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 FROM 
 
 UNDER 
 
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 WRITTEN BY 
 
 Old-Time Editors and Reporters of the Tribune, 
 
 u. S. A, 
 
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 PUBLISHED BY FAY & COX, 
 
 No. 183 WILLIAM STREET, 
 1872. 
 
Pi 
 
 
 tza 
 
 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the 3^ear 1872, 
 
 By Stephen J. Cox and John B. Wood, 
 
 In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Wasliington. 
 
 PHntecl oy the 
 
 Journeymen Printers' Co-operative A^SQciation, 
 
 30 Beekman Street, New York. 
 
 Fay ff- f'oT, Unyravers, 
 183 Wiltiam St. 
 
Fun from Under the Old White Hat. 
 
 Mr. Greeley's First Great Temperance Lecture. 
 
 The laying of the Atlantic cable was celebrated by a dinner in the 
 Metropolitan Hotel. Many old New York merchants, who had been 
 farmers and country mechanics in their boyhood days, were among the 
 guests. One of the latter was Horace Greeley, who occupied a seat 
 near the presiding officer. Many of the old merchants appeared with 
 old steel watch-guards, and antiquated swallow-tail coats. Mr. Greeley 
 wore his usual claw-hammer. The merchants did not understand the 
 French bill of fare, and, without waiting for the regular course, many 
 of them ordered the waiters to bring up beefsteak. Mr. Greeley fol- 
 lowed suit. When the wine was brought on, the majority of the com- 
 pany drank freely Mr. Greeley placed his hand over his glass, and 
 refused to accept wine, saying that he drank only water. 
 
 Warren Leland, the proprietor of the hotel, felt much chagrined at 
 Mr. Greelej^'s action. He went to him and said: "Now, look here, 
 Horace, this is not treating your old neighbor right. You and I have 
 been farmers for years together. You have borrowed my harrow and I 
 have borrowed your plow. When I wanted a scythe I went to your 
 
FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 *' owl train," and to get that train one had to cross the Delaware River 
 in a row-boat, and there was but one boatman. He was easily secured, 
 and that route was blocked. The telegraph was kept open at a fee of 
 $2 an hour ; but that gave a privilege only, not an exclusive right. It 
 was near midnight, and now Mr. Colston's business was to get rid of 
 the other reporters. He began playing ten-pins, purposely lost every 
 game, treated his brethren of the press to milk punches on each game, 
 but took soda himself, on the plea of sickness. The reporters tiring of 
 the ten-pins, he proposed to read the book of four kings, and so they 
 played cards. Mr. Colston went out at 1 o'clock a. m., and reported 
 no agreement, and prospect dim. The other reporters grew sleepy 
 under their repeated punches, and after exacting from the barkeeper 
 a solemn promise that he would call them as soon as the jury rendered 
 their verdict, they went to bed. In a short time the doors were opened 
 — the jury was in the hall — it was near three o'clock on Saturday morn- 
 ing, and the jury had agreed. Leaving the other Tribune reporter os- 
 tensibly to copy the verdict, and thus mislead the other reporters, Mr. 
 Colston walked up behind a juryman, wiiose confidence he had gained, 
 and the latter slipped the verdict, which he had written, into his hands. 
 Mr. C quietly slipped out of the room, and made good time to the tele- 
 graph office in the same building, and directed the operator to send it 
 through instantly. He then went into the bar-room, and said to the 
 jurors, "Come, gentlemen, jow have had a long siege; let us take 
 drinks all round." As soon as the barkeeper finished one job, Mr. C. 
 called again to keep the liquor-mixer busy. Hearing him say he " must 
 call those reporters," Colston crowded into the passage at the end of 
 the bar, saying, "Bar-tender, you have been hard worked night and 
 day, and so have I. Let's you and I have a square drink together," 
 j and they did. It was now half an hour after the jury's return, and the 
 I other Tribune man signalled to Mr. Colston that the verdict was through, 
 ; and the telegraph otfice closed. It was daylight, and one of the sleep}'- 
 i reporters had arisen. Looking into the street he saw Mr. Rogers, the 
 i foreman of the jury, plodding homeward. Throwing up the window, 
 i he cried out, "Have j'ou agreed '?" "Oh, yes," said Mr. R., who was 
 i eminently a joker, " do you want the verdict ? If you do, get the New 
 ! York Tribune — that will be up in the morning train." We will not try 
 to express the feelings of the reporters of the Herald and Times. Some, 
 on their return to the city, were discharged, and some were forgiven. 
 ! The extra cost of this triumph for the Tribune was put into the general 
 1 account as "for Avhisky and expenses, $60." When Mr. Greelc}^ heard 
 i of it he asked "Ott" to "rise and explain." That was easy to do, 
 i though the diabolical particulars were not then divulged. Mr. Greeley 
 I (quieted doM^i by sajing, " That's an awful whiskj^ bill, and for Jersey 
 j lightning. It's the first one the Tribune ever had ; but I guess we must 
 ! pay it." 
 
 Horace and a Friend Drinking Brandy and Water. 
 
 In June, 1858, the first annual excursion party of the New Jersey Edi- 
 torial Association started from Jersey City for Paterson. The party 
 included sixteen carriage-loads of editors and roporters, among them 
 
FUN FRO^r UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 Horace Greeley. It was a sultry, dusty day, and the procession halted 
 at the half-way house to water and rest the horses. After an ample 
 collation, which was in waiting, followed the champagDc, and soon all 
 were merry drinking. In the height of the feast a wag ^stepped up to 
 Mr. Greeley, who was standing infront of the bar, and, siuppiug liim 
 on the back, in a loud tone said : " Horace, let's .you and me take a glass 
 of brandy and water." Mr. Greeley replied : "Yes, you can take the 
 brandy, iind I will take the water ;" and as they did so the bar-room 
 rang with laughter. 
 
 Horace Treats. 
 
 One evening in November, 1831, while the young economist was 
 working in the printing-house in Chatham street, he astonished his 
 fellow-workmen by marching into the office encased in a new suit of 
 clothes. There was no mistake about it. Horace had seen a second- 
 hand clothes dealer, and been made outwardly another man. Slowly 
 and with a dignified step he marched up to the imposing stone, about 
 which the men Avere gathered, and looking down complacently upon 
 his new suit, said, as he waved his hands aloft : 
 
 "Well, bo.ys, and how do you like me now ?" 
 
 " Why, it's Greeley," shouted one of the men. 
 
 They gave him three rousing cheers and laughed and turned him 
 about. Finally, one of them reminded him of the ancient tax which 
 has been levied from time immemorial upon new suits. He said : 
 
 "■ Greeley, you must treat upon that suit." 
 
 " Yes, yes, a treat," shouted one and all. 
 
 "Come along, boys, I'll treat," said the good-natured Horace. 
 
 They adjourned to the old grocery on the corner of Duane street. 
 There the boys drank w^hatever suited them, Horace indulging in 
 spruce beer. 
 
 The suit cost him five dollars. No record exists of the cost of the 
 treat. 
 
 A Maine Law Story. 
 
 Mr. Greeley tells some piquant stories in his temperance speeches. 
 Here is one of them : 
 
 " Wo don't sell spirits," said a law-evading beer-seller ; "we will give 
 you a glass ; and then, if you want a biscuit, we'll sell it to }■ ou for six 
 cents." The " good creature " was handed down, a stiff glass swallowed, 
 and the landlord gave his customer a biscuit. "Well, no, I think not," 
 said the customer ; "you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots of 'cm five or 
 six for two cents anywhere else." 
 
 What Horace Knows About Wines. 
 
 Several j'ears ago a dinner was given in the Astor House, at which 
 the speeches touched upon some of the important interests of the day. 
 The unsophisticated Horace noticed the banquet editorially, winding 
 
FUK FROM UXDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 up ^villl a sharp allusion to the convivial character of the party, naming 
 Heidsick and champagne as among the liquors disposed of. When he 
 entered the editorial room the next morning several editors were at 
 Avork who had noticed their chief's amusing blunder. Mr. Charles A. 
 Dana, then managing editor of the Tribune, rallied him upon his inno- 
 cence in making Heidsick and champagne two wines. Looking blandly 
 upon his co-workers, Mr. Greeley retorted : "Did I do that ? Well, I 
 guess I am the only man in this office that could have made that mis- 
 take." 
 
 Mr. Greeley on Election Night. 
 
 No other man in this country has such extensive knowledge of politi- 
 cal statistics as Horace Greeley, His memory of bygone votes is pro- 
 digious ; from the days of Jackson and Adams he has a clear remem- 
 brance of every important election, who were the candidates and how 
 the people voted. To see Horace in his perfect element one must be 
 near him on the night of a general election. He will work all day at 
 the polls — a man who does not vote some ticket he detests, and he has 
 never failed to vote and try to get otlxers to do so. Before any returns 
 
fuinT from under the old white hat. 
 
 arrive, lie will be at his desk. As they are received they are forthTvith 
 
 sent to him. If they show no particular change, he will run them over 
 
 with current comment, such as " We gain ten in Milford," '' There's a 
 
 small loss in Xaugatuck — the railroad strike hurt us," and so on, rapidly 
 
 making a table comparing with a previous vote. Here comes another 
 
 j dispatch ; " Igh, eh-ha," he mutters — that signifies an unexpected loss. 
 
 j A third dispatch, Avith a large list of gains : " IIoo ! " startles the by- 
 
 I stander, avIio looks around for Indians ; " Wha-hoo-oo" again, starting 
 
 I the very roof ; and tliese fearful bursts continue at intervals until the 
 
 i list is comi)lete ; then he grabs his pen and settles down with a chuck- 
 
 i ling laugh and the satisfactory expression, " AV'e've got 'em sure." Of 
 
 I a loss where Mr. Greeley rather disliked his party candidate, he would 
 
 I say, with a comical smile, " That lioss is dead — his eyes is sot." 
 
 M.mw- 
 
 
 A Newspaper Beai. 
 
 Mr. Greeley lives and votes in AVestchester County, X. Y. , and elec- 
 tion returns from that county stand in his view as the most important 
 facts that ever did, do, or can exist. A faihire to get the county can- 
 vass promptly by any sub-editor c-harged with the duty would cost the 
 delinquent his head. One year " Ott " sent the same Mr. Colston who 
 had done Camden and Amboy, to get this canvass. On the way to 
 AV'hite Plains he heard of a terrible accident on the Harlem road in 
 which lives had been lost. He left the canvass to itself, pushed on to 
 
10 FUN FRO^r UXDEli THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 the scene of the accident, near Chatham Four Corners, where, on a 
 sharply curving embankment, a gale had actually blown a train from 
 the track. Several cars had been wrecked, and many lives had been 
 lost. Mr. Colston gathered all the facts and pushed homeward, 
 arriving shortly after midnight. At White Plains he learned that the 
 Supervisors had done little more than organize as canvassers and ad- 
 journ. The Tribune was the only newspaper in New York that had an 
 account of the railroad accident ; but there was no report, save a line 
 or so, of the Westchester County canvass, while some other journals 
 had a paragraph. Mr. Greeley called Mr. Colston up and gave him the 
 severest tongue-chastisement that a reporter ever sutfered. He (Mr. 
 G.) didn't care for the accident ; he wanted the Westchester figures, 
 and here the Tribune had been beaten all to nothing in his own county. 
 He berated poor Colston so roundly that Mr. John F. Cleveland, editor 
 of the Tribune Almanac, felt impelled to remonstrate. Mr. Greeley, 
 on second thought, made an apology which did credit to his heart as 
 well as his head. 
 
 \ 
 
 Horace's Initials. 
 
 " Tell the man this is'nt 109," said an uptown landlady to her ser- 
 vant, to whom Horace had given his card with the modest initials, " H. 
 G." And the card was sent down stairs to ]\Ir. Greeley. He looked at 
 his hierogl5i3hics, saw the point, quietly bade the servant tell her mis- 
 tress it was Mr. Greeley and soon the whole household had a hearty 
 laucch over it. 
 
 Where Horace Had General Webb. 
 
 One of the " good things" of 3Ir. Greeley dates from 1844. In that 
 
 year, James Watson AVebb's Courier and Enquirer was a ponderous, if 
 
 not a powerful, newspaper, and Gen. Webb delighted in "prodding" 
 
 Mr. Greeley. Finally, a gratuitous attack upon the "Philosopher," 
 
 i for his carelessness in apparel, awoke Horace and ended in squelching 
 
 I Webb. Mr. Greeley wrote thus : 
 
 I " As to our personal appearance, it does seem time that we should 
 i say something. Some donkey, a while ago, apparently anxious to assail 
 i or annoy the editor of this paper [the Tribune], and not well knowing 
 I with what, originated the story of his carelessness of personal appear- 
 I ance, and since then, every blockhead of the same disposition, and dis- 
 I tressed by a similar lack of ideas, has repeated and exaggerated the 
 foolery. * * * * 
 
 " That the editor of the Tribune ever affected eccentricity is most 
 untrue : and, certainly, no costume he ever appeared in would create 
 
FUX FROM UNDER THE OLD WIIITE HAT. 11 
 
 sucli a sensation in Broadway as tliat James Watson Webb would liave 
 worn but for the clemency of Governor ISeward. Heaven ^rant our 
 assailant may never hang with such weight on another AVhig Executive. 
 AVe drop him!" 
 
 Pivotal Point in Horace's Life. 
 
 In 1837, jVIr. Edward H. Purdy bought the Jefferson County Democrat 
 of Mr. Howe, who, two years before that date, had been one of Horace 
 Greeley's fellow-workmen on William T. Porter's Spirit of tlie Timei*. 
 As Mr. Purdy intended to change the Democrafs politics, and make it 
 the Jefferson County Whig, lie naturally began his work of transforma- 
 tion by clearing away all the old manuscripts, and in doing so he found 
 a letter from Mr. Greeley, in reply to Mr. Howe's offer of a one-half 
 interest in the Democrat. Horace said that he had just returned from 
 an extended visit to his relatives in New Hampshire, and that he had 
 spent all the money he had saved in the Spirit of tlie Times office. *' But 
 for that," continued Horace, "I would gladly have accepted your offer 
 of a half of t\vi Jefferson County Democrats The spending of all his 
 money in New Hampshire was certainly the most satisfactory joke in 
 Mr. Greeley's eventful life, since through it he escaped an inglorious 
 career of drudgery in the dead and never-to-be-revived village of Sack- 
 ett's Harbor. 
 
 Starting on Nothing. 
 
 A young man, who used to do what he called *' newspaper work," 
 thinking he had captured a grand idea out of which he "knew" he 
 could make a fortune if he only had the money to start with, found his 
 wa}^ to Mr. Greeley one evening, from whom he hoped to be able to bor- 
 row a trifle. He unfolded his plans, and gave a very flattering estimate 
 of the grand prospects he had, finishing up with the suggestion that if he 
 (Mr. G.^ would accommodate him with say a hundred dollars, he would 
 refund it promptly with handsome interest. Mr. Greeley advised him 
 Avhateverhe did not to start by getting into debt, and the best thing he 
 could do in view of his being so certain about his prospects, was to go 
 to work and save a hundred dollars, which would enable him not only 
 to save the interest but also to feel independent. The young man's 
 mind was overflowing with obstacles on the " working " part of the 
 question, which Mr. G. tried to solve by telling him the story of a 
 Yankee who lately settled down in the West : 
 
 " He went to a neighbor and thus accosted him: * Wal, I reckon you 
 hain't got no old hen, or nothing you'd lend me for a few weeks, have 
 you neighbor ? ' 'I will lend you one with pleasure,' replied the gentle- 
 man, picking out the very finest one in the coop. The Yankee took the 
 hen home and then went to another neighbor and borrowed a dozen 
 eggs. He then set the hen, and in due course of time she hatched a 
 dozen chickens. The Yankee was again puzzled ; he could return the 
 hen, but how was he to return the eggs? Another idea. He would 
 keep the hen until she had laid a dozen eggs. This he did, and then 
 returned the hen and eggs to their respective owners, remarking as he 
 
13 FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 did so: * Wal, I reckon I've got as fine a dozen chickens as you ever laid 
 your e^^es on, and they didn't cost me a cent, nuther.'" 
 
 Tlie young man expressed the opinion that the Yankee was not strict!}^ 
 honorable. Mr. G. expressed the same opinion, and the solicitous 
 young genius bade Mr. Greeley good night. 
 
 The Cost of Horace's Cleanliness. 
 
 While Mr. Greeley was traveling in Italy, in 1851, the diligence 
 stopped one morning at Chambery, Savoy, for breakfast. The bill of 
 the veteran journalist was a half franc greater than that of his fellow- 
 travelers. When the journey was resumed, Mr. Greeley turned to a 
 gentleman and said : 
 
 "Neighbor, why was I charged three francs for breakfast, and the 
 rest of you but two and a half V " 
 
 " Don't know ; perhaps you had tea or coffee." 
 
 " iSTo, sir ; don't drink either." 
 
 " Then perhaps you washed 5^our face and hands ? " 
 
 " Well, it would be just like me." 
 
 " Oh, then, that's it. The half franc was for the basin and towel." 
 
 "Ah, Old. Old ; so the milk in that cocoanut is accounted for." 
 
 That White Coat. 
 
 Mr. Greeley's white coat is historical. He speaks of it to an intimate 
 friend thus : 
 
 " People suppose it's the same old coat, but it isn't. The original 
 
FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 13 
 
 white coat came from Ireland. An emii2:rant brought it out. He 
 wanted money and I wanted a coat ; so I bought it of him for $20, and 
 it was the best coat I ever liad. Tliey do work well in the old countries 
 — not in such a hurr}^ as we do." 
 
 Horace Eating to Live. 
 
 In 1840 Mr. Greeley w^as invited to tea. He was delayed by some 
 means, and did not appear until the guests had all eaten. He became 
 at once engaged in the discussion of the currency question. The land- 
 lady tried to jDersuade him to take some tea. He waved her ofl' and 
 continued to talk on his then pet subject. 
 
 *' Take a cruller, any way," she said, presenting a cake-basket filled 
 with these articles. 
 
 He put forth his hand and took, not a cruller, but the basket, deposit- 
 ing it in. his lap. He kept on talking. After a time his hand, with 
 which he was gesticulating, touched a cruller. He took it up, and 
 began eating, talking all the while of currency. He finished the cruller, 
 and began another, and so on until all had been eaten, the guests mean- 
 while laboriously restraining themselves from laughing outright. 
 
 His liostess was in a fever of exrdtement. She knew that crullers, 
 absorbed in large quantities, were noxt to indigestible. She had heard 
 
14 
 
 FUN FROM UXDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 that claeese liberally eaten would counteract their effect. The question 
 was how to get Horace to eat the cheese without reminding him of his 
 extraordinary feed with the crullers. A lucky thought came to her 
 relief. She took the empty basket and put in its place a plate of cheese. 
 Jlorace was, meanwhile, expounding his views on the currency question. 
 He saw nothing of the change. Slowly the cheese disappeared as the 
 crullers had done, and the great economist was saved the liorror of an 
 attack of dyspepsia. Horace never knew of this little episode, but the 
 guests enjoyed it hugely. 
 
 You Can Call Again. 
 
 One of the ever5^-day features of Mr. Greeley's life is his reception of 
 applicants for pecuniary aid. The time-worn politician is the most 
 prolific in arguments. It is he who sorely tries Mr. Greeley's temper. 
 One instance is as good as many. One day during the war an incorri- 
 gible genius, in the way of appeal, stood behind 3Ir. G. as he was busily 
 disposing of his correspondence, and thus delivered himself : 
 
 " Mr. Greeley, I come to you with a frankness inspired by dire neces- 
 sity to ask that you will, in the great generosity of your heart of hearts, 
 appropriate a dollar out of j^our ever-increasing resources to the glorious 
 object of relieving one who never forgets a kindness, even when admin- 
 istered to his dog. " 
 
 H. O. ''You're drunk!" 
 
 Applicant. " Mr. Greeley, you are honest, but profoundly mistaken." 
 
 II. G. "I tell you, you '"re drunk ! " 
 
FUN FRO.AI UKDER THE OLD WHITE IIAT. 
 
 Applicant. "You hear mc, but see me not." 
 
 //. G. *' Go away, and come when 3'ou are sober." 
 
 Applicant. "Horace! Boundless intemperance 
 In nature is a tyranny ; it hatli been 
 The untimely emptying of the happy throne 
 The fall of many kings. But fear not yet 
 To take upon you what is j^ours ; you may 
 Convey j^our pleasures in a spacious plenty 
 And 3^ct seem cold. " 
 
 n. G. " That is whisky that is talking, I know it is." 
 Applicant, "Mr. Greeley, you're mistaken ; it is Shakespeare." 
 II. G. "Well, shake yourself out and come some other time; you 
 ought to be ashamed." 
 Applicant. " And when I call again, may I expect succor ? " 
 H. G. "I didn't call you a sucker." 
 
 How Horace Answers Beggars. 
 
 Mr. Greeley is run down with begging letters.* The following is a 
 sample : 
 
 "Dear Sir: In your extensive correspondence you have undoubt. 
 edly secured several autographs of the late distinguished American 
 poet, Edgar A. Poe. If so, will 5^ou please favor me with one, and 
 oblige, Yours, respectfully, A. B." 
 
 To which Horace sent the following answer : 
 
 ' ' Dear Sir : I happen to have in my possession but one autograph 
 of the late distinguished American poet, Edgar A. Poe. It consists of 
 an I. O. U., with my name on the back of it. It cost me just $51.50, 
 and you can have it for half price. Yours, Horace Greeley." 
 
 Horace on the Borrowers. 
 
 Speaking of the unnumbered beggars and borrowers who had an- 
 noj-^ed him, Mr. Greeley once said : 
 
 "I consider it almost an axiom that he who asks a stranger to lend 
 him mone}'^ will never pay it. Yet I have known an exception. Once, 
 when I was exceedingly poor and needy, in a season of commercial 
 revulsion or panic, I opened a letter from Utica and found therein five 
 dollars, which the writer asked me to receive in satisfaction of a loan 
 of that sum which I had made him, a need}^ stranger, on an occasion 
 which he recalled to my remembrance. Per^Dlexed by so unusual a 
 message, and especially by receiving it at such a time, when every one 
 was seeking to borrow — no one condescending to pay — I scanned the 
 letter more closel}^ and at length achieved a solution of the problem. 
 The writer was a patient in the State Lunatic Asylum." 
 
16 
 
 FrN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 The True Philosopher's Stone. 
 
 Mr. Greeley's peculiarities of dress developed themselves at an earl 3- age. 
 He was always rather shabbily clad, though always decently. During 
 his apprenticeship he belonged to a debating society. One night he was 
 to lead otf on one of the sides in a ])ublic deliate. A companion, whose 
 dress was always elegant and whose " accounts" were correspondingly 
 embarrassed, remonstrated with him and advised him to ^Cv anew suit 
 for the occasion. 
 
 "Xo, said Horace, "I guess Td better wear my old clothes tlian run 
 in debt for new ones." 
 
 Mr. Greeley a Convict in Nev/ York. 
 
 Early risers in Ts"ew York have frequently noticed the processions of 
 prisoners on their war fr(nn tlie police courts to the boat which trans- 
 ports them to BlackwelTs Island. One morning, while :Mr. Greeley 
 was walking down Fourth avenue, he was unconsciously entangled in 
 one of these gangs of wretched lirisoners. At the point where it turned 
 olftogo to the boat, Mr. Greeley pursued his onward course, whereat 
 one of the officers having charge" of the prisoners roughly said to him, 
 "Get in the line there, old uum !" Horace, really puzzled, retortetl, 
 "I am going down town." "Come, old man," said the officer (still 
 mistaking him for a prisoner), " we don't want any of your airs, but 
 
FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 17 
 
 just move on." " But I must go down town and attend to my business," 
 said the philosopher. "Oh, what business have you got down town ? " 
 queried tlie officer ; "come, get along with you." ''Why, I am Mr. 
 Greeley, editor of the Tribune, and I'have work to do." The officer 
 called one of the policemen assisting him, and told him the story about 
 this prisoner, and with his forefinger tapping his forehead, and looking 
 significantly at Mr. Greeley, said, "He's a" bad case — he's a goner." 
 Just then a reporter passed, and at a glance taking in INIr. Greeley's 
 predicament, told the officers how ludicrous a blunder they had com- 
 mitted. The policemen apologized, and Horace, hurrying to his desk, 
 wrote a racy article on prison reform. 
 
 At Home under Certain Circumstances. 
 
 One night in the spring of 1853, while Dave Rhoades stood behind 
 the counter in the publication office, in stumbled a poor, half-drunk 
 printer, whom rum had thrown out of employment. He had just been 
 up stairs and borrowed five dollars of Horace, and now he was down 
 stairs boasting of it. 
 
 " I struck the old man for a fiver ; how 's that ? " And he rung the 
 changes of self-congratulation until Mr. Greeley himself stepped into 
 the publication office. Instantly the able borrower approached him as 
 though he had never seen him before, and coolly asked for five dollars. 
 Mr. Greeley, mistaking the applicant for another, said : 
 
 " I let you have five dollars three months ago, and you promised to 
 come and pay me back in a week." 
 
 Applicant. " I have called upon you several times, but couldn't find 
 you in." 
 
 //. G. "Yes; you never find me when you have money to pay me, 
 but you take good care to find me when you want five dollars." 
 
 Horace in Prison in Paris. 
 
 After an importunate Parisian creditor of the defunct New York 
 Crystal Palace Association (of which Mr. Greeley was a director) had 
 thrown him into Clichy Prison — the Ludlow street Jail of Paris — the 
 great editor's imperturbable good humor was conspicuously shown in the 
 following inimitable letter to the Tribune : 
 
 " I had been chosen defendant in several libel suits, and been flattered by the 
 information that my censures were deemed of more consequence than that of 
 other people, and should be paid for accordingly. I had been through twenty 
 of our States, yet never have been in a jail outside of New York ; and over 
 half Europe, yet never looked into one. Hare I had been seeing Paris for the 
 last six weeks ; visiting this sight, then tha% till there seemed little remaining 
 worth looking at or after, yet I had never once thought of Ljoking into a debtor's 
 prison. I should probably have gone away next week, as ignorant in that re- 
 gard as I came, when cii'cumstances favored me most unexpectedly with an in- 
 side view of this famous " Maison do Detention," or Prison for Debtors, 70 Eue 
 de Clichy. I think what I have seen here, fairly told, must be instructive and 
 interesting, and I suppose others will tell the story if I do not, and I don't know 
 
18 rU2^ FROM UNDER f HE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 any one whose opportunities will enable him to toll it so accurately as 1 can. 
 So here goes. 
 
 "I had been down at the Palace of Industry, and returned to my lodgings, 
 when, a little before four o'clock yesterday afternoon, four strangers called for me. 
 By the help of my courier, I soon learned that they had a writ of arrest for me, 
 at the suit of one Mons. Lechesne, sculptor, affirming that he sent a statue to 
 the New York Palace Exhibition, at or on the way to which it had been broken, 
 so that it could not be (at all events it had not been) restored to him, wherefore 
 he asked of me, as a director and representative of the Crystal Palace Associa- 
 tion, to pay him " douze millo francs," or $2,500. Not happening to have the 
 change, and no idea of paying the demand if I had, I could only signify those 
 facts ; whereupon they told me that I was under arrest, and must go with them, 
 which 1 willingly did. We drove circuitously to the sculptor's residence, at the 
 other end of Paris, waited his convenience for a long half houi*, and then went 
 to the President Judge, who had issued the writ. I briefly explained to him 
 my side of the case, and then he asked me if I wished to give bail. I told him 
 I would give good bail for my appearance at court at any time, but that I knew 
 no one in Paris whom I felt willing to ask to become my security for the pay- 
 ment of so large a sum as $2,500, After a little parly I named Judge Piatt, 
 United States Secretary of Legation, as one who, I felt confident, Avould recog- 
 nize for my appearance when wanted ; and this suggestion met with universal 
 assent. Twice over I carefully explained that I preferred going to prison to 
 asking any friend to give bail for the payment iu any case of this claim, and 
 knew I was fully understood. So we all except the judge drove off together to 
 the Legation. There we found Judge Piatt, who readily agreed to recognize as 
 I required ; but now the plaintiff and his lawyer refused to accept him as secu- 
 rity in any way, alleging that he was privileged from arrest by his office. He 
 offered to give his check on Greene & C6., bankers, for the 12,000 francs in dis- 
 pute as security for my appearance, but they would not have him in any shape. 
 While we were chaffering Mr. Maunsell B. Field, United States Commissioner 
 in the French Exposition, came along and offered to join Mr. Piatt in the recog- 
 nizance, but nothing would do. Mr. F. then offered to raise the money de- 
 manded, but I said no ; if the agreement before the judge was not adhered to 
 by the other side I would give no bail whatever, but go to prison. High words 
 ensued, and the beginning of a scuffle, iu the midst of which I half uncon- 
 sciously descended from the carriage. Of course I was ordered back instanter, 
 and obeyed as soon as I understood the order, but wo were aU by this time losing 
 temper. As putting me in jail would simply secure my forthcoming when 
 wanted, and as I was ready to give any amount of security for this, Avhich the 
 other side had once agreed to take, I thought they were rather crowding 
 matters in the course they were taking. So, as I was making my friends rather 
 late for a pleasant dinner-party at the Trois Freres, where I had expected to 
 join them, I closed the discussion by insisting we should drive off. 
 
 Crossing the Avenue Champs Elysees the next moment, our horses struck 
 another horse, took fright, and ran untd reined up against a tree, disabling the 
 concern. My cortege of officers got out ; I attempted to follow, but was thrust 
 back very roughly, and held in with superfluous energy, since they had had 
 abundant opportunity to see that I had no idea of getting away from them. I 
 had, in fact, evinced ample determination to enjoy their delightful society to 
 the utmost. At last they had to transfer me to another carriage, but they made 
 such a parade of it, and insisted on taking hold of me so numerously and 
 fussily (this being just the most thronged and conspicuous locality in Paris), 
 that I came near losing my temper again. We got along, however, and in due 
 time arrived at this spacious, substantial, secure estabhshment, No. 70 Eue do 
 Clichy. 
 
 I was brought, in through three or four heavy iron doors, to the office of the 
 governor, where I was properly received. Here I was told I must stay till nine 
 o'clock, smce the President Judge had allowed uhtU that hour to find bail. In 
 vain I urged that I had refused to give bail, would give none and wanted to be 
 shown to my cell. I must stay hero until nine o'clock. So I ordered sumethiug 
 
FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 19 
 
 for dinner, and amused myself by looking at the ball-play, etc., of the prisoners 
 in the yard, to whose immunities I was not yet eligible, but I had the privilege 
 of looking in through the barred windows. The yard is one of the best I have 
 seen anywhere, has a good many trees and flowers ; and as the wall is at least 
 fifteen feet high, and another of twenty feet surrounding it, with guards with 
 loaded muskets always pacing between, I should judge the danger of burglary 
 or other annoyances from without to be very moderate. 
 
 My first visitor was Judge Mason, United States Embassador, accompanied 
 by Mr. Kirby, one of the attaches of the Embassy. Judge Mason had heard of 
 my luck from the Legation, and was willing to serve me to any extent and in 
 any manner. I was reminded by my position of the case of the prying Yankee, 
 who undertook to fish out a gratuitous opinion on a knotty point in a lawsuit 
 in which he wasinvolved. "Supposing," said he to an eminent counselor, " you 
 were involved in such and such a difficulty, what would you do?" " Sir," said 
 the counselor, with becoming gravity, "I should take the very best legal advice 
 I could obtain." I told Judge Mason that I wanted neither money nor bail, 
 but a first-rate French lawyer, who could imderstand my statements in Eng- 
 lish, at the very earliest possible moment. Judge Mason left to call upon Mr. 
 i James Munroe, banker, and send me a lawyer as soon as could be. This was 
 I done, but it was eight o'clock on Saturday night, before Avhich hour at this 
 j season most eminent Parisians have left for their country residences, and no 
 
 lawyer of the proper stamp and standing could be or has yet been found. 
 I At the designated horn* I was duly installed and admitted to all the privileges 
 I of CHchy. By ten o'clock all of us lodgers had retired to our several apart- 
 i ments (about eight feet by five), and an obliging functionary came round and 
 } locked out ail rascally intruders. I don't think I ever slept m a place so per- 
 j fectly secure. At six this morning this exti'a protection was withdrawn, and 
 j cacti of us was thenceforth obliged to keep watch over his own valuables. Wo 
 ! imiformly keep good hours hero in Clichy, which is what not many largo hotels 
 1 in Paris can boast of. 
 
 ! The bedroom appointments are not of a high order, as is reasonable, since 
 I we are only charged four sous (cents) per night, washing extra. The sheets 
 I are rather of a hickory order (mine were given to me clean); the bed is in- 
 i diiferent, but I have slept on worse ; the window lacks a curtain or blinds, but 
 \ in its stead there are four strong upright iron bars, which are a perfect safe- 
 j guard against getting up in the night, and pitching or falling out so as to break 
 I your neck, as any one who went out would certainly do. (I am in the fifth or 
 ! highest story.) I have two chairs (one less than 1 am entitled to), two little 
 I tables (probably one of them extra by some mistake), and a cupboard which 
 ■ may once have been clean. The pint wash-bowl and half-pint pitcher, candles, 
 ' etc., I have ordered and pay for. I am a little ashamed to own that my repose 
 I has been indifi'erent ; but then I never do sleep well m a strange place. 
 I Descending to the common room on the lower floor this morning, I find there 
 I an American (from Boston) , who has met mo often, and knew me at once, though 
 i I could not have called him by name. Ho seemed rather amazed to meet me 
 j here (I believe he last saw me"^ at the As tor House), but greeted me very cor- 
 ' dially, and we ordered breakfast for both in my room. It was not a sumptuous 
 ; meal, but we enjoyed it. Next he made mo acquainted with some ol our best 
 i fellow-lodgers, and four of us agreed to dine together after business hours. 
 ; Before breakfast a friend from the outer world (M. Vattemare) had found ac- 
 \ cess to me, though the rules of the prison allow no visitors till ten o'clock. I 
 needed first of all laAvyers, not yet procurable; next law books (American), 
 j Avhich M. Vattemare knew just where to lay his hands on. I had them all on 
 I hand, and my citations looked up long before I had any help to use them. But 
 : let my own aftairs wait a little, till I dispense some of my gleanings in Clichy. 
 i This is perhaps the only largo dwelliug-houso in Paris Avhero no one over 
 ' suffers from hunger. Each person incarcerated is allowed a franc per day to Hve 
 on ; if this is not forthcoming from his creditor, ho is at once turned out to pick 
 up a living for himself as he can. While he remains hero he must have his 
 franc per dav, paid every third day. From this is deducted four sous per day 
 
20 FUN FROM U^tdER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 for his bedding, and one sous for his fire (in the kitchen), leaving him fifteen 
 sous net, and cooking fire paid for. Tiiis will keep him in bread anyhow. But 
 there exists among the prisoners, and is always mamtained, a "philanthropic 
 societ^y," which by cooking altogether, and dividing into messes, is enabled to 
 give to every subscriber to its articles a very fair dinner, for sixteen sous ( eleven 
 cents), and a scantier one for barely nine sous. He who has no friends but the 
 inevitable franc per day, may still have a nine sous dinner almost everyday, 
 and a sixteen sous feast on Sunday, by living on bread and water, or being so 
 sick as not to need anything for two days each week. I regret to say that the 
 high price of food of late has cramped the resources of the "philanthropic 
 society," so that it will be obliged to appeal to the public for aid. I trust it 
 will not appeal in vain. It is an example of the advantage of association, whose 
 benefits no one will dispute. 
 
 I never met a more friendly and social people than the inmates of Clichy. 
 Before I had been up two hours this morning, though most of them speak only 
 French, and I but English, the outhnes of my case were generally known, my 
 character and standing canvassed and dilated on, and I had a dozen fast friends 
 in another hour ; had I been able to speak French, they v.'ould have been a 
 hundred. Of course, we ai'e not all saints here, and make no pretensions to be ; 
 some of us are incorrigible spendthrifts — desperately fast men, hurried to ruin 
 by associations with still faster women — probably some unlucky rogues among 
 us, and very likely a fool or two ; though as a class I am sure my associates 
 will compare favorably in intelligence and intellect with so many of the next 
 men you meet on the "Boulevards or in Broadway. Several of thein are men of 
 decided ability and energy — the temporary victims of other men's rascality, or 
 their own over-sanguine enterprise— sometimes of shipwreck, fire, or other un- 
 avoidable misfortune. A more hearty and kindly set of men I never met in my 
 life than are those who can speak English ; I have acquired important help 
 from three or four of them in copying and translating papers ; and never was I 
 more zealously or effectively aided than by these acquaintances of to-day, not 
 one of whom would I dare 1x) offer money for the service. Where could I match 
 this out of Chchy ? 
 
 Let mo be entirely candid. I say nothing of " Liberty," save to caution out- 
 siders in France to be equally modest, but "Equality and Fraternity" I have 
 found prevailing here more thoroughly than elsewhere in Europe. Still we 
 have not realized the Social Millenium even in Clichy. Some of us were born 
 to gain our living by the hardest and most meagrely rewarded labor ; others to 
 live idly and sumptuously on the earnings of others. Of course, these vices of 
 an irrational and decaying social state are not instantly eradicated by our abrupt 
 removal to this mansion. Some of us cook, while others only know how to eat, 
 and so require assistance in the preparation of our food, as none is cooked or 
 even provided for us, and our intercourse with the outer world is subject to 
 limitations. Those of us who lived generously aforetime and are in for gentle- 
 manly sums, are very apt to have money, which the luckless chaps who are in 
 for a beggarly hundred francs or so, and have no fixed income beyond the franc 
 per day, are very glad to earn by doing us acts of kindness. One of these at- 
 tached himself to mo immediately on my taking possession of my apartment, 
 and proceeded to make my bed, bring me basm and pitcher of water, matches, 
 lights, etc., for which I expect to pay him — these articles being reckoned super- 
 fluities in CUchy. But no such aristocratic distinction as master, no such de- 
 grading appellation as servant is tolerated in this community ; this philanthro- 
 j pic fellow-boarder is known to all as my "auxiliary." "Where has the stupid 
 world outside known how to drape the hard reahties of life with figleaf so 
 grac3ful as this? 
 
 So of all titular distinctions. We pretend to have abjured titles of honor in 
 America, and the consequence is, that everybody has a title, either Honorable, 
 or General, or Colonel, or Eeverend, or at the very least, Esquire. Bat here, in 
 Clichy, all such empty and absurd prefixes are absolutely unknown, even names, 
 Christian or family, are discarded as useless, antiquated lumber. Every lodger 
 is known by the name of his room only ; mine is 139, and whenever a friend 
 
FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 calls, a "conim'csionairG " comes in from the outer apartmouts to the great 
 hall sacred to om- common vise, aud begins calling out V cent-trente-neuf" (pho- 
 netically san-tran-nuf ) at the top of his voice, and goes on yelling as he clnnbs, 
 in the hope of finding or calling me short of ascending to'my lifth-story sanc- 
 tuary. To nine- tenths of my comrades I am only known as "san-tran-nuf." 
 My auxiliary is No 54, and when I need his aid, I go singing " sankan-cat," 
 after the same fashion. Equality being thus rigidly preserved in spite of slight 
 diversities of fortune, the jealousies, rivalries and heart-burnings which keep 
 the rest of mankind in a ferment are here absolutely unknown. I never before 
 talked so much with so mauy people, intimately acquainted with each other, 
 without hearing something said or insinuated to' one another's prejudice ; here 
 there is nothing of the sort. Some folks outside are here fitted with characters 
 Avhich they would hardly consider flattering ; some laws and usages get the 
 blessings they richly deserve — but among ourselves all is harmony and good 
 will. How would Meurice's, the Hotel de Ville, or even the Tuileiies, like to 
 compare notes with us on this head? 
 
 Our social intercourse with outsiders is under most enlightened regulations. 
 A person calls who wishes to see one of us, and is thereupon admitted through 
 two or three doors, but not within several feet of us. Here he gives his card 
 and two sous to a commissionaire to take it to No. — , of whom the interview is 
 solicited. No. — being found, takes the card, scrutinizes it, and if he chooses 
 to see the expected visitor, writes a request for his admission. This is taken 
 to a functionary who grants the request, and the visitor is then brought into a 
 sort of neutral reception room, outside of the prison proper, but a good way 
 inside of the hall wherein the visitor has hitherto tarried. But let the lodger 
 say no, and the visitor must instantly walk out with a very tall flea in his ear. 
 So perfect an arrangement for keeping duns, bores (writ writers) even, and all 
 such enemies of human happiness at a distance, is found scarcely anywhere 
 else— at all events not in editors' rooms, I am sure of that. But yesterday an 
 old resident here, who ought to have been up to trap, Avas told that a man 
 wished to see him a moment at the nearest grate, and being completely off his 
 guard, he went immediately down, without observing or requiring the proper 
 formalities, and was instantly served with a fresh writ. "Sir," said he with 
 proper indignation to the sneak of an officer, who had doubtless made his way 
 in here by favor or bribery, "if you ever serve me that trick again you will go 
 out of here half killed." "However, ho had mainly his own folly to*^blame ; he 
 should have stood upon his reserved rights, and bade the outsider send up his 
 card like a gentleman, if he aspired to a gentleman's society. 
 
 And this brings mo to the visiting-^oom, where I have seen very many friends 
 during the day, including two United States Ministers, besides almost every 
 ne belonging to our Legation here, three bankers, and nearly all the Ameri- 
 cans I know in Paris, but not one French lawyer of the standing required, for 
 it seems impossible to find one in Paris to-day. This room can hardly be called 
 a parlor, all things considered ; but it has been crowded all day (ten to six) with 
 wives and female friends, visiting one or another of us insiders'— perhaps it may 
 be most accurately described as the kissing room. I should like to speak of 
 the phases of life here from hour to hour presented— of the demonstrations of 
 fervent affection, the anxious consolations, the confidential whisperings, and 
 the universal desire of each hasty tete-a-tete to respect the sacredness of others' 
 confidence, so that fifteen or twenty couples converse here by the hour within a 
 space of thirty feet by twenty, yet no one knows, because no one -wishes to know, 
 what any other couple are saying. But I must hurry over all this, or my letter 
 will never have an end. Formerly Clichy was in bad repute on account of the 
 facility wherewith all manner of females called upon and mingled with the male 
 lodgers of the inner sanctum. All this, however, has been corrected, and no 
 woman is now admitted beyond the kissing room, except on an express order 
 from the Prefecture of Police, which is granted to only the well-authenticated 
 wife or child of an inmate. The female prison is an entirely separate wing of 
 the building. The enforcement of this rule is most rigid, and, while I am not 
 inclined to be vainglorious, and do not doubt that other large domiciles in Paris 
 
22 FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 are models of propriety and virtue, yet this I do say, that the domestic morals 
 of Clichy may safely challenge a comparison with those of Paris generaUy. I 
 might put the case more strongly, but it is best to keep within the truth. 
 
 So with regard to hquor. They keep saying there is no prohibitory law in 
 France ; but they mistake if Clichy is in France. No ardent spirits are brought 
 into this well-regulated establishment unless for medical use, except in express 
 violation of the law ; and the search and seizure clauses here are a great deal 
 more rigorous and better enforced than in Maine. I know a little is smuggled 
 in notwithstanding, mainly by officials, for money goes a great way in France ; 
 but no woman comes in without being felt all over (by a woman) for concealed 
 bottles of liquor. There was a small flask on our (private) dinner-table to-day, 
 of Avhat was called brandy, and smelt like a compound of spirits of turpentine 
 and diluted aquafortis (for adulteration is a vice which prevails even here), but 
 not a glass is now smuggled in where a gallon used to come in boldly under the 
 protection of the law. Wine being here esteemed a necessary, is allowed in 
 moderation, no inmate to have more than one bottle per day, either of ten sous 
 or twenty sous wine, accoi^ding to his taste and means— no better and no more. 
 I don't defend the consistency of these regulations ; we do some things better 
 in America than even in Clichy ; but here drunkenness is absolutely prevented, 
 and riotous living suppressed by a sumptuary law far more stringent than any 
 of our States ever tried. And, mind you, this is no criminal prison, but simply 
 a house of detention for those who happen to have less money thfin others 
 would like to extract from their pockets, many of whom do not pay simply be- 
 cause they do not owe. So if any one tells you again that liquor j)rohibition is 
 a Yankee novelty, just ask him what he knows of Clichy. 
 
 I know that cookery is a point of honor with the French, and rightly, for they 
 approach it with the inspiration of genius. Sad am I to say that I tind no 
 proof of this eminence in Clichy, and am forced to the conclusion that to be in 
 debt, and unable to paj', does not quahfy even a Frenchman in the culinary 
 art. My auxiliary doubtless does his best, but his resources are limited, and 
 fifty fellows dancing around one range, with only a few pots and kettles among 
 them, probably confuses them. Even our dinner to-day (fom* of us, two 
 Yankees, an English merchant, and an Italian banker, dined en^famiUe in No. 
 98), on what we ordered from an out-door restaurant (such are the prejudices 
 of education and habit), and paid fifty sous each for, did not seem to be the 
 thing. The gathering of knives, forks, spoons, bottles, etc., from ISos. 82, 63 
 and 139, to set the common table, was the freshest feature of the spread. 
 
 The sitting was nevertheless a pleasant one, and an Enghshman joined us 
 after the cloth was (figuratively) removed, who was much the cleverest man of 
 the party. This man's case is so instructive that I must make room for it. He 
 has Deen everywhere, and knows every thing ; but is especially strong in chem- 
 istry and metallurgy. A few weeks ago he was a coke-burner at Eouen, doing 
 an immense and profitable business, till a heavy debtor failed, which frightened 
 his partner into running off with all the cash of the concern, and my friend was 
 compelled to stop payment. He called together the creditors, eighty in num- 
 ber (their banker alone was in for 45,000 francs), and said. " Here is my case ; 
 appoint your own receiver, conduct the business wisely, and all will be paid.'' 
 Every man at once assented, and the concern Avas at once put iu train or liqui- 
 dation. But a discharged employee of the concern, at this moment owing it 
 15,000 francs now in judgment, said "Here is my chance for revenge ;" so he 
 had my friend arrested and put here as a foreign debtor, though he had been 
 for years in most extensive business in France, and was, up to the date of his 
 bankruptcy, paying the Government 1,500 francs for annual license for the 
 privilege of employing several hundred Frenchmen in transforming valueless 
 peat into coke. He will get out by-and-by, and may prosecute his persecutor, 
 but the latter is utterly irresponsible ; and meantime a most extensive business 
 is being wound up at Kouen by a receiver, with the only man qualified to over- 
 see and direct the aff^airs in close jail at Paris. This is but one case among 
 many such. I always hated and condemned imprisonment for debt untainted 
 by fraud— above all, for suspicion of debt — but I never knew so well why I hated 
 it as now. 
 
FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 23 
 
 There are other cases and classes very different from this— f;;ay lads, "vrho are 
 working out debts which they never Avoiild have paid otlierwise ; for here in 
 Clichy every man actually adjudged guilty of indebtedness is sentenced to stay 
 a certain terni in the discretion of the court — never more than ten years. The 
 creditors of some would like to coax them out to-morrow, but they are not so 
 soft as to go until the debt is worked out — so far, that is, that they can never 
 again bo imprisoned for it. The first question asked of a newcomer is, " Have 
 you ever been here before?" and if he answers "Yes," the books are consiilted, 
 and if this debt is charged against him, then he is remorselessly turned into 
 the street. No price would i^rocuro such a man a night's lodging in Clichy. 
 Some are here who say their lives were so tormented by duns and writs that 
 they had a friendly creditor put them here for safety from annoyance. And 
 some of our humbler brethren, I am assured, having been once here, and 
 earned four or five francs a day as auxiliaries, with cheap lodgings and a chance 
 to forage off the plates of those they serve, actually get themselves put in be- 
 cause tiiey can do so well nowhere else. A few days since, an auxiliary who 
 had aided and trusted a hard-up Enghshman forty-eight francs on honor (for 
 all debts contracted here are debts of honor purely, and therefore are always 
 paid), received a present of five hundred francs from the grateful oblige, when 
 a few days afterward he received ample funds from his distant resources, naid 
 evervthing and went out with flying colors. 
 
 To return to my own matter, I have all day been convincing one party of 
 friends after another, as they are called, that I do not yet need their generously- 
 profered money or names, that I will put up no security and take no step what- 
 ever until I can consult a good French lawyer, see where I stand, and get a ju- 
 dicial hearing if possible. I know the judge did not mean or expect that I should 
 be sent here when I left his presenee last evening ; I want to be brought before 
 him forthwith on a plea of urgency, which cannot so well be made if I am at 
 liberty. If he says I am properly held in duress, then baiUng out will do little 
 good ; for forty others all about either have or think they have claims ai^'ainst the 
 Crystal Palace for the damage or non-return of articles exhibited ; if I am per- 
 sonally hable to these, all France becomes a prison to me. When I have proper 
 legal advice, I shall know what to do ; until then it is safest to do nothing. 
 Even at the worst, I hate to have any one put up 12,000 francs for me, as several 
 are willing to do, until I am sure there is no alternative. I have seen so much 
 mischief from going security, that I dread to ask it when I can possibly do with- 
 out. "Help one another," is a good rule, but abominably abused. A man in 
 trouble is too apt to fly to his fiiends ; hence half a dozen get in whero there 
 need have been but one. There is no greater device for multiplying misery 
 than misused sympathy. Better first see if you cannot shoulder your own pack. 
 
 Out of Clichy.— Monday Eve., June 4, 1855.— Things have worked to-day 
 very much as I had hoped and calculated. Friends had been active in quest of 
 such lawyers as I needed, and two of the right sort were with me at a seasona- 
 ble horn* this morning. At three o'clock they had a hearing before the judge, 
 and Ave were all ready for it, thanks to friends inside of the gratings as well as 
 out. Judge Piatt's official certificate as to the laws of our State governing the 
 liabihty of corporators has been of vital service to me, and when my lawyers 
 asked, " Where is your evidence that the effects of the New York Association 
 are nowin the hands of areceiver?" I answered, " the gentleman who was talking 
 with me in the visitor's room when you came in and took me away knows that 
 perfectly ; perhaps he is still there." I at once sent for him and found him 
 there. Thus all things conspired for good, and at four o'clock my laAV^'ers and 
 friends came to Clichy to bid me walk out without troubling my friends for any 
 security or deposit whatever. So I guess my last chance of ever learning French 
 is gone by the board. 
 
 Possibly I have given too much prominence to the brighter side of life in 
 CUchy, for that seemed most to need a discoverer ; let me put a little shading 
 into the pictui-e at the finish. There is a fair barber's shop in one cell in Clichy, 
 which was yesterday in full operation ; bo, expecting to be calledpersonally be- 
 for-e the judge, and knowing that I must meet many friends, I walked down 
 
24 
 
 FUN FROM UTTDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 stairs to be sliayecT, and was taken rather aback by the information that the 
 barber had been set at hberty last evening, and there was not a man lelt in this 
 whole concourse of practical abihty able to take his place. So there are imper- 
 fections in the social machinery even in Clichy. Fom-ier was ri^ht ; it will take 
 one thousand seven hundred and twenty-eight persons (the cube of twelve) to 
 form a perfect social phalanx ; hence all attempts to do it with two hundred fail 
 and must fail. We had one hundred and forty-four in Clichy this morning, men 
 of more than average capacity; still there are hitches, as we have seen. 1 
 think I have learned more than in any two previous days of my life. I never 
 was busier ; and yet I should feel that all over a week spent there would be a 
 waste of time. 
 
 Horace Under the Dome of St. Peter's. 
 
 When Mr, Greeley reached Rome in his European trip, in 1851, he 
 had become pretty well versed in the extortion practiced by Italian 
 guides and porters. He reached his room in the hotel, and his two 
 light carpet-bags, which had been taken from him below, were carried 
 up-stairs by a porter who demanded a new fee. 
 
 " Don't 3'ou belong to the hotel ? " asked Horace. 
 
 ''Yes." 
 
 "Then vanish instantl}^" 
 
 A Ten Thousand Dollar Joke. 
 
 One of the most remarkable, and as it maybe regarded most practical, 
 jokes perpetrated by Mr. Greeley during his brilliant career as a journal- 
 ist, was that which, in 1851, cost him $10,000. At that time he was in 
 almost daily conflict with the Herald, which he characterized as the 
 "Satanic press," and he conceived, with the lamented Henry J. Ray- 
 mond, the project of a Conservative newspaper which might steer 
 between the Tnbuiu and Hcrnld., and at the same time help the Tribune 
 to reduce the circulation of the Herald. To this end Mr. Greeley ad- 
 
FUN FROM UIS^DEll Tili] OLD ^VIIITE HAT. 
 
 vanced $10,000 toward establishing the Time^, the agreement being that 
 if further assessments shoidd be necessary, any stockholder declining 
 to pay such assessment, should forfeit the $10,000 which he had already 
 invested. Thus came into being the New York Times, and as that 
 journal sunk 1 150, 000 before it yielded a dollar in dividends, Mr. Greeley 
 lost his $10,000. 
 
 Joe Coburn's Big Hand. 
 
 A day or two after Joe Coburn's great fight with an English pugilist 
 some years ago, Joe was convoyed to the Tribmie oflice, and there 
 formally introduced to Horace Greeley by Mr. Isaac W. England, at 
 that time city editor. Joe took the wrappings of muslin ofT his hand 
 and showed it to the editor-in-chief, who briefly said: "Are 5^011 Joe 
 Cobm-n ? " "Yes, sir." "I judge you hold a strong hand." Exit Joe. 
 
 Mr. Greeley on French Politeness. 
 
 *'Yes, they are," said the Philosopher, " a very polite people ; and 
 not only polite, but extremely hospitable. When I was in Paris they 
 
FVN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 were so careful lest I should come to grief that they locked me up in 
 their State prison, where I should be safe from piokijockets and other 
 
 To Whom it may Concern. 
 
 In his lecture on " Great Men," Mr. Greeley says : 
 
 " It is a sad condition for a man to assume to be so great in his own 
 estimation as to feel it incumbent upon him to appear to the world to 
 know everything, as the probable result is that under such circumstances 
 he would never find time to learn anything. Men may be what they 
 will — asses if they prefer, in which particular I fear many Avill be left 
 without any choice of being anything else. " 
 
 The Rights of a Stump. 
 
 A charge having been made that Mr. Greeley sacrificed right to ex- 
 pedient, he told the following story : 
 
 " How is it, John," said an old farmer, "that j^ou bring the wagon 
 home in such a condition ?" 
 
 "I broke it driving over a stump." 
 
 "Where?" 
 
 *' Back in the woods half a mile or so." 
 
 " But why did you run against the stumi> ? Couldn't you see to drive 
 straiglit ? " 
 
 " i did drive straight, sir ; the stump was in the middle of the road." 
 
 " Why, then, did you not go around it ? " 
 
FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 *' Because, sir, the stuinj) had no right iu the middle of the road and 
 I had a right there." 
 
 "True, John, the stump ought not to have been in the road ; hut I 
 wonder tliat you were so foolish as not to consider that it icas there, and 
 that it was stronger than j^our wagon." 
 
 "Why, father, do you think I am going to yield up my rights ? Xot 
 I. I am determined to stick up to them, come what will." 
 
 '* Well, John, hereafter you must furnish your own wagon." 
 
 Horace Taken for an Idiot. 
 
 Even as a boy, Greeley was remarkable for self-abnegation. He was 
 often buried in thought, and dead to the outside world, for hours. A 
 curious incident is recorded of one of these studies. Young Greeley 
 was accustomed to speak of his father as "Sir." On one occasion, as 
 he was chopping wood by the side of the road, a man rode up and in- 
 quired the way to a distant town. Horace, who was as ignorant as the 
 stranger, referred him to his father, saying : 
 
 ''Ask Sir." 
 
 The stranger repeated his question. 
 
 *' Ask Sir," was the answer. 
 
 " I am asking," roared the man. 
 
 "Wall, ask Sir," was Horace's response. 
 
 " Ain't I asking, you d — d fool ? " 
 
 "But I want you to ask Sir." 
 
 The man rode on to the next tavern, and indignantly asked who that 
 "tow-headed fool " was, down the road. 
 
28 
 
 FUN FROM UKDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 Carpet-Baggers. 
 
 About a .year after the war closed, a Southern gentleman who called 
 on Mr. Greeley made sore complaint of the Nortliern carpet-baggers in 
 his part of the country, describing some ludicrous exploits of Miiich 
 they had been guilty. " Well, well," said Mr. Greeley, "it is often very 
 beneficial for the North that they do go off somewhere. While Tom 
 Corwin was a member of the General Assembly of the State of Ohio, 
 he introduced a bill for the abolition of public punishment at the 
 whipping-post. He made a speech thereon, to which an elderl}- mem- 
 ber replied somewhat as follows : ' Mr. Speaker, the gentleman is not 
 so old as I am. and has never seen so much of the practical operation 
 of the system of punishment which he desires to abolish. When I lived 
 in Connecticut, if a fellow stole a horse, or cut up any other rustles, we 
 used to tie him right up, and give him a real good thrashing ; and he 
 always cleared right out, and we never saw anything more of him. It 
 is the best way of getting rid of rogues that ever was tried, and without 
 expense to the State.' Corwin rose in reply : *Mr. Speaker, I have been 
 often puzzled to account for the A^ast immigration from Connecticut to 
 the West ; but the gentleman last up has explained it to my entire 
 satisfaction.'" 
 
 What Horace Knew about Pigs. 
 
 Horace had a younger brother, who took infinite delight in throwing 
 stones at an obstinate pig, Avho would persist in traveling the wrong 
 way. Horace's heart always turned toward the dumb ' animals. It 
 
FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 pained him to see piggy tortured. He remonstrated with his brotlier, 
 and this is the course of reasoning lie pursued in his eiglitli year : 
 
 "Now, you oughtn't to throw stones at that hog — he don't kiww any- 
 thing." 
 
 Mr. Greeley Warming his Toes. 
 
 Twenty years ago the Tribune office was heated by an old-fashioned 
 hot-air furnace, sending its blasts through wooden tubes about one foot 
 square into the various rooms, the quantity being regulated by wooden 
 gates sliding across the tubes. On Sunday there was no heat until 
 "Pat " fired up in the evening. On a bitter February Sunday morning 
 Mr. Greeley hurried into the editorial room, his hands and pockets full 
 of papers, pulled a chair to the place in the wall whence the heat should 
 have come, kicked the slide away, and stuck as much of his feet as he 
 could into the wooden tube. Of course it was cold and not hot air that 
 came out, but the philosopher was absorbed in the Herald (not then an 
 over-civil neighbor), and did riot realize his mistake. Soon Mr. William 
 M. Newman, then ship-news editor of the Tribune, entered, and seeing 
 "the situation," said, "Why, no heat on yet?" Mr. Greeley took 
 down his feet, and, in a half-oflended tone, piped out in his peculiar 
 whine. "Now, what did you tell me that for? I was gettin' nicely 
 warm." 
 
 Horace Not a Poet. 
 
 The following letter explains itself. It Avas written in February, 1859, 
 to the distinguislied editor of the New York Ledger : 
 
 "Mr. Bonner : I perceive by your Ledger that you propose to publish 
 a volume made up of poems not contained in Mr. Dana's "Household 
 Book of Poetry," and I heartily wi.«h success to your enterprise. There 
 are genuine poem-i of moderate length which cannot be lound in that 
 
FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 collection, excellent as it palpabl.y is, and superior in value, as I deem 
 it, to any predecessor or yet extant rival. 
 
 " But, Mr. Bonner, be good enough — you must— io exclude me from 
 your poetic Pantheon. I am no poet, never was, and never shall be. 
 True, I wrote some verses in my callow days, as I presume most per- 
 sons who can make intelligible pen-marks have done. Though in 
 structure metrical, they were in essence prosaic. They were read 
 by few, and those few have kindly forgotten them. Let me up ! 
 
 Thine, Horace Greeley." 
 
 Horace's First Challenge. 
 
 While Alfred Livingston was foreman of the Tribune composing- 
 room, they took down the stove in Mr. Greeley's old-fashioned dingy 
 sanctum, where he was wont to sit on a very low chair with his chin 
 resting on a very high desk ; the stove-pipe had gone straight through 
 the ceiling, and after its removal no provision had been made for closing 
 the hole. Above in the composition room were three printers' stands 
 equidistant from tbe open hole. Printers are proverbially tobacco 
 chewers. These three were tobacco-chewers extraordinary. Having 
 covered the floor with their tobacco juice, they alternately endeavored 
 to spit through the stove-pipe hole, using it as a target. It was a warm 
 May day, Mr. Greeley sat underneath ; and, worn out with his labors, 
 had fallen into a centlc and innocent slumber. He had on a white 
 
waistcoat and a clean shirt. His dreams were suddenly disturbed by 
 a pattering on his forehead. lie awoke, half blinded witli the nicotine 
 visitation, and seeing his waistcoat and shirt soiled therewith, and sus- 
 pecting the source from which it came, he started up stairs at a gait 
 that would have startled Startle. The printers, hearing him approach- 
 ing, and fearing trouble, scampered to other parts of the composition 
 room. Mr. Greeley, appearing on the scene in the character of the 
 Gladiator, shouted, '* Where is the man that spit down that hole ? I 
 can lick the man that did it ? Where is he V " 
 
 "Go West, Young Man, Go West." 
 
 Mr. Greeley started on his trip across the plains in the spring of 
 1859. His diary, as he leaves the borders of civilization, is brief and 
 pointed : 
 
 "May 13, Chicago — Chocolate and morning newspapers last seen 
 on the breakfast table. 
 
 "23d, Leavenworth — Room-bells and baths make their last appear- 
 ance. 
 
 *'24th, Topeka — Beefsteaks and washbowls (other than tin) last 
 visible. Barber ditto. 
 
 "26th, Manhattan — Potatoes and eggs last recognized among the 
 blessings that 'brighten as they take their flight.' Chairs, ditto. 
 
 " 27th, Junction City — Last visitation of a boot-black, with dissolvino- 
 views of a board bedroom. Chairs bid us good-bye. 
 
 "28th, Pipe Creek — Benches for scats at meals have disappeared, 
 giving place to bags and boxes. Dubious looks at several holes in the 
 canvas covering of the wagon. Our trust is in buoyant hearts and an 
 India-rubber blanket." 
 
 Horace on the Medical Fraternity. 
 
 At an agricultural gathering the veteran editor, introducing Dr. 
 Underwood, the celebrated grape-grower, gravely said tliat Dr. Under- 
 wood had abandoned his early profession as a physician, and had 
 turned his mind and efforts to the benefit of his fellow-men in another 
 sphere of labor, namely, the cultivation of that healthful fruit, the 
 grape; and he was happy to add that Dr. Underwood had in his new 
 business been as successful in lengthening and saving the lives of his 
 fellow-creatures as he had been before in shortening and cutting them 
 off entirely, and that was saying a great deal for' his success as an 
 agriculturist. 
 
 Horace's Conundrum to His Proof-Reader. 
 
 The Fremont campaign profoundly interested Mr. Greeley. In 
 those days the telegraph and miiil facilities were not what they are to- 
 day, and the election returns were tardy and untrustworthy. ]\rr. 
 Greeley had compiled figures from various sources, and had a mass of 
 
32 FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 documents before liim from which he expected to close his work. A 
 number of friends demanded his attention, and while he was in con- 
 versation with them the office boy handed him an evening newspaper 
 containing what seemed to be a carefully prepared table of the figures 
 that he needed. Mr. Greeley grasped his scissors, cut out the table, 
 made his comments upon the total and sent it up to the printers. The 
 next day any close observer of the eminent statistician could have seen 
 that he was deeply troubled. And he had reason to be. The evening 
 newspaper had the reputation of being habitually inaccurate in its 
 political figures, and in this case the totals that Mr. Greeley had copied 
 were erroneous by many thousands. 
 
 Forgetting the source whence he had taken his figures, Mr. Greeiey 
 went to the composing-room direct, remonstrated with Mr. Rooker, 
 the foreman, saying that he ought to be kicked; then to the printers, 
 that they ought to be kicked; and finally to the proof-reader, that he 
 ought to be kicked more soundly than all the rest. The latter meekly 
 produced the original manuscript of Mr. Greeley, with the reprint from 
 the evening newspaper. 
 
 *' What paper is that cut from? " said Mr. Greeley. 
 
 "The Evening ," replied the proof-reader. 
 
 Mr. Greeley, suddenly bethinking himself of the character of the 
 newspaper, promptly, with that sense of justice which is one of his 
 greatest attributes, turned to the proof-reader and asked, in a sad and 
 humiliated manner, "Would you like to kick me? " 
 
 Jokes from Horace's Manuscript. 
 
 It is widely known that Mr. Greele.y's penmanship is, to say the 
 least, queer. When he was a boy he built snake fence on hilly land. 
 He is still building snake fence on paper. Anecdotes on this head are 
 unnumbered. A page of his manuscript, in which the editor had 
 quoted, " 'Tis true, 'tis pity, and pity 'tis 'tis true," fell into the hands 
 of Peter Hackett, an Irish compositor, who rendered it thus: "What 
 the divil is this— "tis five, 'tis fifty, 'tis fifty, 'tis 'tis fifty-two '—what 
 does it mane, at all?" 
 
 Years ago, Donald C. Henderson, now editor of the Allegan (Mich. ) 
 Journal, but then Horace's walking encyclopaedia of politics, had many 
 of the philosopher's strongest points; he wrote even a worse hand; he 
 walked as badl}^; he was an imitator of Mr. Greeley's toilet; but what 
 allied them was the fact that Don had a penchant for political statistics. 
 Mr. Greeley often detected errors in his tables, and two or three times 
 discharged him; he clung to his place, however, for, said his fellow- 
 workmen, his ' ' cheek " was as boundless as the Western prairies whence 
 he came. One day ]Mr. Greeley saw him at the exchange ncAvspapers, 
 and said, "Don, what are you doin^ there? I thought I discharged 
 you long ago? " "I know j^ou did, Mr. Greeley; but I've got a good 
 
 S' 'ace, and ain't goin'." That joke was even too much for liorace, and 
 on's official life died a natural death. He went only when he got 
 ready. One of Don's acquirements was his ability to read Mr. Greeley's 
 writing at sight as easily as print, but his remarks to compositors who 
 
FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 88 
 
 bothered liiin were rude to the last degree. To a compositor who asked 
 him to read a word which Mr. Greelej' had written in a religious 
 article, Don, with a contemptuous sneer, snarled out: "Eucharist, you 
 darned fool; did j^ou never phi}' euchre?" 
 
 The printer will now and then give a sharp retort, as well as receive 
 one. Calling a proof-reader to account for a very slight error, Horace 
 retorted to the proof-reader's excuse that the " copy" was not plain: 
 "What! that not plain? Why, any fool can see that." "Soltind," 
 retorted the proof-reader, walking off with a chuckle. 
 
 Horace's Proof-Reading. 
 
 Twenty-two years ago, Mr, Monroe F. Gale, the present foreman of 
 the Times, was' employed in the composing room of the Tnbune, and 
 Mr. Greeley had a high respect for his ability. A proof was sent to 
 Mr. Greele}'- in which the word wagon was spelled with two g's; the 
 great philosopher crossed one of them out, but when the Tribune ap- 
 peared the next dfj^'" the correction had not been made. Mr. Greeley 
 impatiently summoned Mr. Gale and remonstrated Avitli him mildly 
 (because he did not wish to lose the services of so competent a man) 
 for not correcting his proof properly. 
 
 Mr. Gale replied that the word wagon had been spelled from time 
 
 immemorial with two g's and he knew his business as well as any man, 
 
 I Mr. Greeley, in a haff persuasive, half apologetic tone, responded, 
 
 j " Well you know, Gale, 1 hey used to build wagons bigger than they do 
 
 A Cincinnati Ham, 
 
 A friend in Cincinnati sent a ham to the Tribune office for Mr, 
 Greeley. He received a letter advi.sing him that a ham had been sent 
 him by express. At 11 o'clock that night, as he Avas going home, he 
 stepped into the publication office and inquired of Mr. David P, Rhoades 
 whether there was a ham for him. David replied that a ham had been 
 there, but that it had stepped out with Mr. Ottarson, and, he supposed, 
 was already in the pot. 
 
 Horace — " Pot be hanged, what made you give that ham to Ott wlien 
 it was mine?" j 
 
 David — "How did I know it was yours? " | 
 
 Horace — " It had my name on it." i 
 
 i David — "There was no name on it, and Ott said it was liis, sol j 
 I gave it to him." I 
 
 j Horace — " W'ell, Dave, you might have known it was mine." 
 ! Next day when Horace arrived in the office he assailed Mr. Ottarson 
 I with, " What made you steal my ham?" 
 j Ottarson — " W^ho stole your ham? " 
 i Horace — " You did; Dave Rhoades said you took it." 
 i Mr. Ottarson admitted that he had taken it, but added that Dave had 
 i given it to him. Whereat — 
 i Horace — "I can't have a thing sent to me but some thief in the office 
 
34 
 
 FUN FK031 UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 steals it. Snow stole my basket of plums, Tom Rooker stole my 
 apples, Sam Wilkeson carried otf my maple sugar, Solon walked off 
 with half a tub of butter, and Ed. Underbill took a whole bushel of 
 peaches to his Unitary Home, at least so Amos Gumming says, and 
 now, Ott, youVe stolen that ham. The office is full of thieves." 
 
 Mr. Snow — "See here, Horace, if you don't take that back I'll sue 
 you for slander." 
 
 Horace — " Bring that basket here, and I Lcid take it back." 
 
 How Sandusky was Saved from Famine. 
 
 As a convincing illustration of the genuine love of fun that is in the 
 man, we present the following, which Mr. Greeley clipped from the 
 Buffalo BepuhUc and reproduced in the Tribune: 
 
 " One of the most agreeable duties of journalism is to chronicle the 
 heroic deeds of those whom chance or unusual natural developments 
 ha\e rendered benefactors to the human race. It is a part of our legiti- 
 mate province to rescue the fame of such individuals from oblivion, 
 and by enacting the part of the historian, to Jumd their name and the 
 
X L^N FROM UNDEll THE OLD WHITE HAT. 35 
 
 records of their achievements down to the admiration and gratitude of 
 future generations. The village philanthropist or the benefactor of a j 
 local community is as much a part of the history of liis time as the 
 heroes of a State, or as tlie sacred geese at the rock Tarpcia saved 
 Home from the horrors of a sack. Our duty in the present mstance is 
 to relate a similar occurrence which transpired much nearer home. 
 Years agone, wlien the course of trade ran in a counter direction to 
 what we now behold, owing to a severe droutli the city of Sandusky 
 was suffering all the horrors of a protracted famine. The water 
 on the bar at the mouth of the bay was so low that vessels were unable 
 to reach the port, and as there Avas no land transportation at tliat time 
 which could be relied upon in a case of sudden emergency, it appeared 
 as if Providence had forsaken the place entirely, and that its inhabit- 
 ants must soon perish. For days and weeks their stock of provisions 
 had been gradually disappearing, until soon all was gone, and their only 
 reliance was upon the few lish which they were enabled to obtain from 
 the waters of the bay and an occasional meagre supply of game from the 
 neighboring forest. At the time of which we w^rite the woods in that 
 vicinit}'-, and, in fact, throughout the Western reserve, were frequented 
 by vast numbers of wild hogs, which obtained a bountiful subsistence 
 and grew fat upon the shack which ever}' where abounded. These 
 hogs were doubtless originally estrays, but the sparseness of the popu- 
 lation in the interior and the rapidity with which they multiplied ren- 
 dered them strangers to man and very shy of his presence. Daring the 
 drouth of which mention has already been made, large droves of these 
 animals wended their way to the lake, in the neighborhood of which 
 they continued to remain. Sandusky Bay, in particular, was a favorite 
 place of resort for them, in the waters of which they were accustomed 
 to wallow, after slaking their thirst. Those who are acquainted with 
 the locality with which we speak, will remember the anno^'^ance to 
 which the early settlers were exposed in the shape of a fine, red sand 
 which covered the beach, and which, in times of high wind, was not 
 only exceedingly troublesome, but dangerous. Thousands of hogs, in 
 consequence of frequenting this spot, became totally blind; but still, 
 with all the cunning which belongs to this perverse race in their 
 natural state, they continued to elude the hunters. One day, when the 
 faaiine in the city was at its height, and when it was apparent that 
 
 even the strongest must soon succumb, Joe B took down his gun 
 
 and resolved to make a last effort to rescue his wife and little ones from 
 a fate the most horrible of which the mind has any conception. All 
 day long had their sunken eyes and shriveled hands implored him in 
 vain for bread; and, alas, he knew too well that not within the whole 
 city was there a mouthful to be had, though he were to offer in ex- 
 change thrice its weight in gold. Nerved to desperation by this re- 
 flection, but still with feeble steps, he took his way to the forest, 
 resolved not to return without relief in some shape. For a long time 
 he hunted in vain, traversing miles of weary pathway without so much 
 as seeing a single evidence of animated nature, until he was on 
 the point of yielding to despair. At this moment a noise as of ap- 
 proaching footsteps attracted his attention, and he paused with every 
 faculty rendered keen by hunger to listen. Nearer and nearer came 
 the tramping, and just as Joe, to screen himself from observation, took 
 
 _,-| 
 
36 FU2s^ FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 shelter behind a tree, a wild hog emerged from a thicket advancing 
 directly toward him, followed immediately by another and another 
 still. The hunter, trembling with anxiety and excitement, raised his 
 gun but suddenly paused in astonishment at the phenomenon before 
 him. The drove (for drove there w^as) was approaching him in Indian 
 file, and headed direct for the bay. The S3wnd hog held in his mouth 
 the tail of the first, third that of the second, and so on to the number of 
 sixty and upward, each w^as holding fast to the caudal appendage 
 of his predecessor, and all were being led by the foremost of the drove, 
 and he, being the only one that could see, was thus convoying his 
 afflicted companions. The hunter comprehended the situation in a 
 moment and instantly decided his course. Raising his gun deliberately, 
 he fired and severed the tail of the leader close to the root. His 
 affrighted leadership, with a loud squeal, bounded into the thicket 
 and disappeared, while his blind companions came to a dead halt. 
 Joe quickly divested himself of his boots and crept stealthily up to the 
 first of the band, which stood quietly holding in his mouth the ampu- 
 tated tail of his former conductor. This the hunter seized and com- 
 menced gently pulling upon it. First one hog started, then another, 
 until soon, like a train of cars, all were in motion, and, without pausing 
 to rest for a single instant, Joe led them quietly into a huge pen near 
 his residence, where they were soon slaughtered'a;^^; the city teas saved.'' 
 
 Retort to Alfred Livingston. 
 
 " Alf " Livingston, as he was familiarly styled by the boys, was one 
 of the smartest printers that ever entered New York. He was swift at 
 the case, and could "make up " a page in the time ordinaril}' taken to 
 lay out the plans. His skill made him a favorite with Mr. Greeley. 
 The editor of the Oxford Times had come to the city to buy a typograph- 
 ical suit which the Tribune was about to cast oft", and as Mr. Greeley 
 knew nothing of the details of the printing-office he took the Oxford 
 editor up to Foreman Livingston. Horace stood aside, reading that 
 morning's Tribune, while the Oxford Times man and Mr. Livingston 
 were chatting. " Why, Alf," at length broke in Mr. Greeley, '' here 's I 
 a dead advertisement ; if it had been left out there might have been j 
 space for another nice little paragraph." "Possibly that might not I 
 have been no improvement," retorted the waggish foreman. "Well," ! 
 said Mr. Greeley, turning on his heels, " it mightn't if I'd such men as 
 3'ou in the editorial rooms." 
 
 On the Command at New Orleans. 
 
 One night wiien Senator Wilson, of Massachusetts, on his way to 
 Washington, called in at the Tribune office to see Mr. Greeley, they had 
 a conversation upon matters that were under discussion in the Federal 
 City, and especially in relation to the dissatisfaction of some persons 
 wUh the chango proposed in Butler's command at New Orleans. Mr. 
 Greeley ventured the opinion that maybe Banks Avouldn't satisfy them 
 
FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 either. *' I'll tell 3^011, Wilson," said Mr. G., " it 's all contained in the 
 little story of the Irishman who, having legs of different sizes, ordered 
 boots to be made accordingly. Ilis bootmaker implicitly obeyed his 
 instructions ; but as he tried the smaller boot upon the larger leg, he 
 exclaimed, indignantly, * Confound the fellow, I ordered him to niake 
 one larger thanlhe other, and instead of that lie has made one smaller 
 than the other.'" 
 
 The Wrong Pig bv the Ear. 
 
 A storm arose in the Iribnne editorial rooms, one morning in 1802, 
 when Mr. Greeley's eye detected an error of punctuation which reversed 
 the meaning of one of his own leaders. It annoyed him beyond endur- 
 ance, and his vexation found vent in loud exclamations. At length 
 Mr. Ripley edged in a word, and explained that nobody on tlie edito- 
 rial rooms floor was responsible — that it was a proof-room blunder. 
 "Then," said Mr. Greeley, springing from his chair and making long 
 strides towards the hen-coop on the composing-room floor occupied by 
 the proof-readers, "we must have readers who know something." The 
 first man he met was the then aged (now deceased) Myles Murphy, and 
 to him he delivered a A^olley of abuse, winding up with, " You 're not 
 fit to be here ; do get another place ; I'll give you fifty dollai's to get 
 out of this." Myles tried to speak, but Mr. Greely's tongue Avas too 
 rapid for him, and before he could frame a sentence Iloi-ace had van- 
 ished, leaving the poor proof-reader too thoroughly frightened to tell 
 even his fellow-workmen — as he subsequently did— that he had no more 
 to do with the reading of that proof than the man in the moon. It liad 
 been read by another man. 
 
rUN FR03I UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 Horace's Opinion of Wail Street. 
 
 Just after Lincoln's first election, an ardent Republican sent a basket 
 of wine to Mr. Greeley. The Tribune's chief was out of town, and the 
 basket lay under his desk two days untouched. "What 's this ? " cried 
 he on his return. "Why, it 's a basket of wine with which to celebrate 
 j our victory," replied the unrivalled musical critic, Fry, at the same 
 i time calling in Mr. Snow, the financial editor, to test the wine. " Don't 
 they know that I never drink ? Here, Snow\" continued Horace, 
 " take this stuff down to Wall street and give it to the thieves." 
 
 Weed and Seward at Church. 
 
 Some time before the Chicago Convention which nominated Abraham 
 Lincoln for the Presidency, Thurlow Weed and Wm. H. Seward, on a 
 Sunday evening, went to Dr. Chapin's church, and at their request were 
 ushered to ]Mr. Greeley's pew, and were already comfortably in posses- 
 sion before his arrival. On his return to the Tribune office he men- 
 tioned the circumstance to Franklin J. Ottarson and Myron H. Rooker. 
 Mr. Ottarson said, "Well, what did they say?" "Nothing," responded 
 Mr. G. "What did you say ? " "Nothing." " Where was the text ? " 
 inquired ]\ryron, solicitously. The text ? Let me see ; it was in Isaiah 
 — 'My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.' 
 That was it."" Myron asked whether they joined in the singing. Mr. 
 Greeley said, "Well, I suppose they did. I gave them a hymn-book." 
 Mr. Ottarson shouted so that Mr. G. could hear him in his inner room, 
 "You never sing ! " J\Ir. Greeley, after a long pause, said, "Don't I V '* 
 
 Catch a Weasel Asleep. 
 
 During the memorable famine in Kansas a number of the public- 
 spirited gentlemen of New York gathered in the house of Seth B. Hunt, 
 and Horace Greeley Avas called to preside. The question was, "What 
 steps should be taken to alleviate the sufferings of the Kansas people?" 
 It was decided to organize a Committee of Relief, and that an address 
 should be framed with a statement of the case. All in the room were 
 of opinion that Mr. Greeley was the man to write that address. Every 
 one looked toward the Chairman, who seemed to be taking a comfort- 
 able nap. One and another said, "He's asleep." Thaddeus Hyatt said, 
 " Not he ; you don't catch a weasel asleep." At that instant, and with- 
 out raising his head or opening his eyes, Mr. Greeley said, "Well, if 
 you think so then I'll write it ; what is the further pleasure of the 
 meetiu": ? " 
 
 Horace's Costliest Watch, 
 
 The philosopher carried with no little pride a fine |o50 chronometer 
 gold watch, presented to him by the Tribune printers. It would have 
 kept accurate time if the owner had wound it, but that he seldom did ; 
 
FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE IIAT. 39 
 
 and when he tried, it was an even chance that he would set the key on 
 the hands, and after whirling them around a dozen times think the job 
 done. An hour afterward, on looking for the time, he wondered "why 
 the thing wouldn't go." One night, as he was going home, he asked 
 Mr. David P. Rhoades, the night clerk, for $5. David handed it out, 
 and Horace jammed it into Ids waistcoat pocket as far as his fingers 
 would go. On the car his watch was stolen. The next day when he 
 reached the office he told the story of the robbery, winding up with, 
 "They stole the watch, but they didn't get my live dollars." The theft 
 was made known to Col. Charles S. Spencer, the noted criminal lawyer. 
 He sent word to one of the chief "knucks" that if Mr. Greeley's watch 
 was not in his hands within twenty-four hours, the first of the gang- 
 that should be "nipped" would get the full benefit of the law. In less 
 than twenty-four hours Col. Spencer handed the watch to the astonished 
 philosopher. 
 
 "Pub. Doc." 
 
 Horace, in speaking of his trip across the plains, sa3'^s : " Of the 
 seventeen bags on which I have ridden for the last four days, at least 
 six\teen are filled with large bound books, mainly Patent Office Reports, 
 I judge. * * * * I have spent four days and five nights in close 
 contact with the sharp edges of 'Pub. Doc' ; have done my very ut- 
 most to make them present a smootli, or at least endurable, surface ; 
 and I am sure there is no slumber to be extracted therefrom, except by 
 reading them — a desperate resort which no rational person would 
 recommend. " 
 
 "You See How it is Yourself." 
 
 When he went to the World's Fair, in London, Mr. Greeley was to 
 be on board the Baltic, at the foot of Canal street, at 13 o'clock, sharp. 
 He sat at his desk writing for the Tribune until very nearly a quarter to 
 13. Suddenly he sprang up, clapped on that famous hat, seized a small 
 carpet-bag, and pushed toward the door, saying, " Boys, I'm off for 
 Europe — somebody read my proof." A carriage was ready, and he was 
 just in time. When he returned he made for the office with equal 
 economy of time, dashed up stairs, and, without waiting to speak to 
 any one, or even take off his hat, Avas instantly at work at an account 
 of the remarkably quick passage of the steamer Baltic. A friend en- 
 tering, greeted him with, "Why, Horace, have you got to work so 
 soon?" "Well," replied Horace, "you see how it is yourself." This 
 is supposed to have been the origin of the well-known phrj^se, which 
 has been attributed to Wm. M. Tweed. 
 
 Mr. Greeley's Peculiarly Truthful Greeting. 
 
 Scientists say they can tell what a n^an is by the style of his saluta- 
 tion. If this is true, it is easy to measure the frank democracy of the 
 
40 FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WIlFfE HAT. 
 
 great farmer -editor. The meaningless "good morning," and all the 
 preliminary rites of recognition are little to liim. Instead of "Good 
 morning, Mr. or Judge," his favorite manner to known friends is to 
 give your hand a hearty shake, saying, " AVaal, sinner, how air you ? " 
 
 "Pickie" and the Cow. 
 
 Mr. Greeley's first child was his favorite "Pickie" (Arthur Young 
 Greeley), the boy he so often carried to and from the office astride his 
 shoulders, and whose early death was the great sorrow of the good 
 man's life. AVhen the hoy was two or three years old the family lived 
 at Turtle Bay, then a fine rural reti-eat on the East River, near Fiftieth 
 street. One' day Mr. Greeley took his boy over to General James B. 
 Swain's, in Murray street, near Greenwich, about five miles distant. 
 Mrs. GreelejMiad fed the boy on milk fresh and warm from his own 
 cow, and would not trust to any other lacteal food. The cow must go, 
 and the fond father himself drove the animal down and back, and 
 Pickie Avas properly fed. 
 
 Mr. Greeley's Sense of Justice. 
 
 During his apprenticeship Horace had a vacation, which he improved 
 by a visit to his father's relatives in New Hampshire. Describing his 
 journe.y, which he made on foot, he says: 
 
 " Reaching Stoddard, a small village half-way up a high hill, I stepped 
 
 into a convenient tavern and called for dinner. My breakfast had been 
 
 ! early, and the keen air and rough walk had freshened my uppetite. I 
 
FUN niOM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 41 
 
 i was shown into a dining-room with a well-spread table in the centre, 
 i and left to help m.yself. ' What is to pay ?' 1 asked of the landlord on 
 entering the bar-room. ' Dinner, eighteen and three-quarter cents,' he 
 replied. I laid down the required sum and stepped oil', mentally re- 
 solving that I would, in mercy to that tavern, never patronize it again." 
 
 Horace Giving his Friends the Slip. 
 
 Some time ago Mr. Greeley went to Kingston to lecture, and it was 
 necessary for him to remain there all night. United States Marshal 
 Sharpe took him to his house, and made him as comfortable as he 
 could. The most influential men of the place made arrangements that 
 night to meet in the morning for the purpose of giving Horace a start- 
 off such as they deemed worthy of the man. Accordingly, the gentle- 
 men of the town got up earlier tlian usual and proceeded to their meet- 
 j ing-place, ])ut it was soon ascertained that Mr. G. had arisen earlier 
 j than any of them, and escaping from the Marshal's house, carpet-bag 
 I in hand, had trudged down the road and crossed the river, thus cutting 
 Ills friends out of the good time they had so v.armly anticipated. 
 
 Who will Sell Mr. Greeley's Farm. 
 
 When Mr. Greeley first bought land in Westchester County every 
 bod}'' laughed at his notion of managing a farm, and one friend said, 
 " Horace, you'll be sick of living in the country within two years, and 
 your place will be advertised for sale." "Then," responded Horace, 
 "the sheriff's name will be at the foot of the advertisement." 
 
42 FUN FROM UNDEIl THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 Other friends remonstrated with Mr. Greeley on the expensiveness of 
 his farming operations. " Do 3^ou not perceive," said one, "that your 
 hired man does not more than half work V" " Certainly," replied 
 Horace, " I am quite aware of it; were he disposed to be efficient he 
 would work his own land, and not mine. " 
 
 The Nine Days' Struggle for the Speakership. 
 
 Mr. Greeley is not only great on ordinary occasions, but specially 
 great on extraordinary occasions. Perhaps he is greatest of all when 
 he is in his righteous wrath, and his soul is stirred up to rebuke the 
 politically foolish and wicked; but like all others who rebuke sinners 
 he is liable to unpleasant consequences. One of the occasions on which 
 Mr. Greeley rose to an unusual altitude of wrath under great provoca- 
 tion will be remembered by those who were on that memorable day in 
 Washington, when the long light was begun in the House of Repre- 
 sentatives which didn't end in making John Sherman Speaker, but did 
 produce no end of a row about the Helper book and various other 
 things which contributed to hasten the war. 
 
 It had been all fixed, on the Republican side, to make John Sherman 
 Speaker, but to do it the votes of a few who were not square Republi- 
 cans had to be counted, and especially the vote of the Hon. Geo. Briggs, 
 who was a whilom Know-Nothing, but who knew as much as most 
 folks about some things. 
 
 The hall and the galleries were crowded ; expectation stood not only 
 on tip-toe, but fairly tipped forward, waiting to see and liear Sherman 
 elected. Mr. Greeley was conspicuous in the first row of seats in the 
 reporters' gallery, the observed of all observers, but himself as calm as 
 the calmest of unruffled frog-ponds, and as sure of Sherman's election 
 as an astronomer of the appearance of a comet once in twenty thousand 
 years. To some who suggested that possibly Sherman might miss an 
 election at the first go-off, Mr. Greeley replied with a smile of bland 
 and confident wisdom, and pointed to his slate, the roll of the mem- 
 bers, where he had them all down, and the count footed up satisfac- 
 torily. 
 
 The roll-call was begun ; Clark, of 3Iissouri, arose and flung the 
 Helper book at Sherman ; Sherman, Grow, Burlingame, and fifty others 
 threw it back ; the engagement became general ; Briggs, under the fire, 
 retreated behind the Know-Nothing barricade, and didn't vote for 
 Sherman. Bedlam intensified broke loose in the hall ; and finally 
 Judge Kellogg, of Illinois, got his two hundred and fifty pounds avoir- 
 dupois to a perpendicular, and with his stentorian voice moved that the 
 House " do now adjourn," and quicker than Bufl;alo Bill could skin an 
 Indian the House did adjourn. 
 
 Then it was that Mr. Greeley's immense ability in venting his right- 
 eous indignation was demonstrated. He swelled with wrath ; he seethed 
 in his hot displeasure ; he boiled over with lingual rage. To say m 
 just what terms he cursed the whole Republican party in Congress for 
 a pack of fools, cowards, ninny-hammers, dough-faces, imbeciles, and 
 misbegotten jackasses, would involve a use of all the objurgatory words 
 ill the^dictio'nary and of some not yet invented. 
 
FUIS" FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 43 
 
 The crowd around Mr. Greeley were awe-struck, nearly stunned, by 
 his explosion, and as much so by the way in which he kept up the 
 eruption of his volcanic rage. 
 
 Through the passage-ways, down the steps, through the grounds, 
 along the avenue, all the way to the National Hotel, strode the philos- 
 opher, consigning the delinquent Congress and Kellogg, of Illinois, 
 especially, to all the wrath attainable in this life, and any odds and 
 ends of wrath that there may be in the world to come. Everybody 
 made way for the Tribune editor, and then it was we recalled the 
 Homeric description of Achilles when he moved along in his wrath. 
 
 But Mr. Greeley's duty was only half done. Without waiting for 
 meat or drink, or to salute any man by the way, he went to the tele- 
 graph office and sent along the wires a half column of that which had 
 been so eloquently pouring hot from his expressive lips, and it was the 
 double-leaded leader in the next daj^'s Tribune. 
 
44 FUK FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 Mr. Greeley rested from his labors until the arrival of the Tribune 
 next evening, and after that he didn't rest so much. There was fun of 
 a lively sort in the National Hotel. Somebody showed Judge Kellogg 
 the Trihune — somebody always will show these things to the wrong 
 man — and the Judge arose with a stern and sudden resolve on his broad 
 countenance, and said : 
 
 "I'll lick that d — d old white-coated cuss before I eat my supper." 
 But he didn't do it. 
 
 The Judge was fat and couldn't walk fast ; a reporter outstripped 
 him in carrying the news of his benevolent intentions to Mr. Greeley, 
 and that inotFeusive man, his duty now being done, and his M^rath 
 abated, and not desiring to hurt Judge Kellogg, as he never was known 
 to hurt a fl}^ picked up his carpet-bag, and the train for New York, 
 which was just starting, took the white coat and its great occupant out 
 of the District. 
 
 "Kellogg is waiting for you in Washington," wrote the Tribune cor- 
 respondent, James S.^Pike." a day or two afterward. 
 
 " Let him wait," was Horace's laconic letter in replj^. 
 
 Reply to the Hon. James Brooks. 
 
 Mr. Greeley having been nominated to fill an unexpired term in the 
 Thirtieth Congress, a gentleman in the interest of the Hon. Jas. Brooks, 
 of the Express, also a candidate for Congress, called upon Horace to in- 
 quire what should be done to secure their election. "Tell Mr. Brooks," 
 replied Mr. Greeley, " that we have only to keep so still that no par- 
 ticular attention will be called to us, and General Taylor will carry us 
 both in. There are not voters enough in the district who care about 
 either of us, one way or the other, to swamp the majority that the Tay- 
 lor electors cannot fail to receive." The returns proved the correct- 
 ness of Mr. Greeley's reply. 
 
 The Price of Legislators 
 
 In a recent conversation which Mr. A. 31. Bliss, of Brooklyn, had 
 with Mr. Greeley, the cheapness of legislative votes at Albanj^ was 
 alluded to. Mr. 'G. said he remembered a story which aptly illustrated 
 the purity of some men who undertook to represent constituencies in 
 legislative halls. "It was of jNlary Russell Mitford. A gentleman 
 once entered a room and found her seated in state, surrounded by a 
 company who, instead of showing any veneration for Miss Mitford, 
 were tittering. He soon saw that it was on account of a j^ellow turban 
 she wore, and which had evidently struck her fancy and been purchased 
 on her way to the partv, as the tradesman's ticket was still adhering to 
 the back of it, marked', ' Very chaste. Only 5s. Cd. !' " 
 
Beecher's Grant Speech in the Brooklyn Academy, 
 
 Senator Fenton, who met Mr. Greeley in the Fifth Avenue Hotel 
 soon after Rev. H. W. Beecher's non-committal speech " for Grant " in 
 the Brooklyn Academy, asked him whether he had read it ? He said 
 he had, but Mr. Beecher's real opinions were of greater consequence 
 than his merely political compliments ; for example, in his lecture 
 upon the "Burdens of Society," he remembered Mr. Beecher to have 
 said this (and you'll see his views on the ' ' one term principle ") : " Trees 
 change their bark every year, and as fast as it is renewed the old is cast 
 avN'ay. Wlien it begins to crack and peel oft', it becomes the abode of 
 insects and worms and vermin. Now, if you were to ask the trees 
 whether they do not think the old bark had better be taken awaj^ they 
 would answer 3^es, of course." ["Good ! good !" exclaimed the Sen- 
 ator.] "Yes, but," said H. G., "listen to what follows. 'Ask the 
 vermin the same question, and they would answer no, unanimously. 
 Yermin is conservative the world over. The office-holders, who want 
 things the old w^ay that they may retain their sinecures and positions 
 of ease, are the vermin of society.' That's Mr. Beecher's opinion." 
 
 Blockheads of the Union League. 
 
 Mr. Gj-eclcv addressed the following letter to the Union League Clul), 
 :\ray 23, 18g:': 
 
 "by these presents, GREETES'G. 
 
 " Gentle^dsx — I was favored on the IGth inst. by an official note 
 from our ever courteous President, John Jay, notifying me that a 
 requisition had been presented to him for a special meeting of this club 
 at an early day, to take into consideration the conduct of Horace 
 Greeley, a member of the club, who has become a bondsman for 
 Jefferson Davis, late chief of the rebel government. 
 
 " Chancing to enter the club-room one evening, I received a full 
 broadside of your scowls. I was soon made to comprehend that I had 
 no sympathizers, or none who dared seem such, in your crowded as- 
 semblage. 
 
 ****** 
 
 "Upon the Republicans having by desperate effort handsomely 
 carried our State, a cry arose from several quarters that I ought to be 
 chosen United States senator. At once land and discreet friends 
 swarmed about me, whispering, ' Only keep still about universal 
 amnesty, and j^our election is certain. Just be quiet a few weeks, and 
 you can say what you please thereafter. You have no occasion to 
 speak now.' I slept on the well-meant suggestion, and deliberately 
 concluded that I could not, in justice to myself, defer to it. I could 
 not purchase office by even passive, negative'dissimulation. 
 
 * * -* * * * 
 
 ' ' Gentlemen, I shall not attend your meeting this evening. I have 
 an engagement out of town, and shall keep it. I do not recognize you 
 
46 
 
 FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 as capable of judging or even fully apprehending mc. You evidently 
 regard me as a weak sentimentalist, misled by a maudlin philosophy. 
 1 arraign you as narrow-minded blockheads, who w^ould like to be 
 useful to a great and good cause, but don't know how. " 
 
 After reading this letter, the club almost unanimously passed the 
 following: 
 
 ''Revolved, That there is nothing in the action of Horace Greeley re- 
 lative to the bailing of Jefferson Davis calling for proceedings in this 
 club. " 
 
 Striking at the Seat of the Disease. 
 
 "Wlien Mr. Greeley severed his connection with the Whig party, he 
 gave his reasons for his sudden action in the following brief anecdote : 
 
 " Doctor," said a querulous, suffering invalid, who had paid a good 
 deal of money for ph3^sic to little apparent purpose, "you don't seem 
 to reach the seat of my disease. Why don't you strike at the seat of 
 my disorder?" 
 
 "Well, I will," was the prompt reply, "if you insist on it," and, 
 lifting his cane, he smashed the brandy bottle on the sideboard. 
 
 A Good One on Roscoe Conkling. 
 
 Very early in the untoward career of United States Senator Conkling, 
 Mr. Fenton, having uncommon faith in human nature, suggested to 
 Mr. Greeley that his colleague might see the error of his course and 
 try another tack. Mr. Greeley said: "Governor, you deserve credit 
 for your excellent wishes, and I think that ordinarily it is best to give 
 a man a chance to get right, but you must know by this time that 
 
FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT 47 
 
 some men act as no man of common sense would, because tliey can't 
 do any other way, and when they're in that melancholy fix they 
 won't get right anyhow. They remind me of the little fellow who 
 went to Sunday school and couldn't tell the teacher the number of the 
 house in which he lived. The teacher told him to be sure and bring it 
 onth{J following Sunday. The next time he appeared he was asked 
 whether he had brought the number, and he said: 'No, sir; it Avas 
 nailed on the door so tight that I couldn't get it off.' That's the way 
 it IS with some men; as Jim Nye once said, ' they've got it bad.' " 
 
 Number One. 
 
 Mr. Greeley, while dining with a well-known merchant of New York 
 at Delmonico's one evening a few months ago, in answer to his (the 
 merchant's) question concerning Grant's proposal to accomplish the 
 greatest good for the greatest number of the people, said : "On a cer- 
 tain occasion — that of a little dinner arrangement, just like our own 
 here — Lord John Russell said to Mr. Hume, "AVhat do you consider 
 the object of legislation ?' 'The greatest good to the greatest number,' 
 was the reply, ' What do you consider the greatest number ?' continued 
 Russell. ' Number one, my lord,' was the Commoner's prompt reply. 
 I think that answers your question, sir." 
 
 Hamilton Fish. 
 
 A gentleman of political prominence, intending to congratulate Mr. 
 Greeley upon the correct position of the Tribune in relation to Secretary 
 of State Hamilton Fish, did it in this way : 
 
 " Greeley, there is no mistake but you are au fait on the Fish ques- 
 tion." "Well," replied Mr. G., "there's no harm in knowing some- 
 thing about the lower animals. Agassiz says in one of his lectures, 
 ' AVhen we see how from the horizontal position wdiicli the fish occupies 
 in its natural element there is gradually an advance by the rising of the 
 head — the rest of the body remaining horizontal — and the next step is 
 to rise on a pair of legs, the anterior part standing on a long neck, 
 which is unsteady^ and then we pass over to the mammalia, where, be- 
 ginning as it were anew, we ascend from the whale-like type gradually 
 to the monkey and then to man. It is perfectly evident that this scale 
 of gradation, followed from the beginning to the end and retained, is 
 the type according to which the animals of the present time shall be 
 constructed.' " 
 
 Visitor — "Why, Mr. G., you are a Darwinian." 
 
 Mr. Greeley — "Am I ? That was what Agassiz said, and he added, ' It 
 is only at the highest stage of the whole development that we find man,' 
 and I think so, too. I suppose that accounts for some men calling each 
 other curious Fish." 
 
48 FUN FROM UNDER THE OLD WHITE HAT. 
 
 • 
 
 The First Mention of Mr. Greeley's Name in Connection with the 
 Presidency. 
 
 On taking his seat in the Thirtieth Congress, Mr. Greet cj^ vigorously 
 attacked the old mileage abuse, and was bitterly opposed by many of 
 his fellow-members, and at length it was gravely proposed to expel him. 
 " The movement," says Mr. Greeley, ''was crushed by a terse interrog- 
 atory remonstrance from Long John Wentworth, then a leading Demo- 
 crat. "Why, you blessed fools, do you want to make him President ? ' ' 
 
 Why Horace Never Declined. 
 
 When asked why he had repeatedly assured his friends that ho would 
 not decline any nomination until he had received it, Mr. Greeley retold 
 one of Abraham Lincoln's stories, as follows : 
 
 "Many years ago," said Lincoln, "when I was a young lawyer, and 
 Illinois was little settled, except on her southern border, I, with other 
 lawyers, used to ride the circuit, journeying with the judge from county 
 seat to county seat in quest of business. Once, after a long spell of 
 pouring rain, which had flooded the whole country, transforming small 
 creeks into rivers, we were often stopped by these swollen streams, 
 which we with difficulty crossed. Still ahead of us was Fox River, 
 larger than all the rest ; and we could not help saying to each other, 
 ' If these streams give us so much trouble, how shall we get over Fox 
 River ? ' Darkness fell before we reached that stream, and we all 
 stopped at a log tavern, had our horses put out, ancl resolved to pass the 
 night. Here we were right glad to fall in with the Methodist Presiding 
 Elder of the Circuit, wdio rode it in all weather, knew all its ways, and 
 could tell us all about Fox River. So we all gathered around him and 
 asked him whether he knew about the crossing of Fox River. ' O yes,' 
 he replied, 'I know all about Fox River ; I have crossed it often, and 
 understand it well ; but I have one fixed rule with regard to Fox River 
 — I never cross it until I reach it.' " 
 
 The Cincinnati Platform News. 
 
 The soon to-be candidate, Mr. Greele}^ was very anxious about the 
 platform in its progress through the Convention on the second day of 
 the session. There was a long struggle, and the result was dubious. 
 At noon a boy entered the Tribniie olfice with a dispatch for Mr. G. 
 It v/as taken to his room. In half a minute he was in the publication 
 office ; his beaming face told good news. "Hah ! hah ! hah ! hoo-oa I 
 We've got 'em on platform. Now I don't care who they nominate." 
 
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