LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 00012147405 TJ BANQUET OF WIT DEDICATION TO WILLIAM J. THOMS, ESQ., F.S.A, Sir, Permit me on behalf of Mr. Gray and myfelf to dedicate to you this volume of Anec- dotes as an humble tribute of refpecl: for you as a gentleman and a fcholar ; and alfo in remem- brance of the intimate friendfhip which for fo many years fubfifted betwixt yourfelf and my father, the late Mr. James Maidment. Believe me, Sir, Your moft faithful fervant, J. J. B. Maidment, 20, Rofehall Terrace, Edinburgh, 17 July, 1882. PREFACE. ct^setiHAT the prefent age is efTentially matter of fa£t, is a truifm which does not admit of contradiction. Every- body nowadays is " educated within an inch of their lives," and, confequently, their heads being crammed with the ideas of others, it naturally follows that they have little or no room for any of their own. This fact, fupplemented by the too prevalent Mammon- worfhip which is instrumental in placing the pof- feflbr of a long purfe upon a pinnacle to which he could never have dared to afpire through the mere unaided force of his own natural intelli- gence, no doubt fatisfaclorily, or rather we mould fay unfatisfactorily, accounts for "the plentiful lack of wit," difplayed by our contemporaries, and caufes us to look back with a figh to the palmy days of our anceitors, when genuine humour was not the vara avis it has fince be- viii PREFACE. come. In this volume we have attempted to give our readers an opportunity of communing with the fpirits of departed wits, being under the impreiTion that what had interefted and amufed ourfelves might prove equally interefting and amufing to many to whom the fources upon which we have drawn were not available. Trufting that we were not incorrect in our furmife, the verdict is left hopefully with our readers by The Compilers. ' THE BANQUET OF WIT. An Irijh Interview. N Irifhman was one day bragging to his friends that the king had fpoken to him. On being afked what his majefty faid to him, he replied, " Arrah, my dear honey, he only axed me to get out of the way." An American Bull. A Philadelphia paper relates the following laughable occurrence : A prifoner at the bar of the Mayor's Court in that city being called on to I plead to an indictment for larceny, was told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man j immediately held up his left hand. " Hold up tyour right hand," faid the clerk. " Pleafe your ) b 2 THE BANQUET OF WIT. honour," faid the culprit, ftill holding up his left hand, " I am left-handed." John Scot. A pragmatical young fellow, fitting at table over againft the learned John Scot, afked him what difference there was between Scot and Sot ? " Juft the breadth of the table" anfwered the other. Funeral Sermon. A ludicrous miftake happened fome time ago at a funeral in Marylebone. The clergyman had gone on with the fervice until he came to that part which fays, " Our deceafed brother or Jijler" without knowing whether the deceafed was male or female. He turned to one of the mourners, and afked whether it was a brother or fifter ? The man very innocently replied, " No relation at all, fir, only an acquaintance." The Marriage Rights. A girl forced by her parents into a difagree- able match with an old man whom fhe detefted, when the clergyman came to that part of the fervice where the bride is afked if fhe confents t<* THE BANQUET OF WIT. 3 take the bridegroom for her hufband, faid, with great fimplicity, " Oh, deed, no, fir ; but ye are the firft perfon wha has afk'd ma opinion aboot the matter." Telling School Tales. An alehoufe girl took it into her head to be eatechifed at church. The parfon afked her what w r as her name. " La, fir," faid fhe, "how can you pretend not to know my name, when you come to our houfe fo often, and cry, ten times in an evening, c Nan, you flut, bring us another full pot, and then — .' " Journal for de week. The following paper was dropped from the pocket of a few well known upon ' Change. Sunday. — No bufinefs to be done — de Chrif- tians all out making holiday — waited at home for Levi : he never come — took a walk in St. George's Fields — put me in mind of Newgate — called dere — fupped and fmoked a pipe with Lord George Gordon — very fenfible man. Monday. — At 'Change till two — man in red coat wanted to borrow monies — did not like his looks — in de afternoon called in St. James' Street 4 THE BANQUET OF WIT. — not at home — very bad luck — thought to have touched fometing dere. Tuefday. — Went to de weft end of de town — bought fome old clothes — took in — gave great price for de breeches, thinking I felt guinea in de fob left dere by miftake — only done to cheat me — noting in the world but counterfeit half- penny — fold dem again to* Levi — took him in de fame way — very good dat. Wednefday. — Went to St. James' Street again — de devil is in de man — not at home — met Levi -, he fcolded me about de breeches — not mind dat at all — went to puff at de auction — very well paid — engaged to puff at anoder in de evening — found out dere — obliged to fneak off — found a pair of candlefticks in my coat pocket — dropped in by acjhident — fold dem to Mr. Polifhplate., de filverfmith — did very well by dat. Thurfday. — On 'Change — met de gentleman with de white wig — wanted more monies — let him have it — very good fecurities — like white wigs — carried my advertifement to de newfpaper, figned Z — pretty crooked letter dat — alway fure to bring cuftomers. Friday. — Found a watch in my coat pocket — dropped in by acjhident — made fome money by dat — met my good friend Mr. Smafh — not feen him fince he was a bankrupt — arrefted him for de THE BANQUET OF WIT. 5 monies he owed me — went home, and prepared for de fab bath. Symptom of Dodging* Marquis de Joiras. The day before a battle, an officer afked the Marquis de Joiras permiffion to go and fee his father, who was extremely ill, to render him his fervices, and receive his benedictions. c< Go," faid the general, who very diitin£tly perceived the motive of this requeft, " Honour thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long.'" Hon. "John Forbes. It was thought expedient to offer a noble lord the office of General of the Marines, then held by Admiral Forbes. It was fignified to him that it would forward the king's fervice if he would refign, and that, for thus accommodating government, it v/as propofed recommending to the king to give him a penfion of ^3,000 per annum, and a peerage to defcend to his daughter. To this Admiral Forbes fent an immediate an- fwer. He told the minifters, " The generalfhip of marines was a military employment, given him as a reward for his fervices ; that he thanked 6 THE BANQUET OF WIT God he had never been a burthen to his country, which he had ferved during a long life to the beft of his ability; and would not condefcend to accept of a penfion, or bargain for a peerage." He con- cluded by laying his generalfhip of the marines, together with his rank in the navy, at his Majefty's feet, entreating him to take both away, if they could forward his fervice ; and at the fame time amired his Majefty, " he would never prove him- feif unworthy of the honours he had received by ending the remnant of a long life as a penfioner, or accepting a peerage by political arrange- ment." S elf-Defence. I A gentleman's dog having afTailed a paviour, and fattened on his leg, the paviour in felf-de- fence killed the animal. His mafter, enraged, demanded compenfation, and had the man brought before a magiftrate. On being afked why he killed the dog, he anfwered that the animal would have bit him. "But why," faid the magiftrate, " not ftrike him with the handle of the pick, inftead of the point?" "So I mould," anfwered Paddy, " if he had attempted to bite me with his tail, inftead of his teeth." THE BANQUET OF WIT. 7 Dinner c Ti?ne. Cardinal Espagne. In the war carried on by the Pope, at the camp of Picene a general engagement became, from the pofition of the armies, unavoidable. The Cardinal went through the ranks exhorting the Papal troops to exertions for the honour and Hates of the Holy See, following this up with a complete remifiion of all their fins, and con- cluding with an afTurance that fuch of them as died that day, would dine with the angels in heaven. After this feafonable harangue, his Eminence was retiring, which a foldier obferving, faid to him, " And you, my Lord Cardinal^ wont you remain with us, and go and dine in Paradife ? " " My friend" anfwered the Cardinal, " / fioould gladly be of 'the party , but I have dined." Faith. Frederick the Great. Frederick the Great having embellifried a Lutheran church with a new altar-piece, the minifters reprefenting to the king that their flock could not read the canticles, which were done in a very fmall print, his Majefty, confidering that the advanced ftate of the building rendered this 8 THE BANQUET OF WIT. fault irremediable, returned their remonftrance, having firft written at the bottom of it thefe words : — " Happy are they who believe and fee not." Given over. Henry IV. being told that a celebrated phy- fician had quitted the reformed religion and embraced the Roman Catholic, said to the Duke of Sully, "My friend, your religion mult be in a very weak flate, fince it is given over by the phyfician." All for the Beft. Rev. Dr. Skelton. This clergyman w T as diftinguifhed for his fati- rical and fevere turn : he was called the Irifh South. 1 He one day, in a fermon, enlarged on the pofition, that " everything which God made, was well made." ""This is an affertionf faid a man exceedingly deformed, who had attentively liftened to the doctor's difcourfe, " which rather Jl aggers my belief" When the fermon was finifhed, he followed Dr. Skelton to the door ot church, and faid to him, " Sir, you preached that God had made all things well, fee how I am made" 1 A celebrated Englifli divine. THE BANQUET OF WH. g u My friend " anfwered the doclor, furveying him from head to foot, a you are very iv ell for a cripple." Text for Text. The Duke Bouillon, whom Louis XIII. had juft pardoned for a confpiracy, met the Cardinal of Valette, who faid to him, " Beati quorum remijfa funt iniqui- tates." — "Blefled are they whofe fins are forgiven them." As this Cardinal had been fufpe£ted of being alfo engaged in another confpiracy, the Duke anfwered him, u Et quorum tecla funt pec- cata." — " And under whofe roof there are no faults." This anfwer is the more happy, as being chofen from the fame pfalm. Pope Alexander VI. having expended large fums in building a mag- nificent palace, the poor, who fufFered greatly, murmured at it, and wrote thefe words upon the gates of it : " Die ut lapides ifti panes fiant." — " Command that thefe ftones be made bread." io THE BANQUET OF IV IT. Rife of the City of Glafgow. Provost Cochrane. The late Provoft Cochrane, who was emi- nently wife, and who had been a merchant at Glafgow for near feventy years, being afked to what caufes he imputed the fudden rife of the city of Glafgow, hefaid it was allowing to four young men of talents and fpirit, who ftarted at one time in bufinefs, and whofe fuccefs gave example to the reft. The four had not ten thousand pounds amongft them when they began. Wigs. It is faid that the flrft perfon by whom a wig was worn in Ireland was a Mr. Edmund O'Dwyer, who loft his eftate by joining in op- pofition to Cromwell's forces. He was known by the appellation of Edmund of the tvig. Rings. The ufe of rings is of high antiquity in Ire- land. In a tranflation of a fragment of Icelandic hiftory, entitled, " A Voyage from Ireland to Iceland," in the pofTe/Tion of the Earl of Moira, an Irifh princefs, refident in Iceland, prefents to THE BANQUET OF WIT. n her Ton, on the eve of his departure for Ireland, a ring, faying, " My father made a prefent of this gold ring to me on the appearance of my flrft tooth, I hope that he will know it again." Eloquence ! ! ! Mr. Cruger, Mr. Burke's colleague for Briftol, it would appear was not remarkable as an orator. It is reported that after Mr. Burke had delivered one of his beft fpeeches at Briftol, Cruger rofe up and exclaimed, " 1 fay ditto to Mr. Burke — I fay ditto to Mr. Burke." Tranfient Splendour. The Golden Crown of a certain fallen family that formerly ruled over a confiderable part of Ireland, was (it is a well-known facY) very lately extant. It is with pain I add, that the neceffities of the poffeflbr compelled him to convert this crown, the pride of his family, into money. 1 1 J. C. Walker, Efq., who relates this interefting and lingular anecdote, does not mention the name of the pof- feflbr of this crown. The family alluded to is moft probably that of O'C— n— r. 12 THE BANQUET OF WIT. Moji Mafical. A mufician of note, who had acquired a con- siderable fortune by marriage, was afked to fing in company. u Allow me," faid he, " to imitate the nightingale, which does not Ting after it has made its neft." Soldier/hip. Chevalier D'Affas. The memory of the following trait ought to be immortal. M. d'Affas, a captain in the regiment of Auvergne, being fent in the night-time upon a fcout, was furprifed by a patrol of the enemy ; he was ordered to be filent, and they threatened to kill him if he fpoke a word. He immediately cried out, " Come here, Auvergne, the enemy are here ! " This generous Curtius, who ought to have feen his enemy fall at his feet with ad- miration, was inftantly marTacred. Re cone Hi at io77. Adrian Brouwer. This moft eminent of the Dutch painters was pleafant, facetious, and witty in his cups, and was a ftrong advocate for a fhort life and a merry THE BANQUET OF WIT. 13 one. Refolving to proceed poft-hafte to his grave by the help of brandy, he arrived at his journey's end when he was only thirty years of age. On his death-bed, he afked for a goblet of water, which he drank, faying, " We muft re- concile ourfelves to our enemies when we are dying." Too late. An eminent lawyer having recovered from a very dangerous illnefs at the age of ninety, his friends congratulated him, and encouraged him to get up. " Alas ! " faid he to them, " it is hardly worth while to drefs myfelf again." Mafs and Mefs. Fontenelle had a brother, an abbot, who loved good wine. A gentleman afked him one day, " What is your brother doing ? " " My brother," faid he, " he is a prieft." u Has he a living ? " " No." " How does he employ himfelf?" " He fays mafs in the morning." " And in the even- ing?" "In the evening," rejoins Fontenelle, " he don't know what he fays." 14 THE BANQUET OF JVIT. Early Indication of Character. Despreaux Boileau. The father of this eminent poet and fatirift (in the latter refpe£t only fecond to Horace, or per- haps to Pope), examining one day the characters of his children, and furprifed at the mildnefs and fimplicity which he difcovered in Defpreaux, faid always of him, as diftinclion from the others, "That he was a good boy, and would never fpeak ill of any body" La Maupin, A French finger in the feventeenth century, one of the numerous inftances in which a ftage heroine, fortified by public favour, and prefuming on the magic of a melodious voice, defied the laws and inftitutions of a country by which fhe was fupported, and committed with impunity crimes which would have doomed a common unaccomplished defperado to ignominious death. The romantic and indecorous adventurer — for we hefitate in calling her a female, who drefTed, fought, made love, and conquered like a man — married at an early age M. Maupin, whom, for- tunately for the hufband, fhe quitted a few months after their nuptials, feduced by the fupe- THE' BANQUET OF WIT. 15 rior attra&ions of a fencing-mafter, who taught her the ufe of the fmall fword, a weapon which fhe afterwards handled with deftru£tive dexterity againft many antagonifts. Being invited to make an excurfion to Mar- feilles, her performances at the theatre of that city were received with unbounded applaufe; and, ftrange to tell, (he prevailed on a beautiful young woman, the only child of a wealthy mer- chant in that city, to elope with her at midnight from her father's houfe. The fugitives being purfued, they took refuge in a convent, but the rigid difcipline and correcl: manners expected in fuch focieties did not fuit La Maupin \ fhe was alfo alarmed by certain repentant fcruples which naturally arofe in the bofom of her fair aflbciate, who had quitted her parents, and deferted all that was decent and refpe&able in fociety, for a female bravo, a mafculine virago, whom fhe now dreaded and fubmitted to, rather than loved. Interrupted in her defigns, and irritated by oppofition, this theatric mifcreant fet fire in the dead of night to the building in which they had been fo hofpitably received, and, in the general confufion and alarm, fecuring by force her un- happy vi&im, fled to a fequeftered village, where they remained in concealment feveral weeks. But the country being exafperated by fuch fla- grant enormity, a diligent fearch took place, the i6 THE BANQUET OF IF1T. offender was traced to her retreat, and taken into cuftody, after a defperate refiftance, in which {he killed one of the officers of juftice and dan- geroufly wounded two others. The fair but frail Marfeillaife was reftored to her afflicted parents, and La Maupin, a notorious murderer, a feducer of innocence, and an incen- diary, was condemned to be burnt alive. But this abominable firen, whofe magic tones en- chanted every hearer, while lawlefs paffions agitated her heart, and the poifon of afps was within her lips — this compound of turpitude, info- lence, and ingratitude — had fecured fuch power- ful interceders, that the execution of her fentence was delayed ; and I relate with regret that fo odious a character efcaped the punifhment fhe deferved. From infamy and fetters fhe hurried to Paris, and was received with rapture at the Italian Opera ; but, after fo narrow an efcape, and frill bafking in the warm funfhine of public favour, La Maupin could not, or would not, conquer the chara&eriftic audacity and ferocioufnefs of her manners. During the performance of a favourite piece, and in a crowded theatre, conceiving herfelf affronted by Dumenil, an a£tor remarkable for mild and inoffenfive conduit, fhe ruihed on the ftage, poured forth a torrent of abufe on the ob- THE BANQUET OF WIT. 17 ject of her refentment, and caned him in the face of the audience. This rude violation of propriety was fub- mitted to without a murmur, and, fupported in the ftrongholds of public patronage, fhe exercifed for many years a capricious and infulting tyranny over princes, magiftrates, managers, and people. At a ball given by a prince of the blood, in the reign of Louis XIV., fhe indecoroufly paraded the room in men's clothes, and, treating a lady of diftin&ion with rudenefs, was called out at different times by three gentlemen, each of whom fhe ran through the body ; yet fuch was the public infatuation, fo polluted the fountain of juftice, that this hell-hound, whofe exiftence was a libel on the laws of nature and humanity, again was pardoned ! Under the impulfe of prevalent fafhion, pecu- liar tafte, vicious caprice, or a combination of appetite and curiofity, the Elector of Bavaria made her propofals, which were accepted, and, for a fhort time, fhe infulted the inhabitants of BrufTels, as an appendage to the loofe pleafures of their fovereign. But the reign of a proftitute, which can be prolonged only by difcretion and gentlenefs, was rapidly fhortened by a ferocious virago, who, flopping from infamy the thin veil of exterior decency, foon difgufted her lover. c 1 8 THE BANQUET OF WIT. Although callous in crime, the German prince fhrunk from abfurdity. With a mixture of cruelty and kindnefs, he fent La Maupin a heavy purfe of gold, accompanied with a meflage that her carriage, with an efcort, was at the door, in which fhe muft inftantly quit the country : the enraged courtefan threw the money at the meflenger's head, kicked him down flairs, and threw herfelf into the landau. Returning to France, her chagrin was gradu- ally foothed by the applaufe of a Parifian circle, and in the decline of life, quitting the ftage, fhe aflfociated with her forfaken hufband, who, dazzled by her accumulated wealth, overlooked his domeftic difgrace. Never too late to Mend. Madame de Sevigne. " / cannot bear" faid Madame de Sevigne, " to hear old people fay^ c I am too old to mend ;' would fooner forgive a young perfon for fuch an obfervation. Youth is fo amiable, that we muft admire it, if the mind is as perfedt as the body ; but when we are no longer young, it is then that we mould improve ourfelves, and endeavour to regain, by good qualities, what we have loft on the fide of the agreeable." THE BANQUET OF WIT. 19 Imagination. There lived at Taunton a perfon of fome pro- perty who had repeatedly filled the office of over- feer with much credit and integrity ; he was a remarkably nervous fubject, and perhaps carried hypochondria further than any of his predecefTors. Ke would keep the houfe for feveral weeks under an idea of danger in going abroad. Sometimes he was a cat, feated on his hind quarters, and occafionally fpitting at the perfon who brought him food ; at others, he would fancy himfelf a teapot, and ftand with one arm akimbo like the handle, and the other ftretched out like the fpout. But his laft imaginary ftate was the moil fingular ; he imagined himfelf dead, and would not be moved till the coffin came. Never having carried his " thick coming fancies " fo far before, Mrs. , in ferious alarm, fent for a furgeon, who addreffed him with the ufual falutation, " Mr. , how do you do this morning?" " Do !." replied he in a low voice, " a pretty queftion to afk a dead man ! " " Dead; fir ! what do you mean ?" " Yes, I died laft Wednefday ; the coffin will be here prefently, and I mall be buried to- morrow." The furgeon,. a man of fenfe and fkill, imme- 20 THE BANQUET OF WIT diately thought of a fcheme that promifed fuccefs: with a ferious, fteady countenance he felt his pulfe, and fhaking his head, faid, " I find it is indeed too true ; you are certainly defunct ; the blood is in a ftate of ftagnation, putrefaction is about to take place, and the fooner you are buried the better." The coffin arrived, he was carefully placed in it, and carried towards the church. The furgeon, perfe£tly acquainted with his character, knew where he was vulnerable, and acting accordingly, had given inftruclions to feveral neighbours how to proceed. The procefiion had fcarcely moved a dozen yards, when a perfon flopped to inquire who they were carrying to the grave ? " Mr. , our late worthy overfeer." " What ! is the old rogue gone at lad ? A good releafe, for a greater villain never lived." The imaginary deceafed no fooner heard this attack on his character, than he jumped up, and in a threatening pofture faid, " You lying fcoun- drel, if I was not dead, I'd make you fufFer for what you fay ; but as it is, I am forced to fubmit." He then quietly lay down again, but ere they had proceeded half way to the church, another party ftopped the procefiion with the fame inquiry, and added invective and abufe. This was more than our fuppofed corpfe could bear ; he was wrought up to a degree of frenzy, and jumping from the THE BANQUET OF WIT. 21 coffin, was in the a£t of following his defamers, when the whole party burft into an immoderate fit of laughter, and fo far abafhed this valetudi- narian, that, afhamed of the public expofure, and awakened to a proper fenfe of his folly, he fought againft the weaknefs, and in the end conquered it. Faffing Sentence. A fellow in Dublin had once committed fome trifling offence, for which the judge pronounced the following fentence : — Judge. " The fentence of the court is, that you mail be flogged from the Bank to the Quay." Prifonerihajiily interrupting the judge). cc Thank you, my lord, you have done your worft." Judge. " Oh ! no — and back again. 1 " Renowned Whifky. Three Irifhmen, who had drunk pretty freely of whifky at a tavern in Dublin, were loud in their praife of its virtues, as they reeled along the banks of the Liffey. One of them had juft de- clared that " whifky was meat and drink to a man," when his foot flipped, and he fell into the river, and was drowned. " You're a lucky dog. 22 THE BANQUET OF WIT. Pat," faid one of his friends, " you are fully pro- vided for ; you had meat and drink, and now you have got board and warning." Curing a Tell-tale. A late reverend luminary of a northern capital, as famed for his claret-drinking powers as for his great abilities, had a crony of the name of Hendrie, with whom he was fond of fpending the whole night in a convivial tete-a-tete. Hen- drie's conftant apology to his wife, on returning home from thefe drunken bouts, was, that he " had been with that good, holy man, Dr. Thom- fon." The lady made no fecret to her friends of the excefTes into which her hufband was led by the reverend gentleman ; and the circumftance coming to the ears of the doclor, he refolved to take a pleafant revenge on Hendrie for the fcandal which he had brought on his character. The next time they were feated at a tavern, over a bottle of claret, with the intention of fitting it out as ufual, the Doctor pretended, all of a fudden, to recollect fome bufinefs of an official nature which he muft go about immediately. " However," faid he, " it won't detain me long, fo do you re- main here till I return. In the meantime, re- plenifh your glafs, and ftir up the fire." Away went the doctor, not, however, about any official THE BANQUET OF WIT. 23 bufinefs, but dire&ly to the houfe of Mr. Hendrie. " Is Mr. Hendrie at home ? " " No, fir." " Is Mrs. Hendrie at home ? " " Yes, fir." " Dr. Thomfon's compliments, and he would be happy to wait upon her." The doclor was immediately ufhered into the prefence of the lady, who received him with a degree of conftrained politenefs, the meaning of which he was at no lofs to compre- hend. " So, madam," faid the doctor, " Mr. Hendrie, I find, is not at home r " " No, doctor ; but now that you are here, I'll anfwer for it he will be home foon enough." " Well, madam,'" replied the doctor, affecting not to feel the point of her obfervation, "it is a long time fince I have feen Mr. Hendrie ; and as I want very much to fpeak with him about a matter of importance, I fhall wait a little." From the ferioufnefs with which this was faid, the lady began to fufpec~f. that her hufband muft have been taking fome liberties with the doctor's name in his drunken apologies; and, in a kindlier tone, fhe invited the doctor to ftay to fupper, by which time fhe hoped and trufted, and had no doubt, Mr. Hendrie would be returned home. " Nothing," the doctor faid, "would give him more pleafure; for luckily he had an hour to fpare that night, which, fo many were his avocations, was but rarely the cafe." Supper time came, but ftill no Mr. Hendrie ap- peared. His good lady could not imagine what 24 THE BANQUET OF WIT. had become of him. The doctor fuggefted a hundred friendly apologies. The hour of eleven at length arriving, later than which, as the doctor gravely affirmed, he never ftayed from home, he rofe to depart, begging Mrs. Hendrie to inform her hufband how anxious he was to fee him, and how long he had waited for him. The doctor now haftened back to the tavern, made many excufes to Hendrie for leaving him fo long alone; and, to make up for the loft time, plied the bottle fo hard that ere daybreak he fent the babbler home more fuddled than he ever parted from him before. " Where have you been, you drunken fot ? " exclaimed his offended wife. Hendrie hiccupped out as ufual, "Where, where have I been ? Why don't you know, my love ? With that good, holy man, Dr. Thomfon." " Oh, fie, fie! Mr. Hendrie," rejoined the honeft woman ; u how dare you make fie a ufe o' that godly man's name ? Wi' you, indeed ! na, na, gudeman, nor wi' ony like you. That ftory 'ili no do ony langer ; I've fand you out at laft, fir. The doctor nipped here to-night, and has na feen • you the Lord knows when ! " In vain did Hen- drie proteft, as intelligibly as he could, how truly he fpoke; the lady knew better than to believe a word he faid. Next morning, when Hendrie began to collect his fcattered fenfes, he eafily per- ceived the trick which the doctor had played off THE BANQUET OF WIT. 25 upon him; but rather than betray (o worthy an aflbciate, he chofe to remain filent; and ever after, inftead of being faluted with a " Where have you been, drunken fot ? " his good wife would bawl out, in a tone of high derifion, uo. A Highlander, who fold brooms, went into a barber's fhop in Glafgow to be fhaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after he had fhaved him, afked the price. " Two pence," faid the Highlander. " No, no," faid the barber, " I'll give you a penny ; if that does not fatisfy you, take your broom again, and we'll not make a bargain." The Highlander took it, and afked what he had to pay. " A penny," fays Mr. Razor. " No, by my faith now," fays Duncan, " She'll give you a halfpenny, and if that does not fatisfy you, put on her beard again, and we'll na mak a bargain." Conjiitutional Cold. " When I have a cold in my head," faid a gentleman in company, u I am always remark- ably dull and ftupid" "You are much to be pitied, then, fir," replied another, " for I don't remember ever to have feen you without a cold in your head." THE BANQUET OF WIT. 79 A New Method of Revenge, A poor man married an efquire's daughter. As the rich man would not be reconciled, or give him any portion, he chriftened all his children by the father-in-law's furname, that they might convey, as beggars, the family name to pofterity. C re billon. When Crebillon was compofing his tragedy of "Cataline," a friend called on him, and was fur- prifed to fee four large ravens fitting at his elbow. " Walk gently, my good friend," faid the poet, " walk gently, or you will put my confpirators to flight." In his laft illnefs, Crebillon exprefTed great re- gret that he fhould not live to nnifh the play which he had in hand, having gone through two A£ts of it only. The phyfician who attended him begged that he would bequeath him the two A6ts. Crebillon turned to him, and, with a fmile, repeated a line from one of the AcSts : " Say, (hall the aflaffin be the dead man's heir ? " 8o THE BANQUET OF WIT. Puffing. The following modeft advertifement is taken from the " Mercurius Publicus," for November 20, 1663 : — "Newly publifhed, the fecond part of Hudibras (by the incomparable author of the former), which, if pojjible, has outdone the firft ; fold, by John Merton and James Alleftry, at the Bell, St. Paul's Church-yard." It would appear from this, that in the art of puffing, the moderns (excepting always thofe marts of good tafte, the Theatres Royal) have fallen thoufands of leagues behind the " good old times." Gynocracy } King Charles I. King Charles I., on the return of his fer- geant, empty-handed, from the Commons, where he had been to demand the bodies of Pym, Mr. Hollis, Sir Arthur Hazlerig, Mr. Strode, and Mr. Hampden, determined to enter him- felf on the execution of the project. This was in the evening, but the morning bringing more timid reflections, the King went to the Queen's apartment, and expoftulated on the hazard of the attempt. The Queen was tranf- 1 A Greek word fignifying petticoat government. THE BANQUET OF WIT. 81 ported with paffion at this want of refolution. " Go, coward" exclaimed the imperious woman, "pull thefe rogues out by the ears, or never fee my face more." The fubmiffive hufband obeyed, and went ftraight to the Houfe of Commons with a train of five hundred followers. Every reader knows the refult. George Frederic Handel. The uninterrupted fuccefs and unrivalled glory with which the compontions of Handel are frill performed, render anecdotes of him extremely interefting. Arbuthnot, fpeaking to Pope of Handel : faid, " Conceive the higheft that you can of his abilities, and they are much beyond anything that you can conceive." Handel's father intended him for the law, and would not allow any inftrument belonging to the fcience of mufic to be taken into the houfe. The fon concealed a fmall clavichord in his garret, where he amufed himfelf when the family were afleep. When feven years of age, he went with his father to the Court of Saxe-WeifTenfels. Here he got into church one morning, and began to play upon the organ. The Duke, who was then in the church, furprifed at the playing, defired to G 82 THE BANQUET OF WIT. know who it was j and, on being informed, blamed the old gentleman for reftraining the fon's inclination. At the age of nine years Handel actually compofed the church fervice. 1 During his refidence at Hamburg, one of his own profeffion made a pufh at him with his fword as he was coming out of the orcheftra : a mufic- book in Handel's bofom prevented the weapon from piercing his heart. Hence mufic flood his friend on the beft occafions — it obtained him /200 from Queen Anne, and ^200 more from George I., and warded off the aflailin's pufli. Duelling. There are, defpite the many inftances to the contrary, examples of gentlemen, who, regardlefs of the trammels that the fuppofed laws of honour formerly fixed upon fociety, have been jealous of their honour, and courageous enough to defend it, yet never ambitious for a duel : men who, with a giant's power, have not ufed it as a giant. One of thofe was Captain Foy, a gentleman who had been engaged in four or five duels, without ever having been the challenger, and who was fo ex- 1 Genius is often elicited by accident : little Parker, who was really a Phenomenon, owed his celebrity to the calual circumftance of Mr. Billington having lodged for a while at his father's houfe. THE BJti^UET OF WIT. 83 pert in the ufe of piftols, that he would hit a bottle at the diftance of twenty paces, and extinguifh a candle with a bullet at half the diftance. This gentleman, while in quarters with his regiment in the North of England, had one day at the mefs-table given offence to a young officer, who, conceiving his honour injured, challenged the captain. Captain Foy afked the officer if he had ever fought a duel, or if he was a good fhot ; and being anfwered in the negative, he faid, " Suppofe we practife a little before our meeting to-morrow morning ? " Then calling for his piftols, the whole party adjourned into the yard of the inn where they were quartered. A wine-bottle was placed at the diftance of twenty paces. Captain Foy took his piftol and mattered it to pieces ; then, turning to the young officer, he faid, " Now, fir, I am ready to give you farts faction. To have accepted your challenge after the knowledge of my own (kill and your inexperience, would not have been confiftent with that honour of which, I truft, I entertain as delicate a fenfe as yourfelf." The young officer thanked him for his franknefs, and obferving that he could not believe that a gentleman who could act thus nobly could be guilty of an intentional affront, declared himfelf perfectly fatisfled, while the conduct of Captain Foy endeared him to the whole circle of officers. 84 THE BANQUET OF WIT. George the Firjl. Mr. Rofenhagen, who was domeftic ftew?.rd of the Duchefs of Munfter, ufed to relate us a fact within his perfonai knowledge, th?.i when the Earl of Nithfdale made his efc^pe out of the Tower, the night before he was to be executed, the Deputy-Lieutenant of the Tower, as foon as it was known, went to St. James's to acquaint the King with it, and to vindicate himfelf from any remiunefs or treachery in his conduct. His Majefty was entertaining himfelf with a felect party of the nobility, and it was with difficulty the Lieutenant gained admittance ; when, with fome alarm and concern, he told his Majefty that he had fome ill news to acquaint him with. The King faid directly, " What ! is the city on fire, or is there a new insurrection ? " He faid that neither was the cafe, but told his Majefty of Nithfdale's efcape. The King moft humanely replied, " Is that all ? It was the wifeft thing he could do, and . what I would have done had I been in his place. And pray, Mr. Lieutenant, be not too diligent in fearching after him, for I wifh for no man's blood." the banquet: OF WIT. 85 Chrijlianity. A gentleman, the firft time of his coming to Bath, was extravagantly charged for everything by the perfons in whofe houfe he lodged, as well as by others whom he had occafion to deal with ; of which, fome time after, complaining to Beau Nafh, " Sir," replied the latter, " they have acted to you on true Chriftian principles." " How fo ? " replied the man. " Why, you were a ftranger, and they took you in." George the Fourth. On hearing fomeone declare that Moore had murdered Sheridan in his late life of that flatef- man, this King obferved, " I won't fay that Mr. Moore has murdered Sheridan, but he has cer- tainly attempted his life." A Father s Reproof. The father of an Irifh ftudent, feeing his fon a£r. ftupidly, u Why, firrah," fays he, u did you ever fee me do fo when I was a boy ?" 86 THE BANQUET OF WIT. The Letter H. The Rev. Rowland Hill, when at college, had a converfation with fome of his companions on the power of the letter H, when it was con- tended that it was no letter, but a mere afpira- tion of breathing. Rowland took the oppofite fide of the queftion, and infifted on its being, to all intents and purpofes, a letter^ and concluded by obferving, if it was not, it was a very ferious thing for him, as it would occafion his being /// all the days of his life. A Death-bed Bon Mot. Swift's Stella, in her laft illnefs, being vifited by her phyfician, he faid, " Madam, I hope we fhall foon get you up the hill again." "Ah ! " faid fhe, " I am afraid before I get to the top / [ball be out of breath" William Hogarth Was affifted in his " Analyfis of Beauty" by Dr. Benjamin Hoadly (author of the " Sufpicious Hufband"), Mr. Ralph, and Dr. Morell. His vanity was unbounded : one word in favour of his favourite daubing of " Sigifmunda " might THE BANQUET OF WIT. 87 have commanded a proof print, or forced an original fketch out of our artift's hands. Hogarth was one of the molt abfent of men. Soon after he had let up his carriage he paid a vifit to the Lord Mayor (Mr. Beckford), and having protracted his vifit for a confiderable time, till a heavy fhower came on, he was let out by a different door from that by which he entered. Unmindful of his own carriage, he called for a hackney coach, but could not procure one ; he therefore fet off" through the rain, and got home dripping wet. Mrs. Hogarth very naturally afked him, " Where he had left the carriage ? " " Why, really " replied he, " I had entirely forgot it." Hogarth being appointed ferjeant-painter to his Majefty, he thought he mould mow his grati- tude for that favour by attacking the Oppoiition gentlemen. He began with a caricature of Mr. Wilkes. Mr. Churchill foon after publifhed the " Epiftle to William Hogarth," in which that artift was unmercifully lamed. Hogarth's re- venge terminated in " The Bruifer, C. Churchill (once the reverend)," reprefenting the fatirift in the form of a bear dreiTed canonically, holding a pot of porter in his paw. During thefe hoftili- ties Hogarth died. On the front of a pyramidal monument at Chifwick, are the following admirable lines by his friend Garrick : — THE BANQUET OF WIT. " Farewell, great painter of mankind Who reach'd the nobleft point of art, Whofe pi£tur"d morals charm the mind, And through the eye correal the heart. If genius fire thee, Reader flay ; If nature touch thee, drop a tear 5 If neither move thee, turn away, For Hogarth's honour'd duft lies here." Coffee. A phyfician faid one day to Fontenelle, " Coffee is a flow poifon." " Yes, very flow," anfwered Fontenelle, fmiling ; "for I have taken it every day for more than four f core years." Blood for Blood, Louvois, prime minifter to Louis XIV., faid to that monarch, in the prefence of Peter Stuppa, colonel of a regiment of Swifs Guards, that with the gold and filver which the Swifs had received from the King of France, an highway might be paved to reach from Paris to Bafle. "That may be true, fire," replied the Colonel -, " and, likewife, if all the blood could be collected that my countrymen have fhed in the fervice of your Majefty and your predecefTors, a canal might be formed to reach from Bade to Paris." THE BANQUET OF WIT. 89 Effect of Good Wine. Rabelais. This fupremely witty writer faid : " Good wine makes good blood, good blood makes good hu- mours, good humours create good thoughts, good thoughts produce good works, good works guide men to heaven, and, confequently, good wine conduces men to heaven." Perhaps Rabe- lais might have thus expounded the paffage of Scripture, " Wine cheers the heart of God and man!'' Agejilaus. When Agefilaus, the renowned king of Sparta, heard any perfon praifed or cenfured, he re- marked, that it was as neceffary to know the characters of the.fpeakers as the character of thofe who were the fubjecls of their opinions. Lord Chefterfield. On the 1 ft of July it was the cuftom for the Proteftants in Ireland to appear at the Court of the Lord Lieutenant with orange-coloured ribbons, in commemoration of the battle of the Boyne, gained by King William III. When the Earl of Chefterfield was Lord Lieutenant, he obferved 9 o THE BANQUET OF IV IT. Mifs Ambrofe, a papift, a very beautiful girl, wearing one of thofe ribbons. The inftant it caught his eye he walked up to her, and ad- drefled her in the following lines : — "Say, lovely Tory, what's the jest, Of wearing orange on your breaft ? Since that fame breaft betraying mows The whitenefs of the rebel rofe ? *' Early to Church. A lady was afked the reafon why fhe always came fo early to church. " Becaufe," faid fhe, " it is part of my religion never to difturb the religion of others." Never Look Behind. A foldier boafted to Julius Csefar of the many wounds he had received in the face. Caefar, knowing him to be a coward, faid to him, " The next time you run away, you had better take care how you look behind you." 'Talking Spanijh. Sir Henry Vane, who was fufpected to have been bribed by the Court of Madrid, preffed Guftavus Adolphus, in a vehement manner, to THE BANQUET OF WIT. 91 adopt certain meafures. To get rid of his im- portunity, he faid to Sir Henry, " Sir, I do not underftand your language, you appear to talk Spanijh." Beauty in Spite of her Teeth. A young fellow was extolling a lady's beauty very highly, and one of his companions allowed fhe had beauty, except that fhe had a bad fet of teeth. " Very true," faid the firft, "but fhe is a fine woman, in fplte of her teeth ." Cunning. A Midlothian farmer, obferving to his plough- boy that there was a fly in his milk, " O, never mind, fir," faid the boy, " it winna drown ; there's nae fae meikle o't." u Gude wife," faid the farmer, u Jock fays he has o'er little milk ! " "Well, well, no matter; but you know, good woman, your Chriftian charity com- mands you to do even good to your enemies." " Na, I winna," anfwered the woman, a unlefs youfirft repeat the Creed and the Lord's Prayer." Having no alternative, he was forced to accede to the pious woman's terms. Duke of Luxembourg. The Duke of Luxembourg, who fo often de- feated King William the Third, was a man of ungracious figure, having a protuberance on his back. King William, enraged at the lofs of a great battle, exclaimed, when retreating, in the prefence of his officers, " What ! fhall that Haunchback always beat us ? " This expreflion being repeated to Luxembourg, " How, in the name of wonder," faid he, fmiling, " does King William know that I am haunchbacked ? He never faw my back, but I have often feen his-." Rabelais. There is a ftory of the famous Rabelais, who, when he was at a great diftance from Paris, and 154 THE BANQUET OF WIT. without money to bear his expenfes, got together a convenient quantity of brick-duft, and having difpofed of it in feveral papers, wrote upon one, " Poifon for Monfieur ; " upon a fecond, " Poi- fon for the Dauphin ; " and on a third, " Poifon for the King." Having made this provifion for the royal family of France, he laid his papers fo that his landlord, who was an inquifitive man and a good fubjecl:, might get fight of them. The plot fucceeded as he defired ; the hoft fe- cured his gueft, and gave immediate intelligence to the fecretary of flate. The fecretary pre- fently fent down a fpecial mefTenger, who brought the traitor to Court, and provided him at the King's expenfe with proper accommodation on the road. As foon as he appeared, he was known to be the celebrated Rabelais, and his powder, upon examination, being found very innocent, the jeft was only laughed at, for which a lefs eminent droll would have been fent to the galleys. The Dying Citizen. A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors' ears, " Farewell," faid one, " there is fo much of mine gone with him."