_^± ALL AT SEA; OR, A MOKPTnTCPS TKOUBLES. AN ORIGINAL COMEDIETTA IN ONE ACT. BY HARRY GEEY FISKE, GEORGE VANDENHOFF, Jr., and CHARLES L. BURNHAM. New York: DICK & FITZGERALD, PUBLISHERS. Popular iiooks sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. AMATEUR THEATRICALS. ■All the plays in the following excellent books are especially de- signed for Amateur performance. The majority of them are in one act and one scene, and may be represented in any moderate- sized parlor, without much preparation of costume or scenery. Burton's Amateur Actor. A complete guide to Private Theat- ricals; giving plain directions for arranging, decorating and lighting the St;ige; with "rules and suggestions for mounting, rehearsing and perform- ing "ail kinds of Plays, Parlor Pantomimes and Shadow Pantomimes. Illus- trat ed with numerous engravings, and including a selection of original Plays, with Prologues, Epilogues, etc. JGino, illuminated paper cover 30 cts. Pound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cts. Parlor Theatricals; or, Winter Evenings' Entertainment. Containing Acting Proverbs, Dramatic Charades, Drawing-Koom Panto- mimes, a Musical Burlesque and an amusing Farce, with instructions for Amateurs. Illustrated with engravings. Paper covers 30 Cts. Bound in boards, cloth back.... 50 CtS. Howard's Book of Drawing-Room Theatricals. A collec- tion of twelve short and amusing plays. Some of the plays are adapted fol performers of one sex only. 1 86 pages, paper covers 30 cts. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cts. Hudson's Private Theatricals. A collection of fourteen humor- ous plays. Four of these plays are adapted for performance by males only, and three are for females. 180 pages, paper covers 30 CtS Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 cts. Nugent's Burlesque and Musical Acting Charades. Con- taining ten Charades, all indifferent styles, two of which are easy and effec- tive Comic Parlor Operas, with Music'aiid Piano-forte Accompaniments. 176 pages, paper covers 30 Cts. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Cts. Frost's Dramatic Proverbs and Charades. Containing eleven Proverbs and fifteen Charades, some of which are for Dramatic Performance, and others arranged for Tableaux Vivants. 176 pages, paper covers. 30 CtS. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cts. Frost's Parlor Acting Charades. These twelve excellent and original Charades are arranged as short parlor Comedies and Farces, full of brilliant repartee and amusing situations. 182 pages, paper covers. .30 cts. Illuminated boards 50 Cts. Frost's Book of Tableaux and Shadow Pantomimes. A collection of Tableaux Vivants and Shadow Pantomimes, with stage in- • structions for Costuming, Grouping, etc. 180 pages, paper covers. .30 CtS. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cts. Frost's Amateur Theatricals. A collection of eight original plays ;_ all short, amusing and new. 180 pages, paper covers .30 cts. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cts. WE WILL SEND A CATALOGUE containing a complete list of all the pieces in each of the above books, together with the number of male and female characters in each play, to any per- son who will send us their address. Send for one. DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, Box 2973. NJEW YORK. ALL AT SEA; A MORNING'S TROUBLES. AN ORIGINAL COMEDIETTA IN ONE ACT. BY HAEEY GKEY FISKE, GEOEGE VANDENHOFF, Jr., and CHAELES L. BUENHAM. DICK & FITZGERALD, PUBLISHERS, New Y o r k . r/P Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1879, by DICK k FITZGERALD, In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C. TMP92-009352 ALL AT SEA; OK, A MOKNING'S TROUBLES. AN ORIGINAL. COMEDIETTA, IN ONE ACT. By HARRY GREY FISKE, GEORGE YANDENHOFF, Jr., AND CHAS. L. BUBNHAM. Costumes.— Mayne: undress naval uniform, white cap. Somas: dark morning dress. Grills: white waiter's jacket, duck browsers, red vest, large collar and flowing tie, white linen shoes, red crop-wig. Mas. Somebs: muslin morning dress. Rose Leigh: the same as Mbs. Somebs. CHARACTERS. Lieut. Harey Mayne, U. S. N. I Me. John Somees. Bkutus Pizakeo Getlls. I Mes. Somebs. Hose Leigh. SCENE. — Parlor of a Hotel; doors e. and l. Grills discovered dusting furniture. Geills. Dust, dust, dust ! And the more I dust, the more dust I make ! A nice occupation this for a man of my talents and abilities. To think that I, instead of responding to the en- thusiastic shouts and calls of appreciative multitudes at Niblo's, am compelled to trudge Tip flight after flight of stairs in a • to the ring of impatient and insatiable boarders, who little dream of tho latent genius and histrionic talent which lie dormant in the breast of Brutus Pizarro Grills, the unappreciated man-of- all-work at the Atlantic Hotel. Two years ago last Fourth of July, I became, for the first time, aware of the heaven-given powers which slumbered in my manly bosom, and was inspired With a wild and unquenchable longing for dramatic laurels. To many managers have I offered my invaluable talents, at the very lowest, in tact, I may Bay, at "hard-pan" terms; but, alas ! blind to their own interests, one and all condemned me unheard, and Copyright, 1875, by pjcii & Fiizgeeald. •8 ALL AT SEA. as one can't live on water and air, I -was compelled to accept em- ployment of a sort far from congenial to my poetic nature. I have little time at present to indulge in flights of fancy, for the house is filled with guests whose wants are unceasing. Even to-day more arrivals are expected, but it seems that I have a few moments to myself. There's no one near, the coast is clear, and how can I better employ this umisual opportunity than by giv- ing vent to my pent-up longings, and running over one of my favorite characters ? ( With exaggerated action and emphasis.) " I am thy father's spirit, Doomed for a certain term to walk the night. But that I am forbid To tell the secret of my prison-house, I could a tale unfold, whose lightest word Would harrow up thy soul; freeze thy young blood; Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres; Thy knotted and. combined locks to part, And each particular hair to stand on end, Like quills upon the fretful porcupine. If thou didst ever thy dear father love, List, list, oh, list ! — " Voice {without). Grills ! Grills. 'Twas ever thus ! I must dissemble ! {a bell rings vio- lently). ' ' 1 go, and it is done — The bell invites me. Hear it not, Duncan, for 'tis a knell That summons thee to heaven or to hell !" [Exit, it. Grills {outside). This way, sir, this way ! That'll be all right. Miter Grills with satchel, followed by Lieut. Mayne. Your room is No. 65, sir. Shall I show you to it, sir ? Mayne. Not at present; you may take up my luggage. Grills. That'll be all right, sir ! \_Kxit, L. Mayne. Well, here I am at Wells. How surprised Kose will be to see me. Strange that Mr. Somers' party should have left the city without telling me of their intended departure. I saw them not a week before they left, yet nothing of the sort was men- tioned. That the subject was intentionally avoided I am quite certain. Could this have been Kose's own idea, or was it on ac- count of a growing coldness. I have recently noticed in her brother-in-law, Somers? That Mrs. Somers likes me I know; that Bose has no aversion to me — I hope. How utterly I am in love with that girl, and in so short a time, too ! I, who have vis- ited all quarters of the earth, and have seen the most beautiful women, of every nation, and have been entirely indifferent to all their charms and fascinations, at last become a ready captive to a young girl fresh from school, and am j>repared, at the slightest ALL AT SEA. l J encouragement from her, to strike my flag, and yield uncondi- tional surrender. Luckily, having met an intimate friend of the family yesterday in the city, I learned that they were spending the season here — and, as a natural consequence, here I ani. (glancing at his watch.) There is still some time before dinner; perhaps I may catch a glimpse of them. Ah I Fortune iu\ ore me, for, as 1 live, here comes Eose herself. Enter Hose, e. Eose. Can it be possible ! Lieutenant Mayne ! Mayne. He and no other. Congratulate me, Miss Leigh, on having procured an extension of my furlough, which enables me to escape from the heat of the city for a few weeks. Eose. I do congratulate you most heartily. What a pleasant surprise your arrival will be to Kitty and Mr. Somers ! But how came you to fix on such a quiet spot as this to spend the remain- der of your leave of absence ? Mayne. Can you not guess ? Eose {shyly). How could I ? Mayxe. I learned yesterday that you were here, and that knowledge at once settled in my mind any hesitation that I might have had as to where I should go. You must know that— Enter 'Chills, r. Grills. Hem ! Beg pardon, miss, Mr. and Mrs. Somers are waiting for you on the piazza. Eose. Ask them to step in here, please. Grills. That'll be all right, miss. [Exit Gellls, e. Eose (confusedly). You can't imagine how — how surprised they will be to see you, and — ■ Mayne. I am sure I shall be charmed to meet them again. Enter Me. and Mes. Somers, e. Mrs. Somers. Ah ! my dear Lieutenant ! You dear, delight- ful man, how glad we all are to see you ! When did you arrive? Why didn't you send word you were coming ? How long do you intend to remain? Jack, Jack dear, here's the Lieutenant; don't you see the Lieutenant, Jack dear ? Mayne (advancing hand). How are you, Somers ? Somers (coklly). How do you do, sir? (to Mes. S.) My dear, I am going out for a smoke. Eose, can I speak with you a mo- ment? Eose. Certainly. [Exit Eose and Me. S., e. Mayne. Your husband seems charmed to see me. The cor- diality of his reception was quite marked. Mrs. Somees. You mustn't mind Jack's manner. You know at times he is quite'brusque without meaning to give offence. 10 ALL AT SEA. Mayne. I am afraid, however, that it does mean something in the present instance, as I have for some time past noticed a cold- ness on Mr. Homers' part which occasionally approaches open dislike. I am all the more sorry for this as I can think of no way in which I have given him offence, and I confess I wish his friendship for very particular reasons. Yon must have seen, Mrs. Somers, that I have become strongly interested in your sis- ter; in fact, I love her dearly. I have never hinted this to her, and am not at all sure that my feelings meet with a response. If, in this state of affairs, I incur the dislike of your husband, I most certainly do not benefit my cause. May I hope,_my dear madame, that I still retain your good opinion, and that I can rely on your friendship to aid me with Eose ? Mes. Somees. My dear Lieutenant, I am charmed, I am more than delighted. Though but a poor diplomatist, I feel quite sure I can help you. You certainly have my best wishes and heartiest sympathies. Mayne {taking her hand). I thank you, oh, so much ! How good you are ! I knew I could rely upon you, and now, with your valuable assistance (enter Someks, e. , unseen) I must succeed. {kisses her hand.) I must leave you and arrange my toilet for dinner. Good-by for the present. [Exit, l. Somees (advancing). What the devil has brought him here? Perhaps you kindly invited him ? Mes. Somees. Why, my dear, what is the matter? I am not aware of ever having mentioned this place to the Lieutenant. Was both surprised and delighted to see him. But you seemed very cool; so much so that he remarked it. Surely you were not sorry to see him ? Somees. But I was. I do not like the fellow, and you know it, and, I really believe, are trying to annoy me. He is a conceited puppy, and if the women here are such idiots as I suspect they will be in his regard, by Heaven ! my family shall not follow their pretty example, and you, madame, will kindly bear this in mind. Mes. Somees. Why, Jack, what is the matter ? I don't under- stand you at all. Somees. You don't wish to understand me ! The fellow is a good-for-nothing dog, whose reputation, as you know, is none of the best. Mes. Somees. Why, Jack, you once told me you thought him agreeable, gentlemanly — Somees (interrupting). Yes, that's the deuce of it, he's too con- foundedly agreeable and gentlemanly ! I can't imagine for what reason you evince such an interest in him ! Mes. Somees (confused). Oh, I have no interest — I mean, no reason in the world. He's pleasant, and his society is agreeable to Eose. Somees (aside). Trying to put it off on Eose. (aloud.) Well, my ALL AT SEA. 11 dear, you know I dislike him, and you must not feel offended if I don't go into ecstasies over your naval exquisite. Mi;-.. you arc greatly niistaken. Lieutenant Mayne is not the unprincipled fellow you would have us 1 ■ him, but a true, honorable gentleman, and you know it ! Somees. Mrs. S., I don't know it ! and I wish you to under- stand, madame, I will not be spoken to in that manner, (strid- ing about.) Mrs. Somees. I will speak, sir, just as I see fit, and if you don't like it — why, then you needn't. Somees (in a dignified tone). Mrs. Somers, are you aware to whom you are addressing such language ? I, ma'am, am your husband, and as such should command your respect and con- sideration. Miter Grills, l., unseen, vMh duster. Mp.s. Somees. When my husband is in his senses, and is capa- ble of talking sanely, I should be pleased to see him. Till he arrives at such a desirable state of mind, I will leave him to his pleasant reflections and cogitations ! {Flounces off, k. Grills. Ha ! Methinks I smell gore ! Somees. Who the devil are you ? Grills (aside). I must dissemble, (aloud.) I, sir, am Brutus Pizarro Grills, man-of-all-work. But that'll be all right, sir, that'll be all right. {ExHJt, l. Somees. Here's a pretty arrangement. Just as I have got everything pleasantly fixed here, down comes this infernal fel- low. My wife seems devilish interested in him. A dissipated, worthless dog, but wdth a great reputation among the women. That's always the way. Let a man be regarded as dangerous, and he becomes a lion among the ladies at once. What 'makes this affair still more unpleasant for me is, that I must leave here to- morrow on important business, wdiich will detain me for several days, and Heaven only knows what may take place during ray absence. If there were only some one here whom I could trust, and who would inform me of whatever may take place while I am away. Ha! the man-of-all-work who was just here ! He will have ample opportunity to observe everything, and I can surely make it worth his while to be faithful to my interests. Ill try him. (catting him, off l.) Here, you, Pills, Squills, or whatever your name is. Enter Grills, l. Grills. Yes, sir. Grills, sir. Somees (mysteriously). Grills, I have an offer to make you, which, if you accept it, will be greatly to your advantage, while at the same time you will aid me. Grills (aside). Great Heavens ! My fondest hopes are about to be realized, and I shall become famous. This is evidently 12 ALL AT SEA. some manager, who, having heard of my extraordinary talents, has come here for the purpose of engaging me. I must dis- semble, (aloud.) Sir, I am all ears. Somees. Can you bo discreet ? G-eills. The grave is not more silent, more secure than I. Be- hold in me a modern Sphynx. I'm as deaf as a post and as dumb as an oyster when occasion requires. Name the task. Be it for weal or be it for woe, I am here to do your lordship's noble bidding. Somees (impatiently). Enough of this rot ! I need your assist- ance. Your duties will not be arduous, while your pay shall be generous. I must, of course, take you into my confidence. You saw the gentleman who left this room a few minutes since ? Geills. I did, sir. Somees. Well, I dislike him, and firmly believe him to be my enemy, bent upon the destruction of my peace of mind. I wish only to be certain, then I will crush him as I would a snake. Do you understand me ? Don't stand there like an animated wooden figure or a grinning ape! What I require of you is to watch him and my wife, and report to me any conversation be- tween them you may by any means overhear. Can I rely upon you ? Geills. You can, sir. The combined tortures of the Inquisition would not wrest from me this awful secret. Somees. Very well. Here is the first installment of your reward, (holding out bank-notes.) Be faithful, and you will not regret your bargain. Geills. Ha! Ha! 1 ' Shall we now contaminate our fingers With base bribes, and sell the mighty space of our large honors For so much trash as may be grasped thus? I'd rather be a dog and bay the moon Than such a — " Somees (interrupting). Oh, very well. Since you have so many conscientious scruples in regard to taking the money, I will— Geills. Yet stay! I will receive thy shekels; (aside) for I'm thundering hard up. (takes bills from Soccers.) "Oh, what a fall of Grills was there, my countrymen !" Somees. Have a care ! If you betray me I shall readily find means to punish you. [Exit Someks, l. Geills. "Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I !" But for the pressing, wants of genius I had not stooped to such base uses. Yet the die is cast ! The gold I gain from this old man will start me on .the road to fame and fortune. What, do my eyes deceive me ? As I live, there goes the base knave who I am to watch with the lady now, no doubt for a quiet stroll. Ha! Item first for the old gent, (writing in note-book.) Soon by my discoveries the damning chain of guilt will be complete. The ALL AT SEA. 13 enraged husband enters upon the scene — insult — challenge— surgeon — pistols — husband victorious — vice crushed — forg ive- ness and happy reunion of mollified husband and erring wife! Quite good material for a five-act drama. With this dross which I will earn by my participation in this business, I shall be enabled to throw up the degrading situation I now occupy, and aided by that powerful ally gold, obtain an engagement at the Globe. Once given the opportunity, my transcendent genius must and will show itself, and Brutus Pizarro Grills will imme- diately become one of the brightest meteors among the many stars of the dramatic firmament. He will, by Jupiter ! I must control myself, or the thought of the brilliant future before me will drive me crazy with delight. Ha ! A footstep ! The vulture approaches with his tender prey fast in his clutches. I must watch them. Where, oh, where is there a hiding-place? Behind this chair? No, it may be moved! Hold, under this table; from there I can observe all that passes. ' ' Why do I creep thus stealthily along, With trembling steps? Am I not arm'd by Heaven To execute it's mandate ? And shall I falter now, While every moment that he breathes may crush Some life else happy ?" They're here. I must dissemble ! (gets under table.) Enter Mes. Somees and Mayne, e. Mes. Somees. We've had a charming stroll, have we not, Lieutenant ? Mayne. Charming indeed, and all the pleasanter for me that I perceive you so heartily sympathize with all my hopes and plans. Ah! if I only might know that my love was returned, what an entirely happy man I should be. Geills (protruding head from under table, aside). I wish they'd speak louder. He's talking of love, (writing in note-book.) Mes. Somees. Well, my dear Lieutenant, why don't you seek an interview and ask the all-important question ? I am sure you will not fail. Gbells. Item : (writes) she does not repulse him. Mayne. I wish to Heaven I could feel as sure. This, with me, is no mere idle fancy, but an overpowering passion, which affects the whole happiness of my life. Should my love not be returned — Mes. Somees. But it is returned. Of that I am certain, though I suppose I ought not to tell you so. Geells (aside). I should think she hadn't. His love re- turned ! (writing.) Mayne. Mrs. Somers, you inspire me with fresh life and hope. But even if, as you say, I am beloved, your husband may ob- ject. Geills (aside). I think likely he may ! 14 ALL AT SEA. Maitste. If his opposition be strong— Geills (aside). I'll swear it will ! Mes. Somees. Oil, never mind my husband ! In some tilings lie is a goose. I am bound up heart and soul in your plans, and if worse comes to worst, I would even connive at an elope- ment. Geills (aside). Great Heavens ! The plot thickens. Mes. Somees. Now I must leave you, as I have something to do for Jack. Matne. My most grateful thanks go with you. If possible, I will see her alone to-day. Mes. Somees. Do so. You have my best wishes. An revoir. [Exit Mes. Somees, l. Matne. Yes, I will shake off this fear and hesitation that heretofore have overpowered me. I'll seek Rose at once, and learn my fate this very day. [Exit Mayne, e. Geills (coming from under table). Ye gods ! The old man's head is more level than I at first suspected. I have news indeed for him. Enter Somees, l. Somees. The more I think of this confounded business, the more annoyed I am. (discovering Grills). Ah ! Grills ! at your work. Geills. Aye, sir, and at yours, too. ' ' I can a tale unfold whose lightest word will harrow up thy soul — " Somees. What, have you made a discovery already? What is it, man? Geills. Calm yourself, and be prepared for the worst ! Are your nerves braced to meet — Somees. What in Heaven's name do you mean ? If you possess an atom of brain — speak ! Geills. Sir, I almost fear — yet why shrink from the inevitable ? Know, sir, that your suspicions, far from being unjust, were cor- rect in every particular. He loves, and is loved ! Somees. Then you have seen Mayne and — Geills. And your wife, and have listened to a conversation which will ever affect my trust in woman, my belief in man's honor. Somees. Oh, hang your comments ! I'm in no mood to listen to such trash. What 'have you heard or seen? Geills. Your wife and Lieutenant Mayne came in after a walk which seemed to have been particularly pleasantto both. He was most devoted, pressed her hand, swore undying love, which she met with an affection equally as ardent, and after many expressions of regret at the cruel fate which separates them — planned an elopement. Somees. You heard this ?— and she — oh, my God ! This is too much | Oh, Kitty, Kitty, I loved you so ! Curse him for a ALL AT SEA. 15 sneaking villain, his blood shall avcngo this orael wrong. Curse him ! Curse him ! Grills. By all the gods of love and war, I am undone. The old man is off his chump, and will surely do mischief, if not murder. What an ass I was, not to ask him for security ! for now I may never be paid. But I will follow him, and perhap secure "that which is but mine own." [Kelt hastily, l. Enter Rose and Mayne, e. He hands her to chair. She sits. Bose. What a funny idea of yours to imagine I was making a secret of our intended departure from the city. I really int to speak of it, but you so interested me with that exciting ac- count of your adventures in the Chinese village, that I quite forgot everything else, and when I awoke to my immediate surroundings, I found it an awfully late hour, and so I sent you home. Mayne. No, indeed. If you remember, it was I that first made the discovery of the dreadful lateness of the hour by referring to my watch, and out of the generosity of my self-sacrificing nature, I went out into the darkness. Bose. Poor man! How great of you. Your sex is so proverb- ially selfish, that such an unusual instance of self-denial should ba spread throughout the world. Mayne. Seriously, it did cost me an effort to go. But, Miss Leigh, I have sought this interview to speak on a subject which concerns my whole happiness. Y/ith you it rests to decide whether I leave here to-cfay a hopeless, aimless, miserable wretch, or remain here the happiest of mortals. Bose (shyly). Bests with me? I am sure I don't wish to do anything to make you unhappy. Mayne. Since the first time I met you, some few months ago, your image has been constantly before me. When absent from you, I have seemed only to exist — not to live ; when with you, I have been in an atmosphere of almost perfect happiness, which I feared to disturb by speaking. Oh, Bose ! can you not see I love you — love you with a passion that defies my most ardent attempts to express it? You have become my guide— my aspi- ration — -my hope. Without you, life would be for me a blank, and I should care nothing for what the future might bring forth ; with you by my side I can dare and do all things. You are silent ! Can I have mistaken your feelings, and do you care nothing for me? Bose, my darling, can you love me? Bose {impulsively). Can I ? Don't you know I do 1 Mayne (embracing her). My own love ! Can it be possible that such happiness is mine, or shall I presently awake to find it only another of the delusive dreams that I have so often indulged in? Bose. Yes, Harry, it is quite real. If my love can make you happy, you have my whole heart, But are you sure that you love lne'eo much ? 16 ALL AT SEA. Mayne. Sure? Certain as that I breathe — a thousand times more than I can ever tell you. Only one thing now troubles me in the least. Your brother-in-law, for some reason which I can't guess, has evidently taken a violent dislike to me. Whether this is on account of my attentions to you or not, I can't say. At all events, he will not favor my suit, and as he is your guard- ian, that will be anything but pleasant. Hose. He certainly was not pleased with your coming here; that I noticed. Mayne. Perhaps Mr. Somers dislikes me because of my past life, which has, I frankly confess, been somewhat wild and reck- less. But, darling, all this is a thing of the past. The future is in my own hands, and I know very soon, with your aid, I shall become a model man in every respect. At present, I am rather in the rough; but I am not, believe me, without possibilities, as you shall see. Eose. Don't imagine, dear, your past can ever mar my future happiness. I willingly forget and forgive any follies you may have committed, for I know you'll be true now. Mayne (embraces her). Thank you, darling; the world's vices and I have now nothing in common. .1 shall live but for you, my chief object your happiness. Enter Mes. Somees, l. Mes. Somees. Oh, the brute ! Oh, the vile, wicked monster ! I hate him ! oh, how I hate him ! And he, the old villain, pre- tending to be jealous of me, who loved him so. 'Twas only a cloak for his own wickedness. Oh ! if I had her here I'd— I'd— Eose. ) wha{ . ig the matter ? MAYNE. \ Eose. Dear Kitty, are you ill? "Who is this brute, villain, monster, and everything else that is bad ? Mayne. And who is "she?" Pray explain ! Mes. Somees. I'm a deceived, broken-hearted woman; but I won't stand it — I shall leave him and go — Eose. For Heaven's sake, sister, calm yourself, and tell us your trouble. Perhaps we can help you. Mes. Somees. There can be no heir). But there — the world will know it, so you might as well hear the first report. Ha, ha, ha! (hysterically.) Eead the glaring proof of his infidelity, and then take me somewhere — anywhere away from him. I never want to see his wicked,' deceitful face again, (handing Eose letter.) Eose. Listen, Harry; what can this mean? (reading.) "Dear Jack: Yours received. I have fulfilled your instruc- tions to the letter. As you expected, I experienced a little diffi- culty. The old man evidently suspected something. I'm happy to say it's all 0, K., and I must congratulate you for a ALL AT SEA. 17 lucky dog. By Jovo ! I'm in love with her myself. A trifle dark, but, ye gods, what style ! Shapely legs, and eyes that look right through you. But I'll spare you further rh; i psodi es. Run down to-morrow and see for yourself; you'll find her at 183 Charles Street. Drop in and see me during the day; I want to hear you rave. Truly yours, Feed. "P. S. — She needs as much care as a baby. You must be tender in dealing with her, for she has lots of spirit. It is for- tunate you've a long purse, for I fancy you'll find her an expen- sive luxury to keep. F." Mes. Somees {with forced calmness). Well, what do you think of that for a specimen ? Ought I not to be proud of so noble, so virtuous a husband ? Mayne. Have you seen Mr. Somers ? Perhaps — Mes. Somees. I tell you I never will see him again. I hate him! Rose. But why not show him the letter ? At least, give him a chance to defend himself. Mes. Somees. I believe you sympathize with him. Every one is against me. I wish I were dead, {sobbing.) Rose. Dearest Kitty, how cruel you are ! I will never desert you. Miter Geells, l. Grills (with bombast). Pardon, my liege and ladies; my lord awaits without, and would fain a word with your ladyship. Mayne. What? Geills (meekly). Mr. Somers would like to see Mrs. Somers. Mes. Somees. I won't go to him — I won't see him ! Geells (aside). Then Mahomet must come to the mountain. Rose (aside to Geells). Tell Mr. Somers to come here. Geills (aside). Ha ! the seeds of dissension sown by my rude hand have taken root, and now I shall hang out my banner on the outer wall, cry, Havoc ! and let slip the dogs of war. [Exit, L. Rose. Oh, Harry dear, do not quarrel with Mr. Somers. He is so vindictive, he'd never forgive you, and that would ruin all and break my heart. Conciliate him for my sake. Mayne. Trust to me, dearest. I never lose my temper. Miter Somees, l., hurriedly followed by Geills. Somees {advancing). I should much prefer, madame, to have seen you alone. I was, perhaps, more considerate of your feel- ings than the occasion warrants, but you have seen fit to oppose me even here. Know, then, that I have discovered all. Omnes. All ! Somees. Yes, all. But you need not fear me. I shall not inter- fere in any way with you. I cast you off. Take what you choose, 18 ALL AT SEA. and never let me set eyes on you again. I wish you much joy with your pretty lover. Mayne (to Eose). Her pretty lover ? Mrs. Somees (sarcastically). Your delicious impudence is decid- edly refreshing. The liberty you so kindly offer I had fully in- tended to take without your permission. You are a villain of the deepest dye, and if I were a man I would kill you. Bose. What mystery is' this? What excuse can you offer for this base insult? Me. Somees. Hose, my dear, forgive me if I seem hard, but I am half crazed. I have made a discovery. Your sister, my wife, has betrayed me, and my curse be upon her and that sneaking villain there. Mayne. By Heaven, sir, this is too much. I, her lover ! Your age alone protects you. I am a man of honor, and you must ex- plain yourself or take the consequences. Somees. You are a consummate villain. My j)roof is here. Grills! Omnes. Grills? Somees. Yes, Grills. You little imagined, madame, that your loving interviews were overheard by one in my employ. You thought me an easily duped fool, whose love for you so blinded him that he could see no wrong in you. Know, then, that Grills, at my instigation, has watched you since that villain's arrival this morning. This faithful fellow overheard Mayne's confession of love for you, your kind reception of it, and finally your plan for an intended elopement. Can you deny this, traitress ? Mes. Somees (starting and turning away). You are as great a fool as villain, I suspect. Mayne. I much regret this unfortunate mistake, but I think I can set matters right. I do love, I admit, not your wife, but her sister, and she has made me happy by loving me in return. I recognized your evident aversion to me, and to insure success secured Mrs. Somers' co-operation, hoping through her to obtain your consent. Our conversation was upon that subject alone, and how that infernal idiot could have made such a blunder, I cannot conceive. Geells (aside). It seems my vaulting ambition hath o'erleaped itself. Somees. Heavens ! How my infernal jealousy has mixed me ! Confound Grills for a stupid fool ! Geiels. Awhile ago I was a " faithful fellow;" now ho curses me, and calls me a fool. Alack and well-a-day ! Somebs. Mayne, I beg your pardon. My darling (to Mes. Somees), can you forgive your jealous old hubby? Mes. Somees. No ! Never ! Your insult and distrust of me were enough — but do you think I will be the weak dupe again I was ! Forgive you, indeed ! Then, your mind satisfied, you will ALL AT SKA. 19 keep your engagement with that vile creature your kind friend has— Somers. What, in Heaven's name — Mes. Somebs {handing him letter). There ! I found it "where you had dropped it. You should be more careful of your tender cor- respondence. Do you recognize it ? Somers {glancing at letter). Ha, ha, ha ! he, he, he ! My dear, we can cry quits — ha, ha ! — for you have made as great a mi as myself. This letter is from my old friend, Brown, and does not relate, as you suppose, to a woman, but to a fine, blooded mare that I desired him, if possible, to buy for me. I intended it as a present for you when you returned home; but since you so positively assert that you cannot forgive me — Oh, dearest, overlook your stupid old husband's absurd blunder, which was caused entirely by his excessive love for you, and let's be happy once more. Mes. Somers {throwing herself into his arms). Oh, Jack ! How wretched I have been ! Somers. And I also; but, thank Heaven, the clouds of mystery and suspicion that enveloped us are dispelled, and I have been taught a good lesson as to the dangers of jealousy. Lieutenant, you say you love Bose and that she has promised to be your wife. All I can say as her guardian is — take her, with my best wishes for your happiness; but beware of jealousy. Mayne. A thousand thanks for your kindness, Mr. Somers; now we are indeed all happy. Grills. Bless you, my children, bless you ! [G-ong sounds. Mayne. Dinner time already, and I confess the events of the morning have sharpened my appetite considerably. But before we go, let us thank our kind friends for their attention to the mistakes and dilemmas of our party, who throughout the morn- ing have been "All at Sea." Grills {looking at audience, then at Mayne). That'll be all right. POSITIONS. Grills. Lieutenant. Kose. Somers. Mrs. Somers. CURTAIN. Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. READINGS AND RECITATIONS. Kavanaugh's Juvenile Speaker. For very Little Boys and Girls. Containing short and easily-learned Speeches and Dialogues, expressly adapted for School Celebrations, .May-Day Festivals and other Children's Entertainments. Embracing one hundred and twenty-three effec- tive pieces. By Mrs. Kussell JKavanaugh. Illuminated paper cover. 30 cts. 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