^ \ \> * JA^^/)n % / v' ^^" ,\V '^.> ' '/*-. •^c^ ^ ~- V '> % '?.- ^ ^ : -> c,-' -- - ^^ ^■■' - - "'^^..^^^^ .v\> •^.^^^v^^ ?/. '" > ^"^ c^'' ^^' - -o^ OO,. ^^ ^c^ • 'O ■><> f -/^ , ■ f/ C •■ .,./ ■«. y, ^ - ^ ^. -' ■,' if ^^-^ ^*^ **-, * .%'* vO< .^ -^<^. :^' ^Sr v>'!- ^ K' ..^ ^^\ ^S^ oo^ %\ "^ v^ Sj5 --% [\ o 1 * " / xO °- ,^"^ .a'-^' ^^.li^ •A .; ^'^• •>^^■■ ^^. ^^^ .>^% INTERVIKWS WITH A MONOCLE BY ,/ LEOPOLD JORDAN san francisco: The Whitaker & Ray Co. (incorporated) 1902 New York : Chicago : WM. B. HARISON a. C. McCLURG & CO. 65 E. 59th St. Wabash Ave. JTHE LIS??ARY «lFl j CONe«»£SS, f I APR. f 1902 ' COPYHitlHT 6NTBy CLAst a. )«(o f^ copy a Copyright 1902 BY I^EOPOLD JORDAN TO THE PUBLIC. In presenting the Unpublished, and the Published, In- terviews with the Monocle as they did not, and as they did, appear in The Daily Inflated, the compiler begs to make no excuse other than his determination to show the Mon- ocle's good, sound, common-sense in refusing to give an opinion of this Great Nation until first becoming familiar with the People's Institutions and the People themselves. The discarded Interviews which appear in the first part of the book, and which were found in The Inflated* s waste- paper basket, are nothing more than a set of evasive va- porings effused, evidently, in the hope of freedom from questions which could not be intelligently answered by an utter stranger just arrived at the Metropolitan gates of these vast United States of America. In the second part, however, the compiler has taken, with the sanction and courtesy of The Inflated' s propri- etary, the Interviews as given by the Monocle after return- ing from a long tour of the country. Those Interviews, which created no little controversy within certain political rings and among disturbers of Peace and Order, have been especially chosen for reproduction. Vi I CONTENTS. PAGE. The Monocle Arrives (Announcement by The Inflated) 9 INTERVIEWS AND MATTER DISCOVERED IN THE WASTE PAPER BASKET. The Monocle, asked about the United States, their National and Civic Governments and Statue of Liberty, refuses to be interviewed on the subject and, instead, proves how successfully a battle could be conducted by Editors from editorial quarters 11 The Monocle evades questions pertaining to the U. S. A. and talks of a growing evil 19 The Monocle, still obstinate, interviews the Interviewer and has much to say about Mother-in-law, which matter leads to the reporter's instant dismissal 26 The Monocle receives a visit from The Inflated's editor-in-chief, Mr. Spikem, and dodging the questions of the eminent journalist, gives a startling opinion about the Auto- mobile 35 The Monocle having successfully avoided giving an opinion of the U. S. A. and their National and Municipal Govern- ments and Statue of Liberty to Editor Spikem, encount- ers, in turn, the Poet-Editor, Mr. Nebuchadnezzar Inkey, who hears strange advice on travel 39 The Monocle causes tumultuous topsy-turvydom in the office of The Daily Inflated, and is the means of sending the wife and servant and one cat, belonging to the Editor, into a swoon 49 The Monocle starts upon a journey through the States and Editor Stunts, failing to nail the Monocle down to an opinion of this country, is compelled to listen to matter so irrelevant and so irrational that it finds its way, like the preceding Interviews, to the waste paper basket ... 54 CONTENTS— (7onft^ti/ed. PAGE. The Monocle gone, Editor Stunts tarries awhile, then mistakes an Undertaker's Establishment for his office. His brother Editors arrive at a sad conclusion 59 PART II. THE INTERVIEWS AS THEY APPEARED IN THE INFLATED The Monocle returns and now gives important interviews. Scores defamers of public men of the States and has a word or two to say about our Freedom and Equality , . 67 The Monocle gives valuable advice as to the disposal of those who come to the U. S. A. to make a living 74 The Monocles views on the living of the T>oor of the Metrop- polis of the U. S. A 86 The Monocle assails prodigious gifts of libraries while the tenements and dwellings of the unfortunate are kept in a disgraceful condition 90 The Monocle finds a lack of a proper Administration of Justice. INEQUALITY, INJUSTICE, LYNCHINGS and so- called "Stealing of Franchises" considered 95 The Monocle pays the HIGHEST HOMAGE TO OUR MAR- TYRED PRESIDENT, CONDEMNS SCANDAL, RI- BALDRY AND INFLAMMATORY RHETORIC 104 The Monocle denounces our Police Court methods 114 The Monocle discusses an important OFFICIAL MILITARY ORDER ISSUED with the object of improving the Con- duct of our SOLDIERS 120 The Monocle declares that the RICH MAN IS THE FRIEND OF THE POOR, and CONDEMNS AGITATORS AND DISTURBERS 126 The Mo^vocle reviews the Immigration Report 129 The Monocle's last word before departing for Happy Old Eng- land 132 THE ARRIVAL of the MONOCLE. PERSISTENT REFUSAL TO BE INTER- VIEWED UNTIL FIRST HAVING SEEN THE COUNTRY. JSJrt^riS'dS'^St. Ci>e Daily umm '■« ^-p-'-- -«p«" Vol XXIV. New York, Thursday, February 14th, 1901 Price 5 Cents THE MONOCLE ARRIVES ON THE ARROW LINE STEAMER DART— THE DISTINGUISHED VISITOR GRACIOUSLY RECEIVES THE DAILY IN FLAT ED' 8 REPRE- SENTATIVE. Among the arrivals on the Arrow Line Steamer, Dart, last evening was the Monocle. The steamer was several hours over due owing to Cap- tain Sensible absolutely refusing to hurry his vessel with its precious souls aboard through a dense fog. The pas- sengers, appreciating the care and vigilance of Captain Sensible, presented him with a testimonial setting forth his worth as an efficient and painstaking skipper. Those most prominent of the three hundred saloon passengers were, besides the Monocle, Lord and Lady Algernon Pompcourt, who are here on an extended tour of the States ; Mr. George Henry Bragg, a multi-millionaire of Allegheny ; Miss Par- manta Sharp, the eminent young American prima donna who recently created so great a furore in London musical circles, and who is under engagement to sing during the coming season in the enormously successful opera "Ratan- zoo,'^ by the Russian composer, Joyvitivitch ; Mrs. D'Alroy Sebastian Jones, wife of D'Alroy Sebastian Jones, the Wall street magnate; and Mr. Sandy McPherson, whose philanthropy has amazed two continents. During the trip a concert was given in the saloon on the evening of the 12th inst., in aid of the Sailors' Widows' Fund, when the munifi- cent sum of thirty-two dollars and fifty-two cents was col- lected. 10 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE As the Monocle glided down the gang-plank to be custom- officered, The Inflated' s representative caught it in time to save it from an inglorious fall over a banana peel which had been carelessly thrown on the dock. After expressing its profound gratitude that it was saved from a most em- barrassing position upon touching for the first time the soil of the American continent;, the Monocle, while refusing to say anything for publication at present, consented to re- ceive The Inflated' s representative later, when a full and exhaustive and exclusive opinion of this country may be looked for in these columns. EEJECTED INTERVIEW 1.— {Impracticable.) WEIRD INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE PICKED FROM WASTE PAPER BASKET— REPORTERS AND EDITORIAL STAFF OF TEE DAILY INFLATED KEPT IN HIGHLY NERV- OUS STATE— i¥0i\^0(7X^ IS STUB- BORN, PRESS INSISTENT. "You will really have to excuse me/' said the Monocle when seen by a reporter of The Daily Inflated; "the fact is I have never given an interview and, while appreciating your call, must decline to say anything for publication/' "But," interposed Mr. Smart, the newspaperman, "the visit to our shores, to our great Republic, of one so ex- clusive as yourself has naturally created an incentive to study, impartially and without bias, our very own free- born as well as those free and easy wards we have as- similated even deep in the very vitals of our Nation." "You have a great land, have you not?" asked the Monocle with an evident desire to dodge the question. "That I would, myself, ask you," said the reporter. "And very fertile and rich and extensive, is it not?" again questioned the Monocle. "Really, I prefer to have your opinion and impressions," declared the newspaperman; "and while I would disown any idea of being personal, may I ask whether you are not a wee bit of a cynic ?" "There you are in error," declared the Monocle. "I am not a morsel cynical. I have implored myself, at least, to adopt a cynicism, but said I to myself, ^No! cynicism is 12 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE tommyrot, cynics are fools and life is too short to believe in 'isms/ Why upset the even tenor of my way ?' I ask my- self. Then to counteract that very plausible philosophy, I ask myself, 'What use even is there in being even ? Be odd all the time.' And pursuing further my philosophical strain, I conclude that being a Monocle I am decidedly an odd number; but, even so, I will reserve to myself the right to deny myself the oddity of cynicism. Then, again, I be- lieve in charity and self-preservation; for instance, peo- ple, I take it, who live in glass houses should refrain from bombarding their neighbors' crystal residences with brick- bats; nor should a glass eye, nor the glass which focuses for a dilapidated eye, attempt promiscuously to use a pea- shooter in a throng where glass eyes and eyeglasses are mostly conspicuous." "Philosophical, I'm sure," agreed the scribe, "but, I should esteem it a favor if you would give me your impres- sions of this gigantic Country and its National, State, and Civic Governments and Statue of Liberty." "Ah, young man," declaimed the Monocle with one of those austere glances that only a Monocle can assume, ^'you ask for my impressions ! You, yourself, are capable, I am certain, of answering the questions you would put to me, and I, therefore, beg of you to give me your own impressions of your own country and your own people, your own institutions and your own statesmen, your own poli- ticians and your own corruptionists and corrupted." "My dear Monocle/' replied the newspaperman with a show of irritation and a glance at his watch, "you are very good, but you will understand that I am here not to give, but to take away impressions." "Sir," rejoined the Monocle, with an exhibition of dis- pleasure and a right flank movement, which brought it in such a position with the sun that the reflection almost in- jured the sight of The Inflated' fi anxious representative, REJECTED la "Sir, you warned me that it is your wish to take away im- pressions. Now there are many kinds of impressions: there is the impression of words, and there is, also, the impression of acts. The acts which impress are numerous and of varying description. There is the impression made by the eye. A sharp, penetrating eye can make a lasting record on the soul ; there is the impression made by words. A single word can so cut that the lacerated impression on the heart can never heal; there is the impression by touch or act, otherwise, the abrupt contact of the toe of the boot against a portion of the anatomy which, when sufficiently forcible, makes an impression long-lasting and that is the impression you may carry away.^^ "My dear Monocle/' put in the reporter, "you are taking on a slight irritation which were it emanating from an- other I would not forgive so easily. Again, were I to al- low my vitriolic anger full play you would be shattered and our friendship could never be repaired.^^ The Monocle glared severely, and almost forbiddingly at the reporter, who, observing its wrath, came to the con- clusion that if he desired to get an interview, he must rub the Monocle with a chamois-leather diplomacy. "Shake,^' said the newspaperman, extending his hand. "Sir,^^ returned the Monocle, satirically, " I cannot allow myself to be smeared.'^ "You are still on the offensive," said the newspaperman in a rather conciliatory tone. "I'm on the offensive if you will it so," the Monocle re- plied, somewhat tartly. "Pardon me, but you are the most aggressive Monocle I ever met," declared the newspaperman with a grin. "But I like you for it. You who are aggressive are, at least, honest." "It is good of you to say so much," replied the Monocle, "and I applaud your acumen." 14 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE ^Then we are agreed on two points, at any rate," said the newspaperman, "and having got so far, will you not throw out your reflections?" "My dear Mr. Smart, I will throw out nothing, not even you," declared the Monocle. The newspaperman arose from his seat and made a most profound obeisance. "Before we go any further," the news-gatherer resumed, "will you, my dear Monocle, inform me for the benefit of the uninitiated, of your use in the world ?" "Certainly," cried the Mo7iocle, "and most readily. Well, to commence, I at once admit the honor I feel in being en- abled to empty my glass of its acknowledgments of the learning which you in your unfathomable intellect as a journalist represent," ("Here, here!" from the audience). "In you I see represented a vast multitude of brains (cheers from the audience) ; the exponent of physiology, psychology, physics and philosophy ! In you I behold the leader of wars, or I ought to say, you should be the leader, since thousands of miles from the field of battle, thousands of leagues from the theater of war, far away from the geographical eccentricities of the seat of campaign, re- mcte from the turbulent thunders of belching, shelling cannon and piercing bayonet, unfettered by the chances of sudden and terrible attack, you direct, not from the regi- mental columns, but from the leaded columns of your on- slaughting paper, the tactics that in your supreme judg- ment should have been, or should be followed; planning out the way to win certain victory by divining the exact moment when a skillful movement forward or retreat could, can or should, save the honor of the nation. Are you then not all wonderful ? Though I am convex I do not magnify your value ! I place it before your humble self in its true, unmagnified form, knowing well that you hardly ever dreamed of your own inestimable importance to mankind. REJECTED 16 (Vociferous cheers from the audience.) Your tactical skill in directing an army on the battlefield, thousands of miles away from the base of supplies (your supplies being the death-dealing, soul-piercing pens, the gory inks and ex- plosive paper), would be as heroic as it would be patriotic, and successful as it would be startling. I take it as a short- sighted piece of business that the government (I am speak- ing of no particular government, but of any government) should not retain and elect each editor of each metropolitan journal and designate him, for instance, ^The War Editor Commanding From Afar,^ the same government giving him power to pour forth volleys of war-like literature with a title such as this: MANUAL OF THE EDITOR COMMANDING FROM AFAR: DIRECTIONS ON DISCIPLINE BEFORE THE ENEMY AND BEHIND HIM; HOW TO MAKE ANY FLANK MOVEMENT AND WHEN; ADVICE AS TO HOW THE ARMY SHOULD SHOOT THE CHUTES AS WELL AS THE ENEMY; SHARP POINTERS AS TO THE BAYONET AND ITS ILL USES; THE ADVANTAGES OF SMOKELESS POWDER OVER CIGARETTE LYDDITE; THE WAY TO AVOID BEING CAPTURED, AND HOW NEVER TO BE TAKEN BY SURPRISE; PROOFS PROVING THAT IF YOU WALK INTO THE ENEMY'S ARMS IT DOES NOT DENOTE AN AFFECTIONATE DISPLAY OF WARFARE; 16 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE SCHEME FOE CAPTUEING STAMPEDING MULES WITHOUT PUTTING SALT ON THEIE TAILS. "Now, what do you think of that for one reflection?^' asked the Monocle. "It's a dazzler/' cried the newspaperman. "Ah, my dear Mr. Smart, a little while ago you asked of what use I am. Now you may have some faint idea. You can see I appreciate the military shortcomings of the age for one thing, and you must have concluded from my remarks that I am the original devisor of a scheme that would assure efficient generalship and glory for any army, at the same time giving the editors the chance of their lives. I mean that in more ways than one: — First: A public prominence and the consequent encumbrance of a sure and steady income; and second: Immunity from actual annihilation while in actual and active command.'' (Vehement cheers from the audience.) "Have you stopped to consider the possible, nay, prob- able, mix-up there would be on the field of battle conse- quent upon the diversity and contradiction of orders com- ing from so many sources of communication at one and the same time?'' asked the newspaperman. "Now you are questioning at random and without that inspired authority which in your brilliant calling is syn- dically your own," declared the Monocle. "It is that very contradiction and diversity of orders issued from so many and distinctly eccentric and separate sources that must prove of inestimable value to the general commanding the forces." "I am not quite clear on that point," said the newspaper- man, much perplexed. "Not quite clear !" echoed the irrepressible Monocle REJECTED 17 with a touch of disdain in its tone. "Why, my good sir, can^t you see the advantage at a glance?'^ "Could I see through the same glass as yourself I might then discover the advantage; as it is, I must leave you to explain/^ "Then, sir, as I before said, the advantage to the army would rest entirely in the contradiction of orders emanating from the learned editors. The orders from those gentlemen would be received on the battle-field thick and fast. No two orders would be alike, and as quickly received and given so the force would act. Movements would necessarily be of the most eccentrically what-are-you-going-to-do-next description; for instance: If one editor were to wire to move the men forward in solid body while another wired retreat, and another advised a right-flank movement, and another ordered a march in open order and a charge to the north; while others wired to attack on the south, the east and west, don't you see that the enemy would become so dazed, so perplexed and so rattled, as it were, at the vari- ous movements, that they wouldn't know what to do be^ cause not knowing what you are going to do T^ The reporter reflectively scratched his head. "The present mode of warfare is a farce !'' screeched the Monocle. "A knows what B is going to do ! He is watch- ing him and is quite positive he will come on in this direc- tion or that. But if B makes a thousand different moves through a thousand different orders from a thousand differ- ent editors, A will become so jarred that he won't know where he's at. Talk about the famous charge of the Light Brigade, the idealized Six Hundred, with cannons to right of them, cannons to left of them, cannons in front of them and behind them! Pshaw! All that would fade as an achievement of the very pleasant past, while the war plan which I formulate, or, I should say, which the editors would direct, would mean cannons simultaneously on top 17-2 18 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE and away from them, bayonets piercing and nnpiercing, stampedes and charges, no sooner would a thing be done than it would be undone; marches commenced and halted, cannons made to roar, then muzzled, no relaxation, shells sent whizzing right, left and all directions, on, on ! Move- ments continued with increasing vigor, retreats and charges, charges and retreats pell mell, then re-charges, out- flanking, into the trenches, out again, charges up the moun- tain side and retreat to make a flanking movement, then a charge up the mountain to the summit and down again, the while pouring volleys of bullets and balls into the enemy. None must stop but scatter, scatter, scatter, tangle and untangle, shoot fire, thunder, thrust, pierce and slash until the enemy, or what is left of them, are worn out with thinking/^ The reporter took a deep breath and still reflectively scratched his head. "As far as I can see,'' suggested Mr. Smart, "it would be all higgledy-piggledy." "Good ?' cried the Monocle, "you have it I Mix up the army higgledy-piggledy and the enemy must be gloriously outwitted r "Outwitted,'' agreed the reporter. "That's exactly what might be expected from editorial orders — Outwitted !" The interview ended there and the reporter went out into the open air still reflectively scratching his head. When Mr. Smart returned to the editorial sanctum there was a war-like discussion, when the Editor-in-Chief was heard to say, "Outwitted ! Hem ! Outwitted the enemy ! Tush ! The Monocle has outwitted you, sir, and since you could not bring in a decent interview with the distinguished visitor, from this instant there is a vacancy, sir, on the staff of The Daily Inflated r REJECTED INTEEVIEW 11.— (Irrelevant) THE MONOCLE PEEPLEXES MR. BULLDOZER. TAKES A FIRM STAND AGAINST THE USE OF HYPODERMIC INJECTIONS OF MOR- PHINE AND LAYS THE BLAME OF THEIR TOO FREQUENT AND OFTEN UNNECESSARY USE TO THE DOCTORS. The unfortunate reporter having proved his inability to bring in the desired interview with the Monocle as to its impressions of the United States of America, their Na- tional, State and Civic Oovernments and the Statue of Liberty, the Editor-in-Chief the following morning as- signed the dapper Mr. John Henry Bulldozer to the task of drawing from the visitor at least, as he said, a sane talk, a comprehensive talk, that would be esteemed by the six mill- ion daily readers of The Daily Inflated. Bulldozer had been on the distinguished journal some years and had gained the confidence of the outside world as well as the entire approval of those of the sacred sanctum of The Daily Inflated. Indeed, so wrapped up was Bull- dozer in the inner workings of social life and so apt was every one to confide in him that he was known to his as- sociates and colleagues as "the confidence man." It mattered little to Bulldozer whether politician or patriot, social despot or the monej^ed magnate, archbishop or deacon, vestryman or verger, or matron or spinster, he would succeed, if on an errand for his paper, in obtaining an interview. If refused, he would sternly remind the party having the temerity to deny him, that he had no 20 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE desire to print a garbled version of the story as had been told him second hand, therefore, ^twere better to get the facts from the fountain head — unpolluted and clear. Who would have refused the reporter an interview after pre- senting so equitable and philosophical an argument? Bulldozer called upon the Monocle. He gave his card to a pompous clerk at the desk of the hotel and the pomp- ous clerk forthwith sent it to the Monocle through the hands and by the grace of an ultra-pompous boy in but- tons. The Monocle consented to see Mr. Bulldozer. "I thought," said the Monocle, after the usual courtesies had been exchanged, ^^that a representative of The Inflated interviewed me yesterday.'^ "Quite so," replied Mr. Bulldozer. "Quite so; but we fear he hadn't you quite right. His matter, instead of dealing with your valued opinion of the United States of America, their National and Civic Governments and the Statue of Liberty, merely credited you with a wild and ex- travagant account of some war-like suggestions which we feared were the result of a brain, his brain, which, last summer, suffered from a sunstroke." "That interview, sir, I gave, and as I have never ex- perienced a sunstroke I conclude that my utterances were perfectly sound and normal," replied the Monocle. "You have done your colleague an injustice. Can't he be re- instated?" "No, sir. He's a disappointment. That being so, may I ask you now for any conclusions you, of course, have come to. concerning these United States of America, their National and Civic Governments and the Statue of Lib- erty?" "Don't 3^ou think it would be rather premature?" asked the Monocle. "I have really had so little time to look over your continent in the twenty-four hours I have been here." REJECTED 21 "You have been on the soil of the Free and in the home of the Brave long enough to form an opinion/' the news- paperman answered with an air of sublime authority and swelling pride; "and," he continued, "you know how much your views would be relished by the six and one-half mill- ion readers of The Daily Morning Inflated/' "I understood yesterday that your circulation was but six million/' said the Monocle. "The strides of The Daily Morning Inflated outpace any- thing else in the world, sir. It jumped a half million yes- terday," declared the newspaperman with a severe and an- tagonistically stern air which might have upset the equilib- rium of any other but the Monocle. "You don't hypo ?" asked the Monocle, looking ax the re- porter with a doubtful glance. "Hypo?" repeated the newspaperman. "What do you mean by hypo?" "Pardon my abbreviating/' replied the Monocle; "I caught it in the atmosphere. I ought to have said, you do not hypodermic?" "Hypodermic !" interrupted Bulldozer with a disdainful toss of the head which resembled the attitude of a horse suddenly pulled up by the curb. "A most extraordinary suggestion I am sure," put in Bulldozer. "Possibly so," agreed the Monocle. "Many things are extraordinary in these days; indeed, it is an extraordinary period. While there is much common sense floating around, yet the world is being deluged with blithering imbeciles — with the irresponsibles and impossibles. But first let me say that when I suggested the probable use of the needle in your case, it was owing to that half million jump in the circulation of The Inflated. Yes, I saw in your assertion the eccentricity and extravagance that I have before ob- served emanating from a brain under the power of some foreign influence." 22 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE "Then you question my statement ?^^ put in the news- paperman with anger. "Eemember, sir, there is nothing too great for The Inflated to accomplish. But I am here not to argue but to ascertain your view on these United States of America, their ]^ational and Civic Governments and the Statue of Liberty !" "Yes, yes,^' interrupted the Monocle, "having, by asser- tion and declaration prompted me on a subject of live im- portance — the use of narcotics and all it implies, I, with your permission, would like to say a few w^ords on the mo- mentous question.'^ The newspaperman attempted to speak but the Monocle denied him the privilege. "On my travels,^^ commenced the Monocle, "I have met other dreamers " "If you insinuate that I am a dreamer, sir," interrupted Bulldozer once more "Tut, tut," interrupted the Monocle in turn and with a fine show of superior authority; "tut, tut, young man. again I repeat that on my travels I have met other dream- ers, those, my boy, whose mental extravagances and eccen- tricities are due, alone, to the use, one way or the other, of hellish drugs. I have gathered data of a most startling, if not revolting, nature. I find then that there is a growing crime — a wrong that is eating into and sapping the mental powers, reducing the glorious strength of body and mind, threatening future generations, a habit that is weeding out from society many of its best, a pernicious and mur- derous enemy, a creepy, ugly thing, that should be arrested and sentenced to disuse without delay — I mean, my dear Mr. Bulldozer, the indiscriminate use of the hypodermic injection, the opiates prescribed by many gentlemen of the medical profession in instances where they should never be given. I have heard women cry for the insidious needle to alleviate the most common and easily treated physical REJECTED 23 pains, and why? Because, in nine cases out of twelve the medical practitioner humors his patient to the nse of the brain-destroying serpent, and the habit grows, my dear Bulldozer, until the most trivial excuse is given for its use. How many are there now who are complete mental wrecks through that abuse? No, you don't know. Of course you don't. The use of the needle is so prevalent to- day that thousands having become acquainted with the mode of administering the jab, in their privacy, actually, and with consummate skill, use it upon themselves. But let me say in fairness to the conservative practitioner, that I have known many of them to refuse, point blank, to give the sought-for ^jab,' and to deplore its use and the craving for it where it has grown into a habit. And I have heard those same conservative practitioners condemn the skilless medical men who have needlessly accustomed their patients to its use. Yes, my dear Bulldozer, it is a notorious fact that the hypodermic injection of morphine is actually ad- ministered just to please the patient. When it becomes an appetite, a craving grown from the initial indiscreet and needless administrations, the future of the victim is terribly dark." "My dear Monocle,'' ventured the newspaperman, "I am with you on this subject and I, too, deplore the growing evil you illustrate, but I came on an errand involving a very dif- ferent subject — your view " "Mr. Bulldozer," interrupted the Monocle, "you can see the importance of my remarks and the caution they are intended to convey. We must all deplore this growing abuse, a crime that is taking a far-spreading root; indeed, it has, I fear, already borne seed that threatens disaster by undermining the foundation upon which rests the life of many a good soul." "Noble sentiments I am sure," said Mr. Bulldozer, "but what opinion have you formed about these United States 24 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE of America, their National and Civic Governments and the Statue of Liberty? That is the question," declared the newspaperman. "And let me warn those who are dangerously near the edge of the precipice," continued the Monocle, "those who are on the verge of trundling down into the gaping, ugly, forbidding chasm; let me warn such of their ultimate fate — one of pitiable mental destruction ! And the worst of all is the dangerous influence of the ^jab' fiend, who readily makes, and apparently lives to make, fiends of others, in- viting those who are strangers to the use of the injection to try it — consequently, from the pupil grows the adept. You would ask me what remedy I have to meet the evil. The remedy, Mr. Bulldozer, rests with those who in the first place, or instance, employ the drug as a means of allay- ing a pain that could be relieved by agencies which are harmless, though, possibly, slower in giving the relief needed. It is the too ready use of the hypodermic injec- tion that we must deplore. It is used in trivial cases and in trivial cases it should never be resorted to. In this opin- ion every medical man of repute will coincide. At any rate it is a question of much moment and a matter, too, that should be threshed out in the assemblies of the sons of Aesculapius. Let me say here that those medical men who unnecessarily administer opiates, are just as deserving of public censure and discipline as the gentleman behind the bar who continues to concoct strong beverages for his customer, when he knows that every extra drink is tending to make, a beastly drunkard of him." In spite of Mr. Bulldozer's polite, if energetic efforts to get a word in edgewise, the Monocle retired with a dig- nified "Good night!" Not deigning to take the plebeian elevator the Monocle took to the stairs instead and soon found itself in its own apartments. Bulldozer was for once nonplused. As he watched the retreating steps of the REJECTED 25 Monocle a harsh utterance issued from his lips which rather indicated his disappointment. "There is no use my manipulating an interview," said he to himself as he Journeyed toward the office, "for if I did so it would only be contradicted in The High-Strung Lyre/' Needless to say, the editorial department of The Daily Inflated acted decidedly grumpy when Bulldozer admitted his inability to draw out from the Monocle the much sought interview. Bulldozer, the cherished hope of The Inflated, had at last failed. Every man meets his Water- loo some day or other. Hoping to soothe his angered chief he handed in copy bearing on the Monocle* s opinion on the too prevalent and criminal use of the hypodermic injection, but the astonished editors only looked at him askance, and, with pity, muttered, "I wonder what number green pill he takes.'^ REJECTED INTERVIEW 111.— {Inexplicable.) THE MONOCLE IS STILL OBSTINATE AND DIS- CUSSES MOTHER-IN-LAW INSTEAD OE THE U. S. A.— THE REPORTER, SORELY TRIED, DISMISSED IN DISGRACE. The editors looked wisely doubtful at Bulldozer from that fatal moment. Bulldozer, their pet, Bulldozer, their stand- by. Bulldozer, their reportorial wonder, had met a set-back ! "Had he really given himself up to the use and abuse of a drug ?" they asked themselves. "Had he succumbed to the pernicious 'dope,^ and, in short, was it possible that he had made an egregious ass of himself ?" "Bulldozer shall have an opportunity to retrieve his lost laurels," suggested the news-editor. "I quite agree to that,'^ said the chief editor. And John Henry Bulldozer, really innocent of wrong, upright as ever, absolutely free from vice of any kind, dapper, shrewd, reliable, persistent John Henry was hence- forth to work under six pair of compassionate and tenderly watchful eyes, eyes that had for years beamed upon him with confidence, with gratitude and pride, and with a regard that was sublimely paternal. Yes, the editors were convinced in their own minds that the morphine craze had clearly got into the pride of The Inflated' s reportorial staff, and that he, in his dreamy moments, while under its in- fluence, had concocted a story relating to the terrible drug, and, what was worse, that John Henry had libelously at- tributed the weird interview to so great and upright a visitor to the free shores of the United States as the ex- clusive Monocle; thus placing the commercial gentleman REJECTED 27 who backed The Inflated in jeopardy of a suit for a stupen- dous sum. Therefore^, it was with no little fear, having got the idea fixed in their infallible editorial heads, that they allowed Bulldozer one more chance. They even went so far as to consult an eminent medical expert on brain disorders, with the object, of course, of examining John Henry as to his mental condition. This action the martyr resented but in order to hold his position, and being sure that the doc- tor would report in his favor, he consented. At the time the doctor called to see Bulldozer, it was unfortunate for him that he had just come out of a wordy battle v/ith his landlady, who had demanded of him a small sum due her for room, board, laundry and a few more similar trifles. Bulldozer had grown white with rage through her per- emptory demand for what was justly due her. In this condition, the wise expert unfortunately caught him, and. without prior or subsequent knowledge of the righteous cause for his excitable and demonstrative anger, made a report to the aforesaid editors quite unfavorable to him. The doctor declared that he found Bulldozer's pulse high, very high; pupils of the eyes dilated, abnormally dilated; skin moist, very moist ; hands clammy, sticky and clammy, and his state generally, highly and sensitively nervous. Bulldozer, declared the learned physician, was unques- tionably under the influence of some foreign mental dis- turbing agent and he regretted, deeply regretted, after a careful examination, to report that the fears of the editors were warranted. But John Henry Bulldozer attended the assignment and once more sent his card to the Monocle, and once more an audience was granted. The meeting, so far as the Monocle was concerned, was extremely cordial; while Bulldozer, on the other hand, evinced a suUenness altogether out of keeping vvith his usual manner. 28 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE "I have come for that interview/^ snapped Bulldozer. "I want your views of these United States of America; your opinion as to her vast territory and her governments, both National, State and Civic; not forgetting the Statue of Liberty." "Very kind of you, indeed," replied the Monocle, "to put yourself out so much. I am deeply indebted to you for such consideration." The newspaperman showed much irritation. "I. looked through your columns this morning but failed to find a word of the interview I gave you yesterday," said the Monocle. "You surely didn't expect to see that matter reported?" asked the newspaperman with contempt plainly visible on the curve of his upper lip. "I really expected nothing," replied the Monocle, "YoUj I think it was who expected." "And got left," admitted the sagacious newspaperman, at the same time showing an unwonted impatience. Bulldozer now took from his pocket a roll of copy paper, and sitting forward in his chair, pointed the sharp point of a pencil at the Monocle, as though he had only to say, "Hi ! Presto !" and magically reveal its opinion to the expectant public. The Monocle was not what one might term hlase; yet there was a collected, nonchalant, reposeful air about it that plainly indicated its objection to be bored. "What was your first impression upon your arrival in New York?" asked the newspaperman, the pencil now pointed directly on the roll of paper with the object of ac- curately recording the valued first impression. "I don't know whether you have remarked it," com- menced the Monocle, quite ignoring the question, "but lovely woman is making great strides in the world; such REJECTED 29 strides, indeed, as to be actually walking all over poor, be- nighted man/^ Mr. Bulldozer's patience was now almost exhausted. Would he ever get the desired interview by fair means or must he choke, literally choke, the Monocle into submis- sion? Such were the ante-bellum thoughts which beat a tattoo on his f orensically anxious brain. "Your impressions on approaching the Battery were " "Woman,'' interrupted the Monocle, "is said to be the loveliest of all creation, and I'm with those who think so, who know so and who so declare." "When you arrived at the pier, did the deputation ?" "She may be dependent upon the man," interrupted the Monocle, "whose name she has condescended to adopt, yet in her conversation, her public speeches and outward de- meanor, what a glorious, Fourth-of-July Independence she shows to the world ! The idea of woman is suggested to my mind, by Mr. Bartholdi's Statue of Liberty. It seems to me that woman today is broader than ever, and stands out so prominently as actually to dwarf all else on the civilized globe. Now, my dear Mr. Bulldozer, she accepts an income from her hubby not for what the income can furnish and unfurnish, but simply as a right, and right she is every time." "Will you tell me how this country compares ?" "And," continued the Monocle, "if she chooses to add to the fixtures of your household the very ample and invari- ably docile domestic pet, the Mother-in-law, who should or dare, say 'Nay' to her? Woman's sphere is to-day the })0WGr, whichever way you look at it." "From what you have seen, do you favor a Eepublic or a Mon ?" "And, my dear sir," still continued the Monocle, "why should there exist a prejudice against the inevitable and watchful mother-in-law ? She is, you must admit, brimful 30 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE of solicitude for the child she has given into the keeping of brutal man; and she, having gone through it all, can give her daughter points, without which, the young woman would, of course, be sublimely happy in her matrimonial partnership." "Rave you, in your country, political despots; or, as we here call them, that is, in the States, 'political bosses ?' " asked the newspaperman, who, not having been able to get a reply so far, was commencing to show an inclination to- wards nervous prostration. "I, for one, and though I may stand alone, favor mother- in-law," declared the Mofwcle. "The lady, by virtue of her relationship to her daughter's matrimonial partner, can bring, and can talk more law than a dozen Philadelphia lawyers put together; hence the proper designation, 'Mother-in-law!' She, if she deems it necessary, advises separation with an accompanying alimony, or divorce with the same appendix-healing balm; which, I may say, has no relationship whatever to the vermiform appendix; the money-form appendix being of another family, and one that requires a peculiar operation, when excision is deemed necessary. There must, my dear Mr. Bulldozer, be a head to all governments; and the head of the household government could not be in more forcible hands than those of mother-in-law! She's a wonder, sir; a complete, com- plex, enigmatical wonder, whether in the civilized world, or in the yet untamed land of the cannibal." "Do you believe in this country expanding, otherwise colonizing ?" "Which reminds me of an incident," interrupted the Monocle once more, "that happened during a visit to the interior of Fiji, where I had the privilege of meeting King Cocoa of the tribe of Mugwumpies." "How did the reception of the Boer envoys by ?" REJECTED 31 . "His Majesty," went on the Monocle, cutting Mr. Bull- dozer decisively and shortly, "His Majesty had left his council chamber at the moment of my arrival, and follow- ing in his wake was a fleshy lady, whose age could not be seen through the darkness of her skin. She was pleading to His Gracious Majesty, but in vain. In a short while, a score of lusty, mahogany-fleshed warriors escorted her to be- neath two exceeding tall and skeleton-formed trees. In a jiffy, two of the stalwarts climbed to the top of the trees, and lowered two hempen ropes. With great expedition and little demonstration, albeit delicate care, those below twined the ropes around the arms and feet of the lady in question. She was tenderly hauled up to and placed in a rude hut which was planked and held between the trees. ^An ex- traordinaiy ceremony,' I thought; and in reply the gentle missionarj^, who was by my side, said: 'It is no use at all my attempting to chide the king. He will have his way in spite of all civilizing efforts. That poor woman is His Majesty's mother-in-law.' The explanation is very simple : Last night the king held a pow-pow, and, what in the language of the Mugwumpies is called a jamboree. The feast consisted of all that was most sumptuous — from a cannibal standpoint. The captain and the unfortunate crew of a sunken vessel had floated to land on kegs of rum. You can understand the results. Suffice it to say, that the king returned to his palace in a condition bordering on overfeeding and intoxication combined. Forthwith he at- tempted to, indeed, did actually chaff his solicitous spouse ; whereupon his mother-in-law, indignant beyond all bear- ing, did chide him much. She is now banished beyond all reach and succor other than that which will be mercifully delivered up to her by His Majesty's attendants on sev- eral occasions during the day. But she is denied com- munication with the earth, and must needs pass the re- mainder of her days up in an aerial altitude, below which 32 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE her influences cannot be felt. She is not even allowed a megaphone !" By this time, Mr. John Henry Bulldozer's face presented the appearance of a window pane in a hot-house — beads of perspiration trickled down it, and played a game of chase thereon. He despaired of ever being able to engage the Monocle in. the talk he had suggested. "Had he," he asked himself, "lost his grip on mankind ?" Tush, tushing such an idea, he decided to pursue his inquiries. "Will you, my dear Monocle, kindly give me your opin- ion on our Trusts and our so-called Monopolies T' "A mother-in-law is a trust and a monopoly; for you have to trust her whether you like it or not. She's a monopoly, sir, whether you like it or not, for she takes upon herself the right and privilege of dictatorship. If you don't believe it, get married — have a mother-in-law thrown in, and doubt her authority, and see where you'll land. You'll disappear from view as quickly as if you had ventured upon a quicksand. Mother-in-law is an ornament among your household fixtures," continued the Monocle, evidently warm- ing up to the subject. "She gives your hearth the semb- lance of solidity. How so? I'll tell you. Just drop to your butcher, your baker or your candle-stick maker, that mother-in-law (never omit the ^in-law') is a member of your household and you'll get substantial, unlimited, easy credit, and why ? Because your butcher and your baker and candle-stick maker are alive to the fact that no mother-in- law would dally an instant in the limited or larderless household of an impecunious son-in-law! She is, how- ever, no different from the rest of the world in preferring palaces, mansions and Italian villas with their accom- panying luxuries and wealth of surrounding. I have had a few mothers-in-law, and, speaking from experience, 1 can say of her that she is a wonder ! I wouldn't be with- out one. On all matters domestic she's a cellar-to-roof en- REJECTED 33 cyclopedia ! Ask anyone who is blessed with one. She knows how to arrange, distribute, disburse, dismantle, build, wreck, piece (do not read this Peace), patch, dash, smash, veneer, domineer, demand, subdue, imbue and make the very household creak, shake, tremble from the founda- tion up ! She offers to advise and devise ; plot and plan, and, as she says, all for the best. For instance : If you are permitted the blessing of a couple or so of infants, she, mother-in-law, can, I should say, will, advise as to their training ; indeed, at the risk of a wholesale upset, will take, or attempt to take, by threat or force, that matter into her own hands. You haven't a word to say in that trivial affair, any more than in any other domestic controversy. She releases you from worry on that score, and, upon my honor, you ought to be much obliged. She's a brick ! If you sug- gest the emplo3anent of a fair typewriter or a dark type- writer, a sallow typewriter or any complexion of a type- writer, in your office, mother-in-law will show your wife, her daughter, the inadvisability of employing the lady. Why? For the very simple reason, that being of a saving nature, she thinks one lady in the family quite enough. If your wife, her daughter, complains to her of any inatten- tion on your part, she elects herself arbiter, and gives her final decision against you, no matter how much in the right you may prove yourself to be. You must yield — YIELD ! And since there is no higher court to take it to, unless it is the divorce court (a retreat very much frequented of late years), the only thing left you to do, is to throw up the sponge. She has you, my boy, on every point. She's an iron-clad contract. When she puts her foot down, toe the line! There's nothing else left you to do. Just toe the line! Don't attempt to perform any stunts — she won't stand for them. With these few remarks, I'll bid you a very good day.'^ 33-3 34 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE And the Monocle disappeared, leaving Mr. Bulldozer utterly nonplused. Once again he returned to the editorial sanctum, and once again he admitted his inability to interview the Monocle regarding these United States of America, their K'ational and Civic Governments and the Statue of Lib- erty. There was a red hot conference between Mr. Bulldozer and his editors; whereupon the unhappy reporter humbly ventured to remark that he was prepared to write up the Monocle's valuable views on mother-in-law. The chief, thinking it all a dream, abruptly and finally dismissed the young man from their presence. EEJECTED IMTEEVIEW lY.— (Illusive.) THE EDITOE-IISr-CHIEF VISITS THE MONOCLE, HIS QUESTIONS DEXTEROUSLY DODGED AND THE MONOCLE GETS ONTO THE AUTOMOBILE. Doubted, fallen from grace, subjected to peremptory ex- pulsion from the honored staff of The Daily Inflated, with a stain on his escutcheon of one given to the use of opium or morphine, poor, misjudged Bulldozer retired to his 6x4 room to ponder over his shattered reputation. Mr. Eben- ezer Spikem, the Editor-in-Chief, now determined to inter- view the stranger, and on the morrow, did himself repair to the palatial hostelry. Mr. Spikem met the Monocle just as it was about to leave for a burr in an automobile. Placing his card and himself in front of the visitor he begged for a few moments' talk. The Monocle, with much gallantry, bowed the august editor to the smoking-room and became attentive and in- terested. "I have ventured to call upon you in view of the negli- gence and utter disinterestedness of two of our reporters, whom I venture to think, have not even seen you; to in- terview you and glean your valued impressions of these United States of America, their National and Municipal Govermnents and the Statue of Liberty.'' The Monocle assured Mr. Ebenezer Spikem that it had really seen his representatives. Mr. Spikem, thereupon, raised his bushy brows with a co-mingling of surprise and sorrow. 36 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE "This is, I believe, your first visit to the United States T' questioned Mr. Spikem. "The use of the automobile in your city is a matter for consideration/^ said the Monocle with absolute indifference so far as Mr. Spikem^s question was concerned. The editor, neverthless, emitted a self-satisfied cough and felt that he, the Editor-in-Chief of The Daily Inflated, had at last succeeded in pinning the Monocle to something tangible. "While comparisons are odious," said the editor, "I should, nevertheless, like you to give me your unbiased views on this continent and inform the general public where we, in your estimation, excel over all other countries." "As you saw, I was just about to take my morning elec- tric-propelling. The question of the hour is: ^Has the automobile come to remain ?' " "What first struck you on your arrival ?" "A cable car," promptly replied the Monocle. "But, re- ferring to the subject of automobilism, I can but conclude that the horse has at last been enabled to assert its vast superiority." "You, of course, noticed our Statue of Liberty?" in- quired Mr. Spikem. "Liberty ! What a glorious word, but what a multitude of crimes against humanity it protects. Like an umbrella in the rain, the wet will bespatter you no matter how large it is and though you live under the sheltering wings of Liberty, despotism, money-despotism, injustice and ras- cality will find a way to sneak in and contaminate and cor- rupt and degrade and unidealize. Eeverting to the auto- mobile, it does not say that because I am in one that I favor the mechanical perambulating in preference to the whole- some and invigorating spin and pleasure, which result from the driving of a spanking team. Oh, dear no ! One misses the forward movement of a horse; the clicking of the REJECTED 37 hoofs; the proud step and noble mien of the handsome animal. Instead, the automobile gives you the impression that you are being sent along, whereas human nature loves to be drawn along. It is against man's will to be shunted, as it were. He doesn't like to be pushed, whether it's to the wall or his natural destination. He prefers to be led, for man, since the inauguration of masculinity, has de- pended upon a leader, whether in domestics, politics, society or vehicle. You put an engine at the rear end of a train and you won't like it a bit. But let that engine draw you and you are satisfied. Put a bucket down a well, and it would kick if it were pushed up instead of being drawn up. That same bucket would, certainly, rebel against any such proceeding, were it attempted. It is the natural in- clination of everything and everybody to be drawn, as much as it is to draw your breath. A dentist would never think of pushing out a tooth — he draws it ! The banker expects you to draw — any other means of obtaining your money would be resented. The theatrical star draws his audience ; and his company, when it's in luck, its salary. That same company would never think of adopting means to push its salary, no matter however inclined to do so. It is the nat- ural bent of humanity to draw and be drawn; therefore, do I prophesy the absolute failure of the auto because of its being a non-drawing power. When a dainty, fair, sweet girl makes up her mind to win you, does she push you along to the happy conclusion? No, sir; she simply draws you out, and there you are ! You vnW often hear, in your walks and your talks, a man, v/hile admitting his misfortune, say : 'I was drawn into it.' Now, when making the admission that he was *^drawn' into it, you have never in your life no- ticed a scowl of reproach, though there might be a visible facial shadow of sorrow, for the very good reason that he had been *^drawn' into his unhappy predicament. On the other hand, you never yet heard a man admit that he was 38 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE 'pushed^ into his ill-luck unless lie showed dangerous and precipitate signs of dropping dead from sanguineous apo- plexy. To be ^pushed' and to be 'drawn' are two very dif- ferent means of going ahead. The one savors of relentless force; while the other, at least, bears the earmark of per- suasion. The horse 'draws' you — you persuade him to do so — and the automobile carries you by force, sir, sheer and unmitigated, stored-up battered force! There's the rub. And so it is with political parties, — let one or the other of the leaders go behind and shove his party, and the whole thing is reversed, for the leader becomes the follower and the followers the leaders ; and all through being shoved or pushed or propelled, showing conclusively and at once that my argument is incontrovertible. Leaving politicians for that other weird and strange creature of impulse, the mule, you can again see the inadvisability of rear-end propelling. Lead a mule and he'll follow you with the docility of a dove ; but venture to 'push' him, and you'll occupy a cot in the emergency ward of some hospital, if not a spare slab in the Morgue." The Monocle having had its sa}^, politely but hurriedly bade Mr. Ebenezer Spikem a very good morning, and, jumping into the auto, was electrically 'pushed' along. EEJECTED INTERVIEW Y,— {Incongruous.) MR. SPIKEM'S TROUBLES COME THICK AND FAST, WHILE THE MONOCLE, INTER- VIEWED BY MR. INKEY, SPEAKS ON TRAVEL, AND VOLUNTEERS USEFUL ADVICE FOR THE EDITOR^S EDI- FICATION AND BENEFIT. Mr. Spikem looked after the visitor as it was being whirled away, and on the curb-stone he pondered. He was heard to mutter, "Well, I'll be hanged !" or something to that effect. It is quite certain that he said he'd be some- thinged. His journey to the editorial department was one of worry. There he met his colleagues, who instantly re- marked his changed appearance, his dejected demeanor, his utter and weird strangeness. Mr. Spikem exhibited a large amount of oozing irritation. He frankly admitted his in- ability to get the interview he wanted, and gave his asso- ciates instead the purport of the Monocle* s remarks on the automobile, which seemed so extraordinary that the worthy gentlemen looked upon Spikem with suspicion. They knew he had been a total abstainer from spirituous liquors for some years; but, nevertheless, they always nursed a dread that he might return to the habit which had at one time threatened his standing in the community. They knew that Mr. Spikem in those days was a terror and they had, therefore, good cause to offer up many blessings for his self-denial in adopting the new life which he had deter- mined upon and enjoyed for twenty years. Alas, now they feared he had tasted once more of the cup that inebriates. 40 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE and they commenced to look around the office for some evil spirit, or influence, that may have been working ill among their staff, both editorial and reportorial. While they al- lowed the worthy gentleman the privilege to write the Monocles views on the automobile they coaxed him, when he had completed his task, to relegate the copy to the waste- paper basket, and, consequently, the readers of The Daily Inflated were saved from the perusal of matter which might have been prejudicial to the stocks of the Interna- tional Automobile Carry-All Company, that had been placed on the market with most gratifying results that very week. Mr. Spikem was advised to go home and rest. Mr. Spikem resented the suggestion. He grew hot, and the hotter he grew the more certain were his colleagues that he had been imbibing. To their horror, he actually damned the Monocle for the trouble it had given him, as well as for the unwarranted disaster it had brought upon two trusted members of the reportorial staff. That was enough ! He was even defending a couple of men who had proved them- selves totally unfit to be further entrusted with the con- fidence of their editors. His colleagues, Mr. Stunts and Mr. Inkey, now had no doubt in their minds. Mr. Eben- ezer Spikem, they concluded, was a lost lamb. In secret conclave, they therefore decided the best means to over- come the threatened ruin of their chief, and the two well- meaning gentlemen quickly scoured the editorial library for books on temperance, obtained tracts on temperance, purchased brochures on the "Habit of Imbibing Spirituous Liquors and the Speedy Cure;" paid out good money for other works dealing with the terrible effects of liquor, and, finally, buying a dramatic version of "Ten Nights in a Bar Eoom," deposited the lot on Spikem's desk where he found them that very evening. REJECTED 41 Thinking that the temperance literature had been sent him for review, he took them up one by one, but discovering that it was all ancient matter, and still irritated, shied each book and tract across the room. Cruel fate was playing all kinds of game with Spikem, for one book finally landed on a valuable statue of George Washington, smashing off the head and shattering one leg. Never before had that sacred sanctum presented so dis- turbed an appearance. When Mr. Spikem left for the night, the office boy, fearing that he might be blamed for it all, diplomatically requested the remaining editors to step in and review the debris. They were stricken as with palsy. That their co-laborer had so far forgotten himself as to use the books as missiles was to them a horror to contemplate. They looked with pain on the demolished figure of the Father of their Country, and declared that were it not for his unhappy and irresponsible condition, Mr. Ebenezer Spikem ought to be tried and hanged for treason. As a result of a decision arrived at by these two worthy gentlemen, one of them, Mr. Nebuchadnezzar Inkey, called on the Monocle the next day. "Stop,^^ cried the Monocle, as Mr. Inkey commenced his questioning. ^^I^d like to ask you how many men have you on your interviewing staff ? Whether you keep one for each day in the year, and as to what the devil the public cares for my opinions or impressions ?'^ "A necessity is hardly debatable,^' rejoined Mr. Inkey. "Do you find then that an interview with an utter stranger is a necessity to the peace of mind of the public ?" asked the Monocle, "As essential to the capacity of our readers as their daily meals,^^ replied Mr. Inkey. "Gracious !" exclaimed the Monocle. "Yes,'^ said Mr. Inl^ey, "it is peculiar to say the least, but: 42 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE Without their interviews folks would pine, They'd neither breakfast, sup nor dine ; And so they get 'em, more or less, Served up by the daily press." poetized Mr. Inkey, whose grave fault was his habit of bursting out into his own original verse, which, in every instance, proved to be idiotic and asinine. "I may mention, incidentally," continued Mr. Inkey, "that those lines are my own. I never quote. No man has any more right to use another man's verse than he has to take the cigar out of another man's mouth and smoke it. If men with a limited capacity for originality, resort to the mental exudations of others, then, I say, they ought to pay for the matter they use : If you take another man's rhyme And you use it as you will it. Deserves that every time For royalty he should bill it. Don't you think that equitable ?" asked Mr. Inkey. "Quite right, sir," agreed the Monocle. Mr. Inkey sat well back in his chair and looked wisely at the Monocle as one prepared to bounce upon a subject, sure in his mind that he would get the answers he desired. "Our abnormally high buildings of course somewhat surprised you on your arrival," suggested the wily editor. "Now, I wouldn't take you, Mr. Inkey, to be a man who indulged himself in surprises," said the Monocle, with an evident determination to evade answering any question whatsoever. Mr. Inkey looked at the Monocle with some astonishment. "Indeed, I can't say that I am ever surprised," rejoined the editor. "I thought not," agreed the Monocle. REJECTED 43 ''The political horizon of Europe still presents somewhat of an ominous shadow, and England, as regards the East- ern question, is, as ever, on the alert, I take it from the cable messages?" Mr. Inkey used every means at his command to wheedle an interview from the Monocle. The Monocle saw his drift. "Possibly our city government has appealed to you as being somewhat unique?" suggested Mr. Inkey, with an- other attempt to rout the enemy from its apparently im- pregnable position. "Have you traveled much?" asked the Monocle, ignor- ing Mr. Inkey's question. "I am loath to admit it, but I am not a traveled man," said Mr. Nebuchadnezzar Inkey, as he drew his handker- chief across his brow, — the humiliation of such a forced admission having had the effect of producing a moisture upon his ample forehead. "A sea voyage, I venture to say, would do you a world of good," said the Monocle, "But I am not actually in need of such recreation," de- clared Mr. Inkey. "You are, sir," urged the Monocle with no little force. "Everybody should travel. It's a duty one owes, not alone to one's self, but to those less fortunate who are unable to enjoy the inestimable blessing and radiant charm of it. Travel, Mr. Inkey, is an educator, a broadener of the mind, a luxury for the eye. The very birds of foreign countries make new and beautiful music for the ear. The peoples, too, are, in their strangeness to you, a lesson for deep con- sideration. Their methods of living and their advancement in all that is best, prove to you that each country has its own aspirations and liberty-loving characteristics; its grand and costly educational institutions, which, by the way, exist, sir, as you know, even in those countries where 44 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE by the unread and untraveled it is imagined there is no progress whatsoever. Liberty, to-day, sir, rules, and, heaven be thanked, there is a plenty of it in every clime, save, of course, where heathenism and fanaticism exist. Travel, alone, convinces one of the vast progress of the whole civ- ilized world, and further, of the civilizing influences which each good Christian, God-fearing country brings to bear on those who are living in darkness. The tourist opens his eyes to behold nature in all its varied and exquisite beauty and grandeur. You seem with each step to awake from a slumber. As the dextrous conjurer surprises you with his subtle revelations so does each country, each foreign locality, amazingly reveal to you a marvelous panorama of life, buildings, architectural cunning, sea-scape and landscape, fashion and passion, art and music, ability in every calling and profession, wealth and contentment, the highest social attainments, ancient relics beside the most approved and admired of modern inventions. Often have I stood aghast, when men of supposed intelligence have declared in my hearing that their own little city was good enough and plenty large enough, and finish up by saying, ^You can't show us a better place to live in than this, sir — the great- est city in the world.' Actually the poor chaps, on being questioned, admitted that they had never seen more than three cities, and small cities at that, by which to make a comparison. While admiring such men for their loyalty to their native villages, yet one cannot but deplore the limi- tation of their ideas and the insular disadvantages to which they are subjected. If, my dear Mr. Inkey, a man grows up on a potato patch you may tell him of a rose garden, but he only knows and appreciates potato patches ; in short, it is his world. Travel, sir, has been the means of making brilliant men of dunces, has inculcated in man that great factor of success — self-reliance. It has brought out the best, that was before wasting; it acts as a magic spell in REJECTED 45 developing the weakling into a robust, thinking, large- minded monument of humanity. One may well sigh for those poor creatures who can, but will not take the oppor- tunities to see the Great Creation at large. Inkey, my boy, take the advantage while you have the chance. If you de- termine to travel any time between this and your death, it might be well for you to take a few scruples of my advice.'^ ^'Gladly," agreed Mr. Inkey, "but, before going so far, I should like to ascertain your opinion of these United States of America, their National and Civic Governments and Mr. Bartholdi^s Statue of Liberty.^' Totally ignoring Mr. Inkey's interruption, or anything he would like to know, the Monocle proceeded : "The un- tried traveler, my dear Mr. Inkey, is a character study. While he is a frequent occurrence, he is, nevertheless, unique. He is a model for the humorist by virtue of his monumental assertiveness. He boards a vessel to commence with, rigged out in the highly proper traveling suit as de- vised and advised by his tailor. That at once gives him the air of one who has traveled and knows the ropes, while every step he takes is a stamping advertisement that he is a man of opulent circumstances and so forth. As he waves good- bye to the numerous ladies, gentlemen, youths and babies who have swarmed to see him off, he, pardonably, imagines himself the most important of his fellows. He accepts the very odorous, albeit imbecile, gifts of floral ships and floral anchors that go to increase his satisfaction and pride. Straightway he encounters the captain to ascertain from his official lips the number of knots the vessel can do in a day; what he considers the best remedy for seasickness; whether they will meet whales, rocks and icebergs, derelicts and other possible obstacles and dangers. He struts the main deck with an air of grave importance and is delighted with the steamer and his tourist costume, and becomes ac- tually vain when beholding that he is even observed. He 46 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE determines upon being genial and decides to chum in with anybody and everybody. Knowing a little about civil engi- neering he grows anxious to examine the machinery. His great grandfather having invented a compass some hundred years before, one may forgive him if he nurses a desire to study the vessel's instruments. His mother's father, he re- members, had been a ship's chandler in his youth, and, consequently and suddenly, it crosses his mind to inform the officers at once of that very important fact, so as to prove his relationship to the seafaring fraternity. An uncle on his lamented father's side, — it just occurs to him, — supplied the outgoing ships with provisions; and he begins to pon- der on the advisability of discovering the situation of the kitchen, that he may so inform the cook, who will surely then send to his table extra dainties and tender meats.'' Here Mr. Inkey tried to arrest the attention of the Mon- ocle by looking at his watch, but that was no time for the Monocle to allow even a word to intervene between his nar- rative and anything that might occupy the mind of the anxious Inkey. "You wonder " resumed the Monocle. '^I regret to break the current of your valued thoughts," interrupted Mr. Inkey, "but as we want your interviews for to-morrow's issue I beg you to give me your impres- sions of " The Monocle simply cut Mr. Inkey clean off from the question uppermost in his mind. "It should be the one desire of a traveler to make it pleasant for his fellow-tourists," continued the Monocle. "At no time should he grumble at the playful antics of the -dear children aboard. If they jump all over him he must, or should, accept the situation with equanimity; offer, if need be, to relieve the unattended mother of her scream- ing offspring; read aloud to the old ladies; tend the young widows ; give an arm to the winsome lasses who have not yet REJECTED 47 got their sea-legs; hasten below, though a thousand times a day, for rugs and shawls ; apply to chubby noses , Grecian noses, or Eoman noses, the inevitable and restoring smelling salts on occasions of qualms; supply and apply restoratives to the fainting lady; consent to become converted into a human ambulance as far as her cabin door; play all the games common aboard vessel no matter though they are stupid, irksome and ridiculous; rush for the ship's doctor no matter how frequent or how unnecessary the request, or how much you may interfere with that gentleman's com- fort ; see that he attends the summons no matter how trivial the case or how close you get to having your head punched. Appear to enjoy the sarcasm of the idiot at the dinner table; don't growl if the steward carelessly lets a plate of soup fall down your back, for the very good reason that some ship's soup is better taken externally than internally ; get on the amusement committee and, for the amusement of others, work yourself sick. When you see a porpoise as- sure the ladies that it is a whale, thereby establishing your- self a man learned in marine mysteries and wonders ; study up and memorize an assortment of sea yarns and spin them off, preferably before luncheon, since at that season few people are sleepy ; give up your very own deck chair to the fair charmer who covets it;- cover her with your rug and be ready to break your neck to do other little pleasantries for her, though she will ignore you when she lands. When you meet the captain, flood him with questions such as: 'Isn't it a dull or humid day? Is the vessel making or breaking her record time, and do you think you blow the horn often enough during a fog? Do you think we shall arrive on time, or do you think we shall be lat^ ? Are you married, Captain? Oh, how very nice; and how many children have you? Doesn't your wife travel with you? Really, it's very wrong of companies not to allow their officers the privilege of having their possessions with them ! 48 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE How often have you made the trip ? Ever been in a wreck ? Suppose the vessel collided with another in mid-ocean what would become of us ? Is drowning an easy death ? Some say it is, but, truly, is it?' "By paying the attentions enumerated to your fellow- passengers and plying the captain with the questions pro- pounded, you will grow in prominence. I will not say what caliber of prominence, but you will grow, and your voyage will be one of peace and delightful recollections. Never forget that the captain yearns for just the questions I have suggested. He is a glutton in his desire to be questioned; it is part of his life, that is why he is there. When you see him on the bridge it is because he fears that he hasn't any more answers left to give; sooner than disappoint he re- tires. It would be an admirable idea, my dear Mr. Inkey, were vessels to carry at least two captains, — one to attend to his business and the other to reply to the interrogations of the everconstant, indefatigable and irrepressible ladies and gentlemen who feel it incumbent on them to look upon the captain as an Intelligence Department. With these few remarks, and anticipating that you will travel to be heard of one day as a second Henry Stanley or Livingstone, I will take my leave." The Monocle shot out of the room leaving Mr. Nebuchad- nezzar Inkey all at sea. Its volubility on nautical affairs had, as a matter of fact, made the editor's head swim and he emerged into the open air in as rocky a condition as though he were walking a deck in a tempest. REJECTED INTERVIEW YL— {Impossible.) MR. INKEY ARRIVES AT HIS OFFICE MINUS IN- TERVIEW, CAUSING CONSTERNATION BY REASON OF HIS VERY NAUTICAL BEARING. Mr. Inkey announced his own arrival at his own office by singing a sailor song as he entered, entitled "On San Francisco Bay/' to the consternation of the methodical bookkeeper and army of clerks in the commercial depart- ment of The Daily Inflated. Mr. Inkey was never known in their recollection to in- dulge in song, and when the head of that department first turned a deathly pale and then changed to an apoplectic crimson, the surprise Mr. Inkey caused can be fully real* ized. Reaching the sanctum sanctorum he greeted his col- league, Mr. Stunts, with an "Ay, ay, sir V and pulling up his trousers from the hips in sailor fashion he growled in stentorian voice, "Heave to V' At that unfortunate moment the depressed Mr. Spikem entered, in time to join in Mr. Stunts^ visible agitation and fear. Such a proceeding on the part of the dignified Inkey was to them unaccountable, unless he had taken sudden leave of his senses. He mumbled something about travel and proper ques- tions to put to a sea captain and ended by dancing the sailor's hornpipe ! He went through the pantomime of climbing the rigging, saluting and hauling the ropes as performed by dancers on the variety stage, or in nautical 49-4 50 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE musical comedy. It was a sportive, if even to his con- freres it seemed a melancholy, spectacle. It suddenly dawned upon Mr. Stunts that Mr. Inkey had victoriously succeeded in getting the desired interview with the Monocle, and in his delirium of joy was merely giving vent to his satisfaction. "Aha, aha !" ejaculated Stunts, "I see it all ! You have the interview !" "I have nothing of the kind," growled Inkey as he dropped exhausted and panting into a chair. "You have not?" cried the two editors. "Certainly I have not," responded Inkey, "but I have an admirable disquisition from the Monocle on travel, with invaluable suggestions which will be relished by our hun- gry readers." Inkey then rolled out almost word for word all that the Monocle had said. "But, my dear Inkey, that matter is totally irrele- vant," declared Stunts, with some degree of warmth in his tone. "Why in heaven didn't you get what we need, — the Monocle's impression of these United States of Amer- ica, our National and Civic Governments and our Statue of Liberty ? That is what you went for !" "And that," replied Inkey, "is what I didn't get." Stunts made up his mind that Inkey was suffering from temporary mental disturbances, which opinion became the more certain when he arose, now restored to normal breath- ing, and, crossing the room, shook Spikem by the hand, accompanying the action with expressions of sympathy with the surprised gentleman. Stunts looked with concern first at Spikem and then at Inkey. In his mind he turned over the scene performed by Spikem the previous evening, as compared with the sad condition of poor Mr. Inkey that moment. To the one he attributed a return of the drinking habit, while to the other REJECTED 51 he blamed a possible hereditary insanity which was taking effect by quick process. Strange, too, but even Mr. Spikem looked with pity on Inkey, whose antics were such as could not be indulged in by a sane editor. "I saw and regret/' said Spikem, in a melancholy tone, *^'the destruction and smash-up of George Washington last evening.'' "Ah, indeed, sir ; I doubt if Washington in all his career ever received such a blow," added Mr. Stunts, tartly. The stand-off and studied courtesy of Mr. Stunts simply knocked Spikem off his legs. Upon recovering himself he let every particle of his twenty-four-hour-pent-up wrath flow out. He indulged in vituperation, and ended by tell- ing Stunts that if he knew better than he how to get an interview from such an unwilling source as the Monocle, he should try without delay. Stunts was certain now that Spikem had not fully overcome his debauch. Then came Mr. Inkey to the aid of Mr. Spikem and, suffering from what he considered very cool behavior on the part of Mr. Stunts, agreed that if the latter gentleman was so blamed positive about it he had better try himself. The gauntlet defiantly hurled at the admirably-booted feet of Mr. Stunts, that gentleman, without delay, took up the challenge. But how deeply his heart ached to see his colleagues in such a mental plight the public will never know. So keen was his appreciation of the mental breaking down, especially in the case of Mr. Inkey, that on his way home he made it his business to call upon that gentleman's good lady. "Mrs. Inkey," said he, "the subject of my visit is of painful moment." Mrs. Inkey, a good creature with an unfortunate dispo- sition to anticipate evil, screeched out in hysterical yells, "Oh, Mr. Stunts, don't say that anything has happened my Nebuchadnezzar ! Don't tell me that he has passed away ! Oh, I knew something was going to happen when Josie, 52 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE our favorite tabb}^, sneezed itself into a cataleptic fit this morning I" Before Mr. Stunts could say a word to relieve the anxiety of the lady, the cat, to which she had referred, made a bound into the room, took one leap onto the mantelpiece, knocking over and smashing an exquisite and costly clock of Parisian manufacture ; then, turning a backward somer- sault onto the floor, lay as stiff as a pine log. That was sufficient evidence, that second fit of Josie's in one day, that something terrible had really happened her husband, and with a multiplication of successive shrieks, she, herself, fell heavily onto the floor and the cat at the same time. One ominous squeak from the cat, as the lady fell upon it, startled Mr. Stunts, who at once, and humanely, endeavored to relieve the animal of its burden. Mrs. Inkey was a very weighty lady, consequently the editor found the removing business no easy matter. At last, with a mighty effort the fragile little gentleman succeeded in rolling Mrs. Inkey over, but, to his horror, the cat was as flat as a pancake. He called for assistance and it came in the form of a wheezy, wizen servant, who, on entering the room and see- ing the state of affairs, started in screaming for "Help !" at the top of her asthmatic voice and then set to calling out "Murder !" in spite of the vehement assurance of Mr. Stunts that there was no murder other than her mistress's unin- tentional asphyxiating and flattening out of the cat. No talk, no persuasion, could pacify Amangolina Ann, who, without one word of warning, simply kicked up her heels and lay in a heap at the feet of her mistress. Stunts was most thoroughly frightened. He stood paralyzed and when able to collect himself concluded that the best thing to do was to summon a doctor. Off he rushed, hatless and breath- less, in search of a medical man. He had not been gone many minutes when Mr. Inkey himself returned home. Once, twice, thrice he rang, and failing to be let in, a REJECTED 63 most extraordinary circumstance, he scrambled through the sitting room window ; when chaos met his eye. There lay, prostrate, probably dead, his wife, his maid servant and his flattened-out cat; while fragments of his once hand- some clock were strewn around the hearth in small par- ticles. All he could see was murder — an atrocious tragedy for pelf. He fell at the feet of his wife and between en- dearing words and entreaties to speak but a word, he vented a wholesale condemnation of an inefficient and political police force. In another moment Mr. Inkey had reached the police call and summoned by that means the minions of the law, but through a fatal mistake, he, also, called up the fire de- partment. Almost with the arrival of the doctor, in com- pany with the hatless Mr. Stunts, came both fire engines and hose companies, police and reporters, fire captains and heads of the police department, excited neighbors and others, whose craning necks could not discover even smoke. The scene around the house was pandemonium and the oc- currences were fortunate, if unfortunate, for it was due to the bursting of a hose brought through the sitting-room window, that Mrs. Inkey, her servant and her flattened-out cat came to visible life once more. As she was being soaked by the water, Mrs. Inkey turned completely over and went through the graceful motions of swimming. An admiring audience declared her strokes to be perfectly artistic. Were it not for the sadness of the affair the sight of such a per- formance by such a corpulent lady might have been amus- ing. Amangolina Ann and Josie favored the awe-stricken spectators with a series of convulsive evolutions and then came to a realization that the world was still revolving. The explanation was such as to open a terrific and un- fordable breach between Mr. Inkey and Mr. Stunts, for the latter had been compelled to admit that his presence in his friend's house that night was to warn the good Mrs. Inkey of the possible, indeed probable, insanity of her husband. REJECTED INTERVIEW YIL— (Inapplicable.) THE MONOCLE STARTS ON A JOURNEY. THROUGH THE UNITED STATES— MR. STUNTS INTERVIEWS VISITOR AT STATION— THE MONOCLE PHIL- OSOPHISES. It was at the railway station that Mr. Stunts, looking ill and careworn, overtook the Monocle, having heard that the visitor was about to take an extended journey through the States. As the distinguished subject of His Most Gracious Maj- esty was in the act of entering a drawing-room car Mr. Stunts came along. "By the way, I would esteem it a favor if before seeing our vast continent you would kindly give me your impres- sions of these United States of America, their National and Municipal Governments and your emotions on beholding the Statue of Liberty." "I am awfully glad to see you, don't you know \" declared the Monocle cordially, at the same time looking at Mr. Stunts' card, "and wish I had the spare time to have a chat with you. I trust the various views I have given on a few matters of moment will satisfy your readers. And, by the way, kindly convey my cordial regards to your numerous interviewers; let me see, Mr. — er — Mr. — er — Mr. Smart, Mr. Bull — what is it ? Oh, yes, Mr. Bulldozer, Mr. — Mr. — let me think — Mr. Spikesomething — Spikem, yes, and my esteemed friend, your poet, Mr. Inkstand; no, no, I mean Inkey, Inkey. I am awful on remembering names as you REJECTED 55 will have observed by my frequent reference to your card. I think I should have been secretary to the late Mr. Glad- stone, in his conservative days, had it not been for my for- getting his name for the moment and calling him Jones ! Think of it ! A most awful error, don^t you know ! And, I candidly confess, a most unpardonable one, for Jones and Gladstone are so unlike each other, aren't they ?'' At that moment the porter came up with the Monocle's rugs, hat boxes and sticks, riding whips and a portable bath-tub. Of course, everybody looked at the bath-tub, whereupon the huge, fat porter was heard to say "Kubber !" Whether he meant to imply the word in the classic sense in which it is used to-day, or whether he merely intended to inform the uninitiated that the bath was of rubber compo- sition, is still a question to be decided. "Before I start on my journey," said the Monocle, "I have to say how very charmed I am " "Yes!" interrupted the editor, anxiously and encourag- ingly. "I was about to say, how very charmed I am both with the untiring attention your paper has given me, Mr. Stunts, and the extreme cordiality shown me by your fellow editors and your reporters. I feel, sir, that if I have rendered you, them, every one of you, jointly and separately, any service, though small, it is a matter of significant pleasure to me." "You are in a position. Monocle, to add further to any service you may have done us, by just informing me of your impression of these United States of America, their Na- tional and " "My dear Mr. Stunts, it is with pride that I can boast a good quantity of the old school about me and I can, conse- quently, appreciate deeply, reverently and profoundly. In this fin-de-siecle period, life is a filigree, and an artificiality. Sincerity to-day is a weakling and lacking backbone. The spinal column of sound, healthy, robust friendship has been 56 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE contused by the rapid strides, even into our homes, of the business element. The home is no longer a haven of rest and repose. It is now almost the continuation of the office, the shop, the store, the factory, the law courts and many more things equally unsatisfactory and foreign to the dear, old, hospitable hearth of by-gone days. There is, unfor- tunately, an unrest, sir, in the women as well as in men; in the new-born babe as much as in youth. Can it be remedied, sir? I say, deliberately, that it can. Why, I have watched gentlemen hurry over their meals in an alarming manner and then apologize for being unable, through nervousness, to sit for any length of time at the table, that I have felt like suggesting that their wives, in- stead of seating them at the table, might better erect a quick-lunch counter in the dining-room." Mr. Stunts was now growing anxious as he looked at his watch. "We have only five minutes," urged the editor, "before you start on your journey, therefore, if you will be good enough to favor me with some idea of your opinions formed of these United States of America, their National and "Continuing where I left off," proceeded the Monocle, with a brave determination to snow under Mr. Stunts and his questions, "I have concluded that the head of the house- hold is to blame. He introduces his confounded commer- cialism into his family circle, and I tell you, sir, it is a most uncomfortable guest at a table or before a great blaz- ing fire, around which once upon a time the rubber of whist and the game of cribbage were nightly played ; and stories of a pure and healthful bent were told and the children, there were children in those days, eat intent and delighted to hear the interesting reminiscences and chivalrous senti- ments of their elders. Have modern inventions and modern thoughts and usages brought in their wake a modern hap- REJECTED 57 piness which can compare with the contentment of the long past? This is an age, my dear Mr. Stunts, of 'Go' and 'Get there;' therefore, man, woman and child seem to 'go' as they please and 'get' what they please and few 'go' as others please. To me, sir, life is so dear, so beautiful, so generous, that I live to indulge the benefits, as far as I can, which it so bountifully offers, and while fully acknowledg- ing the wonders of the inventions of the day, and the un- doubted boon to society which modern inventions and appli- ances afford, I still, sometimes, nay, oftentimes, wish myself far from the turmoil, the shift, the whirr and buzz, the un- easy, restless, striving world and the goring savagery of the moment. I admire gentle man and noble womanhood so deeply that I would there were a sandpaper to burnish the portion of harsh, unsmoothed, rough-souled creatures and thereby add to modern humanity more of the brightness of life. Burnishing is what is required, sir, a polishing up, a tempering. Folks may prate of the wonderful age we live in. I, too, acknowledge it to be all remarkable and won- derful, but, while I do so, I contend, reluctantly, that there is not the contentment there should and, of course, could be. Take it from me, my dear Mr. Stunts, that the mo- ment is permeated with wild, reckless, grasping wealth- hungry characteristics that speak not too well for the boasted superfine quality of the age. I do not speak on the threshold of this movable palace with the idea that I, or you, can effect a change of existing conditions. Neither think me so bound up with idiocy as to imagine that the speeches, or writings, the importuning of one, or a hundred or a thousand can alter them. The mad rush will go on, the pace will increase, for the race has already started; but, mind you, the heavy weights the majority are carrying, the result of their own handicapping, must tell in the long run. The world will go on just the same, but man will be- come stale at a very early period in the race for wealth, and 58 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE the break down will inevitably follow. Yes, yes, there are others, and there will be others, to take the place of the broken hacks who will strain every nerve to break the record of their predecessors, but with the same fatal results. And when all is said and done the whole resolves itself into the fattening of the one commanding and growing germ — artificiality, which is burrowing its way into the vitals of society. Artificiality is the word, my dear Stunts, that ac- counts for many unpleasantries in our daily life, — that is responsible for much of the unhappiness we read about, know about and fear about.'^ The heavy mustached, pudgy-nosed, balloon-paunched conductor gave the signal, the porter informed the Monocle that its boxes, rugs, sticks, riding whips and portable rub- ber bath-tub were all aboard, and the Monocle was soon whirling along in a luxurious car to see the United States of America from the Atlantic to the Pacific. Mr. Stunts looked after the disappearing train, replaced his note book and pencil, which he had carried in his hand all the while, in the recess of his inner pocket, dried the steam off his spectacles, and ejaculating a husky "Hem !" betook himself to the office of The Daily Morning Inflated, EEJECTED INTERVIEW YllL— (Irrational) EDITOR STUNTS SAUNTERS TO THE OFFICE OF THE DAILY INFLATED— HIS RECEPTION NOT AT ALL CORDIAL— 'TWAS THE COLD, NOT THE WARM, HAND EX- TENDED—SAD CONCLUSIONS BY BROTHER EDITORS. Mr. Stunts was so thoroughly disheartened at his failure to obtain the Monocle's views on the United States of America, their National and Civic Governments and the Statue of Liberty that he even passed a half-dozen doors of The Daily Inflated, and instead of entering the office of the gatherers of news, he actually made the mistake of wanting straight into the establishment of the gatherers of the dead, — Messrs. Gone, Going & Co., undertakers. On perceiving his error he turned white and, stammering an apology, assured the meek-cheeked-white-tied representa- tive of Messrs. Gone, Going & Co., that he, for the present at any rate, found himself in the wrong place. Mr. Mumps, the clerk, by virtue of his surroundings, was alive to any emergency and surprise, but failed, in this instance, to ap- preciate Mr. Stunts' alarming mistake. As he received a small commission on every order taken during his em- ployers absence, and Mr. Mumps being in no wise too well remunerated for the grave nature of his position, he was sorely disappointed at heart when he discovered that Mr. Stunts had actually not come to leave an order. It dawned suddenly, however, on his fertile brain, that the editor prob- ably had had a sad order to give, but had, on the very 60 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE threshold of the establishment, changed his mind and gone over to Mr. Tobia Shroud, the undertaker across the way. The probable loss of commission glaring Mumps in the eye, prompted him to sit down and pen the following : GONE, GOING & CO., Undertakers. Cemetery Street. February 18, 1901. Dear Sir — When you did us the honor to look in at our establishment a few moments ago, I regret, through your hurry to get out again, that I had not the pleasure of plac- ing you among our distinguished list of customers. I take it you changed your mind, though I would esteem it a favor before you give your order to any other firm to kindly glance down our revised list of charges. I also enclose our pam- phlet entitled, "How to Bury at Smallest Cost.'^ Awaiting the honor of your early order, I am, dear sir, Your obedient servant at all hours, PETER MUMPS. To U. C. Stunts, Esq., Night Editor, The Daily Inflated. Mr. Stunts at last returned safely to his office and both Mr. Spikem and Mr. Inkey sat complacently awaiting his arrival. The greeting was zeroatic, indeed. It could not have possibty been colder had the gentlemen met in an ice chest. "Good evening, sir,^' said Mr. Stunts. "It is morning yet,'^ said Mr. Inkey. "Yes, yes, to be sure,'' agreed Mr. Stunts, as he laid down his hat upon the table and commenced to take off his gloves, each finger at a time, and with a deliberation quite unlike him. "You have the interview, of course?" asked Mr. Inkey and Mr. Spikem in one breath, but with a cruel leer of triumph which showed they had been discussing the matter REJECTED 61 pretty freely between themselves and had come to one con- clusion, cruel gentlemen ! They knew very well that Mr. Stunts would fail, as they had failed, to draw out the Monocle's opinion of these United States of America, their National and Civic Governments and the Statue of Lib- erty. There was a slight pause as Mr. Stunts pulled at the las't finger of his glove and drew a long, deep, sad breath. "iSToo," said Mr. Stunts, "Noo, I certainly did not suc- ceed in getting the interview.'^ "Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! ha V laughed Mr. Inkey. "Did I not tell you, Spikem, that he would not get it T' "Well, Mr. Stunts, we must have something about the Monocle in the morning. Surely the Monocle said some- thing of interest before departing ?'^ suggested Mr. Spikem, interrogatively. "The views of the Monocle are so extraordinary that I really forget half of what was said,^^ replied the good Mr. Stunts ; "but I do remember this much, that there was not one word that would be of interest to our readers." "Had you not better write up an interview of some kind?" asked Mr. Inkey. "Eeally, my dear Mr. Inl^ey, I cannot collect my thoughts," replied Mr. Stunts in a weird tone. "We do not need your thoughts," put in Mr. Spikem, rather tartly. "Let us have those of the Monocle.'^ At that moment a messenger handed to Mr. Stunts the note from Mr. Peter Mumps, the undertakers' assistant. "JSTow ! What have I done with my glasses ?" Mr. Stunts inquired as he searched every pocket in vain for his spec- tacles. "Dear me ! Where could I have left them ? Here, Inkey, kindly see what this is." Mr. Stunts passed the note to Mr. Inkey who opened the envelope and read the startling contents aloud. The editors looked at each other in dismay. 62 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE "Why didn't you tell us, Stunts, that you had suffered a loss?" asked Mr. Spikem with profound emotion. ^'I have suffered no loss, sir,'' responded Mr. Stunts. "Then for whom did you seek the services of the under- taker?" asked Mr. Spikem. "For no one that I know of, sir," replied Mr. Stunts. It was now the turn of both Spikem and Inlvey to look upon Mr. Stunts with suspicion and doubt as to the health- ful condition of his mind. His tart manner, his visit to Gone, Going & Go's establishment, that note from Mr. Peter Mumps — all seemed so exceedingly strange that the wise gentlemen could come but to one conclusion — Stunts needed rest — he was evidently suffering from hallucina- tions to the extent, even, of visiting an undertaker without reason; even going so far as to waver between the two firms — Gone, Going & Co. and Tobia Shroud. That note of Mr. Peter Mumps proved to them conclusively that there was something radically wrong with Mr. Stunts. His an- tics, too, in frightening, almost to death, Mr. Inkey's good lady, her maid servant and her cat, on the plea that he im- agined that Mr. Inkey was a maniac, only went to strengthen the opinion that he. Stunts, was sadly demented. It was now a question settled in the mind of Stunts whether Spikem should not be placed in an asylum for inebriates and Inkey in a sanitarium for weak-minded, while the two latter gentlemen turned over in their minds the advisability of having Stunts examined at once as to his sanity and, if necessary, placed in safe keeping until a time when his normal mental capacity could be guaranteed. Unhappy times had certainly come upon the staff. Through his dis- charge from The Daily Inflated, Mr. Smart, the reporter, had been denied other engagements, as it had got about in newspaper circles that he was absolutely unreliable; a stain which stuck so closely to him that he, in a weak mo- ment, assisted with all his might and pocket to enrich the REJECTED 63 portly proprietor of a dazzlingly decorated bar room. And Bulldozer, poor Bulldozer, reduced to impecuniosity, one meal a day and an abnormally fitting suit of ready-made clothes (so unlike the spick and span Bulldozer) had to suffer the libel of being addicted to drugs which induce mental stupor. Unable to get even an assignment on any paper in the city he added to the undeserved reputation which was attached to him by taking a header from a high bridge into the deep, dark water below. But it is an ill jump that does nobody any good, as was proved after his miraculous rescue, when offers of engagements from pro- moters, boomers and purveyors of freaks flowed in upon him. Thus our Bulldozer was allotted a living among men. He chummed with the ^^Bearded Lady ;" he supped with the gentleman who voraciously ate of glass; he made a boon companion of the sinuous snake charmer, and besides suffer- ing exhibition as the ''^Greatest Living Bridge Jumper of the Twentieth Century,'^ acted as press agent for the "Dime Museum;'^ a position of much honor and standing in the community. So what with disruption in the editorial de- partment, mistrust of the reportorial corps and the parting with two of its most reliable reporters. The Daily Morning Inflated was reduced from the cream of journalistic pub- lications to a milk and water newspaper. The internal disruption was felt externally to so great an extent that full soon The Daily Inflated, with that struggle which is sadly watched in cases of impending dissolution, suffered a convulsion, accelerated by a puncture superinduced by the strike of the compositors, who, without extra remunera- tion, a shortcoming antagonistic to the Federal Typograph- ical Union^s rules, were kept overtime, day in and night out, to set up the interviews that never came. Thus is shown what disorder may arise in a newspaper office through the muley obstinacy persisted in and indulged by 64 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE an iron-rimmed obstacle to all modern intelligence — a Monocle. However, the editors ultimately came together when ex- planations were exchanged sufficient to exonerate Mr. Spikem of insobriety and Messrs. Stunts and Inkey of in- cipient insanity, while Mr. Bulldozer was captured from the onerous duties of Press Agent of the Museum and, with young Mr. Smart, was reinstated to his proud and distin- guished position on The Inflated's reportorial staff with profuse and manly apologies as compensation for the harm and damage done him. END OF PART I. Note — See Part II for the Monocle's sober thoughts and rational opinions. PART II. THE IISTTERVIEWS AS THEY APPEARED IN" THE INFLATED, 65-5 The Popular Paper. Fearless and Honest! the Daify Inflated The People's Paper! Vol. XXIV New York, Monday, September 16th, 1901 Price 5 Cents BURNED AT THE STAKE. THE MONOCLE RETURNS TO NEW YORK AFTER A TOUR OF THE UNITED STATES. SPEAKS FREELY TO THE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE DAILY INFLATED ON THE ADVANTAGES OFFERED UNDER THE FOLDS OF THE STARS AND STRIPES. SHOCKING SCENES.— VIC- TIM IS DRAGGED TO HIS DEATH. (Special to The Inflated.) Lynch ville, Sept. 15. — Last night another lynching took place at Lynchville. The vie tim, Tom Pipp, colored, was identified as the perpetrator of an outrage and in the presence of five thousand citizens was bound and dragged to the kero- sene-soaked pyre, upon which he was tied with ropes and set afire. His writhings were awful to behold. Citizens came from miles around, many with picnic baskets. It only needed the presence of Nero to make the scene completely pictures- que. {Special to The Inflated.) Pyretown, Sept. 15. — A bar- barous act was performed near this town this morning. John Christopher Black, who was suspected of having: committed a robbery, was taken out in the fields and strapped to a pole. A heap of wood, well moistened with oil, was spread under and around him and soon the man was ablaze. The scene almost b«(ggars description. Before the lagots were set afire the vic- tim's cries and protests of his innocence resounded far in the woods. The mob greeted his appeals with jeers and profane and blasphemous oaths and de- moniacal 3'ells and screeches. "Yes, my experiences have undergone many phases — some delightful, others extraordi- nary, often appalling, at times disappointing, now and again humorous, more often sad, oc- casionally tragic and all the while political." "Then you have mastered the intricacies of our politics since our last meeting?" inquired the representative of The Inflated, who had welcomed the Monocle with effusive greeting. "Mastered your politics!" repeated the Monocle; "Egad, it is such a giant that I would hardly set myself the task of even attempting to get the mastery. As I see it, your politics masters you, and is, in truth a veritable and uncom- promising, harsh, and frequent- ly a too cruel and iron-handed master. Your people, Heaven bless and preserve them in their prosperity, seem to me to live on politics from the cradle to the grave. You are in many instances peculiar in that you 67 68 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE return men to office, your Senate and your Congress, to Qli honorable positions, but you instantly accuse them of accepting bribes, or bribing, or accumulating vast wealth in ways not strictly straight, and, indeed, devilishly crooked. In short, one would think, judging from the ex- traordinary charges so often laid at the door of your public men, that there are few fit to enjoy the confidence of a free- voting people/^ "There is more truth than poetry in what you say, but we are a young people, — we are in our swaddling clothes,'^ suggested the newspaperman. "Stuff and nonsense,^^ said the Monocle. "I repeat a thousand times with a vehemence strong enough to be heard from the coast of Maine to the sun-glinted gates of the Pa- cific, — stuff and nonsense ! Are not your lawmakers men of mature years ? Are they not equal in intelligence with the framers of the laws of other great nations ? Are they not working contemporaneously with men who, the world over, are doing exactly what they are doing, — advancing the condition;; of their fellows? Your country has grown up by thrift, indomitable pluck and noble determination, but do not forget, nor should any one of you forget, that to your very wise and scholarly forbears, gentlemen who had a generous schooling in the ambitious and ideal and sedate prlitics of their day, is due the building up of this glorious and ever-growing nation. They built upon foundations of strength, upon mental pillars of strength, upon ripe and wliolft-ome knowledge, bom of a combination of education and worldly experience and healthful social and political surroundings. But granted that you are young, in that caK< you are an exceedingly precocious infant." "A precocity conceived by the Motherland which bore our sires,^' said the newspaperman, proudly. "Your words," said the Monocle, ''are evidence of the power and the glory and the unbreakable unity of the Eng- ACCEPTED 69 lish-speaking race. We, no matter the difference of political and social forms, or the wide expanse of sea dividing us, are proud of the Motherland that gave ns the sinew, the brawn, the muscle, the brain, the ingenuity, the high, un- conquerable spirit, the stubborn, plodding thrift and un- daunted courage. To that Motherland we turn as one with filial pride. Her offspring, the world over, will ever re- main as one family dispensing liberty, education and charity, whither they may go." THE MONOCLE SPEAKS INTERESTINGLY OF THE COUNTRY. "Your journey to the Coast naturally brought you a new experience of manners and mode of living as compared with the old world ?" suggested the newspaperman. "It is not my intention to draw comparisons," insisted the Monocle. "At any rate, may not the opinions you have formed be available?". "The opinions I have formed are decided, and in giving them I wish to disown any prejudices whatsoever. I am enchanted with your country, — beautiful and noble as it is vast, from the Atlantic to the Pacific. Grand, sir, mar- velous to behold, varied in its scenery as it is in its climate. On my travels it seemed to me that some kind fairy had taken and promised me many wonderful changes of scenery and as each morning came revealed to my view a new pan- orama of mountain and valley, hill and dale, wide river and circling lake; changing to such sylvan retreats as are untouched by man and enriched and cared for alone by generous and prolific nature. I found enchantment in the miles of desert lands; I became enthusiastic over the ap- parently unlimited cities and towns and hamlets, and I 70 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE marvelled and I pondered, and said I to myself : 'Are the legislators of this vast continent as corrupt as is alleged ?' '* "And you concluded ?" "I came to the conclusion that your fair country must be crammed full of the liveliest libelers to be found between heaven and earth." "My dear Monocle, you are deserving a seat in Congress or the Senate/' "And if so honored, an unworthiness would be quickly manufactured for me and advertised ; yes, even by you who now compliment me. If a man among you would retain his good character let him keep out of your politics." "When a man becomes public property have we not the right to speak of him as we think ?" asked the newspaper- man. "Not as you think, but as you know," demanded the Monocle. "It is the thinking that is responsible for your error, your unblushing cruelty. You take for granted, be- cause a man represents you in your National or State As- sembly, that you are at liberty to brand him a knave for no other reason than that you think he is one. I have heard, to my astonishment, of so much corruption that were it true, your jails would be overflowing with Congressmen, Senators and others who have held, and are holding, the highest positions in your land. If a public man has the misfortune to grow rich you at once doubt the source of his income. You make charges which are amazing and serious, but, with it all, never is there one to impeach the gentleman. Why ? For the simple reason that it is all suspicion ; it is thought to be so and so, but, in fact, is never positively known to be the so and so alleged." "This is a free country." "Yes, and your freedom is too often misused. It is criminal insolence to charge men of your Parliament with base designs and shady dealings. If your cities are bur- ACCEPTED 71 dened with a class inelegantly called by you *Boodlers/ is there any reason in the world why you, a free and independ- ent people, should tolerate a state of affairs so deplorable ?" "It exists V' "I bluntly tell you I do not believe it !" retorted the Mon- ocle; "you cast slurs upon your wealthy lawmaker by ask- ing, 'How did he get it?^ If he has robbed the public coffers you need never ask those questions. You would know how and where he got it ; and, further, if it were so that he misused the public funds, or corrupted or bribed, or received bribes, you know as well as I that he would be compensated with a term of imprisonment and the brand of everlasting disgrace. The fact is you set up your po- litical opponent as an enemy ; without fear of a consequence you besmirch his good name and you make charges which you cannot, nor do you even attempt to substantiate.^' "We have as much respect for our public men, if deserv- ing our confidence, as any other people in the world." "Tush \" the Monocle exclaimed. "It is your want of respect that keeps from your National and Civic Assemblieb many able, representative, scholarly citizens, gentlemen whom any country would be proud to honor with its regard. To my pain and surprise I have encountered men, supposed to be gifted with intelligence, who have not faltered in pouring forth and bragging contempt for upright and hon- orable gentlemen to whom they are opposed only politi- cally.'' "Every man here is free-born and his opinion is unfet- tered," said the newspaperman. "There is scarcely a country to-day, sir, but what gives liberty of speech and action to its people, but the liberty of maliciously and falsely and wilfully scandalizing a man just because he is a public man differing in opinion with others,is not allowed by the law of any other civilized nation, nor would it be tolerated by the masses. Few among your 72 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE public-spirited men are willing to become targets for the offalized outpourings of the army of irresponsibles and venomous libelers in your community. Your disappointed politicians, or many among them, are a class I have met and learned to deplore, for to them may be attributed much of the brutal libel on those who have been more fortunate in the political arena/' "You do not know our politicians." "Do your "As a free-born American I know of our politicians and have a right to say what I feel of them ; and, further, as a free-bom American I care not the snap of the finger for any man." "I pray you remember, henceforth, that it is quite un- necessary to gorge down my throat the happy fact that you are free-born. The world, for a century or so, has been pretty well assured that you enjoy the inestimable freedom vouchsafed you by the wise Anglo-Saxon framers of yoar lucid and generous Constitution. I know well that you are free-born. The policeman, who audaciously and murder- ously clubs his prisoner on the streets of New York until, as is often the case, he inflicts a fracture of the skull, or a few ugly scalp wounds, is also free-born, and, for thj mat- ter of that, so is the poor wretch who falls a victim to the freo-born easy way of proving and exercising authority." "You are indeed observant." ^'One does not need to be clubbed by an officer of the law to appreciate the brutality. It is an every-day occurrence among you ; but since you are free-born I suppose such acts of barbaric violence must be tolerated. However, you must admit the disadvantages suffered even by you who can boast of absolute freedom for all. When the poor fruit vendor on your Metropolitan streets must suffer the heartless tossing into the gutter of his little cart, together with all his fruit, because he does not ^move on' quickly enough for an iron- ACCEPTED 73 muscled, soulless policeman, I rise in indignation and wish I dared, with safety, address a few words of human feeling to the stalwart, fat-fed officer and teach him that by his brutal act he antagonizes those who would be his sup- porters, and, further, that he, himself, places his important position and authority and the law of peace and order in jeopardy of contempt. You will now have to excuse me. On some other occasion I shall certainly enjoy another visit from you. Good night.*' Sensations Respectably Reported. Cbe Daily Tnflated A Paper for the People. Vol. XXIV New York, Tuesday, September 17th, 1901 Price 6 Cents FEARFUL HEAT IN THE CITY.— MANY PROS- TRATIONS AND DEATHS FROM THE HEAT AND SUNSTROKE. For the last twenty-four hours the heat has been ter- rific. The poor have suffered beyond description, sleeping on roofs, fire-escapes and side walks. Thousands of unfor tunate creatures, denied the right to close their eyes in the Public Parks of New York, found some consolation in be- ing able to sleep on the docks. There is hope that the new libraries, philanthrop i c a 1 1 y given the city, will be com pleted by next summer that the advantages of the cool marble steps may be enjoyed by those who cannot find sleep in the sweltering, ill-ventilated tene- ments. Poor children have suf- fered this summer as in other summers. Their condition is pitiable to behold. Here, in- deed, is work for those who find that wealth is so irksome as to cause its owners sleepless hours in thinking how best it can serve humanity. We have opened a subscrip- tion, heading the list with of- fers of a complimentary copy of The Inflated for every sub- scriber for a Free Open Air Park, where the poor may find repose without molestation. Free Ice and Free Fresh Air are excellent adjuncts to com- fort, but Free Sleep in a Free Park and a Free copy of our journal would be a blessing and a boon to mankind. THE MONOCLE ADVISES THOSE WHO COME TO THE UNITED STATES FOR A LIVING. ADVANTAGES OF SET- TLING IN THE SALUBRI- OUS ATMOSPHERE OF THE GOLDEN WEST. VARIED OPINIONS THAT MAY BE READ WITH INTEREST. A representative of The In- flated met the Monocle while in a most communicative mooa. "Oh, yes, I am willing to give you something of my ob- servations while traveling through the luxurious State of California," said the Monocle. "You were evidently impress- ed with the country?" asked the newspaperman. "Unquestionably. It is a re- markable State and the only wonder to me is, that it is not far more thickly populated." "What are the advantages as you see them?" "Climate, soil, indeed, out there can be found every con- ceivable commercial and social opportunity for the industri- ous; every possible happiness for every class." "What disadvantages did you note?" "There are no disadvantages out there other than those placed upon the agriculturalists by, so far as I could gather, inor- dinately heavy railway freight charges, which militate ACCEPTED 75 against the output of the enormous yield of the agricultural districts. Those freight charges are a crippler. California is so blessed that were the opportunity to supply the mar- kets of the world allowed by the reasonable adjustment of carrying charges, the farmer and fruit grower would thrive as in no other land. The railway instead of being a boon, actually cramps and holds back and ties the hands of the tillers of the soil. CALIFOENIA A MARVELOUS COUNTRY. "California," continued the Monocle "is rich, develop- ing, wondrous and hospitable. Its vast and fruitful land waits to welcome the sturdy yeoman; it invites the indus- trious to develop it, and, by the way, its natural oppor- tunities for manufacturing, while unlimited, are almost neglected and overlooked. A laborer may work the three hundred and sixty-five days of the year without climatic hindrance. He can feed well ; indeed, for small cost is en- abled to live as comfortably as the merchant in your East. He can indulge his appetite, and far better than most busi- ness men in other parts of your continent. There are no cruel blizzards to interrupt his day's labor, nor sweltering- summers to threaten him with collapse and prostration. To those industrious persons who wish a pacific livelihood, to those who come to the United States in the hope of ac- quiring a competency, to the young man of the East who is willing to tear himself from the false and alluring glam- our of the much crowded cities, I commend heaven-blessed California. The future of the sun-warmed State cannot be estimated. Its wealth, mineral, agricultural and flori- cultural, is so vast, and its advantages so great, that it is a surprise to me that more thousands, especially those with small means, do not flock to take the benefit of it all." 76 INTERVIEW 8 WITH A MONOCLE "And as a place of residence for the wealthy ?" asked the newspaperman. "In that important respect, too, California cannot be ex- celled. The Metropolis of the Pacific Coast offers extra- ordinary social inducements to the visitor, the settler and the natives of the soil. The educational institutions are of the very highest degree of excellence. Society, notwith- standing the cosmopolitan character of the population, is absolutely conservative. The Municipal government quite equals any similar government of the older cities of the world, as far as I could see, and I noted that one particular essential to comfort especially. The residences are ad- mirably equipped, architecturally fascinating, and, in nu- merous instances, actually palatial. There are handsome theaters, not alone in San Francisco, but in every city and in almost every town in the State of California ; all being conducted and played in a faultless manner and under first rate direction. As a matter of fact several of the shrewdest and most capable managers, authors, actors and opera singers in the United States, in the past and to-day, graduated from sunny, amusement-loving San Francisco. The membership of the clubs is of the exclusive and can number writers, painters, musicians, raconteurs, wits, statesmen, princely merchants and the best that modern clubdom can boast. The people live with a profusion of perfume-spreading flowers for companions, and graceful tall palms and richly foliaged trees and the greenest of green lawns, no matter v/hich way you turn, to enchant the eye as if to remind one of the inestimable pleasure and de- light and calm and repose to be found in sublime nature. My dear sir, the world has hardly awakened to the ines- timable advantages offered by the God-favored lands of California. It is there that nature smiles its happiest, whether on the virgin sand-shores of the Pacific, or be- ACCEPTED 77 yorid the emerald-capped mountains, or through the sweet scented orange groves and luscious-fruited orchards. It seems to me to be an ever-smiling land, awaiting to satisfy v/ith prodigal hospitality the needs of all mankind." THE MONOCLE VENTS ITS OPINION ABOUT CHICAGO AND BOSTON AND OTHEE CITIES AND SPEAKS OF DEPRAVED POLITICAL VERSUS CLEAN MUNICIPAL. POWER —NEW YORK CITY A MAGNIFI- CENT GIANT. "You, of course, had a view of Windy City ?" asked the newspaperman. "Windy City V^ exclaimed the Monocle with an effort to recollect. "No; I do not remember having stopped over at any city of that name, indeed, I am positive ^^ "By Windy City I mean Chicago,'^ explained the news- paperman. "I thank you for your lucid explanation. Windy City ! Dear me, I suppose Chicago is so called by reason of the winds from Lake Michigan?'' "Possibly that," said the newspaperman. "I met them face to face, yet I didn't recognize anything about them at all exceptional from other winds. But your question was, I believe, as to my view of that city. Yes, I dropped in and walked between the lofty cloud-reached buildings which, with their countless commercial offices, are monumental proof of the enterprise of that very ex- traordinary and quick-grown center of industry and thrift." "Naturally, you paid a visit to Chicago's great slaughter yard ?" inquired the newspaperman. 78 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE "Naturally, I paid visits to Chicago's great University as well as to many of her admirably organized public in- stitutions and localities of princely residences," retorted the Monocle. "You evidently think well of Porkopolis ?" "I think well, indeed, highly, of Chicago," replied the Monocle. "I note in you a deep strain of reverence," declared the newspaperman. "Say as well that you note in me a keen sense of justice and a ready recognition and appreciation of that which is deserving of respect." "Don't you think that many years must elapse before Chicago can hope to come any way near New York from an educational, social, artistic and commercial standpoint ?" asked the newspaperman. "If you are very anxious to have my candid opinion, then here it is: From the points you advance for comparison, Chicago suffers not one whit, since she has taken hold of and enjoys every advantage that modern invention and cul- ture are able and ready to bestow. She can boast a clean cut social set. I like her social set. It isn't clothed in tinsel and it is thoroughly healthy and robust." "Then black-soot-smearing smoke must be of some ad- vantage after all," said the newspaperman. "I should say of decided advantage," returned the Mon- ocle. "But a devilish nuisance you'll admit?" inquired the newspaperman. "When those chimney stacks by the hundreds emit columns of curling, writhing smoke and showers of soot, remember that they represent the working of thousands of toiling men; they tell of the feeding and the clothing of families; they are the signs which remind the visitor that he has come to a home of industry where the live man may ACCEPTED 79 find labor. That smoke of which you complain, is to the laborer what the beacon light is to the mariner. That curl- ing smoke beckons the artisan to the furnace doors, while in the buzz of the monster machinery can be heard the song of welcome — the paean telling of prosperity." THE MONOCLE DECLAKES CHICAGO A WONDER- FUL CITY. "When one is reminded that once upon a time, and not so long ago, that smoky, busy, thriving, massive Chicago, like Troy, arose from the ashes, one can the better appre- ciate the push and quick thinking precocity of its founders, a go-aheadedness that obtains to this very day, a character- istic which will surely raise, not before long, either, the Western Metropolis to the proud position of being the largest populated city of the United States. Now, replying to your other questions as to its social and artistic stand- ing as compared to the Atlantic-gate city of the States, I have but to refer you to a view of the superior homes, the quite admirable conduct of the public institutions, the luxurious club advantages, the temples of amusement, the spacious parks and, what I choose to call, the astonishing mercantile arenas and the bountiful and unstinted hos- pitality, together with the hearty manner with which it is bestowed and lavished. I take it that Chicago, and the cities west of the Mississippi, are typically United States American, as are also the restful, reposeful cities of the kindly, genial South." 80 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE THE MONOCLE SPEAKS OF BOSTON AND FAIR- LY ENTHUSES OVER THE HUB. "And what about the Hub? Our School-ma'am? Our monitor ? Our Preceptor ?" asked the newspaperman. "Boston V exclaimed the Monocle; "how could I bestow other than heartfelt appreciation of that acknowledged seat of conservative commercialism and lofty learning?" "Ah, I see, you have tasted of its intellectual beans !'^ gasped the newspaperman. "Beans are much more wholesome," returned the Monocle, "than a bill of fare, ill-smelling of garlic and col- ored with the drippings of a cheap, bad claret — the very objectionable and grossly uninviting characteristics of a Fifty Cent Alien Table D'Hote." "Naturally, you will show a preference for a city so very English, you know !" "Indeed, I found the Bostonians no different from the rest of the great, good-blooded descendants of the Anglo- Saxon race; and, coming down to that very extraordinary attempt at satire, I have often met here, about being 'So very English, you know,' I would ask whether in your heart you truthfully think it a crime or ridiculous or tomfoolery or grotesque to retain and maintain the gallant customs, habits, characteristics, valor, courage and innate honor of your noble sires and the purity and chastity of your sweet mothers, who were the very sons and daughters of English men and English women? Do you hear your German- American citizen scoff his fellow countryman, or the de- cendants of Germans, with, 'So very German, you know!* or the French- American twit his blood relation with, 'So very French, you know !' or the Italian- American snarl at his compatriot, 'So very Italian, you know !' ? No, sir, you do not ! They do not make believe that their blood is di- ACCEPTED 81 luted, but pride themselves on their constant endeavor to maintain it in all its native glow. While they do honor and give allegiance to the country of their adoption, they still proudly think of the land which gave them birth and continue to regard with respect and love the companions of their childhood." "You will agree that we need not make ourselves servile imitators?'^ urged the newspaperman. "Which of you that has done so ?'^ questioned the Mon- ocle. "Let me draw a parallel: The highly bred horses that are transported to these shores from across the seas for the purpose of assuring a certain stable the best class of animals, what of them ? An enormous price is unstint- ingly given for them for the reason that their brood, it is hoped and expected, will turn out to be of equal value. The strain in the descendants is boasted by the stud-owner ; he is proud of the blood of the sire and the dam, which he sees in every step, in every vein and every characteristic of the youngsters. He tells his guest that the pride of his eye in that stall is by imported Sir Modred out of imported Fairy Queen. That owner and breeder never forgets the blue-blooded progenitors. He refers to them with pro- found respect, and his one desire is always that the equine progeny shall inherit every trait of their ancestors. When he sees his colts, those from the imported stock, step up to the chin and with rounded neck and flowing mane prance and caper, and move with noble stride, he does not say de- risively, ^so English, you know !' If he were to say it at all it would be with exultant pride. Now as for the Bostonian, I grant you that he carries the mark of his good ancestry, and, forgive me for saying it, but, so do you." "I am an American, sir!" declared the newspaperman. "In the name of heaven I never said you were a Hotten- tot !" cried the Monocle. "Of course you are an American, and, faith ! your proud progenitors came here from across 81-6 82 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE those seas and they increased and multiplied and Uncle Sam, looking down upon his frisky, high-stepping colts, ad- miringly soliloquizes thus: 'Is't any wonder my high steppers and pacers can win any race hands down, and in a canter? Their sire was Old England, dam Brittanrda! What better pedigree, I trow?' Blood, my boy, will tell in man as well as in beast. Those who affect to pooh-pooh that human fact are trying in vain to deceive themselves." "Well, let us go back to Boston,'' suggested the news- paper man. "Willingly," agreed the Monocle, "for I love the dear, historical place. Boston, like delightful and sedate Phila- delphia and aristocratic Baltimore and semi-tropical New Ch leans, and many other of your distinguished sea-girt and inland cities, is a truly Imperial representative of your country. Its women, as well as its men, carry in the van the banner of learning; they lead the march from that dig- nified University Campus whence much of the wisdom is disseminated over your land." THE MONOCLE CASTS ITS REFLECTION ON NEW YORK CITY. "And our Metropolis, what opinion may you have formed of that greatest city on all earth; that monument of all that's wonderful ; that gigantic abode of between two mill- ion and three million souls ; that political haven whence no politician cares to go beyond Albany? Speak, Monocle, oh speak," entreated the newspaperman. "A handsome city, indeed," commenced the Monocle. "A fine, prosperous looking city, but how very strange it is that so few Americans are to be found there. But that, I think, can be readily understood, for no one would expect to find a representative American in an eight-room-flat- apartment, or hemmed in by two portions of what you call ACCEPTED 83 'The Tenderloin;' nor would one expect to discover him seated at tlie blindless, exposed windows of restaurants, giv- ing the passing public the privilege of beholding him gour- mandizing. New York City has so many charming advan- tages that I really feel sorry to see that it has been evac- uated by Uncle Sam's children who have gone to the de- lightful suburbs to escape the ragged army of politicians and others. The Borough of Manhattan is, in parts, remarkably handsome and attractive, but, unfortunately, it is congested. It is narrow chested, towering sky-high, al- lowing little breathing space, no room for expansion ; every- body lives either on the top or below everybody else. The majority being compelled to live in boarding houses and lodging houses and sandwiched between loosely-built, thin- lathed, plastered walls, there is only a pretension to abso- lute privacy. Still, you are a magnificent giant among the cities of the world.'' THE ALIEN ELEMENT STRONG IN NEW YOEK. "Yes, the alien element predominates, arrogates and for- mulates until one is inclined to wonder why your House of Eepresentatives should not, for the sake of truth, be called The House of Cosmospolitans.' You have those among you who excel in bribery, according to every one of your newspapers, and I presume, therefore, the charge cannot be questioned; also in cor- ruption, shameless police scandals, defiance of law and a total ignoring of order. Accepting every one of your papers to be correct, and your Good Government committees a genuine need, your city is a Bedlam, a Babylon and a hot- bed for the worst and most contaminating political huck- sters that could be collected in any part of the civilized world. Your police are charged openly with being consort with crime, and with warning those against whom war- 84 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE rants are issued, so tliey may escape ; and, actually, to poli- ticians is attributed the dangerous and pitiable and rot- ting condition of the most wonderfully constructed of all wonderful bridges. The churches have sought protection for the citizens against infamy, and the pulpits have echoed and re-echoed condemnation, have appealed and suppli- cated, and joined hands with laymen in the hope of remedy- ing the degradation and wrongs at their doors; Grand Juries have been impaneled to investigate hideous and dark official deeds. Committees of Investigation, besides, have been appointed and have sat for months probing, or trying to probe, into the depths of alleged crime; author- ity has been defied even by officials under direct examina- tion; impudence and audacity have been rampant; bom- bastic refusals to reply to legitimate questions put by the chairman appointed to sit in judgment by the Governor of the State have been common ; a magistrate flushed mth his sense of duty, and determined, so far as was in his power, that the ends of justice should not be defeated, has even himself headed a party of arresting officers, and so many things have happened, are happening and will continue to happen, not consonant with the dignity of so fine a Metro- polis of so great a country, that one staggers in dismay and wonders and ponders for a reasonable answer to it all. What is the matter with the people to allow it ? That ques- tion I have heard time and time again." "Have you fathomed the secret?'^ the newspaperman asked. "The cause is in the political-alien element which rules and fools and defies the people of the soil. I speak, re- member, from what 1 read, not in a politically biased or prejudiced press, but in the columns of reputable news- papers of all shades of politics; newspapers unanimously calling for better, cleaner, purer and truly representative Municipal Government. Please do not allow my remarks ACCEPTED 85 to read as referring in any way to your National or Fed- eral Institutions or Statesmen, for such is not intended. I allude solely to your Municipal authorities and the cal- lous controllers of Municipal representatives. I am doing a bit of pig-sticking or tilting at the hogs that are scrambling and fattening at your Municipal trough. "There will, I know, be those who will splutter con- demnation over me, for it is only human nature after all to rebel against a criticism which is not laudatory. But let me say here, that in replying to your anxious and urgent questions I truthfully, and without fear or favor. Join the ranks of your clergyman, your priest, your judge, your most representative heads of the body commercial ; in short, I but echo the condemnations trum^peted by your press and the whole of your self-respecting citizens. In a previous in- terview I gave you, which in one or two respects I would certainly now modify, I might have dealt with this vital question but for the fact that I had not read of, or studied the Municipal problem which is so agitating you. Of course, a change for the better will come. It may take years. However, if you are ready and willing to wait, you know all things will come to you. What bothers my compre- hension is the fact that, though your highly esteemed citi- zens are perpetually in arms against the existing state of affairs, still the wrong men are permitted to boldly con- trol matters just the same. Therefore, I take it that your good intentioned reformer is much in the minority, since the majority of the voters seat in the cozy-padded official chairs the very men who are objectionable, and against whom the severest condemnation is hurled.^' Read of the Rookeries in Sunday's Issue. the Daily Inflatea Homes of the Poor in Sunday's Issue. Vol. XXIV New York, Wednesday, September 18, 1901 Price 5 Cents FOUND DEAD FROM STAR VATION AMID HOR- RIBLE SURROUND- INGS IN A TENEMENT UNFIT FOR CATTLE TO SHEL- TER IN. The body of an unknown wo man, almost naked, showing signs of terrible poverty, was found at 100 Rookery Flats last night. The unfortunate creature, judging from her emaciated condition, had evi- dently died from starvation. It was learned later that the deceased may be Mrs. Milton Maple, who, through losses, was reduced to beggary some year or so ago. She was known about the neighborhood as "The Lonely Lady." At her feet was found an essay on "Philan- thropy and Advice to Philan- thropists — How best to dis- tribute their wealth since it has become to some of them a very trying question." The body was taken to the Morgue, where an inquest will be held. In an upper room in the same building was found the body of an old man. He was recognized as John Thrift. In a letter he left he admitted hav- ing received aid from several charitable people, but ill-luck followed him and preyed upon his mind. At the foot of the note he wrote: "I am now old, and in these days an old man, or woman, seems as much out of place as an old horse. Yes, it would seem that our useful- ness has passed, or, we are made to believe so." THE MONOCLE VIEWS THE HOMES OF THE POOR OF THE METROPOLIS OF THE UNITED STATES. STUNNED BY THE SHAME- FUL CONDITION OF THE DWELLINGS, RECOMMENDS IMPROVE- MENTS. "So you have made a study of the housing of our poor?" the newspaperman asked. "Most certainly," the Mon- ocle replied, with much em- phasis. "I heard so many com- pare the poor of the old coun- try with the poor of the United States that I made it my busi- ness to study the condition of the unfortunate of your great- est city. I conclude that the majority of those who make the comparison know either nothing at all of the subject or are incapable of appreciating the suffering at their doors." "Then the results of your ex- periences are?" "That for a modern city, your New York presents a de- plorable spectacle so far as the poor are concerned. I am not in the least surprised to find that, with warmth, your very able and watchful press has often bemoaned the very shock- ing condition that exists." "Yet our charitable institu- tions are many and the money contributed by the charitably disposed, to say nothing of tha £6 ACCEPTED 87 sums paid out by the City and State Governments, is sim- ply enormous. You will, at least, admit as much?" de- manded the newspaperman. "I do not refer to that class which is cared for by public funds. I allude to the industrious population that is desir- ous of being, and is able to be, self-sustaining. I affirm, sir^ that in no other city in the world could the housing of the industrious poor be more inhumane, more shameful or more at variance with the superfine ethics and elevating sestheti- cism laid down by civilization. THE NEW YOEK TENEMENTS. ^Trom the lower East side of New York City to well up- town, much, too, on the West side, can be seen any summer day or night a condition of bodily and mental suffering that rivals description." "You will admit it would be a hard matter to care for so many unhappy thousands?" asked the newspaperman. "I admit nothing of the sort. Those of the class for whom I speak are, generally, industrious and ask no care, no charity, only decent habitation in return for the ex*» tortionately high rent demanded. As things are they must exist in quarters unfit even for animals." '^To whom do you attribute such a state of affairs ?" "To your Public Health Department for one," replied the Monocle, with much warmth. "The Health Department of the City of New York is efficient and is always on the alert; it performs its duty," said the newspaperman in a tone indicating that he knew what he was talking about. "Were the Health Department of this highly populated city doing its duty, were it on the alert, as you say, it would bring to the Courts of Justice those persons who own the hovels, and grow fat on the rents therefrom. If after proper and decisively swift notice such owners neglected to re- build their ramshackle dens, or improve and make them 88 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE habitable and fit for human occupancy, they should be charged with maintaining a nuisance, in as much as they suffered fellow Christians to pay for rent and live in dwell- ings unfit for human habitation. Get at the landlord ! He is the person to bring to account ; he is the one to see to it that there are no leaks and apertures to let in the rains and the cold blasts of the terrible, pitiless winters en- countered here. I wonder if such a person ever stops to think of the comfortless hearths of his tenants and of the inability of many of them to provide themselves with even coal to ward off the biting frost and penetrating winds that coine in at the creaking doors and dilapidated, foul-smell- ing passages and ill-fitting windows ?" "But, my dear Monocle, in a week after repairs had been completed wouldn't the class whose comfort you champion have their rooms and halls and stairs and passages in as bad order as ever?'' asked the newspaperman. "To that I unhesitatingly say, No ! Those rookeries have been allowed to decay for years," declared the Monocle. "Again, I will ask you whether the class of tenants un- der discussion would guard and maintain the property if it were put in good condition?" "There should be regulations that would require of each tenant a proper care of the property and a strict observance of hygienic rules. Should he be careless of sanitary laws and order, his obstinacy could be met with ejectment, after due caution, of course. Such a stand on the part of the landlord would teach the poor class to respect, and, ulti- mately, admire the regulations compelling cleanliness." "But can you teach that class?" asked the newspaper- man. "If the untamed savage can be reached and shown the advantage of civilization, why could not those of the care- less poor be brought to appreciate the benefits to be derived from reasonable care of property and, also, the inestimable ACCEPTED 89 blessing and comfort to be gained from the use of soap? There is much persuasive power in invitation and encour- agement. So let your rent-gatherer invite scrupulous care on the part of the tenant. A kindly word will go a great way and will, nine cases out of ten, create appreciation and good will. It is too often the case that the rent-collector bulldozes and blusters and snaps at the luckless occupant of a rookery-shamble, taking his rent something after the fashion of a hungry wolf pouncing upon its prey. If the landlord would do his share, I guarantee you that the hous-" ing of the poor would no longer remain a troublesome theme to the philanthropist and sociologist.'' The Inflated is going up all the time. CDe Daily Inflated Get a Hymnal with Sunday's Issue. Vol. XXIV New York, Thursday, September 19th, 1901 Price B Cents HOSPITAL SCANDAL— LIT- TLE ACCOMMODATION FOR THE POOR- RED TAPE A TERROR! The press of this city has often protested against the slip- shod methods and faulty medi- cal opinions practiced and de- cided in certain hospitals. The poor suffer too often a lack of attention, and, consequently, their pain is accelerated by forms and red tape and a want of adequate accommodation. The press of this city, some while ago, exposed the shock- ing treatment of the insane poor. The revelations were such as to cause a shudder in the whole community. The fact is there is not sufficient accommodation for the sick poor; a matter that will sooner or later have to be looked into with the same thoroughness as is shown for crippled animals by the watchful officials of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Here is a chance for the gold-weighted Philanthropist, if he would have his name engraved on the memory of all mankind. We are sure that this matter has only to be brouglit to the atten- tion of those good Philanthro- pists who are ever ready to heed and adopt advice in behalf of the helpless sufferer. SO THE PHILANTHROPIST RE- CEIVES ATTENTION FROM THE MOIiOGLE INTERVIEWED ON THE SUBJECT OP FABU- LOUS GIFTS TO WELL PROTECTED IN- STTTUTIONS. HAS MUCH OF MOMENT TO SUGGEST. "Naturally you have given our great and good Philan- thropists a thought?" the news- paperman asked, with a smile. "You have among you many estimable and extraordinarily wealthy gentlemen, whose phil- anthropy, if it can be so called, tends toward the filling of the coffers of your colleges and universities, founding chairs of learning and building Public Libraries in cities where excellent libraries already ex- ist." "Your answer is not sug- gestive of praise for such mag- nanimity," the newspaperman said plainly and with a super- cilious smile. "How can you expect me to reach the sublime height of en- tluisiasm v^hen I consider that, at least, some of the millions being donated in the cause of education, already well and generously cared for, might be divided so as to alleviate the suffering of many of the help- less among us? While acknowl- ACCEPTED 91 edging the needs of education, I cannot forget that there exists intense and agonizing suffering at your very doors. There are pleas from your hungry and prayers from your crippled; there are death-beds made scenes of horror by reason of the deplorable poverty and the murdering-starva- tion of the one passing to the Great Beyond. Oh, ye build- ers of costly libraries, ye great and good men, would that your foot-steps strayed into the courts and the alleys, the by-ways, alias sad-ways, the tottering brick barracks of the army of the poor, scorched and baking furnaces in your tor- rid summers and Arctic regions m your relentless winters ! Your agents, your representatives, your parsons, priests, missionaries, Salvationists (good souls), can in one breath divulge to ye stories of poverty, that would make ye feel like turning those magnificent book-homes into Asylums and Eetreats for those who, through misfortune alone, are being dragged down, down, down, deeper and deeper ; hun- gry for love, hungry for one word of hope, hungry for the touch of a kindly hand, hungry for a last consoling word.'' "But won't the advancement of education, in time, les- sen the suffering ?" asked the newspaperman. "First of all the material condition of the masses must be cared for, the body nourished and properly housed. WitB that foundation successfully accomplished, would come the desire to devour the Philanthropist's literature." "What would you, as a world-wide traveler and student of human nature suggest, supposing that I had the good fortune to seek the distribution of a few stray millions?" asked the newspaperman. THE PKOPER HOUSING OF THE POOR A GREAT NECESSITY. "I would say to you this," replied the Monocle, "I would say : Expend, at any rate, a part of the money you wish to 92 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE distribute for the welfare of mankind, in the erection of model dwellings to be let out at such rental as would meet the convenience of the very limited pockets of the most lowly and, at the same time, to be arranged so as to cover the expense of conducting and keeping the establishments in the best possible condition. Flats on the same principle as the Model Lodging Houses of London, with spacious court-yards for the benefit of the children, should be adopted and all should be under the watchful management of an intellectual superintendent; intellectual, mind you, who would demand that cleanliness and good order be rig- orously observed on the part of the tenants. I would call the foundation of such institutions good philanthropy and, besides, they would be lasting monuments to the generous founders. Mind you,I do not presume for a moment to criti- cise the noble gentlemen who lavish their millions for the educational advancement of their less fortunate brothers, but, I do think that much of the money could be dis- tributed in the manner I suggest, a course which would prove a blessing and a saviour to many thousands." THE CHILDEEN OF THE POOR WOULD REAP THE BENEFIT, SAYS THE MONOCLE, AT THE SAME TIME AGREEING THAT THERE IS PLENTY OF CHARITY IN OUR FAIR LAND. "The children of the poor, especially, would be benefited. They would be benefited by the superior surroundings, and, in that alone, a brighter, cleaner, more circumspect life might be expected. You have many more great and good hearted men who are probably contemplating as to the best means of helping their fellow-citizens. No better gift could ACCEPTED 93 be made, no more needed institutions could be founded as a result of their munificence than the Model Lodging Houses I take the liberty to suggest/^ THE MONOCLE SEES GREAT GOOD IN THE WORLD. "The world/' continued the Monocle, "grows greater and richer every day and with the marvelous accumula- tion of wealth, of course, it is a glorious state to note the unselfish and extraordinary dispensation of means to aid in the betterment of the people's education. In face of such munificence I marvel at the audacity of men who set themselves up as censors, denouncers and enemies of the rich ;of men too ready to influence and distract the minds of their blind followers. Those very men who cry down curses upon the heads of the wealthy, might probably not do half, or a quarter, as well did fortune endow them with the same riches. It really only needs the distribution of such stupendous sums of money, as have been given, in the direc- tion which will more directly reach the masses, to make them understand and know and feel that the generous givers of millions have striven to accumulate wealth, not alone for themselves and their families, but for the good of all mankind. Who, my dear sir, will deny that we are liv- ing in an age of generosity? Who will dare stand up to- day and, in all conscience, acclaim the moneyed man an enemy of the common people? Never was such charity known as now, never was the world in so bright a condition, never were the people of all nations so arrayed in the armor of industry and thrift. And the keener the competition between the respective nations, the better shall it be for all. Competition is an exhilarating elixir. It infuses into the blood a desire to do better than one's neighbor ; it keeps the 94 INTEBVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE wheel of industry revolving and, consequently, if not all, then the greater part of the world is employed. The poor will be wherever you go, wheresoever you may turn, and for that class which in your great Metropolis, as in all other cities, must, it seems, be present, I have already spoken. I have pointed out the terribly dilapidated, uninviting and crime-germed condition of their homes. If my views are heeded, the lives of the unfortunate may be made more bearable and fit to withstand the climatic severities which even cut down those who are comfortably and luxuriously sheltered. Yes, my de&r sir, there is plenty of charity in your fair land, but does it always find its way along the right channels?" Get our pictures of Justice as we see it. Cbe Daily Tnflatca See our Political Cartoons. Vol. XXIV New York, Friday, September 20th, 1901 Price 5 Cents STRANGE FORMS OF JUS- THE MONOCLE IS DEEPLY TICE. IS THERE EQUALITY IN OUR LAW COURTS, OR ONE LAW FOR RICH AND ONE FOR THE POOR? Mr. Brazen Nuggets, who as far back as two years ago was charged with embezzling the funds of the Bing-Go Bang Bank, this city, which proceed- ing brought ruin upon some thousands of citizens, was brought up for sentence yester- day. Owing to the prostrate condition of his great grand- mother, Mr. Brazen Nuggets was released on his own recog- nizance, which means that there is no immediate fear of his ever receiving a sentence for his breach of trust as man- ager of the defunct bank. In the same court Thomas Strivehard was sentenced to three months for getting an honest living, but without first having obtained a peddler's license to do so. For stealing a loaf, Sandy Breadless was sentenced to ten years' imprisonment. His wife pleaded that starvation in- stigated her husband to commit the larceny. The sickly appear- ance of her six children in court quite corroborated her state- ment. A collection was taken up for the poor family in the court room. The Society for the Protection of Women and Children took up the case. IMPRESSED WITH THE WANT OF ADMINIS- ISTRATION OF JUSTICE. SAYS THAT IN THIS LAND OF BOASTED EQUALITY THERE IS A CONSPICUOUS ABSENCE OF THAT DE- SIRABLE AND NECES- SARY COMMODITY. "You will admit, and, doubt- less, you have observed, that every man has a chance in this country," said the newspaper- man. "I would like to remark that it is really very satisfactory to say the kindest things of every- one and of everything. It is a source of pleasure to record the best, but it is, you must own, a false sentiment to pass over glaring faults, to gloss over those injustices which exist or treat lightly those things which conspire to make justice a farce and trial by jury a Gil- bertian extravaganza. '^ "Please explain." "Only this morning, sir, I clipped from one of your very important and excellent jour- nals the following: " 'It seems to be easy enough to convict a man who steals a loaf of bread, but when it comes to the looting of a bank or a United States Mint insur- mountable obstacles seem to be in the way of getting at the culprit!' P? 96 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE "And referring to a financial crash in Germany, another editorial comments: " 'We have yet, however, to see whether German law pun- ishes financial escapades more certainly and more severely than they are punished in this country, where our State and National Constitutions are a great protection to rich rogues !' "Those expressions, sir, I give you from an eminently representative, clean, conservative and able United States paper ; and so it seems to me, after a careful and unpreju- diced observation, an observation corroborated by your watchful and clever Journals, that your justice miscarries and is even dallied with and made the most pronounced of failures in numbers of, and exceedingly, flagrant cases/' "You mean to say in all candor that we fail in that most vital institution?^' asked the newspaperman. "Your people say so and your newspapers know so and say so. But if you are satisfied to allow your guilty ones to escape on mere playful and convenient technicalities that is your business. The injustices are palpable and many." "Will you cite a few instances?'' the newspaperman asked, evidently much interested in the subject. "Instances occur daily," went on the Monocle, "and no man is such a dunder-headed blockhead as not to notice them and regret the flagrant and malodorous miscarriages of your justice which smell to the depths of Hell !" "Do you infer that our judicial machinery is all wrong?" the newspaperman asked. "I charge that the works are decidedly out of gear, and that for the good of society the sooner repaired and brought up to a normal and civilized condition the better it will be for the security of life and property." "What, then, is the matter?" asked the newspaperman. "Yes, what, indeed, is the matter ? I asked myself, when only recently I read in your papers of a gentleman who had ACCEPTED &7 been summering and wintering for ten years in a prison in the State of Washington, he having been condemned to death time and time again, yet, for that long period suc- cessfully availed himself of technicalities — technicalities, not justice, mind you, to rob the rope of its just attach- ment. Thinlv of it, that a man adjudged guilty can dodge the executioner for ten years ! Such a marvel, together with his legal champion, ought to have been pensioned for his natural life and relegated to your most prominent law libraries as authority in the art of baffling the courts, and as an expert in monkeying with your scales of justice. Verily, the poor starving outcast who robs the baker of his penny roll receives a thousand times punishment and degradation, yet your high-class, money-propped scoundrel and rogue somehow escapes that stern justice which is sup- posed to stand for rich and poor alike. Men found guilty of cowardly murder after exhaustive trials, even in your great City of New York, where one would naturally sup- pose Justice must be secured to all, find loop-holes through which they are successfully drawn by their adroit counsel ; of course all this, providing the criminal is able to supply the money to juggle with your jurisprudence. And in face of all this you have the sublime assurance to boast equality! Your refined, educated and society-pampered murderer wins floral crowns, bouquets and release, while your anemic, untaught, uncultivated and brain-stunted murderer must bow his uncanny head to justice and suffer the flesh-singeing death-volts of your electric chair.''* "J^B.^ MONOCLE ASSAILS OUE LYNCHING PAKTIES. "It is said in defense of your self-elected executioners, othervv^ise lynchers, that they resort to hangings and burn- 97-7 98 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE ings at the stake for the reason that they have no confidence in the very men they themselves choose to administer the law. One can quite understand a community arising in indignation against the perpetrators of a brutal act, but it seems incomprehensible that a people desiring that the law shall be observed, should be so eager themselves to break law and order, defy authority, and outrage, by the most barbaric methods, every sense of humanity and justice. I read a terrible account in your papers of the lynching of some men who were alleged to have stolen some trivial ar- ticles. Without trial or explanation a mob conducted them, according to reports dragged them, with ropes around their necks to their murder. The authorities took the matter up, but it was freely admitted that a jury would be afraid to convict the lynchers. If, therefore, your law-breakers are powerful enough to successfully threaten, or intimidate, those who may be called upon to decide as to the guilt or in- nocence of the accused, then were it not better to ring down the curtain on the evident farce of Trial by Jury ? By your very inaction and failure to bring the guilty barbarians to the bar of Justice you admit a startling weakness. You own up that the mob is stronger than your courts. You take for granted that the rising of a score or more of blood- thirsty citizens may supersede your judges and laugh to scorn the admirable law writ on the pages of your statute books. Your Press calls for Justice, demands the in- dictment of your lynchers, deplores the disgrace that such law-breakers bring down upon the community, but all to no avail. If, by chance, an indictment were found, it would doubtless be pigeon-holed or lost forever in the political sewers." "You must remember that such intimidation exists only in the sparsely populated districts," declared the news- paperman, "that is, if such a condition really exists." ACCEPTED 99 "Exists !" cried the Monocle aghast at the interviewer's attempt to doubt the existence of actual fear in those men, who under oath, and as good citizens, are called upon to do their duty fearlessly and without favor. "Such an ad- mission of cowardly submission to mob-rule is, to say the least, deplorable/' "The highest and the most lowly of our people live under a glorious protection !" exclaimed the newspaperman. "Where is the protection when men are suffered to be dragged from their homes like dogs and hanged, burned at the stake or otherwise maltreated and maimed without so much as a hearing?" asked the Monocle. "We must look these eccentricities of your liberty-loving people squarely in the eye." "Do you not think the provocation justifies the results ?" asked the newspaperman. "Your laws do not provide, because you are provoked, you may take life to satisfy your outraged feelings. You have ample law, you elect a sufficient number of upright Judges and you maintain all the requisites to punish of- fenders legally without having to resort to those barbaric methods which were practiced in the ages you are so ready to hold as exemplifying the dark past, compared with the enlightened present. Those communities which arrogate to themselves a license to defy your good law must be taught one day — ^let us hope not far distant — the power and the stern effect of your legal tribunals. As it is at present you have among you those who wantonly usurp the right to bring down punishment on the heads of the alleged wrong- doer, whereas they themselves are absolute and swaggering criminals in that they defy and ignore the very laws that have been framed purposely to secure that impartial and fair judgment which it is every man's right to expect and, I had supposed, to demand. It is a blot upon your fair nation when men assemble with rope and faggot to mete 100 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE out punishment on men and women to whom they even deny the inalienable right of defense! The miscreant- executioners make sure their victims shall die not only an ignominious, but an awful death, and yet the unfortunates might be able to prove their innocence were they permitted the opportunity to offer, even, explanation. On mere hear- say, or suspicion, your lynchers hasten in gala fashion to outrage the honor and the dignity of the law-abiding of your great land." BULL FIGHTS AND MASSACRES IN FOEEIGN LANDS DISTURB US, YET LYNCHING IS TOLERATED. "You shrink at the brutality in the arena when crim- soned and bespattered with the blood of the helpless beasts which fall from the flesh-piercing jabs and the slashing cuts of the Toreador. You are horrified, horrified, horrified at the slaughter of our fellows by a people who feel aggrieved by what to them seems our impertinent inter- ferences with their mode of worship. They resent our in- trusion upon their privacy and our meddling with their centuries-old manners and customs; still we do not relax our inroads into their homes and we threaten the existence of their beloved institutions. They rebel and assassinate the destroyers of their ancient prerogatives, but is their assassination of the impudent intruders and meddlers and wreckers of their ancient, and to them satisfactory, cus- toms, worse, or so bad as the deplorable and vicious lynch- ings that occur in your very midst — wanton, cruel murders by those who have had the advantage of modern civiliza- tion, refined ecclesiasticism and improved and ideal govern- ment? Halt your soldiers and anchor your marvelous sea- batteries and look first to it that your own house is clear ACCEPTED 101 of those assassins and inhuman monsters who drag prob- ably many an innocent one to a shocking and spectacular death r "Then you won^t admit that our exceedingly dilatory and uncertain methods of administering Justice, palliate to some extent the peremptory and extreme measures some times adopted to secure quick punishment?" asked the newspaperman. "You cannot advance even the slow-coach methods of your law-courts as an excuse for mob-law/' the Monocle declared emphatically. "At any rate, you will acknowledge that if the accused were quickly tried, as, for instance, would be the case in your country, there would be an end to the people taking the law into their own hands?" asked the newspaperman. "It seems to me you have a class among you always ready and equipped to carry out vengeance wherever and when- ever an opportunity presents itself. You have your White- caps ; you have those who go about smashing and destroying property in the name of something or other ; you have those who take upon themselves the right to expel a fellow-citizen from their midst just because they feel like doing so; and you boast of others equally officious and offensively imper- tinent, despotic, cruel and unmerciful. I, an alien, since you request my views, ask you: How dare a set of your bullies and your irresponsibles ignore your law and trample on the rights of others who are not in sympathy with the lawless putting to death of a fellow-creature? The PooBahs who promote and compose your Quick-Execution-Assem- blies are not one whit better than Sicilians and Neapoli- tans, who with bloody knife sustain the Mafia ; they are de- cidedly more atrocious than the almond-eyed defenders of Confucius — the Boxers, and, indeed, may be placed on equal and parallel lines with the distinguished cowards 102 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE who assassinate under the name and by the grace of those subterranean rodents, the Highbinders/' "Do you not allow your sympathy to get the better of your judgment?'' asked the newspaperman. "Sympathy and judgment in my case are synonymous. When I read a short while ago of the barbaric lynching of a mother, daughter and son my sympathy for the outraged was unbounded, while my judgment, naturally, prompted me to condemn the miscreants in a manner unqualifiedly bitter. The newspaper reports of the lynching showed how the three were hanged, their bodies riddled with bullets; how the lynchers ignored appeals even from a Judge and District Attorney who were brushed aside, and went on to describe the tearful prayers and entreaties of the unfor- tunate women for mercy, the arrival of the Governor of the State some few minutes, however, after the lynching had been accomplished, and his earnest command to the people to remember their duty as citizens and their obligations to the law. In spite of appeals it was feared that ten others might be done to death by the lynchers, consequently, the Governor ordered troops to be ready to rush to the scene of the outrages. The very next day there were no less than three more accounts of men done to death under exactly the same lawless circumstances. Again, a day or two later, your papers came out with further startling announcements which read as follows : " 'Murderer of a Eancher's Wife Eoasted to Death,' and " 'Three Innocent Men Put to Death.' "Heaven knows your Press is outspoken enough in its condemnation of these frequent and increasing defiances of the law, and as one influential journal remarked editor- ially: ACCEPTED 103 " ^That such acts disgrace our Nation and tend to graver consequences than many realize is suffi- ciently evident/ "The hour is not far distant when such deeds must be prevented by a firm, if terrible example, for if your civil law is not equal to the occasion, then your military power will be expected to back it up and enforce it/' STEALING FRANCHISES. "I think you will admit that we are a free and easy peo- ple, won't you ?" "You are most certainly a most easy people when the Civic officers of one of your most delightful and prosperous cities are actually allowed to give away a valuable fran- chise in spite of the fact that an enterprising and reputable townsman, smarting under the questionable action, comes forward and makes a handsome m^oney offer of over two million dollars for the same privileges. Your papers de- clare the arrangement between the City Fathers and the Corporation 'A Steal,' and then it is that your citizens awake from their lethargy and cry out, 'Corruption !' Your financiers smile sardonically and the good-hearted gentle^ men, who have so generously voted to give up the city's valuable property for not so much as the value of a peanut, remain complaisant and snug. Verily, dear brother as thou sayst, thou art an easy people, but, the gods confound me, if you are a free people. This illustration is but one proof of how effectually you are led by the nose by thdse in whom you admit you have no confidence whatsoever. It is all very strange yet it may only be the barbed-wire eccen- tricities which hedge in a Free-Voting People." CDC Daily imam Vol. XXIV New York, Saturday, September 21st, 1901 Price 5 Cents THE DAILY INFLATED TO THE CITIZENS OF THE U. S. A. A JOURNALISTIC PRONUN- CIAMENTO. It is seldom that we venture, editorially, upon the first page of this paper, and when we have done so it has been to ex- pose some opinion on moment- ous National events. Once more the sound of the assassin's pistol shot has been heard and a brave and true and tender- hearted gentleman, the Chief- Executive of our land, has been the victim. Be it known to all good men that we arise in in dignation, with hearts, at the same time, bleeding with sad ness and welling over with love and respect for the memory of the stricken one. We denounce in unmeasured terms those who incite to riot and encourage the less fortunate to believe that the^ hand of the wealthy is against them. We applaud those who would harmonize the classes, and we express abhorrence of those who create class-hatred, disruption and bloody lawlessness. It is our duty, one and all, if we regard the welfare of our fair country, to call a halt and make it understood that while freedom shall ever be enjoyed license shall be stopped in its impudent inroads and insidi- ous progress. THE MONOCLE PAYS HIGH TRIBUTE TO OUR MARTYRED PRESIDENT. TIMELY OBSERVATIONS WORTH STUDYING.— FLAYS THE UNPATRIOTIC POLITICIANS AND DEALS WITH THE ALIEN AND THE AS- SIMILATED VOTER. A representative of The In- flated again interviewed the Monocle yesterday, when mat- ters of political importance were discussed as they affect Municipal affairs. The Monocle also paid graceful homage to our Presidents, past and pres- ent. "Politics plays a too obstru- sive part in your land. Its ex- ponents, in a vast number of cases, are, according to authen- tic reports, positively devoid of honor and patriotism. Theg depend solely upon politics for a livelihood, caring not a straw for name or country, so long as their mercenary object is successful. Some call them 'Smart,' others, the honest folk, call them by their proper name — 'Knaves!' I would add to that and call them Traitors. They have no care for the wel- fare of the Nation nor the city they do, or would, control. They have no scruples in bartering and selling the rights of the people; they do so every day of their lives. They have not the first idea of political honor — political rascality is their motto and, taking all 104 ACCEPTED 105 things into consideration, they do exceedingly well, that is, for themselves. I often wonder if they stop to think of the unfathomable depth of their consummate audacity! But, like all knaves, I suppose they laugh coldly and heedlessly up their narrow sleeves as they scoop in their ill-gotten spoils. Frequently it is charged that the man with a TulF controls not alone the political machine but the courts and the court officials as well. Evidently the man with a Tull' has an easy time of it, while his unfortunate dependents must be depleted, riddled and bankrupted at his hands. Such a man has no mercy. He is a drainer, an octopus, a leech, and ought as such to be loosened of his inglorious grip and lashed beyond the city's boundary. You have men of untarnished name and pure reputation, men who value the honor of their country more than life itself, yet when all the outcry rises above the house tops against corruption and dirty politics, their honored names are rarely an- nounced for office. I say, out with your beer-stained, malo- dorous pot-house politician ! Dismiss him ! Ignore him ! Overshadow him if he will obtrude the presence of his un- holy substance side by side with the substantial and pa- triotic form of the intelligent, the honorable and the self- aacrificing ! If you love your cities, if you revere your coun- try, band yourselves into one immense and impregnable body with the resolution that the most noble of your men are alone fit to sit in your Municipal Assemblies. I would go so far as to prohibit other than American-born from holding any Government office, National or Civic. I believe v.qth those Americans who say : America for Americans ; at the same time, outside of official positions, assuring all the hospitality and social and business advantages to the naturalized citizen. That gentleman, the naturalized cit- izen, should not be entitled to vote for at least five years after he has been adopted, when his fitness might be de- termined. From what I have seen it strikes me very for- 106 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE cibly that some of the most disgruntled among you, some of the most bitter antagonists to your law, some of the most vicious denouncers of peace and order and the railers against high and distinguished authority, are those you have adopted, in the hope and trust that you were giving into their safe and honorable keeping the key to the cham- bers whence come the laws of Protection, Justice, National Dignity and Popular Eight. It is that very class that spits on respectability and hydrophobically froths its cheers for its own demoralized set. It is apparently a mighty strong voice, but not so strong, I ween, but what it could be muffled by the more contented and patriotic of your glor- ious land/^ ''Do you mean that this free country should limit free- dom of speech ?" asked the newspaperman. "Limit anything that is annoying and stop anything that is dangerous," returned the Monocle. "And, my dear sir, do you not think it advisable, also, to enquire well and thoroughly into the healthful political as well as social antecedents of those suspicious persons entering this coun- try?" "While agreeing with you," returned the newspaper- man, "I might ask whether you were not in some way affiliated with the late Li Hung Chang?" "How so ?" asked the Monocle. "Well, I am here to interview you, but I find, instead, that you are interviewing me." "Yes, possibly, I may have inherited the art of Oriental jugglery from a paternal Monocle that had the privilege of a long diplomatic residence in that flowery land, which recently might have been plucked into a half score of pieces by as many longing Nations, but for the distraction of the cunning and subtle entertainment by Impressario. Li Hung Chang, entitled 'How to Hoodwink the Great Powers, or, Celestial Illnsions.' But some, sir, learn from ACCEPTED 107 silent observation, while I, following the method of my lamented friend Li, it is true, reap an advant- age from questioning those who, knowing so much more than myself, would, strangely enough, ques- tion me. But there is one great and momentous sub- ject before the eyes of your country; a subject which sev- enty-three millions of people have been made to hear in two pistol shots; shots only from a thirty-two calibre revolver, yet with a report so loud, together with an object so dastardly, and an injury to a lovable, good and generous man so deep that all human forbearance has at last been reached and the cry of your Nation, a cry in one sonorous voice, echoed by other sympathetic Nations, calls for safety for authority, and rightly demands respect and sup- port for all good and accepted government. The peoples of the world have stood with one throbbing and weeping heart at the bedside of your beloved, martyred President. We wept together on the receipt of the first shocking intel- ligence; we prayed together that the Great Providence might spare to us that noble man whose untimely death was sought by one of the most despicahle cowards that have ever drawn the breath of life. We, in the consciousness of that awful suffering and the Christian fortitude of the stricken gentleman, act as one and with one object in denunciation of the lawless, in condemning the flippant insulter of authority, in making it plainly understood that the assassin and those who urge him can have no resting place in these lands; in giving expression of abhorrence of those who, in the guise of friends of the masses, inflame the already ungainly and crippled brains of fanatics, the ignorant and half-witted, and in sounding one ringing indictment against the greasy-palmed rascals who so malignantly and mischievously and traitorously attempt to spread an unreasoning and mad discord, by pitting class 108 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE against class, the LABOEER against the CAPITALIST, the POOR against the RICH. "Your Presidents have all been gentlemen of the very- highest character," continued the Monocle, "and the people have always chosen wisely. The distinguished President, whose pure life was foully taken by the cowardly assassin, proved himself to be the man of the hour — statesmanlike, forbearing, conservative, charitable and in every sense fitted to lead this thrifty, pushing, seventy-three millions of people. He was a man of power, a man of many parts, a man of nerve, and one possessing the grand and solid foundation of a clean and honest conscience. I think no matter what complexion his politics, his bitterest political foe will admit so much. You have lately gone through a National, I might better say an International, trial, the conduct of which, besides placing you on an equality with the great fighting Nations of the world, proved the remark- able ability of the world-mourned martyred President. Generations yet to come will read of him as we have read of Washington and as we have known Lincoln, and, I dare say, with even a deeper thrill of enthusiasm." "Do I understand you to say that the martyred President will stand out even beyond the two great men you have named ?" asked the newspaperman. "That is my opinion — and my prediction. The times of Washington and Lincoln have changed. In their day, of course, heroic deeds were performed and great acts of statesmanship were achieved, but, when all was accom- plished, you settled down as a family. You were content in your own domain, and beyond that you were regarded as provincial. You had not awakened in the bosom of the outer world the admiration which was due you." "Why so ?" the newspaperman demanded. "For the very reason that you were satisfied to remain a quiet, peaceable, inoffensive circle ; you abstained from tak- ACCEPTED 10J> ing any decided or important part in the councils of the world." "Do you not think that it was much the wiser plan to nurse and nourish our enormous industries at home than to go abroad mingling with diplomats and taking part in international complications?'' asked the newspaperman. "My dear sir, you have leaped out from your shell ; you have, in a word, revealed yourselves, and having thus come into National existence among Nations, your prominence has been admitted with startling concern. With your new- born prominence has come a corresponding ascendency in the markets of the world; your industries have increased, your representatives abroad are respected as never before, your word is stronger, you are heeded where prior to this evolution you were politely acknowledged. Your youth has grown in ardor and respects with thrilling pride its flag for its true importance in every quarter of the globe; you have relieved the oppressed while you have successfully carried to them liberty and good government, and if your beneficiaries ever fail to fully avail themselves of the better condition you have so substantially bestowed upon them, in that case they will be the losers.'^ "Then you think we have the colonizing idea in good shape ?'' "As to that I would refer you and your doubting Tomases to the amazingly satisfactory improvements already effected in the lands you have recently acquired or protected. To the improved sanitary condition you have introduced, is due the better health of the people; to the reasonable law you have carried with you is due the tran- quility where before was fear, outrage, indescribable bar- barity and depravity, and on every hand official cruelty. You went, as it were, into a disordered household, made a thorough cleaning up and set everything in good order. 110 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE having showered over the whole the blessings of a glorious liberty." "Do you believe us to be the hero worshipers that some would make us out to be?" asked the newspaperman. "Hero worshipers!" exclaimed the Monocle, in a tone full of wonder at the question; "you are a people without ideals. I have gathered from your very own lips, too, that you have not the slightest respect for ancestry, no matter how distinguished. You stubbornly refuse to admit that cast is just as distinguishing a feature of your society as it is in other countries. No, you will not admit the existence of cast here because you delight to swell up tur- key-cock fashion and cock-a-doodle the very hackneyed melodramatic heroic about all men being equal. As a pre- lude to a political election such platitude is useful; in normal conditions it is Tommyrot ! There have been those who have been good enough to inform me that because I am the subject of a Monarch I cannot possibly appreciate equality among all men." "Well," said the newspaperman, "I suppose you can- not." "In all candor, can you ?" rejoined the Monocle. "When your educated, well-groomed capitalist shall invite his bootblack to sit vis-a-vis at his club, or his home, and dally over the filberts and Madeira at his dinner table, we shall then, all of us, admit the kind of equality which you so easily boast. On earth, my friend, there can be equality only in the eyes of the legal tribunals which are supposed to dispense justice to rich and poor alike." ACCEPTED 111 'IHE MONOCLE ASSAILS OUR TEEATMENT OF OUR HEROES. "Come, now, don't you think we have an immense ad- miration for our heroes?" demanded the nev/spaperman again. "At the moment of a triumph you exhibit frantic acknowledgment, but, oh, how rudely you can drag down your heroes from the Eiffel Tower pedestals on which, by common consent, in the moment of ecstasy, you place them. It would seem that neither sailor, soldier nor statesman can survive the cheers which, at the first moment of suc- cess, you roar out in their honor. You grasp at the slim- mest opportunity to make your hero the most uncomfort- able of gentlemen. After death, however, you give him his full reward.^' "It is our glorious prerogative, as a free people, to say what we think and act as we please,'' declared the news- paperman. "Well, then, in that case why do you deny your great men, your leaders, the same privilege to say and act as they please?" asked the Monocle. "They enjoy every privilege," said the newspaperman. "All right, but at the risk of being lampooned and be- littled. The hour is ripe for reminding you to stop this glorifying to-day and humiliating to-morrow. Forgive me if I say that it is ill-becoming a free and fair people. Even the youth of your country learns and indulges too much of the sort of freedom that distresses, consequently, he grows up with a modicum of reverence in his soul. For my part, I think the least free among you are the men who best serve you, and, I am sure, the most uncalled for and virile attacks, absolutely undeserved, mind you, fall upon some of your most honorable men. Having touched upon a subject affecting the conduct of your j^outh I would say: 112 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE Let the father teach his son the many lessons of gallant and unselfish deeds performed by your soldiers and your sailors; let him denounce the picayune personalties that are invented solely with the object of diminishing the luster of hard-won glory; see to it that your youth is taught the nobility of the self-sacrificing and patriotic heads of your Nation, irrespective of the political religion they profess." "So you think the least free among us are those men who best serve us?" asked the newspaperman. "How do you account for it ?" "Without a doubt !" exclaimed the Monocle. "You ask too much of your statesmen; you harrass them; your criticism, too often unjust, commences before their term of office begins, and digs and pricks at them until they retire. You are not a graceful people so far as the treat- ment of your officials. You say of yourselves that you are nerve-strung to account for your impatience and meteoric impetuosity. While it is a hard matter to please every- body, yet I verily think your man in office ought to look around for an Abraham Lincoln to bring Emancipation for Executive Slavery !" "Then what in your opinion is fhe matter with the world ?" argued the newspaperman. "The fact is, the bold ribaldry, the malicious scandal and the inflammatory rhetoric of the day assume so high a temperature as to consume the world with what might be called the Eed-rhapsodical fever; a form of mental decay or irritation which is infectious and creative of a pulse that is false and positively alarming. The symp- toms, my dear sir, are sufficient to disturb the most pro- nounced optimist. Medical science, my boy, has done much to abate and arrest scarlet fever, yellow fever, typhoid, typhus and all the ravaging and distressing fevers known to medical science; and now that all such dangers are being minimized, when yellow fever germs are ACCEPTED 113 declared to be carried to poor humanity by the inoculating and happily doomed mosquito, a new infection, and a dangerous one at that, is discovered in the Red-rhapsod- ical fever; a rousing, exciting, blood-sizzling infection which corrodes the heart anH rots the brain and brings ravage to those poor constitutions which through an unnat- ural weakness, inherited or assumed, are easily affected. '^Life is so beautiful, the gift of it so gracious, the world so noble, its hospitality so prodigious, that it seems now a good season to arrest the spread of the new fever, that existence may be pure as it once was and just as sedate and harmless, generous and healthful. A disin- fectant is essential then to resist the course of the malignant cases which have become almost an epidemic. A disin- fectant, as you know, is a purifier used to resist or counteract infection, but the exact particular remedy that must be discovered for the cooling, abatement and eradication of this Red-rhapsodical fever has not yet been determined, though it is quite positive that the cleanly por- tion of mankind will not wait long for protection against the insidious spread, but will bring into quick use a power- ful and stringent antidote.^' 1 13-8 The People's Paper. Always truthful. tbe Daily Mlaua All the news fit to read. Vol. XXIV New York, Sunday, September 22nd, 1901 Price 5 Cents MAGISTRATE AND ATTOR- NEY COME ALMOST TO BLOWS. PHLIP CALLED COUNSEL- OR SOAK A LIAR, AND THE COURT, WHO FAVORS SOAK, TOOK A HAND IN THE UN- SEEMLY AND DIS- GRACEFUL SCENE. A disgraceful row occurred in Magistrate Snarle's Court yesterday, when Attorney Plilip called Counselor Soak a liar. Blows were prevented by Mag- istrate Snarl's, who, in fighting attitude, threatened, himself, to throw Phlip out of the Court room. Court was adjourned and the lawyers subsequently settled their differences at the bar of an adjoining saloon. The un- seemly scenes enacted in Magis- trate Snarl's Court are at- tracting widespread attention. On the reassembling of the Court, the well-known financier, Mr. B. A. Pitch, was ushered into the presence of Mr. Snarl, on a complaint insinuating that he had obtained money under false pretenses, and, also, with having used money entrusted to him by confiding clients. On the application of Mr. Diamondbe-j decked, his attorney, the case was adjourned sine die, the Court expressing regret for any inconvenience the accused fi- nancier had suffered. THE CONDUCT OF OUR POLICE COURTS FINDS DISFAVOR IN THE EYE OF THE MONOCLE. FLIPPANT COURT OF- FICERS AND UNDIGNIFIED LAWYERS MAKE A STRANGE GROUP. "Having taken in so much of your country and your coun- try's institutions; its magnifi- cent colleges and universities, its already very capital librar- ies, erected without philan- thropic aid, and your museums and your art galleries, your parks and your gardens, your great lakes and picturesque rivers, your overcrowded, tot- tering tenements and your princely palaces, I peeped into your Police Courts," said the Monocle, "and I have watched the proceedings with curious at- tention and a good deal of in- terest." "Will you give me your ex- periences?" asked the news- paperman. "A few, I am sure, will suf- fice to show you with what lit- tle regard the poor and the un- fortunate are treated. Your Police Courts, or those of them I have visited, are hot-beds of misery and degradation. Your Magistrates, in the first place, do not insist on obedience and respect. The court officers are lacking in docility and amiabil- 114 ACCEPTED 115 ity. They are boorish, loud-mouthed, domineering crea- tures, with, comparatively, more authority than a Supreme Court judge. I can safely say, without fear of contra- diction, that the pleasant words, Tlease' and 'Thank you,* were never taught them during babyhood, youth or man- hood." "You see they are mostly all self-taught men," said the newspaperman. "That is quite evident," agreed the Monocle. "What was it that most offended your sensitiveness?" demanded the newspaperman. "Better ask me what it was that aroused my pity and astonishment," responded the Monocle. "I saw and heard many strange things. I think it most unfair, for instance, that an accused must tolerate the undertone discussions which, while his case is under trial, take place between lawyer and magistrate. The sotto-voce confabs cannot be caught by the prisoner, the party most interested, . who hears absolutely nothing of what is said against or for him until a rough hand shoves him along with the accom- panying words: " 'Get along out of this ! You've got six months to re- pent.' " 'What do you mean ?' asks the bewildered prisoner. " 'Why, didn't you hear the judge sentence you to six months ?' " 'No, I didn't,' the surprised prisoner replies. "And another brutal shove and both officer and unfor- tunate disappear. The unlucky man was right; the Mag- istrate mumbled the sentence and few, in truth, heard it. The whole business is slip-shod. Half the time the accused cannot even hear what their well-paid lawyers are talking about; indeed, the whole procedure is lax, uncouth, brutal and a travesty on Justice and civilization. A policeman affirms, and, turning to the Magistrate, in- 116 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE stead of speaking so all within the Court shall hear him, mumbles his evidence in a perfunctory, listless manner and the obliging attorneys, to aid him in his dif- fidence to speak aloud, move closer to the witness box, alias stand, and by that concession to the witness, are enabled to hear the charge he makes against their client. Yes, in nine cases out of ten, poor prisoner hears nothing, or very little, of what is taking place; consequently, he cannot properly defend himself, even though he is represented by an attorney. The officials and the lawyers are so accus- tomed to this go-as-you-please, slovenly characteristic of some of your Police Courts that it must be left to the casual stranger, or the prisoner himself, to see and appreciate the injustice of the proceedings. So far as I could see, an accused has absolutely no chance at all, and, shame to say it, there is little or no consideration for him. On the other hand, a man or woman of some sort of distinction is called upon to answer a charge, and the Magistrate, good creature, who can be considerate under some circumstances, places his private room at his, or her, disposal. Therefore it seems to me that your boasted democracy is cruelly incon- sistent as illustrated even in the difference in treatment of your poor, unfortunate prisoner and your snug, well- groomed, seal-mantled accused." "What would you do in the matter?" asked the news- paperman. 'TTou know very well what I would do in the matter; and I know you, a newspaperman, would act exactly as I would act. I would have every witness, every policeman, deliver his evidence in a voice so clear that there could be no misunderstanding his statements. His words would be heard throughout the Court. Attorney, too, would have to be distinct, deliberate and audible. I would have the words of the Magistrate equally distinct and, further, I would permit no class or east favor. As it stands to-day. ACCEPTED 117 a Police Court proceeding, in your city, as I viewed it, is a jumble accompanied by clatter and chatter and every- thing else but dignity. I give you this observation for the reason that the all-important subject appeals to me as calling, in the name of humanity and fairness, for a speedy and salutory change/' PERJUEY RAMPANT IN OUR COURTS. "Assuming that all you charge is correct, do you not think that the Courts offer safety and protection for all ?" "Until your people are taught to appreciate the gravity and solemnity of the law, until they are made to under- stand that punishment will surely and swiftly follow per- jury, there can be no safety or protection in your Courts of law,'' declared the Monocle. "On what grounds do you base your charge ? What foundation have you for so grave an indictment against our veracity ?" the newspaperman demanded. "Observation," replied the Monocle. "Your observation, I fear, may be the result of bias or prejudice, or, possibly, your not quite understanding our form of legal procedure," said the newspaperman. "Then I find it my bounden duty to back up my asser- tion with the unbiased and unprejudiced corroboration of the president of the Bar Association of one of your States. *^Where is there a lawyer,' he asks, Vho has not seen a guilty criminal pass out of the Court room, acquitted and set free because of perjured testimony? What one of us has not seen the rights of persons and property sacrificed and trampled under foot, presumably under due form of lav, but really and truly by the use of corrupt, false and sometimes purchased testimony ? One judge of long expe- *"Couucil Bluffs (la.), July i6. 1901.— The President of the Bar Association madestartlingstatementsregardingr the prevalence of bribery in the Ameri- can Courts of Justice in his address to the Iowa State Bar Association."— Frrf* PKess. 118 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE rience upon the bench writes me that in his opinion about one-half of all the evidence received on behalf of the defense in criminal cases is false. Another judge of equally high repute writes that he believes seventy-five per cent of the evidence offered in divorce cases approaches deliberate perjury. Another writes that perjury is com- mitted in a majority of important law suits, and that the crime is rapidly increasing.^ Surely, you will admit the alarming significance of such admissions?'^ enquired the Monocle. "Do you think, so far as the administration of our laws, we are different from other Nations ?' asked the newspaper- man. "I am making no comparisons. At the outset I deter- mined, in reply to your questions, to deal with your country alone. Having traveled through it from end to end and back again, I think I find myself competent to form a fairly correct judgment of many important things I have seen and heard and read of. You know my impressions. You are aware of my deep appreciation of the vastness and the beauty and the majesty of your great land, and you have heard me, in reply to you, of course, condemn some few things which here and there leave not altogether a pleasant impression. It would be a marvelous phenomena, indeed, were man or Nations perfect. Such a happy condition were impossible, but at any rate, it is the duty of Nations, and especially a Nation so blessed as these United States, to see to it that Justice, at least, be paramount and ever ready to give security and, therefore, confidence, peace and contentment to all. Your Judges, being desirous of purg- ing the courts of perjurers, and others of equally easy con- science, must be backed up by the people.'' "Then do you not think the Courts are properly upheld?" ACCEPTED 119 "Upheld !" exclaimed the Monocle. "When yonr Judges find it difficult to get a conviction where a prisoner is proved guilty beyond the shadow of a doubt; when at- tempts are made, sucessfully or unsuccessfully, to bribe jurors; when perjury is flagrantly resorted to and gets away unpunished; when murderers found guilty and sen- tenced to death can for years hold Justice at bay and then escape her; when the robbers of your public funds from your public institutions remain undiscovered; when the decisions of your learned Judges are made faulty and sent to other learned Judges for revision; and, again,the decision of the other learned Judges are appealed and the Law-Court machinery is made to work at high pressure at the will of a wealthy litigant, who, without justice on his side, sooner than lose, will fight his less wealthy opponent to the last ditch of poverty! When we see all these injustices, these vexatious wrestlings with the law, these unholy blots be- spattered on the escutcheon of your proud and wonderful Nation, can we conclude that your law Courts are prop- erly upheld ? Go ! Lift the bandage from Justice's eyes and you will behold tears; inspect further, and you will discover that the scales she holds have been tampered with, and her defending sword made blunt. The sooner those tears are dried and you make your peace with Justice by readjusting those scales to the finest and truest balance, the better will it be for all. Eemember that in the establish- ment of Justice and the serenity of equitably distributed law depends the true ring of happiness and good faith and social and commercial integrity throughout the land.'' T.tShTo'riJhTi.Se! Cbe Dally Inflated Our motto is: Live and let live! Vol. XXIV New York, Monday, September 23rd, 1901 Price 5 Cents BANK WRECKERS PAR- DONED — WHY THEY SHOULD BE IS THE PUZZLE OF THE HOUR. Mr. Easy Cash, late mana- ger of the Iron-Safe Bank, which closed its doors just a year ago, was pardoned and released from jail yesterday. Mr. Easy Cash, it will be re- membered, was sentenced to two years' imprisonment. Hisj defalcations amounted to twen-i ty thousand dollars. Owing to| a petition, signed by many in-j fluential gentlemen, the release; was effected. Much surprise! has been expressed by the num-j erous depositors who were made absolutely penniless, that thei ex-manager should not have' been allowed to undergo the full term of his too short sent- ence. Mr. Uriah Squeals, ex-cash- ier of the Trust-All Bank, which through his peculations closed its doors a year ago, has been given his liberty. Our re- porter was informed that Mr. Uriah Squeals, who had only! served ten months of his three years' sentence, was in poor health and for that reason was released from jail. It will be remembered that Mr. Squeals' defalcations were exceptionally serious and caused wide-spread misery. THE MONOCLE SPEAKS OF OUR SOLDIERS. AGREES IN ALL THAT THE LIEUTENANT-GENERAL COMMANDING THE U. S. AKMY HAS SAID REGARDING THE POOR DEPORTMENT AND LAXITY OF MANNERS IN THE MEN. The Monocle was found by The Inflated's representative, glancing seriously over a re- cently published note to officers and men issued by the Lieuten- ant-General Commanding the U. S. Army. "Monocles being much in evi- dence in the British Army, you are, no doubt, in a position to speak on military affairs?" asked the newspaperman. "Yes, I have seen service in a monoelistic capacity and, naturally, take an interest in all matters of a military na- ture," replied the Monocle. "Of course, you have met our soldiers on your travels?" "I had the privilege of see- ing many of your regiments upon their return from your Philippine possessions." "Remembering your deter- mination I will refrain from asking you to make a compari- son between our Militia and your own." "That is very wise and very good of you." 120 ACCEPTED 121 "May I ask the impression made on you by our fighters ?" "How could they impress anyone but as brave chaps; valiant lads, indeed, whose veins have bulged with the coursing blood of enthusiasm; sons of your soil who, shoulder to shoulder, have proved their readiness and will- ingness to fight and die for their country's honor, and the maintenance and defense of their unsullied flag? I have watched their bronzed faces and their snapping eyes as they disembarked from the transports, and I have followed their martial steps to their camps, through and up and down and across the mountainous streets on to the pic- turesque Presidio, which skirts the great San Francisco Bay. I have joined in the lusty cheers which greeted their return, and, indeed, I have been an ardent participant in several outbursts of well merited welcome." "Your praise is well bestowed," said the newspaper- man. "And well deserved," declared the Monocle; "but, mind you, while I say all this in their favor, I intend to be candid and truthful, since you question me upon one of the most important subjects at present engaging the attention of your Nation, as well as the observation of the great mili- tary powers beyond the seas. First of all it were well and essential that your soldier realize that discipline goes far to make a perfect fighting man. Without discipline a fight- ing body of men would become a disorganized crowd; therefore, a danger on the battle field. My remarks, I hope, will be taken in good part, since they are earnest, friendly and fraternal." "It is through the pointing out of faults and blemishes that better conditions are achieved in any walk of life; hence I invite your free and unqualified opinion as it affects our soldiery," said the newspaperman. "As you entered I was reading an order issued by your gallant soldier, the Lieutenant-General, with the intention 122 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE of betteriDg the condition of the army. The General has not minced matters. The trnth^, you know, is not always sweet, yet, if it is to do any good, there is no use at all diluting and coloring it to serve the sensitive palate of those who must swallow it. It is pleasant to sugar-coat one's opinions; for then the compounder of the articles needn't be quite so distressed as must be the case when his drugs are given undisguised. Your gallant General, however, is, rightly, one of those apothecaries who are averse to sugar- coating and has, consequently, come out allopathically with his bitter aloes and, like it or not, your soldiers must swal- low the potion if they care at all, and, of course, they do, for the healthful and vigorous appearance of the service.'' "Appearances do not win battles," declared the news- paperman. "They go a good way toward it," interposed the Monocle. "A slovenly soldier is a poor representative of his country and you know, as well as I, that a smart de- meanor has much to do with the success attained in any walk of life. The sloven, of Avliatever profession or trade, rarely, if ever, makes a complete success. The well-groomed horse draws admiring eyes to it when the neglected beast fails to attract other than sorry recognition. It is just as essential for the soldier to see to it that his uniform is spick, span and spotless as for him to make sure that his arms are clean and fit to pass inspection. The soldier must not be satisfied to trim up for parade only. He owes it to his regiment, to his country, at all times and under all cir- cumstances, to appear in public in the best possible light. The order to the army of which I have spoken is timely and reads as follows : " 'Recent reports indicate the existence of marked unsoldierly deportment on the part of some of the troops, a condition apparently ACCEPTED 12a cultivated recently under the mistaken idea that a certain uncouthness of exterior and laxity of manners are the essential character- istics of a soldier. As they are subver- sive of discipline and efficiency, offenses of this nature must neither be ignored nor con- doned. Commanding officers are strictly ac- countable for the general appearance of their troops under ail circumstances, whether they be in garrison, camp, on the marcH, off duty or on brief furlough. Soldiers are as much responsible for their conduct while off the military reservations or out of camp as when in garrison.' "The General has spoken wisely and in good season," continued the Monocle, "and commanding officers re- specting his admonition will raise their men to a dignified standard.'^ "My dear Monocle, you still persist in forgetting that this is a Democratic country,^' growled the newspaperman. "Then, from your view point, or let me say from the view of too many of you good souls, one must be a down- right slovenly creature in order to be Democratic; you must be insolent to your superiors (the office they occupy having placed them in a position superior to the one you yourself hold) ; you must indulge ridicule with the determination that it shall overshadow reverencQ and encourage contempt for all that is pure and honest, and spit out rude personalties in the hope of totally eclipsing and soiling the sensitive and clean. It is not so long ago that one of your statesmen gloried in the boast that he was upholding Democratic principles by wilfully defying precedence and polite custom in refusing to aitend an important function in the orthodox evening suit. I heard 124 INTERVIEWS WITH A MONOCLE of one well-known gentleman boasting that in spite of his wife's 'high toned' pleading, as he described the lady's importunities, he still proved, notwithstanding the wealth he had suddenly acquired, his support of Democratic prin- ciples by sitting at his sumptuous dinner table in his shirt sleeves. Is that not first-class, fine-edged twaddle? But your poor misused word. Democratic, what a heap of incon- sistencies, incongruities, vulgarities and shame-faced, red- hot, deliberate blackguardism you are called upon to father ! Every vulgarian excuses himself under cover of the word Democratic ; and those of your soldiers whose 'unsol- dierly deportment' and 'uncouthness of exterior' and 'laxity of manners' have succeeded in bringing down upon them stinging official rebuke, of course, take refuge behind that obsolete fortification called Democratic ! 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