TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 635 
 
 py 1 
 
 HARRY L NEWTON'S 
 
 One-Act Comedy Sketches, 
 
 Monologues and 
 Dramatic Episodes 
 
 ^ 
 
 <^ 
 
 A Rose of Mexico A Drama 
 
 A Pair Of Pants Talking Act 
 
 A Jack And His Queen A Comedietta 
 
 An Invitation To The Ball Comedy Sketch 
 
 Chatter Monologue for Males 
 
 Down In Paradise Alley Comedy Sketch 
 
 Family Secrets Monologue 
 
 Izzy's Vacation A Summer Episode 
 
 Keep Your Eye On The Ball 
 
 Comedy Sketch 
 
 Meet My Wife A Comedy Drama 
 
 The Spirit of Captain Kidd Comedy 
 
 Two Girls And Him Comedy Sketch 
 
 What Every Woman Thinks She Knows 
 Suffragette Monologue 
 
 M. WITMARK & SONS, 
 Witmark Building 144-146 West 37th Street, NewYork 
 
TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 A Coniedv Classic in One Scene. 
 
 By 
 HARRY L. NEWTON 
 
 Copyright 1913 by M. WITMARK & SONS 
 International Copyright Secured 
 
 M. WITMARK 8c SONS 
 
 Publishers 
 
 Witmark Building, 144-146 W. 37th Street, New York 
 
 CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON PARIS 
 
 Professional performing rights reserved 
 
PI . ^ 
 
 
 4^ (y ^ 
 
 <i -7 
 
 TWO GIRLS AND HIM. 
 
 Note. — The acting rights of this Sketch are ex- 
 pressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom 
 theatrical managers and performers who 
 wish to produce it should apply. Amateur 
 representation may be made without such 
 application and without charge. 
 
 D 34015 
 
CHARACTERS. 
 
 Timothy McDuff Station Agent 
 
 (Also other things at O'Hell) 
 Florence Feathertop, Late of "A Dish of Prunes'^ 
 Company. 
 
 Birdie Feathertop Her Sister 
 
 Locality. — Exterior of Depot at O'Hell. 
 Time. — Early evening. 
 
 SYNOPSIS. 
 
 Florence and Birdie Feathertop gave Up steady 
 work in New York City to go upon the stage. 
 They joined "A Dish of Prunes" Company, and at 
 the opening of the play we find them stranded at 
 the depot of the little town of O'Hell, with about 
 five cents between them and no way of getting back 
 home, unless by walking. 
 
 Timothy McDuff, the tender-hearted old station 
 agent — the dream of whose life has been to save up 
 sufficient money to buy a phonograph — is made 
 aware of the girls' story, and, bidding good-bye to 
 the hope of -ever getting his precious phonograph, 
 pays the girls' way back to the city. 
 
 Every minute of this little playlet is brimming 
 with interest. 
 
DIAGRAM OF STAGE,. 
 
 D.R.C. C.O. bX.C 
 
 R.U.E. I 
 R.3.C. / 
 
 J 
 I 
 
 LX. 
 
 AUDIENCE,. 
 
 L. I. E. — Left first entrance. 
 R. I. E. — Right first entrance. 
 L. U. E. — Left upper entrance. 
 C. — Centre of stage. 
 R. C. — Right centre of stage. 
 L. C. — Left centre of stage. 
 
 C. D.— Centre door 
 
 D. R. C. —Door right centre. 
 D. L. C— Door left centre. 
 
 V 
 
Two Girls and Him 
 
 Scene.— An exterior, with drop showing outside 
 of depot at the small town of O'Hell. There is a 
 sign, "O'Hell," in large letters center of drop about 
 
 ten feet above stage. A window marked 'Ticket 
 Office" is R. of C. At L. of C. is a door. Both 
 window and door must be practical. At each side 
 of stage are switch rods, to hold lighted lamps. 
 
 Curtain rises to sound of train starting ; locomo- 
 tive whistle and all the noise of a train gradually 
 dying away in the distance. 
 
 Curtain music, "Good-bye, Girlie, and Remember 
 Me," or anything similar. 
 
 (Enter Florence and Birdie; Florence leads 
 dog by chain. They stand, looking off, as if watch- 
 ing train disappear; then look up at drop.) 
 
 Birdie — Well, here we are, dumped off the train 
 and it's about seven dollars apiece from here to 
 home. Have we got seven dollars apiece? No. 
 Well, what's the answer? 
 
 Florence (Sadly) — I don't know. I haven't got 
 a cent. 
 
 Birdie — And I have a dollar-eighty less than that. 
 And, hungry — gee, sis, but Fm sure hungry ! 
 Florence — Well, you would be an actress. 
 
TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 Birdie — Yes, and we'd have been all right if the 
 show had only got to (local town). 
 
 Florence — I have no desire to upbraid you, sis- 
 ter, but I told you that we were all right and had a 
 sure thing waiting on table in that restaurant back 
 home, but you listened to the manager of that 
 show and not to me. And — {Waving hands de- 
 jectedly about) Here we are. 
 
 Birdie — Oh, cheer up, sis ! Your face looks like 
 yesterday's three-cent bunch of soup vegetables. 
 
 Florence — Yes, I must be cheerful. {Laughs 
 mirthlessly.) 
 
 Birdie — If that manager hadn't told me I had a 
 swell voice, I'd never joined the troupe. 
 
 Florence— How did he know you had a swell 
 voice ? 
 
 Birdie — He heard me call "ham and" to the cook. 
 
 Florence — ^And on the strength of that you be- 
 came an actress. 
 
 Birdie — No, nearly one. Gee, if we'd only got 
 to (local town) ! 
 
 Florence — Oh, what would mother say if she 
 knew? 
 
 Birdie — Mother will never know from me. But, 
 say, I'm awful sorry I got you in bad; but when 
 that manager told me I had talent — gee, things got 
 so lonesome around that restaurant, I could have 
 gone to jail for company ! 
 
 (Timothy throws up window and bawls out in 
 imitation of a train caller, calling names of stations; 
 then slams window shut again. The names of stOr- 
 
TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 tions must he unintelligible and speech delivered in 
 a sing-song voice, in comedy manner and style pe- 
 culiar to the ordinary train caller.) 
 
 Florence — What did he say? 
 
 Birdie — I don't know. I'm a stranger around 
 here myself. 
 
 Florence (Laughs) — You will look on the bright 
 side, won't you ? 
 
 Birdie — Sure. What's the use? Say, I'm going 
 to ask him how much a ticket costs to New York. 
 
 Florence — ^What's the good of that? We can't 
 buy one. 
 
 Birdie — Say, we've got to have some womanly 
 pleasure. That wouldn't be the first time we've 
 priced things without buying 'em. I'm going shop- 
 ping. (Goes to window and raps on it.) 
 
 Timothy (Raising window; wears cap with 
 "Porter"' on «V)— Well? 
 
 Birdie — Does this road run into New York? 
 
 Timothy — This road is liable to riin into any- 
 thing, young woman. (Slams down window.) 
 
 Florence— Isn't he the cheerful one ! 
 
 Birdie— Yes. I wouldn't have his ingrowing 
 grouch for money. Here goes again. (Raps on 
 window.) 
 
 Timothy (Raising window) — Well? 
 
 Birdie — We want to go to New York— 
 
 Timothy— Well, I'll let you go this time; but 
 don't ever ask me again. (Slams window down.) 
 
 Florence (Law 0-;^^)— Well, of all things!— 
 
TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 Birdie — Yes, and then some. But he's not going- 
 to slide anything over on yours truly. (Raps on 
 zvindow.) 
 
 Timothy {Raising window]y^S3.y, for the love 
 of Killarney, now what's feeding on ye? 
 
 Birdie — What's the price of a ticket to New 
 York? 
 
 Timothy (Takes off cap and puts on one marked 
 ''Ticket Agent'')— ^ow I'm the ticket seller. What's 
 wanted ? ' 
 
 Birdie — We want to know the fare to New York. 
 
 Timothy — Seven-forty-two. 
 
 Birdie — How much? 
 
 Timothy (Loudly) — Seven-forty-twoi. Didn't 
 you hear, me before ? 
 
 Birdie — Oh, yes, I got you the first time ; but I'm 
 asking now for my sister. 
 
 (Timothy mugs angrily at her, then slams win- 
 dow down, and both girls laugh.) 
 
 Florence (Changing quickly from a laugh to a 
 deep sigh) — Oh, dear, how can we make light of 
 so desperate a situation? We are acting as if we 
 didn't have a care in the world. 
 
 Birdie— That's so; I forgot. Say, I'll bet my 
 stomach thinks all the cooks in the world are out on 
 strike. 
 
 Timothy (Throwing up window; to Florence) 
 — Is that your dog you have there ? 
 
 Florence — Yes, sir. 
 
 Timothy — Would ye mind givin' me a little in- 
 formation ? 
 
TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 Florence — Certainly not. 
 
 Timothy — What's he good for besides killing? 
 (Mugs and slams window down.) 
 
 Florence (Laughs) — Our Irish friend is coming 
 back strong, isn't he? 
 
 Birdie — He seems to be everything around this 
 station. I wonder if he owns the road. I'll ask 
 him. (Raps on window. Timothy raises it) — Do 
 you own this railroad? 
 
 Timothy — No, ma'am ; it's bad enough to work 
 for it, let alone owning it. 
 
 Florence — Would you mind telling us the name 
 of this station? 
 
 Timothy — Sure, and if ye'll raise your eyes and 
 look up, ye'll see it on the building. 
 
 (Both girls look at sign, ''O'Hell/' then Birdie 
 exclaims ''Oh!", then claps her hand over her 
 mouth.) 
 
 Florence — How in the world did this place get 
 such a name ? 
 
 Timothy — That's easy. Ye see, the man that dis- 
 covered this place first put his hands in his pock- 
 ets, looked all about, then says — well, that's what 
 he said up there — and, b'gorry, every one that's 
 discovered the town since then has said the same 
 thing. (Slams window down. Girls laugh.) 
 
 Florence — Come, Birdie, there's no use standing 
 here. We've got to skirmish. Come. (Both walk 
 to R. I E,; Florence exits, Birdie stops, looks up 
 at sign.) 
 
10 
 
 TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 Birdie — That goes double with me, and takes in 
 my sister. (Exits.) 
 
 (Enter Timothy L. i E. He is pushing a truck, 
 on which are a trunk and two grips. Stops Center.) 
 
 Timothy — Now, I'm the baggage man. (Sits on 
 trunk J takes out pipe and tobacco, fills and lights 
 pipe, then takes from pocket an old stocking in 
 which is a quantity of money, counts it) Five and 
 six are ten — no, eleven; and three is thirteen, and 
 six are nineteen. Nineteen dollars, all told. B'gor- 
 ry, it must be hard work savin' up to be a million- 
 aire. I've been savin' up to buy me one of them 
 funnygrafts that plays tunes and things for $25.00, 
 and 'tis mighty hard work I've found it. (Confi- 
 dential tone) Ye know, I was after thinkin' that 
 bein' this is such a lonely place, I'd be buyin' me a 
 funnygraft so I could play tunes on it to pass the 
 time away. B'gorry, I started to save me money 
 last New Year's a year ago, and now I have only 
 nineteen dollars, and the funnygraft is twenty-five 
 dollars. (Takes a few vigorous puffs on pipe, then 
 sighs, wraps money carefully in handkerchief, and 
 restores it to his pocket.) 'Tis the dearest wish I 
 have on earth — to be the landlord of one of them 
 funnygrafts, and I'm goin' to have one if I save me 
 head off. 
 
 (Enter Florence and Birdie R. i E. Timothy 
 rises and tips baggage off truck with a bang, then 
 starts to wheel truck off.) 
 
 Florence — Say, what do you mean by slamming 
 our baggage around in that manner? 
 
TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 Timothy (Stopping and looking over his shoul- 
 der) — And in what manner did ye want it slammed ? 
 
 Birdie — We don't want it slammed at all, Mr. 
 Grouch. 
 
 Florence — And we'll report you to the boss, if 
 you're not careful. ^ 
 
 Timothy — Oh, ye will, will ye? 
 
 Birdie — Yes, we will. 
 
 Timothy — Well, fire ahead. I'm the boss. 
 
 Birdie — My goodness, are you anything else 
 around here ? You're the station agent, train caller, 
 porter, baggage master, freight agent, and — 
 
 Timothy — And the yard foreman, lamp tender, 
 switchman, bill clerk, track walker, section foreman, 
 section hand, telegraph operator, agent for the In- 
 ternational Harvester Company, agent for the Pru- 
 dential Insurance Company — say, I couldn't sell ye 
 a policy, could I ? (Birdie laughs.) 
 
 Florence (Laughs) — Hardly. I'm not in the 
 market for one to-day. 
 
 Timothy — Better take out some insurance. It'll 
 come in handy if ye travel on this road. 
 
 Florence (Sighs) — It doesn't strike me at all 
 forcibly that we're going to do any traveling on 
 this road. 
 
 Timothy (To Birdie) — How about ye, little one? 
 
 Birdie — Oh, I'm going to travel on my face ! 
 
 Timothy — Oh, ye don't intend to go very far, do 
 ye? 
 
 Florence — No. You see, we're stranded. 
 
 Timothy — Stranded ? And what's that ? 
 
12 
 
 TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 Florence — We are actresses. The company we 
 were with "closed," which is a poHte term for "bust- 
 ed." The money we had brought us this far on our 
 way home, and — here we are. 
 
 Timothy — Oh! And what made the company 
 bust ? 
 
 Birdie — Well, the title of our show was "A Dish 
 of Prunes." The leading lady got so hungry one 
 day she ate the title, and then she got so full of 
 prunes she couldn't play her part. 
 
 Timothy (Has been standing, meanwhile, with 
 truck handles in his hands and looking over one 
 shoulder at them; now he drops truck) — Say, are 
 yez tryin' to kid me? 
 
 Birdie — Cross my heart. 
 
 Timothy — Well, well. Ye know, Fm goin* to 
 have a funnygraft one of these fine days — Fve been 
 savin' up fer — Oh, would ye mind singin' me a 
 song? Fm dead stuck on tunes. (Lights dim.) 
 
 Florence — Why, we're hardly in the humor 
 for— 
 
 Birdie — Say, I feel just as much like singing as I 
 do of making a dive from a ten-story building into 
 a bottle of catsup! 
 
 Timothy — Sure, and wouldn't ye sing to please 
 me? 
 
 Florence — We'll try — to please you. 
 
 Timothy — Thank ye. If ye'U start her goin' I'll 
 be back in a jiffy. I must get me signal lights on. 
 
 (Orchestra picks up introduction of song, Tim- 
 othy exits with truck. Florence and Birdie sing 
 
13 
 
 TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 verse of song, then re-enter Timothy with switch 
 lamps. He sets them on switch rods at each side of 
 drop, then joins in chorus with them. Switch lights 
 to he so arranged that they make a -flood glow for 
 stage front. As he places lamp he says, "Now, I'm 
 the light man.") 
 
 Timothy (After song) — B'gorry, that's better 
 than a funnygraft ! That's the first I've sung a tune 
 in a long time. Ye know I've been sick. 
 
 Florence — Indeed ? And did the doctor say you 
 had a pronounced disease. 
 
 Timothy — Sure and he did, but I couldn't pro- 
 nounce it to save me life. 
 
 (Florence and Timothy sit on trunk. Birdie on 
 suitcase. Timothy fills and lights pipe.) 
 
 Birdie (To Timothy) — What time does the next 
 train go past here toward New York? 
 
 Timothy — Eight-forty-nine. Are ye thinkin' of 
 takin' it? 
 
 Florence — No, of course not. 
 
 Birdie — No. I just wanted to look at something^ 
 that was going to New York, that's all. (Sighs.) 
 
 Timothy — Say, I have a suspicion that you gals 
 have no money. 
 
 Birdie— Suspicion? Gee whiz, it's more than a 
 suspicion — it's a mortal cinch I 
 
 Florence— Hush, sister; we must not tell our 
 troubles to a stranger. 
 
 Timothy — Yes, of course, I've never been intro- 
 duced to yez. What name have yez hangin' to yez? 
 
14 
 
 TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 Florence — My name is Florence Feathertop, and 
 this is my sister, Birdie. 
 
 Timothy (Rises^ takes off cap, and makes an 
 awkward bow) — Pleased to make yer acquaintance, 
 I'm sure. My name is Timothy McDuff. (Sits.) 
 Feathertop, eh ? That's a peculiar name. 
 
 Florence — That's our stage name. Our family 
 name is O'Brien. 
 
 Timothy (Slow smile gradually spreads over his 
 face, and he moves closer to her) — O'Brien, is it? 
 Sure and ye couldn't call us strangers now, miss. 
 
 Birdie {Aside) — Oh, you kiddo! 
 
 Timothy — And ye got no folks to appeal to ? 
 
 Florence — No — none that we would appeal to. 
 
 Timothy — No husband? 
 
 Florence — No ; I'm not married. Are you ? 
 
 Timothy — Nope. Ye see, gettin' married is like 
 goin' to a fire. 
 
 Florence — And how is that ? 
 
 Timothy — Why, ye run there and walk back. 
 But why didn't ye get married and settle down in- 
 stead of goin' on the stage ? 
 
 Florence — I think I see myself in an East Har- 
 lem flat, with cheese-cloth curtains on the windows 
 and a garbage can on the fire escape, counting on 
 tny fingers how many wienerwursts we get for a 
 dime. No, thank you. 
 
 Birdie — Me, too. 
 
 Timothy — 'Tis a woman's place to marry; to 
 have a home and some little ones playin' about the 
 place. Now ye look like the kind of a woman that 
 
15 
 
 TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 would make a good home for some good man. Go 
 back to New York, and— have ye got a mother? 
 
 Florence (Bows head sadly) — Yes. (Birdie 
 covers face with both hands.) 
 
 Timothy — Then go back to her and wait — wait 
 till a man comes along that can give ye somethin' 
 besides cheese-cloth curtains and wienerwursts. 
 Then — (Hesitates and puifs on pipe.) 
 Florence — -Yes — and then? 
 Timothy — Name the first one — Timothy. (Flor- 
 ence hangs head.) 
 
 Birdie (Aside) — He's a booster for the orange- 
 blossom industry, all right. (Florence starts to 
 speak, hut Timothy raises his hand and checks 
 her.) 
 
 Timothy — Hold on, I ain't done yet. That's 
 damn good advice I give ye, but ye can't get to 
 New York on good advice. Here. (Pulls from 
 pocket the old stocking and starts to unroll it.) 
 Here's the stuff that backs Good Advice and makes 
 it the big favorite in the race of life. (Shows 
 money.) 
 
 Florence (Rises quickly to feet) — No, no, Mr. 
 McDuff. We can't take your money. We — 
 Timothy — Aw, shut up ! 
 
 Florence— Really, Mr. McDuff, you are very 
 kind, but — 
 
 Timothy (Interrupts)— It's a poke in the jaw 
 ye'll get in a minute. Now ye take this and buy 
 two tickets to New York — and yer old mother. 
 (Holds money out to her.) 
 
16 
 
 TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 Florence (//aw^j head) — I — I — 
 
 Timothy — Oh, ye needn't be timid about takin' 
 it! IVe — I've been tryin' to spend it fer a long 
 time, but have been too busy to — 
 
 Florence — Mr. McDuff, you are telling a story. 
 This is the money you have saved to buy that 
 phonograph with. You — 
 
 Timothy {Laughs) — B'gorry, that's a good joke. 
 {Changes to angry voice quickly.) Aw, go on, ye 
 make me sick. Are ye goin' to take this, or this ? 
 {Shows first money and then his closed fist.) 
 
 Florence {Frightened, takes money) — I — I — 
 Yes, sir. 
 
 Timothy — That's better. Now ye haven't got 
 much time before No. 8 is due, so ye'd better buy 
 yer tickets, and — 
 
 Birdie {Half crying) — Oh, Mr. McDuff, we 
 thank — 
 
 Timothy {To Birdie) — And who dealt ye cards 
 in this game ? Now, then, ye'll have to excuse me ; 
 I got to open up the ticket window. Somebody 
 might want to buy a ticket, ye know. . {Makes exit 
 through door in drop, then throws up window.) 
 Now, I'm the ticket seller. Anybody want tickets ? 
 (Florence goes to window, lays down money.) 
 Well, what do ye want? 
 
 Florence {Half laughing and crying) — Why, 
 you know ! 
 
 Timothy — I'm no mind reader. Where to ? 
 . Florence — New York. 
 
 Timothy-^How many? 
 
17 
 
 TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 Florence — Two, please. 
 
 (Engine whistle sounds some distance off.) 
 
 Timothy — There ye be. (Hands out tickets and 
 takes money from shelf.) The train is 'most here. 
 
 Birdie (Meanwhile has been standing with back 
 to audience, watching them; now goes to window 
 and puts out her hand) — Mr. McDuff, we can't 
 thank you enough, but we'll send you back the 
 money if we have to scrub for it — you take it from 
 me. 
 
 Timothy (Takes her hand and shakes it) — All 
 right, little one. Run along now, I'm busy. (Birdie 
 turns away.) 
 
 Florence (Shaking his hand) — I want to thank 
 you — 
 
 Timothy — All right, but go on with ye— ye're 
 blockin' the wheels of traffic. 
 
 (Florence and Birdie ticrn and start to pick up 
 grips.) 
 
 Timothy— Drop those grips. The baggage man 
 takes care of all baggage. 
 
 (The girls turn, and as they are about to exit they 
 wheel about and exclaim: ''Good-bye, Mr. McDuff 
 — Good-bye!") 
 
 Timothy— Good-bye. Give my regards to Broad- 
 way. 
 
 (They exit, waving hands at him. Orchestra 
 plays softly, ''Good-bye, Girlie, and Remember Me.'' 
 Timothy enters through door and looks after the 
 girls.) 
 
18 
 
 TWO GIRLS AND HIM 
 
 Timothy — There goes my funnygraft. Well, 
 maybe 'tis just as well. I'm thinkin' me old hands 
 is too stiff to play one, anyhow. 
 
 (Engine whistle again. He gets truck, puts bag- 
 gage carefully on it, then sound of train coming to 
 a stop. He starts to exit with truck, stops, turns 
 and looks up at sign on drop and exclaims '''O'Hell,'* 
 then exits. Then noise of train starting, engine 
 whistle, and train leaving station.) 
 
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AUG 5 1913 
 
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