'^eToiI^of^imce^bli?.. -His BpvNDs ih ^_, THE TOUR 1 PEINCE EBLIS; HIS ROUNDS Society, Church and State. y^dlUayyy^ )f «XU) cow Ij'Jo.ji.jioA.. CHICAGO: The Central Publishing Company, 1879. ^ Copyright Secured, . accobding to Act op Congress. *^Bo ibjoxL but tljtj best, anh tljen tl^on maxjst PEEFAOE. There is nothing bad, or anything intended to be •even irreverent in this piece ; but it is intended to hit hard, absurdities in Fashion, Phariseeism, Morals, Taste, Pretension and sundry other things ; and thus do something, possibly, to correct some of the follies of the times. Il^DEX. CHAPTER I. An Accidental Visitor — Greed Exemplified — Uses of an ''Ulster" — Phariseeism — One of the Dens of the Great City — A Convert to " Darwinism." - - - 11-30 CHAPTER 11. The Devil's "Turn Out"— The Devil at a "Charity Ball"— Heroes and Heroines in Opera — "Whipping the Devil 'round the Stump" — Privileged Passengers — "Where is thy Brother ? " — A Home for Horses — ^Fashion's Mouth- Piece. - 23-33 CHAPTER ni. Fashion as a Tantalizer — A glance at the Drama— Opera Boufie — Wall Street Doings — Pious Uses of Gambling — The Devil in Small Matters— A Walk in Broadway — Efiects of "Busting"— Law and its Dealings — Hornets and Flies. 84-47 viii Index. CHAPTER IV. The Bed of Procrustes — Eblis and the Shark — An Old Defini- tion of Patriotism — The Question of a Hell — Fate and Fortune — Blunders of the Human Race — The Sage of Athens and Man of Uz. 48-54 CHAPTER V. Lies and their Variety — Trapping for Souls — Truth, Savage and Civilized — Honesty, Barbarian and Christian. - 55-63 CHAPTER VI. A Broadway Procession — Want and its Avengers — "The Devil to Pay" — The Prince at the Capital — Windmills — The Ins and the Outs — The Statue, its Significance — The Monument 64-71 CHAPTER VII. The True '"Third Estate"— The Prince a Lobbyist— Over- reached — Mushroom Aristocracy — Secretary Subsidy's Levee — Jenkins on the same — " Rings" and their import. 72-84 CHAPTER VIII. A Trip to the Provinces — Bidding for Souls — A Learned Pro- fessor—The Thirst for Glory — The Soldier's Horoscope — The Young Girl — Pride versus Love — The Miser. - 85-96 Index. ix CHAPTER IX. Vessels to Honor and Dishonor — Eblis as an Angler — Fly Fishing and its Victims — Capture of an " Interviewer " — New Locations for Shooting Galleries. - - 99-106 CHAPTER X. Agrarianism — The Red Flag — Beer or Blood — The Meaning of a "Divide" — The Tramps — "The Man with the Poker"— Earthly Hells. 107-113 CHAPTER XI. The Prince at the "Hub" — Some Hub Peculiarities — The Puritans and their Theology — Jack and the Parson — Unity and its Difficulties — "Holding the Fort " — Impu- dence of an Imp— A Stimulant to Patriotism. - 114-124 CHAPTER XII. A College Fungus— A "Base" Infliction — Periodical Depart- ures Celestialwards — Clams and Contrition — Celestial Ferry Tickets— Experiences of Job and Moses— Finale. 137-140 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIOE'S. An Accidental Visitor, - - - 13^ Phariseeism, 17 y A Conyert to "Darwinism," - - - - - - -21, / The Devil at a "Charity Ball," 27 A Home for Horses, - 31 Fashion as a Tantalizer, ------- 35 A Glance at the Drama, 39 Wall Street Doings, 43'' Honesty — Barbarian and Christian, - - - - - 61 The Prince at the Capital, .•-..--. 69' Overreached, 73 Mushroom Aristocracy, 77' Secretary Subsidy's Reception, 81r The Soldier's Horoscope, - 89/ Pride versus Love, 93 The Miser, ----- 97 The "Intervievrer," 103^ The Prince at the " Hub," 115 Hub Theology, - - 119- A College Fungus, - - - - - . - - - 135 A "Base" Infliction, . - - 129 Clams and Contrition, 133^ Pagan Christianity, 137 Finale. . - - - 141/' THE TOUR OF PRINCE EBLIS. CHAPTEK I. An Accidental Visitor — Greed Exemplified — Uses of an " Ul- ster "—Phariseeism — One of the Dens of the Great City — A Convert to ' ' Darwinism. " A youthful Satan on a jaunt one day, Around the verge of the Infernal world, The haunt of such, got in some sort of fray. And from its battlements was swiftly hurled ; At first he was disposed to loudly murmur, But 'lighting in Broadway he liked Terra Firma, In costume scant, as wrench'd from world Infernalj He, in his 'stress, at what seem'd " solid " grasped. And with wise instinct, as with grip eternal. That lump of gold held on to hard and fast: A sharp young imp, he soon saw all was right. As Mammon's show-fronts flashed upon his sight. 12 Pkince Eblis. '" The Devil amongst the tailors " was no harm ; So in he walk'd to one of Fashion's haunts. And though his tail was wrapp'd around his arm, The master-fashioner gave no look askance ; For didn't he see right there before his eyes. That talisman, gold, the first beneath the skies? And didn't he then and there condone his fears At hope of some share of the glittering prize. And handle carefully that tail as his shears Cut here and there to hide it from all eyes? 'Till the young imp, pleased at such kind attention, Was fain to grin and nod his condescension. The devil was clad, the fashioner paid, and now, The imp would look around to see what's what ! Was warmly clad for one of his kind, for lo ! A devilish " ulster " girded him about ; 'Twas ultra in its length, for walking around. The infernal garment dragged upon the ground. So ultra that one day as on he loitered, Among some dandies, he 'cognized as one, — For by this time in Upper Tendom quartered, He had become a leader of the ton — His tail, which dropp'd his trowser's leg below. The friendly Pat-coat hid from each one's view. ,^^2b^:^Ai^JX- - AN ACCIDENTAL VISITOK. Walks in Broadway. • 15 1 mention this, because I have a reason For being definite in this mj rhyme ; The devil had landed rather out of season For one who came from such a tropic clime; But being a visitor to us, nolens volens, He did the best he could wrapp'd up in woolens. Keflection came, he saunter'd days and nights In the world's marts, though partial to Broadway, For there he saw so many kindred sights. That his transition seem'd not much astray; On every side he saw such assimilation. He 'gan to conjure plans of annexation. ]S^ot like the process on that beauteous Khine, By war, which came so near a nation squelching. His sire had plann'd the loss o' Alsace and Lorraine, In grief and carnage, whilst hell seem'd a belching ; But here was a world almost, which to annex, He was quite sure would few of its denizens vex. He'd look into it straightway, that he would ; He'd shrewdly notice what was going ahead, * He might find many reasons why he should Get such a province for his sharp old dad; To be sure this region didn't stand alone, He'd look at all to see what could be done. 16 • Prince Eblis. As these reflections came upon the rogue One winter's morn — 'twas Sunday by the way — He wandered forth to see the styles in vogue Of those who in God's temples sing or pray, Or patronize the pastor; — wrapp'd in's ulster close, It must be owned he felt somewhat morose. For why ? — the wind 'most took him from his feet,. In sweeps, as wildly up the street it rose ; The snow too came in swirls, and then some sleet,. Hit like small shot- against his Roman nose; The imp was roused, he pushed through sleet and snow, To pause at length, 'neath spire and portico. And there he saw a sight to please the devil— r- Saw noble steeds close " clipp'd " prance to the gate, Saw other sights to please the Author of Evil; Saw fashion's votaries, furr'd and shawl'd, elate, Rustle their silks and satins as they greeted Friends and acquaintances in each fine pew seated; For warmth and music waited on them there, * And soft words, telling of some glorious sphere, Where fields were always green, a world so fair With all that's beautiful, that sigh, nor tear, ]^or vain regret, nor suffering could be known, That Land of Promise, too, should be their own. ^. }L , ^c» PKABISEEISM. Phakiseeism. 19 The imp, he heard all this and laughed in scorn ; Laugh' d silently, for had the sexton known it, He would have had him off to prison borne, And left in limbo 'till his sin he'd own it; For why? outside the devil had seen a sight, To make all imps and demons laugh outright. There stood the horses, shorn and shivering, teaching Lessons of patience to that church unknown; There froze the coachmen, silently, hours preaching Sermons on fortitude to hearts of stone : Left in the lurch on that high road to bliss, Consoled to know their masters couldn't it miss. He thought he'd seen enough for that one day. So turn'd towards his smoking-room once more, But misery ! he seem'd to lose his way Bewilder'd in the sleet and storm's uproar; He staggered onward towards a hell on earth, Where all of evil seem'd to have its birth. He'd blunder'd down a cross-street as the sound Of the great organ still rang in his ears, A roll of chariot wheels which shook the ground. Signalling the scattering of those worshippers, To palace splendors, wines and viands rare, Where they " thank'd God they weren't as others are." 20 Prince Eblis. The organ sounded peal on peal as yet, 'Companied close by by peals of maniac laughter; With these came groans and curses from a set Of hideous wretches mad with long disaster; The devil in's ulster slipp'd in full of glee, To pass for Patrick fresh from 'cross the sea. He look'd about him in that awful den Of misery and pain, reflex of the fell pit, No thanking God they weren't as other men, For they were wrecks, and well they all knew it ; All they believed in, all they sought for there, "Was brief forgetfulness to drown despair. The devil at "home," he smiled as at him stared. Eyes, bloodshot, through an atmosphere of hell, Imbibed some "lightning," then rose up quite scared, — Something was wrong, just what he could not tell ; Suddenly he vanished in a sulphurous glare. That whiskey'd burnt his tail off close to the chair. '-^-H A CONVERT TO DARWINISM. CHAPTER II. The Devil's "Turn Out"— The Devil at a "Charity Ball"— Heroes and Heroines in Opera — "Whipping the Devil around the stump" — Privileged Passengers — "Where is thy Brother ?" — A Home for Horses — Fashion's Mouth-Piece. The imp's mishap was not of Chinese fashion, Where loss of tail is loss of standing too, For though he fled in such a devilish passion, He, on reflection, ceased to feel so blue; He shortened up his ulster on the occasion, Resolved on a new tour of observation. Shying the haunts so much like his old home, Where other mishaps he might have to mourn, He turned his face once more toward Upper Tendom, To see how Fashion's burdens could be borne; He'd felt some ennui up amongst the grand. And doubted whether e'en imps such woe could stand. 24 Prince Eblis. His "turn out," quite immaculate, 1 must mention, Because his " bits of blood " were from the stables, Of that great financier who paid attention To "watering stock," until the wildest fables Of Croesus and his wealth, howe'er displayed. Were by this " operator " quite thrown in the shade. This "stock," well fed, not "water'd," show'd their heels To all who ventured with them to compete; Minutes were seconds as the dancing wheels Eaised dust Olympic all along the street; The devil's cab was blue picked out with gold. And all eyes followed it as on it rolled. Where'er it stopped the doors flew open wide; At boudoir windows how the laces fluttered! And as his Highness slowly made his stride Up marble steps, how awe-struck flunkies stuttered ! Not Duke Alexis or proud Albion's heir. So made the habitues of Fifth Avenue stare. The devil was pleased ; was flattered, past all doubt : And next — what seem'd a movement rather funny, Got up a ball to bring the ton right out, To dance for " Charity " in getting money ; Of course he laughed and chuckled to himself, As waltz and polka brought some trifling pelf. The Devil's Inventions. 26 To be sure, some few were fain to stay at home, Tliey couldn't dance to any sinful "scraping," The violin as "fiddle" made them sigh and groan, At "human wickedness all bad things aping; These compromised with Conscience by a dance To the "piano," as their only chance. 'Twas at this "Charity " the Prince came near exposure, In these "round dances," being such a dancer; Indeed his pedigree came near disclosure, Because in "polking" he was so fine a prancer; He drew all eyes — all but "bewitched" the girls, As pantingly they kept up with his whirls. Like teetotums all spun to music's sound. Some elders trying vainly to look pleased. And if young waists seem'd clasp'd too close around : " How could one keep up unless tightly squeezed ? " A small hand too press'd on each brawny shoulder; What pleasanter sight to each mamma beholder. As India-rubber the Prince seem'd lithe and strong, Eliciting the envy of his " set," Until, at last, one lisping Freddy Long, Declared aloud, — "he beath the devil, you bet!" The Prince surprised, delighted at such mention, Blurted right out, — Hhey're all my dad's invention! " * *See Appendix, Note A. 26 PuiNCB Eblis. Luckily for him, they laid this to champagne," Their wits by this time getting somewhat frisky, Not more, because all gentlemen refrain. From getting stupid as louts do on whiskey; So it passed off, causing no marked attraction. The Prince having charmed them by his " grace and action." And then the girls ; the girls ! the girls ! ! the girls ! ! ! It didn't stop there — they couldn't talk enough, Of one " so charming ! " — " were there other worlds To give more pleasure ?" — "He was not a muff!"* " Indeed ! " exclaimed Miss Florence Jane Amour, " He really lifted me quite off the floor 1 " The devil liked opera, 'specially such as brought To mind the doings of his followers here and there ; Lucrezia Borgia was a favorite sought, With Don Giovanni of morals rare : But tired of these with constant repetitions, His fashionable friends shared with him these con- ditions. So in the church where once a week they met. They "whipped the devil around the stump," he heard, With organ music, solo and quartette. To whet the senses of great Fashion's herd; The devil soon found his choicest warblers there, Leading these operas with anxious care. * See Note B. THE DEVIL AT A CHARITY BALL. Peivileged Passengers. 29 Meanwhile, the tens of thousands ! — what did they — The world outside, without a sign of seating, Within such walls? — what chance to sing or pray, To — as the Puritans put it — "go to meeting!" Were these vast palace-cars for God to approve, When but the rich were ticketed above?* The devil pondered, noting each rich feature. The meaning of such wealth displayed within. And at the portal, jostled by the preacher, He asked : " Is this a Hospital for Sin ? " f " What heathen asks such questions ? 'Tis for praise ! For blessings given us in unnumbered ways." " I thought as much ! " the devil soliloquized, Then turned on's heel with grim Satanic smile, To think that men could yield what most they prized. Their gold, themselves to foolishly beguile; " Where is thy brother?" — thought ne'er to them given. As up they sent that steeple towards high heaven. The devil was posed ; he sauntered forth once more. Scanning the buildings with a slow precision, And soon he stood another church before, A "home for horses ! " — could he trust his vision? There were its pillars, date, its front of stone. Its carvings desecrate, its beauty gone. * See Note C. f See Note D. 30 Peince Eblis. And looking further, coming into view, Were other structures reared to the Most High, In all ways desecrate, as all did show Some sign of degradation plain to the eye; Mammon and Bacchus, Thespis, — all were there, To shame the builders of those temples fair. * ** * * * * * * Up to this time, young Eblis had encounter'd The mere extremes of what was round him there, Had stumbled on them as he careless saunter'd, Through the metropolis with easy air; But now he thought on business to proceed, Since some report his keen old sire might need. But here he found the " Court End " fairly loaded, With rank absurdities based on grand assumption ; Absurdities in the Old World long ago exploded, The authors "laughed dead" as without any gumption ; A job anew to explode them being so great, As worse, by far, than "blowing up Hell Gate." The wantonness of wealth, what power can measure ? One Gotham exquisite with more dimes than brains, In imitation of an English dolt, at leisure, Gets up a "stage-coach" with infinite pains; And condescending on it to act the driver. He "tips his hat" for any dirty stiver. A HOME FOK HORSES. Shoddy and Petroleum. 33 One journal keeps a " Court List " for the ton^ Tells weekly what is doing at balls and parties, At "Kettle Drums," "receptions," and so on. At "conversations" who were the chief smarties; Does the man-milliner for each rich parvenu, For Shoddy and Petroleum raised in calico. In all these matters Gotham is the model. The " Glass of Fashion and the mould of form ;" And whoso dares to take it in his noddle. To question this of course must raise a storm; A " tempest in a tea pot," after all. For fashion — a female, being hit, will squall. CHAPTER III. Fashion as a Tantalizer — A Glance at the Drama — Opera Bouffe — Wall Street Doings — Pious Uses of Gambling — The Devil in Small Matters — A Walk in Broadway — Effects of " Bust- ing" — Law and its Dealings — "Hornets and Flies." Eblis had seen the fashions, dresses quite " decollete," " Fullbacks,"* as well as other o'er shrewd inven- tions, To spur the spoonies in their hours of jollity, Over champagne, to " definite attentions ;" And next he thought he'd look in on the Drama, To see what it presented any lamer. The first sight that he saw was the " Black Crook ;" Young Eblis blushed as on that phalanx strode, And then his sides with mirth so strongly shook, A fat dame near, surprise and anger showed ; He saw that as an Agency of Evil, This get up well might "shame the very devil!" * See Note E. //I'V^vl' iX- Hl|! ,) M v'tJi 5Si^ ill FASHION AS A TANTALIZER. A Glance at the Deama. 37 He asked the ladj — " What all this could mean ? And hoped she'd please to pardon the intrusion ; He was a stranger there and rather green, Would she explain what brought to him confusion ?" With patronizing smile and broad vernacular, She said " 'twas jolly and was term'd spectac-er-ler." " Spectacular indeed !" — young Eblis queried — " A spectacle all Urribs, or nearly so, For it is plain that blae and red lights varied, Take nothing from that feature of the show !" " Get out ! " — the lady cried — in wrath once more. She'd " raised the devil !" for he fled for the door. It took cool air as he went up Broadway, To quite compose him for another glance At aught like that ; but happening on Aimee, He saw enough of that sweet school of France; A devil confounded ! brought to such a state, He would retire and try to recuperate. The devil had quite regained his equipoise, So in on Wall street thought he'd take a look ; Perhaps might learn a thing or two 'midst noise 'Bout " shorts " and " margins," just like other folk; Was somewhat curious too 'bout " bull " and " bear," Though strongly urged of such beasts to beware. 38 Peince Eblis. There happened on that day to be a " corner," And sundry "breaks" and "rallies" by each "ring;" But "hell broke loose" could hardly match each " goner," When these as " bulls," for " bears" went bellowing; And when the row broke up for want of "rocks," Ruin met a host of gamblers in stocks. Some were " lame ducks," some crept ■ " beneath a cloud ;" One hung himself to make his losses good ; But when the smoke had clear'd and that fierce crowd Of Mammon worshippers had understood, They'd lost on " rumors " sent forth as a snare, It seem'd "legitimate," though false as fair. ^o one lost caste by what he said or did. Unless his crime was being short of cash ! For though they stood on nothing and had bid, For thousands in a way so desperate, rash, And lost or won without a maravedi, 'Twas but a matter of course with the most needy. One pious gambler, howe'er, I should note, "Would show his thankfulness for his rich plunder ; He didn't "buy candles for the saints," but wrote., Giving a college thousands ! — 'twas a blunder ! Before they got the pious offering, he "busted," To the great grief of the " Profs." who in gambling trusted. 11 111 Til A GLANCE AT THE DBAMA. " Daniel in the Lions' Den." 41 'Twas hard to be so "spoiled by the Egyptians" They thought, instead of getting " spoils" — and then, Under " the chastening of these sore afflictions," They thought of " Daniel in the lions' den !" It was to them, in truth, a " bitter cup !" TTievr Daniel stay'd 'till " regularly chaw'd up !" His rival " operator " on this score him got — As in all else — in planting the Tree of Knowledge, For with part proceeds of his " Watering Pot," He founded solidly i' the South a famous college ; And canonized almost for that same act. It stands a monument of superior " tact." Enough of "Wall street, Eblis was amazed. To find that paper promises and brags. Could work such wonders, — fact, was almost dazed, To learn that gold could rival find in rags ; He 'gan to think that Wall street " beat Old Nick," In conjuring devilment by " going on tick." All this, of course, to Eblis gave great pleasure, It was refreshing quite and he'd report it ; His sire would be delighted when he'd leisure, To look into it as he'd fully note it; And then in cheating. Wall street wasn't alone. He would look further on amongst his own. 42 Pbince Eblis. He'd see the traffickers in other callings ; Would see what sordid Gain could do elsewhere ; How Greed and Cant could stand each other's maul- ings, The field to work was rich beyond compare; In fact, 'twas time to much extend his sphere, If he'd improve the chance of his visit here. He'd see some smaller "Wall street where temptation Didn't strive the conscience thus to tear and rend ; Would learn if anywhere in all Creation, There was much conscience where gain was the end ; And passing Fulton Market with this thought. He stopp'd forthwith — here was the chance he sought. Right by his side a fruit-stall spread its treasures, Rich with the products of all lands and climes ; The smaller fruits displayed in tiny measures. In pyramidal heaps the larger kinds ; Of these, the apples were by far most plenty, The dealer a nice girl, perhaps near twenty. Simple she seem'd as modestly her look. Responded to a lady visitor's soft tone; Her face so fair that one could hardly brook, That in her bosom guile was ever known ; "Apples," the lady called for, and her hand Sought a small pyramid upon the stand. WALL STKEET DOINGS. Cheating in Small Matters. 45 The devil soon saw in that nice pile a cheat ! It was a stack of pippins hard and small, Yet thatched all over with a roof quite neat, Of better fruit to make this pass for all; The white hand 'gan to dig beneath the pile, The ladj watching it silently meanwhile. The devil could scarcely credit his own eyes, The fruit was heap'd anew so trim and well; So fair to the sight that great was his surprise. To find the quiet customer rebel : " I shall not take your apples, you're a fraud !" The girl not wincing at a charge so broad. As Eblis look'd around, 'twas all the same ; E'en children seem'd well taught in the same school. And quite unconscious that a jot of blame, Attached to acts their patrons to befool, — The apple dealer feeling no remorse. Had borne the lady's charge as a matter of course ! So back on Broadway Eblis roved again. Past plate-glass windows rich with shawls and laces, The street a panorama filled amain, "With brilliant equipages and pretty faces ; Where lusty manhood paced its little hour Of bliss, to stumble and be seen no more. 46 Pkince Eblis. But what anew surprised him, — nay, astounded ! Even in times so stringent as of late, A something which all old ideas confounded, Of profit on investments at some rate — The world of merchandise seem'd up " for cost," And " less " than that — such was each vendor's boast. And when one " bursted," bankrupted, " went under," And simple souls began to feel some pitj The chiefest evidence of loss of plunder. Was some new equipage to stun the city; Perhaps an opera-box for the next season, A yacht, or trifles lilie these — " all in reason ! " The devil was puzzled quite with what he saw In these extremes of Grothamite society ; And if he scann'd that complication — law. He found amusement even to satiety; On all sides " catching flies " 'twas plain to see. It let "the hornets" mostly go quite "free!" 'Twas " compromise," for instance, with those public robbers. Who, " brought to grief," could only part disgorge ; The Judges of the Courts e'en turning jobbers. In felony to let thieves run at large; " Plate sin with gold " — of course all know the rest, So oft illustrated as to make it a test. " Law " AND ITS Dealings. 47 Some bolder rogues, of law in utter scorn, A bank would rob, grab thousands at a dash, And when the startled losers the next morn Went almost mad at their great loss of cash, — The Police summon'd, they with looks quite wise, Would straight suggest, with the rogues a " compro- mise." Say half a million had been stolen thus. The style o' the job showing whose skill was task'd, "All could be had safe back without any fuss. For, say, one-third, and the pledge — no questions ask'd ;" Perhaps a month would hardly pass away When the thieves' " turn out " would amaze Broadway. And this going on, whilst day by day " the law " Would seize on wretches for some petty crime, Perhaps for stealing an old axe, or saw, A hat, or shoes, or stale loaf worth a dime ; And then what righteous indignation shone, As justice immured him in its walls of stone. CHAPTER IV. The Bed of Procrustes — Eblis and the Shark — An Old Definition of Patriotism — The Question of a Hell — Fate and Fortune — ' Blunders of the Human Race — The Sage of Athens and Man of TJz, The next thing seen by Eblis was a " Strike ;"* Because, since Eden, sweat's been drawn too freely, But in the wish that all should fare alike, Their mode seem'd a Procrustean measure really ; " Eight hours per day, and pay at equal rates," Of course makes even, " light " and " heavy weights." A " botch," or shirk, being thus far " short '' was " stretched ;" A " skill'd ' thus " taller " cut off very short ; The lazy and industrious would have fetched. The same wage thus when tried at labor's mart ; And more — no single one must work at all, No matter if starvation was the thrall ! *See Note F. Eblis and the Shark. 49 So much impossible, — yet thousands strove. To make a fight upon that basis pay; And seeking sympathy through the streets they rove, Their banners bravely flouting the dull day; Alack ! how coldly turns the world aside, As onward flows that vast tumultuous tide. Poor fellows ! — e'en the devil felt their case. The sport of circumstances they couldn't control ; What strong prerogatives has "Wealth in the race, For careless comfort, that great earthly goal : How " luck " beguiles as men strive for't in vain, One of life's hardest problems to explain. Then there's the " sharks !" par excellence the sharks ! The dry old skinflints known as " Cent per Cents ;' Who prey on misery and from whom all sparks? Of pity have died out in ash and stench; Young Eblis called on one of these to claim Relationship^ so next announced his name. "Well, yes; I'm glad to see so true a friend; You want some money ! well it's hard to get ; I haven't any myself which I can lend. But then I know a friend who may it let ; How much must you have ? it's very hard to get !" Parroting these words — " it's very hard to get." 50 Prince Eblis. Young Eblis wasn't in want, but "fast and loose," He thought he'd have some fun in "playing" the creature. For he himself was far from such a goose, As not to see the "shark" in everj feature: At last old Gripus brought some dirtj "rags," Pretending they were from his friend — Mons. Money- bags. " 'Twas hard to get, he must have cent, per cent. : I knew your father: yes, I knew your brother; I could but oblige ye, so my time I've spent. To serve one just as I would serve the other; — " — The imp, in terror, fled from such a moke. For fear he'd break his sire at one fell stroke. Of "Patriotism," so much young Eblis heard, He felt quite curious one may be sure ; When orators so deeply the populace stirred, He thought the inspiration must be pure: But soon found that as a primary condition. There might be something in an old definition. An ancient sage, deep in word meaning lore, Was ask'd to state " what Patriotism is ? " Eoused by this query put by a constant bore, He gave a pithy answer to the quiz : "Patriotism!" — he roar'd — with voice much like a " groundswell," "Patriotism, sir, is the last refuge of a scoundrel!" The Question of a Hell. 51 That may not be good rhymej it is good sense, Since demagogues so often win high station, Getting their places bj some bald pretense Of patriotism to shame us as a nation; They crawl in slime to points they could not soar, The m-asses, their partisans, duping o'er and o'er. One of the marvels of the time, he found. Was bold denial of there being a Hell, Supported by fancies more or less profound, Of thousands, self persuaded 'twas a " sell ; " " No rogue," he thought, " e'er felt the halter draw. Retaining good oj^inion of the law." Here he soliloquized — "If the fools could tell. How each a part of my domain he carried, In his own bosom bearing his own hell When by its conscience each bad life is harried — They might approximate what they'll never know, Until the worst may meet the worst, below." The cry — " No Hell ! " to him was the best thing out ! The ancient creed had help'd stop emigration: But with no check upon the downward route, No fear of aught when yielding to temptation — To crime, he'd look now for a large accession, From those who made of villainy a profession. 52 Prince Eblis. As matters stood, the gallows had little terror, To anj wretch — 'twas but the "gate to glory," To all who took it, and a mere vulgar error, To think that murderers, nathless grim and gorj, Could not, for the time, be made as " white as snow," By those whose business 'twas to " put 'em through ! " So some had tried to cheat him of his prey, "Whilst others denied his " personality " long ago ; And now comes Canon Farrar with his say. Denying him his domain in toto; The queerest thing of all is — not one knows, A single step that way beyond his nose. Busy, as proverbially the devil has been. In walking "to and fro" the earth all o'er. To meddle in matters quite beyond our ken. Such as to smite "just" Job with boils full sore, The earth more rife with deviltry these days, Needs subs of his to post him in its ways. And so young Eblis found himself again. Scanning the doings of our civilization. Looking around to see if that refrain. Chanted so loud, of "progress" is the occasion For humbug infinite in various guise, To strike all quiet lookers-on with surprise. Blunders of the Human Race. 53 Noting more closely than had been his wont, The endless blunders of the human race, " Blunders '" being worse than crimes to bear the brunt Of untold suffering in almost every case — The imp, more charitable than at the beginning, Found numbers vast " more sinned against than sin- ning." What's Fate ? what Fortune ? Who so wise can tell ? Yet these have vassals had from earliest ages; Most men are victims to some horrid "sell," Even those reputed as earth's greatest sages; How came the sage of Athens by a dame, H?r name, for her kind, the devil's own synonym ? He said, " to teach him patience ! " — what a reason ! — More an excuse for being badly fooled, — No man wants prodding in and out of season, No matter to what ends he may be schooled ; Job fared no better, for besides his boils, His wife tormented him when in Satan's toils. Covered with sores so that he couldn't lie Or sit in peace, his stately dame drew near, — Told him to " Curse his Maker, and then die ! " Such was the comfort she vouchsafed him there; The man of Uz, like him of Athens, later. Could scarce avoid that fate — a " woman hater." 54 Pkince Eblis. They'd blunder'd : — then those " blunders worse than crimes," Fruitful of sorrows which can never cease, Blunders, which to the victim seem at times, Worse than " the Shirt of Kessus " to his peace, — Blunders in Love, in Friendship, even in Hate, With but Remorse for which to compensate. That gift of Dejanira's — what a blunder! And yet a gift in love, beyond all doubt; So, who at times is not quite given to wonder. How even his best intentions may "pan out;" " The devil is in it ! " is the forced exclamation, To afford poor blundering mortals consolation. The Conquerors of the world were ruined by blunders. The Macedonian, Roman, Corsican — all. They took no heed when Fate gave warning thunders, But plunged right onward to their final fall ; The devil, of course, misled them o'er and o'er, As he duped Mother Eve so long before. CHAPTER Y. Lies and their Variety — Trapping for Souls — Trutli, Savage and Civilized — Honesty, Barbarian and Christian. Of "sins" young Eblis found as dark as night, The sin of lying marked all "good society," Since Christendom beats Heathendom out of sight. In every shade and shadow of variety ; For class'd as "peccadillos," and no worse, Of Christian civilization it seems the curse. Lies are they of all kinds, of Business ; Fashion ; Lies of Politeness ; Wantonness ; of Crime ; Sometimes the church, whilst it doth lay the lash on All sin, with zeal which reaches the sublime, Has stucco'd front to cheat each passer-by With show of stone, to all, of course, a lie. 56 Peince Eblis. Those fibs of the elect : those Plymouth dreamings, Avouched by oaths, no stronger ever heard, The outside world aghast stood at such seemings : Of those who assumed so much to "revere the Word ;" Who were the liars, though, will ne'er be known, 'Till that Great Day when each his lies must own. The business lie, from calicoes to laces. The lie of fashion, that cool " 'Not at home !" The lie polite, which, while with smiling faces. Welcoming each visitor as in they come. In secret, wishes e'en Old ]^ick might seize 'em, So that such callers may no longer tease 'em. In trapping souls, the sharpest scheme of all. To catch the wariest as in a snare. Deadlier than jungle-corral, or pitfall. Which make the cautious elephant beware — Is one so glaring that it seems amazing, That any soul is caught that is worth saving. The hunter knows that when he traps for beaver. Or mink, or otter, that he is most boggled When with the oldsters he would play deceiver, — That youthful rodents are most easily gobbled : In the case in hand the devil has had his way, Until men — "best and oldest" — are his prey. Tkapping fok Souls. 67 For taxes, the law must an " assessment " make ; That is the trap ; — and next must come the " list ;" And next, the assessed his solemn oath must take, The value 's " correct," e'en though poor conscience twist ; For "custom" sanctions that a wholesale lie, To show a jparfs the whole, may truth defy ! The piano, worth three hundred, put at " one ;" The elegant furniture worth one thousand, "four ;" The carriage, six hundred, it not long has run. Put it at " two," or even somewhat lower ; Fix these and other items so that you May pay a moiety of what's really due. Both sides conniving at this formal cheat, Participants in what is all untrue. Ah ! what a reckoning myriads must meet When all this "shuffling" is brought to view; Well might the devil, as he scann'd these matters Eegard complacently his hosts of trappers. So cheap are oaths ! — ^how cheaper still are souls I God, from his throne call'd witness to such fraud ; Why, that beats China, as it surely moulds A nation to a course of lies so broad ; A soul in the scale weighed 'gainst the grimy dollar. The heathen world might laugh at cheat so hollow. 58 Peince Eblis. A witness on the stand, in case of crime, How closely follows all of truth he knows ; Though some poor wretch's life be at the time In peril, where his words are cruel blows ; He a " high . duty " must perform, and so Straight to the scaffold dooms the man to go. But touch his pocket, all the nerves there end. Too oftentimes which give him conscious life; Each God-given faculty subject to it lend A furious strength to make all gain, hot strife j What wonder such forget they have a soul, Or peril it readily for the paltriest dole. In short, young Eblis found what in despair, A French philosopher called " one grand deception," That half the world was bent on making fair The false, to cheat the rest beyond conception ; That shams the millions got up too for gold. Whilst other millions by these shams were sold. 'Twas in this mood that on one pleasant eve. Young Eblis dropp'd in on a mission meeting, Where speeches showed how Christian souls did grieve O'er heathen wickedness 'mid sighs and weeping : Where first one speaker and anon, another, Implored for aid to convert his heathen brother. Teuth, Savage and Civilized. 59 But midst all this young Eblis silent noted A venerable and weather-beaten wight, Who in the outset neither spoke nor voted On any scheme that came up on that night; But listening patiently to each objurgation On heathen wickedness, begg'd some slight attention. He said that truthfulness was the great mark. The great distinction of a noble nation — At least it should be — and no stain so dark Could lie 'gainst any as e'en mere evasion; But — grief to say — the heathen were more true, As, by their leave, he would proceed to show. At this the Prince cried " Hear ! Hear! " English fashion, But recollected that would never do ; And soon 'twas proved, for with no little passion, The Keverend Chairman looking black and blue. Came down upon him with an angry greeting, And threat of " Police " for " disturbing the meeting." The ancient traveller kept on his narration — He said that "sojourning in his younger days, Upon our frontiers with a tribe or nation Of savages, he came to know their ways ; "Whilst there, report came of a fight and murder, At point remote upon that far off border. 60 Pkince Eblis. " The Government Agent, all alert to arrest An absent Ch,ief, suspected at the time, Started two "runners" at a pace their best, To bring him back to answer for the crime : After some days gone by, they reappear — * Well ! where's the man you chased ? why isn't he here ? ' " ''He said he didnH do it P — so we came, To state the fact as from his lips we had it; Of course, "we knew if he had been to blame For murder, or aught else, he would have said it ; He would disdain'd his life to save by a lie, A rule of his tribe as it has been alway !' "And so it was — the white man stood reproved. For that his people couldn't have stood the test, For when some days elapsed the crime was proved. Another chieftain having the crime confest — The ofi&cial thought of all the tricks to confuse The Courts of Law, to save guilt from its dues. " True were they long ago," the ancient said, " Before our people lies as legacies gave : It's possible that now they are as bad As even ourselveSj who purpose them to save ! True were they, not unlike another nation, O'er whom we pride ourselves for our Christianization. HONESTY, BAEBARIAN AND CHRISTIAN. Honesty, Baebabian and Cheistian. 63 " It's years a many, since as a castaway Of a wreck' d ship I stood upon the shore ; Amongst some Turks who'd dragg'd us from the spray And surf to give us life and strength once more ; And having saved some lading for us besides, Had piled it on the beach beyond the tides. " A village near, its Moslem ruler said, 'We've done all possible; now let us go Where you'll be comfortable, and warm'd and fed, Try to forget all loss and present wo ;' At this, the Yankee Captain raised his eyes — 'Who'll guard these goods, meanwhile, from being a prize V *' ' Why Allah save you !' — was the Turk's reply, 'You needn't fear aught from any of us here, Your goods, un watched, are safe, and will be — why ? JVo Christian lives 'm a hundred miles of here : ' "* The venerable.* sat down, suppressed applause Greeting him, followed by a doleful pause. At this, and lest he might offend right here. Young Eblis sought again the open air. For he had come to have a wholesome fear. Lest plaudits given might cause him trouble there ; Incog', anathematized, as if the air he tainted, He knew he " wasn't so black as he is painted." * See Note G. CHAPTER yi. A Broadway Procession — Want, and its Avengers — " The Devil to Pay " — The Prince at the Capital — Windmills — The Ins and the Outs — The Statue, its Significance^The Monu- ment. Following again that boulevard, Broadway, He found himself one of a vast procession, Which, without music, flags, or such display, Seem'd of that promenade to have possession; The saddest sight to the whole earth e'er known, Which Luna casts her pitying glance upon. It was the ceaseless flitting of young girls. Fair as the fairest, hundreds of them were ; Yet homeless, friendless, reckless midst the whirls Of surging life which swept on tireless there: Faces were there which once might angels grace, Where but despair had left its deepest trace. " Passing By on the Other Side." 65 No "Lotos Club" had they the entree to, Although, to them, of all the thousands round. Should come forgetfulness to veil their wo, To hide from them the furthest gulf profound, Which waits their steps as vanishing from sight — They seek the shelter of oblivion's night. Yet on all sides who dared take action here? Who termed " respectable," could pity show ? Who lap'd in Fortune's smile had sigh or tear. For wo so palpable to each one's view : How "priests and Levites " all, with hurried stride, Discreetly " passed by on the other side !" Yet " God is merciful," the good book says. More merciful than man, we fain would add, And m the trust that "His are not men's ways," The consolation comes for all that's bad : There is no "shuffling" at His awful bar. For things not made right here are righted there. Amidst these changing scenes from day to day. Of reckless cost or want which men would hide. Midst the wild rush for lucre or display, A shadowy host moved by on every side : Fearful, mysterious, on their errands bent, They were the Avengers on dread missions sent. 66 Pjbince Eblis. From out the thousand subterranean dens, Where darkness, dampness and fierce Want lie hidden, From streets, plague-stricken, poverty in pens, Contrast with wealth, each foul disease seem'd bidden : From lowest haunts they came like vapors creeping, On Fashion's avenues their appointments keeping. For when they mounted to the gorgeous place, Where prodigal display had made its home, When fever-smitten Dives must " turn his face," Like prince of old, " to the wall," to meet his doom — Who could not see the Avenger's pi^esence there, Proud Luxury brooded o'er by dark Despair. They were indeed avengers, for when Pride, And cold l^eglect, and Scorn had done their best, To build each lazar-house: — and when beside. Dire Want, Disease and Death had bred foul Pest, Why hope to keep such enemy in bound, Destined as 'twas to prey on all around. The devil saw " compensation " in this all,* That here his sire's investments paid him well; For when a follower "dwelt in marble hall," Consigning his tenants to an earthly hell. Such Five Points owner, up town, at his ease, Forgetting Retribution, forgot Disease. * See Note H. The "Law of Compensation." 67 All did not see this, but young Eblis did, And sometimes felt like mentioning the obligation. But finally concluded that instead, He'd let the Reverend Spikes serve the occasion ; He told them in a very straight sort of way, " Not mending, there would be the devil to pay." Of course, to mind this they were not such fools ; They'd '•' played it short " so often " on the street," That on "long time" 'tweren't much to pawn their souls, When this pledge they might not be called to meet ; And so young Eblis yet stroll'd round " on 'Change," And of Fifth Avenue still had the range. The imp got tired of doing the amenities, The place was nearer right than he dared hope; On all sides he had found his sire's afiinities. And Annexation seem'd now but a joke ; For if there was aught true in the situation, 'Twas annexed already beyond disputation. Next as a diplomat, with no mark'd rank or station, No written credentials from his sire at home, The Prince must look in on the Capital of the nation. Incog', of course, not wanting honors shown His " house," or " dynasty," though well he knew, Of partisans or clients there were not a few. 68 Prince Eblis, Resolving and Performance going hand in hand, He found himself ere long the Capitol viewing, In* presence of the " Wisdom of the Land," Their arms like arms of other windmills going, As each arraigned the other for venality, Corruption, extravagance, and all rascality. To hear them talk, one would suppose, of course, The " other side " were naught but harpies, surely. That every opponent was but a curse To the people, who had trusted them too truly; But " Buncombe," he learned, caused gab upon these matters. Where Truth and Rhetoric oft came out in tatters. For, after all, as near as he could con it, 'Twas a great battle 'twixt the " ins " and " outs ;" Other and minor issues turning on it, 'Twas sure to leave the losers in the pouts; The winners, au contraire, sleek and happy, guess, "l!^othing is so successful as success." Outside, he look'd aloft to see a figure Posted atop of that majestic dome, Black! was it really a colossal n-gg-r. Its back turned spitefully on its Southern home? Is Freedom black that as an African she's painted, Or was Emancipation thus indicated? THE PKINCE AT THE CAPITAIj, Thb Mojsument. 71 And then to turn her back upon the city, Upon that vista once so bright to view, The FreedmarCs Bank I and so on, more's the pitj, That sculptor sculptured " better than he knew ;" Alas, for Afric and that statue symbolical, A reminder something worse than diabolical. In sauntering round, the devil came on that pile, ,To prove a nation's grateful heart is tender; A failure vast on which the world might smile, Especially when Spread Eagleism "gets on a bender ;" Illustrating only penuriousness most hateful. It shows indeed "Republics are ungrateful." Thank Heaven, the Father of his Country doesn't it need, To prove his name and deeds immortal here, The nation needs it though, because whilst greed Holds sway complete in the Nation's Capitol near. The centuries hence may know how true's the adage, " The father's sour grapes have set the children's teeth on edge." That was a stumbling measure — 'tis confest; But then the lesson it bore could not be spared. And that takes precedence always, for when prest, In this true chronicle, if rhyme fares hard. Reason at least is bound to have her way, No matter who or what may her gainsay. CHAPTER Vll. The True " Third Estate "—The Prince a Lobbyist— Overreached — Mushroom Display — Secretary Subsidy's Levee — Jenkins on the same — " Rings," and their Import. In glancing further, statesmanship to learn, He found the "Third Estate" to be the Lobby; A sharp, unscrupulous corps who watch'd each turn For those who'd win the race for their own hobby ; An ass, gold-laden, Macedonia's king Found, in most cases, to be just the thing. And though King Philip had no " mails Pacific, — " 'No "railroad subsidies" or "grabs" of treasure, The way he carried matters was terrific, If to corrupt a city was his pleasure ; And yet in stealing towns and States of Greece, Our " rings " have beaten him in the art — to fleece. OVERREACHED. The Feince a Lobbyist. 75 Scotch Tom could beat King Philip and " give odds," The Keystone State could Macedonia " skin ! " For what with "railroad rings" and other "jobs," Where senatorial honors are to win, The sharpest Greeks that e'er outwitted Fersian, Would for our rings but serve as mere diversion. To one of these the imp was introduced, Credited with "influence in a certain quarter;" His good looks help'd him and his chum produced Proof that his tongue could run as smooth as water, And — to the imp — the "pool" to make him win it,, Asseverated roundly — " there's millions in it ! " The Prince a lobbyist was thus made at once. And for the " Wisdom " straightway " spread him- self;" But sad to say, he proved himself a dunce. Compared to his confreres in the race for pelf; They "beat the devil" in all sorts of "makes," And wouldn't " divide " when they had won the stakes. The imp had learned a deal in all this time. Was rounding his accomplishments to a turn; At least he thought so, and cared not a dime So that of life in the Metropolis he might learn : But bothered at last to ken each scurvy trick, Was driven to doubt his kinship to Old Nick ! 76 Pkince Eblis. He turn'd from these to note the swift career Of those who sudden climb to highest places, And found that scores of those arriving there, Came up from the provinces the poorest cases; Men who their board -bills couldn't liquidate, In a year or two would be living quite " in State ! " Levees, grand dinners, straight would stun society. The cost of which no fellow could unravel; Palatial grandeur, luxury in variety, Would shut the mouths of all who else might cavil ; The cost of flowers alone would be the pay, Yearly, perhaps, of the lord of this display. And then, outside, to scan the avenues. Were equipages quite royal as they lumber'd, Of these same lords of display, titled parvenus, Their "liveried" contrabands, gold lace encumber'd; With buttons like pewter dollars, the gorgeous flunkies Look'd down on all their race like grinning monkeys. The Devil reflected— Was this sneaking love For regal pomp innate in all mankind ? Was nothing here to make men rise above The vices of the Old World,— left behind ? Is nothing left for the chiefest but to ape The puerile follies of each foreign state ? * * See Note I. MUSHROOM ARISTOCEACY. Seceetaey Subsidy's Levee. 79 It must be owned, not much ; since one idea, Which, dominates all else, is, that display Should signalize the entering a career. As "public servants" even on small pay; A wild expenditure made by chiefs of State, The neediest must try to imitate. Take an example from one grand " reception," When Fashion's flies buzz round some foolish dame. Some woman whose small brain has no conception Of what should constitute her husband's fame; Led a wild danco for that stale prize — notoriety, The rock on which they split, is — "best society!" The Daily Claqueur sends its chief chronicler, Jenk- ins, To dance attendance betimes to get the story; And what by pumping waiters, nods and winkings, Manages to picture it in all its glory; Exhausting all such terms as "brilliant," "gorgeous," What is't but " gush " describing Fashion's orgies ! As how? At Secretary Subsidy's late levee. There was a grand display of the best society; There was MrSo General Porapanoosuck, with a bevy Of beauties richly dressed in vast variety; Mrs. Subsidy, tho lady of the Secretary, shone, The star in the centre of that glittering zone. 80 Prince Eblis. The Misses King and Subsidy "assisted;" Their graces lent new charms to the occasion; And every thing that wealth and taste enlisted, Made it worthy the Capital of this mighty nation ; Mrs. Secretary's dress was satin, and her diamonds, Worthy the Queen of one of Sinbad's islands. The Honorable Mr. Tweedledum was there, His noble brow and presence quite a feature; And Mrs. T. with high "Patrician" air. And Doctor Softky the well known " star preacher ;" Other distinguGs shone in perfect crowds, Whilst belles in laces floated by in clouds. The Army and the l^avy show'd their best— The Civil Service wasn't without its quota, — The Honorables Pinering, Frumenti, et als^ from the West, Shot by in the dance as if from " Keeley's motor ; " The Diplomatic Corps in full attendance — The whole form'd a coup d^ceil of rich remembrance. A few distinguished names he couldn't but note, Amongst the foreign element there present « For one he'd mention Baron Banquerote, Of noble bearing and of mien most pleasant; To study finance here, he's taken the notion, Comparing ours with that across the ocean. JS^^DJr^'.V^u.ua^ a>-.jJr