J. FISCHER & BRO. 7, 8 & 11, Bible House New York €J The copying of either the separate parts or of the entire composition by any process whatsoever is forbidden and subject to the penalties provided for by the Copyright Law of the United States of North America, in force July 1 , 1 909. ^ Right of performance can only be secured through the purchase of copies of this publication, one for each performer. ^ The right of performance will not be granted where copies are loaned or hired from a third party. PUBLISHERS J.JF1SCHER & BRO. NEW YORK ..."• : 7, 8 & 11, Bible House J. FISCHER & BRO. 7, 8 & 11, Bible House New York "ftbetr Xorfcsbipe" BY EDITH M. BURROWS Cast of Characters Mrs. Augustus Smythe-Brown, A lady with social aspirations Mr. Augustus Smythe-Brown, Her unaspiring husband, who is also very deaf Betty Smythe-Brown, Dorothy Smythe-Brown, ; Their children ; all young Will Smythe-Brown, j college graduates. James Smythe-Brown, Ned Hill Harvard friend of the boys Mrs. Montgomery Social dictator Olivia Montgomery, bjer daughter, with dramatic leanings Lord Ransome,:.; Young Englishman ; friend of the Smythe-Browns Maid and Butler. COPYRIGHT, 1913, BY J. FISCHER & BRO. BRITISH COPYRIGHT SECURED PERFORMANCE RIGHT RESERVED (SEE NOTICE SECOND PAGE COVER) J.F.&B.3664 Q ^ iig g 3 & ? TMP92-003755 Act I. Scene. — Room at the Smythe-Brozvns in Cambridge. Time. — Afternoon of the Harvard-Yale football game. Betty, Dorothy, James and Will discovered as cur- tain rises. James (taking out watch). — By what trains do these guests of ours arrive, Betty? Betty. — Ned comes on the three-thirty, Lord Ran- some on the four-fifteen, and the Montgomerys motor down ; probably they'll arrive about four o'clock. Will (coming out from behind newspaper with a yawn). — The Montgomerys. Save the mark. What- ever made you invite destruction in the person of that awful old woman, is more than I can figure out. Dorothy. — Will, you are perfectly horrid. Mrs. Montgomery is a little odd at times — (groans from the boys) but she is a very important person, socially, and one must be nice to her. Besides (mischievously) there is Olivia, and I haven't heard you objecting very seriously to her. James. — Oh, Olivia is another matter. Couldn't we have had her without the dragon ? But I suppose Mama would never consent to her coming alone, when there is to be a nice eligible young nobleman to be angled for. (Mimics.) "Come, Olivia dear, I'm sure Lord Ransome would like to hear about your stay in Paris this Spring." Can't you just see it? Betty. — Boys, really you are dreadful. I do hope you'll try to be a little bit decent, when our guests arrive. And for pity's sake, don't get your heads so full of that Harvard-Yale game, that you can't even converse. Enter Mrs. Smythe-Broivn in great excitement, wav- ing telegram. Mrs. S. B. — Girls, the most awful thing has hap- pened. Lord Ransome telegraphs that business in J. F.&B.3664 iii New York is detaining him and he may not get here until a week later than he expected. General consternation among members of S.-B. I family. James {recovering). — Well, now you have done it. (Whistles.) I take it, that Mrs. Montgomery and the fair Olivia are banking on his lordship's presence? Mrs. S.-B. — Why the whole thing is perfectly ghastly. I fairly begged them to come, using him as an inducement. They gave up some other engage- ments to spare us two days, though I urged them to stay a week. And now when she finds that Lord Ran- some is not here, Mrs. Montgomery will be furious. Will (under his breath). — That's her natural state, from anything I've been able to observe. Mrs. S.-B. (sharply).— What's that? Will. — Oh, nothing. Mrs. S.-B. — Well, I wish it were something. Can't any of you suggest some way out. I'm nearly frantic and they are due here shortly. James. — Oh thunder, mother, how can you expect us to think of anything to-day? Have you forgotten the Harvard- Vale game? That's enough excitement for one day. Mrs. S.-B. — I'm sorry to say that that excitement doesn't help me one bit. It's the first time that we've entertained these people and their stay is to be so short, that I wanted particularly to — (pauses). Will. — Make a big impression while they were here. Eh? The only thing that I can suggest is that somebody'll have to be Lord Ransome. Mrs. S.-B. — Why, what do you mean? Will. — Just what I say. Somebody will have to be Lord Ransome for two days. I say, has the "dragon" ever seen Xed ? Betty. — \"o, I'm sure they've never met. Why? Will. — Why, because Ned's going to be Lord Ran- some. J. F. & B..Wr\ All. — Ned is going to be Lord Ransome? Maid (announcing). — Mr. Hill. Enter Ned. All exchange greetings. Dorothy. — Oh, Ned, we're awfully glad to see you. We certainly are in a scrape. Ned. — What is it? Thought I heard a chorus chanting my name as I came in, but I wasn't sure. Will. — You'll be sure in a minute, old man. You heard two of your names, the one you have always gone by and the one you are going to adopt for the next two days. Ned. — What in creation are you talking about? Will. — Your names; old one, Ned Hill; new one, Lord Ransome. Oh, I say, old chappie, — (aping English manner) don't look so dazed, you know. Ned. — I always thought you were crazy and now I know it. Would it be too much to ask you to explain ? Will. — Certainly, I was just coming to that, you see . Dorothy. — Oh, let me do it. You see . Mrs. S.-B. (Interrupting).—! will tell* Ned. The fact is that Mrs. Montgomery and her daughter are coming here for a week-end visit with the express purpose of meeting Lord Ransome, who was to be here at the same time, — (pauses). Ned. — Yes, but I don't see Mrs. S.-B. — But the awful part of it is that Lord Ransome has just telegraphed that he cannot get here when we expected him. Ned. — Yes, I understand that part of it. What I can't see is, where I come in. Will (interrupting). — You come in as Lord Ran- some, haven't I just told you? Ned. — But you can't be in earnest. I couldn't think of Will. — Nobody wants you to think. There isn't time to think, just act and save the day. We'll all stand by you and you know College theatricals were always your strong point. J. F. &B.3664 v Mrs. S.-B. (weakly protesting). — I can never con- sent to such an outrageous thing Betty. — Oh, mother, please hush. It's only a joke — and remember Mrs. Montgomery. (Mrs. S.-B. sub- sides at mention of this dread name.) Dorothy. — Yes, it's only for two days and Ned will save our lives. Please do, Ned. You'll never have to see the Montgomerys again and it will only be fun for us all. Ned. — Um, yes, 'specially fun for me. (Strikes at- titude of Orator.) "Some men have greatness thrust upon them." Yours truly seems to be among them, so here goes. (English accent.) Only fancy, you know. Will (laughs). — Oh, you'll do. Dorothy and Betty. — That's great. James. — That's lovely for the accent, how about the laugh, can you do it? Ned. — Can I do it? English laugh is my middle name. Listen now. "Charming little place, Mrs. Montgomery, so near the College. Isn't it remark- able how devoted the American men are to their Col- leges? Ha, ha, ha, — ha." Can you beat it? Will. — You're perfect now, but for one thing. Ned. — A monocle. I knew it. I felt that thing com- ing, but I thought I wouldn't hurry it along any, as it'll probably put my eye out. Ah, well (resignedly), sorry I don't happen to have one about me now. Betty. — I know Dorothy — the very thing. Haven't you still the one you used in our Senior Play at Col- lege ? Dorothy. — Sure enough; it ought to be right here in the desk, too (rummaging through desk). Ah, here it is — (pulls out monocle with black ribbon). Will. — The last touch (puts monocle on Ned). There now, you're all dressed up. That's right, open your mouth, you looked too intelligent with it shut. Ned (glaring). — Is there anything else I can do for you? J. F. &B.3664 vi James. — You're a brick, it's up to us to do some- thing for you, name your price. Ned. — Only keep me posted to-day on the score of the game. Don't forget or I may gnaw my knuckles with anxiety and forget to speak my piece to the lady, who is coming especially to meet me. Say, who is Lord Ransome, anyway? Betty. — Oh, he's just a young Englishman we met abroad last summer, gifted with money, but not notice- ably with brains, so your part doesn't call for much mental effort. Ned. — Thank Heaven for that. How many of the family does his Lordship know? Mrs. S.-B. — Oh just Betty, Will and myself. Doro- thy and James were in Scotland with their father at the time and didn't meet him. Will. — That reminds me; don't you think it about time we let father in on this deal? He's very deaf but he always hears the things we don't want him to, and he may make trouble if we don't explain carefully. Mrs. S.-B. — Of course your father should be told if this ridiculous plan is to be carried out, but I Whole Family. — Remember the Montgomerys. Mrs. S. B. (succumbing). — Oh, all right. James, will you call your father, please? (Exit James.) Betty. — You'd better let me explain. Father al- ways hears me best. {Enter Mr. S.-B. and James.) Betty. — Father, this is Ned Hill, a college friend of the boys. Mr. S.-B. — Glad to know you Mr. Hill, I've often heard of you. Ned. — Thank you, sir ; I'm glad to meet you. Betty. — For two days, he's going to take the part of Lord Ransome. Mr. S.-B. (smiles benignly). — Handsome? No, but very good looking. Betty (screaming) . — No — no— he isn't handsome at J. F. &B.3664 vii all. (Ned makes face at her.) I said, Ransome; he's going to be Lord Ransome. Mr. S.-B. — Lord Ransome, oh, beg pardon; J thought my daughter said you were Mr. Hill. Betty (shouts). — He is Mr. Hill, but he's going to pretend Mr. S.-B. — I can hear you perfectly, don't shout so, it annoys me. Betty. — But you see father Mrs. S.-B.— There, Betty, that will do; I will ex- plain to your father later on. Thomas will take your things up, Ned. You young people had better stay here and I will join you as soon as I have told your father of the plan. Come along Augustus. Mr. S.-B. (protesting). — But I heard what Betty said, only she either mumbles her words or shouts at me. Mrs. S.-B. (from distance). — Augustus? Mr. S.-B. — Yes, I'm coming. (Exit.) Will (anxiously). — I do hope mother doesn't "mumble her words" or the whole plan will be ruined. Father might choose it as a subject for dinner con- versation to-night. James. — Oh, it will be all right now. Are you ready Ned? Ned (Strikes dramatic attitude). — Keady — Aim — Fire. Maid (announcing). — Mrs. Montgomery and Miss Olivia Montgomery. Ned. — Holy Cats! (arranges himself hastily). (Enter Mrs. Montgomery and Olivia.) Betty. — Oh, how do you do. You know my sister, Dorothy, I think ; and my brothers, Will and James ? Mrs. M. — How do you do. (Both she and Olivia bow in indifferent manner, then glance toward Ned.) Betty. — Mrs. Montgomery, may I present Lord Ransome, and Miss Montgomery, Lord Ransome? Ned. — Chawmed, I'm sure. J. F. &B.3664 viii Mrs. M. {effusively) . — We are very glad to meet you Lord Ransome. How do you like our country? Mrs. Smythe-Brown tells me it is your first visit. Ned. — Very chawming country, I'm sure. (As Mrs. M. turns to seat herself, James speaks to Ned.) James (aside). — Say, can't you say something else next time? (Ned nods.) Mrs. M. — Come, Olivia, my dear, I'm sure you and Lord Ransome have mutual acquaintances in England. Olivia (dutifully). — You are an Oxford man, Lord Ransome ? Ned. — Aw — aw — yes. (Enter Mrs. S.-B.) Mrs. S.-B. (gushingly). — Well, this is a pleasure, dear Mrs. Montgomery, and Olivia, too. We are very glad to see you. Mrs. M. (bored). — Oh, how do you do, Mrs. Smythe-Brown. Olivia. — How do you do. Mrs. S.-B. — Mr. Smythe-Brown will be so sorry to have missed you, he was called to town, but will be here for dinner. Mrs. M. — We hardly expected to get here — had to give up two other engagements to do it; but you see we are here. Mrs. S.-B. (purringly). — Yes, it was very sweet of you to come. Wouldn't you like to go to your rooms now, and join us afterwards for tea? (Exeunt Mrs. S.-B., Mrs. M. and Olivia.) Betty. — Thank Heaven, that part's over. Now for the fray. Ned. — You bet, "now for the fray." James (severe- ly), if you butt in on my conversation with that lady grenadier again, you will get something you don't want, later on — see. Penalty for first offence is to go out and find out the score of the game. Will. — Yes, and that reminds me of what we're all missing, but father. "Called to town," indeed. I J. F. &B.3664 ix wish I could be "called to town" for that same busi- ness — Yale-Harvard game. (All three boys groan.) Ned (to James). — Hence minion and find out the score. James. — "I flies to do your bidding." Ned (moodily). — Wish to goodness I was doing the flying. Will. — Cheer up, you're doing beautifully, you look and act like a perfect fool. Ned (heatedly).— Well, I like that. (Grins.) All right, you get the next score for me when I say so. Savez 't (Butler has entered and arranged tea tray.) (Re-enter ladies. Betty pours tea. Dorothy with- drazvs to window. Olivia seats herself near Ned.) Olivia. — Of course the custom of afternoon tea is second nature to you English people. I prefer the German idea of coffee. Ned (adjusting monocle). — Aw, fancy, indeed. Olivia (handing him cup of tea). — I suppose you know that this is the day of the Harvard- Yale game? Do you know anything about football, as it is played in the American colleges, Lord Ransome? Ned (forgetting). — You bet I do — (horrified) chawming game. Aw how do you like my American slang, Miss Montgomery? Ha, ha, ha, ha. Olivia. — Oh, very much indeed — you do it well, too. (Enter James and crosses to Ned.) Ned (aloud). — May I have some more tea, please? Thanks. (Whispers to James.) What's the score, what's the score? Hurry up or be choked. Mrs. M. — Did you say the tea choked you, Lord Ransome? Olivia, my dear, you shouldn't make Lord Ransome talk when he is trying to take his tea. (Ned chokes loudly and violently, under cover of which James whispers.) James. — 5 — favor Harvard. ( Ned grins.) J. F. & B. 3664 x {Cheers outside.) Betty. — James, do you suppose we could get the score of the game soon, if we sent some one out? I thought I heard some cheering. James (eagerly). — Sure thing, I'll go if Will doesn't want to. Ned (looks meaningly at Will). — I'm sure your brother wants to go, don't you old fellow? (Pokes him.) Will (hastily). — Yes, indeed. I'll go and find out all that can be learned about Yale's awful fate — if you'll excuse me. (Exit.) Mrs. S.-B. — You see these young people are all so interested in Harvard, because my sons and Ned are Harvard men. Mrs. M. — Ned? Betty (hastily). — A college friend of my brothers, whom we expected to have with us this week. Mrs. M. — Oh! (to Ned) Lord Ransome, in just what part of England is your home? Ned (drops cup ivith crash, and Mrs. S.-B. and Mrs. M. spring up out of way, while he and Betty both stoop for it — whispers). — Where is my home, quick ? Betty. — In Berkshire. Ned (aloud). — Awfully sorry, you know, beastly stupid of me. Hope I haven't hurt anything? Betty. — Oh, no, indeed. Ned (still on his knees). — I beg your pardon, Mrs. Montgomery, I believe you said something to me be- fore my accident. Mrs. M. — I asked where your home is. Ned. — Oh, yes, in Berkshire. Mrs. M. — Indeed, it is very beautiful there. Ned. — Aw, chawming, quite — (rashly) nice peo- ple, too. Mrs. M. — Olivia, my dear, don't you know some one in that section? J. F. & B. 3664 *i Olivia. — Yes, mama. Do you know the Darrells of Highgate, Lord Ransome? Ned {looks at James, who shakes his head, No). — Aw, no I don't — you see I'm rather a hermit and all that sort of thing. Olivia. — How interesting. Dorothy (coming from windozv). — Listen, every- body, the Harvard cheers. (Enter Will in great haste.) Will. — Hooray — Game's over and Harvard won — 10—0. (Will, James and Ned jump up and give the Har- vard cheer, zvhile Betty tries to catch Ned's eye and fails. ) Mrs. M. (surprised) . — Isn't it remarkable how en- thusiastic Lord Ransome is about the American game ? Dorothy. — Yes, you see — he had a very intimate friend who went to Harvard, and he's always been interested in it. Mrs. M. (to Ned, who has recovered and is hor- rified). — I was just remarking on your enthusiasm, Lord Ransome. One might almost think you had a personal interest in Harvard. Ned (gasps, looks around — finding no help, begins). — Well, the fact is, you see, I have. My great grand- father was a cousin of John Harvard; so the family has always been interested. Mrs. M. — Of course, naturally. It wasn't entirely then for your friend that you cheered ? . Ned (dazed). — Friend — what friend? ^ Will (hastily). — Mrs. Montgomery means the friend who came from America and was in Oxford with you, the one who told you so much about Har- vard — oh, you know (glares at Ned). Ned (completely dazed). — Aw — yes — ha — ha — ha — ha. James. — Don't laugh now, you idiot ; old lady's get- ting suspicious. Mrs. M. — Olivia, I think we will go to our rooms J. F. &B. 3664 xii now to rest for awhile before dinner. Mrs. S.-B. (following) . — I will go with you to see that you have all that you wish. (Exeunt.) Dorothy (sighs deeply). — That time we got you safely out Ned Hill, but if you ever make another break like that, I won't answer for the consequences. Will. — Nor I, you blithering idiot. What did you want to cheer for? James. — That wasn't half as bad as that laugh he indulged in. Betty. — Yes, that was ghastly. Ned. — Say, when you all get through, I'd like to say something. What do you think I'm doing this stunt for — pleasure? Because if you do, you're mis- taken. I never spent such an afternoon in my life, and I'm nearly dead. (Mopping his face.) Whew, I don't see how I can live through another day of it. All. — Please do, and we'll all stand by you. (Enter Mrs. S.-B.) Mrs. S.-B. — Really, I don't know whether to be pleased or alarmed at the prospect, but Mrs. Mont- gomery has just told me that she and Olivia were able to arrange to stay here a week after all, instead of just two days. All. — A week! (Tableau of consternation. Ned pretends to faint in chair as curtain goes down.) Act II. Scene. — Room at Smythe-Browns. Time. — Four days after Act I. (Ned, Will and James discovered as curtain rises.) Ned. — Never before did I realize what an awful thing nervous prostration is, but I've been on the verge of it for the past three days. Will. — Never mind, you've done wonders and the worst is over. Ned. — You mean the worst is yet to come. Think of doing that theatrical stunt to-night with Olivia J. F. &B. 3664 Xiii under the dragon's watchful eye and not making any breaks. It gives me a nervous chill just to think of it. B-r-r-r-r. James. — Say, that dramatic coach of ours is due to show up this morning, isn't he? Will. — Sure thing. And that reminds me that be- fore we go out, I must tell Thomas what to do with him if he gets here before we do. (Rings bell.) Ned. — Yes, for Heaven's sake let's get out quickly, too. This morning walk of ours, while you are pre- tending to show me the historic spots of interest, is the only thing that keeps me from a terrible suicide. (Enter butler.) Thomas. — Did you ring, sir? Will. — Yes, Thomas, we are going out for a short walk and will be back about half past ten. We are expecting a coach for the play we are going to give to-night and should he come before we get back, you will please bring him in here. Thomas. — Yes, sir. Anything else, sir? Will. — No, that will do. (Exit Thomas.) Ned. — Now let's make a dash for the open, before the enemy is upon us. I hear the girls' voices now. (Exeunt.) (Enter Olivia and Dorothy.) Dorothy. — Dear me ; I do hope that performance of ours is going to be a success to-night. Your part is the most strenuous Olivia. When are you going to do your final practicing as the lady villain? Olivia. — I'd like to go over that blood-curdling scene of mine, sometime later on this morning. Do you suppose I could use this room for rehearsing? Dorothy. — Certainly, and we'll tell everybody to keep away so you won't be disturbed. But you'll go over the scene before that, with me first, won't you? Olivia. — Yes, and let's do that now, so that I can come up here in a few minutes for that raving act. (Exeunt girls. Enter Thomas and Lord Ransome.) Thomas. — Yes, sir, you was expected, sir. Mr. J.F. &B.3664 xiv Will told me to bring you right in here and tell you to wait until they returned from walking. Lord R. — But I think you are making a mistake. Are you sure that they expected me? I didn't send any word that I was coming to-day. Thomas. — Oh, yes, sir. They expected you all right. Just wait here and they'll return presently. (Exit Thomas.) Lord R. — Remarkable. Now how could they know that I was coming to-day, when I didn't know it my- self until late last evening. Strange indeed are the things that happen in this country. (Thinking) Queer though that none of the family are here to receive me if I was expected — deuced queer. Suppose I may as well make myself jolly comfortable until the mystery is solved. (Sinks into armchair behind screen.) Oh, I say, this is good after a night's travel (doses off). (Enter Olivia with her part in her hand.) Olivia (natural voice). — Guess I'll begin at this part. (Tragic voice) Hence, curs't remorse, what have I to do with remorse? (Lord R. awakes) A woman who can kill, must be a woman who can laugh after- ward (blood curdling laugh). (Lord R. shudders and peers out from behind screen.) Ah, now I am my- self again, and were my victim only here how gladly I would take his life and laugh without remorse for- ever. Ha, how I hate all men. Lord R. (aside). — Good heavens. (Backs toward door and exits.) Olivia (natural voice). — There, I think that went off rather well. Now I wonder if the men have come back? I need Lord Ransome for this next part. (Goes to door and calls) "Lord Ransome!" (Lord R. appears at opposite door; he and Olivia both gaze at each other transfixed with horror.) Olivia (shrieks). — A strange man (runs). Lord R. (hoarsely). — The crazy woman. (Runs in opposite direction.) (Re-enter Olivia with Thomas.) J. F. &B.3664 XV Olivia. — Oh, Thomas, he was right here. A strange man and he was coming toward me when I ran. Where do you suppose he is now ? Thomas. — In this room, was he, Miss? Oh, then, it's all right. It was the coach for the play, you saw. He was expected this morning, you know, and I brought him in here to wait. Olivia. — Really, Thomas ? Then what a fool I made of myself, and whatever will the man think of me? (Exeunt Olivia and Thomas.) Lord R. (coming stealthily back, mopping his brozv). — Well, upon my word. They didn't tell me there was a crazy member of the family. And I could have sworn that I heard her call my name. I just heard a man talking to her now, suppose that must have been her keeper. This sort of thing is beastly for a man's nerves, you know. (Sits down behind screen and picks up book. Enter Dorothy and Mr. S.-B.) Dorothy. — ^re you going to stay in here, father? Well, then, if the coach for the play comes, will you tell him that we will be ready for him, just as soon as the boys come back. Mr. S.-B. — Yes, yes. Now let me read my paper in peace. (Exit Dorothy.) Lord R. — The family at last. Now is my time to introduce myself, though evidently this part of the family is not expecting me. (Approaching Mr. S.- B.) Ahem. Beg pardon, sir, but are you Mr. Smythe- Brown ? (Mr. S.-B. not hearing him, sits perfectly still and keeps on reading.) Lord R. (louder). — Beg pardon, I say, but are you Mr. Smythe-Brown ? Mr. S.-B. — Hey — oh, did you speak? Lord R. (shouts). — Yes, I asked if you were Mr. Smythe-Brown ? J, F. & B. 3664 xvi Mr. s.-: sume. I Lord R, am B. — Yes, I am. You are the coach, I pre- . — Really, no — you are mistaken. You see, Mr. S.-B. — Yes — yes, that's all right, they're ex- pecting you and will be in shortly. Just make your- self comfortable now. I wish to finish my reading. Lord R. — But, my dear sir, you don't understand. I am Mr. S.-B. (testily). — What's that — what's that, don't understand ? I understand enough, to know that you talk altogether too confounded much. Be quiet, sir. / Lord R. — But you must hear me. (Shouts) I am not the coach, I am Lord Ransome. Mr. S.-B. — Well, bless my soul, bless my soul. Why didn't you say so in the first place? I'm very glad to meet you sir. You are welcome. Lord R. — Thank you, Mr. Smythe-Brown. I know I came in a rather unexpected way, and I hope my coming will not upset your plans any. Mr. S.-B. — Oh, not at all — not at all. (Pause ; dur- ing zvhich his expression changes to one of uneasi- ness.) Er — that is — well, you see, matters may have to be adjusted a little bit. Now I tell you what to do. You just stay right here in this room for awhile until I see Mrs. Smythe-Brown and find out how we are going to dispose of Ned. (Exit.) Lord R. — "Find out how we are to dispose of Ned." Well, this is the most remarkable of all. First I meet a butler, who insists that I am expected and ushers me in the presence of a mad woman, who has murder as her mania, and now my host speaks of "disposing of Ned." On my word. I am getting nervous in this house. (Sits in same chair as before; enter Will, James and Ned.) Will. — Say, where in thunder is that coach? Thought Thomas said he was to wait here. James (gloomily). — Maybe he was the kind of a coach that walks off with the family silver. J. F. &B.3664 xvii Ned. — Oh, heavens, can't you say something cheer- ful? This whole farce is dismal enough without your croaks. Lord R. (gets up and steps forward). — You were probably looking for me as the coach, weren't you? (Extending hand to Will) Awfully glad to see some- one I know. Will (staggering back). — Well, what the deuce did you come for now? James. — What do you want to talk like that to the poor man for? Weren't you just kicking, because the coach wasn't here? Will. — Coach — thunder. Who do you think this is? James and Ned. — Isn't it the coach? Will. — No, my dears, it's Lord Ransome. Ned. — Lord Ransome? (Stepping up to Lord R. with grin, as he looks him over) "Oh wad some power the giftie gie us, To see oursel's as others see us." James. — Aw shut up, this is serious, Ned. Lord R. — "Ned." So, my young friend, you are the one they are going to dispose of? Ned. — Not on your life. They'll find out that imi- tation lords are as hard to get rid of as real ones. (Steps close to Lord R. and links arms with him) Aren't we sweet? What are you going to call us, "Their Lordships?" ( Will and James collapse helpless with laughter and Lord R. looks dazed.) Ned (mimics). — "Aw, shut up. This is serious." (Enter maid.) Maid. — Gray, the coach, is here, Mr. Will. Will. — Tell him we can't see him now; he'll have to come back this afternoon. Maid. — Yes, sir. (Exit.) Will. — Now what is to be done? We really can't have two of you. Oh, I say Ransome, I'm sorry. Suppose you think you landed in a lunatic asylum. But the fact is, we had some peculiar guests, who J. F. &B.3664 xviii came just to meet you and when you telegraphed that you couldn't come — we did the best thing we could think of — in ven ted your double; here he is, commonly known as Ned Hill. This is my brother James. Lord R. {face breaking into smile). — Quite so, a clever ruse. Glad to meet you, gentlemen. Now I understand your father's remark about "disposing of Ned/' James. — Great Scott! You don't mean to say that father knows you're here? The cause is lost. Lord R. — Perhaps he hasn't told anyone yet. James. — I'll try to head him off. For mother and Mrs. Montgomery have just come in and he may not have seen them yet. {Exit.) Will. — I'm going to get Betty. She's the best one in the family to get people out of scrapes. Ned {with emphasis). — Well, you're the best one to get them in all right, all right. You ought always to keep Betty near you to counteract your crazy ef- forts. {Exit Will.) Lord R. {looking at Ned). — You Americans are great at joking, aren't you? Ned. — So we're told, but this isn't exactly my idea of a joke. I've been suffering tortures at the hands of these Montgomerys. Lord R. — Oh, the other guests, I presume? Ned. — Yes, darn it, the ones who came to meet you. Just think of what I've spared you and be grateful. The family got me into this by saying these guests were only to stay two days and then the critters took it into their heads to stay a week. Lord R. — Fancy now — rather hard on you, eh? Ned. — Gee. You don't do that English accent as well as I do. {Enter Betty and Will.) Betty. — How are you, Lord Ransome ? What must you think of us all? J. F. &B.3664 xix Lord R. — Ah, Miss Betty, it is good to see you again, and I really am not a bit shocked, only much amused, now that I see how things are going. It wa*s a bit difficult, being on the outside you know? Betty. — You poor thing, I should think so. Tell me about your reception. Lord R. — Well, you see, first the butler insisted that I was expected. Betty. — Of course, he thought you were the coach. Lord R. — Exactly. And then a demented member of the household gave me quite a start, you know, but she seemed quite harmless after all. All. — Demented ? Lord R. — Yes, tall girl with wild eyes, who kept talking about killing men without remorse and laughed in quite a horrid way, you know. I left the room while she was in it. (Expression of all change from amazement to mirth as he talks — all laugh.) Betty. — Oh, she isn't crazy, that's Olivia. Lord R. — Olivia ? Betty. — Yes, one of our friends. Ned (savagely). — The one who came to meet you. Betty (to Ned).— Keep still, Ned. (To Lord R.) She was only rehearsing her part for some amateur theatricals that we are getting up for to-night. Lord R. — Well, I certainly am relieved. Betty. — What happened next? Lord R. — Your father happened next, and I had a terrible time convincing him that I was not the coach, but myself. Betty. — Oh, dear, then father knows. Hasn't any- body tried to stop him, before he gives the whole thing away? Will. — Yes, Jimmy went. Betty. — Well what now? Ned. — That's what we want you to tell us. Betty.— Why, it's perfectly simple. It wouldn't be, if Lord Ransome were not such a good sport, but J. F. & B. 3664 xx fortunately for us all, he is. Lord R. (bowing low and smiling). — Thank you. Miss Betty. Betty. — Will, call the family together for a moment please. This must be concerted action on our part. "United we stand, divided we fall." (Exit Will.) Lord Ransome, what is your other title? The one you told us about last summer, that you almost never use? Lord R. — Oh, you mean Viscount Ransome? Betty. — Yes, that's the one. Are you willing to leave arrangements in my hands if I promise not to do anything rash, to extricate the whole family from this scrape? Lord R. — Most certainly. Miss Betty. I'm game, you know. Betty. — Thanks. (Enter Mr. S.-B., Mrs. S.-B., Will, James and Dorothy.) Listen, everybody, care- fully. This (pointing to Lord R.) is the Viscount Ransome, a cousin of Lord Ransome (nods to Ned). Xed is to have received word that his cousin is to be here for luncheon to-day. Not only will that solve our problem of an embarrassing riches of Lordships, but Mrs. Montgomery will be simply prostrated with the announcement that another scion of a noble house is to be among us. All. — Hurrah for Betty. Ned. — That girl is a wonder. Betty. — Now, remember your parts, everybody, I'm off to call the Montgomerys. (Exit Betty.) Will. — I'm afraid we'll have to exile you again, Ransome, old man, but at least this time, you need not have to fear lunatics and you'll soon be welcomed in our midst. Just go into this ante-room now, until the moment is ripe for your discovery. (Exit Lord R.) (Enter Betty, Mrs. M. and Olivia.) Betty. — Oh, what do you suppose, everybody? Lord Ransome has the most exciting news for us. You tell them (turning to Ned). J. F. & B 3664 xxi Ned. — Aw, you see, I've had word from my — from m y — (pauses, James and Will signal "cousin" to him frantically from opposite sides of the room, and he turns from one to the other making sign "what" with his lips. Mrs. M. observes this.) Betty. — Mrs. Montgomery, don't notice this attack. It's a very painful facial contortion, that he's suffered with from his childhood. It comes over him often, suddenly, just like this. I'm afraid (steps hard on Ned's foot) that he's going to have it again. (Ned, looking directly at Mrs. Montgomery, makes sign "what" zuith his lips several times. Smythe- Brown family struggle to control their laughter as Mrs. M. looks at them.) Mrs. M. — Dear me, I'm very sorry for this attack, Lord Ransome, you must be overtired. James. — Yes, that's it Mrs. Montgomery. He is both overtired and excited about his cousin's coming (winks at Ned). Mrs. M. — His cousin? Ned. — Yes, that is what I started to say, when I for — felt this attack coming on. You see my cousin, the Viscount Ransome, an awfully good sort, sent word to me that he would be in the city to-day, and through the hospitality of Will has been invited to stay here. In fact (looks at watch) he should be here now. Will. — Let's have Thomas in (rings). He may have stowed him away somewhere while we were out walking. (Enter Thomas.) Thomas, did a gentleman come here this morning? Thomas. — Yes, sir, and I told him to- wait in here, according to your instructions. Will. — But my instructions referred to the coach for the play and not to the Viscount Ransome. Thomas. — Beg pardon, sir? (Looks at Ned.) J.F. &B.3664 XXJi Will. — I said the Viscount Ransome, Thomas, see if his Lordship is not in the ante-room? (Exit Thomas and re-enter with Lord Ransome.) Thomas. — This way, sir. Ned (to Lord R.). — Hello, old chap, glad to see you. You must meet all these good people, who are so hospitable to us. Thomas (dazed). — Then he isn't the coach? Olivia (horrified). — And he isn't a strange man? James (sarcastically). — And he isn't even a burglar. Ned. — No, he's just Lord R. (bowing). — Viscount Ransome, at your service. Maid. — Luncheon is served. C 14 r tain. J. F. & B. 3664 JAN 27 1913 FISCHER'S EDITION No. 3642a Dedicated to ERNEST THOMPSON SETON Words by A HAROLD DORNING (Copyrighted) Used by permission Marciale, -1 Song- of the Scout Music by ALFRED J.SILVER Mus.Doc.Dunelm. 1. This is r a song of the 2. A song in praise of the 3. A song in praise of the 4. So lets give a heart - y Scout- So._ man - ly, — sturdy, and__ stout! ' Scout! His_ life makes a man_ of the lout; Scout '.That he's worth -y there is no doubt; shout For the free, clean _ life of the Scout-, His Swing- ing a - long Strong of_ limb Ev - er cheer work, his_ life, in the and and is ft o - pen air, Ev-er clear of brain, "Be Pre. ev - er bright, Each cause and creed, In read - y to do and dare,_ Stick to r his law and _ pared," is his watchword plain,— Quick to act, without task he doeswithheart so light-, For Truth andRight , with _ camp.cn track,by stream or mejid, Making boys jnen .in dan -ger share, _ To bear his part_for self no care _f thought of gain, ( — On field or track, in sun or rain_ God his might,Gainstim - pure— deeds and words to fight- word and deed, _ A help-er true to all in need-Hur- poco nt ^ „ a tempo Such is thework of the Scout!- Such is tfieworkof the Scout! Such is the life of the Scout! — Such is the life of the Scout! Such is the creed bf the ScoutL_ Such is thecreedof the Scout! rah! for the life of the Scout !Hur-rah!forthe life of the Scout! Copyright, 1912, by J. Fischer & Bro. British Copyright Secured. Eigentumdes TZrtegvrsfur alle Lander Vocal part $2.03 per 100 (single copies .05) Song with Piano accompaniment net .27 (discount deducted | PUBLISHED BY J. FISCHER & BRO., 7, 8 & 11, Bible House, NEW YORK BREITKOPF & HARTEL, 54, Great Marlborou 8 n St., London, W. Fischer's Edition Plays, Dialogues, Drills, Monologues, Recitations, etc. 1456 Knaves and Fools. Comedy for males A. J. Schindler .25 1457 The Discontented Sisters. Comedy for females . . . A. J. Schindler .20 3259 Kris Kringle. Play for females A. J. Schindler .25 3260 Lily and Rosebud. Play for males and females A. J. Schindler .25 3261 Our Merry Making Minstrels. Play for males A. J. Schindler .25 3262 The Golden Slipper. Play for females A- J. Schindler .25 3263 Cousin Charlie. Play for male and females . . . A. J. Schindler .25 3264 A Grain of Salt. Play for males A. J. Schindler .25 3265 Little Mischief. Play for females A. J. Schindler .25 3266 Tim and Tom. Play for males A. J. Schindler .25 3372 The Old Ship. Dialogue for 3 boys Clara J. Denton .20 3373 Seeing Uncle Jack. Comedy for females Clara J. Denton .25 1-2-ia The Hoe Drill. Drill for Boys ) rM t r» * oe 3374 The Club Drill. Baseball Bat Drill f Clara h Dent ° n * 2S 3377 Flower Drill. For girls Clara J. Denton .15 3378 The Birthdays. A Lincoln and Washington Birthday Dialogue for boys and girls Clara J. Denton .10 3379 Sammie's Lesson. Dialogue for boy and girl. For Flag- day etc Clara J. Denton .15 3380 The Yellow Law. Play for girls and boys. For Thanksgiving day Clara J. Denton .20 3381 Three Recitations. For Washington-Lincoln, etc. celebrations Clara J. Denton .15 3497 A Rural Telephone. Monologue for lady Jessie A. Kelley .35 3556 De Trouble Begins at Nine. A negro farce for 2 males Chat. White .15 3557 The Train to Mauro. Comic Dialogue for males and female S. A. Frost .15 3558 No Peddlers Wanted. Comic Dialogue for males 15 3559 A Cup of Tea. A comedietta for males and female Albert Smith .15 3560 The Great Arrival. A farce for males G. W. H. Griffin .15 3561 Aunt Charlotte's Maid. A farce for males and females J. M. Morton .15 3562 All that Glitters is not Gold. Comic Drama for males and females Thomas and J. M. Morton .15 3563 No Cure, No Pay. Farce for males G. W. H. Griffin .15 3564 Mischievous Bob. Comic Drama for males 15 3565 Aunt Vinegar's Money. A dialogue for females Arzalea Hunt .10 3566 Handy Andy. Drama for males and females W. R.*Floyd .15 J. FISCHER & BRO. NEW YORK "TTT All prices are strictly net LIBRARY OF CONGRESS IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIH YOUNG AMERICA C^^j&^iSj SELECT COMPOSITIONS Specially Arranged for School and Amateur Organizations 10 14 Full Pla. Under the Palm Trees; Waltz. R. Sinnhold ) H ' s n P !f n ° r ^ A "^ Alma Polka G. F. Alice Lagarde ) ' 6 ° M lM * 2 ° Hosanna P. Wachs \ on 1 00 40 The Perfect Day P. Scheuren ) ™ * Camellia; . . . . Melodic . .. . L C Yon .90 1.10 1.25 .40 Knickerbocker ; Intermezzo-Uavotte ) Th* Rally; March. S.T.Paul 40 .60 .15 Viennese Waltz. J. Lewis Browne 40 .60 .15 A Nautical Knot; Overture. W. Rhys Herbert 1.00 1.25 1.50 .30 The Harvest Moon; Waltz (from " Sylvia "). W. Rhys Herbert 60 .80 1.00 .20 For Violin and Piano with Second Violin, Cello, Flute ad libitum FISCHER'S AMERICAN ALBUM Two Volume. MODERN RECITAL PIECES Volume ii. The above mentioned volumes can be had in following arrangements * Violin and Piano 75 Two Violins & Piano 1.00 Violin, Cello & Pi*no 1.25 Two Violins, Cello & Piano J .50 Violin, Flute & Piano , 1.25 Two Violins, Flute & Piano 1.50 Violin, Cello, Flute & Piano 1.75 Two Violins, Cello, Flute & P«ano 2.00 Send for contents list ; also for catalogue of other collections for Violin & Piano, Two Violins & Piano, Violin, Cello & Piano, etc J. 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