Always order * ' DEW1TT>S " Actingr Plays. PRICK 15 CENTS. ^M^^^ ^," ['^iM§ DE WITT'S ACTIK^G PLAYS. '^) PR 5452 .S3 C5 Copy 1 (IVviiiitoei- 336.) A CLOUD IN THE HONEYMOON, A Comic Sketch, IN ONE ACT. TOGETHER WITH A Description of the Costumes — Cast of tlie Clianicters — Eiitnmces and Exits — Relative Positions of tlie Performers on tlie Stas Black-Ey'd William, sketch, 2 scenes 4 1 Black Forrest (The), Ethiopian farce, 1 act 2 Black Magician (De), Ethiopian com- icality 4 Black Statue (The). Negro farce 4 Blinks and Jinks, Ethiopian sketch. 3 Boboliuo, the Black Bandit, Ethio- pian musical farce, 1 act 2 Body Snatchers (The), Negro sketch, 2 scenes 3 Bogus Indian, sketch, 4 scenes 5 Bogus Talking Machine (The), farce, 1 scene 4 Bruised and Cure.l, .sketch, 1 scene. 2 Charge of the Hash Brigade, comic Irish musical sketch 2 Christmas Eve iu the South, Ethio- pian farce, 1 act 6 Coal Heaver's Revenge,Negro sketch, 1 scene 6 Coming Man (The), Ethiopian sketch. 2 scenes , 3 Cremation, sketch, 2 scenes 8 Crowded Hotel (The), sketch, 1 sc. 4 Cupid's Frolics, sketch, 1 scene .5 Daguerreotypes, sketch, 1 scene .... 3 Damon and Pythias, burlesque, 2 sc. 5 Darkey's Stratagem, sketcli, 1 scene 3 Darkey Sleep Walker (The), Ethio- pian sketch, 1 scene 3 51 1 152 2 106 0| 1 83 77 1 n 1 58 2 31 20 82 130. 86. 70. 2 61. 142. 23. 1 118. 1 1 3. 1 48. 68. 1 150. 1 71 123 1 Deaf as a Post, Ethiopian sketch 2 Deeds of Darkness, Ethiopian e:t- travaganza, 1 act 6 1 Desperate Situation (A), farce, 1 sc. 5 2 Draft (The), sketch, 2 scenes 6 Dutchman's Ghost, 1 scene 4 1 Dutch Justice, laughable sketch, 1 scene H Editor's Troubles, farce, 1 scene.. . 6 Eh ? What is it ? sketch 4 1 Election Day, Ethiopian farce, 2 so. 6 1 Elopement (The), farce. 2 scenes. . . 4 1 Excise Trials, sketch, 1 scene 10 1 Fellow that Looks like Me, inter- lude, 1 scene 2 1 First Night (L'lie i, Dutch farce, 1 act 4 2 Fisherman's Luck, sketch, 1 scene. 2 Fun in a Cooper's Shop, Ethiopian sketch 6 Gambrinus, King of Lager Beer, Ethiopian burlesque, 2 scenes. .. . 8 1 German Emigrant (The), sketch, Isc. 2 2 Getting Square on the Call Boy, sketch, 1 scene 3 Ghost (The). Sketch, 1 act 2 Ghost iu a Pawn Shop, sketch. 1 sc. 4 Glycerine Oil, sketch, 2 scenes 3 Going for the Cup. interlude 4 Good Night's Best, sketch, 1 scene. 3 Go and get Tight, Ethiopian sketch, 1 scene 6 Gripsack, sketch, 1 scene 3 Guide to the Stage, sketch 3 Happy Couple. 1 scene 2 1 Happy Uncle Bufus, Ethiopian mu- sical sketch, 1 scene 1 1 Hard Times, extravaganza. 1 scene. 5 1 Helen's Funny Babies, burlesque. 1 act 6 Hemmed In. sketch 3 1 High Jack, the Heeler, sketch, 1 so. 6 Hippotheatron, sketch 9 How to Pay tlie Rent, fiircp, 1 scene 6 In and Out, sketch. 1 sceiip 2 Intelligence Office (The), Ethiopian sketch, 1 scene 2 1 A CLOUD IN THE HONEYMOON. A COMIC SKETCH, IN ONE ACT. BY J. PALGRAVE SIMPSON. TOGKTHER WITH A. DESCKIPTION OF THE COSTUMES— CAST OF THE CHABACTERS— ENTBANCES AND EXITS BELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PEEFOBMEBS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. JAN 22 tens^ '' NEW YOEK: DE WITT, PUBLISHER, No. 33 Rose Street. Copyright, 1884, by A. T. B. Db Witt. A CLOUD IN THE HONEYMOON. CAST OF CHARACTERS. jp ^-/y^ Si Me. Twiddle, a school teacher. O I ^ Mks. Susanna Twiddle, his wife. ^ O ^ TIME OF PLAYING— THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES. SCENERY. SCENE— A simply furnished room. Door, R. Screen, L., supposed to hide a Door.— A Window, in flat, c. ; a small Round Table, with Candlestick, &c. R. C; Chairs, &c. COSTUMES. Mr. Fwiddle—Ne&t, dark, suit. Mrs. Susanna Twiddle — A fashionable ulster, a tasty hat, with handsome pink feather ; particularly liaudsome gloves, hosiery and boots. PROPERTIES. "^ Gentleman's Umbrella and Hat, Candlestick, with Candle to light, Matches, and Cigars, tor Mrs. Susanna Twiddle. STAGE DIRECTIONS. in. means Eight of Stage, facing the Audience ; L. Left ; C. Centre ; R. C. Right 01 Ci'iitve; L. C. Left of Centre D. F. Door in the Flat, or Scene running aci-oss the I'lick of the Stage; C. D. F. Centre Door in the Flat; R. D. F. Right Door in the Flat: L. C. F. Left Door in the Flat: R. D. Right Door; L. D. Left Door ; 1 E. First Entrance : 2 E. Second Entrance ; U. E. Upper Entrance ; 1, 2 or 3 G. First, Second or Third Groove. p. R. C. C. L. C. L. l^^The reader is supposed to be upon the stage facing the audience. A CLOUD IN THE HONEYMOON. SCENE — A simply furnished Room. Door, R. Screen, h., supposed to hide a Door. A Window, in flat, c. A small lionnd Tabic, with Candlestick, ete.,B. c; Chairs, etc. Enter Twiddle, r., with an umbrella under his arm. Twiddle. Nonsense, Twiddle! you are a fool, sir! Think the mat- ter over deliberately and maturely, Twiddle, as becomes a man and a teacher. It is scarcely a month since you married a charming lit- tle woman, who has lived in the genteelest society, and travelled abroad with very distinguished people, as companion. At half-past seven this morning you leave her in the arms of Morpheus^ — greatly envying that rascal Morpheus — awd go to knock Latin into the little boys' heads, by the application of a cane in a situation precisely the reverse. You return a little earlier than usual to breakfast — that same application having been uncommonly expeditiously applied ; and as you approach your house you .see, or you fancy you see, a hat with pink feather, and an ulster, and a smart figure, which your arm has encircled in moments of honeymoon affection, and a foot and an- kle, which has caused you many a sigh when you were a bachelor, all tripping along the street quietly, stealthily, close to the wall, as if afraid of observation, A queer feeling — a sort of no-how-ish-ness — runs all up and down your back ; you turn and follow. The afore- said feather, ulster, figure, and foot and ankle disappear round the comer; you mizzle round the same : and the vision is gone I But was it a vision? Were your senses deluded, Twiddle? Or was it in truth the partner of your bosom, who should be at home making vour toast. Twiddle? That's what you ask yourself. Fie! Twiddle,' fie! for shame, sir. Are there not other pink feathers in the world and other ulsters, and other smart figures and other feet and ankles which cause you to sigh ? No! I don't mean that ! but are you not a consummate fool, sir, to suppose tliat the aforesaid partner of your bosom could be running out at early hours of the morning in a secret and clandestine manner when the aforesaid partner of your bosom is certainly employed in making toast for your breakfast there ? {Opens door, B.) No ; she isn't. Then, she assuredly is in the arms of Mor- 4 A CLOUD IN THE HONETMOON. pheus, or doing up her back hair in the bedroom. (Peeps iehind screen.) No; she isn't. Then, without the shadow of a doubt, she is in the house somewhere. Remember, Twiddle, remember, that being naturally of a jealous temperament, you swore, when you married, upon the still smouldering ashes of your bachelorship to abjure that failing, and to have implicit trust and confidence in the partner of your bosom, even should your own eyes — Enter Mks. Twiddle, hastily, k. d., dressed precisely as described by Twiddle. Mrs. T. Home again ! Twid. {Turning.) Eh? Mrs. T. {Seeing him). Ah ! Twid. Oh! you have been out, it seema. Mrs. T. Of course, since ycu see I have come in. Twid. The very same pink feather, the very same ulster, the very same foot and ankle. Mrs. T. What's that you say ? Twid. Just look the other way, my love. Mrs. T. {Going up to take off her ulster.) What do you meant Twid. And the very same et cetera. Mrs. T. Are you long home from the School ? Twid. Just this moment returned ? {Sitting down, aside.) The no- how-ishnesa is running all up and down my back again. Mrs. T. {Occupied at hack.j Your breakfast shall be ready directly, ducky. Twid. {Preoccupied.) The same pink feather, and the same et cetera. Mrs. T. I've got some watercresses for you ; I know you like a little green — Twid. {Starting from his reverie.) Who's a little green ? What's a little green ? Mrs. T. {Laughing.) Why! what are you dreaming about ? Twid. {Rising.) Nothing — a mere colorless nothing (osirfe.) What the deuce does she mean by a little green ? ( Taking her hand solemn- ly, with the rhythm of the well-known song,) "O, Susanna." {Changing tone.) I'm not in the slighest degree curious; but I should like to know what you went out this morning for, when baker, grocer, and milkman bring all the necessaries of life to the door. Mrs. T. Oh, there are a thousand and one things a young house- keeper is forced to buy herself. Twid. Now, as I said before, I am not curious ; but I should like to know the one of the one thousand and one you have been buying this morning. Mrs. T. Oil ! I just went out for some needles I want to use. Twid. Which way? • Mrs. T. {Laughing.) The usual one, by putting the thread at one end and sewing with the other. Twid. Which way did you go ? Mrs. T. (Oh, I — {icitli more constrained laughing). Why, one would , think you were examining your boys. Twid. The fact is I thought I saw your pink feather, et cetera, going— A CLOUD IN THE HONEYMOON. 5 Mrs. T. Where? {aside.) Can he suspect ? TwiD. Down the next street. Mrs. T. That's the way to my fancy store. TwiD. Which, if I remember, lies in the opposite direction. Mrs. T. Oh! One takes the longest way sometimes, for a little air. TwiD. {Aside.) A little air! that's an empty reason. t^Aloud.) Show me your needles, my love. Mrs. T. {Embarrassed.) My needles! Oh! I couldn't exactly get my number. TwiD. You wanted a great quantity, then ? Mrs. T. I mean my size. TwiD. {Solemitli/.) -'O Susanna!" {She looks at Mm, he is embar- rassed and couqlis.) Hem! Hem! Mrs. T. Well ? TwiD. {Quickly changing his tone.) I don't like your going out in that way, ma'am. Mrs. T. What do you mean? Twin. {Embarrassed.) In fact — in short; I don't think it at all proper that a charming young female, with such a foot and ankle, and such an — et cetera, should be in the street alone. Mrs. T. Now be reasonable, Themistocles. You know that we are forced to be economical. We can't afford to keep a servant. You are obliged to be out almost all day. TwiD. Alas! as Virgil says, you remind me of my misfortune. Mrs. T. Then we must conform ourselves, like a good little new- married couple, to our limited means. I am sure I try to be as eco- nomical as I can ; and you know how I complain of your extravagan- ces for me, all because you love me so well. You are always want- ing to get something for your dear little Susanna, you naughty man; and yet you deprive yourself of all your bachelor iuxuries. TwiD. Because I think it just, Mrs. T. ; and I only wish I had had any little faulty excesses, in which bachelor gents are wont to in- dulge, in order that I might have laid the sacrifice of them at your pretty feet — to say nothing of the ankles. But I had none : I was never given to the indulgence of sherry cobblers, nor of gin slings, nor of tobaccos. I never touched a cigar in my life, knd if there's anj'thing I hate, it's a cigar. Oh ! pah ! a cigar : I execrate a cigar. The very thought of a cigar gives me a no-how-ish-ness. Mrs. T. {Caressingly patting his cheeks.) Well, then, my Themis- tocles shall have his other little indulgences ; a sweetbread for din- ner sometimes, with crumbs, eh ? and the family circle at the thea- tre ; a good cry at a domestic drama, now and then, hey ? {As if talking to a child) : There's a goody, goody, goody. TwiD. {Completeh/ mollified, aside.) Now, I can't stand the "Goody, goody, goody." Twiddle, I repeat it, you were a consummate fool to to have had the slightest suspicion. Mrs. T. ( JFho has gone up to set out a table.) And it shall have its breakfast directly, if it's a good boy ; and I'll get its toast ready, nicely browned, as it likes it, and a good cup of tea ; and I'll be its only servant to wait on it. There ! ■fwiD, {Enchanted.) And I'll pay the wages. There! {Kisses her.) Mrs. Naughty, naughty, be quiet! TwiD. {Still holding her, aside.) I renew my conviction that Twid- dle was a fool. b A CLOUD IN THE HONEYMOON. Mrs. T. (Aside.) Thank goodness, he suspects nothing. TwiD. That's what I call nice. Mrs. T. To be so happy together. TwiD. All alone. Mrs. T. Without any one to watch and spy. TwiD. {Letting her go icith sudden sus])icion again.) Hey! What did you say ? Mrs. T. Without any one to prevent our being as gay as crickets. Twid. {Approuchi)ig again.) Oh! Mrs. T. And having a little private polka or schottische to amuse ourselves sometimes. Twid. {Encircling her waist again.) Yes. Getting up a little do- mestic Casino of our own; for I have never indulged in any other, Mrs. T. Mrs. T. {Humming a polka or schottische.) Yes; so, la, la, la! Twid. {Humming and dancing.) La, la, la. Mrs. T. (/;rt«ciH(7.) That's it. La, la, la! Twid. {Dancing.) La, la, la! Mrs. T. {As before.) Oh, Themistocles, I wish — La, la, la! Twid. {As before.) What, my dear? La, la, la! Mrs. T. You had some little fault— la, la, la! Twid. A fault, why ? La, la, la ! Mrs. T. Because— La, la, la! Twid. Because f La, la, la! Mrs. T. I'll tell you another time. {Stopping out of hreath.) Only, I can't stir another step. I'm choking. {Falls back in his arms.) Twid. Hand round the refreshments. {Kisses her.) Mrs. T. {Springing up.) We can manage to keep ourselves happy you see. Twid. Oh, yes. Mrs. T. In mutual affection. Twid. And mutual confidence. {Looking sharply at her.) Never having any secrets one from the other, hey? Never! Mrs. T. {Turning the conversation.) Hush! I think the kettle's boiling over. Twid. I'll go and put on my dressing gown to be all comforta- ble. Mrs. T. Do, deary. Twid. Adoo, ducky. Exit Twid., e., behind screen, taking hat and umbrella with him. Mrs, T. (Going h., stops.) No secrets one from the other ! Poor dear hnbby, if he knew that I kept a secret from him — an awful se- cret! To tliink now that he might have followed me — seen me go into — oh, the very thought gives me the shivers all over. To say the truth, a secret passion is a frightful thing, when, do what j'ou will, you can't root it out. Ah ! men are happy creatures ; they can do what they like ; but they never allow us poor women, any little amusements. Oh, if Themistocles knew that, when he is absent all day, I had a faithful friend to brighten my dull hours of solitude, wouldn't he be in a boiling rage? (Listening.) Now, though, it is the kettle. (liuns hastihj into door, e.) At tJie moinent she goes out Twid. rushes in, l., pale and in a state of great agitation. A CLOUD IN THE HONEYMOON. 7 TwiD. {Sniffing.) There's no doubt! it's smoke! tobacco smoke! fvigiitful tobacco smoke! A mau has been here! a wretched male being has been blowing a cloud in our nuptial apartment. Horror! a cloud — and in our honeymoon too — a cloud of tobacco smoke. Pah! I'm half-choked with rage, and t'other thing. A man, a smoker! who can he be ? Ah! I recollect. I've several times seen a big- whiskered and frightfully moustached individual prowling about the house, al- ways smoking a cigar — and a big one too — Oh ! wasn't it a big ono ? Horror! And when I looked at him, so, {Puts on a comical air of in- dignation,) he laughed in my face ; he positively laughed in my face — I ask any unprejudiced person if there is anything to laugh at in my face — and walked off, the sneak. It must have been tliis wretch- ed being with the whiskers and the very big cigar. He's always about here, near the house. O, Susanna! to think that you — with your sweet caressing voice, and your "goody, goody, goody," could be so deceitful, receive a mau in secret, with a very big cigar, who turns our nuptial apartment into a filthy pothouse. Pah ! Oli Susanna : could I have thought it of you? {Almost crying,) you, who call me duck^' and you fancied I could see nothing; but ycu forgot that I could smell. Yes, unhappy woman, if Twiddle has no eyes, he's got a rose, and a good one, too. If I catch him — him and his big cigar — I'll give it to him. So, and so, and so ! {As he speaks Twid. kicks chairs and table, and upst'o all the furniture. Enter Mrs. T., with breakfast on tray. Mrs. T. Good gracious ! What are you up to ? Twid. Mrs. T. {PicJcs up the chairs, cfc, ashamed.) Mrs. T. If that's the way you help me in my domestic arrange- ments Twid. There seem to be some domestic arrangements in which you consider my help unnecessary, Mrs. T. Mrs. T. Why, bless us, what ails the man ? {She is arranging the breakfast at the table.) Twid. {Aside.) Command yourself, Twiddle! The hour of ven- geance is not j'et come! {Aloud !) What ails me? Hunger ails me — thirsts ails me — everything ails me. (Aside.) My calm is wonder- ful. Mrs. T. {at table.) I never knew you so impatient before. One would think you were in a hurry to go. Now, come ! breakfast is ready. Twid. {Sulkily.) Thank ye; don't want any ; aint hungry. Mrs. T. {Cajoling.) What! is it out of temper now, because it has been waiting ? Come! {Looking at him.) Good gracious ! What's the matter with you ? You are all yellow and green. Twid. Shouldn't wonder — green in the eye. Mu.s. T. What is it, tell me, Themistocles ? Misty, Misty! Twid. Yes, Madam, it is misty, confoundedly misty, and cloudy too. Mrs. T. It's very often so, hereabouts. Twid. It is, is it? (Ferociously.) Oh Susanna! Mrs. T. You alarm me ; I don't understand. Twid. (As hrforc.) You don't understand? (Changing tone and manner.) Pour me out my tea. Mrs. T. (Bursting out laughing.) Ha! ha! ha! how droll you are. 8 A CLOUD IN THE HONEYMOON. TwiD. {Laughing also, fiendishly.) Ha! ha! ha! So, I'm droll. You think so ? (Sits at table.) Mrs. T. Come, eat your breakfast. TwiD. (Aside.) I will; I'll dissemble ; I'll eat like an ogre. Mrs. T. {Pouring out tea.) You like it strong? TwiD. {Aside.) You seem to draw it pretty strong, Mrs. T., certainly. {Smelling.) I can smell the monster's odor here. Mrs. T. Well ? TwiD. {Still aside. ) Yes ; that's it. Fee-f o-f um. I smell — Mrs. T. {Louder icaiting.) Well? TwiD. {Starting and shouting.) What? Mrs. T. Louder.) I asked whether you liked it strong? TwiD. {As before.) Well, and I answered, you seem to draw it — No, not that, {She stops.) Strong; yes. {She pours out.) No, no! Mrs. T. You should make up your mind. There it is now. ( Gives cup.) And I hope it will make you a little more loveable. TwiD. Oh Susanna ! Then, you don't think me loveable ? (Almost crying.) Perhaps you have seen some one (aside) with moustaches (aloud) somewhere in the world (aside) just before the door (aloud) more to your mind than me (aside) with a very big cigar. Mrs. T. What folly ! TwiD. (Getting patltetic.) Tell me, then, oh tell me, that you love no one — no one at all, in the least, but your own Themistocles, your Misty, jouY ducky, your "goody, goody, goody." You don't, do you? (Tales hold of her hand pulling her slightly towards him.) Mrs. T. There's an idea to get into your head, Themistocles! I hope 3'ou are not jealous. TwiD. Jealous ! I. Oh, no, no, no, never. You know that is a de- fect I don't possess. Mrs. T. No nor any other. (Aside). I wish you did. TwiD. Oh Susanna. (He has heen holding and fondling her hand, goes to kiss it, and starts back icith a loud cry). Ha ! Mrs. T. (Starting). What's the matter again, now ? TwiD. (Aside, jumping up). Her very dress smells of the horrid tobacco smoke. (Aloud). Mrs. T. : There are in tlie world creatures — monsters of iniquity — degraded beings, who commit excesses, criminal excesses, and smoke cigars, Mrs. T. (Aside.) She's con- fused. (JZoJici.) I speak of smoking, as I should speak of anything else, Mrs. T., because I hate it, and because I have sworn lips sul- lied by Cheroots or Cubas should never approach yours, Mrs. T. (Aside.) She starts ! She colors. Twiddle, you're a lost man! Lips sullied by Cheroots and Cubas have — [staggers back.) Oh ! Mrs. T. (Confused). Now, Themistocles, you know I love you dearly, but if I had a partiality for — I say, if J had. TwiD. If ! madam ? My convictions go beyond those two very un- comfortable letters of the alphabet. Mrs. T. Well, then— TwiD. (Aside, overwhelmed.) Now it's coming. Twiddle, be firm ! Mrs. T. ( With hesitation.) I have ! "Eww. (Starting back.) Oh! Mrs. T. But, I can't help it ; indeed, I can't ; it's too strong for me to resist. TwiD. Wretched woman ! Mrs, T. But, you'll pardon me : I'm sure you will. A CLOUD IN Tlli; HONT.VMOON*. 9 TwiD. I ! pardon jou ! {Laughing icihllii.) Ha! ha! ha! {Changing tone.) Never! Mrs. T. After all ifs only a fancy. TwiD. Oil, you call it a fancy, do yon? Oh, sophistry of women! Mus. T. And you are all the day at the school; and when I'm all alone I want some object to console me ; and then I dream 'tis you are by my side. TwiD. 'Well ! that I admit is a fancy! Horrible idea! MuR.'T. There! don't put yourst-lf in a passion. TwiD. I'll trample tlie object to dust beneath my indignant feet. Mils. T. A!i! \mi I'll hide tlie objec^t out of si.Lcht. Twiu. But njy outraged feelings will discover the object, and fling the object out of the window. {Seizing her unit.) And you too, Mndam, and you, too. Mrs. T. Gracious ! you hurt me. TwiD. Am] rU send for your motlier, your poor old virtuous moth- er; and I'll say to her with dignity : '"Take back your daughter, I'll have nothing more to say to her." There! {Strikes an attitude.) Mrs. T. 'Tis abominable! You men think you are to have all the little pleasiires of life to yourselves, i\.m\ never permit poor women the IcMst comfort and consolation in your absence. But 'tis enough to make a revolution. You are nothing but tyrants, and we'll emanci- pate ourselves in spite of you. That we will ! {Exit L. ) Twit). She'll emancipate herself ! Mysterious and awful word! She'll — Oil! 'tis enough to drive one mad ! And slie puts on an air of inno- cent simplicity, and avows her pnrtiaiity, as if there was no harm in it, and calls me a tyrant, wiien I'm choking witli jealousy and rage; and she swears she'll — Oh! but I'll discover iier wretched accomplice. I'll watch him — his big cigar and all — and then I'll surprise him — his big cigar and all — and he shall find I've smoked liim — his big cigar and all. But how — when — what — where ? {Looks around as if for the means of conceidment.) Enter Mrs. T., l., with TwiD.'s hat and umbrella. Mrs. T. Come, if you are very good, I'll forgive and forget. _TwiD. She says she'll — she! she! Mrs. T. Come, here's your hat and your umbrella. TwiD. ( Witli a sombre nian)ier.) Wliat for ? Mrs. T. What do you mean, what for? Isn't it time for you to go back to the school 1 You know you must be punctual. TwiD. Yes, yes. {Aside.) She's regularly turning me out of the house. Mrs. T. And you might lose your place. Think! the only means we have to depend upon. {Cajoling him.) Come, come! it musn't look so cross at its Susanna. TwiD. {Aside.) She's trying on the goodies again. Cockatrice ! Mrs. T. Come, kiss and make up. What! is it sulky? Come, that's a defect at last, and I am glad to find that you have one too. Now, come ! be a goody, goody, goody. {Kisses him.) Twid. {Jside.) 'There, I said so ! serpent ! Mus. T. But now you must be off as quickly as you can. Twid. {Aside.) "Tis clear, she wants to get rid of me. Mrs. T. What do you say ? Twid. I say, I say that — that I'm going — it is the hour. {Aside.) 10 A CLOUD IN THE HON'EYMOOX. Yes, evidently the hour she expects the horrid fellow with his mous- taches, and, all the rest. But, I wont go t'ai- — Mus. T. {Offering liiti hat, tcliidi .sJie has been brushing after putting the umbrella bi/ the icuidow.) Now, go. Here are your gloves, too. (Gives them.) Don't be too late for dinner. And mind, when you come back, knock hard, for I may be occupied. TwiD. Ah, you wish to be aware that I — Mrs. T. Of course. What does the man mean ? TwiD. {Solemnli/.) Oh Susanna. (Takes Jicr hand, then changing his mind, flings it from him.) Good bye. (Exit rapidly, k. d.) Mrs. T. It is very evident he has some notion of the truth. I was so confused I scarcely dared look him in the face. What with his fancies and suspicious, and questionings and delays, I thought he'd never go ; aud I never longed more to be alone and indulge in my little weakness. But now I'm free ! I'll take care not to be caught in the act though. (She locks the door R. ) Come forth little companion of my solitude. (Looks around her.) Come, my friend, and solace my lonely hours. Come, fellow-accomplice, come! (She j^uts her hand in her p>ocket and pulls out a cigar, which she holds up in triunqjh.) Ah! there you are, my treasure, my beauty! How can anybody call my little darling nasty? Now to profit by my solitude to enjoy it. (Looking round for a match.) Where are the matches ? (flnds them.) Ah! I tremble still, for when I think that my husband has sworn to throw us both out of the window. Ah, ball! I'll risk it. Lights a candle and then the cigar.) That's it; it's alight: how nice! (Vuffs. A knocking at the door.) Oh! what's that? Somebody knocks. (Knocking again.) Wlio's there ? (She trembles with agitation.) TwiD. (JJithout.) 'Tis I. Mrs. T. Ah, my husband! ( Puts atvay the candle without extinguish- ing it.) TwiD. (Knocking.) Open the door! open the door! Mrs. T. (Tri/ing to extinguish the cigar.) I'm coming, I'm coming. ( A side. ) Oh ! where shall "l hide it ? what shall I do ? TwiD. Why don't you open the door, Mrs.T. ? Mrs. T. Coming. (Putting her eigar in her 2^(^ck(!t.) 'Tis still alight ; I shall certainly blow myself up. Well, that's better than being blown up by him. TwiD. (Knocking fonder.) WhatJthe devil are you up to, Mrs. T. ? Mrs. T. (Going up to open the door.) Well! well! don't be so im- patient. TwiD. (Rushing in with disturbed mien.) You've been a deuced long time with your "coming," Mrs. T. You don't seem to know exactly the meaning of the word, Mrs. T. (Looking around him icitli sus2>icion.) Mrs. T. What, what are you looking for ? TwiD. ( With an expression of rage!) Looking for ! She asks me vrhat I am looking for. ( With a change of tone ironically.) My um- brella, deary, which I left behind. ( With a sudden cxchnnation.) Ah, in tluit room, tJiat room! (Crosses and enters precipitateUj the room be- hind the screen.) Mrs.T. (Laughing.) Oh, only his umbrella ! TwTD. (lie-entering, aside.) Not there! Yet I saw the fellow go round the comer, big cigar and all. He can only have come in here, big cigar and all (smelling ;) and, as I said before, it is a decided case of Fee — fo — f um. A CLOUD IN THE HONEYMOON. 11 Mrs. T. (Laughhirf.) Now, if you would trouble yourself to look Touiid, you might find — TwiD. Find ! where ? Miis. T. There ! TwiD. {Tivisting round.) Where, there? Mrs. T. By the window. TwiD. {Turning siiddcnhj.) By the window! ah, yes, my umbrella. Mrs. T. Didn't you say. your umbrella? TwiD. Yes, to be sure ; I want it when clouds are coming up in tbis way. (Snuffing.) There's sure to be a storm. (Turns and sees Mrs. T. occupied inputting to rights, and quickly undoes the hasp of the win- dow.) Mrs. T. That's why you are so nervous and agitated, I suppose. TwiD. Nervous ; yes, my nerves are all of a quiver. They can't abide clouds, Mrs. l". (Aside, brandishing his umbrella.) And' won't there be a storm. Mrs. T. (Occupied, without looking at him.) You'll be too late for the school liojir. Twid. We n I'm going; I'm going; you see I'm going. (Does not stir but still continues looking around under table and chairs, ^-c.) Mrs. T. Y''ou call that going, do you? Twid. (Ashamed to be caught brandishing his umbrelln, with dignity.) Mrs. T. : I know how to decline the vei'b "go" without your teaching ; and I decline also any interfei'ence in mj' grammatical functions. (Going, aside.) Oh, won't there be a storm! (Brandishes umbrella, then turns, regards Mrs. T. with severe dignity, and exit, c.) Mrs. T. (Watches him out, locks the door c. again, and then proceeds to re-light her cigar, talking and singing all the while.) Ah! how he frightened me witli liis umbrella. What did he want to come and disturb me at the critical moment for ? (Smoking.) Oh ! how good it is! That is true enjoyment! (Throws herself into an arm-chair.) How the smoke mounts, mounts in the air in pretty little spirals. (Smelling.) It's a regular nosegay! Ah, with eyes half -closed, gazing through a film at the cloud of smoke, I feel wafted upwards towards the sky along with it, and dream such pleasant dreams, in the midst of whicli looms forth the face of my liusband, calm, serene, beautiful in expression. (As she speaks the window is opened softly and the head of TwwohTS appears from without making ahorrible grimace.) Ah! I could dream on thus for hours ! Wliat a short-lived pleasure it is after all ! And they grumble at it. Twid. (Getting in at the tvindow.) The storm is coming down upon their heads. (Half-choking.) Oh, pah, there's that horrible Fe — fo — fum again! It half chokes me. Oh. (Begins to cough, spite his efforts to restrain himself, stumbles in by the window, and lets fall his umbrella.) Mrs. T. (Alarmed at tlie noise.) Ah! (Turns, sees Twiddle, jumps up hastily and springs towards the screen, with a scream.) Twid. ( Getting up. ) Oh Susanna ! Mrs. T. (Hiding her cigar behind her.) Themistocles ! Twid. Yes, madam, your Themistocles, your injured Themistocles, (Rubs his legs.) Yoiir Misty, who means to clear up, your hoi'rible doings, madam ! Mrs. T. (Trembling.) How can you frighten one so, coming in at the window in that way ? Twid. Oh, yes, it's abominable, I dai-e say, madam! It gives you no warning, madam — leaves the wretch no time to escape, madam. Mrs. T. What wretch ? 12 A CLOUD IN THE HONEYMOON, TwiD. The infamous villain whom you receive in my absence, madam. Mrs. T.I? TwiD. Where is he ? Mrs. T. Who ? Twin. (Shoiiti)tg.) He! Mrs. T. Who ? TwiD. {With indignation.) Madam, the reiteration of those evas- ive forms of interrogation won't serve your turn. {Solannly.) You see that I know all. Mrs. T. Ail what ? TwiD. Another note of interrogation! ( With reproach.) Oh Susanna! {Shouting again.) The whole place stinks of tobacco smoke. Mrs. T. Well, now you say so, I fancy — perhaps there maybe a slight odor — of some kind of smoke. TwiD. Shade of Mrs Bouncer! She'll want to persuade me next it is the chimney. {Advancing npon her.) Oh Susanna ! {Seising her right hand, ichich she holds behind her.) Oh Susanna! {Screaming.) 01 I've burned my fingers. Mrs. T. I thouglit you would, going on in that way. TwiD. You thought I would. What have you got? {Seising her hand again and holding it np.) What's that? Mrs. T. Now don't be angry. TwiD. A cigar? Mrs. T. Y'es, I went to buy it this morning. I can't help it. It's a habit accquired when I travelled with a lady in Spain. TwiD. Oh ! what doesn't one acquire in genteel society ? Mrs. T. It's grown to be a passion, Twiddy ; but it is my only one, except my love for you : an old habit I can't get rid of ; but you said you had such a horror of smoking, that, that — TwiD. You smoke ? Susanna smokes! I smoke too, now — ah! Mrs. T. {Kneeling.) Don't be angry. Tliemistocles, pardon me. TwiD. No, no, poor dear little wife: it is I who am to blame. I was a fool. Jealous! I fancied you received, in my absence, a smoker — a horrid fellow, Mith moustaches, and all the rest. Mrs.T. Jealous! Then you have a fault too. TwiD. I have ; now dou't be angry, Susanna, pardon me ! {Kneels down before her.) Mrs.T. We'll pardon each other — there! {They embrace on their knees.) And, if you like, ducky, I'll try and not smoke any more. Twid. No, no deary, I'll try and smoke with j'ou. Mrs. T. {H(df-ashamed, pulling another cigar ont of her poclcet.) Will you, though ? There! {Gives cigar.) Twid. Wliy, she keeps a Co-operative store ! Oh Susanna! Well, give it here ! {He lights his cigar at hers ; both still k)ieeling.) How droll! I never could abide it; but, 'tisn't so bad. Mrs. T. You'll learn to find it very nice. Puff away! Twid. I'm puffing ! {Smokes and begins to cough.) Ongh, ongh ! Mrs. It's nothing when you get used to it. And we'll always smoke together. And the clouds we blow shall be such pleasant ones, now that other horrid cloud is blown over. Twid. What cloud ? Mrs. T. The Cloud in the Honeymoon. They salute the audience, still on their knees, Twid. holding Mrs. T. round the waist, both smoking. CURTAIN. DE WITT'S ACTEG PLAYS. j^" Please notice (liat nearly ell tJo Comedies, Tarccs and Comediettas In ilia following List of " De Witt's Acting PlaY8 " are very suitable for rei^reseutatiou iu smuU Amaleur Xlieatrea and ou Tai-lor Stages, as tLity iiec-d but Lttle extrinsic aid li-um complex sceuery or expensive costumes. Tiiey have attained their deserved popularity by their droll situa- tioua, excellent plots, great humor aud brilliant dialogues, uo less than by the fact that they are the most perfect iu every respect of any edition of plays ever published either iu the XJnited States or Europe, whether as i-egards purity of text, accuracy and fullness of stage directious aud sceuery, or elegance of tyi)ography aud clearness of printing. *»* In ordering please copy the figures at the commencement of each piece, -(vhlch indicate the number of the piece in " De Witt"s List of Acting Plays." ;8®" Any of the following Plays sent, postage free, on receipt of price— J-j/feen Centa each. >eS- The figure following the name of the Play denotes the number of Acts. The figures in the columns indicato the number of characters— il. male; i". female. 75. Adrienne, drama, 3 acts 7 231. All that Glitters ia not Gold, comic drama, 2 acts C 308, All ou Account of a Bracelet, come- dietta, 1 act 2 114. Auythiuf^ for a Change, comcdy.l act 3 167. Apple Blossoms, comedy, 3 acts. .. 7 93. Area Belle, farce, 1 act 5 40. Atchi, comedietta, 1 act 3 89. Aunt Cliarlotte's Maid, farce, 1 act. 3 258. Auut Dinah's Pledge, temperance drama, 2 acts 6 237. Bachelor's Box (La Petite Hotel), comedietta, 1 act 4 166. Bardell vs. Pickwick, sketch. 1 act. 310. Barrack Room (The), comedictta,2a. C 41. Beautiful Forever, iarce, 1 act 2 141. Bells (The), drama, 3 acts 9 223. Betsey Baker, farce, 1 act 2 67. 15irthplace of Podgers, farce, 1 act.. 7 36. Black Sheep, drama, 3 acts 7 279. Black-iiyed Susau, drama, 2 acts. . . 14 296. Black aud White, drama, 3 acts 6 160. Blow for Blow, drama, 4 acts 11 179. Breach of Promise, drama, 2 acts.. 5 25. Bioken-Hearted Club, comedietta. . 4 70. Bonnie Fish Wife, farce, 1 act 3 261. Bottle (The), drama, 2 acts 11 226. Box and Cox, Romance, J act 2 24. Cabman No. 93, farce, 1 act 2 199. Captain of the Watch, comedietta, 1 act 6 1. Caste, comedy, 3 acts 5 175, Cast upon the World, drama, 5 acts. 11 65. Catharine Howard, historical play, 3 acts 12 C9. Caught by the Cuff, farce, 1 act. . . . 4 80. Charming Pair, farce, 1 act. ....... 4 65. Checkmate, comedy, 2 acts 6 68. Chevalier de St. George, drama, 3a. 9 8 J 9. Chimney Corner (The), domestic drama, 3 acts 5 76. Chops of the Chauuel, farce, 1 act.. 3 J05. Circumstances alter Cases, comic operetta, i act 1 149. Clouds. c