a smile on for mercy's sake — also Percy's. {Calls off R.) This way, Percy, old chap — this way. {Enter Percy. George puts out hand and grasps his, then pulls him down stage.) George {To Mrs. C.) — Here he is, my dear. He's come at last. Mrs. C. {Who has been standing coldly the meanwhile, now turns slowly about) — Indeed! George — My dear, I want you to meet Percy Hamilton — my friend! Percy, meet my wife. Percy — Delighted, I'm sure! (Percy and Mrs. C. shake hands in formal man- ner, then) : George — Let me take your coat and hat, Perc. We're going to have one fine visit from you. {Takes his coat and hat.) We've been looking forward to your coming for a long time. Haven't we, my dear? Mrs. C. {With deep meaning) — We have, in- deed. George {Going tozvards hall tree, which stands back of C. D.) I've been telling my wife all about you, old chap. 10 MEET AIY WIFE (While George is hanging hat and coat on tree Mrs. C. and Percy are exchanging glances, then) : Percy (Aside) — By Jove! She's rather a nice sort of a woman. Mrs. C. (Aside) — He's certainly much better than I expected — far better. George (Coming down to them) — Now, old chap, find a comfortable chair and let's hear all about yourself. (Percy and George sit beside each other L and Mrs. C. R.) Percy — Oh, there isn't much to tell relative to myself. It's been about the same old sad story, you know. First one thing and then another all the time. (Aside to George) Go on — start some- thing, I'll back you up. George (JVinking slyly at Percy) — Watch me. (Aloud, getting up and going to sideboard) Yes, I suppose (Opens drazver in sideboard and brings out box of cigars). Before we go into details, we'll have to light up. (Comes down to Percy ivith out-stretched box.) (Mrs. C. exhibits angry pantomime business.) Percy (Picking up a cigar) — your wife? Does she object to smoking? George^ — My wife? (Laughs loudly) Say, that's good, old chap. (Laughs again) My wife object to smoking! Not on your life! (To her) My dear, do you object to our smoking? Mrs. C. (Smiling sweeth, but looking daggers 11 MEET MY WIFE at him) — Not in the least, my dear. By all means, smoke. (Angry bis.) George (Lighting Percy^s cigar, then his own, then sits down and ^smokes furiously for a few seconds, all the time looking triumphantly at her) —You know Percy, my wife is one woman in a million. She permits me to do just about as I want to while in the house. Don't you, my dear? Mrs. C. (Sweetly, but looking angrily at him and shaking fist) — Yes, dear; of course I do. George (Laughing) — Of course she does. (Aside) Not! -Percy — It must be great to be married, George. (Sighs pensively). George — Great? Say, take it from me, it's the only life. (Puffs hard on cigar and looks mean- ingly at her.) Percy (Sighing and with pensive look at her) — Well, I might have taken a chance, had I — (pauses quickly.) George — Had you what, Percy? ^ Percy — Had I met the right one. (Gases sig- nificantly at Mrs. C.) George — Of course. There's everything in that, Perc — everything! Now my wife and I couldn't be better mated, could we, dearie? (She smiles sweetly, then pantomimes angry bis.) My wife and I never have an argument — never a cross word — never a solitary thing that isn't in perfect harmony. Right, my dear? Mrs. C. — Quite right. (Angry bis.) MEET MY WIFE George — I'm a lucky dog, Perc — wonderfully lucky! And now, Perc, suppose you entertain us with one of your delig-htfully funny stories. I've been waiting a long time for this, Perc. So fire ahead. Percy — Well, let me see — let me see. (Smokes in reflective manner.) Oh, yes. Here's one. A jolly good one. One of the best I ever heard. You'll be sure to enjoy this one, I know. (Pauses OS if trying to remember story.) George — Yes, yes ; go ahead. I'm sure it'll be immense. Percy — Well, it goes something like this, that is, the story does, you know. It appears that — (Pause) — It appears that — By Jove, I ought to remember it. I've told it a number of times. It's an awfully clever thing, too — decidedly clever — if I could just get the start of the thing. And I'm sure you'd laugh. It's about a fellow that meets another fellow and the first fellow says to the second fellow, he says — it's really awfully clever ; then the second fellow says something equally as clever and that's where the laugh comes, but hang it all, I can't seem to just think of it. Anyhow, it is one of the cleverest things I ever heard. George — Oh, I'm sure it must be. Wasn't that a clever attempt on Percy's part, dear? Mrs. C. — Decidedly clever, I'm sure. Percy — Pray, don't mention it, my dear Mrs. Chamberlain. I know quite a lot more equally clever stories. MEET MY WIFE George — Never mind, Perc — never mind. (Ris- ing.) Now, what do you say to a little game of three-handed pinochle? My wife plays a remark- able game of pinochle, Perc — for a woman. {Bus- tles about arranging table and chairs for game, get- ting deck of cards, etc.) Percy — Oh, Fm sure your wife is clever at any- thing, George. {Exchanges glances with her, then rises and helps George arrange chairs. They sit at small table. George shuffles cards, then passes deck to Mrs. C.) George — There, my dear, we'll let you start the thing off. (Mrs. C. takes deck, starts to shuffle it and then allows half the deck to fall to floor.) (George stoops and gathers up cards.) Mrs. C. — Oh, Fm so sorry. Percy {Leaning towards her while George is picking up cards) — Oh, it doesn't matter in the least, my dear Mrs. Chamberlain. George {Straightening up with cards from floor) — Not in the least, my dear — but please be a little more careful — that's all. Mrs. C. {Shuffling cards) — What did you say we were going to play? George— PINOCHLE ! And the cards have been shuffled quite enough. Go ahead and deal Percy — Oh, there's positively no hurry, you know. Mrs. C. — Oh, he always is in a hurry, Mr. Ham- ilton. {Starts to deal cards, then pauses.) Let's see. How many cards do I deal to each person? MEET MY WIFE George — Why, in pinochle you deal all the cards out, of course. l-'ERCY- -Of course. Mrs. C. — Oh ! Then every person gets all the cards? How can that be? What would the one do who did not have any cards? George — Say, for the love of a grain elevator, did you or did you not, ever play pinochle? Mrs. C. (Indignantly) — Why, of course I have. Percy (To George) — You said yourself she played a clever game — for a woman. George — Yes, for a woman! (To her) My dear, you deal three cards to each of us, leav- ing three cards in the center of the table, which is called the "widow." Now you remember, don't you? Mrs. C. — Oh, to be sure. How stupid of me. (Deals the cards around, three at a time, while the others pick them up. At the last cards she discovers she has made a mistake in deal.) Some- body has too many cards. I'm a card short. George (Groans) — Oh, Lord! Percy — Now don't scold her. It wasn't her fault. I've made misdeals loads of times, George. Mrs. C. — Yes, and so have you. George — Never mind — here — here the "widow" has one card too many. This is yours. (Shows card to her.) Mrs. C. — Why do they call that the "widow" I wonder ? Percy — Because — because — Oh, I heard a dread- 15 MEET MY WIFE uiJy clever answer for that one time. It was be- ause — because George — Maybe you'll think of it to-morrow ■?erc. What do you bid to-night? Percy {Scanning cards) — Let's see. Oh, I'll iay — I'll say about 250 to start it off. George — Gee, you must have something. I'll ,ay 260 to tease it along. (To her) How about /ou, dear? Mrs. C. (Holding cards azvkzvardly) — How nuch ought a person to bid on five nine spots and LOUT jacks and George — (Disgustedly) — Don't tell us what /ou've got in your hand. Mrs. C. — I'm not — anyhow, you'd find it out vhen the cards are played, wouldn't you? Percy (Laughs) — By jove ! That's clever— deucedly clever. George — Oh, yes — immensely clever Percy (Interrupting) — Oh, say; I've got it now VVhy is that called a "widow?" You don't know? [t's because — because when you pick it up you're 50 disappointed in it. (Laughs.) George (Rising) — That's very good indeed, Perc. So good that I think we'll postpone the :ards until some future evening. Now if you'll excuse me for a couple of minutes, I'll go out and get something drinkable; sorry I haven't it in the house. After your brain exercise, Perc, I think you need something in the nature of a stimulant. What ?ay you to a bottle of mild wine? 16 MEET MY WIFE Percy — Delighted, I'm sure. But why not let me go after it? Mrs. C. — No, no ; let George do it. Percy (Laughs) — "Let George do it." By jove — that is clever! (Laughs.) George — Oh, my wife is there with the clever stuff, all right, all right. Now I shant be gone long. In the meantime, Perc — (Lays one hand on Percy's shoulder). In the meantime, tell my wife some more of your really funny stories. I'll not be long. So long. (George grabs his hat and exits CD.) Percy (Aside) — Now to give the lady the shock of her life. (Deliberately makes eyes at her.) Mrs. C. (Gasping zvith astofiishment) — Good gracious! The wretch is trying to flirt with me. I'll teach him a lesson. (She smiles at him delib- erately. Goes to sofa and sits, sighing profoundly. Percy goes to chair R., sits and sighs in the same manner. Then they both look around toward Cen- ter door in a cautious manner.) Percy (Embarrassed) — It's a — it's a very pleas- ant evening, isn't it? Mrs. C— Is it? Percy — Why — Why, of course it is. Mrs. C. — Of course (Sighs). Percy (Silly laugh) — I heard an extremely clever story once about a pleasant evening. Mrs. C.— Oh, do tell it. (Aside) I hope he chokes. Percy (Thinking hard) — I — I can't seem to re- MEET MY WIFE member it. But it was really and truly a tcrriDi^ clever thing. Mrs. C. (Sighs, then smiles coquettishly at hint) — Don't you suppose you could think of something clever if you — you were to sit (Moves over on sofa, inviting him to come and sit beside her) over here? Percy (Exhibiting agitation) — I — I am quite comfortable here, you know. (Glances nervously about.) Mrs. C. (Sighs) — It shouldn't be a question of •your comfort. Perhaps there is someone else to be considered. (Coquettish biz.) Percy (Glancing nervously about) — ^Yes — that's it. Mrs. C. — Oh, don't mind George. I'm sure / don't. Percy (Aside) — She is tempting me. (To her) You appear to be very happy with George. Mrs. C. (Sighs) — Yes — I appear to be. Percy (Rising and again glancing at center door, then crossing to her) — It's really too bad, my dear Mrs. Chamberlain, that a woman of your charm- ing grace and cleverness should not have a more — more — well a husband more like myself, for in- stance. (Bends over her.) Mrs. C. (Hanging head shyly) — It's really not my fault, Mr. Hamilton. Percy (Speaking rapidly and earnestly) — I want to tell you something. You have asked me to say something clever. I'm going to try to now. MEET MY WIFE 1 want to say that I have been playing a part here this evening Mrs. C. (Surprised) — You — playing a part? Percy — Please don't interrupt. (Glances again at center door, then bends over her and speaks rapidly as before.) Yes — playing a part. I had an object in view. I wanted your husband to be- lieve that I was something of a bore, a fool, if you will. One not clever enough to — to try — to try and make love to his wife — the most won- derful woman that ever stepped across my path — (She tries to stop him, but he seizes her hand and continues) : Don't try to stop me — I must tell you — tell you that I love you Mrs. C. (Drawing away in seeming horror and puttinz both hands to her ears) — No, no ; you must not — ■vou must not. I was only joking FERCY — 1 must and shall say it. I love you! You've got to leave this stupid husband of yours and come with me. Do you hear ? Come with me ! Mrs. C. — No, no ; I tell you no. Percy — Oh, I know how to make you yield. So ! (He is standing back of her and now grabs her tightly and kisses her two or three times madly. As he kisses her the first time George enters, goes to sideboard to deposit bottle and lunch basket which he carries. He apparently does not discover them uvtil he looks in mirror of sideboard, then the expression of his face changes from a genial one to that of one of mingled anger, surprise, and finally despair. He sets basket on sideboard, then MEET MY WIFE ixncfi bottle in rignt hana He comes aoivn to center table and slams bottle hard on it. With the sound Percy releases Mr. C. and both zvhirl about, fac- ing GEORGe. zi'ho stands staring fixedly at tnem. 4 period of full 12 seconds elapses before a zvora IS spoken, during zvhich none move a muscle, then) : Mrs. C. {Excitedly) — George! {Sinks back on sofa, as if about to faint.) George (Coldly) — I surprised you, did I? (Percy backs across stage to R., with eyes fixed on George, then stops and leans both hands on back of chair, eyes glued on George. Then George, with a strong effort at self control, goes on brok- enly) : I — I hardly expected to see — to find any- thing Hke this Percy {Hoarsely) — It's all — all a mistake, George. George {Interrupting and turning fiercely tozvards him) — Shut up, you cur! There zvas no mistake! I saw what I sazv. I saw a traitorous friend and a faithless wife. I wish to God I could call it a mistake — anything but what it really is. And you — you snake in the grass ! You called yourself my friend. (Laughs bitterly.) My God — what a friend ! Mrs. C. {N'ozv for the first time taking hands from in front of her eyes, half rising from sofa and appealing to him) — George, look at me. Don't speak like that. I — I George {Turning to her) — As for you — well, 20 AlEET MY WIFE it's pretty hard to think one I called wife would — maybe I haven't always been just as I should have been. Perhaps I haven't been a good husband. But I've tried — tried hard. True, I haven't given you a lot of money, jewels and fine gowns. But — Oh, what's the use. You've started a circus, you two ; but the principal actor was late for the performance. He's here now, so we'll go on with the show. Keep your eyes on the ringmaster. (Szvitches on electric light, then reaches in drawer and brings out reioher which he holds under the strong light for a brief instant, then) : Percy {Raising chair high overhead, which he has all along been clutching tightly and is about to hurl it at George) — Damn you, I'll George {Turning revolver toward Percy and speaking slowly and coolly) — I said, keep your eye on the ringmaster. Mrs. C. — George — husband — listen to me! George {Still keeping Percy covered zvith re- volver and not looking towards her) — No, you'll listen to rue, madam. Both of you will listen. I'm going to kill you both in a few seconds. Kill you both, understand ! ( To Percy) You first, you snake! {To her) And then you. Such people as you only poison the air honest folks breathe. Mrs. C. {On knees and holding hands out- stretched tozcard him, pleadingly) — No, no — not that — not that I — I — he (Breaking down and sobbing.) Percy {Pointedly, to George) — The fact is. old MEET MY WIFE chap, the big scene in my new play wants a climax, and your good wife, while endeavoring to teach me a well-deserved lesson, merely helped to prove what a jealous husband looks like. George (To Mrs. C.) — Is this true? Mrs. C. (Sobbing quietly) — I swear it. George (Magnanimously) — Rise, Mrs. C, I forgive you. Mrs. C. (Springing up joyously and throzvin^ her arms about his neck) — George, George, you're an angel! (George winks at Percy) Fll never be cross with you again, dear, never! (With her arms about his neck she drops her head on his shoulder. George, zmth his left arm about her waist, offers his right hand to Percy, who is on the R. Percy grasps George's hand and shakes it heartily as the curtain descends.^ curtain. Positions at Curtain: Percy. Mrs. C. and George. One-Act Comedy Sketches and Monologs by HARRY NEWTON ^ "An Invitation to the Ball." A comedy sketch in 1 scene for 1 male and 1 female, by Harry L. Newton. Plenty of work and good comedy for Mose Johnson, a colored servant, and Birdie Birdsell, the daughter of his master, who has made up her mind to attend a masque ball with Mose in attendance. Price 25 cents, postpaid. "A ROSE OF MEXICO." A comedy-dramatic playlet of Mexican life, by Harry L. Newton. An original dramatic playlet for 1 male and 1 female, the scene of which is laid in Mexico. The story is of absorbing interest centered around Carmita, a Mexican girl, recently returned from school in the United States. Pedro, a Mexican youth, has turned bandit in her absence to secure money enough to ask her to marry him. He discovers that she loves one Frank Carter, a young engineer. He threatens Carter's life and at the same time admits that he has stolen the pay-roll, which Carter may be accused of stealing. By stratagem she obtains his bowie knife and revolver and compels him to give up the stolen money, saving her sweetheart's honor thereby. 25 Cents Postpaid "Two Girls and Him." A comedy classic in 1 scene for 2 females and 1 male, by Harry L. Newton. There is a vein of exquisite sentiment running through this little playlet which is particularly appeal- ing, for it is a veritable chapter from real life. Two good-natured chorus ladies. Florence and Birdie Feathertop, find themselves stranded at a little depot with five cents between them and no way of getting back home, unless by walking. Timothy McDufY, the tender-hearted old station agent, hears of their sad plight and spends his savings with which he was going to buy a phonograph, to pay their way to the city. "A Jack and a Queen." A comedietta in 1 act for 2 males and 1 female, by Harry L. Newton. Jack Wilson, a young bachelor, having recently re- turned from a tour of the world, decides to settle down by marrying his fiancee, Flora Mason, whom he has not seen for eight years. Flora pays a surreptitious visit to Jack's apartments and discovers that "Tottie Twinkletoes," a dancer, is to call upon him that after- noon. Jack discovers Flora in his rooms and mistakes her for Tottie. Flora keeps up the deception and some very smart dialogue ensues, at the end of which peace and mutual understanding are fully established. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. M. WITMARK & SONS 86 Witmark Bldg. New York MINSTREL AND VAUDEVILLE FARCES "Izzy's Vacation." A summer episode in 2 scenes, by Harry L. Newton. This is a splendid comedy for Hebrew comedian and lady who can play pert young miss, wearing her hair down her back in braids. Izzy Goldberg is on a vacation in the country and constantly running across Grace Howe, a breezy young person who, in the spirit of mischief, accuses Izzy of having followed her. In scene two they meet by a babbimg brook, and as both are on a lishing expedi- tion, some ludicrous situations are created with mucn smart dialogue. Price, 25 cents, postpaid "THE HIGH LICENSE COURT." Burlesque By Frank Dumont The unlimited possibilities for fun in the court-room scene have surely been taken advantage of in this skit. The "inside working" of the Police Court Judiciary is cleverly satirized. Makes a fine after-piece for where an ensemble wants something to do. Price complete, 25 cents postpaid "VERY DANGEROUS TRICKS." Farce by Frank Dumont. Novel and bright. Humorous situations develop one after the other. A continual howl — the result. Easy to "put on." Price complete, 25 cents postpaid "DR. HIPP, THE HYPNOTISER." Farce by Frank Dumont. Not necessary for much description, excepting to call attention to the many excruciatingly funny situations that present themselves in a burlesque on "Hypnotis- ing." Laugh succeeds laugh "rapid fire like," and the climax — a volcanic eruption of "Ha Ha's.'' Price complete, 25 cents postpaid "GET BACKS." Dialogue for two comedians, by Frank Dumont. This is not a farce — not a sketch — nor an after-piece — simply a "long-felt want" in the shape of a bright, brisk act, consisting of a dialogue of crossfire gags and stories especially, and for the first time prepared and arranged for two comedians, to do as an olio num- ber of a vaudeville or minstrel performance. Price complete, 25 cents postpaid Positively No Plays Exchanged. M. WITMARK & SONS 86 Witmark Bldg. New York SEP 4 1913 QOMIC TRAVESTIES 'DOCTOR LOW-RENTS (LORENTZ) SURGERY/' THE CO-RE-IN TWINS. Farce by Frank Dumont. 4 Male Characters. An exceedingly funny act. Can be played in white or black face. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "THE MANHATTAN CLUB." A Comedy Sketch Adapted to a Alale Quartette, Intro- ducing the Song, "Bill of Fare." By J. Bodewalt Lampe. A refined sketch for male characters. Clean, bright and novel, just the thing for a singing comedy four. Humorous dialog in which two selected songs can be introduced in addition to the song, "Bill of Fare," which accompanies the sketch. Price, 50 cents, complete, postpaid. "THE STAGE-STRUCK BOARDING HOUSE." Burlesque in One Scene. By Frank Dumont. 4 Males — 2 Females. A depiction of a stage-struck boarding house with the consequential amusing outcome of such a state of affairs. The experience of Mr. Somerset, who has been invited to come down for a visit, with the assurance that he'll have a pleasant time, is very interesting. — George gets more than he expected. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "GIVE AND TAKE." "Hat" Dialog for Two Comedians. By Frank Dumont. The second series of "Get-Backs." Quick, snappy work for two funny men; an up-to-date, novel and interesting act for the olio or second part of a minstrel entertainment. Can also be used in any other per- formance. Sure to please. A laugh in every speech. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "GET-BACKS." Dialog for Two Comedians. By Frank Dumont. This is not a farce — nor a sketch — nor an after-piece — simply a "long-felt want" in the shape of a bright, brisk act, consisting of a dialog of crossfire gags and stories especially and for the first time prepared and arranged for two comedians to do as an olio number of a vaudeville or minstrel performance. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "AUTOMOBILE CRAZY." * Burlesque in One Scene. By Frank Dumont. 7 Males — 1 Female. A successful, up-to-date burlesque, which calls for vigorous action all around. It is always received with tumultuous applause. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. M. WITMARK & SONS 86 Witmark Bldg. New York r 4 l! WITMARK ENTERTAINMENT PUBLICATIONS LIBRARY OF CONGRESS Have You Entertainm< LET US AID YOU ^f^cr^o^Jv^/'a" WITMARK SE I Our correspondence specialists are particul ^ WlO 910 174 5 ^. you valuable suggestions and arrange by mail any styie ui tm^. ..„ bition or performance desired, and can furnish low and accurate estimates of costs, and accessories required. Just a few of the THINGS WE CAN DO FOR YOU S^ NOTE THE WIDE VARIETY ^m Our Entertainment Publications are gotten up for every requirement and occasion by the most noted professionals for the use of every class of Amateur, and comprise among others: Action Songs, Recitations, Readings, Dialogs, Drills, Solos, Quartets, Cantatas, Operettas and Musical Comedies, Comic Operas and Grand Operas, Comedies, Farces, Dramas, Sketches, Burlesques, Tableaux, Min- strel Overtures and Finales, Minstrel Guides, Joke and Gag Books, Monologs, Afterpieces, Vaudeville Material, IMusic Instruction Books, Guides to Selecting Plays, Magical Books, Books on How to Make-Up, Side Degrees, Burlesque Initiations, Suitable for Kindergartens, Schools, Academies, Colleges,. Churches, Drawing Rooms, Lodges, Clubs, Y. M. C. A.'s, Musical and iDrarrtatie* Associa- tions, Operatic Clubs, Oratorio and Choral Societies, Glee Clubs and Quartets, Minstrel, Vaudeville, Lyceum and Concert Entertainers — also suggestions and materials for Social Entertaining, Fairs, Exhibitions, Fates, Outdoor Occa- sions, etc., etc. We are the exclusive owners and controllers of over 200 copyrighted comic operas and musical comedies including such successes as "Robin-Hood," "Wizard of the Nile," '"The Serenade," "Wang," and others, especially adapted for ama- teur productions, for which we supply the prompt book, stag« manager's guide, dialogue parts, vocal scores, solo and chorus parts, orchestral score and orches- tral parts, and we are the only house that can give the right to play them. We carry everything in this department from PINAFORE to PARSIFAL. NO MAT- TER WHAT KIND OF ENTERTAINMENT YOU NEED, CONSULT US. We publish Catalogs and Literature covering all of the above. WRITE us what you are particularly interested in and we will START YOU RIGHT. Ours is the only House in the whole world that is so thoroughly equipped for the Amateur Entertainer FOR CATALOGS, SUPPLIES. ETC.. ADDRESS M. WITMARK & SONS ENTERTAINMENT SUPPLIES DEPT. 5 Witmark Building : : : : : New York For information and for suggestions, address personally ALBERT CARLTON, Director, Information Bureau M. WITMARK & SONS 5 Witmark Building : : ' : : New York Everything from a ONE-RING puzzle to a THREE-RING circus