rOnPIUI^DO infilling all orders la always a feature of our busi- PS S35 Ir I llljdd ness. Catalogues sent free. Any Play, Dialogue rw www *A A^iMwv* Book, Speaker, Guide Book, Wigs and Beards— in 7Q ^°ff you want will be sent by AMES' PUB- CO., Clyde, Ohio. C275 —^ Copy 1 , AMES' SERIES OF A.KDARD AND MIHOE DRAMA. No. 457. A Valuable Fish. (^OMI:^^' drama WITH CAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES AND EXITS, RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, DESCRIPTION OF COSTUMES AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS ; CARE- FULLY MARKED FROM THE MOST AP- PROVED ACTING COPY. PRICE 25 CENTS. CLYDE. OHIO. AMES' PUBLISHI tqT accoi No goods sent C. O. D. Money ¥ \pany all orders. r^ A.mes' Ii^dition of Plays. Fifteen cents each unless otherwise marked. "^ M. r. 294 164 125 318 350 113 226 321 272 160 268 310 284 373 242 161 60 342 343 152 279 173 143 67 97 119 162 385 176 255 300 311 304 93 3W 283 314 117 386 374 141 191 3K2 403 337 194 9 136 330 387 417 39 261 227 410 335 211 251 DRAMAS. Arthur Eustace, 25c 10 After Ten Years 7 Anld Robin Gray, 25c 12 Adventuress, The 8 By Force of Love 8 Bill Detrick 6 Brae, the Poor House Girl... 4 Brolien Links. 8 Beyond Pardon 6 Conn; or Love's Victory 9 Clearinsr the Mists 5 Claim Ninety-six (96) 25e... 8 Commercial Drummer, The 5 Cricket on the Hearth. The. 6 Dutch Recruit, The 25c 14 Dora 5 Driven to the Wall 10 3 Defending the Flag, 25^ .11 3 Daisy Garland's Fortune, 25c 5 5 Driven from Home 6 4 Dutch Jake 4 3 East Lynne 8 6 Emigrant's Daughter 8 3 False Friend. The 6 1 Fatal Blow, The 6 1 Forty-Niners, The 10 4 Fielding Manor 9 6 Freeman Mill Strike, The... ' 7 1 Factory Girl 6 3 Gertie's Vindication 3 3 Grandmother Hildebraud's Legacy, 25c 5 4 Gyp, The Heiress, 25c 5 4 General Manager, The 5 5 Gentleman in Black, The... 8 4 Handy Andy 10 3 Haunted by a Shadow.. 6 Haunted Mill, The 5 Hal Hazard, 25c 7 Hazel Adams 5 Hearts of Gold... 5 Hidden Treasiires 3 Hidden Hand 15 Josh Winchester, 25c. 5 Joe, the Waif, 2.5c. 5 3 Kathleen Mavourneen 12 4 Lights and Shadows of the Great Rebellion, 25c ..10 5 Lady of Lyons 12 5 Lady Audley's Secret 6 4 Legal Holiday 5 Little Goldie, 25c 11 Little Heroine 8 Little Wife, The 6 Life's Revenge.....^ 11 Lost in London 6 Maud's Peril. 5 Mechanic's Rep-ieve, The.. 8 Miller's Daughta* %c.« 7 Midnight Mista/ 6 Millie, the Qua/ 6 163 Miriam's Crime 5 2 34 Mistletoe Bough 7 3 229 Mountebanks, The 6 2 348 Mrs. Willis' Will 5 277 Musical Captain, The 25c. ..15 2 3 2 278 301 355 My Pard, 25c 6 112 New Magdalen, The 6 298 New York Book Agent 7 237 Not Such a Fool as He Looks I % 408 Noel Corson's Oath 6 3 196 Oath Bound 4 2 223 Old Honesty » 2 81 Old Phil's Birthday 5 2 331 Old Wayside Inn, The 9 6 405 Old Glory in Cuba, 25c 8 3 333 Our Kittie 6 3 85 Outcast's Wife 1^ 3 83 Out on the World 5 4 347 Our Country Aunt 4 146 Our Awful Aunt 4 4 419 Our Jack 7 3 Penn Hapgood W 'i Peleg and Peter, 25c 4 2 280 Pheelim O'Rookes' Curse... 8 3 5 Phylis, the Beggar Girl 6 8 322 Raw Recruit, The 6 420 Rachel, the Fire Waif, 25c... 7 4 71 Reward of Crime, The 5 3 45 Rock Allen 5 4 275 Simple Silas 6 6 409 Southern Rose, A 10 5 79 Spy of Atlanta, 25c 14 4 336 Squire's Daughter, The 5 3 372 Sunlight, 25c 10 3 266 Sweetbrier H » 364 Trixie o 3 369 Taggs, the Waif, 25c. b 4 105 Through Snow and Sun- shine 6 4 201 Ticket of Leave Man 9 S 293 Tom Blossom 8 4 193 Toodles 4 ^ 2(K) Uncle Tom's Cabin. 18 t 396 Uncle Jed's Fidelity. 7 3 415 Under the American Flag 25c. 6 3 290 Wild Mab ^ % 41 WonatLast 7 rf 192 Zion ^ 4 TEMPERANCE PLAYS. 75 Adrift 5 4 391 Among the Moonshiners 7 4 73 At Last .^..... ^ 1 187 Aunt Dinah's Pledge., ...... rf 254 Dot; the Miner's Daughter 9 5 202 Drunkard, The 13 ^ 185 Drunkard's Warning o ^ 189 Drunkard's Doom.. ...15 f> 181 Fifteen Years of a Drunk- ard's Life......^, IJ i Fruits of the Wine Cup 6 o 6 183 104 Lost., ■E -^A Valuable Fish.4^ A COMEDY-DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS BY — Wm. F. Cattell. TO WHICH 18 ADDED A DESCRIPTION (IF THE COSTUMIOS— CAST OF THE on A U AC TERS— ENTRANCES AND EXITS -RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE liUSlNESS. Entered acconlinor.to act • > , X ^^ [p^ ^ \^ I fwo coptes rtecttvca COSTUMES -MoUern, ^^' JUL 10 1905 V -X- TIME—The present, +~" "273fi OF PLAYING-^ hours and 20 minutes. Co. SYNOPSIS ON LAST PAGE. .. : AH Professional Rights Reserved. Amateurs. STAGE DIRECTIONS. ■o- 1,. T Teff R H., Right Hand; L. H., Left Hand; R., means R.ghtj i- /^^^g^^j^,,^ Ent!-ance ; u. e., Upper V...triD discovered behind stand at rise of curtain. Carl. Veil, I have llie finest lot of fisl> to-day 1 have had in a loiio; vih'. I ouiiht to get a dollar ami a half for dot voiie. {picks up fish iiear c.) Veil, 1 dink I vill smoke my pipe uud have me a smoke out vile 1 vait for my customers. {exit l. 2 k. Entei- Tom Harden, l. 1 e., hurriedly. Tom. Curse that fool! I thought 1 had him knocked out. {has a siaail chamois bag with dianionds) Well, I his is a haul and no mis- lake, they must be worth $20,000. I thought they were beauts, but they beat the baud. What the devil shall I do with tljem. He will ha\e the Cops on my track before I can reach tlie fence, {sees fish on utand) All! the fish — I'll put them in this one, ami keep an eye t)u the stand. If 1 have given the old jay the slip, which 1 think I have, 1 will buy the fish and they will never think of looking for them there, {p^its diamonds in fish, then looks off \.. 1 e.) Ha,ng me! if he aiu't after me! Well, I'll tool liim or my name ain't Tom Harleu. {exit li. u. E. Entei' Carl, l. 2 e, smoking a long pipe. Carl. Veil, there is nothing like a good smoke, Entei' Mr. Andrews, l. 1 e., very excited. Mr. AndreiDS. I am sure I saw the scoundrel standing liere a moment ago. Which way could he have gone? Carl. Good-morning, sir! Kin I do anydings for you dis morn- ing—ain't it! Andrews, {starts, turns, sees Oaml, then goes to him) Which way did tlie man go that was standing there? {points to where Tom stood Carl. I did not see dot man dot vas not standing dere. Vould you like to buy some fish ? ( picks up tlie fish loith the diamonds in it AndreiOH. No! no! I want too — Carl. 1 vill give you dis one for a dollar and a half. {holh up fish Andrews. Which way did that man go? 4 ' A VALUABLE FISH. Carl Wliich— vhat man? Andrews. The man that was standing there just before I spoke to Carl. I vill give you dis fish for a dollar and a quarter^— it is cheap. Andrews. You are a fool!' {looks n. 1 E.) He must have sfone lliis way. I'll try! {e-vit h. 1 u:. Carl Dot man is a lunatie. {puts fish on stand i.. of other Ji.-m. (picks up fish it. c.) Well, how much is this one? Carl Two dollars! Tom. What! two dollars for that? Do you think I am a jay? Carl You can have dis one for a dollar and a half. 2om. No, 1 \\2i\\l this one! Carl You can iiave it for two dollars. 2'om. Here's two dollars! (gives mo nej/, takes fish Carl Shall I clean it for you once? To7n. Not on your life, liye, bye, Dutchy! {e.cit i.. 1 b:. Carl Two dollars for that lish vas pretty good. I make me a ooks? Mary. He did not know I liad lost it, but by the e.\i)ression of my face he saw that I was troubled, lie said, and he asked me what the trouble was. 1 told him that 1 had lost my pocket-book witli fifty- dollars in it. Mr. C. Ye did? Carl. Didn't she say so? Mary. Tlienhesaid "How fortunate! I just picked up this purse. I have not examined it as yet. If there is fifty dollars in it, it is yours." Mr. C. Well, I never! Carl. Kaither did 1! Mary^. And he look my pocket-book from his pocket! "It's mine" 1 saiti; "let us be sure," he said, and he opened it, and there was— Mr. C. What? Carl. Sawdust! Mtry. aiy fifty dollars all right! I told him T was going to Cin- cinnati to take a position as type-wriler, and iie .said he was going there too, to act as floor walker for a dr} goods firm. Carl. To valk Hoors! Mai'y. And tliat he would be ploi'S'^d !o be my companion during 10 A VALUABLE FISH. the trip. Mr. C. Oh? Mary. And of course I said yes! Mr. C. Ye said yes I Carl. Yaw! she said slie said yaw! Mary. I found out after we wei-e mai'ried, tliat it was he wlio picle,s behind counter) Corned beef! Och, it alvays makes me think of horses meat! Give me good sourkrout and frankfort sausages. Enter Willie, l. u. e., comes down. Vhat it is? Willie. Oh!" T beg pardon if I am interrupting or interfering, or in any way, detaining, pi-eventing, or I might say. allo<\ing luysflf to be so selfish as to tliink. or su[)p;)se, or imagine that for a •siiiiiJe instant you would be benefitted by imparting to me the information that I, or I might say, that I would not encrosi.ch on yotir vahiable time, I assure you as a gentleman. If it was not of the utmost im- portance to myself personally, and privately, and not by any means benefitting anyone else half so much as myself at the present moment, if you will kindly and correctly direct me to the abode of - A VALUABLE! FISH. 11 Carl. Oh, yawl of course nit! Willie. 1 hopn that you can give me the information \ seek, and that you will not think that I am rude or nin,''entlenianly, because I ask you, a perfect stranger, tti inform me of that which I am so de- sirious to kno \ , namely, tiie abode of Miss Agnes Crombie? Carl. Veil I should forget to reCollect if I could not. Willie. Oil! 1 am so glad! Enter Mr. Andrews, ii. 1 e. An<1rew.m. Did you clean it? Carl 1 did* not yet! Tom. AViiere does that woman live? Carl. U\erlhere! {points to Ji. 2 ^. Tom. TlianUs, Dutchy! {>itarti^ u. Carl. Siiy. hoUl on, I make me a mistake, they are not going to have dot tish for dinner to-day. IVm. Why nol'.' Carl. Hecaiise she put it on the ice for to-morrow, Friday! 2'om. Good! I'll have that fish if I have to loose a leg! {starts to R. Carl. Give me two dollars und I get the fish for you. Ihm. I'll get the fish, {knocks at door of house Carl. Yaw, you vill nit! {exit l. 2 k. Enter Mary, r. 2 e. Mary. Well, sir! what can 1 do for — Thomas Harlen! my husband! Tom. Mary C'rombie! my wife at last! So you thought to desert me, did you' Well, you see, I have found you, Mary. Well, it will do you no good. Eveii now you are under a disguise. Tom. Keep quiet! Mary. 1 will not! T married you in good faith. I thought you a man of honor, good, noble and true! Tom. Curse you I will you keep quiet? Mary. But I have found you to be a thief, a swiuiiler, an enemy tohumanity in the form of a man! but lower than the vilest reptile that crawls the earth! A coward, afraid to fight the battle of life, but cunning enough to rob those who have fouirht ;i.nd won. Merci- ful heaven! to think that a creature like you .should be my husband! Tom. Yes, your husband, who y(»u swore to love, honor and ol)ey. Mary. Husband! No! before the justice of God and man, you are not my husband. Tom. But the law has made me so. Mary. Ijaw! You talk of law. You, that have broken every hivr for the good of man, but that of murder. You, who won my love by deceit and treiichery. Law, you know no law but that of self. You go your way, I will go mine! Tom. {catches her kanil) Curse you! Your way shall be mine, ;:.nii mine yt»urji! {throws her u. U ^ VALUABLE FISH. Ent&i' Carl, l. 2 e., strikes Tom on shoulder^ Carl. Not if I know it! T'om. Take tluit you Dutch jay! {knocks Caul down L. 1 el Mary, {runs to house u., calls) Fatlier! father! Entei' Mr. Crombie, />-o»i house, i\. Mr. C. What is it? Who is it? Mary. Tom Harleii! Tom. {throios Mu. Ckombfe on top o/Carl, l. 1 "E.—they scramble and get up) Get out of my way! {grabs Maky and starts for k. 1 e. JSnter Agnes, k. 1 e. Agnes. Mary! Mary. Allies! Tom. {to Agnics) Curse you! get out of my way! Mary, {"triig filing) Let me «o! Agnes. Whai are you up to? Tom. That's my business! Agnes, {points pistol) Well, I'll make it mine. I'om. {lets go o}' M.AHY) Curse you! Enter Mrs. Croubie, from house, n. Mrs. C. Ohl my, what's this? (Mary ra/i« ^o Mks. Chombie Agnes, {to Tom) Now you yet! Tom. I'll be even with you all! {exit it. 1 e. I£nter Policeman, l. u. e. Policeman. Here, what is this row about? Agne» Oh! you're too late! It's all over — see! QUICK CURTAIN ACT II. SCENE.— c. E. wiUi cnrtnins, in 3rd. grooves, backed by a liaU — carpet on floor — table i.. witlt two newspapers, two chairs r. and l. of table, sofa R,, screen r. of c. e., doors r. and l,, window l. — Mary discovered seated r. of table, sewinq. Mary. As I feared, he has followed me. But why has he done so? He does not love me, that I am sure of. Why did he come to the house lastni«:ht? How did he know that I was in New York? But there is one thing I am determint-d on, and that is never! never to think of him as my husband, or share his liome, no matter what may happen, and I pray that I may never see l>is face again. Enter Mrs. Crombie, r. 1 e. Mrs. C. Ah! Mary, me darlin'! {kisses her) Why are ye lookinj? so sad? Sure, is it that blacliguard of a husband ye are thinking of? A VALUABLE FISH. 15 Mary. Yes, mother. Mrs. C. Sure, don't ye be worrying about liim, be is not worth it. Mary. 1 know it, mother! But 1 cannot lielp it. lor I fear that lie may, in some way, do us all harm, for there is nothing to be feared more than a liar and a thief. Mrs. V. Well, well' don't ye bethinking about him. He'll do ye no harm me darlin'. Mary. I do not fear so much«for myself. Oh! I don't know why, but it seems as if something terrible was going- to ha[)peii. {rises Mrs. C. Goto your room, me darlin', and try and get a little sleep, and you will feel better. Mury. Peril aps ! {crosses \.. Mrs. C. And if that villain shows himself liere, begorra, some- thing terrible will happen to him! (^.ivY Maky, r-. 1 e.) Oh, my! Oh, me! Oli, my! Well, well! {arranging furniture (fbmit .ftnge) And to think that I am the mother-in-law of a robber, a thief and a liar. Oh! I hat I should live to see this day. Sure, it will drive me crazy, thinking about it. Sure, look at me now. I've just told Mary not to worry about the thieving— Oh! be the powers, 1 forgot all about cleaning the fish, and we are to have dinner at six o'clock, {starts toward K. I R.—hell heard off Vi.) Be the powers, there's the bell. Who the devil can it be. I wonder! {starts for c. &. Enter Wu.iAE, c. B.,fromn. Willie. Why, how do you do, Mrs. Crombie? T am delighted to see you. 1 suppose you are just up to your eyes in work, getting everything in preperation for the dinner you are about to give in lionor of the return of your daughter, Mary, who has just returned from the West. Aggie told me all about it. How thoughtful of you, and you are going to celebrate her return by cooking a fish. I assure you I am delighted to be one of the invited guests, as it is to be so unique a dinner as fish on Friday. It is quite the proper thing, I am told. Mrs. C. Oh! yes, Mr. Simpson, I am very pleased to see that ye are on time. But ye must excuse me for a moment, as I just heard the bell ring. Willie. Oh! don't excuse yourself, Mrs. Crombie. It was I who rang the bell, and just as I did so, I discovered that the door was not locked; and as I did not w ish to trouble any one to come to the door w hen it was open, I just walked right in. So you see, m}' dear Mrs. Crombie, you will not liave to answer the bell, as I am here, and 1 am very pleased to have the pleasure of conversing with the mother of the best, the most beauiiful, that is in my eyes, and amiable girl in this great city. Mr. C. Oh! yes— I don't know, but I suppose so! Be me grand- mother's rocking chair! 1 must clean the fish. Willie. Clean'^the fish! What fish! Mr.'t. C. Why, the fish for dinner, to be sure. Willie. Oh! yes, of course. How foolish of me t® forget. By the way, Mrs. Crombie, what kind of a fish is it? 3frs. C. Sure it's a cod fish, and a fine one it is too. Willie. Oh, indeed! How romantic! 3Irs. G. No! it's a cod fish! Willie. Oii, yes, to be sure. I understand, but ifrs. Crombie te A VALUABLE FISH. ■when did Mr. Crombie ca.teh it? „ Mra. C. When did me husband catch it, is it? Wdlie. Yes, Mrs. Crombie, I am quite a fisherman myself, audi should so lil fully. So you have been resid- ing in tl>e west for the past two years. I suppose you were very much infatuated witli the west? Mary. Quite the contrary. To me there is no place like New York after all. Willie. Oh! yes, I suppose so! I expected to see your sister, Aggie! ^M(iry. Slie will be in shortly. She has only gone to the store, so you vvM)n't have to wait long. Willie. Thanks, awfully, I assure yo\i. By the way, Agyie has spoken of you so often in the past year, that 1 feel as if 1 had known you for an age. Mary. Indeed! Willie. And I am sure you won't mind! Mary. Oh, no! Millie. Oh! I don't mean that! I mean you won't mind if T tell you that 1 am deeply and truly in love with your sister, your dear, darling sister, Aggie? I call her Aggie, because I like it better ihan Aiiiies. It distorts the features to proiiouiice Agnes, and besides L like Aggie belter, don't you? But of course you do! I love her desperiUely, devotedly, passionately, and to-day, if [ can only pluck up coinage enough, I shall ask her tube my dear, darling little wife. A VALUABLE FISH. n W()iil(^n't von? Mary. Well, u'. Simpson, if you love her dearly and rruiy, and inleiul to nialve lier a «!;ood husband, I say yes! Willie. Thanks, awfully, I'll make her the best liusbaud in the world. Do you think she cares for me? Mary. Yes, I am sure she does. Willie. Thanks, awfully. Enter Agnes, c. ^. from r., tcith small parcel. Agnes. Hello! Mary. Tliere's your cotton. {handi, parcel to Mahy Mary. Thanks! Aqnex. Well, Willie, how are you? {YfiiA^iK gets up) You little dear, you look killino;. {they embrace Willie. Thanks, awfully! M(try. Airnes! Af/nes. Well, what is it^ Don't you see tliat T am engaged at the present moment {kisses Jiim) on pressing business? M^illie. Oh. Aggie! {goes up stage Aqiies. {to Maky) Well, what is it? Mary, {aside to Agnks) Mr. Simpson has jnst told me that if lie could pluck up courage, he would propose to you to-day. Agnes, {aside to Maky) He'll get the courage. I'm not going to let tills chance slip. I'm after that half million, and I mean to get it, and don't you forget it. Mary. Why Agnes, don't talk so! {to Wimje) Excuse me, Mr. Mr. Simpson. Willie. Oh! certainly — awfully glad! Mary. Thank you. {laughs, exit c. e. Willie. Oh, no! 1 mean that T am awful sorry. Agnes. Oh, indeed! So you are sorry my sister lias left us? Did you come to see me or my sister, Mr. VVillie Simpson? Willie. No! no! 1 mean — 1 mean 1 am sorry she didn't go before. Agnes. Well, that's different. Come, sit here, Willie, and tell me all tlie news. {sits on sofa, u, Willie. With the greatest of pleasure! Aggie, I — I have some- thing very important to ask you. {sits on sofa Agnes, {aside) I believe he's plucked up the courage, {aloud) Have you, Willie, dear? Willie. Yes, I have. Agnes. Well, what is it, Willie, dear? {aside) I can see that half million now. Willie. I want to— to ask you if — if — Agnes. Well, Willie dear, if what? M'diie. If you think you could — I don't know if F should ask you, perhaps it would not be right, Agnes. Oh, yes, it would. I am sure it would, dear Willie! Willie. Well, yes, perhaps it would. But I don't know how toasiv you too — I mean — Agnes. You mean! Yes, Willie, you mean — Willie. Yes, I mean! I hardly know what I mean. Agnes. 1 know what you mean. Wdlie. Why, do you? Agnes. Yes, you mean, dear Willie, that if you had lie courage, jg A VALUABLE FISH, you would ask me. Willie. 1 suppose that's it. Agnes. I know it is, Willie dear, {gets up) but you wait, and I'll fix that all right. (^-^'^ ^- »• Be-enter Agnks, l. e., with a glass of cider. Willie. Why Aggie, how? . /, ^ , Agnes. By giving you some— drink thisi {/lands glass Willie. What is it? Agnes. Courage! Willie dear. Willie. What? Agnes. Cider! Willie. Oh, my! T couldn't drink cider. Agnes. But you must, Willie, it will do you good. Willie. But 1 never drank anything stronger tiian soda water in my life! Agnes. Then it's time you did. You don'i know what you've missed, Willie. Willie, {.smells of glass) Oh, my: how strong it must be. Ugh, I don't want too. Agnes. Hut you will drink it to please me, won't you, Willie dear? Willie, {takes glass) I will to please you, Aggie dear {raises glass and drinks Agnes, {holds glasstoWihi.iv/ slips) Drink it all. you little darling that's it. {takes glass, puts it on table Willie. Oh, Lordy! Oh! my— my— my mouth! my mouth! my throat! my throat! Oh, my! my! my! my! {places hands on .stomach, dances about stage Agnes. Oh! Willie dear, do stop, don't go on like that. Willie, {sit-f on sofa) Water! Water! Agnes. Keep quiet, and I'll get you .some! Do you want to bring mother and Mary here? Willie. Oh, T-iordy! if you love me, give me some water! Carl, {heard off n.) I tells you, Mr. Crombie, there is nothing like a good game of base balls. I am dead stuck on base balls. Agnes. IMiere's Mr. Kattzenhund, and the old man. Willie, {smiles) Aggie, dear! dear Aggie, give me water! Agnes. I'll get you some water. Willie. No, Aggie, dear! {smiles) no water, but cider! cider! Tt'g lovely now, it's lovely. (laughs Agne.s. (looks at Wu.uk) Good heaven! what's the matter? Wdlie. Nothing's the matter you little dear! dear! dear cider. Agnes. I do believe you are full! Willie^ {gets vp, staggers) Cider! let me have some more cider! Mr. 0. [heardoffYi.) Well, 1 tell ye, Mr. Kattzenhund, lam gone on horse races. It's the grandest thing in the world to see a horse race. Agnes. Come, Willie, get behind this screen, so that the old man won'l see you — quick! Wiliie. Cider! Give me some cider! Agnes. Come quicU, before Ihey aie liei-p. {puts WiT.i.iE behind screen h.. j)f c v.., stnnd.s with her back to it A VALUABLE WISH. 19 Entei' Mr. Crombie and Carl, c. e. from r Mr. C. So ye are there, Agnes, are ye? Agnes. Yes, I'm bere. Carl. How do you do. Miss Aofnes? Agnes. No better for seeiuof you. Carl. Den you must be very veil. Mr. C. Sit down, Mr. Kattzenbund, and make yourself at home. Carl, {sits i,. of t aide) Thanks, and I vill sbust look tlie paper out und see if the New York Base lialls win not a games to-day. Mr. C. {sits R. of table) And »"llsee if me choice Sir Walter won the Brooklyn Handicap to-day. Willie, (looks over .screen— ttside to Agnes) Aggie I dear Aggie! ■ Agnes, {aside to WH'\.ik) Hush! Wdlie. {aside to Ao^ii-a) Please give me some more cider, Agnes, {aside to \Ni\a,iv:.) Keep quiet. {pushes him doion Mr. C. Say, Katt/enbund, I've got some foine Jersey Apple-jack. Would ye like to try a glass? Carl. Yhat it is not. Jack's apples! I never beard me dot before once. Mr. C. No, Apple-jack! good old apple whiskey. Carl. Vhat! apple Whiskey! 1 don't forget -to remember ever drinking dot. Mr. C. {aside to Cah\.) Ye see, a friend of moine over in New Jersey sent me soine. And as the old woman and the gals think thot I don't drink anything stronger than cider, 1 told them thot a friend of moine sent me some cider. Good joke, wasn't it? Carl. 1 don't see il yet. Mr. C. What! ihe point? Carl. Nein, dot Apple-jack whiskey. Mr. C. {laughs) Pretty good! Agnes, bring a glass of cider for Mr. Kattzenhund and one for me. Agnes. All right, father, do you want it now? Mr. G. Of course we want it now. {exit Agnes, l. k. Re-enter Agnes, l. b., with a bottle and tioo glasses. Carl. Yaw, right avay pretty soon quick. Agnes. Well, here it is. AoifiES pours out two glasses, places one by Kattzenhund arid the other by Mr. OuOMBiifi, then goes up stage with empty bottle. Willie, {looks over screen, aside to Agnes) Aggie, ciderl Agnes, {aside to Wir.LiB) It's all gone! Agnes holds up empty bottle— Ww.j.ik disappears behind screen, disgusted — exit Agnes, l. e., with bottle. Re-enter Agnes, l. e. Mr. C. Try thot, it will make your hair curl Carl, {who is looking at paper) All right, I vant to see about Base Ball first. Mr. C. At your pleasure, Mr. Kattzenhund. {sips a little) Ah! that's the stuff! I'll look up the Brooklyn Handicap, {reads paper eo A VALUABLE FISH, WllUe. (over screen, aside to Agnes) Agoie! dear, dear Aggie r A(/ues. {aside to Willie) Well, what is itV Willie, {points to glass on table, aside to Aghi.s) Give me some more eider. Agnes, {aside to Willie) I can't, that's all there is. Willie, {aside to Agnks) Oh, Lordy! Lordy! 1 must have some more cider. ' Agnes, {aside ^a Willie) Well, keep quiet, and I'll try and swipe it for you. Willie, {aside to Aq^ks) Yes. do quick! Agnes, {takes Kattzenhund's glass and gives it to ^Yl\.^l.lK— aside to him) Weil, here! Willie, {drinks it. aside to her) More! more! {hands glass to her Agnes, {aside to him) • Well,' wait a miiiutt*! Agnes puts glass hack where it teas before, then takes Mu. Cuombie's glass and gives it to Willie. Willie, {drinks it, then hands glass back to Agnes, aside to her) Oh, Lordy! that's lovely! You're a little dear. (Agnes puts glass on table tchere it was before, then goes up stage Mr. C. Well, here's luck! {takes up glass Carl. The same to you. {takes u^ glass Mr. Crombie aiid Kattzenhund raise their glasses icithout looking at them, until they go to drink, then discover them empty. Mr. C. Empty! Carl. Noddings in! • Mr. C. Mr. Kattzenhund, I took ye for a gintleman. Carl. Mr. Crombie, I mistook you for a geiitleinaiis. You ask me to have a glass of Jersey Apple-jacks, uud you give me a glass mid noddiiigs in. Mr. C. My daughter placed two glasses of Apple-jack on this table, one for ye and one for meself, and ye have drank them both. Carl. " Mr. Crombie, you are a liar. Mr. C. {jumps up, grabs Caul) A liar, am I? Ye duck fish dealer! I'll show ye! (Mu. Crombie and Caul scramble and fall l., Mk. Crombie o?i top Willie, {falls off chair toward c. K. , knocking screen over) Oh, cider! Agnes picks up screen, places it in front of Willie, then goes behind screen, Mr. G. What's thot? Carl. Let me up! Agnes, {behind screen) Get up! you fool! Willie {behind screen) Give me some more cider! Cider, sweet, sweet cider! Mr. C. Cider, is it? {gets up, looks towards screen) What the devil is it? Carl. I give it up! {gets up Agnes. Get up! get up! Willie. Don't! don't! {exit Agnes a/jrf Willie, c. e, Carl. Vhat it is not! Mr, G. Be the powers! there's some one or two b.'hind thot screen. {picks up chair r. if table and goes up stage R. A VALUABLE FISH. SI Carl Yaw, or three. ( pioks up chair t,, of table and goes up ntnrje t,. Mr. C. Well, may the Lord spare them, whoever they are; I won't! Mu. CwoMaiK and Ck\u, raise thei)' chairs and bring them down behind screen, knocking it down, Carl Veil, did you ever not. {places chair hack Mr. C. Well: well! {places rhjur hnck Carl. Say, Mi-. Crombie, on the quiet, do you think that we have the jimmie jams? Mr. C. Be mfe soul! T think we have, and from this niiiht lorili, I swear never to call Apple-jack, cider again. . Curl. Und neither vill I not. {picks up screen, places it \.. Enter Tom Harlen. c. e. disguised as a Jeic. Tom. How do you do, gentlemans? I hope 1 find you veil! Mr. C. I hope ye do. Carl. Yaw, we hope you do! do! Tom. Have you got any old clothes you vant to sell? Mr. C. No, we have not. Carl. Nein, we don't sell old clothes, don't it. T'om. Veil, perhaps your vile would like to sell some old dresses. Vill you kindly ask her. Carl. Nein, I vill not. I couldn't do it if I tried, because [ haven't got no vife to ask. Mr. C. And I will not, so ye can go! Mrs. C. {heard off h ) Moike! Moike! Agnes! Mary! Mary! Oh! be the po^^ ers! Carl. Vhat it is! Enter Mus. Crombie, r. 1 e., icith small chamois bag. Mr. C What's the matter? What has happened to ye? Carl. Yaw. vhat it is not. Mrs. C. Oh, Moike! look! look! {hoUU up bag) Diamonds! Dia- monds! or I'm dead! A bii.g full of real diamonds! Mr. C A bag of diamonds? Sure, have ye gone crazy? What do you mean '' Tom. My dear lady, let me see them? Mr. C. Indade and she'll not let ye see them! Let me see them? Mrs. C. Here, Moike, look! look at them, they are real. {gives bag to Mil. Ckombie Carl. Yaw, let us see the diamon(is not. Mr. a. {takes bag, opens it) Well! well! would ye look at thot! Did ye ever in ye'r loife see tlie loikes of thot? Diamonds! real diamonds! Mrs. C. Yes, Moike, real diamonds! Carl. Let me get a look at those real not diamonds onoe already yet. Tom. Perhaps they are not real, mine dea.rs! Lei me see Lhem und I vill tell you if they are. .1/?'. G. .\n(i what the devil do ye know about diuuonds? Sure ye deal in old clothes. S2 A VALUABLE FISH. Tom. Oh! yes, mine dear! But sometimes I deal in diamonds, und I am a very good judge, Carl. Did you hear that, he says he vas a Judge. Oh! you itre a lulu of a liar. I'om. A judge of diamonds, mine dears. Enter Mary, l. 1 e. Mrs. G. Oh! Mary, come here and look at the diamonds I found! Mr. C. Yes. come and loolv at tliem, tliey are real! Mary. Diamonds! Carl. Nit! I bet me a dolhir aiul thirty cents they are glass. Tom. Let me see tliem good people, anti I vill tell yon! Mary, (looking at diamonds) Oil! wiiat beauLies tliey are. Tom. Let me see tliem only one minute. Mr. G. Not a second! Carl. Nit, not for half a second! Mrs. C. Oh! the Lord be praised, they must be worth a grbat deal of money. Mary. Yes, they must! Mr. G. About one million dollars I ttilnk. Carl. Yaw, about thirty cents. T'om. Let me see them and 1 will tell you how much tliey are worth. Mary. Oli! mother, where did you find them? Mr. G. Yes, where did ye find them? Carl. Vhere did you loose them noi-, Mrs. Crombie! Mrs. G. I found them in tlie head of the cod fish tliot Mr. Kattzenliund gave me. Mary. Oh mother! how strange! . Mr. G. In the fish? Carl. You find them not in the cod fish dot T gave you, Mrs. Crombie? Mrs. G. Indade and I did! Carl. Oh! vhat a jack ass I vas to give such a valuable fish avay as that.. 1 sliould kick myself for it, doyou !orld. Mary. Let me go! Tom. Don't be in a hurry. Mary. Let me go, or I will call the police. Tom. (lets go of her) Well go! and go to the devil for all I care. Mary. Thank lieaven! {e.nt h. 2 e. Tom. Yes, she can go! and be hanged for all I care. [ tlioui-ht [ could make something of her, but she's too good. Well, I've gt)t the diamonds and that's all I want. I must get away from here in double quick time, (puts hand in pocket in which the diamonds were) Gone! gone! (goes through all pockets) Gone! Damnation, slie has taken them! I'll have them back if I have to kill her to g^et them. (exit u. 2 E. Enter Willie, l. u. e. Willie. Oh Lordy! Oh Lordy! I'm a sight. T— I feel— T don't know how 1 feel. Oii! if [ ever get over this, I'll never drink cider again, (sees hag of diamonds, kicks it) I wonder what that is? ( picks it up, looks in it) Diamonds! diamonds! (sits on bench u.) Wliat a find! I wonder if I've got 'em. Oh my! perhaps some one stole them atul in running away, lost them. If the police see me with them, tliey might arrest me as the thief. Entei' Agnes, l. u. e., sees Willie. What— what shall I do with them? I'll put them in my pocket. (puts diamonds i7i pocket Agnes, (slaps Wii-lie on back) So I've caught you at last. Willie, (drops on knees) Oh Lordy! It wasn't me! It isn't me! Agnes. Oh, come off! Don't you suppose 1 know you when I see you '! Willie. Aggie! dear, dear Aggie! (gets up Agnes. Ain't you ashamed of yourself to run away from me? Willie. Yes, indeed I am! Aggie dear, but I didn't run away. Agnes. Yes, you did, you know you did! Wdlie. No 1 didn't, Aggie dear! because I couldn't run. It was all I could do to walk. A'ines. What a dear little boy it is to tell the truth. Willie. And been use I didn't want to run away; ;ind because [ wanted to say sometliing toyou — I iiiean 1 wanted to asU you if — if— • S6 A VALUABLE FiaSL Agnes, (impatient) Yes, yes, go oiW Willie. If— If— Agnes. T would be your wife? Willie. Yes, yes, tliat's it! Agnes. 1 knew it, you little dear! Willie. AVillyou? Agnes. Will I? You can bet your sweet life T will, Willie! {grabs W^illie and hugs him Willie. Aggie, you are going to be my darling great big strong wife, and I am — Af/fies. Aggie's little boy. (hugs him— aside) lean see that balf million nowT (aloud) Willie dear, don't you think you had belti-i be going home, your mother will wonder where you are so late? {sits down Willie. Late! Is it late? {sits down Agnes. Why yes, it is after seven o'clock. Wdlie. Aiigie, I liave something else to tell you. T found some- thing and it may be worth a great deal of money — that is if they are real. Agnea. Why Willie, what are you talking about? If what is real? Willie. Well, I'll tell you. .lust as I entered the park, I picked up a chamois bag filled with diamonds. Aanes. You did? Willie. Yes, jind here they are. {sJioics bag) But I am afraid if anyone sees them in my hands, they will think that I stole them. No doubt some thief dropped them. Agnes. Dropped them ? {looks at diamonds Willie. That is what I think. Of course, someone that owned them might have lost them, but I don't think so. Agnes. Well, Willie dear, there maybe a reward offered forthem. We can look in the papers. You keep tliem in your pocket and don't say anything to anybody. I'll go with you as far as your house, and to-mori-ov you and [ will take them to Mr. Andrews, where tiad wori;s, and he will tell us if they are good. » Willie. Oh! I'm sure I hey are good, ain't you? Agne-H. 1 think so, but we want to be dead sure, see? {gets up Willie. Oh! yes, I see. {gets up Agne.'t. . AVell. comealong! It will be after eight before I get home. Willie. All right, Aggie, {puts arm around her) dear. See, I'll put the bag in my inside vest pocket — {puts bag in. pocket) there. Agnes. Yes, Willie dear, they will be safe there. {they go up c. Enter Policeman, l. 1 e., stops, looks after WiTiLie and Agnes. Willie. I think they will. Agnes. 1 know they will, Willie {kisses him) dear, {kisses him) Willie! Willie! Willie. Oh Lordy! Tiordy! " {exit Wir.T.iE and Agnes, r. c. e. Policeman. Well, they are happy anyway. It's the old, old story. I've been afflicted the same way myself many a time. May good Inck go with you both, as it has with ine and my jiood wife. God bless iier. Well, there are not many out to-nighl, for it looks very much as if we would have rain. Ihope it won't rain before twelve o'clock. {goes up c. A VALUABLE FISH. S7 Enter Miis. Crombie, l. u. k., rtuis into Policeman. Mrs. C. Oil, t'.iere ye are! Did ye see the blackguard? Did\ye see the scouiidrel! the thief! the robber! the— the— did ye see him? Which way did he go? Policeman. Which way did he go? Who? Mrs. C. Who is it! Who is it! Why, that dirty thieving, lyinir» sneaking husband of me danohter, disguised as a Jew. Oli! ihaL I should be standing on me two legs and live to see, this day — I mean night! Did ye see him ?• 'Policeman. My good woman, calm yourself and tell me plainly ■what you mean aiul who you are looking for. Mrs. G. - Be calm is it, and you dare to ask me to be calm, and me daughter's husband a thief, and the worst of it is he warned to murder me 'daughter and steal her, Yes,*steal me own daughter that I raised meself and brought up as a fine lady. To think that she should be stolen away by a thief! Policeman. Will you calm yourself? Mrs. C. No, be the powers, I will not! Where's me daughter? Will ye tell me where me daughter is? (ydis Policeman. If you don't tell me plainly what you mean and slop making such a noise, I'll take you to the station house and let you tell the Sargeant. Mrs. G. Arrest me, is it! Arrest me, Mrs. Elizabeth Agnes Mary Crombie, born in Dublin, Ireland, came to this country on the good ship Londonderry, landed at Castle Garden, in the year 1850, in the city of New York, and lived here ever since, to be threatened b,v a policeman with arrest, for askinga civil question ? Phew! ye'll lake me to the police station anith me! So, it's fighting yon are, is it? Carl. INly dear good kind Mr. Policeman, you are mistook. Ve vas not fighting, ve vas just trying to see if Mr. Crombie could throw me, or if 1 could throw him. Policeman. Well, the Sargent will give you a chance to explain. Come along. Mr. G. Let go of me! Do ye know w ho ye have by the collar? Policeman. No, and I don't care. Mr. G. Oh! ye don't care, don't ye? WgU, let go of me, or I'll soal< ye one! Carl. Say, don't you know that you have no right to pull me by the collar, and that you can't arrest me! Policeman. Well, if you two don't come with me quietly, I'll use my club on your heads, and you'll go to the hospital instead of the station house. Mr. G. Oh. is that so! Carl. Do you mean it? Policeman. Oh! enough of this, come along! Mary: ( heard ojf' k . ) H e I p ! h e I p ! Mr. G. Do ye hear that, a wonians voice —a woman calling for lielp? Let me go to her rescue. Carl. A vomans voices calling for help! Let me go Lo her rescues not. Policeman. Shnt up! Mari/. (heard of H.) Help! HelpI A VALUABLE FISR. SI J^iitei' Mauy, r. 2 E., ryns into Pofjcemans arms, icho lets go <>/Mu. Ckombie and Caul, they cronn l. Help! Oh! Mr. Policeman, save me, save me! Mr. C. My daughter! Enter Tom, r. 2 k. Tom. Oflacer, arrest that woman. Carl. Arrest your daughter! 7'om. I will accompany you to the station house and make a charire against her! F. C. 1 (loii'i know. Mr. Aiulrews won't tell anyone at present. He IS as ni\ sierioiis— MS mysterious as — Aiines. What? Who? Mrs. C. As ye'r father and Mr. Kattzenhund. Ai/iies. W hill are they mysterious aliout? Mrs. C. Wt'll, I'll tell ye— no 1 won't — that is, not just yet. A(//us. Why not? Mrs. C. Oh, never moind why not! I am so bothered Ihot I don't know what I am talking about. Ai/ites. I jiiiess you don't! But if Mary's husband robbed Mr. Andrews, I (.lon'l see why she should be afraid to tell of what he was robbed. Say, mother, Mr. Andrews couldn't have Mary's imshand arrested witliout lelling the police what he was robbed of. Who told you Mr. Andrews refused to tell of what he had been robbed? Mrs C. Sure, it was ye'r father and Mr. Kattzenhund. Agnes. Say, mother, I've got something to tell you. Now d()n't gel otf your trolley. Mrs. C. Get oti" me what? Agues. I mean, don't make a time and kick up a racket— see? Mrs. C. No, I don't see! Agnes. Well, I'm going to marry Mr. Willie Simpson. Mrs. C. The devil ye are! Agnes. You can just bet T am! Mrs. C. Well, ye'll see when your father comes home, what he says about it. Agnes. Oh, T don't care what he says about it! lie don't count! Mrs. C. He don't count! don't heV Well, my tine gal, perhaps he don't, but I think he does, for he said he wouldn't ha\e ye run- ning around with dudes. Agnes. Willie is no dude! He is just as nice as can be, and I'm going to marry him, and he is coming here to-day to see you and father. Mrs. C. W^ell, if he has any regard ft)r his delicate constitution, he'll not see ye'r father, for if he does, I am afraid he will receive an introduction to the toe of liis boot. Agues. I guess not. Mrs. (J. Well, Jiever moind thot tiow. Come into the kitchen, I have something I want ye to do for me. Agnes. All right, mother, {inds arm around Mks. Ckombie's loaist) liut say, you'll put a good word in for me with father, won't you? Mrs. G. Sure and wliat good would that do, ye know he'd say no. Agnes. Hut he wouldn't if you said yes. You know he wouldn't. Say that you'll say yes. Mrs. G. All right. I'll say yes, ye coaxing devil ye! (e.veu7it R. 1 E. Enter Mr. Cuombib and Carl, c. e., both looking very serious— both ait, Gnrl. Say, Crombie! Mr. G. What is it? GatL Doyou thinic he villget life? A VALUABLE FISH. SS Mr. C. Who? Carl. Your daiifrbter's liusbaud. Mr. C. What for? Carl. Vhy, for hitting Mr. Andrew^ on the head mid a c!ub, niu. stealing a bag of diamonds. Mr. C. Diamonds! diamonds! Oh! what will 1 do! What will I do! Carl. Say, what's the matter mit yourself anyvay. Mr. C. AVhat's the mailer, is it? Sure, when me wife liears thot 1 lost the diamonds, brcause 1 didn't put them in me inside pocket, she'll go cra/y. Oh, what will I do! Carl. Say, what's the matter mil 3'ou? Do you want to go crazy mit yourself? Mr. C. Oh, don't jest witli me, Kati'/enhuud. But why! why did ye take tiie diamonds out of me pocket? Carl. Veil, if you had put them in your inside pockets, I vould uot have been tempted to play a Joke on you! Mr. C. Ye are right, Katizenhund, it was all me fault, for not taking me wife's advice. And I'll do it if ever I get the diamonds again! Carl. Say. Crombie! I've got 'em! {gets up Mr. C. What! {jumps up) The diamonds? Carl. Nein! an idea! (sits agai7i Mr. C. Well, keep it!° Nothing but diamonds will satisfy me now. [sinks back into chair Carl. Vaite! vaite! iust vaite! Mr. C. Well, ain't 1 waitinir? Carl. Veil, you knox the day 1 gave your vife tlie fish? Mr. C. Do 1 remember it? Dove think lam de;id? Sure, tliere's been nothing but trouble in the house since. Bad luck to ye and the tish. Carl. Do you know tliat vas the day that Mr. Andrews was sand bagged and rt)bbetl of the tjiamonds. Mr. C. Inda.de I do! and that the same day thot me daughter's husband wanted to carry her olf. Carl. Y'aw, und that same day he, your daughter's husband, bought a cod fish from me for two dollars, und after I had given your vife a coil tish, he came back und wanted to buy that one, for he asked me wlio liad the fish. Mr. C Well! Carl. Veil, I think after he stole the diamonds he put them in the fish and ran avay, und vlieii he come back, he bought the wrong fish, see? Mr. C. Be the powers ye are rigiit, Kattzenhund, and tlie dia- monds me wife found, were the very same thot Tom Harlen stole from Mr. Andrews. But where the devil are they now? C((H. I give it up! Mr. C. I'll never give up the search for them. Some one must have Ihem. Carl. Say, don't you forget, that Tom Harlen said that your daughter stole the diamonds from liim just before Mr. Andrews had liim arrested! Mr. C. That's it! He's the one that took tliem from ye! Carl. Uud your daughter is tlie one tliat took them from him, LOfC. SA A VALUABLE FISH. und tliey were the very same ones, und she says that she lost them. Mr. C. And if she said she did, she did! Oil! I wish I ijad never set eyes on tliem at all I at all! Carl. Me too! by jimney crickets. {bell heard off c. Mrs. G. {heard off v..) Agnes, g'o and see who's at the door. Agnes, (heard off ii.) All right, mother! Enter Agnes, k 1 e. Hello! dad. Hello! ^\v. Kattzenlmnd. Carl. H»^II.o! How do you do, Miss Agnes? Agnes. Oh! I'm all right. (m^ c. E. Cai'l. Say, Croinbie! that daughter of yours, Agnes, is a very smart girl. Mr. C. Yes, I think she is a little too smart; Enter Agnks, c. e. Agnes. Say, dad! here's a copper that wants to see you Mr. C. {jinnps lip) A what? Agnes. A policeman — see? Carl. Holy jimney crickets, we are pinched! {jumps up, gets under table Agnes. If you ain't, you ought to be. {exit k. 1 k. Entei' Policeman, c. e. Policeman. How do you do. Mr. Crombie? Mr. C. How do ye do, sir! Prel ty well, I thank ye, sir! (r. Carl, {under table) Don't say that I took them! Mr. C. I'll have ye hung if ye don't shut up! Policeman. What's the matter with your friend. Mr. Crombie? Mr. C. He's got— Carl. No I haven't! {comes out fromunder table) Upon my life I haven't! '{scared Policeman. Haven't what? Mr. C. Haven't got anything but a fit! Carl. Nein, und [ haven't got that if it belongs to anyone else! Policeman. Well, Mr. Kattzenhund, I am not looking for tits or you. but the Captain has just been informed by telephone from headquarters, that Tom Harlen escaped from the court room about an hour ago. Mr. G. What! me daughter's husband? Carl. Vhat! Tom Harlen gotavay? Veil, he is a jimmy dandy. Policeman. Yes, the otlicers had just brought him into the court room, when he slipped off the handcuffs and was out of sight before they knew it. 1 tell you he is a slick one. Carl. You bet your life he vas! Policeman. And the officers are now searching the city for liim. The Captain sent me to see if he had shown up here, and if not, to let you know that he had escaped. Mr. 'C. Well, what do ye think of thot? Sure, he hasn't been here as yet, and if he comes, he'll get a warmer welcome than he wants, begorry! Carl. You bet your boots und socks he vill! Policeman. Well, good-day, Mr. Crombie! I've delivered my mes- A VALUABLE FISH. 35 sage and must be off to be on the lookout for him. Should he come this way — Mr. C. Well, me brave guardian of the public, lead on and me and me friend, Mr. Kattzenhund, will follow and protect ye in the course of justice. Carl. Yaw, ve appointed ourselves detectives for the limes being. Policeman. Well, as you Icnovv him and I don't, come along. Mr. C Kattzenliund, you're brave! Carl. Take it, Crombie; the good left arm of Kattzenhund, the fisii man, ve vill find him. {holds out arm Mr. G. And when we do— Mr G \ ^^^ ^''^ '^'^'^ ^^"^ "^'^ '^"^^ ^^*''^' {exit Carl and Mr. Crombie, c. e. Policeman. If you do, I'll pull you both in. {exit c. e. Enter Agnes, r. 1 e. Aqnes. Well, [ wonder what that copper wanted here, and I'd like to know where the old man and Kattzenhund are goinj,^ wi*1i him? {looking off c. E.. Enter Mary, l. 1 e. (Agnes turns) Oh! Mary, I've got something to tell you! Why what's the matter? You look as if you had given the order for your funeral. Mary, {sits h.) I wish I had, Agnes, for it seems that thel^e is nothing in siore for me in tliis world but misery. Agnes. Oli ! don't talk like that. You don't feel well, I think? Mary. That isn't it! lam well enough! Oh, [wish to heaven_ that I had been struck dead before I ever married! Aqnes. Say, don't talk like that, you make the creeping creeps run up and down my back. Say, everybody don't feel like you do when they gel married, do they? Mary. I should hope not! Agnes. Well Mary, Willie has consented to be my husband at last. No, I mean tlial I lulve consented to be his wile, and he's coming here lo-day to see mamma and dad, and I'm going lo be worth half a million. Say, I'll be one of the Four Hundred, won't I? • Mary. I don't know. I suppose so. I hope you will be happy at any rate. Agnes. Happy with Willie! Well you can bet I will! Mary. Don't be so sure! You haven't married him yet! Agnes. Well, I am going too. Mary. But you do not seem to realize the disgrace that has be- fallen us. Agnes. Disgrace? Why, what are you driving at? Mary. AVliy, the disgrace of my husband, Tom Harlen, being ar- rested for i-obbery and assault. Agues. Oh, yes! ma said that he robbed Mr. Andrews, but Mr. Andrews wouldn't say what he stole. What was it? Mai-y. \\ was a little chamois bag full of diamonds. Agnes. Holy Moses! {almost drop. ^) A what? Mary. A little chamois bag of diamonds. You remember the fish Mr. Kattzenhund gave to mother? S6 A VALUABLE FISH, Af/nes. Yes, what's that got to do with the diamonds? Mary. A great deal! Tom Harlen stole the diamonds and put them in tlie moutli of a cod fisli on Mr. Kattzenljund's stand, tliinlv- iiig that if lie could give tl»e police, who were then after him, the slip, he would buy the fish. He did manage to elude them, but he bought the wrong fish. Mother found the bag of diamonds in the one Mr. Katlzeniiund gave her. A(/nes. Well, that's the first I have heard of that— go on! Mary. Father took the bag and started to go to Mr. Andrew's house to find out if they were real diamonds. A(/nes. Yes! yes! Mary. Mr. Katt/.enhund went with him! Tom Harlen was here disguised as a Jew — Agnes. Yes, mother told me that. Mary. He followed father and Mr. Kattzenhuiid, and in W;ishiiig- ton Park, Mr. Kattzeiihund took the bag from fathers pocket lor a joke, and Tom llarlen took it from Mr. Kattzenhund. Af/nes. Well, goon! Mary. And I took it from Tom Harlen. Agnes. Good for you! Mary. But instead of putting them in my pocket as I thought, I lost them. Agnes. In Washington Park? Mary. Yes, and my husoand, Tom Harlen, swears that I have them, and I am afraid that Mr. Andrews thinks hesi>eaks the tnilh. Agnes. Well, 1 know you haven't got them, and I can prove it. Mary. You? How? Agnes. Never mind how. but you just wait here until I come back, and you'll find that tiie future Mrs. Willie Simi>son is right up to nds? Enter Mus. CnoMBiii. u. 1 e. 3Ir8. C. Agnes! Oh! it's you, Mary. I thought Agnes was here. Mary. So she was, but she has just goun dui,. Mrs. C. Gone out is it, and where has she gone? Mary. I don't knt»\v. She tohl me to wait h re until she retnrned but she did not say where she was going. I told h/r about — Carl, {heard off n. There he goes! that's him! that's him! Policeman, {heard off u.) Which way? Who? Where? Carl, {heard off^ V,.) There, don't you see him, on top of that fence? Mr. G. {heard off R.) Hegorra! I do. Come on! Policeman. Stop, or I'll fire! Tom. {h eard off k ) F i r e a n d b e d a, m n e d to y o u ! Policeman, {report of pistol heard off' m.) Then take that! Mr. C. {heard off^ H.) Never touched him ! Mrs. a. iatc.K.) Tiie Lord preserve fr! What's I hat! Mary. {ate. E.) It sounds as if they were shooiiiigat some oue. Policeman, {heard off' R.—bell rings) Oi>en the door! Open the door, or I'll break it open! Mrs. C. Sure, who can it be? AVhat do they want? Mr. C. {heard off' ^.) Ye needn't nioind breaking it open, I have A VALUABLE FISH. S: a koy. Mary. JMerciful heaven! what can it all mean? liiiffi- Mr. Cuombiu;, Poi-iciiMAN and Caul, c' e. Mr. C. Did you see hhn? PoliceiiKin. lln\e yon got him? Carl. Wiiei-e is he? Let me <^et atliim! Mm. C. Sure, what's the niattei- with the lot of ye's? Are ye 's all cr:i/y ? Mary. Who are you looking for? Policeman. Tom liar! en. Mary. H;is he escaped? Carl You bet your sweet life he has, and he is a lulu. Ve saw him just a minute ago. Ve couhl iutve s ore he came in here. Mrs. C. ("ame in liere? Oh, the Lord help us! we'll all be killed. Mary. How did he come to esc:ipe? Policeman. We have no lime to answer questions now. He is in this house and we must find him. I'll search in here! {points \.. 1 \(.. — to Mk. Ckombik) You search that room, {points u. 1 k.) and you, {to CAn\.) giui.rd Ihe front door. Cttrl. 1 vill mid my life out! Policeman. We'll liave him if he is in the house. {exit L. 1 E. Mr. C. And theLordhel[) him when 1 lay me two hands on him! {exit K, 1 E. Mrs. C. I'll go with ye. Moike! Sure I can handle a poker with any of them. ' ('^•*<^ «. I e. Mary. And I will stay here and give the alarm if he tries to escape by the window. Carl. No, Aliss Mary, you had better come mit me und guard the front door. He is sure to go out mill the door. Mary. Very w ell, if you I li ink best. {exit c. TS.. Carl. Uiul if 1 catch liiin, 1 vill kick the head off of him for put- * ting diamonds in my fish. {exit is.. C. Enter Policeman, i,. 1 e. Policeman. Well, he is not in that part of the house, that's certain. Enter Mu. Ckombie, u. 1 e. Mr. C. And I'll swear he is not in the kitchen or dining room. ^/<\. Tom. Keep away from tiuit window, on your life! keep away! Mary. l)i) nol tliink that 1 am afraid of you, Tom Harien. Tom. Keep away, I tell yon! {throws her ajound n.) You call me a fool! Well perhaps I am, but I am not fool enough to leave here witliout tliose diamonds yon took from my pocket last night. Mary. I haven't got lliem, and you know it! 2'om. I know that you have got them, and 1 mean that you shall return them to me, so give them up. Mary. You know I told the Judge and Mr. Andrews that I lost them, You know I s^^ore it. T'om. Yes, I know all that, and you did it like an old hand at the business. Mary. How dare you talk to me so! I will call for lielp now, for all the pity I had for you is dead. (Tom springs at Maky atid throws her around l.) Let me go, you brute! T'om. Not until you give me those diamonds! Where are they, you she devil? Enter Mr. Andrews, c. e. Tom Give them to me and you shall never see me again. Andrews. Thomas Harien! {levels p idol) Let go of that woman! Tom. The devill {throws Maky i-., then crosses k. A VALUABLE F18H. 39 Enter >[ks. Ckombie. c e. Mrs. C. Oh! tlie devil is here! Mary! Why, what is the matter^ {yota to Maky Elite)' Carl, c. k. Carl. Come on! Come on, ve have him! Enter Mr. Crombie, c. e. Mr. C. Well he'll soon get out of here. Enter Poi -iceman, c. e. Policeman. (^^' Tom) Oh, there you are my beauty! {qoen to him) A nice cli:ise you gave us. {jnitu htindcvffn on ToM Andrews. Poiiceiuaii, I think you iiad better arrest tliat young lady also. Mrs. C. Arrest me daughter? What for? Andreips. I accuse her of being an accomplice of Tom Harleu, her liusband. Enter Agnes, c. e. Agnes. Pi.\u\ I say she is not. Andrews. Well, yiunig laily. who are you? Agnes. Miss Agiu-s Crotnhie! but soon to be Mrs. Willie Simpson; and 1 say that my sister Mary luisn't gt)t the dianu)nds. Enter Wii.ijk. k. c. e. Willie. No, INIr. Andrews, but I have, and here they are. {shmos hag of dintnonds) .lust in time. 1 found them in Washington Park last night. Agnes. Willie dear, come to my arms. {they en thr ace Mrs. C. ^Tlie saints be praised! Andrews. Mrs. Harlen, 1 feel lliat I am in duty bound to ask your pardon for my hasty accusation; and l)elieve me, I shall only be too pleased todoall in my p«)wer to atone for it. {to Mu. Ckombik) And you may be sure, Mr. Crombie, I shall not forget to reward you all for your lionesty, Agnes. Give my share to Mary, Willie and I liave money to burn. Carl. l)t)n't burn it, give it to me. Tom. Curse you all. {break* away from Policeman and runs out c. K. — Poi-iCKMAN goes toe. E. quickly and fires revolver — Tom heard on, outside) I'm done for! Policeman. I have stopped him. Agnes. Well, he won't want to buy another "Valuable Fish" — see? . QUICK CURTAIN. THE END. JUL 10 jfi A y ALU ABLE FISH. SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. ACT T — Kattzenhmid's fisli stand— Carl— The diamond robbery- Tom Hai-lan l.ides li.e diamonds in a fish-Mr. Andrews searchuig for his properlv-"Uot man is a lnnatic"-Agr.es and Carl-Mrs. Crombie interferes-"Let him know that you can lick any dutch- man in the worid"-The letler-'Tll read it to mese aloud - kattzenhund consoles Mrs. Crombie-Mr. Crombie-' 1 not have ye aoing around wUh dudes"-Mary arrives-"She don't know what hei°husband looks like'-Willie looking /or information-Andrews continues his search for the diamonds-The very tender meeting o Ao-nes and Willie— "1 haven't seen you in a thousand, two hundred Ion- long min,.tes"-Harlan looking for a fish-"My husband - The'escape— As usual the policeman arrives too late. ^ . , . ACT 11 —Home of Mr. Crombie— "Don't be worrying about him, lie is not worth it"-Mrs. Crombie makes P^-eparation loi- dinner- "BeMeGrandmother'sllockingChair, Imustclean the hsh "Agnes endeavors to make Willie propose with the help ot a lit le ^^f^^^;^^]^' —VV-iter' water'"— .Mr. Crombie entertains Katt/enhund— Willie shows effects of cider-Mrs. Crombie finds the lost diamonds-" Yaw, Avorth about thirty cents"^Mary-'-l know you in spite of your disuuise, 'Wnu Harlan, an.l you are not only a thiel, but a coward ACTllI— Park-Crombie and Katt/enhund-The diamonds change hands rapidly-'i di.in't run away from y;>"',;,^^>'l'^^•''^'^^^• —WiTlie finally proposes to Agnes artd is accepted— I see that halt million now"-Mrs Crombie looking for trouble-"Sure, I'll give him somethinir to remember, so 1 wiir-"Mine Himmel some one has robbed me too"-Crombie and Kattzenhund have troubles ot their own— The arrest of T.un Harlan. ,, a , APT iY_p.,,.i._Mrs. Crombie tells her troubles— Agnes hears startling news-The mystery-"! am going to marry Willie, and he is no dude"-Katt/enhund has an idea-Straighten. ng out the tangle 11'bv .limney Crickets, we are pinched"-On the track ot Tom H-trl-ui- "We will kill him mid our fists"— Agnes announces her en- tra^^ement t.. Willie-Mrs. Crombie joins in the Inmt tor Har'an- Mju-y and Tom-Caplured -"Arrest me daughter ' What tor.'-- Wmie restores the diamonds-l)eath of Tom Harlau-"He won t buy another valuable fish— See '^" ±i^^^^l}^^^^^^^^^i^^;i^ « ttixr ''""'■ M. F, . 6 4 58 Saved " 5 9 COMEIMES. 401 BoxandOox \'; g9 Colonel's MiBhap!: I ^ 287 Cousin Joslah ? , 225 Cupids Capers:;:;;;;; i i i ls^?i?^:-- ? 3l^ S^S'^I ? 9;^ Bii-a Family... : 5 2-379 Dntchml^f o^^^f"--;;,.:-: 3 124 394 *'o Caste 5 f5« Case of JeHiousy - J .? .{^ Cigrarette, The./ 1 2 S? G?;7?^f^^'°:« Board ^ ^ 188 2-4 S^^fy^ody Astonished! J 5 2^ ^'•eezin'^"aMother-i*"- ^ ^ ^ gi-'^romtheMidw^^y^iTei .M -S ^° •" a Post Offle'r^*"- 5 I S! i°* Spider =8" Web *» JoshuM. RI/^/^l,.„»* . Joshua Blod^ett. 25c: 3 3 8 5 ..7 2 209 ^ [^^"'^OM Assurance.. I ^ 9 3 •^^ Not So Bad After All I t *» Our Boys ^ ^ m Our Daughiers.:; 2 i E^°f '"''^ the Golden '^ 5an**'*^°°'*' ^ ^ li ias^.^'"'"'°^*''«'^*''«--^*--V^^^^ 5 5 2 74 ,^°L '° "Tanie YouVMotber: 370 8 tt 4 1 3 2 f?^ ^"^^ f^u^i tlie Baby... = t t 114 Passions * 3 !j 264 Prof. Jaine's-'EiDe;;---;;" ^ ^ 219 ^"^^^^"^^^ountr^Soo^^ 3 9JS « "^^^ *°"^ Bottles.. •• . ? I "^ mSS..^^^ Sharps-and ^ ff;'';^"'J"-^""vsVM:a8t4V:: H 3/0 Slight. Mistake. -*l Solon Shingle ■ Stub, 2oe.... ' Two Bad Boy.s. Three Hats, The f~'.(^ Reward \'aiefs Mistake': K '"^inning Hand, Ti idow 3Ii-( 398 308 9ft .305 5 14 2 H -A 3 3 U 4 'lutv. The. 5 TRAGJEDIJES. le Serf 6 3 CES&COMEDlETTiiS 32 Actor and Servant. 9 n 316 Aunt Charlotte's Maid t •. 320 All in a Muddle f '^ "•^' 1^'es.::;:::::; f ? •Srhe.Me, The.. 4 4 arpet Bag, That.. 3 3 Hotel Healthy 7 ' Haunted Hat. 'The:;; 2 n Ir^h^ Squire of Squasb ' In the Wrong ciothes i ? Jacob Shlaff's Mistake q o Jiramie Jones. ? ? n John Smith ::;: | 2 99 Jumbo .lum —; J ^ ;J^ Kiss in the Dark « ^ 5S ^'".•^' .**»'' Patsy ; f 3 piS*" '**'*'*'* I-lttle Sur" Lij^i^TaDressl^keV^B 2 , Lodgings for Twi, ? n Love in all Corners; s ^ Landlord's RevengeV The '■ ^ n Matrimonial Bliss "• f ? MatcliforaMothei-in-Law ^ 2 j;;jfrB»''dersthanOne 4 I Mother's Fool. « , MyPre-iousBeisey J ] MyTnrnNext ! I 3(« iev iJaUer. 5k vs. Iget Br White; aniLraiiH' 106 288 328 1.39 2:^1 2:^5 «9 208 212 32 273 313 ;i56 a54 349 2&5 My Wife's Relation^: i J My Neighbor's Wife, ? $ Matchmaking Father | o M.V Mother-Jn-Law .? J Mashers Mashed, The ? o Nanka'e Leap Year Ven-- ^ ^ 259 Nobody.«Moker. ? I '^ Nip and Tuck....;.;;;;;;;;;;;;;-- 1 f rfi LIBRARY OF CONGRESS flH 016 102 623 2 _^ I — -^ - XI 1 ■^' *^^mes' Plays- Coiitiiiiaed. NO. M. F. NO. ^- ^j 340 Our Hotel ..5 3 253 Best Cure, The * a ^ owT'^ "••"•••■■•::::::::::: 3 2 325 coincidence........ » 400 57 217 165 286 195 392 412 276 180 171 267 315 416 68 295 309 138 115 55 327 232 241 270 365 Our Hotel 5 Olivet 3 Our Family Umbrella 4 Obstinate Family, The 3 a Paddy Miles' Boy 5 2 Patent Washing Machine.... 4 1 Persecuted Dutchman 6 3 Professional Gardener 4 2 Poor Pilicody 2 3 PatMcFree 7 3 Popping the Question 2 4 Printer and His Devils ,The 3 1 Quiet Family 4 4 RegularFix. 6 4 Ripples 2 Rough Diamond 6 3 Room 44 2 Rascal Pat. That 3 2 Ruben Rube. 2 1 Sham Professor, The 4 Spellin' Skev^rl, The. 7 6 Santa Claus' Daughter 5 7 Sewing Circle of Period 5 S. H. A. M. Pinafore 5 3 Somebody's Nobody... 3 2 ] Strictly Temperance 2 2 Staee Struck Yankee 4 2 Struck by Lightning 2 2 Slick and Skinner 5 Slasher and Crasher 5 2 Stupid Cupid 4 „_ Snow Ball 3 2 346 Signing an Actor 1 1 413 Switched Off 8 326 Too Many Cousins 3 3 339 Two Gentlemen In a Fix 2 137 Taking the Census 1 1 167 Turn Him Out 3 2 28 Thirty-three Next Birthday 4 2 292 Tim Flannvgan , 5 263 Tiials of a Country Editor. 6 2 166 Texan Mother-in-Law 4 2 281 Two Aunt Emilys. 8 367 «10,000 Wager 4 2 312 Uncle Ethan 4 3 269 Unjust Justice 6 2 213 Vermont Wool Dealer 6 2 7 Wonderful Telephone 3 1 332 Which Is Which? 3 3 151 Wanted a Husband 2 1 56 Wooing Under Difficulties. 4 3 70 Which will he Marry? 2 8 135 Widower's Trials 4 5 147 Waking Him Up 1 2 155 Why They Joined the Re- beccas 4 414 Who's Who? 3 2 403 Winning a Wife 2 1 111 Yankee Duelist 3 1 1.57 Yankee Peddler 7 3 377 Yacob's Hotel Experience. 3 ETHIOPIAN FARCES. 253 Best Cure, The 4 325 Coincidence. » " 222 Colored Senators a u 214 Chops I " 190 Crimps Trip .•.••••• ^ " 378 Gittin' 'Sperlence In a Doc- tor's Office * * 153 Haunted House * " 24 Handy Andy .^. ^ " 236 Hypochondriac The.. ^ ^ 282 Intelligence Office, The 6 o 319 In For It % \ 361 Jake and Snow * " 88 Mischievous Nigger 4 i 256 Midnight Colic ^ 1 128 Musical Darkey ^ " 61 Not as Deaf as He Seems... Z 353 Nobody's Son % " 244 Old Clothes % " 234 Old Dad's Cabin ^ ^ 246 Othello % " 2W Pomp Green's Snakes i u 134 Pomp's Pranks ^ o 258 Prof Bones' Latest Inven- tlon \ X Quarrelsome Servants 6 o School \ % Seeing Bostlng \ \ Sham Doctor % * Sports on a Lark i " Stage Struck Darkey 2 1 Strawberry Shortcake I Select School, The \ Those Awful Boys » JJ Ticket Taker & ^ 1 177 107 133 179 243 92 238 122 108 245 216 206 210 205 156 17 130. 215 250 360 382 204 172 at Academy of Stars 6 Black Shoemaker 4 2 Black Statue 4 2 The Little Gem Make-Up Box 376 371 184 Vice Versa * Vlllkens and Dinah 4 Virginia Mummy 6. 1 William Tell ...-• 4 Wig-Maker and His Ser- vants •* " GUIDE BOOKS» Hints on Elocution Hints to Amateurs BIISCELLANEOUS. On to Victory, Cantata. 25c. 5 5 Festival of Days Cousin John's Album, Pan- tomimes Happy Franks Songster. Ames' Select Recitations No. 1 y-;--Vr- Mother Earth and her Veg- atable Daughters. 16 Ames' Series of Medleys, Recitations and Tableaux Ames" Series of Medleys, Recitations and Panto- mimes No. 2 Joan of Arc Drill. ......... Victim of Woman's Rights. 1 Family Discipline 1 My Day and Now-a-Days Price 50 Cents. _r€