Class^RAii.y ScEXE. — The Isle of Boy, a dependency of the British Crown. Time. — Any time. The Author desires to acknowledge his obligations to the celebrated Russian Comedy, "The Re- visor," but to say that the motif and construc- tion of his comedy arc, to the best of his knowl- edge, original. ACT I ACT I. Scene : — A room in Government House. Doors right and left. Window and balcony at hack. Table covered with blue-books, etc., usual appoint- ments of an official department. Telephones, etc. Desk for Secretary. (Private Secretary sitting at desk.) Enter Footman with letter on salver. Footman. For His Excellency. {Goes out.) Secretary {looking at letter). "Whitehall"! {Shrugs his shoulders.) More trouble for the Lieutenant-Governor. {Rises to put letter on table as Governor enters.) Letter, your Excel- lency. Governor. "Treasury" ! ( Tears open letter and reads. ) What's this .'' "Dear friend and bene- factor, having received so many and such particu- lar proofs of your friendship"^ — {Mutters over letter. ) Good Lord ! Prince Henry — incog- nito ! Here's a pretty kettle of fish ! 11 Secretary. Anything I can do, 3'our Excel- lency ? Governor. No ! Yes, that is to say — tele- phone instantly for that double-eyed dunce, the Head Constable. (Secretary takes up telephone.) Oh, wait ! Talking into telephones is like whisper- ing into the ear of a woman — you know what goes in, but the devil only knows what comes out. Take a sheet of paper and write — Quick, quick, quick ! Secretary'. I'm ready, sir. Governor {dictating). "Dear friend and re- spected colleague — " Secretary (writing). " — respected col- league." Governor (dictating). "I have just received from secret sources a very important piece of news ! A royal Prince, cruising on his yacht, is likely to put it at the Isle of Boy. He will pretend to be a private person and may come at any time, if he has not already, arrived — and is at this mo- ment staying somewhere incognito — " Secretary'. " — incognito." Governor. Wonder if the ignorant ass will know what incognito means! No matter! (Dic- tating. ) "Therefore I beg of you to exercise your usual wisdom and discretion in this delicate and difficult matter. Let a sharp look-out be kept on all yachts entering and leaving the bay, and lest our royal guest should be already ashore in the 12 disg'uisc which it has pleased him to adopt, let cvoj'j liotel be visited and every exceptional-look- ing visitor sagaciously interviewed — " Secretary. " — interviewed." Governor. Hope the green goose won't imagine that means the newspapers. (io on, (dictating) "I need not tell a [)ul)lic servant of your great intelligence and ex})erience to regard these instructions as strictly confidential, hut you will oblige me by comnuniicating innnediately with the Judge, the Bishop, the Mayor, and the Seneschal, and request them to step up to me without a moment's delay." Skcretary. " — a moment's delay!" (iovKRNOR (dictating). "Yours in frantic haste-— Lieutenant-Ciovernor." ( Hinging bell. ) Secretary. " — Lieutenant-Governor.*' (Governor signs letter, puts it in enve- lope and gives it back to Secretary.) Governor. By messenger — at once. Secretary. At once. (Skcrktauy goes out.) Footman enters. Governor. Tell your mistress and my daughter that I wish to see them instantly. Footman. Instantly, Excellency. (Footman goes out.) Governor. Here's a pretty business! Incog- nito! Why incognito? Why in the devil's name, 13 \ • V incognito ? ( Walks to and fro, slapping his fore- head:) I have it ! I have it ! Enter Wife and Daughter of Governor. Ah, Rubina ! And Agatha, my child, come here — I have something to tell you : a Prince is coming to visit the Isle of Boy. Wife ( joy fully). A Prince.? Governor. Yes, a Prince ! Of the royal blood too. Wife. Well, I declare ! Governor. Here is a letter from that clerk in the Treasury — You know him, Rubina — the one I sent the little present to at Christmas. He tells me Prince Henry Wife. The young Prince! Shall we have him here ? Governor. He will pretend to be a private per- son and come in disguise. Daughter. How extraordinary ! Wife. How jolly! But there'll be receptions and processions and dances — will there not.? Governor. Rubina, my darling, you are a dunce. Why do people travel incognito.? Wife. I don't know, unless they are trying to prevent anybody from knowing them. Governor. Precisely! And why do people try to prevent anybody from knowing them.? 14 Wife. I dun' know, unless they've been doing something. GovERNOK. Or are going to do something. Great celebrities and great criminals always travel incognito when they are going to do something — something serious, something disturbing. Wife. Goodness me, you don't mean that ! And yet I might have known. I had a sort of presenti- ment of it. All last night I dreamt of spiders. There were four of them — so black and enormous. I thought I was a fly and when they seized hold of me in bed Governor. My dear, you must get the spare room ready. Wife. The spare room.'' Governor. He may arrive at any hour, if he has not already done so. Daughter. But if he is to come in disguise Governor. Leave it to me, my child. Mean- time have the spare room ready. Wife. But there's Bill. Governor. Which Bill? Wife. Why, otir Bill, my dear. The poor boy is coming home from Cambridge. Governor. Send him back. Tell him not to come. Daughter. But he is coming on such a partic- ular end : he has fallen in love, papa. Governor. The booby ! 15 Wife, He wants to toll us all about the lady, and to ask yoi^ii" permission to marry her. GovEiiNOR. Bah ! Daughter. She's so bright, lie says, so clever — and if she's poor she's so pretty and if she's little, she's so sweet. Governor. Pickles! Send Master Bill a tele- gram to say his room will probably be wanted for more important company. Wife. But he has telegraphed that he is to ar- rive this afternoon. Governor. Then put him in the loft, the stable, the hen-coop — anywhere. I've something better to think of to-day than a boy with a head full of love and flim-flam. Enter Footman. Footman. His Honour the Judge, the Bishop, the Mayor, and the Seneschal ! {The Ladies go out.) Four Elderly Men come in — grotesque figures in blacJi, long, old-fashioned coats, silk hats — All very solemn and severe. Governor. Sit down, gentlemen, sit down. {They sit in a half -circle — the Gover- nor in the middle.) I have called you together, my dear and esteemed colleagues, to hear an alarming piece of news. 16 Judge (a red-nosed person). Yes, we know. We hoard something from the Head Constable. GovEiiNou. Where is the Head Constable? Bishop. Gone to the post-office to consult the postmaster. Gov EK NOR. Good! Seneschal. But who is the Prince that is com- ing, your Excellency? GovERNOK. What — didn't I mention the name — Prince Henry ! Judge. The young Prince Henry? Governor. He is coming incognito! Bishop. Extraordinary ! Mayor. Simply extraordinary ! Governor. Incognito, you understand. There must be some meaning in that ! What do you think about it. Bishop? Bishop {with the manner of the pidpit). What do / think about it, your Excellency ? I think it is a deep political move of some sort. Probably Eng- land intends to make war on some foreign nation and is sending the young Prince to see if she can rely on the support of the Isle of Boy. Governor {derisively). Ah, you've got it! You know a thing or two. The idea of England relying on tlic Isle of Boy ! Why, we've only two soldiers in the place, and one of them is the old pensioner who keeps the Castle — and the other goes 17 hopping about on a wooden leg. What do you say, Seneschal? SENESCirAL. I say it looks serious — undoubt- edly serious. But why should we think the young Prince is coming to do us harm.'' Why not to do us good.? Isn't he to come of age shortly? — and at royal festivals of that sort isn't it usual to give away titles and decorations and orders and so forth ? Now, who knows but the King has sent the Prince to see for himself which of us is worthy GovERNOK. Pooh! As if titles were in the hal)it of chasing people around like that ! It's the other way about, my friend ! Titles are like women : you follow them about until you get them, and then you tell everybody they followed you. But what do you say. Judge? Judge {taking a nip of spirits out of a flask, then clearing his throat and speaking with a judicial air). I say, your Excellency, there's no reason to suppose the young Prince is coming on ])ublic busi- ness at all. Why not ])rivat(' business? The Prince is young and merry and fond of pleasure, isn't he? Even if he is a Prince, he is of the same flesh and blood as ourselves — you'll not deny that, gentle- men. And then the Isle of Boy is a little Elysium in the holiday season — and isn't this the holiday season, gentlemen? Heaps of girls, music playing, flags flying, dances, drinks Governor. Bosh! Girls indeed! What an 18 idea ! Do you think that with London and Paris and all the world to choose from, I, even I, when I want girls- — h'm — that is to say, in a manner of speaking, if I wanted them — But how do you feel about it, Mr. Mayor? Mayor, How do / feel? I feel — I feel — How do you feel, your Excellency? Governor. I? Well, I'm no coward, but I con- fess I feel a little — just a little uncomfortable. It's this cursed incognito that's on my brain. Why incognito? Why the deuce should a Prince of the royal blood come incognito to the Isle of Boy? Shall I tell you why? All. Tell us, your Excellency, Governor (in bated breathy drawing their heads together). Annexation! All. Never ! Governor. Yes, one after another the islands have been annexed, and we have escaped hitherto, but it's to be our turn next ! Bishop. You don't say so ! Governor {opening letter). I have an influen- tial friend in the Treasury. Listen. (Reads.) "Dear friend and benefactor — Having received so many and such particular proofs of your friend- ship — " H'm, family matters, you know. (Mut- ters over sentences.) Ah, here it is — "what the object of the visit is I do not know, but as it is a sur- 19 . prise visit it is probably intended to take you un- awares, so (lifting his finger and raising Jiis voice) I advise you to use precautions, and if there is any- thing in the administration of the Isle of Boy which you do not wish the King and the Government to hear about " Mayor. Good Lord, our time has come at last! Seneschal. Yes, the Government may be far away, but it sees everything GovERNOE. It may or it may not — Anyhow, gentlemen, I have warned you. You especially. Judge. Without doubt, when the Prince comes the first thing he will want to look into is the adminis- tration of the law, and when he finds that the Judge of the Isle of Boy is a drunkard Judge (rising indignantli/). A drunkard! What do you mean by a drunkard, your Excel- lency.'^ There are drunkards and drunkards. You wouldn't call a man a drunkard because he has the misfortune to get drunk — My doctor orders me to take a little whiskey at the end of a meal, and so I merely- Governor. You merely go on taking it until the beginning of the next — precisely! (Judge sits.) And then you, Bishop. (Bishop moves un- easily. ) I intended to mention it to you before, but somehow it escaped my memory. You represent the Church- — yet everybody knows you are a rank Athe- ist, and to hear you talk after dinner on the sub- 20 ject of the Creation is simply enough to make one's hail* stand on end. Bishop (rising). What has that got to do with the Prince? I've reasoned it out with my own un- aided intellect. GovERNOii. Perhaps so, but too much intellect in a Bishop isn't good for religion, and I wouldn't do it if I were you. (Bishop sits.) And then you, too, Mr. Mayor. (The Mayor moves uneasily.) You are the magistrate who grants the licenses, but when the Prince finds out that you are a publican yourself, in secret Mayor (rising). A publican.'' Governor. In secret, I say Mayor (sitting). Lord save us! Governor. And hold half the public houses in the name of your mother-in-law Mayor. I'll sell them all off to-morrow. Governor. I would recommend you to do so. And you also. Seneschal. (Seneschal moves uneasily.) Seneschal (mm^). A grocer! Governor. Well, a wholesale Chandler or Pro- vision Merchant — (Seneschal sits.) And you supply the prisons, and I advise you to see that the women have enough soap to wash their linen occa- sionally — and that the men sometimes have clean faces. Prisoners are not persons to be pampered with luxuries, I admit, but that's no reason why 21 they should always go about looking like chimney- sweeps. Seneschal {trembling). They shall have soap to-day, your Excellency, soft soap — oceans of it. Governor. As regards myself, of course All (groaning). Yes, of course! Governor {emphatically). Of course there isn't a man living who hasn't some little peccadil- loes to account for, and I'm sure to hear of mine now the Prince is coming. All. Sure to — sure to ! Governor. It seems that I'm unpopular with the Banks, merely because I hold a few overdrafts — and with the shopkeepers simply because I don't pay my bills. I always give them my I. O. U. and what more do they want.^ (SeniJschal and Mayor groan audibly and Governor looks severely at them.) But I believe there'll be some sort of complaint drawn up against me when the Prince comes. All. Certain to be ! Certain to be ! Governor {significantly). Not that I care a snap about that, and if you hear of anybody who wants to complain, just tell him to wait until the Prince has gone and I'll give him something to complain about. (Mayor and Seneschal groan again. ) But it's this cursed incognito that bothers me. I fully expect the door to open, and all of a sudden. {The door opens "with a hang and Governor rises with a gasp.) I knew it! The Head Constable and the Postmaster enter breathless. Head Constable {who speaks with a lisp). Such a piece of neAvs. Postmaster {who stutters). Su-such a fi-find! All. What is it — what is it.^* Postmaster. The Con-con-constable and I Head Constable. All right, Postmaster, let me tell it ! Postmaster. Al-allow me. Head Constable. No, no — you can't tell the story — you stutter. Postmaster. And you lis-lis-lisp ! Governor. Go on, for the Lord's sake, some- body. M}^ heart's in my mouth ! Sit down, gen- tlemen, take seats ! Postmaster, here's a chair for you. {They sit in a circle with the Postmaster and Head Constable in the middle and Judge and Bishop xvith their backs to the audience.) Well now, what is it? What is it.? Head Constable. Permit me- — permit me. Do let me tell the news. As soon as I received the message from your Excellency I rang up the Judge, the Bishop, the Mayor, and the Seneschal, and then went over to the Postmaster. 23 Postmaster. Y-y-yes, he ca-came over to m- me- Head Constable. To see if any remarkable kind of letter had passed through his hands — any- thing with a royal coat-of-arms on it — that would help us to trace the personage we want if he had already arrived on the island. Postmaster. Noth-noth-nothing, gentlemen, nothing ! Head Constable. But as luck would have it, the Postmaster — now, don't interrupt me — please, gentlemen, oblige me Governor. Go on, for Heaven's sake. Head Constable. The Postmaster was at that moment talking to one of his postmen who was reporting a peculiar circumstance Postmaster. Mo-mo-most peculiar ! Head Constable. He had delivered a letter every day for a week — with the Cambridge post- mark — always the Cambridge postmark — to a young lady staying at an inn on the Postmaster. Cl-closc to the fish-fish-market. Head Constable (nodding). Close to the fish- market. Postmaster. Kept by Peter Quiggan. Head Constable. Yes, kept by Peter Qifig- gan. Postmaster. His wi-wi-wifc presented him wi-wi-with a baby last week, a boy 24 . Hkad Constable. Good Lord! Will no- body Postmaster. Ju-ju-just like his father. Governor {rising in anger). Will you stop, Postmaster.? {Sitting.) Go on, Mr. Constable. Head Constable. Well, the young lady had turned out to be a young man. Governor. A what.? Head Constabi.k. Yes, your Excellency — when the postman took the letter this morning. Postmaster. Wi-wi-with the ('am-Cambridgc postmark Governor. Confound the Cambridge post- mark ! Head Constable. He opened the door of the sitting-room suddt-niy and beheld the young wo- man was a young man! (All lean back and tcfltistk' .) Hkai) Constable. When I heard that I said "Hello !" PosTMASTKii. No, / sa-said— "Hel-hell-liello !" Head Constable. Well, first you said it, and then / did. "Hello," we said. "There's some- thing up here." So off we go to the inn. PosTMAS'i'KR. On the qu-quay.? Head Constablk. On the quay Postmaster. Where the cir-circus pc-people stay. Head Constable. And when we get there we 25 peep into the room through the round glass panels over the door. Postmaster. Li-like this — {Lifts the arm of the Bishop to his head to make a loop). Head Constable. Yes, both of us, like this. (Lifts the arm of the Judge in the same tcay — they both look through with faces to the audience. ) Governor. Well, well, what do you see? Head Constable. We haven't been peeping a moment when in comes a young woman from the street Postmaster. Ra-rather goo-good-looking. Head Constable. Very good-looking. Governor. What is she doing? Head Constable. She is beginning to un- dress ! All. Oh ! Oh ! ( They look at each other. ) Head Constable. That is to say, a little at a time, you know— first she takes off her bodice — then she slips off her — (Indicates skirt). Judge. Order! Bishop. Really, gentlemen! (They break up. Business. ) Head Constable. Wc couldn't help it — we really couldn't — and before we knew where we were — it was a young man Postmaster. R-rather handsome and well — well-dressed. Head Constable. Very well-dressed — frock- 26 coat, white waistcoat, patent leathei* boots — that was walking about the room. "Hello," says I — Postmaster. No, — no, / said Hell Governor {rising again). Postmaster, you are a fool. Postmaster. Ye-ycs, yes, sir ! Head Constable. "Hello," says I. "Here's a lucky find !" Such a noble physiognomy, such a regal style, so haughty and distinguished ! And when he caught sight of the Postmaster peeping behind the door Postmaster. No, no, — the Con-constable ! Head Constable {brushing him aside). And looked like this — {imitating a majestic look), I had a sudden presentiment, and I said, "It's He!'' Governor. He.'' Who — what.'' Head Constable. Why the Prince who was to come incognito. Governor. You don't say so ! It can't be ! Head Constable. It is though ! Why, I called up Peter, and asked him privately : "Who is that young man?" I said, and Peter answered: "I don't know who he is, but his goings-on are peculiar. When he goes out he's a woman, and when he comes in he's a man." Yes, sir, and Peter said : "He's been here a week and he takes every- thing on trust, and doesn't pay a penny — and yet he sings all day long." Governor {rising and walking about mopinng m Ills forehead). If nuisl, \)v I lie I'l-iiico! Who I'l.sc could it be? Why sliould a man prclcnd to ho a woiiiJUiP Why should / pretend to he a woman? M.woK. I dun' know. (iovKUNOii; Why should /jou prclcnd lo he a woman ? Mayor. I never do, youi' I'iXc-ellency. (JovKUNOu. When a man pretends to he a woman it's for the same reason that a widow of forty })retends to he twenty-five — she's ^oin^' to dro[) down on some poor devil soon. And then why — why sliould anybody who can't pay a penny siiif^" — sinf>- all day lon^? Mavok. I ^ive it »ip, sir. (lOVKKNOR. It's even worse than I expected! When I first lieard ol' this cursed incognito I thought to myself — somebody will come and tell me a distinf^uished-lookinf^ stranf^er has arrived in a yacht and put uf) at the CJrand Hotel. But a low pot-house on the Iroiisrrs ami li(tl(/in^' lliciii out) 111' )nni|)(il In llif coni'liision, Coi- suinr roiSDii, llial sill' was llir Pi'incc IravilJin;^' in (lis ^•ilisc. Mammii;. Wlial nonsense! Daddii;. The (lovernor believes il, liion^^li, and lie is coniin^' lo see her. Mammiic. 'I'lie (lOVernor coniin^^' lo see lii'sl/l? Daddii;. The (Joveinor and all his salellilcs. MammiK. Well, I declaic! DaddiI':. More than llial, Ihe landlord has fallen into Ihe lra,|) loo, and we are lo have as niii(-|i din ncT as we please. Dinner, dinner, dinner! {('Uij) pijif^ his IuiikIs (iikI vapcrhif!; round.) Mammii;. What's to he done /ilioiil il ? Daddii-;. Done ahoiil il ? I'^ai il, of course, he • fore Ihe fools find out their mistake. Mammii;. lint what's to he done ahoiit the (iov- eriior when he comes to see Lesia, niider the inipreH- sion that she's the |*rin<'e in dis^Miise.'' I.i;s'rA {Icajnn^ n p with face fnll of rcsolufinn) . l"'ool him to tli(! I,()j) of his beni, t hal.'H wIiuI.'h to be done.'' 48 Mammie. Lesta ! Lesta. He insulted me, didn't he, — he said I wasn't fit to marry his son, and if I crossed his threshold he would turn me out of doors. Daddie. He did? Lesta. Very well, he shall take me over his threshold himself. He shall go down on his knees to me. Mammie. My goodness ! You don't mean you'll pretend you are the Prince? Lesta. Certainly, I will ! We all will ! For- tune has thrown these people into our hands, with their mare's nest and moonshine, and we arc not mummers if we are incapable of munnnery. Dahdie. Good, great, glorious ! Count me in every time. Let me see ; I'll be your valet — no, I'll be — that's it, I'll be your father, the King. Lesta. You'll be my equerry and friend — And, Mammie Daddie. I know — Mammie will be your Lady of the Bedchamber — I mean your Lady in Wait- ing — I mean — h'm — Mammie's the difficulty, isn't she? Lesta. Mammie will be your wife, and my old nurse. Daddie. Splendid ! Mammie. Goodness me! But if the real Prince should come in the meantime? 49 liKSTA. Let liiiii ! 'I'lic prcsciil is ours we'll work it for all it's worth. {(ratlicrinf>- up 7nale attire). Conic )ilonf>- Mjuiuiiic ! Help mo to ^vt into this flininncry ! I know what it is to he u woman let me feel what it is to he a man ! [ know what it is to he poor and insif>nificant let me Hnd out what it is to he rich and ^rcat ! 'I'o he a woman and to he poor as the world <^()fs is to he courted and degraded, fiattcred, and HJuuned — to stand in a market-place where jou pay but arc never paid — to he present at a feast wliere you serve hut may not he served- io he low enough for man's lust hut not hi^h enough for his love! Oh, I don't know whose fault it is, hut it's wicked and cruel and unjust, and now I'm ^oin^- to he re- venged! {Breaks into hysterical laughter, and, singing and goes in, followed by Mammik). (Knoelcing at door, u.) Daddik. ''I'lie Satellites ! Lksta (putting her head in at door, i..). T hear them coming, (iull them, fool them; bleed them, fleece them, Daddie. (Her head goes in.) Daodie. Sh! Now for business I (Straight- ening himself up and assuming a high style). Come in ! Enter Head CoNSTAjn.K in full uniform. In lisp- ing he pronounces "*" as "th." Head Constable. Your master is not at home apparently.'* 50 Daddie. Always at home to you, Colonel. He'll be out presentl}'. Head Constable. Thanks! (Aside). Sup- pose I must begin to use palm oil here! (Aloud, slipping coin into Daddie's hand). Tell me, my good man, what is your master.'* Daddie. What is he? Head Constable. I mean what is his rank.'' Daddie. His rank.^ Oh, the usiud rank. Head Constable. (Aside.) One nmst be a little bolder with this gentleman. (Aloud.) He's a — a — general, isn't he.'* Daddie. A general.'' (Contemptuously.) Did you say a general.'* Head Constable. Is he higher than a general then.? Daddie. Oh, much higher. Head Constable (cr^irf^). I knew it! (Aloud.) So you're having a little tour together, are you.'* Daddie. Decidedly — undoubtedly. We're hav- ing a little tour. Head Constable. A private tour, eh.'* Daddie. Oh, strictly private! Head Constable (aside). How close we are! But the rascal will soon melt under my manage- ment. (Aloud.) Tell me now, what does your master pay most attention to on his little private tours ? 51 Daddie. Well, to tell jou the truth, he seems to me to pay most attention to the police. Head Constable (alarmed). The police! Daddie. He's fond of asking questions and finding out all about them. Head Constable (aside). Lord save us! Daddie. But most of all he likes being well en- tertained. Head Constable. Well entertained .'' Daddie. That is to say he likes his servants to be well entertained. Coming away from an island like this, he'll say, "Well, Sidney," that's my name — "Well, Sid," he'll say — "have they treated you well?" "Shabbily, your Highness," I'll say. "Re- mind me of that when we get back to London," he'll say. And then it's God help that poor island and everybody in it ! Head Constable (terrified). Good Lord! you don't sa}^ so! (Taking out his pocket-book.) He doesn't mind putting up at an old hotel like this though ? Daddie. No, he doesn't mind putting up at a frousy, grousy old hotel like this. Head Constable (slipping bank-note into Dad- die's hand). But that's all part of the game, per- haps, eh, Sidney, eh? Daddie (taking it). Yes, that's all part of the game, perhaps, eh, Colonel, eh? (They nudge each K0 otlier -with the elbow, mink and laugh immoder- ately. ) In the midst of their laughter Lksta enters, dressed in male attire and assuming the character of the Prince. Lest A. Here I am at last! Daddie (aside, pocketing the bank-note). H'm ! He needn't have been in such a deuce of a hurry, though! (Exit Daddie, n.) Head Constable (with great trepidation). I have the honour to present myself : I am Head Con- stable of the Isle of Boy. Lesta. Ah, liow d'ye do? Take a scat. Head Constable. It is my duty, as Head Con- stable, to take all due measures to prevent visitors from suffering inconvenience. Therefore, if you have anything to complain of in this place Lesta. Nothing whatever! True, the house is not all that one may have been used to, the attend- ance leaves something to be desired, and the food — Well, yes, the food Head Constable (gathering confidence). Or if you arc in temporary want of funds, I am ready to oblige you, because it is — ahem !^ — my duty to assist visitoi's. Lesta. Did you say funds. ? Well, since you are so kind, it would perhaps — — Head Constable (handing a roll of notes). 53 Say no more, sir — sny no more! Don't trouble lo count it. (Aside.) There, tliank Heaven! He has taken my money. Lesta. Thanks, very much ! I must say I am very iiiuch shuck by the open-heartedncss and generosity of the officials in this islaiul, and when I get back to London Head Constable (eagerly). Ah, you are too good ! It is easy to see you are an exceptional visi- tor, a most excej)tional visitor, and if — if — when you return to London, tiie King should ever speak of the Isle of Boy, perhaj)s you will say, "May it please your Majesty, that is the island where the police — the police always do their duty !" Lesta. Certainly! I shall be haj)py ! I like the company of the police. Some people don't agree with me, but what would society be without the po- lice.'' Am I not right.'' Head Constable. Absolutely right, sir! (Backing out.) Pardon me, troubling you further with my presence. Lesta. Don't mention it ! Head Constable (aside). Ilui-rah ! 'J'he isl- and's ours! (Eant Head (.'oxsjable.) Re-enter Daddie, stifling his laughter. Lesta. How do you like it, Daddie? Daddie. Rare! But there's another of 'em coming! Hush! — he's here ! 54 Enter Judge, in wig and gown, with bank-notes crushed in his hand. {Exit Daddie.) JvuGK (aside). Oh, lord! How my knees knock together! {Steadying himself against table, cen- tre, and speaking with difficulty.) Your Ex — I mean your High-^your Royal — I have the honour to pi-esent myself: I am the Judge of the Isle of Boy. Lesta. Ah! Take a seat! Judge. Hearing from the Head Constable that an exceptional visitor has arrived — I came to pay my respects Lesta. Quite right ! I'm very fond of agree- able company. But pray be seated. Judge {still steadying himself by table). Thanks ! I can very well stand. Lesta. No ceremony — I beg ! I entreat ! {Jvv)v.K makes a dive for a chair and sprawls into it.) Lesta. So you are the Judge of tiie Isle of Boy ! You find it profitable, I daresay, being Judge here.^ Judge {alarmed). Profitable.'' Lesta. Such a sober and well-})rincipled people, you know ! I should think they must leave you nothing to do. Judge {aside). Oh, Lord! somebody has been and told him. 55 Lesta. Nothing but to spend your time and your salary in enjoying yourself. Judge (sl'ips off chair on to his knees). Your Ex-ex-ex — your High — your Royal High (Gasps.) Lesta, What's the matter? Judge (hiccoughing). Have pity on me ! Don't ruin nie! Only give mc time to repent. I have a wife and small children — Judge for yourself, sir, the salary I get is hardly sufficient for bread and cheese, and how can I spend it in drink.'' Lesta. Certainly you can't! Judge. It's all the lying of that Governor. Lesta. What a shame! Judge (hiccoughing). He says I'm sometimes speechless on the bench. Lesta. What nonsense ! And you with such a marvellous flow of language, too ! But what have you got in your hand there? Judge. Noth-nothing, sir. Lesta (helping him up). Why, it's money! Look here, lend it to me. I've run a little short, but as soon as I get back to London, I'll return it to you. Judge. It's quite unnecessary — the honour of lending to your Ex — I mean your High — In fact, I spend all my salary on distinguished visitors, one way and another. Lksta. I'm sure you do. 56 JuiKHo (rising uy'ith difficulty), l^ixcusc my in- ti'iision, sir. Lks'J'A. Don't iiicritioii it, ,Ju(|o(.. I |i|<,. t|,(. society of lawyers. What would the world he with- out lawyers, I say? 'J'hey're not like the j)oliee, who are all scoundrels, or like the clergy, who are all hypocrites, 'i'hey are so ^cneious, so sincere. Am I not ri^ht, Jud^c? JuDOK. Quite ri^ht, your Kx-ex-li-ncy ! {A.sidc.) Hur — (hiccough) rah! The island's ours! {Makes a plunge for the door and ftiUs through if headlong. ) He-enter Daddii:, choking xnnth laughter. Daddik. Oh, I shall hurst I Hut I hci'e's another of 'eiri coming! The last was a ^iill, this is a raven ! Sh! Enter the Bismoj', in full costuvi^'. (Kxit Daduiic.) liisiroi'. I liavc the honour to present myself: I am Bishoj) of the Isle of Hoy. Lesta. You're welcome ! Take a seat ! People think me eccentric, hut I like the com|)any of Bish- ops! Some say the clergy are all hypocrites, hut I don't af»;rec with them. They're not like lawyers, who would sell their souls for sixpence. A clergy- man's soul shines in his face. Isn't it so, Bishoj)? 57 Bishop. Quite true, sir. Lesta. And so you live here always.'' Bishop. Alas, sir, that is my fate. Lesta. Well, I like this island of yours. But perhaps this is the case described by the poet: "where every prospect pleases and only man is vile " Bishop. Absolutely correct, sir — it is the Gov- ernor in this island that is vile. Lesta. Is it possible.'' Bishop. There never was such a governor, sir. He makes everybody wallow at his feet. Lesta. What a scoundrel ! Bishop. More than that, he is always stealing off to Paris, and Heaven only knows what he does when he gets there. Lesta. My ! He must be a regular blackguard ! Bishop. And then his family, which ought to be an example to everybody, is simply the talk of the island. Lesta. You don't say so? Bishop. His wife and daughter turn up their noses at our wives and daughters, and as for his son Lesta. His son? Bishop. He has a son at Cambridge, who is go- ing to marry an actress. Lesta. You don't say so? Bishop. It's true ! A mere music-hall singer. 58 Lksta. Wliy, they're neitlur more nor less tiian a family of impostors! Bisiioi'. Quite right, sir. Hadn't I better put it all down On paper, so that you can take it away with you? Lksta. Do, hy all iticans. I shall he very g'lad to have it. Hisiioi' (rising). Thanks! I will not |)resume to occupy your time any longer. Lksta. Don't mention it! All you've told mc is very amusing ! \iy the way, a very funny thing has happened to me. I've somehow cleaned myself out in coming here. You couldn't now— could you? Bisiioi' (diving' into his pockets under his apron). Of course! I shall count it a great hapj)i- ness! I always keep a little about me for the pur- pose. Delighted to oblige you. Lesta. 'JMianks very much! Bishop (aside). 'JMie Lord be })raiscd ! The island's ours! (Backs out, bowing profoundly, humps against Dabdik, conung in. Bishop falls face forward on his hands, gathers himself up with xcounded dignity and goes. K.vit.) Daj)Dik. Oh! I shall die of laughing! But there are three more officials coming. Lksta. Three more! Seems to me there are a good many officials in this island. Are they all olficials? Da 1)1)1 1;. Sh ! Ilci'e they are ! 59 Enter the Mayor, the Seneschal, and the Post- master. Mayor in his red robes and chain, with cocked hat; Seneschal and Postmaster in evening dress. Seneschal carries a roll tied with red ribbon. Postmaster carries a silver salver. Mayor. I have the honour to present myself! I am the Mayor of this town. Seneschal. And I am the Seneschal of this isle. Postmaster (stammering). And I — I — I — I am the pos — post — postmaster. Lesta. Happy to see you ! Be seated, gentle- men, be seated. Mayor. But our rank is not high enough. Lesta. Never mind ! I don't care to stand on my dignity. Pray sit down, (They sit nervously.) Mayor. Hearing that an illustrious visitor has arrived, and that he was so gracious as to express himself to the Bishop on the subject of the Gov- ernor Seneschal. Who so grievously and unjustly oppresses us Mayor. Calling us publicans- Seneschal. And quacks Postmaster. And foo — foo — fools ! Mayor. Wc ventured to bring a little petition praying for his summary and immediate removal. Lesta. Quite right^ — let me see it. {Taking 60 roll from Seneschal: opening and muttering the first lines) "To His Imperial Highness — your pe- titioners humbly pray — " Is it signed? Mayor. Yes, sir, by every official on the island. Lesta. Good! I'll not read it at present, though! Keep it for the journey home. I like to read something amusing when I'm bored. But what have you got there.'' Postmaster. A lit — lit — little testi — testi — monial. Mayor. We thought if your Highness would aid us in our prayer Lesta. Ah, no ! Don't imagine that : I never accept presents for public services. But if you cared to offer me a trifling loan of, say, a couple of hundred pounds — just by way of showing your confidence — that would be quite another matter! (The Three Men rise in alarm and make sig7is at each other behind Lesta's back.) But perhaps you haven't so much about you. Well, if you haven't two hundred, let us say — ten. Seneschal (rummaging in his pockets). Have you got ten, Mr. Maj^or.'' Mayor. I've only one left. Seneschal. And I've only half a sovereign ! Postmaster. And I — I've only ha — ha — half a crown ! Lesta. Very well, let it be thirty-two and six, then ! I'll do with that ! ( Takes money. ) 61 Postmaster (offering salver). Take the tr — tr — tray also! Pic — pie — please. Daddie (aside, tugging at her coat-tails). Take it, you fool — take it ! Lesta. Well, if you wish it — merely as a matter of form, remember ! Mayor, Postmaster, Seneschal (together, Postmaster's stutter coming last). Pardon us for troubling you with our presence ! Lesta. Don't mention it ! It's a pleasure ! Come to see me again ! Often ! Very often ! ( Con- ducts them to door. They go off with solemn rev- erence. ) Daddie (suffocating with suppressed laughter). Oh, let out my sides ! Let out my sides ! Lesta (also rolling with laughter). Did you see old stick-in-the-mud in the gold chain.'' Daddie. And the old geescr in the glasses .f* Lesta. And the stut — stut — stutterer! (They drop into seats right and left and rock with laugh- ter.) Daddie. What a set of flats they are ! Lesta. And what a pack of rascals! Daddie. What fun when they find themselves deluded ! Lesta. Meantime they've served our turn beau- tifully. Here is their money and there is their peti- tion against the Governor signed by every man of them. If when the Governor comes he continues to 62 be impossible, let him look out for trouble! But if he is willing to come to terms, and the only diffi- culty is this wrangling, slandering crew of back- biters and blackmailers, let them on their part look out for me. They might as well go and hang them- selves as have the Governor know anything of this (indicating money) and this {indicating petition). I must write to Bill before his father comes. Ink and paper, quick, quick ! (Sits at side-tahle and zvrites at frantic speed.) Daddie. Very good ! I'll send it off by the landlord! (Calling off .) Hi there, mate ! You've got to take a letter to the post, and give it to the Postmaster himself and tell him to send it by special messenger to Government House. D'ye hear me, Government House! Look alive there! Stop, the letter isn't ready yet. Lesta (writing). Bill will die of laughing over this. Enter Waiter, very subservient. Waiter. The landlord's compliments, sir, and please may I lay the table.'' Daddie. Lay away, little cock-a-doodle ! You might have done so if you'd only mentioned it! (Waiter proceeds to lay table in great hurry.) Lesta (putting letter in envelope). There, that will do! 63 Daddie. lli^lit you are! {doing off with let- ter.) Look here, young 'un ! Y'ou'rc u smart chap — just get us something to cat while we're waiting for dinner. Waitkk. But there ain't nothing good enough for the likes of you — only plain stuff — till your master and the Governor is done. Daooii:. Well, but what plain stuff liave you got ready? Waiter. Only roast beef and potatoes and pastry. Daddik. Never mind! It doesn't matter! I'll eat it all. (Exit Daddik with Waitkr. As they go out, they cross the IjAndlokd, hacking in and bowing before the Govkrnor.) Landlord. His Excellency the Lieutenant- Governor! {Exit Landlord.) Lesta. Ah, how (Vy^i do, your Excellency! Take a seat ! Governor {aside). What a charming young- man ! What refinement of manners ! One can see at a glance he belongs to royalty. {Aloud.) Going my rounds in the performance of my duty, I dropped in casually — quite casually, to ascertain whether all visitors were being well entertained. Lesta. I am greatly obliged to you. Your offi- cials have been here already on the same errand ! Governor {aside). The rascals! So they've stolen a march on me, have they? (Aloud.) Ah, 64 yes, of course, certainly ! I sent them on ahead of me, because I am not like other Governors who never attend to their business. And lo ! as a reward for my pains, the occasion has presented itself of making this agreeable acquaintance. Lesta. Quite so! I am too delighted! With- out the kind assistance of your officials I confess I don't know what I should have done. To tell you the truth, I couldn't pay my bill. Governor (aside). Couldn't pay his bill! Oh, yes, fib away ! Lesta. I daresay you think I am some distin- guished visitor. On the contrary, I'm only a variety artiste. Governor (aside). Only a variety artiste! Well, he is a fine hand at spinning yarns ! Lesta. Yes, and my father before me was a variety artist also! Governor (aside). Just observe how he romances ! And drags in his old father too ! Lesta. We came over to the Isle of Boy to get an engagement and got broke — stony broke! Governor (aside). And he doesn't even blush! He wants his incognito kept up ! Good, Ave'll talk a little nonsense too! (Aloud.) Ah, but that makes no difference ! Rich or poor, great or small ! It's all one to me ! Yes, out of pure Christian philanthropy, apart from duty, I am determined to see that any visitor to this island is well treated. 65 Any other Governor, to be sui-e, would look to his own advantage, but, believe nie, when I lie down to rest my sole prayer is: "May His Majesty hear of my zeal and be satisfied." lie may, or may not, reward mc. That is as he pleases, but at any rate, my conscience is clear, I lonf^ for no honoiu's ! They are, no doubt, alluring, but to the u{)ri^ht — all dust and ashes — ahem! all dust and aslies ! Lesta. Quite true. I'm fond of spoutinf^ a little too ! Enter Daddik followed my Waiter with dinner. But won't you join me at dinner.'' GovEiiNOR. With the greatest pleasure in life! {Aside.) How delightful he is! What deport- ment! What style! Daddie {aside to Le.sta). The satellites arc here still ! Lesta {aside to Daddie). Where? Daddie {aside to Lesta). Listening under the window. (Governor and Lesta sit at table; Waiter serves; Daddie stands, i-.) Governor. Yes, I'm only too glad to labour in the service of the island, but I venture to point out to you what a head-splitting business the office of Governor is! And when you've got bad officials too Lesta {loudly). Bad officials.'' m Governor. Yes, sir, such is nij misfortune. (The tops of the hats of the Officials are visible bobbing up and down under the open window.) Tliere is my Head Constable, for example Lksta (loudly). The Head Constable! (iovKRxoR. A rascal, sir, a lonj^, lanky, lisj)ing rascal! (The head of the Hkaj) Constablk bobs up and down at bade with a look of horror.) And there is the Bishop ! Lesta (loudly). The Bishop! Governor. A bare-faced }iyj)Ocrite! He doesn't know the Lord's Prayer yet — he is always making' collections, and where the money goes to God only knows! (The head of the Bishop goes up and down.) And then the Judge! Lesta (loudly). The Judge! Governor. A doddering old drunken dunce, sir! (The head of the Judge goes up and doxvn.) Governor. And then the Mayor and the Post- master and the Seneschal, how Heaven allows such cursed old scamps to live (The heads of Mayor, Postmaster, and Seneschal bob up and down.) Lesta. Well, I declare! I never should have thought it ! Governor. Yes, sir! You may toil for your country's good, you may lie awake at nights, but when you've got the whole island on your own shoulders 67 Lesta. I feci for you. But, tell me, is it all work with you in the Isle of Boy? Have you no amusements? No theatres, no music-halls? Governor (aside). Oho, my young friend, I know what you're getting at! (Aloud.) Theatres and music-halls ? God forbid ! We haven't a the- atre in the island, and as for a music-hall, we've never even heard of such a thing ! It did once hap- pen that somebody came to me and proposed Nig- ger Minstrels, but I forbade it instantly, and I re- member I had a nightmare the night after. Lord forgive 'em — how can people waste precious time over such frivolities. Daddie (aside). Rats! (As the dishes are going out Daddie seizes them and helps himself.) Lesta. Well, I don't quite agree with you though. It all depends how you look at it. Governor. Oh, certainly, certainly ! Lesta. Don't say theatres and music-halls are not good now and then Governor. No doubt, no doubt Lesta. For my part I'm very fond of them. I own they're one of my weaknesses. Not the only one though — for instance, I'm rather susceptible to the charms of the fair sex — aren't you? Governor. I? Well, now that you speak of it Lesta. Come now, when you're in Paris, ch? 68 Governor. Oh, Paris? Well, perhaps in Paris Lesta {loudly). Aha, you're blushing! Don't get out of it that way. Confess now — You know all the pretty actresses, don't you? Governor. Sh ! Sh! For Heaven's sake! I'm a married man ! Lesta. Oho ! A married man ! And tell me, have you any children? Governor. To be sure I have — two of 'em — both grown up ! Lesta. You don't say so! — grown up! What are their names? Governor. Agatha, the girl, and William, the boy — we call him Bill. Lesta. Really ! You call him Bill ! I daresay Bill is fond of the pretty actresses, too? Governor. You may well say so. Why, he wants to marry one of 'em. Lesta. Is it possible? Governor. Yes, sir; a common music-hall sin- ger. The booby says she's a lady — a real lady. Lesta {kissing her hand aside). Bless him! Governor. And if I don't let him marry her he'll marry nobody else. Lespa. But — this is shocking! To go to Paris occasionally, and be on a nice friendly footing with a mere singer, that's one thing; but to want to marry her — that's another thing altogether. 69 Governor. It is ! Lesta. Tell me, who is she? Some trollop, I suppose ? Governor. He calls her Filly — Nilly — Silly — or something. Lesta. Is it Lily ? Lesta Lily ? Governor. The very name. You know her, then? Lesta. Of course I do ! A regular — tut ! Governor. I thought as much ! Lesta. I feel for you, my friend ! More than that, I'll help you ! Governor. You will — you'll deign to help me? Lesta. The boy is fascinated. I'll disillusion- ise him. He thinks there's nobody in the world like Lesta Lily. Governor. He does. Lesta. But I can do everything she can do — - sing all her songs, dance all her dances, just as well as slic ever did them, and better — fifty times better! Governor. Well? Well? Lesta. Well, I'll do them wherever you like to- morrow night, and so break his idol to bits. Governor (laughing and clapping his hands). Splendid ! Magnificent ! I'll be your debtor for- ever ! Lesta. It's nothing — nothing at all! But re- member, nobody must know who I am I Governor. Oh, nobody — nobody but ourselves. 70 And may I venture to ask — hut uo, I am un- worthy ! Lesta. What do you mean? GovKKNOu. If I mi<4'ht he so hold — I have a charming' httle room at (yovernment House — hut no, I feel it would he too great an honour. I^KSTA. On the contrary, I accept it with pleas- ure. My equerry and his wife, too — they will he happy to accept your hospitality also. GovKKNOii, I shall he too delighted. Lesta (rising). Hi, waiter, hring me my hill — quick! {Exit Waiter.) Equerry, pack my trunks — immediately. Daddie. Right you arc, my High Nobility. {Exit Daddie.) Lesta {to Governor). No time like the pres- ent — we'll go at once. {Goes in, singing and danc- ing. You hear her singing behind scenes until she reappears. ) Governor {alone). Aha! I've hagged the big prize ! And now, won't I pepper the gentlemen who tried to steal a march on me ! The peddling huck- sters ! The swaggering, bumptious, blowing blackguards! {He turns up stage, and at tJie same moment the figures of the Officials in a line rise simultaneously behind xvindoxv, and look at him zvith silent, grim, and reproachful faces.) Governor {in alarm). What are you all doing there? You've not been listening to my })rivatc 71 conversation ? Impossible ! You're gentlemen, real gentlemen Head Constable. On the contrary, we're long, lanky, lisping rascals, your Excellency ! Judge. And doddering, drunken dunces ! Bishop. And bare-faced hypocrites ! Mayor. And peddling hucksters ! Postmaster. And spy-spy-spy-spying sneaks! Governor {in a frightened undertone). Sh! Sh! D'ye want to ruin everything? Look here, if you'll hold your tongues I'll ask you to Govern- ment House to-morrow night — you and all your wives! There! Sh! He's coming back! (Les- ta's singing is heard approaching and the figures of the Officials go down again.) Enter Lesta in overcoat, and tall hat, with cane, etc., followed hy Landlord and Waiter — Last of all, Daddie and Mammie, dressed for the street. Mammie looks frightened. Dad- die is lighting a very big cigar. Landlord {to Lesta — opening paper). You were pleased to ask for Lesta. Ah, the bill ! Of course ! Equerry, see to this little matter — I can never make anything of their stupid accounts. Governor. Please don't let it bother you ! {To Landlord.) Get out of this — the money will be sent. 72 Lesta. Yes, of course — that will be best. (Landlord and Waiter come down r. and l. and shoulder basket-trunks. ) Governor (to Lesta). Do you propose to ride in your carriage, or will you go with ine in mine.'' Lesta. I prefer to go with you in yours. Governor. Delighted ! Charmed ! Enrap- tured! Do me the honour (Makes way for Lesta who goes out first in high style, singing as before and followed by Governor. The Landlord and Waiter are about to go next when Daddie intervenes with a lofty gesture, offers his arm to Mam- mie and goes off w ith a majestic stride, puffing his big cigar. Land- lord and Waiter are following with the dilapidated luggage on their shoulders when the heads of the Offi- cials rise behind to look after the re- tiring company and the Curtain falls.) 73 ACT III. ACT III. Scene : — The Gardens at Government House. Mansion on k. xvith steps down from a terrace. Garden and other scats right and left. In centre a tent or grotto, which can be used as a retiring room, and lit up from within. A fcza chairs for orchestra on terrace. Trees forming arch at back; with fairy-lamps hanging from them. Back cloth representing the sea. The action begins in sun- shine, goes on to deep sunset, followed by moon- light and ends zcith the fairij-lamps burning. GovEiiNoii's Wife and Daughter come out of house, in evening dress, with light wraps for garden. GovEiiNOu's Wife. There, Agatha, there's a man for you ! That's what I call a man ! Never — never before have I been in the presence of such a charming young man. I'm passionately fond of young men like that. Where's Bill, I wonder.'* Daughter. Not back yet, apparently. Governor's Wife. How tiresome! 75 Daughtek. When papa went off for the Prince, Bill went off for a walk — to walk off his disappoint- ment, I suppose. Enter Bill l. in walking dress. Governor's Wife. Oh, here he is! Bill, I'm surprised at you ! How can you permit your per- sonal feelings to overcome you at a moment like this.'' Don't you know what has happened .'' Bill. What.? Governor's Wife {in a zvhisper). His Royal Highness has come ! Bill {loudly). His Royal Highness.? Governor's Wife. The same that was men- tioned in the letter to your father. But incognito, you know, so we're to pretend we don't know who he is. Bill. And do we? Governor's Wife. Certainly ! You can see at a glance he mvist be a Prince. Such manners, such dignified ways ! At first your father thought there was going to be trouble; but, thank the Lord, everything's all right now. The Prince has ac- cepted our hospitality and we've just had dinner. Now he has gone in to prepare for the private theatricals with which he promised to entertain our people. Bill. Private theatricals.? 76 Governor's Wife. Well, songs, recitations, imitations — I don't know what they are, but your father wishes you to see them and he sent us out to find you. So run^ — run to your room and dress ; the Prince will begin presently. Bill. But tell me — what's he like — this Prince —young or old.^ Governor's Wife. Oh, young, very young, only two or three and twenty. Bill. Tall.? Governor's Wife. Quite tall. Daughter. INIamma, dear, he's short — as short as I am. Governor's Wife. Of course, you must con- tradict. He's tall. You're told he's tall — he's as tall as your mother. Bill. Is he dark or fair? Governor's Wife. Dark. Daughter. No, fair. Governor's Wife. Well, dark and fair. Bill {eagerly). Auburn hair.'* Governor's Wife. Exactly : dark auburn, and his eyes Bill {more eagerly). They're brown, aren't they.? Governor's Wife. No, blue — deep blue. Daughter. Mamma, they're brown — I looked at them myself, 77 GovKRNOii's Wife. And thrij looked at me, miss — iiuk'cd I noticed tluit the I'riiice kept look- in^' at nie all tlirouj^h diniier. Dai'c.htkk. Oil, nianuna, lie kept lookiiio- at me! GovKUNOu's WiKK. (let aioii^' with yowv nib- hish — your remarks are (juite impropi-r. Daughtku. IJvit, mamma, he did, he really did. GovKRNOu's WiKi'.. 'I'here you are — arguing again! 117^'// did he look at you, pray? 1)aiu;iitkk. When he said I must sui-ely re- semble my brother he f^a/ed at me the whole time. (tovkkxok's VVifio. Will, perhaps he did look at you once or twice, but that was only tor the sake of" appearances. {Voice of Govkunok outside, ^'Rubina.'"') There, {to \\\\.\.) there's your father; run away and retuiii (piickly. Hii.T. {going, (i.si(le). Tlu' Trince — twenty- three — aul)urn hair — brown eyes — sonj^s — imita- tions ! Oh, my head's fji;oing round like a wind- mill ! {Exit Bill, r.) Enter Govkrnok from IIou.se. Governor. Bill got back.'' Governor's Wikk. Ves, tlear; the boy's gone up to dress and will be down presently. GovERNOu (mopjring hifi forehead). Oh, I>ord, I haven't got over my fright yet! 78 CiOVKUN'Ou's WlKK. WllJ^ VvllJlt is tluiH' to 1)0 f'ri^htfiu'd about r (lovKUNOu. Thfit's just like ii woinuii ! A hi^- vvi^ coiiics down on yon like a holt out oi the hhu', and she asks what is thei'e to bo frifjfhtened about! (Jovkunoh's Wikk. Well, I see nothing- in the Prince but a nice, polished, polite youn^" ^'eiil lenian, and it' there was ever any danger of trouble, Ihaiik lu-aven it's all over. (lOVKKNou. Ves, yes, l)ut it's a cpieer world lor all that. \ini ()U<;ht to be able to reco^-nise ^reat piople by their distinguished aj)pearance, but you can't, yon can't! Thei-e's the I'rince, a mere strip- ling'! And thert''s that old e(|uen"y, he draid-; so much at diinier and <;ave vent to such allegoi-ies and ambiguities that I couldn't make head or tail of 'cm. (lOVKUNou's WiKi;. Sh ! lie's coming! Enter Dad die from house, gor^roimlij got up in grotesque evening dress and considerably elevated. Daddik. S})lcndid! Your dinner, sir, was splen- did ! Do you have a s[)i"ead like that (>very day? GovKKNou. Not every day; it was in honour of our distinguished guest. DADDri'.. Just so! He's fond of his dinner, too. In I act he's charmed with the way you have in this 79 island of showing your hospitality. In other places they showed him nothing. GovEKNoii's Wife. You have found your jour- ney very disagreeable, I fear? Daddie. Excessively so. After being used, comprencz-vous, to living in society — to find onc's- self all at once in a dirty inn i)i the depths of un- civilization Govkkxor's Wife. How unpleasant it must have been for you ! Daddie {with a killing air). But I find it quite the reverse at this moment, dear lady ! Governor's Wife {curtseying). Oh, how can you say so, sir ! You do me too much honour. Enter Bill, hurriedly, in evening dress. Governor. Ah, here is my son at last. Allow me to introduce Bill {with a start). What.? Da Daddie {signalling to him). Charmed, I'm sure! Charmed to make the acquaintance of the son of so distinguished an official ! Bill {aside). Well, I'm blest! Enter Footman. Footman {announcing guests). The Bishop and Mrs. Chanton — Judge Deenlaw and Mrs. Deon- law. (Governor, Wife, and Dattgiiter go up l. to receive guests. Bill and Daddie come down u.) Bill. Look here, Daddie, what's going on? 80 Dauuik. Sli! Don't you sec? They've mis- taken Lesta for the Prince! Hii.i.. And you're playin<»' up to it? Daddik. Wliat do you, think? FooTiNiAN {announcing). Tlie Head Constable and Mrs. Catcheni — tlic Mayor and Mrs. Water- (liink. Bill. But wliat about tliese private theatricals? Daddie. Soul's, my boy, songs! Lesta's to do her own songs in her own character — just to keep up the incognito. Bill. Vou don't mean to say that having come here as the Prime she is to })lay her own part and })rctend to be herself? Daodik. That's about the si/e of it. Bill. Oh, my head's like a tee-to-tum and I'm as giddy as if 1 stood on a steeple. Footman (announcing). The Seneschal and Mrs. Sugarsand — the Postmaster and ]\Irs. Peep- heuL Bill. But what the deuce is it all about? What is expected to come of it? Daddik. Sh ! Didn't you get your letter? Bill. What letter? Daddie. The one Tjcsta sent up, ex])laining everything. Bill. Good heavens, no! What has become of it? I'll go and see. (Exit Bh/l.) 81 Orchestra enters and takes up position on terrace. GovEiiNOB {clapping his hands). I'laces, places, places! (Guksts seat themselves right and left of stage.) (Clearing his throat.) Colleagues and friends! I have persuaded our distinguished guest — who is happily endowed with a wondrous gift of mimicry — to favour us with imitations of a certain music-hall singer. Only a connnon person, I fear, one who is never admitted into society like the pres- ent, but the more on that account the condescension of the illustrious personage who has consented to entertain us. (The guests applauA.) GovERNoit. Tiiis, dear friends, is not a case of the commercial theatre Voices. No, no! GovERKOR. The august personage who deigns to sing to us has higher and nobler considerations, and his entertainment, I venture to suggest, will be found to be — ahem ! — -strictly moral. Bishop. Hear, hear! GovEiiNOR. A warning to all our young people and a lesson to the age ! Daddie. Pickles ! Governor. Did you speak, sir? Daddie. Precisely ! I said precisely ! Governor. Thanks! And now silence, dear friends, silence! (Orchestra strikes up. Lesta comes out of tent in character and sings her first song. Guests applaud. Sunset begins.) 82 Ladies. Beautiful ! Charming ! Judge. Wonderful ! Mayor. Delightful! Seneschal. So clever! Head Constable. Splendid ! Bishop. So elevating! Postmaster. So touch — touch — touching! Governor's Wife. And so like! I'm sure it's like! (To Daddie.) Isn't it like, sir. ^ Daddie. Exactly like, dear lady ! Governor's Wife. Ah, I can imagine with what perfect art and taste the dear Prince has re- produced the original. Daddie. Perfect, madam, absolutely perfect! In fact you couldn't tell the difference between them. Re-enter Bill. Postmaster. And who — who — who Daddie. Who is the original.'' Postmaster. Yes, who — who is she.'' Daughter. She? Is it a woman then.'' Daddie. Yes, it's a woman — it's Lesta Lily. Ever hear of her.'' {All shake their heads.) No.'' Extraordinary ! Most extraordinary ! Such a popular favourite, too ! Governor's Wife. Let me see — Lesta Lily ! I must have heard that name before. Daddie. Must have, dear lady ! 83 Governor's Wife. She's a favourite, you say? Daddie. An immense favourite! The Prince knows her intimately. Governor. The Prince knows her.? Daddie. Nobody better. They're as thick as butter. Always together. Postmaster. A — a — always .'' Daddie. Day and night ! In fact they're like the Siamese twins — you can't separate them. Governor's Wife. Why, of course, how stupid of me ! Now I remember ! Lesta Lily — certainly ! Daughter. But, mamma dear, if Lesta Lily is a woman Governor's Wife. There! Of course! 1 knew you A\ould want to argue ! Bill {tugging at Daddie's sleeve). Hold hard, Daddie — you're letting the cat out of the bag. That letter hasn't come, and I've got my eye on the Postmaster. Governor (clapping his hands as before). Si- lence, friends, silence! (Orchestra again. Lesta sings her second song.) Ladies. How lovely ! Head Constable. How sweet ! Judge. How fascinating! Bishop. And how instructive! Governor. Instructive ! That's the word ! As my dear colleague says, how instructive I 84 Governor's Wife {to Daddie). If Lesta Lily is anything like that Daddie. Anything like it? My dear lady, it's Lesta Lily to the life. Governor's Wife. No wonder she's so popular. Daddie, Popular ! It's ridiculous ! I dare say you think a variety artiste is sometimes out of an engagement, but Lesta Lily — never! It did once happen that she was "on the out" for half an hour, but the moment it became known the street where she lives was chokeful of managers — managers after managers! Just picture to yourself thirty-two thousand managers rushing up four flights of stairs to her lodgings on the fourth floor back ! Bill (aside). Half time, Daddie! Postmaster. The fou — fou — fourth floor? Daddie. Did I say the fourth floor? I was for- getting that she lives on the first floor. Why, the staircase alone cost her I don't know how much. And it's a curious sight to see her rooms on Sunday afternoon: authors and managers jostling and humming like bees ; you can hear nothing but buzz, buzz, buzz! Yes, she knows all the literary men. For instance, she's on a very friendly footing with Swinburne. Sometimes she slaps him on the back and says, "How do, Swinny, my boy?" "So, so, old man," he replies ; "things might be better." Postman. Old ma — ma — man? Daddie. Did I say "old man" ? I was thinking 85 of till! Prince. Yes, I must admit he lives in great style. He gives a supper every Sunday night. Governor's Wife. Ah, I can fancy with what magnificence the supi)cr.s will be given ! Daddie. It's a simple affair, not worth talking about ! Tripe and onions, you know, and a bottle of Bass to wash it down ! Postmaster. The Prin — Prin — Prince? Daddie. Did I say the Prince.'' I meant Lesta Lil3^ But it's all one — they live together! Ladies. Oh! {The company start. 'Ril,^. tugs at Daddie's tail.) Bill {aside). For the Lord's sake, hold your tongue, Daddie ! This is a serious business ! You're putting your foot in it ! Governor {clapinng his hands). Silence, friends, silence ! ( Orchestra again. Lesta sings her third song. Chorus of praise from the com- pany generally. ) Governor's Wife. Well, if Lesta Lily is as good as that, she's charming. Chorus OF Voices. Charming! Charming! Governor's Wife {to Daddie). But tell me — what is she like to look at.'' Anything like the dear Prince ? Daddie. Absurdly like. Governor's Wife. You don't say so ! Daddie. Once they mistook her for the Prince. Governor's Wife. Never! 86 Daddie. Fact! You should have seen the Guards rushing out of Whitehall and saluting! And when she goes to Court Governor. She goes to Court, you say? Daddie. Constantly, every day, we go to- gether. We have a whist club there— the Prince, one or two equerries, Lesta, and myself. She nearly kills herself over cards. And when she's rushing away to get down in time for her ten o'clock turn at the Halls, you'll see a nobleman flying after her on the stairs with a blacking-brush, thinking she's the Prince: "Allow me, your Highness, to clean your boots for you." (Daddie laughs. The com- 'pamj look at each other. Bili. tugs again at Dad- die's coat-tail.) Bill. That'll do! Stop it, please— please ! Daddie. But the funniest thing was when they were both staying at the same hotel somewhere. The Prince had come down to lay a foundation- stone or open a bazaar or something. Suddenly he fell ill, and the question was how his place was to be taken— who was to fill it? It was a devil of a business, because the Prince couldn't tell— he couldn't disappoint the people. There was noth- ing to be done but come to Lesta. So late at night, when everybody was in bed, he went over to her room in his dressing-gown Ladies. Oh! {The ladies start from their chairs in alarm.) 87 3iz,i. (aside). Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord! Postmaster. Was she in — in — in bed, or ou — ou — out ? Daddie, Oh, in — I mean out — in and out ! Ill, you know. Postmaster. But did — did- — -didn't you say it was the Pr — Pr — Prince who was ill.-^ Daddie. Did I.'' Same thing. Whenever the Prince is ill Lesta is ill, too ! Extraordinary fact ! Can't account for it ! Bill {tugging at Daddie). Good Lord! Will you never stop? If you say another word I'll scream ! Governor (clapping hands). Silence! Silence! (Orchestra again; Lesta sings her fourth song; universal applause.) Governor (clearing his throat). Ahem! Ev- erything has a stopping-place except time, dear friends, and we must not trespass further on the indulgence of our distinguished guest. What he has shown us with his admirable art and what our eloquent friend (indicating Daddie) has explained with his wonderful lucidity, teaches a great, an im- proving lesson — that women, like the one in ques- tion, whatever their gifts, whatever their fascina- tions, their alluring fascinations, are but the creat- ures of the great. Bishop. Hear, hear ! 88 Governor. Shall we take such persons into our families ? Judge. No, no! Governor. Shall we open our hearts to them.'' Head Constable. Impossible! Governor. Shall we clasp them to our bosoms? Bishop. Never ! Daddie. Rats ! ( The gong goes off in house with a loud hang. Twilight.) Governor. Ah, supper! {Company rise.) Bill, give 3^our arm to your mother. Bill (aside). Oh, Lord, my head's in a whirl! Where's that letter? Where? Where? {To Dad- die, crossing.) Tell Lesta I'll be back presently. Governor. Now Bishop — Judge — Constable — Seneschal — Postmaster — will you! {As he names them they pair off with ladies and go in. Agatha stands waiting.) Governor {taking Daddie aside). A word in your ear, my friend — Sidney — your name's Sid- ney, isn't it? (Daddie nods.) Well, I hear — but this is confidential? Daddie. Oh, strictly confidential ! Governor. I hear that your little friend Lesta is in the Isle of Boy. Daddie. You don't say so ! Governor. Yes, she arrived to-day ! Daddie. Well, who would have thought it! Talk of the angels 89 Governor. Just so ! The little woman must be charming, Sid — perfectly charming ! Dadbie. Oh, she is, Gov, she is! Governor. Do you think now Daddie. What ? Governor. If I made it worth your while, Sid — you could — eh? Daddie. Introduce you? Certainly! When shall it be. Gov? Governor (in a zvhisper). Why not to-night? After supper, when everybody's gone to bed, we'll creep off Daddie (aside). The old tom-cat! (Aloud.) Well, no, not to-night- — there's the Prince, you know ! Governor. Ah, of course! Shall we say to- morrow morning, then? Daddie. To-morrow morning, by all means ! Governor. But not a word to your master ! Daddie. Oh, not a word! Governor. And not a syllable to my son ! Daddie. Not a syllable! (They giggle, laugh, xoink, and midge each other xvith their elbows.) (Aside.) The old catawaller! (Agatha coughs. Governor starts. ) Governor (offering his arm). Ah, Agatha, my child, I was just saying how sad it is that our sons do not follow in the footsteps of their fathers. That's the model ( Goes on talking. ) 90 Lesta comes bounding down from tent, followed slowly by Mammie. The moon rises. Lesta {intoxicated with excitement). How's it going, Daddie? Dadbie. Like a house afire! Did you hear me? Lesta. Hear you? Did I nearly crack my sides to keep myself from exploding? Dadbie. I drew the long bow certainly, but then no story is told without a little exaggeration. And what do you think now? Lesta. What? Daddie. Old Cockatoo wants to be introduced to you ! Lesta. To me? Daddie. To Lesta Lily. I'm to bring him round in the morning, and the Prince is to know nothing about it. Lesta. Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! The Lord be with 'em ! {They roll about laughing.) Mammie {gravely). But, Lesta, do you know Lesta. Know what, Mammie? Mammie. It's high time we were going ! Daddie. Going? What nonsense! This sort of life just suits me to a T. Mammie. I mean it. You've gone far enough with this deception ; and after all what's going to be the good of it ? Let us get away now — to-night ! 91 Daddie. Just when we're getting along so com- fortably ? Mammie. You don't know what may happen next — somebody else may come. And, even if the others deserve to be made fools of, there's Bill Lesta (putting her hand over Mammie's mouth from behind). There, there, there! I know I've serious things to think about — very serious — but don't ask me to think of them now. Give me until to-morrow, Mammie. I can't think of serious things to-night ! When the grey old world turns its back to the sun it has its face to the merry moon, and if we cannot wipe out our troubles we can sometimes forget them. Let me forget mine, Mammie. To-morrow I'll be Lesta Lily and meet the Governor and settle accounts with him. But to-night I'm the Prince, and I've a right to fool him to the top of his bent. Mammie. But what Lesta. What am I going to do.'' I don't know — I don't care ! The world's turned topsy-turvy to-night, and I feel like dancing on my head. I'm going to be the Prince a little longer — to feel what it is to have the contrast of condition forgotten, now that the difference is the other way about — to hear the faults I have never committed as a wo- man condoned now that I am a man ! I'm going to see women as men see them — to make love to the darlings and have the lovely dears make love to me! Daddie. What larks ! Go it, girl, go it ! (Lesta and Daddie are laughing and capering about, when Agatha enters from house. Beautiful picture — seen under the moon- light.) Agatha. Ah ! Lesta. We frightened you, dear young lady ! Agatha. Oh, no ! I was not frightened. I was only about to say that supper is waiting. Daddie {eagerly). Supper .f* Certainly! {Gives his arm to Mammie. They go off.) Lesta. But I don't want supper — I want to speak to you. Agatha. To me.'' Lesta. May I dare to be so happy as to offer you a chair? Agatha. Indeed I do not know — I was merely sent to tell you— I really ought to be going. (Takes seat.) Lesta. What a beautiful scarf you are wear- ing! Agatha. Ah, you only say that by way of compliment — you're laughing at our countrified fashions ! 93 Lesta. Laughing? Impossible! How I should love to be that scarf that I might clasp your lovely neck. Agatha. I don't know what you mean, sir — What singular weather we are having! Lesta {sitting beside her). Your little lips, though, are woi'th all the weather in the world. Agatha. I really don't understand — I was go- ing to ask you to write some verses in my album. Lesta (moving her chair closer). For you, Agatha, I will write anything. Agatha. I'm so fond of poetry. Lesta. I know a lot of all sorts. Say the word — what shall it be.'' Agatha. I like love-poetry best. Lesta (edging closer). 1 know a quantity of that sort too. What do you say to this : "Love is like a red, red rose. Love is like — love is like — " I don't just remember what love is like, but it is like it- — and then the verses are of no consequence. Instead I offer you my love, my faithful love, which ever since your first fond glance — (Falls on his knees.) Enter Governor's Wife. Governor's Wife. Agatha ! Lesta (rising). Oh, my stars! The mother! Governor's Wife. How dare you, miss.^ What's the meaning of this behaviour.? 94 Agatha. Mamma, dear, I Governor's Wife. Be off from here! D'ye hear me, be off ! And don't dare to show your face to me again! {Agatha goes in tears.) {Full moonlight. ) Lesta {suffocating with laughter). I'll make love to the old lady too ! Governor's Wife. Excuse me, sir, but I con- fess I was so astonished at my daughter's con- duct — — Lesta. Don't mention it ! It was all my fault. Forgive me, madam, I did it for love of i/ou — only for love of you! Governor's Wife. Of me? Lesta {throwing herself at her feet). Yes, I offer you my love, my faithful love, which ever since your first fond glance Governor's Wife. But I don't quite compre- hend. If I am not mistaken you were on your knees a moment ago to my child ! Lesta. No, to you ! Despairing of speaking to you myself I was praying of your daughter to speak for me. Governor's Wife. So it was I — but permit me to remark that I am, so to speak — well, I am married! Lesta. Don't mention it ! I mean what matter ! Love knows no difference. Let us fly under the canopy of heaven ! Let us 95 Enter Governor. Governor. Rubina ! Lest A (rising, aside). Oh, mother! The old man! Governor. How dare you.^* How dare you treat His Highness with such f amiharity .-^ Really you behave like an cightccn-year-old girl, not in the least like an old woman of forty-five ! Governor's Wife. Well, what is it.? What have you seen that is so surprising.'' Governor (to Lesta). Don't take offence, sir, I beg, I pray ! I'm innocent ! Body and soul I'm innocent. Lesta. Excellency, I love your child ! Governor. My child.'' Lesta. Do not oppose our happiness, but add your blessing to a constant love. Governor. Then it's my daughter — Governor's Wife. There, now you see — it was all on Agatha's account that our guest was pleased to fall on his knees, and just as he was asking my consent you suddenly blunder in like a cat in a fit. Governor (dropping to his knees to Lesta). Oh, m}^ God ! Don't do it, your Highness ! Don't ruin me ! She's not a Lesta Lily, and you can't take her without bringing disgrace on her father. Please take anything else your Highness thinks fit. Take her! (Indicating wife.) 96 Governor's Wife. But don't you understand, you blockhead ! His Highness is asking for our daughter's hand in marriage ! Governor (rising). What? Marriage? You're mad ! Excuse her, your Highness ; but she's a little wrong in the head sometimes — she takes after her father. Lesta. But I really wish to marry your child. Governor. No, no — it's incredible! I daren't believe it — - Governor's Wife. Not when he tells you so? Governor. He doesn't mean it — I'm not worthy of such an honour ! Lesta. But I do mean it and if you refuse I don't know what may happen. I'm a desperate man — if I blow my brains out you will be respon- sible ! Governor. What? What the devil. He's in earnest — really in earnest. Aha ! Oho ! What a stroke of luck ! Lesta. Have I your consent? Governor. My consent i My blessing ! My paternal blessing ! Enter Bill hurriedly. Bill. Lesta ! Lesta {rising and signalling to him). Sh! Sh ! Governor. Bill, my boy, do you know the 97 honour his Highness has conferred on us — he has been pleased to ask for your sister's hand ! Bill. What ! Agatha ! Impossible ! Incon- ceivable ! It cannot be! I tell you it cannot ! It's not natural. Governor (to Lesta). Excuse him, your Highness — although he's my son he's a little wrong in the head sometimes — he takes after his mother. Bill (aside). Oh, my head's in a whirl — I don't know what's going on. Lesta (edging up to Bill and offering her hand behind her). Yes, I've told your father I love his child, and he has given his consent to our marriage. Bill (catching and kissing Lesta's hand). Well, I'm blest ! Governor (rubbing his hands j ay f idly). That's all right ! To-morrow we'll meet to settle all details of business Lesta. But to-night we'll devote to nonsense and a romp. Enter Agatha, Daddie, Mammie, Judge, Bishop, etc., with Ladies. Governor. Ah, come here, I've an announce- ment to make to you. (All gather round.) Friends and colleagues all — see what honour Heaven has sent your Governor — he's going to marry his child, not to a nobody, but to one of the highest person- 98 ages in the land! {Sensation, shaking of hands all round.) Lesta (taking Agatha for partner). A waltz! A wild, intoxicating waltz ! I'll sing you Lesta Lily's latest song to it ! GovERNOK (calling off). Lights, lights ! And play up there — devil take it, play up, you fellows ! (Fairy lamps flash out in various colours. Orches- tra strikes up. Lesta sings. Company pair off and dance to the chorus- — Governor and his Wife, Daddie and Mammie, Officials and Ladies — Bill only being out. At second chorus Bill drags Agatha away and seizes Lesta. As curtain falls on the final chorus and shadow dance. Bill is seen kissing Lesta madly and dancing in wild joy.) Curtain. L.ofC. 99 ACT IV. ACT IV. Scene: — Same as Act I. Time: — The following morning. Governor's Wife in armchair at l. with work in lap. Secretary at desk, writing. Governor striding to and fro with a lordly air, dictating. Governor. Now we must reply to our confiden- tial correspondent at the Treasury. {Dictating.) Dear friend and colleague Secretary {writing). Friend and col- league Governor. I have to acknowledge the receipt of your valued communication, and to report an extraordinary piece of good fortune which has just fallen to my family Secretary. Family Governor. The Prince arrived in disguise, but, thanks to your warning and my long experience in such delicate matters, I ferreted out his where- abouts directly 101 Secretary. Directly. Governor. At first the Prince was disposed to keep up his incognito, but when he saw that it was useless to try to deceive me, he threw off all further pretence, and, thank heaven, all went well. Secretary. Went well Governor. Entering into a little innocent scheme for the relief of a domestic difficulty con- nected with my son, he accepted my hospitality, and before the day was over he was so impressed by my vigilance, shrewdness, and devotion to pub- lic duty Secretary. Public duty Governor. That he was pleased to propose for the hand of my favourite and only daughter. Governor's Wife {dropping her work). My dear! Governor. Be quiet! You know nothing about it. (Dictating.) It was a very serious predica- ment, and I confess I was a little frightened at first, not daring to hope for so high a reward even for long and arduous public services Governor's Wife Really, dearest! Governor (waving her aside). And it was only when he deigned to go down on his knees to me in a most aristocratic manner, and to say Governor's Wife. But, dearest, he went down on his knees to me! 102 Governor {again waving her aside). And to say — it is all on account of your rare and charm- ing qualities Governor's Wife. But he said that to Agatha ! Governor [raising his voice to drown his zmfYs). And I'll blow out my brains if you do not condescend to become my father-in-law Secretary. Father-in-law Governor. That, relying on the mercy of God, I consented, and everything came to a happy con- clusion. Secretary. Conclusion Governor. That'll do. Copy it out, and send it in by my daughter. (Secretary gathers up papers and goes out.) Governor's Wife. But of course, dear, the Prince meant all that for Agatha. Governor. No doubt, no doubt ! He meant it for Agatha ; I'm not denying that. But where would Agatha be without you and me, my love.? Nowhere ! Governor's Wife. That's true! Governor. Girls can't be too grateful to their parents. Governor's Wife. They can't! Governor. And wives, too — wives can't be too thankful to their husbands. Governor's Wife. Well, as for that Governor. Confess it candidly — you never 103 even dreamt of such a thing. Before Agatha was born you were the wife of a simple insular Governor, and now see what a swell you've hooked for a son- in-law. Governor's Wife. It's quite too wonderful! Governor. Isn't it.'' Just think what a fine pair of birds we've become! Governor's Wife. Haven't we? Governor. We can fly pretty high now. Governor's Wife. Of course we can ! Governor. — Won't I pepper those rascally of- ficials who stole a march on me with the Prince! AVon't I let the blackguards have it ! I've a great mind to — but, no ! Governor's Wife. No, certainly not! What are they.'' Only commonplace people. Remember, our friends and acquaintances in future will be per- sons of quality and distinction. Governor. You're right! They're beneath me ! May the Lord forgive them. If they were in my position for a moment they'd roll me in the mud and club me on the head into the bargain. But I bear them no malice. Only let 'em mind their p's and q's, damn them Governor's Wife. What language you use, dearest ! Governor. Well, what of that — a word doesn't hurt. 104 Governor's Wife. No, perhaps not, when you're only an insular Governor, but when your circumstances are altered Governor. Of course! Of course! What do you think, Rubina? Where should we live in future — here or in London ? Governor's Wife. In London, of course! This island is really too rustic. Governor. Very well, London be it then! The governorship can go to the devil — eh? Governor's Wife. Certainly, my dear! What's a governorship now.'' Governor. Just so ! Don't you think I may get to the top of the tree, Rubina.^ Governor's Wife. Of course you may. GrOVERNOR. And go to Court, and play whist in that club the old equerry talked about, and be hail-fellow-well-met with nobs and nabobs and lords and baronets? Governor's Wife. Undoubtedly, my dear. Governor. Rubina, what do you think, shall / do as a baronet? Governor's Wife. I should say so — beauti- fully ! Governor. I confess I've a consuming ambition to be a lord, though. Governor's Wife. Why not? With man it is impossible, but with heaven all things are possible. 105 Governor. Exactly ! A great voyage becomes a ship, and when a man is father-in-law to a Prince, confound it — — Governor's Wife. Oh, it will be quite too lovely ! Governor. Won't it? I can see myself travel- ling about with him. Councillors, Constables, Mayors, Judges, Bishops, and Seneschals flying round you on every side. You receive all the pub- lic addresses and put them in the waste-paper basket. Then you dine with the Prince and sit above the Sheriff, and snub the little insular Gov- ernors — Eh.^ what.'' How's that for high, old lady.'' Ha, ha, ha! (^He laughs until the tears roll down his cheeks.) Enter the Footman. Well, what is it.? Footman. Beg pardon, your Excellency, but it's half-past ten, and the strange gentleman ain't a-stirring yet. Governor. The strange gentleman.'' Do you refer to the Prince? Footman. Are you sure he's a Prince, your Ex- cellency ? Governor. Am I sure he's a Prince? Of course I'm sure he's a Prince. Are you aware that he is to marry my daughter? How dare you call him the strange gentleman? 106 FooTMAX. But he is a strange gentleman, your Excellency. When I took up his hot water at half- past seven he shouted through the door as he didn't shave and I wasn't to enter on any account. And when I mentioned his boots he told me to send in the maid with them. Governor. Well, what of it.'^ You told Curtis to take his boots into his bed-room.'* FooTMAX. All there is of them, your Excel- lency. Goverxor's Wife. All there is of them.'* FooTMAX. They're threes, m'lady. Governor. Threes ? Footman. High heels, satin bows, patent- leather tops, and pointed toes, your Excellency. Governor. Ha, ha, ha! I see now! You've been to the wrong room. You took your shaving- water to the old lady. Footman. The old lady had gone, your Excel- lency. Governor's Wife and Goverxor. Gone.'' Footmax. Before the upper servants were up she sent Collins for a cab and went off with every- thing. Goverxor. Went off with every thing .'' FooTMAx. All their bits of sticks, 3^our Excel- lency. Goverxor. Their bits of sticks.'' 107 Footman. I mean their crates and egg-baskets, your Excellency. Governor's Wife. Well, I declare ! Governor (sarcastically). And the old gentle- man — did he shout through the door that he didn't shave ? Footman. No, the old gentleman's been a-shaving since seven o'clock, your Excellency. Governor. Since seven o'clock. Footman. As soon as the old lady was gone he got Collins to fetch up the whiskey. Governor. Well? Footman. He's been a-ringing for shaving- water every half a hour since, your Excellency. Governor's Wife. Goodness gracious ! Governor. All right, my dear ! Leave this to me. / think I understand. (Severely.) Jenkyns ! Footman. Yes, your Excellency. Governor. You're a jackass, Jenkyns. Footman. I'm aware, your Excellency. Governor (with dignity). Then go to the Equerry's room — the right one this time, remem- ber — and say the Governor is waiting to receive the Prince as soon as the Prince is ready. Footman. Certainly, your Excellency. (Exit Footman.) Governor's Wife. But how strange ! How singular ! Do you think there's anything in it ? Governor. In what Jenkyns has just been 108 saying ? Certainly there is something in it. False- hood is in it ; suspicion is in it ; malice is in it ; envy is in it ; ignorance is in it. People can't have luck like ours, my love, without finding enemies even in their own household. God forgive 'em, what fools they are too ! How silly ! How stupid ! How shortsighted ! But wait — only wait ! Agatha will be a Princess soon ! and that will silence everybody. Think of it ! Agatha ! our Agatha ! Princess Agatha ! Ha, ha, ha, ha ! Enter Agatha, letter in hand. Ah, talk of the angels Agatha. Edwards gave me this type-written letter to bring to you and I took the liberty of reading it. Governor. Quite right, my child. We were just talking about your match — your splendid, glorious, magnificent match. Agatha. But, papa, you can't mean it! Governor. Can't mean it, my dear.-^ Agatha. You can't be serious, papa. Governor. Can't be serious.'* Agatha. Last night I thought it was all a joke, but it seems you are really in earnest. Governor. Really in earnest? Agatha. Of course it's impossible — perfectly impossible, papa ! 109 Governor. Rubina, where am I? Feel if I'm in bed, Rubina ! Pinch me ! Punch me — see if I'm asleep ! A child of mine has a chance of making the finest match ever heard of since the beginning of the world and she tells me it's impossible ! Agatha. But it's so silly, so ridiculous ! I don't know this gentleman — He doesn't know me. We never met until yesterday — and now- — I can't ! and I won't ! Governor. There you are, Rubina ! You go to the trouble and expense of bringing a daughter into the world — an only daughter — a favourite daughter — and she treats you like that! {He ad- ances excitedly toward Agatha. His Wife inter- cepts him.) Governor's Wife. Be calm, dearest. It's a blow — a terrible blow Governor. You won't miss, won't you.'* Very well, I won't either. I won't lift another finger to find you a husband if you live a hundred years ! More than that, I won't leave you a penny ! I'll leave everything I have to my poor relations ! I'll leave it to the home for lost dogs ! I'll leave it — yes, I'll leave it to Bill Enter Bill. Bill. I've come to ask you for the last time, dad. Governor. Ask me what.'' 110 Bill. To allow me to marry Lesta. Governor {tapping his forehead). Rubina^ our children — both of our children ! Isn't there a doctor about, Rubina? Governor's Wife. Be quiet, Bill ! Don't you see how agitated your father is this morning. Governor. Fool! Simpleton! Didn't you hear that old equerry last night? He had been drinking, certainly — but when a man's tipsy he lets out everything. Didn't you hear what he said about your Lesta and the Prince — that they were as thick as butter — regular Siamese twins and you couldn't separate 'em.^^ Bill. But all that is capable of explanation, dad, and if you'll only listen Governor. Explanation? Fiddlesticks! Do you want the whole island to laugh at us? Those officials— confound them — they'll laugh enough at the Governor when they're told that his daughter won't marry the Prince, but when they hear that his son wants to marry the Prince's mistress Bill. Dad, I'm trying to save you from ridi- cule, and if you won't listen, you've only yourself to blame. Have I your permission— yes or no? Governor. No ! Bill. Then I'll go, and you must take the con- sequences. Governor. Go! You can both go! Block- Ill heads ! Dunces ! I'll leave everything I have to the monkeys at the Zoo ! I'll leave it- — I'll leave it to your mother Enter Footman. Well, what do you want? Footman. Beg pardon, your Excellency, but the old gentleman Governor. H'm! Shaving still, is he.'' Footman. He wished me to say that the Prince will be here presently. Governor (tearing up the letter). Too late! Too late ! Footman. He also begged me to tell your Excellency (Stops, looks round). Governor. Why don't you do it then.'' Footman. That the charming little lady you wished him to introduce to your Excellency Governor. Sh ! Sh! You fool, sh ! Footman. The charming little lady you wished him to introduce to your Excellency Governor. Look here — is it necessary to go on saying that.'' Footman. The charming little lady is in the house also, and he will bring her along at the same time. Governor. What do you say? What the deuce ! At the same time. They can't meet here ! Tell him to take her away ! Take her away ! (Exit Footman.) 112 Enter Daddie followed by Lesta in woman's costume Oh, Lord, here she is ! Daddie. Halloa! Thought I would kill two birds with one stone, guv. Governor. Two birds — one stone? Bill. This is Lesta Lily, Dad ! Daddie. And this, your Excellency, is the Prince ! Governor. Lesta Lily ! The Prince ! What's the meaning of this tomfoolery.'^ Bill. It isn't tomfoolery now. Dad. It's earnest — solemn earnest. Lesta Lily and the Prince are one and the same person. Governor. One and the same person ! You're mad! Feel if you're wearing a straight waist- coat. Bill. Daddie. It isn't Bill who is wearing the straight waistcoat. Guv — it's yourself. Governor. Myself ! Daddie. You've been wearing it ever since you received your letter from London, and fell into the mare's nest by supporting that a simple variety artiste, rehearsing in character, was a Prince trav- elling in disguise. Governor. Good Lord! Can it be possible? To be sure, what was there like a Prince in that young stripling? Nothing at all! How could I 113 . think it? Idiot of a mutton-head that I am! There can't be such another blockhead in all Chris- tendom! I must be in my dotage! I didn't used to be such a fool! Thirty years I've been in the service and nobody could take me in. Rogues and rascals have tried to over-reach me, and now— to be hoodwinked by a girl ! Governor's Wife. But this cannot be, dearest the Prince is engaged to Agatha ! Governor. Engaged! Bosh! A fig for^your "eno'aged!" The Prince is a woman — what's the usetf a woman for a husband? Would a womarf be any use to you for a husband? I'm crushed— regularly crushed! Look at me, Agatha, look!— se^how your father's fooled! Ass! Booby! Do- tard that I am ! Taking a woman for a man ! A music-hall singer for a man of rank! You can crow over me now, Agatha! Why don't you laugh? Laugh away ! I hear all the world laugh- ing! I see nothing but pig's snouts instead of faces from one end of the island to the other. Agatha. Oh, papa! Governor. But if I've been a fool, somebody else has been a knave! All this was intended tx) trick me, wasn't it? To make me consent to Bill's marriage. To compel me to accept not only Lesta Lily but her family of mummers also ! Her father the equerry— eh? Ha, ha, ha! (To Bill.) And you, you fat-nose! You've helped him, haven't 114 you? You've helped this old fellow to grind his own axe — to climb on my ladder — to shunt himself into my house — to Lesta (stepping forward). Stop! If you must blame anyone, blame me. It wasn't my fault that I came here in a false character, but it was my fault that I came at all. You had injured and in- sulted me, sir. Because I was only a poor girl working for a living I was outside your world, and had no business to care for your son. And because I was only a public singer I was a woman of low morals and had no right to marry him. Is work so criminal, sir, that a woman cannot earn her own bread without putting herself out of the pale of respect.'' And is it so wicked to please the public that a girl cannot do it and be worthy of the love of a good man.'' That's the opinion of nearly all such men as you, sir, and it's a lie- — a cruel lie, and I wanted to prove it. (Governor drops into a seat. ) You brought the poor singer to your house as a Prince — and you know what happened ! Did it alter everything when my name was altered.'' Did I become a new creature when I put on other clothes ? Or Avas it that the world itself turned the other way about when I ceased to be a woman and became a man ? I can't say ! I am too ignorant to understand these things. I only know that everything was changed, and you went down on your knees to thank me when you gave me permission to marry 115 your cliild. (Agatha creeps behind her father's chair and puts her arms about his neck.) Perhaps it was a poor revenge, and I'm not sure it covers everything. I know it wasn't playing the game fair, and I'm not going to take advantage of my victory. I love your son, sir, and I think I should have made him a good wife, if you had permitted it— but nobody shall say that I have sown dissen- sion in your family. {Breaking down.) I'm go- ing away ! The public loves me — God bless 'em — and so— and so — so I'm — I'm going back to — to where I'm wanted — {Turning away). Governor {leaping to his feet). No, you're not ! You shan't ! Because you are going to stay here ! Bill. Dad ! Agatha. Papa ! Governor's Wife. Husband ! Governor. I'm rightly served! It's true, if heaven wants to punish a man it first drives him mad. / was mad — mad with conceit and vanity, so I fell into the first fool's trap that lay open at my feet. All madmen are vain fools, and all vain fools are madmen. I deserve to be a laughing- stock — and my downfall is a lesson to toadies and touts and time-servers all the world over. But I'm not going back on my word — I'm going to face the music. Last night, when I thought you were 116 the Prince, I gave you my daughter — now, that I know you are Lesta Lily, I ask j'ou to take my son. Bill. Lesta ! Lesta. Bill ! Enter Footman. Footman (announcing). The Lord Bishop — His Honour the Judge— His Worship the Mayor — the Head Constable — the Seneschal and the Post- master ! Lesta. Let me see them — sir. Bill, go up to my sitting-room for the presents I was showing 30U this morning. (Exit Bill.) Daddie. And before they come let me cut a retreat. Nothing like lopping off your loose ends when the enemy's getting at your flank ! I'm off, sir ! You'll do better without me, and I'll not bother you again ; — but last night, talking of a certain little lady — you said she was a stunner and a brick — and by God, sir, I'll give you leave to call me back when she doesn't fill the bill. Ta-ta ! (Exit Daddie, jauntily.) Enter the Six Officials on tip-toe, looking round. Head Constable. Here's an astounding thing happened, sir — but where's your distinguished guest .'' Governor. Not seen him this morning, gentle- men. 117 Head Coxstable. Good ! The person we took for the Prince is not a Prince, your Excellency. Judge. Not a Prince at all — the Postmaster found that out from the letter. Governor. From what letter? Head Constable. A letter he wrote himself. Postmaster. To your so- — so — son ! Governor. And you opened it? Head Constable. Listen! (Reading.) "Dear- est Bill, I hasten to tell you I have penetrated the mystery of the prince travelling in disguise. — It's myself, and the officials of your Isle of Boy are taking me for his Royal Highness. Six of them have been here already. Such an awful set of originals — 3^ou would die of laughing if you could see and hear them ! For reasons shortly to be re- vealed I intend to play up to their little game, so expect " Lesta (stepping out). "So expect to see me soon in a new character and pray the stars for my success." (OrriCL\LS fall back; letter drops.) Re-enter Bill, carrying tray, etc. Governor. Gentlemen, allow me to introduce jMiss Lesta Lily — my future daughter-in-law ! Judge (to other Officials). A trick! Head Constable. Faked ! Mayor. Fooled! Bishop. He has known it from the first ! 118 Lesta. Bishop, when you called on me at the Inn you left something behind you, and I put it into this paper. The Church should be generous, my lord, but it should scorn to be corrupt. {Gives back his money.) Judge, you were suffering from a certain emotion when I saw you last, and these notes fell out of your fingers : Justice should be blind, your Honour, but not stupid. {Gives hack his money.) Constable, pretending to think I was an impoverished traveller, you gave me something from the poor-box — the Police should be pitiful, sir, but not pilferers. {Gives back his money.) Mayor and Seneschal, when you asked me to do you a certain favour, you gave me this little testi- monial — public money is a public trust, Mr. ^Nlaj'or, and secret commissions is only another name for bribes. {Gives back tray, etc.) Bill {picking up letter). But you've forgotten the Postmaster, and / have something to give him! Postmaster. Don — don — don't mention it! Bill. Why did you open my letter.'' Postmaster. I don — don — don't know ! A super — super — natural force imp- — imp — elled me to break the se — se — seal ! Bill. Well, a supernatural force impels me to break your head. But I give you your choice — a report to the Postmaster-General, or five kicks ! Postmaster. Oh, lo — lor — lord! Have you the heart to do — do — do it, sir.'' Bill. No, but I've the foot. Which is it to be.? 119 Postmaster. Five kic — kic — icks, then! Bill,. Come along! {Exit Bill, followed hy Postmaster.) Lesta {opening petition). I've something «lse here, gentlemen, signed by all of you — it's only an old story^ — a story of jealousy and envy — as old as the story of Joseph and his brethren. If nothing happens I'll keep it for my private reading, but if any of you should ever whisper a word against anybody in this house I might be tempted to read it to the Governor also. Postmaster {voice heard outside). On — on — one! {Fervently.) Tw — tw — two! {More fer- vently.) Thr — thr — three! {Still more fervent- ly.) Fou — fou — four! {With aloud cry.) Fi — fi — five ! Re-enter Bill, with the right leg of his trousers doubled up. A cannon-shot is heard. All start. Governor. What's that? Bill {at back). A yacht in the bay! A royal yacht ! Enter Secretary, followed hy Naval Officer. Naval Officer {saluting). His Royal High- ness Prince Henry has arrived on a visit to the Isle of Boy and requests the attendance of the Lieu- tenant-Governor and his executive. {Exit Officer.) 120 (All utter simultaneously ejaculations of amaze- ment. Governor's Wife and Daughter run up to balcony.) Governor. Gentlemen, wc are all friends now. We have learned our lesson and buried our bitter- ness, so we'll go down to the quay together to wel- come the real Prince. Voices. Hurrah ! The Prince ! The Prince ! (Band heard outside.) Lest A. And I'll sing the Royal Chorus to set you off ! (Lesta sings the Chorus of a song she sung in previous Act. Governor and Officials repeat it, singing together as they go off.) (Exeunt.) ( When they are gone. Bill comes down and Lesta falls into his arms. They sit on sofa, face to audience. Band and procession going under window. ) Agatha (on balcony). The Prince is coming ashore in a launch. They're blowing off steam. Bill (kissing Lesta). So am I, Agatha! Agatha (looking off). Easy ho! Half speed! Slow astern ! Keep her close ! Brace her up, boy ! Bill (embracing and kissing Lesta). I will! I will ! (Cheers, shouts, singing, firing of guns, etc., as Curtain fcdls.) [the end] 121 jUN O i^w THE ISLE OF BOY A Comedy By HALL CAINE #