PS 635 .Z9 D9967 Copy 1 ^ THE COMIN' OUT Of MARY JANE CUMMINS A TWO ACT COMEDY By CHLORINE DYSART COPYRIGHTED 191! Vi= i/ THE GOMIN' OUT OF MARY JANE CUMMINS ^^ A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS -By- CHLORINE DYSART Author Of "July The Fourth." "The Comin' Out of Mary Jane Cummins" is especially .adapted for amateur performances for church, club and charity benefits. It is arranged so that the entire entertainment can be presented in one act if prefered. Musical specialties and choruses are introduced throughout the play. Country style evening clothes are worn in sec- ond act and characters appe,aring in Act I. make, change of costume for Act II. Performances of this play are prohibited ex- cept by permission of the author. For terms for presenting on stage, address HOME TALENT ENTERTAINMENT CO., FAIRFIELD, IOWA. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Steve Bridget Doctor Cummins Mrs. Cummins Mary Jane Cummins Araminta Cummins R. Lincoln Cummins Rastus — (Colored Boy). Uncle Beverly Pinshaw Aunt Prudence Pinshaw Mrs. Titcomb Peters Fred Scoville — (Football Pl,ayer) Aunt Lizzie Jackson Adolph Von Limburg Yokub Schmidt Bettina Schmidt Rev. John Wesley Ward Mrs. Ward Arthur Copperfield Ward Peter Cartright Ward Prof. Olmstead Dr. Lippincott Emerson Van Dyke — (Book Agent) Jeddie Bunyan Cyntha Bunyan Skinny Bacon Chip Mullenix Mr. Peasley — (Store Keeper) LobeliiE Gardner Mrs. Bumstead Dr. Fitzhenry — (Dentist) R. E. Porter— (Editor) Cousin Arabella Sumpurty — (Old Maid) Bizelia Jane Niblack Miss Odell Miss Webster Widow Brown Musicians Chorus Boys .^ Chorus Girls Copyrighted igii by Chlorine Dysart n. ©CLD 25369 J The Gomin' Out of Mary Jane Cummins. ACT I. SCENE — Parlor setting, showing old fashioned sofa and chairs to sides of st,age, mirror on wall, table in center, and easel, picture, etc., to rear. Artificial flowers can be used in vases and for other decofiations. Curtain rises showing Steve with rugs and carpet beater, Bridget sweeping, dusting and arrang- ing furniture. STEVE— The old folks is awful f!ustrated about the train. BRIDGET— What's the mather wid the thr,ain Staven? STEVE — Why number ten is 'way behind time and Alary Jane '1 be an hour late and you know Mrs. Cummins is all out of sorts over it. BRIDGET— Well, it's all the bether for us Staven. We'll not be in .a houry at all a rakin' and a swapin the lawn. We'll hev it all doon as nate as a pin afore ye iver hear the whistlin' of the thrain. STEVE— Well I'll gist set a spell on the sofa, for I'm tired now and ther's lots of work liaid out for me today, takin' care of the horses and handlin' the people's baggage as they come in. CSits down). You oughtn't to be doin' extra work like this Bridget, no how, when you've been on your feet already since long before daylight. It'll tell on you land you'll be breakin' down before you know it. Say Bridget, how is it you're lookin' so young and spry and del- icate, when Patsy O'Flanigan says you're lots older than you look? BRIDGET— Since yer askin' me that question Staven, I'll be free in tellin' ye the thruth; ther's niver ,a toime in all me life when I'm older than I am right now, but I'm non the worse o' that, and feel as ploomp and sphry ,as any iv haflf III. me age, and I've been hard at worruk iver since I was la gurrel in me saxteens and outlived al- reathy money a mon and woman that was borren long afore I iver saw the light. Patsy O'Flanigan bether be tendin' to her own bees- ness. Haff the lies she's bin tellin' on mesilf ther' aint a word o' thruth in 'em. STEVE — I never believe in doin' any more than I have to, and when ther's nobody lookin' you don't ketch me doin' two men's work. You're new at this place Bridget, and if you appear too over willin' at first they'll alius give you double work and that's why I feel interested in you, Bridget. S^ay, Bridget, have you ever been married? BRIDGET — That's a great question to be askin' of me, but I'll niver be tellin' ye no lies, fer it's three that I hev. STE'VE^ — And have you any children? BRIDGET— Yes, sor, I've three, one be the third wife of me second husband, and two be the sec- ond wife of me first. STE"VE — (Laughs heairtily). And how m.any by the second wife of yer third husband? BRIDGET— Well, th,at's nothin' of yer beesness Staven; he had three of his own by his first wife and they wus grown up and a worakin in the linen facthory at Limerick afore we iver wus morried. (Enter Mrs. Cummins with front hair in curl papers, R. Lincoln Cummins and Ras- tus. All inspect decorations. Steve and Bridget get very busy). MRS. CUMMINS — Steve, what on airth have you bin doin' all this time? That litter on the lawn should all a bin cleared away and the yard or- namented before this. I fear, Steve, you're be- comin' more enameled with the charms of Bridget than with your work. (Steve exit with rugs). Now Lincoln, son, when the com- pany begins to come in, you must keep yet pants pulled down over yer shoes, let the cor- ner of yer h,ankerchy hang outen yer pocket a little, (arranges handkerchief) and be per- tickler and don't wipe yer nose on yer sieve, but blow it on the grass and save yer hank- erchy. When you meet anybody, look into IV. ycT hat, this way. (Tips hat and shows him). Now listen. Watch the Ward children and do like them, their father's a preacher and they're trained up how to behave in company. (Dr. Cummins calls from oflF stage: '"Rastus! Oh, Rastus!'') There comes yer fether, now pay at- tention to what I'm tellin' you, Lincoln! and allers jump offen yer seat fer grown people and keep yer galluses buttoned, and when spoken to, say yessur to the men and yessum to the ladies. And Rastus, the Doctor is callin' you to go and tell Steve to take the team, and now remember, you must get busy and run and Wiait on people and see how smart you can be. RASTUS — I'se jes gwine do moos anything you say Miss Cummins, 'cause I'se none dem ignoramus niggas what don't know nuffin. (Exit). (Enter Dr. Cummins with pill bags). MiRS. C. — Why, Doctor, what kept you so late, when you know so much is dependin' on you? DR. CUMMINS— (Removing long coat, hat and gloves). Well, my dear, I'm doing well to get back ,at all. Ther's been something doing, I tell you. (Opens grip). Why, just see here, I have old man Hoogenacker's appendix in my valise; took two navy beans and a grain of corn out of the Billikin boy's windpipe, put a new drum in Mose Bogg's ear, spliced Pat Mc- Ginty's rib, stopped the cr,ack in old Mrs. Tat- tlemore's voice, put ball bearings in Aunt Molly Cadaver's lower jaw, and wound up her tongue. They're all doing well and now I'm glad to have la day off. (Enter Uncle Beverly and Aunt Prudence Pinshaw, carrying tele- scope, satchel, umbrella, etc. Aunt Prudence walks very lame). There comes Uncle Beverly Pinshaw and Aunt Pfrudence. Well! Well! Well! "Talk about the old scr,atch and he's sure to appear." How are you, any- how, both of you? (All shake hands). MRS. C. — Are you feeling better Aunt Prudence? AUNT PRUDENCE PINSHAW— Yes, I've be- gun to feel more like myself again, in fact, I feel like another person. DR. C. — Same old couple. Haven't changed a bit, young as ever. Just hand your bundles and telescope to Rastus. Here Rastus, you're V. wanted here. (Enter Rastus and takes grips). AUNT P. — Here, Beverly, hand me that satchel, it's got my camphor bottle and knittin' in it and my calimus root. You know I couldn't do without that, I'd expire in a minit afore the doctor wud git to me if I took one of my faintin' spells, and didn't have my calimus root. (Takes satchel and removes things). UNCLE BEVERLY PINSHAW— (Puts hand to ear). Did you say you heered the train toot? AUNT P.— Train toot? Why, no; I said 1 wanted my calimus root, (in louder voice) calimus root! (To Mrs. Cummins) You see Beverly is awful deaf. He's lots worse ner he wus when we wus here afore. He's gittin so he can't hardly hear nothin' any more and you haff to tialk awful loud or he won't know what you're sayin'. (Steve returns with rugs. Bridget ar- ranges rugs and both exit). MRS. C. — Well, do take seats there and get rested. (Takes bonnet and wraps from Aunt Pru- dence). It'l soon be time to begin receivin' and we're lookin' for Mary Jane every minit. Rastus do bring a fan for Uncle and Aunt, they are so warm and tiredii (Rastus brings fan) You see, Mary Jane has been gone all winter and just gragiated from the Stumptown high school and is goin' to have her debut before the public. You know Helen Taft had debuts all last win- ter. (Takes seat). We want Mary Jane to loom up in society and be the belle of Jackoak Center. Brother Edwards, the presidin' elder invited the neighbors in when his daughter Bizelia begun to set up of nights with the young men, land they held theirn inside the par- sonage, but Mrs. Peters coaxed me to have ourn on the lawn. She said it would be much sweller, and she knows, because she is the de- pot agent's wife and they just moved in here from Tankville. (Enter Mary Jane Cummins with Fred Sco- ville, latter with bandaged eye and crutch. Rastus runs and takes suit cases). MRS. C— Well, did ever! Here's our girl! (Em- braces Mary Jane). MARY JANE CUMMINS— (Running over to Aunt VI. I p.) And here is Aunt Prudence. (Shakes hands with all). MRS. C— We've been waitin" the last hour for you. Everything is re,ady and people will be comin' in soon. MARY J.— (To all). Allow me to introduce Mr. Fred Scoville of Hackelbarney (or local name). Mr. Scoville is a member of— ^ football aggregation and a friend of mine. Our train was side-triacked at and we're a little late and so tired and dusty. (Exit). MRS. C— Mr. Scoville, 1 spose you do feel kind o' dusty after bein' on the train. I know I did when we visited back in Ingeana. It nearly spiled my new bonnet and every time I stuck my head outen the car winder to see the coun- try, I got my eyes full of cinders. Would you like to h,ave some water and take a wash before you set down? Here, Rastus, take the gentle- man to the bench out by the rain barrel, and get him a pan of water, and the cake of soap and show him the towel. It hangs there on ,a nail. (Fred Scoville and Rastus exit). _ (Bridget enters and assists Mrs. Cummins in arranging flowers and other decorations). DR. CUMMINS— (Approaching Uncle Beverly Pinshaw). Did you have any trouble Uncle in finding our place? UNCLE BEVERLY— (Putting hand to ear). Heh h-h? DR. C— (In loud voice). Did you have any trou- ble in finding our place? UNCLE B.— I don't understand, was you speak- in' to me? AUNT PRUDENCE— (Crosses over to Beverly and speaks in loud voice). He says, did you have any trouble to find our place? UNCLE B.— My face? Yes, I spect it is dirty. You see, I've been sweatin' so and the black smoke from the enj-i-n-e and dust a flyin' set- tles in my eyes and on my face. (Wipes face with h,andkerchief). Now does it look any bet- ter? DR. C— Oh. your face is all right, Uncle. You mis- understood me. I said, did you have any trou- ble finding our place? UNCLE B.— Oh-o-o, no-o, not much. Says I to VII. mother, says I, less ride in one of them vehick- les, says I, but Siays she, no, we'll walk. The only trouble says she, spect I'll get awful lame, but I'll try, says she, an' be ekinomikle. If you'll pack them bundles, says she, I'll tote the tele- scope, baskets and umbf ejlars, but whe-u-u! they got awful heavy. Why in the world do they have their depot so far from town? DR. C. — Well, I declare, I never thought of that be- fore, but I suppose it was just to have it near the railroad. FRED SCOVILLE— (Enters with hair and face wet). Rastus! Rastus! Where is the towel? RASTUS — (Enters)... You sho done missed dat towel. I'se gwine show you. Right d^ar, lessen it been swipened from de nail. (Exit with Fred Scoville). AUNT P.*— (To Mrs. Cummins). Did Mary Jane do w 11 at school? MRS. C. — Oh, yes, middlin' well. She soon took to her books, and her schoolin' has done her lots of good. Her talk is more proper, and you ought to hear her say ofif verses she's memoriz- ed by heart, .and her manners is better. She holds her knife and fork different at the table and forks everything to her mouth, and she never thinks of callin' batter cakes anything but pancakes and that seems like blassfemin agin sacred things, for we've called 'em batter cakes all our lives an' you can't make anything else out of "em. (Exit Bridget.) AUNT P. — Did she have a nice place to stay? MRS. C. — Oh, yes; she didn't have no stove in her room, just one of them legislators, where the heat rushes up from the cellar and she never felt the cold all winter. (To Dr. C.) It's drawin' late now, Doc- tor, and time to be gettin' yer dress suit on. It's lyin' on the bed up stairs, yer necktie and collar and white vest, too. DR. C. — Why dear, do you think I hiad better wear that? Let's see. It's been nineteen or twenty years since we were married, and I've never had it on since. No one here ever wears a dress suit and people will think it's very funny. MRS. C. — I know, Doctor, but you did look so nice VIII. in it at our weddin' and I've always wanted to see it on you agin. You've changed some and it will be a little tight on you, but you must wear it anyway. Society in Jackoak Center looks up to you, and whatever you do will be taken for a patern. Hurry up now, Doctor! On the bed upstairs! (Exit Dr. Cummins). (Enter Mrs. Titcomb Peters and Rastus). MRS. TITCOMB PETERS— (Looking ,around). Oh, how lovely! What a fine place for a recep- tion. M'RS. C. — Well, I'm awful glad you've come. We're just waitin' on you to show us how to do. (Enter Aunt Lizzie Jackson). MRS. PETERS— (Removing hat). Well, now, we want to make this the swellest function ever in the Center. When the proper time comes to receive, arrange yourselves in a straight line. (Mrs. Cummins, Uncle Beverly and Aunt Prudence stand in line). And as each guest approaches, extend your hand with a smile and a bow like this: (shows them) and make pleasing remarks and intro- duce your daughter like this: (shows them). Now get yourselves ready and don't be gone long. (Mrs. Cummins, Uncle Beverly and Aunt Prudence exit, Aunt Lizzie is seated, Mrs. P. completes decorations). MRS. P. — Rastus, what are you doing? RASTUS — Is'e jes takin' de bans off dis watch, caus Is'e gwine tote 'em down jewelry store, wherefo he fix 'em. MRS. PETERS— Why, Rastus, you silly! Why don't you take the watch? RASTUS— Why nuffin 'tall mattah dat watch, 'ceptin de bans. Dey's all outer fix an' won't keep no carek time. (Exit). MARY JANE — (Enters in party dress). Aunt Lizzie, where is mother? I wanr her to help me get ready, now where is she? AUNT LIZZIE JACKSON— Why, child, she's busy about the place somewhere. Can't I help you? Come here to me. MARY J. — (Approaching Aunt Lizzie). Won't you fix my hair? Fix it, Aunt Lizzie, so the rats won't show so plain, and button my dress, IX. and do help me get ready before they begin to come in. I'll bet mother's off some place working like a darky. What makes her work and worry that way, any how. Aunt Lizzie? She says she hasn't slept a wink for two nights. (Exit Mrs. Peters and Lincoln Cummins). AUNT L. — (Fixes Mary Jane's hair and pins dress) I can tell you why, Mary Jane. It's all for your sake. She wants you to jine the honeysuckle club and get in high society and get acquainted with Dr. Lippincott, the veterinary surgeon. All the girls in the neighborhood are crazy over him, and she wants you to cut them out, and then she wants the word to get out that the Cumminses are the swellest people in town, and that's about so, too, Mary Jane. Your mother's an awful proud woman and she would like to have you take the lead in society. MARY J.i — Oh, yes, mother's afraid I'll be an old maid like Aunt Mattie. If mother knew what I do, she'd loose no sleep about me. I guess I am not so slow. I never missed a ball game or a dance over at Stumptown and I could al- ways get fellows every time, and that'l not be a hard thing to captivate your Doctor Lippin- cott. O-u-c-h! Why, holy peanuts, Aunt Liz- zie! What in the name of Sampatch are you doing? That don't feel very good to get full of pin holes like that. AUNT L.— Well, well, now, that's too bad! I'm awful sorry, I didn't aim to hurt you, dear. MARY J. — T don't suppose you did. Aunt Lizzie, but it hurts all the same. Don't do that anj more. I just feel like I was full of bee stings. Can't you put something on it? AUNT L.— No, no. It'll soon let up. No. I'll tell you. Mary Jane, your mother thinks the Doc- tor's an awful nice young man, and a better ketch than th,at ball player, and has a better show for a livin' than practicin' gymnetics and roll- ing on the ground kickin' footballs. MARY J.— Oh, but I do like ball players. They are so sporty, and I have such jolly times with them. Why, say, aunt, is the veterinary sur- geon a good looking fellow? Would he be a good catch? X. AUNT L. — Oh, yes, you'll say so when you see him. Everybody says he's fine. Now let me tell you, when you meet him don't be talkin' all the time about music and geografy and football, 'cause he's a new comer here and h'aint got 'stablished yet, and he'd rather be interested about domesticated science, like housekeepin' and raisin' chickens and the like o' that. Has it quit hurtin' yit where the pin went? MARY J.— Oh, it stings a little yet, but I don't mind it now. AUNT L.— Now, dear, you look sweet as a touch-me-not with your hair fixed that way, and that beautiful dress. (Mary Jane crosses stage and poses before mirror). Now do keep as close to the veterinary as you can and keep him away from Miss Webster and the music teacher and the reception will wind up joyful, and your mother will be tickled half to death about the way you've took him in. MARY JANE — (Turns to Aunt Lizzie, smoothes hair and strokes dress). Now, how do I look, Aunt Lizzie? (Looking in mirror) "Well, the fatal night has come at last,in half an hour I shall be "coming out." This is the way I'll be doing: (Steps about and bows). Mistah, Doc- tah, Doctah. Glad to meet you. sah. (Continues to bow and dance). Pleasant evening, s,ah. Glad to meet you, Doctah. (Curtain). ACT II. SCENE — Yard surrounding the Cummins home with porch and entrance to house in view. Japanese lanterns overhead, benches and chairs scattered about, graphophone and punch bowl on stands to side of stage and decorated plat- form for orchestra at rear. Curtain rises showing Mrs. Titcomb Peters, assist- ed by young ladies, serving punch. Orchestra in place. A number of guests standing in groups, and moving about. Graphophone mu- sic and laughing heard as Adolph Von Limbufg and other guests arrive and shake hands with Uncle Beverly. Aunt Prudence, Auh'l Lizzie and Mary Jane in receiving line. XL (Enter Dr. and Mrs. Cummins, front En- trance.) MRS. CUiMMINS--(Aside to Dr. C.) Now, Doc- tor, keep it on your mind, your trousers are a little tight on you, so be careful and don't stoop or sit down hard. If you do somethin' will happen. Now remember! (Dr. and Mrs. Cummins take places in receiving line. Enter Yokub Schmidt and daughter Bettina). YOKUB SCHMIDT— (Approaching Adolph Von Limburg) Vie Gates, you knows me? Bis't you old countryman? Mire nom Yokub Schmidt, des mine gairl, Bettina. She bin sextane yare des mont old. Ish bin five years ofer fon old country meseluf. ADOLPH VON LIMBURG— (In disgust) Yes, vel sir, you! you better bin in dem old country- all time yet awhile, unt learn spake des Meri- can language most proper. I do not vish speak mit you so much more at dees time. (Enter Rev. John Wesley Ward and Mrs. Ward. They shake hands with those in receiving line). YOKUB— (Approaching Dr. C). Vie gates, I koom mit mine gairl Bettina. Vie est eren gasoondheit? DR. C. — All right Yokub. What brought you here at this time? We never expected you here at such a tirne as this. YOKUB— Vel Doctor, I tell you vas isht. Mine frow, she tell me vas your Mary Shane, she haff one big barty, und she tell meer shust go mit Bettina, right away up. So she mok her up very fine mit new petticoat und shoes und haflF her go mit meer und talk some more mit Mary Shane. DR. C' — Well Yokub, Mary Jane is very busy just now. You had better retire with Bettina and come again later. (Enter Fred Scoville, shaking hands with receiving party). YOKUB^(To Uncle Beverly) Vie gates? das been yourn frow? UNCLE BEVERLY PINSHAW— (To Aunt Pru dence) : Is he speaking to me' AUNT P. P. — Yes, he's askin' you somethin'. (To XII. Yokub) Speak loud to him. He's hard o' hear- in'. (To Beverly) He's a dutchman and wants to know if I'm your wife. UNCLE B.— My knife? (Gets out pocket knife and hands to Yokub). It's awful dull, but may be you can cut with it. YOKUB- — Vas fer you giff meer big knife like dees, ven ish speak shust mit your wife? (Enter Prof. Olmstead, shakes hands with those in receiving line). REV. JOHN WESLEY WARD— (Approaches Yo- Yokub and extends hand). Why, hello there, Yokub, what are you doing here? Aren't you lost? YOKUB — Vie gates, Ish never see you sometime before. You live here dees town all dees time? Vas isht ere nom? REV. WARD— My name?Ward. Rev. John Wes- ley Ward. YOKUB— Oh yah. Ward. Meester Ward, dees isht mine gairl Bettina. She bane saxtane yare old nex Februare, und so big dees way out (spreads hands out) und fier oder five feet dees way high up, (holds hand over her head) she bin also go up to dem Stumptown high school too, dees nex vinter mont, und learn spake fun dem geografy, und spell dem English. Goode bye. Vie koom again some time. Koom now dees way Bettina, vie sit mit das stool here. May be dey bring anyhow some beer. (Yokub and Bettina take seats). (Enter Rastus). PROF. OLMSTEAD— (Approaching Fred Scoville) Well, well, Fred, what next? Something doing on the gridiron, eh? A hard scrimmage, wasn't it? FRED SCOVILLE— You see. Prof., Hackelbarney (or local name) and Stumptown were pullin' off a hot football game and in the first quarter of the second half, I was huggin' the pig-skin on a forwiard pass and plunged through the center for a ten yard gain. I carried the ball twenty yards, when down came Big Bill Saw- yer, (or local name) the piledriver of the Stump- town aggregation. In the scrimmage I was on the ground floor and, of course, got this bum jaw and quit the game. The doctors worked XIII. with me for two hours. I am a bit shy yet on my off knee and can see a little now out of this eye. PROF. — Pretty close call. I W|as there among the rooters near the side line and saw the foul. But, never mind, old fellow, next year the grid- iron will be the main feature in the Stump- town high. Of course there will be a little do- ing in the kindergarten and psychology and latin, but the pig-skin is the whole menagerie now, in modern school work, and Stumptown high school is out for the cup next year. FRED— You're all solid along this line, Prof. The baseball sap is runnin' in their veins and the schools are all comin' to it, and Hackelbarney (or local n,ame) is right up to date, too. I tell you. Prof., it's a little less latin and a little more gym. PROF. — The boys and girls are going to have their fun. This is an age of bone and muscle. Just think of it, the champion boxer of the Y. M. C. A. has knocked out everything up to Jack Johnson, the world champion. The prize fights of Johnson and Jeffries land the bull fights of Mexico will seem like May Day parties. How long will you be here, Fred? FRED — That depends. I may go home at once, or I may stay a week. (In lower voice) You see. Prof., I am over here on a lark with my gazelle, ,and if the old doctor don't kick and things get congenial, I shan't be in a hurry to go back. So far as I can see with one eye (raises bandage), things look pretty prosperous around here, and I may st,ay anyway, 'til I can see out of the other eye. PROF — When did you meet this young lady? FRED — I picked her up among the high school rooters when we played Stumptown last spring, and she's a peach. PROF. — You had better take that seat over there, Fred, and rest that l,ame foot. (Fred is seated). (Enter R. Lincoln Cummins). DR. CUMMINS— (Coming to front of stage with Uncle Beverly) It's tiresome stand- ing so long, suppose we sit awhile, (steps toward seat). MRS. CUMMINS— (Screams and runs to Dr. C.) XIV. Mercy! No, no! Don't you dare sit down, Doctor! (As Dr. C. sits down, ripping noise is heard) There! what did I tell you? I told you to be sure not to bend over or sit down. Now, what have you done? (Dr. Cummins rises quickly, Mrs. C. exam- iiies for rent, very slyly adjusts coat and pins flower on lapel. Ex- it Mary Jane Cummins.) FRED SCOVILLE— Rastus, Oh, Rastus! This way just a minute. Are you busy right now, Rastus? RASTUS — I'se never too busy adjuss miseff all cir- cumstance, whatsoever, an' best of my know- ledge, perfom yo' requess. FRED S. — All right. Rastus, here's two letters and five cents to buy stamps for them. Now, hur- ry up, Rastus, and get them in the post office in time for the fast mail. They are important letters and must go without fail. (R,astus takes letters and runs off stage). (Enter Dr. Lippincott). MRS. CUMMINS — (Addressing a group of women) Superintendent — of the high school has been drillin' some of the students for an exhibition. They say it's real good, and I've asked them over to give us some of their drills. (Laughing heard outside). Listen, I hear them coming now. (Exit hurriedly). (Specialty introduced.) (Enter Araminta Cummins, crosses stage, bashful and twisty). DR. LIPPINCOTT— (Seated) Where now, little girl? Hunting somebody? Hunting your moth- er or brother? Come over this way. ARAMINTA CUMMINS— (Finger in mouth) Hunt- ing my mamma. DR. L. — Who is your mamma? ARAMINTA — I'm Araminta Cummins. M,amma said she was going to talk to the veterinary surgeon, but I don't see her. DR. L. — Here, sit dcwn beside me. What does your mamma want with Dr. Lippincott? ARAMINTA— (Sits beside Dr. L.) Why, she said she was going to have him to tea some time. S-a-ay, you have an awful red nose, haven't you? XV. I don't think that's very nice of them to be go- in' awaj' when they're invited to a party like this. MARY J. — I don't either, mother, and if I were you, I would never invite those two girls again as long as I lived. Old miaids! They're noth- ing but two old maids primping around, trying to fool somebody. FRED SCOVILLE— (Approaching Mary Jane). Don't you wish you were a senior again, back among the hi-yiis at old Stumptown high, with your S. H. S. banner land a whole bag full of peanuts and chocolates? Oh, but weren't they high old times? MARY J. — Why, what makes you ask that question Fred? Ar'nt you enjoying yourself over here? I am afraid you lare getting a bit lonesome. FRED S.— (G,apes and stretches). Well, I can't say but what I am. This is a nice crowd, but it's a little bit quiet to what it was at Stump- town. Who was that dressy fellow that just left with the automobile party? You seem to be very much interested in him. He's too punk for anybody. (Looking at his watch). What time does number four leave for Hackelbarney? MARY J. — Never mind about that train, Fred. Oh, you mean that fellow who sat with me here. That's Doctor Lippincott. He Just came here from Ames and has his office over the feed store. (Enter Jeddy Bunyan, Cyntha Bunyan and Rastus). FRED S.— Well, Rastus, are you back? It didn't take you long; did you mail my letters? RASTUS — Sho. Fass mail done gone carry dem lettahs, swiff as lightnin' an' moreover, here am yn fi cents all back! heah! heah! heah. (Returns money). FRED S. — How in the world, Rastus, did you mail my letters without buying stamps with this five cents? RASTUS — Well, it am dis way; I jes kep my eye on de postmastah an' when he wasn't lookin' I jes gwine drop'd de lettahs in de box. Heah! heah! heah! (Enter Emerson Van Dyke). EMERSON VAN DYKE— (Approaches Jeddy and; XVIII. Cyntha Bunyan with book agent's outfit) Good day, lady. Is this Doctor and Mrs. Cummins? CYNTHA BUNYAN— No. sir: we are only visitors here. EM. V. — Ah, I see you are only guests, beg pardon; I hope I am not intruding. I'll only take a min- ute of your time. I am introducing here a won- derful work, the greatest book of the century; nothing like it since Julius Caesar and Napoleon. Mr. — told me to see you and if I could , sell you a copy everybody else in town would take one. JEDDY BUNYAN (To Cyntha)— We'll not buy his book, Cyntha. He's another one of them gasted book agents. (To Em. Van Dyke) I guess we don't want yer book, mister, we've got all kinds of books now. You know, Cyntha. ther's the life of Daniel Boon in the lion's den, and Pe- ter .Cartright, on the mantel, and Wild Bill and Brigham Young and one of Mr. Dicken's books, and they say he's writin" better books than he euster. Guess we won't buy it, but say, mister, what do you ask fer yer book? CYNTHA B. — Have you got Rhinosevelt's book on elefants and catamounts in Africa, that I've hearn so much about? EM. V. — That's just exactly what I am showing you. (Hands her a book). This is what you want. Tells all about it, full of pictures and cheap as dirt. CYNTHA B.— (Looking in D'k). Yfs, that's hs pictur' sure as you live. It's the same as we've got hangin' over the mantel, see, lookin' through his spectacles, a shakin' of his fist and grittin' of his front teeth. Why, I'd know that pictur' in ginny. Ther's so much talk about him killin' and eatin' wild beasts and zebras. JEDDY B. — Yes, and I'm determined to vote fer him agin'. (Local name) says he's done more to'ards riddin' that country of elefants and mon- keys than any president we ever had and that ain't all, he's stuflfed their pelts, what he coudn't eat, and sent 'em to Smith's Institution for dead animals. What's the least you'll take fer your book, mister? EM v.— Four dollars. JEDDY B.— I'll give you two dollars. XIX. EM, V. — Couldn't possibly do it, Mr. Bunyan.- There are only a few of them left and I can't get any more like them. (Enter Peter Cartright Ward and Arthur Copperfield Ward.) JEDDY B.— What d'ye say, Cyntha? Say we buy it. It's an awful fine book, big as two of Dan- iel Boon's and full of pictures. All right. We'l take the book. Cynthia, let me have some money. (Cyntha raises skirt, gets purse from pocket and pays him.) (Exit Em. Van Dyke). PETER Cartright Ward— (To Arthur Copperfield Ward and Lincoln Cummins) What's th? mat- ter with that womian coming yonder? (All look off stage). Oh, look at her! She looks like she was tied up in a sack and can't hardly walk. Oh, yes, I know, it's Wider Brown, she thinks now she is fixed up so fine in that hobble skirt. Say, Link, less have some fun. We'l trip her up. Here, you take the end of this rope and tie it there. (They tie string .across stage). Now we'l run and see her tumble. (Enter Widow Brown, falls over rope, screams and faints. People gather around and boys run and hide). DR. CUMMINS — Bring water, quick, and a fan. Stand back! Water, water, quick' (R,astas brings water). Please stand back and give her room! (Bizelia Jane Niblack brings pillow and fan, others run with camphor and hot w^ater bottle. Dr. C. and Fred Scoville (with crutch) assist Widow Brown to seat). REV. JOHN WESLEY WARD— (To Mrs. Ward) MJDther. mother, where are those youngsters? Where did those boys go? Mother, you call them. MRS. WARD— P-e-t-e-r! Peter! Peeter! Oh Pe- ter! Pe-tee-r! Pe-toor! Where are you? PETER CARTRIGHT WARD— (From behind bench) Oo! hoo! MiRS. W. — Where ,are you? Right this way, quick; you're wanted here, quick! Hurry up! PETER C. — (Approaches slowly, with Arthur C. Ward) What do you want? MRS. W.— Your father wants you. (To Rev. W.) Here s your boys. XX. REV. W.i— Did you do that, Peter Cartright Ward? PETER C— Do what? REV. W. — Did you cause Widow Brown to turn ,a handspring right here before all these people — tear the ligiaments and dislocate the knee pan; causing the collapse of the whole superstruct- ure, rending asunder the delicate fabric which so gracefully encircled her pedallion extremi- ties land exposing the" softly tinted hues of her silken hosiery to the gaze of the multitude? Did you? PETER C— No, sir; I didn't! Don't care who said so. I never done it! Didn't make her turn no handspring and tear her ligaments! She col- lapsed her own structure. I saw her do it, and sposed her own hosiery, too. No, sir, I never done it. REV. WARD — My son, you are f,alsifying, prevar- icating. It was premeditated malice afore- thought, a violation of the pentateuch and laws of propriety and you will be punished accord- ing to your just deserts unless you repent and speak the truth. Did you, or did you not? PETER C— Father, I did do a little of it. REV. WARD— How much, my son? PETER C— Don't know, father; 'bout half of it, I guess. REV. WARD— What induced you to forget the golden precepts of the discipline and be led in- to temptation and tresspass the laws of Moses and the prophets? PETER C. — Lincoln Cummins told me to. REV. WARD— Was Arthur Copperfield with you? PETER C— Yes, father, he helped. REV. WARD— Arthur Copperfield Ward, did you forget the precepts and admonitions of the apostles and participate in the violation of the commandmants ? ARTHUR COPPERFIELD WARD— I'll tell you the truth, father; I never done nothin' but roll over a few times and laugh just a little bit. (Enter Mr. Peasley). REV. WARD — Come here, my sons; verily, verily, I say unto you, he that spareth his rod hateth his son, but he that loveth him chasteneth hira betimes. (Leads boys off stage). XXL (Enter Skinny Bacon and Chip MuUen- ix with furs. Dr. Lippincott and Miss Webster cross stage). SKINNY BACON— (Appro,aching Mr. Peasley). Are you the storekeeper what buys skins and mink hides? MR. PEASLEY— Yes, when I am at the store. Take them to the store. This is no place to bring pelts like that. What have you there any way, boys? SKINNY B. — Mink skins and some ground hog skins. We w,ant to sell 'em. What will you give us for 'em? MR. P. — How man}^ have j^ou and what do you ask for them? SKINNY B. — Don't know how many. Didn't count em. We ask ten cents apiece and they're worth it. MR. P. — Where did you get them boj^s. and how did you catch them? SKINNY B. — Caught 'em in traps down on Soiap creek. MR. P. — Did you catch them and skin them all by yourselves? SKINNY B. — Yes. sir; caught 'em and skun 'em all by ourselves. MR. P.— When? SKINNY B. — Forgot, don't remember zackly. Oh, yes. yesterday. MR. P. — How's that? These pelts are all old ,and dr}^ Why thej^'re a j^ear or two old. Rastus come here. (Whispers in Rastus' ear. Exit Rastus). CHIP MULLENIX— (Jerks Skinny and in low voice) Come on Skinnj', we'll get into trouble. Come on, less go. SKINNY B. — No, they're fresh, skinned off yester- day, but we dried 'em in the sun. MR. P. — ( Examining furs). Why, here is a fresh one. It's iS cat skin. You've skinned some- body's old puss cat. SKINNY B. — Nope, it's a ground hog skin. MR. P.— Where did you get it? SKINNY B. — Smoked it out of a tree and caught it in a trap down on Soap creek, too. MR. P. — Smoked it out of a tree, how did you do that? XXII. SKINNY B. — Built a fire under the tree and smoked him right down. MR. P, — How did you get him in the trap? SKINNY B. — (Cleiars throat and hesitates). Just drove him into the trap. MR. P. — Was it very hard to get him into it? SKINNY B. — No, it wasn't very hard to get him in- to the trap. He didn't know it was set and walked right in. MR. P. — So you only ask ten cents apiece for them? That's too chciap, boys, something wrong. CHIP MULLENIX— Come on. Skinny, less go. He don't want to buy 'em. Come on, I tell you. Less go and see (local name) he'll buy 'em. MR. P. — So you really caught them down on Soap creek? Well, if they're all right and fresh new pelts, I guess I will buy them. (To Peter C. Ward and Lincoln Cummins). Do you know these boys? PETER C. WARD^Yes, sir; I know that one. He's Skinny Biacon, preacher Bacon's boy. LINCOLN CUMMINS— Yes, and that's Wider Mullenix's boy. That's Chip Mullenix. MR. P. — Are they all right? Are they good boys? PETER C— LINCOLN C— (Together) Yes, they're all right. They're good boys. PETER C. — Skinny's all right, him and me's in the same class in Sunday school. (Exit Fred Scoville, Enter Rastus and Mtrs. Bumstead). MR. P. — How do you do, Mrs. Bumstead. I under- stand your house cat has been missing for sev- eral days. Does this look anything like it? (Holds up pelt). MRS. BUMSTEAD— (Examines cat skin and throws up hands). Mercy on me! That's old Tabby! Yes! yes! yes! Ther's the black spoits on her sides, and ther's the yeller streak down her back. (Bursts into tears). Yes, and ther's the piece gone oflfen her tail that got froze last winiter! How in the world did she come to be here, Mr. Peasley? Do tell me! MR, P. — I feel very sorry for you, Mrs. Bumstead. These boys .are trying to sell her pelt to me. They say it's a ground hog they caught in a trap on Soap creek. MRS. B. — Well, that's her sure. Nobody can't fool me on that bein' her dentified skin. I alius thot xxni. it might come to this some time or other, when she geromed around so much of nights. Poor old Tabby! The last I Siaw of her was the night (local name) was at my house, when she eat the canary land I put her out the door, and I says to myself, like enough that's the last I'll ever see of old Tabby in this world, and sure enough she's come to a bad end. Oh, dear, I don't see how I can hold up under it. Now my canary's gone, and old Tabby's gone, and I've nothin' left but the old man, boo! hoo! (M'r. Peasley takes Skinny Bacon off stage, Chip Mullenix es- capes). JEDDY BUNYAN— (Walking to front of stage). Oh, yes, I forgot, guess I'll set down and glance over the paper. (Sits down and unfolds newspia- per. Enter Mr. Peasley). Have you read this week's Bazoo? MR. PEASLEY— Why, no. I didn't know it was out yet. JEDDY B: — Yes, I just stopped in the postofifice and got this as we was comin' over here. (Reads). Big function at Dr. Cummins. Their daugh- ter Mary Jane de-de- (spells slowly) d-e-b-u- t-s, and so on. (Local name) goes to next week to a big illuminum meet. (Local name) while climbing on the roof of his house last week looking for a leak, fell, striking himself on the biack pprch. MR. P. — Well, that reminds me hasn't been in the store for three or four days. JEDDY B. — (Continues). Lost between the depot and a dark blue boy's coat. Finder please leave at store. (Local name) While harnessing his horse last Saturdiay was kicked just south of the corn crib. I guess was hurt pretty bad from what I've heerd (reads). (Local name) While down in the vicinity of El Paso came near being hit on the border. MR. P. — Why, was down there, I thought he was just over to . JEDDY B.i— (Reads) While (loqal name) was es- corting his girl home from church Sunday night a savage dog attacked them and bit Mr. several times on the public square. I bet you that was (local n,ame's) dog and I'm XXIV. not a bit surprised for I've knowed that dog ever since he was a pup and allers said he'd make a dangeirous dog. (Reads) and were up to (local town) with a pair of good looking girls. The crops around here CYNTHA BUNYAN— (Calls) Jeddy, oh Jeddy! JEDDY B. — (Looking up) What do you want? CYNTHA B, — Get up from there, you'll get grass stains on your pants. (Jeddy rises). (Chorus or Specialty Introduced). CYNTHA B.— (To Uncle Beverly) That w,as fine, wasn't it? A performance like that interests the mind and elevates the body. Don't you think so? UNCLE BEVERLY— How? Who? Me? AUNT PRUDENCE^(To Beverly) She says don't you think so. UNCLE Bw— I don't understand. AUNT P.— (To Cyntha Bunyan) Go closer to him and speak louder. CYNTHA B.— (Louder) I s.aid don't you think so? UNCLE B. — (Rises and puts on hat) Yes, I reckon it is time to go. (Looks at watch). (To Aunt P.) Get the traps together and we'll go. AUNT P. — Never mind Beverly, set down, set down! we're not ready to go. (Beverly is seated). CYNTHA B. — Yes, I do enjoy music. Any kind of a show suits me, and a circus, Jeddy and me don't miss no circusses, I meian the parades. We alius go in time to see the parades and hear the caliopus and then go home. Somehow, the ani- mals peer more natcherel in their wild state out in the parade than penned up in the show tent. And picture shows! AUNT P. — Oh my, don't talk to me about picter shows! It scares me to think about them lyr- ics, they're dangerous. We went to one last winter and took a seat right close up in front. We liked it fine 'till it come to the autermo- bile race. Purty soon we saw 'em comin', two of 'em, right side by side, down a steep hill. They was comin' right square at us and fore we could get out of the way they rushed past our seat, and the one on the neiar side didn't miss Beverly mor'n two feet. We might a both been killed, and when I saw .another a startin' down the hill, I says to Beverly, let 'em keep XXV. our ten cents and less git out of here right away. (Enter R. E. Porer. Fred Scoville and Miss Odell cross stage), ARAMINTA CUMMINS— (Runs in to Mrs. C.) Oh. say. mother, Dr. Lippincott is with Miss Webster again. Why he just stays with her so much ,and gives her candy and he gave me some in this bag. He didn't pay any attention to Mary Jane. When she went right close to him he never even looked at her. I don't like him one bit, do you? MRS. CUMIM INS— Where are they now, Minta? ARAMINTA — Right there, sitting on the bench. Can't you see them? (They go to gide of stage and look off). (Enter Dr. Fitzhenry and Cousin Ara- bella Sumpurty). ARABELLA SUMPURTY— (Takes R. E. Porter to one side). Mr. Editor, would you be kind enough to print a piece about this big gatherin' in your periodical? Or do you ever do the like of that free gratis? R. E. PORTER— Do the Cumminses subscribe for the Bazoo, Miss Sumpurty? ARABELLA S. — No, but they generally borrow it from some of the neighbors. They ne^er felt able to take it. Wh,at does it cost a year? R. E. PORTER— (Takes out note book) We are glad, madam, to mention events like this, es- pecially where the parties are regular subscrib- ers. The price of the Bazoo is one dollar a year. ARABELLA S.— Well, how much will it be for three months? R. E. PORTER — Oh, well, not over twenty-five cents. ARABELLA S. — Seems to me you are awful high on your paper. (Hesitates) All right. I'll sub- scribe for them. Here's yer pay. (Gets money from pocket). Now I harly know what you liad better print. (Studies). Let me see, oh, yes; say: another big gathering at Dr. Cummins'. One of the greatest events ever put forth by the upper crust of Siassiety in Jack Oak Cen- ter. Put this in big letters at the top of the piece. Their daughter, Mary Jane, has gragiated from the Stumptown high school, and debuts XXYL in the presence of her rel,atives and friends. Then I wish you to print the names of all them ithat was invited. It took place under the cano- py of chinkapin oaks and weepin" willers of the Cummins household. The space overhead was filled with refreshing rays of light from the firniiament above, and the unadulterated atmo- sphere from the neighboring meaders of clover and golden rods interspersed the occasion with tokens of love and affection. Amid all this sub- lime activity, stood their daughter Mary Jane, blushing with joy and gladness, ,as tears of enio- tion trickeled down from the fascinating win- ders of her inard soul. The debutantess was garbaged in a low-necked gown of chimpanzee, fastened with golden buttons of costly stones, and comparisoned with mutton legged sleeves, grasping flagrant bokays of gorgeous touch- menots ,and lavender, in hands of snowy white- ness and beauty. The flagrant aroma from the tables and cider bowl tickled the ears and de- lighted the eyes, and the tables fairly moaned with the weight of vittals, and all embr,aced the opportunity to inhale the liquid cider, again ,and again, until relieved of their appetites. (Starts off and returns). Oh, yes, just one more word, I desire you to reserve a copy of your periodical which I wish to send to my relations in Ingeana, and just add that all greeted the debutantess with the right hand of fellership, as she stood amidst of the gramatic scene, smiling profused- ly right ,and left in the best of humor. And just as the horizon was sinkin' behind the western skies, and the sun descending westward, pierced in golden fragrance through the c,anopy of smiling foliage overhead, all adjourned peace- ful to their native abodes at home, determined to return again ,at some future-time. (Starts of¥). And say! Mr. Printer, add that many enjoyed the ceremonies, clothed in silks and satins, and a good time was had by ,all. I would like to have some more things printed about the debut- ting, Mr. Editor, but I can bring them down to your printing ofifice myself. R. E. PORTERS— (Puts away pencil and paper). I thank you very much, Miiss Sumpurty. Even a short item like this will be better th,an nothing. Next week's Bazoo will contain your brief re- XXVII. marks about the Cummins function. By the way. Miss Sumpurty, you seem to be especially equipped for literary work. I would like to con- fer further with you. Suppose we take a walk in the g-rove. (Exit with Arabella S.) (Dr. Lippincott and Miss Webster Cross stage). (Enter Lobelia Gardner with jaw tied up). LOBELIA GARDNER— Is Doctor Fitzhenry, the dentist here? RASTUS — (Running towards Mrs. Gardner). Moas all sorts doctors present hciahon dis'casion, lessen I's right bad misinfohmed. I's gwina find out dis minit. missus. (Approaches Doctor Fitzhenry), Mistah Fitzhenry, I's been reques find yo whar- bouts, wherefo yo sist,ance needed right dis minit. DR. FITZHENRY— Please tell the lady to come this way. RASTUS— (Approaching Mrs. Gardner). Dr. Fitz- henry spress hisself entire willin' to have yo proach him reflFerence to yo painful disposi- tion. LOBELIA G— (Approaches Dr. Fitzhenry) Doc- tor, I've been trying all day to find you. I call- ed at your office and waited and waited and was told to come here. I'm awfully bad. Oh, my, oh! with my teeth again and I'll have to have one of them out and I'm afraid it's my wisdom tooth. Oh, my! (Moans). DR. F. — Why, Mrs. Gardner, I have no instruments or gas here. Can't you defer it and come to my office? LOBELIA G. — Oh, my, no, Doctor, I can't endure it any longer, it's awful. (Moans). DR. F. — Do you want to take gas? LOBELIA G.— Well, that's what I hardly know, Doctor, and I wanted to talk to you about it. I'm just an awful coward and I'm afraid I'll screech awfully if I don't take something, and then, again, maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all. My husband's sister had fourteen teeth out at one sitting and never took a single thing nor give a single screech. But then she ain't a bit nervous and I am, land I don't think that I could have even one out without screaming awfully, and— DR. F. — Have you ever taken gas? XXVIII. XOBELIA G. — No, I've not; and I said I never would. My cousin's wife's mother took gas, and she says that she felt everything- exactly the same as if she hadn't taken it, and it made her so dreadfully sick she had to be taken home in a carriage, and she never did get clear over it. Of course, it was a cheap dentist, and Cous- in Sarah thinks it was poor gas, for he didn't charge but fifteen cents for it, but it cost her twenty times that in doctor's bills afterward, to say nothing of the misery she endured. I don't think that it ever pays to go in for cheap- ness, when it comes to doctors or dentists or anything likely to effect the health. If I should take gas, I'd want it to be the best grade and — DR. F. — I assure you, madam, that I never adminis- ter any other kind. LOBELIA G. — Oh, no, I'm sure you don't, for my husband's sister's aunt gets you to do her work and she says I could depend on the best work and the most gentlemanly treatment from you, and if I did take gas, it would be of the best. But my sister-in-law's step mother took gas in (a. nice place, where she paid two dollars for it, and it made her carry on awfully. She laufifh- ed and hugged the dentist and talked silly ,and squirmed out of the chair and carried on aw- fully, I'd hate dreadfully to do anything of that sort. Then, again, I think wh,at if I should- n't come to! I've heard of several different persons dying in dentists' chairs. My heart ain't weak that I know of, and my doctor says I could take ether or chloroform if I w,anted to, but that's something I simply would not take. I've a perfect horror of anything of that kind, and I'd be sure I'd never come out of it. My husband's half brother's wife's sister's husband took ether and never came out of it, and I've hciard my mother tell about a man who took chloroform to have some teeth out and he never came out of it, because my brother's son by his first marriage — DR. F. — Do you want to take gas? LOBELIA G.— That's what I want to talk to you about. If I could be sure it wouldn't leave any after effects or make me do anything silly or make me feeble minded or sicken me — . An XXIX. old friend of mine named Lucy Jane Tandy — her name is Hooper, now — she married a man of that name the fall I married my husband, and she lives out west now, land has five lovely children. She sent me all of their photographs only last week. If I'd thought I might have brought them along with me. Anyhow, her husband took something to have his teeth out and Lucy Jane thinks it salivated him, and he did think of suing the dentist, and no one could blame him, either. But then, it wasn't gas he took, and — well, my teeth don't hurt me very much, and I'm in no hurry about having them out, so I'll go to your office and talk to you about it, but to tell the honest truth, doctor, I don't believe very much in gas. DR. F.— No, I should think you didn't. (Exit Lo- belia Gardner). (Enter R. E. Porter and Arabella Sumpurty). R. E. PORTER— Here we are back on the lawn again. The doctor certainly has a beautiful place here. Were you ever engaged — engaged in literary work. ARABELLA SUMPURTY— Oh.yes. Ye,ars ago I was connected with the Boone. County Squat- ter. That was afore I met you at Chautauqua, the time you said you had lost your wife and was feelin' so bad 'cavise she was such a gre,at help in yer orfis. R. E. PORTER— Yes, I recall our conversation, and I am still handicapped for want of proper assistance. I don't wish to flatter you, but I am pleased with your lappearance and manner. How would you like to engage in the work agam ARABELLA S.— (Bashfully) Oh, that would suit me fine. Do you mean in your orfis? R. E. PORTER— Yes, in my office, or, if you pre- ferred, vou might — ARABELLA— Why, Mr. Porter! R. E. PORTER — You might preside over the brick house across the way. ARABELLA— I-I-I— Oh, say. Why, say, Mr. Por- ter, be sure .and don't forget to send me that copy of your periodical. R. E. PORTER. — I am very much in earnest. Miss Sumpurty. To make it plain, how would you XXX. like to preside over the brick house across the way and be literary editor of my paper? ARABELLA— And me be Mrs. Porter? R. E. PORTER— Yes. ARABELLA— Railly! And be reporter fer yer paper? R. E. PORTER— Yes. ARABELLA — I had no idea that I was creatin' such la sensation in yer feelins. Oh, how de- lightful! After long years, to realize the de- sire of my heart! To be won over and engag- ed! Married! Yes! To be Mrs. Porter, wife of the editor of the Bazoo. How sudden! Can it be ^o? Is this railly true, or is it a dream? Oh, it's true! I'm goin' to be married! (Writes- in note book, tears out sheet and hands to R. E. Porter) Please hang this on the hook for next week's paper. R. E. PORTER— (Reads) The engagment is an- nounced of M\r. R. E. Porter of the Bazoo, and Miss Arabella Sumpurty, the wedding nuptials to take place at an earl}^ date. (Enter Fred Scoville and Miss Odell). FRED SCOVILLE— (To Mary J,ane) Beg pardon, Miss Cummins, Mliss Odell and I have just now decided to take in the ball game at Hackelbar- ney tomorrow, and we must be oflf. It's now (Looks at watch) ten-fifteen and number four is about due. I've had a most delightful time at your party, and met so many charming young ladies. Your parents are surely good entertainers, and have spared no pains to make it pleasant for their guests. As you see, I can almost walk without my crutch, (Puts crutch aside) and my eye feels better. (Removes bandage) You know that's all that keeps me out of the game. MISS ODELL— And I, too, have had a most de- lightful evening, Mary Jane, and will tell you all about the ball game when I return. FRED S.— (Shaking hands with Mary Jane) W,ell, good bye. Hope to see you again soon. (Miss Odell and Fred Scoville cross stage laughing and call back to Mary Jane) Good bye! (Exit). (Enter Dr. Lippincott, hurriedly, with Miss Webster. Latter stands at rear of stage. Exit Rastus). XXXI. DR. LIPPINCOTT— (Approaching Mary Jane and Mrs. Cummins). I am called aw(ay on profes- sional business, ladies. Prof. Olmstead's fine maltese, Count Fcirdinand, is stricken with poi- son and I must be off at once. I have certainly had a delightful time, and must bid you good bye. (Joins Mjss Webster and both exit). (Auto Horn Heard). RASTUS — (Rushes in much excited). I'se jess gwine tell you right dis minit, Miss Cummins, dar great deal discont-ment over dat autobile geeridge 'cause somebody done 'loped. MRS. CUMMINS— Eloped! Why, who was it, Ras- tus? RASTUS — You gwine become very much beside yoself, Missus, when I tell yo zackly whom it am, an' it's no lessen Dr. Lippincott an' Miss Webster what 'loped with an autobile an' dey gwine head right mejiately Presbyterian preachah an' git married very first thing. (Mary Jane and Mrs. Cummins collapse. Guests gather^ around). ARAMINT A— (Running on stage) What's the matter, mamma. Oh, mamma, what's the mat- ter? (Cries). (Dr. Cummins assists Mrs. Cummins off stage.. Aunt Lizzie follows with Mary Jane. Exit Rastus weeping). (CLOSING CHORUS). Now, as the evening shades have long since grown askance the western horizon and the sun passing through the golden gate, plays in rays of silvery light upon the tempestuous billows of Oriental seas, and the day's doings have come to a last finale. It will give you great pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, one and all, when I announce that Dr. and M!rs. Cummins desire me to thank all those present for so eagerly accepting their cordial invitation to as- sist in the delightful debutting of their charm- ing daughter, Mary Jane, and participating in their congenial hospitality. CURTAIN. XXXII. .m LIBRARY OF CONGRESS lilillillllllilllllll 016 215 115 # .1 ^->V y . 'i