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 Copyright 1893, by W. S. Trigg. 
 

 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS 
 
 READINGS 
 
 BY 
 
 J AS. F. PARSONS 
 
 <« 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 Recitations, Essays, Stories, and Readings, suitable for 
 
 Entertainments, Lodges, Clubs, and the 
 
 Home Circle 
 
 <d 
 
 SECOND EDITION, 
 
 
 
 New York : 
 W. S. TRIGG. 
 
 1894, 
 
 o y 
 
/sir 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 An Essay on Cats, . . . 5 
 
 New Recipes dot Everypody Ought do Use, . 9 
 
 When I Was Young, . . . . .12 
 
 Economy, ....... 16 
 
 My First Ride on a Toboggan, . . .19 
 New Rules for Blaying dot Game off Base Ball, 26 
 
 An Old Maid's Trip to New York, . . .28 
 
 A Boy's Composition on Eggs, ... 35 
 
 The Little Boy and the Bee, . . . .37 
 
 When the Millennium is Coming, ... 40 
 
 How I Lost My Yatch, . . . . .42 
 
 Broverbs and Maxims Mit a Dutch Accent, . 43 
 
 The Boy's Cat, . . . . . .47 
 
 De Game off Base Ball, «... 50 
 
 The Harse that Mike Flynn Bought, . . 5J 
 
 De Wedder Reports, . . ... 58 
 
 My First Experience in Love, . • .60 
 
 He Wanted a Perfect Girl, ... 66 
 
 De Yay Simon Took de Pig to Mr. Spiegles, . 67 
 
 De Folks all Grab Hold of My Ear, . . 70 
 
 Old Mother Hubbard (A Boy's Recitation), . 71 
 
 De Colored Debating Society, ... 72 
 
 A Boy's Essay on the Round Clam, . . .76 
 
 He Hasn't Done Anything Since, . . 80 
 
 My First Fishing Trip, . . . . .81 
 
 The Church Festival Auction, ... 87 
 
 Only a Street Car Conductor, ' . , . 88 
 
 Reuben's First Trip to the City with His Gal, 90 
 
 iii 
 
ORIGINAL HUMOROUS 
 READINGS. 
 
 AN ESSAY ON CATS. 
 
 A cat is a domestic animal. It has four legs, 'two 
 eyes, two ears, one tail, and voice enough for a whole 
 neighborhood. 
 
 A cat is an old maid's companion.- 
 
 It lives under barns and in back-yards nights, and 
 sleeps under the stove and in old maids' laps during 
 the day. 
 
 It generally sleeps with one eye and both ears open, 
 when the small boy is in the house near it. A cat is 
 a boarding-house for fleas, and its chief delight is to 
 keep the fleas moving and to watch the canary bird. 
 
 It takes life as easy as some policemen. The differ- 
 ence between them is that the cat don't sleep on his 
 beat nights. It always keeps awake. It keeps all of 
 the neighbors awake also. 
 
 A cat is always very affectionate just before it is 
 fed. A kitten is a cat but a cat is not a kitten. 
 When a cat is a kitten it loves to catch mice; but 
 when it becomes a cat it sometimes gets above that 
 business. 
 
 Cats' fur is sometimes used to maka sealskin cloaks. 
 
 5 
 

 6 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 Some cats are great hunters, but the principal thing 
 they hunt for is a warm place on which to lay and 
 sleep. 
 
 There are a great many kinds of cats, but they all 
 look alike when a dog is after them. Then they fly 
 for the nearest tree. They can't fly fur, but they can 
 make the fur fly. 
 
 Some cats have good dispositions, but we don't find it 
 out until they are dead. Very few cats live long 
 enough to die natural deaths. 
 
 My first recollection of a cat is when I was three 
 years of age. My mother gave me a cat to play with, 
 but she forgot to tell me how to play with it. The 
 first thing I did was to put the end of the cat's tail in 
 my mouth and bite. It was also the last thing that I 
 did to the cat; for as soon as the cat realized that a 
 three-year-old boy was trying to bite its tail off, it 
 began to show signs of life. It began to scratch, and 
 hiss, and kick, and spit, and dig, and bite, and how], 
 and growl. It seemed as if there were fireworks 
 going off all around me, and it sounded as if there 
 were four or five brass bands playing different tunes 
 at the same time. When the cat got through with 
 me, my mother picked me up for dead. I was cov- 
 ered from head to foot with scratches, and I had a 
 piece of the cat's tail, about two inches long, in my 
 mouth. 
 
 The last that we saw of the cat it was going at a 
 two forty gait and looked as if it wanted to get to 
 England in an hour. That was the last cat that I e\ er 
 played with. 
 
 A cat has nine lives. Its first life is taken from i t 
 when it is a kitten. It is then tied up in an old salt 
 bag with a brick around its neck, and thrown into the. 
 liver. It manages to make its escape and reaches 
 
AN ESSAY ON CATS. ? 
 
 home before you do. It loses its other eight lives in 
 various ways, according to its standing in society. 
 
 Cats love milk and children, but they don't like the 
 bald-headed end of a broom. 
 
 Some people like black cats, some like gray, but I 
 like a white cat the best ; for you can see it better than 
 any other color on a dark night, and you can get a bet- 
 ter shot at it. 
 
 A cat is a target for slingshots, brick-bats, old boots, 
 snow-balls, tomato cans, etc. ; but the cat is always 
 about three feet ahead of anything that is thrown at 
 it and always escapes unhurt . 
 
 Some people think that a cat's tail was made for a 
 handle, but they don't want to take hold of the handle 
 more than once . 
 
 When a cat is going to fight, it inflates its tail, 
 arches its back, and looks like a suspension bridge. A 
 cat's tail always trembles when it fights, and makes 
 a noise like a saw-mill. The cat that is getting licked 
 always makes the worst noise. A bobtail cat looks as 
 undignified as a college professor in a bathing suit. 
 
 I have a cat. His name is Adolf. He is beloved by 
 all his friends, who are very few in number. He has 
 but three legs. He lost the other one in a railroad 
 accident. He has but one eye. He had the other one 
 put out about the time the boy who lives next door 
 owned a slingshot. The end of his tail is gone. The 
 children cut it off to make paint brushes with it. He 
 has a sweet voice, but it lacks cultivation, and a cat's 
 voice without cultivation is like the sound of an old 
 saw running across a nail, and is appreciated only by 
 deaf people. 
 
 He can do a great many tricks. 
 
 His chief trick is to steal meat from the pantry. 
 
 He never refuses to eat between meals, and he always 
 
8 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 has an unsatisfied appetite. He jwill eat anything 
 from nothing to everything. 
 
 His front teeth are gone. He broke them in trying 
 to eat a piece of baker's pie. 
 
 He has brought home, tied to his tail, all the tin 
 pails that we have needed for use in our family. 
 
 He has got a pound of shot in his body, and his back 
 looks like an old moth-eaten muff. 
 
 He has twice been struck with a club and left for 
 dead. 
 
 He has been poisoned four times, and he has been 
 drowned once every month for two years. 
 
 He brought home a pack of fire crackers once, and 
 now every Fourth of July feigns sickness and will not 
 leave the house during the day. 
 
 He never caught but one mouse, and that was dead 
 when it was given to him. When he saw it he ran 
 away and did not come back for three days. When, 
 he returned he had a steel trap on one leg, and an 
 old hoop skirt tied to his tail. 
 
 His fur used to be marked in many beautiful colors. 
 It was cardinal blue, and navy red, and dark black, 
 and fight white; but he has been marked so many 
 times with broom-handles, and boot-jacks, and pokers, 
 that it is fast losing its color, and he now looks like an 
 old dish-rag. 
 
RECIPES DOT EVERYPODY OUGHT DO USE. § 
 
 NEW RECIPES DOT EVERYPODY OUGHT DO USE. 
 
 ONION SALAD. 
 
 Ged von good strong healthy onion, und kill id. 
 
 Ged a hammer und a nail, und drive de smell oud 
 off it. Soak id in kerosene oil two seconds. Boil de 
 onion in de oven. Pour de salad over de onion undil 
 id resolves. Pud a little powder indo id, und fire id 
 off. 
 
 MINCE-PIE. 
 
 Ged a piece off rubber und cut oud de under crust. 
 Scollop de edges mit de shears. Buy four bounds off 
 cow's neck at von cent a bound. Chop id up undil id 
 vas chopped. Chop up von peck off apples, basket 
 und all. Add von yard off red flannel und a peck 
 off sawdust. Give id two coats off varnish. Cook id 
 von hour und sixteen inches. 
 
 BEEFSTEAK. 
 
 Ged von pound off round tenderloin porter-house 
 rack-steak. Pound de steak mit a hammer undil id 
 looks like liver. Den run id drough de clothes-wringer. 
 Den you led de children play base ball mit id undil id 
 vas dender. Pud id off de pan. Change id on ids 
 both sides pefore id vas done. Wipe id off dry mit a 
 wet dowel undil id vas moist. Add de dowel. Cook 
 id undil you vas tired. Serve id do some off. your 
 enemies. 
 
10 ORIGINAL HUMOBOUS BEADING'S. 
 
 LEMON CAKE. 
 
 Dake de yolks off five lemons. Beat dem undil day 
 vas plack und plue. Grade in von quard off nutmegs. 
 Wash off von bind off milk, und pud did in. Add 
 von bar off soap. Pud in von fried oranges. Let id 
 remain undil id begins do ged ripe. Leave id in de 
 oven undil you remove id. 
 
 SPONGE CAKE. 
 
 Dake four bounds off cranulated sugar. Von spoon- 
 full mit flour. Bake two eggs, und dake de yolks 
 off de eggs. Pour in four or dree large, medium-sized 
 small sponges. Add von salt. Add von quard off mo- 
 lasses uf you can borrow id. Bake de cake quickly 
 before de children geds home from school. Pud id 
 away in a dry blace undil you vas alone und den ead 
 id. Sdir de cake well pefore you begin to commence 
 do cook id. 
 
 ICE CREAM. 
 
 In de first blace, you ged ten pounds off goot, sweet, 
 clear ice. Be sure dot de ice vas not sour or mouldy, 
 or second-hand. Dake a hot flat-iron und iron id out 
 smooth. Wrap id around a dable-spoonfull mit 
 cream. Led id stand undil id cools off varm. Add 
 hot caryaway seed do suit de taste. Stuff id mit 
 milk, und ead id slowly. 
 
 FISH. 
 
 First you vas go fishing. Dake along a hook und 
 line und half a dollar, und catch a fish. Ged your 
 vife do dress id for you. Cook id Friday, for dey fry, 
 
- RECIPES LOT EVERYBODY OUGHT BO USE. H 
 
 dey say, bedder on dat day. Hold an umprellaofer id 
 ven id vas cooking, so de flavor vill not got avay. 
 Ged some von do pick de bones oud for you. Ead id 
 imdil you ged hungry. 
 
 SHORT-CAKE. 
 
 Ged a small boy do pick you two quards off berries 
 at von cent a quard. Roll de berries oud mid a rol- 
 ling-pin. Add de juce of seven lemons. Dake von 
 cub off oatmeal und a pocketful mit rye flour. Stir id 
 mit a lead pencil No. 2. Cook id undil id gets do a 
 seal-skin brown. If you expect your mudder-in-law 
 do subber, burn de bottom off de cake a little. 
 
 SAUERKRAUT. 
 
 Ged a small kraut und pud id in a pail. Buy von 
 pint off good, sweet, large cabbages. Remove de peel. 
 Ged von quard off good, sweet vinegar. Chop de vin- 
 egar up indo small slices." Pour de cabbages over de 
 vinegar. Led id remain undil id begins do ferment. 
 Den ead id ven you have got a cold in your head. 
 
 TURKEY. 
 
 You ged an alive durkey und dake him oud in de 
 yard und ring his neck mit an ax. Den took him in 
 de house und pull his fedders avay from him, den 
 burn his fedders off, den kill him. Pud him avay 
 und den make de stuflfin. To make de stuffm you 
 ged some stail bread. De best blace to ged de stail 
 bread vas at a Sunday-school picnic. Soak de 
 bread in wet vater, und pud id in a choppin' bowl nut 
 some sage, und de durkey gizzard, und some eggs, und 
 pepper, und oyster-shells, und chop dem up together, 
 
12 OBIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 Den stuff de durkey und sew him mit some string. 
 Den put him in de oven. Baste him once und a vile 
 mit a club. Keep a good fire going night und day till 
 he vas done. 
 
 LIMBURGER CHEESE. 
 
 You ged some skin-milk. Skin de milk in de morn- 
 ing. Pour id indo a tub. Put in two flies. Led id 
 stand undil id gets tired. Then let id sit down. Pour 
 de cheese into pails to mould id. (Dot's where 
 mouldy cheese comes from.) Set id oud in de yard till 
 id becomes of age. Build a fence around id, so dot id 
 vill not get avay. Ven de cheese begins to walk 
 around id vas ready do ead. 
 
 BEAN SOUP. 
 
 Boil four quards off wader undil it vas brown. 
 Bore a hole in de wader mit a gimlet und pud in von 
 cub of salt. Den pour in von bean; stir de bean 
 around mit a proom-handle undil de bean resolves. 
 Grade in some horse-radishes. If you keep a board- 
 ing-houses, pud in some more wader. Cut id up in 
 din slices mit a hot knife. 
 
 WHEN I WAS YOUNG. 
 
 [This piece should be read, or recited with a " lisp."] 
 
 I'll twy and speak a little piece, 
 
 About myself to you ; 
 I'll tell you 'bout when I was young, 
 
 And what I used to do, 
 
WHEN I WAS YOUNG. 13 
 
 The folks all said that I was smart, 
 
 When I was v^^y small, 
 -But my father did not think 
 
 Like other folks at all. 
 
 He said I was " too smart " to live, 
 I ought to die quite young; 
 
 He shook his head — I heard him say, 
 "Some day he will be hung." 
 
 I thought that he was down on me, 
 
 I couldn't tell what for; 
 The more I tried to do " smart things,' 5 
 
 The more he whipped me more. 
 
 One time I wore my brother's pants, 
 (We had company that day), 
 
 I told um 'bout it. Pa was mad 
 And said I'd give um away. 
 
 But I didn't give um away, 
 For I wore um all the while, 
 
 And when I told the company so, 
 It made um laugh a smile. 
 
 When my Ma would go away, 
 I would sit down by > the hour, 
 
 And eat canned pears and peaches, 
 To keep um from gitting sour. 
 
 And when I'd fill myself up full, 
 
 Oh, how bad I'd feel; 
 Then I would think about 
 
 It being wrong to steal. 
 
 I used to pull the pussy's tail, 
 
 And tease my little sister; 
 And I told big sister's "beau, 
 
 That I saw him when he kissed her, 
 
14 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 And then his face got awful red, 
 
 And just before he went, 
 He called me over to him 
 
 And gave me a bran new cent. 
 
 So I used to tell each one I met, 
 'Bout my sister kissin' her beau; 
 
 I thought they would give me a cent apiece, 
 But somehow they didn't, though. 
 
 One day Sam (that's her feller) said, 
 
 If I wouldn'kiell no more, 
 He would give me fifteen pennies, 
 
 And I could spend um at the store. 
 
 I went to the store and told the man 
 I wanted chewing-gum, candy and honey; 
 
 He looked at the fifteen cents, and said, 
 " Where did you get so much money? " 
 
 I told him I got it for not tellin' 
 
 'Bout my sister kissin' Sam; 
 And then he laughed, and said he thought 
 
 That Sam must be a clam. 
 
 But I don't think that Sam's a clam, 
 For clams don't wear no clothes, 
 
 And clams don't wear suspenders, 
 And clams don't have no beaus. 
 
 And clams don't give boys pennies 
 For not tellin' what they see, 
 
 And I don't think that he's a clam 
 No more than you or me. 
 
 And clams don't walk around and talk, 
 Or whistle, or speak, or sing, 
 
 And I don't think that any clam 
 Can do a single thing, 
 
 But drink salt water, eat and sleep, 
 
 Inside their muddy bed, 
 And when you speak about their girl, 
 
 I don't think clams turn red. 
 
WEEN 1 WAS YOUNG. 15 
 
 One day the minister came in 
 
 To make a call on Ma; 
 When mother saw him coming, 
 
 She sighed and said: " Oh, pshaw! 
 
 *' I'm caught." But in he come, 
 
 And said: "What! ironing early Monday?" 
 Then I spoke up and said, 
 "Oh, yes, she washes Sunday." 
 
 And then I knew that Ma was mad, 
 She gave me such a smile ; 
 
 She said, come Jim, run out of doors 
 And play a little while. 
 
 And when she said run out and play, 
 I knew that meant for me 
 
 To go up-stairs and fix myself, 
 To get upon her knee. 
 
 And when I get upon her knee, 
 It won't be to sit down; 
 
 For when the pastor goes away, 
 Ma's smile will be a frown. 
 
 And when she takes me on her knee, 
 With my face toward the floor, 
 
 You'll see her take her slipper off, 
 And then you'll hear me roar. 
 
 And then you'll hear an awful noise, 
 
 It sounds just like a gun, 
 And then you'll hear a yell (that's me); 
 
 That's a sign the fun's begun. 
 
 And then you'll see the slipper rise, 
 And then you'll hear it fall; 
 
 When Ma gets through I'll be sore; — 
 I can't sit down at all. 
 
16 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 ECONOMY. 
 
 During the progress of civilization, it has been nec- 
 essary for some of our thinking and learned men to 
 write essays, treatises and poems upon subjects of 
 interest to us all. We have written from time to 
 time, and from period to period, and from comma 
 to comma upon these subjects. 
 
 Owing to the introduction of the toboggan slide 
 in our midst, and the reduction of peanuts to ten 
 cents a quart, and the high price of sealskin sacques, 
 I have selected for my theme at this time the subject 
 of Economy. It is a subject of interest to all who 
 are interested in the subject. Let us stop a moment 
 and think, ponder, reflect, consider. 
 
 ' ' Are — we — economizing ? If not, why not ? If we 
 are, why are we ? 
 
 Don't be too unnecessary or too squanderashus or 
 extravagant. 
 
 Save! Save! SAVE!! 
 
 Go to the ant and consider her ways ; if your 
 aunt is not at home, consider the ways of your 
 " uncle." 
 
 Look at the busy little bee (be sure you look him in 
 the eye). How he toils during the summer months, 
 laying up honey for the farmer to sell in the winter. 
 He skips about from twig to branch (the honey bee 
 not the farmer). He skips about from twig to branch, 
 extracting the sweet necktie — I mean extracting the 
 sweet nectar — from this flower and that flower, 
 gathering a little honey here and' stinging a little 
 boy there, passing the time joyously and happily 
 
ECONOMY. 17 
 
 away. No thought of care enters his heart. He has 
 many enemies to be sure, but they hurt him not, for 
 he has a weapon more to be feared than the barking 
 of the elephant or the roar of the snake. 
 
 Do not provoke his displeasure, for if in his anger he 
 should snuggle up against you, he would send a 
 thrill thrilling through your being which is far differ- 
 ent from that delightful sensation produced by kiss- 
 ing a girl. 
 
 Economize ! Economize ! Economize ! 
 
 Save, lay up, be frugal. Marry a small girl, for it 
 will not take so much cloth to make her a dress. 
 
 It is a good thing to economize when you have 
 anything to economize with, but when you have 
 nothing with which to economize you have to exercise 
 great economy in economizing. 
 
 It is a good thing to lay up money for a rainy day, 
 and when old age creeps upon us and our hair ceases to 
 sprout, and grow, and increase, and baldness prevails, 
 and the wrinkles multiply upon our brows and fore- 
 heads, and our teeth are no more, it is great satis- 
 faction to know that we have the money to purchase 
 food to sustain life. And we feel like exclaiming in 
 the words of the great Italian poet, — " Luxus emhigo 
 prosha," which means in English, "rats." 
 
 Man is naturally a dissatisfied being, owing no doubt 
 to his being dissatisfied. There are a few exceptions, 
 but they are very rare. The reason they are so rare 
 is because there are so few of them. 
 
 It is good to economize in all things. 
 
 Eat but one meal a day. 
 
 Eat your meat and x>otatoes raw and save fuel. 
 
 Go to bed at dark and don't light the gas, and you 
 will save the gas bill. 
 
 When you are cold, instead of squandering, your 
 2 
 

 18 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 money upon coal and wood go out into some lot and 
 play tag with, some one, and you will soon get warm. 
 
 Make it a point to lay up something every day, 
 even if you have to borrow from your neighbors to 
 do it. 
 
 When you are young run in debt for your roast 
 beef and turkey and lobster, so that you can lay up 
 money with which to purchase liver and pork-steak 
 when you are old and have to pay cash for it. 
 
 Eat oleomargarine on your bread instead of lard. 
 
 If you have a family, when you cook bread and 
 potatoes, burn them thoroughly, so that the children 
 will not eat as much as they would if they were 
 cooked nicely. 
 
 Always call on your friends about supper time, and 
 hang around until you get an invitation to supper. 
 And if you have a chance, slip some cookies and 
 cheese in your pocket to give to the children, when 
 you get home, instead of whipping them with your 
 slipper and wearing it out. Kill two birds with one 
 stone, and punish them at night by sending them to 
 bed without their supper and you will save the price 
 of their supper, and also save the wear and tear on 
 the slipper. 
 
 If you punish them frequently, they will soon learn 
 to go to bed without eating their supper, which will 
 be a large saving. For a healthy child can destroy a 
 large amount of food at one meal. 
 
 Cut your bread in thick slices, so that you will not 
 use so much butter. 
 
 When you bake cake don't cook it too much. 
 Make it doughy, and a little of it will go a great 
 way. 
 
 We can learn a lesson in economy from the 
 animals. 
 
MY FIRST HIDE ON A TOBOGGAN SLIDE. 19 
 
 Look at the polar bear, who devours but seven 
 Esquimaux a year. His meals are few and far be- 
 tween. He eats snow for_breakfast, and slides around 
 on the ice for dinner, and drinks ice water for supper. 
 
 Let us all economize. If we are getting but ten 
 dollars a day let us try and save, forty cents a week, 
 and by the time we are one hundred and fifty years 
 old we will have $312.00, which will be enough to live 
 on for the rest of our lives. Economize. 
 
 MY FIRST RIDE ON A TOBOGGAN SLIDE. 
 
 " Have you ever been down the toboggan slide ? " 
 
 That was the question that was put to me a short 
 time ago by a young lady friend of mine. 
 
 I answered, "No." 
 
 Then, said she, " You do not know what real enjoy- 
 ment is. It is delightful, glorio^is, magnificent, 
 grand, and I would say in the words of Shakespeare, 
 It is immense." 
 
 I said, " Describe it to me." 
 
 She said, " It is indescribable. Bui imagine, if you 
 can, the walk from your house on soi ne bright, crisp, 
 winter evening, when the moon is shedding its silvery 
 rays upon the earth, causing the a now and ice to 
 sparkle like a thousand diamonds, the pure winter 
 air causing the blood to flow through your veins with 
 renewed vigor, and bringing the gj'.ow of youth to 
 your cheeks. 
 
 "You arrive at the slide feeling greatly benefited 
 by your walk. There you will find a spacious room 
 

 20 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 well lighted, and with a bright fire burning in the 
 stove. You select your toboggan, pass out of the 
 door to the right, and you are in the presence of the 
 slide. There you are greeted by the sound of merry- 
 laughter, mingled with the shouts of joyous glee. All 
 is life and activity. * The scene is one that you will 
 not soon forget. You trip lightly up the stairs. 
 Your toboggan is placed in position, you seat yourself 
 upon it, the word is given, and off you go. 
 
 "Gently it starts, then with increased velocity it 
 speeds on its way, causing a thrill of enjdpment to 
 pass through you. You soon reach the end of the 
 slide. Your toboggan gently touches a pile of hay ; 
 you dismount. A delightful walk back, and the ex- 
 perience is repeated. OETlt is grand ! " 
 
 I told the young lady that I should like to try hV 
 A short time after my friend presented me with a 
 toboggan ticket, and I longed for the time- to come 
 when I could use it. 
 
 The time soon came. Ah, too soon, for my joy was 
 turned to sorrow. I started for the slide as my friend 
 had told me, but the walk out there did not make the 
 blood course through my veins worth a cent. The 
 glow of youth did not appear on my cheeks as my 
 friend had said it would, but my nose turned blue, 
 and I froze my ears. I had forgotten to wear gloves, 
 and my hands were soon numb with the cold. 
 
 The moon was under a cloud and the diamonds on 
 the snow and ice were very scarce. I took a short 
 cut across lots, and I ran into a barbed wire fence and 
 tore a hole a foot long in my pants. I arrived at the 
 slide played out. 
 
 I sat clown to rest. After I had recovered my 
 breath, I selected a toboggan and followed the crowd. 
 J raTired at the bottom of the stairs, and such a flight 
 
MY FIRST BIDE ON A TOBOGGAN SLIDE. 21 
 
 of stairs I had never seen before. The upper end 
 seemed to be resting on the clouds. Well, I grasped 
 my toboggan and took a long breath, and started up 
 the stairs. 
 
 Did you ever try to carry a toboggan in a crowd? 
 It is easy; try it once. If you can't get a toboggan, 
 get an old cellar door, or a ladder, and try to steer it 
 through a crowd, Well, I started up the stairs. I 
 climbed up for about ten minutes, and I stopped to 
 rest, and I turned around to look down to see bow 
 far* from the ground I was,— when bang!— the man 
 below me ran his toboggan into my cheek. I turned 
 around to apologize for interfering with his progress 
 when my toboggan hit him in the head and knocked 
 his hat off. Some one below me yelled, "Keep mov- 
 ing up above there," and I turned and started up the 
 stairs on the run, and I slipped, and fell, and struck 
 my shins on the stairs, and my chin hit the railing, 
 and I knocked two of my teeth almost out. My to- 
 boggan slewed around sideways and hit a post, and 
 broke in two. After I had rubbed my shins, and said 
 "Ck>sh!" two or three times to ease my mind, I 
 started along again. I began to wonder how many 
 stairs there were in the flight, and I had counted as 
 far as forty -three, when bang ! the toboggan next to 
 me struck me in the back of the head, and a voice 
 from behind me gently roared, "Hurry along up, 
 there ! " 
 
 Then I began to "git." 
 
 When I do get a move on m&*E "move lively." I 
 looked up and saw that the man ahead of me was 
 about twenty feet away. So I made my calculations 
 and started on the run, but alas ! 1 forgot to calculate 
 for the length of the toboggan ahead of me. All of a 
 sudden, I felt my toboggan strike something, and it 
 
22 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 brought me up all standing, and I made up my mind 
 that I would sit down, and sit down I did very 
 promptly. 
 
 The man ahead of me made up his mind that he 
 would sit down also, and he decided that he would sit 
 down in the same place that I did, but as I got there 
 first, he came down on me, oh, so gently ! 
 
 When I was young, I did not object to holding a girl 
 on my lap, but I do not enjoy it very much when I 
 am holding a man that would weigh two hundred and 
 forty pounds. I did not know whether to apologise, 
 or offer to whip him. I finally said, ' ' Ah there, but 
 don't stay there ! " 
 
 At last we got straightened out, and he turned to 
 me and said : 
 
 1 ' This is my first experience here, and I guess I am 
 to blame for this." 
 
 I said, " Give me your hand, stranger. This is my 
 first experience here, too. Exciting, ain't it ?" 
 
 He said he thought it was rather exciting. 
 
 I said, ' ' I wonder if it is any worse going down 
 than it is coming up? " 
 
 He said he hoped not. 
 
 We started along and at last reached the top of the 
 slide. As there was a light there I thought that I 
 would make an examination and see how much there 
 was left of me. 1 found that I had lost one of my 
 rubbers, and that there was a hole in my coat. (I felt 
 badly about that, for T had borrowed the coat.) Two 
 of my teeth were loose, I had a black eye, and my 
 toboggan was split. 
 
 My friend said' that I could use his toboggan, and 
 we would go down together. 
 
 I was sorry that he offered it to me, for I was in 
 hopes that I would not have to go down. It looks 
 

 M Y FlliST BIDE ON A TOBOGGAN SLIDE. 23 
 
 nice to stand on the ground and look up, but it looks 
 awful to stand at the top and look down. Neverthe- 
 less I thanked him, and said I should be delighted to 
 go down with him. Oh, how I wished that I was 
 home, or that I could go down on a horse car! 
 
 When I looked down the steep slide I shuddered ; I 
 felt as if my (seal was doomed) doom was sealed. 
 
 My friend said, "Are you ready? " 
 
 I said, "Yes," and I tried to smile, but it was a 
 very sickly smile, for I felt as if I was going to my 
 own funeral. I tried to appear cheerful, and I began 
 to whistle. But I almost went into a fit when the 
 operator said, "All ready." I could feel the cold 
 chills running up my back. I thought of my family, 
 and I wondered what they would think to see me 
 being brought home dead. 
 
 My friend sat down on the toboggan first. It was 
 very easy for me to sit down, for I was so faint and 
 weak. I thought that I would not button my over- 
 coat, for I had on a new red necktie, and that added 
 to my looks, and it was a contrast to my black eye. 
 But before I had reached the end of the slide, I 
 wished that I had buttoned my coat. 
 
 At last we were ready, and my friend said, let her 
 go ! and off we went. At first we moved slowly, and 
 I began to be ashamed of myself for being scared. 
 We moved slowly for just two seconds, and then we 
 scooted. The gentle breezes began to fan my cheeks, 
 they fanned harder and harder, till they freshened 
 into a breeze. In four seconds it was blowing a hur- 
 ricane; the atmosphere was rushing past me like 
 lightning. My teeth began to chatter. I tried to 
 breathe, but the atmosphere was ninety-two below 
 zero, and my tongue cleaved to the roof of my mouth. 
 I felt as if I was swallowing icicles. Ah, how I 
 

 24 ORIGINAL HUMOROlfS READINGS. 
 
 wished that I had buttoned up my coat, for my chest 
 felt like a frost-bitten 'refrigerator. Suddenly, the 
 toboggan gave a kick. We had reached the bottom 
 of the angle, and we glided into the slide. 
 
 Did I say that we glided into the slide? That is not 
 the word. It seemed as if the toboggan gave one 
 spasmodic kick, and it gave me a jerk that broke my 
 suspenders and sent my hat about twenty feet in the 
 air, and then it seemed as if it was filled with new 
 life, and off it started like a shot. I clung to my 
 friend with a death-like grip. I waited in breathless 
 
 anxiety, expecting that each minute would be 
 
 the next. 
 
 I thought my end had come. My whole life seemed 
 to rise before me. I thought of each mean act of my 
 life. I thought of the poor peanut man upon whom 
 I had passed a five-cent piece with a hole in it. I 
 thought of the pins that I had put in the chairs of my 
 schoolmates when I was a boy. I thought of the time 
 that I stole my sister's chewing gum, and put salt in 
 my father's tea ; (but my father got even with me for 
 that). I tried to think of one good act that I had per- 
 formed. But alas ! I could think of none. 
 
 On, on, we sped. It seemed as if we never would 
 reach the end of the slide. My head seemed to be 
 twice its natural size, and the cold sweat that had 
 started to my forehead had frozen into icicles. After 
 what appeared to me to have been an age, the speed of 
 the toboggan began to slacken, and I began to realize 
 where I' was. 
 
 As we were moving slowly along I thought that it 
 would feel nice if I were to rub my hand along the 
 wood at the side of the slide. 
 
 I touched the wood once, and only once, for I ran a 
 

 MY FIRST BIDE ON A TOBOGGAN SLIDE. 25 
 
 sliver under my finger nail clear up to my elbow, and 
 I tore off enough kindliHg wood to build a fire with. 
 
 Soon the toboggan began to move sideways, and it 
 lurched from side to side in a vain endeavor to throw 
 us off. All of a sudden it stopped short, and over 
 my friend's head I went into a pile of hay. The 
 toboggan, I suppose, realized that this was its last 
 chance, and it struck me a blow that almost broke 
 my arm. I IieaTd a toboggan loaded with girls com- 
 ing, and I tried to scramble out of the way, but it was 
 of no use. I was too late, and the whole load was 
 dumped upon me, and before I could get out of the 
 way I was knocked down forty times. 
 
 The toboggans ran over me, and under me, and 
 beside, and around me. It seemed as if they came 
 from all directions, sideways, horizontal, and perpen- 
 dicular. There were the long ones, and the short 
 ones, and the steel shod, and the plain, some with 
 cushions, and some without. But they ail managed 
 to hit me. It was worse than any foot-ball match 
 that I. was ever engaged in. 
 
 Did I get mad? No. I didn't have time to get mad. 
 
 Finally one hit me and boosted me clean out of the 
 slide into the snow. 
 
 I yelled, ' ' Thanks ! v as loud as I could holler, and 
 then I fainted away. I did not stay fainted away 
 very long, for I began to feel the snow melt and run 
 down my neck between me and my collar, and that 
 will bring a man out of a faint as quickly as anything 
 that I know of. I imagined that I was dead and that 
 some one was packing me in ice to send to my friends. 
 
 When I regained consciousness I looked around for 
 my friend, and I saw him sitting on a pile of snow, 
 bareheaded, and he was covered from head to foot 
 
26 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 with hay. When he saw me he began to laugh, and 
 he said, " How do you like the sport? " 
 
 I said, " Sport, sport, do you call this sport? Good- 
 ness," I said, " I- had rather saw wood all day than 
 try that again." 
 
 Well, we walked back about a mile and reached the 
 stairs. 
 
 My friend said, "Are you going down again? " 
 
 I gave him a look that was cold enough to freeze 
 warm water, and I said : 
 
 "Do I look like a man that ain't satisfied? " 
 
 He said, " Well you do look like a person that has 
 had about enough for once." 
 
 He bid me good-night, and said that he would be up 
 to the hospital in the morning to see me, and I went 
 home a sad r but wiser man. 
 
 NEW RULES FOR BLAYING DOT GAME OFF BASE 
 
 BALL. 
 
 De ball must veigh fife ounces in diameter. 
 
 De bat must be dirty-four inches long in de thickest 
 part, und pe made off wooden wood, und only hafe 
 von handle. 
 
 De bases musd pe four in number, und pe directly 
 across from de von opposite doo each other. 
 
 Dere must pe a bench on de grounds so dot ven a 
 blayer strikes oud he can set down und swear. 
 
 Afder six balls hafe been called, de batsman must 
 look mad und valk do first base on de run. 
 
 A drawn game vas made ven de umbire extermi- 
 nates a game, or rain has fallen or darkness has come 
 

 DOT GAME OFF BASF BALL. 27 
 
 on for five minudes, so dot de ball vas doo vet do play 
 mit or unequal innings hafe been blayed by both 
 sides. 
 
 Blayers must be paid dwo years in advance. 
 
 De blayers vill hafe do keep good hours. Dey vill 
 hafe do go do bed every afternoon right afder de 
 game. 
 
 Every dime a blayer gets drunk he vill pe suspended 
 und transferred do some other club. 
 
 De pitcher musd stand mit his back facing second 
 base und musd deliver de ball C. O. D. curve oud 
 dreadfully. 
 
 Iff de pitcher hits de batsman dey vill vait undill 
 de batter comes to, und den give him his base. 
 
 Should a blayer make a short stop in a saloon store, 
 und be caught lushing, und he could not ged home 
 withoud an assist, de manager vill make a sacrifice 
 hit und fine him de limit off his salary. 
 
 De first duty off de umbire is do see off he could 
 ged oud off town withoud paying his board bill. 
 
 De umbire is entitled do de respect of de spectators 
 (off dere vas any), und should anyvon hiss ad him, he 
 vill pe rejected from de grounds und pe fined off he is 
 found. 
 
 De umbire cannot reverse his decision unless he 
 geds paid for it. 
 
 De umbire must not pe changed or go oud do ged a 
 drink or ged a shave vile de game vas in progress, 
 
 De umbire must fine de blayers ten cents apiece for 
 errors (or three for a quarter) und divide mit de man- 
 ager. 
 
 De umbire vill have do pe locked in a room mit a 
 mule two hours each day, so dot he vill get used do 
 de blayers kicking. 
 
 De umbire vill have do vear a chest protector on his 
 
2S ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 back, so dot de bricks und stones dot de crowd throw 
 ad him vill not kill him. 
 
 De home club musd always haf e an ambulance or 
 balloon ready, so dot de umpire could ged avay off he 
 is sunstruck mit de displeasure off de crowd. 
 
 AN OLD MAID'S TKIP TO NEW YORK. 
 
 Did I ever tell ye abaut mi trip to New York? 
 
 Didn't, hey ? Wall, I'll tell ye baut it. 
 
 My name is Sliney — Emma Sliney. 
 
 Perhaps ye think by the name that I'm Irish, but I 
 ain't. My father was an up and up Yankee. He was 
 born and brought up among the "cows" and the 
 "dandelions." 
 
 He had a fair eddication, and owened a farm and 
 two suits of clothes. He was cross-eyed and limped a 
 little with both legs, but he had a good character, and 
 didn't chaw tobacco nor drink nothin' stronger than 
 " New Medford rum." 
 
 He wore white shirts Sundays, but he wasn't stuck 
 up nor proud, nor nothin' of that sort. 
 
 He only weighed eight-five pounds, and he was very 
 quiet when mother was around. 
 
 Mother was abaut twice as large as Pa, and Pa 
 seemed to be aware of the difference when she was 
 around. Mother did all the talkin' fur the family. 
 They say I take after my mother, but I don't see what 
 makes them think so, fur I don't talk much I'm sure. 
 I was named Emma, after an old horse we used to 
 have. The horse died when I was a baby, and they 
 named me after it to keep the name in the family. 
 
AN OLD MAID'S TJlW TO HH8W YORK. 29 
 
 Wall, I'll tell you abaut my trip to New York. I 
 was abaut forty odd year old when I went; I had 
 never been to the city before, and the old folks wanted 
 to send some one with me, they said ' ' to take care of 
 me." I've always tread life's pathway alone, and I 
 told um I thought that I could take care uf myself. 
 
 I'm an "old maid," and I'm proud of it. I was 
 jilted when I was quite young, and I made up my 
 mind that I could .git along alone. 
 
 Ill tell ye haw it happened. Si Perkins' daughter, 
 Sarah, give a pop-corn and molasses candy pullin. 
 I was invited to go by Jed Beebe. He want han'some, 
 but he was healthy lookin', and was a man I thought 
 I could handle if I married him. His hair was red, 
 but he couldn't help that ; and the most prominent 
 feature abaut him was his hands. They looked like 
 two bunches of bananas. And he was abaut the 
 awkwardest, bashf ullest critter I ever see. 
 
 When we got tu the party we set raund the room 
 as quiet and still as a lot of old fools. Finally, some 
 one said : " Let's play ' coconut haygen.' " 
 
 So they got a rope and made a ring, and we all got 
 hold uf the rope, and one ^ 3~ _lL in the ring, and hit a 
 feller a slap on the hand and squealed, and run and 
 made a dive under the rope. The feller run after her 
 to kiss her, but he didn't catch her, and then the feller 
 hit another gal a slap, and he kissed her, and so it 
 went. Wall, I don't care much abaut kissin' myself, 
 and I made up my mind that the feller that kissed me 
 would have to fight fur it. 
 
 All the fellers seemed to suspect something was 
 wrong abaut me, I guess, fur not one of um come near 
 me fur abaut twenty minutes. Finally, one big lunk- 
 head began to eye me and he come sneakin' over to 
 where I was standin'. He made a slap at my hand ; 
 
30 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 just as his hand struck mine I drew off and l ' kicked 
 him in the shin," and that was the last I saw of him. 
 lie quit right there, and went out in the other room 
 and played dominoes with the old folks. 
 
 Purty soon I see Jed Beebe lookin' at me. He just 
 come into the ring. He come over to me and hit my 
 hands a slap, and I stood there with my eyes shut 
 watin 1 fur him to kiss me (I just as soon had him 
 kiss me as not, because I kinder liked him), and what 
 do you suppose the big goose did ? After he hit me 
 he rushed fur the other side of the rope as if Satin 
 was after him. 
 
 All the folks laffed, and told him that it was the 
 gal that ought to try ana git away, and not the 
 fellers. 
 
 I felt awfull cheap, and I made up my mind that I'd 
 half kill him if he come near me again. 
 
 Purty soon he come up again, and he hit my hand 
 and broke a bran new rubber ring I had on, and he 
 put my wrist out of joint. I drew off and boxed him 
 side the ear, and his face turned redder than his hair. 
 He give me a reproachful look and give up playin'. 
 That broke up the game, fur they began to be afraid 
 of me. 
 
 Purty soon they said the candy was ready to pull, so 
 we went out into the kitchen and began to pull candy. 
 I was havin' lots of fun, till one feller come up to me 
 and asked me if I wanted a bite of his candy, and just 
 as I closed my jaws on it he give a jerk and pulled 
 my false teeth out. I'd have fainted away if I hadn't 
 been so mad. 
 
 When it come time to go home I hunted around for 
 Jed. I found him up-stairs bathing his face in 
 camphor. I asked him if he was goin' home with me, 
 and he said yes, sorter crabbed like. 
 
AN OLD MAID'S TRIP TO NEW YORK. 31 
 
 Jed didn't come near me fur a month after that, and 
 I had abaut made up my mind to sue him fur breach 
 of promise, fur he had been goin' with me fur nigh on 
 to two weeks, and he had writ me two love letters 
 with geranium leaves in um, and he had called me 
 his darling four times. So I thought I had a good 
 case against him, and I might not git another case 
 against any body else. Fur I was awfull particular 
 who I went with. But I finally made up my mind to 
 be an old maid and let him go. 
 
 Oh, I was going to tell you about my trip to New 
 York. 
 
 What a time I had gittin' ready ! I made over my 
 mother's dove colored calico dress to travel in. I 
 don't like to spile good clothes travelin' in um. I 
 bought a new pair of shoes that squeaked beautifully. 
 I'd heard about um wearing bustles in the city, but 
 I didn't have one, so I took an old rat trap that Pa. 
 had and put some elastic on it r and wore that. It 
 made my dress hike up a little in the back (fur my 
 dress wan't cut fur wearing bustles), but I didn't 
 think that the folks in the city would notice a little 
 think like that. 
 
 As it was in the summer, I carried a parisol. Ma 
 lent me hern. It wus yaller, all but the handle and 
 the ribs. I sewed some red and blue bows all around 
 fur contrast, and it was too lovely fur everything. 
 Then I bought a hankerchief and some cologune 
 water, and was all ready to start. 
 
 The nabours wus awfull jealous of me, and they 
 made all sorts of remarks abaut my clothes. Well, I 
 started. 
 
 Pa couldn't spare the horse, so he drove me down to 
 the depot in the ox team, but I didn't mind that, fur 
 there is nothin' stuck up abaut me, 
 
32 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 It was six mile to the depot, and I thought we never 
 would git there. I never saw oxen so slow in my life. 
 When we got there' we found that we had missed 
 the train, and there wouldn't be another one along fur 
 two hours ; so I told Pa to go home and I would git 
 aboard the cars alone. 
 
 Wall, he kissed me and started fur home. 
 
 When he got to the turn in the road near Deacon 
 Allen's barn, he waved his red hankerchief to me, and 
 it made me feel awfull lonesome. I'd have sot right 
 down and cried I felt so bad, but I was afraid if I did 
 cry that my tears would wash all the magnitia off 
 from my face. I always put a little on my face to 
 take the shine off, fur that ' ' Bur well's Soap " always 
 makes your face so shiney. 
 
 Wall, I sot out on the depot platform, thinkin' of 
 home, and wonderin' if the folks would forgit to feed 
 the canary, when all of a sudden along come the train. 
 The man who sold tickets said that it was a freight 
 train, but if I wanted to go on it I could save thirty 
 cents. He said if I wanted to go on a regular pas- 
 singer train that there would be one along the next 
 day at four o'clock. I told him that I just as soon 
 ride on a freight train as any other, as it wus my first 
 ride on the cars. Then he smiled awfull pleasant. I 
 wish that everyone was as sooiable as he was. 
 
 Wall, along come the train, and such a snortin' 
 and puffin' I never heard before. It sounded a little 
 worse than Pa does when he snores. When the train 
 stopped, I made a rush for it and climbed in. But a 
 man told me I had got onto the engine, so I got out 
 and another man told me to take the last car. He 
 called it a "goose" or a "caboose," or somethin 
 like that. 
 
 I went down the track abaut a quarter of a mile and 
 

 AN OLD MAID'S TRIP TO NEW YORK. 33 
 
 got into the car, and purty soon off we went. My ! 
 my! how we did go! Talk abaut your riding in a 
 wagin! Why, we must have gone nigh onto nine 
 mile an hour. But how it did jolt. Why, it shook 
 my false teeth out four times before we had gone 
 three miles. I finally tied my hankerchief around 
 my mouth to keep my teeth in, and then I come near 
 swallowing um. But I soon got used to it. Purty 
 soon I begin to git stummick sick, and feel lonesome. 
 But I eat some sasprass root I had with me and 
 I felt better. 
 
 Then I begin to look around the car to see who was 
 in it. I was awfull afraid of pickpockets, fur Pa told 
 me to look out fur " pickpockets" and " punkin steer- 
 ers" or "bunco steerers," or something like that. 
 But I guess there wa'n't none in that car, fur there 
 wasn't anyone in it but me and the conductor and two 
 trunks. 
 
 Purty soon we got to New York, and such a hubbub ! 
 Why, everybody seemed to be going everywhere. 
 The minute I steped off from the car a little brat hol- 
 lered, "What will you take fur your bustle?" I hit 
 him a rap over the head with my yaller parisol, and 
 I broke the pesky thing right in two. 
 
 Purty soon a boy came up and wanted to know if I 
 wanted a shine. 
 
 I said, "shine what?" 
 
 He said, " shine your shoes." 
 
 I didn't want to appear green, so I said go ahead, 
 and he began to shine my shoes and purty soon a 
 crowd gathered around. 
 
 I finally got away and was walking down the street 
 when a boy come running up to me and said, "Sun ! " 
 "Sun! " two cents! "New York Sun! " two cental 
 3 
 
^4 OBIGINAL HUMOBOUS READINGS. 
 
 I told him I could git all the sun I wanted fur 
 nothing. 
 
 Then h^said the ' ' World ! " * 'World ! " five cents ! I 
 asked him how much he charged fur the moon. 
 
 Then he asked me if I had been in the city long. I 
 told him I had been there long enough to know 
 enough to mind my own business. 
 
 Purty soon I began to feel hungry, and I looked 
 around and see a sign, " Home-made pies fur sale." 
 
 I told the man I'd take a couple, but I could'nt eat 
 more than one and a-half to save me. The crust 
 was tougher than rubber. Wall, I finally got tired of 
 seeing New York and started fur home tired out. 
 
 When I got to the cars there wan't but one seat left 
 and I took it. Purty soon a nice lookin' young man 
 come and set down right beside me and begin to talk 
 to me. He was terrible agreeable. He opened the 
 window fur me. And he fanned me. And he got me 
 a drink of water with ice into it. I wondered why 
 he was so pleasant on so short acquaintance. 
 
 But I found out in a very short time, fur when the 
 conductor came in one door he went out the other, 
 and when I felt in my pocket fur my ticket it was 
 gone and all my money with it. The pesky thief even 
 took my pocket. 
 
 Wall, the pocket won't do him much good, fur it was 
 made out of an old stockin' and was only basted 
 together. 
 
 I told the conductor, and he let me ride free. 
 
 When I got to the station, father wan't there to 
 meet me, but I saw Peaeon Allen goin' by with a load 
 of wood, and I rode home with him. 
 
 And I was glad to git there too. 
 
A BOY'S COMPOSITION ON EGGS. 35 
 
 A BOY'S COMPOSITION ON EGGS. 
 
 There are a great many kind of eggs. There are 
 the hen's egg, the goose's egg, the turkey's egg, the 
 frog's egg, and the fish's egg. 
 
 The hen's egg is the most desirable for food 
 (when it is fresh), but when an egg has been hanging 
 around a store for eight weeks, even if it is labeled 
 " Fresh from the country," it is. not very good eating, 
 and it is fit only to be thrown at your enemy. 
 
 When an egg is first laid it is an object of interest to 
 
 the hen who has laid it, and the hen will cackle with 
 
 delight and the sound will go from hen to hen, and 
 
 even the masculine voice of the rooster will be heard 
 
 i 
 
 with his " cut-cut- kadaw -cut !" heralding the glad 
 event. 
 
 After an egg has lived for two months in this world 
 it has outlived its usefulness as an article of food, and 
 they are then sold to the bakers, who put them in cus- 
 tard pies. 
 
 When an egg is confined within its own shell it is 
 perfectly harmless, but when it has arrived at a good 
 old age and you wish to remove the shell, you do so at 
 your peril. For great is the strength of an old egg with 
 no shell, and greatly to be feared is the fragrance there- 
 of. Charles Dickens, or some of our great generals 
 has said, " in union there is strength." But I say, in 
 an old egg there is strong strength. 
 
 An egg is an egg until it becomes a chicken. The 
 usual process for hatching eggs is done in this man- 
 ner. You first get a hen. Get a setting hen, or one 
 that wants to set. One that is too lazy to stand. You 
 ther get some eggs, not barreled eggs, but fresh eggs. 
 
36 ORIGINAL BVMOBOUS HEADINGS. 
 
 You then get a barrel. Then get some hay. 
 Make a nest in the barrel with the hay. Put the 
 eggs in the nest, and the nest in the barrel, and the hen 
 on the eggs in the nest in the barrel. Muzzle the hen 
 so that she will not eat the eggs. Then sit down and 
 wait. If you put one dozen eggs under the hen you will 
 probably get nine roosters and three chickens. 
 
 Eggs are sometimes sold for large prices, and a 
 great deal of money is made by the dealers. They vary 
 in price from ten to forty cents a dozen, according to 
 age and condition. The supply regulates the demand, 
 and usually the smaller the supply the greater the 
 demand. The egg is a quiet bird and minds its own 
 business. 
 
 The principal occupation of an egg is to grow old. 
 It loses its value when it becomes ripe or has 
 been dropped upon the sidewalk. 
 
 Eggs are a useful fruit. They are used for a 
 great many purposes. 
 
 As an article of food they rank A No. 1. If they 
 are not too rank. 
 
 Good eggs will make sick people well but bad eggs 
 will make well people sick. 
 
 Eggs vary in size from large to small. The big tmes 
 being larger than the small ones accounts for the 
 difference in size. 
 
 There are several varieties. The fresh country egg, 
 the barreled egg, the candled egg, and the limed egg. 
 
 The fresh country egg is the one that starts from 
 the country in a fresh condition, but they sometimes 
 wilt before they reach the city 
 
 The barreled (or doubtful) eggs are the ones that 
 come in barrels. 
 
 I presume the reason they put them in barrels is so 
 
THE LITTLE-^OY AND THE BEE. 37 
 
 the chickens will not get away if they hatch out on 
 their way to market. 
 
 In buying barreled eggs, you don't get a dozen in a 
 dozen that are good. You will find a great many 
 mellow ones among them. I like ripe mellow peaches, 
 but I don't like ripe mellow eggs. 
 
 The candled eggs are not the ones that taste like 
 candles, but the ones that are examined by the light 
 of a candle to see if the egg has sprouted and has 
 begun to show signs of life. 
 
 The limed eggs are covered with a coating of lime 
 so they will keep forever. 
 
 THE LITTLE BOY AND THE BEE. 
 
 A little boy sat on his back-yard fence, 
 
 Basking in the sun ; 
 He was wishing his playmates would come along 
 
 So that he could have some fun. 
 
 And as he sat, he began to muse, 
 He continued to muse, and sit, 
 
 Till all of a sudden a bee came along, 
 And on a flower it lit. 
 
 "Ah!" said the boy; "here is a chance 
 
 For me to learn the way, 
 In which the honey bee gathers its food, 
 
 From the flowers, day by day." 
 
 So he watched the bee go buzzing around. 
 
 And the boy was much delighted, 
 When the bee, at last closed up its wings, 
 
 And On a flower it lighted. 
 
38 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 The morning glory was the flower 
 
 That the busy bee selected; 
 It was the only one in the yard 
 
 The bee had not inspected. 
 
 As the bee perched on the outer edge, 
 
 Before he began oj)eration, 
 His eagle eye glanced about the yard, 
 
 To take in the situation. 
 
 The first thing he saw was the little boy, 
 But that did not scare him at all; 
 
 The bee had seen little boys before, 
 And had often made them squall. 
 
 ^_ But all the same he sharpened his sting, 
 And crept inside the flower, 
 And waited patiently for the boy, — 
 He didn't wait an hour. 
 
 For when the little bee disappeared, 
 The boy gave a fiendish grin, 
 
 And rushed toward the flower 
 To see the operation begin. 
 
 And as he watched the bee at work, 
 He said: " 'twill be great fun 
 
 To close the flower and catch the bee; 
 'Twas no sooner said than done. 
 
 Many bees have caught small boys, 
 And boys have caught small bees; 
 
 If I had to be the bee or boy, 
 I'd rather be the bee. 
 
 For when the little boy closed the flower 
 With his finger and his thumb, 
 
 The bee began to walk around, 
 And sing, and buzz, and hum. 
 
 The boy, in his excitement, 
 Had forgotten this one thing, 
 
 That every little honey bee, 
 Was provided with a sting. 
 
THE LITTLE BOY AND THE BEE. 39 
 
 And as the boy broke off the flower 
 
 With a quick and sudden jerk, 
 He forgot about t'he little bee, 
 
 Who soon got in his work. 
 
 For as the boy began to pinch, 
 The bee began to back, 
 
 And the boy got such a shock, 
 He fell upon his back. 
 
 He felt a thrill run up his arm, 
 'Twas not a thrill of joy; 
 
 In four and twenty seconds 
 He was quite a different boy. 
 
 For his finger began to swell, 
 
 And the tears dropped down like rain, 
 As he started quickly for the house, 
 
 In his delirious pain. 
 
 He rushed up to his mother, 
 
 And as he drew nigh her, 
 He cried: " Oh, ma! what shall I do? 
 
 My finger is on fire ! " 
 
 His mother tried to soothe the pain 
 By putting on some flour, 
 
 But the boy continued crying 
 For nearly half an hour. 
 
 And when at last the pain did cease, 
 The boy said " he would" vow 
 
 He'd never catch a bee again, 
 He would rather catch a cow." 
 
 He said " he knew just how bees worked 
 From personal observation; " 
 
 But said " one lesson was enough- 
 It hurt like all creation," 
 
40 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 WHEN THE MILLENNIUM IS COMING. 
 
 The Millennium is coming when the political candi- 
 date shall speak well of his opponent, and will try to 
 get people to vote for him. 
 
 It is coming when you can get a church choir of sing- 
 ers together, who will say to their neighbor: "You 
 take the best seat; you can sing better than I can." 
 
 When the coal dealers will give two thousand 
 pounds for a ton, and not weigh the driver with the 
 coal. 
 
 When the grocer will not put sand in the sugar, or 
 make maple sugar out of molasses and water. 
 
 When the people will stop putting buttons in the 
 contribution boxes, and not try to pass ten cent pieces 
 with holes in them upon the poor Italian peanut 
 vender. 
 
 When bakers' cake will not taste of burnt lard, and 
 there will not be any flies in their bread. 
 
 When the rich will be equal with the poor, and 
 there will be no caste in society. And even the milk 
 will not have a blue cast to it. And the milk will 
 return to its original color (white) and the old saying 
 (such a thing is milk white) can be truthfully said. 
 Now we would have to say such a thing is milk blue. 
 Then the milkmen will stop buying chalk to whiten 
 their milk with, and they will not water their milk 
 at the same pump they water their horses. 
 
 Then when the plumber sent in his bill you would 
 not see this item charged (whether he used it or not) 
 every time — solder one dollar and a quarter. 
 
 When the gas companies will charge for only the 
 gas that you consume, 
 
WBEN TEE MILLENNIUM IS COMING. 41 
 
 When the millennium comes, then your neighbor's 
 chickens will be confined within their own premises, 
 and they will not be allowed to come in your yard 
 and scratch up your powers and vegetables. 
 
 Then your flowers will come up of their own 
 accord, and there will be no hen waiting for, and 
 even assisting them to come up. 
 
 Then the policemen will keep awake nights and 
 will catch a burglar once in a while. 
 
 Then you can buy sealskin sacques for two dol- 
 lars. 
 
 Then the rich man will not get up a corner on flour, 
 or wheat, or pork. — 
 
 Then will the lawyers tell the truth. In fact, there 
 will be no need of lawyers at all. 
 
 The poor-houses will be a thing of the past. 
 
 The jails will be turned into charitable institu- 
 tions, where the rich will distribute their wealth to 
 the poor. 
 
 Then everybody can have three meals a day, and 
 pie for dinner. 
 
 Then everybody will have plenty of money (to get), 
 and the small boy will rejoice because he will not 
 have to wear his older brother's cast off clothes. For 
 his parents can buy him new ones. 
 
 Then will the fish peddler tell you the correct age 
 of his fish. And the ice-cream will not be made of 
 corn starch, but of the pure cream. 
 
 Then will the burglar and robber give up their 
 business and go to farming. 
 
 Then will the jokes about the mother-in-law be dis- 
 continued, and the", stories about catching large 
 strings of fish be heard no more. 
 
 Then will the hunter give a correct account of the 
 
42 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 game birds he did not kill, and liars will be as scarce 
 as hens' teeth. 
 
 Then boarding-house hash will cease to be a mys- 
 tery. 
 
 Then the good husband will not go to the lodge or 
 club every night, but will stay at home and play 
 checkers and dominoes with the children. 
 
 HOW I LOST MY YATCH. 
 ( 
 
 Von day ven I vas valking down de street dinking 
 off nothing in general, I vas met by a man. 
 
 Id vas de first dime I efer met him, bud he said dot 
 he knew me. 
 
 Veil, me und dis odder man, und myself, began to 
 talk. He asked me off I vas ever in love? 
 
 I said "I don't know vat you mean." 
 
 He said, " Did you not ever have a queer feeling 
 creaping over you? " 
 
 "Oh yes," said I, " I had de itch vonce, und de're 
 vas quite a feeling creaping ofer me, in fact, dere 
 vas several feelings creaping ofer me." 
 
 "No, no," he said, "you do not grasp my mean- 
 mg." 
 
 I told him dot " I didn't feel like grasping anny. 
 thing, but I felt like having some old hen scratch 
 me." 
 
 "Ah! my friend," he said, "Did you never feel 
 as if your whole being was on fire and — and— 
 
 " Oh yes," I said, " I have had de — earisipulus, und 
 I have felt as if I vas on fire, und yea, also, I have 
 . felt as if de fire vas on me. Ish dot love? " I said. 
 
BRO VERBS UND MAXIMS. 43 
 
 He didn't seem to have heard me bud vent on do 
 say — "Have you not seen the time when it seemed as 
 if something were wanting to complete your happi- 
 ness? " 
 
 "Oh yes," I said, "und dot someding I wanted do 
 complete my happiness vas ten dollars." 
 
 But he continued to continue. ' ' Have you never 
 yearned for something you knew not what, and it 
 seemed as if something were gnawing at your very 
 vitals?" 
 
 " Oh yes," I said, " I have dot feeling come ofer me 
 every day just before dinner, bud I dought dot vas 
 my appetite yearning for roast beef." 
 
 Veil, he vent on dot vay for about den minutes, 
 und den he give a yell und started down de street on 
 de run. I dought he vas crazy, bud he vasen't. For 
 ven I got home I felt in my pocket for my vatch 
 und id vas gone. 
 
 He vas von off dose pickpocket men, und he dalk 
 dot love business mit. me do extract my attention vile 
 he vas gedding my vatch. 
 
 BRO VERBS UOT MAXIMS MIT A DUTCH ACCENT. 
 
 A stitch in time saves a pair of pants. 
 
 Rolling moss gedders no stones. 
 
 Never put off dill do-morrow vat you could do next 
 veek. 
 
 Make sun vile de hay shines. 
 
 A bundle of straw shows vitch vay de wind blows. 
 
 A vord to de foolish wise man vas sufficient. 
 
 Birds mit de same kind of fedders on, flock around 
 mit each von another. 
 
44 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 It vas a long lane dot ain't got any corner do turn 
 around in. 
 
 Fifty cents earned vas von penny saved. 
 
 Leap veil pefore you look. 
 
 Think dwice pefore you speak four dimes. 
 
 All dot glitters vas not gold plated. 
 
 It dakes nine tailors do make a man (a suit off 
 clothes). 
 
 A penny wise und six pounds foolish. 
 
 Never look a gift horse in de ear. 
 
 Always dake time by de fetlock. 
 
 Time und tide vait for no man (who goes clam- 
 ming). 
 
 You vill never miss de vater till de well runs dry 
 (or de vater company shut de vater off). 
 
 Two vas company but dwenty-dhree is a crowd. 
 
 De longest vay round vas de shortest jray home (to 
 de feller dot vas going home mit his girl). 
 
 In onion dere is strength. 
 
 Necessity vas de mother-in-law of invention. 
 *An ounce of prevention is vorth seven bound off 
 cure. 
 
 Spare de (fish) rod und spoil de child. 
 
 Too many cooks make de broth no good. 
 
 It vas never too early to mend. 
 
 Where dey vas a will dere vas a vay (for de law 
 yers to get all of de money). 
 
 Save de dollars und de pennies vill take care of 
 themselves. «** 
 
 Be sure you are right den go behind. 
 
 Early do bed und early do rise, makes a man fat, 
 und rich, und wise. 
 
 If wishes were horses den beggars would ride (in a 
 vheelbarrow). 
 
PROVERBS UND MAXIMS. 45 
 
 Charity begins at home (but id don't get very far 
 avay). 
 
 Better late then never (as de man said ven he got 
 home ad vone o'clock in de morning). 
 
 Strike while de iron is hot (his vife said as she hit 
 him over de head mit a broom). 
 
 By-and-bye vas easily said (but buy und buy vas 
 not so easy to do). 
 
 Count not you chickens pefore dey are hatched 
 (dey might all be roosters). 
 
 Everybody's pusiness vas anybody's pusiness. 
 
 Every dog has his day (und every cat has his 
 night). 
 
 Everything has a beginning (look oud who you 
 lend de first dollar to). 
 
 Evil communications correct good manners. 
 
 Give a rogue an inch und he vill dake a foot (rule). 
 
 Half a pie is better dan no loaf. 
 
 Every rose has its thorn (except de early rose 
 potato). 
 
 Two of a trade never agree (dot's true of a horse 
 trade). 
 
 While dere vas hope dere vas life. 
 
 Two heads are better dan von (off dey vas heads of 
 cabbage). 
 
 Strain at a gnat und swallow a camel (or elephant). 
 
 To make both ends meet (put roast beef on von end 
 und round steak on de other). 
 
 Hit de nail on de head (don't hit de nail on your 
 toe). 
 
 A burnt child dreads de fire (but he don't dread de 
 fire-cracker). ^ 
 
 A clear conscience is a good pillow (most people 
 don't use dose pillows). 
 
46 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 A fool und his money is soon parted (I vould like to 
 had some money vonce und try id). 
 
 A friend in deed is a friend in need. 
 
 A fair exchange is no burglary. 
 
 A liar must have a good memory (dot is why I 
 never forget anything). 
 
 A man may lead his horse to wader but he cannot 
 make him drink. (You could lead some men to drink 
 but you could not make dem take wader.) 
 
 All play und no work makes a boy a dull Jack. 
 
 Beggars must not be chewers. 
 
 Cold hands und a warm heart (de ice peddler).^ 
 
 Even de wise say a foolish word sometimes. 
 
 Give a thief rope enough und he vill hang yourself. 
 
 Every little hurts, I mean helps. 
 
 A good name vas better den riches (I have got von 
 I vould like to sell). 
 
 Barking dogs seldom bite (demselves). 
 
 It is an ill wind dot blows anybody no good. 
 
 It is hard to teach a new dog old tricks. 
 
 It never pours but it rains. 
 
 Lazy folks dake de most trouble (do keep from 
 -working). 
 
 Many a slip 'twixt de goblet und de under jaw. 
 
 Marry at leisure und repent in haste. 
 
 Never ride a free (saw) horse to death. 
 
 One good turn preserves another. 
 
 Practice makes perfect (but I never could hit a cat 
 mit a stone). 
 
 Take de deed for de vill. 
 
 . De better de day de better de deed (if. id ^as a deed 
 to your vife!s property). ^ 
 
 Out of sight, out of mind (de man you borrow 
 money of). 
 
THE Bors CAT. 47 
 
 De proof of de pudding vas in de eating (if it kills 
 you it vas no good). 
 
 They who live in stone houses should not throw 
 glass. 
 
 The course of drue love never did run smooth (after 
 you vas married und get a mother-in-law. 
 
 Want is de (step) mother of industry. 
 
 THE BOY'S CAT. 
 
 Not long ago I owned a cat; 
 
 He was long, and lean, and lank. 
 I fed him only twice a year, 
 
 He stole all he ate and drank. 
 
 He measured eighteen inches long, 
 
 And twenty inches high, 
 And everybody on our street 
 
 Was familiar with his cry. 
 
 It seemed to be his chief delight 
 To scream, and yell, and squall; 
 
 I've heard five hundred different cats, 
 But he could beat them all. 
 
 He had a quick and restless eye, 
 And knew the small boy's tricks; 
 
 He had a reputation 
 For dodging stones and bricks. 
 
 One leg was shorter than the rest, 
 Which made him walk quite queer; 
 
 He had a double-jointed tail, 
 And only half an ear. 
 
 He had a scar upon his back 
 That reached from head to tail; 
 
 He got that scar while stealing milk 
 From our next neighbor's pail. 
 
 
48 OttlGltfAL BlTMO&OtfS KEAblitGS. 
 
 He would go for all the chickens, 
 While they were hunting worms, 
 
 And with the rats and mice, 
 Was on quite friendly terms. 
 
 His hide was gray, his fur was gone, 
 That made the children shout; 
 
 He was scalded when quite young, 
 Which made his hair fall out. 
 
 He expected kicks and cuffs, 
 Kind words for him were few ; 
 
 And when you petted him a bit, 
 He always answered — mew ! 
 
 y 
 
 His good points were quite numerous, 
 And I would at them point; 
 
 In fact, he had a good one 
 On almost every joint. 
 
 One night he stole some chickens 
 That belonged to my two sisters ; 
 
 I chased him, and he ran so fast 
 The wind blew through his whiskers. 
 
 When there were strangers in the house, 
 
 And he was in the room, 
 He would keep one eye on them, 
 
 And one upon the broom. 
 
 And when we took the broom to sweep, 
 He would leave his occupation, 
 
 And take a two-and-forty gait 
 Without an invitation. 
 
 He would fill himself with milk, 
 Then lay down in the sun, 
 
 And rest his weary bones till night, 
 Then saunter out for fun. 
 
 He very seldom stayed at home, 
 And was always on the visit, 
 
 And when the cats gave concerts, 
 He would never, never miss it. 
 
TH£ BOY'S CAT. 49 
 
 And when the cats assembled, 
 
 He would rush to them pell mell, 
 And start the concert going, 
 
 With his sad, unearthly yell. 
 
 And should you be within a bl&ck 
 
 When he began his cry, 
 The sound would surely haunt you 
 
 Until the day you die. 
 
 He had a pair of leather lungs 
 
 That were always out of order, 
 He made so much outlandish noise, 
 We lost our only boarder. 
 
 His appetite was always good, 
 
 He never had to whet it, 
 And if you had a piece of meat, 
 
 He was always sure to get it. , 
 
 He could eat a stew of oysters, 
 
 And chickens, large or small, 
 And once he ate twelve eggs,-^ 
 
 He ate them shells and all. 
 
 He ate potatoes, fried or boiled, 
 
 They were all the same to him, 
 And once he ate a dishcloth, 
 
 Which made him grow quite slim. 
 
 Boiled lobster, ham, or bluefish, 
 
 Cabbage, cooked or raw, 
 Were eaten with a relish, 
 
 As they passed into his maw. 
 
 But one day pussy disappeared, 
 
 And nowhere could be found, 
 We searched each room and corner» 
 
 From the attic to the ground. 
 
 At last we found him in a room, 
 
 Where he had gone to die — 
 He died with hydrophobia, 
 
 Fvom eating bakers' pie. 
 
50 01UG1NAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 DE GAME OF BASE BALL. 
 
 Oh de game, de ^National Game, 
 
 Dot makes de players all so lame, 
 
 Dot brings rheumatism to de pitcher's muscle, 
 
 Und makes de catcher cover his face with a bustle. 
 
 De game mit base hits, und flies mitoud wings, 
 Und daisy cutters, und all of dem things, 
 Und its put-outs und muffs, und dose things you know, 
 Id is de boss game, at least I dink so. 
 
 Vat a peautif ul sight id is to see, 
 Some afternoon apoud half-past three, 
 Dwo base-ball nines as dey come on de ground, 
 Und pegin to chuck de balls around. 
 I 
 
 Und den de umbire comes valking along, 
 He's afraid he vill give a decision wrong; 
 Und if he does, I vouldn't be he, 
 For all off de money dot ever I see. 
 
 I umbired vonce for a glub in my town*. 
 Und de boys kicked me so I couldn't sif down; 
 I called a foul fair, und dot lost de game, 
 Und dot is de reason dot I valked so lame. 
 
 It vas de boss game und I vish I could do it, 
 But vat droubles me, I never could knew it; 
 I get all mixed up mit all off dose rules, 
 Und venever I play, I feel like dwo fools. 
 
 De last game I played I got struck in de nose, 
 
 Und I proke von finger und spoiled my best clothes; 
 
 I got to first base, und dey all hollered slide, 
 
 Und I tore all my clothes off, clear down to my hide. 
 
 Den I went to de field, und I made a bad play, 
 Und de crowd all said: " Took dot snoozer away." 
 Den dey said — " Fire him oud, he vas no good, 
 He vas just like a man dot vas made off wood." 
 
THE HORSE THAT MIKE FLYNN BOUGHT. 51 
 
 I said, ven de very next inning pegun, 
 
 I vould try all 1 could to make a home run; 
 
 So I struck awful hard, but I slipped mit my spikes, 
 
 Und de umbire said " You are oud on strikes." 
 
 But de crowd hollered run, so I started for first; 
 Then to second, then third, Jbhen I dough t I vould burst; 
 Then I slid clear home; oh, how my leg smarted! 
 Den dey said I vas oud^efore I started. 
 
 THE HOUSE THAT MIKE FLYNN BOUGHT. 
 
 Did I iver tell ye about the harse that I bought? 
 Well, I advertized in the paper fur a harse, and the 
 viry nixt day there wur noine min came to see me to 
 thry and sell me harses. 
 
 There was one man that tuck me eye, and I let him 
 interview me, and I discarded all the rest. He wuz a 
 small man, but he could talk. Do ye moind? 
 
 Let me give ye some advoice. I give it to ye fur 
 nothing, but it costme dear to learn what I'm tellin' 
 ye. 
 
 " Never buy a harse of a small man." 
 
 They say that talk is cheap, but his talk cost me 
 dear. Do ye moind? 
 
 He wore a red necktie and stripped trousers, and a 
 vist cut high in the nick. One of his eyes had a 
 squint. 
 
 Look out fur squint-eyed men. Do ye moind? 
 
 Fur he stuck me on my harse, and lie stuck me bad. 
 But he can't do it agin, fur I have siued him up. He 
 told me to cum to his house some noight and I could 
 look, at bis harses and take me pick. 
 
52 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS HEADINGS. 
 
 Well, I wint up. He met me at the dure wid a 
 swate smoile. Ah, bad cess to him and his smoile. I 
 followed him to the barn. Well, the first harse he 
 showed me was a nanny goat. 
 
 I told him I did not want goats, but harses. 
 
 Well, we wint into the b.arn and there stud a harse. 
 He wuz the f oinest harse I iver saw — to all appear- 
 ances. Do ye moind that? 
 
 I say, to all appearances. But appearances are 
 sometimes desatefull. 
 
 And this wuz one of the sometimes. 
 
 And this wuz one of the harses, top. 
 
 The harse wuz in a very narrow stall. 
 
 I axed the man why the stall wuz so narrow and he 
 said, 
 
 It wuz made that way so the harse could not move 
 about and hurt himself. I found out afterward the 
 stall wuz made narrow so that the harse could not fall 
 over from weakness. It wuz well I looked at the 
 harse by the light of a lantern, fur he wuz that thin 
 he couldn't cast a shadder in the day toime. 
 
 I axed him to take him out and exersize him a little 
 and let me see the style of him. Well, he walked the 
 harse around the yard and before he had taken f oive 
 steps he fell over upon his side. 
 
 "What's the matter with him?" sez I. " Did he 
 mane to lay down that toime?" 
 
 "Oh yes," said he. "I have driven him one hun- 
 dred miles to-day and he is a little tired." 
 
 Sez I: ** One hundred moiles in one day? " 
 
 "Oh, he is a daisy! " 
 
 Well, the harse began walking agin and he soon 
 ran against a tree and over he wint agin. 
 ., " What now," sez I. " Is he blind? " 
 
THE HORSE THAT MIKE FLYNN BOUGHT. 53 
 
 The man said : "He is- not used to being out nights ; 
 the lantern blinds him." 
 
 SezI: "Is he sound?" 
 
 He sez : 4 ' Sound him and try. " 
 
 So I tuck me knuckle and rapped on the harse's 
 side, and he sounded loike an empty barrel. 
 
 I sez : " Has he a good appetite ? ' ' 
 
 " Oh yes," he said: " that is his strong pint. And 
 he is one that can wait fur his food, too." 
 
 "Well," sez I, "if I buy him he will have lots of 
 practice at that, fur I want a harse that is good at 
 waiting fur his food. That was the trouble with 
 me last harse. He got tired waiting fur his food. 
 I let him go one day too long. I fed him on a Mon- 
 day and I expected to feed him agin on a Thursday, 
 but I made a mistake in the day, and when I wint to 
 feed him on Friday, he wuz that wake that he couldn't 
 stand it and he died." 
 
 I sez: "How old is the harse? " 
 
 At that he smiled. Fool that I wuz, that I couldn't 
 see through that smile. 
 
 He sez ; "Well, he must be purty young, fur he has 
 not cut all his teeth yet. " 
 
 Oh, but he didn't tell me tKat it wuz the second set 
 the harse wuz cutting. 
 
 SezI: " Is he gintle? " 
 
 "Oh yis," sez he. "He is as gintle as a kitten. 
 Your children can play about him. He is not afraid 
 of anything. You can hit him with sticks and stones 
 and he will not move. " 
 
 And thin he smiled agin. "But," sez he, " he has 
 one fault. He don't know how to back." 
 
 " Well," sez I, "I can asyly learn him to back." 
 
 I found before I had him many days, that he 
 
54 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 couldn't back, but he could balk. He wuz as foine a 
 balker as I iver saw. 
 
 Sez I: " How much do you want fur him?" 
 
 He looked at me wid his squint eye, and said: "I 
 ought to git one iiundred dollars fur him, but you can 
 have him fur twinty-two dollars and fifteen cints. " 
 
 Sez I: "Throw off the twinty-two dollars and I'll 
 take him. " 
 
 Sez he: -' I'll split the difference and call it twinty- 
 two dollars and eight cents." 
 
 " All right," sez I. " Throw in an old harness, and 
 feed him well before he starts, and sind him around in 
 the marning, and I'll take him." So I shuck hands 
 wid him and wint home well pleased wid me bar- 
 gain. 
 
 The nixt morning I was up bright and early, look- 
 ing for me harse. I hadn't been looking long before I 
 heard a terrible noise, and looking down the street 
 I saw a big crowd coming. There wuz men, women, 
 children and dogs. All yellin' and hollerin', and right 
 in their midst wuz my harse. They stopped in front 
 of my house and the man that wuz lading the animal 
 sez to nft : 
 
 "Is this Mr. Flynn?" 
 
 " That's me name," sez I. " Mike Flynn." 
 
 "All right," sez he. " Here is a harse I was told to 
 deliver to you." 
 
 I thin tuck a good look at the harse, and said: " I 
 guess you are mistaken, me friend. That's not my 
 harse. That harse is blind." 
 
 " I know it," sez he. "He wuz not blind whin you 
 bought him, but whin the harse heard that he wuz 
 sold so cheap he felt so bad that he wint blind. " 
 
 He sez •. ' 'He must be yours fur your name is on him, " 
 and I wint around on the other side of the harse and 
 

 
 THE HOliSE THAT MIRE FLYNN.BOUGHT. 55 
 
 there, sure enough, wuz a sign painted in white letters 
 on the harse's side : 
 
 Sold to Mike Flynn. 
 
 "Well," sez I, when I saw I was stuck, " its all right, 
 only the sign ought to say, Mike Flynn sold, instead 
 of ' Sold to Mike Flynn.' " It has been a lesson to me 
 niver to buy a harse by the loight of a lantern. 
 
 I tuck hold of the harse's halter to lade him into 
 the yard, whin the crowd set up a terrible yellin'. 
 They said : 
 
 "Shoot the harse!" 
 
 1 ' Build a fence about him so he will not fall over ! " 
 
 "Look out the crows don't catch him! " 
 
 " Please help the blind." 
 
 " Flynn, Flynn, got taken in!" 
 
 And they made so much noise I almost wint crazy, 
 but at last I got the harse in the barn and the crowd 
 wint away. 
 
 At noon toime, I thought I would feed him, so I wint 
 in and gev him some oats. 
 
 I niver saw a harse so surprised as he wuz whin he 
 saw thim oats. He couldn't realize they were fur 
 him. But whin he did, oh my! how he did ate! I 
 lift him to enjoy thim and wint out. 
 
 Purty soon I heard him jumpin' and larrupin' round 
 the barn and I wint in, and such a sight as I saw ! 
 He had broken his halter, and he had aten iverything 
 that he could foind in the barn. He had aten an old 
 j >at of mine and an umbrella, two pumpkins, a piece 
 of rag carpet, a currycomb and a bunch of onions, 
 and whin I got in the barn be wuz trying to climb the 
 ladder to get up in the hay loft. I coaxed him back 
 into his stall and I began to wonder how I could 
 git the paint off his side, fur a red harse didn't look 
 
56 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 well with my name painted in white letters on his 
 side. 
 
 Ah, sez I, hot water will take it off. So into the 
 house I goes and I got a pail of hot water, and I got 
 up on a step-ladder and I poured the hot water on the 
 harse. Well, all I can say is, the hot water didn't 
 take the paint off the harse, but the harse tuck me 
 off the step-ladder. Why, he let fly at me wid his 
 heels and he struck me in the chin, and sint me 
 through the side of the barn. 
 
 Whin I wint in agin it wuz a sorry lookin' harse 
 that I saw. The hot water had taken the hair off in 
 strips, and he looked more like a zebra than a harse; 
 
 Well, I left him, as I thought he had trouble enough 
 fur one day. The nixt day I thought I would use 
 him, so I wint into his stall and unhitched him. And 
 I sez: "Back, back, Billy S back!" But niver aback 
 would Billy back, so I begun to push him and then 
 he began to push me, and he got me up agin the barn 
 and he almost squeezed the Ibif e out of me. 
 
 All right, sez I, we'll see. So I got a crowbar and 
 tried to pry him back, but it wuz of no use; he 
 wouldn't back. 
 
 At that I got mad and I called me dog, and set him 
 on him. I sez: " Sick him, Jack! Sick him, Jack! " 
 And Jack began to sick him. 
 
 He made a nip at the harse's hind leg. The second 
 nip the dog made was his last. The harse raised the 
 instep of his hind leg and let fly at the dog. He hit 
 the dog between his two forelegs or between his four 
 two legs, right in the pit of the stummic, and up wint 
 the dog clear to the rafters of the barn kerslam, and 
 down he cum agin to the flure. When he struck the 
 flure he wuz a dead dog, and he wuz as flat as a pm- 
 
THE HORSE THAT MIKE FLYNN BOUGHT. 57 
 
 cake. He looked more loike an ould door-mat than a 
 
 dog. 
 
 Well, sez I, that horse has got to back if it costs me 
 twinty dollars. So I got a rope and tied it to the 
 harse's hind legs, and thin I hitched a yolke of oxen 
 to the other ind of the rope, and thin I says : 
 
 4 4 Back ! William. Back ! Billy. " 
 
 But the harse only whinneyed in derision at me and 
 stud still. Thin I started the oxen, and whin they 
 began to pull, the harse's hind legs straitened out in 
 the air loike a clothes line. 
 
 Whin the harse saw what I wuz at, he grabbed the 
 manger between his teeth and held on for dear loife. 
 The oxen began to pull, and they moved the barn 
 about four feet off its foundation. 
 
 All of a sudden the harse let go and the oxen fell on 
 their foreheads in the dirt. The harse saw it wuz of 
 no use to hold out any longer and he began to back. 
 He backed out into the yard and thin I sez : 
 
 "Whoa! Billy." 
 
 But Billy wouldn't whoa. He kept backing and 
 backing. And the ould boy himself couldn't stop 
 him. He backed up agin me rainwater barrel and 
 dumped it over. He knocked over me hencoop. He 
 backed up aginst me hot-bed and broke it into smith- 
 ereens. He backed all over me flower garden, and 
 thin he backed over the front fince down the street, 
 and I caught him just as he was backing into me 
 neighbor's front door. 
 
 I grabbed hold of his bridle and sez : " Git ap ! Billy,' 
 and thin he began to balk and wouldn't go at all. 
 
 That was a nice fix to be in — on your neighbor's 
 front stoop with a balky harse. How to git him 
 home I did not know. 
 
 Finally, a thought struck me and I sez; "Ba/jfeJ 
 
58 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS HEADINGS. 
 
 Billy," and he began goin' home backward, and from 
 that day, the only way I could make him go wuz 
 backward. Troth, it was a funny sight to see me 
 with a wagon load of cabbage, backing into town. 
 The boys all used to call me Billy the Backer. 
 
 All wint, well till one day I tuck a wagon load of 
 potatoes into the town to sell: I hitched me harse in 
 front of a crockery store and wint into a house to try 
 to sell ,me potatoes. While I wuz gone some bad 
 boys came along and unhitched me harse and yelled, 
 " Back ! Billy, " and Billy began backing and he backed 
 the wagon load of potatoes right through the crockery 
 store window, and such a lot of broken dishes I never 
 saw before in me life, and I've been married a long 
 time. 
 
 Well, that trip cost me one hundred dollars to pay 
 fur the dishes. 
 
 That settled Billy fur me, and I sold him to an old 
 Italian rag peddler fur three dollars, and now I have 
 to bring me cabbage to town in a wheelbarrow. . 
 
 The nixt harse I buy will not be of a squint-eyed 
 man. Do you mDind? 
 
 DE WEDDER REPORTS. 
 
 I dink dot dhese wedder reports in de daily bapers 
 vas gedding a man all mixed up. 
 
 For instink, you go oud do-day in de rain und ged 
 vet mid dampness. You look in de bapers de next 
 day und read dot id rained yesterday. Don't you 
 know dot your ownself ven your clothes vas not dry 
 yet. Vy don't de bapers dell de day peforehand vat 
 
HE WANTED A PERFECT GIRL. 67 
 
 One had hair that was gray as a rat. 
 One was too dark, another too white; 
 He seemed unable to get one just right. 
 "I should like to get married," the farmer said, 
 " But the girl must be perfect that I shall wed. 
 .Her hair must be thick, and curly, and black; 
 She must wear it braided down her back; 
 Her eyes must be blue, she must have a fine nose, 
 Her cheeks mus^be fair as a pink tea rose. 
 She must have a small mouthj'lier teeth must be white, 
 In feature and form she must be just right. 
 So he lived alone till he grew very old, 
 And he never had a wife to scold. 
 Said he one day, " It is a pity 
 I have no wife. I'll go to the city, 
 And see if I cannot detect 
 A girl that is perfect in every respect." 
 So he blacked his boots, and put on his best clothes, 
 And to the city the old man goes, 
 And he gazed at each girl that he did meet, 
 As he walked about from street to street. 
 At last the fire flew to his eye, 
 A perfect girl he did espy. 
 He quickly flew unto her side, 
 And asked if she would be his bride. 
 He said, " I love none else but thee, 
 You're perfect, and you just suit me, 
 I'll give to you my house and farm," 
 Then he tried to hug her with his one arm ; 
 "You must be mine," the old man did mutter, 
 But he fell dead when he heard her stutter. 
 
 DE VAY SIMON" TOOK DE PIG TO MR. SPIEGLES. 
 
 Did you vas efer try do trife a hog pig ? Veil, id 
 vas a nice job, I dell you. 
 
 I trove von vonce, und I tole you I had rather 
 drive nails den hogs. 
 
 Ven I vas a small boy my fadder said von day, 
 "Simon, I vant you to trife de black und vite hog 
 down do Misder Spiegles. He lives about a mile down 
 

 68 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 de road. Hurry up mit yourself, and be pack in dime 
 for school." 
 
 Veil, I started mit de hog und dot vas de last he 
 saw off me for twenty-five or nine hours. I vent 
 of er do de pig ben, und I say, pig ! pig ! pig ! und de 1 
 pig he got up and says, ugh ! ugh ! 
 
 I don't know vat he means py dofc ugh ! ugh ! but 
 ef ry ding I say do him he says, ugh ! ugh ! Veil, I 
 pegin do scratch his back, und he stood still, und den 
 I grab hold off his ears und oben de ben, und lead him 
 outside. Ven I got him outside he look around, und 
 den says, ugh! ugh! und he give a jump und off he 
 vent. He struck me mit his snoot nose und knocked 
 me ofer. He ran for de front gate und dook id off ids 
 hinges, und down de street he run in de opposite di- 
 rection from Mr. Spiegles. I whistled und said, 
 "Here! pig! pig! pig!" but he wouldn't notice me, 
 und down de street I vent afder him. 
 
 I didn't thought dot a pig could run very fast, but I 
 find dot I vas mistooken. I vent dwo miles pefore 
 I could overtook him. Ven I come up to him he vas 
 fast asleep py de side off de road, so I vent gently up 
 und tied my handkerchief round his pehind leg. Just 
 as I got id tied he says, ugh! und he hit me a kick in 
 the shin. Den I says ugh myself, und I drew off and 
 kicked him in de side. Und den he set up und looked 
 ad me. 
 
 I says, "Veil, old feller, off you vas rested I guess 
 ve vill go home." So I took hold off de handkerchief 
 dot vas around his leg, und I says, " Come pig! come 
 pig ! " und I scratch his back. 
 
 So long as I scratch his back he vas quiet, but ven 
 I try do pull him along he got excited. De more I 
 pulled him, de harder he stood still. Veil, I vent 
 indo a house near py, und I say do de man, 
 
DE VAT SIMON TOOK DE PIG. 69 
 
 " Could you borrow a proom handle do me? I vant 
 to trive my pig home, und I dink I could handle 
 him mit-a handle." 
 
 Veil, I dook de proom handle und vent oud in de 
 street, und de pig vas gone. I look ofer in de man's 
 lot, und dere vas my pig eating his turnips up. I 
 jumped ofer indo de lot, und I pegan do handle him 
 mit de handle undill I broke id indo (de handle, not 
 de pig) six or four pieces. 
 
 Ven de man saw dot pig in his turnips, he come oud 
 mit a musket gun und shoot dot pig all full mit holes, 
 und he kicked me on de seat off my trousers pants. 
 Ven de pig heard dot gun vent off he pegin do run, 
 und he run about three or von miles nearer away 
 from mine house. I run cross lots to head him off 
 und I got in front off him. He rushed between my 
 dwo legs, und I grabbed hold off his dail mit von 
 hand und hold off his ear mit de odder, und down de 
 street he vent mit me on de pig's back. 
 
 Id vas de piggest ride I ef er dook ! I held on mit 
 all off my might und part off my main, und purdy 
 quick I loose hold off de pig's ear und I dumbled off 
 in a mud gutter puddle, but I kept hold off de pig's 
 dail, und I hold on like sixty or ^ixty-five. 
 
 All off a sudden de pig's dail come out py de roots, 
 und he made von jump ofer a barb-vire fence py de 
 side off de road, und he got all dangled up mit him- 
 self, und deri I had him. Dot vould have peen a land- 
 scape for an artist ! Me in de middle off de road mit 
 a laugh on my mouth und a pig's tail in my hand 
 mitout no pig on id, und de pig hanging on de vire 
 fence mitout no tail on de pig. 
 
 Veil, I did'nt know vat to done. I vas afraid dot if 
 I dook de pig down dot he vould run away vonce 
 more. So I vent indo a house near py und I bor- 
 
70 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 rowed a wheelbarrow und a blanket, und I wrapped de 
 blanket around de wheelbarrow — I mean I wrapped 
 de pig around de blanket — de wheelbarrow around 
 de pig — de — de wheelbarrow around de blanket — 
 
 Veil, veil ! how ish dot? I wrapped de pig up mit de 
 blanket wrapped around him, und I pud him in de 
 wheelbarrow und tied him in mit a clothesline, und 
 den I put a large stone on de top off him. Und den I 
 wheeled him do Mr. Speigles. My jimminy huckle- 
 berries ! vasen't I dired ! It vas de next day"dot night 
 ven I got home. 
 
 DE FOLKS ALL GRAB HOLD OF MY EAR. 
 
 Off you vill but listen a minute or dwo, 
 
 My droubles to you I'll make known, 
 I'm fadderless, motterless, und mi tout friends, 
 
 Und I've been kicked oud of my home. 
 I vent into a store a few clays ago, 
 
 Und called for a glass of root beer; 
 I drank me it down, und vent to go oud 
 
 Ven de clerk grabbed hold off my ear. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 Now vat is de reason dot people act so? 
 
 I dink dot it is very queer, 
 It don't make no difference verever I go, 
 
 De folks all grab hold of my ear. 
 
 Louwesa KaRouse vas de name of my gal, 
 
 I loved her right veil, you may bet, 
 I've been going mit her six years und a half, 
 
 Und still I am" not married yet. 
 I asked her if she'd be my vife yesterday; 
 
 She smiled, und said, "Yes, my dear!" 
 I put up my mouth to receive my first kiss, 
 
 Ven she grabbed right hold of my ear. 
 
 Chorus. — Now, vat is de reason, etc. 
 
OLD MOTHER HUBBARD. - • 71 
 
 My coat vas ragged und all full mit holes, 
 
 So I thought Fd get vone dot vas new, 
 I vent into a store und saw nobody dere, 
 
 So I made up my mind to dake dwo. 
 I grabbed me dem up und vent for de door, 
 
 You ought to see me disappear, 
 But I hadn't gone more den a block down de street, 
 
 Yen a policeman grabbed hold of my ear. 
 
 Chorus. — Now, vat is de reason, etc. 
 
 De policeman he dook me along to de jail, 
 
 Und chucked me right into a cell; 
 De vails vas damp, und der bed it vas hard, 
 
 Yitch I didn't like purty veil. 
 Next day he come in und told me to come oud, 
 
 I vas sleeping und so didn't hear, 
 But I find purty quick vat he vas about 
 
 Yen he grabbed right hold of my ear. 
 
 Chorus. — Now vat is de reason, etc. 
 
 De policeman took me in front of de judge, 
 
 He asked me why I took dot coat ? 
 I told de judge it vas a blamed lie, 
 
 Und de policeman he jumped for my throat. 
 De judge said for stealing he'd give me six months; 
 
 He spoke to a cop standing near; 
 De cop he winked at de judge, und den 
 
 He valked me right off by my ear. 
 
 Chokus. — Now vat is de reason, etc. 
 
 OLD MOTHER HUBBARD. 
 A boy's recitation. 
 
 Old Mother Hubbard she went to the cupboard to 
 get the— to get the — poor bone for his dog — to get the 
 poor dog — Old mother dog she went to the cup- 
 board to get the poor Hubbard his bone — to get the 
 poor dog his Hubbard— Old Mother Hubbard she 
 went to the dog, to get the poor dog his dog— She 
 went to the cupboard to get the poor dog his bone, 
 
72 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 When she got there the dog was bare — the dog was 
 the bone— the cupboard was the dog — the — the bear 
 was a bone — - When the dog got there the Hubbard 
 was there and so 4;he poor dog was none. When the 
 Hubbard got none the dog Avas there — the dog — Old 
 Mother Bear she went to the cupboard to get Mother 
 Hubbard her dog. When the bone got the dog, the 
 cupboard was none, and so the poor dog had the cup- 
 board — the poor cupboard had — the bone — dog — 
 When the dog got there it was bare to the bone, and 
 so the poor bear had the dog. And so Mrs. Hubbard 
 had the dog's bare bone. • 
 
 Old Mother Hubbard she went to the— to— to the — 
 I can't speak it now, I am so nervous. 
 
 DE COLORED DEBATING SOCIETY. 
 
 G-EMMON, you will pleas cum to order. 
 
 We hab met here to-night to express our 'pinions in 
 regard to de subjec' ob Personal Appearance. But 
 befo we begin to commence, I would like to say jes a 
 word. 
 
 You know dat Brudder Watkins was expelled from 
 this siety las week fur a breach of de piece agin his 
 hoss, who he struck ober de head wid a fence rail. As 
 Mr. Watkins has since expressed deep repentance 
 fur de deed and hab also sent me a nice sugar-cured 
 ham, if dere is no objection he will be reinstated in 
 de siety. 
 
 Dere is a proposition on de table. It is de name ob 
 Mr. Moveforward, who hab lately cum among us. 
 He has got considerable intelligence and has got 
 
DE COLORED DEBATING SOCIEtt. ?:j 
 
 straight hair, and a cullard man wid straight hair 
 would be an ornament to dis siety. I hope he will be 
 voted in. We have annudder proposition. 
 
 It is de name of Mr. Eddy, but he died last week an' 
 de proposition must lay on de table fur one week. 
 
 We hab annudder name to propose. It is Mr. 
 Goff, who hab a wife and seben small children to sup- 
 port, and he ain't feelin' berry well an 1 he wants to git 
 into dis siety so he kin draw de dollah a month bene- 
 fit to help him out. I hope dis name will be ignored 
 as we is not running a hospital. 
 
 We will now take up de debate ob de ebening — Per- 
 sonal Appearance. 
 
 Out of regard fur de subjec' I am glad to see so 
 many who hab been in the habit ob wearing yeller 
 and black checkered shirts an' only one suspender 
 come here to-night wid white shirts an' two suspend- 
 ers. 
 
 I will call on Mr. Simpson (who I see hab had his 
 hair cut de las' week) to open de debate. 
 
 Mr. Simpson. — Mr. President an' Members, I will 
 explain wny I look so slick to-night. 
 
 Night before las' I met Brudder Jones, an' we was 
 discussing de subject ob Personal Appearance, an we 
 engaged in personal violence agin one annudder. I 
 took de affirmative an' he took de negative, an' I was 
 tryin' to show him de mote in his eye, an' he was 
 tryin' to show me de bean in my eye in regard to dis 
 subject, when we clinched an' went down. 
 
 He fell on top ob me an' he got hold ob my clothes, 
 and he ripped and tore till he got all my garments 
 off, an I had to wear my brudder Bill's clothes to- 
 night. But I believe in Personal Appearance even if 
 I do hab to wear my brudder Bill's clothes. An' I'll 
 
74 ORIGINAL humorous readings. 
 
 always try to look well as long as my brudder Bill's 
 clothes last* 
 
 President. — Mr. Simpson, I wish dat you would wake 
 Mr. Sikes up, who' is asleep ober in de corner near de 
 stove. I want to call on him nex\ We will now listen 
 to Mr. Sikes. 
 
 Mr. Sikes.— Mr. President, an' Members of the 
 siety, I would like to beg de pardon ob de members 
 for f allin' asleep, but I was out late last night watchiri' 
 my neighbor's watermelon patch, an' to-night I was so 
 sleepy I couldn't resist de chance to snooze. 
 
 Last week de President axed de members to try an' 
 appear at dis meetin' wid respectible clothes, as de 
 subject was to be Personal Appearance, so I skived 
 around to try to git some good clothes. I tried to sell 
 my boss for a suit ob clothes, but everybody had more 
 hosses dan clothes. I about gin up de idea of comin' 
 here to-night, but my nephew, Silas Cobalt, died las' 
 night and he left dese clothes I'm wearin' to me. Dey 
 bag^ in de knees a little, an' de lining ob de coat am 
 gone, but I'm sure dat I look better dan I did, fur a 
 man cum up to me de fust time I wore urn an' wanted 
 to borrow a dollar ob me, an I took dat for a sure sign 
 dat I looked respectable. 
 
 I would like to say fur Brudder Snow, Sr„ , dat he 
 indorses de idea ob personal appearance as a good 
 thing. He was unable to be present to-night because 
 de only shirt he has got was in de washtub. 
 
 President. — I would like to hab Nichodemus 
 Twitchell git in his opinion. 
 
 Mr. Twitchell. — Mr. President, I wo-wo-wo-would 
 like t-t-t-to sa-sa-say a wo-wo-wo-word, bu-bu but I m- 
 m-m-might ta-ta-ta-take up t-t-t-too mu-mu-mu-much 
 t-t-time, s-s-s-s-so you wi-wi-wi-will ex-ex-ex-ex-excuse 
 m-m-m-m-nm 
 
DE COLORED DEBATING SOCIETY. 75 
 
 President. —I am gratified to see dis subject handled 
 wid so much intelligence dis ebening. It shows dat 
 de cullard man am advancing. Keep up your per- 
 sonal appearance and you will soon be able to borrow 
 all de money you want. I wish dat Brudder Sikes 
 would lock de door as we is about to take up a collec- 
 tion, and I don't want any one to be taken sick an' 
 leave. 
 
 De object ob dis collection is to git money to buy 
 a chair fur the new member we elected in to-night, as 
 Mr. Jones, who has kindly lended us his washtub to 
 sit on, hab got to take it home. We also need money 
 to buy a lock fur de door, as it is gitting radder riskey 
 lockin' de door wid a screw driver or a piece of string. 
 
 I will appoint Brudders Simpson an' Twitchell a 
 committee ob six to draft resolutions on de death ob 
 our member we was going to 'lect to-night. I would 
 sudjest dat de committe insert de following claws : 
 
 Resolved — Dat while we regret de death ob de de- 
 ceased, it will be onpossible fur us to pay de dollah 
 death benefit, fo he died one week befo" he joined de 
 siety. 
 
 Resolved — Dat de decesed cum to his timely end by 
 his own carelessness in bein' caught in a hen-£oop at 
 one o'clock. in de morninV where he was shot while 
 stealin' chickens. 
 
 I would suggest dat out ob respect to de diseased 
 dedd man, dat de members ob dis siety wear crape on 
 dere suspenders fur twelve days beginning last night. 
 
 I would say dat de collection las' week amounted to 
 de enormous sum ob forty-four cents, including two 
 brass buttons. As dis is not a church collection, we 
 don't take no buttons, an I hope dat de purson dat 
 put de buttons in de box will be stricken Avid remorse, 
 
76 OBIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 an come an change de buttons fur ten dollah gold 
 pieces. 
 
 Week befo las' we had de subjeck ob debate, Total 
 Abstanance. De subject didn't take very well, fur 
 dar was nobody hear but me an' de stove. We will 
 modify it a little an nex week de subjeck will be 
 Temperance. 
 
 I hope we will hab a full attendance. 
 
 I don't want de attendance to be full, but I want 
 de room full, owing to the importance ob de subject an 1 
 also to de fact dat de price ob cider hab gone up to- 
 eight cents a quart. I hope de members will appear 
 at de meetin' full of soberness. 
 
 A BOY'S ESSAY ON THE ROUND CLAM. 
 
 The round clam is sometimes known as the bivalve. 
 The reason it is called a bivalve is because it is a 
 bivalve. 
 
 If it was a dog it would be called a dog. You 
 cannot* catch cla-ms with a hook and line. Clams 
 cannot sing or whistle, or play the piano, but it can 
 keep still, which is more than some people can do. 
 
 It is a very friendly insect, and it is always good- 
 natured. You can talk to it all day, and it will not 
 answer back. The chief occupation of a clam is to 
 keep still. Some people might call him lazy, but it is 
 not his fault, for wherever he lays he has to stay. 
 
 A clam is a very sedate animal ; no one has ever 
 seen one laugh. All that can be seen of a clam's coun- 
 tenance is not visible. 
 
 Clams have never been known to run from an 
 
A BOT'S ESSAY OJST THE ROUND CLAM. 77 
 
 enemy. They will stand their ground, no matter 
 who attacks them. 
 
 A clam cannot climb a tree or kick football. It 
 cannot live on the land, but it can live in the water. 
 
 It would be of no use to plant clams in y our garden, 
 for they would not grow. I mean they would not 
 grow up like corn or wheat. They would perhaps 
 grow old, but an old clam is not a very good thing to 
 have around the yard. 
 
 Clams are always ripe. 
 
 The best way to get clams is to— buy them. They 
 are very easy to dress. You put them in a good hot 
 fire and they will dress themselves. 
 
 A clam is very courageous, but will not bite or bark. 
 
 Oh, clam ! oh, clam ! why was thou made 
 
 To keep within thy shell? 
 Thy life must be a lonesome pne, 
 
 Ain't it? Do tell— do tell ! 
 
 I wish that you might run and jump, 
 Play ball and eat ice-cream, 
 
 But all the time you simply lay 
 And dream, and dream, and dream. 
 
 And when the clammer comes along 
 
 And-sees you in the sand, 
 He thrusts his rake beneath you, 
 
 Then grabs you in his hand. 
 
 It seems too bad you have no legs 
 
 With which to run away, 
 For if you had then you would live 
 
 Until some other clay. 
 
 A clam has no teeth, but it has gums. If you ever 
 had your finger between a clam's two clam-shells, you 
 no doubt know how it can pinch. 
 
78 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 The food of a clam consists wholly of that upon 
 which it feeds. 
 
 The long clam is the round clam's nephew, and its 
 mode of living and place of habitation are very much 
 different from the round clam. The round clam 
 reclines upon the surface of the mud, but the long 
 clam burrows in the mud, earth, sand or gravel. 
 
 The long clam does nob scratch in the sand for its 
 food like a chicken, but it lays in wait for its prey. 
 It subsists largely upon salt water, and when the 
 water comes rushing in upon it, it seizes it in its re- 
 lentless grasp, and gulps it down in great large gulps. 
 When the tide is low the long clam stretches its 
 neck and head to the surface of the sand, and gazes 
 in peacefulness upon the blue sky above, and he 
 whiles the happy moments away in doing nothing. 
 
 There is a great deal of difference between the ele- 
 phant and the clam. The elephant has a trunk, but 
 the clam has none. The clam has not even a valise. 
 The clam has no bones, and his skeleton is on the out- 
 side. 
 
 The reason the long clam is called the long is be- 
 cause it takes so long to find them. 
 
 There are four varieties of clams, as follows: The 
 long clam, the round clam, the round clam and the 
 long clam. There are also the round and the long 
 which I have just mentioned. 
 
 When a clam is separated from its shell it does not 
 die at once, but it relapses into a state of unconscious- 
 ness, but when you fry it for five minutes, or even 
 for an hour, death sets in. 
 
 I always like to attend a clam's funeral, and' be one 
 of the bearers. 
 
 After a clam has been removed from its shells you 
 cannot raise any more clams from the same shells. 
 
A BOY'S ESSAY ON THE MOUND CLAM. 79 
 
 Clams are cooked in a great many ways. Some 
 people like them one way and some like another. I 
 prefer the latter. 
 
 Some people like them raw, but there is only one 
 way to cook them raw. This is the way to prepare a 
 raw clam. You first build a fire and boil two quarts 
 of water ; then remove the clams from the shells or 
 the shells from the clam. You then eat the clam, 
 and use the water to wash the dishes with. 
 
 Some people suppose that clams grow on bushes like 
 huckleberries, but they do not. This is an enormous 
 —I mean erroneous idea. 
 
 There are seven different ways to spell clam, but 
 there is only one right way. 
 
 Clams as a food are very healthy. They are not as 
 healthy as tenderloin — cabbage, but they are healthier 
 than watermelon rinds or kerosene oil. 
 
 A clam is not very wise. 
 
 A clam shell is more full of meat than wisdom. 
 
 Clams are sometimes used in making clam chowder. 
 There is one instance upon record where (at a 
 church festival) two whole clams were used in mak- 
 ing only two gallons of clam chowder. There is 
 something funny about a clam ; the Salter a clam is 
 the fresher it is. 
 
 In order to find out the age of a clam you first find 
 out the year in which it was born ; then multiply the 
 number of years it has lived by the time it has 
 existed, and you will have its age. Long clams live 
 longer than round clams, for they are longer to begin 
 with. 
 
 Clams do not have legs or arms, so they don't have 
 the rheumatism, or chilblains, or corns. A clam 
 don't have the toothache, for he has no teeth, and he 
 ought to be happy. 
 
80 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING SINCE. 
 
 A man joined the police force a short time ago, 
 And he hasn't done anything since; 
 
 The first day he' thought he would make a big show, 
 But he hasn't done anything since. 
 
 He put on his clothes, and went out with a whoop, 
 
 And down on the little small boys he did swoop; 
 
 That night he was caught asleep on a stoop, 
 And he hasn't done anything since. 
 
 A dude went to skate in a rink one night, 
 And he hasn't done anything since; 
 He put on the skates, but they did not work right, 
 
 And he hasn't done anything since. 
 He turned out his heels, and he turned in his toes, 
 He fell on the floor and spoiled his best clothes, 
 The floor flew up and struck him in the nose, 
 And he hasn't done anything since. 
 
 A little boy went to his father's duck pond, 
 
 And he hasn't done anything since; 
 A little drake' duck was swimming thereon, 
 But the duck hasn't been there since. 
 The boy went home and a gun he got, 
 And he filled the little duck's body with shot, 
 But the gun kicked him over into the next lot, 
 And he hasn't done anything since. 
 
 One leap year a girl proposed to her beau, 
 And she hasn't done anything since; 
 
 For her feller deliberately answered her " No," 
 And she has' nt done anything since. 
 
 The man told the girl that he loved another, 
 
 And to her he could be no more than a brother; 
 
 But she fainted away when he married her mother, 
 And she hasn't done anything since. . 
 
 A man bought his boy a little jack mule, 
 And he hasn't done anything since; 
 
 The little boy thought that the Jack was a fool, 
 But he hasn't thought that way since. 
 
 The little boy pulled the mule's tail just in play, 
 
 When the boy struck the earth they took him away; 
 
 His funeral took place the very next day, 
 And he hasn't done anything since. 
 
Mr first fishing trip. &i 
 
 MY FIKST FISHING TRIP. 
 
 About years ago I went on my first fishing trip. 
 
 I was persuaded to go by a friend of mine who was 
 here on a visit. His name was Charlie. He was from 
 
 — , and the stories he told about his great luck as 
 a fisherman would make the biggest liar in this 
 town hang his head in shame. 
 
 He got me so excited that I made up my mind that 
 I wanted to go fishing myself. He said that 
 part of the fun was in getting ready to go, and that 
 he would go with me and help select the poles, reels, 
 lines, etc. ; he did not tell me how much the etc. would 
 cost, r or I should not have gone. 
 
 Well, I met him at the store and we selected the 
 tackle. First I bought a pole, which. was six dollars. 
 Then a reel for two dollars ; one dozen hooks, seventy- 
 five cents; four lines, one dollar; fish basket, one 
 dollar and a half ; flies, one dollar ; floats, fifty cents ; 
 sinkers, forty cents. I asked if he thought I was 
 going to start a store. He said, ' * You will need all 
 of these things." I said, "We had better buy a boat, 
 hadn't we?" He laughed. Well, it cost me twelve 
 dollars and seventy cents to get out of that store. 
 
 We then went home to get things ready for the next 
 day. The paper said local rains, but Charlie said the 
 fish would bite better if it did rain a little. We set 
 the alarm clock for five in the morning, for we were 
 going on a train that started at 6.20, and we wanted 
 to eat breakfast before we went. 
 
 Well, we went to bed. I was so nervous that I 
 awoke seven times during the night and looked at the 
 clock each time to be sure I was not sleeping over. 
 6 
 
82 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS HEADINGS. 
 
 At last I fell into a doze and I was dreaming that I 
 was catching large fish that would weigh twelve 
 pounds apiece, when I was awakened by the whirr-r- 
 r-r of the alarm clock. 
 
 I gave Charlie -a punch in the ribs and yelled, 
 " Time to get up," and I sprang out of bed. As it was 
 dark I could not see, and I sprang the wrong way 
 and caught my toe in the foot board of the bed and 
 fell headlong against the bureau, and broke the 
 mirror. I dressed myself with a sad heart, for the 
 mirror cost forty dollars. After I had finished dress- 
 ing, it occurred to me that it was rather dark for five 
 o'clock and I looked at the clock and it was only 
 three. Charlie said he was going back to bed again, 
 but I said I would sit up and read, and would call 
 him at five. I sat down and began to read, but I soon 
 fell asleep, and the next time I awoke, the sun was 
 up. I looked at the clock — quarter of six. 
 
 " Come, Charlie," I yelled, " we are Jate, we will have 
 to hurry." 
 
 Well, we flew around and grabbed our basket and 
 started for the depot. We did not have time to eat 
 any breakfast. Just before we reached the depot we 
 heard the whistle of the locomotive and we started to 
 run. The second step I took my knee struck the 
 basket and I fell flat in the street and my basket fell 
 over, and all the stuff rolled out 1 into the mud. And 
 such a sight! there lay my fish-hooks, lines, ham 
 sandwiches, sinkers, cake and eggs, all in a heap. 
 
 I hastily scraped them together, all mud, and sand, 
 and rubbed the mud out of my ears, and started 
 again. I arrived at the depot just in time — to be too 
 late. I looked at Charlie, and wiped the sweat 
 and mud from my face. 
 
 Charlie said, "Well, what shall we do? walk to 
 
MY FIRST FISHING TRIP. 83 
 
 lake (which was five miles away) or go home." 
 
 I said, "Charles, I have started out for a day's 
 pleasure, and I had rather walk twenty miles than 
 turn back." 
 
 So we started for lake, which was five miles 
 
 away. Charlie was very kind to me, and let me 
 carry the basket all the way. . 
 
 We arrived at the lake at two o'clock. The boats 
 were all out with the exception of one small one that 
 the man said leaked a little. He said we would have 
 to pay a dollar in advance. We bought some bait, 
 which was a dollar more. Everything seemed to be a 
 dollar. 
 
 Charlie said I would have to pay, as he had left 
 his pocket-book at home. I began to wish that he had 
 left me at home. 
 
 Well, we started up the lake in the boat. Charlie 
 said we would troll going up to the fishing ground. 
 He was kind to me again, and. let mo do the rowing- 
 I rowed for a half hour, when I Ibegan to feel a 
 dampness about my feet and I looked down at them 
 and saw that the water was cominf ; in the hole in 
 the boat, and was running into my 1 oots. I stopped 
 to roll up my pants when Charlie yel ed, " Don't stop 
 rowing, the troll will catch on the ro sks." So I pulled 
 harder than ever, expecting every mi ute that I would 
 drown.- The blisters began to appear i >n my hands and 
 my arms ached, but I said nothing i 5 1 thought that 
 was part of the fun, 
 
 Finally Charlie said, " Are you tire L?" I shook my 
 head. I couldn't speak. 
 
 At last he said, " I guess we will stc p here." If ever 
 a man was glad it was I, when he s lid, ' ' I guess we 
 will stop here." He was "kind" t) me again, and 
 ' ; Jet" me lift the anchor and throw it overboard. It 
 

 84 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 * 
 
 only weighed two hundred pounds. It had just 
 reached the bottom of the lake, when Charlie said, 
 you will have to lift the anchor again ; we are seven 
 inches too near the shore. Well, we moved. 
 
 At last we got settled. We put the lines on the poles 
 and baited our hooks, and then waited for a bite. 
 We soon liad more bites than we wanted, but they 
 were bites of musquitos, which buzzed around us 
 by the thousand, and it was, "slap!" "bang!" and 
 "oh dear!" and "my gracious!" till we were well 
 nigh crazy. 
 
 Suddenly Charlie (who has a number one voice) 
 yelled, "Pull Jim! pull Jim! you have got a bite." 
 I could feel something heavy, and I pulled with all 
 my might, and visions of a fish that would weigh 
 eight pounds filled my brain. I strained, and tugged, 
 when suddenly my pole broke and I went over- 
 board into the lake. I tried to holler for help, but 
 my mouth filled with water and I sank to the bot- 
 tom of the lake. In about five minutes I rose to the 
 surface. As I came to the top, Charlie held out an oar 
 toward me, and I grasped it, but it broke in two and 
 I sank again. The next time, I came up under the 
 boat, and my head hit the bottom of the boat ker 
 whack. The shock almost knocked Charlie out of 
 the boat. But just as I was sinking for the last time 
 he grabbed me by the hair and pulled me into the boat. 
 I lay on the bottom of the boat for ten minutes, when I 
 finally opened my eyes. When I opened my eyes, 
 what do you think Charlie said? 
 
 He said, " Oh dear, it's too bad you fell overboard, 
 it will scare all the fish." 
 
 That made me mad. 
 
 I pulled my boots off and poured the water out, 
 and wrung the water from my clothes, and went 
 

 MY FIRST FISHING TRIP. 
 
 85 
 
 ashore and ate our lunch, and such a lunch! The 
 sandwiches were covered with ants and sand, and 
 nothing was left of the eggs but the shells. I looked 
 for the two bottles of soda water we had when we 
 started, and could find nothing but the empty bottles. 
 Charlie said that he had drank both of them as he sup- 
 posed we had four bottles insteaa* of two; that was 
 more of his kindness to me. I did not feel like drinking 
 any water, as I was full of that already, but I sucked 
 a lemon I had with me and I felt better. After lunch 
 we started for the boat, when lo and behold! it was 
 floating from the shore. Charlie was kind to me 
 again, and said, " Well, Jim, as you are already wet, 
 you might as well go in and get the boat ; " so I waded 
 in clear up to my chin, and pulled the boat ashore. 
 
 We got in and rowed out in the lake and began to 
 fish again, that is, Charlie fished, I did not have any 
 pole, for when I fell overboard, my pole went with me 
 and it sank to the bottom, never to rise again. I had 
 saved a small piece of my line, however. I found it 
 on the anchor. That was the large fish I tried to pull 
 in. 
 
 Purty soon a local shower struck us and the 
 water ran down in rivulets from our fingers. It 
 was very pleasant, for the water in the boat was up 
 to our knees, and we had to keep bailing it out to keep 
 from sinking. 
 
 I began to get discouraged, and I said, "Let's go 
 home, Charlie." He said. "All right," so we started 
 for home. I told him that I was chilly and I would 
 walk along the shore and he could row the boat along: 
 He said " All right " and he let me out. 
 
 As one oar was broken he had to get an old board 
 in its place, and it was fun to see him try to row. I 
 was walking along the shore laughing at him, when 
 
86 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 my troubles began again. As I stepped upon what 
 appeared to be a nice, smooth spot, I sank in the mud 
 up to my knees, and in trying to extricate myself my 
 boot came off in the mud. I searched and found a 
 stick and got my boot with it. I sat down to put it 
 on. I did not notice what I was sitting upon, until, 
 feeling a tickling sensation upon my hand, I looked 
 for the cause and discovered a hornet crawling upon 
 it. I arose, looked around, and saw that I had been 
 sitting on a hornet's nest. 
 
 About the time I discovered the hornet, he dis- 
 covered me, and he introduced himself in a sharp and 
 sudden "manner, to which I responded with a yell. 
 It was a first class yell, you may bet. That yell 
 of mine was the signal for about seven thousand 
 six hundred and twenty -seven hornets to appear, and 
 they all made for the same object, and that object was 
 me. 
 
 Then I began to be filled with a desire to "move on," 
 and not only to move on but to move with alacrity, 
 and with all the speed I was capable, of. The hornets 
 settled upon me by the thousand, and as they snug- 
 gled up against me I felt as if I was on fire. Oh how 
 I did run I I tore through the bushes like mad. I 
 slapped my neck, face, hands, and body. I yelled 
 and kicked, but it was of no use, the hornets had 
 come to stay. 
 
 Suddenly a bright idea struck me, and I ran and 
 plunged into the lake, and as I felt the cool water 
 strike my hornet heated brow, I was filled with 
 thankfulness. I lay in the water for some time; I 
 wanted to be sure that the hornets had gone before I 
 emerged from the lake. I finally waded ashore ; as 
 my feet touched the bank I saw a small yellow object 
 coming for me. I dove into the water like a- shot. 
 I found upon investigation that the yellow object 
 I mistook for a hornet was nothing but a leaf, and I 
 breathed easier. I then resumed my journey toward 
 the boat house. 
 
 The walk over the rough stones was very painful, 
 as I had left one of my boots with the hornets and one 
 of my feet was bare. 
 
 I made up my mind that I would not go back after 
 

 TllK flirncil FESTIVAL AUC'fl<>\. 8? 
 
 that boot for five dollars. At last I reached the boat 
 house and found Charlie waiting for me. 
 
 We took the next train for home, and the next time 
 I go fishing, I doict go. 
 
 THE CHURCH FESTIVAL AUCTION". 
 
 Now, ladies and gentlemen, here are some biscuits 
 that have been left from the Church Festival, which I 
 will auction off. First, how much am I offered for 
 these two dozen biscuit? They were baked by the 
 minister's wife, and are the regulation size. If you 
 don't wish to eat them, you can put handles in them 
 and use them for mallets, or you can pave the walk 
 with them." How much am I offered for the stones? 
 ( I mean biscuit). I am offered eight cents. Who will 
 give fifty -eight? They are good to eight, eight. Who 
 will give twenty -five? It's bid by the minister's wife ; 
 she wants to get them back to bring to the next 
 church supper. Sold for twenty-five cents. 
 
 How much am I offered for this pie? It was made 
 this year. If you do not want to eat it now you can 
 keep it until fall. It is a new style, cut biased, with 
 scolloped edges; it will not hurt a child, for there 
 is nothing inside but air. Mince-pie — all the meat 
 there is in it is where the upper and under crust meet 
 in the centre ; it opens with hinges. You can put a 
 handle on it and use it for a fan, or a lawn tennis 
 racket. I'm bid ten cents, with two holes in. Sold. 
 Mr. Jones is stuck on the pie. 
 
 How much am I offered for this pound cake, war- 
 ranted to contain seven raisins, free from debt, worth 
 seventy -five cents? Who will give ten? It is good for 
 an anchor to a sail-boat. Who wants the pound cake? 
 warranted to weigh seven pounds. . A bottle , of 
 Jamaica ginger goes with it. Ah ! Mr. Smith bids 
 twenty-eight cents for it ; I guess he Wants it for a 
 grindstone. Sold. 
 
88 OUIGINAL SltMOUOirs HEADINGS. 
 
 ONLY A STREET-CAK CONDUCTOK. 
 
 A PARODY ON DORA SHAW'S " ONLY A STREET-CAR CON- 
 DUCTOR." 
 
 Only a street-car conductor, 
 
 Und not a society man, 
 Who laughs mit a grin at de ladies, 
 
 Go find me his peer if you can. 
 Mit his coat buttoned up to Ms necktie,- 
 
 Or vhere his necktie ought to be, 
 Who thinks ven he sees some von looking, 
 
 I yonder if he's vatching me. 
 
 Only a street-car conductor, 
 
 He alvays does vear a nice smile, 
 Perhaps dot he vas absent-minded, 
 
 Und forgets himself vonce in a vile. 
 Und ven dere vas ten fares paid him, 
 
 Or, for instance, suppose ve say twelf, 
 He gives eight fares to de company, 
 
 De other four goes to himself. 
 
 Only a street-car conductor, 
 
 He stands on his feet all clay, 
 He helps to de platform de old und young, 
 
 In a gentle und dignified vay. 
 De rich und de poor he shows to a seat, 
 
 Amid de bustle und whirl; 
 It don't.make no difference whoefer dey be, 
 
 Even a good-lookin' girl. 
 
 Only a street-car conductor, 
 
 He vatches de passengers close, 
 For sometimes dey ring de wrong bell, 
 
 Und for him dot makes a bad dose! 
 For dat ring alvays costs him five cents, 
 
 Und vas alvays dook out off his" pay, 
 Und off it vas done many times, 
 
 It vould ring all his wages avay ! 
 
ONLY A STREET-CAR CONDUCTOR. 
 
 SO 
 
 Only a street-car conductor 
 
 Vas alvays a good-lookin chap, 
 He don't follow fashion— oh, no; 
 
 For six years he has worn de same cap. 
 Only a street-car conductor, 
 
 Mit demptations to rob mid steal 
 To help him support a large family, 
 
 Und furnish dem rice und oatmeal. 
 
 His overcoat tails vas never too sh^jt, 
 
 His finger nails never too long, 
 He alvays gives you de right change back, 
 
 Dot is if he don't give it wrong! 
 He might make mistakes vonce in a vile, 
 
 On account of some careless touch, 
 But don't forget dis, ven he gives you your change 
 
 He never gives back too much. 
 
 Only a street-car conductor 
 
 Mit a purpose dots fixed und true', 
 To steal all silver mit holes in, 
 
 Und some mitoud holes in too. 
 He gets six minutes for breakfast, 
 
 Ten at noon, und rive more at night; 
 He vorks ten hours in de daytime, 
 
 In de evening seven more — dot ain't rignt. 
 
 Only a street-car conductor, 
 
 Covered all over mit dust, 
 He makes change mit electric quickness, 
 
 Und sometimes don't never vill drust. 
 He never drinks vine, or cider, 
 
 Or goes out mit de boys for fun, 
 For de stores vas closed ven he gets through, 
 
 Und de toil off his labor vas done. 
 
 Only a street-car conductor, 
 
 Gets ten dollars a veek all told, 
 No vender he don't wear collars, 
 
 Or stockings, und alvays looks old. 
 1 think dat his vork vas too numerous, 
 
 To much fur so little pay, 
 But you know dot he counts his own money, 
 
 rud pays himself off every day. 
 

 90 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS HEADINGS. 
 
 REUBEN'S FIRST TRIP TO THE CITY WITH HIS 
 
 GAL. 
 
 It was about four years ago, that me and mi gal, 
 Sal Atwood, took our first trip to the city, and I'll 
 never f orgit it as long as I live. 
 
 We had been s$vin' two years to git money enough 
 to go with, and we had five dollars and twelve cents, 
 all in five and ten cent pieces. 
 
 Mi clothes wassent very good, so I wore Pa's check- 
 ered coat and beaver hat; didn't I feel big though! 
 Sal had on a white muslin dress, and she looked 
 pretty, I tell you. 
 
 It rained when we started, so I took Pals green 
 umbrella. He told me to be awful careful, and not 
 lose it, because 'twas give to him by his grandfather's 
 brother's nephew's wife, and" he thought everything 
 of it. I told him I'd take care of it, and off we went. 
 
 Before we got to the depot it stopped rainin' and 
 I was sorry we took the umbrella, but it was too late 
 to turn back with it. Sal carried a satchel to put 
 away nicknacks that she might buy. 
 
 How Sal did laff when when she got in the cars! 
 It made me so dizzy lookin' at the telegraph poles fly 
 by that I had to turn my head inside the cars. 
 
 When we got to the city I didn't know whare to 
 go, but we walked along one uv the big streets lookin' 
 till we saw a sign, " Ice cream for sale here." I sez, 
 "Sal," sez I, "What's ice cream?" She sez, "I 
 dunno, Eube, but I guess it's something good to eat." 
 So we went into the store. Just as we was goin' into 
 the store <a boy who was sellin' papers sez to me. 
 " Say, mister, is yer goin in ter that store? " 
 
 "Yes," sez I. 
 
 "Well," sez he, "they won't let yer carry umbrel- 
 lars in the store ; yer will have to leave it outside, and 
 if yer want me to, I will mind it fer ye till yer come 
 out." 
 
 "All right," sez I, "when I come out I'll pay ye fer 
 yer trouble." So I give him my umbrella, and we 
 went into the store, 
 
 \ 
 
 V 
 
REUBEN'S FIRST TRIP TO THE CITY. 91 
 
 We sot down to a table and pretty soon a man cum 
 in and I sez, " How do yer sell your ice cream? " He 
 said, " One dollar and a half a gallon/' I said, u Bring 
 us in a gallon." I thought we could take what we 
 didn't eat t;o the old folks. He brought us in the 
 cream and jiminy, my! want it cold! It almost friz 
 the roof of my mouth. Well, we eat about half of it 
 and I told Sal to put the rest in her satchel, and we 
 would take it home to pa and ma. Then we went 
 outside and looked fur the boy with my umbrella, and 
 Ave couldn't find hide nor Jiair of him. We hung 
 around thare fur two hours, but he didn't cum back, 
 and I sez to Sal, " By gum! I bet he has stole it." 
 
 We walked along the street fur some time and my 
 feet got tired w^alkin' on the hard sidewalk and I took 
 my shoes off and carried them in my hand, and most 
 everybody I met laffed. Pretty soon a little boy cum 
 runnin' up to me and sez, ' ' Say, mister, the milk is 
 all runnin' out of that satchel yer mothers caryin'." 
 And I looked at Sal's satchel and found that pesky 
 ice cream had all turned to milk, and was runnin' out 
 on to the ground. 
 
 When Sal heard that boy call her my mother she 
 drew off and threw the satchel and struck the boy in 
 the head. The boy grabbed the satchel and ran down 
 the street, and Sal ran after him. The boy dropped 
 to the ground, and Sal fell head foremost over him 
 into a big mud puddle. Sal had on a white dress and 
 she want dressed fur fallin' inter mud puddles, and 
 when she riz up she was a sight, now you better 
 believe. But the boy had gone and so had the satchel. 
 Well, I let Sal ware my coat the rest of the day so as 
 to hide the mud on the dress, and I went in my shirt 
 sleeves. 
 
 As we was goin' along I saw a dentist's sign which 
 read, " Teeth extracted without pain." 
 
 "Thare," sez I to Sal. "By gum, I've got throe 
 teeth that want pullin' and here is a good chance to 
 git um pulled fur nothin. That sign sez, teeth ex- 
 tracted without p-a pa — i-n in — pay in. So we went in 
 and I sot down in a chair and told the man which 
 teeth I wanted pulled. He give me some laffin' gas 
 and I dreamed that I was to a circus and a man told 
 me I could have all the peanuts and pop corn that I 
 

 92 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 wanted for nothin', and I was eatin' away when all 
 of a sudden I thought I bit onto a paper of pins and 
 I come to. Goll, how it did hurt ! But my teeth was 
 out anyway. 
 
 I looked around and saw the man over in the cor- 
 ner of the room kissin Sal. I was mad enough to eat 
 him. I jumped out of the chair and was goin' to whip 
 him when he said, " Don't get excited, young man, 
 you are dreamin'." But -I'll always believe to my 
 dyin' day that he kissed her. 
 
 I told him that I was much obliged to him fur 
 pullin' my teeth, and I started to go out when he 
 called me back and said, " One dollar and a quarter, 
 please." 
 
 I sez, " What fur? " and he said, " Fur pullin' your 
 teeth, twenty-five cents a piece fur teeth, and fifty 
 fur the gas. " 
 
 " Well I'll be darned," sez I. I thought you could 
 git them pulled without payin' fur em; the sign 
 sez so. 
 
 "Oh," no it don't" sez he, "it sez teeth extracted 
 without pain. 
 
 " Oh," sez I, " that's it, hey; I thought it sez without 
 payin'. 
 
 Then Sal and I went along up the street lookin'. in 
 the windows, when my eyes spied a new fashion 
 churn fur sale and into the store I went and bought it 
 fur father. "By guni! " sez I, " Sal, won't Pa be sur- 
 prised when he sees this churn?" The man I bought 
 it of told me he would send it to my house, but Lwas 
 afraid he would steal it like the boy did the umbrella, 
 and so I took it with me and Sal and I carried that 
 pesky churn around all day. By gum ! I was never 
 so tired in my life. 
 
 Well, the next place we stopped at was a picture 
 gallery, and we had a great time in thare. I asked 
 the man how much he charged fur takin' pictures and 
 he said, " One dollar a dozen." 
 
 "All right," sez I, "I'll take half a dozen." So we 
 sot down. 
 
 First I stood and Sal sot down. Then Sal stood and 
 I sot down. Then we both stood together. Then I 
 sot down and Sal sot beside me and the man fixed 
 
REUBEN'S FIRST TRIP TO THE CITY. 93 
 
 and fussed around and put my head in a thing that 
 looked like a pitchfork and he sez, " Don't move. 
 
 I couldn't move if you would hev given me half a 
 dollar. 
 
 " Hold on," sez I. 
 
 "Mister Man, will Sal's hair take the natural color 
 in the picture?" 
 
 The man sez, ' l No, why ? " 
 
 "Well, sez I," "Sal is a little sensitive about her 
 hair, and I thought that if it would take the natural 
 color she had better keep her hat on so her hair 
 wouldn't show." Sal's hair was a sort of a brindle. 
 
 Well, the man sez " all ready," and he turned his 
 back. Just as he turned his back I reached over 
 and kissed Sal right smack in the mouth, and I'll 
 be chewed up fur a woodchuck if it didn't take in 
 the picture. Sal was sorter shamed on it when she 
 saw it, but I wouldn't take forty cents fur that 
 picture. 
 
 When I got ready to go I offered the man a half 
 dollar. He looked at it and said, " What's that fur? " 
 
 I sez, " Fur the half-dozen pictures." 
 
 "Oh," sez he, " its fifty cents a sitting; you sat six 
 times, and that will be three dollars. " 
 
 Well, I paid it, but it made me all fired mad, fur 
 a bargain is a bargain, and he said they were fifty 
 cents a half-dozen. 
 
 When we got on the street agin we was purty 
 hungry, so we went into a place whare they sold 
 things to eat. And I sez, " Give us some oysters." 
 
 The waiter sez, "Eaw, stewed, fried, or on the half 
 shell? 
 
 I told him I didn't want um half shells, but I 
 wanted um cooked like a sort of a pot-pie, like my ma 
 cooked um. 
 
 I asked him if he knew my mother and he sez, "Oh, 
 yes, I am well acquainted with her ; she used to wash 
 fur me." I told him he was mistaken in the person. 
 
 Well, we got the oysters ate and they were fine. I 
 give the man a dollar bill, and waited around about 
 ten minutes fur my change. 
 
 Finally he sez, " What you waitin' fur? " 
 I sez, " Fur my change." 
 
 He sez, "Didn't you give me a dollar? " 
 
94 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 Isez, "Yes." 
 
 " Well," sez he, "that is just right." 
 
 Tfeat almost took my breath. One 'dollar fur a few 
 oysters ! Sez I, ' ' Sal, "that's the last meal we'll eat in 
 the city." 
 
 We went out and the next place we stopped at 
 was a roller skatin' rink. I sez, ' ' Let's go in, Sal, 
 and see urn ska.te; I wonder how they do it? " 
 
 My money was all gone, but I had two dollars that 
 ma had give me to buy her a new dress with, and I 
 took that and we went in. 
 
 Oh, it was awfull nice in thare. The band was 
 playin' and the fellers and gals were skatin' around 
 and round and I got excited and sez, ' ' Let's try it, 
 Sal." J 
 
 I coaxed her a few minutes and then she said, ' ' All 
 right, go it." So we told the man we wanted to 
 skate. 
 
 Well, do yer believe it, them skates had little 
 wheels on urn. Sal's got a awfull big foot, and the 
 man didn't have any skates big enough fur her and 
 he had to put two skates on each foot. Her foot 
 looked like a train of cars when she got urn on. 
 
 Well, now, I aint got no fairy's foot, and the skates 
 was all too short fur me, so I took my shoes off and 
 skated in my stockin' feet. When I got urn on I 
 struck out. 
 
 I only struck once, when up cum my knees and hit 
 me in the chin and over I went on my back. I sez, 
 1 ' Hey, mister, you hev got these skates on me wrong 
 side afore." 
 
 He looked at urn and sez, ' ' They are all right, you 
 want to lean forward." 
 
 So I started off agin leanin' forward. I took four 
 strokes when the leanin' forward business got me into 
 trouble fur I^olled over on my face. Just as I struck 
 the floor a man cum flyin' along with a young lady, 
 and the man stubbed his toe agin the calf of my leg 
 and they both flopped down on me and then the folks 
 began to pile on till they made a heap nine foot high. 
 I finally crawled out from among um and I crawled 
 on my hands and knees to wmare Sal set. I asked 
 Sal if she had tried um and she sez, " No, and I ain't 
 goin to either." 
 
REUBEN'S FIRST TRIP TO THE CITY. 95 
 
 Well, I got rested and kinder forgot about my fall, 
 and I sez, "Come, Sal, let's try it together once." 
 She finally sed she would, so we took hold of hands 
 and started. 
 
 We went along kinder slowly at first, till we got 
 used to it. Then we began to go faster, and we got to 
 goin' so fast that I got dizzy, and I tried to stop and I 
 couldn't. I made a grab fur the raillin' and the shock 
 thru me down in a sitting position, and I slid along 
 the floor at a two-forty rate. I went as if I was shot 
 out of a gun. When I reached the end of the rink my 
 feet struck the side with such force that I thought my 
 legs were drove clear up to my neck, and I felt awful 
 short waist ed. 
 
 One of the instructors had picked Sal up, and he 
 was just coniin' fur me when a big man that would 
 weigh two hundred pounds cum skatin' along and his 
 skate caught me by my suspender ; he never stopped 
 but kept right along skatin' and he hauled me round 
 that rink nine times before he noticed me. It wore 
 the hair all off the back of my head and spilt my 
 new trousers and cum near knockin' my brains out, 
 fur every time he'd go round a corner my head would 
 go ker slam against a post. Finally his skate cum off 
 and down he went, and he broke a tarnation nice 
 watch he had and I was glad of it. 
 
 Well, thare I was in the middle of the floor and 
 how to git to a seat I didn't know. I finally took out 
 my knife and cut the skate straps and walked to a 
 seat pretty well fagged out. 
 
 I looked round fur Sal, and I saw her skatin' with 
 a slick lookin* chap with a cap with gold braid onto it. 
 X got kinder jilous, and when they was skatin' past„ 
 .me I put out my foot to trip him up; he shied out to 
 one side but my foot struck Sal and down she went. 
 I run over to her and picked her up, and told her 
 that it was the young feller she was skatin* with 
 pushed her over. 
 
 Wan't she mad, though ! I was afraid we would git 
 into trouble if she met him, fur I knew Sal's disposi- 
 tion, so we left the rink. I thought we'd seen about 
 all thare was in the city, so I sez, "Let's go home, 
 Sal." 
 
 She sez, " All right, Rube, I'm tired," 
 
96 ORIGINAL HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 So I asked a man which way it was to the depot, 
 and he sez if you get on one of them cars with horses 
 on um they will take you right to the depot. I saw 
 one comin' so I hollered to it, but it wouldn't stop, so 
 we chased it about half a mile, but we couldn't catch 
 it. We made up our minds that the next one wouldn't 
 git by, so we stood right in the middle of the street 
 and waited fur the next car. Well, the wagons cum 
 driven up from both ways but we wouldn't budge, and 
 they made a blockade two blocks long. When a car 
 cum along we got in and sot down; pretty soon a 
 man cum in and we paid him five cents. When wr 
 got to the end of the street they put the horses on the 
 other end of the car and went up the street agin. 
 Then the man cum round agin and we paid him 
 five cents more. Well, we did that about five times 
 when I sez, "Say, mister, when will we get to the 
 depot?" 
 
 lk Oh," sez he, "you have been down to the depot five 
 times. It is at the end of the street." 
 
 By gum! I was mad. I sez, "Why didn't you tell 
 us before?" 
 
 He sed he thought we was on a bridal tour and 
 wanted to ride. 
 
 The next time the car cum to the depot we riz up 
 in the car just before it stopped ; the pesky car stopped 
 so sudden that we pitched head foremost though one 
 of the car windows. 
 
 The man wanted me to pay fur it but I didn't have 
 no money and I couldn't. We at last got on to the 
 steam cars and off we went. We soon reached home 
 purty well fagged out. I went to the city seven 
 times since I took that trip, but I never enjoyed 'any 
 on um like the fust one. 
 

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