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 XoTE.— This autograpb may be relicil on as autlicntic. as il was written by cue of | 
 Mr. Sqiiibobs most intimate friends. \ 
 
PHCENIXIANA; 
 
 OB, 
 
 SKETCHES AND BURLESQUES, 
 
 BY 
 
 JOHN PHOENIX. pAJo^^ 
 
 In the name of the Prophet — Figs." 
 
 TWELFTH EDITION. 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 D. APPLETON AND COMPANY 
 
 443 & 445 BKOADWAY. 
 1860. 
 

 Entered according to Act of Congress, iu the year 1855, by 
 
 D. APPLETON & COMPANY, 
 
 in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern 
 
 Dlatrlctof ^iew Yorli. 
 
 Gift 
 
 ll^rjt f-ijvy £ioo*c GOi« ^ 
 
 ^^^\' fH, *®3^ 
 
TO 
 
 DR. CHAELES M. HITCHCOCK, 
 
 OF SAN FRANCISCO, 
 ItY EAELIE8T, KINDEST, AND MOST CONSTANT FRIENO, 
 
 ABB AFFECTIONATELY DEDICATED 
 BY 
 
 THE AUTHOB. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 This book is merely a collection of sundry sketclies, 
 recently puMislied in the newspapers and magazines 
 of California. They were received with, approval, sep- 
 arately, and it is to be hoped they may meet with it 
 on their appearance in a collected form. When first 
 published, the Author supposed he had seen and heard 
 the last of them, but circumstances entirely beyond 
 his control have led to their republication. 
 
 The Author does not flatter himself that he has 
 made any very great addition to the literature of the 
 age, by this performance ; but if his book turns out to 
 be a very bad one, he will be consoled by the reflec- 
 tion that it is by no means the first, and probably will 
 not be the last of that kind, that has been given to 
 the Public. Meanwhile, this is, by the blessing of 
 
6 PREFACE. 
 
 Divine Providence, and tlirougli the exertions of tlie 
 Immortal Washington, a free country ; and no man 
 can be compelled to read any thing against his inclina- 
 tion. With unbounded respect for every body, 
 The Author remains, 
 
 JOHN PHCENIX. 
 
 San Feanoisco, July 15, 1855. 
 
A WORD TO THE READER. 
 
 It is proper to state, tliat while tlie following pages are 
 collected with the permission of the Author, and thus pre- 
 sented in a book-form, he has yet himself not been consulted 
 in any manner in relation to the order of arrangement of its 
 contents ; and it is quite probable, that his severer taste and 
 better judgment might have operated to exclude some things 
 which are here embraced. The Editor can only say, that 
 preparing the volume hastily for the press, he has done the 
 best he could in the premises ; and only begs that the sin of 
 omission or of commission that may be observable in these 
 pages, should not be visited upon the head of the Author. 
 
 J. J. A. 
 
 Ban Dibqo, Cal., October, 1855. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 fLan 
 
 Official Report of Professor John Phcenix, A. M 13 
 
 Of a Military Survey and Eeconnoissance of the Koute from San Fran- 
 cisco to the 3Iission of Dolores, made with a view to ascertain the 
 practicability of connecting those points by a Eailroad. 
 
 A New System of English Graiumae, 32 
 
 Musical Review Extraordinary, 43 
 
 Theatrical Criticism— The Performance of Tarbox's " Ode Symphonic," 
 " The Plains," at the San Diego Odeon. 
 
 Lectures on Astronomy, 61 
 
 Introductory— Chapter I. The Sun. Chapter II. Mercury, Venus, tho 
 Earth, the Moon. 
 
 Pistol Shooting — A Counter Challenge, 67 
 
 Antidote for Fleas, 71 
 
 Ph(enix at the Mission Dolores, 73 
 
 Squibob in Benicia, 78 
 
 Squibob in SoNoaiA, 85 
 
10 CONTENTS. 
 
 Squibob in San Francisco, 89 
 
 PsGEaax Installed Editor of the San Diego Her<vld, 95 
 
 H>i Salutatory— Mr. Kerren and the Chaplain — The Squire's Story— Ad- 
 vertises for a Library— The Comedy of Errors— Intervie-w between 
 Governor Bigler and Judge Ames — The San Diego Boys run forty- 
 «igM hours— Phoenix advertises for a Servant — An apt Quotation — 
 '^haxley Poole's Water-" Many a Slip 'tween the Cup and the Lip " 
 —Discourses on Matters Political — Eeceives a Communication from 
 ■♦Leonidas "-Comments thereon— An incident of the Election— A 
 Game of Poker— Courageous Attack on a Spaniard— A Syllogism— 
 Eeturn of the Editor— Phoenix's Valedictory— Defends his erratic Ed- 
 itorial course, and finally turns Democrat— Interview between the 
 Editor and Phoenix — Desperate Personal Encounter, in which both 
 parties get badly beaten — The matter amicably settled " without pre- 
 judice to the honor of either party." 
 
 Illustrated Newspapers, ■. 116 
 
 Phoenix issues an Illustrated edition of the Herald- Magnificent and 
 costly engravings, including the celebrated first interview between 
 Mrs. Harriet Beecher Stowe and the Duchess of Sutherland— 
 Landseer's View of a San Diego Eanch. 
 
 SaNDYAGO— A SOLOQUT, 121 
 
 Fourth of July Celebration in San Diego, 126 
 
 Procession— Oration— Dinner, &c. 
 
 Melancholy Accident, 129 
 
 Death of a Young Man— Mr. Mudge's Durge on the Deth of the Same— 
 Also an Epitafil 
 
 Second, Third and Fourth Editions of the Pictorial Herald, 133 
 A Full Account of the Formation of the San Francisco An- 
 
 TIQUARL4N SoCIETY, AND CALIFORNIA ACADEMY OF ArTS AND 
 
 Sciences, i38 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 11 
 
 PAGB 
 
 The Ladies' Relief Soceity, 146 
 
 Extraordinary Proceedings— Strong-minded Women— Phoenix horror- 
 stricken at finding his wife among them— He swoons— Is discovered 
 and is unceremoniously kicked out of the Eoom. 
 
 Inauguration op the New Collector of Customs, in San Fran- 
 cisco. Tremendous Excitement ! 151 
 
 Squibob "Down on" Street Introductions 161 
 
 Squibob at the Play, 165 
 
 "What he saw and heard there— Another Squibob in the Field— The origi- 
 nal is killed by the Evening Journal — An instructive Fable. 
 
 The Literary Contribution Box, 172 
 
 Lines to Lola Montes. 
 
 A Very Mournful Chapter, 176 
 
 Giving the particulars of Squibob's Death— A Spiritual Medium ex- 
 perimenting with the Corpse — Judge Edmonds thrown completely 
 in the shade— Startling Manifestations — Squibob Eesurrected I— His 
 Last Words — He expires for the last time " positively without re- 
 serve." 
 
 Return of the Collector from Stockton, 181 
 
 Thrilling and Frantic Excitement among Office-Seckers — Procession and 
 Speech. 
 
 Phcenix Takes an Affectionate Leave of San Francisco, 188 
 
 PncENix IS ON THE Sea, 194 
 
 The Steamer Northerner — Capt. Isham — Dick "Whiting, the ne plus ul- 
 tra of Steamboat Captains— The Downfall of a brace of " Snobs "— 
 Curses, loud and deep— Arrival at San Diego. 
 
12 CONTENTS. 
 
 FAGB 
 
 Phoenix in San Diego, 201 
 
 Description of the Plaza— Prediction as to its Future Importance— Old 
 Town— Who he met there, and what he thought of them, &c., &c. 
 
 Camp Eeminiscences, 209 
 
 Dennis Mulligan and the Owl — A Dinner ; choice of Dishes— Col. S 
 
 at Church, thinjdng aloud— Col. Magrudcr's Serenade Party : " My 
 name is Jake Keyser." 
 
 John Phoenix TO the "Pioneer," 21G 
 
 Pulaski Jacks— Call and Tuttle— The "Washington Ladies' Depository. 
 
 Review of New Books, 220 
 
 Life and Times of Joseph Brower the elder. 
 
 Phcenix at Benicia, 229 
 
 The Methodist Elder— Dr. Tushmaker's Invention— Its Application- 
 Fatal Consequences— Maritime Anecdote— The Schooner " Two Su- 
 sans " atd Miss Tarbos. 
 
 Lectures on Asteonojiy (Continued), 236 
 
 Correspondence— Mars— Jupiter— Saturn — Herschel — Neptune— The 
 Asteroids— The Fixed Stars. 
 
 A Legend of the Tehabia House, 254- 
 
 Interesting Correspondence, 270 
 
PHCENIXIANA 
 
 OFFICIAL EEPOET 
 
 OF 
 
 PEOFESSOE JOHN PHCENIX, A. M. 
 
 Of a Military Survey and Reconnoissance of the route from San Francisco to the 
 
 Mission of Dolores, made with a view to ascertain the practicability 
 
 of connecting those points hy a Bailroad.* 
 
 Mission of Doloees, Feb, 15, 1S55. 
 
 It having "been definitely determined, that the great Rail- 
 road, connecting the City of San Francisco with the head of 
 navigation on Mission Creek, should be constructed without 
 unnecessary delay, a large appropriation ($120,000) was 
 granted, for the purpose of causing thorough military ex- 
 aminations to be made of the proposed routes. The routes, 
 which had principally attracted the attention of the public, 
 were " the Northern," following the line of Brannan Street, 
 " the Central," through Folsom Street, and " the extreme 
 Southern," passing over the " Old Plank Eoad " to the Mis- 
 
 * The Mission Dolores is only 2^ miles from the City Hall of San Francisco, and 
 a favorite suburban locality, lying within the limits of the City Survey. This fact 
 noted for the benefit of distant readers of these sketches. 
 
14 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 
 
 sion. Eacii of these proposed routes has many entliusiastio 
 advocates; but "the Central" was, undoubtedly, the favorite 
 of the public, it being more extensively used by emigrants 
 from San Francisco to the Mission, and therefore more 
 widely and favorably known than the others. It was to the 
 examination of this route, that the Committee, feeling a con- 
 fidence (eminently justified by the result of my labors) in my 
 experience, judgment and skill as a Military Engineer, ap- 
 pointed me on the first instant. Having notified that Honor- 
 able Body of my acceptance of the important trust confided 
 to me, in a letter, wherein I also took occasion to congratu- 
 late them on the good judgment they had evinced, I drew 
 from the Treasurer the amount ($40,000) appropriated for 
 my peculiar route, and having invested it securely in loans 
 at three per cent a month (made, to avoid accident, in my 
 own name), I proceeded to organize my party for the ex- 
 pedition. 
 
 In a few days my arrangements were completed, and my 
 scientific corps organized, as follows : — 
 
 JonN PncENis, A. M. . . . Principal Engineer and Chief Astronomer. 
 
 ^ ( Apocryphal Engineers. First Assistant As- 
 
 LiETjT, Minus Root . . . •< . 
 
 ( tronomer. 
 
 r -KT K r7 S Hypercritical Engineers. Second Assistant 
 
 Lieut. Nonplus A. Zero . . • i * i_ 
 
 ( Astronomer. 
 
 Db. Abraham Dunshunnee 
 Dk. Taegee Heayysteenb 
 Heee Von Dee Weegates . 
 De. Fogy L. Bigguns 
 De. Tushmakee .... 
 Enet Halfeed Jinkins, E, A. 
 Adolphe Keaut .... 
 
 Hi Fun 
 
 James Phcenix, (my older brother) 
 Joseph Phcenix, ditto, 
 
 Geologist. 
 
 Naturalist. 
 
 Botanist, 
 
 Ethnologist. 
 
 Dentist. 
 
 •< Draftsmen. 
 
 Interpreter. 
 
 Treasurer, 
 
 Quarter-Master. 
 
OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. l5 
 
 William PnosNix, (younger brother) Commissary. 
 
 Peter Piicenix, ditto, Clerk. 
 
 Paul Ph(enix, (my cousin) Sutler. 
 
 Reuben PncENis, ditto, "Wagon-Master. 
 
 RicHAUD PnoENis, (second cousin) Assistant ditto. 
 
 These gentlemen, with one hundred and eighty-four 
 laborers employed as teamsters, chainmen, rodmen, etc., 
 made up the party. For instruments, we had 1 large 
 Transit Instrument (8 inch acromatic lens), 1 Mural Circle, 
 1 Altitude and Azimuth Instrument (these instruments 
 were permanently set up in a mule cart, which was backed 
 into the plane of the true meridian, when required for use), 
 13 large Theodolites, 13 small ditto, 8 Transit Compasses, 
 17 Sextants, 84 Artificial Horizons, 1 Sidereal Clock, and 
 184 Solar Compasses. Each employee was furnished with 
 a gold chronometer watch, and, by a singular mistake, a 
 diamond pin and gold chain; for directions having been 
 given, that they should be furnished with " cliains andpins,^^ 
 — meaning of course such articles as are used in surveying 
 — Lieu'b. Root, whose " zeal somewhat overran his discre- 
 tion," incontinently procured for each man the above-named 
 articles of jewelry, by mistake. They were purchased at 
 Tucker's (where, it is needless to remark, " you can buy a 
 diamond pin or ring)," and afterwards proved extremely 
 useful in our intercourse with the natives of the Mission of 
 Dolores, and indeed, along the route. 
 
 Every man was suitably armed, with four of Colt's re- 
 volvers, a Minie rifle, a copy of Col. Benton's speech on the 
 Pacific Railroad, and a mountain howitzer. These last- 
 named heavy articles required each man to be furnished with 
 
16 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 
 
 a wheelbarrow for their transportation, which was accordingl;^ 
 done ; and these vehicles proved of great service on the sur- 
 vey, in transporting not only the arms but the baggage of the 
 party, as well as the plunder derived from the natives. A 
 squadron of dragoons, numbering 150 men, under Capt. Mc- 
 Spadden, had been detailed as an escort. They accordingly 
 left about a week before us, and we heard of them occasion- 
 ally on the march. 
 
 On consulting with my assistants, I had determined to 
 select, as a base for our operations, a line joining the summit 
 of Telegraph Hill with the extremity of the wharf at Oak- 
 land, and two large iron thirty-two pounders were accord- 
 ingly procured, and at great expense imbedded in the earth, 
 one at each extremity of the line, to mark the initial points. 
 On placing compasses over these points to determine the bear- 
 ing of the base, we were extremely perplexed by the unac- 
 countable local attraction that prevailed; and were compelled, 
 in consequence, to select a new position. This we finally 
 concluded to adopt between Fort Point and Saucelito ; but, 
 on attempting to measure the base, we were deterred by the 
 unexpected depth of the water intervening, which, to our sur- 
 prise, was considerably over the chain bearers' heads. Dis- 
 liking to abandon our new line, which had been selected with 
 much care and at great expense, I determined to employ in 
 its measurement a reflecting instrument, used very success- 
 fully by the United States Coast Survey. I therefore 
 directed my assistants to procure me a " Heliotrope," but 
 after being annoyed by having brought to me successively a 
 
OFFICIAL RErORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 17 
 
 sweet-smelling shrub of that name, and a box of " Lubin's 
 Extract " to select from, it was finally ascertained, tbat no 
 such instrument could be procured in California. In this 
 extremity, I bethought myself of using as a substitute the 
 flash of gunpowder. Wishing to satisfy myself of its practi- 
 cability by an experiment, I placed Dr. Dunshunner at a dis- 
 tance of forty paces from my Theodolite, with a flint-lock 
 musket, carefully primed, and directed him to flash in the 
 pan, when I should wave my hand. Having covered the 
 Doctor with the Theodolite, and by a movement of the tan- 
 gent screw placed the intersection of the cross lines directly 
 over the muzzle of the musket, I accordingly waved; when I 
 was astounded by a tremendous report, a violent blow in the 
 eye, and the instantaneous disappearance of the instrument. 
 
 Observing Dr. Dunshunner lying on his back in one 
 direction, and my hat, which had been violently torn from 
 my head, at about the same distance in another, I concluded 
 that the musket had been accidentally loaded. Such proved 
 to be the case ; the marks of three buckshot were found in 
 my hat, and a shower of screws, broken lenses and pieces of 
 brass, which shortly fell around us, told where the ball had 
 struck, and bore fearful testimony to the accuracy of Dr. 
 Dunshunner's practice. Believing these experiments more 
 curious than useful, I abandoned the use of the "Heliotrope" 
 or its substitutes, and determined to reverse the usual pro- 
 cess, and arrive at the length of the base line by subsequent 
 triangulation. I may as well state here, that this course 
 was adopted and resulted to our entire satisfaction ; the dis- 
 
18 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 
 
 tance from Fort Point to Saucelito "by tlie solution of a mean 
 of 1,867,434,926,465 triangles, being determined to be 
 exactly three hundred and twenty-four feet. This result 
 differed very much from our preconceived ideas and from the 
 popular opinion ; the distance being generally supposed to be 
 some ten miles ; but I will stake my professional reputation 
 on the accuracy of our work, and there can, of course, be no 
 disputing the elucidations of science, or facts demonstrated 
 by mathematical process, however incredible they may appear 
 •per se. 
 
 We had adopted an entire new system of triangulation, 
 which I am proud to claim (though I hope with becoming 
 modesty) as my own invention. It simply consists in placing 
 one leg of a tripod on the initial point, and opening out the 
 other legs as far as possible ; the distance between the legs is 
 then measured by a two-foot rule and noted down ; and the 
 tripod moved, so as to form a second triangle, connected with 
 the first, and so on, until the country to be triangulated has 
 been entirely gone over. By using a large number of tri- 
 pods, it is easily seen with what rapidity the work may be 
 carried on, and this was, in fact, the object of my requisition 
 for so large a number of solar compasses, the tripod being in 
 my opinion the only useful portion of that absurd instru- 
 ment. Having given Lieut. Root charge of the triangula. 
 tion, and detached Mr. Jinkins with a small party on hydro- 
 graphical duty (to sound a man's well, on the upper part of 
 Dupont Street, and report thereon), on the 5th of February I 
 left the Plaza, with the savans and the remainder of my 
 
OFFICIAL RErORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 19 
 
 party, to commence tlie examination and survey of Kearni 
 Street. 
 
 Besides tlie mules drawing tlie cart wliicli carried the 
 transit instrument, I had procured two fine pack mules, each 
 of which carried two barrels of ale for the draftsmen. Fol- 
 lowing the tasteful example of that gallant gentleman — who 
 conducted the Dead Sea Expedition, and wishing likewise 
 to pay a compliment to the administration under which I 
 was employed, I named the mules " Fanny Pierce," and 
 " Fanny Bigler." Our cortege passing along Kearny Street 
 attracted much attention from the natives, and indeed, our 
 appearance was sufficiently imposing to excite interest even 
 in less untutored minds than those of these barbarians. 
 
 First came the cart, bearing our instruments ; then a cart 
 containing Lieut Zero with a level, with which he constant- 
 ly noted the changes of grade that might occur ; then one 
 hundred and fifty men, four abreast, armed to the teeth, each 
 wheeling before him his personal property and a mountain 
 howitzer ; then the savans, each with note-book and pencil, 
 constantly jotting down some object of interest (Doctor 
 Tushmaker was so zealous to do something, that he pulled a 
 tooth from an iron rake standing near a stable-door, and was 
 cursed therefor by the illiberal proprietor), and finally, the 
 Chief Professor, walking arm in arm with Dr. Dunshunncr, 
 and gazing from side to side, with an air of ineffable bland- 
 ness and dignity, brought up the rear. 
 
 I had made arrangements to measure the length of Kear- 
 ny Street by two methods ; first, by chaining its sidewalks ; 
 
20 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 
 
 and secondly, by a little instrument of my invention called 
 the " Go-it-ometer." This last consists of a straight rod of 
 brass, firmly strapped to a man's leg and connected with a 
 system of clock-work placed on his back, with which it per- 
 forms, when he walks, the office of a ballistic pendulum. 
 About one foot below the ornamental buttons on the man's 
 back appears a dial-plate connected with the clock-work, on 
 which is promptly registered, by an index, each step taken. 
 Of course, the length of the step being known, the distance 
 passed over in a day may be obtained by a very simple process. 
 
 "We arrived at the end of Kearny Street, and encamped 
 for the night about sundown, near a large brick building, in- 
 habited by a class of people called " The Orphans," who, I 
 am credibly informed, have no fathers or mothers ! After see- 
 ing the camp properly arranged, the wheelbarrows parked and 
 a guard detailed, I sent for the chainmen and " Go-it-ometer " 
 bearer, to ascertain the distance travelled during the day. 
 
 Judge of my surprise to find that the chainmen, having 
 received no instructions, had simply drawn the chain after 
 them through the streets, and had no idea of the distance 
 whatever. Turning from them in displeasure, I took from 
 the " Go-it-ometer " the number of paces marked, and on 
 working the distance, found it to be four miles and a-half. 
 Upon close questioning the bearer, William Boulder (called 
 by his associates, " Slippery Bill"), I ascertained that he had 
 been in a saloon in the vicinity, and after drinking five glasses 
 of a beverage, known among the natives as " Lager Bier,^^ 
 he had danced a little for their amusement. Feeling very 
 
OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 2l 
 
 much dissatisfied with the day's survey, I stepped out of the 
 camp, and stopping an omnibus, asked the driver how far ho 
 thought it. to the Plaza ? He replied, " Half a-mile," which 
 I accordingly noted down, and returned very much pleased 
 at so easily obtaining so much valuable information. It 
 would appear, therefore, that " Slippery Bill," under the in- 
 fluence of five glasses (probably 2^ quarts) of " Lager Bier^'' 
 had actually danced four miles in a few moments. 
 
 Kearny Street, of which I present above a spirited en- 
 graving from a beautiful drawing by Mr. Kraut, is a pass^ 
 about fifty feet in width. The soil is loose and sandy, about 
 one inch in depth, below which Dr. Dunshunner discovered a 
 stratum of white pine, three inches in thickness, and beneath 
 this again, sand. 
 
 It is densely populated, and smells of horses. Its surface 
 is intersected with many pools of sulphuretted protoxide of 
 hydrogen^ and we found several specimens of a vegetable sub- 
 stance, loosely distributed, which is classed by Mr. "Wee- 
 gates as the stalkus cahhagiensis. 
 
 It being late in the evening when our arrangements for 
 encamping were completed, we saw but little of the natives 
 until the next morning, when they gathered about our camp 
 to the number of eighteen. 
 
 We were surprised to find them of diminutive stature, the 
 tallest not exceeding three feet in height. They were exces- 
 
22 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 
 
 sively miscliievous, and disposed to steal sucli trifling things 
 as they could carry away. Their countenances are of the 
 color of dirt, and their hair white and glossy as the silk of 
 maize. The one that we took to be their chief, was an ex- 
 ceedingly diminutive personage, but with a bald head which 
 gave him a very venerable appearance. He was dressed in a 
 dingy robe of jaconet, and was borne in the arms of one of his 
 followers. On making them a speech, proposing a treaty, and 
 assuring them of the protection of their great Father, Pierce, 
 the chief was affected to tears, and on being comforted by 
 his followers, repeatedly exclaimed, "da, da, — da, da;" 
 which, we were informed by the interpreter, meant "father," 
 and was intended as a respectful allusion to the President. 
 "We presented him afterwards with some beads, hawk-bells and 
 other presents, which he immediately thrust into his mouth, 
 saying " Goo," and crowing like a cock ; which was rendered 
 by the interpreter into an expression of high satisfaction. 
 Having made presents to all his followers, they at length left us 
 very well pleased, and we shortly after took up our line of 
 march. From the notes of Dr. Bigguns, I transcribe the fol- 
 lowing description of one of this deeply interesting people : 
 
 " Kearney Street native ; name — Bill ; — ^height, two feet nine 
 inches; — hair, white; — complexion, dirt color; — eyes, blue; — 
 no front teeth ; — opal at extremity of nose ; — dress, a basquine 
 of bluish bombazine, with two gussets, ornamented down the 
 front with crotchet work of molasses candy, three buttons on 
 one side and eight button holes on the other — ^leggings of tow- 
 cloth, fringed at the bottoms and permitting free ventilation be- 
 hind — one shoe . and one boot ; — occupation, erecting small 
 
OFFICIAL REPOFwT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 23 
 
 pyramids of dirt and water ; wlieu asked what they were, re- 
 plied 'pies,' (word in Spanish meaning /<?ei; supposed they might 
 be the feet or foundation of some barbarian structure)— religious 
 belief, obscure; — when asked who made him, replied 'PAR' 
 (supposed to be the name of one of their principal Deities)." 
 
 "We broke up our encampment and moved North by com 
 pass across Market Street, on the morning of the 6th, and 
 about noon had completed the survey as far as the corner of 
 Second Street. 
 
 While crossing Market Street, being anxious to know the 
 exact time, I concluded to determine it by observation. 
 Having removed the Sidereal Clock from the cart, and put it 
 in the street, we placed the cart in the plane of the Meridian, 
 and I removed the eye and object-glass of the transit, for the 
 purpose of wiping them. While busily engaged in this man- 
 ner, an individual, whom I have reason to believe is con- 
 nected with a fire company, approached, and seeing the large 
 brazen tube of the transit pointed to the sky, mistook it for a 
 huge speaking trumpet. Misled by this delusion, he mounted 
 the cart, and in an awful tone of voice shouted through the 
 transit " Wash her. Thirteen ! " but having miscalculated the 
 strength of his lungs, he was seized with a violent fit of 
 coughing, and before he could be removed had completely 
 coughed the vertical hairs out of the instrument. I was in 
 despair at this sudden destruction of the utility of our most 
 valuable instrument, but fortunately recollecting a gridiron, 
 that we had among our kitchen apparatus, I directed Dr. 
 Heavysterne to hold it up in the plane of the true Meridian. 
 
24 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 
 
 and with an opera glass watched and noted by the clock the 
 passage of the sun's centre across the five bars. Having made 
 these observations, I requested the principal computer to 
 work them out, as I wished to ascertain the time immediately; 
 but he replying that it would take some three months to do it, 
 I concluded not to wait, but sent a man into the grocery, 
 corner of Market and Second, to inquire the time, who soon 
 returned with the desired information. It may be thought 
 singular, that with so many gold watches in our party, we 
 should ever be found at a loss to ascertain the time ; but the 
 fact was that I had directed every one of our employees to 
 set his watch by Greenwich mean time, which, though excel- 
 lent to give one the longitude, is for ordinary purposes the 
 meanest time that can be found. A distressing casualty 
 that befell Dr. Bigguns on this occasion may be found worthy 
 of record. An omnibus, passing during the time of observa- 
 tion, was driven carelessly near our Sidereal Clock, with 
 which it almost came into contact. Dr. Bigguns, with a slight 
 smile, remarked that " the clock was nearly run downj'^ and 
 immediately fainted away. The pursuits of science cannot be 
 delayed by accidents of this naturjs, two of the workmen re- 
 moved our unfortunate friend, at once, to the Orphan Asy- 
 lum, where, having rung the bell, they left him on the steps 
 and departed, and we never saw him afterwards. 
 
 From the corner of Market to the corner of Second 
 and Folsom Streets, the route presents no object of interest 
 worthy of mention. We were forced to the conclusion, how- 
 ever, that little throwing of stones prevails near the latter 
 
OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 25^ 
 
 point, as the inhabitants mostly live in glass houses. On tho 
 8th we had brought the survey nearly up to Southwick's 
 Pass on Folsoni Street, and we commenced going through the 
 Pass on the morning of the 9th. This pass consists of a 
 rectangular ravine, about 10 feet in length, the sides lined 
 with pine boards, with a white oak [quercus alhus) bar, that 
 at certain occasions forms across, entirely obstructing the 
 whole route. We found no difficulty in getting through the 
 Pass on foot, nor with the wheelbarrows ; but the mule carts 
 and the " two Fannies " were more troublesome, and we were 
 finally unable to get them through without a considerable 
 pecuniary disbursement, amounting in all to one dollar and 
 fifty cents ($1.50). We understand that the City of San 
 Francisco is desirous of effecting a safe and free passage through 
 this celebrated canon, but a large appropriation ($220,000) is 
 required for the purpose. 
 
 The following passages relating to this portion of the 
 route, transcribed from the Geological Notes of Dr. Dun- 
 shunner, though not directly connected with the objects of 
 the survey, are extremely curious in a scientific point of view, 
 and may be of interest to the general reader. 
 
 •'The country in the vicinity of the route, after leaving 
 Southwick's Pass, is very productive, and I observed with aston- 
 ishment, that red-headed children appear to grow spontaneously. 
 A building was pointed out to me, near our line of march, as the 
 locale of a most astounding agricultural and architectural phe- 
 nomenon, which illustrates the extreme fertility of the soil in a 
 remarkable degree. A small pine wardrobe, which had been 
 »eft standing by the side of the house (a frame cottage with a 
 
26 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 
 
 piazza), at the commencement of the rainy season, took root, 
 and in a few weeks grew to the prodigious height of thirty feet, 
 and still preserving its proportions and characteristic appearance, 
 extended in each direction, nntil it covered a space of ground 
 some forty by twenty feet in measurement. 
 
 " This singular phenomenon was taken advantage of by the 
 proprietors ; doors and windows were cut in the wardrobe, a 
 chimney erected, and it now answers every purpose of an addi- 
 tion to the original cottage, being two stories in height ! This, 
 doubtless, appears almost incredible, but fortunately the house 
 and attached wardrobe may be seen any day, from the road, at 
 a trifling expense of omnibus hire, by the sceptical. Some dis- 
 tance beyond, rises a noble structure, built entirely of cut- wood, 
 called ' The Valley House, by Mrs. Hubbard." Not imagining 
 that a venial species of profanity was conveyed by this legend, I 
 concluded that Mrs. Hubbard was simply the proprietor. This 
 brought to my mind the beautiful lines of a primitive poet, 
 Spenser,* if I mistake not : 
 
 ' Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 
 
 To get her poor dog a bone ; 
 But when she got there, the cupboard was bare, 
 
 And so the poor dog got none.' 
 
 " Feeling curious to ascertain if this were, by any possibility, 
 the ancient residence of the heroine of these lines, perchance an 
 ancestress of the present proprietor, I ventured to call and in- 
 quire ; and my antiquarian zeal was rewarded by the informa- 
 tion that such was the case ; and that, if I returned at a later 
 hour during the evening, I could be allowed a sight of the closet, 
 and a view of the skeleton of the original dog. Delighted with 
 my success, I returned accordingly, and finding the door closed, 
 ventured to knock ; when a sudden shower of rain fell, lasting 
 but about five seconds, but drenching me to the skin. Undeter- 
 red by this' contretemps^ I elevated my umbrella and knocked 
 again, loudly, when a violent concussion upon the umbrella, ac- 
 companied by a thriU down the handle, which caused me to seat 
 
 * The Doctor is in error ; the lines qnoted are from Chaucer. J, P. 
 
OFFICIAL REPOUT ON CBNTEAL ROUTE. 27 
 
 myself precipitately in a bnclret by the side of tlie door, con- 
 vinced me that electrical plienomenD of an unusual character 
 •were prevalent, and decided me to return with all speed to our 
 encampment. Here I was astounded by discovering inverted on 
 the summit of my umbrella, a curious and deeply interesting 
 vase, of singularly antique shape, and composed, apparently, of 
 white porcelain. Whether this vase fell from the moon, a comet, 
 or a passing meteor, I have not yet decided ; drawings of it are 
 being prepared, and the whole subject will receive my thorougli 
 investigation at an early day.* 
 
 " I subsequently attempted to pursue my investigations at the 
 * Valley House,' but the curt manner of the proprietor led me to 
 suspect that the subject was distasteful, and I was reluctantly 
 compelled to abandon it. 
 
 " Near the ' Yalley House,' I observed an advertisement of 
 ' The Mountain View,' by P. Buckley; but the building in which 
 it is exhibited being closed, I had no opportunity to judge of the 
 merits of the painting, or the skill of Mr. Buckley as an artist. 
 A short distance further, I discovered a small house occupied by 
 a gentleman, who appeared engaged in some description of traf- 
 fic with the emigrants; and on watching his motions intently, 
 my surprise was great to find that his employment consisted in 
 selling them small pieces of pasteboard at fifty cents apiece I 
 Curious to know the nature of these valuable bits of paper, I 
 watched carefully the proprietor's motions through a window for 
 some hours ; but being at length observed by him, I was re- 
 quested to leave — and I left. This curious subject is, therefore, 
 I regret to say, enwrapped in mystery, and I reluctantly leave it 
 for the elucidation of some future savant. The beautiful idea, 
 originated by Col. Benton, that buffaloes and other wild animals 
 are the pioneer engineers, and that subsequent explorations can 
 discover no better roads than those selected by them, would ap- 
 pear to apply admirably to the Central Route. Many pigs, singly 
 
 * This curious antique, to wliicb I have given the name of the " Dunshunner 
 Tase," has singularly the appearance of a wash basin ! When the drawings are 
 completed, it is to be presented to the California Academy of Natural Sciences. J. P 
 
28 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 
 
 and in droves, met and passed me continually ; and as the pig is 
 unquestionably a more sagacious animal than the buffalo, their 
 preference for this route is a most significant fact. I was, more- 
 over, informed by the emigrants, that this route was ' the one 
 followed by Col. Fremont when he lost his men.' This state- 
 ment must be received ciun grano salis^ as, on my inquiry — 
 ^ What men ? ' my informant replied ' A box of chessmen, 
 which answer, from its levity, threw an air of doubt over the 
 whole piece of information, in my mind. Tt ere can be no 
 question, however, that Lieut. Beale has frequently travelled this 
 route, and that it was a favorite with him ; indeed, I am inform- 
 ed that he took the first omnibus over it that ever left San Fran- 
 cisco for the Mission of Dolores. 
 
 " The climate in these latitudes is mild ; snow appears to be 
 miknown, and we saw but little ice ; what there was being sold 
 at twenty -five cents per lb. 
 
 " The geological formation of the country is not volcanic. 1 
 saw but one small specimen of trap dm-ing the march, which I 
 observed at the ' Valley House,' with a mouse in it. From the 
 vast accumulations of sand in these regions, I am led to adopt 
 the opinions of the ethnologists of the ' California Academy of 
 Natural Sciences,' and conclude that the original name of this 
 territory was Sand Francisco, from which the final ' d' in the 
 prefix has been lost by time, like the art of painting on glass. 
 
 " Considering the innumerable villages of pigs to be found 
 located on the line of march, and the consequent effect produced 
 on the atmosphere, I would respectfully suggest to the Chief En- 
 gineer the propriety of changing the name of the route by a 
 slight alteration in the orthography, giving it the appropriate and 
 euphonious title of the ' Scentvsl R. R. Eoute.' 
 " Respectfully submitted, 
 
 "ABRAHAM DUNSHUNKER, LL. D. 
 "P. G. 0. R. R.R. S." 
 
 From Sonthwick's Pass, the survey was continued with 
 unabated ardor until the evening of the 10th instant, when 
 we had arrived opposite Mrs. Freeman's " American Eagle," 
 
OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 29 
 
 wliere we encamped. From this point a botanical party un- 
 der Prof. Weegates was sent over the hills to the S. and W. 
 for exploration. They returned on the 11th, bringing a box 
 of sardines, a tin can of preserved whortleberries, and a bot- 
 tle of whisky, as specimens of the products of the country 
 over which they had passed. They reported discovering on 
 the old plank road, an inn or hostel kept by a native Ameri- 
 can Irishman, whose sign exhibited the Harp of Ireland en- 
 circling the shield of the United States, with the mottoes 
 
 " Ekin go unubi, 
 E Plueibus beagh." 
 
 On the 14th the party arrived in good health and excel- 
 lent spirits at the "Nightingale," Mission of Dolores. 
 History informs us, that 
 
 " The Nightingale club at the village was held, 
 At the sign of the Cabbage and Shears." 
 
 It is interesting to the Antiquarian to look over the excellent 
 cabbage garden, still extant immediately opposite the Night- 
 ingale, and much more so to converse with Mr. Shears, the 
 respected and urbane proprietor. 
 
 The survey and reconnoisso.nce being finished on our 
 arrival at the Mission, it may be expected that I should here 
 give a full and impartial statement as to the merits or de- 
 merits of the route, in connection with the proposed Railroad. 
 
 Some three months must elapse, however, before this can 
 be done, as the triangulation has yet to be perfectly com- 
 puted, the sub-reports examined and compiled, the observa- 
 
30 OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 
 
 tions worked out, and the maps and drawings executed. Be- 
 sides, I have received a letter from certain parties interested 
 in the Southern and Northern routes, informing me that if I 
 suspend my opinion on the " Great Central " for the present, 
 it will Ibe greatly to my interest, — and as my interest is cer- 
 tainly my principal consideration, I shall undoubtedly com- 
 ply with their request, unless, indeed, greater inducement is 
 offered to the contrary. 
 
 Meanwhile I can assure the public, that a great deal may 
 certainly he said in favor of the Central Route. A full 
 report accompanied by maps, charts, sub-reports, diagrams, 
 calculations, tables and statistics, may shortly be expected. 
 
 Profiles of Prof. Heavysterne, Dr. Dunshunner and my- 
 self, executed in black court plaster by Mr. Jinkins, R. A., 
 one of the Artists of the Expedition, in his unrivalled style 
 of elegance, may be seen for a short time at Messrs. LeCount 
 & Strong's — scale 1^ inch to 1 foot. 
 
 In conclusion I beg leave to return my thanks to the 
 Professors, Assistants, and Artists of the Expedition, for the 
 energy, fidelity and zeal, with which they have ever co-oper- 
 ated with me, and seconded my efforts ; and to assure them 
 that I shall be happy at any time to sit for my portrait for 
 them, or to accept the handsome service of plate, which I am 
 told they have prepared for me, but feel too much delicacy 
 to speak to me about. 
 
 I remain, with the highest respect and esteem for myself 
 
 and every body else, 
 
 JOHN PHCENIX, A. M., 
 
 Chief Engineer and Astronomer, S. F. A. M. D. C. li. 
 
OFFICIAL REPORT ON CENTRAL ROUTE. 
 
 31 
 
 The annexed sketch of our route, prepared by Mr. Jin- 
 klns and Kraut, is respectfully submitted to the Public. It 
 is not, of course, compiled with that accuracy, which will 
 characterize our final maps, but for the ordinary purposes of 
 travel, will be found sufficiently correct. 
 
 J. P., A. M. C. E. & C. A. 
 
 RECONNOISSANCE 
 
 OF THE 
 
 CENTRAL KAILROAD ROUTE, 
 
 FROM 
 
 SAN ERANCISCO TO THE MISSION OE DOLORES, 
 
 By Prof. John Phoenix, Esq., A. M. &. C. A. & C. E. 
 
 DRAWN BY KRAUT AND JINKINS, E. A., ARTISTS TO TUE EXPEDITION. 
 
 K E A 
 
 RNY STREET. / Piaza. ) 
 
 3 4 6 7 5 1 i \ / 
 
 Orphans, 
 
 jfojg — Xhe souudLngs are in fathoms, showing the depth of mud and water during the rainy 
 season. 
 
 
 M A 
 
 R 
 
 K E T 
 
 S T R 
 
 E E T. 
 
 
 
 down the street at the time of the passage of the 
 
 Expedition. 
 
 M 
 
 S E 
 
 c 
 
 O N D 
 
 S T 
 
 R E E T. 
 
 
 F O L S O M 
 
 (a) 
 
 T R E E T 
 
 Nightingale. 
 
 (a) Southv/ick'a Vi 
 
 E. Halfred Jinkins, Del. 
 
 A. ErautfScidp. 
 
A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 
 
 I HAVE often tlionght that the adjectives of the English lan- 
 guage were not sufficiently definite for the purposes of de- 
 scription. They have but three degrees of comparison — a 
 very insufficient number, certainly, "when we consider that 
 they are to be apj^lied to a thousand objects, which, though 
 of the same general class or quality, differ from each other by 
 a thousand different shades or degrees of the same peculiarity. 
 Thus, though there are three hundred and sixty-five days in a 
 year, all of which must, from the nature of things, differ from 
 each other in the matter of climate, — we have but half a 
 dozen expressions to convey to one another our ideas of this 
 inequality. We say — " It is a fine day; " " It is a very fine 
 day ; " " It is the finest day we have seen ; " or, " It is an 
 unpleasant day;" "A very unpleasant day;" "The most 
 unpleasant day we ever saw." But it is plain, that none of 
 these expressions give an exact idea of the nature of the day ; 
 and the two superlative expressions are generally untrue. I 
 
A NEW SYSTEBI OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 33 
 
 once heard a gentleman remark, on a rainy, snowy, windy 
 and (in the ordinary English language) indescribable day, 
 that it was " most preposterous weather." He came nearer 
 to giving a correct idea of it, than he could have done by any 
 ordinary mode of expression ; but his description was not 
 sufficiently definite. 
 
 Again : — ^we say Df a lady — " She is beautiful ; " " She is 
 very beautiful," or " She is perfectly beautiful; " — descrip- 
 tions, which, to one who never saw her, are no descriptions 
 at all, for among thousands of women he has seen, probably 
 no two are equally beautiful ; and as to ^perfectly beautiful 
 woman, he knows that no such being was ever created — un- 
 less by Gr. P. R. James, for one of the two horsemen to fall 
 in love with, and marry at the end of the second volume. 
 
 If I meet Smith in the street, and ask him — as I am 
 pretty sure to do — " How he does? " he infallibly replies — 
 " Tolerable^ thank you " — ^which gives me no exact idea of 
 Smith's health — for he has made the same reply to me on a 
 hundred different occasions — on every one of which there 
 must have been some slight shade of difference in his physi- 
 cal economy, and of course a corresponding change in his 
 feelings. 
 
 To a man of a mathematical turn of mind — to a student 
 and lover of the exact sciences these inaccuracies of expres- 
 sion — this inability to understand exactly how things are, 
 must be a constant source of annoyance ; and to one who 
 like myself, unites this turn of mind to an ardent love of 
 triith, for its own sake — the reflection that the English 
 2* 
 
34 A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 
 
 language does not enable us to speak the truth with exact- 
 ness, is peculiarly painful. For this reason I have, with 
 some trouble, made myself thoroughly acquainted with every 
 ancient and modern language, in the hope that I might find 
 'Some one of them that would enable me to express precisely 
 my ideas ; but the same insufficiency of adjectives exist in 
 all except that of the Flathead Indians of Puget Sound, 
 which consists of but forty-six words, mostly nouns ; but to 
 the constant use of which exists the objection, that nobody 
 but that tribe can understand it. And as their literary and 
 scientific advancement is not such as to make a residence 
 among them, for a man of my disposition, desirable, I have 
 abandoned the use of their language, in the belief that for 
 me it is liyas. cultus., or as the Spaniard hath it, no one vale 
 nada. 
 
 Despairing, therefore, of making new discoveries in 
 foreign languages, I have set myself seriously to work to 
 reform our own ; and have, I think, made an important dis- 
 covery, which, when developed into a system and universally 
 adopted, will give a precision of expression, and a consequent 
 clearness of idea, that will leave little to be desired, and will, 
 I modestly hope, immortalize my humble name as the pro- 
 mulgator of the truth and the benefactor of the human 
 race. 
 
 Before entering upon my system I will give you an ac- 
 count of its discovery (which, perhaps I might with more 
 modesty term an adaptation and enlargement of the idea of 
 another), which will surprise you by its simplicity, and like 
 
A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 35 
 
 the method of standing eggs on end, of Columbus, the inven- 
 tions of printing, gunpowder and the mariner's compass — 
 prove another exemplification of the truth of Hannah More's 
 beautifully expressed sentiment : 
 
 " Large streams from little fountains flow, 
 Large aches from little toe-corns grow." 
 
 During the past week my attention was attracted by a 
 large placard embellishing the corners of our screets, headed 
 in mighty capitals, with the word " Phuenology," and illus- 
 trated by a map of a man's head, closely shaven, and laid off 
 in lots, duly numbered from one to forty-seven. Beneath 
 this edifying illustration appeared a legend, informing the 
 inhabitants of San Diego and vicinity that Professor Dodge 
 had arrived, and taken rooms (which was inaccurate, as he 
 had but one room) at the Gyascutus House, where he would 
 be happy to examine and furnish them with a chart of their 
 heads, showing the moral and intellectual endowments, at 
 the low price of three dollars each- 
 
 Always gratified with an opportunity of spending my 
 money and making scientific researches, I immediately had 
 my hair cut and carefully combed, and hastened to present 
 myself and my head to the Professor's notice. I found him 
 a tall and thin Professor, in a suit of rusty, not to say seedy 
 black, with a closely buttoned vest, and no perceptible shirt- 
 collar or wristbands. His nose was red, his spectacles were 
 blue, and he wore a brown wig, beneath which, as I subse- 
 <iuently ascertained, his bald head was laid off in lots, marked 
 
36 A NEW SYSTEM OE ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 
 
 and numlbered with Indian ink, after the manner of the dia« 
 gram upon his advertisement. Upon a small table lay many 
 little books with yellow covers, several of the placards, pen 
 and ink, a pair of iron callipers with brass knobs, and sis 
 dollars in silver. Having explained the object of my visit, 
 and increased the pile of silver by six half-dollars from my 
 pocket — whereat he smiled, and I observed he wore false 
 teeth — (scientific men always do; they love to encourage 
 art) the Professor placed me in a chair, and rapidly manipu- 
 lating my head, after the manner of a sham, pooh (I am 
 not certain as to the orthography of this expression), said 
 that my temperament was " lymphatic, nervous, bilious." 
 I remarked that " I thought myself dyspeptic," but he made 
 no reply. Then seizing on the callipers, he embraced with 
 them my head in various places, and made notes upon a 
 ^mall card that lay near him on the table. He then stated 
 that my " hair was getting very thin on the top," placed in my 
 hand one of the yellow -covered books, which I found to be 
 an almanac containing anecdotes about the virtues of Dodge's 
 Hair Invigorator, and recommending it to my perusal, he 
 remarked that he was agent for the sale of this wonderful 
 fluid, and urged me to purchase a bottle — ^price two dollars. 
 Stating my willingness to do so, the Professor produced it 
 from a hair trunk that stood in a corner of the room, which 
 he stated, by the way, was originally an ordinary pine box, 
 on which the hair had grown since " the Invigorator " had 
 been placed in it — (a singular fact) and recommended me to 
 be cautious in wearing gloves while rubbing it upon my head, 
 
A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. o7 
 
 as imliappy accidents Lad occurred — the hair growing freely 
 from the ends of the fingers, if used with the bare hand. He 
 then seated himself at the table, and rapidly filling up what 
 appeared to me a blank certificate, he soon handed over the 
 following singular document. 
 
 " Pheenologioal Chart of the head of M. John Pb (Enix, by 
 Platbroke B. Dodge, Professor of Phrenology, and inventor and 
 proprietor of Dodge's celebrated Hair Invigorator, Stimulator of 
 the Conscience, and Arouser of the Mental Faculties : 
 Temperament, — LympTiathic^ Nervous^ Bilious. 
 
 Size of Head, 11. Imitation, 11. 
 
 Amativeness, 11^. Self-Esteem, i. 
 
 Caution, 3. Benevolence, 12. 
 
 Combativeness, 2-^. Mirth, 1. 
 
 Credulity, 1. Language, 12. 
 
 Causality, 12. Firmness, 2. 
 
 Conscientiousness, 12. Veneration, 12. 
 
 Destructiveness, 9. Philoprogenitiveness, 0. 
 
 Hope, 10." 
 
 Having gazed on this for a few moments in mute aston- 
 ishment — during which the Professor took a glass of brandy 
 and water, and afterwards a mouthful of tobacco — It turned 
 to him and requested an explanation. 
 
 " Why," said he, " it's very simple ; the number 12 is the 
 maximum, 1 the minimum ; for instance, you are as benevolent 
 as a man can be — therefore I mark you, Benevolence, 12. 
 You have little or no self-esteem — hence I place you, Self- 
 esteem, ^. You've scarcely any credulity — don't you see?" 
 
 / did see / This was my discovery. I saw at a flash 
 how the English language was susceptible of improvement, 
 and, fired with the glorious idea, I rushed from the room and 
 
38 A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 
 
 the house ; heedless of the Pofessor's request that I would 
 buy more of his Invigorator ; heedless of his alarmed cry that 
 I would pay for the bottle I'd got ; heedless that I tripped 
 on the last step of the Gryascutus House, and smashed there 
 the precious fluid (the step has now a growth of four inches 
 of hair on it, and the people use it as a door-mat) ; I rushed 
 home, and never grew calm till with pen, ink and paper before 
 me, I commenced the development of my system. 
 
 This system — shall I say this great system — is exceeding- 
 ly simple, and easily explained in a few words. In the first 
 place, ^^ figures wonH liey Let us then represent by the 
 number 100, the maximum, the ne plus ultra of every human 
 quality — ^grace, beauty, courage, strength, wisdom, learning — 
 every thing. Let perfection^ I say, be represented by 100, 
 and an absolute minimum of all qualities by the number 1. 
 Then by applying the numbers between, to the adjectives 
 used in conversation, we shall be able to arrive at a very 
 close approximation to the idea we wish to convey ; in other 
 words, we shall be enabled to speak the truth. Glorious, soul- 
 inspiring idea! For instance, the most ordinary question 
 asked of you is, " How do you do ? " To this, instead of re- 
 plying, " Pretty well," " Very well," " Quite well," or the 
 like absurdities — after running through your mind that per- 
 fection of health is 100, no health at all, 1 — you say, with a 
 graceful bow, " Thank you, I'm 52 to day ; " or, feeling poor- 
 ly, " I'm 13, I'm obliged to you," or " I'm 68," or " 75," or 
 " 87|-," as the case may be ! Do you see how very close in 
 this way you may approximate to the truth j and how clearly 
 
A NEW SYSTEx^I OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 39 
 
 your questioner will understand wliat he so anxiously wishes 
 to arrive at — your exact state of health ? 
 
 Let this system he adopted into our elements of grammar, 
 our conversation, our literature, and we become at once an 
 exact, precise, mathematical, truth-telling people. It will 
 apply to every thing but politics ; there, truth being of no 
 account, the system is useless. But in literature, how admi- 
 rable ! Take an example : 
 
 As a 19 young and 76 beautiful lady was 52 gaily trip- 
 ping down the sidewalk of our 84 frequented street, she ac- 
 cidently come in contact — 100 (this shows that she came in 
 close contact) with a 73 fat, but 87 good-humored looking 
 gentleman, who was 93 (i. e. intently) gazing into the window 
 of a toy-shop. Grracefully 56 extricating herself, she re- 
 ceived the excuses of the 96 embarrassed Falstaff with a 68 
 bland smile, and continued on her way. But hardly — 7 — had 
 she reached the corner of the block, ere she was overtaken 
 by a 24 young man, 32 poorly dressed, but of an 85 expres- 
 sion of countenance ; 91 hastily touching her 54 beautifully 
 rounded arm, he said, to her 67 surprise — 
 
 " Madam, at the window of the toy-shop yonder, you 
 dropped this bracelet, which I had the 71 good fortune to 
 observe, and now have the 94 happiness to hand to you." 
 Of course the expression " 94 happiness " is merely the young 
 man's polite hyperbole.) 
 
 Blushing with 76 modesty, the lovely (76, as before, of 
 course), lady took the bracelet — which was a 24 magnificent 
 diamond clasp — (24 magnificent, playfully sarcastic ; it was 
 
40 A NEW SYSTEM OP ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 
 
 probably not one of Tucker's) from the young man's hand, and 
 84 hesitatingly drew from her beautifully 38 embroidered re- 
 ticule a 67 port-monnaie. The young man noticed the action, 
 and 73 proudly drawing back, added — 
 
 " Do not thank me ; the pleasure of gazing for an instant 
 at those 100 eyes (perhaps too exaggerated a compliment), 
 has already more than compensated me for any trouble that 
 I might have had." 
 
 She thanked him, however, and with a 67 deep blush and 
 a 48 pensive air, turned from him, and pursued with a 33 slow 
 step her promenade. 
 
 Of course you see that this is but the commencement of 
 a pretty little tale, which I might throw off, if I had a mind 
 to, showing in two volumes, or forty-eight chapters of thril- 
 ling interest, how the young man sought the girl's acquaint- 
 ance, how the interest first excited, deepened into love, how 
 they suffered much from the opposition of parents (her 
 parents of course), and how, after much trouble, annoyance, 
 a^d many perilous adventures, they were finally married — 
 their happiness, of course, being represented by 100. But I 
 trust that I have said enough to recommend my system to 
 the good and truthful of .the literary world ; and besides, just 
 at present I have something of more immediate importance to 
 attend to. 
 
 You would hardly believe it, but that everlasting (100) 
 scamp of a Professor has brought a suit against me for steal- 
 ing a bottle of his disgusting Invigorator ,* and as the suit 
 comes off before a Justice of the Peace, whose only principle 
 
A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR. 41 
 
 of law is to find guilty and fine any accused person whom he 
 thinks has any money — (because if he don't he has to take 
 his costs in County Scrip,) it behooves me to " take time by 
 the fore-lock." So, for the present, adieu. Should my sys- 
 tem succeed to the extent of my hopes and expectations, I 
 shall publish my n^w grammar early in the ensuing month, 
 with suitable dedication and preface ; and should you, with 
 your well known liberality, publish my prospectus, and give 
 me a handsome literary notice, I shall be pleased to furnish 
 a presentation copy to each of the little Pioneer children. 
 * P. S. I regret to add that having just read this article 
 to Mrs. Phoenix, and asked her opinion thereon, she replied, 
 that " if a first-rate magazine article were represented by 100, 
 she should judge this to be about 13 ; or if the quintessence 
 of stupidity were 100, she should take this to be in the 
 neighborhood of 96." This, as a criticism, is perhaps a little 
 discouraging, but as an exemplification of the merits of my 
 system it is exceedingly flattering. How could she, I should 
 like to know, in ordinary language, have given so exact and 
 truthful an idea — ^how expressed so forcibly her opinion 
 (which, of course, differs from mine) on the subject ? 
 
 As Dr. Samuel Johnson learnedly remarked to James 
 Boswell, Laird of Auchinleck, on a certain occasion — 
 
 " Sir, the proof of the pudding is in the eating thereof." 
 
MUSICAL KEYIEW EXTEAOKDIIJTAEY. 
 
 San Diego, July lOtb, 1851 
 
 As your valuable work is not supposed to be so entirely 
 identified with San Franciscan interests, as to be careless 
 what takes place in other portions of this great hedniry^ and 
 as it is received and read in San Diego with great interest 
 (I have loaned my copy to over four different literary gentle- 
 men, most of whom have read some of it), I have thought it 
 not improbable that a few critical notices of the musical per- 
 formances and the drama of this place might be acceptable to 
 you, and interest your readers. I have been, moreover, en- 
 couraged to this task by the perusal of your interesting mu- 
 sical and theatrical critiques on San Francisco performers 
 and performances ; as I feel convinced that, if you devote so 
 much space to them, you will not allow any little feeling of 
 rivalry between the two great cities to prevent your noticing 
 ours, which, without the slightest feeling of prejudice, I must 
 consider as infinitely superior. I propose this month to call 
 your attention to the two great events in our theatrical and 
 
MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAORDINARY. 43 
 
 musical world — the appearance of the talented Miss Pelican, 
 and the production of Tarbox's celebrated " Ode Sympho- 
 nie " of " The Plains." 
 
 The critiques on the former are from the columns of The 
 Vallecetos Sentinel, to which they were originally contributed 
 by me, appearing on the respective dates of June 1st and 
 June 3 1st. 
 
 Froin the Vallecetos Sentinel, June \st. 
 
 Miss Pelican. — Never during our dramatic experience, has a 
 more exciting event occurred than the sudden bursting npon our 
 theatrical firmament, full, blazing, unparalleled, of the bright, re- 
 splendent and particular star, whose honored name shines reful- 
 gent at the head of this article. Coming among us unheralded, 
 almost unknown, without claptrap, in a wagon drawn by oxen 
 across the plains, with no agent to get up a counterfeit enthusi- 
 asm in her favor, she appeared before us for the first time at the 
 San Diego Lyceum, last evening, in the trying and difficult char- 
 acter of Ingomar, or the Tame Savage. We are at a loss to 
 describe our sensations, our admiration, at her magnificent, her 
 superhuman efibrts. "We do not hesitate to say that she is by 
 far the superior of any living actress ; and, as we believe hers to 
 be the perfection of acting, we cannot be wrong in the belief 
 that no one hereafter wiU ever be found to approach her. Her 
 conception of the character of Ingomar was perfection itself; her 
 playful and ingenuous manner, her light girlish laughter, in the 
 scene with Sir Peter, showed an appreciation of the savage 
 character, which nothing but the most arduous study, the most 
 elaborate training could produce ; while her awful change to the 
 stern, unyielding, uncompromising father in the tragic scene of 
 Duncan's murder, was indeed nature itself. Miss Pelican is 
 about seventeen years of age, of miraculous beauty, and most 
 thrilling voice. It is needless to say she dresses admirably, 
 as in fact we have said all we can say when we called her most 
 
44 MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAORDINARY. 
 
 truthfully, perfection. Mr. Jolin Boots tool.: the part of Par- 
 thenia very creditably, etc., etc. 
 
 From the Vallecetos Sentinel, June Zlst. 
 
 Miss PELicAisr. — As this lady is ahout to leave us to com- 
 mence an engagement on the San Francisco stage, we should 
 regret exceedingly if any thing we have said ahout her, should 
 send with her a prestige which might be found undeserved on 
 trial. The fact is. Miss Pelican is a very ordinary actress ; in- 
 deed, one of the most indifferent ones we ever happened to see. 
 She came here from the Museum at Fort Laramie, and we praised 
 her so injudiciously that she became completely spoiled. She 
 has performed a round of characters during the last week, very 
 miserably, though we are bound to confess that her performance 
 of King Lear last evening, was superior to any thing of the kind 
 we ever saw. Miss Pelican is about forty-three years of age, 
 singularly plain in her personal appearance, awkward and em- 
 barrassed, with a cracked and squeaking voice, and reaUy dresses 
 quite outrageously. She has much to learn — poor thing ! 
 
 I take it the above notices are rather ingenious. The 
 fact is, I'm no judge of acting, and don't know how Miss 
 Pelican will turn out. If well, why there's my notice of 
 June the 1st; if ill, then June 31st comes in play, and, as 
 there is but one copy of the Sentinel printed, it's an easy 
 matter to destroy the incorrect one ; both canH he wrong] 
 so I've made a sure thing of it in any event. Here follows 
 my musical critique, which I flatter myself is of rather 
 superior order : 
 
 The Plains. Ode Symphonie par Jabez Tarbox. — 
 This glorious composition was produced at the San Diego 
 Odeon, on the 31st of June, ult., for the first time in this or 
 any other country, by a very full orchestra (the performance 
 
MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAORDINARY. 45 
 
 taking place immediately after supper), and a chorus composed 
 of the entire " Sauer Kraut- Verein," the Wee Grates Associa- 
 tion," and choice selections from the " Gyascutus" and " Pike- 
 harmonic " societies. The solos were rendered hy Her Tu- 
 den Links, the recitations by Herr Yon Hyden Schnapps, 
 both performers being assisted by Messrs. John Smith and 
 Joseph Brown, who held their coats, fanned them, and fur- 
 nished water during the more overpowering passages. 
 
 " The Plains " we consider the greatest musical achiever 
 ment that has been presented to an enraptured public. Likq 
 Waterloo among battles ; Napoleon among warriors ; Niagara 
 among falls, and Peck among senators, this magnificent com- 
 position stands among Oratorios, Operas, Musical Melodra- 
 mas and performances of Ethiopian Serenaders, peerless and 
 unrivalled. Ilfrappe toute chose parfaUment froid. 
 
 " It does not depend for its success " upon its plot, its 
 theme, its school or its master, for it has very little if any of 
 them, but upon its soul-subduing, all-absorbing, high-faluting 
 effect upon the audience, every member of which it causes to 
 experience the most singular and exquisite sensations. Its 
 strains at times remind us of those of the old master of 
 the steamer McKim, who never went to sea without being un- 
 pleasantly affected ; — a straining after effect he use to term it. 
 Blair in his lecture on beauty, and Mills in his treatise on 
 logic, (p. 31,) have alluded to the feeling which might be 
 produced in the human mind, by something of this transcen- 
 dentally sublime description, but it has remained for M. Tar- 
 box, in the production of The Plains, to call this feeling forth 
 
46 MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAORDINARY. 
 
 The symphonie opens upon the wide and "boundless plains, 
 in longitude 115° W., latitude 35° 2V OB^' N., and about 
 sixty miles from the west hank of Pitt River. These data 
 are beautifully and clearly expressed by a long (topographi- 
 cally) drawn note from an E flat clarionet. The sandy 
 nature of the soil, sparsely dotted with bunches of cactus 
 and artemisia, the extended view, flat and unbroken to the 
 horizon, save by the rising smoke in the extreme verge, de- 
 noting the vicinity of a Pi Utah village, are represented by 
 the bass drum. A few notes on the piccolo, calls the atten- 
 tion to a solitary antelope, picking up mescal beans in the 
 foreground. The sun having an altitude of 36° 27^, blazes 
 down upon the scene in indescribable majesty. " Gradually 
 the sounds roll forth in a song " of rejoicing to the God of 
 Day. 
 
 " Of thy intensity 
 
 And great immensity 
 Now then we sing ; 
 
 Beholding in gratitude 
 
 Thee in this latitude, 
 Curious thing." 
 
 Which swells out into " Hey Jim along, Jim along Josey," 
 then decrescendo, mas o me^ios, poco pocita, dies away and 
 dries up. 
 
 Suddenly we hear approaching a train from Pike County, 
 consisting of seven families, with forty-six wagons, each 
 drawn by thirteen oxen ; each family consists of a man in 
 butternut-colored clothing driving the oxen ; a wife in but- 
 ternut-colored clothing riding in the wagon, holding a butter 
 
MUSICAL REVinW EXTRAORDINARY. 47 
 
 nut baby, and seventeen butternut children running promis- 
 cuously about the establisbment ; all are barefooted, dusty, 
 and smell unpleasantly- (All these circumstances are ex- 
 pressed by pretty rapid fiddling for some minutes, winding 
 up with a puff from the orpheclide, played by an intoxicated 
 Teuton with an atrocious breath — it is impossible to mis- 
 understand the description.) Now rises o'er the plains in 
 mellifluous accents, the grand Pike County Chorus. 
 
 " Oh we'll soon be thar 
 In the land of gold, 
 Through the forest old, 
 O'er the mounting cold, 
 With spirits bold — 
 Oh, we come, we come, 
 And we'll soon be thar. 
 
 Gee up Bolly ! whoo, np, whoo haw ! 
 
 The train now encamp. The unpacking of the kettles 
 and mess-pans, the unyoking of the oxen, the gathering about 
 the various camp-fires, the frizzling of the pork, are so clearly 
 expressed by the music, that the most untutored savage could 
 readily comprehend it. Indeed, so vivid and lifelike was the 
 representation, that a lady sitting near us, involuntarily ex- 
 claimed aloud, at a certain passage, " Tliar^ that pork''s 
 burning ! " and it was truly interesting to watch the gratified 
 expression of her face when, by a few notes of the guitar, 
 the pan was removed from the fire, and the blazing pork ex- 
 tinguished. 
 
 This is followed by the beautiful aria : — 
 
 " ! raarm, I want a pancake ! " 
 
48 MUSICAL E.EVIEW EXTRAORDINARY. 
 
 Followed by that toucliing recitative : — 
 " Siiet up, or I will spank you ! '* 
 
 To which succeeds a grand crescendo moYcmentj repre- 
 senting the flight of the child, with the pancake, the pursuit 
 of the mother, and the final arrest and summary punishment 
 of the former, represented by the rapid and successive strokes 
 of the Castanet. 
 
 The turning in for the night follows ; and the deep and 
 stertorous breathing of the encampment, is well given by the 
 bassoon, while the sufferings and trials of an unhappy father 
 with an unpleasant infant, are touchingly set forth by the 
 cornet d piston. 
 
 Part Second — The night attack of the Pi Utahs ; the 
 fearful cries of the demoniac Indians; the shrieks of the 
 females and children ; the rapid and effective fire of the rifles ; 
 the stampede of the oxen ; their recovery and the final re- 
 pulse ; the Pi Utahs being routed after a loss of thirty-six 
 killed and wounded, while the Pikes lose but one scalp (from 
 an old fellow who wore a wig, and lost it in the scuffle), are 
 faithfully given, and excite the most intense interest in the 
 minds of the hearers ; the emotions of fear, admiration and 
 delight, succeeding each other in their minds, with almost 
 painful rapidity. Then follows the grand chorus : 
 
 " Oil ! we gin them fits, 
 The Ingeu Utahs. 
 With our six-shooters — 
 We gia 'em pertickuler fits." 
 
BIUSICAI. REVIEW EXTRAORDINARy. 49 
 
 After wliicli, we liave the charming recitative of Herr 
 Tuden Links, to the infant, which is really one of the most 
 charming gems in the performance : 
 
 " Now, dern your skin, canbt you be easy ? " 
 
 Morning succeeds. The sun rises magnificently (octavo 
 flute) — ^breakfast is eaten, — in a rapid movement on three 
 sharps; the oxen are caught and yoked up — with a sm'all 
 drum and triangle ; the watches, purses, and other valuables 
 of the conquered Pi Utahs, are stored away in a camp-kettle, 
 to a small movement on the piccolo, and the train moves on, 
 with the grand chorus : — 
 
 " We'll eoon be thar, 
 
 Gee up Bolly ! Whoo hup ! whoo haw I " 
 
 The whole concludes with the grand hymn and chorus : — 
 
 " "When we die we'll go to Benton, 
 
 Whup ! Whoo, haw ! 
 The greatest man that e'er land saw, 
 
 Gee! 
 Who this little airth was sent on 
 
 Whup ! Whoo, haw 1 
 To tell a ' hawk from a hand-saw 1 ' 
 
 Gee!" 
 
 The immense expense attending the production of this 
 magnificent work ; the length of time required to prepare 
 the chorus ; the incredible number of instruments destroyed 
 at each rehearsal, have hitherto prevented M. Tarbox from 
 placing it before the American public, and it has remained 
 for San Diego to show herself superior to her sister cities of 
 
50 MUSICAL REVIEW EXTRAORDINARY. 
 
 the Union, in mnsical taste and appreciation, and in liigli 
 souled liberality, by patronizing this immortal prodigy, and 
 enabling its author to bring it forth in accordance with his 
 wishes and its capabilities. We trust every citizen of San 
 Diego and Yallecetos will listen to it ere it is withdrawn ; and 
 if there yet lingers in San Francisco one spark of musical 
 fervor, or a remnant of taste for pure harmony, we can only 
 say that the Southerner sails from that place once a fortnight, 
 and that the passage money is but forty-five dollars. 
 
LECTUEES ON ASTKONOMY, 
 
 INTRODUCTORY. 
 
 The following pages were originally prepared in tlie form 
 of a course of Lectures to be delivered before the Lowell 
 Institute, of Boston, Mass., but, owing to tbe unexpected 
 circumstance of the author's receiving no invitation to lec- 
 ture before that institution, they were laid aside shortly after 
 their completion. 
 
 Eeceiving an invitation from the trustees of the Yalle- 
 cetos Literary and Scientific Institute, during the present 
 summer, to deliver a course of Lectures on any popular sub- 
 ject, the author withdrew his manuscript from the dusty 
 shelf on which it had long lain neglected, and, having some- 
 what revised and enlarged it, to suit the capacity of the 
 eminent scholars before whom it was to be displayed, re- 
 paired to Vallecetos. But, on arriving at that place, he 
 
52 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 
 
 learned with deep regret, tliat the only inhabitant had left a 
 few days prcyious, having availed himself of the opportunity 
 presented by a passing emigrant's horse, — and that, in conse- 
 qnence, the opening of the Institute was indefinitely post- 
 poned. Under these circumstances, and yielding with rC' 
 luctance to the earnest solicitations of many eminent scientific 
 friends, he has been induced to place the Lectui-es before the 
 public in their present form. Should they meet with that 
 success which his sanguine friends prognosticate, the author 
 may be induced subsequently to publish them in the form of 
 a text-book, for the use of the higher schools and universi- 
 ties ; it being his greatest ambition to render himself useful 
 in his day and generation, by widely disseminating the in- 
 formation he has acquired among those who, less fortunate, 
 are yet willing to receive instruction. 
 
 JOHN PHCENIX. 
 
 San Diego Observatory, September 1, 1S51. 
 
 LECTURES ON ASTRONOlMy.— PART I. 
 CHAPTEE I. 
 
 The term Astronomy is derived from two Latin words,- 
 Astra, a star, and onomy, a science ; and literally means the 
 science of the stars. " It is a science," to quote our friend 
 Dick (who was no relation at all of Big Dick, though the 
 latter occasionally caused individuals to see stars), *• which 
 has, in all ages, engaged the attention of the poet, the phi- 
 
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 53 
 
 losopLer, and tlie divine, and been the subjecu of tlieir study 
 and admiration." 
 
 By the wondrous discoveries of the improved telescopes of 
 modern times, we ascertain that upwards of several hundred 
 millions of stars exist, that are invisible to the naked eye — 
 the nearest of which is millions of millions of miles from the 
 Earth ; and as we have every reason to suppose that every 
 one of this inconceivable number of worlds is peopled like 
 our own, a consideration of this fact — and that we are un- 
 doubtedly as superior to these beings, as we are to the rest 
 of mankind — is calculated to fill the mind of the American 
 with a due sense of his own importance in the scale of ani- 
 mated creation. 
 
 It is supposed that each of the stars we see in the Hea- 
 vens in a cloudless night, is a sun shining upon its own cur- 
 vilinear, with light of its own manufacture ; and as it would be 
 absurd to suppose its light and heat were made to be diffused 
 for nothing, it is presumed farther, that each sun, like an old 
 hen, is provided with a parcel of little chickens, in the way 
 of planets, which, shining but feebly by its reflected light, 
 are to us invisible. To this opinion we are led, also, by 
 reasoning from analogy, on considering our own Solar 
 System. 
 
 The Solar System is so called, not because we believe it 
 to be the sole system of the kind in existence, but from its 
 principal body the Sun ; the Latin name of which is Sol. 
 (Thus we read of Sol Smith, literally meaning the son of Old 
 Smith.) On a close examination of the Heavens we perceive 
 
54 
 
 LECTUEES ON ASTRONOMY. 
 
 numerous brilliant stars which shine with a steady light 
 (differing from those which surround them, which are always 
 twinkling like a dew-drop on a cucumber- vine), and which, 
 moreover, do not preserve constantly the same relative dis- 
 tance from the stars near which they are first discovered. 
 These are the planets of the Solae. System, which have no 
 light of their own — of which the Earth, on whic'n we reside, 
 is one, — which shine by light reflected from the Sun, — and 
 which regularly move around that body at different intervals 
 of time and through different ranges in space. Up to the 
 time of a gentleman named Copernicus, who flourished about 
 the middle of the Fifteenth Century, it was supposed by our 
 stupid ancestors that the Earth was the centre of all creation, 
 being a large flat body, resting on a rock which rested on 
 another rock, and so on '' all the way down;" and that the 
 Sun, planets and immovable stars all revolved about it once 
 in twenty-four hours. 
 
 This reminds us of the simplicity of a child we once saw 
 in a railroad-car, who fancied itself perfectly stationary, and 
 thought the fences, houses and fields were tearing past it at 
 the rate of thirty miles an hour ; — and poking out its head 
 to see where on earth they went to, had its hat — a very nice 
 one with pink ribbons — knocked off and irrecoverably lost. 
 But Copernicus (who was a son of Daniel Pernicus, of the 
 firm of Pernicus & Co., wool-dealers, and who was named Co, 
 Pernicus, out of respect to his father's partners) soon set this 
 matter to rights, and started the idea of the present Solar 
 System, which, greatly improved since his day, is occasionally 
 
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 55 
 
 ailed the Copernican system. By this system we learn that 
 the Sun is stationed at one focus (not hocus, as it is rendered, 
 without authority by the philosopher Partington) of an ellipse, 
 where it slowly grinds on for ever ahout its own axis, while 
 the planets, turning about their axes, revolve in elliptical 
 orbits of various dimensions and different planes of inclina- 
 tion around it. 
 
 The demonstration of this system in all its perfection 
 was left to Isaac Newton, an English Philosopher, who, seeing 
 an apple tumble down from a tree, was led to think thereon 
 with such gravity, that he finally discovered the attraction 
 of "gravitation, which proved to be the great law of Nature 
 that keeps every thing in its place. Thus we see that as an 
 apple originally brought sin and ignorance into the world, 
 the same fruit proved thereafter the cause of vast knowledge 
 and enlightenment ; — and indeed we may doubt whether any 
 other fruit but an apple, and a sour one at that, would have 
 produced these great results ; — for, had the fallen fruit been 
 a pear, an orange, or a peach, there is little doubt that New- 
 ton would have eaten it up and thought no more on the sub- 
 ject. 
 
 As in this world you will hardly ever find a man so 
 small but that he has some one else smaller than he, to look 
 up to and revolve around him, so in the Solar System we 
 find that the majority of the planets have one or more 
 smaller planets revolving about them. These small bodies 
 are termed secondaries, moons or satellites — the planets 
 themselves being called primaries. 
 
56 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 
 
 We know at present of eigliteen primaries, viz : Mercury, 
 Venus, the Earth, Mars, Flora, Vesta, Iris, Metis, Hebe, 
 Astrea, Juno, Ceres, Pallas, Hygeia, Jupiter, Saturn, Her- 
 schel, Neptune, and another, yet unnamed. There are dis- 
 tributed among these, nineteen secondaries, all of which 
 except our Moon, are invisible to the naked eye. 
 
 "We shall now proceed to consider, separately, the dif- 
 ferent bodies composing the Solar System, and to make 
 known what little information, comparatively speaking, 
 science has collected regarding them. And, first in order, as 
 in place, we come to 
 
 THE SUN. 
 
 This glorious orb may be seen almost any clear day, by 
 looking intently in its direction, through a piece of smoked 
 glass. Through this medium it appears about the size of a 
 large orange, and of much the same color. It is, however, 
 somewhat larger, being, in fact 887,000 miles in diameter, 
 and containing a volume of matter equal to fourteen hundred 
 thousand globes of the size of the Earth, which is certainly 
 a matter of no small importance. Through the telescope it 
 appears like an enormous globe of fire, with many spots 
 upon its surface, which, unlike those of the leopard, are con- 
 tinually changing. These spots were first discovered by a 
 gentleman named Galileo, in the year 1611. Though the 
 Sun is usually termed and considered the luminary of day, 
 it may not be uninteresting to our readers to know that it 
 certainly has been seen in the night. A scientific friend of 
 ours from New England (Mr. R. W. Emerson) while travel- 
 
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 57 
 
 ing tlirough tlie northern part of Nor-way, witli a cargo of 
 tinware, on tlie 21st of June, 1836, distinctly saw the Sun 
 in all its majesty, shining at midnight ! — in fact, shining all 
 night ! Emerson is not what you would call a superstitious 
 man, by any means — ^but, he left ! Since that time many per- 
 sons have observed its nocturnal appearance in that part of the 
 country, at the same time of the year. This phenomenon has 
 never been witnessed in the latitude of San Diego, however, 
 and it is very improbable that it ever will be. Sacred history 
 informs us that a distinguished military man, named Joshua, 
 once caused the Sun to " stand still ; " how he did it, is not 
 mentioned. There can, of course, be no doubt of the fact, that 
 he arrested its progress, and possibly caused it to "stand still f^ 
 — ^but translators are not always perfectly accurate, and we 
 are inclined to the opinion that it might have wiggled a very 
 little, when Joshua was not looking directly at it. The 
 statement, however, does not appear so very incredible, when 
 we refiect that seafaring men are in the habit of actually 
 bringing the Sun down to the horizon every day at 12 Meri- 
 dian. This they elTect by means of a tool made of brass, 
 glass and silver, called a sextant. The composition of the 
 Sun has long been a matter of dispute. 
 
 By close and accurate observation with an excellent opera- 
 glass, we have arrived at the conclusion that its entire surface 
 is covered with water to a very great depth ; which water, 
 being composed by a process known at present only to the 
 Creator of the Universe and Mr. Paine of Worcester, Mas- 
 sachusetts, generates carburetted hydrogen gas, which, being 
 
58 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 
 
 inflamed, surrounds the entire body witli an ocean of fire, from 
 wliicii we, and the other planets, receive our light and heat. 
 The spots upon its surface are glimpses of water, obtained 
 through the fire ; and we call the attention of our old friend 
 and former schoolmate, Mr. Agassiz, to this fact ; as by 
 closely observing one of these spots with a strong refracting 
 telescope, he may discover a new species of fish, with little 
 fishes inside of them. It is possible that the Sun may burn 
 out after awhile, which would leave this world in a state of 
 darkness quite uncomfortable to contemplate ; but even under 
 these circumstances it is pleasant to reflect, that courting and 
 love-making would probably increase to an indefinite ex- 
 tent, and that many persons would make large fortunes by 
 the sudden rise in value of coal, wood, candles, and gas, vv'hich 
 would go to illustrate the truth of the old proverb, " It's an 
 ill wind that blows nobody any good." 
 
 Upon the whole, the Sun is a glorious creation ; pleasing 
 to gaze upon (through smoked glass), elevating to think upon, 
 and exceedingly comfortable to every created being on a cold 
 day; it is the largest, the brightest, and may be considered 
 by far the most magnificent object in the celestial sphere ; 
 though with all these attributes it must be confessed that it 
 is occasionally entirely eclipsed by the moon. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 We shall now proceed to the consideration of the several 
 planets. 
 
 MERCUKY. 
 
 This planet, with the exception of the asteroids, is the 
 
LECTURE? QN ASTRONOMY. 59 
 
 smallest of the system. It is tlic nearest to the Sun, and, 
 in consequence, cannot be seen (on account of the Sun's 
 superior light), except at its greatest eastern and western 
 elongations, which occur in March and April, August and 
 September, when it may be seen for a short time immediately 
 after sunset and shortly before sunrise. It then appears 
 like a star of the first magnitude, having a white twinliling 
 light, and resembling somewhat the star Regulus in the con- 
 stellation Leo. The day in Mercury is about ten minutes 
 longer than ours, its year is about equal to three of our months. 
 It receives six and a half times as much heat from the Sun 
 as we do ; from which we conclude that the climate must be 
 very similar to that of Fort Yuma, on the Colorado Eiver. 
 The difficulty of communication with Mercury will probably 
 prevent its ever being selected as a military post ; though it 
 possesses many advantages for that purpose, being extremely 
 inaccessible, inconvenient, and, doubtless, singularly uncom- 
 fortable. It receives its name from the God, Mercury, in 
 the Heathen Mythology, who is the patron and tutelary Di- 
 vinity of San Diego County. 
 
 This beautiful planet may be seen either a little after 
 sunset, or shortly before sunrise, according as it becomes 
 the morning or the evening star, but never departing quite 
 48° from the Sun. Its day is about twenty-five minutes 
 shorter than ours ; its year seven and half months or thirty- 
 two weeks. The diameter of Venus is 7,700 miles, and she 
 
60 LECTURES ON ASTE,ONOMY. 
 
 receives from tlie Sun tlirice as mucL. ligLi and lieat as tlie 
 Earth. , - 
 
 An old Butcliman named Scliroeter spent more than ten 
 years in observations on this planet, and finally discovered a 
 mountain on it twenty-two miles in height, but he never could 
 discover any thing on the mountain, not even a mouse, and 
 finally died about as wise as when he commenced his 
 studies. 
 
 Yenus, in Mythology, was a Goddess cf singular beauty, 
 who became the wife of Vulcan, the blacksmith, and we re- 
 gret to add, behaved in the most immoral manner after her 
 marriage. The celebrated case of Vulcan vs. Mars, and the 
 consequent scandal, is probably still fresh in the minds of 
 our readers. By a large portion of society, however, she was 
 considered an ill-used and persecuted lady, against whose 
 high tone of morals, and strictly virtuous conduct not a 
 shadow of suspicion could be cast; Vulcan, by the same 
 parties, was considered a horrid brute, and they all agreed 
 that it served him right when he lost his case and had to 
 pay the costs of court. Venus still remains the Goddess of 
 Beauty, and not a few of her proteges may be found in 
 California. 
 
 THE EARTH. 
 
 The Earth, or as the Latins called it, Tellus (from which 
 originated the expression, " do tell us)," is the third planet 
 in the Solar System, and the one on which we subsist, with 
 all our important joys and sorrows. The San Diego Herald 
 
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 61 
 
 is published weekly on this planet, for five dollars per anmirn. 
 payable invariably in advance. As the Earth is by no means 
 the most important planet in the system, there is no reason to 
 suppose that it is particularly distinguished from the others 
 by being inhabited. It is reasonable, therefore, to conclude, 
 that all the other planets of the system are filled with living, 
 moving and sentient beings ; and as some of them are su- 
 perior to the Earth in size and position, it is not improbable 
 that their inhabitants may be superior to us in physical and 
 mental organization. 
 
 But if this were a demonstrable fact, instead of a mere 
 hypothesis, it would be found a very difficult matter to per- 
 suade us of its truth. To the inhabitants of Venus, the 
 Earth appears like a brilliant star, very much, in fact, as 
 Venus appears to us; and, reasoning from analogy, we are 
 led to believe that the election of Mr. Pierce, the European 
 war, or the split in the great Democratic party produced but 
 very little excitement among them. 
 
 To the inhabitants of Jupiter, our important globe ap- 
 pears like a small star of the fourth or fifth magnitude. We 
 recollect some years ago gazing with astonishment upon the 
 inhabitants of a drop of water, developed by the Solar Micro- 
 scope, and secretly wondering whether they were or not rea- 
 soning beings, with souls to be saved. It is not altogether a 
 pleasant reflection that a highly scientific inhabitant of 
 Jupiter, armed with a telescope of (to us) inconceivable 
 form, may be pursuing a similar course of inquiry, and in- 
 dulging in similar speculations regarding our Earth and its 
 
62 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 
 
 inlialbitants. Gazing with curious eye, Lis attention is sud 
 denly attracted by the movements of a grand celebration of 
 Fourth of July in New York, or a mighty convention in 
 Baltimore. " God bless my soul," he exclaims, " I declare 
 they're alive, these little creatures, do see them wriggle ! " 
 To an inhabitant of the Sun, however, he of Jupiter is 
 probably quite as insignificant, and the Sun man is possibly 
 a mere atom in the opinion of a dweller in Sirius. A little 
 reflection on these subjects leads to the opinion, that the 
 death of an individual man on this Earth, though perhaps 
 as important an event as can occur to himself, is calculated 
 to cause no great convulsion of Nature or disturb particularly 
 the great aggregate of created beings. 
 
 The Earth moves round the sun from west to east in a 
 year, and turns on its axis in a day ; thus moving at the 
 rate of 68,000 miles an hour in its orbit, and rolling around 
 at the tolerably rapid rate of 1,040 miles per hour. As our 
 readers may have seen that when a man is galloping a horse 
 violently over a smooth road, if the horse from viciousness 
 or other cause suddenly stops, the man keeps on at the 
 same rate over the animal's head; so we, supposing the 
 Earth to be suddenly arrested on its axis, men, women, 
 children, horses, cattle and sheep, donkeys, editors and mem- 
 bers of Congress, with all our goods and chattels, would be 
 thrown off into the air at a speed of 173 miles a minute, 
 every mother's son of us describing the arc of a parabola 
 which is probably the only description we should ever be 
 able to give of the aSair. 
 
LECTURES ON ASTnONOMY. 63 
 
 This catastrophe, to one sufficiently collected to enjoy it, 
 would, doubtless, be exceedingly amusing ; but as there would 
 probably be no time for laughing, we pray that it may not 
 occur until after our demise ; when, should it take place, our 
 monument will probably accompany the movement. It is a 
 singular fact, that if a man travel round the Earth in an east- 
 wardly direction, he will find, on returning to the place of 
 departure, he has gained one whole day ; the reverse of this 
 proposition being true also, it follows that the Yankees who 
 are constantly travelling to the West, do not live as long by a 
 day or two as they would if they had staid at home ; and sup- 
 posing each Yankee's time to be worth $1.50 per day, it may 
 be easily shown that a considerable amount of money is an- 
 nually lost by their roving dispositions. 
 
 Science is yet but in its infancy ; with its growth, new 
 discoveries of an astounding nature w-ill doubtless be made 
 among which, probably, will be some method by which the 
 course of the Earth may be altered and it be steered with the 
 same ease and regularity through space and among the stars, 
 as a steamboat is now directed through the water. It will 
 be a very interesting spectacle to see the Earth " rounding 
 to," with her head to the air, off Jupiter, while the Moon is 
 sent off laden with mails and passengers for that planet, to 
 bring back the return mails and a large party of rowdy Jupi- 
 ter ians going to attend a grand prise fight in the ring of 
 Saturn. 
 
 Well, Christopher Columbus would have been just a3 
 much astonished at a revelation of the steamboat, and the lo- 
 
64 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 
 
 comotive engine, as we should be to witness the above per 
 formance, wbich our intelligent posterity during the ensuing 
 year, A. J). 2,000, will possibly look upon as a very ordinary 
 and common-place affair. 
 
 Only three days ago we asked a medium, where Sir John 
 Franklin was at that time ; to which he replied, he was cruis- 
 ing about (officers and crew all well) on the interior of the 
 Earth, to which he had obtained entrance through Symmes' 
 Hole ! 
 
 With a few remarks upon the Earth's Satellite, we con- 
 clude the first Lecture on Astronomy; the remainder of the 
 course being contained in a second Lecture, treating of the 
 planets, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn and Neptune, the Asteroids, 
 and the fixed stars, which last, being " fixings," are, accord- 
 ing to Mr. Charles Dickens, American property. 
 
 THE MOON. 
 
 This resplendent luminary, like a youth on the 4th of 
 July, has its first quarter ; like a ruined spendthrift its last 
 quarter, and like an omnibus, is occasionally full and new. 
 The evenings on which it appears between these last stages 
 are beautifully illumined by its clear, mellow light. 
 
 The Moon revolves in an elliptical orbit about the Earth 
 in twenty-nine days twelve hours forty-four minutes and three 
 seconds, the time which elapses between one new Moon and 
 another. It was supposed by the ancient philosophers that 
 the Moon was made of green cheese, an opinion still enter- 
 tained by the credulous and ignorant. Kepler and Tyco 
 Brahe, however, held to the opinion that it was composed of 
 
LECTURKS ON ASTRONOMY. C5 
 
 Charlotte Russe, tlie dark portions of its surface "being sponge 
 cake, the light hlanc mange. Modern advances in science 
 and the use of Lord Rosse's famous telescope, have demon- 
 strated the absurdity of all these speculations by proving con- 
 clusively that the Moon is mainly composed of the Ferro — 
 sesqui — cyanuret, of the cyanide of potassium ! Up to the 
 latest dates fPom the Atlantic States, no one has succeeded in 
 reaching the Moon. Should any one do so hereafter, it will 
 probably be a woman, as the sex will never cease making an 
 exertion for that purpose as long as there is a man in it. 
 
 Upon the whole, we may consider the Moon an excellent 
 institution, among the many we enjoy under a free, republican 
 form of government, and it is a blessed thing to reflect that 
 the President of the United States cannot ?;e^o it, no matter how 
 strong an inclination he may feel, from principle or habit, to do so. 
 
 It has been ascertained beyond a doubt that the Moon has 
 no air. Consecpently, the common expressions, " the Moon 
 was gazing down with an air of benevolence," or with " an 
 air of complacency," or with " an air of calm superiority,'"' are 
 incorrect and objectionable, the fact being that the Moon has 
 no air at all. 
 
 The existence of the celebrated " Man in the Moon " has 
 been frequently questioned by modern philosophers. The 
 whole subject is involved. in doubt and obscurity. The only 
 authority we have for believing that such an individual ex- 
 ists, and has been seen and spoken with, is a fragment of an 
 old poem composed by an ancient Astronomer of the name of 
 Goose, which has been handed down to us as follows : 
 
66 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 
 
 " The man in the Moon, came down too soon 
 To inquire the way to Norwich ; 
 The man in the South, he burned his mouth, 
 Eating cold, hot porridge." « 
 
 The evidence conveyed in this distich is however rejected 
 by the sceptical, among modern Astronomers, who consider 
 the passage an allegory. " The man in the §outh," being 
 supposed typical of the late John C. Calhoun, and the " cold, 
 hot porridge," alluded to the project of nullification. 
 
 EXD OF LEOTtJKE FIEST. 
 
 Note by the Author. — Itinerant Lecturers are cautioned 
 against making use of the above production, without obtaining 
 the necessary authority from the proprietors of the Pioneer Mag- 
 azine. To those who may obtain such authority, it may be well 
 to state, that at the close of the Lecture it was the intention of 
 the author to exhibit and explain to the audience an orrery, ac- 
 companying and interspersing his remarks by a choice selection 
 of popular airs on the hand-organ. 
 
 An economical orrery may be constructed by attaching 
 eighteen wires of graduated lengths to the shaft of a candlestick, 
 apples of different sizes being placed at their extremities to repre- 
 sent the Planets, and a central orange resting on the candlestick, 
 representing the Sun. 
 
 An orrery of this description is however liable to the objec- 
 tion, that if handed around among the audience for examination, 
 it is seldom returned uninjured. The author has known an in- 
 stance in which a child four years of age, on an occasion of this 
 kind, devoured in succession the planets Jupiter and Herschel, 
 and bit a large spot out of the Sun before he could be arrested. 
 
 J. P. 
 
PISTOL SHGOTma— A COUNTER 
 CHALLENGE. 
 
 San Diego, Cal^ Sept. 1, 1S54. 
 
 I COPY the following paragraph from the Spirit of the 
 Times J for July 15 th : 
 
 " PISTOL SHOOTING— A CHALLENGE. 
 
 Owing to the frequent and urgent solicitations of many of my 
 friends, I am induced to make the following propositions : 
 
 1. 1 wiU fit a dollar to the end of a twig two inches long, and 
 while a second person will hold the other end in his mouth, so 
 as to bring the coin within an inch and a half of his face, I en- 
 gage to strike the dollar, three times out of five, at the distance 
 of ten paces, or thirty feet. I will add in explanation, tnat 
 there are several persons willing and ready to hold the twig or 
 stick described above, when required. 
 
 2. 1 will hit a dollar, tossed in the air, or any other object of 
 the same size, three times out of five on a wheel and fire. 
 
 3. At the word, I will split three balls out of five, on a knife 
 blade, placed at the distance of thirty feet. 
 
 4-. I w^ill hit three birds out of five, sprung from the trap, 
 standing thirty feet from the trap when shooting. 
 
 5. I will break, at the word, five common clay pipe stems out 
 of seven, at the distance of thirty feet. 
 
08 PISTOL SHOOTING — A COUNTER CHALLENGE. 
 
 G. I engage to prove, by fair trial, that no pistol-shot can be 
 produced who will shoot an apple off a man's head, at the dis- 
 tance of thirty feet, oftener than I can. Moreover I will produce 
 two persons willing and ready to hold the apple on their heads 
 for me, when required to do so. 
 
 7. I will wager, lastly, that no person in the United States 
 can be produced who will hit a quarter of a dollar at the distance 
 of thirty feet, oftener than I can, on a wheel and Jive. 
 
 I am willing 'to bet $5,000 on any of the above propositions, 
 one fourth of that amount forfeit. So soon as any bet will be 
 closed, the money shall be deposited in the Bank of the State of 
 Missouri, until paid over by the judges, or withdrawn, less forfeit. 
 1 will give the best and most satisfactory references that my share 
 will be forthcoming when any of my propositions are taken up. 
 Any one desiring to take up any of my propositions must ad- 
 dress me by letter, through the St. Louis Post OflBce, as the ad- 
 vertisements or notices of newspapers might not meet my -eye. 
 Propositions will be received until the first of September next. 
 
 Edmund W. Paul, 
 14.0 Sixth Street, between Franklin Avenue and 
 Morgan Street, St. Louis, Missouri. 
 
 1 am unable to see any thing very extraordinary in the 
 above propositions, by Mr. Edmund "W. Paul. Any person, 
 acquainted with the merest rudiments of the pistol, could 
 certainly execute any or all of the proposed feats without the 
 slightest difficulty. 
 
 " Owing " to my entertaining these opinions, " without 
 solicitation from friends, and unbiassed by unworthy mo- 
 tives," I am induced to make the following propositions : — 
 
 1. I will suspend two dollars- by a ring from a second 
 person's nose, so as to bring the coins within three fourths 
 of an inch from his face, and with a double barrelled shot- 
 
PISTOL SHOOTING ^A COUNTER CHALLENGE. 69 
 
 giin, at a distance of tliirty feet, will blow dollars, nose and 
 man at least thirty feet further, four times out of five. I 
 will add, in explanation, that, San Diego containing a rather 
 intelligent community, I can find, at present, no one here 
 willing or ready to have his nose blown in this manner : 
 but I have no manner of doubt I could obtain such a 
 person from St. Louis, by Adams &. Co.'s Express, in due 
 season. 
 
 2. I will hit a dollar, or any thing else that has been 
 tossed in the air (of the same size), on a wheel, on a jpole or 
 axletree, or on the ground, every time out of five. 
 
 3. At the word, I will place five balls on the blade of 
 a penknife, and split them all ! 
 
 4. I will hit three men out of five, sprung from obscure 
 parentage, and stand within ten feet of a steel-trap (properly 
 set) while shooting! 
 
 5. I will break at the word, a whole box of common clay 
 pipes, with a single brick, at a distance of thirty feet. 
 
 6. I engage to prove by a fair trial, that no pistol-shot 
 (or other person) can be produced, who will throw more 
 apples at a man's head than I can. Moreover, I can produce 
 in this town more than sixty persons willing and ready to 
 hold an apple on their heads for me, provided they are al- 
 lowed to eat the apple subsequently. 
 
 7. I will wager, lastly, that no person in the United 
 States can be produced, who, with a double barrelled shot- 
 gun, while throwing a back-handed summerset, can hit 
 
70 PISTOL SHOOTING ^A COUNTER CHALLENGE. 
 
 oftener, a dollar and a half, on tliG perimeter of a revolving 
 wheel, in rapid motiony than I can. 
 
 Any one desiring to take up any of my propositions, will 
 address me through the columns of The Pioneer Ifagazine. 
 Propositions will be received on the first of April next. 
 
 JOHN PHCENIX. 
 
 1384 Seventeentli Street, Yallecitos. 
 " Se compra oro aqui, up stairs." 
 
 P. S. Satisfactory references given and re(][uired. A 
 bet from a steady, industrious person, who will be apt to pay 
 if he loses, will meet with prompt attention. J. P. 
 
ANTIDOTE FOE FLEAS. 
 
 The following recipe from tlie writings of Miss Hannah 
 More, may be found useful to your readers : 
 
 In a climate where the attacks of fleas are a constant 
 source of annoyance, any method which will alleviate them 
 becomes a desideratum. It is, therefore, with pleasure I 
 make known the following recipe, which I am assured has 
 been tried with efficacy. 
 
 Boil a quart of tar until it becomes quite thin. Eemove 
 the clothing, and before the tar becomes perfectly cool, with 
 a broad flat brush, apply a thin, smooth coating to the entire 
 surface of the body and limbs. While the tar remains soft, 
 the flea becomes entangled in its tenacious folds, and is 
 rendered perfectly harmless ; but it will soon form a hard, 
 smooth coating, entirely impervious to his bite. Should the 
 coating crack at the knee or elbow joints, it is merely neces- 
 sary to retouch it slightly at those places. The whole coat 
 should be renewed every three or four weeks. This remedy 
 
72 ANTIDOTE FOR FLEAS. 
 
 is sure, and having tlie advantage of simplicity and economy, 
 slionld be generally known. 
 
 So much for Miss More. A still simpler method of pre- 
 venting the attacks of these little pests, is one which I have 
 lately discovered myself; — in theory only — I have not yet 
 put it into practice. On feeling the bite of a flea, thrust the 
 part bitten immediately into boiling water. The heat of the 
 water destroys the insect and instantly removes the pain of 
 the bite. 
 
 You have probably heard of old Parry Dox. I met him 
 here a few days since, in a sadly seedy condition. He told 
 me that he was still extravagantly fond of whisky, though he 
 was constantly "running it down." I inquired after his 
 wife. " She is dead, poor creature," said he, " and is probably 
 far better off than ever she was here. She was a seamstress, 
 and her greatest enjoyment of happiness in this world was 
 only so, 60." 
 
PHCEOTX AT THE MISSION DOLOKES. 
 
 Mission of Doloees, 15tli January, 1S55. 
 
 It was my intention to farnisli you, this montli, with an 
 elaborate article on a deeply interesting subject, but a serious 
 domestic calaiiiity has prevented. I allude to the loss of 
 my stove-pipe, in the terrific gale of the 31st December. 
 
 There are few residents of this city whose business or 
 inclination has called them to the Mission of Dolores, that 
 have not seen and admired that stove-pipe. Eising above 
 the kitchen chimney to the noble altitude of nearly twelve 
 feet, it pointed to a better world, and was pleasantly sugges- 
 tive of hot cakes for breakfast. From the window of my 
 back porch, I have gazed for hours upon that noble structure ; 
 and watching its rotary cap, shifting with every breeze, and 
 pouring forth clouds of gas and vapor, I have mused on poli- 
 tics, and fancied myself a Politician. It was an accomplished 
 Btove-pipe. The melody accompanying its movements, in- 
 aptly termed creaking by the soulless, gave evidence of its 
 4 
 
74 FHCENIX AT THE MISSION DOLOEES. 
 
 taste for Music, and its proficiency in Prawing was tbo 
 wonder and deliglit of onr family circle. It had no "bad 
 habits — it did not even smoke. 
 
 I fondly hoped to enjoy its society for years, but one by 
 one our dearest treasures are snatched from us : the soot fell, 
 and the stove-pipe has followed soot. On the night of the 
 31st of Dec, a gale arose, perfectly unexampled in its ter- 
 rific violence. Houses shook as with tertian ague, trees were 
 uprooted, roofs blown oii, and ships foundered at the docks. 
 A stove-pipe is not a pyramid — ^what resistance could mine 
 oj)pose to such a storm ? One by one its protecting wires 
 were severed ; and as it bowed its devoted head to the fury 
 of the blast, shrieks of more than mortal agony attested the 
 desperate nature of its situation. At length the Storm 
 Spirit fell upon the feeble and reeling structure in its wrath, 
 and whirling it madly in the air with resistless force, break- 
 ing several tenpenny nails, and loosening many of the upper 
 bricks of the chimney, dashed it down to earth. But why 
 harrow up the feelings of your readers by a continuation of 
 the distressing narrative. The suffering that we have en- 
 dured, the tears that have been shed since this loss will be 
 understood, and commiserated, when I add — the next morn- 
 ing the kitchen chimney smoked, and has been doing it in- 
 termittently ever since ! 
 
 Since my last, scarcely a gleam of fun has come to illu< 
 mine the usual dull monotony of the Mission of Dolores, — 
 
 " The days have been dark and dreary 
 It rains, and the wind is never vreary." 
 
PHCENIX AT THE mSSION DOLORES. 75 
 
 A littlo occurrence at the toll-gate, the other day,' is worthy 
 of notice, perhaps, as betokening " the good time a-coming." 
 A well-known gentleman of your city, who frequently drives 
 forth on the Plank Road, perched on one of those little gigs 
 that somebody compares to a tea-tray on wheels, with the 
 reins hanging down behind, like unfastened suspenders, in an 
 absent frame of mind, drove slowly past the Eubicon without 
 bifurcating the customary half-dollar. Out rushed the en- 
 thusiastic toll-gatherers, shouting, " Toll, sir, toll ! you've 
 forgot the toil I" "Oh! don't bother me, gentlemen," re- 
 plied the absent one, in a lachrymose tone, and with a most 
 woful expression, " Fm an orphan hoy ! " This appeal to 
 the sympathies of the toll-men was effective; their hearts 
 were touched, and the orphan went on his way rejoicing. 
 
 It is amusing to observe the shifts a maker of Poetry will 
 resort to, when compelled to make use of an irrelevant sub- 
 ject to eke out his rhyme to convince himself and his readers 
 that the faux pas was quite intentional, the result of study, 
 and should be admired rather than criticised. In a poem 
 called " Al Aaraaf," by Edgar A. Poe, who, when living, 
 thought himself, in all seriousness, the only living original 
 Poet, and that all other manufacturers of Poetry were mere 
 copyists, continually infringing on his patent — occurs the fol- 
 lowing passage, in which may be found a singular instance of 
 the kind alluded to : 
 
 " Ligeia ! Ligeia ! 
 My 'beautiful one ! 
 "Whose harshest idea 
 Will to melody run : 
 
76 THCENIX AT THE MISSION DOLORES. 
 
 Ola is it thy vrill, 
 
 On the breezes to toss ; 
 
 Or capriciously still, 
 
 Like the lone Albatross, 
 
 Incumbent on Night, 
 
 (As she on the a,ir), 
 
 To keep watch with delight 
 
 On the harmony there ? " 
 
 Observe tliat note : " The Albatross is said to sleep o?i 
 the wingy Who said so? I sliould like to kno-R^. Buffon 
 didn't mention it ; neither does Audulbon. Coleridge, who 
 made the habits of that rare bird a study, never found it out ; 
 and the undersigned, who has gazed on many Albatrosses, 
 and had much discourse with ancient mariners concerning 
 them, never suspected the circumstance, or heard it elsewhere 
 remarked upon. 
 
 I am inclined to believe that it never occurred to Mr. 
 Poe, until having become embarrassed by that unfortunate 
 word " toss," he was obliged to bring in either a hoss^ or an 
 albatross ; and preferring the bird as the more poetical, in- 
 vented the extraordinary fact to explain his appearance. 
 
 The above lines, I am told, have been much admired ; but 
 if they are true poetry, so are the following : 
 
 Highflier! Highflier! 
 
 My long-legged one ! 
 
 Whose mildest idea 
 
 Is to kick up and run : 
 
 Oh, is it thy will • 
 
 Thy switch-tail to toss ; 
 
 Or caper viciously still. 
 
 Like an old sorrel horse, [pron. " Koss"!^ 
 
THCENIX AT THE MISSION DOLORES. 77 
 
 Incumbent on thee, 
 As on liim, to rear, \_pron. " rare,"] 
 And though sprung in the knee, 
 With thy heels in the air ? 
 
 A note for me, and the man waiting for an answer, said ye '? 
 Now, hj the sliade of Sliadrach, and the chimney of Nebu- 
 chadnezzar's fiery furnace ! 'tis the bill for the new chimney ! 
 Bills, bills, bills ! How can a man name his child William ? 
 The horrid idea of the partner of his joys, and sorrows, pre- 
 senting him with a BiU ! — and to have that Bill coutinually 
 in the house — constantly running np and down stairs — al- 
 ways unsettled, — Distraction's in the thought ! Tell that 
 man, Bridget, I'm sick; and, lucky thought, say it's the 
 smallpox; and ask him to call again when I've got better, 
 
 and gone to San Diego for my health. He's gone. I see 
 
 him from a hole in the window curtain, flying off in a zig- 
 zag direction, and looking back timorously, like a jacksnipe, 
 with his long bill. I shall write no more ; like that bill, I 
 feel unsettled. Adieu ! 
 
SQUIBOB IN BENICIA. 
 
 Eenicia, October 1st, 1850. 
 
 LexIving tlie metropolis last evening by the gradually-in- 
 creasing-in-poi^ularity steamer, " West Point," I ' skeeted ' up 
 Pablo Bay with the intention of spending a few days at the 
 world-renowned seaport of Benicia. Our Captain (a very 
 pleasant and gentlemanly little fellow by the way) was named 
 Swift, our passengers were emphatically a fast set, the wind 
 blew like well-watered rose bushes, and the tide was strong 
 in our favor. All these circumstances tended to impress me 
 with the idea, that we were to make a wonderfully quick 
 passage, but alas, " the race in not always to the Swift," the 
 " Senator " passed us ten miles from the wharf, and it was nine 
 o'clock and very dark at that, when we were roped in by the 
 side of the " ancient and fishlike " smelling hulk that forms 
 the broad wharf of Benicia. As I shouldered my carpet bag, 
 and stepped upon the wharf among the dense crowd of four 
 individuals that were there assembled, and gazing upon the 
 
SQTIIBOB IN EENICIA. 79 
 
 mighty city wliose glimmering lights, feebly discernible through 
 the Beuician darkness, extended over an area of five acres, an 
 overpowering sense of the grandeur and majesty of the great 
 rival of San Francisco, affected me. — I felt my own extreme 
 insignificance, and was fain to lean upon a pile of water mel- 
 ons for support. " Boy ! " said I, addressing an intelligent speci- 
 men of humanity who formed an integral portion of the above 
 mentioned crowd, " Boy ! can you direct me to the best hotel 
 in this city ? " — " Aint but one," responded the youth, " Winn 
 keeps it ; right up the hill thar." Decidedly, thought I, I will go 
 in to Winn, and reshouldering my carpet bag, I blundered down 
 the ladder, upon a plank foot-path leading over an extensive 
 morass in the direction indicated, not noticing, in my abstrac- 
 tion, that I had inadvertently retained within my grasp the 
 melon upon which my hand had rested " Saw yer /" resounded 
 from the wharf as I retired — " Saiv yer I " repeated several in- 
 dividuals upon the foot-path. For an instant my heart beat 
 with violence at the idea of being seen accidentally appropri- 
 ating so contemptible an affair as a water-melon ; but hearing 
 a man with a small white hat, and large white moustache, 
 shout "hello ! " and immediately rush with frantic violence up 
 the ladder, I comprehended that Sawyer was his proper name, 
 and by no means alluded to me or my proceedings ; so slip- 
 ping the melon in my carpet bag, I trancjuilly resumed my 
 journey. A short walk brought me to the portal of the best 
 and only hotel in the city, a large two-story building digni- 
 fied by the title of the " Solano Hotel," where I was graciously 
 received by mine host, who welcomed me to Bcnieia in the 
 
80 SQUIBOB IN ESNICIA. 
 
 most winning manner. After sliglitly refresliing my innei 
 man with a feeble stimulant, and undergoing an introductior 
 fio the oldest inhabitant, I calmly seated myself in the bar-room, 
 and contemplated Tzith intense interest the progress of a game 
 of billiards between two enterprising citizens ; but finding after 
 a lapse of two hours, that there was no earthly probability of its 
 ever beiag concluded, I seized a candlestick and retired to my 
 room. Here I discussed my melon with intense relish, and 
 then seeking my couch, essayed to sleep. — But, oh ! the fleas ! 
 skipping, hopping, crawling, biting ! " Won't some one estab- 
 lish an agency for the sale of D. L. Charles & Go's. Flea 
 bane, in Benicia ?" I agonizingly shouted, and echo answered 
 through the reverberating halls of the " Solano Hotel," " Yes, 
 they won't ! " "What a night ! But every thing must have an 
 end (circles and California gold excepted), and day at last 
 broke over Benicia. Magnificent place ! I gazed upon it 
 from the attic window of the " Solano Hotel," with feelings 
 too deep for utterance. The sun was rising in its majesty? 
 gilding the red wood shingles of the XJ. S. Storehouses in the 
 distance; seven deserted hulks were riding majestically at 
 anchor in the bay; clothes-lines, with their burdens, were 
 flapping in the morning breeze ; a man with a wheelbarrow 
 was coming down the street ! — Every thing, in short, spoke of 
 the life, activity, business, and bustle of a great city. But in 
 the midst of the excitement of this scene, an odoriferous 
 smell of beef-steak came, like a holy calm, across my olfacto- 
 ries, and hastily drawing in my caheza^ I descended to break- 
 fast. This operation concluded, I took a stroll in company 
 
SQUIEOB IN BENICIA. " 81 
 
 with the oldest inhabitant, from whom I obtained much val- 
 uable information (which I hasten to present), and who 
 cheerfully volunteered to accompany me as a guide, to the 
 lions of the city. There are no less than forty-two wooden 
 houses, many of them two stories in height, in this great 
 place — and nearly twelve hundred inhabitants, men, women 
 and children ! There are six grocery, provision, drygoods, 
 auction, commission, and where-you-can-get-almost-any-little- 
 thing-you- want-stores, one hotel, one school-house — ^vv^hich is 
 also a hrovet church — three billiard tables, a post-of&ce — from 
 which I actually saw a man get a letter — and a ten-pin-alley, 
 where I am told a man once rolled a whole game, paid ^1.50 
 for it, and walked oiF chuckling. — Then there is a " monte 
 banlv " — a Common Council, and a Mayor, whom my guide 
 informed me, was called " Garne^'' from a singular habit he 
 has of eating roast beef for dinner. — But there isn't a tree 
 in all Benicia. " There was one," said the guide, " last year 
 —only four miles from here, but they chopped it down for 
 firewood for the ^ post.' Alas ! why didn't the woodman spare 
 that tree ? " The dwelling of one individual pleased me in- 
 describably — he had painted it a vivid green ! Imaginative 
 being. He had evidently tried to fancy it a tree, and in the 
 enjoyment of this sweet illusion, had reclined beneath its 
 grateful shade, secured from the rays of the burning sun, and 
 in the full enjoyment of rural felicity even among the crowded 
 streets of this great metropolis. How pretty is the map of 
 Benicia ! "We went to see that, too. It's all laid off in 
 sc[uare3 and streets, for ever so far, and you can see the pegs 
 
82 ' SQUIBOB IN BEKICIA. 
 
 stuck in the ground at every corner, only tliey are not exact- 
 ly in a line, sometimes ; and there is Aspinwall's wharf, where 
 they are building a steamer of iron, that looks like a large pan, 
 and Semple Slip, all divided on the map by lines and dots, into 
 little lots, of incredible value ; but just now they are all under 
 water, so no one can tell what they are actually worth. Oh ! 
 decidedly Benicia is a great place. " And how much, my dear 
 sir," I modestly inquired of the gentlemanly recorder who 
 displayed the map ; " how much may this lot be worth ? " and 
 T pointed with my finger at lot No. 97, block 16,496 — situa- 
 ted as per map, in the very centre of the swamp. " That, sir," 
 replied he with much suavity, " ah ! it would be held at about 
 three thousand dollars, I suppose." — I shuddered — and re- 
 tired. The history of Benicia is singular. The origin of its 
 name as related by the oldest inhabitant is remarkable. I put 
 it right down in my note-book as he spoke, and believe it 
 religiously, every word. " Many years ago," said that aged 
 man, " this property was owned by two gentlemen, one of 
 whom, from the extreme candor and ingenuousness of his 
 character, we will call Simple ; the other being distinguished 
 for waggery, and a disposition for practical joking, I shall 
 call, as in fact he was familiarly termed in those days — Lar- 
 kin. While walking over these grounds in company, on one 
 occasion, and being naturally struck by its natural advanta^ 
 ges, said Simple to Larkin, ' Why not make a city here, my 
 boy ? have it surveyed into squares, bring up ships, build 
 houses, make it a port of entry, establish depots, sell lots, and 
 knock the centre out of Yerba Buena straight.' (Yerba 
 
SQUIBOB IN BENICIA 83 
 
 Buena is now San Francisco, reader.) ' Ali ! ' quoth Larkiu with 
 a pleasant grin diffusing itself over his agreeable countenance 
 ' that would be nice, hey ? ' " Need we say that the plan was 
 adopted — carriod out — proved successful — and Larliin's me- 
 morable remark " he nicCj hey^^^ being adopted as the name of the 
 growing city, gradually became altered and vulgarized into its 
 present form Benicia ! A curious history this, which would 
 have delighted Home Took beyond measure. Having visited 
 the Masonic Hall, which is really a large and beautiful build- 
 ing, rejecting credit alike on the Architect and the fraternity) 
 being by far the best and most convenient hall in the coun- 
 try, I returned to the Solano Hotel, where I was accosted 
 by a gentleman in a blue coat with many buttons, and a san- 
 guinary streak down the leg of his trowsers, whom I almost 
 immediately recognized as my old friend. Captain George P. 
 Jambs, of the U. S. Artillery, a thorough-going adohe^ as the 
 Spaniard has ifc, and a member in high and regular standing 
 of the Damfudgin Club. He lives in a delightful little cot- 
 tage, about a quarter of a mile from the centre of the city — 
 being on duty at the Post — which is some mile, mile and 
 a half or two miles from that metropolis — and pressed me so 
 earnestly to partake of his hospitality during my short sojourn, 
 that I was at last fain to pack up my property, including the 
 remains of the abstracted melon, and in spite of the blandish- 
 ments of my kind host of the Solano, accompany him to his 
 domicile, which he very appropriately names "Mischief Hall." 
 So here I am installed for a few days, at the expiration of 
 which I shall make a rambling excursion to Sonoma, Napa 
 
84 SQUIEOB IN BEI-aCIA. 
 
 and the like, and from wlience perliaps yoii may liear from 
 me. As I set here looking from my airy cliamber, upon tke 
 crowds of two or three persons, thronging the streets of the 
 great city ; as I gaze upon that man carrying home a pound 
 and a half of fresh beef for his dinner; as I listen to the hell of 
 the Mary (a Napa steam packet of four cat power) ringing for 
 departure, while her captain in a hoarse voice of authority, re- 
 quests the passengers to " step over the other side, as the lar- 
 board paddle-box is under water;" as I view all these unmis- 
 takable signs of the growth and prosperity of Benicia, I can- 
 not but wonder at the infatuation of the people of your vil- 
 lage, who will persist in their absurd belief that San Fran- 
 cisco will becpme a place^ and do not hesitate to advance the 
 imbecile idea that it may become a successful rival of this 
 city. Nonsense ! — Oh Lord ! at this instant there passed by 
 my window the — ^prettiest — little — I can't write any more 
 this week ; if this takes, I'll try it again. 
 Yours for ever 
 
 SQUIBOB. 
 
SQUIBOB IN SONOMA. 
 
 SoNOHA, October 10, 1S50. 
 
 I ARRIVED at tliis place some days since, "but have "been 
 so entirely occupied during the interval, in racing over tho 
 adjacent hills in pursuit of unhappy partridges, wandering 
 along the hanks of the beautiful creek, whipping its tranquil 
 surface for speckled trout, or cramming myself with grapes 
 at the vineyard, that I have not, until this moment, found 
 time to fulfil my promise of a continuation of my travelling 
 adventures. I left Benicia with satisfaction. Ungrateful 
 people I had expected, after the very handsome manner in 
 which I had spoken of their city ; the glowing description of 
 its magnitude, prosperity and resources that I had given, the 
 consequent rise in property that had taken place ; the mani- 
 fest effect that my letter would produce upon the action oi 
 Congress in making Benicia a port of entry ; in view of alJ. 
 these circumstances I had, indeed, expected some trifling 
 compliment — a public dinner, possibly, or peradventure a deli- 
 cate present of a lot or two — the deeds inclosed in a mat and 
 
86 SQUIBOB IN SONOMA. 
 
 appropriate letter from tlie Town Council. But no ! — the 
 name of Squibob remains unlionored and unsung, and, wliat is 
 far worse, unrecorded and untaxed in magnificent Benicia. 
 " How sharper than a serpent's thanks it is to have a toothless 
 child," as Pope beautifully remarks in his Paradise Lost. 
 One individual characterized my letter as ''a d — d burlesque." 
 I pity that person, and forgive him. 
 
 For the last few days of my stay in Benicia, that city 
 was in a perfect whirl of excitement. The election was 
 rapidly approaching, and Herr Bossiter was exhibiting feats 
 of legerdemain at the California House. Individuals were 
 rushing about the streets proffering election tickets of all 
 shapes and sises, and tickets for the exhibition were on sale 
 at all the principal hotels. One man conjured you to take a 
 ticket, while another asked you to take a ticket to see the 
 man conjured, so that what, with the wire-pulling by day, 
 and the slack wire performance by night, you stood an excel- 
 lent chance for getting slightly bewildered. Public meetings 
 were held, where multitudes of fifty excited individuals sur- 
 rounded the steps of the " El Dorado," listening with breath- 
 less interest to a speech in favor of McDaniels, and abusive to 
 Bradford, or in favor of somebody else and everlastingly con- 
 demnatory of both. Election meetings, any where, are al- 
 ways exciting and interesting spectacles, but the moral effect 
 produced by the last which I attended in Benicia, when (after 
 some little creature named Frisbie had made a speech, declar- 
 ing his readiness to wrap himself in the Star-spangled Ban- 
 ner, fire off a pistol, and die like a son of Liberty, for 
 
SQUIBOB IN SONOMA. 87 
 
 the Union) Dr. Simple slowly unfolded himself to 
 his utmost height, and with one hand resting upon the 
 chimney of the " El Dorado," and the other holding his 
 serape up to Heaven, denounced such sentiments, and declar- 
 ing that California had made him, and he should go his 
 length for California, right or wrong, union or disunion. 
 The moral effect, I say, produced, was something more than 
 exciting ; it was sublime ; it was tremendous ! " That's a 
 right-down good speech," said my fair companion; " hut my ! 
 how the General gave it to him ! didn't he, Mr. Squihoh ? " 
 " He did so," said I. The candidates were all Democrats, I 
 believe, and all but one entertained the same political senti- 
 ments. This gentleman (a candidate for the Senate), how- 
 ever, in the elucidation of his political principles, declared 
 that he " went in altogether for John C. Calhoun, and 
 nothing shorter." Now I'm no politician, and have no wish 
 to engage in a controversy on the subject ; but, God forgive 
 me if I am in error, I thought Calhoun had been dead for 
 some months. Well, I suppose some one is elected by this 
 time, and the waves of political excitement have become 
 calm, but Benicia was a stormy place during the election, I 
 assure you. I succeeded in borrowing one dollar at ten per 
 cent, a month (with security on a corner lot in Kearney 
 street, San Francisco), purchased a ticket, and went to see 
 Herr Eossiter. Gracious ! how he balanced tobacco pipes, 
 and tossed knives in the air, and jumped on a wire, and sat 
 down on it, and rolled over it, and made it swing to and fro 
 while he threw little brass balls from one hand to the other 
 
88 SQUIBOB IN SONOMA. 
 
 The applause was tremendous, and wlien, after a solo by the 
 orchestra (which consisted of one seedy violin, played by an 
 individual in such a state of hopeless inebriation that his 
 very fiddle seemed to hiccough), he threw a b^^ck-handed sum- 
 merset, and falling in a graceful attitude, informed the audi- 
 ence that " he should appear again to-morrow evening with a 
 change of performance." We enthusiastically cheered, and 
 my friend, the man in the red vest, who had sat during the 
 whole evening in a state of rapt admiration, observed with a 
 profound ejaculation, '' that it went ahead of any thing ho 
 had ever seen in his life, except the Falls of Niagara ! " I 
 made many friends in Benicia. I don't like the place much, 
 but I do like the people ; and among my acquaintances, from 
 Dr. Simple to my fi-iend Mr. Sawyer, which two gentlemen 
 may be termed the long and short of the place ; — I have 
 never met with more kindness, more genuine hospitality than 
 from the gentlemen of Benicia. The ladies are pretty, too ; 
 but, to use an entirely original metaphor, which, I presume, 
 none of your readers ever heard before or will hear again : 
 they arc " like angels' visits, few and far between." There 
 isn't a more moral place on the face of the earth than 
 Benicia. Ephesus, where the stupid people, a few years 
 since, used to worship Diana, wasn't a circumstance to it. 
 
 Sonoma is twelve miles from Napa, and is — but I shall 
 defer my description until next week, for I have scarcely 
 made up my mind with regard to it, and my waning paper 
 VYarns me I have said enough at present. Yours for ever. 
 
SQUIBOB m SAN FKANCISCO. 
 
 October 15tb, 1S50. 
 
 Tbie ! At tlie word Squibob comes clieerfully up to tlie 
 scratch, and gracefully smiling upon his friends and sup< 
 porters, lets fiy his one, two, as follows ; — 
 
 Sonoma is a nice place. As my Sabbath school in- 
 structor (peace to his memory) used to add, by way of a 
 clincher to his dictum — Piety is the foundation of all Re- 
 li.o-ion — "thar can't be no doubt on't." Situated in the 
 
 o 
 
 midst of the delightful and fertile valley which bears its name, 
 within three miles of the beautiful creek upon whose " sil 
 very tide, where whilom sported the tule boats of the un 
 pleasant Indians, the magnificent (ly little) steamer Georgina 
 now puffs and wheezes tri-weekly from San Fransicso ; en- 
 joying an unvaryingly salubrious climate, neither too warm 
 nor too cold. With little wind, few fleas, and a sky of that 
 peculiarly blue description, that Fremont terms the Italian, 
 it may well be called, as by the sentimentally struck travel- 
 ling snob it frequently is, the Garden of California. I re- 
 
90 SQUIBOB IN SAN Fr.ANCISCO. 
 
 mained there ten whole days — somewhat of a marvel for sc 
 determined a gad-about as myself — and don't remember of 
 ever passing ten days more pleasantly. It is useless for me 
 to occupy time, and trespass upon your patience by a lengthy 
 description of Sonoma. If any of your readers would know 
 the exact number of houses it contains, the names cf the 
 people who dwell therein, the botanical applications of the 
 plants growing in its vicinity, or any thing else about it that 
 would be of any mortal use to any one, without being posi- 
 tively amusing, let them purchase Revere, or some other 
 equally scientific work on California, and inform themselves; 
 suffice it to say that there is delightful society, beautiful 
 women, brave men, and most luscious grapes to be found 
 there ; and the best thing one can possibly do, if a tired and 
 ennuyeed resident of San Francisco, Benicia, or any other 
 great city of all work and no play, is to take the Georgina 
 some pleasant afternoon and go up there for a change. He'll 
 find it ! General Smith and his staff reside at Sonoma, and 
 a small detachment of troops have their station and quarters 
 there. I saw a trooper in the street one day; he wore a 
 coat with a singularly brief tail, and a nose of a remarkably 
 vivid tinge of redness. I thought he might have just returned 
 from the expedition, for his limbs were evidently weakened 
 by toil and privation, and his course along the street slow in 
 movement and serpentine in direction. I would have asked 
 him to proceed to the Sink of Mary's River, and recover an 
 odd boot that I left there last fall, but he looked scarcely fit 
 to make the journey. I feared he might be Jenkins, and 
 
SQUIBOB IN SAN FRANCISCO. 91 
 
 forbore. But it's a glorious thing to reflect that we have an 
 army at our disposal in this country, and a blessed reflection, 
 that should we lose any old clothing in the wilderness, we 
 can get Mr. Crawford to get that branch of the service to 
 pick it up. 
 
 Tired at last of mcnotony, even in beautiful Sonoma, I 
 packed up my carpet bag, and taking the two-mule stage, 
 passed through pretty little " Napa " again, and found my- 
 self, one evening, once more at Eenicia. It had increased 
 somewhat since I had left it. I observed several new clothes 
 poles had been erected,' and noticed a hand cart at the corner 
 of a street, that I had never seen before. But I had little 
 time for observationj for the " New World " came puffing up 
 to the hulks as I arrived, and I hastily stepped on board. 
 Here I met my ancient crony, and distinguished friend Le 
 Baron Vieux, who was on his way from Sacramento to 
 the metropolis. The Baron is a good fellow and a funny man. 
 You have frequently laughed over his drolleries in the " True 
 Delta," and in his usually unimpeachably " good style," he 
 showed me about the boat, introduced me to the captain, 
 pointed out the " model artists " who were on board, and 
 finally capped the climax of his polite attention by requesting 
 me to take a drink. I didn't refuse, particularly — and we 
 descended to the bar. And " what," said the Baron with a 
 pleasant and hospitable smile, "what, my dear fellow, will you 
 drink?" I chose Bine and WitterSy—iha Baron himself 
 drinking Bin and Giiters. "We hob-a-nobbed, tossed off our 
 glasses, without winking, and, for an instant gazed at each 
 
92 SQUIBOB IN SAN FRANCISCO. 
 
 other in gasping, unspeakable astonishment. " Turpentine 
 and aqua fortis ! " shuddered I. " Friend ! " said the Baron, 
 in an awful voice, to the har-keeper, " that drink is fifty cents ; 
 hut I will with pleasure give you a dollar to tell us wliat it 
 was we drank." " We call it," rej)lied that imperturbable 
 man, " Sherry "Wine, but I don't know as I ever saw 
 auj one drink it before." Quoth the Baron, who by this 
 time had partially recovered his circulation and the conse- 
 tpent flow of his ideas : " I think, my friend, you'll never seo 
 it drank before or behind, hereafter." The New World ig 
 an excellent and, for California, an elegant boat. Her Cap- 
 tain (who don't know Wakeman ?) is a pleasant gentleman. 
 Her accommodations are unequalled — but, and I say this 
 expressly for the benefit of my brethren of the " Dumfudgin 
 Club," never call for " wine and bitters " at her bar. Ascend- 
 ing to the cabin on the upper deck, I had the satisfaction of a 
 formal presentation to Br. Collyet and his interesting 
 family. Sober, high-toned, moral and well-conducted citi- 
 zens may sneer if they please ; rowdies may visit, and with 
 no other than the prurient ideas arising from their own ob- 
 scene imaginations, may indorse the same opinions moro 
 forcibly by loud ejaculations and vulgar remarks; but I 
 pretend to say that no right-minded man, with any thing like 
 the commencement of a taste for the beautiful and artistic, 
 can attend one of these " Model Artist " exhibitions without 
 feeling astonished, gratified, and, if an enthusiast, delighted. 
 As our gallant boat, dashing the spray from her bow, bore 
 US safely and rapidly onward through the lovely bay of San 
 
SQUIBOB IN SAN FRANCISCO. 93 
 
 Pablo, the moon tipping with its silvery rays each curling 
 wave around us, and shedding a flood of yellow light upon 
 our upper deck, "I walked with Sappho." And "oh, 
 beautiful being," said I, somewhat excited by the inspiring 
 nature of the scene, and possibly, the least thought, by the tur- 
 pentine 1 had imbibed, " do you never feel, when in the pride 
 of your matchless charms you stand before us, the living, 
 breathing i:epresentation of the lovely, poetic, and ill-fated 
 Sappho ; do you never feel an inspiration of the moment, and, 
 entering' into the character, imagine yourself in mind, as in 
 form, her beauteous illustration?" " Well — yes," said she, 
 with the slightest possible indication of a yawn, " I don't 
 know but I do, but it's dreadful tearing on the legs ! " 
 
 Hem! a steamer's motion always made me feel un- 
 pleasantly, and the waves of San Pablo Bay ran high that 
 evening. The Baron and I took more turpentine immediately. 
 We landed in your metropolis shortly after, and succeeding 
 in obtaining a man to carry my valise a couple of squares, 
 for which service, being late, he charged me but thirty- 
 two dollars, I repaired to, and registered my name at, the St. 
 Francis Hotel, which being deciphered with an almost im- 
 perceptible grin by my own and every other traveller's agree- 
 able and gentlemanly friend, Campbell, I received the key of 
 No. 12, and incontinently retired to rest. What I have seen 
 in San Francisco I reserve for another occasion. I leave for 
 San Diego this evening, from which place, I will take an 
 early opportunity of addressing you. I regret that I cannot 
 remain to be a participant in the coining celebration, but my 
 
94 SQUIBOB IN SAN FRANCISCO. 
 
 cousin Skewball, a resident of tlie city, who writes Tvitli a 
 keen if not a " caustic pen," has promised to furnish you an 
 elaborate account of the affair, which, if you print, I trust you 
 will send me. Write me by the post orifice. Au reservoir. 
 
PHOENIX INSTALLED EDITOE OF THE SAN 
 DIEGO HEEALD.* 
 
 " Facilis decensics Averni^^'' which may be liberally^ not liter- 
 ally translated, it is easy to go to San Francisco. Ames has 
 gone; departed in tlie " Goliah." During his absence, which 
 I trust will not exceed two weeks, I am to remain in charge 
 of the ' Herald,' the literary part thereof — I would beg to be 
 understood — the responsible portion of the editoral duties 
 falling upon my friend Johnny, who has, in the kindest man- 
 ner, undertaken " the fighting department," and to whom I 
 hereby refer any pugnacious or bellicose individual who may 
 take offence at the tone of any of my leaders. The public at 
 large, therefore, will understand that I stand upon " Josh 
 
 ■'• [On the of S3, the Editor of the San Diego Herald, a democratic organ, 
 
 coDiniitted his paper to the hands of the -n-riter of these Sketches to be published as 
 usual, weekly, during the Editor's temporary absence in San Francisco. On his re- 
 turn, shortly after the fall election, he found the Herald still in regular order of pub- 
 lication, but owing to his having neglected to charge his proxy with the particular 
 keeping of his political principles, or some other cause, the Ilerald, which had been 
 nn uncompromising ally of the Democracy was now no less vehement and active on 
 the other side. 
 
93 PHCENIX AS EDITOH. 
 
 Haven's platform," wliicli tliat gentleman defined some years 
 since to be tlie liberty of saying any thing lie pleased about 
 any body, without considering himself at all responsible. It 
 is an exceedingly free and independent position, and rather 
 agreeable than otherwise ; but I have no disposition whatever 
 to abuse it. 
 
 It will be perceived that I have not availed myself of the 
 editorial privilege of using the plural pronoun in referring to 
 myself. This is simply because I consider it a ridiculous af- 
 fectation. I am a " lone, lorn man," unmarried (the Lord be 
 praised for his infinite mercy), and though blessed with a con. 
 suming appetite " which causes the keepers of the house where 
 I board to tremble," I do not think I have a tape worm, there- 
 fore I have no claim whatever to call myself " wo," and I 
 shall by no means fall into that editorial absurdity. 
 
 San Diego has been usually dull during the past week, 
 and a summary of the news may be summarily disposed of. 
 There have been no births, no marriages, no arrivals, no de- 
 partures, no earthquakes, nothing but the usual number of 
 drinks taken, and an occasional " small chunk of a fight " (in 
 which no lives have been lost), to vary the monotoay of our ex- 
 istence. Placidly sat our village worthies in the arm-chairs in 
 front of the " Exchange," pufiing 'their short clay pipes, and 
 enjoying their " otium cum dignitaiej'' a week ago, and pla- 
 cidly they sit there still. 
 
 The only topic of interest now discussed among us is the 
 
PHCENIX AS EDITOR. 97 
 
 approaching election, and on this subject I desire to say a 
 few words : 
 
 To those old soldiers who were with us before the 
 adoption of the Constitution, an-d, in consequence, are enti- 
 tled to vote, I would say : remember, my lads, that the duty 
 of a good soldier in time of peace is to be an estimable citizen, 
 and, as such, to assist in the election of good men to office. 
 The man who seeks your vote for any office by furnishing you 
 with whiskey, gratis, and credit at his little shop (if he hap- 
 pens to keep one), is by no means calculated to be either a 
 good maker or dispenser of the laws. Drink his whiskey, by 
 ail means, if you like it, and he invites you, but make him no 
 pledges, and on the day of election vote any other ticket than 
 that he gives you. You know well enough, oh ! my soldiers, 
 how much he cares for you, and can appreciate his profes- 
 sions of attachment. They amount to precisely the same as 
 those of Jacob, who bought the birthright of Esau for a mess of 
 pottage. Don't barter yours for a little whiskey, and make for 
 the county a worse mess than Esau could ever have concocted. 
 
 Should any gentleman, differing with me in opinion, feel 
 anxious " to give utterance to the thought," I can only say, 
 my dear sir, the ^^ Herald ^^ is an Independent paper, and 
 while I have charge of it, its light shall shine for all ; express 
 yourself, therefore, fully, but concisely, ia an ably written 
 article ; hand it to me, and I will, with pleasure, present it to 
 the world, through the columns of this wide-spread journal, 
 merely reserving for myself the privilege of using you up, as 
 5 
 
98 
 
 PHCENIX AS EDITOR. 
 
 I shall infallibly do, and to a fearful extent, if facts are facts, 
 reason is reasonalble, and " I know myself intimately," of 
 whicli, at present, I have no manner of doubt. 
 
 And thus having said my say, in a plain, straightforward 
 manner, I shall close, for the present, with the assurance to 
 the public, that I remain their very obedient^ and particularly 
 humble servant. 
 
 Mr. Kerren drove the Chaplain to the Mission from Old 
 Town last Sunday, after the performance of the afternoon 
 service — 
 
 " "With four gray horses, and two on the lead, 
 They made tracts for the other side of Jordan." 
 
 The rattling 2.40 pace at which they tore along, was rather 
 too much for the worthy preacher. 
 
 " Kerren," gasped his anxious reverence, as he held firm- 
 ly by the back seat, after a flying leap over a stone of unusu- 
 ally large dimensions, " do you know why you are like the 
 Pharisees ? " " No, sir," said Kerren, touching up his off 
 leader. " Why," rejoined the good old man, " ye appear 
 unto men too fast," 
 
 Kerren gave a deep groan, and the horses struck a reli- 
 gious walk, which they adhered to until their arrival at the 
 Mission. 
 
PHCENIX AS EDITOE. 99 
 
 "TiiE Squire's Stohy." — "Oh!" says tlie squire, "I 
 wish't I was married and well of it, I dread it ]poiverful — I'd 
 like to marry a widow — I allers liked widows since I knowcd 
 one down in Georgia tliat suited my ideas, adzactly. 
 
 " About a week after lier husband died, she started down 
 to the grave-yard whar they'd planted of him, as she said, to 
 read the prcvscription onto his monument. When she got 
 there, she stood a minute a looking at the stones which was put 
 at each end of the grave, with an epithet on 'em that the min- 
 ister had writ for her. Then she bust out, * Oh ! boo hoo,' 
 says she, ' Jones — ^he was one of the best of men ; I remem- 
 ber how the last time he come home, about a week ago, he 
 brought down from town some sugar, and a little tea, and 
 some store goods for me, and lots of little necessaries, and a 
 little painted hoss for Jeems, which that blessed child got his 
 mouth allyaller with sucking of it, and then he kissed the chil- 
 dren all round, and took down that good old fiddle of his'n 
 and played up that good old tune, 
 
 " Eake her down, Sal, oh rang dang diddle, 
 Oh rang, dang diddle dang, dang dang da." 
 
 " Here," says the Sc[uire, " she begin to dance, and I 
 just thought she was the greatest woman ever I see." 
 
 " The Squire " always gives a short laugh, after telling 
 this anecdote, and then filling and lighting his pipe, subsides 
 into an arm-chair in front of the " Exchange," and indulges 
 in calm and dreamy reflection. 
 
100 niCENIX AS EDITOR. 
 
 Wanted. — Back numbers of tlie Democratic Review 
 speeclies and writings of Jefferson, Coffroth, Calhoun, Biglcr 
 Van Buren and otliers. Copies of the San Joaquin Republican 
 (with George's daguerreotype), Files of the Times and Trans- 
 cript (a few at a time), and a diagram representing the con- 
 struction of the old United States Bank for the use of a young 
 man desirous of turning Democrat. — Apply at this office (by 
 firing a gun, or punching on the ceiling, he being deeply en- 
 gaged in study in the garret), to 
 
 J. PHCENIX. 
 
 The Comedy oe EnnorvS. — Yfe have been accused, with 
 great injustice, of a " reckless propensity to lampoon." We 
 disclaim, with indignation, any such propensity. On the con- 
 trary, such has been our anxiety to avoid personalities, or un- 
 pleasant allusions, that we have actually suppressed some of 
 the very funniest things we have ever heard — little drolleries 
 over which we have laughed, ourselves, in the sanctity of the 
 sanctum, until the " arm-chair " has cracked again, and won- 
 dering men in the billiard room below, have poked up against 
 the ceiling with their cues (that they might take their cue 
 from us), simply because the mention of some name, Jones, 
 Brown or Muggins, has rendered us unable to present them to 
 tlie public. The conductor of a public journal is responsible 
 for every thing that he presents, and he should never indulge in 
 personalities, however humorous they may appear, or however 
 much they may amuse himself, or be calculated to amuse his 
 readers. 
 
PHCENIX AS EDITOR. 101 
 
 It is for this reason tliat we forbear publishing the fol- 
 lowing capital thing, dramatized expressly for our paper, and 
 which wo are solemnly assured, occurred very nearly, if not 
 exactly, as represented. 
 
 Scene. — The intenor of the Cilij Post OJjke at San Francisco, Gov. B 
 
 dlscoveredf siziing, holding a copy of the San Francisco Herald at arms- 
 length, in a pair of tongs, and reading it with every marh of scorn and deep 
 disgust. Enter Judge A. from the South, Editor of the San Diego Herald. 
 
 Judge A. Ah ! Governor, your most obedient ; how do you 
 do, sir ? 
 
 Governor B. (Putting the Herald in a bucket of water, and 
 laying down the tongs). How do you do, A., how d'ye do ? 
 Well, how are matters going on in San Diego county ? 
 
 Judge A. Oh ! admirably; you may depend on the unani- 
 mous support of that county, sir, the Herald has an immense, 
 a commanding influence there, it will be felt, sir. I have 
 left the paper in the charge of an able literary friend there, 
 sir, Mr. Phoenix, probably you may have heard of him, a man 
 of great ability ; I expect an admirable paper from him this 
 week, sir. 
 
 Governor B. (With a bland smile). — Ah ! thorough Demo^ 
 crat, eh? 
 
 Judge A. Oh! certainly; I never thought to ask him, 
 but — oh, of course, certainly he is a Democrat. 
 
 Governor B. Oh ! certainly ; I shall be glad to see his 
 paper, Mr. A., ah ! very glad, sir. 
 
 Here the mail is opened, the Judge eagerly receives a bun- 
 
102 PHCENIX AS EDITOR. 
 
 die of the first Phoenix Herald, hastily tears off the envelop, 
 hands one copy to the Governor, and takes another himself. 
 Each put on spectacles and glance at the first column, where 
 appears in fatal capitals the respectable name of William 
 "VValdo. Grand Tableau 1 1 J The Governor and the Judge 
 gaze at each other over the tops of their respective papers, 
 the one, with wrathful and indignant glance, the other, with 
 the most concentrated expression of horror and misery of 
 which the human countenance is capable. 
 \llere the Ghost of old Squiboh himself {ought to have been) 
 seen rising, and hovering for an instant over the pair in 
 an attitude of benediction, murmuring, " Bless ye, my 
 children^'' larfs and disappears in a ^^ sweet scented^^ 
 cloud.'] 
 We forbear to give the conversation that ensued — this is 
 a Christian community in which we live, and the introduc- 
 tion of excessive profanity in the columns of a public journal 
 even as a quotation, would not and ought not to be tolerated. 
 We have received by the Goliah, an affecting letter from 
 Judge Ames, beseeching us to return to the fold of Pemoc- 
 racy from which he is inclined to intimate we have been 
 straying. Is it possible that we have been laboring under 
 a delusion — and that Waldo is a Whig ! Why ! lor ! How 
 singular ! But anxious to atone for our past errors, willing 
 to please the taste of the Editor, and above all, ever soli- 
 citous to be on the strong side, we gladly abjure our former 
 opinions, embrace Democracy with ardor, slap her on the 
 back, declare ourselves in favor of erecting a statue of An- 
 
PIKENIX AS EDITOR. 103 
 
 drew Jackson in the Plaza, and to prove our sincerity, run 
 up to-day at the head of our columns, a Democratic ticket for 
 1855, which we hope will please the most fastidious. Being 
 rather hard up for principles for our political faith, we have 
 commenced the study of the back numbers of the Democratic 
 Review, and finding therein that " Democracy is the surRE- 
 MACY OP MAN OVER HIS ACCIDENTS," WO hereby express our 
 contempt for a man with a sprained ankle, and unmitigated 
 scorn for any body who may be kicked by a mule or a 
 woman. That's Democratic, ain't it ? Oh, we understand 
 these things. — Bless your soul. Judge, we're a Democrat. 
 
 Late — Passing by one of our doggeries about 3 A. M., 
 the other morning, from which proceeded " a sound of revelry 
 by night," a hapless stranger on his homeward way paused to 
 obtain a slight refreshment, and to the host he said, " It ap- 
 pears to me your visitors are rather late to-night." " Oh 
 no," replied the worthy landlord, " the boys of San Diego 
 generally run for forty-eight hours, stranger; ifs a Utile late 
 for night before last, but for to-night ! why, it's just in 
 the shank of the evening." Volumes could not have said 
 more. 
 
 Wanted — By the subscriber, a serious young man, with 
 fixed principles of integrity and sobriety, to make beds, 
 sweep a room, black boots and bring water. For a youth of 
 
104 PH(ENIX AS EDITOR. 
 
 religions principles, to whom a large salary is not of so much 
 object as a knowledge of the business, an eligible situation is 
 here offered. 
 
 The best of references given and re(][uired. 
 
 J. PHCENIX. 
 
 N. B. No female in disguise need apply. 
 
 An Apt Quotation. — His Reverence coming into the 
 Colorado House last Sunday afternoon, was invited by the 
 urbane proprietor to irrigate. Being in an arid state, he 
 consented to take a glass of lemonade, but accidentally took 
 a brandy cocktail which had been mixed for Mr. Mariatowskie, 
 and drank it off without noticing his mistake. " Why, Doc- 
 tor," said Frank, when he observed the disappearance of his 
 sustenance, " that was my horn you drank." Ah, my young 
 friend, quoth the good old man, with a benevolent smile and 
 a smack of his lips, while the moisture stood on the inside of 
 his venerable spectacles — " Ah, my young friend, ilie liorn 
 of the ungodly shall he put doivny Psalms 75 : 10. 
 
 For Sale. — A valuable Law Library, lately the jDroperty 
 of a distinguished legal gentleman of San Francisco, who has 
 given up practice and removed to the Farralone Islands. It 
 consists of one volume of '' Hoyle's Games," complete, and 
 may be seen at this office. 
 
PHCENIX AS EDITOR. lOf 
 
 Our friend Charley Poole was complaining bitterly tlie 
 other morning of the muddy quality of the water brought him 
 for his daily ablutions, when he was consoled by a remark of 
 " Phoenix," that he was probably a descendant of old Pool 
 of Bethesda, mentioned in the Scriptures, and that, the angel 
 that used to " come down and trouble " his ancestor's water, 
 still continued his attentions to the family. 
 
 " There's many a slip 'tweejt the cup and the up." 
 Proverbs 53: 14. — It was my intention to -have devoted 
 about two columns of this journal, this week, to an exposition 
 of the nefarious scheme of the " Yf ater Front Extension," at 
 San Francisco, and the abuse of the gubernatorial power that 
 has been exercised in the matter of the " State Printing," 
 during the past year. 
 
 But I have been deterred from doing all this by two 
 good and sufficient reasons. In the first place, I can find 
 but one man in the county who ever intended to vote for 
 Bigler, and I have laboicd with him to prove the errors of 
 opinion into which he has fallen, to that extent, that partly 
 from the effects of the Fiesta, at San Luis Key (where, as a 
 matter of course, he became excessively inebriated), and 
 partly from agitation of mind produced by my arguments, he 
 has fallen into a violent fit of sickness, from which his phy- 
 sician thinks he cannot possibly recover before the day of 
 election. And, secondly, I have a horrible misgiving that 
 the editor de facto will return before this edition has gone to 
 
106 PHCENIX AS EDITOR. 
 
 press, in wliicli case, coining down on me from San Francisco 
 '^ like a young giant refresliecl with new wine," and finding 
 (what he would consider) such abominable heresy in his col- 
 umns, he would doubtless knock the whole matter into pi, and 
 perhaps, in the extremity of his wrath, inflict some grievous 
 bodily injury on me, all of which would be intensely dis- 
 agreeable. Moved by these considerations, therefore, I shall 
 let John Bigler entirely alone, and in ease of his re-election, 
 shall make a great merit of having done so, and apply to him 
 immediately for a commission as Notary Public. 
 
 The great event of the past week has been the Fiesta at 
 San Luis Key. — Many of our citizens attended, and a very 
 large number of native Californians and Indians collected 
 from the various' ran chos in the vicinity. High mass was 
 celebrated in the old church on Thursday morning, an Indian 
 baby was baptized, another nearly killed by being run over 
 by an excited individual on an excited horse, and that day 
 and the following, were passed in witnessing the absurd 
 eiforts of some twenty natives to annoy a number of tame 
 bulls, with the tips of their horns cut off. This great na- 
 tional amusement, ironically termed bull-fighting, consists in 
 waving a serape^ or handkerchief, in front of the bull until he 
 is sufficiently annoyed to run after his tormentor, when that 
 individual gets out of his way, with great precipitation. The 
 nights were passed in an ec[ually intellectual manner. 
 
PHCENIX AS EDITOK.. 107 
 
 Tlie " Phoenix Ticket " generally ^ appears to give general 
 Batisfaction. It was merely put forward suggestively, and not 
 being the result of a clique or convention, the public are at 
 perfect liberty to make such alterations or erasures as they 
 may think proper. I hope it may meet with a strong sup- 
 port on the day of election ; but should it meet with defeat, 
 I shall endeavor to bear the inevitable mortification that 
 must result, with my usual equanimity. 
 
 Like unto the great Napoleon after the battle of Water- 
 loo, or the magnanimous Boggs after hi-s defeat, in the gu- 
 bernatorial campaign of Missouri, I shall fold my arms 
 with tranquillity, and say either " Ceztfini^ or Oil shaw^ I 
 know'd it! " 
 
 Though this is but my second bow to a San Diego audience, 
 I presume it to be my last appearance and valedictory, for 
 the editor will doubtless arrive before another week elapses — 
 the gun will be removed from my trembling grasp, and the 
 Herald will resume its great aims, and heavy firing, and I 
 hope will discharge its debt to the public with accuracy, and 
 precision. Meanwhile " The Lord be with you." " Be 'Viu- 
 
 jj^" We have received for publication, an article signed 
 " Leonidas," from the pen of an old and esteemed friend of 
 ours, intended to counteract the effect of our leader last 
 week, which we should publish were it not for its length, 
 and the rather strong style in which it is written. Many of 
 
lOS PHCENIX AS EDITOR. 
 
 the principal points of " Leonidas' " opposition are removed 
 in this issue of the paper, and we doubt if it would serve 
 any useful purpose to publish extracts from his letter, or if 
 he would be pleased with our doing so. 
 
 He winds up by exhorting the Democrats " to keep to- 
 gether " (we hope they will, it would give us unfeigned re- 
 gret to see any man explode or fall to pieces), and by call- 
 ing us, indirectly, " a rabid Whig.'''' 
 
 In this, " Leonidas," you are mistaken. Our ideas on 
 political matters are precisely those of the lamented Joseph 
 
 Bowers, who when running for the office of in the state 
 
 of was asked by the committee, " Mr. Bowers, what 
 
 are your politics ? " To which he replied, " Gentle??ie?2, I 
 have no politics " — " What," exclaimed the committee in 
 surprise, — " no politics." " No, gentleme??-," rejoined the 
 imperturbable Joseph, " not a d— d politic." 
 
 He was elected unanimously, as many of our readers 
 
 from will doubtless remember, and we hope, should it 
 
 ever come to pass, that we are a candidate for public office, 
 we may meet with the like good fortune. 
 
 So farewell, oh Leonidas, we trust you are not yet " boil- 
 ing with indignation ; " but if unhappily that is the case, we 
 can only placidly remark — ^^ Boil on?'' 
 
 As an incident of the election we are told that late 
 in the afternoon an elderly gentleman, much overcome by 
 excitement and spirituous potations, was found like Peter 
 
PH(ENIX AS EDITOR. 109 
 
 " weeping bitterly," as lie reclined on tlie cold cold ground, 
 behind the Court House. " I'm an old man, gentle-me??," 
 sobbed he, " and a poor old man, and a d — d ugly old man, 
 and I've gone and voted for Bigler ! " " "Well, you have 
 done it," remarked one of the crowd, and with this expres- 
 sion of sympathy, the unhappy old fellow was left to the 
 stings of his conscience. A melancholy instance of mis- 
 placed attachment. 
 
 A GrAME OF Poker. — An Eastern paper mentions the case 
 of an individual in Terre Haute, Ind., who attacked his wife 
 with a poker, and was arrested by a gentleman attracted by 
 the lady's screams. Ah, the gentleman passed, the lady 
 saw him and called. 
 
 ^^" We carelessly threw a bucket of water from oui* 
 office door the other day, the most of which fell upon an 
 astonished Spaniard, sitting upon his horse, before tho Colo- 
 rado House. He made the brief remark " Garajo^^ meaning 
 that we were courageous, and on observing his stalwart form, 
 and the ferocity of his expression and moustaches, we thought 
 we were. 
 
 A Syllogism. — David was a Jew— 5lence, " the Harp of 
 David " was a Jewsharp. Question — How the deuce did 
 he sing his Psalms and play on it the same time ? 
 
no RETURN OF THE EDITOR. 
 
 We recommend tliis difficult question to " Dismal Jeema ' 
 for solution, tlie answer to be left at Barry and Patten's, 
 directed to " Phoenix." 
 
 RETURN OF THE EDITOR. 
 
 " Te Deum Laudamus?'' — Judge Ames has returned! 
 With the completion of this article my labors are ended ; 
 and wiping my pen on my coat-tail, and placing it behind 
 my sinister ear, with a graceful bow and bland smile for my 
 honored admirers, and a wink of intense meaning for my 
 enemies,! shall abdicate, with dignity, the " Arm-Chair," in 
 favor of its legitimate proprietor. 
 
 By the way, this " Arm-Chair " is but a pleasant fiction 
 of " the Judge's./' — the only seat in the Herald Oince being 
 the empty nail keg, which I have occupied while writing my 
 leaders upon the inverted sugar bos, that answers the pur- 
 pose of a table. But such is life. Divested of its poetry 
 and romance, the objects of our highest admiration become 
 mere common-places, like the Herald's chair and table. 
 Many ideas which we have learned to love and reverence, 
 from the poetry of imagination, as tables, become old sugar 
 boxes on close inspection, and more intimate acq[uaintance. 
 " Sic — ^but I forbear that sickening and hackneyed quota- 
 tion. 
 
RETURN OP THE EDITOR. Ill 
 
 During the period in wliicli I have had control over the 
 Herald. I have endeavored to the hcst of my ability to amuse 
 and interest its readers, and I cannot but hope that my good 
 humored efforts have proved successful. If I have given 
 offence to any by the tone of my remarks, I assure them that 
 it has been quite unintentional, and to prove that I bear no 
 malice, I hereby accept their apologies. Certainly no one 
 can complain of a lack of versatility in the last six numbers. 
 Commencing as an Independent Journal, I have gradually 
 passed through all the stages of incipient Whiggery, decided 
 Conservatism, dignified Recantation, budding Democracy 
 and rampant E-adicalism, and I now close the series with an 
 entirely literary number, in which, I have carefully abstained 
 from the mention of Baldo and Wigler, I mean, Wagler and 
 Bildo, no — never mind — as Toodles says, I haven't men- 
 tioned any of ''em^ but been careful to preserve a perfect 
 armed neutrality 
 
 The paper this week will be found particularly stupid. 
 This is the result of deep design on my part; had I at- 
 tempted any thing remarkably brilliant, you would all have 
 detected it, and said, probably with truth; — Ah, this is 
 Phoenix's last appearance, he has tried to be very funny, and 
 has made a miserable failure of it. Hee ! hee ! hee ! Oh ! 
 no, my Public, an ancient weasel may not be detected in 
 the act of slumber, in that manner. I was well aware of all 
 this, and have been as dull and prosy as possible to avoid it. 
 Veiy little news will be found in the Herald this week : the 
 fact is, there never is much news in it, and it is very 
 
112 INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR AND PHCENIX. 
 
 well that it is so ; tlie climate here is so delightful, thai 
 residents, in the enjoyment of their dolce far niente, care 
 very little about what is going on elsewhere, and residents 
 in other places, care very little about what is going on in 
 San Diego, so all parties are likely to be gratified with the 
 little paper, " and long may it wave." 
 
 In conclusion, I am gratified to be able to state that 
 Johnny's office (the fighting department), for the last six 
 weeks, has been a sinecure, and with the exception of the 
 atrocious conduct of one miscreant, who was detected very 
 early one morning, in the act of chalking a s s on our office 
 door, and who was dismissed with a harmless kick, and a 
 gentle admonition that he should not write hi*^ name on other 
 persons' property, our course has been peaceful, and undis- 
 turbed by any expression of an unpleasant nature. 
 
 So, farewell Public, I hope you will do well ; I do, upon 
 my soul. This leader is ended, and if there be any man 
 among you who thinks he could write a better one, let him 
 try it, and if he succeeds, I shall merely remark, that I could 
 have done it myself if I had tried. Adios ! 
 
 Respectably Yours. 
 
 INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR AND PHCENIX. 
 
 The Thomas Hunt had arrived, she lay at the wharf at 
 New Town, and a rumor had reached our ears that " tho 
 
INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR, AND rilOSx^Di. Il3 
 
 " Judge " was on "board. Public anxiety had "been excited to 
 the highest pitch to witness the result of the meeting be- 
 tween us. It had been stated publicly that " the Judge " 
 would whip us the moment he arrived ; but though we 
 thought a conflict probable, we had never been very san- 
 guine as to its terminating in this manner. Ooolly we gazed 
 from the window of the Office upon the New Town road ; we 
 descried a cloud of dust in the distance ; high above it waved 
 a whip lash, and we said, " the Judge " cometh, and " his 
 driving is like that of Jehu the son of Nimshi, for he driveth 
 furiously." 
 
 Calmly we seated ourselves in the " arm chair," and con- 
 tinued our labors upon our magnificent Pictorial. Anon, a 
 step, a heavy step, was heard upon the stairs, and " the 
 Judge " stood before us. 
 
 " In shape and gesture proudly eminent, stood like a 
 tower : but his face deep scars of thunder had in- 
 trenched, and care sat on his faded cheek ; but under brows 
 of dauntless courage and considerate pride, waiting re- 
 venge." 
 
 "We rose, and with an unfaltering voice said: "Well, 
 Judge, how do you do ? " He made no reply, but commenced 
 taking off his cOat. 
 
 "We removed ours, also our cravat. 
 
 The sixth and last round, is described by the pressman 
 and compositors, as having been fearfully scientific. "We held 
 
114 INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR. AND PIKENIX. 
 
 " the Judge " clown over tlie Press by our nose (wliicli we 
 had inserted between his teeth for that purpose), and while 
 our hair was employed in holding one of his hands, we held 
 the other in our left, and with the " sheep's foot " brandished 
 above our head, shouted to him, " say Waldo," Never ! he 
 gasped — 
 
 Oh ! my Bigler he would have muttered, 
 
 But that he ' dried up,' ere the word was uttered. 
 
 At this moment, we discovered that we had been laboring 
 under a " misunderstanding," and through the amicable in- 
 tervention of the pressman, who thrust a roller between our 
 faces (which gave the whole affair a very different com- 
 plexion), the matter was finally settled on the most friendly 
 terms — " and without prejudice to the honor of either 
 party." We write this while sitting without any clothing, 
 except our left stocking, and the rim of our hat encircling our 
 neck like a ' ruff ' of the Elizabethan era — that article of 
 dress having been knocked over our head at an early stage 
 of the proceedings, and the crown subsequently torn off, 
 while the Judge is sopping his eye with cold water, in the 
 next room, a small boy standing beside the sufferer with a 
 basin, and glancing with interest over the advertisements on 
 the second page of the San Diego Herald, a fair copy of 
 which was struck off upon the back of his shirt, at the time 
 we held him over the Press. Thus ends our description of 
 thia long anticipate! personal collision, of which the public 
 can believe nrecisely as much as thej dIcuso if they dis- 
 
INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOIl AND PIIGENIS. 115 
 
 believe the whole of it, we shall not be at all offended, but 
 can simply quote as much to the point, what might have been 
 the commencement of our epitaph, had we fallen in tho 
 conflict, 
 
 *' Here Lies PncEKix.' 
 
ILLUSTEATED NEWSPAPERS. 
 
 A YEAR or two since a weekly paper was started in London, 
 called tlie ^^Illustrated News^ It was filled with tolerably 
 executed wood cuts, representing scenes of popular interest, 
 and though perhaps better calculated for the nursery than the 
 reading room, it took very well in England, where few can 
 read, but all can understand pictures, and soon attained an 
 immense circulation. As when the inimitable London Punch 
 attained its world-wide celebrity, supported by such writers 
 as Thackeray, Jerrold and Hood, would-be funny men on this 
 side of the Atlantic — attempted absurd imitations — the " Yan- 
 kee Doodle " — the " John Ponkey," &c., which as a matter of 
 course proved miserable failures ; so did the success of this Il- 
 lustrated affair inspire our money-loving publishers with hopes 
 of dollars, and soon appeared from Boston, New York and other 
 places, Pictorial and Illustrated Newspapers, teeming with 
 execrable and silly effusions, and filled with the most fearful 
 wood engravings, " got up regardless of expense " or any thing 
 
ILLUSTRATED NEWSrAPEE,S. Il7 
 
 ciso ; the contemplation of wliich was enougli to make an 
 artist tear his hair and rend his garments. A Yankee named 
 Gleason, of Boston, published the first, we believe, calling it 
 " Gleason's Pictorial (it should have been Gleason's Pick- 
 pocket) and Drawing Eoom Companion." In this he pre- 
 sented to his unhajDpy subscribers, views of his house in the 
 country, and his garden, and for anght we know, of " his ox 
 and his ass, and the stranger within his gates." A detesta- 
 ble invention for transferring Daguerreotypes to plates for en- 
 graving, having come into notice about this time, was eager- 
 ly seized upon by Gleason, for farther embellishing his catch- 
 penny publication, duplicates and uncalled for pictures were 
 easily obtained, and many a man has gazed in horror-stricken 
 astonishment on the likeness of a respected friend, as a " Por- 
 trait of Monroe Edwards," or that of his deceased grand- 
 mother, in the character of " One of the Signers of the Decla- 
 ration of Independence." They love pictures in Yankeedom ; 
 every tin peddler has one on his wagon, and an itinerant lec- 
 turer can always obtain an audience by sticking up a like- 
 ness of some unhappy female, with her ribs laid open in an 
 impossible manner, for public inspection, or a hairless gentle- 
 man, with the surface of his head laid out in eligible lots, 
 duly marked and numbered. The factory girls of Lowell, the 
 Professors of Harvard all bought the new Pictorial. (Profes- 
 sor "Webster was reading one, when Dr. Parkman called on 
 him on the morning of the murder.) Gleason's speculation 
 was crowned with success, and he bought himself a new 
 cooking stove and erected an out-building on his estate, with 
 
118 
 
 ILLUSTRATED NEWSPAPERS. 
 
 botli of wliich lie favored tlie public in a new wood cut im- 
 mediately. 
 
 Inspired by liis success, old Feejee-Mermaid-Tom-TImmb- 
 Woolly-horsG- Joyce-Heth-Barnum, forthwith, got out another 
 Illustrated "Weekly, with pictures far more extensive, letter- 
 press still sillier, and engravings more miserable, if possible, 
 than Yankee Gleason's. And then we were bored and buf- 
 feted by having incredible likenesses of Santa Anna, Queen 
 Victoria and poor old Webster, thrust beneath our nose, to 
 that degree that we wished the respected originals had never 
 existed, or that the art of wood engraving had perished with 
 that of painting on glass. 
 
 It was, therefore, with the most intense delight that we 
 saw a notice the other day of the failure and stoppage of 
 Barnum's Illustrated News; we rejoiced thereat, greatly, and 
 we hope that it will never be revived, and that Grleason will 
 also fail as soon as he conveniently can, and that his trashy 
 Pictorial will perish with it. 
 
 It must not be supposed from the tenor of these remarks 
 that we are opposed to the publication of a properly conducted 
 and creditably executed Illustrated paper. " On the contra- 
 ry, quite the reverse." We are passionately fond of art our- 
 selves, and we believe that nothing can have a stronger 
 tendency to refinement in society, than presenting to the pub- 
 lic, chaste and elaborate engravings, copies of works of high 
 artistic merit, accompanied by graphic and well written 
 essays. It was for the purpose of introducing a paper con- 
 taining these features to our appreciative community, that we 
 
ILLUSTRATED NEWSPArERS. 119 
 
 have made these introductory remarks, and for tlie purpose 
 of challenging comparison, and defying competition, that we 
 haye criticised so severely the imbecile and ephemeral pro- 
 ductions mentioned above. At a vast expenditure of money, 
 time and labor, and after the most incredible and unheard of 
 exertion, on our part, individually, we are at length able to 
 present to the public an Illustrated publication of unprece- 
 dented merit, containing engravings of exceeding costliness 
 and rare beauty of design, got up on an expensive scale, which 
 never has been attempted before, in this or any other country. 
 We furnish our readers this week with the first number, 
 merely premising that the immense expense attending its 
 issue, will require a corresponding liberality of patronage on 
 the part of the Public, to cause it to be continued. 
 
 laiii'^ PiiieiiiL 
 
 And Second Story Front Soom Companion, 
 
 Vol. I.] Sau Dieso, October 1, 1853. [lo. I. 
 
 Portrait of His Eoyal Highness Prince Albert. — Prince 
 Albert, the son of a gentleman named Coburg, is the husband 
 
120 . ILLUSTRATED NEWSPAPERS. 
 
 of Queen Yictoria of England, and tlie father of many of Iier 
 cMldren. He is the inventor of the celebrated "Albert 
 hat," which has been lately introduced with great effect in 
 the U. S. Army. The Prince is of German extraction, his 
 father beino* a Dutchman and his mother a Duchess. 
 
 Mansion of John Phoenix, Esq., San Diego, California. 
 
 House in which Shakespeare was born, in Stratford-on- 
 Avon. 
 
 Abbotsford. the residence of Sir Walter Scott, author jf 
 Byron's Pilgrim's Progress, &c. 
 
 JS^, 
 
 The Capitol at Washington. 
 
ILLUSTRATED NEWSPAPERS. 
 
 121 
 
 Jill 
 
 Residence of G-overnor Bigler, at Benicia, California. 
 
 ^ 
 
 M. : 
 
 ^4 
 
 M. 
 
 £m ^k 
 
 Battle of Lake Erie, (see remarTcs, p. 9G.) 
 [Page 96.] 
 
 The Battle of Lake Erie, of whicli our Artist presents a 
 spirited engraving, copied from the original painting, by 
 Hannibal Carracci, in the possession of J. P. Haven, Esq., 
 was fought in 1836, on Chesapeake Bay, between the U. S- 
 Frigates Constitution and Guerriere and the British Troops 
 tmder General Putnam. Our glorious fiag, there as every- 
 where was victorious, and " Loag may it wave, o'er the land 
 of the free, and the home of iliG slave."' 
 
 Fearful accident on the Camden & Amboy Railroad ! ! 
 
 Terrible loss of life ! ! ! 
 6 
 
122 ILLUSTRATED NEWSPArERS. 
 
 View of the City of San Diego, by Sir Benjamin West. 
 
 Interview between Mrs. Harriet Beeclier Stowe and tbe 
 Ducliess of Sutherland, from a group of Statuary, by Clarke 
 Mills- 
 
 Bank Account of J. Phoenix, Esq., at Adams & Co. 
 Bankers, San Francisco, California 
 
 
 Gas Works, San Diego Herald OiSce. 
 
 'I 
 
ILLUSTRATED NEWSPAPERS. 123 
 
 Steamer Goliali. 
 
 View of a California Raneli. — Landseer. 
 
 Shell of an Oyster once eaten loj General Wasliington ; 
 sliowicg the General's manner of opening Oysters. 
 
 There ! — this is but a specimen of what we can do if lib- 
 erally sustained. "We wait with anxiety to hear the verdict 
 of the Public, before proceeding to any farther and greater 
 outlays. 
 
 Subscription, $5 per annum, payable invariably in ad- 
 vance. 
 
 INDUCEMENTS FOR CLUBBING. 
 
 Twenty Copies furnished for one year, for fifty cents. 
 A^ddress John Phoenix, Office of the San Diego Herald. 
 
124 ILLUSTFcATED NEWSPAPERS. 
 
 SANDYAGO— A SOLIQUY. 
 
 Oh my what a trying thing it is for a feller 
 
 To git kooped up in this ere little plais 
 
 Where the males dont run reglar no how 
 
 N'or the females nuther, cos there aint none. 
 
 But by the mails I mean the post orifices 
 
 By which vre git our letters and sufForth 
 
 From the Atlantic States and the British Provinces* 
 
 But here there aint no hind of a chance 
 
 Except by the Sutherner or the leky Fremont 
 
 Which runs very seldom, and onst in the latter 
 
 I come to this plais, and wisht I was furder. 
 
 The natives is all sorts complected 
 
 Some white, some black, & some kinder speckled, 
 
 And about fourteen rowdy vagabonds 
 
 That gits drunk and goes round lickin every body. 
 
 And four stores to «very white human 
 
 Which are kept by the children of Zion 
 
 Where they sell their goods bort at auction 
 
 At seven times more than they costed, 
 
 With a grand jury thats sittin forever 
 
 But dont never seem to indite nothin. 
 
 And if they do what comes on it 
 
 The petty ones finds em not guilty 
 
 And then they go off much in licker 
 
 And hit the fust feller they come to. 
 
 All night long in this sweet little village 
 
 You hear the soft note of the pistol 
 
 With the pleasant screak of the victim 
 
ILLUSTRATED NEWSPAPERS. 125 
 
 Whose been shot prebaps in his gizzard. 
 And all day hosses is running 
 "With drunken greasers astraddle 
 A hollerin and hoopin like demons 
 And playin at billiards and monte 
 Till they've nary red cent to ante 
 Having busted up all the money 
 Which they borryed at awful percentage 
 On ranches which they haint no title 
 To, and the U. S. board of commission 
 Will be derned if they ever approve it. 
 While the squire he goes round a walkin 
 And sasses all respectable persons 
 With his talk of pills he's invented 
 To give a spirit of resentment. 
 And persons fite duels on paper. 
 Oh its awful this here little plais is 
 And quick as my business is finished 
 I shall leave here you may depend on it 
 By the very first leky steambote, 
 Or if they are all of em busted 
 I'll hire a mule from some feller 
 And just put out to Santy Clara. 
 
 " The Judge " looks melancholy ! — He knows that this is 
 Phoenix's Last, and that's exactly " where the shoe pinches." 
 This squib is adapted to the compreliension of the meanest 
 shoemaker. 
 
FOUETH OF JULY CELEBRATION IN SAN- 
 DIEGO. 
 
 {Reported expressli/ for the San Diego Uerald.) 
 
 Tuesday last, tlie 4tli of July, being the anniversary of tlie 
 discovery of San Diego by the Hon. J. J. Warner, in 1846 
 as well as that of our National Independence (" long may it 
 wave," &c.), was celebrated in this city with all that spirit 
 and patriotism for which it has ever been distinguished. 
 
 Every citizen, with the exception of those who had retired 
 in a state of intoxication, was aroused at 2 a. m. by the soul- 
 stirring and tremendous report of the Plaza Artillery, which 
 had been carefully loaded the previous evening with two 
 pounds of powder, and half a bushel of public documents 
 franked to this place by our late honorable representatives. 
 Each citizen on being awakened in this manner (if he imi- 
 tated the example of your respected reporter), reflected a 
 moment with admiration on our glorious institutions ; with 
 pride on our great and increasing country, and with gratitude 
 
FOURTH OF JULY CELEBRATION IN SAN DIEGO. 127 
 
 on the efforts of those patriotic spirits who had thus aroused 
 him, and after murmuring some aspiration for their future 
 happiness, was about to sink again to sleep, when— Bang ! 
 No. 2, more powder, more public documents, effectually 
 aroused him again, to go through the same train of thought, 
 murmur the same aspirations, a little warmer, perhaps, this 
 time, and again become sleepy in time for Bang ! No. 8. In 
 this agreeable manner the attention was occupied, and the 
 mind filled with patriotic ideas until just before daylight, 
 when the powder unfortunately gave out, though four bushels 
 of public documents still remained (but they wouldn't go off), 
 and the firing ceased. At sunrise the National Banner would 
 have unfolded its "broad stripes and bright stars" to the 
 breeze, but for the unlucky circumstance of there being no 
 halliards to our flag-staff. We are gratified to learn that a 
 new set will probably be furnished by the Board of Trustees 
 before the nest anniversary. 
 
 At S A. M. a procession was formed, and moved to the 
 sound of an excellent military band, consisting of a gong and 
 a hand-bell, across the Plaza, where it separated into two 
 divisions, one proceeding to the Union House, the other to 
 the Colorado Hotel. At each of these excellent establish- 
 ments an elegant dejeuner was served up, of the sumptuous- 
 ness of which the following bill of fare will give some faint 
 idea : — 
 
 BREAKFAST BILL OF FARE. 
 Coffee. Cafe, con sucre. 
 
 Bread. Pan. 
 
 E utter. Mantequilla. 
 
 Fried beefsteaks. Carne. 
 
 II«sh. No se. 
 
123 FOURTH OP JULY CELEBRATION IN SAN DIEGO. 
 
 At 9 A. H. precisely, tlie San Diego Light Infantry in full 
 uniformj consisting of Brown's little hoj in his shirt-tail, 
 fired a National salute with a large bunch of fire crackers. 
 This part of the celebration went off admirably ; with the ex- 
 ception of the young gentleman having set fire to his shirt- 
 tail, which was fortunately extinguished immediately, without 
 accident. 
 
 At 12 M. an oration was delivered by a gentleman, in the 
 Spanish language, in front of the Exchange, of which your 
 reporter regrets to say he has been unable to remember but 
 the concluding sentence, which, however, he is informed con- 
 tains many fine ideas. It was nearly as follows : 
 
 " Soy es el dia de Santa Befugia ! Hic^ Los America- 
 nos son ahajos, no vale nada ! (Sic,) nada, nada, nada, (hic- 
 cup.) llira ! Jiomhre^ dar me poco de aguadiente Caramha?'' 
 
 This oration was remarkably well received, and shortly 
 after, the band commencing its performance, the procession 
 was again formed, and dividing as before, moved off to dinner. 
 
 The afternoon passed pleasantly away, in witnessing the 
 performances of a gentleman who had been instituting a series 
 of experiments to test the relative strength of various descrip- 
 tions of spirituous liquor, and who becoming excited and en- 
 thusiastic thereby, walked round the Plaza and howled dis- 
 mally. 
 
 Upon the whole, every thing passed off in the most credi- 
 table manner, and we can safely say that never in our recol- 
 lection have we witnessed such a celebration of the glorious 
 anniversary of our Nation's Independence. 
 
MELANCHOLY ACCIDENT.— DEATH OF A 
 YOUNG MAN. 
 
 Mr. Mudge has just arrived in San Diego from Arkansas ; 
 he brings with him four yoke of oxen, seventeen American 
 cows, nine American children, and Mrs. Mudge. They have 
 encamped in the rear of our office, pending the arrival of the 
 next coasting steamer. 
 
 Mr. Mudge is about thirty-seven years of age, his hair is 
 light, not a " sable silvered," but a yaller, gilded ; you can 
 see some of it sticking out of the top of his hat ; his costume 
 is the national costume of Arkansas, coat, waistcoat, and pan- 
 taloons of homespun cloth, dyed a brownish yellow, with a 
 decoction of the bitter barked butternut — a pleasing allitera- 
 tion ; his countenance presents a determined, combined with 
 a sanctimonious expression, and in his brightly gleaming eye 
 — a red eye we think it is — ^we fancy a spark of poetic fervor 
 may be distinguished. 
 
 Mr. Mudge called on us yesterday. We were eating 
 
130 MELANCHOLY ACCIDENT. DEATH OP A YOUNG MAN. 
 
 watermelon. Perhaps tlie reader may have eaten watermelon, 
 if so, he knows how difficult a thing it is to speak, when the 
 mouth is filled with the luscious fruit, and the slippery seed 
 and sweet though embarrassing juice is squizzling out all 
 over the chin, and shirt-bosom. So at first we said nothing, 
 bat waved with our case knife toward an unoccupied box, as 
 who should say sit down. Mr. Mudge accordingly seated 
 himself, and removing his hat (whereat all his hair sprang 
 up straight like a Jack in the bos), turned that article of 
 dress over and over in his hands, and contemplated its condi- 
 tion with alarming seriousness. 
 
 Take some melon, Mr. Mudge ? said we, as with a sud- 
 den bolt we recovered our speech and took another slice our- 
 self. " No, I thank you," replied Mr. Mudge, " I wouldn't 
 choose any, now." 
 
 There was a solemnity in Mr. Mudge's manner that 
 arrested our attention ; we paused, and holding a large slice 
 of watermelon dripping in the air, listened to what he might 
 have to say. 
 
 " Thar was a very serious accident happened to us," said 
 Mr. Mudge, " as we wos crossin the plains. ' Twas on the 
 bank of the Peacus river. Thar was a young man named 
 Jeames Hambrick along, and another young feller, he got 
 to fooling with his pistil, and he shot Jeames. He was a 
 good young man and hadn't a enemy in the company ; we 
 buried him thar on the Peacus river we did, and as we went 
 off, these here lines sorter passed through my mind." So 
 saying, Mr. Mudge rose, drew from his pocket — his waistcoat 
 
MELANCHOLY ACCIDENT. DEATH OF A YOUNG MAN. 131 
 
 pocket — ^a crumpled piece of paper, and handed it over. Then 
 he drew from his coat-tail pocket a large cotton handkerchief 
 with a red ground and yellow figure, slowly unfolded it, blew 
 his nose — an awful blast it was — wiped his eyes, and disap- 
 peared. ' We publish Mr. Mudge's lines, with the remark, 
 that any one who says they have no poets or poetry in Ar- I 
 
 kansas, would doubt the existence of William Shakspeare : i 
 
 DIEGE OI!T THE DETH OF JEA^IES HAMBRICK 
 By Me. Oeion W. Mudge, Esq. 
 
 it was on June the tenth 
 our hearts were very sad 
 for it was by ah awfull accident 
 we lost a fine young lad 
 
 Jeames Hambrick was his name 
 and alas it was his lot 
 to you I tell the same 
 he was aecidently shot 
 
 on the peacus river side 
 the sun was very hot 
 and its there he feU and died 
 where he was aecidently shot 
 
 on the road his character good 
 without a stain or blot 
 and in our opinions growed 
 until he was aecidently shot 
 
132 MELANCHOLY ACCIDENT. ^DEATH OP A YOUNG ]VIAN. 
 
 a few "words only lie spoke 
 for moments he had not 
 . and only then he seemed to choke 
 I was accidently shot 
 
 we wrape d him in a blanket good 
 for coffin we had not 
 and then we buried him where he stood 
 when he was accidently shot 
 
 and as we stood around his grave 
 our tears the ground did blot 
 we prayed to god his soul to save 
 he was accidently shot 
 
 This is all, but I writ at the time a epitaff ■which I think ia 
 short and would do to go over his grave : — 
 
 EPITAFF. 
 
 here lies the body of Jeames Hambrick 
 
 who was accidently shot 
 
 on the bank of the peacus river 
 
 by a young man 
 
 he was accidently shot with one of the large size colt's revolver 
 with no stopper for the cock to rest on it was one of the old 
 fashion kind brass mounted and of such is the kingdom of heaven, 
 
 truly yonrn 
 
 Okiox "W Mudge Esq 
 
SECOND EDITION! 
 
 Such has been the demand for tlie back numbers of the | 
 
 " Phoenix " Herald, that our editions have been entirely ex- j 
 
 hausted, and we have at last concluded to have the whole of i 
 
 them stereotyped. We have now seven hundred and eighty- i 
 two Indians employed night and day in mixing adobe for the 
 type moulds, and as no suitable metal is to be found in San 
 
 Diego, to cast the stereotypes, we have engaged 324,000 ball ' 
 
 cartridges, from the Mission, for the sake of the lead. A very | 
 
 serious accident came near occurring in our office this morn- ] 
 
 ing, owing to the ignition of a cartridge, caused by friction, j 
 
 resulting from the rapid manner in which it was unrolled, but ] 
 
 fortunately we escaped, with slight loss, one of our composi- ; 
 
 tors having had his leg fractured just above the knee joint. 1 
 
 The injured member was promptly 'and neatly taken off by | 
 
 " Phoenix," with a broad-axe in 2.46, and the sufferer is now I 
 
 doing well and engaged in setting type with his teeth. Our ] 
 
134 THE PHCENIX PICTORIAL. 
 
 steam roller presses having failed to arrive (owing to tlie non- 
 arrival of the Goliah, as a matter of course), we have been 
 ohligecl to work off the Pictorial Herald on .our solitary 
 Power Press. 
 
 " The Press is a tremendous engine." We have two 
 tremendous Indians working at ours. Four men remove the 
 papers as fast as printed, and forming a line to the outer door, 
 four hoys distribute them from the gallery to the excited 
 crowd below. 
 
 Nothing is heard but the monotonous houp ! hank ! of 
 the Indians, as in a cloud of steam of their own manufacture, 
 they strike off the paper. Nothing can be seen without but 
 a shower of quarters, bits, and dimes darkening the air aa 
 they are thrown from the purchasers. Fourteen bushels and 
 three pecks of silver have been received since wc commenced 
 distribution, and the cry is still they come. 
 
THIRD EDITION!! 
 
 AND LATEST NEWSt! 
 
 Fatal Accident! 
 
 A. MELANCHOLY accident has just taken place. A fleshy 
 gentleman had received a copy of the " Pictorial," and retired 
 to the foot of the Flag-staff to peruse it. He had glanced 
 over the first column, when he was observed to grow "black in 
 the face. A bystander hastened to seize him by the collar, 
 but it was too late ! Exploding with mirth, he was scattered 
 into a thousand fragments, one of which striking him, proba- 
 bly inflicted some fatal injury, as he immediately expired, 
 having barely time to remove his hat, and say in a feeble 
 voice, " Give this to Phoenix." A large back tooth lies on 
 the table before us, driven through the side of the office with 
 fearful violence at the time of the explosion. We have 
 enclosed it to his widow with a letter of condolence. The 
 name of the unfortunate man was Muggins ! 
 
FOURTH EDITION!!! 
 
 Tiie Very Latest!!'. 
 
 Mrs. Muggins has just been picking up tlie fragments of 
 the deceased in a hand-basket. We omitted to state that the 
 tooth had been filled by Dr. R. E. Cole, Dentist, whose ad- 
 vertisement may be found in another column ! In her frantic 
 agony the bereaved widow has accused us of purloining the 
 gold. A terrible scene has ensued in our office, in conse- 
 quence — after much recrimination between us, we have been 
 atrociously " clapper-clawed " by Mrs. Muggins 1 
 
A LITTLE MORE EOR THE YERY LAST!! 
 
 After great exertion tlie fragments have been put together 
 
 by Dr. H , and the Muggins family have retired to theii 
 
 home, each bearing a copy of the " Pictorial," in triumph 
 before them. Old Muggins has presented us with the tooth, 
 and it may be seen at our office. 
 
THE 
 
 SAN FEANCISCO ANTIQUAKIAN SOCIETY, 
 
 AND 
 
 CALIFORNIA ACADEiMY OF ARTS AND SCIENCES. 
 
 Pursuant to notice, a large and respectable number of tbose 
 of our citizens interested in tlie advancement of the arts and 
 sciences in California, assembled in tlie large hall over the 
 Union Hotel, at 8 o'clock on Thursday evening, the 31st of 
 June ult. 
 
 The meeting having come to order, was organized by our 
 distinguished fellow-citizen. Dr. Keensarvey, being called to 
 the chair, and the appointment of A. Cove, Esq. as Secretary 
 
 The chairman then rose, and in that lucid style which 
 ever characterizes his public Addresses, briefly explained the 
 object of the meeting : — It had been urged, he said, and he 
 feared with too much justice, by our scientific friends in the 
 Eastern States, that the inhabitants of California, residing in a 
 sountry which opens to the Geologist, the Ethnologist, the 
 Mineralogist;, the Botanist, the Taxidermist, the Antiquarian, 
 
THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY. 139 
 
 the Historian, the Philosopher and, in short, the Savant, the 
 richest and most unexampled field on the face of the globe, 
 or elsewhere, for their labors, were entirely regardless of 
 their privileges in this respect, utterly absorbed in the pur- 
 suit of gain , and while excavating from the bowels of the 
 earth its auriferous deposits in sufficient quantity, they cared 
 not, to use a forcible illustration, the execration of a tinker, 
 for those sciences in the pursuit of which they could alone 
 find a rational manner of expending their accumulated 
 wealth. 
 
 Was it possible that this could be the case ? Had we 
 not among us men of science, of liberality, of intelligence ? 
 (Cries of " Yes, Yes ! " from the meeting, and " Si Senor " 
 from a Castilian Savant in a glazed hat and judicious state of 
 spiritual elevation.) Had we not in our midst many who, 
 having acquired a sufficiency of worldly wealth, now wished 
 to find among the treasures of science, that calm satisfaction 
 which the possession of no amount of " diner o " can possibly 
 afford ? (Tumultuous shouts of " Yes, yes ! Seguro ! Si Senor," 
 and a voice, " Whar is he ? ") — Yes, gentlemen, it was the 
 pride and pleasure of the Chairman to believe that such was 
 the case ; and it was in the hope of being able to hurl back 
 the aspersions of the Savants of the east, that this meeting 
 was called together ; it was with the hope of forming a per- 
 manent, scientific, California Association, composed of such 
 material as cannot be found elsewhere, and whose researches 
 and transactions should be read with mingled emotions of 
 astonishment, delight and envy, by every enlightened lover of 
 
140 THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY. 
 
 science, from the eastern end of tlie North Farraleone Island^ 
 proceeding easterly, to the western end of the same. (Loud 
 applause — cries of "Good! bon! hueno ! " broke from the 
 meeting, and a deep moan of acquiescence from the Castilian 
 Savant, who, with the glazed hat partially shrouding his 
 massive intellectual developments, had become slightly som- 
 nolent.) 
 
 The applause consequent upon this beautiful effort of the 
 Chairman having subsided, Mr. B. S. Bags rose toad dress the 
 Chain- 
 He had not the advantage of an early education — not 
 much, he hadn't ; but he read a good deal, and liked it ; and 
 he dare say now, that if the truth had been found out, he 
 knowed a great deal more than some of those filosifers at the 
 east. He wanted to see science go on in California. He had 
 a considerable interest in the place, and expected to spend his 
 days thar. He was now fifty-three years old ; he come out 
 here twenty-three years ago as Steward of a Whale ship, and 
 he run away and turned Doctor. (Laughter ; cries of " Hush, 
 hush ! ") But he married a Calif orny widder, with a large 
 ranch ; and he had, when the gold mines broke out, made his 
 " pile " — ^he had over three hundred thousand dollars, and he 
 didn't care who knowed it. He meant to devote the in- 
 terest of the same to learning science. (Uproarious applause 
 series of " Go it ! that's the pint ! " and " Carrambas ! ") 
 He had three daughters, and he meant each on em should be 
 a scientific man (loud applause) ; one of em wore green specs 
 Qow, (immense applause accompanied by a cry of " Hep — ah ! " 
 
TI5E SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY. 141 
 
 from a person in a white Iiat and blue blanket coat, wlio bav- 
 icg evidently mistaken bis place, was requested by the Cbair 
 to leave at once — ^but be didn't do it). Order being restored, 
 Mr. Bags went on to say, tbat be bad money enougb, and 
 bad gin up trading stock, and began to study science for it- 
 self. He bad bought a " Mabomedon," and could tell bow 
 hot it was any time; be bad examined tbe " Ab teasing'* 
 well in tbe square, and knew something about Hydrocianics 
 from a contemplation of scientific structures. By reading the 
 papers daily, particularly the " Alta California," be found all 
 sorts of new matters which be supposed give him considera- 
 ble idea of " New Mattix; " but above all, having seen in tbe 
 papers from tbe States an account of tbe " Bosilist pendulum " 
 and its application to the Bunker Hill Monument, by which 
 it showed how the earth turned round from east to west, he 
 bad ever since for three hours each day, watched the Flag- 
 staff on the Plaza, and he could assure the meeting that when 
 the flag was trailed it always flew out to the West, and when 
 it was bisted the rope always bent out to the East — ('' Hear ! 
 Hear !) — Grentlemen might say it was tbe wind that did 
 it, but v/hat made the wind ? If any gentleman here bad 
 ever rid out to the Mission on a calm day (" Hear ! " from a 
 Savant who kept a Livery Stable in Kearney Street), he must 
 have felt a breeze blowing in bis face. Well ! lie made that 
 wind, he did, agoing ! and it was the earth that made the 
 wind by turning around in just the same way. (Deep impres- 
 sion produced : low remarks, " we must examine this ! Bags is 
 a trump, &c.") 
 
142 THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARUN SOCIETY. 
 
 Mr. Bags concluded tliat lie had took up a good deal of 
 time, but he hoped that a society would be formed, and that 
 he would pay his share towards it (applause), and more too 
 (loud applause) ; he hoped he would be able to do more : — he 
 was now reading a paper in Silliman's Journal on the " Hor- 
 izontal Paralysis " with its effects on the " Cellular system," 
 and he hoped to get some ideas out of it which he would 
 adapt to California; and if he should, the society should have 
 the benefit of it. Mr. Bags here sat down amid prolonged 
 and continued cheering. 
 
 Barney Braglagan was now loudly called for, but not ap- 
 pearing, the meeting was addressed by several of our most 
 scientific citizens, the tendency of whose remarks was entire- 
 ly and unreservedly in favor of the formation of a permanent 
 society; and the meeting being wound up to the highest 
 state of scientific excitement, it was unanimously — Resolved : 
 That this meeting resolve itself into a permanent scientific 
 association, to be known as the " San Francisco Antiqua- 
 rian Society and California Academy of Arts and Sciences," 
 and immediately enter into correspondence with all learned 
 and scientific associations on the face of the earth. 
 
 Immediately after the passage of the above resolution, a 
 committee, consisting of Dr. Keensarvey, A. Cove, and James 
 Calomel, M. D., were appointed to prepare a constitution for 
 the society. Leaving the hall, they immediately repaired to 
 the saloon of the California Exchange ; when returning in 
 Beven minutes and five seconds (mean solar time), they sub- 
 mitted the following draft of a constitution, which was 
 adopted by acclamation : 
 
THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY. 143 
 
 Article I. The oiScers of this Society shall consist of a 
 President, Corresponding Secretary, Eecording Secretary, 
 Treasurer and Librarian, who shall be elected annually, by 
 ballot. 
 
 Article II. The objects of this Society shall comprise 
 inquiries into every thing in the remotest degree scientific 
 or artful. 
 
 Article III. The Society shall consist of members, 
 corresponding members and honorary members. The first to 
 be persons residing in California; the two last to include 
 both persons and residents of any other place on the face of 
 the globe, or elsewhere. 
 
 Article IV. There shall be an annual payment of one 
 hundred dollars, in City, County, or State scrip, by each 
 member residing in the City of San Franscisco, or its 
 vicinity. 
 
 The Society now proceeded to the election of officers 
 for the ensuing year, with the following result : President, 
 Dr. Keensarvey; Vice-President, M. Quelque Chose; Cor- 
 responding Secretary, Gr. Squibob ; Eecording Secretary, A. 
 Cove ; Treasurer, Buck S. Bags ; Librarian, the Consul for 
 Ireland, ex-off. 
 
 On motion, the Treasurer received permission from the 
 Society to apply to the City Council for liberty to stack the 
 Bcrip forming the funds of the association upon the Plaza 
 M'lder cover of a Tarpaulin. 
 
 On motion, committees were appointed to report at the 
 first meeting of the Society, on the following subjects 
 
144 THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY 
 
 namely: 1st. Antiquity; 2d. Gealogy; od. Toxicology; 
 4th. Ethnology ; all as applicable to California. 
 
 On motion the proceedings of this meeting, and the 
 future transactions of the Society shall be published in the 
 San Francisco Daily Alta Californian, Silliman's Journal, 
 the Boston Olive Branch, and the extra documents accom- 
 panying the President's annual message. 
 
 On motion, the Society adjourned to hold its first regular 
 meetiag on Thursday eveningj July 15, in the remains of the 
 old Adobe building anciently standing on the north-west 
 corner of the Plaza. 
 
 Immediately on adjournment the several committees 
 entered with zeal upon their various duties : 
 
 The Committee on Antiquities left at once, in the night 
 boat, for Yallejo, the residence of their Chairman, who had 
 informed them of the existence at that place of some speci- 
 mens of a substance termed " Old Monongahela " lately dis- 
 covered by a scientific gentleman residing at the Capitol ; 
 — the Committee on Geology were seen eagerly inquiring 
 for the omnibus for Yerba Buena Island ; that on Ethnology 
 appointed a sub-committee for the City of San Francisco, 
 and made arrangements for the departure of its main body 
 to the upper counties of the State, for the purpose of holding 
 interviews with the primitive inhabitants, while the Castilian 
 savant in the glazed hat, who had been appointed Chairman 
 of the Committee on Toxicology, repaired incontinently to a 
 drinking saloon, where he commenced a series of experiments 
 in hydrostatics, with the endeavor to ascertain the quantity 
 
THE SAN FRANCISCO ANTIQUARIAN SOCIETY. 145 
 
 of fluid possible to be raised from a glass in a given time, by 
 a straw applied to Lis moutb, wbicli resulted so mucli to his 
 satisfaction that he was seen to emerge therefrom at four 
 o'clock on the following morning, in a high state of pleasur- 
 able excitement, chanting huskily as he meandered down the 
 street, that highly refreshing Mexican anthem — 
 
 " Gastro viene — en poce tiempo 
 Cuidado los Americanos." 
 
 G. Squibob, 
 Cor. Sec. S. F. A. S. and G. A. A, S. 
 San Francisco July 10, 1851 
 
 7 
 
 A. CO YE, 
 Sec*y yro iem. 
 
THE LADIES RELIEF SOCIETY. 
 
 EXTRAORDINARY PROCEEDINGS !!— SCANDALOUS TREAT- 
 MENT OF "OUR REPORTER!" 
 
 Editor of the 
 
 Sak Feancisoo, July 12. 
 
 Learning tliat a moeting of the " Ladies' Helief Society " 
 was to be held this morning, at Pine Church, on Baptist 
 Street, your Reporter, actuated by a desire to discharge his 
 duty to the public by collecting valuable information, and 
 incited by a laudable curiosity to ascertain what on earth 
 the ladies desired to be relieved from (on which last point he 
 obtained the most complete satisfaction, as will appear), re- 
 paired to that sacred edifice, and ensconsing himself in a 
 pew conveniently situated, in case of a sudden retreat be- 
 coming expedient, near the door, patiently awaited the com- 
 mencement of the proceedings. 
 
 At half past nine, A. M. precisely, as I ascertained by 
 reference to the magnificent silver watch, valued at $18, 
 which I did not draw in Tobin and Duncan's errand raffle 
 
147 
 
 yesterday, but wliich, " on the contrary, quite the reverse," 
 was bestowed on me by my deceased Grandmother (excuse 
 tlie digression ; I am approaching a painful subject and like to 
 do it gradually), the ladies began to assemble in their beauty, 
 and, I regret to add, their strength. Erom the somewhat 
 inconvenient position which, from motives of delicacy and a 
 desire to avoid the appearance of intrusion, I had assumed 
 on the floor of the pew, I counted fifty-two of the " sweeten- 
 ers of our cup of human happiness," of every age, figure and 
 appearance. There was the maid of blushing sixteen, and 
 there was the widow of sixty, dressed in all imaginable styles 
 of colors — white hats, red shawls, chip bonnets, green aprons 
 and pink colored boots. 
 
 The Pine Church looked like a conservatory, and as I 
 lay perdue, like an innocent (green) snake among the flowers, 
 listening to the merry laugh and innocent playful gurglings 
 of delight that fell from their hundred and four lips." — How'd 
 do, dear ? " My ! what a love of a bonnet ! " " What did you 
 draw, Fanny ? " " Is Lizzy going to marry that fellow ? " 
 &c., I thought that " my lines were cast in very pleasant 
 places, and that I had a goodly heritage." How painfully 
 was I undeceived ; how totally was I engulfed ! (a prefer- 
 able mode of expression — that ' engulfed ' — to the common 
 but indelicate one of " sucked in)." but I will not anticipate 
 
 As the town clock struck ten, the doors were closed, and 
 a lady of mature age and benign though unyielding expres- 
 sion (I do you justice. Madam, though you havn't used mc 
 well), ascended the steps of the pulpit, and taking from the 
 
148 
 
 desk a fireman's speaking trumpet that laid thereon, she 
 smote an awfal blow upon a copy of the sacred scriptures, 
 and vociferated through the hrazen instrument, '■^ Order ! '''' 
 Conversation ceased, laughter was hushed, and with the ex- 
 ception of an irrepressible murmur and a subdued snicker 
 from your reporter, as some charming being exclaimed, sotto 
 voce, " don't pinch me," silence reigned profound. " Ladies," 
 said the President, "you are aware of the object of this meet- 
 ing. Tied down by the absurd prejudices of society ; tram- 
 melled by the shackles of custom and unworthy superstition; 
 we have found it necessary to form ourselves into a society, 
 where, free from the intrusion of execrable man; aloof from 
 his jealous scrutiny, whether as father, brother, or that still 
 more objectionable character of husband, we may throw off 
 restraint, exert our natural liberty, and seek relief from the 
 tedious and odious routine of duty imposed upon us in our 
 daily walk of life. Any motion is in order." 
 
 At this instant, while my wondering gaze was attracted by 
 an elderly female in a Tuscan bonnet and green veil, who, 
 drawing a black pint bottle from the pocket of her dress, 
 proceeded to take a " snifter " therefrom, with vast appa- 
 rent satisfaction, and then tendered it to the lady that sat next 
 (a sweet little thing in a Dunstable, with cherry-colored rib- 
 bons), a lady rose and said — " Mrs. President : I move that 
 a committee of one be appointed to send a servant to Batty 
 and Parrens, for fifty-two hrandy smashes.'''' A thrill of hor- 
 ror ran through my veins ; I rose mechanically to my feet ; 
 exclaimed " gracious goodness ! " and fell, in a fainting con- 
 
THE ladies' relief society. 149 
 
 dition, against tlie back of the pew. It was my Susan ! ! 
 You remember the instant that intervenes between the flash 
 of the lightning and the ensuing thunder clap : — for an in- 
 stant there was silence, dead silence — ^you might have heard 
 a paper of pins fall — then " at once there rose so wild a yell," 
 " a man ! a man ! " they cried, and a scene of hubbub and 
 confusion ensued that beggars description. The venerable 
 female in the Tuscan shyed the pint bottle at my head — the 
 little thing in the Dunstable gave me a back-handed wipe 
 with a parasol, and for an instant my life was in positive 
 danger from the shower of fans, hymn-books and other missiles 
 that fell around me. " Put him out, Martha," said an old 
 lady to a lovely being in a blue dress in an adjacent pew — 
 " I shan't," was the reply, " I haven't been introduced to him." 
 " Wretched creature," said the President in an awful voice, 
 " who are you ? " " Reporter for the Alta " rose to my throat, 
 but my lips refused their utterance. " What (io you want ? " 
 she continued, — " I want to go home," I feebly articulated. 
 " Put him out ! " she rejoined ; and before I could think, much 
 less expostulate, I was pounced upon by two strong-minded 
 women, and found myself walking rapidly down Baptist street, 
 with the impression of a number three gaiter boot on my cloth- 
 ing about ten inches below the two ornamental buttons upon 
 the small of my back. From this latter circumstance, I have 
 formed the impression that the little thing with the Dunsta- 
 ble and cherry-colored ribbons assisted at my elimination. 
 
 And now, Mr. Editor, what are we to think of this? 
 Does it not give rise to very serious reflections, that a society 
 
150 THE ladies' helief society. 
 
 sliould exist in our very midst of so nefarious but indig- 
 nation is useless. " I cannot do justice to tlie subject." 
 EuSed in disposition, wounded to tlie heart in the best and 
 most sacred feelings of my common nature, I can only subscribe 
 myself, Your outraged Reporter, 
 
INAUGUEATION OF THE NEW COLLEC- 
 TOK !— TKEMENDOUS EXCITEMENT. ! ! 
 
 Okiental Hotel, San Feangisco. 
 
 Passing up Montgomery street yesterday afternoon, between 
 3 and 4 o'clock, my attention was attracted by a little gentle- 
 man with a small moustache, who rushed hastily past me, and 
 turning down Commercial street sought to escape observation 
 by plunging among the crowd of drays that perpetually tan- 
 gle up Long Wharf. Though slightly lame, he had passed 
 me with a speed that may have been equalled, but for a man 
 of his size could never have been excelled ; and his look of 
 frantic terror — ^his countenance, wild, pallid with apprehen- 
 sion, as I caught for an instant his horror-stricken gaze, I 
 shall never forget. I had turned partly around to watch his 
 flight, when with a sudden shock I was borne hurriedly 
 along, and in an instant found myself struggling and plung- 
 ing in the midst of a mighty crowd who were evidently in hot 
 pursuit. There were old men young men and maidens, — at 
 
152 INAUGURATION OF THE NEV/ COLLECTOR. 
 
 least I presume they were maidens, but it was no time for 
 close scrutiny ; — there were Frenchmen, Englishmen, China- 
 men, and every other description of men ; gentlemen with 
 spectacles and gentlemen who were spectacles to behold ; men 
 with hats and men without hats ; an angry sea of moustaches, 
 coat-tails and hickory shirts, with here and there a dash of 
 foam in the way of a petticoat ; and all pouring and rushing 
 down Long Wharf with me in the midst, like a bewildered 
 gander in a mill race. 
 
 There was no shouting — a look of stern and gloomy de- 
 termination sat on the countenance of each individual ; and 
 save an occasional muttered ejaculation of " There he goes ! " 
 "I see him ! " we rushed on in horrid silence. 
 
 A sickly feeling came over me as the conviction that I 
 was in the midst of the far-famed and dreaded Vigilance 
 Committee, settled on my mind ; here was I, borne along 
 with them, an involuntary and unwilling member — I, a life 
 member of the Anti-Capital Punishment Scociety, and author 
 of the little work called " Peace, or Directions for the use of 
 the Sword as a Pruning Hook," who never killed a fly in 
 my life — ^here I was, probably about to countenance, by my 
 presence, the summary execution of the unhappy little cul- 
 prit with the small moustache, who, for aught I knew to the 
 contrary, might be as immaculate as Brigham Young him- 
 self 
 
 "What would Brother Greeley say to see me now ? But it 
 was no time for reflection. " Onward we drove in dreadful 
 race, pursuers and pursued," over boxes, bales, drays and 
 
INAUGURATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. 153 
 
 horses ; the Jews screamed and shut their doors as they saM 
 us coming; there was a shower of many-hladed knives, 
 German silver pencils, and impracticable pistols, as the show- 
 cases flew wildly in the air. It was a dreadful scene. I am 
 not a fleshy man — that is, not particularly fleshy — ^but an 
 old villain with a bald head and spectacles, punched me in 
 the abdomen ; I lost my breath, closed my eyes, and remem- 
 ber nothing further. On recovering my faculties, I found 
 myself jammed up flat against a sugar box, like a hoe cake, 
 with my head protruding over the top in the most uncomfort- 
 able manner, and apparently the weight of the whole crowd 
 (amounting by this time to some six thousand) pressed against 
 me, keeping me inextricably in my position. Here for an 
 instant I caught a glimpse of a Stockton boat just leaving the 
 wharf ; — then every thing was obscured by a sudden shower 
 of something white, and then burst from the mob a deep and 
 melancholy howl, prolonged, terrific, hideous. I wrenched 
 myself violently from the sugar box, and confronted a seedy- 
 looking individual with a battered hat ; in his hand he held a 
 crumpled paper, and on his countenance sat the gloom of des- 
 pair. " In the name of heaven," I gasped, " what is this ? " 
 " He has escaped," he replied, with a deep groan. " What 
 has he done ? " said I ; " who is the criminal ? " " Done," 
 said he of the seedy garments, turning moodily away, " noth- 
 ing — it is {he new Collector ! ! ! He's off to Stockton." The 
 crowd dispersed ; slowly and sadly they all walked off. I 
 looked over the side of the wharf. I am not given to exag- 
 geration. You will believe me when I tell you that the sea 
 
154 INAUGURATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. 
 
 was wMte witli letters that had "been thrown by that crowd 
 for miles it was white with them, and far out in the stream hei 
 wheels filled with letter paper, her shafts clogged with dissolv 
 ing wafers, lay the Stockton boat. On her upper deck, in a 
 frenzied agony, danced the Pilot, his hand grasping his shat- 
 tered jaw. An office-seeker had thrown a letter attached to 
 a stone, which had dislodged four of his front teeth ! As I 
 gazed, the steamer's wheels began to move. At her after- 
 cabin window appeared a nose above a small moustache, a 
 thumb and fingers twinkled for an instant in the sun-light, 
 and she was gone. I walked up the wharf, and gazed rue- 
 fully on my torn clothing and shattered boots, which had 
 suffered much in this struggle of democracy. " Thank God ! 
 Oh, Squibob," said I, " that you are a fool, or what amounts 
 to the same thing in these times — a Whig — and have no of- 
 fices to dispense, and none to seek for. Verily, the aphorism 
 of Scripture is erroneous : It should read. It is equally 
 cursed to give as to receive." 
 
 I repaired to my own room at the Oriental. Passing the 
 chamber of the Collector, I espied within, the chambermaid, 
 an interesting colored person named Nancy. Now I used to 
 have an unworthy prejudice against the colored race ; but 
 since reading that delightful and truthful work, " Uncle 
 Stowe's Log," my sympathies are with them, and I have 
 rather encouraged a Platonic attachment for Nancy, which 
 had been engendered between us by numerous acts of civility 
 v.n my part and amiability on hers. So I naturally stopped 
 T speak to her. She stood up to her middle in unopened 
 
INAUGUTwATION OP THE NEW COLLECTOR. 155 
 
 letters. There must hare been on the floor of that room 
 eighteen thousand unopened letters. The monthly mail 
 from the East would he nothing to it. " Mr. Squiboh," 
 said Nancy, with a sweet smile, " is you got airy shovel ? " 
 " No, Nancy," said I ; " why do you want a shovel ? " " To 
 clar out dese yere letters," said she; "de Collccker said I 
 muss frow dem all away; he don't want no such trash about 
 him." A thought struck me. I hastened to my room, 
 seized a slop-pail, returned and filled it with letters, opened 
 them, read them, and selected a few, which strike me as pe- 
 culiarly deserving. If the Collector reads the Herald — and I 
 know he " does nothing else " — these must attract his atten- 
 tion, and the object of the writers will be attained. Here 
 they are. Of course, I suppress the dates and signatures ; 
 the authors will doubtless be recognized by their peculiar 
 styles ; and the time and place at which they were written is 
 quite immaterial. 
 
 ¥0. I. 
 
 My Dear Friend : — I presume you will be perfectly 
 surrounded this morning, as usual, by a crowd of heartless 
 office-seekers ; I therefore take this method of addressing you. 
 I thank God, I want no office for myself or others. You 
 have known me for years, and have never known me to do 
 a mean or dishonorable action. I saw W up at Stock- 
 ton the other day, and he is very anxious that I should be 
 appointed Inspector of Steamboats. He said that I needed 
 it, and deserved it, and that he hoped you would give it to 
 
156 INAUGURATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. 
 
 me ; Tbiit I told him I was no office-seeker — I sliould nevei 
 asli you for any office. He said lie would write to you about 
 it. Please write to me as soon as you receive this, care of 
 Parry & Batten. 
 
 Your affectionate friend 
 
 P. S. — My friend John Smith, who you know is a true 
 Pierce & King man, is anxious to get the appointment of 
 "Weigher and Guager of Macaroni. He is an excellent fel- 
 low, and a true friend of yours. I hope, whether you can 
 spare an Inspectorship for me or not, you will give Smith a 
 chance. 
 
 NO. n. 
 
 My Dear Sir : — Allow me to congratulate you on your 
 success in obtaining your wishes. I have called twice to see 
 you, but have not been able to find you in. You were kind 
 enough to assure me, before leaving for Washington, that I 
 might depend upon your friendship. I think it very im- 
 probable that I shall be re-nominated. The water-front Ex- 
 tension project has not been received with that favor that I 
 expected, and what with Eoman and the Whigs and that 
 
 d d Herald^ I feel very doubtful. You will oblige me by 
 
 retaining in your possession, until after the Convention, the 
 office of to the Custom House. I must look about me to 
 
INAUGURATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR,. 157 
 
 command the means of subsistence. I will see you again on 
 tliis subject. 
 
 Yery truly yours, 
 
 P. S. — My young friend, Mr. John Brown, wisbes to be 
 made Inspector of Vermicelli. He is a pure Democrat 
 dyed in tbe wool, and I trust in making your appointments 
 you will not overlook bis claims. Brown tells me be con- 
 siders bimself almost a relative of yours. His aunt used to 
 go to school with your father. She frequently writes to him, 
 and always speaks of you with great esteem. 
 
 NO. III. 
 
 MoN Amie : — I ave been ver malade since that I bav ar- 
 rive, I ver muche thank you for you civilite on la vapor which 
 we come ici, juntos. The peoples here do say to me, you si 
 pued give to me the littel offices in you customs house. I 
 wish if si usted gustan you me shall make to be Inspectors 
 de cigarritos, Je Y entends muy bien. Come to me see. 
 
 Countess de 
 
 Mister Jose Jones he say wish to be entree clerky. You 
 mucho me oblige by make him do it. 
 
158 INArGURATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. 
 
 NO. IV. 
 
 The following was evidently dictated by some belligerent 
 old Democrat to an amanuensis, wbo appears not to have got 
 precisely the ideas intended : 
 
 Sm: — I have been a dimocrat of the Jackson School 
 thank God for twenty years. If you sir had been erected to 
 an orifice by the pusillanimous sufferings of the people as I 
 was oust I would have no clam but sir you are appointed by 
 Pierce for whom I voted and King who is dead as Julia's 
 sister and I expectorate the office for which my friends will 
 ask you sir I am a plane man and wont the orifice of Prover 
 and taster of Brandy and wish you write to me at the Nian- 
 tic where I sick three days and have to write by a young 
 gentleman or come to see me before eleven o'clock when I 
 generally get sick Yours 
 
 P. S. My young man mr. Peter Stokes I req[uest may be 
 made inspector of pipea, 
 
 KO. Y. 
 
 Mr. Colected H . Detor 
 
 Elizer Muggins 
 
 fore dosen peaces $12 . . 
 
 Receat pament. 
 
INAUGURATION OF TIIE NEW COLLECTOR. 159 
 
 Mister Colected Mj husban Mikel Muggins will wish 
 me write you no matur for abuv if you make him inspector 
 in yore custom hous, he always vote for Jackson and Scott 
 and all the Dimocrats and he vote for Bugler and go for ex- 
 tension the waser works which I like very much. You will 
 much oblige by call and settel this one way or other. 
 
 ELIZIR MUGGINS. 
 
 Mike wants Mr. Timothy flaherty, who was sergent in 
 Pirces regiment and held Pirces hoss when he rared and 
 throwed him to be a inspector too hes verry good man. 
 
 E. M. 
 
 E-Q. YI. 
 
 Sir : — I have held for the last four years the appointment 
 of Surveyor of Shellfish in the Custom House, and have done 
 my duty and understand it. I have been a Whig, but never 
 
 interfered in politics, and should have voted for Pierce it 
 
 was my intention — but a friend by mistake gave me a wrong 
 ballot, and I accidentally put it in, having been drinking a 
 little. Dear sir, I hope you will not dismiss me ; no man in 
 this city understands a clam as I do, and I shall be very 
 much indebted to you to keep my office for the present 
 though have much finer offers but don't wish at present to 
 accept. 
 
 Very respectfully, 
 
160 INAUGURATION OF THE NEW COLLECTOR. 
 
 P. S. — Mj friend Mr. Thomas Styles wishes to keep Ms 
 office. Dear sir, he is Inspector of Raccoon Oysters ; he is 
 an excellent gentleman, and though they call him a Whig I 
 think dear sir, there is great douht. I hope you'll keep us 
 both ; it's very hard to get good Inspectors who understand 
 shell-fish. 
 
 So much for to-day. If any gentleman incited by a laud- 
 able curiosity wishes to peruse more of these productions, let 
 him proceed to Telegraph Hill, and on the summit of the 
 tower at the extremity of the starboard yard-arm, in the dis- 
 charge of his duty will be found, always ready, attentive, 
 courteous and obliging, 
 
 SQUIBOB. 
 
SQUIBOB ABHOES STREET INTRODUC- 
 TIONS. 
 
 No matter of local interest having occurred, worthy the 
 pen of history, since the return of the " Congressional 
 Rifles " from their target excursion at San Mateo, I propose 
 to devote a few moments to the reprobation of an uncom- 
 fortable custom prevalent in this city, to an alarming extent, 
 and which if persisted in, strikes me as calculated to destroy 
 public confidence, and, to use an architectural metaphor, shake 
 the framework of society to its very piles. I allude to the 
 pernicious habit which every body seems to have adopted, of 
 making general, indiscriminate and public introductions. 
 You meet Brown on Montgomery street : " Good morning. 
 Brown ; " " How are you. Smith ? " " Let me introduce you 
 to Mr. Jones " — and you forthwith shake hands with a seedy 
 individual, who has been boring Brown for the previous hour, 
 for a small loan probably — an individual you never saw be- 
 
162 SQUIBOB ABHORS STREET INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 fore, never had tlie slightest desire to see, and never wish to 
 see again. Being naturally of an arid disposition, and per- 
 haps requiring irrigation at that particular moment, you 
 unguardedly invite Brown, and your new friend Jones of 
 course, to step over to Parry and Batten's, and imbiTbe. 
 What is the consequence ? The miscreant Jones introduces 
 you to fifteen more equally desirable acquaintances, and in 
 two minutes from the fii'st introduction there you are, with 
 seventeen newly formed friends, all of whom " take sugar in 
 their'n," at your expense. 
 
 This is invading a man's quarters with a vengeance. But 
 this is not the worst of it. Each gentleman to whom you 
 have been introduced, wherever you may meet thereafter, in 
 billiard room, tenpin alley, hot house or church, introduces 
 you to somebody else, and so the list increases in geometrical 
 progression, like the sum of money, which Colman in his 
 arithmetic informs us the gentleman paid for the horse, with 
 such a number of nails in his shoes — a story which in early 
 childhood I remember to have implicitly believed. In this 
 manner you form a crowd of acquaintances, of the majority 
 of whom you recollect neither names nor faces, but being con- 
 tinually assailed by bows and smiles on all sides, from un- 
 known gentlemen, you are forced, to avoid the appearance of 
 rudeness, to go bowing and smirking down the street, like a 
 distinguished character in a public procession, or one of those 
 graven images at Tobin & Duncan's, which are eternally 
 wagging their heads with no definite object in view. This 
 custom is peculiarly embarrassing in other respects. If you 
 
SQUIBOB ABHORS STREET INTRODUCTIONS. 163 
 
 are so unfortunate as to possess an indifferent memory for 
 names, and a decided idiosyncrasy for forgetting faces, you 
 are continually in trouble as to the amount of familiarity 
 with which to receive the salutation of some unknown indi- 
 vidual to whom you have been introduced, and who persists 
 in remembering all about you, though you have utterly for- 
 gotten him. 
 
 Only the other day, at the Oriental Hotel, I met an 
 elderly gentleman, who bowed to me in the most pleasant 
 manner as I entered the bar-room. I wasn't quite sure, but 
 I thought I had been introduced to him at Pat Hunt's ; so, 
 walking up, I seized him familiarly by one hand, and slapping 
 him on the shoulder with the other, exclaimed, " How are 
 you old cock ? " I shall not soon forget his suspicious glance, 
 as muttering, " Old Cock, sir ! " he turned indignantly away; 
 nor my confusion at learning shortly after, that I had thus 
 irreverently addressed the Rev. Aminadab Sleek, Chairman 
 of the " Society for Propagating the Heathen in California," 
 to whom I had brought a letter of introduction from Mrs. 
 Harriet Bitcher Stowe. On the same day I met and ad- 
 dressed, with a degree of distant respect almost amounting to 
 veneration, an individual whom I afterwards ascertained to 
 be the husband of my washerwoman — a discovery which I 
 did not make until I had inquired most respectfully after his 
 family, and promised to call at an early day to see them. 
 
 There are very few gentlemen in San Francisco, to whom 
 I should dislike to be introduced, but it is not to gentlemen 
 alone, unhappily, to whom this introduction mania is confined. 
 
164 SQUIBOB ABHORS STREET INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 Everybody introduces everybody else; your tailor, your 
 barber, and your slioemaker, deem it their duty to introduce 
 you to all tlieir numerous and by no means select circle of 
 acquaintance. An unfortunate friend of mine, T — hf — 1 
 
 J Sj, tells me that, stopping near the Union Hotel the 
 
 other day to have his boots blacked by a Frenchman, he was 
 introduced by that exile, during the operation, to thirty-eight 
 of his compatriots, owing to which piece of civility he is now 
 suffering with a cutaneous disorder, and has been vi donc-edj 
 
 icid, and g d ever since, to that degree that he hates the 
 
 sight of a French roll, and damns the memory of the great 
 Napoleon. 
 
 My own circle of acquaintance is not large ; but if I had 
 a dollar for every introduction I have received during the 
 last six weeks I should be able to back up the Baron in one 
 of his magnificent schemes, or purchase the entire establish- 
 ment of the Herald office. 
 
 But I have said quite enough to prove the absurdity of 
 indiscriminate introductions. Hoping, therefore, that you 
 will excuse my introduction of the subject, and that Winn 
 won't make an advertisement out of this article, 
 
 I remain, as ever, yours faithfully. 
 
SQUIBOB AT THE PLAY. 
 
 ANOTHER SQUIBOB IN THE FIELD. 
 
 San Feancisco, Juno 10, 1853. 
 
 The sympathies of tlie community have been strongly ex- 
 cited within the last few days in favor of an unfortunate 
 gentleman of the Hebrew persuasion, on whom the officers 
 of the Golden Gate perpetrated a most inhuman atrocity, 
 during her late trip from Panama. I gather from informa» 
 tion of indignant passengers, and by contemplation of an 
 affecting appeal to the public, posted in the form of a hand- 
 bill at the corners of the streets, that this gentleman was 
 forced, by threats and entreaties, to do violence to his feel- 
 ings and constitution, by eating his way through a barrel (not 
 a half barrel, as has been stated by interested individuals^ 
 anxious to palliate the atrocious deed) of clear pork ! The 
 hand-bill alluded to is headed by a graphic and well-exe- 
 cuted sketch by Solomon Ben David, a distinguished artist 
 of this city, and represents the unhappy sufferer as he 
 
166 SQUIB03 AT THE PLAY. 
 
 emerged from tlie barrel after his oleagmous repast, in the 
 act of asking, very naturally, for a drink of water. The 
 offence alleged, I find from a hasty perusal of the resolu- 
 tions contained in the hand-hill, was simply that this gen- 
 tleman, whose name appears to have been Oliver, was heard 
 inquiring for Colonel Moore, our well known and respected 
 Ex-Postmaster. My friend Saul Isaacs, who keeps the " any- 
 thing on this table for a quarter " stand, tells me that on 
 * doffing his cask," the miserable Oliver was found com- 
 pletely bunged up, and that he is now engaged in compos- 
 ing a pathetic ode, describing his sufferings, to be called 
 " The Barrel," with a few staves of which he favored me on 
 the spot. It was truly touching. But it is needless to ring the . 
 chimes farther on this subject. But one side of the story has 
 yet been heard, and as the officers promise a full and com- 
 plete explanation, it is to be hoped that public opinion may 
 be suspended for a few months, till they can be heard from. 
 
 I attended the American Theatre last evening, and had 
 the pleasure of seeing several admirable pieces capitally per- 
 formed, by the largest and finest assemblage of dramatic 
 talent ever collected on one stage in San Francisco. The 
 occasion was the benefit of the Hebrew Benevolent Society, 
 a very worthy and respectable charity, and the house was 
 absolutely crammed from pit to dome. The aisles and lob- 
 bies were thronged with gentlemen who were unable to obtain 
 seats, and who could obtain but hasty and imperfect glimpses 
 of the stage from their uncomfortable positions. Through 
 the kindness of the box-keeper I was furnished with a chair, 
 
SQUIBOB AT THE TLAY. 167 
 
 from wliich, planted in the middle aisle of the parc[iiette, I 
 had an admirable view of the audience and the drop-curtain. 
 The dress circle was crowded with the fair daughters of Zion 
 and other localities, with silken hair darker than the driven 
 charcoal, " and bright eyes that flashed on eyes that shone 
 again." Above the second circle appeared a dense forest of 
 black whiskers, and curvilinear proboscis; while from the 
 gallery, that paradise of miners and minors, rang as from a 
 dragoon stable the never-ceasing cry of hay! The curtain 
 rose on San Francisco's Pet — the accomplished Caroline 
 Chapman — who appeared in one of her favorite pieces, a 
 pretty little burletta, called the " Actress of All Work," in 
 which she sustained, it is needless to say, most admirably, five 
 distinct characters. She was greeted on her first entrance 
 with tremendous and long- continued applause, which followed 
 her throughout the piece, at the conclusion of which she was 
 called before the curtain, when with one of her sweet smiles 
 she sufficiently rewarded the audience for their just apprecia- 
 tion of her talent, and her legion of admirers for the beau- 
 tiful bouquets which fell around her. To say that she was 
 the " bright particular star " of the evenicg's entertainment, 
 would perhaps appear invidious; but for pure, fresh, natural 
 acting, ever-graceful, sparkling, and all-pretty as she appeared, 
 she certainly could not be excelled, in her peculiar lino of 
 character — and she wasn't. The audience admired thee, 
 Caroline ! and the humble hat of Squibob is at thy disposal 
 for ever ! Miss Chapman was assisted by Mr. Hamilton, a 
 veteran and most worthy actor, who did himself much credit, 
 
168 SQUIBOB AT THE PLAY. 
 
 as he always does in any part he undertakes. Then came 
 Miska Hanser, who with his violin " went up higher, and 
 came down lower," and performed variations to that extent you 
 couldn't distinguish the original tune more hewilderingly, and 
 made it to squeal, and to hray, and to groan, and to whistle, 
 and to grunt, and looked fiercer at the audience while he was 
 doing it, than any concentrated number of musicians ever 
 collected by that regal lover of harmony, the convivial Cole, 
 could possibly have effected. He was received with roars of 
 applause by the audience, who made him do it all over again ; 
 but as I am somewhat like a corn-field, with plenty of ears 
 but no particular idea of music, I was not perhaps as ecstati- 
 cally delighted as I ought to have been. Then Madame la 
 Comtesse de Landsfeldt appeared in the second act of the 
 pantomime of Yelva, in which she delighted the audience 
 with her artistic delineations of the character of an artless 
 and aff'ectionate dumb girl, and was most enthusiastically 
 received and applauded. After which a comic song was given 
 and encored by W. B. Chapman, well known as a comic actor 
 of great celebrity, who enjoys a reputation in his style of per- 
 formances only inferior to Burton and Placide. After this 
 Mr. and Mrs. Baker acted very admirably, a very singular 
 piece, neither farce or comedy, but rather suggestive of a 
 school dialogue, which though not deficient in wit, and abound- 
 ing in sparkling repartee, lacks adaptation to the stage, and 
 would perhaps have seemed tiresome, had it not been for the 
 talent of the performers. Mr. and Mrs. Baker were received 
 with a tempest of applause, and on being called before the 
 
SQUIBOB AT THE PLAY. 109 
 
 curtain at tlie conclusion of the dialogue, a large bouquet, or 
 small conservatory of flowers, was thrown upon the stage, as 
 a tribute of admiration' and regard. The performance closed 
 with the dance of " Le Olle " by the bewitching Lola, which 
 she performed with inimitable grace and elasticity and very 
 much to the satisfaction of the audience, if I may judge by 
 the roars that rent the air as she appeared before the curtain 
 in response to their call. 
 
 Thus finished the entertainment f)f the evening, with 
 which I, murmuring a kind ajew^ retired to my virtuous bed, 
 perfectly satisfied, as I presume did the Hebrew Benevolent 
 Society generally, as their receipts must have been between 
 three and four thousand dollars, with which I hope they will 
 do as much good as I should, if I had it. As I walked up 
 the street on my return home, I noticed a lady who passed 
 me in happy unconsciousness of a small placard adhering to 
 what a sailor would call the afterpart of her shawl, on which, 
 in capital letters, appeared the significant word — TAKEN. 
 As she walked between two gentlemen, holding an arm of 
 each, the notice was not altogether inappropriate. She had 
 evidently sat upon one of the little placards so liberally dis- 
 tributed every night over the front seats at the American, 
 and it had adhered to her dress. 
 
 "Who is the witty individual that has adopted my time- 
 honored signature in the Evening Journal. Funny beggar ! 
 He certainly, he ! he ! he ! does get off, ha ! ha ! ha ! the 
 drollest things, ho ! ho ! ho ! that I ever, ever heard. I was 
 taking my dinner at the Oriental when that capital hit at the 
 
170 SQUIBOB AT THE PLAY. 
 
 Japan Expedition met my eye, and was Iborne from tlie room 
 by two strong waiters, choking with half a glass of water 
 imbibed the wrong way, kicking violently in the air with con- 
 vulsions of laughter and delight, and exclaiming, oh ! d n 
 
 it ; thus losing my repast, and forfeiting for ever the esteem of 
 a grave and elderly gentleman with green spectacles, who sits 
 opposite me, and has made strenuous efforts for my conver- 
 sion, with great hope of ultimate success. Adopt another 
 name, funny man, and do not continue to enhance thus unde- 
 servedly, the literary reputation of 
 
 SQUIBOB. 
 
 THE PARABLE OF THE FOX AND ASS. 
 
 San Fkaxcisco, Juno 12. 
 Editor of tlio 
 
 I would respectfully call the attention of the Evening 
 Journal to the following fable, to be found in Esop's collec- 
 tion, page 194: 
 
 " THE FOX AND THE ASS." 
 
 "An ass, finding a Lion's skin," disguised himself therein, 
 and ranged about in the forest. After he had diverted him- 
 self for some time, he met a Fox, and beiug desirous to 
 astonish him, he leaped at him with some fierceness, and 
 endeavored to imitate the roaring of a Lion. ' Your humble 
 servant, sir,' said the Fox, '■ if you had held your tongue, I 
 might have taken you for a Lion, as others did, but now you 
 bray, / know who you arc.^ 
 
SQUIBOB AT THE PLAY. 171 
 
 " MORAL : 
 
 " We perceive from this fable how proper it is for those 
 to hold their tongues who would not discover the shallowness 
 of their understandings." 
 
 I rather think it would be "painting the lily" to attempt 
 any improvement on this beautiful and instructive parable, 
 by any crude remarks of my own. 
 
 SQUIBOB. 
 
THE LITERARY CONTRIBUTION BOX. 
 
 LINES TO LOLA MONTES. 
 
 San Fkancisco, Jane 13th, 1353. 
 
 On assuming the responsible position of poetical critic for tlio 
 Herald^ I applied to my friend Mr. Parry for permission to 
 place in one corner of his San Francisco renowned establlsli- 
 ment, a cigar-box, with a perforated sliding cover, for i:hQ 
 reception of poetical contributions, a request which that 
 gentlenjan most urbanely granted. Knowing that " Parry's" 
 was the favorite resort of the wits, literati and savans of the 
 city, I hoped and believed that this enterprise would be 
 crowned with the success that it merited; but either our 
 city poets are unable to find quarters in that establishment, 
 or there is dearth of that description of talent at present ; 
 for with the exception of two or three contributions of " old 
 soldiers " and a half-dollar deposited by an inebriated mem- 
 
THE LITERARY CONTRIBUTION BOX. 173 
 
 ber of tlie last Legislature, on the representation of liia 
 friends that the box was placed there for the relief of dis- 
 tressed Chinese women, nothing has come of it. 
 
 Diurnally, after imbibing my morning glass of bimbo (a 
 temperance drink, composed of " three parts of root beer 
 and two of water-gruel, thickened with a little soft squash, 
 and strained through a cane-bottomed chair)," have I 
 gazed mournfully into that aching void, and have turned 
 away to meet the sympathetic glance of Batten, who, being 
 a literary man himself, feels for my disappointment, and 
 shakes his head sadly as in reply to my mute inquiry, he 
 utters the significant monosyllable " Nix." But this morn- 
 ing my exertions were rewarded : " I had a bite." In my 
 box I found the following contribution, and feeling de- 
 lighted at my success, and to encourage others who may 
 dread criticism, I shall publish it without remark or an- 
 notation, merely premising that I know nothing whatever of 
 M. W. but that he appears to be a worthy and impulsive 
 young fellow, who, having become possessed of five dollars, 
 invested it very properly in the purchase of a ticket at the 
 American Theatre, where he incontinently fell in love with 
 Mrs. Heald (as possibly others may have done before him), 
 and where he hastily "threw off" the following lines, written 
 doubtless on the back of a playbill, immediately after the 
 conclusion of the Spider Dance, when he probably found 
 himself in a sweet state, compounded of love, excitement 
 and perspiration, caused by a great physical exertion, in pso- 
 ducing the encore. Here it is : 
 
174 TIIE LITERARY CONTRIBUTION BOX. 
 
 "TO LOLA MONTES. 
 
 " Fair Lola ! 
 ' I caanot believe, as I gaze on tliy face, 
 
 And into thy soul-speaking eye, 
 There rests in thy bosom one lingering trace 
 Of a spirit the world should decry. 
 No, Lola, no! 
 
 I read in those eyes, and on that clear brow, 
 
 A Spirit — a Will — it is true ; 
 I trace there a Soul — ^kind, loving, e'en now; 
 
 But it is not a wanton I view; 
 No, Lola, No! 
 
 I will not believe thee cold, heartless and vain ! 
 
 Man's victim thou ever hast been ! 
 With thee rests the sorrow, on thee hangs the chain , 
 Then on thee should the world cast the sin ? 
 No, Lola, no. 
 
 M. W.'^ 
 
 Now isn't this but I promised not to criticise. Try 
 
 it again, M. W. — ^you'll do ! Winn, wlio is looking over my 
 shoulder, and is a connoisseur in this description of poetry, 
 says it is very fair — ^but he will persist in inquiring " what 
 chain is alluded to in the last line but one ? " He thinks 
 " there is a link wanting there to complete the connection." 
 But never mind this, M. W. ; he would be glad enough 
 to reward you liberally for a similar article laudatory 
 of buckwheat cakes and golden syrup. Don't be dis- 
 
THE LITERARY CONTRIBUTION BOX. l75 
 
 heartened! Just you go on and fill the cigar box, con- 
 fident of deserving the " smiles " of Parry, the " cheer " of 
 Batten, and the appreciation, with a " first-rate notice," of 
 your admiring 
 
 SQUIBOB. 
 
A VERY MOURNFUL CHAPTER. 
 
 DEATH AND SPIRIT RESURRECTION OF SQUIBOB. 
 
 [Reported hj Jiis fnend SJcetchalL'] 
 
 San Francisco, Juno 15tb, 1S53. 
 
 Editor Herald — It becomes my melanclioly duty to in- 
 form you of the decease, under most painful circumstances, 
 of your friend and contributor, the unfortunate " Squibob." 
 It has been evident to the public for some days past that his 
 faculties were becoming much impaired, and his friends had 
 noticed, with regret, growing evidences of imbecility, evinced 
 by a disposition to make unnecessary and inappropriate puns, 
 and a tendency to ridicule the Board of Aldermen, the code 
 of duelling, and other equally serious subjects and sacred 
 institutions. Hopes were still entertained of his rallying, 
 and many believed that he would yet be spared to us ; but, 
 on the 13th instant, he was seized with a violent attack of 
 the Evening Journal — a species of intermittent epidemic 
 which made its appearance regularly at four o'clock each 
 
A VERY MOURNFUL CHAPTER. 177 
 
 afternoon, and umder the influence of which he rapidly sunk. 
 He sent for me late yesterday evening, and I had the 
 mournful satisfaction of being with him in his last moments, 
 and of closing one of his eyes. I say one of his eyes, for 
 the other persisted in remaining partly open, and his inter- 
 esting countenance, even in death, preserves that ineffable 
 wink of intelligence which so eminently characterized him 
 while among the living. I found him suffering much from 
 physical and mental prostration, but evidently well aware of 
 his approaching end, and calm and resigned in the con- 
 templation of that event. Some idea may be formed of his 
 condition " from a remark that he made : " "I sent to the 
 cook for a broiled pork chop," he feebly articulated, " and he 
 sent me a fried one. It is satisfactory, in one's last moments 
 thus to receive the consolations of religion from a San Fran- 
 ciscan Friar. ^^ I could not resist an expression of horror 
 at this sad evidence of the alarmingly low state to which he 
 had been brought. He smiled sadly, and said, with ineffable 
 sweetness, " Never mind — it's better so. My friends have 
 all advised me to die, and it is my safest course. If I had 
 continued in the papers, some bellicose individual would have 
 * called me ow/,' and the Herald would have been ' rifled of 
 its sweets.' " He was here seized with an alarming paroxysm, 
 during which his hands were extended in a right line from 
 the tip of his nose, the fingers separated and " twiddling " 
 (if I may be allowed the expression) in a convulsive manner. 
 On recovering, his eye fell on a copy of the Evening Jour- 
 nal He shuddered, and muttering, in an incoherent manner 
 
178 A VERY MOURNFUL CHAPTER. 
 
 " I am done Brown," turned away. I then-gaye him a glass 
 of " Bimbo," wliich appeared to arouse Lis energies, and Iiq 
 requested that his daguerreotype of " G-reene," in his great 
 character of Sir Harcourt Courtly, might be shown him. 
 A.S I held before him the representation of that artist, a 
 barrel organ in the street below struck up his favorite tune, 
 '' The Low-Backed Car." As the well-known sound struck 
 on his ear, a light spread over his countenance. Sitting up 
 in bed, he seized the miniature and clasped it to his breast. 
 " Where is M. W. ? " he screamed. " Give it me quick ! 
 quick ! ! " I hastily handed him yesterday's Herald. His 
 eye fell on the lines. Gazing alternately on them and the 
 miniature, and eagerly listening to the organ — " Poetry ! 
 Music ! and the Drama ! " he exclaimed — " Farewell ! fare- 
 well, for ever ! " The light passed from his visage, his eye 
 glazed, and falling back upon his pillow, his gentle spirit 
 passed ajvay without a struggle. 
 
 I had left the room to give directions to the weeping 
 Nancy, with reference to the disposal of the body, when re- 
 turning, judge of my surprise at finding him sitting up in bed. 
 "Look here, old fellow," said he, "By George! I quite 
 forgot my last words—" This is ilie last of earth !—I still 
 
 live ! I 1 WISH THE CONSTITUTION TO BE PRESERVED ! ! ! 
 
 HEBE'S LUCK ! ! ! ! " Then lying down, and closing one 
 eye, with a wink, the intense meaning of which beggars all 
 
A VERY MOURNFUL CHAPTER. 179 
 
 description^ lie expired — this time "positively witliout re- 
 serve." 
 
 P. S. — The funeral ceremonies will take place to-morrow, 
 at 11 o'clock, at " Patty and Barren's," when the public gene- 
 rally are invited to attend (with rifles). The " Tangarecs " 
 (of which association the deceased was a member), and the 
 " Moral Reform Society," will form around the bier {lager) , 
 and accompany the body to its last resting place. 
 
 Winn is now busily engaged in the melancholy duty of 
 modelling his features in soft gingerbread. A copy of the 
 bust in candy he promises shall be sent to the offices of the 
 Herald and the Evening Journal. 
 
 A Spiritual Medium (one of the tipping ones) has just 
 been experimenting in the room with the remains. The 
 following questions were put, eliciting the following an- 
 swers — 
 
 Question. — " Is the spirit of Squibob present ? " 
 
 Answer. — " Slightually." 
 
 Question. — " Are you happy ? " 
 
 Answer. — " Eather." 
 
 The Spirit here asked, through the Medium, the follow- 
 ing question — 
 
 " Are the public generally glad I am dead ? " 
 
 A regard for veracity compelled every person in the room 
 to reply : " Yery ! " — when the table on which the experi- 
 ments were being conducted was violently capsized, and the 
 remains, sitting up in bed, threw a boot at the Medium, 
 which broke up the meeting — the Medium very properly 
 
180 A VERY MOURNFUL CHAPTER. 
 
 remarking, that " it would be bootless to prosecute the in« 
 quiry farther." 
 
 Should any thing further of interest transpire, I will 
 take much pleasure in informing you. 
 
 Yours respectfully, 
 
 SKEWBALL. 
 
EETUKN OF THE COLLECTOR 
 
 J 
 
 THKILLING AND FEANTIC EXCITEaiENT AMONG OFFICE- ! 
 
 SEEKERS. PROCESSION AND SPEECH. ! 
 
 \ 
 
 Intelligence having reached the city yesterday morning 
 that the new Collector might be expected hy the Soxohie j 
 from Stockton, at an early hour in the afternoon the crowd j 
 of office-seekers began to assemble, and by eight o'clock ! 
 last evening, every avenue of approach to Long Wharf was 
 entirely closed and the wharf itself so densely packed with ' 
 human beings, that the merchants and others compelled to [ 
 resort thither, were obliged tc step from the corner of Mont- 
 gomery and Commercial streets upon the heads of the i 
 crowd, and proceed to their places of business over a living j 
 pavement. Much suffering having been caused by the pas- : 
 sage of loaded drays and other carriages over the shoulders ] 
 of the crowd, and many serious accidents having occurred 
 to individuals — amon^ which we can only notice the unfor- ] 
 
182 RETURN OF THE COLLECTOR. 
 
 tunate case of a plethoric elderly gentleman, who, slipping 
 on a glazed hat, fell down and broke himself somewhere — 
 our worthy Mayor, ever alive to the calls of humanity, 
 throwing aside all political prejudice, caused plank to bo 
 laid over the heads of the assembly from Sansome street to 
 the extremity of the wharf, which in a great measure allevi- 
 ated their suffering. 
 
 There was no fighting or disorder among the crowd, for 
 so closely were they packed that no man could move a 
 finger ; one unfortunate individual who at an early stage of 
 the proceedings had inadvertently raised his arm above his 
 head, remained with it immutably fixed in that position. 
 Like an East Indian Fakir, who had taken a vow to point 
 for ever toward heaven, that melancholy hand was seen for 
 hours directed towards the nearest bonded warehouse. 
 Some idea of the amiable feeling existing among the mul- 
 titude may be gathered from the statement of Capt. J. 
 
 B , familiarly known as " Truthful James." He informs 
 
 me that early this morning the keeper of a restaurant on 
 the wharf picked up no less than seven hundred and eighty- 
 four ears and three peck baskets full of mutilated fragments ! 
 To use the words of James, as with horror-stricken counte- 
 nance he made me this communication, " they had been 
 chawed sir ! actilly cliawed off ! " Such horrible barbarity 
 makes humanity shudder ! But I forbear comment, the 
 business of your reporter is to state facts, not to indulge in 
 sentiment. 
 
 At half-past nine o'clock an electric shock ran through 
 
RETURN OF THE COLLECTOR. 183 
 
 the vast assemblage at the well-known sound of the Sophie's 
 bell. All the agony and suffering orthe past few hours was 
 forgotten: for an instant Long "Wharf quivered like an aspen 
 leaf, and then rose to heaven a mighty shout, which shook 
 every building in the city to its foundations. The Sophie 
 approached the wharf, the Collector and her other passen- 
 gers disembarked, and in a few moments a procession was 
 formed and proceeded in the following order to the 
 Oriental. 
 
 THE NEW COLLECTOK, 
 
 In a carriage drawn by two horses, lashed to their 
 utmost speed, tearing along Battery street towards the 
 Hotel. 
 
 All the male inhabitants of Stockton (except one reck- 
 less and despairing old Whig, who, knowing he had no 
 chance, and being confined to his bed by sickness, remained 
 behind to take charge of the city) running eight abreast, at 
 the top of their speed. 
 
 THE POLICE OF SAN FRANCISCO, 
 
 On a dead run, and much blown. 
 
 Candidates for office in the Custom House who had known 
 the Collector in his early youth, ten abreast, bearing a ban- 
 ner with the following motto : " Don't you remember the 
 path where we met, long, long ago ? " 
 
 A fire company, who had inadvertently turned into 
 
184 RETURN OF THE COLLECTOR. 
 
 Battery street, were driven furiously along with tlie proces« 
 sion, and were wondering Iiow the d — 1 they were ever to 
 get out of it. 
 
 Candidates for office who had lately become acquainted 
 with the Collector, twelve abreast. 
 
 Banner — ""We saw him but a moment, but methinks 
 we've got him now." 
 
 Candidates who fervently wished to the Lord they could 
 get ac(][uainted with him. 
 
 Candidates who had frequently heard of him — forty-five 
 abreast. 
 
 THE U. S. AEMT, 
 
 Consisting of a discharged sergeant of the 9th infantry 
 slightly inebriated, one abreast, desiring the Deputy Col- 
 lectorship, or the Porterage, or that the Collector would give 
 him four bits — didn't care a d — ^n which. 
 
 By an unhappy dog, trodden under foot by the crowd 
 and giving vent to the most unearthly yells. 
 
 All the members of the Democratic party in California 
 who did not wish for an office in the Custom House, consist- 
 ing of a fortunate miner who had made his pile and was 
 going home on the first of the month. 
 
 Gentlemen who had the promise of appointments from 
 influential friends, and were sure of getting them, walking 
 
RETURN OF TIIII COLLECTOR. 185 
 
 arm in arm with gentlemen without distinction of party, 
 who were confident of drawing the Diamond watch in 
 Reeve's Lottery. This part of the procession was four 
 hours in passing a given point. 
 
 M. L. WINN, 
 
 Bearing in his right hand a pole from which floated a 
 Bill of Fare three hundred and twenty-six feet in length, 
 and in his left, a buckwheat cake glittering with golden 
 syrup. 
 
 MR. BRANCH, 
 
 Supporting the other extremity of the Bill of Fare. 
 
 CITIZENS GENERALLY, 
 
 The procession having moved with great rapidity, soon 
 arrived at the Oriental, but not as soon as the Collector, 
 who rushing hastily into his room, locked and barricaded 
 the door, having previously instructed the Landlord to in- 
 form all persons who might inquire for him, that he was 
 dead. Meanwhile the multitude had completely surrounded 
 the hotel, and signified their impatience and disgust at find- 
 ing the doors, closed by angry roars, uttered at half-second 
 intervals. Finding their cries disregarded, a sudden move- 
 ment took place among them, and for a few moments I 
 feared the hotel was to be carried by storm, when a window 
 on Bush street opened, and a gentleman, whom the darkness 
 
186 RETURN OF THE COLLECTOR. 
 
 of tlie evening prevented my completely identifying, but who, 
 I religiously believe to have been the Collector, appeared, 
 and amid tlie most profound silence, made the following 
 beautiful and touching address : " G-entlemen — I wish to 
 God you would ail go to bed ; you have worried and annoyed 
 me beyond endurance. I am not to bo caught by you as 
 was General Scott, for I actually have no time to remove 
 any portion of my clothing. I do not love brogue ; I be- 
 seech you, therefore, to retire and allow me a little repose." 
 The address here concluded with some allusion to the Deity 
 and a reference to the eyes of the crowd, which being pro- 
 nounced indistinctly, your reporter was not able entirely 
 to comprehend, and with a sudden slam the window closed. 
 
 The scene without now beggared description: roars, 
 yells, frantic cries for "ladders ! " " ladders ! " rent the air. 
 Within the hotel all was alarm and confusion — the ladies 
 screamed, children cried, the alarmed proprietor spoke of 
 sending for the Mary Ann Rifles, when — the .scene suddenly 
 changed. ' Upon the piazza of the house appeared a gentle- 
 man, walking slowly with his hands in the pockets of a shawl 
 dressing-gown ; he wore a brown wig, and an enormous pair 
 of false whiskers framed his well-rouged cheeks. In a word, 
 he was dressed in the character of Sir Harcourt Courtly. 
 Turning slowly towards the crowd, he withdrew one hand 
 from the pocket of the shawl dressing-gown, and slowly and 
 awkwardly extending it, said : — " Cool ! " It was sufficient. 
 For an instant, a shudder ran through the mob — then, with 
 cries of " /fs him! ifs Greene/ " they broke and dispersed 
 
RETURN OP THE COLLECTOR. 187 
 
 in every direction — up Busli and down Battery, througli 
 Stockton street and over tlie sand-hills, they fled like fright- 
 ened deer. The earth seemed to have opened and swallowed 
 them up, so sudden and complete was the dispersion. In 
 one moment, where stood a mob of fifteen thousand, re- 
 mained but two individuals. Above, with a sidelong bov/ 
 and melancholy smile, slowly retired Sir Harcourt, and on 
 the earth below, with open mouth and distended eyes, his 
 admiring gaze fixed upon that extraordinary man with 
 reverential awe, stood 
 
 PHCENIX. 
 
 Satuedat MonNEfG. 
 
 p. S. " Truthful James " has just rushed up in a frantic 
 state to inform me that the Collector did not arrive last 
 night after all. When I made my report, I did not know 
 whether he had or not, but I am inclined now to think he 
 might have done so. I don't know that it makes any differ- 
 ence. If he did arrive, my report is all true now — if he did 
 not, why, when he does arrive, it will be all true then ; and 
 those who read it this morning, and find it false, will have the 
 pleasure of reading it again, when it becomes the history of 
 an actual occurrence. Of course you won't publish this. 
 
 PHCENIX. 
 
PHCENIX TAKES AN AFFECTIONATE 
 LEAVE OF SAN FEANOISCO. 
 
 San Diego, Aug. 10, 1853. 
 
 It was about 7| A. M., on tlie first day of this present month 
 of August, that I awaked from a very pleasant dream in the 
 great city of San Francisco^ to the very unpleasant conviction 
 that it was a damp and disagreeable morning, and that my 
 presence was particularly required in the small city of San 
 Diego. So, having shaken hands with Frink, taken an affec- 
 tionate leave of the chaimbermaid, and, lastly, devoured a 
 beefsteak at the Branch of Alden, which viand, in perfect 
 keeping with the weather, was both cold and raw, I shoul- 
 dered my cane with a carpet bag suspended at each end, " a la 
 Chinois," and left the Tehama House without''' one linger- 
 ing hope or fond regret." When a man is going down, every 
 body lends him a kick, an aphorism which I came very near 
 realizing in my own proper person, for as I went on my way 
 down Long Wharf, I accidentally grazed a mule, who being in 
 
LEAVING OF SAN FHANCISCO. 189 
 
 an evil frame of mind and harnessed to a dray might he con- 
 sidered as passionately attached to that conveyance. This in- 
 teresting animal, fancying from my appearance that I was 
 " going down," " lent me a kick," which, had his legs ]§een 
 two inches longer, would have put a stop to my correspond- 
 ence for ever. As it was I escaped, and hurried on down the 
 wharf, thinking with a shudder on the mysterious prophecy of 
 my friend little Miss B., who had told me I was " sure to be 
 kicked " before I left San Francisco, and wondering if she 
 was really " among the prophets." The Northerner, like the 
 steamboat runners, was lying at the end of the wharf, blow- 
 ing off steam, and as usual when a steamer is about to leave 
 for Panama, a great crowd surrounded her. What made 
 them all get up so early ? Out of the three or four hundred 
 people on the end of that wharf I don't believe fifty had 
 friends that were about to sail. No ! they love to look upon 
 a steamer leaving. It brings to their minds recollections of 
 the dear ones at home to whom she is speeding with fond 
 tidings, and they love to gaze and wish to Heaven they were 
 going in her. The usual mob of noisy fruit venders encom- 
 passed the gangway plank ; green pears they sold to green- 
 er purchasers; apples, also, whereof, every thing but the 
 shape of an apple had long since departed, and oranges, the 
 recollection of one of which, doth to this day abide by me 
 and set my teeth on edge ; but high above their din, the roar 
 of the steamer and the murmuring of the crowd, rang the 
 shrill cry of the nevv^sboy in his unknown tongue, Sere's ilie 
 Alteriddnigimtimes Eeup ! I stepped across the plank ar.d 
 
190 LEAVING OF SAN FRANCISCO. 
 
 found myself in tlie presence of three fine bullocks. How fat 
 and sleek they looked ; uneasy though, as if they smelled mis- 
 chief in the wind. 
 
 •A tall gaunt specimen of Pike County humanity stood re- 
 garding them approvingly, his head thrown slightly back, to 
 get their points to better advantage. It was the tomb gaz- 
 ing on its victim. As I paused for a moment to look on the 
 picture. Pike yawned fearfully, his head opening like the top 
 of an old-fashioned fall-back chaise. The nearest bullock, 
 turning, caught his eye. I thought the unhappy animal shud- 
 dered and nudged his companion, as who should say, " Ye liv- 
 ing, come and view the grave where you shall shortly lie." 
 It was quite a touching little scene. On deck all was bustle 
 and excitement. The sailors, apparently in the last extremity 
 of physical suffering, judging by their agonized cries, were 
 heaving away at mysterious ropes. The mate, Mr. Dall, was 
 engaged in busy, not tender dalliance with the breast lines, 
 while Burns the Purser exhibited an activity and good na- 
 ture only to be accounted for by the supposition that he had 
 eaten two boxes of Russia salve (which is good for Burns — 
 see your advertising columns) for his breakfast. 
 
 As the last line fell from the dock, and our noble steamer 
 with a mighty throb and deep sigh, at bidding adieu to San 
 Francisco, swung slowly round, the passengers crowded to the 
 side to exchange a farewell salutation with their friends and 
 acquaintances. " Grood bye, Jones," " Good bye. Brown," 
 ' God bless you old fellow, take care of yourself! " they 
 ehouted. Not seeing any one that I knew, and fearing the 
 
LEAVmG OF SAN FRANCISCO. 191 
 
 passengers might tliink I had no friends, I shouted " Good bye, 
 Muggins," and had the satisfaction of having a shabby man 
 much inebriated, reply as he swung his rimless hat, " Grood 
 bye, my brother." Not particularly elated at this recogni- 
 tion, I tried it again, with, " Good bye. Colonel," whereat 
 thirty-four respectable gentlemen took off their hats, and I 
 got down from the position that I had occupied on a camp 
 stool, with much dignity, inwardly wondering whether my 
 friends were all aids to Bigler, in which case their elevated 
 rank and affection for me would both be satisfactorily ac- 
 counted for. 
 
 Away we sped down the bay, the captain standing on the 
 wheel-house directing our course. " Port, Port a little, Port," 
 he shouted. " What's he a calling for ? " inquired a youth of 
 good-natured but unmistakable verdancy of appearance, of me. 
 ' Port wine," said I, " and the storekeeper don't hear him ,■ 
 you'd better take him up some." '^ I will," said Innocence ; 
 " Iv'e got a bottle of first rate in my state room." And he did, 
 but soon returned with a particularly crest-fallen and sheepish 
 appearance. " Well, what did he say to you," inquired I. 
 " Pointed at the notice on that tin," said the poor fellow 
 " Passengers not allowed on the wheel-house." " He is, 
 though, ain't he ? " added my friend with a faint attempt at 
 a smile, as the captain in an awful voice shouted, " Starboard ! " 
 "Is what?" said I, ^^ Loud on the ivJieel house f^'' Good 
 God ! I went below. 
 
 At 9 o'clock in the evening we arrived at Monterey, 
 where our modest salute was answered by the thundering 
 
192 LEAVING OF SAN FHANCISCO. 
 
 response of a 24-pouiider from the fort. This useful defen- 
 sive work, which mounts some twenty heavy guns and con- 
 tains quarters for a regiment, was built in 1848, "by Halleck, 
 Peachy & Billings. It is now used as a hermitage hy a lone- 
 ly officer of the U. S. Army. The people of Monterey have 
 a wild legend concerning this desolate recluse. I was told 
 that he passes the whole of his time in sleep, never by any 
 chance getting out of bed until he hears the gun of a steamer, 
 when he rushes forth in his shirt, fires off a 24-pounder, 
 sponges and reloads it, takes a drink and turns in again. 
 They never have seen him ; it's only by his semi-montJilj 
 Q^eports they know of his existence. " Well," said I to my 
 informant, a bustling little fellow named Bootjacks, who 
 came off on board of us, " suppose, some day a steamer should 
 arrive and he should not return her gun ? " " Well sir," re- 
 plied Bootjacks, with a quaint smile, " we should conclude 
 that he was either dead, or out of poivder.^^ Logical deduc- 
 tion this, and a rather curious story, altogether; how I 
 should like to see him ! Bootjacks kindly presented me 
 with the following state of the markets, &c. in Monterey, 
 which will give you a better idea of the large business and 
 commercial prosperity of that flourishing city, than any thing 
 that I can write on those subjects. 
 
 MONTEEET MARKETS. 
 
 The arrival of a stranger by the Maj. Tompkins from San 
 Francisco, during the past week, with specie to the amount of 
 $4 87-2", most of which has been put in circulation, has prodnccl 
 
LEAVING OF SAN FRANCISCO. 193 
 
 an unprecedented activity among our business men. Confidence 
 is in a great measure restored, and our merchants have had no 
 reason to complain of want of occupation. The following is the 
 state of our market, for the principal articles of domestic con- 
 sumption : 
 
 Flouk — Twenty-five pounds, imported by Boston, & Co. per 
 Major Tompkins, still in first hands ; flour in small quantities is 
 jobbing readily at 15 @ 18 cents '^ lb. We notice sales of 10 lb 
 by Boston, & Co., to Judge Merritt, on private terms. 
 
 PoEK — The half bbl. imported by Col. Eussell, in March last, 
 is nearly all in the hands of jobbers ; sales of 4 ib at $1, half cash ; 
 remainder in note at 4 months. A half bbl. expected by Boot- 
 jack & Co., early in September, will overstock the market. 
 
 Candy — Sales of G sticks by Boston & Co. to purser of Maj. 
 Tompkins, on private terms; the market has a downward ten- 
 dency ; candy is jobbing in sticks at 6 @ 8 cents. 
 
 Potatoes — We notice arrival of 10 lb from the Santa Cruz , 
 no sales. 
 
 Dry Goods — Sales of two cotton pocket hdkfs. by Mc Ivinley 
 & Co. at 62^ @ 75 cents ; indorsed note at 6 months. 
 
 Lively place this= Thank Heaven my lot is not cast 
 there — it was once, but the people sold it for taxes. Having 
 taken on board the U. S. mail, containing one letter (which 
 I believe must have been the resignation of the Collector), 
 our noble steamer bore away to the Southward. 
 
 Four bells tinkled from the little bell aft; four bells 
 chimed from its deep-toned brother forward, and being of a 
 retiring disposition, I retired. 
 9 
 
FHCENIX IS ON THE SEA. 
 
 Eright and beautiful rose the sun, from out the calm blue 
 sea, its early rays gleaming on the snow-white decks of 
 the Northerner^ and " gilding refined gold " as they pene- 
 trated the state-room "A," and lingering, played among the 
 tresses of the slumbering McAuburn. It was a lovely morn- 
 ing, " the winds were all hushed, and the waters at rest," and 
 no sound was heard but the throbbing of the engine and the 
 splash of the paddle wheels as the gallant old Northerner 
 sped on her way, " tracking the trackless sea." Two sailors 
 engaged in their morning devotions with the holy stones near 
 my room, amused me not a little. One of them', either acci- 
 dentally or with " malice prepense," threw a bucket of water 
 against the bulwark, which ricocheting^ struck the other on 
 his dorsal extremity, as he leaned to his work, making that 
 portion of his frame exceedingly damp and him exceedingly 
 
 angry. " You just try that again, your soul," exclaimed 
 
 the Oiicr.ded one, " and I'll slap your chops for you." " Oh. 
 
PHCENIX IS ON THE SEA. 195 
 
 yes you will," sarcastically rejoined lie of the water bucket 
 " I've licerd of you afore ! You're old cho^-slapper^s son, 
 aint you? Father went round slaj^pmg ^peopWs chomps, 
 didnH he? " Then followed a short fight, in which, as might 
 have been espected, " Old chop-slapper's son " got rather the 
 worst of it. 
 
 There was no excuse for being sick that morning, so our 
 passengers, still pale, but with cheerful hope depicted in their 
 countenances, soon began to throng the deck, segars were 
 again brought into requisition, and we had an opportunity of 
 ascertaining " whether there was any Bourbon among us." 
 A capital set of fellows they were. There was Moore, and 
 Parker, and Bowers (one of Joe Bowers' boys), and Sarsa- 
 parilla Meade, and Freeman, which last mentioned gentle- 
 men, so amusing were they, appeared to be travelling ex;pressly 
 to entertain us. And there were no ladies, which to me was 
 a blessed dispensation. 
 
 ' Oh, woman ! in our lionrs of ease 
 Uncertain, coy, and hard to please ; 
 When pain and anguish -wring the brow, 
 A ministerina: anscel thou." 
 
 Certainly : but at sea, Woman, you are decidedly disa- 
 greeable. In the first place, you generally bring babies with 
 you, which are a crying evil, and then you have to have the 
 best state-room and the first seat at the table, and monopolize 
 the captain's attention and his room, and you make remarks 
 to one another about us, and our segars and profanity, and 
 
196 PHCENIX IS ON THE SEA. 
 
 accuse us of singing rowdy songs, niglits ; and you generally 
 wind up by doing some scandalous thing yourself, wlien lialf 
 of us take your part and the other half don't, and we get 
 all together by the ears, and a pretty state of affairs ensues. 
 No, woman ! you are agreeable enough on shore, if taken 
 homeopathically, but on a steamer, you are a decided nuisance. 
 
 We had a glorious day aboard the old Northerner; we 
 played whist, and sang songs, and told stories, many of which 
 were coeval with our ancient school-lessons, and like them 
 came very easy, going over the second time, and many drank 
 strong waters, and becoming mopsed thereon, toasted " the 
 girls we'd left behind us," whereat one, who, being a tem- 
 perance man, had guzzled soda-water until his eyes seemed 
 about to pop from his head, pondered deeply, sighed, and said 
 nothing. And so we laughed, and sang, and played, and 
 whiskied, and soda-watered through the day. And fast the 
 old Northerner rolled on. And at night the Captain gave 
 us a grand game supper in his room, at which game we played 
 not, but went at it in sober earnest ; and then there were 
 more songs (the same ones, though, and the same stories too, 
 over again), and some speechifying, and much fun, until at 
 eight bells we separated, some shouting, some laughing, some 
 crying (but not with sorrow), but all extremely happy, and so 
 we turned in. But before I sought state-room A that night, 
 I executed a small scheme, for insuring undisturbed repose, 
 which I had revolved in my mind during the day, and which 
 met with the most brilliant success, as you shall hear. 
 
 You remember the two snobs that every night, in the 
 
PHCENIX IS ON THE SEA, 197 
 
 pursuit of exercise under difficulties, walk up and down on 
 the deck, arm in arm, riglit over your state-room. You 
 remember how, when just as you are getting into your first 
 doze, they commence, tramp ! tramp ! tramp ! right over 
 your head ; then you " hear them fainter, fainter still ; " you 
 listen in horrible dread of their return, nourishing the while 
 a feeble-minded hope that they may have gone below — when, 
 horror ! here they come, louder, louder, till tramp ! tramp ! 
 tramp ! they go over your head again, and with rage in your 
 heart, at the conviction that sleep is impossible, you sit up in 
 bed and despairingly light an unnecessary segar. They were 
 on board the Northerner^ and the night before had aroused 
 my indignation to that strong pitch that I had determined on 
 their downfall. So, before retiring, I proceeded to the upper 
 deck, and there did I quietly attach a small cord to the 
 stanchions, which stretching across, about six inches from the 
 planking, formed what in maritime matters is known as a 
 " booby trap." This done, I repaired to my room, turned in 
 and calmly awaited the result. In ten minutes they came, I 
 heard them laughing together as they mounted the ladder. 
 Then commenced the exercise, louder, louder, tramp ! tramp ! 
 — thump ! (a double-barrelled thump) down they came 
 together, " Oh, what a fall was there my countrymen." Two 
 deep groans were elicited, and then followed what, if published, 
 would make two closely printed royal octavo pages of pro- 
 fanity. I heard them d — ^n the soul of the man that did it. 
 It was my soul that they alluded to, but I cared not, I lay 
 there chuckling ; " they called, but I answered not again," 
 
198 PHOENIX IS ON THE SEA. 
 
 and when at length they limped away, their loud profanity, 
 subdued to a blasphemous growl, I turned over in a sweet 
 frame of mind and, falling instantaneously asleep, dreamed a 
 dream, a happy dream of " home and thee " — Susan Ann 
 Jane ! 
 
 The next morning bright and early, the Coronados hove 
 in sight, and at 10 o'clock we rounded Point Loma and ran 
 alongside the coal hulk Clarissa Andrews, at the Playa of 
 San Diego — -just forty-nine hours from San Francisco. 
 
 The captain (he is the crew also) of the Clarissa Andrews, 
 the gallant Bogart, stood on her rail ready to catch our flying 
 line, and in a few moments we were secured alongside, our 
 engine motionless and my journey ended. 
 
 It was with no small regret that I bade adieu to our merry 
 passengers and our glorious captain. Noble fellow ! I don't 
 wonder enthusiastic passengers get up subscriptions and make 
 speeches and present plate and trumpets, and what not to 
 such men. It's very natural. 
 
 A good captain is sure to have a good ship ; a voyage 
 with him becomes an agreeable matter ; he makes his passen- 
 gers happy and they very naturally fall in love with him, and 
 seek some method of displaying their attachment and " trum- 
 ,peting his praise abroad." Our captain was one of this sort; 
 kind, courteous and obliging, and " every inch a sailor," he is 
 as much beloved and respected by his passengers as Dick 
 Whiting of the California (who to my mind is the ne plus 
 ultra of steamboat men), and when I say that the first letter 
 
PHCENIX- IS ON THE SEA. 199 
 
 of Lis name is Isham, I'm sure every body that ever travelled 
 with him, will agree with me. 
 
 The Norihernerj too, is a splendid and most comfortable 
 ship, as which of the Pacific Mail boats are not ? however. 
 And this subject brings to my mind a little circumstance 
 whir h took place the day before I left San Francisco. 
 
 A shabby-genteel individual, with a pale face, in the cen- 
 tre of which shone a purple nose that couldn't be beat 
 (though it resembled the vegetable of that name), called on 
 me, and drawing from his coat-tail pocket, with an air of 
 mystery, a voluminous manuscript, spread it solemnly before 
 me and requested my signature. It was a petition to Con- 
 gress, or Mr. Pierce, or John Bigler, or somebody, to trans- 
 fer the contract for carrying the mails, from the " Pacific 
 Oompany " to " Yanderbilt's Line," and was signed by Brown 
 h Co., Jones & Co., Smith & Brothers, Noakes, Stiles & 
 Thompson, and ever so many more responsible firms, whereof 
 [ recognized but one, which deals in candy nightly at the cor- 
 aer of Commercial and Montgomery streets, and pays no taxes, 
 and whose correspondence with the Eastern States I suspect 
 is not large. I love to sign ray name. It is a weakness that 
 most modest men have. I love to write it, and cut it, and 
 scratch it in steeples, and monuments, and other places of 
 public resort. Most men do. It looks pretty, passes away 
 the time, perpetuates their memory among posterity, and costs 
 nothing. I frecjuently buy something that I don't want at 
 all, just for the pleasure of signing my name to a check — (I 
 bought a ridiculous buggy the other day for no other reason 
 
200 PHCENIX IS ON THE SEA. 
 
 that I can imagine.) But I had no inclination to append my 
 autograpli to that petition, and I declined, positively and per- 
 emptorily — declined. My friend with the nose rolled up his 
 eyes and rolled up his paper, pocketed it, and was about to 
 withdraw. " Stop ! " said I, as a vivid recollection flashed 
 across my mind ; " what are you going about with that paper 
 for ? Didn't I see you a few months ago marching down the 
 street at the head of a long procession, bearing a big banner 
 with " Yanderbilt's Death Line ! " in great letters thereon, 
 and giving vent to all sorts of scurrility against the Nica- 
 ragua route ? " The red nose grew redder, as he muttered 
 something about " a man's being obliged to get a living," and 
 he retired. I saw him go and get his boots blacked by a 
 Frenchman right opposite, give him a quarter, and get him to 
 sign his name, which that exile did and thought it was a 
 receipt for the money, and I laughed heartily. But it is no 
 laughing matter. 
 
 Having taken leave of all on board the dear old North- 
 erner^ and shaken hands twice all round, during which process 
 the mate sang out, " Bare a hand there," and I mechanically 
 took off my glove, McAuburn and I were transported to the 
 shore, where, while waiting for a wagon to take us to the old 
 town of San Diego, we stopped at the little public house of 
 the Playa, kept by a civil fellow named Donahoo, whom the 
 Spaniards here, judging from his name {DonH know who)j 
 believe to be the son of old " Quien sahe " himself. What 
 befell us there and thereafter I will shortly inform you. 
 
PHffiOTX m SA:N DIEGO 
 
 The Bay of San Diego is shaped like s. boot, tlie leg 
 forming the entrance from the sea, and the toe extending 
 some twelve miles inland at right angles to it, as a matter of 
 course, points southward to the latter er.d of Mexico, from 
 •which it is distant at present, precisely three miles ! 
 
 The three villages then, which go to make up the great 
 city of San Diego, are the " Playa," " Old Town," and " New 
 Town," or " Davis's Folly." At the " Playa " there are but 
 few buildings at present, and these sot remarkable for size or 
 architectural beauty of design. A long^ low, one-storied 
 tenement, near the base of the Lills, once occupied by rol- 
 licking Captain Magruder, and the officers under his com- 
 mand, is now the place where Judge Witherby, like Matthew, 
 patiently " sits at the receipt of customs." But few customers 
 appear, for with the exception of the mail steamers once a 
 fortnight, and the Goliah and Ohio, two little coasting 
 steamers that wheeze in and out once or twice a month, the 
 
202 PHCENIX IN SAN DIEGO. 
 
 calm waters of San Diego Bay remain unruffled by keel or 
 cutwater from one year's end to another. Such a thing aa 
 a foreign bottom has never made its appearance to gladden 
 the Collector's heart ; in this respect, the harbor has indeed 
 proved bottomless. Two crazy old hulks riding at anchor, 
 and the barque Clarissa Andrews (filled with coal for P. M. 
 S. S. Co.), wherein dwells Captain Bogart. like a second 
 E-obinson Crusoe, with a man Friday, who is mate, cook, 
 steward and all hands, make up the amount of shipping at 
 the "Playa." Then there is the " Ocean House" (that's 
 Donahoe's), and a store marked Gardiner & Bleeker, than 
 the inside of which nothing could be bleaker, for " there's 
 nothing in it," and an odd-looking little building on stilts out 
 in the water, where a savan named Sabot, in the employ of 
 the U. S. Engineers, makes mysterious observations on the 
 tide ; and these with three other small buildings, unoccupied, 
 a fence and a grave-yard, constitute all the ^' improvements" 
 that have been made at the " Playa." The ruins of two old 
 hide-houses, immortalized by Dana in his " Two Years before 
 the Mast," are still standing, one bearing the weather-beaten 
 name of Tasso. We examined these and got well bitten by 
 fieas for our trouble. We also examined the other great 
 curiosity of the Playa — a natural one — being a cleft in the 
 adjacent hills, some hundred feet in depth, with a smooth, 
 hard floor of white sand, and its walls of indurated clay, per- 
 forated with cavities, wherein dwell countless numbers of 
 great white owls, from which circumstance, Captain Bogart 
 calls it " Owldom.'- 
 
PUCENIX IN SAN DIEGO. 203 
 
 Through this cleft we marched into the bowels of the 
 land without impediment, for nearly half a mile, when being 
 brought to a stand still by a high, smooth wall, McAuburn 
 did proceed to carve thereon a name. But as he laid out his 
 work on too extensive a scale, the letters being about three 
 feet in length — though he worked with amazing energy — ^he 
 got no farther than this — JO, when his knife broke and the 
 inscription remained incomplete. Whether, therefore, it was 
 intended to perpetuate to posterity the memory of the great 
 Joseph Bowers, or one of his girls, we may never know, as 
 Mac showed no disposition to be communicative, and indeed 
 requested me to " dry up," when I questioned him on the 
 subject. From present appearances, one would be little dis- 
 posed to imagine that the " Play a " in five or six years might 
 become a city of the size of Louisville, with brick buildings, 
 paved streets, gas lights, theatres, gambling houses, and so 
 forth. It is not at all improbable, however, should the great 
 Pacific Railroad terminate at San Diego, an event within the 
 range of probability, the " Playa " must be the depot, and as 
 such will become a point of great importance. The land- 
 holders about here are well aware of this fact, and conse- 
 quently affix already incredible prices to very unprepossessing 
 pieces of land. Lots of one hundred and fifty feet front, not 
 situated in particularly eligible places either, have been sold 
 within the last few weeks for five hundred dollars apiece. 
 " De gustihus,^^ &c. At present I confess I should prefer 
 the money to the real estate. While at the Playa, I had the 
 pleasure of forming an acquaintance with the Pilot, Captain 
 
204 PHCENIX m SAN DIEGO. 
 
 Wm. G-. Oliver, as noble a specimen of a sailor as you would 
 wish to see. He was a lieutenant in the Texas navy, under 
 the celebrated Moore, and told me many yarns concerning 
 that gallant commander. Great injustice, I think, has been 
 done in not giving to these officers the rank to which they are 
 entitled in our service. Captain Oliver would do honor to 
 any navy in the world, for beside being a thorough seaman 
 he is an accomplished and agreeable gentleman. Leaving the 
 Playa in a wagon drawn by two wild mules, driven at the top 
 of their speed, by the intrepid Donaho, Mac and I were 
 whirled over a hard road, smooth and even as a ball-room 
 floor, on our way to " Old Town." Five miles from the 
 "Playa" we passed the estate of the Hon. John Hays, 
 County Judge of San Diego, an old Texian, and a most 
 amiable gentleman. The judge has a fine farm of eighty or 
 one hundred acres, under high cultivation, and what few gen- 
 tlemen in California can boast of — a private fish pond ! He 
 has enclosed some twenty acres of the flats near his residence, 
 having a small outlet, with a net attached, from which he 
 daily makes a haul almost equalling the miraculous draught 
 on the Lake Gennesaret. 
 
 The old town of San Diego is pleasantly situated on the 
 left bank of the little river that bears its name. It contains, 
 perhaps, a hundred houses, some of wood, but mostly of the 
 "Adoban" or "Gresan" order of architecture. A small 
 Plaza forms the centre of the town, one side of which is occu- 
 pied by a little adobe building used as a court room, the 
 " Colorado House," a wooden structure, whereof the second 
 
PHCENIX IN SAN DIEGO. 205 
 
 Btory is occupied by tlie San Diego Herald, as a vast sign 
 bearing tliat legend informed us, and the Exchange, a iios- 
 telry, at which we stopped. This establishment is kept by 
 Hoof (familiarly known as Johnny, but whom I once chris- 
 tened Cloven), and Tibbetts, who is also called Two litis, in 
 honorable distinction from an unworthy partner he once had, 
 who obtained unenviable notoriety as ^^ Picayune Smith.'' 
 On entering, we found ourselves in a large bar and billiard 
 room fitted up with customary pictures and mirrors. Here 
 I saw Lieut. Derby, of the Topograpical Engineers, an elderly 
 gentleman of emaciated appearance, and serious cast of 
 features. Constant study and unremitting attention to his 
 laborious duties have reduced him almost to a skeleton, but 
 there are not wanting those who say that an unrequited 
 attachment in his earlier days, is the cause of his care-worn 
 appearance. 
 
 He was sent out from Washington some months since, "to 
 dam the San Diego River," and he informed me with a deep 
 sigh and melancholy smile, that he had done it (mentally) 
 several times since his arrival. Here, also, I made the ac- 
 quaintance of Squire Moon, a jovial, middle-aged gentleman 
 from the State of G-eorgia, who replied to my inquiries con- 
 cerning his health, that he was " as fine as silk, but not half 
 so well beliked by the ladies." After partaking of supper, 
 which meal was served up in the rear of the billiard room, 
 alfresco, from a clothless table, upon an earthen floor, I fell 
 in conversation with Judge Ames, the talented, good-hearted 
 but eccentric editor of the San Diego Herald, of whom the 
 
200 PHCENIX IN SAN DIEGO. 
 
 poet Andrews, in Lis immortal work, " The Cocopa Maid," 
 once profanely sang as follows : 
 
 ' Tliere was a man whose name was Ames, 
 His aims were aims of mystery; 
 His story odd, I think by ■ 
 "Would make a famous history." 
 
 I found "the Judge" exceedingly agreeable, urbane and 
 well informed, and obtained from him much valuable informa- 
 tion regarding San Diego and its statistics. San Diego con- 
 tains at present about seven hundred inhabitants, two-thirds 
 of whom are " native and to the manor born," the remainder, 
 a mixture of American, English, German, Hebrew and Pike 
 County. There are seven stores or shops in the village, where 
 any thing may bo obtained from a fine-tooth comb to a horse 
 rake, two public houses, a Catholic church which meets in 
 a private residence, and a Protestant ditto, to which the Rev. 
 Dr. Reynolds, chaplain of the military post six miles distant, 
 communicates religious intelligence every Sunday afternoon. 
 
 San Diego is the residence of Don Juan Bandini, whose 
 mansion fronts on one side of the Plaza. He is well known 
 to the early settlers of California as a gentleman of distin 
 guished politeness and hospitality. His wife and daughters 
 are among the most beautiful and accomplished ladies of our 
 State. One of the latter is married to Mr. Stearns, a very 
 wealthy and distinguished resident of Los Angelos, another 
 to Col. Couts, late a Lieutenant in the first regiment of U. 
 S. dragoons, and another to Mr. Charles Johnson, who for a 
 
PUCENIX IN SAN DIEGO. 207 
 
 long time was the agent of tlie P. M. S. S. Company at this 
 place. The whole family is highly connected and universally 
 respected. 
 
 Having smoked the pipe of contemplation, and played a 
 game of billiards with a young gentleman who remarked, 
 " he could give me fifty and beat me," which he certainly did, 
 with a celerity that led me to conclude " he couldn't do any 
 thing else," I retired for the night, but not to sleep, as I 
 fondly imagined. Fleas ? rather ! I say nothing at present ; 
 my feelings of indignation against those wretched insects are 
 too deep for utterance. On another occasion, when in a milder 
 mood, I intend to write a letter concerning and condemnatory 
 of them, and publish it. Yes, by Heaven, if I have to pay 
 for it as an advertisement ! 
 
 The next morning, bright and early, I parted with my 
 young military friend McAuburn, who was about to join his 
 company at the Gila Biver. '' Grood bye. Phoenix," says he, 
 " Grod bless you, old fellow ! And look here, if you go to 
 San Francisco, tell her — no, by G-eorge ! you always make 
 fun of every thing. Good bye." So he wrung my hand and 
 galloped away, and I stood looking after him till his prancing 
 horse and graceful figure were hid by the projecting hills of 
 the old Presidio. " Blessings go with you my boy ! " said I, 
 " for a fine, honest, noble-hearted young chap, you haven't 
 many superiors in the U. S. Army ; and happy, in my opinion, 
 is the woman who gets you."^ 
 
 How I went to a Baile^ and visited " New Town," and 
 rode forth to the Mission, and attended a Fiesta^ and the ex- 
 
208 PHCENIX IN SAN DIEGO. 
 
 traordinary adventures that befell me there, shall form the 
 subject of a future epistle ; at present my time is too much 
 occupied, for lo, I am an editor ! Hasn't Ames gone to San 
 Francisco (with this very letter in his pocket), leaving a notice 
 in his last edition, " that during his absence an able literary 
 friend will assume his position as editor of the Herald," and 
 am I not that able literary friend ? (Heaven save the mark.) 
 " You'd better believe it." I've been writins^ a " leader " and 
 "unny anecdotes all day (which will account for the dryness 
 of this production), and sucli a " leader," and such anecdotes. 
 I'll send you the paper next week, and if you don't allow that 
 there's been no such publication, weekly or serial, since the 
 days of the " Bunkum Flagstaff," I'll craw fish ^ and take to 
 reading Johnson's Dictionary. Fraternally — ahem ! 
 
 Yours. 
 
CAMP EEMINISCENCES. 
 
 Pi!r.,HAPS, you will not object to a few short military 
 yarns which I have hastily twined for your edification. And 
 if the interesting, fair-haired, blue-eyed (or otherwise) son 
 of the reader, now sitting on his knee, on hearing them, 
 should look confidingly into his parent's face, and inquire — 
 " Is that true. Papa ? " reply, oh reader, unhesitatingly — 
 " My son, it is." 
 
 Many years since, during the height of the Florida war, a 
 company of the Second Infantry made their camp for the 
 night, after a rainy day's march, by the bank of a muddy 
 stream that sluggishly meandered through a dense and un- 
 wholesome everglade. Dennis Mulligan, the red-haired Irish 
 servant of the commanding officer, having seen his master's 
 tent comfortably pitched, lit a small fire beneath a huge 
 palmetto, and having cut several slices of fat pork from the 
 daily ration, proceeded to fry that edible for the nightly 
 repast. 
 
210 CAMP REMINISCENCI^S. 
 
 In the deep gloom of tlio evening, silence reigned un* 
 broken but by the crackling of Dennis's small fire and the 
 frizzling of the pork as it crisped and curled in the mighty 
 mess-pan, when suddenly, with a tremendous " whoosh," the 
 leaves of the palmetto were disturbed and a great barred 
 owl, five feet from tip to tip, settled in the foliage. Dennis 
 was superstitious, most Irishmen are, and startled by the 
 disturbance, he suspended for an instant his culinary opera- 
 tions, and frying-pan in hand, gazed slowly and fearfully 
 about him. Persuading himself that the noise was but the 
 effect of imagination, he again addressed himself to his task, 
 when the owl set up his fearful hoot, which sounded to the 
 horrified ears of Dennis, like, " Who — cooTcsr—for you — all ? 
 Again he suspended operations, again gazed fearfully forth into 
 the night, again persuaded himself that his imagination was at 
 fault, and was about to return to his task, when accidentally 
 glancing upward he beheld the awful countenance and glaring 
 eyes of the owl turned downward upon him, and from that 
 cavernous throat in hollow tones, again issued the question, 
 " Who — ivho — coohs—for you — all ? " " God bless your 
 honor," said poor Dennis, while the mess-pan shook in his 
 quivering grasp, and the unheeded pork poured forth a molten 
 stream, which, falling upon the flames, caused a burst of illu- 
 mination that added to the terrors of the scene, '' God bless 
 your honor,/ cooks for Captain Eaton, but I don't know sir, 
 who cooks for the rest of the gintlemen." A burst of fiendish 
 laughter followed — from those who had witnessed the in- 
 
CAMP REMINISCENCES. 211 
 
 cident unseen, and " Dennis's Devil " became a favorite 
 yarn in tlie Second Infantry from tliat time forth. 
 
 In New Mexico, at some time during the last two years, 
 Capt. A. B. of the First Dragoons, commanding Company, 
 had been stationed abont forty miles from a small post 
 commanded by Lieut. 0. B. of the Infantry. One day 
 Capt. B. concluded to ride over and give his neighbor a 
 call ; so throwing himself athwart a noble horse, he started, 
 and after a hard gallop — forty miles is a respectable ride 
 you know — ^he arrived at O. B.'s tent just as the drummer 
 was performing that popular air, " Oh, the roast beef of Old 
 England." 
 
 Keining in his horse and shaking hands with 0. B., who 
 came forth to greet him, " on hospitable thought intent," he 
 said, " Well, Lawrence, been to dinner ? " " No, I haven't," 
 was the reply, " just going, come in, come in ; " " Devilish 
 glad of it," said Capt. B. dismounting, " never was so hungry 
 •in all my life." " Well, come in," said 0. B., and they went in 
 accordingly, and took seats at a small uncovered pine table, on 
 which a servant shortly placed a large tin pan full of boiled 
 rice, and a broken bottle half full of mustard. The Captain 
 looked despairingly around — there was nothing else. " Abe/' 
 said 0. B., as he drew the tin pan towards him, " are you 
 fond of boiled rice?" "Well, no," said Abe, somewhat 
 hesitatingly, "I can't say that I am — very — Lawrence." 
 " Ah," replied Lawrence, coolly, " ivell Just help yourself to 
 the mustard ! '''^ "He was from South Carolina," said B., 
 
212 CALIP EEfflNISCENCES. 
 
 wlien he told tliis story, " and tliey eat rice down thero 
 some- what." 
 
 For the following, Lieut. W. of the Engineers is re- 
 sponsible. He told it to me in 1852, at the Cafe of I)o- 
 minico, in Havana. 
 
 Old Col. Tom S. of the Infantry, a very large, burly, red- 
 faced gentleman, with a snow-white head and a voice like a 
 bass trombone, has an unfortunate habit of thinking out loud. 
 "While stationed temporarily an Washington, the old gentle- 
 man one Sunday morning, took it into his head to go to 
 church, where he took a seat in a pew beneath the pulpit, 
 and, prayer-book in hand, attentively followed the clergyman 
 through the service. It happened to be the 17th day of the 
 month ; but in giving out the Psalms for the day, the Rev. 
 Mr. P. made a mistake and announced — " The 16th day of 
 the month, morning prayer, beginning at the 79th Psalm." 
 When to the astonishment of the congregation. Old Col. Tom 
 in the pew below, in a deep bass voice thought aloud — " The 
 11th day of the months hy Jwpiter / " The clergyman im- 
 mediately corrected himself — ''Ah! the 17th day of the 
 month, morning prayer, beginning at the 8Gth Psalm." 
 When the propriety of the assembly was immediately dis- 
 turbed by another thought from Old Tom, who in the same 
 deep tone remarked, " Had him there! " He had, certainly, 
 and the congregation also. 
 
 Two years ago, when the gallant Col. Magruder, of con- 
 vivial memory, commanded the U. S. forces at the Mission 
 of San Diego, it entered into that officer's head to execute a 
 
CAMP REMINISCENCES. 213 
 
 serenade for the behoof of certain fair ladies then honoring 
 New Town with their presence. Accordingly all the officers 
 of the mess who could sing, play, or beat time, were pressed 
 into the service, and one night about 12 o'clock, a jolly crowd 
 loft the Mission for New Town, in a large wagon plentifully 
 furnished with guitars, flutes, and other arangements of a 
 musical nature. Among the rest, a jovial young surgeon, 
 attached to the command, had installed himself on the back 
 seat, with liis instrument ; which happened on this occasion 
 to be a bottle of whiskey, and on which he played during the 
 ride with such effect as to have raised his spirits on the ar- 
 rival at New Town, considerably above the fifth ledger line. 
 You may remember a Bowery song, rather popular in those 
 days, the chorus of which ran— 
 
 " Oil my name is Jake Keyser, I was born in Spring Garden, 
 To make me a preacher, my father did try ; 
 But it's no use a blowing, for I am a hard one, 
 And I am bound to be a butcher, by Heavens, or die." 
 
 This unfortunate song had somehow or other occurred to 
 the Doctor, he couldn't get rid of it, he couldn't help siiiging 
 it ; and accordingly when the whole party were duly ranged 
 beneath the window and with flutes and voices upraised, were 
 solemnly bleating forth 
 
 "Oft in the stilly night," 
 the entertainments were disagreeably varied ; for far louder 
 
214 CAMP REMINISCENCES. 
 
 than tlie " stilly night," rang the wild medical chant, only 
 varied hy an occasional hie, 
 
 *' Oh my name is Jake Kejser," &c. 
 
 This was not to be borne ; so turning fiercely on the de~ 
 linqnent Esculapius, Col. Magruder commanded him to 
 desist from the interruption, and to " thenceforth hold hia 
 peace." 
 
 With admirable strategy the Doctor backed up against 
 an adjacent fence, where he could deliver himself safely and 
 to advantage, and with most intense dignity replied — " Col. 
 Magrudger, I'm rofficer of the arry, when I'm ath' Mission, 
 I'm under your orrers ; consider se'f so — and — obey'im; Butj 
 when I'm down here sir ! serrerading — " Ohj Fm hound to 
 he a hutcher, hy Heavens^ or die ! whoop ! " and after per- 
 forming an extempore dance, of a frantic description, during 
 which he fell to the earth, the Doctor was borne by main 
 force to the wagon, where he slept at intervals during the re- 
 mainder of the serenade, occasionally v^aking as some flourish 
 of extra shrillness or power occurred, to mutter incoherently, 
 that his " name was Jake Keyser." 
 
 My last sheet of paper is exhausted, so I presume is 
 your patience. I have glanced hastily over my work to see 
 if there is any thing that Miss Pecksniff may object to ; I 
 see nothing. A little blank swearing, to be sure, but I 
 grieve to say that it is difficult to relate stories without, for 
 since the days of Uncle Toby and the Flanders campaign 
 
CAMP REMINISCENCES. 21b 1 
 
 there is no question but what the army have sworn terribly ' < 
 
 but I really believe that " they don't mean any thing by it, i 
 
 it's just a way they've got," which is a remark made by an ' 
 
 affectionate father, when told that his seven children had all i 
 
 been seized with the measles in one night. — Adieu. ' 
 
 " When other lips and other hearts," &c. I 
 
 Yours respectively. 
 
JONN PHCEOTX TO THE PIONEER. 
 
 San Diego, Cal., April 20tli, 1S54. 
 
 On receiving my long-promised file of The Pioneer, accom- 
 panied by your affecting entreaty to " Come over into Mace- 
 donia and lielp us," deeply impressed with tlie importance of 
 tlie crisis, I rushed about this village as wildly as a fowl de- 
 capitated, but with purpose more intent. 
 
 Hastily collecting our Improvisatori, including "the 
 Squire," " his Reverence," and the funny " Scheherazade," 
 I besought them in the name of humanity, and by the mem- 
 ory of Miller, to tell me quickly their choicest anecdotes, 
 their raciest puns, and newest conundrums, that I might 
 collate them for your benefit, and San Diego assume its prop- 
 er literary position at (not under) your editorial table. My 
 success was encouraging, and I herewith present you a choice 
 selection of the anecdote^ accumulated, which have at least the 
 merit claimed by the late Ben Jonson for an original piece of 
 blank verse ; for " Poetry or not poetry, they're true by 
 
JOHN PH(ENIX TO THE TIONEEH. 217 
 
 Heavens." In the course of my researches, I collected many 
 quite new and particularly shocking sayings of blasphemous 
 little children ; but I shall not tell you these, for with all due 
 deference to the taste of those who have rendered this style 
 of literature fashionable of late, I cannot refrain from ex- 
 pressing the opinion that the subject has been rather " insert- 
 ed in the earth ; " and if that wicked old Clark, of the 
 Knicherhocher^ don't roast hereafter for starting it, we're go- 
 ing to have a much easier time in the next world than my 
 knowledge of the Scriptures gives reason to believe. " De 
 gustibus non est disputandum," as the old lady remarked 
 with an affectionate simper, when she kissed her cow. Here 
 are the stories — mira. 
 
 In 1849, " Jacks & Yfoodruff " kept on Clay street, just 
 above Kearney, one of the largest jewelry establishments in 
 San Francisco. Jacks (who, by the way, is one of the fun- 
 niest men that ever lived), being well-known and universally 
 popular, in order to let new arrivals among his home ac- 
 quaintances know that he was round, had his name, Pulaski 
 Jacks, painted in big capitals on a sheet of tin, and nailed 
 up beside the door. One day a tall, yellow-haired, sun-burned 
 Pike, in the butternut-colored hat, coat and so forths " of 
 the period," entered and accosted Woodruff, who was behind 
 the counter, with, " Say, stranger, I want to take a look of 
 them newrfangled things of yourn." " What things, sir ? " 
 « Why them PulasU Jacks ! " " Why that," said Woodruff, 
 laughing, " is my partner's name. Jacks & Woodruff; name's 
 Pulaski—Pulaski Jacks— see ? " " No ! " said Pike, '' is it ! " 
 10 
 
218 JOHN PHOSNIX TO THE PIONEER. 
 
 "Well, looks like ; darned if I knbwed it thougli ; I swar I 
 didn't know as they was hoot-jachs ot jack-asses ; ho ! ho ! " 
 And taking another good long look at the object of his curios- 
 ity, he travelled. Jacks took that tin thing down. — Sug- 
 gestive, this is, of a story told us not long since hy Maj. E. 
 of the army, which we are not aware ever appeared before in 
 print ; " least- ways," we never saw it. A solemn-looking fel- 
 low, with a certain air of dry humor about the corners of his 
 rather sanctimonious mouth, stepped quietly one day, into 
 the tailoring establishment of " Call & Tuttle," Boston, Mass., 
 and quietly remarked to the clerk in attendance, " I want to 
 tuttley " "What do you mean, sir ? " inquired the astonished 
 official. " Well," rejoined he, " I want to tuttle — noticed your 
 invitation over the door, so I colled, and now I should like to 
 tuttle ! " He was ordered to leave the establishment, which he 
 did, with a look of angry wonder, grumbling, soUo voce, that it 
 seemed devilish hard he couldn't be allowed to tuttle after an 
 express invitation. — And this again reminds us of a facetious 
 performance of the late J. P. Squibob, who, " once on a time," 
 while walking down Pennsylvania Avenue, was sorely mysti- 
 fied by a modest little sign, standing in the window of a neat 
 little shop on the left-hand side as you go down. The sign 
 bore, ingayly painted letters, the legend, " Washington Ladies' 
 Depository." Flattening his nose against the window, Squi- 
 bob descried two ladies, whom he describes as of exceeding 
 beauty, neatly dressed and busily engaged in sewing, behind 
 a little counter. The fore-ground was filled with lace caps, 
 babies' stockings, compresses for the waist, capes, collars and 
 
JOHN PHCENIX TO THE PIONEER. 219 
 
 other articles of still life. Hat in hand. Squibob reverently 
 entered, and with intense politeness, addressed one of the 
 ladies as follows : " Madam, I perceive by your sign that this 
 is the depository for Washington ladies ; I am going to the 
 North for a few days, and should be pleased to leave my 
 wife in your charge — But I don't know, if by your rules you 
 could receive her, as she is a Baltimore woman ! " " One of 
 the ladies," says Squibob, " a pretty little girl in a blue dress 
 sewing on a thing that looked like a pillow-case with arm- 
 holes, turned very red, and holding down her head, made the 
 remark ' te he ! ' But the elder of the twain, after making 
 as if she would laugh, but by a strong-minded effort holding 
 in, replied, ' Sir, you have made a mistake ; this is the place 
 where the society of Y/ashington ladies deposit their work, 
 to be sold for the benefit of the distressed natives of the 
 Island of Fernando de Noronha,' or words to that effect." 
 Gravely did the wicked Squibob bow, all solemnly begged 
 her pardon, and putting on his hat, walked off, followed by a 
 sound from that depository, as of an autumnal brook, gurgling 
 and babbling gayly over its pebbly bed in a New England 
 forest. 
 
 My stock is my no means exhausted, but " Demasiado de 
 una cosa huena es demasiado ^''^ as Don Juan remarked when 
 he took twenty-four Brandreth's pills and his wife earnestly 
 solicited him to swallow the box. Next month, Deo volente- 
 you shall hear from me again ; till then adieu. 
 
EEVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. 
 
 PREPAHED BY JOHj^ PHCENIX. 
 
 Life and Times of Joseph JDoivers the Elder. Collated from 
 Unpuhlished Papei^s of the Late John P. Squihoh. By 
 J. Bowers, Jr. Vallecitos : Hyde & Seekim, 1854. 
 
 Many of your readers will doubtless remember to have been 
 occasionally mystified, wlien, struck by tlie remarkable beauty 
 of some passing female stranger, or by the fiashes of wit 
 sparkling from tlie lips of some gentlemanly unknown, on 
 making tke inquiry, " "Who is tbat ? ' tlie reply has been given, 
 ' Oh that is one of old Joe Bowers' girls/' or boys, as the 
 case may have been ; and they will also remember that when 
 about to propound the naturally succeeding question, " Who 
 is Old Joe Bowers ? " they have been deterred from so doing, 
 by a peculiar smile, and an indefinable glance of the eye, ap- 
 proximating to what is vulgarly termed a wink, on the part 
 of their informant. 
 
REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. 22 i 
 
 Sucli persons, and indeed all who seek to improve their 
 minds by indulging a wholesome curiosity as to the private 
 history of the good and great of earth, will be glad to hear 
 that this question of " Who is Joseph Bowers ? " is about to 
 be definitely answered. 
 
 Through the kindness of Messrs. Hyde and Seekim of Val- 
 lecitos, we have been permitted to glance over the proof-sheets 
 of their forthcoming work, the title of which is given above, 
 and to make therefrom such selections as we may deem suf- 
 ficient to interest the public in promoting the filial design of 
 the younger Bowers, to transmit the name and virtues of his 
 honored sire to posterity. 
 
 Joseph Bowers the elder (or as he is familiarly known, 
 " Old Joe Bowers "), we learn from this history, was born 
 in Ypsilanti, Washtenaw county, Michigan, on the first day 
 of April, 1776, of " poor but honest parents." His father, 
 during the troubles of the revolutionary struggle, was en- 
 gaged in business as a malefactor in western New York, from 
 which part :f. the country he was compelled to emigrate, by 
 the prejudio3S and annoyances of the bigoted settlers among 
 whom he had for many years conducted his operations. Emi- 
 grating suddenly, in fact " with such precipitation," says the 
 narrator, " that my grandfather took nothing with him of his 
 large property, but a single shirt, which he happened to have 
 about him at the time he formed his resolution," he found 
 himself after a journey of several days, of vicissitude and suf- 
 fering, upon the summit of a hill overlooking a beautiful val- 
 ley in the fertile State of Michigan. Struck by the beauty 
 
222 REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. 
 
 of the surrounding scenery, lie leaped from the ground in his 
 enthusiasm, and cracking his heels twice together while in 
 the air (" by which " says the narrator, with much nalveU, 
 " my grandfather didn't mean anything, it was just a way 
 he'd got "), he uttered the stirring cry of " Yip ! — silanti ! " 
 from which memorable circumstance the place thereafter took 
 its name. Here he finally settled, and marrying afterward a 
 young lady whom the author somewhat obscurely speaks of 
 as " one of 'em," had issue, the subject of this narrative, and 
 finally ended his career of usefulness, by falling from a cart 
 in which he had been standing, addressing a numerous audi- 
 ence, and in which fall he unfortunately broke his neck. 
 
 Our limits will not permit us at present to do more than 
 glance hastily over the stirring incidents in the life of the 
 elder Bowers. He appears to have been connected in some 
 way with almost every prominent event of the times in which 
 he lived. Yf e find him a servant and afterwards a confiden- 
 tial friend and adviser of Gren. Cass ; consulted on matters 
 of religion by Gen. Jackson ; an admirer of ona of Col. Dick 
 Johnson's daughters (by the way it was Bowers who slew 
 Tecumseh !), an ardent admirer and intimate friend of Mr. 
 Tyler; Gen. Pillow's military adviser; special messenger 
 from Mr. Polk to Santa Anna ; professional adviser of Mr. 
 Corwin in the matter of the Gardner Claim ; the first to 
 nominate Mr. Pierce for the Presidency, and after his arri- 
 val in California, the agent of Limantour ; friend and Secre- 
 tary of Pio Pico ; adviser of "Walker ; amanuensis for Peck ; 
 owner of a great part of the extended Water Front of San 
 
REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. 22o 
 
 Francisco, and a partner in a celebrated Candy Manufactory 
 on Long Wliarf, with a Branch in "Washington street. His 
 literary labors and success have been great ; few of your 
 readers but have seen his signature (Anon.) in Newspapers, 
 Magazines, the New Eeader and^ First Class Eooks ; he has 
 edited several of our City papers, and we add it in a whis- 
 per, is 
 
 The anthor of Idealina. 
 
 We may hereafter revert to these incidents in his event- 
 ful life ; at present, as we before remarked, our limits forbid 
 our enlarging upon them, as we wish to make room for a few 
 extracts from the work, which, exhibiting the gToat man's 
 manner of thought and expression, will do more toward giv- 
 ing our readers an insight into his character, than would 
 pages of his biography, — ^we quote from p. 45, vol. 1 : 
 
 " My father had been much annoyed by reading certain let- 
 ters from New York to the Alta California^ signed ' W.' The 
 plagiarisms and egotistic remarks of which they were made up 
 disgusted him. They remind me, he said — expectorating upon the 
 carpet, a habit he had when much offended — of the back of a 
 lady's dress ; they are all hooks and I's. I ventured to ask him, 
 why he did not reply to them ? Sir, said he, making a beautiful 
 adaptation that I have never heard equalled, ' Where impudence 
 is loit^ Hisfolhj to reply .'"' 
 
 Comment' is unnecessary; let us proceed, p. 47, vol. 1. 
 
 " On arriving at Nevada, we unsaddled and turned out our 
 horses, and taking our saddles and blankets beneath onr arms, re- 
 
224 REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS: 
 
 paired to the Inn. My father was exceedingly fatigued by tlia 
 journey, and hastened to throw himself into the first chair that 
 offered. As he did so, I thoughtlessly drew the chair from under 
 him, and much to my sorrow and chagrin he fell with great vio- 
 lence upon the floor. The shock Avith which he came down dis- 
 composed him not a little, and a paper of pump tacks which had 
 fallen from the table and scattered over the floor exactly where 
 lie was seated, materially increased his uneasiness. 
 
 " I shall not soon forget his indignant reproof. ' Joseph, my 
 sou,' said he, ' never, never again attempt a practical joke ; it is 
 a false, unfeeling, traitorous amusement. Remember, sir,' said 
 he, as he painfully rose, and reached to the table for a small claw 
 hammer to di-aw the tacks, ' remember the fate of the first prac- 
 tical joker and profit thereby;' I ventured humbly to ask him 
 who this was ; ' Judas Iscariot,' he replied with bitterness, ' he 
 sold his master, and you know well what came of it.' I was 
 overpowered with remorse." 
 
 This is very afi'ecting. On p. 49, we find the following : 
 
 '•'• We were much disturbed during the night by the hoarse 
 braying of a donkey in the stable-yard. I remarked to my father 
 that he (the donkey) was suffering with a bronchial complaint ; 
 and on his inquiring why, replied, that he had an ass-ma^ subse- 
 quently explaining the intended play upon the word asthma. 
 Upon comprehending with some difiiculty my meaning, my father 
 immediately rose, and taking his blanket, in indignant silence 
 left the room and the house, passing the night, as I afterwards 
 learned, in angry meditation beneath a tree in the Plaza." 
 
 Very properly we think. The following is rather amusing, 
 p. 108, vol 1: 
 
 " After his second interview with Senator Peck, I endeavored 
 to learn from my father the result of his proposal. ' Peck talks 
 
REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. 225 
 
 a great deal,' said he, ' but it is very difficult to tell Avliat he ig 
 going to do ; or to what side he belongs. In fact I begin to be- 
 lieve he is all tallc and no cider!'' " 
 
 Precisely the opinion expressed by a number of others. 
 Turning back to page 82, vol. 1 , we find the following : 
 
 " I turned to ray father and asked him why it was that women 
 were so frequently robbed by pick-pockets, in public carriages ; 
 'they must,' I observed, 'be conscious that the rogues are feeling 
 about them.' 'Yes,' he replied, 'but ' a fellow feeling makes 
 them wondrous kind.' ' I was struck by the force of this re- 
 mark.^' 
 
 Probably. Thus much for young Joe. On taking up the 
 second volume, we find it mainly filled with incidents in the 
 life of the elder Bowers, from the pen of the lamented J. P. 
 Squibob, who, it appears, during his life, contemplated getting 
 up, himself, the work which young Bowers has completed. 
 We make a few extracts in which the style of the lamented 
 S will be readily recognized. 
 
 "'IN'o man,' said Bowers, sentontiously, 'should indulge in 
 more than one bad habit at a time. If I am a drunkard, it is no 
 reason why I should ruin my character by gambling or licentious- 
 ness ; or, if I love the ladies inordinately,' and here the old fel- 
 low looked indescribably waggish, 'why should I add to the 
 enormity by indulging also in cards and liquor ? Ko,' added he, 
 ' one bad habit is enough for any man to indulge in.' " 
 
 " ' And why, Mr. Bowers,' said Jones, ' have you given up 
 smoking ? ' 
 
 " ' Because I clieim^ replied the old fellow, with a quiet 
 chuckle, ' and therein I carry out my principle." 
 10* 
 
226 REVIEW OP NEW BOOKS. 
 
 "Jones pondered a minute, but lie couldn't ' see it,' and shak- 
 ing Ms head musingly, he slowly dispersed." — p. 19. 
 
 Mr. Bowers mentioned to me as deserving the commisera- 
 tion of the charitable and benevolent^ the distressing case of 
 a journeyman shoemaker ivho had lost Ms little awl. — ^p. 31, 
 vol. 2. 
 
 The following smacks, to us, slightly of " Jeems :" 
 
 " It was on a lovely morning in the sweet spring time, when 
 ^ two horsemen might have been seen ' slowly descending one of 
 the gentle acclivities that environ the picturesque village of San 
 Diego. It was a bright and a sunny day, and the shrubbery and 
 trees around were alive with the harmonious warbling of the 
 feathered songsters of the grove. ' And oh ! ' sighed the younger 
 of the twain, ' would that my existence might be like that of 
 these fair birds — one constant, unwearying dream of love.' 
 ' Aye,' responded the elder, a man of years and of experience, 
 known to the readers of this history as Joseph Bowers the elder, 
 ' Aye, my brave youth, they are indeed a happy race, and the 
 spring is to them their happiest season, for they are now engaged 
 in pairing.' 
 
 '"And where, my father,' inquired the curious youth, 'do 
 they go to pair ? ' 
 
 . " ' ZT^? into the 2^ear-trees^ 'probably^ rejoined old Joe, with a 
 quaint smile. 
 
 " The son, with the air of one who has acquired a curious and 
 useful piece of information, rode quietly on, and the silence that 
 ensued was unbroken, but by his asking his parent for the 
 tobacco, until they arrived at the village." — ^p. 4-7. 
 
 Young Bowers was reading to the author of his existence, 
 some passages from Lickspittle's life of General Pierce, of 
 whom (the general, not the author) old Joe is a great admirer. 
 
REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. 227 
 
 On arriving at that affecting anecdote of the liberality of the 
 General in bestowing a cent upon a forlorn boy to enable him 
 to purchase candy like his playmates, Bowers commanded his 
 offspring to pause. Young Joe reverently obeyed. 
 
 " 'The General,' said Joseph dogmatically, ' should never have 
 mentioned that circumstance, never." 
 
 " ' And why, my father ? ' asked his son. 
 
 " ' Because,' replied the philosopher, ' Silence gives a cent, or 
 I've read my Bible to very little purpose.' 
 • " And acknowledging the application of Scripture by a con- 
 curring nod, young Joe resumed his literary labors, and his father 
 the pipe, which he had withdrawn for the enunciation of his 
 sentiments."— p. 81, vol. 2. 
 
 With the following exc^uisite morgeau from the pen of old 
 Joe Bowers himself, it being the commencement of a tale, 
 which concludes the book, we must conclude our extracts. 
 
 The tale is entitled " The Bun Filly of Arkansas, or 
 Thereby Hangs a Tail." 
 
 " Many a long year ago, when the ' Child's Own Book' was 
 all true— when fairies peopled every moonlit glen, and animals 
 enjoyed the power of conversation, in a sequestered dell, beneath 
 the shadow of a mighty oak, upon a carpet of the springiest and 
 most verdant moss, disported a noble horse of Arabian blood, 
 and his snow-whit3 bride,' The Lily of the Prairie.' 
 
 " ' And oh ! my noble lover,' said the Lily, as in playful ten- 
 derness she seized and shook between her teeth, a lock of his coal- 
 black mane, ' may I indeed believe thy vows ? Hast thou forgot- 
 ten for aye, the dun filly of Arkansas? And wilt thou ever, ever 
 be faithless to me again ?' 
 
 " ' Nay, dearest,' he replied. 
 
 " And she neigliedP 
 
228 REVIEW OF NEW BOOKS. 
 
 From these extracts, the reader will get an idea of tli€ 
 nature of the forthcoming work, which we trust will find a 
 place on their centre-tables, in their libraries and reading- 
 rooms. We subjoin a few notices from the southern press, 
 handed us by Mr. Bowers { the marks in the margin of each 
 having been made with a pencil, probably by himself : 
 
 " The most elegant book of the season — with greater attrac- 
 tions for the eye of taste and the enlightened mind than any 
 other." — Yallecitos Sentinel. $1,25, ^xZ. 
 
 " These volumes will have a permanent and increasing value, 
 and will adorn the libraries and centre-tables of American fami- 
 lies as long as American literature continues to be read." — San 
 Isabel YaqiLero. $3 pel. for two insertions^ and another notice for 
 two bottles of loliisTcey.'''' — J. B. 
 
 " This superb and elegant affair is tlie book of the season un- 
 questionably. — Penasquitas P tear on. 4s. two drlnJcs^ and invited 
 1dm to dinner.^'' — J. B. ' 
 
 " The tj'pography of these volumes is all that could be de- 
 sired. Kothing superior to it has been issued from the American 
 Press, Bowers will be among American classics, what Goldsmith 
 is among those of Fatherland. It is an elegant edition of tV© 
 works of our foremost writer in the belles lettres department of 
 literature." — Soledad Filibuster. $5, drinTc^ string of fisliy and 
 lialf-inrj iclien I Mil. — J B. 
 
PHCEOTX AT BENICIA. 
 
 Besicia, Cal., lOtli June, 1S55. 
 
 I OBSEP.VED your pathetic inquiry as to my whereabouts. I'm 
 all right, sir. I have "been vegetating for two or three weeks 
 in this sweet (scented) place, enjoying myself, after a manner, 
 in " a tranquil cot, in a pleasant spot, with a distant view of 
 the changing sea." Howbeit, Benicia is not a Paradise. In- 
 deed, I am inclined to think that had Adam and Eve been 
 originally placed here, the human race would never have been 
 propagated. It is my impression that the heat, and the wind, 
 and some other little Benician accidents, would have been too 
 much for them. It would have puzzled them, moreover, to 
 disobey their instructions ; for there is no Tree of Knowledge, 
 or any other kind in Benicia ; but if they had managed this, 
 what, in the absence of fig-leaves, would they have done for 
 clothing ? Maybe tulo would have answered the purpose — 
 there's plenty of that. I remarked to my old friend, Miss 
 Wiggins, the other day, in a conversation on Benicia, its ad- 
 vantages and its drawbacks, that there was not much society 
 
230 PUCENIX AT BENICIA. 
 
 here. " Wal," replied tlie old lady, " thar's two^ tlie Metli 
 odists and Mr. Woodbridge's, but I don't belong to nnther." 
 " I don't either," said I, and the conversation terminated. 
 
 I hardly know what to write to you ; I remind myself of 
 the old Methodist Elder, way down on the French Broad, in 
 Tennessee, who was unexpectedly called upon to address a 
 Camp-Meeting. He slowly rose and ejaculated, " Brutherin," 
 — here an idea struck him — "Brutherin," gaid he, " the term 
 Brutherin arose from an old custom of the" Apostles, who 
 used to go up to the tabernacle and 'breathe therein! Hence 
 the term, Brutherin. But my brutherin," he went on, " I'm 
 not a going to take my text from any particular part of 
 the Bible to-night. I'll tell you," said he, with a pleasant 
 smile, as he warmed to his work, " I'll tell you all about 
 old brother Paul — who went down to Corinth and got into 
 an all-iired scrape — and was knocked down — and drug out — 
 and left thar for dead — all of which is written by Hellicar- 
 nassus, up the Archij)elago — ^bless-ed be the Lord ! " Now, 
 like this " ancient worthy," who by the way went on and 
 made a very effective speech of it, I'm not going to take my 
 text from any thing in particular, but I will commence this 
 rambling epistle by an anecdote of " old Brother " Tush- 
 maker, whioh I think extremely probable has never yet been 
 published. 
 
 Dr. Tushmaker was never regularly bred as a physician, 
 or surgeon, but he possessed naturally a strong mechanical 
 genius and a line appetite ; and finding his teeth of great ser- 
 vice in gratifying the latter propensity, ho concluded that he 
 
PHCENIX AT EENICIA. 23 i 
 
 could do more good in the world and create more real happi- 
 ness therein by putting the teeth of its inhabitants in gooa 
 order, than in any other way ; so Tushmaker became a den- 
 tist. He was the man that first invented the method of 
 placing small cog-wheels in the hack teeth for the more per- 
 fect mastication of food, and he claimed to be the original 
 discoverer of that method of filling cavities with a kind of 
 putty, which, becoming hard directly, causes the tooth to 
 ache so grievously that it has to be pulled, thereby giving 
 the dentist two successive fees for the same job. Tushmaker 
 was one day seated in his office, in the city of Boston, Mas- 
 sachusetts, when a stout old fellow named Byles presented him- 
 self to have a back tooth drawn. The dentist seated his 
 patient in the chair of torture, and opening his mouth, dis- 
 covered there an enormous tooth, on the right-hand side, 
 about as large, as he afterwards expressed it, " as a small 
 Polyglot Bible." I shall have trouble with this tooth, 
 thought Tushmaker, but he clapped on his heaviest forceps, 
 and pulled. It didn't come. Then he tried the turn-screw, 
 exerting his utmost strength, but the tooth wouldn't stir. 
 " Go: away from here," said Tushmaker to Byles, " and return 
 in a week, and I'll draw that tooth for you, or know the rea- 
 son why." Byles got up, clapped a handkerchief to his jaw, 
 and put forth. Then the dentist went to work, and in three 
 days he invented an instrument which he was confident would 
 pull any thing. It was a combination of the lever, pulley, 
 wheel and axle, inclined plane, wedge and screw. The cast- 
 ino-s were made, and the machine put up in the office, over an 
 
232 rH(ENIX AT BENICIA. 
 
 iron cliair, rendered perfectly stationary by iron rods going 
 down into the foundations of the granite building. In a week 
 old Byles returned ; he was clamped into the iron chair, the 
 forceps connected v»^ith the machine attached firmly to the 
 tooth, and Tushmaher stationing himself in the rear, took 
 hold of a lever four feet in length. He turned it slightly 
 Old Byles gave a groan, and lifted his right leg. Another 
 turn ; another groan, and up went the leg again. " "What do 
 you raise your leg for ? " asked the doctor. " I can't help 
 it," said the patient. " Well," rejoined Tushmaker, " that 
 tooth is bound to come now." He turned the lever clear 
 round, with a sudden jerk, and snapped old Byles' head clean 
 and clear from his shoulders, leaving a space of four inches 
 between the severed parts ! They had a ;post mortem exam- 
 ination — the roots of the tooth were found extending down 
 the right side, through the right leg, and turning up in two 
 prongs under the sole of the right foot ! "No wonder," said 
 Tushmaker, " he raised his right leg." The jury thought so 
 too, but they found the roots much decayed, and five surgeons 
 swearing that mortification would have ensued in a few 
 months, Tushmaker was cleared on a verdict of "justifiable 
 homicide." He was a little shy of that instrument for some 
 time afterward ; but one day an old lady, feeble and flaccid, 
 came in to have a tooth drawn, and thinking it would come 
 out very easy, Tushmaker concluded, just by way of variety, 
 to try the machine. He did so, and at the first turn drew 
 the old lady's skeleton completely and entirely from her body, 
 leaving her a mass of quivering jelly in her chair ! Tush* 
 
PIICENIX AT BENICIA. 233 
 
 maker took lier liomc in a pillow-case. She lived seven years 
 after tliat, and they called her the " India-Rubber Woman/' 
 She had suffered terribly with the rheumatism, but after this 
 occurrence never had a pain in her bones. The dentist kept 
 them in a glass case. After this, the machine was sold to the 
 contractor of the Boston Custom-Housc, and it was found 
 that a child of three years of age could, by a single turn of 
 the screw, raise a stone weighing twenty-three tons. Smaller 
 ones were made, on the same principle, and sold to the keepers 
 of hotels and restaurants. They were used for boning tur- 
 keys. There is no moral to this story whatever, and it ia 
 possible that the circumstances may have become slightly 
 exaggerated. Of course, there can be no doubt of the truth 
 of the main incidents. 
 
 The following maritime anecdote was related to me by a 
 small man in a pea-jacket and sou'-wester hat, who had salt 
 standing in crusts all over his face. When I asked him if it 
 were true, he replied, " The jib-sheet's a rope, and the helm's 
 a tiller." I guess it's all right. 
 
 Many years ago, on a stormy and inclement evening, " in 
 the bleak December," old Miss Tarbox, accompanied by her 
 niece, Mary Ann Stackpole, sailed from Holmes's Hole to 
 Cotuit, in the topsail schooner Two Susans, Captain Black- 
 ler. " The rains descended, and the floods came, and the 
 winds blew and beat upon" that schooner, and great was the 
 tossing and pitching thereof; while Captain Blackler, and his 
 hardy crew, " kept her to it," and old Miss Tarbox and her 
 niece rolled about in their uncomfortable bunks, wishing 
 
234 PHCENIX AT BENICIA. 
 
 tliemselves back in Holmes's Hole, or any other hole, on the 
 dry land. The shouts of Captain Blackler as he trod the 
 deck, conveying orders for " tacking ship," were distinctly 
 audible to the afflicted females below ; and " Oh ! " groaned 
 old Miss Tarbox, during a tranquil interval of her internal 
 economy, as for the fifteenth time the schooner " went in 
 stays," " what a dreiful time them pore creeturs of sailors is 
 a having on't. Just listen to Jim Blackler, Mary Ann, and 
 hear how he is ordering about that pore fellow, Hardy Lee. 
 I've heerd that creetur hollered for twenty times this blessed 
 night, if I have onst." " Yes," replied the wretched Mary 
 Ann, as she gave a fearful retch to starboard, " but he ain't 
 no worse off than poor Taupsle Hall — ^he seems to ketch it 
 as bad as Hardy." " I wonder who they be," mused old Miss 
 Tarbox ; " I knowed a Miss Hall, that lived at Seokonk Pint 
 oncet — ^mebbe it's her son." A tremendous sea taking the 
 " Two Susans " on her quarter at this instant, put a stop to 
 the old lady's cogitations ; but they had an awful night of 
 it — and still above the roaring of the wind, the whistling and 
 clashing of the shrouds, the dash of the sea, and the tramp 
 of the s-ailors, was heard the voice of stout Captain Blackler, 
 as he shouted, " Stations ! Hard a lee ! ^qp'sle haul ! Let 
 go and haul," — and the " Two Susans " went about. And, 
 as old Miss Tarbox remarked years afterward, when she and 
 Mary Ann had discovered their mistake, and laughed thereat, 
 " Anybody that's never been to sea, won't see no pint to this 
 story." 
 
 Circumstances over which I have no control, will soon 
 
PHCENIX AT BENICIA. 235 
 
 call me to a residence in Washington Territory, a beautiful 
 and fertile field of usefulness, named for the " Father of his 
 Country," who, I am led to understand, was " first in peace, 
 first in war, and first in the hearts of his countrymen." As 
 the Kentuckian remarked, " I may be heered on again, but I 
 stand about as much chance as a bar going to the in- 
 fernal regions (not to put too fine a point on it) without any 
 claws." Before I go, however, I will endeavor to give you 
 a little history of the rise, progress and decline of " 3Iy San 
 Diego Lawsuit^'''' which I think you and your readers will 
 find curious, if not amusing. Adieu. 
 
 P. S. — You think this a stupid letter, perhaps ? Think 
 of my surroundings, young man ! 'Tis not often you get a 
 good thing out of Nazareth. Oh, Benicia, Benicia, " don't 
 you cry for me," for I positively assure you, the feeling will 
 not be reciprocated. 
 
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 
 
 CORRESPONDENCE. 
 
 Sax Feancisco, Oct. 10, 1S54. 
 To Professor John Pucenix, Esq., San Diego Observatoiy. 
 
 Dear Sir : — Perceiving "by perasal of your interesting article on Astro- 
 nomy, that you have an organ wliich it is presumed you would lilce to dis- 
 pose of, I am instructed by the vestry of the meeting-house on street, 
 
 to enter luto a negotiation with you for its purchase. Please state by re- 
 turn of mail^ whether or no the organ is for sale ; if so, the price, and if 
 it is in good repair, and plays serious tunes. 
 
 Very truly yours, 
 
 A. Sleek Stiggins, 
 
 Prof. Phcenix lias the honor to acknowledge the receipt 
 cf Mr. Stiggins' polite 'communication, and regrets to in- 
 form him that the organ alluded to has been disposed of to a 
 member of the Turn-verein Association. Owing to some 
 '^fatuity or crooTcedness of mind^'''' on the part of the manu 
 facturer, the organ never could be made to play but one 
 
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 237 
 
 tune, " The Low Backed Car," wliicli Prof. Plioenix con- 
 siders a most sad and plaintive melody, calculated to fill 
 the mind with serious and melancholy emotions. Prof. P. 
 takes occasion to inform Mr. S., that 'he has a bass trombone 
 in his possession, which, with a double convex lens fitted in 
 the mouth-piece, he has used in his observations on the stars. 
 This instrument will be for sale at the conclusion of this 
 course of lectures, and if adapted to Mr. Stiggins' purpose, 
 is very much at his service. 
 
 LECTURES ON ASTEONOIMY— PART n. 
 
 This planet may be easily recognized by its bright, ruddy 
 appearance, and its steady light. It resembles in size and 
 color the stars Arcturus, in Bootes, and Antarcs, in Scorpio ; 
 but, as it is not like them, continually winking, we may con- 
 sider it, in some respects, a body of superior gravity. Our 
 readers will bo pleased to learn that Mars is an oblate 
 spheroid, with a diameter of 4,222 miles. It is seven times 
 smaller than the Earth ; its day is forty-four minutes longer 
 than ours, and its year is equal to twenty-two and a half of 
 our months. It receives from the sun only one half as much 
 light and heat as the Earth, and has no moon; which, in 
 some respects, may be considered a blessing, as the poets of 
 Mars cannot be eternally writing sonnets on that subject. 
 
238 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 
 
 Mars takes its name from tlie God of War, wlio was con- 
 sidered the patron of soldiers, usually termed sons of Mars, 
 though it was well remarked by some philosopher, that they 
 are generally sons of pa's also. Macauley, however, in his 
 severe review of " Hanson's Life of the Rev, Eleazer Wil- 
 liams," remarks with great originality, that " It is a wise 
 child that knows its own father." 
 
 M?irs is also the tutelary divinity of Fillibusters, and we 
 are informed by several of the late troops of the late Presi- 
 dent William Walker, that this planet was of great use in 
 guiding that potentate during his late nocturnal rambles 
 through the late Republic of Sonora. The ruddy appearance 
 of Mars is not attributed to his former bad habits, but to the 
 great height of his atmosphere, which must be very favorable 
 to the seronauts of that region, where, doubtless, ballooning 
 is the principal method of locomotion. Upon the whole, 
 Mars is but a cold and ill-conditioned planet, and if, as 
 some persons believe, the souls of deceased soldiers arc sent 
 thither, there can be little inducement to die in service, un- 
 less, indeed, larger supplies of commissary whiskey and to- 
 bacco are to be found there than the present telescopic ob- 
 servatiois would lead us to believe. 
 
 This magnificent planet is the largest body, excepting 
 the Sun, in the Solar System. " It may be readily dis- 
 tinguished from the fixed stars by its peculiar splendor and 
 magnitude, appearing to the unclothed eye. almost as re- 
 
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 239 
 
 splendent as Venus, although it is more than seven times 
 her distance from the Sun." Its day is but nine hours, fifty- 
 five minutes and fifty seconds ; but it has rather a lengthy 
 year, ec[uivalent to nearly twelve years of our time. It is 
 about thirteen hundred times larger than the Earth. 
 
 In consec[uence of the rapid movement of Jupiter upon 
 his axis, his form is that of an oblate spheroid, very consider- 
 ably flattened at its poles, and the immense centrifugal 
 force resulting from this movement (26,554 miles per hour), 
 would, undoubtedly, have long since caused him to fly 
 asunder, were it not for a wise provision of nature, which 
 has caused enormous belts or hoops, to encircle his entire 
 surface. 
 
 These hoops, usually termed belts, are plainly visible 
 through the telescope. They are eight in number, and are 
 supposed to be made of gutta percha, with an outer edge of 
 No. 1 boiler iron. Owing to the great distance of Jupiter 
 from the Sun, he receives but one twenty-seventh part of the 
 light and heat that we do from that body. To preserve the 
 great balance of Nature, it is therefore probable, that the 
 whales of Jupiter are twenty-seven times larger than ours, 
 and that twenty-seven times as much cord-wood is cut on 
 that planet as on the Earth. 
 
 The axis of Jupiter is perpendicular to the plane of its 
 orbit ; hence its climate has no variation of seasons in the 
 same latitude. It has four moons, three of which may be 
 readily discerned with an ordinary spy-glass. By observa- 
 tion on the eclipses of these satellites, the velocity of light 
 
240 
 
 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 
 
 lias been measured, and we find tliat light is precisely eight 
 minutes and thirteen seconds in coming to ns from the Sun. 
 According to the poet, " the light of other days " has a con- 
 siderably slow motion. Jupiter, in the Heathen Mythology, 
 was the King of the Gods. As there can be no doubt that, 
 T^ith the progress of time, advancement in liberal ideas, and 
 ft knowledge of the immortal principles of democracy, has 
 obtained among these divinities, it is probable that he has 
 long since been deposed, and his kingdom converted into a 
 republic, over whose destinies, according to the well-known 
 principles of availability, some one-eyed Cyclops, unknown 
 to fame, has probably been elected to preside. His repre- 
 sentative will, however, always remain King of the Planets, 
 while such things as kings exist ; after which he will become 
 their undisputed president. Jupiter is the patron of Mon- 
 archs. Presidents and Senators. It is doubtful, however, 
 whether he pays much attention to State Senators, or even 
 continues his patronage to him of the Congressional body 
 who fails to be re-elected, although bent on being notorious, 
 he may continue to vociferate that he " knows a hawk from 
 a hand-saw," and was "not educated at West Pijit^ 
 
 Whoever, during the present year, has had his attention 
 attracted by that beautiful group, the Pleiades, or Seven 
 Stars, may have noticed near them, in the constellation 
 Taurus, a star apparently of the first magnitude, shining with 
 a peculiarly white light, and beaming down with a gentle, 
 
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY 241 
 
 steady radiance upon the Eartli. This is the beautiful planet 
 Saturn, which, moving slowly at the rate of two minutes daily 
 among the stars, may be readily traced from one constellation 
 to another. Saturn is nearly nine hundred millions of miles 
 from the Sun. His volume is eleven hundred times that of 
 the Earth ; and while his year is e(|uivalent to twenty-nine 
 and a half of ours, his day is shorter by more than one-half. 
 Keceiving but one-nineteenth part of the light from the Sun 
 that we do, it follows that the inhabitants of Saturn are not 
 equally enlightened with us ; and supposing them to be phys- 
 ically constituted as we are, stoves and cooking ranges un- 
 doubtedly go off at a ready sale and pretty high figure among 
 them. Saturn differs from all the other planets, in being 
 surrounded by three rings, consecutive to each other, which 
 shine by reflection from the Sun, with superior brilliancy to 
 the planet itself. It is also attended by eight satellites. 
 Many theories have been started to account for the rings of 
 Saturn, but none of them are satisfactory. Our own opinion 
 is that this planet was originally diversified, like the Earth, 
 with continents of land and vast oceans of water. By the 
 rapid motion of the planet upon its axis, the oceans were col- 
 lected near the ec[uatorial regions, whence by the immenso 
 centrifugal force, they were subsequently thrown clear from 
 the surface, and remained revolving about the denser body, 
 at that distance where the centrifugal force and the attraction 
 of gravitation, from the other planets, were in equilibrio. 
 
 The ships floating on the surface of the waters at the time 
 of this great convulsion, of course, went with them, and it ia 
 
242 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 
 
 a most painful reflection to the humane mind, that their crews 
 have undoubtedly long since perished, after maintaining for 
 a while their miserably isolated existence on a precarious 
 supply of fish. 
 
 It is a curious and interesting fact, much dwelt on in 
 popular treatises on Astronomy, that were a cannon ball fired 
 from the Earth to Saturn, it would be one hundred and 
 eighty years in getting there. The only useful deduction 
 that we are able to make from this fact, however, is, that the 
 inhabitants of Saturn, if warned of their danger by the sight 
 of the flash or the sound of the explosion, would have ample 
 opportunity in the course of the one hundred and eighty years, 
 to dodge the shot ! 
 
 Saturn was the father of all the Heathen Divinities, and 
 we regret to say, was a most disreputable character. It will 
 hardly be credited that he had a revolting habit of devouring 
 his children shortly after their birth, and it was only by a 
 pious deception of his wife, who furnished him with dogs, 
 sheep, buffalo, and the like, on these occasions, with assur- 
 ances that they were his offspring, tliat Jupiter and his 
 brothers were preserved from their impending fate. A per- 
 son of such a disposition could never be tolerated in a civi- 
 lized community, and there is little doubt that if Saturn were 
 a resident of the Earth at the present time, and should per- 
 sist in his unpleasant practices, he would speedily be arrested 
 and held to bail in a large amount. 
 
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 243 
 
 HEnscnix. 
 
 "We know little of tliis planet, except that witli its sis 
 moons, it was discovered by Dr. Herschel, a native of tlie 
 island of England (situated on the north-west coast of 
 Europe), in 1781. It was named by him the " Georgium 
 Sidus," as a tribute of respect to a miserable, blind, old 
 lunatic, who at that time happened to be king of the Island. 
 Overlooking the sycophancy of the man, in their admiration 
 for the services of the Astronomer, his philosophical contem- 
 poraries re-named the planet, Herschel, by which title it is 
 still known. An attempt made by the courtiers of the Eng- 
 lish king to call it Uranus (a Latin expression, meaning 
 " You reign over us"), happily failed to succeed. Herschel 
 is supposed to be about eighty times larger than the Earth, 
 and to have a period of revolution of about eighty-four years^ 
 but its diurnal motion has not yet been discovered. 
 
 Was discovered by a French gentleman, named Le Ver- 
 rier, in 1846. It is supposed to be about forty thousand miles 
 in diameter, and to have a period of one hundred and sixty- 
 four years. But of this planet, and another still more re- 
 mote from the Sun, lately discovered (to which the literati 
 and savans of Europe propose to give the name of Squihoh, 
 a Hebrew word signifying, " There you go ivith your eye 
 out "), we know little from actual observation. That they 
 exist, there can be no doubt, and it is possible, to use the ex- 
 
244 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 
 
 pressive language of s modern philosoplier, '' There are a few 
 more of tlie same sort left " beyond them. 
 
 Neptune is tlie God of tlie Qea, an unpleasant element, 
 full of disagreeable fisli, horrible sea-lions, and equivocal ser- 
 pents, the reflection on which, or some other reasons, gener- 
 ally makes every one sick who ventures upon it. He mar- 
 ried a Miss Amphitrite, who, unlike sailors' wives in general, 
 usually accompanies her husband on all his voyages. Nep- 
 tune is the tutelar deity of seamen, who generally allude to 
 him as " Davy Jones," and speak of the ocean as his " lock- 
 er " (a locker indeed, in which untold thousands of their 
 worn-out bones are bleaching), and on crossing the Equinoc- 
 tial line, it was formerly the custom among them to perform 
 certain rites in his honor, which pagan ceremonial has gradu- 
 ally passed out of date. 
 
 THE ASTEROIDS. 
 
 These are ten small planets, revolving about the Sun in 
 different orbits, situated between those of Mars and Jupiter. 
 They can seldom be seen without a powerful telescope ; and 
 are of no great importance when you see them. Our friend, 
 Dr. Olbers, who paid much attention to these little bodies, is 
 of the opinion that they are fragments of a large celestial 
 sphere, which formerly revolved between Mars and Jupiter, 
 and which, by some mighty internal convulsion, burst into 
 pieces. With this opinion we coincide. What caused the 
 explosion, how many lives were lost, and whether blame 
 could be attached to any one on account of it, are circum- 
 
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 245 
 
 stances tliat we sliall probably remain in as profound igno- 
 rance of as tlie unfortunate inhabitants of tlie planet found 
 themselves after the occurrence. "What purpose the Aster- 
 oids now serve in the great economy of the Universe, it is 
 impossible to ascertain ; it may be that they are reserved as 
 receptacles for the departed souls of ruined merchants and 
 broken brokers. As the Spaniard profoundly remarks, 
 ''QuienSahe?''' 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 OF THE FIXED STARS. 
 
 For convenience of description, Astronomers have di- 
 vided the entire surface of the Heavens into numerous small 
 tracts, called constellations, to which have been given names, 
 resulting from some real or fancied resemblance in the ar- 
 rangement of the stars composing them, to the objects in- 
 dicated. This resemblance is seldom very striking, but 
 nomenclature is arbitrary, and it is perhaps quite as well to 
 call a collection of stars that don't look at all like a scorpion, 
 " The Scorpion," as to name an insignificant village, with 
 two or three hundred inhabitants, a tavern, no church, and 
 twenty-seven grog shops, Rome, or Carthage. We once 
 knew a couple of honest people, who named their eldest 
 child (a singularly pug-nosed little girl), Madonna, Ma- 
 donna Smith — and that infant grew up and did well, and 
 was lately married to a highly respectable young butcher. 
 
 A zone 16° in breadth, extending quite around the 
 Heavens, 8° on each side of the Ecliptic, is called Zodiac. 
 
246 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 
 
 This zone is divided into twelve equal parts or constella- 
 tions, which are sometimes called the Signs of the Zodiac. The 
 following are the names of these constellations, in their regu- 
 lar order, and the number of visible stars contained in each • 
 
 1. Aries . . . Tlie Hydraulic Earn, . . ... 66 
 
 2. Taurus . 
 8. Gemini , 
 
 4. Cancer . 
 
 5. Leo 
 
 6. Yirgo 
 
 7. Libra . 
 
 8. Scorpio 
 
 9. Sagittarius . 
 
 10. Capri cornus 
 
 11. Aquarius 
 
 12. Pisces 
 
 The Irish Bull, 141 
 
 . The Siamese Twins 85 
 
 Tlie Soft Shelled Oral, 83 
 
 . Tlie Dandy Lion, 95 
 
 Tlie Virago, 110 
 
 . The Hay Scales 51 
 
 TJie N'. Y. Beraia ...... 44 
 
 . The Sparrow, 69 
 
 Tlie Bishop, 51 
 
 . The Decanter, 108 
 
 The Sardines 73 
 
 To discover the position of these several constellations 
 it is merely nesessary to have a starting point. On looking 
 at the Heavens during the month of April, and considering 
 the stars therein intently, the observer will at length find 
 six bright stars arranged exactly in the form of a sickle. 
 A very bright star is at the extremity of the handle. This 
 is the star Regulus in the constellation Leo, Then some 
 30° further to the east, he will observe a very brilliant 
 star, with no visible stars near it. This is Spica in the 
 Virgin. 
 
 Still further east, rises Libra, distinguished by two rather 
 bright stars forming a parallelogram, with two rather dim 
 ones, followed by Scorpio, whose stars resemble in their ar- 
 rangement a kite, with a tail to it, and in which a brilliant 
 red star, named Antares, forms the centre. Then Sagit- 
 
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 247 
 
 tarius and Capricornus separately span 30° ; -wlien rises 
 Acfuarius, in wliicli the most careless observer will notice 
 four stars, forming very plainly, tlie letter Y. Pisces, a 
 loose straggling succession of stars, intervenes between this 
 sign and that of Aries, which may be distinguished by two 
 bright stars, about 4° apart, the brightest, to the N. E. of 
 the other. Taurus cannot be mistaken — it contains two re- 
 markable clusters, the Pleiades and the Hyades ; the latter 
 forming a well-marked letter Y. with the bright red star 
 Aldebaran at the upper left-hand corner. Gemini contains 
 two remarkably bright stars, Castor and Pollux ; — the for- 
 mer much the most brilliant and the more northerly of the 
 pair; they are but 5"^ apart. Then follows 30° including 
 Cancer, which contains no remarkably brilliant stars, and we 
 return to our starting point. In the month of September, 
 we would select as a starting point the star Antares, giving 
 us the position of the Scorpion. Antares is of a remarkably 
 red appearance, situated between, and equi-distant from, two 
 other less brilliant stars with which it forms a curved line, 
 which, extended* by other stars, curve around at its ex- 
 tremity like the tail of a nying kite, or if you please, like 
 the tail of a scorpion. 
 
 The fixed stars are classed according to their magnitude, 
 first, second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. ; the stars of the fifth 
 magnitude being the smallest that can be seen by the un- 
 assisted eye. It is by no means our intention, in this course 
 of lectures, to convey a complete, and thorough knowledge 
 of Uranography (we assure you, madam, that this word is 
 
248 LECTURES ON ASTPlONOMY. 
 
 in the Dictionary) ; liowever great our ability or inclination, 
 the limits prescribed us will not permit of it we shall, there- 
 fore, confine ourselves to a brief description of the principal 
 constellations, trusting that the interest awakened in the 
 minds of our numerous readers on the subject, by our re- 
 marks, may lead them to make it a study hereafter. For 
 this purpose we would recommend as a suitvible preparation 
 a light course of reading, such, for instance, as " Church's 
 Deferential and Integral Calculus," to be followed by 
 " Bartlett's Optics,'' and Gummer's Elements of Astro- 
 nomy." After this, by close and unremitting study of La 
 Place, and other eminent writers, for twenty or thirty years, 
 the reader, if of good natural ability, may acquire a super- 
 ficial knowledge of the science. 
 
 " The Great Bear " (which is spelled — Bear — and has 
 no reference whatever to Powers' Greek Slave) is one of the 
 most remarkable constellations in the Heavens. We cannot 
 imagine why it received its name, unless indeed, because it 
 has not the slightest resemblance to a great Bear, or any 
 other animal. It may be distinguished by 'means of a clus- 
 ter of seven brilliant stars, arranged in the form of a dipper 
 (not a duch^ but a tin dipper). Of these, the two, forming 
 the side of the dipper, furthest from the handle, are named, 
 the lower MeraJc, the upper DuhJie, and are called the 
 Pointers, from the fact, that in whatever position the con- 
 stellation is observed, a line passing through these two stars 
 and continued in the direction of Duhhe for 28° passes 
 through Cynosuraj the North or pole star. To this re- 
 
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 249 
 
 markable star — it was discovered some years since — a mag- 
 netic needle will constantly point, a discovery wliicli lias 
 done more for commerce, made more sailors and caused 
 more fatigue to the legs of tlie author, than any other under 
 heaven, Colt's pistols not excepted. It must not he under- 
 stood that the needle points to the pole star, because the 
 star possesses any particular attraction for it. Currents of 
 electricity passing constantly from "W. to E. about the earth, 
 cause the needle to point N. and S., and it is mefely in con- 
 sequence of the star Cynosura lying exactly in the N., that 
 it appears directed toward it. Immediately opposite to the 
 G-reat Bear, beyond Cynosura, we observe the constellation 
 Cassiopeia, which, instead of representing as it should, a re- 
 spectable looking old woman sitting on a throne, takes the 
 appearance of a chair, which, constantly revolving about the 
 North star, is thrown into as many different positions as the 
 chair used by the celebrated "India-rubber man," in his 
 wonderful feats of dexterity. 
 
 Near Cassiopeia, but further to the E., we find Andro- 
 meda, which constellation, representing a young lady, chained 
 to a rock, without a particle of clothing, we shall not attempt 
 to point out more definitely. Perseus, near Andromeda, 
 holds in his hand the head of Medusa, a glance from whose 
 eyes turned the gazer into stone, which accounts for the ori- 
 gin of the Stones, a numerous and highly respectable family 
 in the United States. If we prolong the handle of the dip- 
 per some 25°, we observe a brilliant star of the first magni- 
 tude, of a ruddy appearance, called Arcturus ; which many 
 
250 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY 
 
 years since, a person named Job, was asked if he could guide, 
 and lie acknowledged he couldn't do it. The star is in the 
 knee of the Bootes (which is pronounced Bootees ; he was 
 the inventor and wearer of those articles), who, wi-th two 
 greyhounds, Asterion and Chara, is apparently driving the 
 Bear forever around the pole. A beautiful star 30'^ E. of 
 Arcturus, named Lyra, distinguished by two small stars with 
 which it makes an equilateral triangle, points out the position 
 of the Harp ; immediately beneath which is seen the Swan, 
 distinguished by five stars forming a large and regular cross, 
 the foot of which being turned up, prevents its being noticed, 
 unless closely examined. The bright star in the head of the 
 cross is Deneb Cygni. Twenty degrees S. E. of Lyra, we 
 observe the brilliant star Altair in the Eagle, equidistant 
 from two other small stars, making with it a slight curve. 
 
 The beautiful constellation Orion (which takes its name 
 from the founder of the celebrated Irish family of O'Byan) 
 may be easily distinguished by its belt, three bright starSj 
 forming a right line about 3^ in length ; with three smaller 
 stars immediately below (forming an angle with it), which 
 distinguish the handle of the sword. The brilliant star of 
 the first magnitude, in the left shoulder of Orion, is called 
 Betelguese, that in the right shoulder, Bellatrix ; the star in 
 the right knee, is Saiph, that in the left foot, Rigel. Some 
 20^ N. E. of the seven stars, the brilliant star Capella, in 
 the Wagoner, may be recognized by three small stars, form- 
 ing an acute-angled triangle, immediately below it. A very 
 beautiful star, of peculiarly whitish lustre, named Formal- 
 
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 251 
 
 haut, forms the eye of the Soutliern Fish; it is about 30° S. 
 E. of the Y in Aquarius and cannot be mistaken, as it is the 
 only brilliant star in that part of the Heavens. We have 
 now mentioned most of the principal constellations, but we 
 suspect that the ardent curiosity and love of research of our 
 readers will hardly allow them to rest contented with the 
 meagre information thus conveyed, but that they will hasten 
 to seek in the writings of standard authors, such a knowledge 
 of this interesting subject, as the scope of these lectures will 
 not permit us to attempt imparting. They will thus find the 
 truth of Hamlet's statement, " that more things exist in 
 Heaven and Earth, than are dreamed of" in their philosophy. 
 Dragons, Hydras, Serpents and Centaurs, Big Dogs and Lit- 
 tle Dogs, Doves, Coons and Ladies' Hair, will be exhibited 
 to their admiring gaze, and they will also have their atten- 
 tion directed to the remarkable constellation Phoenix (named 
 for an ancestor of the present Johannes, but not in the least 
 resembling him, or the family portraits), to which the modesty 
 of the author has merely permitted him to make this brief 
 allusion. On the subject of Comets, we should have desired 
 to make a lengthy dissertation ; but Professor Siiliman in his 
 late efforts to throw light upon it, has decided that these 
 bodies are nothing but Gas ; which sets the matter at rest 
 forever, and renders discussion useless. 
 
 The lecture now closes, with an exhibition of the " Phan- 
 tasmagoria''' (which is the scientific name of a tin Magic 
 Lantern), showing the various Heavenly Bodies tranquilly 
 revolving round the Sun, perfectly undisturbed by the ex- 
 
252 LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 
 
 travagant motions of tliese rampant comets, continually cross- 
 ing their paths in orbits of impossible eccentricity, while the 
 organ, slowly turned by the Professor with one hand (the 
 other imparting motion to the planets), emits in plaintive 
 tones that touching melody the " Low Backed Car," giving 
 an excruciating and probably correct idea of the " Music of 
 the Spheres," which nobody ever heard, and, therefore, the 
 correctness of the imitation cannot be disputed. This por- 
 tion of the entertainment should be continued as long as pos- 
 sible, as the author has observed, it never fails to give great 
 satisfaction to the audience; any exhibition requiring a 
 darkened room, being a "sure card" of attraction in a com- 
 munity where there are many young people, which accounts 
 for the wonderful success of Banvard's Panorama. Should 
 the Professor's arm become wearied before the audience are 
 entirely satisfied, it is easy to disperse them, by the simple 
 process of shutting down the slide, stopping the organ, and 
 inducing a small boy, by a trifling pecuniary compensation, to 
 holla Fire ! in the vicinity of the lecture room. 
 
 The author acknowledges the receipt of " An Astronomi 
 cal Poem " from a " Young Observer," commencing 
 
 " Oh, if I had a telescope witli fourteen slides," 
 
 with the modest request that he would ''introduce " it in his 
 second lecture ; but the detestable attempt of the " Young 
 Observer" to make "slides" rhyme with " Pleiades" in the 
 second line, and the fearful pun in the thirty-seventh verse, 
 on " the Meteor by moonlight alone," compel him to decline 
 
LECTURES ON ASTRONOMY. 253 
 
 the introduction. The manuscript will bo returned to the 
 author, on making known his real name, and engaging to 
 destroy it immediately. 
 
A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 It was eveniDg at the Tehama. The apothecary, whose shop 
 formed the south-eastern corner of that edifice, had lighted 
 his lamps, which, shining through those large glass bottles 
 in the window, filled with red and blue liquors, once supposed 
 by this author, when young and innocent, to be medicine of 
 the most potent description, lit up the faces of the passers-by 
 with an unearthly glare, and exaggerated the general redness 
 and blueness of their noses. Within the office the hands of 
 the octagonal clock, which boked as though it had been 
 thrown against the wall in a moist state and stuck there, 
 pointed to the hour of eight. The apartment was nearly 
 deserted. Frink, " the courteous and gentlemanly manager," 
 and the Major, had gone to the Theatre; having season tick- 
 ets, they felt themselves forced to attend, and never missed 
 a performance. The coal fire in the office stove glowed with 
 a hospitable warmth, emitting a gentle murmur of welcome to 
 
A LEGEND OF THE TEIIiiMA HOUSE. 255 
 
 tlie expected wayfarers by the Sacramento boats, interrupted 
 only by an occasional deprecatory liiss, wlien insulted by a 
 stream of tobacco juice. Overcoats bung about the walls, still 
 moist with recent showers ; umbrellas reclined lazily incomers ; 
 spittoons stood about the floor, the whole diffusing that name- 
 less odor so fascinating to the married man, who, cigar in 
 mouth and hot whiskey punch at elbow, sits nightly until 
 twelve o'clock in the enjoyment of it, while the wife of his 
 bosom in their comfortable home on Powell street, wonders 
 at his absence, and unjustly curses the Know Nothings or the 
 Free and Accepted Masonic Fraternity. 
 
 Behind the ofHce desk, perched on a high, three-legged 
 stool, his head supported by both hands, the youthful but lit- 
 erary John Duncan was deeply engaged in the exciting peru- 
 sal of the last yellow-covered novel, " Blood for Blood, or the 
 Infatuated Dog." He knew that, in a few moments, eighty- 
 four gentlemen " in hot haste," would call to inquire whether 
 the Member of Congress had returned, and was anxious to 
 find out what the " Bobber Chieftain " did with the " Lady 
 Maude Alleyne " before the arrival of the Sacramento boat. 
 The only other occupant of the office, was a short, fleshy gen- 
 tleman with a white hat, dark green coat with brass buttons, 
 drab pantaloons, short punchy little boots and gaiters. 
 
 These circumstances might be noted as he stood with his 
 back to the door, gazing intently upon one of those elaborate 
 works of art with which the spirited proprietor has lately seen 
 fit to adorn the walls of the Tehama. It represented a lady 
 in a ball dress, seated on the back of a large dray-horse (at 
 
256 A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 
 
 least eighteen hands high), and holding a parrot on her right 
 forefinger, while at her horse's feet kneeled a man in the 
 stage dress of Mercntio, doing something with five or six 
 other parrots. The piece was called " Hawking," had a fine 
 gilt frame and glass, and in certain lights, answered the pur- 
 pose of a mirror, and was therefore a very pretty object to 
 gaze upon. In fact, the short, stout gentleman was adjusting 
 his shirt collar, which was of prodigious height, and had a per- 
 verse inclination to turn down on one side, hy its reflection. 
 
 As he turned from this employment, he exhibited one of 
 the most curious faces it is possible to conceive. Unlike most 
 fat men, whose little eyes, round, red cheeks, wart-like noses 
 and double chins, convey but little meaning or expression, 
 this gentleman's face was all expression. He wore a con- 
 stant look of the most intense curiosity. Inquisitiveness sat 
 upon every lineament of his countenance. His small, green 
 eyes protruding from his head, surmounted by thin but well- 
 defined and very curvilinear eyebrows, looked like two notes 
 of interrogation ; his nose, though small, was sharp at the 
 end like a gimlet, and his little round mouth was constantly 
 pursed up into an expression of inquiring wonder, as though 
 the most natural sound that could fall from it, should be, 
 " 0-0-0-0 ! come now, do tell." In fact he was one of those 
 beings created by a wise but inscrutable Providence, for no 
 other purpose apparently but " to meddle with other peo- 
 ple's business," and ask questions. 
 
 His name was Bogle, and with Mrs. Bogle, whom he had 
 married two years before, because, having exhausted all other 
 
A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 257 
 
 subjects of inquiry in conversation with her, he had finally 
 asked her if she would have him, and a little Bogle, who had 
 made its appearance some three months since, and already 
 " took notice " with an inc[uiring air painful to contemplate, 
 he occupied, for the present, "Koom No, 31." 
 
 Bogle would have made a fortune in no time, if he had 
 lived in the hlessed era when the promise " Ask and ye shaU 
 receive " was fulfilled ; and so well was his disposition under- 
 stood by the frequenters of the Tehama, that they invariably 
 left the vicinity when he looked askant at them ; his presence 
 cleared the room as quickly as a stream from a fire engine, 
 or a mad dog could have done it. Brushing some remains of 
 snuff from his snow white vest — Bogle took snuff inordinately 
 — ^he said it sharpened up his faculties — he turned upon the 
 hapless Duncan — who had just got the " Lady Maude " into 
 the cave, where the skeleton hand dripped blood from the 
 ceiling — " John, what time is it ? " John looked at the 
 clock with a slight groan, " Five minutes past eight, Mr. 
 Bogle." 
 
 " What time will the boat be in ? " 
 " In a few moments, Mr. Bogle." 
 " Will the G-eneral come down to-night ? ■' 
 '•' I don't know, Mr. Bogle." 
 " How old a man do you take him to be now ? " 
 " Fontaine she screamed ! — that is, I don't know, Mr 
 Bogle." 
 
 " How much does he weigh ? " 
 
 " The skeleton ! — indeed, I don't know, sir." 
 
'J as A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 
 
 The conversation was here suspended hy the sudden arii' 
 val of a stranger. He was a large man, of stern and forbid- 
 ding aspect, exceedingly dark complexion, with long, black 
 hair hanging in unkempt tangles about his shoulders, and 
 with a fierce and uncompromising moustache and beard, 
 blacker than the driven charcoal, completely concealing the 
 lower part of his face. His dress was singular ; a brown hat, 
 brown coat, brown vest, brown neck cloth, brown pantaloons, 
 brown gaiter boots. In his hand he carried a broAvn carpet 
 bag, and beneath his arm a brown silk umbrella. Hastily he 
 inscribed his name upon the Eegister, " General Tecumseh 
 Brown, Brownsville," and, for an instant, seemed to fall into 
 a brown study. Bogle was on the qui vive ; he looked over 
 the General's shoulder. 
 
 " From Sacramento, sir ? " said he. 
 
 The General gazed at Bogle, sternly, for a moment, and 
 replied, " I am, sir." 
 
 " I see, sir," said Bogle with a cordial smile, " you live in 
 Brownsville; may I inquire if you are in business there?" 
 
 The General gazed at Bogle more sternly than before, 
 and shortly answered, " You may, sir," 
 
 " Well," said Bogle, " are you?" 
 
 " Yes, sir," replied General Brown in a stentorion voice, 
 at the same time advancing a step toward his fat little in- 
 quisitor, " I have lately made a fortune there." 
 
 " Oh ! " said Bogle, nimbly jumping back as the General 
 advanced, " How ? " 
 
 ^^By minding my oivn business, sirf'' thundered the 
 
A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 259 
 
 General, and turning to Duncan, who had forgotten the 
 "Lady Maude" in the charms of this conversation, said, 
 " Give me my key, sir, and the moment a young man calls 
 here to inquire for me, send him up to my room." 
 
 So saying, and grasping the key extended to him. General 
 Brown turned away, and, casting a look of fierce malignity 
 at little Bogle, Avho tried to conceal his confusion by taking 
 a pinch of snuff, retired, taking with him as he went, the only 
 brown japanned candlestick that stood among the numerous 
 array of those articles, provided for the Tehama's guests." 
 
 " Well," said Bogle, " of all the Brown — where did you 
 put him, John?" 
 
 " No. 32," replied that individual, returning to " the 
 cave." 
 
 " Thirty-two !" exclaimed Bogle, " Goodness ! Gracious ! 
 why that joins my room, and the partition is as thin as a 
 wafer." 
 
 . CHAPTER II. 
 
 Up stairs went Bogle, two steps at a time. The door of 
 thirty-two slammed, as he reached the door of his apartment ; 
 it slammed on a brown coat-tail, about half a yard of which 
 remained on the outside; there was a muttered ejaculation, 
 then a deep growl, and — rip ! went the coat-tail, the frag- 
 ment remaining in the door. 
 
 " Gracious ! Goodness ! " said Bogle, " what a passionate 
 man ! he's torn it off ! he's like Halley's comet ; no ! that 
 
260 A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 
 
 never Iiad a tail ! lie's like tliat fox," — and Bogle entered his 
 apartment. 
 
 Here sat his interesting wife, rocking tlieir offspring, and 
 instilling into its infant mind tlie first lesson of practical 
 economy, by singing tliat popular nursery refrain, 
 
 " Buy low, Baby ; buy low, buy low.*' 
 
 " Hush ! " said Bogle, as lie entered on tip-toe, and, care- 
 fully closing the door of thirty-one, held up a warning finger 
 to the partner of his joys and sorrows. The lullahy ceased. 
 It is said that all women hecome like their husbands after a 
 certain time, both in appearance and disposition. Mrs. 
 Bogle, who had been a Miss Artemesia Stackpole before mar- 
 riage (Bogle said she was named for an elder sister, Blesia, 
 who died, and she was called Arter-mesia), certainly did not 
 at all resemble her husband in appearance. She was of the 
 thread-paper order ; one of those gaunt, bony females of no 
 particular ago, who always have two false eye-teeth, and wear 
 brown merino dresses and muslin night-caps with a cotton 
 lace border in the morning. But in disposition she was his 
 very counterpart. Curious, meddling, inquisitive, fond of 
 gossip and indefatigable in " the pursuit of knowledge under 
 difficulties," she was an invaluable coadjutor to Bogle, whom 
 she had materially assisted many times in obtaining informa- 
 tion, that even his prying nature had failed to accomplish. 
 Eagerly she listened to his tale about the mysterious Brown 
 and his tail, and, like a good and dutiful wife, all quietly she 
 
A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 26 1 
 
 nursed the olive brancli, while Bogle, seated in close prox- 
 imity to the partition, listened with eager ear, intent, to the 
 motions of their neighbor. 
 
 Three times in as many quarters of an hour did that 
 mysterious General ring the hell ; three times came up the 
 waiter; three times he replied to the G-eneral's anxious 
 question, " that no one had called for him," and three times 
 he went down again. After each interview with the waiter, 
 Bogle listening at the partition, heard the General mutter to 
 himself a large word, a scriptural word, but not adapted to 
 common conversation ; it began with a capital D and ended 
 with a small n. Each time that he heard it. Bogle said 
 '' Gracious ! Goodness ! " At length his patient exertions 
 were rewarded. As the clock struck ten, a step was heard 
 upon the stairs ; nearer and nearer it came. Bogle's heart 
 beat heavily ; it stopped in front of " thirty- two ; " — ^he held 
 his breath ; — a knock ; — the General's voice, " Come in ; " — 
 he heard the door open, and the stranger commence with 
 " Good evening. General," but before he could say " Brown," 
 that gentleman exclaimed, " Charles, have you seen Fanny ? " 
 
 Bogle, his ear glued to the wall, turned his eye toward 
 his wife and beckoned. • Artemesia approached, and seating 
 herself on his knee, the infant clasped to her breast, listened 
 with her husband 
 
 The stranger slowly replied, '' I have." 
 
 " And who was she with ?" 
 
 " That Frenchman, as you supposed." 
 
 " Good God ! " exclaimed the stricken Brown, as in agony 
 
262 A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 
 
 he paced the room with fearful strides. There was a mo- 
 ment's silence. 
 
 " Did you take her from him ?" 
 
 " Yes, I persuaded her to accompany me to my room at 
 'The Union.'" 
 
 " Why did you not bring her to me at once ? " 
 
 " I knew your passionate nature, General, and I feared 
 you would kill her." 
 
 ^^ I loill! " growled the G-eneral, " By Heaven, I will ! — 
 but not so — not as you think ; I'll poison her ! " 
 
 Bogle, his face pallid with apprehension, his teeth chat- 
 tering with fear, looked at Artemesia ; " — she met his horror- 
 stricken gaze, and with a subdued shriek, clasped the baby ; 
 — it awoke. 
 
 The G-eneral, in a low, deep voice of concentrated pas- 
 sion, continued ; — " I'll poison her, Charles ! " 
 
 " Oh ! " he exclaimed with deep emotion, " how I have 
 loved that—" 
 
 Here the infant Bogle, who had been drawing in his 
 breath for a cry, broke forth ; — " At once there rose so wild 
 a yell." Human nature could not stand it longer. 
 
 " Smother that little villain ! " said Bogle in a fierce 
 whisper; " I can't hear a word." 
 
 Artemesia, with the look of Lucretia Borgia, withdrew 
 with the child to the adjoining room, (No. 31, Tehama, 
 contains two rooms, a small parlor and a bed-chamber), and 
 administered a punishment that must have astonished it-— 
 
A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 263 
 
 it was certainly struch aback. If babies remember any 
 tiling, that youtliful Bogle has not forgotten that bastinado — 
 applied a little higher up than is customary among the 
 Turks — to this day. "At length the tumult dwindled to a 
 calm," and again Bogle clapped his ear to the wall He 
 heard but the concluding words of the murderous General— 
 
 " Bring her up with you at ten o'clock to-morrow evening, 
 and a sack; after it is over, .we will put her body in it, and 
 carry her to Meiggs' wharf, where there are plenty of brick ; 
 we can fill the sack with them and throw her off." 
 
 " Well, sir," rejDlied the stranger, " if you are determined 
 to do it, I will ; but poor Fanny ! " — ^here emotion choked 
 his utterance. 
 
 " You do as I tell you, sir ;" growled the General, "there's 
 no weakness about me ! " Here the door opened and closed. 
 
 Bogle rose from his knees, the perspiration was running 
 down his fat face in streams. — "No weakness," said he, 
 "Goodness Gracious! I should say not; — what an awful 
 affair; — coming so close, too, upon the Meiggs' forgeries, 
 and the loss of the Yankee Blade ; — ^how providential that 
 I happened to overhear it all ! Gracious Goodness ! " 
 
 That night, in a whispered consultation with his Arte- 
 mesia, Bogle's plan of action was decided upon. But long 
 after this, and long after the horror-stricken pair had sunk 
 into a perturbed slumber, the footsteps of the intended mur- 
 derer might have been heard, as hour after hour he paced 
 the floor of his solitary chamber, and his deep voice mio-ht 
 
264 A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 
 
 have been heard also, occasionally giving vent to Lis fell 
 
 determination—" Yes, sir I I'11-mnr-der ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 
 
 !!!— ! 
 
 OHAPTER III. 
 
 The next morning a great change might have been ob- 
 served in our friend Bogle. He appeared nnusually quiet 
 and reserved — pallid and nervous ; — starting when any one 
 approached him, he stood alone near the door of the Tehama; 
 he sought no companionship — he ashed no questions. Men 
 marvelled thereat. 
 
 "What has come over Bogle?" said the Judge to the 
 Major. " I haven't heard him ask a question to-day." 
 
 " Well," was the unfeeling reply, " he's been asking ques- 
 tions for the last thirty years, and I reckon' he has asked all 
 there are." 
 
 But Bogle knew what he was about. At three P.M. 
 precisely, General Brown came majestically down stairs ; he 
 passed Bogle so nearly that he could have touched him ; but 
 he noticed not the latter's shuddering withdrawal ; he looked 
 neither to the right or left, but, gloomy and foreboding, like 
 an avenging genius, he passed into the apothecary's on the 
 corner. 
 
 " Give me an ounce bottle of strychnine," said he. 
 
 "For rats, sir?" said the polite attendant. 
 
 The General started ; he gave a fearful scowl. " Yes," 
 he said, with a demoniac laugh, " for rats ! ha ! ha ! oh yes-— 
 for — rats ! " 
 
A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 265 
 
 Bogle heard this ; — he heard no more ; he started for the 
 Police Office. 
 
 Who was Fanny ?— ? ? ? ? ? ? ! 
 
 .9 9 9 9 9 
 
 That evening about ten o'clock, Bogle sat alone, or alone 
 save his Artemesia, in No. 31. The bahj had been put to 
 bed ; and silent and solemn in that dark apartment, for the 
 lamp had been extinguished, sat listening that shuddering 
 pair. A step was heard on the stairs, and closer drew the 
 Bogles together, listening to that step, as it sounded fearfully 
 distinct, from the beating of their own agitated hearts. 
 
 As it drew near, it was evident that two persons were 
 approaching ; for, accompanying the first distinct tread, was 
 a light footfall like that of a young and tender female. 
 " Poor thing ! " said Artemesia, with a suppressed gasp. The 
 heavy tread of General Brown could be heard distinctly in 
 No. 32. The parties stopped at his door; — a knock, and 
 they were silently admitted. 
 
 The voice of the General broke the silence — " Oh ! 
 Fanny," he exclaimed in bitter anguish, hoy/ could you 
 desert me ! " There was no articulate reply, but the Bogles 
 heard from the unhappy female an expression of grief, which 
 almost broke their hearts. 
 
 " Fanny," continued the General, '' you have been faitli- 
 
 less to me — fickle and false as your sex invariably are ! 1 
 12 
 
266 A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 
 
 loved you, Fanny — I love .you still ! — but my heart can nc 
 more be made the sport of falsehood ! You must die ! Take 
 this!" 
 
 " Hold — wretch ! " shouted Bogle. " Let me go, Arte- 
 mesia ; " and throwing off his coat, the heroic little fellow 
 threw open his own door, kicked down the door of thirty- 
 two, and stood in the presence of the murderer and his 
 victim — pistol in hand! At the same instant the Ibell of 
 thirty-one was violently rung, the doors on each side opened, 
 and the gallery was filled with men. But what caused Boglo 
 to falter ? "Why did he not rush forward to snatch the vic- 
 tim from her destroyer ? Near the centre-table, on which 
 was burning an astral lamp, stood a remarkably fine looking 
 young man, who gased on Bogle's short, punchy figure with 
 an inquiring smile. 
 
 On the other side of the table, but nearer the door, his 
 brow blacker than a thunder-cloud, sat General Brown 
 in one hand he held a small piece of meat, the other 
 retained between his knees a small but exceedingly stanch- 
 looking dog, of the true bull-terrier breed. Both the Gen- 
 eral and the dog showed their teeth ; — both were epitomes 
 of ferocity, but the snarl of the dog was as nothing to the 
 snarl of the General, as, half-rising from his seat, but still 
 holding the dog down by the collar, he shouted — " How's 
 this, sir?" 
 
 Bogle staggered back — dashing back from his brow the 
 perspiration, he dropped the pistol and leaning against the 
 door, gasped rather than articulated — " It's a dog 1 " 
 
A LEGEND OP THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 267 
 
 ' \td, riir!" roared the infuriated General, rising from 
 his chair — ^^and a she dog at that! what have you got to 
 say about it ? " 
 
 Bogle, almost fainting, stammered painfully forth, " Is 
 her — ^name — Fanny ? " 
 
 " D n you sir," screamed the General, " I'll let you 
 
 know ! Sta-boy ! bite him, Fan ! " 
 
 Like an arrow from a bow, like lightning from the cloud, 
 like shot off a shovel, like any thing that goes quick, sprang 
 the female bull-terrier on the unhappy Bogle. 
 
 " Man is but mortal," and Bogle turned to flee. " It was 
 too late ! " Why did he take off his coat ? — ah ! why wear 
 such tight pantaloons ? 
 
 Shrieking like a demon, the ferocious beast clinging to 
 one extremity, his hair on end with fright, and horror at the 
 other. Bogle rushed frantically down the passage, overturning 
 in his mad career police officers, chambermaids, housekeeper 
 and boarders, who, alarmed at his outcries, thronged tumul- 
 tuously into the hall. The first flight of stairs he took at a 
 jump ; — the second he rolled down from top to bottom, the 
 bull-terrier clinging to him like a steel trap — ^first the dog 
 on top, then Bogle ; — arrived at the bottom, he sprang forth 
 into Sansome street, and reckless of Frink's alarmed cry — • 
 " Stop that man— he hasn't paid his bill ! " away he went on 
 the wings of the wind. It was an awful sight to see that lit- 
 tle figure, as, wild with horror, he ran adown the street, the 
 stanch dog swinging from side to side, as he fled. 
 
 It was a fearful race ! Never did a short pair of legs get 
 
268 A LEGFND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 
 
 over an equal space in an equal time, than on that trying oc- 
 casion. At length a sailor on Commercial street, takirig the 
 dog for a portmanteau, with which he supposed Bogle was 
 making oS, stretched out a friendly leg and tripped him up. 
 But his troubles were not ended. When a bull-terrier takes 
 a hold — a fair hold — to get it off, one of two alternatives 
 must obtain ; — either the animal's teeth must be drawn, or 
 the piece must come out. They hadn't time to draw Fanny's 
 teeth— ! 
 
 They brought Bogle home in a hand-cart, and put him 
 to bed. He hasn't sat down since. As they took him up 
 stairs to his room, surrounded by a clamorous throng, the 
 door of No. 10, at the foot of the first flight of stairs, opened, 
 and a gentleman of exceeding dignity, made his appearance 
 in a dressing gown of beautifully embroidered pattern. 
 
 " John," he said to Mr. Duncan, who, with an extensive 
 grin on his countenance, and " Blood for Blood " (somewhat 
 dilapidated in the scuffle) in his hand, was bringing up the rear 
 of the procession with a candle, " what's all this row about ? ' 
 
 John briefly explained. 
 
 " I thought it a fire," said the gentleman, " but, ^ Fartu- 
 riuni monies^ nascetur — ' " 
 
 " A ridiculous muss," said the classic John Duncan. 
 
 The gentleman retired ; so did the chambermaid ; so did 
 the boarders generally ; so did Greneral Brown, with his dog 
 under his arm, swearing he would not part v/ith her for five 
 hundred dollars; so did the policemen, somewhat scandalized 
 that nobody was murdered after all. 
 
A LEGEND OF THE TEHAMA HOUSE. 269 
 
 Bogle left the liouse next day in a baby-jumper, swung 
 to a pole between two Chinamen. Artemesia and the infant 
 followed. 
 
 I hear that he has lately increased his business, taken a 
 partner, and attends to the examination of wills, marriage 
 settlements, and other papers belonging entirely to other 
 people's business. Sneak is the name of the partner ; he or 
 Bogle may be seen daily at the " Hall of Eecords," from ten 
 until two o'clock, overhauling something or other, that is 
 no concern of theirs. They furnish all sorts of information 
 gratis. It is like the wine you get- where they advertise " All 
 sorts of liquors at 121- cents a glass." 
 
 General Brown has settled in Grass Yalley, Nevada 
 County, and would have appointed every white male inhabi- 
 tant of California a member of his staff with the rank of 
 Lieutenant-colonel, had he not been anticipated. 
 
 Fanny killed forty-four rats in thirty seconds, only last 
 week — so Tom says. 
 
 The Tehama House is still there. 
 
INTEBESTING COKKESPONDENCE. 
 
 [We have received for publication the following correspondence, -vvhich 
 is more than rich ; it is positively luscious.] 
 
 Washington, January 14, 1854. 
 
 Lieut. , Z7. S. A.^ San Diego ^ Gal. 
 
 Sir : — An effort having been made by me in connection 
 with others, to obtain an act of Congress during its present ses- 
 sion, by which army officers will receive the same allowances 
 whilst they served in California and Oregon, as were grant- 
 ed to Navy officers, I beg to call your attention thereto, and 
 especially ask your approval of the contemplated attempt. 
 
 You are aware that Congress, at its last session, granted 
 in the Naval Appropriation bill, extra pay ($2 per diem), to 
 the officers, and double pay to sailors and others, serving in 
 the Pacific during the Mexican war, and up to the 28th of 
 September, 1850. This allowance was based upon the sup- 
 position that the officers of the army serving in California 
 had received the same allowance, by previous acts of Con- 
 gress, when in fact this extra pay had only been granted 
 them from the 1st July, 1850. There are a large number 
 of army officers justly entitled to an additional allowance, 
 
INTERESTING COPwRESPONDENCE. 271 
 
 and for precisely the same reasons wliicli lias induced Con- 
 gress to grant it to the Navy, and especially those who 
 served there subsequent to the 1st January, 1 848 ; when 
 they were compelled to pay the most exorbitant prices for 
 the necessaries of life, having no other alternative, and no 
 means of leaving the country like the officers of the Pacific 
 squadron, who could have left the coast of California and 
 gone to a cheaper station. 
 
 I have been requested by a number of officers stationed 
 in Texas, to solicit your co-operation in carrying out this 
 desirable object, by contributing, in the event of success, the 
 proportionable per centum, agreed upon by them, namely: 
 five or ten per cent, on the amount that may accrue, to you, 
 as a remuneration for services rendered. Your concurrence 
 is therefore requested, and it is understood that if there 
 should be a failure, which, however, is not anticipated, no 
 charge of any kind shall be made. 
 
 Soliciting your immediate attention, and early reply, 
 I remain very respectfully. 
 
 Your ob'dt servant, 
 CHARLES D , 
 
 Ban Diego, 20th March, 1S54. 
 
 My dear Charles : — I have received your modest request 
 of the 4th of January, that I will give you five or ten per 
 cent, of any sum that Congress may hereafter, in its infinite 
 
272 INTEr.ESTING CORRESPONDENCE. 
 
 beneficence, approiDriatc to my relief; a request wMcli you 
 state you make to me at the instance of " a number of offi' 
 cars stationed in Texas." 
 
 For the benefit of those gentlemen, as well as yourself, I 
 have ashed Mr. Ames to print your letter, and my answer, in 
 the world-renowued San Diego Herald — the only method I 
 Bee of communicating with your advisers ; as a letter directed 
 to " a number of officers stationed in Texas," might possibly 
 never reach them, through the ordinary channels. 
 
 Upon mature reflection, of nearly five minutes, I have 
 come to the conclusion to decline acceding to your propo- 
 sal. This decision has resulted from several considerations 
 
 In the first place, I don't know you, Charles. I never 
 heard of you before, in all my life. To be sure, I see by 
 your card, which you so kindly enclosed, and w^hich my wife 
 has just stuck up in the corner of the cracked looking-glasa 
 that adorns our humble chamber, that joii are a G-eneral 
 Agent (which may be a new military rank for all I know 
 created with the Lieutenant-generalcy, and if it is, I beg 
 your pardon and touch my hat, for I have a great respect for 
 rank), and a Notary Public, and that you live on Seventh 
 street, opposite the Odd Fellows' Hall, (why not move across 
 the street ?) But all this does not amount to friendship, 
 intimacy, or even common acquaintance; and I declare, 
 Charles, I do not even know now whether you may not be 
 some designing person, who, seeing that a bill is likely to 
 pass for the relief of certain distressed officers, seeks to levy 
 a little black mail, say five or even ten per cent,, on the 
 
INTERESTING CORRESPONDENCE. 273 
 
 scanty pittance, under the pretext of having influenced 
 Congress in its humane decision; a thing that I believe 
 all the G-eneral Agents, Notary Publics, U. S. Commission- 
 ers, and Commissioners of Deeds, that ever lived opposite or 
 in Odd Fellows' Hall, would fail to accomplish, had not 
 Congress made up its benevolent mind to do it without con- 
 sulting them. 
 
 2dly. Why should I promise to give you ten per cent, of 
 that allowance ? (Oh, donH you wish you might get it — I 
 hope I shall.) You say you have made an effoit to get it for 
 us. Ah, Charles, I love and honor you for doing so, if you 
 have ; but how, when, and where — tell me where, did you 
 make that effort. But if you did do so, what of it ? Perhaps 
 you made an effort, too, to get me the pay I now receive. 
 Perhaps — startling thought ! — you will be writing to me for 
 "five or ten per cent." of that humble income ! Don't try it, 
 Charles ; you wouldn't get it, I assure you. 
 
 As to your making an effort, that's all nonsense. Every 
 body makes efforts now-a-days. Every body that ever I 
 read of, except Mrs. Dombey, made an effort ; and if my 
 grandmother were to die and leave me a thousand dollars, 
 you might, with equal propriety, inform me that you made 
 an effort for that venerable person's decease, and claim " five 
 or ten per cent." of that amount of property, as to humbug 
 me with your making efforts to influence Congress, who, as I 
 said before, I solemnly believe is independent of all the ef- 
 forts of all the Notary Publics in all Washington. 
 
 From these two considerations, I conclude that you have 
 
274 INTERESTING COHRESPONDENCE, 
 
 no claim or sliadow of a claim on me, but that your proposal 
 is merely a request for charity, to the amount of " five or 
 ten per cent." on the small sum that you, living in Washing- 
 ton, and watching the signs of Hxb times, begin to believe 
 Congress is going to allow me. This charity I shall decline 
 bestowing, for three good and sufficient reasons : 
 
 1st. I am very poor myself. 
 
 2d. I have a family to support on $89 83 a month, which 
 isn't such a tremendous income, in a country where flour is 
 $30 per barrel. 
 
 3d. I'll see you first, giving you full permission to 
 
 fill the blank with any kind aspiration for your future well- 
 fare and happiness, that may occur to you, and that you 
 may deem appropriate. 
 
 Farewell, Charles — remember me kindly to " a number 
 of officers stationed in Texas," when you write. Invest 
 properly and judiciously, the " five or ten per cents " you get 
 from them — in your future efforts forget me, and remem- 
 ber to 
 
 "Be virtuous and you will be happy." 
 Adieu, 
 
 Yours respectively, 
 , Lieut. U. S. A. 
 
 To C. D. Esquire, Opposite Odd Fellows' Hall, General Agent, 
 Notary Public, Commissioner of Deeds, and U. S. Commissioner 
 for allthe States in the Union and Elsewhere! 
 
 THE EXTREMITY. 
 
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 ful man in a six months'' tour. The literary execution of Mr. M'mtwn'a 
 booh is of a high M'der, and, altogether, we consider it a timely and important 
 cor.tribution to our stoch of meritorious worhs.^'' — Boston Journal. 
 
 Le Cabinet cles Fees ; or, Eecreative Keadings. 
 
 Arranged for the Express Use of Students in French. By Georgh 
 S. Gerard, A. M., Prof, of French and Literature. 1 vol. 12mo.$l 
 
 ^^ Jfter an experience of many years in teaching, toe are convinced that 
 euchworhsastheAdvmtures of Telemachusand the History of Charles XII., 
 despite their incontestable beauty of style and richness of material, are tod- 
 difficylt for beginners, even of mature age. Such tvorhs, too, consisting of a 
 eoKtlnuous narrative, present to most students the discouraging prospect of a 
 formidable undertaking, which they fear icill iiever be oompleted." ^Ext&a^ 
 tBOM Preface. 
 
D. AFPLETON S 00:s PUBLIOATIOJfS. 
 The History o^ Civilization in England. By Henri 
 
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 Whoever misses reading this Ijook^ will miss reading what is, in vainout 
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 reading for a good deal. Let the reader he as adverse as he may to tJa 
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 to the progress party, let him he as oi'thodox in church creed, as the other ia 
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 whistled down the wind, — still, there is so much in this extraordinary xiolume 
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 we may fairly defy the most hostile spirit, the most mistrustful and least 
 .'sympathetic, to read it through without lelng glad of having done so, or., 
 having hegun it, or even glanced at almost any one of its ^^4: pages, to pass it 
 away unread. — New Monthly (London) Magazine. 
 
 Legends and Lyrics. By Anne Adelaide Prootor, (Daugliter 
 of the Poet, Barry Cornwall.) One very neat volume, 12mo. 
 Second edition. 15 cents. 
 
 77iis is the charming volume of fresh and tender poems, hy the daughter of 
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 As tlie New- Fork correspondent of The Boston Transcript enthusiastic- 
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 the old English dramatists, the ode writers of the reign of Anne and Charles, 
 the purest disciples of hei'oic verse, the Lakists, the Byronlc school — 
 Wordsworth and Dryden, Mrs. Eemans and Scott, Shakspeare and Hartley 
 Coleridge have made precious to soul and sense, are herein hrought together ; 
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 A. Text Book of Vegetable and Animal Plijslology 
 
 Designed for the use of Schools, Seminaries and Colleges in tlia 
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 " Tlic attempt to teach only Human Physiology, like a similar pro- 
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 " Throughout the accompanying pages, this principle hasoeen kept steadily 
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 field of physiology, and, for ivant of space, fail to do justice to any part of 
 i^"— Extract fkoh Preface. 
 
 The PliYsiologT of Common Life. By Geoege Hexrv 
 
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 Just Eeady. Price %\. 
 
 EXTEACT FEOM PEOSPECTUS. 
 
 No scientific subject can he so important to Man as that of his own Life. 
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 seen to endure it ivithout apparent harm"; a third concludes that '•Ht is all 
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 of " Ministering Children." 1 vol., 12ma., with Two Eng's., $1. 
 Of the " Ministering Children," (the author's previous work,) 
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 riade attractive and. easy in tlie attractive pages of this author. To do good, 
 to teach others hoio to do good, to render the home circle and the neighborhood 
 glad with the voice and hand of Christian charity, is the ciim of the author.^ 
 who has great ptower of descriprtlon, a genuine love for evangelical religio*^ 
 And blends instruction with t/ie story, so as to give charTn to all hir boohs.^*^ 
 
 H. Y. OU-SERVER. 
 
BOOKS 
 
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 "The first of her vtritings v^hich:mai)E a sensation here was the 
 « Heir,' and what a sensation it was ! Referring to the remains of the 
 
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MRS. GASKEaX'S MEMOIRS OF CUREEB BELI. 
 
 D. APPLETOIT & CO., 316 & 348 BEOADWAY, 
 
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 THE LIFE OF CHARLOTTE BRONTE, 
 
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 and a fac-simile of hand-writing of Miss Bronte. 
 
 Li One Volume, 12 '?w., cloth, $1. 
 
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 "The story of a woman's life unfolded in this book is cnlculated to make the old 
 feel young and the young old. By all, this book will be read with interest. As a work 
 of art, we do not recollect a life of a woman by a woman so well executed. The mate- 
 rials were not large, and the difficulties of selection Avere obvious." 
 
 " Protracted life and success, and increased experience with what is best in society 
 (not what is most convenient in observance), might have ripened, and mellowed, and 
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 love, (a little, also, of defence) — and who, we repeat, has produced one of the best 
 biographies of a woman by a woman which wo can recall to mind." 
 
 From the N. Y. Tribune. 
 
 "Strong in its intense individuality, bold and self-sustaining in the absence of wide 
 and tender sympathies, and of a deeply tragic cast from purely impersonal causes, the life 
 of Charlotte Bronti.', as portrayed in these volumes by her congenial biographer, has not 
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 moirs, had before her a task of uncommon delicacy. The vein of bitterness, the pic- 
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 the writings of Currer Bell, had their foundation in her own experience, were the 
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 herself with fidelity to tho truth, with commendable frankness of statement where 
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 Extract from a Review of the "Heir of Redclyflfe" and 
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