Qass_ Book_ di THE HAUNTED INN, JL FARCS, IjY two ACTi^, BOSTON : PUBLISHED BY RICHARDSlDN, LORD & HOLBROOK. Ib29. -« 13RAMATIS rF:RSONie» Captain Levant * - - Corporal Trot (his Servant) Mr. Gristle (Landlord of the Inn) Tommy Tadpole (his Nephew Se. Sir Tomkyn Probe - Etiquette (a French Jeweller) Bluff (a Bailiff) - - - John - * - - - Coachman - _• - - Angelica _ - - - Mrs. Gristle - - - ■' Jenny Tuft . - - - Mr. Jones. SimpHoH. " MatihCXS, . riacid6x " Hughes. KnighU ter) " LisUn. Hilsoji* " JBcnneti Jones. " Gattie. Williams. •' Salter^ Povcy. " C. Jones. itaydcn* " Darnlcy. May. Miss J". Paton. Jtfrs. Cfodc^. Mrs. C. Jones. JVkeatlcy. " Orger. Hachctt. Sceno in Essox— Time, a Night and Morning, THE HAUNTED INN. ACT I. Scene 1. A Road^-A Clump of trees at the back-^ Evening, Enter Etiquette and Bluff. 2 E, P. S. Etiq. Now, now, Monsieur Bluff, I say now, de two persons did not go ^dis way. Bluff. I tell you I lost sight of them just as we got to the top of the hill, only you're so obstinatCj Mounseei- Eat-a-cat. Etiq. Ah! Eat a-cat! you cannot pronounce, my tiame is Etiquette, not Eat-a-cat, Etiquette of the firm of Messieurs Etiquette, Bijou & Co. Jewellers, Gold* stoit and Wash men. Monsieur Bijou he attend to de business, all de fashionable people deal at our ?hop — I look after de money concern, by gar I have de most work to collect de debt. Bluff. You are not a sleeping partner, then. Etiq. I get no sleep never, now I come all de way from London after de bad customer who has Bluff, Who has hopped the twig, and you bring me, a respectable sheriff's officer to arrest him ; well, now d'ye see, Mounseer, you've been chattering half an 1* * 6 THE HAUNTED INN. hour, and Captain Levant, who we^re arter, has got the start of us. Etiq. Dat Captain Levant ! he is in debt over his head, I do not know his person, tho' my partner Mon- sieur Bijou does to our cost ! mais n^ importe my sa- gacite sal find him out, ve have trace him from Shelmsford. Bluff. Yes, and magging in this way, you may dan- gle after hira to the land's end. Etiq. Non, non, I guess he is gone to visit Sair Tomkyn Probe, de lord of de manor here, because 1 know Sair Samuel de papa of de Capitainie, and Sair Tomkyn vere de friend of de bosom. Bluff. Well, well, keep along this road, he's right afore us, come along, Mr. Eat-a-cat. Etiq. Etiquette ! it is not Eat a-cat, you stupidite, donkey, dog, venez done Monsieur Bluff, you are de follower, lead de vay, you take dat path, I go dis, vich I tink will lead to Sir Tomkyn Probe's house of the manor. Bluff. Remember you have got the red tail. Etiq. Red tail — Eh ! I got de red tail, {feeling his pig tail.) Bluff. The writ, the writ. Etiq. Ah oui, adieu, adieu. [Exeunt Etiq. L. H. Bluffs R. H. Corporal Thot peeps out from the clump oftrees^ then comes forward. Corp. All is safe, advance. Captain. Capt, ( Without) John Trot. Corp. What ? Capt. Gone ? Corp. Wheeled into the defile, Captain Levant. THE HAUNTED INN. Enter Captain^ down L. H. from clump. Capt. Hush, silence, bawling my name out pub- licly when I have cogent reasons to the contrary, just at this critical moment when I was hid like king Charles at Boscobel, and my pursuers not out of hearing. Corp. Bless you, Captain, I would not have you ar- rested now for fifty pounds. Capt. It is more likely that I should be arrested for five hundred : Trot, you know nearly all my secrets, I have oflfended my father, Sir Samuel, by my extrava- gance. Corp. Lauk sir ! Extravagance ! your father, Sir Samuel Levant is as rich as a Jew, made his money among the Turks, traded to Constantinople, Smyrna, Tunis, and with the sharks. Capt. The sharks ! Corp. The Algerines. Capt. Well, a partial reconciliation has taken place, because I have consented to wed the lady he has chosen for me. Corp. Going to be married. Sir I Capt. Can't say, I have not yet seen the fair one by name Angelica ; she is the daughter of Sir Tomkyn Probe, to whom my father in his odd way has written this : I suppose a letter of recommendation, sealed up. 1 start from Chelmsford to cross the country to Probe Hall. Corp. And the bailiffs start after us, that is after yoM, Sir. Capt. This day's race at Newmarket is my onlj chance, I have backed the field against the favourite, if it goes wrong I am only deeper in the mire. 8 THE HAUNTED INN. Corp. Mire ! I always thought that betting was dirty work, but you know, Sir, Mr. Joshua Nicks is to send an express to you from the race ground with the result. Capt. To Sir Torakyn Probe's, wherever Sir Tom- kyn's seat may be, for I really don't know at present the residence of my father-in-law. Corp. We stand a chance of bivouacking this night on the road. Sir. Capt. (Looking off.) There they are, as sure as fate, the bailiffs, a tall fellow and a short one, Corp. No, Sir, no, you are so near sighted. Capt. Why he points this way. Corp. It's a direction post in company with a mile stone. Capt. In yonder thicket. Corporal, we will ex- chanj;e dresses, you shall strut into my Stultz and I will attire myself in your Corporal jacket. Every gentleman before he consents to be tied up for life, should at least see the object of his affections. Corp, My poor father. Sir, who was a higler — Capt. Higler ! Corp. Yes, Sir, a sort of perambulating poulterer^ he used to say to me " John, always look twice before you leap." Capital advice of the old cock, warn't it, Sir, a little accident obliged rae to abscond from home* Capt. A little accident ! Corp. Ye?, Sir, the beadle came after me, you un- derstand. Sir, cruel case. Capt. What do you mean ? Corp. They wanted to swear to a terrible falsehood, you understand, Sir, they wanted to swear that ray father was a grandfather! used a word I never heard before, filiation, I think they called it. THE HAUNTED INN. 9 Capt, I will in this disguise, inspect the lady, and either with the perils of matrimony, or the bailiffs my person will be secure ; allons ! {^Enters the Thicket.) Corp. So I am to squeeze into the coat of arms of my little master ! I shall go into fits, he had better take leg bail to keep him out of the hands of the bailiffs, how faithfully I have served him — my reward — the old story of monkey's allowance more kicks than half-pence — if the Captain had an ounce of grati- tude in his Gasometer he'd say, he'd say — Capl. {Without.) Trot, you rascal, bring your jacket. Corp. There I said so. *' Let a gal," as the French say, right about face, doff coat and waistcoat — make ready to be a dandy : left shoulder, forward march. l^Exit after Captain, Enter Jenny Tuft, with a basket^ singing. 1 E. L. H. Jenny. What a deuce of a way our house is from the village shop ; my marketing is all right. Tea, four shillings ; pepper, threepence ; lemons, eighteen pence; thimble, a penny ; gingerbread for Tommy, a halfpen- ny ; poor Tadpole he is over head and ears in love with me, to be sure he is not handsome, but beauty is but skin deep, and there needn't be beauty on both fides. {Corporal sneezes.) What was that ? I wish this mystery was cleared up about the ghost : I dread bed time, and poor old uncle and aunt lead a terrible life with it. Capt. (icilhout.) Corporal ! Corp. (without.) I am dressing into line. Jenny. Voices I 10 THE HAUNTED INN, Rt-enfer Captain in the CarporaPs uniform* ■ Capl. (Seei7}gJtn7t7/.) What is thai ? Corporal tnltrs dressed extfavaganlhf in the Caplairi'a fashionable clothes. Corp. What? Not a bailiff, Sir, it's a pretty girl. Capt. {apart.) Give me niy glass, 1 cannot see a yard from my face, {Trot gives eye glass) really a pret- ty bit of rusticity. Jtnny. A common sojer. Capl. 'Pon my life, regular feature?, enamell'd teeth, and dimpled cheeks {eying her.) Jtnny. It's like your impudence, (-f- to Corporal,,) this gentleman will surely protect me. Corp. (To Capt.) Corporal, you forget j'ourself, {apart) 3'ou see -fine feathers make fine birds — Protect you ! {bombastically) Where is the man, the Briton, who would not put both his best legs forward to succour, cherish and protect helpless and lovely woman. — {^iside.) — There's a speech ! I heard that at the play house. Capt, The swaggering rascal, I shall be presently compelled to dust my own coat with the Corporal's body in it. Tell me, sweet, is there any house of en- tertainment on the road, I'm almos't famished. Jenny. You look as if 3'ou were — Capt. {^side.) Complimentary ! Egad. Jenny. You poor sojers, haven't much money to spend, but {turning to the Corporal.,) if the gentle- man here wants refreshment — Corp. The gentleman certainlj' does, ahem ! Jenny. {Aside.) 1 wish it was not so dark ! The gentleman is so like ray old sweetheart John Trot : my uncle keeps the Sun and Whalebone a top of the THE HAUNTED INN. 11 hi!l. {Aside.) I shanH (ell 'em it's haunted. {To Cot- poral.) We can give you a bed room, Sir; the hon.se •will be full enonah, for Harlow Bush Fair takes place this week. {To Captain.) The sojer here can sleep in the hay loft. Capl. {Aside.') Can he? The post of honor is a private station. Jenny. {To Corp.) This way, Sir. {To Captain.) Sojer, you can march after us. Corp. {Aside.) If I wasn't disgui-ed for master's service, I'd ask this girl a question. She's remarkably- like, Jenny Tuft, whom I courted four years ago. {Takes Jenny^s arm.) Capt, Plague take it ! My coat m.ust not supplant its master. Pray, Miss, whereabouts is Probe Hall ? Jenny. Go up to Clay Lane till you come to Mud- dy Corner, which step over, then turn to the left through Splashy meadow, when you will arrive at Sink- ipe-deep gap. Corp. Up Clay Lane, Muddy Corner, tliroiigh Splashy meadow to Siak-me-deep gap, my wig, the Captain's clothes, Capl. {Apart to Corporal.) Deliver this letter to Sir Tomkjn, but don't utter a word about your mas- ter. {Revioves him from Jenny.) Take the letter, firrah ! Give it, but say nothing about me till I arrive, till the bailiffs are out of scent. I shall take tip my abode with (his pretty la«s at the Sun and WhHli-hone. Corp. Yes, and I may wade up to my neck tlirough Clay Lr.ne, Muddy corner, Splashy meadow, and Sink- nie-deep gap — oh (he bles-ing= of being ncn^commis- fioiied. I i-rcfer private life. (Aside.) 12 THE HAUNTED INN. Ready Crash. L. H, .Jenny. {To Corporal.') Are. you not going to the Sun and Whalebone ? Corp. No, mj^ man will see you safe there. {Aside.") Very like my Jenny. {To Captain.) No tricks, Cor- poral. Ahem ! Capl. Good night ! Jenny. Good night ! This way, Mr. Sojer. \_Exeunt Captain and Jenny. 1 E. R. H. Corp. There, there's all the difference between a gentleman and his gentleman, he walks off with the prize and I n'importe. I'll ^eek my opportunity, she spoke of Harlow Bush Fair, I'll beau her to the sports and festivities. Country girls love nothing so much as a fair, bless 'era the fair sex. Zooks, I love the whim and jollity of a country fair myself. [Exit L. H. Scene 2. A. rooinin an Inn — Table — chairs — broom. Enter Mr. and Mrs. Gristle, in trepidation. R. H. Mr. G. Annabella ! Mrs. G. Well Euphemias. Gris. Didn't you hear a noise ? Mrs. Gris. No, Euphy. Gris. That's one comfort, we have lived ray beloved in the Sun and Whalebone, creditably and happily for forty years — but for the last six weeks. Mrs. Gris. Yes, ray affectionate. Gris. The premises have been tenanted by Satan and his imps. {Jl crush icilhouf. L. M,) Bless my soul, what was that ? Mrs» G. {Looks round.) I breathe again. Gris. The spectre. THE HAUNTED INN. 13 jyirs. G. No, the cat has knocked down a tin can- dlestick on the tea things. ^ Gris, Only the cat I That's one comfort— a storm's coming on. Mrs. G. We have a roof over our heads, that's another. Gris. Some unlaid ghost drags a chain all over the house, hush ! here's Tommy, don't let us frighten the poor lad. Mrs. G. There's a sort of melancholy come about Tommy Tadpole, lately. Tommy sings without. '' In glided Marg'teTs grimly ghost," Enters 1 E. L. H. " And stood at William's feet." Gris, For mercy's sake, Tommy, what is the mat- ter with you ? Tom, Oh, don't ask ! Mrs, G. Tommy, by the love you bear me, haven't I been a second mother to you ? Tom. Most folks think you were my first. Gris. Why, I never had any children. Tom. Who said you had, Mr. Gristle. Mrs. G. Your looks alarm me, Tommy, do you know any thing about noises in the night ? Tom. Noises in the night ! Gris. Aye, Tommy, have you been disturbed in bed? Tom. Sometimes. I sleep over the stable. Mrs. G, But has any thing awoke you in the night? Tom, Oh yes. Mr. & Mrs. G. {Eagerly.) What ? Tom, The little biting chaps. 14 THE HAUNTED INN. Gris. Nothing else ? That's one comfort. Tom. Comfort ! Try 'em, and yoxx will have some- thing to crack about. Oris. The Sun anil Whalebone is haunted, Tom- my. Tom. Haunted, uncle ! Mrt. G, Yes, there's a spectre in chains. Gris. Stalks up and down the house. Mrs. G. Taps at our bed room door, Gris. Groans dismally. Mrs. G. Warns us to quit the premises. Tom. Oh, pooh, pooh, gammon, Mrs. Gristle. Gris. We are on the rack. To7n. So is your bacon, but I'll tell you how to pave yourselves, and your bacon too, gammon or not. If the house is haunted why doj'ou slay in it ? Gris. I'll go and consult Mr. Justice Yewtree, our clergyman and magistrate. Tom. {Aside.) That mustn't be ; he'll discover all. Uncle, Mr. Yewtree will fine you five shillings for being tipsy, and take away the license from the Sun and Whalebone, and then what a mooney you'll look like. Ghost, indeed ! I don't believe in ghosts. If you are downright afeard, go and live at the cottage you bought in the village, and leave Jenny and I to nianage the Sun and Whalebone. {Aside.) That's coming to the point at once. Mrs. G. This is good advice, Euphemias. Gris, I can take good advice, that's one comfort, Mrs. G. We'll go to supper, that's another. Tom. Aunt, make yourself a stiff glass of rum punch and 1 will come and help you to drink it. {Exe- unt Mr. Sc Mrs. G. L. H.) There they go, a brace of superannuated^ old fools. By gosh, I shall frighten them out of the house n6w. I've been waiter here seven THE HAUNTED INN. 15 years, and that's waiting quite long enough, I won't stand out any longer for the good will of the Sun and Whalebone and the good will of Jenny. I know I am old Gristle's presump/Mouj hair^ but I want to see the name of Tommy Tadpole in the list of licensed wit- tiers! {Takes a hook from, his pocket, reads^) "This is a true and particular account of that extraordinary affair, the Cock Lane Ghost." I've taken a leaf or two out of this book ; ^' midnight noises,'' banging of doors, " groans, chains." I'll have another go at *em this evening, they all believe it. Uncle Gristle is so credulous, I once persuaded him that an owl was a woodcock. {Looks off.) Jenny comes, I suffers her to be frighten'd as well as the rest. Enter Jejvxy and Captain. 1 E. R. H. Jenny. This is the Sun and Whalebone, young man. Capt. Thank you, pretty maid. Tom, (Aside.) Who is this chap she's so free with ? I'll hector over her a bit. Jenny, you good for noth- ing creter, what a devil of a time you've davvdled on an errand, it is quite indecent and misreprehensible of you. Jenny, I'm sure, Tommy, I made all the haste I could. Tom. You know you are a tarraddidling Jenny. Capt. {To Torn.) Sir, whoever you may be, a temperate tone is considered the most gentlemanly in addressing a female. Tom. Ha ! but I'm not gentlemanly, and I don't want to be gentlemanly. Capt. You disarm me, Sir. Tom. I see you have not your gun with you. Capt. {To Jenny.) Pray, is this wild boar the mastcv of the house ? 16 THE HAUNTED INN. Jenny, Wild boar ! No, Mr. Corporal, he is Tom- my the waiter. Capt. Oh, Tommy the waiter ! Jenny, See, I've brought this gingerbread for you. Tom, Don't think to allay my t/^ehemence with gingerbread. (Takes it.) A gingerbread wife too ! Jenny. A gingerbread wife is quite good enough for a husband who will always be snapping his wife's nose off. [Exit L. H, Capt, Waiter! Tom, Coming. Capt, (^Looking at him through his glass.) A most uncouth monster certainly ; the reverse of the Cen- taur, the body of a man with the face of a horse. Tom. My eye, a Corporal with a quizzing glass. I say my good chap, if you're so near sighted how do you get through your exercise, eh ? So. {Takes a broom for a musket, and a large key for a quizzing glass, imitates military exercise.) " Shoulder arms." *' Port arms." " Ram down cartridge." "Make ready." ** Present." " Fire." ha ! ha ! ha ! {Looks through the key to see that each evolution is correct.) Capt. Entertaining youtli I Tom. Ah, that's what Iheyallcalls me. Capt. Take your ugly body out of the room, let me see 3'our bill of fare; light a fire, draw some ale, dust the chairs, lay the cloth, mix a sallad and bring me a cigar. {Seats himself on table.) Tom. Well ! the Corporal is going it. I'll let him down a peg or two — 1 say, my fine fellow, it's a rule in this house not to sit on the table, there's a werse o\ner the chimley in the Tap Room cautioning all them that fringe that way. **He who does on the table sit, " A pot of ale shall forfe it.'* THE HAUNTED INN. 17 What d'ye think of that ? {Slaps Caplaln's hack.) Capt, Think, booby, why I think that if your ale isn't better than your poetry, it is cursed flat. Tom. Drawn without a head, mayhap! now isn't that a good one ? Capt, Go and do as I have ordered you, Tom. Why you see, master Corporal, there's a little circumcoZtttion as to that, our'n is a ready money business. We Innkeepers pay our taxes, which you are aware pays the ^army and the Prime Ministers and the Excisemen their wages. Now you perceive, we know that your annual hincome as a sojer is not above eighteen pence a day, and a good deal of that goes in pipe clay, so you see — Captr 1 see nothing but your stupidity. Tom,. You see it's as well, Mr. Corporal, (as we li- censed wittlers pay our taxes,) that you should just show me whether you have any money in your pocket or not. Capt. Ha! ha! ha! You sordid ideot ; I'll as- tonish your avaricious eyes. (Aside.) Why, fury, the Corporal has gone with my purse when we changed clothes ! 1 havenH a stiver. Tom. Ah I I thought so ! not a rap. Capt. You will receive one in a minute if you do not lay the cloth. Tom. Ha ! ha ! ha ! What's the use of laying the cloth, there will be no eating to-night — dare say you are hungry enough 1 ha ! ha ! ha ! Come, bundle. Capt. Harkye, what's your name ? Tom. Mister Tadpole, to you, gentlemen, who pays their way, call me Tommy, be off! trudge! Capt. But common humanity. Tom. Stuff, I was clerk to the overseer of the poor last quarter, ^nd I don't know what common humani- ty is. 2* 18 - THE HAUNTED INN. Capt, But I can write to a friend who will remit me money, get me paper, pen and ink. Tom. Well, the Sun and Whalebone won't be much out of pocket by that. (X /o ^0 I'll !=tand the sprat to cotch (he herring. Jenn}^, half a quarter of a sheet of paper! There's no ink in the bottle, but I'll bring you a little mushroom ketchup ! Why, he's never a pen — if you'd a quill j^ou could make a pen ? The old goose has just gone into her pen, I'll give her a twitch and bring you a quill in a moment. [Exit R. H, Capt. Agreeable incident! A leader of the ton, an exclusive, the delight of all parties, the favorite of the ladies, in a beggarly hedge inn without a halfpenny. Enter Jenny. L. H. with Mug. Jenny. Tommy is gone out, I'll venture, Mr. Cor- poral, you have had a long walk, perhaps this will be acceptable. (^Offers mug.') Capt. You're a beauteous Hebe offering Nectar to an exceedingly thirsty Mars. Jenny. I don't know what you mean, but it is ale. Re-enter Tommy with a quill., unseen by them, Capt. Your health, my Euphrosyne ! my Bac- chante I Tom,. {Aside.) What does he say about bis back. I say, sojer, come, none of that — mind what you are talking to the young woman about your back, and you. Miss Jenny, walk off, an't 3'ou asham'd of yourself; ugh, fie ! V/hat, at your old tricks with the sojers, before I made up to you, 3'ou had a sojer for a swan. Jenny. Swan ! Tom. Swan, or swain, one Mr. Joj^n Trot, who most likely is shot. • THE HAUNTED INN. 19 Jenny. Perhaps not, come Mr. Tadpole, you haven't got your gingerbread wife to deal with. ( Exit L. H, Capt. {Aside.') Tadpole is jealous ; uncommonly pretty girl that. Tom. Handsome is as handsome does. Capt. She will make an excellent wife to the man who is fortunate enough to gain her affections. Tom, Do you think so, sojer 1 Pll tell you a secret, she and I are going to be united in oly wedlock. Capt. Lucky dog ! And you intend to keep this snug inn. Tom. That's as it may happen. Ready Storm. Capt, Fancy the beauteous Jenny seated in the bar on market day dispensing her favors to drovers, gra- ziers, malsters, hedgers, ditchers and pig jobbers. Tom. Well. Capt. The delicate privacy of the situation for one's wife, with a leer from one, a wink from a secoiid, a coarse compliment from a third, a sly kiss from a — Tom. What did you say ? Capt. A sly kiss, she has the prettiest lip. Tom. Why Mrs. Gristle has set mixii;g here these forty years and nobody kisses her. Capt. Mrs. Gristle might sit for forty years more, and no one would salute her but her husband. Tom. No one ought, what is connubial bliss if any one is invidiously to perforate it. Capt. No one can withstand Mrs. Tadpole ; Jen- ny's a tempter. Tom. Jenny a tempter, the prettiest lip for a kiss, pig jobbers. (Aside. Calls o£\ L.) Jenny, go to bed ; coarse compliments ; leering ditches; Mrs. Tad- pole, Sojer, when you've scrawled your scrawl. 20 THE HAUNTED tNN* march— kissing. I'll draw this corporal a pint of souf beer, from the verdigrease tap ! Jenny, you tempter, go to bed. lExit L. H, Capt. Ha! ha! ha! Well, I must turn out, trudge all night, or sleep under a hay stack ! Hungry too ! At this very moment I have an engagement to eat deviPd pheasant and drink Champaign punch at the Clarendon. Enter Mr. Gristle in his night cap, L. H. Capt, Is this old gentleman walking in his sleep ? Storm without. Oris, You hear the rain and the thunder, don't you? Capt. . D'ye think I am deaf? Gris. Will not a good fire, a hot supper, and a dry roof be more agreeable than turning out in the wet. Capt. Who makes your night caps ? Gris. Who ? Why Annabella, that's one comfort, Capt. Annabella ? Gris. Annabella comes this way. Capt. (^Aside.') Annabella! Oh! some smart con- descending cousin, {Enter Mrs. G. in night cap.) Mother Shipton, by all that's marvellous. Mrs. G. Euphemius, Euphemius ! Capt. {Aside.) Conjuring ! uttering maledictions — anathema — pray Goody, by what names do you call your spirits ? Mrs. G. Old Tom Hodge's host and peppermint. Gris. You must know that we suspect, but we hope it isn't so — but we have reason to apprehend that it is supposed, but there's no certain proof to the con- trary yet. THE HAUNTED INN. 21 Capt. What the devil is it, good folks, any murder committed ? Gris. It may have been, M'ill you on the conditions of supper and fire, consent to sit up till day light in yonder room ? The fact is a Ghost, Capt. Oh ! a ghost ! Is that all ? I beg his ghost- ship's pardon, certainly, my compliments, I shall be happy to see him. Mrs. G. (^Shudders ) Happy to see him. Gris. Settle the business at once. (^Calls.) Jenny, light the Corporal up stairs, the cloth shall be laid. Capt. And after supper the ghost shall be laid. Enter Jenny with a candle. Gris. Take the Corporal into No. 3, on the stair- case. Jenny. Mum, No. 3, the haunted room on the stair- case. Capt. Yes, my dear, like Don Giovanni, 1 am going to sup with the ghost. Mrs. G. Jenny, go quick. Jenny. Yes, ye, yes, aunt, I won't go alone ; come Mr. soldier, let me take care of you. (^Taking hold of his arm.') Capt. Good night, Euphemius — Fare thee well, An- nabella, Shipton I Come along, little Candelabra, ha ! ha ! ha ! [^Exeunt Jenny and Capt. L. H. Storm. [Exeunt Mr. & Mrs. G. L. H. Scene 3. — ^ room — in the room across the back is a gallery^ with several doors leading to other apart- ments — A stair case from the gallery to the stage. 22 THE HAUNTED INN. Captain at a table — Jenny arranging, Jenny. Oh, didn't you hear a noise ? Capt. Cats, my dear, cats, mere midnight orgies ; you don't call (his a room, pretty lass ? It's a sort of landing place. Jenny. Vm so frightened I don't know what it is, but here you are to sit all night. {Jlside,') If you are not flown away "With. Capt. Then we'll have this table a little more out of the current of air. {They bring it forward.') Why are you so alarmed ? I shall not hurt you. Jenny. Lauk, Mr. Corporal, I'm not afear^d of you. Capt. You are a devilish pretty girl, Jennj'. Jenny. Ye, yes, Sir, {Jlpart.') At twelve o^clock it will stalk across that gallery. Capt. A raw head and bloody bone^. Jenny. Ugh ! for mercy's sake. Capt. Why Jenriy, how your little heart beats, what ! frightened— collect yourself — 1 never saw but one ghost in my life. Jenny. Ah ! where was that ? Capt. The ghost in. Hamlet. Jenny. And isn't this a Hamlet — oh {Thunder) goodness see there — a light. Capt. Where? Jenny. There ! {Falls into Captain^s arms over- come with terror. J\lr. and Mrs. Gristle cross the gal- lery with candle from L. to R. in their night dresses. Mrs. G, Come, Euphemius. Ready ^ clock 12. Capt. Mother Shipton in deshabille. Gris. The soldier is there, that's one comfort. THE HAUNTED INN. 23 Capt. Ccme, come, JenTiy, its only your uncle Eephemius and your aunt Annabella. Mrs. G. Jenny, go to bed. Jenny, Yes, aunt, ah aunt, ours is but a hamlet — and the Corporal has seen a ghost too in his hamlet. (^Ascends stairs^ enters a door. Mr. Sc Mrs. G. go into another door on the gallery^ bidding '•* Good night.''' Capt, Good night, lassie, that girl is too pretty for Mr. Tadpole. (Seats himself.) And now his serene highness the spectre may appear as soon as convenient. (^Lights a cigar.) I suppose Sir Tomkyn Probe has furnished Corporal Trot with rations and quarters, thanks to the perturbation of the Gristles, I have ob- tained a night's lodging and can puff my cigar at ease. (V Clock strikes 12.) " Now is the very witching time of night, *^ When church yards yawn." Captain Levant, my good fellow, you must ^reform, discard dissipation, avoid hazard, cut Newmarket, and pay your tailor. {Attempts to snuff candle and puts it out.) Confusion, I have snuffed my solitary candle out, here's a commence, if I could find my way up that stair case to mother Sliipton's room. (A. rattling of chains withouf.) What's that ? the cart horses coming to bed ? A light appears. (Tommy attired fantastically as a ghost,, a lantern in his hand and drag' ging heavy chains^ appears in the gallery. Capt. Ha ! the spectre. (Conceals behind table.) A frightful object truly, it's lips move, what denuncia- tion is it about to utter? Tom.. Somebody been smoking, there's a smell of fresh bacca. Capt. This is an olfactory spirit. I'om. There goes a Morgan rattler. (Shakes chains.) Now for a groan from the kitchen to the garret. — (Groans and coughs.) 24 THE HAUNTED INN. Capt. I never heard of a ghost with a cough. Tom. Curse the cough, it's the bacca. (Rattles the chains and clears his voice. Mrs. G. screams within, Tom. Ahem I I'm the ghost of Mr. Jerry Abershaw, I am hanged in chains. Capt. You lying rascal. Tom. Quit these premises. Gris. (Within.) Mercy, good spectre. Tom,. Or I'll haunt you ' evermore and be cursed to you. Capt. Here's a scoundrel. Tom. Now I've done my job. (Crosses gallery, comes down the stairs with the chain rattling after him,.) Jenny has been in a pretty pucker, never mind, poor thing, the old folks will bundle to-morrow — I shall be landlord, and won't I have a merry time on't. Capt, (In a hollow voice.) Beware ! Tom,, What the devil was that ? a voice ? Capt. Oh Tadpole, Tadpole, Tommy Tadpole ! Tom. What's that. (Trembles.) I don't believe in 'em. . Capt. Repent your sins ! '^ The hour is almost come." Tom. What's o'clock ? Capt. " When you to sulphureous and tormenting flames must render up yourself." Tom. Oh help ! murder ! they're all too frightened in their beds to help me, here's a real ghost, and I, sin- ful wretch, have been a mocking. (Falls on his knees.) I did'nt believe in 'em before — oh good spectre, go back. Capt. Go back ! Where ? Tom, To Cock Lane. Capt. (Collars and shakes him,.) You ungrateful villain, is this the way you repay the kindness of your relations and pretty Jenny ? THE HAUNTED INN. 25 Tom. By gosh, it's the Corporal, I thought you had left the house. Capt. This prank shall cost you something. Hallo ! Tom. Hush ! silence ! don't bring out the Gristles with your bawling, and you shall go snacks, promise you won't tell them to-night and I'll give you rum enough to float your cartridge box in, to-morrow morning. Capt. Up scoundrel, up ! Come forth Euphemius, come forth, Annabella ! The ghost is laid, the ghost is laid. {Mr. &c Mrs. G. and Jexnt put their heads out at the doors with lights^ screaming.^ Capt. Away, hideous spectre, away. {Canes Tom- my.) Tom. Oh don't, I give up the ghost, I give up the ghost. Capt. Gorgon, avaunt I {Beats him up the stairs across the gallery., exclaiming) '' Victoria," " Victoria," {the females continue to scream.) Act drop falls rapidly, END 01" ACT FIRST. ACT 11.— Scene 1. Jin apartment at Probe Hall, breakfast on table, Sir Tomkyn Probe discovered, John in waiting. Sir T. At what hour did the gentleman arrive last night ? John. Between eleven and twelve, Sir, and accord- ing to your directions, the housekeeper showed the gentleman to bed in The Taffeta chamber. Sir T. {Apart, taking up letter.) This from Sir Samuel is a mere introduction of his son Captain Le- 3 26 THE HAUNTED INN. vant — formal enough — not so explicit as the prior let- ter marked "private'' which is here, bearing the Wor- cester post mark. !s the Captain stirring ? John. Sir ? Sir T. The Captain, the gentleman that came last night. John. Oh yes, Sir, got up as soon as it was light. Sir T. Earlj- mililary habits. John, Seems an odd sort of gentleman, Sir. Sir T. How ? John. Notwithstanding his fine clothes, he insisted on cleaning his own boots, Sir. Sir T. Strange I John, Instead of using his dressing stand, he went and washed his face at the pump. Sir T. Wi.ry extr^ordinarj^, see if Miss Angelica is in the garden. {Exit John., Centre.) Can there be any mistake ? (Looks at letter) — " Pernjit me, my dear friend, to introduce herewitli, my son, Captain Levant, to you." That is the pith of the letter the Captain brought last night — (Takes up the ol her)— {his is the one his father. Sir Samuel Levant, sends to me by the post, from VVoroester. " By this time you will have received under your hospitable roof my son. I will not conceal from you that he is thoughtless and eccentric." Ha ! cleaning his own boots for that ! "His prevailing passion is an ardent love of tfie Turf," ha ! rubbing down the horses for that ! (Reads) " Should Captain Levant be fortunate enough to make a favorable im- pression on "your fair daughter, the sooner we can steady him by so advantageous a match for all parties the better." Enter „^ngeUca unth a rose, centre. ^ing. Good moriiing, (lapa, I have discoverrd the most b.autiuj! i'rovence rose, (l-'laces it in his coat.) THE HAUNTED INN. 27 Sir T. Thank you, my dear. »ying. Williams tells me a strane;er arrived last night after we relirtd. Sir T. A slrnnger, my love, %vho I hope will not ]oiig continue so, this letter, of which the stranger was the bearer, will explain. {Gives hlter.) *^rtg. Captain Levant arrived. Sir T. Whom I trust you will look upon with a view to your future happiness, the estate is magnifi- cent, Angelica. Jlng. I shall endeavour at all times to meet the wishes of the best of fathers, but I cannot promise to like one I have never seen. Sir T. My love, he is a hie^hly educated person. {Calls John. Enter John^ L. H.) Where is Captain Levant ? John. In the coach house. Sir. Sir T. In the coach house I Admiring the new ba- rouche, I suppose? John. No Sir, he's playing at pitch and hustle with little Bob the postillion. Sir T. Confusion ! did you tell him breakfast was ready. John. Yes, Sir, but he said if it made no odds to you he'd rather get his breakfast in the servant's hall. Sir T. fnej^plicable ! request him to join us imme- diately. {Exit John, L. H.) Jlng. What does this portend ? Sir T. Mere modern eccentricity, my dear, the young gentlemen of the present age pride themselves on their eccentricities, and I presume Captain Levant is a first rate specimen of the genu?. John. {Without.) This wa}-^, Sir. Co rj oral {Without.') What, up stairs ? Sir T. Now, my pretty Angelica, if there should 28 THE HAUNTED INN. be a little oddity in the son of my valued friend, Sir Samnel Levant, do not let the early impression preju- dice you. Enter Corporal^ L. H. in his hand a horse'^s bridle^ and head harness and blinkers which he is rubbing ; Sings, " Mr. Simpkins liv'd at Leeds, And he had a wife beside, Who as she wore the breeches, She often wishM to ride." (Sees Sir T.) This is Sir Tomkyn and his filly, I suppose. Sir T. Extraordinary looking person ; 1 am exceed- ingly happy to see you at Probe Hall, my good Sir— what are you amusing yourself wif have a little bout — Come on. {Squares at Kliqwllt.) Sir T. 1 forbid a piisjilistic encoutitt r, Ca|)lain, ynxx are lo?t forever it) my estimation. Corp. I tell you F am not Ca^tlairi LevHnt. Eiiq. Pardou Mons^itur — Sair Tonjkyn i« de be?t proof. I am ver sory, you must come to de locket up house, Shelmsford jail. Sir T. No jail, no, no, bad as he appears he is the son of nay old friend ; hark'ye n)onfienr. Etiq. Avec grand plaisir, mon?eigneur! Sir T. If I was to bail, what is the amount of the debt ? Corp. Sir Tomkyn, don't let that French fellow do you out of any thing. You shan't pay a farthiing, Sir Tomkyn, I don't owe sixpence in the world — because why, nobody will trust me. Sir T. Insufferable ! Farewell, Sir. [Exit L. Etiq, Allons done ! Corp. London ! I thought you said you were going to Chelmsford. {Calls off.) Good bye. Sir Tomkyn, come you French spider and you'll find that you have the wrong fly in your web. Beware laying hands on me! If you don't understand that in English lean gpeak French to yon. " Attendez Mounseer — Je vous donnerai un grand Trap sur votre tete bring up both votre yeux — and joue hell and Tommy avec vous for a month to come, so prenez garde. [Exeunt D. in F. Scene 2. — v3 room in the Inn. Enter Tommy, R.H. Tom. Oh my back, he caned me from my ears to my saddle ! gosh 1 what a larrupping he gave me ! I've THE HAUNTED INN. 35 done with ghost-esses and specterizing, I'm no longer hard hearted. Pm beaten till I'(n tender — the Corpo- ral hasn't peachM, I tlsiiik the Gristles are frightened out thoiigh. {Enter Mr. Gristle with luggage^ Src. L, H.) Wliat is the matter, uncle Gristle ? Gris. Don't ask ! yotir aunt has gone to the white cotfane and will never come into this house again. Here are the keys, Jenny and you must manage the Sun and Whalebone as well as you can. * Captain. {Without. R, H.) Any body inquired for nie ? Gris. Ah that soldier, brings last night's horrors to my recollection. Tom. {Jlside.^ So he does to mine. Enter Captain, R. H. Capf. {Apart.) I am getting anxious for the ex- press from Newmarket to ascertain hotv the race has gone — Well, old gentleman, any return of the ghost ? Tom. Hush I be quiet — Rum ! Capl. My dear Tadpole, you should have been present to have seen how I caned the spirit ; he'll remember the Corporal. Tom. {Aside.) Curse you and your Corporal punishment. Capt. The spectre will remember the two stripes on wy arm. Tom. {Aside ) I can't forget the hundred and two on my back. Gris. Well, good bye. Tommy, be an honest lad, never attempt to deceive me, or I have it in my power to cut you off with a sliilliug. [Exit. R. H. Capt. A lei«son to pos(prit3\ Tom. L( sson to posterity, so if ever the old gen- tleman finds out my deception, he will cut my posteri- 36 THE HAUNTED INN. ty off with a shilling — he is gone, tol, lol, de rol, lol Now I am landlord of the Sun and Wht^lebone. (^^side.^ I wish that cursed Corporal would march, though. Capt. So Mr. Tadpole, this is now j'our concern. ^ Tom. Yes, sojer, yes, I'm a licensed wktler at last' Capt. You are a happy fellow. Tom, That depends on my Jenny. Capt. And a little on me. Tom. Eh ! how ? Capt. Your uncle has just said, that if ever he* finds you out in the attempt of deceiving him, you will', not only be ejected from the house, but from his will. Tom. He said so, but what of that? Capt. Then I make the Sun and Whalebone my free quarters, as long as you are landlord. Tom. What! I dare say indeed. Capt. I will be your first customer Tadpole, yoa know I have not a penny, but I will stick to you as firmly as the old man of the sea stuck to Sinbad the sailor. Tom. Well, I suppose you are joking, Mr. Corpo- ral. Capt, You will find it a bad joke for you. Mr, Tadpole, who is the nearest magistrate iiere ? Tom. Magistrate ! Mr. Yewtree at the Priory. Why ? Capt. Only in that case, 1 should have to make an oath before him, as to the means by which you have got possession of these premises. Tom. Eh! why you wouldn't think of such a,' thing, would you ? Capt. To be sure it might turn out something like transportation for the oflTender, or a swing in the open air with your friend Mr. Jerrj' Abershaw. Tom. Bless my soul and body, you donH say so. THE HAUNTED INN. 37 Capt. {X (0 R. H.) Which is the road to Mr. iTewtree's ? Tom. {Holding him,) Staj', Corporal, don't think ai blowing me, you can't be so unfeeling. Capt. Where was your feeling, you fat ugly rascal, when for weeks past you have disturbed the repose of the whole family. Tom. Think of the larruping you gave me ! IMl make you a present of five and sixpence, and a 'bacca box, if you'll go away and say nothing, pray go. Capt. No. Tom, Stay, then, eat and drink {Aside.) and choke ; here's a pretty kettle offish — Jenny comes as merry as a grasshopper. , Enter Jenny, R. H. Jenny. So, Tommy, you are master now, and I am mistress, delicious ! as things are alter'd, I think Mr. Tadpole, as we're come to the property, one ought to go a little genteeler. Tom. There 3-ou go, the first thing that runs in a woman''s head is dress. Jenny. Mrs, Twiggler, the travelling milliner, is in the parlour. Tom. Well, what of that ? Jenny. She has the svreetest cap, the prettiest bon- net, and such a love of a riding habit — 1 long for them. Tom. I'll trouble you not to begin longing, Jenny. Jenny. I'm sure you ought to afiford to see your fu- ture partner in life looking decent. Tom. I hope you will look decent, and beware of the pig jobbers. {Winking at Capt.) Eh, Corporal ! Jenny. But I want, really want the articles. Tom, Want ! you've more wants than the Times 4 38 THE HAUNTED LNN. newspaper, and theyVe two columns of 'em — I shan': give you any thing, and that's flat. Capf. {Aside.) I must interfere ! Tadpole! go U Mrs. Twiggle, my good fellow, buy the bonnet, the cap, and the riding habit, and present them to prettj Jenny. Tom. U I do, I'll be— Capt. You won't, very well — across the field leads to Mr. Justice Yewtree's. {Going.) Tom. Ugh I Curse you, (Calls off.) here, Mrs, Twiggle, shew us your crinkum crankums. {Exit R.) Capt. Tommy is so sweet tempered, he will refuse me nothing. Jenny. Dear Mr. Corporal, have you killed the ghost ? Capt. Yes, and sent it to be pickled in the Red Sea : {Gazes at her. Re-enter Tommy, with the bon- net on his head, cap and habit in his hand.) Capt. How 1 love her innocence. Tom. Loves her innocence, pretty innocence it will be. Capt. One ki?s, Jenny, for killing the ghost. Jenny. {Hangs her head.) There's no harm in a kiss. {Captain kisses her.) Tom. {comes between them.) Ahem! here's the things from Mrs. Twiggler's. Jenny. Oh, you dear Tommy. Tom. Dear Jezabel, oh Jenny, you're a Hadder in my bussum. Capt. No, no, she will be an adder to your com- forts, forgive him, Jenny. Jenny. {Offering her hand.) Tommy. Tom. I'm like a Tom Tit on a bird lime twig. Come here, Jenny — grinning rascal. {Shakes hands.) There, THE HAUxNTED INN. 39 run away and enjoy your finery, you little cock- a too, you. Jtnny. Thank'ye Tommy. \_Exit^ L. II. ToM3iT in meditation^ Captaiiv slaps him on (he back. Capt. Come, my joyous Tadpole, you have not time to be thoughtful. Be alive, roast some ducks, boil some fowl?, grill some pigeons, and deril some biscuits, go to the cellar and bring iialf a dozen of the best wine, I'm liberal in my orders, tho' I have not sixpence. Tom. Ducks, wine, indeed — I'm ruined, involved like a blue bottle in Treacle, I'll try and frighten hira by a fixed and determined look. {Puts his hands in his pockets and stares at Captain.) Do you notice the expression of my face ? Capt, It is beyond all expression, a little sage and onions with the ducks, I'adpole ! Tom. (^Calls off.) Jenny, where did you put^ the ratsbane I brought home t'other day ? Capt. Ratsbane ! Tom. U I should in the anxiety and the agitation in which you put me, spill some of the ratsbane into the duck's gravy, lauk a'mercy on those that eat it. Capt. '« A weak invention of the enemy," what, add murder to robbery ? Mark me, sirrah ! Tom. Yes, don't be passionate. Capt. A good dinner, the best wine, none of your red ink ! All these with civility, or you know what will happen, you are in my power. Ha ! ha ! ha 1 [Exit, R. H, Tom. I know I'm in j-our power, but I can't ha ! ha I ha! afterv,'ards — what a feller, even pisen won't frighten him. Til try and 'tice him out in the yard and shove him down the well. [^Exit, R. H. 40 THE HAUNTED INN. ScEXE 3d. — ^Another room in the Inn — Corporal seated with a pipe^ ExiauETTE pulling the Bell, Etiq. Vy dey no come ! ver odd, de Capitaine should smoke de vulgar pipe. {Rings.) Dis a house of entertainment ? {Voices ivithin.) "Landlord." Corp. I think it is a house of call — I am certain the pretty girl in the bar is mj own Jenny Tuft. Enter Tommy with a Newspaper.^ R. H. Etiq. Are you de vaiter ? To7n, No, the landlord. Etiq, Bring a post chaise. Tom. Post chaise ? Etiq, Oui, post chaise to go ver fast, avec quatre chevaux. Tom» I don't understand gibberish. Etiq, Quatre chevaux. Post chaise, vid quatre horses. Tom. A post chaise with cart horses ? Do you think you will go any faster for that ? Etiq. Oui, vite, vite, allez vous en, I must get to Shelmsford tout suite. Tom. Sweet ! no one wants to prevent your going to Chelmsford, sweet! {Gives newspaper to Corporal.) Look at the County Chronicle, sir ? {Voices without.) " Landlord." Tom. Ther6"'s the pig jobbers again, and dash it, a fellow staring at Jenny like a cod fish. I must inves- tigate my prerogative. [^Exit R. THE HAUNTED INN. 41 £n/er Captain, laughing, R. H. Capt. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Lynx-eyed Tommy watches Jenny closely ! Hey, the Corporal I Trot shakes his head significantly and affects to read. Capt. Won't speak, some mo