N°- LX. »R 3454 .113 1823 :°py i OXBBRRYS ,•':'■■ v \ 7tr if *mr \ JSIEW THE MISUSE, U J^rwra iFUUrtws. I ♦ — U- <> boston: f X it* 1823. 1^ PUBLISHED BY WELLS AND LILLY— COURT-STREET : ! A. T. GOODRICH & CO. NEW- YORK. mum CONTAINED IN THIS EDITION, AS PAR AS YET PUB- LISHED IN ENGLAND. No. I A New Way to Pay Ola" Debts. 2 Rivals. 3 West Indian. 4 Hypocrite. 5 Jealous Wife. 6 She Stoops to Conquer. 7 Richard III. 8 Beggar's Opera. 9 Wonder. 10 Duenna. 11 Alexander the Great. 12 Lionel and Clarissa. 13 Hamlet. 14 Ve'nice Preserved. 15 Is He Jealous? * 16 The Woodman's Hut. * 17 Love in a Village v 18 Way to Keep Hiik * 19 Castle Spectre. f 20 Maid of the Mill. 21 Clandestine Marriage. 22 Soldier's Daughter. 23 Othello. 24 Distressed Mother. 25 Provoked Husband. 26 Deaf and Dumb. 27 Busy Body. 28 Belle's Stratagem. 29 Romeo and Juliet. 30 'Recruiting Officer. 31 Bold Stroke for a Wife. 32 Road to Ruin. 33 Beaux' Stratagem. 34 As you Like It. 35 King John. 36 Country Girl. 37 Jane Shore. 38 Critic. * 39 Coriolanus. 40 Rosina. * 41 Suspicious Husband. 42 Honest Thieves. * 43 Mayor of Garratt. * 44 Merry Wives of Windsor. 45 Stranger. 46 Three Weeks after Mar- riage. * 47 King Lear. 48 Inconstant. 49 Shipwreck. * « 50 Rugantino. * 51 Wild Oats. 52 Rule a Wife and Have a Wife. 53 Magpie. * ^Quaker. * 59 Merchant of Venice. 5^ Wheel of Fortune. 57 Rob Roy. 58 Citizen. * 59 Deserter. * 60 Miser. * 61 Guy Mannering. 62 Cymbeline. 63 Lying Valet. * 64 Twelfth Night. 65 The Confederacy. 66 Douglas. 67 Who's the Dupe ? * 68 Know Your own Mind. 69 Macbeth. 70 Tobacconist. * 71 Midnight Hour. 72 Grecian Daughter. 73 Fortune's Frolic, * 74 King Henry IV. O* T7iQse marked thus * are Farces or Melo-drames; the jices of which are 20 cents; the Plays and Operas 25 cerits. ©jrtictxg's ISttf tiou. THE MISER, A comedy; 1*2 ffeentg jFfeWus, WITH PREFATORY REMARKS. THE ONLY EDITION EXISTING WHICH IS FAITHFULLY MARKED WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, AND STAGE DIRECTIONS, AS IT IS PERFORMED AT THE By W. OXBERRY, Comedian. BOSTON : PUBLISHED BY WELLS AND LILLY — COURT-STREET : A. T. GOODRICH & CO. — NEW-YORK. ,rA3 aw- ftrnuitfcj*. THE MISER. This piece is a plagiarism from Moliere, but it might well pass for a tree of English growth, for the characters are copies from nature, and nature is every where the tame The incidents are more humorous than the dia- logue', which is, indeed, rather arch and lively than hu- mourous or witty. Moliere, however, is under some obli- gations to Plautus, and has, on this occasion, not much Later claims to originality than Fielding, at least, as far „ character is concerned. Neither seem to have been aware that a more judicious reaper had been before them on the same ground. Lovegold is infinitely inferior to the Jaques de Prie of Ben Jonson in " THE case is alter- ed " and in the subordinate characters the advantage is still more in favour of our old bard, who mereover, has in- cident enough in his piece to furnish out a dozen Misers. By uniting the » Miliaria" with the « Captive" of Plau- tus he has produced a comedy which, though for awhile neglected, must be considered as one of the staple orna- ments of the English Drama. For our own parts we do not see that comic authors should play the divines, or that a comedy should be a les- son of morality ; if, however the law is a good one— and it has been so decided, — the Miser must be certainly con- demned, with many of his more worthy brethren ; the ava- rice of Lovegold is no excuse for the knavery of his son and daughter,* and the treachery of Mariana ; that he is a villain, does not make them more honest, and after all it is only the triumph of many young rogues over one old «ne, who succeed by lying, cheating, and even down-right robbery. There is also another great defect in this piece ; the speech of each individual bears no distinctive mark ; there is a peculiar impress which peculiarity of habit lends to language, by which every sort, or at least, class of charac- ter, has its own dialect, as certain and as distinct as the dialects of Ireland and Scotland, or the patois of Venice ; and we invariably find our old poets, — Shakspeare more particularly — attentive to this maxim. The dialects of Nym, Bardolph, and Falstaff, are as different from each other as from the dialect of Greece or Rome ! Nay, even Shallow, though so nearly allied in nature and habits, is yet, in this respect, sufficiently distinguished. It must, however, be allowed, that this excellence is extremely rare since the decay of the great English School, and the want of it therefore must be lightly visited in Fielding. * The daughter,, and many other characters, are omit- ted in representation. <£08ttnue» LOVEGOLD. Old fashioned drab suit. FREDERICK. Fashionable walking dress. RAMILIE. Dress livery. FURNISH. Ibid. SPARKLE. Old fashioned brown suit. SATIN. Old fashioned black suit. LIST. Brown coat, fancy waistcoat, and black breeches^ LAWYER. Old fashioned black suit. SERVANT. Livery. JAMES. First dress.— Old fashioned livery.— Second dress.— White jaeket and apron. MRS, WISELY. Old lady's rich satin dress. MARIANA. Blue body, and muslin petticoat. LAPPET. Coloured muilin gown. iteratro fttpvtmntrt. Lovegold- Frederick Ramilie Furnish Sparkle Satin List Lawyer Servant James Mrs. Wisely Mariana Lappet Covent Garden, Mr. Farren. Mr. Abbot. ■ Mr. Farley. Mr. Atkins. Mr. Comer. Mr. King. Mr. Treby. Mr. Crumpton. Mr. Perm. Mr. Simmons. Mrs. Emery. Miss Matthews. Mrs. Gibbs. THE MISER, ACT I. SCENE l.—Lovegold's House. Enter Lovegold and Ramilie, l.h. Love. Answer me not sirrah, but get out of my house. Ram. Sir, T am your son's servant, and not yours, and I wont go out of the house, sir, unless I am turned out by my proper master, sir. Love. Sirrah, I'll turn your master out after you, like an extravagant rascal as he is ; he has no need of a servant while he is in my house ; and here he dresses out a fellow at more expense than a prudent man might clothe a large family at. It's plain enough what use he keeps you for; but I will have no spy upon my affairs, no rascal continually prying into all my actions, de- vouring all I have, and hunting about in every corner to see what he may steal. Ram. Steal ! a likely thing indeed to steal from a man who locks up every thing he has, and stands sentry upon it day and night ! Love, I'm all over in a sweat, lest thi« fellow 8 THE MISER. should suspect something of my money. — [Aside.) — Hark'ye, rascal, come hither : I would advise you not to run about the town, and tell every body you meet that I have money hid. Ram. Why, have you any money hid, sir? Love. No, sirrah, I don't say 1 have ; but you may raise such a report nevertheless. Ram, 'Tis equal to me whether you have mo- ney hid or no, since I cannot find it. Love. D'ye mutter sirrah? get you out of my house, I say, get you out this instant. Ram. Well, sir, I am going. Love. Come back : let me desire you to carry nothing away with you. Ram. What should I carry ? Love. That's what I would see. Turn your pockets inside out if you please ; but you are too practised a rogue to put any thing there. These damn'd bags have had many a good thing in them, I warrant you. Ram. Give me my bag, sir ; I am in the most danger of being robbed. Love. Come, come, be honest, and return what tbou hast taken from me. Ram. Ay, sir, that I could do with all my heart, for 1 have taken nothing from you, but a few boxes on the ear. Love. And hast thou really stolen nothing ? Ram. No, really, sir. Love. Then get out of my house while 'tis all well, and go to the devil. Ram. Ay, any where from such an old covet- ous curmudgeon. [Exit, r.h. THE MISER. 9 Love. So, there's one plague gone. Now I will go pay a visit to the dear casket. Enter Frederick, r.h.u.e. In short I must find some safer place to deposit those three thousand guineas in, which * receiv- ed yesterday ; three thousand guineas are a sum — Oh, heavens ! 1 have betrayed myself! my pas- sion has transported me to talk aloud, and I have been overheard. How now ! what's the matter? Fred. The matter, sir! Love Yes, the matter, sir? I suppose you can repeat more of my words than these ; I suppose you have overheard — Fred. What sir? Love. That — Fred. Sir! Love. What I was just now saying. Fred. Pardon me, sir, I really did not. Love. Well, I see you did overhear something, and so I will tell you the whole : J was saying to myself in this great scarcity of money, what a happiness it would be to have three thousand guineas by one : I tell you this that you might not misunderstand me, and imagine that I said I had three thousand guineas. Fred I enter not into your affairs, sir. Love. But I have an affair of consequence to mention to you. Pray sir, you who are a fine gentleman, and converse much amongst the la- dies, what think you of a certain young lady called Mariana ? 10 THE MISER/ Fred. Mariana, 9ir ! Love. Ay, what do you think of her? Fred. Think of her, sir ! Love. Why do yon repeat my words ? Ay\, what do you think of her ? Fred. Why, I think her the most charming woman in the world. Love. Would she not be a desirable mateh ? Fred. So desirable that, in my opinion, her husband will be the happiest of mankind. Love. There is one thing fm a little afraid of, that is, that she has not quite as much fortune as one might fairly expect. Fred. Oh, sir ! consider but her merit, and you may easily make an abatement in her fortune. ' For heaven's sake, sir, don't let that prevent your design. Fortune is nothing in comparison with her beauty and merit. Love. Pardon me there; however, there may be some matters found, perhaps, to make up some little deficiency ; and if you would, to oblige your father, retrench your extravagancies on this occasion, perhaps the difference in some time might be made up. Fred. My dearest father ! I'll bid adieu to all extravagance for ever. Love. Thou art a dutiful good boy ; and since I find you have the same sentiments with me, provided she can but make out a pretty tolerable fortune, I am even resolved to marry her. Fred. Ha ! you resolved to marry Mariana ! Love. Ay, to marry Mariana. Fred. Who ?you, you, you ! THE MISER. 11 Love. Yes, I, I, I. Fred. I beg you will pardon me, sir ; a sudden dizziness has seized me, and 1 must beg leave to retire. [Exit, l.h. Love. What the devil's the matter with the boy. Enter James, l.h. Love. Where have you been ? I have wanted you above an hour. James. Whom did you want, sir ? your coach- man or your cook ? for I'm both one and t'other. Love. I want my cook. James. 1 thought, indeed, it was not your coachman : for you have had no great occasion for him since your last pair of geldings were starved — but your cook, sir, shall wait upon you in an instant (Puis off his coachman's great coat, and appears as a cook.) Now sir, 1 am ready for your commands. Love. I am engaged this evening to give a supper. James. A supper, sir ! I have not heard the word this half year; a dinner indeed now and then — but for a supper, I'm almost afraid for want of practice, my hand is out. Love. Leave off your saucy jesting, and see that you provide me a good supper. James. That may be done with a good deal of money, sir. Love. Is the devil in you? always money. Can you say nothing else but money, money, mo- 12 THE MISER. ney ? my children, my servants, my relations, can pronounce nothing but money! James. Well, sir, but how many will there be at table ? Love. About eight or ten ; but I will have a supper dressed but for eight ; for if there be enough for eight there is enough for ten. James. Suppose, sir. at one end a handsome soup at the other a fine Westphalia ham and chickens; on one side a fillet, of veal, on the other a turkey, or rather a bustard, which may be had for about a guinea. Love. Zounds ! is the fellow providing an en- tertainment for my lord mayor and the court of aldermen ! James. Then a ragout — Love. I'll have no ragout — would you burst the good people, you d g? James. Then pray, sir, say what }'ou will have. Love. Why! — see and provide something to cloy their stomachs : let there be two good dish- es of soup-ma >s;re ; a large suet-pudding; some dainty fat pork-pie, — very fat. — A fine small lean breast of mutton, and a large chsh with two arti- chokes. There — that's plenty and variety. James. O dear — Love. Plenty and variety. James. But, Sir, you must have some poultry. Loue.' JNTo, I'll have none. James. Indeed, sir, you should. Love. Well, then — kill the old hen, for she has done laving. THE MISER. 13 James. Lord, sir, how the folks will talk ofit ; — indeed people say enough of you already. Love. Eh ! why what do the people say pray ? James. Ah, sir, if I could be assured you would not be angry. Love. Not at all ; for Pm always glad to hear •what the world says of me. James. Why, sir, since you will have it then, they make a jest of you every where. Nay of your servants on your account. — One says you pick a quarrel with them quarterly, in order to find an excuse to pay them no wages. Love. Pah ! pah ! James. Another says, that you were taken one night stealing your own oats from your own horses. Love. That must be a lie ; — for I never allow them any. James. In a word you are the bye word every where — and you are never mentioned, but by the names of covetous — stingy — scraping old — Love. Get along, you impudent villain ! James. Nay, sir — you said you would not be angry— l^Love. Get out! [Exit James, l.h. Enter Lappet, r.h. Lap. Who's there? Love. Ah, is that you, Lappet? Lap. I should rather ask if it be you, sir? why, you look so young and vigorous — Love. Do I, do I ! 2 * 14 THE MISER. Lap. ,Why, you grow younger and younger every day, sir; you never looked half so young in your ,hfe, sir, as you do now. Why, sir, I know fifty young feliows of five-and-twenty that are oider than you are. Love.. That may be, that may be, Lappet, Considering the lives they lead; and yet 1 am a good ten years above fifty. Lap. VVell ; and what's ten years above fifty ? 'tis the very flower of a man's age. Why, sir, you are now in the very prime of your life. Love. Very true, that's very true, as to under- standing; but I'm afraid could I take off twenty ye irs it would do me no harm with the ladies, Lappet. now goes on our affair with Mariana? have you mentioned any thing about what her mother can give her ? for now-a-days nobody marries a woman unless she brings something with her besides her petticoat. Lap. Sir ! why, sir, this young lady will be worth to you as good a thousand pounds a-yeai as ever was told. Love. How ! k thousand pounds a-year. Lap. Sir, she'll bring you in marriage a vast: store of sobriety, the inheritance of a great love for simplicity -of dress, and a vast acquired fund of hatred for play ; there's your thousand a year. Love, In short, Lappet, 1 must touch, touch, touch, something real. Lap. Never fear, you shall touch something real. I have heard them talk of a certain coun- try where she has a very pretty freehold, which shall be put into your hands. THE MISER. 16 Love. Nay, if it were a copyhold I should be glad to touch it: but there is another thing that disturbs me. You know this girl is young, and young people generally love one another's cornr pany : it would ill agree with a person of my temper to keep an assembly for all the young yakes and flaunting girls in town. Lap. Ah, sir, how little do you know of her ! this is another peculiarity that I had to tell you of: she has a most terrible aversion for all, young people, and loves none but persons of your years. I would advise you above all things to take care not to appear too young ; she insists on sixty at least : she says fifty years is not able t6 content her Love. This humour is a little strange, me- thinks , to say the truth, had I been a woman I should never have loved young fellows Lap I believe you. Pretty sort of stuff in- deed to be in love with young fellows ! Pretty masters indeed with their tine complexions and their fine feathers ! Now, I should be glad to taste the savour that is in any of them, L.-ve. And do you really think me pretty tol- erable ? Lap. r \ olerable ! you are ravishing ! if your picture were drawn by a good hand, sir, it would be invaluable ! Turn about a little if you please: there, what can be more charming! Let me see you walk; (Lovegold struts about.) there's a per- son for you ! tall, straight, free, and degag£e ! Why, sir, you have no fault about you. Love. Not many j hem, hem; not many, I U THE MISER. thank heaven; only a few rheumatic pains now and then, and a small catarrh that seizes me sometimes. Lap. Ah sir, that's nothing ; your catarrh sits very well upon you, and you cough with a very good grace. Love. But tell me, what does Mariana say of my person ? Lap. She has a particular pleasure in talking of it ; and I assure you, sir, 1 have not been back- ward on all such occasions to blazon forth your merit, and to make her sensible how advantage- ous a match you will be to her. Love. You did very well, and I'm obliged to you. Lap. But, sir, I have a*small favour to ask of you — I have a lawsuit depending, which I am on the very brink of losing for want of a little money; (He looks gravely.) and you could easily procure my success if you had the least friend- ship for me. You can't imagine, sir, the plea- sure she takes in talking of you. — (He looks pleas- ed.) — Ah! how you will delight her! how your venerable mien will charm her! she will never be able to withstand you. — But indeed, sir, this lawsuit will be of terrible consequence to me. (He looks grave again.) I am ruined if I lose^Lt, which a very small matter would prevent. Ah, sir, had you but seen the raptures with which she has heard me talk of you ! (He resumes his gaiety.) how pleasure sparkled in her eyes at the recital of your good qualities ! in short, to discover a secret to you which I promised to THE MISER. 17 conceal, I have worked up her imagination till she is downright impatient of having the match concluded. L ve. Lappet, you have acted a very friendly part: and I own that I have all the obligations in the world to you. Lap. I beg you would give me this little as- sistance, sir ; (He looks serious.) it will set me on my feet, and I shall be eternally obliged to you. Love. Farewell; I'll go and finish my des- patches. Lap. I assure you, sir, you could never assist me in a greater necessity. Love. I must go and give some orders about a particular affair — Lap. 1 would not importune you, sir, if I was not forced by the last extremity. Love \ expect the tailor about turning my coat. Don't you think this coat will look wejj enough turned, with new buttons, for a wedding- suit? Lap. For pity's sake, sir, don't refuse me this small favour: 1 shall be undone, indeed, sir: if it were but so small a matter as ten pounds, s?r. Love. I think I hear the tailor's voice. Lap If it were but five pounds, sir; but three pounds, sir: nay, sir, a single guinea would be of service for a day or two. (As he offers to go out on either side she intercepts him.) Love. I must go; I can't stay. Hark there, somebody calls me. I'm very much oblige.' to you ; indeed 1 am very much obliged to y«>u. I'll do for you Lappet, you shall never know what I'll do for you. [Exit, l.h. 18- THE MISER. Lap. Go to the gallows, to the devil, like a covetous good-for-nothing villain as you are. [Exit, r.h. END OF ACT I. ACT II. SCENE I.— A Chamber. Enter Ramilie, r.h. and Lappet, l.h. Ram. Well, madam, what success? Lap. Never was^j^elrson of rav function so used ; all my rhetorTCjft? ailed nothing. While I was talking to him about rft[g\ lady, he smiled and was pleased, but the moment I mentioned money to him, his countenance changed, and he understood not one word that I said. But now, Ramilie, what do you think this affair is that I am transacting ? Ram. Nay, Mrs. Lappet, now you are putting too severe a task upon me. How is it possible, in the vast variety of affairs which you honour with taking into your hands, that I should be able to guess which is so happy to employ your immediate thoughts? Lap. Let me tell you then, sweet sir! that 1 am transacting an affair between your master'^ mistress and his father. THE MISER. 19 Ram. What affair, pr'ythee ? Lap. What should it be but the old one, mat- rimony ? In short your master and his father are rivais. Ram. I am glad on 7 t, and I wish the old gen- tleman success with all my heart. Lap. How ! are you your master's enemy? Ram. No, madam, I am so much his friend that I had rather he should lose his mistress than his humble servant, which must be the case, for I am determined against a married family. I will never be servant to any man -wiio is not his own master. — But is the old gentleman in love? Lap. Oh, profoundly ! delightfully ! oh that you had but seen him its I have ; with his feet tottering, t^is.eyes wattering, his teeth chatter- ing! his old trunk was shaken with a fit of love, just as if it had been a fit of an ague. Ram. He will have more cold fits than hot I believe. — Well, if you do succeed in your under- taking, you will allow this, I hope, that 1 first put it into your head. Lap. Yes, it is true you did mention it first ; but I thought of it first, 1 am sure ; 1 must have thought of it: but I will not lose a moment's time ; for notwithstanding all 1 have said, young feliows are devils. Besides, this has a most plausible tongue and should he" get access to Mariana, may do in a few minutes what J shall never be able to undo as long as I live. [Exit, l.h. Ram. There goes the glory of all chamber- maids, match her who can. [Exit, r.h, 20 THE MISER. SCENE II. — A Room in LovegoloVs House. Enter LovegOld, and Frederick, r.h. Mrs. Wise- ly, and Mariana, l.h. Mrs. Wise. Mr. Lovegold — my daughter. Love. Pray i.ive me leave, young lady : [Cros- ses to Centre.) I Have been told you have no great aversion to spectacles ; (Futs on his spectacles.) it "is not that your charms do not sufficiently strike the naked eye, or that they want addition ; but it is with glasses we look at the stars, and I'll maintain you are a star of beauty, that is, the finest, brightest, and most glorious of all stars. Mar. I shall never be able to hold it out, un- less you keep him at a greater distance. [Aside.) Love. [Listening.) I shall make the fellow keep his distance, madam. Hark'e, you Mr. Sppndall, why don't you come and make this lady some acknowledgment for the great honour she does your father? Fred. [Crosses to Mar.) My father has indeed, madam, much reason to be vain of his choice : you will be doubtless a very great honour to our family ; notwithstanding which, I cannot help saying, that if it were in my power 1 believe I should make no scruple of preventing the match. Mar. \ believe it indeed ; were they to ask the leave of their children, few parents ii$>u!d marry twice. Love. Why, you ill-bred blockhead, is that the compliment you make your mother-in-law. THE MISER. 21 Fred. Well, sir, since you will have me talk in another style — Suffer me, madam, to put my- self in the place of my father ; and believe me when I swear to you I never saw any one half so charming; that I can imagine no happiness equal to that of pleasing you ; that to be called your husband would be to my ears a title more blest, more glorious, than that of the greatest of princes. Love. Hold, hold, sir! softly, if you please! Fred. I am only saying a few civil things, sir, for you to this lady. Love. Your humble servant, sir! I have a tongue to say civil things with myself; I have no need of such an interpreter as you are, sweet sir ! Mar. If your father could not speak better for himself than his son can for him, 1 am afraid he would meet with little success, Love. I don't ask you, ladies, to drink any wine before supper, lest it should spoil your stomachs. Fred. I have taken the liberty to order some sweetmeats, sir, and tokay, in the next room : 1' hope the ladies will excuse what is wanting. Mrs. Wise. There was no necessity for such a collation. Fred. {To Mariana.) Did you ever see, ma- dam, so fine a brilliant as that on my father's finger? Ma]r. It seems indeed to be a very fine one. Fred. You cannot judge of it, madam, unless you were to see it nearer. If you will give me . 3 2% THE MISER. leave, sir. {Takes it off from his father' s finger and gives it to Mariana.) There is no seeing a jewel while it is on the finger. Mar. It is really a prodigious fine one. Fred. {Preventing Mariana, who is going to re- turn it.) No, madam, it is already in the best hands. My father, madam, intends it as a pre- sent to you, therefore 1 hope you will accept it. Love. Present! I! Fred. Is it not, sir, your request to this lady that she would wear this bauble for your sake ? Love. (Aside to his son.) Is the devil in you? Fred. He makes signs to me that I would en- treat you to accept it. Mar. 1 shall not upon my word. Fred. He will not receive it again. Love. I shall run stark staring mad ! (Aside.) Mar. I must insist on returning it. Fred. It would be cruel in you to refuse him; let me entreat you, madam, not to shock my poor father to such a degree. Mrs. Wise. It is ill-breeding, child, to refuse so often. Love. Oh that the devil would but fly away with this fellow. (Aside.) Fred. See, madam, what agonies he is in lest you should return it — It is not my fault, dear sir i 1 do all 1 can to prevail with her — but she is ob- stinate. — For pity's sake, madam, keep it. Love. (To his son.) Infernal villain ! (Aside.) Fred My father will never forgive me, madam, unless I succeed : on my knees I entreat you. Love. The cut-throat! (Aside.) THE MISER. 2.3 Mrs. Wise. Daughter, I protest you make me ashamed of you. Come, come, put up the ring, since Mr. Lovegold is so uneasy about it. Mar. Your commands, madam, always deter- mine me, and I shall refuse no longer. Love. I shall be undone ! I wish I was buried while I have one farthing left. (Aside.) Enter James, r.h. James. Sir, there is a man at the door who desires to speak with you. Love. Tell him I am busy — bid him come another time— bid him leave his business with you — James. Must he leave the money he has brought, with me, sir ? [Exit< r.h. Love. No, no, stay — tell him 1 come this in- stant. I ask pardon, ladies, I'll wait on you immediately. [Exit, r.h. Fred. Will you please, ladies, to walk into the next room, and taste the collation I was mentioning ? Mrs. Wise. Really, sir, this is an unnecessary trouble ; but since the tokay is provided, I will •taste one glass. Fred. I'll wait on you, madam. [Exeunt, l.h. SCENE II.— A Hall in Lovegold' s House. Enter Frederick and Ramilie, r.h. Fred. How ! Lappet my enemy ! and can she 24 THE MISER. attempt to forward Mariana's marriage with my father? Ram. Sir, upon my honour, it is true. Fred. Go and fetch Lappet hither ; I'll try if I can't bring her over. Ram. Bring- her over ! A fig for her, sir ! I have a plot worth fifty of yours. I'll blow her up with your father : I'll make him believe just the contrary of every word she has told him. Fred. Can you do that ? Ram. Never fear it, sir ; I warrant my lies keep even pace with tier's. But. sir, I have another} lot; 1 don't question but before you sleep, I shall put you in possession of" some thousands of your father's money, Fred. But I am afraid that will be carrying the jest too far. Ram. Sir, I will undertake to make it out that robbing him is a downright meritorious act. Besides, sir, if you have any quaims of con- science, yen may return it him again : your hav- ing possession will bring him to any terms. Fred. Well, well. 1 believe there is little danger of thy stealing any thing from him. — So, about the first affair ; it is that only which causes my present pain. < Ram. Fear nothing, sir, whilst Ramilie lsyrunr friend. [Exit, r.h. Fred. If impudence can give a title to suc- cess. I am sure thou hast a good one. Ha ! kappet ! THE MISER. Enter Lappet, l.h. Lap. Hey-day ! Mr. Frederick ; you stand with your arras across, and look as melancholy as if tnere was a funeral going on in the house in- stead of a wedding. Fred. Mistress, undo immediately what you have done, prevent this match which you have forwarded, or, by all the devils which inhabit that heart of yours— Lap. For Heaven's sake, sir ! you do not in- tend to kill me ? Fred. What could drive your villainy to at- tempt to rob me of the woman I doat on more than life ? What could urge thee, when I trusted thee with my passion, when I have paid the most extravagant usury for money to bribe thee to be my friend, what could sway thee to betray me? Lap. As I hope to be saved, sir, whatever I have done was intended for your service Fred. It is in vain to deny it ; I know thou hast used thy utmost art to persuade my father into fhis match. Lap. Be but appeased, sir, and let me recover out of this terrible fright you have put me into, and I will engage to make you easy yet. — Sir I never did any thing yet so effectually but that I have Been capable of undoing it; nor have I ever sa»4 any thing so positively but that I have been able as positively to unsay it again. As for truth, I have neglected it so long, that i olten 3 * 26 THE MISER. forget which side of the question it is of; be- sides, I look on it to be so very insignificant to- wards success, that I am indifferent whether it is for me or against me. Fred. Let me entreat you, dear madam, to consider how very precious our time is, since the marriage is intended this very evening. Lap, That cannot be nor it shall not be. Fred. How ! how will you prevent it? Lap. By an infallible rule I have. But, sir, you was mentioning a certain little word cailed muney just now. 1 should not repeat it to \ ou, sir, but that really one goes about a thing with so much better a will, and one has so much bet- ter luck in it too, when one has got some littie matter by it Fred. Here, take all the money I have in my pocket, and on my marriage w.th Mariana thou shalt have fifty more. Lap. That is enough, sir ; if they were half- married already I would unmarry them again. 1 am impatient till I am about it. — [Exit Fred. r.h.] — Oh, there is nothing like gold 10 qu»cken a woman's capacity. — Ha ! here he is. Enter Lovegold, l.h.u.e. Lap. Oh, unhappy, miserable creature that "I am ! what shall I do ? whither shall 1 go? Love What is the matter, Lappet? Lap. r o have been innocent; assisting in be- traying so good a man — so good a master — so good a friend ! THE MISER. fj Love. Lappet, I say. Lap. I shall never forgive myself; I shall never outlive it ; I shall never eat, drink, sleep — (Runs against him.\ Love. One would think you were walking in your sleep now. What can be the meaning of this? Lap. Oh, sir ! — you are undone, sir ; and I am undone. Love. How ! what ! has any one robbed me ? have I lost any thing ! Lap. No, sir ; but you have got something. Love. What? what? Lap. A wife, sir. Love. No, I have not yet. Lap. How, sir ! are you not married ? Love. No. Lap. That is the happiest word I ever heard com* 5 out of your mouth. Love. I have, for some particular reasons, put off the match for a few days. Lap. Yes, sir ; and for some particular rea- sons you shall put off the match for a few years. Love. What do you say ? Lap. Oh, sir ! this affair has almost determin- ed m^ never to engage in matrimonial matters again. 1 have been finely deceived in this lady ! I to*d you, sir, she had an estate in a certain country ; but I find it is all a cheat, sir; the dev- il of any estate has she ! Love. How ! not any estate at all ! How can she live then ? Lap. Nay, sir, heaven knows how half the people in this town live. 28 THE MISER. Love. However, it is an excellent good quali- ty in a woman to be able to live without an estate. She that can make something out of nothing, will make a little go a great way. I am s^rry she has no fortune ; but considering all her sav- ing qualities, Lappet — Lap* All an imposition, sir ; she is the most extravagant wretch upon earth. Love. How ! how ! extravagant ? Lap. i tell you, sir, she is downright extrava- gance itself. Love. How was it possible for you to be de- ceived in her? Lap. Alas, sir! she would have deceived the devil ; she would have deceived even you : for, sir, during a whole fortnight, since you have been in love with her, she has made it her whole business to conceal her extravagance, and appear thrifty. Love. That is a good sign, though, Lappet, let me tell you, that is a good sign : right habits, as well as wrong, are got by affecting them ; and she who could be thrifty a whole fortnight, gives liveiy hopes that she may be brought to be so as long as she lives. Lap. She loves play to distraction; it is the only visible way in the world she has of a living. Love. She must win then, Lappet; and play, when people play the best of the game, is no such very bad thing. I'd play myself if I was sure of winning. Besides, as she plays only to support herself, when she can be supported with- out it, she may leave it off. THE MISER. 29 Lap. To support her extravagance, in dress particularly; why, don't you see, sir, she is dressed out to-day like a princess 1 Love. It may be an effect of prudence in a. young woman to dress in order to get a husband ; and as that is apparently her motive, when she is married that motive ceases ; and, to say the truth, she is in discourse a very prudent young woman. Lap. Think of her extravagance. Love. A woman of the greatest modesty. Lap. And extravagance. Love. She has really a very fine set of teeth. Lap. She will have all the teeth out of your head. Love. I never saw finer eyes. Lap. She will eat you out of house and home. Love. Charming hair. Lap. She will ruin you. Love. Sweet kissing lips, swelling breasts, and the finest shape that ever was embraced. (Catching Lappet in his arms.) Lap. Oh, sir ! 1 am not the lady. — Was ever such an old goat ! (Aside.) Well, sir, I see you are determined on the match, and so I desire you would pay me my wages. I cannot bear to see the ruin of a family, in which I have lived so long, that 1 have contracted as great a friend- ship for it as if it was my own ; I can't bear to see waste, riot, and extravagance ; to see all the wealth a poor, honest, industrious, gentleman has been raising all his life time, squandered away in a year or two, in feasts, balls, music, cards, clothes, jewels. — It would break my heart 30 THE MISER. to see my poor old master eat out by a set of singers, fiddlers, milliners, mantua-makers, mer- cers, toymen, jewellers, fops, cheats, rakes — to see his guineas fly about like dust, all his ready money paid in one morning to one tradesman, his whole stock in the funds spent in one half year, all his land swallowed down in another, all his gold, nay, the very plate he has had in his family time out of mind which has descended from father to son ever since the flood, to see even that disposed of. What will they have next, I wonder, when they have had all that he is worth in the world, and left the poor old man without any thing to furnish his old age with the necessaries of life?- -Will they be contented then ? or, will they tear out his bowels, and eat them too! — (Both burst into tears.) — The laws are cruel to put it in the pow- er of a wife to ruin her husband in this manner. — And will any one tell me, that such a woman as this is handsome ? — What are a pair of shin- ing eyes, when they must be bought with the loss of all one's shining gold ? * Love. Oh, my poor old gold ! Lap. Perhaps she has a fine set of teeth? Love. My poor plate, that I have hoarded with so much care ! Lap. Or I'll grant she may have a most beau- tiful shape. Love. My dear lands and tenements ! Lap. What are the roses on her cheeks, or lilies in her neck ? Love. My poor India bonds, bearing at least three and a hail per cent. THE MISER. 31 Lap. A fine excuse, indeed, when a man is ruined by his wife, to tell us he married a beauty. Enter a Lawyer, l.h. Law. Sir, the contract is ready ; my client has sent for the counsel on the other side, and he is now below examining it. Love. Get you out of my doors, you villain ! you and your client too ; I'll contract you with a plague. — {Beats him off, l.h.) — I am very much obliged to you, Lappet ; indeed I am very much obliged to you. Lap. I am sure, sir, I have a very great satis- faction in serving you, and i hope you will con- sider of that little affair that 1 mentioned to you to-day about my law-suit. Love. I am very much obliged to you. Lap. I hope, sir, you wont suffer me to be ruined when I have preserved you from it. Love. Hey! {Appearing deaf .) Lap. You know, sir, that in Westminster-hall money and right are always on the same side. Lov. Ay, so they are ; very true, so they are ; and therefore no one can take too much Gare of his money. Lap. The smallest matter of money, sir, would do me an infinite service. Love. Hey ! what ? Lap. A small matter of money, sir, would do me a great kindness. Love. Oh ho ! I have a very great kindness for you ; indeed I have a very great kindnesi for you. 32 THE MISER. Lap. Plague take your kindness ! — I'm only losing time ; there's nothing to be got out of him ; so I'll even to Frederick, and see what the report of my success will do there. — Ah, would I were married to thee myself. (Aside.) \Exit, L.H. Love. What a prodigious escape have I had! I cannot look at the precipice without being giddy. Enter Ramiue, l.h. Love. Who is that? Oh, is it you, sirrah? how dare you enter within these walls ? Ram. Truly, sir,' I can scarcely reconcile it to myself. I think, after what has happened, you have no great title to my friendship : but I don't know how it is, sir, there is something or other about you which strangely engages my affec- tions, and which, together with the friendship I have for your son, wont let me suffer you to be imposed upon ; and to prevent that, sir, is the whole and sole occasion of my coming within your doors. Did not a certain lady, sir, called Mrs. Lappet, depart from you just now ? Love. What if she did, sirrah? Ram. Has she not, sir, been talking to you about a young lady whose name is Mariana ? Love. Well, and what then ? Ram. W r hy then, sir, every single syllable she has told you, has been neither more nor less than a most confounded lie, as is indeed every word she says ; for I don't believe, upon a THE MISER. 33 modest calculation, she has told six truths since she has been in the house. She is made up of lies : her father was an attorney, and her mother was chambermaid to a maid of honour. Love. She comes of a damned lying family. Ram. The first word she spoke was a lie, and so will be the last. I know she has pretended a great affection for you, that's one lie, and every thing she has said of Mariana is another. Love How ! how ! are you sure of this ? Ram. Why, sir, she and I laid the plot to- gether ; and one time, indeed, I myself was forced to deviate a little from the truth, but it was with a good design; the jade pretended to me that it was out of friendship to my master ; that it was because she thought such a match would not be at all to his interest ; but alas, sir ! I know her friendship begins and ends at home, and that she has friendship for no person living herself. Why, sir, do but look at Mariana, sir, and see whether you can think her such a sort of woman as she has described her to you. Love. Indeed she has appeared to me always in a different light. I do believe what you say. — I will go and deny all that I said to the law- yer, and put an end to every thing this moment. I knew it was impossible she could be such a sort of woman. And for this piece of intelli- gence, I'll give you — I'll give you — No, I'll forgive you all your faults. [Exit, l.h. Ram. And I will go find out my master, make him the happiest of all mankind, squeeze his 4 34 THE MISER. purse, and then get drunk for the honour of all party-coloured politicians. [Exit, l.h. SCENE III.— The Hall Enter Frederick and Lappet, r.h. Fred. Excellent Lappet ! I shall never think I have sufficiently rewarded you for what you have done. Lap. I have only done half the business yet: I hiv^ , I believe, effectually broke off the match with your father. Now, sir, I shall make up the matter between you and her. Fred. Do but that, dear girl ! and I'll coin my- self into guineas. Enter Ramilie, l.h. Rim. Oh, madam, I little expected to have found you and my master together after what has happened ; 1 did not think you had the as- surance — Fred. Peace, Ramilie ! all is well, and Lappet is the best friend I have in the world Ram. Yes, sir, all is well, indeed ; no thanks to her. — Happy is the master that has a good servant ; a good servant is certainly the great- est treasure in th'*s world. — I have done your business for you, sir 1 have frustrated all she h'is been doing, denied all she has been telling him : in e^ort, sir, I observed her ladyship in a long conference with the old gentleman, mighti- THE MISER. 35 ly to your interest as you may imagine ; no sooner was she gone, than I steps in, and made the old gentleman beiieve every single syllable she has told him to he a most confounded lie, and away he is gone, fully determined to put an end to the affair. Lap. And sgn the contract : so now, sir, you are ruined without reprieve. Fred. Death and damnation ! fool i villain ! Ram. Heyday! what is the meaning of this! have I done any more than you commanded me? Fred. Nothing but my cursed stars could have contrived so damned an accident. Ram. You cannot blame me, sir, whatever has happened. Fred. I don't blame you, sir, nor myself, nor any one. Fortune has marked me out for mi- sery ; but I will be no longer idle : since I am to be ruined I'll meet my destruction. [Eocfct, r.h. Lap. {They stand some time in silence looking at each other.) \ give you joy, sir, of ^ sition. " Obscure passages in the earliest Poets will be clearly ex- plained, tiie predominant Costume correctly described, and a critical Estimate affixed to every Production, of its literary and dramatic pretensions. "The Superintendence of this publication \v\\\ be assumed by W.OXBERRY, of the Theatre Royal, Drury ;...-..-, ed, in the editorial department, by public W rite$^ j^u%'.#b- servaiion, and erudite research.. UmiM ii auspices, ihrj NEW English Drama will be fully entitled, Jit is hoped, tc that Approbation and Encouragement, which no endeavour oi expense shall be spared to procure and enlarge/