S'^'tT^^iWP^ THE BDDK a F* iPIEE THE KODK !PYeE BY ''lilNISEil" A LITTLE FLY A Work specially recommended to Sufferers who are tired of dipping their Daily Bread in the Milk of Human Kindness and whose Diet requires a Dash of HIGH SEASONING ^Aai.ift« ?/H'Ric<\ A Book intended to make the Old a little Younger and the Young a little Older. RECKLESSLY ILLUSTRATED. LEMON PttL JOHN W. LUCE AND COMPANY BOSTON AND LONDON 1906 r \' Copyright, 1906, 63^ John W. Luce £f Company Boston, Mass., U.S. A. /t^'ATtc -pt^^-fii, 4*^.1L /^cOLTl^e^u, Z, mc* ^ X»z^ '^H/^iZtUj^ , ^<. /Wrvv*i,#<[ 7%*^< C^U'^t/, TfLm^aXJtM^, St, Hn 5i/^ D: -m^m^6^(^¥-¥.-^^?^.'>(^r)er)t¥^^fW? THE BDDK n r iPIEE BY'MSINqER' ^/ 7^^\ \^ THE BOOK OF SPICE When Venus, rising from the waves, her pulchritude divulges, And posing in the All-at-once, displays her curves and bulges, Then comes one street, consoling thought: If Nature built her squarer, She*d be a "straighter girl," no doubt, but Artists couldn't bear her ! THE BOOK OF SPICE ica O say, can*t you see ? When Fate made Venus armless It also made her harmless — For in a squeezing-contest — gee I She couldn't Hold Her Own with me I THE BOOK OF SPICE The Kangaroo and Porcupine they met upon the Ark. They first began to bill and coo, and then to flame and spark; So they were wed and settled down to calm, domestic habits. Then Baby came, or rather, twins — both litde, tough Welch Rabbits. At midnight when you try a lot Of indigestive grub, Just take a Rabbit piping hot — Then join the Nightmare Club. THE BOOK OF SPICE IjVv/^J- When e'er my true love's skirts do get To fluttering in the wynde I cannot choose but look — and yet They tell me Love is blind! I THE BOOK OF SPICE When lovely Woman hurries by Some passing car to hook And holds her dresses rather high The Blind Man stops to look. >» ■ > ») > S^ Zeal is something which flags at nagging and nags y at flagging. ^ In every up-to-date marriage the Parson ties a slip ^ knot. This is much easier to untie in the Divorce •» Court than the old-fashioned true-love knot. ^J Kissing is a bad practice — but practice makes per- J feet. ^^"f ^' requires no explanation when your wife goes to yDT an auction sale and pays $4 for a fifty-cent sofa- « •» cushion. Auctions speak louder than words. THE BOOK OF SPICE \^ She found herself alone in a Great City. Her (irsV rr problem was: How to remain Beautiful though Poor. But before she'd been there a month her problem changed to : How to remain Poor though Beau- tiy. ** There's no fool like an old fool," I used to say in youth. jfflf " There's no fool like a dam fool," seems nearer to the i truth. X Kindness makes friends — but it doesn't make money. It t A bird in the hand lays no eggs — but two in the bush build a nest. A Career is a mirage, the desire for which robs the office of good stenographers and fills the stage with indifferent performers. Immorality is a good motif for plays, but a bad motif for private life. THE BOOK OF SPICE The Chorus girl Is a porous girl — In fact she is a sponge. She bathes her brain In iced champagne And rather likes the plunge. rU live for her, FU die for her — But hang me if FU "buy" for her! THE BOOK OF SPICE dzii A diamond necklace more or less Is nothing much to her — 'Tis strange how well a girl can dress On $15 per! THE BOOK OF SPICE The Automobile keeps a-mowing Down victims wherever it pops. It's fearfully fast when it's going, BUT . THE BOOK OF SPICE ^xVf?* it*s frightfully slow when it stops. As sad hours I drag on The old Water Wagon, It makes me still sadder to think, now and then. That water's so dry— And the seat's so damp high That I cannot reach down for a drink, now and then. THE BOOK OF SPICE All drinking is risky: The man who takes whisky Is apt to fight blue toads and slaughter snakes; But beware, son and daughter, — If you tipple cold water Too much, you'll be apt to see Water Snakes! '<:^=c^^p^^<^ THE BOOK OF SPICE If limbs Kke these Grew on the trees I think I'd die of heart disease. I wouldn't dare to look at all When autumn leaves began to fall. THE BOOK OF SPICE 1 If all the trees had limbs like mine I think the woods would look divine! i r \ THE BOOK OF SPICE UNDER THE SPICE TREE / f" Don't you believe in flirting, Sol?" asked one of his thousand wives of the wisest of kings. "No, I don't — I'm a married man," replied Solomon as he turned to telephone for 65 new baby carriages. jjK Hell hath no fury like a woman's corns. tWhen Diana took her morning bath no man was there to look — but the woods were full of rubber- trees. X Ladies, remember— in the Matrimonial Journey the Slow Freight is better than the Fast Male. *-^If the good die young, Methuselah must have n been a long time in the Insurance Business. THE BOOK OF SPICE f: Cupid is a good press-agent, but a poor book^ keeper. When he finds his books won't balance he makes up the deficit as follows: DESn CRE.DIT ""~~ / AiCo^ ? -To^^ -^ ^6 To:tJ ? Why do women marry? Some for love; some for oney; some for a cheerful companion who will always be on hand to hook up her dress in the back. t There's a woman at the bottom of everything— even of the Bottomless Pit Sj^Even in the Age of Christian Enlightenment there ^jy still existed a Society which said, " If there is any doubt about a woman's virtue, give it the benefit of your doubt." THE BOOK OF SPICE I'd hate to be an Angel And never do a thing But practise on that darned old harp And sing, and sing, and sing. THE BOOK OF SPICE But if I were a Devil rd quite enjoy my doom, And raise old Hades with the boys Down in the Smoking Room. THE BOOK OF SPICE A Mouse who was searching for flats Got into a crowd of old cats. He turned up his nose When he looked at their hose And said, with a snicker, "O rats!" THE BOOK OF SPICE riri c=u The Mouse only smiles When he looks at the styles Brought out for display. He gazes a minute, Then says, " Nothing in it!" And scampers away. >^ THE BOOK OF SPICE The Moon looked in the window When Gladys took her bath; He boldly peeked. The lady shrieked, And drew the blind in wrath; But still the moon continued To beam upon the mesh. I think the Moon was rather "new" To do a thing so fresh. THE BOOK OF SPICE i^ v The lovely maid protested And raised an awful fuss, But the Moon ain't interested In us. THE BOOK OF SPICE t What the Waiter Sees. It*s what the waiter doesn't see that he gets paid for. If a gent won't tip, tip his soup. When a guy talks like money it's no sign that he's going to hand you a dollar. If you notice it, a chorus-girl always likes her lobsters well "done." ^ You needn't think you're a General because you can give orders to a waiter. Don't cry over spilt milk — charge it on the bill. The constitution follows the jag. THE BOOK OF SPICE XG)ld botdes make warm hearts. Cold steaks make hot words. On with the dance, let joy be unrefined I Bad morals — everybody's but your own. f It A Dinner is a bite or a collation — depending on who pays for it. A Johnnie is a small "angel" who thinks that he is a little devil. Frills are a light, fluffy material that cover a mul- titude of shins. Jealousy makes men shoot and women coo. ^ A dumb-waiter is the only safe kind to take drinks into a private room. H T THE BOOK OF SPICE rd like to be a billy-goat And live upon a crag. With "mountain dew" I'd wet my throat And leap from jag to jag. THE BOOK OF SPICE But, should I slip, The downward trip Would need no kind assistance. When "extra dry" Comes extra high You fall an extra distance. \AA/\/\/\AA/\/\A/\AA/VAA/VV THE BOOK OF SPICE It Is considered dreadful luck, Of Fate's confounded cook- ing, To kiss another fellow's wife When 'tother fellow's look- ing. -TooTl.i > HOBjtff It's also very horrid luck, And brings all sorts of troubles. To stand upon your head in front Of passing auto-mubbles. THE BOOK OF SPICE Planter &Ca UNDERTAKERS ,^ When I am walking down the street ^'"' It takes away my breath To see an undertaker's sign — For that's a Sign of Death. S Bad Luck comes never singly, sir — And so I feel a shock Whene'er I chance to meet myself A-coming round the block. HHHHhHH <\ — hTTpF^-pf-i — frrr^ — ifvk^ — ^tth rrrff^ — tec: -^^w^ 'Jf—y A rollicking old Mormon wed a chorus girl named Flo And they went upon a honeymoon uproarous. THE BOOK OF SPICE S I^ M ^ Jb ^ Jk Jt '^^J^ He telegraphed her manager, "I like your sample so That I think I'll take the balance of the Chorus." THE BOOK OF SPICE The Great American Cocktail Since Dionysius blithe and young inspired old Hellas' air And beat the muses at their game "with vine-leaves in his hair," Since Wotan quaffed oblivion from Nieblungen gold And Thor beside the icy fjord drank thunderbolts of old, Since Omar in the Persian bowl forgot the fires of hell And wondered what the vintners buy so rare as that they sell, What potion have the gods bestowed to lift the thoughts afar Like that seductive cocktail that they seO across the bar? THE BOOK OF SPICE Perhaps it*s made of whisky and perhaps it*s made of gin, Perhaps there's orange bitters and an orange-peel within, Perhaps it's called Martini, and perhaps it's called, again, The name that spread Manhattan's fame among the sons of men ; Perhaps you like it garnished with what thinking men avoid. The little blushing cherry that is made of celluloid — But be these matters as they may, a cher confrere you are If you admire the cocktail that they pass across the bar. And as the hours of talk grow late, the hours of drink grow more, What makes the barroom mirror shine £is never shone before ? What makes the dullest utterance the cogs of mirth anoint Until no joke is so obscure you cannot see the point? What makes the sidewalk, homeward bound, like storm- tossed ships careen, Until a dear, familiar voice says, "Charles, where have you been ? " You hear yourself, like some one else, make answer from afar, **'Sh' thoshe d'lish's cocktailsh (hid) they pash acrosh th* bar I " THE BOOK OF SPICE When Eve came to Adam He said, " My dear Madam, You re pretty, God bless you — But who's going to dress you?' THE BOOK OF SPICE nm When the Snake coiled about her Eve looked rather pleased. She said with a shrug, "Well, if that's called a hug It makes me quite nervous — But heaven preserve us, I like to be squeezed!" THE BOOK OF SPICE A pretty girl named Snowdown Who wore her dress quite low-down Said "Some men swear That Tm not fair — ril give them all a show-down." THE BOOK OF SPICE 'Twas safe enough to call their bluff — She won out on the show-down. A bluff like mine won't go down. It*s something of a throw-down. THE BOOK OF SPICE Two ardent Clothing Dummies, to flirtatious glances reared, For many moons within a window tarried. THE BOOK OF SPICE Until one summer moming, lo ! a lovely Doll appeared — Good gracious! and they were not even married!! THE BOOK OF SPICE XWhen a girl looks simple, don't fool your- self — that's only the way her mother dresses her. 1t Wild oats never grow near wall-flowers. fA yacht is a seagoing craft which is christened with champagne and waterlogged with the same beverage. tAn army officer is a young gentleman employed by the U. S. Government for active service — principally dancing. tA kiss is a small, explosive toy, of small commer- cial value, but highly esteemed as a gift or souve- nir. It grows behind curtains, under palms, in the shade of icebergs — in fact in secluded spots of almost THE BOOK OF SPICE any temperature. When well cared for it attains a magnificent size and delicious flavor. Q* A kiss is something which a girl always looks for- irj^ ward to with expectancy — and receives with sur- ^ prise. XWhen a theatrical company goes broke the actors may roar for their money loud enough to wake the dead — but they cannot make the ghost walk. tWhen a woman sets her cap at him the average man can find an answer; but when she asks if her hat's on straight it's impossible to make an intelligent reply. \^ In Paris they call it " Bohemia," in Boston " The ryf Simple Life," and in Podunk " Vagrancy.** J Podunk is the only place where it*s curable. ^ Millions for expense, and not one cent for alimony! mil If/ THE BOOK OF SPICE Love in a Cottage is pleasant enough, Love in a Mansion is swell, Love in a Flat is a little might tough — But love in an Office is Hell ! THE BOOK OF SPICE There's no use enquiring, "Where is *e?' He's busy. ± Z Be BR.IEF! THE BOOK OF SPICE A Spinster sat upon the sand and asked the reason why When she came down to take a bath the beach was always dry. A Sea-gull heard her tender plaint and answered with a grin, " You make the tide so bashful that it does not dare come in I " THE BOOK OF SPICE i\HI llf] 'oiB/ nr\ But sometimes when the seaside nymphs appear in lovely form The tide becomes so restless that the waves grow almost warm. THE BOOK OF SPICE He left he And sai "I hope I And th< r at the garden wall d in accents sadder, may see more of you '* — in she climbed the ladder. 1 1 1 1 ■ ///^'w 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 / r 1 ■ 1 1 1 1 ' 1 ' 1 ' 1 1 I / "7 ill 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 ' 1 1 L w ^"P"""^""! 1 1 1 ^- A /\ 1 |l 1 1 1 1 1 1 ll \L/\ 1 Iv 1 1 \/ 1 1 , ' 1 , ' L^-rV4i ^^--V-' ' i ' 1 ' 1 ' 1 J "i" 1 ' 1 C-t^ S' ~1 — 1 1 1 1 ll 1 1 1 1^ / 1^1 \ f\ \ ) \ \ 1 1 i 1 ll 1 1 i 1 1 i / ^ 1 1 III li 1 1 1 1 if' \(f 1 ' 1 ' 1 ' 1 ' 1 1 1 ' 1 ' 1 ' l/ ,- II 1 1 |l 1 1 i 1 f /vi ' . 1 , 1 , » 1' 1 ' 1 ' 1 ' 1 lY-^f THE BOOK OF SPICE The maid who is shyest Looks ofttimes the fly-est When climbing a ladder — The best things come highest. m: ^ ^P 1"— [ 1 r IZIC THE BOOK OF SPICE O DOCTOR! ©^ Dr. Slitz, the famous surgeon of Keokuk, Iowa, JmT recently performed one of his sensational opera- l tions on the human brain. A gentleman from Ohio, suffering from localized paresis, dropped into the doctor's office the other morning to discuss the tariff. Quickly chloroforming the patient the brain was removed and laid in an open window to thaw out. Here a hitch occurred which very nearly resulted in a mortifying predicament for Dr. Slitz. A vagrant ice-man, seeing the brain in process of melting, focused his burning glass on the con- gealed member from force of habit. In a moment it was reduced to an unrecoverable dew-drop. tDr. Slitz immediately saw that the recovery of the precious organ was impossible and that he must act quickly, if at all ; so, with his usual self-possession, he filled the patient's skull-cavity with a mixture of sawdust THE BOOK OF SPICE and beeswax, placed the lid back on his skull and sent him home. The patient entirely recovered and continues to hold his important position under the U. S. Government where the deficiency (if deficiency there be) will never be noticed. Q* Codfish eye — this distressing malady has developed f||^ into an epidemic recently at Back Bay, Boston, and ^ at Newport. It is usually accompanied by icy feet and a chronic sneer. The speediest cure consists in reducing the patient's bank account 95 % , rolling him in corn-meal and soaking him with a wet towel. Hard work on a farm is also beneficial. To cure that Tired Feeling in the Morning, go back to the Night Before and be a little more careful Elating on an empty stomach is apt to be followed by loss of appetite. Before operating on a patient first determine the strength of his heart, then the size of his bank account clock upon yon dizzy height, Don't kick up such a rumpus. 1 do not need a clock to-night — But I wish I had a compass ! THE BOOK OF SPICE North-by-East and galley- West — Hunah for the wild sea rover Who pulls his freight on a roller skate And is always half seas over. The Demon Rum, like a guiding star, Glares on with burning eyeball Till he steers his boat right over the bar And wrecks it on a highball. THE BOOK OF SPICE rDDI-DSDPHY Xlt keeps the Man with the Hoe busy to sup- port the Girl with the Hose. fl don't know much about those " flesh pots of Egypt," but if they were put up in the Chicago stock-yards they must have been a pretty fierce variety of canned stew. 1t Order ! " is the first law of head- waiters. Some promises won't keep — not even in cold storage. THE BOOK OF SPICE XA flea once attended a fashionable dance. He was not invited, but before the evening was over he was very intimate with the best people there — and very much sought after, I am told. f There was a romance in the side show. The fat lady married the living skeleton. "They will stick together through thick and thin," said the bearded lady. " Yes," murmured the dog-faced boy, " Love will have its weigh." tThe longer I watch stage doors the more I be- lieve in Dr. Osier. ^ ^ Said Santa Claus, puzzled of manner, As he blew on his cotton bandanner, "The size of Maud's stocking Is perfectly shocking — I think she must want a pianner! " THE BOOK OF SPICE I=X ^J Yet Maud is a maid of such generous build Tm sure that her stocking is always well filled. THE BOOK OF SPICE THE PARROT SAYSS X Don't refuse a maiden's "first kiss"— but take it with a grain of salt. f Superior wisdom is not the only thing that keeps old maids virtuous. "^ The moon is a good matchmaker, but as a chaperone — look out, girls ! If every man obeyed every woman when she said, ** Please stop!" Cupid could take a vaca- tion and the Recording Angel could close up his books and go fishing. THE BOOK OF SPICE Xlf you want to cheat your grocer, rob your neighbor, and betray your friend's wife, get an " artistic temperament." That will excuse you for all your sins. ^ If she seems cold at first, don't you care. Chills are often followed by fever. tWhen Adam got his apples in the raw state it wasn't so bad, after all. But when Eve started in to experiment with apple pie, there was trouble in Paradise. ^Ti Many a girl who says ** she'll be a sister to you" ji is mature enough to act in loco parentis. THE BOOK OF SPICE "Boy with the floral offering, pray tell me, who's the dead 'un?** "Oh, no one's dead," the boy replied. "This wreath is for a weddun." THE BOOK OF SPICE "Nay, nay," replied the Married Man, "though death may bring release. No earthly marriage e*er deserved an offering marked * Peace.* " N ^ ^