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The Little Princess 
 
Twenty-four Days 
 On a Troopship 
 
 By 
 
 J. Ralph Pickell 
 
 C Meanwhile 
 the author 
 visits a harem 
 in Africa, de- 
 livers a lec- 
 ture, witness- 
 es a dozen 
 romances 
 faithfully re- 
 corded, laug,hs 
 at the funniest 
 thing,s which 
 ever hap- 
 pened, and 
 w^rites a book 
 about it. This 
 is it. 
 
 Published by the 
 
 Rosenbaum 
 Review 
 
 CHICAGO 
 
A^ 
 
 ^^^^ 
 
 ^^ 
 
 Copyright, 1919 
 By J. RALPH PICKELL 
 
 The Author desires to acknowledge his indebtedness 
 to C. C. Campus, an Italian co-laborer, whose 
 sketches illuminate these pages. 
 
 ^tH 13 1913 
 
 ©CI.A529838 
 
jForetoort) 
 
 HERE is a deeper purpose in 
 the publication of this book 
 then the simple narration of 
 disjointed tales about a troop- 
 ship, homeward bound. The 
 voyage from Genoa to Ne^v 
 York, extending over a period 
 of twenty-four days, is a mere 
 incident in its relation to the "World War, 
 and yet you must apprehend that the diffi- 
 culties which have arisen in transporting 
 twelve hundred six soldiers have been real, 
 even if they are often amusing. The ships 
 which have carried two million of our men 
 to and from foreign soil have been more or 
 less like this one, and even during war 
 time similar comedies have been enacted. 
 Many a soldier has found his life mate 
 dressed in a Red Cross uniform. The 
 shuttle of fate has woven thousands of 
 romances out of the u^arp of war. W^ar is 
 a leveler of morals, but it levels down, not 
 up. So we shall learn. Every solitary 
 incident cited in this book is founded upon 
 facts. I commend it to you as a rhetorical 
 impossibility. From a literary point of 
 view it has little merit. Humanly speak- 
 ing it is a real production and that's why 
 it will be read with human interest. Peo- 
 ple acted and I wrote. 
 
 J. RALPH PICKELL 
 
A^ 
 
 <^^^^ 
 
 sX^t) 
 
 Copyright, 1919 
 By J. RALPH PICKELL 
 
 The Author desires to acknowledge his indebtedness 
 to C. C. Campus, an Italian co-laborer, whose 
 sketches illuminate these pages. 
 
 ^tH 13 1913 
 
 (p)CI.Ao29 838 
 
jforetoorti 
 
 HERE is a deeper purpose in 
 the publication of this book 
 then the simple narration of 
 disjointed tales about a troop- 
 ship, homeward bound. The 
 voyage from Genoa to New 
 York, extending over a period 
 of twenty-four days, is a mere 
 incident in its relation to the World War, 
 and yet you must apprehend that the diffi- 
 culties which have arisen in transporting 
 twelve hundred six soldiers have been real, 
 even if they are often amusing. The ships 
 which have carried two million of our men 
 to and from foreign soil have been more or 
 less like this one, and even during war 
 time similar comedies have been enacted. 
 Many a soldier has found his life mate 
 dressed in a Red Cross uniform. The 
 shuttle of fate has woven thousands of 
 romances out of the warp of war. War is 
 a leveler of morals, but it levels down, not 
 up. So we shall learn. Every solitary 
 incident cited in this book is founded upon 
 facts. I commend it to you as a rhetorical 
 impossibility. From a literary point of 
 view it has little merit. Humanly speak- 
 ing it is a real production and that's why 
 it will be read with human interest. Peo- 
 ple acted and I wrote. 
 
 J. RALPH PICKELL 
 
T- HIS NARRATIVE is hap- 
 
 pily dedicated to all of its read- 
 ers who believe in the poetry 
 of romance and the sunshine 
 of smiles; but more especially 
 to two, who if fate had not so 
 ordained,! should have wished 
 to call them brothers, Lieutenant Frank 
 and Corporal Ray Pickell; also to a very, 
 very young man, whose sole knowledge of 
 war consists of slaying tin soldiers; and 
 finally to a lieutenant in the United States 
 Navy, homeward bound as a fellow trav- 
 eler, to claim, in the wake of Peace, a 
 beautiful southern bride. 
 
Twenty- four Days On a Troopship 
 
 At Sea from June 23 to July 17 — A lady 
 with a lorgnette, frantically rushed up and 
 down the pier. She was shouting something 
 to any of us who stood on the B deck of the 
 Pesaro, but even those who understand 
 Italian couldn't make out what she was 
 saying. 
 
 She wept. 
 
 Then she screamed, and the pity of it is, 
 I probably shall never know what she 
 wanted, for we were leaving Genoa very, 
 very slowly, as two tugs pulled us away 
 from the docks. 
 
 For three weeks I have waited for this 
 boat to sail. Now we have actually put out 
 to sea. There were many with red eyes, 
 swollen from tears, among the passengers; 
 though why anybody in the world should 
 ever weep when they are bound for New 
 York is beyond me. 
 
 5 
 
6 Tir EN TY-FOU R DJYS 
 
 About the first thing you do when you 
 get on the boat is to "size up" the cabin in 
 which you must sojourn for days to come. 
 My impression is that I am getting less for 
 more money than upon any other journey I 
 have ever made, but I shall be alone. That 
 is some compensation. 
 
 It was common gossip just before we came 
 on board that today the Germans will or 
 will not sign Peace. The general impres- 
 sion is that they will refuse. I have just 
 made a wager with a Swiss that they will 
 sign. If I win I'll have my incidental ex- 
 penses paid for a long, hot trip. 
 
 This Swiss tells me that there are thou- 
 sands of Germans in his country and none 
 of them ever admit that their army was 
 defeated. Everywhere I have gone, I have 
 heard that same thing. Most everyone with 
 whom you come in contact seems to think 
 the war was ended just about a month too 
 soon. 
 
 Personally, I take no stock in such ex- 
 pressions. If there are any readers of this 
 book who think that the German army was 
 not decisively defeated in battle, beaten to 
 a dead standstill and then flung irrevocably 
 back, they are welcome to their delusions. 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 7 
 
 The same with the Germans, too. In a gen- 
 eration or so the truth will begin to dawn 
 upon them, if not sooner. 
 
 I have seen thousands of cars, thousands 
 of cannon, tons and tons of ammunition, 
 and millions and millions of war equipment 
 which the Germans surrendered after the 
 signing of the armistice, all of it taken with- 
 out the direct loss of a single life. If you 
 think it would have been better to have sac- 
 rificed thousands of our boys to have taken 
 that stuff while driving the boches back, 
 then you and I are traveling two different 
 lines of thought, and I am going to stick to 
 my route. 
 
 But without Peace, we embark under war 
 conditions. The police in Genoa gave me 
 permission to leave the country, but before 
 they would say "yes" or rather si, the Ameri- 
 can embassy at Rome, and the Consul-Gen- 
 eral at Genoa first gave their approval. 
 Then there was the hustle for a ticket. The 
 Lloyd Sabaudo transportation line officials 
 were even more particular about my creden- 
 tials than either the police or the official 
 representatives of the United States. 
 
 One lady from Atlanta who had been ma- 
 rooned in Italy since the war began wanted 
 
8 TIF EX TY- FO U R D JY S 
 
 to get back and she was telling an official 
 her life history. He asked her where she 
 was born and she replied, "I was born in 
 Atlanta, Georgia, at four o'clock in the 
 morning; but I don't know what date be- 
 cause I was too young to remember." So 
 far as I know she never told them. 
 
 Embarking upon an Italian boat is like 
 taking a train which never comes. We 
 were told to be at the docks at nine o'clock 
 Monday morning, this twenty-third day of 
 roses in June. Many came. Old men, young 
 men, Red Cross girls, women and children. 
 The sun shone hot. The shed into which 
 the tra\eling public was herded, waiting for 
 the police, was covered with corrugated iron, 
 which, instead of allowing the rays to come 
 straight down and kill you, shattered and 
 scattered them so that they hit you every- 
 where and melted you. W'e thought surely 
 that by two o'clock the police would come, 
 as they had not shown up all morning. At 
 2:30 we began to despair; at three we began 
 to swear: but at 3:15 the iron gate was 
 swung open and three hundred of us, half 
 a dozen at a time, were admitted to Italian 
 police headquarters. All the chivalry that 
 I ever learned herding cattle in mv vouth. 
 
ON A T R () () P S HIP 9 
 
 for we were kind to the calves, has been 
 throttled after six months traveling in 
 Europe. I can trample upon the necks of 
 women and children with glee, and as for 
 old ladies I simply eat them alive. So I was 
 among the lirsl hundred to demonstrate that 
 1 am a law-abiding American citizen en- 
 titled to return home. 
 
 What a wonderful opportunity the Ital- 
 ians are losing when they fail to grant every 
 reasonable comfort to traveling passengers. 
 One's education has not begun until one has 
 seen Italy, but people will travel here on 
 other lines. "War" has been the excuse for 
 so many things, during four and a half 
 years, that officials seem to think they can 
 pursue any sort of a course and justify it 
 by saying, "This is war." It isn't. 
 
 Our boat was scheduled to sail at four. 
 At seven o'clock there were three blasts of 
 the whistle, the gang plank was pulled, and 
 then, just as we had started, the elderly 
 lady whom I hrst mentioned tried to stop 
 us with her wails. But as I write this we 
 are sailing the blue Mediterranean bound for 
 Marseilles, w^here we are to take on 1,200 
 doughboys. There is a forty-five mile gale 
 blowing now and the sea is very rough. In 
 
10 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 fact, I never imagined that the Mediter- 
 ranean could act so ugly. Personally, I am 
 not fond of tales of mal-de-mer, but really 
 it is interesting to note the change which 
 comes over some people when the sea gets 
 rough. Faces which were rosy red, when 
 the boat started, take on an ashen hue, and 
 those who have set sail for America decide 
 the country must be a terrible place, judg- 
 ing from the first few hours of the journey. 
 Really, if you can get them to talk you can 
 learn some surprising things. 
 
 There are just about two things worth 
 while in life. Work and people. On a ship 
 you get to know people. 
 
 For a long Atlantic trip during June and 
 July one wants a deck chair. There are 
 none for rent upon the boat, so you have 
 to buy a very flimsy aftair before you start 
 for $3.00. The deck steward wrote my 
 name upon the back of a tag and attached 
 it to my chair. The tag is No. 297 and con- 
 tains the following information: "Dampfer 
 Moltke. Gutschein fiir getranke und cigar- 
 ren." That looks like "German," which I 
 would interpret to mean "Steamer Moltke. 
 Check for drinks and cigars." Thus it would 
 seem that this old steamer was formerly 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 11 
 
 owned by the Hamburg-American line. 
 Signs such as "Zu den Badern," etc., are all 
 about the ship. Such are the fortunes of 
 war. 
 
 Among the people one meets are those 
 with varying names and missions. There is 
 a very lovely woman with two little girls 
 who sits at my table. She is going back to 
 Texas, which she claims is a great big state. 
 She married a Swiss but she maintains that 
 she is an "American" because she was born 
 there, no matter what the law says. A lank 
 young fellow is on board representing Uncle 
 Sam. It is his business to take care of any 
 American soldiers who die on this trip. He 
 is an embalmer. I sincerely hope he is idle 
 all the way over. 
 
 I talked for two hours tonight with an 
 ex-Red Cross captain who has been working 
 in Italy. The stories which he told me of 
 profligate waste and mismanagement on the 
 part of the Red Cross in Italy are appalling. 
 I know from actual knowledge that the Red 
 Cross there was known as the "Golden 
 Goose" because of the absolute profligacy 
 with which it did its work. 
 
 The boat pitches! The decks are de- 
 serted! 
 
CHAPrb:R II. 
 
 This boat has a motion all its own. Tech- 
 nically, 1 suppose it would be called "vibra- 
 tion,"" but it seems a whole lot more than 
 that. 1 endeavored to repose last night in 
 my berth but sleep was impossible; so I tried 
 the following- experiment in order to deter- 
 mine accurately just how much motion the 
 human body is to sustain during- this trip. 
 The steward brought me three table forks. 
 One I suspended from the berth above me 
 until the prongs were within two and one- 
 quarter inches of ni}^ abdomen ; then I took 
 the other two and fastened them at each 
 side of the l)erth so that the tines projected 
 toward my sides, leaving exact!}- the same 
 amount of space (two and one-quarter 
 inches), between the forks and me. I then 
 determined my bearings by locating the 
 north star, took the readings of the Ther- 
 mometer which stood at exactly lo Reau- 
 mur. The aneroid barometer was "jj. With 
 these facts before me, I calculated that the 
 vibrations to which the human body was sub- 
 
 12 
 
TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 13 
 
 jected in the course of 6 hours amounted to 
 exactly 63,300 inches, or just within five feet 
 of a mile, if the vibration is maintained 
 throughout our journey it will be compara- 
 tively easy to determine just how far one 
 travels "extra" and unpaid for. I am 'J^o'ing 
 to turn over my data to the National Geo- 
 graphical Society for comparison with the 
 North Pole records of Mr. Cook. 
 
 Land is in sight out of my port hole win- 
 dow. 
 
 Later: It is not land. Just rocks. The 
 only possible purpose of these mountains is 
 to keep the sea from overflowing France. 
 
 We are now approaching the harbor of 
 Marseilles. The city hovers about the base 
 of the mountains. High up on a hill is a 
 church 1,000 years old. Pious pilgrims from 
 all over France visit it each year but I shall 
 stick to the boat. We have just taken on 
 the pilot. 
 
 We are now passing into the harbor. Four 
 tug boats have this ship in charge. They 
 are swinging the boat around to dock at 
 Number Ten. One can see very plainly the 
 name of the dock. In large capital letters 
 you distinguish "R A L P H". 
 
 So this is my dock. I had much rather 
 
14 TWENTY-FOVR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 
 
 have a dock named after me than a cigar. 
 I wonder if they know I am on this boat. 
 
 An American colonel is standing on the 
 pier and he is shouting at the pilot. ''Dock 
 her on Number 4." "Dock her on Number 4." 
 Finally, after much gesticulation, the pilot 
 informs the colonel that he doesn't know 
 where dock Number 4 is. The colonel shouts 
 back: "The hell you don't. Follow my in- 
 structions." 
 
 I said he was an American colonel. But 
 we docked at Number 10 anyway, for the 
 wind is blowing so fiercely and the tide is 
 running so high that we didn't dare go up 
 stream any further. This means that tons 
 and tons of stuff which were to be loaded on 
 the boat at Number 4 must be moved by the 
 Americans in motor lorries to Number 10. 
 It means that we will be delayed, but one of 
 the Italian officers in referring to it, said, 
 *Tt doesn't matter. The Americans pay for 
 it." 
 
 There must be two hundred vessels of all 
 kinds in the harbor and they are in "full 
 dress." Flags of many colors and figures 
 are flying. Someone says it means that the 
 the Germans have agreed to sign peace. I 
 mus4: hunt that Swiss. 
 
CHAPTER III. 
 
 All yesterday afternoon the swinging 
 cranes on the boats were working, loading 
 on stuff for the soldiers to eat. There are 
 bags and bags of radishes and lettuce, pota- 
 toes, carrots, flour, and boxes and boxes of 
 canned goods — jam, beans, beef, molasses, 
 oleo, etc. If everything goes all right we 
 will sail this evening at 6 o'clock. If not we 
 will be delayed until morning, for boats do 
 not leave the harbor at night for fear of 
 striking floating mines. 
 
 The dock at which we are anchored is 
 about two miles long. It has been mostly 
 constructed since the war began. There is 
 a high wall at one side of it facing the Med- 
 iterranean and you may walk along the top 
 of the wall, the entire length. But the wind 
 is blowing so savagely and the breeze from 
 the sea is so cold that only a few of us have 
 walked it. The dock presents an animated 
 scene. There are scores of American sol- 
 diers driving motor lorries up to our ship 
 with the chow aforementioned. The lorries 
 
 15 
 
16 TW EN TY-FO U R DAYS 
 
 are unloaded by American negro soldiers, 
 big husky fellows. 
 
 One may make an interesting comparison 
 because French Colonial soldiers from Mo- 
 rocco rub elbows with our black boys, while 
 guarding a lot of salvage consisting of old 
 guns, helmets, discarded uniforms and a lot 
 of other rubbish which it seems to me should 
 be burned. 
 
 The Africans are not so heavy set as our 
 men. They are longer, leaner and as black 
 as the blackest lamp black. Our darkest 
 hues are like snow drops compared with the 
 African Colonials. Both wear khaki, but the 
 Moroccan boys wear red caps with tassels 
 on them. I wonder what they think of each 
 other. One speaks French and the other 
 American. 
 
 There is some good to come out of this 
 war. Perhaps one of the most far reaching 
 influences will be the broadened visions of 
 thousands who have never seen much 
 further than their home town. When I 
 write of broadened vision I do not mean 
 that it has come to the colored soldiers. My 
 impression is that it would have been better 
 if they had been left at home. Not but what 
 some of them have justified the faith placed 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 17 
 
 in them as fighters, but the social conditions 
 under which they have lived in Europe are 
 not an augury of good, after they are re- 
 turned home. 
 
 An interesting scene has just been enacted 
 which is voluble with promise and some- 
 thing else. 
 
 There are 1,500 pounds of bread to be 
 loaded upon this boat, but the American offi- 
 cers can find no suitable place to store it in 
 the hold. They want to put it in the pantry 
 but the captain is up-town and the cook will 
 not allow it, and he holds the key. Work 
 has been stopped on the pier for two hours, 
 while the American officers wrangle with 
 the Italian officers about where the bread is 
 to be stored. Neither understand each 
 other, so a civilian passenger is doing the 
 interpreting. If they do not come to terms 
 very soon, the boat can not sail today. The 
 problem then is very simple. 
 
 If we are delayed one day in starting, then 
 1,500 pounds of bread will cost Uncle Sam 
 three thousand dollars ($3,000). The offi- 
 cers of the ship, who have no authority to 
 act in the absence of the Captain, should 
 worry. It's a good day's work if they can 
 delay the boat for $3,000. Suppose you mul- 
 
18 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 tiply this sum several thousand times in the 
 course of the months we have been in war, 
 for we have paid our way, not only to trans- 
 port and feed our army, but in charity repre- 
 sented by the Red Cross and several other 
 organizations. We have paid for every foot 
 of ground we have used, for every stick of 
 wood, for every foot of road ; paid in Ameri- 
 can dollars which have been raised by taxes, 
 bonds, and in respect to charity, by threats. 
 No wonder the average American officer 
 tells you he feels that the best thing we can 
 do is to get back home and stay there. 
 
 The probabilities are this boat will sail to- 
 day, and we will save the $3,000 for Uncle 
 Sam, but in hundreds of cases they have not 
 sailed and we have paid the price. I write 
 that I think we will sail because the Ameri- 
 can Captain has just come on board. "To 
 hell with these dagoes. Don't pay any more 
 attention to them than if they were not here. 
 Bust in the door of that pantry and put the 
 bread in if they don't open it up." So the 
 steam cranes are working again now and 
 the boys will be marched on at 1:30 (per- 
 haps). 
 
 May I add by way of explanation that 
 while the rugged Americanism exemplified 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 19 
 
 by the army captain always appeals to me, I 
 am reporting it simply to show you in a very 
 limited way what is happening over here. 
 This is only one boat, and just a few soldiers 
 can be transported upon it. Multiply this 
 boat many hundred times, and these soldiers 
 many thousand times and you will begin to 
 appreciate the magnitude of the criss-cross 
 problems which have prevailed in this war, 
 and which have practically alienated one na- 
 tion from another, so far as the soldiers are 
 concerned. 
 
 It was just three o'clock when a long line 
 of khaki-clad men started up the gang-plank 
 of the Pesaro. For nearly two miles they 
 were strung out along the walk on top of 
 the sea-wall, tired from a four-mile march 
 over the dustiest roads in Christendom; each 
 man bent beneath his load, for certainly he 
 carried his physical limit. Some led dogs, 
 another a goat, one carried a 6-foot fan, and 
 it is practically certain that all had gathered 
 in some souvenirs. At 4:35 every man (be- 
 tween 1,200 and 1,300 of them) had gotten 
 on board. The men had been checked off, 
 had been bunked and so far as we could tell 
 the boat was ready to shove off. That work 
 was evidence of the best efficiency I have 
 
20 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 
 
 seen since I have been in Europe. There was 
 no confusion, no waste of time. "Step 
 lively" and "make her snappy" was the rule 
 which was obeyed. 
 
 As soon as the soldiers had gone down 
 into the bowels of this boat, and had located 
 the few square feet which had been allocated 
 to each, they began to pile out again for 
 fresh air. They were seen in the rigging, 
 astride the beams, in fact, in every spot 
 where it was safe or unsafe to be. 
 
 Someone with a cornet began to play, 
 "There are smiles" and five hundred voices 
 took it up. There were magnified yells, 
 much jesting and some scuffling. A sergeant 
 blew a whistle and all came to attention. 
 
 "Every man is responsible for his bunk 
 which must be kept clean. No man will be 
 allowed on deck unless he has his puttees 
 and jacket on. The penalty will be severe 
 for any who disobey this rule." 
 
 So said the sergeant and then he added: 
 "Supper at 7 o'clock"; that was followed by 
 a loud chorus of yells. 
 
 The tugs tugged while the whistles 
 whistled for 6:30 o'clock; it was good-bye 
 France, bound for Gibraltar. We were off. 
 
CHAPTER IV. 
 
 There are two or three companies of negro 
 troops on board. Some of the officers have 
 good stories to tell about them. Each offi- 
 cer usually tells about the same story, not 
 knowing the other one has already related 
 it, and one of them was to this effect: A 
 colored soldier had been disobedient and the 
 captain told him that it would be necessary 
 to shoot him. So he sent him to his tent to 
 get his revolver. The fellow went all right 
 and returned with the weapon. The captain 
 asked him how many cartridges there were 
 in the gun. 
 
 "Fo'r sir." Then, said the captain, "Do 
 you think that will be enough to kill you?" 
 "Yes, sir, yes, sir, Cap'n, cose if you miss me 
 with the fust one you sho're aint gwine see 
 no nigger for the second shot." 
 
 There are a number of American officers, 
 splendid looking fellows. There are excep- 
 tions to all rules, but as a class I do not think 
 the American officer measures up to the 
 standard of either the English or the French. 
 
 21 
 
22 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 There is a reason, of course. We are not a 
 warring nation and our men have not been 
 schooled for it. The English and the French 
 officers are warriors, that's all, especially the 
 English; but there is no better soldier walks 
 in shoe leather than the American dough- 
 boy. Believe me, the Yank is there when 
 it comes to a fight. 
 
 The inexperience of our officers cost many 
 and many a life. With proper training they 
 should be the best because they have the 
 brains and ability; but you cannot turn out 
 good officers by intensive training in three 
 months' time. It is absurd to suppose it can 
 be done. Of course, when there is a war and 
 we have to fight we do the best wc can, but 
 in a democracy like ours, every man, and 
 every man's son, ought to know something 
 about defensive w^arfare, and the only prac- 
 tical method is universal training. We shall 
 keep out of future wars if we keep strong 
 enough to make it unprofitable for people 
 to jump on us. 
 
 There are more than fifteen hundred men, 
 including the soldiers and crew in the hold 
 of this ship. A great many of the soldiers 
 are those who have been in hospitals or have 
 been detained in workhouses for some vio- 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 23 
 
 lation of army rules, or have been absent 
 without leave (A. W. O. L.)- Yet, there are 
 many who wear wound stripes. They are 
 not a typical American bunch by any means, 
 but I have talked with many of them and 
 they will all be bona fide Americans when 
 they get home. They have had enough of 
 "foreign" life and "foreign" ways. The 
 United States will look better to them than 
 it has ever looked before. 
 
 I just saw a fight between a doughboy and 
 a colored soldier. The negro bit the white 
 boy very savagely on the neck and face. A 
 couple of sergeants parted them, but the 
 white swears vengeance on the black before 
 the journey is ended. Probably nothing will 
 be'done to discipline them because the oflEi- 
 cers realize that they are now going home 
 and the tension is great. It really is a won- 
 der that more fights do not occur. 
 
 One cannot tell from looking at the pas- 
 sengers on this boat whether you are riding 
 first, second or third class. Here is a poly- 
 glot of most all the races under the sun. We 
 civilians are on it by virtue of the authority 
 of the American Naval Attache at Rome. 
 He has allotted about 300 berths for civilians 
 and they are all taken. We have the New 
 
24 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 York macaroni queen. She is a wizened old 
 woman, with a parched sun brown skin, 
 dressed in a lurid yellow costume. This is 
 her tenth trip across the pond to Italy. She 
 got caught there during the war and has not 
 been able to get home. Now she is broke. 
 
 There is a mother and daughter who have 
 been in Italy for six years, the daughter hav- 
 ing recovered during that time from incipi- 
 ent consumption. They, too, are going 
 home. 
 
 We have a missionary widow en route 
 from Persia. Her husband was killed just 
 before she left by a Kurd who wanted to run 
 off with their helper and the minister ob- 
 jected. The poor woman is in tears most 
 of the time. I mean the wife. 
 
 I was just talking to the soldier on guard 
 at the first-class entrance, near the stern of 
 the boat. He lives in Illinois. I asked him 
 what had been his most thrilling experience 
 during his ten months in France. He then 
 told me how it was his habitual custom to 
 be broke long before pay day each month, 
 his allotment being about ten dollars after 
 his mother gets hers. ''When a guy can get 
 a good hair cut and some big eats there ain't 
 nothings better." That was his sole jov once 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 25 
 
 each month — a hair cut and something ex- 
 tra to eat. Yet, most of us are dissatisfied. 
 War meant nothing to him if he could have 
 those two essentials every thirty days. 
 
 A lieutenant has been trying to interest a 
 Red Cross vs^orker in himself. 
 
CHAPTER V. 
 
 Last night there was a semblance of a con- 
 cert in the tirst-class music saloon. A lieu- 
 tenant, a buck private and a Red Cross girl 
 played the violin, cornet and piano, but the 
 impromptu vocalization of the privates in 
 the hold was much more inspiring. It 
 seems strange that there is really no music 
 on this boat. No orchestra of any kind. It 
 is simply packed with all kinds of people 
 huddled tosrether for from fifteen to twenty 
 days or more, every one taking life most 
 philosophically because most of us are going 
 home. There really is no excuse for the lack 
 of service, the absence of sanitation and 
 most everything which could make a trip 
 comfortable, except "war" and now the war 
 is over. 
 
 We have one very pretty lady. Everyone 
 is attracted by her comeliness. Yesterday 
 she was taking an afternoon constitutional 
 on the promenade deck. You know the 
 skirts are made rather short this year and 
 hers is no exception. Along the rear seam 
 
 26 
 
TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 27 
 
 of her silk stocking a few threads had given 
 away and the aperture was really noticeable, 
 even to a novice like me. The lady occupy- 
 ing the deck chair next to me called my at- 
 tention to it, for anything on board this 
 ship (which doesn't even furnish us with a 
 few notes of news snatched from the air) is 
 at once a matter of comment. The lady said, 
 "Dear, dear, I hope she doesn't find it out 
 until tonight. How embarrassing it would 
 be to her now if she knew it." 
 
 And yet we men oftentimes think we are 
 responsible for the philosophy of "What 
 they don't know, don't hurt 'em." 
 
 This is certainly languorous weather. It 
 is sticky hot. Off the port side is Spain, 
 consisting of white chalky mountains and 
 uninhabited hills. Some time today we 
 should reach Gibraltar, where we take on 
 coal. The steamer is rushing along at the 
 rate of ten knots per hour. 
 
 I went on deck a while ago and that poor 
 missionary whose husband was killed sat 
 there crying. One of the ladies asked me 
 to go over and say something comforting to 
 her. Should I or should I not? Those 
 things are so hard. 
 
28TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 
 
 "Madam," said I, "since the Kurds beat 
 the whey out of your husband wouldn't it 
 be comforting if you could get a Cheese 
 named after him?" 
 
 Alas, I am often misunderstood ! 
 
 For two days now the American officers 
 who ride with us in the first class cabins 
 have been fed on bully beef. And thereon 
 hangs a happy tale. The lieutenant in 
 charge of placing the supplies of food on the 
 boat for officers and men wanted to be sure 
 that the officers' food got on, so that came 
 first. The result was that tons of stuft* were 
 piled on top of it which has not yet been 
 moved off, and the officers have threatened 
 to mutiny. Tonight they got a better feed. 
 
 Most of the doughboys who sprawl around 
 on the decks, climb the rigging and get on 
 and in everything that will hold them, have 
 shed their khaki and today are donned in 
 blue jeans. They certainly do not present 
 that trim appearance we noticed when they 
 marched up the pier to the boat. 
 
 A captain is now a rival of the lieutenant. 
 
CHAPTER VI. 
 
 The rock which made a life insurance com- 
 pany famous towers above the sea directly 
 in front of us. We have anchored in Gibral- 
 tar Bay. Fifteen boats loaded with many 
 men are plying- about and arc calling out in 
 understandable English that they have lem- 
 ons, figs, oranges, and strawberries for sale. 
 They started to do a thriving business as 
 the dough-boys ordered freely, lifting up 
 their purchases by means of a string and a 
 sack from the water below. However, the 
 crafty fruit venders soon found it advisable 
 to do a cash in advance business and trade 
 slacked at once. 
 
 The Port of Gibraltar is controlled by the 
 British, Gibraltar is much more than a rock. 
 It is a city and a fort ; a most interesting vil- 
 lage, too, for there are a large number of 
 (British) Indian stores, filled with goods of 
 varied kinds and hues from the Orient. One 
 may hire a carriage for a few shillings and 
 drive on the mainland through the neutral 
 gate into Spain, to the town of Linea. 
 
 29 
 
so TfrEXTY-FOl'R DJYS 0\ A TROOPSHIP 
 
 Linea is typically a Spanish city, consist- 
 ing of one-story buildings painted and 
 whitewashed a dazzling white. There is to 
 be a bull fight in the city tomorrow and it 
 it quite probable the bulk of our boat will go. 
 Inasmuch as I have already witnessed one 
 bull fight, I shall spend Sunday whiling away 
 the wearisome hours in a more interesting 
 and less gory fashion than by watching 
 horses gutted by angry bulls. 
 
 They are putting loads and loads of sand 
 on this boat for ballast. I wonder why. 
 Shipping space is valuable. We have not 
 begun to coal. The officers will take the 
 soldiers for a hike around Gibraltar tomor- 
 row if they can find tugs to land them. We 
 are four miles from shore. 
 
CHAPTER VTI. 
 
 An army chaplain, l)etween puffs of a cig- 
 arette, informed us soon after breakfast (?) 
 that there would be services this morning. 
 If those army fellc>ws will stop playing stud 
 poker for a while he may get a crowd. There 
 are some very pretty Red Cross girls on 
 board, but unless a fellow is at least a major 
 he doesn't have much of a show — except 
 with one. She likes lieutenants and cap- 
 tains. 
 
 31 
 
CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 At nine o'clock this morning about 400 
 soldiers were taken off the boat on a tender 
 and transferred to the parkway around Gib- 
 raltar, where they proceeded to raise sweat 
 and dust for two hours. They were closely 
 guarded, but in spite of that two dropped 
 out of the lines. 
 
 Every vessel in the harbor, including two 
 American men-of-war, are decorated with 
 the colors of all the Allies and "associate." 
 Last evening at about eight o'clock the guns 
 on the heights of Gibraltar fired loi salutes 
 and the fog horn on this old tub was turned 
 loose for half an hour. We understand that 
 it is on account of the signing of Peace. This 
 is somewhat mystifying for when we left 
 Marseilles five days ago the ships in the har- 
 bor were decorated in a similar manner, as 
 I have recounted. There must have been 
 some delay, but we get no news on this boat 
 and will get none until we reach America. 
 We do not know when that will be. Some 
 
 32 
 
TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 33 
 
 coal was put on the boat today, the third 
 day we have waited in Gibraltar Bay. 
 
 The sig^ning of Peace afforded me a little 
 extra cash on account of my wager which 
 was not a bet, so I went ashore this morn- 
 ing and chartered a boat for Africa tomor- 
 row. I had to guarantee $420 for the trip. 
 Two others were kind enough to join me in 
 the enterprise. This evening I announced to 
 the assembled diners at dinner time that one 
 of our enterprising passengers (me) had 
 chartered a boat and all those who desired 
 might visit Tangier tomorrow, etc. 
 
 I then went on to tell them how the fa- 
 mous and intrepid Livingston had started 
 his explorations at Tangier (which he never 
 did) and I painted such a rosy picture of the 
 beauties of a typically Moorish town that 
 enough have volunteered at $5 per capita to 
 much more than repay my guarantee. Thus 
 I get another chapter and one more day will 
 be lopped off this infernal waiting for coal. 
 
 Gibraltar was certainly in festive form 
 today. The whole village of ten thousand 
 people was festooned with flags. Im- 
 promptu marches were staged by the school 
 children who carried tin pans for drums, 
 and by the elders, many of whom carried an 
 
34 TWENTY-FOVR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 
 
 effervescing load, besides mounted cartoons 
 of the ex-Kaiser. The same Holland visitor 
 was strung up in effigy all over the city, and 
 this morning the guns of the fort again fired 
 loi times as a welcome to Peace. 
 
 The city was really quaintly picturesque; 
 (they say England wants to turn Gibraltar 
 over to America). It is peopled largely by 
 Spanish. The Spanish people love color, so 
 they hung out their bed spreads, their red 
 rugs and everything in the house that had 
 color in it. There was also much lace flut- 
 tering from the windows. 
 
 Gibraltar has some very quaint little shops 
 with East Indian salesmen and the crowd, 
 which went over today, bought liberally. 
 
 The Americans seem to think and act as 
 if our country is going dry. 
 
 This morning while the soldiers were 
 parading one of our boys called out to an 
 Englishman, "Hi say, Tommy, 'ave you 'ad 
 your tea?" Quick as a flash the Tommy 
 came back, "Yes, but you better 'ave your 
 beer 'ere." Tomorrow Tangier. 
 
 Both the captain and the lieufenant and 
 the Red Cross srirl are going:. 
 
CHAPTER IX. 
 
 Today at noon the coalers struck, and 
 now it is rumored that we will have to re- 
 main here in this harbor for another week. 
 One can adjust one's self to almost any kind 
 of circumstances but remaining for days in 
 a harbor, with the hot sun pouring down 
 upon you by day and the cabins like fur- 
 naces by night, is not exactly my idea of a 
 joy-life. 
 
 I can read and I can write and I can con- 
 verse and I can find a few unoccupied feet 
 of deck to walk upon. That's all. In fact, 
 we have all of the comforts here that one has 
 in jail, except that w^e can get off the boat, 
 on parole, and today we went to Tangiers, 
 which is a part of this story. 
 
 Entertainment is very remote on this boat. 
 Nearly all the talkers are now telling their 
 stories for the tenth time and there seems 
 to be nothing new under the sun. For in- 
 stance, a very charming young lady said to 
 me the other morning at breakfast ( ?) : 
 
 35 
 
36 TWENTY- FOUR DAYS 
 
 "What hand do you use to stir your coffee?" 
 and I innocently repHed, "Usually my 
 right." 
 
 Whereupon she suggested that I ought to 
 use my spoon. I waited two days and then 
 I said to her mother in the presence of the 
 daughter. "Mrs. X, there are some scandal- 
 ous stories going the rounds of this boat 
 about your daughter and personally I have 
 some reason to believe they are true." The 
 mother was horrified and the daughter was 
 mystified and when they asked me what I 
 had heard. I told them to lean over closer so 
 no one would hear, (Mother and daughter 
 very much interested with pained expres- 
 sions on their faces.) "I am told (I said in 
 a very loud whisper so every one at the table 
 could hear) that since we left Genoa (O 
 madam, spare me, I must not repeat idle 
 gossip). ("Go on, go on," they cried.) 
 "Well, I am told very confidentially that 
 since we left Genoa (sob) there have been 
 two be(i)rths in your cabin." (Mother wild 
 and daughter outraged. Called me a "nasty 
 thing.") 
 
 So we went to Tangier, Africa, a city of 
 the Moors. 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 37 
 
 I have already told you how we came to 
 charter the boat. At half past eight this 
 morning a large steam tug pulled up along- 
 side this Pesaro ship and its "business man- 
 ager" proceeded to do business with me. I 
 handed him a long list of names of those 
 who had promised to go to Tangier. Instead 
 of furnishing tickets or remaining on the 
 gangway of his boat, he insisted upon stay- 
 ing in the comfortable reading room of this 
 floating ship to collect the money. He never 
 even made a record of the first forty or fifty 
 dollars he took in. The result was that when 
 every one in sight had paid, he had about 
 half enough money. I was mystified. Had 
 all my friends backed out? Was I stuck? 
 We went down to the boat and took a look. 
 It was loaded full. Then the process of 
 weeding out those who had paid and those 
 who had not paid was begun. 
 
 Our departure was delayed one hour, but 
 finally we were off with 120 on board, 12 of 
 whom never paid upon advice from me. That 
 number should have represented a profit to 
 me above my guarantee but not having a 
 written contract with the company, its 
 agent insisted on keeping all the money. I 
 didn't care because my salary goes on just 
 
38 TfFENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 the same whether I work or not. I am not 
 trying to make money, but if the thing had 
 gone the other way I would have been finan- 
 cially bumped. 
 
 I asked the Chief Steward last night to 
 put up a lunch for eighty people, suggesting 
 that as we would be away today, and the 
 boat would profit from it; that the least he 
 could do was to concoct some sandwiches. 
 He was very glad to do it, but this morning 
 when he delivered the lunch he wanted to 
 collect $80. I told him he was laboring un- 
 der a delusion; that it was not my business 
 to feed the passengers on the boat and then 
 he told me in Italian what he thought of me. 
 I reciprocated in American, with the sug- 
 gestion that he keep the sandwiches and 
 feed them to the fishes; but he relented and 
 put them on the boat — they were much en- 
 joyed. 
 
 It is a three hour trip to Tangier across 
 the Strait of Gibraltar (where many a ship 
 has gone down during this war). If it is as 
 rough as it was yesterday it takes four hours. 
 For several miles we sailed close to the Span- 
 ish coast. Here and there one could see on 
 a mountain top the remains of old Moor ob- 
 servation towers. Washington Irving and 
 
ON A TROO PSHIP 39 
 
 the Conquest of Granada became more clear. 
 The desert coasts seemed deserted. Hardly 
 a living thing was to be seen, either of plant 
 or animal life. Once we did spy a mule 
 caravan along the beach but it was so far 
 away many thought the mules were camels. 
 Just before we struck directly across the 
 Strait we got a good view of the ancient 
 and walled city of Tarifa on the Spanish 
 coast. Then we went for Africa. 
 
 There is no harbor at Tangier, so our little 
 boat had to anchor in a very rough sea about 
 a mile from shore. ]\Ioors, dressed in tu- 
 nics or baggy pajamas with big broad red 
 belts, red turban caps and kimona shirts, 
 swarmed about the boat begging for the op- 
 portunity to take us ashore. Many of them 
 were very bright looking fellows and cer- 
 tainly they are linguists, for some of them 
 spoke English, French, Italian, German, and 
 Spanish. The African zone which we visited 
 is controlled by France. 
 
 Tangier, a Moorish city whose buildings 
 date back to the beginning of the Christian 
 era, is located on the shores of the Atlantic 
 where one may repose on the summit of some 
 lofty hills, almost mountains, and watch the 
 caravans of the sea pass into the Strait, con- 
 
40 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 necting the Mediterranean with the Atlan- 
 tic, which at the narrowest point is about 
 twelve miles wide. 
 
 Thus our first view of Tangier presented 
 a very white stone city to us; the buildings 
 roofed with tile and with streaks of blue in 
 the white paint that might have been put 
 there to match the sea. 
 
 It was a striking picture even if we did 
 approach it in a boat which threatened to 
 capsize every minute as it was greatly over- 
 loaded, and the waves rocked resentfully. 
 
 We were finally landed at a dilapidated 
 dock and proceeded up a steep slope to the 
 city. Tradesmen swarmed around us by 
 the hundred, speaking the Moorish or Arab- 
 ian language, punctuated with what little 
 English and other languages the barterers 
 knew. 
 
 Having traveled a few places in my time, 
 I was forewarned by intuition that if I 
 wanted to really see the sights nothing could 
 be of more service than two good-looking 
 American women. I therefore gallantly of- 
 fered to escort the best looking couple on 
 the boat, one a married lady of 44 ( ?) years, 
 but looking chic and much younger, and a 
 beautiful girl of 22. 
 
ON A TROO PSHIP 41 
 
 Being wise as well as beautiful, they read- 
 ily accepted my gallant proffer and we were 
 off. As the hills on which the town of Tan- 
 gier was built are very steep and the streets 
 very narrow, I hired three donkeys and a 
 guide. The girl was a good rider but the 
 married lady shied at the donkey and pro- 
 tested, but in vain. Amid many screams we 
 deposited her on the patient little animal, 
 which she declared she could never ride, and 
 set off up narrow streets filled with shops 
 and dervishes and madly talking people. 
 
 To get ahead of my story this same lady 
 declared, when we returned to the boat that 
 henceforth she would take to donkey riding; 
 that she never had enjoyed herself so much 
 in her life. Dear little donkies, how do they 
 do it? 
 
 For an hour we rode in narrow lanes of 
 brilliant morning glories and pungent gera- 
 niums. We stopped once to visit a Moorish 
 castle which was built in the year 300, ac- 
 cording to Mahomet calculations. I shall 
 not describe the castle except you must re- 
 member that Moorish architecture is char- 
 acterized by perfect squares, serrated with 
 pointed projections, and domes. It is simple 
 and to my mind exceedingly beautiful. 
 
42 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 Now I am about to record one of the most 
 remarkable experiences of my life and one 
 which is not likely ever to be duplicated. I 
 had always had a lurking desire to see the 
 interior of a harem. My companions felt 
 the same way, so I insisted that the guide 
 take me to one. Protesting much, he led us 
 to the Governor's Palace. We proceeded 
 along very narrow, ill-smelling streets, up 
 steep hills, down precipitous alleys and up 
 again, to see on the summit of the hill a per- 
 fectly square and very white building. There 
 were streaks of pink in the paint — just as if 
 geraniums had been smeared into it. There 
 was a roof garden on top and an enormous 
 knocker on the door. I wanted that 
 knocker. I tapped it loudly twice. 
 
 While waiting for an answer the guide 
 told me that if I saw the wives or associates 
 of the Governor, the penalty for me was 
 death. 
 
 We had passed many women on the 
 streets whose faces were entirely shrouded. 
 One could just see their eyes and sometimes 
 their noses. Finally a very black maid came 
 to the door and I indicated, not speaking 
 Moorish, that we wished to enter, at the 
 same time slipping her a very silver dollar. 
 
ON /I TROOPSHIP 43 
 
 She disappeared but came back in about five 
 minutes and invited the ladies to enter, but 
 not me. 
 
 Making a show of gallantry as if it didn't 
 matter about me, the ladies then went in. 
 Now I will say that they did not at first ap- 
 preciate what I had led them into; but they 
 went joyfully in and the old Governor or 
 Bey, who was stretched out upon the floor, 
 rose to greet them. They didn't recognize 
 him, as they thought he was simply a 
 servant. 
 
 In the meantime I was waiting at the door 
 in a broiling hot sun as the sea breeze didn't 
 strike us on that side of the house. Soon a 
 handsome boy about twelve years of age 
 came up the steps and as he passed I handed 
 the amazed youngster another very shiny 
 dollar. He left me outside wondering what 
 the inside of a harem was like. I even went 
 so far as to go up to the door and try to peer 
 through the stained glass but a very black 
 girl dressed in very large ear rings came over 
 and locked the door. Seconds passed and 
 the ladies did not return. Minutes seemed 
 merging into hours. I found out afterwards 
 that they both talked French and through 
 the boy who had gone in with my dollar, had 
 
44 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 learned that the fat old man reposing on a 
 divan was the Bey of Tangier, so they made 
 amends in a most gracious manner, mean- 
 while taking in the harem and some twenty- 
 two respective brides of many ages, hues and 
 sizes. 
 
 All this time those silver dollars had been 
 working an alchemic change in the hearts 
 of the recipients. Perhaps there were many 
 more servants and probably they wanted 
 some dollars, too? At any rate, the colored 
 dame returned to announce that the "Senor" 
 might enter. 
 
 Let me begin again, for this is interesting. 
 
 I approached the house between high 
 stone walls whitewashed or painted very 
 white. The house was square, and all around 
 the roof were small spires about a foot high, 
 shaped like wedges. The first door I came 
 to was a very heavy steel one (it might have 
 been bronze) on which was located the fme 
 old knocker. I had passed through this door 
 and entered a hall in which there were mat- 
 ted Moor cushions, if I had wished to sit 
 down. At the end of the hall was the door 
 with stained glass through which I had tried 
 to look. Now it was open and I might enter. 
 
ON A TROO P SHIP 45 
 
 Me, in a harem — twenty-two wives — 
 somewhere — the sun — shining through — 
 something — which gave forth — weird Hghts 
 — of rainbow colors — Africa — Tangier — a 
 harem — a harem — a harem. 
 
 Soon, however, the house settled. It 
 stopped rocking. I looked down. My feet 
 stood upon mosaic work. My knees trem- 
 bled. My eyes looked up to see that directly 
 above us there was what we would call a 
 sky light, but the light which came through 
 it was diffused. Thus I had visions of rain- 
 bows. On the second floor was a square bal- 
 cony, with small marble pillars. Looked 
 much like the box arrangement of a theatre. 
 Directly in front of me was a magnificent 
 Persian rug, the kind you dream about. 
 Over against the wall was a long mat about 
 a foot from the floor. The mat rested on 
 cushions which were very soft. (I got a 
 chance to feel them.) The mat was covered 
 with an oriental piece of some kind. On that 
 mat reposed the Bey. AVhen the old gentle- 
 man saw me he must have felt that two kin- 
 dred souls had met. He arose, stretched out 
 his hand and I grasped it, at the same time 
 assuring him that it was all my pleasure. 
 He couldn't understand me except that there 
 
46 TWENTY-FOUR DJYS 
 
 must have been a light in my face which was 
 eloquent. Anyway, in very good Moorish, 
 he reciprocated. He then invited me to be 
 seated, which I didn't. I simply stood and 
 gazed about. To my left was a bed chamber, 
 with no door to obscure my vision. Two 
 square pillars with an arch connecting them 
 formed the entrance. A small rug lay at the 
 portal and directly at the back of the rug 
 was more matting on cushions against the 
 side of the wall. A step forward and a crane 
 of the neck revealed the same arrangement 
 around the whole room. There were sleep- 
 ing quarters for seven of the twenty-two in 
 that place, providing the two which slept at 
 the ends were not over five feet two, and he 
 had them all sizes. 
 
 On my right was another bedroom where 
 the servants of color reposed. I was not 
 interested. A little sideways and backward 
 was an open space on the mosaic floor on 
 which was displayed all sorts of beautiful 
 brasserie as if it had been arranged for sale. 
 There were instruments for making tea, cof- 
 fee and for cooking. A door was thrown 
 open, revealing what we would call a pantry, 
 very small with no window in it. That was 
 the kitchen. 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 47 
 
 I glanced at the marble stairway and 
 something said to me as something does 
 sometimes : 
 
 "My boy, lift up your eyes; come up 
 higher." Clearly it was an inspiration. I 
 gazed at the Governor, who was now 
 stretched out in not too graceful a fashion 
 upon the matting and cushions which I 
 should call a divan. His skin was a swarthy 
 dark color; he was fat; fit to kill; he wore a 
 tunic and a red sash, but his slippers, in ac- 
 cordance with the oriental custom, had been 
 removed. His feet were large and his Van 
 Dyke beard was black. He had a moustache 
 to match. I concede that I should not have 
 been his equal in a physical contest unless 
 I had caught him off his guard. Again with 
 that mystical spiritualism which pervades 
 some of us, he read in my face the call which 
 I had had a few minutes before, and with a 
 wave of the hand denoting authority bade 
 me to go up the marble stairway. So I went. 
 Half way up, the stairs circled around, and 
 right at the circle there was an old Moorish 
 clock, one of the kind grandfather used to 
 talk about, only it was much different. Per- 
 haps you have seen the inlaid Moorish flint 
 lock guns. That's what the clock was. Its 
 
48 T W EN TY-FOU R DAYS 
 
 chimes were like a juicy beefsteak; they 
 were so tender. At the top of the stairs, I 
 noticed for the first time, hanging from the 
 center of the glass roof, a marvelous cut 
 glass chandelier. I walked around the bal- 
 cony, looking down at the old fellow below, 
 but he didn't look up, so quickly had I gained 
 his complete confidence. Then I peered into 
 a room which was a vision. 
 
 It was about eight feet wide and twenty- 
 five feet long. From the center hung an- 
 other cut glass chandelier. On the floor 
 were beautiful rugs, and on the walls hand- 
 some tapestries. There were divans along 
 the walls for seven persons but none at the 
 ends of the room, for at both ends of the 
 place, which had no windows in it, there 
 were couches of repose. It would be wicked 
 to call them beds, for they were not. The one 
 on the right was raised four feet from the 
 floor. The first layer was springs, very 
 heavy yet resilient springs. On the springs 
 was a mattress made of the down of many 
 ducks, verv soft. The mattress was covered 
 with something that felt like it was felt. I 
 can't name it. It was cool to the touch. 
 Over this was a pale blue silken sheet. The 
 sheet was followed by a pink one of the same 
 
() N .1 V R () () r s II I r 40 
 
 material and (lirii over (liat was another 
 silken coverlet on which a liviiij; likeness of 
 some patron saint oi the Moors had heen 
 worked, prohahly Mahomet. The pillow 
 was one piece, ahsolnlely ronnd. 'I'hat 
 really looked uncomfortahle. In liont of the 
 hed were heavy pnr|)le cnrtains which conld 
 be drawn hnt now they were parted and a 
 silken mosciuito nettinj^ proteclt-d the edi- 
 fice from my irreverent ^aze (after I had 
 made my invest ij^at ions ). 
 
 1 will not attempt a description of the 
 other downy divan because it was much like 
 its twin. There was a real biu'eau into which 
 1 did not look hnt on its marble top were 
 several Moor turbans and a j)air of ear rinj^s 
 with emeralds in them as bi^ as cats eyes. 
 
 The ladies 'i? Shucks! 1 didn't see them. 
 I'm too young to die. Besides, one Ameri- 
 can }4irl is worth a million times more than 
 every oriental dame from the C:i\)c of (Jood 
 Iloi)e to the Mediterranean Sea. 
 
 A little way outside of the harem we 
 passed a house where the blinds were partly 
 down. At the front door some woman was 
 wailinj^- and kissing the door. Tt was pa- 
 thetic in the extreme. We glanced through 
 an open window to see a cofBn in the room. 
 
50 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 Soon a Moorish funeral was wending its way 
 through the town, the casket carried upon 
 the shoulders of the bearers. Mourners in 
 white robes followed, chanting some weird 
 music and jangling cymbals and tamborines. 
 The people stood at salute with hats off 
 when the cavalcade passed. 
 
 Our donkeys rounded the corner of a nar- 
 row street and we came face to face with 
 one of the weirdest blackest figures I have 
 ever seen. He was dressed in many span- 
 gles, beads and bells. In his hand the old 
 fellow held cymbals which he beat together 
 and when he did one of his entertaining 
 stunts he made many funny grimaces with 
 his face and all its appendages. His danc- 
 ing, his facial expressions, his blackness, his 
 noise, struck a responsive chord !n my mem- 
 ory which startled me. And then I remem- 
 bered having seen him at the exposition in 
 St. Louis about sixteen years ago. 
 
 This was Tangier, Africa. What a world! 
 I confirmed my conviction for the old fellow 
 spoke very good English. We shook hands 
 as old friends. 
 
 But back we must go to our boat. The 
 Moors got us in a launch in one of the chop- 
 piest seas I have ever been on and then 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 51 
 
 stopped still for ten minutes until they had 
 collected some extra fares. Just about the 
 time some of the American officers had de- 
 cided to throw them over board they started 
 the boat and back we came rolling merrily 
 to the Pesaro. 
 
 I cannot report upon progress of our he- 
 roes and heroine. I was busy. 
 
CHAPTER X. 
 
 Yesterday they put on a little coal but the 
 heavers struck again at noon and we are still 
 without enough coal to carry us to the 
 Azores. There are all sorts of rumors fly- 
 ing about. Some say the Bolshevikis have 
 it in for us because this is a German boat. 
 Others say there is trouble between the Ital- 
 ians and the English. We passengers only 
 know that we are laying here in this harbor 
 when we ought to be on our way home. The 
 dough-boys are getting very restless. There 
 have been a few fights. "Take us home or 
 land us," they say. The American officers 
 on board may get busy. 
 
 A petty officer on this liner had an argu- 
 ment yesterday with one of our boys. He 
 drew a knife but didn't get to use it. He 
 ought to recover in six months if he receives 
 the proper kind of medical attention. 
 
 52 
 
CHAPTER XL 
 
 Knowing that we are doomed to remain 
 here for another twenty-four hours as the 
 bolshies are coaHng again, I chartered a 
 small launch for four of us to be here at the 
 Pesaro this morning at 9:30, to take us to 
 Algeciras, Spain. My boat failed to show 
 up at the appointed hour but another, which 
 an American officer had ordered, did come, 
 and I mistook it for mine. So we four 
 boarded it and shoved off amidst much 
 shouting by the dough-boys who have noth- 
 ing else to do but poke fun at those of us 
 who can leave the boat. We were not more 
 than ten feet away from the Pesaro when the 
 officer came running down the steps in a very 
 threatening manner and shouted to me to 
 "Bring back that boat, bring it back I say," 
 at the same time shaking both fists at me. 
 
 He gave me the first good opening I have 
 ever had, and I surely took advantage of 
 it for in the purest of English I shouted back 
 at the top of my voice, "Go to hell, will you.'* 
 He must have been very popular with the 
 
 63 
 
54 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 boys, judging from the cheers which I heard. 
 I meant no disrespect whatsoever to the 
 American officer, but I did mean most 
 vehemently that if he thought he could 
 "order" me to obey him he had another 
 think coming. If he had spoken respect- 
 fully, as one American to another, he prob- 
 ably would have had his boat back and I 
 might not have seen Algeciras. But this 
 damn-you business doesn't go with me, for 
 I, too, am a fighter. 
 
 Algeciras is another typical Spanish vil- 
 lage located on the sea. The ladies have 
 not adopted the Parisian fashion so we 
 found them wearing the veils or mantillas 
 with very high tortoise shell combs in their 
 hair, — an ancient and I hope honored cus- 
 tom. 
 
 There is one place really worth seeing. 
 That is the hotel Reina Christina in which 
 the famous Algeciras conference was held 
 between the French and the Germans when 
 they had some trouble a few years ago, 
 which threatened to precipitate a European 
 war. The Reina Christina hostelry ought 
 to be renowned the world around. The 
 building itself — of the true Spanish type — is 
 
ON A TROO PSHIP 55 
 
 a dream. And it is simply inundated with 
 bowers of multi-tinted flowers. 
 
 There is a rumor abroad that we are to 
 leave tomorrow. This boat is controlled by 
 the Admiralty at London through our own 
 Navy representative who is located at Gib- 
 raltar. Specific orders were issued yester- 
 day for the boat to proceed but the Italian 
 captain disobeyed them. We were ordered 
 to proceed to the Azores and coal, but if we 
 had done that the Lloyd Sabaudo line would 
 have lost its commission on the profits of 
 the sale of the coal which we are supposed 
 to take on here, as the U. S. has its own coal 
 at the Azores. So we are still here. But 
 not for long. 
 
CHAPTER XII. 
 
 This boat will sail when the captain gets 
 ready. He has had orders from the Naval 
 officials of the American Admiralty but we 
 are still here. Outside, as I write, I can hear 
 a hundred chattering, swearing, screeching 
 men who are pouring coal or rather coal 
 dust into the hold of this vessel. They are 
 dumping it in by the bushel basket full. It 
 seems rather an endless task to fill up the 
 coal bunks by that process, but they have 
 systematized their method of working and 
 really the baskets are emptied with despatch. 
 Almost a week in port, waiting and wonder- 
 ing and writing. 
 
 And this is our glorious day of Indepen- 
 dence, the Fourth of July! 
 
 If we do not sail this evening a number 
 of us will celebrate upon the battleship 
 Pittsburgh which is anchored here. If we 
 do sail, then that will be celebration enough. 
 There is to be an American baseball game at 
 Gibraltar this afternoon, so that means we 
 will not raise the anchor until six o'clock 
 
 56 
 
TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 57 
 
 anyway. Meanwhile rumors are afloat that 
 some one may try to do to this old German 
 ship what was done to the interned fleet at 
 Scapa Flow. The few women who are on 
 board are petulant and hysterical. Such 
 rumors affect them temperamentally. We 
 are practically out of touch with the world. 
 There is very little news of any kind and 
 none from America. There are some old 
 English papers for sale in Gibraltar, but I 
 could have bought the same issues in Genoa 
 before I left, June 23. Eleven days from 
 Genoa to Gibraltar via Marseilles, which is 
 a good 48 hours' run. 
 
 It might be much worse. There are some 
 very pleasant people on board. The food is 
 better than when we first started. We have 
 been able to get to land most every day for 
 a few hours. A Lieutenant of the U. S. 
 Navy here at Gibraltar received orders to 
 return home and as there was no cabin for 
 him I have shared mine which really for me 
 is a delightful privilege. I should like to 
 name this splendid American youth but 
 some of the things which I have already 
 written, and others which I shall write, have 
 been told to me by him so it is obvious that 
 my informer must travel incognito with the 
 
5S Tff'E\TY-FOVR DAYS 
 
 readers of this book. As a writer I too often 
 tind this must be the case : to many splendid 
 men and women am I indebted for informa- 
 tion which you read, and yet I must pay 
 them only a silent tribute. 
 
 We did not get ott today, so this has been 
 a glorious Fourth. At noon the sea became 
 so rough that it was necessary to stop coal- 
 ing or the barges would have been swamped. 
 The waves were leaping so high and so wild 
 that the regular launch which runs between 
 the Fesaro and the shore did not come out. 
 llowc\er. 500 dough-boys went ashore this 
 morning because a ball game was to be 
 played this afternoon between the soldiers 
 and the blue jackets from the Pittsburgh. 
 
 My bunk mate, the Xaval otncial. ottered 
 to take a few of us on shore in his navy 
 launch. \\"e eagerly accepted. The water 
 leaped over the boat just as if we had been 
 riding on a raft. A shore trip which should 
 take only thirty minutes consumed one hour 
 and fifteen mimites. \\ were thoroughly 
 drenched but on shore the hot sim and wind 
 soon dried us out and we were ready for the 
 ball game. 
 
 About 1. 000 Americans, a doren or two oi 
 us being civilians, gathered in a ball park. 
 
ON A T R.O O P S HI P 59 
 
 while, between tunes by the Marine band, 
 eight innings of fairly good baseball were 
 played, the Navy winning by a score of 5 
 to I. The dough-boys had had no chance 
 to practice and they were hardly a match 
 for the elongated fireman hurler from the 
 Pittsburgh. The repartee was most inter- 
 esting. 
 
 One dough-boy was hit with a foul ball 
 and immediately a hundred men yelled, 
 "Give him a wound stripe." When they en- 
 couraged their pitcher they called out, 
 "Come on buddie, you know we get salmon 
 salad tonight." 
 
 Another, reflecting the feeling of us all 
 said, "Take your time, buddie, take your 
 time, we'll be here for a week yet." 
 
 There were two umpires, one for the Navy 
 and the other for the Army. Whenever 
 there was a close decision the Navy man al- 
 ways favored the Army and the Army man 
 always favored the Navy so we had the par- 
 adoxical situation of the Navy roasting its 
 own umpire and the Army doing likewise. 
 It was thoroughly an American outing and 
 was the most unique Fourth of July I have 
 ever spent, but the best was yet to come. 
 
60 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 We boarded the Pittsburgh about 6 o'clock 
 and we left at midnight on the Admiral's 
 launch for the Pesaro. In the meantime we 
 had enjoyed a real American meal with tur- 
 key and gravy and all the ''trimmings." I 
 say it was real American for it was the first 
 one I had attended in six months where no 
 wines have been served. 
 
 The Pittsburgh is a very luxurious battle- 
 ship, more fitted for cruising than for fight- 
 ing. In fact that is about all it is good for as 
 its guns are not heavy enough to afford it 
 much protection in case of a fight with a real 
 man-of-war and its speed is not great enough 
 to enable it to get away from a swift fighter. 
 But as an Admiral's boat it is a beautiful 
 hotel, as spotlessly clean as anything you 
 can possibly imagine. After the most deli- 
 cious dinner had been served, and cigarettes 
 had gone the rounds, the table was taken 
 out of the mess room, the Victrola turned 
 on and the ladies and officers danced. I 
 think the officers were the handsomest and 
 altogether the finest set of men I have ever 
 seen on a battleship. Very keen, delightful- 
 ly American, and reserved until they got ac- 
 quainted. It took half an hour for the stiff- 
 
ON A TROO PS HI P 61 
 
 ness to wear off but when it did conversa- 
 tion began to flow and the fun was on. 
 
 There was an excellent moving picture 
 show but the pictures were not so attractive 
 as the men who watched it. I suppose 500 
 or 600 blue jackets dressed in spotless white 
 were on the decks. The big guns had been 
 swung to port and starboard so that a can- 
 vas could be stretched, and Julian Eltinge 
 went through several of his clever womanly 
 stunts, much to the delight of the officers 
 and men. Admiral and Mrs. Grant honored 
 us with their presence. Between each reel 
 the band played American airs. With the 
 heavens for a canvas, the stars for light and 
 the water for a setting the picture was beau- 
 tiful and truly inspiring. I promised to send 
 the men copies of the books I have written 
 and this one too, which I hope finds them 
 somewhere on the high seas, and conveys 
 to them my deepest appreciation for a most 
 delightful experience. It was a perfectly 
 sane, grand, glorious Fourth. 
 
CHAPTER XIL 
 
 The dough-boys are now coaHng this ship 
 so it seems that we might get away tonight. 
 Only a few of them can be used at a time 
 and they are volunteers. It is surprising to 
 see how many of the colored fellows took 
 the dirty dusty job and it was most amusing 
 to watch them. They soon began to yell at 
 the Spanish who remained on the barges to 
 help them and they sent the baskets up so 
 fast that the "Wops," as they call them, 
 could not handle the coal. Some fellow in 
 the hold stuck his head out of a port hole 
 and gesticulated wildly in protestation but 
 the darkies kept singing ''step lively" and 
 injected into the conversation every French 
 word or phrase they have picked up, 
 whether it suited the action or not. It cer- 
 tainly was highly amusing as well as coal- 
 ing. The intrepid foreigner who stuck his 
 head out of a port hole was carried away in 
 a launch. He will probably awake on the 
 Sabbath day in a very sore state of mind and 
 
 62 
 
TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 63 
 
 skull, for a well directed chunk of coal si- 
 lenced him and his protesting song. 
 
 After we had hung here for three days 
 there was much blustery talk in the charac- 
 teristic American fashion about starting this 
 boat and I put some faith in it. It sounded 
 splendid and when it was learned that the 
 Americans had taken charge of things a 
 cheer went up from all over the boat. I am 
 afraid, however, that the actual results rep- 
 resent what has transpired over here a great 
 many times since the war began. 
 
 We've done a lot of swearing and bluster- 
 ing but the Europeans have taken their own 
 blessed time, and they have done things in 
 their own way. 
 
 The only thing we hear now is that when 
 this boat reaches New York the whole Ital- 
 ian crew from the captain down will be ar- 
 rested. 
 
 If you read this story as I intend it to be 
 read, being a narrative of many details, you 
 will or should appreciate what it means to 
 wage war 3,000 miles away. You will also 
 appreciate, I think, why I return home feel- 
 ing that I am not leaving one friendly Gov- 
 ernment or press behind. If I had my way 
 about it I should call the dough-boys to- 
 
64 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 gether, organize an expedition and throw 
 every member of the crew into the sea and 
 then start home. There are plenty of naval 
 men on this boat who know how to run a 
 ship. We would precipitate international 
 complications but they are already started 
 anyway so we better get home. Besides, 
 there has already been some blood shed, and 
 the members of the crew who are selling 
 cognac to our boys surreptitiously have been 
 responsible for it. 
 
 It is now past eleven o'clock at night and 
 the dough-boys are still coaling so that we 
 will be off early tomorrow morning. (Sun- 
 day.) This has put a great deal of natural 
 and artificial spirits into the crowd. The 
 soldiers are celebrating. A splendid cornet- 
 ist is sitting in the rigging playing merry 
 tunes and the boys are singing. A big black 
 Negro was hauled up from the hold and he 
 did a buck and wing dance which caught the 
 fancy of the crowd, as a thousand or more of 
 us were gathered astern to listen. 
 
 Then there occurred one of the funniest 
 incidents I have ever witnessed in my life. 
 Imagine all of us assembled with nothing in 
 particular to do. We wanted entertainment 
 but there seemed to be no one to entertain. 
 
ON J TROO PS HI P 65 
 
 The singing of the soldiers was fine, if not 
 altogether harmonious, but something was 
 needed to explode the pent up passions of a 
 week of watchful waiting. 
 
 Finally some of the soldiers began to yell 
 for "Murphy," "Where's Pat?" "Come on, 
 Murphy," etc. Eventually a coal begrimed 
 soldier appeared. He was so deeply covered 
 with the dirt that many thought he was a 
 Negro. It was plain to be seen that when he 
 entered a little circle, which the soldiers 
 made for him, that he was under the influ- 
 ence of liquor. 
 
 He politely bowed, doffing his service cap, 
 at the same time lurching a little to the port 
 side. Suddenly as if by inspiration half a 
 hundred called out, "Murphy, Murphy, when 
 are we going home?" Murphy straightened 
 up and saluted his numerous interrogators, 
 and then in a voice which could be heard all 
 over the ship, replied: 
 
 "When (head bobbed) we (hie) get a fav- 
 vor-rable wind." 
 
 Nobody on the footstool but an Irishman 
 possesses such wit as that. Dear old Mur- 
 phy then bowed repeatedly to his yelling, 
 cheering admirers and to cap the climax 
 
66 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 
 
 took his identification tag from around 
 his neck and thrust it in his eye, like a mon- 
 ocle. I shall never be sorry that Murphy 
 had had too much to drink. 
 
CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 I was on deck early this morning, perhaps 
 about five o'clock. The sun was just creep- 
 ing over Gibraltar and the coast of Spain 
 seemed slipping away. It was a fact. At 
 last we were bound for New York. Within 
 the Strait one could count several ocean 
 steamers. The African coast seemed so near 
 you could almost reach out and touch it. 
 There were no clouds above the mountains 
 so that you could see an African village 
 many, many miles away. Just as we swung 
 our prow toward the Atlantic the bright 
 morning sun struck the ocean mists in front 
 of us and a rainbow flared in arched triumph 
 before us. A good omen of the sea. 
 
 I was asked to say something in behalf of 
 the two hundred soldiers who had coaled the 
 ship. 
 
 Ladies and Gentlemen: Permit me to an- 
 nounce that after a fitful week of medita- 
 tion, agitation and villification we are now 
 upon the high seas, bound for New York. 
 (Cheers.) We are not sailing today by vir- 
 
 67 
 
68 ' TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 tue of the fact that we have purchased tick- 
 ets which entitle us to passage, but we are 
 sailing because the American dough-boys 
 have put into the bunkers the coal that 
 makes the steam, that makes the wheels go 
 round. (Long and continued applause.) 
 Now I am told that many of those gallant 
 men have wives and children in the States. 
 I am also informed that the same fate awaits 
 most of the rest of the others upon our hap- 
 py return. Therefore, if you agree with me 
 that these men have done a handsome thing 
 (handsome borrowed from President Wil- 
 son) for us will you join me in making a 
 very modest contribution, to purchase each 
 of them an extra package of cigarettes. 
 (Cries of yes, yes.) Since I apprehend that 
 this request strikes a responsive chord in 
 your hearts please be kind enough to hand 
 your contributions to my esteemed friend 
 the Y. M. C. A. Secretary, that one with a 
 lean and hungry look."' (Laughter and ap- 
 plause.) 
 
 There wxre two hundred of our boys who 
 helped to coal this ship without one cent of 
 pay. In fact the company which furnished 
 the coal collects for the labor of our men. 
 They tried and did put it over on them by 
 saying that ''two more barges'' were to be 
 loaded. But before those were finished oth- 
 ers were brought up. Then the boys were 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 69 
 
 told that 80 baskets from those barges must 
 go on. When the eighty had been loaded 
 they were told that 50 more were needed to 
 trim the ship, and so on. 
 
 About two o'clock this morning they 
 passed around the word that they would put 
 on just a certain number more and then 
 "this ship will sail," with emphasis. It did. 
 And it makes one almost shudder to think 
 what would have happened if it had not. 
 
 This is what our army has been up against 
 ever since it came across. We Americans 
 do not understand foreigners and certainly 
 they do not understand us. We've simply 
 got to start in getting acquainted with the 
 world and getting the world acquainted 
 with us. In the meantime we must main- 
 tain an Army and a Navy which will protect 
 our country. We must rely upon our own 
 strength. 
 
CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 The fourteenth day dawned, with a roll 
 which is discomforting to many unfortu- 
 nates. Those who have not settled up have 
 settled down, so that the few of us who are 
 not disturbed by the rhythmic roll of the 
 cradle of the deep have the promenade deck 
 to ourselves, which is our compensation. 
 Nothing of interest happened yesterday ex- 
 cept an incident which has been much talked 
 about. This ship ought to be renamed. Call 
 it "The Ship for Scandal.'' \^ery few repu- 
 tations w^ill escape unscathed. The story 
 that is going the rounds about me. however, 
 is not so bad, but I am not proud of it. It 
 is said that I nightly don pink silk pajamas, 
 fringed at the bottom with laces and blue 
 ribbons. This is the first time in my life I 
 have ever been accused of being effeminate. 
 However, in order to make the legend seem 
 real I borrowed a pair of panties from a lady 
 on the ship and arrayed myself in them as 
 the story went. A party was conducted to 
 my cabin when I feigned sleep and there I 
 
 70 
 
TWENTY -FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 71 
 
 lay in all my lacial and ribbonly splendor. 
 Seeing is believing and the skeptics who 
 could not harmonize my daily life with pink 
 pajamas and laces now are saying that "It 
 takes all kinds of people to make a world." 
 When we left Genoa a mother of two chil- 
 dren purchased some deck chairs and placed 
 them upon a chosen quarter where they have 
 since remained. An Italian passenger made 
 up his mind yesterday, after the lady had 
 properly pre-empted the spot for thirteen 
 days, that he wanted that place for his chair 
 and he took it. The lady, filled with right- 
 eous indignation, protested much. Where- 
 upon the Italian passenger said very vehe- 
 mently that "You are not a lady." His re- 
 marks were passed around among the 
 women on board and then the tale came to 
 the men. But it had no sooner started than 
 an army captain from Oregon jumped from 
 his deck chair and sought out the heroine 
 and the villain. The latter denied having 
 made the ungentlemanly remark, but the 
 lady said he did, and some Red Cross girls, 
 who overheard him, confirmed her state- 
 ment. The Oregon Captain then bade the 
 Italian to move his chair. He did. Then 
 he asked him to make a public apology for 
 
72 TJVENTY-FOVR DAYS 
 
 liis statement to the lady. Before a large 
 crowd of interested spectators he publicly 
 apologized but not until the Oregon captain 
 had informed him he would either be landed 
 in New York on a stretcher or deposited in 
 the deep blue sea if he didn't "come across." 
 Thus the only interesting incident of the 
 Sabbath day ended peacefully with a victory 
 for the man from Oregon. It is interesting 
 to speculate upon what would have been the 
 fate of the Italian if the captain had been 
 from Mississippi. 
 
 Today all of the soldiers who coaled this 
 ship were given a special dinner as a token 
 of our esteem, in addition to cigarettes. We 
 would still be in Gibraltar if the dough-boys 
 had not finished the coaling. 
 
 One of the Red Cross girls inadvertently 
 blew her upper teeth into the ocean today 
 while suffering from a gastronomic flivver. 
 Now the young lieutenant who has been 
 keeping her company for two weeks is boast- 
 ing about how little he cared for her — that 
 it was "just to pass away the time" and is 
 making other ungallant remarks. Love is 
 inconstant especially upon a rough sea. 
 
 There is one woman on board who is 
 pretty even if she has passed forty-five or 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 73 
 
 six years. Last night when the boat began 
 to pitch she sought comfort in her own neg- 
 ligee fashion. This incident resulted in a 
 request to the Poet Laureate to write a poem 
 in commemoration of the event. Accord- 
 ingly, I wrote the following which was set 
 to music by an En^c;iish lady on board. 
 
 When Mother Shimmies in Her Shimmies. 
 
 There's a song in my heart, 
 Like the waves of the sea, 
 
 There's joy in my soul, 
 Which satisfies me, 
 
 There's a thrill in my spine, 
 Which nothing can cure, 
 
 For mother has shimmied 
 In her shimmies demure. 
 
 She pranced on the deck, 
 Of this steamer last night. 
 
 Just robed in her shimmies, 
 O, boys — 'Twas a sight. 
 
 The stars in the heavens. 
 Looked down with a frown, 
 
 To see mother so shimmied 
 In her shimmeying gown. 
 
74 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 
 
 The watch in the look-out 
 
 Had cried, "All is well" 
 He must have meant mother, 
 
 \\'hite robed as a belle, 
 The ship which was doing 
 
 Twelve knots to the hour, 
 Struck out like a racer, 
 
 Testing its power. 
 
 For the wind of the sea. 
 
 Which threatened to fail. 
 Caught up mother's shimmies 
 
 Which it used for a sail. 
 And we sped through the night 
 
 As if seeking for fame, 
 'Twas all on account 
 
 Of the shimmeying dame. 
 
 O, boys, we don't care, 
 
 If we never get home, 
 If mother will shimmy 
 
 So long as we roam. 
 
 Thus it so happens that one, who is seri- 
 ously inclined and given much to introspec- 
 tion, finds himself the center of smiling gos- 
 sip in mid-ocean, because an incident and a 
 silly ditty strikes a popular chord. 
 
CHAPTER XV. 
 
 Late yesterday afternoon one of the sol- 
 diers who has been able by some means to 
 get considerable to drink was confined to 
 the "guard house," which in this instance 
 happened to be one of the bath rooms. Very 
 much under the influence of liquor, he broke 
 one of the panes in the door and armed with 
 his glass weapon started upon a rampage. 
 He went on deck where the first-class pas- 
 sengers are located and brandishing his 
 weapon, threatened to carve up anyone who 
 came in contact with him. There was a 
 panic among the women and the oflficer of 
 the guard, who threatened to shoot him, was 
 calmly ordered to go ahead. The maniac 
 was overpowered and today languishes 
 safely in chains where he can do no harm. 
 
 Today I participated in the soldiers' 
 luncheon, served at twelve. All of us lined 
 up with our mess kits, consisting of an alu- 
 minum tin cup, and a pan with a top. In 
 the tin cup we received piping hot cofTee, 
 sweetened and tempered with canned milk. 
 
 75 
 
76 
 
 T w r /V 7" V FOUR n I y s 
 
 ill oiii |).iii ItM) \v(' f^ot a lilxi.il l.ltlOll ol 
 stcvvt'd |)iiiius, wliuli I consitlcM" a luxury 
 uvtM licif, .111(1 III (till pan proper wc wcic 
 StTNftl (Mir Ixiilcd p(il.il<», oiif pi(( (• (il I>(mU'(I 
 lu-('l, .111(1 Miiiu- j;ia\\, .ilsd .1 l>i«' liiiiik of 
 l»UM(l. I li.il w.i'. dUi iiu'.il. riu-ir w.isaiii 
 pit' lor all who ( oiild (Ml. riic sc.i was lii^li 
 and uiauN ol (lie l>o\s were sick. lu'sidcs, 
 (lie tii\ il oiiiiiciil is iiol .1 ppcl i/in|j,. Tlu" 
 cooks air (III I \ . .11 id tin- nun who nci \ cd ( he 
 sluH (o oni loiij; lint- M-ciiu-d ((» think Ihal 
 tlu'ii" liiif^iMS u t u- in.idf hn dishinj; on( l(»o(I 
 and used IIumh ari"oi"diui',l\ . 
 
 ;\ II li.id lo (Ml III the nndsl ol h.iii};in^' 
 (pi.lildS ol l.iw heel. rcih.ip', I vvas the 
 oul)' oiu- ol Ihc hiiiK h who ihon^dit ol il, hut 
 it was n(»l . I ppcl 1/ ill!;. I'nl llicsf nun arc 
 j^'oiiii', hoiiu', whuli I', iiioic lo llicni III. in 
 an\ lhiii«; i-lsc in llic wdild, .ind IIu'n will pn( 
 Up with .in\ ihiuj^. 
 
 riuMc WIS one li^ht iH^tween I wo dou^li- 
 l)i»ys dining ihf uumI which w.is a hlootly 
 allair. one (»l ihc Icllows hcin^ \eiv hadly 
 h.dtcicd in Ihc nci^Jihoi hood o\ his noSc. 
 No .itlcnipl W.IS in.idf lo pari (hem. Tiiey 
 lou^hl (Ml nnlil (Mic iMtl euou«;li and iheu 
 they shot>k liaiuls. Such i.s life on the ocean 
 w a\e. 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 77 
 
 Their sleeping quarters are not all that 
 can be desired but no one is complaining. 
 They are bunked in iron beds three deep in 
 the hold of the vesesl which in normal times 
 is used for cargo and steerage. The quar- 
 ters are damp, dark and, in stormy weather, 
 very close, as the portholes must remain 
 closed. War, three thousand miles away, 
 is no joke. 
 
 Many stories of bravery in war will be 
 told, very, very many. But I often wonder 
 if those young lads who rode those sub- 
 marine chasers will ever get their due. They 
 crossed the ocean on boats no feet long, 
 about the size of the caravels of Columbus, 
 but not nearly so bulky. Life upon them 
 is something fearful to contemplate. Some- 
 times one of the men would go forward and 
 have to remain for three or four days sepa- 
 rated from his companions, because the 
 weather was so stormy the hatches could 
 not be opened to let him back. During that 
 time he would subsist upon emergency 
 rations which had been placed in that par- 
 ticular part of the boat for just such a pur- 
 pose. Some of those boats turned turtle and 
 sank. Others went down from collisions 
 and other causes. 
 
78 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 Then there are the brave and fearless men 
 who manned the merchant marine. They 
 endured real hazards of war. They were in 
 eternal danger. War has its heroes but the 
 men of the merchant marine are the super- 
 heroes of strife. 
 
 My sympathy is with the "regular" in the 
 Army and Navy, the men who are in the 
 service through choice. When the armistice 
 was signed no one ever thought of their go- 
 ing home. It was just a natural sequence 
 of thought that they should continue to stick 
 to their posts. I have talked with many of 
 them and, so far as I am able to tell, they 
 have hearts just as big and full of love as the 
 men who volunteered. They have families 
 \vhich are dear to them and girls of their 
 dreams. Yet orders sent them to far away 
 climes or kept them where they were. For 
 one year, two years, three years yet before 
 home. What must their thoughts have 
 been when they saw emergency army and 
 navy men returning to welcomes unprece- 
 dented in modern times. Some day some 
 Kipling will tell the story of the American 
 Army and Navy regulars. It will be a story 
 of resplendent humor and infinite tears. 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 79 
 
 Some of the Italian boys on this boat, who 
 have been fighting in Italy and France, in 
 an American uniform (there were about 
 200,000 of them) many of whom speak only 
 broken English, have recently been rather 
 loud in their praise of their mother country, 
 to the detriment of the United States. 
 When they started to sing Italian patriotic 
 songs the officers put a stop to it. When the 
 real bona fide Americans found it out trouble 
 was but narrowly averted and those indis- 
 creet, as well as unpatriotic young fellows, 
 may thank their stars they didn't join Davy 
 Jones. 
 
 America certainly has a problem on her 
 hands in her polyglot of hyphenated races. 
 A very, very large majority of such young 
 men are coming back every inch Americans. 
 They love their country of adoption more 
 than ever before and we Americans who 
 have the race born and bred in us must do 
 more than we have done to elevate the stand- 
 ards of patriotic thought. T, personally, 
 think we can shut off immigration for three 
 or four years to good advantage. 
 
CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 At noon today we passed one of the 
 islands of the Azores, sailing by to the south 
 of it. We have taken the southern course, 
 so I am reliably told, in order to escape the 
 heavy v^inds which are now prevailing in 
 the north Atlantic. The island, which is the 
 only one we shall see, is in reality a moun- 
 tain, with precipitous cliffs against which 
 the water ceaselessly surges. There is no 
 harbor, so if we had paused we should have 
 had to anchor a long way out. It was first 
 rumored that we were to stop for provisions 
 for the soldiers; then we were told that we 
 would stop for fresh water. But we sailed 
 past the green valleys which one could dis- 
 cern with the aid of a glass, beyond terraced 
 hillsides, and now we are bound for New 
 York. In seven or eight days we should be 
 there. 
 
 We wonder what is happening in the old 
 world. How is Peace adjusting itself? Has 
 President Wilson returned home? What 
 are the Bolshevikis doing? How is the 
 
 80 
 
TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 81 
 
 wheat crop turning out? Who leads the 
 leagues? How is everybody? If we were 
 in the wilds of Africa we could not possibly 
 be further removed from news than we are 
 now. 
 
 There was one rumor in circulation today 
 which has a basis. It struck terror to the 
 hearts of some of the mothers with children 
 on board. There is one well developed case 
 of diphtheria and another questionable one. 
 If the scourge should break out we might be 
 quarantined in New York for a week or two. 
 O joy! 
 
 There is more strife between the Ameri- 
 can officers on board for the hands and 
 hearts of the Red Cross girls (until we reach 
 New York. The lieutenant was going along 
 swimmingly when all of a sudden the lady 
 switched to the captain. Now in this case 
 the officer of lower rank does not necessarily 
 need to follow any particular regulations, 
 and he has sworn that he is going to cut the 
 captain out, to show him that he can do it, 
 and then drop the girl. 
 
 Right at this point may I explain to the 
 reader that this is a chronicle of what is hap- 
 pening on a troop-ship, on which about 600 
 civilians and 1,200 soldiers are sailing. The 
 
82 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 things which I am recording are put down 
 as they transpire from day to day and are 
 actual happenings, not what I imagine. The 
 above statement may seem silly on land, 
 where you have access to daily newspapers, 
 where you can come and go. But remember 
 that we have been practically prisoners on 
 this boat since the 23rd day of June. It is 
 true that at Gibraltar we could get off for a 
 short time but we always had to report back 
 to ship early for fear it would sail without us. 
 This is the sixteenth day we have slept on 
 this boat and we are hardly one-third of the 
 distance across the Atlantic. So in the 
 course of events what one thinks or does be- 
 comes common gossip. The above story was 
 related to me by a woman, who said the lieu- 
 tenant told her, which I know he did. 
 
 Remember, we are in numbers as large as 
 many a small country town, about two 
 thousand people. No place to go, nothing 
 to do. I have the only library on board 
 worth mentioning and my books are doing 
 double time. But people are getting hor- 
 ribly peevish and constant rumors about 
 floating mines and the diphtheria scare, to- 
 gether with the melancholy of the ocean, the 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 83 
 
 awe of it affect all of us, or rather most all 
 of us. 
 
 So I record what I see. Music would be 
 enlivening but tonight while we were eat- 
 ing dinner some one was playing on the 
 piano and half a dozen old maids got hyster- 
 ical and they had to quit. 
 
CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 We should have landed in New York to- 
 day. Instead we are promenading the deck, 
 15 times around for one mile, hardly yet in 
 mid-ocean. There was boat drill today. One 
 long blast of the whistle and all of us sought 
 our life-boats to be used in case of emer- 
 gency. It has been rather dull but trouble 
 is brewing. There will be something doing 
 tomorrow, and of course I am mixed up in 
 it. Perhaps I'll tell you about that, too. 
 
 84 
 
CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 I have already told you that there are a 
 number of women on board who have been 
 marooned in Switzerland or Italy since the 
 outbreak of the war in 1914. They are now 
 homeward bound. One lady with a mar- 
 rigeable daughter cast out her lines for an 
 Italian on board this ship who is an officer 
 and reputed to be a wealthy man. She and 
 the very pretty girl sit at a table near the 
 center of the dining saloon with three Amer- 
 ican officers. Now these officers are splendid 
 young men who very much resent the speed 
 at which the Italian officer is traveling along 
 the route of afifections (top deck) with the 
 daughter. So they have had anything but 
 kind words to say concerning the "wops" 
 and Italian officers in particular. Being in 
 uniform, the lady assumes that what they 
 have said is "official" and she has repeated 
 it to the officer from Italy, and he, noble 
 soul, overlooks the "insults" but at the same 
 time utilizes the incident to gather in the 
 affections of the daughter (for eight days 
 yet). 
 
 85 
 
86 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 Things came to such a pass that I was 
 called in as arbitrator. I chose the title of 
 Adjudicator of Excesses and proceeded to 
 draw up a two-page armistice designating 
 in deference the American officers as "Par- 
 ties of the Offensive," and the American 
 mother as "Party of the Defensive." The 
 Parties of the Offensive signed the armis- 
 tice and I then presented it to the Party of 
 the Defensive yesterday noon with the stipu- 
 lation that it must be signed by her and re- 
 turned to me not later than seven o'clock 
 last night. In case of the madam's failure 
 to live up to the articles of agreement, the 
 armistice terms provided that she was to be 
 confined for a period not exceeding nine 
 months, under my supervision and direction. 
 
 She failed to sign and of course the war 
 is still on. So last night when it came time 
 for dinner the three officers deliberately took 
 seats in other parts of the dining room, leav- 
 ing the mother and daughter gloriously 
 alone, the cynosure of 300 gossiping people. 
 Now the story has started the rounds that 
 the American officers deeply resent the in- 
 roads which the Italian officer has made 
 upon the affections of the daughter. Or per- 
 haps there is something more. Who knows? 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 87 
 
 One of the stewards relates what he saw, 
 and his eyesight must be very good. Mother 
 and daughter, both blissfully innocent, are 
 now the nucleus of the juiciest bit of gossip 
 which eighteen days have yet produced and 
 the end is not yet in sight. It is now my 
 duty as Adjudicator to bring about peace 
 between the two warring nationalities, and 
 if possible to save the reputations of the la- 
 dies. Thus we shall have to stop at this 
 point in a very delicate matter and await de- 
 velopments. Somehow I feel I shall be equal 
 to the task. But the mills of the gods grind 
 slowly. 
 
 In the meantime I am enjoying the solace 
 of rather a peculiar reputation upon this 
 boat, aside from the pink pajamas. Take it 
 altogether, I think it is an enviable one, and 
 it has come about through tending strictly 
 to my own business. I never visit the upper 
 deck after dark. If I do I don't come down 
 wiping my lips. I never promenade except 
 alone. When I walk I affect a deep pensive 
 mood with my hands clasped behind me, and 
 every third time around I stop and gaze in 
 deep meditation at the moon. 
 
 People say, "He seems to be thoughtful," 
 and they make other remarks. I do not de- 
 
88 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 ceive for it is unnecessary. Thus when they 
 learn that long years ago I strayed from the 
 solitary path of life, into a garden where five 
 blessed children drive awa}^ dull care, the 
 old men look upon me with envy and the 
 youthful among us take courage. Thus it 
 so happens that I am called upon to guide 
 the barks of those who are just starting on 
 the perilous voyage for it is obvious that 
 long ago I passed over the rapids and am 
 now sailing in smooth waters. 
 
 So it was with genuine pleasure that upon 
 special and confidential request I wrote the 
 following poem for one who must remain 
 unknown to you, dear reader, because love 
 is something concerning which no sane man 
 will attempt to jest. Therefore, I took for 
 my theme that which is uppermost in the 
 minds of all of us. 
 
 We want to ^ti home. Hence the sub- 
 ject, "My Home." This is the poem which 
 may decide the fate of two lives. I shall let 
 you judge of its merits and I may not tell 
 you of the actual outcome of the little play 
 on this moving stage, because I probably 
 shall never know. 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 89 
 
 My Home. 
 
 When shadows fall, and over all, 
 
 The night has gathered deep, 
 When stars are heavens only light, 
 
 And half the v^orld's in sleep, 
 I close my eyes, and paradise, 
 
 Seems just beyond my view. 
 Dear Sweetheart, in this solemn hour. 
 
 My thoughts are all of you. 
 
 All tears forgot, no passion hot. 
 
 Disturbs my midnight dream, 
 Your face divinely seems to shine. 
 
 Your lovely eyes to beam. 
 With holy light. O dearest mine, 
 
 Whose love my life has blest, 
 I sweetly sink to sleep at last, 
 
 At home upon your breast. 
 
 Where ere I roam, no other home, 
 
 Shall ever hold my heart, 
 My life, my all, I give to Thee, 
 
 Together or apart. 
 In this or other worlds than this. 
 
 Where ere our souls shall be. 
 In love divine, my love is thine, 
 
 Throughout Eternity. 
 
90 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 Later: They have promised to name their 
 first boy for me. 
 
 Today the dough-boys staged a prize fight 
 but it was rather a tame aft'air. Three sets 
 of youngsters in the second class were much 
 more amusing in their pugilistic punching 
 and several coins were tossed to them after 
 the fray. 
 
 The ocean looks smooth enough but there 
 is a heavy swell and the boat pitches and 
 sways violently. The moon shines through 
 the clouds, mystically, and the beat of the 
 waves against the boat sounds like breaking 
 surf on a rock-bound coast. JMeanwhile a 
 major whose hair is tinged with gray has 
 been devoting too much attention to an Ital- 
 ian girl. Neither speak the same language 
 but there seems to be something in common 
 between them. I try never to pass judgment 
 on my fellow countrymen, or those of any 
 other land, but the old fool is a revelation 
 to me. 
 
 There are four priests on board, three or- 
 dinary well-fed crows and one great big 
 priest. They are jolly good fellows and have 
 done nothing which I have seen that reflects 
 upon the cloth. 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 91 
 
 We have our little princess, one of those 
 beautiful children which you are perfectly 
 willing to agree is just as charming as your 
 own. The other day at luncheon I suppose 
 I was staring at her in rather a rude way 
 for her little face was a vision of loveliness 
 and sweet innocence. While I sat there, en- 
 raptured, that blessed little thing came down 
 the corridor between the tables and holding 
 out her delicate wan hand extended it to me 
 for a kiss. No knight has ever been more 
 signally honored by his lady love, and to this 
 hour I do not know why she ever thus pre- 
 sented herself to me in such queenly fashion. 
 
 How wonderful Is the innocence of child- 
 hood. Truly it has been said that "A little 
 child shall lead them." My dear little Prin- 
 cess, when the scenes of today are but mem- 
 ories of time which was spent upon a long 
 journey and the comedies and tragedies of 
 slow moving hours have mingled with the 
 dust of yesterday, I shall recall, with rever- 
 ence, the gracious goodness with which you 
 smiled and came to me in simple trusting 
 faith for the homage which every knight 
 pays to his lady love. 
 
 The commandant of the boat has posted a 
 sign which indicates that one long blast of 
 
92 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 
 
 the whistle means boat drill and two long 
 blasts of the whistle means ''man over- 
 board." Nothing about the women men- 
 tioned. We could lose a dozen or two of the 
 old hens on this ship without any distress. 
 Take the one for instance with the bird cage. 
 
CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 People on board a ship live as if they were 
 under a microscope. Their goodness and 
 their badness is magnified. Their faults are 
 exaggerated and their virtues much en- 
 larged. Thus I envy that philosophy of a 
 noble woman, who is much devoted to her 
 husband, when she said, after some gossiper 
 had told her a shameless tale, "I always try 
 to see the good, not the bad. Please do not 
 tell me such things. There is some good in 
 all of us and I am sure everyone on this boat 
 has some good qualities." 
 
 Then she left for a promenade with her 
 husband and every time they rounded the 
 dark corner of the deck he kissed her, and 
 their honeymoon has been going on for ten 
 years. 
 
 There is a lady in the second class who 
 calls herself a duchess. She opened a cabin 
 of ill-fame and for a while long queues 
 waited at the threshold. But there was a 
 sudden and tragic ending which is set down 
 
 93 
 
94 TWENTY -FOUR DJYS 
 
 because it is one of the lurid and pathetic 
 incidents of this ocean trip. 
 
 The race between the captain and the Heu- 
 tenant has suddenly veered in favor of the 
 latter. It is early now to prognosticate with 
 certainty what the ultimate issue w^ll be. 
 
 There are two elderly men on board whose 
 daily life is beautiful. One of them, the 
 elder, is suffering from locomotor ataxia. He 
 must be led, fed, and cared for almost as a 
 child. So the younger, whose hair is turning 
 gray, devotes every hour of the day and 
 night to kindly ministrations. I am sure 
 that the patience which he exhibits and the 
 devotion which he shows to the afflicted one 
 has touched the hearts of all of us. The 
 greatest of these is LOVE. 
 
 This is one of those stifling hot days in 
 mid-ocean when the salt of the sea seems to 
 lodge in every pore and your whole frame 
 oozes brine. 
 
 The soldiers are lolling on the deck. Down 
 in the hold a few of them are playing an in- 
 teresting game known as stud poker. I do 
 not understand it but the money seems to 
 change hands with lightning rapidity. Now 
 and then there is a bugle call to which the 
 soldiers respond. They run around the deck 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 95 
 
 a few times, generating much sweat, but for 
 the most part these are dull, dull days. En- 
 ergy is sapped, and life feels like molasses 
 oozing out of a barrel bung hole in June. 
 
 The officers are filling out records and 
 making up pay rolls, which reminds me that 
 Uncle Sam sent many a remittance to his 
 soldiers in Italy in transparent envelopes, 
 while the rules of the Italian censorship pro- 
 vided that communications in transparent 
 envelopes should be thrown in the waste 
 basket. The complication involved in war- 
 ring three thousand miles away are multi- 
 tudinous. 
 
 A few soldiers were court-martialed to- 
 day. The officers sat as a jury of six, and 
 the charges were read. The charges were 
 mostly for being drunk and disobedient or 
 disrespectful to officers. Some of the poor 
 devils got six months or a year in Leaven- 
 worth, when we are now almost home. Just 
 six days more. I should say that liquor is 
 nine-tenths responsible. These are the trag- 
 edies which make a prohibitionist out of a 
 man. 
 
 The latest rumor is that we have food 
 enough on board to last just four days and 
 
96 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 no more. Meanwhile we wonder what is 
 being done with the Kaiser. 
 
 There was another pugiHstic seance this 
 afternoon. Two heavy-weights fought until 
 one quit after two rounds; then two fancy 
 steppers took the ring. They were mild, 
 after which two men of color pranced about 
 a bit, very politely tapping each other now 
 and then, while the ocean is like a pond as 
 we sail. 
 
 We have the ''Daily WaiF' with us. It 
 is an ingenious little travesty which is done 
 by a well known correspondent of a Chicago 
 paper, under the direction of a brown-eyed 
 pretty English girl who is his charming and 
 devoted wife. The printing establishment 
 consists of a well known make of transport- 
 able typewriter, and the "Daily Wail" fre- 
 quently comprises three pages of "news." 
 
 And I must not forget to mention after- 
 noon tea at three. Luncheon is at twelve. 
 Thus we eat and drink and live and laugh 
 on board the Pesaro bound for New York 
 on a troop-ship. We are averaging a little 
 over three hundred miles per day. By the 
 grace of courage and coal we will soon ar- 
 rive. 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 97 
 
 Late this afternoon the captain had the 
 inside track again. He plays the piano well 
 and he serenaded his lady who assisted him 
 with a mandolin. 
 
 The battle between the American officers 
 and the lady and daughter, with the Italian 
 officer in reserve, still rages silently. Seated 
 at the same table breaking identical bread, 
 choking upon similar fish bones, and swal- 
 lowing twin prune seeds, both have en- 
 trenched. Verily, it is not yet time for me 
 to act. 
 
 Over against the horizon, across the 
 smooth deep sea, a sailing vessel is bound 
 toward the rising sun. Now and then a piece 
 of dull brown seaweed floats by. The ocean 
 is as blue as the language of a coxswain who 
 has skinned his shins upon an achor chain. 
 
CHAPTER XX. 
 
 This is Sunday, the third one aboard the 
 Pesaro. High mass was celebrated this 
 morning at 8 o'clock in the smoking room. 
 At 10 o'clock church services were held in 
 the music room. At 12 o'clock we dined. 
 They are shortening up on our rations. 
 There must be some truth in the report that 
 food is getting low. This evening I lectured 
 to a chosen few, selecting my own audience, 
 and then locking the door of the dining 
 saloon. They had to sit through it. Would 
 you? For this is what I said, after asking 
 my audience to disregard the fact that I was 
 not speaking to them. For the audience of 
 my mind and my heart was one somewhere 
 in the States. Together we laughed and we 
 wept and felt better. 
 
 Over Seas in a Sack Suit. 
 
 "When the mailed fist of war had been 
 shackled by the signing of the armistice; 
 when the last gun in Flanders field had thun- 
 dered its final diapason; when legions of 
 
 98 
 
TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 99 
 
 heroic soldiers saw the final chapter of car- 
 nage closed on the Western front, then the 
 human race was to witness the homeward 
 marching of more potential heroes than his- 
 torians had numbered, from the prehistoric 
 dawn, to that fateful November eleventh 
 hour. 
 
 "Some of them you have seen survivors of 
 terrific battles in the air, on land and sea; 
 de-limbed, maimed and blind, every one 
 worthy of noblest tribute and undying fame. 
 
 "And across the vision of our dreams of 
 Victory, there flashes for a moment, the 
 spectre of hosts of heroes, who fell in the 
 midnight of battle, the end of a Great Ad- 
 venture, whose solemn requiem shall stir a 
 fever in the blood, so long as man loves lib- 
 erty and right! 
 
 "But there are millions of us who never 
 reached the firing line; who never expected 
 to see the battle front; we were doomed to 
 the sack suit of civilian life; thus must I 
 speak to you, neither as a soldier, sailor nor 
 marine, just a private in the ranks of a thing 
 called commerce, a voyager on several seas, 
 a writer devoid of decorations, a speaker 
 without the prestige of fame. 
 
100 TW ENTY-FOU R DAYS 
 
 "Hence, without further digression, I shall 
 throw a few pictures upon the screen of your 
 imaginations; I shall take you into the high- 
 ways and by-ways of foreign commerce and 
 trade, of international politics and diplom- 
 acy, of readjustment and reconstruction. We 
 shall see devastation and chaos upon this 
 journey, where thousands died and millions 
 fought. 
 
 "Let us engage our trans-Atlantic passage 
 upon a comfortable ocean steamer, utilized 
 upon its return trip, largely for the trans- 
 portation of American troops. It is a boat 
 broad of beam which slightly rolls and rocks 
 to the rhythmic swell of the cradle of the 
 deep. There shall be no stories of physical 
 qualms, for so far as I know there are none 
 which it would be edifying to repeat. 
 
 "As for myself (if you will pardon) I have 
 sailed on seven seas when mighty tempests 
 have tossed the ship as a toy on their bo- 
 soms, and in dead calms when one could 
 scarcely feel the steamer's quiver, and 
 neither in tempest nor calm have I ever ex- 
 perienced one gastronomic flivver. 
 
 "Somehow when the pall of night falls up- 
 on the silent ocean, when the stars are but 
 feeble twinkling lights which link us to the 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 101 
 
 sunshine of day-dreams and laughter and 
 love, then surely the thoughtful must pon- 
 der in heathen awe over the majesty of 
 nature. But w^hen the waves roll high, and 
 break in cloud crests of whitened foam over 
 the decks of the vessel, when storms rage 
 and fitful gusts of rain and sleet, blind the 
 bold sailors, when the prow leaps high and 
 the stern plunges low, then the elemental in 
 man asserts itself, and the ocean is dared to 
 do its worst! 
 
 "So it seems to me that when the world 
 was shaken by the storms of war, and men 
 and Nations were instinctively drawn to- 
 gether for mutual preservation, that the he- 
 roic most vigorously asserted itself. 
 
 "It was only when the storm was over, 
 when the tension relaxed that the true test 
 of the principles of democracy confronted 
 human kind. 
 
 "It is of the calm of which I would speak, 
 the ominous stillness which followed the 
 signing of the armistice! 
 
 "Let us disembark in Liverpool, drenched 
 in rain, shivering with cold, and embalmed 
 in a cheesy fog. 
 
 "The principal port of England, during 
 war-time (and by war-time I mean that pe- 
 
102 TfVENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 riod following the armistice) is a military 
 center where alien civilians are quizzed, 
 labeled, stamped, measured, marked, photo- 
 graphed, thumb-printed to the utmost satis- 
 faction of Scotland Yards, no matter how 
 reticent one may be, or how legitimate the 
 purpose of the journey. There are no fixed 
 fees for the police procedure, but gratuities 
 are accepted with thanks, and they ease the 
 way which would otherwise be spent in 
 queues of hysterical women, crying children, 
 wounded soldiers, perspiring Chinamen, and 
 a polyglot of all the races that fate and for- 
 tune have cast into the British Isles. There 
 is no particular mystery about civilians trav- 
 eling in war-time, providing your papers are 
 authentic, and your credit is as good as gold. 
 But there is difficulty in explaining to the 
 principals you represent, that you have not 
 bought the Bank of England, attempted the 
 reconstruction of Belgium or purchased a 
 harem in the land of Turkestan. 
 
 "Not far from Liverpool one may visit 
 where Roman legions camped two thousand 
 years ago, leaving for posterity, antique rel- 
 ics of their abode. In fact, you do not travel 
 in the British Isles or Europe very long, be- 
 fore you learn that the Revolutionary war is 
 
ON A TROO PS HIP 103 
 
 recent enough to warrant special editions of 
 our daily newspapers, recounting the suc- 
 cessful ride of Paul Revere, or the surrender 
 of Cornwallis at Yorktown. 
 
 ''Buildings which do not date back to the 
 fifteenth century, tombstones epitaphing the 
 lives of those within three hundred years, 
 and businesses established after 1700 hardly 
 attract your attention, when you can frater- 
 nize with knights and crusaders now resting 
 upon their laurels in the ancient tombs and 
 churches. 
 
 "Liverpool immediately reminded me of 
 something I had read somewhere about a 
 Revolutionary soldier, who upon being asked 
 why he had fought for independence, re- 
 plied, "I was cut out of my sweetheart by a 
 red coat gallant; a marine officer with Lord 
 Dunmore." 
 
 ''The war which was fought upon the 
 Western front at times could hardly have 
 been more engaging than the one which the 
 Yanks, who were encamped at Liverpool, 
 were waging for the hands and hearts of 
 Briton's maids, based upon the Patrick 
 Henry principle of "Give me liberty or give 
 me death" with those pretty English girls. 
 
104 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 "We like to believe, indeed we devoutedly 
 hope, that those nations which brigaded 
 their men on the western battle front, until 
 they had driven the enemy beyond the Rhine, 
 have been welded into close political ties 
 which time shall never sever, 
 
 "But the soldiers of the French, the British 
 and the American armies, from buck private 
 to commissioned officer, were not on friendly 
 terms, even before their work was done. Not 
 only was there much secret and expressed 
 antipathy but there were frequent and deadly 
 feuds. The feeling was not sporadic but 
 rather universal in its scope. 
 
 "The condition, accelerated by the armis- 
 tice, was one of the most regrettable reper- 
 cussions of the war, 
 
 "The remedy which will heal the wounds 
 of the nations, and which will restore and 
 firmly establish enduring friendship lies deep 
 in the hearts of the plain people of our coun- 
 try and theirs. 
 
 "It is unthinkable that England or France 
 should ever engage in war with America, 
 but the wars of the future will be demanded 
 by public opinion; people will precipitate 
 them, not Monarchs, and no man living or 
 
ON A TROO P SHIP 105 
 
 dead has ever correctly forecast what public 
 opinion will do. 
 
 "We MUST know each other better; we 
 must trust each other more, and then with 
 eternal vigilance, which is the price of Peace, 
 we must do our bit to elevate the standards 
 of common thought. 
 
 'T speak to you with hope, tempered by the 
 memory of the awful waste which I have 
 witnessed, that civilization has shed its last 
 drop of blood in fitful strife. I say I speak 
 to you with hope, but not with conviction. 
 
 "One cannot travel as I have traveled, liv- 
 ing for weeks and months among foreign 
 peoples, differing in language, religion, man- 
 ners, customs, philosophy and economic sys- 
 tems without sensing the innate antagonism 
 of races, and inevitably concluding that our 
 own security for the future lies in our ability 
 to defend our own borders and repose in our 
 own strength. 
 
 "But to this I would hastily add, that now 
 we must accept the burdens which the re- 
 sponsibilities of war have thrust upon us, in 
 helping to maintain the Peace of the world, 
 or fifty thousand American soldiers, sleeping 
 on Flanders' field have fought and died in 
 vain. 
 
106 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 ''1 would change now rather abruptly, the 
 flickering film of my journey, and visit Scot- 
 land. Not the country that we know in song 
 and story, but the modern Scotland of today. 
 
 "The thrift and industry of her native deni- 
 zens have made the lowlands what I believe 
 to be the most wonderfully beautiful agri- 
 cultural country in the world. Her rock- 
 ribbed hills are adorned with heather; miles 
 upon miles of stone fences following the sin- 
 uous windings of excellent roads are resplen- 
 dent with green moss and ivy; her valleys 
 are verdant twelve months in the year. Her 
 Lochs sparkle as diadems and her rivers are 
 like silver ribbons reaching out to the sea. 
 
 'T see a Scottish soldier just home from 
 France, a picture vivified by a bonnie wee 
 lassie who loved him so well. In bedraggled 
 khaki and kilts, with a helmet flung over his 
 shoulder, and a knapsack swung at his side, 
 he comes back to his cottage home on the 
 hill-top. 
 
 "The exquisite delight of standing once 
 more upon his own door-step, the quiet pen- 
 sive home, contrasting so strangely now 
 with the trenches in which he had lived so 
 long, the silence of the hills, the call of the 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 107 
 
 birds across the moor, the loneliness of the 
 place, enshroud him. 
 
 "He stepped to the door quietly, stopped 
 upon the threshold and knocked; there was 
 a clatter of tea things, then a pause. A little 
 maid with auburn hair screamed in ecstasy, 
 "It's me daddy." 
 
 And then the door was closed upon a scene 
 which in tenderness is only surpassed by the 
 memory of the daddy who never came home. 
 
 "London is very much the mother of many 
 of us. For Americans of English stock, cer- 
 tainly it is the most wonderful city in the 
 world. All that we are and perhaps all that 
 we ever shall be are recorded in London- 
 town. Our literature, language, laws, cus- 
 toms, architecture and religion run back- 
 ward to her crooked streets and gabled 
 houses. Today one may dine in London, 
 where generations of genius have been wont 
 to sit and sip. The old and the new are 
 merged in London as the waters from a 
 thousand hillsides mingle in the busy 
 Thames. 
 
 "But of old London I would not tell. It is 
 the city as I found it, upon the ending of the 
 war that I want you to see. Three months 
 after the signing of the armistice, London 
 
108 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 was submerged in grief. Her gaiety was 
 superficial, her happiness was but a veneer. 
 
 "The toll of war had been too terrible, the 
 sorrow of war had cut too deep, the burdens 
 of war had been too heavy, the reactions 
 from war had been too distant for immediate 
 reconstruction to begin. 
 
 "Mistake not. There was reconstruction 
 as well as readjustment in the economic or- 
 der of things to be done. 
 
 "The London business man spoke with a 
 suppressed and wavering confidence of the 
 future; with trepidation of the immediate 
 present, and with infinite grief, of the sorrow 
 which had darkened millions of homes. 
 
 "If it had been my first contact with Eng- 
 lish business men I surely should have been 
 misled, for tenacity of purpose and sweep 
 of commercial vision were obscured by the 
 pessimism of the hour. But my intuitive 
 judgment was better than my immediate 
 perspective, for I felt then and I wrote that 
 my confidence in the ability of the English- 
 man to find himself and come back was not 
 shaken. Six months of time have vindicated 
 that view. Today you will find them wher- 
 ever the sun shines, following old lanes of 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 109 
 
 travel, or blazing new tracks of commerce 
 and trade. 
 
 "America might have led the v^^orld in in- 
 ternational finance and business, for the for- 
 tunes of war thrust opportunity into our 
 path. We have done well, but England, in 
 spite of her war burdens, has done infinitely 
 better. 
 
 "London has witnessed the transfer of 
 huge reserves of gold to our coffers, but in 
 my humble opinion she has not sacrificed for 
 any length of time her international finan- 
 cial leadership. Today she borrows im- 
 mense sums of money from us but she is 
 loaning to customers who might have been 
 ours. We are an infant in the cradle of inter- 
 national finance, not on account of deficient 
 ability, but because our economics are polit- 
 ically robed in swaddling cloths. 
 
 "England builds statues to her business 
 men. We dedicate them to those who cir- 
 cumscribe our personal liberty in the name 
 of reform. If you have shed tears for poor 
 old England, prepare to dry them now. 
 When you round up the figures of interna- 
 tional finance in a decade, I will venture the 
 prediction you will find that England has 
 
no TWENTY -FOUR DAYS 
 
 corraled the numerals, and we like innocent 
 snipe hunters, will be holding the sack. 
 
 ''But we must hasten over to France, 
 crossing the channel quickly from South- 
 ampton to La Havre, trusting as we sail, that 
 whatsoever the future may hold for us, we 
 will call it good if out of the mighty issues of 
 war England and America emerge with no 
 barrier between them but the sea. 
 
 "To reach France was the acme of my am- 
 bition. There was something romantic it 
 seemed to me about setting foot on French 
 soil. Somewhere along the lines with the 
 Army of Occupation, I knew I should find 
 my brothers. To meet them and to greet 
 them after the stress of many battles, was 
 a joy which knew no bounds. But the mili- 
 tary officials who quizzed me at the port, 
 and the initial reception which I received, 
 jarred the romance out of my system and 
 brought me precipitately to earth. 
 
 ''The experience was to be duplicated 
 many times before my return, for the civilian 
 traveling abroad in war-time is an object of 
 suspicion, guilty, until he proves himself 
 innocent, a trespasser upon forbidden soil. 
 At first I felt in a sack suit much like an 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 111 
 
 escaped convict, parading the streets in my 
 stripes. 
 
 ''I paid full fare on the railroads, phis many 
 a liberal fee for the privilege of riding; in 
 restaurants reserved for soldiers I w^as al- 
 w^ays turned out; in the shops I received no 
 ten per cent discount, and in many of the 
 public buildings only men in uniform were 
 allowed. They did not recognize me in any 
 of the commissary departments; they did not 
 take me on "Triangle" and sight-seeing 
 tours, and from the mademoiselles and sen- 
 oritas I never even received so much as a 
 pleasant look. 
 
 "In the midst of my tribulations I met a 
 dough-boy, who thought he recognized me 
 by the style of the spectacles which I wore. 
 "Say, ain't you from God's country?" and 
 when I answered "Yes," he impulsively in- 
 vited me to "put her there." 
 
 "You're the first Yank I've seen in civvies 
 since I landed in this damned mudhole, 
 and believe me, pal, you sure look good. 
 What are you doing over here?" 
 
 "When I had assured him that I was just 
 an humble citizen of his own country travel- 
 ing abroad to ascertain a few facts about the 
 supplies of chow, he greeted me as a long 
 
112 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 lost bunkie, and he never once accused me 
 of winning the war. 
 
 "At another time I stood watching thou- 
 sands of men and women parading the 
 streets of Paris on the first of May. Red 
 flowers and red insignias were most con- 
 spicuous, while now and then a red flag was 
 hoisted in the rain. But Clemenceau had 
 caused regiments of infantry and cavalry to 
 be stationed at strategic places and the 
 hordes were not allowed to halt. 
 
 "An American army colonel from Ala- 
 bama had been watching the strange proces- 
 sion, wondering as I was, what it was all 
 about. Side by side, we fell into conversa- 
 tion, just as the mob tried to break through a 
 cordon of soldiers, who swept them back. He 
 tactfully insisted upon talking to me at some 
 length for he said that I was the first private 
 citizen of his own country whom he had seen 
 dressed in civilian garb since he landed in 
 France. 
 
 "After many similar experiences, which 
 were often repeated, my rank and station 
 ceased to bother me. I was often envied by 
 the boys in khaki, and as for the military 
 police, I could tell them without fear of rec- 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 113 
 
 ompense, just where the soldiers thought 
 they ought to go. 
 
 "Depression and pessimism which was so 
 apparent in England, I had expected to find 
 duplicated and augmented in France. Imag- 
 ine my surprise and wonderment when ex- 
 actly the reverse seemed to be true. Paris 
 in conformity with its reputation was bril- 
 liantly gay. 
 
 "The theatres were crowded, the cafes 
 were bulging with people, a universal hol- 
 iday seemed to be on. The high cost of 
 living apparently had no terrors for the 
 Parisians for most of the business men had 
 profited financially from the war. They had 
 not only profited, but in some few instances 
 they had profiteered. 
 
 "At no time during the war Avas it impos- 
 sible to secure every known luxury in ed- 
 ibles in Paris, providing one was prepared 
 to pay the price. This was never true in 
 England, where the rich and the poor suf- 
 fered privations alike. 
 
 "The price which was fixed for bread, dur- 
 ing the early stages of the war stimulated 
 instead of reduced consumption. But I do 
 not feel that we should regret having made 
 any sacrifices in order that France might 
 
114 TW EN TY-FOU R DAYS 
 
 have her daily bread, for a breadless France 
 would have engendered unrest and rioting 
 which might have defeated for a time, the 
 ultimate issue of the war. 
 
 "But there was something in the atmos- 
 phere of Paris that could not be seen, an in- 
 tangible undefinable spirit, which was all but 
 submerged by the frivolous gaiety of the 
 city itself. I am not just sure of the name, 
 but it was certainly that mighty force which 
 took hold of the hearts of the genuine 
 French society, representing the true soul 
 of France, and in the face of death and dis- 
 aster such as no nation has ever braved, re- 
 mained stoically calm, until the genius of 
 her great Marshal wrested Victory from de- 
 feat, and set the tri-color in the sun along 
 the Rhine. The mothers of France cannot 
 forget the past ! The womanhood of France, 
 the war's greatest miracle! 
 
 "It was my privilege to travel extensively 
 through the devastated regions. Here is 
 where language fails. 
 
 "Who can hope to portray the impressions 
 received from passing through a country 
 where every foot had felt the impress of 
 some engine of war? 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 115 
 
 "Acres and acres, for miles and miles once 
 promising with harvests, teeming with 
 homes, and enlivened by a happy peasant 
 people had been churned by exploding 
 shells, littered with every accoutrement of 
 war, where but to touch a camouflaged hel- 
 met, an innocent looking wire, or an unex- 
 ploded shell was to flirt with death. 
 
 "One might wander among such scenes 
 for hours, until the emotions had been stifled 
 by the holocaust, until the senses had been 
 dulled by the sight of ruined homes, dese- 
 crated churches, demolished oflice buildings, 
 not even the faintest vestige of a street re- 
 maining to identify what was once a thriv- 
 ing town. 
 
 "The mind cannot grasp, the eye cannot 
 see, the tongue cannot tell of the pitiless 
 and tragic ruin in France and Belgium, but 
 one may gather here and there a story which 
 lights the darkness and death of war, a tale 
 which embellishes a description or an anec- 
 dote which relieves the tension of twitching 
 nerves. 
 
 "I do not know what value the unbiased 
 historian of the war will ascribe to the ac- 
 tivities of the American army in France. 
 Nor am I interested. I shall write my own 
 
116 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 history, and I am ready to write it now, not 
 tomorrow, but today as I speak. 
 
 "I can see a powerful nation standing sol- 
 idly behind its President. "Force, force to 
 the utmost" was the slogan in every Ameri- 
 can heart which sent a steady stream of men 
 across the sea. I can see those men reaching 
 England and France by the thousand, often- 
 times under conditions which reflected any- 
 thing but credit upon those who transported 
 them. Men who for the most part embraced 
 the opportunity to go over there, because it 
 was enough that their country had called 
 them to go. I can see them as they marched 
 in the dead of night, over the cobblestones 
 of darkened cities on the Isles and the Con- 
 tinent. I can see the expressions upon their 
 faces, as they were told, thousands of them 
 that the war was all but lost, and that their 
 coming had only prolonged the conflict. 
 
 You know the truth! 
 
 "In all the annals of modern warfare what 
 could be nobler than the achievements of 
 the dough-boys, and the 8,000 marines, who 
 met the picked guards of the Prussian army, 
 the very flower of Kaiserdom, the best that 
 militarism had to offer, hurling them back 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 117 
 
 with indomitable courage, which never knew 
 defeat. 
 
 "Strolling along the Champs de Elysee one 
 day I noticed an American soldier sitting 
 upon one of the iron benches. I stopped to 
 chat with him, for I was interested in the 
 company which he was entertaining. I 
 asked him how long a leave he had in Paris 
 and he told me 48 hours. Then I suggested 
 that I should think he would be about see- 
 ing the "sights." 
 
 Listen to him! 
 
 "No, sir, this here little kid is the first one 
 I've had a chance to hug since I left Des 
 Moines and I'm damned if I can let him go." 
 Whereupon he grabbed the ragged urchin 
 and fondled it as tenderly as any mother 
 could. 
 
 "That's the spirit of the American dough- 
 boy which the world cannot understand. 
 He's a devil in the front line trenches, when 
 he knows his country expects him to fight, 
 but when the fighting is over and the job is 
 done, he's ready to quit and go home. 
 
 "It is not for me to say with what valor the 
 colored soldiers accepted the issues of battle. 
 One hears both good and ill reports. But 
 what could be more characteristically hu- 
 
118 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 morous than the story of a southern soldier 
 who was some sort of an aide where our big 
 naval guns were set up and used on the 
 western front. 
 
 "It seems that those powerful cannon were 
 made ready for a salvo. The guns were 
 fixed. The range was determined. The 
 shells were placed. An American admiral 
 fired the first shot. The report was so ter- 
 rific, the concussion was so great that the 
 darky who lingered too close to the cannon 
 was toppled over. Finally he got up, some- 
 what stunned, rolled his white eyeballs, 
 smiled an expansive grin, and looking east- 
 ward across the Rhine as if he could see 
 every German division exclaimed, "Mista 
 Kaisah, count yo're army now." 
 
 "Stories of comedy and tragedy will be 
 told us of the front, in ever increasing num- 
 bers as the years roll by, but the stories if 
 they be true ones will enshrine the exploits 
 of the American dough-boy in the loftiest 
 niche of fame. 
 
 "England, France, Belgium, Holland, 
 Italy, Spain and Northern Africa are the 
 countries in which I have recently traveled. 
 In all save the neutrals similar scenes were 
 being enacted. 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 119 
 
 "Soldiers were trooping back. Holidays 
 were declared. Marching legions were ac- 
 claimed by hundreds of thousands welcom- 
 ing the victors home. 
 
 "During months of agonizing warfare the 
 soldier had longed for the armistice. He 
 had dreamed of a Peace which should end 
 all battle. For him there was but one de- 
 sirable haven, and that haven was home. 
 
 "He returned, and then came the awaken- 
 ing. Instead of peace and plenty he found 
 economic demoralization, attended some- 
 times by riots which were almost revolu- 
 tions. 
 
 "Problems of food, finance, ocean-trans- 
 portation, international trade, embargoes, 
 tariff-walls were all mixed up in an economic 
 hodge-podge. Add to these problems the 
 unrest of labor and the high price of food 
 and you have many of the elements of an- 
 archy, which is the condition of Europe at 
 this very hour. 
 
 "I tried to look beyond the reaction of the 
 moment into the immediate future to see 
 Europe once more pursuing peaceful and 
 profitable vocations, with finance reorgan- 
 ized, production restored and trade in full 
 swing. But the pendulum of peaceful pro- 
 
120 TfV EN TY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 duction surely has swung far back of a nor- 
 mal mean, while labor unrest is too preva- 
 lent and pronounced to warrant even a sem- 
 blance of optimism. I can only see depres- 
 sion in Europe for many weary months to 
 come. 
 
 "The situation is the more serious because 
 of the universal high price of food. Not that 
 there is any world scarcity, for with the 
 crops which are now being harvested, and 
 the supplies already in hand, there is food 
 enough and to spare, with the one exception 
 of meat. 
 
 "America has deemed it expedient to con- 
 tinue its official control of breadstuffs, 
 rather than to eitect a direct settlement with 
 the producer on the basis of the guarantee. 
 And while from the first I have been a con- 
 sistent devotee of de-control, yet certainly 
 I have no disposition now, to criticise in the 
 remotest degree, the policies which our Gov- 
 ernment proposes to pursue. But I want 
 you to know that continued Government 
 control of wheat distribution, renders it im- 
 possible for private firms and individuals in 
 foreign countries to enter into competition 
 with us, or to successfully buy from us, so 
 that bv our continued control we have 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 121 
 
 forced the allied and neutral countries to 
 retain their official bureaus, thereby incur- 
 ring the enmity of international business and 
 retarding readjustment the world around. 
 
 ''Prices will remain high but they must not 
 be artificially held at pre-war levels. Sup- 
 plies of wheat are much more than adequate 
 to meet every demand. European require- 
 ments will be less this year than the highest 
 figure of pre-war times. I repeat, the de- 
 mand for wheat will be less in Europe this 
 year than the highest figure of pre-war 
 times. 
 
 "The welcome which w^as extended to the 
 American soldiers when they first landed on 
 the continent is one of the most emotional 
 incidents of the war. The universal feeling 
 of joy w^as expressively stated to me by an 
 Italian friend of mine whose English was 
 often times picturesque. 
 
 "Ah, when de Americanos came we were 
 mucha happy. We mak'a da beautiful 
 face." 
 
 "We did light up the face of Europe, but 
 the fortunes of diplomacy have all but ex- 
 tinguished the light. I shall not criticise 
 our diplomats. It is not for me to say, just 
 now, whether their work w^as nobly done. 
 
122 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 I do know that when I left Europe three 
 weeks ago I did not feel that I was leaving 
 any friendly government or press behind. 
 Surely that is a condition which we cannot 
 afford to aggravate by an unwise commer- 
 cial poHcy involving the bread of man. We 
 might endanger civilization and we might 
 make the world unsafe for Democracy. 
 
 "Let us now in a moment of diversion con- 
 sider the concluding features of what I have 
 to say. I am deeply sensible of the fact that 
 you have listened to me with generous cour- 
 tesy, but I also realize that my time is far 
 spent. 
 
 "I chose to introduce my preliminary re- 
 marks with a simile of the cinema, because 
 I am often asked why I do not use motion 
 pictures to illustrate the subjects which I 
 discuss. Without prejudice against the mo- 
 tion picture industry, which is the greatest 
 educational force enlightening the masses in 
 this age ,no pictures of which I can conceive 
 could carry to you in one hour the inspira- 
 tion which I would impart. 
 
 "If I have but feebly tapped the fountain 
 of your thoughts then what you think will 
 go further in vaster and more potent ramifl- 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 123 
 
 cations than anything the eye could be 
 shown. 
 
 "A good speech, like a Rembrandt picture 
 scintillates with delicate lights and shades. 
 But it takes intelligent people to appreciate 
 them. I wonder if you follow me. 
 
 "We have seen something of England, 
 Scotland and France. I have shown you a 
 procession of people passing from war to 
 peace, with just a touch of pathos, a glimmer 
 of humor and desolate chaos which is the 
 tragedy of war. We have seen the pendu- 
 lum of progress swing backward on its axis, 
 passing in its diverting sweep, a host of eco- 
 nomic problems which involve the lives of 
 nations and the destinies of races. 
 
 *'But there are other countries where I 
 have recently traveled which would interest 
 you. 
 
 Belgium, emerging from enemy occupa- 
 tion, ready to trade tomorrow with former 
 foe or friend. 
 
 "Holland, the neutral nation, which con- 
 stantly incurred the enmity of first one 
 power and then the other, meanwhile bliss- 
 fully starving to death, neath the folds of 
 peace. 
 
124 TW EN TY-FOU R DAYS 
 
 "Spain, war's greatest profiteer, with the 
 exception of Sweden. 
 
 ''Italy, minus macaroni, feeding her soul 
 upon scenery, and devoutly praying that 
 a million tourists with a billion dollars will 
 soon be searching in her ruins for relics of 
 Caesar, while it rains sphagetti every Satur- 
 day night. 
 
 "Do you know that in Italy, when the Aus- 
 trians were making their fiercest drive along 
 the Piave, that the horticulturists, attracted 
 by the shiny copper wire which the British 
 had strung to connect their bases with the 
 front, continually cut long sections of that 
 wire from the poles, not because of any de- 
 sire to assist the enemy, but in order that 
 their grapes might be properly arbored from 
 tree to tree"? 
 
 "Do you know that in one little town of 
 two thousand people, which was all but de- 
 molished by shell fire that the Red Cross 
 sent a hurry-up call to Rome for clothing for 
 the women and children, and that in due 
 time first 36 cases, arrived, each one contain- 
 ing dozens of pairs of drawers which Italian 
 women never wear? 
 
 "Do you know that fifty car-loads of Red 
 Cross material of all kinds lay on the side 
 
ON A T RO O P SHIP 125 
 
 tracks at Rome, and when it was finall}^ dis- 
 posed of they used expensive cotton band- 
 ages for shining shoes and they used the lint 
 so painfully prepared by our good women as 
 a substitute for cotton waste to wipe rail- 
 road cars and other things? 
 
 "Do you know that car-load after car-load 
 of pajamas were sent into Italy when it is 
 positively against the principles of the Ital- 
 ian laborer to robe himself at night in any- 
 thing which would afford security to the 
 twin brother of the cootie? 
 
 "Do you know that I could stand here for 
 an hour and talk to you about nothing else 
 but the lamentable waste of war? 
 
 "However, I landed you at Liverpool and 
 now I must bring you back. My emotions 
 upon returning to our own country are prob- 
 ably very much like those of any other trav- 
 eler who wanders far into foreign lands and 
 then comes home. 
 
 "I have never been enraptured by a sight of 
 the statue of Liberty, nor does the sky line 
 of commercial peaks jutting New York har- 
 bor appeal very vigorously to me. M}^ mind 
 sweeps on to the prairies, over vast expanses 
 of fertile fields. Out West, here where the 
 
126 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 pioneers discarded Colonial clothes and put 
 on the homespun of Americanism. 
 
 ''Somehow I can't help believing that the 
 spirit of Liberty, which grew to maturity 
 here in our midst, is what clashed with au- 
 tocracy on the battlefields of Europe and 
 sent it tottering to its eternal fall, and that 
 from its ashes there will spring a Parliament 
 of Man, call it what you will, which shall 
 guarantee security to law abiding nations 
 and to every honest man the inalienable 
 right of a fair fighting chance. 
 
 "We shall never be able to escape in this 
 country, the reflex of the unrest which pre- 
 vails abroad. For unnumbered years Eu- 
 rope has been preparing its soil for just such 
 seeds of discord as are now being sown. But 
 in the United States of America there is not 
 one square foot of dirt on which Bolshevism 
 can thrive for any length of time. It will 
 be sown in our midst but it will fall among 
 the tares. 
 
 "Americanism, distinct and separate from 
 any other nationality, purged of its hyphens 
 and babel of tongues, is a symbol of law and 
 order. 
 
 "It is a composite of the Yankee dough- 
 boy, stalwart, erect, noble and brave, as 
 
ON A TROO P SHIP 127 
 
 ready for tasks of peace as he was ready for 
 the rigors of war. 
 
 "And out of the Valley of the Shadow I 
 see an old soldier, beneath the folds of a tat- 
 tered flag, standing rigidly at salute." 
 
 There is a good man and true on board 
 whose wife is in the cabin just opposite me. 
 To be exact the immediate space separating 
 the curtain which hangs these hot nights 
 over my door, and the curtain which hangs 
 in front of her door is two and one-half feet. 
 There are three other women in her cabin. 
 All are just the sort of people by whom one 
 wishes to be well thought of. Probably it 
 is unnecessary for me to say that they are 
 religious workers. THe husband frequently 
 joins the four women for devotions. Please 
 bear in mind that I am not writing for the 
 purpose of ridicule. I am labeling this para- 
 graph "serious." 
 
 It might have been a mere coincidence 
 that the man drifted into my cabin one eve- 
 ning before I took on a navy lieutenant at 
 Gibraltar. We discussed at some length 
 various phases and repercussions of the war, 
 drifting inevitably toward the moral side of 
 it. Finally he said to me, "Don't you believe 
 
128 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 that what the world needs is rehgion?" It 
 was a serious question, seriously propounded 
 and warranted a serious answer. 
 
 I parried his question with this one, "And 
 what do you mean by religion t" 
 
 Then he told me a very beautiful story 
 of the transformation of his own life; how 
 he had traveled paths which troubled his 
 conscience, but finally, after contemplating 
 suicide, he was saved by conversion or re- 
 birth, at a Salvation Army meeting. 
 
 From that time on he had led an entirely 
 different life. The change or conversion was 
 brought about by a Power entirely distinct 
 and separate from his life so he thought and 
 that change was what he meant by religion. 
 
 It was then my time to answer and I said 
 something like this: 
 
 "Since you have given me your definition 
 of religion, much as I would like to answer 
 you "yes," yet in obedience to the dictates 
 of my own conscience I must say emphati- 
 cally "No." 
 
 He was deeply offended but partially con- 
 cealed it and asked me what I meant. And 
 then I told him something like this: 
 
 "Religion has wrought a great transfor- 
 mation in your life. It has in truth saved 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 129 
 
 you and has given you happiness which you 
 never knew^ before, but, my dear fellow, do 
 you not see that your experience was just 
 what you needed for your particular kind 
 of sickness. Therefore, like thousands of 
 good men you conclude out of the fruits of 
 your own experience that what the world 
 needs is your cure. My conclusion is that 
 those who are sick just as you were, need 
 your cure and no others. I should be very 
 miserable indeed if fate should pull me 
 through your process. Your soul needs one 
 kind of fertilizer, mine another. Therefore, 
 let us both so live that others may feel that 
 it has been good to know us, but let us re- 
 member that after all is said and done, re- 
 ligion is a matter of individual conscience. 
 I am very, very happy in the knowledge of 
 love and respect of my family and friends. 
 My religion satisfies me." 
 
 Then the good man began to thunder at 
 me, warning me that the time would come 
 in my life when I would feel the absolute 
 need of his particular brand of religion. He 
 does not know, nor did I tell him, that I have 
 drunk the very deepest dregs of sorrow, and 
 that somehow I have managed to keep my 
 face to the front; that in the midst of infinite 
 
130 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 tears I have never lost sight of the smiles; 
 but from that time on wq were lost in the 
 maze of our philosophies of life. 
 
 Which brings me to this. The only sound 
 which issued from my cabin door for a week 
 was the click of this typewriter, while now 
 and then I would give vent to a peroration 
 of an imaginary speech. Cabin 213 had a 
 good reputation. Then came the navy lieu- 
 tenant. His language is more picturesque 
 than mine and the good ladies across the 
 way were horrified. He even went so far as 
 to invite some friends on the boat to this 
 sanctum. There was a clink of glasses and 
 loud laughter inspired by the good spirits 
 which prevailed. This happened not once 
 but many times. My reputation was at 
 stake, so I had to save It. 
 
 This morning the opportunity came. The 
 blessed five gathered in the adjacent cabin 
 for devotions. The lieutenant was upstairs 
 eating his breakfast. But drawing the thin 
 curtain across my door I pretended he was 
 present and proceeded in the following fash- 
 ion, shouting through the curtain so my 
 voice would carry across the narrow hall: 
 
 "Good morning, lieutenant. I hope you 
 had a good sleep. You were drinking again 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 131 
 
 last night. Your conduct, sir, is positively 
 reprehensible and from this time on I want 
 you to distinctly understand that this cabin 
 is to be respected. My reputation shall not 
 be allowed to sufifer because of your worldly 
 ways. (Silence in the adjacent cabin.) What 
 was Number 213 before you came? It was 
 my room of meditation and thought, of work 
 and sleep? What have you made it, sir? A 
 brothal house. No wonder you are silent. 
 There is nothing you can say, absolutely 
 nothing. For the sake of your mother I 
 beg of you to change your ways. Repent 
 now, I pray. Do not speak. Do not dare to 
 speak. Listen to your conscience before it 
 is too late." 
 
 I stopped. And as the lapping waves fell 
 back in crested foam from the hull of the 
 steamer I heard a fervent and echoed 
 "Amen." Then I knew my sermon had gone 
 home (across the hall). 
 
CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 Have just heard that the New York office 
 of the Lloyd Sabaudo has sent out a wire- 
 less asking us where we are. Anxious hus- 
 bands, never mind. If you could see your 
 little wifies, wild, free and perfectly happy 
 on the ocean wave, you might not care 
 whether this old hulk sinks or not. Just as 
 one lady said to me, "I'm awfully glad I left 
 
 H y at home. I wouldn't have known 
 
 half the things I have learned on this trip." 
 Traveling sure does broaden the vision con- 
 siderable. 
 
 Yesterday an embalmer and an engineer, 
 who is also an embalmer, became involved in 
 a discussion as to the relative merits of their 
 preserving fluids. The American insisted 
 that his system preserved the corpse in a 
 better condition than that of the Italian com- 
 petitor. The debate grew very heated and 
 a crowd gathered to hear. Finally both 
 turned to the audience and asked for volun- 
 teers who would loan an arm or a leg for 
 
 132 
 
TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 133 
 
 purposes of experimentation. The heroes 
 were all asleep or not present. 
 
 Anyway, the Italian got the better of the 
 argument by producing a guinea pig, appro- 
 priately embalmed looking natural as life. 
 In fact, the poor thing was not exhibited 
 very long before several swore a lot of little 
 guinea pigs were squealing for mother. 
 
 But the resourceful American said, "I'll 
 show you," and dropped the argument as 
 quickly as he had taken it up. Now the sec- 
 ond officer is looking for the ship's cat but 
 tabby is nowhere to be found. I saw her. 
 The American rigged up a little casket in 
 which he placed an electric light. Pussy is 
 laid out and looks as natural as life. But 
 her mousing days are over. She lies in state, 
 a mute sacrifice to the embalmer's art. There 
 is one lady on board who carries her hus- 
 band's ashes. The embalmer has caused her 
 very deep grief by demonstrating to the 
 widow's satisfaction that if he had been 
 called in she might have preserved him 
 pickled for a century or more. 
 
 Saturday there were several boxing 
 matches which were tame affairs and in the 
 evening six dough-boys entertained the first- 
 class passengers with songs. It was not that 
 
134 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 they sang so well, for they did not. It was 
 the animation with which they rendered 
 their songs and it was the democracy of the 
 occasion which made their rendition pos- 
 sible, that appealed most emphatically to the 
 foreigners on board. It was hard for them 
 to understand how we ''aristocrats" could as- 
 semble and vociferously cheer the songs of 
 just "common soldiers." Well, that's Amer- 
 ica. Long may she so live! 
 
 This morning the Y. M. C. A. distributed 
 a cake of chocolate to each man on board, 
 also a small package of cigarettes and one 
 package of Bull Durham for every two men. 
 At the canteen I noticed last night they were 
 selling tobacco from boxes with Knights of 
 Columbus labels on them. I had heard that 
 this was done in France but I saw no evi- 
 dence of it. 
 
 Some lady, adorned with a tortoise shell 
 cigarette holder, sang last evening while a 
 fine old gentleman played the piano. They 
 say it was beautiful. 
 
 This morning we soldiers and one civilian 
 had oatmeal, molasses, oleo, bacon, bread 
 and coffee for breakfast. 
 
 One man, who walks around with his left 
 hand in his trousers pocket all the time, has 
 
ON A TROOPSHIP 135 
 
 been the butt of ungallant remarks. The 
 poor fellow has a deformed arm. 
 
 A madam with three beautiful daughters 
 has a husband on board, but I didn't find 
 it out for nearly three weeks. The embalm- 
 ing controversy might have been given added 
 zest by a real human victim. 
 
 I asked the Red Cross lady this morning 
 to give me the very latest information con- 
 cerning the race between the Captain and 
 the Lieutenant. She said, "Quit your kid- 
 ding. I'm a poor hard working girl. When 
 I get money enough I'm going to settle 
 down on a little farm and raise cats" and 
 other things; let's see, I've forgotten what 
 she said now. 
 
 The jam they serve for breakfast and at 
 tea is a little fermented, and it is very pur- 
 gative. Several people are complaining. 
 
 The American lieutenant in charge of the 
 quartermaster stores says that between $800 
 and $1,000 worth of food, for the soldiers, 
 has been appropriated since we started on 
 this trip, by someone who disappeared with- 
 out leaving a trace. 
 
 Every morning about 9:30 the Major calls 
 the American officers to order in the smok- 
 ing room and business proceeds. 
 
136 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 An Officer: What's the reasons we are 
 not being served any oranges ? There were 
 several cases loaded on the boat. 
 
 An Officer: Some of the second-class pas- 
 sengers have oranges. Where do they buy 
 them? 
 
 An Officer: The oranges are reserved for 
 the hospital. 
 
 A Doctor: I am running the hospital and 
 I haven't seen an orange. 
 
 An Officer: Most of the oranges have 
 spoilt. 
 
 There being no further business and a 
 pretty girl having just passed by a port hole, 
 the meeting is immediately adjourned. 
 
 Sunday morning the Missionary delivered 
 an especially fervid appeal for the salvation 
 of the sinners on this boat. What in thun- 
 der does he know about it ? I haven't shown 
 this manuscript to a soul. 
 
 A whale there was who went to sea, 
 
 Riding the waves in whalish glee 
 
 One day he swallowed a lemon peel, 
 
 Which he found floating near the keel, 
 but there goes the luncheon bell. There 
 doesn't seem to be any radical diminution of 
 the food on board. It was coming strong 
 today, especially the fish. I wonder if that 
 
ON A T RO O P SHIP 137 
 
 blooming embalmer made a mistake and 
 didn't really use the cat. 
 
 They are now fishing in European waters 
 with T. N. T. depth bombs. They say that 
 aside from a rather glassy stare in the eyes, 
 the fish which is T. N. Teed is unharmed. 
 
 When that whale swallowed the lemon 
 peel he didn't notice the seed 
 
 Until it became a great big tree, 
 Filled with lemons as you and me. 
 
 Tomorrow will be a busy day. I have sev- 
 eral arbitration cases to settle, a number of 
 romances to wind up, and I have promised 
 to give two children a very much needed 
 bath. We've hit the Gulf Stream and this 
 boat has got the heaves. 
 
CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 A storm rages at sea. This morning at 
 five many were awakened by tremendous 
 crashes of thunder and vivid flashes of Hght- 
 ning. Rain came down in torrents. The 
 port holes had to be closed. The vessel 
 seems wet inside and out. Streams of salt 
 water are running down the corridors. In 
 the hold 1,206 dough-boys are encased in a 
 dank and dismal tomb. Scores of them are 
 sick. Water, waves, lightning, fog, wind, 
 mad, mad elements roar and rage in the 
 mighty tempest. At such a time as this the 
 meek and lowly take refuge in prayer. A 
 few of us hardened sinners who are able to 
 •walk in slippery places enjoy the storm. The 
 ship seems to have suddenly become a mas- 
 ter of its own destiny. It plunges into the 
 teeth of a gale which none can face in the 
 bow, it rises and falls and careens and then 
 rights itself and moves majestically on. A 
 storm at sea. How frail is man, and yet 
 omnipotent. In the calm the ocean seems 
 to be a mighty maw ready to open at any 
 
 138 
 
TfVENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 139 
 
 moment, anywhere, and swallow. But the 
 storm fastens the hatches of the horizon 
 close about you. The waves leap toward 
 you, the steamer quivers but goes on and on. 
 Here is a fight. The elemental is stirred. 
 Thank God for storms at sea! 
 
 We are nearing home. The reception is 
 blustery but over against the canopy of the 
 setting sun the spires and towers of com- 
 merce stand as sentinels. We cannot see 
 them now but we can hear them. Time 
 drags. Thus it so happened that yesterday 
 evening we were to be entertained by some 
 colored boys, but a fretting ocean, which 
 was a premonition of that which now en- 
 gulfs us, upset the vocalization program. 
 Hence it was but natural that some of my 
 acquaintances asked me to read the manu- 
 script of this book. That I have been writ- 
 ing it, is a secret which I imparted only to a 
 gracious lady friend with strict injunctions 
 not to tell. Hence those who importuned 
 me were not so very large in numbers. I 
 capitulated. Casually browsing here and 
 there I read a few accounts of the incidents 
 as I have recorded them, just as they have 
 been enacted upon this boat. It was 
 thoughtless of me to read the harem scene 
 
140 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 
 
 for among my audience was a hot blooded 
 young Italian, a most excellent and cultured 
 man. He has long black hair which fre- 
 quently shades his eyes. He articulates with 
 his hands. He gesticulates with his legs. 
 He is animation quickened and electrical. 
 
 In a dreamy monotone like the crooning 
 of a Hawaiian love song I began my descrip- 
 tion of the harem. Deftly the picture was 
 enfolded to his ecstatic gaze, but I wist not. 
 With that ardor which comes from a natural 
 elocutionary diction, I pictured the "couches 
 of repose." Suddenly there was a wail and 
 a flop. The Italian had swooned and fallen 
 to the floor. Some one dashed a pitcher of 
 salt water in his face. He gasped and mut- 
 tered, "O la la la, tra la la, tra la la, la la. 
 Save, Save," but he got no further. No 
 doubt the power of description had for the 
 moment overcome his temperamental mind 
 and he was calling upon Mahomet's god, 
 Allah, Allah, to save him, but we could not 
 understand. 
 
 Last night when the storm was raging at 
 its worst, a tremendous thunder clap awoke 
 me, and it was some time before I could set- 
 tle back to sleep. During the interim I al- 
 ternately switched the electric light off and 
 
ON A TROO PS HIP 141 
 
 on with each thunder peal. The Lieutenant 
 said this morning that he had spent months 
 and months at sea but never in his life had 
 he witnessed such an electrical disturbance. 
 If the storm had come a day earlier I could 
 have imitated the thunder, too. 
 
 When it cleared up this morning about 
 eleven o'clock the soldiers poured out of the 
 hold, and they sent up a cheer of universal 
 gratitude which must have startled old Nep- 
 tune. 
 
 The Lieutenant won. The lady will not 
 retire to a farm and raise cats. She will 
 raise the "other things." 
 
 Two long shrill blasts of the whistle. A 
 man over board. The ship swung round at 
 a dangerous angle. A life boat was being 
 lowered just as I got on deck, while there 
 in the water an Italian officer was struggling 
 against fate. He had leaped from the top 
 deck to save Scruggs, the little poodle of the 
 lady whose mother had thrown out the line. 
 Was a mite of a dog worth a life? Perhaps, 
 when that dog was cared for and caressed 
 by one who had grown so dear to him. All 
 of the resentment which we felt in our 
 hearts when this officer had wooed and won 
 (with the aid of a doting mother), a girl of 
 
142 T^FENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 
 
 American breeding flickered out of our 
 minds like mosquitoes through a hole in the 
 screen on a hot summer night. There was 
 no need now for Arbitration. The jig saw 
 of fortune had buzzed. The hour of jesting 
 is over. The American and the Italian em- 
 balmer flipped a coin for the vantage and 
 tails won. While a pitiless shark settled the 
 fate of poor Scruggs. Selah! 
 
CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 When we left Genoa the twenty-third of 
 June this boat traveled at a pace just a little 
 faster than a man can trot. After we had 
 taken on the soldiers at Marseilles and had 
 coaled at Gibraltar we then struck out across 
 the Atlantic at the same rate of speed. Noth- 
 ing has stopped us. We have kept going. 
 Tomorrow we dock in New York. After all, 
 the plugger is the fellow who gets there. 
 
 When Theodore Roosevelt sent the Amer- 
 ican fleet around the world a little while ago, 
 very few knew what he had in mind. Just 
 one incident of that trip proved very helpful 
 during the war, for the Yankton couldn't 
 keep up. It was a small boat, the machinery 
 was not in good repair, and it continually 
 lagged behind. There was no wireless on 
 the boats, but it kept in touch with the fleet 
 by following the route of boxes, tin cans, 
 and other things which were thrown over 
 boar,d. So in the Great War battleships and 
 merchant ships threw nothing over board 
 
 143 
 
144 TWENTY-FOVR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 
 
 which would not sink and thus give the sub- 
 marine a trail to follow. 
 
 Last night I went upon the top deck for 
 a time to enjoy the stars and the moonlight 
 and a calm ocean. I chose a secluded spot 
 on top of one of the life boats which was cov- 
 ered with a canvas. Suddenly I heard 
 voices below me and I couldn't help listen- 
 ing. One was a married man, the other an 
 unmarried girl. There, in a most wonderful 
 setting of sky and sea, they plotted their 
 platonic love. Of all the hydra-headed mon- 
 sters which has ever invaded the lives of 
 people, platonic love is about the most dev- 
 ilish and dastardly. It simply cannot be 
 done. Infinite sorrow is reaped by those 
 who embrace it. Better bubonic than pla- 
 tonic! 
 
 This has been a gala day, the last, we 
 hope, on board the Pesaro. Splendid box- 
 ing matches, real music, speeches, and hilar- 
 ity. We are almost home. Few of the 
 rumors which disturbed us have material- 
 ized. We have had plenty to eat, good sea 
 weather, and here is our country. A multi- 
 tude of vexations are submerged in joy. 
 
CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 For heaven's sake, porter, hurry with that 
 baggage. Taxi, please. Hello, Broadway, 
 I'm home! 
 
 145 
 

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