635 9 375 py 1 Price, 25 Cents THE WOMAN OF IT Our Friends, the Anti-Suffragists By MARY SHAW PUBLISHED BY The* Dramatic Publishing Company CHA.RJLES H SEB.GEL. . PRESIDENT t !l Ptactical Instructions for Private Theatricals EyW. D. EMERSON Author of *'A Country P.omance," "The UnknowD, Rival," *'Hun;ble Pie," etc. Price, 25 cents Here is a practical hand-took, describing in detail all tne accessories, properties, scenes and apparatus necessary for an amateur production. In addition to the descriptions in words, everything is clearly shown in the numerous pictures, more than one hundred being inserted in the book. No such useful book has ever been offered to the amateur players of any country. CONTENTS Chapter I. Introductory Ee'-iiarks. Chapter 11. Stage, How to Make, etc. In drawing-rooms or parlors, with sliding or hinged doors. In a single large room. The Curtain; how to attach it, and raise it, etc. Chapter III, Arrangement of Scenery. How to hang it. Drapery, tormentors, wings, borders, drops. Chapter IV. Box Scenes, Center door pieces, plain wings, door wings, return pieces, etc. Chapter V. How to Light the Stage. Oil, gas and electric light. Footlights, Sidelights, Kefiectors, How to darken the stage, etc. Chapter VI. Stage Effects, Wind, Eain, Thunder, Break- ing Glass, Falling Buildings, Snow, Water, Waves, Cascades, Passing Trains, Lightning, Chimes, Sound of Horses' Hoofs, Shots. Chapter VII. Scene Painting, Chapter VIII, A Word to the Property Mau. Chapter IX, To the Stage Manager. 'Chapter X. The Business Manager. Address Orders to THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY CHICAGO, ILLINOIS THE WOMAN OF IT or Our Friends, the Anti-Suffiragists A SATIRICAL COMEDY IN ONE ACT BY MARY SHAW CHICAGO THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY THE WOMAN OF IT or Our Friends, the Anti- Suffragists CAST OF CHARACTERS. Mrs. Allright — President of an Anti-Suffrage Club. Mrs. Grundy — A Member of one of our "oldest fam- ilies." Mrs. Pure-Drivel — The Poetess of a "Lost Cause." Mrs. Sweet — An Ideal Wife and Mother. Mrs. Grouch — A Dyed - in - the - Wool "Womanly Woman, ' ' Miss Noodle — Just a beginner at the ' ' Womanly Game. ' ' Miss Moore — A Guest of the Club. Miss Berry — ^A Guest of the Club. Miss Foster — A Guest of the Club. Copyright, 1914, by The Dramatic Publishing Company. The fee for each amateur performance of this play is five dollars, payable in. advance to the publishers. APR 13 1914 0)C!,D 36695 THE WOMAN OF IT The Club room of an Anti-Sujfrage Club. A table for the President to preside — tvHh a gavel, paper, pencil and note hook. Chairs for members and guests. Any num- ber of club ivomen can be used — only the six antis and three guests are necessary. President's table centre, u'ith chair behind it. The six antis are seated on right after they enter. Guests on left. If more ivomen are used, they can sit on either side of President — in a semi- circle facing audience. The audience represents the imaginary men on the Legislative Committee and all the cajolery is addressed to them. At rise of curtain the stage is empty. Noise of ivomen tallxing is heard outside. In a few seconds, Mrs. Allright enters, goes to table; busies herself arranging things for meeting. Miss Noodle enters ivith sketch of club motto in her hands. ]\Iiss Noodle. — Dearie — [Kisses Mrs. Allright effus- ively on both checks]. Here's the finished sketch of the motto. [Hands her draiviug.'] ]\Irs. Allright [Admiringly]. It's perfectly lovely! So sweet of you ! Oh, you darling ! [Kisses her again gushingly.] [Enter Miss Moore, Miss Berry and IMiss Foster.] Miss ]\Ioore. Well, Fanny, here we are. Mrs. Allright [Embracing ^Iiss Moore]. Oh, you dear ; how^ sweet of you to come. How do you do, ^liss Berry? [Shaking hands.] And Miss Foster, too — how well you are looking! This is our new club room. We 3 4 THE WOMAN OF IT think it is just too sweet. Oh, allow me — ]\Iiss Noodle, may I present — Miss Moore — Miss Berry — ]\Iiss Foster. [Miss Noodle shakes each lady's hand effusively. ~\ Sit here, please [Indicating chairs to left of table]. There will only be a few here this afternoon. It's a sort of rehearsal for the ladies who are to speak at the Hearing before the Legislative Committee. I thought it such a good chance for you to hear our most brilliant speakers give their reasons for opposing woman's suffrage. [Goes to door and speaks off.] Ladies, will you please come right in now. We must begin. [The women enter, chattering noisily — greet Miss Noodle and continue to laugh and chatter till Mrs. All- right calls them to order ivith the pounding of the gavel.] Mrs. Alleight [Rapping several times before she can get silence]. Ladies, ladies, ladies, please. Here are three ladies who ought to join our Club. Miss Moore,* Miss Berry, Miss Foster — ladies. [Introduction acknowl- edged by mutual bows.~] They say they do not know whether they are anti-suffragists or not. But I know they are — for they are dear friends of mine — and lovely women. So I have invited them to hear the rehearsal for the Hearing before the Legislative Committee. [Women begin to chatter as soon as she stops speaking.] And, ladies, ladies, ladies, please. [Rapping vigorously with gavel.'] Before we begin — Miss Noodle has de- signed our motto for us. [Takes up sketch and shoivs it.'] She has taken our watchwords "I Love You," and "Oh, My Dear Baby," and placed them over two inter- twined hearts, symbolic of the husband and the child. This is to be framed and hung in our clubroom. Mrs. Sweet. Isn't that sweet of Miss Noodle? Mrs. Grouch. She is such a dear ! Mrs. Pure-Drivel. How lovely of her ! THE WOMAN OF IT 5 ]\Irs. Allrigiit [Rapping for order] . Ladies, all rise, please, and repeat the pledge. "I pledge myself to re- member each day and remind other women every hour — " Women [Repeat in unison]. "I pledge myself to remember each day and remind other women every hour — " Mrs. Allright. " — that there are only two great moments in a woman's life — " Women [In unison]. "- — that there are only two great moments in a woman's life — " Mrs. Allright, " — One, when she gives her first kiss to her lover — " Women [In unison]. " — One, when she gives her first kiss to her lover — " Mrs. Allright. " — the other when she gives her first kiss to her own little l)aby — " Women [In unison] . ' ' — the other when she gives her first kiss to her own little baby—*-" ]\Irs. Allright. "—And, no matter what else she may have, what else she may gain — " Women [In unison]. " — And, no matter what else she may have, what else she may gain- — " ]\Irs. Allright. " — the woman who misses these two great moments is still a failure." Women [In u)iiso)i]. "the woman who misses these two great moments is still a failure." Mrs. Allright. Our ]\Iotto: — First great moment — "I LOYE YOU." Second great moment— "OH, MY DEAR BABY." Women [In unison]. First Great INIoment — "I LOVE YOU." Second Great Moment— "Oil, MY DEAR BABY." 6 THE WOMAN OF IT Miss Foster. There are no old maids in this club, I judge. Miss Berry. Oh, yes; while there's life — there's hope, you know. Mrs. Grouch [Rising]. Mrs. President — Mrs. Allright [Rapping for order]. Ladies, ladies, ladies, please — [When talking stops]. Mrs. Grouch. Mrs. Grouch, I am a loyal anti-suffragist — and a firm believer in our pledge. But it just makes me tired to see how many "failures" among women, who never had the two great moments — manage to get so much credit. Yes, and from men, too, while we poor things who are busy doing our duty are taken as a matter of course — and hardly get a ' ' thank you. ' ' Mrs. Sweet. Yes, that's so. It isn't fair. Miss Noodle. — ^Why is that, Dearie ? Mrs. Grouch. Look at that terrible old maid — Queen Elizabeth of England! I never heard any man say she was a failure. And in our own time — see the sickening gush over those old maids, Florence Nightingale — and Clara Barton — and Jane Addams — and Susan B. An- thony — [Women cover their faces and groan.'] Mrs. Grundy. These women are exceptions, my dear. They may get praise — but they do not get reverence as we do. Mrs. Grouch. Well — we may get reverence, tho' I have my doubts about that. But we don't get any statues erected to us, outside of the cemeteries, and they do. Miss Noodle. Well, I think that a woman who stands being an old maid all her life, deserves a statue. [Women laugh and chatter.] Mrs. Allright [Rapping for order]. Ladies, ladies, ladies, please. We don't want statues nor praise. We THE WOMAN OF IT 7 only want to be loved. To lavish love on something — ■ even if the object is unworthy. To waste love if need be. For only when we love are we truly womanly. ]\Irs. Grouch. You say we must waste love on the unworthy ? Does that mean we must love those suf- fragists? [Folding arms and looking c)'oss.~\ JMrs. Allrigiit. No, decidedly not. A true woman cannot love unworthy women. She can only love un- worthy men. j\Iiss Berry. Isn't that odd? Mrs. Allrigiit. No, Miss Berry, it is not odd. It is woman's mysterious nature. Mrs. Pure-Drivel. Mrs. President — Mrs. Allrigiit {Rapping for ordcrl. Ladies, ladies, ladies, please. [After quiet is restored.'] Mrs. Pure- Drivel. Mrs. Pure-Drivel. Perhaps you ought to select some- one in my place to speak at this Hearing. 1 am divorced, you Inov/. I did not waste any time or love on Duncan Pnre-Drivcl alter I found out he was unfaithful. Of course, 1 did not know then tliat it was unwomanly to be indignant. Mrs. Grundy. J\Iy dear, I am permitting divorce now. Strictly among the very rich. Many of our best families are using it. But we selected you for your appearance. Unfortunately, there are so few womanly women who are stylish, ]\Iiss Noodle. "Well — did you hear that ? ]\Irs. Sw^eet. My word ! I like that ! Mrs. Grouch. What a knock! [Women protest to each other.] Mrs. Allright [Rapping for order]. Ladies, ladies, ladies, please. IMrs. Grundy only means that womanly women spend all their time loving and trying to be good. 8 THE WOMAN OF IT Mrs. Grouch [Angrily jumping up] . I never had to try to be good. I always was good. Miss Noodle. So was I. The idea! Did you ever? Mrs. Pure-Drivel. I never was so insulted in my life! Telling me to my face that because I am stylish I am not good. [Very indignantly.] Mrs. Grundy. My dear Mrs. Pure-Drivel, you are that rarest thing on earth — a woman who is both good and stylish. [Mrs. Pure-Drivel, soothed by compliment, sits down.] Mrs. Allright. Ladies, please — we must get to busi- ness. We are here today to listen to what our members are going to say to the Legislative Committee at the Hearing on the Question of Suffrage for Women. After the Suffragists have finished I shall make my opening speech. It's the same one I make every year. [Throiv- ing sheep's eyes at the audience, ivho are the committee.] Gentlemen: A woman's proper place is at home. No true woman would ever leave it to come here and wran- gle about politics. [Applause.] Miss Moore. Don't these men think it's funny that you do not stay at home, then? Mrs. Allright [Annoyed]. Not at all. They know I am dragged here to uphold the cause of true woman- hood. Miss Foster. Why, who drags you here, Fanny? Miss Noodle. Yes; I'd like to know, too, who it is makes us do this unwomanly thing. My brother asked me why we Antis didn't stay at home and practice what we preach— and I couldn't tell him. Mrs. Allright [With a superior air]. I have no time to go into that now. Miss Moore. Why do you bother about these other women voting, anyway? THE WOMAN OF IT 9 Mrs. Ai.lright. Because if they get the suffrage we will have to vote. And we'd rather die than vote. Miss Moore. "Why will you have to vote if you do not wish to? Mrs. Grundy. Obey laws that women make ? Never ! Mrs. Grouch. Not on your life! If they vote, we'll vote. ^YoME■N [Together]. Yes, indeed. If they vote — we'll vote. Mrs. Allright [Beguilinghj] . Gentlemen, love is our religion. Husband — home— child. That is our Trinity. All the ladies opposed to Suffrage for Women, that I shall present to you today, are wives and mothers. Ah, those holy words — wives, mothers. They are all man's ideal woman. The utterly Avomanly. [Women applaud as Mrs. Allright finishes.] Gentlemen, this is Mrs. Sweet — an ideal wife and mother. [Women applaud as Mrs. Siveet rises.] Mrs. Sweet [Embarrassed and giggling]. Oh, dear! I am so nervous. I sliall act like a fool. Mrs. Grundy. That's all right, my dear. Men expect women to act like fools. ]\Irs. President, I suggest that we all repeat the first commandment of the "womanly law," to encourage Mrs. Sweet? Mrs. Allright. A splendid idea, Mrs. Grundy. Ladies, repeat the first commandment of the "womanly law," please. Women [In unison]. "Have as little brains as possi- ble and don 't use all you have. ' ' Mrs. Grundy. You'll make a great hit with the men. Mrs. Sweet. Mrs. Sweet [Flattered]. Oh, do you think so? Miss Moore [To Miss Berry] . She acts to me as if she had the smallest brain in captivity. 10 THE WOMAN OF IT Mrs. Sweet [Putting on Iter sweetest manner, speak- ing to audience who represent committee of men'] . Gen- tlemen, I don't know anything about this old suffrage thing — and I don't want to know anything about it. [Women applaud.] But I do know that I have the best husband that ever lived. He loves me to distraction, and honestly, he thinks I am the only woman in the world. My babies are the cutest, dearest babies alive. ]\Iy home is simply a paradise. So, why should I want to vote? What good would it do me ? Miss Moore. Mrs. Sweet would not be compelled to vote, would she, Mrs. Allright? Mrs. Allright. No, no, of course not. Go on, ]\Irs. Sweet. ]\Irs. Sweet [Looks viciously at Miss Moore, then changes to siveet manner]. Women were just made to be loved and protected by the strong arm of a loving husband. Miss Berry. Protected from what, Mrs. Allright ? Mrs. Allright. Well, urn — er — er— • I don't know exactly. But men are very sensitive on that point, Miss Berry. They all say that woman needs protection by the strong arm of man — and they know. ]\Iiss Moore. But don't they usually leave the job to the ordinary policeman? Mrs. Grundy. But the idea is very beautiful, don't you think so. Miss Moore? It is called Chivalry. Men say that they can't feel it if a woman claims to be their equal. Miss Berry. And the more inferior to them a woman is the greater they feel the chivalry— is that it? Mrs. Allright. Yes. Miss Berry. Then a man feels more chivalrous to- THE WOMAN OF IT H wards a scullery maid or scrub woman than he does to a society lady? JMrs. Allrigiit. Oh, no; I hardly think so. ]\riss Berry. Why not? The scrub woman is very much more his inferior than the society woman is. ]\[iss ]\rooRE. Perhaps his chivalry extends a couple of notches below himself and then stops working. Mrs. Allrigiit. How very clever of you, dear, to figure it out for us. ]\[iss Noodle. Why, I thought Chivalry was raising hats to M'omen, carrying their wraps, and rising when a woman comes into the room ! IMrs. Grouch. Heavens, no ! Those are just parlor tricks — like not eating with your knife. Mrs. Grundy. Ladies, you had better accept this ghost of a beautiful idea and ask no questions. ]\len are very sentimental, you know. Mrs. Allrigiit. Go on, j\Irs. Sweet, please. Mrs. Sweet. Real women don't want to think. They just want to ])loom beside man in the home and shed the fragrance of their womanhood over his troubled life — as The Ladies Home Twaddle so beautifully expresses it. [Sits amidst great applause.] Mrs. Grundy. Why she is positively inspired! Ladies, I predict that Mrs. Sweet is going to be one of our finest speakers. ]\Irs. Allright. I agree with you, Mrs. Grundy. But may I suggest, dear, that you leave out the question — "What good will it do me to vote?" Never give those suffragists a loophole to get in their old statistics. We find it far safer to keep to mossgrown platitudes about husband, home and children. Then they can't corner us. 12 THE WOMAN OF IT Miss Noodle. Oh, Mrs. Sweet, aren't you going to tell your lovely story? Mrs. Sweet. Oh, Mrs. President, I forgot my lovely story ! Mrs. Allrigiit. Oh ! Do tell it, J\lrs. Sweet. Mrs. Sweet [Rising, heguilingly] . Gentlemen : I knew a suffragist once. Like all of them, she neglected her husband and home. Sometimes she never saw her baby girl for weeks together. An ignorant nursemaid took entire charge of her. The woman spent all her time at suffrage clubs. One day, as she was crossing a park, she saw a baby carriage with a baby in it tipped up against a tree. A jar would have thrown it over. The poor little frightened cherub was crying piteously. She righted the carriage and tried to soothe the poor, fright- ened darling. . A nursemaid, who had been talking to a policeman, came running towards her. She was just about to demand the address of the mother to report what she had seen — Oh, gentlemen, it was her own nursemaid. And that miserable, neglected, angel baby was her own child. [The six antis are weeping. ~\ Slie had seen it so seldom that she did not recognize it. Think of it, gentlemen — a mother not to know her own baby ! That is what will happen in every home if these women get the suffrage. [/S^i^s.] LIrs. Allrigitt. That is a terrible story, Mrs. Sweet, and only too true. J\Iiss Moore. Have the men on the committee any sense of humor ? Mrs. Allrigiit. I really can't say. I'm afraid I do not knoAV Avhat a sense of humor is. Does any anti know what a sense of humor is? Women [In tur}i\. No — no — no — no. What is it? THE WOMAN OF it 13 Mrs. Allrigiit. You see, nol)Ocly here knows what it is, Miss Moore. Miss Moore. Yes, I see. Mrs. Allright. Gentlemen, our 3'oungest anti, who will plead with you for the '-'Girl of the Future," I\liss Noodle, gentlemen. ]\Iiss Noodle [Iiising, heginning sJnjlij and gradually getting very modern and familiar]. Gentlemen, I am a girl — so I want to say a word for the "Girl of the Future." Her fate is in your hands. ]\len will not marry wlien women Qlaim to be their equals, and pre- tend to think and try to earn real money. So there will be no husbands nor liomes for the poor girls of the future if these suft'ragists get what they want. I think it's real mean and selfish of women who have had the two great moments to try to do us girls out of them. It's just pure spite — that's what it is. J\ly brother says there isn't a woman a man would look at twice who wants to vote. He says these suffragists are all disap- pointed old maids or "gone to seed" married wouum. You men are wise to them, my brother saj^s. Please don't take any stock in their saying they are going to do fine things for the future race. Why, there will not be any future race if they keep on. What's the use of girls anyway except for men to make love to? Oh, gen- tlemen, gentlemen — please fix it so the girl of the future will have a show. [Great applause as she sits down.] Mrs. Allrigpit [In a very solemn to)ic]. Ladies,Miss Noodle's appeal is like an agonizing cry from, the cradle of the humaii race. And now, ladies — before I forget it — I must warn you against mentioning, this year, a dear old platitude which we have used with telling effect a hundred thousand times. Please, please do not say any- 14 THE WOMAN OF IT thing about the vast hordes of disreputable, immoral women who will rush to the polls and contaminate the pure wives and mothers Avhile they are voting. Miss Moore. But I understood you to say that the pure wives and mothers will never vote. Mrs. Allright. Please, Miss Moore, this is very im- portant. Ladies, it seems that in those dreadful places where women vote now — [Women cover their faces ivith their hands and, groan.'] The disreputable women are as bitterly opposed to woman suffrage as the womanly women are. Mrs. Pure-Drivel. Infamous! How dare a disrep- utable woman pretend to have a womanly feeling ! Miss Noodle. Why is that. Dearie? Mrs. Allright [Coughing, embarrassed]. Ahem! Ahem ! I 'd rather you didn 't hear the reason they give, child. Please stop up your ears. []\Iiss Noodle puts fingers in her ears.] They say it will hurt their business — which is to please men. Miss Moore : Why, that is your business, too — isn 't it, ladies? [Laughing heartily.] Well, I must say that is a good joke on you! [All three visitors laugh uproar- ously. Antis look at one another amazed.] Mrs. Grundy. Oh, it's too bad we must give up that lovely pipe-dream ! It was such an effective argument. Miss Moore. You Antis all seem so satisfied with things as they are. Isn't there one right as a woman that any of you would like to claim? Mrs. Grouch. Yes; there's one right I'd like to have — Miss Moore. Good ! What is it, Mrs. Grouch ? Mrs. Grouch. The right to look just as God made me. I'd like to be as fat and bald and homely as men have the right to be — and not be expected to apologize THE WOMAN OF IT 15 and do penance for it all my life. With all the rights these suffragists are digging up — it's a wonder to me they never thought of the right to be homely. I wish we women could unite and go on strike on this "beauty" business! I believe it would settle the whole ''woman" question. ]\Irs. Sweet. Oh, ]\Irs. President, if women did that — there wouldn't be any "Beauty Column" on the Avoman's page of the newspapers. And I just dote on the beauty column. Miss Moore. Why, Mrs. Sweet, those "How I Keep Myself Beautiful" articles in the papers are all written by men. They pay the "Beauties" who are supposed to write them a hundred dollars a week for the use of their names. The "Beauties" never even see them. It is a conspiracy between the druggists and the newspaper editors. Mrs. Sweet. Now, that isn 't true ! My sister-in-law has a neighbor who met a Avoman at an afternoon tea wdio told her that she had a cousin who knew a lady once who had a friend who talked with a girl Avho was a maid to Lillian Russell. Mrs. Allright [Eapping for order]. Ladies, ladies, please. Mrs. Grouch says she does not care to speak at the Hearing, so I am going to excuse her. But I do hope she will tell us w'hat she intended to say if she had de- cided to go. Women. Oh do, Mrs. Grouch — please. Mrs. Grouch [Kising]. Ladies, I know men through and through. I've had eight brothers, two husbands and four sons. Fourteen men in the family has given me all the practice I need in fooling and palavering men. If a woman has only one or two men to practice on she should seize every opportunity, like these Hear- 16 THE WOMAN OF IT iiigs, to keep her hand iu. That's how you become experts at the game. Those suffragists are all on to your tricks — ^but what do you care? If those deluded women think they are going to get anything that men want to keep themselves — let them go ahead and try to get it. You and I know that the way to get things out of men is to throw dust in their eyes by wheedling, coaxing and flattering them. The moment I put my eye on a Avoman I can tell just how much she knows of the game. You antis are all more or less expert bluffers. That's why I am an anti! I have only one reason for opposing Woman Suffrage. And it is this : I never found any work a man didn't want some woman to help him do — especially the uninteresting, drudgery part of it — ^never one single thing except voting. And I say — if there's one thing on earth that men want to do all alone, for Heaven's sake, let them do it. Encourage them. [All the ivomen laugh heartily, hut as if Mrs. Grouch was joking.'] Mrs. Allright. Dear Mrs. Grouch, you are always so amusing ! [To visitors.] ]\Irs. Grouch is one of our stanchest members, but she must have her little joke. [Changing her tone to one of deep significance.'] And now, gentlemen, I have the honor to present to you Mrs. Duncan Pure-Drivel, the Poetess of our Cause. Mrs. Pure-Drivel [Rises — amidst great applause. Takes attitude of deference to imaginary men — rolls languishing eyes at them. — keeps through her speech the Circe tone and manner of luring men through sex attrac- tion. The manner sexual, the matter she speaks sup- posedly intellectual, is what drings out the humor of the role]. Gentlemen, I am a woman. [Pause.] Have al- ways been a woman. [Pause.] And I pray God, may alwaj^s remain a woman, sp I can tell vou how a woman THE WOMAN OF IT 17 feels. A woman cannot reason — so she can never under- stand i.or help to make laws. But she has something far higher than reason — a Divine intuition. This Divine intuition i.s of no use to women outside of the kitchen aiid i.ursery, for, infinitely above reason as it is, it can- not coini)rehei.d the aftairs of state. Yet its discovery by men was a stroke of genius, for it enables them to lay the burden of the morals of the universe on women. This is the spiritual essence of it. A baby girl has within her at the moment of birth the iiituitive knowledge of good aiid evil. So ;iiiy sin a woman commits is done deliberately, debanlly against the laAV of her nature. That is why there should be no pity for erring women. 2\lan, it seems, has to learn slowly and painfully by rea- son what si-i is. That is why it is just that men should cS('ape punishment while they are learning the lesson of life. AVhy the same moral laws cannot be made for men and women. AVhy a man must be forgiven again and again — even unto the end. JMiss Moore [Aside to Miss Berry] . AA^ell, for a divorced woman, 1 call that triumphant nerve ! jMiss Berry. She's looking for number two, remem- ber. j).[rs. Pure-Drivel [Arrainging, ivith extended finger the imaginary suffragists]. Those women, for they seem to be women, tho' it is hard to believe it — declare that our morals and our stupidity have been forced on us by men for their own comfort and convenience. I deny it — in the name of womanhood. Our morals and stupidity were given us by God. They are our mysterious lure which no man will ever fathom, yet does not wish to escape. Before Time was — it was decreed by Heaven, that nuui should speak of woman as his superior, treat her as his inferior. So no more talk of ballots and of 18 THE WOMAN OF IT laws. We are satisfied with our empire over the hearts of men. We are content to be queens by Divine right of sex. [Applause.^ Miss Noodle. Wonderful! Mrs. Allrigelt. Splendid ! Mrs. Grundy. Marvelous! Mrs. Grouch. Perfectly magnificent ! Mrs. Allright. Mrs. Pure-Drivel, I almost wish I might have put you down to speak last — your effort is so poetical, so original, so irresistibly convincing. But Mrs. Grundy always has the last word — and she is the bul- wark of our cause. So, gentlemen, our best beloved leader and supporter, Mrs. Grundy. [Applause.~\ Mrs. Grundy [Rising] . Gentlemen, I have been your good old friend from time immemorial. The I\lrs. Grundys have worked faithfully through all the ages to keep women in their proper spheres. You men couldn't have done it without ]\Irs. Grundy's help. Don't rise, gentlemen, you overwhelm me with your homage. Keep- ing women in their proper sphere has never been an easy task, but during the last ten years I have been severa] times on the point of giving it up as a bad job. Of course, I have kept up a splendid bluff, pretending noth- ing unusual was happening, but deep within me I know this abominable heresy of woman suffrage is going to be the death of men. And that last news from California — 87,000 more women than men registered to vote — has put a crimp in me that never will come out. Now, gen- tlemen, I have heard all your reasons why women are cutting these capers, but none of you have hit on the right one. It is not education, nor industrial condi- tions, nor any of the things you lay it to. The trouble began way back in the fourth century, when some mis- THE WOMAN OF IT 19 guided Fathers of the Church met together in solemn conclave and decided by a bare majority vote — just one vote, gentlemen — think of it — that woman had a soul. That she M^as responsible to God — not men — for the deeds done in the flesh. How did such an idea ever come into their heads, you ask? Very simple. They wanted women to support the church and had to offer them a so1.il to get them interested. Of course, they did not give woman a soul of her own. They gave her only as much of a soul as it was safe and convenient for her to have. The kind of one they could take back if it didn't work right. They knew the innate stupidity of wor.ia.i. They were perfectly sure she would go on pil- ing ir> the power and glory a:xl profit of men in the church and never once think of sharing in it. And so she did for fifteen centuries, when suddenly a woman arose, alone and unaided, who, without asking permis- sion of any Pope, or offering to share any power or glory with men, put herself at the head of a new religion — Mary Baker Eddy. Now, wdiat has happened in the church is going to happen in the state. If you give women the ballot — if you make them mayors, judges and governors — where will it end ? There are a million more women than men. They'll outvote you, finally. Set up a new code of morals. Oh, I know — women are not creative. But oh, they are splendidly imitative. They will give you an imitation of yourselves that will paralyze you. Punish men for sin and let women escape. Give you their names at marriage, so you lose all your iden- tity. Pay you for your work, with love and flattery and keep the hard cash. In short, gentlemen, turn the tallies on you. There is only one remedy. You must use it and use it quickly. Take away women's souls! Giving 20 THE WOMAN OF IT women souls was the cause of all the trouble. If you can't do that, gentlemen, it is utterly hopeless. [All the antis are greatly excited over the end of this speech and moaning as if in the face of some great calamity.] JMrs. Allright [ Weeping, slightly hysterical] . Gen- tlemen, I can hardly control my feelings sutHeiently' to close our testimony after Mrs. Grundy's aAvful warning. But dear, dear gentlemen, please do not let them make us sheriffs and aldermen — Antis [Going down on Jcnecs, ivitJi outstretched arms, pleading]. Oh don't gentlemen, please — ]\Irs. Allright. Do not let them make us mayors and governors — Women [Still on knees, pleadincj]. No, no, gentlemen, please don't, don't. Mrs. Allright. Save us — oh save us from this aAvful fate! Women [Crying out agonizi)igly]. Save us, oh save us, gentlemen ! Mrs. Allright. For we will die — yes, gladly lay down our lives — ^before we are forced to become senator.-; ard presidents. [Shrieks of horror from the antis.] Miss Moore [After excitement has cahned down a lit- tle goes to console Mrs. Allright]. Oh nonsense, Fanny, there isn't any danger of women being forced into high political offices. Mrs. Grundy. Yes there is, young woman. At the rate these suffragists are gairJng ground — I should not wonder if some one here lived to see a woman president. [More shrieks from antis and hystericcd iveeping.] IMiss Berry [Shaking hands with ]Mrs. Allright]. Good-bye — we must go now. Thank you very much, ladies. THE WOMAN OF IT 21 Miss Poster. Yes; Ave have enjoyed it very niiu-li. Mrs. Allright. Wouldn't you like to join our club'/ Miss Berry. We cannot, Mrs. Allright. Why, haven't you decided after what you have heard? JMiss Berry. Oh yes; we have found- out we are suf- fragists. Women. Suffragists ! Mrs. Grouch. I knew they were suffragists the minute I put my eyes on them. Miss ]\1oore. The other night I told a friend I was going to a suffragist meeting to find out whether I was a suffragist or not. "Don't" she said. "Go to an anti- suffrage meeting; they'll make a suffragist of you at short notice." Everybody says you make more converts to equal suffrage than the suffragists do. , Miss Berry. Do you always do it so quickly? It is wonderful ! Mrs. Allright. What are you talking al)out? Miss ]\Ioore. Well frankly, ladies, we have discov- ered your secret. ]\Irs. Allright. Our secret? ]\Iiss ^Ioore. Yes; and it's awfully clever. I must congratulate you. Ha ! Ha ! Miss Foster. We thought at first you really meant it all, didn't we? [Lauglis]. Miss Moore. Then it dawned on us that it was all a delicious farce. Mrs. Allright. A farce? JMiss Berry. It's a splendid game. To guy the "utterly womanly" so successfully that the most in- different woman flies to suffrage as a haven of dignity and self respect. 22 THE WOMAN OF IT Miss Foster. You and the suffragists are both work- ing together, in different waj'^s, to convert all women to suffrage, aren't you? Miss Mo.ore. But the crowning joke of all is when you and the suffragists go to a legislative hearing, pre- tending to be at daggers drawn and convert the men on the committee. For even a man must resent the dose of flattery you plaster over them. Miss Foster. How do you keep your faces straight, ladies ? Miss Berry. Do you and the suffragists wink at each other when the men are not looking? Mrs. Allright. What are you women trying to say? Miss Berry. Oh, don't be afraid. We'll not give it away. Miss Foster. No, indeed. We will send up all llie raw material we can collect for you to make svilfra- gists of. Miss Moore. We are going right down to enroll our- selves as suffragists; collect some literature, and get busy. Miss Berry. And we'll tell them at headquarters that they will have to hustle or the antis will have them beaten to a frazzle in making converts to Woman Suffrage ! ' ' Votes for Women ! ' ' Guests [March out as if waving imaginary banners and call out together]. "Votes for Women!" "Votes for WOMEN ! " " Votes for Women ! ' ' Mrs. Grundy. Spies ! Those women are spies ser.t here to trap us. [Women crotvd about Mrs. Allright, ivho has col- lapsed.] Miss Noodle. What can we do for you, dearie? THE WOMAN OF IT 23 Mrs. Grouch. She needs a good, siroiig bracer. What do you say to a lemon soda, Fanny ? Mrs. Allright [Beviviitg]. And I called them my friends — such ingratitude ! ]\Irs. Grouch. To the nearest drug store, ladies. Forward — march ! The :-:odas are on me ! [Women lead Mrs. Allright out — protesting about her friends ] A Woman's Honor A Drama in Four Acts By JOHN A. FRASER Author of "A Noble Outcast," "Santiago," "Modern Ananias," eto. Price, 25 cents Seven male, three female characters. Plays two hours. Fo\ Intense dramatic action, thrilling climaxes, uproarious comedy ana a story of absorbing romantic interest, actors, either professional or amateur, will find few plays to equal "A Woinan's Honor." With careful rehearsals they will find a sure hit is made every time without difficulty. CAST OF CHARACTERS General Mark Lester. A Hero of the Cuban Ten Tears' War.. Lead Pedro Mendez. His half brother Heavy Dr. Garcia. Surgeon of the Madaline. , .Straight Gilbert Hall, M. D. In love with Olive Juvenile Robert Glenn. A Wall Street Banker Old man Gregory Grimes. Lester's Private Secretary Eccentric Comedy Ebenezer. Glenn's Butler Negro Comedy Olive J Glenn's ^ Juvenile lead Sally ( Daughters J Soubrette Maria. Wife of Pedro Character NOTE. — Glenn and Garcia may double. Act 1. The Glenn Mansion, New Tork City. Act 2. The Isle of Santa Cruz, off San Domingo. One month later. Acts 3 and 4. Lester's home at Santa Cruz. Five months later. Between Acts 3 and 4 one day elapses. SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS Act 1. Handsome drawingroom at Glenn's. Sally and Ebenezer. "I isn't imputtinent, no, no, Missy." "Papa can't bear Gregory Grimes, but I'm going to marry him, if I feel like it." "Going' away?" "I was dizzy for a moment, that was all." "This mar- riage is absolutely necessary to prevent my disgrace." "General Lester, you are a noble man and I will repay my father's debt of honor." "Robert Glenn is dead." Act 2. Isle of Santa Cruz. "Mark brings his Anierican bride to his home today." "You and I and our child will be no better than servants." "How can I help but be happy with one so good and kind?" "It means that I am another man's wife." "Dat's mine; don't you go to readin' my lub lettahs in public." Act 3. Sitting-room in Lester's house. "What has happened?" "Is my husband safe?" "Break away, give your little brother a chance." "To tell the truth, my heart is breaking." "Debt of duty! and I was fool enough to think she loved me." Act 4. "The illness of the general has an ugly look." "The gossips have it she would rejoice to be rid of her husband." "Tho Gilbert Hall I loved is dead." "Standing on the brink of the grave, my vision is clearer." "Forgive, and I will devote my life to making you happy in order to repay the debt I owe ycu — a debt of honor." Address Orders to THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY CHICAGO, ILLINOIS Diamonds and Hearts A Comedy Drama in Three Acts By EFFIE \?r. MERRIMAN Price^ 25 cents This play has become one of the most popular in America. The good plot, the strong- "heart" interest, and the abundant comedy all combine to make a most excellent drama. "Bub" Barnes is a fine character of the Josh Whiteomb type, and his sister is a worthy companion "bit." Sammy is an excruciatingly funny little darkey. The other characters are good. Fine opportunity for introducing specialties. The play has so many good points that it never fails to be a success. CAST OF CHARACTERS BERNICE HALSTEAD, a young lady of eighteen, with an affec- tion of the heart, a love for fun and liatred of arithmetic AMY HALSTEAD, her sister, two years younger, fond of frolic. INEZ GRAY, a young lady visitor, willing to share in the fun MRS. HALSTEAD, a widow, and stepmother of the Halstead girls HANNAH iVIARY BARNES, or "Sis," a maiden lady who keeps house for her brother , DWIGHT BRADLEY, a fortune hunter and Mrs. Halstead's son 'by a former marriage DR. BITRTON, a young physician SAMMY, the darkey bell-boy in the Halstead house ABRAHAM BARNES, or "Bub," a yankee farmer, still unmar- ried at fortv — a diamond in the rough ATTORNEY; SPIERIFP Time of playing, two hours. Two interior scenes. Modern costumes. SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS Act. 1. Parlor of the Halstead home. The young doctor. The three girls plot to make his acquaintance. An aifection of the heart. "Easy to fool a young doctor," but not so easy after all. The step- mother and her son. The stolen diamonds. The missing will. Plot to win Bernice. "I would not marry Dwight Bradley for all the wealth the world contains." Driven from home. Act 2. Kitchen of the Barnes' farm house. Bub takes off his boots. The new school ma'am. "Supper's ready." "This is our 'aephew and he's a doctor." Recognition. A difficult problem in. arithmetic. Tlie doctor to the rescue. "I'm just the happiest girl In the world." "I've come to pop the question, an' why don't I do it?" Brother and sister. "If it's a heifer, it's teh be mine." The sberiff. Arrested for stealing the diamonds. "Let me knock yer durned head off." The jewels found in Bernice's trunk. Act 3. Parlor of the Halstead home. "That was a lucky stroke — hiding those diamonds in her trunk." The schemer's plot miscar- ries. Abe and Sammy join hands. The lawyer. "Bully for her." Bradley tries to escape. "No, ye don't!" Arrested. "It means, dear, that you are to be persecuted no more." Wedding presents, and a war dance around them. "It is no trick at all to fool a young doctor." Address Orders to THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY CHICAGO. EJJNOIS Santiago OR For the Red, White and Blue A "W"at Drama in Fowr Acts By lOHN A. ERASER Price, 25 cents CHARACTERS Capt. Oscar Hutton, TJ. S. A. In love with Cora. .!Leadin^ Juvenile Lieut. Fisk, U. S. A. In love with his duty Juvenile bit Milton Merry, U. S. N. In love with Bess Light Comedy Lieut. Cristobal, S. A. In love with soldiering Straight Dr. Harrison, Red Cross H. S. In love with surgery Straight old man Elmer Walton, banker. In love with Spanish bonds Character old man Phillip Basset, his stepson. In love with Ysobel Juvenile Fernando Diaz, Walton's cashier, afterwards S. A. In love with Cora Heavy Beverly Brown, Walton's butler, afterwards Red Cross H. S. In love with chickens Negro Comedy Cornelius Dwyer, Walton's coachman, afterwards U. S. A. In love with "Naygurs" Irish Comedy Antonio Carlos, a Cuban planter. In love with Spain Character old man Cora Basset, Walton's stepdaughter. In love with Oscar. .Juvenile Bess Walton, Walton's daughter. In love with Milton Ingenue Ysobel Carlos, Antonio's daughter. In love with Phillip. .. .Juvenile American Soldiers, American Sailors, Spanish Soldiers, Guerillas, Actual time of playing, two hours. ^SYNOPSIS ACT I. The ball at Walton's, Washington, D. C. Handsome in- terior. ACT II. The Red Cross Hospital. First day's battle of Santiago. Exterior. ACT III. Scene 1. — Interior Guerilla headquarters in the Sierra Cobra, near Santiago. Scene 2. — Exterior. The underbrush of Si- erra Cobra. Scene 3. — Fight in the mountain pass, second day's battle of Santiago. Exterior. ACT IV. Hotel Tacon, Santiago, on the night of the surrender. Interior. NOTE. — Walton, Dr. Harrison and Carlos may double easily, and the piece played with nine males, three females. The best Cuban war play ever written. Easy to produce, but very effective. Thrilling situations, fine comedy, intense climaxes. Comic Irishman and Negro. Three magnificent female parts. Pic- turesque Spanish villain and heroic juvenile lead. No special scen- ery is required, as every regular theatre, in its ordinary equip- ment, has every set called for. Adapted to both professional ana imateur companies. Address Orders to THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMFAKY CHICAGO. ILLINOIS Dumont^s Minstrel Joke Book Price, 25 cents A Collection of jokes arranged for End-Men, both professional and amateur. Never before collected and published in a clear manner and with bright dialogue for End-Men and Interlocutor. They form a book of the newest, most humorous and quaintest matter ever arranged. Any reader may, with assured success, dtUver them to any assemblages before whom he may appear. Mr. Dumont himself says: "This collection of jokes and dia- logues is the careful gathering of years — and only the best ana 'sure laugh' producers are incorporated in this book." PARTIAL CONTENTS Arithmetic of Love, "Ask a Policeman," All about Novels, At Nia- gara Falls, "A. P. A." and Bricks, Advantages of Education, All Sorts, Army and its Soldiers, Bad Case of Lying, Base Ball, Breach of Promise, Burglars, Boston's Correct Language, Bravery in Battle, Fishing, Funny Signs and Borrowed Pants, Fish makes Brains, Firing off the Cannon, Climatic Changes, Clancy as a Diver, "Couldn't find a Policeman," Colonel Pepper, "Curiosities for Mu- seums," Conundrums, Cruelty to Animals, Country and Don't Drink, Couldn't take the Job, Comic Recitations, Cork Leg, "Casablanca," "Dreams," Ducks and Indians, Dutchman's Bet, "Daniel." Eating Dumplings, Epitaphs, Editing a Newspaper, Eating by Weight, Ed- ucated Horse, The Mule Battery, "Making Both Ends Meet," The Mind Reader, Missed the Hearse, Mixed Breed of Chickens, Married into a me.rn Family, Makinga Pair of Shoes, Man's Ribs and Angel Cake, The New Poet, Never Happened, On the Battlefield, Off to the Seat of "War, Our Brothers, Old Cider Barrel, Origin of Songs, Opinion on Man and Woman, Gratitude, Hotel Regulations, Hold your Head Up, How is Business, How Different Girls Kiss, Hash for the Navy, "Has not Caught Me Yet," Irish Monologue, It Rung in the Family, "If a River were between all Men and Women," Jumping Frog, Kissing, Kiss Sociable, Keep off the Grass, Kissing in the Tunnel, Lawyer and Doctor, Lost Umbrella, Liquor Assists Nature, Learning the Bike, Love and Matrimony, Law in Alaska, Shoemaker's Daughter, Singing at the Party, Storm at Sea, Spot- ted Dog, Swallowed an Egg, Second Time on Earth, Signs, Sorry he didn't Take it Cold, Progress, Parson's Sermon on Crap Shoot- ing, Poultry and Fruit, Power of Language. Perhaps I Will and Perhaps I Won't, Peculiarities of Speech, Pumpkin Pie, Patriotic Alphabet, Queer Advertisements. Ragged Jacket, Raising Grass- hoppers, Taught His Wife a Lesson, Thought it was a Boat-race. The Telephone, Thief with a Roman Nose, Taxes on Luxuries, Transfusion of Blood, Took the Dead Mans' Dollar, Two Good Liars, Three Realistic Dreams, Takes It just the sar le, "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," Very Good Tip, Very Large Punch Bowl, Very Mean Father, "We are Letters," "Went Home for his Pipe," "Why is a Ship called "She?" "What is Love?" "We a^e all Bottles," "Wish the Gun had gone off," Writing a Novel. Address Orders to THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHINO COMPANY CHICAGO. ILLINOIS Tompkin's Hired Man t tS^acis By EFFIE W. MERRIMAN PRICE, 25 CENTS This is a strong play. No finer character than Dixey, the hired man, has ever been created in American dramatic literature. He compels alternate laughter and tears, and possesses such quaint ways and so much of the milk of human kindness, as to make him a favorite with all audiences. The other male characters make good contrasts: Tompkins, the prosperous, straightforward farmer; Jerry, the country bumpkin, and Plemington, the manly young American. Mrs. Tompkins is a strong old woman part; Julia, the spoiled daughter; Louise, the leading juvenile, and Ruth, the romp- ing soubrette, are all worthy of the best talent. This is a fine play of American life; the scene of the three acts being laid in the kitchen of Tom.pkin's farm house. The settings are quite elaborate, but easy to manage, as there is no change of scene. We strongly' recommend '"Tompkin's Hired Man" as a sure success. CHARACTERS Asa Tompkins — A prosperous farmer who cannot tolerate deceit. Dixey — The hired man, and one -of nature's noblemen. John Remington — A manly young man in love with Louise. Jerry — A half-grown, awkward country lad. Mrs. Tompkins — A woman with a secret that embitters her. Julia — A spoiled child, the only daughter born to Mr. and Mrs. Tompkins. Louise — The daughter whom Mr. Tompkins believes to be hi^ own. Ruth — Mr. Tompkin's niece, and a great romp. Plays about tv/o hours. SYNOPSIS Act 1. 5ewing carpet rags. "John and I are engaged." "Well, you can disengage yourself, for you'll never be married." "Mrs. Clark, she's took worse." Who makes the cake? Julia declines to sew carpet rags. "It would ruin my hands for the piano or my painting." Dixey to the rescue. "You take the rags a minute, child, and I'll just give that fire a boost." Dixey's story. "It breaks his heart, but he gives her away, an' he promises never teh let her know as how he's her father." Enter Jerry. "Howdy." John gets a situation in the city. Farewell. "It's a dandy scheme, all the same. We'll have our party in spite of Aunt Sarah." "Oh, I'm so happy." The quartette. Curtain. Act 2. Chopping mince meat. The letter. Louise faints. "How dare you read a paper that does not concern you?" "You have robbed me of my father's love." The mother's story. Dinner. "I swan, I guess I set this table v/ith a pitchfork." "Now, Lambkin, tell Dixey all 'bout it, can't yer?'* "It looks zif they'd got teh be a change here purty darned quick, an' zif I'm the feller 'lected teh bring it 'bout." "None o' my bizness, I know, but — I am her father!" "It's love the leetle one wants, not money." "If I'd been a man, I'd never given my leetle gal away." "I'm dead sot on them two prop'sitions." Curtain. Act 3. Dixey builds the fire. "Things hain't so dangerous when everybodys' got his stummick full." The telegram. "It means that Louise is mj' promised wife." "By what right do you insinuate that there has been treachery under this roof?" "A miserable, dirty, little ivaif, picked up on the streets, and palmed off upon my father as his child!" "Oh, my wife, your attitude tells a story that breaks my heart." " ifeh druve her to do what she did, an' yeh haint got no right teh bia.me her now." "Friend Tompkins, a third man has taken our leetle gal an' we've both got teh larn teh git along without her. We kin all be happy in spite o' them two sentihiental kids." Curtain. Address Orders to THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY CHICAGO. ILLINOIS Joe Ruggles OR THE GIRL MINER A Comedy Drama in Foot Acts By FRANK J. DEAN Price, 25 cents Nine male, three female characters. A visoroiis, stirring pla> depicting- peculiar types of life in a large city and in the min:n^ districts of the West. The parts of Joe Ruggles, the miner, Han.= Von Bush (Dutch dialect), and Richard Hamilton, the scheming villain, all afford opportunity for clever work; while the part bf Madge (soubrette), who afterwards assumes the character of Mark T.yneh. is an excellent one for a briglit young actress. Scenery — City street, showing R. R. Station; rocky pass, with Bet cabins; a wood scene, and two plain interiors. Costumes of tlK. day. Time of playing, two and a half hours. SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS ACT I-En'rance to Railroad Station Looking for a victim — Joe Ruggles — "Them galoots is worse than grizzlies" — "Morning papers" — Madge and Bess plying their trades— "Can't you sing Joe a song?" — Hamilton and his pal confer — Tom Howarth gains inportant information — "Don't you dare to la> hands on us!" — Hamilton tries to maintain his authority — "Whoi Old Joe!" ACT II — Doonisdiy's Hotel. Dare -devil's Gulch, California The landlord secures a guest — Hans disappointed — "Dot is a mis- dake"- — A ghost story — The "Kid and his sister" — "Did I hurt youi highness?" — Hans and Doomsday have another talk — Kate Laurel meets the young miner — "Yah, dot vas vot 1 t'inks" — Madge's dis- guise penetrated — She recognizes an old enemy — "Now, George Smith, take your choice" — Joe Ruggles as a tramp — "Ef yer think yer can pick on me because I'm han'some ye'll find me ter hum" — Hamilton appears — "Those two youngsters are mine" — The tramp takes a hand. ACT III— Wood Scene A lively ghost — Hamilton and Smith plan more villainy — Old Joe thinks of turning Detective — Kate Laurel again— "Tliere is a secret connected with my life" — Kate's confession — "What do you mean, tiir?"- — Tom Howarth once more — "Vos you looking for a hotel?" — Planning an abduction — Old Joe as an Irishman — "Phat does yez want wid me?" — Undertakes to he a detective — Takes a hand in the abduction — "Do it at your peril." ACT IV Hans hears, and tells, the latest news — "I nefer pelieved dot spook peesness" — Kate Laurel astonished — Hamilton attempts flight — "De poys haf got Mr. Hamilton, und dey vill gif him a necktie barty" — Arrest of Smith — "Get out mit my vay, I vas de United States Mail" — Tom meets his old friend under new circum- stances — "Do you want me, Tom?"— Old Joe gives consent — ^A iiiappy ending. Address Orders to THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY CHICAGO. ILLINOIS Capt* Racket A Comedy in Tht ee Acts By CaiARLES TOWNSEND Pr!ce» 25 cents This play by Mr. Townsend is probably one of his most populat prodaotions; it certainly is one of his best. It is full of action from start to finish. Comic situations rapidly follow one after another, and the act endings are especially strong- and lively. Every char- acter is good and affords abundant opportunity for effective work. Can be played by live men and three women, if desired. The same scene is used for all the acts, and it is an easy interior. A most excellent play for repertoire companies. No seeker for a good play can afford to ignore it. CHARACTERS CAPT. ROBERT RACKET, one of the National Guard. A lawyer when he has nothing else to do, and a liar all the time Comedy lead OBADIAH DAWSON, his uncle, from. Japan, "where they make tea" Comedy old man TIMOTHY TOL/MAN, his friend, who married for money, and is sorry for it Juvenile man MR. DALROT, his father-in-law, jolly old cove Eccentric HOBSON, waiter from the "Cafe Gloriana," who adds to the confusion Utility CLARICE, the Captain's pretty v/ife, out for a lark, and up to "anything awful" Comedy lead MRS. TOLMAN, a lady with a temper, who finds her Timothy a vexation of spirit Old woman KATT, a mischievous maid Soubrette TOOTSY, the "Kid," Tim's olive branch Props. SYNOPSIS Act I. Place: Tim's country home on the Hudson near New York. Time: A breezy morning in September. The Captain's fancy takes a flight and trouble begins. Act II. Place: the same. Time: the next morning. How one yarn requires another. "The greatest liar unhung." Now the trouble increases and the Captain prepares for war. Act III. Place: the same. Time: Evening of the same day. More misery. A general muddle. "Dance or you'll die." Cornered at last. The Captain owns up. All serene. T^ime of playing; Two hours. Address Orders to THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY CHICAGO. ILLINOIS The Spinsters^ Convention (The Original Old Maids' Convention) Price^ 25 cents An evening's entertainment whicli is always a sure tit anti a money-maker. Has been given many hundred times by scnools, societies and churches, with the greatest success. Aa evening of refined fun. It requires from twelve to twenty ladies and two gentlemen, although ladies may take the two male parts. A raised platform "with curtains at the back is all the stage requires, but a fully equipped opera stage may be utilized and to great advantage. Kidiculous old maid costumes, with all their frills and fur- belows, their cork-screw curls, mittens, work bags, bird cages, etc., are the proper costumes. Later on in the program somf> pretty young women in modern evening dress are required., The latter should each be able to give a number of a mis- cellaneous program, that is, be able to sing, play some instru- ment, dance, whistle or recite well. This entertainment utilizes all sorts of talent, and gives each participant a good part. Large societies can give every member something to do. SYNOPSIS Gathering' o' the Members of the Societj' — The Roll-Call — The Greeting Song — Minutes of the last meeting — Report of The Treas- urer — Music: "Sack Waltz" — A paper on 'V5''oman's Rights — Song: "No One to Love, None to Caress." — Reading of "Marriage Statis- tics" — The Advent of the Mouse — Initiation of two Candidates into the Society — The Psalm of Marriage — Secretary's Report on Eligible Men — A Petition to Congress — Original Poem hy Betsv Bobbett — Song: "Why Don't the Men Propose?"— Report of The Vigilance Committee — An Appeal to the Bachelors — Prof. Make-over — The Remodelscope. -Testimonials — The Transformation and a miscel- laneous program. Address Orders to THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY CHICAGO, ILLINOIS The Outcast's Daughter t FrActs By MARION EDDY PRICE, 25 CENTS Ten male, five female and one child characters. Plays two and one-half hours. "Modern costumes. Three interior, one exterior scenes, all easily arranged where there is any scenery at hand. No stronger melodrama has been given the play-loving public. Full of the strongest appealing heart interest, intense, pathetic, real life, where joy and laughter are mingled with pathos and suffering, but all ending happily. A melodrama without a villain or the use of firearms. Amateurs may play it successfully, it plays itself, and it is adapted to strong repertoire companies. CAST OF CHARACTERS Carl Faber An ex-convict Howard Ross A manufacturer Dennis Hogan Servant to Ross Abel Gardener to Ross Judge Havens Of the police court Recorder Of the police court Lettner Clerk of police court Second Court Clerk Clerk of police court Two policemen Little Hugo Agatha's child Agatha Steme Ross' bookkeeper Ida Rheinhold A retired singer Mrs. Wilmuth A washerwoman jCatie Factory girl Frances Factory girl SYNOPSIS OF SCENES Act 1. Ross' private office. "What has given me the honor of this visit?" "I will never sing again. My life has been a sad failure." "Good God! My mother!" "I have done wrong, I confess, but when a mother asks, a child must forgive. Oh, Mr. Ross, help me." "Tou, my rich and famous mother, to you I was nothing, and you — you are nothing — nothing to me." "Agatha! Agatha! My child! My child!" Act 2. Agatha's attic. "My poor father. So young and strong. How I could have loved him." "Yes, Katie is right, I have nothing but bread for my sweet child." "Madam, I vould lie if I say she vas anything but a lady." "On the other side, towards the garden, there are a few rooms I have never used. If you will take them " "You do not look like a man who could commit mur- der. How was it?" "I was a weak man and many misfortunes made me desperate." "My picture! I must be mad." "You are good, child, but you shall not call me father." "Father! Father!" Act 3. Ross' Garden. "He is so good to me, but I cannot forget my poor unhappy father." "The picture was taken when I was young. He shall have it." "Stay here and be my wife." "That suspicious old man is in the garden." "For her I sacrificed every- thing." "Do you want to go to prison again?" "My father needs me to defend and comfort him." Act 4. A Police Court. "Do not ask me, your honor — I am an '^x-convict." "Your silence will not help you." "It vas dark und Mrs. Steme vas that scared she vas faint." "I hope, sor, yer honor believes in a future life, sor." "He wished to see his child; I am his child." "Grandfather, we love you." "I am his wife. Do not condemn him." Address Orders to THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY CHICAGOilUINOJS Hageman^s Make-Up Book By MAURICE HAGEMAN Pricet 25 cents t ifi importance of an effective malce-up is becoming' more appar* ent to tiie professional actor every year, but liitherto there lias been no book on the subject describing the modern methods and at the same time covering all branches of the art. This want has now been filled. Mr. Hageman has had an experience of twenty years as actor and stage-manager, and his well-known literary ability has enabled him to put the knowledge so gained into shape to be of use to others. The book is an encyclopedia of the art of making up. Every branch of the subject is exhaustively treated, and few ques- tions can be asked by professional or amateur that cannot be an- swered by this admirable hand-book. It is not only the best make- up book ever published, but it is not likely to be superseded by any otiier. It is absolutely indispensable to every ambitious actor CONTENTS Chapter I. General Remarks. Charjter II. Grease-Paints, their origin, components and use. Chapter III. The Make-up Box. Urease-Paints. Mirrors, Face Powder and Puff, Exora Cream, Rouge, Liquid Color, Grenadine, Blue for the Eyelids, Brilliantine for the Hair, Nose Putty, Wig Paste, Mascaro, Crape Hair. Spirit Gum. Scissors, Artists' Stomps, Cold Cream, Cocoa Butter, Recipes for Cold Cream. Chapter IV. Preliminaries before iVlaking up; the Straight Make- up and how to remove it. Chapter V. Remarks to Ladies. Liquid Creams, Rouge, Lips, Eyebrows, Eveiashes. Character Role.s, Jewelry, Removing Make-up. Chapter VI. Juveniles. Straight Juvenile Make-up, Society Men, Young Men in 111 Health, with Red Wigs, Rococo Make-up, cj n n fi s W rists Chst"ks GtC. Chapter VII.' Adults', Middle Aged and Old Men. Ordinary Type of Ma/ihood, Lining Colors, Wrinkles, Rouge, Sickly and Healthy Old Age, Ruddy Complexions. Chapter VIII. Comedy and Character Make-ups. Comedy Ef- fects, \Vi.gs. Beards, Eyebrows. Noses, Lips, Pallor of Death. Chapter IX. The Human Features. The Mouth and Lips, the Eyes and Eyelids, the Nose, the Chin, the Ear, the Teeth. Chapter X. Other Exposed Parts of the Human Anatomy. Chapter XI. Wigs, Beards, Moustaches, and Eyebrows. Choosing a Wig, Powdering the Hair, Dimensions for Wigs, Wig Bands, Bald Wigs, Ladies' Wigs, Beards on Wire, on Gauze, Crape Hair, Wool, Beards for Tramps, Moustaches, Eyebrows. Chapter XII. Distinctive and Traditional Characteristics. North American Indians, New England Farmers, Hoosiers, Southerners, Politicians, Cowboys, Minors, Quakers, Tramps, Creoles, Mulattoes, Quadroons, Octoroons, Negroes. Soldiers during War, Soldiers dur- ing Peace, Scouts, Pathfinders, Puritans, Eai-iy Dutch Settlers, Englislimen, Scotchmen, Irishmen, Frenchmen, Italians, Spaniards, Portuguese, South Americans, Scandinavians, Ger.n:ians, Hollanders. Hungarians, Ginsies. Russians, Turks, Arabs, Moors. Caffirs. Aby.s- sinians, Hindoos, INIalays, Chinese, Japanese, Clowns and Statuary, jjev^-'^ws, Drunkards, Lunatics, Idiots, Misers, Rogues. Address Orders to THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY «^HICAGO, E-LINOIS PLAYS 017 400 234 And Entertainment Books. ^JWEING the largest theatrical booksellers in >^ the United States, we keep in stock the most complete and best assorted lines of plays and en- tertainment books to be found anywhere. We can supply any play or book pub- lished. We have issued a catalogue of the best plays and entertainment books published in America and England. It contains a full description of each play, giving number of char- acters, time of plajdng, scenery, costumes, etc. This catalogue will be sent free on application. The plays described are suitable for ama- teurs and professionals, and nearly all of them may be played free of royalty. Persons inter- ested in dramatic books should examine our cat- alogue before ordering elsewhere. We also carry a full line of grease paints, face powders, hair goods, and other * 'make-up'* materials. The Dramatic Publishing Company CHICAGO