t • © o o Title «< ** s an,2R.45Z5. Imprint. , t - * t' ' ) :*r^^ .^^*. • THE MINOR DRAMA. No. XXXiV. WHO SPEAKS FIRST? '21 Javcc IN ONE ACT. BY CHARLES DANCE. w WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHARACTERS, COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, ETC. PUBLISHED BY M. DOUGLAS, No. 11 SPRUCE STPvEET, NEW YORK. 1850. I D'^^^ EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. This very elegant little piece has become a standard favorite throughout the Union, and a source of reputation and profit to all who have assisted at its representations, whether as auditors or actors. Its moral is good, and its language and situations amusing and instructive. Its being from the pen of that indefatigable dramatist. Dance, is guarantee sufficient for what we may say of its merits. " Who Speaks First " was originally produced at Madame Vestris' Lyceum, Mr. Charles Mathews playing the hero. In New York it has been suc- cessively and successfully performed at Mitchell's Olympic, Burton's, Chanfrau's National, and the Broadway Theatres. Mr. Nickinson, (at the Olympic,) has, in Captain Charles, added another to his long list of original characters, while hia fair and popular daughter Charlotte has created no little sensa- tion — both in New York, Boston, and Albany — by her naive performance of Smart. At the National Mr. Huld was the Captain, and at Burton's and the Broadway our Brother George was personated by Mr. George Jordan, a young gentleman destined, at no very distant period, to become one of the best light comedians on the stage. Our limits prevent our doing justice to all the artistes we have seen in this clever trifle, but we can and do honestly recommend it to all the lovers of the light and amusing class of dramas, as the best farce of the season. N. R. G. CAST OF CHARACTERS* I/yceum, 1849. Olympic, 1849. Broadway, 1849. Captain Charles Mr. C. Mathews. Mr. Nickinson. Mr. Lester. Ernest Militant " R. Roxby. " Palmer. " Dyott. Potter " Meadows. " Stafford. " Matthews. Mra. Militant Mrs. Yates. Miss C. Roberts Miss F. AValfcftk. Smart Miss Marshall. " Nickinson. Mrs. Watts. COSTUMES. The Costumes are those of the present day."! EXITS AND ENTRANCES. R. means Right ; L. Left ; R. D. Right Door ; L, D. Left Door ; S. B. Second Entrance ; U. E. Upper Entrnnce; M. D. Middle Door. RELATIVE POSITIONS. > R. means Right; L. Left; 0. Centre; R. 0. Right qf Centre; L. C. Left of Centre. s^ WHO SPEAKS FIRST? ACT I. Scene I. — The drawing room of a country house. — Ziarge folding doors in c. ; at back, open lawn and view of the country beyond. — Doors on r. and l. leading to inner rooms : on one side, a table, with drawing materials ; on the other, a work table with embroidery frame, 8fc. Mr. Militant discovered at drawing table l., drawing — Mrs. Militant engaged at work table b. — their backs are towards each other. Mrs. M. What a blessing it is to be able to hold one's tongue : and what a comfort to feel that, in that particular, I am an exception to the general rule of my sex ! I mean that odious, unjust and false rule, which those beautiful lox'ds of creation are pleased to say belong exclusively to us. They must surely forget that there are such things as newspapers — when we see that they never meet without talking till they are obliged to cough one another down. Oh, how often I wish to be there, if it were only just to tell them of it! Lords of the creation indeed! lords of their own creation ! There sits my beautifnl lord, thinking himself, no doubt, mighty wise, and flattering himself that I shall be the first to break the bargain of silence we have made. How little does the gentleman know of the woman he has married ; but that's a common case. Why I could sit here for a month without once opening my lips. Mr. M. Who would have credited that my Vf'iie, or 8 WHO SPEAKS riRST. [Act I. indeed any man's wife, could have held her tongue for a week 1 and yet she has, she actually has. It's a wonderful fact in modern history. Mrs. M. I don't call talking to one's self talking ; it'3 merely thinking aloud — and relief of some sort, one must have. Mil. Starving a garrison is better than storming a fortress ; you gain your object, without endangering your life. In that, as in many other things, time stands your friend. Mrs. M. Perseverance in a man is obstinacy, I pre- sume, in a woman — for we — heaven help us! have ever the worst of it. No matter, no matter — obstinacy or perseverance, I think I know who will be tired first. Mil. A man hungers for knowledge and thirsts for infor- mation ; but the pangs of those are nothing compared to a woman craving for conversation. She won't be able to stand it much longer, and then she will open her beak like a young black-bird. Mrs. M. "On human actions, reason though you can. It may be reason, but it is not man." Mil. " I am ashamed that women are so simple To offer war where they should kneel for peace. Or seek for rule, supremacy and sway, When they are bound to serve, love and obey." Mrs. M. [Looking round.] He's not looking this way, I'll take a peep at what he's doing. [Militant coughs — she resumes her work. Mil. [Looking round.] She seems uncommonly busy ; I should like to see what she is about. [Ij[e rises gently and edges towards her table ; she does the same towards his. They meet half ivay, and, without seeing, touch each other — both start, ejaculate, and bounce off- — Mrs. Militant l., Mr. Militant r. Potter puts his head out from door r. / Smart puts her head in from door, l. Pot. (r. c.) [Angrily.] Is that you, Smart ? Is it possi- ble 1 ScEpa I.] WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 9 Smart, (l. c.) You may well say that. Pot. [Coming fortvard.\ Come here this moment, and toll me why you were peeping from behind that door. Smart. I Avas looking at you. Pot. [Relaxing?[ At me ! At me ! Were you looking at me? [^AZi^c] Can I believe my senses? \ Aloud, aiid approacliing hcr.^ Is that true, you little rogue ? Smart. Perfectly true, Mr. Potter. Pot. Don't say Mr. Potter. Smart. Well, then — perfectly true, old Potter. Pot. Don't say old Potter. Smart. Perfectly true, young Potter. Pot. Well, well, say what you like. But tell me, why- were you looking at me ? Smart. I'm ashamed. Pot. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Sf?iart. Nothing to be ashamed of, when a sei'vant is detected prying into the private affairs of his master and misti'ess 1 Pot. Well, that was certainly wrong, but still — Smart. Oh ! don't attempt to excuse it ; you've owned it was wrong, and now never let me catch you doing such a thing again — Pot. Me ! Catch me ? Why, I caught you. Smart. For if you do, I shall be compelled, however painful it may be to betray a fellow servant, to show you up — in short — Pot. Well, I never ! You certainly have your full share of assurance. Now come here ; I don't want to be angry with you, but havn't 1 often told you that you must not listen in this way. Smart. And yet you continue to do it. Pot. Now how can you say so ? I havn't heard one word they said. Smart. That's not for the want of trying, but only because you're a little deaf. Pot. Did you hear ? Smart, Every word. Pot. What did they say to one another? •• Smart. Nothing to one another — they were talking to themselves, at least, so I judge from what master said- mistress was on your side of the house. 10 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. [Act I. Capxain Charles appears at the c. entrance, from the lawn, he is dressed in a frock coat, wears moustachios, and a wig different in color from his natural hair. He carries a carpet bag in his hand. Cap. (c.) Some signs of living beings at last. [Potter and Smart start. Tot. (r.) Bless me ! A stranger. Cap. (c.) Don't be alarmed at me ; I don't bite. Smart, (l.) Who did you please to want, sir? Cap. Oh ! anybody ; only 1 could find nobody. There was nobody at the lodge gate, so I walked through — nobody in the grounds, so I walked on — nobody at the window, so I walked in — and now, after all that walking, if you'll take my bag, I'll take a chair. [He holds his hag towards Potter. Smart. [ Taking it.\ Allow me, sir, [Aside, and examin- ing the bag.] No name upon it, I declare. [Aloud.] Don't you think it a bad plan, sir, not to have your name and address on your carpet bag. Cap. For those who wish to find out who 1 am, verj/. Pot. [Aside.] Egad, he's a match for her, if I'm not. Smart. If you will oblige me with one of your cards, I'll sew it on. Cap. When I do, you sJiall. But there's no huiTy, I shall most likely stay here some time. Smart. A friend of master's, sir ? Cap. I hope to prove so. Pot. Of my mistress then, sir ] Cap. I'm a friend of the whole family. Smart. They have only been married four months, sir. Cap. And so there can't be any family. Come, that's pretty smart. Synart. [Aside.] Pretty Smart ! I declare, he knows my name. Pot. Will you favor me with your name, sir ? Cap. Charles, Potter. Pot. Potter is my name, sir. Cap. I know it, and mine is Captain Charles. Are your master and mistress at home ? Pot. Yes, sir. Which shall I take your name to 1 Cap. Both. I wish to see them together. [Sits c. Scene 1] WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 11 Smart. Ah, sir, so do we. But I fear we' shall never see them together. Pot. What are you saying. Smart ? All she means to say is this — Smart. Take care what you're about, Mr. Potter — don't you be letting out the secrets of the family. If master and mistress don't agree, what have strangers to do with it ? Cap. [Aside.^ The report I have heard, then, is true. I'm glad I've done as 1 have. [Aloud.] Come, you need have no secrets from me. I am a sincere friend of both paities, and may be of service. Pot. I'm sure, sir, if I thought that — but you see it*s very awkward — we don't know who or what you are. Cap. I'm a gentleman. Pot. Well, 1 must say you look like one ; but, la, sir, good clothes are no proofs now-a-days. Cap. I'll offer better. [To Potter.] Did a snob ever give you a five pound note 1 Pot. No, sir ; nor a gentleman neither. Cap. If I give you one, what will you say I am I Pot. A real gentleman. Cap. There, then. [Holding one to him — 7ie takes if. Smart. Stop, Mr. Potter. If you think it right to trust this gentleman, do so, but never accept a bribe for doing your duty. [ Takes the note out of his hand. Cap. Nay ^ I gave the money to him. Smart. It's all right, sir. I'll put it in the savings' bank for him. [Puts it in her pocket. Cap. [To Potter.] Well, never mind — tell me the truth, assist me, and you shall have another. Mr. and Mrs. Militant don't agree ? Pot. I fear not, sir. Cap. What do they quarrel about ? Smart. Straws. Cap. I'm glad to hear it, for then there's nothing serious. Smart. It's so serious as this — they havn't spoken for the last week. Cap. So much the better — they can't have quarrelled during that time. Pot. No, sir, no ; but it's terrible to see married people 12 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. [Act I, on such terms. [Looking at Smart.] I'm sure if I had a nice little wife — Smart. Do be quiet, you silly old man ! Pot. I will not. I'm sure this gentleman means well, and I will up and tell him all. They have made an agreement, and by listening, I am ashamed to say, at the door — Smart. He has discovered what it is, sir. Pot. [Astonished.] 1% Cap. Come, come — the agreement. Pot. Well, sir, it's this. Whoever speaks to the other first, is to own to having been in the wrong, to apologize to the other, and to give way for the future. Cap. And which do you think suffers most from this agreement 1 Smart. Well, sir, I don't think that either of them like it ; but it's scarcely a fair one, for mistress, you know, is a lady, and it falls uncommon hard upon her. Cap. I understand. Now, do you go to your master and say Captain Charles has called, and then leave us together. [To Smart,] But mind, no listening, or I may chance to take that note out of the savings' bank. Smart. Do you hear, old Potter, no listening, or I'm to keep the money. Cap. Stay ! — you must promise me to keep my secret better than you have kept your master's. Both. You may depend on us, sir. Cap. Give me your hand upon it, old Potter. {^Potter does so.] And your's. Smart. La, sir ! [Gives Tier hand.] What a nice unproud gentleman. Re-enter Militant, door l. — Smart screams, and runs off, L. Mil. Potter, what does this mean 1 Cap. [To Potter.] Hold your tongue, and leave the room. [Exit Potter, r. Mil. Pray, sir, may I ask who it is I have the honor of addressing? Cap. Honor it is not — pleasure I hope it will be. My name is Captain Charles. I am an old friend of your wife. Scene I.] WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 13 Mil. And of my servants seemingly. Caj}. Well, that's partly true. But you are astonished &t seeing me shake hands with them. Bless your heart, after gas, steam, railroads, and electric lights, it is time to leave off being astonished at trifles such as that. I have been abroad fifteen years, and have learned to become a citizen of the world. I was only fraternizing. Mil. Have you seen Mrs. Militant, sir ] Caj). Not yet. As I know she'll be delighted to see me, I could not deny you the pleasure of presenting me Mil. Me, sir ! me 1 Cap. Aye, to be sure, [^l^ic^c] I knew he dared not, or I would not have asked him. [Aloud.] Who so fit? You can't have done with delicate attentions yet ; you've only been married four months. Mil. Quite time enough to leave olF all such nonsense. People come to their senses when they marry. Cap. Do you think so ] I don't think Mrs. Militant agrees with you — Mil. [Jnierruptifig.] What, sir? Cap. Upon that point. Ladies like delicate attentions after marriage as well as before. Mil. Then they should study to deserve them. Cap. Quite right — so they should. Doesn't she 1 Bill. Did I assert anything of the kind, sir ? Cap. Certainly not. But 7 say doesn't she ? Mil. Pray, sir, by what right do you ask these ques- tions ? Cap. By the rights of humanity. Come, come, you mustn't be angry with me. Pm an odd fellow — but I take great interest in you on account of your wife. Mil. You're very kind, Pm sure. Cap. I wish to prove so. To the point, then. You are not on the terras you ought to be. Mil. You know this 1 Cap. I do. Mil.- From m}* servants, I presume. Cap, From yourself. Come., there's no use in deny- ing. You would like to be on more comfortable terms with her, would not you 1 Mil. [Aside.] Hang the fellow, he worms it out of one m spite of one's self. [Aloud.] Why, of course. 14 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. [Act J. Cap. That's right, I knew you would. The fact is, she had parents who, though excellent people, indulged her too much in her youth, and when people have had their own way for twenty years they don't relish giving it up. Had you married her at seventeen, you might have moulded her to anything. Mil. I have only known her a twelve-month. Cap. An excellent reason for not marrying her before. Will you be guided by me ? Mil. I don't know what it is that makes me say so, but I will. Cap. Come, then, you shall go with me to her-— you shall say — Mil. No, I can't say that. Cap. You don't know what it is. Mil. No — but I can't say anything. Cap. Very well, thenj you shan't. She shall make the first advance. Now, go along into your room, and I'll have a talk with your wife. Mil. [Going-^returns.] You'll be good enough to re- member that she is my wife. Cap. Never fear me. Mil. What have I to trust to 1 Cap. The word and honor of an officer and a gentle- man. Mil. Something whispers me that I may trust you. [Going — returns.] But remember, no concessions. Cap. Trust me, and vanish. [Exit Militant, l. — Smart peeps in door l. — Charles sees her.] Ah ! ah ! Didn't I tell you that I would have no listening. Smart. But I wasn't listening. Cap. No — what were you doing, then t Smart. I was looking at you, and saying to myself what a fine looking gentleman you was. Cap. Oh! stuff and nonsense. Smart. It's truth I'm telhng you, Besides, I was watching Potter — there's no dependance on that "old man, and it's absolutely necessary to watch him. Cap. Go along, you jade, and tell your mistress that a very old friend wishes for the pleasure of seeing her. Smart. I didn't quite catch your name, sir? ScENB I.] WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 15 Cap. Then you can't tell it. Say a very old friend- that s enough. Smart. [Aside:\ It may be enough for you, but it's not ior mo; so 1 must try a little more listening. n Tr 1 f^^^^ Smart to Mrs. Militant'. i room, r. (uap If the lady prove as intractable as the gentle- man. I shall have a difficult job. But my cause is I good one — she comes. ° Enter Mrs. Militant, K.-^Captain hows— she curtseys. _ Mrs. M. Some mistake, sir, I presume. My maid mformed me that an old friend of mine wished to see me i^op. A mistake, madam, and yet no mistake. A friend Ot your husband may, I trust, without presumption, claim to be reckoned among the number of yours _ Mrs. M. My husband is, I believe, in his own rooms sir; with your leave I will send my maid to inform him that you are here. \Goin^ L Cap. Nay; pray do not leave the room. I ''have already seen my friend Militant, and it is by his request or rather with his leave, that I pay my respects to you! Mrs. M. Your name, sir, is ? — Cap. Charles, madam. Captain Charles, of the In- fantry. I have been many years abroad— have but just returned— and hearing that one in whom I take a great interest was recently married, I came to pass a few days here, and offer my congratulations. Mrs. M Marriage, sir, is not always a subject of con- gratulation. '' _ Cap. No— and, to be frank with you, I fear that yours is not. •' Mrs. M. Really, sir, these remarks from a stranger— Cap. Would be very impertinent— but from an old inend — Mrs. M. Of my husband, remember ! Cap. Man and wife are one— a friend to one is a Iriend to the other— and I am most anxious to be so acknowledged by both. _ Mrs. M. Your manners, sir, I must admit, are very kind— your intentions, doubtless, good— but I entreat you^will spare me the pain of this discussion. Cap. In anything else I should be dehghted to oblige 16 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. I[Acx I you, but there you really must excuse me. Permit me to offer you a chaii". [Brings two, and places one for her, Mrs. M. [Impatiently.^ 1 had rather not sit down, sir. Cap. May I entreat you ? Five minutes only, to oblige an old friend — of your husband's. Mrs. M. [Aside.l I never met with such a provoking man as this ; there's no getting away from him. [Sits down. Cap. Thank you ! thank you ! How very amiable you are. [Sits down, looTis ea,rnestly at her, and falls into a reverie. Mrs. M. [After a pause.] Well, sir ! Cap. Charlotte ! Mrs. M. [Jumping up.] Charlotte, sir ! Cap. I beg your pardon. Mrs. M. And well you may. Cap. What's the matter 1 Mrs. M. Charlotte, sir, is my Christian name. Cap. Pray sit down again, madam. I've no doubt it is — in fact, it must be — for, when I was talking these matters over with your husband, " Charlotte and I," said he— Mrs. M. [Sitting down.] I have no wish to hear what my husband said. Cap. Then you shan't. — But listen to what I say. Your father and mother were excellent people, but, un- fortunately, you lost them both. Mrs. M. If you. could find anything but painful subjects to talk about I should be better pleased. Cap. You were an only daughter, and by over indul- gence they spoiled you. Mrs. M. Not a word against my pai'ents, if you please. Cap. By no means. It was an amiable weakness — but still it was a weakness. Mrs. M. I don't agree with you. Cap. Then it was not. You were headstrong — Mrs. M. [Rising.] Sir! Cajj. But kind-hearted. Mrs. M. Oh 1 [Sits again. Cap. Of a hasty tempei". Mrs. M. [Rising.] Sir ! ScEXE I.] WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 17 Cap. But generous and forgiving. Mrs. M. Oh! [Sits again. Ca2>. In short, a kind word could lead you, though a harsh one failed to drive you. Mrs. M. You're very kind. Caj). Being a lady of great personal accomplishments — \^]SIrs. Militant boios.^ — you found it hard to give up your own way, to which you had been so long accustomed, and hence these little difficulties with your husband — Mrs. M. Little difficulties ! — little difficulties ! You little know what you're talking about. Cap. I'm sure I don't wish to undervalue them. My merit will be the more if I help you to surmount them. We'll say great difficulties. Mrs. M. Great ! They're monstrous ! Cap. Your husband isn't one. Mrs. M. I don't know that. Cap. Well, but I do. Your husband is a very good fellow, though I say it. Mrs. M. [Pettishly.] 1 dare say you think so. Cap. He laments, day and night, the coolness that exists between you. Mrs. M. [Softening.] I wish I was sure of that. Cap. And he loves you deeply and sincerely. Mrs. M. [Anxiousli/.] Did he tell you so 1 Cap. If he did, I'm not going to tell you. My object is to gain confidence — not to betray il. Now how stands the account on your side ] You hate him. Mrs. M. It's false ! Cap. I'm glad to hear it. You're angry with him. Mrs. 31. Often — [Checking herself.] — that is, some- times. Cap. You're vexed by him. Mrs. M. Frequently — constantly. Cap. Now, what for 1 Mrs. M. Oh ! a thousand things. Cap. We meet in this world with a thousand things that don't signify, to one that does — tell me that one. Mrs. BI. I could tell you twenty. Cap. Go on. Mrs. M. Stop ! Are you married ? Cap. No. 18 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. [AcT I. Mrs. M. Then you're not a fit judge. Cap. I ask your pardon — I am the ra^ie impartial Mrs. M. [Aside] Tiresome man ! [Aloud.] Well, then, to begin with the morning. I have a horror of being down stairs before nine, and he insists on breakfasting at eight. Cap. Showing, thereby, his affectionate solicitude for your health. Mrs. M. No doubt. After breakfast, when I wish to be at work in my own room, nothing must satisfy him but I must go into the drawing-room to play and to sing to him. Cap. Proving distinctly that his greatest delight is to have no other society then the wife of his choice, Mrs. M. Indeed ! Then I should be glad to know why I am never allowed to say " not at home," when people call ] Cap. Because he is so fond of you that he can't bear to lose an opportunity of parading you before his friends. Mrs. M. [Aside.] This man is like a dressmaker who sends you home a gown full of faults, and when she comes to try it on, so pulls and fidgets it about that they all seem, for the moment, to have disappeared. Cap. Go on, madam ; I am all attention. Mrs. M. [Rising.] Sir, I have not another word to say, except to admire the cleverness with which you make the worse the better cause, and to lament that your country, in gaining, perhaps, an indifferent soldier- Cop. Madam ! Mrs. M. Should have lost a first-rate lawyer. [ Curtseys. Cap. I'm glad, you think so — you will have the less hesitation in placing your cause into my hands. You shall go with me to your husband, and you shall say to him — Mrs. M. That I certainly will not. Cap. I havn't told you what it is. Mrs. M. I shall not say it, whatever it is. ' Cap. Why not ? Mrs. M.. No matter — I have a reason. Cap. [Aside.] I know you have, [Aloud.] Well, I must manage as well as I can. You ought to be happy to- SCBNE I.] WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 19 gether, and, somehow or another, I'll contrive to make you so. Mrs. 31. It is impossible, sir, not to be grateful for your kind intentions, but I fear you will not succeed. Cap. If you fear failure you wish success, and that will help me to ensure it, Mrs. M. Very likely — but 1 won't speak. Cap. I won't ask you. I'll speak for you, but I will say those things to which your heart responds ; for, spite of a little hastiness of temper, it is a good and kind heart. Come, come, you know it is, Charlotte. Mrs. BI. Charlotte again, sir ! Cap. Did I say Charlotte ? Quite an accident, my dear madam, I assure you. I beg a thousand pardons. Mrs. M. I must request that you don't allow such an " accident " to occur again ] \^She turns from him indignantly — hefolloios her and, endeavors to soothe her. Mil. [Looking out of door r.] What the deuce has he been saying to her 1 She seems affronted with him. Mrs. M. Very likely, sir, it may be so; but if you repeat it, I shall feel it my duty to consult my husband. Mil. \Advancing hastily.^ Confound it, this will never do. I must — Mrs. Militant — oh, I forgot, I can't — [Checks him.self. Cap. There is your husband, madam ; state your case. [Mrs. Militant moves towards Militant, and is ahout to speak, hict remembers the agreement, checks her- self with diffic^ilty, and resii.mes her place. Cap. Well, if you won't, I must. [To Militant.] I was talking with " your good lady," as the tradespeople say, about some alterations which I venture to suggest in the flower beds thei-e on the lawn. Mrs. M. [Aside.] Monstrous effrontery ! Cap. When she said, in a tone which it would have done your heart good to hear — [M7's. Militant testifies im- patience aside to him — he proceeds without regarding zY.] — for, upon my life and soul, I think she must be the most affectionate of wives ; " My first duty is to consult my husband." — [Mrs. Militant, as hefore, advances to Militant, is about to speak, hut checks herself and returns i\ This delicate and becoming deference was so completely 20 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. [AoT I in harmony with the anxious wish which you expressed just now, to find out, without her knowing it, what present she would like best on her next birthday. [Militant advances to Mrs. M., and is about to speak, hut checks hi/nself, and returns. Mil. [Aside.'] Hang the fellow ! Cap. That it gives me the sincerest pleasure, even at the risk of betraying confidence, to make your mutual wishes known to one another. [Militant and Mrs. Mili- tant advance as if to speak to each other, but check them- selves and return.] How interesting it is to witness this mixture of merit and modesty — you can't deny it, you won't acknowledge it. But my business is to make you better acquainted. I pass over the thousand and one glowing colors in which each painted to me the other's worth, and come at once to the conclusion, in which you severally exclaimed, just as we see the words printed in the ensemble part of an operatic duett — tio ( ™an ) ui ^ • ( wife." ) " Sure never was { > so blest m a < , , j » > ( woman ) ( husband. ) [Militant and Mrs. Militant, both much excited, approach the Captain, and are about to speak — he checks them.] Stay, stay ! I havn't done ; — and at the end, each said, as if one soul animated the two, " I have been hasty, but I will go at once, own my folly, and ask forgiveness." Mr. and Mrs. M. [ Together.] I never said anything of the sort. Mil. Oh ! you have spoken. Mrs. M. So have you. Mil. You spoke first. Mrs. M. I did not. Cap. Both right and both Wrong — you spoke together. Mrs. M. Then it goes for nothing. Mil. Agreed. Cap. I don't exactly know what "agreed" means when people quarrel, but — Mil. It is not all necessary that you should, sir. I dare say you mean well, but I will take it as a favor if you will interfere no farther in my family affairs. Mrs. M. I perfectly coincide in that sentiment. I beg you'll drop the subject. Cap. Certainly, if you wish it, for the future I'm Scene I.] AVHO SPEAKS FIRST. 21 dumb ; but as I meant well, you'll give me your hand, won't you, in token of foi'giveness. Mrs, M. Oh, well — there's my hand. [ Turning aioay her head and holding out her hand. Cap. [ To Militant.] I say, as I meant well, you'll give me your hand. Mil. Oh, as far as that goes. [ Turns away his head and holds out his hand. Charles manages that their hands shall meet. Cap. Come, come — one kind shake. [They shake ha7ids.] Bravo, bravo ! it's all right ! [They turn, and finding they have hold of each othefs hand, they let go, and flounce away indignantly. Mil. I'm excessively annoyed with you, sir ! [Exit into roojn, l. Mrs. M. I shall not easily forgive this. Cap. Yes you will. Mrs. M. I tell you I shall not, and I suppose I know myself. Cap. All the world supposes that, and nine-tenths of it are mistaken. I tell you you zvill forgive me. Mrs. M. You'll find it difficult to prove your words. Cap. Not the least. You remember your father ? Mrs. M. My father ! Bless his kind heart. Cap. And your mother 1 Mrs. M. Shall I ever forget her — dear, kind soul ! Cap. I remember them both. Mrs. M. You do ? Cap. I esteemed, honored, I may say, loved them. One word would change their anger, however just, to kindness. For their sakes you will forgive me. Mrs. M. [Holding both her hands to him.] That I will ! Why did you not tell me this before ? Cap. I told you you'd forgive me. Mrs. M. Freely, freely. Cap. [Drawing her towards hi?n.] Bless you ! [Kisses her — she screams; at the same moment Mili- tant appears door l., Smart l. c. door. Potter r. c. door. — Smart screams after her mistress and louder, Mrs. M. Monster ! ^ [Rushes off door r. Mil. [Advancing.] Scoundrel ! Cap. Holloa ! holloa ! Strong expressions ! 22 WHO SPE ,KS FIRST. [Act I. MiL I'll bi'eak every bone in your skin ! Cap. Don't be rash, my good friend ; we army men have an insuperable objection to being struck. Potter. [Getting before Militant.^ Master, dear master, pray calm yourself. Mil. Stand out of the way, sir. Smart. [ To Captain Charles.^ La, sir, how could you go to do such a thing 1 I'd rather you'd kissed me twenty times. Mil. Death and furies, sir ! didn't I see you kiss my wife ? Gap. I can't say — I wasn't looking your way. Mil. Do you dare to assert that she gave you any en- coui'agement % Cap. Certainly not. The little event was as unex- pected by her as it was unpremeditated by me. Mil. Then I demand instant satisfaction. Pot. [Asidc^ Anything to calm him. [Aloud.] Perhaps, sir, the mistress did give the gentleman some encourage- ment. I saw her take hold of both his hands. Mil. You did ? Then she shall answer for herself. [Going towards her room — Smart gets in his way. Smart. Don't believe him, sir — he's as blind as a bat! Mistress didn't give him any encouragement : mistress would have seen him hanged first. Cap. You're a good little girl. Mil. And well paid for her services, no doubt. Smart. Come, sir, don't you go to take away an honest girl's character. Mil. Get out with you ; I have matters of more conse- quence to attend to. Cap. Militant, you are the most ungrateful man living. After the way in which I have tried to sei^ve you, too. Mil. Was there ever such insufferable coolness ! Cap. It's quite necessary that one of us should be cool. Look at the passion you are in. Mil. Are you ready to fight me, sir ? Cap. No. Mil. You are an officer in the army, I believe. Cap. For that very reason. If my life is worth any- thing, it belongs to my country, and I have no right to throw it away in a silly duel. Mil. Then I'll post you. SCEiVE I.] WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 2^ Cap. If I were a captain in tlie navy instead of the armv I sboukl be very much obliged to you for posting mc — but never mind, post away — postage is cheap now. Mil. You're a coward, sir. Cap. No, Vm not; for I have suilicient courage to bear your abuse, which I don't deserve, without resenting it. Mil. Very fine, I dare soy. Potter. Put. Yes, sir. ?dil. Fetch my pistols. \_Smart screai7is.]^ Hold your tongue, you baggage! \SmaTt looks Jiim hard in the face and screams harder ; Captain Charles throuis himself into a chair.\ Stand aside, you old twaddler, I'll fetch them myself. \JEixit door l. Smart. I suppose, sir, if you are really a gentleman, after the manner in which you have behaved to mistress, you won't think of shooting master. Cap. Don't be alarmed, child; there's no danger. Pot. Isn't there, indeed, sir? La! what pleasant hearing ! Then you won't shoot my poor, dear young master, but, like a good, kind gentleman, you let him shoot you. Cap. 1 don't exactly know that. Pot. Oh ! do, sir, let him shoot you, and make us all happy. Enter Militant loith pistols, doort,. Mil. Now, sir, follow me. Cap. Well, sir, since you insist upon it. \Aside to Smart.^ Scream! \^S7nart screams.] Louder! [Smart screavis louder. Mil. We have no time to lose, sir. Cap. I'm quite ready. \Aside to Smart.] Hold me back. [Smart pulls at him — he affects to struggle with her^ What is the girl about — how strong she is ! [Aside to her. Give a jolly good scream, can't you? [Smart screams again — Mrs. Militant appears at her door.] That will do. [He breaks from Smart, goes to Militant, and takes one of the pistols from him. Mil. [ Who does not perceive Mrs. Militant.] Come on, sir, and you shall soon feel the weight of a husband's indignation at an insult offered to a wife he loves. [ They arc going off. 24 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. [Act I. Mrs. M. Hold, Ernest. [Goes to him. takes his hand, and brings him down the stage.] For mercy's sake, what are you going to do? Mil. Leave me, Charlotte, this instant. My honor, your honor, requires it. But for that girl's screaming all vvould have been well. Smart. [Aside.] 1 believe I did scream, too. Mrs.M. "Well!" Ernest] Is it well that I should lose you just when I have learned to value youl Is it well that you should risk your life in contest with a ivorthless libertine ? Cap. Thank you, Charlotte. Mrs. M. Silence, sir ! for shame ! [ To Militant.] I own myself hasty and wrong, but I never will give you cause for anger again. If it were for no other reason — and believe me, my chief care is anxiety for you — I could not bear the scandal this encounter would give rise to. I entreat you to forget the past and leave the future to me ? Mil. It shall be so, since you wish it ; but why did you bring that man into the house 1 Mrs. M. I, my dear Ernest ! I ? Why did you ? Mil. He's 2/our friend. Mrs. M. Excuse me, yours. Mil. Pray, sir, whose friend are you? Cap. Settle it among yourselves — I am not particular. Mrs. M. He introduced himself to me as a friend of my husband's. Mil. And to me as a friend of my wife's. [ To Captain Charles.] Your reason, sir, for thus imposing on us ? Cap. Nay, you imposed on yourselves. If you hadn't been engaged in silly squabbles, and hadn't made a child- ish agreement not to speak to one another, you would have found me out long ago. Mrs. M. [To Militant.] There's too much truth in that. Mil. No matter, sir ; it appears that you are an impostor : you will, therefore, be pleased to leave the house this instant. Cap. Well, that's civil, at any rate ! Don't you meav to ask me to dinner ? Mil. Begone, sir ! Scene I.] WHO SPEAKS FIRST. 25 Cap. Upon my soul! you are two of the most ungrate- ful people I ever met with in my life. I came here to pass a few days with you — I found you at loggerheads — you hadn't spoken for a week, you mightn't for a month. X set you all right, and now you propose to kick me out. Mrs. M. I trust, sir, there will be no occasion for vio- lence, but the comfort of a family, into which you have somewhat strangely intruded yourself, requires your im- mediate departure. Go, therefore, but peaceably; for, rude as a part of your conduct has been, 1 must confess that we are, in some soit, indebted to you. Cap. Well, you arc more polite than your pugnacious husband there, I must say, and since you wish it, I'll go ; but you admit that you're indebted to me? Mrs. M. I do. Cap. Then, perhaps, before I go, you would like to settle the little account. 3Irs. M. I should prefer anything, sir, to remaining under obligation to a stranger. CajK Then give us another kiss. Mrs. M. Wretch ! [Militant is about to rush on him — Mrs. Militant in- terposes. Mil. Nothing on earth but my promise to ray wife saves you from personal chastisement. Cap. Don't apologize, I beg ; so that I do escape, I'm not curious about the reason. Mil. But you're whole conduct proves you to be a disgrace to the honorable profession to which you belong, and my opinion is that your coat ought to be stripped off your back. Cap. Is that your deliberate opinion ? [Going to him. Mil. It is. Cap. Then here it goes. [Takes off his coat and throws it down — Militant and Mrs. Militant express surprise and disgust.^ Perhaps you think I deserve to lose my waist- coat also. [Takes that off and throws it down. Mrs. M. What in the world is the man about? Cap. Anything more ? Mrs. M. Militant, Militant, stop him ! [Militant advances. Cap. Oh ! come, Mrs. Charlotte, I can stand anything 26 WHO SPEAKS FIRST. [AcT I. but affectation. [Militant pauses.] Do you mean to say that you never saw me without my coat and waistcoat before. Mil. Charlotte, what does this mean 1 Mrs. M. How should I knowl [To Captain Charles.] Never, you very wicked man !' Cap. I'll be hanged, if women don't beat men foi' effrontery! The next thing you'll say is that I never saw you in your night-cap. [Mrs. Militant gives an exclamation of horror. Mil. This is too monstrous ! Potter, give me one of those pistols, and if he don't instantly fly, I'll commit manslaughter. Cap. My dear fellow, you're so dreadfully hasty ! Suppose, now, your wife were to confess to you that all I have asserted is true — what then 1 Mil. Then, sir, I would cast her off forever. Cap. Spoken like a man. [To Mrs. Militant.] One word with you, if you please, in private ? Mrs. M. Not for worlds. Mil. Charlotte, I insist upon it. Mrs. M. Then I obey. [Retires up the stage tvith Captain Charles ■— he u-Jdspers to her, she v)hispers to him, he whispers to hrr again; she starts, gives an exclamation of delight, and is ah out to rush into his arms — he checks her, and points to Militant. Mil. [Observing them — Aside.] Ha! what can this mean 1 [They return — Captain Charles leading her hy the hand. Cap. Now, sir, ask her. [He resumes his coat and waistcoat. Mil. I am ashamed to do so, but, to make all clear — Charlotte, is this true % Mrs. M. Perfectly ! [Militant starts.] These allowable and natural familiarities — Mil. Natural ! — I shall go mad ! Mrs. M. Have passed between me and my long-absent brother — Cap. [Taking off his wig.] Captain George Mont- gomery, at your service. SciLVK I. WHO SPEAKS FIRSI. 27 3Iil. My brother-in-law ! Cap. Exactly! Whom your violence was near changing to a brother-a^-law. [T/ici/ shal