< <** > 2S^ km /VIST A Musical Neighborhood / (tys^ A Musical Neighborhood }i Duologue in One ScEp. By chas. f: pidgin 2»»FWM1 Copyright, 1885, by CHAS. F. PIDGIN. BOSTON, MASS. 1885. A MUSICAL NEIGHBORHOOD, Characters. Mr. Jacob Quietman, a very nervous fidgetty old fellow, Mi&s Katrina Noisy, his housekeeper. Scene. - A room in a large lodging house. Windows, R. and l>. in flat, and, if a box sei, R. and l. of stage. Table partially set for sup* per L. c. with a large chair besideit. A fairly well furnished room* (Enter Katrina R. 1. e. with plate of bread in one hand, and a coffee-pot in the other.) Katrina* v (Astonished.) Not here'r Vhy i thought I heard him come in. Yell de dings are all hot und I'm going to put dem on de table, und if dey gets cold it isn't my fault. (Puts things on table and turns to audience.) Kis name is Quietman, but he makes de most fuss of any man I ever worked for. He's de most nervous man I ever saw in all my lire. If he hears a bit of noise he goes al- most crazy. If I drops a pin on de noor, he says, Katrina who's, dot pounding? If a dog barks, he says, dot's an earthquake; Katrina you'd better take de furniture oud mit de sdreet vhere it von't get smashed. How I did laugh last night.(JLau(/fts.)Der'& some man up stairs dot's got a big fiddle, und de vay he did shust scrape it, you vould hafe thought he vas skinning cats alive. Poor Mr. Quietman, he vas so oxcited, he got up on de ta- ble und danced, und broke de blatter, und knocked de butter on de floor — but he didn't break it — it vas too strong. He says if dot man blays dot bull-fiddle to-night he vill suicide him or murder himself. I hope he von't murder himself (goes to table) until I gets my last veek's vages. (Enter c. Mr. Quietman with bundles in his arms.) Mr. Quietman. Ach. Katrina, I vas late tAvo times. Kat. Ja! (Aside.) Two times dis veek. Dis is Chuesday Mr. Q. Dot supper ready? Kat. f i! (Aside.) It's got tired vaiting. Mr, Q. rot some bread? Kat. Ja! (Aside.) Sauerkraut und Limburger too. Mr.Q. (Passing bundles.) Dere is some of dot machine made hash. Fry it mit an onion. Kat. Ja! Ja! (Going R.) Onions is go >t. (Exit Katrina r. 1. e.) Mr. Q. Vat a noise dot girl makes ven she valkes. I might as veil live in a saw-mill. I dink I vill buy a trip-hammer und keep it go- ing in my room, — den I von't haar de noise my neighbors make. (Enter Katrina, B. 1. E.^with hash in plate.) Kat. It vas so fat it cooked awful quick, Ohf how it sputtered! (A chord on the violin is heard offstage.) Mr. Q. (Astonished.) Did dot hash do dot? Kat. Oh, my! (Drops plate.) Mr. Q. Dunder und Blitzen! Yat are you doing? (Party off stage plays a hideous violin solo, during which Mr, Q. dances up and down with rage. Katrina puts hands to ears and runs off stage yelling. Mr. Q. opens window and screams.) If you don't stop dot noise T throw myself ond mit de vindow und break you all to pieces. Foice (offstage). Shut up! Mr. Q. Shut up? You do it und I vill. I can do more of it dan you. can. I get even mit you. I'll buy a hand-organ, und a steam-engine und make my own music. I'll make you tired, see if I don't. (At this point an elocutionist is heard reciting the " Curse Scene" from "Richelieu.") Yoice(off stage). "Marie, where she stands — around her form I draw the awful circle of our solemn church! Set but afoot within that holy ground and on thy head — yea though it loore a crown — I launch the curse of Borne /" Mr. Q. imitates the speaker in dumb show, opening and shutting his mouth as though speahing, and, gesticulating wildly with his arms. Mr. Q. falls in a heap at end of scene. Enter Ko.trina. R. 1. E.) Kat. Did you fall oud nut yourself? Mr. Q. ' Fve done it! KAT. Vat, murdered yourself ? (Mr. Q. goes through part of "Gurse Scene" again.) Oh! my! He's mad, he's mad, he's mad! (Exit Katrina screaming, r. 1. E.) Mr. Q. (Rising.) Yes, I am mad! De next man vot speaks dies mit his own tongue. (A soprano voice is heard singing off stage.) Lucky for her she ? s a vomaxu (Daring song, Mr. Q. mimics her with his mouth, finally joining in vocally; as she reaches the high note he rushes and opens a wih- dow.) Go to Europe mit yourself und finish your education. Stay avay ten years. Den you'll know too much to practise any more und nobody vill hire you to sing. (Crash heard. Mr. Q. rushes c. with hands clasped on.top of head.) Oh! my head, my head! She dropped a flower pot on.it. (Bubs head and holes at hand.) I guess dose must have been "Sweet Violets." (Piano is played off stage vigorously.) I vish dot girl vas in Sharmany. Dere dey fines demj for de first offence, locks dem up for de second, und den if dey don't stop dey fills de piano full of soft soap. Katrina! Katrina! Vare is clot girl? (screams again.) Kat- rina! Katrina! (Enter Katrina, hurriedly R. 1. E.) Kat. Vat is it? Hafe you murd&*ed yourself again? Mr. Q. 13 id you hear clot noise? Kat. Vat von mean, der music? Mr. Q. You call dot music? Bat would drive a man oud of der house. Kat. Dot is der widow Hoopenkoffer. She is going to be married again next veek. Mr. Q. Poor fellow ! He vill die mit a lunatic oemetary sooner dan a fortnight Katrina bring me a glass of beer. Kat. Ja. mine Herr. (Buslies out r. 1. f..) Mr. Q. Perhaps if I drinks some beer, In keep alive a little bit longer, und be fat ven I dies. (Enter Katrina k. 1. E. with leer, which she (lives to Mr. Q. o;ad which he drinks quickly. While drinking, a duet for Iwrns is heard outside.) Dot vas a horn too much. (He rushes to window and screams.) Let up on dot. (He draws in his head suddenly.) Oh! Katrina dey hafe dropped de vater pail. (The horns keep on playing. A cornet joins in the din. Mr. Q. rushes to another window and screams.) Dr} r oud mit dot. (KaPrina laughs heartily. Mr. Q. goes raving around the stage. A. boss viol, skip drum, and ' cello join m the uproar, while several parties also begin singing.j Mr. Q. Katrina, I goes mad if dey don't stop dot Wagner music. G6 bring me dot tin box behind der stove. Kat. Vat is dot? [Mr. Q. It vos dynamite. I drop dot box down mit der garden, Xmd blow dis house und all its beoples sky high. Kat. But I don't vant to be killed. Vhy can't ve make a noise, und drive dem crazy? My beau, Hans Vanderhoof , blays mit der band, und he left his triangle und bass drum here until he goes oud mit der torchlights to-night. Mr. Q. Dot vas a goot idea. You try der drum, I'll triangle. (Katrina runs out R. 1. e.) Ye'll catch dem. Perhaps dot widow vill come down to see how to do a goot job of pounding mit der drum stick. (All the instruments and voices join in a terrible din off stage. Enter Katrina with triangle andtdrum stick in hand, and pulling bass drum after her. Mr. Q. grabs triangle and begins striking it while Katrina pounds the bass drum. The uproar is hept up for a short time when suddenly the other lodgers enter with musical instruments in their hands and, look at Katrina and Mr. Q. who keeps on pounding vigorously. Katrina and Mr. Q. look up suddenly and see the intruders. Katrina drops drum stick and Mr. Q. the triangle.) I thought dot vould bring dem Katrina. Other Parties (in unison). What do you mean by making such a confounded noise? Mr. Q. (Astonished) Me make a noise? Dot vas cheek. One of the Party, (Pointing to bass drum.) That's not cheek, that's a bass drum, and it makes more noise than all the folks in the house. Mr. Q. I vas glad of dot. I vas afraid you couldn't hear it. Others (in unison). We heard it. J We couldn't hear anything else. *t*Mr. Q. Dot vas de reason ve kept it up, because I didn't vant to hear you. You stop your noise, I'll stop mine. - Others. But we must practice; Mr. Q. So must ve/ One of the Party, . A drum is not a parlor instrument. Mr. Q. I don't live in der parlor. Others. Well this noise must stop. What are you going to do about it? Mr. Q. I tole you vot ve had better do about it. Ve vill form a *A Lodg- ing House Mutual Improvement Musical Society" and blay de same piece at de same time. Yat do you dink of dot idea? Others (in unison). That is a good idea. Mr. Q. I am a Quietman* tind I vill lead der orchestra. My house- keeper, Katrina Noisy 5 vill blay der bass drum* und der triangle, und you vill all blay your respective insdruments. Vas you all agreed? Others (in unison, with hud voices), "WVare, we are! Finale. (Brass Band.) CURT AIK. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS it it | ' I j I I | ill I 1 > I I 016 165 558 2 i LIBRARY OF 016 165 558 2 Hollinger Corp. P H 8.5 'iBiiil 016 165 558 2 Hollinger Corp. pH 8.5