M^^^^^^^ I ,^ ^^0^ :> -oV^' r^ . o " o ^ "^Q o > "^ .^^^k' ^ r .* .■^'^-< -A ', \ ^^o^ 'V * o « ^ -^^ -t. 4 o JOE SIMPSON'S DOUBLE ^ Sitetcf) m (Bnt ^ct BY / CHAS. S. REID FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY As originally presented by the V/allialla Cotnedy Company, at the Kaufntann Opera House, Aug. ^, i8gi }i,o y%>^ BOSTON 1892 CHARACTERS CARL BLUSTER ) _ ^ . l Dutchmen HANS VON boy: \ YLE) JOE SIMPSON ] Street Darkeys JOE JOHNSON j SOL. STRAP . . A Policeman Time of Playing, Thirty Minutes. COSTUMES. Carl. — Cutaway coat, dark pants, white shirt, blue stockings, low cut shoes, bald red wig. Hans. — Exactly same as Carl, Joe S. — Ragged darkey make-up. Joe J. — Exactly same as Joe S, Sol. S.— Blue uniform, regulation hat. PROPERTIES. Stuffed club, basket of beef, jug of beer, silver doHar, silver quarter, two coal shovels. Copyright, 1S92, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 5 e^^g,^^-" JOE SIMPSON'S DOUBLE. Scene. — Street in third grooves. {Enter Joe Johnson, r., with shovel.) Joe J. By Goramighty ! Dis j'^ere organ am gettin out ob a job. {Patting his stomach.) Ain't put nuffin down dar in erbout four days. De wedder am too doggoned hot for a coal-heaver to do much biz. But I guess dar'l be somefin turn up fore long, ef it ain't nuffin but my toes turn up to de sky. {Exit L.) {Enter Joe Simpson, r., with shovel.) Joe S. By Goramighty ! My appetite ain't had nuffin ter rassle wid in bout forty-four hours, and de front ob myself am gvvine ter collapse wid my back bone putty soon ; but I guess I'll make er rise putty quick, ef it ain't nuffin but er rise tode next world. {Exit L.) {Enter Policeman, r.) Police {haltittg in his beat). It would take a head with forty eyes to watch such scape-graces as those. {Moves on.) {Enter Carl Bluster, r.) Carl. I vender vere I found von negro vot I couldt sent down der shtreet, puddy soon. Police. There was one here only a moment ago, he is just gone down the street there. {Looking off.) Here he comes now. Carl. Veil, dot's puddy goot. I yust vait for him. {Enter Joe J., l.) Joe J. Putty good mawnin, massa cap'n ! How your coperosity seem to segaciate dis mawnin .-' Carl. Vot's dot you say 1 I dond could been insulted mit dot foolishness ; but ^-ust you see here vonce, I haf got a job for you. Joe J. All ri^ht, boss ! * Fse yer huckleberry. Carl. Veil, yust you go down mit der brewery, und got me von gallon beer, yust you see, I give you der money und jug, und I meet you herein bout fufteen minutes. Undershtood dot ? {Gives money and Jug.) Joe J. Yes, sah ; bet yer boots I does, boss ! Carl. Veil, I bet you von pair of socks about dot next veek. {Exit r.) Joe J. Heads, I win ; tails, you lose. {Tosses up money.) Tails, you lose. By Goramighty ! Dat's de biggest piece ob 3 4 JOE SIMPSON S DOUBLE. money I'se glued my optics onto for a good many days. I'lljist make dat dar brewery man set em up for spendin sugh a fortune wid him. {Exit L.) {Enter Joe S., l.) Joe S. I'se beatin dis corner same as dat ar cop, only he's a dead beat and I'se a turn-up beat ; dat is, I turns up round here putty often. {Enter Hans Von B. with basket on his arm.') Hans. Heydere! You vas yust der feller vot I vas looking for. Vot ish your name, anyhow ? Joe S. Boss ! I'se named Joseph Simpson, my daddy was named John Simpson, and my grand-daddy — Hans. To der teifuls mit your grand-daddy, und der rest of der vamily ; vot I vant of you ish, dot you dook dis basket und go down mit der butcher, und got me von dollar's vort of borter-house shtake, yust you see, here ish der money. {Gives him dollar and basket.) Und I meet you here in bout fufteen minutes. {Exit R.) Joe S. By Goramighty ! Joe Simpson's goose am tuk a rise. I'll make dat butcher frow in a ham sanwich as a premium fur , spendin so much boodle wid im at one time. {Looks at money.) Dars Mars. Benjamin on one side, and de Norf American buzzard on de toder ; now, dat buzzard am gwine down to de butcher for some dead cow. {Exit l.) Police. Such scamps as these should be put to work in some stock yard ; they are no good, they pay no tax to the city, and if one of them gets killed or dies, the city has to stand funeral expenses. {Moves on.) {Enter Carl, meeting Police.) Carl. Dit you seen a colored boy any veres, mit a jug ? Police. Why, you were just now talking to him. What's the matter with you ? Carl. Yass, dot's a fact ! I dalk mit him bout fufteen minutes ago. Police. So you did, and you were also talking to him about two minutes ago. Carl. I guess you vas yust so crazy yust like abet bug. I dond vas here since bout fufteen minutes ago, und you lie like der tiefuls, uf you say I vas. Police. Look out, old man. I'm not to be trifled with. I'll run you in. What do you suppose my eyes are made for ? I tell you, you were right here, just two minutes ago. Qx'R'L {crosses to i..\ aside). Dot's der craziest fool vot I haf seen for some time. By bretzels ! I yust got him turned off der force for grand lunacy. {Exit l. 2 e.) {Enter Hans l. 3 e. meeting Police.) Hans. Goot morning! Did you seen onydings of a small colored boy roundt here for a little vile ago ? JOE SIMPSON S DOUBLE. 5 Police. See here, if you ask me that question again I will annihilate you. I'm not here to be the butt of your foohshness. Hans. Veil, dot beats der teifuls ! Vet's der matter, you dond could answer a civil question ? Police. Civil, the deuce! Hav'n't I just a moment ago an- swered that question ? Hans. Veil, I dink you vas make yourself a gandidate for got lunaticum asylum ; better you gone down mit der hospital und der yourself examined for hydrophobia. Police. See here, I told you awhile ago, that I was sane enough ; but you are either crazy or a natural born darn fool. Now, I give you two minutes to get away from here. Hans {crossing to R., aside). Dot man vas gone oudt by der side of himself. I yust report him to der board of health for premeditated idiocy. (^Exit R.) (Enie/- ]OK J., L. 3 e., withjtig!) Joe J. Scuse me, massa cap'n ; but will you do me de kind- ness ob informin me ob, whedder dar's been airy Dutchman round hyer in de last ten minutes or not.'' Police. Yes, I should rather say he had been around here, rather numerous, too. He perambulated in that direction. {Points R.) Joe J. Yes, sah ; much I thank you, sail. {Exit R. 2 E.) {Enter ]o'E. S. %vitli basket 0/ beef, R. 3 E.) Joe S. Beg pardon, sah ! But has yer seen a radder good looking Dutchman round here in de iast ten minutes ? Police {coUarino hivi'). Say, that won't go down. Swap- ping a jug for a basket ain't quite thick enough. Joe S. Hold on dar, boss. I clar ter goodness I nebber stole dis basket. De Dutchman sent me down to de butcher fur some beef, and I'se jist a looking fur him. Police. Did'nt you just now ask me about him ? Joe S. No, sah ! Dis am de fust time 1 spoke to you. Police, {tightens grip). You lie! You black scoundrel ! Joe S. No, sah ! I'se a scaticism scholar, boss. Police. Well, I'll just allow you about two seconds to make yourself scarce about here. (Joe S. is about to exit l. when he meets Carl.) Carl. Hey ! dere ! You vas der man vot I look for. Dit you got dot beer ? Joe S. No, sah ; but I got dot beef, what you sent me down to de butcher, at. Carl. Der teifuls! Inotgifyou not any basket. You shcoun- drel ! I gif you von jug to got some beer, und you shvap dot off for dot basket ; now, vere ish dot jug und beer ? Joe S. Boss, you am somewhatly mistaken. You gib dis chile 6 JOE SIMPSON S DOUBLE. er basket and a dollar right in dis spot, bout fifteen minutes ago, to get ten pounds ob beef. Carl. Yass, in dis spot bout fufteen minutes ago I gif you von quarter of a dollar und von jug to got some beer. Joe S. {aside). By Golly! I wonder ef he meant for me to keep de seventy-five cents for doin de job. No, de old man am kinder wrong up dar. ( Tapping his head.) Carl. By bretzels ! Der whole gountry vas gone crazy. Now, yust you see here vonce. {Seizing Joe by collar.) Uf you don't gone und got dot beer puddy soon, I shlap you in der middle of bout der next century. Joe S. {pulls aivay and stops Police). Say, boss! I wish you'd kick me once ; I want to see whedder dis am me ; and den you can kick dat Dutchman to see whedder dat am he. Carl. Hey ! dere ! Dunder und Bhtzen ! Don't you goin to find dot beer ? Hey ? Joe S. No, sah, but hyer's yerbeef, if yer want it, andifyer don't jist say so, and I'll take it down to de resteraunt and swap it off, or hab it cooked and eat it all myself. Carl. Well, yust you do dot den, but vere ish mine quarter vot I gif you? Joe S. Boss, I ain't got your quarter, but I done spent yer dol- lar for dis earn. Carl {seizing Jiivi). Better you gif up dot money, oder I vipe up der sidevalk mit you right avay, in a couple minutes. Joe S. Hold on dar, boss ! I'se scared of crazy folks. Please goodness, I is. Carl. Vot ! You shcoundrel ! I vas crazy, vas I? {Shakes him ; Police comes front, pulls Carl arid kicks Joe.) Police. Just you t\vo move on now, before I run you in. I've had quite enough of foolishness out of you in one day. Carl. By bretzels! I show dot negro sometings. {Rnnsat]OK -who falls k.-jCaki. falls over him ; Joe rises and rtins ont l.; Carl rises.) By Dunder und Blitzen ! Vot for you let dot black shcoun- drel got avay for? {Aside.) Der whole ding vas got shtruck mit lunacy. I wonder uf I dond vas a luddle grazy mineselluf. {Exit l.) (Joe J. enters r. pursued by Hans.) Hans. I show how ish dot. You cow ! I send mit you, von dollar for beef, und you vant to come back mit von dwenty-five cents' vort of beer ; you vant to steal mine oder seventy-five cents. By bretzels ! I tore you up und feed you to der sea-serpents of der field, und der chimpanzies of der ocean. Joe J. No, sah, Mr. Gemblum ! You am clean off de track. Right hyer am de place whar you gib me dis yer jug and de quarter ob a dollar to git dis beer, and I got it forf-wif, sah. And now, you want to make like you don't drink beer. Hans. Vot ! You crazy teifuls ! You vant to keep on saying dot I send you for von gallon beer. Vy, I dell you dot I belong mit JOE SIMPSON S DOUBLE, 7 der temperance society. Now vere ish dot beef, before I feed you mit der sharks ? I dond took some more foolishness right away puddy soon. Joe J. No, sah ! You neber sent dis yer colored gemblum arter no beef; and when dis chile knows a fing, he ginerally knows it bout as good as anybody else does ; and I knows you didn't gib me but twenty-five cents and dis yere jug. Hans. Oh, mine gracious ! Your prains vas bout der size of a shmall grain of sand. I dell you, I gif you right here von round silver dollar, dot you got me ten pounds of borter-house shtake ; und you bring me von gallon beer. Oh, you vas yust so crazy like von lunaticum asylum. Joe J. 1 speck you am de crazy one. (Aside.) Neber seed a Dutchman yet dat didn't want ter make a fool out ob a nigger. {Aloud.) See here ! Does yer want dis jug ob beer, or does yer don't want it. Hans. Vot ish dot ? No, By bretzels ! I not vant your beer ; I yust vant-mine beef oder I build some log shanties on dem eyes vot you haf got. Joe J. Now, sah ! Jist you see here ; ef you am er white man, I'll hab yer ter know, dis ytre colored gemblum don't take no fool- ishness. Now, you better take this beer and gib me ten cents for doing de job. Hans. Der teifuls ! Gif you von dollar und den cents for one gallon of bad beer, vedder I vant dot or not ! By bretzels ! I yust shake your teeth out from your mouth oudt. {Shakes him soundly.) (Police rushes up, seises and kicks Hans.) Police. Here, you gall-headed son of a saw-mill ! I have had just enough of your foolishness on this street. You were just now fighting over a basket ; and now you are here, fighting over a jug. Joe J. Yes, boss ! Dis gemblum sent me down town for a gal- Ion ob beer, and now he wants ter make like he sent me fur beef. Hans. You vas a piece of der quint-essence of lunacy, you shocolate colored liar ! Police. See here, now ! I'll give you about four seconds to get out of this ward. I won't stand this sort of thing any longer. Hans. Veil, by bretzels ! I dink der superintendent of der lunaticum asylum could make himself some business in dis part of der town. (Exit R.) . Joe J. Say, dar, Mr. Policeman ! I got some mighty good beer in dis yer jug. Dat ar Dutchman wouldn't hab it. so 1 guess we am welcome to a treat out of his pocket-book. Won't yer hab some .-' (Police takes long dii/ik fjontjug.) Boss ! Am dat good beer .'' Police. Yes, that's very good beer. {Drinks again.) Joe J. Boss, I spec dat am putty good for you, but it ain't doin me a darn bit ob good. Police. That's so. I forgot about you. (Gives him jug.) ■ Joe J. {drinks it all). Dar goes de last drop ob de Dutchman's 8 JOE Simpson's double. beer. He better had er tuk dat beer. It am putty good for de constitution, ef he am a temperance man. It would help him stick to de pledge. Police, {staggering). Hie! That Dutchman is a kinder fool, any how ; he wants beef one time and beer the next. {Rcsu/nes beat.) (^Enter Carl, l ; sees Joe J. with jug.) Carl. Hey ! dere ! You vas mine man, now I would took mine lager beer. {Finds jug empty.) Bybretzels! How ish dot .-' I find it oudt, dot's emty. Dond you got dot beer yet ? Hey, vot you done mit dot beef ? Joe J. Didn't I done tole you ; you neber sent dis chile arter no beef? Carl. Veil, dot's vot I try to dell you avile ago ; dot I not send you for some beef; but you yust vant to say it dot I did, und you vant to gif me von basket of beef for von gallon of beer. Joe J. I tell you, I didn't hab no basket of beef Carl. You vas a liar ! Und you vus yust so crazy like von United Shtates congressman. Don't you know it, dot I yust now shase you down der shtreet mit von basket ? Joe J. No, sah ! You didn't chase me down der street wid er basket. You run me right down hyer wid dis jug, and swored you didn't send me arter no beer ; and yer wouldn't hab it ; so I jist drinked it all up. Carl. Vot! Y'ou teifuls .f" You drink mine beer? I vould make some mince meat mit your carcass. {Strikes Joe. 7 /tey Jig/it and roll on jloor together. Policeman rushes up, seizes t hem- each by the collar.) Police. Now, I'll just put a stop to this nonsense and be done with it. This is the third time you've been here fighting like cats and dogs. Joe j. {aside to Police). Say, boss ! How bout dat beer ? Police. Dry up and come along. I'll safely land the pair of ye in the guard-house, and end the disturbance in this quarter. {He marches them out R. 3 E.) {Enter JOE S. R. 2 e. with basket^ Joe S. By Goramighty ! Dat Dutchman wouldn't hab dat meat ; so I jist tuk it down to de restaraunt and swapped it off for fourteen ham sanwiches, which am safely deposited in dis yere spa- cious receptacle. {Patting stomach.) {Enter Hans r. 2 E.) Hans. Veil, by bretzels ! You got dot beef at last ? Joe S. No, sah ! I tried ter gib it ter you bout five minutes ago and yer wouldn't hab it. Hans. Vot ! You tried to gif me some beef ? Not much. You vanted to gif me some beer mit in a jug. Now, vere ish dot beef? Joe S. Didn't I tell yer, you wouldn't hab it er while ago, so I jist swapped it off down to de restaraunt. Spec I'se gwine to lug JOE SIMPSON S DOUBLE. 9 dat beef round hyer till you gits ready ter take it ? No, sah, dat ain't de caliber ob dis yere hairpin. Hans. By bretzels ! Dond I vas ready to took dot, und you vant to gif me dot beer. I pelieve you shvap your prains off for some gourd seed. Now, vot you done mit dot money vot I gif you ? Joe S. De money went for de beef, de beef went for de ham, and de ham landed right down hyer. (^Patting stomach.^ Hans. Yass, und puddysoon I vent for you. You black teifuls! You vant to make it out dot I vas crazy, or dot you dond vas got some sense^? By bretzels! I mash dot nose off from you. {Beats Joe, who yells.) (^Enter Police r. atid rushes forward^ Police. . Here! here! How is this? {Seizes each of them by the collar.) How tlie deuce did you get away from the station house in such a hurry 1 Hans. You vas a fool ! I not vas been mit der shdation house. Joe S. No, sah ! I neber was in de calagoose in my life, boss ! Police. You lie ! Both of you. I turned you over to the ser- geant not five minutes ago. Hans. Oh, Dander and Blitzen ! Der whole vorld vas got durned indo von mad-house. Joe S. {aside). By Goramighty ! dis yer hocifer am gone clean dank dixtracted. Dat's what ! And dis yere Dutchman am fected wid de same complaint. Police. See here ! I think you two are fit subjects for some lunatic asylum, and I will speedily put you where you will get a through ticket. ( Turns with them and is about to exit R. 3 E. Enter JOE J. followed by Carl, r., when Police instatitly re- leases them. Hans, L. ; Carl, r, facing Hans; Joe J., l. ; Joe S. ^., facing ]Qi^ J. Police looks from one to the other in dire astonishment.) Police. I — I — I've seen two of most everything when there was but one ; but hang me if I ever saw two people when there was but one, before. I'll quit. Yes, I'll quit riglit off. Carl {to Hans). Hey! dere ! You vas der man vot got mine lager beer. Hans. Yass, und, by bretzels ! you vas der man vot shval- lowed mine beef. Joe J. (/^ Joe S.). Say dar ! You am de brack rascal dat fooled my Dutchman. Joe S. Yes, and you am der feller what fooled my Mister Man. (Joe J. and Joe S. ricsli together fghting. Carl and Hans fall to work mauling the negroes, and Policeman clubs them all. ) Quick close in. A NEW PLAY FOR GIRLS. The Chaperon, A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS, By RACHEL E. BAKER, PART AUTHOR OF "AFTER TAPS," ETC. Fifteen female characters. Scenery not difficult. Costumes, tennis gowns and modern street and evening gowns, with picturesque Gypsy costumes for Miriam and Jill. Time in playing, two and a half hours. SVNOPSIS: ACT I. Jack AND Jill, A love game. Cousins for sale. "My kingdom for a hairpin." 'The French teacher. A few conundrums. JVIiriani and JiU. The Gypsy's blessing. Nora and the French language. Bilht-doiix and Billy Manahan. An invitation. "I will be your chaperon!" Telling for- tunes. TUE Tennis Drill. Tales out of school. Joyce and the beggars. The accusation. Joyce to the rescue. " I cannot look into your eyes and believe j'ou guilty." Under a cloud. The Gypsy's prophecy. "Miriam the Gypsy has spoken, and she never breaks her word." ACT II. The Chaperon. In the studio. Nora and the man in armor. A spiritual manifestation. Eavesdropping, Locked in. The artist's model. A little lark. The bogus chaperon. The skeleton iu the closet. Romeo and Juliet adapted. Miriam the Gypsy. The secret of the papers. "God be with them and with those to whom they belong!" INIasquerading. Nora's jig. A surprise and an escape. The school-ma'am outwitted. Tue Minuet. Jill and Joyce. The locket. " It means that the waif has found a home at last ! " Sisters. The Gypsy again. " Your duty lies with them, make their lives as happy as you have mine." ACT III. "Like Other Girls." A five o'clock tea. Anticipations. The French teacher again. A lesson in politeness. A nice hot cup of tea. Nora's revenge. Apologies. Mademoiselle's confession. I took it ; it was only for ze revenge." Forgiveness. " Hushuig tea." Confessions. From grave to gay. An Adamless Eden. Superfluous man: a few i)ortraits of him. Explanations. The fulfilment of Miriam's prophecy. A mystery cleared. ' ' The little one I mourned as dead is alive." Our chaperon. Something for "Secret Societies." JOINING THE TINPIINITES. OR, PADDY MCFLING'S EXPERIENCE. (PART I.) A iviock: initiation. FOR THE AMUSEMENT AND INSTRUCTION OF SECRET SOCTETIES. ADAPTED TO ALL ORDERS, AND CONTAINING NOTHING TO OFFEND ANY SECRET ORGANIZATION. By David Hill, Author of " Forced to the "War," " Bound by an Oath," " Out of his Sphere," "Placer Gold," "The Granger," etc. For thirteen male characters and supers. Scenery unimportant, tho stage representing the interior of a lodge-room. Costumes, burlesque regalia. Plays forty-five minutes. This is an uproarously funny travestie of the forms of initiation, and is just the thing for a lodge-room entertainment. Any number of men can assist as members, etc. , Price, . • . 15 cents. By the Author of " A Box of Monkeys." The Corner-Lot Chorus. A FARCE IN ONE ACT. F0R # FEMALE # CHARACTERS ^ 0N12Y By Grace Livingston Furniss. As Origlnally Performed by "The Twelfth -Night Club," at the Lyceum Theatre, New York, on May 7, 1891. j Seven female characters who speak, and ten Jury Girls, Costumes, modern and tasteful. Scenery of little or no importance. Plays about forty minutes. This clever little piece, by the author of " A Box of Monkeys," satirizes with a two-edged blade a foolish social exclusiveness and the weak side of amateur actors, and with bright and clever performers is a sure success. It affords a chance for elegant dressing, if desired, and for telling local hits. In its origiual performance by professional actresses it was a laughing success. Price, , , , Ho cents. Baker's Descriptive Catalogue. GEORGE RIDDLE'S READINGS. A representative collection of the most popular selections of thi most popular elocutionist. Many of the readings contained in this vol ume were written expressly for Mr. Riddle, and are here printed for the first time. 197 pp., cloth. Price, $1.00, net. By mail, SSI.IO. CONTENTS: COME HERE! From the German . . By Genevieve Ward A CURE FOR DUDES . . By John T. Wheelwright ASEWING "SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL" " " UNCLE MICAJAH'S TREAT AT SLAMBASKET BEACH ..." " ' And otber choice pieces, original and selected. THE VON BOYLE RECITATIONS. The dialect recitations of Ackland Von Boyle, vocalist and character delineator, arranged by himself. An excellent collection of humorous recitations, comprising German and Chinese dialect. 68 pp., paper covers . • Price, 15 cents. BAKER'S A. B. C. LEAFLETS. A series of selected recitations, published singly, for the economy and convenience of readers. These are published occasionally, as material offers. The series now contains : — THE ADVANCE By F. H. Gassaway AN INNOCENT DRUMMER . COMPANY K 4 pp. each, paper • • Price, 5 cents each. THREE POPULAR SONGS. SHAMROCK AND ROSE. MY IRISH QUEEN. MA BOUCHALEEN DAWN. And other music incidental to the favorite Irish drama, "Shamrock and Rose." By R. W. Lanigan and Leo A. Munier. The three published together at 60 cents, obtainable only of the publishers. J477-ta3 ' ^ ' -l^ : ^-^6^ 'bV" .0 V ^0 ^ \> « • c ^^'ii. lO-, ^-./ ' • • ' Jy ^ 'o . » • .«\ ^°x>.^ ■: K vi'< -0 ,^' .'^'^ .^°''" ' . . s ^ ^^" ,.'-.^:^,-:^.^ %U , ^" .*W^ AO, oy ■'of •^^o^ 0* V ** 'x, c^ -^0^ V-^^ ■0-* •«<> ^: iOy- t^.^^ ^"-^^^ '. JUM jA c o " •