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 8896 
 opy 1 
 
 How TO Get a 
 Divorce 
 
 IE DRAMATIC PUl 
 
 JG COMPANY 
 
'■'i^m 
 
HOW TO GET A DIVORCE 
 
 A FARCE IN ONE ACT 
 
 BY 
 
 FRANK IdUMONT 
 
 AUTHOR OF "FALSE COLORS," "THE LADY BARBER," "THE 
 CAKE WALK," ETC. 
 
 TWO Qm\L^ nttitWEP 
 
 CHICAGO 
 THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
As performed by Dumont's Minstrels. 
 
 CAST OF CHARACTERS. 
 
 Judge Alimony Dave Foy. 
 
 LAWYER Bleedem ( Divorce | % E. Murphy. 
 
 Lawyer Fleecem j Lawyers. ] Chas. Turner. 
 
 Officer OF the Court famesMcCool. 
 
 J. M. Kene. 
 
 Harry VoUmer. 
 
 J. E. Dempsey. 
 
 Merrill Rudolph. 
 
 James Roy. 
 
 Matt Wheeler. 
 } Fred. Wilson. 
 
 Mr. Mulligan . 
 Mrs. Mulligan 
 
 Mr. Younghusband... 
 
 Mrs. Younghusband.. 
 
 Mr. Easy 
 
 Mrs. Easy.. 
 
 Happy 
 
 coup)les 
 
 seeking 
 
 separation. 
 
 "The Baby" Joseph Perry. 
 
 The Jury and other bits of judicial bric-a-brac. 
 Plays fifteen minutes. 
 
 Copyright, 1897, by the Dramatic Publishing Company, Chicago. 
 
 Notice.— The professional acting rights of this play are reserved by 
 the publishers, from whom written permission must be obtained before 
 performance. All persons giving unauthorized productions will be 
 prosecuted to the full extent of the law. This notice does not apply to 
 amateurs, who may perform the play without permission, 
 
 >722. 
 
HOW TO GET A DIVORCE. 
 
 Scene.— PLAIN CHAMBER. 
 
 Platform to represent judge s bench, behind which are three 
 chairs for the judges. Two are occupied by Dummies. One 
 a real dummy ^ the other a inan made up to represe7tt a dum- 
 my. He is attired in suit too large for him, with straw pro- 
 truding from the legs and arms and wearing a false face. He 
 is always limp a7td lifeless throughout. Middle seat is left 
 vacant for Jvi6.ge, At opening of scette a jury is discovered 
 L. witness box R. C, witness box L. c, and court officer with 
 club slyly smoking a cigar and keeping •' order " R. c. He is 
 made up as an Irish Policeman. 
 
 Officer. Order in the court, order in the Divorce Court. 
 [Lawyer Fleecem enters l. i e., pocket full of documents. 
 Bows to Jury and sits L. of table in front of Judges stand. 
 Then enter 'L'^yr^^x Eleedem L. i '£.., very blustering. Bows 
 to every body, '\ 
 
 1az:w^^x B. Where's Judge Alimony ? 
 
 All. Yes, where 's Judge Alimony ? 
 
 Officer. Here comes the Judge. Hats off everybody. [Enter 
 Judge Alimony L. i e. This character can be performed in 
 Irish or German dialect. Judge bows to everybody. Takes 
 his seat between the dummies and raps for order. He dis- 
 covers that officer is smoking a cigar. "] 
 
 Judge. How dare you smoke in here ? Throw away that 
 cigar. [Officer throws butt of cigar C. Everybody scrambles 
 for it, JvL^gegets it and returns to seat, triumphantly smoking 
 ?V.] What's the first divorce case on the docket ? 
 
 Lawyer B. Mulligan versus Mulligan. 
 
 Judge. Call Mulligan abuses Mulligan. [Officer skips over 
 to L. E., and shouts in thick Irish dialect,'] 
 
 5 
 
6 HOW TO GET A DIVORCE. 
 
 Officer. Mulligan forninst Mulligan the Judge wants to see 
 you, come into coort ! {Skips back to R. C. Mr. Mulligan ««</ 
 Mrs. Mulligan, nn Irish couple enter y quarreling, L. i E.] 
 
 Judge. Take the witness stand. 
 
 Mulligan. Be dad and I will. [Grabs witness stand, and 
 attempts to carry it off Ij. OfSicex seizes him, clubs him, and 
 makes him replace it R. C. and get into it, Mrs. Mulligan in 
 witness box L. c.J 
 
 Judge. Who represents these Fenians ? 
 
 Lawyer B. 1 represent Mrs. Mulligan. 
 
 Lawyer F. I represent Mr. Mulligan. 
 
 Mrs. Mulligan. I want a divorce, and I don't care how soon 
 I get it. It's fashionable to get a divorce and 1 want one. If I 
 don't get it I'll clean out this court room. 
 
 Judge. Shut up ! 
 
 Mrs. Mulligan. Shut up yourself. Don't talk to me, you old 
 amadhawn ! If I don't get a divorce, I'll pull you off that perch, 
 and dance on your neck, so I will. 
 
 Mr. Mulligan. And she can do it. Judge, she's a holy 
 terror. 
 
 Mrs. Mulligan. Let me get at him ! {She tries to run across 
 stage with witness box, to get at Mulligan. The Officer inter- 
 poses to keep them quiet. Mulligan becomes excited and tries 
 to attack Mrs. Mulligan. The court is in a7t uproar. Mrs. 
 Mulligan reaches over and grabbing books, and papers, throws 
 them at Judge and Lawyers. Then she scrambles put of 
 witness box, and picks up a square box full of saw-dust, used 
 as a spittoon — and flings the contents {sawdust) all over the 
 Judge and Jury.] 
 
 Judge. Put that woman out. Here's your divorce. Take 
 it and get out. {Hands documents to Mrs. Mulligan.] 
 
 Mrs. Mulligan. Thanks, your honor. I'll kiss you for that. 
 {Climbs on table to reach Judge to kiss hitn, she is pulled 
 away by Officer and hustled out L. i E. Officer then grabs 
 Mulligan.] 
 
 Officer. What are you making all this noise for ? {Clubs 
 and hustles Mulligan out l. i e., then returns, and clubs some 
 of the Jury tmtil Judge shouts to him to stop it, and go to his 
 position. Judge then consults with the dummies, on his right 
 and left.'] 
 
 Judge. Call the next divorce case. 
 
 Lawyer B. Mr. and Mrs. Younghusband. 
 
 Lawyer F. I represent the wife. 
 
 Judge. Call Mr. and Mrs. Younghusband. 
 
HOW TO GET A DIVORCE. 7 
 
 Officer. [C] Mr. and Mrs. Freshhusband come into coort. 
 [Skips back to R. c. Mr. and Mrs. Younghusband enter l. i e. 
 Mr. y. goes to box R. c. Mrs. Y. into box l. c] 
 
 Lawyer F. Your honor this is a most heart-rending case. 
 The brutality of that man is something appalling. He has 
 trodden upon that poor woman, starved her, and denied her 
 anything to make life even bearable. 
 
 Judge. \To husband. Oh, you villain, I wish I could reach 
 you with this. [Tries to hit him ivith mallet. '\ Madam, tell 
 your story to the jury. 
 
 Mrs. Younghusband. Well, this man allows my mother to 
 live with us and never murmurs. He buys me all the new 
 dresses I need, and gives me all the spending money I ask for. 
 He allows me to have my own way in everything, and tries to 
 be loving and attentive at all times. He has never said a cross 
 word to me since we were married. 
 
 Judge. \To husband.'] Oh, you monster. 1*11 have you 
 kicked to death by grasshoppers. [Tries to hit husband with 
 mallet, then picks up a croquet ?nallet with long handle aiid 
 comes near striking husband. To wife.] And he used to 
 strike you and abuse you ? 
 
 Mrs. Young. [Laughs?^ Oh, no. He didn't dare say his 
 life was his own. 1 used to wipe the floor up with him. 
 
 Judge. [To husband^ You son of a gun ! Oh you double 
 dyed villain. Take him out in the jail yard and hang him ! 
 Hang him — he isn't fit to live. To abuse that poor little angel ! 
 Oh, you rascal. Get out of my sight. Officer, soak him good ! 
 [Officer grabs husband-— clubs and thumps him savagely and 
 throws him out L. i E.] Sweetest of your sex. Here's your 
 divorce, [Gives paper.] 
 
 Mrs. Young. Oh Judge, you are so kind — I'd like to kiss 
 you ! 
 
 Judge. I'll see you after court. [Hits dumtnies to his right 
 and left with mallet and his hands.] What are you fellows 
 laughing at ? I'll give her all the divorces in this court if I want 
 to! 
 
 Mrs. Young. Ta, ta ! Judge. [Throws kisses to him. 
 Lawyers and officers all caper about flirting with her. Judge 
 stands up — throws kisses to her, and hit dummies in his 
 frenzy. Mrs. Y. flounces out throwing kisses to everybody. 
 Officer in his excitemetit raps Lawyer B. over the head. Law- 
 yer ^t^^'&va jumps and appeals to Judge.] 
 
 Lawyer B. Your honor I've been struck. 
 
 Judge. Sit down — sit down or I'll knock you down, [Aims 
 
8 HOW TO GET A DIVORCE. 
 
 blow at Lawyer with mallet.'] It's mashing in this court. 
 Officer ! keep quiet or I'll go down there and soak you good. 
 What is the next case ? 
 
 Lawyer P. Mrs. Easy who seeks a divorce from Mr. Easy. 
 
 Judge. Well, that's easy. How much did you get out of 
 it? 
 
 Lawyer P. One hundred dollars. 
 
 Judge. Whack up — or you don't get any divorce out of this 
 court, [Lawyer demurs, but hands cash to Judge.] That's 
 business- — now I'm with you. This court is not in the divorce 
 business for fun. Bring in the burglars. 
 
 Lawyer F. Not burglars, your honor. 
 
 Judge. Oh, no ! I was thinking of you and the other liar. 
 {To Officer.] Call Mr. and Mrs. Easy Street. 
 
 Officer. [C.J Easy there and Easy here — come in the whole 
 two both of yees. 
 
 Enter Mr. and Mrs. Easy l. i e. Easy into box r. Mrs. Easy 
 into box L. 
 
 Lawyer F. This case calls for your tears, Judge, and for 
 your tears. Jury. Here is a brute who never went away from 
 home or refused his wife anything. He let her flirt with other 
 men and never kicked. Oh, your honor ! words choke me — my 
 heart is too full, I'm too full for utterance. 
 
 Judge. I thought so. 
 
 Lawyer F. I can only weep for her wrongs. {Cries.'] 
 Grant her a divorce and give all the money this man owns to 
 her. Oh your honor — this is sad — sad — very sad. [Lawyer 
 cries— starts the Jury crying. The Officer cries. Mr, and 
 Mrs. Easy cry. Then the Jud^e cries.] 
 
 Judge. \To dummies.] Cry! you fellows cry! {Wipes 
 their eyes with his 'kerchief. A general uproar of weeping 
 follows. Officer wrings out 'kerchief in which there is a wet 
 sponge concealed.] 
 
 Lawyer F. It's pretty tough when a lawyer cries ! [Judge 
 raps for order.] 
 
 Judge. I give her a dozen divorces and as for that man — 
 put him in prison tor one hundred and sixty years. If he dies 
 before his time expires, his father will have to serve out his 
 sentence. {Gives papers to "^X^, Easy.] There's a whole lot 
 divorces for you, madam. 
 
 Mrs. Easy. Who gets our little baby ? 
 
 Judge. A baby ? Bring in the baby. 
 
 Mrs. Easy. {Calling,] Come baby — come to mamma. \^A 
 tall six foot man attired as a little girl runs in from L. i E. 
 
HOW TO GET A DIVORCE. 9 
 
 and jumps into Mrs. Easy's arms. At this moment Mrs. 
 Alimony enters L. i E. shouting " where is he ? "] 
 
 Judge. Oh ! my wife ! [Trembles.] 
 
 Mrs. Alimony. You're so free giving all these women 
 divorces, now I want one myself. Come off that bench you big 
 pudding-head ! [Knocks dowft Officer also Lawyers who seek 
 to catch and hold her. She throws books, etc, a/ Judge. Then 
 fires pistol at left hand dummy %uhich is pulled up by string 
 at pistol shot. Judge comes down wrestling with the other 
 dummy and throws it down C. and kicks it. Suddenly the 
 du7nmy {Live man) jumps to his feet, knocks down Judge, 
 Officer, Lawyers arid everybody within reach. Mr. and Mrs. 
 Easy tvith the " baby " are at back, everybody trying to save 
 themselves from Judge's wife who is tipping over chairs, 
 tablet ^i<^'% <^^^ th^ animated dummy who is C] 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
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