ns ns y.^ ^>7 MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNNY FARCES MARCH BROTHERS, Publishers, LEBANON, OHIO In a Doctor's Office P5 225 By Jeannette Joyce .Z9 J885 Copy 1 Copyright, 1920, by March Brothers CHARACTERS Ah Attendant in Nurse's Garh. Mrs. Snap — A middle-aged country woman. Mr. Saylittle — A quiet, dignified old man. Mrs. Gabmore — A talkative, self-sufficient woman. ^u...^^'- ' Henry Gabmore — Her meek hushand. Mrs Swell — Who can not endure the common herd. Dinah — A colored nurse. Mrs Swell's Son — An irrepressible of six. ]VfR. Jocose — A young man, with a joke for all occasions. ]\^iss Gusher — A spinster in dress and years, hut not in manner. Scene: Waiting room of a famous specialist. Small alcove in one corner with desk and telephone, where attendant is busy when not answering door. Magazines on table which waiting patients turn nervously when they have nothing else to do. As curtain rises bell rings, and attendant glides slowly and noiselessly to door. Mrs. Sn.^ {waving attendant aside and striding into room) : You certainly take your time, young lady, 'to let a person in. Where 's the doctor ? Attendant {voice soft and very low) : Doctor Wayup has not yet arrived. His office hours are from ten-thirty to noon. "Will you kindly step here and fill out this card, {Exit.) Mrs. Snap {reading card and soliloquizing) : Name. Well, I've no objection to givin' my name. Age. That's nobody's business. Color of hair and eyes. Nonsense! If Jie ain't blind, he can see tliat when he looks at me. Any insanity in family? No, not till I was crazy enough to trust a fool doctor. Attendant {returning) : Here is a pen. Will you kindly fill in the blanks? Mrs. Snap: No, I'll not You can tell him. Attendant {more softly than ever) : That is impossible. You can reach Doctor Wayup only through the card system. Mrs. Snap: You don't say so. {Bell rings and Mrs. Snap seats herself. Attendant admits Mr. Saylittle, who wears a bandage over one side of face. After some time.) Pace hurt you much? Mr. Sayli-htle {looking up surprised) : No, madam. In a Doctor's Office ^ \?/.(fp Mrs. Snap; That's funny. Looks like it might hurt powerful' T)ad. My husband had some trouble with his face; wore it tied up just like your's for a time. {No response frmn old gentleman. After a pause.) But law, he's dead — ^been dead goin' on twenty years. Mr. Saylittle: That was before tlie day of specialists. Mrs. Snap : Yes, thank fortune. They 'd a killed him and took all his money, too. As it was, I had enough to buy a little place where I can keep a cow and raise chickens, and if folks 'ud pay their bill^ — {Bell rings and attendant opens door as he fore.) Mrs. Swell {accompanied hy nurse and hoy) : Do you recall that the doctor gave orders for me to wait in his private office? Will you see if I can be accommodated there? {Attendant leaves and Mrs. Swell walks haughtily to a window where she stands with hack to room.) Son {who has heen gazing at Mr. Saylittle) : Say, is it catchin' like mumps and chickenpox, Gramp? {Nurse and mother hoth rush at hoy.) ^•'^ ' Dinah, I wish you would learn to attend to your charge. Take hall and amuse him. ,vj/ up hands in horror) : For Laudy Sake, missus, doan you send v/ux in this house alone. Ise heard about these doctors what cuts you up and puts you together agin, and Ise plum scared to death — I is fo' sure. Son {tugging ait her hand) -. Aw, come on, Dinah, I want to see him do it. Attendant {entering and addressing Mrs. Swell) : The janitor has just opened the private office, you may wait there. Dinah {leaving) : Thank the Laud! Mrs. Snap : Now, what do you think of that swell ? She don't need no specialist to tell her what ails her — I'll do it for nothin'. She's got a vacancy up here. {Taps forehead. Bell rings.) Mrs. Gabmore {enters talking to Mr. Gahmore) -. Now, Henry, quiet yourself, and leave everything to me. {To attendant who presents card.) Here, let me have that ; I know all about it. Miss Jones, our neighbor, who -was operated on last summer, told me all about the minor working of these things. ( Writes and talks.) Henry, don't be worried. There's nothin' on here that will hurt anybody, and I believe in givin' the doctors all the help you can. Mrs. Snap {sarcastically) : Yes, they need it. {Bell rings.) Mr. Jocose {with an effort to he gay) : Say, is the Doc in? Attendant: Doctor Wayup's office hours do not begin until ten-thirty. Mr. Jocose {looking at watch) -. Thirty minutes in the cell adjoining, eh? Well, I guess I can stand it. {Sits down next to Mr. Saylittle.) Pardner, you look knocked out? What round was it that finished you? {Laughs loud at joke, as attendant hands him card which he reads.) Say, what do you want all these facts for, my tombstone? Mrs. Gabmore {smiling appreciatively) : My, young man, you've got a fortune in your disposition. I often tell Gabmore if he'd just cherk up and talk a little, it would do him more good than medicine or specialists either. ,0' 'wi:; ^^^i^^i2 OCT 'I 1920 In a Doctor's Office Mr. Saylittle: I take it you have never been sick, madam. {Bell rings.) Miss Gusher {entering) : How do you do, my dear? Is the dear doctor in? Attendant: I am expecting him now at any moment. Just be seated, Miss Gusher. Miss Gusher : Oh ! how lovely of you to remember my name. Mr. Jocose {aside to others) : That's dead easy — Gush — Gusher. Miss Gusher : You know, my dear, there was no earthly reason for my stopping this morning, but I just could not refrain from telling the dear doctor once again how wonderful he is. I think I '11 wait right here until he comes. Mrs. Snap; Yes, I guess you will. That's what I've been doin' for more 'en two hours, and I've got a good reason. Mrs. Gabmore {to Miss Gusher) : So it is true that Doctor Wayup can do won- derful things? Miss Gusher: "Wonderful, why my dear woman he performs rair^"^ my case — Mrs. SnxVp {snippily) : What was your case? Miss Gusher : Hallucination, the queerest affliction. I would imagine «x. of absurd things — that I was growing old, don't you know. That terribly stupid. That people avoided me. That I -was really homely — a . you know. Someone advised me to see Doctor Wayup, and he has brougnu me out of all that. Just look at me now. I know myself, as I am. Mrs. Gabmore : Wonderful! Henry, take courage. Mrs. Snap : I think he made you worse. Mr. Jocose: Some miracle man — {Telephone nngs.) Attendant {speaking into it) : Yes. — You will not! Be gone for a month — All right — Good-bye. {Addressing the waiting crowd.) Doctor Wayup tele- phones that he is leaving unexpectedly for a month's rest at the seasihore. Miss Gusher : Poor dear ! I feared a breakdown for him ! Such trying work and long hours! How I shall miss him! {Exit.) Mr. Jocose {taking Mr. Satylit{\e hy arm) : Come on. pardner. I've got a month's stay of execution, {kxeunt.) Mrs. Gabmore {leaving and, talking) -. Well, Henry, cheer up. What I've heard has surely encouraged me. {Exeunt.) Attendant {to Mrs. Snap, who stands the picture of disgust) : Perhaps, since the doctor is leaving, I might venture to tell him of your case if — Mrs Snap {with vigor) : My case is this. I've been supplyin' the doctor's family with the best of fresh eggs and butter for six weeks. His wife ain't never got no money and I decided I'd try him, but the president himself 'ud be a lot easier to get to. I don't want to be killed by a specialist nor cured a' somethin' I ain't got. I want my egg and butter money, and I want it quick. {Ciirtain) 017 400 011 6 • MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNNY FARCES Five for 25 cents. Not Less than Five Sold. AI'NT JANE VISITS SCHOOL, By Jeannetfe Joyce. Any numhcr of males and females. After fifty year.^ Aunt Jane spends a morning in a modern .sch.x)!. Her ol.servations keep the audience i" a roar. AUNT JERISHA AND LNCLE JOSH. By Kffie Louise Koogle. 1 male, 2 females. These eccentric folk visit the school, producing no end of fun. AUNT LUCINDV STAVS. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Two darky characters make "BEAT IT!" By'^WiUis N. Bugliee. 3 males, 1 female. A scolding wife makes trouble for everybody, BETT¥''^ANd"bETSY. B^y°Wi?lis T' Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Betsy was advertised for sale, but THE ^BIJOTOWN BAND. By Archibald Humboldt. 4 males, 1 female. More fun than you can Imagine, and a little music which anyt>ody can make. . „ , . , x- i, » THE BUZZVILLE NEWS. By Effie Louise Koogle. 2 males, 1 female. A breezy conversation between DOT^ ENTERTAIn"**.^^ By Elizabeth F. Guptill. 1 male, 1 female. Dot entertains her big sister's beau, and the things slie tells him are a plenty. A bic success. . ^ , ,..,, , , , , v. THE GOOSE FEATHEKBED. By Willis N. Bw;bee. 4 males, 1 female. A dandy little play for Irish Hnd eccentric characters. Easy and amnsinc. , ,.,.,, , ,, Jtt*^K JVIAKES WASTE. By Harriette Wilbur. 3 males. The young drug clerk hurriedly grabs the •- iijid learns that haste makes waste. „ , , » . , « .u • ,• 4. . OFFICE. By Jeanuette Joyce. 4 males, females. A take-off on the specialist of a r-uiiber of the follies of humanity are exposed In a laughable manner. '^~'' By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males, 4 females. Comic dialog interspersed with , *.irtiniiOi,o funny story. „,.,,„ , , • •* l"iLZEKIAH. By Louise Rand Bascom. 3 males, 1 female. Hayseed parents visit ,.r -c-pleudid opportunitv for clever acting. Bright and amusing. ^,'^'xic OR THE I'ROFESSOR. By I,ouise Rand Bascom. 2 males, 2 females. The lunatic iiistaken for the brain specialist, which is hard on the lunatic. Great. ; TIME OIT Bv Carolvn F. Rice. 7 females. An amusing comedy dealing with the servant Q^ 'em. ' The characters are strongly contrasted. Easy, but eClcctive. ,^^ v, , ,. a 1 ^t- pOleDDLEKS ADMITTED. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 1 female. The busy man Intended not to buv, but the pediller had a suave manner. . , , , « i, , ,,, "OH YOU TEACHER! By C. A. Donaldson. 8 males, 4 females. A splendid comedy of school life, showing the amateur teacher's trials. Funny and well suited for school.s , ■* k • >,f „^ ♦oiiir,., ONE ON THE AGENT. By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. A clever skit, bright and telling THE'^^rHYsicAL^'TORTURE Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Physical culture exercises lor which Ma is too stout and I'a is too rheumatic. Killinyly funny t- „ , , , „ A PROPOSAL IN GRANDJL\'S DAY, By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 2 females. Full of fun for KASTUS* BLINK''s"'^MlNSTRELS. By Effie Louise Koogle. For any number. His "Kinky Koons" are killiiic The iolliest minstrel show ever. A deluge of drollery. ,, ., "SCAT!'' By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. Cunning attempt of an old maid to prove her SEEING -THE ANniALS. By Clara J. Denton. 1 male, 2 females. A swell hotel clerk, a suffragette, THE SOIJASnvrLllE "fire-brigade!' By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 2 females, and other firemen, if flp.i>\' little dialog Easy and clever. T»rF STI11>II> witness' liv Archibal'l Humlioldt. 3 males. The lawyer and witness lock horns and have an awful time but its fun for the audience. Swift and keen. , „ , , ^,„ ., THE TRAIN i EAVES IN TEN MINUTES. By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 2 females. Will they THe'^TrXiN^'tO lv',';,I^ROw!"'"By"jeanS"Toycef %" ma'es:''2 females. Confusion in a railw.y THE'TkrVELING^HOTOGRA^>HER.''^ White. 3 males, 2 females. He unexpectedly visits a farmer's familv. All work is stopped and they pose for the lueture. - AN UP-TO-dVtE PROPOSAL. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males 2 fem.ales A roarmg farce that will keep the .lu.iienee i,u"e^^^^ every minute. lOffective when used witi "A Proposal in Grandma's D*y," WANTED: T"lICENSE^ TO WED. By Eliznbeth F. Guptill. 2 males, 1 female. Humorous situation resulting ' from u misunderstanding. Irish dialecL No entertainments sent on approval or exchangred. MARCH BROTHERS, Publishers, 208-210-212 Wright Ave, Lebanon, O. S3 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 017 400 0116 • Holllnger Corp.