PR 
 
 3338| 
 
 At 
 
 1869 
 
Glass. 
 Book. 
 
 
 « \ \ 
 
 
H U D I B R A S, 
 
 IN 
 
 1£L 
 
 THREE PARTS, 
 
 WRITTEN IN THE TIME OF 
 
 THE LATE WA RS, 
 
 BY. 
 
 SAMUEL BUTLER, ESQ. 
 
 Reprint of Edition of 1779. 
 
 LONDON: 
 ALEX. MURRAY AND SON, 30, QUEEN SQUARE, W.C. 
 
 *869. 
 

 MURRAY'S REPRINT 
 
 OF 
 
 H U D I B R A S 
 
 Will be found unique and complete as to the Text, having been 
 carefully Edited by 
 
 A. MURRAY. 
 June 25. 
 
HUDIBRAS. 
 
 CANTO I.— Argument. 
 
 Sir Hudibras his passing worth, The manner how he sally'd forth ; 
 
 His arms and equipage are shown, His horse's virtues, and his own. 
 
 Th' adventure of the bear and fiddle Is sung, but breaks off in the middle. 
 
 When civil dudgeon first grew high, 
 
 And men fell out they knew not why ; 
 When hard words, jealousies, and fears Set folks together by the ears, 
 And made them fight, like mad or drunk, For Dame Religion, as for punk, 
 
 Whose honesty they all durst swear for, 
 
 Tho' not a man of them knew wherefore ; 
 
 When gospel-trumpeter, surrounded 
 
 With long-eafd rout, to battle sounded ; 
 And pulpit, drum ecclesiastic, Was beat with fist, instead of a stick : 
 Then did Sir Knight abandon dwelling, And out he rode a colonelling. 
 
 A wight he was whose very sight would 
 
 Entitle him, Mirror of Knighthood ; 
 That never bow'd his stubborn knee To any thing but chivalry ; 
 
 Nor put up blow, but that which laid 
 
 Right Worshipful on shoulder-blade : 
 Chief of domestic knights and errant, Either for chartel or for warrant : 
 
 Great on the bench, great in the saddle, 
 
 That could as well bind o'er as swaddle : 
 Mighty he was at both of these, And styl'd of war as well as peace. 
 (So some rats, of amphibious nature, Are either for the land or water.) 
 But here our authors make a doubt Whether he were more wise or stout. 
 
 Some hold the one, and some the other ; 
 
 But, howsoe'er they make a pother, 
 
 The difference was so small, his brain 
 
 Outweighed his rage but half a grain ; 
 
 Which made some take him for a tool 
 
 That knaves do work with, call'd a Fool. 
 For't has been held by many, that As Montaigne, playing with his cat, 
 
 Complains she thought him but an ass, 
 
 Much more she would Sir Hudibras, 
 (For that's the name our valiant Knight To all his challenges did write) : 
 But they're mistaken very much, ; Tis plain enough he was not such. 
 We grant, altho' he had much wit, H' was very shy of using it ; 
 
 As being loth to wear it out, And therefore bore it not about, 
 
 Unless on holidays, or so, As men their best apparel do. 
 
 1—2 
 
4 HUDIBRAS. part i* 
 
 Beside, 'tis known he could speak Greek As naturally as pigs squeak ; 
 That Latin was no more difficile, Than to a blackbird 'tis to whistle : 
 Being rich in both, he never scanted His bounty unto such as wanted : 
 But much of either would afford To many, that had not one word. 
 
 For Hebrew roots, altho' they're found 
 
 To flourish most in barren ground, 
 He had such plenty as sufficed To make some think him circumcis'd : 
 And truly so he was, perhaps, Not as a proselyte, but for claps. 
 
 He was in logic a great critic, Profoundly skill'd in analytic : 
 
 He could distinguish and divide, A hair 'twixt south and south-west side ; 
 
 On either which he would dispute, 
 
 Confute, change hands, and still confute : 
 He'd undertake to prove, by force Of argument, a man's no horse ; 
 He'd prove a buzzard is no fowl, And that a lord may be an owl, 
 
 A calf an alderman, a goose a justice, 
 
 And rooks committee-men and trustees. 
 He'd run in debt by disputation, And pay with ratiocination. 
 
 All this by syllogism, true In mood and figure, he would do. 
 
 For rhetoric, he could not ope His mouth, but out there flew a trope, 
 And when he happen'd to break off In th' middle of his speech, or cough, 
 H' had hard words ready to shew why, And tell what rules he did it by ; 
 
 Else, when with greatest art he spoke, 
 
 You'd think he talk'd like other folk : 
 For all a rhetorician's rules Teach nothing but to name his tools. 
 
 But, when he pleas'd to shew't, his speech In loftiness of sound was rich ; 
 A Babylonish dialect, Which learned pedants much affect ; 
 
 It was a party-colour'd dress Of patch'd and piebald languages : 
 
 'Twas English cut on Greek and Latin, Like fustian heretofore on sattin. 
 It had an odd promiscuous tone, As if h' had talk'd three parts in one ; 
 
 Which made some think, when he did gabble, 
 
 Th' had heard three labourers of Babel, 
 Or Cerberus himself pronounce A leash of languages at once. 
 
 This he as volubly would vent As if his stock would ne'er be spent ; 
 And truly ta support that charge, He had supplies as vast and large. 
 For he could coin or counterfeit New words, with little or no wit ; 
 
 Words so debas'd and hard, no stone 
 
 Was hard enough to touch them on ; 
 
 And, when with hasty noise he spoke 'em, 
 
 The ignorant for current took 'em ; 
 That had the orator, who once Did fill his mouth with pebble stones 
 
 When he harangu'd, but known his phrase, 
 
 He would have us'd no other ways. 
 In mathematics he was greater Than Tycho Brahe, or Erra Pater : 
 For he, by geometric scale, Could take the size of pots of ale ; 
 
 Resolve by sines and tagents, straight, If bread or butter wanted weight ; 
 And wisely tell what hour o' th' day The clock does strike by algebra. 
 
 Beside he was a shrewd philosopher, 
 
 And had read ev'ry text and gloss over ; 
 Whate'er the crabbed'st author hath, He understood b' implicit faith : 
 Whatever sceptic cou'd enquire for, For every why he had a wherefore ; 
 Knew more than forty of them do As far as words and terms could go. 
 
CANTO I. HUD1BRAS. 5 
 
 All which he understood by rote, And, as occasion served, would quote ; 
 No matter whether right or wrong, They might be either said or sung. 
 His notions fitted things so well, That which was which he could not tell, 
 But oftentimes mistook the one For trr' other, as great clerks have done. 
 He could reduce all things to acts,. And knew their natures by abstracts ; 
 Where entitf- and quiddity, The ghosts of defunct bodies, fly ; 
 
 Where truth in person does appear, 
 
 Like words congeal'd in northern air. 
 He knew whafs what, and that's as high As metaphysic wit can fly. 
 In school-divinity as able As he that hight Irrefragable j 
 
 A second Thomas, or at once To name them all, another Dunce : 
 
 Profound in all the nominal And real ways beyond them all ; 
 
 For he a rope of sand could twist As tough as learned Sorbonist ; 
 
 And weave fine cobwebs, fit for scull That's empty when the moon is full ; 
 Such as take lodgings in a head That 7 s to be let unfurnished, 
 
 He cou'd raise scruples dark and nice And after solve 'em in a trice, 
 As if divinity had catch'd The itch, on purpose to be scratched ; 
 
 Or, like a mountebank, did wound 
 
 And stab herself with doubts profound, 
 Only to show with how small pain The sores of faith are cur'd again ; 
 Altho' by woful proof we find They always leave a scar behind. 
 
 He knew the seat of paradise, Could tell in what degree it lies ; 
 
 And, as he was disposed, could prove it Below the moon, or else above it. 
 What Adam dreamt of, when his bride Came from her closet in his side ; 
 Whither the devil tempted her By a High Dutch interpreter ; 
 
 If either of them had a navel ; Who first made music malleable ; 
 
 Whether the serpent, at the fall, Had cloven feet, or none at all. 
 
 All this, without a gloss or comment, He could unriddle in a moment, 
 
 In proper terms, such as men smatter 
 
 When they throw out and miss the matter. 
 For his religion, it was fit To match his learning and his wit : 
 
 ? Twas Presbyterian true blue, For he was of that stubborn crew 
 
 Of errant saints, whom all men grant To be the true church militant ; 
 Such as do build their faith upon The holy text of pike and gun ; 
 
 Decide all controversies by Infallible artillery ; 
 
 And prove their doctrine orthodox By apostolic blows and knocks ; 
 Call fire and sword, and desolation, A godly thorough reformation, 
 Which always must be carried on, And still be doing, never done ; 
 As if religion were intended For nothing else but to be mended. 
 
 A sect whose chief devotion lies In odd perverse antipathies ; 
 
 In falling out with that or this, And finding somewhat still amiss : 
 
 More peevish, cross, and splenetic, Than dog distract, or monkey sick. 
 
 That with more care keep holiday 
 
 The wrong, than others the right way : 
 ^Compound for sins they are inclin'd tc^V 
 1 By damning those they have no mind to. 
 Still so perverse and opposite, As if they worshiped God for spite. 
 
 The self-same thing they will abhor One way, and long another for. 
 Free-will they one way disavow, Another nothing else allow : 
 
 All piety consists therein In them, in other men all sin. 
 
 Rather than fail, they will defy That which they love most tenderly ; 
 
6 HUDIBRAS. PART r. 
 
 Quarrel with minc'd-pies, and disparage 
 
 Their best and dearest friend plumb-porridge ; 
 Fat pig and goose itself oppose, And blaspheme custard thro' the nose. 
 
 Th' apostles of this fierce religion, 
 
 Like Mahomet's, were ass and widgeon. 
 To whom our Knight, by fast instinct Of wit and temper, Was so link'd, 
 As if hypocrisy and nonsense Had got th' adovvson of his conscience. 
 
 Thus was he gifted and accouter'd, 
 
 We mean on the inside, not the outward ; 
 That next of all we shall discuss ; Then listen, Sirs, it follows thus : 
 His tawny beard was th' equal grace Both of his wisdom and his face ; 
 In cut and die so like a tile, A sudden view it would beguile ; 
 
 The upper part whereof was whey ; The nether orange mix'd with grey. 
 This hairy meteor did denounce The fall of scepters and of crowns : 
 With grisly type did represent Declining age of government ; 
 
 And tell with hieroglyphic spade, 
 
 Its own grave and the state's were made. 
 Like Samson's heart-breakers, it grew In time to make a nation rue ; 
 Tho' it contributed its own fall, To wait upon the public downfal. 
 
 It was monastic, and did grow In holy orders by strict vow ; 
 
 Of rule as sullen and severe, As that of rigid Cordelier : 
 
 'Twas bound to suffer persecution And martyrdom with resolution ; 
 T' oppose itself against the hate And vengeance of th' incensed state, 
 In whose defiance it was worn, Still ready to be pull'd and torn, 
 
 With red-hot irons to be tortur'd, ReviPd, and spit upon, and martyr'd. 
 Maugre all which, 'twas to stand fast, As long as monarchy should last, 
 But, when the state should hap to reel, 'Twas to submit to fatal steel, 
 And fall, as it was consecrate, A sacrifice to fall of state. 
 
 Whose thread of life the fatal sisters 
 
 Did twist together with its whiskers, 
 
 And twine so close, that Time should never, 
 
 In life or death their fortunes sever, 
 But with his rusty sickle mow Both down together at a blow. 
 
 So learned Taliacotius from The brawny part of porter's bum, 
 
 Cut supplemental noses, which Would last as long as parent breech ; 
 But when the date of Nock was out, Off drop'd the sympathetic snout. 
 His back, or rather burden, show'd As if it stoop'd with its own load : 
 For as ^neas bore his sire, Upon his shoulders, thro' the fire, 
 
 Our Knight did bear no less a pack Of his own buttocks on his back : 
 
 Which now had almost got the upper- 
 Hand of his head, for want of crupper. 
 To poise this equally, he bore A paunch of the same bulk before ; 
 
 Which still he had a special care 
 
 To keep well-cramm'd with thrifty fare ; 
 As white-pot, butter-milk, and curds, Such as a country-house affords ; 
 With other victual, which anon We farther shall dilate upon, 
 
 When of his hose we come to treat, 
 
 The cup-board, where he kept his meat. 
 His doublet was of sturdy buff, And tho' not sword- yet cudgel- proof; 
 
 Whereby 'twas fitter for his use, 
 
 Who fear'd no blows but such as bruise. 
 
CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 7 
 
 His breeches were of rugged woollen, 
 
 And had been at the siege of Bullen ; 
 
 To old King Harry so well known, 
 
 Some writers held they were his own. 
 
 Thro' they were lin'd with many a piece 
 
 Of ammunition, bread and cheese, 
 And fat black-puddings, proper food For warriors that delight in blood : 
 For, as we said, he always chose To carry victual in his hose, 
 
 That often tempted rats and mice The ammunition to surprise : 
 
 And when he put a hand but in The one or t' other magazine, 
 
 They stoutly in defence on't stood, 
 
 And from the wounded foe drew blood ; 
 And till th' were storm'd and beaten out, Ne'er left the fortify'd redoubt. 
 
 And tho' knights-errant, as some think, 
 
 Of old did neither eat nor drink 
 Because when thorough desarts vast And regions desolate they pass'd, 
 Where belly-timber, above ground, Or under, was not to be found, 
 
 Unless they grazed, there's not one word Of their provision on record : 
 
 Which made some confidently write, 
 
 They had no stomachs but to fight ; 
 'Tis false : for Arthur wore in hall Round table, like a farthingal, 
 
 On which, with shirts pull'd out behind, 
 
 And eke before, his good knights din'd. 
 
 Though 'twas no table some suppose, 
 
 But a huge pair of round trunk hose, 
 In which he carried as much meat As he and all his knights could eat, 
 
 When, laying by their swords and truncheons, 
 
 They took their breakfasts, or their nuncheons. 
 But let that pass at present, lest We should forget where we digress'd, 
 As learned authors use, to whom We leave it, and to th' purpose come. 
 His puissant sword unto his side, Near his undaunted heart, was ty'd ; 
 
 With basket-hilt, that would hold broth, 
 
 And serve for fight and dinner both : 
 
 In it he melted lead for bullets, 
 
 To shoot at foes, and sometimes pullets ; 
 To whom he bore so fell a grutch, He ne'er gave quarter t' any such. 
 
 The trenchant blade, Toledo trusty, 
 
 For want of fighting was grown rusty. 
 And ate into itself, for lack Of some body to hew and hack. 
 
 The peaceful scabbard where it dwelt The rancour of its edge had felt ; 
 For of the lower end two handful It had devoured, 'twas so manful, 
 And so much scorn'd to lurk in case, As if it durst not shew its face. 
 In many desperate attempts Of warrants, exigents, contempts, 
 
 It had appear'd with courage bolder 
 
 Than Serjeant Bum invading shoulder. 
 Oft had it ta'en possession, And pris'ners too, or made them run. 
 
 This sword a dagger had, his page, That was but little for his age ; 
 And therefore waited on him so, As dwarfs upon knights-errant do. 
 It was a serviceable dudgeon, Either for fighting or for drudging. 
 
 When it had stabb'd, or broke a head, 
 
 It would scrape trenchers, or chip bread ; 
 
8 HUDIBRAS. part i. 
 
 Toast cheese or bacon, tho' it were 
 To bait a mouse-trap, 'twould not care. 
 7 Twould make clean shoes, and in the earth 
 Set leeks and onions, and so forth. 
 It had been 'prentice to a brewer, Where this and more it did endure ; 
 But left the trade, as many more Have lately done on the same score. 
 In th' holsters, at his saddle-bow, Two aged pistols he did stow, 
 
 Among the surplus of such meat As in his hose he could not get. 
 
 These would inveigle rats with th' scent, 
 To forage when the cocks were bent ; 
 And sometimes catch 'em with a snap, As cleverly as th' ablest trap. 
 They were upon hard duty still, And every night stood centinel, 
 
 To guard the magazine i' th' hose 
 From two-legg'd and from four-legg'd foes. 
 Thus clad and fortify'd, Sir Knight, 
 From peaceful home, set forth to fight. 
 But first, with nimble active force, He got on the out-side of his horse; 
 For having but one stirrup ty'd T' his saddle, on the further side, 
 
 It was so short, h' had much ado To reach it with his desp'rate toe : 
 But, after many strains and heaves, He got up to the saddle-eaves, 
 From whence he vaulted into th' seat, 
 With so much vigour, strength and heat, 
 That he had almost tumbled over 
 With his own weight, but did recover, 
 By laying hold on tail and main, Which oft he us'd instead of rein. 
 But, now we talk of mounting steed, Before we further do proceed, 
 It doth behove us to say something 
 Of that which bore our valiant bumkin. 
 The beast was sturdy, large, and tall, 
 With mouth of meal, and eyes of wall ; 
 I would say eye, for h' had but one, As most agree, tho' some say none. 
 He was well stay'd, and in his gate Preserv'd a grave, majestic state. 
 At spur or switch no more he skipt, 
 Or mended pace, when Spaniard whipt : 
 And yet so fiery, he would bound, As if he griev'd to touch the ground ; 
 That Caesar's horse, who, as fame goes, 
 Had corns upon his feet and toes, 
 Was not by half so tender hooft, Nor trod upon the ground so soft. 
 And as that beast would kneel and stoop 
 (Some write) to take his rider up ; 
 So Hudibras his ('tis well known) Would often do to set him down. 
 We shall not need to say what lack Of leather was upon his back ; 
 For that was hidden under pad, 
 And breech of Knight, gall'd full as bad. 
 His strutting ribs on both sides show'd 
 Like furrows he himself had plow'd : 
 For underneath the skirt of pannel, 
 'Twixt every two there was a channel. 
 His draggling tail hung in the dirt, Which on his rider he wou'd flurt 
 Still as his tender side he prick'd 
 With arm'd heel, or with unarm'd kick'd ; 
 
canto I. HUD1BRAS. 9 
 
 For Hudibras wore but one spur, As wisely knowing, could he stir 
 To active trot one side of 's horse, The other wou'd not hang on worse. 
 
 A Squire he had whose name was Ralph, 
 
 That in th' adventure went his half. 
 Though writers, for more stately tone, Do call him Ralpho, 'tis all one : 
 And when we can with metre safe, We'll call him so ; if not plain Raph ; 
 
 (For rhyme the rudder is of verses, 
 
 With which like ships they steer their courses.) 
 An equal stock of wit and valour He had lain in, by birth a tailor. 
 
 The mighty Tyrian Queen, that gain'd, 
 
 With subtle shreds, a tract of land, 
 Did leave it, with a castle fair, To his great ancestor, her heir ; 
 
 From him descended cross-legg'd knights, 
 
 Fam'd for their faith, and warlike fights 
 Against the bloody canibal, Whom they destroy'd both great and small. 
 
 This sturdy Squire, he had, as well 
 
 As the bold Trojan Knight, seen hell, 
 Not with a counterfeited pass Of golden bough, but true gold lace. 
 
 His knowledge was not far behind The knight's, but of another kind, 
 And he another way came by't : Some call it gifts, and some new-light, 
 A lib'ral art, that costs no pains Of study, industry, or brains. 
 
 His wit was sent him, for a token, 
 
 But in the carriage crack'd and broken ; 
 
 Like commendation nine-pence crook'd, 
 
 With — To and from my Love — it look'd. 
 He ne'er consider'd it, as loth To look a gift-horse in the mouth 7 
 
 And very wisely would lay forth No more upon it than 'twas worth ; 
 But as he got it freely, so He spent it frank and freely too : 
 
 IFor saints themselves will sometimes be, 
 Of gifts that cost them nothing, free, 
 By means of this, with hem and cough, Prolongers to enlighten'd stuff, 
 He could deep mysteries unriddle, As easily as thread a needle, 
 
 For as of vagabonds we say, That they are ne'er beside their way ; 
 What e'er men speak by this new light, Still they are sure to be i' th' right. 
 
 'Tis a dark-lanthorn of the spirit, 
 
 Which none see by but those that bear it ; 
 A light that falls down from on high, For spiritual trades to cozen by ; 
 An ignis fatuus that bewitches And leads men into pools and ditches, 
 
 To make them dip themselves, and sound 
 
 For Christendom in dirty pond ; 
 To dive, like wild-fowl, for salvation, And fish to catch regeneration. 
 This light inspires and plays upon The nose of saint, like bagpipe drone, 
 
 And speaks through hollow empty soul, 
 
 As through a trunk, or whisp'ring hole, 
 Such language as no mortal ear But spiritu'l eaves-droppers can hear, 
 So Phcebus, or some friendly muse, Into small poets song infuse, 
 
 Which they at second hand rehearse, 
 
 Thro' reed or bagpipe, verse for verse. 
 Thus Ralph became infallible, As three or four-legg'd oracle, 
 
 The ancient cup, or modern chair, Spoke truth point blank, tho' unaware. 
 For mystic learning, wond'rous able In magic talisman and cabal, 
 
IO HUDIBRAS. part i. 
 
 Whose primitive tradition reaches As far as Adam's first green breeches ; 
 Deep-sighted in intelligences, Ideas, atoms, influences ; 
 
 And much of terra t7icog?iita, Th' intelligible world, could say ; 
 
 A deep occult philosopher, As learned as the wild Irish are, 
 
 Or Sir Agrippa, for profound And solid lying much renown'd ; 
 
 He Anthroposophus, and Floud And Jacob Behemen understood ; 
 
 Knew many an amulet and charm, 
 
 That would do neither good nor harm : 
 In Rosicrucian lore as learned, As he that vere adeptus earned : 
 
 He understood the speech of birds As well as they themselves do words ; 
 
 Could tell what subtlest parrots mean, 
 
 That speak and think contrary clean ; 
 
 What member 'tis of whom they talk 
 
 When they cry Rope, and Walk, knave, walk. 
 He'd extract numbers out of matter, And keep them in a glass like water ; 
 
 Of sovereign power to make men wise ; 
 
 For, drop'd in blear thick-sighted eyes, 
 
 They'd make them see in darkest night, 
 
 Like owls, tho' purblind in the light. 
 By help of these (as he profess'd) He had first matter seen undress'd ; 
 He took her naked all alone, Before one rag of form was on. 
 
 The chaos too he had descry'd, And seen quite thro', or else he ly'd : 
 
 Not that of paste-board, which men shew 
 
 For groats, at fair of Bartholomew ; 
 
 But its great grandsire, first o' th' name, 
 
 Whence that and reformation came, 
 Both cousins-german, and right able T' inveigle and draw in the rabble. 
 But reformation was, some say, O' th' younger house to puppet-play, 
 He could foretel whatsoe'er was By consequence to come to pass. 
 
 As death of great men, alterations, Diseases, battles, inundations ; 
 
 All this without th' eclipse of the sun, Or dreadful comet, he hath done, 
 By inward light, a way as good, And easy to be understood, 
 
 But with more lucky hit than those That use to make the stars depose, 
 
 Like knights o' th' post, and falsely charge 
 
 Upon themselves what others forge, 
 As if they were consenting to All mischiefs in the world men do : 
 
 Or, like the devil, did tempt and sway 'em 
 
 To rogueries, and then betray 'em. 
 
 They'll search a planet's house to know 
 
 Who broke and robb'd a house below ; 
 Examine Venus, and the Moon, Who stole a thimble or a spoon : 
 
 And though they nothing will confess, Yet by their very looks can guess, 
 
 And tell what guilty aspect bodes, 
 
 Who stole and who received the goods. 
 
 They'll question Mars, and by his look, 
 
 Detect who 'twas that nimm'd a cloak : 
 
 Make Mercury confess and 'peach 
 
 Those thieves which he himself did teach, 
 They'll find, i' th' physiognomies O' th' planets, all men's destinies ; 
 Like him that took the doctor's bill, And swallow'd it instead o' th' pill ; 
 Cast the nativity o' th' question, And from positions to be guessed on. 
 
CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. II 
 
 As sure as if they knew the moment 
 
 Of native's birth, tell what will come on't. 
 They'll feel the pulses of the stars, To find out agues, coughs, catarrhs ; 
 And tell what crisis does divine The rot in sheep, or mange in swine ; 
 
 In men what gives or cures the itch, 
 
 What makes them cuckolds, poor or rich ; 
 
 What gains or losses, hangs or saves ; 
 
 What makes men great, what fools or knaves : 
 But not what wise, or only of those The stars (they say) cannot dispose. 
 
 No more than can the astrologians : 
 
 There they say right, and like true Trojans, 
 
 This Ralpho knew, and therefore took 
 
 The other course, of which we spoke. 
 Thus was th' accomplish'd Squire endu'd 
 
 With gifts and knowledge, perilous shrewd. 
 
 Never did trusty Squire with Knight, 
 
 Or Knight with Squire e'er jump more right. 
 Their arms and equipage did fit, As well as virtues, parts, and wit : 
 Their valours too were of a rate, And out they sally' d at the gate. 
 
 Few miles on horseback had they jogged, 
 
 For fortune unto them turn'd dogged ; 
 For they a sad adventure met, Of which anon we mean to treat. 
 
 But ere we venture to unfold Atchievements so resolv'd and bold, 
 
 We should, as learned poets use, Invoke th' assistance of some muse : 
 However critics count it sillier Than jugglers talking to familiar. 
 
 We think 'tis no great matter which ; They're all alike, yet we shall pitch 
 On one that fits our purpose most, Whom therefore thus we do accost. 
 
 Thou that with ale, or viler liquorsp^.... . 
 
 Didst inspire Withers, Pryn, and Vicars, 
 And force them, tho' it was in spite Of nature, and their stars, to write ; 
 Who (as we find in sullen writs, And cross-grain'd works of modern wits) 
 With vanity, opinion, want, The wonder of the ignorant, 
 
 The praises of the author penn'd B' himself, or wit-insuring friend ; 
 The itch of picture in the front, With bays and wicked rhyme upon't, 
 All that is left o' th' forked hill To make men scribble without skill ; 
 Canst make a poet, spite of Fate, And teach all people to translate, 
 Tho' out of languages, in which They understand no part of speech : 
 Assist me but this once, Fmplore, And I shall trouble thee no more. 
 In western clime there is a town, To those that dwell therein well known. 
 
 Therefore there needs no more be said here, 
 
 We unto them refer our reader : 
 For brevity is very good, When w' are, or are not understood. 
 
 To this town people did repair On days of market, or of fair, 
 
 And to crack'd fiddle and hoarse tabor, 
 
 In merriment did trudge and labour. 
 But now a sport more formidable, Had rak'd together village rabble : 
 ? Twas an old way of recreating, Which learned butchers call bear-baiting. 
 A bold advent'rous exercise, With ancient heroes in high prize : 
 
 For authors do affirm it came From Isthmian or Nemean game ; 
 
 Others derive it from the bear That's fix'd in northern hemisphere, 
 And round about the pole does make A circle like a bear at stake, 
 
12 HUDIBRAS. part i. 
 
 That at the chain's end wheels about, And overturns the rabble rout. 
 For after solemn proclamation In the bear's name (as is the fashion 
 According to the law of arms, To keep men from inglorious harms), 
 That none presume to come so near As forty feet of stake of bear ; 
 If any yet be so fool-hardy, T' expose themselves to vain jeopardy, 
 If they come wounded off and lame, No honour's got by such a maim, 
 
 Altho' the bear gain much, b'ing bound 
 
 In honour to make good his ground, 
 When he's engag'd, and takes no notice, If any press upon him, who 'tis ; 
 But lets them know at their own cost, That he intends to keep his post. 
 This to prevent, and other harms, Which always wait on feats of arms, 
 (For in the hurry of the fray, 'Tis hard to keep out of harm's way,) 
 
 Thither the knight his course did steer, 
 
 To keep the peace 'twixt dog and bear ; 
 As he believ'd he was bound to do In conscience and commission too. 
 
 And therefore thus bespoke the Squire : 
 
 We that are wisely mounted higher 
 Than constables in curule wit, When on tribunal bench we sit, 
 
 Like speculators should foresee, From Pharos of authority, 
 
 Portended mischiefs farther than Low proletarian tything-men : 
 
 And therefore being inform'd, by bruit, That dog and bear are to dispute ; 
 For so of late men fighting name, Because they often prove the same : 
 (For where the first does hap to be, The last does coi?icidere) 
 
 Quantum in nobis, have thought good, 
 
 To save th' expence of Christian blood, 
 And try if we by mediation Of treaty and accommodation 
 
 Can end the quarrel, and compose The bloody duel, without blows. 
 Are not our liberties, our lives, The laws, religion, and our wives, 
 
 Enough at once to lie at stake For cov'nant and the cause's sake ; 
 
 But in that quarrel dogs and bears, As well as we, must venture theirs. 
 This feud by Jesuits invented, By evil counsel is fomented ; 
 
 There is a Machiavilian plot, (Tho' ev'ry nare o If act it not) 
 
 And deep design in't to divide The well-affected that confide, 
 
 By setting brother against brother, To claw and curry one another. 
 Have we not enemies pins fatis, That cane et angue pejus hate us ; 
 
 And shall we turn our fangs and claws 
 
 Upon our ownselves, without cause ? 
 That some occult design doth lie In bloody cynarctomachy 
 
 Is plain enough to him that knows 
 
 How saints lead brothers by the nose. 
 I wish myself pseudo-prophet, But sure some mischief will come of it ; 
 Unless by providential wit, Or force we averruncate it. 
 
 For what design what interest, Can beast have to encounter beast ? 
 They fight for no espoused cause, Frail privilege, fundamental laws, 
 Nor for a thorough reformation, Nor covenant nor protestation, 
 
 Nor liberty of consciences, Nor lords nor common ordinances ; 
 
 Nor for the church, nor for churchlands, 
 
 To get them in their own no-hands ; 
 Nor evil counsellors to bring To justice, that seduce the King, 
 
 Nor for the worship of his men, 
 
 Tho' we have done as much for them. 
 
canto I. HUDIBRAS. 13 
 
 Th' Egyptians worshipped dogs, and for Their faith made internecine war. 
 Others ador'd a rat and some For that church suffer'd martyrdom. 
 The Indians fought for the truth Of th' elephant and monkey's tooth ; 
 And many to defend that faith, Fought it out mordicus to death. 
 
 But no beast ever was so slight, For man, as for his god, to fight. 
 
 They have more wit, alas ! and know Themselves and us better than so. 
 But we, who only do infuse The rage in them like boute-feus ; 
 
 'Tis our example that instils In them th ; infection of our ills. 
 
 For as some late philosophers Have well observed, beasts that converse 
 With man take after him, as hogs Get pigs all th' year and bitches dogs. 
 Just so, by our example, cattle Learn to give one another battle. 
 
 We read, in Nero's time, the Heathen, 
 
 When they destroyed the Christian brethren, 
 They sew'dthemin the skins of bears, And then set dogs about their ears: 
 
 From whence, no doubt, the invention came 
 
 Of this lewd Antichristian game. 
 To this, quoth Ralpho, verily The point seems very plain to me : 
 
 It is an Antichristian game, ' Unlawful both in thing and name. 
 
 First, for the name, the word Bear-baiting 
 
 Is carnal, and of man's creating ; 
 For certainly, there's no such word In all the Scripture on record : 
 
 Therefore unlawful and a sin. And so is (secondly the thing ; 
 
 A vile assembly 'tis that can No more be prov'd by Scripture than 
 
 Provincial, classic, national, Mere human-creature cobwebs all. 
 
 Thirdly, it is idolatrous ; For when men run a-whoring thus 
 
 With their inventions, whatsoe'er The thing be, whether dog or bear r 
 It is idolatrous and Pagan, No less than worshipping of Dagon. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, I smell a rat ; Ralpho, thou dost prevaricate : 
 
 For though the thesis which thou lay'st 
 
 Be true ad admussim, as thou say'st ; 
 (For that bear-baiting should appear Jure divino lawfuller 
 
 Than synods are, thou do'st deny, Totidem verbis j so do I) : 
 
 Yet there's a fallacy in this ; For if, by sly komceosis, 
 
 Thou would'st sophistically imply Both are unlawful, I deny. 
 
 And I (quoth Ralpho) do not doubt 
 
 But bear-baiting may be made out 
 In gospel times, as lawful as is Provincial or parochial classis ; 
 
 And that both are so near of kin, And like in all, as well as sin, 
 
 That put 'em in a bag, and shake 'em, 
 
 Your self o' th' sudden would mistake 'em, 
 And not know which is which, unless You measure by their wickedness : 
 
 For 'tis not hard t' imagine whether 
 
 O' th' two is worst, tho' I name neither. 
 Quoth Hudibras, thou offer'st much, But art not able to keep touch. 
 Mira de lente, as 'tis i' th' adage, Id est, to make a leek a cabbage ; 
 Thou wilt at best but suck a bull, Or sheer swine, all cry and no wool : 
 For what can synods have at all, With bear that's analogical ? 
 
 Or what relation has debating Of church-affairs, with bear-baiting 
 
 A just comparison still is Of things ejusdem ge?ieris. 
 
 And then what genus rightly doth Include and comprehend them both ?, 
 If animal, both of us may As justly pass for bears as they : 
 
14 HUD1BRAS. PART I. 
 
 For we are animals no less, Although of different specieses. 
 
 But, Ralpho, this is no fit place Nor time to argue out the case ; 
 
 For now the field is not far off, Where we must give the world a proof 
 Of deeds, not words, and such as suit Another manner of dispute : 
 
 A controversy that affords Actions for arguments not words ; 
 
 Which we must manage at a rate Of prowess and conduct adequate 
 
 To what our place and fame doth promise 
 
 And all the godly expect from us. 
 Nor shall they be deceiv'd, unless W T e're slurred and outed by success : 
 Success, the mark no mortal wit, Or surest hand, can always hit : 
 
 For whatsoe'er we perpetrate, We do but row, we're steered by Fate, 
 Which in success oft disinherits, For spurious causes, noblest merits. 
 Great actions are not always true sons Of great and mighty resolutions : 
 Nor do the bold'st attempts bring forth Events still equal to their worth : 
 But sometimes fail, and in their stead Fortune and cowardice succeed. 
 
 Yet we have no great cause to doubt, 
 
 Our actions still have borne us out ; 
 
 Which tho' th' are known to be so ample, 
 
 We need not copy from example ; 
 We're not the only person durst Attempt this province, nor the first. 
 In northern clime a val'rous knight Did whilom kill his bear in fight, 
 And wound a fiddler : we have both Of these the objects of our wroth, 
 And equal fame and glory from Th' attempt or victory to come. 
 
 ? Tis sung, there is a valiant Mamaluke In foreign land, yclep'd a Luke, 
 
 To whom we have been oft compar'd 
 
 For person, parts, address, and beard ; 
 Both equally reputed stout, And in the same cause both have fought : 
 He oft, in such attempts as these, Came off with glory and success ; 
 Nor will we fail in th' execution, For want of equal resolution, 
 
 /Honour is like a widow, won With brisk attempt and putting on,^ 
 
 With ent'ring manfully and urging ; Not slow approaches, like a virgin. J 
 This said, as yerst the Phrygian knight, 
 
 So ours, with rusty steel did smite 
 His Trojan horse, and just as much He mended pace upon the touch ; 
 
 But from his empty stomach groan'd, 
 
 Just as that hollow beast did sound, 
 
 And angry answer'd from behind, 
 
 With brandish'd tail, and blast of wind. 
 So have I seen, with armed heel, A wight bestride a common- weal, 
 
 While still the more he kick'd and spurr'd, 
 
 The less the sullen jade has stirred. 
 
 CANTO II.— Argument. 
 
 The catalogue and character Of th' enemies best men of war, 
 
 Whom, in a bold harangue, the Knight Defies, and challenges to fight : 
 
 H' encounters Talgol, routs the Bear, And takes the Fiddler prisoner, 
 
 Conveys him to enchanted castle, There shuts him fast in wooden Bastile. 
 
 There was an ancient sage philosopher, 
 That had read Alexander Ross over. 
 
CANTO ii. HUDIBRAS. 15 
 
 And swore the world, as he could prove, 
 
 Was made of fighting and of love ; 
 Just so romances are, for what else Is in them all but love and battles ? 
 
 O' th' first of these w' have no great matter 
 
 To treat of, but a world o' th' latter, 
 In which to do the injured right, We mean, in what concerns just fight. 
 Certes our authors are to blame, For to make some well-sounding name 
 A pattern fit for modern knights To copy out in frays and fights, 
 
 (Like those that a whole street do raze, 
 
 To build a palace in the place ;) 
 They never care how many others They kill, without regard of mothers, 
 
 Or wives, or children, so they can 
 
 Make up some fierce dead-doing man, 
 
 Composed of many ingredient valours, 
 
 Just like the manhood of nine tailors. 
 So a wild Tartar, when he spies A man that's handsome, valiant, wise, 
 If he can kill him, thinks t' inherit His wit, his beauty, and his spirit ; 
 As if just so much he enjoyed As in another is destroyed : 
 
 For when a giant's slain in fight, 
 
 And mow'd o'erthwart, or cleft downright, 
 It is a heavy case, no doubt, A man should have his brains beat out 
 
 Because he's tall, and has large bones, 
 
 As men kill beavers for their stones. 
 But as for our part, we shall tell The naked truth of what befel, 
 
 And as an equal friend to both 
 
 The Knight and Bear, but more to troth, 
 With neither faction shall take part, But give to each his due desert. 
 
 And never coin a formal lie on't, 
 
 To make the knight o'ercome the giant. 
 
 This being profess'd, we've hopes enough, 
 
 And now go on where we left off. 
 They rode, but authors having not Determin'd whether pace or trot, 
 (That is to say, whether tolhitation, As they do term't, or succussation), 
 We leave it, and go on, as now Suppose they did, no matter how : 
 
 Yet some from subtile hints have got Mysterious light, it was a trot. 
 But let that pass : They now begun To spur their living engines on. 
 For as whipp'd tops and bandy'd balls, The learned hold, are animals ; 
 So horses they affirm to be Mere engines made by geometry, 
 
 And were invented first from engines, 
 
 As Indian Britons were from Penguins. 
 
 So let them be, and, as I was saying, 
 
 They their live engines ply'd, not staying 
 
 Until they reached the fatal champain, 
 
 Which th' enemy did then encamp on ; 
 
 The dire Pharsalian plain, where battle 
 
 Was to be wag'd 'twixt puissant cattle, 
 And fierce auxiliary men That came to aid their brethren ; 
 
 Who now began to take the field, As Knight from ridge of steed beheld. 
 For as our modern wits behold, Mounted a pick back on the old, 
 
 Much further off, much further he, Rais'd on his aged beast, could see ; 
 Yet not sufficient to descry All postures of the enemy : 
 
1 6 HUDIBRAS. part i. 
 
 Wherefore he bids the Squire ride further, 
 
 T' observe their numbers and their order ; 
 
 That when their motions he had known, 
 
 He might know how to fit his own. 
 Mean while he stopped his willing steed. To fit himself for martial deed. 
 Both kinds of metal he prepared, Either to give blows or to ward ; 
 Courage and steel, both of great force, Prepaid for better or for worse. 
 
 His death-charged pistols he did fit well, 
 
 Drawn out from life-preserving victual. 
 
 These being prim'd, with force he laboured 
 
 To free's sword from retentive scabbard ; 
 And after many a painful pluck, From rusty durance, he bail'd tuck. 
 
 Then shook himself, to see that prowess 
 
 In scabbard of his arms sat loose ; 
 And rais'd upon his desp'rate foot, On stirrup-side he gaz'd about, 
 
 Portending blood, like blazing star, The beacon of approaching war. 
 Ralpho rode on with no less speed Than Hugo in the forest did ; 
 
 But far more in returning made : For now the foe he had surveyed, 
 
 Ranged, as to him they did appear, 
 
 With van, main battle, wings, and rear. 
 I' th' head of all this warlike rabble, Crowdero marched, expert and able. 
 Instead of trumpet and of drum, That makes the warrior's stomach come, 
 Whose noise whets valour sharp, like beer By thunder turn'd to vinegar ; 
 
 (For if a trumpet sound, or drum beat, 
 
 Who has not a month's mind to combat ?) 
 A squeaking engine he apply'd Unto his neck on north-east side, 
 
 Just where the hangman does dispose, 
 
 To special friends, the knot of noose : 
 
 For 'tis great grace, when statesmen straight 
 
 Dispatch a friend, let others wait. 
 
 His warped ear hung o'er the strings, 
 
 Which was but souse to chitterlings : 
 
 For guts, some write, ere they are sodden, 
 
 Are fit for music, or for pudding : 
 From whence men borrow every kind Of minstrelsy, by string or wind. 
 
 His gristly beard was long and thick, 
 
 With which he strung his fiddle-stick : 
 For he to horse-tail scorn'd to owe For what on his own chin did grow. 
 
 Chiron, the four-legg'd bard, had both 
 
 A beard and tail of his own growth ; 
 And yet by authors 'tis averr'd, He made use only of his beard. 
 
 In Staffordshire, where virtuous worth 
 
 Does raise the minstrelsy, not birth ; 
 
 Where bulls do choose the boldest king, 
 
 And ruler o'er the men of string ; 
 
 (As once in Persia, 'tis said, 
 
 Kings were proclaimed by a horse that neigh'd) 
 He, bravely venturing at a crown, By chance of war was beaten down, 
 And wounded sore : his leg, then broke, Had got a deputy of oak : 
 
 For when a shin in fight is cropp'd, 
 
 The knee with one of timber's propp'd, 
 
CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 17 
 
 Esteemed more honourable than the other, 
 
 And takes place, tho' the younger brother. 
 Next marched to Orsin, famous for Wise conduct and success in war : 
 A skilful leader, stout, severe, Now marshal to the champion bear. 
 
 With truncheon tipp'd with iron head, The warrior to the lists he led ; 
 
 With solemn march and stately pace, 
 
 But far more grave and solemn face. 
 Grave as the Emperor of Pegu, Or Spanish potentate Don Diego. 
 
 This leader was of knowledge great, Either for charge or for retreat. 
 He knew when to fall on pell-mell, To fall back and retreat as well. 
 
 So lawyers, left the bear defendant, 
 
 And plaintiff dog, should make an end on't, 
 Do stave and tail with writs of error, Reserve of judgment, and demurer, 
 
 To let them breathe a while, and then 
 
 Cry Whoop, and set them on again. 
 As Romulus a wolf did rear, So he was dry-nurs'd by a bear, 
 
 That fed him with the purchased prey Of many a fierce and bloody fray ; 
 Bred up, where discipline most rare is, In military Garden- Paris. 
 
 For soldiers heretofore did grow In gardens, just as weeds do now ; 
 Until some splay-foot politicians T' Apollo offer'd up petitions, 
 
 For licensing a new invention Th' had found out of an antique engine, 
 To root out all the weeds that grow In public gardens at a blow, 
 
 And leave th' herbs standing. Quoth Sir Sun, 
 
 My friends, that is not to be done. 
 
 Not done ! quoth statesmen : yes, an't please ye, 
 
 When 'tis once known, you'll say 'tis easy. 
 
 Why then let's know it, quoth Apollo : 
 
 We'll beat a drum, and they'll all follow. 
 
 A drum ! (quoth Phoebus), troth that's true, 
 
 A pretty invention, quaint and new. 
 But though of voice and instrument We are th' undoubted president ; 
 We such loud music do not profess, The devil's master of that office, 
 
 Where it must pass, if 't be a drum, 
 
 He'll sign it with Cler. Pari. Dom. Com. 
 To him apply yourselves, and he Will soon dispatch you for his fee. 
 They did so, but it prov'd so ill, Th' had better let 'em grow there still. 
 But to resume what we discoursing Were on before, that is, stout Orsin. 
 
 That which so oft by sundry writers 
 
 Has been apply'd t' almost all fighters, 
 More justly may b' ascribed to this, Than any other warrior, (viz.) 
 None ever acted both parts bolder, Both of a chieftain and a soldier. 
 He was of great descent, and high For splendour and antiquity, 
 
 And from celestial origin Deriv'd himself in a right line : 
 
 Not as the ancient heroes did, 
 
 Who, that their base births might be hid ; 
 
 (Knowing they were of doubtful gender, 
 
 And that they came in at a windore) 
 
 Made Jupiter himself, and others 
 
 O' th' gods, gallants to their own mothers, 
 
 To get on them a race of champions 
 
 (Of which old Homer first made lampoons) ; 
 
 2 
 
1 8 HUDIBRAS. parti. 
 
 Arctophylax in northern sphere Was his undoubted ancestor : 
 
 From him his great forefathers came, And in all ages bore his name. 
 Learned he was in med'c'nal lore, For by his side a pouch he wore, 
 
 Replete with strange hermetic powder, 
 
 That wounds nine miles point-blank would solder. 
 By skilful chymist, with great cost, Extracted from a rotten post 
 
 But of a heav'nlier influence Than that which mountebanks dispense 
 Tho' by Promethean fire made, As they do quack that drive that trade 
 For, as when slovens do amiss At others doors, by stool or piss. 
 
 The learned write, a red-hot spit B'ing prudently apply'd to it. 
 
 Will convey mischief from the dung Unto the part that did the wrong 
 So this did healing, and as sure As that did mischief this would cure. 
 Thus virtuous Orsin was endu'd With learning, conduct, fortitude. 
 
 Incomparable : And as the prince Of poets, Homer, sung long since 
 A skilful leech is better far Than half a hundred men of war 
 
 So he appeared, and by his skill, No less than dint of sword, could kill 
 The gallant Bruin march'd next him, With visage formidably grim 
 And rugged as a Saracen, Or Turk of Mahomet's own kin 
 
 Clad in a mantle delle guerre Of rough impenetrable fur 
 
 And in his nose like Indian king, He wore, for ornament, a ring 
 
 About his neck a threefold gorget, As rough as trebled leathern target 
 Armed, as heralds cant,and langued, Or as the vulgar say, sharp-fangued 
 
 For as the teeth in beasts of prey- 
 Are swords, with which they fight in fray, 
 So swords in men of war are teeth, Which they do eat their victuals with. 
 He was by birth, some authors write, A Russian, some a Muscovite, 
 And 'mong the Cossacks had been bred, Of whom we in diurnals read, 
 That serve to fill up pages here, As with their bodies ditches there. 
 
 Scrimansky was his cousin-german, 
 
 With whom he serv'd, and fed on vermin. 
 
 And when these fail'd, he'd suck his claws, 
 
 And quarter himself upon his paws. 
 
 And tho' his countrymen, the Huns, 
 
 Did stew their meat between their bums ; 
 
 And th' horses backs o'er which they straddle, 
 
 And every man ate up his saddle : 
 He was not half so nice as they, But ate it raw when't came in's way : 
 He had traced countries far and near, More than Le Blanc the traveller; 
 Who writes, he spous'd in India, Of noble house, a lady gay, 
 
 And got on her a race of worthies, As stout as any upon earth is. 
 
 Full many a fight for him between Talgol and Orsin oft had been ; 
 Each striving to deserve the crown Of a sav'd citizen ; the one 
 
 To guard his bear, the other fought 
 
 To aid his dog ; both made more stout 
 
 By several spurs of neighbourhood, 
 
 Church-fellow-membership, and blood ; 
 But Talgol, mortal foe to cows, Never got ought of him but blows ; 
 Blows, hard and heavy, such as he Had lent, repaid with usury. 
 
 Yet Talgol was of courage stout, And vanquish'd oft'ner than he fought : 
 Inur'd to labour, sweat, and toil, And, like a champion, shone with oil, 
 Right many a widow his keen blade, And many fatherless had made. 
 
CANTO II . HUDIBRA S. 19 
 
 He many a boar and huge dun cow Did, like another Guy, overthrow : 
 But Guy, with him in fight compared, Had like the boar or dun cow far'd. 
 
 With greater troops of sheep h' had fought 
 
 Than Ajax, or bold Don Quixote ; 
 And many a serpent of fell kind, With wings before, and stings behind, 
 
 Subdu'd, as poets say, long agone 
 
 Bold Sir George Saint George did the dragon. 
 Nor engine, nor device polemic, Disease, nor doctor epidemic, 
 
 Though stored with deletery medicines, 
 
 (Which who soever took is dead since) 
 E'er sent so vast a colony To both the under worlds as he ; 
 
 For he was of that noble trade, That demi-gods and heroes made, 
 
 Slaughter, and knocking on the head, 
 
 The trade to which they all were bred ; 
 And is, like others, glorious when 'Tis great and large, but base if mean. 
 The former rides in triumph for it ; The latter in a two-wheel'd chariot, 
 For daring to profane a thing So sacred with vile bungling. 
 
 Next these the brave Magnano came, Magnano, great in martial fame : 
 Yet when with Orsin he wag^d fight ; Tis sung he got but little by 't. 
 Yet he was fierce as forest boar, Whose spoils upon his back he wore, 
 
 As thick as Ajax' seven-fold shield, 
 
 Which o'er his brazen arms he held ; 
 But brass was feeble to resist The fury of his armed fist ; 
 
 Nor could the hardest iron hold out 
 
 Against his blows, but they would through 't. 
 In magic he was deeply read, As he that made the Brazen Head ; 
 
 Profoundly skilled in the black art, As English Merlin for his heart ; 
 But far more skilful in the spheres Than he was at the sieve and sheers. 
 He could transform himself in colour As like the devil as a collier, 
 As like as hypocrites in show Are to true saints, or crow to crow. 
 
 Of warlike engines he was author, 
 
 Devis'd for quick dispatch of slaughter : 
 The cannon, blunderbuss, and saker, He was th' inventor of and maker : 
 The trumpet and the kettle-drum Did both from his invention come. 
 He was the first that e'er did teach To make and how to stop a breach, 
 
 A lance he bore, with iron pike, 
 
 Th' one half would thrust, the other strike ; 
 
 And when their forces he had join'd, 
 
 He scorned to turn his parts behind. 
 
 He Trulla lov'd, Trulla more bright 
 
 Than burnish'd armour of her knight : 
 A bold virago, stout and tall, As Joan of France, or English Moll. 
 
 Thro' perils both of wind and limb, 
 
 Thro' thick and thin she follow'd him, 
 In every adventure h' undertook, And never him or it forsook. 
 
 At breach of wall, or hedge surprise, 
 
 She shared i' th' hazard and the prize. 
 
 At beating quarters up, or forage, 
 
 Behav'd herself with matchless courage. 
 
 And laid about in fight more busily, 
 
 Than th' Amazonian dame Penthesile. 
 
 2 — 2 
 
20 HUDIBRAS. PART I. 
 
 And though some critics here cry Shame, 
 And say our authors are to blame, 
 That (spite of all philosophers, Who hold no females stout but bears ; 
 And heretofore did so abhor That women should pretend to war. 
 
 They would not suffer the stout'st dame To swear by Hercules's name.) 
 Make feeble ladies, in their works, To fight like termagants and Turks ; 
 To lay their native arms aside, Their modesty, and ride astride ; 
 
 To run a-tilt at men, and wield Their naked tools in open field ; 
 
 As stout Armida, bold Thalestris, 
 
 And she that would have been the mistress 
 Of Gondibert ; but he had grace, And rather took a country lass : 
 
 They say, 'tis false without all sense, But of pernicious consequence 
 To government which they suppose Can never be upheld in prose : 
 Strip Nature naked to the skin, You'll find about her no such thing. 
 It may be so, yet what we tell Of Trulla, that's improbable, 
 
 Shall be deposed by those have seen 't, 
 
 Or, what's as good, produc'd in print ; 
 And if they will not take our word, We'll prove it true upon record. 
 The upright Cerdon next advanc'd Of all his race the valiant'st ; 
 
 Cerdon the Great, renown'd in song, Like Herc'les, for repair of wrong; 
 He rais'd the low, and fortify'd The weak against the strongest side : 
 111 has he read, that never hit On him, in muses deathless writ 
 
 He had a weapon keen and fierce, 
 
 That through a bull-hide shield would pierce, 
 
 And cut it in a thousand pieces, 
 
 Tho' tougher than the Knight of Greece his. 
 
 With whom his black-thumb'd ancestor 
 
 Was comerade in the ten years war : 
 For when the restless Greeks sat down So many years before Troy town, 
 
 And were renown'd, as Homer writes, 
 
 For well-sol'd boots, no less than fights, 
 They ow'd that glory only to His ancestor that made them so. 
 
 Fast friend he was to reformation, Until 'twas worn quite out of fashion ; 
 Next rectifier of wry law, And would make three to cure one flaw. 
 
 Learned he was, and could take note, 
 
 Transcribe, collect, translate, and quote. 
 
 But preaching was his chiefest talent, 
 
 Or argument, in which b'ing valiant, 
 He us'd to lay about and stickle, Like ram, or bull, at conventicle : 
 
 For disputants, like rams and bulls, 
 
 Do fight with arms that spring from sculls. 
 Last Colon came, bold man of war, Destin'd to blows by fatal star ; 
 Right expert in command of horse, But cruel, and without remorse. 
 That which of Centaur long ago Was said, and has been wrested to 
 Some other knights, was true of this, He and his horse were of a piece. 
 One spirit did inform them both, The self-same vigour, fury, wroth, 
 Yet he was much the rougher part, And always had a harder heart ; 
 
 Although his horse had been of those 
 
 That fed on man's flesh as fame goes, 
 Strange food for horse ! and, yet, alas, It may be true, for flesh is grass. 
 Sturdy he was, and no less able Than Hercules to clean a stable ; 
 
CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 21 
 
 As great a drover, and as great A critic too, in hog or neat. 
 
 He ripp'd the womb up of his mother, 
 
 Dame Tellus, 'cause she wanted fodder 
 And provender, wherewith to feed Himself and his less cruel steed. 
 It was a question whether he Or^s horse were of a family 
 
 More worshipful : 'till antiquaries 
 
 (After th' had almost por'd out their eyes) 
 Did very learnedly decide The business on the horse's side, 
 
 And prov'd not only horse, but cows, Nay pigs, were of the elder house : 
 
 For beasts, when man was but a piece 
 
 Of earth himself, did th' earth possess. 
 These worthies were the chief that led The combatants, each in the head 
 Of his command, with arms and rage, Ready, and longing to engage. 
 The num'rous rabble was drawn out Of sev'ral counties round about, 
 From villages remote, and shires, Of east and western hemispheres ; 
 
 From foreign parishes and regions, 
 
 Of different manners, speech, religions, 
 
 Came men and mastiffs ; some to fight 
 
 For fame and honour, some for sight. 
 And now the field of death, the lists, Were entered by antagonists, 
 
 And blood was ready to be broach'd, 
 
 When Hudibras in haste approach'd, 
 
 With Squire and weapons, to attack 'em : 
 
 But first thus from his horse bespake 'em. 
 What rage, O Citizens ! what fury Doth you to these dire actions hurry? ' 
 
 What oestrum, what phrenetic mood 
 
 Makes you thus lavish of your blood, 
 
 While the proud Vies your trophies boast, 
 
 And unreveng'd walks ghost ? 
 
 What towns, what garrisons might you With hazard of this blood subdue, 
 Which now ye're bent to throw away In vain untriumphable fray ? 
 
 Shall saints, in civil bloodshed wallow 
 
 Of saints, and let the Cause lie fallow ? 
 
 The Cause, for which we fought and swore 
 
 So boldly, shall we now give o'er ? 
 Then because quarrels still are seen With oaths and swearings to begin, 
 The solemn league and covenant, Will seem a mere God-damn-me rant : 
 
 And we that took it, and have fought, 
 
 As lewd as drunkards that fall out. 
 For as we make war for the King, Against himself, the self-same thing, 
 Some will not stick to swear we do For God and for religion too ; 
 
 For, if bear-baiting we allow, What good can reformation do ? 
 
 The blood and treasure that's laid out 
 
 Is thrown away, and goes for nought. 
 Are these the fruits o' th' protestation, The prototype of reformation, 
 
 Which all the saints, and some, since martyrs, 
 
 Wore in their hats, like wedding-garters, 
 When 'twas resolv'd by either House Six members' quarrel to espouse? 
 
 Did they, for this draw down the rabble, 
 
 With zeal and noises formidable ; 
 And make all cries about the town Join throats to cry the bishops down ? 
 
22 HUDIBRAS. PART I. 
 
 Who, having round begirt the palace, 
 
 (As once a month they do the gallows) 
 
 As members gave the sign about, 
 
 Set up their throats with hideous shout : 
 
 When tinkers bawl'd aloud to settle 
 
 Church-discipline, for patching kettle ; 
 No sow-gelder did blow his horn To geld a cat, but cry'd Reform : 
 
 The oyster-women lock'd their fish up, 
 
 And trudged away to cry No Bishop : 
 
 The mouse-trap men laid save-alls by, 
 
 And 'gainst ev'l counsellors did cry ; 
 
 Botchers left old cloaths in the lurch, 
 
 And fell to turn and patch the church ; 
 Some cry'd the covenant, instead Of pudding-pies and ginger-bread, 
 
 And some for brooms, old boots and shoes, 
 
 BawFd out to purge the Common-house : 
 Instead of kitchen-stuff, some cry, A gospel-preaching ministry ; 
 
 And some for old suits, coats, or cloak, No surplices nor service-book ; 
 A strange harmonious inclination Of all degrees to reformation. 
 
 And is this all ? Is this the end To which these carry'ngs-on did tend ? 
 Hath public faith, like a young heir, For this tak'n up all sorts of ware, 
 
 And run int' ev'ry tradesman's book, 
 
 'Till both turn bankrupts, and are broke ? 
 
 Did saints for this bring in their plate, 
 
 And crowd as if they came too late ? 
 
 For when they thought the Cause had need on't, 
 
 Happy was he that could be rid on't. 
 
 Did they coin piss-pots, bowls, and flaggons, 
 
 Int' officers of horse and dragoons ; 
 And into pikes and musqueteers Stamp beakers, cups, and porringers ? 
 A thimble, bodkin, and a spoon, Did start up living men, as soon 
 
 As in the furnace they were thrown, 
 
 Just like the dragon's teeth, b'ing sown. 
 Then was the cause of gold and plate, The brethren's oft'rings, consecrate, 
 
 Like th' Hebrew calf, and down before it 
 
 The saints fell prostrate to adore it : 
 So say the wicked — and will you Make that sarcasmus scandal true, 
 
 By running after dogs and bears, 
 
 Beasts more unclean than calves or steers ? 
 
 Have pow'rful preachers ply'd their tongues, 
 
 And laid themselves out and their lungs ; 
 
 Us'd all means, both direct and sinister, 
 
 I' th' pow'r of gospel-preaching minister ? 
 Have they invented tones to win The women, and make them draw in 
 The men, as Indians with a female Tame elephant inveigle the male ? 
 
 Have they told Prov'dence what it must do, 
 
 Whom to avoid, and whom to trust to ? 
 Discovered th' enemy's design, And which way best to count ermine ? 
 Prescrib'd what ways it hath to work, Or it will ne'er advance the kirk ? 
 Told it the news o' th' last express, And after good or bad success, 
 Made prayers not so like petitions As overtures and propositions, 
 
CANTO ir. HUDIBRAS. 23 
 
 (Such as the army did present To their creator, the Parliament), 
 
 In which they freely will confess, They will not, cannot acquiesce, 
 
 Unless the work be carry'd on In the same way they have begun, 
 
 By setting church and common- weal All on a flame bright as their zeal, 
 On which the saints were all a-gog, And all this for a bear and dog ? 
 
 The Parliament drew up petitions 
 
 To 'tself, and sent them, like commissions, 
 To well-affected persons down, In every city and great town ; 
 
 With power to levy horse and men, Only to bring them back again : 
 For this did many, many a mile, Ride manfully in rank and file, 
 
 With papers in their hats that show'd As if they to the pillory rode. 
 Have all these courses, these efforts, Been try'd by people of all sorts, 
 Velis &* remis, omnibus uervis, And all t y advance the Cause's service? 
 And shall all now be thrown away In petulant intestine fray ? 
 
 Shall we that in the covenant swore, Each man of us to run before 
 
 Another, still, in reformation, Give dogs and bears a dispensation ? 
 
 How will dissenting brethren relish it ? 
 
 What will malignants say ? videlicet. 
 
 That each man swore to do his best 
 
 Go damn and perjure all the rest ? 
 nd bid the devil take the hindmost, 
 
 Which at this race is like to win most. 
 They'll say our bus'ness, to reform The church and state, is but a worm ; 
 For to subscribe, unsight unseen, T ? an unknown church discipline, 
 What is it else, but before-hand T' engage, and after understand ? 
 
 For when we swore to carry on The present reformation, 
 
 According to the purest mode Of churches best reformed abroad, 
 
 What did we else but make a vow To do we know not what nor how ? 
 For no three of us will agree Where or what churches these should be ; 
 And is indeed the self-same case With those that swore et cceteras ; 
 
 Or the French league, in which men vow'd 
 
 To fight to the last drop of blood. 
 These slanders will be thrown upon The cause and work we carry on, 
 If we permit men to run headlong T ; exorbitances fit for bedlam ; 
 
 Rather than gospel-walking times, , 
 
 When slightest sins are greatest crimes. 
 But we the matter so shall handle As to remove that odious scandle : 
 In name of King and Parliament, I charge ye all, no more foment 
 
 This feud, but keep the peace between 
 
 Your brethren and your countrymen ; 
 
 And to those places straight repair 
 
 Where your respective dwellings are. 
 But to that purpose first surrender The fiddler as the prime offender, 
 Th' incendiary vile, that is chief Author and engineer of mischief ; 
 
 That makes division between friends, For profane and malignant ends. 
 He and that engine of vile noise, On which illegally he plays, 
 
 Shall (dictum factum) both he brought 
 
 To condign punishment, as they ought. 
 
 This must be done, and I would fain see 
 
 Mortal so sturdy as to gain-say ; 
 For then I'll take another course And soon reduce you all by force. 
 
24 HUDIBRAS. PART I. 
 
 This said, he clapp'd his hand on sword, 
 
 To shew he meant to keep his word. 
 But Talgol, who had long suppressed 
 
 Inflamed wrath in glowing breast, 
 
 Which now began to rage and burn as 
 
 Implacably as flame in furnace, 
 
 Thus answered him : Thou vermin wretched 
 
 As e'er in measled pork was hatched, 
 Thou tail of worship, that dost grow On rump of justice as of cow, 
 
 How darest thou, with that sullen luggage 
 
 O' th' self, old iron, and other baggage, 
 
 With which thy steed of bones and leather 
 
 Has broke his wind in halting hither ; 
 How durst th', I say, adventure thus T' oppose thy lumber against us ? 
 Could thine impertinence find out No work t' employ itself about, 
 
 Where thou, secure from wooden blow, Thy busy vanity might'st show ? 
 Was no dispute a-foot between The caterwauling bretheren ? 
 
 No subtle question rais'd among 
 
 Those out-o'-their wits, and those i' th' wrong ? 
 
 No prize between those combatants 
 
 O' th' times, the land and water saints, 
 
 Where thou might'st stickle, without hazard 
 
 Of outrage to thy hide and mazzard ; 
 And not for want of business come To us, to be thus troublesome, 
 
 To interrupt our better sort Of disputants, and spoil our sport ? 
 
 Was there no felony, no bawd, Cut-purse, nor burglary abroad ? 
 
 No stolen pig, nor plundered goose, To tie thee up from breaking loose ? 
 
 No ale unlicensed, broken hedge, 
 
 For which thou statute might'st alledge, 
 
 To keep thee busy from foul evil, 
 
 And shame due to thee from the devil ? 
 
 Did not committee sit, where he 
 
 Might cut out journey-work for thee ? 
 
 And set th' a task, with subornation, 
 
 To stitch up sale and sequestration, 
 To cheat with holiness and zeal, All parties and the common-weal ? 
 
 Much better had it been for thee, 
 
 H' had kept thee where th' art us'd to be ; 
 
 Or sent th' on bus'ness any whither, 
 
 So he had never brought thee hither. 
 But if th' hast brain enough in skull To keep itself in lodging whole, 
 And not provoke the rage of stones And cudgels to thy hide and bones, 
 
 Tremble, and vanish, while thou may'st, 
 
 Which HI not promise if thou stay'st. 
 
 At this the Knight grew high in wroth, 
 
 And lifting hands and eyes up both, 
 
 Three times he smote on stomach stout, 
 
 From whence at length these words broke out : 
 Was I for this entitled Sir, And girt with trusty sword and spur, 
 
 For fame and honour to wage battle, 
 
 Thus to be braVd by foe to cattle ? 
 
CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 2$ 
 
 Not all that pride that makes thee swell 
 
 As big as thou dost blown-up veal ; 
 
 Nor all thy tricks and slights to cheat, 
 
 And sell thy carrion for good meat ; 
 Not all thy magic to repair Decay'd old age in tough lean ware, 
 
 Make nat'ral death appear thy work, 
 
 And stop the gangrene in stale pork ; 
 
 Not all the force that makes thee proud, 
 
 Because by bullock ne'er withstood ? 
 
 Though arm'd with all thy cleavers, knives, 
 
 And axes, made to hew down lives ; 
 Shall save or help thee to evade The hand of Justice, or this blade, 
 Which I, her sword-bearer, do carry, For civil deed and military. 
 
 Nor shall these words of venom base, 
 
 Which thou hast from their native place, 
 Thy stomach, pump'd to fling on me, Go unreveng'd, though I am free. 
 
 Thou down the same throat shalt devour 'em, 
 
 Like tainted beef, and pay dear for 'em. 
 Nor shall it e'er be said, that wight, With gantlet blue, and bases white, 
 And round blunt truncheon by his side, So great a man at arms defy'd, 
 
 With words far bitterer than wormwood, 
 
 That would in Job or Grizel stir mood. 
 
 Dogs with their tongues their wounds do heal, 
 
 But men with hands, as thou shalt feel. 
 This said, with hasty rage he snatch'd 
 
 His gun-shot, that in holsters watch' d ; 
 And, bending cock, he levell'd full Against th] outside of Talgol's skull ; 
 
 Vowing that he should ne'er stir further, 
 
 Nor henceforth cow or bullock murder. 
 
 But Pallas came, in shape of rust, 
 
 And 'twixt the spring and hammer, thrust 
 
 Her Gorgon shield, which made the cock 
 
 Stand stiff, as 'twere transform'd to stock. 
 
 Mean while fierce Talgol, gath'ring might, 
 
 With rugged truncheon, charg'd the Knight ; 
 But he, with petronel upheav'd, Instead of shield, the blow receiv'd. 
 The gun recoil'd, as well it mighty Not us'd to such a kind of fight, 
 
 And shrunk from its great master's gripe, 
 
 Knock'd down and stunn'd with mortal stripe. 
 Then Hudibras, with furious haste, Drew out his sword ; yet not so fast, 
 
 But Talgol first, with hardy thwack, 
 
 Twice bruis'd his head, and twice his back, 
 
 But when his nut-brown sword was out, 
 
 With stomach huge he laid about, 
 Imprinting many a wound upon His mortal foe, the truncheon. 
 
 The trusty cudgel did oppose Itself against dead-doing blows, 
 
 To guard its leader from fell bane, And then reveng'd itself again. 
 
 And tho' the sword (some understood) 
 
 In force had much the odds of wood, 
 
 J Twas nothing so ; both sides were balanc'd 
 
 So equal, none knew which was valiant'st : 
 
26 HUDIBRAS. part i. 
 
 For wood, with Honour b'ing engag'd, Is so implacably enraged 
 
 Though iron hew and mangle sore, 
 
 Wood wounds and bruises honour more. 
 
 And now both Knights were out of breath, 
 
 Tir'd in the hot pursuit of death ; 
 
 Whilst all the rest amaz'd stood still, 
 
 Expecting which should take, or kill. 
 
 This Hudibras observed ; and fretting, 
 
 Conquest should be so long a getting, 
 He drew up all his forces into One body, and that into one blow. 
 
 But Talgol wisely avoided it By cunning slight ; for had it hit 
 
 The upper part of him, the blow Had slit, as sure as that below. 
 
 Mean while th' incomparable Colon, 
 
 To aid his friend began to fall on ; 
 
 Him Ralph encountered, and straight grew 
 
 A dismal combat J twixt them two : 
 
 Th ? one arm'd with metal, th ? other with wood, 
 
 This fit for bruise, and that for blood. 
 
 With many a stiff thwack, many a bang, 
 
 Hard crab-tree and old iron rang ; 
 
 While none that saw them could divine 
 
 To which side conquest would incline ; 
 Until Magnano, who did envy That two should with so many men vie, 
 By subtle stratagem of brain Performed what force could ne'er attain ; 
 
 For he, by foul hap, having found 
 
 Where thistles grew, on barren ground, 
 
 In haste he drew his weapon out, 
 
 And having cropp'd them from the root, 
 
 He clapp'd them underneath the tail 
 
 Of steed, with pricks as sharp as nail. 
 The angry beast did straight resent The wrong done to his fundament, 
 Began to kick, and fling, and wince, As if h' had been beside his sense, 
 
 Striving to disengage from thistle, 
 
 That gaul'd him sorely under his tail ; 
 
 Instead of which he threw the pack 
 
 Of Squire and baggage from his back 
 
 And blund'ring still, with smarting rump, 
 
 He gave the Knight's steed such a thump 
 
 As made him reel. The Knight did stoop, 
 
 And sat on further side aslope. 
 This Talgol viewing, who had now By flight escap'd the fatal blow, 
 He rally' d, and again fell to't : For catching foe by nearer foot, 
 
 He lifted with such might and strength, 
 
 As would have hurl'd him thrice his length, 
 And dash'd his brains (if any) out : But Mars, who still protects the stout, 
 In pudding-time came to his aid, And under him the Bear convey'd ; 
 
 The Bear, upon whose soft fur-gown 
 
 The Knight with all his weight fell down. 
 
 The friendly rug preserved the ground, 
 
 And headlong Knight, from bruise or wound : 
 Like feather-bed betwixt a wall And heavy brunt of cannon-ball. 
 
canto II. HUDIBRAS. 2J 
 
 As Sancho on a blanket fell, And had no hurt, ours far'd as well 
 
 In body, though his mighty spirit, B'ing heavy, did not so well bear it. 
 
 The Bear was in a greater fright, 
 
 Beat down, and worsted by the Knight. 
 
 He roarM, and rag*d, and flung about, 
 
 To shake off bondage from his snout. 
 
 His wrath inflamed boiFd o'er, and from 
 
 His jaws of death he threw the foam ; 
 
 Fury in stranger postures threw him, 
 
 And more than ever herald drew him : 
 
 He tore the earth, which he had sav'd 
 
 From squelch of Knight, and stormed and rav'd, 
 
 And vex'd the more, because the harms 
 
 He felt were 'gainst the law of arms : 
 For men he always took to be His friends, and dogs the enemy ; 
 
 Who never so much hurt had done him, 
 
 As his own side did falling on him : 
 
 It grieved him to the guts, that they, 
 
 For whom h ? had fought so many a fray, 
 
 And served with loss of blood so long, 
 
 Should offer such inhuman wrong ; 
 
 Wrong of unsoldier-like condition, 
 
 For which he flung down his commission, 
 
 And laid about him, till his nose 
 
 From thrall of ring of cord broke loose. 
 
 Soon as he felt himself enlarged, 
 
 Through thickest of his foes he charged, 
 
 And made way through th ? amazed crew, 
 
 Some he o'er-ran, and some o'erthrew, 
 
 But took none ; for, by hasty flight, 
 
 He strove t ? escape pursuit of Knight, 
 
 From whom he fled with as much haste 
 
 And dread, as he the rabble chas'd ; 
 In haste he fled, and so did they, Each and his fear a several way. 
 
 Crowdero only kept the field, Not stirring from the place he held, 
 
 Though beaten down and wounded sore, 
 
 I th' fiddle, and a leg that bore 
 
 One side of him, not that of bone, 
 
 But much it's better, th ? wooden one. 
 He spying Hudibras lie strew'd Upon the ground, like log of wood, 
 With fright of fall, supposed wound, And loss of urine, in a swound, 
 
 In haste he snatch'd the wooden limb 
 
 That, hurt in th' ancle, lay by him, 
 
 And fitting it for sudden fight, 
 
 Straight drew it up, t' attack the Knight ; 
 
 For getting up on stump and huckle, He with the foe began to buckle, 
 
 Vowing to be reveng'd for breach Of crowd and skin upon the wretch, 
 
 Sole author of all detriment He and his fiddle underwent. 
 
 But Ralpho (who had now begun T' adventure resurrection 
 
 From heavy squelch, and had got up 
 
 Upon his legs, with sprained crup), 
 
28 HUDIBRAS. PART I. 
 
 Looking about, beheld pernicion 
 
 Approaching Knight from fell musician, 
 
 He snatch'd his whinyard up, that fled 
 
 When he was falling off his steed 
 (As rats do from a falling house), To hide itself from rage of blows ; 
 
 And, winged with speed and fury, flew 
 
 To rescue Knight from black and blue. 
 
 Which ere he could atchieve, his sconce 
 
 The leg encountered twice and once : 
 
 And now 'twas raised to smite again, 
 
 When Ralpho thrust himself between. 
 
 He took the blow upon his arm, 
 
 To shield the Knight from further harm ; 
 
 And, joining wrath with force, bestow'd 
 
 On th' wooden member such a load, 
 That down it fell, and with it bore Crowdero, whom it propped before. 
 To him the Squire right nimbly run, And setting conquering foot upon 
 
 His trunk, thus spoke : What desperate frenzy 
 
 Made thee (thou whelp of sin) to fancy 
 Thyself, and all that coward rabble, T' encounter us in battle able ! 
 
 How durst th', I say, oppose thy curship 
 
 'Gainst arms, authority, and worship, 
 And Hudibras or me provoke, Though all thy limbs were heart of oak, 
 And th' other half of thee as good To bear out blows as that of wood ? 
 Could not the whipping-post prevail With all its rhet'ric, nor the jail, 
 To keep from flaying scourge thy skin, And ancle free from iron gin ? 
 
 Which now thou shalt — but first our care 
 
 Must see how Hudibras does fare. 
 This said, he gently rais'd the Knight, And set him on his bum upright : 
 
 To rouse him from lethargic dump, 
 
 He tweak'd his nose, with gentle thump, 
 
 Knock'd on his breast, as if t had been 
 
 To raise the spirits lodged within. 
 They, waken'd with the noise - , did fly, From inward room to window eye, 
 
 And gently opening lid, the casement, 
 
 Looked out, but yet with some amazement. 
 
 This gladded Ralpho much to see, 
 
 Who thus bespoke the Knight : Quoth he, 
 Tweaking his nose, You are, Great Sir, A self-denying conqueror ; 
 
 As high, victorious, and great, As e'er fought for the churches yet, 
 
 If you will give yourself but leave To make out what y' already have ; 
 That's victory. The foe, for dread Of your nine- worthiness, is fled, 
 
 All, save Crowdero, for whose sake 
 
 You did th' espous'd Cause undertake : 
 And he lies pris'ner at your feet, To be dispos'd as you think meet, 
 Either for life, or death, or sale, The gallows, or perpetual jail : 
 
 For one wink of your powerful eye Must sentence him to live or die. 
 / His fiddle is your proper purchase, 
 [ Won in the service of the churches ; 
 And by your doom must be allow'd To be, or be no more, a crowd. 
 For though success did not confer Just title on the conqueror ; 
 
canto ii. HUDIBRAS. 29 
 
 Though dispensations were not strong 
 
 Conclusions, whether right or wrong ; 
 Although out-goings did confirm, And owning were but a meer term, 
 
 Yet as the wicked have no right 
 
 To th' creature, though usurped by might, 
 The property is in the saint, From whom th' injuriously detain J t ; 
 
 Of him they held their luxuries, 
 
 Their dogs, their horses, whores, and dice, 
 Their riots, revels, masks, delights, Pimps, buffoons, fiddlers, parasites ; 
 All which the saints have title to, And ought t' enjoy, if th' had their due. 
 
 What we take from them is no more 
 
 Than what was our^s by right before : 
 For we are their true landlords still, And they our tenants but at will. 
 At this the Knight began to rouse, And by degrees grew valorous. 
 
 He stared about, and seeing none Of all his foes remain, but one, 
 
 He snatch'd his weapon that lay near him, 
 
 And from the ground began to rear him ; 
 Vowing to make Crowdero pay For all the rest that ran away. 
 
 But Ralpho now, in colder blood, His fury mildly thus withstood : 
 
 Great Sir, quoth he, your mighty spirit 
 
 Is rais'd too high : this slave does merit 
 
 To be the hangman's business sooner 
 
 Than from your hand to have the honour 
 Of his destruction : I that am A nothingness in deed and name, 
 
 Did scorn to hurt his forfeit carcase, Or ill intreat his fiddle or case : 
 
 Will you, Great Sir, that glory blot 
 
 In cold blood, which you gained in hot ? 
 
 Will you employ your conq'ring sword 
 
 To break a fiddle, and your word ? 
 
 For though I fought, and overcame, 
 
 And quarter gave, 'twas in your name. 
 
 For great commanders always own 
 
 What's prosperous by the soldier done. 
 
 To save, where you have power to kill, 
 
 Argues your power above your will ; 
 
 And that your will and power have less 
 
 Than both might have of selfishness. 
 This power, which now alive, with dread He trembles at, if he were dead, 
 
 Would no more keep the slave in awe, 
 
 Than if you were a knight of straw : 
 
 For Death would then be his conqueror, 
 
 Not you, and free him from that terror. 
 If danger from his life accrue, Or honour from his death, to you, 
 
 'Twere policy and honour too, To do as you resolv'd to do : 
 
 But, Sir, 'twou'd wrong your valour much, 
 
 To say it needs or fears a crutch. 
 Great conquerors greater glory gain By foes in triumph led than slain : 
 
 The laurels that adorn their brows 
 
 Are pull'd from living, not dead boughs : 
 And living foes, the greatest fame Of cripple slain can be but lame. 
 One half of rum's already slain, The other is not worth your pain ; 
 
30 HUDIBRAS, PART I. 
 
 Th' honour can but on one side light, 
 
 As worship did, when y' were dubb'd Knight. 
 Wherefore I think it better far, To keep him prisoner of war ; 
 
 And let him fast in bonds abide At court of justice to be tr/d ; 
 
 Where if he appear so bold or crafty, There may be danger in his safety ; 
 If any member there dislike His face, or to his beard have pique ; 
 
 Or if his death will save or yield Revenge or fright, it is reveal'd ; 
 
 Though he has quarter, nevertheless, 
 
 Y' have power to hang him when you please ; 
 
 This has been often done by some 
 
 Of our great conquerors, you know whom ; 
 And has by most of us been held Wise justice, and to some reveal'd. 
 (For words and promises, that yoke The conqueror are quickly broke ; 
 Like Samson's cuffs, though by his own Direction and advice put on. 
 For if we should fight for the Cause By rules of military laws. 
 
 And only do what they call just, The Cause would quickly fall to dust. 
 This we among ourselves may speak, But to the wicked or the weak, 
 We must be cautious to declare Perfection truths, such as these are. 
 This said, the high outrageous mettle Of Knight began to cool and settle. 
 He lik'd the Squire's advice, and soon Resolv'd to see the business done : 
 And therefore charged him first to bind Crowdero's hands on rump behind, 
 And to its former place and use The wooden member to reduce : 
 
 But force it take an oath before, Ne'er to bear arms against him more, 
 Ralpho dispatch'd with speedy haste, And having ty'd Crowdero fast, 
 He gave Sir Knight the end of cord, To lead the captive of his sword 
 
 In triumph, whilst the steeds he caught, 
 
 And them to further service brought. 
 
 The Squire in state rode on before, 
 
 And on his nut-brown whinyard bore 
 The trophy-fiddle and the case, Leaning on shoulder like a mace. 
 
 The Knight himself did after ride, Leading Crowdero by his side ; 
 
 And tow'd him, if he lagg'd behind Like boat against the tide and wind. 
 
 Thus grave and solemn they march on, 
 
 Until quite thro' the town th' had gone ; 
 At further end of which there stands An ancient castle that commands 
 
 Th' adjacent parts ; in all the fabric 
 
 You shall not see one stone nor a brick, 
 But all of wood, by powerful spell Of magic made impregnable ; 
 
 There's neither iron-bar nor gate, Portcullis, chain, nor bolt, nor grate, 
 And yet men durance there abide, In dungeon scarce three inches wide, 
 With roof so low, that under it They never stand, but lie or sit ; 
 
 And yet so foul, that whoso is in, Is to the middle-leg in prison ; 
 
 In circle magical confin'd With walls of subtile air and wind, 
 
 Which none are able to break thorough, 
 
 Until they're freed by head of borough. 
 
 Thither arrived, th' advent'rous Knight 
 
 And bold Squire from their steeds alight, 
 
 At th' outward wall, near which there stands 
 
 A bastile, built t' imprison hands ; 
 
 By strange enchantment made to fetter 
 
 The lesser parts, and free the greater : 
 
CANTO in. HUDIBRAS. 31 
 
 For though the body may creep through 
 
 The hands in grate are fast enough. 
 And when a circle ; bout the wrist Is made by beadle exorcist, 
 
 The body feels the spur and switch, As if 'twere ridden post by witch, 
 At twenty miles an hour pace, And yet ne'er stirs out of the place. 
 
 On top of this there is a spire, 
 
 On which Sir Knight first bids the Squire, 
 The fiddle, and its spoils, the case, In manner of a trophy place. 
 
 That done, they ope the trap-door gate, 
 
 And let Crowdero down thereat, 
 Crowdero making doleful face, Like hermit poor in pensive place, 
 
 To dungeon they the wretch commit, And the survivor of his feet : 
 
 But th ? other that had broke the peace, 
 
 And head of knighthood, they release, 
 
 Though a delinquent false and forged, 
 
 Yet b'ing a stranger, he's enlarged ; 
 While his comrade, that did no hurt, Is clapp'd up fast in prison for't. 
 /-So Justice, while she winks at crimes, 
 ^Stumbles on innocence sometimes. J 
 
 CANTO II I.— Argument. 
 
 The scattered rout return and rally, Surround the place ; the Knight does sally, 
 
 And is made pris'ner : then they seize Th' enchanted fort by storm, release 
 
 Crowdero, and put the Squire in's place ; I should have first said Hudibras. 
 
 Ay me ! what perils do environ The man that meddles with cold iron ; 
 What plaguy mischiefs and mishaps Do dog him still with after claps ! 
 
 For though Dame Fortune seem to smile, 
 
 And leer upon him for a while, 
 She'll after shew him, in the nick Of all his glories, a dog-trick. 
 
 This any man may sing or say, V th' ditty calM, What if a day f 
 
 For Hudibras, who thought h ? had won The field, as certain as a gun, 
 And having routed the whole troop, With victory was cock-a-hoop, 
 
 Thinking h ? had done enough to purchase 
 
 Thanksgiving-day among the churches, 
 Wherein his mettle and brave worth Might be explained by holder-forth, 
 And register'd by Fame eternal, In deathless pages of diurnal, 
 
 Found in few minutes, to his cost, He did but count without his host ; 
 
 And that a turn-stile is more certain, 
 
 Than, in events of war, Dame Fortune. 
 For now the late faint-hearted rout, 
 
 O'erthrown and scattered round about, 
 Chac'd by the horror of their fear, From bloody fray of Knight and Bear, 
 (All but the dogs, who in pursuit Of the KnighYs victory stood to't, 
 And most ignobly fought, to get The honour of his blood and sweat) 
 Seeing the coast was free and clear O' the conquered and the conqueror, 
 Took heart again and fac'd about, As if they meant to stand it out : 
 For by this time the routed bear, Attacked by th' enemy i' th' rear, 
 Finding their number grew too great For him to make a safe retreat, 
 
32 HUDIBRAS. PART I. 
 
 Like a bold chieftain fac'd about ; But wisely doubting to hold out, 
 
 Gave way to fortune, and with haste 
 
 Fac'd the proud foe, and fled, and fac'd ; 
 Retiring still, until he found H' had got th' advantage of the ground, 
 And then as valiantly made head, To check the foe and forthwith fled ; 
 Leaving no art untry'd nor trick Of warrior stout and politic ; 
 
 Until in spite of hot pursuit, He gain'd a pass, to hold dispute 
 
 On better terms, and stop the course 
 
 Of the proud foe. With all his force 
 He bravely charged and for a while Forc'd their whole body to recoil : 
 But still their number so increased He found himself at length oppress'd, 
 And all evasions so uncertain, To save himself for better fortune, 
 
 That he resolv'd rather than yield, To die with honour in the field, 
 And sell his hide and carcase at A price as high and desperate 
 
 As e'er he could. This resolution He forthwith put in execution 
 
 And bravely threw himself among The enemy i' th' greatest throng, 
 But what could single valour do Against so numerous a foe ? 
 
 Yet much he did, indeed too much 
 
 To be believ'd where th' odds were such. 
 But one against a multitude Is more than mortal can make good. 
 
 For while one party he oppos'd, His rear was suddenly inclos'd : 
 
 And no room left him for retreat, Or fight against a foe so great. 
 
 For now the mastiffs charging home, 
 
 To blows and handy-gripes were come : 
 While manfully himself he bore, And setting his right foot before, 
 
 He rais'd himself to shew how tall His person was above them all. 
 
 This equal shame and envy stirr'd 
 
 In th' enemy that one should beard 
 So many warriors, and so stout, As he had done, and staVd it out, 
 
 Disdaining to lay down his arms, And yield on honourable terms. 
 
 Enraged thus, some in the rear Attack'd him and some every-where, 
 Till down he fell ; yet falling fought, And being down, still laid about; 
 As Widdrington, in doleful dumps, Is said to fight upon his stumps. 
 But all, alas ! had been in vain, And he inevitably slain, 
 
 If Trulla and Cerdon in the nick, To rescue him had not been quick ; 
 
 For Trulla who was light of foot, 
 
 As shafts which long-field Parthians shoot, 
 (But not so light as to be borne Upon the ears of standing corn, 
 
 Or trip it o'er the water quicker 
 
 Than witches, when their staves they liquor. 
 As some report) was got among The foremost of the martial throng : 
 
 There pitying the vanquish'd Bear, 
 
 She call'd to Cerdon, who stood near, 
 
 Viewing the bloody fight ; to whom, 
 
 Shall we (quoth she) stand still hum-drum, 
 And see stout Bruin, all alone, By numbers basely overthrown ? 
 
 Such feats already h' has achieved, In story not to be believed ; 
 
 And ; twould to us be shame enough, Not to attempt to fetch him off. 
 I would (quoth he) venture a limb 
 
 To second thee, and rescue him : 
 But then we must about it straight, Or else our aid will come too late ? 
 
canto in. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 33 
 
 Quarter he scorns, he is so stout, And therefore cannot long hold out. 
 
 This said, they wav'd their weapons round 
 
 About their heads, to clear the ground ; 
 And, joining forces, laid about, So fiercely, that th' amazed rout 
 
 Turn'd tail again, and straight begun, As if the devil drove, to run. 
 
 Meanwhile th' approached the place where Bruin 
 
 Was now engaged to mortal ruin : 
 
 The conquering foe they soon assaiPd, 
 
 First Trulla stav'd and Cerdon tail'd, 
 Until their mastiffs loosed their hold : And yet, alas ! do what they could, 
 
 The worsted Bear came off with store 
 
 Of bloody wounds, but all before : 
 For as Achilles, dipped in pond, Was anabaptiz'd free from wound, 
 Made proof against dead-doing steel All over but the Pagan heel : 
 So did our champion's arms defend All of him, but the other end : 
 
 His head and ears, which in the martial 
 
 Encounter, lost a leathern parcel : 
 For as an Austrian Archduke once Had one ear (which in ducatoons 
 Is half the coin) in battle par'd Close to his head ; so Bruin far'd : 
 
 But tugged and pull'd on t'other side, Like scrivener newly crucify'd ; 
 Or like the late corrected leathern Ears of the circumcised brethren. 
 But gentle Trulla, into th' ring He wore in's nose, convey 'd a string, 
 With which she march'd before, and led, The warrior to a grassy bed, 
 As authors write, in a cool shade Which eglantine and roses made, 
 
 Close by a softly murm'ring stream 
 
 Where lovers us'd to loll and dream. 
 There leaving him to his repose, Secured from pursuit of foes 
 
 And wanting nothing but a song, And a well-tun' d theorbo hung 
 
 Upon a bow to ease the pain His tugg'd ears suffered, with a strain, 
 They both drew up th' march inquest Of his great leader, and the rest. 
 For Orsin (who was more renown'd For stout maintaining of his ground 
 In standing fight, than for pursuit As being not so quick of foot) 
 
 Was not long able to keep pace With others that pursu'd the chase ; 
 But found himself left far behind, Both out of heart and out of wind ; 
 Griev'd to behold his Bear pursu'd So basely by a multitude ; 
 
 And like to fall, not by the prowess But number of his coward foes. 
 He rag'd, and kept as heavy a coil as Stout Hercules for loss of Hylas, 
 Forcing the vallies to repeat The accents of his sad regret. 
 
 He beat his breast, and tore his hair For loss of his dear crony Bear : 
 That Echo, from the hollow ground, His doleful wailings did resound, 
 More wistfully, by many times, Than in small poets splay-foot rhymes, 
 That make her, in their ruthful stories, To answer to interr'gatories, 
 
 And most unconscionably depose 
 
 To things of which she nothing knows ; 
 And when she has said all she can say, 'Tis wrested to the lover's fancy. 
 Quoth he, O whither, wicked Bruin Art thou fled to my — Echo, Ruin ? 
 
 I thought th' hadst scorned to budge a step, 
 
 For fear. (Ouoth Echo) Marry guep. 
 
 Am not I here to take thy part ? 
 
 Then what has quail'd thy stubborn heart ? 
 Have these bones rattled, and this head So often in thy quarrel bled ? 
 
34 HUDIBRAS. PART i. 
 
 Nor did I ever wince or grudge it, 
 
 For thy dear sake. (Quoth she) Mum-budget. 
 
 Think'st thou 'twill nof be laid i' th' dish 
 
 Thou turn'dst thy back ? Quoth Echo, Pish. 
 
 To run from those th' hadst overcome 
 
 Thus cowardly ? Quoth Echo, Mum, 
 But what a vengeance makes thee fly From me too, as thine enemy ? 
 Or if thou hast no thought of me, Nor what I have endur'd for thee, 
 Yet shame and honour might prevail To keep thee thus from turning tail : 
 
 For who would grudge to spend his blood in 
 
 His Honour's cause? Quoth she, A puddin. 
 
 This said, his grief to anger turn'd, 
 
 Which in his manly stomach burn'd ; 
 Thirst of revenge, and wrath, in place Of sorrow, now began to blaze. 
 He vow'd the authors of his woe Should equal vengeance undergo ; 
 
 And with their bones and flesh pay dear 
 
 For what he suffered, and his Bear. 
 This b'ing resolved, with equal speed And rage he hasted to proceed 
 To action straight, and giving o'er To search for Bruin any more, 
 
 He went in quest of Hudibras, To find him out where-e'er he was ; 
 
 And, if he were above ground, vow'd 
 
 He'd ferret him, lurk where he would. 
 But scarce had he a furlong on This resolute adventure gone, 
 
 When he encounter'd with that crew Whom Hudibras did late subdue. 
 
 Honour, revenge, contempt, and shame 
 
 Did equally their breasts inflame. 
 'Mong these the fierce Magnano was, And Talgol, foe to Hudibras, 
 Cerdon and Colon, warriors stout And resolute as ever fought ; 
 
 Whom furious Orsin thus bespoke : 
 
 Shall we (quoth he) thus basely brook 
 The vile affront that paultry ass, And feeble scoundrel, Hudibras, 
 
 With that more paultry ragamuffin, Ralpho, with vapouring, and huffing. 
 Have put upon us, like tame cattle, As if th' had routed us in battle ? 
 For my part, it shall ne'er be said, I for the washing gave my head ; 
 Nor did I turn my back for fear O' th' rascals, but loss of my Bear, 
 Which now I'm like to undergo ; For whether these fell wounds, or no, 
 
 He has received in fight, are mortal, 
 
 Is more than all my skill can foretel ; 
 Nor do I know what is become Of him more than the Pope of Rome. 
 But if I can but find them out That caus'd it (as I shall no doubt, 
 
 Where-e'er th' in hugger-mugger lurk) 
 
 I'll make them rue their handy- work, 
 And with that they had rather dar'd, To pull the devil by the beard. 
 Quoth Cerdon, Noble Orsin, th' hast Great reason to do as thou say'st, 
 And so has ev'rybody here, As well as thou hast, or thy Bear : 
 
 Others may do as they see good, But if this twig be made of wood 
 
 That will hold tack, I'll make the fur Fly 'bout the ears of that old cur, 
 And t' other mongrel vermin, Ralph, That brav'd us all in his behalf. 
 
 Thy Bear is safe, and out of peril, 
 
 Though lugg'd indeed, and wounded very ill ; 
 Myself and Trulia made a shift To help him out at a dead lift ; 
 
CANTO in. HUDIBRAS, 
 
 35 
 
 And having brought him bravely off, 
 
 Have left him where he's safe enough : 
 There let him rest ; for if we stay, The slaves may hap to get away. 
 This said, they all engaged to join Their forces in the same design ; 
 
 And forthwith put themselves, in search 
 
 Of Hudibras, upon their march. 
 Where leave we them awhile to tell What the victorious Knight befell : 
 For such, Crowdero being fast In dungeon shut, we left him last. 
 
 Triumphant laurels seem'd to grow No where so green as on his brow ; 
 Laden with which, as well as tir'd With conquering toil, he now retired 
 Unto a neighbouring castle by, To rest his body, and apply 
 
 Fit med'cines to each glorious bruise 
 
 He got in fight, reds, blacks, and blues, 
 To mollify th' uneasy pang Of every honourable bang, 
 
 Which b'ing by skilful midwife dress'd, 
 
 He laid him down to take his rest. 
 But all in vain. H' had got a hurt O' the inside of a deadlier sort, 
 
 By Cupid made, who took his stand CDpon a widow's jointure land, 
 
 (For he, in all his anrrous battles 
 
 No ; d vantage finds like goods and chattels) 
 Drew home his bow, and, aiming right, Let fly an arrow at the Knight ; 
 The shaft against a rib did glance, And gall him in the purtenance ; 
 
 But time had somewhat 'swaged his pain, 
 
 After he found his suit in vain : 
 For that proud dame, for whom his soul Was burnt in 's belly like a coal, 
 (That belly that so soft did ake, And suffer griping for her sake, 
 
 Till purging comforts, and ants eggs, 
 
 Had almost brought him off his legs) 
 
 Us'd him so like a base rascallion, 
 
 That old Pyg — (what d'y'call him) — malion, 
 That cut his mistress out of stone, Had not so hard a hearted one. 
 
 She had a thousand jadish tricks, 
 
 Worse than a mule that flings and kicks ; 
 
 5 Mong which one cross-grain'd freak she had, 
 
 As insolent as strange and mad, 
 She could love none but only such As scorn'd and hated her as much. 
 'Twas a strange riddle of a lady, Not love, if any lov'd her — Hey-day ! 
 So cowards never use their might, But against such as will not fight ; 
 So some diseases have been found Only to seize upon the sound : 
 
 He that gets her by heart must say her 
 
 The back way, like a witch's prayer. 
 
 Meanwhile the Knight had no small task 
 
 To compass what he durst not ask : 
 He loves, but dares not make the motion ; Her ignorance is his devotion : 
 Like caitiff vile, that for misdeed Rides with his face to rump of steed ; 
 Or rowing scull, he's fain to love, Look one way, and an6ther move ; 
 Or like a tumbler that does play His game, and looks another way, 
 Until he seize upon the coney ; Just so does he by matrimony. 
 
 But all in vain ; her subtle snout Did quickly wind his meaning out, 
 
 Which she returned with too much scorn, 
 
 To be by man of honour borne ; 
 
 3—2 
 
36 HUDIBRAS. part i. 
 
 Yet much he bore, until the distress 
 
 He suffered from his spiteful mistress 
 Did stir his stomach and the pain He had endured from her disdain, 
 Turned to regret, so resolute, That he resolv'd to waive his suit, 
 
 And either to renounce her quite, Or for a while play least in sight. 
 
 This resolution b'ing put on, 
 
 He kept some months, and more had done ; 
 But being brought so nigh by Fate, The victory he atchieved so late 
 Did set his thoughts agog, and ope A door to discontinued hope, 
 
 That seem'd to promise he might win 
 
 His dame too now his hand was in ; 
 
 And that his valour, and the honour 
 
 H' had newly gain'd, might work upon her. 
 
 These reasons made his mouth to water 
 
 With am'rous longings to be at her. 
 Ouoth he, unto himself, who knows, But this brave conquest o'er my foes 
 
 May reach her heart, and make that stoop 
 
 As I but now have forced the troop ? 
 If nothing can oppugn love, And virtue invious ways can prove, 
 
 What may not he confide to do That brings both love and virtue too ? 
 But thou bring'st valour too and wit, Two things that seldom fail to hit, 
 Valour's a mouse-trap, wit a gin, Which women oft are taken in. j 
 
 Then Hudibras, why should'st thou fear To be, that art a conqueror ? 
 Fortune th' audacious doth juvare, But lets the timidous miscarry. 
 
 Then while the honour thou hast got, Is spick and span new, piping hot, 
 
 Strike her up bravely, thou had'st best, 
 
 And trust thy fortune with the rest. 
 
 Such thoughts as these the Knight did keep 
 
 More than his bangs, or fleas, from sleep : 
 And as an owl that in a barn Sees a mouse creeping in the corn, 
 
 Sits still, and shuts his round blue eyes As if he slept until he spies 
 The little beast within his reach, Then starts and seizes on the wretch ; 
 
 So from his couch the Knight did start, 
 
 To seize upon the widow's heart, 
 
 Crying with hasty tone, and hoarse, 
 
 Ralpho, Dispatch, To horse, to horse. 
 And 'twas but time ; for now the rout, We left engag'd to seek him out, 
 By speedy marches were advanc'd Up to the fort where he ensconc'd ; 
 And all the avenues had possessed About the place, from east to west. 
 
 That done, a while they made a halt, 
 
 To view the ground, and where t' assault. 
 Then call'd a council, which was best, By siege or onslaught, to invest 
 The enemy ; and 'twas agreed, By storm and onslaught, to proceed. 
 This b'ing resolv'd in comely sort They now drew up t' attack the fort ; 
 When Hudibras, about to enter Upon another-gates adventure, 
 
 To Ralpho, call'd aloud to arm, Not dreaming of approaching storm. 
 Whether Dame Fortune, or the care Of angels bad or tutelar, 
 
 Did arm, or thrust him on to danger, 
 
 To which he was an utter stranger ; 
 That foresight might, or might not blot The glory he had newly got ; 
 Or to his shame it might be said They took him napping in his bed : 
 
CANTO in. HUDIBRAS. 37 
 
 To them we leave it to expound, That deal in sciences profound. 
 
 His courser scarce he had bestrid, And Ralpho that on which he rid, 
 When setting ope the postern gate, Which they thought best to sally at, 
 
 The foe appeared, drawn up and drill'd, 
 
 Ready to charge them in the field. 
 
 This somewhat startled the bold Knight, 
 
 Surpriz'd with th' unexpected sight : 
 The bruises of his bones and flesh He thought began to smart afresh ; 
 Till recollecting wonted courage His fear was soon converted to rage, 
 And thus he spoke : The coward foe Whom we but now gave quarter to, 
 Look, yonder^ rally'd, and appears, As if they had out-run their fears ; 
 The glory we did lately get, The Fates command us to repeat ; 
 
 And to their wills we must succumb, Quocunque trahtint, ; tis our doom. 
 This is the same numeric crew Which we so lately did subdue ; 
 
 The self same individuals that Did run, as mice do, from a cat, 
 
 When we courageously did wield Our martial weapons in the field, 
 To tug for victory, and when We shall our shining blades again 
 
 Brandish in terror over our heads, 
 
 They'll straight resume their wonted dreads : 
 (Fear is an ague that forsakes And haunts by fits those whom it takes : 
 And they'll opine they feel the pain And blows they felt to day again. 
 
 Then let us boldly charge them home, 
 
 And make no doubt to overcome. 
 This said, his courage to inflame, He calPd upon his mistress' name. 
 His pistol next he cock'd a-new, And out his nut-brown whinyard drew : 
 And, placing Ralpho in the front, Reserv'd himself to bear the brunt, 
 As expert warriors use ; then ply'd With iron heel his courser's side, 
 Conveying sympathetic speed From heel of Knight to heel of steed. 
 Mean while the foe, with equal rage And speed, advancing to engage 
 Both parties now were drawn so close, Almost to come to handy-blows ; 
 When Orsin first let fly a stone At Ralpho ; not so huge a one 
 
 As that which Diomed did maul ^Eneas on the bum withal ; 
 
 Yet big enough, if rightly hurl'd, T' have sent him to another world, 
 
 Whether above-ground, or below, 
 
 Which saints twice dipp'd are destin'd to. 
 
 The danger startled the bold Squire, 
 
 And made him some few steps retire. 
 But Hudibras advanc'd to's aid, And rous'd his spirits half dismay'd : 
 He wisely doubting left the shot Of th' enemy, now growing hot, 
 
 Might at a distance gall, press'd close, 
 
 To come pell-mell to handy blows, 
 And that he might their aim decline, Advanc'd still in an oblique line ; 
 But prudently forbore to fire, Till breast to breast he had got nigher ; 
 
 As expert warriors use to do, 
 
 When hand to hand they charge their foe. 
 This order the advent'rous Knight, Most soldier-like, observed in fight, 
 
 When Fortune (as she's wont) turn'd fickle, 
 
 And for the foe began to stickle. 
 The more shame for her goodyship To give so near a friend the slip. 
 For Colon, chusing out a stone, Levell'd so right, it thump'd upon 
 
 His manly paunch with such a force, As almost beat him off his horse. 
 
38 HUDIBRAS. part i. 
 
 He loos'd his whinyard and the rein, 
 
 But laying fast hold on the mane, 
 Preserv'd his seat : And as a goose In death contracts her talons close, 
 So did the Knight, and with one claw The tricker of his pistol draw. 
 The gun went off; and, as it was Still fatal to stout Hudibras, 
 
 In all his feats of arms, when least He dreamt of it, to prosper best ; 
 So now he far'd : The shot, let fly At random ; mong the enemy, 
 
 Pierc'd TalgoPs gaberdine, and grazing 
 
 Upon his shoulder, in the passing, 
 
 Lodg'd in Magnano's brass habergeon, 
 
 Who straight A surgeon cry'd, a surgeo?i : 
 He tumbled down, and, as he fell, Did Murder, murder, murder yell. 
 This startled their whole body so, That if the Knight had not let go 
 
 His arms, but been in warlike plight, 
 
 H' had won (the second time) the fight. 
 As, if the Squire had but fall'n on, He had inevitably done. 
 
 But he, diverted with the care Of Hudibras his hurt, forbare 
 
 To press th' advantage of his fortune, 
 
 While danger did the rest dishearten. 
 For he with Cerdon b'ing engag'd In close encounter, they both wag'd 
 The fight so well, 'twas hard to say Which side was like to get the day= 
 
 And now the busy work of death 
 
 Had tir'd them so they agreed to breathe, 
 Preparing to renew the fight When the disaster of the Knight 
 
 And t'other party did divert Their fell intent, and forc'd them part. 
 
 Ralpho pressed up to Hudibras, And Cerdon where Magnano was, 
 
 Each striving to confirm his party 
 
 With stout encouragements and hearty. 
 
 Quoth Ralpho, Courage, valiant Sir, And let revenge and honour stir, 
 
 Your spirits up ; once more fall on, The shattered foe begins to run : 
 
 For if but half so well you knew To use your victory as subdue, 
 
 They durst not, after such a blow As you have given them, face us now ; 
 
 But from so formidable a soldier 
 
 Had fled like crows when they smell powder : 
 
 Thrice have they seen your sword aloft 
 
 Wav'd o'er their heads, and fled as oft. 
 But if you let them recollect Their spirits, now dismay'd and check'd, 
 You'll have a harder game to play Than yet y' have had to get the day. 
 Thus spoke the stout Squire, but was heard 
 
 By Hudibras with small regard : 
 
 His thoughts were fuller of the bang 
 
 He lately took, than Ralph's harangue. 
 To which he answer'd, Cruel Fate Tells me thy counsel comes too late. 
 The clotted blood within my hose, That from my wounded body flows, 
 With mortal crisis doth portend My days to appropinque an end ; 
 
 I am for action now unfit, Either of fortitude or wit. 
 
 Fortune, my foe, begins to frown, Resolv'd to pull my stomach down. 
 I am not apt, upon a wound Or trivial basting, to despond ; 
 
 Yet I'd be loth my days to curtail : 
 
 For if I thought my wounds not mortal, 
 Or that w* had time enough as yet To make an honourable retreat, 
 
canto in. HUDIBRAS. 39 
 
 'Twere the best course : but if they find 
 
 We fly, and leave our arms behind, 
 For them to seize on, the dishonour, And danger too, is such, I'll sooner 
 Stand to it boldly, and take quarter, To let them see I am no starter. 
 In all the trade of war, no feat Is nobler than a brave retreat : 
 
 For those that run away, and fly, Take place at least of th' enemy. 
 
 This said, the Squire, with active speed, 
 
 Dismounted from his bonny steed, 
 
 To seize the arms, which by mischance 
 
 Fell from the bold Knight in a trance. 
 These being found out, and restor'd To Hudibras, their natural lord, 
 As a man may say, with might and main, He hasted to get up again. 
 Thrice he essayed to mount aloft, But, by his weighty bum, as oft 
 
 He was pull'd back, 'till having found 
 
 Th' advantage of the rising ground, 
 
 Thither he led his warlike steed, 
 
 And having placed him right, with speed 
 Prepaid again to scale the beast, When Orsin, who had newly dress'd 
 
 The bloody scar upon the shoulder 
 
 Of Talgol with Promethean powder, 
 And now was searching for the shot That laid Magnano on the spot, 
 
 Beheld the sturdy Squire aforesaid 
 
 Preparing to climb up his horse-side ; 
 He left his cure, and laying hold Upon his arms, with courage bold, 
 Cry'd out, 'Tis now no time to dally, The enemy begin to rally : 
 
 Let us that are unhurt and whole Fall on, and happy man be's dole. 
 This said, like to a thunderbolt, He flew with fury to th' assault, 
 
 Striving th' enemy to attack Before he reached his horse's back. 
 
 Ralpho was mounted now, and gotten 
 
 O'erthwart his beast with active vaulting, 
 Wriggling his body to recover His seat, and cast his right leg over 
 When Orsin, rushing in, bestow'd On horse and man so heavy a load 
 The beast was startled, and begun To kick and fling like mad, and run, 
 
 Bearing the tough Squire, like a sack, 
 
 Or stout King Richard, on his back ; 
 'Till stumbling, he threw him down, Sore bruis'd, and cast into a swoon. 
 
 Mean while the Knight began to rouse 
 
 The sparkles of his wonted prowess ; 
 He thrust his hand into his hose, And found, both by his eyes and nose, 
 'Twas only choler, and not blood, That from his wounded body flow'd. 
 This, with the hazard of the Squire, Inflam'd him with despiteful ire ; 
 Courageously he fac'd about, And drew his other pistol out ; 
 
 And now had half way bent the cock, 
 
 When Cerdon gave so fierce a shock, 
 
 With sturdy truncheon 'thwart his arm, 
 
 That dowm it fell, and did no harm : 
 Then stoutly pressing on with speed, Assay'd to pull him off his steed. 
 
 The Knight his sword had only left, 
 
 With which he Cerdon's head had cleft, 
 Or at the least cropp'd off a limb, But Orsin came and rescu'd him. 
 He with his lance attack'd the Knight Upon his quarters opposite. 
 
40 HUDIBRAS. PART I. 
 
 (But as a barque, that, in foul weather 
 
 Toss'd by two adverse winds together, 
 Is bruis'd and beaten to and fro, And knows not which to turn him to, 
 
 So far'd the Knight between two foes, 
 
 And knew not which of them to oppose ; 
 'Till Orsin, charging with his lance At Hudibras, by spiteful chance, 
 Hit Cerdon such a bang, as stunn'd And laid him flat upon the ground. 
 
 At this the Knight began to chear up, 
 
 And raising up himself on stirrup, 
 
 Cry'd out Victoria; Lie thou there, 
 
 And I shall straight dispatch another, 
 
 To bear thee company in death ; 
 
 But first Pll halt a while, and breathe, 
 
 As well he might : for Orsin, griev'd, 
 
 At th' wound that Cerdon had receiv'd, 
 Ran to relieve him with his lore, And cure the hurt he gave before. 
 
 Mean while the Knight had wheel'd about, 
 
 To breathe himself, and next find out 
 
 Th' advantage of the ground, where best 
 
 He might the ruffled foe infest. 
 
 This being resolved, he spurr'd his steed, 
 
 To run at Orsin with full speed, 
 While he was busy in the care Of Cerdon's wound, and unaware : 
 
 But he was quick, and had already Unto the part apply'd remedy : 
 
 And seeing th' enemy prepared, Drew up and stood upon his guard. 
 Then, like a warrior right expert And skilful in the martial art, 
 
 The subtle Knight straight made a halt, 
 
 And judged it best to stay the assault, 
 Until he had relieved the Squire, And then (in order) to retire ; 
 
 Or, as occasion should invite, With forces joined renew the fight. 
 
 Ralpho, by this time disentranc'd, Upon his bum himself advanced, 
 
 Though sorely bruis'd, his limbs all o'er 
 
 With ruthless bangs were stiff and sore ; 
 Right fain he would have got upon His feet again, to get him gone. 
 
 When Hudibras to aid him came. 
 
 Quoth he, (and call'd him by his name) 
 Courage, the day at length is cur's, And we once more, as conquerors, 
 Have both the field and honour won, The foe is profligate and run ; 
 
 I mean all such as can, for some 
 
 This hand hath sent to their long home ; 
 
 And some lie sprawling on the ground, 
 
 With many a gash and bloody wound. 
 Caesar himself could never say He got two victories in a day, 
 
 As I have done, that can say, Twice I, In one day, Veni^ Vidi, Vici. 
 The foe's so numerous, that we Cannot so often vince 
 
 And they fterire, and yet enough Be left to strike an after-blow ; 
 
 Then lest they rally, and once more Put us to fight the business o"e:\ 
 
 Get up and mount thy steed, dispatch, 
 
 And let us both their motions watch. 
 Quoth Ralph, I should not, if I were In case for action now be here ; 
 Nor have I turned my back, or hang'd An arse, for fear of being hang'd. 
 
canto in. HUDIBRAS. 41 
 
 It was for you I got these harms, Adventuring to fetch off your arms. 
 
 The blows and drubs I have received, 
 
 Have bruised my body, and bereaved 
 
 My limbs of strength : unless you stoop, 
 
 And reach your hand to pull me up, 
 I shall lie here and be a prey To those who now are run away. 
 
 That thou shalt not (quoth Hudibras) : 
 
 We read, the ancients held it was 
 More honourable far servare Civem, than slay an adversary ; 
 
 The one we oft to-day have done, The other shall dispatch anon : 
 
 And though th' art of a diffrent church, 
 
 I will not leave thee in the lurch. 
 
 This said, he jogged his good steed nigher, 
 
 And steer'd him gently toward the Squire, 
 
 Then bowing down his body, stretch' d 
 
 His hand out, and at Ralpho reach'd ; 
 
 When Trulla, whom he did not mind, 
 
 Charged him like lightning behind. 
 She had been long in search about, Magnano's wound to find it out ; 
 
 But could find none, nor where the shot 
 
 That had so startled him was got. 
 But having found the worst was past, She fell to her own work at last, 
 The pillage of the prisoners, Which in all feats of arms were her's ; 
 And now to plunder Ralph she flew, When Hudibras his hard fate drew 
 To succour him ; for, as he bow'd To help him up, she laid a load 
 
 Of blows so heavy, and placed so well, On t'other side, that down he fell. 
 Yield, scoundrel base (quoth she), or die, Thy life is mine, and liberty ; 
 But if thou think'st I took thee tardy, And dar 7 st presume to be so hardy 
 To try thy fortune o'er a-fresh, Til wave my title to thy flesh, 
 
 Thy arms and baggage, now my right, 
 
 And, if thou hast the heart to try't, 
 I'll lend thee back thyself a while, And once more, for that carcase vile, 
 Fight upon tick. — Quoth Hudibras, Thou offer'st nobly, valiant lass, 
 And I shall take thee at thy word : First let me rise, and take my sword, 
 
 That sword which has so oft this day 
 
 Through squadrons of my foes made way, 
 
 And some to other worlds dispatch'd, 
 
 Now with a feeble spinster matched, 
 
 Will blush with blood ignoble stain'd, 
 
 By which no honour's to be gain'd. 
 
 But if thou'lt take m' advice in this, 
 
 Consider whil'st thou may'st, what 'tis 
 To interrupt a victor's course, B' opposing such a trivial force : 
 
 For if with conquest I come off, (And that I shall do sure enough) 
 Quarter thou can'st not have, nor grace, By law of arms in such a case; 
 
 Both which I now do offer freely. 
 
 I scorn (quoth she), thou coxcomb silly, 
 
 (Clapping her hand upon her breech, 
 
 To show how much she prized his speech) 
 Quarter or counsel from a foe ; If thou can'st force me to it, do. 
 
 But lest it should again be said, When I have once more won thy head, 
 
42 HUDIBRAS. part I. 
 
 I took thee napping, unprepared, Arm, and betake thee to thy guard. 
 This said, she to her tackle fell, And on the Knight let fall a peal 
 
 Of blows so fierce, and pressed so home, 
 
 That he retired and follow' d's bum. 
 Stand to't (quoth she), or yield to mercy, It is not fighting arsie-versie 
 
 Shall serve thy turn. — This stirr'd his spleen 
 
 More than the danger he was in, 
 The blows he felt, or was to feel, Although th' already made him reel, 
 Honour, despite, revenge, and shame, At once into his stomach came ; 
 Which fir'd it so, he rais'd his arm Above his head, and rain'd a storm 
 Of blows so terrible and thick, As if he meant to hash her quick. 
 
 But she upon her truncheon took them, 
 
 And by oblique diversion broke them, 
 Waiting an opportunity To pay all back with usury, 
 
 Which long she fail'd not of, for now 
 
 The Knight, with one dead-doing blow, 
 Resolving to decide the fight, And she, with quick and cunning flight, 
 Avoiding it, the force and weight He charged upon it was so great, 
 
 As almost sway'd him to the ground. 
 
 No sooner she th' advantage found, 
 
 But in she flew ; and seconding, 
 
 With home-made thrust, the heavy swing, 
 She laid him flat upon his side, And mounting on his trunk a-stride, 
 
 Quoth she, I told thee what would come 
 
 Of all thy vapouring, base scum. 
 Say, will the law of arms allow I may have grace and quarter now ? 
 
 Or wilt thou rather break thy word, 
 
 And stain thine honour than thy sword ? 
 A man of war to damn his soul, In basely breaking his parole ; 
 
 And when, before th' fight, th' had'st vow'd 
 
 To give no quarter in cold blood ; 
 
 Now thou hast got me for a Tartar, 
 
 To make me 'gainst my will take quarter : 
 Why dost not put me to the sword, But cowardly fly from thy word ? 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, The day's thine own ; 
 
 Thou and thy stars have cast me down ; 
 My laurels are transplanted now, And flourish on thy conquering brow : 
 
 My loss of honour's great enough, 
 
 Thou need'st not brand it with a scoff ; 
 Sarcasms may eclipse thine own, But cannot blur my lost renown : 
 I am not now in Fortune's power, He that is down can fall no lower. 
 The ancient heroes were illustrious For being benign, and not blustrous 
 
 Against a vanquish'd foe ; their swords 
 
 Were sharp and trenchant, not their words ; 
 And did in fight but cut work out T' employ their courtesies about. 
 
 Quoth she, Although thou hast deser^d 
 
 Base slubberdegullion, to be serv'd 
 As thou dids't vow to deal with me, If thou had'st got the victory ; 
 
 Yet I shall rather act a part That suits my fame, than thy desert 
 
 Thy arms, thy liberty, beside All that's on th' outside of thy hide, 
 
 Are mine by military law, Of which I will not bate one straw : 
 
canto ill. HUDIBRAS. 43 
 
 The rest, thy life and limbs, once more, Though doubly forfeit, I restore. 
 Quoth Hudibras, It is too late For me to treat or stipulate ; 
 
 What thou command'st I must obey : Yet those whom I expugn'd to day; 
 Of thine own party, I let go, And gave them life and freedom too ; 
 
 Both Dogs .and Bear, upon their parol, 
 
 Whom I took prisoners in this quarrel. 
 Quoth Trulla, Whether thou or they Let one another run away, 
 
 Concerns not me ; but was't not thou That gave Crowdero quarter too ? 
 Crowdero, whom in irons bound, Thou basely threw'st into Lob's pound. 
 Where still he lies, and with regret His generous bowels rage and fret, 
 But now thy carcase shall redeem, And serve to be exchanged for him. 
 
 This said, the Knight did straight submit, 
 
 And laid his weapons at her feet ; 
 Next he disrob'd his gaberdine, And with it did himself resign. 
 
 She took it, and forthwith divesting 
 
 The mantle that she wore, said jesting, 
 Take that, and wear it for my sake ; Then threw it o'er his sturdy back. 
 
 And as the French were conquered once, 
 
 Now give us laws for pantaloons, 
 
 The length of breeches, and the gathers, 
 
 Port-cannons, perriwigs, and feathers ; 
 Just so the proud insulting lass Array'd and dighted Hudibras. 
 
 Meanwhile the other champions, yerst 
 
 In hurry of the fight dispers'd, 
 Arriv'd, when Trulla won the day, To share in th' honour and the prey, 
 And out of Hudibras his hide With vengeance to be satisfy' d ; 
 
 Which now they were about to pour Upon him in a w r ooden show'r ; 
 But Trulla thrust herself between, And striding o'er his back again, 
 
 She brandish'd o'er her head his sword, 
 
 And vow'd they should not break her word ; 
 
 Sh' had given him quarter, and her blood 
 
 Or their's should make that quarter good : 
 For she was bound by law of arms To see him safe from further harms. 
 In dungeon deep Crowdero, cast By Hudibras, as yet lay fast ; 
 
 Where, to the hard and ruthless stones, 
 
 His great heart made perpetual moans ; 
 Him she resolved that Hudibras Should ransom and supply his place. 
 
 This stopp'd their fury, and the basting 
 
 Which toward Hudibras was hasting. 
 
 They thought it was but just and right, 
 
 That what she had achiev'd in fight, 
 She should dispose of how she pleas'd ; Crowdero ought to be releas'd ; 
 Nor could that any way be done So well as this she pitched upon ; 
 
 For who a better could imagine ? 
 
 This therefore they resolv'd t' engage in. 
 
 The Knight and Squire first they made 
 
 Rise from the ground where they were laid, 
 
 Then mounted both upon their horses, 
 
 But with their faces to their arses. 
 Orsin led Hudibras's beast, And Talgol that which Ralpho press'd, 
 Whom stout Magnano, valiant Cerdon, And Colon waited as a guard on; 
 
44 HUD1BRAS. PART I. 
 
 All ushering Trulla in the rear, With the arms of either prisoner. 
 
 In this proud order and array They put themselves upon their way, 
 
 Striving to reach the enchanted castle, 
 
 Where stout Crowdero in durance lay still. 
 Thither, with greater speed than shows And triumph over conquered foes 
 Do use t' allow, or than the bears, Or pageants born before Lord Mayors, 
 Are wont to use, they soon arrived In order, soldier-like contriv'd ; 
 
 Still marching in a war-like posture, As fit for battle as for muster. 
 
 The Knight and Squire they first unhorse, 
 
 And bending 'gainst the fort their force. 
 They all advanced, and round about Begirt the magical redoubt. 
 
 Magnan' led up in this adventure, And made way for the rest to enter : 
 For he was skilful in black art, No less than he that built the fort ; 
 And with an iron mace laid flat A breach which straight all entered at ; 
 And in the wooden dungeon found Crowdero laid upon the ground. 
 Him they release from durance base, Restored t' his fiddle and his case, 
 And liberty, his thirsty rage With luscious vengeance to asswage : 
 
 For he no sooner was at large, 
 
 But Trulla straight brought on the charge, 
 
 And in the self-same Limbo put 
 
 The Knight and Squire where he was shut : 
 
 Where leaving them in Hockley i' th' hole, 
 
 Their bangs and durance to condole, 
 Confm'd and conjur'd into narrow Enchanted mansion to know sorrow, 
 In the same order and array Which they advanc'd they march'd away ; 
 But Hudibras, who scorn' d to stoop To fortune, or be said to droop, 
 Cheated up himself with ends of verse, And sayings of philosophers. 
 Quoth he, Th/ one half of man, his mind, Is sui juris, unconfin'd, 
 And cannot be laid by the heels, Whate'er the other moiety feels. 
 
 'Tis not restraint nor liberty That makes men prisoners or free ; 
 
 But perturbations that possess The mind or equanimities. 
 
 The whole world was not half so wide To Alexander, when he cry'd, 
 Because he had but one to subdue, As was a paltry narrow tub to 
 
 Diogenes, who is not said (For ought that ever I could read) 
 
 To whine, put finger i' th' eye, and sob, Because h' had ne'er another tub. 
 The ancients make two several kinds Of prowess in heroic minds, 
 
 The active and the passive valiant ; Both which axe pari libra gallant ; 
 For both to give blows and to carry In fights are equi-necessary : 
 
 But in defeats, the passive stout Are always found to stand it out 
 
 Most desperately and to out-do The active, 'gainst a conqu'ring foe. 
 
 Tho' we with blacks and blues are sugilPd, 
 
 Or, as the vulgar say, are cudgell'd, 
 
 He that is valiant, and dares fight, 
 
 Though drubb'd can lose no honour by't. 
 Honour's a lease for lives to come, And cannot be extended from 
 
 The legal tenant : 'tis a chattel Not to be forfeited in battle. 
 
 If he that in the field is slain Be in the bed of honour lain, 
 
 He that is beaten may be said ' To lie in honour's truckle-bed. 
 
 For as we see th' eclipsed sun By mortals is more gaz'd upon, 
 
 Than when adorn'd with all his light, 
 
 He shines in serene sky most bright ; 
 
canto in. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 45 
 
 So valour in a low estate, Is most admir'd and wonder'd at. 
 
 Quoth Ralph, How great I do not know 
 
 We may by being beaten grow ; 
 But none, that see how here we sit, Will judge us overgrown with wit. 
 As gifted brethren, preaching by A carnal hour-glass do imply 
 
 Illumination can convey Into them what they have to say, 
 
 But not how much ; so well enough 
 
 Know you to charge, but not draw off 
 For who, without a cap and bauble, Having subdued a Bear and rabble, 
 And might with honour have come off, Would put it to a second proof ? 
 A politic exploit, right fit For Presbyterian zeal and wit. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, That cuckow's tone, 
 
 Ralpho thou always harp's t upon : 
 When thou at anything would'st rail, Thou mak'st Presbytery thy scale 
 To take the height on't, and explain To what degree it is prophane ; 
 
 Whatsoever will not with (thy what d'ye call) 
 
 Thy light jump right, thou call'st synodical. 
 As if Presbytery were a standard, To size whats'ever's to be slandered. 
 Dost not remember how, this day, Thou to my beard was bold to say, 
 
 That thou could'st prove Bear-baiting, equal 
 
 With synods, orthodox and legal ? 
 Do, if thou can'st, for I deny't, And dare thee to't with all thy light. 
 Quoth Ralpho, Truly, that is no Hard matter for a man to do, 
 
 That has but any guts in's brains, And could believe it worth his pains : 
 
 But since you dare and urge me to it, 
 
 You'll find I've light enough to do it. 
 
 Synods are mystical bear-gardens, 
 
 Where elders, deputies, church-wardens, 
 And other members of the court, Manage the Babylonish sport, 
 
 For prolocutor, scribe, and bear- ward, Do differ only in a mere word. 
 Both are but sev'ral synagogues Of carnal men, and bears and dogs : 
 Both Antichristian assemblies, To mischief bent as far ? s in them lies : 
 
 Both stave and tail, with fierce contests, 
 
 The one with men, the other beasts. 
 
 The difFrence is, the one fights with 
 
 The tongue, the other with the teeth ; 
 
 And that they bait but bears in this, 
 
 In th J other souls and consciences ; 
 
 Where saints themselves are brought to stake 
 
 For gospel-light and conscience sake ; 
 Expos'd to scribes and Presbyters, Instead of mastiff dogs and curs : 
 Than whom th' have less humanity, For these as souls of men will fly. 
 This to the prophet did appear, Who in a vision saw a Bear, 
 
 Prefiguring the beastly rage Of church-rule, in this latter age ; 
 
 As is demonstrated at full By him that baited the Pope's bull. 
 
 Bears naturally are beasts of prey, That live by rapine ; so do they. 
 
 /What are their orders, constitutions, 
 
 Church-censures, curses, absolutions, 
 J But sev'ral mystic chains they make To tie poor Christians to the stake ; 
 /And then set Heathen officers, Instead of dogs, about their ears ? 
 
 For to prohibit and dispense, To find out, or to make offence ; 
 
46 HUDIBRAS. part I. 
 
 (_ Of hell and heaven to dispose, To play with souls at fast and loose 
 /To set what characters they please, And mulcts on sin or godliness 
 ^Reduce the church to gospel-order, By rapine, sacrilege, and murder 
 To make Presbytery supreme And Kings themselves submit to them 
 And force all people, though against Their consciences, to turn saints 
 | Must prove a pretty thriving trade, When saints monopolists are made 
 ■ When pious frauds and holy shifts Are dispensations and gifts 
 
 There godliness becomes mere ware, And every synod but a fair 
 
 Synods are whelps of th' inquisition, A mongrel breed of like pernicion 
 And growing up, became the fires Of scribes, commissioners, and triers 
 Whose bus'ness is, by cunning flight, To cast a figure for men's light 
 To find, in lines of beard and face, The physiognomy of grace 
 
 And by the sound and twang of nose, If all be sound within, disclose 
 Free from a crack or flaw of sinning, As men try pipkins by the ringing 
 By black caps, underlaid with white, Give certain guess at inward light 
 Which sergeants at the gospel wear, To make the spiritual calling clear, 
 The handkerchief about the neck (Canonical cravat of Smec, 
 
 From whom the institution came 
 
 When church and state they set on flame, 
 And worn by them as badges then Of spiritual warfaring men) 
 
 Judge rightly if regeneration Be of the newest cut in fashion : 
 
 Sure 'tis an orthodox opinion That grace is founded in dominion. 
 
 Great piety consists in pride ; To rule is to be sanctify'd : 
 
 To domineer, and to controul, Both o'er the body and the soul, 
 
 Is the most perfect discipline Of church-rule, and by right divine. 
 
 Bell and the Dragon's chaplains were More moderate than these by far : 
 
 For they (poor knaves) were glad to cheat, 
 
 To get their wives and children meat ; 
 
 But these will not be fobbed off so, 
 
 They must have wealth and power too ; 
 
 Or else with blood and desolation 
 
 They'll tear it out o' th' heart o' th' nation. 
 
 Sure these themselves from primitive 
 
 And Heathen priesthood do derive. 
 When butchers were their only clerks, Elders, and presbyters of kirks, 
 Whose directory was to kill, And some believe it is so still. 
 
 The only din° rence is, that then They slaughter'd only beasts, now men. 
 For then to sacrifice a bullock, Or, now and then, a child, to Moloch, 
 They count a vile abomination, But not to slaughter a whole nation. 
 Presbytery does but translate The Papacy to a free state ; 
 
 A common-wealth of Popery Where every village is a see 
 
 As well as Rome, and must maintain A tithe-pig metropolitan ; 
 
 Where every Presbyter and Deacon 
 
 Commands the keys for cheese and bacon, 
 And every hamlet's governed By's Holiness, the church's head, 
 
 More haughty and severe in's place Than Gregory or Boniface. 
 
 Such church must (surely) be a monster 
 
 With many heads : for if we conster 
 What in th' Apocalyps we find, According to th' Apostle's mind, 
 
 'Tis that the Whore of Babylon With many heads did ride upon ; 
 
 Which heads denote the sinful tribe Of deacon, priest, lay-elder, scribe. 
 
canto in. HUDIBRAS. 47 
 
 /"Lay-elder, Simeon to Levi, Whose little finger is as heavy 
 
 As loins of patriarchs, prince-prelates, And bishop-secular. This zealot 
 Is of a mongrel, diverse kind, Clerics before, and lay behind ; 
 
 A lawless linsy-woolsy brother, Half of one order, half another ; 
 
 A creature of amphibious nature, On land a beast, a fish in water : 
 
 That always preys on grace or sin, A sheep without, a wolf within. 
 
 This fierce inquisitor has chief Dominion over men's belief 
 
 ' nd manners ; can pronounce a saint Idolatrous, or ignorant, 
 
 When superciliously he sifts 
 
 Through coarsest boulter other's gifts : 
 For all men live and judge amiss Whose talents jump not just with his. 
 
 He'll lay on gifts with hands, and place 
 
 On dullest noddle light and grace, 
 The manufacture of the kirk. Those pastors are but th' handy-work 
 Of his mechanic paws, instilling Divinity in them by feeling ; 
 
 From whence they start up chosen vessels, 
 
 Made by contact, as men get meazles. 
 So Cardinals, they say, do grope At th' other end the new-made Pope. 
 
 Hold, hold, quoth Hudibras, Soft fire, 
 
 They say does make sweet malt. Good Squire, 
 Festina lente. Not too fast ; For haste (the proverb says) makes waste. 
 The quirks and cavils thou dost make Are false, and built upon mistake. 
 And I shall bring you with your pack Of falacies, VElenchi back ; 
 
 And put your arguments in mood And figure to be understood. 
 
 I'll force you by right ratiocination To leave your vitilitigation. 
 
 And make you keep to the question close, And argue dialectic's. 
 
 The question then, to state it first, Is, which is better, or which worst, 
 Synods or Bears. Bears I avow To be the worst, and Synods thou, 
 But to make good th' affection, Thou say'st th' are really all one. 
 
 If so, not worse ; for if th' are idem. Why then tantitndem dat tantidemj 
 For if they are the same, by course, Neither is better, neither worse : 
 But I deny they are the same, More than a maggot and I am. 
 
 That both are animalia, I grant, but not rationalia : 
 
 For though they do agree in kind, Specific difference we find, 
 
 And can no more make Bears of these Than prove my horse is Socrates. 
 That Synods are bear-gardens too, Thou dost affirm ; but I say, No : 
 And thus I prove it, in a word, Whats'ever assembly's not impower'd 
 
 To censure, curse, absolve, and ordain 
 
 Can be no Synod : But bear-garden 
 Has no such power, ergo 'tis none ; And so thy sophistry's o'erthrown. 
 
 But yet we are beside the question, 
 
 Which thou didst raise the first contest on ; 
 
 For that was, Whether Bears are better 
 
 Than Synod-men ? I say, Negatur. 
 
 That Bears are beasts, and Synods men, 
 
 Is held by all : They're better then ; 
 For Bears and Dogs on four legs go, As beasts ; but Synod-men on two. 
 
 'Tis true they all have teeth and nails ; 
 
 But prove that Synod-men have tails, 
 Or that a rugged, shaggy fur Grows o'er the hide of Presbyter, 
 
 Or that his snout and spacious ears Do hold proportion with a Bear's. 
 
48 HUDIBKAS. part I. 
 
 A Bear's a savage beast, of all Most ugly and unnatural, 
 
 Whelp'd without form, until the dam Has lick'd it into shape and frame ; 
 But all thy light can ne'er evict That ever Synod-man was lick'd, 
 
 Or brought in any other fashion, Than his own will and inclination. 
 But thou dost further yet in his Oppugn thyself and sense, that is, 
 
 Thou would'st have Presbyters to go 
 
 For Bears and Dogs, and Bearwards too : 
 A strange chimsera of beasts and men, Made up of pieces heterogene ; 
 Such as in nature never met In codcm subjecto yet. 
 
 Thy other arguments are all Supposures, hypothetical, 
 
 That do but beg, and we may chuse Either to grant them, or refuse. 
 
 Much thou hast said, which I know when 
 
 And where thou stol'st from other men, 
 (Whereby 'tis plain thy light and gifts Are all but plagiary shifts) ; 
 
 And is the same that Ranter said, 
 
 Who, arguing with me, broke my head, 
 And tore a handful of my beard. The self-same cavils then I heard, 
 When, b'ing in hot dispute about This controversy, we fell out : 
 
 And what thou know'st I answered then 
 
 Will serve to answer thee again. 
 Quoth Ralpho, Nothing but th' abuse Of human learning you produce ; 
 Learning that cobweb of the brain, Profane, erroneous, and vain : 
 
 A trade of knowledge as replete As others are with fraud and cheat ; 
 An art t'incumber gifts and wit, And render both for nothing fit ; 
 
 Makes light unactive, dull and troubled, 
 
 Like little David in Saul's doublet ; 
 A cheat that scholars put upon Other men's reason and their own ; 
 A sort of error to ensconce Absurdity and ignorance, 
 
 That renders all the avenues To truth impervious and abtruse, 
 
 By making plain things, in debate, By art perplex'd and intricate : 
 
 For nothing goes for sense, or light, 
 
 That will not with old rules jump right ; 
 
 As if rules were not in the schools 
 
 Deriv'd from truth, but truth from rules. 
 This Pagan Heathenish invention Is good for nothing but contention : 
 For as in sword-and-buckler fight, All blows do on the target light ; 
 
 So when men argue, the great' st part 
 
 O' the contest falls on terms of art, 
 Until the fustian stuff be spent, And then they fall to th' argument. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, Friend Ralph, thou hast 
 
 Out-run the constable at last : 
 For thou art fallen on a new Dispute, as senseless as untrue, 
 
 But to the former opposite, And contraiy as black to white ; 
 
 Mere disparata, that concerning Presbytery, this human learning ; 
 Two things s' averse, they never yet But in thy rambling fancy met. 
 But I shall take a fit occasion T' evince thee by ratiocination, 
 
 Some other time, in place more proper 
 
 Than this we're in ; therefore let's stop here, 
 And rest our weary'd bones a-while, Already tir'd with other toiL 
 
canto I. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 PART II. 
 
 49 
 
 CANTO I. — Argument. 
 
 The Knight, by damnable magician, Being cast illegally in prison, 
 
 Love brings his action on the case, And lays it upon Hudibras. 
 
 How he receives the Lady's visit, And cunningly solicits his suit, 
 
 Which she defers ; yet, on parole, Redeems him from th* enchanted hole. 
 
 But now, t' observe romantic method, 
 
 Let bloody steel a while be sheathed ; 
 
 And all those harsh and rugged sounds 
 
 Of bastinados, cuts, and wounds, 
 
 Exchang'd to Love's more gentle style, 
 
 To let our reader breath a-while : 
 In which that we may be as brief as Is possible by way of preface, 
 
 Is't not enough to make one strange 
 
 That some men's fancies should ne'er change 
 
 But make all people do and say, 
 
 The same things still the self-same way ? 
 
 Some writers make all ladies purloin'd, 
 
 And knights pursuing like a whirlwind : 
 Others make all their knights, in fits Of jealousy, to lose their wits ; 
 
 Till drawing blood o' th' dames, like witches 
 
 Th ? are forthwith cur'd of their capriches. 
 Some always thrive in their amours, By pulling plaisters off their sores; 
 As cripples do to get an alms, Just so do they, and win their dames. 
 Some force whole regions, in despite O' geography, to change their site; 
 
 Make former times shake hands with latter, 
 
 And that which was before come after. 
 
 But those that write in rhime, still make 
 
 The one verse for the other's sake ; 
 For one for sense, and one for rhime, I think's sufficient at one time, 
 But we forgot in what sad plight We whilom left the captiv'd Knight, 
 
 And pensive Squire, both bruis'd in body 
 
 And conjur'd into safe custody ; 
 
 Tifd with dispute, and speaking Latin, 
 
 As well as basting and bear-baiting, 
 And desperate of any course To free himself by wit or force ; 
 
 His only solace was, that now His dog-bolt fortune was so low, 
 
 That either it must quickly end, Or turn about again, and mend ; 
 
 In which he found th' event, no less Than other times, beside his guess. 
 There is a tall long-sided dame, (But wondrous light) ycleped Fame, 
 That like a thin camelion boards Herself on air, and eats her words : 
 
 Upon her shoulders wings she wears, 
 
 Like hanging sleeves, lin'd thro' with ears, 
 And eyes and tongues, as poets list, Made good by deep mythologist, 
 
 With these she through the welkin flies, 
 
 And sometimes carries truth, oft lies ; 
 
 With letters hung, like eastern pigeons, 
 
 And Mercuries of furthest regions, 
 Diurnals writ for regulation Of lying to inform the nation, 
 
 4 
 
So 
 
 HUDIBRAS. 
 
 And by their public use to bring down 
 
 The rate of whetstones in the kingdom. 
 
 About her neck a pacquet-mail, 
 
 Fraught with advice, some fresh, some stale, 
 
 Of men that walk'd when they were dead, 
 
 And cows of monsters brought to bed, 
 
 Of hailstones big as pullets eggs, 
 
 And puppies whelped with twice two legs, 
 A blazing star seen in the west, By six or seven men at least. 
 
 Two trumpets she does sound at once, 
 
 But both of clean contrary tones ; 
 But whether both with the same wind, Or one before, and one behind, 
 We know not, only this can tell, The one sounds vilely, the other well; 
 And therefore vulgar authors name The one Good, the other Evil Fame. 
 This tattling gossip knew too well, What mischief Hudibras befel, 
 
 And straight the spiteful tidings bears Of all to th' unkind widow's ears. 
 rDemocritus ne'er laugh' d so loud, 
 
 To see bawds carted through the crowd, 
 Or funerals with stately pomp March slowly on in solemn dump, 
 
 As she laugh'd out, until her back, As well as sides were like to crack. 
 She vow'd she would go see the sight, And visit the distressed Knight ; 
 To do the office of a neighbour, And be a gossip at his labour ; 
 
 And from his wooden jail, the stocks, To set at large his fetter-locks, 
 
 And by exchange, parole or ransom, 
 
 To free him from th' enchanted mansion. 
 This b'ing resolv'd, she call'd for hood And usher, implements abroad, 
 
 Which ladies wear, beside a slender 
 
 Young waiting damsel to attend her. 
 All which appearing, on she went To find the Knight in limbo pent. 
 
 And 'twas not long before she found 
 
 Him and his stout Squire in the pound, 
 Both coupled in enchanted tether, By further leg behind together : 
 For, as he sat upon his rump, His head, like one in doleful dump, 
 
 Between his knees, his hands apply'd Unto his ears on either side, 
 And by him, in another hole, Afflicted Ralpho, cheek by joul, 
 
 She came upon him, in his wooden Magician's circle, on the sudden, 
 As spirits do f a conjurer, When in their dreadful shapes th' appear. 
 No sooner did the Knight perceive her, But straight he fell into a fever, 
 Innam'd all over with disgrace, To be seen by her in such a place; 
 
 Which made him hang his head, and scoul, 
 
 And wink and goggle like an owl ; 
 He felt his brains begin to swim, When thus the Dame accosted him: 
 
 This place (quoth she) they say's enchanted, 
 
 And with delinquent spirits haunted, 
 
 That here are ty'd in chains, and scourg'd, 
 
 Until their guilty crimes be-purg'd ; 
 
 Look, there are two of them appear, 
 
 Like persons I have seen somewhere. 
 Some have mistaken blocks and posts For spectres, apparitions, ghosts, 
 
 With saucer eyes and horns ; and some 
 
 Have heard the devil beat a drum ; 
 
CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 Si 
 
 But if our eyes are not false glasses, 
 
 That give a wrong account of faces, 
 
 That beard and I should be acquainted, 
 
 Before 'twas conjur'd and enchanted : 
 For though it be disfigufd somewhat, As if 't had lately been in combat, 
 It did belong to a worthy Knight, Howe'er this goblin is come by't. 
 When Hudibras the Lady heard, Discoursing thus upon his beard, 
 
 And speak with such respect and honour, 
 
 Both of the beard and the beard's owner, 
 He thought it best to set as good A face upon it as he could, 
 
 And thus he spoke : Lady, your bright 
 
 And radiant eyes are in the right ; 
 The beard's th' identic beard you knew, The same numerically true ; 
 Nor is it worn by fiend or elf, But its proprietor himself. 
 
 O Heavens ! quoth she, can that be true ? I do begin to fear 'tis you : 
 Not by your individual whiskers, But by your dialect and discourse, 
 That never spoke to man or beast In notions vulgarly expressed. 
 
 But what malignant star, alas ! Has brought you both to this sad pass ? 
 Quoth he, The fortune of the war, Which I am less afflicted for, 
 
 Than to be seen with beard and face By you in such a homely case. 
 Quoth she, Those need not be asham'd For being honourably maim'd; 
 If he that is in battle conquered, Have any title to his own beard, 
 
 Though yours be sorely lugg'd and torn, 
 
 It does your visage more adorn, 
 
 Than if 't were prun'd, and starch'd, and lander'd, 
 
 And cut square by the Russian standard. 
 
 A torn beard 's like a tatter' d ensign, 
 
 That's bravest which there are most rents in. 
 
 That petticoat about your shoulders 
 
 Does not so well become a soldier's ; 
 
 And I'm afraid they are worse handled, 
 
 Although i' th' rear, your beard the van led : 
 And those uneasy bruises make My heart for company to ach, 
 
 To see so worshipful a friend F th' pillory set at the wrong end. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, This thing call'd pain 
 
 Is (as the learned Stoics maintain) 
 Not bad simpliciter, nor good ; But merely as 'tis understood. 
 
 Sense is deceitful, and may feign, As well in counterfeiting pain 
 
 As others gross phasnomenas In which it oft mistakes the case. 
 
 But since th' immortal intellect (That's free from error and defect 
 
 Whose objects still persist the same) 
 
 Is free from outward bruise or maim, 
 Which nought external can expose To gross material bangs or blows, 
 I| follows, we can ne'er be sure Whether we pain or not endure : 
 
 > And just so far are sore and grjev'd As by the fancy is belie^d. 
 
 Some have been wounded with conceit, 
 
 And died of meer opinion straight ; 
 Others, though wounded sore in reason, Felt no contusion or discretion. 
 A Saxon Duke did grow so fat, That mice (as histories relate) 
 
 Ate grots and labyrinths to dwell in 
 
 His postique parts, without his feeling. 
 
 4—2 
 
52 
 
 HUDIBRAS. PART II. 
 
 Then how's it possible a kick 
 
 Should e'er reach that way to the quick ? 
 Quoth she, I grant it is in vain For one that's basted to feel pain, 
 Because the pangs his bones endure Contribute nothing to the cure ; 
 Yet honour hurt, is wont to rage With pain no medicine can asswage. 
 Quoth he, That honour's very squeamish, 
 
 That takes a basting for a blemish : 
 
 For what's more honourable than scars, 
 
 Or skin to tatters rent in wars ? 
 
 Some have been beaten till they know 
 
 What wood a cudgel's of by th' blow ; 
 
 Some kick'd, until they can feel whether 
 
 A shoe be Spanish or neat's leather ; 
 
 And yet have met after long running, 
 
 With some whom they have taught that cunning. 
 The furthest way about t'o'ercome, In th' end does prove the nearest home. 
 By laws of learned duellists, They that are bruis'd with wood or fists, 
 And think one beating may for once Suffice, are cowards and poltroons : 
 
 But if they dared t' engage a second, 
 
 They're stout and gallant fellows reckon'd. 
 Th' old Romans freedom did bestow, Our Princes worship with a blow. 
 King Pyrrhus cur'd his splenetic And testy courtiers with a kick. 
 
 The Negus, when some mighty lord, Or potentate's to be restored, 
 
 And pardon'd for some great offence, 
 
 With which he's willing to dispence, 
 First has him laid upon his belly, Then beaten back and side t' a jelly. 
 
 That done, he rises, humbly bows, 
 
 And gives thanks for the princely blows, 
 Departs not meanly proud, and boasting Of his magnificent rib-roasting. 
 
 The beaten soldier proves most manful, 
 
 That like his sword, endures the anvil ; 
 And justly's held more formidable, The more his valour's malleable : 
 But he that fears a bastinado Will run away from his own shadow : 
 And though I'm now in durance fast, By our own party basely cast, 
 Ransom, exchange, parole, refus'd, And worse than by the en'my us'd ; 
 In close catasta shut, past hope Of wit, or valour to elope ; 
 
 As beards the nearer that they tend 
 
 To th' earth still grow more reverend ; 
 
 And cannons shoot the higher pitches, 
 
 The lower we let down their breeches : 
 I'll make this low dejected fate Advance me to a greater height. 
 
 Quoth she, Y' have almost made me in love 
 
 With that which did my pity move. 
 
 Great wits and valours, like great states, 
 
 Do sometimes sink with their own weights ; 
 Th' extremes of glory and of shame, Like east and west, become the same: 
 
 No Indian prince has to his palace 
 
 More foll'wers than a thief to the gallows. 
 But if a beating seem so brave, What glories must a whipping have? 
 Such great achievements cannot fail To cast fault on a woman's tail : 
 
CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 53 
 
 For if I thought your nat'ral talent 
 
 Of passive courage were so gallant, 
 As you strain hard to have it thought, I could grow amorous, and dote. 
 When Hudibras this language heard, 
 
 He pricked up's ears, and stroked his beard. 
 
 Thought he, this is the lucky hour, 
 
 Wines work when vines are in the flow'r ; 
 This crisis then Fll set my rest on And put her boldly to the question. 
 Madam, What you would seem to doubt 
 
 Shall be to all the world made out ; 
 How I've been drubb'd, and with that spirit And magnanimity I bear it ; 
 And if you doubt it to be true, I'll stake myself down against you : 
 And if I fail in love or troth, Be you the winner, and take both. 
 
 Quoth she, I've heard old cunning stagers 
 -Say, Fools for arguments use wagers «*-n^~ 
 And though I praised your valour, yet I did not mean to baulk your wit ; 
 
 Which if you have, you must needs know 
 
 What I have told you before now, 
 And you b' experiment have prov'd, I cannot love where I'm beldv'd. 
 Quoth Hudibras, 'Tis a caprich Beyond the infliction of a witch ; 
 So cheats to play with those still aim That do not understand the game. 
 Love in your heart as idly burns As fire in antique Roman urns, 
 
 To warm the dead, and vainly light Those only that see nothing by't. 
 Have you not power to entertain, And render love for love again ? 
 
 As no man can draw in his breath, At once, and force out air beneath. 
 Or do you love yourself so much, To bear all rivals else a grutch ? 
 
 What fate can lay a greater curse Than you upon yourself would force ? 
 For wedlock without love, some say, Is but a lock without a key. 
 
 It is a kind of rape to marry One that neglects or cares not for ye : 
 For what does make it ravishment But b'ing against the mind's consent ? 
 A rape that is the more inhuman, For being acted by a woman. 
 
 Why are you fair but to entice us To love you that you may despise us ? 
 But though you cannot love, you say, Out of your own fanatic way, 
 Why should you not at least allow Those that love you to do so too ? 
 For, as you fly me and pursue Love more averse, so I do you ;. 
 
 And am by your own doctrine taught To practise what you call a fault. 
 Quoth she, If what you say is true, You must fly me, as I do you ; 
 But 'tis not what we do, but say In love and preaching that must sway. 
 | Quoth he, To bid me not to love, Is to forbid my pulse to move, / 
 
 My beard to grow, my ears to prick up, 
 
 Or (when I'm in a fit) to hickup. 
 Love's power's too great to be withstood By feeble human flesh and blood. I 
 3 Twas he that brought upon his knees The Hect'ring kill-cow Hercules ; 
 Transform'd his leager-lion's skin T' a petticoat, and made him spin ; 
 Seiz'd on his club, and made it dwindle T' a feeble distaff and a spindle. 
 ? Twas he made Emperors gallants To their own sisters and their aunts ; 
 Set Popes and Cardinals agog, To play with pages at leap-frog. 
 
 'Twas he that gave our senate purges, 
 
 And fluxed the house of many a burgess ; 
 Made those that represent the nation Submit, and suffer amputation ; 
 And all the grandees o' th' cabal Adjourn to tubs, at spring and fall. 
 
54 HUDIBRAS. part ir. 
 
 He mounted synod-men, and rode 'em To Dirty Lane and Little Sodom ; 
 
 Made 'em curvet, like Spanish gennets, 
 
 And take the ring at Madam Stennet's. 
 
 'Twas he that made Saint Francis do 
 
 More than the devil could tempt him to, 
 In cold and frosty weather grow Enamoured of a wife of snow ; 
 
 And though she were of rigid temper, 
 
 With melting flames accost and tempt her. 
 Quoth she, If love have these effects, Why is it not forbid our sex ? 
 Why is't not damn'd, and interdicted, For diabolical and wicked ; 
 
 And sung as out of tune against, As Turk and pope are by the saints ? 
 I find, Pve greater reason for it, Than I believed before t' abhor it. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, These sad effects 
 
 Spring from your heathenish neglects 
 
 Of Love's great pow'r, which he returns 
 
 Upon yourselves with equal scorns ; 
 And those who worthy lovers slight, Plagues with prepost'rous appetite. 
 Quoth she, These judgments are severe, 
 
 Yet such as I should rather bear, 
 
 Than trust men with their oaths, or prove 
 
 Their faith and secrecy in love. 
 
 Says he, There is as weighty reason For secrecy in love as treason. 
 
 /Love is a burglarer, a felon, That at the windore-eye does steal in. 
 
 To rob the heart, and with his prey Steals out again a closer way, 
 
 Which whosoever can discover, He's sure (as he deserves) to suffer. 
 
 i Love is a fire, that burns, and sparkles 
 
 In men, as nat'rally as in charcoals, 
 
 Which sooty chymists stop in holes 
 
 When out of wood they extract coals ; 
 
 So lovers should their passions choak, 
 
 That though they burn, they may not smoke. 
 
 'Tis like that sturdy thief that stole 
 
 And dragged beasts backward into's hole : 
 So love does lovers ; and us men Draws by the tails into his den ; 
 
 That no impression may discover, 
 
 And trace t' his cave the wary lover. 
 But if your doubt I should reveal What you entrust me under seal, 
 I'll prove myself as close and virtuous As your own secretary Albertus. 
 Quoth she, I grant you may be close 
 
 In hiding what your aims propose : 
 
 Love-passions are like parables, 
 
 By which men still mean something else ; 
 
 Though love be all the world's pretence, 
 NMoney's the mythologic sense, 
 
 The real substance of the shadow, 
 
 Which all address and courtship's made to. 
 Thought he, I understand your play, 
 
 And how to quit you your own way. 
 / He that will win his dame, must do 
 
 As Love does, when he bends his bow ; 
 
CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 55 
 
 ( 
 
 With one hand thrust the Lady from, 
 
 And with the other pull her home. 
 I grant, quoth he, wealth is a great Provocative to am'rous heat : 
 
 It is all philtres, and high diet, 
 
 That makes love rampant, and to fly out ; 
 /*°Tis beauty always in the flower, That buds and blossoms at fourscore : / 
 
 ; Tis that by which the sun and moon, / 
 
 At their own weapons, are out-done ; 
 
 That makes knights-errant fall in trances, 
 
 And lay about 'em in romances : 
 'Tis virtue, wit, and worth, and all That men divine and sacred call : 
 For what is worth in any thing, But so much money as 'twill bring ? 
 
 Or what but riches is there known, 
 
 Which man can solely call his own ; 
 In which no creature goes his half, Unless it be to squint and laugh ? 
 I do confess, with goods and land, Pd have a wife at second hand ; 
 
 And such you are : nor is 't your person 
 
 My stomach's set so sharp and fierce on ; 
 
 But 'tis (your better part) your riches 
 
 That my enamour'd heart bewitches ; 
 
 Let me your fortune but possess, 
 
 And settle your person how you please ; 
 
 Or make it o'er in trust to th' devil, 
 
 You'll find me reasonable and civil. 
 Quoth she, I like this plainness better 
 
 Than false mock-passion, speech, or letter 
 
 Or any fate of qualm or sowning, 
 
 But hanging of yourself, or drowning ; 
 Your only way with me, to break Your mind, is breaking of your neck : 
 
 For as when merchants break, o'erthrown 
 
 Like nine-pins, they strike others down : 
 
 So that would break my heart, which done, 
 
 My tempting fortune is your own. 
 These are but trifles, ev'ry lover Will damn himself, over and over, 
 And greater matters undertake For a less worthy mistress' sake : f 
 
 Yet th' are the only ways to prove Th' unfeign'd realities of love ; ; 
 
 For he that hangs, or beats out's brains, 
 
 The devil's in him if he feigns. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, This way's too rough 
 
 For mere experiment and proof; 
 It is no jesting trivial matter To swing i' th' air or douce in water, 
 
 And, like a water- witch, try love ; That's to destroy, and not to prove : 
 As if a man should be dissected, To find what part is disaffected : 
 
 Your better way is to make over, 
 
 In trust, your fortune to your lover ; 
 Trust is a trial, if it break, 'Tis not so desp'rate as a neck : 
 
 Beside, th' experiment's more certain, 
 
 Men venture necks to gain a fortune : 
 The soldier does it every day (Eight to the week) for six-pence pay ; 
 
 Your pettifoggers damn their souls, 
 
 To share with knaves in cheating fools : 
 
56 HUDIBRAS. part ii. 
 
 And merchants, vent'ring through the main, 
 
 Slight pirates, rocks, and horns, for gain : 
 This is the way I advise you to, Trust me, and see what I will do. 
 
 Quoth she, I should be loth to run Myself all th' hazard, and you none, 
 Which must be done, unless some deed Of your's aforesaid do precede ; 
 Give but yourself one gentle swing For trial, and I'll cut the string : 
 Or give that rev'rend head a maul, Or two, or three, against a wall : 
 To shew you are a man of mettle, And I'll engage myself to settle. 
 Quoth he, My head's not made of brass, As Friar Bacon's noddle was; 
 
 Nor (like the Indian's skull) so tough, 
 
 That authors say, 'twas musket-proof : 
 As it had need to be, to enter As yet, on any new adventure ; 
 
 You see what bangs it has endur'd, 
 
 That would before new feats, be cur'd : 
 But if that's all you stand upon, Here strike me, luck, it shall be done. 
 Quoth she, The matter's not so far gone, 
 
 As you suppose, two words t' a bargain ; 
 
 That may be done, and time enough, 
 
 When you have given downright proof ; 
 And yet 'tis no fantastic pique I have to love, nor coy dislike ; 
 
 'Tis no implicit nice aversion T' your conversation, mien, or person, 
 But a just fear lest you should prove False and perfidious in love ; / 
 
 For if I thought you could be true, I could love twice as much as you./ 
 Quoth he, My faith, as adamantine As chains of destiny, I'll maintain: 
 True as Apollo ever spoke, Or oracle from heart of oak ; 
 
 And if you'll give my flame but vent, Now in close hugger-mugger pent, 
 
 And shine upon me but benignly, 
 
 With that one and that other pigsney, 
 
 The sun and day shall sooner part \ 
 
 Than love for you shake off my heart ; * 
 
 The sun, that shall no more dispense 
 
 His own, but your bright influence ; 
 
 I'll carve your name on barks of trees, 
 
 With true-love-knots and flourishes, 
 That shall infuse eternal spring, And everlasting flourishing : 
 
 Drink ev'ry letter on't in stum, And make it brisk champaign become : 
 \ Where-e'er you tread, your foot shall set The primrose and the violet ; j 
 
 All spices, perfumes, and sweet pow T ders, 
 
 Shall borrow from your breath their odours ; 
 Nature her charter shall renew, And take all lives of things from you ; 
 
 J The world depend upon your eye, And when you frown upon it die : 
 Only our loves shall survive, New worlds and natures to out-live ; 
 
 And like to heralds moons remain, 
 All crescents, without change or wane. 
 
 Hold, hold, quoth she, no more of this, 
 Sir Knight, you take your aim amiss : 
 For you will find it a hard chapter To catch me with poetic rapture, 
 In which your mastery of art Doth shew itself, and not your heart; 
 Nor will you raise in mine combustion, By dint of high heroic fustian. 
 She that with poetry is won Is but a desk to write upon ; 
 
 And what men say of her they mean 
 No more than on the thing they lean. 
 
HUDIBRAS. 
 
 57 
 
 Some with Arabian spices strive T' embalm her cruelly alive ; 
 
 Or season her, as French cooks use 
 
 Their haut-gousts, bouillies, or ragousts : 
 Use her so barbarously ill, To grind her lips upon a mill, 
 
 Until the facet doublet doth Fit their rhimes rather than her mouth : 
 
 Her mouth compared t' an oyster's, with 
 
 A row of pearl in't, 'stead of teeth : 
 I Others make poesies of her cheeks, \ 
 i Where red and whitest colours mix > 
 In which the lilly and the rose, For Indian lake and ceruse goes : 
 
 The sun, and moon, by her bright eyes 
 
 Eclips'd, and darken'd in the skies, 
 
 Are but black patches, that she wears, 
 
 Cut into suns, and moons, and stars : 
 By which astrologers, as well As those in heaven above, can tell 
 
 What strange events they do foreshow Unto her under world below : 
 Her voice, the music of the spheres, So loud, it deadens mortals ears, 
 As wise philosophers have thought, And that's the cause we hear it not. 
 
 This has been done by some, who those 
 
 Th' ador'd in rhime, would kill in prose ; 
 
 And in those ribbons would have hung, 
 
 Of which melodiously they sung, 
 
 That have the hard fate to write best 
 
 Of those still that deserve it least ; 
 
 It matters not how false, or forc'd, 
 
 So the best things be said o' th' worst ; 
 It goes for nothing when 'tis said, Only th' arrows drawn to th' head, 
 Whether it be a swan or goose, They level at ; so shepherds use 
 
 To set the same mark on the hip Both of their sound and rotten sheep. 
 For wits that carry low or wide Must be aim'd higher, or beside 
 
 The mark, which else they ne'er come nigh, 
 
 But when they take their aim awry. 
 
 But I do wonder you should chuse 
 
 This way t' attack me, with your muse, 
 As one cut out to pass your tricks on, With Fulhams of poetic fiction : 
 I rather hop'd I should no more Hear from you o' th' gallanting score: 
 For hard dry-bastings us'd to prove The readiest remedies of love ; 
 Next a dry diet : but if those fail, Yet this uneasy loop-hold jail, 
 
 In which y' are hamper'd by the fetlock, 
 
 Cannot but put y' in mind of wedlock ; 
 
 Wedlock, that's worse than any hole here, 
 
 If that may serve you for a cooler, 
 T' allay your mettle, all agog Upon a wife, the heavier clog : 
 
 Nor rather thank your gentler fate, That, for a bruis'd or broken pate, 
 
 Has freed you from those knobs that grow 
 
 Much harder on th' marry'd brow. 
 
 But if no dread can cool your courage, , 
 
 From vent'ring on that dragon, marriage, 
 Yet give me quarter, and advance To nobler aims your puissance ; 
 Level at beauty and at wit, The fairest mark is easiest hit. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, I'm beforehand, In that already, with your command; 
 
58 HUDIBRAS. PART ir. 
 
 For where does beauty and high wit But in your constellation meet ? 
 
 Quoth she, What does a match imply, But likeness and equality ? 
 
 I know you cannot think me fit To be the yoke-fellow of your wit ; 
 
 Nor take one of so mean deserts, To be the partner of your parts ; 
 
 A grace which, if I could believe, I've not the conscience to receive. 
 
 That conscience, quoth Hudibras, Is misinformed — I'll state the case : 
 
 A man may be a legal donor Of any thing whereof he's owner, 
 
 And may confer it where he lists, V th' judgment of all casuists : 
 
 Then wit, and parts, and valour may Be ali'nated, and made away, 
 
 By those that are proprietors, As I may give or sell my horse. 
 
 Quoth she, I grant the case is true, 
 
 And proper ? twixt your horse and you ; 
 But whether I may take, as well, As you may give away or sell ; 
 
 Buyers you know are bid beware, 
 
 And worse than thieves receivers are. 
 
 How shall I answer hue and cry, 
 
 For a roan gelding, twelve hands high, 
 
 All spurred and switched, a lock on's hoof, 
 
 A sorrel mane ? Can I bring proof, 
 
 Where, when, by whom, and what y' were sold for, 
 
 And in the open market toll'd for ? 
 Or, should I take you for a stray, You must be kept a year and day 
 
 (Ere I can own you) here i' th' pound, 
 
 Where, if y' are sought, you may be found ; 
 And in the mean time I must pay For all your provender and hay. 
 
 Quoth he, It stands me much upon T ; enervate this objection, 
 
 And prove myself, by topic clear, No gelding, as you would infer. 
 
 Loss of verility's averred To be the cause of loss of beard, 
 
 That does (like embryo in the womb) Abortive on the chin become : 
 This first a woman did invent, In envy of man's ornament, 
 
 Semiramis of Babylon, Who first of all cut men o' th' stone, 
 
 To mar their beards, and laid foundation Of sow-gelding operation : 
 
 Look on this beard, and tell me whether 
 
 Eunuchs were such, or geldings either. 
 Next it appears I am no horse, That I can argue and discourse, 
 
 Have but two legs, and ne'er a tail — 
 Quoth she, That nothing will avail ; 
 
 For some philosophers of late here, 
 
 Write, men have four legs by nature, 
 And that 'tis custom makes them go Erroneously upon but two ? 
 
 As ; twas in Germany made good, B' a boy that lost himself in a wood, 
 
 And, growing down t' a man, was wont 
 
 With wolves upon all four to hunt. 
 
 As for your reasons drawn from tails, 
 
 We cannot say they're true or false, 
 Till you explain yourself, and show B' experiment 'tis so or no. 
 
 Quoth he, If you'll join issue on't, I'll give you sat'sfact'ry account ; 
 So you will promise, if you lose, To settle all, and be my spouse. 
 
 That never shall be done (quoth she) To one that wants a tail by me ; 
 For tails by nature sure were meant, As well as beards, for ornament : 
 
 And though the vulgar count them homely, 
 
 In men or beast they are so comely, 
 
CANTO I. H UDIBRA S. 
 
 59 
 
 So gentee, alamode, and handsome, 
 
 111 never marry man that wants one : 
 And till you can demonstrate plain, You have one equal to your mane, 
 HI be torn piece-meal by a horse, Ere I'll take you for better or worse. 
 The Prince of Cambay's daily food Is asp, and basilisk, and toad, 
 
 Which makes him have so strong a breath, 
 
 Each night he stinks a queen to death ; 
 
 Yet I shall rather lie in's arms Than yours on any other terms. 
 
 Quoth he, What Nature can afford I shall produce upon my word ; 
 
 And if she ever gave that boon To man, HI prove that I have one ; 
 
 I mean by postulate illation, When you shall offer just occasion : 
 
 But since y 9 have yet deny'd to give 
 
 My heart, your pris'ner, a reprieve, 
 But made it sink down to my heel, Let that at least your pity feel, 
 
 And for the sufferings of your martyr, 
 
 Give its poor entertainer quarter ; 
 
 And by discharge, or mainprise, grant 
 
 Delivery from this base restraint. 
 Quoth she, I grieve to see your leg Stuck in a hole here like a peg, 
 And if I knew which way to do't, (Your honour safe) I'd let you out. 
 That dames, by jail-delivery Of errant knights, have been set free, 
 
 When by enchantment they have been, 
 
 And sometimes for it too, laid in, 
 Is that which knights are bound to do By order, oath, and honour too ; 
 
 For what are they renowned and famous else, 
 
 But aiding of distressed damosels ; 
 But for a lady, no ways errant, To free a knight, we have no warrant 
 In any authentical romance, Or classic author yet of France ; 
 
 And Td be loth to have you break An ancient custom for a freak, 
 
 Or innovation introduce, In place of things of antique use, 
 
 To free your heels by any course, 
 
 That might b' unwholesome to your spurs. 
 Which if I should consent unto, It is not in my power to do ; 
 
 For ; tis a service must be done ye, With solemn previous ceremony, 
 
 Which always has been us'd t' untie 
 
 The charms of those who here do lie : 
 For as the Ancients heretofore To Honour's temple had no door 
 
 But that which thorough Virtue's lay,^/— 
 
 So from this dungeon there's no way 
 
 To honoured Freedom, but by passing 
 
 That other virtuous school of lashing, 
 
 Where knights are kept in narrow lists, 
 
 With wooden lockets 'bout their wrists ; 
 
 In which they for a while are tenants, 
 
 And for their ladies suffer penance : 
 Whipping, that's Virtue's governess, Tutress of arts and sciences ; 
 
 That mends the gross mistakes of nature, 
 
 And puts new life into dull matter ; 
 That lays foundation for renown, And all the honours of the gown. 
 
 This suffer'd, they are set at large, 
 
 And freed with honourable discharge ; 
 
60 HUDIBRAS. PART ii. 
 
 Then, in their robes the penitentials 
 
 Are straight presented with credentials, 
 And in their way attended on By magistrates of every town ; 
 
 And, all respect and charges paid, 
 
 They're to their ancient seats convey'd. 
 Now if you'll venture, for my sake, To try the toughness of your back, 
 And suffer (as the rest have done) The laying of a whipping on, 
 
 (And may you prosper in your suit, As you with equal vigour do't), 
 
 I here engage myself to loose ye, 
 
 And free your heels from caperdewsie. 
 But since our sex's modesty Will not allow I should be by, 
 
 Bring me, on oath, a fair account, 
 
 And honour too, when you have don't ; 
 And I'll admit you to the place, You claim as due in my good grace. 
 If matrimony and hanging go By dest'ny, why not whipping too ! 
 
 What med'cine else can cure the fits 
 
 Of lovers when they lose their wits ? 
 
 Love is a boy, by poets styl'd, 
 
 Then spare the rod, and spoil the child. 
 A Persian Emp'ror whipp'd his grannam, 
 
 The sea, his mother Venus came on ; 
 And hence some rev'rend men approve Of rosemary in making love ; 
 
 As skilful coopers hoop their tubs 
 
 With Lydian and with Phrygian dubs ; 
 
 Why may not whipping have as good 
 
 A grace, perform'd in time and mood, 
 With comely movement, and by art, Raise passion in a lady's heart ? 
 It is an easier way to make Love by, than that which many take. 
 
 Who would not rather suffer whipping, 
 
 Than swallow toasts of bits of ribbon ? 
 
 Make wicked verses, treats, and faces, 
 
 And spell names over with beer-glasses ? 
 Be under vows to hang and die Love's sacrifice, and all a lie ? 
 
 With China oranges and tarts, And whining plays, lay baits for hearts ; 
 
 Bribe chamber-maids with love and money, 
 
 To break no roguish jests upon ye ? 
 
 For lillies limn'd on cheeks, and roses, 
 
 With painted perfumes, hazard noses ; 
 Or vent'ring to be brisk and wanton, Do penance in a paper lanthorn? 
 All this you may compound for now, By suffering what I offer you ; 
 
 Which is no more than has been done 
 
 By knights for ladies long agone. 
 Did not the great La Mancha do so For the Infanta Del Taboso ? 
 
 Did not th' illustrious Bassa make Himself a slave for Miss's sake? 
 And with bull's pizzle for her love, Was tawd as gentle as a glove ; 
 
 Was not young Florio sent (to cool 
 
 His flame for Biancafiore) to school, 
 Where pedant made his pathic bum. For her sake suffer martyrdom ? 
 Did not a certain lady whip Of late her husband's own lordship ? 
 
 And, though a grandee of the house, 
 
 Claw'd him with fundamental blows ; 
 
canto ii. HUDIBRAS. 6 1 
 
 Ty'd him stark naked to a bed-post ; 
 
 And sirk'd his hide, as if sh' had rid post ; 
 
 And after in the sessions-court, 
 
 Where whipping's judged, had honour fort ? 
 
 This swear you will perform, and then 
 
 HI set you from th ? enchanted den, 
 
 And the magician's circle clear. Quoth he, I do profess and swear, 
 
 And will perform what you enjoin, Or may I never see you mine. 
 
 Amen (quoth she), then turn'd about, And bid her squire let him out. 
 
 But ere an artist could be found T ; undo the charms another bound, 
 
 The sun grew low, and left the skies, 
 
 Put down (some write) by ladies eyes ; 
 
 The moon pull'd off her veil of light, 
 
 That hides her face by day from sight, 
 
 (Mysterious veil, of brightness made, 
 
 That's both her lustre and her shade) 
 
 And in the lanthorn of the night, 
 
 With shining horns hung out her light : 
 
 For darkness is the proper sphere 
 
 Where all false glories use t' appear. 
 
 The twinkling stars began to muster, 
 
 And glitter with their borrowed lustre, 
 
 While sleep the weary 7 d world reliev'd, 
 
 By counterfeiting death reviv'd. 
 
 His whipping penance, till the morn, 
 
 Our vot'ry thought it best t ? adjourn, 
 And not to carry on a work Of such importance in the dark, 
 
 With erring haste, but rather stay, And do't in th' open face of day : 
 And in the mean time go in quest Of next retreat to take his rest. 
 
 CANTO II.— Argument. 
 
 The Knight and Squire in hot dispute, Within an ace of falling out. 
 
 Are parted with a sudden fright Of a strange alarm, and stranger sight ; 
 
 With which adventuring to stickle, They're sent away in nasty pickle. 
 
 'Tis strange how some mens tempers suit 
 
 (Like bawd and brandy) with dispute, 
 
 That for their own opinions stand fast 
 
 Only to have them claw'd and canvass'd ; 
 
 That keep their consciences in cases, 
 
 As fiddlers do their crowds and bases, 
 Ne'er to be us'd but when they're bent To play a fit for argument ; 
 Make true and false, unjust and just, Of no use but to be discussed; 
 Dispute and set a paradox, Like a straight boot upon the stocks, 
 
 And stretch it more unmercifully 
 
 Than Helmont, Montaign, White, or Tully. 
 
62 HUDIBRAS. PART II. 
 
 So th' ancient Stoics, in their porch, 
 
 With fierce dispute maintained their church, 
 Beat out their brains in fight and study, To prove that virtue is a body ; 
 That bonunt is an animal, Made good with stout polemic brawl ; 
 
 In which, some hundreds on the place 
 
 Were slain outright, and many a face 
 
 Retrench'd of nose, and eyes, and beard, 
 
 To maintain what their sect averred. 
 
 All which the Knight and Squire in wrath 
 
 Had like t' have suffered for their faith, 
 Each striving to make good his own, As by the sequel shall be shown. 
 The sun had long since, in the lap Of Thetis, taken out his nap, 
 
 And, like a lobster boil'd, the morn From black to red began to turn ; 
 
 When Hudibras, whom thoughts and aching 
 
 'Twixt sleeping kept, all night, and waking, 
 Began to rub his drousy eyes, And from his couch prepared to rise, 
 
 Resolving to dispatch the deed He vow'd to do, with trusty speed. 
 
 But first with knocking loud, and bawling, 
 
 He rous'd the Squire, in truckle lolling : 
 And, after many circumstances, Which vulgar authors in romances 
 Do use to spend their time and wits on, To make impertinent description, 
 They got (with much ado) to horse, And to the castle bent their course, 
 In which he to the dame before To suffer whipping duty swore. 
 
 Where now arriv'd, and half unharness'd To carry on the work in earnest, 
 
 He stopp'd and paus'd upon the sudden, 
 
 And with a serious forehead plodding, 
 Sprung a new scruple in his head, W T hich first he scratch'd,and after said: 
 Whether it be direct infringing, An oath, if I should wave this swinging, 
 And what I've sworn to bear, forbear, And so b' equivocation swear ; 
 Or whether 't be a lesser sin To be forsworn, than act the thing ; 
 
 Are deep and subtle points, which must, 
 
 T' inform my conscience, be discuss'd ; 
 In which to err a tittle may To errors infinite make way ; 
 
 And therefore I desire to know Thy judgment, ere we further go. 
 
 Quoth Ralpho, Since you do enjoin't, I shall enlarge upon the point ; 
 And for my own part do not doubt Th' affirmative may be made out. 
 
 But first, to state the case aright, For best advantage of our light ; 
 
 And thus 'tis : Whether 't be a sin To claw and curry your own skin, 
 
 Greater, or less, than to forbear. And that you are forsworn forswear. 
 But first, o' th' first : The inward man, And outward, like a clan and clan, 
 Have always been at daggers-drawing, And one another clapper-clawing, 
 Not that they really cuff, or fence, But in a spiritual mystic sense ; 
 
 Which to mistake, and make 'em squabble, 
 
 In literal fray's abominable : 
 'Tis Heathenish, in frequent use With Pagans, and apostate Jews, 
 
 To offer sacrifice of Bridwells, Like modern Indians to their idols ; 
 
 And mongrel Christians of our times, 
 
 That expiate less with greater crimes, 
 And call the foul abomination Contrition and mortification. 
 
 Is't not enough we're bruis'd and kicked, 
 
 With sinful members of the wicked, 
 
CANTO n. HUDIBRAS. 63 
 
 Our vessels that are sanctify'd, Prophan'd and curry'd back and side ; 
 
 But we must claw ourselves with shameful 
 
 And Heathen stripes, by their example ? 
 Which (were there nothing to forbid it) Is impious, because they did it : 
 
 This therefore may be justly reckon'd 
 
 A heinous sin. Now, to the second, 
 
 That Saints may claim a dispensation 
 
 To swear and forswear, on occasion, 
 I doubt not, but it will appear With pregnant light : The point is clear. 
 
 Oaths are but words, and words but wind, 
 
 Too feeble implements to bind, 
 And hold with deeds proportion, so, As shadows to a substance do. 
 
 Then when they strive for place, 'tis fit 
 
 The weaker vessel should submit. 
 
 Although your church be opposite 
 
 To ours, as Black Friars are to White, 
 In rule and order, yet I grant You are a reformado saint ; 
 
 And what the saints do claim as due, You may pretend a title to. 
 
 But saints, whom oaths and vows oblige, Know little of their privilege, 
 Further (I mean) than carrying on Some self-advantage of their own : 
 XFor if the dev'l, to serve his turn, 
 
 Can tell truth, why the saints should scorn, 
 
 When it serves theirs, to swear and lie, 
 
 I think there's little reason why ; 
 Else h' has a greater power than they, Which 'twere impiety to say. 
 W are not commanded to forbear, Indefinitely, at all to swear ; 
 
 But to swear idly, and in vain, Without self-interest or gain ; 
 
 For breaking of an oath and lying, Is but a kind of self-denying, 
 
 A saint-like virtue, and from hence 
 
 Some have broke oaths by providence ; 
 
 Some, to the glory of the Lord, 
 
 Perjur'd themselves, and broke their word : 
 And this the constant rule and practice Of all our late apostles acts is. 
 Was not the cause at first begun With perjury, and carry'd on ? 
 
 Was there an oath the godly took, 
 
 But in due time and place they broke ? 
 
 Did we not bring our oaths in first, 
 
 Before our plate, to have them burst, 
 And cast in fitter models, for The present use of church and war ? 
 
 Did not our worthies of the House, 
 
 Before they broke the peace, break vows ? 
 For, having freed us, first from both Th' allegiance and supremacy oath, 
 
 Did they not next compel the nation 
 
 To take and break the protestation ? 
 To swear, and after to recant, The solemn league and covenant ? 
 
 To take th' engagement and disclaim it, 
 
 Enforced by those, who first did frame it ? 
 
 Did they not swear, at first, to fight 
 
 For the King's safety, and his right ? 
 
 And after march'd to find him out, 
 
 And charg'd him home with horse and foot : 
 
64 HUDIBRAS. PART ii. 
 
 But yet still had the confidence To swear it was in his defence ? 
 
 Did they not swear to live and die 
 
 With Essex, and straight laid him by ? 
 
 If that were all, for some have swore 
 
 As false as they if they did no more. 
 
 Did they not swear to maintain law, 
 
 In which that swearing made a flaw ? 
 For Protestant religion vow, That did that vowing disallow ? 
 
 For privilege of parliament, In which that swearing made a rent ? 
 
 And since, of all the three, not one Is left in being, 'tis well known. 
 
 Did they not swear, in express words, 
 
 To prop and back the House of Lords ? 
 
 And after turned out the whole houseful 
 
 Of peers, as dang'rous and unuseful : 
 
 So Cromwell, with deep oaths and vows, 
 
 Swore all the Commons out o' th' house, 
 
 Vowed that the red-coats would disband, 
 
 Ay marry would they, at their command ; 
 
 And troll'd them on, and swore, and swore, 
 
 Till th' army turn'd them out of door. 
 
 This tells us plainly what they thought, 
 
 That oaths and swearing go for nought, 
 And that by them th 7 were only meant, To serve for an expedient : 
 
 What was the public faith found out for, 
 
 But to slur men of what they fought for ? 
 
 The public faith, which every one 
 
 Is bound to observe, yet kept by none : 
 And if that go for nothing, why Should private faith have such a tie ? 
 
 Oaths were not purposed, more than law, 
 
 To keep the good and just in awe, 
 But to confine the bad and sinful, Like moral cattle in a pinfold. 
 
 A saint's of th' heav'nly realm a peer ; 
 
 And as no peer is bound to swear, 
 But on the gospel of his honour, Of which he may dispose, as owner, 
 
 It follows, though the thing be forgery, 
 
 And false, th' affirm, it is no perjury, 
 But a mere ceremony, and a breach Of nothing but a form of speech : 
 And goes for no more, when 'tis took, Than mere saluting of the book. 
 Suppose the Scriptures are of force, They're but commissions of course, 
 
 And saints have freedom to digress, 
 
 And vary from 'em, as they please : 
 Or misinterpret them by private Instructions, to all aims they drive at. 
 Then why should we ourselves abridge, And curtail our own privilege ? 
 
 Quakers (that, like to lanthorns, bear 
 
 Their light within 'em) will not swear. 
 Their gospel is an accidence, By which they construe conscience, 
 
 And hold no sin so deeply red, As that of breaking Priscian's head. 
 
 (The head and founder of their order, 
 
 That stirring hats held worse than murder.) 
 
 These thinking th' are oblig'd to troth 
 
 In swearing, will not take an oath : 
 
canto ii. HUDIBRAS. 65 
 
 Like mules, who, if th' have not their will 
 
 To keep their own pace, stand stock-still ; 
 
 But they are weak, and little know 
 
 What free-born consciences may do. 
 Tis the temptation of the devil, That makes all human actions evil : 
 For saints may do the same things by The spirit, in sincerity, 
 
 Which other men are tempted to, And at the devil's instance do ; 
 
 And yet the actions be contrary, Just as the saints and wicked vary. 
 For as on land there is no beast, But in some fish at sea's expressed ; 
 So in the wicked there's no vice, Of which the saints have not a spice ; 
 And yet that thing that's pious in The one, in th' other is a sin. 
 
 Is 't not ridiculous, and nonsense, 
 
 A saint should be a slave to conscience ; 
 That ought to be above such fancies, As far, as above ordinances ? 
 
 She's of the wicked, as I guess, 
 
 B' her looks, her language, and her dress ; 
 
 And though, like constables, we search. 
 
 For false wares, one another's church ; 
 
 Yet all of us hold this for true, No faith is to the wicked due ? 
 
 For truth is precious and divine, Too rich a pearl for carnal swine. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, All this is true, Yet 'tis not fit that all men knew 
 
 Those mysteries and revelations ; And therefore topical evasions 
 
 Of subtle turns and shifts of sense, 
 
 Serve best with th' wicked for pretence. 
 Such as the learned Jesuits use, And Presbyterians for excuse, 
 
 Against the Protestants, when th' happen 
 
 To find their churches taken napping. 
 As thus : a breach of oath is duple, And either way admits a scruple, 
 
 And may be ex parte of the maker, 
 
 More criminal than th' injured taker ; 
 /For he that strains too far a vow, Will break it, like an o'er-bent bow : 
 
 And he that made, and forc'd it, broke it, 
 
 Not he that for convenience took it : 
 A broken oath is, quatemts oath, As found t' all purposes of troth, 
 
 As broken laws are ne'er the worse, 
 
 Nay, till th' are broken have no force. 
 What's justice to a man, or laws, That never comes within their claws ? 
 
 They have no power, but to admonish, 
 
 Cannot control, coerce, or punish, 
 
 Until they're broken, and then touch 
 
 Those only that do make 'em such. 
 Beside, no engagement is allowed By men in prison made, for good ; 
 
 For when they're set at liberty, 
 _ They're from th' engagement too set free. 
 The Rabbins write, when any Jew Did make to God or man a vow, 
 
 Which afterwards he found untoward, 
 
 And stubborn to be kept, or too hard, 
 
 Any three other Jews o' th' nation 
 
 Might free him from the obligation : 
 
 And have not two saints power to use 
 
 A greater privilege than three Jews ? 
 
 5 
 
66 HUDIBRAS. PART II. 
 
 The court of conscience, which in man 
 
 Should be supreme and sovereign, 
 Is't fit should be subordinate To every petty court i' th' state, 
 
 And have less power than the lesser, To deal with perjury at pleasure? 
 Have its proceedings disallowed, or Allow'd, at fancy of py-powder ? 
 Tell all it does or does not know, For swearing ex officio t 
 
 Be forc'd t' impeach a broken hedge, 
 
 And pigs unring'd at Vis. Franc, pledge ? 
 
 Discover thieves, and bawds, recusants, 
 
 Priests, witches, eves-droppers, and nusance ; 
 
 Tell who did play at games unlawful, 
 
 And who fill'd pots of ale but half-full ; 
 And have no power at all, nor shift, To help itself at a dead lift ! 
 
 Why should not conscience have vacation 
 
 As well as other courts o' th' nation ; 
 Have equal power to adjourn, Appoint appearance and return ; 
 
 And make as nice distinction serve To split a case as those that carve 
 
 Invoking cuckolds names, hit joints ? 
 
 Why should not tricks as slight do points ? 
 
 Is not th' high court of justice sworn 
 
 To judge that law that serves their turn ? 
 
 Make their own jealousies high-treason. 
 
 And fix 'em whomsoe'er they please on ? 
 
 ^-Cannot the learned counsel there Make laws in any shape appear ? 
 
 ; Mould 'em as witches do their clay, When they make pictures to destroy, 
 
 And vex 'em in any form That fits their purpose to do harm ? 
 
 Rack 'em until they do confess, Impeach of treason whom they please, 
 
 And most perfidiously condemn Those that engag'd their lives for them? 
 
 And yet do nothing in their own sense, 
 
 But what they ought by oath and conscience. 
 
 Can they not juggle, and, with slight 
 
 Conveyance, play with wrong and right ; 
 And sell their blasts of wind as dear, As Lapland witches bottled air ? 
 
 Will not fear, favour, bribe, and grudge, 
 
 The same case sev'ral ways adjudge ? 
 As seamen with the self-same gale, Will sev'ral different courses saiL 
 
 As when the sea breaks o'er its bounds, 
 
 And overflows the level grounds, 
 
 Those banks and dams, that like a screen 
 
 Did keep it out, now keep it in : 
 So when tyrannic usurpation Invades the freedom of a nation, 
 
 The laws o' th' land that were intended To keep it out, are made defend it 
 
 Does not in chanc'ry every man swear 
 
 What makes best for him in his answer ? 
 
 Is not the winding up witnesses 
 
 And nicking more than -half the bus'ness ? 
 For witnesses, like watches, go Just as they're set, too fast or slow, 
 
 And where in conscience they're strait-lac'd, 
 
 'Tis ten to one that side is cast. 
 
 Do not your juries give their verdict 
 
 As if they felt the cause, not heard it ? 
 
CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 6j 
 
 And as they please make matter of fact 
 
 Run all on one side, as they're packed ? 
 
 /Nature has made man's breast no windores, 
 'To publish what he does within doors ; 
 Nor what dark secrets there inhabit, Unless his own rash folly blab it. 
 
 If oaths can do a man no good 
 
 In his own business, why they should 
 In other matters do him hurt, I think there's little reason for't. 
 
 He that imposes an oath makes it, 
 
 Not he that for convenience takes it ; 
 Then how can any man be said To break an oath he never made ? 
 
 These reasons may perhaps look oddly 
 
 To the wicked, though they evince the godly ; 
 But if they will not serve to clear My honour, I am ne'er the near. 
 
 /-Honour is like that glassy bubble That finds philosophers such trouble, 
 
 Whose least part crack'd, the whole does fly, 
 
 And wits are crack'd, to find out why. 
 Quoth Ralpho, Honour's but a word To swear by, only in a lord : 
 In other men 'tis but a huff, To vapour with, instead of proof, 
 
 That like a wen, looks big and swells, 
 
 Is senseless, and just nothing else. 
 Let it (quoth he) be what it will It has the world's opinion still. 
 
 But as men are not wise that run The slightest hazard they may shun, 
 
 There may a medium be found out, 
 
 To clear to all the world the doubt ; 
 And that is, if a man may do't, By proxy whipp'd, or substitute. 
 
 Though nice and dark the point appear, 
 
 (Quoth Ralph) it may hold up and clear. 
 That sinners may supply the place Of suffering saints is a plain case. 
 Justice gives sentence many times On one man for another's crimes. 
 Our brethren of /New England use Choice malefactors to excuse, 
 
 And nang" the guiltless in their stead, 
 
 Of whom the churches have less need ; 
 As lately 't happen'd : In a town There liv'd a cobbler, and but one, 
 
 That out of doctrine could cut use, 
 
 And mend mens lives, as well as shoes. 
 This precious brother having slain, In times of peace an Indian, 
 
 Not out of malice, but mere zeal, Because he was an infidel, 
 
 The mighty Tottipottymoy Sent to our elders an envoy, 
 
 Complaining sorely of the breach 
 
 Of league, held forth by brother Patch, 
 Against the articles in force Between both churches, his and ours ; 
 
 For which he crav'd the saints to render 
 
 Into his hands, or hang th' offender : 
 
 But they maturely having weigh'd, 
 
 They had no more but him o' th' trade, 
 (A man that serv'd them in a double Capacity, to teach and cobble) 
 Resolv'd to spare him ; yet to do The Indian Hoghan Moghan too. 
 Impartial justice, in his stead did Hang an old weaver that was bed-rid. 
 
 Then wherefore may not you be skipp'd, 
 
 And in your room another whipp'd ; 
 
 5-2 
 
68 HUDIBRAS. PART ii. 
 
 For all philosophers, but the sceptic, 
 
 Hold whipping may be sympathetic. 
 It is enough, quoth Hudibras, Thou hast resolv'd and clear'd the case ; 
 
 And canst, in conscience, not refuse, 
 
 From thy own doctrine, to raise use. 
 
 I know thou wilt not (for my sake) 
 
 Be tender-conscienc'd of thy back : 
 
 Then strip thee of thy carnal jerkin, 
 
 And give thy outward fellow a ferking ; 
 
 For when thy vessel is new hoop'd, 
 
 All leaks of sinning will be stopped. 
 
 Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter, 
 
 For, in all scruples of this nature, 
 No man includes himself, nor turns The point upon his own concerns. 
 For no man does himself convince, By his own doctrine, of his sins : 
 
 And though all cry down self, none means 
 
 His own self in a literal sense : 
 Beside, it is not only foppish, But vile, idolatrous, and Popish ; 
 
 For one man out of his own skin, To frisk and whip another's sin : 
 
 As pedants, out of school-boys breeches, 
 
 Do claw and curry their own itches. 
 But in this case it is profane, And sinful too, because in vain : 
 
 For we must take our oaths upon it 
 
 You did the deed, when I have done it. 
 Quoth Hudibras, That's answered soon ; 
 
 Give us the whip, we'll lay it on. 
 
 Quoth Ralpho, That we may swear true, 
 
 'Twere properer that I whipp'd you : 
 For when with your consent 'tis done, The act is really your own. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, It is in vain (I see) to argue 'gainst the grain ; 
 
 Or, like the stars, incline men to ^-^_^^ 
 
 What they're averse themselves to do . 
 
 For when disputes are weary'd out, 
 
 J Tis interest still resolves the doubt. 
 But since no reason can confute ye, I'll try to force you to your duty ; 
 For so it is, howe'er you mince it, As, e'er we part, I shall evince it, 
 
 And curry (if you stand out), whether 
 
 You will or no, your stubborn leather. 
 Canst thou refuse to bear thy part I' th' public work, base as thou art ? 
 
 To higgle thus, for a few blows, 
 
 To gain thy Knight an opulent spouse ; 
 
 Whose wealth his bowels yearn to purchase, 
 
 Merely for th' int'rest of the churches ? 
 
 And when he has it in his claws, 
 
 Will not be hide-bound to the cause : 
 
 Nor shalt thou find him a curmudgeon, 
 
 If thou dispatch it without grudging : 
 
 If not, resolve before we go, 
 
 That you and I must pull a crow. ^\ 
 
 Y' had best (quoth Ralpho), As the Ancients 
 
 Say wisely, have a care o' th' main chance, 
 
CANTO ir. HUDIBRAS. 69 
 
 And look before you ere you leap ; For as you sow, y' are like to reap : 
 
 And were y 7 as good as George a Green, 
 
 I shall make bold to turn again ; 
 Nor am I doubtful of the issue In a just quarrel, and mine is so. 
 
 Is't fitting for a man of honour To whip the saints, like Bishop Bonner? 
 
 A knight t J usurp the beadle's office, 
 
 For which y ? are like to raise brave trophies : 
 But I advise you (not for fear, But for your own sake) to forbear ; 
 
 And for the churches, which may chance 
 
 From hence, to spring a variance ; 
 
 And raise among themselves new scruples, 
 
 Whom common danger hardly couples, 
 
 Remember how in arms and politics, 
 
 We still have worsted all your holy tricks, 
 
 Trepann'd your party with intrigue, 
 
 And took your grandees down a peg ; 
 New modelFd th' army, and cashier'd All that to Legion Smec adhered; 
 Made a mere utensil o' your church, And after left it in the lurch ; 
 
 A scaffold to build up our own, 
 
 And when w ? had done with % pull'd it down ; 
 
 Capoch'd your Rabbins of the synod, 
 
 And snapp'd their cannons with a why-not : 
 
 (Grave synod-men, that were rever'd 
 
 For solid face, and depth of beard) 
 Their classic model prov'd a maggot, Their directory an Indian pagod; 
 
 And drown'd their discipline like a kitten, 
 
 On which they had been so long a sitting ; 
 Decry'd it as a holy cheat, Grown out of date and obsolete, 
 
 And all the saints of the first grass, As castling foals of Balanr's ass. 
 At this the Knight grew high in chafe, And, staring furiously on Ralph, 
 He trembled and look'd pale with ire, Like ashes first, then red as fire. 
 Have I (quoth he) been ta'en in fight, And for so many moons lain by't, 
 
 And, when all other means did fail, 
 
 Have been exchang'd for tubs of ale ? 
 
 Not but they thought me worth a ransom 
 
 Much more considerable and handsome, 
 
 But for their own sakes, and for fear 
 
 They were not safe when I was there ; 
 Now to be baffled by a scoundrel, An upstart sect'ry, and a mungrel, 
 
 Such as breed out of peccant humours 
 
 Of our own church, like wens, or tumours, 
 And like a maggot in a sore, Would that which gave it life devour ; 
 It never shall be done or said : With that he seized upon his blade : 
 And Ralpho too, as quick and bold, Upon his basket-hilt laid hold, 
 With equal readiness prepared To draw and stand upon his guard : 
 When both were parted on the sudden, 
 With hideous clamour, and a loud one, 
 As if all sorts of noise had been Contracted into one loud din : 
 
 Or that some member to be chosen, 
 Had got the odds above a thousand, 
 And by the greatness of his noise, 
 Proved fittest for his country's choice. 
 
jo HUDIBRAS. part ir. 
 
 This strange surprisal put the Knight 
 
 And wrathful Squire into a fright ; 
 
 And though they stood prepared, with fatal 
 
 Impetuous rancour to join battle, 
 
 Both thought it was the wisest course 
 
 To wave the fight and mount to horse, 
 
 And to secure, by swift retreating, 
 
 Themselves from danger of worse beating : 
 
 Yet neither of them would disparage, 
 
 By utt'ring of his mind, his courage, 
 
 Which made 'em stoutly keep their ground, 
 
 With horror and disdain wind-bound. 
 
 And now the cause of all their fear, 
 
 By slow degrees approach'd so near, 
 
 They might distinguish diff'rent noise 
 
 Of horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys, 
 And kettle drums, whose sullen dub Sounds like the hooping of a tub. 
 
 But when the sight appeared in view, 
 
 They found it was an antique show ; 
 A triumph, that for pomp and state, Did proudest Romans emulate : 
 For as the aldermen of Rome Their foes at training overcome, 
 
 And not enlarging territory, (As some mistaken write in story) 
 
 Being mounted in their best array, Upon a car, and who but they ? 
 
 And followed with a world of tall lads, 
 
 That merry ditties trolFd, and ballads, 
 
 Did ride with many a good-morrow, 
 
 Crying, hey for our town, thro' the borough ; 
 So when this triumph drew so nigh They might particulars descry, 
 
 They never saw two things so pat, In all respects as this and that. 
 
 First, he that led the cavalcade, Wore a sow-gelder's flaggellet, 
 
 On which he blew as strong a levet, 
 
 As well-fee ; d lawyer on his breviate ; 
 
 When, over one another's heads, 
 
 They charge (three ranks at once) like Swedes. 
 Next pans and kettles of all keys, From trebles down to double base ; 
 And after them, upon a nag, That might pass for a forehand stag, 
 
 A cornet rode, and on his staff A smock displayed did proudly wave : 
 
 Then bagpipes of the loudest drones, 
 
 With snuffling broken-winded tones, 
 Whose blasts of air in pockets shut, Sound filthier than from the gut, 
 And make a viler noise than swine In windy weather when they whine. 
 
 Next one upon a pair of panniers, 
 
 Full fraught with that, which for good manners 
 
 Shall here be nameless, mix'd with grains, 
 
 Which he dispensed among the swains, 
 And busily upon the crowd At random round about bestowed. 
 
 Then mounted on a horned horse, One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs, 
 
 Ty*d to the pummel of a long sword 
 
 He held revers'd, th' point turned downward. 
 Next after, on a raw-bon'd steed, The conqueror's standard-bearer rid, 
 And bore aloft before the champion A petticoat displayed and rampant: 
 
CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 7J 
 
 Near whom the Amazon triumphant 
 
 Bestrid her beast, and, on the rump on't, 
 Sat face to tail, and bum to bum, The warrior whilom overcome, 
 
 Arm'd with a spindle and a distaff, 
 
 Which, as he rode, she made him twist off : 
 And when he loitered, o'er her shoulder Chastised the reformado soldier. 
 
 Before the dame and round about, 
 
 Marched whifflers, and starrier s on foot, 
 
 With lackies, grooms, valets, and pages, 
 
 In fit and proper equipages ; 
 
 Of whom, some torches bore, some links, 
 
 Before the proud virago minx, 
 That was both Madam, and a Don, Like Nero's Sporus or Pope Joan; 
 
 And at fit periods the whole rout 
 
 Set up their throats with clamourous shout, 
 The knight transported, and the Squire, 
 
 Put up their weapons and their ire ; 
 And Hudibras, whous'd to ponder On such sights, with judicious wonder, 
 Could hold no longer to impart His animadversions, for his heart. 
 
 Quoth he, In all my life till now I ne'er saw so prophane a show. 
 It is a Paganish invention, Which Heathen writers often mention ; 
 
 And he who made it had read Goodwin, Or Ross, or Caelius Rhodogine, 
 
 With all the Grecian Speeds and Stows, 
 
 That best describ'd those ancient shows 
 And has observed all fit decorums We find describ'd by old historians : 
 For as the Roman conqueror, That put an end to foreign war, 
 
 Ent'ring the town in triumph for it, Bore a slave with him, in his chariot : 
 So this insulting female brave, Carries behind her here a slave ; 
 
 And as the Ancients long ago, When they in field defy'd the foe, 
 
 Hung out their mantles della guerre ', So her proud standard-bearer here, 
 Waves on his spear, in dreadful manner, A Tyrian petticoat for banner. 
 Next links, and torches, heretofore Still borne before the Emperor : 
 And as in antique triumphs eggs Were borne for mystical intrigues : 
 
 There's one in truncheon, like a laddie, 
 
 That carries eggs too, fresh or addle ; 
 And still at random, as he goes, Among the rabble-rout bestows. 
 
 Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter; 
 
 For all th' antiquity you smatter, 
 Is but a riding, us'd of course, When the grey mare's the better horse : 
 
 When o'er the breeches greedy women 
 
 Fight, to extend their vast dominion : 
 
 And in the cause impatient Grizel 
 
 Has drubb'd her husband with bull's pizzle, 
 And brought him under covert baron, To turn her vassal with a murrain ; 
 
 When wives their sexes shift, like hares, 
 
 And ride their husbands, like night-mares, 
 
 And they in mortal battle vanquish'd, 
 
 Are of their charter dis-enfranchis'd, 
 
 And by the right of war, like gills, 
 
 Condemn'd to distaff, horns, and wheels, 
 
 For when men by their wives are cow'd, 
 
 Their horns of course are understood. 
 
72 
 
 HUD1BRAS. PART II. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, Thou still giv'st sentence 
 
 Impertinently, and against sense : 
 Tis not the least disparagement To be defeated by th' event, 
 
 Nor to be beaten by main force, That does not make a man the worse, 
 
 Although his shoulders with battoon 
 
 Be claw'd and cudgel'd to some tune : 
 A tailor's prentice has no hard Measure, that's bang'd with a true yard ; 
 But to turn tail, or run away, And without blows give up the day, 
 
 Or to surrender ere th' assault, That's no man's fortune, but his fault ; 
 And renders men of honour less Then all the adversity of success : 
 
 And only unto such this shew Of horns and petticoats is due. 
 
 Where is a lesser profanation, Like that the Romans call'd ovation : 
 
 For as ovation was allow'd For conquest purchas'd without blood ; 
 
 So men decree those lesser shows, For vict'ry gotten without blows, 
 By dint of sharp hard words, which some Givebattle with, and overcome; 
 These mounted in a chair-curule, Which moderns call a cucking-stool, 
 March proudly to the river's side, And o'er the waves in triumph ride ; 
 Like Dukes of Venice, who are said The Adriatic sea to wed ; 
 
 And have a gentler wife than those 
 
 For whom the state decrees those shows. 
 
 But both are Heathenish, and come 
 
 From th' whores of Babylon and Rome ; 
 And by the saints should be withstood, As Antichristian and lewd ; 
 
 And we, as such, should now contribute 
 
 Our utmost smugglings to prohibit. 
 This said, they both advanc'd, and rode 
 
 A dog-trot through the bawling crowd, 
 
 T' attack the leader, and still press'd, 
 
 Till they approach'd him breast to breast : 
 
 Then Hudibras, with face and hand, 
 
 Made signs to silence ; which obtain'd, 
 
 What means (quoth he) this dev'i's procession 
 
 With men of orthodox profession ? 
 'Tis ethnique and idolatrous, From Heathenism derived to us. 
 
 Does not the whore of Babylon ride Upon her horned beast astride, 
 Like this proud dame, who either is A type of her, or she of this ? 
 
 Are things of superstitious function, Fit to be us'd in gospel sun-shine ? 
 It is an Antichristian opera, Much us'd in midnight times of Popery ; 
 Of running after self-inventions ; Of wicked and prophane intentions ; 
 To scandalize that sex, for scolding, To whom the saints are so beholden. 
 
 Women, who were our first apostles, 
 
 Without whose aid w* had all been lost else ; 
 
 Women, that left no stone unturn'd 
 
 In which the cause might be concern'd ; 
 
 Brought in their children's spoons and whistles, 
 
 To purchase swords, carbines, and pistols ; 
 
 Their husbands, cullies, and sweet-hearts, 
 
 To take the saints and churches parts ; 
 Drew several gifted brethren in, That for the bishops would have been, 
 And fix'd 'em constant to the party, With motives powerful and hearty : 
 
 Their husbands robb'd, and made hard shifts 
 
 T' administer unto their gifts, 
 
CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 73 
 
 All they could rap, and rend, and pilfer, 
 
 To scraps and ends of gold and silver ; 
 
 Rubb'd down the teachers, tir'd and spent, 
 
 With holding forth for parliament : 
 Pamper'd and edify'd their zeal With marrow puddings many a meal : 
 Enabled them with store of meat, On controverted points to eat ; 
 
 And cramm'd 'em, till their guts did ache, 
 
 With cawdle, custard, and plumb-cake. 
 
 What have they done, or what left undone, 
 
 That might advance the cause at London ? 
 
 Marched rank and file with drum and ensign, 
 
 T' entrench the city for defence in ? 
 Rais'd rampiers with their own soft hands, To put the enemy to stands ; 
 From ladies down to oyster- wenches Laboured like pioneers in trenches, 
 Fell to their pick-axes, and tools, And help'd the men to dig like moles? 
 
 Have not the handmaids of the city 
 
 Chose of their members a committee ? 
 For raising of a common purse Out of their wages to raise horse ? 
 
 And do they not as triers sit, To judge what officers are fit ? 
 
 Have they At that an egg let fly, Hit him directly o'er the eye, 
 
 And running down his cheek, besmear'd 
 
 With orange-tawny slime his beard ; 
 
 But beard and slime being of one hue, 
 
 The wound the less appeared in view. 
 Then he that on the panniers rode, Let fly on th ? other side a load ; 
 And quickly charged again, gave fully, In Ralph o's face, another volley. 
 
 The Knight was startled with the smell, 
 
 And for his sword began to feel : 
 
 And Ralpho, smothered with the stink, 
 
 Grasp'd his, when one that bore a link, 
 
 O' th' sudden clapp'd his flaming cudgel, 
 
 Like linstock, to the horse's touch-hole ; 
 
 And straight another with his flambeau, 
 
 Gave Ralpho o'er the eyes a damn'd blow. 
 The beasts began to kick and fling, And forc'd the rout to make a ring : 
 
 Thro' which they quickly broke their way 
 
 And brought them off from further fray, 
 And though disorder'd in retreat, Each of them stoutly kept his seat : 
 
 For quitting both their swords and reins, 
 
 They grasp'd with all their strength the manes, 
 And, to avoid the foe's pursuit, With spurring put their cattle to't ; 
 
 And till all four were out of wind, And danger too, ne'er look'd behind. 
 
 After th' had paus'd a while, supplying 
 
 Their spirits, spent with fight and flying, 
 And Hudibras recruited force Of lungs, for action, or discourse, 
 
 ^ Quoth he, That man is sure to lose, 
 ( That fouls his hands with dirty foes : 
 ! For where no honour's to be gain'd, 
 
 'Tis thrown away in being maintain'd ; 
 'Twas ill for us, we had to do With so dishonourable a foe : 
 
 For though the law of arms doth bar The use of venom'd shot in war, 
 
74 HUDIBRAS. PART II. 
 
 Yet by the nauseous smell, and noisome, 
 
 Their case-shot savours strong of poison, 
 
 And doubtless have been chew'd with teeth 
 
 Of some that had a stinking breath ; 
 Else when we put it to the push, They had not givm us such a brush : 
 But as those poltroons that fling dirt, Do but defile, but cannot hurt ; 
 So all the honour they have won, Or we have lost, is much at one. 
 
 'Twas well we made so resolute A brave retreat, without pursuit : 
 
 For if we had not, we had sped Much worse, to be in triumph led ; 
 Than which the Ancients held no state Of man's life more unfortunate, 
 But if this bold adventure e'er Do chance to reach the widow's ear, 
 It may, being destin'd to assert Her sex's honour, reach her heart : 
 
 And as such homely treats (they say) 
 
 Portend good fortune, so this may. 
 Vespasian being dawb'd with dirt, Was destin'd to the empire fort ; 
 And from a scavenger did come To be a mighty prince in Rome : 
 
 And why may not this foul address Presage in love the same success ? 
 
 Then let us straight , to cleanse our wounds, 
 
 Advance in quest of nearest ponds ; 
 And after (as we first design'd) Swear I've p erf orm'd what she enjoin'd. 
 
 CANTO II I.— A RGUMENT. 
 
 The Knight, with various doubts possess'd To win the Lady, goes in quest 
 
 Of Sidrophel, the Rosicrucian, To know the Dest'nies resolution ; 
 
 With whom b'ing met, they both chop logic About the science astrologic ; 
 
 Till, falling from dispute to fight, The conj'rer's worsted by the Knight. 
 
 I DOUBTLESS the pleasure is as great Of being cheated as to cheat ; 
 
 As lookers on feel most delight, That least perceive a juggler's slight ; 
 And still the less they understand, The more th' admire his slight of hand. 
 Some with a noise, and greasy light, 
 
 Are snapp'd, as men catch larks by night, 
 Ensnared and hamper'd by the soul, As nooses by the legs catch fowl. 
 Some with med'cine and receipt Are drawn to nibble at the bait ; 
 
 And though it be a two-foot trout, 'Tis with a single hair pull'd out. 
 
 f Others believe no voice t' an organ 
 
 So sweet as lawyer's in his bar-gown ; 
 Until with subtle cobweb-cheats, Th' are catch'din knotted law, like nets; 
 
 In which, when once they are imbrangled,, 
 
 The more they stir, the more they're tangled ; 
 And while their purses can dispute, There's no end of the immortal suit. 
 Others still gape t' anticipate The cabinet designs of fate, 
 
 Applying to wizards, to foresee What shall, and what shall never be. 
 And as those vultures do forebode, Believe events prove bad or good. 
 A flam more senseless than the roguery Of old aruspicy and aug'ry, 
 That out of garbages of cattle Presag'd th' events of truce or battle ; 
 
 From flight of birds, or chickens pecking, 
 
 Success of great'st attempts would reckon : 
 
CANTO iir. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 IS 
 
 Though cheats, yet more intelligible 
 
 Than those that with the stars do fribble. 
 
 This Hudibras by proof found true, As in due time and place we'll show: 
 
 For he with beard and face made clean, Beingmounted on his steed again; 
 
 (And Ralpho got a cock-horse too Upon his beast, with much ado) 
 
 Advanc'd on for the widow's house, T' acquit himself, and pay his vows ; 
 
 When various thoughts began to bustle, 
 
 And with his inward man to justle ; 
 
 He thought what danger might accrue, 
 
 If she should find he swore untrue : 
 Or if his Squire or he should fail, And not be punctual in their tale, 
 It might at once the ruin prove Both of his honour, faith, and love. 
 But if he should forbear to go, She might conclude h' had broke his vow; 
 And that he durst not now for shame Appear in court, to try his claim. 
 This was the pennyworth of his thought, To pass time, and uneasy trot. 
 Quoth he, In all my past adventures, I ne'er was set so on the tenters ; 
 Or taken tardy with dilemma, That ev'ry way I turn does hem me ; 
 And with inextricable doubt, Besets my puzzled wits about : 
 
 For though the dame has been my bail, To free me from enchanted jail, 
 Yet as a dog, committed close For some offence, by chance breaks loose, 
 And quits his clog, but all in vain, He still draws after him his chain ; 
 So, though my ancle she has quitted, My heart continues still committed ; 
 
 And like a bail'd and main-priz'd lover, 
 
 Altho' at large, I am bound over ; 
 And when I shall appear in court, To plead my cause, and answer for't, 
 Unless the judge do partial prove, What will become of me and love ? 
 For if in our account we vary, Or but in circumstance miscarry, 
 
 Or if she put me to strict proof, And make me pull my doublet off, 
 
 To shew, by evident record, Writ on my skin, I've kept my word, 
 
 How can I ne'er expect to have her, Having demurr'd unto her favour ? 
 
 But, faith, and love, and honour lost, 
 
 Shall be reduc'd t' a knight o' th' post ? 
 Beside, that stripping may prevent What I'm to prove by argument, 
 -/And justify I have a tail ; And that way too my proof may fail. 
 
 Oh ! that I cou'd enucleate, And solve the problem of my fate ; 
 
 Or find, by necromantic art, How far the dest'nies take my part ; 
 
 For if I were not more than certain To win and wear her, and her fortune, 
 I'd go no farther in this courtship, To hazard soul, estate, and worship ; 
 For though an oath obliges not, Where anything is to be got, 
 
 (As thou hast prov'd) yet 'tis prophane, 
 
 And sinful, when men swear in vain. 
 
 Quoth Ralph, Not far from hence doth dwell 
 
 A cunning man, hight Sidrophel, 
 That deals in destiny's dark counsels, And sage opinions of the moon sells; 
 To whom all people, far and near, On deep importances repair ; 
 
 When brass and pewter hap to stray, And linen slinks out of the way ; 
 When geese andpullen are seduc'd, Andsowsofsuckingpigsare chous'd; 
 When cattle feel indisposition, And need th' opinion of physician ; 
 
 When murrain reigns in hogs or sheep, And chickens languish of the pip; 
 
 When yest and outward means do fail, 
 
 And have no power to work on ale ; 
 

 76 HUDIBRAS, PART II. 
 
 When butter does refuse to come, 
 
 And love proves cross and humoursome ; 
 To him with questions, and with urine, They for discov'ry flock, or curing. 
 Quoth Hudibras, This Sidrophel Fve heard of, and should like it well, 
 
 If thou canst prove the saints have freedom 
 
 To go to sorc'rers when they need 'em. 
 Says Ralpho, There's no doubt of that ; Those principles I quoted late 
 Prove that the godly may alledge For anything their privilege ; 
 
 And to the dev'l himself may go, If they have motives thereunto. 
 
 For, as there is a war between The dev'l and them, it is no sin 
 
 If they, by subtle stratagem, Make use of him, as he does them, 
 
 Has not this present parliament A leger to the devil sent, 
 
 Fully empowered to treat about Finding revolted witches out ? 
 
 And has not he, within a year, Hang'd threescore of 'em in one shire ? 
 Some only for not being drown'd, And some for sitting above ground, 
 
 Whole days and nights, upon their breeches, 
 
 And, feeling pain, were hang'd for witches, 
 And some for putting knavish tricks Upon green geese and turkey chicks, 
 Or pigs, that suddenly deceas'd Of griefs unnat'ral, as he guess'd ; 
 
 Who after prov'd himself a witch, And made a rod for his own breech. 
 Did not the devil appear to Martin Luther in Germany, for certain ? 
 And wou'd have gull'd him with a trick, But Mart, was too too politic. 
 Did he not help the Dutch to purge At Antwerp their cathedral church? 
 
 Sing catches to the saints at Mascon, 
 
 And tell them all they came to ask him ? 
 Appear in divers shapes to Kelly, And speak i' th'nun of Loudon's belly ? 
 Meet with the Parliament's committee, At Woodstock on a pers'nal treaty ? 
 At Sarum take a cavalier I' th' cause's service prisoner ; 
 
 As Withers in immortal rhyme Has register'd to after time ? 
 
 Do not our great reformers use This Sidrophel to forebode news ; 
 
 To write of victories next year, And castles taken yet i' th' air ? 
 
 Of battles fought at sea, and ships 
 
 Sunk two years hence, the last eclipse ? 
 A total overthrow giv'n the King In Cornwall, horse and foot, next spring? 
 
 And has not he point-blank foretold 
 
 Whats'e'er the close committee would ? 
 Made Mars and Saturn for the cause, The moon for fundamental laws : 
 The ram, the bull, and goat declare Against the book of common-prayer ? 
 The Scorpion take the protestation, And bear engage for reformation ? 
 Made all the royal stars recant, Compound, and take the covenant ? 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, The case is clear, The Saints may 'mploy a conjurer, 
 As thou hast prov'd it by their practice ; No argument like matter of fact is, 
 And we are best of all led to Men's principles, by what they do. 
 
 Then let us strait advance in quest Of this profound gymnosophist ; 
 And as the fates and he advise, Pursue or wave this enterprise. 
 
 This said, he turn'd about his steed, And eftsoons on th' adventure rid ; 
 
 Where leave we him and Ralph a while, 
 
 And to the conjurer turn our style, 
 To let our reader understand What's useful of him before hand 
 
 j— He had been longt'wards mathematics, Optics, philosophy, and statics, 
 X Magic, horoscopy, astrology, And was old dog at physiology ; 
 
CANTO IIL HUDIBRAS. 77 
 
 But as a dog that turns the spit, Bestirs himself, and plies his feet, 
 
 To climb the wheel, but all in vain, 
 
 His own weight brings him down again, 
 And still he's in the self-same place Where at his setting out he was ; 
 So in the circle of the arts, Did he advance his nat'ral parts, 
 
 Till falling back still, for retreat, He fell to juggles, cant, and cheat ; 
 For as those fowls that live in water Are never wet, he did but smatter ; 
 Whatever he laboured to appear, His understanding still was clear ; 
 
 Yet none a deeper knowledge boasted, 
 
 Since old Hodge Bacon, and Bob Grosted, 
 Th' intelligible world he knew, And all men dream on't to be true : 
 That in this world there's not a wart That has not there a counterpart ; 
 Nor can there on the face of ground An individual beard be found, 
 That has not, in that foreign nation, A fellow of the self-same fashion ; 
 So cut, so colour'd, and so curl'd, As those are in th' inferior world, 
 H' had read Dee's prefaces before The Dev'l, and Euclid, o'er and o'er, 
 
 And all the intrigues 'twixt him and Kelly, 
 
 Lescus and th' Emperor, would tell ye : 
 But with the moon was more familiar Than e'er was almanac well- wilier ; 
 Her secrets understood so clear, That some believ'd he had been there ; 
 Knew when she was in fittest mood For cutting corns, or letting blood ; 
 
 When sows and bitches may be spay'd, 
 
 And in what sign best cyder's made ; 
 Whether the wane be or increase Best to set garlic, or sow pease : 
 
 Who first found out the man i' th' moon. 
 
 That to the ancients was unknown ; 
 How many dukes, and earls, and peers, Are in the planetary spheres ; 
 Their airy empire., and command, Their sev'ral strengths by sea andland; 
 
 What factions th' have, and what they drive at 
 
 In public vogue, or what in private ; 
 With what designs and interests Each party manages contests. 
 
 He made an instrument to know If the moon shine at full or no ; 
 
 That would, as soon as e'er she shone, straight 
 
 Whether 'twere day or night demonstrate ; 
 
 Tell what her di'meter t' an inch is, 
 
 And proof that she's not made of green cheese. w 
 It would demonstrate, that the man in The moon's a sea mediterranean ; 
 And that it is no dog nor bitch, That stands behind him at his breech ; 
 But a huge Caspian sea, or lake, With arms, which men for legs mistake ; 
 How large a gulph his tail composes, And what a goodly bay his nose is ; 
 
 How many German leagues by th' scale 
 
 Cape snout's from promontory tail. 
 He made a planetary gin, Which rats would run their own heads in, 
 
 And come on purpose to be taken, 
 
 Without th' expence of cheese or bacon ; 
 
 With lute-strings he would counterfeit 
 
 Maggots that crawl on dish of meat ; 
 Quoth moles and spots on any place O' th' body, by the index face ; 
 
 Cure warts and corns, with application Of med'cines to th' imagination ; 
 
 Fright agues into dogs, and scare 
 
 With rhymes, the tooth-ach and catarrh : 
 
78 HUDIBRAS. PART II. 
 
 Chase evil spirits away by dint Of cickle, horse-shoe, hollow-flint ; 
 
 Spit fire out of a walnut-shell, Which made the Roman slaves rebel ; 
 And fire a mine in China here, With sympathetic gunpowder. 
 
 He knew whats'ever's to be known, 
 But much more than he knew would own : 
 What med'cine 'twas that Paracelsus 
 Could make a man with, as he tells us ; 
 What figur'd slates are best to make On wat'ry surface duck or drake; 
 What bowling-stones, in running race 
 Upon a board, have swiftest pace ; 
 Whether a pulse beat in the black List of a dappled louse's back ; 
 If systole or diastole move Quickest when he's in wrath or love ; 
 
 When two of them do run a race, Whether they gallop, trot, or pace; 
 How many scores a flea will jump, 
 Of his own length, from head to rump ; 
 Which Socrates and Chasrephon, In vain essay'd so long agon ; 
 
 Whether his snout a perfect nose is, And not an elephant's proboscis ; 
 How many diff'rent species Of maggots breed in rotten cheese ; 
 
 And which are next of kin to those Engender'd in a chandler's nose ; 
 Or those not seen, but understood, That live in vinegar and wood. 
 
 A paultry wretch he had, half-starv'd, 
 That him in place of Zany serv'd, 
 Hight Whachum, bred to dash and draw, 
 Not wine, but more unwholesome law ; 
 To make 'twixt words and lines huge gaps, Wide as meridians in maps ; 
 To squander paper, and spare ink, 
 Or cheat men of their words, some think. 
 From this, by merited degrees, He'd to more high advancement rise; 
 To be an under-conjurer, Or journeyman astrologer : 
 
 His bus'ness was to pump and wheedle, 
 And men with their own keys unriddle, 
 To make them to themselves give answers, 
 For which they pay the necromancers ; 
 To fetch and carry intelligence, 
 Of whom, and what, and where, and whence, 
 And all discoveries disperse Among th' whole pack of conjurers ; 
 
 What cutpurses have left with them, For the right owners to redeem: 
 And what they dare not vent, find out, 
 To gain themselves and th' art repute ; 
 Draw figures, schemes, and horoscopes, 
 Of Newgate, Bridewell, brokers shops, 
 Of thieves ascendant in the cart ; And find out all by rules of art : 
 
 Which way a serving-man, that's run 
 With cloaths or money away, is gone ; 
 Who pick'd a fob at holding forth, 
 And where a watch for half the worth, 
 May be redeem'd ; or stolen plate Restor'd at conscionable rate. 
 
 Beside all this, he serv'd his master In quality of poetaster ; 
 
 And rhymes appropriate could make To ev'ry month i' th' almanac ; 
 When terms begin and end could tell, With their returns in doggerel ; 
 When the exchequer opes and shuts ; And sow-gelder with safety cuts; 
 
CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. yg 
 
 When men may eat and drink their fill ; 
 And when be template, if they will ; 
 When use and when abstain from vice, 
 Figs, grapes, phlebotomy, and spice. 
 And as in prison mean rogues beat Hemp, for the service of the great ; 
 So Whachum beat his dirty brains, 
 T' advance his master's fame and gains ; 
 And like the devil's oracles, Put into doggrel rhymes his spells, 
 
 Which over every month's blank page 
 I' th' almanac strange bilks presage. 
 He would an elegy compose On maggots squeez'd out of his nose ; 
 In lyric numbers write an ode on His mistress eating a black pudding. 
 His sonnets charm'd th' attentive croud, 
 By wide mouth'd mortal troll'd aloud, 
 That, circled with his long-ear'd guests, 
 Like Orpheus look'd among the beasts ; 
 A carman's horse could not pass by, But stood ty'd up to poetry ; 
 
 No porter's burthen pass'd along But serv'd for burthen to his song ; 
 Each window like a pill'ry appears, 
 With head thrust through nail'd by the ears ; 
 All trades run in as to the fight Of monsters, or their dear delight, 
 
 The gallow tree, when cutting purse Breeds bus'ness for heroic verse, 
 Which none does hear but would have hung 
 T' have been the theme of such a song. 
 Those two together long had liv'd, In mansion prudently contri^d, 
 Where neither tree nor house could bar The free detection of a star ; 
 And nigh an ancient obelisk Was rais'd by him, found out by Fisk, 
 On which was written, not in words, But hieroglyphic mute of birds, 
 Many rare pithy saws concerning The worth of astrologic learning : 
 From top of this there hung a rope To which he fasten'd telescope, 
 The spectacles with which the stars He reads in smallest characters. 
 It happen'd as a boy, one night, Did fly his tarsel of a kite ; 
 
 The strangest long-wing'd hawk that flies, 
 That, like a bird of paradise, 
 Or herald's martlet, has no legs, 
 Nor hatches young ones, nor lays eggs ; 
 His train was six yards long, milk-white, 
 At th' end of which there hung a light, 
 Inclos'd in lanthorn made of paper, That far off like a star did appear, 
 This Sidrophel by chance espy'd, And with amazement staring wide, 
 Bless us, quoth he, what dreadful wonder 
 Is that appears in heaven yonder ; 
 A comet, and without a beard ! Or star that ne'er before appeared ? 
 
 I'm certain 'tis not in the scrol Of all those beasts, and fish, and fowl, 
 With which, like Indian plantations, 
 The learned stock the constellations ; 
 Nor those that drawn for signs have been, 
 To th' houses where the planets inn. 
 It must be supernatural, Unless it be that cannon-ball 
 
 That, shot i' th' air point-blank upright, 
 Was borne to that prodigious height, 
 
80 HUDIBRAS. PART n. 
 
 That learn'd philosophers maintain, 
 
 It ne'er came backwards down again ; 
 But in the airy region yet Hangs like the body of Mahomet : 
 
 For if it be above the shade That by the earth's round bulk is made, 
 'Tis probable it may from far Appear no bullet but a star. 
 
 This said, he to his engine flew, Placed near at hand, in open view, 
 And raised it till it levelPd right Against the glow-wonn tail of kite. 
 
 Then peeping through, Bless us ! (quoth he) 
 
 It is a planet now I see ; 
 And, if I err not, by his proper Figure, that's like tobacco-stopper, 
 
 It should be Saturn : yet 'tis clear, 
 
 ? Tis Saturn ; but w T hat makes him there ? 
 He's got between the dragon's tail, And further leg behind o' th' whale; 
 Pray heaven avert the fatal omen, For 'tis a prodigy not common ; 
 And can no less than the world's end, Or nature's funeral, portend. 
 With that he fell again to pry, Through perspective more wistfully, 
 
 When by mischance the fatal string, 
 
 That kept the tow'ring fowl on wing, 
 
 Breaking, down fell the star : Well shot, 
 
 Quoth Whachum, w T ho right wisely thought 
 H' had levelPd at a star, and hit it : But Sidrophel, more subtle-witted, 
 Cry'd out, what horrible and fearful Portent is this, to see a star fall ; 
 It threatens nature, and the doom Will not be long before it come ! 
 
 When stars do fall, 'tis plain enough, 
 
 The day of judgment's not far off ; 
 
 As lately 'twas revealed to Sedgwick, 
 
 And some of us find out by magic. 
 
 Then since the time w T e have to live 
 
 In this world's shorten'd, let us strive 
 To make our best advantage of it, And pay our losses with our profit. 
 This feat fell out not long before 
 
 The Knight upon the fore-nam'd score, 
 In quest of Sidrophel advancing, Was now in prospect of the mansion; 
 
 Whom he discovering, turned his glass, 
 
 And found far off, 'twas Hudibras. 
 
 Whachum (quoth he), look yonder some 
 
 To try or use our art are come : 
 
 The one's the learned Knight ; seek out, 
 
 And pump 'em what they come about. 
 
 Whachum advanc'd, with all submiss'ness 
 
 T' accost 'em, but much more their bus'ness : 
 
 He held a stirrup while the Knight 
 
 From leathern bare-bones did alight ; 
 
 And taking from his hand the bridle, 
 
 Approach'd the dark Squire to unriddle : 
 
 He gave him first the time o' th' day, 
 
 And welcom'd him as he might say : 
 
 He ask'd him whence they came, and whether 
 
 Their bus'ness lay ? quoth Ralpho, Hither. 
 
 Did you not lose — quoth Ralpho, Nay ; 
 
 Quoth Whachum, Sir, I meant your w 7 ay ! 
 
CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 8 1 
 
 Your Knight, quoth Ralpho, is a lover, 
 
 And pains intolerable doth suffer ; 
 
 For lovers hearts are not their own hearts, 
 
 Nor lights, nor lungs, and so forth downwards. 
 
 What time ? — quoth Ralpho, Sir, too long 
 
 Three years it off and on has hung — 
 
 Quoth he, I meant what time o' th' day 'tis ; 
 
 Quoth Ralpho between seven and eight 'tis. 
 
 Why then (quoth Whachum) my small art 
 
 Tells me, the dame has a hard heart, 
 
 Or great estate — quoth Ralph, A jointure, 
 
 Which makes him have so hot a mind t' her. 
 Meanwhile the Knight was making water, Before he fell upon the matter ; 
 Which having done, the wizard steps in, To give him suitable reception ; 
 But kept his business at a bay, Till Whachum put him in the way ; 
 
 Who having now, by Ralpho's light, 
 
 Expounded th' errand of the Knight ; 
 And what he came to know, drew near, To whisper in the conj'rer's ear, 
 Which he prevented thus : What was't, Quoth he, that I was saying last, 
 Before these gentlemen arrived ? Quoth Whachum, Venus you retrieved, 
 In opposition with Mars, And no benign friendly stars 
 
 T' allay the effect. Quoth wizard, So ! 
 
 In Virgo ? Ha ! quoth Whachum, No : 
 
 Has Saturn nothing to do in it ? One tenth oi's circle to a minute. 
 
 'Tis well, quoth he. — Sir, you'll excuse This rudeness I am forc'd to use, 
 
 It is a scheme and face of heaven, As th' aspects are disposed this even, 
 
 I was contemplating upon, When you arriv'd ; but now Pve done. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, If I appear Unseasonable in coming here, 
 
 At such a time to interrupt Your speculations, which I hop'd 
 
 Assistance from, and come to use, 'Tis fit that I asked your excuse. 
 
 By no means, Sir, quoth Sidrophel, The stars your coming didfortel ; 
 
 I did expect you here, and knew, Before you spake, your bus'ness too. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, Make that appear, And I shall credit whatsoe'er 
 
 You tell me after, on your word, Howe'er unlikely or absurd. 
 
 You are in love, Sir, with a widow, 
 
 Quoth he, that does not greatly heed you. 
 
 And for three years has rid your wit And passion, without drawing bit ; 
 
 And now your bus'ness is to know If you shall carry her or no. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, You're in the right, But how the devil you come by't 
 
 I can't imagine ; for the stars, I'm sure, can tell no more than a horse ; 
 
 Nor can their aspects (though you pore 
 
 Your eyes out on 'em) tell you more 
 Than th' oracle of sieve and sheers, That turns as certain as the spheres : 
 But if the devil's of your counsel, Much may be done, my noble Donzel ; 
 And 'tis on his account I come, To know from you my fatal doom. 
 
 Quoth Sidrophel, If you suppose, Sir Knight, that I am one of those, 
 I might suspect, and take the alarm, Your bus'ness is but to inform ; , 
 But if it be, 'tis ne'er the near, You have a wrong sow by the ear^' 
 
 For I assure you, for my part, I only deal by rules of art ; 
 
 6 
 
82 HUDIBRAS. PART II. 
 
 Such as are lawful, and judge by Conclusions of astrology : 
 
 But for the devil know nothing by him, 
 
 But only this, that I defy him. 
 Quoth he, Whatever others deem ye, I understand your metonymy : 
 
 Your words of second-hand intention ; 
 
 When things by wrongful names you mention ; 
 The mystic sense of all your terms, That are indeed but magic charms, 
 
 To raise the devil, and mean one thing, 
 
 And that is down-right conjuring : 
 And in itself more warrantable, Than cheat or canting to a rabble, 
 
 Or putting tricks upon the moon, Which by confed'racy are done. 
 
 Your ancient conjurers were wont 
 
 To make her from her sphere dismount, 
 And to their incantations stoop ; They scorn'd to pore through telescope, 
 Or idly play at bo-peep with her, To find out cloudy or fair weather, 
 Which every almanac can tell Perhaps as learnedly and well 
 
 As you yourself — Then, friend, I doubt You go the farthest way about. 
 The Rosicrucian way's more sure To bring the devil to the lure. 
 
 Each of 'em has a several gin, To catch intelligences in : 
 
 Some by the nose with fumes trepan 'em, 
 
 As Dun stan did the devil's grannum ; 
 Others with characters and words, Catch 'em, as men in nets do birds ; 
 And some with symbols, signs, and tricks, EngraVd in planetary nicks, 
 
 With their own influences will fetch 'em 
 
 Down from their orbs, arrest, and catch 'em ; 
 Make 'em depose and answer to All questions, ere they let them go. 
 Bumbastus kept a devil's bird Shut in the pommel of his sword, 
 
 That taught him all the cunning pranks Of past and future mountebanks. 
 Kelly did all his feats upon The deviFs looking-glass, a stone ; 
 
 Where playing with him at bo-peep, He solVd all problems ne'er so deep. 
 Agrippa kept a Stygian pug, I' th' garb and habit of a dog, 
 
 That was his tutor, and the cur Read to the occult philosopher, 
 
 And taught him subt'ly to maintain All other sciences are vain. 
 
 To this quoth Sidrophello, Sir, Agrippa was no conjurer, 
 
 Nor Paracelsus, no nor Behmen ; Nor was the dog a cacodcemon, 
 
 But a true dog that would shew tricks 
 
 For th' Emperor, and leap o'er sticks ; 
 Would fetch and carry, was more civil Than other dogs, but yet no devil ; 
 And whatso'er he's said to do, He went the self-same way we go. 
 
 As for the Rosicross philosophers, 
 
 Whom you will have to be but sorcerers, 
 What they pretend to is no more Than Trismegistus did before, 
 
 Pythagoras, old Zoroaster, And Apollonius their master ; 
 
 To whom they do confess they owe All that they do, and all they know. 
 Quoth Hudibras, Alas ! what is't t' us, 
 
 Whether 't was said by Trismegistus, 
 If it be nonsense, false, or mystic, Or not intelligible, or sophistic ? 
 
 'Tis not antiquity, nor author, 
 
 That makes truth truth, altho' time's daughter ; 
 'Twas he that put her in the pit, Before he pull'd her out of it : 
 
 And as he eats his sons, just so He feeds upon his daughters too : 
 
canto Hi. HUDIBRAS. 83 
 
 Nor does it follow, 'cause a herald 
 
 Can make a gentleman, scarce a year old, 
 
 To be descended of a race Of ancient kings in a small space, 
 
 That we should all opinions hold Authentic that we can make old. 
 
 Quoth Sidrophel, It is no part Of prudence to cry down an art ; 
 
 And what it may perform deny, Because you understand not why. 
 
 (As Averrhois play'd but a mean trick, 
 
 To damn our whole art for eccentric) 
 
 For who knows all that knowledge contains ? 
 
 Men dwell not on the tops of mountains, 
 But on their sides, or risings seat ; So 'tis with knowledge's vast height. 
 Do not the hist'ries of all ages Relate miraculous presages 
 
 Of strange turns in the world's affairs 
 
 Foreseen b' astrologers, soothsayers, 
 Chaldeans, learn'd Genethliacs, And some that have writ almanacs ? 
 When Caesar in the senate fell, Did not the sun eclips'd forte!, 
 
 And, in resentment of his slaughter, Look'd pale for almost a year after ? 
 Augustus having b' oversight Put on his left shoe 'fore his right, 
 
 Had like to have been slain that day, By soldiers mutiny'ng for pay, 
 Are there not myriads of this sort, Which stories of all times report ? 
 
 Is it not ominous in all countries, 
 
 When crows and ravens croak upon trees ? 
 The Roman senate, when within The city walls an owl was seen, 
 
 Did cause their clergy, with lustrations, (Our synod calls humiliations) 
 The round-fac'd prodigy t'avert From doing town or country hurt ? 
 
 And if an owl have so much power, 
 
 Why should not planets have much more ? 
 That in a region far above Inferior fowls of the air move, 
 
 And should see further, and foreknow More than their augury below ? 
 Though that once serv'd the polity Of mighty states to govern by ; 
 
 And this is what we take in hand By powerful art to understand ; 
 
 Which, how we have perform'd, all ages 
 
 Can speak the events of our presages. 
 
 Have we not lately, in the moon, 
 
 Found a new world, to th' old unknown ? 
 Discover'd sea and land, Columbus And Magellan could never compass ? 
 Made mountains with our tubes appear, And cattle grazing on 'em there ? 
 Ouoth Hudibras, You lie so ope, That I, without a telescope, 
 
 Can find your tricks out, and descry 
 
 Where you tell truth, and where you lie : 
 For Anaxagoras long agon, Saw hills as well as you i' th' moon : 
 
 And held the sun was but a piece Of red hot ir'n, as big as Greece ; 
 
 Believ'd the heavens were made of stone, 
 
 Because the sun had voided one : 
 And, rather than he would recant Th' opinion, suffer'd banishment. 
 But what, alas ! is it to us, Whether i' th' moon men thus or thus 
 
 Do eat their porridge, cut their corns, 
 
 Or whether they have tails or horns ? 
 
 What trade from thence can you advance, 
 
 But what we nearer have from France ? 
 What can our travellers bring home, That is not to be learnt at Rome ? 
 
 6—2 
 
84 HUDIBRAS. part II. 
 
 What politics, or strange opinions, That are not in our own dominions ? 
 
 What science can be brought from thence, 
 
 In which we do not here commence ? 
 What revelations, or religions, That are not in our native regions ? 
 
 Are sweating lanthorns, or screen-fans, 
 
 Made better there, than th' are in France ? 
 Or do they teach to sing and play O' th' guittar there a newer away ? 
 
 Can they make plays there, that shall fit 
 
 The public humour, with less wit ? 
 
 Write wittier dances, quainter shows, 
 
 Or fight with more ingenious blows ? 
 Or does the man i' th' moon look big, And wear a huger periwig, 
 
 Shew in his gait, or face, more tricks Than our own native lunatics? 
 But if W* out-do him here at home, What good of your design can come ? 
 As wind i' th' hypocondries pent, Is but a blast if downward sent ; 
 
 But if it upward chance to fly, Becomes new light and prophecy : 
 
 So when your speculations tend, Above their just and useful end, 
 
 Although they promise strange and great Discoveries of things far fet, 
 They are but idle dreams and fancies, And favour strongly of the Ganzas. 
 Tell me but what's the natural cause, Why on a sign no painter draws 
 The full-moon ever, but the half, Resolve that with your Jacob's staff ; 
 
 Or why wolves raise a hubbub at her, 
 
 And dogs howl when she shines in water ? 
 And I shall freely give my vote, You may know something more remote. 
 At this deep Sidrophel look'd wise, 
 
 And staring round with owl-like eyes, 
 He put his face into a posture Of sapience, and began to bluster : 
 
 For having three times shook his head, To stir his wit up, this he said : 
 Art has no mortal enemies Next ignorance, but owls and geese ; 
 
 Those consecrated geese in orders, That to the capitol were warders ; 
 And being then upon patrol, With noise alone beat off the Gaul : 
 
 Or those Athenian sceptic owls That will not credit their own souls ! 
 Or any science understand, Beyond the reach of eye or hand ; 
 
 But measuring all things, by their own 
 
 Knowledge, hold nothing's to be known : 
 Those wholesale critics, that in coffee- Houses, cry down all philosophy, 
 And will not know upon what ground In nature we our doctrine found, 
 Although with pregnant evidence We can demonstrate it to sense, 
 
 As I just no>w have done to you, Foretelling what you came to know. 
 Were the stars only made to light Robbers and burglarers by night ? 
 
 To wait on drunkards, thieves, gold-finders 
 
 And lovers solacing behind doors, 
 Or giving one another pledges Of matrimony under hedges ? 
 
 Or witches simpling, and on gibbets Cutting from malefactors snippets ? 
 Or from the pillory tips of ears Of rebel-saint and perjurers ? 
 
 Only to stand by, and look on, But not know what is said or done ? 
 Is there a constellation there, That was not born and bred up here ? 
 And therefore cannot be to learn In any inferior concern. 
 
 Were they not, during all their lives, 
 
 Most of 'em pirates, whores, and thieves ? 
 And is it like they have not still In their own practices some skill ? 
 
canto in. HUDIBRAS. 85 
 
 Is there a planet that by birth Does not derive its house from earth ? 
 And therefore probably must know What is, and hath been done below : 
 
 Who made the Balance, or whence came 
 
 The Bull, the Lion, and the Ram ? 
 Did not we here the Argo rig ? Make Berenice's periwig ? 
 
 Whose livery does the coachman wear? Or who made Cassiopiea's chair ? 
 And therefore, as they came from hence, With us may hold intelligence. 
 Plato deny'd the world can be Governed without geometry, 
 
 (For money being the common scale 
 
 Of things by measure, weight, and tale, 
 
 In all th' affairs of church and state, 
 
 'Tis both the balance and the weight :) 
 Then much less can it be without Divine astrology made out ; 
 
 That puts the other down in worth, As far as heaven's above the earth. 
 These reasons (quoth the Knight) I grant 
 
 Are something more significant 
 Than any that the learned use Upon this subject to produce ; 
 
 And yet th' are far from satisfactory, 
 
 T' establish and keep up your factory. 
 Th' Egyptians say, the sun has twice Shifted his setting and his rise ; 
 Twice has he risen in the west, As many times set in the east : 
 
 But whether that be true, or no The devil any of you know, 
 
 Some hold the heavens, like a top, Are kept by circulation up, 
 
 And were't not for their wheeling round, 
 
 They'd instantly fall to the ground ; 
 As sage Empedocles of old, And from him modern authors hold. 
 
 Plato believ'd the sun and moon Below all other planets run. 
 
 Some Mercury, some Venus seat Above the sun himself in height. 
 
 The learned Scaliger complain'd 'Gainst what Copernicus maintain'd, 
 
 That in twelve hundred years and odd, 
 
 The sun had left its ancient road, 
 And nearer to the earth is come 'Bove fifty thousand miles from home ; 
 Swore 'twas a most notorious flam, And he that had so little shame 
 To vent such fopperies abroad, Deserv'dto have his rump well claw'd : 
 
 Which Monsieur Bodin hearing, swore 
 
 That he deserv'd the rod much more, 
 
 That durst upon a truth give doom, 
 
 He knew less than the Pope of Rome. 
 Cardan believ'd great states depend Upon the tip o' th' bear's tail's end ; 
 
 That as she whisk' d it t'wards the sun, 
 
 Strow'd mighty empires up and down ; 
 
 Which others say must needs be false, 
 
 Because your true bears have no tails. 
 
 Some say the zodiac constellations 
 
 Have long since chang'd their antique stations 
 Above a sign, and prove the same In Taurus now, once in the Ram : 
 Affirm the trigons chopp'd and chang'd, The wat'ry with the fiery rang'd, 
 Then how can their effects still hold To be the same they were of old ? 
 
 This, though the heart were true, would make, 
 
 Our modern soothsayers mistake : 
 And is one cause they tell more lies, In figures and nativities, 
 
86 HUDIBRAS. part ii. 
 
 Than the old Chaldean conjurers, In so many hundred thousand years ; 
 Beside their nonsense in translating, For want of accidence and Latin, 
 Like Idus and Calendar, English'd The quarter-days, by skilful linguist : 
 
 And yet with canting, slight and cheat, 
 
 'Twill serve their turn to do the feat : 
 Make fools believe in their foreseeing Of things before they are in being ; 
 
 To swallow gudgeons ere th' are catch'd ; 
 
 And count their chickens ere th' are hatch'd ;~4 
 
 Make them the constellations prompt, 
 
 And give 'em back their own accompt ; 
 But still the best to him that gives The best price fort, or best believes. 
 
 Some towns, some cities, some for brevity 
 
 Have cast the versal world's nativity ; 
 
 And make the infant stars confess, 
 
 Like fools or children, what they please. 
 Some calculate the hidden fates Of monkeys, puppy-dogs, and cats : 
 
 Some running nags, and fighting-cocks, 
 
 Some love, trade, law-suits, and the pox : 
 Some take a measure of the lives Of fathers, mothers, husbands, wives ; 
 Make opposition, trine, and quartile, Tell who is barren, and who fertile ; 
 As if the planet's first aspect The tender infant did infect 
 
 In soul and body, and instill All future good, and future ill : 
 
 Which in their dark fatalities lurking, At destin'd periods fall a working ; 
 And break out, like the hidden seeds Of long diseases, into deeds, 
 
 In friendships, enmities, and strife, And all th' emergencies of life : 
 No sooner does he peep into The world, but he has done his do. 
 
 Catch'd all diseases, took all physic That cures or kills a man that is sick; 
 Marry'd his punctual dose of wives, Is cuckolded, and breaks, or thrives, 
 There's but the twinkling of a star Between a man of peace and war, 
 A thief and justice, fool and knave, A huffing officer and a slave, 
 
 A crafty lawyer and pick-pocket, A great philosopher and a block-head, 
 A formal preacher and a player, A learn'd physician and manslayer : 
 As if men from the stars did suck Old age, diseases, and ill-luck, 
 
 Wit, folly, honour, virtue, vice, Trade, travel, women, claps, and dice ; 
 
 And draw, with the first air they breathe, 
 
 Battle, and murder, sudden death. 
 Are not these fine commodities, To be imported from the skies, 
 
 And vended here among the rabble, For staple goods and warrantable ? 
 Like money by the Druids borrowed, In th' other world to be restored ? 
 Quoth Sidrophel, To let you know 
 
 You wrong the art, and artists too, 
 Since arguments are lost on those That do our principles oppose ; 
 
 I will (although I've done't before) Demonstrate to your sense once more, 
 And draw a figure that shall tell you, What you, perhaps, forget befelyou, 
 By way of horary inspection, Which some account our worst erection, 
 With that he circles draws, and squares, With cyphers, astral characters; 
 
 Then looks 'em o'er, to understand 'em, 
 
 Although set down hab-nab, at random. 
 Quoth he, This scheme of th' heavens set, 
 
 Discovers how in fight you met 
 
CANTO in. HUDIBRAS. , Sj 
 
 At Kingston with a may-pole idol, 
 
 And that y' were bang'd both back and side well, 
 And though you overcame the bear, The dogs beat you at Brentford fair ; 
 
 Where sturdy butchers broke your noddle, 
 
 And handled you like a fop-doodle. 
 Quoth Hudibras, I now perceive You are no conjurer, by your leave : 
 That paultry story is untrue, And forg'd to cheat such gulls as you. 
 Not true ? quoth he, However you vapour, 
 
 I can what I affirm make appear ; 
 Whachum shall justify t t' your face. And prove he was upon the place : 
 
 He play'd the Saltinbancho's part, 
 
 Transform' d t' a Frenchman by my art ; 
 
 He stole your cloak, and picked your pocket, 
 
 Chous'd and Caldes'd ye like a blockhead, 
 And what you lost I can produce, If you deny it, here i' th' house. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, I do believe That argument's demonstrative ; 
 
 Ralpho, bear witness, and go fetch us A constable to seize the wretches : 
 
 For though th' are both false knaves and cheats, 
 
 Impostors, jugglers, counterfeits, 
 
 111 make them serve for perpendiculars, 
 
 As true as e'er were us'd by bricklayers. 
 They're guilty by their own confessions Of felony, and at the sessions 
 
 Upon the bench I will so handle 'em, 
 
 That the vibration of this pendulum 
 Shall make all taylors yards of one Unanimous opinion ; 
 
 A thing he long has vapour'd of, But now shall make it out by proof. 
 Quoth Sidrophel, I do not doubt 
 
 To find friends that will bear me out ; 
 Nor have I hazarded my art, And neck, so long on the state's part, 
 To be expos'd i' th' end to suffer, By such a braggadocio huffer. 
 
 Huffer, quoth Hudibras, this sword 
 
 Shall down thy false throat cram that word. 
 
 Ralpho, make haste, and call an officer, 
 
 To apprehend this Stygian sophister ; 
 Mean while I'll hold 'em at a bay, Lest he and Whachum run away. 
 But Sidrophel, who, from th' aspect , Of Hudibras, did now erect 
 A figure worse portending far Than that of most malignant star, 
 
 Believ'd it now the fittest moment 
 
 To shun the danger that might come on't, 
 While Hudibras was all alone, And he and Whachum, two to one. 
 
 This being resolv'd, he spy'd, by chance, 
 
 Behind the door an iron lance, 
 
 That many a sturdy limb had gor'd, 
 
 And legs, and loins, and shoulders bor'd ; 
 He snatch'd it up, and made a pass, To make his way through Hudibras. 
 Whachum had got a fire-fork, W T ith which he vow'd to do his work. 
 But Hudibras was well prepared, And stoutly stood upon his guard : 
 He put by Sidrophello's thrust, And in right manfully he rush'd ; 
 
 The weapon from his gripe he wrung, And laid him on the earth along. 
 Whachum his sea-coal prong threw by, And basely turn'd his back to fly ; 
 But Hudibras gave him a twitch As quick as light'ning in the breech, 
 
88 HUDIBRAS. part II. 
 
 Just in the place where honour's lodg'd, 
 
 As wise philosophers have judged, 
 (Because a kick in that place more 
 f t Hurts honour than deep wounds before. 
 Quoth Hudibras, The stars determine 
 
 You are my prisoners, base vermine : 
 Could they not tell you so, as well As what I came to know fortel ? 
 
 By this what cheats you are we find, 
 
 That in your own concerns are blind. 
 Your lives are now at my dispose, To be redeem' d by fine or blows : 
 But who his honour would defile, To take, or sell, two lives so vile ? 
 
 I'll give you quarter ; but your pillage, 
 
 The conquering warrior's crop and tillage, 
 
 Which with his sword he reaps and plows, 
 
 That's mine the law of arms allows. 
 This said in haste, in haste he fell To rummaging of Sidrophel : 
 
 First, he expounded both his pockets, 
 
 And found a watch, with rings and lockets, 
 Which had been left with him t'erect A figure for, and so detect ; 
 
 A copper-plate, with almanacs Engrav'd upon't, with other knacks, 
 
 Of Booker's, Lilly's, Sarah Jimmers, 
 
 And blank schemes to discover nimmers ; 
 A moon dial, with Napier's bones, And several constellation stones, 
 Engrav'd in planetary hours, That over mortals had strange powers, 
 To make 'em thrive in law or trade, And stab or poison to evade, 
 
 In wit or wisdom to improve, And be victorious in love. 
 
 Whachum had neither cross nor pile, 
 
 His plunder was not worth the while ; 
 All which the conqu'ror did discompt, To pay for curing of his rump, 
 But Sidrophel, as full of tricks As rota-men of politics, 
 
 Straight cast about to over-reach Th' unwary conqu'ror with a fetch, 
 And make him glad (at least) to quit His victory, and fly the pit, 
 
 Before the secular prince of darkness Arriv'd to seize upon his carcass : 
 And as a fox, with hot pursuit, Chac'd through a warren, casts about 
 To save his credit, and among Dead vermin on a gallows hung, 
 
 And while the dogs run underneath, Escap'd (by counterfeiting death), 
 Not out of cunning, but a train Of atoms justling in his brain, 
 
 As learn'd philosophers give out ; So Sidrophello cast about, 
 
 And fell to's wonted trade again, To feign himself in earnest slain : 
 
 First stretch'd out one leg, then another, 
 
 And seeming in his breast to smother 
 
 A broken sigh, quoth he, Where am I, 
 
 Alive, or dead, ; or which way came I 
 
 Through so immense a space so soon ? 
 
 But now I thought myself in th' moon ; 
 
 And that a monster, with huge whiskers, 
 ♦ More fonnidable than a Switzer's, 
 
 My body through and through had drill'd, 
 
 And Whachum by my side had kilPd, 
 Had cross-examin'd both our hose, And plunder d all we had to lose': 
 Look, there he is, I see him now, And feel the place I am run through]; 
 
CANTO in. HUD1BRAS. 89 
 
 And there lies Whachum by my side 
 
 Stone dead, and in his own blood dy 7 d : 
 Oh ! Oh*, with that he fetched a groan, And fell again into a swoon, 
 
 Shut both his eyes, and stopp'd his breath, 
 
 And to the life out-acted death ; 
 That Hudibras, to all appearing, Believed him to be dead as herring. 
 He held it now no longer safe, To tarry the return of Ralph, 
 
 But rather leave him in the lurch: Thought he, he has abus'd our church, 
 Refus'd to give himself one firk To carry on the public work ; 
 
 Despised our synod-men, like dirt, And made their discipline his sport ; 
 
 Divulged the secrets of their classes, 
 
 And their conventions prov'd high places ; 
 
 Disparaged their tythe-pigs as Pagan, 
 
 And set at nought their cheese and bacon ; 
 Rail'd at their covenant, and jeered Their revYend parsons to my beard : 
 For all which scandals, to be quit At once, this juncture falls out fit. 
 HI make him henceforth to beware, And tempt my fury, if he dare : 
 He must at least hold up his hand, By twelve free-holders to be scann'd ; 
 Who by their skill in palmestry, Will quickly read his destiny ; 
 
 And make him glad to read his lesson, Or take a turn for't at the session : 
 Unless his Ifght and gifts prove truer Than ever yet they did, I'm sure ; 
 For if he ; scape with whipping now, ? Tis more than he can hope to do : 
 
 And that will disengage my conscience 
 
 Of th' obligation, in his own sense : 
 I'll make him now by force abide What he by gentle means deny'd, 
 To give my honour satisfaction, And right the brethren in the action. 
 
 This being resolv'd, with equal speed 
 
 And conduct, he approached his steed, 
 And, with activity unwont, Assayed the lofty beast to mount ; 
 
 Which once atchiev'd, he spurred his palfry, 
 
 To get from th' enemy, and Ralph, free : 
 
 Left danger, fears, and foes behind, 
 
 And beat, at least three lengths, the wind. 
 
 AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF HUDIBRAS TO 
 SIDROPHEL, 
 
 ECCE ITERUM CRISPINUS 
 
 WELL ! Sidrophel, though 'tis in vain 
 
 To tamper with your crazy brain, 
 Without trepanning of your skull As often as the moon's at full : 
 
 'Tis not amiss, ere y 9 are given o'er, 
 
 To try one desperate medicine more ; 
 
 For where your case can be no worse, 
 
 *The desp'rat'st is the wisest course. 
 Is't possible that you whose ears Are of the tribe of Issachar's, 
 
 And might (with equal reason) either For merit, or extent of leather, 
 
90 HUDIBRAS TO SWROPHEL. 
 
 With William Pryn's, before they were 
 
 Retrenched and crucify'd, compare, 
 Should yet be deaf against a noise So roaring as the public voice ? 
 
 That speaks your virtues free and loud, And openly in every cloud, 
 As loud as one that sings his part T' a wheel-barrow, or turnip cart. 
 
 Or your new nick'd-nam'd old invention 
 
 To cry green hastings with an engine ; 
 
 (As if the vehemence had stunn'd, 
 
 And torn your drum-heads with the sound). 
 And 'cause your folly's now no news, But overgrown, and out of use, 
 
 Persuade yourself there's no such matter, 
 
 But that 'tis vanish'd out of nature ; 
 When folly, as it grows in years, The more extravagant appears. 
 
 For who but you could be possess'd With so much ignorance and boast, 
 
 That neither all mens scorn, and hate, 
 
 Nor being laugh'd and pointed at, 
 
 Nor bray'd so often in a mortar, 
 
 Can teach you wholesome sense and nurture : 
 But (like a reprobate) what course Soever us'd, grow worse and worse ? 
 Can no transfusion of the blood, That makes fools cattle, do you good ? 
 Nor putting pigs to a bitch to nurse, To turn 'em into rrlongrel-curs, 
 Put you into a way, at least, To make yourself a better beast ? 
 
 Can all your critical intrigues, Of trying sound from rotten eggs, 
 
 Your several new-found remedies Of curing wounds and scabs in trees, 
 Your arts of fluxing them for claps, And purging their infected saps, 
 
 Recovering shankers, crystallines, 
 
 And nodes and blotches in their rinds, 
 Have no effect to operate Upon that duller block, your pate ? 
 
 But still it must be lewdly bent To tempt your own due punishment ; 
 
 And, like your whimsied chariots, draw 
 
 The boys to course you without law : 
 As if the art you have so long Profess'd of making old dogs young, 
 
 In you had virtue to renew Not only youth, but childhood too. 
 
 Can you, that understand all books, By judging only with your looks, 
 Resolve all problems with your face, As others do with B's and A's ; 
 Unriddle all that mankind knows With solid bending of your brows : 
 All arts and sciences advance, With screwing of your countenance ; 
 And with a penetrating eye, Into th' abstrusest learning pry ; 
 
 Know more of any trade b' a hint, 
 
 Than those that have been bred up in't ; 
 And yet have no art, true or false, To help your own bad naturals ? 
 But still the more you strive t' appear, Are found to be the wretcheder : 
 
 For fools are known by looking wise 
 
 As men find woodcocks by their eyes. 
 
 Hence 'tis that 'cause y' have gain'd o' th' college 
 
 A quarter share (at most) of knowledge, 
 And brought in none, but spent repute, Y' assume a power as absolute 
 To judge, and censure, and control, As if you were the sole Sir Poll ; 
 And saucily pretend to know More than your dividend comes to. 
 
 You'll find the thing will not be done With ignorance and face alone ; 
 No, though y' have purchas'd to your name, In history, so great a fame, 
 
HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL. 91 
 
 That now your talent's so well known, For having all belief out-grown, 
 That every strange prodigious tale Is measured by your German scale, 
 By which the virtuosi try The magnitude of every lye, 
 
 Cast up to what it does amount, And place the biggest to your account. 
 That all those stories that are laid Too truly to you, and those made, 
 
 Are now still charged upon your score, 
 
 And lesser authors nam'd no more. 
 Alas ! that faculty betrays Those soonest it designs to raise ; 
 
 And all your vain renown will spoil, 
 
 As guns o'er charged the more recoil ; 
 Though he that has but impudence, To all things has a fair pretence ; 
 
 And put, among his wants, but shame, 
 
 To all the world may lay his claim. 
 
 Though you have try'd that nothing's borne 
 
 With greater ease than public scorn, 
 That all affronts do still give place To your impenetrable face, 
 
 That makes your way through all affairs, 
 
 As pigs through hedges creep with theirs : 
 Yet as 'tis counterfeit, and brass, You must not think 'twill always pass ; 
 
 For all impostors, when they're known, 
 
 Are past their labour, and undone. ^ 
 And all the best that can befal An artificial natural 
 
 Is that which madmen find, as soon 
 
 As once they're broke loose from the moon. 
 And proof against her influence, Relapse to e'er so little sense, 
 
 To turn stark fools, and subjects fit For sport of boys, and rabble-wit. 
 
 PART III. 
 CANTO I.— Argument. 
 
 The Knight and Squire resolve at once The one the other to renounce ; 
 
 They both approach the Lady's bower, The Squire t'inform, the Knight to woo her : 
 
 She treats them with a masquerade, By furies and hobgoblins made : 
 
 From which the Squire conveys the Knight, And steals him from himself by night. 
 
 'Tis true, no lover has that power T' enforce a desperate amour, 
 
 As he that has two strings t' his bow, And burns for love and money too ; 
 For then he's brave and resolute, Disdains to render in his suit, 
 
 Has all his flames and raptures double, 
 And hangs, or drowns, with half the trouble ; 
 While those who sillily pursue The simple downright way and true 
 Make as unlucky applications, 
 And steer against the stream their passions. 
 Some forge their mistresses of stars; And when the ladies prove averse, 
 And more untoward to be won, Than by Caligula the moon, 
 
 Cry out upon the stars for doing 111 offices, to cross their wooing, 
 
 When only by themselves they're hind'red, 
 For trusting those they made her kindred ; 
 
92 
 
 HUD1BRAS. PART in. 
 
 And still, the harsher and hide-bounder 
 
 The damsels prove, become the fonder. 
 For what mad lover ever dy'd, To gain a soft and gentle bride ? 
 
 Or for a lady tender-hearted In purling streams, or hemp departed ? 
 
 Leap'd headlong hit' Elysium 
 
 Through th' windows of a dazzling room ? 
 
 But for some cross ill-natur'd dame, 
 
 The am'rous fly burnt in his flame. 
 
 This to the Knight could be no news, 
 
 With all mankind so much in use ; 
 Who therefore took the wiser course, To make the most of his amours ; 
 Resolv'd to try all sorts of ways, As follows in due time and place. 
 
 No sooner was the bloody fight, Between the Wizard and the Knight, 
 With all th' appurtenances, over, But he relaps'd again to' a lover ; 
 As he was always wont to do, When h' had discomfited a foe ; 
 
 And us'd the only antique philters, Derived from old heroic tilters. 
 
 But now triumphant, and victorious, 
 
 He held th' atchievement was too glorious 
 For such a conqueror to meddle With petty constable or beadle : 
 
 Or fly for refuge to the hostess 
 
 Of th' inns of court and chancery, justice ; 
 Who might, perhaps, reduce his cause To th' ordeal trial of the laws ; 
 
 Where none escape, but such as branded 
 
 With red hot irons have past bare-handed ; 
 
 And if they cannot read one verse 
 
 F th' Psalms, must sing it, and that's worse.4 
 
 He therefore judging it below him, 
 
 To tempt a shame the devil might owe him, 
 
 Resolv'd to leave the Squire for bail 
 
 And mainprize for him, to the gaol, 
 To answer, with his vessel, all That might disastrously befall ; 
 
 And thought it now the fittest juncture To give the lady a rencounter, 
 
 T' acquaint her with his expedition, 
 
 And conquest o'er the fierce magician : 
 
 Describe the manner of the fray, 
 
 And shew the spoils he brought away ; 
 His bloody scourging aggravate, The number of the blows and weight ; 
 
 All which might probably succeed, 
 
 And gain belief h' had done the deed : 
 
 Which he resolv'd t' enforce, and spare 
 
 No pawning of his soul to swear : 
 But, rather than produce his back, To set his conscience on the rack ; 
 And in pursuance of his surging Of articles perform'd, and scourging, 
 And all things else upon his part, Demand deliver)- of her heart, 
 
 Her goods, and chattels, and good graces, 
 
 And person up to his embraces 
 
 Thought he, the ancient errant knights 
 
 Won all their ladies hearts in fights ; 
 And cut whole giants into fritters, To put them into amorous twitters ; 
 
 Whose stubborn bowels scorn'd to yield, 
 
 Until their gallants were half kill'd : 
 
CANTO r. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 93 
 
 But when their bones were drubb'd so sore, 
 
 They durst not woo one combat more, 
 The ladies hearts began to melt, Subdu'd by blows their lovers felt. 
 
 So Spanish heroes with their lances, 
 
 At once wound bulls, and ladies fancies, 
 
 And he acquires the noblest spouse, 
 
 That widows greatest herds of cows ; 
 Then what may I expect to do, Wh' have quell'd so vast a buffalo ? 
 
 Mean while, the Squire was on his way, 
 
 The Knight's late orders to obey ; 
 
 Who sent him for a strong detachment 
 
 Of beadles, constables, and watchmen, 
 
 T' attack the cunning-man, for plunder 
 
 Committed falsely on his lumber ; 
 When he, who had so lately sacked The enemy, had done the fact, 
 
 Had rifled all his pokes and fobs 
 
 Of gimcracks, whims, and jiggumbobs, 
 
 Which he by hook, or crook, had gather'd, 
 
 And for his own inventions fataer'd : 
 
 And when they should, at gaol delivery, 
 
 Unriddle one another's thievery, 
 Both might have evidence enough, To render neither halter-proof ; 
 He thought it desperate to tarry, And venture to be accessary : 
 
 But rather wisely slip his fetters, 
 
 And leave them for the Knight, his betters. 
 
 He call'd to mind th' unjust foul play 
 
 He would have offer'd him that day : 
 To make him curry his own hide, Which no beast ever did beside, 
 Without all possible evasion, But of the riding dispensation. 
 
 And therefore, much about the hour 
 
 The Knight (for reasons told before) 
 Resolv'd to leave him to the fury Of justice, and an unpack'd jury, 
 
 The Squire concurred t' abandon him, 
 
 And serve him in the self-same trim ; 
 
 T' acquaint the Lady what h' had done, 
 
 And what he meant to carry on ; 
 What project 'twas he went about, When Sidrophel and he fell out : 
 His firm and stedfast resolution, To swear her to an execution ; 
 
 To pawn his inward ears to marry her, 
 
 And bribe the devil himself to carry her. 
 
 In which both dealt, as if they meant 
 
 Their party-saints to represent, 
 
 Who never faiPd, upon their snaring, 
 
 In any prosperous arms-bearing, 
 To lay themselves out to supplant Each other cousin-german saint. 
 But e'er the Knight could do his part, 
 
 The Squire had got so much the start, 
 
 H' had to the Lady done his errand 
 
 And told her all his tricks afore-hand. 
 Just as he finish'd his report, The Knight alighted in the court ; 
 
 And having ty'd his beast t' a pale, And taking time for both to stale, 
 
94 
 
 HUDIBRAS. 
 
 He put his band and beard in order, 
 
 The sprucer to accost and board her ; 
 
 And now began t' approach the door, 
 
 When she, wh' had spy'd him out before, 
 Convey'd th' informer out of sight, And when to entertain the Knight : 
 
 With whom encountering, after longees 
 
 Of humble and submissive congees, 
 
 And all due ceremonies paid, He strok'd his beard, and thus he said : 
 
 Madam, I do, as is my duty, Honour the shadow of your shoe-tye : 
 
 And now I am come to bring your ear A present you'll be glad to hear ; 
 
 At least I hope so : The thing's done, Or may I never see the sun ; 
 
 For which I humbly now demand Performance at your gentle hand, 
 
 And that you'd please to do your part, As I have done mine, to my smart. 
 
 With that he shrugg'd his sturdy back, As if he felt his shoulders ache. 
 
 But she who well enough knew what (Before he spoke) he would be at, 
 
 Pretended not to apprehend The mystery of what he mean'd ; 
 
 And therefore wish'd him to expound His'dark expressions less profound. 
 
 Madam, quoth he, I come to prove 
 
 How much I've suffered for your love, 
 Which (like your votary) to win, I have not spar'd my tattered skin : 
 And, for those meritorious lashes, To claim your favour and good graces. 
 Ouoth she, I do remember once I freed you from th' enchanted sconce ; 
 
 And that you promis'd, for that favour, 
 
 To bind your back to good behaviour, 
 And for my sake and service vow'd, To lay upon't a heavy load, 
 
 And what 'twould bear, t' a scruple prove, 
 
 As other knights do oft make love ; 
 
 Which, whether you have done or no, 
 
 Concerns yourself, not me, to know. 
 But if you have, I shall confess, Y' are honester than I could guess, 
 Ouoth he, If you suspect my troth, I cannot prove it but by oath : 
 And if you make a question on't, I'll pawn my soul that I have don't ; 
 
 And he that makes his soul his surety, 
 
 I think, does give the best security. 
 Ouoth she, Some say the soul's secure 
 
 Against distress and forefeiture, 
 Is free from action and exempt, From execution and contempt : 
 
 And to be summon'd to appear In th' other world's illegal here ; 
 
 And therefore few make any account Int' what incumbrances they run't : 
 I For most men carry things so even 
 
 *"-* ' Between this world, and hell, and heaven, 
 
 Without the least offence to either, They freely deal in altogether. 
 
 And equally abhor to quit This world for both, or both for it ; 
 
 And when they pawn and damn their souls, 
 
 They are but pris'ners on paroles, 
 For that, quoth he, 'tis rational, They may be accountable in all ; 
 For when there is that intercourse Between divine and human powers, 
 That all that we determine here Commands obedience every where ; 
 When penalties may be commuted For fines, or ears, and executed: 
 It follows, nothing binds so fast As souls in pawn and mortgage past : 
 
canto I. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 For oaths are th' only tests and seals 
 
 Of right and wrong, and true and false ; 
 And there's no other way to try The doubts of law and justice by. 
 
 Quoth she, What is it you would swear ? 
 
 There's no believing till I hear : 
 
 For 'till they're understood, all tales 
 
 (Like nonsense) are not true, nor false. 
 Quoth he, When I resolved t' obey What you commanded t' other day, 
 And to perform my exercise, (As schools are wont) for your fair eyes ; 
 T' avoid all scruples in the case, I went to do't upon the place : 
 
 But as the castle is enchanted By Sidrophel the witch, and haunted 
 With evil spirits, as you know, Who took my Squire and me for two ; 
 Before I'd had hardly time to lay My weapons by, and disarray, 
 
 I heard a formidable noise, Loud as the Stentrophonic voice, 
 
 That roar'd far off, Dispatch and strip, I'm ready with th' infernal whip, 
 That shall divest thy ribs of skin, To expiate thy ling'ring sin. 
 
 Thou hast broke perfidiously thy oath, 
 
 And not perform' d thy plighted troth ; 
 
 But spar'd thy renegado back, 
 
 Where thou had'st so great a prize at stake : 
 Which now the fates have order'd me For penance and revenge to flea : 
 
 Unless thou presently make haste ; 
 
 Time is, Time was : and there it ceas'd. 
 
 With which, though startled, I confess, 
 
 Yet th' horror of the thing was less 
 Than the other dismal apprehension Of interruption or prevention : 
 And therefore snatching up the rod, I laid upon my back a load ; 
 
 Resolv'd to spare no flesh and blood, 
 
 To make my word and honour good : 
 
 Till tir'd, and taking truce at length, 
 
 For new recruits of breath and strength, 
 I felt the blows, still ply'd as fast, As if th' had been by lovers plac'd, 
 In raptures of Platonic lashing, And chaste contemplative bardashing : 
 When facing hastily about, To stand upon my guard* and scout, 
 
 I found th' infernal cunning man, And th' under witch, his Caliban, 
 
 With scourges (like the furies) arm'd, 
 
 That on my outward quarters storm'd : 
 In haste I snatch'd my weapons up, And gave their hellish rage a stop ; 
 CalFd thrice upon your name, and fell Courageously on Sidrophel : 
 
 Who now transform'd himself t' a bear, Began to roar aloud and tear ; 
 When I as furiously press'd on, My weapon down his throat to run, 
 
 Laid hold on him ; but he broke loose, 
 
 And turn'd himself into a goose, 
 Div'd under water, in a pond, To hide himself from being found. 
 
 In vain I sought him ; but as soon As I perceived him fled and gone, 
 Prepar'd with equal haste and rage, His under-sorcerer t' engage. 
 
 But bravely scorning to defile My sword with feeble blood and vile, 
 I judg'd it better from a quick- Set hedge to cut a knotted stick, 
 
 With which I furiously laid on, Till in a harsh and doleful tone, 
 
 It roar'd, O hold, for pity, Sir ; I am too great a sufferer, 
 
 Abus'd, as you have been, b' a witch But conjur'd into a worse caprich ; 
 
96 HUDIBRAS. PART in. 
 
 Who sends me out on many a jaunt, Old houses in the night to haunt, 
 For opportunities t' improve Designs of thievery or love ; 
 
 With drugs conveyed in drink or meat, All feats of witches counterfeit, 
 Kill pigs and geese with powder'd glass, 
 And make it for enchantment pass ; 
 With cow-itch meazle like a leper, 
 And choak with fumes of Guinea-pepper : 
 Make lechers, and their punks, with dewtry ; 
 Commit phantastical advowtry ; 
 Bewitch Hermetic men to run Stark staring mad with manicon ; 
 
 Believe mechanic virtuosi Can raise 'em mountains in Potosi ; 
 
 And sillier than the antic fools, Take treasure for a heap of coals ; 
 
 Seek out for plants with signatures, To quack of universal cures ; 
 
 With figures ground on panes of glass, 
 Make people on their heads to pass ; 
 And mighty heaps of coin increase, Reflected from a single. piece ; 
 
 To draw in fools whose natural itches Incline perpetually to witches ; 
 And keep me in continual fears, And danger of my neck and ears ; 
 When less delinquents have been scourg'd, 
 And hemp on wooden anvils forg'd, 
 Which others for cravats have worn About their necks, and took a turn. 
 I pity'd the sad punishment The wretched caitiff underwent, 
 
 And held my drubbing of his bones Too great an honour for pultroons ; 
 For knights are bound to feel no blows From paltry and unequal foes, 
 Who when they slash, and cut to pieces, Do all with civillest addresses ; 
 Their horses never give a blow, But when they make a leg and bow. 
 I therefore spared his flesh, and press'd him 
 About the witch with many a question. 
 Quoth he, for many years he drove A kind of broken trade in love. 
 Employed in all th' intrigues and trust Of feeble speculative lust ; 
 
 Procurer to th' extravagancy, And crazy ribaldry of fancy, 
 
 By those the devil had forsook, As things below him, to provoke. 
 
 But being a virtuoso, able To smatter, quack, and cant, and dabble, 
 He held his talent most adroit, For any mystical exploit ; 
 
 As others of his tribe had done And rais'd their prices three to one. 
 For one predicting pimp has th' odds 
 Of chaldrons of plain downbright awds. 
 But as an elf (the devil's valet) Is not so slight a thing to get, 
 
 For those that do his bus'ness best, In hell are us'd the ruggedest, 
 
 Before so meriting a person Could get a grant, but in reversion, 
 
 He serv'd two 'prenticeships, and longer, 
 F th' mystery of a lady-monger. 
 For (as some write) a witch's ghost, 
 . As soon as from the body loos'd, 
 Becomes a puisne imp itself, And is another witch's elf, 
 
 He, after searching far and near, 
 At length found one in Lancashire, 
 With whom he bargain'd before-hand, 
 And, after hanging, entertain'd. 
 Since which h' has play'd a thousand feats, 
 And practis'd all mechanic cheats ; 
 
CANTO I. HUD I BR AS. 
 
 97 
 
 Transformed himself to th' ugly shapes 
 
 Of wolves, and bears, baboons, and apes ; 
 
 Which he has vary'd more than witches, 
 
 Or Pharaoh's wizards could their switches ; 
 
 And all with whom h' has had to do, 
 
 Turn'd to as monstrous figures too. 
 
 Witness myself, whom h' has abus'd, 
 
 And to this beastly shape reduced, 
 By feeding me on beans and pease, He crams in nasty crevices, 
 
 And turns to comfits by his arts, To make me relish for deserts, 
 
 And one by one, with shame and fear, 
 
 Lick up the candy'd provender. 
 
 Beside — But as h' was running on, 
 
 To tell what other feats h' had done, 
 
 The lady stopped his full career, 
 
 And told him now 'twas time to hear 
 
 If half those things (said she) be true — 
 
 They're all (quoth he) I swear by you — 
 
 Why then (said she) that Sidrophel 
 
 Has damn'd himself to th' pit of hell ; 
 Who, mounted on a broom, the nag And hackney of a Lapland hag, 
 In quest of you came hither post, Within an hour (Pm sure) at most ; 
 Who told me all you swear and say Quite contrary another way ; 
 
 Vow'd that you came to him, to know If you should carry me or no ; 
 
 And would have hir'd him and his imps 
 
 To be your match-makers and pimps, 
 
 T' engage the devil on your side, 
 
 And steal (like Proserpine) your bride. 
 But he, disdaining to embrace So filthy a design and base, 
 
 You fell to vapouring and huffing, And drew upon him like a ruffian ; 
 
 Surpriz'd him meanly, unprepared, 
 
 Before he had time to mount his guard ; 
 
 And left him dead upon the ground, 
 
 With many a bruise and desperate wound : 
 
 Swore you had broke, and robb'd his house, 
 
 And stole his talismanic louse, 
 And all his new-found old inventions, With flat felonious intentions ; 
 
 Which he could bring out, where he had, 
 
 And what he bought them for, and paid 
 His flea, his morpion, and punaise, H' had gotten for his proper ease, 
 And all in perfect minutes made, By th' ablest artist of the trade ; 
 
 Which (he could prove it) since he lost, He has been eaten up almost ; 
 And altogether might amount To many hundreds on account : 
 
 For which h' had got sufficient warrant To seize the malefactors errant, 
 Without capacity of bail, But of a cart's or horse's tail ; 
 
 And did not doubt to bring the wretches, 
 
 To serve for pendulums to watches, 
 Which, modern virtuosos say, Incline to hanging every way. 
 
 Beside he swore, and swore 'twas true, That, ere he went in quest of you, 
 He set a figure to discover If you were fled to Rye or Dover ; 
 
 And found it clear, that, to betray Yourselves and me, you fled this way ; 
 
 7 
 
98 HUDIBRAS. part iil 
 
 And that he was upon pursuit, To take you somewhere hereabout. 
 
 He vow'd he had intelligence Of all that pass'd before and since ; 
 
 And found, that ere you came to him, Y'had been engaging life and limb, 
 
 About a case of tender conscience, 
 
 Where both abounded in your own sense ; 
 Till Ralpho, by his light and grace, Had clear'dall scruples in the case, 
 
 And prov'd that you might swear and own 
 
 Whatever's by the wicked done ; 
 For which, most basely to requite The service of his gifts and light, 
 
 You strove t' oblige him by main force 
 
 To scourge his ribs instead of yours ; 
 But that he stood upon his guard, And all your vapouring out-dar'd ; 
 For which, between you both, the feat Has never been performed as yet. 
 While thus the Lady talked, the Knight 
 
 Turned th' outside of his eyes so white, 
 (As men of inward light are wont To turn their optics in upon't.) 
 
 He wondered how she came to know What h' had done, and meant to do ; 
 •.Held up his affidavit-hand, As if h' had been to be arraigned ; 
 
 Cast towards the door a ghastly look, In dread of Sidrophel, and spoke : 
 Madam, If but one word be true Of all the wizard has told you, 
 
 Or but one single circumstance In all th' apochryphal romance, 
 
 May dreadful earthquakes swallow down This vessel, that is all your own; 
 
 Or may the heavens fall, and cover 
 
 These reliques of your constant lover. 
 You have provided well, quoth she, (I thank you) for yourself and me, 
 And shewn your Presbyterian wits Jump punctual with the Jesuits ; 
 
 A most compendious way, and civil, 
 
 At once to cheat the world, the devil, 
 
 And heaven, and hell, yourselves, and those 
 
 On whom you vainly think t' impose. 
 
 Why then (quoth he), may hell surprise — 
 
 That trick (said she) will not pass twice : 
 I've learn'd how far I'm to believe Your pinning oaths upon your sleeve : 
 
 But there's a better way of clearing 
 
 What you would prove than downright swearing ; 
 For if you have performed the feat, The blows are visible as yet, 
 
 Enough to swear for satisfaction Of nicest scruples in the action ; 
 
 And if you can produce those knobs, 
 
 Although they're but the witches drubs, 
 I'll pass them all upon account, As if your natural self had don't ; 
 
 Provided that they pass th' opinion Of able juries of old worn. 
 
 Who, us'd to judge all matter of facts For bellies, may do so for backs. 
 Madam (quoth he), Your love's a million : 
 
 To do is less than to be willing, 
 As I am, were it in my power, T' obey what you command and more. 
 But for performing what you bid, I thank you as much as if I did. 
 
 You know I ought to have a care, To keep my wounds from taking air ; 
 For wounds in those that are all heart, Are dangerous in any part. 
 
 I find (quoth she) my goods and chattels 
 
 Are like to prove but mere drawn battles ; 
 For still the longer we contend, We are but farther off the end, 
 
canto I. HUDIBRAS. 99 
 
 But granting now we should agree, What is it you expect from me ? 
 Your plighted faith (quoth he) and word You pass'd in heaven on record, 
 Where all contracts, to have and t' hold, Are everlastingly enrolPd : 
 And if 'tis counted treason here To rase records, 'tis much more there. 
 Quoth she, There are no bargains driv'n. 
 
 Nor marriages clapp'd up in heav'n ; , 
 
 And that's the reason, as some guess, There is no heav'n in marriages "p 
 Two things that naturally press Too narrowly to be at ease : 
 
 Their bus'ness there is only love, Which marriage is not like f improve. 
 Love, that's too generous to abide To be against it's nature ty'd : 
 
 For where 'tis of itself inclin'd, It breaks loose when it is confin'd ; 
 
 And like the soul, its harbourer, Debarr'd the freedom of the air, 
 
 Disdains against its will to stay, But struggles out, and flies away ; 
 And therefore never can comply T' endure the matrimonial tie, 
 
 That binds the female and the male, 
 
 Where th' one is but the other's bail ; 
 Like Roman gaolers, when they slept, Chain'd to the prisoners they kept, 
 Of which the true and faithfull'st lover Gives best security to suffer. 
 Marriage is but a beast, some say, That carries double in foul way ; 
 And therefore 'tis not to b' adnuYd It should so suddenly be tir'd ; 
 
 A bargain at a venture made Between two partners in a trade ; 
 
 (For what's inferr'd by t ? have and t' hold, 
 
 But something past away and sold ?) 
 That, as it makes but one of two, Reduces all things else as low ; 
 
 And at the best is but a mart Between the one and t' other part, 
 
 That on the marriage-day is paid, Or hour of death, the bet is laid ; 
 And all the rest of better or worse, Both are but losers out of purse. 
 
 For when upon their ungot heirs 
 
 Th' entail themselves, and all that's theirs, 
 What blinder bargain e'er was driv'n, Or wager laid at six and seven, 
 
 To pass themselves away, and turn 
 
 Their children tenants ere they're born ? 
 Beg one another idiot To guardians, ere they are begot, 
 
 Or ever shall perhaps, by th' one Who's bound to vouch 'em for his own. 
 Though got b' implicit generation, And general club of all the nation ; 
 For which she's fortify' d no less Than all the island, with four seas ; 
 Exacts the tribute^ of her dower, In ready insolence and power ; 
 
 And makes him pass away, to have And hold, to her, himself, her slave. 
 
 More wretched than an ancient villain, 
 
 Condemn'd to drudgery and tilling ; 
 While all he does upon the by She is not bound to justify, 
 
 Nor at her proper cost and charge 
 
 Maintain the feats he does at large. 
 
 Such hideous sots were those obedient 
 
 Old vassals to their ladies regent, 
 To give the cheats the eldest hand In foul play, by the laws o' th' land ; 
 
 For which so many a legal cuckold 
 
 Has been run down in courts, and truckled. 
 A law that most unjustly yokes All Johns of Stiles to Joans of Nokes, 
 Without distinction of degree, Condition, age, or quality ; 
 
 Admits no power of revocation, Nor valuable consideration, 
 
 7—2 
 
100 HUD1BRAS. PART ill. 
 
 Nor writ of error, nor reverse Of judgment past, for better or worse ; 
 Will not allow the privileges That beggars challenge under hedges, 
 
 Who, when they're griev'd, can make dead horses 
 
 Their spiritual judges of divorces ; 
 
 While nothing else, but rem in re. Can set the proudest wretches free ; 
 
 A slavery, beyond enduring, But that 'tis of their own procuring : 
 
 /As spiders never seek the fly But leave him, of himself, t' apply ; 
 
 So men are by themselves employ'd, To quit the freedom they enjoy'd, 
 
 And run their necks into a noose, 
 
 They'd break 'em after, to break loose. 
 
 As some, whom death would not depart, 
 
 Have dpne the feat themselves, by art : 
 Like Indian widows, gone to bed In flaming curtains, to the dead ; 
 And men as often dangled fort, And yet will never leave the sport. 
 Nor do the ladies want excuse For all the stratagems they use, 
 
 To gain th' advantage of the set, And lurch the amorous rook and cheat. 
 For as the Pythagorean soul Runs thro' all beasts, and fish, and fowl, 
 And has a smack of ev'ry one, So love does, and has ever done : 
 
 And therefore, though 'tis ne'er so fond, 
 
 Takes strangely to the vagabond.^ 
 'Tis but an ague that's revers'd, Whose hot fit takes the patient first, 
 
 That after burns with cold as much 
 
 As iron in Greenland does the touch ; 
 Melts in the furnace of desire, Like glass, that's but the ice of fire ; 
 And when his heat of fancy's over, Becomes as hard and frail a lover : 
 
 For when he's with love-powder laden, 
 
 And prim'd and cock'd by Miss or Madam, 
 The smallest sparkle of an eye Gives fire to his artillery ; 
 
 And off the loud oaths go, but, while They're in the very act, recoil. 
 
 Hence 'tis so few dare take their chance 
 
 Without a sep'rate maintenance ; 
 
 And widows, who have try*d one lover, 
 
 Trust none again till th' have made over ; 
 Or if they do, before they marry, The foxes weigh the geese they carry, 
 
 And ere they venture o'er a stream, 
 
 Know how to size themselves and them : 
 Whence witti'st ladies always chuse To undertake the heaviest goose. 
 
 For now the world is grown so wary 
 
 That few of either sex dare marry, 
 
 But rather trust on tick t' amours, 
 
 The cross and pile for betfr or worse ; 
 A mode that is held honourable, As well as French and fashionable : 
 For when it falls out for the best, Where both are incommoded least, 
 In soul and body to unite, To make up one Hermaphrodite ; 
 
 Still amorous, and fond, and billing, Like Philip and Mary on a shilling. 
 
 Th' have more punctilios and capriches 
 
 Between the petticoat and breeches, 
 More petulant extravagances, Than poets make 'em in romances ; 
 
 Though when their heroes 'spouse the dames, 
 
 We hear no more of charms and flames : 
 For then their late attracts decline, And turn as eager as prick'd wine ; 
 
CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. IOI 
 
 And all their catterwauling tricks, In earnest to as jealous piques ; 
 Which th' ancients wisely signify^ By th' yellow mantuas of the bride, 
 For jealousy is but a kind Of clap and grincam of the mind, 
 
 The natural effects of love, As other flames and aches prove 
 
 But all the mischief is, the doubt On whose account they first broke out, 
 For though Chineses go to bed, And lie in, in their ladies stead, 
 
 And, for the pains they took before, 
 
 Are nurs'd and pampered to do more ; 
 
 Our green-men do it worse, when th' hap 
 
 To fall in labour of a clap ; 
 
 Both lay the child to one another ; 
 
 But who's the father, who the mother, 
 ? Tis hard to say in multitudes, Or who imported the French goods. 
 But health and sickness b'ing all one, Which both engag'd before to own, 
 
 And are not with their bodies bound 
 
 To worship only when they're found, 
 Both give and take their equal shares Of all they suffer by false wares : 
 A fate no lover can divert With all his caution, wit, and art. 
 
 For 'tis in vain to think to guess At woman by appearances %A 
 
 That paint and patch their imperfections Of intellectual complexions ; 
 And daub their tempers o'er with washes As artificial as their faces ; 
 
 Wear, under vizard-masks, their talents 
 
 And mother-wits, before their gallants ; 
 
 Until they're hamper'd in the noose, 
 
 Too fast, to dream of breaking loose : 
 
 When all the flaws they strove to hide 
 
 Are made unready with the bride, 
 
 That with her wedding-cloaths undresses 
 
 Her complaisance and gentilesses ; 
 Tries alHier arts to take upon her The government, from th' easy owner : 
 Until the wretch is glad to wave His lawful right and turn her slave ; 
 Find all his having and his holding, Reduc'd t' eternal noise and scolding; 
 The conjugal petard, that tears Down all portcullices of ears, 
 
 And makes the volley of one tongue 
 
 For all their leathern shields too strong ; 
 
 When only arm'd with noise, and nails, 
 
 The female silk- worms ride the males, 
 
 Transform 'em into rams and goats, 
 
 Like Syrens, with their charming notes ; 
 Sweet as a screech-owl's serenade, Or those enchanting murmurs made 
 
 By th' husband mandrake and the wife, 
 
 Both bury'd (like themselves) alive. 
 
 Quoth he, These reasons are but strains 
 
 Of wanton over-heated brains, 
 Which ralliers, in their wit or drink, Do rather wheedle with than think. 
 Man was not man in paradise, Until he was created twice, 
 
 And had his better-half, his bride, Carv'd from th' original, his side, 
 T' amend his natural defects, And perfect his recruiting sex, 
 
 Enlarge his breed, at once, and lessen 
 
 The pains and labour of increasing, 
 By changing them for other cares ; As by his dry'd up paps appears. 
 
102 HUDIBRAS. PART III. 
 
 His body, that stupendous frame, Of all the world the anagram, 
 
 Is of two equal parts compact, In shape and symmetry exact, 
 
 Of which the left and female side Is to the manly right a bride, 
 
 Both joined together with such art, That nothing else but death can part. 
 
 Those heavenly attracts of yours, your eyes, 
 
 And face, that all the world surprize, 
 That dazzle all that look upon ye, And scorch all other ladies tawny, 
 Those ravishing and charming graces, Are all made up of two half faces, 
 That in a mathematic line, Like those in other heavens, join, 
 
 Of which, if either grew alone, 'Twould fright as much to look upon ; 
 And so would that sweet bud, your lip, Without the other's fellowship. 
 Our noblest senses act by pairs, Two eyes to see, to hear two ears ; 
 Th ? intelligencers of the mind, To wait upon the soul design'd ; 
 
 But those that serve the body alone, Are single, and confined to one. 
 
 The world is but two parts, that meet 
 
 And close at .th 7 equinoctial fit ; 
 
 And so are all the works of nature, 
 
 Stamp'd with her signature on matter ; 
 Which all her creatures, to a leaf, Or smallest blade of grass, receive. 
 All which sufficiently declare How entirely marriage is her care, 
 
 The only method that she uses, In all the wonders she produces ; 
 
 And those that take their rules from her, 
 
 Can never be deceived nor err : 
 For what secures the civil life But pawns of children, and a wife ? 
 
 That lie, like hostages, at stake, To pay for all men undertake ; 
 
 To whom it is as necessary, As to be born and breathe, to marry. 
 
 So universal, all mankind, In nothing else, is of one mind. 
 
 For in what stupid age or nation Was ever marriage out of fashion ? 
 Unless among the Amazons, Or cloistered friars and vestal nuns ; 
 
 Or stoics, who, to bar the freaks And loose excesses of the sex, 
 
 Preposterously would have all women 
 
 Turned up to all the world in common. 
 
 Though men would find such mortal feuds 
 
 In sharing of their public goods, 
 
 'Twould put them to more charge of lives, 
 
 Than they're supply'd with now by wives ; 
 
 Until they graze, and wear their clothes, 
 
 As beasts do, of their native growths : 
 For simple wearing of their horns Will not suffice to serve their turns. 
 For what can we pretend t ? inherit, Unless the marriage deed will bear it ? 
 Could claim no right to lands or rents, But for our parents settlements ? 
 
 Had been but younger sons o' th ; earth, 
 
 Debarred it all, but for our birth. 
 What honours, or estates of peers, Could be preserved but by their heirs ; 
 And what security maintains Their right and title, but the banes ? 
 
 What crowns could be hereditary, If greatest monarchs did not marry ? 
 And with their consorts consummate Their weightiest interest of state ? 
 For all the amours of princes are But guarantees of peace or war : 
 
 Or what but marriage has a charm, The rage of empires to disarm ? 
 Make blood and desolation cease, And fire and sword unite in peace, 
 When all their fierce contests for forage Conclude in articles of marriage ? 
 
HUDIBRAS. 
 
 103 
 
 Nor does the genial bed provide Less for the int'rest of the bride ; 
 
 Who else had not the least pretence T' as much as due benevolence ; 
 Could no more title take upon her To virtue, quality, and honour, 
 
 Than ladies errant unconfin'd, And feme-couvertes t' all mankind. 
 
 All women would be of one piece, The virtuous matron, and the miss ; 
 
 The nymphs of chaste Diana's train, 
 
 The same with those in Lewkners lane ; 
 
 But for the difference marriage makes 
 
 'Twixt wives and ladies of the lakes : 
 Besides the joys of place and birth, The sexes paradise on earth ; 
 
 A privilege so sacred held, That none will to their mothers yield ; 
 
 But, rather than not go before, Abandon heaven at the door. 
 
 And if th' indulgent law allows A greater freedom to the spouse, 
 
 The reason is, because the wife Runs greater hazards of her life ; 
 
 Is trusted with the form and matter Of all mankind, by careful Nature. 
 
 Where man brings nothing but the stuff 
 
 She frames the wondrous fabric of ; 
 "Who therefore, in a straight, may freely Demand the clergy of her belly, 
 And make it save her the same way It seldom misses to betray, 
 
 Unless both parties wisely enter Into the liturgy indenture. 
 
 And though some fits of small contest 
 
 Sometimes fall out among the best ; 
 That is no more than every lover Does from his hackney-lady suffer : 
 
 That makes no breach of faith and love, 
 
 But rather (sometimes) serves t' improve. 
 For, as in running, every pace Is but between two legs a race, 
 
 In which both do their uttermost To get before, and win the post ; 
 
 Yet when they're at their race's ends, 
 
 They're still as kind and constant friends, 
 And, to relieve their weariness, By turns give one another ease : 
 
 So all those false alarms of strife, Between the husband and the wife, 
 And little quarrels, often prove To be but new recruits of love ; 
 
 When those wh' are always kind or coy, 
 
 In time must either tire or cloy. 
 
 Nor are their loudest clamours more, 
 
 Than as they're relish'd, sweet or sour : 
 Like music, that proves bad, or good, According as 'tis understood. 
 In all amours a lover burns, With frowns, as well as smiles, by turns ; 
 
 And hearts have been as oft with sullen, 
 
 As charming looks, surpriz'd and stolen : 
 
 Then why should more bewitching clamour 
 
 Some lovers not as much enamour ? 
 For discords make the sweetest airs, And curses are a kind of prayers ; 
 Too slight alloys, for all those grand Felicities by marriage gain'd. 
 
 For nothing else has power to settle Th' interests of love perpetual ; 
 An act and deed, that make one heart Become another's counter-part, 
 And passes fines on faith and love, Enroll'd and register'd above, 
 
 To seal the slippery knots of vows, 
 
 Which nothing else but death can loose. 
 
 And what security's too strong, 
 
 To guard that gentle heart from wrong, 
 
104 
 
 HUDIBRAS. part in. 
 
 That to its friend is glad to pass Itself away, and all it has : 
 
 And like an Anchoret gives over This world for th' heaven of a lover ? 
 I grant (quoth she) there are some few 
 
 Who take that course, and find it true : 
 
 But millions whom the same does sentence 
 
 To heaven, b' another way, repentance. 
 
 Love's arrows are but shot at rovers, 
 
 Though all they hit, they turn to lovers, 
 And all the weighty consequents Depend upon more blind events, 
 
 Than gamesters, when they play a set With greatest cunning at piquet, 
 Put out with caution, but take in They know not what, unsight unseen. 
 For what do lovers, when they're fast In one another's arms embrac'd, 
 But strive to plunder, and convey Each other, like a prize, away ? 
 
 To change the property of selves, As sucking children are by elves ? 
 And if they use their persons so, What will they to their fortunes do ? 
 Their fortunes ! the perpetual aims Of all their ecstasies and flames. 
 For when the money's on the book, And all my worldly goods but spoke, 
 (The formal livery and seisin That puts a lover in possession) 
 
 To that alone the bridegroom's wedded, 
 
 The bride a flam, that's superseded. 
 To that their faith is still made good, And all the oaths to us they vow'd: 
 
 For, when w r e once resign our powers, 
 
 W' have nothing left we can call ours : 
 Our money's now become the miss Of all your lives and services ; 
 
 And we forsaken and postpon'd, But bawds to what before we own'd ; 
 
 Which, as it made y 3 at first gallant us, 
 
 So now hires others to supplant us, 
 Until 'tis all turn'd out of doors, (As we had been) for new amours. 
 For what did ever heiress yet, By being born to lordships, get ? 
 
 When, the more lady sh' is of manors, 
 
 She's but expos'd to more trepanners, 
 Pays for their projects and designs, And for her own destruction fines: 
 
 And does but tempt them with her riches, 
 
 To use her as the devil does witches ; 
 Who takes it for a special grace, To be their cully for a space, 
 
 That, when the time's expired, the drazels 
 
 For ever may become his vassals : 
 
 So she, bewitch'd by rooks and spirits, 
 
 Betrays herself, and all sh' inherits ; 
 
 Is bought and sold, like stolen goods, 
 
 By pimps, and match-makers, and bawds ; 
 Until they force her to convey, And steal the thief himself away. 
 
 These are the everlasting fruits Of all your passionate love-suits, 
 
 Th' effects of all your amorous fancies, To portions and inheritances ; 
 Your love-sick rapture, for fruition, Of dowry, jointure, and tuition, 
 
 To which you make address and courtship, 
 
 And with your bodies strive to worship ; 
 
 That th' infant's fortunes may partake 
 
 Of love too for the mother's sake. 
 For these you play at purposes, And love your loves with A's and B's ; 
 For these, at bcste and P ombre woo, And play for love and money too; 
 
CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 105 
 
 Strive who shall be the ablest man At right gallanting of a fan ; 
 
 And who the most genteelly bred At sucking of a vizard-bead ; 
 
 How best f accost us, in all quarters, 
 
 T' our question and command new garters ; 
 And solidly discourse upon, All sorts of dresses, pro and con. 
 
 For there's no mystery nor trade, But in the art of love is made. 
 
 And when you have more debts to pay 
 
 Than Michaelmas and Lady- Day, 
 And no way possible to do't But love and oaths, and restless suit, 
 
 To us y' apply, to pay the scores Of all your cully'd past amours ; 
 
 Act o'er your flames and darts again, 
 
 And charge us with your wounds and pain ; 
 
 Which others influences long since 
 
 Have charm'd your noses with, and shins ; 
 For which the surgeon is unpaid, And like to be, without our aid. 
 
 Lord ! what an amorous thing is want ! 
 
 How debts and mortgages enchant ! 
 What graces must that lady have, That can from executions save ! 
 What charms, that can reverse extent, And null decree and exigent ! 
 What magical attracts, and graces, That can redeem from scire facias! 
 
 From bonds and statutes can discharge, 
 
 And from contempts of courts enlarge ! 
 These are the highest excellencies Of all your true or false pretences : 
 
 And you would damn yourselves, and swear 
 
 As much t' an hostess dowager, 
 Grown fat and pursy by retail Of pots of beer and bottled ale ; 
 
 And find her fitter for your turn, For fat is wondrous apt to burn ; 
 
 Who at your flames would soon take fire, 
 
 Relent, and melt to your desire, 
 And, like a candle in the socket, Dissolve her graces int 5 your pocket. 
 By this time 'twas grown dark and late, 
 
 When they heard a knocking at the gate, 
 
 Laid on in haste with such a powder, 
 
 The blows grew louder still and louder ; 
 Which Hudibras as if th' had been Bestow'd as freely on his skin, 
 Expounding by his inward light, Or rather more prophetic fright, 
 
 To be the wizard, .come to search, And take him napping in the lurch, 
 Turn'd pale: as ashes, or a clout ; But why, or wherefore, is a doubt : 
 /For men will tremble and turn paler, 
 "With too much or too little valour. 
 His heart laid on, as if it try'd, To force a passage through his side, 
 Impatient (as he vow'd) to wait 'em, But in a fury to fly at 'em ; 
 
 And therefore beat and laid about, To find a cranny to creep out. 
 
 But she, who saw in what a taking 
 
 The Knight was by his furious quaking, 
 
 Undaunted cry'd, Courage, Sir Knight, 
 
 Know, I'm resolv'd to break no rite 
 Of hospitality t' a stranger, But, to secure you out of danger, 
 
 Will here myself stand centinel, To guard this pass 'gainst Sidrophel. 
 Women, you know, do seldom fail To make the stoutest men turn tail; 
 And bravely scorn to turn their backs Upon the desp'ratest attacks. 
 
106 HUDIBRAS. PART in. 
 
 At this the Knight grew resolute As Ironside or Hardiknute ; 
 
 His fortitude began to rally, And out he cry'd aloud to sally. 
 
 But she besought him to convey, His courage rather out o' th' way, 
 And lodge in ambush on the floor, Or fortify'd behind a door ; 
 
 That, if the enemy should enter, He might relieve her in the adventure. 
 Meanwhile they knock'd against the door 
 
 As fierce as at the gate before ; 
 Which made the renegado Knight Relapse again t' his former fright. 
 He thought it desperate to stay Till th' enemy had forc'd his way, 
 
 But rather post himself, to serve The Lady, for a fresh reserve. 
 
 His duty was not to dispute, But what sh' had ordered execute : 
 
 Which he resolved in haste t' obey, 
 
 And therefore stoutly march'd away ; 
 And all h' encounter'd fell upon, Though in the dark, and all alone : 
 Till fear, that braver feats performs, Than ever courage dar'd in arms, 
 Had drawn him up before a pass, To stand upon his guard, and face. 
 This he courageously invaded, And having enter'd barricado'd ; 
 
 Ensconc'd himself as formidable As could be underneath a table ; 
 
 Where he lay down in ambush close, T' expect th' arrival of his foes. 
 Few minutes he had lain perdue, To guard his desp'rate avenue, 
 Before he heard a dreadful shout, As loud as putting to the rout ; 
 
 With which impatiently alarm'd, He fancy'd th' enemy had storm'd; 
 And, after enfring Sidrophel Was fall'n upon the guards pell-mell. 
 
 He therefore sent out all his senses, To bring him in intelligences ; 
 Which vulgars, out of ignorance, Mistake, for falling in a trance ; 
 
 But those that trade in geomancy, Affirm to be the strength of fancy, 
 In which the Lapland Magi deal, And things incredible reveal. 
 
 Mean while the foe beat up his quarters, 
 
 And storm'd the outworks of his fortress : 
 And as another of the same Degree and party, in arms and fame, 
 
 That in the same cause had engaged, 
 
 And war with equal conduct wag^d, 
 By venturing only but to thrust His head a span beyond his post, 
 
 B' a Gen'ral of the Cavaliers Was dragged thro' a window by th' ears ; 
 So he was serVd in his redoubt, And by the other end pull'd out. 
 
 Soon as they had him at their mercy, 
 
 They put him to the cudgel fiercely, 
 As if they'd scorn'd to trade or barter, By giving or by taking quarter : 
 They stoutly on his quarters laid, Until his scouts came in t' his aid. 
 
 For when a man is past his sense, 
 
 There's no way to reduce him thence, 
 But twinging him by the ears or nose, Or laying on of heavy blows ; 
 And if that will not do the deed, To burning with hot irons proceed. 
 No sooner was he come t' himself, But on his neck a sturdy elf 
 
 Clapp'd in a trice, his cloven hoof, And thus attack'd him with reproof: 
 Mortal, Thou art betray^ to us, B' our friend, thy evil genius, 
 
 Who for thy horrid perjuries, Thy breach of faith, and turning lies, 
 The brethren's privilege (against The wicked) on themselves, the saints, 
 Has here thy wretched carcase sent, For just revenge and punishment: 
 
 Which thou hast now no way to lessen, 
 
 But by an open free confession ; 
 
canto i. HUDIBRAS. 10 y 
 
 For, if we catch thee failing once, 
 'Twill fall the heavier on thy bones. 
 
 What made thee venture to betray, 
 And filch the Lady's heart away? 
 
 To spirit her to matrimony ? 
 
 That which contracts all matches, money, 
 It was the enchantment of her riches, 
 That made m ? apply t 7 your croney witches ; 
 That in return would pay th ; expence, The wear and tear of conscience, 
 Which I could have patched up, and turned, 
 For th ? hundredth part of what I earned. 
 
 Didst thou not love her then ? Speak true. 
 No, more (quoth he) than I love you. 
 
 How would'st th ; have us ? d her and her money? 
 First turn'd her up to alimony, 
 And laid her dov/ry out in law, To null her jointure with a flaw, 
 
 Which I beforehand had agreed T' have put, on purpose, in the deed ; 
 And bar her widow's making over 
 T ; a friend in trust or private lover. 
 
 What made thee pick and chuse her out 
 T ? employ their sorceries about ? 
 
 That which makes gamesters play with those 
 Who have least wit, and most to lose. 
 
 But didst thou scourge thy vessel thus, 
 As thou hast damn'd thyself to us ? 
 
 I see you take me for an ass : 
 J Tis true, I thought the trick would pass 
 Upon a woman well enough, As ; t has been often found by proof ; 
 
 Whose humours are not to be won But when they are imposed upon, 
 For love approves of all they do That stand for candidates and woo. 
 Why didst thou forge those shameful lies, 
 Of bears and witches in disguise ? 
 That is no more than authors give The rabble credit to believe : 
 
 A trick of following their leaders, To entertain their gentle readers. 
 And we have now no other way Of passing all we do or say ; 
 
 Which, when ; tis natural and true, Will be believ'd b' a very few, 
 
 Beside the danger of offence, The fatal enemy of sense. 
 
 Why didst thou chuse that cursed sin, Hypocrisy, to set up in ? 
 
 p- Because it is the thriving'st calling, 
 The only saints-bell that rings all in : 
 ^ In which all churches are concerned, 
 And is the easiest to be learned : 
 For no degrees, unless th ? employ ; t, Can ever gain much, or enjoy ? t. 
 A gift that is not only able To domineer among the rabble, 
 
 And by the laws empowered to root, 
 And awe the greatest that stand out : 
 Which few hold forth against, for fear 
 Their hands should slip, and come too near ; 
 For no sin else among the saints Is taught so tenderly against. 
 
 What made thee break thy plighted vows ? 
 That which makes others break a house, 
 
108 HUDIBRAS. PART in. 
 
 And hang, and scorn ye all, before 
 Endure the plague of being poor. 
 
 Quoth he, I see you have more tricks 
 Than all your doating politics, 
 That are grown old, and out of fashion, 
 Compared with your new reformation : 
 That we must come to school to you, 
 To learn your more refln'd and new. 
 Quoth he, if you will give me leave To tell you what I now perceive, 
 You'll find yourself an errant chouse If y' were but at a meeting-house. 
 'Tis true, quoth he, we ne'er come there, 
 Because w' have let 'em out by th' year. 
 
 Truly, quoth he, you can't imagine 
 What wond'rous things they will engage in ; 
 That as your fellow-fiends in hell Were angels all before they fell ; 
 So are you like to be again, Compar'd with th' angels of us men. 
 
 Quoth he, I am resolv'd to be Thy scholar in this mystery ; 
 
 And therefore first desire to know Some principles on which you go. 
 What makes a knave a child of God, 
 And one of us ? — A livelihood. *>^- 
 
 What renders beating out of brains, 
 And murder, godliness ? — Great gains. 4 
 
 What's tender conscience ? — 'Tis a botch 
 That will not bear the gentlest touch ; r* 
 But, breaking out, dispatches more Than th' epidemical'st plague sore. 
 What makes y' incroach upon our trade, 
 And damn all others ? — To be paid.--* 
 What's orthodox and true believing 
 Against a conscience ? — A good living. 
 What makes rebelling against kings 
 A good old cause ? — Administrings. 
 
 What makes all doctrine plain and clear ? — 
 About two hundred pounds a year. ^J" 
 
 And that which was prov'd true before, 
 Prove false again ? — Two hundred more.. 
 
 What makes the breaking of all oaths 
 A holy duty ? — Food and cloaths. 
 What laws and freedom, persecution ? — 
 B'ing out of power, and contribution.- 
 
 What makes a church a den of thieves ? — 
 A dean and chapter, and white sleeves.^ 
 
 And what would serve, if those were gone, 
 To make it orthodox ? — Our own. ^ 
 What makes morality a crime, The most notorious of the time : 
 
 Morality, which both the saints And wicked too cry out against ? 
 
 'Cause grace and virtue are within Prohibited degrees of kin : 
 
 And therefore no true saint allows 
 They shall be suffer d to espouse : 
 For saints can need no conscience, That with morality dispense ; 
 
 As virtue's impious, when 'tis rooted, In nature only, and not imputed : 
 But why the wicked should do so, We neither know, nor care to do. 
 
CANTO i. HUDIBRAS. I0 9 
 
 What's liberty of conscience, F th J natural and genuine sense ? 
 
 ? Tis to restore, with more security, Rebellion to its ancient purity ; 
 
 And Christian liberty reduce To th ? elder practice of the Jews. 
 
 For a large conscience is all one And signifies the same with none. 
 
 It is enough (quoth he) for once And has reprieved thy forfeit bones : 
 
 Nick Machiavel had ne'er a trick, 
 
 (Though he gave name to our Old Nick.) 
 But was below the least of these, That pass i' th J world for holiness. 
 This said, the furies and the light In th J instant vanished out of sight ; 
 
 And left him in the dark alone, 
 
 With stinks of brimstone and his own. 
 
 The queen of night, whose large command 
 
 Rules all the sea, and half the land, 
 
 And over moist and crazy brains, 
 
 In high spring-tide, at midnight reigns, 
 Was now declining to the west, To go to bed, and take her rest : 
 
 When Hudibras, whose stubborn blows 
 
 Deny'd his bones that soft repose, 
 
 Lay still expecting worse and more, 
 
 Stretch'd out at length upon the floor : 
 
 And though he shut his eyes as fast, 
 
 As if h' had been to sleep his last, 
 
 Saw all the shapes that fear or wizards 
 
 Do make the devil wear for vizards, 
 And pricking up his ears to heark If he could hear too in the dark, 
 Was first invaded with a groan, And after, in a feeble tone, 
 
 These trembling words, Unhappy wretch, 
 
 What hast thou gotten by this fetch ; 
 Or all thy tricks, in this new trade, Thy holy brotherhood o' th' blade ? 
 
 By sauntring still on some adventure, 
 
 And growing to thy horse a Centaur ; 
 
 To stuff thy skin with swelling knobs 
 
 Of cruel and hard- wooded drubs ? 
 
 For still th ? hast had the worst on't yet, 
 
 As well in conquest as defeat, 
 ight is the sabbath of mankind, To rest the body and the mind : 
 
 Which .now thou art deny'd to keep, 
 
 And cure thy laboured corps with sleep. 
 
 The Knight who heard the words explained, 
 
 As meant to him, this reprimand, 
 Because the character did hit, Point-blank upon his case so fit ; 
 
 Belie v'd it was some drolling spright 
 
 That staid upon the guard that night, 
 
 And one of those h' had seen and felt, 
 
 The drubs he had so freely dealt. 
 When, after a short pause and groan, The doleful spirit thus went on : 
 This 'tis t' engage with dogs and bears, 
 
 Pell-mell together by the ears, 
 And, after painful bangs and knocks, To lie in limbo in the stocks ; 
 And from the pinnacle of glory Fall headlong into purgatory. 
 
 N: 
 
HO HUDTBRAS. PART III. 
 
 (Thought he, this deviPs full of malice, That on my late disasters rallies) 
 Condemned to whipping, but declined it, By being mere heroic-minded ; 
 And at a riding handled worse, With treats more slovenly and coarse ; 
 Engaged with fiends in stubborn wars, And hot disputes with conjurers ; 
 
 And, when th' hadst bravely won the day, 
 
 Wast fain to steal thyself away. 
 
 (I see, thought he, this shameless elf 
 
 Would fain steal me too from myself, 
 That impudently dares to own What I have suffered for and do) 
 
 And now, but venturing to betray, 
 
 Hast met with vengeance the same way. 
 Thought he, How does the devil know 
 
 What 'twas that I designed to do ? 
 His office of intelligence, His oracles, are ceas'd long since ; 
 
 And he knows nothing of the saint, 
 
 But what some treacherous spy acquaints. 
 
 This is some pettifogging fiend, 
 
 Some under door-keeper's friend's friend, 
 That undertakes to understand, And juggles at the second hand : 
 
 And now would pass for spirit Po, 
 
 And all mens dark concerns foreknow. 
 I think I need not fear him fort ; These rallying devils do no hurt. 
 With that he rous'd his drooping heart, And hastily cry'd out, What art ? 
 
 A wretch (quoth he) whom want of grace 
 
 Has brought to this unhappy place. 
 I do believe thee, quoth the Knight : 
 
 Thus far I'm sure th' art in the right ; 
 
 And know what 'tis that troubles thee, 
 
 Better than thou hast guess'd of me. 
 
 Thou art some paultry black-guard spright, 
 
 Condemn'd to drudg'ry in the night ; 
 Thou hast no work to do in th' house, Nor halfpenny to drop in shoes : 
 Without the raising of which sum, You dare not be so troublesome ; 
 To pinch the slatterns black and blue, For leaving you their work to do. 
 
 This is your business, good Pug Robin, 
 
 And your diversion, dull dry bobbing ; 
 
 T' entice fanatics in the dirt, And wash 'em clean in ditches fort. 
 
 Of which conceit you are so proud, At ev'ry jest you laugh aloud, 
 
 As now you would have done by me, But that I barr'd your raillery. 
 
 Sir (quoth the voice), Y' are no such Sophi 
 
 As you would have the world judge of ye, 
 
 If you design to weigh our talents, 
 
 P th' standard of your own false balance; 
 Or think it possible to know Us ghosts, as well as we do you : 
 
 We who have been the everlasting 
 
 Companions of your drubs and basting, 
 And never left you in contest, With male or female, man or beast, 
 But proved as true t' ye, and entire, In all adventures, as your Squire. 
 Quoth he, That may be said as true 
 
 By th' idlest pug of all your crew : 
 
CANTO i. HUDIBRAS. hi 
 
 For none could have betrayed us worse 
 
 Than those allies of ours and yours. 
 But I have sent him for a token To your low-country Hogen-mogen, 
 To whose infernal shores I hope He'll swing, like skippers in a rope. 
 And if y' have been more just to me (As I am apt to think) than he, 
 I am afraid it is as true, What th' ill affected say of you, 
 
 Y' have 'spous'd the covenant and cause, By holding up your cloven paws. 
 Sir, quoth the voice, 'Tis true I grant, 
 
 We made and took the covenant : 
 But that no more concerns the cause, Than other perjuries do the laws, 
 
 Which when they're prov'd in open court, 
 
 Wear wooden peccadillo's fort. 
 
 And that's the reason cov'nanters 
 
 Hold up their hands, like rogues at bars. 
 I see, quoth Hudibras, from whence 
 
 These scandals of the saints commence, 
 That are but natural effects Of Satan's malice, and his sects, 
 
 /Those spider saints, that hang by threads 
 Spun out o' th' entrails of their heads. 
 Sir, quoth the voice, That may as true 
 
 And properly be said of you ; 
 
 Whose talents may compare with either, 
 
 Or both the other put together. 
 For all the Independents do Is only what you forc'd 'em to. 
 
 You, who are not content alone With tricks to put the devil down, 
 
 But must have armies rais'd to back The gospel work you undertake ; 
 As if artillery, and edge-tools, Were th' only engines to save souls. 
 
 While he, poor devil, has no pow'r By force to run down and devour ; 
 
 Has ne'er a classis, cannot sentence 
 
 To stools, or poundage of repentance ; 
 Is ty'd up only to design, T' entice, and tempt, and undermine : 
 
 In which you all his arts out-do, And prove yourself his betters too. 
 Hence 'tis possessions do less evil Than mere temptations of the devil, 
 Which all the horrid'st actions done Are charg'd in courts of law upon ; 
 Because, unless they help the elf, He can do little of himself : 
 
 And therefore where he's best possess'd, Acts most against his interest ; 
 
 Surprises none but those wh' have priests 
 
 To turn him out, and exorcists, 
 Supply'd with spiritual provision, And magazines of ammunition : 
 
 With crosses, relics, crucifixes, Beads, pictures, rosaries, and pixes : 
 The tools of working out salvation By mere mechanic operation, 
 
 With holy water, like a sluice, To overflow all avenues. 
 
 But those wh' are utterly unarm'd, T' oppose his entrance if he storm'd, 
 He never offers to surprize, Although his falsest enemies ; 
 
 But is content to be their drudge, And on their errands glad to trudge : 
 For where are all your forfeitures Entrusted in safe hands, but ours ? 
 Who are but jailors of the holes And dungeons where you clap up souls : 
 Like under keepers, turn the keys, T' your mittimus anathemas : 
 
 And never boggle to restore The members you deliver o'er, 
 
 Upon demand, with fairer Justice Than all your covenanting trustees : 
 Unless, to punish them the worse, You put them in the secular powers, 
 
112 HUDIBRAS. PART m . 
 
 And pass their souls, as some demise 
 
 The same estate in mortgage twice : 
 When to a legal utlegation You turn your excommunication, 
 
 And, for a groat unpaid that's due, Distrain on soul and body tooT* 
 
 Thought he, ; Tis no mean part of civil 
 
 State prudence to cajole the devil, 
 And not to handle him too rough, When h' has us in his cloven hoof. 
 'Tis true, quoth he, that intercourse 
 
 Has pass'd between your friends and ours ; 
 That, as you trust us, in our way, To raise your members and to lay, 
 
 We send you others of our own, 
 
 Denounc'd to hang themselves, or drown, 
 Or, frighted with our oratory, To leap down headlong many a story ; 
 Have us'd all means to propagate Your mighty interests of state' 
 
 Laid out our spiritual gifts no further 
 
 Your great designs of rage and murder : 
 
 For if the saints are nam'd from blood, 
 
 We on? have made that title good ; 
 And, if it were but in our power, We should not scruple to do more 
 And not be half a soul behind Of all dissenters of mankind! 
 
 Right, quoth the voice, and, as I scorn To be ungrateful, in return 
 Of all those kind good offices, HI free you out of this distress 
 
 And set you down in safety, where It is no time to tell you here/ 
 
 The cock crows, and the morn draws on 
 
 When 'tis decreed I must be gone ; 
 And if I leave you here till day, You'll find it hard to get away. 
 
 With that the spirit grop'd about To find the enchanted hero out', 
 
 And try'd with haste to lift him up ; 
 
 But found his forlorn hope his crup, 
 
 Unserviceable with kicks and blows, 
 
 Receiv'd from hardened hearted foes. 
 
 He thought to drag him by the heels, 
 
 Like Gresham carts, with legs for wheels ; 
 But fear, that soonest cures those sores, In danger of relapse to worse 
 Came in t' assist him with its aid, And up his sinking vessel weigh'd! 
 No sooner was he fit to trudge, But both made ready to dislodge ; 
 
 The spirit hors'd him like a sack Upon the vehicle, his back : 
 
 And bore him headlong into th' hall, 
 
 With some few rubs against the wall ; 
 
 Where finding out the postern locked, 
 
 And th' avenues as strongly blocked, 
 
 H' attacked the window, storm'd the glass, 
 
 And in a moment gain'd the pass ; 
 
 Thro' which he dragged the worsted soldier's 
 
 Fore-quarters out by th' head and shoulders ; 
 And cautiously began to scout To find their fellow cattle out : 
 
 Nor was it in half a minute's quest, 
 
 Ere he retrieVd the champion's beast, 
 Ty'd to a pale, instead of rack, But n'er a saddle on his back, 
 
 Nor pistols at the saddle bow, Convey'd away, the Lord knows how. 
 
CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 113 
 
 He thought it was no time to stay, And let the night to steal away ; 
 But, in a trice, advanced the Knight Upon the bare ridge, bolt upright, 
 
 And, groping out for Ralpho's jade, 
 
 He found the saddle too was stray'd, 
 And in the place a lump of soap, On which he speedily leaped up ; 
 
 And, turning to the gate the rein, He kick'd and cudgelPd on amain 
 While Hudibras, with equal haste, On both sides laid about as fast 
 And spurred as jockies use to break, Or padders to secure a neck 
 
 Where let us leave 'em for a time, 
 
 And to their churches turn our rhyme ; 
 
 To hold forth their declining state, 
 
 Which now come near an even rate. 
 
 CANTO I I.— Argument. 
 
 The saints engage in fierce contests About their carnal interests, 
 
 To share their sacrilegious preys According to their rites of grace, 
 
 Their various frenzies to reform, When Cromwell left them in a storm ; 
 
 Till, in th' effigy of Rumps, the rabble Burn all the grandees of the cabah 
 
 The learned write, an insect breeze 
 
 Is but a mongrel prince of bees, 
 
 That falls before a storm on cows, 
 
 And stings the founders of his house ; 
 From whose corrupted flesh that breed Of vermin did at first proceed, 
 So, ere the storm of war broke out, Religion spawn'd a various rout 
 Of petulant capricious sects, The maggots of corrupted texts, 
 
 That first run all religion down, And after every swarm its own. 
 
 For, as the Persian Magi once Upon their mothers got their sons, 
 
 That were incapable t' enjoy That empire any other way ; 
 
 So Presbyter begot the other Upon the Good Old Cause, his mother, 
 
 Then bore them like the devil's dam, 
 
 Whose son and husband are the same. 
 And yet no nat'ral tie of blood, Nor int'rest for the common good, 
 
 Could, when their profits interfered, Get quarter for each other's beard. 
 
 For when they thriv'd they never fadg^d, 
 
 But only by the ears engaged ; 
 
 Like dogs that snarl about a bone, 
 
 And play together when they've none ; 
 
 As by their truest characters, 
 
 Their constant actions, plainly appears. 
 Rebellion now began, for lack Of zeal and plunder, to grow slack ; 
 
 The cause and covenant to lessen, And providence to be out of season ; 
 
 For now there was no more to purchase 
 
 O' th' King's revenue, and the churches, 
 But all divided, shar'd, and gone, That us'd to urge the brethren on. 
 
 Which forc'd the stubborn'st, for the cause, 
 
 To cross the cudgels to the laws, 
 
 That what by breaking them th' had gain'd 
 
 By their support might be maintain'd ; 
 
 8 
 
114 HUDIBRAS. part ni. 
 
 Like thieves, that in a hemp-plot lie, Secured against the hue and cry, 
 
 For Presbyter and Independent 
 
 Were now turned plaintiff and defendant ; 
 Laid out their apostolic functions On carnal orders and injunctions ; 
 
 And all their precious gifts and graces 
 
 On outlawries and scire facias. 
 
 At Michael's term had many a trial, 
 
 Worse than the Dragon and St. Michael, 
 
 Where thousands fell, in shape of fees, 
 
 Into the bottomless abyss. 
 
 For, when, like brethren, and like friends, 
 
 They came to share their dividends, 
 And every partner to possess His church and state joint-purchases, 
 In which the ablest saint, and best, Was nam'd in trust by all the rest 
 To pay their money, and, instead Of every brother, pass the deed ; 
 He straight converted all his gifts To pious frauds and holy shifts ;\l 
 And settled all the other shares Upon his outward man and heirs ; 
 Held all they claim' d as forfeit lands, Delivered up into his hands, 
 
 And pass'd upon his conscience, By pre-entail of providence ; 
 
 Impeach'd the rest for reprobates, That had no titles to estates, 
 
 But by their spiritual attaints Degraded from the right of saints. 
 
 This b'ing reveal'd, they now begun 
 
 With law and conscience to fall on : 
 
 And laid about as hot and brain-sick 
 
 As th' utter barrister of Swanswick ; 
 Engaged with money-bags, as bold As men with sand-bags did of old ; 
 That brought the lawyers in more fees Than all unsanctified trustees ; 
 Till he who had no more to show V th' case, received the overthrow ; 
 Or, both sides having had the worst, They parted as they met at first. 
 
 Poor Presbyter was now reduced, 
 ^ Secluded, and cashier'd, and chous'd ; 
 Turn'd out, and excommunicate From all affairs of church and state ; 
 Refomfd t' a reformado saint, And glad to turn itinerant, 
 
 To stroll and teach from town to town, 
 
 And those he had taught up teach down, 
 And make those uses serve again, Against the new enlightened men, 
 As fit as when at first they were Reveal'd against the Cavalier ; 
 
 Damn Anabaptist and Fanatic, As pat as Popish and Prelatic ; 
 
 And, with as little variation, To serve for any sect i' th' nation. 
 
 The good old cause, which some believe 
 
 To be the devil that tempted Eve 
 
 With knowledge, and does still invite 
 
 The world to mischief with new light, 
 
 Had store of money in her purse, 
 
 When he took her for better or worse ; 
 
 But now was grown deform'd and poor, 
 
 And fit to be turn'd out of door. 
 
 ^vThe Independents (whose first station 
 
 Was in the rear of reformation, 
 
 A mongrel kind of church dragoons, 
 
 That serv'd for horse and foot at once ; 
 
CANTO IT. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 115 
 
 And in the saddle of one steed The Saracen and Christian rid ; 
 
 Were free of every spiritual order, 
 
 To preach, and fight, and pray, and murder :) 
 No sooner got the start to lurch Both disciplines, of war and church, 
 And providence enough to run The chief commanders of them down, 
 But carry'd on the war against The common enemy o' th' Saints ; 
 
 And in a while prevailed so far, To win of them the game of war, 
 
 And be at liberty once more T' attack themselves as th' had before. 
 For now there was no foe in arms, 
 
 T' unite their factions with alarms, 
 But all reduced and overcome, Except their worst, themselves at home : 
 
 Wh' had compassed all th' pray'd, and swore, 
 
 And fought, and preach'd, and plundered for, 
 
 Subdued the nation, church and state, 
 
 And all things but their laws and hate. 
 
 But when they came to treat and transact, 
 
 And share the spoil of all th' had ransacked, 
 To botch up what th' had torn and rent, Religion and the government, 
 They met no sooner, but prepared To pull down all the war had spar'd; 
 "\ Agreed in nothing, but t' abolish Subvert, extirpate, and demolish ; 
 
 For knaves and fools b'ing near of kin, 
 
 As Dutch boors are t' a sooterkin, 
 Both parties joined to do their best, To damn the public interest ; 
 
 And herded only in consults, To put by one another's bolts ; 
 
 T' out-cant the Babylonian labourers, At all their dialects of jabberers, 
 And tug at both ends of the saw, To tear down government and law. 
 For as two cheats, that play one game, Are both defeated of their aim; 
 ' /£>o those who play a game of state, And only cavil in debate, 
 
 Although there's nothing lost nor won, The public business is undone, 
 Which still the longer 'tis in doing, Becomes the surer way to ruin. 
 This, when the Royalists perceiv'd, 
 
 (Who to their faith as firmly cleav'd, 
 
 And own'd the right they had paid down 
 
 So dearly for, the church and crown,) 
 Th ? united constanter, and sided The more, the more their foes divided. 
 j For though outnumber'd, overthrown, And by the fate of war run down, 
 
 Their duty never was defeated, 
 
 Nor from their oaths and faith retreated : 
 For loyalty is still the same Whether it win or lose the game ; 
 
 True as the dial to the sun, Although it be not shin'd upon. 
 
 But when these brethren in evil, Their adversaries and the devil, 
 
 Began once more, to show them play, 
 
 And hopes, at least, to have a day ; 
 They rally'd in parades of woods, And unfrequented solitudes : 
 
 r>^ Conven'd at midnight in out-houses, 
 
 T' appoint new rising rendezvouses, 
 And, with a pertinacity unmatched, For new recruits of danger watch'd. 
 No sooner was one blow diverted, But up another party started, 
 
 1 And as if nature too in haste, To furnish our supplies as fast, 
 
 Before her time had turn'd destruction 
 
 T' a new and numerous production, 
 
 8—2 
 
Il6 HUDIBRAS. PART m. 
 
 /No sooner those were overcome, But up rose others in their room, 
 
 That, like the Christian faith, increas'd 
 The more, the more they were suppressed : 
 Whom neither chains, nor transportation, 
 
 Proscription, sale, nor confiscation, 
 f Nor all the desperate events Of former try'd experiments. 
 
 Nor wounds could terrify, nor mangling, 
 
 To leave off loyalty and dangling, 
 
 Nor death (with all his bones) affright 
 
 From venturing to maintain the right ; 
 From staking life and fortune down 'Gainst all together, for the crown: 
 But kept the title of their cause From forfeiture, like claims in laws : 
 And prov'd no prosp'rous usurpation Can ever settle on the nation : 
 Until in spite of force and treason, They put their loyalty in possession; 
 And by their constancy and faith, Destroyed the mighty men of Gath. 
 
 Toss'd in a furious hurricane, Did Oliver give up his reign fV 
 
 And was belie v'd as well by saints, As mortal men and miscreants, 
 To founder in the Stygian ferry, Until he was retrieved by Sterry, 
 
 Who in a false erroneous dream Mistook the new Jerusalem, 
 
 Profanely for th' apocryphal False heaven at the end o' th' hall ; 
 
 Whither it was decreed by fate His precious reliques to translate. 
 
 So Romulus was seen before B' as orthodox a senator ; 
 
 From whose divine illumination He stole the Pagan revelation. 
 
 Next him his son and heir apparent 
 
 Succeeded, though a lame vicegerent ; 
 Who first laid by the parliament, The only crutch on which he leant ; 
 
 And then sunk underneath the state 
 
 That rode him above horseman's weight. 
 And now the saints began their reign, 
 
 For which th' had yearn' d so long in vain, 
 And felt such bowel-hankerings To see an empire all of kings, 
 
 Deliver'd from th' Egyptian awe Of justice, government and law, 
 
 And free t' erect what spiritual cantons, 
 
 Should be reveal'd, or gospel Hanse-towns, 
 To edify upon the ruins Of John of Leyden's outgoings ; 
 
 Who, for a weather-cock hung up, Upon their mother church's top ; 
 Was made a type by providence, Of all their revelations since ; 
 
 And now fulfiird by his successors, 
 
 Who equally mistook their measures ; 
 
 For, when they came to shape the model, 
 
 Not one could fit another's noddle ; 
 
 But found their lights and gifts more wide, 
 
 From fadging, than th' unsanctify'd : 
 While every individual brother Strove hand to fist against another, 
 
 And still the maddest, and most crack'd, 
 
 Were found the busiest to transact ; 
 
 For though most hands dispatch apace, 
 
 And make light work (the proverb says), 
 .Yet many different intellects Are found t' have contrary effects ; 
 
 V And many heads t' obstruct intrigues, 
 
 As slowest insects have most lesrs. 
 
 
s 
 
 : 
 
 HUDIBRAS. 117 
 
 Some were for setting up a king, But all the rest for no such thing, 
 
 Unless King Jesus : others tampered 
 
 For Fleetwood, Desborough, and Lambert ; 
 
 Some for the Rump, and some more crafty, 
 
 For agitators, and the safety ; 
 Some for the gospel, and massacres Of spiritual affidavit-makers, 
 
 That swore to any human regence, Oaths of supremacy and allegiance; 
 
 Yea, though the ablest swearing saint, 
 
 That vouched the bulls o' th' covenant : 
 
 Others for pulling down th' high-places 
 
 Of synods and provincial classes, 
 
 That us'd to make such hostile inroads 
 
 Upon the saints, like bloody Nimrods : 
 Some for fulfilling prophecies, And th' extirpation of th' excise ; 
 
 And some against th' Egyptian bondage 
 
 Of holidays, and paying poundage : 
 Some for the cutting down of groves, And rectifying baker's loaves ; 
 And some for finding out expedients Against the slavery of obedience. 
 Some were for gospel ministers, And some for red-coat seculars, 
 
 As men most fit t' hold forth the word, 
 
 And weild the one and t'other sword. 
 
 Some were for carrying on the work 
 
 Against the Pope, and some the Turk ; 
 Some for engaging to suppress The camisado of surplices, 
 
 That gifts and dispensations hinder'd, 
 
 And turn'd to th ; outward man the inward ; 
 More proper for the cloudy night Of Popery, than gospel light. 
 
 Others were for abolishing That tool of matrimony, a ring. 
 
 With which th' unsanctify'd bridegroom Is marry' d only to a thumb ; 
 (As wise as ringing of a pig, That us'd to break up ground, and dig) 
 The bride to nothing but her will, That nulls the after marriage still. 
 
 rSome were for th' utter extirpation Of linsey-woolsey in the nation; 
 And some against all idolising The cross in shop-books, or baptising : 
 Others, to make all things recant The christian, or sirname of saint ; 
 And force all churches, streets, and towns, The holy title to renounce. 
 /-Some 'gainst a third estate of souls, 
 And bringing down the price of coals : 
 Some for abolishing black-pudding, 
 And eating nothing with the blood in ; 
 To abrogate them roots and branches : 
 While others were for eating haunches 
 Of warriors, and now and then The flesh of kings and mighty men ; 
 oAnd some for breaking of their bones 
 With rods of ir'n, by secret ones : 
 For thrashing mountains, and with spells 
 For hallowing carriers packs and bells ; 
 Things that the legend never heard of, 
 But made the wicked sore afeard of. 
 The quacks of government (who sat At th' unregarded helm of state, 
 And understood this wild confusion Of fatal madness, and delusion, 
 Must, sooner than a prodigy, Portend destruction to be nigh) 
 
1 1 8 HUDIBRAS. PART in. 
 
 Considered timely, how t' withdraw, 
 And save their windpipes from the law ; 
 For one rencounter at the bar, 
 Was worse than all th' had 'scap'd in war : 
 /'And therefore met in consultation To cant and quack upon the nation; 
 [ Not for the sickly patient's sake, Nor what to give, but what to take : 
 To feel the purses of their fees, More wise than fumbling arteries ; 
 
 Prolong the snuff of life in pain, And from the grave recover — gain. 
 'Mong these there was a politician, 
 With more heads than a beast in vision, 
 And more intrigues in every one Than all the whores of Babylon : 
 So politic, as if one eye Upon the other were a spy, 
 
 That, to trepan the one to think The other blind, both strove to blink: 
 And in his dark pragmatic way As busy as a child at play. 
 
 rH' had seen three governments run down, 
 And had a hand in every one : 
 Was for 'em and against 'em all, But barb'rous when they came to fall : 
 
 For, by trepanning th' old to ruin, 
 
 He made his interest with the new one ; 
 
 Play'd true and faithful, though against 
 
 His conscience, and was still advanced. 
 
 For by the witchcraft of rebellion 
 
 Transformed t' a feeble state-camelion, 
 • By giving aim from side to side, He never fail'd to save his tide, 
 
 But got the start of every state, And, at a change, ne'er came too late; 
 Could turn his word, and oath and faith, As many ways as in a lathe : 
 By turning, wriggle, like a screw, Int' highest trust, and out, for new. 
 For when h' had happily incurred, Instead of hemp to be preferred, 
 
 And pass'd upon a government, He play'd his trick, and out he went: 
 But being out, and out of hopes To mount his ladder (more) of ropes ; 
 Would strive to raise himself upon The public ruin and his own, 
 
 So little did he understand The desp'rat'st feats he took in hand, 
 
 -For, when h' had got himself a name 
 
 For fraud and tricks, he spoil'd his game ; 
 Had forc'd his neck into a noose, To shew his play at fast and loose ; 
 
 And, when, he chanc'd t' escape, mistook, 
 
 For art and subtlety, his luck. 
 So right his judgment was cut fit, And made a tally to his wit, 
 
 And both together most profound 
 
 At deeds of darkness under ground : 
 As th' earth is easiest undermin'd By vermin impotent and blind. 
 
 By all these arts and many more, 
 
 H' had practis'd long and much before, 
 Our state-artificer foresaw Which way the world began to draw. 
 
 /For as old sinners have all points 
 1 O' th' compass in their bones and joints ; 
 Can by their pangs and aches find All turns and changes of the wind, 
 
 And, better than by Napier's bones, 
 
 Feel in their own the age of moons : 
 So guilty sinners in a state Can by their crimes prognosticate; 
 
 And in their consciences feel pain Some days before a shower of rai: 
 
 -e, 
 
canto II. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 II 9 
 
 \ He therefore wisely cast about 
 
 All ways he could, t' insure his throat ; 
 
 And hither came t' observe and smoke 
 
 What courses other riskers took ; 
 And to the utmost do his best To save himself, and hang the rest. 
 
 To match this saint, there was another, 
 
 As busy and perverse a brother, 
 An haberdasher of small wares, In politics and state-affairs : 
 
 More Jew than Rabbi Achitophel, And better gifted to rebel : 
 
 For, when h' had taught his tribe to 'spouse 
 
 The cause, aloft, upon one house, 
 He scorn'd to set his own in order, But try'd another, and went further : 
 So suddenly addicted still To's only principle, his will, 
 
 That, whatsoe'er it chanc'd to prove, No force of argument could move ; 
 
 Nor law, nor cavalcade of Holburn, 
 
 Could render half a grain less stubborn ; 
 /iFor he at any time would hang, For th' opportunity t' harrangue, 
 
 / And rather on a gibbet dangle, Than miss his dear delight, to wrangle ; 
 
 In which his parts were so accomplished, 
 
 That right or wrong he ne'er was non-plus'd ; 
 
 But still his tongue ran on, the less 
 
 Of weight it bore, with greater ease ; 
 And, with his everlasting clack, Set all miens ears upon the rack. 
 
 No sooner could a hint appear, But up he started to picqueer, 
 
 And made the stoutest yield to mercy, 
 
 When he engaged in controversy ; 
 Not by the force of carnal reason, But indefatigable teazing ; 
 
 With vollies of eternal babble, And clamour more unanswerable. 
 
 For though his topics, frail and weak, 
 
 Could ne'er amount above a freak, 
 He still maintain'd 'em, like his faults, Against the desp'ratest assaults ; 
 
 And back'd their feeble want of sense, 
 
 With greater heat and confidence : 
 
 As bones of Hectors, when they differ, 
 
 The more they're cudgel'd, grow the stiffen 
 Yet when his profit moderated, The fury of his heat abated : 
 
 For nothing but his interest Could lay his devil of contest. 
 
 It was his choice, or chance, or curse, 
 \T' espouse the cause for better or worse, 
 And with his worldly goods and wit, And soul and body, worshipp'd it ; 
 
 But when he found the sullen traps, 
 
 Possess'd with th' devil, worms, and claps ; 
 The Trojan mare in foal with Greeks, Not half so full of jadish tricks, 
 
 Though squeamish in her outward woman, 
 
 As loose and rampant as Dol Common : 
 
 He still resolv'd to mend the matter, 
 
 T' adhere and cleave the obstinater : 
 
 /sAnd still the skittisher and looser Her freaks appear'd, to sit the closer. 
 
 1 For fools are stubborn in their way, As coins are harden'd by th' allay : 
 
 And obstinacy's ne'er so stiff, As when 'tis in a wrong belief. 
 
 These two, with others, being met, And close in consultation set ; 
 
120 HUDIBRAS. part in. 
 
 After a discontented pause, And not without sufficient cause, 
 
 The orator we nam'd of late, Less troubled with the pangs of state, 
 Than with his own impatience, To give himself first audience, 
 
 After he had for a while looked wise, At last broke silence and the ice. 
 Quoth he, There's nothing makes me doubt 
 /Our last out-goings brought about, 
 More than to see the characters Of real jealousies and fears 
 
 Not feign'd, as once, but sadly horrid, 
 
 Scored upon every member's forehead : 
 
 Wh,o, 'cause the clouds are drawn together, 
 
 And threaten sudden change of weather, 
 Feel pangs and aches of state-turns, And revolutions in their corns : 
 
 And, since our workings-out are cross'd, 
 
 Throw up the cause before 'tis lost. 
 Was it to run away, we meant, When, taking of the covenant, 
 
 The lamest cripples of the brothers Took oaths to run before all others : 
 But in their own sense only swore To strive to run away before ; 
 
 And now would prove, with words and oath 
 
 Engage us to renounce them both ? 
 'Tis true, the cause is in the lurch, Between a right and mongrel church : 
 
 The Presbyter and Independent, 
 
 That stickle which shall make an end on't, 
 As 'twas made out to us the last Expedient, — (I mean Marg'ret's fast) 
 When providence had been suborn'd, What answer was to be return'd. 
 
 Else why should tumults fright us now, 
 
 We have so many times gone through ? 
 
 And understand as well to tame, 
 
 As, when they serve our turns, t' inflame. 
 Have proved how inconsiderable Are all engagements of the rabble, 
 Whose frenzies must be reconcil'd, With drums, and rattles, like a child ; 
 But never prov'd so prosperous, As when they were led on by us : 
 
 For all our scouring of religion Began with tumults and sedition : 
 
 When hurricanes of fierce commotion 
 
 Became strong motives to devotion : y/ ^ 
 
 (As carnal seamen, in a storm, Turn pious converts, and reform) 
 
 When rusty weapons, with chalk'd edges, 
 
 IMaintain'd our feeble privileges, 
 
 And brown bills, levy'd in the city, 
 
 Made bills to pass the grand committee : 
 
 When zeal, with aged clubs and gleaves, 
 
 Gave chace to rochets and white-sleeves, 
 
 And made the church, and state, and laws, 
 
 Submit t' old iron, and the cause : 
 And as we thriv'd by tumults then, So might we better now again, 
 
 If we know how, as then we did, To use them rightly in our need. 
 
 Tumults, by which the mutinous Betray themselves instead of us ; 
 
 The hollow-hearted, disaffected, And close malignant are detected : 
 
 Who lay their lives and fortunes down, 
 
 For pledges to secure our own ; 
 And freely sacrifice their ears T' appease our jealousies and fears. 
 
 And yet for all these providences W' are offer'd, if we had our senses, 
 
CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 121 
 
 We idly sit like stupid blockheads, Our hands committed to our pockets ; 
 And nothing but our tongues at large, To get the wretches a discharge. 
 Like men condemned to thunder-bolts, 
 Who, ere the blow, become mere dolts ; 
 Or fools besotted with their crimes, That know not how to shift betimes ; 
 And neither have the hearts to stay, Nor wit enough to run away : 
 
 Who, if we could resolve on either, Might stand or fall at least together ; 
 No mean nor trivial solace To partners in extreme distress ; 
 
 Who use to lessen their despairs By parting them int' equal shares ; 
 As if the more they were to bear, They felt the weight the easier : 
 
 And every one the gentler hung The more he took his turn among, 
 But 'tis not come to that, as yet, If we had courage left, or wit : 
 
 Who, when our fate can be no worse, Are fitted for the bravest course ; 
 Have time to rally, and prepare Our last and best defence, despair : 
 
 Despair, by which the gallant'st feats 
 Have been atchiev'd in greatest straits, 
 And horrid'st dangers safely wav'd, By being courageously out-brav'd ; 
 *As wounds by wider wounds are heal'd, 
 
 And poisons by themselves expelFd : 
 And so they might be now again, If we were, what we should be, men ; 
 And not so dully desperate To side against ourselves with fate. 
 
 As criminals condemned to suffer, 
 
 Are blinded first, and then turned over. 
 This comes of breaking covenants, And setting up exauns of saints, 
 That fine, like aldermen, for grace, To be excused the emcace. 
 
 For spiritual men are too transcendent, 
 
 That mount their banks for independent, 
 To hang like Mahomet, in the air, Or St. Ignatius, at his prayer, 
 
 By pure geometry, and hate Dependence upon church or state : 
 
 Disdain the pedantry o J th J letter, And since obedience is better 
 
 (The scripture says) than sacrifice, Presume the less on't will suffice, 
 
 And scorn to have the moderat'st stints, 
 
 Prescribed their peremptory hints, 
 Or any opinion, true or false, Declared as such, in doctrinals : 
 
 But left at large to make their best on, 
 
 Without being calFd t' accounts or question. 
 Interpret all the spleen reveals, As Whittington explained the bells ;\. 
 And bid themselves turn back again Lord Mayors of New Jerusalem : 
 But look so big and overgrown, They scorn their edifiers t* own, 
 
 Who taught them all their sprinkling lessons, 
 
 Their tones and sanctified expressions ; 
 Bestowed their gifts upon a saint, Like charity on those 
 
 And learn'd th ? apocryphal bigots 
 
 T ; inspire themselves with short-hand notes ; 
 
 For which they scorn and hate them worse, 
 
 Than dogs and cats do sow-gelders. 
 
 For who first bred them up to pray, 
 
 And teach the House of Commons' way ; 
 
 Where they had all their gifted phrases, 
 
 But from our Calamies and Cases ? 
 
122 HUDIBRAS. PART ill. 
 
 Without whose sprinkling and sowing, 
 
 Who e'er had heard of Nye or Owen ? 
 Their dispensations had been stifled, But for our Adoniram Byfield ; 
 
 And, had they not begun the war, 
 
 Th' had ne'er been sainted as they are : 
 For saints in peace degenerate, And dwindle down to reprobate ; 
 
 Their zeal corrupts, like standing water, 
 
 In th' intervals of war and slaughter ; 
 Abates the sharpness of its edge, Without the power of sacrilege : 
 
 And though they've tricks to cast their sins, 
 
 As easy as serpents do their skins, 
 That in a while grow out again, In peace they turn mere carnal men, 
 And from the most refined of saints As naturally grow miscreants: 
 As barnacles turn Soland geese In th' islands of the Orcades. 
 
 Their dispensation's but a ticket, For their conforming to the wicked, 
 
 With whom the greatest difference 
 
 Lies more in words and shew than sense : 
 
 For as the Pope, that keeps the gate 
 
 Of heaven, wears three crowns of state ; 
 \ . So he that keeps the gate of hell, 
 ^ JProud Cerberus, wears three heads as well ; 
 And if the world has any troth, Some have been canoniz'd in both. 
 
 But that which does them greatest harm, 
 
 Their spiritual gizzards are too warm, 
 Which puts the over-heated sots In fever still like other goats ; 
 
 For though the whore bends heretics, 
 
 With flames of fire, like crooked sticks, 
 
 Our schismatics so vastly differ, 
 \Th' hotter they are, they grow the stiffer ; 
 Still setting off their spiritual goods With fierce and pertinacious feuds, 
 For zeal's a dreadful termagant, That teaches saints to tear and rant, 
 And Independents to profess The doctrine of dependencies ; 
 
 Turns meek and secret sneaking ones 
 
 To Raw-heads fierce and Bloody-bones ; 
 
 And not content with endless quarrels 
 
 Against the wicked, and their morals, 
 
 \The Gibellines, for want of Guelfs, Divert their rage upon themselves. 
 
 For, now the war is not between The brethren and the men of sin, 
 
 But saint and saint to spill the blood Of one another's brotherhood, 
 
 Where neither side can lay pretence To liberty of conscience, 
 
 Or zealous suffering for the cause, 
 
 To gain one groat's worth of applause : 
 
 For, though endur'd with resolution, 
 
 ? Twill ne'er amount to persecution : 
 
 Shall precious saints and secret ones, 
 
 Break one another's outward bones, 
 And eat the flesh of brethren, Instead of kings and mighty men ; 
 
 When fiends agree among themselves, 
 
 Shall they be found the greater elves ? 
 
 When Bell's at union with the Dragon, 
 
 And Baal-Peor friends with Da^on ; 
 
CANTO ii. HUDIBRAS. 123 
 
 AWhen savage bears agree with bears, 
 
 Shall secret ones lug saints by th' ears, 
 
 And not atone their fatal wrath, 
 
 When common danger threatens both ? 
 
 Shall mastiffs, by the collars pulPd, 
 
 Engaged with bulls, let go their hold, 
 
 And saints, whose necks are pawned at stake, 
 
 No notice of the danger take ? 
 But though no power of heaven or hell Can pacify fanatic zeal, 
 
 Who would not guess there might be hopes, 
 
 The fear of gallowses and ropes 
 Before their eyes, might reconcile Their animosities a while, 
 
 At least until th' had a clear stage, And equal freedom to engage, 
 
 Without the danger of surprise By both our common enemies ? 
 
 This none but we alone could doubt, 
 
 Who understand their workings out, 
 
 And know 'em, both in soul and conscience, 
 
 Giv'n up t' as reprobate a nonsense 
 f\As spiritual outlaws, whom the power Of miracle can ne'er restore. 
 We whom at first they set up under, In revelation only of plunder, 
 
 Who since have had so many trials Of their encroaching self denials. 
 That rook'd upon us with design To out-reform, and undermine : 
 
 Took all our interests and commands Perfidiously out of our hands ; 
 Involved us in the guilt of blood, Without the motive-gains allow'd, 
 And made us serve as ministerial, Like younger sons of father Belial. 
 
 And yet for all th' inhuman wrong, 
 
 Th' had done us, and the cause so long, 
 We never fail'd to carry on The work still, as we had begun ; 
 
 But true and faithfully obey'd, 
 
 And neither preach' d them hurt, nor pray'd ; 
 ANor troubled them to crop our ears, Nor hang us like the cavaliers ; 
 
 Nor put them to the charge of gaols, 
 
 To find us pillories and cart's-tails, 
 
 Or hangman's wages, which the state 
 
 Was forc'd (before them) to be at ; 
 That cut, like tallies to the stumps, Our ears for keeping true accompts, 
 And burnt our vessels, like a new Seal'd peck, or bushel, for being true ; 
 
 But hand in hand, like faithful brothers, 
 
 Held for the cause against all others, 
 Disdaining equally to yield One syllable of what we held. 
 
 And though we differed now and then 
 
 'Bout outward things, and outward men, 
 Our inward men, and constant frame Of spirit, still were near the same. 
 And till they first began to cant, And sprinkle down the covenant, 
 
 We ne'er had call in any place, 
 
 Nor dream'd of teaching down free grace ; 
 But join'd our gifts perpetually Against the common enemy. 
 
 Although 'twas ours and their opinion, 
 
 Each other's church was but a Rimmon : 
 
 And yet for all this gospel union, 
 
 And outward shew of church-communion, 
 
124. HUD I BR AS. part hi. 
 
 They'd ne'er admit us to our shares Of ruling church or state affairs ; 
 
 Nor give us leave t' absolve, or sentence 
 
 T' our own conditions of repentance ; 
 
 But shar'd our dividend o' the crown, 
 
 We had so painfully preach'd down ; 
 
 And forc'd us, though against the grain, 
 
 T' have calls to teach it up again : 
 For 'twas but justice to restore The wrongs we had received before ; 
 
 And, when 'twas held forth in our way, 
 
 W had been ungrateful not to pay : 
 
 Who, for the right w' have done the nation, 
 
 Have earned our temporal salvation, 
 And put our vessels in a way Once more to come again in play. 
 
 For if the turning of us out Has brought this providence about ; 
 
 And that our only suffering Is able to bring in the King : 
 
 What would our actions not have done, Had we been suffered to go on ? 
 And therefore may pretend t' a share, At least in carrying on the affair. 
 
 But whether that be so or not, 
 
 W' have done enough to have it thought ; 
 
 And that's as good as if w' had done't, And easier pass'd upon account: 
 
 For, if it be but half deny'd, 'Tis half as good as justify'd. 
 
 y^The world is naturally averse To all the truth it sees or hears, 
 
 But swallows nonsense, and a lie, With greediness and gluttony; 
 
 And though it have the pique, and long, 
 
 'Tis still for something in the wrong ; 
 
 As women long, when they're with child, 
 
 For things extravagant and wild ; 
 
 For meats ridiculous and fulsome, 
 
 But seldom anything that's wholesome ; 
 
 And, like the world, men's jobbermoles, 
 
 Turn round upon their ears, the poles ; 
 And what they 're confidently told, By no sense else can be controll'd. 
 And this, perhaps, may prove the means 
 
 Once more to hedge in providence. 
 
 vFor as relapses makes diseases More desp'rate than their first accesses: 
 
 If we but get again in power, Our work is easier than before ; 
 
 And Ave more ready and expert I' th' mystery to do our part. 
 
 We, who did rather undertake The first war to create, than make ; 
 
 And, when of nothing 'twas begun, 
 
 Rais'd funds, as strange, to carry't on ; 
 
 Trepann'd the state, and faced it down, 
 
 With plots and projects of our own : 
 And if we did such feats at first, What can we now we're better vers'd? 
 Who have a freer latitude, Than sinners give themselves, allow'd. 
 
 And therefore likeliest to bring in, On fairest terms, our discipline, 
 To which it was reveal'd long since We were ordain'd by providence ; 
 
 When three saints ears, our predecessors, 
 
 The cause's primitive confessors, 
 Being crucify'd, the nation stood In just so many years of blood, 
 
 That, multiply'd by six, express'd The perfect number of the beast, 
 And proVd that we must be the men, To bring this work about again: 
 
canto ii. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 125 
 
 And those who laid the first foundation, 
 
 Complete the thorough reformation : 
 For who have gifts to carry on So great a work but we alone ? 
 
 What churches have such able pastors, 
 
 And precious, powerful, preaching masters ? 
 Possessed with absolute dominions O'er brethrens purses and opinions? 
 And trusted with the double keys Of heaven and their ware-houses ; 
 
 Who, when the cause is in distress, 
 
 Can furnish out what sums they please, 
 That brooding lie in bankers hands To be dispos'd at their commands, 
 And daily increase and multiply, With doctrine, use, and usury : 
 
 Can fetch in parties (as, in war, All other heads of cattle are,) 
 
 From th' enemy of all religions, As well as high and low conditions, 
 
 And share them from blue ribands down 
 
 To all blue aprons in the town : 
 
 From ladies hurried in calleches, 
 
 With cornets at their footmen's breeches ; 
 To bawds as fat as Mother Nab, All guts and belly, like a crab. 
 
 Our party's great, and better ty'd 
 
 With oaths, and trade, than any side ; 
 Has one considerable improvement, To double fortify the covenant : 
 I mean our covenant, to purchase Delinquents titles, and the churches: 
 
 That pass in sale, from hand to hand, 
 
 Among ourselves, for current land : 
 And rise and fall like Indian actions, According to the race of factions. 
 Our best reserve for reformation, When new out-goings give occasion, 
 
 That keeps the loins of brethren girt, 
 
 The covenant (their creed) t' assert ; 
 
 And when th' have pack'd a parliament, 
 
 Will once more try th' expedient ; 
 \Who can already muster friends, To serve for members to our ends, 
 That represent no part o' th' nation, But FisherVfoHy congregation ; 
 Are only tools to our intrigues, And sit like geese to hatch our eggs, 
 W 7 ho, by their presidents of wit, T' out-fast, out-loiter, and out-sit, 
 
 Can order matters under-hand, To put all business to a stand : 
 
 Lay public bills aside, for private, And make 'em one another drive out ; 
 Divert the great and necessary, With trifles to contest and vary ; 
 
 And make the nation represent, And serve for us, in parliament ; 
 
 Cut out more work than can be done In Plato's year, but finish none, 
 Unless it be the bulls of Lenthal, That always pass'd for fundamental ; 
 
 Can set up grandee against grandee, 
 
 To squander time away and brandy ; 
 Make lords and commoners lay sieges To one another's privileges ; 
 
 And, rather than compound the quarrel, 
 
 Engage, to th' inevitable peril 
 Of both their ruins, th' only scope And consolation of our hope ; 
 
 Who, though we do not play the game, Assist as much by giving aim. 
 Can introduce our ancient arts, For heads of factions, t' act their parts ; 
 Know what a leading voice is worth, A seconding, a third, or fourth ; 
 
 How much a casting voice comes to, 
 
 That turns up trump, of Ay or No ; 
 
126 HUDIBRAS. part in. 
 
 And, by adjusting all at th' end, Share every one his dividend. 
 
 An art that so much study cost, And now's in danger to be lost, 
 
 Unless our ancient virtuosos, That found it out, get into th' houses. 
 
 These are the courses that we took 
 
 To carry things by hook or crook ; 
 And practised down from forty-four ; Until they turn'd us out of door : 
 Besides the herds of boutefues, We set on work, without the house ; 
 When every knight and citizen, Kept legislative journeymen, 
 
 To bring them in intelligence, From all points of the rabble's sense ; 
 And fill the lobbies of both houses With politic important buzzes : 
 
 -Set up committees of cabals To pack designs without the walls ; 
 
 Examine, and draw up all news, And fit it to our present use ; 
 
 Agree upon the plot o' the farce, And every one his part rehearse, 
 
 Make Q's of answers, to way-lay What th' other parties like to say : 
 
 What repartees, and smart reflections, 
 
 Shall be returned to all objections : 
 
 And who shall break the master-jest, 
 
 And what, and how, upon the rest : 
 
 Help pamphlets out, with safe editions, 
 
 Of proper slanders and seditions : 
 And|treason for a token send, By letter to a country friend ; 
 
 Disperse lampoons, the only wit That men, like burglary, commit ; 
 With falser than a padder's face, That all its owner does betrays, 
 
 Who therefore dares not trust it, when He's in his calling to be seen : 
 
 Disperse the dung on barren earth, 
 
 To bring new weeds of discord forth ; 
 Be sure to keep up congregations, In spite of laws and proclamations : 
 For charlatans can do no good, Until they're mounted in a crowd ; 
 And, when they're punish'd, all the hurt Is but to fare the better fort ; 
 As long as confessors are sure Of double pay for all th' endure ; 
 
 And what they earn in persecution, 
 
 Are paid t' a groat in contribution. 
 
 When some tub-holders-forth have made 
 
 In powd'ring-tubs their richest trade ; 
 
 And, while they kept their shops in prison, 
 
 Have found their prices strangely risen : 
 
 Disdain to own the least regret, 
 ^ For all the Christian blood w' have let ; 
 'Twill save our credit, and maintain Our title to do so again ; 
 
 That needs not cost one dram of sense, But pertinacious impudence. 
 Our constancy t' our principles, In time, will wear out all things else ; 
 
 Like marble statues, rubb'd in pieces, 
 
 With gallantry of pilgrim's kisses : 
 r While those who turn and wind their oaths, 
 
 Have swell'd and sunk, like other froths ; 
 
 PrevaiFd awhile, but 'twas not long 
 
 Before from world to world they swung : 
 
 As they had turned from side to side, 
 
 And, as the changelings liv'd, they dy'd. 
 This said, th' impatient states-monger 
 
 Could now contain himself no longer ; 
 

 CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 12 J 
 
 ^Vho had not spared to shew his piques, Against th' haranguer's politics, 
 With smart remarks, of leering faces, And annotations of grimaces, 
 After he had administer'd a dose Of snuff mundungus to his nose, 
 
 And powder' d th' inside of his skull, 
 
 Instead of the outward jobbernol, 
 He shook it with a scornful look On th' adversary, and thus he spoke : 
 In dressing a calf s head, although 
 
 The tongue and brains together go, 
 
 Both keep so great a distance here, 
 
 'Tis strange, if ever they come near ; 
 For who did ever play his gambols, With such insufferable rambles ? 
 To make the bringing in the King, And keeping of him out, one thing ? 
 
 Which none could do, but those that swore 
 
 T' as point-blank nonsense heretofore ; 
 That to defend was to invade, And to assassinate, to aid : 
 
 Unless, because you drove him out, 
 
 (And that was never made a doubt) 
 No power is able to restore And bring him in, but on your score. 
 
 A spiritual doctrine that conduces Most properly to all your uses. 
 
 'Tis true, a scorpion's oil is said 
 
 To cure the wounds the vermin made ; 
 
 And weapons dress' d with salves restore 
 
 And heal the hurts they gave before : 
 But whether Presbyterians have So much good nature as the salve, 
 
 Or virtue in them as the vermin, 
 
 Those who have tried them can determine. 
 Indeed, 'tis pity you should miss Th' arrears of all your services, 
 
 And, for th' eternal obligation 
 
 Y' have laid upon the ungrateful nation, 
 Be us'd s' unconscionably hard, As not to find a just reward, 
 
 For letting rapine loose, and murther, 
 
 To rage just so far, but no further : 
 And setting all the land on fire To burn t' a scantling, but no higher : 
 For venturing to assassinate And cut the throats of church and state : 
 And not be allowed the fittest men To take the charge of both again : 
 Especially, that have the grace Of self-denying gifted face ; 
 
 Who, when your projects have miscarry'd, 
 
 Can lay them, with undaunted forehead, 
 On those you painfully trepanned, And sprinkled in at second hand ; 
 As we have been, to share the guilt Of Christian blood, devoutly spilt : 
 
 For so our ignorance was flamm'd, 
 
 To damn ourselves, to avoid being damn'd : 
 
 Till finding your old foe, the hangman, 
 
 Was like to lurch you at back-gammon, 
 And win your necks upon the set, As well as ours, who did but bet ; 
 
 (For he had drawn your ears before, 
 
 And nick'd them on the self-same score). 
 We threw the box and dice away, Before y' had lost us, at foul play ; 
 
 And brought you down to rook, and lie, 
 
 And fancy only, on the bye ; 
 Redeemed your forfeit jobbernoles. From perching upon lofty poles ; 
 
1 28 HUDIBRAS. PART in. 
 
 And rescued all your outward traitors 
 From hanging up like alligators : 
 For which ingeniously y ? have shew'd Your Presbyterian gratitude : 
 
 Would freely have paid us home in kind, 
 
 And not have been one rope behind. 
 Those were your motives to divide And scruple, on the other side, 
 To turn your zealous frauds and force To fits of conscience, and remorse, 
 To be convinced they were in vain, And face about for new again : 
 
 For truth no more unveiFd your eyes, 
 
 Than maggots are convinced to flies : 
 
 And therefore all your lights and calls 
 
 Are but apochryphal and false, 
 To charge us with the consequences Of all your native insolences ; 
 That to your own imperious wills, Laid law and gospel neck and heels ; 
 Corrupted the Old Testament, To serve the New for precedent : 
 
 T' amend its errors and defects, With murder, and rebellion-texts ; 
 
 Of which there is not any one In all the book to sow upon ; 
 
 And therefore (from your tribe) the Jews 
 
 Held Christian doctrine forth, and use ; 
 As Mahomet (your chief) began To mix them in the Alchoran : 
 
 Denounced and pray'd with fierce devotion, 
 
 And bended elbows on the cushion ; 
 Stole from the beggars all your tones, And gifted mortifying groans ; 
 
 Had lights where better eyes were blind, 
 
 As pigs are said to see the wind : 
 
 FilPd Bedlam with predestination, 
 
 And Knightsbridge, with illumination : 
 
 Made children, with your tones, to run fort, 
 
 As bad as Bloody-Bones, or Lunsford ; 
 
 While women, great with child, miscarry'd, 
 
 For being to malignants marry'd : 
 
 Transformed all wives to Dalilahs, 
 
 Whose husbands were not for the cause : 
 
 And turn'd the men to ten horn'd cattle, 
 
 Because they went not out to battle : 
 
 Made tailors 'prentices turn heroes, 
 
 For fear of being transformed to Meroz ; 
 
 And rather forfeit their indentures, 
 
 Than not espouse the saints adventures. 
 
 Could transubstantiate, metamorphose, 
 
 And charm whole herds of beasts, like Orpheus : 
 
 Inchant the King's and church's lands, 
 
 T' obey and follow your commands ; 
 And settle on a new freehold, As Marchy-hill had done of old ; 
 
 Could turn the covenant, and translate 
 
 The gospel into spoons and plate : 
 Expound upon all merchants cashes, And open th' intricatest places : 
 Could catechise a money-box, And prove all pouches orthodox ; 
 
 Until the cause became a Damon, And Pythias the wicked Mammon. 
 And yet, in spite of all your charms, 
 
 To conjure Legion up in arms, 
 
CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 12 g 
 
 And raise more devils in the rout, Than e'er y' were able to cast out ; 
 
 Y' have been reduc'd, and by those fools, 
 
 Bred up (you say) in your own schools ; 
 
 Who, though but gifted at your feet, 
 
 Have made it plain they have more wit. 
 
 By whom you have been so oft trepann'd, 
 
 And held forth out of all command : 
 Out-gifted, out impuls'd, out-done, And out-reveal'd at carryings-on. 
 Of all your dispensations worm'd, Out-providenc'd and out-reform'd ; 
 Ejected out of church and state, And all things but the people's hate ; 
 And spirited out of th' enjoyments Of precious edifying employments, 
 
 By those who lodg'd their gifts and graces 
 
 Like better bowlers in your places ; 
 
 All which you bore, with resolution, 
 
 Charg'd on th' account of persecution ; 
 
 And though most righteously oppressed, 
 
 Against your wills, still acquiesced ; 
 
 And never hum'd and hah'd sedition, 
 
 Nor snuffled treason, nor misprision. 
 
 That is, because you never durst ; 
 
 For, had you preached and pray'd your worst, 
 Alas! you were no longer able To raise your posse of the rabble : 
 
 One single red-coat sentinel Out-charm' d the magic of the spell ; 
 
 And, with his squirt-fire, could disperse 
 
 Whole troops with chapter raised and verse : 
 
 We knew too well those tricks of yours, 
 
 To leave it ever in your powers ; 
 
 Or trust our safeties or undoings To your disposing of out-goings ; 
 
 Or to your ordering providence, One farthing's worth of consequence. 
 
 For had you power to undermine, Or wit to carry a design, 
 
 Or correspondence to trepan, Inveigle, or betray one man ; 
 
 There's nothing else that intervenes, 
 
 And bars your zeal to use the means ; 
 
 And therefore wond'rous like, no doubt, 
 
 To bring in kings, or keep them out : 
 
 Brave undertakers to restore, 
 
 That could not keep yourselves in power ; 
 
 T' advance the int'rests of the crown, 
 
 That wanted wit to keep your own. 
 'Tis true, you have (for I'd be loth 
 
 To wrong ye) done your parts in both, 
 To keep him out, and bring him in, As grace is introduc'd by sin ; 
 
 For 'twas your zealous want of sense, And sanctifyd impertinence ; 
 
 Your carrying business in a huddle, 
 
 That forc'd our rulers to new-model : 
 Oblig'd the state to tack about, And turn you root and branch, all out ; 
 To reformado, one and all, T' your great Croysado General. 
 
 Your greedy slav'ring to devour, Before 'twas in your clutches, power, 
 
 That sprung the game you were to set, 
 
 Before y' had time to draw the net : 
 Your spite to see the church's lands Divided into other hands, 
 
 9 
 
130 
 
 HUDIBRAS. part in. 
 
 And all your sacrilegious ventures Laid out in tickets and debentures : 
 Your envy to be sprinkled down, By under churches in the town ; 
 
 And no course us'd to stop their mouths, 
 
 Nor the Independent's spreading growths : 
 All which considered, ; tis most true None bring him in so much as you, 
 
 Who have prevailed beyond their plots, 
 
 Their midnight juntos, and seal'd knots ; 
 
 That thrive more by your zealous piques, 
 
 Than all their own rash politics. 
 
 And this way you may claim a share, 
 
 In carrying (as you brag) th' affair, 
 
 Else frog and toads, that croak'd the Jews 
 
 From Pharaoh and his brick-kilns loose, 
 And flies and mange, that set them free From task-masters and slavery, 
 Were likelier to do the feat, In any indifferent man's conceit. 
 
 For who e'er heard of restoration, Until your thorough reformation ? 
 That is, the king's and church's lands Were sequestered int' other hands : 
 For only then, and not before, Your eyes were open'd to restore. 
 
 And, when the work was carrying on, 
 
 Who cross'd it but yourselves alone ? 
 As by a world of hints appears, All plain and extant as your ears. 
 
 But first, o' th' first : The Isle of Wight 
 
 Will rise up, if you should deny't ; 
 
 Where Henderson, and th' other Masses, 
 
 Were sent to cap texts and put cases : 
 
 To pass for deep and learned scholars, 
 
 Although but paltry Ob and S oilers : 
 As if th' unseasonable fools Had been a coursing in the schools : 
 
 Until th' had prov'd the devil author 
 
 O' th' covenant, and the cause his daughter. 
 
 For, when they charg'd him with the guilt 
 
 Of all the blood that had been spilt, 
 
 They did not mean he wrought th' effusion : 
 
 In person, like Sir Pride, or Hewson : 
 But only those, who first begun The quarrel, were by him set on. 
 
 And who could those be but the saints, Those reformation termagants ? 
 
 But, e're this pass'd, the wise debate 
 
 Spent so much time, it grew too late ; 
 For Oliver had gotten ground, T' inclose him with his warriors round : 
 
 Had brought his providence about, 
 
 And turn'd the untimely sophists out. 
 Nor had the Uxbridge business less Of nonsense in't, or sottishness ; 
 
 When from a scoundrel holder-forth, 
 
 The scum, as well as son o' th' earth, 
 
 Your mighty senators took law, 
 
 At his command, were forc'd t' withdraw, 
 And sacrifice the peace o' th' nation To doctrine, use, and application. 
 
 So, when the Scots, your constant cronies, 
 
 Th' espousers of your cause and monies, 
 Who had so often, in your aid, So many ways been soundly paid : 
 
CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. !3! 
 
 Came in at last for better ends, 
 
 To prove themselves your trusty friends ; 
 
 You basely left them, and the church 
 
 They trained you up to, in the lurch, 
 
 And suffered your own tribe of Christians 
 
 To fall before, as true Philistines. 
 
 This shews what utensils y' have been, 
 
 To bring the King's concernments in : 
 Which is so far from being true, That none but he can bring in you : 
 And, if he take you in to trust, Will find you most exactly just : 
 
 Such as will punctually repay With double interest, and betray. 
 
 Not that I think those pantomimes, 
 
 Who vary action with the times, 
 Are less ingenious in their art, Than those who dully act one part ; 
 
 Or those who turn from side to side, 
 
 More guilty than the wind and tide. 
 All countries are a wise man's home, And so are governments to some ; 
 
 Who change them for the same intrigues 
 
 That statesmen use in breaking leagues : 
 
 While others, in old faiths and troths, 
 
 Look odd, as out-of-fashion'd cloaths : 
 And nastier, in an old opinion, Than those who never shift their linen. 
 For true and faithful's sure to lose, Which way soever the game goes : 
 And, whether parties lose or win, Is always nick'd, or else hedg'd in. 
 
 While power usurp'd, like stolen delight, 
 
 Is more bewitching than the right, 
 
 And, when the times begin to alter, 
 
 None rise so high as from the halter. 
 And so may we, if w' have but sense 
 
 To use the necessary means, 
 And not your usual stratagems On one another, lights and dreams. 
 To stand on terms as positive, As if we did not take, but give : 
 
 Set up the covenant on crutches, 
 
 'Gainst those who have us in their clutches, 
 
 And dream of pulling churches down, 
 
 Before w' are sure to prop our own : 
 
 Your constant method of proceeding, 
 
 Without the carnal means of heading : 
 
 Who, 'twixt your inward sense and outward, 
 
 Are worse, than if y' had none, accoutred. 
 I grant, all courses are in vain, Unless we can get in again ; 
 
 The only way that's left us now, But all the difficulty's how. 
 
 /r JTis true, w' have money, th' only power, 
 
 That all mankind fall down before ; 
 
 Money, that, like the swords of kings, 
 
 Is the last reason of all things ; 
 And therefore need not doubt our play Has all advantages that way : 
 
 As long as men have faith to sell, 
 
 And meet with those that can pay well ; 
 
 Whose half-starv'd pride and avarice, 
 
 One church and state will not suffice, 
 
 9—2 
 
! 3 2 HUDIBRAS. PART in. 
 
 T expose to sale, beside the wages, Of storing plagues to after ages. 
 Nor is our money less our own, Than 'twas before we laid it down ; 
 For 'twill return, and turn t' account, If we are brought in play upon't : 
 Or but, by casting knaves get in, What power can hinder us to win ? 
 
 We know the arts we us'd before, 
 
 In peace and war, and something more, 
 And, by th' unfortunate events, Can mend our next experiments : 
 
 For, when w' are taken into trust, How easy are the wisest chous'd ; 
 
 Who see but the outsides of our feats, 
 
 And not their secret springs and weights ; 
 
 And, while they're busy at their ease, 
 
 Can carry what designs we please ? 
 How easy is't to serve for agents, To prosecute our old engagements ? 
 
 To keep the good old cause on foot, 
 
 And present power from taking root ; 
 Inflame them both with false alarms Of plots and parties taking arms : 
 To keep the nation's wounds too wide From healing up of side to side ; 
 Profess the passionat'st concerns, For both their interests, by turns, 
 The only way t' improve our own, By dealing faithfully with none ; 
 
 (As bowls run true, by being made On purpose false, and to be sway'd) 
 
 For, if we should be true to either, 
 
 'Twould turn us out of both together ; 
 And therefore have no other means To stand upon our own defence, 
 But keeping up our ancient party, In vigour, confident and hearty : 
 
 To reconcile our late dissenters, Our brethren, though by other venters ; 
 
 Unite them and their different maggots, 
 
 As long and short sticks are in faggots,"^ 1 
 And make them join again as ciose, As when they first began t'espouse ; 
 Erect them into separate New Jewish tribes, in church and state ; 
 
 To join in marriage and commerce, 
 
 And only among themselves converse, 
 And all, that are not of their mind, Make enemies to all mankind : 
 Take all religions in, and stickle From conclave down to conventicle ; 
 Agreeing still, or disagreeing, According to the light in being. 
 
 Sometimes for liberty of conscience, 
 
 And spiritual mis-rule, in one sense ; 
 But in another quite contrary, As dispensations chance to vary ; 
 
 And stand for, as the times will bear it, 
 
 All contradictions of the spirit : 
 Protect their emissaries, empower'd To preach sedition and the word : 
 
 And, when they're hamper'd by the laws, 
 Release the lab'rers for the cause ; 
 And turn the persecution back On those that made the first attack, 
 To keep them equally in awe, From breaking or maintaining law. 
 
 And when they have their fits too soon, 
 Before the full tides of the moon ; 
 Put off your zeal t' a fitter season, For sowing faction in and treason ; 
 And keep them hooded, and their churches, 
 Like hawks from baiting on their perches. 
 That when the blessed time shall come Of quitting Babylon and Rome, 
 They may be ready to restore Their own Fifth Monarchy once more. 
 
CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 133 
 
 Mean while be better arm'd to fence Against revolts of providence ; 
 
 By watching narrowly, and snapping 
 
 All blind sides of it, as they happen : 
 For, if success could make us saints, Our ruin turn'd us miscreants ; 
 A scandal that would fall too hard Upon a few, and unprepared. 
 
 These are the courses we must run, 
 
 Spite of our hearts, or be undone ; 
 And not to stand on terms and freaks, Before we have secured our necks : 
 But do our work, as out of sight, As stars by day, and suns by night ; 
 All licence of the people own, In opposition to the crown, 
 
 And for the crown as fiercely side, The head and body to divide ; 
 
 The end of all we first designed, And all that yet remains behind. 
 
 Be sure to spare no public rapine. On all emergencies that happen ; 
 For 'tis as easy to supplant Authority, as men in want : 
 
 As some of us, in trusts, have made The one hand with the other trade ; 
 
 Gained vastly by their joint endeavour, 
 
 The right a thief, the left receiver ; 
 
 And what the one, by tricks, forestall'd, 
 
 The other, by as sly, retailed. 
 For gain has wonderful effects T' improve the factory of sects ; 
 
 The rule of faith in all professions, And great Diana of th' Ephesians : 
 Whence turning of religion's made The means to turn and wind a trade ; 
 
 And, though some change it for the worse, 
 
 They put themselves into a course, 
 And draw in store of customers, To thrive the better in commerce. 
 
 For all religions flock together, Like tame and wild fowl of a feather, 
 To nab the itches of their sects, As jades do one another's necks. 
 
 Hence 'tis hypocrisy as well 
 
 Will serve t' improve a church as zeal ; 
 As persecution, or promotion, Do equally advance devotion. 
 
 Let business, like ill watches go 
 
 Sometime too fast, sometime too slow ; 
 For things in order are put out So easy, ease itself will do't : 
 
 But, when the feat's design'd and meant, 
 
 What miracle can bar th' event ? 
 For 'tis more easy to betray, Than ruin any other way. 
 
 All possible occasions start, The weighti'st matters to divert ; 
 
 Obstruct, perplex, distract, entangle, 
 
 And lay perpetual trains to wrangle. 
 But in affairs of less import, That neither do us good nor hurt, 
 
 And they receive as little by, Out-fawn as much, and out-comply ; 
 
 And seem as scrupulously just, To bait our hooks for greater trust : 
 But still be careful to cry down All public actions, though our own ; 
 The least miscarriage aggravate, And charge it all upon the state : 
 
 Express the horrid'st detestation, And pity the distracted nation. 
 
 Tell stories scandalous, and false, P th' proper language of cabals, 
 
 Where all a subtle statesman says, Is half in words, and half in face ; 
 i ^ (As Spaniards talk in dialogues 
 V Or heads and shoulders, nods and shrugs). 
 Entrust it under solemn vows Of mum, and silence, and the rose, 
 
 To be retail'd again in whispers, For th' easy credulous to disperse. 
 
134 . HUDIBRAS, PART in. 
 
 Thus far the statesman — when a shout, 
 
 Heard at a distance, put him out ; 
 And strait another, all aghast, Rushed in with equal fear and haste ; 
 Who stared about, as pale as death, And, for a while, as out of breath ; 
 Till, having gathered up his wits, He thus began his tale by fits : 
 
 ^•--That beastly rabble, — that came down 
 / From all the garrets — in the town, 
 
 And stalls and shop-boards, in vast swarms, 
 
 With new-chalk'd bills, and rusty arms, 
 To cry the cause — up, heretofore, And bawl the bishops — out of door : 
 
 Are now drawn up — in greater shoals, 
 
 To roast — and broil us on the coals, 
 
 And all the grandees — of our members 
 
 Are carbonad'ing — on the embers ; 
 
 Knights, citizens, and burgesses — 
 
 Held forth by rumps — of pigs and geese, 
 That serve for characters — and badges To represent their personages : 
 
 Each bonfire as a funeral pile, 
 
 In which they roast, and scorch, and broil, 
 And every representative Have vow'd to roast — and broil alive : 
 
 And 'tis a miracle, we are not Already sacrific'd incarnate : 
 
 For while we wrangle here, and jar, 
 r W' are grilly'd all at Temple-bar ; 
 ^ Some, on the sign-post of an ale-house, 
 
 Hang in effigy, on the gallows, 
 Make up of rags, to personate Respective officers of state, 
 
 That, henceforth, they may stand reputed, 
 
 Proscrib'd in law, and executed ; 
 And, while the work is carrying on, Be ready lifted under Dun, 
 
 That worthy patriot, once the bellows 
 
 And tinder-box of all his fellows ; 
 The activist member of the five, As well as the most primitive ; 
 
 Who, for his faithful service then, Is chosen for a fifth again ; 
 
 (For, since the state has made a quint Of generals, he's listed in't). 
 This worthy, as the world will say, Is paid in specie, his own way ; 
 
 For, moulded to the life in clouts, 
 
 Th' have pick'd from dung-hills here abouts, 
 He's mounted on a hazel bavin, A cropp'd malignant baker gave 'em : 
 
 And to the largest bonfire riding, 
 
 Th' have roasted Cook already, and Pride in. 
 On whom, in equipage and state, His scare-crow fellow-members wait, 
 And march in order, two and two, As, at thanksgivings, th' us'd to do; 
 Each in a tatter'd talisman, Like vermin in effigie slain. 
 
 But (what's more dreadful than the rest) 
 
 Those rumps are but the tails o' th' beast, 
 Set up by Popish engineers, As by the crackers plainly appears ; 
 
 For none but Jesuits have a mission 
 
 To preach the faith with ammunition, 
 
 And propagate the church with powder ; 
 
 Their founder was a blown-up soldier. 
 
CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 135 
 
 / 
 
 These spiritual pioneers o' th' whore's, 
 
 That have the charge of all her stores, 
 
 Since first they fail'd in their designs, 
 
 ■ v To take in heaven, by springing mines, * 
 
 And, with unanswerable barrels Of gunpowder, dispute their quarrels ; 
 Now take a course more practicable, By laying trains to fire the rabble, 
 
 And blow us up, in th 7 open streets, 
 
 Disguis'd in rumps, like Sambenites ; 
 More like to ruin, and confound, Than all their doctrines under ground. 
 Nor have they chosen rumps amiss, For symbols of state mysteries ; 
 
 Though some suppose 'twas but to shew 
 
 How much they scorn'd the saints, the few ; 
 
 Who, 'cause they're wasted to the stumps, 
 
 Are represented best by rumps. 
 < v . But Jesuits have deeper reaches In all their politic far-fetches : 
 
 And, from the Coptic priest, Kircherus, 
 
 Found out this mystic way to jeer us. 
 For, as th' Egyptians us'd by bees T' express their antique Ptolemies ; 
 
 And, by their stings, the swords they wore, 
 
 Held forth authority and power : 
 Because these subtle animals Bear all their interests in their tails ; 
 
 And when they're once impaired in that, 
 
 Are banish'd their well- ordered state : 
 
 They thought all governments were best 
 
 By hieroglyphic rumps expressed. 
 For, as, in bodies natural, The rump's the fundament of all; 
 
 A So, in a common- wealth, or realm, The government is call'd the helm; 
 
 With which, like vessels under sail, 
 
 They're turn'd and winded by the tail, 
 
 The tail, which birds and fishes steer 
 
 Their courses with, through sea and air ; 
 
 To whom the rudder of the rump is 
 
 The same thing with the stern and compass. 
 
 This shews how perfectly the rump 
 
 And common- wealth in nature jump. 
 For as a fly that goes to bed Rests with his tail above his head ; 
 
 So, in this mongrel state of ours, The rabble are the supreme powers ; 
 
 That hors'd us on their backs, to show us 
 
 A jadish trick at last, and throw us. 
 The learned Rabbins of the Jews 
 
 Write there's a bone, which they call luez, 
 I 9 th' rump of man, of such a virtue, No force in nature can do hurt to ; 
 
 And therefore, at the last great day, 
 
 All th' other members shall they say, 
 Spring out of this, as from a seed All sorts of vegetals proceed : 
 
 From whence the learned sons of art, 
 
 Os sacrum, justly style that part. 
 
 Then what can better represent, 
 
 Than this rump-bone the parliament ; 
 That, after several rude ejections, And as prodigious resurrections, 
 
 With new reversions of nine lives, Starts up, and like a cat, revives ? 
 
136 HUD1BRAS. PART nr. 
 
 But now, alas ! they're all expir'd, 
 
 And th' house, as well as members, nYd \ 
 Consum'd in kennels by the rout, With which they other fires put out : 
 *Condemn'd t' ungoverning distress, And paultry private wretchedness ; 
 Worse than the devil to privation, Beyond all hopes of restoration : 
 And parted, like the body and soul, From all dominion and controul. 
 We, who could lately, with a look, Enact, establish, or revoke ; 
 
 Whose arbitrary nods gave law, And frowns kept multitudes in awe ; 
 Before the bluster of whose huff, All hats, as in a storm, flew off : 
 
 Adored and bow'd to, by the great, Down to the footman and valet ; 
 
 Had more bent knees than chapel-mats, 
 — '"And prayers, than the crowns of hats ; 
 Shall now be scorn'd as wretchedly, For ruin's just as low as high : 
 
 Which might be suffered, were it all The horror that attends our fall : 
 
 For some of us have scores more large 
 
 Than heads and quarters can discharge : 
 
 And others, who, by restless scraping, 
 
 With public frauds, and private rapine, 
 
 Have mighty heaps of wealth amass'd, 
 
 Would gladly lay down all at last : 
 And, to be but undone, entail Their vessels on perpetual jail ; 
 
 And bless the devil to let them farms 
 
 Of forfeit souls, on no worse terms. 
 This said, a near and louder shout Put all th' assembly to the rout, 
 
 Who now begun t' out-run their fear, 
 
 As horses do, from those they bear : 
 
 But crowded on with so much haste, 
 
 Until th' had blocked the passage fast, 
 
 And barricado'd it with haunches 
 
 Of outward men, and bulks and paunches, 
 
 That with their shoulders strove to squeeze, 
 
 And rather save a crippled piece 
 
 Of all their crush'd and broken members, 
 
 Than have them grillied on the embers ; 
 Still pressing on with heavy packs, Of one another, on their backs : 
 The van-guard could no longer bear The charges of the forlorn rear, 
 
 But, borne down headlong by the rout, 
 
 Were trampled sorely under foot : 
 
 Yet nothing prov'd so formidable, 
 
 As the horrid cookery of the rabble : 
 And fear, that keeps all feeling out, As lesser pains are by the gout, 
 Relieved 'em with a fresh supply Of rallied force, enough to fly, 
 
 And beat a Tuscan running-horse, Whose jockey-rider is all spurs. 
 
canto ill. HUDIBRAS. 137 
 
 CANTO I II.— Argument. 
 
 The Knight and Squire's prodigious flight, To quit the enchanted bow'r by night. 
 He plots to turn his amorous suit T' a plea in law, and prosecute : 
 
 Repairs to counsel, to advise 'Bout managing the enterprise ; 
 
 But first resolves to try by letter And one more fair address, to get her. 
 
 Who would believe what strange bugbears 
 
 Mankind creates itself, of fears/~~^~ 
 That spring, like fern, that insect weectp Equivocally, without seed ? 
 And have no possible foundation, But merely in th ? imagination, 
 
 And yet can do more dreadful feats 
 
 Than hags, with all their imps and teats ; 
 
 Make more bewitch and haunt themselves, 
 
 Than all their nurseries of elves. 
 
 For fear does things so like a witch, 
 
 ? Tis hard t' unriddle which is which ; 
 Sets up communities of senses, To chop and change intelligences ; 
 As Rosicrucian virtuosos Can see with ears, and hear with noses ; 
 
 And, when they neither see nor hear, 
 
 Have more than both supply'd by fear ; 
 
 That makes ; em in the dark see visions, 
 
 And hag themselves with apparitions ; 
 
 And, when their eyes discover least, Discern the subtlest objects best : 
 
 Do things, not contrary, alone, To th J course of nature, but its own : 
 
 \The courage of the bravest daunt, And turn poltroons as valiant : 
 
 For men as resolute appear, With too much as too little fear ; 
 
 And, when they're out of hopes of flying, 
 
 Will run away from death by dying ; 
 Or turn again to stand it out, And those they fled, like lions, rout. 
 
 This Hudibras had proved too true, Who, by the furies, left perdue, 
 
 And.haunted with detachments sent, 
 
 From Marshal Legion's regiment, 
 Was by a fiend, as counterfeit, Relieved and rescu'd with a cheat ; 
 
 When nothing but himself, and fear, Was both the imps and conjurer : 
 As, by the rules o' th' virtuosi, It follows in due form of poesy. 
 
 Disguis'd in all the masks of night, 
 
 We left our champion on his flight, 
 At blindman's buff, to grope his way, In equal fear of night and day ; 
 
 Who took his dark and desp'rate course, 
 
 He knew no better than his horse ; 
 And by an unknown devil led, (He knew as little whither) fled, 
 
 He never was in greater need, Nor less capacity of speed ; 
 
 Disabled, both in man and beast, To fly and run away, his best : 
 
 To keep the enemy, and fear, From equal falling on his rear, 
 
 And though with kicks and bangs he ply'd 
 
 The farther and the nearer side, 
 
138 HUDIBRAS. part in. 
 
 (As seamen ride with all their force, 
 
 And tug as if they row'd the horse, 
 
 And, when the hackney sails most swift, 
 
 Believe they lag, or run a-drift) 
 
 So, though he posted e'er so fast, 
 
 His fear was greater than his haste : 
 For fear, though fleeter than the wind, Believes 'tis always left behind. 
 
 But when the morn began t' appear, 
 
 And shift t' another scene his fear, 
 He found his new officious shade That came so timely to his aid, 
 
 And forc'd him from the foe t' escape, 
 
 Had turn'd itself to Ralpho's shape, 
 
 So like in person, garb, and pitch, 
 
 ? Twas hard t' interpret which was which. 
 For Ralpho had no sooner told The Lady all he had t' unfold, 
 
 But she convey'd him out of sight, 
 
 To entertain the approaching Knight ; 
 
 And while he gave himself diversion, 
 
 T' accommodate his beast and person, 
 And put his beard into a posture At best advantage to accost her, 
 
 She order'd th' antimasquerade, (For his reception) aforesaid : 
 
 But when the ceremony was done, The lights put out, and furies gone, 
 And Hudibras, among the rest, Convey'd away, as Ralpho guess'd, 
 The wretched caitiff, all alone) (As he believed) began to moan, 
 
 And tell his story to himself, The Knight mistook him for an elf ; 
 
 And did so still, till he began To scruple at Ralph's outward man, 
 
 And thought, because they oft agreed 
 
 T' appear in one another's stead, 
 And act the saint's and devil's part, With undistinguishable art, 
 
 They might have done so now, perhaps, 
 
 And put on one another's shapes ; 
 
 And, therefore, to resolve the doubt, 
 
 He star'd upon him, and cry'd out, 
 
 What art ? My Squire, or that bold spright 
 
 That took his place and shape to night ? 
 Some busy Independent pug, Retainer to his synagogue ? 
 
 Alas ! quoth he, I'm none of those 
 
 Your bosom friends, as you suppose ; 
 
 But Ralph himself, your trusty Squire, 
 
 Wh' has dragg'd your Donship out o' th' mire, 
 
 And from th' inchantments of a widow, 
 
 Wh' had turn'd you int' a beast, have freed you, 
 
 And, though a prisoner of war, 
 
 Have brought you safe, where now you are, 
 Which you would gratefully repay Your constant Presbyterian way. 
 
 That's stranger (quoth the Knight) and stranger ; 
 
 Who gave thee notice of my danger ? 
 Ouoth he, The infernal conjurer Pursu'd, and took me prisoner ; 
 
 And, knowing you were hereabout, 
 
 Brought me along, to find you out ; 
 Where I, in hugger-mugger hid, Have noted all they said or did ; 
 

 canto in. HUDIBRAS. 139 
 
 And, though they lay to him the pageant, 
 
 I did not see him, nor his agent, 
 Who play'd their sorceries out of sight, T' avoid a fiercer second fight. 
 But didst thou see no devils then ? 
 
 Not one (quoth he) but carnal men, 
 A little worse than fiends in hell, And that she-devil Jezebel, 
 
 That laugh'd and tee-he'd with derision, 
 
 To see them take your deposition. 
 What then (quoth Hudibras) was he, 
 
 That play'd the devil to examine me ? 
 fX rallying weaver in the town, That did it in a parson's gown ; 
 
 L — Whom all the parish takes for gifted, 
 
 But, for my part, I ne'er believ'd.it : 
 
 In which you told them all your feats, 
 
 Your conscientious frauds and cheats, 
 Denyd your whipping, and confessed The naked truth of all the rest, 
 
 More plainly than the reverend writer, 
 
 That to our churches veil'd his mitre ; 
 
 All which they took in black and white, 
 
 And cudgelPd me to underwrite. 
 
 What made thee, when they all were gone, 
 
 And none, but thou and I alone, 
 To act the devil, and forbear To rid me of my hellish fear ? 
 
 Quoth he, I knew your constant rate, 
 
 And frame of sp'rit too obstinate, 
 To be by me prevail'd upon, With any motives of my own ; 
 
 And therefore strove to counterfeit 
 
 The devil a- while, to nick your wit ; 
 The devil, that is your constant crony, That only can prevail upon ye : 
 
 Else we might still have been disputing, 
 
 And they with weighty drubs confuting. 
 The Knight, who now began to find 
 
 Th' had left the enemy behind, 
 And saw no further harm remain, But feeble weariness and pain, 
 
 Perceiv'd, by losing of their way, 
 
 Th' had gain'd the advantage of the day, 
 
 And, by declining of the road, 
 
 They had, by chance, their rear made good ; 
 He ventured to dismiss his fear, That partings wont to rant and tear, 
 And give the desperat'st attack To danger still behind its back. 
 
 For, having paus'd to recollect, And on his past success reflect, 
 
 T' examine and consider why, 
 
 And whence, and how he came to fly, 
 
 And when no devil had appear'd, 
 
 What else, it could be said, he fear'd ; 
 It put him in so fierce a rage, He once resolved to re-engage, 
 
 Toss'd like a foot-ball back again, 
 
 With shame, and vengeance, and disdain. 
 
 Quoth he, It was thy cowardice, 
 *\/That made me from this leaguer rise ; 
 And, when I 'ad half reduc'd the place, To quit it infamously base ; 
 
140 HUD1BRAS. PART in. 
 
 Was better cover'd by the new Arriv'd detachment, than I knew ; 
 
 To slight my new acquests, and run, Victoriously, from battles won, 
 
 And, reckoning all I gain'd or lost, 
 
 To sell them cheaper than they cost ; 
 To make me put myself to flight, And, conquering, run away by night ; 
 
 To drag me out, which th' haughty foe 
 
 Durst never have presum'd to do ; 
 To mount me in the dark by force, Upon the bare ridge of my horse, 
 Exposed in querpo to their rage, Without my arms and equipage ; 
 
 Lest, if they ventured to pursue, I might the unequal fight renew ; 
 
 And, to preserve thy outward man, Assum'd my place, and led the van. 
 All this, quoth Ralph, I did, 'tis true, 
 
 Not to preserve myself, but you. 
 
 You, who were damn'd to baser drubs 
 
 Than wretches feel in powd'ring tubs, 
 
 To mount two-wheel'd carroches, worse 
 
 Than managing a wooden horse ; 
 
 Dragg'd out through straiter hole by th' ears, 
 
 Eras'd, or coup'd for perjurers ; 
 
 Who, though th' attempt had prov'd in vain, 
 
 Had had no reason to complain : 
 
 But, since it prospered, 'tis unhandsome 
 
 To blame the hand that paid your ransom, 
 And rescu'd your obnoxious bones From unavoidable battoons, 
 
 The enemy was reinforced, And we disabled, and unhors'd, 
 
 Disarmed, unqualify'd for fight, And no way left but hasty flight, 
 
 Which, though as desp'rate in the attempt, 
 
 Has given you freedom to condemn't. 
 But, were our bones in fit condition To reinforce the expedition, 
 
 'Tis now unseasonable and vain, To think of falling on again : 
 
 No martial project to surprise Can ever be attempted twice ; 
 
 Nor cast designs serve afterwards, 
 
 As gamesters tear their losing cards. 
 
 Beside, our bangs of man and beast 
 
 Are fit for nothing now but rest ; 
 And for a while will not be able To rally, and prove serviceable : 
 
 And therefore I, with reason, chose This stratagem, t' amuse our foes, 
 To make an honourable retreat, And wave a total sure defeat : 
 
 For those that fly may fight again, 
 
 Which he can never do that's slain. 
 Hence timely running's no mean part Of conduct in the martial art, 
 By which some glorious feats atchieve, As citizens, by breaking, thrive, 
 
 And cannons conquer armies, while 
 
 They seem to draw off and recoil ; 
 
 Is held the gallantest course, and bravest, 
 
 To great exploits, as well as safest, 
 
 That spares th' expence of time and pains, 
 
 And dangerous beating out of brains, 
 And in the end prevails as certain As those that never trust to fortune ; 
 But make their fear do execution Beyond the stoutest resolution ; 
 
 As earthquakes kill without a blow, And, only trembling, overthrow. 
 
CANTO in. HUDIBRAS. J4X 
 
 If th' ancients crown'd their bravest men, That only sav'd a citizen, 
 What victory could e'er be won, If every one would save but one ? 
 
 Or fight endangered to be lost, Where all resolve to save the most ? 
 By this means, when a battle's won, The war's as far from being done : 
 
 For those that save themselves, and fly, 
 
 Go halves, at least, i' th' victory ; 
 
 And sometime, when the loss is small, 
 
 And danger great, they challenge all ; 
 Print new additions to their feats, And emendations in gazettes ; 
 
 And when, for furious haste to run, 
 
 They durst not stay to fire a gun, 
 
 Have done't with bonfires, and at home 
 
 Made squibs and crackers overcome : 
 To set the rabble on a flame, And keep their governors from blame, 
 
 Disperse the news the pulpit tells, 
 
 Confirm'd with fire-works and with bells ; 
 
 And, though reduc'd to that extreme, 
 
 They have been forc'd to sing Te Deumj 
 Yet with religious blasphemy, By flattering heaven with a lie, 
 
 And, for their beating, giving thanks, 
 
 Th' have rais'd recruits, and fill'd their banks ; 
 For those who run from th' enemy, Engage them equally to fly ; 
 
 And, when the fight becomes a chace, 
 
 Those win the days that win the race ; 
 
 And that which would not pass in fights, 
 
 Has done the feat with easy flights ; 
 
 Recover'd many a desp'rate campaign 
 
 With Bourdeaux, Burgundy, and Champaign ; 
 
 Restored the fainting high and mighty 
 
 With brandy- wine, and aquavitae ; 
 
 And made 'em stoutly overcome 
 
 With bacrack, hoccamore, and mum ; 
 With the uncontroul'd decrees of fate To victory necessitate ; 
 
 With which, although they run or burn, They unavoidably return : 
 Or else their sultan populaces Still strangle all their routed bassas. 
 
 Quoth Hudibras, I understand 
 
 What fights thou mean'st at sea and land, 
 
 And who those were that run away, 
 
 And yet gave out th' had won the day ; 
 
 Although the rabble sous'd them for't 
 
 O'er head and ears in mud and dirt. 
 'Tis true, our modern way of war Is grown more politic by far, 
 
 But not so resolute and bold, Nor ty'd to honour, as the old : 
 
 For now they laugh at giving battle, Unless it be to herds of cattle ; 
 Or fighting convoys of provision, The whole design o' th' expedition, 
 And not with downright blows to rout The enemy, but eat them out : 
 As fighting, in all beasts of prey, And eating, are perform'd one way ; 
 
 To give defiance to their teeth, 
 
 And fight their stubborn guts to death ; 
 
 And those atchieve the high'st renown, 
 That bring the other stomachs down. 
 
!42 HUDIBRAS. PART III. 
 
 There's now no fear of wounds nor maiming 
 
 All dangers are reduc'd to famine ; 
 And feats of arms, to plot, design, Surprise, and stratagem, and mine ; 
 
 But have no need, nor use of courage, 
 
 Unless it be for glory, or forage : 
 
 For, if they fight, 'tis but by chance, 
 
 When one side vent'ring to advance, 
 And come uncivilly too near, Are charg'd unmercifully i' th' rear ; 
 
 And forc'd, with terrible resistance, To keep hereafter at a distance, 
 To pick out ground to encamp upon, Where store of largest rivers run, 
 
 That serve, instead of peaceful barriers, 
 
 To part th' engagements of their warriors ; 
 
 Where both from side to side, may skip, 
 
 And only encounter at bo-peep : 
 
 For men are found the stouter-hearted 
 
 The certainer th' are to be parted ; 
 
 And therefore post themselves in bogs, 
 
 As th' ancient mice attack'd the frogs, 
 And made their mortal enemy, The water-rat, their strict ally. 
 
 For 'tis not now, who's stout and bold ; 
 
 But who bears hunger best and cold ; 
 
 And he's approv'd the most deserving, 
 
 Who longest can hold out at starving : 
 
 And he that routs most pigs and cows, 
 
 The formidablest man of prowess. 
 So th ? Emperor Caligula, That triumph'd o'er the British sea, 
 
 Took crabs and oysters prisoners, And lobsters 'stead of cuirasiers ; 
 
 Engag'd his legions in fierce bustles, 
 
 With periwinkles, prawns, and mussels ; 
 
 And led his troops with furious gallops, 
 
 To charge whole regiments of scallops : 
 Not like their ancient way of war, To wait on his triumphal car ; 
 
 But when he went to dine or sup, 
 
 More bravely eat his captives up ; 
 
 And left all war by his example, 
 
 Reduc'd to vict'ling of a camp well. 
 
 Quoth Ralph, By all that you have said, 
 
 And twice as much that I could add, 
 
 'Tis plain, you cannot now do worse, 
 
 Than take this out-of-fashion'd course, 
 To hope, by stratagem, to woo her, Or waging battle to subdue her : 
 
 Though some have done it in romances, 
 
 And bang'd them into amorous fancies ; 
 
 As those who won the Amazons, 
 
 By wanton drubbing of their bones ; 
 And stout Rinaldo gain'd his bride, By courting of her back and side, 
 
 But, since those times and feats are over, 
 7 They are not for a modern lover, 
 
 When mistresses are too cross-grain'd ; 
 
 By such addresses to be gain'd ; 
 
CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 
 
 HS 
 
 And, if they were, would have it out, 
 
 With many another kind of bout. 
 
 Therefore I hold no course s' infeasible, 
 
 As this of force to win the Jezebel ; 
 To storm her heart, by th' antic charms Of ladies errant, force of arms ; 
 But rather strive by law to win her, And try the title you have in her. 
 Your case is clear, you have her word, And me to witness the accord ; 
 Besides two more of her retinue To testify what passed between you ; 
 
 More probable, and like to hold, 
 
 Than hand, or seal, or breaking gold ; 
 
 For which so many, that renounced 
 
 Their plighted contracts, have been trounc'd ; 
 
 And bills upon record been found, 
 
 That forc'd the ladies to compound ; 
 And that, unless I miss the matter, Is all the business you look after : 
 Besides, encounters at the bar Are braver now than those in war, 
 
 In which the law does execution, With less disorder and confusion ; 
 
 Has more of honour in't, some hold, 
 
 Not like the new way, but the old ; 
 
 When those the pen had drawn together, 
 
 Decided quarrels with the feather, 
 And winged arrows kill'd as dead, And more than bullets now of lead : 
 So all their combats now, as then, Are managed chiefly by the pen ; 
 
 That does the feat, with braver vigours, 
 
 In words at length, as well as figures ; 
 Is judge of all the world performs In voluntary feats of arms ; 
 
 And whatsoe'er' s atchiev'd in fight, 
 
 Determines which is wrong or right : 
 For whether you prevail, or lose, All must be try'd there in the close ; 
 
 And therefore 'tis not wise to shun 
 
 What you must trust to, ere y' have done. 
 The law, that settles all you do ; And marries where you did but woo, 
 That makes the most perfidious lover A lady, that's as false, recover ; 
 And, if it judge upon your side, Will soon extend her for your bride, 
 
 And put her person, goods, or lands, 
 
 Of which you like best, int' your hands. 
 For law's the wisdom of all ages, And manag'd by the ablest sages ; 
 Who, though their bus'ness at the bar Be but a kind of civil war, 
 
 In which th' engage with fiercer dudgeons, 
 
 Than e'er the Grecians did and Trojans ; 
 They never manage the contest T ; impail their public interest, 
 
 Or by their controversies lessen The dignity of their profession : 
 
 Not like us brethren, who divide 
 
 Our common-wealth, the cause and side ; 
 
 And though w' are all as near of kindred 
 
 As th' outward man is to the inward, 
 We agree in nothing, but to wrangle, About the slightest fingle-fangle ; 
 
 While lawyers have more sober sense, 
 
 Than to argue at their own expence, 
 But make their best advantages Of other quarrels, like the Swiss ; 
 
 And out of foreign controversies, By aiding both sides, fill their purses ; 
 
144 HUDIBRAS. PART in. 
 
 But have no int'rest in the cause 
 
 For which th' engage, and wage the laws ; 
 
 Nor further prospect than their pay, 
 
 Whether they lose or win the day. 
 
 And though th' abounded in all ages, 
 
 With sundry learned clerks and sages, 
 
 Though all their business be dispute, 
 
 Which way they canvass every suit, 
 Th' have no disputes about their art, Nor in polemics controvert : 
 
 While all professions else are found 
 
 With nothing but disputes t' abound : 
 Divines of all sorts, and physicians, Philosophers, mathematicians ; 
 
 The Galen ist, and Paracelsian, 
 
 Condemn the way each other deals in ; 
 
 Anatomists dissect and mangle, 
 
 To cut themselves out work to wrangle ; 
 
 Astrologers dispute their dreams, 
 
 That in their sleeps they talk of schemes : 
 And heralds stickle, who got who, So many hundred years ago. 
 
 v*-J3ut lawyers are too wise a nation, 
 
 T' expose their trade to disputation ; 
 
 Or make the busy rabble judges 
 
 Of all their secret piques and grudges ; 
 In which, whoever wins the day, The whole profession's sure to pay. 
 
 Beside, no mountebanks, nor cheats, 
 
 Dare undertake to do their feats ; 
 When in all other sciences They swarm like insects, and increase. 
 
 For what bigot durst ever draw, By inward light a deed in law ? 
 
 Or could hold forth, by revelation, An answer to a declaration ? 
 
 For those that meddle with their tools, 
 
 Will cut their fingers, if they're fools : 
 And if you follow their advice, In bills, and answers, and replies ; 
 
 They'll write a love-letter in chancery, 
 
 Shall bring her upon oath to answer ye, 
 
 And soon reduce her to b' your wife, 
 
 Or make her weary of her life. 
 
 The Knight, who us'd with tricks and shifts 
 
 To edify by Ralpho's gifts, 
 
 But in appearance cry'd him down, 
 
 To make them better seem his own, 
 (All plagiaries constant course Of sinking when they take a purse) 
 
 Resolv'd to follow his advice, And kept it from him by disguise : 
 
 And, after stubborn contradiction To counterfeit his own conviction, 
 And, by transition, fall upon The resolution, as his own. 
 
 Quoth he, This gambol, thou advisest, 
 
 Is, of all others, the unwisest ; 
 
 For, if I think by law to gain her, 
 
 There's nothing sillier, nor vainer ; 
 
 'Tis but to hazard my pretence, 
 
 Where nothing's certain, but th' expence ; 
 To act against myself, and traverse My suit and title to her favours : 
 
 
CANTO ill. HUDIBRAS. 145 
 
 And if she should, which Heaven forbid, 
 
 Overthrow me, as the fiddler did ; 
 What after-course have I to take, ; Gainst losing all I have at stake ? 
 He that with injury is griev'd, And goes to law, to be relieVd, 
 
 Is sillier than a sottish chowse, 
 
 Who, when a thief has robb'd his house, 
 Applies himself to cunning men, To help him to his goods again ; 
 
 When all he can expect to gain, Is but to squander more in vain : 
 
 And yet I have no other way, But is as difficult to play. 
 
 For to reduce her, by main force, 
 
 Is now in vain ; by fair means, worse ; 
 But worst of all to give her over, Till she's as desp'rate to recover. 
 
 For bad games are thrown up too soon, 
 
 Until th' are never to be won, 
 But since I have no other course, But is as bad t' attempt, or worse ; 
 He that complies against his will, Is of his own opinion still'; 
 
 Which he may adhere to, yet disown, 
 
 For reasons to himself best known ; 
 But 'tis not to b' avoided now, For Sidrophel resolves to sue"; 
 
 Whom I must answer, or begin, Inevitably, first with him. 
 
 For Pve received advertisement, By times enough, of his intent ; 
 
 And knowing, he that first complains 
 
 Th' advantage of the business gains ; 
 ,For courts of justice understand The plaintiff to be eldest hand : 
 
 Who what he pleases may aver, The other, nothing till he swear : 
 
 Is freely admitted to all grace, And lawful favour, by his place : 
 
 And, for his bringing custom in, Has all advantages to win. 
 
 I, who resolve to oversee No lucky opportunity, 
 
 Will go to counsel, to advise Which way t' encounter, or surprise, 
 
 And, after long consideration, Have found out one to fit th' occasion ; 
 Most apt for what I have to do, As counsellor and justice too : 
 
 And, truly so, no doubt, he was, A lawyer fit for such a case. 
 
 An old dull sot, who told the clock, 
 
 For many years at Bridewell-dock, 
 At Westminster, and Hicks' s Hall ; And hicciits doctius play'd in all ; 
 
 Where, in all governments and times, 
 
 H' had been both friend and foe to crimes, 
 
 And us'd too equal ways of gaining, 
 
 By hind'ring justice, or maintaining : 
 
 To many a whore gave privilege, 
 
 And whipp'd, for want of quarterage ; 
 
 Cart-loads of bawds to prison sent, 
 
 For b'ing behind a fortnight's rent : 
 
 And many a trusty pimp and croney, 
 
 To Puddle-dock, for want of money ; 
 
 Engag'd the constable to seize 
 
 All those that would not break the peace ; 
 
 Nor give him back his own foul words, 
 
 Though sometimes commoners, or lords, 
 \nd kept them prisoners of course, For being sober at ill hours j 
 
 10 
 
146 HUDIBRAS. PART in. 
 
 That in the morning he might free Or bind 'em over for his fee. 
 
 Made monsters fine, and puppet-plays, 
 
 For leave to practise, in their ways ; 
 
 Farm'd out all cheats, and went a share 
 
 With th' headborough and scavenger ; 
 
 And made the dirt i' th' streets compound 
 
 For taking up the public ground : 
 The kennel, and the King's highway, For being unmolested, pay, 
 
 Let out the stocks, and whipping-post, 
 
 And cage, to those that gave him most ; 
 Impos'd a tax on bakers ears, And, for false weights, on chandelers ; 
 Made victuallers and vintners fine For arbitrary ale and wine. 
 
 But was a kind and constant friend To all that regularly offend : 
 
 As residentiary bawds, And brokers that receive stol'n goods ; 
 
 That cheat in lawful mysteries, And pay church-duties, and his fees : 
 But was implacable and aukward To all that enterlop'd and hawker'd. 
 To this brave man the Knight repairs 
 
 For counsel in his law-affairs ; 
 
 And found him mounted, in his pew, 
 
 With books and money placed, for shew, 
 Like nest-eggs to make clients lay, And for his false opinion pay : 
 
 To whom the Knight, with comely grace, 
 
 Put off his hat, to put his case : 
 Which he as proudly entertained As th' other courteously strain'd ; 
 
 And, to assure him 'twas not that He look'd for, bid him put on's hat. 
 >\ Quoth he, There is one Sidrophel, 
 / Whom I have cudgelPd — Very well. 
 
 And now he brags t' have beaten me ; — 
 
 Better, and better still, quoth he : 
 And vows to stick me to a wall, Where-e'er he meets me — Best of all. 
 
 'Tis true the knave has taken' s oath 
 
 That I robb'd him— Well done, in troth. 
 
 When h' has confessed, he stole my cloak, 
 
 And pick'd my fob, and what he took ; 
 
 Which was the cause that made me bang him, 
 
 And take my goods again — Marry hang him. 
 
 Now, whether I should before-hand 
 
 Swear he robb'd me ? — I understand. 
 
 Or bring my action of conversion 
 
 And trover for my goods ? — Ah, whoreson. 
 Or, if 'tis better to indite, And bring him to his trial ? — Right ; 
 
 Prevent what he designs to do, 
 
 And swear for th' state against him ? — True. 
 Or, whether he that is defendant, In this case, has the better end on't ; 
 
 Who, putting in a new cross-bill, 
 
 May traverse the action ? — Better still. 
 Then there's a Lady too, — Ay, marry, That's easily proved accessary ; 
 A Widow, who, by solemn vows Contracted to me, for my spouse, 
 
 Combin'd with him to break her word, 
 
 And has abetted all — Good Lord ! 
 Suborn'd th' aforesaid Sidrophel, To tamper with the devil of hell ; 
 
CANTO in. HUDIBRAS. itf 
 
 Who put m' into a horrid fear, Fear of my life — Make that appear. 
 Made an assault with fiends and men Upon my body — Good again. 
 And kept me in a deadly fright, And false imprisonment, all night, 
 
 Mean while they robb'd me, and my horse, 
 
 And stole my saddle — worse and worse. 
 
 And made me mount upon the bare ridge, 
 
 T ? avoid a wretcheder miscarriage. 
 r -._. -Sir, quoth the lawyer, Not to flatter ye, 
 i You have as good and fair a battery, 
 J As heart can v/ish, and need not shame 
 
 The proudest man alive to claim. 
 For, if th' have us'd you, as you say, Marry, quoth I, God give you joy; 
 I would it were my case, I'd give More than I'll say, or you'll believe : 
 
 I would so trounce her, and her purse, 
 
 I'd make her kneel for better or worse ; 
 For matrimony, and hanging here, Both go by destiny so clear, 
 
 That you as sure may pick and choose, 
 
 As cross I win, and pile you lose : 
 And, if I durst, I would advance As much in ready maintenance, 
 
 As upon any case I've known ; But we that practise dare not own : 
 The law severely contrabands Our taking bus'ness off men's hands ; 
 'Tis common barratry that bears Point-blank an action 'gainst our ears, 
 And crops them till there is no leather To stick a pin in left of either ; 
 
 For which, some do the summer-sault, 
 
 And o'er the bar, like tumblers, vault. 
 But you may swear at any rate, Things not in nature, for the state : 
 For, in all courts of justice here, A witness Is not said to swear, 
 
 But make oath ; that is, in plain terms, 
 
 To forge whatever he affirms. 
 
 (I thank you, quoth the Knight, for that, 
 
 Because 'tis to my purpose pat — ) 
 
 For Justice, though she's painted blind, 
 
 Is to the weaker side inclin'd, 
 Like charity ; else right and wrong Could never hold it out so long, 
 And, like blind Fortune, with a slight, Convey men's interest and right, 
 From Stiles's pocket, into Nokes's, As easily as hocus pocus : 
 
 Plays fast and loose, makes men obnoxious, 
 
 And clear again, like hiccius doctius. 
 
 Then, whether you would take her life, 
 
 Or but recover her for your wife, 
 Or be content with what she has, And let all other matters pass, 
 
 The bus'ness to the law's alone, The proof is all it looks upon : 
 
 And you can want no witnesses To swear to any thing you please, 
 
 That hardly get their mere expenses By th' labour of their consciences : 
 Or letting out, to hire, their ears To affidavit-customers, 
 
 At inconsiderable values, To serve for jury-men, or tales, 
 
 Although retain'd in the hardest matters 
 
 Of trustees and administrators. 
 For that, quoth he, let me alone ; 
 
 W have store of such, and all our own, 
 
 Bred up and tutor'd by our teachers, 
 
 The ablest of conscience-stretchers. 
 
 10 — 2 
 
148 HUD1BRAS. PART in. 
 
 That's well, quoth he, but I should guess 
 
 By weighing all advantages, 
 Your surest way is first to pitch On Bongey, for a water-witch ; 
 
 And, when y' have hang'd the conjurer, 
 
 Y' have time enough to deal with her, 
 In th ? int'rim spare for no trepans To draw her neck into the banes : 
 
 Ply her with love-letters and billets, 
 
 And bait 'em well, for quirks and quillets, 
 
 With trains t' inveigle and surprise 
 
 Her heedless answers and replies : 
 
 And, if she miss the mouse-trap lines, 
 
 They'll serve for other by-designs ; 
 And make an artist understand To copy out her seal, or hand ; 
 
 Or find void places in the paper 
 
 To steal in something to intrap her ; 
 
 Till with her worldly goods, and body, 
 
 Spite of her heart, she has endow'd ye : 
 
 Retain all sorts of witnesses, 
 
 That ply i' th' Temples, under trees ; 
 * Or walk the round, with knights o' th' posts, 
 
 About the cross-legg'd knights, their hosts ; 
 Or wait for customers between The pillar-rows in Lincoln's-inn ; 
 
 Where vouchers, forgers, common-bail, And affidavit-men ne'er fail 
 
 T' expose to sale all sorts of oaths, 
 
 According to their ears and cloaths, 
 Their only necessary tools, Besides the gospel and their souls, 
 
 And, when y' are furnish'd with all purveys, 
 
 I shall be ready at your service. 
 I would not give, quoth Hudibras, A straw to understand a case, 
 Without the admirable skill To wind and manage it at will ; 
 
 To veer and tack, and steer a cause, 
 
 Against the weather-gage of laws ; 
 And ring the changes upon cases, As plain as noses upon faces ; 
 
 As you have well instructed me, 
 
 For which you've earn'd (here 'tis) your fee : 
 I long to practise your advice, And try the subtle artifice ; 
 
 To bait a letter, as you bid : As, not long after, thus he did : 
 
 For, having pump'd up all his wit, And hum'd upon it, thus he writ. 
 
 AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 
 
 I Arr 
 
 I, who was once as great as Csesar, 
 
 Am now reduc'd to Nebuchadnezzar ; 
 And from as fam'd a conqueror As ever took degree in war, 
 
 Or did his exercise in battle, 
 
 By you turn'd out to graze with cattle : 
 For since I am deny'd access To all my earthly happiness, 
 
 Am fallen from the paradise Of your good graces, and fair eyes, 
 
HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. j 49 
 
 Lost to the world, and you, I'm sent To everlasting banishment ; 
 
 Where all the hopes I had t' have won 
 
 Your heart, being dash'd, will break my own. 
 Yet if you were not so severe To pass your doom before you hear, 
 
 You'ld find, upon my just defence, 
 
 How much y' have wrong'd my innocence. 
 That once I made a vow to you, Which yet is unperformed, 'tis true ; 
 But not, because it is unpaid, 'Tis violated, though delay'd : 
 
 Or, if it were, it is no fault, So heinous as you'ld have it thought ; 
 
 To undergo the loss of ears, Like vulgar hackney perjurers : 
 
 For there's a difference in the case, Between the noble and the base ; 
 Who always are observ'd t' have done't Upon as different an account : 
 The one for great and weighty cause, To salve, in honour, ugly flaws ; 
 
 For none are like to do it sooner, 
 
 Than those who are nicest of their honour : 
 The other, for base gain and pay, Forswear and perjure by the day ; 
 
 And make th' exposing and retailing 
 
 Their souls and consciences a calling, 
 
 It is no scandal, nor aspersion, Upon a great and noble person, 
 
 To say, he naturally abhorr'd The old-fashion'd trick, to keep his word, 
 
 Though 'tis perfidiousness and shame, In meaner men, to do the same : 
 
 For to be able to forget Is found more useful to the great, 
 
 Than gout, or deafness, or bad eyes, 
 
 To make 'em pass for wond'rous wise. 
 But though the law, on perjurers, Inflicts the forfeiture of ears, 
 
 It is not just, that does exempt The guilty, and punish the innocent ; 
 
 To make the ears repair the wrong 
 
 Committed by th' ungovern'd tongue ; 
 And, when one member is forsworn, Another to be cropp'd or torn. 
 And if you should, as you design, By course of law, recover mine, 
 
 You're like, if you consider right, To gain but little honour by't 
 
 >For he that for his lady's sake 
 ( Lays down his life, or limbs, at stake, 
 
 Does not so much deserve her favour 
 
 As he that pawns his soul to have her. 
 
 This y' have acknowledg'd I have done, 
 
 Although you now disdain to own : 
 
 But sentence what you rather ought 
 
 T' esteem good service, than a fault. 
 
 Besides, oaths are not bound to bear 
 
 That literal sense the words infer : 
 But, by the practice of the age, Are to be judg'd how far th' engage ; 
 
 And, where the sense by custom's check'd, 
 
 Are found void, and of none effect. 
 For no man takes or keeps a vow, But just as he sees others do ; 
 
 Nor are th' obliged to be so brittle, 
 
 As not to yield and bow a little : 
 
 For as best-tempered blades are found, 
 
 Before they break, to bend quite round, ■ 
 
 So truest oaths are still most tough, 
 
 And, though they bow, are breaking proof. 
 
150 HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 
 
 Then wherefore should they not be allow'd 
 In love a greater latitude ? 
 For, as the law of arms approves 
 All ways to conquest, so should love's ; 
 And not be ty'd to true or false, But make that justest that prevails : 
 For how can that which is above All empire, high and mighty love, 
 Submit its great prerogative To any other power alive ? 
 
 Shall love, that to no crown gives place, 
 Become the subject of a case ? 
 The fundamental law of nature Be over-rul'd by those made after ? 
 
 Commit the censure of its cause To any, but its own great laws ? 
 
 1 Love that's the world's preservative, 
 : That keeps all souls of things alive ; 
 Controuls the mighty power of fate, 
 And gives mankind a longer date ; 
 The life of nature, that restores, As fast as time and death devours ; 
 To whose free gift the world does owe, 
 Not only earth, but heaven too : 
 For love's the only trade that's driven, 
 The interest of state in heaven, 
 Which nothing, but the soul of man, Is capable to entertain. 
 
 For what can earth produce, but love, To represent the joys above ? 
 Or who, but lovers, can converse, Like angels, by the eye-discourse ? 
 Address and compliments by vision, Make love and court by intuition ? 
 And burn in amorous flames as fierce As those celestial ministers ? 
 Then how can any thing offend, In order to so great an end ? 
 
 Or heav'n itself a sin resent, That for its own supply was meant ? 
 
 That merits, in a kind mistake, A pardon for th' offence's sake, 
 
 Or, if it did not, but the cause Were left to th' injury of laws, 
 
 What tyranny can disapprove There should be equity in love ? 
 
 For laws that are inanimate, And feel no sense of love or hate ; 
 
 That have no passion of their own, Nor pity to be wrought upon ; 
 
 Are only proper to inflict Revenge on criminals as strict : 
 
 But to have power to forgive Is empire, and prerogative ; 
 
 And 'tis in crowns a nobler gem To grant a pardon, than condemn. 
 Then, since so few do what they ought, 
 ; Tis great t' indulge a well-meant fault ; 
 For why should he who made address, 
 All humble ways, without success, 
 And met with nothing in return But insolence, affronts, and scorn, 
 
 Not strive by wit to countermine, And bravely carry his design ? 
 
 He who was us'd so unlike a soldier, 
 Blown up with philtres of love-powder ? 
 And, after letting blood, and purging, 
 Condemn'd to voluntary scourging : 
 Alarm'd with many a horrid fright, And claw'd by goblins in the night ; 
 Insulted on, revil'd, and jeer'd, With rude invasion of his beard ; 
 
 And, when your sex was foully scandal'd, 
 As foully by the rabble handled : 
 Attack'd by despicable foes, 
 And drubb'd with mean and vulgar blows ; 
 
HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. I g I 
 
 And, after all, to be debarr'd So much as standing on his guard ; 
 
 When horses, being spurred and prick'd, 
 
 Have leave to kick, for being kicked ? 
 Or why should you, whose mother- wits 
 
 Are furnished with all perquisites, 
 That with your breeding teeth begin, And nursing babies that lie in, 
 B' allowed to put all tricks upon Our cully sex, and we use none ? 
 
 We who have nothing but frail vows, 
 
 Against your stratagems t' oppose, 
 
 Or oaths more feeble than your own, 
 
 By which we are no less put down ? 
 
 You wound like Parthians, while you fly, 
 
 And kill with a retreating eye : 
 Retire the more, the more we press, To draw us into ambushes : 
 
 As pirates all false colours wear, T' entrap th' unwary mariner ; 
 
 jSo women, to surprise us, spread 
 /The borrowed flags of white and red ; 
 I Display 'em thicker on their cheeks, 
 
 Than their old grandmothers, the Picts ; 
 
 And raise more devils with their looks, 
 
 Than conjurers less subtle books. 
 Lay trains of amorous intrigues, In towers, and curls, and perriwigs, 
 
 With greater art and cunning reared, 
 
 Than Philip Nye's thanksgiving beard ; 
 Preposterously t' entice and gain Those to adore 'em they disdain ; 
 
 And only draw 'em in to clog, - With idle names, a catalogue. 
 
 A lover is, the more he's brave, 
 
 T' his mistress, but the more a slave ; 
 And whatsoever she commands, Becomes a favour from her hands ; 
 Which he's oblig'd t' obey, and must, Whether it be unjust or just. 
 
 Then, when he is compelled by her 
 
 T' adventures he would else forbear, 
 
 Who, with his honour, can withstand, 
 
 Since force is greater than command ? 
 And, when necessity's obey'd, Nothing can be unjust or bad : 
 
 And therefore, when the mighty powers 
 
 Of love, our great ally, and yours, 
 Join'd forces not to be withstood By frail enamour'd flesh and blood ; 
 All I have done, unjust or ill, Was in obedience to your will ; 
 
 And all the blame that can be due, Falls to your cruelty and you. 
 
 Nor are those scandals I confess'd Against my will and interest 
 
 More than is daily done of course, 
 
 By all men, when they're under force. 
 
 Whence some, upon the rack, confess 
 
 What th' hangman and their prompters please ; 
 ,- But are no sooner out of pain. Than they deny it all again. 
 
 But, when the devil turns confessor, 
 
 Truth is a crime he takes no pleasure 
 
 To hear or pardon, like the founder 
 
 Of liars, whom they all claim under : 
 And therefore, when I told him none, I think it was the wiser done. 
 
*5* 
 
 HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 
 
 Nor am I without precedent, The first that on th' adventure v/ent ; 
 All mankind ever did of course, And daily does the same, or worse. 
 For what romance can shew a lover, That had a lady to recover, 
 
 And did not steer a nearer course, To fall a-board in his amours ? 
 
 And what at first was held a crime, Has turn'd to honourable in time. 
 g^To what a height did infant Rome, By ravishing of women, come ? 
 T When men upon their spouses seiz'd, 
 And freely married where they pleas'd : 
 They ne'er forswore themselves, nor ly'd, 
 Nor, in the mind they were in, dy'd ; 
 Nor took the pains t' address and sue, 
 Nor play'd the masquerade to woo ; 
 Disdain'd to stay for friends consents, Nor juggled about settlements ; 
 Did need not license, nor no priest, Nor friends, nor kindred, to assist ; 
 Nor lawyers, to join land and money, 
 In th' holy state of matrimony 
 Before they settled hands and hearts Till alimony, or death, departs : 
 Nor would endure to stay until 
 Th' had got the very bride's good will, 
 But took a wise and shorter course 
 To win the ladies, down-right force : 
 And justly made 'em prisoners then, 
 As they have, often since, us men; 
 With acting plays, and dancing jigs, The luckiest of all love's intrigues; 
 And, when they had them at their pleasure, 
 Then talk'd of love and flames at leisure: 
 For, after matrimony's over, He that holds out, but half a lover, 
 
 Deserves, for every minute more, Than half a year of love before ; 
 
 For which the dames in contemplation 
 Of that best way of application, 
 Prov'd nobler wives than e'er were known, 
 By suit, or treaty, to be won ; 
 And such as all posterity Could never equal, nor come nigh. 
 
 For women first were made for men, 
 Not men for them. — It follows, then, 
 That men have right to every one, And they no freedom of their own : 
 And therefore men have power to chuse. 
 But they no charter to refuse. 
 Hence 'tis apparent, that, what course 
 Soe'er we take to your amours, 
 Though by the indirectest way, 'Tis no injustice, nor foul play ; 
 
 j And that you ought to take that course, 
 As we take you, for better or worse ; 
 And gratefully submit to those Who you, before another, chose. 
 
 For why should every savage beast Exceed his great Lord's interest ? 
 Have freer power, than he, in grace And nature, o'er the creature has ? 
 Because the laws he since has made, Have cut off all the power he had; 
 Retrench'd the absolute dominion That nature gave him over women ; 
 When all his power will not extend One law of nature to suspend : 
 
 And but to offer to repeal The smallest clause is to rebel; 
 
 This, if men rightly understood Their privilege, they would make good. 
 
THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT. 
 
 *53 
 
 And not, like sots, permit their wives 
 
 T' encroach on their prerogatives, 
 For which sin they deserve to be Kept, as they are, in slavery : 
 
 And this some precious gifted teachers, 
 
 Unreverently reputed leachers, 
 And disobey'd in making love, Have vow'd to all the world to prove, 
 And make ye suffer, as you ought, For that uncharitable fault. 
 
 But I forget myself, and rove Beyond th' instructions of my love. 
 
 Forgive me, Fair, and only blame Th' extravagancy of my flame, 
 Since ; tis too much at once to show Excess of love and temper too. 
 All I have said that's bad and true, Was never meant to aim at you ; 
 
 Who have so sovereign a controul 
 
 O'er that poor slave of yours, my soul, 
 That, rather than to forfeit you, Has ventured loss of heaven too ; 
 
 Both with an equal power possess'd, 
 
 To render all that serve you bless'd : 
 
 But none ]ike him, who's destined either 
 
 To have, or lose you, both together. 
 And if you'll but this fault release, (For so it must be, since you please) 
 
 I'll pay down all that vow, and more, 
 
 Which you commanded and I swore, 
 And expiate upon my skin, Th' arrears in full of all my sin. 
 
 For 'tis but just that I should pay Th' accruing penance, for delay, 
 Which shall be done, until it move Your equal pity and your love. 
 
 ; -~"— -- The Knight perusing this Epistle, 
 
 Believ'd h' had brought her to his whistle ; 
 
 And read it like a jocund lover, 
 
 With great applause t' himself, twice over ; 
 Subscrib'd his name, but at a fit And humble distance to his wit ; 
 
 And dated it with wondrous art, Giv'n from th' bottom of his heart ; 
 Then seal'd it with his coat of love, A smoking fagot, — and above, 
 
 Upon a scroll — I burn and weep, And near it — For her Ladyship, 
 
 Of all her sex most excellent, These to her gentle hands present. 
 
 Then gave it to his faithful Squire, 
 
 With lessons how t' observe and eye her : 
 She first considered which was better, 
 
 To send it back, or burn the letter. 
 
 But, guessing that it might import, 
 
 Though nothing else, at least her sport, 
 She open'd it, and read it out, With many a smile and leering flout ; 
 Resoled to answer it in kind, And thus perform'd what she design'd. 
 
 THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT. 
 
 That you're a beast, and turn'd to grass, 
 
 s Is no strange news, nor ever was, 
 At least to me, who once, you know, Did from the pound replevin you 
 When both your sword and spurs were won, 
 In combat, by an Amazon : 
 
154 
 
 THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT. 
 
 That sword, that did (like fate) determine 
 
 Th' inevitable death of vermin, 
 And never dealt its furious blows, But cut the throats of pigs and cows, 
 By Trulla, was in single fight, Disarmed and wrested from its Knight ; 
 Your heels degraded of your spurs, And in the stocks close prisoners, 
 
 Where still they'd lain, in base restraint ; 
 
 If I, in pity of your complaint, 
 
 Had not, on honourable conditions, 
 
 Released 'em from the worst of prisons ; 
 
 And what return that favour met, 
 
 You cannot (though you would) forget ; 
 
 When, being free, you strove t' evade, 
 
 The oaths you had in prison made ; 
 Forswore yourself, and first deny'd it, But after own'd and justify'd it ; 
 
 And when y' had falsely broke one vow, 
 
 Absolved yourself, by breaking two, 
 For while you sneakingly submit, And beg for pardon at our feet, 
 
 Discouraged by your guilty fears, To hope for quarter for your ears ; 
 And, doubting, 'twas in vain to sue ; You claim us boldly as your due ; 
 Declare that treachery and force, To deal with us, is th' only course ; 
 We have no title nor pretence To body, soul or conscience : 
 
 But ought to fall to that man's share 
 
 That claims us for his proper ware. 
 These are the motives which t' induce, Or fright us into love, you use : 
 A pretty new way of gallanting, Between soliciting and ranting, 
 
 Like sturdy beggars that entreat For charity at once and threat. 
 
 But, since you undertake to prove Your own propriety in love, 
 
 As if we were but lawful prize In war between two enemies ; 
 
 Or forfeitures, which every lover, 
 
 That would but sue for might recover ; 
 It is not hard to understand The myst'ry of this bold demand ; 
 
 That cannot at our persons aim, But something capable of claim. 
 
 ? Tis not those paultry counterfeit 
 
 French stones, which in our eyes you set, 
 
 But our right diamonds, that inspire 
 
 And set youram'rous hearts on fire: 
 
 Nor can those false St. Martin's beads 
 
 Which on your lips you lay for reds, 
 
 And make us wear like Indian dames, 
 
 Add fuel to your scorching flames ; 
 But those true rubies of the rock, Which in our cabinets we lock. 
 
 ; Tis not those orient pearls, our teeth, 
 
 That you are so transported with ; 
 But those we wear about our necks, Produce those amorous effects : 
 
 Nor is't those threads of gold, our hair, 
 
 The perriwigs you make us wear ; 
 
 But those bright guineas in our chests, 
 
 That light the wild-fire in your breasts. 
 
 These love-tricks I've been vers'd in so, 
 
 That all their sly intrigues I know, 
 And can unriddle by their tones, Their mystic cabals and jargons : 
 
THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT. 
 
 155 
 
 t Can tell what passions, by their sounds, 
 Pine for the beauties of my grounds ; 
 What raptures fond and amorous 
 O' th' charms and graces of my house ; 
 What extasy, and scorching flame. Burns for my money, in my name : 
 What, from the unnatural desire To beasts and cattle, takes its fire ; 
 What tender sigh, and trickling tear, 
 Longs for a thousand pounds a year ; 
 And languishing transports are fond 
 Of statute, mortgage, bill, and bond. 
 
 These are th' attracts which most men fall 
 Enamoured, at first sight, withal ; 
 To these th' address with serenades, 
 And courts, with balls and masquerades ; 
 And yet, for all the yearning pain 
 Y ; have suffer'd for their loves, in vain, 
 I fear they'll prove so nice and coy, To have, and t' hold, and to enjoy : 
 That, all your oaths and labour lost, 
 They'll ne'er turn ladies of the post. 
 This is not meant to disapprove 
 Your judgment, in your choice of love, 
 Which is so wise, the greatest part, Of mankind study't as an art ; 
 
 For love should, like a deodand, Still fall to th' owner of the land : 
 
 And, where there's substance for its ground, 
 Cannot but be more firm and sound 
 Than that which has the slighter basis Of airy virtue, wit and graces : 
 Which is of such thin subtlety, It steals and creeps in at the eye, 
 
 And, as it can't endure to stay, Steals out again, as nice a way. 
 
 But love, that its extraction owns 
 From solid gold, and precious stones, 
 Must, like its shining parents, prove As solid and as glorious love. 
 
 Hence 'tis, you have no way t' express 
 Our charms and graces, but by these ; 
 For what are lips, and eyes, and teeth, 
 Which beauty invades and conquers with ; 
 But rubies, pearls, and diamonds, With which a philtre love commands. 
 / This is the way all parents prove, In managing their children's love ; 
 That force 'em t' intermarry and wed, As if th' were bur'ing of the dead; 
 Cast earth to earth, as in the grave, 
 To join in wedlock all they have ; 
 And, when the settlement's in force, 
 Take all the rest, for better or worse : 
 JFor money has a power above The stars, and fate, to manage love ; 
 Whose arrows learned poets hold, 
 That never miss, are tipp'd with gold. 
 And, though some say, the parents claims 
 To make love in their children's names, 
 Who, many times, at once provide 
 The nurse, the husband, and the bride, 
 Feel darts and charms, attracts and flames, 
 And woo and contracts in their names ; 
 
156 THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT 
 
 And, as they christen, use to marry 'em, 
 
 And, like their gossips, answer for 'em : 
 Is not to give in matrimony, But sell and prostitute for money. 
 
 'Tis better than their own betrothing, 
 
 Who often do't for worse than nothing : 
 
 And, when they're at their own dispose, 
 
 With greater disadvantage chuse. 
 All this is right ; but, for the course You take to do't, by fraud, or force, 
 'Tis so ridiculous, as soon As told, 'tis never to be done, 
 
 No more than fetters can betray That tell what tricks they are to play. 
 AMarriage at best is but a vow, Which all men either break, or bow. 
 / Then what will those forbear to do, 
 
 Who perjure, when they do but woo ? 
 Such as before-hand swear and lye, For earnest to their treachery ; 
 And, rather than a crime confess, With greater strive to make it less : 
 
 Like thieves, who, after sentence past, 
 
 Maintain their innocence to the last ; 
 
 And when their crimes were made appear, 
 
 As plain as witnesses can swear, 
 /Yet, when the wretches come to die, Will take upon their death a lye. 
 ' Nor are the virtues, you confess'd T ; your ghostly father, as you guess'd, 
 So slight, as to be justify'd, By being as shamefully den^d. 
 
 As if you thought your word would pass, 
 Point-blank on both sides of a case ; 
 Or credit were not to be lost, B' a brave knight-errant of the post, 
 
 That eats, perfidiously, his word, 
 
 And swears his ears, thro' a two inch board ; 
 Can own the same thing, and disown, And perjure booty, pro and conj 
 Can make the gospel serve his turn, And help him out, to be forsworn ; 
 
 When 'tis laid hands upon, and kiss'd, 
 
 To be betray'd and sold, like Christ. 
 
 These are the virtues, in whose name, 
 
 Aright to all the world you claim, 
 And boldly challenge a dominion, In grace and nature, o'er all women : 
 Of whom no less will satisfy, Than all the sex, your tyranny. 
 
 Although you'll find it a hard province, 
 
 With all your crafty frauds and covins, 
 To govern such a num'rous crew, Who, one by one, now govern you : 
 For if you all were Solomons, And wise and great as he was once, 
 
 You'll find they're able to subdue, (As they did him) and baffle you. 
 And, if you are impos'd upon, 'Tis by your own temptation done, 
 
 That with your ignorance invite, And teach us how to use the slight 
 
 For when we find y* are still more taken 
 
 With false attracts of our own making, 
 Swear that's a rose, and that a stone, Like sots, to us that laid it on ; 
 And what we did but slightly prime, Most ignorantly daub in rhyme ; 
 You force us, in our own defences, To copy beams and influences ; 
 To lay perfections on the graces, And draw attracts upon our faces ; 
 And, in compliance to your wit, Your own false jewels counterfeit. 
 
 For, by the practice of those arts, We gain a greater share of hearts ; 
 
THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT 
 
 J 57 
 
 f 
 
 And those deserve in reason most, That greatest pains and study cost : 
 For great perfections are, like heav'n, Too rich a present to be given. 
 
 Nor are those master-strokes of beauty 
 
 To be performed without hard duty ; 
 Which, when they're nobly done, and well, The simple natural excell. 
 
 How fair and sweet the planted rose 
 
 Beyond the wild in hedges grows ; 
 For, without art, the noblest seeds Of flow'rs degen'rate into weeds. 
 How dull and rugged, ere 'tis ground And polished, looks a diamond ? 
 Though paradise were e'er so fair, It was not kept so, without care. 
 
 The whole world, without art and dress, 
 
 Would be but one great wilderness ; 
 And mankind but a savage herd, For all that nature has conferred. 
 
 This does but rough-hew and design, Leaves art to polish and refine. 
 
 Though women first were made for men, 
 
 Yet men were made for them again : 
 For when (out-witted by his wife) Man first turned tenant but for life, 
 If women had not interven'd, How soon had mankind had an end ! 
 And that it is in being yet, To us alone, you are in debt. 
 
 And where's your liberty of choice, And our unnatural no-voice ? 
 
 Since all the privilege you boast, And falsely usurp'd, or vainly lost, 
 Is now our right, to whose creation You owe your happy restoration. 
 And if we had not weighty cause To not appear in making laws, 
 
 We could, in spite of all your tricks, And shallow formal politics, 
 
 Force you our managements t' obey, 
 / As we to yours (in shew) give way. 
 
 Hence 'tis that while you vainly strive 
 
 T' advance your high prerogative, 
 
 You basely, after all your braves, 
 
 Submit, and own yourselves our slaves : 
 
 And 'cause we do not make it known, 
 
 Nor publicly our int'rests own ; 
 
 Like sots, suppose we have no shares 
 
 In ordering you and your affairs : 
 
 When all your empire and command 
 
 You have from us, at second hand : 
 As if a pilot, that appears To sit still only, while he steers, 
 
 And does not make a noise and stir, Like every common mariner, 
 
 Knew nothing of the card, nor star, 
 
 And did not guide the man of war : 
 Nor we, because we don't appear In councils, do not govern there : 
 
 While, like the mighty Prester John, 
 
 Whose person none dares look upon, 
 
 But is preserv'd in close disguise, 
 
 From being made cheap to vulgar eyes, 
 W enjoy as large a power unseen, To govern him, as he does men : 
 
 And, in the right of our Pope Joan, 
 
 Make emp'rors at our feet fall down ; 
 Or Joan de Pucel's braver name Our right to arms and conduct claim"; 
 
 Who, though a spinster, yet was able 
 
 To serve France for a grand constable. 
 
158 THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT. 
 
 /> We make and execute all laws, 
 f Can judge the judges and the cause ; 
 
 Prescribe all rules of right or wrong 
 
 To th' long robe and the longer tongue ; 
 
 'Gainst which the world has no defence, 
 
 But our more powerful eloquence. 
 We manage things of greatest weight, In all the world's affair of state ; 
 Are ministers of war and peace, That sway all nations, how we please. 
 We rule all churches, and their flocks, Heretical and orthodox, 
 
 And are the heavenly vehicles O' th' spirits in all conventicles : 
 
 By us is all commerce and trade Improved, and managed, and decay'd ; 
 For nothing can go off so well, Nor bears that price, as what we sell. 
 
 We rule in every public meeting, 
 
 And make men do what we judge fitting ; 
 
 Are magistrates in all great towns, 
 
 Where men do nothing but wear gowns. 
 We make the man of war strike sail, And to our braver conduct veil, 
 And, when h' has chac'd his enemies, Submit to us upon his knees. 
 Js there an officer of state, Untimely rais'd, or magistrate, 
 
 That's haughty and imperious ? He's but a journeyman to us ; 
 
 That, as he gives us cause to do't, Can keep him in, or turn him out. 
 We are young guardians that increase, 
 
 Or waste your fortunes how we please ; 
 And, as you humour us, can deal, In all your matters, ill or well. 
 
 'Tis we that can dispose alone, 
 
 Whether your heirs shall be your own, 
 To whose integrity you must, In spite of all your caution, trust ; 
 
 And, 'less you fly beyond the seas, 
 
 Can fit you with what heirs we please ; 
 
 And force you t' own 'em, though begotten 
 
 By French valets, or Irish footmen. 
 Nor can the rigorousest course Prevail, unless to make us worse ; 
 
 Who still, the harsher we are us'd, Are further off from being reduc'd ; 
 And scorn t' abate, for any ills, The least punctilios of our wills. 
 
 Force does but whet our wits t' apply Arts, born with us, for remedy ; 
 Which all your politics, as yet, Have ne'er been able to defeat : 
 
 For, when y' have try'd all sorts of ways, 
 
 What fools d'we make of you in plays ? 
 While all the favours we afford, Are but to girt you with the sword, 
 
 To fight our battles in our steads, 
 
 And have your brains beat out o' your heads ; 
 
 Encounter, in despite of nature, 
 
 And fight, at once, with fire and water, 
 
 With pirates, rocks, and storms, and seas, 
 
 Our pride and vanity t' appease ; 
 
 Kill one another, and cut throats, 
 
 For our good graces and best thoughts ; 
 
 To do your exercise for honour, 
 
 And have your brains beat out the sooner ; 
 Or crack'd, as learnedly, upon Things that are never to be known : 
 
 And still appear the more industrious, 
 
 The more your projects are prepost'rous ; 
 
THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT 159 
 
 To square the circle of the arts, And run stark mad to shew your parts; 
 Expound the oracle of laws, And turn them which way we see cause ; 
 Be our solicitors and agents, And stand for us in all engagements. 
 
 And these are all the mighty powers 
 
 You vainly boast, to cry down ours ; 
 And what in real value's wanting Supply with vapouring and ranting. 
 Because yourselves are terrify'd, And stoop to one another's pride ; 
 Believe we have as little wit To be out-hectored and submit ; 
 
 By your example, lose that right 
 
 In treaties, which we gain'd in fight ; 
 And, terrify'd into an awe, Pass on ourselves a Salic law : 
 
 Or, as some nations use, give place, 
 
 And truckle to your mighty race, 
 
 Let men usurp th 7 unjust dominion, 
 
 As if they were the better women. 
 
 THE END. 
 
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