THE COON REHEARSAL 0$ DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, NEW YORK. JSSSSSSSSSSS$ PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY 15 CENTS EACH r CRANFORD DAMJES. 2 Scenes; li^ hours 8 GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. 1 Act; 30 minutes 7 CHEERFUX. COMPANION. 1 Act; 25 minutes 8 LESSON IN ELEGANCE. 1 Act; SO minutes 4 MAIDENS ALL FORLORN. 3 Acts; 1^ hours 6 MURDER WILL OUT. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. 3 Acts; 1J4 hours 4 SOCIAL ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes 5 OUTWITTED. 1 Act; 20 minutes 3 WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 4 SWEET FAMILY. 1 A'ct; 1 hour 8 BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. 1 Act; 2 hours 30 PRINCESS KIKU. (35 cents) 13 RAINBOW KIMONA. (85 cents.) 2 Acts; 1^ hours 9 MERRY OLD MAIDS. (S5 cents.) Motion Song 11 PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY J5 CENTS EACH M APRIL FOOLS. 1 Act; 30 minutes 3 BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40minutes 6 DARKEY WOOD DEALER. 1 Act; 20 minutes 3 WANTED, \ MAHATMA. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; 1 hour 9 MEDICA. 1 Act; 3§ minutes 7 NIGGER NIGkT feCHOOL. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 SLIM JIM AlSrD THE HOODOO. 1 Act; 30 minutes 5 WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 SNOBSON'S STAG PARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour 12 PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20 minutes 6 HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes 10 CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKI. Modi Trial; 2 hours.... 28 DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mock Trial. 22 GREAT LIBEL CASE. Mock Trial; 1 Scene; 2 hours 21 RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; IJ^ hours 24 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N Y THE COON REHEARSAL A. JfTarrp i« ©«« Art By JOSEPH H. SLATER AUTHOR OF PETER PIPER'S TROUBLES, MR. RICH FROM RICHMOND, ETC., ETC. Copyright 1915 by Dick & Fitzgerald "^ NEW YORK DICK & FITZGERALD 18 Ann Street THE COON REHEARSAL. CHARACTERS. Theophilus Ticklebat Cranberry, Ambitious dramatic author Erastus Sassafras Negro, out of a job Ghost By himself Time of Playing. — About forty minutes. COSTUNES AND CHARACTERISTICS. Theophilus. Tall and lanky; wears a frock-coat, light col- ored trousers, bow tie, high silk hat, spats ; the whole effect be- ing quite shabby and worse for wear. Erastus. An ignorant and unpolished negro ; wears any con- venient, exaggerated, well worn suit, if trousers or coat do not fit the effect is increased. INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. Bill and valise for Erastus. Watch for Theophilus. STAGE DIRECTIONS. As seen by a per/ormer on the stage facing the audience, R. means right hand; t., left hand ; c, center of stage; l. c, left of center ; d. l., door at left ; d. r., door at right. Up means to- ward back of stage ; down, toward footlights. THP^6-Oj7200 5CI.D 41403 ^"2 3 /9,5 THE COON REHEARSAL. SCENE. — Plain room. Door r. which is left open, and door l. Table c. with writing material, manuscript, etc. Chairs R. and L. of table. DISCOVERED Theophilus l. of table, writing. Theophilus {writing). There, I think I have at last written what ought to be a very successful play. I must now make all necessary preparations to have it presented in a proper manner, to the fickle public. If it proves a success, my fortune is made. (Knock D. L.) Come in. ENTER D. L. Erastus carrying valise. Erastus. I is in. Theophilus. And now that you are in, what can I do for you? Erastus. Is the boss in? Theophilus. Yes, sir, the boss is in. Erastus. Is you the boss? Theophilus. Yes, sir, I'm the boss. Erastus. Is you in? Theophilus. Why of course I'm in. Can't you see for your- self? Now sir, what do you want? Erastus {starts towards door). I wants to go out again. Theophilus. Stay one moment, I want to know your busi- Erastus. My business is none of your business, good even- ing. {Starts towards d. l.) Theophilus {detaining him). You shall not go until you tell me what you want here, sir. Erastus. Well, boss, I wants to catch a train. Theophilus. Indeed, and what would you do with the train after you've caught it? Erastus. I wants to board it, that's all, boss. Can you tell 3 4 The Coon Eehearsal. me what time the three-sixty Pullman Palace Gravel train leaves the depot? Theophilus. Why, at three-sixty, to be sure. Bbastus. Dat's all I want to know. Good evening. (Starts toivard d. l.) On second thoughts, I guess I won't go. Theophilus. No? Ebastus. No, dey'll hold de train over till morning. I don't like traveling at night. Theophilus. Indeed, and why not? Ebastus. Too many of dose train robbers. So if you have no objection, I'll stop here all night. I see by the sign outside dat you have rooms to let. (Puts doivn valise) Theophilus. I have, but they come high. Erastus. Is it on de top floor boss? Theophilus. I mean the price comes high. Erastus. How high does it come? Theophilus. Five dollars per night. Erastus. Den bring it down and let me see it. Theophilus. I'd like to oblige you, but that's impossible as I don't perform miracles. By the way, I'm particular as to whom I take as a lodger, I must know who you are and what your name is. Erastus. My name is Erastus Adolphus Augustus Edgerton Sassasfras, and as I am somewhat particular who I lodge with, I must know your name. Theophilus. My name is Theophilus Ticklebat Cranberry. • Erastus. Any relation to raspberry, boss? Theophilus. None whatever. What else are you? Ebastus. I'se a gentleman by birth, a musician by education and inclination. I play the " Umpa " in the band. Theophilus. The '* Umpa." I don't believe I ever heard of that instrument. Erastus. When de cornet man goes (Imitates cornet notes) dis goes *' Umpa, Umpa." Theophilus. Oh, I think I do understand you now. You mean the trombone. Erastus. Dat's it, boss. Some folks who am not gentlemen neither by birth nor breeding calls me a wind-jammer, dat makes me fight worse dan Jersey lightning. I came down here to play for a funeral; but the corpse ain't quite ready yet so I've got to hang around here till he dies. Theophilus. On second thoughts, you can have the room for five dollars. I would not rent it so cheap only I want money bad. The Coon Rehearsal. 6 Erastus. Why didn't you tell me you was dead broke? (Gives Mil) Here you is, boss. Theophilus. One moment, my colored friend, this bill is bogus, counterfeit. Eeastus. What kind of fit? Theophilus. In plain language, this money is bad. Erastus. Dat's all right, boss, didn't you just now say dat you wanted money bad? Theophilus. This is a Confederate bill. Erastus. Well, take it over to (Anp locoA town) and you'll pass it there, they don't know the war is over yet. Speaking of dat town I think dey have some of de bravest girls in dat town I ever heard of. Theophilus. Indeed and what makes you think that the young ladies of {Local town) are braver than those of any other town, this town for instance? Erastus. Well, sir, de oder night in de middle of de night about 12 or 13 o'clock, a young woman discovered a burglar in de house. Now what did she do, she didn't scream or go into high-stirrups, no sir, what do you think she done did? Theophilus. I'm sure I can't imagine. Erastus. Of course you can't, dat's de reason I'm going to tell you. She quietly dressed herself, put on her rat first and then her hat Theophilus. You mean she put on her hat. Erastus. Went out and got a policeman and caught de burglar. Now what do you think of dat for bravery? Theophilus. Oh, that's nothing to boast of. I'm sure there are young ladies right here in Greenville equally as brave and who would have done the same thing under similar circum- stances. Erastus. What, go out at 12 o'clock at night to find a policeman? Theophilus. Most certainly. Erastus. No sir, they would not. Theophilus. And why not? Erastus. Now where could you find a policeman in this town at 12 o'clock at night? Theophilus {aside). This is a very eccentric individual, perhaps he could help me out of my present difliculty and re- hearse my drama. {Aloud) Erastus Sassafras. Erastus. Dat's me, boss. Theophilus. Have you ever been on the stage. Erastus. Yes, boss; I drove a stage for five years. 6 The Coon Rehearsal. Theophilus. I don't mean that kind of a stage. I mean have you ever trod the boards? Erastus. Yes, boss, I slept in a lumber yard last night. Theophilus. ' You still don't understand me. Have you ever made a speech in public? Erastus. Oh yes. Theophilus. What was it? Erastus. It was a short speech " Not Guilty." Theophilus. And what did you get? Erastus. Six months. If I had said " Guilty " I'd have got six years. Theophilus. Now I may let you into a secret ; I have writ- ten a play and I want you to assist me in rehearsing it. Erastus. No, boss, you don't get me into no hearse. Theophilus. I mean to practice up a bit so as to become familiar with the play. I call my play "The Returned Cali- fornian; or. Why did he wander from his own fire-side?" Erastus. I wrote a drama myself once, quite a sucess too. Theophilus. Indeed — did it have a long run? Erastus. Yes, we had about twenty-five miles of a run from the last town and the natives after us with four bloodhounds. We gave dem a run for their money. Theophilus. That was too bad. Now, I shall be the Cali- fornian and you are the robber. Erastus. Don't you call me no robber. ( Chases Theophilus around stage) I'll take my razor at you. I may be a nigger, but I ain't no robber. Theophilus. Calm yourself, Erastus. This is only supposi- tion. Erastus. Oh, dis is soup in de kitchen. Theophilus. No, no, this is all in the play. Now you must first conceal yourself in ambush. Erastus. Congeal myself in a sandwich? Theophilus. No, no, hide yourself in yonder gooseberry bush {Points off R.) and when I give you the cue — Erastus. I ain't no Chinaman. Cue, say boss, are you going to play billards? Theophilus. No, no, I mean the cue-word. That means the word when you commence to speak. You are to come on and say " Oh, kind sir, in yonder hut I have a sick wife and four- teen starving children.'" Erastus. Oh you go along I ain't got no fourteen starving kids and a sick wife. The Coon Rehearsal. 7 Theophilus. I know you haven't but this is the play, you understand. Erastus. Oh, it's in the play, that's different, den it's all right. Just tell me once more what I'm to say. Theophilus. Certainly, but you must wait until I have finished my speech then you enter and make your speech. Ebastus. I see, boss, when you have done I take the floor. Theophilus. Exactly. Now go and hide. (Pushes him to- wards R. Ebastus takes off his hat as if flirting tcith some- hody off R. Crosses to l. c, turning his hack to Ebastus). " After fourteen long years of weary wandering in distant lands I have returned to my dear old home. Ah, a stranger approaches, he may be a robber. I will conceal my little all." (Pauses. Snaps fingers at Erastus) "I will conceal my little all." That's you, that's you. Ebastus. I don't see no little awl. (Approaching) Say, boss, is you a shoe-maker? Theophilus. You idiot, that's your cue. Erastus. Oh, that's where I'm to spoke the speech; well, what am I to say when I say it? Theophilus. Haven't I told you already what to say? You enter and say " In yonder hut I bive a sick wife and fourteen starving children. Please, good, kind sir, give me some aid." Now then, try it for the last time. (Crosses to l.) Ebastus (tips hat to someone off e.) Ah there, I see you're on the fly. Theophilus. To whom are you speaking? Ebastus. Excuse me, boss, I saw a flock of chickens fly by and I thought I'd tip my hat to Nellie. Theophilus. Never mind tipping your hat to Nellie, but remember your cue when you hear it. Ebastus. I'm sure to remember if I don't forget, boss, go ahead. Theophilus (repeats speech). "After fourteen years," etc., etc. That's your cue, man. Ebastus (turns to Theophilus). Oh you dear, kind, soft- hearted, soft-headed, old fossil. In yoDder brownstone man- sion, I have fourteen wives and one starving kid. Please give me some aid and if you're all out of aid give me some lemonade or some strawberry shortcake and a cheese sand- wich. Theophilus. Lemonade and strawberry shortcake. (Throws him down) You'll never make an actor in all your life. Get 8 The Coon Behearsal. a chair and come here and sit down beside me. I want to tell you a story. (Brings chair down stage, sits b. c.) Erastus. Say, boss, is it funny enough for two? {Brings chair down stage, sits l. c.) Theophilus. You shall judge for yourself. This is a true story, it concerns this very house. It is a ghost story. Erastus {trembling). Ghostesses in dis here house, boss? Theophilus. Yes, this house is said to be haunted. It is rumored that every night at twelve o'clock a ghost walks to and fro in this room. Erastus {business of being nervous). You say he walks in dis room two by four. Say boss, what time am it now? Theophilus {looking at watch). It is now ten minutes to twelve. Erastus {rising). Well boss, you'll excuse me, I'se just got ten minutes to catch dat Pullman Palace cattle train. Theophilus {detaining him). Oh man, don't go; sit down and listen to the story. Erastus. Some other time, boss; I'll come back next Circus day. I have an appointment with a Swiss cheese sandwich, so I'll have to say Olive Oil. Theophilus {forcing him into chair) Sit down man, you'll be too late for that train anyway. You must hear this story be- fore you go. Erastus. My family physician told me never to listen to ghost stories late at night, boss, as it gave me indigestion of the solar plexus. You said it was ten to twelve by your watch, boss. Theophilus. What if I did ; my watch goes slow. Erastus. So do I, boss, and I'll have just time to catch dat train. {Starts again) Theophilus {detaining him). No, I insist you remain and keep me company, surely you would not be so inhospitable. Erastus. No, boss, I don't want to be in a hospital. I wants to catch that train before it starts. My side-door sleeper will be ready for me. Theophilus. I have heard that your train is four hours late, so you'll have plenty of time to hear my story. (Erastus sits down, looks nervously around) Theophilus. Well, once upon a time, say about one thousand years ago. Erastus. Say, boss, where were you then? Theophilus. Please don't interrupt me. As 1 said before, about one thousand years ago. The Coon Rehearsal. 9 Erastus. That's two thousand, boss. Theohpilus. There lived in this house a certain old miser. Of course you know what a miser is. Erastus. Yes, boss, a miser is a man what catches -mice. Theophilus. No such a thing. Eeastus. No, then he catches rats. Theophilus. Nonsense, doubtless you are thinking of a mouser, a cat. A miser is a man who hoards up his gold. Erastus. I know what a miser is now, boss. He is an old skinflint. When he gets a nickel he puts it in his pocket and says, ah there, stay there. Theophilus. That definition will do very well. Erastus. In that case I'll never be a miser, boss. Theophilus. Indeed, and why? Erastus. Because I'll never have the nickel to put in my pocket. Theophilus. Well, to continue my story, the old miser had one beautiful daughter. Erastus. You don't say? Theophilus. But I do say. Her name was Arabella. Erastus. She was all right for a rainy day, boss. Theophilus. Who was all right for a rainy day? Erastus. Umbrella. Theophilus. No one said a word about an umbrella. I said that the young lady's name was Arabella. She fell desperately in love with a poor young man. Erastus. You don't say. Theophilus. But I do say. Why do you say "you don't say" when I do say? Erastus. I won't say you don't say when you do say any more, boss. Theophilus. Well, one dark and dreary night two bloody assassins entered the house. Erastus. I'll never eat another as long as I live. Theophilus. Eat another what? Erastus. Bologna sausage, boss. Theophilus. I didn't say a word about sausages. I said two bloody assassasins, that means two cold blooded murderers, en- tered the house — one was armed with a dirk knife. Erastus. A dirty knife. Theophilus. A dagger with which he killed the old man. He cut his throat from ear to ear. Erastus. Did it hurt him? Theophilus. Did it hurt him? Why, it killed him. 10 The Coon Rehearsal. Eeastus. Did he die? Theophilus. You stupid idiot, haven't I just told you that it killed him? Erasttjs. I bet it made him mad, when it killed him. Theophilus. I presume so. Every night since that terrible tragedy, his ghost wanders through this house at twelve o'clock. Erastus. Say, boss, what time am it now? Theophilus {looking at watch). Five minutes to twelve. Erastus. Say, boss, I've just got five minutes to catch dat train. (Rising) Theophilus (detaining him). Nonsense don't go now. I'm beginning to like your company. Erastus. Yes, boss, but I don't like de company of ghost- Theophilus. Sit down and make yourself at home. (Sits b. Erastus sits l.) Erastus. I wish I was at home, boss. Theophilus. Let us drive dull care away by singing a verse of a song. Do you sing tenor? Erastus. I sing ten or eleven — I forget which — I lost my voice cooling soup. Theophilus. Well, you can join in the chorus. Erastus. All right, boss, I'll be a chorus lady. Theophilus (singing). " At twelve o'clock and sometimes at one, a spirit appears that will strike you dumb" (Chorus) " Oh, the old jaw-bone that hung on de wall." ENTER ghost d. l. picks up Erastus' satchel, EXITS d. l. Erastus (looking around, misses satchel. Jumps up). Say, boss, he's got it. Theophilus. Who's got it? Erastus. Old Jaw Bones has got the grip. Theophilus. Nonsense, man, it's imagination. Erastus. No, it ain't Madge Mason — it was old Jaw Bones. I saw him disappear in a blue flame. He had horns on him fourteen yards long. Theophilus. Probably it was the night clerk who came in and took it down to the office to put in the safe. Erastus. Boss, it was safe enough where it was. Theophilus. Sit down and we shall sing the second verse which runs the same as the first. (Both sing as before) The Coon Rehearsal. 11 During song ENTER Ghost d. l., slaps Erastus on cheek and EXITS quickly d. l. Erastus (jumps up; indignantly). Now see here, boss. I'se only a poor nigger, but I don't allow no white man to hit me in the jaw with an axe when my head is turned. Theophilus (rises). Calm yourself, my colored friend, I didn't strike you, it was only imagination. Erastus. Golly, Madge Mason must carry an axe. Theophilus. Let us sing the chorus of the third verse which is the same as the others. Erastus. Since they're all the same, boss, we might as well sing the first one all over again. (Both sing as 'before.) ENTER Ghost d. e., slaps Theophilus on cheek and EXITS quickly d. b. Theophilus (jumps up). Now see here, I don't allow any nigger to strike me when my face is turned. You hear, I shan't stand it. Erastus (rises). Boss, I never did done it. I bet it was dat same Madge Mason dot soaked me in de jaw and stole my grip. We must lay for her de very next time she comes in here. Boss, sit down and let us sing dat song again. (Erastus and Theophilus sit with their hacks turned toward d. r. Ghost ENTERS from d. r., taps Theophilus on shoulders, points off R. Theophilus quietly rises, unseen hy BIrastus, sneaks off d. r. Ghost sits down in Theophilus' place. He places his legs upon Erastus' knees) Say, boss, why don't you sing dat song, " Oh de old Jaw-bone dat hangs on de wall." Boss, you must be go- ing to sleep, my knees ain't no door-mat for you to wipe your feet on. (Turning slowly around sees ghost) Oh Lor! De old Jaw Bones. (Ghost stands up on rung of chair, thus making himself look tall. As Erastus tries to sneak off Ghost jumps on his back. Erastus runs off screaming) Oh boss, boss, old Jaw-Bones. CURTAIN. NEW PLAYS PEREGRINATIONS OF POLLY, The. ,5 cents, a comedietta in I act, by Helen P. Kane. 3 female characters, i plain interior scene. Time, about 45 minutes. Fo/iy and Margaret^ bachelor maids, being invited to attend a musicale, determine to exchange escorts. The result may not have been such as vv^as intended, but certainly was one to have been expected. The dialogue throughout Is brilliant and snappy, the action quick, thus ensuring a success for this bright sketch. RELATIONS* 15 cents.^ A farcical skit in i act, by George M. Rosener. 3 male, i female character. i interior scene. Time, about 20 minutes. An inimit- able sketch full of rapid repartee and rollicking " situations." Billie is a whole team in himself ; his uncle and brother-in-law force the fun, but Billie comes out on top. The action is unflagging and irresistibly funny. RAPS. 15 cents. ^ A vaudeville sketch in I act, by Eleanor Maud Crane. « male characters, i interior scene. Time, about 30 minutes. An exceedingly bright dialogue between an Irish carpenter and a slightly intoxicated gilded youth. Full of "patter" and "get backs." WARDROBE OF THE KING, The. is cents, a burlesque in X act, by William J. McKiernan. 7 male, 1 female (played by male) character. I exterior scene. Time, i hour. Costumes grotesque and fantastic. An amusing bur- lesque for boys, easily produced, full of bright situations, and sure to make a hit. The play may be staged very simply, or made as elaborate as the producer sees fit. Be- sides the eight speaking parts, the company of officers, suite of the King and Queen^ etc., may utilize any number of persons. By the introduction of specialties the time of the play can be considerably lengthened. ROYAL CINCH, A. 2S cents. A farce f^omedy in 3 acts, by Frank H. Bernard. 2 male, 3 female characters. 1 interior, i exterior scene. Time, ij^ hours. A fantastic comedy, simple in plot, but cunningly contrived and cumulative in its development. The darkey waiter and the pert housemaid are surpassingly comical parts. HOOSIER SCHOOL, The. is cents, a farcical sketch in 1 act, by William and Josephine Giles. 5 males, 5 females, 4 of whom can be boys and 4 girls. I interior scene. Time, about 30 minutes. A realistic picture of a district school in a small Western village. The rough and ready teacher and his tricky scholars keep the audience in a roar. The teacher is finally squelched by the irate mother of one of his pupils. The piece is cleverly worked out and full of funny incidents. SCRUBTOWN SEWING CIRCLETS THiVNKSGIVING, The. j 5 cents. An old ladies' sociable, by Maude L. Hall. 6 female characters, i in- terior scene. Time, 35 minutes. A characteristic entertainii>';nt in which, among other interesting incidents, each of the old ladies gives her reasons for thankfulness. An all star study of character with an unusual send off. DOLLY'S DOUBLE, l S cents, a musical vaudeville sketch iri i act, by Charles Stuart, i male and 1 female character assuming two parts. i interior scene. Time, 20 minutes. An exceedingly humorous conception, bright, catchy and original, leading through several stages to a clever climax. JOHN'S EMMY, is cents. A vaudeville sketch in one act, by Charles Stuart, i male, i female character, i interior scene. Time, about 20 minutes. A methodical old bookworm awaits a young girl who is to be his ward. An entirely different girl arrives, who summarily subjugates him. The action is rapid, crisp, and full of comicalities. A capital character study for both performers. TOM COBB ; or Fortttne's Toy. 1 5 cents. Farcical comedy in 3 acts, by W. S. Gilbert. 6 male, 4 female characters. Time, 1}^ hours. Modern costumes. To7n Cobb, at the instigation of his friend, Whipple^ pretends to be dead in order to escape his creditors. He makes a will and leaves everything to Matilda, daughter oi Col. O" Fipp, in whose house he has been lodging. Tom is unexpectedly left a fortune, which is taken possession of by the Colonel.^ and Tom has great difficulty in recovering it. i^$^*s»siss^$s$5^$s$j$ss$;!5s$ssss!sss$$$ss$ssssssss^^ MILITARY PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH M. P. BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4Acts;2hour8 10 4 ED\VARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2]^ hours 10 4 PRISONER OF ANDERSON VILLE. 4 Acts; 2J4 hours. 10 4 CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; 1}^ hours 9 6 ISABEL, THE PEARL. OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 3 LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; I Stage Setting 4 4 BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. 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