NO PLAYS EXCHANGED DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Lar^e Catalogue Free. Price 15c each. Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given DRAMAS, COMEDIES, ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. M. F. Aaron, Boggs, Freshman, 3 acts, ZYi hrs (25c) 8 8 After the Game, 2 acts, 1^ hrs (25c) 1 9 All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 4 4 American Hustler, 4 acts, 2J^ hrs. (25c) 7 4 Arabian Nights, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 4 5 As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 2V2 hrs (25c) 9 7 At the End of the Rainbow, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs (25c) 6 14 Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 8 4 Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 9 3 Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2^4 hrs (25c) 7 3 Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Burns Rebellion, 1 hr (25c) 8 5 Busy Liar, 3 acts, ly^^ hrs. (25c) 7 4 College Town, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 9 8 Corner Drug Store, 1 hr. (25c) 17 14 Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs. . 7 4 Daughter of the -Desert, 4 acts, 2J4 hrs (25c) 6 4 Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 21/2 hrs v25c) 8 4 Dream That Came True, 3 acts, 214 hrs (25c) 6 13 Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr (25c) 10 Enchanted Wood, 1|4 h.(35c).Optnl. EveryyoUth, 3 acts, IJ/^ hrs. (25c) 7 6 Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 4 4 Fascinators, 40 min .(25c) 13 Fun on the Podunk Limited, 11/2 hrs (25c) 9 14 Hiiress of Hoetown, 3 acts, 2 .•• • hrs (25c) 8 4 iHigh School Freshman, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 12 Honor of a Cowboy, 4 acts, 2^2. hrs (25c) 13 4 Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2 '4 hrs (25c) 6 4 Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs. . (25c) 5 4 Jayville Junction, IVg hrs. (25c) 14 17 Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 acts, 2^4 hrs (25c) 6 12 Lexington, 4 acts, 254 h..(25c) 9 4 M. F. Light Brigade, 40 min (25c) 10 Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Lodge of Kye Tyes, 1 hr. (25c)13 Lonelyville Social (Zlub, 3 acts, lYz hrs (25c) 10 Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 5 2 Man from Nevada, 4 acts, 2^/^ hrs (25c) 9 5 Mirandy's Minstrels (25c) Optnl. New Woman, 3 acts, 1 hr.... 3 6 Old Maid's Club, 1^ hrs. (25c) 2 16 Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 hrs (25c"> 8 6 Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 114 hrs (25c) 12 9 On the Little, Big Horn, 4 acts, 21/2 hrs. (25c) 10 4 Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 6 4 Pi-airie Rose, 4 acts, 2J^ hrs. (25c) 7 4 Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2J4 hrs (25c) 10 12 School Ma'am, 4 acts, 1^4 hrs. 6 5 Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs.. 6 6 Soldier of Fortune, 5 acts, ly^ h. 8 3 Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 7 Third Degree, 40 min (25c) 12 Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 6 4 Tony, The Convict, 5 acts, 25^ hrs (25c) 7 4 Topp's Twins, 4 acts, 2 h.(25c) 6 4 Town Marshal, 4 acts, 254 hrs (25c) 6 3 Ti-ip to Storyland, 1^ hrs. (25c) 17 23 Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2^4 hrs. (25c) 8 3 Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 7 10 Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 When the Circus Came to Town, 3 acts, 2^4 hrs. (25c) 5 3 Women Who Did, 1 hr. . . (25c) 17 Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 FARCES. COIMEDIETAS, Etc. April Fools, 30 min 3 Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 Bad Job, 30 min 3 2 Betsy Baker, 45 min 2 2 Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 Billy's Mishap, 20 min....... 2 3 Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 S Box and Cox, 35 min 2 1 Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 Convention of Papas, 25 min.. 7 Country Justice, 15 min 8 Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 T.S.DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers,154 W.Randolph St., Chicago OH, DOCTOR! A MINSTREL AFTERPIECE BY HARRY L. NEWTON AUTHOR OF 'A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy," "The Booster Club of Black- ville," 'A Colored Honeymoon," "The Coontown Thirteen Club," - "The Darktown Fire Brigade," "The Goodfcllow," "Good Mornin', Judge," "The Heiress of Hoetozvn," "Jayville Junction," "Laughland, via the Ha Ha Route," "Memphis Mose, War Correspondent," "Min- strel Cross-Fire," "A Rehearsal at Ten," "What Happened to Hannah," Etc. CHICAGO T. S. DENISON & COMPANY Publishers ^^^-^^"^ 1 OH, DOCTOR! CHARACTERS. Hezekiah Quack, M. D The Cause of It All Sam Green The Smart Servant Birmingham Brown The Stupid Servant Atlanta White The Dyspeptic Norfolk Black The Rheumatic Hannibal Grey The Deaf Patient Arabella Snow The Blase Patient Mrs. Hannah Squash The BUxom Patient Note. — All characters are black-face. The two women, Arabella and Hannah, should be played by men. Scene — A Doctor's Office. Time — This Afternoon. '\ \ Place — Any Town, Any State. Time of Playing — About Thirty Minutes. copyright, 1915, BY EBBN IL. NORRIS. ©CLD 41350 2 JUL 29 1915 -M)/. OH, DOCTOR! PROPERTIES. Bottles on sideboard ; large book on table ; door bell and revolver to be used off stage ; tub, funnel, rubber hose, dipper, butcher knife, hatchet, and saw under table; two pails of water and a slap stick for Brown and Green; spectacles and cane for Quack ; pneumatic pad for White ; ear trumpet for Grey ; red lantern for Mrs. Squash. Cane for Black. COSTUMES. Hezekiah Quack — Dressing gown, slippers and skull cap, change to rusty black suit, white vest and high hat. He is old and fussy, absent-minded and near-sighted. Sam Green — Black, short, tight trousers, green socks and low shoes ; waiter's white coat. Works fast and snappy. Birmingham Brown — Ad lib costume. Works slow and droll as a contrast to Green. Atlanta White — Young man, business suit, gloves and walking stick. Rather affected in manner and speech ; effeminate. Norfolk Black — Middle-aged man ; special costume not essential. One leg is swathed in bandages and enlarged to several times its ordinary size, under the outside bandage is placed a block of wood to avoid injury when he is struck with cane ; he hobbles painfully and with the aid of a heavy cane. Hannibal Grey — Old man, very hard of hearing; car- ries an ear trumpet. Arabella Snow — Part to be played by an extremely thin man. The dress worn must fit the figure like a glove. Shoes are large and grotesque. Short sleeves to dress, elbow length and wrist gloves. Small hat with very long 4 OH, DOCTOR! feather sticking straight up. The entire effect to be gro- tesque and as ludicrous as possible. Mrs. Hannah Squash — To be played by an extremely fat man, making a ridiculous contrast to Arabella Snow. Wears everything to accentuate his size. Hoop skirt, flounces, large hat, etc. STAGE DIRECTIONS. ' R. means right of stage; C, center; R. C, right center; L., left ; 1 E., first entrance ; U. E., upper entrance ; R. 3 E., right entrance, up stage, etc.; R. D., right door; L. D., left door, etc. ; D. F., door in flat or back of the stage ; up stagC; away fromx footlights ; down stage, near footlights; 1 G., first groove, etc. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. OH, DOCTOR! Scene: A doctor's office. Box setting, zvith practical doors R. and L. and door in hack flat opening onto street. At hack, L. of C, is a sidehoard containing bottles, glasses and a hottle of pills. At L. is a large Japanese screen. At R. is a long tahle covered over with a zvhite sheet, reaching to floor on audience side. Under tahle there are a number of tools: sazv, hammer, hatchet, monkey-wrench, etc., etc.; also a large slap-stick. Under tahle are also a tin funnel, piece of rubber hose, tin dipper and a small zvash tub. At C. is a small table on zvhich is a large ledger or hotel register. At rise, enter Quack, L. Quack (calling). Sam! Birmingham! Where the deuce are you, you lazy scamps ! You're never 'round when I want you. Sam ! Birmingham ! Enter Green, R., followed by Brown. The latter is yawning and stretching lazily. Just inside door he closes eyes and goes fast asleep. Plenty of action is required in ensuing scene. Green {to Quack). Yo' all call me, sah? Quack (testily). Call you? What do you suppose I've been doing? Certainly I called you. I want my glasses. I can't find them anywhere. (JJis glasses are pushed up on his forehead. He and Green search for them. The latter looks in improbable places.) Strange. Things have a pe- culiar habit of turning up missing lately. Green (at sidehoard, searching among bottles). Dat's a candid fac', sah. I done notice dat mahself, sah. Quack (suddenly discoz'ering Green at sideboard). Here, here ; none of that, sir. Those are not the kind of glasses I am looking for. ■ Green (coming to Quack, looks at glasses on his fore- head and bursts into violeiit laughter. Quack, mystified, 5 6 OH, DOCTOR! looks all about and behind him for the cause of Green's merriment. Finally). Thar they be, Doctor; thar they be; on yer forehead. {Removes glasses from his forehead and hands them to Quack.) Quack {testily). Now who the devil put my glasses there ? Green {indicating Brown, zvho is sound asleep at door), i Him, Doc. He's de one. ' Quack {pu,ts on glasses and peers over top of them at Brown). Impossible! He's sound asleep. Green. Yes, sah; dat's de bestest thing he does — ^be- sides eat. Quack. Well, wake him up. I want you boys to hurry and help me get into my street clothes. I'm goin' away for the day. Hurry up, now. Green {hustling about). Yes, sah; yes, sah. {Goei to Brown and kicks him violently.) Heah, yo', wake up! De Doctor am gwine away. (Brown almost falls as he wakes up stiddenly.) Git de Doctor's hat. Git de Doctor's goat — Ah mean, his coat. (Green and Brown bitstle about, get- ting Quack's hat, coat, cane, etc., taking off his dressing gown, slippers and skull-cap and dressing him in his street clothes. Brown clowns everything he does, stumbling, ■ falling and getting in the way, trying to put one of Quack's . shoes on his head instead of his hat, etc., etc. Finally the Doctor is ready to depart.) Quack {at C. D.). Now, boys, I expect a lot of patients in today and I want you to take the best of care of 'em. Green. Oh, we'll do dat all right, all right. Brown {yazvning). Me, too. Quack. I don't anticipate that you will have any trouble. If you want to know anything, just look in the book there. {Indicates large book on table.) This book will tell you anything you want to know. Green. Yo' don't need to worry. Ah'll look in de book. Brown. Me, too. {Yazvns.) Quack. Remember, boys, be good — and look in the book. I'll return as soon as I can. {Exit CD.) Green {calls after him). Yes, sah; you'll return when i OH, DOCTOR! 7 yo' come back. (Turns suddenly and slaps Brown vio- lently on his back.) Birmingham Brown, Ah. done got me some idea. Brown. Give it to me, and Ah'll chase it up a dark alley. Green. Heah am de idea. De Doctor am gone, and in his absence Ah shall be de Doctor. Ah'll treat de patient patients and yo' shall be my assistant. Brown. Go on, man; what yo' know 'bout machinery? Green. Nothin'. Dat's why Ah'll make a good doctor. Besides, all we got to do is look in de book. Didn't de Doctor say: "Look in de book?" Didn't he done say dem words to us? Brown. Yes, he done say, ''Look in de book." He did, fer a fac'. Green. Den heah we go. (Bustles about, picks up the Doctor's discarded dressing gozvn and skull-cap and dons them.) Behold! Doctor Quack! (Comedy pose.) Brown (admiringly). By golly, yo' look jes' like him. (Bell rings off C.) Green (excitedly). Here's one of de patient patients now. Listen. Yo' answer de bell, Ah retires behind yon- der screen. Yo' find out what's de mattah wid him and how much money he got, den yo' calls me. Brown. Aftah Ah. gits his money? Green. No, no ; yo' jes' find out how much money he got, den Ah comes out and gits it. Brown. Dat don't sound good to mah. Green. Yo' know me, don't yo? Brown. Yes. Dat's why it don't sound good to mah. (Bell rings violently.) Green. Step lively now. (Runs behind screen, mounts a chair and looks over the top.) Vanish ! And remember de money. (Brown, grumbling, exits CD.) Re-enter Brown, follozved by Atlanta White. White takes center stage and stands staring stupidly at audience, both hands grasping cane, zvith handle in his mouth. He maintains this position until spoken to by Brown. 8 ' OH, DOCTOR! Green (over top of screen, to Brown). Fo' de love of chicken gizzards, who left de door open ? Brown. Dat's yo' fault. Yo' tole me to bring it in. Green. Is it a-live? Brown. Ah don't know. Ah'm a stranger 'round heah mahself. Green. Well, go find out. Brown. Ah reckon Ah better look in de book, like de Doctor say. Green. Go on, man. Give him de once-over and den de up and down. Brown. Ah will ; but Ah, got mo' confidence in de book. {Approaches White in cautious, comedy manner and taps him gently on one shoulder.) White (removes cane from mouth, stares at Brown an instant, then with cane taps Brown on shoidder in an ef- feminate manner.) Take th^t, sir. How dare you strike me? (Green, behind screen, almost falls off chair and shrieks with laughter.) Brown (to Green). Say, will Ah kill it, or let it sufifer? Green. Look in de book. Brown (to White). Well, what yo' all want? White. I am a very sick man. Brown. Yo' look it. But what's sick wid yo' sickness? White. Here; my stomach. (Covers stomach with both hands.) Brown. Did yo' bring yo' stomach wid yo'? (Green coughs loudly.) Yo' jes' stand still a minute moment. Dat's de doctor now. Green (to Brown^ aside). Find out how much he's got. Brown (to Green, aside and knowingly) . Jes' leave it to me. (To White.) Say, how much stomach yo' got? (White stares in amazement at Brown.) Green (aside, to Brown). No, no ; yo' mutt! How much money — money ! Brown (disgustedly to Green). Ah reckon yo' better come and git him. Ah'm 'fraid to be left alone wid him any longer. Green (clears throat, comes from behind screen, 11 OH, DOCTOR! 9 straightens clothing and assumes a professional, dignified air). Ah, Birmingham; Ah sees yo' has admitted a patient. Yo' should has called me. (Goes to White and peers into his face.) Aha!- Yo' has stomach trouble. White (amazed). Wonderful, Doctor! Simply won- derful! How could you tell? Green. Why, it's awfully simple — Brown. Yes — simply awful. White. It is quite oh, quite true. I have a bad stomach. Could you give me something for a bad stomach, Doctor? (Groans and places a hand on his stomach.) Green. Yes, Ah could, but Ah won't. White. And why won't you. Doctor? Green. 'Cause Ah don't want yo' bad stomach. Brown. No ; he's got one of his own. Green. Now den we got to git busy. Jes' take a seat while Ah hold a consultation wid mail assistant. (He zvhis- pers in Brown^s ear.) Brown. Look in de book. (Brown and Green grab book from table, slam it on floor, throzv themselves flat on stomachs. Green turns leaves of hook rapidly, repeating the zvord ''stomach.'') Green (stops turning leaves and looks up at White). Did yo' say stomach ? White (rocks back and forth in seeming agony, holds hand on stomach and rolls eyes). Yes, yes. Doctor. Please hurry; I'm growing faint. Brown. By golly, dis book ain't got no stomach. Green. Hold on; heah 'tis. (Reads from book.) *'De bestest thing fo' a bad stomach is plenty of water." Dat's de very idea. Water! (Brown and Green scramble to their feet, seize White, carry him bodily to long table and lay him flat. Green gets funnel and rubber hose from un- der table. He apparently forces funnel into Whitens mouth, connects rubber hose to it and then yells to Brown to get the zvater. Brown dashes to door R., reaches in, gets two pails of zvater and staggers to table zvith them. Green, zvith dipper, dips zvater from pails and pours it down funnel. The hose connects with washtub under 10 OH, DOCTOR! to,hle so the water is not spilled upon floor. White begins to yell in lusty fashion. Green empties both pails of water into funnel. A pneumatic pad may he placed under White's vest and gradually be blozvn up as water is emp- tied into funnel. This is a hysterical scene when properly zvorked up. Green, after last bit of zvater). Thar yo' be. (Yanks White from table.) Now yo' is all cured. Brown. And now git out of heah. (Grabs White by coat collar and seat of trousers and runs him out of C. D. A loud crash follozvs his exit.) Green. Lordy, Lordy ! He done broke somethin'. Brown. Say, maybe it was a ten-dollar bill. Green (as it suddenly dawns on him that they didn't get any money from White, claps one hand on his head and the other on his heart). Oh, Lordy, Lordy! Brown (startled). What's de mattah? Yo' all got a sickness? What'U Ah do — give yo' de water or look in de book. Green. We am a couple of doggone fools. We gits no money from dat patient. Brown. Now yo' make me sick. Green., Well, yo' don't give me no appetite, nuther. (Door bell rings.) Brown. What's dat? Green. Another patient. Fer de love of chicken gib- lets, git de money fust dis time. (Runs beJund screen.) Brown (at C. D., calls off R.). Right dis way, sah; de doc. am waitin'. (Door hell rings again.) Green (over top of screen). Say, if dey don't come when yo' calls, drag 'em in. We needs de money. Brown (yelling off R.). Come in; come in! Doggone yo' — come on in, de water's fine! (Door bell rings the third time, he exits.) Re-enter /Qroy^i^ immediately with Hannibal Grey. Grey (zvith ear trumpet to ear). Hey? What yo' say? Brown (disgustedly, to Green). How yo' gwine git money from a guy what can't heah yo' ask him f o' it ? Grey. Is de doctor in? I OH, DOCTOR! 11 Brown, No, he's out — out 'bout ten dollars, but he'll be in befo' he gits through wid yo'. Somethin' yo wants? Grey (trumpet to ear). Hey? (Green works up scene.) Brown (disgustedly) . Yo' make me sick. Grey. Oh, I see. He'll be in pretty quick. Brown (yelling in trumpet). Has yo' got any money? Grey. Hey ? Oh, no ; it's kinder cloudy out ; it was sunny. Well, Ah won't keep yo' no longer. Jes' tell de doctor Ah called. Goodby. Brown (grabs him). No, you don't. We gotta per- form yo' some operation. (Aside.) We gotta git 'bout ten bones out of yo'. (Green clears throat, comes from behind screen, assumes professional manner and goes to Grey. He grabs him by the zurist and places his head against his breast, as if listening to Grey's heart beat.) Green (raising head). Aha! Jes' as Ah thought. Yo' gotta magnified rendition of de elephantis, which created a tendency ter obligate de modus-opera of yo' fryin'-pan. Brown (aside). Nix, man; he's jes' naturally hard o' hearin'. Green (to Brown aside). Shut up! Ah'm de doctor. (To Grey.) Ah also make de discovery dat yo' heartbeats. Am Ah right or wrong? Grey. Yo' am right. Ah mus' be gettin' along. Good day. Green (grabs him). No, yo' don't. Yo' jes' wait a second. We gotta look in de book. (Green and Brown rush to table and get book, flop dozun on floor, turn leaves rapidly. Grey, zvith trumpet to car, gazes curiously at them.) Brown. Weak, weak heart, weak heart. Nex' week — no, weak heart. Say, yo' sure he has a heart? Green. Sure. Ah done heah it beat. Brown. Maybe dat was his watch. Green. Heah 'tis, heah 'tis. (Reads.) "For weak heart try massage." Say, what's massage? Brown. Ah don't know, but let's try it on him. (They scramble to feet and grab Grey.) 12 OH, DOCTOR! Green (thumping Grey violently on chest). Ah also find dat yo' has weak lungs. Grey (trumpet to ear). Hey? Green (yells in trumpet). Yo' sliould go West fo' yo' lungs. Grey. Do yo' think Ah'll find mah lungs out West? Brown. Ah, what's de use? De only thing dat'll do him any good is massage. (They bend Grey over the back of a chair, Green gets slap-stick and zvields it vigorously on seat of Grey'^ trousers. He yells loudly. They finally yank him to his feet.) Green (exhausted with his efforts). Thar! Yo' done all cured now. Ten dollars, please. Grey (indignantly). What kind o' treatment am dat? Brown. Dat's what may be termed in medical classics, slapereetis. Grey. Well, thar wasn't nothin' the mattah wid me, and Ah refuse to pay yo'. Green. Den what the thunder did yo' come in heah fo'? Grey (trumpet to ear). Hey? Green (yells). What did yo' come in heah. fo'? Grey. Oh, Ah come in to thank de doctor. Brown. Thank de doctor fo' what? Grey. Fo' curin' me of deafness in de ears. Good day. (Exits C. D. Green and Brown look blankly at each other, then drop weakly into chairs.) Brown (dismally). And we don't gits no money from him, nuther. Green (groans) . Oh, Lord ! Brown (laughing) . By golly, we dad a lot of fun wid dat slapereetis, anyhow. Green. Dat's so. De next one dat comes in we'll give em de slapereetis. We don't seem to gits much money, but we has a plenty fun. (Door bell rings. Green con- ceals himself back of screen.) Brown. Say, give me a chance dis time. Ah wants to realize de joy of applyin' de slapereetis treatment. Green. All right, Birmie. Yo' kin do it dis time. OH, DOCTOR! 13 Brown (at C. D.). Come right in. De Doctor's expec- toratin' yo'. Enter Arabella Snow. Green almost knocks screen over in his surprise, while Brown rushes to hook on floor and madly turns over leaves. Green {to Brown, aside). Nevah mind de book; git busy wid de slapereetis. Brown. Go on, man. Dat's all right for a he, but she's a she. Green. Go ahead. Didn't yo' say yo' wanted de delight of applyin' de slapereetis to de next person what entered? Arabella {haughtily). Ah came in heah fo' treatment, sah. Where am de doctor? Brown. Lady, yo' am gwine fo' ter git treatment all right. But Ah 'spects Ah bettah call de regular doctor. Yo' see, lady, Ah ain't a regular doctor; Ah'm jes' a vol- unteer. {Calls.) Oh, Doctor, Doctor. Lady heah, Doctor. (Green comes from hack of screen — sa^ne huslness as he- fore.) Arabella {to Green). Ah Doctor. Ah'm a very sick person. Do yo' all think yo' kin cure me? (Brown picks up slap-stick; conceals it from Arabella.) Green {motions to Brown not to use it). Sure, lady; we cures 'em all. Brown {business ivitJi slap-stick). Yo' bet we does. Green {to Brown). Professor, did yo' feel de lady's purse? Arabella. Purse ? Green. Excuse me. Ah meant pulse. Brown. No, sah ; Ah didn't feels her purse. Ah'm jes' gittin' de treatment ready. {Business zvith stick.) Green. What seems ter be de actual reason why dey let yo' live? Arabella. Well, Doctor, Ah'm awfully thin. Green. Ah kin see dat all right. If yo' close one eye, Ah'd sure take yo' fer a needle. Arabella. Yo' see, Ah'm a society lady — 14 OH, DOCTOR! Brown. Yes — society fer de preventation of cruelty to animals. (Business zvith stick.) Arabella. And in society, yo' know, we am obliged ter talk a great deal and to dance all de newest dances. Green. Aha! Yo' talk and dance a great deal? Arabella. Yes, sah ; sometimes Ah talk and dance all night long. Green. Ah see. Yo' got de foot and mouth disease. Arabella (faintly). Oh, land of goodness! Brown (takes hold of back part of Arabella's skirt, an apron-like piece which is loose and can easily be moved). Lady, yo' got yer wind-shield on in der wrong place. (Moves it from back to front. Business with stick, swinging it back and forth.) Arabella. Why, Ah never received such treatment bef o' in all mah life. Brown. Lady, we ain't started yet. Arabella. How many calls do yo' think Ah'll have ter make heah? Brown (business with stick). Jes one, lady; jes dis one. (Brown applies the slap-stick, Arabella screams, turns and dashes out C. D., pursued by Brown, still vigorously swinging stick.) Enter Norfolk Black from opposite side of door just in time to receive a whack from the stick. He howls with pain, then comes down stage, yelling and hopping on one foot. Brown and Green follozv him, ludicrously imitating his hopping and yelling. Black. Oh, Doctor, Doctor! Ah'm in terrible agony. Do somethin' fo' me. Green. We'll do dat all right. Jes' whar does yo' feel de mostest pain? Black (indicating bandaged limb). Right thar, Doctor; right thar. Green (to Brown). Poor man. He must suffer some- thin' terrible. Brown. Yes, de poor old man. Black. Ah got de gout. Doctor. OH, DOCTOR! 15 Brown. He wants to go out. Green. Nothin' of de kind. He's got de gout. Brown. Look in de book. Green. No, sah. Ah done looks in dat book till Ah knows everythin' in it. Ah kin cure 'em now without de book. (Grabs cane from Black and zvhacks the piece of zvood on his bandaged leg. Black hozvls in apparent pain and jumps about.) Brown {laughs uproariously) . Poor old man! We sure does feel sorry fo' him. Black. Doctor, what yo 'think de mattah wid mah leg? Green {professional manner). Oh, jes' old age, dat's all. Black. Old age? How yo' figure old age is de mattah wid dis leg? Mah other leg is as old as dis one, and dere ain't no pain in dat one. Brown {to Green). Doctor, let's operate on de patient. Dere's only one cure fo' a bum leg — cut it off. Green. Dat's a good idea. Get busy. {They violently grab Black, riish him to table and throzu him bodily on it, zvhile he yells loudly, ''Oh Doctor!" Green gets a large butcher knife from under table and strops it on leg of table. Brown gets hatchet and hacks Black's bandaged leg, then drives a nail in the block of zvood. Green takes out the otJier tools and drops them zvith a crash to -floor. Black raises to sitting posture and looks in affright at tools.) Professor, does yo' think we should chloroform de patient? Brown. No, Doctor; de sure way am to cremate him when he ain't lookin'. (Black yells ''Oh, Doctor!" and attempts to escape from them, but they force him back on table. Green, zvith sazv, cuts bandages on leg and unzvinds them. Black continues to yell "Oh, Doctor!" Green and Brown nozv grasp Black's trousers — one at either leg — and yank them from him, displaying BLACKfs comedy under garments. Black, zvith another loud yell, leaps from table, rushes to back flat and plunges head foremost through a paper zvindozv therein. Brown and Green rush to windozv and look out and dozvn.) Green. Lord, man, he's cured all right. 16 OH, DOCTOR Brown {laughing). Look at him run. He ain't got no mo' gout den a rabbit. Mrs. Squash {off R., yells). Doctor, Doctor, let me in — quick! (Brown and Green dash to C. D. and look off R., then turn and dash madly to screen and conceal them- selves hack of it.) Enter Mrs. Squash, C. D. She carries a red lantern. Picture in doorzvay for an instant while Green and Brown peek about edge of screen at her. Mrs. Squash. Ah nevah had mah modesty so much shocked in all mah life. Green {to Brown). Mah goodness, look at de crowd. (Mrs. Squash stands on one foot.) Brown. Yes, and look at de crowd standin' on one foot — dat's somethin' ter see. Mrs. Squash {comes down to C). Ah wonder where dat doctor man am. Brown {to Green). Dat's yo'. Go on out. Green {to Brown). Ah herewith, resign mah profes- sional incapacity in yo' favor. Mrs. Squash {angrily). Doctor, yo' all better come heah! (Brown shoves Green from hack of screen to C. and shields himself hehind him. Green approaches her in comedy cautious manner. Brown prodding him. along.) Brown. Heah's de Doctor, lady. Mrs. Squash. Ah sure am mighty glad to see yo, Doc- tor. Has yo' got any anti-fat? Green {puzzled for an instant). Yes, lady. Ah got a fat auntie, but she ain't as fat as yo' by some several pounds. Brown {indicates lantern). Pardon me — pardon me, mah deah lady, but why does yo' carry dat red lantern? Mrs. Squash. Oh, dat?' Yo' see, when Ah goes out at night Ah has to light dis heah red lantern. Green. What fo'? Mrs. Squash. Fo' ter show dat de street Ah am walkin* on is closed to traffic. How 'bout somethin' fo' mah. fat? Green. Yo' don't need anythin' fo' yo' fat; Lordy, lady, yo' all fat 'nough. now. OH, DOCTOR! 17 Brown (runs to sideboard and grabs bottle of pills). Let's try dese on her, Doctor. (Returns with pills.) Green. Good idea. We tried everythin' in de place but dem. (Gets funnel. To Mrs. Squash.) Now, lady, yo' jes' take a seat and we'll do de rest. Mrs. Squash (anxiously). Yo' sure. Doctor, dat de pill will make me thin? Green. Ah'll stake mah professional animosity dat dey'll make yo' somethin', but Ah don't know what. (Brown grabs her, forces her head back, Green places funnel in her mouth and pours pills from bottle. She screams, tlirozvs out both arms and Green and Brown go sprazvling to floor. She places both hands on her zvaist- line, runs once about the stage and then off C. D., yelling ''Oh, Doctor!" Green and Brown sit up and stare at each other in amazement. A revolver shot is heard off C. Green and Brown dash to C. D. and look off R.) Brown. Good Lord ! Dat lady bust herself into a mil- lion pieces. Green (7'uns to bottle, picks it up and looks at label). No wonder she bust. Ah done give her anti-thin 'stead of anti-fat. Heah's where Ah done resign mah doctor job. (Discards dressing gozvn and skidl-cap.) Quack (off R.). I'll see about that. Where are they? Oh, where are they? Sam! Birmingham! (Brown and Green gaze zvildly about them, then make a rush and hide behind screen. Very quick action from nozv on till curtain.) Enter Quack, CD. Quack (calls angrily). Birmingham! Sam! You ras- cals ! Come here at once. (Picks up dressing gozvn and skull-cap, takes off his street clothes and dons gozvn and cap. Calls loudly for the tzvo servants.) Loud shouts off stage, back C. and R., then enter Black, White, Grey and the tzvo zvenches. Arabella. Whar is he? Whar is he? Mrs. Squash (pointing at Quack). Thar he be — thar he be! (They all grab Quack, he protesting and declaring that a mistake has been made, and throzv him bodily on i 18 OH, DOCTOR! table. Mrs. Squash gets a slap-stick and ivields it vigor- ously on Quack's anatomy. The others all dance about in wild glee. Brown and Green^ who have been looking over the top of screen enjoying the spectacle, fall zvith the screen to the floor. Their former victims pounce on them, rush them to table and proceed to administer justice in the shape of everything they have received themselves, and it is shozvn to the audience that there is still more coming to them as the curtain descends.) Curtain. Denisoii*s Vaudeville Sketches **A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market, ^^ Price, 15 Cents Each, Postpaid O'TOOLE'S BATTLE OF ANTE -UP.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 2 males, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Gil- hooley wishes O'Toole to marry his daughter. To capture her heart they invent a story of how O'Toole saved her father's life in the battle of Ante-up. She puts to rout the scheming old rascals and marries Timmy, her true Irish boy. It is a fusillade of Irish wit and repartee. THE POOH BAH OF P E AC ETOWN.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 2 males, 2 females. Time, 35 minutes. Joshua is Justice of the Peace, Mayor, Insurance Agent, Attorney, Ex- press Agent and Postmaster of a small village. Contains a quaint sermon on the "divorce question." It is a decided novelty, with an atmosphere of humor that will warm and delight the coldest audience. THE TIME TABLE.— Vaudeville sketch, by George Totten Smith; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Mr. and Mrs. Jangle have missed the train. The naturalness of their ill-tempered cross-fire will make one feel that he has intruded upon the pri- vacy of a family jar and that he should suppress his mirth in fear of being noticed and accused of eavesdropping. THE TRAMP AND THE ACTRESS.— Vaudeville sketch, by Charles Ulrich; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. An actress, home on a vacation, is surprised by a tramp who attempts to rob the house. She simulates madness and thwarts his object. A dramatic incident abounding with comedy. WIVES WANTED IN SQUASH VI LLE.— Vaudeville sketch, by O. E. Young; 3 males. Time, 30 minutes. Arthur Alger, a city chap out hunting, kills Benjamin Butterby's ox. To escape the infuriated rustic, he runs into Solomon Simple's house and hastily dons woman's dress. In this absurd disguise he finally escapes from the two love-sick old rubes, Solomon and Benjamin, who are the typical stage "b'gosh farmers." Mr. Young's plays are all full of ginger and go. Who's a Coward By KATHARINE KAVANAUGH. Price, 25 Cents. Comedy; 2 males, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. A young wife accuses her husband of being a coward and to prove her point arranges with a friend to play burglar and break into their home. The husband, to vindicate himself, makes a similar arrangement with one of his chums. A real thief appears, and both thinking him to be their friend disguised, aid him in escaping with their valuables. Dippy Hogan, the crook, is a scream and will rob any audience of its gloom. Countess Kate By KATHARINE KAVANAUGH. Price, 25 Cents. A playlet; 3 males, 1 female. Time, 25 minutes. Two college chaps assist Countess Kate, a noted jewel thief, to escape from the police. She convinces them that the detective, who has her cornered, is her husJ^and who has suddenly become insane, and after she gets awav they are convinced that they have been two genuine "boobs." 'This beautiful and clever lady "Raffles" has an irresistible charrn. Dramatic, humorous and lively. Played a suc- cessful season in vaudeville. T. S. DEMSON & COMPANY, 134 W, Randolph SU Chicago I •31 DEN I SONS ^v"" VAUDEVILLE Hn Wm s PICKLES t FOR TWO i i 1 Denison's Vaudeville Sketches For Male Characters Price, 15 Cents Each, Postpaid THE COMING CHAMPION.— Colored sketch with a burlesque boxing taiout, by Harry L. New- ton. 2 males. Scene: A restaurant. A black waiter and a mulatto fight promoter. A twenty minute "go" in which hurior wins in a cyclone finish. A DUTCH COCKTAIL.— Vaudeville talking act, by Harry L. Newton;. 2 males. Time, 20 minutes. Wienerwurst and Schmerekaze con- coct a Dutch mixture that will tickle the most exacting and fun-craving palate. FIVE MINUTES FROM YELL COLLEGE.— Dutch, rapid-fire talking act, by Harry L. Newton; 2 males. 'Time, 15 minutes. Jack Schmaltz, who got the learning, and hm uncle, who paid for it. A ludicrous investigation into the vai^ue of higher edu- cation. FOR REFORM. — Political satire for a singing quartette, by Harry Li. Newton; 4 males. Time, 20 minutes. The boss, the wa-rd heeler, the reform candidate and the office boy^ The wheels of this political machine are lubricated with real hurnor. THE LITTLE RED SCHOOL HOUSE.— A bur^-sque sketch on education for a singing ciuartette, by Harry L. l'^ewton; 4 males. Time, 2(j minutes. Heine Picklebrodt, the German teacher. John- nie Redd, the bad boy. Willie Green, the nice boy. Ikey Gold- silver, the Hebrew boy. A school where scholars and mirth run rampage, heeding not the teacher's rules. Any number of songs can be introduced. OSHKOSH NEXT WEEK.— A sketch for a singing quartette, by Harry L. Newton; 4 males. Time, 20 minutes. Three hungry young actors without money waiting for next week's engagement and an. ingenious bell boy, who injects enough action and humor into the situation, to keep their thoughts from dwelling long on home and ham and eggs well done. Any number of songs can be introduced. AN OYSTER STEW. — A rapid-fire talking act, by Harry L. Newton and A. S. Hoffman; 2 males. Time, 10 minutes. Dick Tell, a knowing chap. Tom Askit, not so wise. This act is filled to overflowing with lightning cross-fires, pointed puns and hot retorts PiCKLES FOR TWO.— Dutch rapid-fire talking act, by Harry L. Newton and A. S. Hoffman; 2 males. Time, 15 minutes. Hans, a German mixer. Gus, another one. Unique ludicrous Dutch dialect, interspersed with rib-starting witticisms. THE RECRUITING OFFICE.— Vaudeville talking act, by Harry L. Newton; 2 males. Time, 15 minutes. Irish comedians, "rough and straight." A laughing novelty with just enough plot to make the hinges work smoothly. A SPECIAL SALE.— Jew sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 2 males. Time, 15 minutes. Anson, a pawnbroker, sells Solomon a coat at a reduction. Save up your laughter for this sale. TWO JAY DETECTIVES. — A rural riot of comedy, by Harry L. Newton; 3 males. Time, 15 minutes. Two correspondence school detectives, a busy landlord, ludicrous clues and humorous deduc- tions. The shadowing and the investigations of these Reubens un- cover some real mirth. THE UMBRELLA MENDER.— Vaudeville act. by Harry L. New- ton; 2 males. Time, 15 minutes. Beginning with a shower and ending in a downpour of Jew jokes and Irish gags. T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS Price 15 Cehts Each. Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given M. F. Documentary Evidence, .^5 min. 1 1 Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min.... 4 2 Family Strike, 20 min.. 3 3 First-Class Hotel, 20 -lin 4 For Love and Honor, 2 J min,. 2 1 Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 Fun in a Photograph Gallery, 30 min 6 10 Great Doughnut Corporation, 30 min 3 5 Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 Hans Von Smash, 3U min.... 4 3 Happy Pair, 25 min 1 1 I'm Not Mesilf at Ail, 25 riiin. 3 2 Initiating a Grange-, 25 min.. 8 Irish Linen Peddlei. 40 min... 3 3 Is the Editor In? ,20 min... 4 2 Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 Mike Donovan's Ct Jrtship, 15 m. 1 3 Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 Mrs. Carver's Fa"cy Ball, 40 m. 4 3 Mrs. Stubbins' Fook Agen<-. "^0 min 3 2 My Lord in Livery, 1 hr.... 4 3 My Neighbor's Wife, 45 min.. 3 3 My Turn Next, 45 min 4 3 My Wife's Relations, 1 hr. . . . 4 6 Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 Obstinate Family, 40 min 3 3 Only Cold Tea. 20 min 3 3 Outwitting the Colonel, 25 min. 3 2 Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min . 6 3 Regular Fix, 35 min. -. , 6 4 Rough Diamond, 40 min 4 3 Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 Smith, the Aviator, 40 min... 2 3 Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 Taming a Tiger, 30 min 3 That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 Those Red Envelopes. 25 min. 4 4 Too Much of a Good Tliir.g, 45 min 3 6 Treasure from Egypt, 45 min . 4 1 Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 Two Bonnycastles, 45 min.... 3 3 Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 Two Ghosts in White, 20 min. . 8 Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 Uncle Dick's Mistake. 20 min.. 3 2 Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 Wanted a Hero, 20 min 1 1 Which Will He Marrv? 20 min. 2 8 Who Is Who? 40 min 3 2 Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 Wrong Raby, 25 min 8 Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES. MON- OLOGUES, ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. M. V. Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min.... 2 3 Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.lO Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 ni.l4 Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 Doings of a Dude, 20 min.... 2 1 Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 2 Five Minutes from Yell Col- lege, 1 5 min 2 For Reform, 20 min 4 Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min . . 2 1 Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 1 Handy Andy (Negro), 12 min. 2 Her Hero, 20 min..... 1 1 Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 Home Run, 15 min 1 1 Hot Air, 25 min 2 1 Jumbo Tum, 30 min 4 3 Little R"ed School House, 20 m. 4 Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 2 Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 I Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 1 I Mr. Badger's Uppers, 40 min. 4 2 One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min . . 4 Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10 min 1 Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 2 2 Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 m. 6 Recruiting Office, 15 min 2 Sham Doctor, 10 min 4 2 Si and I, 15 min 1 Special Sale, 1 5 min 2 Stage Struck Darky, 1 min . . 2 1 Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 Time Table, 20 min 1 1 Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 Umbrella Mender, 15 min.... 2 Uncle Bill at the Vaudeville, 15 min 1 Uncle Jeff, 25 min 5 2 Who Gits de Reward? 30 min. 5 1 A great number of Standard and Amateur Plays not found here are listed In Denison's Catalogue T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Pubiishers,154 W. Randolph St. , Chicago LIBRARY OF CONGRESS POPULAR ENTERTAINI Price, Illustrated Paper Covers,{ , I puasocuiTr i t LITTLE PEOM.rS PLAYS/ r.J.DENISON & COMPANY mUSHERS CHICAGO IN this Series are found books touching every feature in the enter- tainment field. Finely made, good paper, clear print and each book has an attractive individual cov- er design. DIALOGUES All Sorts of Dialogues. Selected, fine for older pupils. Catchy Comic Dialogues. Very clever; for young people. Children's Comic Dialogues. From six to eleven years of age. Dialogues for District Schools. For country schools. Dialogues from Dickens. Thirteen selections. The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. Over 50,000 copies sold. From Tots to Teens. Dialogues and recitations. Humorous Homespun Dialogues. For older ones. Little People's Plays. From 7 to 13 years of age. Lively Dialogues. For all ages; mostly humorous. Merry Little Dialogues. Thirty-eight original selections. When the Lessons are Over. Dialogues, drills, plays. Wide Awake Dialogues. Brand new, original, successful, SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES Choice Pieces for Little People. A child's speaker. The Comic Entertainer. Recitations, monologues, dialogues. Dialect Readings. Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. The Favorite Speaker. Choice prose and poetry. The Friday Afternoon Speaker. For pupils of all ages. Humorous Monologues. Particularly for ladies. Monologues for Young Folks. Clever, humorous, original. Monologues Grave and Gay. Dramatic and humorous. The Patriotic Speaker. Master thoughts of master minds. The Pc 017 401 116 For reading or spealcmg.: Pomes ov the Peepul. Wit, humor, satire, funny poems. Scrap- Book Recitations. Choice collections, pathetic, hu- morous, descriptive, p r o sjc. ' " No. S poetry. 14 Nos., per DRILLS 25c, The Best Drill Book. Very popular drills and marches. The Favorite Book of Drills. Drills that sparkle with originality. Little Plays With Drills. For children from 6 to 11 years. The Surprise Drill Book. Fresh, novel, drills and marches. SPECIALTIES The Boys' Entertainer. Monologues, dialogues, drills. Children's Party Book. Invitations, decorations, games. The Days We Celebrate. Entertainments for all the holidays. Good Things for Christmas. Recitations, dialogues, drills. Good Things for Thanksgiving. A gem of a book. Good Things for Washington and Lincoln Birthdays. Little Folks' Budget. Easy pieces to speak, songs. One Hundred Entertainments. New parlor diversions, socials. Patriotic Celebrations. Great variety of material. Pranks and Pastimes. Parlor games for children. Private Theatricals. How to put on plays. Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, Charades, and how to prepare. Tableaux and Scenic Readings. New and novel; for all ages. Twinkling Fingers and Sway- ing Figures. For little tots. Yuletide Entertainments. A choice Christmas collection. MINSTRELS, JOKES Black American Joker. Minstrels' and end men's gags- A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. Monologues, stump speeches, etc. Laughland, via the Ha-Ha Route. A merry trip for fun tourists. Negro Minstrels. All about the business. The New Jolly Jester. Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. Large Illustrated Catalogue Free T.S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers, 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago t