PS 635 
 .29 
 M4757 
 
 Copy 1 
 
 !ernational Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and 
 I States) Edition of tlie Works of the Best Authors 
 
 No. 261. 
 
 THE ELOPERS 
 
 B jfarccsGomeDB In One Bet 
 
 BY 
 
 PAUL MERION 
 
 Copyright, 1913, by Samuel French 
 
 NOTiC£."The Professional acting rights of this play are re- 
 served by the publisher, and permission for such perform- 
 ances must be obtained before performances are given. This 
 notice does not apply to antateurs, ^vho may perform the play 
 'without permission. All unauthorized professional pro- 
 ductions -vvill be prosecuted to the full extent of the la^v. 
 
 New York 
 SAMUEL FRENCH 
 
 PUBLISHER 
 
 28-30 WEST 38th Street 
 
 London 
 
 SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
 
 26 Southampton Street 
 
 STRAND 
 
THE ELOPERS 
 
 a 3farcc»ComcD^ in One Bet 
 
 BY 
 
 PAUL MERION 
 
 Copyright, 1913, by Samuel French 
 
 NOTICE. "The Professional acting rights* of this play are re- 
 served by the publisher, and permission for snch perform- 
 ances must be obtained before performances are given. 'This 
 notice does not apply to amateurs, >vl»o may perform the play 
 without permission. All unauthorized professional pro> 
 ductions >vill be prosecuted to the iiiYl extent of the law. 
 
 New York 
 SAMUEL FRENCH 
 
 PUBLISHER 
 
 28-30 WEST 38th Street 
 
 London 
 
 SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
 
 26 Southampton Street 
 
 STRAND 
 
THE ELOPERS. ,^.>f\ 
 
 CHAEACTEES. <^ ^ '^ 
 
 
 <ljK 
 
 Phyllis Gerard a young woman 
 
 EoY CoxKLix a young man 
 
 Mrs. Gerard = . . . Step-mother to Phyllis 
 
 Sc'ENE :^Ho?ne of Mrs. Gerard. 
 
 Place. — A^eiu Yorl\ Tui'E.—The present. 
 
 I^ote: — Extra character — a policeman — {property 
 man part.) 
 
 Sitting-room in house of Mrs. Gerard. Up-stairs 
 window R. in flat. Door l. Closet door with portiere 
 R. Table l. c, with chair to l. of it. Broken chair 
 (sagging seat) r. near closet. Telephone on table. 
 Sofa E. Up stage to l. of window a trunk and a box 
 or two. 
 
 Lights : — Full up. Outdoor hacHng. 
 
 to fire-escape 
 
 g Railing 
 Window 
 
 [ j Broken Chiair Boxes and Trunks 
 
 ^ Portiere . Door into hall 
 
 •'^, over closet dbor 
 
 [] Chair 
 
 Sofa 
 
 with Cushions 
 
 Q)C!.D 34796 
 
THE ELOPERS. 
 
 {Enter Phyllis l., excitedly. She lugs a huge dress- 
 suit case. Wears satin trained gotvn with long 
 street coat over it, and a street hat with hanging 
 veil. The hat is on very much asTceiv as if donned 
 in a hurry.) 
 
 Mrs. Gehard. {heard outside, her tones severe) 
 Phyllis ! Phyllis ! 
 
 Phyllis. She's after me! {lool\s ahout dis- 
 tractedly, then runs and hides behind portiere E.) 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Phyllis, I say! 
 
 Phyllis. {peeps from behind portiere appre- 
 hensively) Oh, please don't find me. Oh, Pll just 
 drop dead if yon do ! Heavens ! {puts hand to nose) 
 Fm afraid Pm going to sneeze! {lets portiere con- 
 ceal her again) 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. {appears in door) Phyllis ! 
 {turns and calls off l.) Maria, have yon seen my 
 step-daughter, Phyllis? She's gone from her room, 
 and has taken her clothes. Pun quick to the door, 
 Maria, and look up and do^'n f^e street. Pll search 
 the house, {enters room, calling) Phyllis! Ph3dlis ! 
 Where are you? {stares toivard sofa) I see you — 
 you cruel, ungrateful girl ! You needn't think you 
 can hide from me! {loolcs behind lace curtain of 
 window) I've got my eyes on the very place where 
 where you are! {stares up at ceiling) I see you! 
 (Phyllis gives loud ^neeze. Mrs. Gerard speaks 
 
 3 
 
4 THE ELOPEES. 
 
 triumphantly) I HEAE you! (runs and drags 
 Phyllis from behind curtain) iSTow, what have you 
 got to say for yourself, {gives Phyllis a shake and 
 Phy'llis drops suit-case to floor) 
 
 Phy'llis. Xothing. Fm out of breath, (speaks 
 almost iearfully) Confound my nose! If it had 
 only known enough to be seen and not heard — this 
 never would have happened ! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, {severely) And where were you 
 going wi:h that suit-case? 
 
 Phyllis. Xowliere in particular. 
 
 (Mrs. Gerard shalces her.) 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Nowhere? 
 
 Phyxlis. Yes, the grocery-store. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. The grocery-store? In your wed- 
 ding dress? 
 
 Phy'llis. {frightened and incoherrent) Yes, to 
 return some salt that wasn't sweet enough. I — I 
 mean some coffee that wasn't tea enough. Anyhow — 
 to return some groceries. You know you've always 
 wanted me to take an interest in the marketing. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, {sarcastically and unbelievingly) 
 Open that bag and let me SEE the groceries you're 
 taking back. (Phy'llis kneels and opens hag) 
 What's that thing on top? 
 
 Phyllis, {as if surprised herself) Why, it looks 
 like a night-gown, doesn't it? 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, {takes it up and displays it) And 
 wliat does the grocer want of that? 
 
 Phy'LLIs. {stammeringly) I — I didn't mean to 
 return that. The proprietor is so fat he couldn^t 
 wear it anyway. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. And why did jou take it? 
 
 Phyllis. I only thought it might be handy in 
 case the clerks were slow al)out waiting on me, and 
 I was detained there over night. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, {taking other articles from suit- 
 
THE ELOPERS. 5 
 
 case) Another night-gown! Three cakes of toilet- 
 soap, two evening dresses, a tooth-brush, and a por- 
 ous plaster, {sarcastically) When did I order those 
 of the grocer? Let me see. 
 
 Phyllis. Why, dear me, I must have got hold of 
 the wrong bundle ! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Ungrateful girl! You can't fool 
 me! You were about to elope? W^eren't you? (she 
 shale es Phyllis again) 
 
 Phyllis, (much fnghtened) Y-Y-e-es, I was. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Who was the man ? 
 
 Phyllis. What man? 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. The man you were about to elope 
 with, of course. 
 
 Phyllis. But he wasn't coarse — in fact he wasn't 
 at all. I'm eloping all by myself. I don't want any 
 man. After that cross-eyed, pink-eared old ourang- 
 atang you picked out for me to marry — I'm going to 
 elope by myself. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. The man I have selected for your 
 future husband is of very distinguished appearance. 
 
 Phyllis. He might be, if it wasn't for his feet 
 and his face. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. And the ceremony takes place this 
 evening, as I had planned. Thank heaven, I caught 
 you in time ! Now, will you promise to give up your 
 mad idea of flight, and come down and meet your 
 future husband on his arrival, as a dutiful girl 
 should ? 
 
 Phyllis, (breaks away from Mrs. Gerard and 
 goes lehind sofa) iSTo, I don't promise -anything of 
 the kind. You've brow-beat me all my life ; 'til now, 
 step-ma Gerard, I haven't had the back-bone of a jelly 
 fish. But even a jelly fish can rebel once in a while, 
 and when it comes to marrying a man fifty years 
 older than myself, and snaggle toothed besides, the 
 jelly fish will wiggle a defiance! I refuse to marry 
 him. 
 
6 THE ELOPERS. 
 
 Mrs. Geeard. No? Then the jelly fish can wig- 
 gle in this top-story room until she has changed her 
 mind. A starvation diet of bread and water some- 
 times has an excellent effect, I've heard, {goes to 
 door L.) I'll lock you in. 
 
 Phyllis, {springs after Mrs. Gerard, hut door 
 is closed in her face) Don't you dare! {sound of 
 hey turning in loch) She dared. I knew she would. 
 Here I ara shut up in a third story room, and all the 
 servants bribed to be on her side, and no way out 
 but the fire-escape, and I can't go down on that be- 
 cause I get dizzy, and step-ma knows I get dizzy. 
 {dramatically) Oh, there's only one hope on earth 
 left for me — only one, only one! {he gins searching 
 in suit-case among the articles ivhicli her step-mother 
 had replaced) Oh, she can't be cruel enough to have 
 taken that away from me. She can't ! Oh, thank 
 my stars, here it is ! {takes up pachage of cheiving- 
 gum) Oh, if Juliet had only known about chewing- 
 gum, she could have faced death so much easier ! 
 {takes paper from gum and h eg Ins to chew) She's 
 made me desperate — driven me to it, and as soon as 
 the peppermint flavor gets out of this gum, I'll shut 
 my eyes and make one flying leap across the room, 
 and dive off the fire-escape ! And if it kills me, 
 they'll hang her for murder, and it will serve the old 
 cross-patch right, {chews rapidly) The peppermint 
 flavor is about gone ! {chews as if trying to get all 
 the taste out of gum possible to extract) I shall al- 
 ways remember that my last flavor was peppermint. 
 Me for the flying leap!, {goes down stage,, clenches 
 her fists and braces lierself, then duchs her head and 
 runs to ivindoiLK Just as she reaches it Eoy Conk- 
 LiN" steps through, and they collide) 
 
 Eoy. {hand to stomach, breathlessly) Great 
 Scott! 
 
 Phyllis. Good heavens! 
 
 Eoy. You dived straight into my stomach and al- 
 most butted my brains out ! 
 
THE ELOPEES. 7 
 
 Phyllis. Well, what right have yon to get into 
 my way when I start to jump out of the window. 
 {choices) And you made me swallow my chewing- 
 gum ! 
 
 EoY. Were you really going to jump out of that 
 window ? 
 
 Phyllis. Yes. Just v/hen you jumped in. 
 
 EoY. But, didn't you know it would kill you when 
 you landed? 
 
 Phyllis. N'o, I knew it wouldn't. I wear rubber 
 heels, and I would have bounced. 
 
 EoY. But, suppose you'd lit on your head. 
 
 Phyllis, {indignantly) I'd never do anything 
 so unladylike. I suppose you're a burglar. I wish 
 you'd come to steal my step-ma ! 
 
 EoY. Burglar? ISTo. I'm the son of poor but 
 honest parents. I'm in the dickens of a scrape, 
 though. I strolled into a down town saloon out of 
 curiosity half an hour ago, and was just in time to 
 witness a murder. 
 
 Phyllis. Oh, my goodness — go away ! You ter- 
 rify me ! 
 
 EoY. But, I didn't murder anyone. Do I look as 
 if I did? 
 
 Phyllis. Well, yes, you do — but I'm afraid to 
 tell you so for fear you'll murder me. 
 
 EoY. I give you my word I never in all my life 
 murdered any human being except a mosquito. But 
 I was foolish enough to run, thinking to keep my 
 name out of the papers. And the crowd pitched 
 onto me as the guilty chap. I'm pursued now by 
 three policemen, and half the floating population of 
 [N'ew York besides. Tore my trousers on your in- 
 fernal fire-escape. But, here I am— safe and sound ! 
 
 Phyllis. Well, you can't stay here, you know. 
 It isn't proper ! You're a man. I'm a woman. And 
 the door's locked ! 
 
 EoY. {surprised) Who locked it? 
 
 Phyllis, {wearily) Step-ma. On the outside. 
 
8 THE ELOPEES. 
 
 EoY. (excitedly, peering from window) And 
 there's a policeman just going past. He must have 
 seen me turn down tiiis street. And it is only a mat- 
 ter of time when the}^ begin searching the houses ! If 
 I'm caught I may be up against it proving I wasn't 
 the man who sliced up the other one. You've got to 
 think up some way to get me out of this. 
 
 Phyllis. Out of the scrape, or out of the room? 
 Which? 
 
 EoY. Both. It's a serious situation. 
 
 Phyllis. It will be if step-ma finds it out. {lis- 
 tens) And she's coming now ! You always know 
 the step of a step-ma. 
 
 EoY. If I'm caught, I'll probably be put to death. 
 
 Phyllis. If I'm caught I'll be talked to death, 
 and that's worse. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (outside) Phyllis! 
 
 Phyllis. Yes, step-ma. (aside to Eoy) Don't 
 try to hide. I'll keep her out, unices che slides in 
 through the key-hole, (hands him piece of gum) 
 Here, take a piece of chewing-gum to brace you. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. (outside) What's that about 
 brace ? Why are you talking to yourself ? 
 
 Phyllis. I said I'd like to embrace you, step-ma. 
 (shakes fist at door) I'm blaming myself for being 
 so wicked and ungrateful. I'm a naughty, naughty 
 girl, not to have appreciated your kindness to me, 
 and in future I'll endeavor to do just what you say. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Well, since you're in such a peni- 
 tent state of mind, I'll unlock the door, and 
 
 Phyllis, {holding door shut) No, no, don't 
 come in yet, dear step^ma, not quite yet. I'm not 
 dressed ! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Not dressed? 
 
 Phyllis. I'm taking a bath — to — to cool my tem- 
 per. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. But there's no water in that room. 
 
 Phyllis. An air bath, I mean. You'll wait 'til 
 
THE ELOPERS. 9 
 
 I'm dressed, won't you step-ma ? I'll put on a collar 
 in a minute or two. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Don't be too long. 
 
 Phyllis. I won't, (listens, then speaks to Eoy) 
 Step-ma is stepping down the steps now, and I have 
 an idea for your escape. Take off your clothes. 
 
 Eoy. [astounded at the suggestion) What? 
 
 Phyllis. Your coat — your vest — you've got to 
 disguise 3^ourself. Oh, isn't it the most fortunate 
 thing in the world that the trunk belonging to our 
 private dramatic club is right here in this room? 
 
 Roy. Private theatricals, you say? I do see a 
 ray of light. 
 
 Phyllis, (kneels by trunk, takes out silk skirt, 
 scarf, and elaborate long coat) I wore these myself 
 only last week. I was the lovely Countess of War- 
 wickshire, and — (hands over skirt) There's the 
 skirt, you may have to squeeze in a little at the 
 waist. I did. 
 
 Roy. (hastily gets into skirt and struggles hard 
 to make it meet at waist line) I'll never get this 
 together 'til Roosevelt and Wall Street meet and 
 kiss ! 
 
 Phyllis, (discouraged) You haven't the new 
 figure or you could wear it better. But these safety 
 pins may help, (gets pins from suit-case and pins 
 skirt to his coat) There's a long coat goes over it 
 all, and a scarf, (dresses him in these articles) 
 
 Roy. Aren't you going to do my pompadour? 
 
 Phyllis, It's done. (snatclies up ivig from 
 trunk and puts it on his head) The Countess wore 
 these lovely tresses hanging down her satin back, 
 but I'll put in a hair-pin. (does so) That's splen- 
 did. You're a perfect fright! (takes hand-mirror 
 from trunk and holds it before him) 
 
 Roy. (as he looks in mirror) Ilully gee! But 
 I'd hate to met myself on a dark night ! 
 
 Phyllis. That sounds just like a little boy with 
 
10 THE ELOPEES. 
 
 freckles I used to know at school. He always said 
 " hully gee ! '^ when — 
 
 Roy. (interrupting quickly) When the girl on 
 the seat back of him tickled his neck with a feather. 
 Say, let me take a look at you. (takes hold of her 
 hands and looks at her closely) You were that girl! 
 
 Phyllis. You were that boy ! 
 
 Roy. How you've grown ! 
 
 Phyllis. How you've improved ! The freckles 
 only cover half of your face now. They used to cover 
 it all! 
 
 Roy. Why, but I was always going to luarry that 
 little girl when I grew up. 
 
 Ppiyllis. Oh, were you? Well, that little girl 
 ahvays HOPED she'd marry you, until her old step- 
 mother picked out some one else, and now it's ever- 
 lastingly too late ! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (outside) Phyllis! 
 
 Roy. (to Phyllis) She's got a voice like a steel 
 saw sizzing through a cake of ice ! 
 
 Phyllis. Doesn't it give you the shivarees? 
 (loudly) Yes, step-ma! 
 
 Mrs. Ger^ird. Phyllis, I distinctly heard a man's 
 voice in that room with you ! And what's the matter 
 with this door? You haven't been bolting it on the 
 inside, have you? 
 
 Phyllis. Oh, no, step-ma, and the man in here's 
 a perfect lady — Miss O'Brien. 
 
 Roy. (half ivhisper to Phyllis) Who^s Miss 
 O'Brien? Quick! 
 
 Phyllis, (in hurried undertone) Rich old maid. 
 Next block. Step-ma's 'crazy to meet her. You're 
 it. Here's your hat. (snatches loud fussy hat from 
 trunk and throws it to RoY who sets it on his head. 
 Phyllis opens door) Come in, step-ma! 
 
 (Enter Mrs. Gerard.) 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (excitedly) Why, but whatever 
 
THE ELOPERS. 11 
 
 brought Miss O'Brien here, and how on earth did she 
 get into this room with the door locked ? 
 
 Phylls. {talking to gain time, laughing nerv- 
 ously) A^Tiy, it's the most extraordinary thing — 
 the most extraordinarily extraordinary thing — isn't 
 it, Miss O'Brien? 
 
 Roy. (high pitched, husky voice) It are. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. What are? 
 
 Phyllis. Why, how she came into this room. 
 She — she — fell in. Didn't 3^ou, Miss O'Brien? 
 
 I?OY. (same style) I dude ! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (very much puzzled) But what 
 did she fall from? 
 
 Phyllis. From the — the — (at a loss for ideas 
 turns appealingly to Roy) Didn't 3'ou? 
 
 Roy. Yes, that's what I fell from. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. From what? 
 
 Phyllis. (smilingly triumphant) Why, from 
 the air-ship ! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (iritli delighted surprise) What, 
 Miss O'Brien, you aviate? 
 
 Roy. Yes, and occasionally I gravitate — that's 
 why Pm here ! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (wonderingly) But what did you 
 light on? 
 
 Roy. (tearfully) That's too painful to mention. 
 
 Phyllis. To change the subject — of course I had 
 to explain to Miss O'Brien, step-ma, that you'd locked 
 me in because I wouldn't marry Mr. De Puyster. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Oh, Miss O'Brien, I appeal to you. 
 Mr. De Puyster being a member of your own social 
 set — shouldn't my step-daughter be thankful on her 
 knees to marry such a man ? 
 
 Roy. (still with high-pitched voice which he uses 
 throughout this scene) What Mr. De Puyster? 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Richard. 
 
 Roy. Oh, Rich? 
 
 Phyllis. Yes, he is rich and that's why she 
 
12 THE ELOPERS. 
 
 insists on my marrying him. He gives her five 
 thousand dollars to make the match. 
 
 Roy. He's a lovely man ! 
 
 Mes. Geeaed. (triumphantly to Phyllis) 
 There! 
 
 Roy. De Puyster's a pillow-faced, flat footed, 
 sardine-eyed, dear old thing. Any girl ought to love 
 him. If he was only about thirty years younger, I'd 
 set my cap for him myself. 
 
 Mes. Geeaed. Why, there's something peculiar 
 about all this ! How strangely she acts ! 
 
 Phyllis, (in exaggerated undertone) Step-ma, 
 don't let her hear you say so ! She's a little tipsy. 
 She had a champagne dinner on the air-ship — that's 
 why she fell out. ( 
 
 Mes. Geeaed. (shaking finder at Miss O'Beien" 
 in playful admonition) 0-oh ! 
 
 Roy. (imitating voice and gesture) 0-oh! 
 
 Mrs. Geeaed. Really, dear, I don't blame you in 
 the least. These things are getting so popular in the 
 best society. And speaking of air-ships, sweet Miss 
 O'Brien— 
 
 Roy. (interrupts quicMy) Reminds me that I 
 must be going home. 
 
 Mes. Geeaed. Oh, no, pray don't go. Miss O'Brien. 
 Won't you remain for the evening's festivities? 
 
 Roy. What festivities? (drunhenly mispro- 
 nounces " festivities.") 
 
 Mes. Geeaed. My step-daughter's union with 
 Mr. De Puyster. 
 
 Phyllis. She calls it "festivities." I call it a 
 wake ! That's what it ought to be called when you're 
 marrying a dead one. 
 
 Roy. (^0 Phyllis) Don't you want to marry 
 Mr. Pillow-face? I mean — Mr. Rich De Puyster? 
 
 Phyllis. Want to marry him ? W^asn't I going to 
 jump out of the window to keep from doing it? 
 
 Roy. Mustn't do that. Mustn't jump out of the 
 window. Promise me you won't. Or I'll sit down 
 
THE ELOPEES. 13 
 
 here and wait until the police and Da Purstef come ! 
 
 Phyllis. The police? Oh, you mustn't do that! 
 I promise, Miss O'Brien. 
 
 Mrs. GEII.VED. Thank you, dear Miss O'Brien, tor 
 
 backing me up. 
 
 EoY. Don't let another man come near her. 
 (with drunlen enthusiasm) Sweet girl , your step- 
 daughter, step-ma. I took a shine to her the minute 
 I came into the room. 
 
 Phyllis. {delighted, addressing him direct) 
 Did you? Did you indeed? And I took a shine to 
 you, Miss O'Brien. Truly I did. {she slides toward 
 him, they give each other a furtive hand squeeze, and 
 then she slides away again) ^ ^ > 
 
 EoY. If I weren't Miss O'Brien I'd cut De Puyster 
 out and marrv her myself. 
 
 Phyllis. "^Oh, would you, Miss O'Brien? 
 EoY. I would, if you'd have me. {goes to Phyl- 
 lis and puts his arm around her ivaist) 
 
 Phyllis. Oh, I'd have you, I'd have you ! {steps 
 away from him) I'd have anything in place of De 
 Puyster— but especially you. ^ 
 
 EoY. It's a bargain, {they rush into each others 
 arms and embrace rapturously) . ^ . . j 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Dear me! She's so intoxicated 
 she embraces you quite like a man! \Ye ought to 
 'phone for a servant to take her home. But she 11 
 have to be friends with me after this. So I'm a step 
 higher in the social scale! 
 
 EoY. I really must be going. Kiss me again, my 
 
 dear child. 
 
 Phyllis, {coquettishly) Oh, no! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Go on, my dear child. We mustn t 
 ofiend her. 
 
 EoY. No, you mustn't offend me. 
 
 Phylls. One's enough, Miss O'Brien. 
 
 EoY. Can't have too much of a good thing. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Then FU kiss you, dear Miss 
 O'Brien, {starts for Eoy. Throws her arms about 
 
14 THE ELOPERS. 
 
 Ms neck, hut as she starts to hiss Eoy he evades her 
 and rests his chin on her shoulder instead, looking 
 beyond her to Phyllis) 
 
 Eoy. There's many a lip 'twixt the cup and the 
 slip. Odd, how we missed each other, isn't it? I 
 really must be going, but I'll see you again. You'll 
 all see me again. You can't lose me ! (starts toward 
 door L. and meets policeman coming in) 
 
 Policeman. Any strange man been here? We're 
 pursuing one for murder. 
 
 Mrs. Gebard. {hornficd) Murder? Oh! 
 
 Eoy. (imitating Mrs. Gerard) Murder? — 
 oh! 
 
 Policeman. You don't mind my looking on the 
 floor above, do you? He may have escaped to the 
 roof. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. No. Look all you wish, and I hope 
 you'll catch the rascal. (Policeman exits l.) 
 
 Eoy. (hysterically) — oh, I'm so frightened. 
 Oh, chase the policeman out ! — oh, I'm afraid 
 he'll catch the murderer. And I hate murderers. 
 I've always hated them from a child. — oh ! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Be quiet, dear Miss O'Brien. 
 There's nothing going to hurt you ! 
 
 (Eoy runs to sofa, buries his head in pillows and kicks 
 out with one foot and then th'e other to express 
 fright and agitation.) 
 
 Eoy. Oh, send that policeman away ! (hysterical 
 utterances ad lib) 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (who has been watching Eoy in- 
 tently, suddenly extends an accusing finger) Miss 
 O'Brien, you have on pants ! 
 
 Phyllis, (agitatedly) No, he hasn't. She al- 
 ways wears those in an air-ship. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. And boots ! 
 
 Phyllis. Because she's a suffragette! Suffra- 
 
THE ELOPERS. 15 
 
 gettes do so much kicking they HAVE to wear boots. 
 Don^t you see? 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. I don't believe it ! (grabs Eoy by 
 chin and turns Ms face toward her) Look at me— - 
 look at me, I say. You need a shave ! 
 
 Eoy. I've had two close shaves already to-day. 
 Here goes for another one. (pidls aivay from Mrs. 
 Gerard and rushes out of door l., holding shirts high 
 as he runs) 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. He's a"wolf in sheep's clothing ! I 
 mean a man in woman's clothing ! He's the mur- 
 derer ! I'll call the policeman, (shouts) Police ! 
 police ! 
 
 Phyllis. Stop that, step-ma! (grabs her to 
 prevent her running to the door) 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. I won'jt stop. Police ! 
 
 Phyllis. (struggling unth he?') But, Miss 
 O'Brien is such a perfect gentleman ! I used to know 
 him — her — at school ! And he — she — didn't murder 
 anybody! She only went into the saloon to get a 
 free lunch. The policeman made a mistake ! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Let me go! 
 
 Phyllis, (points toward Mrs. Gerard's feet as 
 she moves away from her) — — Oh ! Look at 
 that mouse ! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (jumps high and shrieTcs) Where? 
 
 Phyllis. It ran right under your skirts! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. — Oh — Eee ! (jumps on sofa, 
 sJcirts clutched in hands) Take the awful little ani- 
 mal away ! Drive it out ! Police ! 
 
 Policeman, (enters excitedly) Who called me? 
 Have you seen him? 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (standing on sofa, sJcirts about 
 her) Yes, he's been here ! 
 
 Phyllis. (breaMng in) Pan under her skirts! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (shudders and draws skirts around 
 her) Oh ! 
 
 Phyllis, (explains emphatically to Policeman) 
 That's why she's on the sofa. 
 
16 THE ELOPEES. 
 
 Policeman. WHAT ran? 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. The murderer ! 
 
 Phyllis. She means the mouse, (points ex- 
 citedly, with a shrieli-) He's under the sofa now! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Oh ! {grabs skirts) Kill him — 
 then I can talk ! 
 
 Phyllis, (to Policeman) Mice drive her crazy! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (making great effort at self pos- 
 session ) The murderer was here — he ran 
 
 Phyllis. Pan out the window and down the fire- 
 escape. 
 
 Policeman. What ? 
 
 Mrs. GerzIrd. The mouse. 
 
 Phyllis. No, the murderer ! 
 
 Policeman. Why didn't you say so in the first 
 place? (dives through the windoiv, and exits down 
 fire-escape) 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. No, no, come back ! 
 
 Phyllis, (points as if frantic with fear) There 
 he goes up the leg of that sofa ! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (bounces off and gets to other side 
 of room) Oh! Oh! Wliere? 
 
 Phyllis, (quietly) Nowhere. I fooled you to 
 give Miss O'Brien a chance to escape. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. You deceitful little wretch! I'll 
 go down the fire-escape and tell the policeman you 
 fooled him. 
 
 Phyllis. You can't catch him now. He's half 
 way up the block. 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. Then I'll 'phone to the station, and 
 give a full description of the murderer's disguise. 
 You can't get the better of me ! 
 
 Phyllis, (in deep consternation) Oh, I'd for- 
 gotten the telephone ! Oh, step-ma, you mustn't use 
 the ^phone. Oh, SAY you won't use it. You'll re- 
 gret it all your life if you do. You want me to 
 marry Mr. De Puyster, don't you ? 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. AVhat's Mr. De Puyster got to do 
 with this ? 
 
THE ELOPEES. 17 
 
 Phyllis. Nothing. I mean — everything! If 
 you don't call np the police — I'll not oppose that mar- 
 riage ceremony any more. I'll stay right in this 
 room, and take it when it comes ! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (melting) Sweet child! Under 
 the circumstances, then, I'll NOT call up the police. 
 They'll be sure to capture him anyway. And I al- 
 ways knew you'd look sensibly at the idea of marrying 
 Mr. De Puyster when you had time to think it over. 
 (starts to kiss Phyllis) 
 
 Phyllis. Don't kiss me. My mouth is full of 
 pins! 
 
 (WJiistle at speahing tube in wall.) 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (goes to tube and listens for a mo- 
 ment, then speaks in honied accents) Oh, are they? 
 Well, I'll be down at once, (to Phyllis) Dear, 
 isn't it lovely? The wedding guests are already be- 
 ginning to arrive. And the orchestra has telephoned 
 up to ask whether I prefer Waltz Me Around Again 
 Willie, or The Dead March from Saul as an opening 
 number. So, hurry and put on your veil, sweet child. 
 We'll rush the ceremony through, and get it off our 
 minds. I'll come back for you myself. (exits 
 door L.) 
 
 Phyllis, (talks to her own reflection in mirror on 
 wall L. as she puts on veil) So, you poor miserable 
 draggled-out jelly fish, you're going to marry Mr. 
 De Puyster after all ! You can squirm and wiggle as 
 much as you like they've got you speared. But, at 
 least I needn't make him a good wife! (arranges 
 veil and wedding wreath) I WON'T make him a 
 good wife. I'll be a perfect fiend ! I never thought 
 I could be a perfect fiend, but when a jelly fish has a 
 broken heart, and loves a Miss O'Brien who's going 
 to be hanged for murder — it develops her. Ouch, 
 that pin ! 
 
18 THE ELOPERS. 
 
 EoY. (cautiously enters through window hack) 
 Phyllis ! 
 
 Phyllis, {rapturously) Miss O'Brien! They 
 didn't get you? 
 
 EoY. (entering. Disguise removed) No, they 
 got him — the real murderer. And now I'm free to 
 do what I like. You're not going to marry that flat- 
 footed shark, little girl, you're going to marry me! 
 Fve got the license ! And my Uncle — the minister 
 on the next block, is just waiting to tie the knot. 
 Come on. 
 
 Phyllis. Oh, how lovely ! Oh, isn't it simply 
 dreadful that I can't ! 
 
 EoY. But you can. Fll carry you down the fire- 
 escape in my arms. I've got it all planned out. 
 
 Phyllis. But, I can't, I say. 
 
 EoY. And the more frightened you are, the closer 
 you'll cling around my neck. 
 
 Phyllis. Oh, I'd cling, all right. As a dinger I 
 have few equals and no superiors. But it's a ques- 
 tion of honor. I promised my step-ma on my dying 
 bed, I mean on my shaking knees, that if she didn't 
 set the police on your trail, I'd remain right in this 
 room, until she came to take me down to marry De 
 Puyster. 
 
 EoY. (disconcerted) By Jupiter — that's a facer! 
 But, there ought to be some way out of it. There is ! 
 
 Phyllis, (eagerly) Some way out? That's too 
 good to be true ! 
 
 Roy. (rushes to table l. c, and takes up 'phone) 
 Hello ! Give me 3336 Eiver. 
 
 Phyllis. Eiver? Why, are you going to drown 
 me? 
 
 EoY. No. I'm going to put that wedding in soak. 
 (over 'phone) Hello! Is that you, Uncle? Well, 
 I can't bring the little girl with me. She's afraid of 
 her Step-Ma! 
 
 Phyllis. I should say I was ! I seem to hear her 
 coming now ! 
 
THE ELOPERS. 19 
 
 EoY. Bolt the door! (Phyllis springs to door 
 and holts it) It's all right, Uncle. Both here ready 
 (to Phyllis) Stand here beside me! 
 
 Phyllis. (dumfounded) Eh — what are you 
 going to do? 
 
 Roy. Get married over the 'phone. Perfectly 
 legal. Couple married like that in South Africa the 
 other day. (over 'pJione) Go on, Uncle. 
 
 Phyllis. No, wait a minute. Uncle. 
 
 Roy. ^"0, wait a minute. Uncle, (to Phyllis) 
 What's wrong? 
 
 Phyllis. I won't be married standing up. We've 
 got to kneel. 
 
 Roy. (yells over 'phone) She's got to kneel! 
 
 (Phyllis rushes and brings hrohen chair to table. 
 Points to his chair.) 
 
 Phyllis. You kneel too. 
 
 Roy. (yelling tlirough 'phone) And me too ! 
 (hneels on his chair) Ouch! A black and blue spot 
 from that fire-escape ! 
 
 Phyllis, (who is vainly trying to find comfort- 
 able place on her chair) Oh ! This chair is broken ! 
 It won't hold me! 
 
 Roy. Never mind that! Kneel on one foot and 
 stand on the other. Fire away, Uncle! (to 
 Phyllis) You can hear what he says, can't you? 
 
 Phyllis. I hear same man asking to be connected 
 with the Brewery. 
 
 Roy. (furiously, over 'phone) Get off the wire ! 
 
 Phyllis. (yelh) We're not getting drunk. 
 We're getting married ! 
 
 Roy. (over 'phone) Well, your sympathy isn't 
 required. Get off, I say. Get on. Uncle. 
 
 Mes. Geeaed. (outside) Phyllis? 
 
 Phyllis. There's Step-Ma! Oh, wait, Uncle! 
 
 Roy. Why do you want to wait? So De Puyster 
 
20 THE ELOPERS. 
 
 can come in and carry you off? Don't wait, Uncle! 
 Get a move on yon ! Hurry up ! 
 
 Phyllis, (shouting) In just a minute Pll be 
 ready, Step-Ma ! Oh, Eoy, I forgot to ask you. Is 
 my veil on straight? 
 
 EoY. Sh ! Listen to him ! 
 
 (Both listen intently at 'phone.) 
 
 Phyllis. He's talking through his nose ! 
 
 PoY. He's talking through his hat. But I don't 
 care, just so it marries us. (loudly) Yes, Uncle, I 
 do. Swallow it all. Haven't had time to think it 
 over; maybe it's a good thing I haven't. I do, I say, 
 I do. N'ow it's your turn. 
 
 (Phyllis talces receiver. A loud l-noch at door.) 
 
 Phyllis. I do. I do. Yes, I'll obey him if lie 
 obeys me. (to Roy) He says we're to join hands. 
 (they do so) 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (outside) Why, you've locked the 
 door; and Mr De Puyster's here! 
 
 Phyllis. Be still, Step-Ma ! He's pronouncing ! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. I'll break it down. 
 
 Roy. (loudly) Breakaway! (over 'phone) ^o, 
 not you. Uncle. Sh ! 
 
 (Roy and Phyllis listen intently, then fall into each 
 other's arms.) 
 
 It's done ! You're mine, I'm yours, and Niagara 
 Palls for the honeymoon ! 
 
 Mrs. Gerard. (tlirotving herself against door, 
 hreahing it open, and mshing into the room. Shriek- 
 ing) Wliat does this mean? 
 
 Phyllis. It means I've married Miss O'Brien ! 
 
 (Music of wedding-march heard off L.) 
 
THE ELOPERS. 21 
 
 Roy. Yes. We're married. Whaf are you going 
 to do about it? 
 
 {Takes Phyllis on his arm, they start to march off 
 L., keeping time to the music.) 
 
 Mrs. Gerard, (stands r. Shrieks frantically) 
 Do ? rm going to call the Police ! (rushes to 'phone, 
 takes up receiver, sits violently in broken chair and 
 disappears through it, making frantic efforts to ex- 
 tricate herself as Phyllis and Roy exit L., and cur- 
 tain falls) 
 
 CURTAIN". 
 
OCT 22 m^ 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 014 212 031 8 f