PS LIBRARY^^CONGRESa Shelf. UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. A Comedy in 4 Acts, AUGUSTIN DALY. AS ACTED AT DALY'S THEATRE, FOR THE FIRST TIME, NOVEMBER 25th, 1882. NEW YORK: PRINTED, AS lIANUSCRIPT ONLY, FOR THE AUTHOR. 1884. DRAMATIS PERSONiE AND ORIGINAL CAgT. PAUL SPENCER, A Young New Yorker, who has migrated to the enterprising township of Cutty Corners, for the Hunt- ing Season Mk. John Drew ELIDA SPENCER, his Wife, entertaining a few city friends in the country for the first time Miss Virginia Dreher DIGBY De RIGBY, their English friend, who finds himself, singularly enough, to be an unexpected guest . Mr. James Lewis WIRT LAURENS, who has been invited to "come up and shoot" Mr. Yorke Stephens MERRYL LAURENS, his Wife, with the most inattentive hus- band in the world Miss Helen Leyton FREDERIC FLUTTERBY, Mixture of the Honeybee and Butterfly Mr. Clement Bainbridge MRS. CORNELIA PARTRADGE, an amiable old lady, who possesses two pretty nieces, who is no sooner comfortably relieved of one by Hymen, than the otlier makes things lively for her Mrs. G. H. Gilbert BARBIE VAUGHN, the other niece, destined to complete a conquest begun by her sister Miss Ada Rehan ALONZO GROOBIE, Pharmaceutist of Cutty Corners, Mr. E. T. Webber TRIPHENA GROOBIE, his Wife, and leader of the ton in Cutty Corners Miss May Sylvie THEOBALD BLUM, Clerk at Groobie's Pharmacy, Mr. William Gilbert JACKSON, Farmer on Spencer's place, with an aversion to Pill- grinders Mr. Webber MIMA JACKSON, the Farmer's Daughter, and fatal to the peace of Theobald Miss May Fielding UNCLE SPENCER, who is ruthlessly sacrificed to the Spirit of Hospitality Mr. Charles Fisher JOHN, the Butler . . . . ^ r Mr. Sterling NAP, the Help [• at spencer's \ Mr. Beekman SARAH, Housemaid ... J i- Miss Hapgood THE TIME— The Present. THE PLACE— Cutty Corners, in Northern New York. THE SCENE— Reception Hall and General Room at Spencer's Country House. Copyright, 1882, By Augustin Daly. . ACT I. Scene — General hall in Paul Spencer's country house, at Cutty Corners, Northern New York. Everything of a light, airy, summery character, quite of the decorative order, however. at c. a stairway leads up straight, and then to an upper door, in B. Jlat. R. of stairs, in back xoainscotting , a closet. Two doors at r. betiveen which is a mantle-piece. Arch at k. u. e. L. of c. is a vestibule with double doors at back, opening in upon the stage. L. of vestibule, at back, a window, with a view of lawn and country beyond. At L. H. a door and window, between which is a cabinet. L. u. E. a large semi-circular arch ivith broad steps, leading to a library. The curtain rises to a lively air, discovering Nap and John bring- ing a sofa down stairs, directed by Sarah. Nap. Golly, this sofia heavy. Whar de sofia to go, Miss Sarey ? Sarah. [^Pointing down L.] Down there. Don't back into those vases! Mind the chair! Look out for that pedestal ! Oh dear, dear, the clumsiness of these creatures! Nap. [^Crosses to R., iviping his forehead.^ It's wuss dan makin hay when de sun shines. John, [l.] Shall I bring in the step ladder for the curtains? Sarah. [Back of sofa.li No, Miss Mima will attend to that. My lady farmer's daughter orders things just as she wants 'em, in this house. But I suppose, as it's Mrs. Spencer's first summer at country housekeeping, she's glad of any help she can get. John. [Down c] Well, we mustn't be too hard on a bride. Oh ! Here she is. . LiDA Spencer and Mima eiiter, r. 2 d. Lida. There, I leave all that for you. You do everything so well. Mima. [Handing some lace curtains to Sarah.'] Here, take these up to the pink room. [Sarah goes upstairs.'] Nap, you 4 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. get the steps. John, you help him, quick! quick! \_Tliey all scamper off.'\ Sarah. [ On the stairs.'] One would think she was the lady of the house, with them airs. l_Exits r. c, upstairs.'] Lid. {Going to cabinet, I..] We never shall have everything ready. ^Taking out silver.] The mote we do, the more I find we have forgotten. Mhn. Oh, we'll be ready. {^Arranging vxantle.] In ten min- utes you can sit down in comfort, and wait for the folks to come. Lid. I shan't sit down once in comfort, till they're gone. Mim. Talking of comfort, we do want a sofa dreadfully for that room. \_Pointing off, R. 1 E.] Lid. \_Forward.] We havn't got a sofa, so that's off my mind. Mim. I know of one — uncle's — up in the library. Lid. Mr. Spencer's uncle? I wouldn't dare to ask him. Mhn. I would. He can only say no. Lid. [Suddenly.] Hush! \_Listens.] Somebody coming up the walk. Mim. [Listening, up to window.] I think I hear two bodies. Lid. It can't be callers. That would be dreadful just now, when we're expecting a house full of people. 3Ilm. It would be like these stupid country folks ! Lid. It can't be any of our friends — the train's not in. 3Iim. No — I'm betting on villagers. Gkoobie and Mrs. Groobie oidside, l. c, visiting costume; loud country effect. Mim. and Lid. are at l. 3Iim. [Peeping.] It is — Lid. Who ? [Mrs. G. j^ulls door bell, at vestibule outside.] Mim. The Groobie's. Lid. The what? Mim. Groobie's — keep the drug store. Lid. Oh, horrors ! Mim. You run away. I'll get rid of them. Lid. No, we must be polite to the village people. I'll call Mr. Spencer. [Darts oxd, R. 2 D. Bell.] Nap appears, l. u. e., to answer bell, opens vestibide door, L. C, and admits Mr. arid Mrs. Groobie. J/tm. And I'll disappear. [Darts upstairs, R. c] Nap. [l., to Mrs. Groobie^ Yes, 'm. What name, ma'am ? Mrs. Groobie. [ With dignity to Groobie^ A card, Alonzo ! Groobie. [r., lank, spectacled, ill at ease, badly-fitting clothes.] Yes, my love. There ! [Hands card to Nap.] Are you quite well ? [ Crosses to c] OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 5 Nap. Well, just so so, sah. Gr. You don't look well. You are pale. [CVu?.§e,s ^o r.] Nap. Golly Mass' Groobie, when I git pale, I'se done for. Mrs. G. [c] Don't detain the man. [Sees the card.l Heavens, what on earth have you done, Alonzo! A business card with a list of your drugs ! Do you want to sicken the people at the very first? [Snatches the card from Nap.'] Gr. [r.] Drugs are to cure people, my love, not to sicken them. However ! [Takes the card back and searches his pockets.'] I guess I forgot the others. Mrs. G. Alonzo, this is dreadful ! Our first call and no cards ! Gr.^ Well, that ain't the only dreadful thing about it. [Still searching.] My boots are so tight, they draw tears to my eyes. Mrs. G. Don't keep .the man waiting. Gr. [To Nap.] All right, you know us. Trot along. 3frs. G. [With dignity.] Say that Mr. and Mrs. Groobie have called. Nap. [l.] Yes, 'm, I know the name. [Aside, crossing up to c] De paregoric and the gum drop store. [Exits, r. 2 d.] Mrs. G. Sit down, Alonzo. Don't stand there like a scare- crow. [Sits L.] Gr. I feel like one every time I put on these clothes. I say, you forgot to let the coat out under the arms. I told you last Sunday, in church, it was too tight ; I couldn't get a wink of sleep. [Sits.] Mrs. G. [ On sofa, L.] Don't perch on the edge of the seat. Gr. If I sit back, something will split when I get up, — and I can ease my boots this way. Mrs. G. [Savagely.] I declare you are the most— [Rising and siveetly to Lida, ivho enters, R. 2 D.] Ah, my dear Mrs. Spencer, how delighted I am to find you at home; we took the opportunity of paying our respects. [Stops sho7±] Spencer enters, folloxved by Nap, r. 2 d., Nap exits, l. c. TAda. Mr. Spencer, Mr. and Mrs. Groobie ; our neighbors, Paul! " Spencer, [r. c, shakes hands with Groobie.] How do you do ? [Boivs to Mrs. G.] Happy to see you. Lid. [Going to sofa.] I'm sorry you find us in some dis- order. We are expecting company by the train, and this is my first summer housekeeping. So we are full of preparation. Gr. [Rising.] Then I guess we'd better be going. b OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. Lid. Pray, don't, Mr. Groobie. I should be very sorry. Mrs. G. \_Cheerfully and sweetly.'] Sit down, Alonzo, dear. You mustn't guess things, darling. [To Lid^ There's nothing he hates so much as paying visits. But I know what expecting company is. It's just one run for days before, and nobody to help. My husband never helps a bit, Alonzo, I'm sure Mr. Spencer don't leave everything to his wife, as you do. Sp. [r.] Oh, I assure you I'm much worse than Mr. Groo- bie. Gr. There, Triphena ! Mrs. G. \_Speaks with frequent pauses in hopes that Lid. will talk.] I don't believe a word of it. What a pretty place you've made of this old rookery. [^Fause.'] Just like our house. All the new style. IPause.] Teagreen walls — ebony mouldings — mahogany — [pause'] — all except Groobie's study, that's drab, be- . cause he smokes so much — [pause.] Nasty habit, but I'll cure him. [Pause.] Does your husband smoke ? Lid. Yes. [ Trying to hide her impatience.] Mrs. G. [Same business as above.] Of course,. I like the smell of a good cigar, but Groobie smokes a pipe. [Pause.] We haven't given our hoysewarming yet. [Pause.] I'm glad of it, since you've come to stay all summer. [Pause.] But mercy on me, I'm talking away, and you are busy. We must take our leave. [All rise.] f Lid. [Aside, gets L.] Thank goodness. iSp. [To Gr., getting c] Do you shoot? Gr. Shoot? Shoot what? Sp. I mean, are you much of a sportsman ? Mrs. G. Of course you are, Alonzo. Didn't I work a game bag for you ? Gr. Oh, yes. [To Sp., aside.] A game bag with yellow ground, and red birds flying away from a green pointer ! How do you think the game would like that bag ? 3Irs. G. [To Sp.] He Vs a sportsman. Sp. I'm glad to hear that. We shoot to-morrow and next day — start at night, so as to be on the spot bright and early. I shall be glad to have you with us. Lid. [To Mrs. G.] We dine after their return — so, if you will help me to receive the weary hunters after their day's sport — Mrs. G. [Sitting. All sit, rapturously.] With pleasure. Alonzo, you can trust young Blum in the shop all day, can't you ? Gr. It's risky. [To Sp.] I never saw a man handle deadly poisons like that young chap, and so overconfident ! He weighs OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 7 out drugs, as if he were serving sugar, and a couple of lumps made no difference. 3frs. G. [Snappishly.'] Well, it don't. [To Lid.'] I must ask you, as you're just from the city — it just reminds me — [confi- dentially]— how do they dress for a shooting dinner? High neck or decollete. Lid: Oh, very plainly. Airs'. G. I'm sorry for that. Low neck becomes me so! What a bother dressing is, isn't it ? Lid. It is, particularly when you expect a train every minute, and havn't begun yet. Mrs. G. I declare, we must go, [Rises — all rise and shake hands.] But I'm so glad to have found you at home. There, I forgot the chief thing. [Sits—ihey all sit] You must give me your advice. Of course we call on you, because Mr. Spencer's people always had a place here, and you will come every summer ; so you— so to speak — are one of us. But there are some people, who took cottages only for the season, and seem very nice. Now, 4 ought we to call ? Mr. Groobie, as it were, represents the vil- lage; everybody looks up to him — he knows, you see, pretty much all their complaints, and, if the village ought to recognize these people, we must lead the way. Gr. [Looks at watch — rises.] My dear, we are really detain- ing our fi'iends. Mrs. G. [Rises— all rise.] Then I won't say another word. [To Lid., affectionately.] We'll talk it over quietly, to-morrow. Come, Alonzo Gr. [Shaking hands with Sp.] All right, my dear. Mrs. G. [Returning, in confidence to Lid., and bringing her fro7it.] Isn't Groobie a model ? [Sp. sits, Gr. goes up angrily.] Your husband seems just as obedient. But that's the Avay for young wives : train your husband the first year, or you'll never do it. Now, Alouzo. [Rises.] Gr. Are you quite sure you're going ? Mrs. G. Oh, quite. Good-bye, Mr. Spencer. [Crossing from one to the other, dodges to get by.] Good-bye, Mrs. Spencer. [Shakes hands.] Sp. and Lid. Good-bye. 3frs. G. [Volubly, as' all go to door, c] Noav don't come to the door. We know you must be in a great hurry. Trains don't stop for any one — and when the train's in, the people are right on top of you. I tell Mr. Groobie that trains are like death. They come" when you don't want them, and they're awful slow when you're waiting. Now don't come one step further. Alonzo, dear, your arm. Good-bye. [E.veunt Gr. and ]Mrs. G. Sp. and Lid. throw themselves into opposite chairs^ 8 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. Sp. Whew ! Mrs. Groobie returns. They rise. Mrs. Groobie. So silly of me, I left my parasol. Oh, here it is. A birthday present from Groobie. I would not lose it for the world. " Groobie returning, in doorway. Groobie. My dear — Mrs. G. [Sp. thinking to shake hands with her, takes hold of her parasol, as they turn up stage^ Coming, love. Good-bye, again, good-bye ! lExils, c. l.] Sp. {^Crofsing to Lid., who sits discotisolate.'] Don't look so distressed. It's all over. [Holds her head up, standing behind her, and bends down to kiss her.^ Lid. \_Disengaging, crosses R.] Some one's coming. 3Iivi. [Peeping over the bannisters, r.] Here's Uncle Joyce ; now for his sofa. [Comes down.'\ Sp. You're not going to rob the old gentleman ? Lid. It's not my doing. Mima's the conspirator. [Exit, R. 2 D. MrM. rims doivn, looks about her, sees line's hat on table, R., and drops it behind stairs, then hides behind staircase.^ Mim. Now for him. Uncle Joyce Spencer enters down stairs, r. c. Sjy. [Aside to J/m.] Now don't impose on him, mind ! I won't have it. [Exits, r. 2 d.] Mim. [ Watching Unc, ivho rummages about, searching, asideJ] He seems in a very bad humor. [Aloud.'] Are you looking for anything in particular, sir? [Coming down.] Uncle. [Pv.] Am I looking for anything in particular? Do I look as if 1 were looking for nothing in particular? I'm trying to find my hat. I could solemnly swear I put it down here. [Looks.] Mim. No wonder it got lost. Unc. What's that ? Mim. [Gets hat from behind stairs.] I've got it. [Hides it behind her as she approaches him.] What will you give me for it? Unc. [r.] Come, come, no nonsense. Give me my hat. Mim. You must promise what I ask. Unc. Mima, you're too big to play spoiled child any longer. OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 9 3Iim. What a fuss about an old hat! Didn't I say I'd give it, if you gave me something in return ? And besides, who spoiled me ? Didn't papa tell you a hundred times I'd never grow up to be any good, if you didn't teach me to keep my place — and didn't you take me on your lap and tell him he couldn't appre- ciate such a creature? Unc. How the toad remembers ! 3Iim. But he does appreciate me, and I'm going home with him, and I'll never set foot in this house again, \_Going c] Unc. Will you kindly leave my hat behind ? Mim. I cannot. I said I'd give it on one condition. line. In the name of goodness, why don't you say what you want, then ? Mim. I'm waiting to be asked. Please recollect you havn't asked me yet. \_Comes down, puts his hat on his head, arranging it on his head, going tip and down to adjust it.'\ I'm as reason- able as anybody, when people talk reason. There ! that will do. [ Crosses to R.] Now you are beginning to smile. How a smile becomes that hat! It isn't a hat to get mad under! Now, can I have your sofa ? Unc. [l.] My sofa ! 3Iim. Yes, your sofa, out of the library — to put in there {^Points R.] for company. Unc. Well, upon my word ! 3Iim. Upon your word ! All right. Mind, I've got your word on it. Remember your promise. Unc. I promised nothing. 3Iim. Give me back the hat, then. [Tries to get at it. He takes her /mnds.] Unc. You shall have the sofa. It was not necessary to resort to stratagem. My nephew's friends are welcome to all I possess. Mini. Humbug ! Unc. How dare you ? Mim. You know you do it all for my sake. I'm too big to sit on your knee, but you may kiss me. [Unc. does so. She curt- sies.'] Thank you. You'll miss the sofa very much. Unc. [Stage l.] Never ! Don't mention it. [ With a grimace.] Mim. It was very comfortable as a sofa, but as a good action, it will make you more comfortable still. [E.xits, L. u. E.] Unc. The spoiled pixie. [Going up.] Spencer enters, r. 2 e. Spencer. Going out, uncle ? How about your siesta f Unc, How the dickens can a man sleep in a house upside 10 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. down ? I'll take a trot outdoors, and come back prepared to give up my bed, and sleep in a hammock. lExlts, c] Sp. \_Callmg after him.'] Don't be long. Train's overdue now. LiDA enters, dressed, r. 2 d. Lida. Oh, you're there. Where did Mima go ? Mima enters from library, meeting Nap and John froin l. c. Mima.' This way. [Qo stage.] This way. \^They ascend steps to library.'] We'll have it here in a minute. Lid. Poor uncle ! 3fim. We had a battle. I won it, and now I'm going for the spoils. \_Exits, L. u. E., with Nap and John.] Sp. [^Puts his arms around Lida's waist.] Now, everything is in order, take a moment's comfort. Lid. I can't. I'm not nearly through. There's somebody coming. \_Crosses to l.] Sp. [^Holding her.] No, there's not. I'm not nearly through, either. ■* Lid. Now, what do you want ? Sp. First — only a kiss. Lid. I havn't a moment's time. ' Sp. Very well. Take your time. I can wait. Jackson api^ears at l. c. Lid. There is somebody. \_Breahs away, crosses to R.] Good afternoon, Jackson. [To Sp.] I told you. \_Exits, R. 2 d.] Jackson. Good afternoon. Sp. Oh, Jackson. I sent for you to ask whether you found any partridges yesterday. Jack. Plenty, sir. Woods full of 'em. Sp. We shall have lots of company, and they'll want the best sport we can give them. Jack. We can give them something first-rate, sir. S]). You remember Mr. Laurens. He went out with us last year. Jack. Oh, he was a good one. I'll be bound he's come for fun. We made a good bag with him, sir. Lida re-enters, r. 2 d., as Mima re-appears l. u. e., followed by John and Nap, carrying lounge, which they take off, r. 1 E. Return and exeunt L. c. OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 11 Lida. Your daughter is really invaluable, Jackson. She takes all the trouble off my hands. Jack, [l.] Well, she's been treated pretty well up here, ma'am, and she ought to do something for it. But I guess I'll have to take her home a bit, for to keep house for me. Zdd. [r.] I can give her an excellent character as house- keeper. Mima. [^Returns from seeing sofa off, k. 1 e., jjots Jack's cheek.'] You dear old papa. Jack. Behave yourself. I'm busy now. Sp. Have Peter and one or two boys ready at five to-morrow, Jackson. Ho^v is Juno ? Got over her trouble ? Jack. Famous, sir, and wild for the birds. Is that all, sir? Sp. • That's all, Jackson. Jack. Now, come along, you baggage. Step out — one — two — one — two. Mim. One — two — one — two. [Exeunt, laughing and keeping step, R. u. E.] Sp. Now, have you a moment to attend to your poor hus- band? Lid. [r.] Paul, you know I never neglect you, but so many people are coming. Sp. If I had thought of giving you so much trouble, I could have invited one at a time. Lid. Oh, it's better to have them all at once, and be over with it. It would be all right, but for two things. Sp. Specify the difficulties. Lid. First — Sister Barbie. That girl has such a will of her own. Sp. Your Aunt Cornelia comes with her, and may be safely trusted to manage the young lady. Your Aunt Cornelia knows what she's about. She married you off, you know. Lid. Oh, yes, but Barbie is not the weak-minded creature that I was ! She won't take the first man that oflfers, to oblige her aunt. Sp. Ahem ! let us pass on to the second difficulty. Lid. The second difficulty is Aunt Cornelia herself. I'm afraid of her. Sp. [l.] Why afraid of the harmless, necessary aunt? Lid. You men can't understand. A young housekeeper of only a year's experience stands in dread of these vetei'ans. She'll pick us all to pieces. Sp. Have no fear, darling, and all will be well. Lid. Don't you think I've managed everything nicely? [Goes to L. D.] This is for Mr. and Mrs. Laurens. [Bushes door oj^e/i.] 12 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. Sp. Decorated a la chinoise. Very pretty. Lid. The spare room up-stairs is for Mr. Flutterby, and these \_Goes to R. 1 E.] are for aunt and Barbie. Sp. [l.] Capitally arranged. Lid. [ CVo.*ses to l.] And that takes up every corner of the house. If a mouse were to pay us a visit, we havu't a cupboard to put him into. Sp. I say, what if our friend De Rigby were to pop in on us ? Lid. Mr. De Rigby ! Heavens ! you don't expect him ? I thought he wasn't coming ! Sp. I suppose not, but he didn't give me a positive answer, when I asked him down for the shooting. We don't know what may happen. Lid. \_Resohitely.'] If he comes, I give up. I shan't know what on earth to do ! Sp. Poor fellow ! He was very fond of you — before our marriage, you know. Lid. But think of our predicament! Why, I had to give my dressing-room to Aunt Cornelia. S}). Oh, a man can be stowed anywhere — on a billiard table. Lid. But, my love, we havn't another bed ! Would you like me to sleep in a trunk ? Sp. [r.] I was only joking. Rigby certainly won't come, without letting us know. Lid. I declare you frightened me. I sincerely trust he's safely back in England before this. {^Crosses to R.] Sp. At this moment he is probably at the sea-side, making love to some fair mermaid, and just as I found him making love to you at Brighton, when I carried you off before his very eyes. You know, making love is his weakness. It's the standing joke against him. Nap enters quickly, smiling all over, l. c. Nap. Golly, Mass Spencer — He's just a drivin' up, sah! Spj. Who's just driving up? Nap. Mr. De Rigby. Lid. {^Sinks in chair, R.] Oh, heavens ! Sp. Go down to the gate, and bring up his luggage. Nap. Yes, sah ! Golly, I'se glad Mass Rigby come ! [^Exits, L. c] Lid. \_Anxiously, starting vp."] AVhat on earth shall we do ? Sp. It's awful, but it can't be helped. Migby. \_Outside.'\ All right, Nap. Lid. There he is. [^Runs out, R. 2 d.] OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 13 RiGBY enters, followed by Nap, carrying gun-case, valise and hat-box, L. c, Bigby. Here I am, old boy ! What do you say to this, for a surprise ? Sp. [r., shaking his hand warmly.'] I'm glad to see you. Hig. Didn't write purposely. Wanted to spring it upon you. Sp. You have sprung it admirably. Big. I'm glad to hear it. Would have come to see you long ago, old fellow, but couldn't manage to get off for longer than a day. Now I've got two weeks at least, and can settle down com- fortably with you — that is, if it's no inconvenience. Sp. [ Glancing after his tvife.'] Not in the least. Make your- self at home. Big. Thank you. [Takes off hat, gloves, etc.] Nap. Whar shall I put de things, sah ? Sp. Hm ! ask Mrs. Spencer. Nap. She told me to ax you, sah. Sp. ^Confused.] Well, put them down for the present. Nap. Yes, sah — dey is dere already, sah ! [Exits, c. L.] Big. [Looks round.] Nice place. Capital arrangements. Sp. [r.] Yes, the house is unfortunately rather small. It's all on this floor, except a couple of attic closets up-stairs. Big. What of that ? Old friends don't mind a little cramp- ing; so, if it's all the same, I'll take my attic at once. [Goes to glass.] Beastly driving over here. Jolly nasty climate you've got ! Which way do I go ? [ Crosses to r.] Sp. Well — ah — wait and see Mrs. Spencer before you go — to — your room. Big. [Surveys himself.] I'd rather make up a bit before I meet her. I'm a little ruffled. Got out at the wrong station, and had to drive over in a wagon. Roads were damnable, as the theologians say. By the way, old fellow, I had quite an ad- venture. Sp. Indeed ! Was she pretty ? You're as soft as ever. Big. Not soft at all. If you had seen her foot ! It was the first glimpse I had of her, as she got off the train — then her walk! Not a vulgar, solid, fiemale tramp, but a floating — a skimming — an undulating — Sp. [c] Yes, yes, I know ! Big. [r.] And that foot and walk belonged to a creature ! I — I never beheld anything so perfect! Oh, my dear fellow, she was a corker! What a woman — tall, slender, distingiue — how shall I describe her? I tell you, a being produced by nature re- gardless of cost. [Crosses to\.] 14 OUK ENGLISH FRIEND. Sp. Poor fellow ! Same Digby de Rigby ! Rig. Ko. I no longer fall in love with every pretty face. I have, however, acquired a true sense of the really beautilul. Sp. Same thing. Rig. [Sits on sofa, l.] To return to my adventure. I was absorbed in contemplation of her form and movements, when suddenly she raised her veil ! Sp. That settled you. Rig. To use a cant expression — I was " off." Sp. Describe her matchless features ! Rig. She was a blonde. You know, I have a weakness for blondes. When she finally moved away — Sp. You followed. Rig. No, I was insensibly drawn after. Sp. Same thing, same result. Rig. I had the good fortune to pick up her satchel. She thanked me. I dexterously opened — Sp. The satchel? Rig. A conversation. She talked with greatest readiness. Not a bit of diffidence. Wonderful, you know. I secured her a seat in waiting room— brought her a cup of tea — received the sweetest of thanks, and began to walk in the cloudsv Sp. [r.] Your favorite walk. Rig. In the midst of my happiness, another party interposed. A threatening, fiery female bore down upon us — the very reverse of the pretty little craft I had spoken. In fact, as the mariners say, a perfect piratical old hulk. Sp. [r.] I suppose you mean by that, a respectable, well-be- haved, elderly lady, with no nonsense about her. Rig. Not a nonsense ! Of course, she thanked me for my attentions to her niece, and then engrossed the conversation. I couldn't get another word with the angel. The aunt seemed bound to find out who I was, and where I was going. I paid her ofl^ with a plumper, told her I travelled for a champagne house — Due de Montebello — and was drumming the neighborhood. Sp. Very neat and ready. Did she swallow it ? Rig. To use an ornithological expression — like a magpie. Sp. And dropped you immediately ? Rig. To borrow a culinary illustration — like a hot potato. She whisked her niece off, at the double quick. But here I am chattering, Avhen I ought to be brushing up. Sp. [ Uneasily.'] You look very well. Rig. [Looks at his clothes.] It's a capital suit for travelling, but it won't do for the ladies. So, old fellow, if you don't mind — where is my room ? [Up stage.] Sp. [r.] Wait till Nap comes to carry your things. OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 15 Rig. No, no, I'm an old campaigner and help myself. \_Picks up ail his things and stands waiting with his eyeglass in his eye.'] Sp. {_Aside.] There's no help for it, I must give him a place somewhere. {^Aloud.] Well, if you will have it. l_Opens door, L.] Here you are. Big. l^Looks mi.] Charming ! It's really too fine ! Bouquets, flowers! Well, old fellow, this is what I call a reception! [^Shakes hands.] This is friendly ! [^Drops his hat-box. Sp. j^icks it up, and pushes him off with it. Exits, L. 1 e.] Sp. Try and make it do. {^Closes door.] Where can I pos- sibly stow him, when they put him out of that? LiDA enters, r. 2 d. Lida. I'm so glad, dear, you're alone. I've thought it all over ; you had better tell Mr. de Rigby candidly, that he can't stay. /Sp. That's impossible, my love. Uncle Joyce Spencer enters, r. c, down stairs. Uncle. Here are your guests — all at the gate. Lid. \_Nervously to Sp^ But Paul ! Sp. It would be foolish, absurd. \_Exits, L. c] Lid. \_Calls after him.] But what shall we do ? Dear, dear! \_Comes down c] Unc. [r.] What's the matter, daughter ? Lid. \_TearJully^ Paul shows such a want of consideration for my feelings ! Unc. Can't be. He adores you. Lid. Then he shouldn't be so abrupt. But you always take his part. I'm used to that. \_Crosse8 to R.] Unc. Very good ; she takes my sofa, then blows me up. We are having a good deal in one day. Spencer enters, l. c.,tvith Meryl Laurens on his arm, followed by Laurens and Flutterby, the latter carrying a lady's hat-box and shatvl. Meryl. [^Running to Lid. and kissing her.] My dear Lida ! Lid. My dear Meryl ! [^Shakes hands with Lau^ I'm so glad to see you ! [Shakes Flut.'s hand.] How do you do, Mr. Flutterby ?— Uncle— Mr. Flutterby ! Unc. [ Who has already shaken hands with the others.] Happy to make your acquintance ! \_Shakes hands.] 16 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. Flutterhj. It was so good of you to remember me ! [Lid. and Mer. converse at R., Unc. and Flut. just above them, r. Lau. comes down with Sp., l.] Laurens, [l. c] So, there's good shooting. Spencer, [l.] Saved it all for you. Lau. I've quite longed for this visit, though we've had no end of luck ourselves. Bagged two hundred woodcock last week. I've been out every day, except four rainy ones. Mer. [r., calling her husband.'] Wirt ! Lau. \_Not heeding.] My new gun is a marvel. It reminds me of that muzze-loader I used to carry — old never-fail ! 3Ier. [ Calling impatiently.] Wirt, dear ! Lau. This is the first breech-loader I ever carried, that gave me satisfaction. I know we've got to like them, and all that. 3fer. Wirt ! Flut. \_Crossi7ig to Lau.] I beg your pardon, but Mrs. Lau- rens is calling you. 3Ier. [To Flut] Thank you. Flut. Don't mention it, Lau. \_To Mer.] What is it, my darling ? 3Ier. Are you sui-e all our things were put off? Lau. Quite, darling. Nobody could overlook a trunk as big as a barn. Mer. Hadn't you better make sure? / Flut. [To 3Ier.] If you'll allow me, I'll attend to it. Lau. [Cheerfully.] You are very kind. [Turns and resumes talk with Sp.] Flut. [To Mer.] May I put your hat and shawl down here ? Mer. Oh, you havn't been holding them all this while ? Flut. [Puts hat, etc., on chair, L. c, of small table, l. hand.] It was quite a pleasure, I assure you. [Exits, c] Lid. Uncle, would you show Mr. Flutterby his room ? It's next to yours. Vnc. Is it ? I hope he don't snore. Lid. I hope not, but I don't know. Vnc. No matter, I can stuff the key-hole. [Exits upstairs, R. C] Mer. [To Lida.] It was so fortunate, Mr. Flutterby came with us. He is so attentive. If it were not for him, half my things would certainly be lost, and myself with them. My hus- band looks after nothing. Lau. [ Takes up her hat-box carefully.] Nobody was ever lost on a railroad, my darling. Lid. [Crosses to R. c] You do him injustice. See how con- scientiously he's holding your hat-box. Lau. [Explaining.] My cartridges are in it. OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 17 Mer. [^Screams and runs to him^ Your cartridges packed in with my hat ? The feathers will be ruined ! Lau. It was a good idea of mine, to keep the cartridges safe ! I knew Flutterby would take the greatest care of my wife's hat. He held the box on his knees all the time. Mer. Let me look. Lau. {^Preventing her gently.'] Excuse me. They might ex- plode, and injure the shape of the hat. I'll unpack them. 3fer. \_To Lid.] What a man he is ! Lid. Let me show you your room. This way ! {As she is going l., Sp. perceives her and suddenly exits, r. 2 D. Lid. opens door, L., and starts back.] Heavens ! Mr. De Rigby ! Mer. What's the matter ? [Retreats, l.] Lid. \_Controllhig herself.] Oh, nothing! \_Gets round to 'R.] Rigby entering from l. Righy. I have the honor to present myself in rather an unfin- ished state. My toilette is not quite accomplie, as the French have it. But as you opened the door, I deemed it my duty to appear. But I see — Lid. {Hiding her chagrin and introducing, R. c] Mr. Digby de Rigby — Mr. Laurens — Mrs. Laurens. Rig. Why, Laurens, old boy ! Mer. [To Lid.] They're old friends. Rig. Why, old fellow, come to my arms ! [Embrace tragi- comically. Lau. rattles hat-box against Rig's back, as he clasps him in his arm^.] Mer. Goodness, my hat ! Rig. [Rubbing his back.] Your hat is heavy. I suppose it's the latest thing. Felt, no doubt. I felt it. Lid. I'm so sorry to disturb you, Mr. De Rigby, but that room was intended for your friends. Rig. It was Spencer's doing. He put me there. Lid. [r.] It was a mistake. Rig. Fortunately I havn't unpacked yet. I'll surrender the position at once. Lau. [ Grosses to c] Extraordinary man. Falls in love; and into trouble, with equal ease. Our acquaintance began by my snatching him from a watery grave. When I brought him out, the billets-doux floated from his pockets, like feathers from a pillow. 18 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. RiGBY re-enters with his things. Righy. There, ladies, the coast is clear ! Nap and John enter with large trunk, c. Lid. [ Crosses to l.] In there ! [ They take trunk L. 1 E.] Lau. [^Crossing to door, l.] You see, my dear, everything 3Ier. I hope my hat is. \^Exits, L., Lau. follows.'\ Lid. [To Big.^ Will you put your things down, please, and excuse me for a moment or two ? [J.stc?e.] What shall I do with him ? [Exits, R. 2 D.] John and Nap come out and exeunt, c. Big. [Looks round, baggage in hand."] Certainly ! That's a very pretty woman, Laurens' wife. So is Spencer's. It was a good idea of mine to come down for two weeks, and I can stay longer, if I want to. Where did she mean for me to put my things? [Looks round, goes to door, R. 1 E., aiid looks m.] Empty ! This must be the place. [Exits, r. 1 e,] Spencer enters, c. Spencer. This way, Aunt Cornelia ! Mrs. Partradge enters, c. This way ! I hope you found the journey pleasant. Mrs. Partradge. Oh, very. But where 's Barbie ? '[Calling.'] Barbie, child, come along! Barbie. [Outside.] Coming, aunt! Barbie enters, c. Barbie. Coming! [Sp. goes to Bar., whom he takes by the hand.] Sp. [c] Lida will be here in a minute, to give you a sister's ■welcome. She's rather busy. We have a lot of company. Bar. That's jolly. Mrs. P. [r.] Don't say "jolly." You mean that the pros- pect is agreeable. [To Sp.] Our young ladies in Massachusetts are afflicted Avith the worst form of Anglo-mania. She's got a dreadful assortment of "jolly's" and "awful's," with I don't know how many other English importations. OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 19 Bar. [l.] I don't consider them any worse than our own Down-Eastisms. I prefer "jolly " to scrumptious any time o'day. 3frs. P. "Any time o'day!" That'll do, Miss'! [To Sp.} Whom have you got with you? Old people? Young people? Sp. Young married couple — two young gentlemen. Mrs. P. [ 0)-osses to c] My dear, you must dress at once ! Bar. \_Crosses to c, close to Sp."] Are they awfully jolly? I mean, is the prospect agreeable ? Sp. [r.] Very. Bar. [ To Mrs. P.] Then I'll wear a train at dinner. I don't want to be taken for a mere child, at the very first. 3Irs. P. [Crosses to c] You'll never be taken for anything else. Mr. Spencer, she's too tall for her years, so you musn't get a wrong impression from her talk. Sp. Oh, I won't. \_Going to h-I Lida set these rooms apart for you. {^Crossing to R. 1 E.] Mrs. P. Then come along, dear. [_Pulls open door and starts back.l Oh ! [RiG.'s arm in shirt-sleeves apj)ears, and draws the door close again.'\ Righy. [ Within.'] Good gracious ! Bar. [l.] What's the matter, aunt? Mrs. P. [ To Sp.] There's a gentleman in there ! [ To Bar.] The person we met in the cars. The Due de Montebello's sales- man. The drummer! {^Crosses to L.] Si^. Oho ! [Laughs ] That's not bad. We'll drum him out. [La^ighs.] 3frs. P. What are you laughing about ? S}^. You'll see in a moment. [Goes to door.] Rigby! Rigby. [Inside^ Yes. Sp. [Gels c] Here's a surprise for you. Bar. [To Mrs. P.] What can he mean? Mrs. P. [l.] I think I know. Bar. I see. He's been imposing on them as somebody he isn't! Mrs. P. He imposed on us as somebody he wasn't. Rigby enters from r. 1. d. ; Bar. advances to face him, hut Mrs. P. puts her aside. Righy. Now, old boy — [Sees Bar^ The angel ! [ Crosses to Sp. and sees Mrs. P.] The devil ! Sp. [l. c] Allow me, my friend, Mr. Digby de Rigby, re- cently arrived from England; de Rigby, Mrs. Partradse, my wife's aunt, her niece, Miss Vaughn, my sister-in-law. [At the introduction Rig. advances to each lady.] 20 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 4 Rig. Ladies! [J.sic?e.] I should like the ground to open and swallow me, [To Bar.~\ I had the happiness of meeting you on the train. You probably don't recall the fact. Bar. [r. c] Oh, yes — distinctly. Big. {Pleased.'] Ah! Mrs. P. Distinctly. Big. l_Disco7icerted.'\ Oh! [^Looks dejected. Mrs. P. turns away, and converses with Sp. about him.1 Bar. l^Sweetly.'] I had not forgotten your kind attentions. Big. [^Brightening.] You are very good ! Who could pos- sijbly foresee our meeting here ? I had begun to look upon the incident as one " Gone glimmering in the mist of things that were," as the poets put it. [Sp. explains to Mrs. P.] Bar. Then I propose we leave it there and begin anew. [ Gives hand.] Big. How gracefully you help me out of my difficulty! So you are not angry ? Bar. No. I look on it as a good joke. Big. You are amiability itself — as good at heart as you are love — Bar. No more jokes, now — we are acquainted ! [Goes up n.] Big. [To Sp.] Old fellow- — [Close to him.] the niece is an angel. Sp. You assured me of that before. Now, make your peace with the aunt. I wish you may find her one! [Goes to Bar., who .nts in front of the fire-place.] Big. [To Mrs. P.] Madam, I am inconsolable. What must you think of me ? [Sp. and Bar. talk.] Mrs. P. I should have preferred, for your sake, we had not met again so soon. Big. Don't say that. It affords me the opportunity of ex- plaining the little jest to a lady, whose good opinion I am anxious to gain. Mrs. P. Mr. Spencer tells me that you frequently indulge in these little jokes. He endeavored to make me understand, if I caught his idea, that no one regarded them from you, as they might from another sort of person. Big. Forbear, I beg. 3frs. P. You admit, I suppose, that there 'should be a limit to jesting with ladies. Big. There should be ! For instance, nobody would jest with you, not if he knew you ! If I had only remembered your niece's kindness in the past — not this one, but the other ; or, in fact, per- haps remembered this one, and recollected that Miss Lida, or rather Mrs. Spencer — Paul's wife in fact; that is, I say, if I had OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. 21 only remembered that she — that is, that you — \_Emphasizes the latter part of his speech by pointing on his fingers and finishes with:^ You understand? [^Dr ops his glass. ^ Bar. \_To Sp.'\ Do help him, poor fellow! He's tangling himself all up. Sp. [ Crosses to Big.l The ladies are more than disposed to forgive you, Digby, I'm sure, so let's change the subject. How did you get into that room ? Rig. I understood from your wife, that I was to go in there. Sp. There must be some mistake. The room belongs to these ladies. Big. I beg a thousand pardons. \_Botvs to them.'] Fortu- nately I've not unpacked. I'll beat a retreat at once. [^Exits, R. 1 E.] Sp. All right. [To Mrs. P.] Isn't he a good creature after all? Bar. [r.] I like him. He's awful jol — I mean the pros- pect is agreeable. 3Irs. P. [^Angrily.'] Ahem ! [l.] It does seem as if chil- dren always liked story-tellers. He actually represented himself as a travelling salesman. Sp. Well, aunt, you know you didn't take him for anything of the kind. 3Irs. P. Yes, but what could he have taken us for ? I don't like him at all ! [ Crosses to c] K.IGBY re-enters, loaded with luggage. Righy. Ladies, the apartments are yours. Sp. Allow me. \_Conducts Mrs P. to door; she bows stifily to Rig. and exits, R. 1 E.] Bar. An revoir ! [Potfs, exits r. 1 E.] Rig. [l.] I say, it was an unfortunate position. The aunt seems to have considerable acidity left. Sp. [r.] Oh, you know how to correct all that. Rig. \_Still holding his things.'] I'm afraid not. Everything has gone wrong. In the first place I cram her with that cham- pagne story, then take possession of her room ! It's fate — Kismet, as the Turks say. LiDA enters, R. 2 d., wrings her hands at sight of Rig. Sp. makes a gesture of despair to her, unperceived by Rig. Lida 7-uns ofi, c. Rig. Apropos of fate and predestination, my dear boy, where do I sleep ? It seems I'm on the wrong floor. 22 OUR ENGLISH FRIEND. Sp. The fact is, I forgot where we intend to put you. I'll ask my wife if she remembers. Big. \_Crosses to r.] I havn't succeeded in changing my coat, you know, so if you will be so kind — [Lida again looks in and disappears.'] Sp. Pardon me one moment, Lida wants me. [Exits, o.] .Hig. There he runs off. I shall certainly get left. Every- body is dressing for dinner, and I can't get a moment for my exterior. Mima enters, r. u. e. Mima. Excuse me. I'm looking for Mr. Spencer. Rig. [r.] Oh, ah! are you a — are you maid here? Mini, [l.] Some people say I'm made too much of here. Rig. Clever ! Soubrette, as they say on the stage. Now then, Susan — Mim Jemima, if you please — Mima for short. I'm the farmer's daughter. Rig. "Only a farmer's daughter?" I hope all the farmers in the neighborhood are similarly blessed. Mim. [Looking at his luggage.'] Can I help you in any way? Rig. You can, if you know which is my room. Mim. Certainly. I suppose you are Mr. Flutterby? Rig. No. I'm not Mr. Butterfly. I'm Mr. Digby de Rigby. Mim. [Shakes her head.] No Buch person. No Mr. Rigby. Rig. [r.] I beg your pardon, oh ! [Looks at labels on his luggage to see that he is the person that it belongs to.] Mim. No room for him here. I guess he's one over. Rig. [Struck.] That's it! Vmdetrop. [CTOS--