Class __r^L35^^ COPi-RIGHT DEPOSm J. E. NASH. 1370 BROADWAY, Cor. 37th Street. NEW YORK THE HIGH COST OF LOVING ACT §MMUtitHfiftMmttUMm t fft§ tt §UMt0f»HUfK»HtttftHm9 J ■J" TBI HTOH OOST OF lO^NO -|" A P«ro» In Thr»« Acts Bj_ PRANK M AND EL (Fotmded on th» Cteman) / ##if'#i#jiy##iiy######iWi ft#j y^#.?^^ ##i ^.^ ^^^ JAN 29 1914 -t" A g T I "I" BiMA^ hi 8 Mfe, CORA, thertr daughtey» gpfTARr HAUSER . BBaMt *B byothet* « Bywr of Hau8er»B»ftn b»er , R08By hi a daughter, OouBln of Cora* a. AI-BEgT BKAN. QBcm's brother-in-law, lAlfftENOS TUCntERf a laayr, flOT>yREY BTJRNHAM, of Rt. PquI. MATHIIM^ hi a i>it f «. WO ST. BtmmiAM. their aon. T,BWA, Bald at KH nkalt*. gSJElgi All three acta taka plaoa in the h ma of KUnke . -I- A T X -r gOEKg t JSMBt A parlor In th* hon* of ludiiif e Kllnke. W lwaukae , Poor THi^t* Pear Oanter large foldirm d oors to halltwy t>goltlns* To Loft of door C, & door laadi ng to a oloeet, roor left leaaing to library, THglit Hrat a tloor leading to a pcrOh and then out into rarcl» Roon furnished, aa would baooma a wall' But furnltura and drapariaa in aide to^do loarehant, poor taste and a jar of oolors, anoh as mlgtit be seteoted ty e Qeraan lyonan vi th more mo nay th an Abcat foi ir in the afternoon* At rlee emp ty atane* COHAt (Plteka tn frc«a door R, oautlously. runs to G, nn^ calls) Lena/ Well, Mlsffl rjora/ I CIA! 1lhere*8 Mamma ? CJOnAl lEIfAl Out In the kl tohan, burning the pin feathers off a oM oken. Shell T oall herf OORAi No, r\%r^r tidncl, Lena. (As soon as I SNA exlta. rrmA runs to telephone) Hello^ I want 1328 Blue. — Yes — yea, lawrenoe Tuoker, Core Kllnke. lawrenoe. Thank youj llhat? But T oanH over the phone No, no. You tW nk ao beqause yesterday you were so fresh,. ...What? T,..T'm very angry with you. • .Yes. • .1 wonH have anything more to dc^th you. Hah? ( She in_it!^n^-^^-^LJ'^^*^ graduall y oyttrapreada her f>o» ) Oh7l«»«r«no« lanWdn — d«ar h«*rt. At tw«lv« o*3look tod^y? At three o'olook? Y*s,, ..,!?eh! nd the band stand In th« i^ark, Ko - T won*t - no, fSrat you mu^t ppbnise to behftve** Wiat? You oan»t ? You ought to be ashanad of ycuroelf,* But T «an*t talk to you any longer — mother id 11 be hera any ••••• ( goRA tume and eeea g^MA, who entere n., mt the euet "bmd stand*, BMMA remains up atage, 11 atena wltn growing araagemcn t ) Copa,» ^0 ^re you talkl ns to, rjora? C50RAI Bi* - er •> oouain ^oualn ??oale. Ihy ffld you tell her she ought to be aahaned of herself? OORAl well, er — or — ahe wanted me to steal out, and take a plrvate lesson In T«ir»k.»y Trotting. f Takes up the ^i^hoge) That's all rl-ht, RojS ». T oan't talk to you any lorrjer now, you unceratand, don H you SiiMjfi? mocAi ( Sngyj ot oualy. ) So sweet 9 It •• kl n»ier funny — It *n kinder funny. (Tnjure d Innooenoe ) , ^ «. ^ * Oh, raeraina — maiama, you thlnJ; your little baby would Hb to, ( tatA enters H, ) LEffAi Miss T?o ale is oal ling, , , ^\ (BMMA glwes one g asp, thgn^snatohea i>^one out^ of , j^o ra a hana; (tBHA exits 0, a» RQ Pig enters, and H stena suri-Tl sed)^ It (In phon») Tee yes, I'm het^ »tS 11/ TOiat? At three ©•olook in the park — oh, behS nC t.Ji9 b<3nd standi (Oives Oora an gmgry look) J»ll be there.* ?7hat? a Was? (In her own voiee) How dere you, sdr/ My husb»ind will (Hangg up ) ??oandal/ — ?=seandal/ !=Jhould eoiae to ne — Preojdent of the Ko there* Purity league. OOT?Al VanffaaJ £MMAt Iho 1 8 thl 8 ao?«lT?ag? OORAf f Angrily) we 1 an 't a soalawag — 1t*s T awrenoe Tuoker, BMHAS That fellowj A soori-^or-nothi ng, a lawyer and a loafer,* CTT?ltat^nf; Cote's vol oe ) She wouldn't d«»noe the Turkey ^alta — no she wouldn't drxnce the Turkey Roolo, what do you think by a girl ^at tella her Mamraa fibs? RO«?Et ftHmnft Oora a friendly no d) Oh Cora, how oould you/ EfiS'At Got to get this broken ch?^lr fixed,' (3he angrily shovea It over to extreme I,) Papa'll hear of this — that's all,' Pgpa'll hear of this/ C50R.AJ T"on 't laugh like a allly. Tt 'a all ycur fault , 4 . ROB El -i^jr fatat t Ihy m th« world did you firop In, - Juat as T told nether T waa ttlophoning you ? (51ttin>^. r:;o'ne'a huedri&sc, T^\e whole town 18 aoared. .^nd of oourae at hora© — • they rauat set an example, (Polntins to pj^on e) Oora, who la he? OCmAt ; ( Oorapletij ohange » in a voloe of rapture, !>ryl ng hnv tea ra) H«*s a lawyer -* a Voioe ma deep a« the Atlantic - six foot, \ dreaaes like Broadway, eyea th^t. shine like auto lamps, i _( Starting tov?dsM door 0,) . i It'o «o romantic. I aneak behind the band stand, close ray eyes, i stretcli out lay artos, oreep on, ealUns: "Leiuri e, donr Laur! a,»" j (SPWAir^ HAUBER entera H, ami almost rune Into Oora ^s open arras ) j Oh, it ♦s you, Unole EclvrerdJ i i Yea, child, ,,, .but I don't remember anyone ever called ne *LMr<*je^ before. OORAJ Uncle » that waa $uBt, ... * ETWAT^Tj Iho 1 3 this &Slster L^^url e? H0?5Et Papa, !»he raeans "Old Lawrence*, 5. lOSSt Ovof old aoadhman, you know Popsle* (Running her handa tIi *»QUgb v^ k pa A» tA-A akay) Eh, Pop3l»i Roaie, whentTWc^ou "PopsfJ «" rne, t know you*r« telling a fit>, Cora, yo«P roother'd T^etter* . ♦ .. • (gp.ter E ?rA ■ .) BMMAt Oh, EdimrHli You oome in the rd ok of time/ (TcCor&) (10 to your rooa at onoe« fOORA and HOSE all u out R.) BDWARr'j lh«t doea Cora mean, oallt n!;^ me "LauH e, dear Lsurlo/*? imould ycu please infoyro me, if you know who this I?!t?reno6 is? f^a, he*s« Sh,* (f^he goes to door R» » euddenly opens it and ffln'^s the t wo K irls yl th their ears to the door ) Core, up In your rooni (SI ana door ) Oh, Sdward* Kd-*ardjf Hhit sre our young girls corning to theee days? I - preaddent of the !To there* Purity League - njy daughter, behind my back has been meeting some soalawag - Lawrenoe Tueksr, l&iat/ That fellow haa the aud«(M ty to. ISVIMAS Meet Oora 'behind the band a tend. • ...Yes* EI>WAT!?8 llo thing Sttpprl SM nej ^ yoar ago when he ran for 0! ty Magifttrats, the te«gi.e took him up - investigated him. T vssd orer the report* 8. WSAAt Well? Ihroe times T r«2d it ovei% (Horr1f?od) Is It us 8ha«''.cful ac all that? If T rerneraber right, our brother-in-law Albert waa ohfldlrm^n of the «oranrttt«e, "e's r. w nderf ul 1 nveatl gator, Bosi ^e» eyes he nR « noeo — honestly, - fj v« ml leg off he oan atmell soendal* (Bnter ATBR^T BEAff H. . « em ail , iftirt wiled laan of about fifty ) ALBFT?T| ISBna — Hello Edward, Albs^'t, AL3Er?T: Awfully ;23ia. to sea you. Now r»»ll h9ve It out, !Te Is.. ••yes !l6»3 the father of triplets. TUfln't T tell you so? I ouspocted at onoe frorii the Ukeneas, Th« raan has been raarrledi fru- ye'>rs and hae fieven children. Hhaf - laisrrdnoa Tucker ? AIJS£3?T| Ood forWd,' The beer wagon Cnfwi> — Jenkins, Ah, SDVARDi thst •« another natter for tha momant *r. Hera w« are, Tn 1903 You ware talking about T^wrenoa Tucker. (Icoka I n in a pooket ) Valt a noment« (Tff!;es out a 11 ttla boo k) One B ore ant* (T-coka thro ug h book) P-Q-R-J5-T — •J' — T — Tuakar . an affair wl th a wixj tr*»?!8, (ErWAR!> nttdaas tt m a" B8ffi^ART> aiattb laai *Ky God/* gM!4A drops in a ohal r Ilka a «hoj»k) 1908 - the aaraa with tha landlady haraalf. {apWARl? f lopa In a oh air. gj?u au mblin g) 1907 to 1909 - soen travail ng with a mHUner. (E??rAR^*a and E^P-A*;* araw meet) 1910 ~ Jfnvnrv an sff i«>1 r «1 tp. si dancer. The July folloi*5 n:^ with a music h«ll 31 n^er, Tn October wS th s trapege arti st — in 1911, ,. ha rested -- 1?>1? nothlnn fepri^rkfibla. Tn 1913 — ah, hare it la -* 1 a aaen openly w5 th th^ dau^itor of a good fanrt ly nn& naeta her bahl nd the band atand. E^S^'At (ghookad. Rjamg) Va know that already « ALBsRTj You know 1 1? Who? Hf Oora. nmAi AIBEPTj Zmpoaalblei What does Kli nke aay? ar'A: 1 lHy huribsind? Thrat pi eoo of ^vood** Hie head la fUled with muatard. (ATX laug h) I have to take care of the «diola family. Co every tM ng. Well, T»va auooaeded. lia»ll have no more trouble with Cora. inwiiRCi EMMA I last »uGHn«i» 1 n Ha<^ n Sprl ns» T net Mrs • Oodfray Buwiham - a lovaly vomimi Bduoated, you oan*t imagine all aha knows about •ooking -• aoooapli Bhttd, thit ffoman understands three Mnds of •abroidsry and flva different h«h-stltohes — and a brain ,t n^rev saw no one what oould remsmbar so muoh gossip — a talker. If T nl ve you niy word there wasn't room on the poroh when She started to talk soandal* A7,BSRTi Kot the Bumharas tram «?t, Paul? Tlia Sana, Uf luok — she ha^ a son, Noel« He was bom on CJhri etreas day, so they called Msa Noel» For ar:orth1n53 that's alive that boy's got no interest. But latin, Greek, Egyptian, Babylon! an — he knows more about dead thl ngs thstn an mi«^0rtaker« ATBSRTi And Ocra loves hin? WMAt la hasn't seen ItIbi. T saw him - that's plenty,'.* "^^ two mothers 1? ^long fine* I gave her ray r^iai pe for noodles • and aiie showed I how to make apple dumplings without waatlns cvea tho peelings. But he's not In St. Paul? Qa!Af Leave it to meto fix It nl oe, ?;oel cornea h9ve tc be at tue unlrerslty. So I told his niararaa he Elxoulc! room anc' tuard y^th us. If he raam es my Cora T charge mm nc rent — If he don 't marry h9v, costs him forty dollars a raonth, ^o T oan*t lose either way. (AH lau pj-t) ( lUTWIQlUNKE enters TUaht ^rst, 're l a about fifty years o ld, a good natitred. easy going Qornru;, talT^ thin» ggrn os~ a letter In hi s hand) 9* KIINKSI ( Jo4 Tni n s th» laughtttp) You rofomora — I dldn H know thare waa a lnugh left in your bt-nea* tDlWRDl Oood day, Ludwl 3» ALBERT I My d©»r broth©i>4n*lawr.* KIIIIKEt You h«re too? All throe reforraera^ (The y walk away w^th an an^ t^Vf ^HthJ*) Say, h9ve a ol gar and ohaar up* Ha/ Thet fallcw» ''y owi husband - ha don H o^ro fo- the city for morals — he entn, drinks, an'' sleeps vlth rauatard • KUNKEf 8««athaart — not lauatard (A aide) lea. V4lUt You/ The blss*®* anaray the leag'jie haa sot « (yn Slh t anad at hi a wife, but anMoua to have It o ut) Vail, irtiy put on your glaasaa «nd go back tan, tre.it", d^rty yaara In a man's H ftt? (Poln ti ns t o Albert ) Ain *t every cow bean a oalf 'T3klns Ms wlf>i*8 hand ) Every old hen was onoa a broiler — and lt«5 natural ^ eivary aaa waa cnoe a bcy« fsmM ludwi s** 10. KUNKBl I in«3n er — BMP"? At tudtil sii Kii^n-tEt (M jklnr, saint* aL_»yA«I Br — er •• well — er — me • Baina darling, mo — but whet T say 18 — when you want to Investlsate «o fearful — invvttlgate your own selvea; go digging in your own graveyards. Ludwls» that's thfe first article in our constitution. ^e Investigate every one - exeat it our own nenbera. lhat*8 that? Ihat's that?? ATBERTi A eertifieata of raemborahlp Is a raoral guarantee, '?'« nevar Investigate our bt»o theirs. KlI?TKEf (Clearing his thr oat) Huhn«f Huh'n.' that costs it — auoh a life raambershl p? mm At (R iled with hope) Hve hundred dollars. Lule,* ^y t'l^^ tlTn«> the c^jsje is over, the mustard will be worthle»ss - all dried up." And yon kncr what he told oe, - 'TTou can make Insect potrder out of it," 12/ SMAl Uf dear tudul s$ oan yon apare m« a moment? (Sareaatl oally) Flor a ttattejp that doee do as not oonoatm austardT KLIWKEt How Ebma, QaraaJ Ctora.* BaWnd our backs «h«*s started fll rt-l ng with « jentlaraan irtxat d*you aay to that? KLTNKKt (Proudly) Utmi lf*M»t baby alwaye did takor aft or her papa. ludwl 8«* KIINKEf ( Aeg!n hunbly) Wall no^', iSrama, she's M ^hteen, '^an't kaep "^cre «1 wys in cold etcra^ » got to r.«rry scae '"f-y. So? OJrls are like e^se — whan yon don 't keap 'am In cold ■torage, 30 rotten. KIJKKEi That's ma tide of the question, ?ut Etena, it '? * n^ aarn© with girls as \t is with mustard. ??hen they're dried up, nobody wants them any more, (Taking; hev hand } You know, Bnjraa, trtien you're gplng to ll we a H f a •»! th somebody. It 's « It 'a kinder nice to lowe 'er^ s li ttla . towe? Ti dn't your mother tell YT^tl to marry 'TE? Wdn't you go end obey your mother? KlIIIKEl Vell» T was suoh a damn ob«iit an Anori o»n gi?*l«# B4MAt You ra«an to saytf you wat^ to raa«vy again^ you wouldn't pi ok mo ? Voll - well - W0II9 what '8 t}i© uao, * all this argd ng^ Ohanoos • follow nowor sots/ (SootMnsly) If our little baby lowos Mm? ^%o 1 s 1 tt Lawrenoa Tuok«r# Hhat? Hot You know hint EMFj9j KITNKP:* AlBBRTt KiTNKEt That follow,* That's the lawyer ^JirlapJ^ E!^As ttdn't T tell you so? KUNKEt Half the trouble In ny U fe that fellow has brought n^ • Wn.en my store binmod ho was the l<5wyer for the Inauranoe oompmny* last year, the f^emoerata winter! no to rua-for alderraan, • the honor of my life, and such an advert! seT^ent fo* my rtii>«tir<^ - that fellow's woto knookod rae out • 14 . BIUAI DldnH I tell you •©? KUNKE: B« w«t thd de'Vll* t*xat so* *!»• P^"^ ''ood people after n» - bo T •iin*t put no BOT»e flour In ray mustartlU Hdn't T tell you sot Don H always eey that to me.»»* That fellow - he ehouia only dare to •—- • ( OO HA haa entered , follcire d by R03S, on the cue; 'That fellow * • 3he rushes to her father and puts her eras around hlm~l " (xmAt PapaJI Oh, Papai KumEt to^ a man what took the profit out of »u«tard ? love a man fthat would take the shirt off of papa's back? It *s only that mwane ••. KUNKEi te«ve ne alone/ For the first time !n her life, your trsprwa is I EN A I ( Sn-er!n ^ "R^ anti anm3Wtaing>) Mr. Tleddmeyer • But papa, - only listen .. laiiwai Now don *t argue* BonH argue. Just like your taemr.a, always w-inta the last wcdrd. You tell that shrimp, if T aln 't good eno to be one of the olty fathers, then T ain 't ^ood enou^!! to be Ms father. 15« (KTJNKB followa LENA off » » nVm go^a 0» « [1IKE I«) You h««vd that? The '^'^^ter is settled once, goer' nnri for all • OCR A: And T w«8 so happy. ETWAHn (H old n? up hi a ha t) Rosla, - don H gat any f ool* «h notions from that pjvl, (Orcsslns to tha oi ®>r box ) Thasa oigars, T wonder If thay 'ra Tn«id© in olaan» sanitary faotoriaa* I'll taka a faw along and Investi rrata , ALBSRTi Ooodby©, frt star, (Alac golnt!; to ol gar box ) I don*t always take hJ a jud^^ant* I'll Inveotlga^s « f«w myaalf. (Bothe^tO,) WMAl ( To Cora) How I want a faw words wlth.yotu ROSFi Am T 1 n tha wajr? IM»/Al No» daar Ho«ia, stay hatfa and laam a littla sensa « ( To Cora) Ihat ha]?paned today has raada papa »n6 ma feel that Oora, you 'ra battar off raarrl ad. How there's a yotjng n-^n from ^t • Paul - Noel Bumhaia - ha *s suoh a nl 09, gooO, sw-^at boy • OOT?A| Yaa, I've mat that ki nfl. ElJMAs ma mother would like to sea hJm marH ad, ?»o, dear! «, ali»ay8 lookiiis out for your good, T told lioal ha could stop with us» 16. OORAi X think he's ooraJng today. Now, not another wort^i If you 'r* 80 ora«y to fall in lovo — thera^s a nan j allow you to fall in loY« aith. ( E3» tl ng R. ) M<^ir, not anotheap word. (WtiO haa fottflht baok har taar a) Rocfta.* Rosa at *J^*y ''*• going *o atuff na down aoraa raan's throat. R03EI W«ll, now wait. Have a look firat. Ha nay be better than ha sounrla. A man whoV3 let Ms mother dictate whom ha should nar^. R05;Sl But ycia* mother ^)!^y Mm. CKBAi UoKna'a ohol oe — manna's tanta,* look at that green draas «4 th yellow rSbtona. 'Hiatus raother'a taste.' Yellow an*^, !^eenm R0!=5E| But she said ha*** a mae, good, sweet boy . OGRAj Instead of blood, he'll have Mellln'a food In Ma velna. I'd rather narry a husband who 'd beat me on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, 1 f he aould really love me on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. 17. RO«JB| You ought to go like T tTld to a fortune teller. ?^a«arae C^jeiroa teye T '11 be very happy If I mwry a blond man » And Oon, T low blonds * And she eald he^a solng to be a deep student, a great aoholar* OORAl Oh brainy nen - they're auoh a nul eanoe*? RO??Ei And I — T lore a man with glasaea and a hl{^ forehead and., (y ^udt^Qnly atopa short «» s^ap a ) Cora - Cora.* Oh^i Cora/ OORAt Ihat 1 s It? R03EI 1 asked f^ftdarae Chelros his name. She said the first letter was Np the second - — - OORAs Yesf ROf'Ej Then she stopped — OTine out of her tranee. ?^ell ? '^oll? T)on vt you sset CORA J N - 0, N-0 - Wonaan? It could be Noel. ( A: .THQ rnr TI SD £?.!EYER ^ a good natured old S^ntl waagi, of abou^ sixty who looks like Santa 01 aus, enters left with ~ia:jHKl) TI85D0.fgyERj Ihy Bose, niiat^'s the exottement? ROfJEf I want to look In tlie aiotionary mnd see hew many naiaes b«gln Id th N - (St arta to exit with OORA, Rlg^t lat ) KIINKEi (fho hae PfOtten hd s long pipe ) All Ught. Oora • Core, run along and lea^ ne alone with your unole* (XITWKB watohes then? off and oloaea the door) lhat'8 the matter, ludwig? So mysterlouaf 8u«h** A aeerat. f^lt down* Hare a oigar. Hedemayer, this la Maaom 0* (They alt) TlSrG4B7Eni Tou get ine ourioua* KUNKEl (malnR) 9ee If anyone lain the next room? TTSt'EJ/EYS?: (Opene door 7. «, looka out ) HOp nobody thera* KUNKEt (looking out door R,) Nor here. You know ^llleis "^efm, the attorney ♦hat had In his handa, all my buslneas* Is dead* Tea. Ihey aay young Keppel haa taken orer hi a praetl ee. KUinCEi And you fjee Kepple and ny wife are distant "'y related — a aeoond eoualn or a step unole by nartiase* ?'y wife, that's all aha got • no thi ng but poor relatt one* 19 TTEDSMinrSRi TlWmVfmt 1»11 th«n, you mh »«f»ly hand over all th» papers tc Koppel - fts long as he's In the f am ly« Kn?JKEf Y«B, I have j^veti him my papers* •••all, •••••• ( Ta kes a thft ok paoket fron his vest pooket) exoept one* TIEr'!!J.B^hl nd hi a baek, eonfuaed, hold! wt g peptri ) Oood day, - Binma* Aln 't you gol ng tc gtve ma your hand ? TTSCEMSrERs Of oourse* ( looks at Kllnke In des^Mr) (KTJNKB ta kes the papers and holda then behind hi a back ) T'li give you both handa, (Holda out his hands to Bama) ludwlg — qui ok — ^ ve rae two and a half. T want to pay the but oher. KUNKBi I oan*t now# oatAt Wixy not? KLTWKEj Ily hands 0iTe full. ffisras Of what? KI.T ^TCEs I... .I've got 3U0h a lot to do • Wh^it do you tPant mone'- for again •o soon? !^o extravagant, (To Tied greyer ) Take this thing* 23 • (Frightened ) «h«t ? . . . .t Oh (Tc vilnlte) Ihtit's the natter with you? Wiiy <1o you keep your hands behind yci.tr bao3i? (Giving TTETaTET' ^ER the papers, geatloulates absent -ml ndedl y 'wl th Ms hands ) What rti(* you say? ''hat's your bacl<; for, but to put your hsnda tehlna It. (7o Rnraa) I o«n do what I li ke w1 th my own hinds • ( T^kes out )aoflkat" bookl. Here 's the money. Bnroa darling, the nost stvln^ little w1 f e 1 n the world. (looks 1 n _>iurae) I haven't got that much. Here - T ^ct raeney Ui>stai rs In my trousers* po«ket. BimAt Oh, no, you haven 't. '^•'ve been through than, KUNKEj What? (laujShlnjSL ) ftuaa, T hid It In the baok pocket. (Starts to exit H, ) EW4A: Ludwlg.* (Oroaaes to ^edeiBs yer ) rtoo<»bye. (KeoplnG hi 9 han^^s behind his back, ocnfi^aed) Ooodbye- goodbye. 24 . lh«t»s the matter irl th Win? (Exit mta and KLTNKE R.) ( Ooaa to do or Right Wrat^ oaTla> aoodbya, f7ora. OORAl (Entarlns with ROf^S « thay hava bean picking flowara ) Gooclbya, ROSES Ihat have yuu ^ot in that. paoka30 ? TIET^E?^EYER: X • • • • • I *"" (Lets the pi oture all p out cf the i ^apkag a) RO«?Ej Iho's il oture 1 s thetf (P1 okg 1 1 u p) CTJRAj A b^by# TsnH he cut©? TIET'Ef'E?fER: 01 vo re that platura right away, (?^t icking It In his veat pocket ) I must gtirt thaaa pa para to my lawyer or T won *t have a (ivi^t minute, ( ZA tl ng g, ) Goo dby e , oM 1 'Iren, ROSBt I muat go also, (Walt a ti ll TT gPEy^EYER ha a e adted, than nM a pera to '?o ca J 111 run down to tha corner drug -tore and 'phone lauria for you • Explain to hlni exactly how raatter-r stand , (Bnter I EMA 0.) 25, LENAi Ml a« 0at9i, a young man haa ealla — ©r — really T, er — T feel •!• — ar — now how shall T say it •.,...? R0S2I Oooplaoantly ooofortabla?? NOSX: Tfiat's tho Idea. Only T 'm afraid T»ll bore yotu Now, If you vera an anol ant -• for i natanoa the <^uaen of Aaayrla — RosEj Wall, I •m aorry T *m not an old rnunny. NOBLt Oh, donU ixd "lundarstand — 1 *m not, I - er - well to conf! da In you •• up to a month ago all ray woman acquaintances hacl been rlaad a few thousand years. But soma tv\ ends tirgad na to go to a oollaga danca. And a very pratty girl -- oh var^' pretty — rasda rae dance - It *8 oallad (Oats up t o illustrata ) You put your foot lllte that — then you talta back your f ot and put it sera© plaoa else «— ndnd you all the tlna wiggling your body — It' a oallad — er — er — now what's the nane ? 29. Th« Tango? N0SL8 Prtolseiyi And. T n«do a ver> lnt«r«3tin6 nraa and papa aaw you? TUOKSRj Well, don*t they ki sa? OORAs But thay'ra ni«rria<5. Wall, I'm Hi 111 ns to ba. (lESA antara C«) Oh, T worker if T.ena oould taka a naaaaga for ma to the telagra]^ of f| o« • So anxloua to saa ycu I forgot to sand it, GOT? fl I Oartalnly. (lENA noda - quT U lo ok a over hi a ahpuldar to read It) •mi 98 Olarabal Vannar, 431 Waat 46th Straet, Naw York, Strike while the iron ia hot. If the former Li shtn! ng Bug atrikaa for double har allowanoe on aooount of hH :;}i ooat of li vi nc, none of the good lamba ean txisk ^ rafuaal, M«ka sanat payable to ma. Tan i>9ip Mnt ctHaBiaalon for information and aarv! eea, Lai»renoa Tuoker - Attornay-at-law,» What a funny oaaaaga,* TU(3CERf It 'a a oeae T iuBt got on to , And it •jj a f^cle lot funnier than you th&nk^ (lEWA tak aa aaaaaga and exit a 0,) 38 • OORAj Oh, taurle, they watt ra© to raarry •omebody elae» Ihan? Vhat? «?ho? OORAt The young fool of a oollege i)roT9B9ov, call eel Noel Pumhani, That blond baby T net on the a^epa? You aay hi a nam© l a Noel? (30!?At Yea - he waa bom on Chrj atmas. TUOKSRt Splendid- Oh, ho?/ T oan uae h1m» And Juat let your father becln w1 th in«. I never los» a oaae 1 n toy 11 fe — and thi a oaae OORAl But laurj e, they claim your paat la ao awfully black • TUOKERt Qte, 'lora. Isn't that: a lawyer'a bus! naaa — to prove blaok la white? (ThrowB hi s arras about her ) Sweetheart.* (At thnt moment. KLTNKS and fiS>!?4A enter ^ght. They atan d watohlng the lons> lingering hug* Then KIINKE nudgea hi a wi fe ) XUNKti Bmna, you need a little more loe In y ur refrigerator « RfMAl (Angrily) Slr.» Ihat are you doing? "y dauGiiter/ TUOKSRs Veil, T gueaa the truth 1 a out, Ho, dear parenta, all we •an aak la your blesains* 34* BMMAl You must b« Joking If you think we *v S'^'ins to g! v« our baby to you. Why not? Is th«r« Rnythdng asMns* n» f i& S^'ik laugha, Tumi ns ^o Kli nke ) T s therat ( KLTT^B lau g ha) Your objeotlona seem to be very Berloua,. . ..i«rhap» you 'll •xplaj n • (To Cora ) Leave th^ roi Quite harmless. In a short tine he was a father • 37 • AIMAt » A father? Ludwlg, did you h««r thfjtf T«s, yes, T know i t, ( Pretendi n/j; anger) I won*t he^ you say suoli thlngB before my wi fe,» BUMAt ludu! s, I wl sh to know the naTie of. KTJNKBi How Scaraa, that*8 no business of yours. SUMAt You saS d hs qui okly bsoame « father. TTJ(3KS'{f On Ohrl straas day,,.,,. (Aside) That fellow,' That devll^ TUf5KL'^l Re sot word that- a f^e«t 5oy was his, and received a photograph of hi n oW Id, (Takes the d o t ure from hi a pooket) Here It Is, KIlNKBt (Pssed) Tou*ve 3ct the H oture? TUOKE^t The berries are a lltt.l© faded. S.{MAl 1st r:!e see i t? 98» KLINKEj No, X won •! allow that. ( B trusgl es with TUCKER ) Sh«*8 ao •jrmpathatl o» my wife — she won •t aleop all night long • The fathar of course did not reoognlza har as hi 9 daughter? KII^TKEf Tt wns a son. muAt Ihat did you sayl^ TUCKEPt tt was a son • Ihat a oaaa for the league — to d1 aoover the father.*/ TUOKERt I cannot gl v« ycu his n:5ne« KITNKEi ( Aside ) Not such a bad fellow. waukt But T insdst on Know! ng* KIINKEi How Stena, Etaraa, don't,* — ?.'ayba the youns nian has given his w<->rd of honor. And as « reraber of the Laague 7 '^ n *t allow anyone to be forced to bra^k their vrorA of honor* Oh no, I didn't gl ve ray word of honor. (Orosai ns )^ That d«vli there/ 39. KXiNRSt mmAt Ihat 8 pi ty,' A» President of the league, T must interest myself 1 n thl 8 matter, Poes the oMld look like hi a father? The likeness Is atrikln/];.. ...^fhen T looked at this picture It •eeiaed to ne T oould see the father stendi ng before rae. KITNKSt {Ultlng. and rao^ ns off) That devil there.' BMMAS Then ludwlg. ...•• KIINKEl (Oontf ng to her like a ^hipped doolnt you ohalrraan of the coranrt ttee — to track this fath©** flown. KITNKEi Never, Emma, No/ The poor man, Af^er twenty-five years. ESiOftAj Truth trtll out ~ T don't oare for the man* KlINKEi Well, I do. It *s different with me. Then T shall go to Albert — my brother /»lbert Been, — Ihat he oen 't find out aln 't worth knowing • 40. XUNKSi ( Leaning wealtly » gal nat tablt at ») Uustard — mustard — all day mustard -- an<^ whan you oona home you're in mustard again* (g nter TTBDglEYgR RlPiit Hyst) Well, well, folks. Sxouse me, please* (About tc «xl t ) KITNKEi Where are you sol ng? To Albert. T Intend to find out who the father of tr,^* ohll<' is. (gadta a^ ) KUNKSl Tledeiaeyer, you villain, where itr^ sjy papers? ron't worry. They're in the best of hands* KliriKEf Who dl d you gi ve then to? TT!BrE?JfETER| ( Pol ntj ns to Tuo ker) To my lawyer, laurle* (f^nidns into his ehair) Good tA ght i OtTRTAT *?, J. E. NASH. "PS 170 BROADWAY, Cor. 37lh Street, NEW YORK THE HIGH COST OF LO^;iNG ACT ir §HHHHnHMmMWH§§H§uuH m u § Hi^^Hm m'94mHm»^9'mm^ -f~ THE HIOH COST OF LOVING -:* ACT II u mHUfS4^§m§Mm4§^f ^ § ' !JMhm*m *mNh^'^'i^'^^ ••^-'^ "#*#*;« M 29 1914 A T IT -j" aOEMEt S• Tucker — T'r • Tucker,' ROSEf ( Surprl aed ) Pspa^ OOHAl You're not angry? No* No/ But for heaven's sake leave ua alone a moment* OORAt Don 't get I'lurl e Into trouble, rmole. T asked him to cone, T be,>;sed hlia, Tt 'a all ray fault, BPVARrt ( Worried, and 1 n a fearful hurry) Yea, yee, yea.' He needn't be afral '■" of ree* (CORA and R0!^£ exit I* ) ( HAUSgR grosaea to door L* and aeea that it la tightly eloaed » al so nc one li atening behind portier es 0.) Have a ch^lr* ( fitting « in a himble voi oe, irery nertmtia ) Now T preaume anything T tell you «i8 an attorney will be prlwHeged and aeored* You'll newer use It agalnat rae? • TUOKBRi Oertalnly not , log-^l ethics. But you look frantic? ErwATTTf (Rlal ng) Hawa you ewer aat up all night, writing Invltatlona to your own funeral? TUORSnt (Alao rlal ng) T b«s your p«Pdoiu' X want to your of fi WARTM mohf TUriKSRl You? Oorresponding Secrot«i?y of the I««gu««*/ EDWARPi But T couldn't have fathered th« League, If twonty-flTe year's ago T hedn't leat^t that *lt paye to be good*# On flhr! stroaa day T reoel ired an 9«rfi:l shook, lookj A picture of a baby boy.* (T^oublea with laughter) Ihere have T seen thl s before? £!?WARDj See iriiat*a written on the baok. T*ll bet T oan gue«s« BTWARn A hundred dollars that you oan*t. TUOKERt •Hello Popeie, how d'ye do Here's a little fJhrl staiaa gift for ycu .• EPWARTi flPhunder at r uek ) Tou atn* Yon f '. rget I 'ra httr at ♦orney# c • XDWARDI Ihat could T do? T "waa engaged to marry a rl oh girl at. the tine . TUOKfSRf But possibly, you eould prove some other. ••... Row many times must T repeat tliat.*,* T ?as the only man she met all the rest of the tine she was rehearsing new steps, fPgoudly) T was the only nan she oared to meet* Oh, this la wonderful — wonderful^ Slnoe that newer- to-be- forgot ten rshrlstraas T*T9 been allowing her fifty dollara a month. TUCRflRt Fi f ty? ETTk'RT't Ctould a man send less ? And now, -jfter twenty-n ve years.... • I reeel we this before breakfast.. (Traws out a telegr am) "rouble allowanee and pay amount to ny attorney, Lawrence ?l oI:er, or I shall Institute publl a suit for same, Thl a inorease is made neosssary — by the hfeh oftst of liwl^. " TUOKERt ( Laughing ) The hlGh oost of H vl ng — wh«it it doesn't get tt amed for.'.* ET'WART^I Mr. Tucker, I can't rmise the money. Ewery dollar of my income rajr wl f e keeps track of. That f! fty dollars represented blood money -- old clothes thet T secretly sold second-hand — occasionally pawning a i>re8ent - oisnra that t took to smoke, and kept to sell. 7, (Throiw op hi a handa » alnk« dow n In <^aap«ip) ( f^utfr'enly drawa out th»^otur» again) Ycu think th« li«%y raaaiablas ma ? TUCXERt Not at two months. KDWAITDi My t»i»oth«r^ln-law Albert is traoWng down tha father, ( GrasxAn/^ Tuakat* *a han d ) Mr • Tuokar, dalay that suit two waeka - g! ve ma tlma to t?iink, You *r« auoh a fl na young gantlem?jn» Yastarday 7 was tha hi Z8^9t aoainp allva* K!>WAHT)8 Shutfu - lho«'3 oondng • I oan*t ba aeen talking to you • (OORA and ROSE 9nt«r U ) Oh Oora, - Boat a, Roaio, not a tword thot your papaya b«an hara • ROSEt papa? So worried, ^st h«va you baan talking about? TUfTfCERt Poli ti oa. BPWARDI (Sattins m ^t lat ) Tha country is coins to tha dogai Wa'ra all baing ri4 nad by tha high ooat of living • OOHAj Ra 'a woraa than ray papa. Oh, father i 9 raging • TUOKBRl About ma t CKMAi y«8 — oh at breakfast «•..., what he oallad you, and li^at ha ealled Cider Unolo Tlad«neyer«*«* And what ha aadd about Praaldant fllson - and tiia W ^ ocat of living?? TUOKEni Wian was thl s? oonM Ihy this doming wh^m she aot tha table Lena put a telegrarn under hJ a c^rape frul t. Ha, ha«* Wonderful/ (Myetl t* B A) They're all going cra«y over pclitioa* tatAt ( Ent ering , ) Ittaa 09va« the little ^entlanm from St • Paul la here egaln. R03£j KoelT OORAt I haven't seen hln and T wi:n 't see h!nj» ( To Laurie) The man maonn lasooed for cse • A Uttle aaw-ad off, hanaarad* dOfRl** RO<^Ef That 'a not true* Ah.' I'.y deadly rival** TM like to have a peek at him — this 'Thrl stnas b^by* OCMAt I won H se- him • (Jtboot to exit R,) TUOKERl Then T shall/ A general hw to sMrmlah to leai*n the strength of Ws enenjy, T»ll draw hi a fire, "^o st=»y, Pose, Ho, I oen't . (She eidts R. wl th mRA) (After a moment WOECT. enters 0,, taliee off hi b blu» glesoes -» gees TUCKER) IfOELt Oh, er - exouse rae • era T In error egeln? T ^hoi g-ht T was In the ri ght ho use* TUOKERl So you «re. NOSLi Really? And the young ladyt^ TUOKBRj Gfnltetlns a girl fixing her heir and button! ng her clress ) You~know« ~~~ ( Qreeting Mm ) I an « er • Mr , Tuoker, Von 't you hare a seat 7 HOELi If T nay. (Ritfi on hooka » then re ^»^y t^tlAa, anrpri aed) Oh, T fces 9 thousand pardons • "The History of '^unelfora IHtlng •. "Morality eraons the Babylonians*. Are you an I^ptolcgl St? TUCKERt The young lady l3,.«..8lnoe yesterday raomlns. 10, NOSLt (Fleaaed) Ah/i And you •!•« on« of the fanHlyf TU(5CERf Well 30 to 8i-)eak, ye»« (Deeper vpioe ) Yea. (Fttll vol oe) The fanii ly owe a lot to me. NO El I ( Brabarraaged ) Then I auj^pose ycu 'v© hoard my reason for being here? (Ssallns timidly ) It 's auoh a remarkable — romanti o oo! nol denoe • Our raothera are so congenial* And aa for the yoimg l^dy and T — It' 's a case cf - •r -• er — er -• now • er - whet* a the expreastfon? TITfJKS^f Spontaneou'^ combustion? NOELt Preol aely* TUOKKRt You mean the U ttle blonde lady ? KOELt No - e«r - tall, thi n , brunetti sh» TUCKF^t C3reatj:ilns t*el1 ©f) ( As TUOKER erogae-;) Ho wonder Roaie defended him • My best i«t ahes, youns friend* TM like to help you« aocLi Would you ? (Tlmoroualy folloirtng up TUOKE R) To be sur«, my cJear mother gavw n« some inatruoUons, f?he told m% how nsy father tluahJngly approaohed her - twenty-three yeara «80«..«but T aoaroely believe that's the f^ahlon nowpid=»ys, TUOKSRt Oht lons-dravn eourtahlpa went out of data^ iritian tha tasda «ama ln# TM fi 18 the a-^e of apeed, HOBLl (ffr.akl ng hi a head, al ghl ng ) TNe no Idea how to win the hei^rt of a young l) (i fOBL fingers the books nervously, approaches HO^K seweral ti mes and hesitates btfors spea king) 13 . ROSEt 1Diat*a all this mystery? NO ELI ( m th a walls of so tmbatrp^ss^d boy * Referring to Tuoksr » s exit) A ciost Interesting man — • and oh» so aooomodating* ROoolca ) ROSEi lly, pushing t h^r j aaiae) Oh, Noeli Madaras Chtiroa ssid it was written !n tho book of fat« • NGELl That kiss/ You know y belle w T*ve wsnted to kl as before, but T never quite underatood where the peoull ar feeling oarae from. ROSBt Hoeli ( They embrace^ 3' d e nly ) Oh heavens, aontebody 1 s oocii ng. ( Exits Quiekly> U ) NOeit ( Throwlns kisses after h er) Untl 1 T aee you agal n» (TUCKER enters F?. ) TUCKERi Well, ray friend, c!1 d It work? 15. SOBLt So eaally th&t I'm alaoat afraid she kinder er - er - er TUCKER f Anti oipftted? MO ELI Esaetly. r*n solns to ''r, Kli nke today and aak for his oonsent , Mr, Klinlset Her father. TUCBtroi (HI th a m oked ana le ) Ah, yes// Yea, Oe^-ruealera, tut you're oouregecue/ KOELf Bo you know Mr • Kllnke well? I'm 30 efrald to r>eet hjm . Oh, 5 us* yow go toward him, optn your arms, HOEr.1 3 artns about Tucker ) Yes, T know — until he can't breathe • TUOKBRj No, Ycu open your arras and nerely say, •Rejoice father, now I here*. SOStt ( A ft er a pauaa) Father, • . , ? ^y , father? 16 • TUCKER I ¥•11 If you axpQot tc be hl« «on-ln-l«w. NOELl Ah — yas • leather? ^all hlra father, r! gj-it off? TUCK EH I This It tha as* of sre^rt. NOSXi 1^ajciO€ father now T am here. Oh, you •an 't sraagiin© what an loprasaj on you •!! oreate idth 5u8t those few words* MOEtj C^th a b-'oad, bland smrtle) Ah, yea — I think he td 11 like that. TUOKERt Tou follow rae - and you'llaurely make an lopreaalon. Come out and have a drink, 5u»t to ^ut a little fire in y. ur aoul. NOKL: ( 11 th detetni natl o n ) By Oeopge, t will — If you ra«^-te it a Ohacolate and raalted milk. OCR At (Iho has entered R« on the ouet *haT» a drink *) ( 3urpri ae d7 ~~ A drl nk.» Ycu two f rl enda ? TUCt'EI^l ( awinging Ma aro In Noel's a nd^ftaLtUig-^M-th-Mia) — Friends? "liy ^r , ?.umh«a«8 a rj*'io^ nan . He 'a the nan this whole town in Icokl ng for • ( COWA stands dunbfo unded. ) ( KIT WW ♦nt»r« U, the plottn»e of hopel ess deepel r) 17 . KUKKEl Oorft.» Core/ - -who you looking at — sonebody gc out ? Ihy no - nO0 (Juat then th« outor door alamg ) Well what they doing - slammins the door, to aee If the hinges work? ( Site. rUbbin^; his forehead ) Papa, you A ok — i»hat "i s It? KITNKEf Oh, T got aoraothing that di e»nH agree with rae this noming, in ray grape fruit? C30RAJ Oh, poor papa/ And look, T brought you a little present. ( Prawa out a gypay oharrtQ A luck pleoe - a oharm that n&var' fails - "Lucky you 'll be, for luck follows ne *• It •» wonderful • KLINKEs Well, if anything oan give your poor papa luok, it»3 surely wonr^erful • £Xb Qiit to ); viknA it back) CORAI Aren 't you eualner!». Oh, don 't bidder your pajpa - he's a trf ok man/ ( 9ank$ng into » phajr ) (BiSMA entera 0» on omt '^^ok nan* •» exoltedly) IMMAt Ludwlg, w*;^t *s the matter with you ? All you men trt ok? T 5"8^ ©one from Hauaers* - Edvard Is 8i oK too — s regular ejpldmala* KTINKSf He ? "^ ch? He should only 7,et what T ?;ot , Tie don •t know how luoky he 1 a* OOHAf JSfartinK to exit !• ) Papa, maybe it 'a a little grippe oomlng. Shall I so upstairs and fix you a hot bath? KIlNKEt Hot water^? Hot wateW T been in enough hot water « {fSHMA wai ts till OORA has exited, then rushes to her husband) ?.9« tu&^S " toclay I'll find out. KllNKSt (Angrily) Find out rtiat? Iho the father i s. fltama darMng — swe9theftrt — what the difference rhftther peopl* got a little more morals, or « little less m'^rala — so long m- they keep on eating mustard. ludTrtgi IWio knows i»hat 'a 1» cone of that poor innocent child, wW le the father rnay be li ^ ng ^n luxury irlth hi 3 -onsw^peotlng irife* At least we rouat open hSOl eyo«« KLINKEj Ebmia darling, you 'd better let thero remain «loeed» Not ne. I *v« already started the i nrestl gati on with Alber^t, Albert ? Tnat blood hound? (Adda) And Cora g! f9B me a luok pi ©oe,' Bf'TMAl ( Mygtl ft ed) But I oan't understand, ^Ta 's rot near as energetic as usual* Says h9»3 fnund out thS ngs — but it's only fair to see you first. 20, KLINKEl l''99 A fins luok p(l«(MiJ^ (Stlok« it awAV In hifl pnn^at > To — ^fiama-) temtt • ansa darll ng - tall Oora to maka that bath so Maiai ns hot ft man aan't live throush It, OlMAt X*ll sat It hot anou^ Batter oall na ifhan Albert eonas • (KTTNKS in the thro as of deapalr) Thi t3 time, Ludwjg, wo 'ra going to th^g bottom of tw nga. (Exits H,) KITT/E8 (Ri sc>« looXe after her> Than atarta to pao e the ro«2rt, Oonfi ng any mi nuta. Albert ♦• ^ ( TaMng Ttedo rrey er by yhe am ) Ha 's going to give me wamjng, before ha makes It yuibllo. Good heavens i 21* KMNKBi IWill, It •» I4iid«r n5 09 of him anyhow, to oorn« and gl vtt raa frarning. Laav« It to Q* —I'll fix it. 1CLINK3J You fl xod 1 1 yaaterday. TT£!>Ef'nYS?j Mow J ust trust tc ma — T *11 araooth 1 1 all oTax*, (BM74A yo-e ntorq It *) Oh^^an T haat»d the doo?" T tho'os^t it waa /Ibert. T 'n on pins and naerllas « TIET'SJ'EYE??: 1»* AH. - are • Have yrtu haaiH! anything ? Tt api^aara th! e tnan 1 a wall knom In town* Oona, anna, ba sensible • ThJ nk of this poor man. Poor man? Ara you forgattins that halplaas ohllci TIEr©fgTERj (Letting It alitf) Haan 't ha baan gat ting sixty dollars a month? KIIMK2J ( Alraost at tha aaoa tjtaa ) No, forty. Forty —sixty? ??hat doyou men know abvout this ohl Id? (EACH of the *Jm trying to " ^Mtthf tha othar behind hi a back ) 22 • Ohiia - bo»h^ n« •» tw«nty«fota» years old. And how did you knov thatf TT ET>EMB7ER| (Seeine his aH; » rtgnalllns to Kllnkd » helpleaal y) V»ll • T — you sea. ...... a4?.*Ai Please explain** Tr EI>EM6Y0?t Row fiBiraa, now see here , Tliose th! ng« happen every day* rionH take it so seriously ^he wis only a dancer* Ihat do you mean? Only a danoerT J-BeLghtfiued) Veil T KITMKEt ( grossing - under M a br-^ ith) That dam fat fool** ( He i 8 over L. » BIMA has her back to him - he .uts hi s hand to his UPS frantl pally trying to alsnel allenoe to Tiedetneyer ) EM^fAl ( Tfi_2Le^Lsiaeyer ) You knuw more about th5s«,....T aee 1 1 on your faoe, I — T...I not a thing but ludwig. ytf husband? l^^hat haa rajf husband got to doid th it? 23, aena«* Stama darllns, don *t get youraelf oxoltod , Tl BTEMEYERi Hot YAm: Not Mm:: Tt 's all ny fatat . BIMAs Tour fault? I maon, I lot tha oat out of the b^ig/ Ttedetneyer, are you tha mun^ No, T T)on *t lie Jet your oonad ence speak. Make a clean breast. , Tell all , TTET*E?4£YEP: Put, Earaa/ Etoaa it'rasn H me,* It waan *t inm • How ahouia you know ? Tare you T:iEie ?'^ ' me in here, Ti e^oineyer. (Pointing to I.) T went to question you alone • All alona. But Brarea. 24 • Ut Albert* 8 too slow for «•♦ (TTSTE^BTEP haaltatas) If you don 't d«r« to fio« ^« — then T know the "eason why. TTBT SUETS'?: All n^t, aama - - all rl 3ht. fOlves KLT^r^g a hopelasa look an^^ follows g*MA cff L .) KITNKSf That fat fool, he, ...ha fixed It,* ( ICTA entera 0« ) IBfAl ?/r, **ean 1 s utal da lookl n? for you. Albert o rioo<^ rH ~ht.» (<;wl(;enl7 taking out luok piece ) Who th«5 devil gwva ne thi s.'.* A luck pi ecc/.» ( Nervously J I 'ip buay. -ErAi Ha aald ha muat 3. e=)k tc ycu alone • KLI NTBi ^ Hopalaaa - surrena en n g) well, what's tha difference — all right. ( TBNA erita and KLT^^^g oroaeas to the keyhole tc «•• 1 f "* ^ *" h ear what Bsgaa and ?1 e^ieraeyer are talkl ng about. Shakes Ms he efl t hat ha can't, eroaaes to extrene ^. and nits) Albert — Albert — wh«^ excuse - wh«»t ch, let It ocno// (■ AIBEPT -EAK enters T. He looks around cautiously, t- 1 q* first dees not aee Kll nke. KTTJr/.B looks uy) A'pr'Tt ludwlg, are ycu alone? KIT NKE: Yea, yes. ^o ahead. 25/ ALBEHTi I must have a word with y.u. KIT ^H' El ( Rl 31 ng eourag»ou'3ly ) Out wj th It/ T«ll n>e y.u know. You know who th» fath*r Is ? ALBERT I I *▼© CBrrl«<3 this seoret for ye«r« • KITNKEi What? And nev -r whj Siierec a wor»e, y u a1 n *t gol ng to niake ne al t here and 11 gten to that from your 11 pa? 26. ATBERTl But you mist hear U from rae first, as you •ill »oon be hearlns It frca ell the world. Now he*9 getting ne«n again. ATBERTl She waa called the lightning Bug. Morning, noon and night that cl**! »a8 busy rehearsing and practising new ste.s, T be^sod her to go out to supper n»i th roe. KUNKEt You? AIBE^Ti Yes -- but she wouldn't, f?he oouldn't. KTTWKEi (OomlnF; to hJTa. layinr; nn arm on hi s shoulder) Yer,, T know — T know — always busy. Albert, you»?»e « 6Brn lucky fellow - ohe was practising new steps. ATBEPTj Rut she mad© an exception, KT.T^mEt fhat do you mean — ^n exoeptl on? AT.BERTt Stole a few minutes frora h9v work. KIi:,'K£l Stole? AI3ERTJ ( Proudly ) T was the only rasn she had tlrne to reeet,» O'l Tuesday, Tiiursday •nd ??und?5y afternoons. 2&, Kit r^KBi !$• — aft«p thft life I've load to even tW nk «uoh a thing poaslbl*. AIBERTf tudwlg, dt«r LudM s, T apolosS «»• Vnat. T ne^nt \»as, no man •xp«9t* to b« fcund out, I M forgotten ell about her • She told me ahe was goins tc rerne'tber me nf f?hrl gtraaa time • KT.TVKEJ Oh — gol nc to remember yt^u ? AIBEP7: She did • Thl a pi oture. D^apped In holly berries? AI'^ERTj By Oeorge^you've atruok It rl gjat. KiirrKE: ( Taking the |< oture^ then looking at Alb ert ) Wonderful llkeneaa* AT BERT I VI oe prealdent of the League — vriiv^t tdll they Bay to ne ? KIT !!K Ei Just Ts bald headed as yr.u , (Turning OYer the p lot ur e ) Oh, i*iat *B written on thf? baok ? (Read a) ■Hello Popsl e, how d*ye do. Here's a 11 ttl© Thri gtrma .^resent fcr yiu.* (fit arts to roar) AIBET'Tj How can you take auoh e aeti ous tW ng ao funny? 29. KUNKBi (in between his la ught er) Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday, Ihat could I do? A week before my raarrl«3e« Every month T •'ve been sending an allowance. KLiriKEt ( Before laat aen tenoa 1 s off Alb_ej^JL8LJLl ps) How lauoh, Albert? I 'ni tertibly interested. How rnuoh? AIBEHTi Seventy doll are. (Crossing - In e traneport of .l oy) I always eald you were « rotten, bad, buslneaa raanJf AIBEHT: And worse to oome -- it*s goln^ to be doubled, ??he needs more, KITTJKEi (Playt nn the part ) Of oours© -- the ocst of 11 '/! ng has gone up. ATBI^T: If that Isn't exactly what she fired/,*,* '^cuble allowance on account of high coat of living, Tt '11 st«ird me a hundred and forty. KLirmEj And T set off t4 th only el slity eiollara. ALBR!??! What th': :"evil do you mean? KIIT^Et Oh, T got a picture just like you. ALBERTi KUWKEl And the B«in« nice poetry written on baok« ALBERT t ludwlg; For how long have you h^on oarrjrlns tW a evi dence of niy guilt? KTJTTKEi Slnoe trenty-flve years ago 'Tir* otmaa day. ALBERT » (A« It dawns on him) ^tiat;.« KIT M^Et (PutM UR hi 8 ar rn agcimd_Mja ) Wa two got to at and together. No doubled allowance/,* ALBERTt (rl nk - drl nk - dri nk to the dear dei;artedi (IE?IA enters 0.) ^ SITAI Mr, Kllnke, a young roan has called^ KlINKBj Ihat sort of a young man? I.E?IAl He wa» here today and 1 yesterday. What does he want? On bust nesa ? No , (Sialll ns at th» thou ght of th» rcmtmcp ) I lDa^n« it»8 aoraethlng to dowlth faSly oatters. KIT NT? El F«ml ly m-ittera? (To Anbapt) FCJBlly mattars? T can*t 8$« anyone. ISWAj Oh, T think T know irloat 1 1 i a, After all this oonoerns your child. KLIMCEt (T«T^ fl ad ) What <51 r3 aha aay? Albert,' AlBSHTi Oh foolish.* Ycu'ro only nervoua today, lhat»3 hi 'K nana — you icnovr? Tas, - No©l, T heard •era aay !t 'a beoaasa ha wia a ThPl stmaa baby. XlINKtt (graa pl ng Boan) Albert,* ALBERT J (MaMns a bound to gat away ^, lat ) I •ft go! ng. SUNK fit (To_Lena) T won't see A?^0??«. 34. Oh, Mr. K11nk«,thSnk cf tho trouble that'll oauae. Mrs. Klinke, •nd poor d»«r Oora — after all, r«n«rnbor, you *r» a father, (LEKA exjta 0.) KUNXSl Wy Oott, do 93 everybody knovj AIBEPTi (Who h'ia rua he d to doer T** l et ) CJoo'lbye.' (Calling frantl pally ) Albert/ AIBEFTl that •• the sood of a major! ty when the ohlld 18 here and all vb ? (Just aa KITWKS /teta to ex!t. ATBE^T elama the door In hie f « ce and exits) (gIT?7KS t urns t o find WOEl, gtant^lng f?« WOBt laiigha tlTHldl y , and stretohes out h! e ams) NOSI.t father,* My boy. • Hush.* Quiet/ NOEI,: Whs*l: the matter? KLTNKSt It 's a terrible shook. (Riaaroafdng through hi a pooketa) ^o the de^/ll gives me a XuflJijpl eoa ? NOKLl _(lith delight ) Bu> you will rooei vc lae as a father shctdd ? 35 KlINKEi Rush** (Examines dcoi*s I« and H, to aee if anyone la li»tenlns ) NO EL J Mr, Tuok«r said h© was a very emotional raan# (To KUnks) But It oouldn 't "be delayed fot^ver • 1W s moment, half of heptJiness, half of sorrow, must come to every father • KLIWKEt T know — T know, Sut we were suoh a happy family, my Eraras, my Cora -nd I -- we three. And now the taree are four. Ycu have a son KttmBt Well, you don *t need to keep repeating that,' NOELl And. T shall always treat you aa 1 f you v?ere my regular father. Poor boy, he wants to be kl ncl, ''ere like me than his mother • NOSXt Only say that you ^-re perfectly satisfied with me. KUNKEf Well, dear boy, it »s pretty late to make any alterations now. NO EI I That's the silri t, J A side) I'm Jollying him up just as he said T should, (sitting on the art?, of Kllnke's Ohair ) Now I 'm aocoptod all around, (TmVA ng _K11 nke *a hart<1« flw'y w! f e Is terribly busy just now, look! ns after the af fnl rs of the Purl ty I w ague. NO Ell (Proudly) So l8 my mother • 37. KTJNKE I fhat? Ta sho a rne-nbar? NOEIt It eh*? J5h« •« preal f.lent of her looal branoii* That's a fln« league — I, Albert and t?ie Llghtjiing Bu^ that *s a fine Purity League, ClENA enters C ,) LENAf Mr, KlinUo, your w! f« «aya the water 1 s hot. KIT NT? E: Well run, tell her to keep it soal^Ung/. (LENA exits ';.) N0EI.1 You see mother la so anxious that T 8houl(? raarry . KT.TNKE8 T see. Is that ^-hy you oome to rae t Well, naturally, T^ ra* T nust get the fathor* •«? oonaont , Ye?5, T unf^erstand • _ (Aside ) m th It all a irery good obedl ent son. T hope you've nothing against it* KIT ^nc Ss No, - it 'o the best thing fur young folks 38. NOStt (About to wabraoe hJ ra) father/ !>on't koep repeating thsti (Anxl ously) ?5ee here , young nan (Glanolng around room ) control your feellnga, ny boy, Hmt do you do for a 11 vl ngt NOEIt I'm an Egyptologist , ^^abylon! an, Assyrian, 'Cuneiform wrl t1 ns, and ent i nsorl pti ona KLTNKEi Bosii.* You should have learnt a useful tr«c';0 where you oan eawi a good 11 '4 ng* NO EI J But mother always said to ne, "follow your own bent, my child, even If you never earn ^ penny. Your father la v*oh enough to always look out for you,* (between hi 3 teeth) Hasn't she got the oute Ideas nowt NOET.: (Laushi ng) And of ooursG, now that it's a question of ny narrla^** he '11 probably settle an 1 nooae on me. KTTNKEi IR-iat'll happen next ? (Angrl ly) Te 'll talk that over - yet - the araount , (Cro3^ ng to C!, ) Te'll tellt that over - yet,» Those things a-e not so qui okly •ottled. N0EL8 (To hlasolf ) Isn't he th« rneroontry roan.* (ALBERT BEAN enters Rj g-ht lat ) listen to me, luf^Mg,.... Exouse ne. Noeif A:.Esr?Ti (stares at him and turns t Kllnka aa t.iey oome down) fho i s thi s queer lookl ng oha- ? My dear /ilbert, don't vou 'knofr? ALBERT t Ts 1t ??? KIT N" Et It la ffhAspere it in hi a ear) ALBE??T| T? 1 1 possible? (Holds out his arras to Noel ) Ycu«.*..you are..., « .ay son* (Hugs hlo ) JTOEL: r (Su»*prlae4l * baeks awav and turns to Kll nke ) T say now, who la tide deraonstratl ve gentleman ? A relation of y urar 4 0. MO Bit Oh/ 01 ad to know you « (Shakes Altert*a hand ), AIBERTi (ijplng the tears from his eyes — » raov«d ) And I to aee you , (Takes hold of Noel's ohln and turns hi in toward Kll n ke) Ttc you se@ that T mean? T^ie perfect iQagc or you. rJOBLl You're all quite a8toun.oin^^ ho oaaiy. handled - nnd it lUtlv ^ju-s^il^d y it ) I thltJk thit^g .'A v-a^v fln« '^Mdc^&ntionJ What do you s^. l^f d^as* EllrjJc^, you took th« words out of nt.' raouth. All' n, .^^'sntl'irter?, if that is the opinion of \h>s aii^orx-^y, I will ^« rlr*d to njakd ths report — nnariiaous. fCrogs»3 with a "broiM l 'smllQ* Hunrainr: a -^ac' tune bn^fta! hi? lips, h» i8 ttoklod th^it th^ are not oauslnr hla trou'^l'^) (Aaid» to Al^^rt ) It»s 'i wonderful thi?),'? to hav* a majority. And aa fo- th« ohild V^'i % a uffp; «wtt 10T» — I*v*i> h*?ird (yj. S-M^.': : put th^lr heafl3 tojjether) SdfARDt (Alanaed) ihatt It's aeoret wh«ro I hsard i^ -^<» - "*>^ th'srs's ;i ^^unor th^t the r>oor child is dot>>« th« opinion of you two iTH^.'i'bars I should oomsider It nj' raaor^od duty to raake th^ report — un^mlnous. (KLINICE :i>nd AUSHPS "braiithtt ri ai/yh of tren>?ndous reli ef — l OWAR!) oroaa^s oongrditul<^3>ins Miaaelf) (Qlear lnn hi n throat - OrJx.to>'lQal\y). Shttn, fellow a^iabary, - this oo.-Tsaitt*^ will r^-port — aft ^ -a 6«arohinr» *y?*^^ prAlns-t?^:-cl»'i: ln-»(5?.tlc'*tlonj it Is unitele to tra0 9 « 8lnf:l« oluo of ih-> wcthl^^ari futhar. But w^i ar* ha;»yy to add, that a klnd«r - a X>«tt«r - «r - «r Provldfnoo ....... A klndsr ProTldanco h%a tak^n th© 'ihild — hoa» forsrer. % 0«orf?9, Klin-^-i, -jov should h-afyj Tssan Oily Alf*.*rra's.r.» J2akln{? ICll nk<»8 h«>d > I think, c«n!.l«n«», w« oan eonsr-^tulast^ ours«lY9a - w<**t« done a good dsy*8 work* 47 ALBISRI t (S vlnlnft his hand.i yjth th# oth^r two so that thsy form ^ a Arjd er)tlr«3c'- naAiafitovory — all around.* }l9« :c:DfAPJ3» Who la Itt 48. A a-antoor of r^ own faKll^'. mtMis aw* (A«ia« to Albert) No, JM.* K'jWAR')! ( Hia lipa .just au.itollnfr) Mt.' fJo ^^ama) Our family? ii w.: At Y«8. H*J «mf«»3'3d It h»r4 hlmell'. Unola Il«»dea«artr» AI3ERSI 'i!jl«d«Bi«y«r** KLIJIKSt lied^m^y^r.' fiai^^KK Mid AI3E°T d ouU^ up with lftu,?3it9 r ) You, Anthon:/.* I fo:*oed hlia to coaf'JSil* *ow what do you sagrt C*o U 1.e<3qnr, I n«V;ir *yanti to lool*: otj your wioic »d fao* ^tiin« 49 • And fiS for me -- las -- 2te(l«m»yer, I*ra too ibdv«<1 to si)«adc. BKf4At ( As ahaldr?'t blnff that wlfs or :/ourii, I'y.5 1i8i8Ji .i(«>o^'8taj'- oavryln^ on-s of thor,^ ploturts for twwty-flYc yaara «- smd a mdlsc ^txty dolL^a Z«n doll««r3 ohtsapor th^i? m«i (SloklM) I'm still low n^m* f!h9V. you oonf^sssd y^st-ardi!^ I thou.'^nt that »?aE at' "sriSiy out -- 80 I kept Taucin. Up to y«it«rday I thourht I was th^ onV guilty ond. ^Cx'» ^9 swora, that 3h« aad«» an ©xoayilotj lr> «f Ojj»« -- th'kt fo-^ rtt," saJza -Jhe istole a f<9w mlnut*?! f:*o.'a iA?v reh'J.-wsalfl — froia %9r> tc t^elva In tii-s raornins* Oan you "beat itt ('\nfrrlly ) But 7?ow, don't th1.t).^c I'm .'joli^'T i-o t:^}:^ th«» "blam^ aXors/h^ Ludhrl^, you've oonfsssad to »»* — you'ye cot to »h«*s lt« 5 0. If I haye to shar« U, Al'^y«rt has to 8l»rrQ'^' ^^ith aelf rlrhtaouawanft) What/ Sh9 threat And I*V3» "b^ « ««rvlnc on the S8ia« ooaraitt-i^ wl'J^h you thr«« r^probatsa^ !)on»t 70U tiy to c^te ■'J'i* i'^'SNc,' — tr-:* thro<» ^ira a siajoritj''* And look tfJvit it 00. ot iw« :Foi*ty - .#. • * * * • ^Ixty , . - . . Oh» Sdfsrd, otick with V4« — aoti® dsiy you ja-^y r»«9d « fri«nd/ (R '»-tfflt ^rinp; ojooit adly ) I'vti piioTsad - i:-ion«=;d vhs nawtj to SA»sh of th* wom^n on th« oo,Traitt4f and thsy'r* ^oing to find ths child. KUHJCiit Vy d«ar i*'xaa — wait, ^vait — yr«Ji?ar-> for a shook** What do you m^iiii? I'hat thd poor ohlld i.s You'v« <-U'3as«d it from vsf/ vo ,!.«•!. ALBJSnai: D«3d/ 81, Y«s«, hs hats "bean -"axhoro/l to hl« fathers ..•*..•• fThrowr h door 9 , ^HL i* stm ap:?ro^gh.l5.g»-^-? ^'^ ttrrinr liin on. 7l'!idd«fiii' 3ha puah^a him i ato rooa and dlaappoars down h%li»ay) Pl«a5» «xoua« raa if I diatur"'! you» (■?urioua) 2h<» devil/ ^liat coiuQa noi»? (To Kllnke) to*. Klinlc^, !•▼« 2c«le an awful mistaik© — I find you ar«j not.. What? WOEtt C l ookin.'? ground ,J!53iAr.r*ai3iiiwJ ) Oould an;/ of you tell n* whioh on^ i9 ?ir» Hau.i^r? fho ar*3 you, sir? I*ni Hvastr. (^tr^o hlnp! out hla ktos to hi m ) yath«r/ fHurra hj ?rovidtjno«.' B2 . Wo wonr««i aen Int^rruj^t hlra) 53. I {{ot off %h-'j oh9ap9an;- I»«nd n» a p to \p»lt» on) ICLINOt E^WAR^I XXSDEEHErER: AIB.IiRSs 12 tlnos 40 tln«» 12 tlni'3« 50 tlraes 12 tlxa«J 60 12 tinus 70 26 25, tliftss 25. tin^)8 25. (laiyjG-: ficurlng ai^^'^^'l^," --^ c hlng his. ht'Sta. ^^"-^^-^ burl §4 OY^r hla I'ifn^raa. Ignn^ai'jr-?^ looking up XT) \uv air to ^ Q ffl>3ntal atrlth^ragtlo. ;Ai:j?5?^ bitlnr: the wd of his pwnoil, «« AV. iiP U R ?IEN workinff iv^tloatlly whilo WOr!t) 12,000. :5,ooc, l«j,000. 21,n-o, Qurin.<^ tha foxl-jylng th^3 jjcpr^salon of -Mh airr tamat ba dl^tlnotiY^. KXIHKS slta 'b^k^ flnprars m a^Tsiioiea of hi?! vagt^ tlokldd at fr^ttin?? off th^ aha'»p3»at. .t:';'i4^*) no^^lnr lend y*oo'kirtc to and f^"^."^^*^ P -^'^ ^^'^ ^^ ^^** ^'^_^'^ T loolt :»s rauoh ti to a'^^/t '^/qu'"^ Ui'j 'olr!^ t«!t inQlc-^r o, '^ na all" - Xh^n an ha .tur'O'i -tfid ^*>js ?^L.TN7*oy^ p^nrttl and patp'ir and alts b^ k iy> hopeless do^leetlon." t/^anwhlls, NO id, who h^s llgt^T^a d as In -A 'iaa » too fright Jnid to gp^sait, ^^^^^^**/^'^^^J^^ .^V? ^, if to exit. H's> r\xna plumb Into th^ summ 01 tAw/taWug -^ TO/JSR who la uterine) TfOSIt Fo^ th<9 Lord's »alce, who ar* th9»« four book-ksepfrtt •liy, Jti^' y^o-j, th^''r« y^\xr< i*n> AI3SR2, cDWAR3, XiaPPtSygR taoh putt, lag thtlr «iry»lop M thg rls«, KUHKB r«>»^>nfrs 0« Hla ooAt ausadd, hla Imir ruffled* Out.' !•▼« thrown hln out. ALBS?!? Thrown hlra out? KUmZt Sh« front door. (Rising, gottlag his hat) Now I nust GOt hold of ly wifo - put th<» whola tlajBis on liodo- m^ar. But l9t n» 8>icc8»t . . . . . . KXIHKKi 2i9d9mis:r9T, you*vo taado snough su(;(;««tloa8« You tfam stand th« Tjlsrae. Ain«t you th« T>aoh9lort ATOB«t (Aa hg pr«t3 hla hat aad oeat - tO giod« '8y;urr? up the piotur-j iind whaw — — I'n a frsa toaiXi ac^n. (gliJDigll^raR. a3WAR3 and ALBffg start to door 0. . KLIIIKi: oroanoa to doo^, R»-) Writ* to n» 9oraftlno — In Braadl. ClW:Yexit) ( .Tuat *8 KU^^ opffis door^ P« he ruaa into CX>RA hit %rd goat on) 00'? A: Papa, wh«re you ru^^hinp to? It's all rlrjit — th9 country's n'vr'id* Mo !i»r« worrylnp over th«» hlfh O09t of living* (H^9ruah'»9 out) (XiTWrih st^ds s»tartne ift«r hln, IKHA 4at«*9 0.) 8. CORAl ten*, 1» n^ "b^ paokodt LSWAt cr^A: tiona - not ^t word - • not evRAt 'i'h'it fflllksop professor. I saw it from .^ window - f '*th«r thrnv hira out. RO«JSs ffhHt did h« do? «Bh%t???? OORAi SChrtw him out. Bag and T3Ji{'^i«g«t RO*^Bi He«Y«n» -— did ho hurt hln^elf? TJ2*JA| Hot n!uoh»..«H«ff 9 3iioh a ni«9 boy* And h« S9<«raR to mean rifrht. (ffiuinp aiway th» f ar» ) Z should thin}c h9 dodti* -CQQaA_a»d_ t.HWA look nft h«r aurprlsod) tSWAj Oh - ^ OORAj thy, Ro8«, I no'vw suspeot^d for a s«oond« ue^jAt Hia last wo'-da »«!•• » h«*d ooa» "baoJc if h© dl^d In the att«a;>t. (WOSf^, a Uttl a th« woraa for hag'd usaeo< parrying hla trw«lline '^^,, «ift«rs 0, at ou«t Mlad*, M« oom«i down) una I And h'^r-a I msJ R0*3Si Vo«l<' 9hat do<».ilt all lasan? How should I Jotow? I want to your f»th«r - Just Uk» you told a« • and nrstoh^d out i^ arm? and •....* R0«5Sf J^ust lilc« Mr. 2uok<^r told youT Exaotlj'. ?r«ol3«3cr»' Ofeeatli'ltd) ^d th« four of •era - th«!y siU a9«B4d to hwre a (jrudgt a(i;aln»t st9* (MlaAi!ia323y) •her, I've nw«r doti« anw^one any harra — In in/ whole life. Ther« oan't "be. I narJc^d fjvjry dlreoilor? down on bv ouff. May!)* you oh-injjod your shirt? f ^^howa har ths QU fl) S3« And now 1: m on vv w«y ^o th«9 d»:>ot« But I couldnH leaT« without a resp'iotful (joodibye. Sh;*!! w* n«v«sr a9«t sc*in^ Aikl we w«r« coing to "bo so happy* KO'ilT f« mlr.ht haye 'baoB tho Ouyld and Psyche of raod«m tln-Ja. WOHLt W« oould h-«V9 »«t th« world an example* H03St ffe were eo oonponial. ^^ were never golnp to quarrel or flftht (QORA aotloni T. J^A to leaye the lorera alone. Surln?: .foll ow- t WR they sva-'d 'a mwiiieBt looking at them, then softie^ tiptoe t o the door ■* .lust aa N^SL jnd RO*^S kl9s they f?lYe eaoh o ther % look of aanaaenent and slip out) Life w«»a to ^e on-? long liner «^nR kl^s. (RO '=^g Ijya her hiwd on hie Up* ) And lei ^8. f Ki^see he r) And ]£l38 — (Same play) R0<5Et (ni ch i ng) NOJiL t And I had plotur«d it all «io wond<9rful. Our iiHrrl^e. Our honoyinooa* ffe w«p« to spsnd d^v* »n<^ days, hsind in hand. In th« %:pti{W iBuseiiia. w» war a to sit on th-J aofa, and I was polng to t'Sll you all about O^r.^ish and Ptolan^ the II* Ih^ flcn of Ashurlsh the IV, Why, you Icnow ALL ^out th-snf RO'ltf*ted) Don't "be «o fearfully inqulBltlYtt* Oo in th-sr j. -X2y3ji«8_Jl I'll off_T.. ) Her-^'a your rrrip- (Shrows^ it 'ifte r hlra « oloa'as door> iatnd oro^^S'sa wit h a broad amllt to gr<»»t 3M!A who enters 0.) SMJSAl LudwlCf ah h9r« you »ir#^ tudwlc^. KUWCWt ( OTardolaff his aasuraed affaot Ion ) fhi*t an I do for you, iv lUt.l'i cold flshT (His f^'iB Htray toif2Wds th« door, L.) I Just oon^ tvon }5dwa.*»d*9, H« l? bwido hiraa^lf. In our hou3« 3uoh thlntrs to happen, 'jrh^re Is that yo^inc: roanv Wher-i's he f^ne to? (Oaiay) I should wo>'»y.* KLINKSj SMMAs •hat did ha a«an t:sr oalllne Edward *fath«*r*? (W»rvou«>Iy ) Aoh/ pot a bad hikblt of oallin^ p9opl>, f*th«r« 2?«ry"bodi''. H^o nd, too* $0 yout EMjai JOIWC-^i (Mor f nvr vou a) Y«8, Ho - he cot a mother. So he'd li3i»s - --ou oan't blajM hlra - !*lao to /5«t a fathsr. Ev«ry\/ody got a father axoept hia I don't Jcnow, lost, stri^tid or atolon* *?o ho icoops calling everyone he oeotJj - fmther - father - f^ithftr •— and h« ho]^e» soraeone will pp*thllda*« eon?tt , SOELi Certainly.^ EMMAl (Alm> 9i, jwhfowinj^ her arm^ aroun d hita) W[^, I*Te been expsotlne: yov. "sino^ yeatsrdacr'* (Looking -xt his vai l s e) I didn't see yo»ar valise "before* Sid you juat jMUatT 10. NOStt I was just try Inn to ffo? Oh» you nwatn't (?o» Soma little aliiua<&«r8tf»ndina« it* 11 ^li^^b^ txplalnod* (JCLINKjS awf ra 0. and «««a BMHA holding !lo«l'» hand) lOIWOSt Wall - wh^t th® dwil? Ludwis, why didn't you t«ll w» who h« wast You know? lawni . you found outt Of oourae. I arratrrfr^d It ^11. You? It w*3 to "be si surprise .for you. A suri)**i3«? It ia.' Wmr, I l»vit«d hia to ooa» hora. KUNKBt You? SfllAl Y«B* I «3ep««t<>d hin • hi« »oth«r h»d writtan ra«« 11. KUWC'Ji Do vou know hi^ aotharf I told yott 9h« did. Dldn^t I aiak you to glr© hor a^^ xnoth'*r*s lova — ani you atuok «« In that oth^r roon. Oh'' And I jiroai^dd his iai>tholoirrg t ioally» to It oel) !,!y husband"- you know h* - oarel*j»«j - "but ho don»t n«M) to harm >>y It. Yotj jauat "be our ru^ot* NOSLt Kl^iAt Now dontt -sajr % "^ord. You»r« coinc ^o atijr rlrht here* 2h«b»a what I told him. NOKLi iut ^r - - Why, we wouldn't let you go for anything In th9 world.you»ll te very iKvppy to hflive him with U3, won't you, LudwlgT ^o'i.hirtg oould make ae hapi^ler. I2i TJ2U\» Utb* Klink9, th<3r«'s a la4y for you In th« parlor* Kxoustt me 'x jaoraent* !!?ow not amoth'sr word, I'll put. th« guost room in ordsr. (Xo EllTik a) Mow, LuJwlg^raako up for your lapolll* w -ass. loa^e It to fm. (KxlUnc) I know you oan porauado hlra to ■^t'jer. ( WaiL urruM IgrJ.U hta rron^ out. Q^) You llttla dtvtl - you (to% to get out of her*'? - a tr?d.ii l«av'9»«. You're 9xp90tinf: too rauoh of jo^j • f l-^t I'm d^twrraln'^d to sm Rose's father. l'h«n wJx/ dontt you f?o harsis around his iiou«« • riftht around th* oom'jr - 343 Ohsstnut Ttr-s-at* ( irittn(; on his oiiff) 342 Chestnut ^".3«t - »iiii - now I*v» i^ot hi3 nurnber. (AL-'^.ERg ^ntf>r8 through poroh door. Right Pront) Morn's t Your wif9 waa on th(5 sti^a, tudwl.^, "30 I s i^^.-^d in "by tha poroh. (3udd«ly_«piying^ 1lo«l) BoT B«ok a^aln? A r^c^lar load jKtriny* 343 Ohdstrmt '5tr'9 9t — I'la. (0«^tir?r? In front of h la) Mo, you don*t a«« at,' ariXe — If you go — go t^- tho poroh door. f^qa^inff! to ward a door Right yront ) Isntt th«r^ a drug »tor« ground h&r^i - if I rertoeabdr rlrJhtt KlllKSSt Oii« on the eorn«r» HOST. : (Jjcitlng) Firsts sTisdl swallow a ohooola!t« and malted railk. KIIHJCSi (To Al>>trt) ««li - w wife knowa «*I1 ntoo^Jt it. AL'-JERT J Hln? Ih« boy? Sh9 Invited hln. What 7 Irapo ■isl'ble.* no% at all. nho mat hla moth -jr. Whan? WheraT ALBHat K'LlWCSt How should I know — ona of her trips to N<»w York. Th« Llf^tnins Btag.^ His ffloth«r. But your wife don*t know wiw sh** form^urli'- waai Of oours j T»at. (With a r,l\m fstfst) Sot :.'«t/ 5on*t you "*«« She Llj^rhxnlng Bug's adh«r!j«? Jlmt she works to get th» aon In h^dr^^ Voole w wif«» Sh-d oould te^h tho deril trloke. }CU^^CSt The next thine *^ know, we'll have her herself - the Lifthtrinir? Bug.* By roily, KUnke.* On our h'Anda, And >iOth hire - — living ric'ht in our houee then she h."%8 us In the jmIw of her hand. ALBaat fh*t*» to "ba done? Yield to the hish ooat of livlnct X9* No. On« of uo has cot to go strisdcHt in ^«w York/ And ««« h«rV >XINK3« Yen - ind you'ra th« ot!*?» BSAKi 1C«T W«w Yorht Y««, you, g-a© h«r/ After t'*' «Jty-f ly« y«ar» I wouldn^t know h«r fron th« sl»t you ^udc for h«rf AtJ53TaCt But Th« Liprhtnlnc Bug* JOIWClSi C lra->>tl'9ntXi O !)on»t txlk 80 loud hor^ - oo«» In th<» lltrirj', Yx3u»ll "b** ablo to find hor» AL^S«i (I?-rltably ) Well, what ciood will that do? that? I'll tall you. You either got to Tsuy h»r off or kill har off* (Xhiiwd - h« '^tt'5 &»insl« th«n» And I rara«ral>«r 30 well - Jx9 was trylnr: to show sm soaw dancing st«ps« 19. Ludwi(; — ta^ nustard tXvnd — I n9-v9r iai«w h« had any danolac in hi 9 bonm*; Oh« It «9«BS that a oouple of W99k9 ^tfort ho had l«am«d some Tid« st^pft from a r-^euliir, professional danoer* 1^ tudifie? MASHXLDAi And hd «raw9 trying to toaoh hm all th«it h9 h^ learnt « ffo had 8U0h fun, Aftor tw«niy-fiT« yeswa I wond«r If ho'll r«aan\}«r th^ oooa^lon« (tUDfiG p^»3cit through door Z» — SMMA oatilhaa him) mmAt Ah, Ludwis - tudwig.* Y«a, Bj^ A<}ar. (KtllP^S olo8»es door - iitgnala AtBgRT to stiy thero and ooaa down) Ludwi/r, (Volnt.H to Mat hilda) do you know who this ist f Looklfiar at h er) Ho. SIMAt Mow tako a £^od look, dvaria. (Aaido) I don't lilco her 9«««ti9 ton#» 19. I'd romonibar you :x% ODM^ %f, Kllnkd* mmAt Wo-/ think — think hard, tudwiff- KXIWCISj (Wgrvoua ) Aoh7~^iiS# todafir — today, I cot no h9ad on »•• MA2HIT.")Ai Woll, CO 'bHOk twonty-flva ysiars. Qjiaad) 2w-3nt;/-flv« Oh, f;iT« th<9 poor a«n a olue»* M.^'Htt.'^At !)on»t you -TQTti'mtvr rttr danoln;^ . 3ano«T That stsp//** Oh, it oaa't \i9 po ?itlbl«.» ?1A2HIL!)A« Y«^, it Is. And I do 'f^ant to thank you for "being «o Rood to n(f son. Your aon? ©CM! Noel. — You »flr3 jua. tiU.klne to hla* KUHJCSt •hat — you — aro — Yea — Ho«l is nf XUtl<» Ohrlatmas ^aV» Or««t heavana.' The f dually 1« ooapl«»t«« HMUAi (go ?5rtthllda) Ooiapl-yt^r' th«in h«? Icnows, A lovelc/ «nfj^3jB'«nt« (SS-KilnM) You didn't 9Xp^Qt to ««« h«r, did you, ludwlc? Mo/ "but nothin/? surpriaaa n» any loagar* I ROt to ring u:> oonwi of Oora's friends --— / go Mathilda) !• U 3 0« ^>^%t your room is all rirJtit* I gu<»ss you ar»d Ludwip: llAi'IiXL'^At Oh, >*9*11 ha-ve (irr^at fun talkinc^ ov« Kummt An I fjolnf? oraaiy? J4r«t nln falls on th« hoy^s n«J0K. MA5:HIL'>Ai Ara you sp^aklnr? of w "on? Oh, th-sr«*3 solnp ^o f;? a ^oa* •urijrise for you, tm>«rt - 2l«d«Ea<^'3r. MASHIL'JAt that *r« you t%lklii!» *bout 7??77 Ev«ry iBlnuta h« s«t9 isnoth^r f^thtr,- h« has four now, !ilASHItt^A« Mr, KllnkaJ thin n»ay ^« <* joJc«. But I'm not us«d to -joJc^s of that kind. 33« Mot WOiHlWKt And not dvan Is yotxr oas« will I !aak« am 0xo9pt,lon* 3«^, la«v9 MM alon9 - yo\i'Y« jBMida 9nourh •xo«i)tion». llrat AlbtH Tl«9«n MASHIIDAl Albor* ?3«ain? I !»«▼«? h«arm-9r« ^''i aililnc XfiWard r»u*k JlASKrL*:5Ai Alt}«rt H'iusor*? %Ty, I knew hlai «b « fjiJ*!* I Should HSff «o-— -sixty dollars, Tu^i^dv* Ihur^das' and ^attirday. 23. MA£HIL')At Mr. KUnk».» 343 Oheatnut 5tr3«t. rH>i»din" hdr h«r ha.t> flV don't you got (Ait«\in4td» Wot toowlng whloh way to tur o) (At that g»n>iwt ^BSPg «Bt^8 from library) MASHILOAt (R«llovod) Shank h«AY«ns, Boraoont*' B«aa.' Hh, h%' How w«»ll hw^ it out. (go B Jan ) You icnow who this iat (LQoklWfT at M" ^ ^^ ^^»^^ Hsr«B*t th9 slightest i-, e;«nil*ira«at C(?r t8i>inr; hi 3 h;«7d wstriiitoO % disj^ friend.' Ara ;^ou In ihia, toot that do you a^amT (Polntlnf? to No ahout with Ifitugh t er ) Your wlf»f Wlf«/ — Ha swtuttlly aisc*ri«d h«rf 00 "^TO Jar J How dara you/ (ao9s&!a&3Lctiiy) Oh, It's 5%11 rlrht — itta *!! rirht. K^ra fr ?e.» — fre^a,* You should wor'ry/ f^t^r aHMA in % h^d99m dra^a. g»»» Ood fr^y and go a a tov&rds hint) Ah, !V d^aa* Mr, Buryrhaja. YiJU»v« H»9t air hus^%adT W« h'i,v«. And I vraa B«T«r ao liokl«l to s^^ ivny on9 in js^ Uff» M«f too* I'va just phoned to a few of Oora's fritmda, tailing Lh^m th* Juat a laoBMnt* As to th« futur* of ay son. Aa I ijn his father**.* 29 1 V« hftY9 sojMthlnc to »aBr about thwt (003»3 down with IliPll^afBR and At3Ii?gE ) You? Wl-iat buain^is ? ..... Yaa -— th» aa^orlty* Wow what atootit this younc m'inT 15 ^dA: (ATigrlly) WlTy, dearie, h«*3 rolnp "^.o :ti;n,rr'j o^xr Oora. &taa, e«t 4 dootor ~ ohiU ;* dootor** I'm 3uf raring a n^rvoua b*«akdown •— nj^^ aind la rivlnj^ awjcr. (go Sfsria ) On« aoiaenl., ir yoA thliJk that I oould oons'ait to this.. Or I. Or w«.* KLI'«CKt I'hwi all of us -are of th^ a^a-? nilnd» Why I phoned to Corals frle?)ds. A little r«o«i?tlon, !•▼« invltad All of th^ ladles of th^ Purity i^9e^9, nraaaaa iMTiad latola'^O Ood fray) EA5!HIL'5A: Oh, Godfrey -— wJ^,^ 'v -aren't you nX th« dru(* store T 30. I nwt Ko^l and w« wflBt down to c^ th9 'bac — her«— •• Kllnke/— she oe»a« ruahln/" to n» firantlo. T.udwlfr, wJ^r h^vj you "been so r«d«t tod has Alb*!?! loat hts oonsea? Insulting this ItkOyf (Iau5?hln g) Thla l»dy - oirhta^ thousand - a.vA you don't ls9d h«r.' ludwi,'::, whaA do you swan V ^^9h rud«n sssf H«r aon Is ongaigM to our Cora, I fixed It hH, and )mpt, it o^s « little ^«or«ta •hat? A fj«or9t? Thw how ahOMlrt I dr^am that -— ?faturallc'# I didn«t imd(jr3t'4n ; what out d-^^sir .iViend h9r«, was tstl);inc about. You, with yotiT »90r«ta.* Itt9 your fault, '2r:na. All your faullr* 31. BMKAl But, , Ludwic Wow BSntsa, I don»t liks to aoold you Ijafora ooapany - but i«ttlnr: n» :id3urjd«pst«tt?d ^uoh h 1oy«V li^^» Hov? you oould lM«p a 8«or«t frosa a» - a husband Ilk© »», whiA tails his wlf 9 everythlQg. W«ll, p-srha >9 It w»» « ^It foolish, 1in\, z^^^E* mow as It»!9 Whit !•▼« alwigrii 's^d, 5^ oaLlliK? ra*? father? Vixy, J*r^ liwsar, I wanted to nwirry your daufTht«r Ros«rf Kumzt H09dl1»or - and ir?vlt«d all th« ladi'^o of tha purity l9a{^»# But I 3 .wit you wothar t'^l-icr-ca -- I -- I -- to "b^ sur'S I wouldn»\- £orr,9X it, t put it In th« rim of nf }^%» (Gomina; d own ryith hla hat ) And h^ro it ts, daar heairt — -still In th& rira of yowr hat» And n» - •aimounclrjc Cora's ^mr.ne'^^'^ - f*il her fricinds «v»n phoned th'4» pv^'^Ti^n* You - with your a^jorat from your huabaad^ fhor© is sih«t Mi -9911)^ all d5y. (OORA ruah^s in »od thrOTfi h*»r»«lf at h«r laother's f«9t) OORA: Oh, maioat, oh maa^ - just *s I oax« up th« str»9t Mr. Klnc» •ditor of th;«li«v^ th^*r© «?ythlng iBt>r« thi*n lo .^h^'s ilro'ici^'- ntirriid. OORAt Here's th's ring. JSMAl But tudwifj, ar« :^ou sflitlsfidd? tell, say, wh«n th« h03«s« is out of tha atabla what i» th* U3S of loolcin(^ ths doort asMAf But ous* f senile^ 34. fell, isnH It m exorai'^nx %,hivr fo" your rkjaHj,'' to h«v« a oleviir* iH'vy^i* irj it -- — (glth H lot of mo an In;; ) why ?*ny on 9 of you aifrht got sued. i?8h/ Qul^t^ K«h.» - ;/o>u - HDVARD: -ALBJiTi' » KLINK&j SUOK.liR: ( fl'QQd ni>tuif^dly ) But I wouldn't pr^^a ^ oaaa against » jn^aljor of Oif owl? fiwalli'. (Rillev^d) Eraraa, this younr m«i has ay/ "blefjslrjp;. I'm cIskI to ae? hlra In the f:-i!tllli'. AU3SR3: J Ma, too* •XI3D5S^^KR: And I — iaof3t of all. (YiilllnfJ fall, what oan I 33^' -- (Put 'v 1 nr: h»r nirn wtround th*? two girla) YouATjd 1^^9 — two oou.^ins in on^ dsjy -- you'll all li'*Vc 1-0 axay to H >Atf f mile/ dlnn-sr. Anl I'm coin«r to 0'3l'^>>r»t^ th-^ hH>)py w«y th«* day h*ia tu^n'Jd out "by raiJcinff '* llttl i r.ltX. to oh%"lty. People »lwsjjjr« do It at W'jdcllnf;»« I'll rrlt^J i* chock for forty dolliir«« 35a Put ffl« down for flfty-t (Puttinr hi A am a rou nfl. Ijaraa) ff-jll, d«i> ir mother, it's silrhty rood of you to invits ua all to dln'^<3r. But I have ^o datoh th« first tr lin Tor N«w York — on* of jq; "bast oli-sr^ta. died. But a dinnar MU«t ptt th'S-9 for th-J flllne? of ^h ; will. Wo«4er If wy of you flvs* h-sard of h^r, Sweaty -flT« ydars ix^o sh-t ••'%«» a wtsll known star. 01ar?*,>i«ill-j Vto'S^t - known *»« Xhe Lightninr: Aug. SDWARDt AotU'illy dead.' oh, you got to n%'»^' am oalNbrat* . H«re, - If you*r« rolnff to "^^w York — talc* nj/ tic:;?3t. But wo won«'t. lot you ro. 39. Oh this la a "big 5«taty — I must hnnfila it. Xhit woitti?7 l9ft an estate -- rioh?? Rloh? A hundred and eifrhty thousand dollars. ALBiKS: CffrASPinr his for^hi ad) that? 11 iOSMi2X"SR: Thit rauoh? io.isi)tne) Mora than I pot.' LAWRENOJSt Wall, ahe's Tjeen lioo^imulat inc» ^t** New York -ittorneys wired ni«, thdit in looking over h«r i) Ap^rs they found that for tha laat twanty-five .v«ars ah^? h-*s "begnrec eivltig fourt':s3n 8«oar>*te allowanc-33 3sioh laonvh. yourt J snT Wh»t 7 EDWAR!): fourteen exoeT)tion3? Ihat many fools.* And sh^ wilisit all — every penny — a hundr^Jd and eiriity thousand doll*r3 --to New York Orphan Aaylujm. 37 (It? despai r) All that (Tood raon-rj - to a ^noh of »trv'«ig» orphana. E-JWARO: Ihit "blood-non'jy - to 30jQe\>ody»3 'als« ohildr^nt TUCfZERs All- every penny - to poor inotharl-:si9 ohild.r*>n - t^onus's poor wom-v), that was thd graat sorrow of har life - sh« horsf^lf, ah -3 nav'sr had '* child, fS^yAR") graarjs aiPLiagay-aR. Ig.INKb; and AXJ^SRl flaa» a& ^aoh oth^r. y>i2^^ %nd ?iO'?£ sinJ-: Into »aoh oyer's urm s. (lO ^.VRiar ftfid ?i^niL!)A ?^ttf>!xn c: o yer ^hera* J«^U0>'^^3^ and OO RA o l-iap aaoh oth-3r wUh~^^^~^A ^Tesainfr i«h^) C U B S A I N I b ^p'30