Class _EJiAA.5a Rnnir -.11 ^5 ° . COEVRIOHT DSPOSm DIG K'S m& miSH DIALECT EECITATIONS. CONTAININa A COLLECTION OF RARE IRISH STORIES, POETICAL AND PROSE RECITATIONS. HUMOROUS LETTERS, IRISH WITTICISMS. AND FUNNY RECITALS IN THE IRISH DIALECT. >i r EDITED BY WM. B. DICK. 1/JJ..1..A J^-EW YOEK: DICK & FITZaERALD, PUBLISHERS, No. 18 Ann Street. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1879, by DICK & FITZGERALD, In the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. CONTENTS PAGE, Biddy's Tboubles 138 BiETH or St. Pateick, The 81 Bridget O'Eoolegoin's Letter 82 CON^TOE 154 Deemot O'Dowd 125 Dick Macnamaea's Mateimokial Adyentuees 142 Dyikg Co>teessiok of Paddy M'Cabe 78 Fathee Mokloy 78 Father Phil Blake's Collection 5 Father Boach 112 Fight of Hell-Kettle, The , . . .162 Handy Aistdy's Little Mistakes 20 Hov/ Dennis Took the Pledge 61 How Pat Saved his Bacon 14 Irish Asteonojiy 99 Ieish Coquetry 103 Irish Deumivier, The 47 Ieish Letter, An 35 Irish Philosopher, The 64 Irish Teayelee, The 34 Irishman's Panoraima, The 72 JiMiiY McBrlde's Letter 89 JiiMiMY Butler and the Owl 30 KiN(i O'Toole and St. Kevin 104 Kitty Malone 97 Love in the Kitchen 140 Mickey Free and the Priest 131 Miss Malony on the Chinese Question 43 4 CON^TEISTTS. PAGE.. Mr. O'Hoolahait's Mistake 94 Paddy Blake's Echo 74 Paddy Fagan's Pedigree 84 Paddy McGeath and the Bear 91 Paddy O'Rafther 62 Paddy the Piper 49 Paddy's Dream 4G Pat and the Fox 127 Pat and the Gridiron 54 Pat and his Musket 63 Pat and the Oysters 88 Pat's Criticism 126 Pat's Letter 80 Pat O'Flanigan's Colt 85 Patrick O'Eouke and the Frogs 100 Patjdeen O'Eafferty's Say Voyage 16 Peter Mxjlrooney and the Black Filly 118 Phaidrig Crohoore 122 RoRY O'More's Present to the Priest 36 St. Kevin 66 Teddy O'Toole's Six Bulls 152 Wake of Tim O'Hara, The 75 Widow Cummiskey, The 68 DICK'S IRISH DIALECT RECITATIONS. FATHER PHIL'S COLLECTION. SAMUEL LOVER. Abridged for Public Reading. Father Blake was more familiarly known by the name of Father Phil. By either title^ or in whatever capacity, the worthy Father had great influence over his parish, and there was a free-and-easy way with him, even in doing the most solemn duties, which agreed wonderfully with the devil-may-care spirit of Paddy. Stiff and starched for- mahty in any way is repugnant to the very nature of Irish- men. There are forms, it is true, and many in the Romish Church, but they are not cold forms, but attractive rather, to a sensitive people ; besides, I believe those very forms, when observed the least formally, are the most influential on the Irish. With all his intrinsic worth. Father Phil was, at the same time, a strange man in exterior manners ] for with an abun- dance of real piety, he had an abruptness of delivery, and ^ strange way of mixing up an occasional remark to his ^congregation in the midst of the celebration of the mass, which might well startle a stranger ; but this very want of formality made him beloved by the people, and they would do ten times as much for Father Phil as for the severe Father Dominick. 6 FATHER PHIL'S COLLECTION. On the Sunday in question Father Phil intended deliver- ing an address to his flock from the altar, urging them to the necessity of bestirring themselves in the repairs of the chapel, which was in a very dilapidated condition, and at one end let in the rain through its worn-out thatch. A subscription was necessary ; and to raise this among a very impoverished people was no easy matter. The weather happened to be unfavorable, which was most favorable to Father Phil's purpose, for the rain dropped its arguments through the roof upon the kneeling people below, in the most convincing manner ] and as they endeavored to get out of the wet, they pressed round the altar as much as they could, for which they were reproved very smartly by his Reverence in the very midst of the mass. These inter- ruptions occurred sometimes in the most serious places, producing a ludicrous effect, of which the worthy Father was quite unconscious, in his great anxiety to make the people repair the chapel. A big woman was elbowing her way towards the rails of the altar, and Father Phil, casting a sidelong glance at her, sent her to the right-about, while he interrupted his appeal to Heaven to address her thus : "• Agnus Dei — You'd betther jump over the rails of the althar, I think. Go along out o' that, there's plenty o' room in the chapel below there — '^ Then he would turn to the altar and proceed with the service, till, turning again to the congregation, he per- ceived some fresh offender. ^^ Orate, fratres ! — Will you mind what I say to you, and go along out o' that ? There's room below there. Thrue'for you, Mrs. Finn — it's a shame for him to be thramplin' on you. Go along, Darby Casey, down there, and kneel in the rain — ^it's a pity you haven't a decent woman's cloak under you, indeed ! Orate, f nitres P^ ******* Again ke turned to pray, and after some time he made FATHER PHIL^S COLLECTIOK. 7 an interval in the service to address Ms congregation on the subject of the repairs, and produced a paper contain- ing the names of subscribers to that pious work who had already contributed; by way of example to those who had not. '^ Here it is/' said Father Phil — ^^ here it is, and no deny- ing it — down in black and white } but if they who give are down in black, how much blacker are those who have not given at all ! But I hope they wiU be ashamed of them- selves when I howld up those to honor who have conthrib- uted to the uphowlding of the house of G-od. And isn't it ashamed o' yourselves you ought to be, to lave His house in such a condition ? and doesn't it rain a'most every Sun- day, as if He wished to remind you of your duty f aren't you wet to the skin a'most every Sunday? Oh, God is good to you ! to put you in mind of your duty, giving you such bitther cowlds that you are coughing and sneezin' every Sunday to that degree that you can't hear the blessed mass for a comfort and a benefit to you ; and so you'll go on sneezin' until you put a good thatch on the place, and prevent the appearance of the evidence from Heaven against you every Sunday, which is condemning you before your faces, and behind your backs too, for don't I see this minute a strame o' wather that might turn a mill running down Micky Mackavoy's back, between the collar of his coat and his shirt f Here a laugh ensued at the expense of Micky Mackavoy, who certainly zvas under a very heavy drip from the im- perfect roof. ^^ And is it laughin' you are, you haythens ?" said Father Phil, reproving the merriment which he himself had pur- posely created, that lie might reprove it. ^^ Laughin' is it you are, at your backshdings and iD^sensibHity to the honor of God — ^laughhi' because when you come here to be saved, you are lost entirely with the wet ; and how, I ask you, are my words of comfort to enter your hearts when the 8 FATHER PHIL^S COLLECTION. rain is pouring down your backs at the same time ? Sure I have no chance of turning your hearts while you are undher rain that might turn a mill— hut once put a good roof on the house^ and I will inundate you with piety ! Maybe it^s Father Dominick you would hke to have com- ing among you^ who would grind your hearts to powdher with his heavy words." (Here a low murmur of dissent ran through the throng.) ^^ Ha, ha ! so you wouldn't like it, I see— very well, very well— take care, then, for if I find you insensible to my moderate reproofs, you hard-hearted haythens, you malefacthors and cruel persecuthors, that won't put your hands in your pockets because your mild and quiet poor fool of a pasthor has no tongue in his head ! I say, your mild, quiet poor fool of a pasthor (for I know my own faults partly, God forgive me !) and I can't spake to you as you deserve, you hard-hving vagabonds, that are as insensible to your duties as you are to the weather. I wish it was sugar or salt that you were made of, and then the rain might melt you if I couldn't ; but no, them naked rafthers grins in your face to no purpose — you chate the house of God — ^but take care, maybe you won't chate the divil so aisy." (Here there was a sensation.) ^^ Ha, ha ! that makes you open your ears, does it ? More shame for you ] you ought to despise that dirty enemy of man, and depend on somethtug better — ^but I see I must call you to a sense of your situation with the bottomless pit undher you, and no roof over you. Oh, dear ! dear ! dear ! I'm ashamed of you — throth, if I had time and sthraw enough, I'd rather thatch the place myself than lose my time talk- ing to you ; sure the place is more like a stable than a chapel. Oh, think of that ! the house of God to be like a stable ! for though our Eedeemer was born in a stable, that is no reason why you are to keep his house always Jike one. ^^ And now I will read you the hst of subscribers, and it will make you ashamed when you hear the names of several FATHEE PHIL^S COLLECTIO:CT. 9 good and worthy Protestants in tlie parisli^ and out of it, toO; who have given more than the Cathohcs." SUBSCRIPTION LIST. Fob the Repairs and Enlargement of B a t.t.ysloug hguttheey Chapel. Philip Blake, P. P. Micky Hickey, £0 7s. 6d. '^ He might as well have made it ten shillings ; but half a loaf is hetther than no bread." ^^ Plaze your EeverencC;" says Mick, from the body of the chapel; ^^ sure seven and sixpence is more than the half of ten shillings." (A laugh.) '^ Oh, how witty you are ! Faith, if you knew your prayers as well as your arithmetic, it would be better for you, Micky." Here the Father turned the laugh against Mick. Billy Eiley, £0 35. 4cZ. ^^ Of course he means to sub- scribe again !" John Dwyer, £0 155. Od ^^ That^s somethmg like ! I'll be bound he^s only keeping back the odd five shillings for a brush-fall o^ paint for the althar ; it's as black as a crow, instead o^ being white as a dove." He then hurried over rapidly some small subscribers as follows : Peter Hefferman, £0 l5. 8^. James Mmphy, £0 25. M. Mat Donovan, £0 l5. Zd. Luke Dannely, £0 35. M, Jack Quigly, £0 25. Id. Pat Finnegan, £0 25. 2d. Edward O'Conkor, Esq., £2 O5. Od. ^^ There's for you 1 Edward O^Connor, Esq. — a Frotestant in the parisJi — two pounds." ^^ Long hfe to him !" cried a voice in the chapel. ^^Amen!" said Father Phil; ^^Pm not ashamed to be clerk to so good a prayer." 10 FATHER PHIL'S COLLECTION. Nicholas Fagan^ £0 2s. 6d. Yoiing Nicholas Fagan, £0 5c. Od. ''• Young Nick is bet- ther than ould Nick, you see.'' Tun Doyle, £0 7s. M. Owny Doyle, £1 05. M. ^^ Well done, Owny na Coppal — you deserve to prosper, for you make good use of your thiivings." Sunon Leary, £0 25. M. ; Bridget Murphy, £0 105. M, ^^You ought to be ashamed o' yourself, Simon: a lone widow woman gives more than you." ******* Jude Moylan, £0 55. Od. "• Very good, Judy, the women are behaving hke gentlemen; they'll have their reward in the next world." Pat Finnerty, £0 85. Ad. ^^I'm not sure if it is 85. Ad. or 35. Ad. J for the figure is blotted, but I beheve it is 85. 4cZ." ^' It was three and fourpince I gave your Ileverence,'^ said Pat fi'om the crowd. ^^ Well, Pat, as I said eight and fourpence, you must not let me go back 0' my word, so bring me five shillings next week.'^ ^^ Sm^e you wouldn't have me pay for a blot, sir f ^^Yis, I would; that's the rule of backgammon, you know, Pat. When I hit the mark, you pay for it." Here his Reverence turned around, as if looking for some one, and called out, ^^ Eatierty ! Eafferty ! Eafferty ! Where are you, Eafferty f ' An old gray-headed man appeared, bearing a large plate, and Father Phil continued — ^^ There now, be active — I'm sending him among you, good people, and such as cannot give as much as you would hke to be read before your neighbors, give what ht- tle you can towards the repairs, and I will continue to read out the names by way of encouragement to you — and the next name I see is that of Squke Egan. Long life to him !" FATHER PHIL'S C0LLECTI0:N^. 11 Squire Egax^ £5 Os. Od. ^^ Squire Egan — ^five pounds — ^listen to that — a Protestant in the parish — rive pounds ! Faith; the Protestants will make you ashamed of your- selves if you don't take care.'^ Mrs. Flanagan, £2 Qs. Od. ^^Not her o^nparish, either — a fine lady.'- James MiUigan of Eoundtown, £1 05. Od. ^^ And here I must remark that the people of Eoundtown have not been backward in coming forward on this occasion. I have a long hst from Roundtown — I will read it seioarate.'^ He then proceeded at a great pace, jumbhng the town and the pounds and the people in the most extraordinary manner : ^' James Milhgan of Roimdtown, one pound ; Darby Daly of Eoundtownj one pound , Sam Finnegan of Eoundtown, one pound ; James Casey of Eoundi30und, one town ; Kit Dwyer of Townpoujid, one round — ^pound, I mane; Pat Eoundpound, — Pounden, I mane — Pat Pounden a pound of Poundtown also — there's an example for you ! — ^^But what are you about, Eafferty? I don't like the sound of that pla^te of yours — ^you are not a good gleaner — go up first into the gallery there, where I see so many good-looking bonnets — I suppose they will give something to keep their bonnets out of the rain, for the wet will be Into the gaUery next Sunday if they don't. I think that is Kitty Crow I see, getting her bit of sUver ready ; them ribbons of yours cost a trifle, Kitty — Well, good Chris- tians, here is more of the subscription for you." Matthew Lavery, £0 25. 6d. ''He doesn^t belong to Boundtown — Eoundtown will be renowned m future ages for the support of the Church. Mark my words ! Eound- town will prosper from this day out — Eoundtown wnl be a rising place.'^ Mark Hennessy, £0 25. 6d; Luke Clancy, £0 25. M.; JohnDoohn, £0 25. M. ^^One would think they had all agreed only to give two and sixpence apiece. And they comfortable men, too ! And look at theh names — Mat- 12 FATHER PHIL'S COLLECTION. thew, Mark; Luke and John — tlie names of the blessed EvangehstS; and only ten shillings among them. Oh, they are apostles not worthy the name — we'll call them the poor apoRtles from this out !" (Here a low laugh ran through the chapel.) ^^Do you hear that^ Matthew, Mark, Luke and John f Faith ! I can tell you that name will stick to you." (Here the laugh was louder.) A voice, when the laugh subsided, exclaimed; ''• I'll make it ten shilhn's, your Reverence." " ^¥ho's that f" said Father Phil. ^^ Hennessy, your Reverence." ^^ Very well, Mark. I suppose Matthew, Luke and John will follow your example ?" ^^ We will, your Reverence." ^^ Ha ! I thought you made a mistake ; we'll call you now the faithful apostles — and I think the change in yom^ name is better than seven and sixpence apiece to you. " I see you in the gallery there, Rafferty. What do you pass that well-dressed woman for f thry back — Ha ! see that, she had her money ready if you only asked her for it ^-don't go by that other woman there — Oh, ho ! So you won't give anything, ma'am ? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. There is a woman with an elegant sthraw bon- net, and she won't give a farthing. Well now, afther that, remember — I give it fi'om the althar, that from this day out sthraw bonnets pay fi'penny pieces." Thomas Durfy, Esq., £1 Os. Od, ^'It's not his parish, and he's a brave gentleman.'^ Miss Fanny Dawson, £1 05. Od. '^ A Protestant out of the parish J and a sweet young lady, God bless her ! Oh, faith, the Protestants is shaming you !" Dennis Fannin, £0 7s, M. ^^ Very good indeed, for a working mason." Jemmy Riley, £0 55. M, ^^Not bad for a hedge car- penther." "• I gave you ten, plaze your Reverence," shouted Jem- FATHEE PHIL^S COLLECTIOl^J". 13 my; ^^ and by the same token, you may remember it was on the Nativity of the blessed Yargin, sir, I gave you the second five shillings. '^ ^^ So you did, Jemmy," cried Father Phil ; ^^ I put a little cross before it, to remind me of it ; but I was in a hurry to make a sick call when you gave it to me, and forgot it afther : and indeed myself doesn^t know what I did with that same uyg shillings." Here a paUid woman, who was kneehng near the rails of the altar, uttered an impa^ssioned blessing, and exclaimed, ^^ Oh, that was the very five shillings, I^m sure, you gave to me that very day, to buy some little comforts for my poor husband, who was dying in the fever !" and the poor woman bm^st into loud sobs as she spoke. A deep thrill of emotion ran through the flock as this ac- cidental proof of their poor pastor's beneficence burst upon them ; and as an affectionate murmur began to rise above the silence which that emotion produced, the burly Father Phihp blushed like a girl at this publication of his charity, and even at the foot of that altar where he stood, felt something like shame in being discovered in the commis- sion of that virtue so highly commended by the Providence to whose worship that altar was raised. He uttered a hasty '' Whisht, whisht !" and waved with his outstretched hands his flock into silence. In an instant one of those sudden changes so common to an Irish assembly, and scarcely credible to a stranger, took place. The multitude was hushed, the grotesque of the subscription hst had passed away and was forgotten, and that same man and that same multitude stood in altered relations — thet/ were again a reverent flock, and lie once more a solemn pastor ; the natural play of his nation's mirthful sarcasm was absorbed in a moment in the sacred- ness of his office, and, with a solemnity befitting the highest occasion, he placed his hands together before his breast, and, raising his eyes to Heaven, he poured forth 14 HOW PAT SAVED HIS BACOIT. his sweet voice^ with a tone of the deepest devotion, in that reverential call for prayer, ^^ Orate^ fratres P^ The soimd of a multitude gently kneeling down followed, like the soft breaking of a quiet sea on a sandy beach ; and when Father Philip turned to the altar to pray, his pent-up feelings found vent in tears, and while he prayed he wept. I believe such scenes as this are of not unfrequent occur- rence in Ireland — that country so longsufferiug, so much maligned, and so little understood. Oh, rulers of Ireland ! w^hy have you not sooner learned to lead that people by love, whom all your severity has been unable to drive f HOW PAT SAVED HIS BACON. ANON. Early one fine morning, as Terence OTleary was hard at work in his potatOrgarden, he was accosted by his gos- sip, Mick Casey, who he perceived had his Sunday clothes on. '^ God's 'bud ! Terry, man, what would you be afther doing there wid them praties, an Phelim O'Loughhn's bemn' goin' to take place *? Come along, ma bochel ! sure the praties will wait." ^' Och ! no," sis Terry, ^^ I must dig on this ridge for the childer's breakfast, an' thin I'm goin' to confession to Father O'Higgins, who holds a stashin beyont there at his own house." ^^ Bother take the stashin !" sis Mick, ^^ sure that ^ud wait too.'^ But Terence was not to be persuaded. Away went Mick to the ^^ berrin' ;" and Terence, having finished ^^wid the praties," as he said, went down to Father O'Higgins, where he was shown into the kitchen, to wait Ms turn for confession. He had not been long standing there, before the kitchen fire, when his attention B.OW PAT SAVED HIS BACOIT. 15 was attracted by a nice piece of bacon, which hung in the chimney-comer. Terry looked at it again and again, and wished the childer ^^ had it at home wid the praties." ^^ Mmther alive I" says he, ^^ will I take it f Sure the priest can spare it ; an' it would be a rare thrate to Judy an' the gossoons at home, to say nothin' iv myself, who hasn't tasted the hkes this many's the day." Terry looked at it again, and then turned away, saying, '^ I won't take it — why would I, an' it not mine, but the priest's 1 an' I'd have the sin iv it, sure*! I won't take it," rephed he, '^ an' it's nothin' but the Ould Boy himself that's temptin' me ! But sure it's no harm to feel it, any way," said he, taking it into his hand, and looking earnestly at it. ^' Och ! it's a beauty ; and why wouldn't I carry it home to Judy and the childer ? An' sure it won't be a sin afther I confesses it!" Well, into his greatcoat pocket he thrust it ; and he had scarcely done so, when the maid came in and told him that it was his tmn for confession. ^^ Murther alive ! I'm kilt and ruin'd, horse and foot, now, boy, Terry; what'IL I do in this quandary, at all, at all? By gannies ! I must thry an' make the best of it, any how," says he to himself, and in he went. He knelt to the priest, told his sins, and was about to receive absolution, when all at once he seemed to recoUect himself, and cried out : ^^ Oh ! stop — ^stop. Father O'Higgins, dear ! for goodness sake, stop ! I have one great big sin to tell yit ; only, sir, I'm frightened to tell id, in the regard of never having done the like afore, sur, niver !" ^^Come," said Father O'Higgins. ^^You must tell it to me." ^* Why, then, your Eiverince, I will tell id ,* but, sir, I'm ashamed like." ^^ Oh, never mind ! tell it," said the priest. ^^ Why, then, your Riverince, I went out one day to a 16 PATJDEEN O'EAFFERTY'S SAT YOYAGE. gintleman^s house, upon a little bit of business, an^ be bein^ ingaged, I was showed into the kitchen to wait. Well, sur, there I saw a beautiful bit iv bacon hanging in the chimbly-corner. I looked at id, your Eivermce, an' luy teeth began to wather. I don't know how it was, sur, but I suppose the Divil timpted me, for I put it into my pocket ; but, if you plaize, sur, I'll give it to you," and he put his hand into his pocket. ^^ Give it to me !" said Father O'Higgins ; ^^ no, certainly not ; give it back to the owner of it»" ^^ Why, then, your Eiverince, sur, I offered id to him, and he wouldn't take id." ^^Oh! he wouldn't, wouldn't he?" said the priest; '^ then take it home, and eat it yourself, with your family." ^' Thank your Eiverince kindly !" says Terence, " an' I'll do that same immediately, plaize God; but first and fore- most, I'll have the absolution, if you plaize, sir." Terence received absolution, and went home rejoicing that he had been able to save his soul and his bacon at the same time. PAUDEEN O'RAFFERTY'S SAY VOYAGE. ANONYMOUS. A Laughable Irish Recitation. Sure now, ladies and gintlemen, if ye plaze, I'U relate the great mistake I made when I came here to Naples- stop, aisy, Paudeen, and don't decaive the ladies and gin- tlemen ; for, bedad, I didn't come at ah ; they brought me, in a ship — a grate big ship, with two big sticks stand- ing out of it. Masts they call them, bad luck to it and the day I saw it. If I had been an ignorant feUow and didn't know joggraphy and the likes, I'd be safe enough at home now, so I would, in me own cellar, on the Coal-Quay in PATXDEE]^ O^RAPFEETY^S SAT VOYAGE. 17 Dublin. But, divil fire, me ! I must be making a man of myself, showing me laming me knowledge of similitude, and the likes. You see, I wint over to England on a bit of an agricultural speculation — ^hay-makin' and harvest- rapin^ — and, the saison behi' good, I realized a fortune, so I did — a matter of thirty shilhngs or so. So says I to myself, says I, ^^ Nov I have got an indipin- dant competance, I'U go back to Ireland — I U buy it out, and make meself emperor of it." So I axed one of the boys which was my nearest way to Bristol, to go be the say. So, says one of them — (be the same token he was a cousin of mine — one Terry O'Rafierty — as dacint a boy as you could wish to meet, and as handy with a shillaly. Why, I ve seen htm clear a tint at Donnybrook fair in less than two minutes, with divil a won to help except his bit of a stick, an^ you know that^s no aisy job.) Wen, says Terry to me, says he, " Go down to the quay," says he, ^^ and you'll find out all about it while a cat 'd be hckin' her ear." Well, I wint to a man that was standin' by the dure of a pubhc house — it was the sign of— the sign ^What the divil is this the sign was ? — ^you see I like to be sarcum- spectious ui me joggraphy— it was the sign of the blind cow kicking the dead " man's eyes out — or the dead man kicking the bliud cows eyes out — or the dead man's cow kicking the blind— no — weU, it was something that way, anyhow. So says I to the man, ^^ Sk," says I, '- 1 want a ship.'' ^^ There you are," says he. ^^ Where?" says L ^^ There," says he. '' Thank you/' Says I. " Which of thun's for Ireland?" ^^ Oh, you're an ould-countryman," says he. " How the divil did you find that out ?" says I. ^^ I know it," says he. " Who tould you f " says I. 18 PAUDEEN O^RAEEERTY^S SAT VOYAGE. "• No matther," says lie. '' Come/^ says he. '' I will/^ says I. Well^ we wint in, and we liad a half a pint of whisky. Oh, bedad, it ^d have done your heart good to see the bade rise on the top of it. Maybe my heart didn't warm to him, an' his to me, aw murther ! ^' Erin go bragh !" says he. ^' Ceadh mille failthe !" says I. And there we wor, like two sons of an Irish king, in less than a minute. Thin we got to discoorsing about Dublin and Naples, an' other furrin parts that we wor acquainted with, and he began talking about how like the Bay of Naples was to the Bay of Dublin — for, you see, he was an ould soger, d'ye mindf — an' thim oidd sogers are always mighty 'cute chaps. He was a grate big chap that was off in the wars among the Frinch and the Spaniards and the Eushers, and other barbarians. So we got talking of similitude an' jog- graj^hy, an' the likes, and mixin' Naples an' wather and Dublin an' whisky ) and be me sowl, purty punch we made of it! I was in the middle o' my glory, whin in walks the cap- tain o' the ship. '^ Any one here to go aboord ?" says he. '^ Here I am," says T. And be the same token, me head was quite soft with the whisky, and talking about Dublin an' Naples, and Naples an' whisky, and wather an' Dublin, Dublin an' Naples, Naples an' Dubhn— bad cess to me ! but I said the one place instead of the other, whin they axed me where I was going, d'ye mind ? "Well, they brought me aboord the ship as dhrunk as a lord, and threw me down in the cellar— the hould, they called it, and the divil's own hould it was— wid sacks, pigs, praties, an' other passengers, an' there they left me in lavendher, hke Paddy Ward's pig. PAUDEEN O^RAEFEETY^S SAY VOYAGE. 19 I fell asleep the first week. Wliin I woke up, didn't I heave ahead m me sthomatics enough to make me back- bone an' me ribs strike fire ! ^^ Arrah/^ says I to meself, says I, ^^ are they ever going to take me home f^ Just thin I h'ard a voice sing out : '' There's the Bay !" That was enough for me. I scrambled up-stairs till I got on the roof— the deck they call it — as fast as me legs could carry me. ^^ Land-ho !'^ says one of the chaps. '^ Where ?" says I. '^ There it is/' says he. ^^ For the love of glory, show me where !" says I. ^^ There, over the cat's head," says he. I looked around, but the divil recaive the cat's-head or dog's tail aither I could see ! The blaggard stared at me as if I was a banshee or a fairy. I gev another look, and there was the Bay, sm^e enough, afore me. ^^ Arrah good luck to you !" says I, ^^ but you warm the cockles of me heart. But what's come over the Hill of Howth ?" says I. ^^ It used to be a civil, paiceable soort of a mountain ; but now it's splutthering an' smokin' away like a grate big lime-kiln. Sure the boys must have ht a big bone-fire on top of it, to welcome me !" With that, a vagabone that was hstenin' to me, cries out in a horse-laugh : '' Hill of Howth ?" says he. "You're a Grecian — ^that's not the Hill of Howth." " Not the Hin of Howth?" says I. "No," says he. "That's Mount Vesuvius." "Aisy, aisy!" says I. "Isn't Mount Yesulpherous in Italy?" " Yis," says he. " An' isn't Italy in France I" says I. " Of coorse it is,'^ says he. 20 TTA-Nrnv a:[^by^s little mistakes. '^ An^ isn^t France in Gibberalther f ^ says I. ^^ To be sure/^ says lie. ^' An' isn't Gibberalther in Eussia V^ says I. ^' Maybe so/' says he. ^^ But we're in Italy, anyhow— this is the Bay of Naples, and that is Mount Vesuvius." '^ Ai^e you sure f says I. ^^ I am/' says he. And, be me sowl, it was thrue for him. The ship made a Ug hhmdher in takin' me to Naples, whin I wanted to go to Dublin, d'ye mind ? HANDY ANDY'S LITTLE MISTAKES. LOVER, A LaiighaUe Irish Story. Andy Eooney was a fellow who had the most singularly ingenious knack of doing everything the wi^ong way ; dis- appointment waited on all affairs in which he bore a part, and destruction was at his fingers' ends : so the nickname the neighbors stuck upon him was Handy Andy, and the jeering jingle pleased him. When Andy grew up to be what in country parlance is caUed ^^ a brave lump of a boy," his mother thought he was old enough to do something for himself; so she took him one day along with her to the squire's, and waited outside the door, loitering up and down the yard behind the house, among a crowd of beggars and great lazy dogs, that were thrusting their heads into every hon pot that stood outside the kitchen door, until chance might give her ^^ a sight o' the squire afore he wint out, or afore he wint in /' and after spendtag her entire day in this idle way, at last the squire made his appearance, and Judy presented her son, who kept scraping his foot, and pulling his forelock, that stuck out like a piece of ragged thatch from his forehead, making his obeisance to the squire, while his mother was sounding his praises for being the HAOT)Y Al!a)Y'S LITTLE MISTAKES. 21 '^ handiest crayther alive — and so willin^ — ^nothin' comes wrong to him.^^ ^^ I suppose the Enghsh of all this is, you want me to take him f ^ said the squire. "• Throth, an^ your honor, that's just it — ^if your honor would be plazed." '' What can he do f ' ^^ Anything, your honor. '^ ^^ That means nothing, I suppose/' said the squire. ^^ Oh, no, sir. Everything, I mane, that you would de- sire him to do." To every one of these assurances on his mother's part, Andy made a how and a scrape. ^^ Can he take care of horses ?" ^^ The best of care, sir," said the mother, while the miller, who was standing behind the squire, waiting for orders, made a grimace at Andy, who was obhged to cram his face into his hat to hide the laugh, which he could hardly smother from being heard, as well as seen. '^ Let him come, then, and help in the stables, and we'll see what he can do." '^ May the Lord—" ^^ That'll do— there, now go." ^^ Oh, sure, but I'll pray for you, and — " ^^ Will you go!" ^^And may the angels make your honor's bed this blessed night, I pray." ^' If you don't go, your son shan't come." Judy and her hopeful boy turned to the right-about in double-quick time, and hurried down the avenue. The next day Andy was duly installed into his office of stable-helper ; and, as he was a good rider, he was soon made whipper-in to the hounds, for there was a want of such a fimctionary in the estabhshment ) and Andy's bold- ness in this capacity soon made him a favorite with the squire; who was one of those rollicking boys on the pat- 22 HANDY ANDY'S LITTLE MISTAKES. tern of the old school, who scorned the attentions of a regular valet, and let any one that chance threw m his way bring him his boots, or his hot water for shaving, or his coat, whenever it ivas brushed. One morning, Andy, who was very often the attendant on such occasions, came to his room with hot water. He tapped at the door. '' Who's that I" said the squire, who had just risen, and did not know but it might be one of the women servants. '^ It's me, sir." '' Oh— Andy ! Come in." '^ Here's the hot water, sir," said Andy, bearing an enormous tin can. ^^ Why, what the devil brings that enormous tin can here ? You might as well bring the stable bucket." ^^ I beg your pardon, sir," said Andy, retreating. In two minutes more Andy came back, and, tapping at the door, put in his head cautiously and said, ^^ The maids in the kitchen, your honor, says there's not so much hot water ready." ^^ Did I not see it a moment since in your hand?" '^ Yes, sir ; but that's not nigh the full o' the stable- bucket !" ^^Go along, you stupid thief! and get me some hot water directly." ^' Will the can do, sir?" '^ Ay, anything, so you make haste." Off posted Andy, and back he came with the can. ^^ Where'U I put it, sir?" ^^ Throw this out," said the squire, handing Andy a jug containing some cold water, meaning the jug to be re- plenished with the hot. Andy took the jug, and the window of the room being open, he very deliberately threw the jug out. The squire started with wonder, and at last said : ^' What did you do that for?" ^' Sure you towld me to throw it out, sir." ha:n"dy andy^s little mistakes. 23 ^^ Go out of this^ you thick-headed villain !'^ said the squire^ throwing his boots at Andy's head, along with some very neat curses. Andy retreated, and thought himself a very ill-used person. The first time Andy was admitted into the mysteries of the dining-room, great was his wonder. The butler took him in to give him some previous instructions, and Andy was so lost in admiration at the sight of the assembled glass and plate, that he stood with his mouth and eyes wide open, and scarcely heard a word that was said to him. ^^ What are you looking at?" said the butler. ^^ Them things, sh," said Andy, pointing to some silver forks. ^^ Is it the forks ?" said the butler. ^^Oh no, sir. I know what forks is very well; but I never seen them things afore." '^ What things do you mean!" ^^ These things, sir," said Andy, taking up one of the silver forks, and turning it round and round in his hand in utter astonishment, while the butler grinned at his ignorance, and enjoyed his own superior knowledge. '' Well," said Andy, after a long pause, ^^ the devil be from me if ever I seen a silver spoon spht that way be- fore !" The butler gave a horse-laugh, and made a standing joke of Andy^s spht spoon; but time and experience made Andy less impressed with wonder at the show of plate and glass, and the spht spoons became famihar as '' household words " to him ) yet still there were things in the duties of table attendance beyond Andy's comprehension — ^he used to hand cold plates for fish, and hot plates for jelly, etc. But ^^ one day," as Zanga says — ^^ one day " he was thrown off his centre in a remarkable degree by a bottle of soda- water. It was when that combustible was first introduced into 24 HANDY AKDY^S LITTLE MISTAKES. Ireland as a dinner beverage that the occnrence took place, and Andy had the luck to be the person to whom a gentleman applied for some soda-water. '^Sirf^ said Andy. '^ Soda-water," said the guest, in that subdued tone in which people are apt to name their wants at a dinner-table. Andy went to the butler. ^^ Mr. Morgan, there^s a gintleman — " '^ Let me alone, will you f ^ said Morgan. Andy maneuvered round him a httle longer, and again essayed to be heard. ^^Mr. Morgan!" '^ Don't you see I'm as busy as I can be ? Can't you do it yourself?" ^' I dunno what he wants." '^ Well, go and ax him," said Mr. Morgan. Andy went off as he was bidden, and came behind the thirsty gentleman's chair, with " I beg yoiu" pardon, sir." ^' Well," said the gentleman. ^^ I beg your pardon, sir ; but what's this you axed me for?" " Soda-water." '^What, sir?" ^^ Soda-water; but perhaps you have not any." ^' Oh, there's plenty in the house, sir ! Would you like it hot, sh ? " The gentleman laughed, and supposing the new fashion was not understood in the present company, said, " Never mind." But Andy was too anxious to please to be so satisfied, and again applied to Mr. Morgan. '' Sir ! " said he. ^^ Bad luck to you ! — can't you let me alone ? " ^^ There's a gentleman wants some soap and wather." ^^ Some what?" ^' Soap and wather, sir." HAKDY AXDY'S little MISTAKES. 25 '^ Divil sweep you ! — Soda-wather, you mane. You'll get it under the sideboard." ^^ Is it in the can, sir f ^^ ^^ The curse o' Crum'll on you ! in the bottles." '^ Is this it; sh" ?" said Andy, producing a bottle of ale. ^^ No, bad cess to you ! — the little bottles." '^ Is it the little bottles with no bottoms, sir ?" '^ I wish you wor in the bottom o^ the say !" said Mr. Morgan, who was faming and puffing, and rubbing down his face with a napkin, as he was hurrying to all quarters of the room, or, as Andy said, in praising his activity, that he was, ^^ like bad luck — everywhere." ^^ There they are !" said Morgan at last, ^^ Oh ! them bottles that won^t stand," said Andy ; ^^sure themes what I said, with no bottoms to them. Howll I open it ? — ^it^s tied down." ^^ Cut the cord, you fool !" Andy did as he was desired ; and he happened at the time to hold the bottle of soda-water on a level with the candles that shed hght over the festive board from a large silver branch, and the moment he made the incision, bang went the bottle of soda, knocking out two of the lights with the projected cork, which, performing its parabola the length of the room, struck the squhe himself in the eye at the foot of the table ) while the hostess at the head had a cold bath down her back. Andy, when he saw the soda-water jumping out of the bottle, held it from him at arm^s length ; every fizz it made, exclaiming, ^^ Ow ! — ow ! — ow ! — " and, at last, when the bottle was empty, he roared out, ^^ Oh, Lord— it^s all gone !" Great was the commotion; — few could resist laughter except the ladies, who all looked at their gowns, not lik- ing the mixture of satin and soda-water. The extinguished candles were re-lighted — the squire got his eye open again — and the next time he perceived the butler sufficiently near to speak to him, he said in a low and hurried tone of 26 HANDY ANDY'S LITTLE MISTAKES. deep anger, while he Imit his brow, '^ Send that fellow out of the room V^ but, within the same instant, resumed the for- mer smile, that beamed on all around as if nothing had happened. Andy was expelled the dining-room m disgrace, and for days kept out of the master^s and mistress's way : in the meantime the butler made a good story of the thing in the servants' haU ; and, when he held up Andy^s ignorance to ridicule, by telling how he asked for ^^ soap and water," Andy was given the name of '^ Suds," and was called by no other for months after. But, though Andy's functions in the interior were sus- pended, his services in out-of-door affairs were occasionally put in requisition. But here his evil genius still haunted him, and he put his foot in a piece of business his master sent him upon one day, which was so simple as to defy almost the chance of Andy making any mistake about it ; but Andy was very ingenious in his own particular hue. '^ Eide into the town and see if there's a letter for me," said the squire one day to our hero. '^ Yes, sir.'^ ^' You kuow where to go ?" ^^ To the town, sir." '' But do you know where to go in the town ?" ^' No, sir." ^^ And why don't you ask, you stupid thief ?" ^^ Sure I'd find out, sir." '^ Didn't I often teU you to ask what you're to do, when you don't know ?" ^^ Yes, sir." ^^ And why don't you ?" ''I don't like to be troublesome, sir." ^^ Confound you !" said the squire ; though he could not help laughing at Andy's excuse for remaining In ignorance. ^^ Well,'^ continued he, ^^go to the post-office. You know the post-office I suppose I" HANDY ANDY^S LITTLE MISTAKES. 27 '^ Yes, sir; where they sell gunpowder.'^ ^^ You're right for once/' said the sqiui^e ; for hismajesty^s postmaster was the person who had the privilege of deal- ing in the aforesaid combustible. '^ GrO then to the post- ofiice and ask for a letter for me. Eemember, not gun- powder, but a letter.'^ ^^ YiS; sir/^ said Andy, who got astride of his hack, and trotted away to the post-office. On arriving at the shop of the postmaster (for that person carried on a brisk trade- in groceries, gimlets, broadcloth, and hnen-drapery), Andy presented himself at the counter, and said, ^^ I want a letther, sir, if you plaze.'^ ^^ Who do you want it for?'^ said the postmaster, in a tone which Andy considered an aggression upon the sacredness of private life; so Andy thought the coolest contempt he could throw upon the prying impertinence of the postmaster was to repeat his question. ^^ I want a letther, sir, if you plaze.'^ '^And who do you want it for?'' repeated the post- master. '' What's that to you?" said Andy. The postmaster, laughing at his simplicity," told him he could not tell what letter to give him imless he told him the directions. ^^ The directions I got was to get a letther here — that's the directions." ^^ Who gave you those directions V^ '' The masther." ^^ And who's your master?" ^^ What consarn is that o' yours?" '^ Why, you stupid rascal ! if you don't tell me his name, bow can I give you a letter ?" ^^ You could give it if you liked, but you're fond of axin' mapident questions, bekase you think I'm simple." ^^ Go along out o' this ! Your master must be as great a goose as yourself, to send such a messenger." 28 HAJSTDY A^mY^S LITTLE MISTAKES. '^ Bad luck to your impidence," said Andy ; '^ is it Squire Egan you dare to say goose to V^ '^ Oil, Squire Egan's yoiir master, then?" ^^ Yes ] liave you anything to say agin it ?" ^^ Only that I never saw you before." '' Faith, then you'll never see me agin if I have my own consent." "' I won't give you any letter for the squne, unless I know you're his servant. Is there any one in the town knows you ?" ^^ Plenty," said Andy ; '^ it's not every one is as ignorant as you." Just at this moment a person to whom Andy was known entered the house, who vouched to the postmaster that he might give Andy the squire's letter. "• Have you one for me?" '^ Yes, sir," said the postmaster, producing one — ^^ four- pence." The gentleman paid the fourpence postage, and left the shop with his letter. '^Here's a letter for the squire," said the postmaster; '^ you've to pay me elevenpence postage." '^ What 'ud I pay elevenpence for?" '^ For postage." ^^ To the divil wid you ! Didn't I see you give Mr. Durfy a letther for fourpence this minit, and a bigger let- ter than this ? and now you want me to pay elevenpence for this scrap of a thing. Do you think I'm a fool ?" ^' No ; but I'm sure of it," said the postmaster. ^^ WeU, you're welkim to be sure, sure ; — ^but don't be delayin' me now : here's fourpence for you, and gi' me the letther." ^^ Oo along, you stupid thief!" said the postmaster, tak- ing up the letter, and going to serve a customer with a mousetrap. While this person and many others were served, Andy HAI^TDY AXDT^S LITTLE MISTAKES. 29 lounged up and down the shop, every now and then put- ting in his head in the middle of the customers; and say- mg, '^ Will you gi' me the lettherf ' He waited for above half an hour, in defiance of the anathemas of the postmaster, and at last left, when he found it impossible to get common justice for his master, which he thought he deserved as well as another man ; for, under this impression, Andy determined to give no more than lom^pence. The squhe in the meantime was getting impatient for his return, and when Andy made his appearance asked if there was a letter for him. ^^ There is, sir,'' said Andy. " Then give it to me.'' '^ I haven^t it, sir." '^ What do you mean f^ " He wouldn^t give it to me, sir.'^ ^^ Who wouldn^t give it to you!" ^^That owld chate heyant in the town— wanting to charge double for it.'' ^^ Maybe it's a double letter. Why the devil didn't you pay what he asked, sh !" ^' Arrah, sir, why would I let you be chated ? It's not a double letther at all : not above half the size o' one Mr. Durfy got before my face for fourpence." ^^ You'll provoke me to break your neck some day, you vagabond ! Eide back for your life, you omadhaun ; and pay whatever he asks, and get me the letter." ^' Why, sir, I tell you he was selling them before my face for fourpence apiece." ^^ Go back, you scoundrel ! or I'll horsewhip you ; and if you're longer than an hour, I'll have you ducked in the horsepond !" Andy vanished, and made a second visit to the post- ofiice. When he arrived, two other persons were getting letters^ and the postmaster was selecting the epistles for 30 JIMMY BUTLEE AITD THE OWL. each, from a large parcel tliat lay before him on the comiter; at the same time many shop customers were waiting to be served. ^^ I'm come for the letther/^ said Andy. ^^ rU tend to you by and by." ''' The masther's in a hurry." "■ Let him wait till his hm-ry's over." '^ He'll murther me if Tm not back soon." " I'm glad to hear it." While the postmaster went on with such provoking answers to these appeals for dispatch, Andy's eye caught the heap of letters which lay on the counter ; so, while certain weighing of soap and tobacco was going forward, he contrived to become pessessed of two letters from the heap, and, having effected that, waited patiently enough till it was the gTeat man's pleasure to give him the missive directed to his master. Then did Andy bestride his hack, and in triumph at his trick on the postmaster, rattle along the road homeward as fast as the beast could carry him. He came into the squire's presence, his face beaming with delight, and an air of self-satisfied superiority in his manner, quite unac- countable to his master, until he pulled forth his hand, which had been grubbing up his prizes from the bottom of his pocket ; and holding three letters over his head, while he said, ^^ Look at that !" he next slapped them down un- der his broad fist on the table before the squire, saying : ^^ Well ! if he did make me pay elevenpence, by gor, I brought your honor the worth o' your money anyhow !" JIMMY BUTLER AND THE OWL. An Irish Story. anonymous. 'Twas in the summer of '46 that I landed at Hamilton, fresh as a new pratie just dug from the ^^ould sod," and wid a light heart and a heavy bundle I sot off for the JIMMY BTJTLEE A]S"D THE OWL. 31 township of Buforcl^ tiding a taste of a song, as merry a young fellow as iver took the road. Well, I trudged on and on, past many a plisint place, pleasin' myself wid the thought that some day I might have a place of my own, wid a world of chickens and ducks and pigs and childer about the door ; and along in the afternoon of the sicond day I got to Buford village. A cousin of me mother's, one Dennis O^Dowd, lived about sivin miles from there, and I wanted to make his place that night, so I inquired the way at the tavern, and was lucky to find a man who was goin^ part of the way an^ would show me the way to find Dennis. Sure he was very kind indade, an' when I got out of his wagon he pointed me through the wood and tould me to go straight south a mile an' a half, and the first house would be Dennis's. ^^ An' you've no time to lose now," said he, ^^ for the sun is low, and mind you don't get lost in the woods." '^ Is it lost now," said I, ^^ that I'd be gittin, an' me imcle as great a navigator as iver steered a ship across the thrackless say ! . Not a bit of it, though I'm obleeged to ye for your kind advice, and thank yiz for the ride." An' wid that he drove off an' left me alone. I shoul- dered me bundle bravely, an' whisthn' a bit of time for company hke, I pushed into the bush. Well, I went a long way over bogs, and turnin' round among the bush an' trees tiH I began to think I must be weU-nigh to Den- nis's. Bu% bad cess to it ! aU of a sudden I came out of the woods at the very identical spot where I started in, which I knew by an' ould crotched .tree that seemed to be standin' on its head an' kickin' up its heels to make divar- sion of me. By this time it was growin' dark, and as there was no time to lose, I started in a second time, de- termined to keep straight south this time, and no mistake. I got on bravely for a while, but och hone ! och hone ! it got so dark I couldn't see the trees, and I bumped me nose and barked me shinS; while the miskaties bit me 32 JIMMY BUTLER AJ^D THE OWL. hands and face to a blister ; an^ after tumblin' and stum- bling around till I was fairly bamfoozled, I sat down on a log, all of a trimble, to think that I was lost intirely, an^ that maybe a hon or some other wild craythur would de- vour me before morning. Just then I heard somebody a long way off say, ^^ Whip poor Will !" ^^ Bedad P sez I, ^^ I^m glad it isn^t Jamie that's got to take it, though it seems it's more in sorrow than hi anger they are doin' it, or why should they say, ^ poor Wih V an' sure they can^t be Injin, haythin, or nay- gur, for it's plain English they're afther spakii'. Maybe they might help me out of this/' so I shouted at the top of my voice, ^^A lost man!" Thin I hstened. Prisently an answer came. ^^Who? Whoo? Whooo!" ^^ Jamie Butler, the waiver!" sez I, as loud as I could roar, an' snatchin' up me bundle an' stick, I started in the direction of the voice. Whin I thought I had got near the place I stopped and shouted again. ^^A lost man !" ^' Who ! Whoo ! Whooo !" said a voice right over my head. '^ Sure," thinks I, ^^ it's a mighty quare place for a man to be at this time of night ; maybe it's some settler sera- pin' sugar off a sugar bush for the children's breakfast in the mornin'. But where's Will and the rest of them ?" All this wint through me head like a flash, an' then I answered his inquiry. ^^ Jamio Butler, the waiver," sez I ; " and if it wouldn't inconvanience yer honor, would yez be kind enough to step down and show me the way to the house of Dennis O'Dowd I" ^^ Who ! Who ! Whooo !" sez he. ^' Dennis O'Dowd !" sez I, civil enough, ^' and a dacent man he is, and first cousin to me own mother." ^- Who ! Whoo ! Whooo I" sez he again. ^^Me mother!" sez I, ^^and as fine a woman as iver AK lEISH LETTER. 35 And sounded aloud with the Irishman's bang , The wife screamed aloud, and the husband appears At the window, his shoulders shrugg'd up to his ears. ' So ho ! honest friend, pray what is the matter, That at this time of night you should make such a clatter f ' Go to bed ! go to bed V says Pat, ^^ my dear honey I am not a robber to ask for your money ; I borrowed your knocker before it was day, To waken the landlord right over the icayJ* AN IRISH LETTER. Written during the Rebellion by an Irish Member of Parliament to his friend in London. My Dear Sie : Having now a little peace and quietness, I sit down to inform you of the dreadful bustle and con- fasion we are in from these bloodthirsty rebels, most of whom are, I am glad to say, killed and dispersed. We are in a pretty mess, can get nothing to eat, nor wine to drink, except whisky, and when we sit down to dinner we are obhged to keep both hands armed. Whilst I write this, I hold a sword in each hand and a pistol in the other. I concluded from the beginning that this would be the end of it, and I see I was right, for it is not half over yet. At present there are such goings on that everything is at a stand-stiU. I should have answered your letter a fortnight ago, but I did not receive it till this morning. Indeed, scarcely a mail arrives safe without being robbed. No longer ago than yesterday the coach with the mails from Dubhn was robbed near this town ; the bags had been judiciously left behiQd for fear of accident, and by good luck there was nobody in it but two outside passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to take. Last Thursday notice was given that a gang of rebels was advancmg here under the French standard, but they 36 ROrvY O^MORE^S PRESENT TO THE PRIEST. had no colors^ nor any drums except bagpipes. Immedi- ately every man in the place, including women and chil- dren, ran out to meet them. We soon found our force much too little ; we were far too near to think of retreat- ing. Death was in every face, but to it we went, and by the time half our httle party were killed, we began to be all alive again. Fortunately the rebels had no guns, ex- cept pistols, cutlasses and pikes, and as we had plenty of muskets and ammunition, we put them all to the sword. Not a soul of them escaped, except some that were drowned in an adjacent bog, and, in a very short time, nothing was to be heard but silence. Their uniforms were all diflerent colors, but mostly green. After the action we Went to rummage a sort of camp, which they had left behind them. All we found was a few pikes without heads, a parcel of empty bottles full of water, and a bundle of French com- missions filled up with Irish names. Troops are now stationed all round the country, which exactly squares with my ideas. I have only time to add that I am in great haste. Yours truly. P. S. — If you do not receive thiSj of course it must have miscarried, therefore I beg you wiU write to let me know. RORY CHORE'S PRESENT TO THE PRIEST. SAMUEL LOVER. An Irish Recitation. '^ Why, thin, I'll tell you," said Rory. ^^ I promised my mother to bring a present to the priest from Dublin, and I could not make up my mind rightly what to get all the time I was there. I thought of a pair o' top-boots; for, in- deed^ his reve^ence^s is none of the best, and only you know them to be top-boots, you would not take them to be EORY O^MORE^S PEESE:N^T TO THE PRIEST. 37 top-boots, bekase the bottoms has been put In so often that the tops is worn out intirely, and is no more hke top- boots than my brogues. So I went to a shop in Dubhn^ and picked out the purtiest pair o' top-boots I could see ; whin I say purty^ I don't mane a flourishin' taarin^ pair, but sitch as was fit for a priest, a respectable pak of boots ) and with that, I pulled out my good money to pay for thim, whin jist at that minit, remembering the thricks o' the town, I bethought oV myself, and says I, ^I suppose these are the right thing V says I to the man. ^ You can thry them,' says he. ^ How can I thry them V says I. ^ Pull them on you,' says he. ' Troth, an' I'd be sorry,' said I, Ho take such a hberty with them,' says I. ^ Why, aren't you gotu' to ware thim V says he. ^ Is it me V says I, ^ me ware top-boots ? Do you think it's takin' lave of me sinsis I am ?' says I. ^ Then what do you want to buy them for f says he. ' For his reverence. Father Kinshela,' says I. ^ Are they the right sort for him V ' How should I know V says he. ^ You're a purty bootmaker,' says I, ^ not to know how to make a priest's boot !' ' How do I know his size f says he. ' Oh, don't be comin' off that way,' says I. ^ There's no sitch great differ betune priests and other min !' " "I think you were very right there," said the pale traveler. - ^ ^^ To be sure, sir,'' said Eory ; ^^ and it was only jist a come- o^ for his own ignorance. ^ TeU me his size,' says the fellow, ' and I'U fit him.' ' He's betune five and six fut,' says I. ^ Most men are,' says he, laughin' at me. He was an impident fellow. ^ It's not the five, nor the six, but his two feet I want to know the size of,' says he. So I persaived he was jeerhi' me, and says I, ^ Why, thin, you respectful vagabone o' the world, you Dublin jackeen ! do you mane to insiiiivate that Father Kinshela ever wint bare- fatted in his fife, that I could know the size of his fat?' says I ; and with that I threw the boots in his face. ' Take that,' says I, ^you dirty thief o' the world ! you impident 38 PvOEY O^MORE^S PRESENT TO THE PRIEST. vagabone of the world ! you ignorant citizen of the world !^ And with that I left the place." ^^ It is their usual practice," said the traveler, ^' to take measure of their customers." ^asit, thm?" '' It really is." ^^ See that, now !" said Rory, with an air of triumph. ^^You would think that they wor cleverer in the town than in the country ; and they ought to he so, by all ac- counts ; but in the regard of what I towld you, you see, we^re before them intirely." '' How so ?" said the traveler. ^^ Arrah ! bekase they never throuble people in the country at all with takin^ their measure ; but you jist go to a fair, and bring your fut along with you, and somebody else dhrives a cartful o^ brogues into the place, and there you sarve yourself; and so the man gets his money, and you get your shoes, and every one^s plazed." ^' But what I mane is, where did I leave off tellin' you about the present for the priest f wasn^t it at the boot- maker^s shop ? yes, that was it. Well, sir, on lavin' the shop, as soon as I kem to myself afther the fellow^s impidence, I began to think what was the next best thing I could get for his reverence ; and with that, while I was thinkin' about it, I seen a very respectable owld gintleman goin^ by, with the most beautiful stick in his hand I ever set my eyes on, and a goolden head to it that was worth its weight in goold ; and it gev him such an illigant look altogether, that says I to myself, ^ It's the very thing for Father Kinshela, if I could get sitch another.' And so I wint lookin' about me every shop I seen as I wint by, and at last, in a sthreet they call Dame sthreet, and by the same token I didn't know why they called it Dame sthreet till I ax'd ; and I was towld they called it Dame sthreet bekase the ladies were so fond o' walkin' there ; and lovely craythurs they were ! and I can't beheve that the town is RORY O^MORE'S present TO THE PRIEST. 39 such an onwholesome place to live in, for most o^ the ladies I seen there had the most beautiful rosy cheeks I ever clapt my eyes upon ; and the heautifal rowlin^ eyes o' them ! Well; it was in Dame sthreet, as I was saying that I kem to a shop where there was a power o' sticks, and so I wint in and looked at thim ; and a man in the place kem to me and ax'd me if I wanted a cane. ' No/ says I, ^ I don^t want a cane ; it's a stick I want/ says I. 'A cane, you mane,'' says he. ^ No/ says I, ' it^s a stick/ for I was determined to have no cane, but to stick to the stick. ' Here^s a nate one/ says he. ^ I don't want a nate one/ says I, ^ but a responsible one/ says I. ^ Faith !' says he, ' if an Irishman's stick was responsible, it would have a great dale to answer for,' and he laughed a power ; I didn't know myself what he meant, but that's what he said." ^' It was because you asked for a responsible stick," said the traveler. " And why wouldn't I," said Rory, ^^ when it was for his reverence I wanted it ? Why wouldn't he have a nice- looking, respectable, responsible" stick f ^^ Certainly," said the traveler. ^^ Well, I picked out one that looked to my hkin', a good substantial stick, with an ivory top to it ; for I seen that the goold-headed ones was so dear that I couldn't come up to them; and so says I, ^ Give me a howld o' that,' says I, and I tuk a grip iv it. I never was so surprised ui my life. I thought to get a good, brave handful of a sohd stick, but, my dear, it was weU it didn't fly out o' my hand a'most, it was so hght. ^ Phew !' says I, ^ what sort of a stick is this f ^ I teU you it's not a stick, but a cane,' says he. ^ Faith ! I b'heve you,' says I. ' You see how good and light it is,' says he. Think o' that, sir ! to call a stick good and light, as if there could be any good in life in a stick that wasn't heavy and could sthreck a good blow ! ^ Is it jokin' you are ?' says I. ^ Don't you feel it yourself?' 40 RORY O^MORE^S PRESENT TO THE PRIEST. says he. ^ Throth, I can hardly feel it at all/ says I. ^ Sure that^s the beauty of it/ says he. Think o' the igno- rant vagabone ! to call a stick a beauty that was as light a'most as a bulrush ! ' And so you can hardly feel it 1' says he, grinnin\ ' Yis, indeed/ says I ; ^ and what's worse, I don't think I could make any one else feel it, either.' ^ Oh ! you want a stick to bate people with !' says he. ^ To be sure/ says I ; ^ sure that's the use of a stick.' ^ To knock the sinsis out o' people !' says he, grinnin' again. ^ Sartinly/ says I, ^ if they're saucy/ lookin' hard at him at the same time. ^ Well, these is only walkin'-sticks,' says he. ^ Throth, you may say r^m7^^n' -sticks,' says I, ^ for you daren't stand before any one with sitch a tliraneen as that in your fist.' ' Well, pick out the heaviest o' them you plaze,' says he ; ^ take your choice.' So I wint pokin' and rummagin' among thim, and, if you beheve me, there wasn't a stick in their whole shop worth a kick in the shins — divil a one 1" ^^ But why did you require such a heavy stick for the priest?" ^^ Bekase there's not a man in the parish wants it more," says Eory. ^^ Is he so quarrelsome, then V said the traveler. *^ No, but the greatest o' pacemakers,^' says Eory. " Then what does he want the heavy stick for?" ^^ For wallopin' his flock, to be sure," said Eory. ^^ Walloping !" said the traveler, choking with laughter. ^^ Oh ! you may laugh," said Eory, ^^ but, 'pon me sowl ! you wouldn't laugh if you wor imdher his hand, for he has a brave heavy one, God bless him and spare him to us !" ^^ And what is all this walloping for?" "^ ^^ Why, sir, whin we have a bit of a fight, for fun, or the regular faction one, at the fair, his reverence sometimes hears of it, and comes av coorse !" ^^ Good God !" said the traveler, in real astonishment, <' does the priest join in the battle f RORY O^MOEE^S PRESEl^T TO THE PEIEST. 41 '^ No^ nO; no^ sir ! I see you^re quite a stliranger in the counthry. The priest join in ! Oh ! by no manes. But he comes and stops it ; and av coorse the only way he can stoj) it is to ride into thim; and wallop thim all round before him^ and disparse thim ; scatter thim like chaff before the wind ; and it's the best o' sticks he requires for that same.'' ^^ But might he not have his heavy stick for that pur- posC; and make use of a lighter one on other occasions f^ ''' As for that matther, sir/' said Eory, ^' there's no know- in^ the minit he might want it, for he is often necessitated to have recoorse to it. It might be, going through the vil- lage, the public-house is too full, and in he goes and dhrives thim out. Oh ! it would delight your heart to see the style he clears a pubhc-house in, in no time !" "But wouldn't his speaking to them answer the purpose as well?"' " Oh, no ! he doesn't like to throw away his discoorse on thim ; and why should he ? he keeps that for the blessed althar on Sunday, which is a fitter place for it ; besides, he does not hke to be sevare on us." " Severe!" said the traveler, in surprise, "why, haven't you said that he thrashes you round on all occasions f " "Yis, sir; but what o'that? sure that's nothin' to his tongue ; his words is hke swoords or rhazors, I may say ) we're used to a hck of a stick every day, but not to sich language as his reverence sometimes murthers us with when we displaze him. Oh ! it's terrible, so it is, to have the weight of his tongue on you ! Throth ! I'd rather let him bate me from this tiU to-morrow, than have one angry word with him." " I see, then, he must have a heavy stick," said the traveler. " To be sure he must, sir, at aU times -, and that was the raison I was so particular in the shop ; and afther spendin' over an hour, would you b'lieve it ? divil a stick I could get in the place fit for a child; much less a man." 42 RORY O^MORE'S PRESENT TO THE PRIEST. ^^ But about the gridiron'?" ^^ Sm^e Pm telliu^ you about it/' said Eory; '^onlyrm not come to it yet. You see/' continued he, ^^ I was so disgusted with them shopkeepers in Dublin that my heart was fairly broke ^ith their ignorance, and I seen they knew nothin' at all about what I wanted, and so I came away without anything for his reverence, though it was on my mind all this day on the road ; and comin' through the last town, in the middle o' the rain, I thought of a gridiron.'' ^^ A very natural thing to think of in a shower of rain/' said the traveler. ^^ No, 'twasn't the rain made me think of it. I think it was God must have put a gridiron in my heart, seein' that it was a present for the priest I intended ; and when I thought of it, it came into my head, afther, that it would be a fine thing to sit on, for to keep one out of the rain, that was ruinatin' my corderoys on the top o' the coach ; so I kept my eye out as we dhrove along up the sthreet, and sure enough what should I see at a shop half-way down the town, but a gridiron hanging up at the door ! and so I went back to get it." ^^ But isn't a gridiron an odd present ? hasn't his rev- erence one already f ^^ He had, sir, before it was bruk ; but that's what I re- membered, for I happened to be up at his place one day, sittin' in the kitchen, when Molly was brihn' some mate on it for his reverence ; and while she jist turned about to get a pinch o' salt to shake over it, the dog that was in the place made a dart at the gridiron on the fire, and threw it down, and up he whips the mate, before one of us could stop him. With that Molly whips up the gridiron, and says she, ^ Bad luck to you, you disrespectful baste ! would nothin' sarve you but the priest's dinner?' and she made a crack o' the gridiron at him. ^ As you have the mate, you shall have the gridiron too,' says she ; and with MISS MALOIO' ON THE CHHTESE QUESTIO]^. 43 that she gave him such a rap on the head with it, that the bars flew out of it, and his head went through it, and away he pulled it out of her hands, and ran oh' with the gridiron hangin^ round his neck like a necklace ; and he went mad almost with it ) for though a kettle to a dog's tail is nathrel, a gridiron round his neck is very surprisin' to him ; and away he tatthered over the country, till there wasn't a taste o' the gridiron left together.^^ MISS MALONY ON THE CHINESE QUESTION. MARY M. DODGE. A Laughable Recitation. Och' don't he talkin'. Is it howld on, ye say? An' didn't I howld on till the heart of me was clane broke en- tirely, and me wastin' that thin you could clutch me wid yer two hands. To think o' me toilin' hke a nager for the six year I've been in Ameriky — ^bad luck to the day I iver left the owld counthry, to be bate by the hkes o' them ! (faix an' I'll sit down when I'm ready, so I will, Ann Eyan, an' ye'd better be hstnin' than drawin' your remarks) an' it's mysel, with five good characters from respectable places, would be herdin' wid the haythens I The saints forgive me, but I'd be buried alive soon'n put up wid it a day longer. Sure an' I was a granehorn not to be lavin' at onct when the missus kim into me kitchen wid her per- laver about the new waiter-man which was brought out from Californy. ^^ He'll be here the night," says she, ^^ and, Kitty, it's meself looks to you to be kind and patient wid him, for he's a farriner," says she, a kind o' looking off. ^^ Sure an' it's httle I'll hinder nor interfare wid him nor any other, mum," says I, a kind o' stiff, for I minded me how these French waiters, wid their paper collars and brass rings on their fingers, isn't company for no gurril 44 MISS MALONY ON THE CHINESE QUESTION. brought up dacint and honest. Och ! sorra a bit I knew what was comin' till the missus walked into me kitchen smilin', and says, kind o' sheared : ^^ Here^s Fing Wing, Kitty, an' you'll have too much sinse to mind his bein' a little strange." Wid that she shoots the doore; and I, misthrusting if I was tidied up sufficient for me fine buy wid his paper collar, looks up and — Holy fathers ! may I niver brathe another breath, but there stud a rale hay then Chineser a-grinnin' like he'd just come off a tay-box. If you'll belave me, the crayture was that yeller it 'ud sicken you to see him ; and sorra stich was on him but a black night-gown over his trowsers and the front of his head shaved claner nor a copper biler, and a black tail a-hang- in' down from behind, wid his two feet stook into the heathenesest shoes you ever set eyes on. Och ! but I was up-stairs afore you could tm^n about, a-givin' the missus warnin' ; an' only stopt wid her by her raisin' me wages two dollars, and playdin' wid me how it was a Christian's duty to bear wid haythins and taitch 'em all in our power — the saints save us ! Well, the ways and trials I had wid that Chineser, Ann Eyan, I couldn't be tellin'. Not a blissed thing cud I do but he'd be lookin' on wid liis eyes cocked up'ard hke two poomp -handles, an^ he widdout a speck or a smitch o' whiskers on him, and his finger-nails fall a yard long. But it's dying you'd be to see the missus a-larnin' him, and he grinnin' an' waggin' his pig-tail (which was pieced out long wid some black stoof, the hay- then chate !) and gettin' into her ways wonderful quick, I don't deny, imitatin' that sharp, you'd be shurprised, and ketchin' and copyin' things the best of us will do a-hurried wid work, yet don't want comin' to the knowledge of the family — bad luck to him ! Is it ate wid him f Arrah, an' would I be sittin' wid a baythen and he a-atin' wid drumsticks — ^yes, an' atin' dogs an' cats unknownst to me, I warrant you, which is the custom of them Chinesers, till the thought made me that MISS MALONY OK THE CHINESE QTJESTIO:^'. 45 sick I could die. An^ didn^t the crayter proffer to help me a wake ago come Toosday, an' me a-foldin' down me clane clothes for the ironki', an' fill his haythen mouth wid water, an' afore I could hinder squrrit it through his teeth stret over the best linen table-cloth, and fold it up tight as in- nercent now as a baby, the dirty baste I But the worrest of all was the copyui' he'd be doin' till ye'd be dishtracted. It's yerself knows the tinder feet that's on me since ever I've bin in this country. Well, owin' to that, I fell into the way o' slippin' me shoes off when I'd be settin' down to pale the praties or the likes o' that, and, do ye mind, that haythin would do the same thing after me whiniver the missus set him parin' apples or tomaterses. The saints in heaven couldn't have made him belave he cud kape the shoes on him when he'd be payling any- thing. Did I lave far that ? Faix an' didn't he get me into trouble wid my missus, the haythin ! You're aware yer- self how the boondles comin' in from the grocery often con- tains more 'n '11 go into anythiag dacently. So, for that matter, I'd now and then take out a sup o' sugar, or flour, or tay, an' wrap it in paper and put it in me bit of a box tucked under the ironin' blankit the how it cuddent be bodderin' any one. Well, what should it be, but this blessed Sathm^day morn the missus was a spakin' pleasant and respec'ful wid me in me kitchen when the grocer boy comes in an' stands fornenst her vdd his boondles an' she motions like to Fing Wing (which I never would call him by that name nor any other but just haythin), she motions to him, she does, for to take the boondles an' empty out the sugar an' what not where they belongs. If you'll be- lave me, Ann Eyan, what did that blatherin' Chineser do but take out a sup o' sugar, an' a handful o' tay, an' a bit o' chaze, right afore the missus, wrap them into bits o' paper, an' I spacheless wid shuprise, an' he the next minute up wid the ironia' blanket and puUin' out me box 46 PADDT^S DREAM. wid a show o^ bein^ sly to put them in. Och, the Lord for- give me, but I clutched it, and the missus sayin^, ^^ O Kitty !" in a way that 'ud curdle your blood. ^^ He-s a haythin nager," says I. ^^ I've foimd you out/^ says she. ^^ I'll arrist him/' says I. ^^ It's you ought to be arristed," says she. ^' You won't/' says I. ^^ I will/' says she ; and so it went till she gave me such sass as I cuddent take from no lady, an' I give her warnin' an' left that instant, an' she a-pointin' to the doore. PADDY'S DREAM. I have often laughed at the way an Irish help we had at Barnstaple once fished me for a glass of whisky. One morning he says to me — '' Oh, yer honor," says he, ^^ I had a great drame last night intirely — I dramed I was in Rome, tho' how I got there is more than I can tell ; but there I was, sure enough ) and as in duty bound, what does I do but go and see the Pope. Well, it was a long journey, and it was late when I got there — too late for the likes of me; and when I got to the palace I saw priests, and bishops, and cardinals, and all the great dignitaries of the Church a-coming out; and sais one of them to me, ^ How are ye, Pat Moloney V sais he ; ^ and that spalpeen your father, bad luck to him, how is he V It startled me to hear me o^n name so suddint, that it came mighty nigh waking me up, it did. Sais I, ^ Your riverence, how in the world did ye know that Pat Moloney was me name, let alone that of me father?' ' Why, ye blackguard,' sais he, ^ I knew ye since ye was knee-high to a goose, and I knew yer mother afore ye was bom.^ ^ It's good right yer honor has then to know me,' sais I. ^ Bad manners to ye,' sais he, ^ what is it ye are afther doing here at this time o' night f ' To see his Holiness the Pope,' sais I. ^ That's right,' sais he ; ' pass on, but leave yer impudence with THE lEISH DEUMMEK. 47 yer hat and shoes at the door.^ Well, I was shown into a mighty fine room where his Holiness was, and down I went on me knees. ^ Else up, Pat Moloney,' sais his Holi- ness ; ^ ye're a broth of a boy to come all the way from Ireland to do yer duty to me ; and it's dutiful children ye are, every mother's son of ye. What will ye have to drink, Patf (The greater a man is, the more of a rael gintle- man he is, yer honor, and the more condescending.) ' What will ye have to drink, Pat V sais he. ^ A glass of whisky, yer Holiness,' sais I^ • if it's all the same to ye.' ' Shall it be hot or cold?' sais he. ^ Hot,' sais I, ^ if it's all the same, and gives ye no trouble.' ^ Hot it shall be,' sais he ; ^ but as I have dismissed all me servants for the night, I'll just step down below for the tay-kettle ;' — and wid that he left the room, and was gone for a long time ; and jist as he came to the door again he knocked so loud the noise woke me up, and, be jabers ! I missed me whisky entirely ! Bedad, if I had only had the sense to say ^ Nate, yer Holiness,' I'd a had me whisky sure enough, and never known it warn't all true, instead of a drame." I knew what he wanted, so I poured him out a glass. ^^ Won't it do as well now, Pat f said I. ^^ Indeed it will, yer honor," says he, ^^ and me drame will come true, after all. I thought it would, for it was mighty nateral at the time, aU but the whisky." THE IRISH DRUMMER. An Irish Recitation. A soldier, so at least the story goes, It was in Ireland, I believe, Upon Ms back was sentenced to receive Five hnndred cat-o'-nine-tail blows ; Most sagely military law providing, The hacJi: alone shall suffer for lyacksliding. Whether his crime was great or small; 48 THE IRISH DRUMMER. Or whether there was any crime at all, Are facts which this deponent never knew ; But though uncertain whether justly tried, The man he knows was to the halhert tied, And hopes his readers will believe so too. Suppose him, then, fast to the halberts bound. His poor companions standing silent roimd. Anticipating ev^ry dreadful smack ; TVTiile Patrick Donovan, firom TTicklow county. Is just preparing to bestow his bounty, Or heat qiiiclc time upon his cororade's back. Of stoics much we read in tales of yore, Of Zeno, Possidonius, Epictetus, Who, unconcerned, the greatest torments bore. Or else these ancient stories strangely cheat us. My hero was no stoic, it is plain : He could not suiTer torments and be dumb, But roared, before he felt the smallest pain, As though a rusty nail had pierced his thumb. IN'ot louder is the teiTor- spreading note Which issues from the hungry lion^s throat TVTien o'er Numidian plains in search of prey He takes his cruel and destroying way. The first two strokes, which made my hero bleat, Fell right across the confines of his seat. On which he piteously began to cry, '^ Strike high ! strike high ! for mercy's sake strike high \" Pat^ of a mild, obliging disposition. Could not refuse to grant his friend's petition ; An Irishman has got a tender heart, And never likes to act a cruel part ; Pat gave a good example to beholders, ^ And the next stroke fell on his corL^-.de's shoulders! Our suffering hero now began to roar As loud, if not much louder, than before ; At which Pat lost all patience, and exclaim'd, While his Hibernian face with anger flam'd, '' Perdition catch you ! — can't your tongue be still? There is mo plasing you, strike where one will !" PADDY THE PIPEE. 49 PADDY THE PIPER. SAMUEL LOVER. Ahriiged for Public Reading. Ill tell yoU; sir; a mighty quare story. ^Twas aftlier nightfall; and we wor sittin^ round the fire^ and the pratees was hoilin^, and the noggins of butthermilk was standin^ ready for our suppers, whin a knock kem to the door. ^^ Whist," says my father, '^here^s the sogers come upon us now," says he. ^^Bad luck to thim, the villains; I^m afeard they seen a ghmmer of the fire through the crack in the door," says he. ^^ No," says my mother, '' for I^m afther hangin^ an ould sack and my new petticoat agin }t, a while ago." ^^Well, whist, anyhow," says my father, ^^for there's a knock agin f and we all held our tongues till another thump kem to the door. ^' Oh, it's folly to purtind any more," says my father ; " they're too cute to be put off that-a-way," says he. ^^ Go, Shamus," says he to me, ^^ and see who's in it." ^^ How can I see who's in it in the dark?" says I. ^^ Well," says he, ^^hgbt the candle, thin, and see who's in it. But don't open the door for your life, barrin' they break it in," says he, ^' exceptin' to the sojers ; and spake them fair, if it's thim." So with that I wint to the door, and there was another knock. ^^ Who's there ?" says I. ^^It's me," says he. ^^ Who are you ?" says I. ^^ A friend," says he. ^^ Baithershiii /" says I ) " who are you, at all f ^^ Arrah ! don't you know me ?" says he. ^^ Divil a taste," says I. ^^ Sure I'm Paddy the Piper," says he. ^^ Oh, thundher and turf!" says I; ^^ia it you, Paddy, that's in it ?" 50 PADDY THE PIPER. ^^ Sorra one else," says he. ^^ And what brought you at this hour?" says I. ^^ By gar," says he, ^' I didn^t hke gom^ the roun' by the road," says he, ^^ and so I kem the short cut, and that's what delayed me," says he. Tff ^ 7F V 'F ^ V ^^ Faix, then," says I, ^^ you hM betther lose no tune in hidin' yourself," says I, ^^for throth I tell you, it's a short thrial and a long rope the Husshians would be afther givin' you — for they've no justice, and less marcy, the villains I" ^^ Faith, thin, more's the raison you should let me in, Shamus," says poor Paddy. ''' It's a folly to talk," says I ; '^ I darn't open the door." '^ Oh then, millia murther !" says Paddy, " what'll be- come of me at all, at all f " says he. ^^ Go aff into the shed," says I, ^^ behind the house, where the cow is ;" but instead of going to the cow-house, he set oft' to go to the fair, and he went meandherin' along through the fields, but he didn't go far, until climbin' up through a hedge, when he was comin' out at t'other side, he kem plump agin somethin' that made the fire flash out iv his eyes. So with that he looks up— and what do you think it was. Lord be marciful unto uz ! but a corpse hangin' out of a branch of a three? ^^ Oh, the top of the mornin' to you, sir," says Paddy ; ^' and is that the way with you, my poor fellow? Throth you took a start out o' me," says poor Paddy ; and 'twas thrue for him, for it would make the heart of a stouter man nor Paddy jump to see the like, and to think of a Christian crathur being hanged up, all as one as a dog. ******* Says Paddy, eyein' the corpse, ^^ By my sowl thin, but you have a beautiful pair of boots an you," says he, ^^ and it's what I'm thinkin' you won't have any great use for thim no more ; and shure it's a sliame to see the likes o' me," says he, ^^ the best piper in the sivm counties^ to be PADDY THE PIPER. 51 trampin^ wid a pair of ould brogues not worth three tra- neens, and a corpse wid such an illigant pair o' boots, that wants some one to wear thim.'^ So with that Paddy laid hould of htm by the boots, and began a pulhn' at thim, but they wor mighty stiff; and whether it was by rayson of their bein^ so tight, or the branch of the tree a-jiggin^ up and down, all as one as a weighdee buckettee, and not lettin^ Paddy cotch any right hoult o^ thim, he could get no advantage o' thim at all ; and at last he gave it up, and was goin' away, whin, lookin' behind him agin, the sight of the ilhgant fine boots was too much for him, and he turned back outs with his knife, and what does he do, but he cuts off' the legs av the corpse ; and says he, ^^I can take aff the boots at my convanyience." And throth it was, as I said before, a dirty turn. Well, sir, he tucked up the legs undher his arm, and walked back agin to the cow-house, and hidin^ the corpse^s legs in the sthraw, Paddy wint to sleep. But what do you think ? the divil a long Paddy was there antil the sojcrs kem in airnest, and, by the powers, they carried off^addy; and faith it was only sarvin' him right for what he had done to the poor corpse. Well, whin the morning kem, my father says to me, ^^ Go, Shamus," says he, ^^ to the shed, and bid poor Paddy come in, and take share o' the pratees ; for I go bail he's ready for his breakquest by this, anyhow.^' Well, out I wint to the cow-house, and called out, '^ Paddy !" and afther callin' three or four times, and get- tin' no answer, I wint in, and called agin, and divil an answer I got still. " Blood- an- agers !" says I, ^^ Paddy, where are you, at all, at all f^ and so, castin' my eyes about the shed, I seen two feet sticking out from imdher the hape o' straw. ^^ Musha ! thin," says I, '^ bad luck to you, Paddy, but you're fond of a warm corner ; and maybe you haven't made yourself as snug as a flay in a blanket f But ril disturb your dhrames, I'm thinkiny says I, and 52 PADDY THE PIPER. with that, I laid hould of his heels (as I thought), and giviiV a good pull to waken him, as I intindid, away I wint, head over heels, and my brains was a'most knocked out agin the wall. Well, whin I recovered myself, there I was, on the broad o^ my back, and two things stickin' out o^ my hands, like a pair of Husshian^s horse-pistils ; and I thought the sight ^d lave my eyes whin I seen they wor two mortial legs. My jew% I threw thim down like a hot pratee, and jumpin^ up, I roared out millia murther. ^^ Oh, you mmtherin^ villain," says I, shaking my fist at the cow — ^^Oh, you unnath^ral baste," says I; ^^you^vo ate poor Paddy, you thievin^ cannable ; you're worse than a neyger," says I. '^ And bad luck to you, how dainty you are, that nothin' 'd serve you for your suppor but the best piper in Ireland !" ******* With that I ran out, for throth I didn't like to be near her ; and goin' into the house, I tould them all about it. ^^ Arrah ! be aisy," says my father. " Bad luck to the he I tell you," says I. ^' Is it ate Paddy?" says they. ^^ Divil a doubt of it," says I. ^^ Are you sure, Shamus ?" says my mother. ^^ I wish I was as sure of a new pair of brogues," says I. ^^ Bad luck to the bit she has left iv him but his two legs." ''• And do you teU me that she ate the pipes, too?" says my father. ^^ By gar, I b'lieve so," says I. ^^ Oh, the divil fly away wid her," says he ; ^^ what a cruel taste she has for music !" '^ Arrah !" says my mother, " don't be cursing the cow that gives milk to the childer." ^^ Yis, I will," says my father; '^why shouldn't I curse sitch an unnath'ral baste f" "' You oughtn't to curse any li^/in' that's undher your roof," says my mother. PADDT THE PIPEB. 53 '^ By my sowl, thin/' says my father, "• she shan't be undher my roof any more ; for 1^11 send her to the fah^ this minit/' says he, '^ and sell her for whatever she'll bring. Go aff/' says he, ^^ Shamus, the miuit you've ate your breakquest, and dhrive her to the fair." ^^ Troth, I don't like to dhrive her," says I. ^' An^ah, don't be makin' a gommagh of yourself," says he. '^ Faith, I don't," says I. '^ Well, like or no like," says he, ^^ you must dhrive her." * -Ji- ^ -5f 4r -X- -X- Well, away we wint along the road, and mighty throng'd it wuz wid the boys and the girls, and, in short, all sorts, rich and poor, high and low, crowdin' to the fan. '^ Grod save you," says one to me. ^^ God save you, kindly," says I. ^^ That's a fine beast you're dhrivin'," says he. ^^ Troth she is," says I; though God knows it wint agia my heart to say a good word for the likes of her. . . . I dhriv her iato the thick av the fair, whin all of a suddint, as I kem to the door av a ttat, up sthruck the pipes to the tune av ^Tattherin' Jack Walsh,' and, myjew'l, in a minit, the cow cock'd her ears, and was makin' a dart at the tint. ^^ Oh, murther !" says I to the boys standin' by ; '' hould her," says I, '^ hould her — she ate one piper already, the vagabone, and bad luck to her, she wants another now." ^^ Is it a cow for to ate a piper ?" says one o' thim. '^ Divil a word o' he in it, for I seen it's corpse myself, and nothin' left but the two legs," says I; '^ and it's afoUy to be sthrivin' to hide it, for I see she'll never lave it off— as Poor Paddy Grogan knows to his cost. Lord be marcihil to him." ^^ Who's that takin' my name in vam?" says a voice in the crowd ] and with that, shovin' the throng a one side, who the divO should I see but Paddy Grogan, to aU ap- pearance. 54 PAT A^ny the gridieok. '^ Oh, hould him too," says I ; ^^ keep hun aff me, for it's not himself at all, but his ghost," says I ; ^^ for he was kilt last night, to my sartin knowledge, every inch av him, ah to his legs." Well, sir, with that, Paddy — for it was Paddy himself, as it kem out afther — fell a-laughin' so that you'd think his sides 'ud split. And whin he kem to himself, he ups and he tould us how it was, as I tould you already. And av coorse the poor slandered cow was dhruv home agin, and many a quiet day she had wid uz afther that -, and whin she died, throth, my father had sich a regard for the poor thing that he had her skinned, and an illigant pair of breeches made out iv her hide, and it's in the fam'ly to this day. And isn't it mighty remarkable, what I'm going to tell you now, but it's as thrue as I'm here, that from that out, any one that has thim breeches an, the minit a pair o' pipes sthrikes up, they can't rest, but goes jiggin' and jiggin' in their sate, and never stops as long as the pipes is playin' — and there, there is the very breeches that's an me now, and a fine pair they are this minit. PAT AND THE GRIDIRON. SAMUEL LOVER. A Popular Irish Recitation. It was the time I was lost in crassin' the broad Atlantic, a-comin' home, whin the winds began to blow, and the sae to rowl, that you'd think the Colleen Bhas (that was her name) would not have a mast left but what would rowl out of her. Well, sure enough, the masts went by the board, at last, and the pumps were choak'd (divil choak them for that same), and av coorse the water gained an us ] and troth, to be iilled with water is neither good for man or baste 5 and she was sinkin' fast, settlm' down, as the sailors call ; and PAT AISTD THE GRIDLRON. 55 faith I never wa^s good at settlin^ down in my life, and I liked it then less nor ever ; accordingly we prepared for the worst and put out the boat, and got a sack o' bishkits and a cask o^ pork, and akag o^ wather, and a thrifle o^ rum aboord, and any other httle matthers we could think iv in the mortial hurry we wor in — and faith there was no time to be lost, for, my darlint, the Colleen DJias went down like a lump o' lead, afore we wor many sthrokes o^ the oar away from her. Well, we dhriffced away all that night, and next momin' we put up a blanket an the end av a pole as well as we could, and then we sailed iligant ] for we dam^t show a stitch o' canvas the night before, bekase it was blowin^ like bloody murther, savin^ your presence, and sure it's the wondher of the world we wom't swally'd ahve by the ragin' sae. Well, away we wint, for more nor a week, and nothia' before om- two good-lookin' eyes but the canophy iv heaven, and the wide ocean — the broad Atlantic ; not a thing was to be seen but the sae and the sky ; and though the sae and the sky is mighty purty things in themselves, throth they're no great things when you've nothin' else to look at for a week together — and the barest rock in the world, so it was land, would be more welkim. And then, soon enough, throth, our provisions began to run low, the bishkits, and the wather, and the rum — throth that was gone first of all — God help uz — and oh 1 it was thin that starvation began to stare us in the face — ^^ Oh, murther, murther, captain darlint," says T, ^^ I wish we could land anywhere," says I. ^^ More power to your elbow, Paddy, my boy," says he, ^^ for sitch a good wish, and throth it's myself wishes the same.^^ '' Och," says I, ^^ that it may plaze you, sweet Queen iv Heaven, supposing it was only a dissolute island," says I, '' inhabited wid Turks, sure they wouldn't be such bad Christians as to refuse us a bit and a sup." ^^ Whisht, whisht, Paddy," says the captain, ^^ don't be 56 PAT a:nd thb grtdieok. talking bad of any one/^ says he; ^'you don't know how soon you may want a good word put in for yourself, if you should be called to quarthers in th' other world all of a suddint," says he. ^^ Thrue for you, captain darlint," says I — I called him darhnt, and made free with him, you see, bekase disthress makes us all equal — ^^ thrue for you, captain jewel — I owe no man any spite" — and throth that was only thruth. Well, the last bishkit was sarved out, and by gor the ivatlier itself W2is all gone at last, and we passed the night mighty cowld — well, at the brake o' day the sun riz most beautifully out to the waves, that was as bright as silver and as clear as crystal. But it was only the more cruel upon us, for we wor beginnin' to feel terrible hungry ; when all at wanst I thought I spied the land — by gor I thought I felt my heart up in my throat in a minit, and ^^ Thunder an' turf, captain," says I, ^^ look to leeward," says I. <' What for?" says he. *^ I think I see the land," says I. So he ups with his bring-'em-near (that's what the sailors call a spy-glass, sir) and looks out, and, siu-e enough, it was. ^^ Hurra !" says he, ^^ we're all right now ; pull away, my boys," says he. ^^ Take care you're not mistaken," says I; ^^ maybe it's only a fog-bank, captain darlint," says I. - ^^ Oh, no," says he, '^ it's the land in aimest." '^ Oh, then, whereabouts in the wide world are we, cap- tain?" says I; ^^ maybe it id be Boosia^ or Froosia, or the Garman Oceant," says I. ^^ Tut, you fool," says he — for he had that consaited way wid him — thinkin' himself cleverer nor any one else — '' tut, you fool," says he, ^^ that's Francej''^ says he. ^^ Tare an' ouns," says I, ^^ do you tell me so? and how do you know it's France it is, captain dear?" says I. '' Bekase this is the Bay o' Bishky we're in now," says' he. PAT AND THE GIirDIRON. 57 " Throth, I was thinkin' so myself/' says I, ^^ by the rowl it has ; for I often heerd av it in regard of that same ; and throth the hkes av it I never seen before nor since." Well, with that, my heart began to grow hght; and when I seen my life was safe, I began to grow twice hmi- grier nor ever — so, says I, '' Captain, jewel, I wish we had a gildiron." ^^Why, then,'' says he, '^thunder an' turf," says he, '^ what puts a gridiron mto your head f ^^ Bekase I'm starvin' with the hunger," says I. '^ And sure, bad luck to you," says he, '' you couldn't eat a gridiron," says he, ^' barrin' you were 2i pelican o' the wildliernesSj'^^ says he. ^^ Ate a gridiron," says I; ^' och, in throth I'm not such a gommoch all out as that, anyhow. But sure, if we had a gridhon, we could dress a beef-steak," says I. ^^ Arrah ! but where's the beef-steak," says he. " Sure, couldn't we cut a slice aff the pork f " says I. ^'Be gor, I never thought o' that," says the captain. "You're a clever feUow, Paddy," says he, laughin'. *^ Oh, ther's many a thrue word said in joke," says I. " Thrue for you, Paddy," says he. "WeU, thin," says I, "if you put me ashore there beyant," [for we were nearin' the land aU the time,] " and sure I can ax them for to lind me the loan of a gridiron," says I. " Oh, by gor, the butther's comin' out o' the stirabout in aimest now," says he, "you gommoch," says he, " sure I told you before that's France — and sure the're all fiirriners there," says the captain. " WeU," says I, " and how do you know but I'm as good a furriner myself as any o' thim f " " What do you mane ?" says he. " I mane," says I, " what I towld you, that I'm as good a farriner myself as any o' thim." " Make me sinsible," says he. 58 PAT A^STD THE GRIDIRON. '^ By dad, maybe that^s more nor me, or greater nor me, could do/' says I— and we all began to laugh at him, for I thought I would pay him off for his bit o' consait about the Garmant Ocean. '' Lave aff your himibugginV^ says he, ^^I bid you, and tell me what it i5 you mane, at all at all." ''' Farley voo frongsay V says I. ^^Oh, yoiu- himible sarvant,'' says he; '^ why, by gor, you're a scholar, Paddy.'' "' Throth, you may say that," says I. ^^ Why, you're a clever fellow, Paddy," says the captain, jeerin' like. ^' You're not the first that said that," says I, ^^whether you joke or no." ^^ Oh, but I'm in airnest," says the captain — ^^ and do you tell me, Paddy," says he, ^^ that you speak Frinch V ^^ Parly voo frongsay f " says I. '^ By gor, that bangs Banagher, and all the world knows Banagher bangs the divil — I never met the hkes o' you, Paddy," says he — ^^ pull away, boys, and put Paddy ashore, and maybe we won't get a bellyful before long." So, with that, it was no sooner said nor done — they pulled away, and got close in to shore in less than no time, and run the boat up ui a little creek, and a beautiful creek it was, with a lovely white sthrand — an illegant place for ladies to bathe in the summer — and out I got ; and it's stiff enough in the limbs I was, afther bein' cramped up in the boat, and perished with the cowld and hunger, but I conthrived to scramble on, one way or t'other, tow'rds a httle bit iv a wood that was close to the shore, and the smoke curlin' out iv it, quite timptin' like. ^^ By the powdhers o' war, Pm all right," says I ; '^ there's a house there," — and sure enough there was, and a parcel of men, women and childher, ating their dinner round a table, quite convanient. And so I wint up to the door, and I thought I'd be very civil to them, as I heered the PAT AJST) THE GEIDIEOX. 59 French was always mighty p'hte intirely — and I thought I^d show them I knew what good manners was. So, I took aff my hat, and, makm' a low bow, says I, '^ God save all here," says I. Well to be sm-e, they all stapt eatin^ at wanst, and began to stare at me ; and faith they almost looked me out of countenance — and I thought to myself, it was not good manners at all — more betoken from farriners, which they call so mighty polite ; but I never minded that, in regard o' wantin' the gridiron; and so, says I, ^^ I beg your pardon," says I, ^^for the liberty I take, but it^s only bein' tn dis- thress in regard of eatinV'^ says I, ^^ that I made bowld to throuble yez, and if you could lind me the loan of a grid- iron," says I, ^^ rd be entkely obleeged to ye." By gor, they all stared at me twice worse nor before — and with that, says I (knowin^ what was in their minds), ^^ Indeed it's thrue for you," says I, ^^I'm tatthered to pieces, and I look quare enough ; but it's by raison of the storm," says I, ^^ which dhruv us ashore here below, and we're all starvin'," says I. So then they began to look at each other again, and my- self, seein' at once dirty thoughts was in their heads, and that they tuk me for a poor beggar, comin' to crave charity; with that, says I, ^^ 0, not at all," says I, ^^ by no manes — we have plenty of mate ourselves there below, and we'll dhress it," says I, ^^ if you would be pleased to lind us the loan of a giidiron," says I, makin' a low bow. Well, sir, with that, throth they stared at me twice worse nor ever, and faith I began to think that maybe the captain was wrong, and that it was not France at all, at all ; and so says I : ^^ I beg pardon, sir," says I, to a fine ould man, with a' head of hair as white as silver, ^^ maybe Pm under a mistake," says I, ^' but I thought I was in France, sir; aren't you finTiners?" says I, '' parley voo frongsay "P ^^WCj mimseerj''^ says he. 60 PAT AKD THE GEIDrRO:N^. '^ Then, would you lind me the loan of a gridiron/' says I, ^^if youplasef' Oh, it was thin that they stared at me, as if I had seven heads ; and, faith, myself began to feel flushed hke and onaisy, and so says I, makin^ a bow and scrape agin, '' I know it's a hberty I take, sn, but it's only in the regard of bein' cast away; and if you plase, sir," says I, ^^ 'parley voo frongsay V ^'TTe, munseer,''^ says he, mighty sharp. ^^ Then, would you Itud me the loan of a gridiron,'' says I, ^^ and you'll obleege me." Well, sir, the ould chap began to munseer me ; but the devil a bit of a gridiron he'd gi' me, and so I began to think they wor all neygars, for all their fine manners ) and throth, my blood began to rise, and says I, ^^ By my sowl, if it was you was in distriss," says I, '^ and if it was to ould Ireland you kem, it's not only the gridiron they'd give you, if you axed it, but something to put on it, too, and the drop o' drink into the bargain, and caed mile failte.''^ Well, the word caed mile failte seemed to sthreck his heart, and the old chap cocked his ear, and so I thought I'd give him another offer, and make him sensible at last ; and so says I, wanst more, quite slow, that he might un- derstand, '^Farley voo frongsay j munseer V^ ^^Wej munseer j'^^ says he. ^^ Then hnd me the loan of a gridiron," says I, " and bad scram to you." WeU, bad win to the bit of it he'd gi' me, and the ould chap begins bowin' and scrapin', and said somethtag or other about long-tongs.* '' Phoo !— the divil swape yourself and your tongs," says I ; ^^ I don't want a tongs at all, at all ] but can't you hs- ten to raisonf says I. '^Farley voo frongsay F" • ^'We^ munseer,''^ * Some mystiflcation of Paddy's touching the French n'entends. HOW DENifIS TOOK THE PLEDGE. 61 '^ Then lind me the loan of a grichron/^ says I, ^' and howld your i)rate/^ Well, what would you think, but he shook his ould noddle, as much as to say he wouldn^t; and so says I, ^' Bad cess to the likes o' that I ever seen — throth if you wor in my counthry it^s not that-a-way they^d use you. The curse o' the crows an you, you owld sinner," says I, ^^ the divil a longer I^U darken your door." So he seen I was vexed, and I thought, as I was turnin' away, I seen him begin to relint, and that his conscience throubled him ; and says I, turnin^ back, ^^ Well, m give one chance more, you ould thief: Are you a Chrishthan at all — are you a farriner," says I, ^^ that all the world calls so polite ? Bad luck to you, do you understand your own language f Farley voo frongsay V^ says I. '^TTe, munseer,''^ says he. " Then, thunder an^ turf," says I, '' will you lind me the loan of a gridiron!" Well, sir, the devil resave the bit of it he'd gi' me, and so with that, '^ The curse o' the hungry an you, you ould negarly villain !" says I; *nhe back o' my hand, and the sowl o' my foot to you, that you may want a gridiron your- self, yit," says I ] and with that I left them there, sir, and kem away — and, hi troth, it's often since that I thought that it was remarkable. HOW DENNIS TOOK THE PLEDGE. A Limerick Irishman named Dennis, addicted to strong drmk, was often urged by his friends to sign the pledge, but with no avail, until one day they read to him from a newspaper an account of a man who had become so thor- oughly saturated with alcohol, that, on attempting to blow out a candle, his breath ignited, and he was instantly blown to atom.s. Dennis's face showed mingled horror 62 PADDY O^RAFTHER. and contrition, and his friends tliought that the long-de- sired moment of repentance was at hand. ^^ Bring me the book, boys, bring me the book ! Troth, his breath took foir, did it ? Sure, I'll niver die that death, onyhow," said Dennis, with the most solemn countenance imaginable. ^^ Hear me now, b'ys, hear me now. I, Den- nis Finnegan, knowin^ my great weakness, deeply sinsible of my past sins, an' the great danger I've been in, hereby take me solemn oath, that, so long as I hve, under no provocation whativer, will 1— biota out a cancUl again P^ PADDY O'RAFTHER. SAMUEL LOVER. Paddy, in want of a dinner one day, Credit all gone, and no money to pay, Stole from the priest a fat pullet, they say, And went to confession just afther ; '' Your riv^rince," says Paddy, '^ I stole this fat hen.'' '' What, what !" says the priest, ^' at yom* owld thricks again? Faith, you^d rather be stealin^ than sayin' amen, Paddy O'Raftherr '^ Sm*e yon woiildii^t be angry," says Pat, '^ if you knew That the best of intintions I had in my view, For I stole it to make it a present to you, And you can absolve me afther/' '^ Do you think,'' says the priest, ^^ Pd partake of your theft? Of yom* seven small senses you must be bereft — You're the biggest blackguard that I know, right or left, Paddy O'Eaftherr ^^ Then what shall I do with the pullet," says Pat, ^' If your riv'rince won't take it ? — By this and by that I don't know no more than a dog nor a cat What your riv'rince would have me be afther." ^' Why J then," says his rev'renee, " you sin-blinded owl, Give back, to the man that you stole from, 1 Is fowl, For if you do not, 'twill be worse for your p' wl, laddyO'Rafther!" PAT AND HIS MUSKET. 63 Says Paddy, " I asked him to take it — ^tis tlirue As ttds minit I'm talldn^, yom* riv^rince, to yon ; But lie wouldn't resaive it — so what can I do ?" Says Paddy, nigh chokin' with laughter. '^ By my throth/' says the priest, " but the case is absthruse ; If he won't take his hen, why the man is a goose — 'Tis not the first time my advice was no use, Paddy O'Kafther! '^ But for the sake of your sowl, I would sthrongi}^ advise To some one in want you would give yom* supplies, Some widow, or orphan, with tears in their eyes, And then you may come to me afther.^^ So Paddy went off to the brisk "Widow Hoy, And the pullet, between them, was eaten with joy. And, says she, *''Pon my word you're the cleverest boy, Paddy O'Eaftherr Then Paddy went back to the priest, the next day, And told him the fowl he had given away To a poor lonely widow, in want and dismay, The loss of her spouse weeping after. '^ Well, now,'' says the priest, ^' I'U absolve you, my lad. For repentantly making the best of the bad. In feeding the hungry and cheering the sad, Paddy O'Raffcher \" PAT AND HIS MUSKET. An Irish Recitation. I've heard a good joke of an Emerald Pat, Who kept a few brains and a brick in his hat. He was bound to go hunting ; so, taking his gun, He rammed down a charge — this was load number one Then put in the priming, and when aU was done, By way of experiment, thought he would try And see if perchance he might hit the ^' buU's eye.*^ He straightened himself till he made a good figure, Took dehberate aim, and then pulled the trigger. Click ! went the hammer, but nothing exploded ; ^^ And sure,'' muttered Paddy, '^ the gun isn't loaded !'^ 64 THE lEISH PHILOSOPHER. So down went another charge^ just as before, Unless this contained just a grain or two more. '^ I wonder can this be still shootin'f ^ said Pat ; '' m put down a load now, Vm certain of that ; 1^11 try it again, and then we shall see V^ So down went the cartridge of load number three ! Then trying again, with a confident air. And succeeding no better, gave up in despair. Just at that moment, he happened to spy His friend, Michael Milligan^ hurrying by. '' Hollo, Mike ! come here, and just try on my gun ; I've been tryin' to shoot till I'm tired and done !'' So Mike took the gun, and pricked up the powder, Kemarkiug to Pat, '^ It would make it go louder f Then placing it firmly against his right arm, And never suspecting it might do him hann, He pointed the piece in the proper direction, And pulled on the trigger without more reflection — "WTien, off went the gun ! like a country election, "Where whisky and gin have exclusive selection Of those who are chosen to guard the inspection (There's a great deal of noise — and some little inspection) And Michael ^^ went ofi"" in another direction ! '' Hold on r shouted Pat, '' Hold on to the gun ! I put in three loads, and you've fired ofi" but one ! Get up, and be careful — don't hold it so level. Or else we are both of us gone to the devil !" '^ I'm going," says Michael, '^ it's time that I wint, I've got myself kicked, and it's time for the hint." THE IRISH PHILOSOPHER. A FavoHte Irish Recitation. Ladies and Gintlemen : — I see so many foine-lookin' people sittin' before me, that if you'll excuse me I'U be after takin' a seat meself. You don't know me, I'm tliinkin', or some of yees 'ad be noddin' to me afore this. THE IRISH PHILOSOPHER. 65 I^m a walkin^ pedestrian, a traveling philosopher; Terry O^Mulligan's me name. I^m from Dublin, where many philosophers before me was raised and bred. Oh, philoso- phy is a foine study. I don't know anything about it, but it's a foine study. Before I Mm over I attinded an impor- tant meetin' of philosophers in Dubhn, and the discussin' and talkin' you'd hear there about the world 'ud warm the very heart of Socrates or Aristotle himself. Well, there was a great many imminent and learned min there at the meetin', and I was there too, and while we was in the very, thickest of a heated argument a man comes up to me, and Says he, "Do you know what we're talkin' about?" "I do," says I, "but I don't understand yees." "Could you explain the sun's motion round the earth!" says he. "I could," says I; "but I'd not know could you understand me or not." "Well," says he, "we'll see," says he. Sure 'n I didn't know anything how to get out of it then, so I piled in, for says I to meself, never let on to any one that you don't know anything, but make them believe that you do know all about it. So says I to him, takin' up me shillalah this way — (Jiolding a very crooked stick horizontally) — " We will take that for the straight line of the earth's equator." How's that for gehoggraphy? {To tlie audience.) Oh, that was straight till the other day I bent it in an argument. "Very good," says he. "Well," says I, "now the sun rises in the east." (Placing the disengaged hand at the eastern end of tlie stick.) Well, he couldn't deny that, "and," says I, "he — ^he — he rises in the mornin'." No more could he deny that. "Very early," says I, "and when he gets up he Darts Ms rosy beams Throiigli the mornin' gleams." Do you moine the poetry there? {To the audience j with a smile.) "And he keeps on risin' an' risin' till he reaches 66 ST. KEvrtf. his meridan.^' '^Whafs that?" says he. ^^His dinner- toime/^ says I. ^^ Sure 'n that^s my Latin for dinner-toime. And when he gets his dinner He sinks to rest Behind the glorious hills of the west." Oh, begorra, there^s more poetry. I feel it croppin' out all over me. ^^ There," says I, well satisfied with meself, ^^will that do for ye?" ^^ You haven^t got done with him," says he. ^^Done with himf" says I, kinder mad like. ^^What more do you want me to do with him? Didn't I bring him from the east to the west? What more do you want?" ^^Oh," says he, ^^you have to have him back agin in the east to rise the next momin' ! " By Saint Patrick, and wasn't I near betrayin' me ignor- " ance. Sure 'n I thought there was a large family of suns, and they riz one after the other ; but I gathered meself quick, and says I to him, ^^Well," says I, ^^I'm surprised you ax me that simple question. I thought any man 'ud know," says I, ^^when the sun sinks to rest. in the west that er — When the sun," says I — ^^ You said that be- fore," says he. ^^ Well, I want to impress it strongly upon you," says I. ^^When the sun sinks to rest behind the glorious hills of the east — no, west — why, he — why, he waits till it grows very dark, and then he goes back in tJie night-toime!^^ ST. KEVIN. A Legend of GlendalougJi, At GlendaloTigh Mved a young saint. In odor of sanctity dwelling — An old-fashioned odor^ which now We seldom or never are smeUiug ; SAMUEL LOVER. ST. KEYIX. 67 A book or a hook were to Mm The utmost extent of his wishes ; !N"ow, a snatch at the ^^ Lives of the Saints f Then; a catch at the lives of the fishes. There vras a yonng vroman^ one day. Sauntering along by the lake, sir; She looked hard at St. Kevin, they say, But St. Kevin no notice did take, sh*. "When she found looking hard wouldn^t do, She looked soft — ^in the old sheep^s eye fashion ; But, with all her sheep's eyes, she could not In St. Kevin see signs of soft passion. '' You're a great hand at fishing/' says Kate ; <( ^Tis yourself that knows how, faith, to hook them ; But, when you have caught them, agra, Don't you want a young woman to cook them ?" Says the saint, ^^ I am ' sayrious inclined/ I intend taking orders for hfe, dear." '^ Only many," says Kate, ^' and you'U find Tou'U get orders enough fi'om your wife, dear." ''You shaU never be flesh of my flesh," Says the saint, with an anchorite groan, sir ; '' I see that myself," answer'd Kate, '' I can only be ^ bone of your bone,' sir. And even your bones are so scarce," Said Miss Kate, at her answers so glib, sir, '' That I think you would not be the worse Of a httle additional rib, sir." The saint, in a rage, seized the lass — He gave her one twirl round his head, sir, And, before Doctor Amott's invention, Prescrib'd her a watery bed, sir. Oh, cruel St. Kevin ! — for shame ! When a lady her heart came to barter, You should not have been Knight of the Bath, But have bowed to the order of Garter. 68 THE WIDOW CUMMISKET. THE WIDOW CUMMISKEY. A Laughable Irish Recitation. The Tvidow Cummiskey was standing at the door of her httle millinery store, Avenue D, the other everdng, as Mr. Costello came along. Mr. Costeilo stopped. ^' Good evening to you, ma'am," said he. ^^ Good evening to you/' answered the widow. '^ It's jQne weather we're havin', ma'am/' continued Mr. Costello. ^^ It is that, thank God/' replied Mrs. Cummiskey, ^^but the winter's comin' at last, and it comes to all, both great and small." ^^Ah!" said Mr. Costello, ^'but for aU that it doesn't come to us all alike. Now, here are you, ma'am, fat, rosy, an' good-lookin', equally swate as a summer greening, a fall pippin, or a winter russet — " ^^Arrah, hould yer whist, now," interrupted the fair widow, laughing. ^^ Much an old bachelor like you knows about apples or women. But come in, Mr. Costello, and take a cup of tay with me, for I was only standin' be the doore lookin' at the people passin' for company sake, like, and I'm sm-e the kettle must have sung itself hoarse." Mr. Costello needed no second invitation, and he fol- lowed his hostess into her snuglDackToom. There was a bright fire burning in the little Frankhn stove, the tea- kettle was sending forth a cloud of steam that took a ruddy glow from the fire-light, the shaded hght on the table gave a meUow and subdued light to the room, and it was all very suggestive of comfort. ^^ It's very cosey ye are here, Mrs. Cummiskey," said Mr. Costello, casting a look of approbation around the room ^^ Yes," rephed the widow, as she laid the supper, '4t is that whin I do have company." ^^ Ah," said Mr. Costello, ^4t must be lonesome for you with only the cat and yer cup o' tay." THE WIDOW CUMMISE3EY. 69 '^ Sure it is," answered the widow. ^^But take a sate and set down, Mr. Costello. Help yourself to the fish, an' don't forgit the purtatics. Look at thim ; they're sphttin' their sides with laughin'." Mr. CosteUo helped himself and paused. He looked at the plump widow, with her arms in that graceful position assiuned in the pouring out of tea, and remarked, ^^Fm sinsible of the comforts of a home, Mrs. Cummiskey, although I've none mesilf. Mind, now, the difierence be- tween the taste o' the tay made and served that-a-way and the tay they gives you in an 'ating-house." '^ Sure," said the widow, ^^ there's nothin' like a home of ^ your own. I wonder ye never got marrit, Mr. Costello." ^^ I was about to make the same remark in riference to yerself, ma'am," answered Mr. Costello. ^^ God keep us," exclaimed Mrs. Cummiskey, '^ aren't I a widder woman this seven year ?" ^^Ah," rejoined Mr. Costello, ^^but it's thinkin' I was why ye didn't get marrit again." " Well, it's sure I am," said the widow, thoughtfully, set- ting down her tea-cup and raising her hand byway of em- phasis, ^' there never was a better husband to any woman than him that's dead and gone. Heaven save and rest his soul. He was that aisy, a child could do anythin' with him, and he was as humorsome as a monkey. You favor him very much, Mr. Costello ) he was about your height, an' dark-complected hke you !" ^^ Ah !" exclaimed Mr. Costello. ^^He often used to say to me in his bantherin' way, ^ Sure, Nora, what's the worruld to a man whin his wife is a widder f manin', you know, that all timptations in luxuries of this life can never folly a man beyant the grave. ' Sure, Nora,' says he, ^ what's this worruld to a man whin his wife is a widder f Ah, poor John !" ^^ It T^as a sensible sayin', that," remarked Mr. CostehO; helping himself to more fish. 70 THE WIDOW CUMMISKEY. ^' I mincl the day John died," continued the widow. ^^ He knew everything to the last, and about four in the after- noon — it was seventeen minutes past five exactly, he the clock, that he died — ^he says to me, ^Nora,' says he, ' you've been a good wife,^ says he, ^ an' IVe been a good husband/ says he, ' an' so there's no love lost betune us,' says he, ' an' I could give you a good char-ak-tur to any place,' says he, ^ an' I wish you could do the same for me where I'm goin',' says he, ^ but it's case equal,' says he ] ' every dog has his day, and some has a day and a half,' says he, ^and,' says he, ^I'll know more in a bit than Father Corrigan himself,' says he, ' so I'll not bother my brains about it / and he says, says he, ^ and if at any time ye see anny wan ye like better nor me, marry him,' says he, for the first time spakin' it solemn hke. ^ Ah, Nora, what is the wurruld to a man when his wife is a widder ? And,' says he, ' I lave fifty dollars for masses, and the rest I lave to yom^self,' says he, ' an' I needn't tell ye to be a good mother to the children,' says he, ^ for well we know there are none.' Ah, poor John. Will ye have another cup of tay, Mr. Costello !" ^^ It must have been very hard on ye," said Mr. CosteUo. '^ Thank ye, ma'am, no more." ^^ It was hard," said Mrs. Cummiskey; ^^but time wiU tell. I must cast about me for me own livin', an' so I got until this place, an' here I am to-day." '^ Ah !" said Mr. Costeho, as they rose from the table and seated themselves before the fire, ^^ an' here we are both of us this evenin'." "• Here we are, sure enough," rejoined the widow. ^^ An' so I mind ye of— of him, do I?" asked Mr. Cos- teUo, after a pause, during which he had gazed contem- platively into the fire. ^^ That ye do," answered the widow. '^ Ye favor him greatly. Dark-complected an' the same pleasant smile." ^^ NoW; with me sittin' here, and you sittin' there fore- THE WIDOW cummise:ey. 71 ninst me, ye miglit almost think ye were marrit again/' said Mr. Costello, insinuatingly. ^^ Ah; go 'way now for a taze that ye are," exclaimed the widow, mussing her clean apron by rolling up the corners of it. ^' I disrememher what it was he^said about seein' anny man you liked better nor him," said Mr. Costeho, moving his chair a httle nearer to that of the widow. ^^ He said, said he," answered the widow, smoothing her apron over her knees with her plump white hands, '^ ^ Nora,' said he, ^ if any time ye see anny man ye hke better nor me, marry him,' says he." ^^ Did he say anything about anny wan ye liked as well as him f" asked Mr. Costello. ^^ I don't mind that he did," answered the widow, re- flectively, folding her hands in her lap. ^^ I suppose he left that to yerself f pursued Costello. ^^ Faith, an' I don't know, thin," answered Mrs. Cum- miskey. ^^ D'ye think ye hke me as well as him f asked Costello, persuasively, leaning forward to look into the widow's eyes, which were cast down. ^^ Ah, go 'way for a taze," exclaimed the widow, straight- ening herself, and playfully slapping Costello in the face. He moved his chair still nearer, and stole his arm around . her waist. ^^ Nivver you think I'm ticklesome, Mr. Costello," says the widow, looking boldly at him. ^^ Tell me," he insisted, '^ d'ye hke me as well as ye did him?" ^^ I — I most — I most disremember now how much I liked him," answered the widow, naturally embarrassed by such a question. ^^ Well, thin," asked Costello, enforcing his question by gentle squeezes of the widow's round waist; ^^ d'ye hke me well enough as meself f 72 THE IRISHMAK^S PANORAMA. '*' Hear the man !" exclaimed the widow, derisively ; ^^ do I hke him well enough as himself!'^ ^^Ah, now, don't be breakin' me heart," i)!^^^^^^ C^'S- tello. ^^ Answer me this question, Mrs. Cummiskey: Is yer heart tender towards me I" ^^It is," whispered ^the widow; '^ an' there, now ye have it." ^^ Glory be to God !" exclaimed the happy lover, and he drew the not unwilling widow to his bosom. A few minutes after Mrs. Cummiskey looked up, and, as she smoothed her hair, said : '^ But, Jam — es, ye haven't told me how ye hked yer tay." ^^ Ah, Nora, me jewel," answered Mr. Costello, *^ the taste of that first kiss would take away the taste of aU the tay that ever was brewed." *'THE IRISHMAN'S PANORAMA." As recited ly J. S. Bur deft. Ladies and gintlemen: In the foreground over thare yer'll observe Vinegar Hill, and should yer be goin' by that way some day, yer moight be fatigued, an' if yer ar' yerll foind at the fut o' the hill a nate httle cot kept by a man name McCarty, who, be the way, is as foine a lad as you'll mate in a day's march. I see by the hasp on the door that McCarty's out, or I'd take yes in an' introduce yer. A foine, noble, ginerous feUar this McCarty, shure, an' if he had but the wan peratie he'd give yer the half it, an' phot's more, he'd thank yer for takin' it. (Move the crank, James. Music be the bagpipes, Larry.) Ladies an' gintlemen : We've now arrived at a beautiful shpot, situated about twinty moiles this side o' Limericl^:. To the left over thare yer'll see a hut be the side of which is sated a lady an' gintleman ; well, as I was goin' that way wan day, the following conversation I heard 'twixt him an' her. Says she to him : '' James, it's a shame for yer to be THE miSHMAlT^S PAIN'OEAMA. 73 ratin' me so — yer moind the time yer come to me father's castle a-heggin^ !^^ ^^ Yer father's castle, me woife f shm-e yer could shtand on the outside, stick yer arm down the chimney, pick peraties out o' the pot, and divil a partition betwixt you and the hogs hut shtraw !*^ (Move the crank, James, etc.) Ladies and gintlemen: We have now arrived at the beautihil and classical Lakes of Killarney. Thare^s a curi- ous legend connected wid dese lakes that I must relate to yer. It is that every avenin', at foor o'clock in the after- noon, a beautiful swan is seen to make its appearance, and while movin^ along transendently and ghdelessly, ducks its limbs, skips under the water, and yer'll not see him again till the next afternoon. (Turn the crank, James, etc.) Ladies and gintlemen : We have no^ arrived at another beautiful shpot, situated about thirteen an' a half miles this side of Coruk. This is a grate place, noted for shports- men, an' phile shtoppin' over thare at the Hotel de Finney, the following tilt of a conversation occurred betwixt Mr. Muldooney, the waiter, and meself. I says to him, says I, " Mully, ould boy, will you have the kindness to fetch me m the mustard f an' he was a long time bringin' it, an' I opportuned him for kapin' me, and says he to me, says he, ^^ Mr. McCune (that's me), I notice that you take a great dale of mustard wid your mate." ^^1 do," says L Says he, ^^ I notice that you take a blame sight of mate wid your mustard." (Move the crank, James, etc.) Ladies and gintlemen : Before I close my Panaramma, I'll show you one more picture. While traveling in the States, some years ago, for the benefit of my health, I took the cars for Chin-chin-nat-ti, State of Oh-ho-ho, on me way to Mont-real and Que-bec- que, in Can-a-da, down the river Saint Larry-o-mae, till a place called Buff-lo, after which I struck a party going about eighteen an' a half miles north, till a place celebrated for its great waterfall, an' called Ni-a-ga-ra. 74 PADDY BLAKE^S ECHO. While passin^ by the Falls wan evenin' I overheard the followin' remarks pass between a lady an' gintleman. Says he to her^ '^ Mary Ann," says he, ^^ cast your eyes up on that ledge of rocks, and see that vast body of water a-rushin' down over the precipice. Isn't that a great curiosity f " ^^ I know that," says she ; ^^ but fou^dent it be a greater curiosity if they'd all turn round and pass back again ?" ^^ James, turn the crank. Larry, give us ^^ Home, Swate Home.") PADDY BLAKE'S ECHO. SAMUEL LOVER. One of the Wojxders of Killarney, In the gap of Dunlo There's an echo, or so, And some of them echoes is very surprisin' ; You'll think, in a stave That I mane to desaive, For a ballad's a thing you expect to find lies in. But visibly thrue In that hill fominst you There's an echo as plain and safe as the bank, too ; But civilly spake " How d'ye do, Paddy Blake?" The echo politely says ^' Yery well, thank you !" One day Teddy Keogh "With Kate Conner did go To hear from the echo such wondherful talk, sir ; But the echo, they say, Was conthrairy that day. Or perhaps Paddy Blake had gone for a walk, sir. So Ted says to Xate ^' 'Tis too hard to be bate By that deaf and dumb baste of an echo, so lazy, But if we both shout At each other, no doubt, We'll make up an echo between us, my daisy I THE WAKE OF TIM O^HAEA. 75 '' :N'ow, Kitty/' says Teddy, '^ To ansTver be ready/' '^ Oh, very well, thank you/' cried out Kitty, then, sir. '' Would you like to wed, Kitty darlin' f ' says Ted. " Oh, very well, thank you/' says Kitty, again, sir. '' D'ye like me f" says Teddy, And Mtty, quite ready. Cried " Yery well, thank you !" with laughter beguiling. Kow won't you confess Teddy could not do less Than pay his respects to the lips that were smiling ? Oh, dear Paddy Blake, May you never forsake Those hills that return us such echoes endearing ; And, ghis, all translate The sweet echoes like Kate, 2:^0 faithfulness doubting, no treachery fearing. And, boys, be you ready, Like frolicsome Teddy, Be earnest in loving, though given to joJcing; And thus when inclined. May all true lovers find Sweet echoes to answer from hearts they're invoking ! THE WAKE OF TIM O'HARA. ROBERT BUCHANAN. To the wake of O'Hara Came companie ; All St. Patrick's Alley Was there to see, "With the friends and kinsmen Of the family. On the old deal table Tim lay in white. And at his pillow the burning light ; While, pale as himself, with the tear on her cheek, The mother received us — too full to speak. But she heap'd the fire, and, with never a word. 76 THE WAKE OF TIM O^HAPvA. Set the black bottle upon the board, "WTiile the company gathered, (me and all. Men and women, big and small — Kot one in the alley but felt a call To the wake of Tim O'Hara. At the face of O'Hara, All white with sleep, IN'ot one of the women But took a peep, And the wives new wedded Began to weep. The mothers clustered around about, And praised the linen and laying out. For white as snow was his winding-sheet, And all looked peaceful, and clean, and sweet. The old wives, praising the blessed dead, Clustered thick round the old press-bed, Where O^Hara^s widow, tattered and torn. Held to her bosom the babe new-bom, Ajid stared all round her, with eyes forlorn, At the wake of Tim O^Hara. For the heart of O^Hara Was trae as gold. And the life of O'Hara Was bright and bold. And his smile was precious To young and old. Gay as a guinea, wet or dry, "With a smiling mouth and a twinkling eye I Had ever an answer for chaff or fun, "Would fight like a lion with any one ! ISTot a neighbor of any trade But knew some joke that the boy had made ! Kot a neighbor, dull or bright, But minded something, frolic or fight, And whispered it round the fire that night, At the wake of Tim O'Hara. THE WAKE OF TIM O^HAKA. 11 '' To God be glory In death and life ! He^s taken O'Hara From trouble and strife/' Said one-eyed Biddy, The apple-wife. '^ God bless old Ireland V^ said Mistress Hart, Mother of Mike, of the donkey-cart : ^' God bless old Ireland tiU aU be done ! She never made wake for a better son V^ And aU joined chorus, and each one said Something kind of the boy that was dead. The bottle went round from lip to hp, And the weeping widow, for fellowship, Took the glass of old Biddy, and had a sip, At the wake of Tim O'Hara. Then we drank to O'Hara "With drams to the brim, While the face of O'Hara Looked on so grim, In the corpse-light shining Yellow and dim. The drink went round again and again ; The talk grew louder at every drain ; Louder the tongues of the women grew ; The tongues of the boys were loosing too ! But the widow her weary eyelids closed. And, soothed by the drop of drink, she dozed ; The mother brightened and laughed to hear Of O'Hara' s fight with the grenadier, And the hearts of us all took better cheer, At the wake of Tim O'Hara. Tho' the face of O'Hara Looked on so wan. In the chimney comer The row began ; Lame Tony was in it, The oyster-man. 78 FATHEB MOLLOT. For a dirty low thief from the north came near And whistled " Boyne Water " in his ear, And Tony, with never a word of grace, Hit ont his fist in the blackguard^s face. Then all the women screamed out for Mght ; The men that were drunkest began to fight; Over the chairs and the tables they threw ; The coi-pse-light tumbled, the trouble grew ; The new-bom joined in the hullabaloo. At the wake of Tim O'Hara. '^ Be still! Be silent! Ye do a sin ! Shame be his portion Who dares begin !" 'Twas Father O'Connor Just entered in ; And all looked shamed, and the row was done ; Sony and sheepish looked every one ; But the priest just smiled quite easy and free — '' Would you wake the poor boy fi-om his sleep T said he. And he said a prayer, with a shining face, Till a land of a l^rightness filled the place ; The women lit up the dim corpse-light. The men were quieter at the sight ; And the peace of the Lord fell on all that night, At the wake of Tim O'Hara. FATHER MOLLOY. SAMUEL LOVEE. The Dying Confession of Paddy McCabe. Paddy McCabe was dying one day. And Father Molloy he came to confess him ; Paddy prayed hard he would make no delay. But forgive him his sins and make haste for to bless him. " First tell me your sins,'' says Father Molloy, i' Yox I'm thinking you've not been a very good boy." FATHEK MOLLOT. 79 '' Oh/' says Paddy, '^ so late in the evenin' I fear 'Twoiild throuble yon snch a long story to hear, For yonVe ten long miles o'er the monntain to go, T^hile the road Vve to travel's ranch longer, you know : So give US your blessin' and get in the saddle ; To tell all my sins my poor brain it would addle ; And the docthor gave ordhers to keep me so quiet — 'Twould disturb me to tell all my sins, if Fd thry it — And your Keverence has towld us unless we tell all 'Tis worse than not maMn' confession at all : So m say, in a word, I'm no very good boy, And, therefore, your blessin', sweet Father Molloy." " Well, Fll read from a book," says Father Molloy, " The manifold sins that humanity's heir to ; And when you hear those that your conscience annoy, 4 You'll just squeeze my hand, as acknowledging thereto." Then the Father began the dark roll of iniquity. And Paddy, thereat, felt his conscience grow rickety. And he gave such a squeeze that the priest gave a roar— " Oh, murdher !" says Paddy, " don't read any more ; For, if you keep readin', by all that is thrue. Tour Eeverence's fist will be soon black and blue ; Besides, to be troubled my conscience begins, That your Reverence should have any hand in my sins. So you'd better suppose I committed them all — For whether they're great ones, or whether they're small, Or if they're a dozen, or if they're four-score, 'Tis yom- Eeverence knows how to absolve them, asthore : So, I'll say, in a word, Fm no very good boy. And, therefore, your blessin', sweet Father Molloy." '^ Well," says Father MoUoy, ^' if your sins I forgive, So you must forgive all your enemies truly, And promise me also that, if you should live, You'll leave off your old tricks, and begin to live newly.'' " I forgive ev'rybody," says Pat, with a groan, " Except that big vagabone, Micky Malone ; And him I wiU mm'dher if ever I can — " " Tut, tut !" says the priest, '' you're a very bad man ; 80 PAT^S LETTER. For without your forgiveness, and also repentance, Tonsil ne'er go to heaven, and that is my sentence.^' '' Pooh !" says Paddy McCahe, " that^s a very hard case ; With your Reverence and heaven I^m content to make pace ; But with heaven and your Reverence I wondher — och hone, You would think of comparin' that blackguard, Malone. But since I^m hard pressed and that I must forgive, I forgive — if I die ; but as sm*e as I live That ugly blackguard I will sm-ely desthroy ! — So now for your blessin', sweet Father Molloy V* PAT'S LETTER. "Well, Mary, me darlint, I'm landed at last, And troth, though they tell me the steamer was fast, It sames as if years upon years had gone by Since Paddy looked intill yer beautiful eye ! For Amerikay, darlint — ye'll think it is quare — Is twinty times furder than Corli from Kildare ; And the say is that broad, and the waves are that high, Te're tossed like a fut-ball 'twixt wather and shky ; And ye fale like a pratie just bm*stin' the shkin, That aU ye can do is to howld yersilf in. Ochone ! but, me jewel, the say may be grand : But, when ye come over, dear, travel by land ! It's a wondheiful counthry, this — so I am towld — They'll not look at guineas, so chape is the gowld : And the three that poor mother sewed into my coat I sowld for a thrifle, on Taving the boat. And the quarest of fashions ye iver have seen ! They pay ye with picters all painted in green. And the crowds that are rushing here, morning and night, "Would make the lord-lieutenant shake with the fright. The strates are that full that there's no one can pass, And the only law is, ^^ Do not thread on the grass." Their grass is the quarest of shows — by me vow — For it wouldn't be munched by a Candlemas cow. TeU father I wint, as he bid mO; to see THE BIRTH OF ST. PATRICK. 81 His friend, Tim O^Shannon, from Killjcaiighnee. It\s rowling in riches O'Shamion is now, "With a wife and tin babies, six pigs and a cow, In a nate little house, standing down from the strate, With two beautiful rooms, and a pig-sty complate. I thought of ye, darlint, and dramed such a drame ! That mebbe, some day, we'd be living the same ; Though, troth, Tim O^Shannon^s wife niver could dare (Poor yaller- skinned crayther) with you to compare ; While, as for the pigs, shure ^twas aisy to see The bastes were not mint for this land of the fr'ce. I think of ye, darlint, fi'om morning till night ; And when I'm not thinking ye're still in me sight ! I see your blue eyes, with the sun in their glance — Your smile in the meadow, your fut in the dance, ni love ye, and thrust ye, both living and dead ! (Let Phil Blake look out for his carroty head !) Pm working, acushla, for you — only you ! And Pll make ye a lady yit, if ye'U be true ; Though, troth, ye can't climb fortune's laddher so quick, "WTiin both of your shouldhers are loaded with brick ; But PU do it — I declare it, by — this and by that— Which manes what I daren't say — from Your own Pat. THE BIBTH OF ST. PATBICK. SAMUEL LOVER, On the eighth day of March it was, some people say. That Saint Pathrick at midnight he first saw the day ; While others declare 'twas the ninth he was bom. And 'twas aU a mistake between midnight and mom ; Por mistakes ivill occur in a hurry and shock. And some blamed the babby — and some blam'd the clock- Till with all thefr cross-questions sure no one could know If the child was too fast — or the clock was too slow, Kow the first faction fight in owld Ireland, they say, Wa3 all on account of Saint Pathrick's birthday ; Some fought for the eighth — for the ninth more would die, 82 BRIDGET O'HOOLEGOIN^S LETTER. And who wouldn't see right, sure they blackened his eye ! At last both the factions so positive grew, That each kept a birthday, so Pat then had ticOy Till Fathei\Mulcahy, who showed them their sins. Said, '' Iso one could have two birthdays, but a twins J* Says he, ^^ Boys, don't be fightin' for eight or for nine, Don^t be always dividin' — but sometimes combine ; Combine eight with nine, and seventeen is the mark, So let that be his bh'thday/' ^' Amen/^ says the clerk. " If he wasn't a twins, sure our hist'ry will show That, at least, he's worth any two saints that we know V^ Then they all got blind dhrunk — which complated then* bliss, And we keep up the practice from that day to this. BRIDGET O'HOOLEGOIN'S LETTER. Tullymucclescrag, Panish of Ballyraggett, near Ballysluggathey, County of Kilkenny, Ireland, Jinuary the 1th. My Dear Nephew : I haven't sent ye a letther sinc6 the last time I wrote to ye, bekase we have moved from our former place of livin' and I didn't know where a letther would find ye ; but I now with pleasure take up me x>in to inform ye of the death of yer own livin' uncle, Ned Fitz- patrick, who died very suddenly a few days ago afther a lingerin' illness of six weeks. The poor fellow was in violent convulsions the whole time of his sickness, lyin' perfectly quiet, and intirely speechless — all the while talk- in' incoherently, and ciyin' for wather. I had no oppor- tunity of informin' ye of his death sooner, except I wrote to ye by the last post, which same went off two days be- fore he died ; and then ye would have postage to pay. I'm at a loss to tell what his death was occasioned by, but I fear it was by his last sickness, for he was niver well ten days togither durin' the whole of his confinement ; and I believe his death was brought about by his aitin' too much of rabbit stuffed with pais and gravy, or pais and gravy BRIDGET O^HOOLEGOIX'S LETTER. 83 stuffed with rabbit; but be that as it may, when he brathed his last, the docther gave up all hope of his re- covery. I needn^t tell ye anything about his age, for ye well know that in June next ho would have been just seventy-five years old lackin^ ten months, and, had he hved till that time, would have been just six months dead. His property now devolves to his next of kin, which all died some time ago, so that I expect it will be divided be- tween us; and ye know his property, which was 7ery large, was sold to pay his debts, and the remainder he lost at a horse-race ; but it was the opinion of iverybody at the time he would have won the race, if the baste he run aginst hadn't been too fast for him. I niver saw a man in all my hfe, and the docthers all said so, that observed directions or took medicine betther than he did. He said he would as leve dhrink bitter as sweet if it had only the same taste, and ipecakana as wisky punch, if it would only put him in the same humor for fightin\ But, poor sowl ! he will niver ate or dhrink any more, and ye haven't a hvin' relation in the world ex- cept meself and yer two cousins who were kilt in the last war. I cannot dwell on the mournful subject any longer, and shall sale me letther with black sahn'-wax, and put in it yer uncle's coat-of-arms. So I beg ye not to brake the sale when ye open the letther, and don't open it until two or three days afther ye resave this, and by that time ye will be well prepared for the sorrowful tidings. Yer old sweetheart sinds her love unknownst to ye. When Jarry McGhee arrives in America, ax him for this letther, and if he don't brung it from amongst the rest, tell him it's the one that spakes about yer uncle's death, and saled in black. I remain yer affectionate ould grandmother, Bridget O'hoolegokt. P. S. — Don't write till ye resave this. N. B. — When yez come to this place, stop, and don't rade any more until my next. 84 PADDY PAGAN'S PEDIGREE. PADDY FAGAN'S PEDIGREE. Am—" Sprig of Shillaleh." Vm a tight Irieli boy, and from Dublin I came, I am highly connected, Pat Fagan's my name, And it isn't meself that's a vulgar spalpeen ; I am all the way there, and in truth, sirs, you'll find While I'm going ahead, sure I'm never behind ; I never use blarney wid age or wid youth — If I tell lies all day, sure every word's truth, Wid my double-milled larning, and shamrock so gi'cen. SPOKE:sr. — And where did I lam it all? Sure from the mother-tongue of my father^ who was a fine, motherly man, but he had a knack of growing, and he'd never lave it off; from a boy he grew mto a young man, then he'd not lave it off; from a young man he grew into an old man, then he'd not lave it off; so for a change he grew dead one day, and then he'd not lave it off, for he grew musty, and fusty, and rusty ; so to keep him sweet above ground we put him un- der it, and by the powers he'd not lave off growing then, for the last time we dug him up he wasn't there, for he had grown himself to waste. Och ! but he had a knack of get- ting over the boys and girls too, for on his table was larning and potatoes at the same time, and you were welcome to eat them all and leave the rest behind you. Och ! sure he had a most ilhgant brogue, and he laid his blarney on with a trowel, and this was the way of htm : ^^ Och !" said he, ^^ honor your fathers and mothers all the days of their lives, if they died before you were bom. Keep your hands from picking and stealing, or if you steal anything mind it be- longs to yoursilf. Niver spake ill of your neighbor widout giving him a good character. Keep your tongue from ly- ing and slandering, unless you speak thruth all the time you are doing of it. Niver break your word widout keeping of it at the same time. Always honestly pay your debts whether you owe any or not. Niver borrow an article of a neighbor that he h^s not got to lend you, or you are likely PAT O'FLANIGAN^S COLT. 85 to get disappointed ; by ttie same rule niver lind an article that you have not got ; if you do, you will never get it back again. Niver try to keep an empty sieve full of water, or attempt to bottle off the wind, or run afther a flash of lightning. But there are some people who are so disagreeable, that they are niver quiet but when they are kicking up a row, and niver satisfied but when they are discontinted. Now such people should go to some unin- habited, unknown country which they can^t find out, and not let their frinds know where to find them. Thin when they were all alone, hke Adam and Eve were in the garden of St. Stephen, if they should have a row wid their next- door neighbor, to save peace and quietness, and prevent blows, box it out wid them." This is the way me father taught me, and thus I lead his way while he goes before me. I'm a tight Irish boy, etc. PAT O'FLANIGAN'S COLT. An Irish Recitaiion. Patrick O'Flanigan^ fi:om Erin's isle Just fresh^ tMnking he'd walk around a while, "With open mouth and widely staring eyes, Cried '^ Och !" and '^ Whist !" at every new sm'prise. He saw some laborers in a field of corn ; The golden pnmpldns fit the scene with glory ; Of ah that he had heard since being born, I^othing had equaled this in song or story. '^ The holy mither ! and, sirs, would ye plaise To be a teUin' me what might be these ? An' sm*e I'm thinMn' that they're not pratees, But maybe it's the way you grow your chase." " Ah; Patrick, these are mare'*s ^gg^/' said the hand^ (xiving a wink to John, and Jim, and Bill ; ^' Just hatch it out, and then you have yom* horse ; Take one and try it ; it will pay you well." 86 PAT O^FLANIGAK'S COLT. " Faith aii^ that^s aisy sure ; in dear ould Ireland I always had my Christmas pig so nate, Fatted on buttermilk^ and hard to bate ; But only gintlemen can own a horse. Ameriky's a great counthry indade ; I thought that here Fd kape a pig, of coorse, Have me own land, and shanty without rent, An' have me vote, an' taxes not a cint ; But sm*e I niver thought to own a baste. An' won't the wife and childer now be glad ? A thousand blissings on your honor's head ! But could ye tell by lookin' at the egg "What color it will Jiatch ? It's to me taste To have a dapple gray, with a long tail. High in the neck, and sLLnder in the leg, To jump a twel' feet bog, and niver fail. Like me Lord Dumferline's at last year's races— '^ Just then the merry look on aU their faces Checked Patrick's flow of talk, and with a blush That swept his face as milk goes over mush, He added, ^^ Sure, I know it is no use To try to teU by peering at an egg If it wiU hatch a gander or a goose ;" Then looked around to make judicious choice. '^ Pick out the largest one that you can hide Out of the owner's sight there by the river ; Don't drop and break it, or the colt is gone ; Carry it gently to your Little farm, Put it in bed, and keep it six weeks warm.'' Quickly Pat seized a huge, ripe, yeUow one, ^' Faith, sure, an FIL do every bit of that. The whole sax wakes I'll lie meself in l)ed, An' keep it warrum, as your honor said ; Long life to yees, and may you niver walk, ISTot even to yom* grave, but ride foriver ; Good luck to yees," and without more of talk He pulled the forelock neath his tattered hat, And started off ; but plans of mice and men G-ang oft agley, again and yet again. PAT O^FLANIGAN^S COLT. 87 Fiill half a mile upon Ms homeward road Poor Patrick toiled beneath his heavy load. A hilltop gained, he stopped to rest, alas ! He laid his mare's egg on some treacherous grass ; When down the steep hillside it rolled away, And at poor Patrick's call made no delay. Gaining momentum, with a heavy thump, It struck and split upon a hollow stump. In which a rabbit lived with child and wife. Frightened, the timid creatm'e ran for life. " Shtop, shtop my colt !" cried Patrick, as he ran After his straying colt, but all in vain. With ears erect poor Bunny faster fled As ^^ Shtop my colt V' in mournful, eager tones Struck on those organs, till vdth fright half dead He hid away among some grass and stones. Here Patrick searched till rose the harvest moon, Braying and whinnying till he was hoarse. Hoping to toe the colt by this fond cheat ; *^ For won't the young thing want his mither soon, And come to take a bit of sometMng t' eat V' But vain the tender accents of his call — Ko colt responded from the broken wall ; And 'neath the twinlding stars he plodded on, To tell how he had got and lost his horse. ^^ As swate a gray as iver eyes sat on,'' He said to Bridget and the children eight. After thrice telling the whole story o'er ; '^ The way he run it would be hard to bate ; So little, too, with jist a whisk o' tail, Hot a ptn-feather on it as I could see. For it was hatched out just sax weeks too soon ! • An' such long ears were niver grown before On any donkey in grane Ireland ! So little, too, you'd hold it in your hand ; Och hone ! he would have made a gay donkey." So all the sad Flanigans that night Held a loud wake over the donl^ey gone, Eating their ^' praties " without nulk or salt. PAT AND THE OYSTERS. Howling between wliiies, '- Oeli ! my little colt V While Bunny, trembling from his dreadful fr'ight, Skipped home to Mrs. B. by light of moon. And told the story of his scare and flight ; And all the neighboring rabbits played around The broken mare's egg scattered on the ground. PAT AND THE OYSTERS. One evening a red-headed Connaught swells of no small aristocratic pretensions in his own eyes, sent his servant, whom he had just imported from the long-horned kingdom, m all the rough majesty of a creature fresh from the ^' wilds," to purchase a hundred of oysters on the City Quay. Paddy staid so long away, that Squire Trigger got quite impatient and imhappy, lest his ^^ body man" might have shpped into the Liffey. However, to his infinite re- lief, Paddy soon made his appearance, puffing and blowing hke a disabled bellows, but carrying his load seemingly in great triumph. ^' Well, Pat," cried the master, ^^ what the devil kept you so long f" ^^ Long ! Ah, thin, maybe it's what you^d have me to come home with half my arrantV^ says Pat. ^^ Half the oysters?" says the master. '^No; but too much of the ^5/^," says Pat. ^^ What fish?" says he. ^^ The oysters, to be sure," says Pat. ^^ What do you mean, blockhead!" says he. ^^ I mean," says Pat, ^^ that there was no use in loading myself with more nor was use- ful." ^^Will you explain yourself?" says he. ^^I will," says Pat, laying down his load. '' Well, then, you see, plaise your honor, as I was coming home along the quay, mighty peaceable, who should I meet but Shammus Maginus ? ^ Good-morrow, Shamien,' sis I. ^ Good mor- row, kindly, Paudeen,^ sis he. ^ What is it you have in the sack V sis he. ^ A hundred of oysters,^ sis I. ^ Let us look I at thom,^ sis he. ^I will, and welcome,^ sis L ^Arrah! JIMMY MCBRIDE^S LETTER. 89 thunder and pratees!^ sis he, opening the sack, and examining them, ^ who soivld 5'ou these V ^ One Tom Kina- han that keeps a small ship there below/ sis I. ' Musha, then, bad luck to that same Tom that sotvld the likes to you !^ sis he. ^ Arrah ! why, avick V sis I. ^ To make a holsotir ov you, an' give them to you without claning thim,' sis he. ^ An' arn't they claned, Jim, aroon V sis I. ^ Oh ! bad luck to the one of thim,' sis he. ^ Mushathen/ says I, ^ what the dhoul will I do at all, at all ? for the master will be mad.' ^ Do !' sis he, ^ why, I'd rather do the thing for you myself, nor you should lose your place,' sis he. So wid that he begins to clane them with his knife, nate and zvell, an', afeered ov dirtying the flags, begor, he swallowed the msides himself from beginnin' to ind, tal he had them as dacent as you see thim here," dashing down at his master's feet his bag of oyster-shells, to his master's no small amazement. JIMMY McBRIDE'S LETTER. The following characteristic letter was wiitten by a Hibernian, after six years' experience of American institu- tions : " New York, Dec. tlie one, 1867. My dear Mary, the darlint of my heart and sowl, I am well, but had the favor and ague ; and I hope you are in the same condition, thanks be to God. I wish you many happy New Years, and the childer, and hope you will ha\'e threescore and ten of them. We had a Christmas here. But the Haythens don't keep it hke we used at home. Divil resave the one ivir said to me Many Rappy Christ- mas, or Bad luck to you, or any other Politeness. I did not get a Christmas box until i was goiog home that night, and a night-walking Blackguard gave me one on the eye^ 90 JIMMY MCBRIDE'S LETTER. and axed me for my money. I gave him all i could, about a score of pounds, v/hicli knocked the sinse out of him. Dear Mary, They tell me that the Nagur is going to be the White Man in futm-e ] and the "White Nagurs in Congress, a public house in Washington, are going to try the Presi- dent for being a white man. If they find him guilty, and there is no doubt of it, for they are accusers, witnesses, lawyers and judges all in one, they are going to execute him, make a fellow called Coldfacks President, and re- move the state of Government to a place called Boshton, celebrated for its republicans and sinners. Thim is the same as the Rediculous fellows they caU Ridicules, or Radicals, saving your Prisence. They want to continue their own Power, God Betune us and all harm. They say the Southerners must go down on their knees to them. They forget that the poor divils are fiat on their backs already ) and they are a mane set to kick a man whin he's down. Be jabers it makes my Blood bile to think of it. One war is no sooner inded then they Commence the be- gining of another in Washington ; an' God knows whin or where it may ind. I lost one fine leg in the last. But i have another left for a good cause, and I'll fight for John- son, for i hear his Great Grandmother, by his forefather's side, was an Irishman. We have snow and frost here, and is likely to have more weather. The temperance men, God save the mark, in a place called Albany, where the people sind ripresentatives to chate thim, have stopt our grog, only By Daylight. Divil a much matter anyways, for they don't kape a dacint drap of drink in the country ; no raal ould Irish Poteen ; nothing but stuff that would kill a pig, if he had to five on it, much less a Christian Baste. Remember me to Darby. Tell him he's well, and ax him how i am. I am sorry to hear of the death of the Bull, and hope you are likewise ; her milk is a loss. TeU Teddy McFinn if he comes out here he will see more of PADDY MCGEATH^S INTRODUCTION TO MR. BRUEST. 91 America in one day than if he staid home all his hfe. I am glad his wife got over the twins^ and hope she'll do better the next time, there is room for improvement. I hke this country ; but there is no place hke ould Ireland, where you^d get as much whisky for a shilling as would make tay for six people. If you get this, write soon : if you don't, write and let me know. I may be dead, for life is uncertain under the Radicals. But dead or ahve I'll answer your letter. Address your dear Brother Jimmy, New York, America. Jimmy Mc Bride. PADDY McGRATH'S INTRODUCTION TO MR. BRUIN. An Irish Story. Not long since I was walking with Jimmy Butler through a thick wood on me way to Judy O'Flinn's, to pay me bist addrissis to her, whin Jimmy very suddintly cried out, ^^ Be jabers ! but there's Mr. Bruin !" and with that he runs off like a shot, lavin' me alone jist forninst the ould gintleman. '' Mr. Bruin, are ye V^ says I. ^^ How do you do, Mr. Bruin ? Happy to know yer worship, and hope yer honor's well. Happy o' yer acquaintance," says I. A grunt was the only answer I resaved. ^^ Och, sure !'^ thinks I, ^^ yer a quare ould chap at iny rate ;" and thin I axed him how Mrs. Bruin and aU the young spalpeen Bruins prospered. He only gev me another grunt. ^^ Bad luck to yer eddication !" says I. '^ Where did ye hev yer bringin' up f Me name^s Paddy McGrath, of Tipperary county, ould Ireland, at yer sarvice," says I agin, thinkin' to hev some conversation wid him. He only showed me his big grinders and gev me another grunt, but he stni stood lookin' at me. ^^ Be dad ! but he's niver been taught his letthers, and cannot understhand me, or 92 PADDY MCGRATH'S nsTTRODTJCTION TO MR. BRULN". Ms eyes must be mighty wake and bad. The top o^ the mornin^ to yez f Do yez always wear yer coat with the wool on the outside V^ says I agin. This samed to touch a tinder pint wid him, and he kern towards me. Holdin' out me hand, I wint to mate him. ^^ Excuse the complimint/^ says I, ^^ but jouWe a mighty oogly moog, so ye hev." He grinned mighty plazed hke, and held out his arrums to embrace me. Jist as I kem widin rache of his long arrums, he gev me a cuff aside me hid, which sint me flyin\ Me sinsis lift me mighty quick afther he sthruck me, and whin they kem back, I found meseP a-roUin^ down a shtape hill, wid no chance to sthop. Prisintly, howiver, I sthruck a big stoomp, and suddintly sthopped. Whin I got on me fate agin, I saw Mr. Bruin comin^ afther me on his hands and knase, and grinnin^ as much as to say, ^^ I beg yer pardin, but I didn't mane to tip yez so hard." ^^ Och, I fm^give yez,'' says I : ^^ come to me arrums, Mr. Bruin. Paddy McGrath is not the filler to hould a groodge agin a frind. Yer as welcome to me embrace as me own Judy." This samed to plaze the ould gint might- ily, for he shtood on his fate and agin held out his arrums ; I rushed to his embrace widout another word. ^^ Och, murdher ! murdher !" I scramed ; ^^ yer a practiced hugger, ye are ! jes've been in the business afore ! How I pity Mrs. Bruin if ye sarve her this way often. Och, murdher !" I cried agin ; ^^ I don't like such tight squazin'. m be satisfied wid the httle yeVe gev me if ye'll loosen yer ho wid, and gev me a rist." He gev me a harder squaze than iver, and opened his big oogly jaws and tried to bite me nose off. ^^Bedad! are ye a haythen cannibal?" says I, ^-that ye'd take a filler's hid off to show yer love for him ?" He gev me another hug, and fastened his big taath onto me lift shoulder. ^^ Bad cess to ye !'' says I, ^' but yer afther makin' too fra wid me on short acquaintince ; but PADDY MCGRATH^S INTRODUCTIO]^ TO ME. BRUEN". 93 1^11 be avert wid yez f so sayin^, I twisted me arrum from Ms grasp, and, thrustin^ me shillaly into his mouth, gev it a twist with such mighty force that I broke his under jaw. The ould gint samed to think he had been too lovin^ wid me, so givin^ a grunt, he let go me shoulder, takin^ a pound of me tinder flish wid him, which he ate with a big rehsh. ^^ Bedad ! Paddy ! if yez don't outdo yer new friend, he'll lave but little of yez for yer Judy," thinks I, and widout more ado I gev him a blow between his eyes. He gev a quick jerk back, and I sprang from his embrace — ^but, och ! deary me ! he took the whole of me fine coat, weskit, and shht but the shlaves, and started off wid 'em. ^^ Och ! ye thavin' murdherin' nager," says I, ''• bring back me close or I can't pay me addrissis to me Judy, darlint." He niver paid me a bit o' notice, but rooshed off. I stharted afther the haythenish baste. He climbed up a big tra mighty quick, takin' me close wid him. I axed him, very perlite hke, to throw down me wearin' apparel, but he only blinked his bloody eyes at me. I was jist goin^ to throw me shillaly at him, when I heard a gun go off, and Mr. Bruin gev a terrible squail, dhropped me close, and kem toomblin' to the ground. I looked around in astonishment, and saw Jimmy Butler and siveral others, comin' down the hill towards me. Whin Jimmy saw me alive he cried like a spalpeen, and rushed into me arrmns. When he let me go, I axed him what he mint by shootin' Mr. Bruin in that way. He told me he was a bear and would hev kilt me. ^^A bear ! did ye say !" says I, ^^ why didn't yez tell me afore so that I could hev kipt ye company in yer rimnin^ away from him? A bear !" says I, agin, beginnin' to trimble for fear the ould gint might not be quite dead — ^^ give him another shot, Jimmy, to be sure ye've kilt him intirely." He was dead sure enough^ and we lift hum alone quite gory. 94 MR. o'hoolahai^^s mistake. Jimmy got me some new close, and we wint home. Whin I told Judy of the squazin^ I got, she blushed, and put her arrums around me nick, and gev me so soft a squaze that, for a time, I forgot me introduction to Mr. Brain. MR. O'HOOLAHAN'S MISTAKE. An Irish Recitation. An amusing scene occurred in Justice Young's court-room an evening or two since. Two sons of the ^^ ould sod,'' fall of ^^ chain-lightning " and law, rushed in, and, advancing to the justice's little law-pulpit at the rear of the court-room, both began talking at once. ^^ One at a time, if you please," said the judge. ^^ Judge — ^yer — honor — willlsphake thin?" said one of the men. ^^ Silence !" roared his companion. '^ I am here ! Let me talk ! Phwat do you know about law ?" ^^ Keep still yourself, sir," said the judge. " Let him say what he wants." " Well, I want me naime aff the paiper. That's phwat I want," said the man. ^^ Off what paper f said the judge. ^^ Well, aff the paiper : ye ought to know what paiper. Sure, ye married me, they say." ^' To whom f" asked the judge. ^^ Some female, sir ; and I don't want her, sir. It don't go ! and I want me naime aff the paiper." " Silence !" roared the friend, bringing his huge fist down upon the little pulpit, just under the judge's nose, with a tremendous thwack. ^^ Silence I I am here. Phwat do you know about law ? Sure, yer honor, it was TimMcClos- key's wife that he married — ^his widdy, I mane. You married thim, yer honor." ME. O^HOOLAHAiq^^S MISTAKE. 95 ^^ And I was dhrunk at the time, sir. Yis, sir ; and I was not a free aigent ; an^ I don^t Imow a thing about it, sir — (io you see? I want me naime aff the paiper — I repudiate, sir." '^ Silence ! Let me spake. Phwat do you know about law ?" bringing his fist down upon the judge^s desk. ^^ But I was dhrunk : I was not at the time a free aigent." '^ Silence ! I am here to spake. It does not depind on that at all. It depinds — and there is the whole pint, both in law and equity — ^it depinds whether was the woman a sole thrader or not at the time this marriage was solem- nated. That is the pint, both in law and equity !" ^^ But I was dhrunk at the time. Divil roawst me if I knowed I was gittin^ married. I was not a free aigent. I want the judge to talk me naime aff the paiper. It don^t go." The judge tried to explain to the man that, drunk or sober, he was married to the woman fast enough, and, if he wanted a divorce, he must go to another court. "^ Burn me up !" cried the man, ^^ if I go to another court. „ Ye married me, and ye can unmarry me. Talk me naime aff the paiper !" '^ Silence !" cried the friend, bringing his fist down in close proximity to the judge^s nose. ^^ Phwat do you know about law ? I admit, judge, that he must go to a higher court; that is (down comes the fist) if the woman can prove (whack) that she was at the time the marriage was solemnated (whack) a regularly ordained sole thrader (whack). On this pint it depinds, both in law and equity." ^^ I have had enough of this !" cried the judge : ^^ I cannot divorce you. You are married, and married you must re- main, for all I can do." ^^ Ye won^t talk me naime aff the paiper, thin !" ^^ It would not mend the matter," said the judge. ^^Ye won^ttaikitafff" '^ No : I won't !" fairly yeUed the judge. ^^ Silence !" cried the partner, bringing down his fist, and 96 MR. o^hoolahan's mistake. raising a cloud of dust under the judge^s nose. '^ It depinds whether, at the time, the woman was a regular sole — " ^^Get out of here/^ cried the judge. ^^ I've had about enough of this !-' at the same time rismg. ''' Ye won't talk it aff ? Very well, thin, I'll go hoam and devorce myself. I'll fire the thatch ! I will — '^ Here he glanced toward the front door : his under jaw drooped, he ceased speaking, and in a half-stooping posture he Vv^ent out of the hack door of the ofdce like a shot. The valiant friend and legal adviser also glanced toward the door, when he, too, doubled up and scooted in the foot- steps of his illustrious principal. A look at the door showed it darkened by a woman about six feet in height, and so broad as to fill it almost from side to side. The judge took a look at this mountain of flesh, doubled up, and was about to take the back track, but thought better of it, and took refuge behind his little law-pulpit. The moimtain advanced, gave utterance in a sort of internal rumble, and then, amid fire, smoke, and burning lava, belched out — '^ Did I, or did I not see Michael O^Hoolahan sneak out of your back doore V^ ^^ I beheve O'Hoolahan is the name of one of the gentle- men who just went out," said the judge. Advancing upon the pulpit, behind which the judge set- tled lower and lower, the mountain belched, — ^* You be -e -lave ! You know it was Michael O'Hoolahan ! Now, what is all this connivin' in here about f Am I a wid- dy agin ? Did ye talk his naime aff the paiper ? Did ye talk it aff r "• N-no," said the judge. ^^ Ye didn't? Don't ye desave me V^ ^^ No : I give you my word of honor I didn't, couldn't— I had no right.'' ^^ It's well for ye ye didn't. I"ll tache him to be rinnin' KITTY MALOKE. 97 about connivin^ to lave me a lone widdy agin^, whin I^m makkV a jintleman of Mm V^ ^^ With this she sailed back to the door, where she turned, and, shaMng her fist, thus addressed the tip of the judge's nose, which alone was visible above the httle pulpit, — ^^ Now, do you mind that ye lave his naime on the paiper ! I want no meddlin' wid a man wanst I git him. No more connivin' V^ KITTY MALONE. '^ It's tellin' my story, ye're askin' ? Shure, miss, there is httle to tell; The children are down with the fay ver, And mesilf, I am not over weU. ^^ Where's Pat ? Shure, now^ ye are taysin' ; "Who knows, when a man is away ? The woman must bide with the babbies, And niver be idle nor play. '^ Out of work ? Shnre ye are right, miss, I^Tot a ha'porth he's done for a year. Git along, is it ? Why, 'tis the washin' And scrubbin' that kapes us all here. '^ Te see, miss, when Pat is a-slaypin' " So swate, and a-dramin' of heaven, Why, I tend the babbies and washes For you folks in two twenty-seven. '^ And thin I'll be mindin' the childer, The fayver is hard on 'em, dear — What's ailin' the likes of ye, lady ? Ter swate eyes is wet wid a tear ! '^ Ye see, as I said, wMle Pat's slaypin', I'm aiming om' pennies for bread, Or givin' a sup to poor Johnnie, Or puttin' the babby to bed. 98 KITTY MALONE. " It keeps me that busy, I never Know whether it rains or it snows. Quit washin' ? 'WTiy, bless ye, dear lady, These poor little lambs would be froze. '' And Pat is that fond of me, lady, ^Twould make ye to smile, could ye see How he'll coax for a bit of terbaccy. And hangs round the likes of poor mo. *^ Make him work ? ISTow, my lady, y e're foolin^- Do ye think he could stand at the tub. And wring out the close for the gentry ? Or go down on his knees for to scrub ? '' Pat's a mighty fine man, thin, my lady. Does he drink ? Shure, niver a drop ; He is aisy, my Pat, an' he tells me, ' Shure, Kit, you will never give up.' '' And no more will I thin, while my babbies Creep round on this old cabin floor ; And Pat, he jist smokes, so continted. And throws me a smack at the door. '' Down-hearted ? Oh, bless ye, swate lady, There's times when I can't spake a prayer— The babbies, mayhap, wantin' breakfast. And me not a crust for the pair ; '' Or the meal, maybe, gone from the cupboard, Or the landlord has asked for his rint ; Oh, my heart goes down like a stone, miss, And me not ownin' a cint. " Ajid Pat ? Oh, he jist goes away thin — Men cannot bide trouble at home — And I ? "WeU, dear, Kitty McCarthy "Was gayer nor Kitty Malone." * * * * *f * Oh, tender and true-hearted Womanhood, Whether found in palace or cot. What knows the world of thy viilues ? How soon thy toil is forgot ! IBISH ASTROI^OMY. 99 On the roll of the army of martyrs Write a name — on a pure white stone ; Only God and the angels know thee^ Poor, battle-scarred Kitty Malone ! IRISH ASTRONOMY. CHARLES G. HALPINE. A veritable myth, touching the constellation of O'R'iAN, ignorantly and falsely spelled Okion. O'Ryan was a man of might, "Whin Ireland was a nation, But poachin' was his heart's dehght, And constant occupation. He had an ould militia gun, And sartin sure his aim was ; He gave the keepers many a run. And wouldn't mind the game laws. St. Pathrick wanst was passin^ by O'Eyan^s little houldin', And as the saint felt wake and dhry. He thought he^d enther bould in ; '' O^Ryan,^' says the saint, ^' avick ! To praich at Thurles I'm goin' ; So let me have a rasher, quick, And a dhrop of Innishowen." " !N'o rasher will I cook for you While betther is to spare, sir ; But here's a jug of mountain dew, And there's a rattlin^ hare, sir.^ St. Pathrick he looked mighty sweet. And says he ^^ Good luck attind you, And when you^re in your windin' sheet It's up to heaven I'll sind you.'' O'Ryan gave his pipe a whiff — '^ Them tidin's is thransportin'. But may I ax your saintship if There's any iind of sportln' !" 100 PATRICK O^ROTJKE AND THE FROGS. St. Patbrick said, '^ A Lion^s there, Two Bears, a Bull, and Cancer" — " Bedad/' says Mick, " the hnntin's rare, St. Pathrick, Pni your man, sir !'' So, to conclude my song aright. For fear I'd th-e your patience. You'll see O'Ryau any night Amid the constellations. And Yenus follows in his track. Till Mars grows jealous raally. But, faith, he fears the Irish knack Of handling his shillaly. PATRICK O'ROUKE AND THE FROGS. GKOKGE W. BUNGAY. Saint Patrick did a vast deal of good in liis day ; he not only drove the snakes out of Ireland^ but he also drove away the fi'ogs — at least I judge so from the fact tnat Patrick O^- Ronke was unfamilia'r with the voices of these noisy hydro- paths. Pat had been visiting at the house of a friend, and he had unfortunately imbibed more whisky than ordinary mortals can absorb with safety to their persons. On his return home the road was too narrow, and he perfoimed wonderful feats in his endeavors to maintain the centre of gravity. Now he seemed to exert bis best eflbrts to walk on both sides of the road at the same time ; then he would fall and feel upward for the ground ; then he would slowly pick himself up, and the ground would rise and hit him square in the face. By the time he reached the meadow- lands, located about half-way betwixt his home and the shanty of his hiend, he was somewhat sobered by the ups and downs he had experienced on the way. Hearing strange voices, he stopped suddenly to ascertain if possible the purport of their language. Judge his aston- ishment when he heard his own name distinctly caUed, '' Patrick O'llouke— Patrick O^Rouke." PATRICK O^ROUKE AND THE FROGS. 101 ^^ Faith, that^s me name, sure.^' ^TatrickO'Eouke— Patrick— O'Rouke—Eouke—Roiike.^^ ^^ What do ye want o^ the hkes o' me V^ he inqmred. ^^ When did you come over — come over — come over V^ ^' It is jest tree months ago to the minute, and a bad time we had, sure, for we wur all say-sick, and the passage lasted six long wakes. ^^ ^^What will you do — do — dof What will you do — do —do V' ''- 1 have nothing to do at all at all ; but then I can do anything : I can dig ; I can tind mason ; and I can hould office, if I can git it.'' ^^ You are drunk — you are drunk — drunk— drunk — drunk —drunk." ^^ By my soul that's a he." '^ You are drunk — dead drunk — drunk — drunk." '^ Repate that same if ye dare and I will take me shiUaly to ye." '' You are drunk — dead drunk — drunk — drunk." ^^ Jist come out here now and stip on the tail o' me coat, like a man," exclaimed Pat in high dudgeon, pulhng off his coat and trailing it upon the ground. ^^ Strike him — strike him— strike — strike — strike." ^^ Come on wid ye, and the divil take the hindmost • I am a broth of a boy — come on." '^ Knock him down — down — down." '^ I will take any one in the crowd, and if Mike Mulhgan was here we would take all of yees at onct." '[ Kin him— kiU hun— kill him." ^^ Och, mm"ther ! sure ye wud not be afther murdering me — ^I was not oncivil to ye. Go back to Pate Dogan's wid me now, and I will trate ivery one of yees." '' We don't di^ink rum — ^rum — rum." ^^ And are ye all Father Matthew men V^ ^^ We are cold watermen — watermen." ^^ Take me advice now, and put a little whasky in the 102 PATRICK O'ROUKE AND THE FROGS. watlier, darlings : it will kape tlie cowld out whin yees git wet, and so it will.^^ *^ Moderation— moderation — moderation.^' ^^Yis, that's the talk. I wint to Pate Dogan's, down there m BrownviUe, and says I, ^ Will ye stand trate V Says he^ ^ Faith, and I will.' Says I, ^ Fill up the glass ;' and so he did ; ^ Fill it agin/ said I, and so he did ; ^ and agin^' said I, and so he did. ^ Give me the bottle/ said I. ^And I won't do that same/ said he. ^ Give me the bottle/ said I, and he kipt on niver hecdin' me at all at all, so I struck him wid me fist rite in his partatee thrap, and he kicked me out o' the house, and I took the hint that he didn't want me there, so I lift.'' ^^ Blackguard and bully — blackguard and bully." ^^ Ye wouldn't dare say that to my face in broad day, sm^e ; but ye are a set of futpads and highwaymin, hiding behind the rocks and the traas. Win I onct git to Watertown I will sind Father Fairbanks afther ye, and he will chuck ye into the pond as he did that thafe who stole the public money, and he will hould ye there until ye confess, or he will take yees to the perleese." ^^ Come on, boys — chase him — chase him." ^' Faith, and I won't ran, but I will jist walk rite along, for if any of me frinds shud find me here in sich company, at this time o' night, they wud think I was thrying for to stale somethin'. Tak me advice, boys, and go home, for it's goin' for to rain, and ye will git wet to the skin if ye kape sich late hours." ^^ Catch him — catch him — catch him." ^^ Sure ye'd bether not, for I haven't got a cint wid me or I'd lave it in yer jackets. What's the use of staling all a man has whin he has jist nothing at all at all ? Bad luck , to ye for bothering me so." About this time the frog concert was in full tune, and the hoarse chorus so alarmed Pat that he took to his heels, for he was now sober enough to run. Reaching his home, two miSH COQUETRY. 103 miles distant from the scene of his encounter with the ^^igh- waymin " who held such a long parley with him, he gave a graphic history of his grievance. Soon it was noised about the neighborhood that Patrick O'Eouke had been waylaid and abused by a drunken set of vagabonds, whose head- quarters were near a meadow on the banks of the Black Eiver; but the fear of the citizens subsided when they discovered that Pat had been out on a bender, and could not distinguish a frog from a friend or an enemy. IRISH COQUETRY. Says Patrick to Biddy, ^^ Good-momin^, me dear ! .. It^s a bit av a sacret Fve got for yer ear : It^s yourser that is luMn' so charmin^ the day, That the heart in me breast is fast shppin' away." ^' ^Tis you that Mn flatther/^ Miss Biddy rephes. And throws him a glance from her merry blue eyes. " Arrah, thin/' cries Patrick, ^^ 'tis thinkin' av you That's makin' me heart-sick, me darhnt, that's thrue ! Sure I've waited a long while to tell ye this same, And Biddy Maloney wiU be such a foine name." Cries Biddy, ^^ Have done wid yer talkin,' I pray ; Shure me heart's not me own for this many a day ! '' I gave it away to a good-lookin' boy, "Who thinks there is no one like Biddy MaUoy ; So don't bother me, Pat ; jist be aisy," says she. " Indade, if ye'll let me, I wiU that !" says he ; '^ It's a bit of a flirt that ye are, on the sly ; I'll not trouble ye more, but I'll bid ye good-by." '^ Arrah, Patrick," cries Biddy, '^ an' where are ye goin' ? Sure it isn't the best of good manners ye're showia' To lave me so suddint !" '' Oeh, Biddy," says Pat, " You have knocked the cock-feathers jist out av me hat !" " Come back, Pat !" says she. '^ "What fur, thin ?" says he. '^ Bekase I meant you aU the time, sh !" says she. 104 KING O'TOOLE AND ST. KEVIN. KING O'TOOLE AND SAINT KEVIN. SAMUEL LOVER. ^^ Well, sir, you must know that there was wanst a king called King O^Toole, who was a fine ould king in the ould ancient times, long ago ; and it was him that ownded the Churches in the airly days." ^^ Surely/' said I, ^Hhe churches were not in King OToole'S time?'' ^^ Oh, by no manes, yer honor — troth, it's yourself that's right enough there — but you know the place is called ^ The Churches,' bekase they wor built aftlier by Saint Kavin, and wint by the name o' the Churches iver more ; and therefore, av coorse, the place bein' so called, I say that the king ownded the Churches — and why not, sir, seein' 'twas his birthright, time out o' mind, beyant the flood ? Well, the king, you see, was the right sort — he was the rale boy, and loved sport as he loved his life, and huntin' in par- tic'lar ; and from the rising o' the sun, up he got, and away he wint over the mountains beyant afther the deer : and the fine times them wor ; for the deer was as plinty thin, aye, throth, far plintyer than the sheep is now ; and that's the way it was with the king, from the crow o' the cock to the song o' the redbreast. ''' In this counthry, sir," added he, speaking parentheti- cally, in an under-tone, ^^we think it unlooky to kill the redbreast, for the robin is God's own bird." Then, elevating his voice to its former pitch, he pro- ceeded : ^^ Well, it was all mighty good as long as the king had his health ; but, you see, in coorse o' time the king grevrn owld, by raison he was stiff in his limbs, and when he got sthricken in years, his heart failed him, and he was lost intirely for want of divarshin, bekase he couldn't go a huntin' no longer, and by dad, the poor king was obleeged at last for to get a goose to divart him." Kma O-TOOLE AND ST. KEVIN. lOS Here an involuntary smile was produced by tMs regal mode of recreation^ ^^ the royal game of goose." ^^ Oh, you may laugh, if you like," said he, half affronted, ^^ but it^s thruth I^m tellin^ you ; and the y/ay the goose divarted him was this-a-way : you see, the goose used for to swim acrass the lake, and go down divin^ for throut (and not finer throut in all Ireland than the same throut) and cotch fish on a Friday for the king, and flew every other day round about the lake, divartin^ the poor king, that you^d think he'd break his sides laughin' at the frol- icsome tricks av his goose ; so in coorse o' time the goose was the greatest pet in the counthry, and the biggest rogue, and divarted the king to no end, and the poor king was as happy as the day was long. So that's the way it was ; and all went on mighty well, antil, by dad, the goose got sthricken in years, as well as the king, and grown stiff in the hmbs, like her masther, and couldn't divart him no longer ; and then it was that the poor king was lost com- plate, and didn't know what in the wide world to do, seein' he was done out of all divarshin, by raison that the goose was no more in the flower of her blame. ^^Well, the king was nigh hand broken-hearted, and melancholy intirely, and was walkin' one mornin' by the edge of the lake, lamentin' his cruel fate, an' thinkin' o' drownin' himself, that could get no divarshin in life, when all of a suddint, turnin' round the corner beyant, who should he meet but a mighty dacent young man comin' up to him. ^^ ^ God save you,^ says the king (for the king was a civil- spoken gintleman, by all accounts), ^ God save you,' says he to the young man. ^^ ^ God save you kindly,' says the young man to him back again ; ^ God save you,' says he, ^ King O'Toole.' ^^ ^ True for you,' says the king, ^ I am King O'Toole,' says he, ^ prince and plennypennytinchery o' these parts/ says he ; ^ but how kem ye to know that V says he. 106 EXN^G O'TOOLE and ST. KEVrN\ '^ ^ Oh, niver mind/ says Saint Kavin. ^^ For you see/^ said old Joe, in his under-tono again, and looking very knowingly, ^^it was Saint Kavin, sure enough — the saint himself in disguise, and nobody else. ^ Oh, niver mind,^ says he, ^ I know more than that,^ says he, ^ nor twice that.^ '' 'And who are you that makes so bowld — who are you at all at all !^ '^ ' Oh, never you mind,' says Saint Kavin, ' who I am ; you'll know more o' me before we part, King O'Toole,' says he. '' ' I'll be proud o' the knowledge o' your acquaintance, sir,' says the king, mighty p'hte. '^ ' Troth, you may say that,' says Saint Kavin. ' And now, may I make bowld to ax, how^ is your goose. King O'Toole V says he. '^ 'Blur-an-agers, how kem you to know about my goose V says the king. '^ ' Oh, no matther — I was given to undherstand it,' says Saint Kavin. '^ ' Oh, that's a folly to talk,' says the king ; ' because myself and my goose is private friends,' says he, ' and no one could tell you,' says he, ' barrin' the fairies.' ^' ' Oh, thin it wasn't the faiiies,' says Saint Kavin ; 'for I'd have you to know,' says he, ' that I don't keep the hkes o' sitch company.' '' ' You might do worse, then, my gay fellow,' says the king ) ' for it's tliey could show you a crock o' money as aisy as kiss hand ; and that's not to be sneezed at,' says the king, ' by a poor man,' says he. '' ' Maybe I've a betther way of makin' money myself,' says the saint. '' ' By gor,' says the king, ' barrin' you're a coiner,' says he, ' that's impossible !' '' ' I'd scorn to be the hke, my lord !' says Saint Kavin, mighty high ; ' I'd scorn to be the hke,' says he. KnSTG O'TOOLE and ST. KEYTN. 107 ^^^Then what are you?^ says the king^ ^ that makes money so aisy, by yom^ own account.^ ^^ ^ I'm an honest man/ says Saint Kavin. ^^ ^ Well, honest man/ says the kmg, ' how is it you made yom* money so aisy f '' ' By makin^ ould things as good as new/ says Saint Kavin. " ' Blm'-an-onnS; is it a tinker you are V says the king. "" ^ No/ says the saint ; ^ Tm no tinker by thrade, King OToole; Tve a betther thrade than a tinker/ says he. ^ What would you say/ says he, ^ if I made your ould goose as good as new f '' My dear, at the words o^ makin^ his goose as good as new, you^d think the poor ould king^s eyes was ready to jump out iv his head, ^And,' says he — ' troth, then, Pd give you more money nor you could count, ^ says he, ' if you did the hke ; and Pd be behoulden to you into the bargain.^ '^ '1 scorn your dirty money,' says Saint Kavin. ^^ ^ Faith, then, Fm thinktn' a trifle o' change would do you no harm,' says the king, lookin- up sly at the old cau- been that Saint Kavin had on him. ''• ' I have a vow agin it,' says the saint ; ^ and I am book sworn,' says he, ^ never to have gold, silver or brass in my company.' '' ' Barrin' the trifle you can't help,' says the king, mighty cute, and looking him straight in the face. '' ' You just hot it,' says Saint Kavin ; ^ but though I can't take money,' says he, ' I could take a few acres o' land, if you'd give them to me.' '' ' With all the veins o' my heart,' says the king^ ^ if you can do what you say.' ^i i Thry me !' says Saint Kavin. ^ Call down your goose here,' says he, ' and Til see what I can do for her.' ^^ With that the Idng whistled, and down kem the poor goose, all as one as a hound, waddlin' up to the poor ould cripple, her masther, and as hke him as two pays. The 108 -KING O'TOOLE AND ST. KEYIN. minute the saint clapped his eyes an the goose, ' I'll do the job for yon/ says he, ^ King O'Toole !' ^^ ^ By Jaminee,^ says King O'Toole, ^ if you do, but I'll say you are the cleverest fellow in the sivin parishes.^ ^^ ^ Och, by dad/ says Saint Kavin, ^ you must say more nor that — my horn's not so soft aU out/ says he, ^ as to repair your ould goose for nothin'. What'll you gi' me if I do the job for you ? — that's the chat,' says Saint Kavin. ^^ ^ril give you whatever you ax,' says the king; 4sn't that fair f ^^ ^ Divil a fairer,' says the saint; ^that's the way to do business. Now,' says he, ^ this is a bargain I'll make with you. King O'Toole : will you gi' me all the ground the goose flies over, the first offer afther I make her as good as new ?^ ^^ ^ I will,' says the king. ^^ ^ You won't go back o' your word V says Saint Kavin. ^^ ^ Honor bright !' says King O'Toole, howldin' out his fist." Here old Joe, after applying his hand to his mouth, and making a sharp blowing sound (something like ^^ thpj^^) extended it to illustrate the action. ^^ ^ Honor bright,' says Saint Kavin back again, ^ it^s a bargain,' says he. ^ Come here !' says he to the poor old goose — ^ come here, you unfort'nate ould cripple,' says he, ' and it's I that'U make you the sportin' bird.^ ^^ With that, my dear, he took up the goose by the two wings — ^ criss o' my crass on you,' says he, markin' her to grace with the blessed sign at the same minute — and thro win' her up in the air, ^ whew !' says he, jist givin' her a blast to help her ; and with that, my jewel, she tuk to her heels, flyin' hke one of the aigles themselves, and cuttin' as many capers as a swallow before a shower of rain. Away she wint down there, right forninst you, along the side of the clift, and flew over Saint Kavin's bed (that is where Saint Kavin's bed is now but was not if/m^, by raison it wasn't made, but was conthrived afther by Saint KING O'TOOLE ANB ST. KEVIN. 109 Kavin himself, that the women might lave him alone), and on with her undher Luduff, and round the ind av the lake there, far beyunt where you see the watherfall (though in- deed it^s no watherfall at all now, but only a poor dhribble av a thing ; but if you seen it in the winther, it id do your heart good, and it roarin^ like mad, and as white as the dhriven snow, and rowhn^ down the big rocks before, all as one as childher playm^ marbles) — and on with her thin right over the lead mines o' Luganure (that is where the lead mines is nozVy but was not thin, by raison they worn't discovered, buttvas all goold in Saint Kavin^stime). Well, over the ind o' Luganm-e she flew, stout and sturdy, and round the other ind av the little lake, by the Churches (that is, av coorse, where the Churches is noiv, but was not tJiin^ by raison they wor not built, but aftherwards by Saint Kavin), and over the big hill here over your head, where you see the big clift (and that clift in the mountain was made by Fa^t Ma Cool, where he cut it acrass with a big swoord, that he got made a purpose by a blacksmith out o' Eathdrum, a cousin av his own, for to fight a joyant [giant] that darr'd him an the Curagh o^ Kildare ) and he thried the swoord first an the mountain, and cut it down into a gap, as is plain to this day ; and faith, sure enough, it's the same sauce he sarv'd the joyant, soon and suddent, and chopped him in two hke a pratie, for the glory of his sowl and ould Ireland) — well, down she flew over the chft, and. fluttering over the wood there at Poulanass (where I showed you the purty waterfall — and by the same token, last Thui-sday was a twelvemonth sence a young lady, Miss Eafierty by name, fell into the same watherfall, and was nigh hand drownded — and indeed would be to this day, but for a young man that jumped in afther her ; indeed a smart shp iv a young man he was — ^he was out o^ Francis Street, I hear, and coorted her sence, and they wor mar- ried, I'm given to undherstand — and indeed a purty couple they wor.) WeU — as I said — afther fluttering over the 110 KI^G O'TOOLE AND ST. KEVn^. wood a little bit, to ;plaze herself, the goose flew down, and lit at the foot o^ the king, as fresh as a daisy, afther flyiii' roun' his dominions, just as if she hadn^t flew three perch. ^^ Well, my dear, it was a beautiful sight to see the king standin^ with his mouth open, lookin^ at his poor ould goose flyin' as light as a lark, and betther nor ever she was ; and when she lit at his fut, he patted her an the head, and ^ Ma voiirneen^' says he, ^ but you are the dar- lint o' the world.' " ^ And what do you say to me,' says Saint Kavin, ^ for makin' her the like V ^ ^^By gor,' says the Iting, ' I say nothin' bates the art o' man, barrin' the bees.' *^ ^ And do you say no more nor that f says Saint Kavin. '^ 'And that Fm behoulden to you,' says the king. '''But will you gi' me all the ground the goose flewn over,' says Saint Kavin. " 'I will,' says King O'Toole, ' and you're welkim to it,' says he, ' though its the last acre I have to give.' " 'But you'll keep your word thruef says the saint. " 'As thrue as the sun,' says the king. " 'It's well for you,' (says Saint Kavin, mighty sharp) — ' it's well for you. King O'Toole, that you said that word,' sa}'s he ; ' for if you didn't say that word, the divil receave the hit o' your goose id ever fly agin^^ says Saint Kavin. " Oh, you needn't laugh," said old Joe, half ofiended at detecting the trace of a suppressed smile ) " you needn't laugh, /or iVs tJinith I'm tellin^ you, " Well, when the king was as good as his word, Saint Kavin was plazed with him, and then it was that he made himself known to the king. 'And,' says he, ' King O'Toole, you're a decent man,' says he, ' for I only kem here to thry you. You don't know me,' says he, ' bekase I'm dis- guised.' " 'Troth, then, you're right enough,' says the king, ' I ETN^G O^TOOLE AND ST. KEVrN-. Ill didn^t perceave it/ says he ; ^ for indeed I never seen the sign o^ sper^ts an you.^ ^^^Oh! that's not what I mane/ says Saint Kavin ; ^1 mane I'm deceavin' you all out, and that I'm not myself at aU.' ^^ ^Blur-an-agers, thin/ says the king, ^if you're not yourself, who are you V ^^ ^Vm Saint Kavin/ said the saint, blessin' himself. ^^ ^ Oh, queen iv heaven !' says the king, makin' the sign o^ the crass betune his eyes, and faUin' down on his knees before the saint. ' Is it the great Saint Kavin/ says he, ^ that I've been discoorsin' all this time without knowin' it,' says he, ^ all as one as if he was a lump iv a gossoon f — and so you're a saint !' says the king. ^^ ^I am,' says Saint Kavin. '^ ^ By gor, I thought I was only talking to a dacent boy,' says the king. ^^ ^Well, you know the differ now,' says the saint. ^ I'm Saint Kavin,' says he, ^ the greatest of all the saints.' ^^For Saint Kavin, you must know, sir," added Joe, treating me to another parenthesis, ^^ Saint Kavin is counted the greatest of all the saints, because he went to school with the prophet Jeremiah. ^^ Well, my de^, that's the way that the place kem, all at wanst, into the hands of Saint Kavin; for the goose flewn round every individyial acre of King O'Toole's prop- erty you see, hein^ let into the saycret by Saint Kavin, who was mighty eiite ; and so, when he done the ould king out of his property for the glory of God, he was placed with him, and he and the king was the best o' friends iver more afther (for the poor ould king was doatin\ you see), and the king had his goose as good as new, to divart him as long as he hved ; and the saint supported him afther he kem into his property, as I tould you, antil the day iv his death— and that was soon afther; for the poor goose thought he was ketchin' a throut one Friday ; but, my 112 FATHER ROACH. jewel, it was a mistake he made, and instead of a tlirout it was a thievin^ horse-eel. By dad, the eel killed the king's goose — and small blame to him ; but he didn't ate her, bekase he daren't ate what Saint Kavin laid his blessed hands on. ^^ Howsumdever, the king never recovered the loss iv his goose, though he had her stuffed (I don't mane stuffed with praties and inyans, but as a curiosity), andpresarved in a glass case for his own divarshin ; and the poor king died on the next Michaelmas Day, which was remarkable. Troths ifs thruth Tm tellin^ you. And when he was gone, St. Kavin gev him an ilhgant wake and a beautiful berry- in' ; and more betoken, he said mass for his soivlj and tuJc care av Ms gooseJ^ FATHER ROACH. SAMUEL LOVER. Tliisstory is founded on fact, and exhibits a trial of patience that one wonders human nature could support. Passive endurance, we know, is more difficult than active, and that which is recorded in the following talo is strictly true. Father Eoach was a good Irish priest, "Who stood, in Ms stocldng-feet, six feet, at least. I don't mean to say he'd six feet in his stockings ; He only had two — so leave off with your mockings — I know that yon think I was maldng a blunder : If Paddy says lightning, you think he means thunder : So I'll say, in his boots Father Eoach stood to view A fine, comely man of six feet two. Oh, a pattern was he of a true Irish priest. To carve the big goose at the big wedding feast, To peel the 'biginatie, and take the big can (With a very big picture upon it of '^ Ban"). To pour out the punch for the bridegi'oom and bride, "Who sat smihijg and blushing on either side, "While their health went around, and the innocent glee Rang merrily under the old roof-tree. FATHEE ROACH. 113 Father Roach had a very big parish, By the very big name of Knockdmidhemmdharish, With plenty of bog, and with plenty of mountain : The miles he'd to travel would thronble yon conntin\ The duties were heavy to go through them all — Of the wedding and christening, the mass and sick-call — Up early, down late, was the good parish pastor : Few ponies than his were obliged to go faster. He'd a big pair of boots and a purty big pony. The boots gTcased with fat— but the baste was but bony ; For the pride of the flesh was so far from the pastor. That the baste thought it manners to copy his master : And, in this imitation, the baste, hy degrees, "Would sometimes attempt to go down on his knees ; But in this too-great freedom the Father soon stopped him, With a dig of the spurs — or, if need be, he whopp'd him. And Father Roach had a very big stick, Which could make very thin any crowd he found thick: In a fair he would rush through the heat of the action, And scatter, like chaff to the wind, every faction ; If the leaders escaped from the strong holy man, He made sm'e to be down on the heads of the clan ; And the Blackfoot who courted each foeman's approach, Faith, ^tis hot-foot he'd fly from the stout Father Roach. Father Roach had a very big mouth. For the brave, broad brogue of the beautiful South ; In sajdng the mass sure his flue voice was famous, It would do your heart good just to hear his ^^ Oremus," Which brought down the broad-shouldered boys to their knees, As aisy as winter shakes leaves from the trees ; But the rude blast of winter could never approach The power of the sweet voice of good Father Roach. Father Roach had a very big heart, And ^^ a way of his own" — far surpassing all art ; His joke sometimes carried reproof to a clown; He could chide with a smile — as the thistle sheds down. He was simple, tho' sage — he was gentle, yet strong ; When he gave good advice he ne'er made it too long, 114 FATHER ROACH. But just rolled it up like a snowball, and pelted It into your ear — where, in softness, it melted. The good Father^s heart, in its unworldly blindness, Overflowed with the milk of human kindness ; And he gave it so freely, the wonder was great That it lasted so long — for, come early or late. The unfortunate had it. iN'ow some people deem This milk is so precious, they keep it for cream ; But that's a mistake — for it spoils by degi'ees. And, tho' exquisite milk, it makes very bad cheese. You'll pause to inquire, and with wonder, perchance. How so many perfections are placed, at a glance. In your view, of a poor Irish priest, who was fed On potatoes, perhaps, or at most griddle bread ; TVTio ne'er rode in a coach, and whose simple abode "Was a homely thatch'd cot on a wild mountain road ; To whom dreams of a mitre never occurred ; — I will teU you the cause, then — and just in one xcord. Father Roach had a Mother, who shed Round the innocent days of his infant bed The influence holy, which early incHn'd In heavenward direction the boy's gentle mind, And stamp'd there the lessons its softness could take. Which, strengthened in manhood, no power could shake : In vain might the Demon of Darkness approach The mother-made virtue of good Father Roach ! Father Roach had a brother beside ; His mother's own darling — ^his brother's fond pride ; Great things were expected from Frank, when the world Should see his broad banner of talent unforFd. But Fate cut him short — for the murderer's knife Abridg'd the young days of Frank's innocent life ; And the mass for Ms soul was the only approach To comfort now left for the fond Father Roach. Father Roach had a penitent grim Coming, of late, to confession to him ; FATHER KOACH. 115 He was rank in vice — ^he was steeped in crime. The reverend Father, in all his time, So dark a confession had never known As that now made to th^ Eternal Throne ; And when he ask'd was the catalogue o^er, The sinner replied — '^ Tve a thrifle more/^ '^ A trifle ? — what mean you, dark sinner, saj ? A trifle ? — Oh, think of yom' dying day ! A trifle more f — what more dare meet The terrible eye of the Judgment-seat Than all I have heard ? — The oath broken— the theft Of a poor maiden^s honor — 'twas all she had left ! Say what have you done that worse could be V He whispered, '^ Your brother was murdered by me/' ' God !'' groaned the Priest, ^' but the trial is deep, My own brother's murder a secret to keep, And minister here to the mm'derer of mine — But not my will, Father, but tliine /'' Then the penitent said, '^ You will not betray f* " What, I ? — thy confessor ? Away, away !'' '^ Of penance, good Father, what cup shall I drink f Drink the dregs of thy life — ^live on, and think r The hypocrite penitent cunningly found This means of suppressing suspicion around. "Would the murderer of Frank e'er confess to his brother ? He, surely, was guiltless — ^it must be some other. And years roll'd on, and the only record 'Twixt the murderer's hand and the eye of The Lord "Was that brother^by rule of his Church decreed To silent knowledge of guilty deed. Twenty or more of years passed away. And locks once raven were growing gray, And some, whom the Father once christen' d, now stood, In the ripen'd bloom of womanhood, And held at the font tlieir babies' brow For the holy sign and the sponsor's vow; And grandmothers smil'd by their wedded girls ; But the eyes once diamonds, the teeth once pearls. 116 FATHER ROACH. The casket of beauty no longer grace ; Memory, fond memory alone, might trace Through the mist of years a dreamy light Gleaming afar from the gems once bright. Oh, Time ! how varied is thy sway 'Twixt beauty^s growth and dim decay ! By fine degrees, beneath thy hand, Does latent loveliness expand ; The coral casket richer grows With its second pearly dow'r ; The brilliant eye still brighter glows With the maiden^s ripening hour : — So gifted are ye of Time, fair girls ; But Time, while his gift he deals, From the sunken socket the diamond steals, And takes back to his waves the pearls ! ****** It was just at this time that a man, rather sallow, Whose cold eye bmn^d dim in his featm-es of tallow, Was seen, at a cross-way, to mark the approach Of the Mnd-hearted parish-priest, good Father Eoach. A deep salutation he rendered the Father, Who retum'd it but coldly, and seemed as he^d rather Avoid the same track ; — so he struck o'er a hill. But the sallow intruder ivould follow him still. '^ Father," said he, ^^ as Fm going your way, A word on the road to your Keverence Fd say. Of late so entirely Fve altered my plan, Indeed, holy sir, I'm a different man ; Fm thinking of wedding, and bettering my lot — " The Father replied, ^' You had better not." ^' Indeed, reverend sir, my wild oats are aU sown." ^* But perhaps," said the Priest, " they are not yet grown : — " At least they're not reap^d/^ — and his look became keener ; ^^ And ask not a woman to be your gleaner — You have my advice !" The Priest strode on, And sUence ensued, as one by one FATHER ROACH. 117 They passed through a deep defile, which woimd Through the lonely hills — and the solemn profound Of the silence was broken alone by the cranch Of their hurried tread on some withered branch. The sallow man followed the Priest so fast, That the setting sun their one shadow cast. " Why press/' said the Priest, " so close to me f' The follower answered convulsively, As, gasping and pale, through the hollow he hurried, " 'Tis here, close by, poor Frank is buried — ^^ '' What Frank f' said the Priest— '^JF/m?^ Frank T cried the other ; " Why, he whom I slew — ^your brother — ^your brother.^' " G-reat Grod V^ cried the Priest — ^' m thine own good time, Thou liftest the veil from the hidden crime. Within the confessional, dastard, the seal Was set on my lips, which might never reveal What there was spoken ; but now the sun. The daylight hears what thine arm hath done, And now, under heaven, my arm shall bring Thy felon neck to the hempen string !'' Pale was the murderer, and paler the Priest — Destiny ! — ^rich was indeed thy feast In that awfol hour ! — The victim stood His own accuser ; — ^the Pastor good. Freed from the chain of silence, spoke ; !N"o more the confessionars terrible yoke Made him run, neck and neck, with a murderer in peace, Ajid the villain's life had run out its lease. The jail^ the trial, conviction came. And honor was given to the poor Priest's name, Who held, for years, the secret dread Of a murderer living — a brother dead. And still, by the rule of his Church compelled. The awful mystery in silence held, Till the mm'derer himself did the secret broach — A triumph to justice and Father Roach. 118 PETEE MTTLROONEY AND THE BLACK FILLY. PETER MULROONEY AND THE BLACK FILLY. An Irish Recitation. Kitclien maids are so often bothered in their household duties by the gallantries of the men servants, that my wife had selected one fi'om the Congo race of negroes, ugly to look at, but good-tempered, and black as your hat. Phillis was her name, and a more faithful, devoted, and patient creature we never had around us. I have thus introduced her to my hearers, because she was a conspicuous personage in some of the droll incidents connected with my taking into service a queer specimen of a Patlander, by name Peter Mulrooney. Mulrooney apphed to me for a situation as groom, in the place of one I had just dismissed ; and on my inquiring if he could give me a reference as to his character and quali- fications, he mentioned the name of Mr. David Urban (a personal friend of mine), with whom he had lived. '^ An sure,^^ said he with enthusiasm, '^ there isn^t a dacenter jintleman in all Ameriky.^^ ^^I am happy to hear him so well spoken of," said I, '^but if you were so much attached to him, why did you quit his service f^ ''' Sorra one o' me knows," said he, a little evasively, as I thought. '^ Ayeh ! but 'twasn't his fault, anyhow." ^^ I dare say not ; but what did you do after you left Mr. Urban?" ^^ Och, bad luck to me, sir ! 'twas the foolishest thing in the world. I married a widdy, sir." ^^ And became a householder, eh V ^^Augh!" he exclaimed, with an expression of intense disgust, ^^the house wouldn't hould me long ; 'twas too hot for tha.t, I does be thinkin'." " Humph ! You found the widow too fond of having her own wa,y, I suppose ?" PETER MULROONEY AXD THE BLACK FILLY. 119 •^ Thrue for yoU; sir ; an^ a mighty crooked way it was, that same, an^ that^s no he.'' ^^ She managed to keep you straight^ I dare say." '^ Straight ! Och, by the powhers, Misther Stanley, ye may say that ! If Td swallowed a soger's ramrod, 'tisn't straighter Fd have been !'' ^^ And the result was, that, not appro vmg the widow's discipline, you ran away and left her ?" ^^ Sure sir, 'twas asier done nor that. Her first husband, betther luck to him, saved me the throuble." ^^ Her first husband ! had she another husband hving ?" ^^ Oh, yis, sir ; one Mike ConnoUy, a sayfarin' man who was reported dead ; but he came back one day, an' I re- sthored him his wife and childher. Oh, but 'twas a proud man I was, to be able to comfort poor Mike, by givin' him his lost wife — an' he so grateful, too ! Ah, sir, he had a ra'al Irish heart." Being favorably impressed with Peter's genutue good humor, I concluded to take htm at once into my service. Nor was I mistaken in his character, for he took excellent care of my horses, and kept everything snug around the stables. One day I thought I would test his usefuhiess in doctoring, so I sent for him to the house. '^ Peter," said I, ^^ do you think I could trust you to give the black fiUy a warm mash this evening f As he stared at me for a minute or two without replying, I repeated the question. '' Is it a mash, sir f" said he. ^^ Sure, an' I'd hke to be plasin' yer honor any way, an' that's no he." As he spoke, however, I fancied I saw a strange sort of puzzled expression flit across his face. ^^Ibeg pardin, sir," continued he, ^^but 'tis bothered I am ) will I be afther givhi' her an ould counthry mash, or an Ameriky mash f " ^^ I don't know if there is any difference between them," I answered, rather puzzled at what he was aiming, but 120 PETER MULEOONEY AKD THE BLACK EILLY. I found afterwards that lie didn^t know what a mash was. "• Arrah, 'tis rasonable enough ye shouldn't/' said Peter, ^^ considering that yer honor niver set fut in ould Ire- land." ^^ Look here, Mukooney," said I, impatiently, ^^I want you to put about two double handful s afLbranJnto a pail of warm water, and, after stirring the mixture well, give it to the black filly. That is what we caU a bran mash in this coimtry. Now, do you perfectly understand me ?'- ^^ Good luck to yer honor !'' replied Peter, looking much reheved ; for he had got the information he was fishing for. ^^ Good luck to yer honor ! what 'ud I be good for, if I didn't? sure, 'tis the ould counthry mash afther aU." ^^ Perhaps so, but be sure you make no mistake." ^^ Oh, niver fear, sir, I'll do it illegant ; but about the warm wather f ^^ There's plenty to be had in the kitchen." '^ An' the naygur ? Will I say till her it's yer honor's orthers ?" inquired Peter, earnestly. ^^ Certainly; she'll make no diificulty." ^' Oh, begorra! 'tisn't a traneen I care for that ; but will I give her the fuU ov the bucket, sir ?" it- ^Twill do her no harm," said I, carelessly. With that Peter made his best bow and left my presence. It might have been some fifteen minutes after this that my wife, who was a little unwell that day, came into the sitting-room, saying, ^^ I wish you'd go into the kitchen, George, and see what's the difficulty between that Irish- man and Phillis ) I am afraid they are quarreling." At that moment we heard a crash and a suppressed shrieki I hurried from the room, and soon heard, as I passed through the hall, an increasing clamor in the kitchen beyond. First came the shrill voice of Phillis. ^' You jess lebe me 'lone, now, will yer ? I won't hab nuffin to do wid de stuff, nairaway." PETER MULROONEY AND THE BLACK FILLY. 121 ^^ You Ugly an^ conthrary ould nayger, don't I tell ye 'tis the masther's ordhers f " I heard Peter respond. ^^ Tam't no sech tmg. Go way, you poor white Irish trash ! who ebber heard ob ^spectable colored woman a takin' a bran mash^ I'd like to know.'' The reahty of Peter's ridiculous blunder flashed upon me at once, and the ftm of the thing struck me so irre- sistibly, that I hesitated for a moment to break in upon it. '' Arrah, be aisy, can't ye ? an' be afther takin' it down like a dacent naygur/' I heard Peter say. ^^Go way, you feller," screamed Philhs, ^^or I'll call missis, dat I will." '^ Och, be this an' be that !" says Peter, resolutely, ^^ if 'tis about to frighten the beautiful misthress ye are, and she sick, too, at this same time, I'U. be afther puttin' a shtop to that." Immediately afterwards came a short scuffle, and then a stifled scream. Concluding that it was now time for me to interfere, I moved quickly on, and just as the scuffling gave way to smothered sobs and broken ejaculations, I flung open the door and looked in. The first thing that caught my eye was PhiUis seated in a chair, sputtering and gasping ; while Mulrooney, holding her head under his left arm, was employing his right hand in conveying a tin cup of bran mash from the bucket at his side to her upturned mouth. '' What in the name of all that is good are you doing now, Peter f " said I. "■ Sure, sir, what wud I do but give black Phillis the warm mash, accordin' to yer honor's ordhers ? Augh ! the haythen. Bad cess to her ! 'tis throuble enough I've had to make her rasona.ble and obadient, an' that's no lie — the stupid ould thafe of a nagur." The reader may imagine the finale to so rich a scene ] even my wife, sick as she was, caught the infection, and 122 PHAIDEIG CROHOOEE. laughed heartily. As for Peter, the last I heard of hun that evening was his muttering, as he walked away — '' Ayeh ! why didn't ho tell me ? If they call naygurs filhes, and horses filhes, sure an' how the divii should I know the differ?'' Peter remained in my serAi.ce five years, during which period he treated Philhs with great deference. PHAIDRIG CROHOORE. A Favorite Irish Recitation. Oh ! Phaidr'g Crohoore was the broth of a boy, and he stood six feet eight ; And his arm was as round as another man's thigh — 'tis Phaidrig was great ; And his hair was as black as the shadows of night, And hung over the scars left by many a fight ; And his voice, like the thunder, was deep, strong and loud, And Ills eye hke the hghtnin' from under the cloud. And all the ghls liked him, for he could speak civil And sweet when he chose it, for he was the divil. An' there, wasn't a gh'l, from thirty-five under, Divil a matter how cross, but he could come round her. But of aU the sweet girls that smiled on him, but one Was the girl of his heart, an' he loved her alone. An' warm as the sun, as the rock firm and sm'e "Was the love of the heart of Phaidrig Crohoore ; An' he'd die for one smile from his Kathleen O^Brien, For his love, hke his hatred, was sthrong as a lion. But Michael O'Hanlon loved Kathleen as well As he hated Crohoore, an' that same was hke hell. But O'Brien liked him, for they were the same parties. The O'Briens, O'Hanlons, an' Murphys, and Carthys — An' they all went together an' hated Crohoore, For it's many's the batin' he gave them before : PHAIDRIG CEOHOOEE. 123 An^ O'Hanlon made up to O'Brien, an^ says he — •^ m marry yom* daughter if you^ll give her to me." An^ the match was made up, an' Shrovetide came on, The company assimbled, three hundred if one — There was all the O'Hanlons and Mm-phys and Carthys An' the young boys an' girls av all o' them parties. An' the O'Briens, av coorse, gathered sthrong on that day, An' the pipers and fiddlers were tearin' away ; There was roarin', an' jumpin', an' jiggin/ an' flingin', An' jokin', an' blessin', an' kissin', an' singin'. An' they aU. were a-laughin' — why not, to be sure ? How O'Hanlon came inside of Phaidrig Crohoore ! An' they ail talked and laughed the length of the table, Aitin' an' drinkin' aU while they were able ; An with pipin', an' fiddlin', an' roarin' like thimder. Your head you'd think fairly was splittin asunder. And the priest call'd out — " Silence, ye blackguards, agin !" An' he tuk up his prayer-book^ just goin' to begin. Aud they aU held their tongue from their funnin' and bawHn' ; So silent you'd notice the smallest pin fallin' ; And the priest just beginnin' to read — when the door Sprung back to the wall, and in walked Crohoore. Oh ! Phaidrig Crohoore was the broth of a boy, an' he stood six feet eight, An' his arm was as round as another man's thigh — 'tis Phaidrig was great ! An' he walked slowly up, watched by many a bright eye, As a black cloud moves on through the stars of the sky. An' none strove to stop him, for Phaidrig was great, Tin he stood all alone, just opposite the sate "WTiere O'Hanlon and Kathleen, his beautiful bride, "Were sittin' so illigant out side by side. An' he gave her one look that her heart almost broke, An' he turned to O'Brien, her father, and spoke ; An' his voice, like the thunder, was deep, sthrong an' loud, An' his eyes shone like lightnin' from under the cloud : 124 PHAIDRIG CROHOORE. '' I didn't come here like a tame crawlin' mouse, But I stand like a man in my inimy's house ; In the field, on the road, Phaidrig never knew fear Of his foeman, an^ God knows he scorns it here. So lave me at aise for three minutes or four To spake to the gui I'll never see more." An' to Kathleen he turned, and his voice changed its tone, For he thought of the days when he called her his own. An' his eyes blazed like lightnin' from under the cloud On his false-hearted girl, reproachful and proud. An' says he, ^^ Kathleen bawn, is it thrue what I hear. That you marry of yom* own free choice, without threat or fear ? If so, spake the word, and I'll turn and depart, Chated once, and once only, by woman's false heart." Oh ! sorrow and love made the poor girl dumb. An' she tried hard to spake, but the words wouldn't come ; For the sound of his voice, as he stood there foruint her, TVint could on her heart as the night wind in winther ; An' the tears in her blue eyes stood tremblin' to flow. An' pale was her cheek as the moonshine on snow. Then the heart of bould Phaidrig swelled high in its place, ^ For he knew, by one look in that beautiful face. That the strangers an' foemen their pledged hands might sever, Her true heart was his, and his only, forever ! An' he lifted his voice, like the eagle's hoarse call. An' says Phaidrig, ^' She's mine still, in spite of ye all !" Then up jumped O'Hanlon, an' a tall boy was he. An' he looked on bould Phaidrig as fierce as could be ; An' says he, ^' By the hokey, before ye go out, BouJd Phaidrig Crohoore, you must fight for a bout." Then Phaidrig made answer, " I'll do my endeavor ;" An' with one blow he stretched bould Hanlon forever. In his arms he took Kathleen an' stepped to the door. An' he leaped on his horse, and flung her before ; An' they all were so bothered that not a man stirred. Till the gallonin' hoofs on the pavement was hoard. DERMOT O^DOWD. 125 Then up they all started, like bees in the swami; An' they riz a great shout, like the burst of a storm/ An' they roared, an' they ran, an' they shouted galore ; But Kathleen and Phaidrig they never saw more. But them days are gone by, an' he is now no more. An' the green grass is growin' o'er Phaidrig Crohoore ; For he couldn't be aisy or quiet at all ; As he lived a brave boy, he resolved so to fall. An' he took a good pike— for Phaidrig was great — An' he fought and he died in the year ninety-eight. An' the day that Crohoore iu the green field was killed, A sthrong boy was stretched, an' a sthrong heart was stilled. DERMOT O'DOWD. SAMUEL LOVEK. 'WTien Dermot O'Bowd coorted Molly McCann, They were as sweet as the honey and as soft as the down, But when they were wed they began to find out That Dermot could storm, and that Molly could frown ; They would neither give in — so the neighbors gave out — Both were hot, till a coldness came over the two, And MoUy would flusther, and Dermot would blusther — Stamp holes in the flm-e, and cry out '^ Weirasthru! Oh, murther ! I'm married ! I wish I had tarried ; I'm sleepless and speechless — ^no word can I say ; My bed is no use — I'll give back to the goose The feathers I pluck'd on last Michaelmas Day." ^ Ah," says Molly, ^^ you once used to call me a bird." '^ Faix, you're ready enough stiU to fly out," says he. ' Ton said then my eyes were as bright as the skies. And my lips like the rose — now no longer like me." Says Dermot, ^^ Your eyes are as bright as the mom. But your frown is as black as a big thunder cloud ; If your lip is a rose, faith your tongue is a thorn That sticks in the heart of poor Dermot O'Dowd." Says Molly, ^^ Ton once said my voice was a thrush, 126 PAT^S CRITICISM. But now it's a rusty old hinge with a creak/' Says Dermot, ^^ You called me a duck when I coorted, But now I^m a goose every day in the week ; But all husbands are geese, though our pride it may shock, From the first ^twas ordained so by IN'ature, I fear ; Ould Adam himself was the first of the flock, And Eve, with her apple sauce, cooked him, my dear.^' PAT'S CRITICISM. CHARLES F. ADAMS, There's a story that's old, But good if twice told. Of a doctor of limited skill, "Who cured beast and man On the '' cold water plan,'' 'Without the small help of a pill. On his portal of pine Hung an elegant sign "Depicting a beautiful rill. And a lake, where a sprite, ^ith apparent delight, "Was sporting in sweet dishabille, Pat McCarty one day. As he sauntered that way. Stood and gazed at that portal of pine, THien the doctor with pride Stepped up to his side, Saying: "Pat, how is that for a signf " There's wan thing,'' says Pat, "Te've lift onto' that, "Which, be jabers, is quoite a mistake; It's trim and it's nate. But to make it complate, Ye shud have a foine burd on the lake.'' '^Ah! Indeed! pray then tell. To make it look well, "What bird do you think it may lack f Says Pat, " Of the same I've forgotten the name. But the song that he sings is ' quack !' ' quack I' '' PAT AJ^B THE FOX. 127 PAT AND THE FOX. SAMUEL LOVER. A Humorous Irish Recitation. ^^ Paddy/' said the sqiiire, ^^ perhaps you would favor the gentlemen with that story you told me once about a foxf' ^^ Indeed and I will, plaze yer honor/^ said Paddy, *• though I know flill well the divil a one word iv it you b'heve, nor the gintlemen won't either^ though you're axin' me for it— hut only want to laugh at me, and call me a big har when my back's turned." ^^ Maybe we wouldn't wait for your back being turned, Paddy, to honor you with that title." ^' Oh, indev^d, I'm not sayin' that you wouldn't do it as soon foreninst my face, your honor, as you often did before, and will agin, plaze God, and welkim." '' WeU, Paddy, say no more about that; but let's have the story." •^ Sure I'm losing no time, only teUing the gintlemen be- forehand that it's what they'U be cahiQ' it, a he — and in- deed it's ancommon, sure enough ; but you see, gintlemen, you must remimber that the fox is the cunnin'est baste in the world, barrin' the wran ^" Here Paddy was questioned why he considered the wren as cunning a Mste as the fox. ^^ Why, sir, bekase all the birds build their nest wid one hole to it only, excep'n the wran; but the wran builds two holes to the nest, and so that if any inimy comes to disturb it upon one door it can go out an the other. But the fox is cute to that degree that there's many mortial a fool to him — and, by dad, the fox could buy and seU many a Chris- tian, as you'U soon see by and by, when I tell you what happened to a wood-ranger that I knew wanst, and a dacent man he was, and wouldn't say the thing in a lie. ^^ Well; you see, he came home one night mighty tired-- 128 PAT AND THE FOX. for he was out wid a party in the domain cock-shootin' that day ; and whin he got back to his lodge he threw a few logs o' wood an the fire to make himself comfortable, and he tuk whatever httle matther he had for his supper — and afther that he felt himself so tired that he wint to bed. But you^re to imderstand that, though he wint to bed, it was more for to rest himself like, than to sleep, for it was airly ; and so he jist wint into bed, and there he divartcd himself lookin^ at the fire, that was blazin^ as merry as a bonfire an the hearth. ^^ Well, as he was lyin' that-a-way, jist thinkin^ o' nothin' at all, what should come into the place but a fox. But I must tell you, what I forgot to tell you before, that the ranger^s house was on the bordhers o^ the wood, and he had no one to five wid him but himself, barrin' the dogs that he had the care iv, that was his only companions, and he had a hole cut an the door, with a swingin^ boord to it, that the dogs might go in or out according as it plazed thim ; and, by dad, the fox came in as I told you, through the hole ui the door, as bould as a ram, and walked over to the fire, and sat down foreninst it. ^^ Now it was mighty provokin' that all the dogs was out ; they wor rovin^ about the wood, you see, lookin^ for to catch rabbits to ate, or some other mischief, and so it hap- pened that there wasn't as much as one individual dog in the place ; and, by gor, I'll go bail the fox knew that right well before he put his nose inside the ranger's lodge. ^^ Well, the ranger was in hopes some o' the dogs id come home and ketch the chap, and he was loath to stir hand or fat himself, afeared o' frightenin' away the fox, but by gor, he could hardly keep his timper at all at all, whin he seen the fox take his pipe aff o' the hob where he left it afore he wint to bed^ and puttin' the bowl o' the pipe into the fire to kindle it (it's as thrue as I'm here), he began to smoke foreninst the fire, as nath'ral as any other man you ever seen. ^^^Musha; bad luck to your impidence, you long- tailed PAT A^T> THE FOX. 129 blackguard/ says the ranger, ^and is it smokin^ my pipe yoii are f Oh, thin, by this and by that, iv I had my gmi convaynient to me, it's fire and smoke of another sort, and what you wouldn't bargain for, Pd give you,' says he. But still he was loath to stir, hopin' the dogs id come home ; and ^ By gor, my fine fellow,' says he to the fox, ' if one o' the dogs comes home, saltpethre wouldn't save you, and that's a sthrong pickle.' ^^So with that he watched antil the fox wasn't mindin' him, but was busy shakin' the cindhers out o' the pipe whin he was done md it, and so the ranger thought he was goin' to go immediately afther gettin' an air o' the fire and a shough o' the pipe ; and so, says he, ^ Faix, my lad, I won't let you go so aisy as all that, as cunnin' as you think yourself; ' and with that he made a dart out o' bed, and run over to the door, and got betune it and the fox, ^And novv,' says he, ^ your bread's baked, my buck, and maybe my lord won't have a fine run out o' you, and the dogs at your brish every yard, you morodin' thief, and the divil mind you/ says he, ^ for your impidence — for sure, if you hadn't the impidence of a highwayman's horse it's not into my very house, undher my nose, you'd daar for to come : ' and with that he began to whistle for the dogs ; and the fox, that stood oyein' him all the time while he was spakin', began to think it was time to be joggin' whin ho heard the whistle — and says the fox to himself, ' Troth, indeed, you think yourself a mighty great ranger now/ says he, ^ and you think you're very cute, but upon my tail, and that's a big oath, I'd be long sorry to let such a mallet-headed bog-throtter as yourself take a dirty ad- vantage o' me, and I'll engage,' says the fox, ' I'll make you lave the door soon and suddint,' — and with that he turned to where the ranger's brogues was lyin' hard by be- side the fire, and, what would you think, but the fox tuk up one o' the brogues, and wint over to the fire, and threw it into it. 130 PAT A^TD THE FOX. ^' ' I think thatll make you start/ says the fox. " ^Divil resave the start/ says the ranger — ^ that won^t do, my buck/ says he, ^ the brogue may burn to cmdhers/ sa^yshe, ^but out o^ this I won^t stir^' and thin, puttin^ his fingers into his mouth, he gev a blast iv a whistle you^d hear a mile off, and shouted for the dogs. ^^'So that won^t do,^ says the fox — ^well, I mustthry another offer,' says he, and with that he tuk up the other brogue, and threw it into the fire too. ^^ ^ There, now,' says he, ^ you may keep the other com- pany,' says he ; ^ and there's a pair o' you now, as the divil said to his knee-buckles.' ^^ ^ Oh, you thievin' varment,' says the ranger, ^ you won't lave me a tack to my feet ; but no matter,' says he, ^ your head's worth more nor a pair o' brogues to me any day, and by the Piper of Blessintown, you're money in my pocket this minit,' says he : and with that, the fingers was in his mouth agin, and he was goin' to whistle, whin, what would you think, but up sets the fox an his hunkers, and puts his two forepaws into his mouth, makin' game o' the ranger — (bad luck to the he I tell you.) ^^ Well, the ranger, and no wondher, although in a rage as he was, couldn't help laughin' at the thought o' the fox mockin' him, and, by dad, he tuk sitch a fit o' laughin' that he couldn't whistle — and that was the cuteness o' the fox to gain time ; but whin his first laugh was over, the ranger recovered himself, and gev another whistle ; and so says the fox, 'By my sowl,' says he, 'I think it wouldn't be good for my health to stay here much longer, and I mustn't be triflin' with that blackguard ranger any more,' says he, ' and I must make him sensible that it is time to let me go, and though he hasn't understandin' to be sorry for his brogues, I'll go bail I'll make him lave that,' says he, 'before he'd say 5^ara&?e5'— and with that what do you think the fox done ? By all that's good — and the ranger himself told me out iv his own mouth, and said he would MICKEY FEEE AND THE PRIEST. 131 never have believed it, ownly lie seen it — the fox tuk a lighted piece iv a log out o' the blazin^ fire, and run over wid it to the ranger^s bed, and was goin^ to throw it into the sthraw, and burn him out of house and home ; so when the ranger seen that he gev a shout out iv him — ^^ ^ Hillo ! hillo ! you murtherin^ villain/ says he, ^ you^ro worse nor Captain Eock ; is it goin^ to bum me out you are, you red rogue iv a Eibbonman f and he made a dart betune him and the bed, to save the house from bein' burnt, — ^but, my jew'l, that was all the fox wanted — and as soon as the ranger quitted the hole in the door that he was standin' foreninst, the fox let go the blazin' faggit, and made one jump through the door and escaped. ^^ But before he wint, the ranger gev me his oath that the fox turned round and gev him the most contemptible look he ever got in his life, and showed every tooth in his head with laughin^, and at last he put out his tongue at him, as much as to say — ^ YouVe missed me like your mammy^s blessiny and off wid him, like a flash o' hghtnin^" MICKEY FREE AND THE PRIEST. CHARLES LEVER. A Laughable Irish Recitation. Mickey Free was a devout Cathohc, in the same sense that he was enthusiastic about anything, that is, he be- lieved and obeyed exactly as far as suited his own pecu- liar notions of comfort and happmess; beyond tJiat^i^ skepticism stepped in and saved him from inconvenience, and though he might have been somewhat puzzled to re- duce his faith to a rubric, still it answered his purpose, and that was all he wanted. * * * * * ^^Ah, then, Misther Charles,'^ said he, with a half-sup- pressed yawn at the long period of probation his tongue had been undergoing in silence, '^ ah, then, but ye were mighty near it.'^ 132 MICKEY FREE A^D THE PRIEST. '' Near what V said I. ^^ Faith, then, myself doesn't well know; some say it's pm^gathory; bat it's hard to tell." ^^ I thought you were too good a Catholic, Mickey, to show any doubts on the matter ?" ^^ Maybe I am — maybe I ain't," was the cautious reply. ^^ Wouldn't Father Eoach explain any of your difficul- ties for you, if you went over to him f " ^^ Faix it's httle I'd mind his explainings." *^And why notf ^^ Easy enough. If you ax ould Miles there without, what does he be doing with all the powther and shot, wouldn't he teU you he's shooting the rooks, and the mag- pies, and some other varmint ? but myself knows he sells it to Widow Casey at two and fourpence a pound ; so be- hkes Father Eoach may be shooting away at the poor souls in purgathory, that all this time are enjoying the hoith of foin living in heaven, ye understand." ^' And you think that's the way of it, Mickey ?" ^^ Troth, it's likely. Anyhow, I know it's not the place they make it out." ^' Why, how do you mean ?" ^^ Well, then, I'll tell you, Misther Charles ; but you must not be saving anything about it afther, for I don't like to talk about these kind of things." Having pledged myself to the requisite silence and secrecy, Mickey began : ^^ Maybe you heard teU of the way my father — rest his soul wherever he is — came to his end. WeU, I needn't mind particulars, but, in short, he was murdered in Bal- hnasloe one night, when he was batiu' the whole town with a blackthorn stick he had, more betoken, a piece of a scythe was stack at the end of it; a nate weapon, and one he was mighty partial to ; but these murdering thieves, the cattle dealers, that never cared for diversion of any kiud, fell on him and broke his skuU. MICKEY FREE AND THE PRIEST. 133 1^^ Well, we had a very agreeable wake, and plenty of he best of everything, and to spare, and I thought it was all over ; but somehow, though I paid father Eoach fifteen shillings, and made him mighty drunk, he always gave me a black look wherever I met him, ana when I took off my hat he'd turn away his head displeased like. ^^ ^Murder and ages,^ said I, ^what^s this forf but as Vve a hght heart I bore up, and didn't think more about it. One day, however, I was coming home from Athlone market, by myself on the road, when Father Eoach over- took me. ^ Devil a one o' me ^11 take any notice of you now,' says I, ^ and we'll see what '11 come out of it.' So the priest rid up, and looked me straight in the face. ^^ ^Mickey,' says he^ ^ Mickey.' ^^ ^Father,' says I. ^^ ^Is it that way you salute your clargy,' says he, ^ with your caubeen on your head V '' ^Faix,' says I, ^ it's httle ye mind whether it's an or aff, for you never take the trouble to say by your leave, or divil take ye, or any other pohteness, when we meet.' ^^ ^You're an ungrateful creature,' says he, ^ and if you only knew, you'd be trembling in your skin before me this minute.' ^^ ' Devil a tremble,' says I, ^ after walking six miles this way.' ^^ ^You're an obstinate, hard-hearted sinner,' says he, ' and it's no use in telling you.' ^^ ^Telling me what!' says I, for I was getting curious to make out what he meant. ^^ ^Mickey,' says he, changing his voice, and putting his head down close to me, ' Mickey, I saw your father last night.' ^^ ^The saints be merciful to us,' said I, ^ did ye f ^^ a did,' said he. ^^ ^Tear-an-ages,' says I, ^ did he tell you what he did with the new corduroys he bought in the fair f 134 MICKEY FREE AND THE PRIEST. '^ ^ Oh, then, you are a eould-hearted creature,' says he, ^ and I'll not lose time with you.' With that he was going to ride away, when I took hold of the bridle. '' ^Father, darhng,' says I, ^ God pardon me, but them breeches is goin' between me an' my night's rest ; but teU me about my father.' '' ^Oh, then, he's in a melancholy state.' '^ ^Whereabouts is hef says I. ^^*In purgathory,' says he; ^but he won't be there long.' ^' 'Well,' says I, Hhat's a comfort anyhow.' '^ 'I am glad you think so,' says he; 'but there's more of the other opinion.' '' 'What's ^/^a^f says I. " ' That hell's worse.' " 'Oh! meila-murther,' says I, 'is that it!' '"Ay, that's it.' " WeU, I was so terrified and frightened I said nothing for some time, but trotted along beside the priest's horse. " 'Father,' says I, 'how long will it be before they send him where you know f " ' It wiU not be long now,' says he, ' for they're tired entirely with him ; they've no peace night nor day,' says he. ' Mickey, your father is a mighty hard man.' " ' True for you, Father Eoach,' says I to myself. ' If he had only the ould stick with the scythe in it, I wish them joy of his company.' " 'Mickey,' says he, 'I see you're grieved, and I don't wonder ; sure, it's a great disgrace to a decent family.' " 'Troth it is,' says I, ' but my father always liked low company. Could nothing be done for him now. Father Koach V says I, looking up in the priest's face. "'I'm greatly afraid, Mickey; he was a bad man, a very bad man.' " 'And ye think he'll go there V says I. " 'Indeed, Mickey, I have my fears.' MICKEY FUEE AET> THE PRIEST. 135 ^^ ^Upon my conscience/ says I, ^I believe you^re right; ^ he was always a restless crayture.^ ^^ ^But it doesn^t depind on him/ says the priest; crossly. ^^ ^ And then; who then f says I. ^^ ^Upon yourself; Mickey FreC;' says he ; ^ God pardon you for it too.^ ^^^Uponme?^ says I. ^^ ^ Troth no lesS;' says he; ^ how many masses was said for your father^s soul? — how many aves? — ^how many paters ? — answer me.^ ^^ ^ Devil a one of me knows ! — ^mayhe twenty.^ ^^ ^Twenty; twenty — no, nor one.^ ^^^And why not?' says I; ^ what for wouldn^t you be helping a poor crayture out of trouble; when it wouldn't cost you more nor a handful of prayers V " ^Mickey; I seC;' says he in a solemn tonC; ^ you're worse nor a haythen ; but ye couldn't be other — ye never come to yer duties.' ^^^Well; Father;' says I, looking very penitent; 'how many masses would get him out V '^ 'Now you talk hke a sensible man/ says he; 'noW; Mickey, I've hopes for you — let me see ' — here he went countin' up his fingerS; and numberin' to himself for five minutes — ' Mickey;' says he, ' I've a batch coming out on Tuesday week, and if you were to make great exertions perhaps your father could come with them ; that is av they made no objections.' '' 'And what for would they?' says I ; ' he was always the hoith of company, and av singing's allowed in them parts — ' "'God forgive yoU; Mickey; but yer in a benighted state,' says hC; sighing. " 'Well;' says I; 'how'll we get him out on Tuesday week ? for that's bringing things to a focus.' " Two masses in the mornin'; fastin';' says Father Roach; half loud; ' is two, and two in the afternoon is four, 136 MICKEY FREE AND THE PEIEST. and two at vespers is six/ says he ; ^ six masses a day for nine days is close by sixty masses — say sixty/ says lie, ^ and they'll ecst you — ^mind, Micliey, and don't be telling it again — for it's only to yourself I'd make them so cheap — a matter of three pounds.' ^^ ^ Three pounds/ says I^ ^ be-gorra ye might as well ax me to give you the rock of Cashel.' ^^^I'm sorry for ye, Mickey/ says he, gatherin' up the reins to ride off, ' I'm sorry for you ; and the day will come when the neglect of your poor father will be a sore stroke agin yourself.' ^^^Wait a bit, your reverence/ says I, ^wait a bit; would forty shillings get him out f ^^ ^ Av coorse it wouldn't/ says he. ^^ 'Maybe/ says I, coaxing, 'maybe, av you say that his son was a poor boy that lived by his industhry, and the times was bad f ' '' 'Not the least use,' says he. '"Arrah, but it^s hard-hearted they are/ thinks I; ' wen, see now, I'll give you the money — but I can't afford it all at on'st — but I'll pay you five shillings a week — will that do V " 'I'll do my endayvors,' says Father Roach ; ' and I'll speak to them to trate him peaceably in the meantime.' " Long life to your reverence, and do. Well, here now, here's five hogs to begin with ; and, musha, but I never thought I'd be spending my loose change that-a-way.' " Father Eoach put the six ttnpinnies in the pocket of his black leather breeches, said something in Latin, bid me good-morning, and rode off. ^' Well^ to make my story short, I worked late and early to pay the five shillings a week, and I did do it for three weeks regular ; then I brought four and fourpence — then it came down to one and tenpence — then ninepence — and, at last, I had nothing at all to bring. " ^ Mickey Free/ says the priest, ' ye must stir yourself— MICKEY FREE AXD THE PRIEST. 137 youi* father is mighty displeased at the way you've been doing of late ; and av ye kept yer word, he'd been near out by this time.' '' ' Troth/ says I, ' it's a very expensive place.' ^^ ^ By coorse it is/ says he, ^ sui'e all the quality of the land's there. But, Mickey, my man, with a httle exertion your father's business is done. What are you jinglin' in your pocket there ? ' '' ^ It's ten shillings, your reverence, I have to buy seed potatoes.' ^' ' Hand it here, my son. Isn't it better your father be enjoying himself in Paradise, than ye were to have all the potatoes in Ireland V ^^ ' And how do you know,' says I, ^ he's so near out V ^' ' How do I know — how do I know — is it ? didn't I see hun?' ''■ ^ See him! tear-an-ages, was you down there again!' says I. ^^ ^ I was,' says he, ^I was down there for three-quarters of an hour yesterday evening, getting out Luke Kennedy's mother — decent people the Kennedys — ^never spared ex- pense.' ^^ ^ And ye seen my father f says I. ^^ ^ I did,' says he ; ^ he had an ould flannel waistcoat on, and a pipe sticking out of the pocket av it.' ^^ ^ That's him,' said I ; ^ had he a hairy cap V '^ ^ I didn't mind the cap,' says he, ^ but av coorse he wouldn't have it on his head in that place.' ^^ ^ There's for you,' says I } ^ did he speak to you?' ^^^He did,' says Father Eoach; ^he spoke very hard about the way he was treated down there, that they were always jibin' and jeerin' him about drinkj and fightin', and the courses he led up here, and that it was a queer thing, for the matter of ten shillings, he was to be kept there so long.' " ^ WeU,' says I, taking out the ten shillings and count- 138 BIBDY^S TROUBLES. ing it with one hand, ^ we must do our best, anyhow — and ye think this will get him out surely V ^^ ^ I know it will/ says he ; ^ for when Luke^s mother was leaving the place, yer father saw the door open ; he made a rush at it, and be-gorra, before it was shut he got his head and one shoulder outside av it^ so that ye see a trifle more ^ill do it.' ^^^Faix, and yer reverence/ says I, ^you've lightened my heart this morning/ and I put the money back again into my pocket. ii ' Why, what do you mean V says he, growing very red, for he was angry. '^ ^ Just this,' says I, ^that Pve saved my money; for av Tt was my father you seen, and that he got his head and one shoulder outside the door, oh, then, by the pow- ers,' says I, ^ the devil a jail or jailer from hell to Connaught id hold him ; so. Father lloach, I wish you the top of the morning,' and I went away laughing ; and from that a? ' to this I never heard more of purgathory; and ye see, Misther Charles, I think I was right." BIDDY'S TROUBLES. ''It's thru for me, Katy, that I never seed the like of this people afore. It's a sorry time I've been having since coming to this house, twelve months agone this week Thursday. Yer know, honey, that my fourth coosin, Ann Macarthy, recommended me to Mrs, Whaler, and told the lady that I knew about genteel housework and the likes ; while at the same time I had niver seed inter an American lady's kitchen. So she engaged me, and my heart was jist ready to burst wid grief for the story that Ann had told, for Mrs. Whaler was a swate-spoken lady, and never looked cross-like in her life ; that I knew by her smooth, kind face. Well, jist the first thing she told me to do, BIBDY^S TROUBLES. 139 after I dressed the children, was to dress the ducks for dinner. I stood looking at the lady for a couple of min- utes^ before I could make out any meaning at all to her words. Thin I went searching after clothes lor the ducks; and such a time as I had, to be sure. High and low I went, till at last my mistress axed me for what I was look- ing ; and I told her the clothes for the ducks, to be sure. Och, how she scramed and laughed, till my face was as rid as the sun wid shame, and she showed me in her kind swate way what her meaning was. Thin she told me how to air the beds ; and it was a day for me, indade, when I could go up chamber alone and clare up the rooms. One day Mrs. Whaler said to me : ^^ ^ Biddy, an^ ye may give the baby an airin^, if yees will.' '^ What should I do — and it's thru what I am saying this blessed minute — but go up -stairs wid the child, and shake 1^ and then howld it out of the winder. Such a scraming and kicking as the baby gave— but I hild on the harder. Everybody thin in the strate looked up at me ; at last mis- thress came up to see what for was so much noise. ^^ ^I am thrying to air the baby,' I said, ^but it kicks and scrames dridfally.' ' ^^ There was company down below; and when Mrs. Whaler told them what I had been after doing, I thought they would scare the folks in the strate wid scraming. ^^ And then I was told I must dO' up Mr. Whaler's sharts one day when my mistress was out shopping. She told me repea;feedly to do them up nice, for master was going away, so I takes the sharts and did them all up in some paper that I was after bringing from the ould country wid me, and tied some nice pink ribbon around the bundle. ^^^ Where are the sharts, Biddy f axed Mrs. Whaler, when she comed home. ^^ ^I have been doing them up in a quair nice way,' I said, bringing her the bundle. 140 LOVE IN THE KITCHEN. ^^ ^ Will you iver be done wid your graneness V she axed me with a loud scrame. ^^ I can't for the life of me be tellin' what their talkin' manes. At home we caU the hkes of this fine work starch- ing; and a deal of it I have dpne, too. Och ! and may the blessed Vargin pity me, for I never'll be cured of my grane- ness !" LOVE IN THE KITCHEN. PKLKG ARKWRIGHT. '' Now, Mr. Malone, whin yer spakin' like that, It is aisy to see — Arrah, git out o' that ! Whin discoorsin' wid ladies politeness should tache That ye're not to use hands, sir, instid ov yer spaehe. Should the missus come down, sir, how would I appear "Wid me hair aU bewildhered f " Oh, Kitty, me dear, Yer pardon I ax, but yer mouth is so sweet. It's a betther acquaintance Vm seekuf wid it; An' I love you so fondly — begorra, it's thrue ! That I'm ahyays unaisy unless I'm wid you, An' thin I'm unaisy as bad as before, An' there's nothin'U aise me at all any more, Until yer betrothal I've got, and bedad, I'U not let ye go till yer promise I've had." '^ It is just hke yer impidence, Mr. Malone !" '^ Te can't caU it impidint, Kitty, ohone, Fur a man to be lovin' the likes of yerself : An' ye might marry worse, if I say it meself. Fur me heart is yer own an' me wages is good. An' I know of a brick cabin built out ov wood, To be had fur the askin' of Dennis McCue ; Fm* he's goin' to lave it, and thin it'll do, Wid some fixin' an' mendin' to keep out the air, An' a bit ov a boord to patch up here an' there. An' a thrifle ov mud to discourage the cracks — An' we'll make up in lovin' whatever it lacks ; LOYE E^ THE KITCHEl^. 141 An' it's built on a rock, with a mighty fine view Ov the counthiy surroundin' that same avinew ; An' to be quite ginteel an extinsion we'U rig, Convaynient for keepin' an illegant pig ; An' thin we'll both prosper as nate as ye plaze, An' ye'U see me an' aldherman some o' those days ; And the childher will grow up with schoolin' an' sich, An' in politics thin they'll be sure to get rich — Oh, this is the land fur improvin' the race ! So, Kitty, mavourneen, turn round yer dear face, An' give us one kiss the betrothal to own." ' The divil a bit ov it, Teddy Malone ! D'ye think I'd be lavin' a house ov brown stone Fm- the tumble-down shanty yer talkin' about, While I live like a lady, wid two evenin's out. An' a wardrobe I flatter meself is complete ? Sm*e ye couldn't tell missus from me on the sthreet. An' at home it's the same, fui* she's fond of her aise, An' ye couldn't say which ov us bosses the place ; An' it's like yer asshm*ance to ask me to lave. An' be the same token — ^now will ye behave ? Let go ov me hand, sir !" " But, Kitty, me dear, Te can't be intindin' to always live here, Wid niver a husband, but mopin' alone, An' niver a baby — " '' Whisht, Mr. Malone ! Yer very onmannerly." ^* Divil a wan ! It's only the truth that I'm teliin', indade. That yer niver intindin' to die an' old maid." ■ It's right ye are, Teddy, how could ye know this?" ' Well, thin, will it plaze ye to give me the kiss ?" ■ Get out wid yer blarney ! shure how can I tell But there might be another would suit me as weU f ' ' Arrah, Kitty, me darlin', don't say that agin, If ve wouldn't be killin' the thruest of min 142 DICK MACNAMARA^S MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURES. But if there's another ye like more than me, Then it's faithless ye are an' its goin' I'll be, An' I'll die broken-hearted fur lack ov the joy That I thought to be gainin'." '' Why, Teddy, me boy, Is it dyin' ynr talMn' ov ? What would I do — An onmarried widda in moumin' fur you ? An' ye wanted a kiss, sir ? Well, there, if you must — Oh, mm'dher, the man is devourin' me just ! Is it atin' me up ye'd be afther belike ? Well, it's not so onplaizin', ye may if ye like ; An' if any one's askin' about ye I'll own That a broth of a boy is me Teddy Malone." THE MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURES OF DICK MACNAMARA. W. H. MAXWELL. Adapted from "Hector O'Halloran." It was the summer after the great election — and that was in the year ninety-one — an^ a fine evening it was. At that time care was far from my heart, and I was taking a dance in the barn with Mary Eegan, my lady's maid, when out comes Sh Thomas's own man to say that I was wanted in the parlor. ^^ Run, bad luck to ye," says he, ^^ and I'll fin- ish the jig for ye ! Arrah, make haste, man ! Some etar- nal vlllin has shpt a paper under the gate, and the ould master's fit to be tied. I never saw him so mad since he was chased home fi^om Galway.'^ Away I goes, and when I got into the parlor, there I found Sir Thomas, God rest his soul ! Father Pat Butler, the parish priest, and the dri- ver, Izzy Blake. Sir Thomas was sittin' in the big armed chair he always sate in. He wasn't to say much the worse for licker ] but it was aisy to persave that he had been lookin' at some- body that was drinkin^ The priest, och ! what a head he had ! was cool as a cowcumber, and only Izzy's nose was DICK MACKAMARA^S MATRIMONIAL ADYEKTURES. 143 a deeper purple than when he sate down, you wouldn^t know he had a drop m. It was quite plam the party were m trouble ; for, to smother grief, the ould master had slipped a second glass of poteen into his tumbler just as I came in. ^^ Aisy, Sir Thomas ! — drink aisy V^ said the priest. ^^ The whisky^s kiUin' ye by inches !" ^^ Arrah, balderdash ! Pat Butler, won^t you let me take the color of death off the water, man, and me threatened with the gout ? It's the law that's fairly murderin' me. Bad luck attend aU consarned with the same ! At the blast of the mail horn my heart bates like a bird ; for within the last two years I have got as many lattitats by post as would paper the drawin'-room. Shemus Ehua/' says he, turning to me, ^^ did ye see a black-lookin' thief about the place when ye were hunting the young setters on the moor f ^^ Arrah, Sir Thomas, if I did, don't you think I would have been after askin' him what he was doin' there f^ ^^ SibbyByrn saw him thrust these murthering papers under the gate, and then cut over the bog as if the divil was at his heels. WeU, small blame to him for runnin' — for, by aU that's beautiful, if I had gripped him, he would have gone back to the villain that employs him, hghter by both lugs. Sit down, Shemus. Izzy Blake, fill the boy a glass." And then he began, poor ould gentleman, askin' me about the dogs ; but before I could answer him he gave a sigh. ^^ Arrah," says he, ^^ what need I be talkin' about dogs, when, after November next, the divil a four-footed baste will be left upon KilLcrogher, good nor bad !" ^^ Something must be done immediately," said the priest. ^^ If they foreclose the mortgage and get a resaver on the estate, we're done for." ^^ K we could only raise -Qyq thousand to pay that cursed claim, we might stave off the other things till some good luck would turn up," said the driver. Sir Thomas sighed. Troth, an enemy would have pitied him ! 144 DICK MACNAMAEA^S MATEIMONIAL ADYEls^TUEiES. ^^ Arrali/^ says I, ^^hould up, Sir Thomas — who knowg but Ave'll get to the sunny side of the hedge yet ? There^s Master Dick — and if he would only many an heiress — '' ^* Bedad," says the ould gentleman, '^ Father Pat, there^a sense in that.^' The priest shook his head. ^^ And why shouldn't he f^ says Sir Thomas. '^Because," returned the priest, ^Hie's never out of one scrape till he's into another. And then he's so captious, if he was in heaven — where the Lord send him in proper time, if possible ! — why, he would pick a quarrel with St. Peter.'' ^^ It's all a flow of spirits," says the ould man. ^^Ifs aflmv of spirits that causes it generally," says the priest; ^'but it's all your own fault. Sir Thomas, and I often tould ye so. Instead of lettin' him stick to his la]"nin', ye would have him brought up yom^ own way, ridin' three times a week to the Clonsallagh hounds, and shooting at chalked men on the barn door through the remainder." ^' Arrah, be quiet," says the ould gentleman. ^^ Though he's my son — at least I ha^^e his mother's word for it — is there a nater horseman v/illun the Shannon'? Put Dick Macnamara on the pig- skin with anything dacent anunder him, and I'll back him over a sportin' country for all I'm worth in the world." ^^ Ay," said the priest, in a side-whisper ; ^^ and if ye lost, the divil a much the winner would be the better." ^^ He's six feet in his stockings — sound as a bell — he'U throw any man of his inches in the j)rovince, and dance ili^ pater-o-pee afterwards." ^' Arrah," says the priest, ^^ if there's no way of payin' the mortgage but by dancin' the pater-o-pee, out we bun- dle in November." '^ And why shouldn't he marry an heiress f says the ould man. '^ First," says Father Butler, -^ because he has no luck ; DICK MACXAMAEA^S MATRIMOIiflAL ADYE:N'TUIIES. 145 and second, because he has no larnin^ Wasn't I returnm^ from a sick-call only yesterday, and as God's goodness would have it, didn't I meet my Lady French's messenger with a note ? — ^ Who's that from f says I. ' Mr. Dick Macnamara,' says he. Well, I had a misdoubtin' about it, and so I opens the note — and — Mona'Sin-dkiaoul! — Lord forgive me for sayin' so ! — if he hadn't spelt ' compli- ments' with a K !" ^^ And if he spelt it with two K's," says the ould gentle- man, ^^ will that hinder him marryin' a woman if she wants a husband ? I tell ye what, there's more sense in what Shemus Rhua says than any of ye seems to know. Wasn't the family as badly off when my grandfather — God rest his soul ! — ran away with Miss Kelly ?" ^^ And where will you get a Miss Kelly nowadays ? It's not out of every bush you'll kick a lady, lame of a leg, and twenty thousand down upon the nail !" ^^ What was she the worse for that ?" says Sir Thomas. ^' Don't ye mind what my grandfather said to Lord Castle- town the week after. ^ Didn't I,' says my grandfather, ' manage the matter weU, my lord V ^ Ye did in troth, Ulic — and ye made a grate hit of it, if ye'r amiable lady was only right upon the pins.' ^ WeU, my lord,' says he — ^ what the divil matter if she is a wee bit lame ? Does your lordship suppose that men marry wives to run races with them f" Well, there's no use makin' a long story about it. At Killcrogher things couldn't be worse than they were ; and when we had finished a second bottle of poteen, we aU agreed that the divil a chance, good, bad or indifferent, was left but for Dick Macnamara to marry a wife with a fortune— and with or without a spavin— just as the Lord would direct it. This was all mighty well, but where was the lady to be found ? Of heiresses there was no scarcity in Galway, if their own story was but true ; but then their fortunes 146 DICK MACKAMAEA^S MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURES. were so well secured, that natlier principal nor interest could be got at. '^England^s the place/' says the ould master. ^^Dick would get twenty thousand for the askin^" ^^ And how is he to go there f' says the priest. ^^ He must travel hke a gentleman, or they wouldn't touch him with a tent-pole— and whereas the money for that V^ ^' Let Izzy drive the tenants." ^^ Arrah, Sir Thomas ! it^s aisy talkin- — the divil a pound I could drive out of them to save your hfe. Mona-sin- dhiaoul ! ye might as well expect blood from a turnip, or to borrow knee-buckles off a Hielanman." Well, we were fairly nonplushed for a time, but we got matters right afterwards. The ould ladies, the master^s sisters, had a trifle by them, if anybody could manage to get at it. Wellj the priest put it to them, for the glory of God, and Sir Thomas for the honor of the family. They came down at last, and, between them, for a hundred. Sir Thomas lent us his own pistols, and Izzy Blake passed his word in Galway for the clothes. On the strength of Izzy we taught book-keeping to a tailor. His name, I mind, was Jerry Eiley — and I fancy we're in his ledger to this day. I'll never forget the mornin^ we started. We set out at six o'clock, as we had to ride to Moylough to catch the Tuam mail. Every soul in Killcrogher was astir, and waitin^ at door or windy to see us off-— some givin' their blessin^, and others their good advice. ^^ Mind yer eye, Dick !'' said the ould gentleman from the parlor. '' Don't take anything but what^s ready," cried the priest from the hall door. ^^ Remember, you're of the Coolavins by the mothers side," called my lady from her bedroom ; ^^ so look to blood as weU as suet, Dick.'^ ''' The money — the money," cried the priest. DICK MACNAMARA^S MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURES. 147 ^^ Dick, dear, ye^re on book- oath to me !'' whispered Mary Eegan, as we passed her. ^^ Don^t be quarreling about trifles/^ said the priest. ^^Nor let anybody tramp upon your corn, for all that," cried Sir Thomas. '^ The money — the money, Dick — and that's the last words of yer clargy," roared the priest. ^^ Don't miss mass, if you can," screamed the ould ladies from the lobby. ^^ Nor the money !" and father Butler signed his blessing after us as we rode away. '^ Stop ! stop !" roared the ould master. ^' Another word, and God keep ye, Dick ! Always fight with ye'r back to the sun. Drink slow — don't mix ye'r hcker , nor sit with ye'r back to the fire — and the divil won't put ye under the table !" These were the last words we heard — the gatekeeper's wife flung an ould shoe after us for luck — and away we went to make our fortune. When we reached Moylough, the coach was standin' be- fore the door of the hotel, for the passengers had gone in to breakfast, and by the time we had take'n the dust out of our throats with a thYow at the counter, the company had come out again. Two or three of them roofed it hke myself, and one lady, with blue feathers and a yaha pehsse, stepped inside. She was a clipper ! and there was enough of her into the bargain. As Master Dick traveled like a raal gentlema'n, of coorse he hopped in too. Well, when we stopped to change horses, Dick and the lady were thick as uikle-wavers. ^^Shemus," says he, ^' bring out a glass of sherry, and a drop of water in the bottom of a tumbler, with a sketch of sperits through it." They drank genteelly to each other, and away we rowled agatti. Indeed, at every stop the same order was repeated. The lady was comin' from the say, and that made her dry, I Buppose, and from the time he was a boy, Dick Macna- mara had an unquenchable thirst upon him. 148 DICK m:ac:n^amaiia^s matrimonial adventures. We reached Athlone in the evening, and stopped at the Eed Lion. Dick handed out the lady with the yalla pe- hsse, and ye would have thought they would have shaken each other^s hands off. Well, a maid-sarvant took her bandbox — Dick gave her the arm — away they flourished together — and I stayed at the inn door to see the luggage safe off the coach. Before long the young master retiurned. ^^ Shemus/' says he, shuttin^ the door behind him, ^^isn^t Miss Callaghan a spanker f ^ ''' Ton my soul, she's a chver girl, with fine action," says I. ^^ Bad luck to ye!" said he, '^ ye talk of her as ye would of a horse. But, Shemus, I thought as we were all alone, I would try if I could put my comether over her by the way of practice. Och ! if she was only an heiress ! When I kissed her at partin' in the hall, she tould me she could follow me over the world." Well, afther we had supper, Master Dick sends for me to come np-stairs ; and as it was too soon to go to bed, down we sate over a hot tumbler to settle what was to be done when we got to London. Ye see, we knew that in En- gland there were heiresses galore — but the thing was, how the divil were we to find them "? Well, after we had been talkin^ half an hour, in comes the waiter. '^Is there one Mister Macnamara here?" says he. ^^ That's me," Dick answers. ^^ Mister Callaghan's after askin^ for ye," says he. ^^ Parade him," says Dick. So in steps an ould gentleman, clane shaved enough, but about the clothes he had rather a shuck appearance. ]3e bows, and Dick bows — and down sits the ould gentle- man, an^ draws over a tumbler. ^^ Ye had a pleasant journey of it. Mister Macnamara," says he, commencing the conversation. ^^My daughter DICK MACNAMAEA'S MATRIMOKLAL ADYEl^TURES. 149 says that ye^re the best of company. In troth she speaks large of ye.^' With that they drinks one another^s health — an^ from one thing they comes on to another. I had pulled my chair away to the corner, ye see, but Dick winked to me as much as to say, ^^ Shemus, stay where ye are." ^^An^ so you^re goin' to better yourself with a wife?" says the ould fellow. ^' There^s no denyin^ it," says Dick. ^^Well, 'pon my conscience, it's the best thing ivir a young man did, for it keeps him out of harm's way. An' are ye for soon changin' ye'r state?" ^^ Divil a use tellin' hes among friends," says Dick. "' The sooner the better." ^^ Faith — an' it has come rather sudden upon Sophy," says Mister Callaghan. ^^But God's will be done! Her brother will be home in an hour. I wish there was only time to send for her mother to Roscrea." ^' What's wanted with her mother f " says Dick. ^^Nothin' partikler," says Mr. Callaghan, '^ only the ould lady would hke to see her httle girl married." ^' An' when is she to be married ?" inquired Dick. "' Why, as there seems to be a hurry," rephes the ould fellow, '' it may as well be done ' out of the face.' " *^ An' if it wouldn't be an impertinent question," says Dick, '^ arrah ! who's to be the happy man f' '^ An' are ye jokin'f says ould Callaghan. ^^ Arrah, who should it be but yourself I" ^^ Myself I" says Dick. ^^ Shemus," says he — ^' the divil an appearance of licker's on the ould man ; what does he mane at all f ^^Of coorse," says I, ^^that ye're goin' to marry his daughter." ^^ Exactly," cried ould Callaghan. *' If she's not married till she marries me, she'U be single for a month of Sundays," says Dick. 150 DICK MACNAMAHA'S MATRIMONIAL ADVENTITRES. Up jumps tlie ould fellow in a rage— and up jumps Dick Macnamara— and then such fendin' and provin' and such racketing through the room— till out rushed Mister Calla- ghan, swarin^ he would he revenged hefore he slept. When he slammed to the door, I turns round to Dick, to ask what it was all about. ^^ Arrah, the divil have them that knows," says he ; ^^ I just coorted a httle hit with the girl as we were alone in the coach, by the way of bringin^ my han' in before we got to England." ^^ Be my soul," says I, ^^ yeVe made a nate kettle of fish of it !— Arrah, Dick, avourneeine — aren't ye in the centre of a hobble— coortin^s one thing, and marryin^s another. Wouldn^t the priest be proud of ye to go back with Miss Calkxghan under yer arm? — and with about as much money as would pay tm-npike for a walking stick." Feaks, things looked but quare the more we considered them ; so we thought we would order a chaise, push on to Moate, and lave Sophy Cahaghan to her own amiable lamily, as she was too valuable for us. But, as matters turned up, we wer^n^t allowed to set off as aisy as we in- tended. Before the clfaise could come round, we heard feet upon the stairs, and the door opens, and in comes five as loose lookhi^ lads as ye would meet in a day^s walk. They were all fresh as if they had been hard at the drink- in^ — and they were bent on mischief — for the second fellow had a twist in the eye, and a pistol-case under his arm. *^ Mister Macnamara," says the first, ^^my name^s Calla- ghan. There^s no use for any rigmarole, as the light^s goin' fast, so I just stepped in to ask you consarnin' your intentions towards my sister Sophy." ^^The divil an intention have I, good or bad, about ye^r sister Sophy," replied Dick, as stifl' as a churchwarden. ^' Then ye can be at no loss to guess the consequence f' ^' Feaks, an^ I am," says Dick; '^ as I'm no conjurer." DICK mac:n^amara's matrimonial advei^ttitres. 151 "• If ye don't marry her within an hour/' says he^ ^^ Til be after sayin' something disagreeable.'^ '^ru not keep ye in suspense half the time/' rephed Dick. ^^ Then ye'll marry her ?'' says he. ^^ You were nivir more astray/' rephed Dick, '' since ye were born." ^' Then I'U trouble ye for satisfaction," says he. ^^ With aU my heart," says Dick. ^^ What time in the mornin'," said the other, ^^ would fit ye'r convanience ?" ^' We're tather in a hurry," says Dick, pointin' to the post-chay that had come round, and on which the hostler was tyin' the traps ) ^^ to-night would be a great accommo- dation, if it was the same to you.'* '* Ye can't do better," says one of the others, ^^ than step up to the ball-room. There's good hght still, and the room's long enough,'^ Be gogstay ! Dlc.k Macnamara closed with the offer hke a man. I was sent for the pistols, and the gentlemen called for a bottle of sherry. You see, in case of accident, it would come well before a jury that they drank each other's healths, and fought in perfect friendship, for that would benefit the survivor. They slipped into the baU-room, and everybody thought the thing was settled, they were so quiet and civil with each other as they went up-stahs. The pistols were charged — ^^ An' now," says Callaghan, ^^for the last time, I ask ye, will ye have m*y sister Sophy f " ^^ Arrah, don't lose the hght in talkin' — ye have my an- swer already," says Dick Macnamara. WeU, they were placed in the corners of the room, and a man with a red nose asked ^^ if they were ready !'^ both said ^^ Yes !" ^* Fire !'^ says he. Slap off went both pis- tols like the clapping of a hand,, and do^n dropped Mr. Callaghan vrith a baU clane into his calf. WeU, everybody 152 TEDDY O^TOOLE^S SIX BULLS. ran to lift him, when suddenly the cry of murder was raised from the other end of the room, and out dashed a man in a shirt and scarlet night-cap, and a fat woman close at his heels, just as they had tumbled out of bed. ^^ Oh, Holy Moses !" says he. ^^ Save om^ lives ! Mur- der ! Murder !" '^ What^s wrong with ye, honest man?^^ says I. ^^ Give us time for repentince !^' says she, droppin^ on her knees. '^ We^re dalers in soft goods, and obliged to tell lies in the way of bisnis." '^ For shame," says I, ^^ for a dacent young woman to come before company in that way ! Arrah, put the petti- coat on ye at least." Troth, it was no wonder the cratures were scared. Ye see, there was a closet off the ball-room, divided with a wooden partition ; and as the house was full, and the travelers tired, they stuck them into it for the night. Divil a one of us, in the hurry, thought of lookin' in ; and when the man woke with the noise, and sate up to listen what the matter was, the fellow with the red nose cried ^^ Fire !'^ and Callaghan's ball pops through the partition, and whips the tassel off the daler^s night- cap. Well, for fear of any fresh shindy, I got the luggage tied upon the shay. Dick shook hands with Callaghan, and sent his compliments to his sister Sophy, and away we drove to Moate ; and the next evening got safe to Dublin. TEDDY O'TOOLE'S SIX BULLS. A merry evening party in an English country town were bantering poor Teddy O^Toole, the Irishman, about his countrymen being so famous for bulls. *^By my faith," said Teddy, ^^you needn't talk about that same in this place ; you're as fond of bulls as any people in all the world, so you are." TEDDY O'TOOLE'S SIX BULLS. 153 ^' Nonsense !" some of the party replied ] '' how do yon make that ont ?" ^' Why, sure, it's very aisy, it is ; for in this paltry bit of a town you've got more pubhc houses nor I ever seen wid the sign of the bull over the doors, so you have,'^ said Teddy. ^^Nay, Teddy, very few of those; but there's some of 'em, you know, in every town." ^^ Yes,'' said Teddy, obstinately sticking to his text, for he had laid a trap for his friends, ^' but you've more nor your share, barring that you're so fond of bulls, as I say ; I'm sure I can count half a dozen of 'em." '' Pooh, nonsense !" cried the party ; '^ that will never do : what'll you bet on that, Teddy ? You're out there, my boy, depend upon it; we know the town as well as you, and what wiH you bet !" '' Indeed, my brave boys, I'll not bet at all ; I'm no bet- ter, I assure ye — I should be worse if I wur." This sally tickled his companions, and he proceeded. '^ But I'H be bound to name and count the six." ^^ Well, do, do," said several voices. ^^Now, let me see ; there's the Black BuU.'^ ^^ Yes, that's one." '' Then, there's the Eed BuU." " That's two." ^' And the White Bull." ^^ Come, that's three." ^^ And the Pied Bull." ^^ So there is ; you'U not go much further." ^^ And then there's — there's — there's the Grolden Bull, in what's it street f ^^WeU done, Teddy; that's five sure enough, but you're short yet." " Aye," said the little letter carrier, who sat smirking in the corner, '^ and he win be short, for there isn't one more, I know." 154 CONNOR. ^^ And then, remember/^ continued Teddy, carefully pur- suing his enumeration, " tliere^s the Dun cow." At this a burst of laughter fairly shook the room, and busy hands kept the tables and glasses rattling amidst boisterous cries of: ^^ A buU ! a bull V' Looking serious at all around, Teddy deliberately asked — '' Do you call that a bull V '-To be sure it's a bull,'' exclaimed several voices at once. '' Then," said Teddy, '' that's the sixth." Here an unavoidable defeat in the direct was converted into a victory in the antipodean, by the cleverly obtained admission of the vanquished party themselves. CONNOR. " To the memory of Patrick Connor ; this simple stone was erected by his fellow-workmen." Those words you may read any day upon a white slab in a cemetery not many miles from New York ] but you might read them a hundred times without guessing at the httle tragedy they indicate, without knowing the humble romance which ended with the placing of that stone above the dust of one poor, humble man. In his shabby frieze jacket and mud-laden brogans, he was scarcely an attractive object as he walked into Mr. Bawne's great tin and hardware shop one day and pre- sented himself at the counter with an — ^' I've been tould ye advertised for hands, yer honor." '^ Fully supplied, my man," said Mr. Bawne, not lifting his head from his account book. ^^ I'd work faithfully, sir, and take low wages, till I could do better, and I'd learn — I would that." co:ira^OR. 155 It was an Irish brogue, and Mr. Bawne always declared that he never would employ an incompetent hand. Yet the tone attracted him. He tm^ned briskly, and with his pen behind his ear, addressed the man, who was only one of fifty who had answered his advertisement for four workmen that morning. *^ What makes you expect to learn faster than other folks — are you any smarter V^ ^^ ril not say that," said the man, ^' but Pd be wishing to ; and that would make it aisier." ^^ Are you used to the work f^ ^^ Fve done a bit of it." ^^Muchf^ '' No, yer honor. TU tell no he; Tim OToole hadn^t the like of this place ; but I know a bit about tins." ^^ You are too old for an apprentice, and you'd be in the way, I calculate," said Mr. Bawne, looking at the brawny arms and bright eyes that promised strength and intelli- gence. ^^ Besides, I know your countrymen — lazy, good-for- nothing fellows, who never do thek best. No, Fve been taken in by Irish hands before, and I won't have another." ^^The Virgin will have to be after bringing them over to me in her two arms, thin," said the man, despairingly, ^^for Tve tramped all the day for the last fortnight, and niver a job can I get, and that's the last penny I have, yer honor, and it's but a half one." As he spoke he spread his palm open, with an Enghsh half-penny in it. ^^ Bring whom over?" asked Mr. Bawne, arrested by the odd speech, as he turned upon his heel and turned back again. ^' Jist Nora and Jamesy." ^^Who are they f ^' The wan's me wife, the other me child, '^ said the man. ^^ 0, masther, just thry me. How'h I bring 'em over to me, if no one will give me a job ? I v/ant to be aiming, and 156 coimoR. the whole big city seems against it, and me with arms hke them !'^ He bared his arms to the shoulder as he spoke, and Mr. Bawne looked at them, and then at his face. ^^rilhire you for a week," he said; ^^ and now as it^s noon, go down to the kitchen and tell the girl to get you some dinner — a himgry man can^t work.'' With an Irish blessing, the new hand obeyed, while Mr. Bawne, untying his apron, went up -stairs to his own meal. Suspicious as he was of the new hand's integrity and ability, he was agreeably disappointed. Connor worked hard, and actually learned fast. At the end of the week he was engaged permanently, and soon was the best work- man in the shop." He was a great talker, but not fond of drink or wasting money. As his wages grew, he hoarded every penny, and wore the same shabby clothes in which he had made his first appearance. *^ Beer costs money," he said one day, ^^ and i very cint I spind puts off the bringing Nora and Jamesy over ; and as for clothes, them I have must do me. Better no coat to my back than no wife and boy by my fireside ; and anyhow, it's slow work saving." It was slow work, but he kept at it all the same. Other men, thoughtless and fall of fun, tried to make him drink ; made a jest of his saving habits, coaxed him to accompany them to places of amusement, or to share in their Sunday frohcs. All in vain. Connor hked beer, liked fun, liked com- panionship ; but he would not delay that long-looked-for bringing of Nora over, and was not ^^mane enough" to accept favor of others. He kept his way, a martyr to his one great wish, living on little, working at night en any extra job that he could earn a few shillings by, running errands in his noon-tide hours of rest, and talking to any one who would listen to him of his one great hope, and of Nora and httle Jamesy. co]srKOR. 157 At first the men, who prided themselves on bemg all Americans, and on tm-ning out the best work in the city, made a sort of butt of Connor, whose wild Irish ways and verdancy were indeed often laughable. But he won their hearts at last, and one day, mounting a work-bench, he shook his little bundle, wrapped in a red handkerchief, before their eyes, and shouted, ^^ Look, boys ; Fve got the whole at last ! I^m going to bring Nora and Jamesy over at last ! Whorooo ! ! Tve got it at last ! ! ! " All felt sym- pathy in his joy, and each grasped his great hand in cor- dial congratulations, and one proposed to treat all round, and drink a good voyage to Nora. They parted in a merry mood, most of the men going to comfortable homes. But poor Connor^s resting-place was a poor lodging-house, where he shared a crazy garret with four other men, and in the joy of his heart the poor fellow exhibited his handkerchief, with his hard-earned savings tied up in a wad in the middle, before he put it under his pillow and fell asleep. When he awakened in the morning, he found his treas- ure gone ; some villain, more contemptible than most bad men, had robbed him. At first Connor could not even believe it lost. He searched every comer of the room, shook his quilt and blankets, and begged those about him ^' to quit joking, and give it back." But at last he realized the truth. ^^ Is any man that bad that it's thaved from me f' he asked, in a breathless way. ^^ Boys, is any man that bad?'' And some one answered: ^^No doubt of it, Connor; it's sthole." Then Connor put his head down on his hands and lifted up his voice and wept. It was one of those sights which men never forget. It seemed more than he could bear, to have Nora and his child ^^ put," as he expressed it, '' months away from him again." 158 comroR. But when he went to work that day it seemed to all who saw him that he had picked up a new determination. His hands were never idle. His face seemed to say, ^^ Til have Nora with me yet." At noon he scratched out a letter, blotted and very strangely scrawled, telling Nora what had happened ; and those who observed him noticed that he had no meat with his dinner. Indeed from that moment he lived on bread, potatoes and cold water, and worked as few men ever worked before. It grew to be the talk of the shop, and now that sympathy was excited, every one wanted to help Connor. Jobs were thrown in his way, kind words and friendly wishes helped him mightily ) but no power could make him share the food or drink of any other workman. It seemed a sort of charity to him. Still he was helped along. A present from Mr. Bawne at pay day set Nora, as he said, ^^ a week nearer," and this and that and the other added to the little hoard. It grew faster than the first, and Connor^s burden was not so heavy. At last, before he hoped it, he was once more able to say, ^^ I'm going to bring them over," and to show his handkerchief in which, as before, he tied up his earn- ings ] this time, however, only to his friends. Cautious among strangers, he hid the treasure, and kept his vest buttoned over it night and day until the tickets were bought and sent. Then every man, woman and child, capable of hearing or understanding, knew that Nora and her baby were coming. There was John Jones, who had more of the brute in his composition than usually falls to the lot of man, would spend ten minutes of the noon hour in reading the Irish news to Connor. There was Tom Barker, the meanest man among the number, who had never been known to give anything to any one before, absolutely bartered an old jacket for a pair of gilt vases, which a peddler brought in his basket to the shop, and presented them to Connor for COOT^OK. 159 his Nora's mantel-piece. And here was idle Dick, the apprentice, who actually worked two hours on Connor's work when illness kept the Irishman at home one day. Connor felt this kindness, and returned it whenever it was in his power, and the days flew hy and brought at last a letter from his wife. ^^She would start as he desired, and she was well and so was the boy, and might the Lord bring them safely to each other^s arms, and bless them who had been so kind to him." That was the substance of the epistle which Connor proudly assured his fellow -workmen Nora wrote herself. She had lived at service as a girl, with a certain good old lady, who had given her the items of an education, which Connor told upon his fingers: ^^ The radin', that^s one, and the writin', that^s three, and moreover, she knows all that a woman can." Then he looked up with tears in his eyes, and asked, '^ Do you wondher the time seems long between me an' her, boys I" So it was. Nora at the dawn of day — Nora at noon — Nora at night — until the news came that the ^' Stormy Petrel" had come to port, and Connor, breathless and pale with excitement, flung up his cap in the air and shouted. It happened on a hohday afternoon, and half a dozen men were ready to go with Connor to the steamer and give his wife a greeting. Her httle home was ready ] Mr. Bawne's own servant had put it in order, and Connor took one peep at it before he started. ^^ She hadn't the like of that in the ould counthry," he said, ^' but she'll know how to keep them tidy." Then he led the way towards the dock where the steamer lay, and at a pace that made it hard for the rest to follow him. The spot was reached at last; a crowd of vehicles blockaded the street ; a troop of emigrants came thronging up ; fine cabin passengers were stepping into cabs, and drivers, porters, and all manner of employees 160 coioroR. were yelling a:tfd shouting in the usual manner. Nora would wait on board for her husband ; he knew that. The httle group made their way into the vessel at last, and there, amid those who sat watching for coming friends, Connor searched for the two so dear to him ; patiently at first — eagerly but patiently — ^but by and by growing anxious and excited. '^ She would never go alone," he said, ^^ she^d be lost entirely } I bade her wait, but I don^t see her, boys ; I think she^s not in it." a Why don^t you see the captain ?" asked one, and Con- nor jumped at the suggestion. In a few minutes he stood before a portly, rubicund man, who nodded to him kindly. ^^ I am looking for my wife, yer honor," said Connor, '^ and I can't find her." ^^ Perhaps she's gone ashore," said the captain. '^ I bade her wait," said Connor. ^^ Women don't always do as they are bid, you know," said the captain. ^' Nora would," said Connor ; ^^ but maybe she was left be- hind. Maybe she didn't come. I somehow think she didn't." At the name of Nora the captain started. In a moment he asked, ^^ What is your name ?" ^^ Pat Connor," said the man. '^ And your wife's name was Nora?" ^^ That's her name, and the boy with her is Jamesy, yer honor," said Connor. The captain looked at Connor's friends ; they looked at the captain. Then he said huskily, '^ Sit down, my man ; I've got something to tell you." ^^ She's left behind I" said Connor. ^^She sailed with us," said the captain. ^^ Where is she f" asked Connor. The captain made no answer. ^^My man," he said, ^^we all have our trials; God sends them. Yes— Nora started with us." CONKOR. 161 Connor said nothing. He was looking at the captain now, white to his lips. ^* It's been a sickly season/' said the captain ; ^^we have had illness on hoard — the cholera. You know that.'' '' I didn't, I can't read ; they kept it from me," said Connor. " We didn't want to frighten him," said one in a half whisper. ^^ You know how long we lay at Quarantine f ^^ The ship I came in did that," said Connor. '^ Did ye say Nora went ashore ? Ought I to he looking for her, captain f " ^^Many died — ^many children," went on the captain. ^^ When we were half way here your hoy was taken sick." ^^Jamesyf" gasped Connor. ^^His mother watched him night and day," said the captain, '^ and we did all we could, hut at last he died ] only one of many. There were five buried that day. But it broke my heart to see the mother looking out upon tho water. ^ It's his father I think of,' said she^ ^ he's longing to see poor Jamesy.' " Connor groaned. ^^Keep up if you can, my man," said the captain. ^^ I wish any one else had to tell it rather than I. That night Nora was taken ill also, very suddenly ; she grew worse fast. In the morning she called me to her. ^ Tell Connor I died thinking of him/ she said, ' and tell him to meet me.' And, my man, God help you, she never said any- thing more— in an hour she was gone." Connor had risen. He stood up, trying to steady him- self; looking at the captain with his eyes dry as two stones. Then he turned to his friends. ^^ I've got my death, boys," he said, and then dropped to the deck like a log. They raised him and bore him away. In an hour he was at home on the little bed which had been made ready 162 THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. for Nora, weary with her long voyage. There at last he opened his eyes. Old Mr. Bawne bent over him ; he had been summoned by the news, and the room was full of Connor^s fellow- workmen. ^^ Better, Connor V^ asked the old man. ^^ A dale," said Connor, ^^ it^s aisy now ; PU be with her soon. And look ye, masther, Pve learnt one thing — God is good; He wouldn^t let me bring Nora over to me, but he^s takin^ me over to her and Jamesy, over the river ; don't you see it, and her standin' on the other side to wel- come me f " And with these words Connor stretched out his arms. Perhaps he did see Nora — Heaven only knows — and so died. THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. TYRONE POWKR. Never let it be said the days of chivalry are fled ; her- alds may have ceased to record good blows stricken, to the tune of a ^^ largesse worthie knights," — pennon and banner, square and swallow-tail'd sleeve and scarf, with all the trumpery of chivalry, are long since dead, 'tis true ; but the lofty, generous feeling with which that term has become synonymous, is yet burning clear and bright v ithin ten thousand bosoms, not one of which ever throbbed at the recollections which the word itself inspires in ^^ gentil heartes," or could tell the difference between Or and Gules, or Yert and Sable, as the following narration of a combat between two ^^ churles,'' or ^^ villains," as the her- ald would term my worthies, will, I trust, go nigh to prove. It was the fair night at Donard, a small village in the very heart of the mountains of Wicklow, when at the turn of a comer leading out of the Dunlavin road, towards the middle of the fair, two ancient foemen abruptly encountered. THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. 16S They eyed one another for a moment without moving a step, when the youngest, a huge six-foot mountaineer, in a long top-coat, having his shirt open from breast to ear, dis- playing on the least movement a brawny chest that was hairy enough for a trunk, growing rather impatient, said in a quick under-tone, that a hstener would have set down for the extreme of pohteness : ^^ You^ll lave the wall, Johnny Evans V^ To which civil request came reply, in a tone equally bland : ^^ Not at your biddin^, if you stand there till next fair day, Mat Dolan." '^You know well I could fling you neck and heels into that gutter, in one minute, Johnny, me bouchil." ^^ You might, indeed, if you call up twenty of the Dun- lavin faction at your back,^^ coolly replied Evans. ^^ I mane, here's the two empty hands could do all that, and never ax help, 'ather,'' retorted Dolan, thrusting forth two huge paws from under his coat. ^^ In the name o' heaven, thin thry it,'' said Evans, fling- ing the shillelagh he had up to this time been balancing cmiously, over the roof of the cottage by which they stood ; adding, ^^ here's a pair of fists, with as httle in thim as your own !" ^^ It's aisy to brag by your own barn, Johnny Evans," said Dolan, pointing with a sneer to the police guard-house, on the opposite side of the way, a hundred yards lower down ; the peelers would not be likely to look on, and see a black Orangeman, like yourself, quilted in his own town, under their noses, by one Mat Dolan, fi:om Dunlavin, all the way." ^^ There's raison in that, any way, Matty," replied John, glancing in the direction indicated. '^ It's not likely thim that's paid by government to keep the peace, would stand by and see it broke, by Papist or Protestant ; but I'll make a bargain wid you; if your blood's over-hot for your skin — 164 THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. which I think, to say the truth, it has long been — come off at once to Hell-kettle wid me, and in the hght of this blessed moon I'll fight it out wid you, toe to toe ; and we^ll both be aisier after, whichever^s bate." ^'There's my hand to that, at a word, Johnny," cried Dolan, suiting the action to the word — and the hands of the foes clasped freely and frankly together. ^' But are we to be only ourselves, do ye mane f ' inquired Matthew. ^^ And enuff, too," answered Evans ; ^* we couldn't pick a friend out of any tint above, without raising a hulabaloo the divil wou'dn^t quiet without blows. Here, now, Fll give you the wall, only you jump the hedge into Charles Faucett's meadow, and cut across the hill by Holy-well into the road, where you'll meet me; divil a soul else you'll meet that way to-night ; and I want to call at home for the tools." ^^ Keep the wall," cried Dolan, as Evans stopped aside^ springing himself at the same time into the road, ankle- deep in mud; '^1^11 wait for you at the bridge, on the Holy- wood glin road. Good-by." A moment after, Dolan had cleared the hedge leading out of the lands into Mr. Faucett's paddock, and Evans was quietly plodding his way homeward. To reach his cottage, he had to run the gauntlet through the very throng of the fair, amidst the crowded tents, whence re- soimded the ill- according sounds of the bagpipe and fid- dle, and the loud whoo ! of the jig dancers, as they beat with active feet the temporary floor, that rattled v^th their tread. Johnny made short greetings with those of his friends he encountered, and on entering his house, plucked a couple of black, business-like looking sticks from the chimney, hefted them carefully, and measured them to- gether with an eye as strict as ever gallant paired rapier with, till, satisfied of their equality, he put his top-coat over his shoulders, and departing by the back door, rapidly THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. 165 cleared two or three small gcardens, and made at once for the jBelds. As Dolan dropped from the high bank mto the lane near the bridge on one side, Evans leapt the gate opposite. ^' You've lost no time, fegs," observed Matthew, as they drew together, shoulder to shoulder, stalking rapidly on. '^ IVe been vexed to keep you waiting, this time, any- how," replied Johnny, and few other words passed. Just beyond the bridge they left the road together, and mounting the course of the little stream, in a few minutes were shut out from the possibihty of observance in a wild, narrow glen, at whose head was a waterfall of some eigh- teen feet. The pool which received this little cascade was exceeding deep, and having but one narrow outlet between the huge stones, the pent waters were forced round and round, boihng and chafing for release ; and hence the not unpoetic name of Hell-kettle given to this spot. The ground immediately about it was wild, bare and stony, and in no way derogated from this fearful title. Near the fall is a little platform or level of some twenty yards square, the place designed by Evans for the battle- gTound. Arrived here, the parties halted ; and as Dolan stooped to raise a little of the pure stream in his hand to his hps, Evans cast his coats and vest on the gray stone close by, and pulling his shirt over his head, stood armed for the fight, not so heavy or tall a man as his antagonist Dolan, but wiry as a terrier, and having, in his agihty and training, advantages that more than balanced the differ- ence of weight and age. ^^Pve been thinking, Johnny Evans," cried Dolan, as lie leisurely stripped in turn, ^' we must have two thrys, after all, to show who's the best man ; you have got the alpeens wid you, I see, and I'm not the boy to say no to thim, but I expect you'll ha' the best ind o' the stick, for it's well known there is not your match in Wicklow, if there is in Wexford itself." /^ That day's past, Matty Dolan," rephed Evans. ^^It's 166 THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. five years since you and me had bad words, at the Pattern o^ the Seven-churches, and that was the last stroke I struck with a stick. There's eight years betune our ages, and you're the heavier man by two stone or near it ; what more 'ud yez have, man ahve f ^' Oh, never fear me, John, we'll never spht about trifles," quietly repMed Dolan ) ^' but, see here, let's dress one an- other, as they do potatoes, both ways. Stand fairly up to me for half a dozen rounds, fist to fist, and I'll hould the alpeen till you're tired after id." ^^Why, look here, Matty, you worked over-long on George's Quay, and were over-fiiendly with the great boxer. Mister Donolan, for me to be able for yez wid the fists," cried Evans. ^^But we'D spht the difference; I'll give you a quarter of an hour out o' me wid the fists, and youMl give the same time, if I'm able, with the alpeen after ; and we'll toss head or harp, which comes first." Eva'ns turned a copper flat on the back of his hand, as he ended his proposal, and in the same moment Dolan cried : ^^ Harp forever." ^^ Harp it is," echoed Evans, holding the coin up in the moon's ray, which shone out but fitfully as dark clouds kept slowly passing over her cold face. In the next moment they were toe to toe, in the centre of the little plain, both looking determined and confident ] though an amateur would have at once decided in favor of Dolan's pose. To describe the fight scientifically would be too long an afiair ; suffice it, that although Johnny's agility gave him the best of a couple of severe falls, yet his antagonist's straight hitting and superior weight left him the thing hollow : tin five quick rounds left Evans deaf to time and tune, and as sick as though he had swallowed a glass of antimonial wine instead of poteen. Dolan carried his senseless foe to the pool and dashed water over him by the hatful. THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. 167 ^' Look at my watch," was Johnny's first word, on gain- mg breath. ^^I can^t tell the tune by watch," cried Dolan, a little sheepish. ^^ Give it here, man," cried Johnny, adding, as he rubbed his left eye, the other being fast closed, ^^ by the Boyne, this is the longest quarter of an hour I ever knew — it wants three minutes yet," and as he spoke, again he rose up before his man. ^^ Sit still, Johnny," exclaimed Matthew; ^^Fll forgive you the three minutes, any how." '' Well, thank ye for that," said Johnny : ^^ I wish I may be able to return the compliment presently ; but by St. Donagh, Tve mighty httle concait left m myself, just now." Within five minutes, armed with the well-seasoned twigs Johnny had brought with him, those honest fellows again stood front to fi-ont, and although Evans had lost much of the elasticity of carriage which had ever been his characteristic when the alpeen was in his hand and the shamrock under his foot, in times past; although his left eye was closed, and the whole of that side of his physiognomy was swollen and disfigured through the mauling he had received at the hands of Dolan, who opposed him to all appearance fresh as at the first, yet was his confidence in himself unshaken, and in the twinkling of his right eye, a close observer might have read a sure anticipation of the victory a contest of five minutes gave to him, for it was full that time before Johnny struck a good-will blow, and when it took effect, a second was uncalled for. The point of the stick had caught Dolan fairly on the right temple, and laying open the whole of the face down to the chin, as if done by a sabre stroke, felling him senseless. After some attempts at recalling his antagonist to per- ception by the brookside without success, Evans began to feel a httle alarmed for his life, and hoisting him on his 168 THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. back, retraced his steps to the village, without ever halt- ing by the way, and bore his insensible burthen into the first house he came to, where, as the devil would have it, a sister of Dolan^s was sitting, having a goster with the owner, one widow Donne van, over a rakin^ pot o^ tay. ^^ God save all here," said Johnny, crossing the floor with- out ceremony, and depositing Mat on the widow^s bed, " Wid^y, by yoiu- lave, let Mat Dolan he quiet here a bit, till I rim down-town for the doctor." ^^ Dolan V^ screamed the sister and the widow in a breath, ^' Mat, is it Mat Dolan that's lying a corse here, and I, his own sister, not to know he was in trouble f ' Loud and long were the lamentations that followed this unlucky discovery. The sister rushed fi-anticly out into the middle of the road, screaming and calling on the friends of Dolan to revenge his murder on Evans and the Orange- men that had decoyed and slain him. The words passed from lip to lip, soon reaching down to the heart of the fah^, where most of the parties were about this time corned for anything. '^ Johnny Evans,'^ cried the widow Donnevan, as he made, in few words, the story known to her, ^^ true or not true, this is no place for you now ; the whole of his faction will be up here in a minute, and you will be killed like a dog on the flure ; out wid you, and dovm to the guard- house while the coast's clear." *^rd best, maybe," cried Evans; ''and Pll send the doctor up the quicker — but mind, widow— if that boy ever spakes, he'll say a fairer fight was never fought — ^get that out of him for the love o' heaven, Mrs. Donnevan." '' He hasn't a word in him, I fear," cried the widow, as Johnny left the door, and with the readiness of her sex, assisted by one or two elderly gossips, who were by this time called in, she bathed the wounds with spirits, and used every device which much experience in cracked crowns, acquired during the hfetime of Willy Donnevan, THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. 169 her departed lord, suggested to her. Meantime Evans, whilst making his way down through the village, had been met and recognized by the half-frantic sister of Dolan and her infuriated friends, who had been all for some time puzzled at the absence of him who was proverbial as " Best foot on the flure; First stick in the fight." ^^ There^s the murderer of Mat Dolan, boys," cried the woman, as some ten or twelve yards off she recognized Johnny, who was conspicuous enough, wearing his shirt like a herald^s tabard as in his haste he had drawn it on at Hell-kettle. With a yell that might have scared the devil, thirty athletic fellows sprang forward at full speed after Evans, who wisely never staid to remonsti^ate, but made one pair of heels serve, where the hands of Briareus, had he possessed as many, would not have availed him. He arrived at Mrs. Donnevan's door before his pursuers ; he raised the latch, but it gave no way ; the bar was drawn within, and had his strength been equal to it, further fight was become impracticable — turning with his back to the door, there stood Johnny, hke a hon at bay , uttering no word, since he weU knew that words would not prevail against the fury of his foes. Forward with wild cries and loud imprecations rushed the foremost of the pursuers, and Evans' life was not worth one moment's purchase ; a dozen sticks already clattered like hail upon his guard, and on the waU over his head, when the door suddenly opened inwards, back tumbled Johnny, and into the space he thus left vacant stepped a gaunt figure, naked to the waist, pale and marked with a stream of blood yet flowing from the temple. With wild cries the mob pressed back. '^It's a ghost! it's Dolan's ghost!" shouted twenty voices, above all of which was heard that of the presumed spirit, crying hi good Irish, ^^ That's a he, boys, it's Mat Dolan himself! able and ^dUing to make a ghost of the first man that lifts a hand agin Johnny Evans ; who bate 170 THE FIGHT OF HELL-KETTLE. me at Hell-kettle like a man and bro^t me here after, on his back, like a brother.^' ^^ Was it a true fight, Maf?" demanded one or two of the foremost, recovering confidence enough to approach Dolan, who, faint from the exertion he had made, was now resting his head against the doorpost. A pause, and the silence of death followed. The brows of the men began to darken, as they drew close to Dolan. Evans saw his life depended on the reply of his antagonist, who already seemed lapsed into insensibihty. '^ Answer, Mat Dolan V^ he cried impressively, ^^for the love of heaven, answer me — was it a true fight f^ The voice appeared to rouse the fainting man. He raised himself in the doorway, and stretched his right hand towards Evans, exclaiming : '^ True as the cross, by the blessed Virgin!^' and as he spoke, fell back into the arms of his friends. Evans was now safe. Half a dozen of the soberest of the party escorted him down to the pohce station, where they knew he would be secure ; and Dolan^s friends, bear- ing him with them on a car, departed, without attempting any riot or retaliation. This chance took place sixteen years ago ; but since that day there never was a fair at Dunlavin that the Orange- man Evans was not the guest of Dolan ; nor is there a fair- night at Donard that Mat Dolan does not pass under the humble roof of Johnny Evans. I give the tale as it occurred, having always looked upon it as an event credit- able to the parties, both of whom are alive and well, or were a year ago; for it is httle more since Evans, now nigh sixty years old, walked me off my legs on a day^s grousing over Church-mountain, and through Oram's hole, carrying my kit into the bargain. Adieu. It will be a long day ere I forget the pool of " Hell-kettle,^^ or the angels in whose company I first stood by its bubbling brim. DICK'S Recitations and Readings. A carefully compiled Series of Yolumes, unifonu in size and style, which will inclnde everything that is fresh and popular, introducing, also, the older Gems of the English Language that are always in demand : embracing CHARACTER SKETCHES, DIALECT PIECES, HUMOROUS, SENTIMENTAL, PATHETIC, PATRIOTIC, ELOQUENT, AND SERIOUS. Recitations and Readings in Poetry and Prose, excluding every- thing that is not eminently appropriate, either for Declamation or Pubhc Reading. Each dumber contains about 180 Pages of Reading Matter, printed on fine paper, from clear type, and handsomely bound in Illuminated Paper Cover 30 cts. Or Full Cloth 50 Cts. Ten I^umbers of the above Series are now ready, and a new ISTumber will be published every three months. ^* The Publishers, upon receipt of price, will send any of the foUoiving books by mail, postage free, to any part of the United States. In ordering books, the full name, post-office^ county and State should be plainly written. We publish a complete Descriptive Catalogue, which will be sent free on application, DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, Box »9T5. NEW YORK, ^ Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. BEECHER'S RECITATIONS READINGS. Humorous, Serious, Dramatic^ including Prose and Poetiojil Selections in Dutch, French, Yankee, Irish, Backwoods, I^Tegro and other Dialects. Edited by Alvali C. Beecher. This excel- lent selection has been compiled to meet a growing demand for Public Eeadiugs, and contains a number of the favorite pieces that have been rendered with telling effect by the most popular Public Readers of the present time. It includes, also, choice selections for Recitations, and is, therefore, admirably adapted tor use at Evening Entertainments, School Celebrations, and other Festival occasions. C O N T E Miss Malonov croes to the Dentist. Lost and Found. Pathetic. My.u-el Snyder's Barty. Magdalena ; or. the Spanish Duel. Jim" Wolfe and the Cats. The Woolen Doll. A Maniac's Story. Tlie Charity Dinner. A Character- istic Hcadinp;. Go-Morrow ; or, Lot's Wife. Negro Conyersation on Ivcligion. The Wind and the Mooii. liecitation. I)yin' Words of Isaac. Maude Mnller in Dutch. Moses the Sassy ; or, the Disguised Duke. Burlesque style. The Yarn of the " Xancy BeU." Paddy tlie Piper. Irisli jSTarrative. Schnei<.ler sees " Leah." Caldwell of Sprinp-field. A Story. Artemus Ward's Panorama. Sorrowful Talc of a Seryant Girl. How a Frenchman Entertained John Bull. Tiamoudts on der Prain. King Eobert of Sicily. A Dream. Gloyerson the MormW. De Pint wid Ole Pete. jSTegro Dialect. Pat and the Pia-, An Irish Story. The AYidow Bedotf s Letter to Elder Sniffles. Characteristic. The CiT of the Children. The Dutchman and the Small-pox. Sculpin. A Yankee Anecdote. Rats. Descriptiye Hecitation. An Introduction. A Eeader Intro- duces Himself to an Audience. A Dutchman's Dolly Yarden. " Hock of Ages." A Beautiful Poem. Feeding the Black Fillies. Irish. The Hornet. Its Manners and Cus toms. Paper coyers. Price Bound in boards, cloth back IS^TS. The Gloye and the Lions. I Yant to Ely. That Dog of Jim Smiley's. The Story of the Eaithfiil Soul. ' ' My New Pittay atees. ' ' Character- istic. Mary Ann's Wedding. An Inquiring Yankee. The Tliree Bells. Story of a Ship wreck. liOye in a Balloon. Mrs. Brown on the State of the Streets. Shoo Flies. "Excelsior" in Dutch. Discourse by the Eev. Mr. Bosan. Without the Children. Pathetic. Signer Billsmethi's Dancing Acad- eray. Der Goot Lookin Shnow. Parody. The Celebrated Jumping Frog. The Lost Chord. A Memory of tho Past. The Tale of a Leg. An Amusing Story. That West-side Dog. How Dennis Took the Pledge. Tha Fisherman's Summons. Pathetit Badger's Debut as Hamlet. Hoyy Kezekiah Stole the Spoons. Paddy's Dream. Yictuals and Drink. How Jake Schneider Went Blind. Aurelia's Unfortunate Young Man. Mrs. Brown on Modern Houses. Farm Yard Song. Country Scene. Murphy's Pork Barrel Mystery. The Prayer Seeker. Pathetic Poem. An Extraordinary Phenomenon. The Case of Young Bangs. A Mule Ride in Florida. Dhree Shkaders. A Dutch Ditty. 30 cts. •• 50 ctj. Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. For Album Dedications; To Accompany Philopena Forfeits; For Congratulation; For Valentines in General, and all Trades and Professions. Dick's Original Album Verses and Acrostics. Contaming Original Yerses For Autograph Albums; To Accompany Bouquets; For Birthday Anniversaries; For Wooden, Till, Crystal, Silver and Golden Weddings; It contains also Two Hundred and Eighteen Original Acrostic Yerses, the initial letters of each verse forming a different Lady's Christian name, the meaning and derivation of the name being appended to each. The primary object of this book is to furnish entirely fresh and unhackneyed matter for all who may be called upon to fill and adorn a page in a Lady's Album; but it contains also new and ax->propriate verses to suit Birthday, Wedding, and all other Anniversaries and Occasions to Vy-hich verses of Com- pliment or Congratulation are applicable. Paper covers. Price. .50 cts. Bound in full cloth " . .75 ct3. The Debater, Chairman's Assistant^ and Rules of Order. A manual for Instruction and Reference in all matters pertaining to the Management of Public Meetings according to Parliamentary usages. It comprises : How to Form and Conduct all kinds of Associations and Clubs; How to Organize and Arrange Public Meetings, Celebrations, Dinners, Pic- nics and Conventions; Forms for Constitutions of Lyceums or Institutes, Literary and other Societies; The Powers and Duties of Officers, with Forms for Treasurers', Secretaries' , and other Official Reports; The Formation and Duties of Commit- tees; Rules of Order, and Order of Business, with Mode of Procedure in all Cases. How to draft Resolutions and other Written Business; A Model Debate, introducing the greatest possible variety of points of order, with correct Decisions by the Chairman; The Rules of Order, in Tabular Form-, for instant reference in all Cases of Doubt that may arise, enabling a Chair- man to decide on all points at a glance. The TVork is divided into different Sections, for the lourpose of Consecutive Instruction as well as Keady Keference, and includes all Decisions and Rulings up to the present day. Paper covers 30 ets. Bound in boards, cloth ba/ Postage at the Prices annexe*. HOWARD'S RECITATIONS. Comic, Serious and Pathetic. Being a carefully selected collec- tion of fresh Recitations in Prose and Poetry, suitable for An- niversaries, Exhibitions, Social Gatherings, and Evening Par- ties; affording, also, an abundance jf excellent material foi practice and declamation. Edited by Clarence J. Howard, co:N^TE:isrTS. Miss Malony on the Chinese Ques- tion. Kit Carson's Ride. A fine descrip- tive poetical recitation. Buck Fanshaw's Funeral. Knocked About. Monologue. The Puzzled Dutchman. Dialect Shamus O'Brien. Popular recitation The Naughty Little (lirl. Humorous. The Bells offehandon. Serious poem. No Sect in Heaven. A dream. Rory O'More's Present to the Priest. "Mother's Fool." A Recitation. Queen Elizabeth. A comic oration. The Starling. A recitation. Lord Dundreary's Riddle. The Stuttering Lass. Amusing re- cital. The Irish Traveler. Humorous piece. The Remedy as Bad as the Disease. A Subject for Dissection. The Heathen Chinee. Mona's Waters. Pathetic recitation. A Showman on the AVoodchuck. How Happy 111 Be. Moral recitation. A Frenchman's Account of tlie Fall. Isabel's Grave. Pathetic recitation. The Parson and the Spaniel. An Irishman's Letter. An Affectionate Letter. Irish style. The Halibut in Love. The Merry Soap-Boiler. The Unbeliever. A solemn recitation The Voices at the Throne. Lord Dundreary Proposing. A very comic recitation. The Fireman. Descriptive piece. Paul Revere's Ride. Annie and Willie's Prayer. Pathetic A Frenchman on Macbeth. The New Church Organ. Katrina Likes Me Pocdy Yell. Hu morous Ditty in Dutch dialect. How to Save a Thousand Pounds. How I Got Incited to Dinner. Patient .Toe. A serious recitation. tTimmy Butler and the Owl. The IVIenageiie. A wild beast show. Old Quizzle. The Infidel and Quaker. Recitation. The Lawyer and the Chimney- sweeper. Bill Mason's Biide. A railroad yarn. Judging by Appearances. TheDeatli's Head ; or. Honesty th« best Policy. Betsey and i are Out. Betsey Destroys the Paper. Father Blake's' Collection. Blank Verse in Rliyme. Roguerj^ Taught by Confession. Banty Tim. Antony and Cleopatra. Deacon Hezekiah. Description of a Sanctimonious Hypocrite. The Frenchman and the Landlord. The Family Quarrel. A dialogue on the Sixteenth Amendment. The Guess. Old English Recitation. The Atheist and Acorn, Brother Watkins Farewell of a Southern Minister. Hans in a Fix. A Dutchman's dream of Matrimony. To-Morrow. Poetical recitation. The Highgate Butcher. The Lucky Call. The Lost Spectacles. Challenging f!ie Foieman. The Country Schoolmaster. The Matrimonial Bugs and the Tray elers. Peter Sorghum in Love. Yankee story. Tim Tuff. A sharp bargain. The Romance of Nick Van Stanu- The Debating Society. Recitation. Deacon Stokes. A Tribute to our Honored Dead. The Dying Soldier. Pathetic poetry. The Yankee Fireside. Yankee sketches of character. The Suicidal Cat. An affecting tale. The Son's Wish. A dying father's bequest. 16mo. 180 pages. Paper covers. Price 30 cts. Bound in boards, cloth back » 50 CtSr Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. )ick's Dutclij French and Yankee Dialect Recitations. An unsurpassed Collection of Droll Dutch Blunders, Frenchmen's Funny Mistakes, and Ludicrous and Extravagant Yankee Yams, each Eecitation being in its own peculiar dialect. To those who make Dialect Recitations a speciality, this Collection will be of particular service, as it con- tains all the best pieces that are iacidentally scattered through a large number of volumes of '^ Recitations and Readings,^' be- sides several new and excellent sketches never before published. 170 pages, paper cover 30 cts. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 cts. )ick's Irish Dialect Eecitations. A carefully compiled Collection of Rare Lish Stories, Comic, Poetical and Prose Recitations, Humorous Letters and Funny Recitals, all told with the irresistible Humor of the Irish Dialect. This Collec- tion contaiQS, ia addition to new and original pieces, all the very best Recitations in the Irish Dialect that can be gathered from a whole library of ^^ Recitation" books. It is full of the sparkling witticisms and queer conceits of the wittiest nation on earth ; and, apart from its special object, it furnishes a fand of the most entertaining matter for perusal in leisure moments. 170 pages, paper cover 30 cts. Bound ia boards, cloth back 50 cts. Worcester's Letter-Writer and Book of Busi- ness Forms for Ladies and Gentlemen. Containing Accu- rate Directions for Conducting Epistolary Correspondence, with 270 Specimen Letters, adapted to every Age and Situation hi Life, and to Business Pursuits in General ; with an Appendix comprising Forms for "Wills, Petitions, BiUs, Receipts, Drafts, Bills of Exchange, Promissory Kotes, Executors^ and Adminis- trators' Accounts, etc., etc. This work is divided into two parts, the portion applicable to Ladies beiag kept distinct from the rest of the book, in order to provide better facilities for ready reference. The Orthography of the entire work is based on "Worcester's method, which is coming more and more into general use, from the fact that it presents less ambiguity in spelling. 216 pages. Bound in boards, cloth back .... 50 cts. Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. SPENCEH'S BOOK OF COMIC SPEECHES HUMOHOUS RECITATIONS. A collection of Comic Speeches and Dialognes, Hnmorons Prose and Poetical Recitations, Laughable Dramatic Scenes and Bur- lesques, and Eccentric Characteristic Soliloquies and Stories. Suitable lor School Exhibitions and Evening Entertainments. Edited by Albert J. Spencer. co:n'te:n'ts. The Yanlvce Landlord. His Eye was Stern and Wild. The Godd:.\ss of Slang-. Comic. Dick, the Apotliee-arv's Apprentice. Courting- in i reuch HoUow. Dialect Eecital. The Case Altered. The Fox and the Eangcr. Dialect Dialogue for 2 mides. The Declaration. The Warrantee Deed. Comic Song or Recitation ; with Chorus. A Wight's Adventure. Thrilling. Julia. Comic Love Scene. Saying not ]Meaning. Humorous. 16,000^ Years Ago. " Negro Burlesque for 3 males. The Nimmers. Degrees of Crime. Gucom and the Back-log. AVidow Bedott's ^Mistake. Dialogue for 1 male and 1 female. Categorical Courtship. Ho"w a Bash- ful Lover "popped the Question." Mr. Artemus Ward crossing Dixie. My Last Shirt. Pathetic Ehap- sodv. The Three Black Crows. The Barber's Shop. For 2 males. Paddv O'Rafther. Irish Dialect. Decidedly Cool. Scene for 2 males and 1 female. The Frenchman and the Eats. The Jester Condemned to Death. Kindred Quacks. Physic and Divi- nitv. ^. - , Hans Breitmann's Party. Dialect. The Generous Frenchman. Dialect. Saint Jonathan. A Poem of to-day. Stump speech. Highfalutin' Style. The kival Lodgers. Farce for 2 m!".les and 1 female. The Frenchman and the Mosquitoes. The Maiden's Mishap. The Pemoval. An Amusing Recital. Talking Latin. Characteristic. Praving for Pvain. Paper covers. Price Bound in boards, cloth back. The Darkey Photographer. Negro scene for 3 males." Paddy and his Musket. Fnnny. Hezekiah Bcdott. Gossipy Style. Uncle Eeuben"s Tale. Mr. Caudle has been to Greenwich Fair. The Chemist and his Love. The Disgusted Dutchman. Dialect Dialogue for 3 males. The Frightened Traveler. An Ad- venture. Economy. The Jewess and her Son. Clerical Wit. Tme Lies. The School House. Descriptive Piece. Daniel rersvfi Dishclont. Spectacles, or Helps to Bead. The Pig. Colloquial Poem in praise of this much despised animal. A Stray Parrot. Farce for 1 male and 2 females. Dame Fredegonde. A Priest's advice. Toby Tosspot. Convivial A dventure- Coui-tship and Matrimony. Pings and Seals. PoeticaL The" Biter Bit. A WaU of the For- saken. Pat and the Gridiron. Amusing Dialect Recitation. Tlie Barmecide's Feast. ^ Burlesque for .5 males, with directions. Th# Country Pedagogue. Descrip- tive Sketch after Nature. The Middle-aged Man and Two Wid- ows. The Saratoga Waiter. Funny Negro Scene for 2 males. The Wrangling Pair. A Monologue. A ConnulDial Eclogue. Poetical Dialogue for 1 male and 1 female. The Itahan from Cork. Scene in a Justice's Court, for 3 males. Gasper Schnapps' Exploit. A Brag- gart's Boast. Epilogue. Suitable for eonclusion of an Entertainment. 30 ets. o 50 cts. Popular Books sent Frea of Postage at tlis Prioea annezed. CHECKERS AND CHESS. Spayth's American Draught Player ; or. The Theory and Practice of the Scientifi.c Game of Checkers. Simplified and Illustrated with Practical Diaijrams. Containing upwards of 1,700 Games and Posi- tions. By Henry Spayth. Sixth edition, with over three hundred Correc- tions and Improvements. Contaminfj^: The Standard Laws of the Game — Full instructions— Draught Eoard Numbered— I^ames of the Gnmes. and how formed — The " Theory of the Move and its Changes " practically ex- plained and illustrated wiih Diagrams— Playing Tables for Draught Clubs — New Systems of numberinc: the Buard — Prefixing signs to the Variations — List of 'Draught Treatises and Publications chronologically arranged. Bound in cloth, gilt side and back... $3.00 Spasrth's Game cf Eranghts. ^y nemy Spajth. TMs book IS designed as a supplement to the author's first work, "The Amorican Draught Player"'; but it is complete in itself. It contains lucid instructions for beginners, laws of tlie game, diagrams, tlic score of 'VA games, together with :H novel, ijistructive and ingenious " critical positions." Cloth, gilt back and side S1.50 Spayth's Draughts or Checkers for Beginners. This trea- tise was written by Henry Spayth, fae celebrnted player, and is by far the most complete and instructive elementary work on Draughts ever published.- It is ]>rofusely illustrated with diagrams of ingenious stratagems, curious positions and perplexing problems, and contains a great variety of interest- ing and instructive Games, progressively arranged and clearly explained ■w ith notes, so tliat the learner may easily comprehend them. With the aid of this iVIannal a beginner may soon become a proficient in the game. Cloth, gilt side ^. ". 75 cts, Scattergood's Game of Drang'hts, or Checkers, Simplified and Explained. With practical Diagrams and Illustrations, together with a Checicer-Board, numbered and printed in red. Containing the Eighteen Standard Games, with over --200 of the best variations, selected from vaiious authors, with some never before published. By D. Scattergood. Bound in cloth, with flexible covers 50 ctSt Marache's Manual of Chess. Containing a description $f the Board and Pieces, Cliess N"otation, Technical Terms, v>-ith diagrams illus- trating them. Laws of the Game, Pelative Yalae of Pieces. Prelimin-'-j Games for Beginners, Fifty Openings of Games, giving tJl tlie latest dij- coveries of Modern Masters, with tlie best games and co^nous notes, Tu'ent^ Endings of Games, sliov.'ing easiest >^ays of efFectin^"- Checkmate, Thirty- six ingenious Diagram Problems, and sizteen cnnous Ciiess Stratagems, being one of the best Books for Beginners ever puDdshed. By N. Marache. 3')0und in boards, cloth back - 50 ets. Boujid in cloth, gilt side 75 cts. DICK & FITZG-ERALD, Publishers, Doi 3975. NEW TORK. Popular Books seat Free of Postage at the P rices annesed. READINGS AND RECITATIONST and Crirls. Coutuinmg- yhort and casiij-leunu'd Speeches and DiaWues expressly udapted lor School Celebrations. May-Dav Festiyals a lot ^^^ Cliildren s J:.uienainmenis. Embracmg one hundred and l wentv^h ee e W tivepieees. isj Airs. Kussell Kavunuuoh. illummated pap Wvct 30 c^ Bound in boards, cloth back * ^ '-'^> ^-i . oy ciS Kavanaugh's Juvenile Speaker. For very Little Eovs and Girls. Contuiniug- .short and easily-learned Speeches and DiaWui expressly adapted lor School ('plohrnfions. ai,.,- t^.!., i.-..^?:" , . K^^^^' other ellec- > Cts. 60 cts. Com- t, nc^ .J. ^.v.v.v..v.v,.x V.X ^.^.luiiijj. a:.aiLcu ny ' -n. ii Dick. Each nnmber of the 50 cts. Beecher's Recitations and Eeadinffs. Humorons, Serious, JJramatieineludin- Prose and Poetical Selections in Dutch, Yankee, Irish, l^egroandoiherlialects. J^Upages, paper covers 30 CtS^ Bound in boards, cloth back ..50 eta! Howard's Recitations. Comic, Serious and Pathetic. 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They develop in a marlccd degree the ec- centricities and peculiarities of the various characters which are represented in them; and are specially adapted for School Ex- hibitions and other celebrations, which mainly depend upon the efforts of the young folks, McBride's Comic Dialogues. A collection of twenty- t.iiree Original Humorous Dialogues, especially designed for the display of Ama- teur dramatic talent, and introducing a yariety of sentimental, sprightly, comic and geimine Yankee characters, and other ingeniously developed eccen- tricities. By H. Elliott McBride. 180 pages, illuminated paper covers. .30 CtS. Bound in boards 50 CtS. McBride's All Kinds of Dialogues. A collection of twenty- five Original, Humorous and Domestic Dialogues, introducing Yankee, Irish, Dutch and other characters. Excellently adapted for Amateur Per- formances. 180 pages, illuminated paper covers 30 ctS. Bound in boards 50 ctfJ. Holmes' Very Little Dialogues for Very Little Folks. 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WE WILL SEND A CATALOGUE free to any address, con- taining a list of all the Dialogues in each of the above books, together with the number of boys and girls required to perform them. DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, Box 3975. NEW YOKIt. Popular Sooks sent Free of Postage at tlie Prices annexed. AMATEUR THEATRICALS. " All the plays m the following excellent books are especially de- signed for Amateur performance. The majority of them are in one act and one scene, and may he represented in any moderate- sized parlor, without much preparation of costume or scenery. Burton's Amateur Actor. A complete guide to Private Theat- ricals ; giviiijj plain directions for arranging, decorating and lighting tiio Stage; with rules and suggestions lor mountiug, rehearsing and perfonn- ing'all kinds of Plays, Parlor Pantomimes and Shadow Pantomimes, llius. trated with numerous engravings, and including a hcleetion of original Plays, with Prologues, Epilogues, etc. i6mo, illuminated paper ccver 30 cts. Eound in boards, with cloth back . . ; 50 CtS. Parlor Theatricals; or, Winter Evenings' Entertainment. Containing Acting Proverbs. Dramatic Charades, Drawing-lioom Pauto- mimes, a Musical Burlesque and an amusing Farce, with instructions for Amateurs. Illustrated with engravings. Paper covers 30 CtS. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 CtS. Howard's Book of Drawing-Room Theatricals. A collec- tion of twelve sliort and anmsing plays. Some of the plays are adapted fot performers of one sex only. 1 80 pages, paper covers 50 ctS. Bound in boards, with cloth bacli. . ' 50 ctS. Hudson's Private Theatricals. A collection of fourteen humor- ous plays. Four of these plays are adapted for performance by males only, and tliree are for females. 1 Va) pages, paper covers 30 CtS Bound in boards, \\ itii cloth back 50 CtS. Nu^ent's Burlesque and Musical Acting Charades. Con- tatning ten Charades, all in different styles, two of which are easy and etfec- tive Comic Parlor Operas, A\ith Music'and Piano-forte Accompaniments. 17(J pages, papsT covers 3U ctS. Bound in boards, clotli back 50 ctS. Frost's Dramatic Proverbs and Charades. Containing eleven Proverbs and fifteen Charades, some of which are for Dramatic Performance, and others arranged for Tableaux Vivants. 17G pages, paper covers. 30 ctS. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 cts. Frost's Parlor Acting Charades. These twelve excellent and original Charades are arranged as short parlor Comedies and Farces, full of brilliant repartee and amusing situations. 18-2 pages, paper covers. .30 cts. Illuminated boards 50 (j{g. Frost's Book of Tableaux and Shadow Pantomimes. A collection of Tableaux Vivants and Shadow Pantomimes, with stage in- structions for Costuming. Grouping, etc. 180 pages, paper covers. .30 CtS. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 ctS. Frost's Amateur Theatricals. A collection of eight original plays ; all short, amusiuiz: and new. 180 pages, paper covers • .30 ctS. Bound in boards, \^ith cloth back 50 ctS. WE WILL SEND A CATALOGUE containing a complete list of all the pieces in each of the above books, together tvith the number of male and female characters in each play, to any per- son who ivill send us their address. Send for one. DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, Box ^975. BfElW YORK* Popular Books sent Tree of Postage at the Prices annesed. Mrs, Partington's Carpet-Bag of Fun. A collection of over 1,000 of the niost Comioai Stories, Amusing Adventures, Sicle-Splilting jokes, Ciieek-extendiug Poetry, i'miuy Conundrums, Queer iSaying-.s of Mrs. Partington, Heart-Eendiiig Puns, "Witty liepartees, etc. Tlie \'\hol8 illustrated by about 150 comic Avood-cuts. 12mo, 300 pages, ornamented paper covers » ... .75 ct3. Harp of a Thousand Strings; or, Laugliter for a Life-time, A book of nearly 400 pages ; bound in a handsome gilt cover ; crowded full of funny stories, besides being illustrated with over" 200 comic engravings, by Darley, McLenuan, Jiellew, etc .^1.50 CMps from Uncle Sam's Jack-Knife. Illustrated ivith over 100" Comical Engravings, and comprising a collection of over 500 Laugliable Stories, Funny Adventures. Comic Pcetry, Queer Conundrums, TerriQo Puns and Sentimental Sentences. Large octavo 25 ets. Tox's Eblllopian Camicalitieo. Contaiiiing Stranga Sayings^ Eccentric Doings, Burlesque Speeches, L-iughable Drolleries and Funny Stories, as recited by the celebrated Ethiopian Comedian 10 ci:3. Ned Turner's Circus Joke Book. A collection of the best Jokes, Bon Mots, Kepartees, G-ems of '\Vit and Funny Sayings and Doings of the celebrated Equestrian Clown and Ethiopian Comedian, Xed Tttr- ner iO ct3. Ned Turner's Black Jokes, A collection of Fnnny Stories, Jokes and Conundrums, interspersed with ^Titty Sayinijs and Humorous Dialogues, as given by ISTed Turner, the celebrated Ethiopian Delinea- tor 10 cts. Ned Turner's, Clown Joke Book. Containing the best Jokes and Gems of Wit, composed and delivered by the fa^■orite Equestrian Chjwn, Ned Tiumer. Selected and arranged by G. E. G 10 CC3. Charley Wilite's Joke Book. Containing a full expose of all the most laughable Jokes. T\"itticism.s, etc., as told by the celebrated Ethiopian Comedian, Charles White .' lo cts. Black Y/it and Darky Conversations. By Charles TThite. Containing a large collection of laughable Anecdotes, Jokes, Stories, \'. itti- cisms and Darky Conversations .10 cts. Yale College Scrapes ; or, How the Boys Go It at Hew Haven. This is a book of 114 pages, containing accounts of all the famous "Scrapes" and "Sprees" of which students of Old Yale have been guilty for the last quarter of a century 25 ct3. Laug'Mns^ Gas. An Encyclopedia of Tv^it, Wisdom and TTind. By Sam Slick, Jr. Coraicaliy illustrated with 100 original and laughable Engravings, and nearly COO side-extending Jokes 30 CtS. Tiie KnaDsack Full of Fun; or, l^OOOEations of Laughter. Illustrated with over 100 comical engrnvings, and containing Jokes and Eimny Stories. By Doesticks and other witty writers. Large quarto . .30 cts. The Comical Adventures of Bavid Bufficks. Illustrated ^ith over one hundred Fttnny Engravings. This is a book foil of fun 25 cts. Tlie Pla-e of Cliowder. A Dish for Funny Felloes. Appi'o- priately illustrated with 100 comic engravings. 12mo, paper covers. . L J C'i^S. Popular Booka sent Free of Postage at the Prices annesei. The Young Debater and Chairman's Assistant. By an ex- ]!y^oinber of^tlic Philadelpliiti Bnr. Containinir iustriictioiis how to Form and Conduct Societies; how to Form and Conduct Chibs and other orpm- ized Associations; liules of Order for the Government of tlieir Business and Debates; liow to Compose Kesolutions, IJeports and Petitions; how to Ors;-anize and ]!danai;e Public ^eetiii.iis, Celebrations, Dinners, Pic-Nics aad Conventions; Duties of the President and other Officers of a Chib or Society, with Otiicial Forms; Hints on Debnto and Pulilic Spealdni;-; Forms for Constitutions and By-Laws. To any one who desires to become familiar with the duties of an Officer or Com^mittee-maii in a Society or Association this work will be invaluable, ns it contains the most minute in- structions iu cverythins^ that pertains to the routine of Society Business. 15:;3 pages, paper covers 30 cts. Bound" iu boards, with cloth back 50 Ct3. How to Conduct a Debate. A Series of Complete Debate?, Outlines of Debates and Questions for Discussion. In the complete do- bates, tiie questions for discussion are dehned. tiie debate formally opened, an array of brilliant arguments adduced on either side, and the debate ch)sed according- to parhumentary usages. The second part consists of questions for debate, with heads of arguments, for and against, given iu a condensed form, for tho speakers to enlarge upon to suit their own fancy. In addition to these aie a large collecliou of debatable quesiions. The authorities to be referred to for information beiui? piven at the close of every debate throughout tlio work. By Frederic Kowton. 2'3'2 pages, 16mo. Paper covers 50 CtS, Bound in boards, cloth back 'i 5 CtS. The Vegetable Garden. Containing thorough instructions for Sowing, Planting and Cultivating all kinds of Vcgetablcc;, with plain direc- tions for preparing, manuring and tilling the soil to suit each plant; includ; ing. also, a summary of the work to be (lone in a Yegetable Garden during each month of the year. This Avork embraces, in a condensed but thoroughly practical form, all the information that either an amateur or a practical gardener can require in connection with the successful raising of Vegetables and Herbs. It also gives separate directions for the cukivation of some seventy different Vegetables, including all the varieties of esculents that form the ordinary stock of a kitchen garden or truck farm. By James Hogg. 110 pages, paper covers 30 CtS. TuU cloth 50 Cts. The Amateur Trapper and Trap-Mal^er'S Gnide. A com- plete and carefully prep.ared treatise on the art of Trapping, Snaring aiul Netting. This comprehensive m ork is embchished Avith hfty engraved illus- trations; and these, together with the clear exphmations which accompany them, Avill enable anvbody of moderate comprehension to make and set any of the traps describecl. It also gives the baits usually employed by the most successful Hunters and Trappers, and exposes their secret methods of attracting and catching animals, birds, etc., -with scarcely a possibility of failure. Large lf;mo, p^iper covers bO Cts. Bound in boards, cloth back 75 Cts, How to Write a Composition. The nse of this excellent hand- book will save the student tlie many hours of labor too often wasted in trying to write a plain composition. It affords a perfect skeleton of one hundred and seventeen different subjects, with thoir iieadiiigs or divisicms clearly defined, and each heading filled in with the ideas which the subject sug- gests ; so that all the writer has to do. in order to produce a good composi- tion, is to enlarge on them to suit his taste and inclination. I^ 178 pages, paper covers 30 ctS, Bound in boards, cloth back « 50 ctS. Popular Books sent Fre3 of Postage at the Prices annexed. Barber's American Book of Ready-Made Speeches. Con- taining 159 oriiiinal examples of Humorous and Serious "Speeches, suitable for every possible occasion wliere a speeck may be called lor, together with ap[)ropriate replies to each. laciuding: Ojf-Hcnid Speeches on a Variety of Subjects. Miscellaneous Speeches. Toaats and Sentiments for Public and Private Entertaiujn ents . Preambles and Resolutions of Con- gratulation^ Compliment and Coiir dolence. Presentation Speeches. Convivial Speeches. Festival Speeches. Addresses of Congratulation. Addresses of Welcome. Addresses of OompUment. Political Speeches. Dinner and Supper Speeches for Clubs. etc. With this book any person may prepare himself to make a neat little speech, or replv to one when called upon to do so. They are all short, appropriate and witty, and even ready speakers may protit by them. Paper 60 CtS. Bound ill boards, cloth back 75 CtS. Day's American Eeady-Reekoner. By B. H. Day. This Eeady-lieckoner is composed of Original Tables, which are posit irely cor- rect, having been revised in the m;)st careful manner. It is a book of 192 pages, and embraces more matter thiiu .5 paL'-es of any other Reckoner. It contains: Tables for Rapid Calculations of Aggregate* Values, Wages, Sal- aries, J3oard, Interest Money, etc.; Tables of Timber and Plank Me isure- ment ; Tables of Board and Log Measurement, and a great variety of Tables and useful calculations which it would be impossible to enumerate in an adver- tisement of this limited space. All the information in this valuable book is given iji a simple manner, and is made so j)! da, that any person can use it at once without any previous study or loss of time. Bound in boards, wiui cloth back 50 ctS. Bound in cloth, gilt back 75 Ct3. Tlie Art and Etiquette of Making Love Courtship and Matrimony. It tells A Manual of Love, JSow to cure hashfnlness. How to coni)nence a courtship, Hoiv to please a siueetheart or lover, How to write a love-letter, Hoiv to ''ijop the question.^'' Hovj to act before and after avroposal, How to accept or reject a proposal, How to break of an engagement, How to act after an engagement, How to act as bridesmaid or grooms- fnan. Hoiv the etiquette of a. wedding and the after reception should be observed, And. m fact, how to fulfill every duty and meet every contingency con- nected With courtship and matrimony. 17o pages. Paper covers '60 ctS. Bound in boards, cloth back .59 g^g, Frank Converse's Complete Banjo Imtmctor Without a Master. Containing a choice collection of Bnnjo Solos and Hornpipes. Walk Aronnds, Reels and Jigs. Songs and Banjo Stories, progressively arransred and plainly esplained. enabling the learner to become a proficient banjoist wirhout the aid of a teacher. The necessary explanations accorapanv each tune, and are placed under the notes on e'ach page, plainly showincr the sfcrijig required, the finger to be used for stopping it. the manner of striking, and the number of times it must be sounded. The Instructor is illustrated with diagrams and explanatory symbids. 100 pages. Bound in boards, cloth back 5O q^^ Hard Words Made Easy. Rules for Pronunciation and Accent ; Avith instructions how to pronounce French, Italian, German, Spanish, and other foreign names 12 ctS. Popular Books sent Eree of Postage at the Prices annexed. Rarey & Knowlson's Complete Korse Tamer and Farrier. AJS^ewand Impvoyed Edition, containing : Mr. Karej's AYbole Socn>t of Subduing- and iireaking Yic'ious Horses; His Imm'ovcd 'Plau of Alaiia<>ine: Young- Colts, and Urealiing thein to the Saddle, to Harness and the SulKv Ivules for ^electing- a Good Horse, and ior .Feeding- Horses. Also tlie Coin- plete Pariier or Horse Doctor; being- the result of hffv rears' extensive practice of the author, John C. Kuowlsou, during- his life an'English Carrier of high popularity ; contaiuiug- the latest diseov eries in t ho cure of Spavin 11- lustrated with descriptive eug-ravings. Bound in boards, cloth back. 50 cts. How to Amuse an Evening Party. A Complete collection of Home l^ocreations. Profusely Illustrated ^vith over Two Hinidred line "Wood-cuts, coiitaininpr liound Games and Forfeit Games. Parlor Ma«»-ic and Curious Puzzles, Comic Hiversious and Pai-lor Tricks, Scie'ititic Kecreations and Evening- Amusements. A young man with this volume may render him- self the beau idi'tdo^i a delightfid companion at everv party, and win the hearts of all the ladies, by his powers of entertidnment. Bbimd in orna- mental paper covers ^q -.*„ Bound in boards, with cloth back .,..,,. .,,.\ '. * .5 cts". Frost's Laws and By-Laws of American Society. A Com- ?lete Treatise on Etiquette. Containin^r plain and Eeliable Directions for )eportmeiit in every Situation in Eife, by 8. A. Frost, author of "Frost's Letter-Writer." etc. This is a book of ready reference on tiie nsai»es of So- ciety at all times and oa all occasions, and also a reliable guide in ine details of deportment ami polite beliavior. Paper covei-s 30 Ct3. Eound in boards, with cloth biick 50 cts! Frost's Original Letter- Writer, A coBiplete collection of Orig- inal Letters 'and Xotes. upon every imaginable subject of Every-Lay Life, ■v\ith plain dii'cc'.ions about everything- connected \\\ih writing a'letter. By S. A. Erost. To uhich is added a comprehensive Table of Synonyms, alone ■worth double the price asked fur the book. AVe assure our readers that i: is the best collection of letters ever published in this country; tliey are Avritten in plain and natural language, and elegant in style without being high-flown. Eound in boards, cloth back, with illuminjded sides 00 cts, North's Book of Love-Letters, ^ith directions how to write and when to nse thera, and 12() Specimen Letters, suitable for Lovers of any age and condition, and nudei' all circumstances. Interspersed w ith the au- thor's comments thereon. The -whole forming a convenieiu Hand-book of valuable information and counsel for the nse of those who need friendly [guidance and advice in matters of Love, Courtship and Marriage. By Li- g-oldsI)y Xorth. Eonnd in boa.rds .50 CtS. Eouud'in cloth 75 cts. How to Shine in Society; or, The Science of Conversation. Containing the principles, lavrs and general usages of polite society, includ- ing' easily applied hints and directions for commencing and sustaining an agreeable conversation, and for choosing' topics appropriate to the time, plnce and company, thus affording immense assistance to the bashful and diffident. 16mo. Paper covers k 5 CtiJ. The Poet's Companion, A Dictionary of all Allowable Ehymes in the English Language. This gives the Perfect, the Imperfect and Allow- able Ehymes, and will enable you to ascertain to a certainty Avhethcr an^ word can be mated. It is invaluable to anyone who desires to court the Muses, and is used by some of the best writers in the country 5^5 cts. Mind Your Stops. Punctuation made plain, and Composition simplified for Readers, Writers and Talkers j 2 cts. Five Hundred French Phrases. A book giving all the French "words and maxims in general use in writing the English language.. .1.0 ctSi Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. Sut Lovin^ood. Yams spun by ''A T^at'ral^Bom DumM Tool/' Warped anl AVove for Public "Wear, by Geur-e "\» . Harris, lilustrutcd with eiu'lit fine full pag-e eugraviugs, from designs by Iloward. It ^ould bo ditficult. we tiiink, to'crauT a larger amouut of paiigeiit humor into 303 pno-es than will be found in this regally funny book." The Preiace ar;d Ped- ica1;ion are models of slv simplicity, and the l!4 Sketclies which follow are among the best specimeris of bmad burlesqne to which the genius of tho ludicrous, for which the Soutliwest is so distinguished, has yet given birih. 12mo, tinted paper, cloth, giit edges ^.l.o J TJliele Josh's Tmnkful of Fun. Containing a rich collection of Xeiv Conundrums, Mirih-Provoldng CurioKS Puzzles, Aimisin^ Card Comical Stories, Cruel Sells, Side- Splitting Jokes, Humorous Foet- Quaint Parodies, Burlesque Ser- mons, Tricks, and A-:fthe learner, viz.: JN'o. 1 — Por G-eaeral Book-keeping, pages 4 and o ; for Cash Account on page 13; for Dav-Book in Single Eiitry, pages 15 to 25. ICo. 2— For Condensed Ac- counts', pages 9 and'iJ ; for Cash Account, page r2; for Journal in Double Entry, pages 34 to 43. No. 3 -For Ledgers in Double or Single Entry, pages 26to'44. Each Number 5U CtS. How to Learn the Sense of 3,000 French Wor^ in one Hour. This ingenious little book actually accomplishes all that its title claims. It is a fact that there are at least tliree thousand ^'ords in the Erench language, forming a large proportion of those used in ordinary con- versation, which are spelled exactly the same as in English, or become the same by very slight and easily understood changes in tneir termination. 16- mo, illuminated paper covers 25 Ct3. How to Speak in Public; or, The Art of Extempore Oratory. A valuable manual for those who desire to become ready olf-hand speakers ; containing clear directions how to arrange ideas logically and quickly, in- eluding illustrations, by the an.ilysis of speeches delivered by some of the greatest orators, exemplifying the importance of correct empliatiis, clearncs.v of articulation, and appropriate gesture. Paper covers ^:5 CtS. Live and Learn. A guide for all those who Tvish to speak and write correctly; particularlv bitended as a Book of Reference for the solu- tion of dirticulties connected with Grammar, Composition, Punctuation, er coyers 50 cts. Bound in boards, with cloth back J 5 cts. Bound ill cloth, gilt side and back $1..^5 Hoyle 's Games. -A- complete Manual of the laws that govern all games of skill and chance, including Card Games, Chess, ('lieckers, Domi- noes, Backgammcm. Dice. Billiards (as ])layed in this country at the present time), and all Fndd Games. Entirely oiiginal, or thoioughly revised from the latest and best American authorities. I'aper coyers 50 ctS. Boards 75 cts. Cloth, gilt side Si.25 Wallier's Cribbage Made Easy. Being a new and complete Treatise on the Game in nil varieties. By George Walker, Esq. A very comprehensive work on this Game. It contains over 5UU examples of how to discard for your own and your adversary's crib. 142 pages, bound iu boards 50 ctS. 100 Tricks With Cards Exposed and Explained. By J. H. Green, the Eeforn^ed Gambler. 'This book exposes and explains all iho Mysteries of the Gambling Tables. It is interesting not only to those \s ho play, but to those who do not. Paper covers SO cts. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 cts. How Gamblers Win; or, Tlie Secrets of Advantage Play- ing* Exposed. Being a complete and scientific expose of the manner of playing all the various advantages in the various Card Games, as practiced by professional gamblers. This work is designed as a warning to self-confi- dent card-players. Bound in boards, Avith cloth back 50 ctS. DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, Box 3975. NE"W YVUIS.. Popular Eook3 sent Free of Postage at tlie Prices annexed. Martme s Sensible Letter- Writer. Being a comprehensiYe and complete Guide and Assistant for those -^ho desire to cam" on Episto- lary Correspondence; containino.- a larie collection of model letters on the simx)lest matters of life, adapted to ail ages and conditions— EMBRACING, Letters of Courtesy, Friendship and Affection ; Letters of Condolence and Sympathy ; A Choice Collection of Lovc-Lcttcrs, for Every Situation in a Courtship ; Notes of Ceremony. Familiar Invita- tions, etc., together ivith Xotes of Acccp>tance and Regret. JBusiness Letters ; Aijpllcatlons for Employment, with Letters of Fecommendation and Ansiuers to Advertisement'^ ,- Letters hetiveen Farents and Children; Letters of Friendly Counsel and Fe- inonsfrance ; Letters soliciting Advice, Assistance and Friendly Favors ; The whole containin;? 300 Sensible Letters and Xotes. This is an inyalua- ble book for those persons Mho have not had smlicient practice to enable them to write letters without great clibrt. It contains such a yariety of letters, that models may be found to suit every subject. 2j7 patrcs, bound in boards, cloth back 50 cts. Eoimd in cloth 75 ctS. Martine's Hand-Eook of Etiquette and Giiide to True Politeness. A complete Manual for ail those who desire to understand good breeding, the customs of good society, and to avoid incorrect and vulgar habits. Containing clear and comprehensive directions for correct manners, conversation, dress, introductions, rides for good behavior at Dinner Parties and the Table, with hints on carving rind wine at table; t(\gether with the Eiiquette of t!ie Ball and Assembly Boom, Evening Parties, and the usages to be observed when visiting or receiving c:dls; Deportment in the sireet and when traveling. To which is added the Eti- quette of Courtship, Marriage, Domestic Duties and tifty-six rules to be ob- served in general society. Ey Arthur Martine. Bound* in boards . .50 et3. Bound in cloth, gUt sides 75 cts. Dick's Qnadrilie Call-Book and Ball-Eoom Prompter. Con- taining clear directions hoAv to call out the figures of every dance, with the quantity of music necessary for each figure, and simple explanations of all • the figures which occur in Plain and Fancy Quadrilles. This book gives plain and comprehensive instructions how to dance all the new and popular dances, fully describing The Opening March or Folonaise, Various Flain and Fancy Quadrilles, Waltz and Glide Quadrilles, Flain Lancers and Caledonians, Glide Lancers and Caledoiiians, Saratoga Lancers, The FaHsian Varieties, The Frince Imperial Set, Social and Basket Quadrilles, Ni7ieF*in and Star Quadrilles, Gavotte and Minuet Quadrilles, March and Cheat Quadrilles, Favorite Jigs and Contra-Dances, Folka and Folka Jiedowa, Fedoiva and Fedoiva Waltz, Folka Mazourka and Old Stifle Waltz, Modern Plain Waltz and Glide, Boston Fij) and Hoj) Waltz, Five-Step Waltz and Schotti.^che, Varsovienne arid Zulma L' Orientale, Galop and Deux Temps, Esmeralda, Sicilienne, Banish Dance, AND OVER ONE HUNDKED FIGUKES FOR THE *' GERMAN ;" To which is added a Sensible Guide to Etiquette and Proper Deportment in the Ball and Assembly Koom, besides seventy pages of dance music for the piano. paper covers 50 cts. Bound in boards 75 cts« Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. Lola Montez' Arts of Beauty; or, Secrets of a Lady's Toilet With hints to Gentlemen on the Art of Faseinatina. Lula Monicz here explaiijs all the Arts employed by tlie celcbi-iUed beauties and lasbioi- able ladies in Parin and other cities of Europe, for the purpose of j,rescrviiv their beauty and improving and develo[)in.;- their charms. The ] ceipc.s are all clearly iz-iven, so that any person can understand them, and the work em- braces the followinj;- subjects : How to obtain such desirable and in- A Soft a }id Abundant Jlcad of Hair- dispensable attractions as A Hand- Also' How to lieinedy (iray Hair- ' some Form ; ^ And harmless but effectual methods of A Brijht and Smooth Skin ; removing Superjhious Hair and A Beautiful ComjAexion ; other blemishes, tvith interesting in- Attraetiue Eyes, ATouth and LijJS ; formation on these and kindred A Beautiful Hand, Foot and Ankle; matters, A Well-trained Voice; Illuminated paper cover 25 cts. Hillgrove's Ball -Room Guide and Complete Dancing- Ma~vt3r. Containmir a plain treatise on Etiquette and JDeportment at Balls and Parties, with valuable hints on Dress and the Toilet, tog-ether with Full Explanations of the lludlmenfs;^ Terma, Figures and Steps used in Dancing; Including Clear and Precise Instruc- tions how to dance all kinds of Quad- o'illes, Waltzes, Folkas, liedowas, /»V<'Z.?, Hound, Plain and Fancy Dances, so that any person may learn them without the aid of a Teacher; To which is added easy directions how to call out the Figures of every dance, and th9 amount of music required for ench. Illustrated with 17'J descriptive en-ravings. Py T. ilillgrove, Professor of Danciuff. Bouud in cloth, with gilt side and back ^\ qq Pound in boards, with cloth back *...'.*. 75 ets. The Banjo, and Hew to Play it. Containing, in addition to the elementary studies, a choice cnllcction of Polkns. TTaltzes, Solos, Scliot- tisches. Songs, Hornpipes, Ji^'-s, liccls, etc.. Aviih full explanations of both the •' Banio'" and "G-aitur" stybs of execution, and designed to impnrt a complete knowledge t)f the art of playing the Bunjo prac tic illy, without the aid of a teacher. This work is arranged on the jn-ogressive system, sliow- ing the learner how to pliy the iirst few notes" of a tuiie, then the next notes, and soon, a email. portion at a time, until he lias mastered tho enliro piece, every detail being as clearly and tlioroughly explained as if he liad a teacher at his elbow all the time". By Frank H.Converse, author of the "Banjo without a Master." 16mo, bouud in boards, cloth back. .50 clS. Row's national Wa^^es Tables. Showing at a glance the amount of wages from half an hour to sixty hours, at from $1 to $37 per week. Also from one-quarter of a dny to four weeks, at S 1 to -f 37 per week. By Xelsou Eow. By tliis book, whiclVis particularly useful when jiart of a week, day or hour is lost, a laru'o pay-roll can be made out in a few minutes, thus saving more time in making out one pay-roll thiin the cost of the book. Every employer hiring help by the hour, day or week, and every employee, should obtain one, as it will enable him to know exactly the amount of money he is entitled to on pay-day. Half bound 50 ctS. Bow's Complete Fractional Ready-Eeckoner. For buying and selling any kind of merchandise, giving the fractional parts of a pound, yard, etc., from one-quarter to oiie thousand, at any price from on(3-quarter of a cent to five dollars. By jSTelson How. 3(jmo, 23 .• pages, boards . . 50 ctS. Blunders in Behavior Corrected. A book of Deportment for both Ladies and Gentlemen. By means of this hook you can learn the most difficult phases ia Etiquette, or behavior in ijood ,:ociet7, , , , 12 cts. Popular Books ssnt Free of Postage at tlie Prices annexed. Delisser's Horseman's Guide. Comprising the La^vs on War- ranty, and the Rules in purchasing- and selling horses, with the decisions and reports of various coui'ts in Europe and the United States ; to v^hich is added a detailed account of wliat constitutes soundness and unsoundness, and a precise method, simply laid down, for the examinatiou of horses, showing then' age to tliirty years old ; together witii an exposure of the Tarious" tricks and impositions practiced by low horse-dealers (jockeys) on inexperienced persons ; also, a valuable Table of each and every bone "in the structure of the Horse. By George P. Delisser, Veterinary Surgeon. Bound in boards, cloth back 75 cts. Bound in cloth 81.00 Bris'baiis's Golden Ready-Seckoner. Calculated in Dollars and Cents. Showing at once the amount or vakie of any number of articles or quantity of goods, or any merchandise, either by the gallon, quart, pint, ounce, pound, quarter, himdred, yard, foot, inch, bushel, etc., in an easy and - plain manner. To which are added Interest Tables, calculated in dollars and cents, for days and for montlis, at six per cent, and at seven per cent, per annum, alternately ; and a great number of other Tables and Kules for calculation never before in print. Bound in. boards 35 Ct3, How to Cook Potatoes, Apples, Eggs and Fish, Four Hundred Diifarent Ways, Otir lady friends will be surprised when they examine this book, and iihdthe great variety of ways that the same article may be prepared and cooked. The work especially recommends itself to those who are often embarrassed for want of variety in dislics suitable for the breakfast-table, or on occasions where the necessity arises for pre[)ariiig a meal at short notice. Paper covers SO Cl5. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 ct3. The American Housewife and Sitohsn Birector3r. This val- uable book embraces three hundred and seventy-eight reeip'^s''for cooldmr all sorts of American dishes in the most economical manner: il also contains a variety of important secrets for washing, cleainnT, scourinir and extracting grease, paint, stains and iron-mould from cloth, muslin and linen. Bound iii ornamental paper covers 80 cti. Bound iu boards, with cloth back 50 Ct3, How to Cook and How to Carve. Giving plain and easily understood directions for preparing and cookhig, with the greatest economy, every kind of dish, with complete instructions for serving the same. This book is just the thing for a young Housekeeper. It is worth a dozen of ex- pensive French books. Paper covers .30 Ct3, Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 ct.3. The American Home Cook Book. Containing several hun- dred excellent recipes. The whole based on many years' experience of an American Housewife. Hlustrated with engravings. All the Eecipes in this book are written from actual experience iu Cooking. Paper oO CtS. Bound in boards, cloth back .50 cts. The Yankee Cook Book. A nev^^ system of Cookery. Con- taining hundreds of excellent recipes from actual experience in Cooking; also, fidl explanations in the art of Carving. 126 pages, paper covers. ,30 ctS. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 CtS. How to Mix all Kinds of Fancy Drinks. Containing clear and reliable directions for mixing all the beverages used in the United States. EmbraciuiT Punches, Juleps, Cobblers, Cocktails, etc., etc., in endless variety. By Jerry Thomas. Illuminated paper covers 50 ctS, Bound iu full cloth ,,.,f ,,, 75 cts. PopxQar Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. / Wtat Shall We Do To-Mght? or, Social Aniusements for Evenms" Parties. This elee:ai]t book affords an almost inexhaustible fund of amusement for evening parties, social gatherings and all iestive occasions, ingeniously grouped together so as to lurnisircomplete and ever-varying entertainment for Twenty-six evenings. Its repertoire embraces all the^best round and forfeit games, clearly described and rendered perfectly plain by original and amusing examples, interspeiscd with a great variety of ingenicms puzzles, entertaining tricks and imioccnt sells ; iievv^ and oriuinal Musical and Poetical pastimes, startJing illusions and mirth-provoking exhibi- tions; including complete directions and text for performing Charades, Tableaux, Parlor Pantomimes, tiie world-renowned Punch and Judy, Gal- lanty Shows and oriuinal Shadow-pantomimes ; also, full informntion'forthe successful performance of Dramatic Dialogues and Parlor Theatricals, with a selection of Original Plays, etc., written expressly for this work. It is em- bellished with over one hundred d(>scri})tive and* explanatory engravings, and contains 3(36 pages, printed on line toned paper. Extra cloth. . .$2.U0 The Secret Out; or, 1,000 Tricks with Cards, and Other HenreatlOTlS. Illustrated with over 300 engravings. A Ijook which ex- plains all the Tricks and Deceptions with Playing Cards ever known, and gives, besides, a great many new ones. Tlie Mhole being described so care- fully, with engravino:s to illustrate them, that anybody can easily learn how- to perform tliem. This work al^-o contains 240 of\hc best Tricks^of Legerde- main, irx addition to the Oird Tricks. Such is the unerring jjrocessOf in- struction adopted in this volume, th^t no reader can fail to succeed in ex- ecuting every Trick, Experiment, Game, etc., set down, if lie will at all de- vote his attention, in his leisure hours, to the subject; and. as almost every trick Avith cards known "u ill be fou:id in this collection, it may be considered the only complete work on tlie subj'X^t ever jmblished. 12mo, 400 pages, bound in cloth, gilt side and back SI. 50 The Magician's Own Book ; or, The Whole Art of Con- juring". A complete hand-book of Parlor ^lagic, containing over a thou- sand Optical, Chemical, AJechanical, Magnetic and Magical Experiments, Amusing Transmutations, Astonisliing Sleights and Subtleties, Celebrated Card Deceptions, Ingenious Tricks with ^'umbers, curious and entertaining Puzzles, the Art of Secret AVriting, together with all the most noted tricks of modern performers. Illustrated with o\ov 5'i0 t\ ood-cnts, the whole forming a comprehensive guide for amateurs. 12mo, cloth, gilt $1,50 The Sociable ; or, One Thousand and Cne Home Amuse- ments!, Containing Acting Proverbs, Dramatic Charades, Acting Cha- rades or Drawing-room Pantomimes, Musical. Burlesques, Tableaux Vivants, Parlor Games, Games of Action, Forfeits, Science in Sport and Parlor Magic, and a choice collection of curious Mental and Mechanical Puzzles, etc. Illu>;tra[ed Avith numerous engravings and diagrams. The whole be- ing a fund of never-ending entertainment. 37(1 pages,cloth, gilt $1.50 Athletic SBOrts for Boys, A Eepository of Graceful Recrea- tions for Youth, containing clear and complete instrucUons in Gymnastics, Lim.b Exercises, Jumping, Pole-Leaping, Dumb Bells, Indian Clubs, Paral- lel Bars, the Horizontal 'r)ar, the Trapeze, the Suspended Popes, and the manly accomplishments of vSkating, Swimming, Powing, Sailing, Horse- manship, Biding, Driving, An "rling," Fencing and Broadsword. Illustrated with 194 wood-cuts. Bound in boards 75 cts. The Youns^ Reporter; or, How to Write Short-Hand. A Complete Phonographic Teacher, intended as a School-book, to aiford thor- ongli instructions to tbose who have not the assistance of an Oral Teacher. By the aid of this work, any perscni of the most ordinary intelligence may lo'irn to write S'lort -Hand, and report Sneeches and Sermons in a short time. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 CtS. Sent Free ®f :Postage on Keceipt of Price. The Biblical Reason Why. A Hand-Book for Biblical Students, and a gnide to family Scripture reading. This Tvork gives reasons founded upon the Bible, and assigned by the most eminent Divines and Christian Philosophers, for the great and all-absorbing events recorded in the History of the Bible, the Life of our Saviom* and the Acts of His Apostles. EXAMPLE. Why did the first patriarchs attain such extreme lo7igevity ? Why ims the term of life afterwards shortened ? Why are there several manifest varia- tions in nam^s, facts and dates, be- tween the books of Kings and Chron- icles? Why is the book of the Prophecies of Isaiah a strong proof of the authen- ticity of the ivhole Bible ? •* Why did our Saviour receive the name of Jesus? yVhy did John the Baptist hesitate to administer the rite of Baptistn to Jesus ? This volume answers 1,493 similar questions. Beautifully illus- trated. Large 12mo, cloth, gilt side and back $1.50 The Reason Why: General Science. A care- ful collection of reasons for some thousands of things which, though generally knovm, are imperfectly understood. A book for the million. This work assigns reasons for the thousands of things that daily fall under the eye of the intelligent observer, and of which he seeks a simple and clear explanation. EXAMPLE. What develops electricity in the clouds ? Why does dew form round drops upon the leaves of plants ? Why does silver tarnish when exposed to light? Why do some colors fade, and others darken, when exposed to the sun ? Why is the sky blue ? This volume answers 1^325 similar questions. 356 pages, bound in cloth, gilt, and embelMshed with a large number of wood- cuts, illustrating the various subjects treated of. =-.$1.50 The Reason Why: Natural History. Giving reasons for hundreds of interesting facts in connection with Zoology, and throwing a hght upon the pecuhar habits and in- stincts of "the various orders of the Animal Kingdom. EXAMPLE. Why has the lion such a large mane ? Why does the otter, tvhen hunting for fish, swim against the stream ? Why do dogs turn around tivo or three times before they lie down ? Why have fl.at fishes their upper sides dark, and their under sides white? Why do sporting dogs m^ake what is termed " a point ".? Why do birds often roost upon one leg ? Why do frogs keep their mouths closed ivhile breathing ? Why does the loren build several nests ^ but occupy only one ? This volume answers about 1,500 similar questions. Illustrated; cloth^ gilt side and back $1.50 SeiBt Free of Poslag^e on Receipt of Prit The American Boy's Book of Sports and Games. A Kepositoiy of In and Out-door Amusements for Boys and Youths. Containing 600 large 12mo pages. Illus- trated with nearly 700 engravings, designed by White, Herrick, Weir and Harvey, and engraved by I^. Orr. This is unquestion- ably the most attractive and valuable book of its kind ever issued in this or any other country. It vras three years in pr(?' paration, and embraces all the sports and games that tend to de- velop the physical constitution, improve the mind and heart, ^nd relieve the tedium of leisure hours, both in the parlor and iha field. The engravings are in the first style of the art, and embrace eight full-page ornamental titles, and two large c*)lored chromos^ illustrating the several departments of the work, beautifully printed on tinted paper. The book is issued in the best style, being printed on tine sized paper, and handsomely bound. Extra cloth, gilt side and back, extra gold, beveled boards $2.00 Jack Johnson's Jokes for the Jolly. A col- lection of Funny Stories, illustrating the Drolleries of Border Life in the "West, Yankee Peculiarities, Dutch Blunders, French Sarcasms, Irish Wit and Humor, etc. Illustrated paper covers 25 cts. Sent Free of :Postage on Receipt of Price. The Art and Etiquette of Making Love. A Manual of LovG; Courtshii) and Matrimony. It tells Mow to Cure Bashfulness ; How to Commence a Courtship,- Sow to Flease a S^ueetheart or Lover,- How to Write a Love-Letter ; How to ''Pop the Question""; How to Act Before and After a Pro- posal; How to Acceptor Reject a Proposal; Hoiu to Break off an Engagement; How to Act After an Engagement; Hoiv to Act as Bridesmaid or Grooms- man; How the Etiquette of a Wedding and the After-Reception Should he Observed; And; in fact, how to falfill every duty and meet every contin- gency connected with courtship and matrimony. It includes also a choice collection of sensible Letters suitable for aU the contingencies of Love and Comtship. 176 pages, paper covers 30 cts. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 cts. Dick's Quadrille Call-Book and Ball-Eoom Prompter, Containing clear dhections how to call out the figures of every dance, with the quantity of music nee .sary for each figure, and simple explanations of all the figure: d steps which occur in Plain and Fancy Quadrilles. Also, a i analy- sis and description of aU the"^ steps employed in 1 favorite round dances, fully describing : Tfie Opening March or Polonaise, Various Plain and Fancy Quadrilles, Waltz and Glide Quadrilles, Plain Lancers and Caledonians, Glide Lancers and Caledonians^ Saratoga Lancers, The Parisian Yarieties, The Prince Imperial Set. Social and Basket Quadrilles, Nine-Pin and Star Quadrilles, Gavotte and Minuet Quadrilles, March and Cheat Quadrilles, Favorite Jigs and Contra-Dances, Polka and Polka Redoiva, Redowa and Redoiva Waltz, Polka Mazourka and Old Style Waltz, Modern Plain Waltz and Glide, Boston Dip and Hop Waltz, Five- Step Waltz and Schottlsche, Varsovienne, and Zidma L'Orienfale, Galop and Deux Temps, Esmeralda, Sicilienne, Danish Dance, AND OVER ONE HUIN'DRED FIGURES FOR THE ^^GERMAJN" '/^ To Which is added a Sensible Guide to Etiquette and Proper De- portment in the Ball and Assembly Eoom, besides seventy pages of dance music for the piano. Paper covers 50 CtS. Bound in boards - 75 cts. Sent S^'ree of Postage on Receipt of Price* Uncle Josh's Trunkful of Fun. A portfolio of first-class Wit and Humor, and never-ending source of JoUity. C0NTAIKI:N^G a EICH COLLECTIOi^ OF Comical Stories, Cruel Sells, Side- Splitting Jokes, Humorous Poetry, Quaint Parodies, Burlecque Sermons, Keiv Conundrums, Mirth-Provoking Speeches, Curious Puzzles, Amusing Card Tricks, and Astonishing Feats of Parlor-Magic ^<£ This book is illustrated \nth nearly 200 Funny Engravings, and contains 64 large octavo double- column pages 15 cts. Barber's American Book of Ready-Made Speeches. Containing 159 original examples of Humorous and Serious Speeches^ suitable for every possible occasion where a speech may be called for, with appropriate rephes to each. IlTCLUDlxa Presentation Speeches. Convivial Speeches. Festival Speeches. Addresses of Congratulation, Addresses of Welcome. Addresses of Complim,ent. Political Speeches. Dinner and Supper Speeches for Clubs, etc. With this book any person may prepare himself to make a neat little speech^ or reply to one when called upon to do so. They are all short, appropriate and witty^ and even ready speakers may profit by them. Paper ,50 cts. Bound in boards^ cloth back 75 cts. ! Of-Ha7id Speeches on a Variety of ) Subjects. I Miscellaneous Speeches. j Toasts and Sentiments for Public and I Private Ent^tainments. Preambles and Resolutions of Con- gratulation, Compliment and Con- dolence. SeiiS ^ree of ff*®stage oai Keceipt of ff*rice« The Amateur Trapper and Trap-Maker's Guide. ^ complete and careMly prepared treatise on the art of Trapping; Snaring and i^etting ; containing plain directions for constructing the most approved Traps^ Snares, ITets and Dead-Falls ; the best methods of applying them to their varions purposes ; and the most successful Baits for attracting all kinds of Animals, Birds, etc., with their special uses in each case ; in- troducing receipts for preparing Skins and Furs for Market. Th^ entire work is based on the experience of the most suece?3sftil Trappers, and on information derived from other authentic pro- fessional sources. By Stanley Harding. This comprehensive work is embellished with fifty well drawn and engraved illustra- tions ; and these, together with the clear explanations which ac- company them, will enable anybody of moderate comprehension to make and set any of the traps described. IT TELLS How to make all kinds of Traps; Mow to make all kinds of Snares; Sow to Set and Secure Traps; JSoiv to Attract Animals from a I>iS' tance; Hoiv to Prepare Baits; Sow to Bait a Trap; Sow to Trap or Snare all kinds of Animals; Sow to Trap or Snare Birds of everif descHption; Sow to Cure a^id Tan Skins ; Sow to Skin and Btuff Birds or Animals. It also gives the baits usually employed by the most successful Hunters and Trappers, and exposes their secret methods of at- tracting and catching Animals, Bh'ds^ etc., with scarcely a pos- sibility of failure. Large 16mo, paper covei^ 50 cts. Bound in boards^ cloth back 75 cts. How to Write a Composition. This original work will be found a valuable aid in writing a composition on any topic. It lays down plain directions for the division of a subject into its appropriate heads, and for arranging them in their natural order, commencing with the simplest theme, and advanc- ing progressively to more complicated subjects. Paper. . 30 ctS. Bound ia boards^ cloth back* .,,.,,,,,,,,,,.,•,,,,.,, .50 Cfcs* Sent Free of Postage on Receipt of Price. The Magician's Own Book. One of the most ex- traordinary and interesting volmnes ever printed — containing the Whole Art of Conjnring; and all the Discoveries in Magic e\ er made, either by ancient or modern philosophers. IT EXPLAINS All Sleight of Hand Tricls; Tricts and Deceptions with Cards; The Magic of ChcmiMry ; Mysterious Experinicnts in Electricity and Oatvanism; The Magic of Fneumatics^ Aerostatics, Optics, etc.; The Magic of Numbers; Curious Tricl's in Geometry; Mysterious and' Amusing Puzzles, and ans'wers thereto; The Magic of Art; Miscellaneous Tricks and Experir merits; Curious Fancies, etc.,, etc. The trices are all illnstrated hy Engraving and Tables, so as to make them easily nnderstood and practiced. As a volume for the amusement of an evening pai'ty, this book cannot be sur- passed. Gilt binding^ 362 pages $1.50 East Lynne ; or, The Earl's Daughter. Li- brary ecfition, complete and unabridged. This novel is Mrs. Henry T^ood's mastei-piece, and stands in the very front ank of all the works of fiction ever written ; it has scarcely a riv ^ as a brilliant creation of literary genius, and is prominent among the very few works of its class t£at have stood the test of time, and achieved a lasting reputation. In originality of design, and masterly and dramatic development of the subject, East* Lynne stands unrivaled ; it will be read and re-read long after the ma- jority of the ephemeral romances of to-day have parsed out of existence and been forgotten. A handsome 12mo volume of 598 pages, from new electrotype plates, printed on fine toned paper, and elegantly bound in cloth, in black and gold. . .$1»50 gent Free of Postage on Receipt of Price. "Trump's" American Hoyle ; or, Gentleman^s Hand-Book of Games. This work contains an exhaustive treatise on Whist^ by William Pole, F.K.S., and the rules for playing that game as laid down by the Hon. James Clay. It also contains clear descriptions of all the games played in the United States, with the American rules for playing them ; including £uchre, Bezique, Cribhafje, Baccara, [ California Jack, Cassino, Chess, All Fours. Loo, Fcler, Brag, Piquet, Checkers, Backgarnmon, Billiards, Pedro Sancho, Penuchle, llailroad Dominoes, and a hundred other Euchre. Jack Pots, Ecarie, Boston, 4. 4. f This work is designed as an American authority in all ^,ames ot skiU and chance, and will settle any disputed pointr It has been prepared with great care, and is not a re-hash of English games, but a live American booiJ, expressly prepared for Amer- ican players. The American Hoyle contains 525 pages, is printed on fine white paper, bound in cloth, with extra gilt side and beveled boards^ and is profusely iUustrated $2.00 Spayth's American Draught Player ; or, The Theory and Practice of the Scientific Game of Checkers. Simplified and Illustrated with Practical Diagrams. Containing upwards of 1^700 Games and Positions. By Henry Spayth. Fifth edition, with over two hundred Corrections an^ Im. p^-pvcmcnts. Containmg: The Standard Laws of the Garne--^ ytilt Instructions— Draught Board iS^umbered— JS'ames of the Oames> and bow formed— The '' Theory of the Move and its . • Signs Treoti^r3 ^iiid Piiblications chronoiogiccj; Botmc ID. cloth, gilt side and back Sent Free of Postage on Receipt of Price. Sut LovingOOd. Yams spun by *' A Nat ral Bom Dnni'd Fool/' :\^arped and Woye for Public "Wear by George "W. Harris. IlliistJrated with eight fine fall page^ 'ja^ravin^, from designs by Howard. It wonld be difficulty we think, to cram a larger amount of pungent humor into 300 pages than will be found in this really funny book. The Preface and Dedication are models of sly simplicity, and the 24 Sketches which follow are among the best specimens of broad burlesque to which tho genius of the ludicrous, for which the Southwest is so distin- guished, has yet given birth. Cloth, gilt edges $1.50 How to Conduct a Debate. A Series of Complete Debates, Outlines of Debates, and Questions for Discussion. In the complete debates, the questions for discussion are defined, the debate formally opened, an array of brilliant argum^^' : adduced on either side, and the debate closed accord^Bfj liamentary usages. The second part consi^^'^ yi gwo?i debate, with heads of arguments, f^^ ^ . a^rainst, . condensed form for the speak^^ ./^^e upon t own fancy. In addi^^or • int ^ a/e % AT- jtion of DeMtaMe Q^iesUon: T^^ oiitie-s .0 be referred to for InforhTLatitJii ' .Im 2.;v p.;, / ■ . 50 OtS, Bmnd i