' joe Cullers COMPLETE JEST BOOK: a a; «■ A COLLECTION ias lr MOST EXCELLENT BON MOTS, OBRILLIANT JESTS, and STRIKING ANECDOTES, IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. LONDON : H. G. BOHN, YORK STREET, COVENT GARDEN, MDCCCLIV. rU»T «$f PREFACE. -.^celebrated comedian has lately furnished the 1 «i)Hc with an account of the origin of Joe Miller's e«t Book, which, as it is not generally known, Miy not be unacceptable to the readers of the pre- ent volume. — He states, ' that Joe Miller, who Ms fathered all our jests for the last half cen- -iry, Jiever uttered a jest in his life. Though an ccetfent comic actor, he was the most taciturn nd Saturnine man breathing. He was in the daily habit of spending his afternoons at the Black Jack, a well-kno n public-house in Portugal-street, Clare Market, which was at that time frequented by most » f the respectable tradesmen in the neighbourhood, Uo, from Joe's imperturbable gravity, whenever /ktf risible saying was recounted, derisively ascribed itjio him. After his death,* having left his family unprovided for, advantage was taken of this badinage. H^Mr. Motley, a well-known dramatist of that day, vas employed to collect all the stray jests, then cur- rent on town. Joe Miller's name was prefixed to them, and from that day to this, the man who never uttered a jest has been the reputed author of every jest, past, present, and to come.' The original edition of Joe Miller, is the basis of the present publication : and no pains have been • His remains were interred on the east side of the Burial ground of St. Clements Danes, in Portugal Street, Clare Market ; where a stone stills marks the spot, and commemo. rates his virtues. spared to render the copious additions now made to that celebrated Collection of Jest* equally attractive. The brilliant sayings of the sages of antiquity, and the polished wit and broad humour of modern times, have alike contributed to enliven our pages. — Nume- rous publications have been examined for this pur- pose ; and many flashes of the lightning of speech conducted from the circles which they originally brightened. Upon examining the remarkable anecdotes which are interspersed throughout the volume, it will be found that they owe their admission to the power they possess of conferring amusement as well as information. We are aware that a jest may please one, which displeases another; make one laugh, while another keeps his countenance ; that the wit may in one respect seem fine, in another mean : for a jest has various perfections, which are not always found united ; and different readers may consider the same story from different points of view. — Though* we cannot, in every instance, hope to please all, yet we nave endeavoured to ward off censure, by carefully distinguishing true and genuine wit from that which is false and spurious* But in such a vast variety of subjects, the most fastidious, we are persuaded, will find much to ex- cite his mirth, and to enrich his mind ; while the lover of real humour will discover in every page an ample fund of entertainment JOE MILLER 1. — When William Penn the Quakerwas brought before the Lord Mayor and Recorder for preaching, he insisted upon knowing what law he had broken — to which simple question the Recorder was reduced to answer ■ that he was an impertinent fellow, — and that many had studied 30 or 40 years to understand the law, which he was for having expounded in a moment.' The learned controversialist, however, was not to be silenced so easily ; — he quoted Lord Coke and Magna Charta on his antagonist in a moment, and chastised his insolence by one of the best and most characteristic repartees that we recollect ever to have met with — ' I tell you to be silent,' cried the Recorder in a great passion, ' if we should suffer you to ask questions till to-morrow morning you would be never the wiser.' — ■ That,' replied the Quaker, with immoveable tranquillity, ■ that is according as the ansxcers are.' — ' Take him away, take him away,' ex- claimed the Mayor and Recorder in a breath, ' turn him into the Bail Dock.' 2. — When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great room in York Buildings, which he intended for public orations, he happened at a time to be pretty much behind-hand with his workmen, and coming one day among them, to see how they went forward, ordered one of them to get into the rostrum, and make a speech, that he might observe how it could be heard j the fellow mounting, and scratching his pate, 3 2 JOE MII.I.F.R. told him, he knew not what to say, for in truth he was no orator. * Oh !' said the knight, ' no matter for that speak any thing that comes uppermost.' — 'Why here, Sir Richard,' says the fellow, ' we have been working for you these six weeks, and cannot get one penny of money : Pray, Sir, when do you design to pay us r ' Very well, very well,' said Sir Richard, ' pray come down, 1 have heard enough ; I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I don't admire yout subject.' 3. — My Lord Craven, in King James the First's leign, was very desirous to see Ben Jonson, which being told to Ben, he went to my Lord's house ; but being in a very tattered condition, as poets sometimes are, the porter refused him admittance, with some saucy language, which the other did not fail to return. My Lord, happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the occasion of it ? Ben, who stood in need of nobody to speak for him, said, he under stood his Lordship desired to see him. 'You, friend,' said my Lord, ' who are you V — ' Ben Jonson,' replied the other. ■ No, no,' quoth my Lord, ' you cannot be Ben Jonson, who wrote the Silent Woman ; you look as if you could not say bo to a goose.' — ' Bo,' cried Ben. ' Very well ,' said my Lord , who was better pleased at the joke than offended at the affront, ' I am now convinced, by your wit, you are Ben Jonson.' 4. — Mr. Bethel, 8JJ Irish barrister, when the ques- tion of the Union was in debate, and all the junior barristers published pamphlets upon the subject, thought fit to contribute his mite to the investigation, and take a literary shot at the subject, after abov fifty other pamphlets had already appeared ; which, of course, contained nothing very new upon the topic. Some days after its appearance, Mr. Lysaght met thi pamphleteer in the hall of the Four Courts, and, in friendly way, said, 'Zounds! Bethel, T wonder yon never told me you had published a pamphlet on the JOE MILLER. 3 Union : I never saw it till yesterday, by mere acci- dent.' — ■ Well ! and how did you like it V asked the author, with a smirk of eager curiosity. ' Like it !' said Lysaght ; ' the one I saw contained some of the best things I have yet seen in any pamphlet upon the subject.' — ' I'm very proud you think so,' said the other, rubbing his hands with satisfaction ; ■ and, pray, what are the things that pleased you so rauchV — ' Why,' replied Lysaght, ■ as I passed by a pastry-cook's shop this morning, I saw a girl come out with three hot mince-pies wrapped up in a sheet of your work, and that is more than I can say for any performance of your competitors.' 5. — The late Counsellor Caldbeck, of the Irish bar, who drudged in his profession till he was near 80, being a king's counsel, frequently went circuit as judge of assize when any of the twelve judges was prevent- ed by illness. On one of those occasions, a fellow was convicted before him at Wexford for bigamy ; and when the learned counsel came to pass sentence, after lecturing the fellow pretty roundly upon the nature of his uxorious crime, added, ' The only pun- ishment which the law authorises me to inflict is, that you be transported to parts beyond the seas for the term of seven years ; but if I had my will, you should not escape with so mild a punishment, for I would sentence you for the term of your natural life — to live in the same house with both your wives. 1 6*. — When Garrick was last at Paris, Preville, the celebrated French actor, invited him to his villa. Our Roscius being in a gay humour, proposed to go in one of the hired coaches that regularly ply between Paris and Versailles, on which road Preville's villa was situated. When they got in, Garrick ordered the coachman to drive on ; but the fellow answered that he would do so as soon as he had got his complement of four passengers. A caprice immediately seized Garrick : he determined to give his brother player 4 JOB MILLER. a specimen of his art. While the coachman was attentively looking out for passengers, Ciarrick slipped out at the door, went round the coach, and by his wonderful command of countenance, a power which he so happily displayed in Abel Prugger, palmed himself upon the coachman as a stranger. This he did twice, and was admitted each time into the coach as a fresh passenger, to the astonishment and admiration of Preville. Garrick whipped out a third time, and ad- dressing himself to the coachman, was answered in a furly tone, " that he had already got his complement," and would have driven off without him, had not Preville called out, that as the stranger appeared to be a very little man, they would, to accommodate the gentleman, contrive to make room for him. 7. — Mr. Curran, that celebrated advocate, po? sessed perhaps a greater influence over the feelings of his auditory than any other professor of forensic elo- quence ever did, and has been frequently known, by the pathetic force of his oratory, and the inexhausti- ble fund of his wit and resistless humour, to keep the {"uries whom he addressed alternately in tears and aughter during the course of trial ; and yet, like other great wits, he has been frequently put down by an unexpected repartee from the most simple of those witnesses whom he endeavoured to badger by cross- examination. In an important cause, where a country schoolmaster, named Lilly, was a principal witness, and had given his direct testimony with all due gravity, arrayed in all the graces of syntax and pro- sody, Mr. Curran proceeded to cross-examine the witness, and began, with a familiar nod and an arch look, in the first sentence of Cordery's Collo- quies, * Salve, Claudi.' The schoolmaster imme- diately answered, 'Sis tu quoqve salmis Bernard eS This unexpected answer completely disarmed the barrister, and produced a general laugh at his ex- pense. JOE MILLER. 5 8. — Perhaps in no senate, ancient or modern, did the cacoethes loquendi more inveterately prevail than in the parliament of Ireland. The speaking members •f that parliament were principally gentlemen at the bar, or those who had been educated 'to wage the wordy war* in that profession. Every thing was de- Dated, from a turnpike bill to the most important statute ; and the question rarely went to a division, until every orator, on each side of the house, had a speech at it. A question once came forward, in which it became necessary for the clerk to read a series of Toluminous documents, adequate in quantity to a pon- derous quarto ; and the forces on both sides, in full muster, were eager for action ; but felt that, if these aocuments were read through, there would be no op- portunity for discussion on that night. This difficulty produced a minor debate, which was on the point of splitting into half a dozen others, when Sir Boyle Roache, eminent for his proficiency in a peculiar species of Irish rhetoric, rose in his place, and said, • Mister Spaaker, if the house will only hear me, I think I can put an ind to all the diffiquilty about reading all them rig-me-rowl documents. I don't see the use of reading them at all at all ; for nobody will attind to them, if they be read : but, howsomever , if they must be read, we have only to call in all the committee clerks of the house, and let each of 'em take a document, and they can all read together. " Many hands make light work ;" and they'll get through all of them in a couple of hours.' This ingenious project of the worthy baronet, though it excited immoderate laughter, was not adopted. 9. — A Methodist preacher, who was also a master-builder, felt no inconsiderable share of vanity in his talent for polemical controversy. He one day attacked the late Father O'Leary upon the celibacy of the Catholic priesthood, and asked him how it came that he and his clergy rejected the divine pre- JOE MIM.F.R. ept, 'increase md multiply ;' thus refusing to co- operate by contributing their part to the great struc- ture of society. ' Pray, friend/ answered the sacer- dotal wit, 'are not you a master-builder?' — ' Yes,' answered the Methodist. — ■ I suppose, then,' rejoined the priest, ' you act as your own bricklayer, stone- mason, smith, carpenter, slater, and painter.' — ' Oh ! no,' said the Methodist, ■ 1 never meddle with ham- mer, trowel, or brush -, I set others to work, and only superintend them.' — ■ Tis just so with us,' added the priest, • in the great building of society ; we set blockheads like you to work, never meddling with the tools ourselves, but merely superintend the business.' 10. — A native of one of the Hebrides being joked about the smallness of his island, the most centrical place not being four miles from the sea, an Irishman in company joined in the laugh, exultingly swearing, * that no part of old Ireland was half so near it.' 11. — A right reverend prelate, himself a man of extreme good-nature, was frequently much vexed in the spirit, by the proud, froward, perverse, and un- tractable temper of his next vicar. The latter, after an absence much longer than usual, one day paid a visit to the bishop, who kindly inquired the cause of his absence, and was answered by the vicar, that he had been confined to his house for some time past by an obstinate stiffness in his knee. * I am glad of that,' replied the prelate, ■ 'tis a good symptom that the disorder has changed place, for 1 had a long time thought it immoveable settled in your neck.' 12. — When Lieutenant O'Brien (who was called skyrocket Jack) was blown up at Spithead, in the Edgar, hcwas on the carriage of a gun, and when brought to the admiral, all black and wet, he said with pleasantry, ' I hope, Sir, you will excuse my dirty appearance, for I came out of the ship in so great a hurry, that I had not time to shift myself.' JOE MILLER. 7 13. — Two sailors, the one Irish, the other English, agreed reciprocally to take care of each other, in case of either being wounded in an action then about to commence. It was not long before the English- man's leg was shot off by a cannon-ball ; and on asking Paddy to carry him to the doctor, according to their agreement, the other very readily complied ; but had scarcely got his wounded companion on his back when a second ball struck off the poor fellow's head. Paddy, through the noise and bustle, had not perceived his friend's last misfortune, but continued to make the best of his way to the surgeon. An officer observing him with his headless trunk, asked him where he was going ? ' To the doctor,' says Paddy. — ' The doctor!' says the officer, ' why, block- head, the man has lost his head.' On hearing this, he flung the body from his shoulders, and looking at it very attentively, ■ By my own soul,' says he, * he told me it was his leg, but I was a fool to believe him, for he was always a great liar.' 14. — An Irish gentleman being at Epsom races, and observing in the list of horses that started for the plate one called Botheram, took such a fancy to the name, that he betted considerable odds in his favour. Towards the conclusion of the race, his fa vourite was unluckily in the rear, on which he voci- ferated in so loud a key, as to drown every other voice, ' Ah, my lads, there he goes, — Botheram for ever! see how he drives them all bej ore him! Bo- theram for ever !' 15. — Swift had some whimsical contrivances to punish his servants for disobedience of orders. The hiring of his maid-servants he left to his house- keeper, and that ceremony over, acquainted them that he had but two commands to give them, — one was to shut the door, whenever they came into a room ; the other, to shut the door after them when- ever they went out of a room. One of these maid- a jor muier. servants came to him one day, and requested per- mission to go to her sister's wedding, which was to be on that day, at a place distant about ten miles from Dublin. Swift not only consented, but said he would lend her one of his own horses with a servant to ride before her, and gave her directions accord- ingly. The maid, in her joy for this favour, forgot to shut the door when she left the room. In about a quarter of an hour after she was gone, the dean ordered a servant to saddle another horse, and make all the speed he could to overtake them, and oblige them to return back immediately. They had not got more than half way, when he came up with them, and told them the dean's positive commands ; with which, however reluctantly, the poor girl was obliged to comply. She came into his presence with the most mortified countenance, and begged to know his honour's commands. * Only to shut the door after you,' was the reply ; but not to carry the punish- ment too far, he then permitted her to resume her journey. 16. — There was nothing Swift more disliked than being troubled with applications from authors to correct their works, and he generally had some whim- sical contrivance to make them repent of this, which being told, might deter others from the like. A poor poet having written a very indifferent tragedy, got himself introduced to the dean in order to have his opinion of it ; and in about a fortnight after, called at the deanery. Swift returned the play, carefully folded up, telling him he had read it, and taken some pains with it, and he believed the author would not find above half the number of faults that it had when it came to his hand. The poor author, after a thou- sand acknowledgments, retired in company with the gentleman who had introduced him, and was so im- patient to see the corrections, that he stopped under the hist gateway they came to, and to his utter asto- JOE MILLER. 5 nisbment and confusion, saw that the dean nad taken the pains to blot out every second line throughout the whole play, so carefully as to render them quite illegible. 17. — Two Irishmen, who had left the banks of the Shannon at the same time, once meeting in the streets of London, after the usual congratulations, inquired into each other's situation, and one of them said, ■ He had been so lucky as to be appointed master of the horse ; and pray, Patrick, what are you?' — ' Why, I have been still more fortunate, for I am under secretary of state.' — ' The devil you are ! but how so, Pat, when you can neither read nor write V — ' O faith, let me alone for that ; my master is a coal -merchant, and I keep the tally, and chalk up the numbers of the sacks as they pass under the gateway. Pray, Terence, how are you master of the horse V — ■ Why, I am assistant to the assistant of the hostler at the Golden-Cross, Charing -Cross, my dear.' 18. — The servant of a naval commander, an Irish- man, one day let a tea-kettle fall into the sea, upon which he ran to his master, ' Arrah, an plase your honour, can any thing be said to be lost, when you know where it is V — ' Certainly not,' replied the officer. — ' Why then, by my soul, and St. Patrick, the tea-kettle is at the bottom of the sea. 19. — An Irishman who was sent on board of ship, and who believed in ghosts, inquired of his mess- mates if the ship was haunted. ' As full of ghosts as a church-yard,' replied they, * they are ten thou- sand strong every night.' This so terrified Pat, that whenever he turned into his hammock, he pulled his blanket over his head and face, so that from his knees downwards he was always naked and cold. — 1 That there purser's a terrible rogue ! He serves out blankets that don't fit a man ; they are too long at top, and too short at bottom, for they cover my B2 10 JOB MILLBR. head and cars, and my feet are always perished with cold. 1 have cut several slices off the top, and sewed on the bottom, and the devil a bit longer is it.' 20. — A clergyman was reading the burial service over an Irish corpse, and having forgot which sex it was, on coming to that part of the ceremony which reads thus, ' our dear brother or sister,' the reverend gentleman stopped, and seeing Pat stand by, stepped back, and whispering to him, said, ' Is it a brother or a sister?' Pat says, ' Friend, 'tis neither, 'tis only a relation.' 21. — An Irish patient of some distinction, that was teazing Peter Pindar with his symptoms, and who had nothing scarcely to complain of, told him, he had frequently an itching, and begged to know what he should do. ' Scratch yourself, Sir,' replied Peter ; which laconic advice lost him his patient. 2'2. — Two Irish labouring bricklayers were work- ing at some houses near Russell-square, and one of them was boasting of the steadiness with which he could carry a load to any height that might be re- quired The other contested the point, and the con- versation ended in a bet that he could not carry him in his hod up a ladder to the top of the building. The experiment was made : Pat placed himself in the hod, and his comrade, after a great deal of care and exertion, succeeded in taking him up and bring- ing him down safely. Without any reflection on the danger he had escaped, observing to the winner, * To be sure, 1 have lost ; but don't you remember, about the third story you made a slip— J wus then in hopes.' 23. — A gentleman once appeared in the Court of King's Bench, %s surety for a friend in the sum of three thousand pounds ; Serjeant Uavy, though he well knew the responsibility of the gentleman, could not help his customary impertinence. ' Well, Sir, how do you make yourself to be worth three thousand JOE MILLER. 11 pounds V The gentleman very deliberately specified the particulars up to two thousand nine hundred and forty pounds. ■ Aye,' says Davy, ' that is not enough by sixty.' — ■ For that sum,' replied the other, ■ I have a note of hand of one Serjeant Davy, and 1 hope he will have the honesty soon to discharge it/ This set the court in a roar ; the serjeant was for once abashed, and Lord Mansfield said, ' Well, brother, I think we may accept the bail.' 24. — An Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded his affidavit : " And this deponent further saith, that the only one oi his children who showed him any real filial affection was his youngest son Larry, for he never struck him when he was down !" 25. — A farm was lately advertised in a news- paper, in which all the beauty of the situation, ferti- lity of the soil, and salubrity of the air, were detailed in the richest glow of rural description, which was farther enhanced with this — N. H. There is not an Attorney within fifteen miles of the neighbourhood. 26. — When Lord Chief Justice Holt was once on the Western circuit, a man was brought before him, and tried, cast, and condemned for a highway rob- bery. Being after this remanded to the town goal, he most earnestly requested to have a private in- terview with the judge. Holt, thinking he might have something of importance to communicate re- specting his accomplices, went to him in the prison, when the man, prefacing his speech, with saying, he felt some embarrassment at claiming acquaintance with him in such a situation, said, ' Sir, my real name is Smith, and I had the honour of being at college the same time that you were. Such a cir- cumstance I think you must remember.' — ' Indeed 1 do,' said the Lord Chief Justice, * and I now see some remains of your face. — Pray what is become of our old companions, Tom, Dick, and Harry ?' — 12 JOF. MILLl'.R. 1 They are all hanged except you and V said tl>e poor man with a deep sigh. — 4 Oh, are they V said the judge, ' Why then I must try to get you a reprieve, that's all ; it may else be said, all our col- lege, except myself, were exalted from the bar to the gallows.' '27. — An officer had the misfortune to be severely wounded, in an engagement in the American war. As he lay on the field, an unfortunate near him, who was also badly wounded, gave vent to his agony in dreadful howls, which so irritated the officer, who bore his own in silence, that he exclaimed, ' D— n your eyes, what do you make such a noise for ? Do you think nobody is killed but yourself?' 28. — A gentleman who had an Irish servant, hav- ing stopped at an inn for several days, desired, pre- vious to his departure, to have a bill ; which being brought, he found a large quantity of port placed to his servant's account, and questioned him about hav- ing had so many bottles of wine. ' Please your ho- nour,' cried Pat, ' to read how many they charge me.' The gentleman began, ' One bottle fort, one ditto, one ditto, one ditto.' — ' Stop, stop, stop, master,' ex- claimed Paddy, ' they are cheating you. I know I had some bottles of their port, but, by Jasus, I did not taste a drop of their ditto.' ' c 29. — A Mr. Johnstone having been lost in the dreadful conflagration of the theatre-royal, Covent* Garden, Mr. John Johnstone, of Drury-Lane, re- ceived a letter from an Irish friend, requesting to know by the return of post, if it was he that was really burned or not. 30. — An Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which had been tried before three judges, one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the other two but indifferent, some of the other barristers were very mer ry on the occasion. * Well, now,' says he, ' at any late it was a bad cause, and 1 have lost no great JOE MILLER. 13 things by it. — But who the devil could help it, when there were an hundred judges on the bench V — ■ An mindred?' said a stander-by, ■ there were but three.' — ' By Jove/ replied he, ' there were one and two cyphers.' 31. — An Irish gentleman called at the General Post- office, and inquired whether there were any letters for oim ; the clerk asked for his address. — ' Oh !' said ne, ■ sure you will find it on the back of the letter!' A circumstance somewhat similar occurred a few years ago, when a gentleman inquired for any letter for him. The clerk asked his name ; he replied, ' What the devil makes you so impertinent as to ask any gentleman's name 1 Give me my letter, that's all you have to do !' 32. — An Irish labourer being told that the price of bread had been lowered, exclaimed, ' This is the first time I ever rejoiced at the fall of my best friend.' S3. — An honest Hibernian tar, a great favourite with the gallant Nelson, used to pray in these words every night when he went to his hammock : — ' God be thanked, I never killed any man, nor no man ever killed me ; God bless the world, and success to the British navy.' 34. — An Irish officer who had returned from the late expedition to Buenos Ayres, was entertaining a large company at dinner with a history of his ex- ploits, and the wonders he had seen j and among other strange sights he mentioned that he had seen five acres of anchovies growing. This no doubt sur- prised the company greatly, one of whom said, he had never in his life heard of anchovies growing before. As this remark insinuated a doubt of the narrator's veracity, he was instantly desired to turn out and explain. The parties accordingly went to the ground, and after exchanging a cool brace, the Hibernian exclaimed : ■ Och, by J s, I beg your pardon, it was five acres of capers I meant.' 14 JOE MI II IK. 35. — During the American w.ir, whilst Colonel Burgoyne commanded in Cork, he saw a corpulent soldier among the spectators on the parade, whom he addressed as follows : — ' Who are you, Sir] you must be drilled twice a day to bring down your corpora- tion. Who are yc \ Sir!' — 'Please you honour,' replied Pat, ' I am, Sir, the skeleton of the 5th regi- ment of foot, who has just marched over from Ame- rica.' The fact was so, for such was the carnage of the disastrous war, that only this fat soldier and Capt. Webb returned to Europe, out of a full regiment that landed in America. 36. — An Irish footman having carried a basket of game from his master to a friend, waited a consider- able time for the customary fee, but not finding it likely to appear, scratched his head, and said, ' Sir, if my master should say, Paddy, what did the gen- tleman give you, what would your honour have me to tell him V 37. — An Irishman, on board a man of war, was desired by his messmates to go down and fetch a can of small-beer ; Teague, knowing that preparations were making to sail, absolutely refused. ' Arrah, my soul,' said he, ' and so when I am gone into the cellar to fetch beer, the ship will sail away and leave me behind.' 38. — An Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish kings in Ilolyrood house, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful ap- pearance, while his son was depicted with a long beard, and wore the traits of extreme old age. • Sancta .Maria,' exclaimed the good Hibernian, 'is it possible that this gentleman was an old man when his father was born ! ! !' 39. — An Irish gentleman, perceiving that one of the great branches of an apple-tree in his garden, had been by some accident entirely blasted, was de- termined to lop it off. To effectuate his puipose, the JOE MILLER. 15 shrewd son of St Patrick mounted the tree, and got across the withered branch, and began very deliber- ately to saw off betwixt himself and the main trunk. The withered branch, being nearly cut through, gave way, and down tumbled the gallant Hibernian, not a little stunned by the fall, and considerably bruised by the weight of the incumbent branches, but still more astonished at the mystery of this inexplicable ac- cident ! 40. — An Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, 'I am eldest/ said he, ' but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall be both of an age/ 41. — A fellow walking through the Old Bailey, at the time of execution, when an Irishman was at the point of being turned off, inhumanly bawled out: 'Are you there, I always said you would come to be hanged !' — ' You are a liar,' replied Pat, 4 if it was the last word I had to say ! I did not come, I was brought.* 42. — A gentleman crossing the water lately below Limehouse, and wanting to learn the price of coals in the pool, hailed one of the labourers at work in a tier of colliers, with ' Well, Paddy, how are coals?' — ' Black as ever, your honour/ replied the Irish- man. 43. — An English labourer in Cheshire attempting to drown himself, an Irish reaper, who saw him go into the water, leaped after him, and brought him safe to shore. The fellow attempting it a second time, the reaper a second time got him out ; but the labourer being determined to destroy himself, watched an opportunity and hanged himself behind the barn door. The Irishman observed him, but never offered to cut him down ; when several hours afterward, the master of the farm-yard, asked him, upon what ground he had suffered the poor fellow to hang there? 1 Faith/ replied Patrick, ' I don't know what you 16 JOE MILLER. mean by ground : I know I was so good to him that I fetched him out of the water two times— ami L know, too, he was wet through every rag, and 1 thought, he hung himself up to dry, and you knuu- t 1 could have no right to prevent him.' 44. — A gentleman describing a person who often visited him for the sole purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the stu^-maker. 45. — Dr. Sheridan, the celebrated friend of Swift, had a custom of ringing his scholars to prayers, in the school- room, at a certain hour every day. The boys were one day very devoutly at prayers, except one, who was stifling a laugh as well as he could ; which arose from seeing a rat descending from the bell-rope in the room. The poor boy could hold out no longer, but burst into an immoderate fit of laugh- ter, which set the others a going, when he pointed to the cause. Sheridan was so provoked that he de- clared he would whip them all if the principal cul- prit was not pointed out to him, which was immedi- ately done. The poor pupil of Momus was immedi- ately hoisted, and his posteriors laid bare to the rod ; when the witty schoolmaster told him, if he said any thing tolerable on the occasion, as he looked on the >oy as the greatest dunce in the school, he would forgive him. The trembling culprit, with very little hesitation, addressed his master with the following beautiful distich : There was a rat, for want of stairs, Came down a rope — to go to prayers. Sheridan instantly dropped the rod, and instead of a whipping gave him half a crown. 46. — A gentleman having engaged to fight a main of cocks, directed his feeder in the country, who was a son of the Sod, to pick out two of the best, and bring tfoim to town. Paddy having made his selection, put the two cocks together into a bag, JOE MILLER. 17 and brought them with him in the mail-coach. When they arrived, it was found upon their journey they had almost torn each other to pieces ; on which Paddy was severely taken to task for his stupidity, in putting both cocks into one bag. ' Indeed/ said the honest Hibernian, ■ I thought there was no risk of their falling out, as they were going to fight on the same side.' 47. — In the late Irish rebellion, J. C. Beresford, Esq. a banker, and member for Dublin, rendered himself so very obnoxious to the rebels, in conse- quence of his vigilance in bringing them to punish- ment, that whenever they found any of his bank-notes in plundering a house, the general cry was : * By Jasus ! we'll ruin the rascal! we'll destroy every note of his we can find :' and they actually destroyed, it is supposed, upwards of 20,000/. of his notes dur- ing the rebellion. 48. — Two Irishmen went a little way into the country, to see some of their friends, and drinking too freely, they were much in liquor. Their friends would fain have persuaded them to stay all night, but they were determined to go home. They set out accordingly ; but, before they had got a mile, one of them took a reel, and fell flounce into a ditch. The other hearing him fall, called out, * Patrick, if you are dead till me!' — ■ No, honey/ says Patrick, 'I am not dead, but I'm quite speechless.' 49. — An Irish Baronet, walking out with a gentle- man, was met by his nurse, who requested charity. The baronet exclaimed vehemently, • I will give you nothing. You played me a scandalous trick in my infancy/ The old woman, in amazement, asked him what injury she had done to him 1 He answered, ■ I was a fine boy and you changed meV 50. — ' I will save you a thousand pounds/ says an Irishman to an old gentleman, ' if you don't stand in your own light/ — ' How V — ' You have a daugh- IH JOE MI LI. 1. 11. ter, and you intend to give her ten thousand as a marriage portion.' — 'I do.' — * Sir, I will take he with nine thousand.' 51. — A gentleman inquiring his way to the cha- pel of a celebrated dissenting minister in the vicinity of the metropolis, received the following direction i ' Go straight forward till you come to the turnpike, then take the left hand road, and you will presently arrive at a large building like a church, and on the top of it you will see a figure exactly resembling the reverend doctor himself.' — On arriving before the building, he found it surmounted with a weathercock. 52. — Whilst living at Newstead, Lord Byron once found a human skull, of large dimensions and parti- cular whiteness. He concluded that it belonged to some ■ jolly old soul' of a friar, who had been do- mesticated at Newstead, in the good lazy days of popery ; and saw no harm inhuming the cranium of this second * Tuck' into a drinking goblet. He ac- cordingly sent it to London, where it was carefully and elegantly mounted. On its return to Newstead, he instituted a new order at the old Abbey, and con- stituted himself Grand Master or Abbot of the Skull. Black gowns were procured for the members (twelve in number), the Grand Master's being somewhat distinguished from the rest, and at certain times a chapter was held. Upon these occasions, the skull, being filled with claret, was handed about amongst the gods of this consistory, in imitation of the Goths of old, whilst many a grim joke was cut at the ex- pense of this inspiring caput mortuum. The goblet is now in the possession of Colonel Wyndham. The following lines were inscribed upon it by Byron : — Start not — nor deem my spirit fled : In me behold the only skull, From which, unlike a living head. Whatever flows is never dull. JOE MILLFIi. 19 I liv'd, I lov'd, 1 quaff 'd like thee ; I died ; let earth my bones resign : Fill up— thou can'st not injure me, The worm hath fouler lips than thine. Better to hold the sparkling grape, Than nurse the earthworm's slimy broody And circle in the goblet's shape, The drink of gods, than reptile's food. Where once my wit perchance hath shone, In aid of others let me shine ; And when, alas ! our brains are gone, What nobler substitute than wine ! Quaff while thou can'st — another race, When thou and thine like me are sped, May rescue thee from earth's embrace, And rhyme and revel with the dead. Why not? since through life's little day Our heads such, sad effects produce, Redeem'd from worms and wasting clay, This chance is theirs — to be of use. 53. — ■ The mortality among Byron's mistresses,' said the late Lady A— 11, ' is really alarming. I think he generally buries a first love every fortnight.' — * Madam,' replied Curran, the Irish barrister, ' mis- tresses are not so mortal, as every one who has to deal with them unhappily knows. The fact is, my Lord weeps for the press, and wipes his eyes with the public.' 54. — On reading some lines in the newspapers, addressed to Lady Holland, by the Earl of Carlisle, persuading her to reject the box bequeathed to her by Napoleon — beginning, ■ Lady, reject the gift/ &c. Lord Byron immediately wrote the following parody : ' Lady, accept the gift a hero wore, In spite of all this elegiac stuff; Let not seven stanzas written by a bore Prevent your ladyship from taking snuff/ 20 JOE MILLER. 55. — The Hon. Mr. Skeffington had written a tra- gedy, called ' The Mysterious Bride,' which was fairly damned on the first night. A masquerade took 5 lace soon after this fatal catastrophe, to which went ohn Cam Hobhouse, as a Spanish nun, who had been ravished by the French army, under the pro- tection of Lord Byron. The Hon. Mr. Skeffington, compassionating the unfortunate young woman, asked, in a very sentimental manner, at Byron, 'Who is she V — ■ The Mysterious Bride.' This was a rap on the teeth to the unfortunate author. 56. — On a traveller lamenting that the rocks of Meillerie, rendered sacred by Rousseau's connecting them with the loves of St. Prieux and Julie, should have been cut away to form a road, Rocca replied, with true nationality, ■ La route vant mieux que les souvenirs,' — ■ a good road is better than any recollec- tions.' 57. — The courier bringing a letter from England, in which the death of his old physician Polidori was stated — Lord Byron remarked : • I was convinced something very unpleasant hung over me last night — I expected to hear that somebody I knew was dead ; so it turns out — who can help being superstitious? — Scott believes in second sight, Rousseau tried whe- ther he would be damned or not by aiming at a tree with a stone, Goethe trusted to the chance of a knife's striking the water whether he was to succeed in some undertaking.' He might also have men- tioned Swift, who placed the success of his life on the drawing a trout he had hooked out of the water. Byron on another occasion observed, ' Several extra- ordinary things have happened on my birth-day ; so they did to Napoleon ; and a more wonderful cir- cumstance still occurred to Marie Antoniette. — At my wedding, something whispered me, that I waa signing my death-warrant. At the last moment I would have retreated if I could have done so. — I am JOB MILLER. 21 & great believer in presentiments. Socrates' demon was no fiction ; Monk Lewis had his monitor, and Bonaparte many warnings.' Byron had also a belief in unlucky days ; he once refused to be introduced to a lady, because it was on a Friday the introduc- tion was to take place, that day having been, for some reason or other, most innocently cursed in the superstitious calendar. On this same ■ ill-starred* day he would never pay visits. 58. — Isaac BickerstafT says, * One might wear any passion out of a family by culture, as skilful gar- deners blot a colour out of a tulip that hurts its beauty.' To his uncle, who was very superstitious, and fed crickets, Lord Byron ascribed his supersti- tion ; to another of his ancestors who died laughing, he ascribed his buoyant spirits. Two of his ances- tors also had such a love for each other, that they both died almost at the same moment. ■ There seems,' he says, ■ to have been some flaw in my es- cutcheon there, or that loving couple have monopo- lized all the connubial bliss of the family.' 59. — Percy S , who made no secret of his in- fidelity, and whose spirits it was thought no danger could ever appal, was once in a dreadful storm off St. Fiorenzo, — there appeared no chance of escape, and the horrors of approaching death made him weep like a child. Those names which he never before pronounced but in ridicule, he now called upon in moving accents of serious prayer, and implored the protection of that Being, whose existence he affected to disbelieve. The vessel, however, was miracu- lously preserved from impending destruction, and when the danger was over, Percy S came from his cabin like a spectre from the tomb. — ■ Ah !' he exclaimed to a friend, ' I have tasted so much of the bitterness of death, that I shall in future en- tertain doubts of my own creed.' A glass of rum and water, warm, raised his drooping spirits, and 22 JOE MILLF.R. in twenty-four hours he was the same free-think- i n lt . thankless dog as ever ; thus verifying the old distich : — • The devil was sick — the devil a monX would be, — The devil got well — the devil a monk was he/ 60. — Lord Byron's valet (Mr. Fletcher), whose taste, a little superior to that of most modern Greeks, looked to ' elegant comforts,' grievously excited his master's ire, by observing, while Byron was examin- ing the remains of Athens : — * La me, my Lord, what capital mantle-pieces that there marble would make in England.' 61. — Rogers, when a certain M. P. wrote a review of his poems, and said he wrote very well for a banker, wrote, in return, the following : * They say he has no heart, and I deny it : He has a heart, and — gets his speeches by it.' 62. — Several young gentlemen, who were very fond of private theatres, once got up a play at Cambridge. On the day of representation one of the performers took it into his head to make an excuse, and his part was obliged to be read. Hob- house came forward to apologize to the audience, and told them that a Mr. had declined to perform his part, &c. The gentleman was highly indignant at the 'a,' and had a great inclination to pick a quarrel with Scrope Davies, who replied, that he supposed Mr. wanted to be called the Mr. so and so. He ever after went by the name of the ' Definite Article.' 63. — The present Lord Chancellor remarked of a young barrister who had just made a speech of more poetry than law, ■ Poor young man, he has studied the wrong Phillips.' 64. — A Frenchman, having a violent pain in his breast and stomach, went to a physician for relief. The doctor, .inquiring where his trouble lay, the JOE MILLER. 23 Frenchman with a dolorous accent; laying his hand on his breast, said, ' Vy, sare, I have one very bad pain in my portmanteau* (meaning bis chest). 63. — Several boys who had been admiring (in a print-shop window) the portrait of Paganini, on turn- ing from the object of their attraction, beheld, as they imagined, the original himself. — They immedi- ately exclaimed, ■ Here's Paganini ! Here's Paganini !' — a crowd instantly collected — the figure, which bore a striking resemblance to the celebrated violinist, particularly in the exuberance of his hair, commenced a retreat, and finally escaped in a hackney-coach ; but not until he had been recognised as a well- known pulpit orator. The effect of this incident was evident on the following Sunday, when the reve- rend gentleman appeared like Samson shorn of his 1 boist'rous locks.' 66. — According to a tradition in the Greek church, it appears that the devil paid repeated visits to Noah, when he set about building the ark, for the purpose of ascertaining by what means and of what materials he constructed it. But, the patriarch keeping his own counsel, as enjoined from on high, Satan called in tobacco to his aid, made poor Noah drunk with it, and in this way wormed his secret from him. Thus armed, the devil availed himself of the shade of night, to undo what Noah had done by the light of day ; and hence it arose that the building of the ark extended over so long a period. Ever since that time, saith the tradition, God has laid a heavy curse on tobacco. 67. — While reviewing his troops, Bonaparte was one day suddenly accosted by an officer, who, stepping from the ranks, complained that he had been five years a lieutenant, without having received any pro- motion. — The emperor coolly replied, ' I was a lieu- tenant myself foi seven years, yet you see to what a man may rise by perseverance !' t\ JOB MILLER. <>R. — ■ What's the matter?' inquired a passer by observing a crowd collected around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put on board an outward bound whale ship, from which he had deserted, * Matter ! matter enough,' exclaimed the delinquent, ■ pressing a poor negro to get oil. 1 69. — The captain of a vessel just arrived in the harbour of New York, directed one of the crew, an Irishman, to throw the buoy overboard. He was then stepping into his cabin. On his return, the captain inquired if his order had been obeyed. The Irishman, with great simplicity replied, ' I could not catch the boy, but I threw overboard the old cook.' 70. — A young Scotchman thus describes his in- terview with a celebrated orator, to whom he carried a letter of introduction. — " I found him in his study, sitting on a sofa, apparently absorbed in meditation, his right leg thrown over his left knee, with his right arm rigidly extended. To this arm I advanced, making my best bow ; but I was favoured with no sign of recognition ; no muscle moved, no fibre re- laxed. A fear of giving offence prevented me from speaking, and, gently insinuating my letter between his fingers, I retired to the door, which I held ready for my retreat. After waiting about a quarter of an hour, in silent wonderment, he suddenly started into life and activity — with a violent jerk threw my letter unopened into a corner of the room — stalked to the window — seized upon an unfortunate wasp, (pro- bably its first visit also) — and crushed it to death. This second Polyphemus now advanced to me with the mangled remains of his victim between his finger and thumb, exclaiming in a voice of thunder, ' Do you know, Sir, why 1 have done that?' — ' No, Sir,* I replied. — ■ To get rid of it — as I wish to get rid of you,' was the response. — It need scarcely be added, that I threw the door wide open, and ran down stairs, to avoid impending fate." JOE MILLER. 25 71. — While at the court of Bornou, in the interior of Africa, nothing appears to have annoyed Major Denham so much as to be told he was of the same faith as the Kerdies or savages, little distinction being made between any who denied the Koran. After a long discussion of this question, he thought the validity of his reasoning would be admitted, when he could point to a party of those wretches devouring a dead horse, and appealed to Boo Khal- loom, if he had ever seen the English do the same : but to this, which was not after all a veiy deep theo- logical argument, the Arab replied, ■ I know they eat the flesh of swine, and God knows, that is worse.' — ■ Grant me patience !' exclaimed I to myself, ' this is too much to bear and to remain silent/ 72. — The late king George III., in his walks about his farms, was often alone, and many pleasant little incidents occurred on meeting with rustics, to whom he was sometimes unknown. One day he had to pass through a narrow hedge-gate, on which sat a young clown, who showed no readiness in moving. "Who are you, boy V said the king. " I be a pig boy," answered he. " Where do you come from ? Who do you work for here f — " I be from the low country ; out of work at present." — " Don't they want lads here V' said the king. " I doan't know," rejoined the boy, " all belongs here- abouts to Georgy." — " Pray," said his Majesty, " who is Georgy ?"— " He be the king, and lives at the Castle, but he does no good to me." His Majesty immediately gave orders at his farm hard by, to have the boy em- ployed ; and when he saw him, told him to be a steady lad, and " Georgy" might do some good for him. 73. — The alleged origin of the invention of cards, produced one of the shrewdest replies ever given in evidence. It was made by the late Dr. Gregory of Edinburgh, to a counsel of great eminence at the Scottish bar. The doctor's evidence went to prove the insanity of the paity whose mental capacity was interrogation he ad- ii io question played admirably at \s ■• riously say, doctor,' said nsel, ' that a person having a supe- 10 difficult, and which re- M-nt degree, memory, judgment, and combination, can be at the same time deranged in In V — ' I am no card-player,' said it address, 4 but I have read in ils were invented for the amusement ine ting.' The consequences of the reply were 74. — I iik following bill was actually furnished to a citizen of Dublin, a few years ago : Mr. Fullam, E Dr. to James Rickard, Shoemaker. licking an«! .I.iry - £0 g 2 trapping and welting Misa Sully - 14 iinding and lien - 8 _ a few stitches in .Miss Charlotte 2 75.— in being lately held to bail for i mutatory language respecting the Reform lobably in the line of -to promote business, he wished to b in Hertfordshire, a short time appeared, upon nts : One of the overseers lixty -three the year ; an item in account was for a sum of money unt y rati. This caused a good in which no one joined more <• who immediately after- lunt, in which there was a a man 'minded, career, was a favourite at \ and having applied to the >MLLF.R. 27 manager for a remuneration equal to the increased value of his services, he refused the request, adding, 4 li you are dissatisfied you are welcome to leave me ; such actors as you, Sir, are to be found in every bush.' On the evening of the day when this collo- quy occurred, the manager was driving to another town, where he intended ■ to carry on the \ when he perceived Liston standing in the middle of a hedge by the road-side. ■ Good heavens, Liston,' cried the manager, ' what are you doing there !' — ' Only looking for some of the actors you toid me of this morning,' was the reply. 78. — A happy pair, in smart array, holy church united, From London town, in open shau, Set off, by love incited. The day was dull as dull could be, So (dreaming of no pun) Quoth John, 4 I hope, my dear, that we May have a little sun.* To which his bride, with simple heart, Replied ('twas nature taught hi ■ Well ! — I confess— for my own r>art, I'd rather have a daughter V 79. — Joe Milter, sitting in the window at the Sun Tavern, in Clare-street, while a fish woman was passing by, crying, ' Buy my soals, buy my maids !' ' Ah ! you wicked old creature !' said Joe, * are you not content to sell your own soul, but you must sell your maid's too?' 80. — Although the infirmities of nature are not proper subjects to be made a jest of, yet when people take a great deal of pains to conceal what every body sees, there is nothing more ridiculous : of this sort was old Cross the player, who being very deaf, did not care any body should know it. Honest Joe MILLER. th a friend one day along Fleet-street, and seeing old Cross on the other side of the way, told his acquaintance he should see some sport ; so ross with his finger, and stretching open his mouth as wide as he could, as if he hallooed to him, though he said nothing, the old fellow came puffing from the other side of the way ; ' What the deuce,' said he, ■ do you make such a noise for ? do you think one can't hear V 81. — \ man was saying one day at the Tilt-yard Coffee-house, when it rained exceedingly hard, that it put him in mind of the general deluge. ons, Sir,' said an old campaigner, who stood by, 1 who's that ? I have heard of all the generals in Europe but him.' 8'2. — Villiers, the witty and extravagant Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John Culler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what he should do to prevent the ruin of his estate ? * Live as I do, my lord,' said Sir John. — ' That I can do,' answered the Duke, ' when I am ruined.' 83. — The great Algernon Sidney seemed to shew very little concern at his death ; he had, indeed, got <• friends to intercede with the king for a pardon ; but when it was told him, that his majesty could not prevailed upon to give him his life ; but that, in urd to his ancient and noble family, he would ,t part of his sentence, and only have his head cut off; ' . be, ' if his majesty is resolved id, he may make a whistle of my tail, if he 8*.— I v clergyman, meeting a neighbour v^ho never came to church, although an old fellow of at urn some reproof on that account, and asked, if he never read at home 1 ■ No,' replied the clown, * I can't read.' — ' I dare say,' said the parson, ' you don't know who made you V — JOE W/LLER 29 Not I, in troth/ cried the countryman. A little boy coming by at the same time, ' Who made yon, child V said the parson. ■ God, Sir,' answered the boy. ' Why, look you there,' quoth the honest clergyman, ' are you not ashamed to hear a child of five or six years old tell me who made him, when you, that are so old a man, cannot?' — ■ Ah !' said the countryman, ' it is no wonder that he should remember ; he was made but t'other day, it is a great while, measter, since I war made.' 85. — Henry IV. of France, reading an ostentatious inscription on the monument of a Spanish officer, * Here lies the body of Don, &c. &c. &c. who nevef knew what fear was.' — ' Then,' said the king, ' he never snuffed a candle with his Angers.' 86. — A French marquis, being one day at dinner at the late Sir Roger Williams's, the famous punster and publican, was boasting of the happy genius of his nation, in projecting all the fine modes and fashions, particularly the ruffle, which he said, was de fine ornament to de hand, and had been followed by all de other nations. Roger allowed what he said, but at the same time, that l\>e English, accord- ing to custom, ' had made a great improvement upon their invention, by adding the shirt tj it.' 87. — A certain nobleman, a courier, in the be- ginning of a late reign, coming out of the House of Lords, accosted the Duke of BucVingham with, * How does your pot boil, my lord, these troublesome times V To which his grace replied, ' I never go into my kitchen ; but I dare say the scum is uppermost.' 88. — My Lord Strangford, who stammered very much, was telling a certain bishop that sat at his table, ■ that Balaam's ass spoke because he was pri — est — ' ■ Priest-rid, Sir,' saidavalet-de chambre, who stood behind the chair, ■ my lord would say — ' * No, friend,' replied the bishop, ' Balaam could not speak himself, and so his ass spoke for him.' 30 »B MM. 11 H v*a' saying, not at all to the pur- that BoiBSOO wa very strong man. ' Ay/ >ut you AiO much stronger, for you him in by the head and should boasting in company that Ik- bid ov< l perfection. 'There is one ire quite without, 1 said one who was by, 'and man wntef PI. — Muii km \ \<-i LO| in his picture of the Last Judgment, in the Pope's chapel, painted among the hell that of a certain cardinal, who was his like, that every body knew it at first sight : i the cardinal complaining to Pope Clement VII. ot the alFront, and desiring it might be defaced ; a know very well,' said the Pope, ' 1 have power liver a soul out of purgatory, but not out of hell.* Henry VI 11. designing to send a No- bleman on an embassy to Francis 1. at a very dan- gerous juncture, he begged to be excused, saying, such a threatening message to so hot a prince as >t go near to cost him his life. ' Fear not,' said (dd Harry, ' if the French king should offer ike away your life, I would revenge you by tak- ing off the heads of many Frenchmen now in my power.' — ' But of all these heads,' replied the noble- man, * there may not be one to fit my shoulders.' sermon being preached in acoun- imrch, all tell a weeping but one man; who ■ d why he did not weep with the rest ? 'Oh !' said Km mother parish.' Iiman and a Welshman disputing in whose country was the best living; said the h noble housekeeping in i above a dozen cooks em- Bg dinner.'- ' Ay,' answered the because every man toasted JOE MILI 31 95. — A rou ntr y fellow, who was just come to Lon- don, gaping about in every shop he came to, at last looked into a scrivener's, where seeing only one man sitting at a desk, he could not imagine what commo- dity was sold there ; but calling to the clerk, ' Pray, Sir, 'said he, 'what do you sell hereV — ' Loggerheads,' cried the other. * Do you V answered the country- man ; ' egad, then vou've a special trade ; for 1 see you have but one left.' 96. — A witty knave coming into a lace shop upon Ludgate-hill, said, he had occasion tor a small quan- tity of very fine lace, and having pitched upon that he liked, asked the woman of the shop how much she would have for as much as could reach from ot.e of his ears to the other, and measure which way she pleased, either over his head or under his chin. After some words, they agreed, and he paid the money down, and began to measure, saying, ' One of my ears is here, and the other is nailed to the pil- lory in Bristol, therefore 1 fear you have not enough to make good your bargain ; however, 1 will take this piece in part, and desire you will provide the rest with all expedition.' 97. — 1 he emperor Augustus being shewn a young Grecian who very much resembled him, asked the young man. if his mother had not been at Rome, 1 No, Sir,' answered the Grecian, ' but my father has.' 98. — The late Sir Godfrey Kneller had always a great contempt, I will not pretend to say how justly, for Jervais the painter ; and being one day about twenty miles from London, one of his servants told him at dinner, ' that there was Mr. Jervais come that day into the same town with a coach and four.' — ' Ay,' said Sir Godfrey, 'if his horses draw no bettei than himself, they'll never carry him to town again.' 99. — Diogbni .as was the custom among many philosophers, asked a prodigal man for more than any one else ; whereupon one said to him, ' I 32 JOL Ml rER. •ee your business, that when you find a liberal mind, you will make the most of him.' — • No,' said Dio- genes, ' but I mean lo beg of the rest again.* 100. — A Scotchman was very angry with an Eng- lish gentleman, who he saul had abused him, and called him false Scot, ' Indeed,' said the Englishman, ■ I said no such thing, but that you were a true Scot.' 101. — A gentleman* coming to an inn in Smith- field, and seeing the ostler expert and tractable about the horses, asked how long he had lived there, and what countryman he was. ' l's Yorkshire,' said the fellow, * an ha lived sixteen years here.' — ' I wonder/ replied the gentleman, ■ that in so long a time, s« clever a fellow as you seem to be, have not come U be master of the inn yourself !' — ' Ay,' answered the ostler, - but maister's Yorkshire too.' —The late colonel Chartres, reflecting on his ill life and character, told a certain gentleman, that if such a thing as a good name was to be purchased, he would freely give ten thousand pounds for one. The nobleman said, it would certainly be the worst money he ever laid out in his life. 4 Why so V said the honest colonel. ' Because,' answered the lord, ■ you would forfeit it again in less than a week.' 103. — Among the articles exhibited to king Henry by the Irish against the earl of Kildare, the last con- cluded thus : * And finally, all Ireland cannot rule the earl.' — ' Then,' said the king, * the earl shall rule all Ireland ;' and so made him deputy. 10 >.- ind and charitable divine, for the benefit of the country where he resided, caused a large causeway to be begun : and as he was one day work, a certain nobleman came by : * Well, doctor,' said he, ' for all your great pains and charity, I don't take this to he the highway to Hea- ven.' — 'Very true, my lord,' replied the doctor; * for if it had, I should have wondered to have met your lordship here.' JOE MI1.I.F.R. 33 105. — Two Jesuits having packed together an in- numerable parcel of miraculous lies, a person who heard them, without taking upon him to contradict them, told them one of his own : that at St. Alban's there was a stone cistern, in which water was always preserved for the use of that saint, and that ever since, if a swine should eat out of it, he would instantly die. The Jesuits hugged themselves at the story, set out the next day to St. Alban's, where they found them- selves miseiably deceived. On their return, they up- braided the person with telling them so monstrous a story. ' Look you there now,' said he, ' you told me a hundred lies t'other night, and I had more breeding than to contradict you : I tokl you but one, and you have rid twenty miles to confute me, which is very uncivil.' 106. — A \Yi i-hman and an Englishman vapour- ing one day at the fruitfulness of their countries, the Englishman said, there was a close near the town where he was born, which was so very fertile, that if a kiboo was thrown in over- night, it would be so covered with grass, that it should be difficult to find itthenextday. ' Splut,' says the Welshman, * what's that 1 There's a close where hur was born, where you may put your horse in over night, and not be able to find him next morning.' 107. — King Chari.es II. being in company with lord Rochester and others of the nobility, Killigrew came in. ' Now,' says the king, ■ we shall hear of our faults.' — ' No, faith,' says Killigrew, ■ 1 don't care to trouble my head with that which all the town talks of.' 108. — One telling another that he had once so ex- cellent a gun, that it went off immediately upon a thief s coming into the house, although it was not charged. ■ How the devil can that be ?' said the other. * Because,' said the first, ' the thief carried it off ; and what was worse, before I had time to charge him with it/ C2 34 MR. ding in the pillory at 1 a stop, so that i caiman uitl. i much ado to pass ; and pillory, b« asked, what that iead I They told aim, ,;v hi> crime . that be itood there id he, ' what is forgery V — They bin that forgery was counterfeiting ano- ther's hand, with intent to cheat people. To which the an replied, looking up at the offender, ' Oh, pox, omesof your writing and reading, you silly dog/ 110 — Jul - when on the bench, told an old fellow with a long beard, that he supposed he had a conscience as long as his beard. ' Does your lord- ship,' replied the old man, ' measure consciences by beards'? If so, your lordship has none at all.' 111. — Sir Godfkfy Knh.i.hi, the painter, and the Dr. Elatcliffe, had a garden in common, but with one gate. 'rey, on some occasion, ordered the gate to be nailed. When the doctor heard of it, not care what Sir Godfrey did to the gate, so he did not point it. This being told to Sir :rey, ' Well,' replied he, ' I can take that or any thing else but physic, from my good friend Dr. Rat- lin. — A philosopher carrying something hid under his cloak, an impertinent fellow asked him what he had under his cloak ? To which the philosopher answered, ■ I carry it there, that you might not know.' icf Justice Jefferies had a cause before him between a Jew that was plaintiff, and a defendant. The latter pleaded, though the n had no right, by the laws <1, to bririL ' Well,' says ao other p!< my lord,' said he, ' ! this plea.' — ' Do you,' says my !1 you, you are the greatest Jew JOE M U.LER 35 11 J. — Some gentlemen coming out of a tavern pretty merry, a link-boy cried, ■ Have a light, gentle- men V — ' Light yourself to the devil, you dog,' said one of the company. ■ Bless you, master,' replied the boy, ' we can find the way in the dark ; shall we light your worship thither V 115. — The duchess of Newcastle, who wrote plays and romances, in king Charles the Second's time, asked Bishop Wilkins, how she could get up to the world in the moon, which he had discovered ; for as the journey must needs be very long, there would be no possibility of going through it, without resting on the way 1 ' Oh, madam,' said the bishop, * your grace has built so many castles in the air, that you cannot want a place to bait at.' 116. — An Englishman going into one of the French ordinaries in Soho, and fiiding a large dish of soup with about half a pound of mutton in the middle of it, began to pull off his wig, his stock, and then his coat ; at which one of the monsieurs, being much surprised, asked him what he was going to do 1 * Why, monsieur,' said he, ' 1 mean to strip, that I may swim through this ocean of pon idge, to yon little island of mutton.' 117. — A poor ingenious lad, who was a servitor at Oxford, not having wherewithal to buy a new pair of shoes, when his old ones were very bad, got them capp'd at the toes ; upon which, being bantered by some of his companions, ' Why should they not be capp'd V said he ; ' I am sure they are fellows.' 1 18. — THEStandersby.to comfort a poor man, who lay on his death-bed, told him, he should be carried to church by four very proper fellows. ' I thank ye,' said he, ' but I had much rather go by myself.' 119. — When poor Daniel Button died, one of his punning customers being at his funeral, and looking on the grave, cried out, 'This is a more lasting Button-hole than any made by a tailor.' 30 WILLI k. —One asking a painter how he could paint such prett his pictures, and yet get such homely children ! ' Because,' said he, 4 1 make the first by day-light and the other in the dark.' KM.— A obntlbman calling for small beer at another gentleman's table, finding it very bad, gave it the servant again without drinking. ■ What,' said i.ister of the house, ' do not you like the beerV ' It is not to be found fault with,' answered the other, 1 for one should never speak ill of the dead.' asking another, which way a man might use tobacco to have any benefit from it ; * By setting up a shop to sell it,' said he ; ' for certainly there is no profit to be had from it any other way.' -Bl N JoMtOM being one night at the Devil Tavern, there was a country gentleman in the company, who interrupted all other discourse with an account of his land and tenements; at last Ben, unable to it longer, said to him, ' What signifies your dirt and clods to us ? where you have one acre of land, I if wit ' — ' Have you so,' said the coun- ian, ' good Mr. Wiseacre l 1 This unexpected re- e from the elown struck Ben quite mute for a ' Why, how now, lien V said one of the corn- on seem to be quite stung.' — * I never was so prick'd by a hobnail before,' replied he. extravagant young fellow, rallying a il country 'squire, who had a good estate, and spent but little or it, said, among other things, ' I'll int you, that plate-buttoned suit was your great gran «: lid the other, 'and I have my great grandfather's lands too.' ys overtaking a wag- goner on the road, and thinking to break a joke upon SSked him. why his fore horse was so fat. and the rest m. ><: waggoner knowing them to be I hat his fore horse was a lawuer, and the rest were his clients.' JOE MILLER. 37 126. — A gentleman having sent for a carpenter's servant to knock a nail or two in his study, the fel- low, after he had done, scratched his ears, and said, he hoped the gentleman would give him something to make him drink. ' Make you drink,' said the gen- tleman, ' there's a pickled herring for you ; and if that won't make you drink, I'll give you another.* 1^7. — A sharper seeing a country gentleman sit- ting alone at an inn, and thinking something might be made of him, he went and sat near him, and took the liberty to drink to him. Having thus introduced himself, he called for a paper of tobacco, and said, 1 Do you smoke, Sir?' — * Yes,' says the gentleman, 1 any one that has a design upon me.' 128. — A certain country farmer was observed never to be in good humour when he was hungry ; for this reason his wife was careful to watch the time of his coming home, and always have dinner ready on the table. One day he surprised her, and she had only time to set a mess of broth ready for him, who soon, according to custom, began to open his pipes, and maundering over his broth, forgetting what he was about, burnt his mouth to some purpose ? The good wife seeing him in that sputtering condition, comforted him as follows : ' See what it is now, had you kept your breath to cool your pottage, you would not have burnt your mouth, John.' l c 29. — A harmless country fellow having com- menced a suit against a gentleman that had beat down his fences, and spoiled his corn, when the assizes drew near, his adversary bribed his only evidence to keep out of the way. ' Well,' says the fellow, ■ I'm resolved I'll go up to town, and the king shall know it.' — ' The king know it,' says his landlord, who was an attorney, ' prithee what good will that do you, if the man keeps out of the way?' — ■ Why, Sir/ says the poor fellow, ■ I have heard you say, the king could make a man a peer at any time.' • piper travelling in Poland, opei: ;e, and sat down to lid grace, but three .ut him ; to one he threw bread, to was gone ; at length l nd began to play, at which v. 'The de'el saw me,' said an I had kenn'd you lo'ed music sa weel, ould have ha'en it before dinner/ 11. \ii -ving Cicero, the Roman offing manner, who was his father? lied, * I by mother has made that question thee to answer.' A PHIL080PHBB being asked, why learned ented rich men's houses, but rich men sel- learnedl answered, 'That the first liiey want, but the latter do not.' d Bail, being about to a cornetcy in a regiment of hor>e, was pre- :he colonel for approbation, who, being a tared he did not like the name, and e no Halls in his regiment : * Nor powder, • id the gentleman, ' if your lordship could i it.' Mn. Pope being at dinner with a noble , had his own servant in livery waiting on him ; him, 4 Why he, that eat mostly at •mid be such a fool as to p a fellow in livery to laugh at him V — 'Til j hut one to laugh at ioui to keep lor the late eijeant told his captain that he had got him man. « Ay,' says the captain, ' prithee v. — ' A butcher, Sir,' replies the honour will have double service wo iheep stealers in the company JOE MIIJ.FR. 39 136. — In a cause tried at the King's Bench, a witness was produced who had a very red nose, and one of the counsel, an impudent fellow, being de- sirous to put him out of countenance, called out to him, after he was sworn, ■ Well, let's hear what have to say, with your copper nose.' — ' Why, Sir,' said he, * by the oath I have taken, I would not ex- change my copper nose for your brazen face.' 137. — An old cavalier told a great rumper, that he saw his master Oliver hanged, and he stunk horribly. ' Ay,' said the la.-t, ' no doubt but he stunk after he had been dead so long, but he would have made you stink if he had been alive.' 133. — Some scholars, on a time, going to steal coneys, by the way they warned a novice am* them to make no noise, for fear of spoiling their game ; but he no sooner spied some, but he cried out aloud, ' Ecce coniculi multi.' Whereupon the coi ran away with all speed into their burrows: upon which his fellows chiding him, ' Who the devil,' says he, * would have thought that the coneys un- derstood Latin?' 139. — A parson thinking to banter an honest qua- ker, asked him, where his religion was before George Fox's time? ■ Where thine was,' said the quaker, 4 before Harry Tudor's time. — Now thou hast been free with me, added the quaker, 'pray let me ask thee a question : — Where was Jacob going when he was turned of ten years of age 1 Canst thou tell thatV — ■ No, nor you neither, 1 believe.' — ' Yes, I can,' replied the quaker, ' he was going into his eleventh year, was he notV 140. — Queen Elizabeth seeing a gentleman in her garden, who had not felt the effect of her favours so soon as he expected, looking out of her window, said to him in Italian, ■ What does a man tnink of, Sir Edward, when he thinks of nothing V After a little pause, he answered, ' He ihinks, Madam, of a uo- 40 JOE MILLER. *i promise.' D shrunk in her head, but was heard to say, 'Well, Sir Edward, 1 must not , <>u : anger makes dull men witty, but it j><>or.' 1 U. — Win n the late Dauphin of France said to iua Duke of Roquelaure, * Stand farther off, •iclaurc, for you stink.' The duke replied, 'I our pardon, Sir, 'tis you that smell, not I.' in king Charles the Second's time, who had paid a tedious attendance at court for a place, and had a thousand promises, at length re- solvrd to sec the king himself; so getting himself introduced, he told his majesty what pretensions he had to his favour, and boldly asked him for the place then vacant. The king hearing his story, told him he had just given the place away ; upon which the gentleman made a very low obeisance to the king, and thanked him extremely, which he repeated often. The king, observing how over-thankful he was, called him again, and asked him the reason why he gave him such extraordinary thanks, when he had denied his suit ? ' The rather, please your majesty,' replied gentleman, ' because your courtiers have kept me waiting here these two years, and gave me a thousand put-offs, but your majesty has saved all that tronbl nerously given me my answer at once.' — ' ( the king, ' thou shalt 'lie place for thy downright honesty.' utees, if, strictly speaking, they are not to I under the head of jests, yet, the thought, and the politeness of th icwhat better. Of this sort ide by Sir Robert Sutton to the king him at a review of hi*> tall grenadiers, if he would say, an equal num- them : ' No, Sir,' an- swer. I won't pretend to say that, but I believe hnlf the number would y is poor, and I am poor ; Yet we will wed — so say no more ; And should the bairns you mention come, (As few that marry but have some) No doubt but Heav'n will stand our friend, And bread as well as children, send. So fares the hen, in farmer's yard, To live alone she finds it hard ; I've known her weary every claw In search of corn amongst the straw ; But when in quest of nicer food She clucks amongst her chirping brood ; With joy I've seen that self-same hen That scratch'd for one, could scratch for ten. These are the thoughts that make me willing To take my girl without a shilling : And for the self- same cause, d'ye see, Jenny's resMv'd to marry me ! 157. — An Irish horse-dealer sold a mare as sound wind and limb, and without fault. It afterwards appeared that the poor beast could not see at all with one eye, and was almost blind of the other. The pmchaser finding this, made heavy complaints to the dealer, and reminded him, that he engaged the mare to be ' without fault.' — ' To be sure,' re- 1 the other, ' to be sure I did ; but then, my honey, the poor crater's blindness is not her fault, but her misfortune.' geatleman, seeing an Irish fishwoman skinning some eels, said to her, * Mow can you be so cruel 1 don't you think you put them of paint' — 4 Why, your honour,' she lit when I first began business ; but ive dealt in them twenty years, and by this time t be quite used to it.' 159. in a regiment of light quartered in a neighbouring county,) ■ > was about six feet high, and very corpulent, JOE MILLER. 4"> was joking with an Irishman concerning the natural proneness of his countrymen to make bulls in con- versation. — ' By my soul,' said the Irishman, 'Ireland never made such a bull in all her life-time, as Eng- land did when she made a light horseman of you.' 160. — An Irish country schoolmaster being asked what was meant by the word, ' fortification,' instantly answered, with the utmost confidence, ' two tweuti- fications make a fortification.' 161. — A Scotchman and an Irishman were sleep- ing at an inn together. The weather being rather warm, the Scotchman in his sleep put his leg out of the bed. A traveller in passing the room door, saw him in this situation, and having a mind for a frolic, gently fixed a spur upon Sawney's heel : who draw- ing his leg into the bed, so disturbed his companion that he exclaimed, ' Arrah honey, have a care of your great toe, for you have forgot to cut your nails 1 belaiv.' The Scotchman being sound asleep, and sometimes, perhaps, not a little disturbed by other companions, still kept scratching poor Pat, till his patience being quite spent, he succeeded in rousing Sawney, who not a little surprised at finding the spur on his heel, loudly exclaimed, ' Deil take the daft chiel of an ostler, he's ta'en my boots off last night, and left on the spur.' 162. -^A gentleman once asked Sir Richard Steele, why the Irish, his countrymen, were so prone to make bulls, ' Indeed,' said the knight, * I suppose it is owing to some quality in the soil, for I really think, if an Englishman were born in Ireland, he would make as many bulls as an Irishman.' 163. — During the memorable engagement in which Lord Nelson achieved his immortal victory over the French fleet, upon the coast of I-gypt, an officer, on board his vessel, had his right arm shot off, and lost an eye by a splinter. His illustrious commander, whose vigilance was unremitting, for ho 101 MIIIF.R. i out upon such i, on hearing of (1 him in his cabin, though tl soon as the battle was over, ncern for the misfortune. The ith equal gallantry and politeness said, '/ir fnniont here, and he must indeed be destitute of taste, who is not proud on this ■. in any thing.' iMorinan having occasion to ride some I of town, on his return the next day, ex- claimed to a friend who accompanied him, ' How is f all the mile-stones were on my left I to-day they are on my right.' An Irish recruit being rebuked, by the ser- I for ^t; iking one of his comrades, ' I thought no harm in it,' quoth Pat, ■ as I had my hand but my Jist.' -Tin well known Mr. Price kept a go-down it Calcutta, where he sold a gun to an Iiishman, who soon returned with it, complaining the barrel was much bent. ' Is it V said Price, ■mi ] ought to have charged thee more for it.' — • Why so 7 ' said the other. ■ Because these pieces ■ re constructed for shooting round a corner.' — ' If be the case,' says Paddy, ' then I insist on re- pomposity of Dr. Johnson, and his vain mobs t those who assumed in quaintance with literature, are wellknown. Old Macklin, the player, who was a an, one day paid the doctor a visit as i a few introductory words, ' sneering way, that literary in the vulgar tongue, but md immediately addressed e of Latin. Macklin, to the doctor's pro- said he would rather converse in Greek, JOf Ml IE*. 47 and immediately proceeded in a long sentence of equal length in Irish. The doctor again reverted to the English tongue, and observed, ■ Sir, you may speak very good Greek, but I am not sufficiently versed in that dialect, to converse with you fluently.' Macklin burst out laughing, made his bow, and retired. K<8. — The late Lord Sommerton, archbishop of Dublin, while he enjoyed the archbi>hopricof Cashel, and was about to be collated to the metropolitan see, had entered into a treaty with his tenants in general, to receive fines for a renewal of their leases (through which means, by the way, the reverend prelate netted a sum of 50,0()0/.). ' Amongst others who came to treat with the right reverend prelate, was the widow ot a wealthy farmer, who, after travelling some distance, arrived while his lordship was at dinner enfamille. As soon as her arrival was announced, he desired she might be introduced to the dinner- parlour, and politely pressed her to sit down and dine. The lady declined, and said she had ■ got her dinner already.' The Archbishop, supposing her re- fusal arose from bashfulness, pressed her to partake of some dish, and amongst the rest, very urgently recommended her to take some roast hare. The matron, in the simplicity of her heart, answered, 1 L pon my con>cience, please your lordship, I don't care for it, my belly is full of hare already ; for my son shot two yesterday, and we had them for dinner to-day.' The hare which the poor woman meant m t ] st have been game, for the company laughed im- moderately. i69. — Tut gallery wit of the Dublin theatres has long been celebrated ; for, perhaps the mob of that city are the wittiest blackguards in Europe : and the deities of the upper gallery never fail to mark their approbation or hatred for all public characters who happen to catch their eyes, by plaudits or groans : I for his share in It as he happens to he popular or a d popular ; of those august personages unable to bear this kind of attack have uniformly -elves from the theatre. The late n, Duke of Rutland, and his beauti- ful Duchess, appeared one night in the vice regal 1 Peg Plunkett, with a few of her nymphs appeared in the side bo upper gall- mediately began upon the itb ' Ha! I\g ! who tUpt with you last night, Peg V To which she immediately answered in a tone of reproof, * Manners, you black- guards.' This was so palpable a hit at the repre- • ttive of royalty, who was a frequent visitant at it it threw the house into a roar of the noble Duke retired under much embarrassment. 170. — Mil Bum, in his juvenile days, was ex- tremely fond of private acting A few of his com- panions proposed that he should play Richmond, in ;.ard the Third ; and having given him the part at a very short notice, he arose betimes one morning, and walked down a lane adjoining his father's house, so intent on studying his part, that-he did not per- ceive a filthy ditch before him, and had just uttered with heroic dignity, ' Thus far have we got into the Is of the land,' when he found himself up to his middle in the mire. 171. — An Hibernian officer, being once in com- pany with several who belonged to the same corps, one of them, in a laugh, said he would lay a dozen of t, that th- i made a bull before the over. ' Done,' said Terence. The wager was laid, and by way of puzzling him, he ! how many bulls there were in that town. • «•,' said he. ' How do you make tbem outV said the other. ' Faith/ said he, 'there is the Black JOE MILLER. & Bull in the market-place, and the Red Bull over th* way ; then there is the Pied Bull just by the bridge and the White Bull at the corner.' — ' They are bu four,' said the other. ' Why arrah,' said he, ■ ther« is the Dun Cow in the Butcher-row.' — ■ That's 9 bull,' said the other. * By Jasus,' said he, ■ then I have won my wager, and you have made the bull and not me.' 17 L 2. — A gentleman having built a large house, was at a loss what to do with the rubbish. His steward advised him to have a pit dug large enough to contain it. * And what,' said the gentleman, smiling, • shall I do with the earth which is dug out of the pit !' To which the steward, with great gravity, replied, ' Have the pit made large enough to hold all.* 173. — Two Irish soldiers, being quartered in a bo- rough in the west of England, got into conversation respecting their quarters. ' How,' said the one, ■ are you quartered]' — ' Pretty well.' — ' What part of the house do you sleep in !' — 4 Up stairs.' — ' In the garret, perhaps V — ' The garret ! no ; Dennis O'Brien would never sleep in a garret.' — ' Where then V — * Why, I know not what you call it; but I call it first Jiure down the chimley.* 174. — An Irishman, being struck by his master, cried out, ' Devil take me, if I arn certain whether he has kilt me or no ; but if I am kilt, it will afford me great satisfaction to hear the old dog was hanged for killing me.' 175. — One of the last few patriotic acts of the Irish parliament was the establishment of a public bota- lical garden, at the village of Glassnevin, near r ublin, principally with a view to the arrangement md cultivation of useful plants, the national growth cf the country. The professor of this institution, Dr. Wade, when just proceeding to the south upon a botanizing tour, met the celebrated Sir Boyle Roache, who asked him where he was going. He D so lc, on a botanitiog DUr gar- replied the ould advise you to go in bota- nize all round the lake of Killarney in my Lord Ken- mure's barge, and find more indigence planted there than 1: >m.' i?6.— I.n i 1 1 nam (Cnn "i.i. y, bo Irishman, in the service of the United States, during the American war, chanced to take three 1 lessian prisoners himself, without any assistance. Being asked by the com- mander- in chief, how he had taken them 1 ' By Jasus ! I surrounded them,' was the answer. 177.- -As lri>h student of the Temple having oc- to go to dinner, left this direction in the key- hole : ' Gone to the Elephant and Castle, where you shall find me ; and if yon can't read this, carry it to 1 he shall read it for you.' 178- i i ion vi citizen of London, within pretty constant in early, and taking a rural morning walk, either in Mooifichls, or, in wet weather, under i the Royal Exchange, to create anappe- ius buttered muffins, and improve his health. But having overslept himself one morning, after tomach furniture on the ng day at a civic feast, his fond rib reminded that lie had not taken his morn- \.iy, that don't much ! shall take it in the afternoon, lovey.' • tin it it be a consequence of the act of n, or of I t prevalence of westerly not decided ; but any person who mixes h witlycoi: ; uents j*»^law courts, 01/ 0 JOE MILLER. to town, and demanding his bill of law charges, to find that it amounted to at least three times toe sum he expected ; the honest attorney assured him, that there was no article in his bill, but what was fair und reasonable. * Nay,' said the country gentleman. 1 there's one of them I am sure cannot be so, for you have set down three shillings and four-pence for going to Southwark, when none of my business lay that way ; pray, what is the meaning of that, Sir V — * Oh, Sir,' said he, ' that was for fetching the chine and turkey from the carrier's that you sent me for a present out of the country.* 207. — A c;im ii mam going into a meeting-house, and stumbling over one of the forms that were set there, cried out in a passion, ' Who the devil ex- pected set forms in a meeting-house V 208. — When George 11. in coming from Hol- land, happened to meet with a violent storm at sea, the captain of the yacht cried to the chaplain, * In five minutes more, doctor, we shall be with the Lord.' 1 The Lord forbid,' answered the doctor. 209. — A justice of peace seeing a parson on a very stately horse, riding between London and I lamp- stead, said to some gentlemen who were with him, do you see what a beautiful horse that proud parson has got, I'll banter him a little. ' Doctor,' said he, 'i don't follow the example of your great Master, who was humbly content to ride upon an ass.' — ' Why really, Sir,' replied the parson, ' the king has made so many asses justices, that an honest clergy- haidly find one to ride if he had a mind l 2\0. deal of company being at dinner here a silver spoon was laid at the side of every plate, one of the company watch- coovenient opportunity, as he thought, slid sra into his pocket ; but being observed more narrowly tlian he was aware of, the gentleman who JOE MILLER. 61 sat Apposite to him, took up another, and stuck it in the button-hole of his bosom ; which the master of the house perceiving, asked him in good humour, ' W hat was his fancy in that?' — ■ Why,' replied he, * I thought every man was to have one, because I saw that gentleman, over against me, put one in his pocket.' 911. — A rich farmer's son, who had been bred at the University, coming home to visit his father and mother, they being one night at supper on a couple of fowls, he told them, that by logic and arithmetic, he could prove those two fowls to be three. ' Well, let us hear,' said the old man. ' Why, this,' cried the scholar, ■ is one, and this,' continued he, ' is too, two and one, you know, make three.' — ' Since you have made it out so well,' answered the old man, 'your mother shall have the first fowl, I will have the second, and the third you may keep yourself for your great learning.' 21 c 2. — A gentleman who had a suit in chancery, was called upon by his counsel to put in his answer, for fear of incurring contempt. * And why/ said the gentleman, ' is not my answer put in V — * How should I draw your answer,' cried the lawyer, ' till I know what you can swear?' — * Pox on your scru- ples,' replied the client, ' pr'ythee, do your part as a lawyer, and draw a sufficient answer, and let me alone to do the part of a gentleman, and swear to it.' 213.— An honest Welsh carpenter, coming out of Cardiganshire, got work in Bristol, where, in a few months, he had saved, besides his expenses, about twelve shillings ; and with this prodigious sum of money, returning into his own country, when he came upon Mile Hill, he looked back on the town : ' Ah, poor Pristow,' said he, ' if one or two more of hur countrymen were to give hur such another shake as hur has done, it would be poor Pristow indeed.' JOT. Mil IIR. el ling Charles XIL, of Sweden, just re the battle of Narva, that the enemy were three U) one : ' I am glad to hear it,' answered the kin£, 1 for then there will be enough to kill, enough to prisoners, and enough to run away.' i k — A pool fellow, who growing rich on a sud- den, from a very mean and beggarly condition, and taking great state upon him, was met one day by one of his poor acquaintance, who accosted him in a very humble manner, but having no notice taken of him, cried out, ' Nay, it is no great wonder that you should not know me, wheu you have forgot your- self.' 216. — Maju is Linus, who was governor of Taren- tum when Hannibal took it, being envious to see so much honour done to Fabius Maximus, said one day in open senate, ' That it was himself, not Fabius Maximus, that was the cause of retaking the city of Dtum.' Fabius said smilingly, ' Indeed thou speakest truth, for hadst thou not lost it, I should never have retaken it.' 217. — Axphonso, king of Naples, sent a Moor, who had been his captive a long time, to liarbary, with a considerable sum of money to purchase horses, and to return by such a time. There was about the king a buffoon, or jester, who had a table-book, < I to register any remarkable absur- dity that happened at court. The day the Moor was 1 to Barbary, the said jester waiting on the at supper, the king called tor his table-book, in ilar journal of absurdities : took the book, and read, how Alphonso, in the Moor, who had i a long time his prisoner, to Morocco, his own country, with so many thousand crowns to buy horses. king turned to the jester, and asked, why he ! he, * [ think he will M back to be a prisoner again ; and so you JOE MILLER. 63 have lost both man and money/ — ■ But, if he does come,' says the king, ' then your jest is marred.' — ; 4 No, Sir,' replies the buffoon, ' for if he should re- turn, I will blot out your name, and put in his for a fool/ 218. — Soon after the death of a great officer, who was judged to have been no great advancer of the king's affairs; the king said to his solicitor Bacon, who was kinsman to that lord : 4 Now Bacon, tell me truly, what say you of your cousin V Mr. Bacon answered, ' Since your majesty charges me to speak, I will deal plainly with you, and give you such a character of nim, as though I were to write his story. I do think he was no fit counsellor to have made your affairs better, yet he was fit to have kept them from growing worse.' — ' O my saul,' quoth the king, ' in the first thou speakest like a true man ; and in the latter like a kinsman/ 219.— A young fellow being told that his mistress was married ; to convince him of it, the young gen- tleman who told him, said, he had seen the bride and bridegroom. ' Pr'ythee/ said the forsaken swain, 4 do not call them by those names. I cannot bear to hear them/— 'Shall I call them dog and cat?' answered the other. ' Oh no, for heaven's sake/ replied the first, ' that sounds ten times more like man and wife than t'other/ 2 C 20. — A very ignorant, but very foppish young fellow, going into a bookseller's shop with a relation, who went thither to buy something he wanted, seeing his cousin look into a particular book, and smile, asked him, what there was in that book that made him smile? 'Why/ answered the other, 'this book is dedicated to you, cousin Jack.' — * Is it so/ said he, 4 pray let me see it, for I never knew before that I had such an honour done to me/ Upon which, taking it into his hads, he found it to be Perkins' Catechism, dedicated 4 to all ignorant persons/ 61 MILLER. — A mhaki \ fellow having sold all his goods, lo maintain himself at his pot, except his feather-bed, at last made away with that too ; when being re- {>roved for it by some of his friends ; ' Why,' said • 1 am very well, thank God, and why should I keep my bed.' -Win v king Charles I was in great anxiety about signing the warrant for the earl of Strafford's execution, saying, * it was next to death to part with so able a minister, and so loyal a subject ;' a certain favourite of the king's standing by, soon resolved his majesty, by telling him, ' that in such an exigence, a man had better part with his crutch than his leg.' M3. — A person having been put to great shifts to get money to support his credit, some of his cre- ditors at length sent him word, that they would give him trouble. ' Pox,' says he, ' I have had trouble enough to borrow the money, and had not need to be troubled to pay it again.' — Count Gondemar, the Spanish ambassador here, in queen Elizabeth's time, sent a compliment to the lord St. Alban's, whom he lived in no good terms with, wishing him a ' merry Easter.' My lord thanked the messenger, and said, he could not requite the count better, than by wishing him a ' good Pass- over.' — A lady seeing a tolerable pretty fellow, who by the help of his tailor and sempstress had transformed himself into a beau, said, ' What pity e one, whom nature has made no fool, so industrious to pass for an ass.' — ' Rather/ says an- p, 'one should pity those whom nature abuses than those who abuse nature • besides, the town would I of one half of its diversion, if it should become a crime to laugh at a fool.' old follow having a great itch after his neighbour's wife, employed her chambermaid in the At the next meeting he inquired, what JOE UlLLEJt. 65 answer the lady had sent him ? ' Answer,' said the girl, ' why she has sent you this for a token,' (giving him a smart slap in the face.) ■ Ay,' cried the old fellow, rubbing his chops, ' and you have lost none of it by the way : I thank you.' 227. — A busy impertinent, entertaining Aristotle the philosopher one day with a tedious discourse, and observing that he did not much regard him, made an apology, that he was afraid he had inter- rupted him. ' No, really,' replied the philosopher, ' you have not interrupted me at all, for I have not minded one word you said.' 228. — Two conceited coxcombs wrangling and ex- posing one another before company, one told them, that they had both done like Wits : ' For you Wits,' says he, ■ never give over, till you prove one another Fools/ 229. — Three young conceited wits, as they thought themselves, passing along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be rudely merry ; ' Good-morrow, father Abraham,' said one : ' Good-morrow, father Isaac/ said the next: 'Good-morrow, father Jacob,' cried the last. ■ I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob,' replied the old gentleman, ' but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father's asses, and lo ! here 1 have found them.' 230. — J a mls the first of England, and sixth of Scot- land, though in some degree a man of sense and wit, seems to have been remarkably deficient in the more important talent of steadiness and vigour of mind. It is said he was not unconscious of this defect ; and that he was once told of it in a very curious manner from the pulpit. He heard of a famous preacher, who, according to the fashion of the times, was very witty in his sermons, and peculiarly happy in his choice of texts. James got this person to preach before him ; who, with all suitable gravity, gave out W JOB MILLER. Ins text in the following words — 'James I. and VL, in the latter part of the verse. " He thatwavereth is like a wave of the sea, driven by the winds and tos- 1 — • God's ehirkens !' whispered the king, * he ' me already !' The preacher went on, and trim- med the king soundly. The text is genuine, and the application of it witty, even independently of the pun, which seems so well suited to the taste of the of ■ James I. and VI.' t31. — A simim e bumpkin, coming to London, was very much taken with the sight of a chair, or sedan, and bargained with the chairmen to carry him to a place he named. The chairmen, observing the cu- riosity of the clown to be suitable to the meanness of his habit, privately took out the bottom of the chair, and then put him into it, which, when they took up, the countryman's feet were upon the ground, and as the chairmen advanced, so did he ; and to make the better sport, if any place was dirtier in the way than the rest, that they chose to go through ; the coun- tryman not knowing but others used to be carried, or rather driven in the same manner, coming to his lodgings, gave them their demand : returning into the itry, he related what rare things he had seen in Ion, and withal, that he had been carried in a •i !' quoth one, 'What is that?' — * Why, 1 said he, ' like our watchhouse, only it is co- ■ 1 with leather; but were it not for the name of in, a man might as well walk on foot.' 2.S2. — A vonii standing by whilst his father was at pi ing him to lose a great deal of money, ked him the reason Oh, Sir, I have heard that Alexan- der i vept when he heard his father Philip iy towns, cities, and coun- ,t he would leave him nothing to win; contrary way, fearing that you will nothing to lose.' JOB MrLLER. 67 233. — The famous Mr. Amner going through a street in Windsor, two boys looked out of a one pair of stairs window, and cried, ' There goes Mr. Amner that makes so many bulls.' He hearing them, lookad up, saying, 'You rascals, I know you well enough, and if I had you here I'd kick you down stairs.' IS4- — The same gentleman crossing the water in a ferry-boat at Datchet, the good man of the ferry being from home, his wife did his office, and not putting in the boat just at the landing place, Mr. Amner at his landing sunk into the mud over his shoes, and going a little farther he met with a friend, who asked, how he came so dirty ; ' 'Fore God,' re- plied Mr. Amner, ' no man was ever so abused as I have been, for, coming over Datchet Ferry, a scurvy woman waterman put over the boat, and landed me clean in the mire.' 23.i.— In Flanders, a tyler accidentally fell from the top of a house, upon a Spaniard, and killed him, though he escaped himself. The next of the blood prosecuted his death with great violence against the tyler; and when he was offered pecuniary recom- pense, nothing would serve him but Lex Talionis. Whereupon the judge said unto him, That if he did urge that kind of sentence, it must be, that he should go up to the top of the same house, and from thence fall down upon the tyler. 236. — A young Italian gentleman being led by curiosity into Holland, where having lived some time conversing with the most ingenious, was one day set upon by a Protestant minister, who would needs engage him in a controversy about religion. The young gentleman, knowing himself too weak for the encounter, begged his diversion, and endeavoured to wave the discourse ; but the more he avoided it, the more hotly was he pressed by the minister ; where- upon the young Italian, in a very great passion, con- JOE MILLER. d liim by all that is good, to let him alone in !« with his religion ; ■ For,' said he, • 1 cannot embrace your's, ami if you make me lose my own, I will never make choice of any other.' 7. — A certain duchess, in a late reign, hear- ing that a man in a high office, which gave him an opportunity of handling much cash, had married his kept mistress ; ■ Good Lord,' said she, ' that old fel- low is always robbing the public/ 258, — Queew Elizabeth being much enraged against Dr. Hayward, author of the Life of Henry the Fourth, had ordered her law officers to proceed against him ; and, amongst others, inquired of Bacon, if there was not treason in the book 1 the witty law- yer readily answered — ' No, madam, 1 cannot an- swer for there being treason in it, but I am certain it contains much felony.' — ' How,' eagerly exclaimed her majesty, ■ how, and wherein Y — ' In many pas- sages/ replied he, 'which he has stolen from Tacitus.' 239. — Dh. IIirKRiNGAL, who was one of King Charles the Second's chaplains, whenever he preach- ed before his Majesty, was sure to tell him of his faults, and to scold him from the pulpit very severely. One day his majesty walking in the Mall, observed the doctor before him, and sent to speak to him : when he came, ■ Doctor,' says the king, ' what have I done to you that you are always quarrelling with roe V — ' I hope your majesty is not angry with me,' quoth the doctor, ' for telling the truth.' — ' No, no,' says the king, ■ but I would have us for the future be friends.' — ' Well, well,' quoth the doctor, ■ I will make it up with your majesty on these terms, as you mend I'll mend.' 2 JO.— Tom Clarke of St. John's desired a Fellow of the same college to lend him Bishop Burnet's History of the Reformation ; the other told him, he could not spare it out of his chamber, but if he pleased, he might come there and read in it all day long: IOB MILLER. 69 some time after the same gentleman sends to Tom to borrow his bellows ; Tom sent him word, that he could not possibly spare them out of his chamber, but he might come there and use them all day long if he would. 241. — A brave Dutch captain being commanded by his colonel to go on a dangerous exploit against the French, with forces that were unlikely to achieve he enterprise, the captain advised his colonel to send 6ut half so many men : ' Why so V said the colonel, * to send but half so many men V — ' Because,' re- plied the captain, * they are enough to be knocked on the head.' 242. — King Charles II. on a certain time paying a visit to Dr. Busby, the Doctor is said to have strut- ted through his school with his hat upon his head, while his Majesty walked complaisantly behind him, with his hat under his arm ; but, when he was tak- ing his leave at the door, the Doctor, with great hu- mility, thus addressed himself: 'Sir, I hope your Majesty will excuse my want of respect hitherto ; but if my boys were to imagine there was a greater man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able to rule them.' 243 — One of King James the First's chaplains preaching before the court at Whitehall, made use of the following quibbles in his discourse. Speak- ing of the depravity of the age, * almost all houses/ he said, • were made ale-houses ; that men made matrimony a matter of money ; and placed their pa- radise in a pair of dice : Was it so in the days of Noah ? Ah, no.' 244. — Several press-gangs infesting the streets of the city and suburbs, one of which giving umbrage to a merry punster, who had just staggered from a tavern, into the middle of them : he said pleasantly enough, ■ God bless his majesty's arms ! But, as to the supporters, they are beasts.* 70 JOF MIL1.FR. 245. — Mu. Piuon, when am bi ngntone of the French operas at Paris, and seated in a box with a nobleman lie was free with, who, as usual in ids louder than the performer, burst into bitter invectives against the last ; upon which his hip gave over, to inquire the reason, adding, that the person he exclaimed against so fiercely, was one of the finest voices they had. ■ Yes,' replies his llency, ' but he makes such a horrid noise, that I can't have the pleasure to hear your lordship.' iviNG of 500/. per annum falling in the gift of the late Lord Chancellor Talbot, Sir Robert Walpole recommended one of his friends as very de- serving of the benefice, whom his lordship approved of. In the interim, the curate, who had served the incumbent many years for poor 30/. per annum, came up with a petition, signed by many of the in- habitants, testifying his good behaviour, setting forth, that he had a wife and seven children to maintain, and begging his lordship would stand his friend, that he might be continued in his curacy ; and, in consi- deration of his large family, if he could prevail with the next incumbent to add 10/. a year, he should for ever pray. His lordship, according to his usual good- ness, promised to use his utmost endeavours to serve him ; and the reverend gentleman, for whom the liv- ing was designed, coming soon after to pay his re- spects, my lord told him the affair of the curate, with this difference only, that he should allow him 60/. at instead of 30/. The parson, in some confusion, replied, He was sorry that he could not grant his request, for that he had promised the curacy to an- other, and could not go back from his word. ' How !' says my lord, ' have you promised the curacy, before were possessed of the living ? Well, to keep your I with your friend, if you please, I'll give him the curacy, but the living, I assure you, I'll give to another :' and saying this he left him. The next day JOE MILLER. 71 die poor curate coming to know his destiny, n\y lord lold him, that he had used his endeavours to serve him as to the curacy, but with no success, the reve- rend gentleman havii 1 of it before. The curate, with a deep sigh, returned his lordship thanks for his goodness, and was going to withdraw ; when my lord calling him bark, >aid, with a smile, 4 Well, my friend, 'tis true, I have it not in my power to give you the curacy ; but if you will accept of the \\\ 'tis at your service.' The curate almost surprised to death with joy, in the most moving expressions of gratitude, returned his lordship thanks, whose goodness had in a moment raised him and his family from a necessitous condition, to a comfortable state of life. r. — The said noble lord, when he was under the tuition of the Reverenu , who used to call him his little chancellor, one day replied, that vUien he -o, he would give him a good living. One hap- pening to fall soon aiui he was chancellor, he re- collected his promise, and ordered the presentation to be filled up for his old master, who soon after came to his lordship, to remind him of his promise, and to ask him for this living. ■ Why really,' said my lord, ' I wish you had come a day sooner, but I have given it away already ; and when you see to whom, I dare say you will not think me to blame.' So put- ting the presentation into his hands, he convinced him that he had not forgot his promise. *48.— King Charles 11., after the Restoration, told Waller the poet, that he had made better ve and said finer things of Cromwell than of him. ■ That may very well be,' replied Waller, ' for poets gene- rally succeed better in fiction than in truth.' ^49. — An honest Highlander, walking along Hol- born, heard a voice cry, 'Rogue, Scot; Rogue, Scot :' his northern blood fired at the insult ; he drew his bread sword, looking round him on every side, TX hi I LI BR. t of his indignation j at last he ic from I parrot, perched in B balcony with i ; but the generous Scot, disdaining nn lus trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put Up h i in, with a sour smile, saying, ■ Gin ere a man, as ye're a green geuse, 1 would split your weem.' ploughman seeing the Archbishop of L, r ne go by, attended by a great many soldiers, laughed ; the archbishop pressed him to know the on : ' It is because I wonder,' said the plough- , ' to see an archbishop armed, and followed, not liuichiiien, but by soldiers, like a general of aa army.' — * Friend,' replied the archbishop, * in my church I perform the part of an archbishop with my bat in the field I march like a duke, accom- fied by my soldiers.' — 4 I understand you, my n ered the peasant ; ' but pray tell me, when niv lord duke goes to the devil, what will then be- v Lord archbishop V In a visit Queen Klizabeth made to Sir Ni- cholas Jiacon, at a small country-seat, which he had built for himself before his preferment; she asked him, how it came that he had made himself so small a house ? * It is not I, Madam,' answered he, ' who le my house too small for myself, but your who have made me too big for my house.' tine saying of my Lord llussel, who ided in the reign of King Charles 11. when on the icaffold, he delivered his watch to Dr. Gilbert iid- bishop of Salisbury : ■ Here, Sir,' this, it shews time ; I am going into eternity, and shall have no longer any need of it.' ordinary country fellow being called as tnei t of judicature, in a cause where the terms of mortgage and mortgagee were frequently t, the judge asked the countryman if he knew the difference between the riurrtgager and lb* mortgagee : JOE MILLER. 73 * Yes/ said he, ■ it is the same as between the noddtr and noddee.' — ' How is thatV replied the judge. — • Why, you sit there, my lord,' said the clown, 4 and I nod at you ; then I am the nodder, and your lord- ship is the noddee.' L 2bA. — Queev Elizabeth having taken notice of the Duke de Villa Medina's gallant behaviour at a tour- nament, told him one day, that she would absolutely know who his mistress was : Villa Medina excused himself awhile, but at last yielding to her curiosity, he promised to send her her picture. The next morn- ing he sent her majesty a packet; wherein the queen finding nothing but a small looking-glass, presently understood the Spaniard's meaning. It must needs be confessed, that this was a very ingenious contriv- ance ; and there's no question, but this great and witty princess, who was so well pleased to be ac- counted beautiful, was well enough satisfied with this dumb declaration of love. 255. — A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that was all black ; * Take off your glove, friend,' said the judge to him. — ■ Put on your spectacles, my lord,' answered the dyer. 256. — A certain captain, who had made a greater figure than his fortune could well bear, and the regi- ment not being paid as was expected, was forced to put off a great part of his equipage ; a few days after, as he was walking by the road- side, he saw one of his soldiers sitting lousing himself under a hedge : 4 What are you doing there, Tom ;' said the officer. — ■ Why, faith, Sir,' answered the soldier, ' I am following your example, getting rid of part of my retinue.' 257. — ADMiRALCHATiLLONbeingonaholidaygone to hear mass in the Dominican Friars' chapel, a poor fellow begged his charity, just as he was most intent on his devotions. He felt in his pocket, and gave him several pieces of gold, without counting them, E 74 uli.it thej w< re. I h< c( nsiderable alms (I at it. As M. Chatillon e <>ut of the church* . where the poor man waited for him ; ' Sir/ he, shewing him what he had given him, ' I can- not tell whither you intended to give me so large a sum ; if not, J am very ready to return it.' The ad- miral, wondering at the honesty of the man, said, 'I did □ !. honest man, intend to have given h ; but, since you have the generosity to offer to return it, 1 will have the generosity to desire to keep it, and there are five pieces more for you.' >8. — A (i\s(oN officer, who had served under Henry IV. king of France, and not having received pay for a considerable time, came to the king, and confidently said to him, * Sir, three words with your majesty, Money or discharge.' — 'Four with you,' ied his majesty, ' Neither one, nor t'other. t;>9. — A CERTAIN Italian having wrote a book upon the Art of making Gold, dedicated it to Pope Leo X. in hopes of a good reward. His holiness finding the man constantly followed him, at length gave him a large empty purse, saying, ' Sir, since you know how to make gold, you can have no need of any thing but a purse to put it in.' 860. — A countryman seeing a lady in the street as he thought, begged her to be | fo tell him what she called it. The lady, a it the question, called him an imperti- ! ' fellow. ' Nay, I hope nooffencc, madam,' cried i poor countryman, just going out of i and my wile aW hould bring her nt of the n« Hi, which occasioned! hal you call this that you wear.' — 'It ' 1 have heard,' DUntryman, /heartily nettled at her m a poke, but never saw a sow tore.' ( JOE MILLER. 75 261. Of all the disinterested professors I have ever heard of, I take the Boatswain of Dampier's ship to be the most impudent, but the most excusable. You are to know, that in the wild researches that navi- gator was making, they happened to be out at sea, far distant from any shore, in want of all the neces- saries of life ; insomuch, that they began to look, not without hunger, on each other. The boatswain was a fat, healthy, fresh fellow, and attracted the eyes of the whole crew. In such an extreme necessity, all forms of superiority were laid aside. The captain and lieutenant were safe only by being carrion ; and the unhappy boatswain in danger only by being worth eating. To be short, the company were unanimous, and the boatswain must be cut up. He saw their in- tention, and desired he might speak a few words before they proceeded ; which being permitted, he delivered nimself as follows : ' Gentlemen sailors, far be it that I should speak it for any private interest of my own, but I take it, that I should not die with a good con- science, if I did not confess to you that I am not sound. I say, gentlemen, justice, and the testimony of a good conscience, as well as love of my country, to which I hope you will all return, oblige me to own, that black Kate of Deptford has made me very unfit to eat ; and I speak it with shame, I am afraid, gen- tlemen, I shall poison you.' — The speech had a good effect in the boatswain's favour ; but the surgeon of the ship protested he had cured him very well, and offered to eat the first steak himself. The boatswain replied, (like an orator, with a true notion of the people, and in hopes to gain time) that he was heartily glad if he could be for their service, and thanked the surgeon for his information: 'However, 'said he/I must inform you for your own good, that I have ever since my cure, been very thirsty and dropsical ; therefore I presume it will be much better to tap me, and drink me off, than eat me at once, and have no man in the 7 g JOB MILLF.H. ,hip fit to be drank afterwards.' As he was going on wlhs harangue, a fresh gale arose, and gave the cr'w hopes of a better repast at the nearest shore, to which they arrived next morning. ".-A ruot „ parson, and his man riding over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock .and having a new coat on, the parson asked him, ma haughty tone, who gave him that coat ; the same, said tC g sheV'd, 'that clothed you-the parish The parson, nettled at this, rode on, "urmunng, ' ht ™ way, and then bade his man go back, and i ask the rheuherd if he'd come and live with him, for he want- ed a fool. The man going accordingly to the shep- herd devered his mLteA message, and concluded as he was ordered, that his master wanted a fool. • Why. are you going away then,' said the shepherd. • \o /answered The other/ 'Then you may tell your .,«,' replied the shepherd. ' his living can t main- :!'1Y!-o U bLa» having presented IKing Charles Il.wUh a flue horse, his majesty bade ™&»£* was present, tell him his age, whereupon Ki ligrew goeslnd examines the tail : 'What are .you i do™* laid the king, ' this is not the place to find out his a ' '-*0 I Sir,' said Killigrew, ' your majesty knows one should never look a gift horse in the mouth. _ V voonc man, who was a very great talker, making a bargain wilh Isocrates to be taught by him ; '■rate. ask*l double the price that his other scholars gaSn* ' and the reason,' said he, - is, thatl mu. leach thee two sciences, one to speak, and the other to hold thy tongue.' . . • J2j._X s,:.*>..ak of Dr. Busby's coming into a parlour where the doctor had laid down a fine bunch of grapes for his own eating, takes it up, and says aloud ' 1 publish the banns between these grapes and my mouth , if any one knows any just cause or impedLmt why these two should not be joined JOE MILLER 77 together, let them declare it.' The doctor being but in the next room, overheard all that was said, and coming into the school, he ordered the boy who had eaten liis grapes to be taken up, or, as they called it, horsed on another boy's back, but before he proceed- ed to the usual discipline, he cried out aloud, as the delinquent had done ; • 1 publish the banns between my rod and this boy's breech, if any one knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together, let them declare it' — 'I forbid the banns,' cried the boy. 'Why so V said the doctor. ■ Because the parties are not agreed,' replied the boy. Which answer so pleased the doctor, who Joved to find any readiness of wit in his scholars, that he ordered the boy to be set down. 266. — Some gentlemen being at a tavern together, for want of better diversion, one proposed play: ■ But,' said another of the company, ' I have fourteen good reasons against gaming.' — ■ What are those !' said another. — ' In the first place,' auswered he, ■ I have no money.' — ' Oh !' said the first, ' if you had four hundred reasons, you need not name another.' 267. — A young fellow, not quite so wise as Solo- mon, eating some Cheshire cheese full of mites, one night at the tivern, ' Now,' said he, ' have I done as much as Samson, for I have slain my thousands and my ten thousands.' — « Yes,' answered one of the company, ' and with the same weapon too, the jaw- bone of an ass.' 268. — When the late Duke of went over lord-lieutenant of Ireland, he took an excellent man cook over with him, but they had not been there above a month, than, finding his grace kept a very scurvy house, he gave him warning. ' What's the reason,' said the duke, ■ that you have a mind to leave me V — ' Why, if I continue with your excellency much longer/ answered the cook, ' I shall quite for- get my trade.' 78 J.h. Mil i.i R, it Joe Miller going one day along the Strand, an impudent Derby captain came up to him, and thrust between him and the wall. 1 I don't D - the wall,' said he, * to every i napes.' — ' l>ut I do,' said Joe, and so made way for him. '270. — \ (i ur\i\ officer in the Guards telling one it, in company with .loe Miller, of several won- il things be had seen abroad, among the rest he told the company, he had seen a pike caught that mx feet long. 'That's a trifle,' said Joe, 'I have seen a half pike, in Kngland, longer by a foot, and yet not worth two-pence. ' 871. — A i.iMiiMiN having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call him the king of fools. ' I wish,' said the fellow one day, ■ you could make your words good, I should then be the greatest mo- narch in the world.' A i iwter being sick, made his last will, ami gave all his estate to fools and madmen: being I the reason for so doing ; ' From such,' said he, ' I had it, and to such I give it again.' iiiikf being brought to Tyburn to be executed, the ordinary of Newgate, in taking his last confession, asked him if he was not sorry for having nitted the robbery for which he was going to suffer 1 The criminal answered, ■ Yes, but that he more sorry for not having stole enough to bribe the jury.' Jf74. — \ « mi \iv poor unfortunate gentleman was so often pulled by the sleeve by the bailiffs, that he in continual apprehension of them, and going one day through Tavistock street, his coat sleeve, as along in a hurry, happened to hitch upon the iron spike of one of the rails ; where- upon he immediately turned about, in a great sur- - , and cried out, ' At whose suit, Sir ? at whose suit r JOF MILLLR. 79 27:>. — Jemmy Spiller, another of the jocose co- medians, going one day through Rag- Fair, a place where they sell second-hand goods, cheapened a leg of mutton, he saw hang up there, at a butcher's stall. The butcher told him it was a groat a pound. ' Are you not an unconscionable fellow,' said Spiller, ' to ask such a price, when one may buy a new one for that in Clare Market ' 276 — A soldier in the late wars, a little before an engagement, found a horse-shoe, and stuck it in his girdle ; shortly after, in the heat of the action, a bullet came and hit him upon that part. ■ Well/ said he, ■ I find a little armour will serve a turn, if it be but put in the ri^ht place.' 277. — A late archbishop having promised one of his chaplains, who was a favourite, the first good living in his gift, that he should like, and think worthy his acceptance : soon after hearing of the death of an old rector, whose parsonage was worth about 300/. a year, sent his chaplain to the place to see how he liked it ; the doctor, when he came back again, thanked his grace for the offer he had made him ; but said, he had met with such an account of the country, and the neighbourhood, as was not at all agreeable to him, and therefore should be glad, if his grace pleased, to wait till something else fell : another vacancy not long after happening, the arch- bishop sent him also to view that ; but he returned as before, not satisfied with it, which did not much please his grace : a third living much belter than either of the other becoming vacant, as he was told, the chaplain was again sent to take a view of that ; and when he came back, l Well, now,' said my lord, 1 how do you like this living 1 What objection can you have to this V — ' I like the country very well, my lord,' answered he, ■ and the house, the income, and the neighbourhood, but .' ' But f re- plied the archbishop, • what&ut can ihere be then V Ml» MM MR. '. mv lord,' said lie, ■ the old Incumbent is not 1 found him smoking his pipe at the gate of Ins bo city ladies meeting at a visit, one a groc< id the other a cheesemonger's (who food more upon the punctilio of precedence, than some of their betters would have done at the court end of the town), when they had risen up and took their leaves, the cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the grocer's lady, pulli k by the tail of her gown, and step- before her, ' No, Madam,' said she, * nothing es after cheese.' 279. — You mo Griffith Lloyd of the county or Car«: g sent to Jesus-College in the Univer- sity of Oxford, where be was looked upon as an er- rant dunce, had ■ calf-skin waistcoat, tann'd with the hair on, and trimm'd with a broad gold-lace, and gold buttons. One of the Oxonians, an eminent punster, said, that Griffith was like a dull book, bound in ealf-skin and gilt, but very ill lettered. 280. — The famous Tony Lee, a player in king Charles the Second's reign, being killed in a tragedy, having a violent cold, could not forbear coughing as he lay dead upon the stage, which occasioning a Rood deal of laughing and noise in the house, he lifted op his head, and speaking to the audience, 1 This makes rood what my poor mother used to tell me ; for she would often say that I should I used to think in mi/ Por- in such good humour, that '■lap, and made every one lily pardon the solecism he had before com- imtt 281.— Tom 8 , the organist of St. M , being reckoned to have s fine finger, drew many peo- ple to h'-ar him, whom he would oftentimes entertain with a voluntary after evening service, and his au- JOE MILLER. 81 ditory seeming one day greatly delighted with his performance, after the church was cleared, ' Adad, Sir/ said his organ-blower, ' I think we did rarely to day.' — 'We, sirrah,' said Tom. — 'Ay, we, to be sure,' answered the other : ' What would you have done without me 1 The next sunday Tom sitting down to play, could not make his organ speak, where- upon calling to the bellows-blower, asked him what he meant ? Why he did not blow ? ■ Shall it be u e then?' said the other. Which Tom was forced to consent to, or there had been no music. 282. — A cfrtais French gentleman, having been but a very little while in England, was invited to a friend's house, where a large bowl of punch was made, a liquor he had never seen before, and which did not at all agree with him ; but having forgot the name of it, he asked a person the next day, ■ What dey call a dat liqueur in England, which is all de contradiction ; where isde brandy to make it strong, and de vater to make it small, de sugre to make it sweet, andde lemons to make it sower V — ' Punch,' answered the other, ■ I suppose you mean.' — ' Ay, Ponche, begar,' cried Monsieur, ' it almost ponche my brain out last night' 283. — A Philosopher being blamed byastander- by, for defending an argument weakly against the Emperor Adrian, replied, ■ What, would you have me contend with a man that commands thirty legions of soldiers.' 284. — Bishop Latimer preaching at court, said, that it was reported the king was poor, and that they were seeking ways and means to make him rich ; but he added, ■ For my part, I think the best way to make the king rich, is to give him a good post, or office, for all his officers are rich.' 285. — Zelim, the first of the Ottoman emperors that shaved his beard, his predecessors having always worn it long, being asked by one of his bashaws, E 2 USi m i i i I i;. wli\ he altered the custom of bis predecessors! an- mi btshawa shall not load me by yOU did them.' li being told Antigonus, in order to intimi- liim, as he inarched to the field of battle, that the enemy would shoot such volleys of arrows as would intercept the light of the sun : 'lam glad of it,' replied he, ' for it being very hot, we shall then fight in the shade.' VB7. — An Irish gentleman gave orders for a pair of boots ; and when his measure was taken, he ob- served to the boot-maker, that as one of his legs was bigger than the other, the boots must be made ac- lingly; when they were brought home he put the big boot on the small leg, and after trying in vain the small boot on the big leg, he exclaimed, ' Oh, you thief of the world, 1 ordered you to make one boot bigger than the other, and instead of this you have made one smaller than tfte other.' 288. — Sm John Stuart Hamilton, a man of grea pleasantry, was colonel of the carabineer regiment, composed of his countrymen, in the German war; and one morning, when the allied troops were drawn out against the enemy in order of battle, the carabi- iwith some other cavalry corps were posted upon the right wing, opposite to a strong body of French l( a considerable distance upon the enemy's left The commanders of the corps associated with those of Sir John, advanced in the front of their re- nts, were haranguing their men to conciliate all their officers, and exhorting them to valour, and strict discipline, for the honour of their country in the approaching engagement. When they had finished their speeches, Sir John i in the front of his own regiment, and ad them with, 'Good-morrow, my lads, how stand your stomachs for fighting this morning?' — 1 Keen enough, colonel,' answered several of the JOE MILLER. 83 brave fellows. — 4 Then I can tell you, my lads, for your comfort, that you'll have a belly-full of it before night. But hark ye ! I see it is the fashion to make fine speeches here ; I think few words amongst friends are best. Do you see them fellows yonder V point- ing to the French cavalry. — ' We do,' answered the soldiers. — ' Then,' said the commander, ' I have only to tell you, that if you don't kill them, they '11 kill you : so a word to the wise is enough.' The gallant regiment took the hint, and covered themselves with glory during the action. 289. — Sir John, who had severely suffered in person and circumstances from the persecutions of the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a hedge-hog, for it was impossible to touch him any where without pricking one's fin. '290. — The same witty baronet, lounging one day in Dalby's chocolate-house, when, after a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain : a country gen- tleman observed, ' This is a most delightful rain ; I hope it will bring up every thing out of the ground/ — ' By Jove, Sir,' said Sir John, ' I hope not ; for I have sowed three wives in it, and I should be very sorry to see them come up again.' 291- — Sir John being balloted on an election committee, was a good deal embarrassed, sitting day after day, without any prospect of a termination, as the counsel on both sides wrangled upon every tittle of the evidence, and disputed upon points of law that were continually arising. At length the baronet addressed the counsel, ' Gentlemen, I've got such a dose of law that I am completely surfeited. Can't you go through the evidence, and reserve those law points for some wet day, when we may hear you argue them fairly.' — ' For the honour of the profes- sion,' answered Counseller Hockett, 'God forlid, Sir John, that there was any point could arise on which the lawyers would not agree in opinion.' 84 Mil I IK A i ai»y observing in company, how glo- rious ami ttteful I body the sun was, — ' Why, yes, mtda iu Irish gentleman present, 4 the sun fine body, to be sure , but, in my opinion, tlu- moon is much more useful ; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we really want it; •re have the sun with us in the day-time, when we have no occasion for it.' hii.y alter the last memorable victory of Lord Rodney, on the Itth of April, 178*. the fol- lowing British bulls in a London newspaper, excited considerable mirth amongst the wags in Ireland, who observed, that although the English are great bun- glers in making bulls for Irishmen, they are some- - good hands at making blunders of their own. The Yille de Paris, of 110 guns, taken in Lord Rodney's engagement with the French, on the l L 2ih \pril, and lost in coming home from the West Indies, is to be rebuilt at Chatham, and the Fou- droyant, of 80 guns, broken up last year, is to be rebuilt at Plymouth, in order to perpetuate their Kami 294. — A judge, on passing sentence of death upon . an Irishman, said as usual, ' 1 have nothing now to :t to pass the dreadful sentence of the law upon .'— * Oh, don't trouble yourself on my account,' rupted Pat. — ' I must do my duty,' resumed the • You must go from hence to the place of ;(ion, where you are to be hanged by your neck till you are dead ; and the Lord have mercy on your soul!'—' I am much obliged to you,' says the pri- soner, ■ but I ni 1 of any one thrivuig after ■ is.' officer, after having read the ac- coui rebel thief lat I read the gipsies as man) I me.' JOE MILLER. 85 '296. — A QrAKFit, that was a barber, being sued by the parson for tithes, Yea and Nay went to him, and demanded the reason why he troubled him, as he had never any dealing with him in his whole life ; 1 Why,' says the parson, * it is for tithes.' — ■ For tithes,' says the quaker, ■ I pr'ythee friend upon what account?' — ' Why,' says the parson, • for preaching in the church.' — ' Alas, then,' replied the quaker, 'I have nothing to pay thee ; for I come not there-' — 1 Oh, b.ut you might,' says the parson, ' for the doors are always open at convenient times ;' and thereupon said he would be paid, seeing it was his due. Yea and Nay hereupon shook his head, and making se- veral wry faces, departed, and immediately entered his action (it being a corporation town) against the parson for forty shillings. The parson, upon notice of this, came to him, and very hotly demanded, why he put such disgrace upon him ; and for what he owed him the money ! ' Truly, friend,' replied the quaker, ' for trimming.' — ' For trimming?' said the parson, ■ why I was never trimmed by you in my life.' — ' Oh ! but thou mightest have come and been trimmed, if thou hadst pleased, for my doors are al- ways open at convenient times, as well as thine.' 297. — Specimen of Cockney diction, transcribed from the original, stuck up in a window on Ludgate Hill, in 1789 : ' To be seen hear, the 20 third of this month, the King, and his Crown, and Dig Nighty, in a perces- sion to Sint Pals' Church. — Front Parlore, 9s. Gd. di . ng rome, 5s. two pare stares, 4s. garret, Is. gut- te , 6d. N. B. I vont heve no more nor ten in the gutter, nor no money returned in case as how it rains.' 298. — Sir Toby Butler the famed Irish barrister, once invited Sir Charles Coote to dinner ; he knew that his guest valued himself on a long list of ances- try, in which Sir Toby could have rivalled him if he 06 MILLER. hail not prised himself on his own merit. At dinnei I ohy Uted to cry OUt, * 1*11 mv cousin Pit the butler, tell my cousin Oonah the cook, t"ll my cou- ,, such and such a thing.' — 1 What,' said Sir Charles, in a degree of surprise, ' 1 find that all your servants are your relations.' — • To be sure.' said the knight, ' i> it not more praisewor- thy to retain my own relations for servants than to keep you i DocTon KnnvAN, the celebrated Irish cbe- . having one day at dinner with him a paity of friends, was descanting upon the antiseptic qualities of charcoal, and added, that it" a quantity of pulve* I charcoal were boiled together with tainted meat, it would remove all symptoms of putrescence, and render it perfectly tweet Shortly afterwards, the doctor helped a gentleman to a slice of boiled leg of mutton, which was so far advanced in the haut-gout as to shed an odour not very agreeable to the noses of the company. The gentleman repeatedly turned it upon ins plate, without venturing to taste it; and the doctor observing him said, ' Sir, perhaps you don't like mutton V — ' O yes, doctor,' he replied, ' I am very fond of mutton, but I do not think the cook has boiled charcoal enough with it.' 300.— !)(.< mi! [a cas, the celebrated Irish patriot, i very sharp contest, carried the elec- tion tive in parliament for the city of Dublin, was met, a few days alter, by a lady whose whole family were ver) warm in the interest of the nididate; ' Well, doctor,' said she, Bed the election.' — ' Yes, ma- • No wonder, lir, nil the blackguards voted .ou.' — ' No, madam, your nto sons did not,' re- turned the doctor. a, eminent for his good hu- mour and pleasantry, was invited to dine on a Friday with a Catholic friend, and the table was as usual JOF. MILLER. 87 on that day, covered exclusively with fish. Gaynor, who was particularly fond of haddock, seated himself near a very large one, but soon received intelligence, through the medium of his nose, that it was not too fresh. He put down his mouth to the head of the fish, and anon returned his ear to the same place, as if he was conversing with it. The lady of the house asked him what he wished, or was there any thing particular? ' Nothing, madam,' said he, * but I was asking this haddock if he knew any thing of my poor friend, Captain Murphy, who was drowned off the harbour last Monday ■, but he tells me, that he knows nothing of the matter, for he has'nt been to sea these three uetks.' 302. — Dr. O'Connor, in his History of Poland, says, that the Irish are long-lived ; that some of them attain to the age of a hundred : ' In short,' adds the doctor, ' they live as long as they can.' 303. — Loro Tyrawley, a little before his death, was visited by several Englishmen, who came under a pretence of friendly inquiries after his health, but in reality to see if he was dying, that they might apply for his employments. The old general, seeing clearly their motives, said to some of them, ' Gen- tlemen, I know well your reasons for being so soli- citous after my health. I have but two things worth having, my regiment and my girl, neither of which will fall to your lot ; I'll tell you how they will be disposed of ; a Scotchman will get the one, and an Irishman the other.' 304. — Deaf, giddy, helpless, left alone, To all my friends a burthen grown, No more I hear my church's bell, Than if it rang out for my knell ; At thunder now no more 1 start, Than at the rumbling of a cart : Nay, what 's incredible, alack ! I hardly hear a woman's clack. 88 one day leaning over Fter a tremendom storm on the r. ' You ha?e bid a blustering ni^ht of it,' said he, to an Irish sailor, who stood near him, ' but after a storm comes a calm.' — 4 By my sowl, and so it ought, 1 says Tat, ' for the winds and waves had a hard night's bout of it, and it's time for thein to rest themselves.' -An Irishman, speaking of the rapacity of the clergy in exacting their tithes, said, ' By Jasus, I farmer be ever so poor, they won't fail to make him pay their full tenths, whether he can or not ; nay, they would instead of a tenth take a twentieth, if the law permitted them.' -Mh. St. Lioe*, the father of the gallant general, was a very strong man, but remarkably fop- pish in hi < >ne morning, walking along in his red slippers, he was passing by a mud cart, when the scavenger called out jeeringly, ■ Smoke Mr. Red- heels !' Mr. St. Leger went up to him, and, taking hold of him by the waistband of his breeches, flung him into the cart, and then walked on with the great- est cooln» 308. the late siege of Gibraltar, in the absence of the fleet, and when an attack was daily expected, one dark night, a sentinel, whose post was near a tower facing the Spanish lines, was standing at the end of his walk, whistling ; looking towards them, his head filled with nothing but fire and sword, mint .ng, storming, and bloodshed ! By the side of tho box stood a deep narrow-necked earthen jug, in which was the remainder of his sup- per, monkey, ■ are plenty at the top of the rock), ( , and allured by the smell of the pease, ventured to the jug; and, in en- ouring to -_ ntents, thrust his neck so far into the jug, as to be unable to withdraw it. JOE MILLER. 89 At this instant, the soldier approaching, the monkey started up to escape, with the jug on his head. This terrible monster no sooner saluted the eyes of the sentry, than his frantic imagination converted poor pug into a fine blood-thirsty Spanish grenadier, with a most tremendous cap on his head. Full of this dread- ful idea, he instantly fired his piece, roaring out that the enemy had scaled the walls. The guards took the alarm ; the drums were beat ; signal-guns fired : and in less than ten minutes, the governor and his whole garrison were underarms. The supposed gre- nadier, being very much incommoded by his cap, and almost blinded by the pease, was soon overtaken and seized ; and by this capture, the tranquillity of the garrison was soon restored, without that slaughter and bloodshed which every man had prognosticated in the beginning of this direful alarm. 309. — Daniel Purcell, who was an Hibernian and a nonjuror, was telling a friend, when King George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of him: 'Then,' said his friend, 'you know him by sight.' — ■ Yes,' replied Daniel, ■ I think I know him, but I can't swear to him.' 310. — An Irish sailor having fallen from the mizen-top of one of our ships, was supposed by every one on the quarter-deck, to have been killed by the fall : the poor fellow, however, got up, apparently but little hurt. The first lieutenant, who was near him, inquired where he came from. ■ Please your ho- nour,' replied Paddy, all the while rubbing his arm, I I came from the north of Ireland.' 311. — Blind Peter, the Dublin shoe-black, was one day summoned as a witness in a case of murder, before the criminal court, and was, as usual, primed with whiskey. One of his companions had mortally wounded a carman with his spud, or scraping knife, and Peter attended as a witness for the prisoner. After a description of the circumstances which led to 90 Mill 1 K. tin- catastrophe, in a style of phraseology perfectly unintelligible to the court, Karon Dawson observed, 'This %v itn<* >s ia quite beyond my understanding , fellow, be more explicit, and tell us what you rered, ' Blur an ounds, my lord, sure I'm not obliged to find you evidence and under- ling too, and if your lardship does'nt know de , dat's not my fault.' mid the best way to manage the witness uas to bid him tell his own story, in the plainest way he could, and Peter proceeded : — ' Well den, please your lordship, my gossup at de bar was challenged by de carman to sky de coppers for a pint of de stuff ; and so dey pulled out their fn//>s, and tossed up for the best in tree. Music, says de carman, moss 'ids, says my gossup, and he won. You flushed detn, by de hokey, says the car- man.— You lie, by G — , said my gossup. So w id dat, my lord, dey agreed to edge de make at a motty ; but dere de carman had no change, for my gossup bed de tpud so tight every pitch, dat if it was butter he'd ha' stuck in it. So upon dat, your ho- nour, de carman miffed and began to be snotty. Your soul to de ^ullic j , says my gossup, what d'ye mean It you have a mind for a raw, peel yourself, ■w 11 see it out in a genteel way My gossup is bit of fie lb, my lord, as ever nipp*d de weed. And so upon dat de carman did'nt do de decent ting ; for while my gossup wt&btanehinghii bacon, and just taking off hi> //o'< bag, what does de caiman do, my lord, but he gave him a dub with his daddle, upon de suottri -hoi , and brought d<- claret about his mug. lilue blazes to your soul, you bloody tief, said I, I not fair; — you struck de man in his own shop: p had his foot in de basket all de whil( I dat, my lord, he struck him again ; and up up wid his chir, and swore he'd give him guts for garters ; but I dun'na how it hap- JOE MILLER. 91 pened dat de carman fell agen him, and somehow or other, my gossup greased the chir m his tripes.* The judge, who was not the mildest man in the woild, said to the witness, ■ Get down, you ruffian, there is no understanding your jargon.' Peter with great gravity, replied, ■ Oh, by Jasus, since dat's de case I'm off; but I'll call to-morrow when you're sober, may be you'd be civiller den.' Perhaps a glossary to the evidence may be as ne- cessary to the reader, as it was to the judge. To sky de coppers, means to toss up halfpence ; louse traps, their combs used in tossing. Music, signifies harps (the impression on Irish halfpence) ; mazzards, head. Edging de makes at a m t >tty, means pitching halfpence at a particular stone, and he that pitched nearest was the winner. Stuff, means whiskey ; miffed, means got angry : and snotty, means saucy. Ripping deweed, implies chewing tobacco. Peeling, or blanching his bacon, means stripping naked. Dub with his daddle upon the snotter-boi and bringing the claret about his mug, means a stroke with his fist that produced a bloody nose ; and the chir, is the short scraping knife used* by the shoe-blacks. With these illustrations the testimony of Peter may per- haps be somewhat more intelligible to the English reader. 312. — A poor physician, half doctor, half play- wright, who from all his exertions in the services of Hippocrates and Thespis, could scarcely keep life and soul together, was one morning posting to break- fast with a patron, in his threadbare sables ; but had on a pair of new white silk stockings, fie stopped by the way to have his crab shells japanned, i. e. his shoes blacked, by the redoubtable Peter ; and when the job was finished, he tendered the operator half-a-crown to receive the difference. Peter wanted to leave him in care of his shop, while he went in search of change. The doctor could not wait, not 92 JoF. MILLER, would he trust bim with the coin. Peter would not give credit, ami the doctor must not depart without ing for his services. The doctor, exasperated, i ml > ( \utnd relied the operator most furiously. r replied in pointed slang. At length, however, finding the halfpenny was not forthcoming, he n ' Well, if I am to give credit, let me finish the job decently ; put your honour's feet togeder dat I may give de finishing touch;' which, being done, Peter with his polishing tool repeatedly slapped the doctor across both knees. The doctor became outrageous, struck the operator several times with his cane about the head, and then darted off in a fury. Some per- sons in the crowd now collected asked Peter if he knew his customer : ■ Aye,' says Peter, ' he is only a lousy glister pipe, a mere foot soldier in the sei-vice of death. .—During the rebellion of 1798, while the regiment of ancient Britons were gallantly carrying the terrors of fire and sword through the Wicklow and Wexford mountains, under the command of Lieut.-Colonel Wardle, their commander-in-chief, Sir W. W. Wynne, was detained at Dublin, by a slight wound in the hand, which, however, did not ent him from walking about the streets daily, with his arm in a crape sling; while his iron shod boots, and his trailing scimitar, raised such a clatter on the pavement, as could not fail to impress the rabble with the terrors of his warlike presence. 1 ing one day by the laboratory of Black Dick, who succeeded Blind Peter, the shoe-black, the artist iys to his master, ' I believe dat's de lev call Sir Watkin Win, of the Welsh horse.' 4 Well, and what of that V answered Dick. ■ Noting,' the deputy, * only dey say he's a great hero ; but I don't tink he looks much like one.' — ' Vunr ioul to the gallice !' rejoined Dick, ' Do you want a goose to look like an eagle V JOE MILLER. 93 314. — Lord Chancellor Clare, who seemed anxious to banish from his appearance in the streets all sem- blance of his rank, usually walked from his house, whether to the courts, or to the House of Lords, in his boots, a jockey frock, and a brown bob-wig, and was, as the phrase is, ' up to all the cants of the mob.' One day he arrived in the House of Lords to take the woolsack, and was wigged, robed, and in his place, long before any of the peers attended, or even the servants of the house expected his presence. He repeatedly called for the deputy BUich Rod, an old Milesian named Bryant Connor, who was just then so engaged that he could not conveniently attend his lordship ; but some minutes after arrived, when Lord Clare, in his jocular way, says to him, ■ Why, Connor, you o\d dust, I've been calling you this half- hour ; what's the reason you don't attend the call of the house V — ■ Because, my Lord,' answered Connor, 1 1 was engaged in attending the calls of Natkur.' 315. — It was one of the prominent complaints against Lord Clare, in his elevation to the seals, that he carried his political antipathies with him even to the Equity Bench, and those barristers who were members of parliament, and had opposed the noble lord in his politics while Attorney-General, usually received his marked discountenance in the Court of Chancery. Mr. Ponsonby, Mr. Curran, Mr. Egan, Mr. Fox, and several others, experienced those marks of antipathy in a way highly injurious to their pro- fessional pursuits, and have more than once thrown down their briefs, and quitted the court with marks of disgust and resentment ; while a junior barrister, a nephew of the noble lord, without talents or popu- larity, was distinguished by his marked attention, as if with a view to throw grist into his empty bag. The noble lord had a favourite companion, a large Newfoundland dog, which not only accompanied him through the streets, but generally sat wi»h him on 94 MM. ER. the Chan< . One day while that celebrated • I . Mr. Outran, was addressing his lordship in loqueat speech, Lord Clare, with marked inat- tention and noii-i'hdltincc, continued playing with his . and fondly patting him on the back. Mr. an, who bad observed this for a considerable time with patience, at length made a full pause. The Chancellor missing the barrister's voice, sud- denly turned, and said, * Are you done, Mr. Curran?' Mr. Curran resumed, and addressing the peer and his canine colleague, answered, ' No, my Lords, I thought your Lordshipt were in consultation, and I unwilling to interrupt your Lordships. But now, my Lords, it \our Lordships are disposed to attend, 1 shall proceed. Then, may it please your Lord- ships, as I was proceeding to observe — ' The Chan- cellor felt the hit, beat down his dog, laughed heartily, apologized for his inattention, and requested Mr. Curran to proceed with his argument. .Si 6 — The late Father O'Leary, of witty celebrity, had once a pamphleteering war of polemics with the protestant bishop of Cloyne, in which the prelate in- veighed with great acrimony against the superstitions of popery, and particularly against the doctrine of purgatory. Father O'Leary, in his reply, slily ob- served, ' that much as the bishop disliked purgatory, be ii i)l y go much farther, and fare worse.' I iish gentleman, being asked some time < , what brought him to London, he answered, that became to see the invisibU girl, Mr. Forbes, one of the whig mem* of the [rith Parliament, and afterwards gover- nor of the Bahama Islands, was a remarkably tall lank man and a very facetious companion. lie was invited one day to dine with a convivial party, of which honest Tom Edwards, the witty surgeon, was to make one. While the company were waiting in the drawing-room for the arrival of Mr Fo bes, Ed- JOE KILLBft. 95 wards was leaning out of the window ; some carpen- ters passing under it at the moment, with a long wooden rain-spout payed over with pitch — Edwards suddenly started, and turned to the company, ex- claiming, 4 God bless my soul ! poor fellow ! I never heard a word of his death.* — ' Whose death ?' asked several of the company. — ' Aye,' said Edwards, with a heavy sigh, ' poor Forbes, for whom we are waiting/ — 4 Dead !' says one ; * Forbes dead V says another. — ' Xo,' says a third, ' I saw him yesterday.' — ■ Oh ! if you doubt my words,' said Edwards, ■ I suppose you'll believe your own eyes. — Look out of the win- dow, and you'll see his coffin going by :' pointing to the spout on the carpenters' shoulders. 319.— The veteran counsellor Caldbeck, one day cross-examining a country fellow, as a witness, asked him in several ways, what he thought a particular person to be, from his own knowledge, hearsay, or belief; but could extract no other answer than that, 4 he did not know, and could not tell.' — ' Come fellow/ said the counsellor, ' answer me on your oath : what would you take me to be, if you did not actually know my person, and should meet me in the street]' — ' Why then,' says the fellow, ■ since you ask me, I will tell you, Sir. — By vartue of my oath, if you had not that wig and gown upon you, I should take you fora/iif/ j outd pedlar:' (a palpable hit). The learned counsellor was silenced. 310. — As an Irishman was crossing the horse- road in Fleet Street, a one-horse chaise came very near him. when the driver bid him take care, when Paddy exclaimed, ' By Jasus, if you run over me, I'll knock you down.' SSI. — Robert Laing, a farmer of very eccentric habits in the north of England, staying some time at an inn at Leicester, run up a bill that he was un- able to pay, and was in consequence rather harshlv treated by the landlord, who swore, that if he did 96 jo i M1LLEE. not clear the whole by the next fair Jay he would sell his bo charge it. When the day came, and Master Boniface was preparing to put his threat in execution, Laing petitioned for a few hours grace, and >ole use of one of the stables ; which being granted, he sent the town-crier into the most public parts of the town, to proclaim, that at such an inn, there was just arrived a wonderful and miraculous horse, which to be seen by all curious persons for sixpence a <•, with his head where his tail should be. So attractive an advertisement drew an amazing crowd of persons, who, on paying their fee, and being shewn into the stable, found poor Ilosinante with his tail tied to the manger. This each of them thought too good a jest to be enjoyed singly, and not wishing to be laughed at, blazoned the marvellous horse in such glowing colours, that the fellow, who stood at the door, received money enough to have bought the fee simple of the stable. -The wit and pleasantry of the late Mark Supple are fresh in the memory of his numerous ac- quaintance, and well known to all the curious and eccentric circles of Westminster within the last twenty years. He was an able and eminent reporter of the debates in Parliament, and acquitted his du- ties in that department with singular excellence, even when tipsey, during the whole of a debate. Attend- ing in a crowded gallery one evening, when an im- portant question was to come on, and the house ex- •,ly full on both sides, Mi. Pitt, and the whole of the ministerial phalanx were in their places ; Mr. Addinjjton in the chair, maintaining, with solemn gra- vity, the dignity of his office, and the whole assembly mute as mummies in a catacomb, the house had all the appearance of a Quakers' meeting. Supple, tipsey as 1 1, gravely took his pinch of snuff, and broke in upon the silence of the house with an address to the chair : — ' Mr. Speaker! — hiccup — I'll be very much obliged JOE MILLER. 97 if you'll be so good as to give us a song.' The Speaker was quite electrified. Mr. Pitt burst into a loud and immoderate fit of laughter, and several other members, after many fruitless endeavours to preserve their gravity, followed his example. The Speaker called out, ' Serjeant at arms, do your duty, and bring that person to the bar.' Tn an instant the serjeant flew to the gallery, and, with all the grim authority of office, inquired who was the man that presumed to insult the house. Nobody would peach ; but the serjeant was, by some silent finger, directed to Supple, upon whom the serjeant imme- diately seized. Supple, with great coolness, said, 1 My dear fellow, you're quite mistaken ; that sly, drab coloured gentleman (pointing to a quaker seated in the front row, behind the clock) is the man who called for the song ; for my part, I have no taste for music.' The serjeant flew like lightning after poor Obadiah, and dragged him out of the gal- lery in spite of all remonstrances, and was only pre- vented from bringing him to the bar, by the assur- ance of a gentleman from the members' gallery, who witnessed, and laughed heartily at the joke, that the quaker was not the man. 323. — A raw young Caledonian, who had re- cently made his debut in the gallery as a reporter, and had not got his ears into hearing order, could just distinguish something about a bill brought in by Mr. Curwen, ' For the collecting of the harbour dues in the Isle of Man.' The novice who sat next Supple, asked him what that bill was called, as he could not distinctly hear, ■ Oh !' says Supple, ' it is only a Bill to prevent the harbouring of Jews in the Isle of Man.' This item appeared in the Morning Chronicle of the ensuing day, and excited no small degree of consternation amongst ■ nw peoples' in Duke's Place, who are said to have very lucrative connexions with the smugglers in the island. 98 JOE Mil 1 I !'. Lted in and nut feast ; and • lis., that tie with women hawking those frints in every qua A brace of thes< res, entering the hali of the Four Courts on that day, pressed Counsellor Shannon to buy some nuts. The counsellor answered, ' They es.' — ' They are the more your head, CoonRellor: 1 replied one of the nymphs, and j>asscd on crying her wi -A wow my alderman, captain of a volunteer corps at a field-day before Ixinl Cornwallis, ing his company to fall back, in order to dress with the line, and gave the word — ' Advance three ' march !' the protracted debates upon the subject of public scarcity in 180 J, Air. Wilberforce one night made a long and able speech, in the course of which, he recommended great encouragement to the cultivation of potatoes, as a source of cheap food for the poor. A reporter, who was desirous of being attentive to every thing which fell from that honour- able gentleman, unluckily fell asleep, and only awaked just as Mr. \\ ilberforce was concluding. Be was extremely mortified at having missed the speech, and asked a droll ■ fellow-labourer,' the well known Charles Wilson, who sat next him, to detail the |( nts of the honourable member's argu- l be other told him, with great gravity, that Mr. Wilberforce had been extremely eloquent in re- commending the culture of potatoes, that he in- igantic stature, 1 ihoulders, vigorous constitution, and comely itry, of whom he had seen nens in his walks through trden, and withal lamented and guardian! had not fed him in his early youth upon those salubrious roots, which would JOE MILLER. 99 have rendered him tall and athletic, instead of the tiny person he was. This text was quite enough for the spinner of elo- quence, who amplified these points in his next day's paper, to a speech of four columns, without a single sentence of what Mr. Wilberforce had really uttered. On the next day, being at his post, as usual, .Air. Wilberforce rose with the identical newspaper in his hand. The call of 'Privilege! Privilege!' echoed from several voices, and Mr. Wilberforce addressed the chair, by expressing his unwillingness at all times to restrain the liberty of the press, or to oppose the standing orders of the house, against that usage which had long prevailed, of detailing in the public papers what passed there in discussion ; but where a gross misrepresentation was made of the speech of a member, it ought not to pass in silence. He held in his hand a report, purporting to be a report of his own speech the preceding night, and he would ap- peal to the house, whether it contained a syllable of what he had said. (Read ! read ! echoed from all sides.) Mr. Wilberforce put on his spectacles, and proceeded to the reading, but every sentence pro- duced in the house a burst of laughter, until he came to that part where he was stated to have lamented that he had not been early fed upon potatoes, and thereby rendered tall, broad-shouldered, and athletic, instead of the tiny person he was. This threw the house into a roar of laughter, when Mr. Wilberforce himself, dismounting his spectacles, good humour- edly joined in the laugh, and said, ' Well, I protest the thing is so ludicrous, that it is hardly worth se- rious notice, and I shall pursue it no farther.' 3*7. — The humorist, whose hoax upon a brother reporter produced this incident, was well known in the literary circles, and ■ a fellow of infinite jest:' but though he was himself a person of much wit and poiutud satire, he feared foils more than Supple. 100 Joe mil i.i.k. . like all wits, be dreaded a retort, and had scarcely temper enough to sustain a palpable hi* One night, in company with Supple at a conviw" party, Supple commenced a 'galling fire' upon hiii, and after exchanging a few shot, Wilson says to Supple, ' Oli ! Mark, we all know from whence you coin your jokes, Joe Miller to wit.' — ' My dear Wil- son,' said Supple, ' Wit you may have : but the less you say about coin the better, for it's a commodity in which you seldom deal.' This was touching on the rau of poor Wilson's feelings ; and he flew out of the room, fairly vanquished without venturing a reply. 328. — A youno Munsterman, who w«is entered a midshipman on board Lord Packenham's ship, had the good fortune to escape unwounded ; and when he returned on shore at Cork was gratifying the curio- sity of his fond grandmother with a detail of the sea fight, ■ Dear me, child !' said the old lady, ' and e not the sailors all terribly frightened at the firing of the cannons and the shot flying about their heads.' 4 Frightened !' answered the young hero, ' no more than if they were throwing snow-balls at each other. 329. — Lewis XIV. asked Count Mahony, one day if he understood Italian? ' Yes, please your ma- jesty,' answered the count, 'if it was spoken in Irish.' A hi i) i.u to a capital house in Watling- street, being on a journey, was attacked a few miles beyond Winchester by a single highwayman, who, taking him by surprise, robbed him of his purse and pocket-book, containing cash and notes to a consi- derable amount. ■ Sir,' said the rider with great presence of mind, ' I have suffered you to take my property, and you are welcome to it. It is my mas- ter's, and the loss cannot do him much harm ; but as it will look very cowardly in me, to have been robbed without making any defence, I should take it kindly of you just to tire a pistol through my coat. — • With all my heart,' said the highwayman, ' where JOE MILLER. 101 will you have the ballV — * Here,' said the rider, 'just by the side of the button.' The unthinking high- wayman was as good as his word ; but the moment he fired, the rider knocked him off his horse, and, with the assistance of a traveller, who just at that time arrived, lodged the highwayman in Winchester Gaol. 331. — The late earl of S kept an Irish foot- man, and sent him one day with a present to a certain judge ; who in return sent my lord half a dozen live partridges with a letter ; the partridges fluttering in the basket upon Pat's back, as he was carrying them home, he set down the basket, and opened the lid of it to quiet them, whereon they all flew away : ■ Oh ! the devil burn ye,' said he, ■ 1 am glad you are gone.' But when he came home, and my lord had read the letter : ■ Why, Pat,' said my lord, 'I find there are half a dozen partridges in the letter.' — ' Arrah,' said Pat, ■ I am glad you have found them in the letter ; for they all flew out of the basket, and I did not know what became of them.' 332. — Counsellor Mackmahcn, had lately a client of his own country who was a sailor, and having been at sea for some time, his wife was mar- ried again in his absence, so he was resolved to pro- secute her ; and coming to advise with the counsel- lor, he told him he must have witnesses to prove that he was alive when his wife married again : ' Arrah, by my shoul, that shall be impossible,' said the other ; ' for my shipmates are all gone to sea again, upon a long voyage, and shan't return this twelvemonth.' — ' Oh then,' answered the counsellor, ■ there can be nothing done in it ; and what a pity it is that such a brave cause should be lost now, only because you cannot prove yourself to be alive.' 333 — An officer in full regimentals passing through a street in Dublin, apprehensive lest he should come in contact with a chimney-sweep that \in JOB MILLKR. wards him, exclaimed, * Hold off, you • You were as black as me before you boiled, 1 cried sooty. A young man having asked an Hibernian Who was looked up to as zscholard, what was meant by the posthumous works of such a writer? ' Why,' said the other, ' posthumous works are those books which a man writes after lie is dead** -On a benefit night at the Dublin theatre, many particular friends of the actor were let in at a private door, before the great doors were opened, which when discovered, a gentleman cried out, in a ion, ' It is a shame they should till the house full of people, before any body comes !' An Irish officer in Minorca was found by a tleman who came to visit him in a morning a lit- tle ruffled, and being asked the reason, he replied he had lost a pair of fine black silk stockings out of his room, that cost eighteen shillings ; but he hoped he should get them again, for he had ordered them to be cried, with a reward of half-a-crown to the person who brought them. His friend observing that this too poor a recompense for such a pair of silk stockings: 4 Pooh man,' replied he, 'I directed the iy they were worsted* 1 —Admiral Thompson, when a midshipman, i '1 under the celebrated admiral, then commo- dore, just such a dashing fellow irane. He used to tell a m\ of an Hibernian tar on board his ship, who landed with a party of volunteers to surprise a tch fort, upon one of their islands in the West some hours before day- in a wood at a short , while the officer who led loitred the , of grog before he landed! sat down and fell asleep behind some brush- joe mil: . 103 wood ; but the enemy having been apprized of the landing of the party, were advancing in force from the next village, with fifes and drums, towards the fcach, which taught the officers of the British to Lurry their men on board their boats, and return to the squadron ; but in the hurry of this retreat Pat was left behind. Having finished his nap by about six in the morning, when the day began to dawn, Pat, remembering the purpose for which he had landed, and missing his companions, without dream- ing of their retreat, advanced towards the French fort, which was only manned by a few soldiers, and the greater part of them were asleep in theii guard house. He scaled the wall, killed the first man he met with his cutlass, hauled down the French flag, and then run round the rampart, cheering most vociferously, with a pistol in one hand and his cutlass in the other. The officer of the enemy's guard, thinking the place was surprised by a strong force, readily surrendered hi> sword, and entreated mercy for his men, not more than a dozen in number; whom Pat, like a generous conqueror, permitted to retreat by the postern, with their lives, to the next village, about five miles' dis- tance, where the main force was quartered ; and having secured the gate, his next care was to over- haul the signal flags, where he had the good fortune to find a British ensign, which he immediately hoisted at the flag- staff, and stood by it cheering most voci- ferously, and flourishing his hat aloft, in hopes of attracting the notice of his commander, whose ships lay just out of gunshot in sight of the fort. The commodore, seeing the British flag fluttering over the French bastion, at first supposed it to be a decoy ; but some of Pat's shipmates recognised him through their glasses, and the boats were instantiy manned, and a strong party sent on shore, under the officer who had before commanded. Pat, overjoyed at their arrival, cheered still more loudly, and bid 04 Jot HILLBB. thtin como round to the gate, whore the draw-bridgt Lown, and lie would give them admittance. He shortly detailed his operation ; but the officer, seeing there was no time to be lost, spiked all the guns, and laid a train to the magazine, and immedi- ately proceeded to his boats, having fired the train, and blown up the place. When Pat came on board, he was taken to task by the commodore for having deserted his party when on shore, and threatened to be put in irons for disobedience of orders. 'Oh! by Jasus, your ho- nour,' says Pat, ' if that is all the thanks I'm to get, only forgive me this time, and I'll never take any more French forts as long as I live again.' The commodore, highly diverted with his vindica- tion and promise of amendment, dubbed Pat a post- boatswain upon the spot, and made him a present of twenty guineas. — — ■" 338. — Swift's Stella, who was an Irish lady, be- ing extremely ill, her physician said, ' Madam, you are certainly near the bottom of the hill, but we shall endeavour to get you up again.' She replied, 4 Doctor, I am afraid I shall be out of breath before I get to the top again.' 1 in;} i fishermen in a smack from Baldryle, near Dublin, had proceeded some distance to sea op a professional trip, but were surprised by a dreadfu. ii, and blown some eighty leagues to the south- I. Completely out of their latitude, wet, hun- and exhausted, and without any compass or t on board, which even if they had, they would not know how to use, they fell in with an outward- 1 Judiaman, which, the weather being more calm, they approached and hailed. * Whither are Wound, a-hoy V — ' To Bengal,' was the answer. — ' That's our own country,' answered the hailing fisherman, ' and we are bound there too, our pro- visions are all out, can you give us any V The cap- JOE MILLER. 105 tain of the Indiaman rather surprised at their project of a voyage to Bengal in so small a vessel, bid them come alongside, and ordered them a tierce of pork, some bags of biscuit, and a keg of rum, and bid them fall into his wake, for the convenience of more easily sailing, as long as they could keep up. The poor fellows, thankful for his assistance, obeyed his in- structions, and after sailing two days and nights, and wondering they had not come to their destined port, hailed again, and demanded how long the voyage was to last ; they were astonished with the answer, * Perhaps five months with fair winds.' — ' Five months!' exclaimed the other, ' why Idur-an-ounds, we'd fetch it ourselves in eight- and- forty hours, if we knew which way to steer.' — ' Shiver my timbers !' roared the boatswain, ' then you must be Lapland witches.' However, this led to an explanation from the three adventurers that Fingal and not Bengal was the place of their destination, from which they were then about five days' sail. The captain pitying their situation, threw them a chart and a small com- pass, directing them to steer a north-east course. He might as well have thrown them a pot-lid, for the poor fellows knew nothing of charts and compasses, having studied all their navigation within their na- tive latitude, and rarely quit sight of the land. They however, contrived with a strong iron spike to nail the compass to their mast, and taking the sun for their compass, they kept as nearly as they could in the given direction, and by the favour of a brisk and favourable breeze which sprung up, reached their homes in about four days, to the great joy of their sorrowing friends and neighbours who had given them up for lost. 340. — An Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught him there again, he'd lock him up in the ice-house, and warm his jacket. F 2 106 JOB MILLER. ei in Ireland, a witness was asked, whether, on a former occasion, lie had not given a different account of the transaction? He admitted the fact, but said that he was then hum* ■_• (I in the business. ■ Humbugged!* replied the tel, impatiently, ' 1 do not understand the phrase.' — 'J thought,' rejoined the witness, 'that, every body understood it : but to explain it by a fa- miliar instance— If I were to tell the noble lord on the bench, or the gentlemen who are sworn to try this cause, that you were an able counsel, that would be to humbug both judge and jury V — A Scotchman giving evidence at the bar of the Mouse of Lords, in the affair of Captain Porteus, and telling of the variety of shots which were fired upon that unhappy occasion, was asked by the Duke 01 Newcastle, what kind of shot it was? 'Why,' said the man, in bis broad dialect, ' sic as they shoot fools (fowls) wi', an' the like.' — 'What kind of fools V asked the duke, smiling at the word. — * Why, my lord, dukes (ducks), and sic kin o' fools.' ;>!.'}. — An Irish gentleman was relating in com- pany that he saw a terrible wind the other night. id a wind!' said another, 'I never heard of a wind being seen . But, pray, what was it like?' — e to have blown my house about my ears,' re- plied the first. -A lad of the hod ascending one day with a portion of mortar, when he had attained about the middle story a vrrung of the ladder gave way under hit foot, and he fortunately landed, after a fall of thirt , with his sitting-part upon a heap of lie was instantly surrounded by a crowd who reckoned that he was killed. Pat, how- ever, but slightly hurt, instantly jumped upon his • round the crowd, said, ' I>y St. Pa- trick, I'll howld you a gallon of porther, the tightest amongst you won't do that.' Jut M1L1 I R. 107 345. — During the mayoralty of Alderman Sir James Shaw, a tall raw-boned Irish sailor from Cork was brought before him, charged with a desperate assault upon one of the street keepers, who had taken him into custody for being riotous opposite the India House. This officer told a very formal story, that the defendant had assaulted him in the execution ot his duty, offered to mislest him, and he was very o>>- stropolous, and had struck him a violent blow on the head. 'What have you to say in your defence?' asked the grave magistrate — ' Do you believe him, my lord V said the Irishman, with a humorous look. ■ — ' I must believe him,' replied the magistrate, ' un- it -3 you can prove to the contrary ' — ' Did you ever see a double jointed man, my lord ?' pulling up the sleeve of his jacket, and exhibiting his Herculeao arm, ■ if I struck him a blow on the head,' continue 1 be, ' he'd never tell who kurted him, for devil a head he'd have on his shoulders. He might as well get a kick from one of your loidship's coach horses, as a u: hack of my fist.' — ■ Well, my good friend,' said the magistrate, who saw there was more of malice than truth in the accusation, 'you seem to be a good-hu- moured fellow, and if I dismiss you this time, will go quietly to your ship, and raise no more riots ?' — ' Oh ! 'pon honour, my lord, as quiet as a lamb ; but hark'ee, Mister Street Keeper, no more of your Hurroo Pats, if you plase.' 346. — Pat having paid London a visit for the first time on a Sunday, and seeing the ladies walking with their reticules in their hands, exclaimed, ' Ah ! by St. Patrick, the English girls I see are knowing ones ; no one, faith and troth, can pick their pockets, except they run away with their purses out of then hands.' 347 — Carolan, the celebrated Irish bard, had an insatiable fondness for whiskey, and refusing his g:s- tification, was a certain method of raiding his sat'.ie* 108 joi MILLS*. Hoidin^ for some time in the house of a parsimo. nious lady, be happened one day as he sat playing on his iiarp, to hear O'Flin the butler unlocking the cellar door, he instantly arose, and following the man, requested a glass of his favourite beverage ; but the fellow thrust him rudely out of the cellar, declaring be would give him nothing unless he had orders from ln> mistress. The insulted and indignant bard in- stantly uttered the following bitter epigram : — • What a pity hell gates are not kept by O'Flin, So surly a dog would let nobody in.' 348. — An Irish soldier pretending dumbness, and the surgeon of the regiment, after several attempts to restore him, declaring him incurable, was discharged. He, a short time afterwards enlisted in another corps, and being recognized by an old comrade, and ques- tioned how he learned to speak ? ' By the powers,' replied Tervnce, ' ttu guiutas would make any man 549. — A mm mi once complaining to Mr. JefTery that himself and his brother (both of whom were deemed simpletons), had been ordered to take ass's milk, but that on account of its expensiveness, he v knew what he should do. ' Do]' cried Mr. , * why suck one auothex, to be sure/ 350. — Thi facetious MaiCUl Supple, some of whose pleasantries we have before mentioned, was one evenn ilery of the J louse of Commons, when a Caledonian gentleman, the proprietor of the morning paper for which Marcus was retained as a repor i .1 the crowded gallery with a friend from Edinburgh, whom he wished to introduce to the novelties of the British senate. The latter took standing post in Supples front with the *tem close to : if. . Marcus, tipsey as usual, addressed the (Ionian very civilly, * 111 be much obliged to you, Sir, if you'll be 60 good as to remove your muff-box, JOE MILLER. 109 as I don't much like the odour of your Edinburgh Jitwers.' The Scot iu a surly mood complained of this indignity to his inductor, who, thinking himself entitled to take a rough liberty with the wit, told him, * he thought it was vary extraordinary that he could'nt be watty without being impart' nent.' — ' Oh ! for the matter of that/ said Supple, ■ it is not more extraor- dinary than that some of my Scotch friends can be very impertinent without being witty? 351. — Sterne, so celebrated as the author of Tris- tram Shandy, and the Sentimental Journey, was of Cambridge University ; no strict priest, but, as a clergyman, not likely to hear with indifference his whole fraternity treated contemptuously. Being one day in a coffee-house, he observed a spruce powdered young fellow by the fire-side, who was speaking of the clergy, in a mass, as a body of disciplined im- postors and systematic hypocrites. Sterne got up, while the young man was haranguing, and approach- ed towards the fire, patting and coaxing all the way a favourite little dog. Coming at length towards the gentleman, he took up the dog, still continuing to pat him, and addressed the young fellow — ' Sir, this would be the prettiest little animal in the world, had he not one disorder !' — ' What disorder is that V re- plied the young fellow. ' Why, Sir,' said Sterne, 'one that always makes him bark when he sees a gentleman in black.' — ' That is a singular disorder,' replied the young fellow ; ' pray, how long has he had it?' — 'Sir,' replied Sterne, looking at him with af- fected gentleness, ' ever since he was a puppy !' 352. — A witness was called upon to testify con- cerning the reputation of another witness for veracity. ' Why,' said he, ' I hardly know what to tell you, M. sometimes jests and jokes, and then I don't believe him ; but when he undertakes to tell any thing for a fact, I believe him about as much as I do the rest of my neighbours.* 110 JOB Mlll.F.rt. wi \h, one day observing a ragamuffin-' tching liis head at the door of Mr. , , in Cambridge, where he was begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said — ' So, Jack. you are picking them out, are you?' — ' Nah,sar,' re- 1 the archin, ' 1 take* 'em as they come !' 354. — !><>i is XIV. passing through Rheims, in ; by the Mayor, who, presenting to him some bottles of wine and pears, said to him — bring to your .Majesty our wine, our peak's, and our hearts; we have nothing better.' The king tapped him on the shoulder, saying — ' Such speeches do I , it Baldwin, a gentleman of Hamp- shire, had, by Ids will, in the year 1736, ordered, that, after his decease, Ins body should be thrown into the sea beyond the Needles, which was accord- com plied with. On making inquiry into his oi this singular disposal of ins remains, it that be made it for the purpose of disappointing a young wife, who had frequently as- vay of consolation, that she would — upttn hit g r amiable Hindoo, at Bombay, being taken to a veranda overlooking the assembly-room, e a number of ladies and gentlemen were going untry dance, his conductor asked him how be liked the cheerful amusement ; the mild Indian replied'- 4 Master, I do aot quite understand this but in our caste we say, if we place butter be fire, butter will soon melt.* gentleman, who some- mind, was dining at the table of a irrounded b; n who do not always His lordship much into the marvellous, to which the inferior ' And 1 remember,' cried his when the old palace of Ely was pulled JOE MILLER. Ill down, there was a toad found under the wall, at least eight inches across the back, and twelve in length. The toad was supposed to be a hundred years old.* — * Wonderful, ' auswered the chaplains. 1 Wonderful indeed,' answered the gentleman, * for it proves that in those days there were no toad-eaters.' 338. — An Irish officer in the service of France, having importuned Lewis the Fourteenth in favour of a brother officer. The king interrupted him as he was proceeding, and exclaimed, ■ Your countrymen are very troublesome.' — ' Your Majesty's enemies say the same thing,' returned the officer ; which put his Majesty in such a good humour, that he immediately— J granted the request. 359. — An old woman received a letter from the post-office, at New York. Not knowing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents, supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read the letter to hei. He accord- ingly began and read — ■ Charleston, June f Dear mother,' then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed — ' Oh 9 'tis my poor Jerry, he a/ stuttered!' 360. — When Kleber was in Egypt, he sustained, during five hours, with only two thousand men, the united efforts of twenty thousand. He was nearly surrounded, was wounded, and had only a narrow defile by which to escape. In this extremity, he called to him a chef debattaillon, named Chevardin, for whom he had a particular regard. ' Take,' said he to him, ' a company of grenadiers, and stop the enemy at the ravine. You will be killed, but you will save your comrades.' — ' Yes, my general.' re- plied Chevardin. He gave his watch and his pocket- book to his servant, executed the order, and his death, in fact, arrested the enemy, and saved the French 112 361. — A Nocturnal Sketch. \ is come ; and from the dark Park, hark, The signal of the setting sun — one gun ! And six is sounding from the chime, prime time To go and see the Drury-Lane Dane slain, — Or hear Othello's jealous doubt spout out, — Or .Macbeth raving at that shade-made blade, Denying to his frantic clutch much touch ; — Or else to see Ducrow with wide stride ride Four horses as no other man can span ; Or, in the small Olympic Pit, sit split Laughing at laston, while you quiz his phiz. Anon Night comes, and with her wings brings things Such as, with his poetic tongue, Young sung : The gas up-blazes with its bright white light, And paralytic watchmen prowl, howl, growl, About the streets and take up Pall-Mall Sal, Who, hasting to her nightly jobs, robs fobs. Now thieves to enter for your cash, smash, crash, Pa^t drowsy Charley, in a deep sleep, creep, But frighten'd by Police 13. 3, flee, And while they're going, whisper low, * No go !' Now puss, while folks are in their beds, treads leads, And sleepers waking, grumble — ■ drat that cat !' W ho in the gutter caterwauls, squalls, mauls e feline foe, and screams in shrill ill-will. hulls of Bashan, of a prize size, rise In childish dreams, and with a roar gore poor Georgy, or Charles, or Billy, willy nilly ; — But nursemaid in a nightmare rest, chest- press'd, Dreameth of one of her old flames, James Games, And that she hears — what faith is man's — Ann's banns And his, from Reverend Mr. Rice, twice, thrice; W hite ribbons flourish, and a stout shout out, That upwards goes, shews Rose knows those bows JOE MILLER. 113 362. — When the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the Revenge, on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very unusual an attitude in an English sailor exciting his surprise and curiosity, he went and asked the man if he was afraid. ' Afraid !' answered the honest tar, ' no ! I was only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same proportion as prize-money — the greatest part among the officers.' 363. — ■ Ineeed, indeed, friend Tom,' said one citizen to another, ■ you have spoiled the look of your nag by cropping his ears so close ; what could be your reason for it?' — ■ Why, friend Turtle, I will tell you — my horse had a strange knack of being frightened, and on very trifling occasions would prick up his ears as if he had seen the devil, and so, to cure him, I cropt him.' 364. — A pedantic country schoolmaster asked a sailor what was the third and half third of ten pence. The sailor, who was illiterate, but unwilling to con- fess his ignorance, evaded giving an answer, by say- ing, that he did not choose to give that knowledge for nothing, which had cost him much trouble and expense to acquire : adding, that he could propose a much harder question than that. The pedagogue piqued at this, exclaimed — ' What is that ! — ■ Why,' said the tar, ■ if a pound of cheese costs fourpence, what will a cart load of turnips amount to/ 365. — About half a century ago, when it was more the fashion to drink ale at Oxford than at present, a humorous fellow, of punning memory, established an alehouse near the pound, and wrote over his door, * Ale sold by the pound.' As his ale was as good as his jokes, the Oxonians resorted to his house in great numbers, and sometimes stayed there beyond 1 14 JOB MILLERi tade a matter of com- I hancellor, who was desired to away his license, by one of the Proctors of the Boniface was Bummoned to attend, and when he (Mine into the Vice- Chancellor* 8 piesence, lie began hawking and spitting about the room ; this the Chancellor observed, and asked what lie meant by it ! — ' Please your worship,' said he, ' 1 came here on purpose to clear myself.' The Vice-Chan- cellor imagined that he actually weighed his ale, and sold it in that manner ; he therefore said to him — 4 They tell n.e you sell your ale by the pound ; is that true !' — ' No, an't please your worship,' replied the wit. ' Ho.vdo you then !' said the Chancellor. ' Very well, 1 thank you, Sir,' replied the wit ; ' how do you do !' The Chancellor Laughed, and said — ' Get away for a rascal, ] will say no more to you.' The fellow departed, and crossing the quadrangle, met the Proctor who laid the information ; ' Sir,' said he, ' the Vice-Chaneellor wants to speak with you ;' and returned with him. ' Here, Sir,' said he, ' here he is.' — ■ \\ ho V said the ('hancellor. ■ Why, Sir,' said he, ' you sent me for a rascal, and I have brought you the greatest that 1 know of.' —A lawyer, upon a circuit in Ireland, who the cause of an infant plaintiff", took child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, until the opposite hi atience of Millar, the bookseller, the latter acknow- edged the receipt of the last sheet in the following terms : • Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with the money for the last sheet of the copy of the Dictionary, and thanks God he has done with him/ To this uncourteous intimation, the doctor replied in this smart retort : ' Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find (as he does by his note) that Andrew Millar has the grace to thank God for any thing.' 375. — A gentleman, travelling an a journey, having a light guinea which he could not pass, gave it to his Irish servant, and desired him to pass it upon the road. At night he asked him if he had pas-ed the guinea. ■ Yes, Sir,' replied Teague, ' but I was forced to be very sly ; the people refused it at breakfast and at dinner ; so, at a turnpike, where I had fourpence to pay, I whipped it in between two halfpence, and the man put it into his pocket, and never saw it/ 376. — A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they advanced in years, and vice versa. * What a very sensible boy, Sir, must you have been !' returned the child. 377. — A lady observing Mr. Jekyll directing some letters, one of which was addressed to Mr. , So- licitor ; and another to Mr. , Attorney; inquired what was the difference between an Attorney and a Solicitor. 'Much the same, my dear madam,' re- plied the wit, ' as there is between a Crocodile and an Alligator. 1 I1M J< » i: MILLER. ;>78. n Faulkner, of Dublin, in his Journal, announced the accouchment of • her grace the Duke of Dorset.' .Next day it was thus correct- • For her grace the Duke of Dorset, read his the Ducheu of Dorset.' ening,Tom Sheridan, after sitting with his lather over a bottle, was complaining of the einpti- of his pocket. The right honourable manager told him, jocularly, to go on the highway. ' I have tried that already,' said he, * but without success.' — ' Ay ! how V replied the father. — ' Why,' resumed he, ' 1 stopped a caravan full of passengers, who ired me they had not a farthing, as they all be- longed to Drury-Lane Theatre, and could not get a penny of their salary.' :>80. — When hucy Cowper was once examined in a court of justice, one of the counsellors asked her it she came there in the character of a modest wo- i ! ■ No, Sir,' replied she, ' I do not ; that which ha^ been the ruin of me, has been the making of you — I mean impudence.' 381. — Da. Crbynb, of Bath, and a Mr. Tantley, were deemed the two fattest men in Somersetshire. When they were once sitting together after dinner, Cheyne asked the other what made him look so me- lioly? * Faith,' replied he, ' I was thinking how it will be posMble for the people to get either you or tve after we die.' — ' Why, as to me,' replied Cheyne, ■ six or eight stout fellows will do the business, but you must be taken at twice.' -A young man, boasting of his health and titutional stamina, very lately, in the hearing of the player, was asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness— 'To what, Sir? — To B good foundation, to be sure. I make a fit a great dtal every morning.' — 'Then Sir,' remarked Wewitzer, 'you usually breakfast in a timber-yard,* JOE MILLER UP 383. — A crooked gentleman, on his arrival at Bath, was asked by another, what place he had tra- velled from 1 'I came straight from London,' re- plied he. — ' Did you so V said the other, ' then you nave been terribly warped by the uou.' 384. — As a certain musician, who had a very bad voice, was singing one day, he took notice of a gen- tlewoman who fell a-crving ; when, imagining that the sweetness of his melody awaked some pa>sion in her breast, he began to sing louder, and she to weep more bitterly. He had no sooner ended the song, but going to the lady he asked her why she cried — * Oh !' said she, ' I am the unfortunate woman, whose ass the wolves devoured yesterday, and no sooner did I hear you sing, but I thought on my poor ass, for surely never were voices so much alike.' 383. — A spark being brought before a magistrate, on a charge of horse-stealing, the justice, the moment he saw him, exclaimed — 4 I see a villain in your countenance.' — ' It is the first time,' said the pri- soner, very coolly, * that I knew my countenance was a /ixi/cino--^ 386.— An evidence in a court speaking in a very harsh and loud voice, the lawyer employed on the other side, exclaimed — ' Fellow, why dost thou bark so furiously !' — ' Because,' replied the rustic, ■ 1 think I sees a thief.' 387. — A country 5i as, on a trial respecting the ..ght of a fishery, at the late Lancaster assizes, was cross-examined by Sergeant Cockel, who, among many other questions, asked the witness — ' Dost thou love fish V — » Yes,' said the poor fellow, with a look of native simplicity, ■ but I donna like Cockle sauce with it.' A roar of laughter followed, in which the Serjeant joined, with his usual good humour. 388. — There are three things which a good wife should resemble, and yet those three things she should not resemble- She should be like a town 120 JOE MILLER. clock — keep time and regularity. She should not be like a town clock— speak so loud that all the town may hear her. She should be like a snail — pru- dent, and keep within her own house. She should not be like a snail— carry all she has upon her back. She should be like an echo — speak when spoken to. should not be like an echo — determined always to have the last word. 389. — A forward young lady was walking one morning on the Steyne, at Brighton, when she en- countered a facetious friend. 4 You see, Mr. Deben- hara,' said she, ' I am come out to get a little sun and air.' — ' 1 think, madam, you had better get a little husband first,' was the reply. 390. — A captain in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth, boasted that he had left his u hole ship's company the happiest fellows in the world. ■ How so V asked his friend. ' Why 1 have just flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over ; and all the rest are happy that they have escaped.' 391. — The late Sir Samuel Hood, who died when commander-in-chief on the East India station, had a lieutenant on board, named Roby, supposed to be a natural son of his. One night, when Roby had the watch, a squall of wind split the main-top sail. Old Hood run out of his cabin in a passion, and ex- claimed — ' It is all your fault, Roby, you are the (test lubber in the British navy.' — ' Now,' said Roby, ' I believe what all the ship's company say to be true.' — ' And what do the ship's company say, thundered out the commodore. 4 Why, that I ;un the picture of you in every thing.' Hood laughed at tl i, and they were better friends than 392. — A pillow stole Lord Chatham's large gouty : his servant not finding them, began to curse the thief. 4 Never mind,' said his lordship, ■ all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may Jit him!' JOE MILLER. 121 3°\ — When Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said to his gar- dener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds — ' I im sorry, Fraser, to leave this old place.' — ' Psha, Sir,' said George, ' don't fret, when you had this old nlace, you were out of place ; now you are in place, you can get both yourself and me a better place,' The hint was taken, and old George provided for. 394. — A party who had been rather overdone 6y the potentiality of their beverage at a tavern in Leadenhall-street, staggered out of the house while the watchman was crying past three o'clock. This so much offended one of the company, that he in- sisted on the poor fellow's altering his tone, and an- nouncing it to be past eleven o'clock. The watch- man immediately complied, but being at some loss how to finish his sentence, said, ' Pray, gentlemen, what sort of weather would you choose to have V 395. — As Mr. Reynell, a man of some fortune in the neighbourhood of Edinburgh, was one day taking his ride, and being, according to his own idea, a person of no small consequence, he thought proper to shew it by riding on the footpath. Meeting a plain farmer-looking man, he ordered him imperi- ously to get out of his way. ' Sir,' said the other, ' I don't understand this : I am upon the footpath, where I certainly have a right to walk.' — ■ Do you Xnow, Sir,' said Mr. Reynell, ■ to whom you speak V +-' I do not, indeed.' — ' Sir, I am Mr. Reynell, of Edinburgh.' — ' Well, Sir, but that certainly does not entitle you to ride on the footpath, and to drive a Humble pedestrian off it.' — ' Why, Sir, I am a trustee of this road.' — ' If you are, you are a very bad one.' — ' You are a very impudent fellow — who are you, SirV — ' I am John Duke of Montague.' It is al- most unnecessary to add that the haughty Laird, after a very awkward apology, went off into the main toad. G 123 J1>E MlU.t K. Av arch boy belonging to one of the ships ;f at Portsmouth, had purchased of his play- fellows a magpie, which he earned to his father's bouse : and was at the door feeding it, when a gen- tleman in the neighbourhood, who had an impedi- ment in his speech, coming up — * T — T — T — T — Tom/ says the gentleman, 4 can your mag t — t — t — talk yet?' — * Ay, Sir,' says the boy, * better than you, or I'd wring his head o//.' -Two sporting men discoursing about a horse that had lost a race, one of them, by way of apology, observed, — ' That the cause of it was an accident, his running against a waggon ;' to which the other, who affected not to understand him, archly replied, — ' Why, what else was he fit to run against? 1 39b*. — An opulent fanner applied to an attorney about a law-suit, but was told he could not undertake it. being already engaged on the other side ; at the time he said, that he would give him a letter of mmendation to a professional friend, which he did ; and the farmer, out of curiosity, opened it, and read as follows : — ' Here are two fat wethers fallen out together, If you'll fleece one, I'll fleece the other, And make 'em agree like brother and brother.* The perusal of this epistle cured both parties, and terminated the dispute. A common councilman's lady paying her i visit at school, and inquiring what pro- had made in her education, the governess • Pretty good, madam, miss is very atten- ds any thing, it is a capacity : but for that deficiency you know we must not blame her. ' No, madam,' replied the mother, ' but I blame you for not having mentioned it before. Her father, thank God, can afford his daughter a capacity ; and I beg she may have one immediately, cost what it may. JOE MILLER. 123 400. — Mr. Loutherbourgh, the famous scene painter, had a fancy that he could cure all diseases, and accordingly prescribed liberally for his friends and others, willing to fall under his hands. A per- son of great faith applied to him for a cure for a very bad cold, and Loutherbourgh's advice was, ■ Doo you see, sare, can you like to drink bran-tea V * Brandy,' replied the patient, nothing loth to find so palatable a medicine hinted, as he imagined. ■ Certainly, I have no objection to it whatever.' — * Vy, then,' said Loutherbourgh, ■ bran-tea, is the very ting for you. Take three, four — ees, four — cups of it as hot as you can soop — good big teacups, just after breakfast/ 1 What, Sir,' asked the patient, rather amazed, 'without water?' — 4 Yidout vater,' said Loutherbourgh, ' vat do you mean ? No more vater than is in the bran- tea itself ven made. Take it as you get it. Take four large, ver large, coops, between breakfast and dinner, and ven you find a change for better or vorse, come to me.' The faith of the patient was great, and so was his swallow, for five days he stuck to what he thought was the prescription of the painter — was of course drunk all day — and at the conclusion of his exertions, in this way he came to Loutherbourgh, full of gratitude for his advice — ' I am quite cured, Mr. Loutherbourgh/ said he, ' I never imagined that brandy was so complete a cure — I feel quite obliged/ 1 O, yes,' said Loutherbourgh, ' I was sure it would cure you, you felt quite cool all the time you was taking it/ — ■ Cool,' said the patient, ' no, not exactly cool, I was rather hot. Zounds, no man can drink a quart of spirits in the forenoon, and keep cool.' ■ Spirits,' said Loutherbourgh, rather astonished, 1 vy, there is no spirits in tea made of bran/ * Tea made of bran! 1 said his amazed friend, ' it was hot brandy I drank/ An explanation of course followed — the gentleman however was cured. 121 JOL MILLER. 401. — In a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary's widow. a lunatic ; amongst other tilings, it was deposed, that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c. into the street as rubbish. ' I doubt,' said the learned judge, ' whether sweeping physic into the street, be any proof of insanity.' — ' True, my lord,' replied the counsel, ' but sweeping the pots away, certainly was.' 402. — It is said that the Pope advised Petrarch to marry Laura ; but that the poet refused, because he feared that the familiarity of marriage would extin- guish his passion. A blunt person, on reading this anecdote, observed, 'There is a fool, who wont eat his dinner lest he should spoil his appetite.' 403. — Some soldiers once fell upon a watchman in a small town, in a lonely street, and took away his money and coat. He immediately repaired to the captain of the regiment, to complain of his misfor- tune. — The captain asked him whether he had on the waistcoat he then wore when he was robbed by the soldiers. ' Yes, Sir,' replied the poor fellow. * Then, my friend,' rejoined the captain, * I can assure you they do not belong to my company ; otherwise they would have left you neither waistcoat nor shirt.' 404. — A gentleman returned from India, inquir- ing of a person respecting their common acquaint- ance, who had been hanged after he had left England, was told he was dead. ' And did he continue in the grocery line?' said the former. 'Oh, no,' replied the other, ' he was quite in a different line when he died.' 405. — In Queen Anne's reign, the Lord Bateman married three wives, all of whom were his servants. A beggar woman, meeting him one day in the street, made him a very low courtesy : 'Ah! God Almighty l you,' said she, ■ and send you a long life ; if you do but live long enough, we shall be all ladies 10 time/ JOE MILLLR. 125 406. — A tannkr near Swaffham, in Norfolk, in- vited the supervisor to dine with him, and after push- ing the bottle about briskly, the supervisor took his leave ; but in passing through the tan-yard, he un- fortunately fell into a vat, and called lustily for the tanner's assistance to get him out, but to no purpose ; ' For,' said the tanner, ■ if I draw any hides without giving twelve hours' notice, I shall be exchequered and ruined ; but I'll go and inform the exciseman.' 4()7. — A man who had been quaffing porter till he was completely drunk, hiccupped out, that porter was both meat and drink. Soon after, going home, he tumbled into a ditch ; on which, a companion, who was leading him, observed, that it was not only meat and drink to him, but washing and lodging too. 408. — A highwayman meeting a counsellor in his chariot, on the Surrey-road, presented a blunderbuss, and demanded his money, with the usual compli- ment. The gentleman readily surrendered about sixty guineas, but kindly told the thief, that, for his own safety, he had better put the robbery on the footing of an exchange, by selling him the blunderbuss for what he had just taken from him. ' With all my heart/ said the highwayman, and gave it to the ad- vocate, who immediately turned the muzzle, and told him, ' that if he did not re-deliver his purse, he would shoot him.' ■ That you may do if you can,' replied Turpin, ■ for I promise you it is not loaded,' and rode off very coolly with his booty. 409. — A fashionable countess, asking a young nobleman which he thought the prettiest flower, roses or tulips? he replied, with great gallantry, 'Your ladyship's two lips before all the roses in the world.' 410. — A gentleman, who did not live very happy with his wife, on the maid telling him that she was going to give her mistress warning, as she kept scold- ing her from morning till night — ■ Happy girl !' said the master, ■ I wish 1 could give warning too/ 12fi J<>r. M1LLBB. •Ml. — T f i n ii y IV. of France, passing through a small town, perceived the inhabitants assembled to i .it u late him on his arrival. Just as the prin- i magistrate, had commenced a tedious oration, •O a to bray; on which the king, turning towards the place where the noisy animal was, said ly, ' Gentlemen, one at a time, if you please.' lliMi\ IV. to an excellent wit, added most amiable manners, and a most captivating address. On i al Armand de Biron coming into his presence, when lie was surrounded by some foreign amba- the king immediately took Biron by the hand, and said, k Gentlemen, this is Marshal Biron, whom 1 piesent with equal pleasure and confidence to my friends as well as my enemies.' Charlottb Smuji was walking along Pic- cadilly a few days ago, when the tray of a butcher's Ih>y came in sudden contact with her shoulder, and dirtied her dress. ' The deuce take the tray,' exclaim- -he, in a pet. 'Ah, hut the deuce cunt take the tray,' replied young rumpsteak, with the greatest I ity. I I L — A raw days after the Rye-house plot, Charles II. was walking in St. James's Park, with- uardl or attendants of any kind. The Duke of York afterwards remonstrated with his royal brother )ti the imprudence, nay, absurdity of such conduct. Charles, a little nettled to be so reproved, answered juiekly, ' Brother .lames, take care of yourself, for i will kill me to make you kin^.' mick shewed Dr. .lohnson his fine • at Hampton Court, what did it awaken in the mind of that great and itead of a flattering compliment, which ted, 'Ah! David, David, David, said the clapping his hand upon the little man's alder), ' these are the things, David, which make a death-bed terrible V JOF MILLF.R. 127 416. — George the Second, who was fond of Wins- ton the philosopher, one day, during his persecution, said to him, that however right he might be in his opinions, he had better suppress them. ! Had Martin Luther done so,' replied the philosopher, ■ your ma- jesty would not have been on the throne of England.' 4 17. — ■ As you do not belong to my parish,' said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, 4 you cannotexpect that I should relieve you.' — ' Sir,' said the sailor, with a noble air, * I lost my leg fight- ing for all parishes/ 41ft. — A dancer said to a Spartan — ' You cannot stand so long upon one leg as I can.' — ' True,' an- swered the Spartan, ' but any goose can.' 419. — A blind man who goes about the streets of London, whining out a long story about his misfor- tunes, has, amongst other prayers for the charitable and humane, the following curious wish — * May you never see the darkness which I now see.' 4 '20. — Demonax, hearing one declaim miserably, said — ' You should practise more.' The orator an- swering — • I am always declaiming to myself,' he re- plied — ' No wonder you do not improve, having so foolish an audience.' 421, — A Highlander, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop, in Glasgow, to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having shaved him, asked the price of it. ■ Tippence,' said the highlander. ' No, no,' says the shaver ; * I'll give you a penny, and if that does not satisfy you, take your broom again.' The highlander took it, and asked what he had to pay. • A penny,' says Strap. * I'll gie ye a baubee,' says Duncan, ' and if that dinna satisfy ye, pit on my beard again.' 422. — A lady asking a gentleman, how it was most medical men dressed in black, he replied — ' The meaning is very obvious, as they are chiefly occupied in preparing grave subjects.' 128 JOB MILLF.R. ».— A wi \t thy merchant of Fenchurch-street, lamenting to a confidential friend, that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded, by ■frying — ' Vet 1 wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as it is now too late to part them. But 'hen, his condition; how can I introduce him?' — 4 Nonsense,' replied his companion ; ' introduce him as a Liveryman of the City of London. What is more honourable !' 4S4. — In a dispute a Spartan was told he lied. He answered — ■ After I hud told you so, I would whip sou.'' For in Sparta lying slaves were whipped; and this retort was equal to calling the other a slave. Our point of honour was unknown to the ancients, who thought the infamy lay in lying, not in being tdd of it. 425. — There is a story related of Sir Isaac New- ton, the celebrated astronomer, that, being one day m the country, he saw a shepherd tending his flock, a r i<) inquired of him how far it was to the next town. The shepherd replied — ■ About a mile,' and added — ' but unless you make haste, you will be wetted through before you get there.' Sir Isaac proceeded ; and as the day was uncommonly fine, disregarded i he shepherd's caution, till drops of rain began to [all. He then quickened his pace; but before he could reach the inn, he was thoroughly wetted. ck with the circumstance, when the rain abated, • turned to ask the shepherd how he came to know that there would be rain, when no signs thereof were apparent. The shepherd declined explanation. Sir ic offered him a guinea, and afterwards five *, but still the shepherd refused to reveal the secret. At sac offered him twenty guineas: he then consented, on condition that he should have the money in hand before he spoke. Sir Isaac complied. The shepherd then said — ' You see that black ram V 4 Yes/ said Sir Isaac ; ' but what has that to do with JOK MILLKR. 129 the question?' — 'Why,' said the shepherd, 'when- ever that ram makes for shelter, and thrusts his rump into the hedge, I always know that rain will fall within a quarter of an hour.' 426. — During the recent unpleasant situation of affairs in Ireland, a watch-word was required of every passenger after a certain hour, with liberty for the centinel to interrogate at will. A poor harmless Irishman, travelling from Kilmainey to Kilmore, be- ing asked concerning his place of departure, and place of destination, answered, to the astonishment of the inquirer, • I have been to kill-many, and am going to kill-more.' — ■ That you shall not,' said the centinel, and immediately run him through with his bayonet. 427. — An Irishman, having bought a sheep's head, had been to a friend for a direction to dress it. As he was returning, repeating the method, and holding his purchase under his arm, a dog snatched it, and ran away. ' Now, my dear joy,' said the Irishman, ' what a fool you make of yourself ! what use will it be to you, as you don't know how it is to be dressed?' 428. — An Irishman meeting an acquaintance, thus accosted him : ' Ah, my dear, who do you think I have just been speaking to? your old friend Pa- trick ; faith, and he is grown so thin, I hardly knew him ; to be sure, you are thin, and I am thin, but he s thinner than both of us put together.' * % 9. — An Irishman seeing a large quantity of po- tatoes standing in a market-place, observed to a bye- stander, ■ what a fine show of potatoes.' — ' Yes, they are,' replied he, ' very fine potatoes ; I see you have the name quite pat ; how do you call them in your country?' — ' Ah, fait!' returned the Irishman, ■ we never call 'em ; when we want any, we go and dig them.' 430. — Englishmen who sojourn, even for a short time, in Ireland, speedily lose all their prejudices G 2 130 lOt Mill KU. mtry, and blend in all the convivial ; the place. So seductive is example and so epidemical the infection of good humour. A l>riton named Moore, who settled as a wholesale in Dublin, was fascinated by the so- cial habits of his Hibernian acquaintance, and inter- changed with them all the cheap hospitalities of beef, turkeys, and whiskey punch. Having removed to a new habitation, and given, what is called a jo- vial housewarming to a numerous company, the cheerful jug went round with ceaseless motion, oc- casionally replenished from a large china jar of ten gallons dimension, which was Moore's favourite urn an similar occasions, and upon which, when tipsey, fje never failed to launch out in high encomiums. /\n arch wag in the room, yclept Charley Shiel, an eminent auctioneer, perceiving that his host was far fone when he mounted his favourite hobby-horse, 'he china jar, joined in the praises of this extraordi- \ry vessel, adding, that there were but two of them ime from China in three ships; that he had sold *ne fellow of it to Lord Howth five years before for twenty guineas, and that the noble lord would cheer- fully give three hundred for this, if he knew where to find it. ' Oh ! come, Charley,' said Moore who smelled a hoax, ' you are Jii"gi"g the hatchet quite too far, it only cost me a guinea and a half, and I would sell it for ten.' Shiel, mustering all his gra- vity, rejoined, ■ My dear Moore, you don't know the value of that jar ; it is the true Whang Tone malic- able china, and I'd lay you any wager that the strongest porter you can find would not be able to bi< ik it with a dozen strokes of your largest kitchen poker/ — ' Done,' said Moore, 'that I will do it my- lelf in half a dozen strokes.' — ' Done with you,' said Shiel, ' for a gallon of porter that you don't.' The Moore called for the large kit- chen poker, and stripping off his coat to remove all JOE MILLER. 131 impediments to his strength, dealt with all his might an Herculean blow upon the jar, which, wonderful to relate, was smashed in a thousand pieces. — Shiel, without moving a muscle of his countenance, gravely acknowledged that Mr. Moore had certainly won the wager, and threw down his shilling to pay the bet, observing, that th*s was the first time in his life he ever saw such a jar broke in the same manner. — Moore, like an Arabian seer, stood for some time as- tounded by the effects of this rash stroke upon his favourite talisman, but recovering a little and per- ceiving the hoax by which he had been deluded, fury kindled in his eye, and he was looking out anxiously for some favourable spot on the head of the hoaxer whereon to bestow the next stroke of his poker ; but the insidious Shiel, seeing the storm rising, thought fit to decamp, laughing in his sleeve at the success of his mischievous joke. 431. — An Irish gentleman meeting an English- man, thus addressed him : ' Ah, my dear, is it you 1 when I saw you at the other end of the street, I thought you were your cousin ; as you came nearer, I thought you were yourself; and now I see you are your brother.' 432. — A culprit asked Jack Ketch, if he had any commands to the other world? ' Why, said Jack, * not many ; I'll only,' added he, as he had adjusted the knot under his left ear, 'just trouble you with a line.' 4S3. — Dean Swift once dining with the mayor of Dublin, was served with part of a duck, and asking for apple-sauce, was told by the mayor there was none : upon which he cut an apple-pie, and put a spoonful of the apples on his plate. The mayor ex- claimed, ' Why, doctor, you eat duck like a goose.' 434. — Private theatricals are a very great nui- sance, and ought to be entirely suppressed. The number of illiterate coxcombs who nightly murdei JOB MILLI e, and the unfortunate females who are hurried into these receptacles of vice, if not under Qta! control, ought to be rescued by the police i the misery that awaits them. Some time a tailor's apprentice was exhibiting Macbeth at one of t theatres, and having exclaimed — 1 1 naie done the deed !' a respectable man stood up in the pit, and called out, 4 That's not true — you hav'n't mended Mr. Smith's breeches, for which your back shall smart severely when you get home.' . — A cLODHOPrF.rt, of the real Sussex breed, underwent a shaip cross-examination by a learned counsel, on a late trial, in the course of which he was ed, who his sleeping partner in business was. 1 My sleeping partner?' replied Hodge, scratching his head, and giving his hat which he held by the band in his other hand another turn, and staring at the same time at the counsellor, as much as to say, ' l'se wonder what the devil's coming next — my sleeping partner ? Dang it, l'se got noa sleeping part- but .Mary.' The court was convulsed with laugh- ter : when it had somewhat subsided, the counsel med — • You say your sleeping partner is Mary — pray, who is Mary?' — ' Why doesn't thee know \ V rejoined Hodge, grinning till his fat red ks almost closed his eyes — ' why she's my wife Mire.' —A young couple, at Paris, lately going to mayor, to have the civil ceremony of marriage ng lady, in stepping out of the carriage, entai in the step, and tore it. * Hew Uupid,' exclaimed the gentleman. The lady took no notice of this ungallant expression, and the party went into the hotel of the mayor. But upon being asked whether she consented to take the gen- tleman present for her husband, she replied, ■ Aof *o JOE MILLER. 133 ttupid ;* which was the only answer that could be obtained from her. / 437. — Dr. South, once preaching before Charles II. (who was not very often in a church), observing that the monarch, and all his attendants, began to nod, and, as nobles are common men when they arc asleep, some of them soon after snored, on which he broke off his sermon, and called — ' Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will wake the king.' 438. — The benevolent Dr. Wilson once discovered a clergyman at Bath, who he was informed was sick, poor, and had a numerous family. In the evening, he gave a friend fifty pounds, requesting he would deliver it in the most delicate manner, and as from an unknown person. The friend replied, ■ I will wait upon him early in the morning.' — ' You will oblige me by calling directly. Think, Sir, of what importance a good night's rest may be to that poor man.' 439. — In a law-suit respecting boundaries, the counsel on both sides explained their claims on a plan — ' My lord,' said one, ' we lie on this side :' and the other said, ■ My lord, we lie on this side.' — ' Nay,' said the judge, ' if you lie on both sides, I can be- lieve neither of you.' 440. — Lord M , with no very large portion of either wit or wisdom, had a very exalted opinion of his own powers. When once in a large company, and expatiating about himself, he made the following pointed remark : ' When 1 happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst out a laughing V — ' I envy you your happiness, my lord, then,' said Charles Town- send, ' for you must certainly live the merriest life of any man in Europe.' 441. — A gentleman said he had travelled over the four quarters of the world ; and among the curio- sities he had remarked, there was one of which no author had taken notice. This wonder, according to 134 MM.i.rn. him, was a caM e, and so high, that under each of its leaves fifty armed horsemen could put themselves into battle array , and perform the manual exercise, without hindering one another. Somebody that listened to him, did not amuse himself with re- futing that story, but very seriously told that he had also travelled, and had been as far as Japan, where he was amazed to see more than three hundred work- men, who were busy in fabricating a copper : a hun- dred and fifty were employed inside in the polishing of it. ' To what use could be this enormous vessel V I the traveller. * No doubt it was,' answered he immediately, ' to boil the cabbage you have just spoken of.' 4 W. — Lord Norbvry was asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause, and he was answered, it was because Mr. Sergeant Joi/, who was to lead, absent, but Mr. H»]»\ the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately : when his lordship humorously repeated the well known lines — ' Hope told a flattering tale, That Joy would soon return.' 443. — A labourer's daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, when weary, would be frequently wishing to be married, that, as she em- phatically termed it, she might rest her bimes. Hymen at last listened to her prayers, and a neighbouring clodhopper led her to the altar, nothing loth. Some wards her late mistress, meeting her, asked ' \\ ell, Mary, have you rested your bones yet V I, indeed,' replied she, with a sigh, * J have rested net.* 4*4. — A noi'.i.e lord, not over courageous, was once so far engaged in an affair of honour, as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But just as he came to ti. _e, an empty hearse came 00 which Ins lordship's antagonist, who was a droll officer, well known, called out to the driver, iCF MILLER. ■ Stop here, my good fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send you a fare.' This operated so strongly on his lordship's nerves, that he begged the officer's pardon, and returned home in a whole skin. 41b. — ' I can't conceive, said one nobleman to another, ' how it is that you manage- I am convinced that you are not of a temper to spend more than your income ; and yet, though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live at the rate you do.' — ' My lord,' said the other, * I have a place.' — ' A place ? you amaze me, 1 never heard of it till now — pray what place I 1 — 4 / am mu own steward.' 446. — The celebrated Duchess of Grammont, on being brought before the revolutionary tribunal, was asked by Fonquier Tinville, the public accuser, if it not true that she had sent money to her emigrant children? * I was about to say. no,' replied she ; ' but my life is not worth saving by a falsehood.' 447. — Lord Eldon tells with pleasure the diffi- culties with which, in his early days, he was sur- rounded, and over which he triumphed — We an account of his early success, as he related it him- self at table to a friend : — * Yes,' said the ChancelJ r, ' and I borrowed thirty pounds to go the northern circuit, but I got no briefs. And, Sir, I borrowed another thirty, but met with no return. After some time at this game, I had determined to borrow no more ; when I was prevailed on by a friend to try again, and did so. At York, I had a junior brief, and Davenport, then a leading counsel on the circuit, was to state the case to the jury. The cause was called on in the morning, and Davenport was en- i in the Crown Court : I,' said the Chancellor, ' begged the judge to postpone it; but he replied, ' You must lead, Mr. Scott,' and I did so ; it was an action for an assault : two Yorkshire ladies had quarrelled at cards : a scuffle ensued ; and one of them was turned off her chair on the ground ; this 136 JOB MILLr.R, was the nature of the assault. It happei.ed,' pro- ceeded the Chancellor, ' that I set the court in a roar of laughter, and succeeded for my client ; retainers began to flow in, and the prospect brightened. On proceeding to Carlisle, a fortunate circumstance oc- curred. I had retired early to bed the night before the assizes, when I was aroused by a knock at my door : on getting up, 1 found Mr. , the solicitor, with a large brief in his hand ; he observed that a cause was coming on in the morning, and the leading counsel were all too much engaged to read so large a brief — ' You must take it, Mr. Scott ;' I hesitated, as Davenport and others had declined it, and expressed my doubt of being able to accomplish the task. He pressed me, and by the little light, as the attorney put the brief (it was a thick brief) into my hand, I saw written on it, 'Mr. Scott, twenty guineas.' This not to be refused, and I said, ■ Well, I promise ad your brief, and state its substance.' — ' That's all we want,' replied the solicitor ; so I dressed my- self and read it. The next day I succeeded in the cause, and never wanted briefs again.' 448. — Thbophilus CibbeBi who was very extrava- gant, one day asked his father for a hundred pounds, * Zounds, Sir,' said Colly, ' can't you live upon your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my father's money.' — • But you have it a great deal of my father's,' replied Theophilus. This ictort had the desired effect. 449. — Bishop Half, relates, that there was a cer- tain nobleman of his day, who kept a fool, to whom he one day gave a staff (a thing commonly used in walking at that time by all pedestrians, whether rich or poor), with a charge to keep it till he should meet with one who was a greater fool than himself. Not many years after, the nobleman fell sick even unto death. The fool came to see him ; his sick lord said to him — ' I must shortly leave you.' — 'And whither JOK Mil LF.R. 137 are you going V asked the fool. ■ Into another world/ replied his lordship. ' And when will you comeback again 1 Within a month V — ' No.' — ■ Within a yearV — ' No.' — ■ When then?' — ' Never.' — ' Never !' echoed the fool, ' and what provision hast thou made for thy entertainment there whither thou goestV — 1 None at all.' — ' No,* exclaimed the fool. ' none at all! Here, then, take my staff; for, wi?h all my folly, I am not guilty of any such folly as this.' 450. — Queen Caroline, consort of George the Second, was remarkable for having the largest feet of any female in the kingdom. One morning as her majesty was walking on the banks of the river near Richmond, attended only by one lady, venturing too far on the sand, from which the water had recently ebbed, she sunk in up to her ancles, and in endea- vouring to extricate herself, lost one of her galloches; at that instant, the lady observing a waterman rowing by, requested he would land, and recover the aueen's slipper. The request was instantly complied with, and whilst the sen of Old Thames was, with evident marks of astonishment in his countenance, examining its extraordinary size, turning to her majesty, he in- quired if that was her slipper. On being answered in the affirmative, he bluntly replied — ■ Then, I am out of my reckoning, for I mistook it for a child's cradle.' 451. — At the commencement of a public dinner at Guildhall, on Lord Mayor's Day, Mr. Chamber- lain Wilkes lisped out — ' Mr. Alderman Burnell, shall I help you to a plate of turtle, or a slice of the haunch ? I am within reach of both.' — ' Neither one nor t'other, I thank you, Sir,' replied the alder- man ; ' I think I shall dine on the beans and bacon, which are at this end of the table.' — ' Mr. Alder- man A n, which would you choose, Sir?' conti- nued the chamberlain. ' Sir, I will not trouble you for either, for I believe I shall follow the example 138 JOK MILL in. of my brother Burnell, and dine on beans and bacon,' the reply. On this second refusal, the old chain- beilain rose from his seat, and with every mark of astonishment in his countenance, curled up the cor- ners of his mouth, cast his eyes around the table, and in a voice as loud and articulate as he was able, called — ' Silence;' which being obtained, he then addressed the Praetorian Magistrate, who sat in the chair : — ' My Lord .Mayor, the wicked have accused us of intemperance, and branded us with the impu- tation of gluttony ; that they may be put to open shame, and their profane tongues be from this day silenced, 1 humbly move that your lordship com- mand the proper officer to record in our annals — I that two Aldermen of the City of London, prefer beans and bacon to either venison or turtle sou)).' 4.Y2. — Two city merchants conversing upon busi- ness at the door of the New York Coffee-house, one of tin m made some remarks on the badness of the times ; and perceiving at the moment, a flight of pigeons mg over their heads, he exclaimed — ' How happy are these pigeons ! they have no acceptances to pro- vide for.' To which the other replied — ' You are rather in error, my friend, for they have their bills to provide for as well as we ! 4">3. — An Irishman having lost an eye, a friend of his recommended him to one of our famous ocu- lots, with whom he agreed to give ten guineas for a beautiful one shewn him among the rest. lie tally called the next day to abuse him for having sold him an eye with which he could not see. i i i it coining into the kitchen of an inn, in a very cold night, stood so close to the fire that he burnt his boots. An arch rogue, who sat in the chimney corner, cried out to him, ' Sir, you'll burn your spurs presently.' — ' My boots, you mean, ippote,' said the gentleman. — ' No, Sir,' replied the other, ' they are burnt alreadv.' JOE MILLER. 139 45.5. — An Irish bookseller, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he had any personal objections, he might legally challenge them. • Faith, and so I will/ replied he, ? if they do not bring me off handsomely, I will chal- lenge every man of them.' 456. — A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a very long face, that he had seen a ghost. ' When and where V said the pastor. — \ Last night/ replied the timid man, ' I was passing by the church, and up against the wall of it did I behold the spectre.' — ' In what shape did it appear V replied the priest. — ' It appeared in the shape of a great ass.' — 4 Go home, and hold your tongue about it,' rejoined the pastor, ' you are a very timid man, and have been frighted by your own shadow.' 4,57. — After a certain military company had dined, and their commander thought a longer circu- lation of the glass might tend to prevent the regu- larity of their return, he exclaimed jocosely, 'Atten- tion ! charge bayonets !' to which one of the com- pany cleverly replied, ' As we are in the rear rank, if you please, we will remain at port. 1 458. — An Irishman carrying a cradle was stopped by an old woman, and thus accosted : ' So, Sir, you have got some of the fruits of matrimony.' — ' Softly, softly, old lady/ said he, ' you mistake, this is merely the fruit basket.' 459. — A cowardly fellow, much given to appa- rent courage, or boasting (as most cowards are), having spoken impertinently to a gentleman, received a violent box on the ear. Summoning his most au- thoritative tone, he demanded, whether that was meant in earnest. ! Yes, Sir,' replied the other, with- out hesitation. The coward, thinking he should have frightened him, now turned away, saying, ' I am glad of it, Sir, for I do not like such jests.' .40 JOR MILLAR. 460. — An Irish gentleman meeting his nephew who lold him he had just been entered at college replied, ■ I am extremely happy to hear it ; make the most of your time and abilities, and I hope I shall lite to hear you preach my funeral sermon.* 461. — An old gentleman, who used to frequent one of the coffee-houses in Dublin, being unwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an opinion concerning his case ; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking one of the faculty, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for such a complaint? ' I '11 tell you,' said the doctor, ■ you should take advice.' 462. — As a clergyman was burying a corpse, a poor woman came, and pulled him by the sleeve, in the middle of the service. ' Sir, Sir, I want to speak with you.' — ' Prithee wait, woman, till I have done/ — ' No, Sir, I must speak to you immediately.' — 1 Well, then, what is the matter?' — ■ Why, Sir, you are going to bury a man who died of the small-pox, near my poor husband, who never had it.' 463. — When Mrs. Glynn made her entree as Lady Townly, some years since, in Dublin, three high bred women of fashion, in the stage-box, grossly insulted her, by talking loud, coughing, &c. The actress, great- ly distressed, stopped, burst into tears, and retired. The ladies, unabashed, for a moment enjoyed their triumph, when a great uproar ensued, and ' Go on, go on,' was heard from all parts of the house. A young collegian then suddenly jumped on one of the benches in the middle of the pit, and exclaimed to the audi- ence, ' My friends, who sit about me, are determined the play shall not go on, till those drunken men in women's clothes leave the stage-box.' This address universally applauded, and being followed by a fihower of oranges and apples from both galleries, the Amazonians retired in the utmost confusion, amidst the hisses of the spectators. JOE MILLER. 141 464. — Several years ago, two brothers, went to Jamaica : they were, by trade, blacksmiths. Find- ing, soon after their arrival, they could do nothing without a little money to begin with, but that with sixty or seventy pounds, they might be able, with industry, to get on a little, they hit upon the follow- ing novel and ingenious expedient. One of them stripped the other naked, shaved him close, and blacked him from head to foot. This being done, he took him to one of the negro-dealers, who, after view- ing and approving his stout athletic appearance, ad- vanced eighty pounds currency upon the bill of sale, and prided himself on the purchase, supposing him to be one of the finest negroes on the island. The same evening, this new-manufactured negro made his escape to his brother, washed himself clean, and resumed his former appearance. Rewards were in vain offered in hand bills, pursuit was eluded, and discovery, by care and precaution, rendered imprac- ficable. The brothers with the money commenced Dusiness, and actually returned to England, with a fortune of several thousand pounds. Previous, how- ever, to their departure from the island, they waited upon the gentleman from whom they had received the money, and recalling the circumstance of the negro to his recollection, paid him both principal and interest, with thanks. 465. — The late counsellor Egan, Chairman of the Quarter Sessions for Dublin, was so remarkable for his lenity to female culprits, that a woman was sel- dom convicted when he presided. On one occasion, when this humane barrister was not in the chair, a prim looking woman was put to the bar of the Com- mission court, at which presided the equally humane though perhaps not so gallant, Baron L . She was indicted for uttering forged bank notes. Ac- cording to usual form o! law, the clerk of the crowi? asked the orisoner if she was ready to take her trial' 142 JOE MILLER. With becoming disdain, she answered, • No!' She told by the clerk, she must give her reasons why. As if scorning to hold conversation with the fellow, she thus addressed his lordship, ' My lord, 1 won't be tried here at all, I'll be tried by my lord Egan/ The simplicity of the woman, coupled with the well known character of Egan, caused a roar of laughter in the court, which even the bench could not resist. Baron L , with his usual mildness, endeavoured to explain the impossibility of her being tried by the popular judge, and said, ' He can't try you,' when the woman stopped him short, and exclaimed, * Can't try me ! I beg your pardon, my lord, he has tried me twice before.' She was tried, however, and for the third time acquitted. 466. — A gentleman on a stage-coach, passing through the city of Bath, and observing a handsome edifice, inquired of the driver what building it was? The driver replied, ■ It is the Unitarian Church.' — 1 Unitarian}' said the gentleman, ' and what is thatV — 4 1 don't know,' said Jehu, ' but I believe it is in the opposition line.' 467. — A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncas- ter, was thus accosted by his landlord : — ■ John, I am going to raise your rent.' John replied, • Sir, I am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself.' 468. — George I., on a journey to Hanover, stop- ped at a village in Holland, and while the horses were getting ready, he asked for two or three eggs, which were brought him, and charged two hundred florins. 'How is this V said his majesty, 'eggs must be very scarce in the place.' — ' Pardon me,' said the I, ' eggs are plenty enough, but kings are scarce.' The king smiled, and ordered the money to be paid. 469. — A dispute about precedence once arose be- tween a Bishop and a Judge, and, after some alter- cation, the latter thought he should quite confound JOE MIL! FR. 143 his opponent by quoting the following passage : — ' For on these two hang all the law and the prophets.' — * Do you not see,' said the lawyer, in triumph, * that even in this passage of scripture, we are men- tioned first V — 4 1 grant you/ says the bishop, ' you hang first.' 470. — When the first edition of Thomson's Sea- sons came out, the poet sent a copy, handsomely bound, to Sir Gilbert Elliot, of Minto, afterwards Lord Justice Clerk, who had shewn him great kind- ness. Sir Gilbert shewed the book to his gardener, a relation of Thomson, who took the book into his hands, and turning it over and over, and gazing on it with admiration, Sir Gilbert said to him, ' Well, David, what do you think of James Thomson now 1 there's a book will make him famous all the world over, and immortalize his name.' David, looking now at Sir Gilbert, then at the book, said, ' In troth, Sir, it is a grand book ! I did not think the lad had ingenuity enow to ha' done sic a neat piece of handicraft.' 471. — Two bucks riding on the western road on a Sunday morning, met a lad driving a flock of sheep towards the metropolis ; when one of them accosted him with ' Pr'ythee, Jack, which is the way to Wind- sor?' — 'How did you know my name was Jack V said the boy, staring in their faces. ' We are con- jurers, young Hobnail,' said the gentlemen, laugh- ing. ■ Oh ! you be ! then you don't want I to show you the way to Windsor,' replied the lad, pursuing his journey. 472. — A Negro from Montserrat, where the Hi- berno- Celtic is spoken by all classes, happened to be on the wharf at Philadelphia when a number of Irish emigrants were landed ; and seeing one of them with a wife and four children, he stepped forward to assist the family on shore. The Irishman, in his native tongue, expressed his surprise at the civility of the 144 JOE MILLER. negrc ; who, understanding what had been said, re- plied, in Irish, that he need not be astonished, for ne was a bit of an Irishman himself. The Irishman, surprised to hear a black man speak his dialect, it entered his mind, with the usual rapidity of the Irish fancy, that he really was an Irishman, but that the climate had, no doubt, changed his complexion. ■ If 1 may be so bold, Sir,' said he, ' may 1 ask you how long you have been in this country V The negro- man, who had only come hither on a voyage, said, he had been in Philadelphia only about four months. Poor Patrick turned round to his wife and children, and, looking as if for the last time on their rosy cheeks, concluding that in four months they must also change their complexions, exclaimed, ■ O Mer- ciful Powers ! — Judy, did you hear that ? he has not been more than four months in this country, and he is already almost as black as jet.' 473. — When Whitfield preached before the sea- men at New York, he had the following bold apos- trophe in his sermon : — ' Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a smooth sea, before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. But what means this sudden lowering of tiie Heavens, and that dark cloud arising from be- neath the western horizon 1 Hark ! Don't you hear distant thunder 1 Don't you see those flashes of lightning 1 There is a storm gathering ! Every man to his duty ! How the waves rise, and dash against the ship ! The air is dark ! The tempest rages ! Our masts are gone ! The ship is on her beam ends ! What next Y — It is said that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose, with united voices and minds, and exclaimed, ' Take to the long boat.' 474. — A dashing buck, having just mounted a fashionable great coat, trimmed with a profusion of fur, lately asked an old gentleman how he liked his J,»t MILLER. 146 new kick? ' Upon my word, Sir,' said he, ■ I like it extremely, for it reminds me of a very excellent fable.' — ' What is that V returned the interrogator. 4 The Ass in the Lion's Skin,' was the answer. 475. — An Irish soldier passing through m meadow j near Cork, a large mastiff ran at him, and he stabbed the dog with a spear that he had in his hand. The. master of the dog brought him before the magistrate, who asked him, why he had not rather struck the dog with the but end of his weapon. ■ So I should,' said the soldier, 4 if he had run at me with his tail.' 476. — At the siege of Tortona, the commander of the army which lay before the town, ordered Carew, an Irish officer in the service of Naples, to advance with a detachment to a particular post. Having given his orders, he whispered to Carew, 'Sir, I know you to be a gallant man ; I have therefore put you upon this duty. I tell you in confidence, it is certain death for you all. I place you there to make the enemy spring a mine below you.' Carew made a bow to the general, and led on his men in silence to the dreadful post. He there stood with an undaunted countenance, and having called to one of the soldiers for a draught of wine, ■ Here,' said he, ' 1 drink to all those who bravely fall in battle.' Fortunately at that instant Tortona capitulated, and Carew es- caped. But he had thus a full opportunity of dis- playing a rare instance of determined intrepidity. 477. — Mr. Jeremy White, one of Oliver Crom- well's domestic chaplains, a sprightly man, and one of the chief wits of the court, was so ambitious as to make his addresses to Oliver's youngest daughter, the Lady Frances. The young lady did not discou- rage him ; but in so religious a court, this gallantry could not be carried on without being taken notice of. The Protector was told of it, and was much concerned thereat ; he ordered the person who told him to keep a strict look out, promising if he could H 146 jo i mm i i n. give him any substantial pi oofs, he should be well t tied, and White severely punished. I he spy followed liis business so close, that in a little time lie dodged Jerry White, as he was gene- rally called, to the lady's chamber, and ran imme- diately to the Protector, to acquaint him that they together. Oliver t in a rage, hastened to the chamber, and, going in hastily, found Jerry on his knees, either kissing the lady's hand, or having just kissed it. Cromwell, in a fury asked what was the meaning of that posture before his daughter Frances? White, with a great deal of presence of mind, said, ■ May it please your highness, I have a long time courted that young gentlewoman there, my lady's woman, and cannot prevail ; I was therefore humbly praying her ladyship to intercede for me.' The Protector, turning to the young woman, cried, * What's the meaning of this, hussy ; why do you refuse the honour Mr. W r hite would do you? he is my friend, and I expect you should treat him as such.' My lady's woman, who desired nothing more, with a very low curtesy, replied, ' If Mr. White in- tends me that honour, 1 shall not be against him.' — ' Sayest thou so, my lass V cried Cromwell, ■ call Goodwyn ; this business shall be done presently, be- fore 1 go out of the room.' Mr. White was gone too far to go back ; his bro- ther parson came : Jerry and my lady's woman were married in the presence of the Protector, who gave her five hundred pounds for her portion, which, with what she had saved before, made Mr. White easy in his circumstances, except that he never loved his wife, nor she him, though they lived together near fifty years afterwards. 478. — Lady W is celebrated in Ireland for wit and beauty. Happening to be at an asscm!>iy in Dublin, a young gentleman, the son of his ma- JOE MILLER. 147 jestv's printer, who had the patent for publishing Bibles, made his appearance, dressed in green and gold. Being a new face, and extremely elegant, he attracted the attention of the whole company. A general murmur prevailed in the room, to learn who he was ; Lady W instantly made answer, loud enough to be heard, ■ Oh ! don't you know him ? it is young Bible, bound in calf and gilt, but not letter'd.' 479. — A very harmless Irishman eating an apple- pie with some quinces in it ; ■ Arrah, dear honey/ said he, ' if a few of these quinces give such a flavour, how would an apple-pie taste made of all quinces V 480.— A brave tar, with a wooden leg, who was on board Admiral Duncan's fleet in the engage- ment with the Dutch, having the misfortune to have the other shot off, as his comrades were conveying him to the surgeon, notwithstanding the poignancy of his agonies, could not suppress his joke, saying, 1 It was high time for him to leave off play when his last pin was bowled down.' 4ft 1. — It is a superstition with some surgeons who beg the bodies of condemned malefactors, to go to the gaol, and bargain for the carcase with the crimi- nal himself. An honest gentleman did so last ses- sions, and was admitted to the condemned men on the morning wherein they died. The surgeon com- municated his business, and fell into discourse with a little fellow who refused twelve shillings, and in- sisted upon fifteen for his body. The fellow who killed the officer of Newgate, very forwardly, and like a man who was willing to deal, said, ■ Look you, Mr. Surgeon, that little dry fellow, who has been half starved all his life, and is now half dead with fear, cannot answer your purpose. I have ever lived highly and freely, my veins are full, I have not pined in imprisonment ; you see my crest swells to your knife, and after Jack Ketch has done, upon my ho- nour you'll find me as sound as e'er a bullock in any 148 JOB MILLER. of the markets. Come, for twenty shillings I am your man/ Says the surgeon, ■ Done, there's a gui- nea.' The witty rogue took the money, and as soon as he had it in his fist, cries, ' Bite, I'm to be hanged in chain!.' 482. — In a company, consisting of naval officers, the discourse happened to turn on ihe ferocity of small animals ; when an Irish gentleman present stated his opinion to be, that a Kilkenny cat, of all animals, was the most ferocious ; and added, ' I can prove my assertion, by a fact within my own know- ledge : — 1 once,' said he, ' saw two of these animals fighting in a timber yard, and willing to see the result of a long battle, I drove them into a deep saw-pit, and placing some boards over the mouth, left them to their amusement. Next morning I went to see the conclusion of the fight, and what d'ye think 1 saw f — ' One of the cats dead, probably,' replied one of the company. ■ No, by St. Patrick, there was nothing left in the pit, but the two tails, and a bit of finer 483. — When captain Grose first went over to Ire- land, his curiosity led him to see every thing in the capital worth seeing : in the course of his perambu- lation, he one evening strolled into the principal meat market of Dublin, when the butchers, as usual set up the constant outcry of ' What do you buy ? What do you buy, master?' Grose parried this for some time, by saying, ' he wanted nothing ;' at last a butcher starts from his stall, and eyeing Grose's figure from top to bottom, which was something like Dr. Slop's, in Tristram Shandy, exclaimed, ' Well, Sir, though you don't want any thing at present, only say you buy your meat of me, and you'll make my fortune.' 484. — The wife of a Scotch laird being suddenly taken very ill, the husband ordered a servant to get a horse ready to go to the next town for the doctor. B) JOE MILLER. 149 the time, however, the horse was ready, and his letter to the doctor written, the lady recovered, on whicn he added the following postscript, and sent off the messenger : ' My wife being recovered, you need not come.' 48.5. — Lord Townshend's butler, in preparing the cloth for a choice festival, was unlucky enough to break a dozen of china plates, of a rare and beautiful pattern. ■ You blockhead,' cries his lordship, meet- ing him presently after, with another dozen in his hand, * how did you do it V — ' Upon my soul, my lord, they happened to fall just so/ replied the fellow, and instantly dashed them also upon the marble hearth into a thousand pieces. 486. — A nobleman, of the thick blood of the Irish nation, paid his addresses to the daughter of a friend, who valued money more than ancestry : the old gen- tleman hinted to his lordship, that he supposed his fortune was equivalent to his daughter's 1 ■ Why no, Sir,' replied his lordship, ' I cannot say 'tis altogether so considerable 1 but then you know, Sir, there is my blood.' — ' Your blood V returns the gentleman ; * if you squander my daughter's fortune away, she must not depend on your blood for a subsistence : a hog's blood would be of more service then, and would make much better puddings.' 487. — Iv a convivial assembly, some of the com- pany questioning, whether the hamlet of Auburn, in the county of Westmeath, was really the subject of Dr. Goldsmith's Deserted Village, and a doubt arising from the circumstance of the doctor's not having been actually on the spot when he composed that pathetic piece, an old Irish gentleman present, with the zeal of a warm defender of his country's rightful honoui, exclaimed, ' Why, gentlemen, was Milton actually in hell when he wrote his Paradise Lost V 488. — A lady of quality sending her Irish footman to fetch home a pair of new stays, strictly charged JOE MILLER. a coach if it rained , for fear of wetting l)ut a great shower of rain falling, the fellow ed with the stays dripping wet, and being se- reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said, he had obeyed his orders. ' How then,' red the lady, ' could the stays be wet, if you took them into the coach with you?' — 'No, no,' re< plied the man, ' I know my place better. I did not go into the coach, but rode behind, as I always do.* —An Irishman, going down the High-street of . — A little girl, who knew very well thejpain- ful anxiety which her mother had long suffered, during a tedious course of litigation, hearing that she had at last lost her law-suit, innocently cried out — • O, my dear mamma ! how glad I am that you have lost that nasty law-suit, which used to give you so much trouble and uneasiness.' 504. — When Mr. Hankey was in vogue as a great banker, a sailor had as part of his pay, a draft on him for fifty pounds. This the sailor thought an immense sum, and calling at the house, insisted upon seeing the master in private. This was at length acceded to ; and when the banker and the sailor met together, the following conversation ensued — Sailor. ' Mr. Hankey, I've got a tickler for you — didn't like to expose you before the lads.' — Hankey. ■ That was kind. Pray, what's this tickler V — Sailor. ' Never mind, don't be afraid, I won't hurt you ; 'tis a fifty.' — Hankey. ' Ah ! that's a tickler, indeed.' — Sailor. ■ Don't fret - } give me five pounds now, and the rest at so much a week, I shan't mention it to anybody.' 505 — A conceited coxcomb once said to a barber's boy, « Did you ever shave a monkey?' — ' Why no, Sir,' replied the boy, ' never ; but if you will please to sit down, I will try.' 506. — An Irishman, a short time since, bade an extraordinary price for an alarum clock, and gave as a reason — ' That, as he loved to rise early, he had nothing to do but to pull the string, and he could wake himself.' 507. — A gentleman being asked to give a defini- tion of nonsense, replied, in a Johnsonian style — ' Sir, it is nonsense to bolt a door with a boiled carrot.' 508. — When Isaiah Thomas, the printer of Mas- sachusetts, was printing his almanack for 1788, one of his boys asked him what he should put opposite JOE MILLER. 155 July 15th. Mr. Thomas being engaged, replied — 1 any thing he liked.' The boy returned to the office, and set hail, rain, and snow. The country was all amazement, the day arrived, when it actually rained, hailed, and snowed violently ; from that time Tho- mas's almanacks were in great demand. 509. — * H a ve you any thing else old V said an Eng- lish lady at Rome to a boy, of whom she had bought some modern antiques : * Yes,' said the young urchin, thrusting forward his hat, which had seen some dozen summers, ' my hat is old.' The lady rewarded his wit. 510. — A country Justice of the Peace, when up- wards of seventy years of age, married a girl about nineteen, and being well aware that he was likely to be rallied on the subject, he resolved to be prepared. Accordingly, when any of his intimate friends called upon him, after the first salutations were passed, he was sure to begin the conversation, by saying, he be- lieved he could tell them news. ' Why,' says he, ■ I have married my tailor's daughter.' If he was asked why he did so 1 the old gentleman replied, ' Why, the father suited me so well for forty years past, that I thought the daughter might suit me for forty years to come.' 511. — A veteran highlander, between whose fa- mily and that of a neighbouring chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death bed, was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his ene- mies, even he who had most injured him. ' Well, be it so,' said the old highlander, after a short pause, 1 be it so ; go tell Kenmure I forgive him — but my curse rest on my son if ever he does.' 511 — ' When I was very young,' said Mr. Mun- den (rehearsing anecdotes of his past life), ' and look- ing still younger, I performed the part of Old Philpot, in the Citizen, to a respectable audience at Brighton, with great success ; and it chanced, on the next even- •56 JOB Mil i in. g, I I from any professional duty, I as introduced, by the gentleman who principally oniied me, as ftr. MuwUn, into a club-room full of company. On hearing my name announced, a nice snug looking good humoured personage laid down his pipe, and taking up his glass, said — ■ Here is to your health, young sir, and to your father's health, I saw him perform last night, and a very nice clever old gentleman he is.' b\3. — An Irish Jack Ketch, upon asking a crimi- nal, on the point of execution, for the accustomed fee of his "office, received something more than the usual sum, on which he exclaimed, in great glee — ' Long life, and good luck to your honour/ and in- stantly let the drop fall. -A black man proceeding along one of the fashionable streets at the west end of the town, was saluted with the sound of — ■ How d'ye do, blackee — how do, Snowball V He turned round in anger, but on perceiving the parrot, he said — ' Ah ! ah ! you rogue, you grow rich now, have a fine golden house of your own, insult poor man, but I know your fader when he lived in a bush — mind dat, and keep civil tongue.' 51; 5. — An apothecary, one of the Friends, meeting Dr. FothergUl in the street, accosted him in the fol- lowing manner. ' Friend FothergUl, I intend dining with thee to-day.' — ' I shall be glad to see thee,' re- plied the doctor. ' I intend bringing my family with me,' says the apothecary. ■ So much the better,' quoth the doctor. ■ But pray, friend, hast thou not gome joke V — ' No joke, indeed,' replies the apothe- cary, * but a very serious matter. Thou hast at- tended friend Epkraim these three days, and ordered btm no medicine. I cannot live at this rate in my own house, and I must therefore live in thine.' The doctor took the hint, and prescribed handsomely for his friend Ephraim, and his friend Leech, the apothecary. JOB MILLER. 167 5 16. — A youxo man visiting his mistress, met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and wish- ing to rally him, inquired how old he was ? ' I can't exactly tell,' replied the other ; * but I can inform you that an ass is older at twenty, than a man of sixty !' 517. — When Ameer, who had conquered Persia and Tartary, was defeated by Ismail, and taken pri- soner, he sat on the ground, and a soldier prepared a coarse meal to appease his hunger. As this was boiling in one of the pots used for the food of the horses, a dog put his head into it ; but from the mouth of the vessel being too small, he could not draw it out again, and ran away with both the pot and the meat. The captive monarch burst into a fit of laughter ; and, on one of his guards demanding what cause upon earth could induce a person in his situation to laugh, he replied — ' It was but this morn- ing the steward of my household complained, that three hundred camels were not enough to carry my kitchen furniture ; how easily it is now borne by that dog, who hath carried away my cooking instruments and dinner !' 518. — Dean Swift once preached a charity ser- mon at St. Patrick's, Dublin, the length of which disgusted many of his auditors ; which coming to his knowledge, and it falling to his lot soon after to preach another sermon of the like kind in the same place, he took special care to avoid falling into the former error. His text was — ' He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto the Lord, and that which he hath given, will he pay him again.' The dean, after re- peating his text in a very emphatical tone, added — ' Now, my beloved brethren, you hear the terms of this loan ; if you like the security, down with the dust.' It is worthy of remark, that the quaintness and brevity of this sermon produced a very large con- tribution. 158 JOB MILLER. 519. — Tub following admonition was address a Quaker to a man who was pouring forth a voll ill language against him—' Have a care, friend, mayest run thy face against my fist.' 520. — A fellow boasting in company of his fa- mily, declared even his own father died in an exalted situation. Some of the company looking incredu- lous, another observed — 'I can bear testimony of the gentleman's veracity, as my father was sheriff" for the county when his was hanged for horse-stealing.' 541. — A late great personage, when masquerades were frequently allowed in this country, being pre- sent at one of these entertainments, he was struck with the form of a lady. After some conversation with her, he laid his hand upon her bosom, the soft- ness of which he greatly commended. ■ 1 could,' replied the lady, ■ put your hand upon a softer place/ and upon his requesting her to do so, she immedi- ately put his hajid upon his own head, and directly mingled with the crowd. 522. — A secretary of war, being at a corporation feast, when the dinner was over, and the glass went merrily round, one of the aldermen addressed him- self to his lordship as follows : — ' My lord, I won- der, amongst the various changes of ins and outs in the administration, I have always observed your lord- ship in constant employ.' This was repeated seve- ral times, as his lordship endeavoured to evade giv- ing a direct answer ; however, at last, on the obser- vation being repeated, his lordship made this laconic reply : — ' Mr. Alderman, I look on the state as a large plum-pudding, and whilst there is a bit of it left, I am determined to have a part of it.' 523. — Swift, in his lunacy, had intervals of sense, at which time his physicians took him out for the air. When they came to the park, Swift remarked a new building, *nd asked what it was designed for, to which Dr. Kingsbury answered, 4 That, Mr. Dean, JOE MILLER. 159 is the magazine for arms and powder for the security of the city.'— 1 Oh !' said the dean, pulling out his pocket-book, ' let me take an item of that ; this is worth remarking; my tablets, as Hamlet says, my tablets; memory, put down that;' on which he wrote the following lines, which were the last he ever wrote : • Behold a proof of Irish sense, Here Irish wit is seen; When nothing's left that's worth defence, We build a magazine/ and then put up his pocket-book, laughing heartily at the conceit, and finishing it with these words : 1 After the steed is stolen, shut the stable door.' Af- ter which he never said a sensible word, so that these lines may be said to be the last speech and dying words of his wit. 524. — Win v General V was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his lady were regularly besieged as they got into their carriage by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assail- ing them daily with fresh importunities. Their cha- rity and patience became exhausted : not so the pe- titioner's perseverance. One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the carriage, our oratrix began — ' Oh, my lady ! success to your ladyship, and success to your honour's honour, this morning of all the days in the year : for sure I did not dream last night that her ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your ho- nour gave me a pound of tobacco.' — ' But my good woman,' said the general, 'don't you know that dreams go by the rule of contrary?' — ' Do they so?' rejoined the old woman ; ■ then it must mean, that your honour will give me the tea, and her ladyship the tobacco.' 525. — An officer just returned from the West In- dies, was invited to dine with Dr. Harvey, at Dub- 160 JOE Mil LBS. lin, where several of the medical tribe were present The conversation turned upon tropical climates, and the officer whose opinion was asked about that of the West Indies, said, * it was an infernal place; and that if he had lived there until that day, he would have been dead of the yellow fever two years ago/ Another of the physicians, without observing the bull, gravely added, ' that the climate was certainly very unwholesome, and that vast numbers died there.' 1 Very true/ said Dr. O'Donnel, ' but if you'll tell me of any country where people don't die, I will go and end ?/>»/ days there.' .VJ6.— Of that species of trope in Irish rhetoric called a bull, the Irish themselves are decidedly su- perior to all the British wits who have attempted to coin for them. A Dublin chairman named Darby Logan, eminent for this class of composition, kept an alehouse in the neighbourhood of Smock-alley Theatre, which was a good deal resorted to by all the wags of that city. Some of these customers one night knocked at his door at a late hour to get in, long after the family were gone to rest. After some considerable time, Darby opened the door, shivering in his shirt, and answered his customers by saying, 'Blur and ounds, gentlemen, sure I can't let you in, don't you iaj thut I'm in \>ed these two hours.' They, however, prevailed on the good natured host to ad- mit them, and after obtaining some drink, begged hard to get some supper. Darby expressed his sor- row for not being able to accommodate them, adding, that he had bought a very fine quarter of park the day before, but that a parcel of blackguard chairmen came in the evening while he was out, cut it up into mutton chhman, who was one of O'Connor's guides, and considered a clever man in the knowledge of roads in England. Berthier, minister of war, sent JOE MILLER. 163 for him, and began telling him, that the expedition against England would shortly sail, in three divisions, one to Dover, and others to places adjacent ; that they would act separately, and that the object of each would be to reach London as soon as possible, when, of course, the country would be conquered : " Now," says Berthier, " how would you recommend me to go to London from Dover : recollect I wish to be there as soon as possible !" — " Och,my dear," says 1/Leary, u take the mail-coach." Tis needless to add, that poor O'Leary was disgraced.' 535. — When the once celebrated Dr. Shebbeare rtas pilloried for a libel, a little ashamed of his ele- vation, he hired an Irish chairman to hold an um- brella over his head during the painful ceremony, and for this service the doctor rewarded him with a guinea. Next day, the chairman called upon him, and hoped his honour was well — began to hum! and ha ! as if he had more to say. The doctor, suspect- ing his drift, said, ■ My friend, what do you want? I thought I paid you yesterday very handsomely.' — 1 To be sure, now,' said Pat, ' and so you did for the trouble ; but please your honour, consider the dis- grace.* 536. — An Irishman one day found a light guinea which he was obliged to sell for eighteen shillings. Next day he saw another guinea lying in the street. 1 No, no,' says he, ■ I'll have nothing to do with you, I lost three shillings by your brother yesterday.' 537. — An Irishman maintained in company that the sun did not make his revolution round the earth : 1 But how then,' said one to him, ' is it possible, that having reached the west, where he sets, he be seen to rise in the east, if he did not pass underneath the globe V — * How puzzled you are,' replied this obsti- nate ignorant man, ' he returns the same way ; and if it be not perceived, it is on account of his coming back by night.' 164 JOH MILLER. .538. — Rock, the comedian, when at Covent-Gar- den, advised one of the scene-shifters, who had met with an accident, to the plan of a subscription ; and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read it over, he returned. * Why, Hock,' says the poor fellow, ' won't you give me something]' — 'Zounds, man,' replied the other, • didn't 1 give you the hint V 539. — The celebrated bull of the Irish gentleman who abused a woman for having changed him at nurse is not original. Sancho Panza makes one perfectly similar. ' Pray tell me, squire,' says the duchess, ■ is not your master the person whose history is print- ed under the name of the Sage Hidalgo Don Quixote de la ManchaV — 'The very same, my lady,' an- swered Sancho, ' and I myself am the very squire of his, who is mentioned, or ought to be mentioned, in that history, unless they have changed me in the cradle,' 540. — L)r. Hunter, in his translation of Sonnini's Travels in Egypt, informs his readers that ' at Malta, the ridges of the houses are fiat terraces ;' that, ' at Rosetta, the inhabitants cut the throats of their ducks, and in that situation keep them alive with their wings broken.' And lastly, that ' the orientals never take a walk but on horseback.' 541. — An Irishman, angling in the rain, was ob- served to keep his line under the arch of a bridge, upon being asked the reason he gave the following answer : ' To be sure, the fishes will be after crowd- ing there, in order to keep out of the wet.' 542. — The very ingenious and amiable Bishop Berkeley, of Cloyne in Ireland, was so entirely con- tented with his income in that diocese, that when offered by the late Earl of Chesterfield (then Lord- lieutenant) a bishoprick much more beneficial than that he possessed, he declined it with these words : ' I love my neighbours, and they love me ; why then should I begin, in my old days, to form new con- JOB MILLER. 155 nexions, and tear myself from those friends whoso kindness is to me the greatest happiness lean enjoy.' Acting in this instance like the celebrated Plutarch, who being asked, why he resided in his native city, so obscure, and so little, 4 I stay in it,' cried he, 4 lest it should grow less.' 543. — A gentleman passing through Holborn, lost his watch, and advertised it, with a reward of three guineas to the person who would bring it to him. Immediately after the appearance of the advertise- ment, a tradesman, in the neighbourhood of Holborn came to the place to which the finder had been direct ed, and gave the following account of his getting the watch : — He said, that one evening going to the butcher's to buy some meat, the butcher observed a watch hanging by the upper button of the skirt of his coat, and asked him if he used to carry his watch so At that time he knew nothing of the watch being there, but remembered passing througu a crowd it the street that evening. There is no doubt that, in the pressure and scuffle, the ribbon of the watch had got entangled on the button. 544. — A merchant in Jamaica, originally from London, having acquired a handsome fortune in that island, concluded with himself he could not be happy in the enjoyment of it, unless he shared it with a woman of merit ; and, knowing no one to his fancy, ne resolved to write to a worthy correspondent in London. He knew no other style than that he used in his trade ; therefore, treating affairs of love as he did his business, after giving his friend, in a letter, several commissions, and reserving this for the last, he went on thus — ' Item, Seeing that I have taken a resolution to marry, and that I do not find a suitable match for me here, do not fail to send, by next ship bound hither, a young woman, of the qualifications md form following. As for a portion, I demand none ; iet her be of an honest fumily ; between twenty and 166 JOh MILLER. twenty-five years of age ; of a middle stature, and well-proportioned ; her face agreeable, her temper mild, her character blameless, her health good, and her constitution strong enough to bear the change of the climate, that there may be no occasion to look out for a second, through lack of the first soon after she comes to hand, which must be provided against as much as possible, considering the great distance, and the dangers of the sea. If she arrives, and con- ditioned as abovesaid, with the present letter in- dorsed by you, or at least an attested copy thereof, that there may be no mistake or imposition, I hereby oblige and engage myself to satisfy the said letter, by marrying the bearer at fifteen days' sight. In wit- ness whereof I subscribe this, &c.' The London correspondent, who read over and over the odd article, which put the future spouse on the same footing with a bale of goods, could not help admiring the prudent exactness of the merchant, and his laconic style, in enumerating the qualifications which he insisted on : he, however endeavoured to serve him to his mind ; and after many inquiries, found a lady fit for his purpose, in a young person of a reputable family, but no fortune, of good humour, and of a polite education, well-shaped, and more than tolerably handsome. He made the proposal to her, as his friend had directed; and the young gentle- woman, who had no subsistence but from a cross old aunt, who gave her a great deal of uneasiness, ac- cepted it. A ship bound for Jamaica was then fitting out at Bristol ; the gentlewoman went on board the same, together with the bales of goods, being well provided with all necessaries, and particularly with a certificate in due form, and indorsed by the corre- spondent. She was also included in the invoice, the last article of which ran thus — ' Item, A maid of twenty-one years of age, of the quality, shape, and conditioned as per order ; as appears by the affida- JOK MILLER. 167 ▼its and certificates she has to produce.' The writings which were thought necessary to so exact a man as the future husband, were an extract of the parish register ; a certificate of her character, signed by the curate ; an attestation of her neighbours, setting forth, that she had, for the space of three years, lived with an old aunt, who was intolerably peevish, and had not, during all that time, given her said aunt the least occasion of complaint ; and, lastly, the goodness of her constitution was certified, after consultation, by four eminent physicians. Before the gentlewoman's departure, the London correspondent sent several let- ters of advice, by other ships, to his friend ; whereby he informed him, that, pel such a ship, he sent him a young woman, of such an age, character, and con- dition ; in a word, such as he desired to marry. The letters of advice, the bales, and the gentlewoman, came safe to the port ; and the merchant, who hap- f)ened to be one of the foremost on the pier, at the ady's landing, was charmed to see a handsome per- son, who, having heard him called by his name, thus addressed him — ' Sir, I have a bill of exchange upon you ; and you know that it is not usual for people to carry a great deal of money about them in such a long voyage as I have now made ; I beg the favour you will be pleased to pay it.' At the same time she gave him his correspondent's letter, on the back of which was written, ' The bearer of this is the spouse you ordered me to send you.' — ■ Ha, madam !' said the merchant, ■ I never yet suffered my bills to be protested, and I swear this shall not be the first : I shall reckon myself the most fortunate of all men, if you will allow me to discharge it.' — ' Yes, Sir,' re- plied she ; ■ and the more willingly, since I am ap- prised of your character. We had several persons of honour on board, who knew you very well ; and who, during my passage, have answered all the ques- tions I asked them concerning you, in so advanta- 168 JOE MILLER, geous a manner, that they have raised in me a perfect esteem for you.' This interview was in a few days followed by the nuptials, which were very magnifi- cent. The new-married couple were satisfied with their happy union, made by a bill of exchange, which turned out one of the most fortunate that had hap- pened in that island for many years. 545. — Atti rri'ry, bishop of Rochester, when a certain bill was brought into the House of Lords, said among o'her things, ' that he prophesied last winter this bill would be attempted in the present session, and he was sorry to find that he had proved a true prophet.' Lord Coningsby, who spoke after the bishop, and always spoke in a passion, desired the house to remark ■ that his Right Reverend friend had set himself forth as a prophet : but for his part he did not know what prophet to liken him to, unless to that furious prophet, Balaam, who was reproved by his own Ass.' The bishop, in a reply, with great wit and calmness, exposed this rude attack, concluding thus : ' since the noble lord had discovered in our manners such a similitude, I am content to be com- pared to the prophet Balaam : but, my lords, I am at a loss to make out the other part of the parallel : where is the Ass ? I am sure I have been reproved by nobody but his lordship.' 546. — A ffw days since, a gentleman in Shrop- shire, observed two sailors very busy in lifting an ass over the wall of a pound, where it was confined. On asking the reason, the tars with true humanity of character, made the following reply : — ' Why, lookee, master, we saw this here animal aground without grub . and so my messmate and I agreed to cut his cable, and set him adrift, because we have known before now, what it is to be on short allowance.' 547. — A Q'AKiR and a Baptist travelling in a sta^e-coach, the latter took every opportunity of ridiculing the former on account of his religious pro- JOE MILLER. 169 fession. At length, they came to a heath, where tha body of a malefactor, lately executed, was hanging in chains upon a gibbet. ' I wonder now,' said the Baptist, * what religion that man was of. — ' Per- haps,' replied the Quaker, coldly, ■ he was a Bapth, s and they have hung him up to dry.' 548. — ' Lady Rachel is put to bed,' said Sir Boyle to a friend. ■ What has she got V — ' Guess V ' A boy/ — ■ Xo ; guess again V — ' A girl.' — * Who told you V 549. — One of Sir Boyle Roche's children asked him, one day, ' Who was the father of George III. V ' My darling,' he answered, ■ it was Frederick, Prince of Wales, who would have been George III. if he had lived.' 550. — Dean Swift, having a shoulder of mutton, too much done, brought up for his dinner, sent for the cook, and told her to take the mutton down, and do it less. ■ Please your honour, I cannot do it less.' 1 But,' said the dean, ■ if it had not been done enough, you could have done it more, could you not?' — * Oh yes, Sir, very easily.' — ■ Why, then,' said the dean, ' for the future, when you commit a fault, let it be such a one as can be mended.' 551. — The first time that Henderson, the player, rehearsed a part at Drury-lane, George Garrick came into the boxes, saying, as he entered — ' I only come as a Spectator.' Soon after, he made some objection to Henderson's playing : and the new actor retorted — ' Sir, I thought you were only to be a Spectator ; you are turning TatlerS — ■ Never mind him, Sir,' said David Garrick, ' never mind him : let him be what he will, I will be the Guardian.' Sot. — Mr. Addison, though an elegant writer, was too diffident of himself, ever to shine as a public speaker. At the time of debating tne Union Act, in the House of Commons, he rose -w and, addressing himself to the speaker, said — « lit fi»aker, I con* I 17U JOE Mil LER. ceive' — he could go no farther ; then rising again, he said — ' Mr. Speaker, 1 conceive' — still unable to proceed, he sat down again. A third time, he arose, and was still unable to say any thing more than — 4 Mr. Speaker, I conceive'— when a certain young member, who was possessed of more effrontery and volubility, arose, and said — ' Mr. Speaker, I am sorry to find, that the honourable gentleman, over the way, has conceived three times, and brought forth nothing.' 5 >3. — Two gentlemen, the other day, conveising together, one asked the other, if ever he had gone through Euclid. The reply was—' I have never been farther from Liverpool than Iluncorn, and 1 don't recollect any place of that name between Li- verpool and there.' 554. — At a court martial on board the Gladiator, at Portsmouth, a sailor, who was giving his evidence, was asked by the president what religion he was of ? He replied — 'Please your honour, I'm a European.' This was spoken so mumblingly, owing to a quid of tobacco he had in his mouth, that the president, and, indeed, most of the court, understood him to say — 4 I'm of your opinion ;' but upon the question being repeated, he again answered — ' I'm a European !' The strangeness of this reply convulsed the whole court with laughter. —Admiral Duncan's address to the officers who came on board his ship for instructions, previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both laconic and humorous — ' Gentlemen, you see a se- vere winter approaching ; I have only to advise you to keep up a goodjire,' 556. — Si i ob Boai (the sleight of hand man) was accosted in the usual style by a retailer of oranges. ' Well, my lad,' says the sieur, ' how do you sell them?' — 'Two-pence a piece, Sir,' quoth the man. ■ High-priced, indeed,' rejoined the deceiver ; ' how- JOE MILLER. 171 ever, we'll try them.' Cutting an orange into four pieces — * Behold/ says the sieur (producing a new guinea from the inside of the orange), ' how your fruit repays me for your extortion. Come, I can afford to purchase one more/ and he repeated the same experiment as with the first. * Well, to be sure/ says he, ■ they are the first fruit I ever found to produce golden seeds.' The sieur then wished to come to terms for the whole basket ; but the asto- nished clodpole, with joyous alacrity, ran out of the house, and reaching home, began to quarter the con- tents of the whole basket. But, alas ! the seeds were no more than the produce of nature — the conjuror alone possessing the golden art. 557. — A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, under-writer at Lloyd's, was conversing one day with a friend in the coffee-house, on the subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, ' Do you know that I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy.'— ' The devil she is/ said he ; 1 well, I am glad that she has got into some port at last.' 558. —The following riddle is said to be the last production of Sheridan's witty pen : ' Sometimes with a head, sometimes without a head ; sometimes with a tail, sometimes without a tail ; sometimes with head and tail, sometimes without either ; and yet equally perfect in all situations. Answer — a wig.' 559. — A few years ago, one David Lloyd, a Welshman, who kept an inn at Hereford, had a liv- ing sow with six legs ; and the circumstance being publicly known, great numbers, of all descriptions, resorted to the house. It happened, that David had a wife, who was much addicted to drunkenness, and for which he used frequently to bestow on her a very severe drubbing. One day, in particular, having taken a second extra cup, which operated in a very powerful manner, and dreading the usual conse- 173 JOE MILLER. 3uences, she went into the yard, opened the stye- oor, let out the sow, and lay down in its place, hoping that a short unmolested nap would suffi- ciently dispel the fumes of the liquor. In the mean time, however, a company arrived to see the much- talked-of animal ; and Davy, proud of his office, ushered them to the stye, exclaiming — 'Did any of you ever see so uncommon a creature before V — ■ In- deed, Davy,' said one of the farmers, 4 1 never before observed a sow so very drunk in all my life !' Hence the term, drunk as David's sow, 560. — Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the man who has not any thing to boast of but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potatoe — the only good belong- ing to him is under ground. 561. — Mr. Eyton passing through Speenham- land, observed a fellow placed in the stocks. ' My friend,' said he, ' I advise you by all means to sell out.' — ' I should have no objection, your honour,' he replied drily, ' but at present they seem much too low.' 562. — When Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, curiosity drew numbers to the gaol to see the man loaded with irons, who had long been a terror to the country. Among others, was a banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest estimation, who assured the f>risoner that he was very glad to see him there at ast. Brennan, looking up, replied, ■ Ah ! Sir ! I did not expect that from you : for you know, that, when all the country refused your notes, I took them.' 563. — A ladv remarking to a bookseller that she had just got Crabbes Tales, and thought them excel- lent ; another lady heard the observation with asto- nishment, and, on the departure of the speaker, asked the bookseller, with a very grave face, * If he could tell her how the crab's tails were dressed, as she was very desirous of tasting them.' JOE MILLER. 173 564. — A gentleman staying late one night at the tavern, his wife sent his servant for him about twelve: ■ John,' said he, ' go home and tell your mistress, it can be no more.' The man returned, by his mis- tress's order, again at one, the answer then was, ' it could be no less.' — ' But, Sir,' said the man, ■ day has broke.' — ' With all my heart,' replied the master, * he owes me nothing.' — ■ But the sun is up, Sir.' — ■ And so he ought to be, John, ought he not? He has farther to go than we have, I am sure.* 565. — Dominico, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. at supper, fixed his eyes on a dish of partridges. The king, who was fond of his acting, said, ' Give that dish to Dominico.' — ' And the par- tridges too, sire?' Louis, penetrating into the artful- ness of the question, replied, ■ and the partridges too.' The dish was gold. 566. — Curious Extract from the Log Book of Thomas Parker, who lately died in America, and who was an active Naval Officer during the late War. 1 First part of the voyage* pleasant, with fine breezes and free winds — all sail set. Spoke many vessels in want of provisions — supplied them freely. •Middle passage. — Weather variable — short of provisions — spoke several of the above vessels our supplies had enabled to refit — made signals of dis- tress — they up helm and bore away.f 1 Latter part. — Boisterous, with contrary winds — current of adversity setting hard to leeward — towards the end of the passage it cleared up — with the qua- drant of honesty had an observation — corrected and made up my reckoning — and, after a passage of fifty years, came to in Mortality Road, with the calm un- ruffled surface of the Ocean of Eternity in view/ • Alluding to the early part of his life. I Those whom he had formerly befriended, now, in his distress, refuse him assistance. 174 JOE MILLER. 567. — A Wblbh curate having preached several sermons, which were considered superior to his own powers of composition, was asked, by a friend, how he managed 1 He replied, ' Do you see, I have got a volume of sermons by one Tillotson, and a very good book it is ; so I translate one of the sermons into Welsh, and then back again into English ; after which the devil himself would not know it again.' 568. — George IV., on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered Sheridan, in his late life of that statesman, observed, ' I won't say that Mr. Moore has murdered Sheridan, but he has certainly attempted his life, 1 569.— The British sailors had always been accus- tomed to drink their allowance of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those under his command to mix it with water. Tliis innovation gave great offence to the sailors, and, for a time, rendered the commander very unpopular among them. The admiral, at that time, wore a grogram coat, for which reason they nick-named him, ■ Old Grog ;' hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor he constrained them to, universally obtained among them the name of Gtfig, 570 — A foolish stage-struck youth ran away from his friends, and got amongst a most low and miserable set of strollers. A relation, after a time, discovered him just as he was going on the stage in King Richard: and, on reading him a pretty severe lecture on his folly and disobedience, received an • er suitable to all the ridiculous consequence and * ned pomp of a mock monarch. To which he answered, • These are fine lofty words, but 'tis a I pity, Mr. King Richard, that you could not afford to buy a better pair of shoes.' The actor, look- ing at his toes, which were staring him in the face, without losing his vivacity, cried, ' Shoes ! O, Sir, shoes are things we kings don't stand upon! !' ^J MILLER. 175 5^1*— A schoolmaster asked one of his boys, on & sharp wintry morning, what was Latin for cold ? The boy hesitated a little — ' What, sirrah,' said he, ' cannot you tell V — * Yes, yes,' replied the boy, ■ I have it at mujingers' ends.' 57'2. — While the Eddystone light-house was erecting, a French privateer took the men upon the lock, together with their tools, and carried them to France ; and the captain was in expectation of a re- ward for the achievement. While the captives lay in prison, the transaction reached the ears of Louis XIV. when he immediately ordered them to be re- leased, and the captors put in their places — declar- ing, that ■ though he was at war with England, he was not so with all mankind.' He directed the men io be sent back to their work, with presents — ob- serving, ' that the Eddystone light-house was so si- tuated as to be of equal service to all nations having occasion to navigate the channel between England and France.' 573. — A dashing foreman to a tailor in Glasgow, having got a holiday to go to see his majesty, and dining in a mixed company, wished to impress those present with the immense importance of his services to his employers. ■ Though I say it, that should not say it,' quoth Snip, * if it was not for me our people could not carry on their business.' — ' I can very well believe you,' said one of the party, ■ I never yet heard of a tailor who could carry on his business without his goose.' 574. — Mr. Scott, of Exeter, travelled on business till about eighty years of age. He was one of the most celebrated characters in this kingdom for punc- tuality, and by his methodical conduct, joined to uniform diligence, he gradually amassed a large for- tune. For a long series of years, the proprietor of every inn he frequented in Devon and Cornwall knew the day, and the very hour he would arrive. A short 176 JOE Mill FR. time before he died, a gentleman, on a journey in Cornwall, stopped at a small inn at Port Isaac to dine. The waiter presented him with a bill of fare, which he did not approve of; but observing a fine duck roasting, ' I '11 have that,' said the traveller. • You cannot, Sir,' said the landlord, ' it is for Mr. Scott, of Exeter.' — ' I know Mr. Scott very well,' rejoined the gentleman, ' he is not in your house.' — 'True, Sir,' said the landlord, 'but six months ago, when he tras here last, he ordered a duck to be ready for him this day, precisely at two o'clock ;' and, to the astonishment of the traveller, he saw the old gentle- man on his Rosinante jogging into the inn yard about five minutes before the appointed time. 575. — A French priest, who had usually a very small audience, was one day preaching at the church in his village, when, the doors being open, a gander and several geese came stalking up the middle aisle. The preacher, availing himself of the circumstance, observed, that he could no longer find fault with his district for non-attendance ; because, though they did not come themselves, they sent their representa- tives. 576. — A person who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa, was asked if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. ' As a proof of the possibility of it,' said he, ' I have known some negroes that thought as little of a lie or an oath as any Euro- pean.' A modern writer of travels, records, that in one of his peregrinations he traversed a wide extent of un- cultivated regions, but at last perceived a gibbet, * the sight of which,' says he, ■ gave me infinite pleasure, as it proved that I was in a civilized country.' 577. — One evening at Oxford, Dr. Johnson was present at a private party, when, among other topics, an essay on the future life of brutes was mentioned, and a gentleman present was inclined to support the JOK MILLER. 177 author's opinion, that the lower animals have an ' immortal part.' He familiarly remarked to the doctor — ' Really, Sir, when we see a very sensible dog, we don't know what to think of him.' Upon which, Johnson, turning quickly round, replied — ' True, Sir ; and when we see a very foolish fellow, we don't know what to think of him.' 578. — A person who dined in company with Dr. Johnson, endeavoured to make his court to him by laughing immoderately at every thing he said. The Doctor bore it for some time with philosophical in- difference ; but the impertinent ha, ha, ha! becom- ing intolerable, ' Pray, Sir,' said the doctor, ' what is the matter ? I hope I have not said any thing that you can comprehend.' 579. — An eminent carcase butcher, as meagre in his person as he was in his understanding, being one day in a bookseller's shop, took up a volume of Churchill's poems, and by way of shewing his taste, repeated the following line : — ■ Who rules o'er freemen should himself be free.' Then turning to Dr. Johnson — ■ What think you of that, Sir?' said he. ' Rank nonsense,' replied the other, ' it is an assertion without a proof, and you might, with as much propriety, say : — * Who slays fat oxen should himself be fat/ 580. — The following note was written by a book- seller in Germany, to one of his authors : — ■ I have just received half a dozen lean octavos, which you must fatten up to as many quartos, for the Leipsic fair. I send you a large quantity of paste, and a new pair of scissors.' 581. — Lately, a lady, bargaining for a haddock with a fisherman, inquired when the fish had been caught? ' This morning, madam,' said the owner of the haddock. ■ You lie,' replied a voice, which 12 178 JOB MILLER. seemed *o issue from the gills of one of the fish ; 'it is three days ago since I was caught, and two days since you stole me from Dick Potter ; and I am now stinking.' This speech, which had been uttered by a celebrated ventriloquist, who at that instant was passing by, so amazed the lady, that she retired in terror, and closed the hall-door as she withdrew into her house, lest the speaking fish might enter with her. 582. — A witness in the Court of King's Bench, being cross-examined by Mr. Garrow, that learned gentleman asked him, if he was not a fortune-teller? 1 1 am not/ answered the witness : ■ but if every one had his due, I should have no difficulty in telling your fortune.' — ' Well, fellow !' says Mr. Garrow, 1 pray what is to be my fortune?' — ' Why, Sir,' re- joined the witness, ' I understand you made your first speech at the Old Bailey, and I think it is pro- bable that you will there make your last speech.' 583. — ' Sancho,' said a dying planter to his slave, 1 for your faithful services, I mean now to do you an honour, and I leave it in my will that you shall be buried in our family ground ! — 'Ah, massa !' replied Sancho, * Sancho no good to be buried ; Sancho rather have de money or de freedom ; besides, if de devil should come in de dark to look for massa, he might mistake, and take de poor Negar man !' 584. — A gambler, on his death-bed, having seri- ously taken leave of his physician, who told him that he could not live beyond eight o'clock next morning, exerted the small strength he had left to call the doctor back ; which having accomplished with diffi- culty, for he could hardly exceed a whisper — ' Doc- tor,' said he, » I'll bet you five guineas I live till nine.' 585. — A brandy merchant, who had just received intelligence of the failure of a house which stood in- debted to him upwards of five hundred pounds for '■um and brandy, coming into company, appeared somewhat defected, whereupon, one o* the gentlemen JOE MILLKR. 179 present asked him if he was not well — ' O, yes,' re- plied another, ' he 's very well, only he has lost his spirits ' 586. — A certain sea captain, who had a consi- derable interest with his brother officers, and the cook aboard his vessel, were once to be tried for an of- fence against the laws of the navy, of such a nature as put their lives in some jeopardy. The cook dis- played every mark of fear and apprehension for his safety. The captain, on the contrary, seemed in very good spirits, and said, ' Cheer up, man, why should you be cast down ! I fear nothing, and why should you?' — ' Why, faith, your honour.' replied the fellow, ' I should be as courageous as you are, if we were to be tried by a jury of cooks.' 587. — An Irishman saw the sign of the Rising Sun near the Seven Dials, and underneath was wrote, A. Moon, the man's name who kept it being Aaron Moon. The Irishman thinking he had discovered a just cause for triumph, roais out to his companion, 4 Only see, Feilim ! see here ! they talk of the Irish bulls ; only do but see now ! here's a fellow puts up the Rising Sun, and calls it A Moon.* 588. — Two old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same desire to keep the real number concealed ; one therefore used always upon a New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, ' Madam, I am come to know how old we are to be this year.' 589. — When George Alexander Stevens was a first actor in the Norwich company, he performed the part of Horatio, in the * Fair Penitent.' The Calista was a Mrs. B , who had been long the celebrated horoine in tragedy, and the lady in high life in co- medy. Mrs. B., in her decline, sacrificed too often to the intoxicating god. In proportion as the action of the play advanced towards a conclusion, by en- deavouring to raise her spirits with a cheerful glass, she became totally unfit to represent the character. 100 JOR MILLER. In her last scene of Calista, it was so long before she died, that George, after giving her several gentle hints, cried out, ■ Why don't you die, you fool V She retorted, as loud as she could, ' You robbed the Bristol mail, you dog !' This spirited dialogue so diverted the audience, that much clapping ensued. The manager seeing no end of this merry business, dropt the curtain, and put an end to the tumult. 590. The emperor Charles V. having one day lost himself in the heat of the chase, and wandered in the forest far from his train, after much fatigue in trying to find a route, came at last to a solitary hedge ale-house, where he entered to refresh himself, On coming in, he saw four men, whose mien presaged him no good ; he however sat down and called for something. These men pretending to sleep, one of them rose, and, approaching the emperor, said, he had dreamt that he took his hat: and accordingly took it off. The second, saying, he had dreamt he had taken his coat, took that also. The third, with a like prologue, took his waistcoat. And the fourth, with much politeness, said, he hoped there would be no objection to his feeling his pockets ; and seeing a chain of gold about his neck, whence hung his hunt- ing-horn, was about to take that too. But the em- peror said, ' Stop, my friend, I dare say you cannot blow it ; I will teach you.' So putting the horn to his mouth, he blew repeatedly, and very loud. His people, who searched for him, heard the sound, and, entering the cottage, were surprised to see him in such a garb. ' Here are four fellows,' said the em- peror, ' who have dreamt what they please : I must also dream in my turn.' Sitting down, and shutting his eyes a little while, he then started up, saying, 'I have dreamt that I saw four thieves hanged ;' and immediately ordered his dream to be fulfilled, the master of the inn being compelled to be their exe- cutioner. JOE MILLER. 181 591. — During the reign of James II., when the king was much disliked for his oppression, and the number of taxes imposed on the people, his majesty, in the progress of a tour, stopt at Sudbury, in Suf- folk, when the corporation resolved to address him ; but, as the mayor did not possess much literature, it was settled that the town-clerk should be his prompter. Being introduced to the presence, the town-clerk whispered to the trembling mayor, ■ Hold up your head, and look like a man.' His worship, mistaking this for the beginning of a speech, repeated aloud to the king, ■ Hold up your head, and look like a man. 1 The town-clerk, in amaze, again whispered him, ■ What do you mean by this, Sir?' The mayor, in the same manner, repeated, ' What do you mean by this, Sir V The town-clerk, alarmed, whispered still more earnestly, ' I tell you, Sir, you'll ruin us all/ The mayor, still imagining this to be part of his speech, concluded his matchless performance with, * / tell you, Sir, you 11 ruin us a//.' 5^2 — That sort of rhetoric is best which is most reasonable and catching. An instance we have in that old commander at Cadiz, who proved a good orator. Being to say something to his soldiers (which he was not used to do), he made them a speech to this pur- pose : 'What a shame would it be, you English- men, that feed upon good beef and beer, to let those rascally Spaniards beat you, that eat nothing but oranges and lemons.' And thus he put more courage into his men than he could have done by a learned oration. 598. — A poor woman, understanding that Dr. Goldsmith was a physician, and hearing of his great humanity, solicited him, by letter, to send her some- thing for her husband, who had lost his appetite, and was reduced to a most melancholy state. The good- natured poet waited on her instantly, and, after some discoiwse with Ms patient, found him sinking with 182 JOE MILLER. sickness and poverty. The doctor told the honest pair that they should hear from him in an hour, when he would send him some pills, which he be- lieved would prove efficacious. He immediately went home, and put ten guineas into a chip-box, with the following label : ' These must be used as necessities require : be patient, and of good heart.' He sent his servant with this prescription to the comfortless mourner, who found it contained a remedy superior to any thing Galen, or his disciples, could ever ad- minister. 594. — ' What have you got to say, old Bacon- face?' said a counsellor to a farmer, at a late Cam- bridge Assizes. ■ Why,' answered the farmer, ' I am thinking my Bacon-face and your Calfs-head would make a very good dish !' 595 — Thi late celebrated penurious H. Jennings, Esq. of Acton Place, who was reputed to be the richest commoner in England, when at the age of 92, was applied to by one of his tenants, then in the 80th year of his age, to renew his lease for a further term of 14 years, when, after some general observa- tions, Mr. Jennings coolly said, ' Take a lease for c 2\ years, or you wilt be troubling me again V and this was accordingly granted. 596. — The Hibernian schoolmaster, settled in a village near London, who advertised that he intended to keep a Sunday school twice a week, Tuesday and Thursday, reminds us of the mock mayor of a place in the west, who declared, on his election, that he was resolved to hold his quarter-sessions monthly, 597. — An'ho Gi mm i.e, was called the ' King of the beggars,' and was very fond of playing off little jeux d'esprits of his own formation. Once, as a priest was going to his church, he espied An'ro on the road, seemingly in the most profound meditation, ponder- ing deeply, ' with leaden eye that loves the ground,' on something lying in the way, and stepping seriously JCE MILLER. 183 round it. The clergyman came up, and said — * Well, An'ro, what's this that seems to be puzzling you so? For my part, I see nothing but a horse-shoe on the road.' — * Dear me,' returned the Gaberlun- zie, with uplifted hands, • what disna that lair do — I ha'e glour'd at that shoe now the best part o' hauf an hour, and deil take me gif I cud say whether it was a horse-shoe or a mare-shoe.' This is Walter Scott's Eddie Ochiltree. 598. — The late General Scott, so celebrated for his success in gaming, was one evening playing very deep with the Count D'Artois and the Duke de Chartres, at Paris, when a petition was brought up from the widow of a French officer, stating her va- rious misfortunes, and praying relief, a plate was handed round, and each person put in one, two, or three louisd'ors ; but when it was held to the general, who was going to throw for a stake of jOO louis d'ors, he said — ' Stop a moment, if you please, Sir, here goes for the widow !' The throw was successful, and he instantly swept the whole into the plate, and sent it down to the astonished petitioner. 599. — A Philadelphia paper relates the follow- ing laughable occurrence : — A prisoner, at the bar at the Mayor's Court, in that city, being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man im- mediately held up his left hand. • Hold up your right hand,' said the clerk. * Please your honour,' said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, ■ I am left handed.' 600. — Soon after Lord Kenyon was appointed Master of the Rolls, he was listening very attentively to a young clerk, who, reading to him, before a number of gentlemen of the long robe, the convey- ances of an estate, and on coming to the word enough, pronounced it enow. His lordship immediately in- terrupted him—' Hold ! hold! you must stawl cor- 184 JOE MILLER. rected ; enough is, according to the vernacular cus- tom, pronounced enuff, and so must all other Eng- lish words, which terminate in ough, as, for example, tough, rough, cough, &c.' The clerk bowed, blushed, and went on for some time ; when coming to the word plough, he, with a loud voice, and a penetrating look at his honour, called it pluff! The great lawyer stroked his chin, and, with a smile, candidly said — 1 Young man, I sit corrected, 1 601. — In the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, it may be remembered that the king's coach was attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic Hibernian, on that occasion, was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob. Soon after, to his no small surprise, he received a message from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met with a gracious reception from thermit wan, who, after prefacing a few encomiums on his active loyalty, desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to be advanced, his majesty having particularly noticed his courageous conduct, and being desirous to reward it. Pat scratched and scraped for a while, half thunderstruck — ■ The devil take me if I know what I'm fit for.' — ' Nay, my good fellow,' cried Harry, 'think a moment, and dinna throw yoursel out o' the way o' fortun.' Pat hesi- tated a moment, smirking as if some odd idea had strayed into his noddle — 4 I'll tell you what, mister, make a Scotchman of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll be no fear of my getting on.' The minister gazed awhile at the mat apropos wit — ' Make a Scotchman of you, Sir, that's impossible, for I can't give you prudence. 1 602. — Dr. BoKVXYf who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson, after his victory of the • , 'Honor est a Nilo' f Horatio Nelson), was shortly after on a visit to his lordship, at his beautiful villa at Merton. From his usual absence of mind, he neglected to put a night-cap into his portmanteau, JOE MILLER. 185 and consequently borrowed one from his lordship. Previously to his retiring to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common practice, having first put on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by finding it in flames ; he immediately collected the burnt remains, and returned them, with the following lines: — Take your night-cap again, my good lord, I desire, I would not retain it a minute ; What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's fire, Is sure to be instantly in it. 603. — The celebrated Dr. Ward, was not more remarkable for his humanity and skill, than wit and humour. An old woman, 10 whom he had adminis- tered some medicines proper for a disorder under which she laboured, applied to him, with a com- plaint that she had not experienced any kind of ef- fect from taking them. ' No effect at all V says the doctor. * None in the least,' replies the woman. ' Why then you should have taken a bumping glass of gin.' — ' So I did, Sir.' — 'Well, but when you found that not succeed, you should have taken another.' — 4 So I did, Sir, and another after that.' — ' Oh, you did,' says the doctor ; ' aye, it is just as I imagined ; you complain that you found no effect in my pre- scription, after you confess yourself, that you swal- lowed gin enough to counteract any medicine in the whole system of physic.' 604. — A beauish marquis waited on some ladies, in order to take them to the Paris Observatory, where the celebrated Cassini was to observe an eclipse of the sun. The arrival of this party had been delayed by the toilet ; and the eclipse was over when the Eetit-maitre appeared at the door. He was informed e had come too late, and that all was past. ■ Never mind, ladies,' said he, ' step up ; Monsieur Cassini is a particular friend of mine ; he will be so obliging as to begin again for me.' 186 JOE MILLER. 605. — Some time ago Mr. , a most respect- able tradesman of Birmingham, discovered that his son, a boy of five years of age, was accustomed to ask. those gentlemen who came to his house to give him money, and immediately extorted a promise from him, under a threat of correction, that he would not do so any more. The next day Mr. , his father's partner, called, and the boy evaded a breach of his promise, by saying, ' Friend F. do thee know any who would lend me a penny, and not require it of me again V 606. — A stupid person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures of the table, said — 4 So, Sir, philosophers I see can indulge in the great- est delicacies.' — ■ Why not,' replied the other, 'do you think providence intended all the good things for the ignorant V 607. — A girl forced by her parents into a dis- agreeable match with an old man, whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her husband, said, with great simpli- city — ' Oh dear, no, Sir ; but you are the first per- son who has asked my opinion about the matter.' 608. — It was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other persons' tables, that he never opened his mouth but at another man's expense. 609. — A fire happening, not long since, at a public house, a man passing at the time entreated one of the firemen to play the engine upon a particular door, and backed his request by the bribe of a shil- ling. The fireman consequently complied, upon which the arch rogue exclaimed — ■ You've clone what 1 never could do— for, egad, you've liquidated my score /' 610. — Soon after the conclusion of the French war in Queen Elizabeth's time, a young pert officer, who had been but lately enlisted in the service, came to JOB .!/LLLK. 187 the ordinary at the Black Horse Inn, Holborn, where Major Johnston, a brave, rough, old Scotch officer, and one that feared the Lord, usually dined. The young gentleman, while at dinner, was venting some Yew tangled notions, and speaking, in the gaiety 01 nis humour, against the dispensations of Providence, when the major, at first, only desired him to speak more respectfully of One for whom all the company had an honour ; but finding him run on in his extra- vagance, began to reprimand him in a more serious manner. ' Young man,' said he, ' do not abuse your benefactor whilst you are eating his bread. Consider whose air you breathe, \%hose presence you are in, and who it is that gave you the power of that very speech which you make use of to his dishonour.' The young fellow, who thought to turn matters into a je>t, asked him if he was going to preach ; but at the same time desired him to take care what he said when he spoke to a man of honour. ' A man of honour,' said the major, ' thou art an infidel and a blasphemer, and I shall use thee as such.' In short, the quarrel ran so high, ihat the young officer chal- lenged the major. Upon their coming into the gar- den, the old fellow advised his antagonist to consider die place into which one pass might plunge him ; but on finding him to grow upon him to a degree of scurrility, as believing the advice proceeded from fear — ■ Sirrah,' said he, * if a thunderbolt does not strike thee dead before I come at thee, 1 shall not fail to chastise thee for thy profaneness to thy Maker, and thy sauciness to his servant.' Upon this he drew his sword, and cried out with a loud voice — ' The sword of the Lord and of Gideon !' which so terrified his antagonist, that he was immediately disarmed, and thrown upon his knees. In this posture he begged his life, but the major refused to giant it, be- fore he asked pardon in a short extemporary prayer, which the old gentleman dictated upon the spot, and 188 JOE MILLER. which his proselyte repeated to him in the presence of the whole ordinary that were then gathered about them in the garden, to their no small diversion. 611. — Munden, when confined to his bed by the gout, and unable to put his feet to the ground, being told by a friend that his dignified indisposition was the laugh of the Green room, pleasantly replied — 'Though I love to laugh, and make others laugh, yet I would much rather they would make me a stand- ing joke.' 612. — It is well known that the veterans who pre- side at the examinations of surgeons, question mi- nutely those who wish to become qualified. After answering very satisfactorily to the numerous in- quiries made, a young gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his patient a profuse perspiration what he would prescribe. lie mentioned many diaphoric medicines in case the first failed, but the unmerciful questioner thus continued — ' Pray, Sir, suppose none of those succeeded, what step would you take next 1" 1 Why, Sir,' enjoined the enraged and harassed young Esculapius, ' 1 would send him here to be examined j and if that did not give him a sweat, I do not know what would.' 613. — A learned doctor being very busy in his study, a little girl came to ask him for some fire. ■ But,' says the doctor, ' you have nothing to take it in.' As he was going to fetch something for that purpose, the little girl stooped down at the fire place, and taking some cold ashes in one hand, she put live embers on them with the other. The astonished doctor threw down his books, saying — ' With all my learning, I should never have found out that expe- dient.' 614. — The late LordClonmel, who never thought of demanding more than a shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it was a good one. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, JOE MILLER. 169 and he used the following extraordinary precaution to avoid being imposed upon, by taking a bad one — 1 You shall true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you, touching this affidavit, so help you God ! Kiss the book. — Is this a good shii- ling ? Are the contents of this affidavit true 1 Is this your name and hand-writing V 615. — A chimney sweeper's boy went into a baker's shop for a two-penny loaf, and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that he did not believe it was weight. ' Never mind that,' said the man of dough, ' you will have the less to carry.* * True,' replied the lad, and throwing three half-pence on the counter left the shop. The baker called after him that he had not left money enough. ' Never mind that,' said young sooty, * you will have the less to count.' 616. — When Mr. Sheridan first stood for Stafford, he made abundant promises to procure places for such electors as would vote for him j and, wonderful to relate ! he kept his word, for numbers of them were appointed to offices in Drury-lane theatre and the opera-house. By this munificence he gained his election ; but in a very short time he found opportu- nities to oblige new friends, most of the others being obliged to relinguish their situations from receiving no pay. 617. — The late Duke of Devonshire, who used to leave Brookes's, regularly, at a very late hour, in passing by the stall of a cobbler at the end of Jermyn- street, in his way home, always wished the cobbler a 1 good night ;' which the cobbler as regularly returned by wishing his grace a ■ good morning !' 618. — Lord KAMESused to relate a story of a man, who claimed the honour of his acquaintance on ra- ther singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened one night to sleep at Dunkeld. 190 JOB MILLFR. The next morning walking towards the ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a mao whom he met to conduct him. The other answered, with much cordiality — ■ That I will do with all my heart, my lord ; does not your lordship remember me ? My name 's John ; I have had the ho- nour to be before your lordship for stealing sheep !' — ■ Oh, John, I remember you well ; and how is your wife 1 she had the honour to be before me too, fot receiving them, knowing them to be stolen.' — ' At your lordship's service. We were very lucky, we got off for want of evidence ; and I am still going on in the butcher trade.' — ' Then,' replied his lordship, * we may have the honour of meeting again.' 619. — A fortune-teller was arrested at his theatre of divination, alfreseo, at the corner of the Rue de Bussy, in Paris, and carried before the tri- bunal of correctional police. ' You know how to read the future V said the president, a man of great wit, but too fond of a joke for a magistrate. * I do, M. le President,' replied the sorcerer. ' In this case,' said the judge, ' you know the judgment we intend to pronounce V — ' Certainly.' — 'Well, what will hap- pen to you?' — 'Nothing.' — 'You are sure of it?' — ' You will acquit me.' — ' Acquit you V — ' There is no doubt of it.' — ' Why?' — ' Because, Sir, if it had been your intention to condemn me, you would not have added irony to misfortune.' The president, dis- concerted, turned to his brother judges, and the sor- cerer was acquitted. 620. — Some time ago, as a lady, who possessed peat personal charms, was walking along a narrow lane, she perceived just behind her a hawker of earthenware driving an ass with two panniers laden with his stock in trade. To give the animal and his master room to pass, the lady suddenly started aside, which so frightened the poor animal that he ran away, but had not proceeded far when he unfortunately fell, JOB MILLER. 191 aud a gTeat part of the crockery was broken to pieces. The lady in her turn became alarmed, lest, when she came up to the man, he should load her with abuse, if not offer to insult her ; but, to her surprise, when she arrived at the spot, the man, with great good humour, gallantry, and wit, exclaimed — 'Nevermind, madam, Balaam's ass was frightened by an angel !* 621. — One morning a party came into the public rooms at Buxton, somewhat later than usual, and re- quested some tongue They were told that Lord Byron had eaten it all. ' I am very angry with his lordship,' said a lady, loud enough for him to hear the observation. ' I am sorry for it, madam,' retorted Lord Byron, * but before I ate the tongue, I was as- sured v«'" did not want it.' 6 C 22. — Mr. Pitt was disputing at a cabinet dinner on the energy and beauty of the Latin language. In support of the superiority which he affirmed it to have over the English, he asserted, that two nega- tives made a thing more positive than one affirmative possibjy could. ' Then,' said Thurlow, ' your father and mother must have been two complete negatives, to make such a positive fellow as you are.' 6 23. — It was with as much delicacy as satire, that Porson returned, with the manuscript of a friend, the answer, ■ That it would be read, when Homer and Virgil were forgotten, but not till then.' 6 C 24. — Sherid an inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on his inauguration to St. Stephen's chapel ; the son replied, that he in- tended to vote for those who offered best, and that in consequence he should wear on his forehead a label, ■ To let ;' to which the facetious critic rejoined, ■ I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, unfurnished.' 625. — On Mr. H. Erskine's receiving his appoint- ment to succeed Mr. Dundas, as justiciary in Scot- land he exclaimed that he must go and order his silk robe. ' Never mind,' said Mr. Dundas, ' for the short 192 JOE MILLF.R. time you will want it you had better borrow mine V — ■ No !' replied Erskine, * how short a time soever I may need it, heaven forbid that I commence my career by adopting the abandoned habits of my predecessor.' 626. — Lord B who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. O'Connel in Dublin, the hitter said, 4 When do you mean to place your whiskers on the peace establishment V — ' When you place your tongue on the civil list /' was the witty rejoinder. 627. — A mi end made Garrick a present of a case that contained a razor, a strap, and a shaving box ; and telling him that he would find some other pretty little things in it. * I hope,' said Garrick, ' as I cannot shave myself, that one of them is a pretty little barber.' 628. — David Garrick was once on a visit at Mr. Rigby's seat, Mistley Hall, Essex, when Dr. Gough formed one of the party. Observing the potent ap- petite of the learned Doctor, Garrick indulged in some coarse jests on the occasion, to the great amuse- ment of the company, the Doctor excepted ; who, when the laugh had subsided, thus addresse'd the party : ■ Gentlemen, you must doubtless suppose from the extreme familiarity with which Mr. Garrick has thought fit to treat me, that I am an acquaintance of his ; but I can assure you, that, till I met him here, I never saw him but once before, and then I paid five shillings for the si^ht.' Koscius was silent late Duke of Norfolk was remarkably ' fond of his bottle. On a masquerade night, he con- sulted Foote as to what character he should appear in. ' Don't go disguised,' said Foote, ' but assume a new chin vtbtrJ 6:30. — As Burke was declaiming with great anima- tion against Hastings, he was interrupted by little or Scott. 'Am I,' said he, indignantly, ' to be teazed by the barking of this jackal, while I am at tacking the royal tiger of Bengal.' JOE MILLER. 193 631. — There is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of lord Clare, who curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, ■ O ! if that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my law books !' — * Better read them, my lord,' was the sarcastic and appropriate re- joinder. 6J i J.-- Dew Swift, among other eccentricities, determined upon having a feast once a year, in imi- tation of the Saturnalia in ancient Rome. In this project he engaged several persons of rank, and his plan was put in execution at the deanery-house. When all the servants were seated, and every gen- tleman placed behind his own servant, the Dean's footman, who presided, found fault with some meat which was not done 10 his taste ; and imitating his master on such occasions, threw it at him. But the Dean was either so mortified by the reproof, or so provoked at the insult, that he flew into a violent passion, beat the fellow, and dispersed the whole a->embly. — Thus abruptly ten; ,e Dean's Saturnalia. 600. — A gentleman, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after dinner introduced remarkably small hock glasses, and at length turning to Swift addressed him, — ' Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of hie, haBC, hoc, with you.' — ■ Sir,' rejoined the Doctor, ' I shall be happy to comply, but it must be out of a hujus glass.' 634. — Dean Swiff having preached an assize ser- mon in Ireland, was invited to dine with the judges: ind having in his sermon considered the use and abuse of the law, he then pressed a little hard upon those counsellors, who plead causes, which they knew in their consciences to be wrong. When dinner was over, and the glass began to go round, a young bar- rister retorted upon the dean ; and after several al- tercations, the counsellor asked him, 'If the devil were to die, whether a parson might not be found, who, J94 JOF MILLLIl. for money, would preach his funeral sermon I'— * Yes,' said Swift. 'I would gladly be the man, and I would then give the devil his due, as I have this day done his children.' 635. — Swift greatly admired the talents of the late Duke of Wharton: and hearing him. one day, recount many of his frolics, ' Ah, my lord,' said he, * you have had many frolics: but let me recommeud one more to you, Take a frolic to be virtuous. — I as- sure you it will do you more honour than all the rest.' 636. — A dispvtf happening to turn upon the ori- gin of whiggism, Dr. Johnson triumphantly chal- lenged Dr. Crowe to tell him who was the first whig • the latter finding himself a little puzzled, Johnson tauntingly rejoined. ' 1 see, Sir, that you are even ig- norant of the head of your own party, but I will tell you, Sir ; the devil was the first whig ; he was the first reformer : he wanted to set up a reform even in heaven!' Dr. Crowe calmly replied, 'I am much obliged to you for your information, and I certainly did not foresee that you would go so far back for your authoiity.' -Dr. Rohfrtson observed, that Johnson's jokes were the rebukes of the righteous, described in scripture as being like excellent oil. ' Yes,' exclaim- ed Burke, ' oil of vitriol !' — Fooi i being in company, and the ' Tuscan grape' producing more riot than concord, he observed gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle at his antagonist's head, upon which, catching the missile in his hand, he restored the harmony of the company, by observing that ' if the bottle was quickly, not one of them would be able to stand out the evening.' 6.59. — When the repeal of the Test Act was agi- tated in the house, a deputation from the Dissenters • d on 1 ord Thurlow to solicit his vote, he lis- tened to a long harangue with much patience ; when JOE MILIF.R. 195 ♦t was finished, he rose up, and addressed them, — * Gentlemen, you have called on me to request my vote for the repeal of the Test Act. Gentlemen, I shall not vote for the repeal of the Test Act. I care not whether your religion has the ascendancy, or mine, or any, or none; but this I know, that when you were uppermost, you kept ?<* down, and now that tre are uppermost, with God's help, we will keep you down.' 640. — Mr. Rogers was requested by T.adv Hol- land to ask Sir Philip Francis, whether he was the author of Junius, The poet approached the knight, 1 Will you, Sir Philip, — will your kindness excuse my addressing to you a single question V — ■ At your peril, Sir!' was the harsh and the laconic answer. The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked him the result of his application. * I don't know,' he answered, ' whether he is Junius ; but, if he be, he is certainly Junius Brutus.' 641 . — On the Duke of York's horse Moses winning a match at Ascot, his royal highness appeared to look very thoughtful. A spectator asked Mr. Hunt, who happened to be present, what he supposed the royal sportsman could then be pondering on ? ' Why, you know,' replied Mr. H. ■ that the duke is a bishop, and he is doubtless thinking of Moses and the profits.' 6\ < H. — A Corsica n, the leader of a gang of ban- ditti, who had long been famous for his exploits, was at length taken, and committed to the care of a sol- dier, from whom he contrived to escape. The soldier was tried, and condemned to death. At the place of execution, a man, coming up to the commanding of- ficer, said — 'Sir, I am a stranger to you, but you shall soon know who I am ; I have heard that one of your soldiers is to die for having suffered a prisoner to escape — he was not at all to blame — besides, the prisoner shall be restored to you. Behold him here, I am the man. I cannot bear that an innocent mau 196 J0£ MILLER. should be punished for me, and I am come to die my- self ' — ' No,' cried the French officer, who felt as he ought the sublimity of the action, ' thou shalt not die, and the soldier shall be set at liberty. Endea- vour to reap the fruits of thy generosity ; thou de- servest to be henceforth an honest man.' 643. — Whiston was a pensioner of Queen Caro- line, who sometimes admitted him to the honour of her conversation, and paid the pension with her own hands. One day, she said to him — * Mr. Whiston, I understand you are a free speaker, and honestly tell people of their faults ; no one is without faults, and I wish you would tell me of mine :' and she pressed him to do so. He was still upon the reserve ; she pressed him the more. ■ Well,' said he, ' since your majesty insists upon it, I must obey you. There are abundance of people who come out of the coun« try, every spring, to London, and they naturally de- sire to see the king and queen, and have not any op- portunity of seeing your majesties so conveniently as at the Chapel Royal ; but these country folks, who are not used to such things, when they see your ma- jesty talking with the king almost all the time of divine service, are perfectly astonished, and depart, with strange impressions, into their respective coun- tries, and make their reports there (let me tell you) not at all to your majesty's honour.' — ■ I am sorry for it,' answered the queen ; ■ I believe there may be too much truth in what you say ; but pray, Mr. Whis- ton, tell me of another fault.' — ' No, madam,' said he, * one at a time ; let me see you mend of this be- fore I tell you of another.' 644. — The haughty Solyman, Emperor of the Turks, in his attack on Hungary, took the city of Belgrade, which was considered as the bulwark of Christendom. After this important conquest, a wo- man of low rank approached him, and complained bitterly, that some ot his soldiers had carried off her JOE MIL! ER. 197 cattle, in which consisted her sole wealth. ' You must then have been in a deep sleep,' said Solyman, smiling, ' if you did not hear the robbers.' — 4 Yes, my sovereign,' replied the woman, ' 1 did sleep soundly, but it was in the fullest confidence that your highness watched for the public safety.' The emperor, who had an elevated mind, far from resent- ing this freedom, made the poor woman ample amends for the loss she had sustained. 645. — In a country news-room, the following no- tice is written over the chimney : — 4 Gentlemen learn- ing to spell are requested to use yesterday's pa; 646. — About the year 176 L 2. a colonel in command in the West-Indies, was ordered to disembark his corps for the attack of one of the islands. In step- ping into a boat, he fell overboard, and the current was carrying him rapidly from the ship, when an ho- nest tar jumped after him, kept him afloat till a boat was despatched to his assistance, and put him on board again in safety. One of Jack's messmates, having observed the colonel put something into the hands of his deliverer, stepped up to him, and exclaimed — • Damme, Jack, you're in luck to day, aye !' and eagerly opening his hand, expected at least to share in a can of grog ; but, on discovering the generous reward, a sixpence, the tar uttered a prayer, and whis- pered his messmate — 4 Never mind, Jack, every man knows the value of his life best.' 647. — A West-Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, sleeping in his chair, a negro-boy, who was in waiting, observed a musquito hovering about his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively, and at last saw him alight upon his master's nose, and immediately fly off again. — 'Ah!' exclaimed the negro, ' me glad to see you burn your foot.* 648. — In the early period of the history of Metho- dism, some of Mr. Wesley's opponents, in the excess of their zeal against enthusiasm took up a whole 1'8 JOE MILLER. waggon load of methodists, and carried them before a magistrate. When they were asked, what these {>ersons had done, there was an awkward silence ; at ast, one of the accusers said — ' Why, they pretended to be better than other people ; and besides, they prayed from morning till night.' The magistrate asked if they had done any thing else. ■ Yes, Sir,' said an old man, ' an't please your worship, they convarted my wife ; till she went among them, she had such a tongue, and now she is as quiet as a lamb.' — ' Carry them back,' said the magistrate, ' and iet them convert all the scolds in the town.' 649. — When Admiral Haddock was dying, he call- ed his son, and thus addressed him — 4 Considering my rank in life, and public services for so many years, I shall leave you but a small fortune ; but, my boy, it is honestly got, and will wear well ; there are no seamen's wages or provisions, nor one single penny of pinch-gut money in it.' 650. — Sir Andrew Aonf.w, a Scotch baronet, was famous heretofore for giving broad hints. The na- ture of them will be best ascertained by the following anecdote. Sir Andrew having for some time been pestered by an impudent and impertinent intruder, it was one day remarked to the baronet, by a friend, that this man no longer appeared in his company, and asked how he contrived to get rid of him. ' In troth,' said the baronet, ' I was obliged to give the chteld a hrtmd hint.' — 'A broad hint,' replied the friend, * I thought he was one of those wno could not take a hint.' — ' By my faith, but he was forced to take it,' answered Sir Andrew, 4 for, as the fellow would not gang out of the door, I threw him out of the window.' 6M. — A Russian officer, named Valensky, who had a command in the Persian expedition, had once I beaten by the Emperor Peter's order, mistaking »im for another. * Well,' says Peter, ' 1 am sorry JOE MILLER. 199 for it, but you will deserve it one day or other, and then remind me that you are in arrears with me ;' which accordingly happened upon that very expedi- tion, and he was excused. 65'2. — A healthy old gentleman was once asked by the king, what physician and apothecary he made use of to look so well at his time of life — ' Sire,' re- plied the gentleman, ■ my physician has always been a horse, and my apothecary an 653. — A gentleman at Paris amusing himself in the gallery of the Palais Royal, observed, while he was carelessly looking over some pamphlets at a bookseller's shop, a suspicious fellow stand rather too near him. The gentleman was dressed, accord- ing to the fashion of the times, in a coat with a pro- digious number of silver tags and tassels, upon which the thief began to have a design ; and the gentleman, not willing to disappoint him, turned his head another way, to give him an opportunity. The thief imme- diately set to work, and, in a trice, twisted off seven or eight of the silver tags. The gentleman perceived it ; and, drawing out a penknife, caught the fellow by the ear and cut it off close to his head. ' Murder ! murder !' cries the thief. ' Robbery ! robbery !' cries the gentleman. Upon this the thief, in a passion, throwing them at the gentleman, roared — 'There are your tags and buttons.' — ' Very well,' says the gen- tleman, throwing it back in the like manner, ' there is your ear.' 654. — When Earl Spencer was a boy, he called at an inn at St. Albans, where he had frequently stopped, and observing that the landlord looked unusually dejected, asked him the cause. After some hesitation, the landlord said, ' That affairs ran cross, his creditors w^ere severe, and he should be soon obliged to shut up his house.' — ' That is a pity,' said the young nobleman ; ' how much money will be required to reinstate you V — ' Oh, your ho 200 JOt MILLER. nour, a great sum ; not less than a thousand pounds.' — ■ And would that sum perfectly answer the pur- pose V — ' It would, Sir ; and I would honestly repay any gentleman who would be generous enough to advance it/ Young Spencer said no more, but or- dering his horses to his carriage, posted back to Lon- don, and going instantly to his guardian, told him he wanted a thousand pounds. ' A thousand pounds, Sir !' said the guardian, ' it is a large sum. May I ask to what purpose it is to be applied V — ' No pur- pose of extravagance, upon my honour, but I will not tell you to what use it is to be destined. ' The guardian refused to advance the cash. The young gentleman hurried to his relations, and made his com- plaint ; a consultation was held, and it was at length agreed to let him have the money, without demand- ing the mode in which he intended to dispose of it. He carried it immediately to the distressed landlord, whose business was conducted with fresh vigour, and his inn has been since one of the most capital in England. 655. — Lord Nelson and Mr. Pitt could never agree. It was told Nelson, that Pitt said — ' He was the greatest fool he ever knew when on shore.' — ' Jle speaks truth,' said the hero, ' and I would soon prove him to be a fool if I had him on board of ship ; nevertheless, I am as clever an admiral as he is a statesman, which is saying a great deal for myself.' He disliked the man, but honoured his great talents. 656. — A sailor, who had not seen the inside of a church for some time, Ftrolled into that of Portlock, in Somersetshire, just as the minister ascended the pulpit, who gave out for his text, ' Wilt thou go with me to Ilamoth Gilead, to battle?' which being twice repeated, the tar, with some warmth, rose up, and exclaimed — ' What, do none of you answer the gentleman ? For my part, if nobody else will go, I'll go with him myself, with all my heart.' JOE MILLFR. 201 657. — About the time when Murphy so success- fully attacked the stage-struck heroes in the pleasant farce of * The Apprentice,' an eminent poulterer went to a spouting-club in search of his servant, who, he understood, was that evening to make his debut in Lear, and entered the room at the moment he was exclaiming — ' I am the king ; you cannot touch me for coining.' — ' No, you dog,' cried the en- raged master, catching the mad monarch by his collar, * but I can for not picking the du 658. — Lose Melville told a pleasant story, rather at his own expense, at a cabinet dinner. Some time ago he sent for Townshend, the Bow- street officer, who, from the line marked out by his lordship, then secretary of state, made a useful and singular dis- covery. Townshend, surprised at the sagacity of the right honourable gentleman, could not abstain from expressing his admiration, by assuring him, that, with ■ a very little instruction, he would, in a fortnight, make the best thief- tuker in the kingdom.' 659. — Reynolds, the dramatist, observing to Mar- tin the thinness of the house at one of his own plays, added — 'He supposed it was owing to the u.ar.' — ' No,' replied the latter, ' it is owing to the piece.* 660. — A physician being sent for, by a maker of universal specifics, Expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. ' Not so trifling neither,' replied the quack, ' for, to tell you the truth, I have taken some of my own pills.' 661. — Philip, king of Macedon, having drank too much wine, happened to determine a cause unjustly, to the prejudice of a poor widow, who, when she heard his decree, boldly cried out — ' I appeal to Philip sober.' The king, struck with the peculiarity of the event, recovered his senses, heard the cause afresh, and, finding his mistake, ordered her to be paid, out of his own purse, double the sum she was to have lost This is an example worthy imitation. K2 202 JOF MILLER. 662. — The Neapolitans in general hold drunken- ness in very great abhorrence. — A story is told the$ of a nobleman, who, having murdered another in fit of jealousy, was condemned to suffer death. His life was offered to him on the sole condition of say- ing, that when he committed the deed he was intoxi- cated. He received the offer with disdain, and ex- claimed — ■ I would rather suffer a thousand deaths, than bring eternal disgrace on my family, by con- fessing the disgraceful crime of intoxication.' He persisted, and was executed. 663. — An officer of one of the ships at Spithead, having occasion to send to his country-house in great haste a few days since, despatched a sailor on horse- back with a letter, who, after delivering it, and being refreshed, and the horse fed, went to the stable to prepare for his return. A bye-stander observed to him, ■ that he was putting on the saddle the hind part before.' The sailor replied — * How do you know which way I am going to ride V 664. — Louis XL, when young, used to visit a pea- sant, whose garden produced excellent fruit. Soon after he ascended the throne, this peasant waited on him with his little present, a turnip, the produce of his own garden, of an extraordinary size. The king, smiling, remembered the hours of pleasure he had passed with him, and ordered a thousand crowns to t>e given to him. The lord of the village hearing of this liberality, thought within himself — 4 If this pea- sant gets a thousand crowns for a turnip, I have only to present his majesty with a handsome horse, and my fortune is made.' Arriving at court, he requested the king's acceptance of one. Louis highly praised *he steed, and the donor's expectations were raised to the utmost, when the king exclaimed — 4 Bring me my turnip!' and added, as he presented it to the nobleman, ' There, this cost me a thousand crowns I give it you in return for your horse.' MILLER. 203 665. — When Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that, probably, the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the honour. ' Well, but,' said Lord 8.. 1 perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like it.' — ■ Then let the king knight her,' answered the rough seaman. 666. — Henry III. of France could not bear to be alone in a chamber where there was a cat. The brave Due d'Epernon fell into a swoon at the sight of a rabbit. The Mareschal A Iways taken ill upon the bringing of a pig to the table. Ladislaus, king of Poland, began to run as often as he perceiv- ed an apple. Erasmus could not smell fish without becoming feverish. Scaliger was seized with a tremor at the sight of water-cresses. Tvcho Brahe could scarcely support himself on his legs if a hare or fox happened to start up where he ry eclipse of the moon threw the Chancellor Bacon into a faint- ing fit. Boyle was seized with an ecstacv at the sound of water running from a pipe. La Mothe le Vayer could not endure the notes of any musical in- strument, but felt the most lively pleasure whenever it thundered. An Englishman fainted away as often as he heard the fifty-third chapter of Isaiah. 667. — Sir Peter Lfly, a famous painter, in the reign of Charles I., agreed for the price of a full- length, which he was to draw for a rich alderman of London, who was not indebted to nature either for shape or face. When the picture was finished, the ilderman endeavoured to beat down the price ; al- leging, that if he did not purchase it, it would lay on the painter's hands. 4 That's your mistake,' replied Sir Peter, 4 for I can sell it at double the price I demand.' — ' How can that be V says the alderman ; 4 for it is like nobody but myself.' — ' But 1 will draw a tail to it, and then it will be an excellent monkey * Mr. Alderman, to prevent exposure, paid the sum agreed for, and carried off the picture- 204 JOli MILI.BR. 0(8. — A Quaker, a few years ago, having been cited as an evidence at a Quarter Sessions, one of the magistrates, who had been a blacksmith, desired to know why he would not take off his hat. * It is a privilege,' said the witness, ' that the laws and libe- rality of my country indulge people of our religious mode of thinking in.' — ' If I had it in my power,' said the justice, ■ 1 would have your hat nailed to your head.' — ? I thought,' said Obadiah, ■ that thou had'st given over the trade of driving nails.' 669. — Charles V., in his intervals of relaxation, used to retire to Brussels : he was curious to know the sentiments of his meanest subjects concerning himself, and his administration ; therefore often went out incog., and mixed himself in such companies and conversation as he thought proper. One night his boot requiring immediate mending, he was directed to a cobbler. Unluckily it happened to be on St.Crispin's holiday ; and instead of finding the cobbler inclined to work, he was in the height of his jollity among his acquaintance : the emperor acquainted him with what he wanted, and offered a handsome gratuity. * What, friend,' says the fellow, ' do you not know better than to ask any of our craft to work on St. Crispin ? Was it Charles V. himself, I'd not do a stitch for him now; but if you'll come in, and drink St. Crispin, do and welcome ; we are as merry as the emperor can be.' The sovereign accepted his offer ; but while he was contemplating on their rude pleasure, instead of joining in it, the jovial host thus accosted him — 1 What, I suppose you are some Courtier Politician, or other, by that contemplative phiz, nay, by your long nose, you may be a bastard of the emperor's — but be who, or what, you will, you're heartily welcome — drink about ; here's Charles the Fifth's health.' — * Then you love Charles the Fifth,' replied the em- peror. ' Love him !' says the son of Crispin ; ' aye, aye, I love his long noseship well enough ; but T JOL Mill ER. 205 snould love him much more, would he but tax us a little less ; but, what the devil have we to do with politics 1 Round with the glass, and merry be our hearts.' After a short stay, the emperor took his feave, and thanked the cobbler for his hospitable re- ception. ' That,' cried he. ' you're welcome to ; but 1 would not to-day have dishonoured St. Crispin to have worked for the emperor.' Charles, pleased with the honest good-nature and humour of the fellow, sent for him next morning to court. You must imagine his surprise, to see and hear that his late guest was his sovereign ! He ft his joke on his long nose must be punished with death. The emperor thanked him for his hospitality, and as a reward for it. bid him ask for what he doired, and take the whole night to settle his surpri>e and his ambiiion. Next day he appeared, and re- quested, that for the future, the cobblers of Flanders might bear for their arms a boot with the crown upon it. That request was granted ; and, as so moderate was his ambition, the emperor bid him make another. ' If,' says he, ' I am to have my utmost wishes, com- mand that, for the future, the company of cobblers shall take place of the company of shoe -makers.' It was accordingly so ordained, and, to this day, there is to be seen a chapel in Flanders adorned around with a boot, and an Imperial crown on it ; and, in all processions, the company of cobblers take place before the company of shoe-makers.' 670. — Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, was desired one night in company to make a pun extem- pore. 'Upon what subject]' said Daniel. — ' The king,' answered the other. — * Oh, Sir,' said he, ■ the king is no subject.' 671. — A father, exhorting his son to early rising, related a story of a person who, early one morning, found a large purse of money. ■ Well,' replied the youth, ' but the person who lost it rose earlier.' 206 JOE Mil LftHi 672. — Some sailors, who had made a great deal of prize-money, lately determined on purchasing a horse for the use of the mess ; accordingly, one of them was pitched upon to buy the horse. As soon as this honest tar got on shore, he went to a noted horse-dealer, who brought out a very clever-looking horse for the sailor's inspection, which he particu- larly recommended to him, as being a nice short- backed horse. ■ Aye, that may be,' said the sailor, ■ and that 's the very reason he wont do, for there 's seven of us.' 673. — A corpulent baronet, who piques himself upon his agility, exclaimed the other day, in the tone of exultation, to a witty friend — ' It is strange, Tom, that I should be so uncommonly active, is it not?' — 1 It only proves,' answered the wit drily, ' that two opposite qualities are combined, the form of the bear, with the alertness of the monkey.' 674. — A Cornish clergyman, having a dispute concerning several shares in different mines, found it necessary to send for a London limb of the law, to have some conversation with the witnesses, examine the title-deeds, view the premises, &c. The divine very soon found that his legal assistant was as great a rogue as ever was struck off the rolls. However, as he thought his knowledge might be useful, he shewed him his papers, took him to compare his sur- veyor's drawings with the situation of the pits, &c. When, in one of these excursions, the professional gentleman was descending a deep shaft, by means of a rope which he held tight in his hand, he called out to the parson, who stood at the top, ■ Doctor, as you have not confined your studies to geography, but know all things from the surface to the centre, pray, how far is it from this pit to that in the infernal re- gions V — ' I cannot exactly ascertain the distance/ replied the divine, ' but let go your hold, and you'll be then; in a minute.' JOK MILLTR. 207 67.5. — A few years ago were seated in a stage- coach a clergyman, a lawyer, and a respectable look- ing elderly person. The lawyer, wishing to quiz the clergyman, began to descant pretty fully on the ad- mission of many ill-qualified persons into the church. ' As a proof,' says he, ■ what pretty parsons we have, I once heard one read, instead of — " And Aaron made an atonement for the sins of the people" — "And Aaron made an ointment for the shins of the people. " ' — ' Incredible,' exclaimed the clergyman. — ' Oh/ replied the lawyer, * I dare say this gentleman will be able to inform us of something similar.' — ' That 1 can,' said the old gentleman, while the face of the lawyer brightened in triumph — * for I once was pre- sent in a country church where the clergyman, in- stead of — " The devil was a liar from the beginning," actually read — M The devil was a lawyer from the beginning." ' 676. — A gentleman long famous for the aptitude of his puns, observing a violent fracas in the front of a gin-shop, facetiously termed it, 4 The battle of A-gin-court.' 677 — A chimney-sweeper, of very small stature, brought a Mrs. M'lntire to Bow street, a short time since, and charged her with uttering a gross and scandalous libel against him in Old Round Court, by calling him a bishop. The sweep said to the ma- gistrate — ■ I wants to know why this here voman should call me a bishop ; I gets my living honestly as a sweep, and keeps a vife and five children ; and though I bees always called a clergyman, and be- longing to the cloth, and that there kind of thing, I assure your honour, I be no bishop.' The magis- trate said it was quite certain he was no bishop, and Mr. Harris, the sweep, concluded by saying — 1 It was hard that he, nor any one of his business, could not walk the streets, without being called a bishop.' The woman was committed. 208 JOE M1IIER. 67 8. — ' Tn one of my visits, very early in life, to that venerable master, Dr. Pepusch,' sajs Dr. Bur- ney, ' he gave me a short lesson, which made so deep an impression that I long endeavoured to practise it — M When I was a young man," said he, "I deter- mined never to go to bed at night, till I knew some- thing that I did not know in the morning." ' 679. — A dispute having long subsisted in a gen- tleman's family between the maid and the coach- man, about fetching the cream for breakfast, the gen- tleman one morning called them both before him, that he might hear what, they had to say, and decide accordingly. The maid pleaded, that the coachman was lounging about the kitchen, the best part of the morning, yet he was so ill natured, he would not fetch the cream for her ; notwithstanding he saw she had so much to do, that she had not a moment to spare. The coachman alleged, it was out of his bu- siness. ' Very well,' said the master. ' but pray what do you call your business'?' — 'To take care of the horses, and clean and drive the coach,' replied Jehu. ' You say right,' answered the master, ' and I do not expect you to do more than I hired you for ; but this I insist on, that every morning, before breakfast, you get the coach ready, and drive the maid to the farmer's for milk; and I hope you will allow that to be part of your business.' 680. — Mr. Cukran one day inquiring his master's age from a horse jockey's servant, he found it almost impossible to extract an answer. ' Come, come, friend, has he not lost his teeth V — ■ Do you think,' returned the fellow, * that I know his age, as he does his horses, by the mark of his mouth V The laugh against Curran, but he instantly recovered. 1 You were very right not to try, friend ; for you know your master 's a great l>ite. r 68i. — An Irishman asked an itinerant poulterei the price of a pair of fowls. ' Six shillings, Sir.' — JOE MULCR. 209 * In my deai country, my darling, you might buy them for sixpence a pace.' — ' Why don't you remain in your dear country, then V — ' Case we have no six- pences, my jewel,' said Pat. 6tt^. — A noiorious miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon, exclaimed — ' This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have almost a mind to turn 6<_ 685. — A naval orHcer, relating his feats to a mar- shal, said — 'That, in a sea fight, he had killed men with his own hand.' — ■ And I,' said the marshal, 'descended through a chimney, in Switzerland, to visit a pretty girl.' — ' How could that be,' said the captain, • since there are no chimneys in that coun- try.' — ' What, Sir,' said the marshal, ' I hate allowed you to kill oOO men in a right, and surely y oil may permit me to descend a chimney in Switzerland.' 6b4. — Mr. Stlrni , the whimsical author of Tris- tram Shandy, was married to Mrs. Sterne on a Satur- day morning. The parishioners had timely informa- tion of the circumstance, and knowing he would preach next morning at his parish church, and de- sirous at the same time of seeing the bride, the\ sembled in such crowds, that the church wa> before the bell had done tolling. The bride made her appearance, and the country folks indulged them- selves with the usual observations, till Sterne mounted the pulpit ; here every eye was directed to him, and every ear ready to catch the words of his text which turned out to their astonishment as follows — ' We have toiled all night, and haie caught jwthing.' The congregation looked at each other ; some smiled ; others stopped their mouths with their handkerchiefs, to prevent them from laughing, while the old folks wore very serious faces, and thought the humourist a very odd sort of man for a parson. They attended however to his discourse, which turned out, as usual, very instructive, and all went home highly delighted 210 JOE MILLRR. with the text, but poor Mrs. Steme, who blushed down to her finger's ends every step of the way to the house. 68.1. — A certain Quaker (very rich and very ob- stinate), constantly rode every morning to a village not far from town, and, as a proof of his humility, made it a rule never to turn out of his track for any one. A young buck undertook, for a wager, to make friend Ammadab, for once, at least, give way, with- out using any force or violence. At the proper time (for the Quaker was as regular as the clock,) the young fellow set out on horseback, and soon seeing the Quaker at a distance, rode on, till his horse's nose toucned that of the Quaker's ; when both stopped and |dl some time looking at each other. At length theJBck, with great composure, taking out a pipe, filI«T, and lighted it, by the help of a pistol tinder- box ; then leaning on his elbow on the pummel of his saddle, smoked it out very deliberately, looking very steadfastly all the while in the Quaker's face. His pipe out, he began to recharge, which the Quaker seeing, immediately turned his horse's head, saying as he passed his opponent, ' friend, thou beest a very obstinate fellow.' 686. — Sheridan was dining with Lord Thurlow, when he produced some admirable Constantia, which had been sent him from the Cape of Good Hope. The wine tickled the palate of Sheridan, who saw the bottle emptied with uncommon regret, and set his wits to work to get another. The old Chancellor was not to be so easily induced to produce his curi- ous Cape in such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan's attempts to get another glass. — Sheridan being piqued, and seeing the inutility of persecuting the immovable pillar of the law, turned towards a gen- tleman sitting farther down, and said, ' Sir, pass me up that decanter, for I must return to Madeira since I cannot double the Cape.' JOL MILLER. 211 687. — Sheridan made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots — these attracting the notice 01 some of his friends, ' Now guess,* said he, * how I came by these boots f many probable guesses then took place — ' No!' said Sheridan, ' no, you've not hit it, nor ever will— I bought them, and paid for them !' 688. — A rich member of the Lower House, but exceedingly penurious, having one (Hry dfl(||anted for half an hour, at the Cocoa Tree, on the Excellent quality and cheapness of a ituistcoat, which, after much bating, he had just bought at a tailor's shop in the Strand, and which he was exhibiting ih ttUfcph to the gentlemen present, concluded by pra^^Rthe high perfection of the Manchester manufacttMBpi saying, ' Can any thing be more reasonable ?^Bl any one conceive how they let me have it so ehe — ■ Very easily,' replied Sheridan, raising his head from a newspaper, and heartily tired of being bored by such a subject : • they took you for one of the tiade, and sold it to you wholesale.' 689. — An attorney one day meeting Sheridan walk- ing with another gentleman in Piccadilly, told him he had just been apprenticing his second daughter, a very beautiful girl, to a fashionable dress-maker in Bond street; at the same time asking his opinion of this family arrangement. ' Depend upon it, Sir,' said Sheridan, ■ that she is in as fair a way of being ruined, as a boy is to become a rogue, when he is first put clerk to a lawyer !' 690. — Sheridan was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart. One day, he requested Tom to walk with him, and soon entered on the subject of his marriage, and pointed out to him in glowing colours the ad- vantages of so brilliant an alliance. Tom listened with the utmost patience, and then descanted on the 212 JOE MILLER. perfections of the woman who proved the pride and solace of his declining years. Sheridan grew warm, and expatiating on the folly of his son, at length ex- claimed— ' Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I'll cut you off with a shilling !' Tom could not re- sist the opportunity of replying, and looking archly at his father, said, ■ Then, Sir, you must borrow it.' Sheridan was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject. ^ 691.— sSheridan was endeavouring to compliment (vulgo, to gammon) a city tailor out of a new suit of clothes, and promising him half a dozen similar or- ders every year. ' You are an excellent cut, my friend,' said Sheridan, ' and you beat our snips of the West-end, hollow. Why don't you push your thim- ble amongst us 1 I'll recommend you every where : upon my honour, your work gives you infinite cre- dit.' — ' Yes,' replied Twist, ■ I always take care that my work gives long credit; but the wearers ready money, 692. — In a large party, one evening, the conver- sation turned upon young men's allowance at col- lege. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill judging par- simony of many parents, in that respect. ' I am sure, Tom,' said his father, 'you need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a year.' — ' Yes, father, I must confess you allowed it ; but then it was never paid.' 093. — Wiikn Dr. Parr's preface to Bellendenus was the theme of general admiration, Home Tooke said of it, rather contemptuously, ' It consists of mere scraps ;' alluding to the frequent use of the ' ronian language. This sarcasm was mentioned to Parr, who afterwards meeting Tooke, said to him, — ' So, Mr. Tooke, you think my Preface mere scraps?' — 'True,' replied Tooke, with inimitable readiness, ' but you know, my dear Doctor, scraps are often tit-bits.' jut Mil LER. 213 694. — During the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the Corresponding Society v\.i^ in full vigour, Mr. Selwyn happened one May- day to meet a troop of chimney-sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trappings ; and observed to Mr. Fox, who was walking with him, ' I say, Charles, I have often heard you and others talk of the ma- jesty of the people ; but I never saw any of the young princes and princesses till now.' 695. — Rlturning in haste from France in the winter season, on hearing a report of a probable change in the ministry, by which he was more than likely to lose his place, Selwyn appeared in the drawing-room at St. James's the next court-day in a light coloured velvet dress. The king taking notice of this, George replied, — 'Yes, Sire, it is rather a cool habiliment ; but notwithstanding. I do assure vour Majesty, that I have been in a violent sweat tver since my arrival in England.' 696. — A learned Irish Judge, among other pe- culiarities, has a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. On his circuit, a short time since, his favourite expression was employed in a singular man- ner. At the close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the court reminded him that he had not passed sentence on one of the cri- minals, as he had intended — ' Dear me !' said his lordship, « I really beg his pardon — bring him in.' 697. — Dr. Parr and Lord Erskine are said to have been the vainest men of their time. At dinner, some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasy with the con- versational powers of Lord E., called out to him, 1 My lord, I mean to write your epitaph.' — ' Dr. Parr/ replied the noble lawyer, ■ it is a temptation to com- mit suicide.' 698. — Gibbon the historian, notwithstanding his shortness and rotundity, was very gallant. One day being alone with Madame de Cronzas, Gibbon wished 211 JOE MILLER. to seize the favourable moment, and suddenly drop- ping on his knees, he declared his love in the most passionate terms. Madame de Cronzas replied in a tone to prevent the repetition of such a scene. Gib- bon was thunder-struck, but still remained on his knees, though frequently desired to get up and re- sume his seat. 'Sir,' said Madame de Cronzas, ' will you have the goodness to rise V — ' Alas, ma- dam,' replied the unhappy lover, ' I cannot.' His size prevented him from rising without assistance ; upon this Madame de Cronzas rang the bell, saying to the servant, ' Lift up Mr. Gibbon.' 699. — ' Souvre,' said Louis XV. to the commander of that name, ' you are getting old ; where do you wish to be interred V — ' At the foot of your majesty, sire,' replied Souvre. This answer disconcerted the monarch, who remained for some time deeply im- ed in thought. 700. — There were two very fat noblemen at the court of Louis XV., the Duke de L — and the Duke de N — . They were both one day at the levee, when the king began to rally the former on his corpulence. ' You take no exercise, 1 suppose,' said the king. — 4 Pardon me, sire,' said de L — , ' I walk twice a-day round my cousin de N — .' 701. — A lady was listening to the late Lord Er- Bkine's account of the people of the North Pole, and when he mentioned that the natives clothe them- selves in the skins of the seals, and eat their flesh, ' What ! live upon seals V exclaimed the lady, with a look of horror. — ' Yes, madam,' answered Lord Krskine, ' and very good living too, if one could but keep them.' 702. — Pope Pius VII. having come to Paris to crown, or rather to pronounce the apostolic benedic- tion on the coronation of Napoleon, Denon was de- puted to shew his holiness over the mint, the museum, and imperial printing-offices. In his presence the JOE MILLER 215 Lord's prayer in l.-SO languages and dialects was printed and presented to him. The Pope expressed his admiration, and turning to Denon said, 4 But thou hast not given me thy work.' — ' Your holiness, T should never have presumed to offer it to you, for you recollect you excommunicated me for having at- tempted to prove in it, that the world was more than six thousand years old.' — ' Psha ! thou didst thy duty, and I did mine ; give me the book at any rate.' 703. — The celebrated actor, John Palmer, whose father was a bill-sticker, and who had occasionally followed the same humble occupation himself, being one evening strutting in the green-room in a pair of glittering buckles, a by stander remarked that they really resembled diamonds. ■ Sir,' said Palmer, with some warmth, ' I would have you know I neve wear any thing but diamonds !' — ' I ask your par- don,' replied the other, ' I remember the time when you wore nothing but paste-' The laugh was much heightened by Bannister exclaiming, ' Jack, why don't you stick him against the uallV 704. — An avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, ' Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow.' — ' O yes,' retorted the half-starved lad, ■ but I ha'n't eaten for yesterday and to-day yet, father.' 705. — Lady Bfaut.ieu was complaining of being waked by a noise in the night: my lord replied, ' Oh, for my part, there is no disturbing me ; if they don't wake me before I go to sleep, there is no wak- ing me afterwards.' 706. — When Henry, Duke of Norfolk (the only Protestant of the family before the late duke), was attending James II. in his duty as Earl Marshal, to the Popish Chapel of the Court, he stopped short at the door, and. making his bow to the king, suffered him to pass on without accompanying him. The king 2l6 JUL. MILIAR. was piqued, and turning round, observed, ' I\Ty lord, your father would have gone farther.' The duke made a lower bow than before, and replied, ' Your majesty's father would not have gone so far.' 707. — ' A i.ady once asked me,' says Coleridge, ' if I believed in ghosts and apparitions.' I an- swered with truth and simplicity, * No, madam, I have seen far too many myself.' 708. — A bchool-boy going into the village with- out leave, one of his masters called after him, ' Where are you going, Sir V — ' 1 am going to buy a halfp'- worth of nails, Sir. 1 — ' What do you want a halfp'- worth of nails for?' — ■ For a halfpenny, Sir,' replied the urchin. 709. — At a tea-party, where some Cantabs hap- pened to be present, after the dish had been handed round, the lady who was presiding over the tea equi- page ■ hoped the tea was good.' — ' Very good, in- deed, madam/ was the general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs to speak, who, between truth and politeness, shrewdly observed, ' That the tea was excellent, but the water was smoky.' 710. — Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neckcloth of his com- panion, said, ' I see you are a Grecian.' — ' Pooh !' the other, ■ that's far-fetched .' — • No, indeed/ the punster, ' 1 made it on the spot.' 711. — A young woman meeting her former fellow- servant, was asked how she liked her place. ■ Very well ' — ' Then you have nothing to complain of] — ' Nothing; only master and missis taik such very bad grammar.' 712. — A koble lord, who was aid-de-camp to the Duke of Wellington, visited the duke early on the morning of tliu battle of Salamanca, and perceiving dim lying on a very small camp bedstead, observed that his grace ' had not room to tuin himself.' The d.jke immediately replied, ' When you have lived as JOE MILLER. 217 .ong as 7 have, you will know that when a man thinks ot turning in his bed, it is time he should turn out of it.' 713. — Shortly after the commencement of the last war, a tax was laid on candles, which, as a poli- tical economist would prove, made them dearer. A Scotch wife, in Greenock, remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that the price was raised, and asked why. ' It's a' owin' to the war,' said Paddy. ' The war!' said the astonished matron, 'Gracious me! are they gaun to fight by candle licht ! 714 — Dr. Parr, who, it is well known, was not very partial to the ' thea linensis,' although lauded so warmly by a French writer as ' nostrls grathsimu musis,' being invited to take tea by a lady, with true classic wit and refined gallantry, uttered the follow- ing delicate compliment : — ■ Non p ^-sum re-cum vivere, nee sine te !' 715. — A Chancery barrister having been for a ong while annoyed by an irritable ucer on one of his legs, called upon Mr. Abernethy for the purpose of obtaining that gentleman's advice. The coun- sellor judging of an ulcer as of a brief, that it must be seen before its nature could be understood, was Dusily employed in removing his stocking and ban- dages, when Mr. Abernethy abruptly advanced to- wards him, and exclaimed in a stentorian voice, 1 Halloo ! what are you about there ! put out your tongue, man ! Aye, there 'tis, I see it — I'm satis- fied — quite enough — shut up your leg, man — shut it up — shut it up. Here, take one of these pills every night on going to bed.' The lawyer put the box of pills into his pocket, handed over the fee, and was about to leave the room, when Mr. A. thus accosted mm : ■ Why, look here, this is but a shilling !' The barrister sarcastically replied — 'Aye, there 'tis ! I see it — I'm satisfied ! quite enough, man ! shut it up —shut it up !' and hastilv quitted the room. L JOE MILLER. 7l6\ — An Irishman, who served on board a man- of-war in the capacity of a waister, was selected b) one of the officers to haul in a tow-line, of consider- able length, that was towing over the tafferail. After row sing-in forty or fifty fathoms, which had put his patience severely to proof, as well as every muscle of his arms, he muttered to himself, ' By my soul, it's as long as to-day and to-morrow ! — It's a good week's work for any five in the ship ! — Bad luck to the armor leg, it'll lave me at last! — What! more of it yet ! — Och, murder ; the sa's mighty deep, to be sure!' — When, after continuing in a similar strain, and conceiving there was little probability of the completion of his labour, he stopped suddenly short, and addressing the officer of the watch, ex- claimed, ' Had manners to me, Sir, if I don't think somebody's cut off the other end of it /' 717. — Rosk, private secretary to Louis XIV., having married his daughter to M Portail, president of the parliament, was constantly receiving from his son-in-law, complaints of his daughter's ill-temper. To one of these he at length answered, that he was fully convinced of her misconduct, and was resolved to punish it : in short, that if he heard any more of it, he would disinherit her. He heard no more. 718 — ' Does your husband expectorate?' said an apothecary to a poor Irish woman who had long vi- sited Ins shop for her sick husband — ' Expect to ate, yet honour — no sure, and Paddy does not expect to ate — he 's nothing at all to ate ! The humane man ient a large bason of mixture from a tureen of soup then smoking on his t;ible. 719. — When George Bidder, the calculating phe- nomenon, was a very little boy, he made the tour of England with his father, displaying every where his Dishing power of combining and resolving num- Amoog several very ingenious and difficult questions prepared purposely for him, an ignorant .?<;E MILLER. 219 pedagogue asked (without furnishing any data), ' How many cow's tails would reach to the moon.' The boy, turning upon the inquirer an eye of consi- derable archness, answered instantly, ' One, if it were long enough/ 720.— By statute 6th George II. c. 37., it was fe- lony without benefit of clergy to destroy an ash. Dr. Ash, a great wit, and friend of Swift, was once wet through with the rain, and upon going into an inn, asked the waiter to strip off his coat for him ; upon which the waiter started, and said he dare not, for it was felony to strip an Ash. Dr. Ash used to say he would have given 50/. to have been the author of that pun. 7tl. — A judge and counsellor being upon indif- ferent terms, a client of the counsel's making his ' appearance at the bar with his jaw terribly swelled, the judge remarked, * Mr. , this client of yours would make an excellent counsellor, he 's all jaw ;' which set the court in a roar of laughter against the \ counsellor. On silence being obtained, the counsel remarked, * My lord, I think he would make a better judge, for his jaw is all on one side.' The retort turned the laugh against the judge, and from that day they were on the best terms of friendship. 71$. — A barker, who was a great talker, said to a person on whom he was about to operate, ' How do you choose that I should shave you, Sir V — * Without opening your lips,' replied the customer. 723. — A lady who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her complaint, which was what he very much disliked. Among other things, she said, 4 Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly.' — ' Why then, madam,' answered Mr. A., 'you are a great fool for doing so.' 724. — A lady, who had received a severe bite in her arm from a dog, went to Mr. Abernethy, but knowing his aversion to hearing any statement of 220 JOE MILLER. particulars, she merely uncovered the injured part, and held it before him in silence. After looking a! it an instant, he said in an inquiring tone, ' Scratch? — ' Bite,' replied the lady. — 'CatV asked the doc tor. — ■ Dog,' rejoined the patient. So delighted was Mr. A. with the brevity and promptness of her an- swers, that he exclaimed, ' Zounds, madam, you are the most sensible woman I ever met with in ray life.' 725. — At the siege of Gironne, a cannon ball passed very near the Duke de Noailles, who was in- specting a battery. ' Do you hear that music !' said he to Rigolo, who commanded the artillery. — ' I care nothing about the balls which come,' replied Rigolo, ' my business is with those that go.' 726. — It is related of Mr. Cheselden, well known as having been surgeon to the Queen of George II. that going into an obscure country town, he found a blacksmith, who, with the best intentions and the utmost confidence, was in the habit of performing the operation for removing the cataract ; pleased with his talents, he communicated some instructions, and at a future time, inquiring what had been his success, the man replied : ■ Ah, Sir ! you spoilt my trade, for after you explained to me what I had been doing, 1 never dared to try again.' 727. — ■ Nothing can daunt the heart of a genuine Irishman,' said an Emeralder, the other day, over his glass. — ■ Why, 1 have seen you yourself run away in a street row, Dennis,' rejoined an Englishman who was present. — ' Ah, ah,' cried Dennis, ' but it was not out of fear that I did it.' — ' How, then V — ' Oh ! sure, jist to hope myself out of harm's way, that's all.' 72Jj. — Mr. Cakus Wilson, whose great height renders him very remarkable in the streets of Lon- don, was met in Fleet-street, during a frost, by a gentleman nearly as tall as himself. Struck with the appearance of each other, they entered into conver- sation, and were speaking, when interrupted by a JOE MILLCR. 221 ragged urchin from the sister Isle. This genuine child of Erin, looking up to the giants, archly bawled out, ■ Your honours, will you be so good as to tell me if 'tis cmld up there?' 729. — ■ What is Eternity V — The following beau- tiful answer, by a pupil of the Deaf and Dumb School at Paris, contains a sublimity of conception scarcely to be equalled : — ■ The life-time of the Almighty.' 730 — An attorney, who was much molested by a fellow importuning him to bestow something, threat- ened to have him taken up as a common beggar. 4 A beggar !' exclaimed the man, ■ I would have you know that I am of the same profession as yourself: are we not both solicitors?' — 'That may be, friend, yet there is this difference — you are not a legal one, which I am,' 731. — In a small party the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her sister, ' I wonder, my dear, you have never made a match, I think you want the brimstone ;' — she replied, ■ No, not the brimstone, only the spark.' 7S2. — During the late panic, a person presented about 30/. of the notes of one of the country banks, for which he received payment : he was then asked whether he was aware that he had the sum of 150/. in their hands ? he replied, ' Yes ! but that was of no consequence, he should not lose that, as it teas at interest,' 733. — At a late Parliamentary dinner, Mr. Plun- kett was asked if Mr. Hume did not annoy him by his broad speeches. ' No,' replied he, ■ it is the length of the speeches, not their breadth, that we complain of in the House.' 734. — On a remarkably hot summer's day, an Irishman, thinly and openly dressed, sitting down in a violent perspiration, was cautioned against ' catch- ing cold.' ■ Catch it,' said he, wiping his face, ' where ! I wish I could catch it.' 222 JOE MILKER. 735.— A coachman, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that ' if any body was to go for to use him ill, he would hear malice like a Christian.' 736. — In the war with France, in 1782, an Eng- lish officer being sent to Martinico, in a cartel, was introduced to the French admiral, the Compte de Grasse, on board his vessel, the Ville de Paris. In the course of conversation the latter charged the of- ficer with his compliments to Admiral (then Sir George) Rodney, and that he would be off Dominica on the 9th of April, when he would be glad to see him. On the 12th the important action took place, in which the admiral, with seven vessels, was taken. The same officer happening to be on deck when the Count surrendered his sword, accosted him with great politeness — ' I am very happy to see you, Monsieur le Compte,' said he, ' and cannot but esteem you a gentleman of the utmost punctuality.' 737. — The late Bonnel Thornton, like most wits, was a lover of conviviality, which frequently led him to spend the whole night in company, and all the next morning in bed. On one of these occasions, an old female relation, having waited on him before he had arisen, began to read him a familiar lecture on prudence j which she concluded by saying, 'Ah! Bonnel, Bonnel ! I see plainly that you'll shorten ymir days.' — ' Very true, Madam,' replied he, ' but by the same rule, you must admit that 1 shall lengthen imj nighttJ 738. — Louis XIV. who loved a concise style, met on the road, as he was travelling into the country, a ', who was riding post ; and, ordering him to stop, asked hastily, ' Whence come you ? Where are you going? What do you want?' The other, who rfly well knew the king's disposition, instantly - • 1 , ' Prom Bruges. To Paris. A benefice.' — ' \ oii shall have it,' replied the king ; and in a few days presented him to a valuable living. JOE Mil LER. 2-23 739. — On a trial at the Admiralty sessions, for shooting a seaman, the counsel for the crown asking one of the witnesses which he was for, plaintiff or defendant — ■ Plaintiff or defendaut ! says the sailor, scratching his head, « why, 1 don't know what you mean by plaintiff or defendant. I come to speak for that man, there !' pointing at the prisoner. ■ You are a pretty fellow for a witness,' says the counsel, ' not to know what plaintiff or defendant means/ Some time after, being asked by the same counsel what part of the ship he was in at the time — ' Abaft the binnacle, my lord,' says the sailor. ■ Abaft the binnacle!' replied the barrister, 'what part of the ship is that?' — 4 Ha ! ha! ha !' chuckled the sailor ; 1 an't you a pretty fellow for a counsellor,' pointing archly at him with his finger, ' not to know what abaft the binnacle is.' 740. — Dr. Franklin, when last in England, used pleasantly to repeat an observation of his negro vant, when the Doctor was making the tour of Der- byshire, Lancashire, R MILLER. 235 I*, abroad, he once sent, in a packet to the secre- taries of state, two letters, one to the queen and the «-ther to his wife ; but that which was intended for the queen was superscribed, * To his dear wife ;' and the other, ' For her most excellent majesty :' so that when the queen opened her letter, she found it be- ginning with ' Sweetheart,' and afterwards met with the expressions ' my dear,' and ' dear love,' and others of a like kind, acquainting her with the em- barrassed state of his circumstances. This mistake occasioned much mirth, but it procured the doctor a supply of money. The doctor being engaged with some other am- bassadors in a negotiation, a dispute arose concern- ing the language in which they should treat : the Spanish minister said that the French would be the most proper, ' Because,' said he to Dr. Dale, ' your mistress calls herself Queen of France.' — ' Nay, then,' said the doctor, ' let us treat in Hebrew, for your master calls himself King of Jerusalem.' 781. — When Philip III., King of Spain, sent his ambassador to treat with the States of Holland about their independence, he was shewn into an ante- chamber, where he waited to see the members of the States pass by. He stood for some time, and seeing none but a parcel of plain-dressed men, with bun- dles in their hands (which, as many of them came from distant provinces, contained their linen and pro- visions), he turned to his interpreter, and asked him, 1 When the States would come !' The man replied, * That those were the members whom he saw go by.' Upon which he wrote to the commander-in chief of the Spanish army, to advise the king, his master, to make peace as soon as possible. In his letter was this remarkable passage : — ' I expected to have seen in the States a splendid appearance ; but instead oC that, I saw only a parcel of plain dr*ssed men, with sensible faces, who came into council with provisions 236 JOE MILLKR. in their hands. Their parsimony will ruin the king, my master, in the course of the war, if it is conti- nued ; for there is no contending with people whose nobles can live upon a shilling a-day, and will do every thing for the service of their country.' The king, struck with the account, agreed to treat with them, as an independent state, and put an end to the war. 782. — Sir Fulk Greville, was a member of the House of Commons when that body insisted much upon the value of precedents. ' Why,' said he, • do you stand so much upon precedents? The times here- after will be good or bad. If good, precedents will do no harm ; if bad, power will make a way where it finds none/ — The good humoured Baron Thompson was once in a convivial party, at which several gentlemen ranking high in the legal profession were present. Much wine had been drank, and the company had been highly entertained by the facetious Henry W — , whose elegant and refined wit charmed all his hear- ers. He had given imitations of some of the barris- ters and most of the judges, and the baron's mirth and applause were particularly loud. ' There is one other person, Mr. W ,' said the judge, ' whose manner I should like to see imitated.' — ' Who is that, my lord?' — '.Myself, Sir.' — 'Oh, my lord, that is quite out of the question, present company are al- ways '.' — 'Why, Sir, if you will try your myself I slmil be obliged to you/ After iderable persuasion, W drew himself up in liis chair, and blowing out his cheeks, presented to his auditors a complete duplicate of the Baron. A burst of applause immediately followed, in which natured judge heartily joined. The imi- tator apparently unmoved, proceeded in a charge to the grand jury, closely imitating the voice and man- of the judge. ' Law is law, and men are made JOB MILLER. 2 to live according to law, without any respect for the gospel ; for that is another thing, to be considered at another time, in another place, and by another set of men, vide Coke upon Littleton, chap. ii. p. 312. Now, there are some men that are good men, and some men that are bad men, and the bad men are not the good men, and the good men are not the bad men ; but the bad men and the good men, and the good men and the bad men, are two different sorts of men ; and this we may glean from Magna Charter, an old man, who lived in the reign of King John the Wise. Therefore, the law is made for the bad men, and the gnod men have nothing to do therewith, nor any profit or advantage to derive therefrom — therefore, bring up the prisoners, and hang them, for I must go out of town to-morrow.' 784. — Philip, the father of Alexander, knowing his son to be very swift, pressed him to run for the prize at the Olympic games. 4 1 would comply with your wishes,' replied Alexander, 'if kings were to be my competitors.' 785. — Lord Armadale, one of the Scotch judges, had a son, who, at the age of eleven or twelve, rose to the rank of a major. One morning his lady-mother hearing a noise in the nursery, rang to know the cause of it. ' It is only,' said the servant, ' the major greeting (crying) for his porridge !' 786.— Henry VIII., after the death of Jane Sey- mour, had some difficulty to get another wife. His first offer was to the Duchess Dowager of Milan ; but her answer is said to have been, — that she had but one head ; if she had two, one should have been at his service. 787. — Sir Wm. Gooch being engaged in conver- sation with a gentleman in a street of the city of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of a negro, who was passing by about his master's business. ' Sir William,' said the gentleman, ' do you descend so C31 JOE MI LI F.R. far as to saline a slave V — ■ Why, yes,' replied the' governor ; ' I cannot suffer a man of his condition to exceed me in good manners.' 788. — John Basilowitz, the czar of Russia, per- ceiving Sir Jeremy Bowes, the ambassador of Queen Elizabeth, with his hat on in his presence, thus re- buked him : ' Have you not heard, Sir, of the per son I have punished for such an insult V He had, in fact, punished him very savagely, by causing his hat to be struck through with a nail, and thus fas- tened to his head. Sir Jeremy answered, ' Yes, Sire, but I am the Queen of England's ambassador, who never yet stood bareheaded to any prince what- ever : her I represent, and on her justice I depend to do me right, if I am insulted.' — ' A brave fellow this,' said the czar, turning to his nobles ; ' a brave fellow truly, who dares thus to act and talk for his sovereign's honour! Which of you would do so for me V 789. — Lord Hunsdox, a distinguished nobleman in the court of Elizabeth, once said, ' To have the courage to notice an affront is to be upon a level with an adversary : to have the charity to forgive it, is to be above him.' 790. — It was some years ago said in the Parlia- ment-house at Edinburgh, that a gentleman, who was notorious for a pretty good appetite, had eaten away his senses. * Poh !' replied Harry Erskine, * they would not be a mouthful to a man of his bowels. 1 791. — Mb. Carbonsl, the wine-merchant, who served George the Third, was a great favourite with the good old king, and was admitted to the honours of the royal hunt. Returning from the chase one day, his majesty entered, in his usual affable man- ner, into conversation with him, riding side by side with him, for some distance. Lord Walsingham was in attendance, and watching an opportunity, JOE M1LLKR. 239 whispere 1 to Mr. Carbonel, that he had not once taken his hat oft' before his majesty. ' What's that, what's that, Walsingham?' inquired the good-hu- moured monarch. Mr. Carbonel at once said, ' I find I have been guilty of unintentional disrespect to your majesty, in not taking off my hat ; but your majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig to my head, and I am on the back of a high-spirited horse ; so that if any thing goes of\ we must all go off to- gether f* The king laughed heartily at this whimsi- cal apologv. 792. — Whfn Fenelon was almoner to the king, and attending Louis XIV. at a sermon preached by a Capuchin, he fell asleep. The Capuchin perceived it, and breaking oft' his discourse, said, 4 Awake, thou sleeping Abbe, who comest here only to pay thy court to the king ;' an anecdote which he often re- lated with pleasure after he was Bishop of Cambray. At another time the king was astonished to find, in- stead of a numerous congregation in his chapel, only Fenelon and the priest. ' What is the reason of all this ?' said the king. ■ I caused it to be given ou^ Sire,' replied Fenelon, ■ that your majesty did not attend chapel to-day, that you might know who came to worship God, and who to flatter the king.' 793. — Henry the Eighth hunting in W r indsor Forest, struck down about dinner to the abbey of Reading, where, disguising himself as one of the royal guards, he was invited to the abbot's table. A sirloin was set before him, of which he ate as lustily as any beef-enter. ' Well fare thy heart,' quoth the abbot : ■ and here in a cup of sack I remember the health of his grace your master. I would give a hundred pounds that I could feed on beef as hearty as you do. Alas ! my poor queasy stomach will scarcely digest the wing of a chicken.' The king heartily pledged him, thanked him for his good cheer, and 240 JOE MILLER. departed undiscovered. Shortly afterwards the abbot was sent to the Tower, kept a close prisoner, and fed on bread and water, ignorant of the cause, and terri- fied at his situation. At last, a sirloin of beef was set before him, on which his long hunger made him feed voraciously. ' My lord abbot,' exclaimed the king, entering from a private closet, ' instantly de- posit your hundred pounds, or no going hence. I have been your physician ; and here, as I deserve it, I demand my fee.' The abbot would willingly have paid the sum, but Henry, laughing loudly, put him aside on that point, and left him to enjoy his improved powers of digestion in peace and quiet- ness. 794. — A certain noble lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his mother ad- vised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs, and his drink water. ' What ! dam,' said he, ' would you have me to imitate a man who eats like a bead and drinks like ajish ? 795. — A young lady of Brunswick, an attendant on the late duchess, mortified that, from her negh i education, she was precluded from joining in the lite- rary conversations which were frequently introduced at that court, requested her royal mistress to furnish her with such books as might enable her to remedy this defect Her royal highness, smiling, banded her a Dictionary ; and m ed heT how she liked it. ' Oh ! it is delij lid the fair stu- dent : ' t(. which I li ether, that one - not know what to make of them ; but here it is quite a pleasure to see them all drawn up in order, like de.' 79o. — Charms the Second asked Bishop Stilling- fleet, how it happened that he preached in general without book, but a i the sermons which he delivered before the court. The bishop answered, JOE MILLER. 9.41 that the awe of seeing before him so great and wise a prince made him afraid to trust himself. ' But will your majesty,' continued he, ' permit me to ask you a question in mv turn — Why do you read your speeches to parliament?' — 'Why, doctor/ replied the king, ■ I'll tell you very candidly. I have asked them so often for money, that 1 am ashamed to look them in the face !' 797. — The republic of Genoa having irritated Louis XIV., were forced to send to France an em- bassy to appease him, in the unexampled selection of the doge himself, and four senators. The doge was conducted, among other places, to Versailles, then in all its glory — which he could not but greatly admire : but when he was asked, what struck him most in this extraordinary spot ; he answered, ■ To see myself there.' 798. — When all the court were sliding upon the Seine, which was frozen over, Henri (^uatre wished also to join them. One of his courtiers wished to prevent him. ' The others are skating,' said the king. ■ Ah, Sire,' replied the courtier, ■ but you are of greater weight than the others.' 799. — Sir Joseph Williamson, secretary of state to Charles the Second, wrote to the Lady Anne, widow of the Earl of Dorset and Pembroke, to ask her for the nomination of a member for the borough of Ap- pleby. The countess, with all the spirit of her ancestors, returned the following laconic reply : — ' I have been bullied by an usurper, I have been neglected by a court, but I will not be dictated to by a subject ; your man sha'n't stand. 1 Anne Dorset.' 800. — At the commencement of the American rar, Mr. Grenville, then in power, wishing to know 'j^w the Quaker-colonists stood affected, sent a mes- sage to Dr. Fothergill, intimating that he was indis- posed, and desiring to see hhn in the evening. The fit 242 joe mii.i.i:r. doctor came, and his patient immediately entering on the popular topic of American, affairs, drew from him the information he wanted. The conversation held through a large portion of the evening, and it was concluded by Mr. Grenville saying, he found himself so much better for the doctor's visit, that he would not trouble him to prescribe. In parting, Mr. Grenville slipt five guineas into the doctor's hand, which Fothergill surveying, said with a dry, arch tone, ' At this rate, friend, I will spare thee an hour now and then !' 801. — Sir Isaac Newton, one evening in winter, feeling it extremely cold, instinctively drew his chair very close to the grate, in which a fire had been re- cently lighted. By degrees, the fire being completely kindled, Sir Isaac felt the heat intolerably intense, and rung his bell with unusual violence. John was not at hand ; he at last made his appearance, by the time Sir Isaac was almost literally roasted. ' Remove rate, you lazy rascal !' exclaimed Sir Isaac, in a tone of irritation very uncommon with that amiable and placid philosopher, ' remove the grate, ere I am burned to death !' — ' Please your honour, might you not rather draw hack your chair V said John, a little waggishly. * Upon my word,' said Sir Isaac, smiling, ver thought of that.' poral of the life guards of Frederirk the Great, who had a great deal of vanity, but at the a brave fellow, wore a watch-chain, to which 1"' affixed a musket bullet, instead of a ch, which he was unable to buy. The king being inclined one day to rally him, said, ' A piogos, cor- il, you must have been very frugal to buy a watch ; it is six o'clock by mine : tell me what it is by yours.' The soldier, wfc the king's intention, in- ly drew the bullet from his lob, and said, ' Sire, niv watch neither marks five nor six o'clock ; but it at that it is my duty to die for JOB MILLER. 243 your majesty.' — ' Here, my friend,' said the king, quite affected, ■ take this watch, that you may be able to tell the hour also.' And gave him his watch, which was adorned with brilliants. 803. — The late Duchess of York having desired her house-keeper to seek out a new laundress, a de- cent looking woman was recommended to the situa- tion. ' But,' said the house-keeper, ' I am afraid she will not suit your royal highness, as she i^ a soldier's wife, and these people are generally loose characters!' — ' What is it you say?' said the duke, who had just entered the room, ' a soldier's wire ! Pray, madam, what is your mistress ? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged.' 804. — The celebrated Hogarth was one of the most absent of men. Soon after he set up his carriage, he had occasion to pay a visit to the lord-mayor. \\ hen he went the weather was fine ; but he was detained by business till a violent shower of rain came on. Being let out of the mansion-house by a different door from that at which he had entered, he imme- diately began to call for a hackney-coach. Not one could be procured ; on which Hogarth sallied forth to brave the storm, and actually reached his house in Leicester-fields without bestowing a thought on his own carriage, till Mrs. Hogarth, astonished to see him so wet and hurried, asked him where he had left it. 805. — At a city feast one of the company was ex- patiating on the blessings of Providence. ■ Aye,' said the late Sir William Curtis, smacking his lips, 1 it is a blessed place, sure enough ; we get all our turtle from it.' 806. — As the late beautiful Duchess of Devonshire was one day stepping out of her carriage, a dustman, who was accidentally standing by, and was about to regale himself with his accustomed whifTof tobaceo, caught a glance of her countenance, and instantly 244 JOE MILLER. exclaimed, ■ Love and bless you, my lady, let me light my pipe in your eyes V It is said the duchess was so delighted with this compliment, that she frequently afterwards checked the strain of adulation, which was so constantly offered to her charms, by saying, • Oh ! after the dustman's compliment, all others are insipid.' 807. — When Bajazet, after his defeat, was carried into the presence of Timur Lench, that is, Timur the Lame, vulgarly Timurlane ; on perceiving that Ba- jazet had but one eye, Timur burst into loud laugh- ter. The Turk, who could ill brook any incivility, said fiercely, ' You may deride my misfortunes, Timur, but remember they might have happened to yourself. The disposal of kingdoms is in the hands of God, and their states depend on his will.' Timur replied with equal haughtiness, ' I agree with your observa- tion : — 1 did not laugh at your misfortune, but at a reflection that just occurred to my mind — how little value thrones and sceptres possess in the judgment of God ; who has taken a kingdom from a man with one eye, to give it to another with one leg.' 808. — Admiral Kkppbl being sent to Algiers for the purpose of demanding satisfaction for the injuries done to his Britannic majesty's subjects by the cor- - of that state, the dey, enraged at the boldness of the ambassador, exclaimed, ' that he wondered at the insolence of the English monarch, in sending him a message by a foolish beardless boy.' The admiral immediately replied, that ' if his master had supposed his wisdom was to be measured by the length of his beard, he would have sent his deyship a he goat.' Unused to such spirited language, this reply put the reside himself, and forgetting the laws of nations, ordered his mutes to attend with the bow-string, saying, that the admiral should pay for his audacity his life. Unmoved by this menace, the ambas- sador took the dey to a window facing the bay, and showing him the English fleet, told him that if it JOE BlILLBft. $45 were Ms pleasure to put him to death, there were Englishmen enough in that fleet to make him a glo- rious funeral pile. The dey was wise enough to take the hint ; the admiral came off in safety, and ample restitution was made. 809. — Whin Spenser had finished his famous poem of the Fairy Queen, he carried it to the Earl of Southampton, the great patron of the poets of that day. The manuscript being sent up to the earl, he read a few pages, and then ordered his servant to give the writer twenty pounds. Reading on, he cried in a rapture, ' Carry that man another twenty pounds.' Proceeding farther, he exclaimed, ' Give him twenty pounds more.' But at length he lost all patience, and said, ' Go, turn that fellow out of the house, for if I read farther, I shall be ruined.' 810. — A young woman had laid a wager she would descend into a vault, in the middle of the night, and bring from thence a skull. The person who took the wager had previously hid himself in the vault, and as the girl seized a skull, cried, in a hollow voice, • Leave me my head !' — 'There it is,' said the girl, throwing it down and catching up another. ■ Leave me my head!' said the same voice. 'Nay, nay,' said the heroic lass, ' you cannot have had two heads:' so brought the skull and won the wager. 81 1. — In some parish-churches it is the custom to separate the men from the women. A clergyman, being interrupted by loud talking, stopped short ; when a woman, eager for the honour of her sex, arose and said, ' Your reverence, the noise is not among us.' — ' So much the better,' answered the priest, * it will be the sooner over.*^ 812. — Alexander the Great, passing through Corinth, had the curiosity to go to see the philoso- pher Diogenes, who was there at that time. He found him seated in a covered tub, with the open part turned towards the sun. ■ I am the great King 216 JOB MILLEft. Alexander,' said lie to the philosopher. ■ And I am the dog Diogenes/ replied the philosopher. ■ I am a good man,' said Alexander. 4 Well, who has any reason to fear the good V replied Diogenes. Alex- ander admired the subtlety of his mind, and the free manner in which he spoke. After having some con- versation with him, he said to him, ■ I see, Diogenes, that you are in want of many things : I shall be very glad to give you my assistance. Ask of me whatever you please.' — ' Get then from between me and the sun (said he), and do not take from me that which you cannot give me.' Alexander was astonished, having never before met with any man who was above all human concerns. ' Who is the richer man (con- tinued Diogenes), he who is contented with his cloak and his wallet, or he who having an extensive king- dom, is not satisfied, and who every day exposes himself to a thousand dangers to extend its limits ?' Alexander's courtiers were very angry, that so great a king should so long honour with his conversation such a surly wretch as Diogenes, who did not even rise from his seat while he spoke to him. The king perceived their anger, and turning about said to them, ' If I were not Alexander I would wish to be Diogenes.' 814. — Lonn Mansfield, on making a report to King George 111. of the conviction of Mr. Malowny, a catholic priest, who was found guilty, in Surrey, of celebrating mass, was induced, by a sense of rea- son and humanity, to represent to his majesty the ex- ive severity of the penalty which the law imposed for the offence. The King, in a tone of the most heartfelt benignity, immediately answered, • God for- bid, my lord, that religious difference in opinion should sanction prosecution, or admit of one man within my realms to suffer unjustly ! therefore, issue a pardon for Mr. Malowny, and see that he is set at liberty.' JOB MILLER. 247 814. — Wnrv Oliver Cromwell, accompanied by his secretary Thurlow, once went to dine with the Lord Mayor, the populace rent the air with their gratulations, and the streets echoed with ■ Long live my Lord Protector !' — ' Your Highness,' said the se- cretary, ■ may see by this that you have the voice of the people, as well as the voice of God.' — ' As to God,' replied Cromwell, ' we will not talk about him here ; but for the people they would be just as noisy, and perhaps more rejoiced, if you and I were going to be hanged.' 815. — When Moliere, the comic poet, died, the Archbishop of Paris would not let his body be buried in consecrated ground. The king, being informed of this, sent for the archbishop, and expostulated with him about it ; but, finding the prelate inflexibly obstinate, his majesty asked, how many feet deep the consecrated ground reached ? This question com- ing by surprise, the archbishop replied, about eight. ' Well,' answered the king, ' 1 find there's no getting the better of your scruples, therefore, let his grave be dug twelve feet deep, that's four below your con- secrated ground, and let him be buried there.' 816. — Dr. Johnson, in his tour through North Wales, passed two days at the seat of Colonel Mid- dleton of Gwynagag. While he remained there, the gardener caught a hare amidst some potatoe plants, and brought it to his master, then engaged in conversation with the doctor. An order was given to carry it to the cook. As soon as Johnson heard this sentence, he begged to have the animal placed in his arms ; which was no sooner done, than, approach- ing the window, then half open, he restored the hare to her liberty, shouting after her to accelerate her speed. ' What have you done V cried the colonel ; 1 why, doctor, you have robbed my table of a delicacy, perhaps deprived us of a dinner.' — ' So much the better, Sir,' replied the humane champion of a con- 248 JOB WILIER, demned hare ; ' for if your table is to be supplied at the expense of the laws of hospitality, I envy not the appetite of him who eats it. This, Sir, is not a hdiTeferct nature, but one which had placed herself under your protection ; and savage indeed must be that man who does not make his hearth an asylum for the confiding stranger.' 817. — When Cortez returned to Spain, he was coolly received by the emperor, Charles the Fifth. One day he suddenly presented himself to that mo- narch. ' Who are you V said the emperor, haughtily. ' The man,' said Cortez, as haughtily, ' who has given you more provinces than your ancestors left you cities/ 818. — James I. being one day at play, with a fel- low-pupil, his tutor, Buchanan, who was reading, jlesired them to make less noise. Finding that they disregarded his admonition, he told his majesty, if he did not hold his tongue, he would certainly whip him. The king, alluding to the fable, replied, he would be glad to see who would bell the cat, Bu- chanan, in a passion, threw the book from him, and inflicted on his majesty a sound flogging. The old Countess of Mar rushed into the room, and, taking the king in her arms, asked how he dared to lay his hands on the Lord's anointed. ■ Madam,' replied the elegant and immortal historian, ' I have whipped his bottom : you may kiss it, if you please.' When Buchanan was asked how he came to make a pedant of his royal pupil, he aswered — He thought he did a great deal to make any thing of him. 819. — Among the addresses presented upon the accession of James the First, was one from the an- cient town of Shrewsbury, wishing his majesty might reign as long as the sun, moon, and stars endured. 1 Faith, mon,' said the king to the person who pre- sented it, ' if I do, my son must reign by candle- light/ — When the same monarch went to Salisbury, JOE MILLER. 249 one of the active adventurers of those days climbed up the outside of the spire of the cathedral, and at the top made three summersets in honour of his Majesty ; who, being applied to for a levvard, gave him a patent, whereby every other of his subjects, except the afore- said man, and his heirs male, was prohibited from climbing steeples for ever. 820. — This monarch, soon after his accession to the English throne, was present in a court of justice, to obseive the pleadings in a cause of some conse- quence. The counsel for the plaintiff having finished , the king was so perfectly satisfied, that he exclaimed, 1 'Tis a plain case !' and was about to leave the court. Being persuaded, however, to stay and hear the other side of the question, the pleaders for the de- fendant made the case no less plain on their side. On this the monarch arose and departed in a great passion, exclaiming, ' They are all rogues alike.' 821. — Frederic, conqueror as he was, sustained a severe defeat at Coslin in the war of 1755. Some time after, at a review, he jocosely asked a soldier, who had got a deep cut in his cheek, ' Friend, at what alehouse did you get that scratch V — ' I got it,' said the soldier, ' at Coslin, where your majesty paid the reckoning.' 822. — Several years since, the bargemen of His Majesty's ship Berwick, then at Spithead, quar- relled with the bargemen of the ship which Admiral Milbank then commanded as captain, and the latter were heartily drubbed, to the no small mortification of the admiral, who was in his younger days exceed- ingly athletic, and somewhat addicted to boxing. A few days after, the admiral called the boat's crew together, upbraided them for a set of cowards, dress- ed himself in a common jacket and trowsers, and observing the Berwick's barge rowing ashore to Portmouth beach, ordered his own to be immediately manned: and thus disguised, took an oar as one of M 2 250 JOE MILLB*. the crew. The coxswain, as particularly directed, run the head of his barge against the Berwick's barge quarter ; in consequence of which a broadside of oaths were given and returned, which produced a challenge to fight with more substantial weapons. The admiral, as champion of his crew, beat the whole of the other barge's crew, one after the other (eleven in number), to the great joy and admiration of his sailors, and then making himself known, went and visited his friends in Portsmouth, as if nothing had happened. 8'J3. — When the baggage of Lady Hamilton was landed at Palermo, Lord Nelson's coxswain was very active in conveying it to the ambassador's hotel. Lady Hamilton observed this, and presenting the man with a moidore, said, ' Now, my friend, what will you have to drink?' — 'Why, please your honour,' said the coxswain, 'I'm not thirsty.' — 'But,' said her Ladyship, ■ Nelson's steersman must drink with me, so what will you take, a dram, a glass of grog, or a glass of punch V — * Why,' said Jack, ' as I am to drink with your Ladyship's honour, it wouldn't be good manners to be backward, so Pll take the dram now, and will be drinking the glass of grog, while your Ladyship is mixing the tumbler of punch for me.' 824. — A Scotch pedestrian attacked by three high- waymen defended himself with great courage and tinacy, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets rifled. The robbers expected, from the ex- traordinary resistance they had experienced, to lay their hands on some rich booty ; but were not a little surprised to discover, that the whole treasure which the sturdy Caledonian bad been defending at the hazard of his lit. d of no more than a crooked sixpence : ' The deuce is in him,' said one of the rogues ; ■ if he had had eighteen-pence, I suppose he would have killed the whole of us.' JOE MILLER. 2.51 825. — In the engagement between the English fleet under the Duke of Albemarle, and the Dutch fleet, commanded by De Ruyter and Van Tromp, the Henry, commanded by Sir John Harman, was surrounded and assailed from all quarters by the Zealand squadron : so that admiral Evertzen, who commanded it, hailed and offered him quarter. ■ No, Sir,' said the gallant officer, 4 it is not come to that yet.' The next broadside killed the Dutch admiral, by which means the squadron was thrown into con- fusion, and obliged to quit the Henry ; but the Dutch sent three fire-ships to burn her. One of them grappled her starboard quarter, but the smoke was too thick to discern where the grappling irons had hooked, until the blaze had subsided, when the boatswain resolutely jumped on board, disentangled the irons, and instantly regained his own ship. Scarcely was this effected, before another fire-ship boarded her on the larboard side ; the sails and ging of the Henry taking the destruction se< inevitable, and several of the crew threw themselves into the sea ; upon which Sir John Harman drew his sword, and threatened to kill any one who should quit the ship. At length, the exertions of the re- maining crew extinguished the flames. Sir John Harman, although his leg was broken, continued on deck, giving directions, and sunk another fire-ship, which was bearing down upon him. In this crippled state he got into Harwich, and repaired the damages his ship had sustained. 826. — The hero of this little narrative was a Hot- tentot, of the name of Von Wyhk, and we give the story of his perilous and fearful shot in his own words : 'It is now,' said he, ' more than two years since in the very place where we stand, 1 ventured to take one of the most daring shots that ever was hazarded : my wife was sitting- in the house noar the door, the children weie playing about her. I 252 JOE MILLER. was without, near the honse busied in doing some- thing to a waggon, when suddenly, though it was mid-day, an enormous lion appeared, came up, and laid himself quietly down in the shade upon the very threshold of the door. My wife, either frozen with fear or aware of the danger attending any attempt to fly, remained motionless in her place, while the children took refuge in her lap. The cry they ut- tered attracted my attention, and I hastened towards the door ; but my astonishment may be well con- ceived, when I found the entrance barred in such a manner. Although the animal had not seen me, es- cape, unarmed as I was, appeared impossible. Yet I glided gently, scarcely knowing what I meant to do, to the side of the house, up to the window of my chamber, where 1 knew my loaded gun was standing. By a happy chance, I had set it in a corner close by the window, so that I could reach it with my hand: for as you may perceive, the opening is too small to admit of my having got in ; and still more fortunately, the door of the room was open, so that I could see the whole danger of the scene. The lion was beginning to move, perhaps with the intention of making a spring ; there was no longer any time to think ; 1 called softly to the mother not to be afraid, and, invoking the name of the Lord, fired my piece. The ball passed directly over my boy's head, and lodged in the forehead of the lion immediately above his eyes, which shot forth as it were sparks of fire, and stretched him on the ground, so that he never stirred more. 1 827. — Baron D'Adrets occasionally made his prisoners throw themselves headlong, from the bat- tlements of a high tower, upon the pikes of his sol- diers. One of these unfortunate persons having ap- proached the battlements twice, without venturing to leap, the baron reproached him with his want of courage, in a very insulting manner. * Why, Sir/ JOE MILLER. 263 said the prisoner, ■ bold as you are, I would give you five limes before you took the leap.' This plea- santry saved the poor fellow's life. 828. — George II. passing through his chamber one evening, preceded by a single page, a small canvas bag of guineas, which he held in his hand, accidentally dropped, and one of them rolled under a closet door, in which wood was usually kept for the use of his bed-chamber. After the king had very deliberately picked up the money, he found himself deficient of a guinea ; and, guessing where it went, ' Come,' said he to the page, ' we must find this guinea; here, help me to throw out the wood.' The page and he accordingly went to work, and in a short time found it. 4 Well, 1 said the king, 'you have wrought hard, there is the guinea for your la- bour, but I would have nothing lost.' 8'29. — Dean Swift knew an old woman of the name of Margaret Styles, who was much addicted to drinking. Though frequently admonished by him, he one day found her at the bottom of a ditch, with a bundle of sticks, with which, being in her old way, she had tumbled in. The dean, after severely re- buking her, asked her, ■ Where she thought of going to?' (meaning after her death.) ■ I'll tell you, Sir/ said she, ' if you'll help me up.' When he had as- sisted her, and repeated his question — ' W r here do I think of going to V said she, ■ where the best liquor is, to be sure.' 830. — A Jew, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. Moses was informed of this, and it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see his two fellow-prisoners hanged ; and being asked, why he did not get about his business, he said, ' He waited to see if he could bargain with Maister Ketsch for the two gentlemen's clothes.' 254 JO* MILLER. 831. — An English drummer having strolled from the camp, approached the French lines, and befoie he was aware, was seized by the piquet, and carried before the commander, on suspicion of being a spy, disguised in a drummer's uniform. On being ques- tioned, however, he honestly told the truth, and de- clared who and what he was. This not gaining credit, a drum was sent for, and he was desired to beat a couple of marches, which he readily perform- ed, and thus removed the Frenchman's suspicion of his assuming a fictitious character. ■ But, my lad,' said he, ■ let me now hear you beat a retreat.' — ' A retreat !' replied the drummer ; ■ I don't know what it is, nor is it known in the English service V The French officer was so pleased with this spirited re- mark, that he dismissed the poor fellow, with a letter of recommendation to his general. 832. — An old woman that sold ale, being at church, fell asleep during the sermon, and unluckily let her old-fashioned clasped Bible fall, which, mak- ing a great noise, she exclaimed, half awake, ' So, you jade, there's another jug broke !' 833. — Admiral Blake, when a captain, was sent with a small squadron to the West Indies, on a secret expedition against the Spanish settlements. It happened, in an engagement, that one of his ships blew up, which damped the spirits of his crew ; but Blake, who was not to be subdued by one unsuccess- ful occurrence, called out to his men, ' Well, my lads, you have seen an P^nglish ship blown up ; and now let's see what figure a Spanish one will make in the same situation.' This well timed harangue raised their spirits immediately, and in less than an hour he set his antagonist on fire. ' There, my lads,' said he, 1 I knew we should have our revenge soon. 1 B54. - Win v Citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following note, and JOE MILLER. 256 sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine : 'I am determined to plead my cause myself.' Mr. Erskine wrote under it : * If you do.you'Ji be hang'd :' to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply : ' I'll be hang'd, then, if I do.' 855. — Chateavneuf, keeper of the seals of Louis XIII. when a boy of only nine years old, was asked many questions by a bishop, and gave very prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, ' I will give you an orange if you will tell me where God is?' — ' My lord,' replied the boy, ' I will give you two oranges, if you will tell me whore he is not.' 836. — During the siege of Fort St. Philip, a young lieutenant of marines was so unfortunate as to lose both his legs by a chain-shot, In this miserable and helpless condition he was conveyed to England, and a memorial of his case presented to an honour- able board ; but nothing more than half-pay could be obtained. Major Manson had the poor lieutenant conducted to court on a public day, in his uniform ; where, posted in the ante-room, and supported by two of his brother officers, he cried out, as the king, George I., was passing to the drawing-room, ' Behold, great sire, a man who refuses to bend his knee to you ; he has lost both in your service.' The king, struck no less by the singularity of his address, than by the melancholy object before him, stopped, and hastily demanded what had been done for him. ' Half-pay,' replied the lieutenant, ' and please your majesty.' — * Fye, fye on't,' said the king, shaking his head ; ' but let me see you again next levee-day.' The lieu- tenant did not fail to appear, when he received from the immediate hand of royalty a present of five hun- dred pounds, and an annuity of two hundred pounds a-year for life. 837. — A clergyman preaching some time ago, in the neighbourhood of Wapping, observing that most of his audience were in the sea-faring way, embel- 256 joe mili.ru. lishetl his discourse with several nautical tropes and figures. Amongst other things, he advised them to be ever ' on the watch, so that on whatever tack the devil should bear down upon them, he might be crippled in the action.' — 'Ay, master,' cried a jolly son of Neptune, ' but let me tell you, that will depend on your having the weather-gauge of him.' 838. — Every one has heard of the brave Mac- pherson, who, with his trusty ferrara, mowed down whole ranks of the Gallic foe, in that memorable battle where the immortal Wolfe expired in the arms of victory ! His captain, who had marked the incre- dible valour of the gallant Caledonian, saw him, after the fate of the glorious day was decided, set himself down by a heap of Frenchmen slain by his valiant arm, wipe the dust and sweat from his sun- burnt brow, and refresh himself with a hearty pinch from his snuff-mill. The king, on the regiment's return to Britain, expressed a desire to see this brave old Highlander, who being introduced by his captain, his Majesty presented his hand to Donald to kiss: honest Donald, unacquainted with the ceremonial of courts, and thinking the king asked him for a pinch of snuff, clapped his horn into the monarch's fist, accompanied with a hearty squeeze. The king Jaughed heartily, accepted of a pinch, made Donald a lieutenant, and gave him half- pay for life. 839. — Some years ago, Dr. Warner happened to be in a stationer's shop, when a member of the House • me in to purehase a hundred pi for six shillings. W hen he was gone, the doctor exclaimed, ' Oh ! the luxury of the age ! Six shil- lings for a hundred pens! Why, it never cost me sixpence for pens in all my life.' — * That is somewhat rery surprising, doctor,' said the stationer, r for your writings are very voluminous.' — * 1 declare,' replied the doctor, ' I wrote my Ecclesiastical History, two JOE MILLER. 257 volumes in folio, and my Dissertation on the Book of Common Prayer, a large folio, first and corrected copies, with one single pen : it was an old one be- fore I began, and it is not now worn out that I have finished.' — This relation was spread about, and the merits of this pen esteemed so highly, that a cer- tain Countess begged the doctor to make her a pre- sent of it : he did so, and her ladyship had a gold case made, with a short history of the pen wrought upon it, and placed it in her cabinet of curiosities. 840. — An officer in Admiral Lord St. Vincent's fleet, asking one of the captains, who was gallantly bearing down upon the Spanish fleet, whether he had reckoned the number of the enemy ? ' No,' replied the captain, • it will be time enough to do that, when we have made them strike.' 841. — That laughter is by no means an unequi- vocal symptom of a merry heart, there is a remark- able anecdote of Carlini, the drollest buffoon ever known on the Italian stage at Paris. A French phy- sician being consulted by a person who was subject to the most gloomy fits of melancholy, advised his patient to mix in scenes of gaiety, and particularly, to frequent the Italian theatre : ' And,' said he, ' if Carlini does nor dispel your gloomy complaint, your case must be desperate indeed !' — ' Alas, Sir,' replied the patient, * I myself am Carlini, but while I divert all Paris with mirth, and make them almost die with laughter, I am myself actually dying with chagrin and melancholy !' Immoderate laughter, like the immoderate use of strong cordials, gives only a tem- porary appearance of cheerfulness, which is soon terminated by an increased depression of spirits. 842. — Lord Camelford entering one evening a coffee-house in Conduit-street, meanly attired, as he often was, he sat down to peruse the papers of the day. Soon after came in a dashing fellow, s.Jirst-rate blood, who threw himself into the opposite seat of JOK Mill T.U. the same box with him, and in a .nost consequential tone bawled out, ' Waiter ! bring me a pint of Ma- deira, and a couple of wax candles, and put them into the next box.' lie then drew to himself Lord Camelford's candles, and set himself to read. His lordship glanced a look of indignation, but, exerting his optics a little more, continued to decypher his paper. The waiter soon re-appeared, and announced his having completed the commands of the gentleman, who immediately lounged round into his box. Lord Camelford having finished his paragraph, called out in a mimic tone, ' Waiter! bring me a pair of snuf- These were quickly brought, when his lord- ship laid down his paper, walked round to the box in which the gentleman was seated, snuffed out both the candles, and leisurely returned to his Bet! Boiling with rage and fury, the indignant beau roared out, ■ Waiter ! waiier ! waiter ! who the devil is this fellow that dares thus to insult a gentleman ? Woo is he? What is he? What do they call him V — id Camelford, Sir,' said the waiter. 'Who? Lord Camelford !' returned the former, in a tone of I scarcely audible ; horror-struck at the recoi- ls >n of his own impertinence, and almost doubting whether he was still in existence ; ' Lord Camelford ! What have I to pay?' On being told, he laid down -core, and actually stole away, without daring to taste his .Madeira. % at the battle of Trafalgar, who actively employed at one of the guns on lite quarter-deck of the Britannia, had his leg shot oil below the knee, and observed to an officer, who was ordering him to be conveyed to the cockpit, 'That's but a shilling touch ; an inch higher and I should i pence for it ;' alluding by this to the sraic of pennons allowed for wounds, which, increase according to their severity. The lame hearty fellow, as they were lifting him on a JOE MILLER. 259 brother tar's shoulders, said to one of his friends, • Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the silver buckle out of my shoe ; 111 do as much for you, please God, some other time.' 844. — The following is an account of a most in- genious stratagem played off at Paris before the Re- volution : the last time that the late queen of France visited the theatre in Paris, the wife of a financier, whose whole merit consisted in a heavy purse, and an ostentatious display of eastern magnificence, sat alone in a box opposite to that of her majesty. She affected to make a parade of a costly pair of brace- lets, which, as the queen now and then cast her eyes upon her, she fondly supposed attracted the admira- tion of her sovereign. She was hugging herself in thoughts that exceedingly flattered her vanity, when a person dressed in the queen's livery, entered the box. ' Madam,' said he, 'you may have perceived how attentively the queen has surveyed those mag- nificent bracelets, which though so precious and costly, still receive greater lustre from the dazzling beauty of the arm which bears them ; I am commis- sioned by her majesty to request you will entrust me with one of them, that her majesty may have a nearer view of the unparalleled jewels.' Melted by the flattering compliment, she did not hesitate, and deli- vered one of her bracelets. Alas ! she soon repented her blind confidence, and heard nothing more of her bracelet till the next morning, when an exempt of the police begged to be admitted, and chid her po- litely for trusting so valuable a trinket in the hands of a stranger ; ' but, madam,' added he, ■ the rogue is taken up, and here is a letter from the Lieutenant de Police, which will explain the whole.' The letter was, indeed, signed ■ De Crone,' and contained a request, that the lady would repair at twelve o'clock to the office, and in the meantime deliver to the ex- empt the other bracelet, that it might be compared 260 JOli MILLEK. with the first, then in his hand, that he might have sufficient proof to commit the sharper. So much at- tention from the chief magistrate filled her with gra- titude, which she expressed in the liveliest terms, bestowing the greatest praise on the vigilance of the police, which in no country was so vigilant as at Paris. In fine, after ordering up a dish of chocolate for the exempt, she put the other bracelet in his hand. They parted, but it was for ever — this pretended ex- empt, proving neither more nor less than the worthy associate of the queen's bold messenger ! 845. — The writer of this article having, many years ago, accompanied Doctor Arne to Cannons, th/j seat of the late Duke of Chandos, to assist at the performance of an oratorio in the chapel of Whit- church, such was the throng of company, that no provisions were to be procured at the duke's house. On going to the Chandos' Arms, in the town of Edge- ware, we made our way into the kitchen, where we found nothing but a solitary leg of mutton on the spit This, the waiter informed me, was bespoke by a party of gentlemen. The doctor (rubbing his el- bow — his usual manner), says to me, ' I'll have that mutton — give me a fiddle-string.' He took the fid- dle-string, cut it in pieces, and privately sprinkling it over the mutton, walked out of the kitchen. Then waiting very patiently till the waiter had served it up, he heard one of the gentlemen exclaim — ' Waiter ! this meat is full of maggots, take it away.* This was what the doctor expected, who was on the watch. — * Here, give it me.' — ' O, Sir,' said the waiter, ■ you can't eat it, it is full of maggots.' — 'O, never mind/ cries the doctor, ' fiddlers have strong stomachs. ' So bearing it away, and scraping off the fiddle-strings, we made a hearty dinner on the apparently maggotty mutton. 846. — At the time when Frederic Moul was en- gaged in translating Libanius, a servant came to tell JOE MILLER. 261 him, that his wife, who had long been in a declining state, was very ill, and wished to speak to him. ' Stop a minute, stop a minute,' said he, ■ 1 have but two sentences to finish, and then I will be with her directly.' Another messenger came to announce, that she was at the last gasp. ■ I have but two words to write,' answered he, 'and then I'll fly to her.' A moment after word was brought to him that she had expired. ' Alas ! I am very sorry for it,' exclaimed the tranquil husbam! I ufe in the world !' Having uttered this brief funeral oration, he went on with his work. 817. — Aft m their victories over the Persians, the Athenians made a law, that on one day in every there should be an exhibition of a cock-fight. This custom is said to have arisen from the following cir- cumstance: — WhenThemistocles led an army of his countrymen against the barbarians, he saw two cocks fighting. The spectacle was not lost on him : he made his army halt, and thus addressed them : — 1 These cocks,' said he, ' are not fighting- for their country, nor for their paternal gods ; nor do they endure this for the monuments of their ancestors, for the sake of glory in the cause of liberty, or for their offspring. The only motive is, that one is deter- mined not to yield to the other.' 848. — Among the many anecdotes which the great Lord Mansfield used to relate, was the following : A St Giles's bird appeared as an evidence before him in some trial concerning a quarrel, and so confounded his lordship with his slang, that he was obliged to dismiss him without getting any information. He w as desired to give an account of all he knew about the business. • Why, my lord,' said he, ■ as I was coming round the corner of the street, I stagged the man.' — ■ Pray,' said Lord Mansfield, ' what is stag- ging a man V — ' Staggirig, my lord ; why you see I vas down upon him,' — ' Well, but I don't understand 262 .lOE M'LKER. down upon him any more than staggifig. Do speak to be understood.' — ' Why, an't please your lordship, I speak as well as I can. I was up, you see, to all he knew.' — ' To all he knew ? I am as much in the dark as ever.' — ■ Well, then, my lord, I'll tell you how it was.' — ' Do so.' — ' Why, my lord, seeing as how he was a rum kid, I was one upon his tiboy.' The fellow was at length sent out of court, and was heard to say to one of his companions, that he had gloriously queered old full-bottom. 849. — A toor woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length recognised by the bi- shop. ■ Pray have I not seen you here before V said his lordship. ' Yes,' replied the woman, ' I get me conform 'd as often as I can ; they tell me it is good for the rheumatis.' 850. — Taxes upon every article which enters into the mouth, or covers the back, or is placed under the foot ; taxes upon every thing which is pleasant to see, hear, feel, smell, and taste ; taxes upon warmth, light, and locomotion ; taxes on every thing on earth, and the waters under the earth ; on every thing that comes from abroad, or is grown at home ; taxes on the raw materials ; taxes on every fresh value that is added to it by the industry of man ; taxes on the sauce which pampers man's appetite, and the drug that restores him to health ; on the ermine which decorates the judge, and the rope which hangs the criminal ; on the poor man's salt, and the rich man's spice ; on the brass nails of the coffin, and the rib- bands of the bride ; at bed and board, couchant or levant, we must pay. The schoolboy whips his taxed top ; the beardless youth manages his taxed horse with a taxed bridle on a road taxed ; and the dying Englishman pouring his medicine, which has paid 7 per cent, into a spoon which has paid l.i per cenL flings himself back upon his Chintz bed which has paid 3. — Sir John Bernard distinguished himself in parliament by his integrity and his firmness. When Sir Robert Walpole, then prime minister, was one day whispering to the Speaker of the House of Commons, who leaned towards him over the arm of 1G\ JOE MILLER. his chair, at the time Sir John Bernard was speak- ing, he exclaimed, ' Mr. Speaker, I address myself to you, and not to your chair ; I will be heard ; I call that gentleman to order.' The Speaker immedi- ately dismissed Sir Robert, and begged Sir John's pardon, requesting him to proceed. Sir Robert Walpole, whose measures Sir John generally opposed, once paid him a high compliment. They were riding in two different parties in a narrow lane, and one of Sir Robert's companions hearing some person speaking before he came up to them, inquired of Sir Robert whose voice it was. ' Do you not know]' replied the minister. ■ It is one I shall never forget ; I have often felt its power.' 854. — 'Susan! 1 said an Irish footman to his fellow servant, 'what are the bells ringing for again?' — * In honour of the Duke of York's birthday, Mr. Murphy.' — ' Be aity now,' rejoined the Hibernian, * none of your blarney — snre, 'twas the Prince Re- day, and how can it be his brother's they are twins V > natural for Dr. Watts, when a child, to speak in rhyme, that even at the very time he wished to avoid it, he could not. 1 1 is father was displeased at this propensity, and threatened to whip him if he did not leave oft' making verses. One day when he was about to put his threat in execution, the child burst into tears, and on his knees said, ' Pray, father, do some pity take, And I will no more verses make.' 8.56. — His royal highness the late Duke of Cumber- hind, being at Newmarket, missed his pocket-book just before the I 'ed, containing a quantity of bank notes. When the cognoscenti of the turf came about him, and offered him several bets he said, ' I have lost my money already, and cannot af- ford to venture any more to-day.' The horse which JOE NIL LEI. 265 the duke had intended to back was distanced ; so he consoled himself that the loss of his pocket-book was only a temporary evil, as he should have forfeited its contents to the worthies of the turf. The race was no sooner finished than a veteran half- pay officer presented his royal highness with the lost pocket- book, saying he had found it near the stand, but had not an opportunity of approaching him earlier. The duke refused to receive it, most generously saying, 1 1 am glad it has fallen into such hands ; keep it ; had it not been for this accident, it would have been by this time dispersed among the black legs of New- market.' 8.57. — A child of one of the crew of his majesty's ship Peacock, during the action with the United States vessel, Hornet, amused himself with chasing a goat between decks. Not in the least terrified by destruction and death all around him, he persisted, till a cannon ball came and took off both the hind legs of the goat, when seeing her disabled, he jumped astride her, crying, ' Now I've caught you.' 8.58. — During an action of Admiral Rodney with the French, a woman assisted at one of the guns on the main-deck, and being asked by the admiral what she did there, she replied, ■ An't please your honour, my husband is sent down to the cock-pit wounded, and I am here to supply his place. Do you think, your honour, I am afraid of the French V After the action, Lord Rodney called her aft, told her she had been guilty of a breach of orders, by being on board, but rewarded her with ten guineas for so gallantly supplying the place of her husband. 859. — In the attack on the strong fortress of St. Fernando de Omao, in the j~ear 1780, an English sailor who had scrambled singly over the wall, had, for Hie better annoyance of the enemy on all sides, armed oimself with a cutlass in each hand. Thus equip- ped, he fell in with a Spanish officer just roused from N 266 job mi Lira. sleep, and who in the hurry and confusion had for- gotten his sword. This circumstance restrained the fury of the British tar, who, disdaining to attack an unarmed foe, but unwilling to relinquish so happy an opportunity of displaying his courage in single combat, presented one of the cutlasses to him, say- ing, ' I scorn any advantage ; you are now upon an equal footing with me.' The astonishment of the officer at such an act of generosity, and the facility with which a friendly parley took place, when he expected nothing else from the uncouth and hostile appearance of his foe, than being cut into pieces in- stantly, and without mercy, could only be rivalled by the admiration which his relation of the story ex- cited in his countrymen. 860. — In the late American war, a New York trader was chased by a small French privateer, and having four guns with plenty of small arms, it was agreed to stand a brush with the enemy rather than be taken prisoners. Among several other passen- gers was an athletic quaker, who, though he with- stood every solicitation to lend a hand, as being con- trary to his religious tenets, kept walking backwards and forwards on the deck, without any apparent fear, the enemy all the time pouring in their shot. At ill the vessels having approached close to each r, a disposition to board was manifested by the French, which was very sood put in execution ; and the quaker being on the look-out, unexpectedly sprung nds the first man that jumped on board, and, pling him forcibly by the collar, coolly said, ' Friend, thou hast no business here,' at the same time hoisting him over the ship's side. B61.— Db. Brocklesby had been sent for to at- tend the Duchess of Richmond's woman, who was so ill as to be confined to her bed. In the hall he met by the duke's valet, who was the woman's hushautl, and who either by nature or locality was as JOE MILLER. 2b7 warm a politician as the Doctor. Public affairs being then peculiarly critical, they became so interested in debate, that the patient was little thought of as they ascended stairs, nor did the conversation relax when they reached the sick woman's chamber. In short, they both quitted the room, returned down stairs, and the Docter quitted Richmond-house, without either of them being aware that they had neither looked at the patient nor spoken to her, or of her. 862. — The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Failing asleep one day after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the general, the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsi- ness. Doddington denied having been asleep ; and to prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cob- ham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story, and Lord Cob- ham owned he had been telling it. 4 And yet,' said Doddington, 4 I did not hear a word of it ; but I went to sleep because I knew that about this time of day you would tell that story.' 864. — When the Earl of Clancarty was captain of a man-of-war, and was cruising on the coast of Guinea, he happened to lose his chaplain by a fever, on which the lieutenant, who was a Scotchman, gave \iim notice of it, saying, at the same time, ■ that he was sorry to inform him that he died a Roman Catho- lic' — * Well, so much the better,' said his lordship. 1 Oot, oot, my lord, how can you say so of a British clergyman V — ' Why,' said his lordship, ' because I believe I am the first captain of a man of-war that could boast of having a chaplain uho had any religiun at all: 863. — It is recorded to the honour of our Edward the Third, that one day, having laid down upon a couch, one of his domestics, who did not know that he was in the chamber, came softly into it, and stole some money out of a chest he found open, which the 268 JOE MILLER. king let him carry off without saying a word. Pre- sently after, the boy returned to make a second at- tempt : at this the king called out to him, without any violence of passion, ' Sirrah, you had best be satisfied with what you have got ; for if my chamber- lain come and catch you, he will not only take away what you have stolen, but also whip you severely.' The chamberlain came in at this instant, and seizing the money, fell into a great rage ; but the king calmly said, ■ Tut, man, be content ; the chest should not have been left open ; the temptation was too strong for the poor youth : he perhaps wanted money more than we do, and there is, you see, still enough left for us !' 865. — Diogenes, visiting Plato at his villa, and perceiving that the floors were beautifully spread w ith carpets of the richest wool and finest dye, stamp- ing his foot in sardonic scorn, he exclaimed, 'Thus do I tread on the pride of Plato !' — ' With greater pride/ mildly replied Plato. 866. — Voiture having satirized a nobleman who was powerful at court, the latter sought every occa- sion to revenge himself, and challenged Voiture to fight him with swords. ■ We are not equals,' replied the; poet ; * you are very great, I am little ; you are brave, I am cowardly ; you wish to kill me — eh bien ; I will consider myself as dead.' This timely jest turned the anger of the nobleman into irrestrainable laughter, and they parted good friends. 867.^-In the time of the old court, the faces or the Parisian ladies were spotted with patches like f>ards, and plastered with rouge like so many red ions of the road side. Lord Chesterfield being sst Paris, was asked by Voltaire if he did not think some Ffench ladies, then in company, whose cheeks were fashionably tinted, very beautiful, ' Excuse me,' said Clie*tern>kl, ' from giving an opinion : I am really no judge of paintings.' JOE MILLER. 269 868. — Lord Chancellor Hard wick was very fond of entertaining his visitors with the following story of his bailiff, who, having been ordered by his lady to procure a sow of a particular description, came one day into the dining-room when full of company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he could not suppress, 4 I have been at Rovston fair, my lady, and I have got a sow exactly of your ladyship's size.' 869. — King Jambs II. treated Waller, the poet, with great kindness and familiarity. Taking him one day into his closet, the king asked him how he liked a particular picture, which he pointed out. ' My eyes,' said Waller, then at an advanced age, 'are dim, and I do not know it.' The king said it was the Princess of Orange. ' She is/ said Waller, 1 like the greatest woman in the world.' The king asked who that was ; and was answered, ' Queen Elizabeth.' — 'I wonder,' said James, 'you should think so ; but I must confess she had a wise council.' — ' And, Sire,' returned Waller quickly, ' did you ever know a fool choose a wise one V 870. — In Mr. Fox's frolicsome days, a tradesman, who held his bill for two hundred pounds, called for payment. Charles said he could not then discharge it. ■ How can that be,' said the creditor ; ■ you have just now lying before you bank notes to a large amount.' — ■ Those,' replied Mr. Fox, ' are for paying my debts of honour.' The tradesman immediately threw his bill into the fire. ' Now, Sir,' said he, 4 mine is a debt of honour, which I cannot now oblige you to pay.' Charles, much to his honour, instantly paid him his full demand. 871. — In the evening of the day on which Sir Eard- ley Wilmot kissed hands on being appointed chief- justice, his son, a youth of seventeen, attended him to his bed-side. ' Now,' said he, 4 my son, I will tell you a secret, worth knowing and remembering. The ele- vation I have met with in life, particularly this Kst 270 JOU MILLER, instance of It, has not been owing to any superior merit or abilities, but to my humility ; to my not setting up myself above others ; and to an uniform endeavour to pass through life, void of offence towards God and man.' — A gentleman once went to him, under the impression of great wrath and indigna- tion at a real injury he had received from a person high in power, and which he was meditating how to resent in the most effectual manner. After relating the particulars, he asked Sir Eardley if he did not think it would be manly to resent it? ' Yes,' said the christian knight, ' it will be manly to resent it, but it will be God-like to forgive it.' This had such an effect upon the gentleman, that he came away quite a different man, and in a very subdued temper from that in which he went. 872. — Lord Waldegrave abjured the Catholic religion ; he was afterwards appointed ambassador at Paris, and was one day teased upon the subject of his conversion, by the Duke of Berwick. * Pray, Mr. Ambassador,' said he, ' who had most to do in your conversion — the ministers of state, or the minis- ters of religion?' — 'That is a question,' said his lordship calmly, 'you must excuse my answering, for when I ceased to be a Catholic, I renounced con- fession.' 87.3. — Fletcher, bishop of Nismes, was the son of a tallow-chandler. A proud duke once endeavoured to mortify the prelate, by saying, at the levee, that he smelt of tallow : to which the bishop replied, ' My lord, I am the son of a chandler, it is true, and if your lordship had been the same, you would have re- mained a tallow-chandler all the days of your life.' 874. — Lord Stanley came plainly dressed to re- quest a private audience of King .Tames I., but was refused admittance into the royal closet by a spruce- ly-dressed countryman of the king's. James hearing the altercation between the two, came out, and in- JOE MILLF.K. 271 quired the cause. ■ My liege,' said Lord Stanley, * this gay countryman of yours has refused me ad- mittance to your presence.' — ' Cousin,' said the king, 1 how shall I punish him ? Shall I send him to the Tower V — 'O no, my liege,' replied Lord Stanley, ' inflict a severer punishment — bend him back to Scotland !' 87o.— Archbishop Laud was a man of very short stature. Charles the First and the Archbishop were one day sat down to dinner, when it was agreed that Archy, the king's jester, should say grace for them, which he did in this fashion : — ' Great praise be given to God, but little Laud to the devil !' — For this sally Laud was weak enough to insist upon Archy's dis- missal. 875. — A vacant sec was to be supplied, and the synod observed to the Emperor Peter the Great, that they had none but ignorant men to present to his majesty. ■ Well then,' replied the Czar, ' you have only to pitch upon the most honest man : he will be worth two learned ones.' 877. — The witty Lord Ross, having spent all his money in London, set out for Ireland, in order to re- cruit his purse. On his way, he happened to meet with Sir Murrough O'Brien, driving for the capital in a Lofty phaeton, with six prime dun-coloured horses. 'Sir Murrough,' exclaimed his lordship, 'what a contrast there is betwixt you and me 1 You are driving your duns before you, but my duns are driving me before them.' 878. — Richard the First, on the Pope reclaiming as a son of the church, a bishop whom that king had taken prisoner in battle, sent him the prelate's coat- of-mail, and in the words of the scripture, asked him, 1 Know now whether this be thy son's coat or notV 879. — When the Duke of Sully was called upon oy Louis the Thirteenth to give his advice in some great emergency, he observed the favourites of the 272 joi: MILL BR new king whispering to one another, and smiling at his plain and unfashionable appearance. * Whenever your Majesty's father,' said the old warrior and statesman, ' did me the honour to consult me, he ordered the buffoons of the court to retire into the antechamber.' This severe reproof silenced the satel- lites, who instantly hid ' their diminished heads.* 880. — Whin James the First proposed to some of his council this question, — ' Whether he might not take his subjects' money when he needed it for the affairs of his government, without all the formality of parliament V Bishop Neile replied, ' God forbid you should not, for you are the breath of our nostrils.' Bishop Andrews declined answering, saying, that he was not skilled in parliamentary questions ; but upon -./e king's urging him, and saying that he would admit of no evasion, the bishop replied, ' Why, then, 1 think your Majesty may lawfully take my brother Neile's money, for he says you may.' 881. — The late lord Willoughby dc Broke was a very singular character, and had more peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the house of peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the door, he called out in a very loud voice, ' Where can my fellow be?' — • Not in Europe, my lord,' said Anthony Henley, who hap- pened to be near him, ' not in Europe,' 882. — The marquis Delia Sealas, an Italian no- bleman, having invited the neighbouring gentry to a grand entertainment, where all the delicacies of the on were provided, some of the company arrived very early, for the purpose of paying their respects to his excellency : soon after which, the major-domo, entering the dining-room in a great hurry, told the marquis that there was a most wonderful fisherman below, who had brought one of the finest fish in all Italy ; for which, however, lie demanded a most ex- travagant price. ' Regard not his price,' cried the JOE MILLER. 273 marquis ; ' pay him the money directly.' — * So I would, please your highness, but he refuses to take any money.' — ' What, then, would the fellow have !' — ■ A hundred strokes of the strappado on his bare shoulders, my lord ; he says he will not bate a single blow.' On this the w iole company ran down stairs, to see so singular a man. 'A fine fish !' cried the marquis. ' What is your demand, my friend !' — ■ Not a quatrini, my lord,' answered the fisherman : ' I w ill not take money. If your lordship wishes to have the fish, you must order me a hundred lashes of the strap- pado on my naked back ; otherwise I shall apply elsewhere.' — ' Rather than lose the fish,' said the marquis, ' we must e'en let this fellow have his hu- mour. Here !' cried he to one of his grooms, ■ dis- charge this honest man's demands - but don't lay on too hard ; don't hurt the poor devil very much!' The fisherman then stripped, and the groom prepared to execute his lordship's orders. ' Now, my friend,' said the fisherman, 4 keep an exact account, I beseech you ; for I don't desire a single stroke more than my due.' The whole company were astonished at the amazing fortitude with which the man submitted to the operation, till he had received the fiftieth lash ; when, addressing himself to the servant, ' Hold, my friend,' cried the fisherman ; ' I have now had my full share of the price.' — 'Your share?' exclaimed the marquis ; ' what is the meaning of all this V — ■ My lord,' returned the fisherman, 4 I have a partner, to whom my honour is engaged, that he shall have his full half of whatever I receive for the fish ; and your lordship, I dare venture to say, will by and by own that it would be a thousand pities to defraud him of a single stroke.' — 'And pray, honest friend/ said the marquis, ■ who is this partner V — ' Your porter, my lord,' answered the fisherman, ■ who keeps the outer gate, and refused to admit me, unless I would pro- mise him half what I should obtain for the fish.' — N 2 274 Joli MIL ILK. ■Ho! lio !' exclaimed the marqui3, laughing very heartily, ' by the blessing of heaven, he shall have Rouble his demand in full tale !' The porter was ac- cordingly sent for ; and, being stripped to the skin, two grooms were directed to lay on with all their might till he had fairly received what he was so well entitled to. The marquis then ordered his steward to pay the fisherman twenty sequins ; desiring him to call annually for the like sum, as a recompense for the friendly service he had rendered him. B83. — Mr. Pope being one night crossing the street from Button's coffee-house, when the moon occasionally peeped through a cloud, was accosted by a link-boy with, ■ Light, your honour, light your honour!' He repeatedly exclaimed, * I do not want you.' But the lad still following him, he peevishly cried out, ' Get about your business, God mend me ! 1 will not give you a farthing ; it's light enough.' — 'It's light enough/ echoed the lad, 'what's light enough ? your head or your pocket ? God mend you, indeed ! it would be easier for God Almighty to make two men, than mend one such as you.' 884.— The celebrated Florentine physician, An- drea Baccio, who has been styled the Italian Rad- cliff'e, for his astonishing penetration as to diseases, resembled that singular man, also, in the blunt me- thod of delivering his sentiments. He was one day called to attend on a woman of quality. He went, felt her pulse, and asked her how old she was. She told him, ' above fourscore.' — ' And how long would you liveV said the cross physician, quitting her hand, and making the best of his way out of her house. 885. — ■ Your unchristian virulence against me/ said a Huguenot who had been persecuted for preach- ing, ' shall cost hundreds of people their lives.' This menace brought the author into trouble ; he was cited to a court of justice, and was charged with harbour- joi: MILLER. 275 ing the most bloody designs against his fellow-sub- jects. ■ I am innocent/ said he, * of all you lay to my account. My only meaning was, that I meant (since I could not act as a minister) to practise as a physician.' 886. — The father of the late Lord Hardwick was hanged for forgery. When Lord H. sat as chan- cellor, an old countryman was examined as to a par- ticular fact, the date of which he could not recollect. 4 All that I remember about it,' says he, 4 is, that it happened on the day old Yorke was hanged.' 887. — Judge D married the sister of Mr. P , who killed a gentleman unfairly. He ap- plied to king George I. to pardon his relation, con- fessing at the 6ame time, that little could be urged in his favour ; but hoped his majesty would save him and his family from the infamy of P 's execution. 4 So, Mr. Judge,' says the King, ' what you want is, that I should transfer the infamy from you and your family, to me and my family.' 888^.re, take away this rascal, lest he should corrupt all these honest men !' 907. — Petbb the Great was once shewn a parallel, in a foreign paper, between himself and Louis XI V\, in which the latter was pronounced to be greatly in- ferior to him. ' If there be any thing in which I may claim superiority ,' said Peter, ' it is, that I have been able to govern the clergy, instead of being governed by them, as was my brother Louis.' 908. — Lord Yarmouth (now Marquis of Hert- ford) visiting Spain, was shown the hscuria.1, and the superb convent of monks of the order of St. Ilierom. The superior, who conducted him, related, among JOB MILLER. 281 other particulars, that this vast structure had been built by Philip the Second, to fulfil a vow he had made on the eve of the battle of St. Quintin. His lordship, admiring the immense extent of the edifice, observed, * When the monarch made such a vow, he must have been terribly frightened.' 909>— The Duke de Roquelaure meeting a very ugly country-gentleman at court, who had a suit to offer, presented it to the king, and urged his request, saying, he was under the greatest obligation to the suitor. The king asked what were these great obli- gations 1 ' Ah, Sire, were it not for him, I should be the ugliest man in your Majesty's dominions !' 910. — George the First was once present at a masked ball, where he fell into conversation with a lady likewise masked, and with whom he was un- acquainted. The lady proposed to his majesty to go to the sideboard to refresh themselves ; the king con- sented. They were served with wine : — ' To the health of the Pretender,' said the lady. ■ With all my heart,' replied the generous Monarch ; ' I drink willingly to the health of all unfortunate princes!' 911. — When Buonaparte, then First Consul for life, wished to take the title of Emperor, his brother Lucien opposed himself to the project with all his power — * Your ambition knows no bounds,' exclaim- ed he ; ' you are master of France, you wish to be master of all Europe. Do you know what the result will be 1 . You will be smashed to pieces like this watch,' — flinging his watch violently on the floor. 912. — At a dinner-party at the Duke of Or- mond's, in 1715, Sir William Wyndham, in a jocular dispute about short prayers, told the company, among whom was Bishop Atterbury, that the shortest prayer he had ever heard was that of a common soldier just before the battle of Blenheim : — ' O God, if there be a God, save my soul, if I have a soul.' This was followed by a general laugh. Atterbury seemed to 282 JOB MILLER. join in the conversation, and applying himself to Sir William \Vyntone went to his house ; the poor man fell at his feet, and implored mercy. The poet took him home with him, and provided him with employment. 931. — Gi:orge III. in his walks about his farms, was often alone, and many pleasant little incidents occurred on meeting with rustics, to whom he was sometimes unknown. One day he had to pass through a narrow hedge gate, on which sat a young clown, who shewed no readiness in moving. ' Who are you, boy Y said the king. ' 1 be a pig boy,' answered he. 4 Where do you come from ? Who do you work for here V — ' I be from the low country ; out of work at present.' — * Don't they want lads here !' said the king. * I doan't know/ rejoined the boy, ' all belongs hereabouts to Georgy.' — 4 Pray,' said his Majesty, 4 who is Georgy V — ' He be the king, and lives at the Castle, but he does no good for ine ' His Majestj immediately gave orders at his farm hard by, to have the boy employed ; and when he saw him, told him to be a steady lad, and * Georgy 1 might do some good for him. 932. — In one of the excursions of George III. during the hay harvest in the neighbourhood of Wey- mouth, he passed a field where only one woman was at work. His Majesty asked her where the rest of her companions were 1 The woman answered, they are gone to see the king. ' And why did you not go with them V rejoined his Majesty. ■ I would not give a pin to see him ! ? replied the woman ; ' besides, the fools that have gone to town will lose a day's work by it, and that is more than I can afford to do. 1 have five children to work for,' ice. 4 Well then,* said his Majesty, putting some money into her hands, ' you may tell your companions who are gone to see the king, that the king came to see you.* O 29U JOL MILLER. 933. — In the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller ob- jected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and demanded an answer. The judge again interposed his authority in these emphatic words: 4 Sit down, Mr. Erskine ; know your duty, or I shall be obliged to make you know it.' Mr. Erskine with equal warmth replied, ' 1 know my duty as well as your lordship knows your duty. I stand here as the advocate of a fellow-citizen, and I will not sit down/ The judge was silent, and the advocate persisted in his question. 9.34. — Admiral Lord Howe, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. ' If that be the case,' said he, ■ rising lei- surely to put on his clothes, we shall soon know it.' The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, ■ You need not, Sir, be afraid, the fire is extinguished.' — ' Afraid !' exclaimed Howe, ' what do you mean by that, Sir? 1 never was afraid in my life ;' and looking the lieu- tenant full in the face, he added, ' Pray how does a man feel, Sir, when he is afraid? I need not ask how he looks.' 933. — In Earl Howe's engagement with the French fleet, on the 1st of June, 1791, the Marlborough, by intrepidly bieaking the enemy's line, became totally dismasted, and in that situation dropped with her stern on the bows of a French eighty-four, whose bowsprit came over the Marlborough's poop. The Frenchmen were preparing to board, though with evident reluctance, when an English sailor of the name of Appleford, to be beforehand with them, mounted their bowsprit, and with his cutlass boldly leaped upon their forecastle, which he not only took JOE MILLER. 291 possession of, but forced his adversaries to fly for safety to the waist of the ship. A French officer, observing the uncommon behaviour of the British tar, rushed from the quarter-deck, to reproach so many of his men for running away from one ; and to convince them of his own honour, instantly made an attack upon Appleford, who however was fortunate enough to conquer him. His situation by this time becoming extremely dangerous, he thought it best to effect his retreat, as he was not at that time assisted on the spot by any of his countrymen: with this intention he again mounted the bowsprit, and by courageously springing from it, reached the poop-deck of his own ship at the moment when the vessels were drifting from each other. — During the confusion of the battle.the Marlborough was taken by several English ships for a Frenchman, more particularly so, as the whole of her colours had been shot away, but one white ensign which was then hoisted, This circumstance occasioned much de- struction from the fire of those ships which fell into the mistake. At length the solitary ensign was also shot away ; and by this circumstance, the honour of Old England for a moment appeared to suffer. From the impossibility of replacing the colours, it seemed as if the ship had struck to the French, an idea which operated so strongly on the mind of Appleford, that he loudly exclaimed, ■ The English colours shall never be dous'd where I am !' Then casting his eyes round the deck, he perceived the dead body of a ma- rine, who had been shot through the head ; he in- stantly stripped off his red coat, stuck it on a board- ing pike, and exalted it in the air, swearing that the Englishmen would not desert their colours, and that when all the red coats were gone, they would hoist blue jackets. The singularity of such conduct in- fused fresh spirit into the hardy sons of Neptune, and they bravely fought till the glorious moment when the terrific struggle ended in victory. 292 JOE MILLER. 936. — When Rochelle was besieged by the "Royal- ist armies in 1627, the inhabitants elected for their Mayor, Captain, and Governor, Jean Guiton. Thi3 brave man at first modestly refused the office ; but being pressed by all his fellow-townsmen, he took up a poignard and said, ' I will be mayor since you wish it, but on the condition that I may be permitted to strike this poignard to the heart of the first who speaks of surrendering. I consent that you shall do the same to me, if I mention capitulating ; and I demand that this poignard lie always ready on the table, when we assemble in the Town House.' Cardinal de Richelieu, who conducted the operations of the siege, had raised a mole before the gate of the city, which shut up the entrance, and prevented provisions from reaching it. Some one saying to Guiton that many of the people had perished of hunger, and that death would soon sweep away all the inhabitants: — 'Well,' said he coolly, ' it will be sufficient if one remains to shut the gates.' 937. — The spirit of litigation was, perhaps, never carried to a greater extent, than in the cause between two eminent potters of Handley Green, Staffordshire, for a sum of two pounds, nine shillings, and one penny. After being in chancery eleven years, from 1749 to 1760, it was put an end to by John Morton and Handle Wilbraham, Esquires, to whom it was referred ; when they determined that the complainant filed his bill without any cause, and that he was in- debted to the defendant at the same time the sum for which he had brought this action. This they awarder him to pay, with a thousand guineas of costs ! 938. — The longest suit on record in England, is one which existed between the heirs of Sir Thomas Talbot, Viscount Lisle, and the heirs of a Lord 1'erkeley, respecting some property in the county of Gloucester, not far from Wotton-under-Edge. It began at the end of the reign of Edward the Fourth, JO! tfll.LLR. 293 and was pending until the beginning of that of James the First, when it was finally compounded, being a period of not less than one hundred and twenty years ! 939. — ' I have always remarked,' says the cele- brated traveller Ledyard, ' that women in all countries are civil, obliging, tender, and humane. To a woman, whether civilized or savage, I never addressed myself in the language of decency and friendship, without receiving a decent and friendly answer. With man, it has often been otherwise. In wandering over the barren plains of inhospitable Denmark ; through honest Sweden, and frozen Lapland ; rude and chur- lish Finland ; unprincipled Russia ; and the wide- spread regions of the wandering Tartar, if hungry, dry, cold, wet, or sick, the women have ever been friendly to me, and uniformly so ; and to add to this virtue (so worthy the appellation of benevolence), these actions have been performed in so free and kind a manner, that if I was dry, I drank the sweetest draught ; and if hungry I ate the coarsest morsel with a double relish. 940. — When Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a mutiny broke out in the ship, on account of some accidental delay in the clerks paying some of the crew, in consequence of which they signed what is termed a round robin, wherein they declared, to a man, that they would not fire a gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this declaration, caused all hands to be called upon deck, and thus addressed them : * My lads, the money can- not be paid till we return to port, and as to your not fighting, that is mere nonsense : — I'll clap you along- side the first large ship of the enemy 1 see, and I know that the devil himself will not be able to keep you from it.' The tars were so pleased with this com- pliment that they all returned to their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten times over. 2fM JOB MILL Eft. 941. — The late Earl of Pembroke, who had many good qualities, but always persisted inflexibly in his own opinion, which, as well as his conduct, was often very singular, thought of an expedient to pre- vent the exhortations and importunities of those about him. This was to feign himself deaf ; and under pretence of hearing very imperfectly, he would always form his answer not by what was really said to him, but by what he desired to have said. Among other servants was one who had lived with him from a child, and served him with great fidelity and affec- tion, till at length he became his coachman. This man by degrees got a habit of drinking, for which his lady often desired that he might be dismissed. My lord always answered, ' Yes, indeed, John is an ex- cellent servant/ — ' I say,' replied the lady, ' that he is continually drunk, and desire that he may be turned off.' — * Aye,' said his lordship, ' he has lived with me from a child, and, as you say, a trifle of wages should not part us.' John, however, one evening, as he was driving from Kensington, over- turned his lady in Hyde Park ; she was not much hurt, but when she came home, she began to rattle the earl. ' Here,' says she, • is that beast John, so drunk that he can scarcely stand ; he has overturned the coach, and if he is not discharged, may break our necks.' — ' Aye,' says my lord, * is poor John sick 1 Alas, I am sorry for him.' — ' I am complaining,' says my lady, ' that he is drunk, and has overturned me.' — ' Aye,' answered his lordship, ' to be sure he has behaved very well, and shall have proper advice.' My lady, finding it hopeless to remonstrate, went away in a pet ; and my lord having ordered John into his presence, addressed him very coolly in these words : * John, you know 1 have a regard for you, and as long as you behave well you shall be taken care of in my family : my lady tells me you are taken ill, and indeed I see that you can hardly stand ; go JOE MILLER. 2S5 to bed, and I will take care that you have proper advice.' John, being thus dismissed, was taken to bed, where, by his lordship's order, a large blister was put upon his head, another between his shoul- ders, and sixteen ounces of blood taken from his arm. John found himself next morning in a woful plight, and was soon acquainted with the whole process, and the reason upon which it was commenced. He had no remedy, however, but to submit, for he would rather have incurred as many more blisters than lose his place. My lord sent very formally twice a-day to know how he was, and frequently congratulated my lady upon John's recovery, whom he directed to be fed only with water-gruel, and to have no com- pany but an old nurse. In about a week, John hav- ing constantly sent word that he was well, my lord thought fit to understand the messenger, and said, 1 that he was extremely glad to hear that the fever had left him, and desired to see him.' When John came in, ' Well., John,' says he, ' I hope this bout is over.' — ' Ah, my lord,' says John, ■ I humbly ask your lordship's pardon, and I promise never to com- mit the same fault again.' — 'Aye, aye,' says my lord, 'you are right, nobody can prevent sickness, and if you should be sick again, John, I shall see it, though perhaps you should not complain, and I promise you shall always have the same advice, and the same attendance that you have had now.' — ' God bless your lordship,' says John, ' I hope there will be no need.' — ' So do I too,' said his lordship, ■ but as long as you do your duty to me, never fear, I shall do mine to you.' 942. — When that great statesman, Lord Chatham, had settled a plan for some sea expedition he had in view, he sent orders to Lord Anson to see the neces- sary arrangements taken immediately, and the num- ber of ships required, properly fitted out by a given time. On the receipt of the orders, Mr. Cleveland 2 in again ; the bottles and glasses were gone, the books had expanded themselves so as to re-occupy the whole table, and he was just as much buried in them as when you first came in.' 960.— Dr. Moncey was always strangely infatu- ated with fears of the public funds, a bug-bear thai drove him to risk his money on troublesome securi- ties, and ultimately produced heavy losses. lie used to speak feelingly of a Welsh parson and a London attorney. The doctor was frequently anxi- ous, in his absence from his apartment, for a place of safety in which to deposit his cash and notes ; bureaus and strong boxes, he was conscious, had often failed in security. Previous to a journey to Norfolk to visit his brother and friends during the hot weather in July, he chose the fire-place of his sitting-room for his treasury, and placed bank-notes and cash to a considerable amount in that unusual situation, in one corner, under the cinders and shav- ings. On his return after a month's absence, he found his old woman (as he: always called his house- keeper) preparing to treat a friend or two with a cup of tea; and by way of shewing respect to her guests, the parlour (or master's sitting-room) fire-place was chosen to make the kettle boil, as she never expected her master till she saw him. The fire had not long been lighted, when her master arrived at the critical moment. When the doctor entered the room the company had scarcely began tea. He ran across the room like a madman, saying, ' Hang it, you have ruined me for ever: you have burned all my bank- notes !' — First went the contents of the slop-bason, then the tea-pot ; then he rushed to the pump in the kitchen, and brought a pail of water, which he threw partly over the fire and partly over the company, who in the utmost consternation, got out of his way JOE MILLER. 303 as speedily as possible. His housekeeper, afterwards Mrs. Marriot, cried out, ' For God's sake, Sir, for- bear ; you will spoil the steel stove aud fire irons.' — ' D — n the irons, you, your company and all ! (replied the doctor) you have ruined and undone me for ever; you have burned my bank-notes.' — 'Lord, Sir (said the half-drowned woman), who'd think of putting- bank-notes in a bath stove, where a fire is ready laid V — ' And (resumed he) who'd think of making a fire in the summer time, where there has not been one for these several months V He then pulled out all the coals and cinders, and at one coiner he found the remains of his bank-notes, for being twice folded, one quarter of them so doubled, wrapt in brown paper, was entire, so as to *^e legible. Next day Dr. Moncey went to Lord Godolphin's, told his lordship the story, producing the remains of the notes, and with such energetic gestures in acting the part of finding them, as greatly diverted the noble lord. He told the doctor, however, that he would go with him to the Bank the next day, and get the cash for him, through his influence, and would be collateral secu- rity for the doctor's integrity and honesty as to their value. Lord Godolphin having occasion to see the king that day on business, told his majesty the story of Moncey and his bank-notes. Being well ac- quainted with the doctor's strange character, the king resolved to go to lord Godolphin's next morning, and conceal himself in a closet. When Moncey came, it was agreed, that lord Godolphin should ask him to repeat the story, which upon his arrival, lord Godolphin effected with much difficulty. His ma- jesty was so highly diverted, that, in attempting to stifle the mirth it excited, and to withdraw unper- ceived, he stumbled, and the closet door opened. The doctor was much chagrined with lord Godolphin for running the laugh on him, and just broke out 1 G— d' when his majesty appeared, and on see- 304 JOE MILLER. ing him, the doctor continued . * bless your majesty ! this may be a joke with you and his lordship, but with me a loss of nearly four hundred pounds.' — ' No, no (replied lord Godolphin), for I am ready to go with you immediately, and get your notes renewed, or the money for them.' Lord Godolphin ordered his carriage, and agreed to meet the doctor at the room in the Bank, where some of the directors daily attend. The doctor being obliged to go to the Horse Guards, on business, took water at Whitehall for the Bank. In going down the river his curiosity excited him to pull out his pocket-book, to see if the remains of his notes were safe ; when a sudden puff of wind blew them out of his pocket-book into the river. ■ Put back, you sons of b ! put back — (says the doctor) my bank-notes are overboard !' He was instantly obeyed, and when they reached them, he took his hat and dipped it in the water, in- closing the notes and a hatful! of water. In this state he put it under his arm, and desired to be set on shore immediately. He was landed at the Three Cranes, walked straight to the Bank, and was shewn into the room where lord Godolphin had just before arrived, and had given notice of Dr. Moncey's com- ing. — ' What have you under your arm V said lord Godolphin : 'The notes,' replied the doctor, throw- ing his hat with the contents on the table, among all their books and papers ; and with such a force, as to scatter the water in the faces of all who were standing near it. 'There (said the doctor) take the remainder of your notes, for neither fire nor water will consume them !' %1. — Dr. Ridclitw was remarkable for a sud- den thought in extraordinary cases : he was once sent for into the country to a gentleman who was Iy ill of a quinsey ; and the doctor soon perceived that no application, internal or external, would be of any service ; upon which he desired the joe mill: r. 305 lady of the house to order the cook to make a large hasty-pudding ; and when it was done, to let hii own servant bring it up. While the cook was about it, he took his man aside, and instructed him what he was to do. In a short time the man brought up the pudding in great order, and set it on the table, in full view of the patient. ' Come, John,' said he, ' you love hasty-pudding, eat some along with me, for I believe you came out without your breakfast.' Both began with their spoons, but John's spoon go- ing twice to his master's once, the doctor took occa- sion to quarrel with him, and dabbed a spoonful of hot pudding in his face ; John resented it, and threw another at his master. This put the doctor in a passion ; and, quitting his spoon, he took the pud- ding up by handfuls, and threw it at his man ; who battled him again in the same manner, till they were both in a most woeful pickle. The patient, who had a full view of the skirmish, was so tickled at the fancy, that he burst into a laughter, which broke the quinsey, and cured him. The doctor and his man were well rewarded. 962. — ' Sitting once in my library/ says Mr. Harris, * with a friend, a worthy but melancholy man, I read him out of a book the following passage : "In our time it may be spoken more truly than of old, that virtue is gone, the church is under foot, the clergy is in error, the devil reigneth." My friend interrupted me with a sigh, and said, "Alas! how true ! how just a picture of the times !" I asked him of what times 1 " Of what times !" replied he with emotion ; " can you suppose any other but the pre- sent — were any before ever so corrupt, so badl" — " Forgive me," said I, u for stopping you ; the times I am reading of are older than you imagine ; the sentiment was delivered about four hundred years ugo ; its author was Sir John Mandeville, who died in 1571." ' 306 JOC MILLFR. 963. — A recruitino serjeant addressing an ho- nest country bumpkin in one of the streets in Man- chester, with — ■ Come, my lad, thou'lt fight for thy king, won't thou V — ' Voight for my king/ answered Hodge, ■ why, has he fawn out wi' ony body V 964. — After a battle lately between two cele- brated pugilists, an Irishman made his way to the chaise, where the one who had lost the battle had been conveyed, and said to him, ■ How are you, my good fellow 1 can you see at all with the eye that's knocked out?' 96h. — Dr. Pitcairn had one Sunday stumbled into a Presbyterian church, probably to beguile a few idle moments (for few will accuse that gentle- man of having been a warm admirer of Calvinism), and seeing the parson apparently overwhelmed by the importance of his subject : — ■ What the devil makes the man greet V said Pitcairn to a fellow that stood near him. ■ By my faith, Sir,' answered the other, * you would perhaps greet too, if you were in his place, and had as little to say.' — ' Come along with me, friend, and let's have a glass together; you are too good a fellow to be here,' said Pitcairn, de- lighted with the man's repartee. 966. — The following passage occurs in the Jour- nal of the Rev. J. Wesley, under the date of Thurs- day, 27th of December, 1744. — ■ I called on the so- licitor whom I had employed in the suit lately com- menced against me in chancery. And here I first saw that foul monster, a chancery bill ! A scroll it was of forty-two pages in large folio, to tell a story which need not have taken up forty lines ! And stuffed with such stupid, senseless, improbable lies (many of them too quite foreign to the question), as I believe would have cost the compiler his life, in any heathen court either of Greece or Rome. And this is equity in a Christian country ! This is the English method of redressing grievances.' JOE MILLER. 307 967. — The Duke of Bridgewater was a very shy man and much disliked general society ; and was either denied to morning visitors, or contrived to slip out of the way when any one called on him. The clergyman of the parish, .Mr. Kenyon, who had some particular business with him respecting the tithes of the parish, had often tried to gain admittance to him, but in vain, being always told that his grace was very busy, or was not at home. Determined, how- ever, to have an interview with him, Mr. K. called at a very early hour in the morning, thinking he should be certain, by this plan, of finding the duke at home. But still he was disappointed, the servant giving the customary answer, that his grace was gone out. Mr. Kenyon, fully assured that this was not the case, and steady to his point, loitered about the house, that he might catch its noble owner when he quitted it. In a short time he perceived his grace slip out of a back door. Mr. Kenyon did not shew himself, lest the duke, seeing him, might slip in again, but kept his eye upon him, till he saw him cross a field, and take the way to his navigation. He then walked hastily after the object of his pursuit ; but not being able to conceal himself, was soon discovered by the duke. His grace, perceiving that he must be over- taken, instantly took to his heels : Mr. Kenyon did the same. They both ran stoutly for some time, till the duke, seeing he had the worst of the course, turned aside and jumped into a saw-pit. He was fol- lowed in a trice, into his place of refuge, by his pur- suer, who immediately exclaimed, ■ Now, my lord duke, I have you.' His grace burst into a fit of laughter, and the business of the tithe was quickly and amicably settled. 968. — The late Duke of N , who was what is called a six-bottle man, was very fond of the society of a person much his inferior in rank ; and their in- timacy has been very rationally accounted for. on the 308 JOB MILLER. principle of mutual assistance. The duke, when in- ebriated, lost his voice, but retained the use of his limbs ; his friend, on the contrary, retained his power of speech, but could not stand. So the duke, who could not speak, rang the bell ; and his friend, who could not move, ordered more wine. 969. — Some time after the Eddystone lighthouse was erected, a shoemaker engaged to be light-keeper. When in the boat which conveyed him thither, the skipper addressing him, said,' How happens it, Jacob, that you should choose to go and be cooped up here as a light-keeper, when you can on shore, as I am told, earn half-a-crown and three shillings a day in making leathern hose (leathern pipes so called) ; whereas the light-keeper's salary is but 25/. a year, which is scarce ten shillings a week?' — ' Every one to his taste,' replied Jacob, promptly. ' I go to be a light-keeper, because I don't like confinement.'' After this answer had produced its share of merri- ment, Jacob explained himself by saying, that he did not like to be confined to work. — At first there were only two light-keepers stationed on this solitary pile ; but an incident of a very extraordinary and distress- ing nature, which occurred, shewed the necessity of an additional hand. One of the two keepers took ill, and died. The dilemma in which this occurrence left the survivor, was singularly painful. Appre- hensive that if he tumbled the dead body into the sea, which was the only way in his power to dispose of it, he might be charged with murder, he was in- duced for sonic time to let the dead body lie, in hopes that the attending boat might be able to land, and relieve him from the distress he was in. By degrees the body became so putrid, that it was not in his power to get quit of it without help, for it was near a month before the boat could effect a landing ; and then it was not without the greatest difficulty that it could be done when they did land. To such a de- JOE MILLER. 309 gree was the whole building filled with the stench of the corpse, that it was all they could do to get the dead body disposed of, and thrown into the sea ; and it was some time after that, before the rooms could be freed from the offensive stench that was left. What a situation for the solitary survivor to have been left in ! what a price did he pay for an innocent reputation ! The tale is a rival even to that of Me- zentius. 970. — Mr. Palmer going home, after the business of the theatre was concluded one evening, saw a man lying on the ground, with another on him beating him violently ; upon this he remonstrated with the uppermost, telling him his conduct was unfair, and that he ought to let his opponent get up, and have an equal chance with him. The fellow drolly turned up his face to Mr. Palmer, and drily replied, ' Faith, Sir, if you had been at as much trouble to get him down as I have, you would not be for letting him get up so readily.' 971. — A sailor, who had been many years absent from his mother, who lived in an inland county, re- turned to his native village, after a variety of voyages to different parts of the globe, and was heartily wel- comed by the good old woman, who had long con- sidered him as lost. Soon after his arrival, the old lady became inquisitive, and desirous to learn what strange things her son John had seen upon the mighty deep. Amongst a variety of things that Jack recollected, he mentioned his having frequently seen flying fish. * Stop, Johnny,' said his mother, ' don't try to impose such monstrous impossibilities on me, child ; for, in good troth, I could as soon believe you had seen flying cows ; for cows, you know, John, can live out of the water. Therefore, tell me ho- nestly what you have seen in reality, but no more falsehoods, Johnny.' — Jack felt himself affronted ; and turning his quid about, when pressed for more 310 JOE MILLER. information, he said, prefacing it with an oath, ' May- hap, mother, you won't believe me, when I tell you, that casting anchor once in the Red Sea, it was with difficulty that we hove it up again ; which was oc- casioned, do you see, mother, by a large wheel hang- ing on one of the flukes of the anchor. It appeared a strange old Grecian to look at, so we hoisted it in ; and our captain, do ye mind me, being a scholar, overhauled him, and discovered it was one of Pha- raoh's chariot wheels, when he was capsized in the Red Sea.' This suited the meridian of the old lady's understanding. * Ay, ay, Johnny,' cried she, ' I can believe this, for we read of this in the Bible ; but never talk to me again of flying fish/ 972. — During the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, ' No Popery V Old Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, ■ No Religion !' 973. — The following strange but well -attested oc- currence, which actually took place lately in the neighbourhood of Taunton, will remind our readers of • Him who took the Doctor's bill, And swallowed it instead of the pill/ A man-servant in the employ of the Rev. Dr. Pal- mer, of Yarcombe, being taken ill, the medical at- tendant of the family was sent for, who prepared for the man a bolus from the family medicine-chest, and having wrapped up in paper the grain weights used in weighing out the proper proportions of the drugs, left them on the table, and near to them the bolus, which he desired one of the females of the house to carry to the man-servant, with instructions to take it immediately in treacle. Some hours afterwards his master came to inquire about the patient, and found him suffering under very uneasy symptoms, which the man attributed to the strange kind of me- JOE MILLER. 811 dicine the doctor had ordered for him, and which he said he ' should never have got through with, had he not cut it into smaller pieces,' but * he thanked God, though it was rather rough and sharpish, he had got it all down.' This account puzzled his master ex- ceedingly, who, however, soon discovered that the man had actually swallowed in treacle, a complete set of brass grain weights, instead of the bolus, which was found lying harmlessly on the table in his mas- ter's room. Proper remedies were immediately adopted for dislodging this uncommon dose from the man's stomach, who subsequently recovered from his illness. 974. — A lady, who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. ' How,' said she, * can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death]' — 'Why not! madam/ said the butcher ; ' you would not eat them alive, would you V 975. — In the great Dutch war, in the reign of Charles II. the English fleet and that of Holland fought in the Channel for three days successively, engaged in the day, and lying-too at night ; but, just as they were preparing to renew the action, ad- vice came off that an armistice was concluded upon, and the hostile parties began to exchange mutual ci- vilities. On board a Dutch man of war, which lay alongside an English first-rate, was a sailor so re- markably active, as to run to the mast-head, and stand upright upon the truck, after which he would cut several capers, and conclude with standing upon his head, to the great astonishment and terror of the spectators. On coming down from this exploit, all his countrymen expressed their joy by huzzaing, and thereby signifying their triumph over the English. One of our bold tars, piqued for the honour of his country, ran up to the top like a cat, and essayed, with all his might, to throw up his heels like the 31U JOE MILLER. Dutchman, but not having the skill, he missed his poise, and came down rather faster than he went up. The rigging, however, broke his fall, and he lighted on his feet unhurt. As soon as he had recovered his speech, lie ran to the side and exultingly cried out to the Dutchman, 4 There, you lubber, do that if you can.' 976. — The following curious circumstance oc- curred a few years ago, at a country village near Horncastle, in Lincolnshire A boy, belonging to a chimney-sweeper at Louth, taking his usual rounds in the country, called at a farm house in the above village, late in the evening ; but it not being conve- nient to employ him till the morning following, the farmer informed him he might, if he thought proper, sleep in his barn, which he very readily agreed to. He accordingly made himself a comfortable bed among the straw, and went to rest. Some time in the night, he was awakened by two men entering the barn with a lanthorn and candle, and each of them a sack ; he immediately supposing they were not about their lawful business, lay still to watch their motions, when they began to consult how they might place the light till they had filled their sacks from the corn heap. Seeing they were at a loss how to proceed, he crept softly from his couch, and with an audible voice said, ' Gentlemen, I'll hold the candle.' Turning round suddenly they beheld the knight of the brush, in his sable dress, and supposing him to be a messenger from the infernal region*, threw down their sacks and lanthorn, and immedi- ately decamped. 977. — Some time ago, the Honourable Mr. Charles Fox, having an old gaming debt to pay to Sir John L. or rather, as he is familiarly styled, Sir John Jehu ; finding himself in cash, after a lucky run «t the Pharo-Table, he sent a card of compliments to Sir John, desiring to see him, in order to discharge JOE MILLER. 313 his demand. When they met, Charles immediately produced the money ; which Sir John no sooner sa\* than he called for pen and ink, and very deliberately began to reckon up the interest. — ' What are you doing now ?' cried Charles. — ' Only calculating what the interest amounts to!' replied the other. — 'Are you so !' returned Charles, coolly ; and, at the same time pocketing again the cash, which he had already thrown on the table — 'Why, I thought, Sir John, that my debt to you was a debt of honour ; but, as you seem to view it in another light, and mean seriously to make a trading debt of it, I must inform you, that I make it an invariable rule, to pay my Jew-creditors last. You must, therefore, wait a little longer for your money, Sir: and, when I meet my money-lending Israelites, for the payment of principal and interest,!, shall most certainly think of Sir John Jehu, and expect to have the honour of seeing him in the company of my worthy friends from Duke's Place !' 978. — When Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the American revolution, in- troduced his celebrated resolution on the stamp act into the House of Burgesses of Virginia (May 1765), he exclaimed, when descanting on the tyranny of the obnoxious act, ' Caesar had his Brutus ; Charles the First his Cromwell ; and George the Third' — ' Treason V cried the speaker ; ' treason ! treason " echoed from every part of the house. It was one ot those trying moments which are decisive of character. Henry faltered not for an instant ; but rising to a loftier attitude, and fixing on the speaker an eye flashing with fire, continued, ■ may profit by their example. If this be treason, make the most of it.' 979. — One of the Dover stages, on its way to London, was stopped by a single highwayman, who was informed by the coachman there were no inside passengers, and only one in the basket, and he was a sailor. The robber then proceeded to exercise his P 314 Joli MILLER. employment on the tar ; when waking him out of hia sleep Jack demanded what lie wanted ; to which the son of plunder replied, 4 Your money.' — ' Yon shan't have it.' said .lack. ' No !' replied the roll' ' then I'll blow your brains out.' — ' Blow away then, you land-lubber,' cried Jack, squirting the tobacco- iuice out of his mouth, ■ 1 may as well go to London without brains as without money : drive on, coach- man.' \hA). — M. Otto the French ambassador to the British Court, displayed a most splendid illumina- tion at his house in Portland Place, on account of the signing of the definitive treaty of peace betwixt Great Britain and France. Whilst this illumination was in preparation, two British tars happened to pass his house ; when they observed in a transparency the words ■ Peace and Concord,' which they read, Peace Conquered* ' They conquer Peace, a set of frog- eating lubbers,' exclaimed one of the tars, and im- mediately knocked at M. Otto's door, insisting to see that gentleman. M. Otto made his appearance : the enraged tars demanded the reason of his presum- ing to insult the British nation. M, Otto in vain i pted to explain the meaning of the words. But nothing would satisfy the gallant fellows ; they per- emptorily insisted on his removing the obnoxious word 'concord,' which M. Otto, with much politeness, promised to do, and actually altered the sentiment to ' Peace and Amity.' 981. — Dr. Walcot, better known as Peter Pindar, called one day upon a bookseller in Paternoster-row, the publisher of his works, by way of inquiring into the literary and other news of the day. After some chat, the doctor was asked to take a glass of wine with the seller of his wit and poetry. Our author consented to accept of a little negus as aD innocent morning beverage ; when instantly was presented to him a cocoa-nut goblet, with the face of a man JOE MLLER. carved on it. * Fh ! eh!' says the doctor. ' what have we here V — ' A man's skull,' replied the book- seller ; ' a poet's for what I know.' — ■ Nothing more likely,' rejoined the facetious doctor, *f>r it is uni- versally known that all you booksellers drink your wine from our skulls.' 982. — When Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, the night being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortifi- cation of Quin, Mr. Garrick's chair came up first. 1 Let me get into the chair,' cried the surly veteran, 1 let me get into the chair, and put little Davy into the lantern.' — * By all means,' said Garrick ; ' I shall ever be happy to give Mr. Quin light in any thing.' 983. — When a late duchess of Bedford was last at Buxton, and then in her eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day, for the faculty to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into • a shock of the nervous system.' Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the rooms what brought them there, and being generally answered for a ner- vous complaint, was asked in her turn, ' What brought her to Buxton V — 'I came only for pleasure,' answered the healthy duchess ; ■ for, thank God, T was born before nerves came into fashion.' 984. — One of the most flattering and ingenious compliments Frederick ever paid, was that which he addressed to the celebrated General Laudohn, at the time of his interview with the emperor at the camp of Neiss. After they had discoursed for about an hour, the twomonarchs sat down to dinner, with the princes and general officers in their train. Marshal Laudohn, who had been invited among the rest, was about to seat himself at the bottom of the table, but the king made him come and sit by him, saying, ■ Come here, General Laudohn ; I have always wished to see you on my side, instead of facing me.' 316 JOE MILLER. 985c — George III. having purchased ahorse, the dealer put into his hands a large sheet of paper, com- pletely written over. ' What's this V said his ma- jesty, ■ The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought,' was the answer. * Take it back, take it back,' said the king laughing ; ' it will do very well for the next horse you sell.' 986. — A French officer quarrelling with a Swiss, reproached him with his country's vice, of fighting on either side for money, while we * Frenchmen,' said he, ■ fight for honour.' — f Yes, Sir/ replied the Swiss, * every one fights for that which he most wants.' 987. — When the late Mr. Windham, the war mi- nister, was upon a trip to the continent, he met with a Dutch clergyman, who was very eager in his in- quiries as to the doctrines and discipline of the church of England, to which he received satisfactory answers; those, however, were succeeded by others of a more difficult nature, particularly as to the manner in which some English preachers manufacture their ser- mons. Upon Mr. Windham's confessing his igno- rance of this subject, the Dutchman, in a tone of dis- appointment, exclaimed, ' Why then I find, Sir, after all the conversation we have had, that I have been deceived as to your profession. They told me you were an English minister.' 988. — Dr. Savage, who died in 1747, travelled in his younger days, with the Earl of Salisbury, to whom he was indebted for a considerable living in Hertfordshire. One day at the levee, the king (George I.) asked him how long he had resided at Rome with Lord Salisbury. Upon his answering him how long, — ' Why,' said the king, ■ you staid there long enough ; how is it you did not convert the pope ?' — ' Because, Sir,' replied the doctor, ' I had nothing better to offer him.' 989. — In the year 1818, as the Duke of Welling- ton was on a sporting visit at the seat of the Marquis JOE MILLER. 317 of Salisbury, Hatfield, he met with the following cu- rious adventure : — A farmer, who had been much annoyed by the hunters riding across his corn, di- rected his shepherd to stake up and make fast all his gates that adjoin the roads. It so happened that the duke rode up to one of these gates which the shep- herd was lolling over, and who was directed by the duke to open the gate for him. The shepherd re- fused compliance, and told him to go round, for he should not ride over his master's corn. The duke therefore rode off. When the man went home, his master inquired of him if he had stopped the hunters ] ' Aye, matter,' quoth the shepherd, ' that 1 have — and not only them, but that soldier man that Buonaparte could not stop!' The farmer took an early opportu- nity of apologizing to Lady Salisbury for the rude- ness of his servant, and stated that had he been aware that the noble duke was to have been out that day his gates should not have been fastened, and at the same time mentioned what his man had said, which on being related to the duke, caused, as may be ex- pected, a hearty laugh. 990. — When Rabelais was on his death-bed, a consultation of physicians was called. * Dear gen- tlemen,' said the wit to the doctors, raising his lan- guid head, ' let me die a natural death.' 991. — Dr. Busby, whose figure was beneath the com- mon size, was one day accosted in a public coffee-room, by an Irish baronet of colossal stature, with, * May I pass to my seat, O Giant V W T hen the doctor, po- litely making way, replied, ■ Pass, O Pigmy !' — ■ Oh ! Sir,' said the baronet, ■ my expression alluded to the size of your intellect.' — ' And my expression, Sir,' said the doctor, ' to the size of your's.' 992. — An apothecary, who used to value himself on his knowledge of drugs, asserted that all bitter things were hot. — ■ No,' said a gentleman present, ■ there is one of a very different quality ; a bitter cold day,* 3W JOB MILLER. \m.— At Brighton, in October, 1795, Sir John Lade, for a trifling wager, undertook to carry Lord ( hulmondeley on his back, from opposite to the Pa- vilion, twice round the Steyne. Several ladies at- tended as spectators of this extraordinary feat of the dwarf carrying the giant. When his lordship de- clared himself ready, Sir John desired him to strip. 1 Strip !' exclaimed the other, ■ why surely you pro- posed to carry me in my clothes.' — ■ By no means/ replied the Baronet; ' I engaged to carry you, but not an inch of clothes ! so therefore, my lord, make ready, and let us not disappoint the ladies.' After much laughable altercation, it was at length decided, that Sir John had won his wager, the peer having declined to exhibit in pui-is naturalibus. 99 U — After aloud preface of' O yes,' pronounced most audibly three times, in the High Street at New- market, the late Lord Barrymore, having collected a number of persons together, made the following ge- neral proposal to the gapers ; — ' Who wants to buy a horse that can walk five miles an hour, trot eighteen, and gallop twenty.' — ■ I do,' said a gentleman, with manifest eagerness. — 'Then,' replied Lord Barrymore, ' if I see any such animal to be sold, I will be sure to let you know.' 995. — The Duke of Longueville's reply, when it was observed to him that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that ho ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation : ' 1 bad much rather,' answered the duke, ' have friends than hares.' 996. — The great Prince de Conde passing through the city of Sens, which belonged to Burgundy, of which he was governor, took great pleasure in dis- concerting the different companies who came to com- pliment him. The Abbe Boileau, dean of the cathe- dral, brother of the poet, was commissioned to make a speech to the prince at the head of the chapter JOE MILLER. 319 Conde wishing to discompose the orator, advanced his head and long nose towards the dean, as if with the intention of hearing the better, but in reality to make him blunder, if he possibly could. The abbe, w ho perceived his design, pretending to be greatly embarrassed, began his speech thus : ■ My lord, your nighness ought not to be surprised to see me tremble *v hen I appear before you •, at the head of an army of 30,000 men, I should tremble much more.' The prince was so much charmed with this compliment, that he embraced the orator without suffering him to proceed. He asked his name, and when he found that he was the brother to M. Despreaux, he invited him to dinner. 997. — None fight with true spirit who are over- loaded with cash. A man who had been fortunate at cards was asked to act as a second in a duel, at a time when the seconds engaged as heartily as the principals. ' I am not,' said he, ' the man for your purpose just at present ; but go and apply to him from whom I won a thousand guineas last night, and I warrant you that he will fight like any devil.' 998. — An under officer of the customs at the port f Liverpool, running heedlessly along the ship's gunnel, happened to tip overboard, and was drowned : being soon after taken up, the coroner's jury was summoned to sit upon the body : one of the jurymen, returning home, was called to by an alderman of the town, and asked what verdict they brought in, and whether they found itj'elo de se ! ■ Aye, aye,' says the juryman, shaking his noddle, ' he fell into the sea sure enough.' 999. — Sir John Trevoh, who for some misde- meanor had been expelled the house of commons, one day meeting with archbishop Tillotson, cried out, ' I hate to see an atheist in the shape of a churchman.' — ' And I,' replied the good bishop, ' hate to see a knave in any shape.' 320 JOB MILLER. 1000. — When Sir Elijah Impey, the Indian judge, \n;is on his passage home, as he was one day walking the deck, it having blowed pretty hard the preceding day, a shark was playing by the side of the ship. Having never seen such an object before, he called to one of the sailors to tell him \\ hat it was. ' Why,' replied the tar, ■ I don't know what name they know Ihem by ashor«, but here we call them sea- lawyers.* 100 1. — A gentleman observed one day to Mr. Henry Krskine.who was a great punster, that punning is the lowest sort of wit. ■ It is so,' answered he, 'and therefore the foundation of all wit.' 1002. — AifiniADEs finding his irregularities be- came the general topic of conversation at Athens, and having a very fine dog, which he had given a large sum of money for, he cut off his tail, which was reckoned a great ornament. His friends told him the whole city blamed him for so foolish an action, and talked of nothing else. ' That is what I meant,' said he . ' I had rather they should talk of my dog's tail, than scrutinize my conduct.' 1003. — A finished coquette at a ball asked a gen- tleman near her, while she adjusted her tucker, whether he could Jiirt a fan, which she held in her hand. ' No, madam,' answered he, proceeding to use it, 'but I can fan a Jiirt.' 1004. — The late duke of Richmond had some capital hunters in Sussex. A monkey that was kept in the stable, was remarkably fond of riding the horses ; skipping from one to the other, and teazing the poor animals incessantly. The groom made a complaint to the duke, who immediately formed a plan to remedy tde evil. ■ If he is so fond of riding,' said his grace, ' we'll endeavour to give him enough of it.' A complete jockey dress was provided for the monkey ; and the next time the hounds went out, .kcko in his uniform was strapped to the back of one of the best hunters. The view halloo being given, JOE MILLER. 321 away they went, through thick and thin : the horse carrying so light a weight, presently left all the company behind. Some of the party passing by a farm-house, inquired of a countryman whether he had seen the fox. 4 Aye, zure,' said the man, ' he be gone over yon fallow.' — ' And was there any one up with him?' — ' Whoy, yes,' said John, 'there be a little man in a yellow jacket, riding as though the Devil be in 'um. I hope from my heart the young gentle- man mayn't meet with a fall, but he rides monstrous hard.' 1005. — A master of arts being reduced to extreme poverty, begged some relief of a locksmith, who was at work in his shop ; the smith asked him, why he had not learned some art to get his bread by, rather than thus to go about begging. * Alas !' replied the scholar, ' 1 am a master of seven.' — ' Of seven !' replied the locksmith, ' they must be sorry ones in- deed then, since they are not able to keep you ; for my part, I have only one, as you see, which main- tains seven of us ; myself, my wife, and five children.' 1006. — A chimney-sweep, having descended a wrong chimney, made his sudden appearance in a room where two men, one named Butler and the other Cook, were enjoying themselves over a pot of beer. * How now,' cried the former, ' what news from the other world !' The sweep perceiving his mistake, and recollecting the persons, very smartly replied, ' I came to inform you, that we are very much in want of a Butler and Cook.' 1007. — An Italian bishop had struggled through great difficulties without repining. An acquaintance of his asked him one day if he could communicate to him the secret he had made use of to be always easy. ' Yes,' replied the prelate, ' very easily. It consists of nothing more than making a right use of my eyes in whatever state I am. 1 first look up to heaven, and remember that mv principal business here is to " P 2 322 JOE MILLER. get thi»o, Sir, it will not, if you mean to do the thing handsomely,' was the reply. The dean made no remark upon this, but when he paid his man's weekly account, wrote under it, ' Deducted from this, for money paid to Sir Arthur's servant for doing your business, five shilling -.' 10i4. — Mr.Bknsi.ey, before he went on the stage, was an officer in the army. Meeting one day a Scotchman, who had been in the same regiment, the latter was very happy to see his old brother officer, but being ashamed to be seeu in the street with a player, he hurried him into an obscure coffee-house, where he began to remonstrate with him on his thus disgracing the honourable profession to which he had belonged. ■ But,' added he, ' what do you make by this new business of yours V Mr. Bensley said, 1 From seven hundred to a thousand a year.' — ' A lhousand a year'.' exclaimed the Northern, ■ hae ye tny vacancies in your corps V 1015. — A common-councilman was hoaxed into an opinion, that, as a representative of the citizens, 324 JOE MILLER. he was entitled to ride through the turnpikes free of expense. He next day mounted his nag, to ascertain his civic privileges ; and asked at the turnpike at the Dog-row, in Mile-end road, if, as a common- councilman, he had not a right to pass without pay- ing ? ■ Yes,' replied the turnpike-man, archly, ' you may pass yourself, but you must pay for your horse.' 1016. — Dr. Gregory, professor of physic atEdin- burgh, was one of the first to enrol himself in the Royal Edinburgh Volunteers, when that corps was raised. So anxious was he to make himself master of military tactics, that he not only paid the most punctual attendance on all the regimental field-days, but studied at home for several hours a day, under the serjeant major of the regiment. On one of these occasions, the officer, out of all temper at the awk- wardness of his learned pupil, exclaimed in a rage, 1 Sir, I would rather teach ten fools than one philo- sopher.' 1017. — There was a lady of the west country that gave a great entertainment at her house to most of the gallant gentlemen thereabouts, and among others Sir Walter Raleigh. This lady, though other- wise a stately dame, was a notable good housewife ; and in the morning betimes she called to one of her maids that looked to the swine, and asked, ' Are the pigs served V Sir Walter Raleigh's chamber was close to the lady's. A little before dinner the lady came down in great state into the great chamber, which was full of gentlemen, and as soon as Sir Walter cast his eyes upon her, ' Madam,' said he, 'are the pigs served?' The lady answered, 'You Enow best whether you have had your hreahj'a>t.' 1018. — Joseph II. Emperor of Germany, travel- ling in his usual way, without his retinue, attended by only a single aid-decamp, arrived very late at the house of an Englishman; who kept an inn in the Ne- therlands. It being fair time, and the house rather JOE MILLF.R. 325 crowded, the host, ignorant of his guest's quality, ap- pointed them to sleep in an out-house, which they readily complied with ; and after eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, retired to rest, and in the morn- ing paid their bill, which amounted to only three shillings and sixpence English, and rode off. A few hours afterwards, several of his suite coming to inquire after him, and the publican understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. ' Psha! psha ! man,' said one of the attendants, * Joseph is accustomed to such adventures, and will think no more of it.' — ' But I shall,' replied the landlord ; 1 for I can never forget the circumstance, nor for- give myself neither, for having had an emperor in my house, and letting him off for three and six-pence. 1 1019. — On the Scotch circuits, the judges give dinners, having an allowance for that purpose. The great Lord Kames was extremely parsimonious ; and at a circuit dinner at Perth did not allow claret, as had been the custom. The conversation turned on Sir Charles Hardy's fleet, which was then blockaded by the French ; and one of the company asked, what had become of our fleet. Mr. Henry Erskine an- swered, 'They are like us, confined to Port. 1 1020. — Some years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a gentleman came to me to invite me to his house : '1 have/ says he, 'a picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. There is little H. the other day came to see it, and says it is a copy. If any one says so again, I'll break his head. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favour to come, and give me your real opinion of it V 1021. — When Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, was pre- paring for an expedition he had long meditated against the Romans, Cyneas, one of his chief fa- vourites, asked him what he proposed to himself by this war 1 ■ To conquer the Romans, and reduce all Italy to obedience,' was the reply. ' What then V 326 JOE MILLER. asked Cyneas. • To pass over into Sicily,' answered Pyrrhus, ' and then all the Sicilians must be our subjects.' — * And what does your majesty intend next V- — ' Why, truly,' replied the king, ■ to conquer Carthage, and make myself master of all Africa.' — ' And what, Sir,' said the minister, * is to be the end of all your expeditions'!' — ■ VVhy then,' answered the monarch, ' for the rest of our lives we'll sit down to good wine.' — * How, Sir,' said Cyneas, ' can we sit down to better wine than we have now before us 1 Have we not already as much as we can drink?' 1022. — M. Lat.ande, the French astronomer, dur- ing the whole time of the Revolution, confined him- self to the study of that science. When he found that he had escaped the fury of Robespierre, he jo- cosely said, • I may thank my stars for it.' 10^3. — After Doctor Johnson had been honoured with an interview with the king, in the queen's li- brary at Buckingham-house, he was interrogated by a friend concerning his reception, and his opinion of the royal intellect. ■ His majesty,' replied the doc- tor, ■ seems to be possessed of much good nature and much curiosity, and is far from contemptible. His majesty, indeed, was multifarious in his questions, but he answered them all himself.' 1024. — The bard of Twickenham, though very short and deformed, was nevertheless very partial to his person One day he asked Dean Swift what people in Ireland thought of him. « They think,' says the dean, ' that you are a great poet and a very little man.' Pope exclaimed passionately, 'And, Mr. Dean, the people in England think quite the reverse of you.' 1025. — Weston, the aetor, having- borrowed, on note, the sum of five pounds, and failing in payment, the gentleman who had lent the money took occa- sion to talk of it in a public coffeechouse, which caused Weston to send him a challenge. When ir JOE MILLER. 327 the field, the gentleman being a little tender in point of courage, offered him the note to make it up ; to which our hero readily consented, and had the note delivered. 'But now,' said the gentleman, ' if we should return without fighting, our companions will laugh at us ; therefore let us give one another a slight scratch, and say we wounded each other.' — ' With all my heart/ says Weston ; ■ come, I'll wound you first:' so, drawing his sword, he thrust it through the fleshy part of his arm till he brought the tears into his eyes. This being done, and the wound tied up with a handkerchief — ' Come,' said the gentleman, 'where shall I wound you V Weston, putting him- self in a posture of defence, replied, ■ Where you can, Sir.'* 1026. — The celebrated Daniel Burgess, dining with a gentleman of his congregation, a large Che- shire cheese, uncut, was brought to table. ' Where shall 1 cut it V asked Daniel. ' Any where you please, Mr. Burgees,' answered the gentleman. Upon which Daniel handed it to the servant, desiring him to carry it to his house, and he would cut it at home. 1027. — * How does your new-purchased horse answer V said the late Duke of Cumberland to George Selwyn. ' I really don't know,' replied George, ' for I never asked him a question.' 1028. — A Quaker haying a horse to sell, took him to St. Luke's fair, at Newcastle. A customer soon appeared, who, being pleased with the appearance of the animal, a>ked ■ if he would draw well ?' to which question the owner replied with a shrug, ' Ah, friend, let him alone for that.' The buyer taking him in the wrong sense, purchased the horse without any more inquiries. But upon trial the horse would not stretch a trace ; on which the buyer went in a violent pas- sion to upbraid the seller, who very coolly answered: • Friend, did I not tell thee to let him alone for that ;' which was all the satisfaction he could get. 328 joe Mil LBB. 1029.— Dr. Fuller, the author of the Worthier of England, and other works, had a prodigious me- mory, insomuch that he could name in order the signs on both sides the way from the beginning of Paternoster-row at Ave Maria-lane to the bottom of Cheapside, where the Mansion-house now stands. This, considering that in his time every shop had & particular sign, was very surprising. He could also dictate to five several amanuenses at the same time, and each on a different subject. The doctor making a visit to the committee of sequestrators sitting at Waltham, in Essex, they soon fell intQ a discourse and commendation of his great memory ; to which he replied: ' 'Tis true, gentlemen, that fame has given me the report of a memorist, and, if you please, I will give you an experiment of it.' They all accepted the motion, and told him they should look upon it as an obligation, praying him to begin. * Gentlemen,' says he, ■ I will give you an instance of my memory in the particular business in which you are employed. Your worships have thought fit to sequester an honest but poor cavalier parson, my neighbour, from his living, and committed him to prison : he has a large family of children, and his circumstances are but indifferent ; if you will please to release him out of prison, and restore him to his living, I will never forget the kindness while I live.' This good natured jest wrought so effectually upon the committee, that, though they were not over gifted with wit or humanity, they im- mediately released and restored the poor clergyman. 1030.— The late Colonel O'Kelly, well known to all the lovers of the turf, having, at a Newma v ket meeting, proposed a considerable wager to a gentle- man who, it seems, had no knowledge of him ; the stranger suspecting the challenge came from one of the black- legged fraternity, begged to know what se- curity he would give for so large a sum if he should JOB MILLER. 329 lose, and where his estates lay. — ■ O ! by Jasus, my dear crater, I have the map of them about me, and here it is sure enough/ said O'Kelly, pulling out a pocket-book, and giving unequivocal proofs of his property, by producing bank-notes to a considerable amount. 1031. — During the rebellion in 1745, George II. entered the council-chamber while they were sitting, and requested to know what was the subject of their deliberations ; and on being told that they were con- sulting how to provide for the safety of his majesty's person and government — ■ Aye, is it so V replied the monarch, laying his hand upon the hilt of his sword ; 1 My lords and gentlemen take care of yourselves ; but for me, it is my determination to live and die King of England.' 1 033 . — After a successful attack on the royal party in 1745, a Highlander gained a watch as his share of the plunder. Unacquainted with its use, he lis- tened with equal surprise and pleasure to the tick- ing sound with which his new acquisition amused him ; after a few hours, however, the watch was down, the noise ceased, and the dispirited owner, look- ing on the toy no longer with satisfaction, determined to conceal the misfortune which had befallen it, and to dispose of it to the first person who should offer him a trifle in exchange. He soon met with a cus- tomer, but at parting he could not help exclaiming, 1 Why, she died last night.' 1035. — Whin Mr. Penn, the proprietor of Penn- sylvania, and the most considerable man among the Quakers, went to court to pay his respects to Charles II. that merry monarch, observing the Quaker not to lower his beaver, took off his own hat, and stood uncovered before Penn, who said, ■ Prithee, friend Charles, put on thy hat.' — ' No,' says the king, 1 friend Penn, it is usual for only one man to stand covered here.' 330 IOB MILLF.R. 103 k— Till late Bishop of Worcester, Dr. Hough, was remarkable for sweetness of temper, as well as every other christian virtue ; of which the following story affords a proof. A young gentleman, whose family had been well acquainted with the bishop, in making the tour of England before he went abroad, called to pay his respects to his lordship as he passed by his seat in the country. It happened to beat din- ner time, and the room full of company. The bishop, however, received him with much familiarity ; but the servant in reaching him a chair, threw down a curious weather glass that had cost twenty guineas, and broke it. The gentleman was under infinite con- cern, and began to make an apology for being him- self the occasion of the accident, when the bishop with great good nature interrupted him. ' Be under no concern, Sir,' said his lordship, smiling, ' for I am much beholden to you for it. We have had a 6. — In the reign of King William. Oliver Crom- well, grandson of the Protector Cromwell, found it ssary, on some occasion or other, to present a petition to parliament. He gave his petition to a friend, a member, who took it to the House of Com- mons to present it. Just as this gentleman was en- tering the house, with the petition in his hand, Sir JOE MILLER. 331 Edward Seymour, a famous old royalist member, was also going in. On the sight of Sir Edward the gentle- man immediately conceived the idea of making the surly sour old Tory carry up the petition for Oliver Cromwell. * Sir Edward,' said he, stopping him on the instant, ' will you do me a favour 1 I this moment re- collect that I must immediately attend atrial at West- minster Hall, which may detain me too late to give in this petition this morning, as I promised to do. Tis a mere matter of form ; will you be so good as carry it up for me ! ' — ' G ive it me/ said Sir Edward. The pe- tition went directly into his pocket, and he into the house. When a proper opportunity occurred for pre- senting it, Sir Edward rose, and putting his spectacles on, began to read, 4 the humble petition of-of-of-of the devil ! Oliver Cromwell ! ! !' The roar of laughter in the house, at seeing the old knight so fairly taken in, was too great for him to stand. Dashing the pe- tition from him in great rage, he rushed out of the house. 1037. — Philip, Earl Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House of Peers by a door-keeper who was unacquainted with his per- son. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the house without explaining who he was ; and the door- keeper, equally determined on his part, said to him, * Honest man, you have no business here. Honest man, you can have no business in this place.' — ■ I believe,' rejoined his lordship, ■ you are right, ho- nest men can have no business here.' 1038. — When the late King of Denmark was in England, he very frequently honoured Sir Thomas Robinson with his company, though the knight spoke French in a very imperfect manner, and the king had scarce any knowledge of English. One day, when Sir Thomas was in company with the late Lord Ches- terfield, and boasted much of his intimacy with the 332 JOB MILLER. king, and added, that he believed the monarch had a greater friendship for him than any man in England, — ' Good God,' exclaimed Lord Chesterfield, ■ how reports will lie ! I heard no later than this day, that you never met but a great deal of bad language passed between you.* 1039. — Beaulieu was one day visited by a noble and unprofessional person, who reproached him with not having returned his first visit. ' You and 1/ said the satirist, ■ are upon different terms. I lose my time when I pay a visit ; you only get rid of yours when you do so.' 1040. — An alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him to deliver at Guildhall, — ■ I must first dine with you,' replied he, 'and see how you open your mouth, that I may know what sort of words will fill it.' 1041. — A barrister entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he was not at all apprized, but was obliged to endure from almost every observer some remark on its appearance, till at last address- ing himself to Mr. Curran, he asked him, ■ Do you see any thing ridiculous in this wig?' The answer instantly was, ' Nothing but the head/ 1042. — Among the discoveries of the learned which have amused mankind, the following instance merits a conspicuous rank :— Some years ago there were se- veral large elm trees in the college garden, behind the ecclesiastical court, Doctors' Commons, in which a number of rooks had taken up their abode, forming in appearance, a sort of convocation of aerial eccle- siastics. A young gentleman who lodged in an attic, and was their close neighbour, frequently entertained himself with thinning this covey of black game by means of a cross-bow. On the opposite side lived a curious old civilian, who, observing from his study that the rooks often dropt senseless from their perch, no sign being made to his vision to account tor the ;oe MILLER. 333 phenomenon, set his wits to work to consider the cause. It was probably during a profitless time of peace, and the doctor, having plenty of leisure, weighed the matter over and over, till he was at length satisfied that he had made a great ornithological dis- covery. He actually wrote a treatise, stating cir- cumstantially what he himself had seen, and in con- clusion giving it as the settled conviction of his mind, that rooks were subject to epilepsy. 1043- — A lady, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato on the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of mu- sic ? — ' No, madam,' replied the doctor ; ' but of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.' 104 I. — Boswell dining one day with Dr. John- son, asked him if he did not think that a good cook was more essential to the community than a good poet. ' I don't suppose/ said the Dr. ' that there's a dog in the town but what thinks so.' 10 45. — A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician that he suffered the pains of the damned. The doctor coolly answered, ' What, already, 1 1046. — A surgeon aboard a ship of war used to prescribe salt-water for his patients iu all disorders. Having sailed one evening on a party of pleasure, he happened, by some mischance, to be drowned. The captain, who had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he had heard any thing of the doctor. — 'Yes,' answered Jack, after a turn of his quid, ' he was drowned last night in his medicine chest.' 1047. — At the time when Queen Elizabeth was making one of her progresses through the kingdom, a mayor of Coventry, attended by a large cavalcade, went out to meet her majesty, and usher her into the city with due formality. On their return they passed through a wide brook, when Mr. Mayor's horse seve- ral times attempted to drink, and each time his wor- JOE MI1.LFR. ship checked him ; which the queen observing, called out to him, ■ Mr. Mayor, let your horse drink, Mr. Mayor ;' but the magistrate, bowing very low, mo- destly answered, ' Nay, nay, may it please your ma- jesty's horse to drink first.' 1048. — As the late Chevalier Taylor was once enumerating, in company, the great honours which he had received from the different princes of Europe, and the orders with which he had been dignified by numerous sovereigns, a gentleman present took oc- casion to remark, that he had not named the king of Prussia ; adding — ' I suppose, Sir, that monarch never gave you any order V — 'You are quite mis- taken, Sir,' replied the Chevalier ; ■ for, I can most positively assure you, that he gave me a very peremp- tory order — to quit his dominions/ 1049. — One of the officers of a marching regi- ment, Captain B., who was quartered in the neigh- bourhood, was amusing himself by shooting upon the lands of Lord M. ; and as it was then a privilege extended without ceremony to all officers, he had not asked permission of the noble lord. His lord- ship, however, saw the intruder from his drawing- room window, summoned his gamekeeper, and di- rected him to go instantly and shoot the stranger's two dogs. The man knew the character of his mas- ter, and, from his tone and manner, saw that his command must be obeyed. He rode off to the spot, addressed the sportsman, apologized, but said he dared not go back to his lordship with his orders disobeyed. Captain B. expostulated, but at length, pointing to one of his dogs, requested as a favour, that the gamekeeper would kill that one first. The shot was fired, and the poor dog fell. Captain 13. who carried a double-barrelled gun, instantly ad- vanced, and coolly discharged his piece through the head of the gamekeeper's horse. ' Now,' said he, addressing the fellow, who was all astonishment and JOE MILLER. 335 terror, 'that is horse for dog — fire again, and it shall be man for dog.' The invitation was of course de- clined. ' And now, 1 he continued, ' go back to your rascally master, describe what you have seen, give him this card, and tell him, that wherever I can find him, in country or in town, I will horsewhip him from that spot to the threshold of his own door.' The noble lord was early the next morning on his way to London, and did not return to his country resi- dence until Captain B.'s regiment had been ordered to a distant part of the kingdom. 1050. — One of the check-takers (an Irishman) at the Zoological Society's Garden, mentioned to a friend, that the Queen had visited the garden incog. on a particular day. ' Why,' said the person he was informing, ' it is odd we never heard of it!' — ' Oh, not at all at all,' rejoined Pat : 4 for she didn't come like a queen •, but clane and dacent like another lady !' 1051. — A gvntleman, while sojourning at one of the towns in Virginia, encountered in the street a stout double-lunged negro, who was ringing a hand- bell most manfully. After labouring at it some time the fellow made a dead halt, and bellowed out some- thing to the following effect : — ' Sale dis nite — frying- pans — gridirons —book — oyster-knives, and odder kinds of medicines — Joe Williams will hab some fresh oysters at his 'stablishment — by tickler desire, Mr. Hewlett will gib imitations ober again — two or three dozen damaged discussion gun-locks — and Hev. Mr. P. will deliber a sarmont on temperance, half-past six o'clock percise ; — dat's not all ! — widout money or price— de great bull Philip will be statint at Squire S — 's — and dat's not all nudder ! — dare will be a perlite and coloured ball at Mrs. Johnson's jus arter dis is bin done.' 10o2. — At a late Court of Common Council, while the Town Clerk was reading the minutes of the last Court, the Lord Mayor leaned his head upon his hand. 336 JOE MILLBR. 'I call the Town-Clerk to order,' said Mr. Samuel Dixon. ■ To order,' said Mr. Savage, l what for ?' — 4 What for?' cried Mr. Dixon, 'why he reads so loud he'll wake the Lord Mayor.' His lordship's reverie was broken for the rest of the day. 1053. — A painter in the Waterloo Road, has the following announcement displayed on the front of his house: — 'The Acme of Stencil!' A 'learned Theban' in the same line, who has just commenced business in an adjoining street, in order to outdo the * old original' stenciller, thus sets forth his preten- sions, upon a board of the dimensions of twelve feet by three feet six : ' Stencilling, in all its branches, performed in the very height of acme!' 1054. — In the extract from the Report of the Le- gal Commissioners appointed to inquire into the state of the jails in the West Indies, and recently printed for the House of Commons, we find the fol- lowing questions put by the Commissioners to the Deputy Provost Marshal of Tobago, and his most extraordinary answers: 4 Is it (the jail) usually full V — ' Generally empty.' — ' Is it sufficiently large V • — ' Not one-tenth part of the size it ought to be.' 1055. — When Lord Townshend was Lord Lieu- tenant of Ireland, the then provost of Dublin, lost no opportunity of repeating his solicitations for f daces. 'My dear Hely,' said his lordship, 'you lave a great many things, and 1 have nothing to give but a majority of dragoons .' — ' I accept it then,' re- plied the provost. ' What you take a majority?' an- swered his lordship, 'sounds, it is impossible, 1 only meant it as a joke.' — ' And I accept it,' replied the provost, ' merely to shew you how well I can take a )jke.' 1056. — In the town of Montrose, some of the neighbou/ing wives having assembled to retail to one another the scandal of the morning, and having exhausted the subject, they next passed their opinions JOE MILLER. 337 on the beauty of names : each considered her own as the prettiest, until Mrs. Gold insisted that hers was the best, and in idea produced the pleasantest feeling. " Yes," replied Mrs. Crowe, " gold is very pretty, but it is not yours — you have only borrowed it." One country schoolmaster meeting another, who had generally a quid of tobacco in his mouth, tapping him on the cheek, inquired, Quid est hod — (what is this !J to which the other promptly replied, Hoc est quid, — (this is a quid.) 10.i7. — When Mr. Bligh was a captain in a regi- ment of infantry, and he and his lady were travel- ling in Yorkshire, they put up at an inn, where there happened only to be just as much in the larder as would serve them for dinner, which was immediately ordered. In the mean time, some sporting gentle- men of the country came in, and finding there was nothing in the house but what was getting ready for another company, asked who they were. The land- lord told them he did not exactly know, but he be- lieved the gentleman was an Irish ofiicer. ■ Oh, hang him, if he is Irish,' says one of the company, 1 a potatoe will serve him. Here, waiter, take up this watch (taking out an elegant gold watch), carry it up stairs, and ask the gentleman what's o'clock.' The waiter, at first, hesitated ; but the company in- sisted upon his delivering the message, and he w?.s obliged to comply. Mr. Bligh was surprised at such an impudent message, but recollecting himself a mo- ment, took the watch from the waiter, and sent his compliments to the company, that he would tell them before they parted. The message, however, pro- duced his dinner to be sent up in quiet ; which, after he had eat, he clapped a pair of horse-pistols under Q 338 JOE MILLER. his arm, and going down stairs, introduced himself to the company, by telling them, he was come to tell them what o'clock it was ; but first begged to be in- formed to which of the gentlemen the watch belong- ed : — here a dead silence ensued. Mr. Bligh then began on his right hand, by asking them severally the question, each of whom denied his knowledge of the circumstance. ' Oh, then,' says he, 'gentlemen, I find I have mistaken the room ; the waiter awhile ago brought me an impudent message from some peo- ple in this house, which I come, as you see (pointing to his pistols), properly to resent, but I find I have mistaken the company:' saying this, he wished them a good evening, paid his bill, stepped into his car- riage, and drove off with the watch in his pocket, which he kept to the day of his death. 1058. — Two dinner-hunters meeting in Pall-mall a short time back, one inquired of the other how he had been for some days. He replied—' In a very poor way indeed, I have not been able to eat any thing at all.' — ' God bless me,' said his hungry friend, 4 that is extremely strange, you generally have a very good appetite, you must have been seriously ill.' — * Oh! not at all, believe me, you misconceive my meaning, I could have eat, but the reason why I have not been able to do so, is, that no one has invited me to dinner.' 1059. — Mr. Curhan was once asked, what an Irish gentleman, just arrived in England, could mean by perpetually putting out his tongue. ' I suppose,' replied the wit, ' he's trying to catch the English ac- cent.' 1060. — General Mackenzie, when commander- in-chief of the Chatham division of marines, during the late war, was very rigid in the duty ; and, among other regulations, would suffer no officer to be saluted on guard if out of his uniform. It one day happened that the general observed a lieutenant of marines in JOF. MILLER. 339 a plain dress, and, though he knew the young officer intimately well, he called to the centinel to turn him out. The officer appealed to the general, saying who he was : ■ I know you not,' said the general ; * turn him out.' A short time after, the general had been at a small distance from Chatham, to pay a visit, and returning in the evening, in a blue coat, claimed en- trance at the yard gate. The centinel demanded the countersign, which the general not knowing, desired the officer of the guard to be sent for, who proved to be the lieutenant whom the general had treated so cavalierly. — * Who are you V inquired the officer. — 4 I am General Mackenzie,' was the reply. — ' What, without an uniform V rejoined the lieutenant ; ' Oh, get back, get back, impostor ; the general would break your bones if he knew you assumed his name.' The general on this made his retreat ; and the next day inviting the young officer to breakfast, told him, * He had done his duty with very commendable exact- ness.' 1061. — David Hartley, member for Hull, during the coalition administration, was remarkable for the length and dulness of his speeches. On one occa- sion, having reduced the house from three hundred to about eighty sleepy hearers, by one of his harangues, just at the time it was supposed he would conclude, he moved that the Riot Act should be read, in order to prove one of his previous assertions. Burke, who had been bursting with impatience for full an hour and a half, and who was anxious to speak to the ques- tion, finding himself about to be so cruelly disap- pointed, rose, exclaiming, ' The Riot Act, my dear friend ! the Riot Act ! to what purpose. Don't you see that the mob is already completely dispersed V Every person present was convulsed with laughter, except Hartley, who never changed countenance, and who still insisted that the Riot Act should be read by the clerk. 34C JOE Mil LKR. 1062. — A Frenchman meeting an English soldier with a Waterloo medal, began sneeringly to anim- advert on our government for bestowing such a trifle, which did not cost them three francs. — ' That is true, to be sure,' replied the hero, ' it did not cost the Eng- lish government three francs, but it cost the French a Napoleon.' 1063.— Collins the poet, though of a melancholy cast of mind, was by no means averse to ajeu de mot, or quibble. Upon coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom he was fond, had left it, he said, how unlucky he was that he had come a day after the fair. 1064. — A negro in Jamaica was tried for theft, and ordered to be flogged. He begged to be heard, which being granted, he asked, ■ If white man buy stolen goods, why lie be no flogged too?' — ' Well,' said the judge, ' so he would.' — ' Dere den,' replied Mungo, ' is my massa, he buy tolen goods, he knew me tolen, and yet he buy me.* 1065. — During the war carried on by the Great Frederick of Prussia, the English Envoy at Berlin having occasion to inform his majesty of a victory gained by the British, observed, ' It had pleased Di- vine Providence,' &c. — 'What!' said his majesty, 4 is God Almighty one of your allies V — ■ Yes, sire,' replied the Englishman, * and the only one whc does not demand any subsidies from us.' 1066. — Some years since, one of the sons of a ce« lebrated Jew was on the point of being married to a Christian ; on which the father, objecting to the smallnessof the lady's fortune, expostulated with his »on, and told him that he might have a female with more money : however, the young gentleman, vindi- cating his choice, replied, 'that whether he would content or not, he would marry her ; and if he re- fused to give him a portion, he would turn Christian, claim the benefit of an English law, and obtain half JOE MILLER. 341 he possessed.' At this answer, the father was greatly embarrassed ; and, consulting counsel, the counsel- lor replied, ' there was such a law, and that his son turning Christian, would obtain half his estate ; but if you'll make me a present of ten guineas,' added he, ■ 1 will put you in a way to disappoint him.' At this news the old gentleman's hopes revived, and pulling ten guineas out of his pocket, instantly clapped them into the lawyer's hand, expressing his impatience to know how he was to proceed. The counsellor re- plied, with a smile, * You have nothing to do, Mr. — , but to turn Christian yourself.' 1067. — Alembert, at his leaving college, found himself alone and unconnected with the world, and sought an asylum in the house of his nurse. Here he lived and studied for the space of forty years. His good nurse perceived his ardent activity, and heard him mentioned as the writer of many books ; but never took it into her head that he was a great man, and rather beheld him with a kind of compassion. ' You will never,' said she to him one day, ■ be any thing but a philosopher : and what is a philosopher ? — a fool, who toils and plagues himself during his life, that people may talk of him when he is no more,* 1068. — A lady of rank, dancing one evening, ap proached so near to a chandelier, that the fluttering plume of feathers, waving to and fro on her forehead, came in contact with the flame, and the whole was instantly in a blaze. The illumination, however, was quickly and happily extinguished without harm ; when her husband, seeing the danger avoided, and the thoughtlessness of the act that urged it, peevishly and half angrily exclaimed, 'Surely, your ladyship must be absolutely mad !* — ' No, no/ replied her ladyship, 4 only a little light-headed.* 1069. — At that time of the administration of the late Mr. Pitt, when petitions for peace were presented to the throne from all parts of England, Mr. W. Rath- 342 JOE MILLER. bone, a Quaker, was deputed to carry the address from the town of Liverpool ; when, contrary to cus- tom, he presented it on both knees, which so asto- nished our gracious monarch, that he exclaimed, ' What ! what do you go on two knees for ? One knee — never more than one knee ' To which Mr. R. gravely replied, 'Sire, I bend one knee to God Al- mighty, to pardon my bending the other to a man.' 1070. — On a trial between a buckle-maker and one of the same trade, on an encroachment made upon a patent which the former had obtained, an advocate from North Britain, praising the invention of his client, looking at his own buckles, exclaimed, ' So elegantly are these ornaments constructed, that, were my ancestors to rise from their graves, and happen to observe my legs, how would they be surprised !' — ' Very true, my learned brother,' cried the counsel for the defendant ; ■ they would be very much sur- prised indeed, to find you had got either shoes or stockings !' 1071. — A fellow of Oxford College seeing Tom Brown in a tattered gown, said, ' Tom, your gown 's grown too short for you.' — 'Ah !' replied Tom, ' that's true ; but it will be long enough before I get another.' 1072. — A Quaker from Bristol, who lately alight- ed at an inn, called for some porter, and observing, as it is now the fashion, the pint deficient in quantity, thus addressed the landlord : — ' Pray, friend, how many butts of beer dost thou draw in a month V — 'Ten, Sir,' replied Boniface. — 'And thou wouldst like to draw eleven if thou couldst,' rejoined Eben- ezer. — ' Certainly,' exclaimed the smiling landlord. — ' Then I will tell thee how, friend,' added the Quaker : 'Jilt thy measures.* 1073. — Charles XII. of Sweden went early one morning to consult his prime minister. He was in bed, and the king was obliged to wait till he rose. Charles passed the time in talking with a soldier whom JOE Mil IF. R. 343 he found in the anti-chamber At last, the minister appeared, and made many apologies. The soldier, extremely confused for having accosted his sovereign with so much freedom, threw himself at his feet, and said, ' Sire, forgive me, for I really took you for a man.' — ■ You have done no harm, friend,' said the king, ■ your mistake was natural ; for nothing is, I assure you, so much like a man as a king.' 1074. — Sterne, who used his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental man- ner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity. 4 The husband,' said Sterne, ' who behaves unkindly to his wife deserves to have his house burnt over his head.' — ' If you think so,' said Garrick, ■ I hope your house is insured.' 1075. — A short time previous to the surrender of Calais, in the year 1846, the English fell in with, and beat the French fleet, many of whose ships they sunk. None dared to carry the news to Philip, the French king ; till, after a long time, his jester ap- peared in his presence, flouncing, and exclaiming in the most contemptuous manner against the English for their miserable cowardice : — ■ Dastardly English- men !' said he ; ' faint-hearted Englishmen ! cowardly Englishmen !' The king, inquiring the cause of his anger and contempt, received the news of his mis- fortune in the following answer — ' Because they durst not leap out of their ships into the sea, as our brave Frenchmen did.' 1076. — Trieoulet, the fool of Francis the First, was threatened wrth death by a man in power, of whom he had been speaking disrespectfully ; and he applied to the king for protection. 'Be satisfied,' said the king ; ' if any man should put you to death, I will order him to be hanged a quarter of an hour after.' — 'Ah, Sir!' replied Triboulet, ' I should be much obliged, if your Majesty would order him to be hanged a quarter of an hour before.* 3 -4 JUL Ml I.I IK. 1U?7. — A bookseller, in a Urge way, having been threatened relative to a publication supposed to have been libellous, was asked, by a friend, how it had happened to escape his reading. ■ My reading I 1 exclaimed the other : ■ you might as well expect an apothecary to take his own drugs, as a bookseller to read every book he publishes.' 1078. — A saiior coming across Blackheath one evening, was stopped by a footpad, who demanded iiis money, when a scuffle ensued. The tar took the robber, and bore away with his prize to a justice of the peace at Woolwich. When the magistrate came to examine into the assault, he told the sailor that he must take his oath that the robber had put him in bodily fear, otherwise he could not commit him. The sailor, looking stedfastly at the justice, answered, ' He, — he put me in bodily fear ! No, nor any he that ever lived ; therefore, if that is the case, you may let him go — for I will not swear to any such a lie.* 1079. — The late Dr. Glover, well known for being one of the best companions in the world, was return- ing from a tavern one morning early, across Covent Garden, when a chairman cried out, ' A chair ! your honour, a chair !' Glover took no notice, but called his dog, who was a good way behind, * Scrub, Scrub, Scrub !' — ' Och, indeed V says the chairman, ' there goes a pair o'ye !' The facetious doctor gave his countryman half a crown for the merry witticism. 1080. — As a regiment of soldiers were marching through a country town, the captain (a strict disci- plinarian) observed that one of the drums did not beat, and ordered a lieutenant to inquire the reason. The fellow, on being interrogated, whispered the lieutenant, ' I have two ducks and a turkey in my drum, and the turkey is for his honour.' This being whispered to the captain, he exclaimed, ' Why didn'f the fellow say he was lame ? 1 do not want men to do their duty when they are not able.' JOE MILLER. 345 1081. — A painter was employed in painting a West India ship in the river, suspended on a stage under the ship's stern. The captain, who had just got into the boat alongside, for the purpose of going ashore, ordered the boy to let go the painter (the rope which makes fast the boat): the boy instantly went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter's stage was held. The captain, surprised at the boy's delay, cried out, ■ Heigh-ho, there, you lazy lubber, why don't you let go the painter?' The boy replied, ' He's gone, Sir, pots and all.' 1082. — A link boy asked Dr.Burgess, the preacher, if he would have a light. ■ No, child,' says the Doctor, ■ I am one of the lights of the world.' — ' I wish then,' replied the boy, 'you were hung up at the end of our alley, for it is a very dark one.' 1083. — Philip, king of France, once met a beg- gar, who solicited a rich gift of him ; urging it as a reason, that he was the king's brother. Philip smiled, and inquired of the beggar, how that could be, and desired to know who was his father. The beggar answered, he was born of Adam, who is the father of us all. The king immediately ordered his chamber- lain to give him a farthing. The beggar, however, complained that it was not a royal gift. The king then answered, if he were obliged to give as much to all his brothers, who claimed relationship with him, as being born of Adam, he would be obliged to sell his kingdom ; and advised the beggar to solicit as much from every one of his brothers, and his purse would soon be full. 1084. — An honest Jack tar would be coached up to town from Deptford, but thought it a very unbe- coming thing in him, who had just been paid off, and had plenty of money, not to have a whole coach to himself; of course, took all the seats, seating him- self at the same time upon the top. The coach was about to set off, when a gentleman appeared, who Q2 316 JOE MILLER. wis holding an altercation with the coachman, about the absurdity of his insisting that the seats were all taken, and not a person in the coach. Jack, over- hearing high words, thought, as he had paid full freight, he had a right to interfere, inquired what was the matter. When being told that the gentle- man was much disappointed at not getting a seat, he replied, * You lubber, stow him away in the hold ! but he shall not come upon deck.' 1085. — The late Right Honourable Charles Fox, in the course of a speech which he made in the House of Commons, when enlarging on the influence ex- ercised by government over the members, observed, that it was generally understood that the minister employed a person as manager of the House of Commons ; here there was a general cry of ' Name him ! Name him !' — ' No,' said Mr. Fox, ■ I don't choose to name him, though I might do it as easy as say Jack Robinson.' That was really his name. 1086. — A traveller relating some of his adven- tures, told the company, that he and his servant made fifty wild Arabians run ; which exciting surprise, he observed, there was no such great matter in it ; 4 for,' says he, ' we run, and they run after us.' 1087. — A certain young clergyman, modest, almost to bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of the whole company, ' How it happened that the patriarchs lived to such extreme old age V To which question he immediately replied, • Perhaps they took no physic' 1088.— Two English gentlemen, some time ago, visited the field of Bannockburn, so celebrated for the total defeat of the English army, by Robert the Bruce, with an army of Scottish heroes, not one fourth their number : — A sensible countryman pointed out the positions of both armies, the stone where the JOE Mlf.LRR. 347 Bruce's standard was fixed during the battle, &c. Highly satisfied with his attention, the gentlemen, on leaving him, pressed his acceptance of a crown- piece : — ' Na, na,' said the honest man, returning the money, ■ keep your crown-piece. — the English hae paid dear enough already for seeing the field of Ban- nockburn.' 1089. — Soon after Dr. Johnson's return from Sect- land to London, a Scottish lady, at whose house be was, as a compliment, ordered some hotch-potch for his dinner. After the doctor had tasted it, she as him if it was good ? To which he replied, ' Very _ for h>g&!' — ■ Then, pray,' said the lady, ' let me help yon to a little more ' 1090. — A noble lord a short time ago applied to a pawnbroker to lend him 10()0 guineas on his wife's jewels, for which he had paid 4000. ' Take the ar- ticles to pieces,' said his lordship, 'number the stones, and put false ones in their place, my lady will not distinguish them ' — ' You are too late, my lord,' said the pawnbroker, ■ your lady has stole a march upon you, these stones are false, I bought the diamonds of her ladyship a twelvemonth ago." 1091. — At the commencement of the French re- volution, when the popular excitement was at its height upon the subject of the Royal teto, Mirabeau heard an old woman in one of the fauxbourgs, bawl- ing out, with all imaginable zeal, * No veto ! no veto !' — ' My good woman,' said Mirabeau, 'lama stranger in Paris, but find every body talking about the veto, do tell me what it means.' — ' Means,' said she, ' why a tax upon sugar, to be sure — so, no veto ! no veto !' 1092. — An affectation of knowledge, is always worse than an acknowledgment of actual ignorance. A person lately called on a friend to complain of a letter which he had received, containing matter by no means complimentary, ■ Do you know who has 348 JOE MILLER. addressed this letter to you V said his friend. ■ No,' was the answer. ■ Then it was anonymous I sup- pose.* — ■ Yes,' replied the insulted party, with the most imperturbable gravity, • Very anonymous indeed, I assure you.' 1093. — A French officer was speaking at a table d'hote, of his first impressions on seeing English soldiers, and attempted to ridicule them, by saying, that they had faces as round as Cheshire cheeses. An English officer replied, ' Monsieur, you are very polite, and allow me to say, that if your soldiers nad shewed us a little more of their faces, and less of their backs, I should be very glad to return your compliment.' 1094-. — A caravan of wild beasts arriving lately in an American village, the elephant was accommodated in a large carriage- house — where, it appeared, a hale two-fisted negro from the country, who had never before seen or heard of an elephant, had laid down to sleep. On waking, blacky was not a little asto- nished at his strange bed-fellow. What could it be ! The devil ! The huge mass moved, when, lo ! a tail at both ends put all doubt to flight, and, with one despairing leap, he was out of the loft window, with- out once calculating the chance of breaking his neck. In the fulness of his astonishment and joy at his es- cape, he could tell no more of the occasion of his alarm, than of a devil with two tails, and describe in his best way an extending, contracting, flexible tail, that no distance could secure you from. When the mystery was explained, and poor blacky a little pacified, he swore — ' by ginny, he no so much skeer at his bigness— but that tarnal tail at both ends — he no like urn.' 109.i. — A female having been summoned before the court of judicature in Calcutta, deposed that a circumstance involved in the cause occurred in her presence. The judge asked where it happened ? She IOC MILLER. 349 \eplied, ' In the verandah of such a house.' — ■ Pray, ftiy good woman/ said the judge, ' how many pillars are in that verandah.' — The woman not perceiving the trap that was laid for her, said, without much Consideration, that the verandah was supported by four pillars. The counsel for the opposite party, immediately offered to prove that the verandah con- tained five pillars, and that, consequently, no credit could be given to her evidence. The woman per- ceiving her error, addressed the judge, and said, ' My lord, your lordship has for many years presided in this court, and every day that you come here you ascend a flight of stairs, may I beg to know how many steps these stairs consist of.' The judge con- fessed he did not know. * Then,' replied she, 4 if y our lordship cannot tell the number of steps you daily as- cend to the seat of justice, it cannot be astonishing that I should forget the number of pillars in a balcony which I never entered half-a-dozen times in my life.' 10^6. — A ■ toor player' in a mixed company, un- dertook to quote a passage from Shakspeare, that should be applicable to any remark that might be made by any person present. A forward young fellow undertook to supply a sentence that he believed could not be answered from the works of the bard ; and addressing the player, he said, ' You are the most insolent pretender in the room.' — 4 You forget yourself,' promptly replied the player, quoting from the quarrel- scene between Brutus and Cassius. 10 i .'7. — At apublic dinner, a gentleman observed a person who sat opposite use a tooth-pick which nad just done the same service to his neighbour. — Wishing to apprise him of his mistake, he said, ■ 1 6eg your pardon, Sir, but you are using Mr. *s tooth -pick.' — ■ I knoic I am. By the powers, Sir, do vou think I am not going to return it V 1098. — A Leicestershire farmer who had never seen a silver fork, had some soup handed to him at a 350 JOE MI I. IKK. dinneT lately. He found that no spoon was placed at his elbow. Lifting the fork, and twirling it in his fingers for some time, he called the waiter, and request- ed him to bring ' a silver spoon wi'out ouy slits in it.' 1099. — A lady, who had the pleasure of hearing Dr. Johnson read Goldsmith's Traveller from the beginning to the end on its first coming out. claimed, ' I shall never more think Dr. Goldsmith ugly.' — This lady, on another occasion, being in a large party, was called upon after supper for her toast, and seeming embarrassed, she was desired to give the ugliest man she knew ; and she immediately named Dr. Goldsmith, on which a lady on the other side of the table rose up, and reached across to shake hands with her, expressing some desire of being better acquainted — it being the first time they had met f on which Dr. Johnson said,* Thus the ancients, on the commencement of their friendships, used to sacrifice a beast betwixt them.' 1100. — Between a Protestant clergyman and a Roman Catholic lawyer, who had very little good feeling towards each other, the following occurrence took place not far from Bath : — » If,' asked the cler- gyman, ' a neighbour's dog destroy my ducks, can I recover damages by lawV — 'Certainly,' replied the lawyer, 'you can recover; pray, what are the circum- stances V — ' Why, Sir, your dog, last night, destroyed two of my ducks.' — ' Indeed, then you certainly could recover the damages ; what is the amount ? I'll instantly discharge it.' The demand of four shil- lings and sixpence was made and paid, when the law- immediately made a demand of his fee, six shil- lings and eight pence, which, unless instantly paid, he should adopt legal means to recover. 1 101. — Ali Hazin, an eastern writer, in his auto- biography, assimilates himself, while labouring un- der sea-sickness, to a mill-horse — 'my head goes round puzzled to know why it goes round.' JOE MILLER. 361 1102. — General Rapp was aide-de-camp to Buonaparte. He once ushered a dark looking Cor- sican io bis presence, ind took care to hold the door open while the interview lasted. When questioned by Buonaparte why he did this, * Because,' replied Rapp, * I don't put much trust in your Corsicans.' This blunt remark caused much amusement. 1 103. — Lop.d Mansfield, when a counsellor, used very frequently to pass the time from Sunday af- ternoon to Monday morning with Lord Foley, who was not remarkable for talent. Charles Townshend being asked what could induce Murray to pass his time in such company, answered, ' Murray is a pru- dent fellow. From the nature of his business he is obliged to say a great deal in the course of the week, and he goes down to Foley's to rest his understanding.' 1104. — A certain lodging-house was very much infested by vermin — a gentleman who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she said, ' La, Sir, we haven't a single bug in the house.' — ■ No, ma'am,' said he, ' they're all married, and have large families too.' 1 105. — Colonel S e of the royal marines, was always distinguished for the perspicuity and brevity of his speeches, of which the following is a speci- men, which was delivered in going into the battle of the Nile : — Sir James Saumarez, who commanded the man-of-war to which he belonged, had, in a lengthened speech, wound up the feelings to the highest pitch of ardour for the 6ght, by reminding them of the duty they owed to their king and coun- try ; and Though last, not least, he desired them to call to mind their families, their parents, and sweet- hearts, and to fight as if the battle solely depended on their individual exertions. He was answered by looks and gestures highly expressive of their deter- mination ; then turning to our hero, he said, ■ Now, S e , I leave you to speak to the marines.' — Co- 352 JOE Ml 1. 1. Eft. lotiel S e immediately directed their attention to the land beyond the French fleet. ■ Do you see that land there?' he asked. They all shouted, ' Ay, ay, Sir V — ' Now, my lads, that's the land of Egypt, and if you don't fight like devils, you '11 soon be in the house of bondage.' He was answered by a real Bri- tish cheer fore and aft. 1106. — A Cantab being out of ready cash, went in haste to a fellow-student to borrow, who happened to be in bed at the time. Shaking him, the Cantab demanded, — 'Are you asleep?' — 'Why?' says the student. ' Because,' replied the other, ■ I want to borrow half-a- crown. — i Then,' answered the stu- dent, ' Vm asleep,* 1107. — Tom Randolph, who was then a student in Cambridge, having staid in London so long that he might truly be said to have had a parley with his empty purse, was resolved to see Ben Jonson with his associates, who, as he heard, at a set time, kept a club together at the Devil Tavern, near Temple Bar. Accordingly he went thither at the specified time ; but, being unknown to them, and wanting money, which, to a spirit like Tom's, was the most daunting thing in the world, he peeped into the room where they were, and was espied by Ben Jonson, who, seeing him in a scholar's thread-bare habit, cried out, ' John Bo-peep, come in !' which accord- ingly he did. They immediately began to rhyme upon the meanness of his clothes, asking him if he could not make a verse, and, withal, to call for his quart of sack. There being but four of them, he immediately replied — I John Bo-pepp, To you four sheep, With each one his good fleece ; If that you are willing. To give me five shillinf ,— Tis fifteen pence a-piece. JOE Mil l.ER. 353 * By Jasus,' exclaimed Ken Jonson, (his usual oath), * I believe this is my son Randolph ;' which being made known to them, he was kindly enter- tained in then company, and Ben Jonson ever after called him his son. 1108. — The Rev. Geohge Harvest, fellow of INlagdalen College, Cambridge, with a good heart possessed many oddities. One night, seated amidst ail the pageantry of politeness with Lady O — and the family, in the front box of a London theatre, poor Harvest, on pulling out his handkerchief, brought with it an old greasy night-cap, which fell into the pit. ■ Who owns this?' cries a gentleman below, elevating the trophy at the same time on the point of his cane ; ■ Who owns this V The unaffected Harvest, little considering the delicate sensations of his friends, and overjoyed at the recovery of this va- luable chattel, eagerly darts out his hand, seizes the cap, and in the action cries out, ' It is mine !' The party were utterly disconcerted at the circumstance, and blushed for their companion, who rather expected their congratulations at the recovery of his property. 3109. — It is sufficiently notorious that Porson was not remarkably attentive to the decorating of his person ; indeed he was at times disagreeably negli- gent. On one occasion he went to visit a friend, where a gentleman, who did not know Porson, was anxiously expecting a barber. On Porsoa's entering the library where he was sitting, the gentleman started up, and hastily exclaimed, 'Are you the bar- ber V — ' No, Sir,' answered Porson ; 4 but I'm a cunning shaver, much at your service.' 1110. — Herring, afterwards archbishop, slipped down a bank, and fell into the mud in a ditch near St. John's College. A wag, passing by at the time, exclaimed, 'Theie, Herring, you are in a fine pickle now !' A Johnian, to which college the immemorial privilege of punning had been conceded in the Spec- 964 jv>l MfM.l-.R. tator's time, and who had consequently a disposition to be pleased with puns, went home laughing most immoderately all the way at the joke. Some of his fellow-collegians inquiring the cause of his merri- ment : ! I never heard/ said he, ' a better thing in my life. Herring, of Jesus, fell into the ditch in the piece, and an acquaintance said, as he lay sprawl- ing, " There, Herring! you are in a fine condition now ! M ' — * Well,' said his companions, ' where is the wit of it, pray V — ' Nay,' he said, ' I am sure it was a good thing when I heard it.' 1111. — VVhen the Prince of Orange, afterwards William the Third, came over to this country, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower de- clared for his highness ; but the other two would not come into the measures. Upon which Dryden said, * that the seven golden candlesticks were sent to be assayed in the Tower, and five of them proved prince 's metal.' 1112. — A gentleman of Trinity College, travel- ling through France with a friend, in what, on that side of the water, was called a chaise, was very much teased with the mode of travelling, particularly as they made so little progress, and he wanted to reach the next town at a set time. He tried gentle means of persuasion to induce the postillion to urge his steeds, but in vain. After floundering about in French, till he was out of all patience, for he was no great dab at it, and, withal, not being in posses- sion of any of those emphatic phrases which are equi- valent to such as Englishmen are accustomed to vent their anger in, he bethought himself that, if he was not understood, he might at least tnghten the fellow by using some high-sounding words ; and, collecting all the powers of eloquence of which he was master, with the voice of a stentor, he roared into the ear of the postillion : — ' Westmoreland, Cumberland, Nor- thumberland, Durham!' which the fellow mistaking JOE MILLER. 356 for some tremendous oath, accompanied witl a threat, had the desired effect, and induced him to increase his speed. 1113. — Dr. Boldero, formerly master of Jesus College, had been treated with great severity by the protectorate for his attachment to the royal cause, as was Herring, at that time Bishop of Ely, and in whose gift the mastership of Jesus College is vested. On a vacancy of the mastership occurring, Boldero, without any pretensions to the appointment, in plain English plucks up his spirits, or, in Homer's lan- guage, speaks to his magnanimous soul, and presents his petition to the bishop. ' Who are you V says his lordship, ■ I know nothing of you ! 1 never heard of you before !' — ■ My lord,' replied Boldero, ' I have Buffered long and severely for my attachment to my royal master, as well as your lordship, and I believe your lordship and I have been in all the gaols in England.' — 4 What does the fellow mean !' exclaim- ed the bishop ; • Man ! I never was confined in any prison but the Tower!'— ■ And, my lord,' said Bol- dero, ■ I have been in all the rest myself!' The bi- shop's heart was melted at this reply, and he granted Boldero's petition. 1 1 14. — Th e president of a certain college in Cam- bridge was one evening listening at the door of one of the under- graduates of his college, suspecting some- thing improper to be proceeding within. The stu- dent, by some means, having acquired a knowledge of the snare, taking the pot de chambre in his hand, he suddenly opened his door and discharged the con- tents over the president, accompanied with a kick exclaiming, at the same time, ■ Get down, you ras- cal ! I'll tell the president of your listening at my door !' 1115. — Lord M*xcombe, when his name was plain Bubb, was intended by the administration of that time to be sent ambassador to Spain. While 356 JOE MILLVK. this matter was in contemplation, Lord Chesterfield met him, and, touching him upon the proposed em- bassy, told Bubb, that he did not, by any means, think him fit to be the representative of the crown of England, at the Spanish court. Bubb begged to know the ground of his objection : ■ Why ' said his lordship, 4 your name is too short. Bubb, Bubb, — do you think the Spaniards, a people who pride them- selves on their family honours, and the length of their titles, will suppose a man can possess any dig- nity or importance, with a name of one syllable, which can be pronounced in a second? No. my dear friend, you must not think of Spain, unless you make some addition to your name !' — Bubb desired his lordship to say what he would have him do. Lord Chesterfield, pausing a moment, exclaimed, — ' I have it : what do you think of calling yourself Silly- Bubb V 1 116. — Tt is related that Dr. Mansel, then an un- dergraduate of Trinity College, Cambridge, by chance called at the rooms of a brother Cantab, who was absent ; but he had left on his table the opening of a poem, which was in the following lofty strain : — 'The sun's perpendicular rays Illumine the depths of the sea,' Here the flight of the poet by some accident stop- ped short ; but Dr. Mansel, who was seldom (if we may credit fame) lost on such occasions, illuminated the subject by completing the stanza in the following very facetious style : — 'The fishes, beginning to sweat, Cried, d— n it, how hot we shall be !' 111 7 . — At an examination for the degree of B. A. in the Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Panne, one of the moral questions was — ' Give a definition of happiness?' To which one JOE MILLER. 357 of the candidates returned the following laconic an- swer, — ' An exemption from Payne.' Some persons are so unfortunate as to buy their wit at a great price, as was proved in the above case ; for, on the gentle- man declining to apologize to Mr. Payne, he was suspended from his degree, for a very considerable time. Ill 8. — A student of St. John's College, who was remarkable for his larks and eccentricities, during the time he was dining in hall, called to a bon vivant, at another table, to say, ' that he had got a line fox in his rooms, for him !' This being overheard by the marker, who was a kind of mongrel fetch-and-carry to a certain dean, and who understood the student in a literal sense, he took an early opportunity to in- form the dean of the circumstance. The student was very soon summoned before the master and seniors, for what he knew not ; however, on entering, he was informed, ' they had learned he kept a fix in his rooms — a thing not to be tolerated by the college.' — ■ It is very true,' replied the accused ; ' I have a bust of Charles James Fox, at your service !' 1119. — Through an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may be seen at a con- siderable distance, the approach to which affords no very pleasing scenery. The late Professor Porson, on a time, walking that way with a friend, and ob- serving the church, remarked, * That it put him in mind of a. fellowship, which was a long dreary walk, with a church at the end of it.' liv'O. — Quin having had an invitation from a cer- tain nobleman, who was reputed to keep a very ele- gant table, to dine with him, and having no manner of aversion to a good repast, he accordingly waited on his lordship, but found the regale far from answer- ing his expectations. Upon taking leave, the ser- vants, who were very numerous, had ranged them- selves in the hall. Quin finding that if he gave to 358 joe mili.br. each of them it would amount to a pretty large sum, asked, which was the cook ? who readily answered, ' Me, Sir.' He then inquired for the butler, who was as quick in replying as the other ; when he said to the first, ' Here is half a crown for my eating ;' and to the other, ■ Here is five shillings for my wine ; but, upon my word, gentlemen, 1 never had so bad a dinner for the money in my life.' 1121. — A jockey lord met his old college tutor at a great horse fair, ' Ah ! doctor,' exclaimed his lordship, ' what brings you here among these high- bred cattle? Do you think you can distinguish a horse from an ass V — ' My lord,' replied the tutor, • I soon perceived you among these horses.' 1P22. — A lady invited Dean Swift to dinner, and as she had heard he was not easily pleased, she had taken care to provide in profusion every delicacy which could be procured. The Dean was scarcely seated before the lady began a ceremonious harangue, expressing much grief that she had not a more toler- able dinner, fearing exceedingly there was not any thing fit for him to eat. ' Plague take you,' said the Dean, ' why did you not provide a better? certainly you have had time enough ; but since you say it is so bad. I'll e'en go home and eat a herring ;' and he accordingly departed in violent haste. 1123. — When the valiant Gustavus Adolphus, King of Sweden, attacked Poland, he took the town of Higa, and, after other various successes, laid siege to Mew. litre, in the hurry and confusion of the conflict, Gustavus fell twice into the enemy's hands. How he escaped the first time cannot be well ascer- tained ; but he was extricated a second time by the admirable presence of mind of a Swedish horseman, who (to conceal his majesty's quality) cried aloud to the Poles, ■ Have a care of yourselves, for we will rescue my brother ;' since, by the way, it must be noted, that he had three or four companions at his JOE MILLER. u59 elbow : this task he performed in an instant. When, not long afterwards, Gustavus perceived his deliverer made a prisoner in his turn, he put himself at the head of a troop, and brought him off triumphantly 1 Now,' says he, ' brother soldier, we are upon equa terms ; for the obligation is become reciprocal.' 11^4. — The Emperor Rodolphus Austriacus being at Nuremburg upon public business, a merchant came before him with a complaint against an inn- keeper, who had cheated him of a bag of money which he had deposited in his hands, but which the other denied ever having received. The emperor asked what evidence he had of the fact ; and the merchant replied, that no person was at all privy to the affair but the two parties. The emperor next inquired what kind of bag it was ; and when the merchant had de- scribed it particularly, he was ordered to withdraw into the next room. The emperor was about to send for the inn-keeper, when, fortunately, the man came himself just in time, with the principal inhabitant of the place, to wait upon his majesty. The emperor knew him very well ; and as Rodolphus was very pleasant in his manner, he accosted him familiarly, saying, ■ You have a handsome cap, pray give it to me, and let us exchange.' The inn-keeper, being very proud of this distinction, readily presented his cap ; and his majesty soon after retiring, sent a trusty and well known inhabitant of the city to the wife of the host, saying, ' Your husband desires you would send him such a bag of money, for he has a special occasion for it ; and by this token he has sent his cap.' The woman delivered the bag without any suspicion, and the messenger returned with it to the emperor, wno asked the merchant if he knew it, and he owned it with joy. Next the host was called in, to whom the emperor said, ■ This man accuses you of having defrauded him of a bag of money committed to ycir trust — what say you to the charge V The inn-keeper 3b\) JOE MILLER. boldly said, ' it was a lie, or that the man must be mad, for he had never any concerns with him what- ever.' Upon this the emperor produced the bag ; at the sight of which the host was so confounded, that he stammered out a confession of his guilt. The merchant received his money, and the culprit was fined very heavily for his guilt, while all Germany resounded in praise of the sagacity of the emperor. 11*15. — Mai. lit was so fond of being thought a sceptic, that he indulged this weakness on all occa- sions. His wife, it is said, was a complete convert to his doctrines, and even the servants stared at their master's bold arguments, without being poisoned hy their influence. One fellow, however, who united a bad heart to an unsettled head, was determined to practise what Mallet was so solicitous to propagate, and robbed his master's house. Being pursued, and brought before a justice, Mallet attended, and taxed him severely with ingratitude and dishonesty. ' Sir,' said the fellow, ■ I have often heard you talk of the impossibility of a future state ; that, after death, there was neither reward for virtue, nor punishment for vice, and this tempted me to commit the robbery.' — ' Well ! but, you rascal,' replied Mallet, ' had ycu no fear of the gallows V — ' Master, 1 said the culprit, looking sternly at him, * What is it to you, if I had a mind to venture that? You had removed my greatest terror ; why should I fear the less V 11^6. — Gakuick one day dining with a large company, soon after dinner left the room, and it was supposed had left the house ; but one of the party, on going into the area to seek him, found Mr. Garrick fully occupied in amusing a Negro boy, who was a servant in the family, by mimicking the manner and noise of a turkey-cock, which diverted the boy to such a degree, that he was convulsed with laughter, and only able now and then to utter, ' Oh, Massa Gnrrick ! you will kill me, Massa Garrick.' JOE MILLER. 361 1127. — An author was reading some bad verses in his poem to a friend in a very cold apartment. The critic cried out, in a shaking fit, ■ My dear friend, either put fire into your verses, or your verses into the fire or I shall not be able to stand here any longer.' 1128. — The celebrated Rabelais, when he was at a great distance from Paris, and without money to bear his expenses thither, procured some brickdust, and having disposed of it into several papers, wrote upon one, ' poison for monsieur,' upon a second, ■ poison for the dauphin,' and on a third, ' poison for the king.' Having made this provision for the royal family of France, he laid his papers in such a manner that they might be seen by the landlord, who was an inquisitive man, and a loyal subject. The plot suc- ceeded as he could wish : the host secured his guest, and gave immediate information to the secretary of state of what he had discovered. The secretary presently sent down a special messenger, who brought up the pretended traitor to court, and provided him, at the king's expense, with proper accommodation on the road. As soon as he appeared, he was known ; and his powder, upon examination, being found per- fectly innocent, the jest was only laughed at ; but for which an inferior wit would probably have been sent to the gallies. 1129. — Peter Heine, a Dutchman, from a cabin- boy, rose to the rank of an admiral. He was killed in an action at the moment his fleet triumphed over that of Spain. The states-general sent a deputation to his mother, at Delft, to condole with her on the loss of her son. This simple old woman, who still remained in her original obscurity, answered the deputies in these words : * 1 always foretold that Peter would perish like a miserable wretch that he was ; he loved nothing but rambling about from one country to another, and now he has received the re- ward of his folly.' R 3fri JOE Mil I! It. 1 10. — Aoesilai s being asked why Sparta had no walls, shewed its armed citizens, saying, 4 These are the walls of Sparta.' 11)1. — M.u.iiiube, the famous reformer of French poetry, and of the French language, dined one day at the table of a bishop, who was to preach a sermon the same evening, but who was more hospitable than eloquent. The dinner was good . the wines delicious ; and the poet having freely partaken of both, be to nod, for want of enlivening conversation. When the hour came for the bishop's going to church, he shook Malherbe by the arm, and said, ' It is time to start, JMalherbe. You know I am to preach this evening.' — ' Ah, my lord,' said the poet, 4 be so good as to excuse me, for I can sleep very well where 1 am.' 1132. — When Sir Walter Raleigh returned from his discovery of Virginia, lie brought with him a quantity of tobacco, which he used to smoke pr* vately in his study. But the first time of his doing it there, his man-seivant bringing his usual tankard of ale and nutmeg, the poor fellow, seeing the smoke pouring forth in clouds from his mouth, threw al l the contents of the tankard in his face, and then ran down stairs, exclaiming, ■ That his master was on fire, and, before they could get to him, would be burnt to ashes.' 11 >o. — A Frenchman, who had immediate occa- sion to stop under a gateway, saw a sow and a litter of pigs pass him. lie stood some time admiring the diversity of colours, till he found an opportunity of pupping one under his coat and running otT with it. This he attempted, but was pursued by the hostler, who overtook and seized him with the pig in his pos- ion. lie was taken to Bow-street, and fully com- mitted. When the trial came on the circumstances of the theft being clearly proved, he was found guilty, and asked what he had to say why sentence should not bi passed? * Me lor, I vil trouble you attendee JOE MILLER. 363 two tree vord vat I sail say. I French gentleman, I no understand vat you call de tief dis country. Mais I vil tell you tout d'affair, and you vill find dat I am innocent. Me lor, I never tief a pig my life time.' — ' Why it was found upon you/ — ' Oh, certainly, but I was take him with his own consent.' — 'How do you mean?' — ; Vy, ven I was see de mamma pig, and his childrens, I was very much in love vid them ; and dis little pig, I look his face, I say, you pretty little fellow, will you come live vid me for one month ? He says a-week ! a-week ! So 1 have taken him for a week, dat's all.' 1134. — When Dr. Franklin applied to the king of Prussia to led his assistance to America, ' Pray, doc- tor,' said the veteran, ' what is the object you mean to attain?' — ' Liberty, Sire,' replied the philosopher of Philadelphia : ' liberty ! that freedom which is the birth-right of man.' The king, after a short pause, made this memorable and kingly answer : 4 1 was born a prince, 1 am become a king, and I will not use the power which I possess to the ruin of my own trade.' llj.i. — Two gentlemen at Bath having a differ- ence, one went to the other's door early in the morn- ing, and wrote ' Scoundrel' upon it. The other called upon his neighbour, and was answered by a servant, that his master was not at home, but if he had any thing to say he might leave it with him. ' No, no,' says he, ■ I was only going to return your master's visit, as he left his name at my door in the morning.' 1136. — Miners are known to be a superstitious race. In some extensive mines in Wales, the men frequently saw the Devil, and when once he had been seen, the men would work no more that day. This became serious, for the old gentleman repeated his visits so frequently, that it became an injury to the proprietor. He at last called his men together, and told them it was very certain that the devil never appeared 364 JOE MILLER. to any body who had not deserved to be so terrified, and that as he was determined to keep no rogum about him, he was resolved to discharge the first man that saw the devil again. The remedy was as efficient as if he had turned a stream of holy water into the mine. 1137. — At a late review of a volunteer corps, not twenty miles from Norwich, the major, who gave the word, not finding the men so expert as he wished, was perpetually calling, 'As you were — as you were,' and putting them twice through the ordered manoeuvre ; the inspecting officer at length, losing all patience, exclaimed, ' As you were ! No, I'll be d d if you are a ,, you were ; for you are not half so good as you were the last time I saw you.' 1138. — At a fashionable whist party, a lady hav- ing won a rubber of 20 guineas, the gentleman who was her opponent pulled out his pocket-book, and tendered £tl in bank-notes. The fair gamester ob- served, with a disdainful toss of her head, * In the great houses which I frequent, Sir, we always use gold.' — ' That may be, Madam,' replied the gentle- man, ' but in the little houses which I frequent, we always use paper.' 1139. — A speculative gentleman, wishing to teach his horse to do without food, starved him to death. ' I had a great loss,' said he ; ■ for, just as he learned to live without eating, he died.' 1140. — A citizen of London having made his for- tune, thought the best way to employ his money, was in building a row of houses in Whitechapel, to let out in tenements ; which, after he had built, he un- advisedly let one of them to a coppersmith for a term of lease, when unluckily the driving of the nails and the hammers became such a nuisance, that the other neighbouring tenants gave warning upon it to the landlord, who went immediately to the coppersmith and offered him any terms to give up the lease, which he could not prevail upon him to do ; when he luckily JOE MILLER. 365 happened to mention it before an officer of the guards, who said, if that he would give him five guineas, and suffer him to be in the next house to him, that he would effectually force him out ; which the other agreed to. Accordingly, he got two drummers, and ordered them to keep a continual drumming; which so alarmed and hindered the coppersmith, that he could not work at his trade, as these people, when they work, must hear their own blows, or else they are liable to strike the nail too much on the head, and when it is almost even with the surface for it to come loose again ; so this expedient not only served the landlord, but also gave the officei the means of enlisting his men, as they could not work, and were idle. 1141. — A young man told his friend that he dreamed that he had struck his foot against a sharp nail. ■ Why then do you sleep without your shoes V was the reply. 1142. — A countryman, very much marked with the small- pox, applied to a justice of the peace for redress in an affair where one of his neighbours had ill treated him ; but not explaining the business so clearly as the justice expected, ' Fellow,' said the justice, in a rage, * I don't know whether you were inoculated for the small-pox or not ; but I am sure you have been for stupidity.' — ' Why, and please your honour,' replied the man, ' perhaps I might, as you say, be inoculated for stupidity, but there was no occasion to perform that upon your worship, for you seem to have had it in the natural way.' 1 143. — A robustious countryman, meeting a phy- sician, ran to hide behind a wall ; being asked the cause, he replied, * It is so long since 1 have been sick, that I am ashamed to look a physician in the face.' 1 144. — A citizen, seeing some sparrows in a tree, went beneath and shook it, holding out his hat to catch them as they fell. 806 J OF. MII.LKR. 1 145. — Selden tells this story: — A person of qua- lity came to my chamber, in the Temple, and told me that he had two devill in his head (I wondered what he meant), and just at that time one of them bid him kill me : with that, I began to be afraid, and thought he was mad. He said he knew 1 could cure him, and therefore entreated me to give him some- thing, for he was resolved he would go to nobody else. I perceived what an opinion he had of me, and that it was only melancholy that troubled him, took it in hand, and warranted him, if he would follow my directions, to cure him in a short time. I desired him to let me alone for about half an hour, and then come again, which he was very willing to do. In the mean time I got a card, and lapped it up hand- some in a piece of taffeta, put strings to the taffeta, and when he came I gave it him to hang about his neck, charging him that he should not disorder him- self either with eating or drinking, but eat very little supper, and say his prayers duly when he went to bed, and I made no question but he would be well in three or four days. Within that time, I went to dinner at his house, and asked him how he did. He said he was much better, but not perfectly well ; for, in truth, he had not dealt clearly with me. He had four devils in his head, and he perceived two of them were gone, with that which I had given him, but the other two troubled him still. • Well,' said I, ' 1 am glad two of them are gone, and I make no doubt but to get away the others.' So I gave him another thing to hang likewise about his neck. Three days after he came to me at my chamber and professed he was as well as ever he was in his life, and thanked me for the great care I had of him. I, fearing lest he might relapse into the like distemper, told him that there was none but myself, and one physician more in the whole town, that could cure the devils in the head and that was Dr. Harvey, whom I had prepared, and Jl'E MILLER. 367 wished him, if ever he found himself ill in my ab- sence, to go to him, for he could cure his disease as well as myself. — The gentleman lived many years, and was never troubled after. 1146. — The son of a fond father, when going to war, promised to bring home the head of one of the enemy. His parent replied, 'I should be glad to see you come home without a head, provided you come safe.' 114-7. — The following advertisement was posted up at North Shields: — 'Whereas several idle and disorderly persons have lately made a practice of riding on an ass, belonging to Mr. , the head of the Ropery Stairs : now, lest any accident should happen, he takes this method of informing the public, that he is determined to shoot his said ass, and cau- tions any person who may be riding on it at the time, to take care of himself, lest by some unfortunate mis- take he should shoot the wrong one.' 1148. — A man meeting his friend, said, 'I spoke to you last night in a dream/ — ■ Pardon me,' replied the other, ■ I did not hear you.' 1 149. — A fellow had to cross a river, and entered the boat on horseback ; being asked the cause, he replied, * I must ride, because I am in a hurry.' 11. SO. — An eccentric barber, some years ago, opened a shop under the walls of the King's Bench prison. The windows being broken when he entered it, he mended them with paper, on which appeared — 'Shave for a penny,' with the usual invitation to customers ; and over the door was scrawled these lines : * Here lives Jemmy Wright, Shaves as well as any man in England, Almost — not quite.' foote (who loved any thing eccentric) saw these nscriptions, and hoping to extract some wit from the author, whom he justly concluded to be an odd cha- 368 racter, he pulled off his hat, and thrusting his head through a paper pane into the shop, called out, 4 Is Jemmy Wright at home?' The barber immediately forced his own head through another pane into the street, and replied, ' No, Sir, he has just popt out.' Foote laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea. 1161. — ' Pray, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout V asked an indolent and luxurious citizen. — ■ Live upon sixpence a day, and earn it !' was the pithy answer. 1154. — The ' Editio Princeps' of Virgil, now in the possession of a noble earl, was some years ago discovered in a monastery in Suabia. The good old monks, to whom this and several other valuable books belonged, could not be prevailed on to part with this copy for money. It happened, however, that they were remarkably fond of old hock. This was found out by an English connoisseur, who, for seven gui- neas worth of hock, obtained this rare copy of Virgil, which he afterwards sold to a book collector for 601. To the present possessor it cost no less than 400/. 1153. — When Wilkes had written his poem, the 'Essay on Woman,' he sent it in manuscript to the Archbishop of Canterbury, with a letter, expressing his anxiety not to publish any thing offensive to pub- lic morals, and requesting that if his grace, in per- using it, met with any passages that might be deemed objectionable, he would erase them, or make such alterations as to his grace might seem necessary. The good archbishop, quite unconscious of the snare that was laid for him, was actually preparing to give Wilkes the benefit of his advice, when a friend, who was made acquainted with the circumstance, dis- suaded his grace from the task, assuring him, that if he did it, Wilkes would still publish the ■ Essay on Woman,' and announce that it was ' corrected and revised by his Grace the Lord Archbishop of Can- terbury ' JOE MILLER. 3S9 1154. — When Leti, the historian, was one day attending the levee of Charles the Second, he said to him, 'Leti, I hear that you are writing the History of the Court of England.' — ' Sir, I have been for some time preparing materials for such a history. ' — ■ Take care that your work give no offence,' said the prince. — Leti replied, ' Sir, I will do what I can, but if a man were as wise as Solomon, he would scarcely be able to avoid giving offence.' — * Why, then,' rejoined the king, ■ be as wise as Solomon ; write proverbs, not histories.' 1155. — One day, when King James the First had been perusing a work, entitled, ' A Description of the Policy of the Church of England,' written by the historian Calderwood, he was peevish and discon- certed. A prelate standing by, inquired of his ma- jesty the cause of his uneasiness ? He replied, that he had been reading such a work. To this the pre- late replied, ' Don't trouble your majesty about that, we will answer it.' In a passion the king replied, 1 What would you answer, man? There is nothing here but scripture, reason, and the fathers.' 1156. — When Skelton published his i Deism Re- vealed,' the Bishop of London asked the Bishop of Clogher if he knew the author? ' Oh yes, he has been a curate in my diocese near these twenty years.' — ■ More shame for your lordship to let a man of his merit continue so long a curate in your diocese,' was the reply. 1157. — It was an observation of Sir John, father of the celebrated Sir Thomas More, ■ that the choice of a wife was like putting one's hand into a bag full of snakes, with only one eel in it ; we may by a pos- sibility light on the eel, but it is a hundred to one &e are stung by a snake.' From the circumstance f his having put his own hand into the bag three nmes, it is to be inferred that he was more fortunatt than wife-hunters in general. R2 370 JOB MILLER. 1 1.^0. — Two Highlanders set out an expedition to steal the litter of a wild sow, which lay in a narrow- mouthed cave. Seizing the opportunity of the tender parent's absence, one of the men crept in, and the other kept watch at the mouth. Presently down came the sow distracted, as if informed of what was passing, by the instinct of maternal concern, and rushed with menacing tusks to her door ; the guard, as she slipped into the passage, had but just time to lay hold of her tail, give it a firm twist round his strong hand, and throwing himself down and setting his feet against the sides of the pass, he held hor fast, lie had enough to do, and no breath to waste. The young pigs were squeaking under the hands of his compauion, and the old one, to the fondest of pig's hearts, added the strongest of pig's sinews, and the most wilful of pig's purposes. The Highlander in the cave was too much engaged with the scream- ing little pigs to hear the tussle, but finding himself in darkness, he called out to his mate, ' Fat 's the matter? I canna see.' The fellow, who by this time had found a pig's tail a most uneasy tenure, and who had no wind for explanations, answered thus, ex- pressly and briefly denoting the precise posture of the case, — ' An the tail break, you'll see.' He pre- sently, however, got his skene dhu in his left hand, with which by repeated stabs he laid the body of the unfortunate sow dead at his feet, saved his companion from imminent peril, and secured the plunder, with- out once slackening his hold of the tail. 1159. — A gentleman had a cask of Aminean wine, from which his servant stole a large quantity. When the master perceived the deficiency, he dili- gently inspected the top of the cask but could find no traces of an opening. ' Look if there be not a hole in the bottom,' said a bystander. — ' Blockhead,' he replied, ' do you not see that the deficiency is at the top, and not at the bottom.' JOE MILLER. 3'\ 1160. — Voltaire, in the presence of an English- man, was one day enlarging with great warmth in the praise of the celebrated Haller, extolling him as a great poet, a great naturalist, and a man of uni- versal attainments. The Englishman, who had been on a visit to Haller, answered, that it was handsome in Monsieur de Voltaire to speak so favourably of Monsieur Haller, inasmuch as Monsieur Haller was by no means so liberal to Monsieur de Voltaire. 1 Alas !' said Voltaire, with an air of philosophic in- dulgence, ' I dare to say we are both very much mis- taken!' 1161. — One day when Sir Isaac Heard was with his majesty, King George III. it was announced that his majesty's horse was ready to start for hunting. — 'Sir Isaac,' said the monarch, ■ are you a judge of horses ! J — ' In my younger days, please your ma- jesty/ was the reply, ' I was a great deal among them.' — ' What do you think of this, then V said the king, who was by this time preparing to mount his favourite ; and without waiting for an answer, added, * We call him Perfection.' — ' A most appropriate name,' replied the courtly herald, bowing as his ma- jesty reached the saddle, — 'for he bears the best of characters /' 1 162. — A certain colonel, who had a strange hu- mour, when he had drank a glass or two tot) much, of firing off and playing tricks with his weapons, one night having drank too freely, ordered his footman, who was an Irishman newly hired, to bring his pis- tols. Teague obeyed , the colonel loaded them both, and, having locked the door, commanded his man to hold one of the candles at arm's length, till he snuffed it with the ball. Prayers and entreaties were in vain, and comply he must, and did, though trembling ; the colonel performed the operation at the first at- tempt, then laying down his pistols, was going to unlock the door. Teague catches up that which was 372 JOE MILLER. loaded, ' Arrah, maister,' says he, 'but I will be after having my shoot too.' The colonel called him rogue ^nd rascal to no purpose. Teague was now vested with power, and would be obeyed. Accord- ingly his master extended the candle, but this being the first time of Teague's performing, he not only missed, but shot off a button from the breast of the colonel's coat. So narrow an escape had a good ef- fect, and cured him of his humour of turning marks- man in his drink. 1163. — An officer who was quartered in a country town, being once asked to a ball, was observed to sit sullen in a corner for some hours. One of the ladies present, being desirous of rousing him from his reverie, accosted him with, ' Pray, Sir, are you not fond of dancing?'— ' I am very fond of dancing, madam,' was the reply. — ' Then why not ask some of the ladies that are disengaged to be your partner, and strike up?' — • Why, madam, to be frank with you, I do not see one handsome woman in the room.' — • Sir, yours, et cetera,' said the lad), and with a slight courtesy left him, and joined her companions, who asked her what had been her conversation with the captain. ' It was too good to be repeated in prose,' said she ; ■ lend me a pencil, and I will try to give you the outline in rhyme.' ' So, Sir, you rashly vow and swear, You'll dance with none that are not fair, Suppose we women should dispense Our hands to none but men of sense f 4 Suppose! well, madam, pray what then?' ' Why, Sir, you'd never dance again.' 1164. — George II. seemed to have none of that love of individual and distinct property which has marked the character of many sovereigns. His ma- jesty came one day to Richmond gardens, and, find- ing them locked while some decently dressed persons were standing on the outside, called for the head gar- JOE Nil LER. 373 dener, and told him, in a great passion, to open the door immediately. — ■ My subjects,' said his majesty, 1 walk where they please.' — On another occasion, the same gardener was complaining that some of the com- pany, in their walks round the garden, had pulled up flowers, roots, and shrubs ; the king, shaking his cane, replied, ' Plant more then, you blockhead.' 1 165. — The Duke of Mantua once observed to the celebrated Perron, that the court-jester was a fellow without either wit or humour. 'Your grace must pardon me,' said Perron ; ' I think he has a great deal of wit to live by a trade that he does not under- stand.' 1 166. — The facetious Mr. Bearcroft, told his friend Mr. Vansittart, ' Your name is such a long one, I shall drop the sittart, and call you Van, for the fu- ture.' — * With all ray heart/ said he : ' by the same rule, I shall drop croft, and call you Bear !* 1167. — In a life of St. Francis Xavier, written by an Italian monk, it is said, * that by one sermon he converted 10,000 perstms in a dts rt island!' 1168. — Among a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighbourhood of St. Giles's, it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him that off-hand should write six lines in poetry of his own composing. Several of the merry crew attempt- ed unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At length the wittiest among them thus ended the contest : Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm, Excuse me if I just step home •, Two lines already ! — be not cru'l, Consider honies, I'm a fool. There's four lines ! — now I'll gain the fowls. With which I soon s^all 611 my bowls. 1169. — Dr. Johnson as so accustomed to say always the exact truth, th,- he never condescended to ive an equivocal answer > any question ; of which e following is an instance is related by Mr. North? 374 JOE M1LLE1. cote. — A lady of his acquaintance once asked him how it happened that he was never invited to dine at the tables of the great? He replied, ' Because, madam, great lords and ladies do not like to have their mouths stopped !' 1 1 70. — Th e Royal Society, on the day of its crea- tion, was the whetstone of the wit of their patron, Charles II. With a peculiar gravity of countenance, he proposed to the assembly the following question for their solution : — ' Suppose two pails of water \ fixed in two different scales equally poised, and which weighed equally alike, and that two live bream or small fish, were put into either of these pails, he wanted to know the reason why that pail, with such addition, should not weigh more than the other pail which stood against it ' — Every one was ready to set at quiet the royal curiosity ; but it appeared that every one was giving a different opinion. One. at length, offered so ridiculous a solution, that another of the members could not refrain from a loud laugh ; when the King, turning to him, insisted that he should give his sentiments as well as the rest. This he did without hesitation, and told his majesty, in plain terms, that he denied the fact. On which the King, in high mirth, exclaimed, ' Odds fish, brother, you are in the right !' 1171. — In a certain company, the conversation having fallen on the subject of craniology, and the organ of drunkenness being alluded to among others, a lady suggested that this must be the barrel-organ. 1 17?. — William Vat i the old, the fa- mous painter of sea pieces, was so fond of his art, that in order justly to observe the movements and various positions of ships engaging in a sea-fight, that he might design them from nature, and unite truth with grandeur and elegance in his compositions, he did not hoitate to attend those engagements in a small light vessel, and sail as near to his enemies as JOB MILLER. 375 his friends, attentive only to his drawing, and with- out the least apparent anxiety for the danger to which he was every moment exposed. Of that bold and dauntless disposition he gave two very convincing proofs before his arrival in England ; the one was in that severe battle between the Duke of York and Admiral Opdam, in which the Dutch Admiral and 500 men were blown up — the other was in that me- morable engagement, which continued three days, between Admiral Monck and Admiral de Ruyter. During the continuance of these different engage- ments, Vandervelde plied between the fleets, so as to represent minutely every movement of the ships, and the most material circumstances of the action, with incredible exactness and truth. 1173. — During the time that martial law was in force in Ireland, and the people were prohibited from having fire-arms in their possession, some mischievous varlets gave information that a Mr. Scanlon, of Dub- lin, had three mortars in his house. A magistrate, with a party of dragoons in his train, surrounded the house, and demanded, in the king's name, that the mortars should be delivered to him. Mr. Scanlon, a respectable apothecary, immediately produced them, adding, that as they were useless without the yestles, these also were at his majesty's service. 1174. — The following story was related by the Nabob of Arcot to an English lady : — A certain man fell asleep under a tree, whilst his friend was sitting beside him. A snake came down from the branches, and the friend endeavoured to kill it : but the snake said, * I will not depart till I have tasted of that man's blood, for this purpose was I sent hither.' — ■ Since it is so,' replied the friend ; ' I cannot possibly avert the decrees of God ;' then taking a knife, he opened a vein in the man's neck, who awoke, saw the knife, and the blood gushing forth, but closed his eyes again and remained silent. The snake drank the blood JOE MI -LFR. and went away. The friend immediately applied to a surgeon, and adopted means to stop the bleeding. Some months after, a person asked this man why he had been so calm, and shut his eyes when he saw the bloody knife. ■ To this hour,' he replied, ' I do Dot know the reason of that man's action ; but I sup- pose it was for my good ; therefore I would not mis- trust him, nor make any inquiry into the circumstance. I believe him my friend — Friendship can never doubt .—and to that man in whom my heart confides, I will intrust my body.' — * This, and no less than this/ said the young Nabob, ' we call Friendship.' 1175. — Not many years ago, a man was hanged at a country town in Ireland for highway robbery ; but his friends having taken the body to a house, fancied that they discovered some signs of life, and imme- diately applied to a surgeon, who, with considerable difficulty , succeeded in restoring the man to his senses. Finding himself much annoyed by the multitude of visitors, and the questions w Inch they asked respect- ing his short excursion to the other world, the man declared that he would not gratify their curiosity until each person should have paid the sum of two- pence. With this demand they readily complied, and he very seriously informed them, that at the moment when he was recalled to this world by the surgeon's assistance, he had just arrived at the gates of heaven, where he saw St. Peter sitting with the hays in his hand. This anecdote was related by the surgeon as a matter of fact, to a gentleman now re- siding in London. 1176. — Fringes I«, that gallant prince who revived literature, had the merit of restoring the beard also, which had been proscribed by several of his prede- cessors, but it was so arranged and shaped as to form a new adornment to the face. This restoration gave to the beaidite and antibeardite factions. The clergy assumed the beard, but it was only the court JOE MILLER. 377 clergy. There was a signal victory gained by the antibeardites, which deserves particular notice. Wil- liam Duprat coming bearded to take possession of his bishopric of Clermont, the dean of the canons attended by all the chapter, stopped him at the church gates, and respectfully presenting to him a large pair of scissars on a silver tray, protested that he should neither receive homage, nor be received himself, until he had repudiated his beard. William yielded with a good grace, and entered amidst the acclamations of the canons, carrying the spoils of their bishop's chin in triumph. It was under Louis XIII. that the beard disappeared from the French court, never to return. 1177. — Lohd Polkemet (a lord of session) in- vited once a member of the Scottish bar, to tak a family dinner with himsel, his wife, and bairns. When dinner was served up, there appeared a joint of roan veal at the head of the table ; stewed veal at the bottom ; veal-soup in the middle ; \ea.Vs-head on one side of the soup, and \ea\-cutlets on the other ; calf's- foot jelly between the veal-soup and the roast veal, and veal's brains between the stewed veal and feal-soup. ' Noo* quoth his lordship, in his own blunt way, ■ Mr. H you may very likely think this an odd sort of a dinner ; but ye'll no wonder when ye ken the cause of it. We keep nae company, Mr. H. ; and Miss B. here, my daughter, caters for our table. The way we do is just this : — we kill a beast, as it were to-day, and we begin to cook it at one side of the head, travel down that side, turn the tail, and just gang back again by the other side to where we began.' 1178. — A German of the name of Klotch, a very worthy man, was cook and maitre d'hotel to the Empress Catherine. Though old, he was a court Deau, and very spruce about the head ; and, being a favourite with her imperial majesty, used to hand some particular dishes to her on great occasions. 378 Job MILLER. One of the torments in high northern latitudes, where the summer is so short and hot, is the innumerable hosts of flies that tease you. Some wags, aware of tins, got the old gentleman's best bag-wig, and pow- dered it with the finest pulverized double refined white sugar ; so that, when he waited at table, he was beset, like Pharaoh, with the worst of his plagues. He beat with his hands, blew, puffed, reddened in the face, and at last, no longer able to bear silently the torment he endured, burst out suddenly with the exclamation of ■ Donder and blitz vas is das for a fly summer !' Her majesty, aware of the trick, soothed him ; and, affecting to wonder the flies should ex- clusively level all their stings at him, advised him to pull off his wig, which he reluctantly was obliged to do, and actually finished his attendance in a full dress suit of embroidered clothes, with his naked shaved head, to the no small amusement of the company present. 1179. — A certain king of Spain, from whom by the fate of battle a large extent of tenitory had been taken away, nevertheless continued to receive from his courtiers the title of Great. 'His greatness,' said a Spaniard, ' is like that of a ditch, which in- creases in proportion to the ground it loses.' 1180. — An Astrologer of the 15th century having foretold the death of a beautiful woman, whom Louis XI. loved, and who happened to die according to his prediction, the king was so enraged that he ordered him into his presence. ' You who foresee all,' said Louis, ' tell me when you yourself shall die.' The man, who without being a conjuror perceived the anger of the king, replied, ' T shall die three days before your majesty.' Fear and superstition got the better of resentment ; and to preserve his own life, Louis was very careful of that of the astrologer. 1181. — A lady, who was pressed for time in the progiess of some business, which was very important JOE MILLER. 879 to her, and who was going to her attorney to consult with him about the proceedings which were going on, to avoid a circuitous rout went in at one door of a church, during the time of divine service, and passed out at the other. In reply to some reproof which she received for having done so, she said, ' You must acknowledge that I am a thorough church-woman.' 1182. — Charles the Sixth of France gave a mas- querade, in which himself and five courtiers played the part of satyrs ; to resemble which, they were clothed in close linen habits, besmeared with rosin, and then stuck with down all over. One of the company, in a frolic touched one of these satyrs with a lighted torch as they were dancing in a ring. The consequence was, that all the six masks, or satyrs, were instantly enveloped in flames ; four of the six were burnt to death on the spot ; and the king never recovered the fright and disorder occasioned by the accident. 1183. — Henry the Fourth of France was much enamoured of a lady who used to attend the court. The Prince one day, in a gallant humour, said to her, * Pray, Madam, which is the way to your bed-room V — ' Through the church,' replied she. 1 184. — A very talkative lady received a visit from a gentleman, who was introduced to her as a man of great taste and learning. She, in order to court his admiration, displayed her knowledge and her wit with an unceasing rapidity. Being asked her opinion of her new acquaintance, she said she was never more charmed with the company of any man. A general laugh ensued ; the gentleman was dumb, and had kept up the conversation only with nods and smiles. 1185. — A young barrister, being reproached by his opponent for his extreme youth, said, ■ It is true that I am young, but my learned friend will find in tae course of this trial that I have read old books.' 300 ;OH MILL1.H. 1186. — Mono, Duke of Milan, havinq- displayod before the foreign ambassadors his magnificence and his riches, which excelled those of every other prince, said to them, ■ Has a man, possessed of so much wealth and prosperity, any thing to desire in this world?' — 'One thing only,' said one of them, — 'a nail to fix the wheel of Fortune.' 1187. — Chamillart, Comptroller-general of the finances in the reign of Louis XIV. had been a cele- brated pleader. He once lost a cause, in which he was concerned, through his excessive fondness for billiards. His client called on him the day after in extreme affliction, and told him that if he had made up a document which had been put into his hands, but which he had neglected to examine, a verdict must have been given in his favour. Chamillart read it, and found it of decisive importance to his cause. ' You sued the defendant,' said he, ■ for 20,000 livres. You have failed by my inadvertence. It is my duty to do you justice. Call on me in two days.' — In the mean time Chamillart procured the money, and paid it to his client, on no other condition than that he would keep the transaction secret. 1188. — A young engraver just entering into life, and who afterwards rose to great eminence in his profession, applied to Alderman Boydell for employ- ment. Having never executed any considerable work he had only some trifling specimens of his ability to shew. The alderman, however, was satisfied from them that the young artist possessed abilities worthy of encouragement, and offered him a picture, if he thought himself equal to it. The young man under- took it, and agreed on 25 guineas as the remuneration. When the plate was quite finished, he waited on the fclderman, finally to deliver it with a proof. Mr. Boydell examined so long, and as it seemed so minutely, that the artist was almost apprehensive that he was not quite pleased with it, and resolved to ask JOF. MILLER. 381 him ; adding, * that be should be happy to make any improvement or correction that Mr. Boydell might suggest.' — ' Oh no,' replied the alderman, ' I am extremely pleased with it, and desire no altera- tion. It is charming ; and instead of 25 guineas, I shall give you five and thirty : — very charming indeed — the more I look at it the more 1 like it ; I shall give you 50 guineas.' He went to his desk and wrote a cheque on his banker, which he gave to the artist, telling him to call on him in a few days, as he had further employment for him. The young man endeavoured to express his gratitude for this unex- pected and munificent liberality of his new patron ; but his speech utterly failed him, when, casting his eye on the cheque which he held in his hand, he found it to be for One Hututred Guineas ! This happy event was the foundation both of his fortune and his fame. 1189. — Abbe Ci erambaui.t, who was deformed, was elected to succeed La Fontaine in the French Academy. On that occasion it was said that ■ La Fontaine was very properly succeeded by Esop.' 1190. — One of the countless victims to the Font- hill Epidemic, at the moment of exhibiting that in- fallible incipient symptom which betrays itself in a visit to the princely mansion of the Pembrokes, found his atteution arrested at the very entrance, by the noble equestrian statue of Marcus Aurelins. After bestowing on this superb effort of the sculptor's art its due degree of silent admiration, he turned to a decent- looking native who stood nigh, and inquired for whom that figure was intended ? ■ Thot ther, Zur V was the reply ; ■ iss shuer I know't — 'tuz Marquis 0' Riley's.* 1191. — Mr. Schoonhoven, an old man, eighty years of age, who not long since lived in the neigh- bourhood of Lake George, related the following remarkable instance of the cruelty and generosity of the Indians, to Mr. H , a friend of Dr. Silli- 3R2 JOE MILLER. man. During the last French war in America, he, with six or seven other Americans, was taken pri- soner by a detachment of Indians, while on an ex- cursion through the wilderness between Fort William Henry on Lake George, and Sandy Hill on Hudson's River, where there is now a flourishing village. They conducted them to a spot which now forms an open place in the middle of the village, and made them sit down in a row on the trunk of a tree. The Indians then began, with perfect indifference, to split the skulls of their victims successively with their toma- hawks ; while the survivors were compelled to witness the dreadful fate of their companions, and await their own with a terror not to be conceived. Mr. Schoonhoven was the last but one on the opposite end of the tree where the massacre had begun. His turn was already come, and the murderous axe was brandished over his head and ready to fall on him, when the chief made a signal to put an end to the murder. On this he approached Mr. Schoonhoven, and said to him with composure : ' Do you not re- member how (at a time which he mentioned) while your young people were dancing, some poor Indians came up, and wished to join in the dance ; but your young people said, " No ; Indians shall not dance with us :" but you (for this man, it seems, recognised his features just at the critical moment) said, '• the Indians shall dance." I will now shew you that Indians can remember a favour.' This accidental recollection saved the life of Schoonhoven and his surviving companion. 1192. — Hen Jonson, owing a vintner some money, refrained his house ; the vintner, meeting him by chance, asked him for his money ; and also told him if he would come to his house and answer him four questions, he would forgive him the debt. Ben Jon- son very gladly agreed, and went at the time ap- pointed, called for a bottle of claret, and drank to JOE MILLER. 383 the vintner, praising the wine at a great rate. Says the vintner, ' This is not our business : Mr. Jonson, answer me ray four questions, or else you must pay me my money, or go to jail' (and he had got two bailiffs waiting at the door to arrest him). ' Pray,' says Ben, 'propose them.' — 'Then,' says the vint- ner, 'tell me, 1st, What pleases God] Jdly, What pleases the devil 1 3dly, What pleases the world ? and 4thly, What best pleases me?' — ' Well, then, * God is best pleased when man forsakes his sin; The devil's best pleas 'd when men persist therein ; The world's best pleas'd when you do draw good wine, And you'll be pleas'd when I do pay for mine/ The vintner was satisfied, gave Ben a receipt in full, and a bottle of claret into the bargain. 1193. — A man, who was on the point of being married, obtained from his confessor his certificate of confession. Having read it, he observed that the priest had omitted the usual penance. ' Did you not tell me, said the confessor, ' that you were going to be married If 1194. — Dean Jackson passing one morning through Christ-church quadrangle, met some under- graduates, who walked along without capping. The Dean called one of them, and asked, ' Do you know who I am V — 'No, Sir.' — 'How long have you been in College V — ' Eight days, Sir.' — * Oh, very well,' said the Dean, walking away, ' puppies don't open their eyes till the ninth day.' 119.5. — A little lawyer appearing as evidence in one of the courts, was asked by a gigantic counsel- lor, what profession he was of ; and having replied that he was an attorney. ' You a lawyer!' said Brief, 'why I could put you in my pocket.' — ' Very likely you may (rejoined the other), and if you do, you will have more law in your pocket than ever you had in your head.' 384 JOB MILLER. 1196. — The high-bailiff of Birmingham, attended by some officers of the town, goes round on a mar- ket-day to examine the weight of the butter, and they seize all which is found short of sixteen ounces. A countryman, who generally stood in a particular place, having on a former market day lost two pounds of butter, was seen, the next time they came round, to laugh heartily, while the officers were taking a considerable quantity from a woman who stood near him. One of the officers, not pleased with the fel- low's want of decorum, particularly in tlie presence of men vested with such awful authority, said, * What do you mean by laughing, fellow? I took two pounds from you last week.' — ' I'll lay you a guinea of it,' said the countryman. — ' Done,' replied the officer ; and immediately put a guinea into the hands of a respectable tradesman, who was standing at his own door. The countryman instantly covered it ; and then, with a triumphant grin, said, ■ Well done, thick head, if it had been two pounds would you have taken it from me ? was it not for being short of weight that I lost it?' The umpire without hesitation de- cided in his favour, to the great mortification of the humble administrators of justice. 1197. — An Irishman, some years ago, attending" the University of Edinburgh, waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute, desir- ing to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons : the flute player informed him, that he ge- nerally charged two guineas for the first mouth, and one guinea for the second. 'Then, by my soul,' replied the Hibernian, ■ I'll begin the second month!' 1 198. — Foote being at table next to a gentleman who had helped himself to a very large piece of bread ; he took it up and cut a piece off. ' Sir,' said the gentleman, ' that is my bread.' — ' I beg a thou- sand pardons, Sir/ said Foote, ' I protest I took it 'or the loaf.' JOE MILLER. 3&1 1199. — The colonel of the Perthshire cavalry, was lately complaining, that, from the ignorance and in- attention of his officers, he was obliged to do the whole duty of the regiment. ■ I am,' said he, ' my own captain, my own lieutenant, my own cornet,' — ' and trumpeter also, 1 presume/ said a certain witty duchess. 1200. — The late celebrated Dr. Brown paid his addresses to a lady for many years, but unsuccess- fully ; during which time he had always accustomed himself to propose her health, whenever he was called upon for a lady. But being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman reminded him, that he had forgotten to toast his favourite lady. * Why, indeed,' said the doctor, ' I find it all in vain ; I have toasted her so many years and cannot make her Brown, that I am determined to toast her no longer.' 1201. — The late Dr. Fowler, bishop of Glouces- ter, and Justice Powell, had frequent altercations on the subject of ghosts. The bishop was a zealous de- fender of the reality of them ; the justice was some- what sceptical. The bishop one day met his friend, and the justice told him that since their last confe- rence on the subject, he had had ocular demonstra- tion, which had convinced him of the existence of ghosts. ■ I rejoice at your conversion,' replied the bishop ; * give me the circumstance which produced it, with all the particulars. Ocular demonstration, you say?' — ' Yes, my lord ; as I lay last night in my bed, about the twelfth hour I was awakened by an uncommon noise, and heard something coming up stairs !' — * Go on, Sir.' — ' Fearfully alarmed at the noise, I drew my curtain .' — ■ Proceed.' — * And saw a faint glimmering light enter my chamber.' — 1 Of a blue colour, was it not?' interrogated the doc- tor. ' Of a pale blue ! and this pale blue light was followed by a tall, meagre, stern figure, who ap- peared as an old man of seventy years of age, arrayed 3ttO jot Mil i in a long light colouied rug gown, bound with a leathern girdle : his beard thick and grisly ; his h.iir scant and straight ; his face of a dark sable hue upon his head a large fur cap ; and in his hand a long staff, ["error seized my whole frame. I trem- bled till the bed verily shook, and cold drops hung upon every limb. The figure advanced with a slow and solemn step.' — ' Did you not speak to it? there was money hid, or murder committed, without doubt,' said the bishop. ' My lord, 1 did speak to it ; I adjured it by all that was holy to tell me whenee, and for what purpose he thus appeared.' — ' And in Heaven's name what was the reply V — ' Before he deigned to speak, he lifted up his staff three several times, my lord, and smote the floor, even so loudly that verily the strokes caused the room to reverberate the thundering sound, lie then waved the pale blue light which he bore in what is ealled a lantern, he waved it even to my eyes; and he told me, my lord, he told me that he was, yes, my lord, that he was, not more nor less than — the uatcltman ! who had come to give me notice that my street door was open, and that unless I rose and shut it, I might be robbed before morning.' The justice had no sooner con- cluded, than the bishop disappeared. l$oi. — A i Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried about the soundness of a horse, in which a clergy- man, not educated in the school of Tattersall, ap- pealed as a witness. He was confused in giving his evidence, and a furious blustering counsellor, who examined him, was at last tempted to exclaim, ' 1': do you know the difference between a horse and acowV — ' I acknowledge my ignorance,' replied the clergyman ; ' I hardly know the difference bet\\. a horse and a cow, or a bully and a bull, only that a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully,' bowing respectfully to the counsellor, ' luckily for me, has none.' JOE MILLER. 387 1 903. — As two Irish soldiers were passing through Chippenham, one of them observing the Borough Arms (which have somewhat the appearance of a Catchment ) over the Town-hall door, accosted his comrade with — ' Arrah Pat, lookup, what is that sign V — ' Botheration,' cries Pat, ■ 'tis no sign at all at all, 'tis only a sign that somebody's dead that lives there.' 1204. — Some years ago, a German Prince making the tour of Europe, stopped at Venice for a short period. It was at the close of summer, the Adriatic wa> calm, the nights were lovely, the Venetian wo- men full of those delicious spirits, that in their cli- mate rise and fall with the coming and departure of this finest season of the year. Every day was giveu by this illustrious stranger, to researches among the records aud antiquities of this singular city ; and every night to parties on the Brenta or the m u &M the morning drew nigh, it was the custom to return from the water, to sup at some of the houses of the nobility. In the commencement of his intercourse, all national distinctions were carefully suppressed; but as his intimacy increased, he could not help ob- serving the lurking vanity of the Italians. One of its most frequent exhibitions, was in the little dramas that wound up their stately festivities. The wit was constantly sharpened by some contrast between the Italian and the German, some slight aspersion on Teutonic rudeness, or some remark on the history of a people untouched by the elegance of southern manners. As the sarcasm was conveyed with Italian grace, and the offence softened by its humour, it was obvious that the only retaliation must be a good-na- tured and humorous one. When the Prince was on the point of taking leave, he invited his entertainers to a farewell supper. He drew the conversation to the infinite superiority of the Italians, and above all of the Venetians, acknowledged the darkness in which Germany had been destined to remain so long, 388 JOE MILLER. and looked forward with infinite sorrow to the com- parative opinion of posterity, upon a country to which so little of its gratitude must be due. ' But, my lords,' said he, rising, ■ we are an emulous peo- ple, and an example like yours must not be lost even upon a German. I have been charmed with your dramas, and have contrived a little arrangement to give you one of our country ; if you will condescend to follow me to the great hall.' The company rose and followed him through the splendid suite of a Ve- netian villa : to the hall which was fitted up as a German barn. The aspect of the theatre produced at first universal surprise, and next a universal smile. It had no resemblance to the gilded and sculptured saloons of their own sumptuous little theatres. How- ever, it was only so much the more Teutonic. The curtain drew up — the surprise rose into loud laughter, even amongst the Venetians, who have been seldom betrayed into any thing beyond a smile for genera tions together. The stage was a temporary erection, rude and uneven. The scenes represented a wretch- ed irregular street, scarcely lighted by a single lamp, and looking the fit haunt for robbery and assassina- tion. On a narrower view, some of the noble spec- tators began to think it had a resemblance to an Ita- lian street, and some actually discovered in it one of the leading streets of their own city. But the play was on a German story, and they were under a Ger- man roof. The street, notwithstanding its similitude, was of course German. The street was for a time unpeopled; but at length a traveller, .a German, with pistols in his belt, and apparently exhausted with fatigue, came heavily pacing along. He knocked at several of the doors, but could obtain no admission. He then wrapped himself up in his cloak, sat down upon the fragment of a monument, and thus soliloquized : — ■ Well, here I have come, and this is my reception. All palaces, no inns ; all nobles. JOE MILLF.R. 389 and not a man to tell me where I can lie down in comfort or in safety. Well, it can't be helped. A German does not much care, campaigning has hard- ened effeminacy amongst us. Loneliness is not so well unless a man can labour or read. Read, that's true, come out Zimmerman.' He drew a volume from his pocket, moved nearer to a decaying lamp, and soon seemed absorbed. He had been till now the only actor. Another soon shared the eyes of the spectators. A tall light figure came with a kind of visionary movement from behind the monument, sur- veyed the traveller with keen curiosity, listened with apparent astonishment at his words, and in another moment had fixed itself gazing over his shoulder on the volume. The eyes of this singular being wan- dered rapidly over the page, and when it was turned, they were lifted up to Heaven, with the strongest expressions of astonishment. The German was weary, his head soon drooped over his book, and he closed it. ■ What,' said he, rising and stretching himself, ■ is there no one stirring yet in this comfort- less place — is it not near day V He took out his re- peater, and touched the pendant ; it struck four. His mysterious attendant had watched him narrowly, the repeater was eyed in its turn ; but when it struck, delight was mingled with the wonder that had till then filled his pale, intelligent countenance. * Four o'clock,' said the German ; ■ in my country half the world would be going to their day's-work by this time ; in another hour it will be sun-rise. Well then , you nation of sleepers, I'll do you a service, and make you open your eyes.' He drew out one of his pistols and fired it. The attendant form still hover- ing behind him, had looked curiously on the pistol ; but on its going off, it started back in terror, and uttered a loud cry, that made the traveller start. * Who are you V was his greeting to this strange in- truder. ' I will not hurt you,' was the answer. 3P0 jos: mii.i.kr • Who caie's about that V was the retort, and he pulled out the other pistol. ' My friend, ' said the figure, ' even that weapon of thunder and lightning cannot hurt ine now ; but if you would know who I am, let me entreat you to satisfy my curiosity a mo- ment. You seem a man of extraordinary powers.' — ' Well then,' said the German, in a gentler tone, • if you come as a friend, I shall be glad to give you all the information in my power : it is the custom of our country to deny nothing to those who will love or learn.' The former sighed deeply, and murmured, 4 And yet you are a German ; but you were just reading a case of strange and yet most interesting figures : was it a manuscript V — ' No, it was a printed book !' — ' Printing, what is printing ? I never heard but of writing.' — ' It is an art by which one man can five to the world in one day, as much as three hun- red could give by writing, and in a character of superior clearness and beauty ; by which, books are universal, and literature eternal.' — ■ Admirable, rious art !' said the inquirer, ' who was its illustrious inventor?' — A German !' — ' Hut, another question, I saw you look at a most curious instrument, traced with figures, it sparkled with diamonds ; but its. greatest wonder was its sound. It gave the hour with miraculous exactness, and the sounds were followed with tones superior to the sweetest mu^ic of my day.' — 4 That was a repeater !' — ■ How ! when I had the luxuries of the world at my command, I had nothing better to tell the hour with, than a cleo- sydra, or a sun-dial. But this must be invaluable, from its facility of being carried about. It must be an admirable guide even to higher knowledge. All depends upon the exactness of time. It may assist navigation, astronomy. What an invention ! whose was it 1 he must be more than human.' — ' He was a German !' — ' What, still a barbarian ! I remember his nation : I once saw a legion of them inarching JOE MILLER. 3&1 towards Rome — they were a bold and brave blue- eyed troop— the whole city poured out to see them ; but we looked on them as so many gallant sa\ages. I have only one more question to ask you. 1 saw you raise your hand, with a small truncheon in it ; in a moment something rushed out, that seemed a portion of the fire of the clouds. Were those thun- der and lightning that I saw ? Did they come at your command ] Was that truncheon a talisman, and are you a mighty magician 1 Was that truncheon a sceptre, commanding the elements ? Are you a god t The strange inquirer had drawn back gradu- ally, as his feelings rose. His curiosity was now turned into solemn wonder, and he stood gazing up- wards, in an attitude expressive of mingled awe and astonishment. The German felt the sensation of a superior presence growing on himself, as he looked on the fixed countenance of this mysterious being. It was in that misty blending of light and darkness, which the moon leaves as it sinks just before morn. There was a single hue of pale grey in the East that tinged the stranger's visage, with a chill li^ht ; the moon resting broadly on the horizon, was setting be- hind, and the figure seemed as if standing in the orb ; its arms were lifted towards heaven, and the light came through between them, with the mild splendour of a vision. But the German, habituated to the vicissitudes of ■ perils by flood and field,' shook off his brief alarm, and proceeded calmly to explain the source of the miracle. He gave a slight detail of the machinery of the pistol, and alluded to the history of gunpowder. ' It must be a mighty in- strument in the hands of man, either for good or ill,' said the form. * How it must change the nature of war ! By whom was this wondrous secret revealed to the treaders upon earth !' — ■ A German.' The form seemed suddenly to enlarge — its feebleness of voice was gone — its attitude was irresistibly noble. Be- 392 joe miller. fore it had uttered a word, it looked as made to per- suade and command ; its outer robe had been flung away j it now stood with an antique dress of brilliant white, gathered in many folds, and edged in a deep border of purple ; a slight wreath, like laurel, of a dazzling green, was on its brow ; it looked like the Genius of Eloquence. ■ Stranger,' said he, pointing to the Appenines, which were beginning to be marked with twilight, ' eighteen hundred years have passed away since I was the glory of all beyond those mountains. J was then triumphant, and was ho- noured as the great leading mind of the intellectual empire of the world : but I knew nothing of these things ; I was a child to you. Has not Italy been still the mistress of the mind ? Shew me her noble inventions. I must soon sink into the earth — let me learn still to love my country.' The listener started back, exclaiming, ■ Who, and what are you V — ' I am the spirit of an ancient Roman. Shew me by the love of a patriot, what Italy now sends out to enlighten mankind.' The German looked embar- rassed; but, in a moment after, he heard the sound of a pipe and tabor. He pointed in silence to the narrow street from whence the interruption came ; a ragged figure tottered out, with a barrel-organ at his back, a frame of puppets in his hand, a hurdy-gurdy round his neck, and a string of dancing dogs in his train. The spirit uttered, with a sigh, ' Is this Italy ?' The German bowed his head. The showman began his cry — ' Raree show, fine raree show against the wall ! Fine, Madam Catalani dance upon de ground. Who come for de galantee show!' The organ struck up, the dogs danced, the Italian capered round them. The spirit raised his broad gaze to Heaven — ' These the men of my country! these the poets, the orators, the patriots of mankind ! What scorn and curse has fallen upon them !' As he gazed, tears suddenly suffused his eyes ; a sunbeam struck JOE MILLER. 393 across the spot where he stood ; a purple mist rose around him, and he was gone.— The Venetians, with one accord, started from their seats and rushed out of the hall. The Prince and his suite had previously arranged every thing for leaving the city, and were beyond the Venetian territory before sunrise. An- other night in Venice, and they would have been on their way to the other world. 1205.— Columbus speaking with great humility of his discovery of America, some of the company spoke in very depreciating terms of the expedition. ' There is no more difficulty,' replied Columbus, '.than in putting this egg on its end.' They tried the experi- ment, and all failed. Columbus, breaking a little off the end, set it upright. The company sneered at the contrivance. - * Thus/ observed Columbus, * a thing, appears very easy after it is done.' 1206. — Three graziers at a fair left their money with their hostess, while they went to transact their business. A short time after, one of them returned, and under pretence that they had occasion for the whole money, received it from the hostess, and made his escape with it. The other two sued the woman for delivering that which she had received from the three, before the three came and demanded it. The cause was tried, and a verdict found against the woman ; when Mr. Noy, then making his first ap- pearance at the bar, wished to be feed by her, be- cause he could not plead without it. He then moved an arrest of judgment, that he was retained by the defendant, and that the case was this: the defendant had received the money of the three together, arid confesses she was not to deliver it until the same three demanded it, and therefore the money is ready — let the three men come, and it shall be paid ; (which as one of them had run away was impossible.) This motion altered the whole course of proceeding and first brought Mr. Noy into notice. S 2 394 JOE MILLER. 1*07. — Sin Gilbert Heathcotb was very inti- mate with Sir Robert Walpole, and one evei being at the minister's house, he was ask»-d, as usual, what he chose for supper, to which he answered, ' beef- steaks and oyster sauce.* After spending an agreeable hour or two in conversation over a bottle, Sir Gilbert rose to take his leave, but seeing the hall lined with servants, he turned round to Sir Robert, and asked him which of them he was to pay for his beef-steak? Sir Robert took the hint, and ordered the servants instantly to withdraw. 1208. — The Vicar of Bray, in Berkshire, being a Papist under the reign of Henry VIII., and a Pro- testant under Edward VI., a Papist again under Queen Mary, and a Protestant in the reign of Queen Elizabeth, was reproached as the scandal of his gown, by turning so often from one religion to an- other. ' 1 cannot help that,' said the vicar, 4 for if I changed my religion, 1 am sure I kept true to my principle, which is — To live and die Vicar of Bray.' 1209. — Soon after Dr. Porteus, the late Bishop of London, was advanced to the metropolitan see, he went to court, where his majesty addressed him in French, which the prelate not understanding, the king then spoke to him in Italian, with which lan- guage he was likewise unacquainted. * What, my lord!' said the king, 'don't you understand the polite languages V — ' Oh, my liege,' replied the bi- shop, ' the acquisition is not necessary, as the devil is as much mortified by a reproof in plain English, as any other dialect ' 1210. — Loan Nelson, shortly after the loss of his arm, went to St. James's, accompanied by Captain Berry, when the King, with his usual suavity, la- mented the gallant admiral's wound, observing, he was sorry to see he had lost his right arm. But not my right hand,' replied Nelson, presenting Cap- tain Berry to his majesty. JOE MIL1 KR. 390 1611. — Lord Nelson, when about eight years old, and on a visit with his grandmother at Hilbo- rough, was invited by another boy to go bird's nest- ing. As he did not return at the usual dinner hour, the old lady became alarmed, and despatched mes- sengers different ways to search after him. The young ramblers at length were discovered under a hedge, counting the spoils of the day, and the young Horatio was brought home. His relation began to scold him for being absent without her leave, and concluded with saying, • I wondery>«r did not drive you home.' Horatio innocently replied, ' Madam, I never saw fear.' l£l£. — Mr. Henry Erskinf, celebrated for his elegant repartee, being in company with the beauti- ful Duchess of Gordon, asked her, 4 Are we never again to enjoy the pleasure of your grace's society in Edinburgh ?' — * Oh !' said she, ' Edinburgh is a vile dull place, I hate it.' — ' Madam,' replied the gallant barrister, ' the sun might as well say, this is a vile dark morning, I won't rise to-day/ 1213. — Sergeant Maynard, an eminent coun- sellor, waiting with the body of the law upon the Prince of Orange (afterwards King William) on his arrival in London, the prince took notice of his great age, the sergeant then being near ninety. ■ Sir,' said he, ' you have outlived all the men of the law of your younger years.' — ■ I should have outlived even the law itself,' replied the sergeant, ■ if your high- ness had not arrived.' Ifl4. — Two legal characters of great respectabi- lity, who were more remarkable for professional learn- ing and judgment than knowledge of the habits and manners of fashionable life, were present at the fes- tival given by the Prince Regent, (in honour of his royal father's birth- day — King George III.) at Carl- ton House, but their wigs, and the whole of their attire, gave them so grotesque an aspect, that the 396 JOE MIL1.EK. Prince asked Mr. Jekyll (his solicitor-general) if he had noticed his brethren ? ■ Yes,' said the wag ; * but I cannot help thinking that they have mistaken the nature of your royal highness's entertainment, and supposed that it was to be a masquerade.' One of the legal sages, who heard this observation, imme- diately said, ' I perceive that your royal highness's court is in the old style, with a jester.* 1215. — During the time of Cromwell, by unjust dealing and monopoly, a great scarcity having taken place in a plentiful year ; Oliver, knowing there was a great quantity of grain in the country, took the following method to find out and punish the rogues in grain. He, in consequence, offered a premium of one thousand pounds to him who should bring the greatest quantity of grain to market on a certain day ; upon which immense quantities were produced ; but one man above all the rest produced far the greater quantity. Cromwell immediately ordered him to be paid the reward; and, producing a rope, told him he would give him an halter into the bargain, and or- dered the monopolizer to be hanged. 1216. — A certain member of parliament having heard many speeches in the house, to the great ap- plause of the speaker, grew ambitious of rival glory by his oratory ; and accordingly watched for a fa- vourable opportunity to open. At length an occa- sion presented itself : it was on a motion being made *i the house for enforcing the execution of some sta- bte ; on which public-spirited motion, the orator in embryo rose solemnly up, and, after giving three loud aems, spoke as follows: — 'Mr. Speaker — have we aws, or have we not laws 1 If we have laws, and ttey are not observed, to what end were those laws made V So saying, he sat himself down, his chest heaving high with conscious consequence ; when another rose up, and delivered his thoughts in these *ords : — ■ Mr. Speaker -did the honourable gentle- JOE MILLER. 3 7 man who spoke last, speak to the purpose, or not speak to the purpose ? If he did not speak to the purpose, to what purpose did he speak?' Which apropos reply set the whole house in such a fit of laughter, as discouraged the young orator from ever attempting . to speak again. 1917. — Two Irish porters meeting in Dublin, one addressed the other with ' Och, Thady, my jewel, is it you? are you just come from England ? Pray, did you see any thing of our old friend, Pat Murphy V . — ' The devil a sight,' replied he, * and what's worse I'm afraid I never shall.' — \ How so ?'— ' Why, he met with a very unfortunate accident lately.' — 'Amazing! What was it?' — 'O, indeed, nothing more than this ; as he was standing on a plank, talking devoutly to a priest, at a place in London which I think they call the Old Bailey, the plank suddenly gave way, and poor Murphy got his neck broke.' 1218. — King John being shewn a stately monu- ment erected over the grave of a nobleman who had rebelled against him, and being advised to deface it, answered, ' No, no, I wish all my enemies were as honourably buried.' 1219. — One day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use of this assertion : ■ I never knew a modest man make his way at court.' To this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied : 'And please your majesty, whose fault is that ?' The king was struck, and remained silent. 1220. — Burke had once risen in the House of Commons, with some papers in his hand, on the sub- ject of which he intended to make a motion ; when a rough-hewn member readily started up, and said — 1 Mr. Speaker, I hope the honourable gentleman does not mean to read that large bundle of papers, and to bore us with a long speech into the bargain.' Mr. Burke was so swollen, or rather so nearly suffocated MR roi miii i.r. with rage as to be incapable of utterance, and abso- lutely ran out of the House. George Selwyn re- marked it was the only time he had ever seen the fable realized — • A Lion put to flight by the braying of an A :. — Lord Galloway was an enemy to the Bute administration. At the change of the mini! he came to London for the first time in the late Kii reign. He was dressed in black, in a very uncourtly style. When he appeared at the levee, the eyes of the company were turned on him ; and George Sel- wyn, being asked who he was, replied: ' A Scotch undertaker, come to bury the last administration.' I. — In one of those social parties, which some- times take place even among the great at the west- end of the town, where mirth and innocent amuse- ment occupy the place of ceremony, a young lady, who had been a pupil of Dr. Spurzheim, was instruct- ing the company with her observations on their heads. At length it came to the turn of the great Captain of the Age to have his head examined ; which done, the lady's opinion was demanded. She hesitated, blushed, but said nothing. — • Come,' said his Grace, ' don't be afraid, my young friend, to declare what you think.' — ' Why then,' said the lady, * since I must speak, your Grace is deficient in that organ, which I, in com- mon with all the world, know you possess in the high- estdegree— Gall's doctrines must fall atonce.' — * No, Madam,' said the Duke, * you mean courage, and I assure you, your doctrine receives confirmation, not refutation, from the head you have examined. I have no courage, and never had in a physical sense, and that, which I trust I do possess, is altogether the ef- fect of reason and reflection.' 1223. — The Rev. Dr. P., visiting a country-cler- gyman, requested permission to preach to his con- gregation, which his friend consented to, on condition • he adapted the language of his sermon to the JOE MILLER. 399 illiterate capacities of his parishioners, and that he used no hard words. After the sermon was over, Dr. P. a-ked his friend whether he had not strictly observed the conditions ? The other replied that he had used several words beyond the comprehension of his hearers, and instanced the word felicity, for which he would have substituted happiness. Dr. P. contended that one word was as plain as the other ; and, to prove it, proposed calling in the ploughman, and putting it to him, which was done. ' Well, Robin, do you know the meaning of the vror& felicity?' — * Ees, Sir,' said Robin, scratching his head and en- deavouring to look wise, ' ees, I thinks as how I does.' — ' Well, Robin, speak up.' — ■ Wy, Sir, I doesn't disactly, but I thinks it's some'at inside of a pig.' 1224, — Genvral Laporie, in conversation with Count Lehrbach and Field-marshal Lasnes, at the French advanced posts, while the convention of Ho- henlinden was preparing, made some allusions to the want of dignity which a great nation exhibits in mak- ing war in the pay of a foreign power. — ' How !' ob- served the Austrian, * the emperor is in no one's pay/ — ' But you received subsidies from England.' — * No,' said Count Lehrbach, with vehemence, 'it is a loan.' — ' Yes,' replied Laborie sarcastically, ' and you pay the interest with legs and arms.* 1225. — Tom Tickle was peculiarly odd in his man * ner of drawing characters. He once sent his servant to a gentleman, remarkable for being always in a hurry, with a message of great importance ; but the servant returned, and told his master that the gentle- man was in so great a hurry he could not speak to him. ' It is no more than what I expected,' says Tom, ■ for he loses an hour in the morning, and runs after it all day.' 1226. — A commercial traveller one day, at a country inn, was boasting somewhat extravagantly of the very extensive nature of the transactions in 400 JOE MILLER. which he had the honour to be concerned. Amongst other proofs of the truth of his representations, h N e stated to his fellow-travellers, that ' his house paid upwards of 300/. per annum for the article of writ- ing-ink only, to be used in their counting-house, and other offices !' — ■ Oh !' replies a traveller in a differ- ent line of business, ■ that's a mere flea-bite to the business done by our house ; do you know,' he con- tinued, ' that during the last twelvemonths we have saved, in that article alone, no less a sum than 2,000/. by merely omitting the dots to our is, and the crosses to our t's V : 1227 '. — A shoemaker once disappointed Dean Swift, by not bringing a pair of shoes at the promised time, and excused himself by saying he had forgotten io do so. The Dean appeared satisfied, asked him into his garden, and after a few turns left him on some pretence, locked the garden door, and put the key in nis pocket. The shoemaker soon began to grow very cold and impatient. No attention, however, was paid him until night-fall, when he began to roar most lus- tily. The Dean, armed with a blunderbuss, and ac- companied by all his servants, rushed out to the garden, and inquired, ' Who's there?' in a voice of thunder. The shoemaker replied it was he. * Good God ! Mr. — ,' said the Dean, ' how long have you been here?' — 'Six hours,' rejoined the shoemaker. — * My dear Sir,' said the Dean, ' I beg your pardon, but I quite forgot you — as you forgot the shoes.' 1228. — Thf. Abbe Maury, who had rendered himself obnoxious to the democrats, during the French Revo- lution, was one night seized by the mob, who looked round for a lamp-post to suspend him on : ' Pray, my good friends,' said the Abb6, ' were you to hang me to that lamp, do you think that you would see the clearer for it V This well-timed wit softened the rabble more effectually than the dialectics of Ramus, and saved his life. JOE MILLER. 401 1229. — The sallies of heroes are admired only when they are attended with success, — ■ Thou bear- est Caesar and his fortune' — but if Caesar had been drowned? 'So would I, if I were Parmenio' — but if Alexander had been beaten ? ' Take these rags and bring them to me in St. James's palace' — but Charles Edward was defeated. 1230, — A wit asked a countryman at what time he most enjoyed himself? * In winter/ replied he, ' when I sleep in the chimney-corner after supper.' ' Then you are of swinish descent,' said the wit, ' for they sleep after meals.' — ' Pray,' said the fellow, 1 what time do you wags enjoy most V — ' May,' re- plied the other. * Very well,' cried the fellow, 'your kin is clear enough, for my ass likes that part of the year best.' 1231. — The discontent of the French troops in Egypt happily vented itself in sarcastic jokes : this is the humour which always bears a Frenchman through difficulties. They had a great spite at Ge- neral Caffarelli, whom they believed to have been one of the promoters of the expedition. Caffarelli had a wooden leg, having lost one of his limbs on the banks of the Rhine ; and whenever the soldiers saw him hobbling past, they would say, loud enough for him to hear — ■ That fellow does not care what happens ; he is certain at all events to have one leg in France ' ltS2. — The ambassadors sent from Florence to France, passing through Milan, paid a visit of cere- mony to the Duke Barnabo, who asking them who they were, they answered, ' Citizens and ambassadors of Florence, if it please your highness.' Being gra- ciously received, they proceeded on their journey ; and when they came to Vercelli it was started that the expression used to the duke was improper, for they were certainly citizens and ambassadors of Florence, whether it pleased his highness or not. After much JOE MILLER. beration, they agreed to return to Milan, and re- tract that expression, as derogatory to their embassy. ing to the duke's presence, the elder spoke thus : 4 Prince, when we came to Vercelli, we recollected to have said, M That we were citizens and ambassadors of Florence, if it please your highness ," which was a wrong expression ; for we are citizens and ambas- sadors of Florence, whether it please yi>ur highness or not.' — Barnabo, laughing, answered, 4 Now I know you to be what I supposed, grave men, and wise.' I — Charles V. going to see the new cloister of the Dominicans at Vienna, overtook a peasant who 'was carrying a sucking pig, and whose cries were so disagreeable to the emperor, that, after many expres- sions of impatience, he said to the peasant, 'My friend, do you not know how to silence a sucking pig V The poor man said, modestly, that he really did not, and should be happy to learn. ' lake it by the tail,' said the emperor. The peasant finding this succeed upon trial, turned to-the emperor, and said, ' Faith, friend, you nmst longer at the trade than me, for you understand it better.' An answer which furnished repeated laughter to Charles and his court. — A cirate of great learning and merit, but without any prospect of preferment, found an op- portunity of preaching before Bishop Hough, who with his discourse and manner of delivery, that after service he sent his compli- ments to him, desiring to know his name, and where ' Bij duty to his lordship,' replied the < 'and tell him my name 1 that re none; but my starving is in Wales.' i answer did not displease the good bishop, some time alter presented him to a valuable benefice. pi said to one who was silent in company, 4 If you are a fool, you do wisely ; if you are wi»e, you do foolishly.' JOE MILLER. 403 1236. — Gardinal d'Este having been instrumen- tal in raising Sixtus V. to the papacy, and not find- ing himself consulted in matters of government, re- proached him one day, saying, ■ But for me you had not been pope.' Sixtus answered, ' If you made me pope, let me be pope. I shall never be so while I am governed by another.' 1237. — Salezzo de Pedrada praising an old lady for her beauty, she answered, that beauty was in- compatible with her age. To which Salezzo replied, ' We say as beautiful as an angel, and yet the angels are, of all creatures, the most ancient.' 1238. — Whin Xerxes wrote to Leonidas to sur- render his arms, he only replied, ' Come and take them.' 1239. — Mrs. Barbauld being on a visit to the university of Oxford, in company with a veiy stupid young nobleman, who acted as Cicerone at one of the colleges, it was observed by a person who knew both the parties, how unfortunate she was in her conductor. ' Not at all,' said a gentleman present, ' Minerva, you know, was always attended by an oul.' 1240. — Old Astley, one evening, when his band was playing an overture, went up to the horn players, and asked why they were not playing. They said they had twenty bars rest. ■ Rest !' says he, ' I'll have nobody rest in my company ; I pay you for play- ing not for resting.' 1241. — Mr. Moore having been long under a pro- secution in Doctors' Commons, his proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of the Gamester. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of the piece, being all he had written, by which the man of law was so much affected, that he exclaimed, 4 Good God ! can you add to this couple's distress in the last act V — ' Oh ! very easily,' said the post, ' I intend to put them in the Spiritual Court/ 404 JOE MILLER. 1242. — Macklin, the player, once going to one of Ae fire-offices to insure some property, was asked by the clerk how he would please to nave his name entered. ■ Entered,' replied the veteran, ' why, I am only plain Charles Macklin, a vagabond by act of parliament ; but, in compliment to the times, y ou may set me down Charles Macklin, Esq. as they are now synonymous terms.* 1243. — An Athenian, who wanted eloquence, but was very brave, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great affairs, got up, and said, ' Men of Athens, all that he has said, I will do.' 1244.— When Pope Clement XIV. (Ganganelli) ascended the papal chair, the ambassadors of the dif- ferent states waited on him with congratulations : when they were introduced, they bowed, and he re- turned the compliment by bowing likewise ; the mas- ter of the ceremonies told his holiness he should not have returned their salute ; ■ O, I beg your pardon/ said the good pontiff, ' I have not been pope long enough to forget good manners.' 1245. — When Lord Howe was captain of the Magnanime, a negro sailor on board was ordered to be flogged. Every thing being prepared, and the ship's company assembled to see the punishment in- flicted, Captain Howe made a long address to the culprit on the enormity of his offence. Poor Mungo, tired of the harangue, and having his back exposed to the cold, exclaimed, * Massa, if you floggee, flog- gee ; or if you preachee, preachee ; but no preachee and floggee too ! 1216. — Nld Shuter was often very poor, and being still more negligent than poor, was careless about his dress. A friend overtaking him one day in the street, said to him, 1 Why, Ned, are you not ashamed to walk the streets with twenty holes in your stockings 1 why don't you get them mended V— - No, my friend,' said Ned, ' I am above it j and if JOE MILLER. 405 you have the pride of a gentleman, you will act like me, and walk with twenty holes rather than have one darn.' — ' How, how,' replied the other, ' howdoyoa make that out V — ' Why,' replied Ned, ■ a hole is the accident of the day ; but a darn is premeditated poverty.' 1247. — About the year 1715, when Dr. Halley's scheme of the great solar eclipse, which foretold the precise time of its beginning and ending, was cried about the streets of London, there happened to be a Turkish envoy here, who at first thought the people distracted, for pretending to know so very exactly when the Almighty would totally overshadow the sun, a circumstance of which the Mussulmans were ignorant. He concluded that God would never re- veal so great a secret to infidels, and keep it concealed from the true believers. However, when the eclipse came actually to pass, as had been predicted, Lord Forfar asked his excellency what he now thought of the English mathematicians 1 His answer was, ' They must certainly have obtained their intelligence from the devil ; for he was sure that God would never cor- respond with such a wretched set of unbelievers as the English astronomers.' 1248. — Louis XII. being at his castle of Plassey, near Tours, went one evening into the kitchen, where he found a boy turning the spit. The lad had something in his countenance which prepossessed the king in his favour, and he demanded who he was. The boy, not knowing the king, replied, with honest simplicity, that ' his name was Stephen — that he came from Bern — and that he gained as much as the king/ — ' How much gains the king V demanded Louis, with some degree of astonishment. ' His ex- penses,' answered the boy, ■ and I gain mine.' This answer so much pleased the monarch, that he took the lad under his protection, and appointed him his valet-de-chambre. 406 JOE MIILF.R. 1249. — The late Marquis of Granbv ha^ ing re- turned from the army in Germany, travelled with all possible expedition from the English port at which he landed to London, and finding on his arrival that the king was at Windsor, he proceeded there in his travelling-dress ; where desiring to be instantly in- troduced to his majesty, there came a certain lord, neat and trim dressed, gay, and perfumed like a mil- liner, who, in the style of a waiting gentlewoman, said, he hoped to God the noble marquis did not mean to go into the presence of his majesty in so im- proper a habit, adding, ' 'Pon my honour, my lord, you look more like a groom than a gentleman.' — ' Perhaps 1 may,' replied the marquis, ' and I give you my word, if you do not introduce me to the king this instant, I will act like a groom, and curry you in a way you won't like.' 1250. — Dr. Franklin's peculiar talent was that of illustrating subjects by apposite anecdotes. When he was agent here for the province of Pennsylvania, he was frequently applied to by the ministry for his opinion respecting the operation of the stamp act ; but his answer was uniformly the same, * that the people of America would never submit to it.' After the news of the destruction of the stamped papers had arrived in England, the ministry again sent for the doctor to consult with ; and in conclusion offered this proposal, ' That if the Americans would engage to pay for the damage done in the destruction of the sped paper, &c. the parliament would then repeal the act.' The doctor, having paused upon this ques- tion for some time, at last answered it as follows : — 'I'd is puts me in mind of a Frenchman, who, having halted a poker red hot, ran furiously into the street, and addressing the first Englishman he met there, * Hah ! Monsieur voulez-vous give me de plaisir, de faction, to let me run this poker only one foot into your body?' — ' My body !' replied ihe English- JOE MILLER. 407 man : * what do you mean V — ■ Vel den, only so far,' marking about six inches. ■ Are you mad V returned the other ; ' I tell you, if you don't go about your business, I'll knock you down.' — ' Vel den,' said the Frenchman, softening his voice and manner : * vil you, my good sire, only be so obliging as to pay me for the trouble and expense of heating this poker ? J 1251. — At the battle of Dettingen, George II., who commanded in person, rode on a very unruly horse, which at one period ran away with him to a very considerable distance, until Ensign Trapand, afterwards general, seized the bridle, when the king dismounted, exclaiming, ' Now that I am on my legs, 1 am sure that I shall not run away.' At the same battle, the Gens d'armes, the flower of the French army, made a desperate charge on the British line opposed to them, and were repulsed. In their retreat they were attacked by the Scotch Greys, and pushed into the river. Some years after, at a review of the above regiment, his majesty, after applauding their appearance, turned to the French ambassador, and a*ked him his opinion of the regiment, adding, in his exulting manner, that they were the best troops in the world. The ambassador replied, ' Has your majesty ever seen the Gens d'armes V — ' No,' rejoined the king, ' but my Greys have.' 1232. — A cai se w^as once tried in one of the western counties which originated in a dispute about a pair of small-clothes. Upon this occasion the judge observed, ' that it was the first time he had ever known a suit made out of a pair of breeches.' 1253. — The late earl of Rochester, whose brilliant wit and talents rendered him so distinguished in the court of Charles II. and who, during a temporary disgrace with his sovereign, made himself a mighty favourite with the lower orders, by his exhibitions, under the mask of an Italian mountebank, on Tower- fc.il, felt so much diffidence in the House of Lords, 408 JOE MILLER. that he was never able to address them It is said, that having frequently attended, he once essayed to make a speech, but was so embarrassed that he was unable to proceed. ' My lords,' said he, ' 1 rise this time — my lords, I divide my discourse into four branches.' Here he faultered for some time ; at length he was able to add, ' My lords, if ever I rise again in this nouse, I give you leave to cut me oh\' root and branch, for ever.' He then sat down, to the astonishment of all present, 1254. — When the archbishop of York sent Ben Jonson an excellent dish of fish from his table, but without drink, he said — ' In a dish came fish From the archbis- Hop was not there, Because there was no beer.' 1255. — In a debate, one evening, on the justice and expediency of making some alteration in the ec- clesiastical constitution of this country, for the relief of tender consciences, Doctor Gordon, fellow of Emanuel College, and afterwards precentor of Lin- coln, an avowed Tory in religious politics, when vehemently opposing the arguments of Mr. Jebb, a strenuous supporter of all such improvements, ex- claimed, with his usual heat ; — ' You mean, Sir, to impose upon us a new church government.' — * You are mistaken, Sir,' said Paley, who was present, — 4 Jebb only wants to ride his own horse, not to force you to get up behind him.' 1256.— It is said that Sir Isaac Newton did once in his life go a wooing, and, as was to be expected, had the greatest indulgence paid to his little pecu- liarities, which ever accompany a great genius. Knowing that he was fond of smoking, the lady as- siduously provided him with a pipe, and they were seated as if to open the business of Cupid. Sir Isaac JOE MILLLR. 409 smoked a few whiffs — seemed at a loss for something — whiffed again — and at last drew his chair near to the lady : a pause of some minutes ensued ; he seemed a little uneasy ; ' Oh the timidity of some V thought the lady — when, lo ! Sir Isaac had got hold of her hand. The lady cast her eyes down towards the floor, and the palpitations began : he will kiss it, thought she, no doubt, and then the matter will be settled. Sir Isaac whiffed with redoubled fury, and drew the captive hand near his head ; already the expected salute vibrated from the hand to the heart — when, pity the damsel, gentle reader! Sir Isaac only raised the fair hand, to make the tore-finger what he much wanted — a tobacco-stopper ! 1257. — Doctor Fuli.i r having requested one of his companions, who was a bon-vivcuU, to make an epitaph for him, received the following, with the con- ceit of which he always expressed himself much pleased, — ( Here lies Fuller's earth V 1258. — Porson's company, as may well be sup- posed, was courted by all ranks, from the combina- tion-room to the cider-cellar, for he mixed with all, and was to be found in both ; and it was who should assist at his evening lectures, and who should carry away most from the oracle. But sometimes it would happen, as it does to most men, that he was bedevilled, and pulling a book out of his pocket, read only to himself ; at other times he was violent, and, catching the poker out of the fire, brandished it over his head, to the terror of the company. Of this trick, however, he was cured, once for all, by a spark of fighting notoriety, who, on seeing Porson seize the poker, and not being used to a furious Greek, but in the play, snatched up the tongs, observing two could Dlay at that game. Upon this, the professor, with a weer of his own said, ' I believe, if I should crack four skull, I should find it very empty.' — ' And if I T 410 JUL. Mill 111. should break your head,' replied the Irishman, ' I should find it full of maggots.' This retort pleased Porson so much, that he returned the poker to the fire, and repeated a whole chapter of Roderick Random, analogous to the affair. It 59. — Latimir, the pious and learned martyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the first re- formers of the church of England, at a controversial conference, being out-talked by younger divines, and out-argued by those who were more studied in the fathers, said, * I cannot talk for my religion, but I am ready to die for it.' 1260. — Professor Saundersox, who occupied so distinguished a situation in the University of Cam- bridge, as that of Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, was quite blind. Happening on a time to make one in a large party, he remarked of a lady who had just left the room, but whom he had never before met, nor heard of, that she had very white teeth. The company were anxious to learn how he had discovered this, which was very true. 'I have reason,' observed the professor, ■ to believe that the lady is not a fool, and I can think of no other motive for her laughing in- cessantly, as she did for a whole hour together.' 1S61. — The following, amongst other reasons, is given as the origin of the students of St. John's College being denominated hogs. A waggish genius espying a coffee house waiter carrying a dish to a Johnian, who was seated in another box in the same coffee-house, asked, ■ if it were a dish of grains !' The Johnian immediately replied, — ' Says , the Johns eat grains -, suppose it true, '] Ik v pay for what they eat ; does he so too?' 1262. — Porson was no less distinguished for h» wit and humour, during Ins residence in Cambridge, than for his profound learning ; and he would fie- JcE MILLER. 411 quently divert himself by sending quizzical morceaux, in the shape of notes, to his companions. He one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, who is now a D. D. and master of his College, requesting him to find the value of nothing? Next day he met his friend walking, and, stopping him, he desired to know, * Whether he had succeeded?' His friend an- swered — 'Yes!' — 'And what may it be?' asked Porson. ' Siipence V replied the Cantab, ' which I gave the man for bringing the note.' 1263. — Dr. Glynn, being one day in attendance on a lady in the quality of her physician, took the liberty of lecturing her on the impropriety of her eating cucumber, of which she was immoderately fond ; and gave her the following humorous receipt for dressing them : — ' Peel the cucumber/ said the doctor, ' with great care ; then cut it into very thin slices, pepper and salt it well, and then — throw it away !' 1264. — A Johnian, now deceased, one day met a Trinity man, walking under the piazza of Neville's Court, of whom he had some knowledge. Going suddenly up to the Trinitarian, he addressed him with, — • Sir, you area thief !' The Trinitarian, all astonish- ment at the tone in which the accusation was made, demanded an explanation. ■ Sir,' answered the Johnian, smiling, ' you steal from the sun.' 1265 — A son of Grantor, whose delight was rather in the sports of the field than in strutting about the streets of the University a la Cantab, had been out very early one morning at a fox-chase : from which returning at a late hour, his appetite became so ex- cessively keen, that it was not to be resisted, and accordingly he resolved to beg alms at the first farm- house he might light on. His sight rendered keener by the cravings of his stomach, he soon espied a small house at some distance, which having gained, he offered his humble petition to mine hostess. The old 412 JOE MILLER. dame courtesied, begged our hero would alight, and regretted she had no better cheer to offer him than the remnant of a meat pie, the remains of their own frugal meal. 'Anything is better than nothing,' cried the Cantab, at the same time entreating she wouM not delay a moment in placing it before him : for he already devoured it in imagination, so keen was his hunger. ' Here it is,' said the dame, produc- ing it at the same instant from a small cupboard near the elbow of our sportsman, who turned round as she spoke — ' Here it is, Sir ; it is only made of the odib and ends, but may hope your honour would like it, though it has mutton and beef and all that in it.' — * Charming ! my good woman, it needs no apology ; I never tasted a more delicious morsel in my life !' continued the Cantab, as he swallowed or rather de- voured mouthful after mouthful. ■ But there is fish in it, too/ said he, as he greedily sucked what lie supposed to be a bone. * Fish,' exclaimed the old dame, looking intently on what the sportsman had got in his hand : ■ fish, nae, Sir, — why lack a day (cried she) ! if that beant our Billy's comb /' 1266. — A gentleman, who possessed a small estate in Gloucestershire, was allured to town by the promises of a courtier, who kept him in constant attendance for a long while to no purpose ; at last the gentleman, quite tired out, called upon his pretended friend, and told him that he had at last got a place. The courtier shook him very heartily by the hand, and said he was very much rejoiced at the event : ' But pray, Sir,' said he, ' where is your place?' — * In the Gloucester coach,' replied the other. * I se- cured it last night, and so good-bye to you.' 1267. — Ignatius Sancho, in one of his letters, tells his correspondent, that Sam. Foote was dead. ' A leg, which had been cut off,' says he, ' was bu- ried some years since, and now the whole Foote follows.' JOE MILLER. 413 1268. — A sailor, who had been fighting and mak- ing a riot, was taken, first to a watch-house, then before a justice, who, after severely reprimanding him, ordered him to find bail. ' I have no bail,' said Jack. ' Then I'll commit you/ said the justice. ' You will !' said the sailor, ■ then the Lord send you the rope that stops the wind when the ship's at an- chor.' — ■ What do you mean by that V said the jus- tice, • I insist on an explanation of that phrase.' — * Why,' said Jack, ' it's the hanging rope at the yard-arm.' 1269. — A violent Welsh squire having taken offence at a poor curate, who employed his leisure hours in mending clocks and watches, applied to the bishop of St. Asaph with a formal complaint against him, for impiously carrying on trade contrary to the statute. His lordship having heard the complaint, told the squire, ■ He might depend upon it the strictest justice should be done in the case.' Accordingly the mechanic divine was sent for, and the bishop asked him how he dared to disgrace his diocese by following so low a trade as that of a mender of time- pieces. The other, with all humility, answered, ' To satisfy the wants of a wife and ten children !' — 1 That won't do with me,' rejoined the prelate ; ' I'll inflict such a punishment upon you, as shall make you leave ofFyour pitiful trade, I promise you ;' and immediately calling in his secretary, ordered him to make out a presentation to the astonished curate to a living of at least 150/. per annum. 1270. — General Kirk, who had served many years at Tangier, after his return to England, was pressed by James the Second to become a proselyte to the Romish religion, as the most acceptable means of recommending himself to favour. As soon as the king had done speaking, Kirk expressed great con- cern that it was not in his power to comply with his majesty's desire, because he was really pre-engaged. 41 1 joi: mum The king ranted, and asked him what lie meant ? 4 Why, truly/ answered Kirk, 'when 1 was abroad, I promised the emperor of Morocco, that if evei I changed my religion I would turn Mahometaa ; and 1 never did break my word in my life, and must beg leave to say I never will.' lffl. — Dr. Wall at a public dinner was playing with a cork upon the table. ' What a dirty hand Dr. W. has,' said Mr. E. ' I'll bet you a bottle there is a dirtier in company,' said the doctor, who had overheard. ' Done,' said he ; upon which he pro- duced his other hand, and won the wager. 1272. — Dr. Ratcmfff. being in a tavern one evening, a gentleman entered in great haste, almost speechless : 'Doctor, my wife is at the point of death, make haste, come with me.' — ' Not till I have finished my bottle, however,' replied the doctor. The man, who happened to be a fine athletic fellow, finding the entreaty useless, snatched up the doctor, hoisted him on his back, and carried him out of the tavern : — the moment he set the doctor upon his legs, he re- ceived from him, in a very emphatic manner, the following threat : ' Now, you rascal, I'll cure your wife in spite of you.' It7$. — A tobacconist having set up his chariot, in order to anticipate the jokes that might be passed on the occasion, displayed on it the Latin motto of 'Quid rides !' Two sailors who had often used his shop, seeing him pass by in his carriage, the one asked the meaning of the inscription, when his com panion said it was plain enough, repeating them as two English words, Quid rides. 1271 — IIenky IV. of France leaning out of a win- dow, with the skirts of his coat gaping behind, a stout scullion, perceiving the favourable situation, and mistaking his Sacred Majesty for one of the cooks, advanced on tiptoe, and with a well extended arm, discharged a heavy blow on the royal butto< JOE MlLLl ii. 41 'Zounds!' cried the King, 'what the devil's the matter now?' The poor man thinking himself undone, fell upon his knees, and excused himself by protest- ing he had mistaken his Majesty for Bertrand. — * Well,' replied the King, rubbing briskly the ach- ing part, ' if it had been Bertrand, where was the ne- cessity of striking so cursed hard?' and gave him a Louis d'Or. 1275. — A great crowd being gathered about a poor cobbler, who had just died in the street, a gen- tleman asked a bystander, who happened to be the well known G. A Stevens, the facetious author of the Lecture on Heads, what was to be seen 1 The wit, with more humour than the circumstance allowed, replied ' Oh ! only a cobbler's end.' 1276. — Fletcher, of Saltown, is well known to have possessed a most irritable temper. His footman desiring to be dismissed, ' Why do you leave me V said he. ' Because, to speak the truth, I cannot bear your temper.' — ' To be sure, I am passionate, but my passion is no sooner on than it is of}*.' — ■ Yes,' replied the servant, ' but then it is no sooner off than it is on.' 1277. — King James I. mounting a horse that was unruly, cried, ' The de'el tak my saul, sirrah, an ye be na quiet, I'll send ye to the Five Hundred Kings in the House o' Commons. They'll sune tame ye. 1 l j78. — ' You are a Jew,' said one man to another ; 4 when I bought this pig of you it was to be a guinea, and now you demand five and-twenty shillings, which is more than you asked.' — ■ For that very reason/ replied the other, ' 1 am no Jew, for a Jew always takes less than he asks.' 1279. — Dr. Moncey once going along Oxford Market, observed a poor woman in the family at a butcher's shop, asking the price of a fine piece of beef. The brute answered the woman , * One penny a pound,' thinking, no doubt, it was too good for 416 JOE MILLP.R. her. ■ Weigh that piece of beef,' said the doctor. 1 I en pounds and a half,' said Mr. Butcher. ■ Here, good woman,' cried the doctor, ■ hold up your apron and take that beef home to your family.' — 'God bless your honour !' — ■ Go off, directly — home : no com- pliments ! Here, Mr. Butcher/ says the doctor, ' give me change out of this shilling for that poor woman's beef.' — ' What do you mean, Sir?' replied the but- cher. ■ Mean, Sir ! why to pay for the poor woman's beef what you asked her, a penny a pound. Come, make haste, and give me three halfpence ; I am in a hurry.' — ' Why, Sir, ,' said the butcher. ' No why sirs with me,' says the doctor, ■ give me my change instantly or I will break your head.' The butcher again began to expostulate, and the doctor struck him with all his force with his cane. A number of butchers had by this time gathered round him. The doctor told the story, and they could not refrain from laughing at their brother steel. The butcher vowed he would summon the doctor before the Court of Conscience. The latter gave the man his address, but never got his change, or heard any more of his butcher. 1280.— Louis XIV. was told that Lord Stair was the best bred man in Europe. ■ I shall soon put that to the test,' said the king, and asking Lord Stair to take an airing with him ; as soon as the door of the coach was opened he bade him pass and go in, — the other bowed and obeyed. The king said, ' The world was right in the character it gave of Lord Stair — another person would have troubled me with ceremony.'* 1281. — Shuter being engaged for a few nights, in a principal city, in the north of England, it hap- pened that the stage in which he went down, (and in which there was only an old gentleman and him- self,) was stopped on the other side of Finchley Common by a single highwayman. The old gentle- JOE MILLER. 417 man, in order to save his own money, pretended to be asleep, but Shuter resolved to be even with him. Accordingly, when the highwayman presented his pistol, and commanded Shuter to deliver his money instantly, or he was a dead man : ' Money,' returned he, with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inex- pressibly vacant, ' Lord, Sir, they never trust me with any ; for nuncle here, always pays for me, turnpikes and all, your honour.' Upon which the highwayman gave him a few hearty curses for his stupidity, complimented the old gentleman with a smart slap on the face to awaken him, and robbed him of every shilling he had in his pocket : while Shuter, who did not lose a single farthing, with great satisfaction and merriment pursued his journey. l l J82 — An inhabitant of Montgaillard lately de- ceased, left the following testament : ' It is my will that any one of my relations who shall presume to shed tears at my funeral shall be disinherited ; he, on the other hand, who laughs the most heartily, shall be sole heir. I order that neither the church nor my house shall be hung with black cloth ; but that on the day of my burial, the house and church shall be decorated with flowers and green boughs. Instead of the tolling of bells, I will have drums, fiddles and fifes. All the musicians of Montgaillard and its environs shall attend the funeral. Fifty of them shall open the procession with hunting tunes, waltzes, and minuets.' This singular will created the more surprise, as the deceased had always been denominated by his family, the Misanthrope, on ac- count of his gloomy and reserved character. 1283. — It happened one morning while Dr. Busby was at his desk hearing a class, that a stone came sud- denly through the window, on which he despatched two of the larger boys to bring in the culprit, suppos- ing him to be one of his own pupils, a party of whom n as then in the play-ground. The boys, however, being T 2 *1H JOB MlLi.r.R. little disposed 10 betray their comrade, laid hands on S meagre Frenchman, who happened to be passing by, and brought him in as the offender ; when the Doctor, without listening to a word he had to say, immediately exclaimed, ' Take him up.' This was as promptly obeyed as ordered, and the Frenchman received a sound flogging. Thinking it in vain to shew his resentment to a master, surrounded by Ids scholars, he indignantly retreated ; but at the fust coffee-house he came to, sat down to write his enemy a challenge, which he sent by a porter. No sooner had the Doctor read the letter than he ordered in the messenger, on whose appearance the usual exclama- tion followed, ' Take him up ;' — and the ceremony of flogging was repeated in all its vigour. It was now the porter's turn to be wrathful ; — he returned to his employer full of oaths and execrations, and protest- ing that he should make him full amends for the treat- ment he had exposed him to ; but the only redress he could get from the Frenchman was a shrug of the shoulders, with, ' Ah, sure he be de vipping man ;— he vip me — vip you — and vip all de world.' 1284. — At the top of Sir Thomas More's house, it should seem that there was a platform. Sir Thomas was one day recreating himself on it, when a mad- man broke loose from his confinement, made his way to More's house (who was then Lord Chancellor), and rushing up stairs, insisted on the Chancellor's leaping down! 'Pooh, 1 said Sir Thomas (with his usual preservation of temper and presence of mind), 4 any body can leap down : but to leap up, from the ground, that is the main question !' Such a proposal was likely to strike the perverse feelings of a maniac ; and Sir Thomas was gravely liberated by his compa- nion, in order to make the experiment! 1285. — During his Chancellorship, More and his wife sat in different pews at church ; and, on the con- clusion of service, and the retirement of the Chan- JOH MILLER. 419 cellov, a man servant used to go and open Lady More's pew, and say, ■ My Lord is gone.' On the dismissal of More from the seals, his suite was necessarily dis- missed also : and the first Sunday after he had re- signed them, Sir Thomas himself came and opened the pew-door, and gravely bowing to his wife, ex- claimed ' Mi/ Lord is gone !' Nothing ever soured the temper, or daunted the courage and good spirits of that invulnerable man. 1286. — Triboulet, a court-fool in the time of Francis I. said that, if Charles V. were simple enough to enter France and trust himself in the power of an enemy whom he had used so ill, he would give his fools cap to him. — ' And suppose,' said the King, ' I give him as free a passage, as if he were traversing his own kingdom V — ' Sire,' answered Triboulet, ' in that case I shall take back ray cap, and make you a present of it/ 1^137. — A duel, between M de Langerie and M. de Montande, both remarkable for their ugliness, had a very comic catastrophe. Arrived at the place of battle, M. de Langerie stares his adversary in the face, and says, ' 1 have just reflected ; I can't fight with you.' With this he returns his sword to its scabbard. ■ How, Sir, what does this mean V — 'It means that I shall not fight.' — ' What ! You insult me, and refuse to give me satisfaction V — ' If I have insulted you, I ask a thousand pardons, but I have an insurmountable reason for not fighting with you.' — ' But, Sir, may one know it V — ' It will offend you.' — ' No, Sir.' — ' You assure me ?' — ' Yes, I assure you.' — 4 Well, Sir, this it is ; if we fight, according to all appearances I shall kill you, and then I shall remain the ugliest fellow in the kingdom ' His adversary could not help laugh- ing, and they returned to the city good friends. 1288. — Jealousy has sometimes converted even women into duellists, and that at no very distant pe- riod. It is not more than five and forty years ago that 420 JOE MILLER. an actress, who still lives, called out another to the wood of Boulogne. The subject was a faithless lover, who had been seduced by a second passion from his first love. Both parties were exact to the appoint- ment, and the deserted fair one drew first, but, at the sight of the sword the usurper lost all courage, quietly suffered her ears to be boxed, and returned to Paris crying. 128 . — Father Jacson, a Jesuit, was a missionary at the isle Ouessant. After having particularly in- structed the chief of these islanders, he was made priest and rector of the island. lie went every year to Brest, in November or December, to make his pur- chases, and above all to buy an almanac, his precious and only guide to the day of the month on which the moveable feasts fell. One year, the weather was so bad, that it was impossible for him to embark before the end of March, yet still they were enjoying flesh days in the island by the example of their rector, while all the rest of Christendom was fasting or sup- posed to be fasting. At last our pastor goes to Brest, where he learns that it is Passion week, and having provided himself with every thing, he returns home. On the Sunday following he gets up into his pulpit, and announces to his flock the involuntary error that he has committed ; 'But,' he adds, ' the evil is not much, and we'll soon catch the rest of the faithful. That all may be in rule, the three flesh days, shall be to-day, to-morrow, and Tuesday ; the day follow- ing shall be Ash-Wednesday ; the rest of the week we'll fast ; and on Sunday we'll sing Hallelujah.' 1290.— The death of M. Perrier, of the Royal Academy of Sciences occasioned a strange mistake. The Secretary of the Royal Society of Sciences hap- pens to be also named Perrier. At a meeting of the latter body, the Chevalier M — entered with a counte- nance woe-begone, took his place among his brethren, then solemnly stood, drew forth a MS. from his JOF. MILLER. 421 pocket, and with a voice of the deepest sorrow, began a funeral oration ■ on his deceased friend.' What was his surprise, when ' the deceased friend' stood up from the president's chair, which he filled, (the pane- gyrist was so blinded with tears, as not to observe him sooner,) declined the honour about to be con- ferred on him, thanked his friend, in the warmest terms, and proposed, amidst roars of laughter, to ad- journ the reading of the oration sine die. 1291. — Lamotte of Orleans, Bishop of Amiens, was remarkable for the austerity of his practice, and the indulgence of his doctrine. Severe in his prin- ciples, he was courteous in his manners, and even jocose in his conversation. It is related of him that a lady of his diocese having entreated his permission to wear a little rouge, only a veru little, he told her that he would certainly, at her request, temporise a little between vanity and devotion, and therefore granted her his free permission to wear rouge on one cheek. 1*9$. — A certain well-known Bacchanalian of- ficer, having been severely wounded in an engage- ment during the late war in the Peninsula, was admonished by the surgeon to relinquish his usual habits of indulgence, and confine himself to one or at most two glasses of wine daily ; for if he allowed himself to exceed that quantity it would to a certainty be attended by the most fatal consequences. The reply was, ' Very well, doctor, you know best.' At length, the wounds healed, and the doctor still insisted on a rigorous observance of his former in- structions towards a perfect cure. The officer, how- ever, replied, that finding his wounds were healed, he would not only indulge himself with an extra glass of wine, but would request the doctor to partake of a few glasses of some that he could recommend. The servant was forthwith ordered to bring a couple if glasses of wine, one for the doctor, and one for his 4?? JOE MILLKR, ler. He speedily returned, bearing a salvor on which rested two glasses, each containing fully a quart and a half of wine. ' These/ said the officer, ■ are my glasses, doctor ; and on the honour of a soldier, I have drank no more than two of them daily, during the whole progress of my cure.' 1293. — A clergyman, on leaving church complimented by one of his friends on the discourse he had been delivering. ' South himself,' exclaimed the delighted auditor, ' never preached a better.' — * You are right,' replied the honest divine, — ' it was the very best he ever did preach.' 1294. — A n old divine, cautioning the clergy against engaging in virulent controversy, uses the following happy simile : — ' If we will be contending, let us con tend like the olive and the vine, who shall produce best and most fruit ; not like the aspin and the elm, which shall make most noise in a wind.* 129.5. — A late wit, at the time when the revolu- tionary names of the months (Thermidor, Flor6al, Nivose, &c.) were adopted in France, proposed to extend the innovation to our own language, some- what on the following model : — Freezy, Sneezy, Breezy, Wheezy ; Showery, Lowery, Flowery, Bowery ; Snowy, Flowy, Blowy, Glowy. 1296. — A slave of Amrou Leits, the second prince of the dynasty of the Saffarides, who reigned over Khorasan and Persia, ran away. Being brought back, the Grand Vizir, who had some pique against the man, earnestly counselled the King to put him to death for an example to others. On this the slave pros- trated himself before Amrou, and said: * It is not for a slave to dispute the judgment of his lord and master ; but, as I have been brought up and sup- ported in your palace, I owe you some return of gra- titude. 1 am therefore desirous that you should not have to answer at the day of judgment for the shed- ding of innocent blood. If 1 must die, let me die JOF MIL! 423 under some pretext of justice. Just allow me to murder the Vizir, and then you can avenge his death by mine without any violation of equity. Thus shall your soul be saved.' The sultan smiled, and asked the Vizir his opinion of the proposal. The latter re- plied, that as his Hi^hness's soul was concerned in the affair, (to say nothing of his own life, and the slave's infallible damnation,) perhaps the safest me- thod for all parties would be to let the fellow go about his business. 1297. — A Turkish youth meeting one day an old man of a hundred years, who, leaning on his staff, formed with his curved person almost the figure of a bow, the youth said, 'How much, Shaick, have you paid for that bow, I want to buy just such another.' — ■ Have patience, my son,' rejoined the old man, ■ if you live long enough you will get such a one for nothing.' 1^98. — An Arab of the desert sat at the table of a Caliph, and the latter perceived a hair on the piece of meat which the other was about to devour. ' Arab,' cried the Caliph, ' there is a hair on your meat, you had better remove it.' — ' A table,' replied the Arab, rising to depart, ■ where the master looks so narrowly at the dishes as to espy a single hair, is no place for a child of Ismael.' U99. — A fellow of atrocious ugliness chanced to pick up a looking-glass on his road. But when he looked at himself, he flung it away in a rage, crying, ' Curse you, if you were good for any thing you would not have been thrown away by your owner.' 1300. — Dr. Graham being on his stage at Chelms- ford, in Essex, in order to promote the sale of his medicines, told the country people, that he came there for the good of the public, not for want. Then speaking to his merry Andrew : ■ Andrew,' said he, 1 do we come here for want V — ' No, faith, Sir,' said Andrew, ■ we have enough of that at home.' 424 JOE Mil .LEA, 1301. — In a conversation which Sir Godfrey Knet- ler held with some gentlemen at Oxford, relatiw to the identity of the disinherited son of James 11., some doubts having been expressed, he exclaimed with wrath : ' His father and mother have sat to me about thirty-six times a-piece, and I know every line and bit of their faces. Mine Gott ! I could paint King James now, by memory. I say, the child is so like both, that there is not a feature in his face but what belongs either to father or mother ; this I am sure of, and cannot be mistaken — nay, the nails of his fingers are his mother's, the queen that was. Doctor ! you may be out in your letters, but I cannot be out in my lines.' 1302. — A certain nobleman having built a chapel, had a mind the stair-case leading to it should be or- namented with some scripture history — which he at last determined should be the Children of Israel passing through the Red Sea, and the Egyptians pursuing them. A painter was employed on this oc- casion, and fell to work immediately ; and after he had daubed the wall from top to bottom with red paint, he called to his lordship and told him the work was done. — ' Done !' quoth the peer,—' What's done? where are the Children of Israel V — ■ My lord, they are gone over,' replied the painter. ' But zounds ! where are the Egyptians then V — 'The Egyptians, my lord ? — why they are drowned to be sure.' 1303. — An Intendant of Montpelier, having lost his lady, was solicitous that the chief officers of the city should attend her funeral obsequies. This honour the magistracy thought proper to refuse ; because it was not customary, and might introduce a bad precedent. With a view, however, to conciliate the favour of a person whom it would not be their interest to offend, they politely added — ' If, Sir, it had been your own funeral, we should have attended it with the greatest pleasure V JOE MILLER. 425 1304. — Notice of coffee, from Sir H. Blunt's Travels in 1634. * They, (the Turks) have another drink called cauphe, made of a berry as big as a small bean, dried in a furnace, and beat to powder, of a sooty colour, that they seethe and drink, in taste a little bitterish, but as may be endured: — it is thought to be the old black broth used so much by the Lacedemonians : it drieth ill humours in the sto- mach, comforteth the brain,' &c. 1305. — Some time before the breaking up of the British head-quarters at Cambray, an Irish soldier, a private in the c J3d regiment of foot, was convicted for shooting at, and robbing a French peasant, and was in consequence sentenced to be hanged. On arriving at the place of execution, he addressed the spectators in a stentorian voice, as follows : — 'Bad luck to the Duke of Wellington ! he's no Irishman's friend any how. I have killed many a score of Frenchmen by his orders, and when I just took it in my head to kill one upon my own account, by the powers he has tucked me up for it!' 1306. — An ignorant man, boasting of his library of French books, said that he had several volumes, but he was surprised that all the French productions were the works of one Tom. 1307. — The Duke of Clarence jocularly observing to a Captain of the navy, that he heard he read the Bible, wished to know what he had learned from it, The Captain replied, that there was one part of Scrip- ture, at least, which he well remembered, and thought it contained an admirable lesson. — ' What is that]' cried the duke. ' Not to put my trust in princes ! your royal highness.' 1308. — An Irishman lately arriving in London, and passing through Broad Street, observed a glass globe, containing some fine large Gold Fish, he ex- claimed — ■ And sure, this is the first time in ray life that I've seen live red herrings.' IOI Mil 1309*— An Irishman being told that a Friend <*f nis had put his money in the stocks. ' Well,' said lie, ' I never had a farthing in the stocks, but I have had my legs often enough in them.' 1310. — When Prague was besieged by the Swedes, undei Charles X. a very great glutton eat, in the presence of the king, a hog alive. General Koni mark was also a spectator : this veteran officer told the king, the fellow was a sorcerer and that it was by enchantment and deception he appeared to eat what, in fact, he did not. The operator being nettled at the general's incredulity, told the prince, that 4 if he would command his officer to take off his boots and spurs, he would eat him ;' which so terrified General Konigsmark, that he retired with ^reat pre- cipitancy, choosing rather to put up with a little con- fusion, than be convinced, at so dear a price, of the goodness of this fellow's appetite. 1311. — The following severe epigram upon Burke was attributed to the pen of the late Lord Lllenbo- rough ; it was enclosed in a cover, and presented to Burke as he was about to open one of the principal charges against Warren Hastings, in the High Court of Parliament : Oft have we wonderM that on Irish ground, No poisonous reptile has ere yet been found. Reveal'd the secret stands of Nature's work, She sav'd her venom to create a Burke. With an air of blended indignation and contempt he tore it in pieces, and scattered it about the hall. The stanza, however, was impressed on his memory, and subsequently repeated by him to some friends with an air of jocularity. 131^. — ' Mu. Abb a hams,' said Lord Mansfield, 1 this man is your son, and cannot go in the same bail bond.' — ■ He ish not my son, my lord.' — ' Why, Abrahams, here are twenty in court will prove it ' — JOE MILLER. 427 ' 1 will shwear, my lord, he ish not.' — ' Take care, Abrahams, or I will send you to the King's Bench.' — ' Now, my lord, if your lordship pleases, I will tell you the truth.' — ' Well, 1 shall be glad to hear the truth from a Jew,' replied Lord Mansfield. • My lord, I wash in Amsterdam two years and three quarters ; when I came home I findish this lad ; now the law obliges me to maintain him ; and con- sequently, my lord, he ish but my son-in-lau.' — * Well, Moses,' rejoined Lord Mansfield, ' this is the best definition of a son-in-law I ever heard.' 1313. — The father of the celebrated Sheridan was one day descanting on the pedigree of his family, re- gretting that they were no longer styled O'Sheridan, as they were formerly. 'Indeed, father,' replied Sheridan, then a boy, ' we have more right to the O than any one else ; for we owe every b 1314. — A>; Irishman who lodged at the Dolphin Inn, Bristol, coming home late one night, when all was in bed, and there being no knocker on the door, he thumped with his hand for some time, and could make nobody hear. At length, on the opposite side of the way, he found a house with a knocker, and began thumping most unmercifully, when the land- lord of the house, putting his head out of the window, exclaimed, ' What the devil do you want here at this time, disturbing one's rest V — ' Arrah, honey.' cried Pat, ■ what the devil did you disturb yourself for ? I was only borrowing your knocker.' 1315. — Two Irish seamen being on board a ship of war that was lying at Spithead, one of them, looking on Haslar Hospital, observed, ' How much that building puts me in mind of my father's stables.' — ' Airah, my honey,' cries the other, 'come with me, and I will shew you what will put you in mind of your father's house.' So saying, he led him to the pig-sty — ' There,' said he, ' does not that put you in mind of your father's parlour V 428 JOE MILLER. 1316. — Frederick I. of Prussia, standing one day at a window in his palace, perceived that one 01 the pages took a pinch of snuff from a box which lay on the table. He did not interrupt him, but turning round immediately afterwards, he asked, ■ Do you like that snuffbox V The page was confounded, and made no reply. The king repeated his question, and the page said, trembling, that he thought it very beautiful. ' In that case,' replied Frederick, ■ take it, for it is too small for us both.' 1317. — It is well known that the celebrated lawyer Dunning (afterwards Lord Ashburton) was a severe cross-examiner, unsparing in his sarcasms and re- flections upon character, when he thought that the truth might be elicited by alarming a witness. He sometimes was harsh and overbearing, when milder behaviour would have done him more credit, and answered his purpose quite as well. Among the numerous rebukes which he received for this habit of severity, the following is related, from his brother barrister, Jack Lee. He mentioned to Lee that he had made a purchase of some manors in Devonshire. 'It would be well,' said Lee, 'if you could bring them to Westminster Hall.' 1318. — The late Lee Lewes shooting on a field, the proprietor attacked him violently : ' I allow no person,' said he, ' to kill game on my manor but my- self, and I'll shoot you, if you come here again.' — * What,' said the other, ■ 1 suppose you mean to make game of me.' 1319. — Soon after Lord Chesterfield came into the privy council, a place of great trust happened to be- come vacant, to which his Majesty (George II.) and the Duke of Dorset recommended two different per- sons. The king espoused the interest of his friend with some heat, and told them he would be obeyed ! but not being able to carry his point, left the coun- cil-chamber in great displeasure. As soon as he JOE MILLER. 429 retired, the matter was warmly debated, but at lengtk carried against the king, because if they once gave him his way, he would expect it again, and it would at length become a precedent. However, in the humour the king then was, a question arose con- cerning who should carry the grant of the office for the royal signature, and the lot fell upon Chester- field. His lordship expected to find his sovereign in a very unfavourable mood, and he was not disap- pointed ; he therefore prudently forebore incensing him by an abrupt request, and instead of bluntly asking him to sign the instrument, very submissively requested to know whose name his majesty would have inserted to fill up the blanks. The king answer- ed in a passion, ' thedtvil's, if you will.' — 'Very well,' replied the earl ; ' but would your majesty have the instrument run in the usual style — Our trusty and veil-beloved cousin and counsellor? 1 The monarch laughed, and signed the paper. 13 L 20. — A cuLMRY carpenter having neglected to make a gibbet (which was ordered by the execu- tioner), on the ground that he had not been paid for the last he had erected, gave so much offence, that the next time the judge came the circuit, he was sent for. * Fellow,' said the judge, in a stern tone, ' how came you to neglect making the gibbet that was or- dered on my account !' — ' I humbly beg your pardon/ said the carpenter, ■ had I known it had been for your lordship, it would have been done immediately.' I3 k 21 . — When the late Lord Paget was ambassador at Constantinople, he, with the rest of the gentlemen who were in a public capacity at the same court, de- termined on one gala day to have each of them a dish dressed after the manner of their respective countries, and Lord Paget, for the honour of England, ordered a piece of roast beef, and a plum pudding. The beef was easily cooked, but the court cooks not knowing how to make a plum pudding, he gave 430 ioi WILIER. them a receipt. So many eggs, so much milk, so much Hour, and a gfcrea quantity of raisins ; to be beaten up together, and boiled for three hours.' When dinner was served up, first came the French ambassador's dish — then that of the Spanish ambas- sador — and next, two fellows bearing a tremendous pin, and bawling ' Room for the English ambai dor's dish.' — 'By Jove,' cried his lordship, ' I forgot the bag, and these stupid scoundrels have boiled it without one, — and in five gallons of water too.* It was a noble mess of plum broth. IStt. — At a violent opposition election for Shrewsbury, in the reign of George I. a half-pay officer, who was a non-resident burgess, was, with some other voters, brought down from London at the expense of Mr. Kynaston, one of the candidates. The old campaigner regularly attended and feasted at the houses which were opened for the electors in Mr. Kynaston's interest, until the last day of the polling, when, to the astonishment of the party, he gave his vote to his opponent. For this strange conduct he was reproached by his quondam com- panions, and asked what could have induced him to act so dishonourable a part, and become an apostate. ' An apostate,' answered the old soldier, ' an apos- tate ! by no means — I made up my mind about whom 1 should vote for before I set out upon this cam- paign, but I remembered the duke's constant advice to us when I served with our army in Flanders, u Always quarter upon the enemy, my lads — always quarter upon the enemy." ' 1323. — Swift, while resident on his living of F.arocar, was daily shaved by the village barber, who at length became a great favourite with him. Razor, while lathering him one morning, said he had agreat favour to request of his reverence ; that his neigh- bours had ndvised him to take the little public house at the corner of the churchyard, which lie had done. JOE MIl.I.ER. 4ill in the hope that, blending the profession of pub' lican with his own, he might gain a better mainte- nance for his family. ' Indeed,' said the dean, ■ and what can I do to promote this happy union V — ' An please you/ replied Razor, ' some of my customers have heard much about your reverence's poetry, so that if you would but condescend to give me a smart little touch in that way, to clap under my sign, it might be the making of me and mine for ever.' — ■ But what do you intend for your sign V says the dean. 1 The Jolly Barber, if it please your reverence, with a razor in one hand, and a/u// pot in the other.' — * Well,' rejoined the dean, ' in that case there can be no great difficulty in supplying you with a suit- able inscription :' so taking up his pen, he instantly scratched the following couplet, which was affixed to the sign, and remained so for many years : ■ Rove not from pole to pole, but step in here, Where nought excels the shaving but the beer.' 1 324. — The arm of Dr. Barrow, like his argument, was powerful, as the following instance of his prowess, humanity, and love of reasoning, as related by his biographer, will shew. Being on a visit to a friend in the country, he rose before daybreak one morning, and went into the yard. He had scarcely left the door, when a large English mastiff, left loose to guard the premises during the night, sprung upon him. Bar- row grappled with the dog, threw him on the ground, and himself upon him. In this position he remained, till one of the servants made his appearance, who in- stantly called off the dog, and extricated the doctor from his perilous situation. 4 Why didn't you stran- gle him, doctor?' asked the man. — 'Because,' an- swered Barrow, ' the brute was only doing his duty : and I thought within myself, as I kept him under me, if we all did the same, how much happier the community would be.' 432 JOE MILLER. 1325. — In the days of Charles II., candidates for holy orders were expected to respond in Latin, to the various interrogatories put to them by the bishop or his examining chaplain. When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow (who was fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the immortal Newton) had taken his bachelor's degree, and disengaged himself from col- legiate leading-strings, he presented himself before the bishop's chaplain, who with the stiff stern visage of the times, said to Barrow — • Quid est fides V (what is faith ?) ' Quodnou vides' (what thou dost not see), answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude. The chaplain, a little vexed at Barrow's laconic answer, — continued — ' Quid est spes? (what is hope 1) * Magna res' (a great thing), replied the young candidate in the same breath. 1 Quid est churitas V (what is charity ?) was the next question. « Magna raritas' (a great rarity), was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending truth and rhyme with a precision that staggered the reve- rend examiner ; who went direct to the bishop and told him, that a young Cantab, of philosophic mien (the faces of reading men in those days being gene- rally in the likeness of inverted isosceles triangles), had thought proper to give rhyming answers to three several moral questions : and added that he believed his name was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge : 'Barrow, Barrow!' said the bishop, who well knew the literary and moral worth of the young Cantab. * if that's the case, ask him no more questions: for he is much better qualified,' continued his lordship, * to examine us than we him.' Barrow received his letters of orders forthwith. JOF MILLER. 1326. — A gentleman of Maudlin College, whose name was Nott, happening one evening to be out, was returning late from his friend's rooms in rather a merry mood, and, withal, not quite able to preserve his centre of gravity. In his way he attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his name and college. ■ I am Nott of Maudlin/ was the reply, hic- cupping. — * Sir/ said the proctor, in an angry tone, * I did not ask of what college you are not, but of what college you are.' — ' 1 am Nott of Maudlin/ was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, whither having arrived, he de- manded of the porter, ' whether he knew the gen- tleman.' — ' Know him, Sir,' said the porter, * yes, it is Mr. Nott t of this college.' The proctor now per- ceived his error in not understanding the gentleman, and, laughing heartily at the affair, wished him a good night. 1327. — Bishops Sherlock and Hoadly were both freshmen of the same year, at Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were first lectured, was Tully's Offices, and it so happened, one morning, that Hoadly received a compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing. Sherlock, a little vexed at the prefer- ence shewn to his rival (for such they then were), and, thinking to bore Hoadly by the remark, said, when they left the lecture-room, ■ Ben, you made good use of L'Estrange's translation to-day.' — ' Why, no, Tom,' retorted Hoadly, ■ I did not, for I had not got one ; and I forgot to borrow your's, which, I am told, is the only one in the college.' 1328. — On a time, a question arose in the Uni- versity of Cambridge, between the doctors of law and the doctors of medicine, as to which ought to take precedence of the other on public occasions. It was referred to the Chancellor, who facetiously in- U 434 JOE MILLER. quired whether the thief 01 the hangman preceded at an execution, and, being told that the thief usually took the lead on such occasions ; ' Well, then,' I. plied, ' let the doctors in law have the preced and the doctors of medicine be next in rank.' This humorous observation set the point in dispute at loJ9. — Milton, the British Homer, and prince of modern poets, in his latter days, and when he was blind (a thing some men do with their eyes open), married a shrew. The Duke of Buckingham one day in Milton's hearing, called her z rose. — 4 I am no judge of flowers,' observed Milton, ' but it may be so, for I feel the thorns daily.' 13.S0. — One of the wooden mures carved by Grin. Gibbon over a prebend's stail, in the cathedral church of Canterbury happening to become loose, Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether he should make it fast — ' for, perhaps,' said Jessy, 'it may fall on your reverence's head.' — 1 Well ! Jessy, suppose it does,' answered the hu- morous Cantab, suppose it does fall on my head, I don't know that a mitre falling on my head would hurt it.' 1331. — Dr. Cratu&n, late Master of St. John's College, excited the wrath of a waggish student, by indulging him with an imposition, for some irregula- rity of conduct. Sky parlour claimed the honour of being inhabited by this aspirant to philosophical fame, when, watching an opportunity, as the venerable master was sunning himself beside the college walls, he proceed to discharge the contents of a huge stone jar upon his devoted head: unfortunately, the jar followed the water, and was near inflicting on the learned doctor the fate of .Eschines. Enraged at this, Dr. Craven issued a summons, commanding the immediate attendance of the inhabitant of that room (rem whence the pitcher had fallen. Upon his en- trance, the doctor excUimed, ' Young man— young man, you had nearly killed your poor old ina t, IOE MILI ER. 435 rouhad nearly killed me ;' when the unabashed cul- prit, with the most perfect nonchalance, replied, ' I was merely trying some hydrostatical experiments.' — ' Hydrostatical experiments !' exclaimed the en- raged master, thrown entirely off his guard by the cool answer of the Johnian, ■ I'd thank you, young man, when next you pursue your hydrostaticat la- bours, not to use such a large pitcher.' 13354. — Porson was one day conversing in Latin with a certain learned Theban, from the sister uni- versity, when the latter, wishing to convince the pro- fessor that he was better acquainted with the writings of Cicero than any man living, affirmed that he had spent thirteen years ' in perlegendo Cicerone ;' to which the Greek professor, with admirable wit, replied, 1 And Echo answered, eve ' (Oh, ass!) 1333. — A Cantab., who happened to be under Sir Busick Harwood, when professor, was enjoined to live temperately, as a cure for his malady. The doctor called upon him one day, and found him en- joying himself over a bottle of Madeira. — ' Ah, doc- tor !' exclaimed the patient, at the same time reach- ing out his hand to bid him welcome, ' I am glad to see you ; you are just in time to taste the first bot- tle of some prime Madeira J' — ' Ah !' replied Sir Bu- sick, ' these bottles of Madeira will never do — they are the cause of all your sufferings ! — ' Are they so I* cried the patient, * then fill your glass, my dear doctor ; for, since we know the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better.' 1334. — Among the best specimens of alliteration, may be ranked the well known lines on the celebrated Cardinal Wolsey : — ' Begot by butchers, but by bishops bred, How high his honour holds his haughty head \' But the following unpublished sally, by the erudite Dr. Parr, is not a whit inferior. — In a company con- 436 JOB MILLER. sisting principally of divines, the conversation na- turally turned on the merits of the late head of the church, who was thus characterized by the learned and eccentric doctor, in reply to one of the gentle- men : * Sir, he is a poor paltry prelate, proud of petty popularity, and perpetually preaching to petticoats/ 1335.--Cambridge ale, particularly 'Audit,' has been long celebrated for its inspiring qualities. A certain Trinitarian, who, though no barker, is well known among the literati for his classical acumen, on receiving a present of Audit, exclaimed : — 'All hail to the ale! It sheds a halo round my head.' 1336. — During the time that the erudite Dr. Bentley was preparing an edition of Homer, which he had undertaken at the desire of Earl Grenville, he was accustomed not unfrequently to spend his evenings with that distinguished nobleman. These congenials, when drinking deep at the classic fountain, would sometimes keep it up to a late hour. One morning, after one of their mental carousals, the mother of his lord- ship reproached him for keeping the country clergy- man, as she termed the learned Cantab., till he was intoricated. Lord Grenville denied the charge, — on which the lady replied, he could not have sung in so ridiculous a manner, if he had not been in liquor ; but the truth was, that the singing, which appeared so to have annoyed the noble lady, was no other tnan the doc- tor endeavouring to entertain and instruct Lord Gren- ville in the true cantilena or recitative, of the ancients. 1337. — At the sittings of Guildhall, an action of debt was tried, before Lord Mansfield, in which the defendant, a merchant of London, with great warmth, complained of the plaintiffs conduct, to his lord- ship, in having caused him to be arrested, not only in the face of the day, but in the Royal Exchange, and in the face of the whole assembled credit of the metropolis. The chief justice stopped him with JOE MILLER. 437 great composure, saying, — ■ Friend, you forget your- self ; you were the defaulter , in refusing to pay a just debt : and let me give you a piece of advice worth more to you than the debt and costs : be careful not to put it in any man's power to arrest you, either in public or private, for the future.' 1338. — Sir Isaac Newton's favourite little dog, Diamond, having, in his absence, entered his study, he found it, on his return, diverting itself with the remains of some valuable MSS., containing the me- moranda of many years' laborious research, which it had already torn into a thousand pieces ; but so great a command had this genius over his temper, that, gathering up the remnants, he patted the of- fender on the head, saying, — ■ O ! Diamond, Dia- mond, you know not what mischief you have done !" 1339. — 4 The Bishop of London,' says Aubrey, ' having cut down a noble cloud of trees at Fulham, Lord Chancellor Bacon told him, u he was a good expounder of dark places." ' 1340. — Dr. Parr once called a clergyman afoot, who, indeed, was little better. The clergyman said, he would complain of this usage to the bishop. 1 Do,' said the doctor, ' and my lord bishop will con- firm you.' 1341. — Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them complained of, as they were as good as he could make. ' Why,' says Ralph, * they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would not burn any longer.* 1342. — Piovano Arloto, a buffoon, boasted that in all his life he never spoke truth. ■ Except,' re- plied another, • at this present moment.' 1343. — Colonel Guise, going over one campaign to Flanders, observed a young raw officer who was in the same vessel with him, and with his usual hu- 438 JOE MILLER. tnanity told him that he would take care of him and conduct him to Antwerp, where they were both going; which he accordingly did, and then took leave of him. The young fellow was soon told by some arch rogues, whom he happened to fall in with, that he must signalize himself by fighting some man of known courage, or he would soon be despised in the regi- ment. The young man said, he knew no one but Colonel Guise, and he had received great obligations from him. It was all one for that, they said, in these cases ; the colonel was the fittest man in the world, as every body knew his bravery. Soon afterwards, up comes the young officer to Colonel Guise, as he was walking up and down the coffee-room, and began in a hesitating manner to tell him how much obliged he had been to him, and how sensible he was of his obligations. ' Sir,' replied Col. Guise, ' I have done my duty by you and no more.' — 'But, Colonel/ added the young officer, faultering, • I am told that I must fight some gentleman of known courage, and who has killed several persons, and that nobody.' — 1 Oh, Sir,' interrupted the colonel, ■ your friends do me too much honour , but there is a gentleman* (pointing to a fierce looking black fellow that was sitting at one of the tables), ' who has killed half of the regiment.' So up goes the officer to him, and tells him he is well informed of his bravery, and for that reason he must fight him. ' Who, I, Sir?' re- plied the gentleman, ' Why, I am the apothecary !' 1344. — At the end of Queen Mary's bloody reign, n commission was granted to one Dr. Cole, a bigoted papist, to go over to Ireland, and commence a fiery persecution against the Protestants of that kingdom. On coming to Chester, the doctor was waited upon by the mayor, to whom he shewed his commission with great triumph, saying, ' Here is what shall lash the heretics of Ireland.' Mrs. Edmunds, the land- lady of the inn, hearing these words, when the doctor JOB MILLER. 439 went down stairs with the mayor, hastened into the room, opened the box, took out the commission, and put a pack of cards in its place. When the doctor returned, he put his box into the portmanteau with- out suspicion, and the next morning sailed for Dublin. On his arrival, he waited upon the Lord Lieutenant and Privy Council, to whom he made a speech re- lating to his business, and then presented his box to his Lordship ; but on opening it, there appeared a pack of cards with the knave of cluhs uppermost. The doctor was petrified, and assured the company he had a commission, but what was become of it he could not tell. The Lord Lieutenant answered, * Let us nave another commission, we will shuffle the cards the meanwhile/ Before the doctor could get his commission renewed, the Queen died, and thus the persecution was prevented. 1 14$, — Wiifn Mr. Penn, a young gentleman, well known for his eccentricities, walked from Hyde Park Corner to Hammersmith, for a wager of one hundred guineas, with the honourable Butler Danvers, several gentlemen who had witnessed the contest spoke of it to the Duchess of Gordon, and added, it was a pity that a man with so many good qualities as this Penn had, should be incessantly playing these unaccount- able pranks. ' It is so/ said her grace, ' but why don't you advise him better? He seems to be a pen that every body cuts, but nobody mends.' 1316. — David Hume and R. B. Sheridan crossing the water to Holland, when a high gale aris- ing, the philosopher seemed under great apprehen- sion lest he should go to the bottom. ■ Why,' said his friend, ' that will suit your genius to a tittle ; as for my part, I am only for skimming the surface!' 13-47. — Daven'port, a tailor, having set up his carriage, asked Foote for a motto. ' There is one from Hamlet,' said the wit. ' that will match you to a button-hole; List, list! oh list !' JOE MILLER. 1340. — Lord Bacon says, reading makes a full aian, writing an exact man, and conversation a ready man. 1349. — Sir Thomas More being asked by an im- Sertinent author his opinion of a book, Sir Thomas esired him by all means to put it in verse, and bring him it again, which no sooner was done, than Sir Thomas looking upon it, said, ' Yea, now it is some- what like ; now it is rhyme ; before it was neither rhyme nor reason.' Whence the proverb, ■ It is neither rhyme nor reason.' 1350. — Quin sometimes said things at once witty and wise. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I., ' But by what laws,' said his opponent, ' was he put to death !' — ' By all the laws that he had left them.' 1351. — As a lame country schoolmaster was hob- bling one day to his school-room, he was met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, ' and I am mas- ter of this parish.' — ' Master of this parish !' observed the peer, ' how can that be V — ■ 1 am master of the children of the parish,' said the man ; ' the children are masters of their mothers : the mothers are the rulers of the fathers, and consequently 1 am master of the whole parish.' 1352.— 'Pray, Mr. Hopner,' said lady C , 1 how do you limners contrive to overlook the ugliness and yet preserve the likeness V — ' The art, madam,' replied he, * may be conveyed in two words : where nature has been severe we soften ; where she has been kind, we aggravate.' 1353.— Lad v F had arrived to so extreme a degree of sensibility, that seeing a man go by with a mutilated wheelbarrow, she cried out to her com- panion, ' Do turn aside, it distresses me above mea- sure to see that poor unfortunate wheelbarrow with one leg/ JOE MILLER. 441 1354. — A sailor had just returned from the West Indies, and sitting, half seas over, in a tap-room at Wapping, saw a crowd on the opposite side the way ; and, on inquiring the cause, was told it was a Qua- ker's funeral. ' A funeral,' says Jack, ' that's new to me ; when one of our messmates slips his cable, we hoist him overboard in a blanket, but I never saw one packed up in a box and directed before, so I'll reconnoitre him.' Accordingly he followed the crowd to the place of interment. The funeral ce- remony of the Quakers consists in the mourners rang- ing themselves on one side of the grave, and waiting a certain time for the inspiration of the spirit. Hav- ing taken their station, Jack reeled to the other side, and there observed the contortions of their faces in silent surprise. At length, one of them, being moved by the spirit, made a long face, and drawled out, * Alas ! there is no happiness on this side the grave.' On which Jack, whose patience was exhausted, ex- claimed, ' Then, d — n your eyes, come on this side.' 1355. — The late duchess of Kingston, who was remarkable for having a very high sense of her own dignity, being one day detained in her carriage by a cart of coals that was unloading in the street, she leaned with both her arms upon the door, and asked the fellow, ■ How dare you, sirrah, stop a woman of quality in the street?' — ' Woman of quality,' replied the man. ■ Yes, fellow,' rejoined her grace, 'don't you see my arms upon my carriage V — ' Yes, I do, indeed,' says he, ' and a pair of plaguy coarse arms they are.' 1356. — A cockney complaining that he had lost his appetite was advised to eat oysters before dinner, which would be the means of restoring it. The next day he met his friend, and upbraided him with the folly of his prescription, by stating, ' that he had eat one hundred oysters in the morning, and did not find is appetite a bit better.' U2 412 iok MILLER. 1367. — Tfli old Lord Stamford taking a botile with the parson of the parish, was commending his own wine. ' Here, doctor,' said be, ' I can send a couple of ho — ho — ho — hounds to Fra — Fra — France,' (for his lordship had a great impediment in his speech), ' and have a ho — ho — hogshead of wine for 'em. What do you say to that, doctor?' — « Why, my lord,' replies the doctor, ■ I think your lordship has your wine dog-cheap.' 1358. — A young orator having written a speech, which he intended to deliver on a certain occasion, gave it to a friend to read, and desired his opinion of it. The fiiend, after some time, told the author he had read it over three times : the first time it ap- peared very good, the second indifferent, and the third quite insipid. ' That will do,' said the orator, very coolly, ■ for I have only to repeat it once.' 1339. — An Irish gentleman, sojourning at Mitch- ner's Hotel, Margate, felt much annoyed at the smallness of the bottles, considering the high price of wine. One evening taking his glass with a friend in the coffee-room, the pompous owner came in, when the gentleman, after apologizing to Mitchner, told him, he and his friend had laid a wager, which he must decide, by telling him what profession he was bred to. Mitchner, after some hesitation at the question, answered, ■ that he was bred to the law.' — •Then,' said the gentleman, ■ I have lost, for 1 laid that you was bred a packer.' — ' A packer, Sir,' said Mitchner, swelling like a turkey-cock, ' what could induce you, Sir, to think 1 was bred a packer?' — 1 Why, Sir,' said the other, ' 1 judged so from your wine measures*, for I thought no man but a skilful packer could put a quart of wine into a pint bottle !' 1360. — A lady asked an old uncle, who had been an attorney, but left off business, 'what were the requisites for going to law?' To which he replied, 1 Why, niece, it depends upon a number of circum- MILLER. 443 stances : in the first place, you must have a good cause ; 2dly, a good attorney ; 3dly, a good counsel ; 4thly, a good evidence ; :>thly, a good jury ; o a good judge ; and, lastly, good luck..' 1361.— A certain clergyman in the west of ! land being at the point of death, a neighbouring brother, who had some interest with his patron, ap- plied to him for the next presentation ; upon which the former, who soon after recovered, upbraided him with a breach of friendship, and said, he wanted his death. * No, no, doctor,' says the other, ' you quite mistake : it was your living I wanted.' 136J. — A otsiLLMAN in company complaining that he was very subject to catch cold in oil another, not overloaded with sense, told him that might easily be prevented, if he would follow his directions. * I always get,' said he, ' a thin piece of lead out of an India chest, and fit it to my shoe for this purpose.' — 'Then, Sir,' says the former, ' uou are like a rope-da ncers pole, you hate lead at both ends.' 1363. — Pytheas, the daughter of Aristotle, being asked, ' which was the most beautiful colour,' an- swered, ' That of modest i/.' 1364. — Voltaire, when in London, being at f great rout with Lord Chesterfield, a lady in companv, much painted, engrossed his conversation. r ei field tapped him on the shoulder, saying, 'Take care vom are not captivated." — ' My lord,' replied Yoltaire„ ' I scorn to be taken by an English bottom under French colours.' looS. — Lady Carteret, wife of the Lord Lieu- tenant of Ireland, in Swift's time, said to him, ' The air of this country is good.' — ' For God's sake, ma- dam,' says Swift, 'don't say so in England ; if you do, they will certainly tax it.' 13u6.-— King Charles II, was reputed a great connoisseur in naval architecture. Being once at Chatham, to view a ship just finished on the stocks^ 444 JOE Mill ER. he asked the famous Killigrew, ' if he did not think he should make an excellent ship-wright T Who pleasantly replied, ' he always thought his Majesty would have done better at any trade than his own.' No favourable compliment, but as true a one, per- haps, as ever was paid. 1367. — A fellow having been adjudged, on a conviction of perjury, to lose his ears; when the executioner came to put the sentence of the law in force, he found that he had been already cropped. The hangman seemed a little surprised. ■ What,' said the criminal, with all the sangfroid imaginable, * am I obliged to furnish you with ears every time you are pleased to crop me V 1368. — Mr. William Burkitt, going one Sunday to church from the lecture-house, met an old Cam- bridge friend, who was coming to give him a call before sermon. After the accustomed salutations, Burkitt told his friend, that as he had intended him the favour of a visit, his parishioners would expect the favour of a sermon. The clergyman excused himself, by saying he had no sermon with him ; but, on looking at Burkitt's pocket, and perceiving a cor- ner of his sermon-book, he drew it gently out, and put it in his own pocket. The gentleman then said with a smile, ■ Mr. Burkitt, I will agree to preach for you.' He did so, and preached Burkitt's sermon. He, however, appeared to great disadvantage after Burkitt, for he had a voice rough and untuneful, whereas Burkitt's was remarkably melodious. • Ah !' said Burkitt to him archly, after sermon, as he was approaching him in the vestry, ' you were but half a rogue : you stole my fiddle, but you could not steal my fiddlestick.' 1369. — A countryman residing between Arbroath and Montrose was in the practice of depositing small sums occasionally in the bank at Arbroath. At last, from some motive which he deemed prudential, he con- JOE MILLER. 445 ceived it might be as well to make his next deposit in the bank at Montrose. He accordingly went there, and handing a certain sum across the counter, inquired if they would keep that for him. ■ O yes/ replied the banker : * What is your name V — 'What's your business wi' my name, Sir ? Just gi'e me a bit o' paper/ said the countryman, with an indignant air. ' We cannot give a receipt till we know your name and place of abode,' replied the banker. ■ O'd, you're ower quisitive fo'k for me ! — Provost of Arbroath never speers my name, nor yet where I bide : he just gi'es me a paper at ance. Sae, Sir, either gi'e me a paper or my siller back again, ony of them you like.' — ■ Would you let us look at one of Provost 's papers V said the banker. ■ O, ay, Sir.' A receipt from the bank in Arbroath was now produced : in consequence of which they were enabled to give a proper voucher for the deposit • Now, Sir, could ye no dune that at first, an' saved yoursel' a' that fasherie V said the countryman, put- ting up his papers without looking at them. 1370. — An English gentleman travelling through the Highlands, came to the inn of Letter Finlay, in the braes of Lochaber. He saw no person near the inn, and knocked at the door. No answer. He knocked repeatedly with as little success ; he then opened the door, and walked in. On looking about, he saw a man lying on a bed, whom he hailed thus : ' Are there any Christians in this house V — * No/ was the reply, ' we are all Camerons.' 1371. — On the morning of Sir Walter Raleigh's death he smoked, as usual, his favourite tobacco ; and when they brought him a cup of excellent sack, being asked how he liked it, Raleigh answered, ' As the fellow that, drinking of St. Giles's bowl, as he *ent to Tyburn, said, " that was good drink if a man might tarry by it." ' The day before, in passing from Westminster-Hall to the Gate-house, his eye had 446 Mil. I. Kit. Caught Sir Hugh Heeston in the throng, and calling on him, requested that he would see him die to-mor- row. Sir Hugh, to secure himself a seat on the scaf- fold, had provided himself with a letter to the sheriff, which was not read at the time, and Sir Walter found his friend thrust by, lamenting that he could not there. ' Farewell,' exclaimed Raleigh, ' 1 know not what shift you will make, but I am sure to havi place.' In going from the prison to the sea/Fold, among others who were pressing hard to see him, one old man, whose head was bald, came very forward, insomuch that Raleigh noticed him, and asked, 'whether he would have aught of him V The old man answered, ' Nothing but to see him, and to pray to God for him.' Raleigh replied, 'I thank thee, good friend, and I am sorry that I have no better thing to return thee for thy good will.' Observing his bald head, he continued, ' but take this night- cap (which was a very rich wrought one that he wore), for thou hast more need of it now than I.' — He as- cended the scaffold with the same cheerfulness he had passed to it ; and observing the lords seated at a distance, some at windows, he requested they would approach him, as he wished what he had to say they should all witness. This request was complied with by several. His speech is well known ; but some copies contain matters not in others. When he finished, he requested Lord Arundel that the king would not suffer any libels to defame him after death — ■ And now I have a long journey to go, and must take my leave.' ' lie embraced all the lords and other friends with such courtly compliments, as if he had met them at some feast,' says a letter writer. Having taken off his gown, he called to the heads- man to shew him the axe, which not being instantly done, he repeated, ' 1 prithee let me see it. Dost thou think that 1 am afraid of it 7 ' He passed the edge lightly over In md smiling, obseived JOE MILLER. 447 *o the sheriff, ' This is a sharp medicine, but a sound cure for all diseases,' and kissing it, laid it down. Another writer has, ■ This is that, that will cure all sorrows.' After this he went to three several corners of the scaffold, and kneeling down, desired all the people to pray for him, and recited a long prayer to himself. When he began to fit himself for the block, he first laid himself down to try how the block fitted him ; after rising up, the executioner kneeled down to ask his forgiveness, which Raleigh with an em- brace did, but entreated him not to strike till he gave a token by lifting up his hand, 'and then, f tar not , hut strike home!' When he laid his head down to receive the stroke, the executioner desired him to lay his face towards the east. ■ It was no great matter which way a man's head stood, so the heart lay right,' said Raleigh ; but these were not his last words. He was once more to speak in this world with the same in- trepidity he had lived in it — for, having lain some minutes on the block in prayer, he gave the signal ; but the executioner, either unmindful, or in fear, failed to strike, and Raleigh, after once or twice put- ting forth his hands, was compelled to ask him, ' Why dost thou not strike! Strike, man !' In two blows he was beheaded; but from the first, his body never shrunk from the spot, by any discomposure of his posture, which like his mind, was immoveable. 1372. — Erasmus replied to the Pope, who blamed him for not keeping Lent, ' My mind is Catholic, but my stomach Protestant/ 1373. — Benjamin West, President of the Royal Academy, when at Rome, lodged opposite the Irish college ; where he observed, every day, not only many of the students, but several of the holy father professors, stumble and reel about on their entrance, or exit, at the college gates. He was excited by cu- riosity to inquire of his hostess how such irregula- rities came to be tolerated. ' Ah ! good seignior,' 448 JOi: MILLEft. answered the matron, • those holy men are afflietc-d with the falling sicktiess ; and it is very surprising, seignior, that the Almighty seems to have troubled all the gentlemen of that nation with the same disorder.' 1374. — Fontenelle, being praised for the clear- ness of his style on the deepest subjects, said : * If I have any merit, it is that I have always endeavoured to understand myself/ 1375. — A certain cit, who had suddenly risen into wealth by monopolies and contracts, from a very low condition of life, stood up in the pit of the opera with his hat on : the Duchess of Gordon whis- pered to a lady, ■ We must forgive that man : he has so short a time been used to the luxury of a hat, that he does not know when to pull it off.' 1376 — A person disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did not like to be thought a scoundrel. — ■ I wish,' replied Peter, ' that you had as great a dislike to being a scoundrel.' 1377. — A lady in Calcutta asked Colonel Ironsides for a mangoe. As he rolled it along the table, it fell into a plate of kissmists, a kind of grape very com- mon in the East-Indies : upon which Dr. Hunter, a gentleman as eminent for his wit as for skill in his profession, neatly observed, 'How naturally man goes to kiss-miss.' 1378. — There was much sound palpable argument in the speech of a country lad to an idler, who boasted his ancient family : ' So much the worse for you,' said the peasant ; ' as we ploughmen say, the older the seed the worse the crop.' 1379. — A lady, some time ago, took her daughter to a boarding-school in the country, for the purpose of tuition ; when, after the first salutations were over, the matron fixed her eyes upon some worked picture subjects in the parlour, and pointing to one more at- tractive than the rest, asked, ■ What is that?' — 'That,' replied the tutoress, 'is Charlotte at the tomb of JOE MILLEK. 449 Wcrter.' — 'Well, I vow,' rejoined the lady,' it is vastly beautiful. Betsy, my dear, you shall work Charlotte in a tub of water.' 1380. — The Reading Fly, a coach so called, was one day passing along Fleet-street, when a French- man, lately arrived in London, was looking out at the window of a house opposite the Bolt-in-Tun coach-office. Seeing this, and having learned to read, and partly to speak our language, he rushed out in great haste, and running eagerly into the inn-yard, was asked what coach he wanted. * Ah !' said he, — ' no coach ! no coach ! — but I vants to hear the Fly read, that come in this diligence.' 1381. — Ned Shuter, as was often the case, was reeling home one morning to his lodgings extremely dirty, and with a remarkably long beard, when he met Garrick under the Piazza. ' Heavens !' said David, ' Ned, when was you shaved last V — ' Shaved last, Davy ! egad, I can't tell, for my barber has turned gentleman evei since he has had a thousand pounds in the lottery.' — ■ But, Ned, ha! ha!' re- plied David, ' I never depend upon barbers — I shave myself every morning.' — ' I do not doubt it,' re- sumed Ned, ' or that you preserve the remainder of the lather for the next day.' 1382. — A cockney sportsman being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man, standing or leaning, no matter which. The shot passed through the man's hat, but missed the bird. ' Did you fire at me, Sir?' he hastily asked. ■ O, no, Sir/ said the shrewd sportsman, ■ I never hit what I fire at.' 1383. — Some persons broke into the stables be- longing to a troop of horse, which was quartered at Carlisle, and wantonly docked the tail of every horse close to the rump. The captain, relating the cii- cu instance next day to a brother officer, said he was 480 JOE M1LLKR. at a loss what to do with the horses. * 1 fancy you must dispose of them by wholesale, ' was the reply. ' Why by wholesale V — ' Because you'll certainly find ir impossible to re- tail them !' i. — Tom Wbston, of facetious memory, being in a strolling company in Sussex, when the sua even less than moderate, ran up a bill of three shillings with his landlord, who, waiting on the co- median, insisted on his money immediately : ' Make yourself easy, my honest fellow,' said Weston, ' for by the gods, I will pay you this night in some shape or another.' — ' See you do, Master Weston,' retorted the landlord surlily ; ' and, d'ye hear, let it be as much in the shape of three shillings as possible.' 1385 — The celebrated John Wilkes attended a city dinner, not long after his promotion to city ho- nours. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always, \vilh great deliberation, took off his wig, sus- pended it on a pin, and with due solemnity put on a white cotton night-cap. Wilkes, who certainly was a high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy, with un- blushing familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether hedid not think that his night-cap became him ? ' O yes, Sir,' replied Wilkes, ' but it would look much better if it were pulled quite over your fac< 1586. — A physician in Milan kept a house for the reception of lunatics, and by way of cure, used to make his patients stand for a length of time in a pit of water, some up to the knees, some to the girdle, and others as high as the chin, pro >"<• iusui ia?, ac- cording as they were more or less affected. An in- mate of this establishment .who happened '>}' chance, to be 'ietiy weii recovered, was standing- at tne uuc, of the ho;. sing i. gallarj. c-avab't: ride past with -j. i.tisfc on nis list and his spaniels alter mm, JUL MILLER. 451 he must needs ask, ■ What all these preparations meant?' The cavalier answered, ' To kill game-' — 1 What may the game be worth which you kill in tho course of a year?' rejoined the patient. 'About five or ten crowns.' — ' And what may your horse, dogs, and hawks, stand you in!' — 'Four hundred crowns more.' On hearing this, the patient, with great earnestness of manner, bade the cavalier in- stantly begone, as he valued his life and welfare ; 1 for,' said he, ' if our master come and find you here, he will put you into his pit up to the very chin.' 1387. — A gentleman, indisposed, and confined to his bed, sent his servant to see what hour it was by a sun-dial, which was fastened to a post in his garden. The servant was an Irishman, and being at a loss how to find it, thought he was to pluck up the post ; which he accordingly did, and carried it to his master, with the sun-dial, saying, ' Arrah, now look at it yourself : it is indeed all a mystery to me.' 1388. — A gentleman in the West Indies, who had frequently promised his friends to leave off drink- ing, without their discovering any improvement, was one morning called on early by an intimate friend, who met his negro- boy at his door. — ' Well, Sambo,' said he, ■ where is your master V — ■ Massa gone out, sare,' was the reply. ■ And has he left off drinking yet V rejoined the first. ' Oh, yes, sure,' said Sambo, « massa leave off drinking — he leave off two-tree time dis morning.' 1389. — An Irishman having been summoned to the Court of Requests at Guildhall, by an apothe- cary, for medicines, was asked by one of the com- missioners what the plaintiff had from time to time served him with, to which he gave suitable answers. ■ And pray,' said the commissioner, ' what was the last thing he served you with ? J — ' Why, your honour,' replied the honest Hibernian, ' the last thing he served me with, please you, was the summons V 452 JOE MILLER. 1390. — The Turkish ambassador happening to honour the Duke of Newcastle with an unexpected visit, called at his grace's house at a time when he was about to shave. Not willing that so great a Sersonage should be kept a moment waiting, the uke hastily ran into his excellency's presence with his chin covered with lather; upon which the am- bassador remarked to some one near, that it was no wonder the people of England should be so happy, as they were evidently governed by madmen ! 1391. — A lady of high ton complimented the late King of Prussia so extravagantly, that his Prus- sian Majesty was rather distressed at it : she said, ' That he was covered with glory, was the paragon of Europe, and, in short, the greatest monarch and man on earth.' — ' Madam,' replied the king, ■ you are as handsome as an angel, witty, elegant, and agree- able ; in short, you possess all the amiable qualities ; but you paint.' 1392. — The Duke of Grammont was the most adroit and witty courtier of his day. He entered one day the closet of Cardinal Mazarine without being announced. His eminence was amusing himself, by jumping against the wall. To surprise a Prime Minister in so boyish an occupation was dangerous ; a less skilful courtier might have stammered excuses, and retired. The duke entered briskly, and cried, * I'll bet you one hundred crowns, that I jump higher than your eminence ;' and the duke and cardinal began to jump for their lives. Grammont took care to jump a few inches lower than the cardinal, and was, six months afterwards, Marshal of France. 1393. — A Jew came to the Court of King's Bench to justify bail for 1800/. ; when, on the usual ques- tions being asked him, if he was worth 1800/. and all debts paid, he replied, * My lords, upon my vord, dis is a very great shuin : and, as I am not really vort de half, I vill not justify, my lords, for it ; but Jot MILLER. 453 as de attorney here did give me 20/. bank-note to justify, vat vod your lordships have me do vid de monies V The Earl of Mansfield, who seemed struck with the answer, immediately replied, ' You are an honest Jew, and I would advise you by all means to keep the note!' which Mordecai Israel accordingly did ; and, as his lordship was going out of court, the Israelite, with many bows and scrapes, said, ' I hum- bly thank your lordship, for you are the first who ever called me an honest Jew.' 1394. — A publican blowing the froth from a pot of porter which he was bringing to a customer, the gentleman struck him. Boniface eagerly asked why he struck him ? ' Why/ replied the gentleman, * I only returned blow for blow.' 1395. — Some school- boys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to her, ■ Good morn- ing, mother of asses !' — 'Good morning, my child/ was the reply. 1396.— Dr. South, when he resided at Caversham, in Oxfordshire, was called out of bed on a cold win- ter's morning by his clerk, to marry a couple who were then waiting for him. The doctor hurried up, and went shivering to church ; but, seeing only an old man of seventy, with a woman about the same age, and his clerk, he asked the latter, in a pet, where the bridegroom and bride were, and what that man and woman wanted. The old man replied, that they came there to be married. The doctor looked sternly at him, and exclaimed, ' Married !' — ' Yes, married!' said the old man, hastily ; 'better marry than do worse.' — ' Go, get you gone, you silly old fools !' said the doctor, ' get home, and do your worst.' And then hobbled out of church in a great passion with his clerk, for calling him out of bed on such a ridiculous errand. 1397. — A frolicsome youth, who had been riding out, on approaching Merton College, which he had 454 jor. M1LLBE. ts* ver before visited, alighted, and, sans ceremonie, put his horse into a field thereto belonging. Word was immediately sent to him that he had no right to put his horse there, as he did not belong himself to the college. The youth, however, took no notice of his warning, and the master of that college sent his man to him, bidding him say, if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his tail, ' Say you so?' said the wag : ' go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse's tail, I will cut off his ears.' The servant re- turning, told his master what he said. Whereupon the master went himself, and in a great passion, said, 1 How now, Sir, what mean you by that menace you sent me V — ' Sir,' said the other, ' 1 threatened you not, for I only said, if you cut off my horse's tail, I would cut off his ears.' 1398. — On the day for renewing the licenses of the publicans in the West Riding of Yorkshire, one of the magistrates said to an old woman who kept a little alehouse, that he trusted she did not put any perni- cious ingredients into the liquor ; to which she re- plied, ' There is naught pernicious put into our barrels but the exciseman's stick !' 1399. — Some soldiers at Chelsea were bragging of the privations they had often undergone ; when one of them said, he hud slept for weeks on rough boards, with a wooden pillow ; the other observed, that was a comfort compared to what he had endured, having I night after night, in Italy, on marble. An Irish fisherman, who was in company, observed, it was all bother and nonsense, for he had often slept on a bed of oysters. 1 100.— A MM feilow, who got a livelihood by fiddling at fairs and about the country, was one day nurt by an acquaintance that had not seen him a trreat while, who accosted him thus: ' Bless me! what, are you alive V — ' Why not V answered the fiddler ; * did you send anv body to kill ine V — ' No,' replies JOR MILLFR 455 the other, * but 1 was told you was dead.' — ' Aye, so it was reported, it seems,' says the fiddler, ' but I knew it was a lie as soon as 1 heard it.' 1401. — Mr. M , the artist, was reading the paper the other day, while his boy, who has the daily task of preparing his palette for him, was rubbing in the various tints ; when the boy suddenly stopped, and with an anxious look said, ■ Piay, Sir, I have heard so much about it, will you have the goodness to tell me what is the Colour S Morbus V 1402.— -It is related of the great Dr. Clarke, that when in one of his leisure hours he was unbending himself with a few friends in the most playful and frolicksome manner, he observed Beau Nash ap- proaching ; upon which he suddenly stopped ; — * My boys (said he), let us be grave : here comes fool.' 1403. — A gentleman, stopping one evening at an inn in the north of England, said to the maid-servant who waited on him, and who seemed nearly exhausted with the fatiguing duties of her situation, ' I have no doubt, Sally, but you enjoy your bed when you get into it.' — ' Indeed, no, Sir.' she replied ; * for as soon as I lie down at night, I am fast asleep, and as soon as I awake in the morning, I am obliged to get up : so that I have no enjoyment in my bed at all.' 1404. — A worthy churchwarden of Canterbury, lately excused himself by note from a dinner party by alleging that he was 4 engaged in taking the senses of his parish.' 1 105. — Daft Willie Law, was the descendant of an ancient family, nearly related to the famous John Law, of Lauriston, the celebrated financier of France. Willie on that account was often spoken to, and taken notice of by gentlemen of distinction. Posting one day through Kirkaldy, with more than ordinary speed, ne was met by the late Mr. Oswald, of Dunnikier, who asked him wheie he was going in such a hurrv- 456 JOE MILLER. 'Going/ says Willie, with apparent surprise, ■ I'm gaen to my cousin Lord Elgin's burial.' — ' Your cousin Lord Elgin's burial, you fool ! Lord Elgin's not dead,' replied Mr. Oswald. ' Ah.deil ma care,' quoth Willie, ' there's sax doctors out o' Embro' at 'im, and they'll hae him dead afore I win forat.' 1406. — Dr. Johnson once called upon Mr. Gar- rick, in Southampton-street, and was shewn into his study ; but unfortunately the door being left open, he strayed into an adjoining room, which contained all the novels and lighter works, which had been presented as elegant tributes to this admired actor. Johnson read first a bit of one, then another, and threw all down ; so that, before the host arrived, the floor was strewed with splendid octavos. Garrick was exceedingly angry at finding Johnson there ; and said, ■ it was a private cabinet, and no company was admitted there.' — ' But/ says Johnson, ■ I was deter- mined to examine some of your valuables, which I find to consist of three sorts, stuff, tras/i,and nonsense.' 1407. — It does not seem to be generally known that the studious among the ancient Greeks were always accustomed to walk into the fields or gardens with a tablet and stylus suspended by a cord or ribbon from their neck. When any new thought or image came over their mind, their waxen memoran- dum-book and iron pencil were ever ready to register it, and prevent oblivion. Euripides, a man of strong passions but severe manners, was one day looking intently upon one of these tablets, in the public gardens, when a celebrated courtezan, who was passing, inquired what he saw there to fix his atten- tion so? ' Something/ he replied, ' more beautiful than your face.' 1408. — The Chancellor Aguesseau wrote a work on Jurisprudence, in four volumes, in the quarter of an hour his wife each day kept him waiting for his dinner. JOE MILLER. 457 1409. — When Mr. Justice Park was at Harrow- gate, a year or two ago, he had occasion to write to town. Before dating his letter, remembering that Harrowgate is spelt both with and without the w, he called the waiter, and, in his usual hesitating manner, said, ■ Pray, waiter — is there — a — w in Harrow- gate?' — ' Oh, Sir,' said the moral waiter, astounded at such a query from a grave old gentleman : ' Oh, Sir, we never allow any such doings in this house V 1410. — Malherbe, who prided himself on his blunt honesty, was one day shewn by a courtier some poetry, which stated that France moved out of her place to receive her king. * Now this must have happened in my life time/ said Malherbe ; ' but upon my word, Sir, I do not recollect it.' 1411. — In one of the sittings of the national con- vention, Lanjuinais spoke against arbitrary arrests. The deputy Legendre, a butcher by profession, ob- serving him insist upon his argument, cried out in a menacing tone, and with fierce gesticulation — 1 Descend from the tribune, or I will knock you on the head/ Lanjuinais replied with cool irony — 1 Cause me to be decreed an ox, and you shall knock me on the head !' 1412 — I have a very favourable opinion (says an old author) of that young gentleman who is curious in fine mustachios. The time he employs in adjust- ing, dressing, and curling them, is no lost time ; for the more he contemplates his mustachios, the more his mind will cherish, and be animated by, masculine and courageous notions. 1413. — At one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, a year or two ago, Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of ; and the noble hostess observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous than the rage for play among men. ' In short, you think/ said Mr. Rogers, ' that tubs are worse than diamonds. 1 This jcke excited a X 458 JOE MILLER. laugh, and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the fol lowing! mpromptu scrmonet — most appropriately on a card : Thoughtless that ' all that's brightest fades/ Unmindful of that Knave of Spades, The Sexton and his Subs : How foolishly we play our parts ' Our wives on diamonds set their hearts. We set our hearts on clubs ! 1414. — Amasis, a man of humble origin, was the favourite, and afterwards the successor of Apries, king of Egypt. Finding himself somewhat despised by the people on account of his mean extraction, he hit upon this method of curing their folly : he caused a golden basin in which he used to wash his feet, to be converted into the statue of a god, and had it set up in a conspicuous part of the capital. The super- stitious multitude flocked to worship it. Amasis now told them that the object of their veneration had once been nothing but a vile utensil ; ' and,' said he, ' it is the same with me : I was formerly a humble individual — I am now your king. Take care, there- fore, to respect me according to the station I now hold.' 1115. — Captain Morris, whose Bacchanalian songs are well known, was in his advanced age com- pelled to exist on a small income. The Duke of Norfolk, whose table he had for many years gladden- ed, if not graced, was one evening lamenting very pathetically to John Kemble, over the fifth bottle, the precarious state of Charles Morris's income : John did not like at first to tell the Duke plainly what he, an a wealthy man, ought to do ; but when the sixth bottle was produced, Kemble arose ' like a tower,' and broke out, as Jack Bannister tells the story, into a sort of blank-verse ipeech, into the numbers of which he always fell, when nearly drunk. As Ban- JUL MILLLR. nister relates it, the speech was as follows, true, as Kemble ever was, to the very rhythm of Shakspeare : ' And does your grace sincerely thus regret The destitute condition of your friend, With whoin you have passed so many pleasant hours? Your Grace hath spoke of it most moviugly. Is't possible the highest peer o* th' realm, Amidst the prodigalities of fortune, Should see the woes which he would not relieve ? The empty breath and vapour of the world, Of common sentiment, become no man : How should it then be worthy of your Grace? But Heaven, Lord Duke, hath placed you in a sphere, Where the wish to be kind, and being so, Are the same thing. A small annuity From your o'erflowing hoards ; a nook of land, Clipped from the boundless round of your domains, Would ne'er be felt ' a monstrous cantle out / But you would be repaid with usury ; Your gold, my Lord, with prayers of grateful joy ; Your tields would be overflowed with thankful tears, Ripening the harvest of a grateful heart.' It is almost needless to say what every body knows — that the Duke at once granted the prayer of the actor's petition. 1416. — The Rabbins make the giant Gog or M I ;og contemporary with Noah, and convinced by his preaching. So that he was disposed to take the benefit of the ark But here lay the distress ; it by no means suited his dimensions. Therefore, as he could not enter in, he contented himself to ride upon it astride. And though you must suppose that, in that stormy weather, he was more than half boots over, he kept his seat, and dismounted safely, when the ark landed on Mount Ararat. Image now to yourself this illustrious Cavalier mounted on his hackney : and see if it does not bring before you the Church, bestrid by some lumpish minister of state, who turns and winds it at his pleasure. 460 JOh MILL EM. 1417.— The distinctive quality of Hallo's character was disinterestedness. Content with the comforts which his patrimony procured, he always shewed a marked predeliction for pauper practice ; and even when his high reputation had gained him, as it were, in spite of himself, a brilliant list of patients, he dis- played the greatest ingenuity in the invention of pretexts for the refusal of his fees. Not only (as is indeed the common practice) did he refuse to accept them from his friends, his professional brethren, his acquaintance, and his most distant relations ; he even excluded entire classes from the number of those from whom he would submit to receive them. Among these he reckoned artists, 'because,' he said, ' as the son, the brother, and the nephew of artists, he con- sidered them all as his relations ;' and ecclesiastics, 1 for,' said he, ' if they are poor, they owe me nothing ; if they are rich, their surplus belongs to the poor.' In a word, he would scarcely accept of remuneration except from a member of the privileged classes. 1418. — A gallant soldier was once heard to say, that his only measure of courage was this ; ' Upon the first fire, I immediately look upon myself as a dead man ; I then fight out the remainder of the day, as regardless of danger as a dead man should be. All the limbs which 1 carry out of the field 1 regard o much gained, or as so much saved out of the fire.' )-l\9. — A physician attending a lady several tin.es, had received a couple of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but one ; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, as if in search of something, she asked him what he looked for. ■ 1 believe, Madam,' said he, ' J have dropt a guinea.' — ' No, Sir,' replied the lady, * it is I that have dropt it.' 14VO.— The Persian musicians appear to have known the art of moving the passions, and to have JOE MILLER. 461 generally directed their music to the heart. Al Fa- rabi, a philosopher, who died about the middle of the tenth century, on his return from the pilgrimage of Mecca, introduced himself, though a stranger, at the court of Seifeddoula, sultan of Syria. Musicians were accidentally performing, and he joined them. The prince admired him, and wished to hear some- thing of his own. He drew a composition from his pocket, and distributing the parts amongst the band, the first movement threw the prince and his courtiers into violent laughter ; the next melted all into tears ; and the last lulled, even the performers, asleep. 1421. — When Pallas, the celebrated naturalist, offered his collection of minerals to the Russian go- vernment, he demanded, after calculating its value, the sum of 10,000 rubles for it. Catherine herself examined the collection ; and, taking the letter which M. Pallas had addressed to the government, wrote on the margin in reply — ' M. Pallas is a learned mineralogist, but a very bad calculator : we direct that he be paid 20,000 rubles for his collection.' 1422. — The extravagant compliments that are considered ordinary civilities by the natives of Hin- dostan, astonish and puzzle the European stranger. If totally unacquainted with oriental manners, he recoils at their outrageous adulation, and is sure to regard it as the most insulting irony. When the late Marquis of Hastings was visited by one of the Rajahs of the northern provinces, his Lordship inquired after his health. ? Heavens !' exclaimed the Rajah, • how can your Lordship ask such a question : in the presence of so gFeat a man who could be ill V 1423. — Though the accounts left us of the con- dition of authors in antiquity are very obscure, it is quite clear from many passages, and especially from one in Martial, that they sold copies of their works : but that what we call copyright was wholly unknown. The copyists (librarii) were altogether l>.: JOB MILLER. distinct from the booksellers (bibliopoles). The fol- lowing, forming part of the 118th Epigram, is the passage referred to: — ' Whenever I meet you, \.\i- percus, you say to me, «* Allow my slave to call on you for the purpose of getting your volume of Epi- grams, and I will return it when I have read it." Do not give your slave the trouble, is my reply. My lodging is at a great distance, and I occupy the third floor. You will find what you want much nearer. You go often into the district of Argiletum. There and near Caesar's place you will find a shop, the doors of which are covered with the names of poets ; enter and ask for me, giving yourself no concern about Atrectus, the shopkeeper ; and from the first or second shelf a Martial will be handed to you, po- lished and embellished with purple ornaments, for which he will demand of you five denarii — " Eh \" you rejoin, "you are not worth so much." — Lupercus, you are right.' 1424. — The fashion of shaving the beard was first introduced into Greece about the time of Alexander the Great. It was at first, however, regarded as a mark of effeminacy, and was only practised by low persons and fops. The great musician Timotheus wore a very long beard ; and Diogenes one day meet- ing a man with a smoothly shaven chin, inquired of him whether he shaved as a reproach to nature for having made him a man and not a woman ? 1425. — " I asked the little shabby bare-footed boy, our guide, (says an American traveller) whether he worked at awool-manuf;ictory we were passing. ' No,' said he, rather bluntly *I go to school ; my father's a squire.' Thinking 1 did not hear correctly, I re- peated the question, and received the same answer. * And pray what is a 'squire — what does he do?' — ' Oh, he attends sessions, trials, and hears causes.' — 1 A nd what may your father do at other times ?' — ' He aunts Mr. , at the tavern there, in the bar!' " JOE MILLER. 463 1426. — Lord Kellik was like his prototype Fai- staff, not only witty himself, but the cause of wit in other men. Mr. A. Balfour, the Scottish advocate, and a man of considerable humour, accompanied by great formality of manners, happened to be one of a convivial party, when his lordship was at the head of the table. After dinner he was asked to sing, but absolutely refused to comply with the pressing soli- citation of the company. At length Lord Kellie told him that he should not escape ; he must either sing a song, tell a story, or drink a pint bumper. Mr. B. being an abstemious man, chose rather to tell a story than incur the forfeit. ■ One day, (said he in his pompous manner) a thief in the course of his rounds saw the door of a church left invitingly open. He walked in thinking that even there he might lay hold of something useful. Having secured the pulpit cloth, he was retreating, when, lo ! he found the door shut. After some consideration he adopted the only means of escape left, namely to let himself down by the bell rope. The bell of course rung — the people were alarmed, and the thief was taken just as he reached the ground. When they were dragging him away, he looked up, and emphatically addressed the bell, as I now address your lordship, Had it not been, said he, for your long tongue, and your empty heud, I should have made my escape !' 1427. — One day Dean Swift observed a great rab- ble assembled before the deanery door, in Kevin street, and upon inquiring into the cause of it he was told they were waiting to see the eclipse. He immediately sent for the beadle and told him what he should do. Away ran Davy for his bell, and after ringing it some time among the crowd, bawled out — ' O, yes, O yes ! all manner of persons here concerned are desired to take notice, that it is the dean of St. Patrick's goodwill and pleasure, that the eclipse be put off till this time to-morrow ! so God 46*4 j<>E MILLER. save the King and Ins reverence the Dean.' — The mob upon this dispersed ; only some Irish wit more shrewd and cunning than the rest, said with great self-complacency, that ■ They would not lose another afternoon, for that the dean who was a very comical man might take it into his head to put off the eclipse again, and so make fools of them a second time.' 1428. — During the reign of Toryism a celebrated Tobacconist, residing not one hundred miles from St. James's Street, called upon Lord E — in the way of business. The conversation taking a political turn, the knight of pigtail and short-cut ventured to make some cutting remarks on the impolitic measures of the government in the exaction of taxes; the minister at length getting into a rage which he had not suf- ficient strength of mind to dissemble, rose from his seat and ringing the bell, observed, • you are a pretty fellow truly to talk to me in this manner about politics; go home, Sir, and grind your snuff.' To this tory retort this small pounder of a cabinet minister, the worthy tobacconist, coolly yet sarcastically replied — * Grind my snuff! — 'Tis better to grind snuff than grind the ^.ople. — The people are at length getting up to snuff.' 1429. — Poor Washee was so pestered with a Ro- man Catholic missionary that he consented to turn Christian. He was duly baptized, and the priest changed his heathen name of Washee to that of the apostolic John. One of the duties imposed on him was to eat no meat but fish on Friday; which he very much objected to, and only promised to observe through fear of eternal punishment. The following Friday however the priest called on the negro, and found him busily employed upon a fine rump steak. The hor- rified catholic was commencing a long sermon, when master blackee exclaimed, — ' Dis no meat, massa, dis fine fish.' — 'How — how.' — 'I'll tell you — you baptize poor Washee — you sprinkle water in his face, and say vour name no more Washee — you called JOE MILLER. 4fi5 Senco ford John. — Well, massa, me baptize beef-take — ine sprinkle water on it — me say, your name no more meat, you called henceford fish.' 14^0. — Michael Angelo, the great sculptor and poet, (for some of his sonnets and other pieces are extremely grand and beautiful) early evinced a strong inclination for the art. His progress was so asto- nishing that at the age of fourteen he is said to have rivalled, and even been able to correct the drawings of his master Domenico Ghirlaudajo. When he was an old man one of these drawings being shewn to him, he modestly said, 'In my youth I was a bet- ter artist than I am now.' — His quickness of eye was wonderful, he used to say that a sculptor should carry his compass in his eye ; the hands, indeed, said he, do the work, but the eye judges. Of his power of eye he was so certain that having once ordered a block of marble to be brought to him he told the stone-cut- ter to cut away some particular parts of the marble, and to polish others. Very soon an exquisite figure starts out from the block. The stone-cutter looking amazed. — ' My friend,' says Michael, ■ what do you think of it now V — * I hardly know what to think of it,' answered the astonished mechanic, ■ it is a very fine figure, to be sure. I have infinite obligations to you* Sir, for thus making me discover in myself a talent which I never knew I possessed.' — Angelo, full of great and sublime ideas of his art, lived very much alone, and never suffered a day to pass without hand- ling his chisel, or his pencil. When some person reproached him, with living so melancholy and soli- tary a life, he said, ' Art is a jealous mistress, she re- quires possession of the whole heart.' 1431. — As the Commandeur de Sillery, who was ambassador from France to the Pope, was one day walking with the Venetian ambassador, in the Square before the beautiful church of the Giesii at Rome, — (where it appears there is always air, even in the X 8 46*7 JOE M1LLBB hottest day of summer) he said to him— 4 What an odd thing it is that there should always be somel of a breeze here, can your excellency account for it V — ' Perfectly well/ replied the Venetian, 'upon a tra- dition that has long been current in this city. The devil and the wind were one day walking together in the streets of Rome, when coming to the Jesuit's College, in this place, the devil said to the wind, " Pray be so good as to stay here a minute or two, I have a word to say to these good fathers within." — The devil, as the story goes, never returned tohis com- panion, who has been waiting ever since for him at the door !' 1432. — A boy having run away from school to go to sea, his friends wrote to him, ' that death would be perpetually staring him in the face ;' to which lie replied, * Well, what of that, every ship is provided with shrouds.' 1433.— A FM-FTiors fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the latter told him he was no * Gentleman.' — * Are ym a Gentleman V asked the droll one. — ■ Yes, Sir,' bounced the fop. 1 Then I am very glad I am not,' replied the other. 14)4. — Thomas Fuller, the historian, so well known for his quaint sayings and bright points, was one day riding with a gentleman named Sparrow- hawk. The name roused his fancy, and he asked him what was the difference between ' a Sparrowhawk and an owl?' — ' Why, Sir,' replied his companion, 4 the owl IB fuller in the head, fuller in the body, and fuller all over.' 1455. — An oi»l Spitalfields weaver a short time ago returned by one of the Dover coaches to town, who very much amused his fellow travellers by his singular inquiries and droll remarks. As the coach was descending Chatham Hill, h" discovered, as he stooped to pick up his gin bottle, that the wheel was locked — in a great fright, he bawled out, * Coachman ! JOB MILLER. 467 stop coachman! vy ve don't go on, the veel don't go round.' 1436. — Some caution is requisite in passing our opinion upon strangers — a caution, howevei, which few of us adopt. At a public levee at the Court of St. James's, a gentleman said to Lord Chesterfield, ' Pray, my Lord, who is that tall awkward woman yonder V — ' That lady, Sir,' replied his Lordship, 'is my sister!' The gentleman reddened with confu- sion, and stammered out, ■ No — no, my Lord— I beg your pardon — I meant that very ugly woman who stands next to the Queen.' — 'That lady, Sir,' answered Lord Chesterfield calmly — ' that lady, Sir, is — mtf wife V 1437. — A lady meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired — ' Well, Mary, where do you live now?' — ' Please, Ma'am, I don't live no where now,' rejoined the girl, ' I'm married !' 1438. — Two bucks, lately sitting over a pint of wine made up for the deficiency of port by the live- liness of their wit. After many jokes had passed, one of them took up a nut, and holding it to his friend, said, ' If this nut could speak, what would it say?' — * Why,' rejoined the other, 'it would say, give me none of your jaw.' 1439. — Nicolini, the dramatic writer, no less en- thusiastic in his politics than in his poetry, was li- Varian to the Grand Duke of Florence. He re- quested his discharge. ' Why so, Nicolini V said Ferdinand. ■ Highness ! my sentiments are adverse to the occupation,' answered he, ■ and I never mount this stair-case but with abhorrence. Let me plainly say it, I detest the service of princes !' The Grand Duke was surprised at language so intemperate ; but, knowing that Nicolini was an irreproachable man, and that nothing was remoter from his cha- racter than ingratitude, he replied, 'Well, Nicolini, if you insist on your discharge, you must have it. I 468 JOE MIILER. have nothing to say, when your conscience and feel- ings will not permit you to retain the office.' With- in four or five days, his younger brother was pro- moted to the rank of captain ; and, going to court on the occasion, the Grand Duke asked him very particularly how the elder did, without the slight- est reference to what had passed, and mentioned him as a very worthy man, and one whose talents did honour to his family and his country. Soon afterwards, a new place was created for the repub- lican, more congenial to him, that of lecturer to the Academy of Painting and Sculpture. In this manner did Ferdinand treat his subjects whose sentiments were adverse to his form of Government. Never has any man approached so near to a command which no one has executed, Love those who curse you. Good nature, patience, forbearance, reconciliation of one family to another, the reverse of what is assumed for a motto by many rulers, were his daily practices. 1440. — The Grand Duke (Ferdiuand of Florence) was much occupied in building, and was often out of doors among the labourers. He was watching them one day, (for masons, of all workmen, want watching the most,) when a bucket-full of rubbish was thrown down, and covered him from head to foot. Something of pain was added to his surprise, and, uttering one exclamation, he hurried toward the palace-door on the side of the garden. The la- bourer heard a voice, and looking down, and seeing a hat on the ground, covered with mortar, he de- scended the ladder from curiosity. Turning his body from it, the first object he beheld was the Grand Duke, standing against the wall under the scaffold- ing, and wiping his shoulder with his handkerchief. The labourer threw himself on his knees, — implored forgiveness, — prayed the Virgin to soften his heart, could never have supposed that his Highness was below. ' It is well it was I,' replied the good man JOE MILLER. 469 in the midst of this, and still wiping his shoulder and his sleeves ; ■ say nothing about it.' For he knew that, if it had happened to a prime minister or a prime menial, the poor creature of a mason would have been dismissed. And, perhaps, he suspected it might happen so ; for some days afterwards he asked, 1 How many were at work V and (when it was told him) * Whether the same number had been there constantly?' Inquisitive man, how he idled and tri- fled ! and at a time when the first princes and opera dancers in the world were at the Congress of Vienna, fixing the fate of nations ! 1141. — At a doctor's shop, a few doors from Westminster Bridge may be seen written up, the following notification : — ' J. R , Surgeon, Apo- thecary, Accoucheur, and Chemist to the King.' 1442. — ' You find me older,' observed Louis XIV. to Peirre Mignard, the painter, as he sketched the likeness of the King. ' Some campaigns only, please your Majesty,' replied the skilful artist. 1443. — Hollar, the celebrated engraver, died, as he had for the greater part of his life lived, in the greatest poverty. Within a few days of his dissolu- tion bailiffs were sent to seize the bed on which he lay, for a small debt which he was unable to discharge. ' Spare me,' said the expiring artist, ■ my bed for a little while — only till I find another in the grave.' 1444. — ■ I was charmed,' says Lord Orford, ' with the answer of a poor man in Bedlam, who was in- sulted by an apprentice, because he would not tell him why he was confined. The unhappy creature at last said, ■ Because God Almighty has deprived me of a blessing which you never had.' 1445. — A certain bishop having recently con- ferred a piece of preferment on an able and amiable divine, resident near London, the gentleman wrote to his son, who is at school at Brighton, announcing the circumstance ; adding, how extremely kind tbe 470 JOE Mil LER. bishop had been in giving him a stall ; to which the youth returned the following answer : * Dear father, I am extremely glad to hear of your preferment — now the bishop has given you another stall, perhaps you will keep another horse.' 1446. — Some one seeing a beggar in his shirt, in winter, as brisk as another muffled up to the ears in furs, asked him how he could endure to go so ? The man of many wants replied, ' Why, Sir, you go with your face bare ; I am all face.' A good reply, for a regular beggar, whether taken in a jocose or a phi. losophical sense. 1417. — ' How do you find yourself, Mrs. Judy V said a St. Bartholomew's surgeon, after taking off the arm of an Irish basket-woman — ■ How do I find myself? why, without my arm — how the devil else should I find myself?' was Mrs. Judy's reply. 1448. — Mr. Justice P , a well-meaning, but particularly prosing Judge, on one of his country circuits, had to try a man for stealing a quantity of copper. In his charge he had frequent occasion to mention the 'copper,' which he uniformly called 1 lead,' adding, ■ I beg your pardon, gentlemen — copper ; but I cant get the lead out of my head !' At this candid confession the whole court shouted with laughter. 1449. — Two Scotch clergymen, who were not so long-headed as they themselves imagined, met one day at the turning of a street, and ran their heads together unawares. The shock was rather stunning to one of them. He pulled off his hat, and laying his hand on his forehead, said, ' Sic a thump! my heed's a' ringing again.' — ' Nae wonder,' said his companion, 'your heed was aye Boss (empty ), that makes it ring ; my heed disna ring a bit.' — ' How could it ring,' said the other, ' seeing it is crachet ? Cracket vessels never ring.' Each described the other to a T. JOB MILLER, 471 1450. — At the Middlesex Sessions, a boy was called as a witness in a case of assault, and before he gave evidence, Mr. Const, the Chairman, asked him if he knew the nature of an oath. The boy said he did. 'Have you learnt your Catechism?' in- quired the Chairman. ■ Yes,' said the boy. ' Does not one of the commandments forbid you to lie V — ■ Yes, Sir,' said the boy. ■ What are the words of that commandment 1* asked the Chairman. ' Thou shalt not commit adultery, Sir,' answered the boy. The answer created a roar of laughter in Court. 1451. — Sir William Curtis lately sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded to the ex- cellence of the knives, adding, ' that articles manu- factured from Cast steel were of a very superior qua- lity, such as razors, forks, &c.' — ■ Aye,' replied the facetious Baronet, ' and soap too — there's no soap like Castile soap.' 1452. — A miller, who attempted to be witty at the expense of a youth of weak intellects, accosted him with, ' John, people say that you are a fool.' To this, John replies, ■ 1 don't know that I am, Sir ; I know some things, Sir, and some things I don't know, Sir.' — ' Well, John, what do you know?' — I I know that millers always have fat hogs, Sir.' — ' And what don't you know V — ' I don't know whose corn they eat, Sir.' 1453. — The late Cecil, of St. John's, Bedford-row, was, as is well known, a shrewd observer of men and manners. One day he met, in the course of his walks, an Italian with a box of plaster medals. They were superior even to Bani's best. Cecil, who was also a man of some taste in the fine arts, ap- preciated them at once, and told the artist that he might soon make a fortune by his casts. The poof fellow could not make bread by them. Cecil was amazed, and asked, if he had exhibited them pro- perly ? ' Ah, Sair,' said the Italian, ' dere is no 472 JOE MILLER. getting on here vitout a monkey and a feedle.' Cecil did not forget this Being some time after, at a Committee of ways and means in behalf of a Humane Institution, the funds of which were declining, one member said, ' We must have a popular preacher to the Chapel of the Institution, or we shall not get on.' Another said, * We must have a new organ, too, or we shall not get on.' — ' True,' said Cecil, ■ as the Italian said, there is no getting on here without a monkey and fiddle.' He then told his story, which, by the way, cuts wider and deeper than he seems to have discerned at the time. 14") 4. — When Dr. Ehienberg (the Prussian tra- vellerj was in Egypt, he said to a peasant, ■ I sup- pose you are quite happy now ; the country looks like a garden, and every village has its minaret.' — 'God is great!' replied the peasant; 'our master gives with one hand and takes with two.' 14.S:). — Frank Hayman was a dull dog. When he buried his wife, a friend asked him why he ex- pended so much money on her funeral? 'Ah, Sir!' replied he, c she would have done as much, or more, for me, with pleasure.' 1456. — A gentleman travelling through France during summer, ordered his servant to wake him at six o'clock in the morning. When at that hour the man entered the bed-room, his master inquired, ' what sort of weather is it V The sleepy servant drew open what, in the dark, appeared to him a window-shutter, and replied, ' Monsieur, il nefait point de tinn ; elil sent le f'romugp — Sir, there is no weather at all ; and it smeils of cheese.' He had opened a waiter's store cupboard. 1457, — DiOGENEf once said to Ari^tippus, * If you could eat cabbages, you would not have to pay your court to the great ,' to which Aristippus replied. ' If you could pay your court to the great, you would not have to eat cabbages.' JOE MILLER. 473 1 458. — ' Before I begin to drink, my business is over for the day.' — ■ My business is over for the day when I begin to drink/ 1459. — A witty poet, no longer living, being one day brought up to Bow-street for some nocturnal squabble, the following dialogue took place between him and the presiding magistrate : ' How do you live, Sir?* — ■ Pretty well, Sir, generally a joint and pud- ding at dinner.' — ■ I mean, Sir, how do you get your bread?' — ' I beg your worship's pardon ; sometimes at the baker's and sometimes at the chandler's shop !' 1 You may be as witty as you please, Sir,' retorted the magistrate, ■ but T mean simply to ask you how you do V — ' Tolerably well, I thank your worship, I hope your worship is well !' 1460. — A prudent poet, about the beginning of the civil, or rather uncivil troubles for men of his kidney in England's rebellious days, was asked as he lay on his death-bed, how he would be buried? ' With my face downward, for in a while this England will be turned upside down, and then I shall be right.' 1461. — In Shakspeare we find a very whimsical portrait of the character of Graziano in the Merchant of Venice, by his friend Bassanio ; such as would have made an excellent motto for the title page of Boswell's Life of Johnson, and ought to have been prefixed to every edition. Nothing could more hap- pily apply to the character of the biographer : — 1 Graziano speaks an infinite deal of nothing, more than any man in all Venice : his reasons are as two grains of wheat hid in two bushels of chaff ! you shall seek all day e'er you find them ; and when you have them they are not worth the search.' The learned and facetious Lord Monboddo was once conversing on this last topic : ■ I have lived,' said his lordship, ! to see my country humbled in arts, and humbled in arms : but I never expected to have seen Scotland humbled to the admiration of Dr. Samuel Johnson.' 474 JOB MILLER. 1462. — It was once inquired, ' Why men sooner gave to poor people, than to poets and scholars.' — 1 It is,' said one, ' because they chink they may sooner come to be poor than either poets or scholars.' 14t>3. — The characters of nations are sometimes observable in their modes of saluting. In some of the southern provinces of China they say, * Yafaa ? — Have you eaten your rice?' their content depending upon a sufficiency of that article. The Dutch, being great eaters, have a morning salutation of, ' Smaakelyk eetenl— May you eat a hearty dinner?' — and another arising out of their early nautical habits, ■ Hae vaart nwe? — How do you sail?' The usual salutation at Cairo is, ' How do you sweat?' a dry hot skin being indicative of ephemeral fever. A proud stiff Spaniard says, ' Come esta ? — How do you stand ?' while the levity of the Frenchman appears, ■ How do you carry yourself?' 1464.— In an old drama on the subject of the Deluge, Noah summons his wife into the ark, and on her refusing to come in, swears at her by John the Baptist. 1465. — In a debate upon some projected improve- ment of the streets of Edinburgh, the Dean of Faculty wittily said that the forwardness of the clergy, and the backwardness of the medical faculty had spoiled the finest street in Europe, alluding to the projec- tion of the colonnade of St. Andrew's church on St. George's street, and the recession of the medical hall. 1466. — At the new Tivoli at Paris, some experi- ments have been made upon a Spaniard for the pur- pose, we presume, of ascertaining what degree of heat it takes to bake a man alive. A person named Mar- tinez, about forty-three years of age, was put in'o • cylindrical oven, which had been heated four bonis by a very powerful fire. Here he remained fourte< n minutes, with a fowl roasting by his side. When j nt JOB miL:.cr. 475 in a^ain, he ate the fowl and drank a bottle of wine. At tne third experiment, he was stretched upon a plank stuck round with lighted candles, but had re- mained only five minutes, when the horrified specta- tors drew him out alive and merry amidst the suffo- cating fumes of the melted tallow. 1467. — Illicit traffic is carried on to a great extent in the department of the Rhine by dogs educated for that purpose. In the district of the Sarreguemines alone, from March 1827 to March in the year 182^, 58,277 dogs crossed the Rhine on this unlawful pur- suit. Of these, 2477 lost their lives in the adventure ; but the remaining .i5.800 got clear off with their spoil, barking a hoarse laugh at the custom house officers. It is supposed that they carried with them 140,000 kilogrammes of contraband goods. 1468. — Louis XVI. was an excellent locksmith : Ferdinand the Beloved is famous for his embroidery of petticoats. The present Emperor of Austria is said to make the best sealing-wax in Europe. He examines, with care, the seal of pvery letter brought him, and is delighted when he can say, as he gene- rally does, ' My own wax is better than that !' It is a pity that the employments of kings are not always as innocent. Ferdinand would have no doubt made an excellent linen-draper's shopman, had he been placed where nature designed him to be fixed ; and the representative of the Caesars would have made an excellent managing clerk in the house of certain wholesale stationers. 1469. — ' Lord Eldon should leave all his property to endow a madhouse,' said Jekyll to Lord R. Sey- mour, in talking of the late discussions respecting the law of the insane. ' A madhouse !' said Lord Robert; 'why so V— 1 His lordship gained his fortune by those who were mad enough to go into Chancery ; it would only be an act of restitution, if he were to leave it to Bedlam.' 476 JOB WILLCR. 1470. — ' Why, you have never opened your mouth this session,' said Sir Thomas Lethbridge to Mr. Gye. ' I beg your pardon, Sir Thomas,' replied Mr. Gye ; * your speeches have made ine open it very frequently. My jaws have ached with yawning.' 1471. — Peter the Great was jealous to fury. He once broke to pieces a fine Venetian glass in one of his frenzies, saying to his wife, ' You see it needed but one blow of my arm to make this glass return to the dust whence it came !' Catherine answered with her natural gentleness and sweetness, ' You have de- stroyed the finest ornament in your palace ; do you think you have made it more splendid V 147 L J. — A circumstance lately happened at Am- herst Island, which shews that nil desperandum is a good rule in the most desperate circumstances. A tiger breaking into a shed, in which a colt and a pony were sheltered, killed the former. The pony then attacked the tiger, and pummelled him so heartily with his heels about the head and ribs, that he knocked out some of the monster's teeth, and all his courage, for he had just strength enough to crawl to a nullah hard by, where he was found by the na- tives shortly afterwards, as he appeared so much bruised that he could hardly move. They accordingly fell upon him, and killed him with bludgeons. Pre- vious to this, five horses had been killed near the spot. 1473. — Bonaparte, on being applied to against the exorbitant contributions levied by General Mas- sena, said, ' If I had two Massenas I would hang the one as an example to the other.' — ' Then hang Ge- neral Secchj, who is as bad as Massena.' — 'I am sorry, gentlemen, that you should have fixed on two men I cannot at this moment dispense with ; but if you can point out any other less exorbitant, I'll have him hanged immediately.' 1474. — Th I two brothers Fosadoni lived at Venice. The Abb6 was a man of great literary knowledge, lOE MILLER. 477 and a distinguished poet. On their father's death they divided between them the patrimonial property. One entered into commercial speculations, and thereby very much increased his funds ; the Abbe\ of a far more generous disposition than his brother, was little calculated to follow his example ; but in- stead of accumulating his wealth, by his benevolence, which was always prone to assist the poor, and miti- gate the general wants of suffering humanity, and by the encouragement he afforded, in particular, to those of his own profession, he was soon reduced to the necessity of calling on his brother for assistance ; whereupon his brother replied, ' Foreseeing the result of all your literary pursuits, I have laid aside eight hundred ducats for your funeral expenses, when it may please God to call you unto his good keeping, that you should not disgrace the family name in being buried by the parish .' to which the Abbe* Fosadoni replied, ' Send me half that sum now while I am living, and at my death I will give you a receipt in full of all demands, for value received.' 1475. — Lord Alvanley is not only a wit among lords, but a lord among wits. He has all the piquancy of Brummel's dialogue, combined with a suavity of manner peculiarly his own. On one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a person 100/. as a bribe, to conceal something which would have involved the reputation of a lady. On that person's application for the money, his Lordship wrote a check for 25/. and presented it to him. ' But, my Lord, you pro- mised me 100/.' — 'True,' said his Lordship, ■ I did so ; but you know, Mr. , that I am now making arrangements with all my creditors at 5s. in the pound. Now you must see, Mr. , that if I were to pay you at a higher rate than I pay them, I should be doing my creditors an injustice !' 1476. — When Lord Alvanley was staying at Lord Cowper's, a box with the Royal Arms on it arrived, 478 IOE MILI.KR. and, when opened, was found to contain four pine- apples, the magnificent gift of the generous Prince Leopold. 4 1 wonder/ said Lady Cowper, * that the Frince should send us pines ; there are plenty of pines here ; besides, though we have seen him, we don't know him.' — ' Oh, depend on it,' said Lord Alvanley, ' he wants to spend a month at Pensan- gar ; he'll be down soon after his pines ■ so, if you want to prevent him, send him up in return four rabbits: they are as rare in town as pines here !' 1477. — The founder of the Sforza family, and father of Francesco, the first Duke of Milan, who died, about 1465, was a peasant, and following his labour, when he was invited by his companions to follow the army. He did not draw lots whether he should go or not, but threw his spade into an oak, declaring, that if it fell to the ground he would continue his labours ; but if it hung in the tree he would try his fortune as a soldier. Some bit of a branch intercepted its fall, and gave a father to a long line of princes, the most splendid sovereigns of Italy. 1478. — When Brummell was the great oracle on coats, the Duke of Leinster was very anxious to l>»^]>eak the approbation of the ' Emperor of the Dandies' for a ' cut,' which he had just patronized. 1 lie Duke, in the courseof hiseulogy on hisSchneider, had frequently occasion to use the words ' my coat.' — ' Your coat, my dear fellow,' said Bruminell : ' what coat 1' — ■ Why this coat.' said Leinster ; * this coat that I have on.' BrummeU, after regarding the tinent with an air of infinite scorn, walked up to the duke, and taking the collar between his finger and thumb, as if fearful of contamination — ' What, duke, do you call that thing a coat? 1479. — During the short time that Lord Byron in parliament, a petition, setting forth the wretched condition of the In t- pedantry, was one JOE MILLER. 479 evening presented, and very coldly received by the 'hereditary legislative wisdom.' — 'Ah,' said Lord Byron, 'what a misfortune it was for the Irish that they were not born black! They would then have had plenty of friends in both houses.' 1480. — It was an excellent reply made to a lady of notorious character, by a virtuous Frenchman, when she tried to seduce him to the commission of a dishonourable act — ' Infamie, Madame, is of the feminine gender.' 1481. — When ' Bob Roy' first appeared, a party was made at Mr. John Wilson's house at Elleray, to read it Mr. Wordsworth was invited, among others, to the party ; and, as a special inducement to go, he was informed that the illustrious author had chosen the motto for his novel from his name sake poem, ' Rob Roy.' The verbose and venerable Laker ac- cordingly went ; and when the volumes were laid on the table, he eagerly turned to the title-page, where he read — ' For why t because the good old rule Sufficeth them — the simple plan That they should take who have the power, And they should keep who can.' 4 Ladies and gentlemen,' quoth the author of the * Excursion,' and other universally-read poems, ' you see this motto : it is from a poem of mine, — the volume containing which I have brought in my pocket; and lest you should not understand the novel for want of knowing thoroughly my poem, I mean to read my verses to you.' He accordingly began — 'A famous man was Robin Hood,' &c. and went on to the conclusion, not even omitting a comma, and then putting the vivacious tome into his pocket again, he said, • Ladies and gentlemen, 1 leave you to your novel,' and walked home ' 480 JOE MILLER. 1482.— General O'Hara, who was taken prisoner by Buonaparte at Toulon, in his first military achieve- ment, and who was a man of sound sense, said of the future Emperor, * I do not know what that young man's future fortunes may be ; but all the questions he put to me, were such as Locke would have written down for a prime pupil to ask.' 1483. — At the close of an election at Lewes, the late Duke of Newcastle was so delighted with the conduct of a casting voter, that he almost fell upon his neck and kissed him. * My dear friend ! I love you dearly. You're the greatest man in the world. I long to serve you. What can 1 do for you?' — * May it please your grace, an exciseman of this town is very old : I would beg leave to succeed him as soon as he shall die.' — ' Aye, that you shall, with all my heart. I wish, for your sake, he were dead and buried now. As soon as he is, set out to me, my dear friend ; be it night or day, insist upon see- ing me, sleeping or waking. If I am not at Clare- mont, come to Lincoln's-inn-fields ; if I am not at Lincoln's-inn-fields, come to court ; if I am not at court, never rest till you find me ; not the sanctum sanctorum, or anyplace, shall be kept sacred from such a dear, worthy, good soul as you are. Nay, I'll give orders for you to be admitted, though the king and I were talking secrets together in the ca- binet.' The voter swallowed every thing with ex- tasy, and, scraping down to the very ground, retired to wait in faith for the death of the exciseman. The latter took his leave of this wicked world in the following winter. As soon as ever the duke's friend was apprised of it, he set ofT* for London, and reached Lincoln's inn-fields by about two o'clock in the morning. The King of Spain had, about this time, been seized by a disorder, which some of the Eng- lish had been induced to believe, from particular ex- presses, he could not possibly survive. Amongst JOE MILLEn 481 these, the noble duke was the most credulous, and probably the most anxious. On the very first mo- ment of receiving his intelligence, he had dispatched couriers to Madrid, who were commanded to return with unusual haste as soon as ever the death of his Catholic majesty should have been announced. Ig- norant of the hour in which they might arrive, and impatient of the fate of every hour, the duke would not retire to his rest till he had given the strictest orders to his attendants to send any person to his chamber who should desire an admittance. When the voter asked if he was at home, he was answered by the porter, 4 Yes ; his grace has been in bed some time, but we were directed to awaken bim as soon as ever you came ' — ■ Ah, God bless him ! I know that the duke always told me I should be welcome by night or by day. Pray, shew me up.' The happy visitor was scarcely conducted to the iloor, when he rushed into the room, and in the transport of his joy he cried out, ' My lord, he is dead !' — 4 That's well, my dear friend ! I'm glad of it, with all my soul. When did he die V — * The morning before last, and please your grace.' — ' What, so lately 1 Why, my worthy, good creature, you must have flown. The lightning itself could not travel half so fast as you. Tell me, you best of men, how shall I reward you V * All I wish for in this world is, that your grace would please to remember your kind promise, and appoint me to succeed him.' — ' You, you blockhead \ — you King of Spain! What family pretensions can you have 1 Let's look at you.' By this time the as- tonished duke threw back the curtains, and recol- lected the face of his electioneering friend ; but it was seen with rage and disappointment. To have robbed him of his rest, might easily have been for- given ; but to have fed him with a groundless sup- position that the King of Spain was dead, became a matter of resentment. He was at first dismissed Y 4u* JOE MILLKR. with all the violence of anger and refusal. At length the victim of his passion became an object of his mirth ; and when he felt the ridicule that marked the incident, he raised the candidate for monarchy into a post, which, from the colour of the present times, may seem at least as honourable — he made him an exciseman. 1484.;^-In the year 1775, Sir Joshua Reynolds painted a portrait of his friend, Dr. Johnson, which represented him as reading, and near-sighted. When the doctor saw it, he reproved Sir Joshua for paint- ing him in that manner and attitude, saying, ' It is not friendly to hand down to posterity the imper- fections of any man.' But, on the contrary, Sir Joshua himself esteemed it as a circumstance in na- ture to be remarked as characterizing the person re- presented, and therefore as giving additional value to the portrait. On this circumstance Mrs. Thrale observed to Johnson, 'That he would not be known by posterity for his defects only, therefore Sir Joshua might do his worst.' And when she adverted to Sir Joshua's own picture, painted with the ear trum- pet, and done in the same year, the doctor replied, * He may paint himself as deaf as he chooses ; but I will not be blinking Sam in the eyes of posterity/^*/ 1485. — At Calcutta, the Indians, from seeing the steamboat stemming wind, tide, and current, have called it Sheitaun Koojioo, the devil's boat. An in- telligent Persian Syyud, wishing to compliment our national ingenuity, thus expressed himself : — ' When arts were in their infancy, it was natural to give the devil credit for any new invention ; but now, so ad- vanced are the English in every kind of improvement, that they are more than a match for the devil himself!' 148o. — A country clergyman, who, on Sunday, is more indebted to his manuscript than his memory, called unceremoniously at a cottage, whilst its pos- sessor, a pious parishioner, was engaged in perusing jot Ml LI Eft. 433 a paragraph of the writings of an inspiied prophet. 1 Weel, J oil n,' familiarly inquired the clerical visitant, ■ what*! this vou are about V — * I am prophesying,' he prompt reply. 'Prophesying!' exclaimed the astounded divine, ' I doubt you are only reading a prophecy.' — ■ Weel,' argued the religious rustic, ' gif reading a preachin' be preachin, is na reading a prophecy prophesying V 1487. — An uninformed Irishman, hearing the sphinx alluded to in company, whispered to a friend, ' Sphinx ! who's he now !' — ' A monster-man.' — ' Oh, a Munster-nuin! I thought he was from Connaught/ replied the Irishman, determined not to seem totally unacquainted with the family. 1488. — Whin Dt Johnson was in the island of Mull, one of the Hebrides, he visited the Laiid of Loch Buy, who, according to the usual custom among the Highlanders, demanded the name of hi* guest; and upon being informed that it was Johnson, in- quired, ■ Which of the Johnston's? of Glencoe or Ardnamurchan V — ' Neither !' replied the doctor, somewhat piqued by the question, and not a little sulky with the fatigue he had encountered during the day's journey. ' Neither r rejoined the Laird, with all the native roughness of a genuine Highlander, ' then i/'»u must be a bastard /' 148'9.^5ome time after Louis XIV. had collated the celebrated Bossuet to the Bishopric of Meaux, he asked the citizens how they liked their new bi>hop. 'Why, your majesty, we like him pretty well.' — ' Pretty well ! why what fault have you to find with him V — ■ To tell your majesty the truth, we should have preferred having a bishop who had finished his education ; for whenever we wait upon him, we are told that he is at his studies^/ 1490. — Previous to a late general election, two candidates for a northern county met in a bill- room. ' Why do you sit still V said a friend to one of them, 484 Joe MILLER. 4 whilst your opponent is tripping it so assiduously with the electors' wives and daughters?' The aspirant for parliamentary fame, replied. ' I have no objection to his dancing for the county, if I am allowed to fit for it.' 1491. — ' I live in Julia's eyes/ said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. ' I don't wonder at it,' replied George ; ' since I observed she had a sty in them when I saw her last.' 1492. — Wiiii st the regiment was in India, a sergeant obtained an ensign's commission in the corps. Thinking that ease of manner was requisite to prove him qualified for his new situation, on join- ing the officers after the first parade which he at- tended, he began to talk very loud, and in such a manner as to provoke some unpleasant remark from an old brevet-major, who had known him long as a Serjeant ; upon which our hero observed, that he did not like such language, and that he was as good a gentleman as the major. ' You should be better, Sir,' said the major, ' for things spoil by keeping, and you were last made.' 1493. — Two gentlemen having wagered upon the number of characteristic specimens of native bril- liancy they should encounter in a rural excursion, one of them thus addressed a stone-breaker on the road : — ' My good fellow, were the devil to come now, which of us two would he carry away V — After a little hesitation, that savoured of unexpected dulness, the man modestly lifting up his eyes from his work, an- swered, * Me, Sir.' Annoyed by the stolidity of this reply, the querist pressed him for a reason : — ' Be- te, your honour, he would be glad of the oppor- tunity to catch myself — he could have you at any time.' 1 I'M. — As Sheridan was on a canvassing visit at Stafford, he met in the streets one of his old voters, a simple but substantial burgess, with whom he had JOB MILLER. 485 formerly had some dealings of a pecuniary nature. This man accosted him as follows: — ' Well, Maister Sheridan, I be main glad to see you. How be ye, eh?' — ' Why, thank you, my friend, very well. I hope you and your family are well,' replied the can- didate. ■ Ay, ay,' answered the elector, ' they are pretty nobbling ; — but they tell me, Maister Sheridan, as how you are trying to get a palumentary reform. Do ye think ye shall get it r — ' Why, yes,' said Sheridan, «I hope so.' — ' And so do I,' replied his constituent, * for then you'll be able to pay off the old election scores, shan't ye ?' 1-195.— When the earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be examined upon ap- plication for a statute of lunacy against him, the chancellor asked him, ' How many legs has a sheep?' — ' Does your lordship mean,' answered lord Brad- ford, ' a live sheep or a dead sheep ?' — ' Is it not the same thing V said the chancellor. ' No, my lord/ said lord Bradford, ' there is much difference ; a live sheep may have four legs ; a dead sheep has only two : the two fore legs are shoulders ; but there are but two legs of mutton.' 1 196. — A person who was famous for arriving just at dinner- time, upon going to a friend's ( where he was a frequent visitor), was asked by the lady of the house if he would do as they did. On his replying he should be happy to have the pleasure, she replied, ' Dine at home th*n.' — He, of course, had received his quietus for some time at least. 1497. — As a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in front of the Mansion- house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said, ' Well Sir William, are you studying astronomy ?' — % No, Sir/ replied the alderman, ' 1 am studying g ist>onomu.' His friend looked astonished, and the baronet replied, ' Do you doubt my voracity ?' — ' No, Sir William.' 48ti JOE MILLER. 1498. — The duke de Mayenne had been sent to Spain to ask the hand of the princess, Anne of Austria. When he took leave of her, he asked her commands for the king. ' Assure him,' said the in- fanta, * that I am quite impatient to see him.' — * Ah, fiadam,' said the gouvernante, the countess de Alta- mira, ' what will the king of France think, when the duke informs him that you are so eager to be married?' — ' Have you not taught me,' returned the infanta sharply, * that I must always speak the truth V 1499 — Upon the recovery of George III. in 1789, the librarian and others connected with Sion college, were at a loss what device or motto to select for the illumination of the building ; when the following happy choice was made by a worthy divine, from the book of Psalms : — 4 Sion heard of it and was glad.' 1600. — After a hot debate, in the course of which Ireton had let fall some very rude expressions re- specting Denzil Hollis, the latter desired that he would walk out with him, and then told him, • that he insisted on his crossing the water immediately to fight him. 1 Ireton replied, ' that his conscience would not suffer him to fight a duel.' Hollis, greatly in- censed, pulled him by the nose, observing, that' since hi conscience prevented him from giving men satis- faction, it ought to keep him from provoking them.' taOi. — Cuiihan had a perfect horror of fleas ; nor was this very extraordinary, since those vermin seemed to shew him peculiar hostility. If they in- fested a house, he said, that ' they always flocked to his bed-chamber, when they heard he was to sleep there !' — At Carlow he was once dreadfully annoyed in this way, and on making his complaint in the morning to the woman of the house ; ' Jiy heavens ! madam,' cried he, ' they were in such numbers, and 1 upon my carcase with so much ferocity, that it they had been unanimous, and all pulled oneway must have dragged rne out of bed entirely.' JOE MILLER. 4ti7 1502. — At one of those large convivial parties which distinguished the table of Major Hobart, when he was secretary in Ireland, amongst the usual loyal toasts, ' The wooden walls of England !' being given, — Sir John Hamilton in his turn gave ■ The wooden walls of Ireland!' The toast being quite new, he was asked for an explanation •, upon which, filling a bumper, he very gravely stood up, and, bowing to the Marquis of Waterford and several country gentlemen, who commanded county regiments, he said, — * My lords and gentlemen, I have the pleasure of giving you the wooden walls of Ireland — the colonels of militia V 1503 — When itwasdebated about sending bishops to America, much was said pro and con. One gentle- man wondered that any body should object to it : * For my part,' said he, ' I wish all our bishops were sent to America.*' 1504 — Sir Thomas More for a long time having only daughters, his wife prayed earnestly that they might have a boy ; at last they had a boy, who, when he grew up, proved but simple. ■ Thou pray'dst so long for a boy,' said Sir Thomas to his wife, ■ that at last thou hast got one who will be a boy as long as he lives.' 1'iOd. — A sailor who had served on board the Romney, with Sir Home Popham, after returning home from India, findingthat wigs were all in fashion, bespoke a red one, which he sported at Portsmouth, to the great surprise of his companions. On being asked the cause of the change of colour in his hair, he said it was occasioned by his bathing in the Bed St a. 1506. — An emperor of China, making a progress, discovered a family, in which the master, with his wives, children, grand-children, daughters-in-law, and servants, all lived in perfect peace and harmony. The emperor, admiring this, inquired of the old man 4Mb* joe mim kr, what means he employed to preserve quiet among such a number of persons. The man, taking out a pencil wrote only these words : — ' Patience,patience, patience.' 1607. — The Count de Grance being wounded in the knee with a musquet ball, the surgeons made many incisions. At last, losing patience, he asked them why they treated him so unmercifully ? ■ We seek for the ball/ said they. ' Why the devil did you not speak before !' said the Count, ' I have it in my pocket.' 1508 — A regiment of horse in King William's time, being quartered in Canterbury, and the arch- bishop being then there, he invited all the officers of the regiment to dinner. One of the cornets being obliged to keep guard that day, and lamenting his misfortune, that he could not have the honour to dine with the archbishop, bethought lilniself of this strata- gem. He knew that one of hi^ brother cornets was gone out of town, and would noi return till evening ; he determined therefore, to wait for him at his lodgings, and frighten him by a false message from the archbi>hop. Accordingly when his comrade ar- rived, he addressed him thus: 'Tom, I believe I shall surprise you.' — ' Why,' says Tom, ' what the devil's the matter?' — 'No great matter,' says his comrade, * only the archbishop has sent for all the officers to hear them their catechism.' — ■ The devil he has,' quoth Tom, 4 then 1 am ruined horse and foot, for as I am a sinner [ can't say three lines.' — 1 Never be troubled about that,' says his comrade, ' I can say mine every word, and if you will mount guard for me to-morrow, I will go in your place.' — 4 With all my heart,' says Tom, ■ and thank you to boot;' so the next day they all, except Tom, dined with the archbishop. His lordship being a very polite man, told the colonel, that he hoped all his officers were there ; for he intended it as a general JOE MILLER. 489 invitation. The colonel told him they were all there, except one gentleman who was obliged to mount guard. The archbishop took no notice of it then, but the next day sent his servant to the absent gentleman, to desire his company by himself. Tom had no sooner received the message, than he ran frightened out of his senses to his comrade to make his com- plaint. ■ Ah, my friend,' says Tom, ■ it is all in vain, I must go at last, the archbishop has sent for me.' — 'Never mind it,' says his comrade, 'you will do •very well ; he did not ask us above one question or two.' Tom being thus prepared went to the arch- bishop's, where he was introduced into a parlour. At length his lordship came in. ■ Sir,' says the arch- bishop, ■ I am sorry I could not have the pleasure of your company yesterday ; may 1 crave your name V — ' Thomas, my lord,' replied the cornet. ■ What countryman V says the archbishop. ■ My godfathers and godmothers,' replied the cornet. ■ I do not mean to catechise you,' says the archbishop, and thus the cheat was discovered. 1509. — A man of the name of Mark Noble, pass- ing by the garrison at Hull, the centinel, as usual, called out, ' Who comes there V — ■ Twenty shillings,' answered Mark. ■ That cannot be,' said the centi- nel. ' Why, a mark and a noble make twenty shil- lings,' says Mark. 1510. — The captain of a West Tndiaman wished to buy a horse. After the purchase was made, the captain said, ■ Well, now the horse is mine, pray tell me candidly, whether he has any faults, and what they are.' — 'What do you mean to do with him V said the other. ■ Why, to take him to sea,' answered the captain. ' Then I will be candid,' replied the dealer ; ■ he may go very well at sea ; but on land he cannot go at all, or I would not have sold him.' 1511. — A sailor being strongly solicited by a catholic priest to change his religion, the honest tar V t 490 joe mili.fr. boldly resisted. The holy father finding that he could not prevail, altered his mode of attack, and offered him money as a reward of his apostacy ; the bribe rather staggered Jack's faith, and he desired to consider of it till next morning. ]n the interim he applied to a brother tar for advice, which was given him in the following style of blunt honesty : ' Don't listen to him, messmate, for if your religion was not better than his own, and all the money he will give you into the bargain, he'll be d — 'd before he would ask you to change.' 1512. — When the celebrated duellist, G. R. Fitzgerald, was in Paris, the English ambassador in- troduced him to the French king ; prior to which in- troduction the ambassador informed his majesty, Mr. Fitzgerald was a gentleman of such amazing prowess, that he had fought thirty duels, and behaved equally brave and honourable in them all. ' Then, I think/ says the king, with a smile, ■ this gentleman's life would make an admirable appendix to your renowned countryman's history of Jack the Giant Killer.' 1513. — A roy who had not returned after the ho- lidays to Winchester school, which the master charged him to do, returned at last loaded with a fine ham, as a bribe to the master, who took the ham, but flogged the lad, and told him, that he might give his compliments to his mother for the ham, but as- sured him it should not save his bacon. 1514. — Dr. Pearce, the dean of Ely, when he was master of the Temple, having to preach there one morning, preferred a walk in the gardens to sit- ting in the church while the prayers were reading, and going to the gardener's lodge, demanded en- trance. An old woman, who was keeping the house in the gardener's absence, told him the gates were always locked in church time, and she could not let him in. * Woman, do you know who I am?' said the doctor, bridling. ' No,' said she, with great in- JOE MILLLR. 491 difference, ■ I don't know, and what's more, 1 don't care.' — ' Woman,' retorted the doctor, in a rage, * open the gates instantly — I am master of the Tem- ple.' — ' The more shame for you,' replied the inflex- ible portress, ■ the more shame for you to be walking here, when you ought to be praying at church.' 1515. — An Irishman telling what he called an excellent story, a gentleman observed, he had met with it in a book published many years ago. ' Con- found these ancients,' said Teague, ' they are always stealing one's good thoughts.' 1516 — Cardinal Mazarine was wont to say there were great bull dogs in England, called Whigs and Tories, that were continually jarring and wor- rying each other ; but let out the bull, (the common enemy,) they directly left off their private feuds and animosities, and attacked him. 1517 — Lewis the Fourteenth, of France, playing at backgamn on, had a doubtful throw ; a dispute arose, and all the courtiers remained silent. The Count de Grammont came in that instant. ' Decide the matter,' said the King to him. ' Sire,' said the Count, ' your Majesty is in the wrong.' — ' How so,' replied the King ; ' can you decide without knowing the question?' — 'Yes,' said the Count, 'because, had the matter been doubtful, all these gentlemen present would have given it for your majesty.' 1518. — Lord Morton, having waited very long in the duke of Northumberland's anti-chamber before he could see his grace, was quite out of patience. The duke at last came to him, and finding him with Dr. Garnet's Dissertation upon Job in his hands, asked him what he thought of it. ' I think,' said lord Morton, ■ it is a very proper book for a prime mi- nister's anti-chamber.' 1519. — A nobleman, who had spent most of his estate, had just sold a manor of an hundred tene- ments, an-d came to court in a rich suit. ■ Am not I jui; MILL. R- a mighty man,' said he, * that bear an bund, . houses on my back.' — ' You had better have paid your debts,' said Cardinal Wolsey, whose father was a butcher. 'True, my lord,' said he, 'my father owed your's three- halfpence for a calve's head, here is two-pence for it.' 1520. — Notwithstanding the perpetual con- tention between Rich andGarrick for the favour of the town, they lived upon very friendly terms. Rich had improved his house at Covent Garden and made it capable of holding more. Garrick went with him to see it, and asked him in the theatrical phrase, how much money it would hold. ' Sir,' says Rich, ' that question I am at present unable to answer, but were you to appear but one night on my stage, I should be able to tell you to the utmost shilling.' 1521. — A very volatile young lord, whose con- quests in the female world were numberless, at last married. ' Now, my lord,' said the countess, * I hope you'll mend.' — ' Madam,' says he, ■ you may depend on it this is my last folly.' 1522. — A mullah preaching one day in a Persian mosque, strongly insisted on the examination which the deceased have to undergo from the angels of death, Nekyr and Monkyr, as soon as they are de- posited in the tomb. ■ Don't believe a word of it,' cried one of the congregation, ' for one of my slaves died a few days since ; I filled his mouth with rice, and on digging him up again to-day, the rice was just as I left it. Now it is morally impossible for a man to give answers even to angels with his mouth full.' 1523. — A Chinese teacher was in the habit of sleeping in the day-time, but would not suffer his pupil to nod for a moment. One day the pupil ac- costed him after his nap, in a complaining tone, and begged to know why he might, not sleep too. ' Boy !' says the tutor, ■ in my sleep, I dream of Cheu-kung, j ok mill: B 493 and have converse with him !' The next morning, the pupil takes pattern by his master. The master giving him a rap, and rousing him, exclaims, ' For shame ! how can you do so V Says the pupil, ' J too have been seeing Cheu-hwg. 9 — ' And what did Cheu- kung say to youV — 4 Cheii-hung,' replies the pupil, ' tells me that yesterday he had no communication whatever with my reverend master.' 1.V24. — Lord Mt'icravf, who once went on a voyage to the North Pole, appears to have been dis- tinguished by a singularity of physical conformation — possessing two distinct voices; the one strong and hoarse, the other shrill and querulous ; of both of which organs he occasionally availed himself. So extraordinary a circumstance, probably, gave rise to a story of his having fallen into a ditch in a dark night, and, calling for aid in his shrill voice, a coun- tryman coming up, was about to have assisted him ; but Lord Mulgrave, addressing him in a hoarse tone, the peasant immediately exclaimed, ' Oh, if there are two of you in the ditch, you may help each other out of it V 152.5. — Mr. Popf, was with Sir Godfrey Kneller one day, when his nephew, a Guinea trader came in : ' Nephew,' said Sir Godfrey, c you have the honour of seeing the two greatest men in the world.' — ' I don't know how great you maybe,' said the Guinea- man, ■ but I don't like your looks, I have often bought a man much better than both of you together, all muscle and bone, for ten guineas.' 1526. — A captain of a merchant vessel, named M'Carthy, had a scuffle with a wood-ranger at Ver- dun ; the latter complained to General Wirion, who commanded the depot, that M'Carthy had ill-treated him, knocking him down every time he attempted to rise. ' Mon ami,' said the general to him, 'when an Englishman knocks you down, never do you get up until he is gone away.' 494 JOli MILLER. I5$7. — The late lord chancellor, in one of his shooting excursions at Wareham, in Dorsetshire, unexpectedly came across a person who was sporting over his land without leave. His lordship inquired if the stranger was aware he was trespassing, or if he knew to whom the estate belonged? ' What's that to you V was the reply. • I suppose you are one of Old Bags' Keepers.' — * No,' replied his lordship, * your supposition is a wrong one, my friend, for I am Old Bags himself.' 1528. — When George IT. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe, some one observed that the general was mad. ' Oh ! he is mad, is he I 1 said the king with great quickness, ■ then I wish he would bite some other of my generals.' 1529. — A bishop, upon his visitation, found a curate of the diocese so ignorant, that he knew not how to say the mass. The bishop enraged, asked him, ' Who was the ass of a bishop that gave you ordination?' — ' Your most illustrious lordship,' re- plied the curate, with a humble reverence. 1530. — In the reign of Queen Anne, Captain Hardy, whose ship was stationed at Lagos bay, re- ceived information of the arrival of the Spanish Gal- leons, under convoy of seventeen men of war, in the harbour of Vigo ; without any warrant for so doing, he immediately set sail, and communicated his intelli- gence to Sir George Rooke, then commanding in the Mediterranean. The admiral instantly steered for Vigo, and took or destroyed the whole Spanish fleet. When the fight was over, Sir George sent for Cap- tain Hardy, and thus addressed him, * You have done, Sir, a very important piece of service to the throne ; you have added to the honours and riches of your country, by your indefatigable diligence ; but don't yor know that you are liable at this instant to be shot, for quitting your station?' — ' lie is unworthy of bearing a commission under her Majesty,' replied JOE MILLER. 495 the ( ; ptain, ■ who holds his life as aight, when the glory and interest of his queen and country require bim to hazard it.' At this heroic answer, he was dispatched home with the first news of the victory, and letters of recommendation to the Queen, who in- stantly knighted him, and afterwards made him a rear-admiral. 1531 —The battle of Sempach, in 1386, between the Swiss and the Austrians, was decided by one he- roic deed. Arnold Struthan de Winkelried, a knight of Underwalden, burst suddenly from the ranks. ■ 1 will open a passage,' he cried, ' into the enemy's line. Provide for my wife and children, dear coun- trymen and confederates ; honour my race !' He threw himself instantly on the enemy's pikes, grasped as many of them as he could reach, buried them in bis bosom, and being tall and large of limb, bore them to the ground as he fell. His companions rushed over his body ; the whole army of confede- rates followed, and their close files penetrated with irresistible force. The enemy struck with amaze- ment, fell one over another in endeavouring to avoid their shock ; and the pressure, heat, and confusion thus produced proved fatal to many knights who died without a wound, stifled by tr»e weight of their armour. 1532. — A late Sicilian traveller gives an anecdote to prove that the bigoted Catholics in that country begin to entertain favourable opinions of the English. A priest hearing a Sicilian woman say, that one of the officers, who happened to pass by, finely dressed, would ■ go to hell for all his lace,' rebuked her, and added, ■ as for the Turks they certainly go to hell, but nobody knows where the English go to /' 1533 — Tm4 fogs of England have been at all times the complaint of foreigners. Gondomar the Spanish ambassador, when some one who was going to Spain waited on him to know if he had any commands, re- plied, ' Only my compliments to the sun, whom 1 496 JOt MILLER. nave not seen since I came to England.' — Carrac- cioli, the Neapolitan minister used to say, that the only ripe fruit he had seen in England were rousted apples. 1334. — Negroes are apt to steal, but are so very credulous, they are easily detected. Captain Young, of Grenada, gave a black butcher, of the name of Caffee, a hog to kill ; when the Captain went to see it, Caffee said, ' Dis very fine hog, massa, but I never see a hog like him in all my life, he have no liver, no lights.' — ' That is very strange, Caffee,' said the Captain, ' let me see the book.' He took a memo- randum book out of his pocket, turned over the leaves, and looked very earnest. — * I see Caffee go to hell bottom — hog have liver and lights.' Caffee shook like an aspen leaf, and said, ' O massa, Caffee no go to hell bottom — hog have liver and lights.' 1535. — The old method of catching larks was to put salt on their tails. — The following is from a pro- vincial paper : — ' Many hundreds of larks, during the late frost, were taken alive in the neighbourhood of Arundel, their tails being frozen to the snow.* 1536. — A negro in the West Indies having car- ried a letter from his master to a neighbouring planter, fell asleep on the floor, while the latter was preparing an answer. When it was finished, he desired that the negro might be awakened ; but this was no easy matter. The negro who attempted to rouse him, exclaimed, ■ You no hear massa call you V — ■ Sleep !' replied the poor fellow, ' sleep hab no massa.' 1537. — A few years ago, a ship came into har- bour, at Chatham, to be paid off. One of the sailors being ashore, prevailed on a young woman of Ro- chester to accept of him as a husband, and previous to returning to his ship, left money with a friend to pay for publishing the banns, and all other inciden- tal matrimonial expenses. The marriage was to take JOE MILLER. 497 place on the fourth Sunday following, and on the preceding Saturday the honest tar asked leave of his Captain to go on shore, which was peremptorily re- fused. Jack remonstrated — ' Captain/ exclaimed he, ' 1 am going to be married to morrow.' The Cap- tain told Jack that the business of the ship in his department was most urgent, and positively forbade him going on shore. Unwilling to disappoint the girl and lose his money, Jack wisely determined to marry her by proxy, and proposed to Will Treadaway, his messmate, to undertake that kind office : ■ And you, Will/ said he, ' stay with her ashore, and when the gangway is cleared from stem to stern, I will come to you.' Will goes on shore, and informing the girl of his friend's situation and proposal, she in- stantly consented, and was actually married to Will as the proxy of Jack ; nor did the minister discovec the mistake till Will wrote his name in the book> Treadaway instead of Salmon. The clerk cried out, * Why, you are not the man asked to church with this woman V To which the honest tar replied, first devoting his eyes and limbs to confirm the fact, * I came here to prevent my messmate being cheated, and I only marry the girl for Jack Salmon, my mess- mate, till he comes on shore.' — Three days afterwards Jack came on shore, when he received his spouse from the hands of his proxy, and lived in as much peace and tranquillity, as if he had originally tied the ma- trimonial knot in propria persona. 15o8. — An Irish labourer bought a pair of shoes, and at the same time asked the shoemaker if he could tell him what would prevent them going down on the sides'? The shoemaker said, the only way to prevent that was to change them every morning. Pat accordingly returned the following morning, called for a pair of shoes, fitted them on, left the pair he bought the day before, and was walking out of the shop without furthe r nonce, when the shoemaker 498 Jot mii.i.i-.k. called to him to know what he was doing, telling him at the same time, that he had forgotten to pay for the shoes he had just bought ■ And is it what am I doing, you ask ? am not I doing what you told me yesterday, changing my shoes every morning.' 1539. — A divine in Kent, seldom in church, but a rigid justice of the peace, having a vagrant brought before him, said surlily, ' I shall teach you law, I warrant you.' — * It would be much more becoming,' answered the fellow, * if you would teach me the gospel.' 1540. — Sir Charles F received a serious fall one day, in stepping into his cabriolet. — 4 Whereabouts were you hurt, Sir Charles?' said Sir Peter L ; ' was it near the vertebrae V — ' No, no/ answered the Baronet, 4 it was near the Monument' ' 1541. — Mention being made in the presence ot Louis XI. of an unlearned person, who had got a fine library of books ; the king said, ' He resembles a hump-backed person, who carries a burden on his back which he cannot see.' 1542. — Diogenes, the cynic, coming once to a very small, inconsiderable town, with very large and magnificent gates, told the inhabitants 'to shut their gates, lest the town should run out.' 1543. — Louis XIV. observing two courtiers riding full speed one after the other ; the foremost with an uncommon big chin, the hindmost with scarce any at all ; the king asked whither they were driving at such speed'? M. deClerambaut replied : ' The hind- most is in pursuit of the foremost, to recover his stolen chin.' 1514. — Dryden's wife complained to him that he was always reading, and took little notice of her : ' I wish,' said she, ' I was a book, and then I shouldenjoy more of your company.' — * Yes, my dear,' replied Dryden, ' I wish you were a book- but an Almanack I mean, for then I should change you every year.' JOS MILI.Ek. 499 1545. — A Ditch ambassador, entertaining the king of Siam with an account of Holland, after which his majesty was very inquisitive, amongst other things told him, that water in his country would sometimes get so hard, that men walked upon it; and that it would bear an elephant with the utmost ease. To which the king replied, 'Hitherto 1 have believed the strange things you have told me, because I looked upon you as a sober, fair man ; but now I am sure MOM lie. 1 1546 — -A i.ono ride had one day sharpened the edge of Dr. Johnson's appetite, during his tour in Scotland, and his friend, Mr. Boswell, pushed for- ward to the next inn (as was his usual custom) to provide for the lion. The hostess and her family were instantly on the alert; and when Dr. Johnson arrived at the inn-door he was congratulated by Boswell with an assurance of a good dinner — 'A fine leg of roast mutton. Doctor, and a pudding.' — 1 Very well, Bozzy, very well,' replied the Doctor, ■ I ho-,e it will soon be ready — I am very hungry.' — Boswell assured him it would. But the dinner not appearing so soon as Johnson anticipated, the cravings of hunger urged him into the kitchen, to ascertain the real state of their promised repast. — Pie presently returned to the parlour, and with a grave countenance informed his friend Boswell that he was very sorry he could not partake of the roast leg of mutton which he had so kindly provided, having made a vow to eat no meat on that day. — 4 Doctor,' exclaimed Boswell, in great surprise, ■ do lay aside your scruples for once. Your vow, T am sure, is of very little consequence, as you seem not to have thought of it until this moment. The mutton is fine mutton. Do not deprive yourself of the plea- sure of eating it.' — ■ Dear Boswell,' replied the Doc- tor, ■ I am very sorry — but I dare not break my vow — 1 cannot eat of the mutton — and must, therefore, be JOR MILLER, satisfied with the pudding.' — Further remonstrance Bosweil found was in vain, and concluded by hoping that the pudding would yield him satisfaction. — Dinner was at last served up, and Bosweil com- menced a furious attack upon the roasted joint, while his philosophic and scrupulous coinp n calmly enjoyed the pudding. — When the keenness of his appetite was somewhat allayed by the deep impressions he had made upon the mutton, Bosweil began to eulogize his dinner ; but this excited from his companion, who kept his eye fixed on his plate, only a significant smile. — ■ Why do you smile, Doctor V inquired Bosweil. ' At nothing in particu- lar,' was the reply ; but it was accompanied with a chuckle, which raised a suspicion in his "iind that all was not right. — Throwing down his knilt ...1 fork, he eagerly pressed the Doctor for an explanation, whose chuckle had now increased to a loud laugh. 1 Well, Bozzy, 1 will tell you,' cried he; 'when I went into the kitchen to inquire iuto the state of our dinner, I saw the boy, who now stands behind your chair, turning the spit, and at the same time scratch- ing his head over the mutton.' — Starting from his seat, as if struck by a galvanic battery, Bosweil seized the unfortunate culprit by the collar ; ex- claiming, * Where is your cap, you young rascal 1 — what have you done with the cap you had on wheu I came to the house ! — why did you take it off? — why did you not keep it on while roasting the mut- ton V — ' Please, Sir,' blubbered out the terrified boy, 1 Please, Sir, — my mother — took it off my head— to make — the pudding in, for the gentleman !' .319' ,x v° 11