Class. 
 
 Book. 3 2 
 
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 COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 
 
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 '-'*^»''^ ?>1W*'^^.', 
 
 
 
 «lif 
 
 FIFTY 
 FABLES 
 
 FOR 
 TEACHERS 
 
 SYRACUSE, N. Y. 
 C. W. BARDEEN. PUBLISHER 
 
A 
 
 V 
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY C. W BARDEEN 
 
 .A261548 
 
PREFACE 
 
 Since Aesop has been convicted of plagiarism 
 I shall not claim originality for these stories. 
 A few of them I have never heard elsewhere 
 but they may have occurred to hundreds of 
 people. Two or three of them are real experi- 
 ences of my own, but they may have happened 
 to others too. The final one is an actual dream, 
 reported with little elaboration, but a dream 
 is only a kaleidoscopic effect, and others may 
 have had the same bits of glass and turned over 
 in bed the same number of times. Most of 
 them are plainly adaptations to the schoolroom 
 of ordinary newspaper stories. It is inevitable 
 that to every reader some of these will seem 
 ancient, so I have thrown in nearly a score 
 extra, hoping that the average person who 
 glances through the book will still find fifty 
 with a little dew on them. 
 
 To every reader it will seem that the book 
 would be more enjoyable if the nineteen stale 
 stories were omitted. The trouble is that the 
 nineteen are not the same to any two. I have 
 tried the experiment with several, and found 
 that what one advised omitting another laughed 
 over the most heartily. So each must do his 
 
4 Preface 
 
 own despising. Anybody who has tried to be 
 funny before an audience is famiUar with the 
 dilemma that, however the story is told, part 
 of the audience will sit obtuse because they 
 do not grasp the point, while others will sniff 
 contemptuously because they anticipate the 
 point too easily. The points here are not sub- 
 tle, and where the reader finds a story familiar 
 he may easily pass on to the next. 
 
 In her sketchy little illustrations Miss Sher- 
 wood has caught the spirit happily, and I hope 
 her pictures, to which I have added a few others 
 from other sources, will add to the reader's 
 enjoyment. I have thrown in a few songs with- 
 out words, not original or connected with the 
 text, hoping to lure even the reader who does 
 not like the stories into turning over the pages. 
 
 If anybody thinks the book as a whole re- 
 flects upon teachers as a class let him read it 
 a second time. There are some silly teachers 
 depicted, but there are some sagacious ones too, 
 and some lovable ones. It is possible that 
 young teachers will find here and there a hint 
 worth heeding. 
 
 C. W. Bardeen 
 
 Syracuse, Jan. 2, 1910 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 1 Examinations and the gold in the sea 7 
 
 2 The Schoolmaster and the Creation 8 
 
 3 The Candidate and the Ready-made Reply 9 
 
 4 The Young Physician and his Complacency 13 
 
 5 The Boy and the Bigger Fool 14 
 
 6 Science and Mixed Drinks 16 
 
 7 The Schoolmaster and the Drunken Man 17 
 
 8 The Pronunciation and the Reason for it 21 
 
 9 The Schoolmaster and the Time When 22 
 
 10 The Schoolmaster and the Listener 24 
 
 11 The College President and his Recommendation 25 
 
 12 The Schoolmaster and the Telephone 26 
 
 13 The Boiler and the Steam Whistle 28 
 
 14 The Boy and the Broken Words 30 
 
 15 The Schoolmaster and the Compliment 32 
 
 16 The Precession and the Procession 34 
 
 17 Mr. and Prof. 35 
 
 18 The Schoolmaster and the Presidents 39 
 
 19 The Whipping and the Cure 40 
 
 20 The Schoolmaster and the Clock 42 | 
 
 21 The Tutor and the Jackass 44 
 
 22 The Teacher and the Driver 46 
 
 23 The Schoolteacher and the Tinker 51 
 
 24 The Desert and the Bald Pate 52 
 
 25 The Schoolmaster and the Schoolboard 54 
 
 26 The Teacher and the Object-lesson 57 
 
 27 The Young Teacher and Dr. Harris 58 
 
 28 The State Association and Self-advertisement 62 
 
 29 John who Talked and John who was Heard 63 
 
 30 The Schoolteacher and the Morgue 67 
 
 31 The Woman and the Mc Guffin 69 
 
 32 Tact and Talent 72 
 
 33 The Schoolteacher and the Sunshine 75 
 
 34 The Teacher and the Flea 76 
 
6 Contents 
 
 35 The Eighth Ward School and Heaven 78 
 
 36 The Lion's Skin and the Donkey 80 
 
 37 The Kiss and the Pretty Girl 87 
 
 38 The Pupil and his Latter End 88 
 
 39 The Pupil and the Decimal Point 89 
 
 40 The Prisoner and the Chaplain 90 
 
 41 The Schoolmaster and Janus 92 
 
 42 The Candidate and the Red Violet 94 
 
 43 The Schoolmaster and his I's 
 
 44 The Teacher and the Railway Train 96 
 
 45 The Candidate and the Mince-pie 98 
 
 46 Hoke Smith and God Almighty 99 
 
 47 The Devil and his First Choice 102 
 
 48 The Schoolmaster and the Chalk 103 
 
 49 The Hen and the Corner-stone 105 
 
 50 The Wig and the Head in it 108 
 
 51 The Maid and her Mistress 110 
 
 52 Miss Spinks and the Finishing Touch 111 
 
 53 The Head and the Hat 114 
 
 54 The Corpse and the Unshelled Corn 116 
 
 55 The Old Maid and the Schoolboard 118 
 
 56 Sahara and the Teacher's Coat-collar 120 
 
 57 The Dropped Book and the Turn to Recite 122 
 
 58 The Schoolmaster and the Chimpanzee 124 
 
 59 Revenge and the Boxing-gloves 126 
 
 60 The Schoolmaster and the Two Keys 132 
 
 61 The Schoolboy and the Two Spellings 133 
 
 62 The Elevator and the Two Directions 134 
 
 63 The Superintendent and his Limitations 135 
 
 64 The Nagging Teacher and Pegasus 137 
 
 65 The Schoolmaster and Charles I 138 
 
 66 The Teacher-picker and the New Place 139 
 
 67 The Schoolmaster and George Washington 140 
 
 68 The Schoolmaster and the Angel 141 
 
 69 The Teacher and the Judgment-roll 143 
 
FIFTY FAELES FOR TEACHEEJS 
 
 I 
 
 A class teacher whose pupils did not 
 pass the regents examinations to any- 
 great extent complained to the principal 
 that under the examination system edu- 
 cation was reduced to cramming and had 
 lost all its breadth. 
 
 ''Did you know," he asked, "that there 
 is more gold in the water of the ocean 
 than in all the world beside ?" 
 
 *'Yes," she said, because she never 
 owned up there was anything she did not 
 know. 
 
 "Which do you think would be better 
 to pay your board with," he asked, "all 
 the water in the ocean or a five-dollar 
 gold-piece?" 
 
8 Fifty Fables 
 
 **A five-dollar gold-piece," she replied. 
 
 "Well," he said, '*it is just the same 
 with knowledge; it doesn't make any 
 drfference how much there is of it if you 
 can't get at it." 
 
 This fable does not teach much of any- 
 thing. Those that are smart enough to 
 learn anything from it know it already. 
 II 
 
 A teacher who had been elected prin- 
 cipal of a new school found fault with 
 everything his predecessor had done. 
 His scholars stood it a while, but one day 
 when he asked his class why man was so 
 imperfect, a little boy said, '*! suppose it 
 was because God made him before you 
 were bom and couldn't do it your way." 
 
 This fable shows that some little pitch- 
 ers have mouths that come to a point. 
 
Ill 
 
 A candidate for principalship was asked 
 by the president of the board, ''Suppose 
 you come here, who is to run the school, 
 you or the board of education?" 
 
 As the president glared at him fiercely 
 the young man hastened to reply: "Why 
 the board of education, of course. I 
 should consider myself simply their ex- 
 ecutive ofhcer." 
 
 ''That's all I want to know," thundered 
 the president; "if you don't know more 
 about running the school than a lot of us 
 business men and doctors and lawyers, 
 we don't want you." 
 
 At the next place he applied for, this 
 candidate happened to be asked the same 
 question, so he profited by his experience. 
 (9) 
 
10 
 
 Fifty Fables 
 
 *'l am to run the school," he said. **If I 
 don't know more about it than a lot of 
 you business men and doctors and law- 
 yers, you don't want me." 
 
 **H — m," said the president. **How 
 long have you been out of college ?" 
 
The Candidate and the Ready-made Reply 11 
 
 **Just graduated, sir." 
 
 * 'Ever taught?" 
 
 "No, sir, but—" 
 
 **Ever visited schools except as a 
 scholar?" 
 
 "No, sir, but—" 
 
 ■^'Ever selected any teachers?" 
 
 ''No, sir, but—" 
 
 "Ever made out a course of study ?" 
 
 "No, sir, but—" 
 
 "Ever made a comparative study of 
 text-books?" 
 
 "No, sir, but—" 
 
 "Ever looked into the relative merits 
 of different kinds of school furniture ?" 
 
 "No, sir, but—" 
 
 "Ever watched the growth of a school 
 into a development that fitted its partic- 
 ular community so that it made the most 
 
12 Fifty Fables 
 
 out of just the boys and girls it had to 
 deal with, under just the conditions that 
 surrounded it ?" 
 
 "No, sir, but—" 
 
 "Well, sir, all this is what we business 
 men and doctors and lawyers on this 
 
 board have been doing for twenty years, 
 and we think we know more about run- 
 ning this school than any callow graduate 
 just out of college. Good morning, sir." 
 
The Young Physician and his Complacency 13 
 
 "Yes, sir, but—" 
 ''Good morning, sir." 
 This fable shows that you can't most 
 always sometimes tell. 
 
 IV 
 
 A young physician whose first case had 
 to do with the increase of population was 
 asked how he got on. ''Well," he replied 
 cheerfully, "the child died, and the mother 
 died, but by the grace of God I hope to 
 pull the old man through. ' ' 
 
 This fable explains the complacency 
 some teachers feel at the end of the term 
 if the school-house is still standing. 
 
V 
 
 A pupil who had been badgered by an 
 impatient and stupid teacher till he could 
 bear it no longer, cried out, *'If you will 
 only tell me what you want. Miss John- 
 son, I will do it for you." 
 
 "I want you to bring me a bigger fool, 
 than you are," said the teacher. 
 
 "In a minute," said the boy; and going- 
 to the principal told him Miss Johnson 
 wanted to see him. When the principal, 
 who was so far from being a fool that he 
 was always ready to listen, even to a 
 pupil, heard what had summoned him, 
 he turned to the boy and asked : 
 
 ''Why do you think I am a bigger fool 
 than you are?" 
 
 "Because you endure Miss Johnson 
 when you might get rid of her," said the 
 boy. "I stand her only because I can't 
 help it." 
 
 (14) 
 
The Boy and th-e Bigger Fool 
 
 15' 
 
 This fable shows that sometimes when- 
 the worm turns it stings. 
 
VI 
 
 Standing on top of a high hill and look- 
 ing at a gorgeous sunset, a mother asked: 
 ''What does that remind you of?" 
 
 **0 I know," cried the well-taught 
 school-girl, clapping her hands, *' it looks 
 just like papa's stomach after he has 
 drunk a glass of claret." 
 
 This fable teaches that science and tem- 
 perance reform in combination have the 
 usual effect of mixed drinks. 
 
 (16) 
 
VII 
 
 A conceited and opinionated school- 
 master, accustomed to browbeat his 
 pupils into acquiescing in all he said, got 
 into a dispute with an intoxicated man 
 
 whose wits were still nimble enough for 
 argument, and finding that he was out- 
 matched exclaimed: 
 
 "O I can't afford to talk with you; 
 you're drimk." 
 
 (17) 
 
18 
 
 Fifty Fables 
 
 **Y-yes," replied the other; "I'm 
 d-d-drunk; I know I'm d-drunk. 'Sh 
 bad thing— b-bad thing. But sh'ere, 
 m' fren', I sh'l get over that. T'morrer 
 momin' I sh'l be a'right, a'right. But 
 you, you're a d-d-dam fool, 'n you'll 
 never get over that." 
 
 This fable shows how that sort of teach- 
 er looks to his scholars when they are 
 grown up. 
 
 See page 23. 
 
VIII 
 
 A gruff teacher who prided himself 
 upon his sarcasm was giving a lesson upon 
 vehicles. One boy named the brougham, 
 pronouncing it in two syllables. 
 
 **John," said the master, *'why don't 
 you pronounce that word broom? The 
 boys will understand you better and you 
 will save a syllable." 
 
 Presently the master himself named 
 the omnibus. 
 
 "Teacher," said John, **why don't you 
 pronounce that word 'bus? The pupils 
 will understand you better and you will 
 save two syllables." 
 
 This fable shows that if the teacher 
 wanders from the path of pedagogic prin- 
 ciples the pupils will tumble over one 
 another's heels to follow him across the 
 wall. 
 
 (21) 
 
IX 
 
 * 'There, Thomas," said the teacher lay- 
 
 "How old were you, when you began?' 
 (22) 
 
The Schoolmaster and the Time When 23 
 
 ing down the ruler and releasing the little 
 boy's hand, "I hope you will never again 
 be guilty of a falsehood. When I was of 
 your age I never thought of telling a lie," 
 
 *'H-h-h-h-how old were you when you 
 began ?" asked Tommy between his sobs, 
 his curiosity aroused. 
 
 This fable suggests that the bearin's o' 
 this observation lies in the takin's of it. 
 
 See page 50 
 
X 
 
 A pompous schoolmaster was showing 
 off a class before visitors. **Now Thom- 
 as," he said to one of them, wishing to 
 
 parade his demonstration of physiology, 
 * 'what are you doing, learning something ?' ' 
 
 (24) 
 
The College President and his Recommendation 25 
 
 *'No, sir," said Thomas respectfiilly, 
 **I am listening to you." 
 
 This fable shows that the most effective 
 reproofs are often unconscious. 
 
 XI 
 
 A college president to whom a candi- 
 date for a western Superintendency had 
 referred replied: 
 
 **I am placed in an embarrassing po- 
 sition; I can't say anything good of him, 
 and I don't want to say anything bad of 
 him that will prevent his leaving the 
 state." 
 
 This fable teaches that a man may 
 sometimes save railroad fare by referring 
 to people who know him better than he 
 thinks they do. 
 
XII 
 
 A young principal, proud in his little 
 authority and much inclined to brow- 
 
 (26) 
 
The Schoolmaster and the Telephone 27 
 
 beat his assistants, took especial pains to 
 show ofE when a young lady whom he ad- 
 mired was visiting the school. He called 
 some directions down through the speak- 
 ing-tube to a primary teacher who had 
 been recently employed and had not yet 
 learned that she had no rights which a 
 principal is bound to respect. The direc- 
 tions were not clear to her, and when he 
 gave them angrily and confusedly the 
 second time she still replied that she 
 did not understand what he wanted. So 
 then he called down blusteringly : 
 
 **Is there a blithering idiot at the end 
 of this speaking-tube?" 
 
 Perfectly respectful in tone, but reso- 
 lute and clear as a bell and audible to 
 every one in the room the voice came 
 back throught the tube : 
 
28 Fifty Fables 
 
 *'Not at this end, sir." 
 
 This fable teaches that it is an excellent 
 habit for teachers to limit their state- 
 ments to facts of which they have 
 positive knowledge. 
 
 XIII 
 
 A school commissioner who had been 
 visiting a school in which a young princi- 
 pal was doing his first teaching, grew 
 more and more impatient as he observed 
 how constantly the teacher talked and 
 how little he said. 
 
 "Mr. Blank," he remarked, **you re- 
 mind me of a lawyer to whom Abraham 
 Lincoln was opposed, and who in his ad^ 
 dress to the jury talked all over Robin 
 Hodd's bam. When Mr. Lincoln rose to 
 reply, he began: 'Gentlemen of the jury, 
 you have heard about everything that 
 
The Boiler and the Steam Whistle 29 
 
 has occured since the creation of the 
 world except the few things that happen 
 to pertain to this case. But it isn't my 
 learned brother's fault. He was born 
 that way. He is one of those men in 
 whom when the tongue begins to wag the 
 brain ceases to act. He reminds me of a 
 steamboat we used to have on the river, 
 with a five-horse boiler and a seven-horse 
 whistle: when she whistled her engine 
 stopped. Now my learned brother whis- 
 tles all the time, so he doesn't get any- 
 where." 
 
 This fable teaches that the school com- 
 missioner was not a candidate for ap- 
 proaching re-election. 
 
XIV 
 
 A^schoolmaster who knew boys pretty 
 
 well was dealing with a youngster so im- 
 pulsive that in speech he was given to 
 pouring out words so heedlessly as to 
 stutter, and in conduct to denying [^off- 
 hand anything he was accused of and 
 then to repenting and confessing at lei- 
 sure. The master had seen him prompt 
 
 (30) 
 
The Boy and the Broken Words 31 
 
 another boy in recitation, and after school 
 had called him up in private. 
 
 ''Jones," said the master, ''did you 
 coach Jenkins in the Caesar class ?" 
 
 "N-n-n-n-n — " Jones began to reply. 
 
 "Hold on, Jones," interrupted the mas- 
 ter; "don't deny this. I saw you do it." 
 
 "But I di-di-di-di — " began the boy 
 again, shaking his head violently as if 
 trying to loosen the denial that had got 
 caught between his teeth. 
 
 "Well, Jones," said the master, resign- 
 edly, "if you are bound to answer before 
 stopping to think what you ought to an- 
 swer, I am glad it is your word you are 
 breaking up into pieces, not mine." 
 
 This struck the boy in a new light, and 
 he laughed, confessed, and apologized 
 without stuttering. 
 
32 Fifty Fables 
 
 This fable teaches that to turn the right 
 kind of a joke upon the right kind of a boy 
 is often the most effective means of dis- 
 cipHne. 
 
 XV 
 
 A conceited schoolmaster who never 
 missed an opportunity to show off called 
 on the father of one of his pupils, who was 
 also president of the board of education, 
 and found him getting in hay. 
 
 "I used to be the best man in my town 
 to pitch hay on a cart," he said; **let me 
 show you how I used to do it." 
 
 The farmer was nothing loath, for a 
 shower was coming up; so the school- 
 master pulled off his coat and vest and 
 pitched away for dear life, the farmer en- 
 couraging him by occasional flattering 
 remarks whenever he showed signs of 
 weariness. 
 
The Schoolmaster and the Compliment 33 
 
 In school, the next day, the school- 
 master said: ''Harry, your father thinks I 
 am a pretty good farmer, doesn't he ?" 
 
 "Yes, sir," replied the boy; he says you 
 are a whole team and a yaller dog under 
 the wagon." 
 
34 Fifty Fables 
 
 **Did he say anything else, Henry?" 
 continued the flattered schoolmaster. 
 
 **Yes, sir; he says as far as he can see 
 you are better at ever}^ other trade than 
 you are at your own." 
 
 This fable teaches that fishing for com- 
 pliments some times fetches up an eel. 
 XVI 
 
 An institute conductor had been ex- 
 plaining the precession of the equinoxes. 
 When he had finished he asked: **Now is 
 this perfectly clear to you all ?" 
 
 The teachers all nodded except one, 
 and this one said: *' I understand it clear- 
 ly, except one thing; when you are adding 
 there, why do you carry one for every 
 ten?" 
 
 This fable teaches that it often seems 
 to be good walking overhead. 
 
XVII 
 
 At an institute as some of the teachers 
 were registering at a hotel the conductor 
 happened to observe that one young 
 training-class graduate teaching his first 
 term signed his name, 
 
 *Trof. Henry Smith, Frog's Hollow.'^ 
 
 When he had opportunity the conduc- 
 tor drew the young man off for a stroll. 
 
 **I notice that you prefix 'professor' to 
 your name," he said. *'I wonder if you 
 have read one of the stories about that 
 title in a recent magazine." 
 
 **Why, no, I guess not," the young man 
 replied; **I don't remember seeing any." 
 
 ''It referred to Booker Washington's 
 work," the conductor said. "One of the 
 leading white men down there was asked 
 
 (35) 
 
36 Fifty Fables 
 
 how he addressed Booker Washington 
 when he met him. *To tell the truth,' 
 he replied, *I don't meet him if I can help 
 it. Now that he is educated and become 
 a prominent man I can't call out, *' Hal- 
 loa, you coon," or ''Here, you dam nig- 
 ger," as I used to, and I wonH call a 
 nigger Mr.; so when I go by him I just 
 split the difference and say, ''Good morn- 
 ing, Professor.'" — So you see," the con- 
 ductor concluded, "we've got the pro- 
 fessor located — half way between 'Mr.' 
 and 'You dam nigger'. It seems to me 
 a man who is teaching school under a 
 license given by the State of New York 
 is high enough up in the social scale to be 
 called full Mr." 
 
 This fable teaches that Mr. is a pretty 
 good title for those who can live up to it. 
 
"There weren't many of them t'len. 
 
XVIII 
 
 A teacher who had been in charge of a 
 9th grade room since the oldest inhabi- 
 tant could remember, and who had grown 
 weazened in mind, in body, and in temper 
 (as some teachers do with advancing 
 years, but not all of them, thank heaven) , 
 said peevishly to a girl who had failed to 
 name the presidents of the United States, 
 ''Why, when I was of your age I could call 
 them all off as fast as I could talk." 
 
 **Yes," replied the girl, ''but there 
 weren't many of them then." 
 
 This fable teaches that if you show the 
 young girl an opening she is apt to crawl 
 in. 
 
 (39) 
 
XIX 
 
 A schoolmaster who boasted of doing 
 without corporal punishment but who had 
 never found any satisfactory substitute 
 and allowed himself to be harassed by un- 
 ruly boys, was one day descanting on his 
 favorite topic before visitors. 
 
 **Why, when I was a boy," he said, 
 **the teacher used to whip us for every- 
 thing and for nothing. Once he whipped 
 me for telling the truth. What do you 
 think of that, John?" he added, addres- 
 sing a big lout of a boy who was throwing 
 paper wads. 
 
 **I think it cured you, all right," replied 
 John carelessly; and the schoolmaster 
 was puzzled how to maintain his theory 
 and at the same time rise to the exigen- 
 cies of the occasion. 
 
 (40) 
 
The Whipping and the Cure 
 
 41 
 
 This fable teaches that loose reins are 
 safe only when the team is under thorough 
 control. 
 
42 
 
 Fifty Fables 
 
 Tick-tick, tick-tick.' 
 
XX 
 
 A schoolmaster with a much better re- 
 putation for running up bills than for 
 paying them, was scolding a pupil for the 
 disorder of his desk. 
 
 '*A place for everything and everything 
 in its place, Henry," he said; *'in my 
 house everything goes like clock-work." 
 
 ''So I have been told," said Henry, 
 with a mischievous smile at the other 
 boys. 
 
 "What do you mean, sir?" asked the 
 master. 
 
 **Why, I have been told that everything 
 you get is on tick-tick. ' ' 
 
 This fable shows that if there are weak 
 places in your armour, your boys will 
 discover them. \ 
 
 (43) \ 
 
XXI 
 
 A college tutor fond of boasting of his 
 own achievements and suspected of some- 
 times drawing the long bow was telling 
 the class how he had squeezed his way up 
 a narrow path in a fissure between two 
 rocks eight inches apart and seventy-five 
 feet high, 
 
 **What do you think of that, gentle- 
 men ?" he concluded. 
 
 **It makes me think . of some verses 
 about a mining region out west," said one 
 student respectfully. ''They read: 
 *"The road was not passable. 
 Not even Jackassable.' 
 
 "Your road wasn't quite so bad as that, 
 was it?" 
 
 The other students looked respectful, 
 too, but there was something in the at- 
 
 (44) 
 
The Tutor and the Jackass 
 
 45 
 
 mosphere that led the tutor to change 
 the subject. 
 
 This fable teaches that they that ob- 
 serve lying vanities forsake their own 
 mercy. 
 
XXII 
 
 A recently appointed superintendent 
 on his first round of visits entered a room 
 
 "Quiet! Quiet! QDIET !" 
 
 (46) 
 
The Teacher and the Driver 47 
 
 just as the pupils were filing out for recess. 
 "Quiet! there, quiet!" shouted the 
 teacher, made more nervous than usual 
 by the feeling that she was under inspec- 
 tion. * 'Johnny Gray, keep in line, or you 
 will stay after school. Don't shuffle so. 
 Stop!" And she struck the bell in her 
 hands a dozen times. ''Now if you don't 
 go out more orderly I shall send you all 
 back to your seats. Once more, now, 
 forward, left-right, left-right, left-right — 
 there. Henry Jones, you are out of step 
 again; take your seat and stay in — left- 
 right, left-right — Quiet! QUIET! 
 QUIET!" 
 
 When they were all gone and the teach- 
 er had begun to apologize, remarking 
 that they were the rudest^and most bois- 
 terous scholars she ever saw, the super- 
 intendent said to her: 
 
48 
 
 Fifty Fables 
 
 **I was on the front seat of an open car 
 this morning, and we were stopped at the 
 railway crossing for a long train to go by. 
 A dozen teams drove up while we were 
 there, and I was interested to see the va- 
 rious ways in which the drivers controlled 
 their horses. Most of them not only 
 shouted 'Whoa!' but pulled the reins and 
 backed the horses more or less. One 
 
 9 ■■^*' f 
 
 ^i2»- — i 
 
 ,, 
 
 fer''^~-=^^@ 
 
 m 
 
 woman not only pulled the reins but 
 yanked them, and kept sawing the bits 
 all the time she was kept waiting. Pres- 
 
The Teacher and the Driver 49 
 
 ently a man drove up with a handsome 
 young spirited horse. The reins lay 
 lightly on the horse's back; even when 
 the horse's head had passed the back- 
 board of the wagon ahead the man did not 
 lift the reins; he simply said 'Whoa', in a 
 gentle soothing voice . The horse stopped 
 instantly and stood quietly, listening with 
 alert ears for a further command. When 
 the train had passed the driver said, 
 'Now, Jack,' as though he was talking to 
 a friend, and the horse instantly started, 
 the reins lying still unmoved upon his 
 back. The woman who had been yank- 
 ing her horses struck them two or three 
 times with a whip before they started. 
 Which do you think knew best how to 
 manage horses?" 
 
50 Fifty Fables 
 
 ''Humph! horses have some intelli- 
 gence/' replied the teacher who had been 
 listening impatiently. 
 
 *'So have some of their drivers," said 
 the superintendent, turning on his heel. 
 
 This fable shows that unless there was 
 a tenure of office law there the teacher 
 was looking around for a place the next 
 summer. 
 
 See page 91. 
 
XXIII 
 
 A primary teacher who prided herself 
 on teaching manners and morals as well 
 as reading was astonished, when a very 
 plain woman who had just been elected 
 to the school-board came in, to hear one 
 of her little girls exclaim to the visitor : 
 
 *'My! but you're homely!" 
 
 "Henrietta," the teacher said, *'do you 
 think it is a kind and polite thing to say 
 that?" 
 
 ''O I only said it for a joke," replied the 
 little girl, abashed. 
 
 *'But think how much better a joke it 
 would have been to say, *My ! but you're 
 handsome!" said the teacher. 
 
 This fable shows that not every tinker 
 succeeds in mending matters. 
 
 (51) 
 
XXIV 
 A bald-headed superintendent was 
 trying to help out a young teacher by ex- 
 plaining to a class beginning geography 
 what a desert is. "It is a place where 
 nothing will grow," he said. "There is 
 
 (52) 
 
The Desert and the Bald Pate 53 
 
 just one broad expanse, absolutely, hope- 
 lessly bare. Have you ever seen anything 
 of that sort?" 
 
 There was no response, but two or three 
 of the pupils looked roguishly at one an- 
 other. 
 
 **Come," he said, ''you must have seen 
 some place of this sort; tell me about it." 
 
 "I know one thing like that," a little 
 girl suggested. 
 
 "What is it?" 
 
 "The top of your head." 
 
 This fable teaches that in framing a 
 question the possibilities of children's an- 
 swers should be considered. 
 
XXV 
 
 A principal who had been summoned 
 before the teachers' committee for in- 
 efficiency began to excuse himself. **If 
 I only had a new building," he said, 
 ''and if the school were in a more cultur- 
 ed part of the city, and if the sentiment 
 of the community — " 
 
 "O blank your if's," interrupted the 
 chairman; "if I had Lake Erie in hell I 
 could sell it for ten cents a drink, but that 
 doesn't give me any more credit at the 
 bank. ' ' And the principal was dismissed. 
 
 This fable shows that if only women 
 were elected on boards of education a 
 good deal of coarse language would be 
 avoided. 
 
 (54) 
 
XXVI 
 
 An ill-natured teacher who was in a per- 
 functory way conducting a development 
 lesson was seeking to lead the class up to 
 the word "breathing". "What did I do 
 the moment I came into the world?" he 
 asked. "What have I kept doing ever 
 since ? What can I not stop doing with- 
 out ceasing to be myself?" 
 
 The class was listless and nobody tried 
 to answer for a w^hile. Finally one mis- 
 chievous looking girl raised her hand. 
 
 "What is it?" asked the teacher. 
 
 "Finding fault," was the reply, and all 
 the class showed signs of animation. 
 
 This fable shows that there are advan- 
 tages in written answers. 
 
 (57) 
 
XXVII 
 
 A city superintendent was visiting one 
 of the outlying four-room buildings, 
 where the principal had been recently 
 taken in from the country and was inclined 
 to wear a hat somewhat larger than Na- 
 ture had made necessary. In discus- 
 sing something about the courses of study 
 the superintendent had remarked: "You 
 know Dr. Harris says that the acquire- 
 ment of the rudiments works a more 
 potent change in the individual than any 
 subsequent step in his culture." 
 
 "Dr. Harris?" repeated the principal, 
 inquiringly; "some physician here ?" 
 
 "No, the commissioner of education." 
 
 "O," said the principal. "Well, I did 
 not know that he said it, but it seems sen- 
 sible. I believe he is right. In fact," he 
 
 (58) 
 
The Young Teacher and Dr. Harris 59 
 
 added, magnanimously, ''I endorse him 
 fully." 
 
 The superintendent looked at him curi- 
 ously. **You remind me," he said, "of a 
 man in Pennsylvania, John Hunter. He 
 was a blacksmith, originally, but he got 
 to repairing wagons and did it so well that 
 he began to make wagons, and he built 
 them so well that by-and-by he had a 
 wagon- factory, and his trade increased 
 until he put up some more buildings, and 
 presently a village grew up, and he built 
 more factories, and boarding houses, and 
 dwellings for workmen. He gave funds 
 for public schools, he built an opera- 
 house, he established a bank, and in fact 
 he was pretty nearly the whole village of 
 Hunterville. 
 
 * 'There was in the village a ne'er-do- 
 
'You will have to indorse this. 
 
The Young Teacher and Dr. Harris 6 1 
 
 well named Tim Sweeney, who was large- 
 ly dependent upon charity for his support. 
 He had done some little service for Mr. 
 Hunter, and, as Christmas was approach- 
 ing, instead of giving him the dollar that 
 it was worth, Mr. Hunter gave him a check 
 for $10 on the Hunterville bank. Tim 
 had never handled a check before, but he 
 went to the bank and offered it. The 
 teller looked at it and turned it over. 
 'You will have to indorse this,' he said. 
 
 "'What is that?' . 
 
 '''Write your name on the back.' 
 
 "So Tim wrote his name on the back 
 and he got his money. But as he went 
 down the street he seemed thoughtful, 
 and he stopped the first man he met. 
 'You know they say John Hunter^is aw- 
 fully rich,' he said. 
 
 "'Yes,' was the response, 'sojhe is. 
 He owns about the whole village.' 
 
62 The State Association and Self Advertisement 
 
 "'Well,' Tim continued, 'he may be, 
 but lean tell you one thing: they won't 
 cash his check at the bank without my 
 indorsement.'" 
 
 As the superintendent finished, the 
 principal said: *'A very good story, but I 
 don't quite see the point. Of course they 
 couldn't cash a check made out to his 
 order unless he wrote his name on the 
 back." 
 
 This fable teaches that reproof is often 
 given with more certainty by statement 
 than by parable. 
 
 XXVIII 
 
 At a meeting of the State teachers as- 
 sociation a certain man kept speaking on 
 every subject that came up, and second- 
 ing all the motions. *'How did he lose 
 his place ?" everybody asked. 
 
 This fable teaches that if you have 
 anything to sell you must advertise it. 
 
XXIX 
 
 A candidate for principalship was asked 
 by the president of the board : 
 
 "How did you find things at X — ^when 
 you went there?" 
 
 **In the worst possible shape — no dis- 
 ciphne, no system, no knowledge of the 
 work done, a chaos of a school." 
 
 *'You straightened it out, I presume?" 
 
 ''From the word go. The scholars and 
 
 (63) 
 
64 Fifty Fables 
 
 teachers soon found out there was a man 
 at the head and fell into line. We have 
 now the best school in the State." 
 
 "I suppose the board has recognized the 
 difference and kept raising your wages ?" 
 
 "No, that's just it. There is a strong 
 sentiment for economy, and they don't 
 feel they can afford to pay the principal 
 a higher Salary." 
 
 "But we pay the principal less than 
 they do at X — . Of course you are re- 
 elected for next year?" 
 
 "No, not exactly. You see my pre- 
 decessor had some strong personal friends 
 on the board and they have worked 
 against me." 
 
 "Not so successfully as to get another 
 man elected in your place ?" 
 
 "Well, yes. You see the other side 
 were so prejudiced that for the sake of 
 
John who Talked and John who was. Heard 65 
 
 harmony we thought it was better not to 
 raise an issue." 
 
 **And your incompetent predecessor — 
 I suppose he has quit teaching ?" 
 
 "No, he is at Y— ." 
 
 **Then he must get a much larger salary 
 than he had at X—?" 
 
 '*I suppose so; yes." 
 
 ''How did he happen to go there ?" 
 
 **0 they had heard about him somehow, 
 and came over to X — and visited him and 
 offered him the place." 
 
 'Then in spite of his poor work he 
 wasn't turned out at X — ?" 
 
 "No. As I said he had personal friends 
 who stood by him." 
 
 "And this Y — committee, — when it 
 visited him I suppose saw no discipline, 
 no system, no knowledge, the chaos ?" 
 
66 Fifty Fables 
 
 "O the school made a good show before 
 strangers, I presume." 
 
 "So his poor work got him promoted 
 and your good work got you turned out ?' ' 
 
 "It might be put so; yes." 
 
 "Then if I were you I wouldn't stay in 
 a profession where the prizes so go to the 
 undeserving." 
 
 "I sometimes feel that I ought not to." 
 
 "I am quite sure of it ; and not to tempt 
 you to remain in it against your interest I 
 shall wholly decline to consider you as a 
 candidate here." 
 
 "But—" 
 
 "O my mind is quite made up about it, 
 and I can't give you any more time. This 
 ends the interview." 
 
 And it did. 
 
 This fable teaches that what counts is 
 not what you say but what the other man 
 thinks. 
 
XXX 
 
 A voluble teacher who had a good deal 
 of trouble in discipline appealed to her 
 principal. "I don't see how it is," she 
 said ; " I keep telling them what they ought 
 to do, and telling them they must do it, 
 and I don't see why they don't do it." 
 
 ■ After she had said this over two or 
 three times and had paused for breath, 
 the principal, who was not voluble, re- 
 marked: "I am not very good at giving 
 advice, but I heard a story the other day 
 that interested me. A New York mer- 
 chant who happened to be passing through 
 the morgue recognized among the bodies 
 that of his brother, whom he had sup- 
 posed to be in Europe. He had the body 
 taken to the house and ordered the under- 
 taker to spare no expense. 
 
 (67) 
 
68 Fifty Fables 
 
 ' 'When he came down the next morning 
 he went into the room to look at the re- 
 mains. During the night the lower jaw 
 of the corpse had dropped down, reveal- 
 ing gold fillings and gold bridges that 
 made his teeth look like a Klondike ex- 
 hibit. That isn't my brother,' he ex- 
 claimed; *Jim never had a toothache in 
 his life. Take him back to the morgue.' 
 
 ' 'When he had gone the undertaker sur- 
 veyed the corpse in deep disgust. 'You 
 blasted fool,' he said, 'you might have 
 had a first-class funeral if you had only 
 known enough to keep your mouth 
 shut.'" 
 
 This fable shows that some men are so 
 fond of hearing themselves talk that they 
 will obtrude a senseless story even when 
 they are asked for advice. 
 
XXXI 
 
 A woman in a railway car who had for 
 some time been eying a pecuHar instru- 
 ment carried in a basket by a man in the 
 opposite seat, finally leaned over and said : 
 
70 Fifty Fables 
 
 *'I beg your pardon, sir, but will you 
 tell me what that instrument is ?" 
 
 "Certainly," replied the man cheer- 
 fully; "it is aMcGuffin." 
 
 "Thank you," said the woman, and 
 leaned back in her seat. Presently, how- 
 ever, her curiosity mastered her again 
 and she bent her neck across the aisle 
 again. "Excuse me once more, but will 
 you kindly tell me what a McGuffin is 
 used for?" 
 
 "Certainly," replied the man affably; 
 "it is used to catch snakes." 
 
 The woman thanked him and leaned 
 back ; but after a long period of reflection 
 she again stretched across. "I am very 
 bold sir, but may I ask where you catch 
 your snakes, and why ?" 
 
 "Certainly," replied the man once more 
 
The Woman and the McGuffin 71 
 
 with unfailing politeness. "My wife's 
 brother is unhappily adicted to drink, and 
 when he has the tremens he sees snakes; 
 so I catch them for him." 
 
 The woman thanked him and leaned 
 back, but after a long perplexity she 
 reached over once more. *'I must apol- 
 ogize for being still curious," she saidy 
 "but I do not quite understand. The 
 snakes your wife's brother sees are not 
 real snakes." 
 
 "No," assented the man cheerfully, 
 "and this is not a real McGufifin." 
 
 At that point the search for informa- 
 tion ceased. 
 
 This fable shows that a skilful teacher 
 may answer a good many questions with- 
 out conveying any profound knowledge. 
 
XXXII 
 
 *' Young man," said the president of the 
 board, a grizzly old lawyer, looking at the 
 candidate over his spectacles, "can you 
 tell me the difference between tact and 
 talent?" 
 
 * 'Certainly, sir," replied the candidate 
 promptly. 'Tact makes a man resign 
 before he is discharged; talent helps 
 him hold on to his job after he's dis- 
 charged." 
 
 ^'Excellent, excellent," said the pres- 
 ident, still peering over his spectacles. 
 "Your answer shows that you have talent, 
 and for fear you will hold on to the job 
 after you are discharged, we won't give it 
 to you." And they didn't. 
 
 This fable shows that there are disad- 
 vantages in being smart. 
 
 (72) 
 
XXXIII 
 
 A teacher who was so sweet and lovable 
 that every child in the room worshiped 
 her was conducting a development lesson 
 in which she wished to reach the word 
 sunshine. 
 
 ''What is it," she asked, ''that makes 
 everything where it is cheerful; that 
 lights up everything, and makes life 
 seem worth living; that you welcome in 
 the morning and part from at night with 
 regret; that treats rich and poor alike, 
 beaming upon everybody, and every- 
 body's friend, so that its unexpected ap- 
 pearance makes everybody feel like clap- 
 ping hands?" 
 
 As she had proceeded hand after hand 
 had gone up, until as she completed the 
 question all the children were eager to 
 answer. 
 
 (75) 
 
76 Fifty Fables 
 
 "Well, Agnes, you may tell me," she 
 said to one little girl. 
 
 ''Why, it's you, teacher, of course," 
 said Agnes; and every head nodded ener- 
 getic approval. 
 
 This fable shows that a little shower 
 fell just then upon that teacher's coun- 
 tenance ; but it was a sun-shower. 
 XXXIV 
 
 **My friends tell me that is my single 
 fault," the new teacher said gushingly to 
 the grizzled superintendent who had 
 warned her that she was too voluble. 
 
 ''A single fault?" he repeated. "You 
 remind me of the Austrian princess." 
 
 "Who was she?" asked the teacher, 
 flattered at the comparison. 
 
 "Why, a trainer of educated fleas was 
 giving an exhibition before the Austrian 
 
The Teacher and the Flea 77 
 
 court when suddenly he manifested dis- 
 tress. On inquiry he said that one of his 
 fleas had escaped, and when urged to tell 
 what had become of it said with embar- 
 rassment that it had jumped upon this 
 princess. She good-naturedly offered to 
 retire and get it for him, and presently 
 came back holding it between her fingers. 
 But when he took it his distress was great- 
 er than ever; it wasn't the right flea." 
 
 *'Is there some point to the story?" 
 asked the teacher hotly. ''I don't happen 
 to see it. I never had a flea on me in all 
 my life." 
 
 But the superintendent smiled and 
 walked away. 
 
 This fable shows that we sometimes 
 have more fleas and more faults than we 
 are aware of. 
 
"Sh! This isn't heaven. 
 (78) 
 
XXXV 
 
 A city teacher, who was kept in because 
 she was in, had continual trouble with 
 her pupils, her principal, and such parents 
 of her pupils as she ran across, so that her 
 only comfort was to rock after she got 
 home and sing ''There is sweet rest in 
 heaven' ' . But when she died and landed 
 on the other side she was disappointed. 
 The angels she met all seemed to be look- 
 ing out for number one, and before noon 
 she had four wordy quarrels with stran- 
 gers. So when she found a former fellow- 
 teacher she exclaimed, "Why, Jule, I can't 
 see that]^heaven is any more peaceful than 
 our old 8th-ward school used to be." 
 
 ''Shf' said Jule, putting her finger to 
 her lips, ''this isn't heaven." 
 
 This fable teaches that we are all likely 
 to locate where we fit best, whatever 
 hymns we sing. 
 
 (79) 
 
XXXVI 
 
 A bright young schoolmaster, who had 
 been elected to the charge of a hard school 
 because to the president's question, 
 **What is your fundamental doctrine in 
 school discipline?" he had answered, 
 *'Not to bite off more than I can chew," 
 neglected to observe a good many things 
 that occurred under his eyes the first day 
 until he could get his bearings. He dis- 
 covered that the boy most influential 
 among his comrades was Jack Harkins, 
 who not only was much bigger and stout- 
 er than the schoolmaster, but evidently 
 master of the situation. 
 
 So the schoolmaster asked Jack to stay 
 after school, and observed the glance of 
 fun ahead that was exchanged among the 
 other boys. When they were gone the 
 
 (80) 
 
The" Lion's Skin and the Donkey 81 
 
 schoolmaster walked up to Jack and said: 
 
 ''Jack, you think you can lick me, don't 
 you?" 
 
 ''Yes," replied Jack, rather surprised, 
 "I do." 
 
 "Well, now," said the schoolmaster, 
 "that's a coincidence, for I think so too. 
 I am small and you are big. I have never 
 had any practice in fighting, and you have 
 
82 Fifty Fables 
 
 got your hand in by a good deal of prac- 
 tice, I take it." 
 
 Jack said he had kerflummuxed around 
 some. 
 
 **And I suppose," said the schoolmaster 
 '*you were intending to lay me out this 
 afternoon." 
 
 Jack looked a little shame-faced, but 
 acknowledged that had been his expec- 
 tation. 
 
 "Well, Jack," said the schoolmaster, 
 cheerily, "we both agree you can do it, so 
 suppose we call it done, which will save 
 our clothes if not our feelings. Consider 
 me thoroughly licked. Now what comes 
 next?" 
 
 "You're a kind of a funny teacher," 
 said Jack. 
 
 "Not so very," said the schoolmaster. 
 
The Lion^s Skin and the Donkey 83 
 
 *'Some teachers might think their dignity 
 required them to try and thrash you, Hke 
 the darkey who said that if the Lord told 
 him to butt through a stone wall he didn't 
 know whether he should butt through it 
 or not but he should suttinly butt at it 
 like de debil. But in his place I should 
 have grave doubts whether it was the 
 Lord that told me, and save my head till 
 I was certain. Now in this case I don't 
 see why two persons man-grown, like you 
 
 and me, should fight like a couple of vil- 
 lage dogs over a matter they can just as 
 well settle by a sensible, straight-forward 
 talk." 
 
 Jack was flattered to be treated like an 
 equal, and remarked slowly, ''I don't be- 
 lieve I should want to lick you, any way." 
 
 **I confess, I don't see why you should," 
 
84 Fifty Fables 
 
 the schoolmaster replied. *'I think this 
 whole notion of fighting between teachers 
 and scholars is rather a tradition than a 
 feeling. In the old times, when school 
 couldn't begin till a cartload of green 
 withes was hauled up to the door, it may 
 have been natural for the big boys to de- 
 fend themselves. But I am sure I am al- 
 ways ready to do three times as much for 
 my boys as I ask them to do for me. I 
 don't believe, for instance, anybody could 
 be more willing than I am to help you all I 
 can this winter to make the most of your 
 time and get all the profit you can out of 
 school. But of course we have got to un- 
 derstand one another first, and I knew you 
 were old enough and manly enough to talk 
 this matter over and come to some decision 
 as to how we are to treat each other." 
 
 Jack stood up with tears in his eyes. 
 
 "Mr. Tippit," he said, "I am a d— d 
 
The Lion^s Skin and the Donkey 85 
 
 fool, and you are a gentleman. If any 
 boy in this school gives you trouble this 
 winter, I'll skin him alive." 
 
 So the term was easy, but somehow or 
 other it crept out what kind of a talk the 
 two had had, and that the schoolmaster 
 had owned up Jack could lick him. Prob- 
 ably Jack told the story himself with 
 some embellishments. He was human, 
 like other people. 
 
 At any rate, the next term another boy, 
 a big hulking fellow, thought he should 
 like to have it to brag of that the school- 
 master had made a treaty of that kind 
 with him. The schoolmaster got wind of 
 what was coming, and caught him up be- 
 fore the whole school. He had thrown a pa- 
 per wad, expecting to be kept after hours. 
 
 "Fred Whipple, you may come here," 
 the schoolmaster called out at once, draw- 
 ing a big ruler from his desk. 
 
86 Fifty Fables 
 
 This wasn't quite according to the pro- 
 gramme Fred had laid out, but he went 
 far enough to say : 
 
 *'I expect you to come to me." 
 
 **A11 right," the schoolmaster replied, 
 and got there in three strides. Before 
 Fred knew whether he was standing on his 
 head or his feet, the schoolmaster had him 
 in one corner, pummelled till he was sore, 
 and blubbering for mercy. 
 
 *'I — I — I thought you would treat me 
 as you did Jack Harkins," the boy sobbed. 
 
 ** Don't you know that when the donkey 
 put on the lion's skin, he was detected as 
 soon as he opened his mouth ?" the school- 
 master replied. *'You stupid fellow, I 
 have heard you bray for three months." 
 
 This fable shows that the best school 
 discipline is custom-made. 
 
XXXVII 
 
 A somewhat unattractive teacher of 
 political economy in a girls school was ex- 
 plaining the importance of advertising in 
 modern business methods. *'It has been 
 said," she quoted, ''that doing business 
 without advertising is like kissing a pretty- 
 girl in the dark: you know what your 
 are doing, but nobody else does." 
 
 ** Pardon me," said one young lady; 
 shotildn't that be 'Winking at a pretty 
 girl in the dark' ? " 
 
 "Well, what is the difference?" asked 
 the teacher fiercely. 
 
 "It makes a good deal of difference to 
 the pretty girl," said the young lady. 
 
 This fable illustrates the Latin maxim, 
 "Ne sutor ultra crepidam." 
 
 For illustration, see frontispiece. 
 (87) 
 
XXXVIII 
 
 In the days when flogging was an ac- 
 cepted feature of the school curriculum, 
 a schoolmaster over-fond of the rod was 
 upbraiding his pupils for lying. **You 
 
 wouldn't do it," he exclaimed, **if you 
 thought of your latter ends." 
 
 (88) 
 
The Pupils and the Decimal Point 89 
 
 "It's because we think of our latter 
 ends that we try to He out of it," replied 
 one boy, who soon became conscious of his. 
 
 This fable reminds most of us that we 
 should have saved ourselves a good deal 
 of discomfort if we had been born our own 
 grand-children. 
 
 XXXIX 
 
 A school commissioner noticed that the 
 teacher kept putting questions to the 
 three scholars at the head of the class over 
 and over again, not calling on the other 
 seven. 
 
 **I wish you would rearrange the class," 
 he said; **I want to get some of those 
 seven ciphers on the left-hand side of the 
 decimal point." 
 
 This fable teaches that often the com- 
 missioner has been there himself. 
 
•Not so easy to empty this one. 
 
 (90) 
 
XL 
 
 A pompous clergyman who had just 
 been appointed chaplain of a state prison 
 was affronted that one of the prisoners 
 showed him so little respect. '*Do you 
 know who I am?" he asked indignantly. 
 '*0 yes, I know who you are," the prison- 
 er replied; ''you're the minister that has 
 preached four churches empty, but you 
 won't find it so easy to empty this one." 
 
 This fable teaches that some teachers 
 depend for a full school-room more upon 
 the compulsory law than upon making 
 the school-room attractive. 
 
XLI 
 
 A pedantic and self-satisfied school- 
 master, with a habit of leering that made 
 his countenance repulsive, was explain- 
 ing to the school how January came to be 
 
The Schoolmaster and Janus 93 
 
 SO named. ''Janus," he said, **was 
 double-faced. It was well enough for 
 him, but it is a bad thing for boys to 
 have two faces. Johnny Green, there, is 
 double-faced. He looked me in the eye 
 yesterday and told me he had studied 
 two hours at home on his arithmetic ; and 
 when I turned to the board to correct his 
 work, he looked around at the school and 
 winked. Johnny Green, do you think I 
 would have two faces like that?" And 
 the schoolmaster leered at him. 
 
 **No, sir," said Johnny, "we all know 
 you don't have two faces." 
 
 ''How do you know it, Johnny?" 
 asked the master, much gratified. 
 
 "Because if you had any other face 
 than that one you have got on you would 
 wear it," replied Johnny. 
 
94 
 
 Fifty Fables 
 
 This fable teaches that compHments 
 should not be examined into too closely. 
 XLII 
 
 A teacher who was making personal ap- 
 plication to a teachers agency had told at 
 great length what a smart fellow he was. 
 
 "Very good," said the manager; **so 
 
 much for your strong points. Now what 
 are your weak ones ?" 
 
 The teacher was taken by surprise. 
 
 **Why, I don't know that I have any," 
 
The Schoolmaster and his Fs 95 
 
 he said hesitatingly; **except that my 
 friends have sometimes told me I was too 
 modest," he added. 
 
 "That was just what I feared," the 
 manager said, ''and I don't believe you 
 will ever get over it. Too bad, for it is a 
 fatal defect. I can do nothing for you." 
 
 This fable teaches that a red violet is 
 often unappreciated. 
 
 XLIII 
 
 "I wish you boys would be more ob- 
 servant," said a young schoolmaster. 
 "When I was a boy I was always on the 
 lookout, and what I did not see was not 
 worth seeing. I was famous for that. 
 I remember once I was told by a man I 
 met that I was all eyes. What do you 
 suppose he meant by that?" 
 
 "Probably he was referring to your 
 
96 
 
 Fifty Fables 
 
 conversation," replied one boy'; and the 
 other boys looked out of the window. 
 
 This shows that ordinary boys have 
 eyes and ears both. 
 
 XLIV 
 
 A primary teacher who wore number 
 eight shoes and had a voice like a fog-horn 
 
The Teacher and the Railway Train 97 
 
 was complaining to the superintendent 
 because her scholars were noisy. 
 
 *'Did you ever talk on a railway-train ?" 
 asked the superintendent. 
 
 ''Yes," she said. 
 
 ''Didn't you have to talk pretty loud to 
 be heard?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Well, you are noiser than two rail- 
 way-trains, and the children have to make 
 a good deal of clamor to assure themselves 
 they still exist." 
 
 This fable teaches that some superin- 
 tendents do not know how to talk to a 
 lady. 
 
XLV 
 
 A candidate for a ward principalship 
 who was undergoing a protracted oral 
 examination and showed signs of exhaus- 
 tion asked to be excused for five minutes. 
 
 When he returned the president of the 
 board asked him, "Did you take some- 
 thing while you were away ?" 
 
 ''Yes, sir; a clove." 
 
 * 'Anything else?" 
 
 (98) 
 
The Candidate and the Mince Pie 
 
 "Just a little allspice." ' 
 
 '* Any thing else?" 
 
 "A mere sliver of cinnamon." 
 
 "Anything else ?" 
 
 "That was all." 
 
 "Ah! If you had only taken just a sniff 
 of brandy you would have made a capital 
 mince pie." 
 
 This fable shows that in examining a 
 man's character and breath, a board of 
 education is not always limited to surface 
 indications. 
 
 See page 115 
 
XLVI 
 
 A school commissioner who had been 
 visiting a village school was asked by the 
 president of the board of education what 
 he thought of the new principal. 
 
 **The most offensively conceited man I 
 ever saw," replied the commissioner in dis- 
 gust. 
 
 ''Like the former editor of The Nation, 
 who objected to the diminutive," sugges- 
 ted the president, his eye twinkling. 
 
 * 'Exactly," said the commissioner. 
 
 "In fact his opinion of himself reminds 
 me of the Georgia darkey's opinion of 
 Hoke Smith. 
 
 '"You don't think Hoke Smith is a big- 
 ger man than the governor ?' suggested a 
 white man, who thought the darkey's es- 
 timate extravagant. 
 
 (100) 
 
Hoke Smith and God Almighty 101 
 
 **Yes, sah; biggah man dan de gubu- 
 nah.' 
 
 '''Well, not a bigger man than President 
 McKinley ?' 
 
 "Yes, sah; biggah man dan Massa 
 McKinley/ 
 
 '"Surely not a bigger man than Henry 
 Clay?' 
 
 '"Yes, sah; biggah man dan Massa 
 Clay.' 
 
 '"But not a bigger man than George 
 Washington ?' 
 
 '"Yes, sah; biggah man dan Massa 
 Washington. ' 
 
 "'Well any how, not a bigger man than 
 God Almighty ?' 
 
 "'Well,' said the darkey cautiously, 
 scratching his head, 'mebbe not\ mebbe 
 not ; but Hoke Smith's young yet. ' ' ' 
 
 This fable teaches that some schoolmas- 
 ters are very young. 
 
XLVII 
 
 A schoolmaster who had been lecturing 
 an idle pupil upon his misdeeds, asked 
 him: 
 
 "Suppose the devil were to come here 
 this instant, which one would he take, 
 you or me?" 
 
 After some leisurely consideration the 
 pupil replied: 
 
 "Me, sir." 
 
 "I should think so," said the master 
 impatiently. "Now why would he take 
 you instead of me?" 
 
 "Because he would take me while he 
 had me. He can get you any time." 
 
 This fable shows that people who 
 are rude enough to throw stones usually 
 discover that they live in glass houses. 
 
 (102) 
 
XLVIII 
 
 A teacher who prided himself on dis- 
 ciplining by sarcasm said before the 
 school to a boy whose excuse for absence 
 he suspected of inflation: *'John, I had 
 a dream last night. I thought I saw 
 you in hell, and the devil had you in a 
 big hall full of chalk crayon. He was 
 telling you to fill your pockets full of it, 
 and kept urging you to crowd in more 
 and more chalk. Then he took you into 
 another hall where there was an enor- 
 mous blackboard, and told you to write 
 down all the lies you had ever told. Do 
 you remember anything about that?" 
 
 "Yes, sir," replied John, unabashed; 
 **I was there. I remember as I went 
 into the blackboard hall you were just 
 coming out." 
 
 (103) 
 
104 
 
 Fifty Fables 
 
 "To get more chalk, you said. 
 
The Hen and the Cornerstone 105 
 
 **I ?" exclaimed the teacher, surprised 
 at the boy's impudence; 'Vhat was I 
 coming out for?" 
 
 "To get more chalk, you said," replied 
 the boy. 
 
 This fable teaches that questions to 
 boys should be put in private, unless you 
 are pretty sure how they are likely to be 
 answered. 
 
 XLIX 
 
 A school commissioner who was visiting 
 a union school was taken through the 
 building by the new principal, a young 
 man who kept remarking: **You see I 
 maintain perfect discipline everywhere;" 
 "You will notice that in teaching reading 
 I combine the phonetic with the word 
 method;" "I have led the village to feel 
 that education is not for school but for 
 life," etc. 
 
106 Fifty Fables 
 
 When the commissioner was ready to 
 drive away, the principal said with a 
 confident smile: **I hope you find that I 
 am running a good school here." 
 
 The commissioner stood with one foot 
 on the hub of the front wheel, and medi- 
 tated a moment. 
 
 *'You remind me," he said, **of the 
 time I went up to the county seat to at- 
 tend the laying of the comer-stone of 
 the new court-house. We had just got 
 the stone laid when an old hen, a very 
 ordinary looking bird, flew to the top of 
 a fence close by and began to cackle and 
 crow most amazingly. I couldn't make 
 it out at all. But there was an old far- 
 mer there who was up to the tricks of 
 barn-yard fowl, and he turned to me 
 and said: *You hear that old fool hen 
 
The Hen and the Cornerstone 107 
 
 there, cuttin' up all that fuss? Well, 
 she's up there showin' off, tryin' to make 
 us believe that she laid that comer- 
 stone.' 
 
 *'Now you happen just now to be at 
 the head of this school, but you didn't 
 make the school. It was a good school 
 before you came here; it will be a good 
 school after you go away. The people 
 in this village have always wanted a 
 good school, and had it, and been proud 
 of it. Two of the teachers in that school 
 were teaching in it while you wore dia- 
 pers, and yet you say of their work, 'I 
 teach this way'. 
 
 **I think you are a promising young 
 fellow. You are quick and energetic and 
 interested in your work, and you will 
 grow to be a good teacher. But you 
 
108 Fifty Fables 
 
 have a lot to learn, and one of the things 
 to learn first is that / is the ninth letter 
 of the alphabet, not the first, and the 
 smallest, not the biggest. Good-bye." 
 
 This fable teaches that as the com- 
 missioner drove away the principal did 
 some thinking, and that it was good for 
 him. 
 
 L 
 
 When a schoolmaster who had sought 
 
 to disguise approaching senility under a 
 wig came into school for the first time 
 with it on, some of the scholars tittered. 
 
 "John," he said to one of them, severe- 
 ly, **do you see anything ridiculous in this 
 wig?" 
 
 ** Nothing but the head, sir," replied 
 John — which did not check the tittering. 
 
 This fable shows that it is often best to 
 let well enough alone. 
 
The Wig and the Head in it 
 
 109 
 
 "Nothing but the head, sir." 
 
LI 
 
 A lady to whom a new servant had 
 handed a letter asked, "Why, Bridget, 
 didn't you know that a letter should be 
 
 "I didn't suppose you did.* 
 (110) 
 
Miss Spinks and the Finishing Touch 111 
 
 brought in on a salver?" — "Why, yes 
 ma'am," the servant replied easily, '*I 
 knew it, but I didn't suppose you did.' 
 That afternoon she was looking for a new 
 place. 
 
 This fable suggests that teachers need 
 not usually feel afraid to manifest in school 
 whatever acquaintance they may happen 
 to have with the customs of polite society. 
 
 LII 
 
 It was after the last teachers meeting 
 of the year, and vacation plans were 
 under discussion. One was going to 
 the country, another to the mountains, 
 another to the sea-shore, and so on, but 
 Miss Spinks, of somewhat limited early 
 advantages and teaching on a second- 
 grade certificate, announced in a superior 
 way: 
 
112 Fifty Fables 
 
 ''Well, for my part, I am going to a 
 summer school, to put the finishing 
 touch on my education." 
 
 The rest looked impressed, but Sup't 
 Jones smiled. 
 
 ''What are you smiling at?" asked 
 Miss Spinks indulgently, feeling that 
 she was the heroine of the moment. 
 
 "When I was a student," said Mr. 
 Jones, "I now and then took a meal at 
 Blodgett's. This was a place where the 
 cooking was good and a square meal was 
 expensive, and yet where one could get 
 a sandwich or a cup of coffee for five cents. 
 So the patronage was large and varied. 
 
 "One day a young couple from the 
 country seated themselves at the table 
 where I was eating, and consulted the 
 bill of fare with the eagerness that comes 
 from appetite. When the waiter came 
 for the order, the young man said: 
 
Miss S pinks and the Finishing Touch 113 
 
 ** 'What'l you have, Mirandy? I'm 
 going to have a ham sandwich.' 
 
 ''Miranda's eyes dropped reluctantly 
 from the sirloin steak, mutton chops 
 breaded, and chicken pie, home style, 
 down to the sandwiches at the end, and 
 she said obediently: 
 
 *' 'I'll have a tongue sandwich.' 
 
 "The two sandwiches were eaten to 
 the last crumb, and then the young man, 
 taking up^the bill of fare, asked: 
 
 '* 'Now, Mirandy, what'l you have 
 for dessert?' " 
 
 "Law, Mr. Jones, how you do change 
 the subject, ' ' said Miss Spinks. ' 'We was 
 talking about education." 
 
 "We are a good ways from that," 
 said Mr. Jones, musingly. 
 
 This fable teaches that a thick skin 
 is a poor conductor. 
 
"He thinks he is scratching his head.' 
 (114) 
 
LIII 
 
 A schoolmaster whose appreciation of 
 himself was regarded as somewhat more 
 than adequate had a habit of resting his 
 elbows vertically upon the desk and mak- 
 ing his fingers move. 
 
 *'What does he do that for?" asked a 
 new boy. 
 
 *Trobably he thinks he is scratching 
 his head," replied his companion. 
 
 This fable shows that in practice it is 
 best to let the size of the hat depend on 
 physical measurements. 
 
 See page 125 
 (115) 
 
LIV 
 
 A teacher who neglected everything, 
 who was often late at school, was always 
 behind the schedule with her classes, 
 and never by any chance got in a report 
 on time, had exhausted the patience of 
 the superintendent by her shiftless ex- 
 cuses. 
 
 "By the way," he said, **I have been 
 thinking this morning of the story of 
 old Job Corey, who had the distinction 
 of being the laziest man in Groton. He 
 wouldn't work, his neighbors got tired 
 of supporting him, and finally they 
 decided to bury him. He was too in- 
 different to make any objection, so they 
 put him in a coffin and started with him 
 to the grave-yard. 
 
 **0n the way a neighbor met them. 
 *Why, whom are you carrying in the 
 coffin ?' he asked. 
 
 (116) 
 
The Corpse and the Unshelled Corn 117 
 
 " 7ob Corey.' 
 
 ** 'I didn't know he was dead.' 
 
 '' 'He isn't, but we are tired of support- 
 ing him.' 
 
 '* *0 it's too bad to bury a man ahve; 
 take him home; I'll give him a bushel of 
 com myself.' 
 
 **Job heard and leaned up on one elbow, 
 so that his head lifted the cofhn lid. 
 
 " 'Shelled?' he asked, listlessly. 
 
 " 'Why, no.' 
 
 " 'Go ahead, boys,' said Job, lying 
 down again, and the procession moved 
 on." 
 
 "I don't see much point to that story," 
 said the teacher. "They couldn't bury 
 a person alive; it's against the law." 
 
 "I wish it wasn't," said the superin- 
 tendent, turning on his heel. 
 
 This fable shows that it is not worth 
 while to scatter parables before snails. 
 
LV 
 
 The board of seven members was dis- 
 cussing a teacher who had just made per- 
 sonal application, and who had retired 
 that her claims might be considered. 
 
 **A woman might wear a hat like her's 
 and be a good woman, I suppose," said the 
 president, doubtfully. 
 
 **Yes," said the secretary, **she is one 
 of those intellectual women, with ideas 
 way ahead of the times and clothes way 
 behind." 
 
 ''I have known her for twenty years," 
 said another; ''same self-satisfied smile 
 as twenty years ago, same little cork- 
 screw curls, same little curtesy when she 
 
 comes in—" 
 
 **Same hat," interrupted another. 
 
 ** Notice how she disputed your pronun- 
 
 (118) 
 
The Old Maid and the Schoolboard 119 
 
 ciation of cement?" asked the president. 
 *'She is evidently one of those who know 
 enough to correct your mistakes and don't 
 know enough not to." 
 
 *'She looks like the sister of the woman 
 so neat that she scrubbed her kitchen floor 
 till she fell into the cellar," said No. 3. 
 
 **It was fun to hear her talk with the 
 principal, who^is pretty egotistical him- 
 self," said No. 4. *'It was certainly an I 
 for an I." 
 
 *'She says she has followed teaching fif- 
 teen years," said No. 5," but evidently 
 she has not caught up yet." 
 
 **She seems very sure she is an angel," 
 said No. 6. 
 
 **Yes; her halo is a trifle small for her 
 head," said No. 7. 
 
 This fable shows that only one ballot 
 was necessary. It shows some other 
 things. 
 
"The dandruff on your coat collar. 
 (120) 
 
LVI 
 
 A schoolmaster who seldom brushed his 
 clothes, and apparently never brushed his 
 hair except with his coat on, was trying to 
 explain to a class what the Sahara was. 
 "The' desert," he said, *'is one vast ex- 
 panse of sand in every direction. Wher- 
 ever you look it is sand, sand, sand. 
 You can't tell where it comes from, but it is 
 always there, till the eye grows weary of is. 
 Have you ever seen anything like that ?" 
 
 "I know! I know!" cried a little girl 
 eagerly. 
 
 "What is it ?" asked the gratified school 
 master. 
 
 "It is just like the dandruff on your 
 coat collar,' said the little girl. 
 
 This fable shows that sharp eyes often 
 make tongues unconsciously sharp. 
 
 (121) 
 
r Lvii 
 
 A schoolmaster whose strong point was 
 not child study used to make arbitrary 
 rules and a great many of them. He was 
 much annoyed one day when one of his 
 Latin pupils dropped a book in the class; 
 and when a second book was dropped, he 
 shouted: '*I will put a stop to this thing; 
 hereafter when any boy drops a book he 
 will be immediately be called on to recite. ' ' 
 
 He was vexed to find that the dropping 
 of books became a practice, and the more 
 rigorously he enforced the rule, the more 
 habitual grew the book-dropping, till at 
 some period of the recitation every mem- 
 ber of the class was pretty sure to drop 
 his book. He was wondering at their ob- 
 stinancy, when one day two books fell 
 together. 
 
 (122) 
 
The Dropped Book and the Turn to Recite 123 
 
 'Jones, you may translate the next 
 passage," he said to one of them. 
 
 ** Please, sir, it isn't Jones's turn," said 
 the other; *'I dropped my book first." 
 
 This led to investigation, which showed 
 that each member of the class prepared 
 one paragraph of the translation, and 
 dropped his book just before that para- 
 graph was reached. It was really by ac- 
 cident that Jones dropped his book out of 
 turn, and thus was discovered a practice 
 that had gone on for weeks. 
 
 This fable shows that boys always keep 
 their eyes open, whether their teachers do 
 or not. 
 
'A chimpanzee," she replied. 
 (124) 
 
LVIII 
 
 A schoolmaster who made himself ri- 
 diculous by trying to flirt with his older 
 girls heard one of them say to another, 
 '*You are a daisy." 
 
 ''And what flower am I?" he asked, 
 simpering. 
 
 '*You are a pansy," she said, with a 
 wink at her companions. 
 
 ''What kind of a pansy," he continued, 
 with a gratified leer. 
 
 "A chimpanzee," she replied. 
 
 This fable shows that young girls are 
 sometimes unjust to monkeys. 
 
 See page 163 
 (125) 
 
LIX 
 
 One Thanksgiving morning a gray- 
 haired lawyer was working discontent- 
 edly at a brief in his office on the top 
 floor of a building with no elevator. 
 Suddenly the door opened and closed 
 with a slam. He turned about and saw 
 a tall, lank young man who kept his hat 
 on and stood leering at him. 
 
 **What can I do for you?" he said 
 curtly. 
 
 **You can do anything for me," was the 
 reply, * 'but I am going to do a lot for you. * * 
 
 "Who are you?" said the lawyer, still 
 more curtly. 
 
 "You don't seem to remember Hank 
 Lynch, who went to school to you in 
 Skunk Hollow one winter, fifteen years 
 ago. 
 
 (126) 
 
Revenge and the Boxing-gloves 127 
 
 "Oh, is that you, Henry? Dear me, 
 I should not have recognized you. You 
 have grown beyond recollection. I am 
 glad to see you." 
 
 *'Cut it out; I am not here to swap 
 speeches. You gave me a good many 
 lickin's." 
 
 "Yes," said the lawyer with an amused 
 smile. "I recollect that when you were 
 called upon for scraps of recent auto- 
 biography you relied more on your im- 
 agination than on your memory." 
 
 "I am relying on my memory now. 
 I swore if I ever grew up I would lick 
 you out of your boots, and I am here to 
 do it now." 
 
 "But, Henry," said the lawyer, "the 
 punishments I gave you were for your 
 good." 
 
128 Fifty Fables 
 
 **Yes, and this is for my good too. 
 When I have wiped the floor with you 
 I shall feel better than I ever did before 
 in my life." 
 
 **But, Henry, you know the law does 
 not allow you to revenge yourself in this 
 way." 
 
 **You never mind about the law; I'll 
 take care of that. This is a holiday 
 and there's nobody else in the building. 
 I tried every room as I came upstairs. 
 So you are going to get it good and 
 strong without anybody's interfering." 
 
 ''But consider my gray hairs." 
 
 *'I am considering your gray hairs, 
 and the bald spot on the back of your 
 head, with great satisfaction. When I 
 was in school you licked me because I 
 was a little boy and couldn't help myself. 
 
Revenge and the Boxing-gloves 129 
 
 Now I am going to lick you because you 
 are an old man and can't help yourself." 
 
 ''Will nothing induce you to relent?" 
 replied the lawyer, rising and walking 
 towards the door. 
 
 **Not a relent," said the visitor, back- 
 ing to the door and standing against it; 
 **and you don't get out of this door, 
 neither. I am here for business." 
 
 Instead of trying to open the door the 
 lawyer turned the lock and put the key 
 in his pocket. Then he said as he took 
 off his coat, folded it carefully, and laid 
 it over a chair: ''Henry, this is providen- 
 tial. I am invited to a family dinner 
 this afternoon at two o'clock. We shall 
 sit there till four. There will be six 
 meat courses and four dessert courses, 
 with no wine; when I get up my tongue 
 
130 Fifty Fables 
 
 will be furred; it will take me a week to 
 get my digestive apparatus into healthy 
 operation again. The least possible 
 preparation I could make for it would 
 be to spend this morning in exercise. 
 I had hoped to play golf (here he took 
 off his vest and laid it carefully upon 
 his coat) , but the sleety rain outside pre- 
 vents. I was on the point of going to 
 the gymnsaium and punching the bag 
 (here he took off his cuffs) , but it is much 
 more interesting to punch the human 
 countenance, and you have fully justified 
 me in punching yours. (Here he un- 
 buttoned his shirt-collar and took off 
 his neck-tie.) As you have taken the 
 precaution to discover, we shall be un- 
 disturbed and can have plenty of invigo- 
 rating exercise. (Here he threw his 
 
Revenge and the Boxing-gloves 131 
 
 suspenders off his shoulders and tight- 
 ened the waist-buckle of his trousers.) 
 Probably you will be handsomer when 
 we get through if we use boxing gloves 
 instead of bare fists. (Here he opened a 
 closet and produced a set.) Put these on. ' ' 
 The visitor was dumbfounded, not 
 only to perceive his bravado oozing away, 
 but to discover that though fifteen years 
 had passed, the old relations of master 
 and pupil had returned again, the master 
 still compelling, the pupil still forced 
 reluctantly to obey. He put on the 
 gloves awkwardly, and stood up, hands 
 in front, hardly trying to make any de- 
 fence. But defence was hopeless any- 
 way. Blow after blow was rained upon 
 him, till, hit on left ear, right ear, chin, 
 breast, stomach, with an occasional 
 punch on the nose, he was knocked this 
 way and that way, now down on his 
 
132 Fifty Fables 
 
 knees, now poked up again, till finally, 
 when a swinging clip on the side of the 
 head sent him staggering into a comer, 
 he whined for mercy. 
 
 ''Really, Henry," the lawyer said re- 
 luctantly, *'I have hardly had exercise 
 enough to prepare for that dinner; still 
 I'll let you off this time. Take off your 
 gloves, go in there and wash the blood 
 off your face, brush your clothes, and 
 we'll consider the incident closed." 
 
 The visitor did so in a shamefaced 
 manner and started to go out. Reaching 
 the door he turned; *'I believe if you had 
 stayed in Skunk Hollow another winter 
 you would have made a man out of me," 
 he said. Then he shuffled down stairs. 
 
 This fable teaches that life is full of 
 surprises. 
 
LX 
 
 A schoolmaster preparing a class for 
 examination was much dissatisfied with 
 one pupil, who seemed unable to com- 
 prehend an explanation or retain a fact. 
 *'You expect me to do all the work of 
 getting you through this examination," 
 he exclaimed to the boy. "In the next 
 world you will be calling on me to have 
 the key of heaven so as to let you in.'* 
 
 ''May be you'll be calling on me to 
 have the key to the other place so as to 
 let you out," said the boy. 
 
 This fable shows that boys sometimes 
 use their wits more in their replies than 
 in their lessons. 
 
 LXI 
 
 A district school teacher whose fad 
 was botany caught one of his boys smok- 
 ing a cigarette in the school yard. Grab- 
 bing him by the coat-collar, he exclaimed : 
 
 (133) 
 
134 Fifty Fables 
 
 **You come into the schoolhouse and 
 I will give you the best licking you ever 
 had." 
 
 **I thought that word was pronounced 
 lichen," said the boy sweetly. **I shall 
 be ever so glad to get one. We were 
 all so much interested in what you said 
 of the difference between that and moss, 
 the other morning." 
 
 This fable shows that the boy's spelling 
 prevailed. 
 
 LXII 
 
 The board had met to engage teachers 
 for the coming year, and the superintend- 
 ent, who was serving his first year, was 
 quite officious in offering suggestions. 
 Finally the president of the board be- 
 came impatient and said to him: 
 
 **You seem to assume that you have 
 
The Elevator and the Two Directions 135 
 
 made your own calling and election sure. 
 Did you ever hear of the man who had a 
 little misunderstanding with St. Peter?" 
 
 "Not that I remember," said the sup- 
 erintendent, somewhat abashed. 
 
 ''Well, this man, who was always arbi- 
 trary and impatient, died and appeared 
 before St. Peter. 'Step in there,' said 
 St. Peter, pointing to an elevator. He 
 stepped in, and after waiting a little 
 while called out to St. Peter, 'Say, when 
 does this elevator go up?' — 'It doesn't 
 go up,' replied St. Peter; 'it goes down.' " 
 
 "And you mean — ?" 
 
 "Precisely. We shall elect a new sup- 
 erintendent to-night . ' ' 
 
 This fable shows that one had better 
 be sure he is going to be asked to ride 
 before he gives directions how to drive. 
 
"What do you know?' 
 (136) 
 
LXIII 
 
 A young superintendent making his 
 first appearance before one of the schools 
 over which he had been put in charge said 
 grandiloquently to the scholars; ''Well, 
 children, what shall I talk to you about ?" 
 
 **What do you know?" asked a boy in 
 the front seat; and the young superind- 
 ent was flustered. 
 
 This fable shows that our limita- 
 tions are sometimes perceptible to the 
 naked eye. 
 
 XLIV 
 
 "Why do you call your Latin teacher 
 Peggy ?" asked Rob's aimt. "I thought 
 her name was Elizabeth." 
 
 ''So it is," said Rob, "but Peggy is 
 short for Pegasa." 
 
 (137) 
 
138 Fifty Fables 
 
 'Well?" 
 
 **And Pegasa is feminine for Pegasus." 
 
 **Well?" 
 
 *'And Pegasus was an immortal steed." 
 
 *'Well?" 
 
 **And an immortal steed is an ever- 
 lasting nag." 
 
 *^0, I see." 
 
 This fable refutes the fallacy that boys 
 cannot connect ideas. 
 
 LXV 
 
 A sarcastic schoolmaster was reproving 
 a boy for his bad habits. ''If we were to 
 get up a masquerade ball," he said, **I 
 should advise you to go as Charles II. 
 You have just his character." 
 
 *'Your best part would be Charles I," 
 .replied the boy. 
 
 **Why ?" asked the master, his curiosity 
 greater than his anger. 
 
The Teacher 'picker and the New Place 139 
 
 "You wouldn't need any head," said 
 the boy. 
 
 This fable shows that boys usually know 
 the location of the solar plexus. 
 
 LXVI 
 
 Two union school principals were sit- 
 ting in the office of a teachers' agency. 
 One of them said, **I pick out all our teach- 
 ers myself, and everybody knows it." 
 The other said, ''I pick out all our teach- 
 ers myself, and nobody knows it." One 
 of them was looking for a new place: 
 which was it ? 
 
 This fable teaches that when the base 
 and perpendicular of a right-angled tri- 
 angle are given it is easy to find the hy- 
 pothenuse. 
 
LXVII 
 An aged schoolmaster much given to 
 sarcasm was reproaching a boy who had 
 
 (140) 
 
The Schoolmaster and the Angel 141 
 
 not got on in the grades and was in a class 
 with much smaller pupils. 
 
 *'At your age," the teacher had said, 
 **George Washington was already a first- 
 class surveyor and engineer." 
 
 **Yes," replied the boy, who was not 
 altogether stupid, ''and at your age he was 
 president of the United States." 
 
 This fable shows that in handling boys 
 as in handling firearms, disaster some- 
 times results from "didn't know it was 
 loaded". 
 
 LXVIII 
 
 A nagging teacher, who was neverthe- 
 less vain and praise-seeking, was explain- 
 ing figurative language. **You call a 
 thing something that really isn't," she 
 said, because it has some attribute of the 
 thing you call it which seems to you char- 
 
142 Fifty Fables 
 
 acteristic. Now see if you can produce a 
 figurative sentence. For instance, what 
 would you call me ?' ' And she beamed on 
 the class. 
 
 **I should call you an angel," said one 
 girl promptly; and while the other pu- 
 pils looked at her in astonishment the 
 gratified teacher exclaimed: 
 
 "Exactly, exactly. And why would 
 you call me an angel ?" 
 
 ** Because you are everlastingly harping 
 on something," said the girl. 
 
 This fable shows that if reasons were as 
 plentiful as blackberries it would not be 
 wise for some teachers to call for them. 
 
XLIX 
 
 When I became principal of the Susan 
 B. Anthony school my ambition was pret- 
 ty well satisfied. It was the largest 
 school in the city, with the latest building, 
 in the best neighborhood; and I resolved 
 to^make it the best grammar school in the 
 State. 
 
 I found it in first-class condition. My 
 predecessor, a strong man and a capital 
 teacher, had left his impress everywhere; 
 for a long time I found little except to re- 
 joice in. 
 
 But one room began to trouble me. I 
 noticed first that the children did not do 
 well in examinations ; then that they were 
 nervous and at the same time listless, the 
 worst of combinations. I began^to visit 
 the room frequently but for a long-time 
 
 (143) 
 
144 Fifty Fables 
 
 got no clue. The teacher, always called 
 Miss S'phrony, — originally to distinguish 
 her from an elder sister, Miss Millicent, 
 who had died, — ^was conscientious, pains- 
 taking, energetic, and while I sat there I 
 could not find much to criticize. 
 
 Thinking I could observe better if I did 
 not seem to be observing, I devised a 
 somewhat complicated system of venti- 
 lation, and put it into her room to try it. 
 This required me to run in and out a dozen 
 times a day ; and as I paid no attention to 
 the teacher and pupils they soon learned 
 to pay no attention to me. So little by 
 little I got at the clue, which with more 
 experience I should probably have dis- 
 covered earlier. 
 
 The trouble was that Miss S'phrony was 
 a rasping critic. She never encouraged, 
 
The Teacher and the Jiidgment-roll 145 
 
 and she bore down upon defects with a 
 harshness that every year increased. 
 * That's about the kind of answer I should 
 expect from you,'' I heard her say one day 
 
 "Don't be always behind foot." 
 
146 Fifty Fables 
 
 and again, ''Well, you've got the wrong 
 problem, and read it wrong, and made a 
 mistake in working what you supposed it 
 was — as usual." I was startled one wet 
 day when the air was heavy and every- 
 thing depressing to hear her say to a poor 
 little deformed girl: "Come, hurry up 
 that bum leg of yours; don't be always 
 behind foot." 
 
 It had been one of my ambitions for 
 the school not to ask for changes in the 
 corps of teachers, but to keep them all, 
 and by making the weak places strong 
 build up a faculty that should be note- 
 worthy. So the next day, when every- 
 thing was bright and cheerful again, I 
 dropped into Miss S'phrony's room after 
 school was out and chatted with her a 
 while. I turned the subject around to 
 
The Teacher and the Judgment-roll 147 
 
 dreams, and asked her if she believed in 
 them. 
 
 * 'Sometimes I do and sometimes I 
 don't," she said; **it depends on whether 
 they come out true. ' ' 
 
 **I had a queer dream the other night," 
 I said; 'Vouldyoulike tohear it?" 
 
 **0 my, yes," said Miss S'phrony; "I 
 just dote on dreams." 
 
 *'Well," I said, **it seemed to me it was 
 after death and on the other side, and it 
 was the judgment day." 
 
 **My," said Miss S'phrony, ''that was 
 serious." 
 
 *'Yes," I said, "it was serious. I 
 thought I was in an immense room with 
 lots and lots of other people, each of us 
 clothed in one big white robe. While I 
 was waiting and wondering what was to 
 
148 Fifty Fables 
 
 happen next, up came Tim Sweeney, the 
 little scamp. He was the boy whom I 
 had expelled from school, and who had 
 given me more trouble than any other 
 scholar I ever had. Even after he was 
 turned out he used to lurk on the corners 
 as I went by and call out : 
 
 'Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, 
 Had a wife and tried to beat her.' 
 
 but he never gave me a chance to catch 
 him." 
 
 'The little scoundrel," interrupted Miss 
 S'phrony; *Vhat a lot of such wretches 
 there are in school." 
 
 ''Well," I went on, "he came up and said 
 to me, 'I want your judgment of me, Mr. 
 Smith.' I thought that was another 
 piece of his impudence, so I just hit him 
 a clip side of the head that sent him fly- 
 ing twenty feet." 
 
The Teacher and the Judgfnent-roll 149 
 
 "Served him right, too," said Miss 
 S'phrony; "that's the advantage of be- 
 ing strong; I couldn't even have tipped 
 him off his pins." 
 
 "He picked himself up," I continued, 
 and came up to me, holding up the side of 
 his head I had struck. To my surprise the 
 outline of my right hand where I had hit 
 him over the ear was clearly defined, as if 
 painted there. 'Now sign it, please,' he 
 said. *Sign what ?' 'Your judgment of 
 me. Just write vour name underneath 
 with your fingers.' 
 
 "I hardly knew what to make of it, but 
 he seemed in earnest, so I wrote 'Peter 
 Smith' with my forefinger under the hand, 
 and sure enough it stood out in black let- 
 ters, as if written with indelible ink. 
 *Now sign here,' he said; and he took out 
 
'Now^sign here." 
 (150) 
 
The Teacher and the Judgment-roll 151 
 
 of his pocket a long piece of rolled-up 
 ribbon, turned it along a list of printed 
 names till he found mine, and then handed 
 it to me to sign, like a telegraph-book. 
 Once more I wrote my initials with my 
 forefinger, once more they stood out in 
 black, and Tim thanked me and went 
 away." 
 
 "That was a queeer dream," said Miss 
 S'phrony. 
 
 **I thought it was queer; and while I 
 was wondering over it up came Caleb Lee. 
 He was another of my scholars, and he 
 called up more unpleasant memories. 
 How many times that boy had given me 
 unblushingly the most plausible excuses, 
 and when I accepted them had winked to 
 the school as he took his seat, as I after- 
 ward discovered. He used to lie when 
 the truth would be better for him, just for 
 practice. So when he said, 'Please give 
 
152 Fifty Fables 
 
 me your judgment, Mr. Smith,' I replied 
 savagely, *I can do that in one word' ; and 
 I wrote LIAR across his forehead, and 
 signed it.'* 
 
 **My, wouldn't I like to brand some of 
 the little wretches in my room!" sighed 
 Miss S'phrony. 
 
 **I signed his ribbon for him, too, won- 
 dering more than ever, when up came 
 Dick Jones. Now I had a grievance 
 against Dick. We came to college from 
 the same school, but I was a year ahead of 
 him, and naturally rather patronized 
 him. He took it good-naturedly, but I 
 couldn't help seeing that he was a good 
 deal more influential in his class than I 
 was in mine, and before the end of his 
 first year he was a good deal more im- 
 portant man in college than I. 
 
The Teacher aiid the Judgment-roll 153 
 
 "Then he used to offer to do things for 
 me, but you know it comes hard to have to 
 look up to a fellow you have looked down 
 on." 
 
 "Yes, that's so," said Miss S'phrony; 
 *'I never could stand patronizing." 
 
 ' ' I was the better scholar and I couldn't 
 see why everybody liked him so much bet- 
 ter than they did me. It got so that I 
 sneered at him to his face, and said some 
 hard things behind his back. So when he 
 came up I was glad to get even with him, 
 and I began to write PHARISEE across 
 his forehead." 
 
 "That did give you a good chance to 
 get even," remarked Miss S'phrony, ap- 
 provingly. 
 
 "Yes, but before I had finished the 
 word I was ashamed of it. I had written 
 
154 Fifty Fables 
 
 PHAR,when I stopped and cried: *Osay, 
 Dick, let me erase that; I didn't know I 
 was so mean.' 
 
 "* Nothing once written can be rubbed 
 out,' repHed Dick, smiling. 
 
 "'What can I do? I won't let any 
 such contemptibleness as that go on re- 
 cord.' 
 
 **'I shall have to let you work it out for 
 yourself, Peter,' said Dick, still smiling. 
 
 ** There is one thing I can do,' I said; 
 and I wrote on the other half of his fore- 
 head in small letters 'minded', so that it 
 read THARminded', and signed it." 
 
 **My," said Miss S'phrony, ''I wouldn't 
 put my name to such spelling as that to 
 save my neck and old Jones's too." 
 
 *'Teter,' Dick said to me, 'that does 
 you credit. And by the way, hadn't I 
 better give you my judgment of you ?' 
 
 *"What!' I exclaimed, 'are all those 
 
The Teacher and the Judgment-roll 155 
 
 people going to write their judgments on 
 me?' 
 
 *' 'Certainly,' said Dick. 'You don't 
 suppose your judgment of them is any 
 more important than theirs of you. ' 
 
 '*'Tim Sweeney and Caleb Lee?' 
 
 *' 'Everybody whose name is on your 
 ribbon. ' 
 
 "I felt in my pocket and sure enough 
 there was a long roll of ribbon with the 
 names of everybody I had ever had much 
 to do with. I found Dick's name and 
 said to him : 
 
 "'All right; give me your judgment 
 quick. Begin by writing ASS clear up 
 and down my face, and then add anything 
 else you can think of.' 
 
 " 'O no,' said Dick; and I could feel 
 him writing on my forehead : 
 
156 Fifty Fables 
 
 Hasty, but honest 
 Richard Jones 
 
 **I deserved it so little that I first wrung 
 his hand, and then I just threw my arms 
 around his neck — the first time I ever did 
 it to a man." 
 
 '* 'S'pGse you've done it to women lots of 
 times,' interrupted Miss S'phrony, sar- 
 donically. 
 
 "'Now I'll look up Tim Sweeney and 
 Caleb Lee and get their judgments,' I 
 said; 'and the next person that comes to 
 me for judgment will get one that keeps in 
 mind reciprocity.' " 
 
 '*I think that would be awful," said 
 Miss S'phrony, "to have all those miser- 
 able pupils able to print on you what you 
 couldn't rub ofE." 
 
 "I thought so too," I said, "but I re- 
 solved to get the worst done with as soon 
 
The Teacher and the Judgment-roll 157 
 
 as possible. When I had hunted up Tim 
 Sweeney and asked him for his judgment, 
 he looked at me quizzically. 
 
 ***Didn't know I had to judge you when 
 you hit me that clip over the head, did 
 you ?' he asked, grinning. 
 
 '"No, I didn't, but it is all right; it 
 was a mean thing to do, anyway.' 
 
 **'Well,' said Tim reflectively 'you 
 weren't such a bad lot. I used to think 
 that may be if you knew what sort of a 
 bringin' up I had, mother drunk, father 
 in the pen, more cussin' than eatin', you 
 might 'a ben a little easier with me. Still 
 you didn't have time to look up all the 
 boys, an' I never thought I got any more'n 
 was a comin' to me, even bein' turned out. 
 I dunno what would a ben 'f I'd kep' on 
 in school; nuthin' better, like's not. 
 
158 Fifty Fables 
 
 " 'Anyhow I never laid nuthin' up agin 
 you. Here, 111 write it down on the back 
 tail; nobody cares what I think.' And 
 he wrote: 
 
 Strik, but skwar 
 T. Sweeny" 
 
 "My, I wonder if they'll all do like 
 that," mused Miss S'phrony. 
 
 "I was almost as much touched by 
 Tim's generosity as by Tom's. 'See here, 
 Tim,' I said, 'things over here are alto- 
 gether different from what I expected, 
 and I haven't got my bearings yet. But 
 if it turns out that I can help you in any 
 way over here, I'd like to make up for 
 what I didn't do for you over there. '" 
 
 '"O that's all right,' said Tim; 'some of 
 us fellers think we'll have a new deal over 
 here and git more of a show. I dunno. 
 
The Teacher and the Judgment-roll 159 
 
 'T any rate, 'f I want any thing I'll ask 
 for it. You're all right.' 
 
 "Then I looked up Caleb Lee for his 
 judgment. 'Certainly,' he said with a 
 guileless smile; and he wrote in big let- 
 ters on my robe right across my abdomen, 
 
 GENTLEMAN 
 
 '' I was more amazed than ever. 'How 
 generous everybody is over here,' I 
 thought; and against my instincts I was 
 almost ready to embrace him, when I hap- 
 pened to observe that he signed his judg- 
 ment, 
 
 Caleb Lee, Liar 
 
 and I decided that any "demonstration of 
 personal fondesss could be postponed. 
 
 *'When I woke up, I was turning the 
 roll of ribbon over and reflecting what a 
 lot of names there were, how long it 
 
'I decided that any demonstration of personal 
 
 fondness could be postponed." 
 
 (160) 
 
The Teacher and the Jtidgment-roll 161 
 
 wotild take to get all the judgments, and 
 what'^surprises I was likely to encounter." 
 
 **What ridiculous things dreams are," 
 said Miss S'phrony, yawning. 
 
 ''I do not think this was a ridiculous 
 
162 Fifty Fables 
 
 dream," I said, disappointed at the im- 
 pression I hadn't made upon her. **It 
 was only a practical illustration of the 
 Bible counsel, * Judge not, that ye be not 
 judged.' Miss S'phrony, if a teacher 
 knew that for every hasty judgment of the 
 little faces before her fifty judgments were 
 being indelibly recorded against her, do 
 you think she would be so thoughtless ?" 
 
 "O I don't know," said Miss S'phrony, 
 wearily; "I don't take any stock in this 
 glorification of children. It makes them 
 forget that the teacher is superior. Dis- 
 cipline is hard enough with all^the pre- 
 judice in the teacher's favor, and if you 
 take that away, you won't have^any con- 
 trol at all. 
 
 "In fact," she interrupted as I at- 
 tempted to argue with her, ''it is late and 
 
The Teacher and the Judgment-roll 163 
 
 I ought to be getting home. I'm not 
 sure it is quite proper for us to be sitting 
 here alone together so long after school is 
 out." 
 
 So Miss S'phrony departed; and I went 
 home quite sure she would never teach an- 
 other year in the Susan B. Anthony 
 school. But she is there yet; for she is 
 the sole support of a widowed mother. 
 
 This fable teaches that civil service 
 tenure of office is not the most impera- 
 tive need of our city schools. 
 
 ISee page 164 
 
164 
 
 Fifty Fables 
 
1 
 
One copy del. to Cat. Div.