FRENCH'S ACTING EDITION. No. 34*^ ^^ /y 6015 8 F3 y 1 FANCY FREE Photo by] [Schiin.lt. STANLEY HOUGHTON. Sixpence. AMATEUR FEE. TWU GUINEA^ EACH REPRESENTATION. FANCY FREE PLAYS OF STANLEY HOUGHTON The Dear Departed, 6d, The Younger Generation, is^ Independent Means, is. SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd., 26, Southampton Street, Strand, LONDON. FANCY FREE A FANTASTIC COMEDY IN ONE ACT By STANLEY HOUGHTON Copyright, 1912, by Samuel French, Limited, New York SAMUEL FRENCH Publisher 5S-3Q WEST 38TH STREET- L6ND0N SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 26 SouTHAMPON Street STRAND 'rCY FREE (Alfred kneels on the chair on the other side of the double desk and watches Fancy.) Alfred. I am disappointed in you, Fancy. I knew that I should be disappointed in you some day, but I did not expect it to come so soon. Fancy. My dear Alfred, pray do not forget that this is no ordinary letter. Alfred. It ought not to be so difficult to tell one's husband that one has run away from him. Fancy. But I have had so little experience. I daresay I shall improve with practice. Alfred. How far have you got ? Fancy. Fll read it to you. " Darliag Ethel- bert " Alfred. Stop ! Ought you to call him darling now ? . • Fancy. Why not ? Alfred. A sensitive mind might detect some- thing inappropriate in the adjective. Fancy. I always call him darling when I write to him. I feel sure he would feel hurt if I omitted to do so on this occasion. Besides, I am still very fond of him. Alfred. Perhaps you are right. We cannot too scrupulously avoid wounding him. Fancy (reading). " Darling Ethelbert, " You will be interested to hear that since you went to Scotland on Thursday last I have decided to run away with Alfred. You cannot have for- gotten the promises we made each other on our wedding-day. I am not referring to those we made publich^ during the marriage ceremony, but to our private understanding that each should be entirely free and untrammelled pro- vided that the other's health and comfort was not interfered with. You will understand, there- fore, that in leaving you and going aWay with FANCY FREE 9 Alfred I am doing nothing that is contrary to our agreement. You would have been entitled to complain only if I had insisted on bringing Alfred home with me." That's logic, isn't it ? Alfred. Yes. Feminine logic. Fancy. That is all Ethelbert has any right to expect from me. Alfred. How do you proceed ? Fancy. I don't. That is the diffi.3ulty. Alfred. At any rate, Fancy, you have made it clear to Ethelbert that you have left him. That is all that is essential. You have only to wind up now. Fancy. How ? " Yours faithfully " ? Alfred. Why not " Yours formerly " ? Fancy. But I am afraid that is too abrupt. Ethelbert is so sensitive. I should like to wind up with something kind. Alfred. Let me see. " You will be glad to hear that we are having an awfully jolly time here." Fancy. I doubt whether Ethelbert would be glad to hear it. Alfred. Then something chatty or discursive. " The Cosmopolitan is an exceedingly nice hotel. It contains no fewer than 250 bedrooms, each elabor- ately furnished with all modern conveniences." Fancy. Ethelbert will hardly care for such details. Besides, I do not consider that the Cosmopolitan is such a nice hotel. Alfred. It is an exceedingly expensive one. Let us endeavour to extract as much enjoyment out of it as possible. Fancy. I am sure that I should have preferred the Grand Rendevous. Alfred. The Grand Rendevous is, if possible, still more expensive. Fancy. What does that matter ? Alfred. To you, little or nothing. It is I who have to pay the biH. 10 FANCY FREE Fancy. Alfred, you have the soul of a stockbroker. Alfred. Do not flatter me. I have sometimes hoped I had. Fancy. If I had realized how useless you would be in an emergency, I doubt whether I should have run away with you. Alfred. My dear Fancy, I did not nm away with you in order to conduct your correspondence. You should have advertised for a private secretary. I had hoped to be something more to you than that. Fancy {rising). I shall go to my room. It is quite impossible for me to finish this letter here. Alfred Why ? Fancy. This room is far too crowded. Alfred. This is not a quarrel, I tiTist, Fancy. Fancy. Certainly not. I hope I have too much tact to quarrel with you on the first day of our elope- ment. (Fancy goes to the door with her letter.) Alfred. When may I expect to see you again ? Fancy. The last post goes at midnight. (Fancy ^oes out l. Hardly has she gone than Ethel- bert tomes in r. He is a good-looking, dark man, in evening dress.) Alfred (thunderstruck). Ethelbert ! Ethelbert. Alfred ! Alfred. My dear fellow. Ethelbert. How are you, old chap ? Alfred. What brings you here ? I understood you were travelling on business. Ethelbert. So I am. Extremely private busi- ness. Alfred. How singular that we should meet. Ethelbert. Are you here on business too ?. Alfred. Er — yes. Extremely private business also. FANCY FREE 11 Ethelbert, Come. Let us sit down and talk. (He sits in the armchair R. of the fire.) Alfred. With pleasure. But do not let us talk here. Ethelbert. Why not ? Alfred. This is an exceedingly dull room. Ethelbert. It is a very charming room. Alfred. But I assure you, I have been here quite half an hour, and nothing whatever has happened. Ethelbert. Then we can talk the more comfort- ably. (Alfred sits down reluctantly.) Alfred. Where were you going when you came in here ? Ethelbert. I was looking for the American Bar. Alfred. Excellent ! We will go and look for it together. (He rises.) Ethelbert. Presently. Ther.e is no hurry. (Alfred sits down.) Alfred (yaimiing). Do you know, Ethelbert, I feel I ought to be getting to bed. Ethelbert. Bed ? Why, it is only half -past ten. Alfred. I promised my mother, before she died, that whenever practicable I would be in bed by half- past ten. Ethelbert. But I want to talk to you a bout Fancy. Alfred. About Fancy ! Do you think you ought to talk to me about Fancy ? The relations ofa hus- band and wife should be sacred, surely. Ethelbert. I want to ask your advice, Alfred, I have begun to suspect that Fancy is growing tired of me. Alfred [looking at his imtch). I must positively be in bed before ten o'clock 12 J*ANCY FREE Ethelbert. Why does a woman grow tired of a man .'' Alfred. Because the last post goes at midnight. Ethelbert. No. Because she prefers somebody else. Alfred, (interested) Do you suspect that Fancy is in love with somebody else ? EthFlbert. I do. Alfred. Who is he ? Ethelbert. I have no idea. I wish I had. Alfred. Don't you think you will be much happier if you remain in ignorance ? Ethelbert. Oh, I am not thinking of myself. I am thinking of him. Alfred. Indeed. Ethelbert. Yes. I should like to warn him. Alfred. To warn him ? Ethelbert. I'm afraid she'll be running away with the poor fellow. Alfred (uneasily?). Why do you call him a poor fellow ? Ethelbert. Fancy is so terribly extravagant. She spends money like water, especially when it is not her own. Alfred (unthinkingly). Have you found that out, too ? Ethelbert. Of course I've found it out, and so would you if you had been married to her as long as I have. Candidly, I'm afraid Fancy will run the poor fellow. Alfred. What has that to do with you ? Ethelbert. I hope I am a humane person, Alfred. I would not willingly see my worst enemy reduced to the workhouse, and this poor fellow may be one of my friends. I should be intensely sorry if one of my friends ruined himself for the sake of my wife. I can assure you that she is not worth it. In my experience, very few women are. Alfred. Ethelbert, forgive me if I p^mt out that FANCY FREE 13 you are not looking at this affair in the proper way. Ethelbert. Indeed ? In what way do you con- sider that I ought to look at it ? Alfred. Do you mean to say that 3"ou are not indignant at the idea of another man eloping with your wife ? Ethelbert. Not in the least. Alfred (wannlv). Then you ought to be, that's all. Ethelbert. When I married Fancy we arranged to leave each other absolutely free. I am a gentle- man, Alfred, you would not have me break my word. Alfred. But it is quite inconceivable ! You are without any sense of moral responsibility. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Ethelbert. I very often am. Aren't 3^ou ? Alfred. Certainly not. I regulate my life, I am thankful to say, by a strict rule of conduct, which I observe as closely as possible. If I have lapses, so much the worse. Thev are regrettable, but not un- natural. At any rate, I have the immense consolation of knowing that my principles are not lax, but that I have merely failed to adhere to them for once in a way. Ethelbert. Believe me, Alfred, it is a mistake to have too many principles. Alfred. Why ? Ethelbert. Because if you have too many it is quite impossible to stick to them all. I content my- self with one only. Alfred. What is that ? Ethelbert. Never be a hypacrite. It is an excellent maxim. It permits you to do whatever you please, provided you don't pretend you are not doing it. I advise you to adopt it and to drop all your other principles. Alfred. Do you insinuate that I am a h^-pocrite ? Ethelbert. Not at all. Alfred. Then you are wrong. I am. i4 FANCY FREE Etheleert. Really ? You grow more interest- ing every day. Alfred. JPlease do not flatter me. I am con- scious that I do not deserve it. Ethelbert, your de- plorable views about morality have awakened my conscience. I must conceal the truth from you no longer. Besides, I think it is extremely probable that you would have found it out in any case very shortly. Ethelbert. What do you mean ? Alfred. I knew, all the time, that Fancy was in love with another man. Ethelbert. How ? Alfred. Because I am that other man. Ethelbert. You don't say so. Permit me to offer you my sincere condolences. Alfred. Thank you. (They shake hands gravely.) Ethelbert. How fortunate that I should be able to warn you before it is too late. Alfred. Ethelbert, you must know all. It is too late. I have already run away v^ith your wife. Ethelbert Already ! When did it happen ? Alfred. This morning. Ethelbert. This morning ? Then Alfred. Yes. You are right. Fancy is actually in this hotel at the present moment. Ethelbert. Upon my soul, Alfred, this is most unfriendly of you. Alfred. Go on. I am conscious that I merit all your reproaches. Ethelbert. I call it grossly indehcate to bring Fancy to the very hotel in which I am staying. Alfred. But, hang it all, we did not know that you were staying here. You don't suppose we chose it for that reason, do you ? We thought you were in Scotland. FANCY FREE 15 Ethelbert. Ah, true. I did go to Scotland. I spoke without reflecting. I beg your pardon, Alfred. ' Alfred (politely). Not at all. (A pause.) Ethelbert. Well, and how do you get on with Fancy ? Alfred. I hardly think I am justified in venturing upon an opinion upon such a slight acquaintance. Ethelbert. I wonder if I may presume to offer you some advice ? Alfred. By all means. Ethelbert. If you are going to succeed in manag- ing Fancy you will have to put your foot down at once. i\LFRED. Put my foot down ? Ethelbert. How much have you spent to-day ? Alfred. About seven hundred and fifty pounds. Ethelbert. I thought so. Alfred. Fancy bought a motor-car this afternoon. Ethelbert. She will buy another to-morrow. Alfred. But I can't afford it. How did you succeed in curbing her extravagance ? Ethelbert. I threatened to advertise in the papers that I should not be responsible for any debts contracted by my wife. Alfred. Since she is not my wife I can hardly do that, can I ? Ethelbert. You might advertise that you will not be responsible for any debts contracted by my wife. Alfred. Don't you think that would be a httle pointed ? Ethelbert. Perhaps it would. Alfred. No, Ethelbert, there is only one way out of the difficulty. I will resign Fancy to you. Ethelbert. Not on any account. Alfred (rising). Yes. I cannot allow you to 16 FANCY FRRE outbid me in generosity. I will go and find her and bring her to you. Ethelbert {rising). For Heaven's sake, don't tell my wife I am staying here. Alfred. Why not ? Ethelbert. Because I am not alone. Alfred. Not alone ? Ethelbert. Her name is Delia. Alfred (indignantly). Ethelbert ! Ethelbert. Well, Alfred ? Alfred. You shock me, gravely. Ethelbert. You are very thin-skinned. Have you already forgotten what errand brought you to this hotel ? Alfred {with dignity). There is no reason why you should make my lapse an excuse for your own. Have you thought of your wife ? Ethelbert. She need never know, unless you tell her. Alfred. I thought you said that Fancy and you agreed to leave each other entirely free. Ethelbert. We gave each other our word of honour. Alfred. Then v/hy do you wish to hide the truth from her ? Ethelbert. Fancy is not a gentleman. She is a woman. She does not understand the meaning oi honour. Alfred. You are trifling. I regret to say, Ethelbert, that I shall consider it my duty to inform your wife immediately of the whole deplorable business. Ethelbert. So be it. Far be it from me to try and induie yju to act contrary to the dictates of your conscience. (Fancy comes in l. with a letter.) Fancy. Ethelbert ! r\^CY FREE 17 Ethelbert. Fancy. Fancy. How fortunate 1 I can give you this letter now. That will save a penny stamp. Ethelbert. Thank you. I will destroy the letter. {He tears it and throws it in the fire.) Fancy. Oh, why did you do that ? It took me such a long time to write. Ethelbert. I am already aware of its contents. Fancy. You have told him, Alfred ? Alfred. Yes. Fancy. Then, Etlielbert, may I ask what you are doing here ? I consider it grossly indelicate of you to follow us about like this. You wouldn't like it yourself. Alfred. Ethelbert has not followed us. He has come here for a reason of his own. Fancy. A reason of his own ? Alfred. Yes. How can I tell you ? (.4 pause.) Her name is Delia. Fancy. Oh ! Oh ! Ethelbert, how dare you ? Ethelbert. My dear Fancy, you remember what we arranged. Fancy. I don't care what we arranged. You have had the bad taste to prefer another woman to me. I shall never forgive you. Ethelbert. But Fancy, listen. Fancy. I shall not hsten. I don't want to hear a single word about her. Where did you meet her ? Ethelbert. She was staying at my hotel in Edinburgh. Fancy. That was no reason why you should have spoken to her. Ethelbert. I didn't. She spoke to me. We were sitting at adjoining tables in the Winter Garden. Fancy. She dropped a glove ? A handkerchief ? Ethelbert. How did you know that ? Fancy. Never mind. Ethelbert. Of course I picked it up. Fancy. And what did she say to you ? 18 FANCY FREl^ Ethelbert. She said, " Do you know, you've got the most dehghtfully wicked eyes." That was how it began. (Delia comes in r. She is a tall, gorgeously-drsssei and beautiful wom^n, ivith a miss of red-goli hiir.) Delia (in a fitrv). Really, Bertie, this is too bad. I've been looking for you all over the hotel. Alfred. This, I presume, is the lady in question. Ethelbert. My dear DeUa, I am exceedingly sorry that I have been detained, but this lady is ari old acquaintance of mine. She is, in fact, my wife. Delia. Indeed. (To Fancy.) So you are his wife ? Fancy. As it happens. Delia. I am very glad to meet you, if only to have the opportunity of complaining aboiit the way you have trained your husband. Fancy. I did not train him. Delia. That is, just what I complain about. Under the circumstances I can forgive his leaving me alone in the Lounge of a strange hotel, but his table manners are frankly uncivilized, Do you know that he reads the morning paper during breakfast ? Fancy. He never does so at horne. Delia. You miist not expect to make me beUeve that. FANCY. But it is perfectly true. During break- fast I always read the morning paper myself. Delia. Ah, no doubt in self-defence. Fancy. Not at all. Delia. I suppose one can become inured to any- thing, in time, even to Bertie's light breakfast conversation. Fancy. That shows how superficial your acquaint- ance with Ethelbert is. I like his breakfast conver- sation because he goes on talking without stopping* Consequently, it is not necessary for me to pay any FANCY FREE 19 attention to him, and lean read the morning papar in peace. Ethelbert. This is most unkind of you both. My hght breakfast conversation has always been much admired, especially by ladies. (To Delia.) I am sure you will alter your opinion if you will only do nie the favour, Delia, of listening a little more care- fully to-morrow morning. Fancy. Certainly not., Ethelbert. I beg your pardon ? Fancy. She will have no opportunity of hsteriing fo you more carefully. Ethelbert. Why not ? . Fancy. ^ Because yoii will breakfast with me to- morrow morning. Ethelbert. Oh, very weU, then perhaps you will do me the favour of listening more carefully. Fancy. I fancy that during breakfast to-morrow you will be fully occupied in Ustening to me, for once in a way. I do not think that I shall have sufficient time to say all I wish to say to you to-night. You have provided me with a very fruitful topic. Ethelbert. But, my dear Fancy, I -fear we can hardly pursue it to-night. We both appear to have previous engagements. Delia [to Ethelbert). You Have no previous engagement. Ethelbert. Deha ! Delia. It is cancelled. Ethelbert. You are cruel, Delia. -; Dell\. It is your own fault. How can you expect any self-respecting woman to put up with the treat- ment I have received from vou ? Fancy. May I ask what"' further complaint you have to make about my husband ? Delia. He has no sense of decency. I consider it grossly indehcate of him to bring me to this hotel whilst you are stopping here. I have never been treated in such a manner before. 20 FAXriy FREE Fancy. I think you take a very proper view of the affair. Ethe'bert ought to be thoroughly ashamed of himself. Delia. Good-bye, Bertie. (She holds out her ha: d.) I shall never listen to your light breakfast conversation again. Fancy. And good-bye, Alfred. (She holds out her hand.) My only regret is that I shall never know what your light breakfast conversation is like. Alfred. Don't say that. Fancy. Why shouldn't we all four have breakfast together in the morning ? Delia. No. I am sorry, but I must draw the hne somewhere. Fancy. You are right. You have the most perfect taste. I am beginning to admire you immensely. Good-bye. Delia. Good-bye. Fancy. Good-night, Alfred. Alfred. Good-night, Fancy. Fancy. Come, Ethelbert. (She takes his arm.) Ethelbert (to Delia aw^ Alfred). Good-night. (Fancy and Ethelbert go out l. A pause.) Delia (raising her eyebrows). Well ? Alfred. Well ? Delia. And what do we do now ? Alfred. Would you like some supper ? Delia. No, thanks. (She sits in an armchair by the fire.) You may order me some champagne if you hke. Alfred. Wilhngly. (x\lfred rings an electric bell, and then sits facing Delia in the other armchair. They look straight at each other jar a time.) FANCY FREE. 21 Delia (al length, leaning forward). Do you know, you've got the most delighstfully wicked eyes. Curtain. (This play should he acted with the most perfect seriousness and polish. It should not he played in a spirit of hurlesque. It should he beautifully acted,, beautifully costumed and heauti fully staged.) Printed by Butler & Tanner, Frome avid London, rUE PLAYS OF ALFRED SUTRO, Paper, acting edition, is. 6d, net. Cloth, Library Edition, 25. 6d. net. THE FASCINATING MR. VANDERVELDT. A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS. (Paper only.) THE BARRIER. A PLAY IX FOUR ACTS. (Cloth only.) THE BUILDER OF BRIDGES. ■a A PLAY IN FOUR ACTS. (Cloth only.) THE FIRESCREEN. A PLAY IN FOUR ACTS. (Cloth only.) 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