EXTRACTS raoM THE DIARY OF A CHRISTIAN LADY, WHO DEPARTED THIS LIFE JUNE 7th, 1833, IN HER SIXTY-SEVENTH YEAR. ENTITLED ''FRAGMENTS OF MERCY/^ (For Private Circulation) AT THE KENTISH OBSERVER OFFICE, CANTERBURY, 1850. ^1)^ ^^v^ Z-(y<^ <^^ PREFACE. The following extracts are taken from the Diary of a Christian Lady, which was desig- nated, by herself, " Fragments of Mercy." The retiring and unobtrusive character of the writer, during the many years she had accustomed herself to record, by these memo- randa, the conflicts, trials, joys, and sorrows of her earthly pilgrimage, was so great, that the existence of such a document was not revealed to her family until the time of her departure was near at hand. Shortly before that all-im- portant moment arrived, she said, " You will find a few writings after I am gone, which I thought you would like to read. Others, I have destroyed ; but these I have preserved, to shew you what the grace of God can do." Her children have found, in these outpourings of her secret thoughts, a deep and abiding in- terest 3 reminding them of her unceasing anxiety for their spiritual welfare, and her earnest and affectionate exhortations j strengthened, as they were, by the bright example of her holy and consistent life. It may, however, be necessary to observe, that the publication of these Extracts, even for private circulation, has only been acceded to on the part of the family, at the request of a few Christian friends j who, on perusing the manu- script, considered that a faithful transcript of her thoughts and feelings might be useful to many, if more widely circulated. They have, therefore, now only to add their fervent prayers that this may be the result of the publication of the present little family record. Hackney, February, 1850. INDEX. date of reflections, &c. page, March, 1814 1 April 3 2 April 25 — May 1 4 Junk 5 5 December 11 6 February 5,1815 {Sabhath Morning) 8 ■ {Evening) ...,., -— February 16 10 February 26 • 14 March 12 16 April 1 18 April 26 23 IV, PAGE. July 2,1815 {Sahhatft Morning) 25 ■ ■ ■ (Noon) 26 - - {Evening) 27 August 7 (Morning) 29 ' (Evening) 30 October 15 32 November 5 .r 35 21 36 December 15 38 February 16,1816 40 July 14 47 21 49 September 8 51 October 17 53 December 1 59 30 61 January 12,1817 65 February 16 66 Brighton, May 69 September 7 73 December 31 75 May 18,1818 77 31 80 November 1 83 December 31 87 July, 1819 92 December 31 96 Sr, Thoma.s's-place, Hackney 98 August 20,1820 101 December 31 105 •V. PAGE, February 16,1822 Ill December 31 ^ 113 September 7, 1823 {Saturday Morning) ] 17 December 31 119 1824 123 1825 125 January 1,1826 — February 16,1827 127 June 1,1828 132 December 31 134 August 23, 1829 {Sabbath Morning) 135 December 31 % 137 February 16,1830 140 October 17 141 December 30 143 The Last Evening in the Year 1831 ...... 145 December 31,1832 146 FRAGMENTS OF MERCY. MARCH, 1814. My God hath put a new song into my mouthy and I would sing it so loud that Heaven and Earth might hear ! True and just are Thy ways, O King of Saints, who shall not fear Thee, and glorify Thy name ? In faithfulness hast Thou afflicted me ', for a small moment didst Thou hide Thy face, but with great lovingkindness hast Thou visited me, hast set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings ! And now, O Holy Father, what shall I rendei* for all Thy benefits ? I would take the cup of salvation, and call upon Thy Name. I desire, with the most unfeigned sincerity and solemnity^ to devote myself to Thy service 3 I would resign body, soul, and spirit, entirely into Thy hands. O, do Thou keep the sacred deposit, till that day when Thou shalt say, '' Behold ! I come quickly." May the cheerful response of my waiting spirit then be, '* Come, Lord Jesus, come quickly." APRIL 3rd, 1814. Glorious things are spoken of thee, O city of God ! Mount Zion ! the seat of our solemni- ties, our earthly Jerusalem ! Sweet are thy living streams and rich provisions. May grati- tude flow in abundance, that my feet have again been permitted to stand within Thy gates 5 that I have once more partaken of Thy sacred festival ; have taken the symbols of the blood and body of a dear Redeemer, in the humble hope, ere long, I shall sit down at the marriage supper of the Lamb, to go no more out for ever ! APRIL 25tb, 1814. "Thou hast been my help, leave me not^ neither forsake me, O God of my salvation /* bring my soul out of prison, and I will prais e Thy holy name. Dear Sacred Spirit, arm me With Thine all conquering weapons, slay my sins, and end the strife -, release the wearied- burdened captive, break my fetters of cor- ruption, purify my depraved affections and impure imaginations, which, with a heavy weight, clog and impede the aspirations of my soul to Thy blessed Self. O, lamentable, humihating, debasing reflection, " the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked ; " " when I would do good, evil is present with me," vain thoughts lodge within me. When my desires and pursuits are after celestial objects, sin, Satan, and the world present some fascinating allurement, or trifling vanity, which too successfully damps the fer- vour of my devotion, and, like a darkening cloud, intercepts Thy presence from my view. Dear Lord, " how long, how long, shall mine enemies triumph over me ? " put not Thy servant away in anger, but let hope, all ani- mating hope, entwine into my deepest grief ; may it lead me to Mount Calvary -. there may I view the triumphs of my Redeemer's cross when, in His expiring agonies. He said, " It i; finished j " by His death He spoiled principal! ties and powers, and after the humiliations of the tomb ascended up on high ; there He inter- cedes with the Eternal Majesty, for them that love Him. ** I would for ever speak His name In sounds to mortal ears unknown. With Angels joia to praise the Lamb, And worship at His Father's throne." MAY 1st, 1814. Debility and disease have again assailed my mortal frame, and unfitted me for the vigorous performance of the services of this sacred day. *^Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear Him j He knoweth our frame, and remembereth we are but dust y His compassions are neither few nor small." I have found them exceeding abundant above what I have asked or desired. O, let me not shudder at the prospect " that this earthly house of my tabernacle must soon be taken down j " the winds and tempest, and storms of adversity, oft beat upon it, and will eventually level it with the dust. Let me not repine at the dreary, gloomy scene, but rejoice it is all mortality can do , death and the graver can never extinguish the breath of eternal life — dust must return to its primitive dust, but the immortal spirit to God who gave it. My Saviour will keep what I commit to Him, until that day — that glorious day — when the slumber- ing ashes of those who fell asleep in Jesus shall be reanimated, and shall arise in celestial splendor and vigour, without spot or wrinkle, in perfect beauty and holiness. Hail ! thait auspicious morning, when the long-separated companions, body and soul, shall be re-united,- changed into the likeness of Christ's glorified body, everlastingly to dwell with Him in perfect fruition and enjoyment ! JUNE 5th, 1814. I am again about to avouch the Lord to be my God, in the presence of angels and of men. O Thou adorable Spirit, whose benign influence alone can enable me to perform the sacred transaction aright, may I be so enveloped with Thine influence as to banish from my mind all earthly joys, distracting cares, and anxieties ; that I may approach the sacred table in sim- plicity and godly sincerity, humility, self- scrutiny and penitential grief. May the great Master of the feast welcome me with His approving testimony, " Having much forgiven, she loveth much." Dear Jesus, I would by faith again bathe Thy feet with my tears ; tears, emanating from the bitterest anguish of my soul, that I so often wander from Thee, crucify Thee afresh, and open all Thy wounds. O wondrous love 3 O matchless grace, that, notwithstanding my ingratitude, the beams of mercy still illuminate my path j while faith points to the crown of righteousness, the wed- ding garment, the eternal banquet, and " the rest that remaineth for the people of God." DECEMBER 11th, 1814. The quickly revolving months of another fleeting year fast hasten me to its final close. And what, O my soul, are thy views of the Divine goodness through its varied passing scenes ? What hath God wrought ? He hath •^ delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from faUing." He loosed my bands of pain, and bound me with His 4, 7 love 5 I trust, indissoluble bands, that sin, Satan, and the world, can never separate. Relative deliverances also demand my live- liest gratitude. '' Lord, when I count Thy mercies o'er, they strike me with surprise"; mercies forfeited by insensibility, perverseness, and unbelief. Hadst Thou so marked iniquity as to enter into judgment with Thy servant, I must have been banished from Thy blissful presence, and consigned to the miserable abode of outer darkness, for ever and ever O, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God ! how unsearchable are His mercies, and His judgments past finding out ! ** Deep ia unfathomable mines Of never failing skill ; He treasures up His bright designs. And works His sovereign will." May that Divine will be the sole governing principle of all my future desires and actions, so that if smiling mercy crowns my days, its praises shall be spread, or, with filial confidence, I may adore the hand that strikes my comforts dead ! FEBRUARY 5th, 1815. Sabbath Morning. ** Great was the day, the joy was great When the Divine disciples met. Whilst on their heads the Spirit came," and scaled their Divine commission with mi- raculous wonders and Almighty power. So we, in this latter day, and far distant isle, in our measure rejoice in the glad tidings of the remission of sins to those who believe in the name of the blessed Emanuel. In the participation of the solemn institution of his appointment, I would this day commemorate his dying love, and most cordially welcome the glad sound of reconciliation through a once crucified but now exalted Redeemer. May I examine myself and so eat of that bread and drink of that cup. Sing O Heavens, and be joyful O earth, break forth into singing O mountains, for the Lord hath comforted his people. Thy watch- man, O Zion, hath, in pathetic and consolatory strains, declared " The days of thy mourning shall be ended." O my soul, cherish the bliss- ful anticipation, when thy conflicts shall be crowned with victory, and thine enemies for ever cease to terrify and affright. Thy mourn- ing ended over privileges and means of grace unimproved, unsubdued corruptions, indif- ference and unbelief; thy mourning ended, over the want of faith, love, holiness, zeal, and a more consistent walk and deportment ; thy mourning ended, over a too anxious solicitude about the things of this world, and frequently a fearful and gloomy apprehension of the bitter sufferings of nature's dissolution. Thy mourning ended, O my soul, when shall it be ? Solemn thought ! elevated contempla- tion ! when some celestial messenger shall say, " come up hither," and death release my captive spirit, which, with triumphant flight, shall wing its way to the regions of eternal blessedness, there to inhale the refreshing sweets of Paradise, and for ever feast on its luxuriant fruits and rich satisfactions — when the Lord shall be thine everlasting hght and thy God thy glory. Indulging these delightful prospects, let sin be growing daily more and more my aversion and utter detestation j while out of the fulness treasured up in the Lord 10 Jesus Christ, for the benefit of his people, I hope to derive a full supply of grace and strength for the performance of those active and passive duties which adorn Christianity, and which are required of me in the endearing relations of life in which I stand as a wife, a mother, friend, and member of a religious society — remembering the proof of my attach- ment to his cause must be manifested by keep- ing his commandments. The dear Redeemer, when on earth, said, " Not every one that saith unto me"* Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven, but he that doeth the will of my Father in heaven." Thou sacred Spirit, to whom belongeth the great work of sanctification, consecrate every faculty of my soul, the powers of my under- standing, and affections of my heart in this delightful work— that I may finish my course with joy-=>looking unto Jesus, who is able to present me blameless before the presence of his glory. Amen. FEBRUARY 16th, 1815. The many rapid returns of the anniversary 11 of this day have brought me to the autumnal period of human life. O, my soul, enter now into a most serious and solemn contemplation of the past, present, and future scenes of this mortal state. Obligations the highest and noblest impe- riously demand it, and however feeble and impotent the expression, my heavenly Father accept the debt of gratitude I present unto Thee ! Thy care has been manifested from the first moment of my existence, and from that hour when the insatiate monster Death deprived me of the endearing caresses of maternal affec- tion, and, in a few succeeding years, left me a helpless orphan child in this inhospitable clime. When my father and mother forsook me the Lord took me up. Verily, O ever-blessed Jehovah, in Thee the fatherless findeth mercy. Through the flowery, enchanting, delusive, paths of youth, no other power than thine could have prevented my entanglement in the mazy wilds of folly, vanity, and visionary joy. Thine hand withheld the baneful draught of the intoxicating cup of wordly pleasure^ and 12 shielded me from the full glare of its dazzling temptations. '' Lord, I adore thy matcliless grace. That warned me of that dark abyss. That di*ew me from those ti-eacherous seas. And bid me seek superior bliss j" That taught my immortal spirit, with elevated desires, to seek for nobler, more durable and refined felicities in the pursuits and prospects of true religion. God of Abraham, of Isaac, and of Jacob, Thou didst choose my inheritance for me, hast led me these forty years and upwards in the wilderness, notwithstanding my innumerable rebellions and provocations. Thy goodness has passed before me, neither has Thy faithfulness failed to thine unworthy servant. O Lord, I not only praise Thee that I have a goodly heritage, and that the lines have fallen unto me in pleasant places, but I adore Thee most for the discipline of Thy rod, those strokes " That forced my conscience to a stand And brought my wandermg soul to God,'^ 13 Infinite wisdom, compassion, and the ten- derest sympathj'-, have been mingled with my severest sufferings. Thou didst listen to my secret groaning, and my sighs were not con- cealed from Thee. Who is a God, like unto Thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth by the transgressions of thine heritage, who re- deemeth Israel from all his iniquities, through the atoning sacrifice of Thy dearly beloved Son, the Lamb of God who taketh away the sins of the world ? Marvellous are thy works, and that my soul knoweth right well, or I had long ere this dwelt in silence, darkness, and despair. ** Hitherto, God hath helped me," and through the riches of his grace I now erect this pillar of remembrance to his praise. Having been led thus far on my pilgrimage through the wilderness, let not the prevalence of ignorance, impatience, and unbelief, cause me to distrust Thy future care. Futurity is wisely and mer- cifully concealed from the view of finite beings, " neither would I vainly long to see the volume of his deep decrees, what months are writ for me." Rather may I experience a rich unction from the Holy One to embrace the promises of the Divine Word, the records of his grac®, 14 enabling me to believe all things, hope all things, endure all things, as seeing Him who is invisible ; in the full persuasion my heavenly Father will either take me from the evil to come, or give me all needful grace and strength to support me under it. " I will lift up mine eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help j my help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. He that keepeth Israel will not slumber," He will preserve my soul. 1 now fall into the hands of my Creator, my Redeemer, and my Judge. Mercy is all my plea, free, unmerited mercy, through our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. *' The songs of everlasting years That mercy shall attend, Which leads thro' sufferings of an hour To joys that never end." FEBRUARY 26th, 1815. " Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Blessed Jesus, I adore Thee for this compassionate invitation, so suited to my present conflicts, and 15 to the tumultuous distractions and harassing stratagems of the great enemy of my soul. The principles of sin and holiness maintain a continual warfare, and were it not for the encouraging declarations of Divine truth, ap- plied to my heart by the sacred Spirit, I should be overwhelmed with inexpressible griefj, wretchedness, and despair. Blessed Jesus, I fly to Thy arms for shelter amidst the winds of temptation, the waves of trouble, and buffeting of the great adversary of my soul. Thou wast, in the days of thy humiliation, the sub- ject of temptation, yet without sm, and art able to succour Thy people in their most terrific assailments. Do thou equip me with the Christian armour, the shield of faith, the sword of the Spirit, and helmet of salvation, that I may resist the fiery darts of the wicked one, and be enabled to stand in the evil day ! My spirit is overwhelmed within me, weak and impotent, T can do nothing of myself. O, my Saviour, say unto them who are of a fearful heart, be strong, fear not, behold your God will come and save you. Blessed Jesus, on Thy bosom will I repose, in Thy power will I confide j Thou canst still the foaming billow 16 and the boisterous wind 3 speak the word^ and there shall be a great calm ; give unto my wearied spirit invigorating, refreshing, soul- satisfying repose, then will I glory in my infir- mity, that the power of Christ may rest upon tne-j believing through Him, patience and perseverance will surely obtain the prize. " A feeble saint shall win the day, Though death and hell obstruct the way." MARCH 12th, 1815. ^' With joy shall she draw water from the Wells of salvation." This day has this Scrip- ture been fulfilled in my experience, in the meditations of thy ministering servant oui? pastor, from that beautiful and feeling excla- mation of the good old patriarch Jacob in a season of exquisite distress and perplexity, " All these things are against me." Alas ! has not this spirit often manifested itself in the frame of my mind, if not in the language of my lips ? Doth it not now exist in the appre* hension of approaching disappointment and trial, now the gathering cloud, and distant thunder of calamity threaten to envelope me ir ill sorrow and dismay ; am I not ready to say this surely will be against me ? Thy way, O Lord, is in the sea, and Thy paths in the mighty deep, yet justice and judgment are the habitation of Thy throne ! Let me never arraign the mysteries of Thy proceedings, or say, wherefore hast Thou done so? O my heavenly Father, give me faith to trust Thee where I cannot trace Thee 3 faith in Thy being, nature, perfections, attributes, and inscrutable sovereignty ; faith that shall remove those mountains of difficulty, ignorance, and guilt, which intercept my progress in the Divine life ; faith to unfold the sacred pages of revelation, to feed upon its precious promises, and to realize its delightful prospects 3 faith is the gift of God, and without it, it is impos- sible to please Him ; for this celestial boon I will be importunate. O Thou Eternal Jehovah, grant me faith to live to Thine honor and glory here, in a con- stant and persevering endeavour to overcome every opposition 3 faith, patiently to endure the trials, and painful vicissitudes of the pre- sent life 3 faiih, which is the evidence of things not seen ; that faith which draws aside 18 the veil of futurity, and presents to our won- dering eyes durable riches and righteousness, pure and unmixed delight, peaceful, undis- turbed repose, and, what no mortal language can define — '^ An eternal weight of glory," " O for a strong and lasting faith. To credit what the Alraighty saith ; To embrace the message of His Son^ And call the joys of Heaven our own. " Then, should the earth's old pillars break. And all the wheels of nature shake, My steady soul would fear no more. Than solid rocks when billows roar." APRIL 1st, 1815. Disappointed in the expectation of my be- loved husband's return home after a long absence, and fearful some disastrous or un- propitious event has been the cause of his detention, I am become the subject of much agitation and disquietude. Disconsolate and alone j without a friend like her, the much-loved friend of my earlier days, who is now before Thy throne, inter- 19 mingling her praises with the spirits of the just made perfect, whose kindred spirit was wont to sympathise with me in ali the eventful changes of this passing scene of misery and woe. Tem- pest tossed, and half a wreck, ah ! whither shall I flee, to whom can I go but unto Thee, the Lord, my rock, my fortress, and my high tower, and horn of my salvation ? Thy waves and Thy billows are fast rolling over me, yet Thou wilt command Thy loving kindness in the day-time, and in the night Thy song shall be with me, and my prayer to the God of my life. O my God, correct me, but not in anger ; chasten me, but not in Thy hot displeasure, lest I faint and be consumed ^ shew me where- fore Thou contendest with me, that I may repent in dust and ashes, and be sorry for my sin. Does unmortified pride, self-complacency, or vain glory lurk in some secret retreat of my carnal heart ? Do I indulge some unknown sin ? Do the hateful, malignant passions of envy, emulation, and discontent, rankle and fester within my breast, and supplant the better feelings of humility, gratitude, and be- i' 20 nevolence ? Lord ! Thou knowest ,• search me and try me, and lead me in the way ever- lasting—and though called to tread the rugged path of adversity in the lonely vale of human life. Thou canst perfume it with sweetest flow- ers, and richest fruits of Christian experience. Not many wise, noble, or mighty, are thus distinguished : but the poor and the humble are filled with Thy blessings, O let me be poor in this world, so that I am rich in faith, and made an heir of the eternal kingdom ! Time is shorty " Man wants but little here below, nor wants that little long." O my father, assuage this corroding care about the morrow, by an unshaken confidence in Thine allwise, super- intending, guardian providence. The beauties of nature, the birds of the air, and beasts of the field, are not beneath Thy regard 3 and shall Thy intelligent creatures, the last best works of Thy creative energy, be forgotten by Thee ? Man, upon whom Thou didst stamp Thine own image, and breathed into him the breath of life, implanted within him a vital spark, that death and eternity can never ex- tinguish ? O np ! notwithstanding sin has wofully marred his pristine beauty, and his 21 actual transgressions would have banished him for ever from Thy blissful presence, the arm of mercy is stretched out still, to illumine a dark and benighted world with the enlightening rays of Divine truth ! Be astonished, O heavens ! and thou, my soul, magnify the stupendous mysteries, the heights and depths of eternal love ! God so loved the world as to give His own Son, His well-beloved Son, *• the express image of His person," the Lord of glory, to redeem the fallen race of Adam, that whosoever be- lieveth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life 3 and with Him will he not freely give us all things ? Thy people in ancient days took joyfully the spoiling of their goods, they wandered about in sheep skins and goat skins, destitute, afflicted, tormented. The adorable Redeemer himself, when a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief, had not even where to lay his weary, sacred head ; and shall I show reluctance in suffering a little tem- porary inconvenience or outward deprivation ? Shall it be according to wzy mind ? O my heavenly Father, in mercy forbid it! This . 23 world cannot satisfy my immortal desires; then why so anxious about its present conve- niences and enjoyments ? Tasting of the hidden manna, and partaking of the bread of life, and that meat the world knows nothing of, I have enough, and will declare it to succeeding gene- rations. •* What others value I resign, Lord 'tis enough if thou art minej 1 shall behold Thy blissful face. And stand complete in righteousness." O Eternal Spirit, implant within my soul, by Thine efficacious operations, that internal hohness which shall be the best preservative against temporal or spiritual judgments j give me that holiness, without which it is impos- sible to see the Almighty and live. May I be constantly looking unto that holy, happy, place, where sin can never enter; there may I be united, with those who are come out of great tribulation, have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb j with the innumerable company of the re- deemed, out of every kindred, and nation, and tongue, in one grand harmonious concert of 23 adoration and praise, through the endless du- ration of eternity. • ' O may my spirit daily rise On wings of faith above the skies ; Till death shall make my last remove. To dwell for ever in Thy love." APRIL 26th, 1815. One of my kindred, the sister of my mother, in the past week has fallen asleep in Jesus ; and is now numbered with the long cloud of witnesses, who have borne their dying testi- mony to the truth of His word, and the sta- bility of His promises ; her last enemy death has been vanquished, while the triumphs of faith, and shouts of victory, were heard in his icy bands and gloomy shadow. Come now, O my soul, and realize these awful solemnities ; consider the consequences of death, and the dread tribunal of judgment. " Who can stand when He appeareth, who shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver," whose Omniscience will detect the specious hypocrite, and His omni- potence confound the daring infidel, while his justice will strike terror and dismay into the 24 obdurate and impenitent sinner? Who may abide the solemnities of that day, when the sovereign Judge shall descend in majestic gran- deur, with myriads of attending angels, in His own glory, and that of His Father j when every eye shall see Him, and they that pierced Him, at the voice of the archangel and the trump of God ? O conscience ! conscience ! faithful monitor, do thine office — I supplicate the im- partial decision j let me now be judged at thy bar, that I be not hereafter condemned with the wicked. A.nd Thou, O sacred Spirit, pene- trate the inmost recesses of my heart — help me in this momentous exercise, that I may not be found speechless in that great day j but may abide the day of His coming -, the coming of Jesus, who was crucified on Calvary, who once oflFered up Himself a sacrifice to Divine justice, and to redeem poor perishing sinners to him- self. Now will I confess Him the Lord of Glory before men, that He may pronounce me blessed before an assembled world. " Yes, thou art precious to my soul, My transport and my trust ; Jewels to Thee are gaudy toys. And gold is sordid dust." 25 My Saviour, clothe me with the garments of salvation, and those ornaments which time cannot tarnish or death annihilate. Let my recent visit to the tomb of my an- cestors be improved by serious reflections on my own frailty and mortality. Shortly, the worm will feed upon me, and the dust of the earth cover me. The bed of the grave awaits me, and the dark night of death fast ap- proaches. Dear Jesus, excite in me a more intense desire to be found prepared for these important events ; so that, having my lamp trimmed, and my light burning, I may cheer- fully wait the coming of my Lord, trusting, though flesh and heart should fail. Thou wilt be the strength of my heart and my portion for ever ! " I'll ^peak the honors of Thy name, With my last laboring breath. Then, speechless clasp Thee in my arms The antidote of death!" JULY 2nd, 1815. Sabbath Morning. " I will extol Thee, my God, O King ! every day will I bless Thee. I will speak of the- 26 honor of Thy Majesty, and of Thy wondrous works. Thy kingdom is an everlasting king- dom, and Thy dominion endureth throughout all generations." O King of Saints, mine eyes are up unto Thee, and my expectations alone from Thee ; help me this day, to testify my allegiance to Thy government, my zeal in Thy cause, and my ajBfectionate attachment to Thy faithful friends and followers " This my glorj''. Lord, to be Join'd to Thy saints and near to Thee." Noon. Lord, T adore Thee, that Thou hast permitted me to sing the songs of Zion, though in a strange land ; hast blessed the labours of Thy much-esteemed ministering servant, in the contemplation of the holy Psalmist's experience during his interrupted slumbers in the night- season, when he called to remembrance his song in the night, communed with his own heart, and his spirit made diligent search. O my soul, imitate his example ; with a wakeful, dihgent scrutiny examine thyself j thy condition as a sinnet, thy present state, and future expectations ; the happy conclusion will be 27 *' O, to grace, how great a debtor j" " all the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth to them that love Him, and though weeping may- endure for anight, joy cometh in the morning." O King of Glory, meet with me at Thy table, bless the s'acred repast in calling to remem- brance my song in the night (a plaintive lay) — in that dark and dreary night which ushered in the bright and morning star to my benighted soul J saying, "my peace I give unto you." For this proof of Thy redeeming love, I again praise Thee , and set to my seal, that Thou art true. Thou art ever mindful of them ' that fear Thee j Thou wilt hear their cry and wilt save them. Evening. . Adorable Redeemer, from a renewed ex- hibition of Thy sufferings, I would say, '* Was ever sorrow like unto Thy sorrow ?" My soul, let it not only be a transient glance, but a fixed, solemn, humiliating, penitential gaze ; till with piercing conviction I exclaim, *' *Twas you my sins, my cruel sins, His chief tormentors were ; Each of my crimes became a nail And unbelief a spear." 28 Blessed Jesus ! from Thy bitter sorrows arise my sweetest joys, my highest hopes, and sub- limest anticipations. From Thine atoning sacrifice, Thy meritorious death, Thy matchless victories, glorious exaltation, and ever prevalent intercession, I hope to be brought off more than conqueror — delivered from the cruel, malicious fangs of Satan, the risings of in- dwelling corruption, and whatever shall inter- cept my progress in the divine life. My Saviour leads me forth to conquest and a crown, not fading and corruptible j but brilliant and daz- zling as the celestial firmament, and durable as eternal ages, reserved till the glorious morning of the resurrection, when this mortal shall put on immortality, and my triumphant spirit be united to a glorious body, resplendent in beauty and holiness. "Then drest in robes of snowy white I'll join the shining band ; And learn new anthems to the Lamb, While round His throne I stand." 29 AUGUST 7tb, 1815. Morning. My inconstant, versatile, worthless heart, whither hast thou wandered since thy last season of preparative inspection, for the worthy partaking of the sacred supper ? How many vain thoughts have lodged within thee ! How many subtle insinuations of the arch-adversary hast thou greeted ! How many evil imagina- tions cherished to the wounding of thy peace, and the injury of thine immortal soul ! Well may I unite in the acknowledgment and inquiry, *' The heart is deceitful, above all things, and desperately wicked — who can know it ? " Eter- nal Spirit, so teach me to know it, as to produce on my countenance the crimson blush, the moistened eye, the downcast look, with every other demonstration of self-abhorrence, re- morse, and disgust. O, my God, '' Create in me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me ■" turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity, and quicken Thou me in Thy law 3 strengthen me according 30 to Thy Word, then shall I delight myself in Thy commandments, which I have loved. " Return, O Holy Dove, return, Sweet messenger of rest, I hate the sins that made Tbee mourn. And drove Thee from my breast." Restore unto me the joys of Thy salvation, that I may approach the consecrated board, though with confusion, diffidence, and fear; yet, beholding Him who was once offered to bear the sins of many, who was wounded for our transgressions, Jesus, the exalted Saviour — the chastisement of our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed. Reanimated and quickened by the sweet solacing contem- plation, I would eat of that bread, and take of that cup, for His flesh is meat indeed, and His blood is drink indeed. Zion is Thine, most Holy God ! I will bless her gates, and with exulting gratitude will praise Thee for those rivers of consolation which encircle Jerusalem's happy mount. " Blessed 31 are they that dwell in Thy house, they will be still praising Thee." " How rich are Thy provisions, Lord, Th}'- table furnished from above, The fruits of Hfe o'erspread the board, The cup o'erflows with Heavenly love." Love, so infinite, unmerited, and free, ex- pression fails in its description ; and T am lost in the boundless contemplation of its magni- tude and worth. Eternal thanks to that love, which, through the medium of Thy ministering servant at The holy table, said unto me, " Woman, why wecpest thou ? " and encouraged me to reply, " Lord, Thou knowest all things," Thou knowest why I weep ; my secret griefs are not hidden from Thee ; Thou knowest all things ', Thou knowest that I love Thee, and that I weep for so often wandering from Thee ; put Thou my tears in Thy bottle -, are they not in Thy book, a registered memorial of my penitence, contrition, and grief ? My soul, thou art in a vale of tears, and must still sigh and weep for thine emancipation from the thraldom of corruption, the entanglements of sin, and an evil heart of unbelief 5 but be of 32 good cheer, He that hath mercy on thee will guide thee continually ; for in the name of thy Redeemer thou shalt rejoice, and in His righteousness shalt be exalted. Blessed Jesus, say unto me, " My grace is sufficient for thee, I will strengthen thee, yea, I will help thee, I will uphold thee with the right hand of My righteousness ; I have redeemed thee, and thou art Mine." *' Ye saints assist my grateful tongue. Ye angels warble back my song, For love like this demands the praise Of Heavenly harps and endless days." OCTOBER 15tb, 1815. " O Lord, Thou hast searched me and known me, Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, Thou understandest my thoughts afar off ; there is not a word on my tongue, but Thou, O Lord, knowest it altogether." O, let integrity and uprightness ever preserve me, so will I encompass thine altars, my God, my most exceeding joy. O, let me never be like the painted sepulchre — fair, attractive, and im- pressive J while its hidden recesses are full of nauseous deformity, putrefaction, and death. 33 Ever keep me from the baneful anci fatal delusion of self-deception ; that awful delusion, which, with a presumptuous arrogance, would even press into the celestial gates of Paradise, saying " Lord, Lord, open unto us," when He from within will reply, *' depart from me, I never knew you, ye workers of iniquity." O my soul, now hail thy day of mercy, day of grace — break forth into singing. Now is the accepted time, now is the day of salvation ; for thus saith the Lord, I have no pleasure in the death of a sinner, but rather that he should turn from his wickedness and live ; yea, who- soever confesseth and forsaketh his sins shall find mercy. With the lowly and penitent attitude of one of old, I smite upon my breast and exclaim, •' God be merciful to me a sinner." Yes, T will confess my original guilt, and actual trans- gressions ; '' I was born in sin, and in iniquity did my mother conceive me." My infantile days were marred by perverseness and unruly dispositions ; while the early buddings of youth, and the maturity of riper years, too plainly manifested the whole head to be sick, 34 and the whole heart faint ; there was naught but wounds, and bruises, and putrifying sores. O to grace, how great a debtor ! sovereign grace, that rescued me from the dark abyss of misery, and directed my imploring eyes to Him who maketh intercession for trans- gressors. *' I looked unto Him, whom God hath exalted to be a Prince, and a Saviour j to give repentance unto Israel and forgiveness of sins ; who His own self bare our sins in His own body on the tree, that we being dead to sin, should live unto righteousness." O my soul, " Sing of mercy, sing with gladness. Let the theme thy tongue employ ; Talk no more of gloom and sadness, Mercy is a theme of joy." Listen to its sweet and soothing accents^ from the voice of Omnipotence. " I, even I, am He, that blotteth out thy transgressions,^ and as a cloud thy sins. Return unto me, I have redeemed thee." Eternal spirit, enkindle within my heart, a more earnest desire of thankfulness, and holy affection of soul, for any hope in the great and S5 invaluable blessings of pardoned sin. Dear Comforter, descend with Thnie all animating influence, that with renewed energy, constancy, and delight, I may proclaim my joy and gra- titude ; let the sweet sounds of sin forgiven, my sins forgiven, for ever vibrate on my enrap- tured ear: " Teach me some melodious sonnet, " Sung by flaming worlds above — • Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it, Mount of God's unchanging love." NOVEMBER 5th, 1815. Glory, honor, blessing, and praise, be unto Thee, O Lamb of God, whose meritorious sacri- fice, and illustrious oblation, I am now about to celebrate. Should the great master of assem- blies greet me with the enquiry, ** Friend, where- fore art thou come ?" may I not most assuredly reply, not to betray my Lord, or through the base impulse of avarice barter his sacred per- son for an insignificant sum of silver ; rather, is it not to dedicate my all to Him ; health, pro- perty, life, with its beloved endearments ; and 36 death, with its attendant sufferings and solem- nities ? Am I not come, to pick up some of the crumbs that fall from Thy table ? Vouch- safe it unto me, compassionate Redeemer ; a taste of that bread of life is sweeter to my soul, than all the fragrant delights art or nature can produce ; yea, sweeter than honey and the honeycomb. Bread of Heaven, nourish and invigorate my fainting spirit, that I may be enabled with undiverted feet to tread the paths of holiness, sincerity, and peace. Eternal spirit, grant me the sublime anticipation, that ere long I shall be permitted to eat of the fruit of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God, " where I shall hunger no more, and where sorrow and sighing shall for ever flee away." NOVEMBER 21»t, 1815. One of my family has this day left the parental roof, and launched into the boisterous- ocean of the present life=-left the tranquillity »f retirement, to encounter the temptations- 37 •and dangers of a corrupt, profligate, and pop\i- lous city. My Heavenly Father, 'Mike as a father pitieth his children, so Thou pitiest them that fear Thee ; Thou knowest our frame and rememberest we are but dust." Vouch- safe Thy tender regard unto me, under the weighty pressure of maternal anxiety and apprehension. Truly, my soul waiteth upon Thee — this burden I cast upon Thee, O my God, in the believing hope Thou wilt sustain me. O memory ! blest gift of heaven, by thy cherished influence, I will recall those grateful emotions, when I first pressed my beloved child to my fond bosom, and called him my son of consolation, the little soother of my anguished spirit ; in the dark day of calamity, when the hand of my God was heavy upon me, suffering under the piercing smart of the re- peated strokes of his correcting rod, and nearly sinking in the dread shades of darkness and despair, I will look back to that season, when, with much feebleness and imperfection, I devoted him to Thee, in the sacred ordinance of Baptism^ earnestly desiring he might be I'hine. 38 My Heavenly Father, I most solemnly renew the dedication of him to Thy blessed self. O, that he may be Thine now, and in the day when Thou wilt make up Thy jewels — keep him by night and by day ; there is nothing too hard for Thee ; listen to his youthful suppli- cations to be delivered from surrounding temptations. O, keep him from the snares of the fowler, the path of the destroyer, the raging terror by night, and the destruction that wasteth at noonday. To Thine Almighty power, unerring wisdom, matchless love, and compassion, I commend him , well knowing, though Thou sometimes hidest Thyself, Thou verily art the God of Israel, and their Saviour. DECEMBER 15th, 1815. Another fugitive year is nearly passed away. Hours, days, and months, how swiftly fled ! Come, now, my soul, and mark their flight, with the acknowledgment, " day unto day uttereth speech, and night unto night teacheth knowledge." 39 Eternal and ever-blessed Jehovah, one day with Thee is as a thousand years, and a thousand years are as one day ; the varied seasons, the fluctuations of time, and incon- stancy of all created good are alike to Thee j Thou changest not — " the same yesterday, to- day, and for ever." Lord, vi^hat is man — frail, mutable man, — that Thou art mindful of him, or the son of man that Thou visitest him ? With admiring gratitude, will I erect a monumental pillar of remembrance to Thy helping hand and faithful care through the last circling period. Signal interpositions of Pro • vidence, powerful operations of grace, with the consolatory influence of the Sacred Spirit, vouchsafed unto me in the exercises of appre- hension, sorrow, and distress, demand not a hasty expression of obligation, or parsimonious tribute of praise 3 but a devout consecration of body, soul, and spirit to Him who hath dealt most marvellously with his unworthy servant. O, Thou that dwellest in the Heavens, to Thee will I direct my prayer, and look up ; deign toacceptmy hymns of gratitude, anthems ^f praise, and hallelujahs of thanksgiving from this lower world. Now let me begin the un- 40 finished song of Moses and the Lamb ; for the Lord liveth, and blessed be my rock, and exalted be the God of my salvation. FEBRUARY 16th. 1816. " The Lord God omnipotent reigneth." Though clouds and darkness are round about Him, justice and judgment are the habitation of His throne." My soul, bow with the profoundest reverence to His august sovereignty, and say, *' Just and true are Thy ways, O King of saints ; who shall not fear Thee, and glorify Thy name?" O Lord, Thou art our Father, our redeemer. Thy name is everlasting ; we are the clay, Thou our potter ; we are all the work of Thy hands. A voice cried, " Hear ye the rod, and who hath appointed it?" Yes, I will prostrate myself before the Most High God, and bear His in- dignation, because I have sinned against Hira. Yet, let me tell of His faithfulness, and His loving-kindness, to succeeding generations. "My God is the God of salvation j for unto Him belong the issues from death ; He bringeth 41 to the grave, and raiseth up again ; He heareth the groaning of the prisoner, and saveth such as trust in Him." " His arms of everlasting love Did my weak frame sustain. When life was hov'ring o'er the grave, And nature sunk with pain." A-las ! in quick succession, tremendous in terror and dismay, another voice cried, ** Hear ye the rod, and who hath appointed it ! Be- hold, the day of thy visitation cometh I" " Lord, I adore Thy vast designs. The obscure abyss of providence j Too deep to sound with mortal lines, Too dark to view with feeble sense." The desire of mine eyes hast Thou taken away with a stroke. My husband is not ; " Lover and friend put far from me, my guide and my counsellor, into darkness." O awful vicissitude ! the beams of morning, beheld me a happy wife j its evening shade, a mourning widow. "I was dumb with silence^ because Thou didst it." Thou, who art my father, my friend, my re- fuge, my portion, Thou heardest my anguished 42 convulsive supplications ; put underneath me Thine everlasting arms, and said, ''Fear not, thy Maker is thy husband, the Lord of Hosts is His name.'" Surely, I shall go softly all my days, in the bitterness of my soul, for in His power is life. His loving-kindness is better than life. O earth ! earth ! delusive, precarious, and perishing, are thy joys. The rising vapour, fleeting shadow, morning cloud, and early dew, well delineate thy felicities. Verily, every man at his best estate is altogether vanity, " Like flow'ry fields the nations stand, Pleas'd with the morning light; The flowers, beneath the mower's hand, Lie withering, ere 'tis night." Solemn vicissitude ! that one short hour severed the connubial tie, and left the mother and her children a sad spectacle of commisera- tion and of woe. Heart-rending vicissitude! that bade me bid farewell to the beloved com- panion of my life, the partner of my sorrows and my joys. Husband of my youth, again farewell ! Undissembled sincerity, with the most ardent affection, marked thy early love, cou- 43 tinuing through the revolving period of thirty years, and ceasing not, but with the last moment of expiring life. Lively compassion, exquisite tenderness, and endearing sympathy, were the genuine feelings of thy heart, under all the painful sufferings, afflictive dispensations, and vexatious disappointments, of this sublunary state. Parental love ever glowed in thy bosom, and sparkled in thine eye. Pure religion, and undefiled, adorned thy Christian profession, visiting the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and in keeping thee unspotted from the world. The lowly grace of humility, savoured the holy devotions of thy soul, and enriched with lustre, its brightest fervors. The grace of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ shone conspicuously in thy character, in the several relations of the family, thine official capacity in the Church, and conversation in the world. Dearly beloved of my soul ! accept, on the return of my natal day— sad, solitary day — this feeble tribute to thy much-loved memory ; gratitude to the Almighty Giver for so in- valuable a bestowraent, conjugal love ; and all 44 the endearing ties of nature and affection, dictate the sacred memorial. Now let me tell of the triumphs of faith, the achievements of grace, and bright discoveries of eternal truth. O, blessed volume, that brought life and immortality to light, divine illumination, omnipotent faith, and enraptured hope, I sing thy victories ; by thy rich influ- ence, I have been enabled to commit to the dreary mansions of the tomb, one highly prized and valued in life, and sincerely la- mented and mourned for in death. Rest, peaceful slumberer, on thy earthly bed. And wait the happy day. When Jesus will Himself descend, And raise thy mouldering clay." My Saviour will keep the sacred deposit till that day, thrice happy day, when the grave shall give up her dead, and the refulgent beams of the resurrection morning usher in a bright, a glorious, and an eternal day. No more the penal curse, "Dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return 3 " mortality shall be swal- lowed up of life, and the extatic acclamation fully realized, *' grave I where, where is thy 45 victory," and the triumphant spirit be arrayed with ineffable loveliness, consummate purity, and celestial glory. O blessed hope ! O glorious appearing of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ ! when at the voice of the archangel, and the last sound- ing trumpet, those that love Him will He bring with Him to behold His glory ; and so shall they ever be with the Lord. With holy fortitude, I embrace the trans- porting declarations of inviolable truth, and bind that gospel to my heart, which sanctions my anticipations, and encourages my believing hope of a reunion with my beloved kindred in the Tipper and better world. There we shall see as we are seen, and know as we are known > be transformed into the image of Jesus ; and sorrow^ and sighing for ever flee away; per- petual spring, everblooming sweets, and un- withering joys, reign in Immanuel's land. •* There on a green and flow'ry mount. Our weary souls shall sit ; And 'with transporting joy recpuni The labors of our feet." 46 O rny God and Father, help me to recognize Thy hand in my affliction, and Thy powerful arm that upholds and sustains me under it ! May a chastened, moderated grief, at my heavy loss be visible in my deportment j yet, remem- bering, " Jesus wept at Bethany," at the grave of his friend, and will allow the tender emo- tions of my soul, to manifest themselves at the tomb of my husband, while checking the re- voltings of nature, and saying — " Peace, every angry passion, then, Let each rebellious sigh Be silent at His sovereign will, And every murmur die." Eternal Jehovah, now vouchsafe to accept the solemn dedication of myself to Thee, make me a widow indeed, trusting in Thee, and con- tinuing in supplications night and day ! Have compassion on my fatherless children, adopt them into Thy family, take them into Thy covenant, for Thou hast said, '' them that come of Jacob shall take root ; Israel shall blossom and bud, and fill the face of the world with fruit." May they serve the God of their father with a perfect heart and a wilhng mind. 47 These blessings I implore, in the name of the Father, the Son, and Sacred Spirit, one undivided Jehovah j to whom be glory, and honor, dominion and power, for ever and ever;, Amen. July 14th, 1816. Eternal Jehovah ! From Thee, when creature streams run low. And mortal comforts die ; Perpetual springs of life shall flow. And raise our pleasures high. Though all created light decay. And death close up our eyes. Thy presence makes eternal day, Where clouds can never rise. I bless Thee for the dawning of that happy day 3 and will make known Thy kindness and benignity in my solitary, disconsolate state. Thou hast known my son] in adversity, and ofl refreshed me with the consolations of Thy spirit and tokens of Thy love ; " in Thy pre- 48 sence is fulness of joy," even in the dreary wilderness, much more "at Thy right hand, where are pleasures for evermore." Dear Father, this day raise my affections above all created good 3 fix them on Thy adorable Self, and let me taste and feel the joys which cannot be expressed. I venerate Thy allwise sovereignty that has separated me from communion on earth with ray dearer self, whose happy spirit is now associated with angels, and archangels, and the spirits of just men made perfect : elevate the holy exercises of my soul to an assimilation with him, and the innumerable company of redeemed ones out of every nation, and kindred and tongue. Jesus is their theme, and, by His grace, this day shall be mine. '* Yes, 'tis a sweet, a charming theme. My thoughts rejoice at Jesus' name ; Ye angels dwell upon the sound, Ye heavens reflect it to the ground." 49 JULY 21st, 1816. My meditations this day have been directed by Thy ministering servant to the prophetic exhortation, "Be instructed, O Jerusalem, lest my soul depart from thee." Great Teacher of Israel, that I know not, impart unto me ; lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies j lead me in Thy truth, and teach me, that I err not from Thy commandments. May the dispensations of Thy providence, word, and ordinances, produce consideration, solicitude, and heart inspection ; lest despised warnings occasion the withdrawment of Thy favor, and my God depart from me, leaving me a prey to desolation, wretchedness, and despair. " O let not the heart of the daughter of Thy people be healed slightly, saying, peace, peace, when there is no peace." Guide me, O Thou great Jehovah, in the good old paths that lead to the better Canaan j therein may I walk and find rest unto my soul. I have this day been sipping of the rills of consolation which flow from Divine ordinances, 50 t'ery pathetically delivered unto us by Mr. Harris, of Cambridge, from the first and part of the second verses of the 12th chapter of Hebrews. The contemplation of the long cloud of wit- nesses, who have finished their course, kept the faith, and have entered into their rest, and who are now spectators of our conduct, and Christian perseverance, is peculiarly interesting and endearing to me. May I be looking unto Jesus, who, for the joy that was set before Him, endured the Cross, and is now set down at the right hand of the Majesty on high. May I continually look unto Him, lest I be wearied and faint in my mind, under the weight of widowed anxiety, the pangs of separation, and increasing weak- uess of mortality ! My soul, look unto Him, till the beamings of sacred joy, the purchase of His love, and fruit of the eternal Spirit rest upon thee. Verily, the joy of the Lord is my strength, and my song in the house of my pilgrimage j and I will bless His name for ever and ever. Amen. 51 SEPTEMBER 8th, 1816. " Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make Hi^ paths straight." Unto this desirable end, my soul, take a fresh survey of the evil and malig- nity of sin, with a feeling sense of thy misery> and dreadful condition, without the Saviour, together with a hungering and thirsting after more intimate and endearing communion with him. Eternal Spirit, purify my heart by faith, cleanse it from the dross of sin, that leprosy which hath overspread all the powers and faculties of my soul, and produced darkness, confusion, and dismay ; drive the unruly throng from within, those base intruders, that would disturb its peaceful repose with false allure- ments, deceitful representations, treacherous delusions, artfully beguiling, the more securely to fetter and enslave. Come, Holy Spirit, heavenly Dove, with all Thy quickening powers, come shed abroad a Saviour's love, and animate the sacred devo- tions of my heart with holy vivacity and de- 52 light. " Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty -. ' the bands of sin are loosened, the heart finds utterance at a throne of grace, and the emancipated spirit bounds with rapturous avidity to the bosom of its Saviour and its God. Let me stand in the liberty wherewith Jesus makes His people free ; taking the shield of faith, the breastplate of righteousness, and the sword of the spirit. O let me be valiant in fight, successfully opposing all the crafty ad- versaries of my soul, and encountering, with holy fortitude, the future conflicts of my Chris- tian warfare. " The life that I now live in the flesh, may it be by the faith of the Son of God. who hath loved me, and given Himself for me." My faith rests upon Him for justification, sanctifi- cation, complete redemption, and eternal glori- fication. He is Alpha and Omega, the begin- ning and the end of my faith, my all in all; — my present happiness and future blessedness centre in Him. * ' Beneath His smiles my heart has lived, And part of heaven possest ; I praisd His name for grace received^ And trust Him for the rest." 53 Ever mindful of the exhortation, shew me thy faith by thy works, for faith without works is dead j let me be watchful, cautious, and prayerful, that I bring no reproach upon those holy principles I have adopted. O may a chaste converation, coupled with fear, ever prove the sincerity of my profession, and adorn that religion which is the source of my sweetest pleasures, richest consolations, noblest expectations, and sublimest anticipations. Great and best of Beings, grant unto me a visible progress in the Divine life ; enable me to surmount the difficulties and obstacles of unbe- lief, ignorance, and the wiles of a busy adver- sary ; may I have a well-grounded assurance that ere long I shall appear in Thy presence, in the New Jerusalem above, with exceeding joy j then shall I unite in the song, *' Not unto us, O Lord, not unto us, but to Thy name be all the glory." OCTOBER 17th. A. day so distinguished in the annals of my little history that it must be rescued from oblivion, and transmitted to posterity, in testi- 54 mony of gratitude to the God of my merries, my heavenly benefactor, and unchangeable friend. Thirty years this day with all the hilarity of youthful expectation, hope's flattering dreams, and fancy's painted joys, I entered into the honorable and endearing state of matrimony ; was united to the object of my deliberate choice, sanctioned by my connections, and, I believe, with the approval of heaven ! O death ! death ! thou dost terminate the fairest alliances, the dearest bonds, and all the various relations that subsist in this life ; with the most poignant feelings of sensibility, Thou hast taught me that indissoluble union and communion dwell not on earthly ground ; Thy severing stroke has pierced through my soul, while the tears of widowhood, and sighs of departed joys, now mingle with the pen- sively pleasing recollections of this day. Even so, my heavenly Father, for " so it seemeth good in Thy sight." *' The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord." With no common emotions of gratitude, would I adore Thee, ever- blessed Jehovah, for 55 that long series of domestic felicity with which I was indulged. Wedded love, matured and chastened in its affections, was my dearest solace under all the ills and sadness that befel me in this mortal state, as well as with the calm and retired satisfactions of home, and all its sweet and peaceful enjoyments. With the deepest gratitude of heart, I now inscribe, •' Ebenezer, hitherto the Lord hath helped me j" He hath supplied my innumer- able wants, delivered me in times of extremity, and sustained me in the depths of adversity j to His name be glory for ever and ever ! In ray twenty-first year I became a mother, and on the first anniversary of my nuptial day, October 17, 1787, with the beloved partner of my life, devoted our infant love to a covenant Jehovah, according to the appointed institutions of his word. A few passing months soon convinced me how imperfectly I had engaged in that solemn transaction j for He that hath said " I will abolish all idols," withdrew the breath He so lately gave ; took the cherubic spirit to His Ijlest abode, leaving the object of my fond 56 hopes and expectations, only a perishing, though beauteous, lump of clay ! O the depths of the knowledge, wisdom, and love of God ! I call upon my soul and all that is within me to bless and praise His most holy name ; this event fixed my roving, volatile, in- constant heart on His adorable self, and has often caused me to sing, *' sweet affliction, sweet affliction," through the following years of my pilgrimage ! He opened mine ear to discipline, I was instructed, and despised not the chastening of the Almighty. Verily, happy art thou O Israel ! Who is like unto thee O people, saved by the Lord ? Thy God in the midst of thee is mighty, He will save ! O to grace how great a debtor ! This shall be my constant theme. Impelled by sovereign grace, after a long season of darkness, doubt, and suspense, I ventured to put on the Lord Jesus, and in the presence of angels and of men, avouched the Lord to be my God j publicly testified my allegiance to His govern- ment, and attachment to his cause, on October 17th, 1790. 57 Ever memorable day ! which cemented so mysterious, indissoluble, eternal, a union 3 for I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, shall be able to separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus my Lord ! My soul, with Thy most fervid energies enter upon the unbounded contemplation, and admi- ration, of the beauty and harmony of the Divine attributes, — the perfections of Deity, in the great mysteries of redemption, and conduct of providence, with this consideration —what Thou knowest not now^ Thou shalt know hereafter, God is his own interpreter, and He will unfold in the transparent light of eternity the darkest shades of His dispensations, and unravel the deepest mysteries of His love ; then let not His sharp rebukes dismay thee, •• for whom He loveth He correcteth, and scourgeth every son that He receiveth j" be not greatly moved at the fiery trial thou art now endaring, for eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, nor hath it entered into the heart of man to conceive, what God hath prepared for them 58 that love Him ; even now he giveth strength to His people and will bless them with peace My soul doth magnify the Lord, and My spirit rejoiceth in God my Saviour ; for He hath been mindful of the desolate state of his handmaid, and in this vale of sorrow and of tears, afforded unto me the consolations of His most holy word, and the refreshments of His spirit. That peace which passeth under- standing, hath produced on my mind a calm, which language is too feeble to describe ; not the quiet of apathy, the calm of insen- sibility, or the tranquillity of indifference ; but the sweet placid satisfaction of yielding what I most prized and valued on earth at the divine command, with the profoundest reverence j say- ing, '* Father, not my will, but Thine be done." " I charge my thoughts be humble still, And all my carriage mild ; Content my father with thy will. And quiet as a child." Seeing that all things here must be dissolved j not only the ties of consanguinity, but the mysterious affinity of flesh and spirit, may I through the operation of divine influence be enabled to say, " I know when this earthly 59 house of my tabernacle is dissolved, I have a building of God, a house not made with hands eternal in the heavens j" let me count all things but loss for Christ, that I may be found in him ; if by any means I may attain to the resurrec- tion of the dead, and be admitted to that mar- riage festival, from which the guests shall never depart, where the celestial bridegroom will be for ever present, nor fear of alienation or dread of separation arise to mar the felicity, and disturb the joy ! DECEMBER 1st, 1816. O Thou that hearest and answerest prayer, unto Thee shall the vow be performed. *' What thanks I owe Thee, and what love, A boundless, endless store. Shall echo through the realms of light. When time shall be no more." The desire accomplished, how sweet it is ! O my God, words are too poor to express my gratitude for Thy great goodness towards me. One of my beloved children has this day been admitted into Thy family 3 in the morning 60 of her days has chosen Thee for her portion, and subscribed herself by the name of Israel. Compassionate Shepherd of Thy flock, accept the tender oflfering, though only an infant in years J *' out of the mouth of babes and suck- lings. Thou canst ordain praise." O take her to Thy bosom, guard her through all the mazy windings and intricate labyrinths of this wilder- ness state ; guard her from every enemy, from foes without, and foes within ; supply her wants from Thy fulness, and enrich her with Thy heavenly grace, that she may be valiant for Thy truth upon earth, an ornament to her profession, and an honorable member of Thy Church ! Instead of her beloved father, whom, shortly after the first celebration of a Saviour's love in this year, Thou didst take to a nobler and richer banquet on high ; Thou hast, through the means of his paternal instruction, ministe- rial labours, and Thy solemn providences, raised up his child to call the Redeemer blessed. Thus are Thy people led to see Thy Church still lives 5 Thy work is perfect j Thou art the same in every age, for Thy mercy endureth for ever. Blessed be Thy holy name ! 61 DECEMBER 30th, 1816. O Lord, I am a wonder to myself, and unto many, but Thou art my strong refuge ! Thy mercy hath brought me to the close of another year ; a year ushered in with clouds, darkness, and tremendous judgments ; " Verily, Thy way is in the sea, and Thy footsteps in the mighty waters j" *' deep calleth unto deep at the noise of Thy water-spouts j Thy waves and Thy billows have gone over me." Like a tempest-tossed mariner on the boisterous ocean, winds driving devious, and nearly wrecked, I have stood ter- rified and aghast at the storm. Most powerful Jehovah, whose command stilleth the tumultuous element, saying to the foaming billows, and the thundering surge, " hitherto shalt thou come, and no further, here shall thy proud waves be stayed." Thou canst make my soul calm and serene as the silvery rippling current, when fanned by gentle zephyrs^ and the soft balmy breeze. 6^ I will praise Thee, O Lord my God • I will speak of the might of Thy terrible acts, and declare Thy greatness ! Thy mercy, also, shall be built up for ever, and Thy faithfulness established in the very heavens. " Happy is he that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God." In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord, He heard my cry, and strengthened me with strength in my soul. Ever blessed be His name; the bruised reed is not broken, but upheld by inviolable faithfulness, tender com- passion, and vigilant care. Eternal Spirit, descend and warm the affections of my heart ; touch my lips with fire from the celestial altar, and enable me, in more than mortal strains, to ascribe glory, honor, and power, unto the Lord my God, who hath caused the sharp conflicts of nature to yield to the command of duty, the requirements of reason, and the dictates of holy love ! Dear sacred Spirit, enable me, with more fidelity, to copy the matchless example of my Divine Master, who was made perfect through suffering, ever remembering that the testament, He jointly bequeathed to His fol* 63 lowers, is, *' tribulation in the world, but peace in Him." This dear anchor of my soul hath kept me from being greatly moved by the floods and whirlwinds of the passing year, and assuaged the turbulent passions amidst the wreck of dissolving nature, and the blasts of worldly expectations ! " Great and marvellous are Thy works, O Lord God of truths Thy ways, and Thy thoughts, are above mortal conception ; Thou dost according to Thy pleasure among the armies of heaven, and the inhabitants of the earth j none can say unto Thee, what doest Thou?" O my soul, with the deepest reverence and admiration, "assist eternal Providence, and justify the ways of God to man 3" for he liveth in truth, in judgment, and in righteousness. Yes, with undissembled penitence and heartfelt abasement, I will confess Thy judgments, O Lord, are right ; and though marked with un- usual severity, they have been fewer than my crimes, and lighter than my guilt 3 hadst Thou consumed me by the blasts of Thine hand, or 64 in knger have shut up Thy tender mercies from me ; made me the object of Thy direful indig- nation, and the subject of eternal horror and despair, I must have pronounced Thee just. Reviewing the Divine goodness through this mournful year, I am constrained to acknow- ledge *• I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies, and all the truth which Thou hast shewed to Thy servant." Almighty and ever- blessed God, grant that my future days may be entirely Thine : may the life spared and pre- served, be afresh dedicated to Thee ! Accept this feeble offering, and unto Thee will I ascribe might, majesty, dominion, and power, for ever and ever ! Amen. 65 JANUARY 12th, 1817. MY BELOVED HUSBAND SOFTLY FELL ASLEEP IN JESUS, ON JANUARY 12TH, 1816, AGED 50 YEARS AND SIX MONTHS. HE DID JUSTLY, LOVED MERCY, AND WALKED HUMBLY WITH HIS GOD. THE MEMORY OF THE JUST IS BLESSED. 66 FEBRUARY 16th, 1817. " Great All in All, Eternal King, Let me but view Thy lovely face ; And all my powers shall bow and sing, Thine endless grandeur and Thy grace." Infinite love and mercy shall be the theme of my delightful contemplation on this returning anniversary. Fifty summer suns, and wintry skies, have, with unremitting faithfulness, fulfilled their course since my mother's painful hour in- troduced me into this state of being. *'One generation passeth away, and another cometh j the fathers, where are they, and the prophets, do they live for ever?" No, their precious remains have long since mingled with the dust from whence they came, while their immortal spirits have been admitted into the august presence of their Creator and their God ; for, in my infant years, I heard a voice, saying. 67 " Blessed are the dead that die in the Lord j they rest from their labours, and their works do follow them." My Heavenly Father, I am bat a sojourner here below, a lonely fugitive, desolate, and afflicted. O remember me, guide me safely through the thorns and briars of my future path j be Thou my shelter ^from the stormy blast, and my eternal home. Life's evening tints are fast appearing and the dark shadows of night will soon close in this mortal scene. My soul, well examine thy condition, thy confidence, thy destiny 3 a delusion here would be most awfully dreadful 3 the hope of the hypocrite is as a spider's web, which will soon be swept away with the besom of destruction. By nature, I am alienated from my chief good j having a law in my members warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin and death. Sin cleaves to all I do, and often compels me to cry out, in the energetic language of an apostle, " O wretched creature that I am, who shall deliver me from the body of this death ? " 68 With him also will I " thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord." " O forbid that I should boast, Save in the death of Christ my God ; All the vain things that charm'd me most, 1 sacrifice them to His blood." The man of Nazareth, the despised Gahlean, is my confidence ; he who was a man of sor- rows and acquainted with grief, whose sym- pathetic benediction, when on earth, was, *' Blessed are ye that mourn now, for ye shall be comforted." " He, in the days of feeble flesh, Pour'd out His cries and tears j And in His measure feels afresh. What every member bears." Compassionate Saviour ! ** Let not all my hopes be vain ; Create my heart entirely new, Which hypocrites can ne'er attain, Which false apostates never knew." Give me to see what Thy grace hath wroughft in me, and to what it will eventually conduct mc. Take courage my soul, and look to Him 69 who hath said, '' Be steadfast and fear not ; light is sown for the righteous, and gladness for the upright in heart ; " and though it may not grow and flourish in this unkindly- soil, it will surely bloom with immortal verdure in the paradise of God on high ; " for he that goeth forth weeping, bearing precious seed, shall, doubtless, come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him." Awake ye, sing, ye that dwell in the dust ; thy dew is as the dew of herbs, and the earth shall cast out its dead. O for that sacred anointing that teacheth all things, that will purify the heart, rectify the judgment, chase the darkness of error and infidelity, and concentrate all the energies of my feoul in the sweetest harmonies of devotion, gratitude, and love ! BRIGHTON, MAY, 1817. O Thou Creator of all things, visible and invisible, Heaven, earth, the sea, and worlds unknown j let me enter upon the contemplation of the beautiful scenery I now behold with 70 overwhelming astonishment, admiration, and delight ! " Nature, with 0{)en volume stands. To spread her Maker's praise abroad ; And every labour of his hand, Shews something worthy of a God." The sea and the dry land, with all their varied productions, are alike the result of infinite skill, and Almighty energy ; Thy power is seen in the sheltered vale, the lone retreat, as well as on the lofty hill, the towering cliff, or in the proud foaming wave, that with angry roar breaks and dashes on its destined shore. While the animating charms of creation press on my mind, and enliven its most fervid imagination, let the subHme and inexhaustible theme of redemption mingle its rapturous joys, eliciting the emotions of the sacred Psalmist, when he said, " Lord what is man that Thou art mindful of him, or the son of man that Thou visitest him? Thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and crowned him with glory and honour.'' Alas ! vain, inconsiderate, infatuated man, how art thou fallen, thy glory tarnished, and thine honour levelled with the dust ! n Man was made upright, but he hath sought out many inventions ; depraved and con- taminated with sin, he is hke the troubled sea when it cannot rest, casting forth mire and dirt ; furious, turbulent, and impetuous, his fierce and guilty passions would engulf him in an ocean of endless wretchedness and despair, were it not for the surpassing wonders of infinite compassion and matchless love ! O my soul, in humble and grateful lays record the sweet accents of Jehovah to Israel of old, " Though a deceived heart hath turned him asi'ie, and he cannot deliver his own soul, Israel shall not be forgotten of Me.'' Lord, what is man that Thou should'st be mindful of him ? " Sing, O ye heavens, for the Lord hath done it ; shout, ye lower parts of the earth j break forth into singing ye mountains ; for the Lord hath redeemed Jacob, and glorified him- self in Israel." The works of nature, and the visible things that are made, proclaim the eternal power and Godhead ; but the blest volume of inspiration reveals the divine and glorious attributes and perfections of Deity more brightly to our view ; for though He is the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity and the praises thereof, and though the heaven of heavens cannot con- tain Him, yet will He condescend to dwell with the humble and the contrite heart, to revive the spirit of the humble and the heart of the contrite ones ; their most minute concerns are under His control ; He is the sympathizing friend and compassionate helper of ihe needy and destitute J He listens to the suppliant's cry, and the tear of the orphan and the sigh of the widov/ are not disregarded by him. O Lord God of Hosts, Thy dominion is universal ; heaven, earth, and air, and sea, are Thine, and the dark world of hell. Let creation with all its beauties, redemption in all its mystic wonders and glory, unite with the in- scrutable lines of a minute superintending Providence, to draw forth the most elevated and sublime emotions of my soul, that with heart attuned to melody I may join the general tribute of extacy, gratitude, and devotion ! Praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts j ye angels that do His pleasure ; praise Him sun and moon and stars of light ; praise Him ye undulating waves and mighty deep ; fire and hail, snow and vapour ; mountains, hills, ver- 73 dant fields, and fruitful trees : everything that hath breath, praise him. Praise the Lord, O my soul. " I'll praise my Maker with my breath, And when my voice is lost in death. Praise shall employ my nobler powers : My days of praise shall ne'er be past. While life, and thought, and being last. Or immortality endures." SEPTEMBER 7th, 1817. Isaiah, 40 c, 29 verse, " He giveth power to the faint, and to them that have no might He increaseth strength." My heavenly Father, in Thy tender compas- sion grant that this promise may be fulfilled in my experience this day. Enfeebled by sickness, and depressed with grief, to Thee I look ; for Thee I seek ; let Thy strength be perfected in my weakness, m the performances of the duties that lie before me 3 so that I may derive all needed comfort and enjoyment from divinely appointed institutions. May the mysterious decease accomplished at Jerusalem, be the theme of my sacred contem- plation, in all its tremendous solemnities, its cause, and its consequences. Sin, most hein- ous and aggravated ; my sins, and the sins of the redeemed, out of every nation, and kin- dred, and tongue, were its cause; and its con- sequences, pardon, reconciliation, and eternal blessedness to all true beUevers. In this awful event, the magnitude and enormity of transgres- sion, in the violation of the holy law of God, are most apparent -, and my utmost admiration and astonishment are called forth when I reflect on the intensity of that love which enwrapt the Majesty of heaven in human nature ; and, in that nature, agonized and died. Well might the sun in midday splendour veil its glories ; well might the earth quake with convulsive agitation j the rocks be rent ; and terrific darkness envelope the tragic scene ! O my soul, on Calvary's consecrated mount now take thy stand, and at the foot of thy Redeemer's cross prostrate thyself, a guilty, weak, and helpless worm ; and lie beneath its circling flood. Dear Jesus, I renounce all other hope, all other dependence or expectation, but 75 what is derived from Thy finished work ; and at Thy holy table this day commit my all into Thy hands j my mortal part, the frequent sub- ject of pain, and suffering ; beheving " Corruption, earth, and worms. Shall but refine this flesh, Till my triumphant spiint comes. To put it on afresh ;" and the nobler principle, the present inhabitant, of my clay tabernacle, my dearest Saviour, I yield to Thy control, who now sittest as a refiner and purifier of silver ! Make me what Thou wouldst have me to be, more holy and spiritually minded, that with more lively and ardent anticipations "I may wait the coming of my Lord J " for he that shall come, will come, and will not tarry. DECEMBER 31st, 1817. *' O thou who art the Holy One of Israel, and the Saviour thereof in time of trouble 3 unto Thee will I sing, and give thanks ; for that Thy name is great. Thy wondrous works declare." Thy loving kindness also is better than life. 76 therefore my lips shall praise Thee. O my heavenly Father, when I begin the theme, where shall the growing numbers end, the numbers of Thy grace ? The mercies and bounties of another fleeting year, are now mingled with an innumerable multitude of favors, that with rich liberality have preceded them ; and call forth my annual tribute of gratitude and love. My cruise of oil and barrel of meal are not yet exhausted, and the channel through which some of the tokens of Thy kindness have been conveyed, have enhanced the blessing. But alas ! my heart and tongue fail, mourning that their efforts are so unworthy, when employed in so sweet and divine a theme ! Dear sacred Spirit, chase the darkness that beclouds my mind, animate, with renewed energy, the feeble efforts of my soul, that my lengthened life may be afresh devoted to the service of my God ; that service which is my highest dignity, and my greatest delight. Time is fast flitting away, and the solemnities of eternity rapidly approaching. O that I may, in the coming year, be more earnestly con- cerned to improve the talents committed to my trust, so that, in the great decisive day, I may 77 give up my account with joy, and not with grief. Now let it be my continual solicitude, " while I live, to live unto the Lord ; that when I die, I may die unto the Lord ; so that whether living or dying, I may be the Lord's."' MAY 18th, 1818. " Continue in my love," said our blessed Immanuel to his favored disciples, when about to leave them in this world of sorrow and tribulation. " Continue in my love, that my joy may remain in you, and your joy may be full." Verily, in keeping the commandments of Jesus, there is a present reward, a solid, uninterrupted, perfect joy^ it is sin, the hideous monster sin, that introduces sorrow, darkness, and despair, into the mind of a believer ; and when under its influence, he is enervated, languid, and inactive, in the concerns of his best interests, and indifferent to the sacred cause he once most ardently espoused. Conscience, my friendly monitor, urges me, frankly and ingenuously, to record, with many 78 a sigh, and many a tear, my frequent deviations from the path of truth and rectitude, and from that holy law, which requires me to love the Lord ray God with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul, and with all my strength, and my neighbour as myself. -^ "With deep prostration of soul, I will now bewail my impotence, my wretchedness, and, degradation ; my violated vows, slighted privi- leges, low estimate of my high and holy calling, and a heavy accumulation of fresh contracted guilt; duties, personal, relative, and social, negligently performed, or totally omitted ; while black ingratitude, and insensibility to the merits and worth of my adorable Saviour, His en- dearing compassion, and indissoluble love, have marked the long measure of my wanderings, and filled my soul with shame and undissembled woe. Dear Jesus, melt my cold and rocky heart ! Revive Thy work in the midst of the years ; impress upon my mind the shortness of time and the importance of eternity. *' The Judge standeth at the door ; " and when death leaves 79 me, my destiny will be irrevocably fixed : arouse me from this fatal lethargy ! " What have I done for Him, that died To save my wretched soul ? How are my follies multiplied, ^ Fast as my minutes roll !," Visit me, O sacred Spirit ; waft Thy gentle zephyrs to fan the dying embers of celestial love into a bright and glowing flame ; imparting light, life, and vigour, into the inmost recesses of my soul ; drawing forth all its active powers to universal obedience, and declaring, by a holy fruitfulness in good works, the sincerity of my obedience, and the constancy of my love ! Inspire me with love to God as my sovereign happiness. " God is love -, and he that loveth, is born of God ; " love constitutes the bliss of heaven. ** 'Tis this shall make our cheerful feet. In swift obedience move ; 'Tis this shall strike our joyful strings, In the sweet realms of love." The unceasing songs of the redeemed for ever vibrate in harmonious strains of love and delight. " There shall be no night there, nor 80 light of the natural sun, nor artificial light ; for the Lord God, whom they love, will give them light, and they shall reign with Him for ever and ever." ■ " God is light, and God is love." MAY 31st, 1818. The meditations of this sacred day have been directed by my highly esteemed pastor, to the mutability of all created good, and the immu- tability of the ever blessed Jehovah, drawn from Isaiah 54 c, 10 v. : "The mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed : but My kindness shall not depart from Thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord, that hath mercy on thee." Well ! nature must decay. " Dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return," is the sen- tence passed upon all the posterity of Adam, and the penalty due to his first transgression. Every day brings with it mournful proof of its reality, both in ourselves, and the circle in which we move, as well as in the world at large. 81 Hurricanes, earthquakes, pestilence, and war, sweep away multitudes of our fellow creatures as with a torrent; while slow, diseases fre- quently blight the youthful blossom, and the pride of manhood is prematurely snatched from our view» Death levels all distinctions ; high and low, rich and poor, are alike the objects of his pur- suit. No place can screen from his attack, nor ward off his direful darts ; even the sanctuary of God, and the sacred house of prayer, is no security from his approach. No ; there the friend of my bosom received the solemn sum- mons, and, ere one fleeting hour had fled, meekly obeyed the irrevocable decree ! Thus my mountain of earthly happiness, on which I too securely rested, and in which I too much delighted — infinite, inscrutable wisdom saw fit to remove : but the covenant of his peace hath not been removed, neither hath He taken His loving-kindness from me. He has irradiated my gloomy days, cheered my seclu- sion and obscurity, and enriched me with sweeter delights, than the present life, with all its proud distinctions, noblest elevations, and 82 inost valuable possessions, could have afforded me ! Yes, my heavenly Father, " To sit one day beneath tli'ne eye, And hear Thy gracious voice, Exceeds a whole eternity, Employed in carnal joys." When an angel from heaven shall descend in terrific splendour, and stand upon the sea and upon the earth, and lift his hand, and swear that time shall be no longer ; great Jehovah, thou wilt remain the same, thy years have no end. Thou art the Father of eternal ages» the Ancient of Days, without beginning and without end, immutably the same ; from ever- lasting to everlasting, Thou art God ! Who by searching can find Thee out ? Thee, the Al- mighty, unto perfection ? Thy veiled glories dazzle and confound my feeble faculties, and the most intelligent, re- fined, and acute research, must be lost in the wide, mysterious, unfathomable abyss of un- created Deity. The vast universe, O Lord, is Thine, and Thy magnificence is apparent in the beautiful scenery with which it is adorned " Seasons and times, and moons and hours, " Heaven, earth, and air are thine ; " 83 and when these shall have passed away in the general conflagration, and the new world that grace hath made blooming in immortal verdure, and decked with unwithering flowers, bursts on the ransomed throng j then, the harmony of the divine attributes in redemption, the equity of Thy government, and the many intricacies of Thy providence, will be unfolded to ad- miring multitudes, redeemed by the precious blood of the Lamb, out of every nation, kin- dred, and tongue ; and they shall see Thy glory ! To him that overcometh wilt thou give to eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God, and they shall go no more out for ever. O blissful inheritance ! Jerusalem wilt thou create a rejoicing, and her people a joy. Glorious things are spoken of thee, O city of God ! NOVEMBER 1st, 1818. "There is joy in heaven over one sinner that repenteth," and joy on earth, in the maternal heart, to behold a beloved son, with weeping, 84 contrition, and penitence, accepting the offers of divine mercy 5 giving himself to God in a perpetual covenant, and publicly sealing His engagement to be the Lord's. O matchless favour ! this is my joyful experience this day. Raise your melodious sounds ye angehc choir, and loudly proclaim the mystic wonder of re-^ deeming love, boundless love, that has at length brought Thy wanderer in j caused him to listen to the cry, " Who is on the Lord's side?" and enabled him to make the happy choice. Great Jehovah, thou art the Lord God, mer- ciful and gracious, long suffering, abundant in goodness and truth ; Thou hast not turned my poor petitions from Thee, but been very graci- ous at the voice of my cry. " I have waited for Thy salvation, O Lord, and Thou hast manifested Thy ancient declaration j though Thou hidest Thyself, Thou art the God of Israel, and their Saviour." "O could my thankful heart devise, A tribute equal to Thy praise ; To the third heaven my joys should rise, And teach the golden harps Thy praise." 85 Dear Jesus^ I commend this youthful disciple to Thy care, qualify him for usefulness in Thy service, loosen his stammering tongue, and grant that he may pray in the spirit, and with the understanding also. May he possess a holy fortitude of soul, mingled with ingenuous fear, deep humihty and ardent zeal 3 working out his salvation with fear and trembUng, while Thou art working in him to will and to do of Thy good pleasure. Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are lovely and of good re- port, may he think on these things ; not seeking applause of men, but acceptance with God, and the testimony of a good conscience ; that, in simplicity and godly sincerity, he may have his conversation in the world ! My heavenly Father, no greater joy can Thy widowed handmaid experience, through the following days of her pilgrimage, than to see her children walking in the truth. Five are not ! They were early transplanted to a fairer clime, and now with their beloved Father^ through the precious blood of the Lamb, are numbered with the redeemed on high. May the seven that yet remain in this land of so- 86 journ, perplexity, and grief, be followers of a goodly number of dear relatives and friends, who, through faith and patience, are now inhe- riting the promises ! When here below, they wrestled hard with sins, and doubts, and fears, while the Captain of their Salvation led them on to conquest and a crown ; let us, therefore, be of good cheer j Satan is a chained foe, and death a vanquished enemyj shortly we shall be redeemed from the power of the grave, and death shall be swallowed up in perpetual victory ! There is nothing that can separate Christ and a believer. He that beginneth a good work in our souls, will carry it on till the day of Christ Jesus ; verily, whosoever believeth in Him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life 5 and if we beheve, that Jesus died and rose again j them that sleep in Jesus, will He bring with Him, introducing them to that happy state, where separation and farewell are known no more. «7 DECEMBER 31st, 1818. To take a review of the dispensations of the Almighty, and indehbly record the more par- ticular events of Divine Providence, is both reasonable and profitable, as well as most delightful and honorable, to the real Christian. Another closing year demands from me retro- spection, gratitude, ani filial love. Dear sacred Spirit ! help me to enter upon this momentous duty conscientiously, with deep humility, and genuine contrition; let a survey of my sins first occupy my regard, that so much the more my mercies may be enhanced, and a sense of my obligations take a deeper root in my soul. O lamentable consideration ! mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up — '- they are more than the hairs of my head, therefore my heart faileth me." Where can I begin the mournful detail ? The sins of a day, a month, a year, baffle my re- search ; how much, then, the long accumulation of guilt through my whole life ! — a life of more than half a century—a life marked by early 83 culture, seasonable correction^ and unremitting care. " O Lord, who can understand his errors ? Cleanse thou me from secret faults j keep back Thy servant also from presumptuous sins, let them not have dominion over me !" Encouraged by the declarations of holy writ, and the testimony of past experience, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord — He will forgive the iniquity of my sin. Blessed be His most holy name ; where sin has abounded, grace has much more abounded. The rich fountain of grace and mercy, for the pardon of sin, and salvation by the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, is for ever flowing, and is the dear pledge and earnest of complete salvation in the heavenly world, ** Grace will complete what grace begins, To save from sorrows and from sins ; The work that wisdom undertakes, Eternal mercy ne'er forsakes." At this season, personal and relative favours claim a tributary remembrance. In the past year, the rod of correction long hovered over some of us, and threatened to dissolve the family compact j now we sing of mercy, as 89 well as of judgment ; unto Thee, O Lord, will we sing, and give thanks. " I was brought low, and my Heavenly Father helped me." Arrested by disease when absent from home, nervous and irritable, sleep departed from me — restless, and tossing to and fro in the night watches with feverish agitation, acute pain, and sad disquietude ! — in the multitude of my thoughts within me. Thy comforts were the delight of my soul. Many, O Lord my God, are Thy wonderful works which Thou hast done, and Thy thoughts, which are to usward ; they cannot be reckoned in order unto Thee 3 if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered. Thou didst speak the healing word J and renovated health and peace re- sumed their gladsome sway, and now pervade our various dwellings. Thou hast crowned this year with Thy goodness ; and can I doubt Thy future care ? O my Heavenly Father, graciously forbid it j still my unbelieving fears, and quiet my agitated bosom 3 bereft of my earthly solace, my counsellor, my companion, and my friend^ give me faith to trust in Thee ; faith to commit the management of all my worldly concerns en- 90 tirely unto Thee. Thy wisdom. Thy power, and goodness are infinite ; lead me in a plain path because of my enemies, and suffer me not to limit Thee, the Holy One of Israel ; or be of a doubtful, unbelieving mind. I am weak and inefficient ; be Thou ray helper. Confiding in Thy compassionate invitation, I leave my father- less children with Thee. Yes, T will trust in Thee ; Jehovah- Jirah is Thy memorial through- out all generations. The Lord will provide. " Unshaken as the sacred hill. And firm as mountains be ; Firm as a rock tie soul shall rest. That leans, O Lord, on Thee." The immutability of Jehovah is my strong confidence J His covenant standeth fast for ever ; creature dependance ends in failure and disappointment ; earthly friendships are often fickle and inconstant j and, in many of our exigencies, "vain is the help of man." The lenient balm of sympathy may soothe our sorrows, but cannot remove them, *' What should I wish or wait for, then, From creatures, earth, and dust ? They make our expectations vain. And disappoint our trust.'* 91 Upon the present review of my mercies, both spiritual and temporal, what manner of person ought I to be in all holy conversation and god- liness ? Eternal Jehovah, King of Nations, and King of Saints, grant unto me a special communication of heavenly grace, that I may henceforth live answerably to my religious pro- fession, and the obligations which Christianity, in its privileges, its prospects, and rewards, most weightily presses upon me ! After the example of my Divine Master, may it be my meat and drink to do the will of God, " while less than nothing I can boast, and vanity confess." Henceforth may I daily make new progress in holiness, and, with patience and serenity, meet the sufferings and afflictions appointed unto me in this probationary state, strengthened with might according to His glorious power, unto all patience, and long- suffering with joyfulness. I desire to rely entirely and unreservedly on the merits and mediation of my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, for complete salvation j He, I trust, has redeemed my soul from ever- lasting destruction, and purchased for me, with His most precious and invaluable blood, an 92 Inheritance among the saints in light, incor- ruptible, undefiled, and that fadeth not away 3 a rich-reserved possession. O blissful hope! a hope full of immortality ! may it purify me from sin, and animate me with renewed ardour in my heavenly race ! Now is my salvation nearer than when I believed j and, should the new year be my last here on earth, may I be found waiting the coming of my Lord, trusting to Him for dying strength in dying moments, and for a glorious victory over sin, Satan, death, and the grave ! " Loud hallelujahs sing, my soul. To thy Redeemer's name ; In joy and sorrow, life and death. His love is still the same." JULY, 1819. It has been said, " Whosoever will observe Providence, shall never want a Providence to observe." Surely it is a truth in which I shall do well to acquiesce, and bear my feeble testi- mony. I have been preserved, during a long 93 absence from my accustomed dwelling j have safely journeyed hither and thither, without accident or alarm ; enjoying the fertile land- scape, and the diversified works of nature, with a grateful zest 3 together with a renewed view of the majestic ocean, indescribable in grandeur and wonder, affording a sweet repast of pleasur- able contemplation, admiration, and delight ! Remote from the busy j^hum of fashion, business, dissipation, and gaiety — in secret silence of the mind, I looked through nature's works to nature's God 3 to Him who stretched out the heavens, and laid the foundations of the earth 3 and who, in the morning of the creation, pronounced the labour of His hands to be very good ! This God is the God I adore, my faithful, unchangeable friend, whose surpassing works of redemption call forth my loudest songs of sacred rapture and devotional praise j for ■without the glittering rays of the bright and morning Star, and the genial, fructifying in- fluences of the Sun of Righteousness in my soul, nature in all its fairest array would be a blanks its flowery beauties would exhale no sweets, nor regale my senses with any real joy. 94 Yes, nature may lead me through many a luxuriant path, to its original Framer ; but who can stand before Him, who is a consuming fire, and who taketh vengeance on His adversaries ? By nature we are all children of wrath, liable to punishment, guilty and imdone ; for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God! O my soul, adore the infinite compassion of Jehovah, who has provided a new and living way of access to Him. O listen to the decla- ration of Him who was the brightness of the Father's glory, and who himself brought life and immortality to light — hear Him saying, " I am the way, the truth, and the life ; "* ''whosoever cometh unto Me, I will in no wise cast out j" verily. He quickeneth whom He will 5 for He was slain, and hath redeemed us to God by His blood. '* He will feed His flock like a shepherd, and gather the lambs in His arms, and carry them in His bosom j He will appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness." O my soul, again and again set to thy seal tliat God is true, and transmit to those who 95 come after thee, the deep mysteries of His love. Through the riches of sovereign grace, I have another dear child added to the number of the redeemed. **** now sings and tells the wonders of that love, that plucked him as a brand from the everlasting burning, disciplined him in the school of affliction, made his heart tender and impressible, and at length admitted him into the fold of Jesus. Dear happy spirit ! once the companion of my mortal toil, now that you traverse the verdant plains of Canaan's blissful shore ; say, can you listen to the glowing effusions of my heart, or mingle your hosannas with my lowly lay ? O ! tune your immortal lyre, and with the angelic throng, shout with sacred joy, *' This my son was dead, and is alive again ; he was lost and is found." " Grace all the work sliall crown. Through everlasting days ; It lays in Heav'n the topmost stone, And well deserves the praise." 9Q DECEMBER 31st, 1819. And shall this year close ? a year of mercy and long-suffering goodness, without a thankful memorial to the author of my being, my supporter, and my hope ? O, no ! although harassed, perplexed, and pressed by extraor- dinary occurrences, my heart would indite a lasting acknowledgment of the numberless blessings which have hitherto crowned my fleeting days. This neighbourhood has been visited with awful and heavy judgments ; and fierce diseases, malignant and terrific, have hurried a great many of my fellow creatures into the silent tomb. Now my heart, shrink not from a close scrutiny within, though self-condemnation must be the inevitable result. I have come short of the glory of God. I have frequently, both in retirement, and in the public assembly, bowed to the Majesty of heaven, with lifeless service, irreverence, and indifference. Satan, the great adversary of my soul, has thrust 97 sore at me, that I might Fall ; and his fiery darts, and dreadful machinations, have filled my mind with horror and dismay. Yet, though faint, I am pursuing ; for Jesus lives, and the Captain of my salvation leads me on to conquest and a crown ; his purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour ; for the fluctuation of religious feeling, and the changes of this mortal state must be calculated among the all things that shall work together for my good — my present sanctification, and meetness for a better world. My heavenly Father, I commit my future destiny to Thee, so that I may, when life shall close, be found of Thee in peace — in my expiring hour glorify Thee, and with my last faltering accents declare Thy faithfulness and truth. Then, most holy Lord God, Almighty Father, Son, and sacred Spirit, receive my immortal part to Thine everlasting embrace ! To that sublime distinction may I more ardently aspire J aim after holiness with more constancy and delight ; and obtain an assured persuasion that I am advancing in the divine life, pressing on to God with more steady per- severance, and resolving, through the riches of 98 divine ' grace, to serve him more fully and devotedly to the end of my days. New scenes in Providence await me, and before another year closes, in all probabihty I shall quit this habitation, this neighbourhood, and many endeared intimacies I have enjoyed during my residence here. " Guide me, O thou great Jehovah ; pilgrim through this barren land " — a widowed pilgrim, seeking a better country, and a fairer clime ! Let the pillar of cloud by day, and of fire by night, accompany me all my journey through ! I commit myself to Thee, the friend of the friendless, the father of the fatherless, the husband of the widow, and her helper in the day of desolation and distress. ST. THOMAS'S PLACE, HACKNEY. Serious and holy meditation become the Christian in every place ; and true piety will ever find a sacred delight in retracing the past occurrences of Divine Providence, and those interpositions in our favour which we deemed essential to our happiness and enjoyment. 99 I am now fixed, where the dictates of my heart often led me to wish to be, near my beloved children, in a small, neat, retired dweUing j furnished with every comfort, and as much adorned as my highest ambition would desire ; and though I cannot boast of affluence, or a full tide of earthly good, to the praise of Almighty wisdom, preservation and mercy, I have not yet lacked any real good ; and I trust, by a circumspect management of my little all, my income will meet the claims I have to make upon it. It is my sweetest consolation, to believe my Heavenly Father himself pitched me this tent to dwell in, or so directed its selection, as to make it appear His own work. For the walls of our habitation are continually before Thee, O God ; and O ! amazing com- passion and unfathomable love, Thou wilt not only look upon Thy people, but ever condescend to dwell where they dwell ! Dear Sacred Spirit ! aid the feeble efforts of my soul to present to my bountiful Benefactor and never-failing Friend, a thank- ofifering of gratitude and praise ; may such undeserved kindness influence my future conduct, and produce the best practical results, even an 100 unreserved surrender of my heart and my all to that Almighty Being, "Whose I am, and Whom I am bound to serve j " continually bearing in mind, that here, there is no con- tinuing city, no abiding here-, life is a journey, and heaven is my eternal home. O let not present things engage my attention, so as to- forget that another dwelling is prepared for me — an abode, dreary and dark, and cold — where I shall say to corruption, my father ! and ta the worm, my sister and my mother ! when all earthly ties will be dissolved, and the place that now knows me, will know me no more for ever ! O my soul, what wilt thou do in the swellings of Jordan ? Where is thy anchor amidst the swelling billows, and its boisterous deeps ? What wilt thou do when shivering on its chilly brink, and the cold dewy damps of death envelope thy mortal frame ? O ! check not the solemn anticipation j make the dread scene familiar, and desire not only to be ready to depart hence, but, with a longing solicitude, to be freed from the shackles of mortality, and to exchange a perishing life for that which is eternal. 101 O my soul, bid thy gloomy fears adieu j bid irabelief begone ; for Jesus will be thy pilot to guide thee through the stormy and the bright and morning star will illuminate death's dreaded shade ! He will impart faith, to triumph over the tomb, and all its frightful power ; and enable thee to say, •' I know that my Redeemer livethj and though, after my skin, worms destroy this body, yet, in my flesh, I shall see God : " He will redeem my soul from the power of the grave ; having loved me once, He will love unto the end j and, I trust, through the riches of His grace, will grant unto me an abundant entrance into His blissful presence ! May this new habitation be consecrated to God 3 upon it may the dews of Heaven copiously descend, to animate our social devotions, and secret contemplations ! O Lord, command a blessing, even life for evermore ! AUGUST 20th, 1820. Sweet day of rest, I hail thy glad return ! May I enter upon its sacred services with earnest supplications, to the Lord of the Sab- 102 bath, for a plenteous descent of heavenly blessings to enlarge my waiting spirit, and invigorate the aspirations of my soul ! Like the beloved exiled disciple, " May I be in the spirit on the Lord's day j '* a day solemnly consecrated to the memory of my dear Re- deemer, and highly honored and blessed by Him to believing multitudes, ever since His triumphant ascension to His kingdom of glory. On this sacred day, I will go unto the altar of God, unto God my exceeding joy ; with melody of heart will I praise Thee, O God, my God ! The Church on earth, and the Church on high, to-day will unite in one harmonious song, *' Unto Him that loved us, and washed us from our sins, to Him be glory and dominion, for ever and ever. Amen." "Without remission of sin, through the great atoning sacrifice, the Lamb of God, where can the ungodly and sinner appear ? In heaven they meet a justly incensed Deity, and without the interposition of sovereign grace in this life, must for ever in hell experience his dreadful wrath and displeasure. O wondrous love ! why dear Saviour, why was / made to hear Thy voice, while thousands 103 slight Thy gracious overtures, and make a dif- ferent choice ? preferring the pleasures, the honours, and emoluments of the present state, to the unbounded felicities of pure religion, and the sublime realities of a future world. O for more love, and zeal, and animation in Thy service ; a nearer resemblance to those blessed spirits above, who serve Thee with unwearied dehght and never-ceasing praise ! Tired with sin and self, and exhausted with the spiritual conflict, I look to *' the rest that remaineth for the people of God ;" and greet the return of this day as the fair harbinger of an eternal sabbath with the ransomed on high. I pant for immortality, for the joys of the redeemed, an emancipation from sin, inextin- guishable love, fervent devotion, and celestial purity. *' When shall the day, dear Lord, appear, Tbat I shall mount to dwell above. And stand, and bow, amongst them there. And view thy face, and sing, and love?" Yet will I leave the termination of my mortal career to infinite wisdom and eternal love ; only 104 let me not be like the barren fig-tree, fruitless and unprofitable, a cumberer of the ground ! Most Holy Spirit, enable me by Thy potent influences to do something in the service of my Lord and Master, and bring some revenue of praise to His glory ; may my life be hid v^^ith Christ in God, that when He shall appear I may appear with Him in glory. Genuine Christianity is a secret ; dark, indeed, to the un- enlightened eye, melancholy and imperceptible to the worldling, the votaries of pleasure, and the carnal heart ; they form a wrong estimate of its value and satisfaction, and choose rather the present gratifications of sense, the vanities of a day, to the self-denying duties of virtue and religion. Not so the follower of Jesus ; al- though he does not experience an uninter- rupted tranquilhty, being in an enemy's country, where thorns, and briers, and weeds, spring up to retard his speedy progress in bis heavenly course ; yet sweet pleasures mingle with his pains, and he would not relinquish his hopes, his prospects, and pursuits for all the earth calls good or great j he deems no sacri- fice too great, no labour too sfrenuous, no suffering too severe ; so that he may find the 105 pearl of great price, may win Christ, and be found in him. " Immortal light and joys unknown. Are for the saints in darkness sown ; Those glorious seeds shall spring and rise. And the bright harvest bless our eyes." Then oh ! my soul, wait all the days of thine appointed time, cheerfully wait, till thy change come 3 thine adorable Redeemer hath reconciled thee to God, destroyed Satan, conquered death, and prepared a glorious sanctuary of life and blessedness for thee above. And when the fashion of this world is passed away, and the guilty folly of the impenitent, the licentious, and the gay, will be to them a worm that dieth not, and a fire that is never quenched ; thou wilt possess an inheritance with the saints in light ; their employment will be your's, their felicities will be your's, their adoration and hallelujahs your's ; for ever, and for ever ! Amen. DECEMBER 31st, 1820. Fugitive year, farewell 5 your pleasures, your enterprises, and perplexities are all terminated. 106 The blooming beauties of spring, the rich spreading fohage of summer, and the luscious repasts of autumn, have yielded to the keen piercing blasts of winter j and in their quick succession fulfilled the ancient declaration, *' seed-time and harvest, summer and winter, cold and heat shall not cease." O Lord, Thy works are great, sought out of all them that have pleasure therein ! This earth, the starry heavens, the glorious orb of day, the silvery moon, the mighty deep — all, all manifest that the hand that formed them is divine 3 while every rolling year is a renewed testimony of the veracity of the Almighty, and a fresh excite- ment to confide in His power and goodness ! The song of Israel on the echoing banks of the Red Sea, will not be unsuitable at the present season. ** The Lord is my strength. He is my salvation, He is my God, I will pre- pare Him an habitation -, my father's God, I will exalt Him ;" indeed, every closing year is a fit season to enumerate my mercies and deliverances, both temporal and spiritual ; and to present a tributary theme to the author of my welfare, and the constant supplier of my numerous wants and necessities. 107 O, my heavenly Father, had Thy paternal compassions been suspended during the past year, only for the shortest period, oft-time I must have sunk in wretchedness, misery, and woe. I will, therefore, praise Thee, for the continuance of natural life, with all its comforts and endearments; for the air I breathe, the faculties I possess, the food I eat, the raiment I put on, the dwelhng I inhabit, and the society I enjoy ; all come from Thee ! Thou art the source of every blessing, and the inexhaustible fountain of my sweetest satisfac- tions. Yet while I praise Thee, O my God, for these inferior things, I would more especially supplicate Divine assistance to enable me to present a sacred offering of gratitude for the maintenance of spiritual life in my soul ; " this Cometh also from the Lord of Hosts, who is mighty in counsel, and wonderful in his dealings with the children of men ! " Notwithstanding my accumulated provo- cations during the past year, yet the bread of Heaven, the water of life, the robe of righteous- ness, the garments of salvation, the privileges and immunities of Mount Zion, the communion 108 of saints, with the forgiveness of sins, through the Lord Jesus, my Redeemer, I humbly trust have been vouchsafed unto me. That these hopes may not be vain and delusive, the result of an erroneous imagination, or self-love, the deceitfulness of sin, and the subtlety of the great adversary of my soul, dear sacred Spirit, aid me in a close impartial investigation of this momentous subject ! let it be made self-evident and conclusive that I am a sincere, obedient, humble follower of the Lamb -, an epistle of Christ, known and read of all men, adorning the Gospel I profess by a holy life, by meekness, by long-suffering, by patience, and all the retiring virtues and graces of Christianity ; for experimental rehgion, with- out any practical results, is vain : " shew me thy faith by thy works," is its fundamental principle, established by the dear Redeemer himself, when he said, " if any man love me let him keep my commandments." Dear Saviour, grant me a just estimate of myself and of my character in Thy sight. I now supplicate Thy scrutiny. ** O Lord, search me and try me, and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way 109 everlasting 3" and should the school of affliction await me, let me not shudder at the discipline of Thy rod, or " faint when rebuked of Thee." When the gathering cloud of adversity spreads its dark and gloomy shade around me, O, reconcile me to the severest dispensations of Thy Providence, by fresh discoveries of Thine adorable character and the tenderest inti- mations of Thy love : dear Saviour say, " My loving-kindness I will not take from thee, nor suffer My faithfulness to fail — I will never leave thee, no, never forsake thee." In every new distress I will cry unto God, unto God who performeth all things for me. ** I'll think again of all Thy way a And talk Thy wonders o'er. Thy wonders of recovering grace. When flesh could hope no more." My heavenly Father, the residue of my days I leave with Thee : bestow or withhold what- ever will most conduce to Thy glory, and the best interests of my immortal soul. O banish far from me all inordinate heart-rending care about the things of this life -, yes, " do with me 110 as seemeth g;ood in Thy sight." The dream of life will soon be over, and a boundless eternity- ensue ; the great day of the Lord is at hand, and the tremendous summons, ** Come to judgment, come to judgment," will shortly break on my astonished ear. '' Throned on a cloud our God shall come. Bright flames prepare His way ; Thunder and darkness, fire and storm. Lead on the dreadful day." " The earth and sea, will then give up their dead, and both small and great " stand before their august Judge. Jesus himself will de- scend from the highest Heavens in His Father's glory, in His own glory, and in the glory of adoring angels : He will take to Himself His beloved people to behold His triumphant vic- tories, and the splendid achievements of His cross. O Christian ! exult in thy glorious prospects, and in thy free, unmerited reward j the conqueror's song will soon be thine ; " for He that is Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end ;" He that gave thee to thirst after the water of life, and to hunger after the Ill bread of life, will soon lead thee to ''fountains of living water, clear as crystal, proceeding from the throne of God and the Lamb :" a celestial envoy will conduct thee through the gates of the New Jerusalem, to eat of the fruit of the tree of life, to go no more out for ever. " O glorious hour ! O blest abode ! I shall be near, and like ray God ; And flesh, and sin, no more control. The sacred pleasures of my soul." FEBRUARY 16th, 1822, I am fifty -five years of age this day. O may suitable feelings and reflections engage my mind in the consideration of time that is past, and in the solemn event that awaits me in futurity. O my heavenly Father, how often hast Thou bound me with Thy love, and laid me under obligations the most imposing j but how have I discharged them ? Alas ! alas ! shame and confusion ought to overwhelm me, and mine aggravated offences be followed by a most serious, humble, penitent, and contrite 11^2 spirit. My trespasses testify against me, and were they to appear in their full magnitude and malignancy, fearfulness and trembling would rest upon me. Blessed be the rock of my salvation, while I sincerely mourn over the numberless sins of my days, and years that are fled, with all that has been vain, and trifling, and unprofitable in them j I would adore the patience, and for- bearance, and loving-kindness, of my heavenly Father, that have followed me hitherto. Dear Saviour, make me more fully Thine ! may the best purposes of my heart be devoted to Thee 1 O cheer life's evening shade with Thine all- animating presence, and endue me with a rich supply of heavenly grace, to combat with all my spiritual adversaries, the world, with all its subtleties, and the corruptions which still rise and reign within. O Lord " save, or I perish." ' ' A weak, a guilty, helpless worm. On Thy kind arms I fall ; Be Thou my strength and righteousness. My Jesus and my all." DECEMBER 31st, 1822. Time rolls on with steady course 3 day suc- ceeds day, month succeeds month, and year follov/s year, with amazing rapidity. " O Lord, make me to know mine end, and the measure of my days, what it is, that I may learn how frail I am. Let the serious consideration of the transitory nature of all created good, the vanity of human life, and the insecurity of its richest enjoyments, be salutary and useful. *' May I rejoice as though I rejoiced not, and weep as though I wept not, seeing the fashion of this world passeth away." Yes, " The busy tribes of flesh and blood. With all their lives and cares, Are carried downward by the flood. And lost in following years/' O for a powerful awakening of the Divine Spirit, to enable me now to improve the solemn events of Providence, properly to view the 114 chastisements of my Heavenly Father, with all that has been merciful, compassionate, and kind, in His dealings towards me through another year. O my God, were I to count Thy mercies o'er, not all the sands that spread the shore, to equal numbers rise. O no ! the enumeration exceeds the boundary of time j and eternity itself will not exhaust my grateful calculation ! While the warm effusions of my heart labour for expression, help me, dear Sacred Spirit, to recount, with unfeigned sincerity and lively ardour, the personal and relative blessings with which I have been favoured. Death has not made us his prey, though sickness and disease terrified and alarmed 3 we may sing, with our beautiful poet, " The gates of the devouring grave. Are open'd wide ia vain, If He that holds the keys of death. Command them fast again.'* O Thou " that hast stayed Thy rough wind, in the day of Thy east wind," still exert Thy healing power, strengthen Thine handmaid on 115 the bed of languishing, and bring her out of her affliction, as gold seven times purified : nevertheless, let the language of her dear husband, and all concerned, be, " Not my will, O Lord, but Thine be done," Ever blessed Jehovah, I beseech Thee to show me Thy glory, and grant me Thy presence, in all the future trials and difficulties I may have to pass through. Thy presence will soften the rugged path of adversity, and give to pros- perity its sweetest zest j Thy loving-kindness is better than life, therefore my lips shall praise Thee. Amidst the daily ravages of death around me, I have frequently to notice the removal of some friend or acquaintance to their long home, to the house appointed for all living. The past week terminated the mortal career of a valuable member of society, Mr. — , of , who, in early life, was the inti- mate and highly-esteemed friend of my beloved husband ; " they took sweet counsel together, and walked to the house of God in company.' ' Happy thought ! the friendship formed on earth, 116 agreeable to the Divine will, and cemented by the pure principles of Christianity, death can- not dissolve ; it has suspended their intercourse after a few revolving years 3 but now it is renewed in Immanuel's land, and the triumphs of their victorious Redeemer will be their united song through the succeeding ages of eternity ! O my soul ! let gratitude, heart-flowing gratitude, now close thy annual theme. " Good- ness and mercy have followed me from life's early dawn to the present moment, and the ardent breathing of my soul is to Thee, O Lord my God." While I live, may I praise Thee -, in death, proclaim Thy faithfulness and truth ; and through eternity, unite with the ransomed multitude, in ascribing, *^ Blessing and honour, and glory and power, be unto Him who sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb^ for ever and ever !" 117 SEPTEMBER 7th, 1823. Sabbath Morning. '* Unite, my roving thoughts, unite, In silence soft and sweet ; And thou, my soul, sit gently down, At thy great Sovereign's feet." Thus, while deprived of the privileges and en- joyments of public ordinances, I would seek the refreshing beams of the Divine Spirit, to cheer the gloom of solitude, chase the depres- sion of langour and disease, and render salutary and profitable the retired devotions of this sacred day. O Lord God Almighty ! heaven is Thy throne, the earth is Thy footstool ; Thou art not confined to temples made with hands, but wilt hearken to the humble petition of the feeble and disquieted, whilst suffering under the pangs of disease, or numbering the lonely and darksome hours as they slowly pass away in the chamber of sickness. " How kind are Thy compassions. Lord ; How great Thy grace to me j My life, which Thou hast made Thy care. Lord. I devote to Thee." Although I have been chastened with pain 118 and sadness, I have not been given over unto death. O may this fresh lesson of my frailty and mortahty, be sanctified to the best purposes of my soul ! My Heavenly Father, let Thy judgments help me, may they speed me in my Christian course, and quicken me to a more vigorous pursuit of those attainments, which will render me more meet for association with the happy and blessed spirits above ! " Once they were mourning here below. And wet their couch with tears ; They wrestled hard, as we do now. With sins, and doubts, and fears." They obtained their victory through their Almighty Saviour, and ascribe their triumphs to his death. Dear Jesus, take me for thine own; O arm me, for the last great conflict, and " when heart and flesh fail, be thou the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." " O for an overcoming faith. To cheer my dying hour ; To triumph o'er the monster death, With all his frightful power. Joyful with all the strength I have, My quivering lips shall sing ; Where is thy boasted victory, Grave ? And where the monster's sting ? " Jid DECEMBER 31st, 1823. " Long as I live, I'll bless thy name, My King, my God of love," and on this day, I will endeavour more especially to praise Thee, for Thy supporting and protect- ing care, through another year of my mortal being. Thy providence is kind and large, and to abide under the shadow of Thy wings is un- speakable delight. O may the deepest hu- mility, seriousness, and reverence, accompany the sentiments of my heart, and the expres- sion of my lips, in the important exercise I am about to engage in. " Thou God seest me, and art acquainted with my thoughts afar off." O direct me by the penetrating influences of the Divine Spirit, to ascertain my true character in Thy sight, for were I for a moment to contrast Thy goodness, ever blessed Jehovah, with my own unworthiness and just demerit, guilt the most appalling would rest upon me. The sins of my heart, lips, and life, prevail against me j and my sincere and earnest suppli- 120 cation, at the close of another year, must be, " God be merciful to me a sinner." Animating thought ! this plea is ever prevalent through the atoning sacrifice and intercession of my dear Redeemer : his blood cleanseth from all sin, whilst a broken and contrite heart is ever acceptable to God through him ! May I more and more prize and value the revelation of His mind and will, in the gospel of truth j '' He can be just, and yet the justifier of him who believeth in Jesus -" a poor sinner can be rescued from thraldom, delivered from captivity, received graciously^ and loved freely, without money and without price ! *' O to grace how great a debtor. Daily I'm constrain' d to be ; O may Thy grace, Lord, like a fetter^ Bind my wand' ring heart to Thee." Blessed Saviour, a hope of pardon is not all I want : my fervent desire is, to be more holy, continually advancing in conformity to the divine image. Time with me is rapidly passing away : death and eternity are fast approach- ing, and I most ardently long for more con- vincing evidence, that I am meetening for a 121 better world, having more clear and consistent realizing views of that happy state which is in reserve for the people of God. Life and immortality are brought to light by the gospel ; what we shall be doth not yet appear, but we know, that when our Lord appeareth, we shall be like Him and see Him as He is ! O my soul, let this suffice, and be increasingly anxious to have holiness to the Lord inscribed on every thought, every action, and pursuit j and so, through Divine grace, be preserved blameless to the coming of thy Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ ! The past year has been signalised by an event the most interesting and endearing. My dear ****'s comfortable settlement in life, as far as human foresight can discern. O, my heavenly Father, let thy choicest blessing rest upon this union ! Thou art the founder of fami- lies, and the All-wise disposer of our daily lot -, and as unmingled felicity is not to be found in this sublunary state, may Thy young servants, through the means of grace. Thine ordinances, providences, and paternal discipline, be pre- pared for a state, '* where they neither marry, nor are given in marriage," and be for ever 122 associated with angels, and glorified spirits in the blissful enjoyments of a better world ! The concealment of futurity must be ranked among the merciful dispensations of Divine Providence 3 sufficient for a believer is it to know that " all things shall work together for good." God is love, and love is intermingled with the bitterest visitations and sharpest trials of this probationary state. O, my trembling heart! let this consideration cheer thee ; shrink not from prospective difficulties, nor sink under the tender emotions of widowed care and solicitude. Thy Maker is thy hus- band, and a father of the fatherless throughout all generations. *' Truly my soul waiteth upon God, my expectation is from Him." The Word that I have rested on shall help my heaviest hours. " The Lord will provide." " Thy mercy tempers every blast, To them that seek Thy face ; And mmgles with the tempest's roar The whispers of Thy grace. Those gentle whispers let me hear. Till all the tumult cease ; And gales of Paradise shall lull My weary soal to peace.' 123 DECEMBER 31st, 1824. Another departed year summons me to solemn reflection, and the sacred contem- plation of the deep mysteries of Divine Provi- dence, in the gloomy and trying scenes of affliction through which I have been brought to the present moment. Thy chastening, my heavenly Father, has, indeed, been heavy upon me during the past year, and were it not for the compassionate tokens of Thy love, as they are manifested in the glorious privileges of adoption, enabling me, in my sorrowful hours, to cry " Abba, Father," I should have perished. Yes, the eternal God is my refuge, and His everlasting arms have again sustained me j and to my latest hour will I tell of His faithfulness and truth. Notwithstanding my losses, disappointments, and multiplied tribulations, a theme of grati- tude becomes me. My beloved child, whose sudden bereavement has revived in my mind the poignancy of former griefs, is yet spared ; and though I behold her a youthful widow, 124 and the mother of a fatherless babe, I must adore the hand that dehvered;, and has thus far carried her through great and overwhelming distress. Her earthly prospects have, alas ! been early blighted, and her fair hopes of happiness soon withered and fled j yet she is continued for my comfort ; and for that I praise Thee. Ever- blessed Jehovah, be Thou her father, and the father of her destitute babe ! Thou art too wise to err. and too good to be unkind. O, may we say of this dark dispensation, "it is well," the Lord hath done it j may a tranquil resig- nation to the Sovereign " disposer of human events, " in all His arrangements and appoint- ments, be sought for, and obtained by humble prayer at a throne of grace. There may we be assured, that He who is our Redeemer and Sanctifier will do what is bestj His purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour ; and He will cause each sorrowful and calamitous event to contribute to our future advantage and His glory. 126 DECEMBER 31st, 1825. I am brought to the close of another day, another week, and another year. O, what solemn considerations ought to occupy my mind and my heart on such an occasion ! Perhaps the Saturday of life may soon be here -, will Heaven succeed my painful years ? Am I ready for its approach ? A.m I antici- pating the coming of my Lord with lively hope, if not with unutterable joy? O, promised Comforter, descend with Thy blessed in- fluences and whisper " I am Thine." " Then sliould the earth's old pillars shake. And all the wheels of nature break ; My steady soul should fear no more, Than solid rocks when billows roar." JANUARY 1st. 1826. I have to-day avouched the Lord to be my God J again renewed the deidcation of myself to Him ) may the serious and weighty obliga- 126 tions indispensably connected with such a transaction, most powerfully operate upon my heart, and manifest themselves in my future conduct ! It is nearly thirty-six years since I first took the cup of blessing, having chosen the Lord for my portion : and that I have not made shipwreck of faith and a good conscience, I desire this day to ascribe praise and thanks- giving, to my glorious leader, my Redeemer, and sanctifier. O my soul, ** forget not all His benefits," retrace thy richest favours — O retrace thy delightful seasons, and means of grace in years that are past, the enjoyment of holy ordinances, and happy Sabbaths, in union with many who have quitted their earthly tabernacles, passed the terrors of Jordan, and are, through the riches of Divine grace, ad- mitted into the realms of purity and peace. O may their victories animate my faint and languid efforts to press forward in my Christian course with more successful perseverance ! Death is making its ravages among my friends and acquaintances, and loudly enforces the monitory lesson, "be ye also ready j" ready to quit the delusions of the earth, its dangerous 127 labyrinths and besetting snares j ready to ex- change the perils of the wilderness, for ** the rest that remaineth for the people of God." God of Abraham, of Isaac, and of Jacob, say unto me, *' fear not, I have redeemed thee ,• thou art mine ; when thou passest through the waters, they shall not overflow thee j when thou walkest through the fire, the flame shall not kindle upon thee -, for I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour." FEBRUARY 16th, 1827 To-day I have completed my sixtieth year. " Oh what is life ? A vapour, that appeareth for a little while, and then vanisheth away 5" little, indeed, compared with an immeasurable eter- nity ; but truly great in its consequences, involving in its destiny the happiness or misery of my immortal soul ! " Blest Saviour, introduced by Thee, Have I my race begun ; And crown' d with victory at Thy feet, I'll lay my honours down." 128 O do thou teach me to number my days that yet remain, that I may improve them, and be ready for my last days on earth ; that I may hear the solemn command, " return, ye children of men," without a sigh j desaend into the gloomy valley of the shadow of death with steady faith, lively hope, and joyful anticipation of future glory. Blessed Jesus, *' Give me Thy counsel for my guide. And then receive me to Thy bliss ; AM my desires, and hopes beside. Are faint and cold, compared with this." The year 18^7 will soon have finished its career ; many who greeted its first rising dawn are now silent in death ; while I am preserved to engrave a fresh memorial of gratitude, adoration, and praise, to Him who hath pre- served me hitherto. The song of Moses and the Lamb is the sublime anthem of heaven ; and though yet in a vale of tears, I long to catch the sacred vibration, and mingle with the harmonies of the blessed, my feeble offerings of holy love and thankfulness, for all I partake of here, and all I hope to possess in a better world. 1^9 Lost in the boundless contemplation of the Divine sovereignty, in not only distinguishing me by the bounties of Providence, but with the peculiar blessings of His grace 3 I beseech thee, dear sacred Spirit, to enable me with thine efficacious influences to dwell on some of the tokens of divine favour with which I have been indulged. A throne of grace has been ever accessible, and my secret groanings, amidst the mutability and vexation of this passing state, have met with solace and sympathy, from Him who hath said, " 1 will bear, and I will carry, even to hoary hairs -, I will not leave thee, nor forsake thee." O my soul, art thou not a fresh proof of the Divine veracity, and of the power and faith- fulness of the ever- blessed Jehovah ? A bruised reed, an insect of a day, a moth, a worm, a vapour that soon passes away, may well de« scribe my state and condition ; and yet I am upheld, year after year, and, to the present moment, am constrained to tell of the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living ! O most humiliating, heart-rending thought — language cannot sufficiently deplore my base- 130 ness and ingratitude ; 1 am less than the least of all the mercies bestowed upon me ) yes, most unworthy, unprofitable, and deeply guilty, *' What have I done for Him that died. To save my wretched soul ? How are my follies multiplied. Fast as my minutes roll 1 " My soul groaneth, being burdened ; the spiritual conflict is pressing and vigorous ; the billows of temptation rise higher and higher^ and my enfeebled spirit is sometimes ready to faint with the oppositions of the world, my innate corruptions, and the insidious wiles of unbelief. O Lord, undertake for me 5 helpless, in- digent, and insufficient of myself, I look unto Thee, who art exalted to be a Prince and a Saviour, to give repentance and remission of sins. Dear Saviour, on Thee 101^ soul doth wait, and on Thy word will I rely : on Thee, O blessed Advocate and Redeemer, who art the same yesterday, to-day, and for ever, and who ever liveth to make intercession for Thy people. Here is my confidence, my strong- hold in the day of trouble, my tower of defence. 131 against which the gates of hell can never pre- vail. O Lord, increase my faith ; let it be powerful J omnipotent, and victorious over every opposition, and Thine shall be the glory now, and through a boundless eternity. Dear Jesus, " On Thee, alone, my hope relies, Seneath Thy cross I fall ; My Lord, my life, my sacrifice. My Saviour, and my all." At nine o'clock in the evening, March 11th, 1828, 1 was suddenly seized with an alarming malady, which threatened to deprive me of life, and speedily level me with the dust j but He that holds the keys of death and the invisible world, has seen fit to spare me a little longer, and bring me back again from the gaping tomb. O my soul ! with what emotions wilt thou tell of the Divine goodness, manifested in the supporting presence of thy Lord and Redeemer in the trying scene. O ! " Tell of His wondrous faithfulness, And sound His power abroad ; Sing the sweet promise of His Grace, And the performing God." None but Christ, will do in a dying hour j there is no other refuge for a naked soul to 5ee to, when earth is receding, and the im" mediate prospect of a vast eternity is close in view. Then the boundless love of" Christ, as displayed in all its various relations, is most precious to a believer. Faith in Him, with a well-grounded hope of personal interest in Him, can enable the soul to triumph over all the weakness and decays of nature, and leave its immortal interests in His hands, fully " per- suaded that neither death, nor life, nor things present, nor things to come, can ever separate" from His love. JUNE 1st, 1828. " Witli all my powers of heart and tongue, I'll praise my Maker in my song j Angels shall hear the notes I raise. Approve the song, and join the praise." I have again been permitted to go up to the house of the Lord after a tedious absence, oc- casioned by long protracted debility ; I have taken the cup of salvation, and presented a memorial of grateful praise at His holy table 133 this day. " Remember me," was the dying command of my blessed Redeemer. Yes ! dear Saviour, while memory holds her place, will I remember Thee, and hope to sing Thy name through a vast eternity ! I will remember Thy sympathizing love through the wearisome weeks of sickness, and the rich communications of power and grace in the prospect of im- mediate dissolution. *' Jesus can make a dying bed. Feel soft as downy pillows are;" and I desire to leave this record of the Divine faithfulness and boundless love of my Saviour, as an excitement to any one who may read these lines to put their trust more fully in Him, and to pour out their heart before Him. To mention the loving-kindtiess of the Lord is a bounden duty, as well as a pleasurable service j and the tried principles of Christianity elicit a warm and earnest recommendation of them to others. I trust especially my beloved children may be under its most powerful influence ; and that pure and undefiied religion may be their most '- 134 ardent pursuit and > their richest consolation. The pleasures and possessions of earth are fleeting, while the Christian's treasure remains inviolate : the storms of life enhance its value, and the dark seasons of affliction best discover its resplendent brightness. DECEMBER 31st, 1828. Another year is ended ! my book of sacred record filled up, and the days of the years of my pilgrimage well nigh finished. O my soul, art thou on the wing for an unseen world ? Is a blessed immortality thy aim, thy daily care, and constant pursuit ? Art thou waiting the coming of thy Lord ? The earthly house of thy tabernacle has been severely shaken during the past year — death and eternity presented in full solemnity, awfully impressive and deeply awakening. O may the event be productive of due thought and consideration ! May I, at the close of this eventful year, ascertain more satisfactorily the foundation of my dependence for salvation and acceptance now, and in the great decisive day. ' 135 My hopes are centred in the finished work of redemption by Jesus Christmy Lord, the Lamb of God, who taketh away the sins of the world ; His imputed righteousness is my glory, it is God that justifieth. Divine Spirit, grant unto me a rich supply of holy influence, to support and guide me in my future progress. O for more faith, hope, love, joy, and peace in be- lieving — a firmer reliance on Him who is death's conqueror, who, I trust, will bear me through the swellings of Jordan, and take me to rest with him in endless blessedness ! AUGUST 23d, 1829. Sabbath Morning, The great purpose of life is to glorify God and enjoy Him for ever. To contemplate his power. His faithfulness. His compassion, and His love, is a most animating subject of holy meditation and delight. Blessed Spirit, enable me at this hour to enter upon a theme so inspiring and sublime. The day is Thine, sacred to the well-being of 136 my immortal interests ; and while my dear children are gone to meet Thine assembled people, I am left solitary and alone. I beseech Thee, most Holy Spirit, enable me to retrace Thy former loving kindnesses. " I have loved the habitation of Thy house, and the place where Thine honour dwelleth ; " yes, I have preferred Jerusalem above my chief joy ; often rejoiced in the announcement " it is time to go up to the house of the Lord," and will ever pray *' peace be within her walls and prosperity within her palaces." Ever-blessed Jehovah, Thy power is not limited. Thou art not confined to temples made with hands -, the humble and contrite heart is Thine endeared abode, and Thy compassion will condescend to revive the heart of Thy contrite ones j Thy faithfulness and boundless love centre in the Lord Jesus my Redeemer and Intercessor, and with Him Thou wilt give all things. O, for quickening, strengthening grace, so that I may finish my course with joy, and be made meet to enter the nobler sanctuary above ; there to unite in the sabbatic anthems of the Redeemed throughout eternity ! 137 DECEMBER 31st, 1829. Most adorable Jehovah, *' Thou art our dwelUng-place in all generations ; before the mountains were brought forth, or ever Thou hadst formed the earth, and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting. Thou art God. Thou turnest man to destruction, and again Thou sayest, return ye children of men." *' Yet must this moving engine last. Till all Thy saints are gathered in ; Then for the trumpet's dreadful blast To shake it all to dust again." Eternal Spirit, do Thou grant to me at the present season suitable recollections, and a sanctified improvement of the varied and im- portant events of another year. In the com- mencement of it my dear brother sickened, suffered awhile, and died in the faith of Jesus, his divine Lord and Master, who saw fit, in the midst of his usefulness and family endearments, to remove him to the ransomed family above. There, through the riches of 138 Sovereign grace, eternal life and the victor's crov^^n are now his joyful inheritance for ever and ever ! Several more distant relatives and acquaint- ances have been carried to their long home j and on the fifth day of this closing month of the year my dear sister *5t***^ ended a life of disappointment, vexation and care, and has entered into '' the rest that remaineth for the people of God*" " Hear ! what the voice from Heaven proclaims For all the pious dead ; Sweet is the savour of their names, And soft theu' sleeping bed. They die in Jesus, and are blest. How kind their slumbers are ! From sufferings and from sins releasM, And freed from every snare." Truly, indeed, we spend our years as a tale that is told, sometimes short and mysterious, and, alas ! frequently fraught with melancholy details of lengthened wretchedness and woe. '' Vanity, all is vanity, and vexation of spirit," said the wisest of men ; and such is human life, furnishing matter for consideration, retro- 139 spection, humiliation and abasement. To the Christian it is a probationary state, a condition of discipline, exercise, conflict and warfare, and he is often compelled, with bitter anguish, to exclaim, *' Who is sufficient for these things ? O Lord, undertake for me. Lord, save or I perish." The waves of trouble how they rise I How loud the tempests roar ! And many a rolling billow threatens to engulf the feeble believer with terror and dismay. Be still, O my soul, and hearken to the voice of Divine inspiration -, hear it saying, *' Fear not, thou worm Jacob, thou shalt not be forgotten of me ; when thou passest through the waters, they shall not overflow thee, or through the fire it shall not kindle upon thee -, I will help thee, saith the Lord, thy Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel." Happy, happy promises ! Blessed spirit, seal them on my heart, and grant by Thy divine influences, I may be fitted for whatever is before me ; either for longer life, or a sudden removal hence ; may my daily desire and endeavour be, that 'Svhether present 140 or absent, I may be accepted in Him." Great Sun of Righteousness, beam into the inmost recesses of my soul, warm and animate its best affections, and make my bosom calm and serene as a summer's e^e, when the beauteous orb of day in mild retiring lustre soothes all nature into quietude and repose ; grant that I may hail life's last parting ray with unruffled joy. My heavenly Father, I adore Thee for the goodness and mercy that have followed me through the circling year, notwithstanding my insensibility and unbelief. ** O could my thankful heart devise, A tribute equal to Thy grace ; To the thii'd heaven my joys should rise, And teach the golden harps Thy praise." FEBRUARY 16th, 1830. I am sixty-three years old to-day ; my Hea-^. venly Father, I may well exclaim with wonder and astonishment, what am I that Thou hast brought me hitherto ? With the profoundest reverence, veneration, and humility, I desire to 141 commit myself to Thy future care, O Lord God of truth ! O fit me for my final hour, for a new state of existence in a better world, an abode of perfect holiness, gratitude, and love I OCTOBER 17tb, 1830. Shepherd of Israel, hear ! O ! hear my song of praise, my tributary lay j and though poor, and feeble, and low, enable me to utter Thy deserved praise. Forty years this day I was introduced into Thy fold, and for the first time partook of the kind memorials of Thy dying love, as instituted in the commemorative sup- per. That I have been so long kept among Thy sheep, I ascribe to Thy boundless love and faithful care, dear Jesus j "who art the same yesterday, to-day, and forever!" .What a long train of thought arises in my mind on the review of a vast series of occur- rences through each succeeding year. *' O to grace how great a debtor," is still ray* daily theme 3 through Divine grace, I have been 142 secured in the blessed enclosure of tBy fold to the present time, often amidst dangers, perilous and overwhelming. Alas ! I have erred and strayed into many a devious wild, and have been pierced and wounded with the thorns and briars of its deceptive, but alluring paths ! The good Shepherd, who laid down his life for the sheep, has often listened to my plaintive cry J He has regarded my grievous moan, when, with bitter anguish, I have said, " O seek Thy servant, restore Thy wandering sheep." Ever blessed be His name, in times of severe discipline, temptation, losses, heartrending bereavements, and oppressive calamity. He has often vouchsafed to carry me in His arms, and fold me in His bosom 3 but for this, I should have perished in my affliction, and have sunk in utter misery and despair. 14S DECEMBER 30th, 1830. " Like as a father pitieth liis cbildrenj so the Lord pitieth them that fear Him ; for He knoweth our frame, He remembereth that we are dust." Notwithstanding my growing infirmities^ ex- cessive languor, and decrepitude, I am per- mitted to see the end of another year. *' Sweet on Thy faithfulness to rest. Whose love can never end ; Sweet on Thy covenant of grace, For all things to depend. Sweet in the confidence of faith. To trust Thy truth divine ; Sweet to lie passive in Thy hands, And have no will but Thine. This has frequently been my delightful ex- perience, though unbelief and a wicked, worth- less heart, and a cruel malicious enemy, have too often succeeded in intercepting my views of heavenly glory, and the full assurance of my interest in my Saviour's love. My heavenly 144 Father, I leave myself with Thee ! fulfil thine own promise ; *' as thy day, so shall thy strength be." When flesh and heart faint, be Thou the strength of my heart and my portion for ever. All around is fading, earth is receding, and nothing short of the love of God, treasured up in the Lord Jesus Christ, can satisfy my capacious desires. Out of His fulness may I partake of grace to pardon, grace to renew, grace to sanctify, and to make me meet for that inheritance, which " fadeth not away ;" and when the solemn announcement meets my ear, *' Behold I come quickly," then may my bhssful answer be, ** Even so. Lord Jesus, come quickly." " Jesus the vision of Thy face, Hath oyerjjowering charms ; Scarce shall I feel death's cold embrace, If Christ be in my arms." 145 THE LAST EVENING IN THE YEAR 1831. " God is our refuge and strength, a very- present help in trouble." " He will be our guide even unto death, and our portion for ever." Awake, my immortal spirit, to the solemn consideration of thy condition as it regards thy future destiny ! This earthly tenement of clay is daily growing weaker, tottering with age and decay ; *' there is but a step between thee and death !" O my soul, with renewed earnestness, repeat the important enquiry, what wilt Thou do in the swellings of Jordan ? in the last struggle ? the last conflict ? How endure the last farewell embrace, and close thine eyes on the most endeared objects of affection and delight ? With deep humility and the profoundest reverence I would say : Christ is all, my blessed hope, my glorious prize, my righteousness, and strength. Hail ! dear Immanuel, divine Re- deemer, hail ! I sing Thy victories, and aim to lisp Thy praises now, that ere long I may join 146 the ransomed throng above, in chaunting iu melodious strains, " worthy the Lamb to receive blessing and honor, glory and power, for ever and ever !" Amen. " I rest in Christ, and every hope disclaim. That does not centre in the Lamb of God j I take to bliss, no passport but his name — I lean on nothing, but His staff and rod/' DECEMBER 31st, 1832. '' Thy name, O Lord, endureth for ever, and Thy memorial to all generations." I adore Thee, my Heavenly Father for all the mercy and the truth, Thou hast shewed to Thy servant through another year. *' Truly my soul waiteth upon God, in his word do I hope, be Thou my portion for ever." Frinted at the Office of the Kentish Observer, Cauterbury, Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. 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